Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jacobi's job barely had any room for emotions other than undying loyalty, yet that's where the mind ended up wondering with the hours he had, enough for his thoughts to spin like yarn. Despite always having to be on guard he was unable to keep his mind empty at the same time. The closeness he had to share with Kepler by always standing by his side, habits that inconvenienced him, small gestures between them, little banters, all thoughts woven to create a tapestry that caused his head to spin and his heart to ache, a picture meant to hang inside his head away from reality. Despite his talents of setting things on fire, he repeatedly failed to burn it down, with each attempt more desperate than the last, until he gave up. Instead he settled with letting it decorate the walls of the back of his mind and leave it to collect dust. They both followed their host outside to the garden, the winter barely cared for the meticulously cared for plants before freezing them, only leaving them dead and counting the days and months until spring.  Jacobi's presence bothered the man that led them outside for a discussion between him and Kepler. Not one to budge without his lord’s order, he remained at Kepler's side, against the howling wind that tangled snow in his hair. He barely paid attention to the man's plans but Kepler looked deep in thought.
Jacobi knew that look, the gears turning in his mind as he processed the proposition offered to him. That same look he sent Jacobi's way when they first met and every single time he had to order him to kill. Turning his head back to the host after stealing that discreet look, he watched him pace around the garden while giving his last speech of betrayal to the king.

Kepler once again nodded for him to lean so he could whisper, a thought for his ears only. Each time he did that, Jacobi leaned a little closer, just enough to feel the warmth radiate from his neck, a loose strand on hair to tickle his skin, for his hushed and grainy voice to dance in the shell of his ear. He held his breath out of fear that Kepler would order him to never come this close again if he felt it on the back of his neck.
“Let's make sure his stay in the capital becomes a little more…permanent.” Jacobi nodded in compliance, didn't waste a single moment nor step making his order a reality, but not before remembering how to exhale again. And when he did exhale once again a cloud of warm breath reflected on the steel in his hands, just as it was about to snuff another’s out. He really wished he was skilled enough to use the sword to tear those threads off from his mind for good without tearing himself in the process, they had been sawn in his flesh, his very being.

The sun was setting, the already weak daylight snuffed by dark clouds was slowly getting dimmer. Kepler put a hand on his shoulder to let him know it was about time they got back home. His home. Their home. How he wished he would feel the warmth of his hand over the chainmail and armour. Were lords supposed to have such intimate moments with the men in armour that raised their sword for them? Little gestures that lasted both a moment and an eternity at the same time. So small and yet they would be silently frowned upon if the only other person around wasn't dead.  Kepler was different with how he conducted business and with his relations to other people, stricter and looser at the same time. Demanding his high expectations to be met without failure but when Jacobi managed to meet them? Praise spilling from his mouth, just for him. Was he like that with the man keeping him safe before he came around?

He had those thoughts ready to keep him company as he climbed the saddle of his horse and eyes lingering on his lord after he disappeared behind the carriage door. His thoughts about him lingered too despite his absence. Such a presence, staying inside Jacobi's head long after he's gone. Long after he was bid goodnight every day and left him to his own devices. An afterimage reflected on the frosted window in his room and a ghost of his voice mingled with the crackling sounds of the fireplace, both haunting him until he fell asleep. Sometimes he would lay awake and wonder if Kepler ever had trouble sleeping. Did he ever have dreams about intimate touches, fleeting images of lips meeting. Did he still feel it when he woke up.
He once dreamed he was laying on Kepler’s lap and offered him his heart out of a bowl of fruit. He ate it while it was still beating and Jacobi was lost in the sight, smiling as he bled out from the gash on his chest.
Still, debating whether Kepler had anything other than a good night's sleep on average was difficult when he appeared so rested and orderly every morning.

***

There were ways to kill travel time, going through letters or catching up with a book he otherwise wouldn't have the time to finish, sometimes he could only sit inside the carriage and take a breather before they reached their destination. His eyes always wandered outside on the road amongst the trees and distant mountains but lately they would get caught on Jacobi who was following on horseback. Idly observing him. His face wasn't as skinny anymore, his posture had become much more confident, holding his spine straight. Despite how small the changes were they made quite the impact in order to hold Kepler's eyes locked in place.
Though it wasn't just his eyes, his mind was also somehow captivated by the knight. It was his tall stature behind him at all times giving him a sense of security. The curly hair he never cut short enough, the stubble he refused to shave down and the dark circles under his eyes he just couldn't get rid off.
When Kepler managed to pull a few strings so Jacobi could actually make his own sword, he visited the forge to check on the progress. The image of Jacobi's bare back while he hammered the metal as sparks flew around him was burned into his mind.
It came back to haunt him sometimes when he stared at the fireplace for too long or when Jacobi turned to walk out of his study. False stars in his vision and a heartbeat that echoed inside his eardrums made him curse at his mind’s lack of self discipline. He hardly had the luxury for this kind of thoughts, let alone to let his knight be the centerpiece of them.
He let out a sigh inside his lonely carriage, where no one could hear the tiny sound of exasperation. Why did it have to be him of all the people he had met. Jacobi had something special about him, he noticed it the first time they met, but he had grown on him too much, his presence gave him too much comfort and he always ended up letting him get away with more than he should.
He pried his eyes from the window, forcing them to focus on anything else other than the figure in armour on the other side of the glass. Counting the knots on the curtains kept them occupied enough until they were back.

Kepler stood outside his estate, admiring the ice hanging from the gate, enjoying the fresh air for another moment before he had to go inside to the pile of envelopes waiting to be opened and replied to in his study. He saw Jacobi, a shadow on the side of his vision, pass by.
“Jacobi.”
“Yes sire?”
“We've got business outside the capital tomorrow so pack accordingly for a couple of days.”
“Never thought to notify me sooner.” 
He murmured to himself.
“What exactly was that, Jacobi?”
“I said absolutely sire, thank you for letting me know.”
“Go ahead, I’d like to make arrangements with the driver.”
“Thank god, it's freezing.”
Kepler watched him head towards the main entrance, tall armoured back turned to him. He wondered how he could still be so crude with his words, but then again chivalry wasn't really his strong suit. Jacobi put on proper etiquette when it was necessary but when they were alone? Mostly lax words came out of his mouth. He rarely got in trouble for it though. Kepler cursed himself for the leniency he had given him but deep down he enjoyed it, the snappy remarks, true and honest notes, and that bothered him more than Jacobi's mediocre manners.
After the necessary arrangements, he let one last sigh leave his mouth in a visible puff in the air before heading inside as well, he had quite the preparations of his own to make. Wiping the snowflakes off of his already damp hair he sat on his bed, staring at the empty luggage he was supposed to be making. It had been a long day and there was still work waiting for him but all he could do was sit there, Jacobi walking away on his mind with his back turned to him. How he wanted to peel that armour off and have a look again-No. His luggage. And then he needed to remind Maxwell to get her nose out of those books and get hers done as well. 
The thought didn't leave him be though, circling around him like a dizzying buzz as he went through the motions. He wasn't sure what he told Maxwell but his advisor definitely set her research aside. Writing a corresponding letter was distracting enough but giving the thought a single second of attention caused the ink to pool slightly on the paper. He could only exhale in anger as he started over.

***

With last night's snowfall coming to a stop, the early morning was white, quiet and still. Jacobi carried his bags outside, adding to the new footprints on the fresh blanket of snow in the yard. Kepler was already there of course, overviewing the last preparations of the luggage being loaded onto the carriage. The few warm rays of sunshine that found their way through an opening in the ever present thick clouds, lit up his face. The light reflected on his hair accentuating the few grey streaks and made his eyes glimmer like ice.
“You're staring.” 
Maxwell passed by him, bumping him slightly with her shoulder.
“Good morning to you too.”
Both of them walked towards the gate where they caught the last orders Kepler barked before it was their turn.
“You two better have the most exceptional excuse on why you’re not on time and a reason not to throw you under the carriage wheels before we set off.”
“But sire, we are on time.”
“This is the time of our departure doctor. You two better be ready in ten minutes or you’ll be left behind. Permanently.”
Jacobi rushed to pile his bag onto the rest of the luggage and then helped Maxwell with hers before making sure it’s all secure. His horse was already brought next to the gate saddled up and ready for the road.
“Hello girl, brought you something.”
He petted her nose while offering her a treat.
“You brought her sugar?!”
Maxwell whisper yelled.
“Kepler is going to kill you if he finds out.”
“Well he is not going to find out, she can keep a secret.”
Jacobi patted her neck and then wiped the remenands of the sugar cube off just in time as he saw Kepler approach them.
“A horse would unwillingly take anything to its grave, Jacobi.”
There was an awkward beat of silence where all three stood still, eyes directed anywhere but him.
“Are you not riding today?”
Maxwell asked, trying to move from the subject.
“No, it would be best not to test my knee’s limits with this cold.”
With a tap of the cane, Kepler pointed to his right leg.
“Well don't have too much fun in there without me, you two.”
Jacobi let out a fake chuckle with his comment as he mounted his horse.
“This is a business trip, Jacobi, there is no time to fool around.”
“Yeah yeah, I know sire…”

The road was quiet, the only sound other than that of the carriage being the occasional snow that fell from the treetops. Trips like these were uneventful for the most part, he could count the times someone dared to rob them with his one hand. With him around, shielded from head to toe and armed only an idiot or truly desperate would even think about it, which meant he could worry less and let his mind relax. Jacobi could also hear talking from within the carriage, Kepler’s theatrical voice and the occasional remark from Maxwell. A jab of jealousy had lodged itself in his chest, a contradictory feeling as he was unsure whether he was more content out there or he’d rather be inside and instinctively space out when Kepler spun one of his crazy stories he couldn’t stand.
Kepler wasn’t exaggerating when he was in a rush to set off, it took them all morning to reach their destination, a small town on the edge of which were their loggings and the house of the lord Kepler was sent to talk to in person. Not as impressive as their estate but charming nonetheless, built near a cliff with an incredible view of the sea.

The lord of the manor had a hospitable smile, welcoming Kepler with a handshake and a wave to him and Maxwell. After the introductions were made, they made their way towards the manor, slowly walking through the garden while the two lords in front of them started to chat.
“You ok? You’re looking a little pale.”
Jacobi descritely bumped Maxwell with his elbow.
“Hm? Oh yeah, the road was just a little… rough.”
“Well the carriage does have its disadvantages.”
“If I could go on horseback I would Daniel. How can Kepler look so unbothered after that is my question.”
Maxwell scoffed.
“I think he’d look like that even if he got stabbed. Even with one foot in the grave he’d act like he’s above it all.” 
“Pffff right!”
Maxwell chucked and it didn't take Jacobi to follow suit and thankfully for them Kepler was too busy to give them the stink eye.

The inside of the manor was rustic and cosy yet meticulously tidy and clean. Going through beautiful hallways, under beautifully, stone built archways, lit up by simple chandeliers they were led to the guest wing, along with their luggage carried there by the staff.
“Get some rest Jacobi, it’ll be some time until dinner. You too Maxwell, you both look tired and I need you in top shape tonight.”
“Yes sire.”
“Sure thing sire.”
“And don’t be late. Dismissed.”

“- and that's why we need to retry last month's experiments.”
Maxwell had been sitting by the windowsill while Jacobi had put away his bags and was taking off his armour. She was explaining in great detail how their samples had been contaminated causing a setback and most probably her being needed back at the palace.
“Shit that's- Yeah that sucks.”
“It is… Well nothing we can't replicate. Need any help with that?”
“Ah no. Taking it off is the easy part. There!”
After finally taking off the last piece of metal off of his body he happily stretched his arms and back.
“Alright I'll let you take that beauty nap of yours.”
“I don't need a beauty nap, have you not seen my gorgeous face?”
“Those black circles beg to differ Daniel.”
“Those are part of my charming look. I wouldn't say no to some sleep though…” 
Jacobi sighed and eyed the nicely made bed, the covers and pillow inviting him to lay down and let all the stiffness in his body melt down into the mattress. Maxwell left with a ‘rest well’ and once the heavy wooden door was shut he was free to collapse. Those damned trips, having to ride with his armour on for hours. Not the full set of course but an extra 20 pounds wasn't something to scoff at. His back was killing him. At least he didn't have to wear the plate at dinner. His sword, though, was to hang by his waist like always.

All he could think about as he drifted to sleep was sitting next to Kepler on the dinner table and listening to what seemed like a rich man's nonsense to him. He still liked the sound of his voice, he enjoyed the way he talked. How he wished he could have him softly whisper sweet nothings in his ear while he fell asleep, or even better, right after he woke up, voice low and hoarse from sleep. Warm breath tickling his ear, telling him it’s time to get up. The thought made him shiver, momentarily taking him out of the sleepy trance he was in.
‘You need to stop having thoughts like that Daniel.’ he told himself ‘Starting from now.’
He shook the image of Kepler from his mind and started to count the wooden boards on the slanted ceiling to the rhythmic chirps from the birds outside, until he was finally asleep.

Chapter Text

In his dream, Kepler talked to him, sitting next to him, face inching closer until he spoke right into his ear. Then he was somehow speaking into his mouth, a feeling so real like he had felt it a million times before. Kepler was down to his undergarments, his shirt's buttons half open but when Jacobi tried to take his armour off he felt it stuck. Every clasp and belt was clamped shut and his hands struggled while he swallowed every word the man in front of him spilled down his throat.

He could feel Kepler, not by touch but from the way his whole body moved on his lap, the warmth and feel of him unreachable through the metal he was stuck in. Heavy hands kept pushing on his breastplate keeping him pinned where he was sitting. He stopped for a moment to whisper in his ear again, in a tone he always used when he was about to give an order.

“ Jacobi- ”

He jolted awake at the sound of knocking on his door.

“Jacobi?”

“Yeah?”

His voice barely came out, strained and rough.

“Just wanted to know if you're getting ready? Kepler will be expecting us downstairs.”

Maxwell's voice was muffled from the other side of the door.

“I'll be up in a minute…”

After he heard the footsteps outside his door he let his head hit the pillow again while he tried to calm himself.

He had had dreams about Kepler before but this, this was something else. His body was tense as if he had actually been wearing that armour while he slept, he could still feel his breath on his ear, the feeling lingering on his lips and his pants felt- fuck . Fuck fuck he'd have to take care of that before he got up and he'd have to be fast unless he wanted Kepler have the kitchen staff serve him as the main course instead.

“Jacobi, eyes open, I hope you’re not planning to slack off.”

“Wouldn’t dream about it sire.”

Jacobi’s eyes were half closed, an involuntary action caused by restless sleep after hours on horseback. Even the crisp evening air didn’t help wake him up and with Kepler dressed in his finest, he could swear he was still dreaming.

He had no idea what kind of business the king had pushed Kepler’s way but it was never his place to ask. Walking behind him as he entered the dining room and talked, making sure he exited in one piece and as pristine as he came in was his purpose. Even though this lord had his own guards stationed, he never trusted his host, nor anyone else. Anyone but Jacobi and he would take on every single armed man in that house for him. Kepler knew that as well, Jacobi could see the satisfaction in his lord’s eyes while his own swelled with this exact emotion. 

That evening though, he'd rather be anywhere else. While the atmosphere was beautiful and the food served in front of him appetising, he was hardly in the mood for any of it. Kepler's words on his left fell deaf in his ears, tuned out of his mind as his thoughts still raced and refused to slow down. He barely touched his food, downing a few bites here and there so as to not draw too much attention to his lack of appetite.

He shouldn't think about it but there he was, sitting next to Kepler only half an hour after dreaming about him and then having to jerk to it, biting the pillow to drown his whines. He couldn't focus on anything and hell, nor could he face him. His eyes avoided Kepler's like the plague because he knew he'd detect even the smallest inkling of want reflected in them. It was too soon to be able to shove it all back down where it came from and he, like the bloodhound that he is, would smell him bleed.

Jacobi tried to pull himself together, distracting himself by directing his attention to Maxwell. Not as outspoken as Kepler, she nodded and only intervened when she determined it was necessary. She liked working that way. She was an incredible consultant and a brilliant doctor but she always preferred to keep her interactions with strangers to a minimum. She gave him a questioning look and he had to give her a fake, reassuring nod that he simply found the dinner boring.

Whatever the arrangements were, they seemed to be going well, Kepler was in such a good mood he dragged him out for a walk in the garden despite the snowfall.

“Walk with me doctor.”

“I think I’ll sit this one out, sire, I uuuh… I’ve got this one paper to finish.”

“Riiight. Jacobi, come on.”

“Can I sit this one out too?”

“Is your job description ‘sitting this one out and leaving your lord unattended to’? 

“Ok what I meant to say was can we just sit inside? The wind is really cold outside.”

“Cold air can be beneficial to health Jacobi, it would definitely help with the dead look you’ve been carrying around all evening.”

Last thing he saw before he accepted the inevitability of the shivering cold night waiting for him was Maxwell giving him a mocking shrug of her shoulders before she headed back to her room.

***

The snow under their feet was fresh, crunching with each step into the garden. Kepler saw Jacobi's breath thaw in the air under the faint light coming from the windows.

“What did you think, Jacobi?”

“About…”

“The proposition he made during the dinner of course.”

“Of..course… Uumm sire? That's what Maxwell is here for.”

“I know what Maxwell's opinion on the matter is, but I want to hear yours.”

“No comment then.”

“You were absent minded aaaall evening, you wouldn't have noticed if anything suspicious happened right under your nose.”

“I- Hey! I may not always pay attention to what you chat with the king's future victims or associates, but I always keep my eyes open.”

“Is that so sir Jacobi?”

“Has anyone ever managed to touch a single hair on your head while I've been around?”

Jacobi laughed. He was right though, no one ever came close to harming him with Jacobi on his side, he knew he'd become a human shield for him if needed. Regardless, Kepler felt that something was stirring, just beyond his reach, strange murmurs and lacking intel, he needed him more ready now, more than ever.

“Keep that winning streak of yours rolling and you'll be rewarded accordingly.” Kepler smiled.

For a moment Jacobi's mouth shifted and he could swear for a moment that he bit his lip, or it could be his mind filling the blanks the shadows of the beam on the window created on his face.

“Rest well Jacobi, we're leaving first thing tomorrow morning.”

“Goodnight sire.”

They exchanged goodnights before splitting up, each to his bedroom. Kepler took his coat off and tried to warm his hands up in the fireplace, trying to compartmentalize his thoughts. About future arrangements, more travelling and… Jacobi. Though the last thing he needed was him taking up precious space in his mind. He ran a now warm hand over his face trying to shake the thought of the possibly bitten lips off.

“You've been wearing that handkerchief for years now Jacobi.”

The question kept circling back to his mind from time to time and of all of those, that morning was the one to unpromptedly come out. Jacobi stopped for a moment after he tightened the reins of his horse.

“Three and a half years, yeah.”

“Since I gave it to you. Why?”

“I…” 

He hesitated, as if for once carefully considering his words.

“It was a gift. No reason why I shouldn't wear it.”

“It's old and roughed up. If you like wearing accessories so much you could get a new one.”

“It's just a little frayed in some places, there's no need.”

“Nonsense. We can have it replaced once we're back.”

“I-Yes sire, of course we can…”

It was early in the morning, early enough for the sky to still be dim but there was enough light to see Jacobi’s expression clearly. He was as stiff as Kepler demanded he was while on official business but there was something else, after all these years he could tell when the frown on his lips was more pursed than usual. He wanted to push him, to spill what was on his mind and demand that he let that aside while on duty, but there was slim chance he was actually going to talk with other people around, he’d have to call him for a talk once they’d be back at the estate. While tired from today’s work and in the privacy of Kepler’s office, he’d have no way to keep that lid closed for long, about what had been distracting him since last night and once he found out the cause, he could nip the problem in the bud. 

***

Of course returning to the capital didn't mean they could relax for the rest of the day, not when Kepler had more of his own, personal business in the city. And of course Jacobi had to accompany him. He didn't even bother asking him about the kind of business, he just hoped he could spare some time standing on his own legs and stretch them out.

Something in the city stuck with him until they reached their destination, a store. He had passed it so many times before, even before he worked for Kepler, but he never even bothered to acknowledge it, never had the money for anything like that and…neither a use for it. Then he thought about how Kepler looked after his image. Expensive clothing and hair always styled to perfection, he'd be found dead before caught having a single hair astray. Then the thoughts got rolling at such a pace, impossible to stop, toying with just one idea. A hypothetical scenario, he told himself, a simple gesture, something nice but simple. It'd mean too much, but that single thought made any rhyme or reason fuzz and fade.

Of course he didn't pay any attention to Kepler's meeting, his mind was preoccupied with making plans. He started with one. Then other backup ones popped up, trying to navigate through possible scenarios, outcomes and words to be said. Possible excuses. 

His mind was racing by the time they were done and seeing the store again on their way home only made him recklessly toss away any indecisiveness he previously had. He was going to do it after he got Kepler safely back home.

***

Kepler didn't get to see much of the fight outside his carriage, he only ended it. Wiping the thin blade he always hid inside his cane his eyes wandered to Jacobi, fallen onto the snow next to the road. It was smarter to keep himself hidden in the case of an ambush, but the loud clanking sound followed by the thud of a body hitting the ground got him worried. And he was right to be, there was Jacobi laying down after being hit by a man holding something heavy, metallic and blunt. There was an indentation on the back of his helmet. Without the element of surprise, he wasn't a particularly challenging opponent.

Kepler kneeled next to him, making sure he still breathed.

“Jacobi! Can you hear me?”

Jacobi barely shifted with the weight of the armour but the groan of pain was audible, even if it was muffled by the helmet.

“Can you get up?”

There was only incomprehensible mumbling.

Kepler lifted his head off of the ground and lifted the visor to see his face. Jacobi slowly opened his eyes, looking at him in a daze.

“Jacobi?”

“... Kepler? ”

His voice sounded strained and his head nearly slipped out of his grasp before he held him carefully by both sides of his face.

“Hey, eyes on me. Can. you. stand. up?”

He recited the question in a slower pace but Jacobi simply stared at him half lidded for a moment.

“N- No.”

There was no time to think, he needed to get him into the carriage, back to the estate and hand him over to Maxwell as soon as possible, so he held him to support all of his weight, arm around his waist so he wouldn’t slump over and nearly dragged him and let him collapse onto the seats. He yelled at the driver to go.

“So much for that winning streak of yours…”

Kepler was talking to himself since he was sure Jacobi had passed out but he heard him mumble a low “ sorry ”, still collapsed by the window. 

He had seen him injured before. Scratched, cut, bruised, stabbed, all with a sly smile to hide the pain his eyes couldn’t. The more harmless the wound the more dramatic he would get, letting out loud squeals of pain, that’s how he knew he was fine. When things were serious he acted like a sarcastic asshole. Now he was quiet and limp and Kepler hated how that caused a pinch of worry in his chest, twisting inside him like a dagger making him writhe from the seat opposite of him. As much as he wanted to be by his side, even in the privacy of his own carriage, he remained seated on the opposite side, stuck to just have him sit at the side of his vision while he tried desperately to look out of the window.

Chapter Text

Jacobi acted like recovery was a piece of cake but it was a bold faced lie in order to put on an act after what happened, to lessen the lecture of a lifetime for not killing each and every person out to get him before he collapsed. For collapsing in the worst place possible. The lecture never came though, Kepler had that dissatisfied look in his eye but he never yelled at him. He even gave him the time needed to recover. 

“Will you let me get out of bed today, oh doctor?”

“Very funny Daniel. Is your headache any better?”

“...No.”

“Then I can only allow you to take a stroll in the garden.”

“But-”

“You're not going back to any everyday activities until you're ok to do so. Doctor's orders!” 

She put a smile to her words even though she was clearly tired with his constant whining.

“Well… Kepler's orders too.”

“Kepler?”

“Yeah…He's been..”

“Weird?”

“He's worried.”

“For… me ?”

“No, for your poor helmet that needs repairs.”

“Hilarious as always.”

Maxwell sat next to the window, looking outside absent minded for a moment.

“Seriously though, he is worried.”

“Well..if he's so worried for his poor knight, maybe he should pass by, say hello Jacobi, how's your head.”

“Oh he did- ah you must have been knocked out cold.”

“Just my luck…”

“Want me to walk you outside?”

“Relax, I'm not going to just.. fall over.”

“You said that last time.”

“Alana I'm fine!”

She gave him a stern look.

“Well.. better.”

“Fine, but if you get dizzy-”

“I'll have someone help me to bed like a wilting old man, yeah yeah, I know.”

“Good! I'll be going then.”

The cold air always helped to clear his head, the hours of bed rest on end just weren't for him. It was a feeling like he was rotting on that mattress, all the thoughts swirling in his mind, melting into incoherent notions and slowly driving him ever so closer to losing it. His legs ached to the bone with restlessness while every time he turned over under the now uncomfortably warm covers it gave him less and less comfort.

So much for that little plan of his. He was now stuck in bed, restricted to only taking walks in the garden and wandering the halls when the headaches didn't pound his head like it was an anvil. He hadn't seen much of Kepler either, Maxwell said that he was often busy but to him it felt intentional. Avoidant. He shot Jacobi weird glances when they met in the hallways, sometimes paired with the most typical greeting before going on his way.

It felt good to stretch his legs, even though the first few minutes after he got up had him washed over by a feeling of vertigo. The little sunlight that was gracing them outside was still a little blinding but the fresh air more than made up for all the discomfort he felt. He exited from one of the side doors slowly making his way around the estate, hopefully this time he could make two laps of the place before either the time Maxwell set for him or his ability to stand upright ran out.

Right as he was passing by the front of the house he saw Kepler waiting at the gate while his horse’s reins were handed to him by a staff member. 

“Morning sire..”

Jacobi approached despite his spinning headache.

“Good morning Jacobi. What are you doing out and about?”

“Aah.. I'm.. Just out for a walk… Where-”

“The palace. The king has called us for an audience.”

“You're just going to go?”

“Should I just ignore orders?”

“But what about security-”

“King Cutter has sent his own guards to accompany me there since you're… unable to.”

His words sometimes cut deeper than his sword ever could with so much as half the effort.

“ Have you … How are you feeling?”

Jacobi was taken aback. He picked a clumsy softness in his voice before he steeled it back to normal, all that paired with eyes not avoiding him for once. Peering into his, almost with care.

“Ah- You know… better.” 

He knew better than to stare but he was captivated by the way Kepler looked at him. Only visible to anyone who knew how to look for it, his face bled with concern. But only for a moment. He blinked and it was gone.

“Good. That's good. Make sure to rest, I need you to be able to get back to work as soon as possible.”

“Will do sire.”

He hadn't had this feeling in years; uselessness. It created a pit in his stomach, or maybe that was still from the head injury. Then there was the ping of jealousy pinching at his chest. He should be the one by Kepler's side, there to protect him, to attack for him, to bite at his command. He wanted to be the only one to see the smile of satisfaction at an order obeyed, the job well done. For someone that lived for that bloodthirsty grin, he had gone too long without it.

He watched him mount and ride away along with a couple of men in full armour while the ever present headache pounded behind his eyes.

He didn't remember much about how it happened. One moment he was on his feet and the second he could only feel excruciating pain as gravity had flipped on him. The next thing he could vaguely remember was Kepler holding his face, the warmth of his hands being the only thing that convinced him that it wasn't a figment of his imagination. He didn't remember what he was asking him, just that his breath felt warm on his skin.

***

The meeting with the king didn't take too long. Members of the court simply had to report their results to him directly, Kepler being no exception. Nothing was out of the ordinary, most members presented their boring reports, Young shot him a look from the opposite side of the room, while Pryce's seat was once again empty. His relief when they were dismissed was short-lived when Cutter asked him to stay for a chat.

“You wanted to talk, your majesty?”

“Yes Warren, but let's not linger in this dreary room, come along!”

His voice was as peppy as ever and his mouth was still fixed to a smile. They left the room and walked along a well lit corridor that was surprisingly empty. Cutter stopped by one of the windows and gazed out into the frozen courtyard.

“So, how is our dear knight Daniel? I felt concerned when I heard he was injured.”

“He…”

His mouth ran dry as anxiety washed over him.

“He's recovering, it'll not be long since he'll be up on his feet again. Nothing worrying at all.”

He didn't sound as convincing as he would have liked. Not to Cutter, not to himself. Jacobi was on his mind from the moment he looked up at him, only half conscious from where he was laying on the snow. Maxwell had assured him that with enough rest he'd be good as new and yet he couldn't shake him out of his head, unable to concentrate on his work or anything else.

He tried to bury himself with anything he could find to distract himself, not that it worked, but at least Jacobi wouldn't be able to see how worried he was. No one should see him like this.

The evening that he got injured Kepler spent at least an hour sitting by his bed. He scolded him while he was unconscious about… he barely remembered half of it. Being careless, getting hit, relying on him to save him when the opposite was his job. Then he stopped and just looked at him. He observed his slow, rhythmic breathing, took in his peaceful expression and for a moment he wondered if he was feeling the pain while he slept. 

His hand moved on its own when it got tangled in his hair, gently stroking the curls out of his face.

“That's good to hear.”

Cutter's remark snapped his attention back to the present.

“He's worked for you for a while, hasn't he. He's been… adequate?”

“Ah.. of course sir. He's nothing but befitting of a knight.”

“Is that so? Because I could swear that… hm how did Rachel put it…”

“What?”

“You've been having some trouble… disagreements.”

If Kepler wasn't tense enough, he could certainly feel his muscles stiffen now. Of course he still had his eyes on them, watching them like a hawk from afar, for what reason, he still didn't know.

“Is it not normal to have an argument from time to time?”

“A dog is not supposed to bark at its owner Warren.”

His voice was low and soft and dripping with venom.

“Hope you haven't forgotten that.”

“N-no your majesty..”

“Good. Do train him better, I'd hate to have to put down such a useful dog.”

“I…will.”

“Tell Daniel I wish him a speedy recovery! Now be on your merry way, I know your schedule must be packed. Your guards are waiting at the gate.”

***

Maxwell had been strict about Jacobi not putting himself in potential danger for a while, so much that Kepler agreed to have every meeting he could in the estate to eliminate outside variables that could fuck up his head even more or make his condition worse. Standing over the fifth meeting Kepler had for the day, as a decorative threat more than anything, pretending he wasn't hanging from the man's lips as he spoke to someone else. Like the mere sound of his voice didn't echoe in his mind, lulling him to a false safety of his own design. Acting like his body didn't bend against it, his spine going numb, his heart beating differently and his lungs forgetting how to work properly.

Fighting to hold his eyes straight, he tried his best to look intimidating rather than someone who had suffered a brain injury, like Kepler's right hand of a knight, the reputation he had built.

Still being confined inside the fenced garden and the safety of the house’s walls felt pathetic, he didn't need to be babysat by Maxwell every day and he definitely didn't need Kepler to think he wasn't up to his expectations anymore. He could feel his frustration with the situation, with him , even though he barely expressed it. Jacobi couldn't take it.

“How's your head today Jacobi?”

“It's fine.”

“Good. We have guests later in the evening. I expect you to be ready.”

“Another meeting here? Again?”

“Just be glad they agreed to come all the way here, it's hard enough to navigate through work while having you stuck here.”

“I told you I feel fine!”

Kepler shot him a warning look.

“Sorry… I need to go to the city tomorrow for some uuuh… business.”

He hadn't forgotten his plan, on the contrary the more he spent his days cooped up and unable to do anything the more he obsessed with it, thinking every intricate detail and every step.

“Oh, you're not going anywhere.”

“What?”

“You're still strictly under doctor Maxwell's care and if she says you need to be careful then I'm not letting you take risks.”

“Are you serious? It's just a simple trip-”

“Completely. This conversation is finished.”

“No- I… Don't you trust me?”

“I said-”

“You don't think I'm incapable after what happened, do you?”

“- end! Of conversation. Now go.”

Jacobi swung his training sword, relentlessly beating the wooden dummy. He should be taking it easy so as not to strain himself and recovery definitely did not include taking it out on the human like piece of wood at the back of the house.

“Damn it all.”

His breath was hot, even if outside was still freezing cold, coming out in puffs like smoke.

“Ok focus Daniel. You need to put your head back in the game.”

Striking again and again, his mind raced with no destination, just following a line with Kepler's name, with his voice dismissing him and refusing to disclose anything. Another curse left his mouth. Loyalty meant he should never doubt him but after the way he left Kepler's study he only felt like a wounded animal, sent away expected to lick his own wounds. He had sat in the yard for a moment with heavy head in his hands.

Then a single memory of him holding his face.

The dummy snapped in half with a loud crackling noise.

“Fuck…”

Jacobi hadn't realised how out of breath was until now nor how his vision had slightly started to shift. He'd have to set up a new one tomorrow but for the moment he should call it a night.

“So… you come here often?”

The man in armour waiting by the gate to pick Kepler up remained stoic regardless of Jacobi's newest hobby of antagonising the knights sent to do his job. He was older, wider than him, face scared with a cut running across his face making him threatening with little to no effort. Regardless, Jacobi leaned against the stone pillar that connected the tall fence to the gates and served his slyest smile on a platter. Eyeing him from the side with a cold glint in his eyes, the man finally lost the will to ignore him.

“And who might you be?”

The words came with a heavy accent, chewed and spit in his face.

“Daniel Jacobi at your service.”

He threw his hand in a mocking salute.

“Huh, sir Jacobi.”

“Have we met?”

“You're known around my circles. Quite… the special case.”

“I'll take that as a compliment.”

“Wouldn't be so sure. Should you not be bedridden?”

“Since you're so concerned, I've been feeling much better.”

“Not back at your duties though.”

Jacobi's mouth opened for his next quip but his mind turned up blank.

“Well it's quite a shame a knight like you being kept out of commission. It's alright though, leave it to the professionals while you rest.”

The new training dummy wasn't going to last long, aggressive swings tearing and chipping and the wood faster than before. Anger moved his hands with unforgiving force. It burned in his mind, the words of mockery from earlier being the match to all his thoughts, ready to catch like wildfire.

‘Special case’... He often played dumb, ignored it, joked, but he knew exactly what every other knight, royal or in the general court circle, thought of him. Rich bastards from noble families, who trained since childhood while Jacobi, to them, was just given the title. In their eyes he was nothing more than Kepler's shiny new toy that he liked too much, a stray dog he brought with him home and put a collar on him. But a mutt with a collar was still a mutt to them. The only way he had been able to keep his head high amongst them were his skills, what he was hired for and what he took pride in but now they felt that they had been dulled since he was injured and he had smelled that weakness from the first glance.

It all made his blood boil and his head…spin. He tried to focus, on the sound of the cracking wood over the heartbeat ringing in his ears, on his movement, his speed, his balance-

“ Fuck ”

A pang of dizziness stuck him, making him stop in his tracks and try to hold onto the dummy for balance. The sword hit the ground and the hand holding it found his face in a desperate attempt to ground himself, eyes squeezed shut and breaths slow and deep. 

When he thought it was over he opened his eyes again, still gripping his head, disoriented, unsure if he was looking up or down, he stared at his blurry hands that were still holding his weight on the…two wooden beams… 

He sat himself down in the clearing, covering his eyes with more sets of hands than he should be able to count, waiting for the feeling that pulled his head towards all different directions to pass. Just enough so he could stand up and haul himself back inside.

Beyond the slow humming ringing in his ears there were footsteps in the snow. Jacobi knew who it was, he hoped the footsteps would pass by but they stopped right behind him.

“What are you doing here Jacobi?”

“I could ask you the same thing .”

He couldn’t afford to care how strained he sounded.

“Go ahead. Ask me while I'm strolling in my own courtyard.”

“ Hah… Sorry… ”

“Do I need to ask again?”

“ No… Do I really need to answer?”

Kepler chuckled at his boldness, the sound creating gravity for his weightless mind to land on.

“I was looking for you, there's plans for next month that you need to be briefed on.”

“ Oh..great..”

“Need a hand?”

“ Nope, eeeeverything's peachy.”

“ I'll send Maxwell to get you then, I'm sure she's going to have a gold star for your tremendously stupid behaviour.”

“ Uuh- Nevermind, a hand would be nice.”

He hardly had the luxury to debate why Kepler helped him off of the ground with his own hands. He let him lie down on the couch in his study while he briefed him on next month's trip of which Jacobi only retained half the information. Kepler didn't bother him afterwards, Jacobi fell asleep to the sound of crumpled paper and the fire eating away at the wood in the fireplace.

Chapter Text

Kepler lightly tapped his fingers on the desk’s surface, waiting for Jacobi  to finish reading the letter he received earlier that morning. A letter was putting it too nicely, it was a well written threat with demands to go with it, all for the attacks against him to stop and Jacobi was taking his sweet time going through it.

Kepler was hardly phased by threats, the confidence he had in himself and his ability to make problems disappear were nothing but baseless and with Jacobi, his shield and sword, back on his feet he had nothing to worry about.

His knight was seated on the sofa at the backend of the room, opposite to his desk, one leg thrown carelessly over the other, leaning back while he read. Definitely not the posture someone with a chivalry oath should have in front of nobility, yet despite that Kepler kept leaving him be when it was the two of them. The casualty of it gave him some kind of comfort he wasn't sure he approved of.

The image reminded him of Jacobi sleeping on it, like it were yesterday, long legs hanging ungracefully over the edge and one hand resting on his stomach. Knitted eyebrows slowly relaxing as sleep took him. Whe Kepler thought to tell him to go to bed or call Maxwell to get him, one look at him was all he needed to decide to let him sleep there. He finished his paperwork and got up himself but before he left he took another look at him while he slept, face free from all tension. He looked peaceful, unguarded. The muscles in his hand pulled on their own as it slowly moved to find his hair again but with an abrupt change of heart he simply pulled a dead leaf from his messy curls.

Forcibly snapping himself from the thought Kepler was furious with his mind strayed there in the first place.

“How long do you plan to keep staring at the one piece of fucking paper?”

“Hm- oh sorry I was just thinking..”

“That would be a first.”

“Oh, ha ha! You want me to find them?”

“I want you to wipe them from the face of the earth Jacobi.”

Their eyes met in an intense silence, Jacobi waiting for it to pass so Kepler could continue with his orders.

“I'll have the source of the letter by tomorrow and once you have it you are going to bring one of them back here and then make sure the rest are not seen again.”

“Yes sir. Should I treat him to a round before you do?”

“Just make sure he can still talk when he gets here.” 

Jacobi grinned at him. A cold smile, one that's ready to taste iron again.

Jacobi came back the same afternoon, efficient as Kepler always bragged him to be. His hands were caked in red and his eyes gleamed with an intense look, speaking words his tongue wouldn't. ‘ I brought him. For you ’. Kepler's eyes were wrangled in it like a fish to a hook. He put a hand on his shoulder and told him to lead him to the room in the basement.

***

Working undercover was nothing new for the two of them, fake names, false presentations, different clothes, less space between them. This one mission to find who had been trying to blackmail someone in the king's court was particularly long. Mostly due to the travel time, with each head that hit the ground a new lead appeared, an initial single thread slowly tangling up to a web, but finding the spider who weaved it proved to be a difficult task. Spring had rolled in by then, the thawed roads relieving them from longer travel time.

Another head hit the floor.

The town's inn was almost full, so the luxury of separate rooms was lost to a single bed for the sake of anonymity. Kepler didn't need to give him more than one stern glance to know he was going to become very intimate with one of the chairs by the little table, under the one window. 

They'd have to sleep in turns, Jacobi settling for the lookout shift first. Initially he looked out of the window, taking in the horizon line made out of shingled rooftops and chimney smoke. As he took another sip from the glass of wine he got from downstairs, he heard something break from down below in the street accompanied with the shallow growling of drunken men. His interest faded quickly though, it didn't take long for the eerie late night silence to settle once again.

With nothing else to look at his eyes drifted to the darkness in the room, only lit by the pale moonlight coming from behind him. Kepler was laying in the middle of a spacious bed, buried under two layers of blankets, his sides heaving to a steady rhythm. With his back turned to him Jacobi couldn't see his face but he could imagine it, no longer scowling, jaw relaxed and a single stray tuft of hair falling over his brows. If he were next to him he'd want to brush it back.

He blinked. He should know better than to give in to those thoughts. The voice of reason told him to get a grip, divert his attention to the silent, still landscape outside the frosted with dew window. Another voice made another case; how would a thought hurt if it stayed theoretical. He couldn't help following the line of thought with morbid curiosity.

A shiver shook his spine when he thought of the warmth, some from the covers, mostly from Kepler's body. He wanted to soak it up until he drowned in it. His mind kept wondering, asking questions he shouldn't be provided the answers to. What would it feel like if their limbs got tangled together. If Kepler's hand got lost in his curly hair while his wrapped around him while his head rested on his chest. Would his heartbeat, rattling in his ribcage right under his ear, lull him to a peaceful sleep. He would drink up the feeling of him like an alcoholic, until he was black out drunk by his embrace.

He felt sick.

His eyes trailed back to the glass, not focusing on what's being it, trying to run away from the thought and the scream of desperation that wanted to violently claw its way out of his throat.

“Sire, wake up…”

Just before dawn broke the horizon it was finally Jacobi's turn to sleep. Surprised Kepler hadn't woken up on his own yet, he hesitantly gave his shoulder a light shake, all while something kept pulling at his stomach.

“Hmm?”

This mission had taken its toll on him as much as it had on Jacobi. His tired, half lidded eyes with dark circles that had started to rival his own, couldn't focus on him and there wasn't a trace of guard on his face, not yet.

“Jacobi?”

He ignored the tug on his chest.

“Good morning to you too, sunshine. I believe according to our previous arrangements it's my turn to hit the hay.”

Kepler furrowed his eyebrows, it being too early for Jacobi's quips, while he desperately tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

“Right… Thank you for waking me up, you can have the bed in five.”

“I'll be waiting.”

All the yawns he had to stifle up to this point suddenly became impossible to hold back. 

Once his head hit the pillow his body started to relax. He clung to the covers almost as hard as he tried to cling to the fleeting scent Kepler had left in that bed and while his mind drifted off it searched for that phantom warmth it craved so badly earlier.

Jacobi woke up to the morning commotion from the street below. The sun had risen a few hours ago and Kepler had been kind enough to pull the curtains so he could have a few hours of undisturbed rest. And speaking of.. the room was empty. Looking around for a second and third time was meaningless but it was the best his mind could do having just woken up.

By the time Kepler returned Jacobi had already freshened up and gotten dressed. He was ready for his orders.

“Morning sire.”

Kepler's sleep dazed eyes from that morning flashed over his now wide awake stare. Jacobi blinked.

“Good morning Jacobi.”

Kepler was still preoccupied with the letter in his hands while he answered.

“Whatcha got-”

Kepler gave him a warning shot of a glare.

“Ahem- What is that letter?”

“Well since you asked so nicely Jacobi, it's from the capital.”

“Wait how did they sent it here while we're under-”

“A man has to keep his secrets close. We are needed back as soon as possible. We're going to put a temporary stop to the mission for a while.”

“And that's a good idea?”

“ That is our orders.

“Right. Absolutely.”

“Well, are you waiting for a special invitation to get our stuff downstairs?”

“Ah- no sire. Right away.”

Spring in the capital was busy, people roaming outside, taking walks and running errands now that the weather was once again tolerable.

It all felt like blur moving past Jacobi when he walked around town, down the winding streets, slowly but with stride, knowing exactly where his legs were taking him. It didn't take long to find it again…

Jacobi's nerves were on fire, carrying the small box from the city back to the estate. Ordering it was a mistake, as much he knew throughout the trip there and with every word that came out of his mouth while ordering it.

“Lucky lady.” 

The artisan commented while writing down the specifics.

“Yeah…” 

Jacobi muttered, avoiding his eyes.

“I think I have just the thing for you.”

His hand toyed with the handkerchief on his neck, a new one, shinier, prettier. The old one was tied on the bed frame next to his pillow, frayed and scuffed from being worn everyday and the battles it had seen. He could never feel the same attachment to the fabric around his neck like he did with that one, given to him as a symbol of Kepler's trust. He wore it regardless lest he wanted yet another speech about appearances.

The gift was weighing heavy in his hand from the moment he held it, his grip tight until his knuckles were white out of fear. So many things were on the line and so many could go wrong. The losses outweighed any possible gain. From his job, his home, to the life he had started to build from the ground up, all hanging from a thread that Kepler could simply snip if he so chose to, if he felt this offering was out of line. He'd lose him too.

By all means he should throw this in the rushing waters of the river near the estate, forget he ever had this idea in the first place. But there it remained, clutched in his hand while he made his way through the stretching halls, passing tall windows and heavy doors, adrenaline carrying the dreadful weight of his body forward. 

All until he reached the door to Kepler's study. Jacobi was unsure if there was a proper time for this, so now was his only remaining option. Now or forever hold your silence.

He knocked and waited for the voice inside to invite him in.

“Oh, it's you.”

There was surprise in his voice, he was definitely not expected.

“You're back from the city already.”

“Aaah, yes the business I had was brief..”

“Right. Aaand is there anything in need of my attention?”

“I-” 

Jacobi had thought of what to say, elaborate monologues of him spilling every sincere thought, each of them scrapped for something simpler, something less desperate. But when he stood right in front of him every single word failed him, his mind completely blank.

“No, nothing like that I just-”

“Get that tongue of your untied, Jacobi, I don't have all day.”

“I've brought a gift for you.”

He sat on his knee like he had done so many times before in his knightly duty and forced his fingers open so he could hand it over. 

A ring, gold, intricate but discreet and a single red carnation.

Jacobi didn’t want to meet his eyes. This was an act of courtship and Kepler knew that well. While not uncommon for a knight like him, this felt inappropriate, he wasn't supposed to court the man ordering him to kill, not a man like Kepler. They both knew that very well.

He forced himself to look up.

Kepler was serious, gears once again turning behind cruel grey eyes, the look sending shivers down Jacobi’s spine, making the sound of his heartbeat drown almost every sound around him.

He picked up the carnation, slightly holding it up he brought it up to his nose to breathe its aroma. Kepler's hand went to the ring next, examining the decorative carvings on its shiny, metallic surface.

“Why did you bring me this?”

“You know why.”

“I want to hear it from you.”

“I…I wanted to repay you.. for everything you've given me.”

“Wrong. Let's try again.”

Jacobi flinched, of course this half baked lie wouldn't work but at the same time he couldn't bring himself to utter the truth to him.

“Don't make me ask a second time Jaco-”

“Because you're everything.”

Kepler was intrigued, nodding for him to keep talking.

“I used to have nothing to my name other than my skill as a blacksmith, and then I lost that too. But now I have everything, because I'm your knight.”

Sincerity burned his tongue as the words flew out of his mouth one after the other but Kepler's stubbornness was an immovable obstacle pinning him up against the wall and squeezing them out in the process.

“There you go.”

Wearing it on his right hand he admired it more under the candlelight.

With relief washing over his entire body, Jacobi felt like he could breathe again.

“It's a very beautiful ring, I admit I wouldn't have thought you would pick something like it.”

“I mean… I picked it for you.”

“That you did.” 

“Heh, not bad right?”

Kepler chuckled.

“Not bad at all.”

Kepler's hand reached down and took Jacobi's face and tilted it up, thumb ever so slightly stroking the burn scar on his cheek. It took all his remaining willpower not to desperately lean into the touch

“My knight.”

That single moment that Kepler's eyes softened would remain in his mind until the day he died, for that he was sure.

“I should get back to work.”

Kepler snapped back to his usual self, pating his cheek for him to get up.

“I'll be out of your hair then…”

He lingered at the door for a few seconds, just enough to steal another glance before closing it behind him. 

Finally he got to let himself release that sigh that has been building in his lungs for hours-no, perhaps months. 

Chapter Text

“I'd appreciate it if you didn't stare, mister Jacobi.”

The past couple of weeks had been something else. Calling them the best in his life would be stretching it but each time Kepler gave him a pat on the shoulder for a job well done and his hand lingered, it truly felt like it. When Jacobi lingered by the door of his study just to look at him with no fear before bidding him goodnight or when Kepler leaned in a little closer to tell him something. How his breath brushed hot against his jaw made him yearn for more, that it was his lips that found his skin, that his hands felt his shoulder raw, with no armour between them. That he could look him in the eyes from right next to him rather than the other side of the room.

Not that he could ever have any of that.

That rarely ever stopped his mind from wandering though. It only came to him easier when he couldn't sleep at night, what could happen if he could reach for him when they were alone, touch him, feel him. What would he feel like with his hands wrapped around him. What he tasted like. Could his breath keep him warm through the endless cold nights.

He knew to keeps his hands off, but he couldn't also keep his eyes off of him

Until one day he snapped.

“This is beyond inappropriate, for you to be staring at your lord in public.”

“With all due respect, but the merchant wasn't even in the room with us yet, who cares?”

“Who care- there were servants around. Walls have eyes and ears. Do not ever think about pulling such a despicably stupid stunt ever again, because the consequences for it reach way beyond what your simpleton mind could grasp.”

“I- Ugh wha… Either way it wasn't even that long of a stare. They'd think I'm keeping an eye out at most.”

“You cannot be careless with such things. Do you have any idea-”

“If what? If some poor servant sees a knight have an interest in someone? Last time I checked that wasn't going against any rules.”

“Jacobi there'd be rumors.”

“Oh right. I guess it's you. Like fucking always. Kepler's knight, following him around and eyeing him down. Gosh what will the court say ?”

“ Jacobi- ”

“No, because all you care about is your goddamned name. You have all this power; over me, these servants, hell, the guy who owns the servants! And all you ever care about is how they see you, like it matters. Why-”

“ Quiet ”

Jacobi finally paused. For a moment the only thing he could hear through the painful, still silence in the room before Kepler spoke again, was his own shaky breaths and the blood pumping deep inside his skull.

“You clearly have no understanding of what is going around you and never bothered to learn about it in the two years you've been here. I will not explain myself nor my actions, not to you.”

“Hah, right-”

“ Now ! On the matter at hand. You're to cease this behaviour. Period.”

“But-”

“Needless to say that's an order Jacobi.”

“But what's the point?”

“Of.. what .”

The words could barely come out, throat tight and teeth pressed together. He pushed them through regardless.

“You know… the ring, the gift, the…”

“ Courtship .”

Jacobi kneaded his eyebrows together, breath caught in his chest waiting for Kepler to answer his question.

“I think… you might have misunderstood the situation.”

“I'm sorry you knew what I offered and accepted it, how did I get the wrong idea here?”

“I guess I never should have then. It was…a moment of weakness.”

“A moment of weakness huh. What else was a moment of weakness then? Thinking I could be your knight?”

Somehow his comment had made Kepler's still calm face contort with anger.

“ Making you a knight was a calculated move, never make a mistake about it. I made you a knight, and that's what you'll always be, nothing more.”

Every word felt like a punch to the gut, each worse than the last.

“Accepting a gift of courtship, now that was a foolish mistake.”

Kepler took the ring off and set it on his desk.

“Take it with you and I better not see it again, understood?”

The world had been reduced to the dimly lit study and it was spinning violently. There were many emotions fogging Jacobi's mind, filling his head up and threatening to spill from his eyes but the one thing he could process was anger. Boiling, dizzying, ready to trip him over the edge of giving Kepler a piece of his mind that would get him killed on the spot. He bit his tongue and grabbed the ring from the desk with a dry “yes sire” loosening his handkerchief and leaving it behind in its place.

“ DAMN IT ”

The bubbling rage building inside him like fumes, had finally unavoidably burst, making Jacobi throw the ring into the lit fireplace in a fit.

He couldn't even process what had just happened, having his own gift thrown back in his face with a lecture to boot, just barely a month later too. Sure assumptions were made, that Kepler would also be interested in Jacobi after he accepted his gift, his courting . That he could be a little more sparing with his glances, that his eyes could rest up on his face after a long day, just for a few more minutes. He had really thought that Kepler would be more generous with his touch, but apart from that caress on the cheek, Jacobi hadn't felt it again on his skin. Instead Kepler had punished him for a faux pas he wasn't aware of.

Staring at the fire he watched the ring slowly sink in the ashes.

“Shit shit”

He grabbed the stroker and fished it out before it was out of sight, letting it fall on the floor and stared at it, waiting for it to cool down.

The thoughts kept writhing inside his skull, each feeling contradicting the last. He hated him so much, he always felt anger and hatred towards him but it was a feeling entangled with love with no way to separate the two. They were stuck together like a grotesque collage. But now sitting on the edge of his bed, breath shaking and holding the still hot metal in his hand, relishing in the slight burn on his fingers, he felt like Kepler had selfishly stripped him from everything but the venomous loathing deep in his chest.

Since he couldn't get himself to get rid of the ring, he shoved it in a drawer, out of sight but barely out of mind. The slight red imprint on his fingers still burned and stung.

“If I'm being honest -”

“Uugh..”

“-you also made the mistake of courting him in the first place.”

“Alana, not you too.. I thought you were here to cheer me up.”

Jacobi had dragged Maxwell to take a stroll with him by the creek next to the estate for a talk. They both always were there for eachother when the other was in trouble so of course she agreed, but it was evident that his ‘whining’ had already got to her nerves.

“I'm not here to stroke your ego Daniel. That was a horrible idea. Seriously, what did you think was going to happen? You two riding off to the sunset?”

“ No ! No… it was just… You know what it doesn't matter.”

“Well you can't hate him forever.. given he's your lord-”

“Yes I can hate him, you think I can go back to how things were after that?”

“I didn't mean going back to doing puppy eyes at him Daniel.”

“ He cradled my face Alana ! He held me with that ring on his hand and called me-”

He felt himself shaking with anger again, words slowly breaking, unable to utter the phrase.

“- then the bastard took it all back. Why...”

Maxwell let out a big sigh.

“Neither of us know why he does anything. Maybe he had different plans for that.”

They sat at their favourite spot, feeling the chill spring breeze on their skin. It was a peaceful moment, listening to the birds and the rushing water nearby and for the first time in days, his mind felt quiet.

“I never asked you how the trip was.”

Jacobi asked, head leaning on his folded forearms.

“Oh you know, it was work. Every time I visit the palace I never really have time for anything else really.”

“Why, you'd want a tour of king Cutter's castle of mysteries?”

“Pff shut up!”

“Just saying, watch out for the skeletons in every closet.”

“You know very well I'd want to study the skeletons.”

“Of course you would…”

Since Kepler had been busy with his own work,  none of them was really needed that day. It was nice to take that evening to relax with his best friend. He wasn't aware of how much he needed it, nor that it was possible for her to cheer him up 

“Are you sure, absolutely certain you don't want to come along?”

“Yes Daniel, I am absolutely certain that I don't have to come along.”

“You always have one business or another at the palace though..”

“Not this time.”

It had been a week, a slow and painful one. Jacobi had been trying to avoid any unnecessary contact with Kepler, wound still sizzling hot, only going to see him when needed. Still those meetings were filled with silence broken off by stiff words and rigid sentences, only leaving an ever expanding pit of emptiness in his chest.

The moment he dreaded the most, having to accompany Kepler somewhere, had finally crept up to him and his only salvation was Maxwell tagging along. But he could never bring himself to beg her to, no matter how much he needed her around.

He took a deep, slow breath.

“Daniel-”

“No it's fine I get it. No need for you to be dragged out all the way there.”

“Daniel, listen. You've got to get over this. Over him. For your own good.”

“Alana… I can't.”

His voice broke into sincerity.

“At least try.”

Riding next to him always felt far more personal than following along the carriage. Kepler's horse trotted onwards along the cleared path and Jacobi's followed close, always his shield, always his sword, whether he liked it or not. 

He missed it when he liked it. 

The satisfaction of it, the burning dedication to him, all driven by a want deep in his chest that had now been carved out, gutted like an animal.

He couldn't be seen still bleeding though. Everything moves on. Work needed to be done. ‘Grit your teeth and keep moving, Daniel. Like you've always done’. As hard as it was he steeled his face and kept facing forward at Kepler's back.

Kepler was silent. When the both of them were on horseback, and thus in closer proximity, he always kept a conversation rolling. Most of the time he spinned insane stories and Jacobi could only wonder how he could keep them coming after the years without recycling any of them. He used to like the ambient sound of his voice but on that trip he could only find comfort in his silence.

He was thankful he never had to do any talking when he had to accompany Kepler for his business. This time Kepler didn't even have to tell him to wait outside until he was done. 

It only made the wait even more torturous. Hours of pacing back and forth. When he had to wait he liked to ride around wherever their work had taken them but he was always forced to stay put when he waited for him outside the palace. 

This time he didn't even have the anticipation of Kepler coming back to him, just the empty feeling of dread creeping up on his spine.

He looked up to the sky until the activity of passing the time with giving shape to clouds turned into piecing together constellations in the early night sky. His body shivered, despite the mid spring weather, the night's cold breeze and the humidity trapped in his armour seeped the warmth from his body, letting the bone gnawing chill settle over him. On one hand he couldn't wait to go back home, but the estate has started to feel more and more like a stranger again, slowly and tortuously, the halls twisting, dark and estranged whenever he wandered around. At least he could still warm up by the fire and gather his thoughts by the fireplace at the end of the day. Well at least he could try before they all spiraled out of control and robbed him of most of his sleep again.

Kepler finally walked outside. He was framed by the ambient light from the lanterns stationed near the gate, keeping his figure dark and stern. 

“Let's go Jacobi.”

He noted while getting on his horse.

“Yes sire…”

Jacobi was only glad the trip back was uneventful because his mind was anything but present during the ride. He wanted to be anywhere else, and his mind at least, had already escaped against his better judgement.

Chapter Text

The stormy night wind was cold, but Jacobi had been colder. Face stiff under the rain responding only with a simple ‘yes sire’ to each and every question and order. To each simple sentence. This is how it should be, how he should always have acted. And yet why didn't it sit well with him. It felt so wrong.

For once in a very long time he felt the cold creep up his collar and through the many layered clothes. The spring storm drenched them to the bone, the wind howling words neither of them dared to unless they wanted to end up killing each other. 

Of course things couldn't go back to how they were, Kepler knew that. He knew when he had broken something, whether that was Jacobi's trust or heart, the man looked defeated. When he tried to recall the last time he saw his daring smile his memory failed him, not a single insurance after that argument. It was always the stern, angry expression stuck on his face, always looking focused. 

Kepler liked it more when his features were relaxed.

He knew he was wrong. Not telling him to take a step back. The way he handled it, handled him, it was too harsh. Jacobi had hit a vein, made him angry in the way he failed again and again to realise the burden of having the king breathing down their necks, being a member of his court. How he failed to understand that he was going to fare worse than Kepler would Cutter decide to take action.

He didn't want to lose him in such a careless way.

He knew better than to give in, there were things he couldn't have and Jacobi was one of them. 

The sky kept raining harder and harder on them.

“We should wait this rain out.”

“Yes sire.”

“Are you going to do or say anything else or are you going to ‘yes sire’ your way to a less drenched place?”

“How the hell are we even supposed to do so in the middle of nowhere? Or would your highness want me to make the rain magically stop?”

That was new. 

“Language Jacobi. And cut the attitude, do you want to be doing more upkeep on your armour just because of your stubbornness?”

“Uuugh fine!... There sould be a small town nearby, we could find an inn for you. I suppose you want me to find you a room too.”

“Good to see you at least remember how to do your job underneath all that catatonic behaviour.”

“Isn't that what you wanted? Sire? For me to be your good, loyal dog? No barking back?”

“At least dogs wag their tails when they see their master. You're making people around the estate worry.”

“Well, too bad. That's their problem, not mine.”

“It's my problem too when I am the one people usually address for their problems.”

“Sorry to give you the responsibility then.”

After one last comment laced with everything other than sincerity, Jacobi dropped it. He pulled on the horse's reins, changing the direction towards the town he mentioned.

There was no bargain for staying inside the room with him like last time, or the time before or the first time when he brought up the argument of someone sneaking through the window in the middle of the night was always a threat he needed protection for. He left his armour to dry and wordlessly left for his post outside his door.

He didn’t believe anyone would come in through the window for his life the first time and never did, but every time the rain knocked on the glass just a little too hard he expected to see Jacobi’s silhouette framed by the faint light from outside just in the corner of his vision. The thought that his mind craved the false protection to a nonexistent threat felt ridiculous, yet he realised how the comfort had established itself in his subconscious. Regardless he closed his eyes, they still had the rest of the way to their destination tomorrow, yet another target to investigate.  

***

Calling what Jacobi felt was restlessness would be an understatement. He sat on his horse, riding in circles near the entryway into the forest where king Cutter had invited Kepler for a hunt, obviously one of his eccentric excuses to speak privately. If it weren't obvious to Jacobi before it would have now, not being allowed to follow along, their pursuit was a conversation meant only for the two of them.

“Would you wait for us here Daniel? This is a hunt for me and Warren.”

“Of course your majesty.”

Jacobi still felt furious towards Kepler, an anger that just wouldn't subside even after a month. All consuming and burning him up on the inside. He wondered if it would ever die down or the flames would rage on until there was only ashes left.

“You've got to get over this. Over him. For your own good.”

He really tried. Tried harder and harder but his failure had been set in stone by his past defeats in the same battle. Doomed to love and hate him and to agonise about a contradiction of his own making.

Kepler had been pretty confident about the invitation. He, on the other hand, was feeling unreasonably anxious, a foreboding feeling weighing his chest.

He tried to shake it off, Kepler was more than capable of handling a simple hunt. Hell, king Cutter was way more dangerous than any animal out there and he had tea with him multiple times each month. In an hour or two they would both come out of the forest with their spoils tied to the back of their horses.

“Well, hurry up Kepler…”

He muttered to himself looking up at yet another approaching spring storm.

The wait felt more and more torturous as time went on, anxiety creeping up faster than the wind pushed the dark clouds over his head. He cursed, this situation, himself. The king. Leaving Kepler unprotected while he walked around with a giant target on his back was stupid, Cutter should know this and yet the privacy of his words took priority. He should have insistent-

Suddenly something shifted in the wind, a distant scream, one he didn’t recognise but he put his hand over his sword nonetheless. He headed towards the opening of the forest, mind and heart racing, unable to hear anything over the blood pumping in his ears and the noise inside his head, paranoia and fear driving him to disobey direct orders “to stay put”.

When he almost reached the first trees he noticed something leaving towards the clearing. It was Kepler's horse but something seemed wrong. It looked spooked and he was slumped on its neck, hand still gripping on the reins. It was when it reached the clearing that Jacobi saw the arrow sticking out of his back.

For just one moment he felt the blood drain from his face, his hands numb and his brain frozen in place. Then he snapped the reins in his hands for his own horse to start running the other way to catch up to them.

Running up to and next to the scared horse, he grabbed the reins and forced it to a stop, careful not to have Kepler topple and fall over. He jumped off of the saddle.

“My lord?”

Trying to calm the still shaken horse he managed to take a good look at him from up close, the arrow was stuck in the right side of his back, blood already staining and irreparably ruining his expensive coat.

“Kepler!” He shouted when he didn't receive an answer.

“Jacobi…”

“What happened!?”

“I…”

His grip was already loosening and his eyes were drifting. Jacobi's eyes scouted the area around them for any movement or any person nearby but the wind that had already picked up didn't exactly make it easy for him to make sure that whoever had done this had followed him or not.

“Hey hey, stay with me, we're going to get you to a doctor!”

He mounted Kepler's horse and after he made sure Kepler himself wasn't going to fall off he kicked. As much as he wanted to take him back to the estate, leave him to Maxwell's capable and trusty hands, the palace was way closer. For all the years he worked for Kepler, he didn't trust king Cutter, nor a lot of his staff, not with Pryce as his head doctor. 

Kepler was leaning back on his chest and for once Jacobi was glad that his armour was between them, that way he knew he wouldn't be able to feel his fast beating heart threatening to crack his ribs open.

“Just stay with me, come on!”

Jacobi waited, nothing else to do but wait until the sun set, red like Kepler's blood still staining his armour. At first he sat outside the room they put him in, but a few hours after one of Pryce's doctors went in in a hurry, he felt like he could no longer stay still. 

Wandering the castle halls at night wasn't an experience he'd ever expected to have in the first place. The main halls were dimly lit by candles while smaller turns and branches were completely dark, the only light being from outside the windows. It was quiet. Eerily so, his footsteps being the only echoe everywhere he went. A few guards were always stationed in fixed spots, not stopping his aimless walk but he could definitely feel their eyes boring into his back as he passed by them, he didn't pay them any mind though. Nor any of the frivolous decorations or impressive paintings of the current and previous kings, the colourful stained glass on some of the windows that painted the marble floors even with the faint moonlight.

His mind fixed on Kepler and the burning contradiction tearing him apart from the inside. The hatred he felt and the love and the worry and the fear of losing him. 

He couldn’t help but feel guilty. He should have been by his side, insisted that he came along and turn a blind eye to whatever the king wanted to talk about. All those months of trying and failing to find a decisive lead on who has it out for him, an unresolved threat, he should have known better than to give the opening they were looking for. Too wrapped up in obeying orders to stop and think, to present an argument, to plead to not let him go alone.

He wished he could let go of one of those feelings, but the hurt and the anger sheethed and burned him, yet his attachment to him was part of his very being. And if he was stuck with him what would happen to Jacobi if Kepler was gone. The king would definitely find a use for him if he chose not to simply run away again and start anew someplace far from the capital. But what would happen to the hole that his death would cruelly tear inside him, would he ever be able to fill it up again? Part of him knew he would keep wandering with that part always missing from him until he seized to move, until his legs couldn't carry him forward anymore or until he simply stopped.

His legs carried him forward from hall to hall through big and small rooms while his mind was stuck going in the same circle over and over and over again, the same thoughts viewed from different angles, all being the same despite the change of perspective.

“ Daaaanieeel ~”

A distant low, melodic voice calling his name shook him awake. Cutter was standing over him with a smile full of anticipation and sadism stretching over his face. He was back outside the room Kepler was resting. The memory of getting back was hazy, his legs carrying him back on their own while his mind drifted so far he was barely registering at what was in front of him.

“Your… majesty…”

“Wakey wakey dear knight. Well, you stayed here all night, Warren sure has a good leash on you.”

“I'm- I beg your pardon?”

“Oh nothing. Time for you to head back home Daniel.”

“What about-”

“Warren is going to rest here for a little longer before we send him back to his estate and to the care of doctor Maxwell. No need for you to keep waiting here. Help will be needed to keep that place running after all.”

“Right, your majesty…”