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Jiang Xuening had always known her proficiency at the qin could not be improved by Xie Wei’s normal cuttingly blunt assessments that her fingers moved like turnips on the strings. It wasn’t until Xue Shu had somehow tricked her into committing to perform at Shen Lang’s upcoming wanshou banquet in front of the entire court and she was subsequently forced to spend even more time practicing under the questionable qin tutelage of Xie Shaoshi, that she realised her performance responded much better to the promise of Xie Wei’s own qin-calloused fingers stroking beneath her skirt and pressing against her core. 

“That Guang Ling San passage sounds almost passable now,” he whispered against her ear, making her entire body shiver - it was a good thing her hands were clutching his sleeves, otherwise she was sure she would have snapped a string by now, and such destruction of an instrument would put an end to this afternoon delight, “which is a miracle considering how much time you spend not practicing in our lessons.”

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Xie Wei walked calmly towards her, until they were suddenly face to face, close enough to touch, red against white like that ermine cloak that covered her only to titillate the last time she looked for him; she had asked to see him once more, and he would not have been surprised if she had intended to put herself at his mercy again. 

Instead, Xie Wei found himself swallowing the bitterness that flooded his mouth as Jiang Xuening laid out her purpose: an exchange of legitimacy to absolve him of the stain of rebellion and regicide, so that he could install and raise up the next righteous monarch, or take even take that highest seat himself with all the power that came with it, for her death and Zhang Zhe’s life. As if that was what Xie Wei desired.

He had said yes, because she had asked, and he would give her this. He could only give her this, when he could give her nothing else that she previously craved. Perhaps it was fortunate that she took that knife to her throat right after he said the word. She would never know, with his vengeance achieved that only seemed to leave him more like a body without a soul than before, Xie Wei would soon follow her with no intention of carrying out either the great endeavour of lifting Qian to a new glory, or the mercy of saving a righteous man. 

No one knew - no one would ever know - of the bargain that was struck between Xie Wei and Jiang Xuening, and Xie Wei could only hope that bile of spite of denying her last request, as he had denied her that night, because she had denied him herself and her heart all this time, would be enough to carry him to the Yellow Springs without any further need for thoughts of her. 

If that could be possible, it would be something like peace. But even as he stood here, splatters of her blood still warm on his cheeks, he suspected he did not deserve something so delicate as peace. 

As he probably never deserved Jiang Xuening at all. 

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In the first life, Jiang Xuening didn’t resist Yan Lin’s forced advances in the end, perhaps because some part of her felt that she deserved it, and he was owed this vengeance. She had also tried desperately and failed every time to ignore the way his body would shake with agonising grief, torturous guilt, and self-hatred afterwards. 

In the second life, even if she thought he could give her the safe and peaceful haven she craved (it took Xie Wei kissing her in that cave for her to realise that uneventful peace would actually not have suited her well), she still could not have chosen Yan Lin, because as loveable as he was now, before everything, the part of her that had lived two lifetimes would never be able to quite shake how he had been…how he could become…(because of her…) 

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It wasn’t just the thirst for vengeance that drove Yan Lin, it was also dreams of having Jiang Xuening on her knees at his feet, and hearing her rue the day she had left him dripping blood in the rain. Except, dreams, even when they came true, never brought anyone any satisfaction and reality was never quite as one imagined it; there was no fulfillment to be had even once she had stopped struggling against him; if anything, it only seemed to intensify the feeling of heartbreak and disgust that rose within him, that all his dreams had crumbled into this. 

And yet, he couldn’t seem to stop coming back for more, even as he asked himself whether this whole thing was supposed to be a punishment for her, or for himself. 

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Apparently she should be more angry at Wanniang, for switching her, for lying, for keeping the truth from her all these years, but Jiang Xuening’s mind could not shake still the years that Wanniang had also raised her and cared for her and nurtured her dreams. Besides, if her parents truly wanted to make it up to her, they would let the truth be known, but instead, the face and reputation of the Jiang family still mattered more — because of course it did. If her parents would not give her back what Jiang Xuehui had stolen from her, how could they blame Jiang Xuening for taking it all into her own hands, and snatching back what was only rightfully hers? 

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“Why is Xie Daren releasing me, are you not afraid that I will reveal all your sins to the world?” Zhang Zhe asked. 

Xie Wei looked at him with disdain. “And who will listen to you, a disgraced minister no longer fit to hold any position, especially not in my court?”

“Yes, I suppose it will be your court now and I suppose I should think I am no longer a threat, but that still does not explain it all.”

“I received a request, a life for a life — in this case, yours, for Jiang Xuening’s.” 

At first, the words didn’t make much sense to Zhang Zhe, but when they did, they hit him like an arrow to the chest. And Xie Wei was doing this on purpose. Telling him of her death without preamble, without warning like this. Zhang Zhe gritted his teeth.

“Why would she trade her life for mine?” 

Xie Wei laughed coldly. “Zhang Daren may lie to yourself about your feelings,” he said, the honorific dripping with mockery, “but can you lie to yourself about hers? She seems to think you an honourable man, despite everything.”

“In that case, she is lying to herself as well,” Zhang Zhe said bitterly.

“Perhaps, but women in love lie to themselves all the time, and the life of the evil empress is still more than worth that of a powerless Zhang Zhe.”

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When he first met Jiang Xuening, Yan Lin had firmly believed she was his soulmate…that they were undoubtedly tied to together by an unbreakable red string and would be destined to be together forever. Even after everything, even after he had stormed the imperial palace and claimed her husband’s life, he still could not shake that pull towards her. 

Now, Yan Lin did not dare to reach out and touch her body, knowing that it must still be warm, with blood still dripping from her neck; his insides seemed to burn and howl — this was not how things were supposed to end, how that string that had tied them together in friendship and love and hatred and enmity would be cut, releasing them both in the end. 

But it was. 

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Yan Lin used to believe, as long as he treated Jiang Xuening with a pure and honourable heart, her feelings would bend towards him eventually — after all, who could love her and cherish her the way Yan Lin could? It was only until later, when he watched in horror as she fell, dagger still clutched in her own hand, that he realised it was never love or being cherished that Jiang Xuening desired, even if surely it was impossible she could have desired this. Still, it was clear that it never mattered what he thought Jiang Xuening should want, or even what she wanted and whether she got it in the end — it all ended with a pain all the same, with Yan Lin feeling like his very soul was burning into ash as he watched Jiang Xuening bleed out at his feet. 

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As Jiang Xuening drew her eyebrows, placed the pearl just in the middle of the huadian, and prepared for death, she thought about how she had never anticipated the arrival of the junior preceptor like this before. Today, Xie Wei would be her only hope for salvation, but also the source of her ruin. After all these years drowning in the cold until she no longer remembered why she so craved this position at Ning An Palace, after she had stepped on everyone in her path for what she thought she wanted, her punishment and downfall were long overdue.

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The moment Shen Jie asked Jiang Xuening the question was also the moment she realised that he, too, had been reborn — or traveled back in time, or whatever this impossible experience was: “Did you ever love me at all?”

“Not in the way you imagined, not in the way you wished to be loved,” she said frankly, because that was the least she could do for him now, “but I did love you, in my own way — it was only through you that I got everything I ever wanted, including payback on my parents, on Jiang Xuehui.”

“Perhaps you did her a favour in the end, she would not have suited life in the palace,” Shen Jie said after a long silence, and Jiang Xuening could not help but wonder if this reborn Shen Jie was not intending to go after Jiang Xuehui again, and that even in this second life, Jiang Xuehui would still have her love slip from her fingers. 

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“Accidentally” dropping her handkerchief was only the first part of the plan. Jiang Xuening knew, once Shen Jie thought he knew who she was, once he had made his intentions to marry her known to the empress dowager, that was when her actual battle would begin. There seemed little chance that the empress dowager and the Xue family would accept that Xue Shu would have no place in Shen Jie’s harem, so perhaps it would do Jiang Xuening good to accept that as a given, and focus her energy on making sure that the empress position would fall into her hands.