Chapter Text
June 1st
Why were people supposed to wear black to funerals? White was a bride's color for some ancient belief in purity, did the black mean every mourner was dirty? Was it just to show the emotional state of the mourners, the people who were supposed to say goodbye to someone already gone?
What was the point of it?
The longer that Meredith stared in the mirror, pretending like she was going to do anything at all with her hair or makeup, the more she understood why her mom requested there to be no funeral for her. Sure, most of it was probably the raging narcissism, but it seemed so pointless too.
"Mer?" Alex walked in the bathroom behind Meredith and slid his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder. Alex looked exhausted, the sort of exhaustion that would be bone-deep and only a week of sleep could fix.
It was because he wouldn't rest, he wanted to be everywhere all the time so that he could take care of any little thing before it became a problem for Meredith. It was sweet, needless, and had bags hanging below his eyes that couldn't be healthy.
"You need a vacation," Meredith said. She meant to sound bossy, not all fond and ridiculous. "We could do that, you know, go on vacation."
"Yeah?" Alex smiled a little and he looked nice in his black suit, tired but nice. "A weeklong vacation in Iowa?"
That wasn't exactly the vacation Meredith had in mind. They had all of June off after their intern exam, it gave people time to transfer to other programs or for residents to be shuffled. It would be a long stretch of time and Alex could sleep, they could all just breathe.
They all just needed to breathe.
"Maybe a few days in Iowa, after you get some sleep," Meredith told him. So maybe Meredith said she didn't mind going to meet Alex's family, but she didn't mean the week after Susan Grey died.
"Memorial service, intern exam, Yang's wedding, then sleep," Alex said. "Hey, is it bad if I say you look really hot in your funeral clothes?"
Meredith hadn't laughed in days, but Alex's genuine question actually managed to make her laugh. It was just so Alex.
"I love you," she told him, turning around in his arms so that she could wrap hers around his shoulders. Meredith did love him - she loved that Alex was there, he wasn't pushing, he got it. Alex had been as close to Susan as Meredith was so when she saw his grief, it was like it gave her permission to feel her own.
Which was totally stupid and somehow true.
"I love you," Alex said. He leaned in and kissed Meredith lightly, a sweet kiss that nobody would ever believe Alex Karev was capable of. "Let's go kick ass today, alright?"
Meredith didn't know if she was up to kick ass, as long as she wasn't the one getting her ass kicked though then maybe it would at least work out.
Cristina met them at the hospital doors, passing over coffees and rapid fire questions for last-minute cramming. Meredith's brain felt like it was going to explode already, she so wasn't in the mood for more studying.
"Enough!" she cried. "Cristina, enough! If we don't know the material by now then we're finished and that's that, okay?"
"Okay? No, not okay," Cristina scowled. "Meredith, this is our entire future. Future employers will have access to these scores. This can make or break our residencies."
Internships, residencies, the future… everything was happening so quickly and Meredith just needed it to slow for a minute. All she needed was one minute to breathe, to go say goodbye to Susan, and then she could get back in the game of surgery.
"Fuck off, Yang," Alex said, wrapping his arm around Meredith's waist. "We studied, alright? We've got shit to do today, don't make it worse."
"You have to go to a funeral, how could I possibly make it worse?" Cristina asked. She was probably serious, she sounded genuinely curious.
There really wasn't any way to make it worse, not until Cristina kicked Meredith's ankle with her sneaker and nodded toward the lobby doors.
"Mer, it's your dad," she hissed.
Meredith and Alex turned around and Meredith's stomach lurched when Thatcher walked directly toward her, dressed up in a suit. Molly, Thatcher and Susan's younger daughter, walked behind him, a baby in her arms, her eyes filled with an apology when they met Meredith's.
"Hey." Meredith stepped forward and tried to stay half a step in front of Alex, his knuckles were still scabbed, he didn't need tempted to throw anymore punches. "We were just about to head your way," she said.
"I came here to tell you no," Thatcher said. He smelled like booze, like he had to drink half of a liquor cabinet to get through the day.
It made sense, Ellis had never been a big drinker, Meredith would have inherited the worst of both her parents.
"I don't want you there," Thatcher said loudly, ensuring everyone in the lobby heard him. "Susan - Susan trusted you, she did, she trusted you and she's gone and I don't want you there, Meredith."
"Dad!" Molly tried to grab Thatcher's arm. "Stop it!"
"No! I hope I never see you again!" Thatcher yelled at Meredith. "You're a poison, Meredith! Just like your mother!"
A… poison… because Meredith killed Susan.
Ellis was dead, Susan was dead, and Thatcher didn't want to see Meredith, he stormed away before Meredith could even find anything to say.
"Fuck that guy," Alex said quickly, his arm tightening around Meredith so she couldn't run. Everyone was looking at her with their eyes filled with pity, pity for the poisonous girl who couldn't keep Susan alive.
"Yeah." Cristina started in with Alex, her voice too optimistic to be genuine. "It's not about Thatcher, it's about saying goodbye to Susan. He can't ban you from the funeral."
No, he probably couldn't. But Meredith stared at the doors that Thatcher walked out and knew she wouldn't go. Thatcher didn't want her there, he didn't. Susan might have, but she was dead.
Susan was dead, Ellis was dead, and Meredith stood between the man she loved and her best friend and couldn't feel more alone if she tried.
Cristina left them to go gawk in the viewing gallery on one of Derek's surgeries, some mountain climber with a pick axe in his head. Meredith wasn't up for watching, she wasn't up for going to the library or locker room or cafeteria or any of the things Alex offered.
It was like she was completely numb, unable to think of anything except for Thatcher's accusations. Meredith knew she didn't kill Susan, Meredith had only been allowed to observe in the OR, but Susan went to Seattle Grace because Meredith worked there.
If she went somewhere else, would she still be alive? If Ellis never had the child she didn't want, would she have delayed her Alzheimer's with the reduced stress? Was Meredith the common denominator?
Ellis was dead, Susan was dead, Thatcher never wanted to see her again.
Meredith never cared about Thatcher before, she never spared a thought to the man who didn't raise her. They never exchanged letters or cards, Meredith didn't even know he lived in the area until Molly Grey was admitted. It shouldn't bother her to lose Thatcher, to lose a father she never had, but…
Ellis was dead, Susan was dead. Thatcher was all she had left.
"She's all I had."
Alex sat beside Meredith in the lobby with his tie loosened, his hand tight around Meredith's. He didn't say anything, which was good because Meredith didn't feel like talking, until Addison's heels clicked on her way across the lobby to them.
"Karev, there you are," Addison said. "The test starts in ten minutes, you two need to get moving."
Ten minutes? They had hours still, the test wasn't until—
Meredith looked at the giant clock behind the receptionist's desk and saw Addison was right. They had somehow sat there for hours while it felt like moments.
Just moments of time, flying by too quickly for Meredith to grasp them.
"Here, eat this." Addison passed a granola bar to Alex and waved them both to their feet. "You look tired. Damn it, Alex, I told you to get plenty of sleep. You know how important this test is."
"I'm fine," Alex complained. "Would you back off? I'm not going to screw this up."
It was sweet, Meredith thought. Addison clearly cared that Alex was ready, she cared about him and his career. Maybe Meredith should have been jealous, jealous that Addison was the one nagging Alex or jealous that there wasn't an attending who cared that Meredith passed the exam, but she couldn't find it in her.
Alex deserved that, he did. Alex wasn't a poison, he didn't drive people away or to their death.
"The carousel never stops turning."
Ellis said that once, though Meredith couldn't place when she said it. It felt right - time kept moving, things kept happening, and the carousel never stopped turning.
Meredith had blinked and they were outside of the exam room. Addison was lecturing Alex, Cristina walked inside with muted facts being whispered, and Meredith was stuck.
The future was in front of her, it was. The future was good too, it had surgery and Alex and a life filled with happiness. If Meredith could take the step, it could be hers. Her foot wouldn't move, it wouldn't take her forward, she was stuck in the moment, stuck in a moment that should already be a memory.
"Meredith?" Webber held an arm out when Meredith tried to lift her foot and she looked up at him.
"The carousel never stops turning," Mom said. She was crying, Mom never cried. Meredith wanted to hug her, but she was stuck on the dragon she chose to ride.
"Are you sad?" Meredith tried to ask. "Is it because of Dad?"
Because Meredith was sad, she missed her dad.
"Thatcher is a worm," Mom said. "Spineless, slimy." Tears were falling from her eyes and Meredith tried to see what she was looking at, all she could see was the back of a man who walked away from the carousel. "I just want it to stop," Mom whispered.
Then the carousel started spinning and Meredith saw the man look back one time, Doctor Richard, Mom's friend.
"Meredith?" Webber tried to grip Meredith's shoulder and she twisted away from him. "We can reschedule," he told her. "You don't have to do this today."
Meredith looked at Webber and knew that it was him that walked away from Ellis. Ellis left Thatcher for Webber and he stayed with his wife.
And for what? Webber wasn't staying at home anymore, Meredith knew that. Adele told him to give up surgery for her and he wouldn't. Webber gave up Ellis for Adele, but not surgery.
Ellis died alone, Richard was alone, Thatcher was alone.
What was the point of it all when they all ended up alone?
"Are you happy?" Meredith asked Webber. "Do you regret anything?"
Webber pulled his hand back slowly and couldn't look away from Meredith anymore than she could have him. Meredith looked hard in his eyes and saw what he didn't say, what she knew was true.
Webber was a man filled with regrets. He had a great love with Ellis and he chose dury instead. Then he lost them both.
If they all ended up alone, then what was the point of it?
What was the point of Adele loving Webber, Webber loving Ellis, Thatcher loving Susan, if they all ended up alone? Was that a warning? Meredith's entire legacy was filled with people who never found happiness, only pain. Why would her story end any differently?
Did Meredith really think that she would be an exception just because she wanted to be? Did anyone ever really get everything they wanted? Did happy endings ever exist in reality?
Alex sat in the seat in front of Meredith and she stared at the back of his head while she wondered if they could do it, if they could be the exception of what seemed to be the rule. Meredith loved him, she did. Alex was her best friend, the only person who seemed to ever get it. Even when Meredith didn't know herself, Alex seemed to know her.
That had to count for something, right? It had to be something that Ellis didn't have with Thatcher or Webber.
"You're a poison, Meredith! Just like your mother!"
How much of her mother was she? How poisonous was she?
How much like her father was she? How easily could she walk away from people who needed her?
If Meredith didn't know who she was, did Alex really?
If the carousel never stopped turning, when did Meredith get to breathe?
*****
Meredith didn't answer a single question, not one.
Alex finished his test and felt good about it until he turned in his seat and saw Meredith's test was completely blank on the desk behind him. Alex knew, he freaking knew, Meredith had no business taking the test that day.
It was bad enough that Susan's funeral was set for that day, but Thatcher messed her up bad when he showed up to the hospital and banned her from the funeral.
"Meredith!" Alex tried to grab Meredith after the test ended so he could shake some sense into her or something, but she took off and he knew there wasn't any point in chasing her down.
Maybe she just needed to be alone for a little while, just long enough to get her head on straight.
"What happened?" Yang asked. "Is Meredith okay?"
"No," Alex told her flatly. "She's definitely not okay."
Because Meredith could have just thrown away her entire career with that test. If she didn't pass, she would have to redo her intern year and Alex didn't think she would do that.
Meredith would walk away from surgery, away from Alex, if he didn't find a way to fix it. It wasn't like she failed, she just didn't take the exam. Surely that could be fixed, it didn't have to ruin everything.
If Alex couldn't fix it, it would ruin everything.
Alex sent Yang after Meredith and then went to check the OR board. There was only one person who could help Meredith and it wasn't Alex, it had to be Webber.
And Alex was going to make dawn sure he fixed it. Webber owed Meredith, surely. The guy split up her parents and probably messed Ellis up until she turned into the bitter bitch that Meredith had to be raised by.
Webber was in OR 3, finishing up a facial reconstruction and esophageal repair on one of the mountain climbers who were brought in that morning. Alex still had his suit on, so he waited in the scrub room for Webber.
Sloan finished first and he slapped Alex's shoulder cheerfully while he scrubbed out from the surgery.
"How'd it go?" Sloan asked. "Addy's going to lose it if you didn't pass. I think she's planning on pimping you out to peds, you know. She thinks you might do good there too."
"Great," Alex said, distracted. It looked like Webber was closing up, he had to be done soon.
"Seriously, I'm thinking once you're officially a resident, maybe I'll take you for a real test drive in plastics, see if you're as good as Addison makes you sound."
It was like Meredith's career was crashing while Alex's rose up. That wasn't what he wanted, what she told him. They were supposed to be great together, Alex should be soaking up all of Addison's praise, telling Sloan that he was twice as good as she made him sound. Alex shouldn't have been just standing there, waiting to try and fix Meredith's career.
Alex loved Meredith, he just wished that she loved herself sometimes.
When Ellis died, Meredith nearly drowned because she quit swimming. Susan died and Meredith self-destructed again. Alex could keep her going, he could, but it would be easier if Meredith wasn't so damned against herself.
Alex could take care of her when she couldn't take care of herself though, he'd done it before. When his mom couldn't make sense of the world, Alex had been there. And Meredith wasn't sick like his mom was, she was in acute pain.
It would pass and Alex could fix the shit that got broken in the meantime.
The second that Webber walked in the scrub room, Alex got started on repairs.
"Doctor Webber, I need your help," Alex said bluntly, too tired to kiss anyone's ass too hard. "It's Meredith, sir, she - she didn't take the test."
"She didn't take the test?" Webber repeated slowly. "Karev, I saw her go in the room?"
"Yeah, then she sat there and didn't write a single thing," Alex explained. "I don't even think she put her name on it. Please," Alex wasn't too proud to beg, not when it came to Meredith, "Is there any way that you could let her retake it? I mean, it's not like she failed it, right? She just needs another chance."
Everyone got second chances, everyone. Alex was an ass, more than once, and Meredith gave him chances to get it right. Addison gave Alex chances to show he was worth her time and effort. If Alex could get extra chances, why not Meredith?
"She didn't answer a single question?" Webber checked.
"I don't think she even wrote her name," Alex said honestly.
"Alright." Webber sighed and rubbed his chin, just as disturbed by Meredith's choice as Alex was. "I'll find Meredith and see what I can do." Webber started to walk past Alex and then he paused, just long enough to put his hand on Alex's shoulder for a second.
"You get some sleep," he told Alex firmly. "You look ready to fall over, son. Let me take over for now."
That was a joke, Alex getting some sleep. Alex needed to make sure Meredith took her exam, then he had to be at Joe's for Burke's get together. Alex was supposed to pick up the rings from the jeweler, make sure the church was unlocked for the caterers the next day.
Everyone was counting on Alex to keep his shit together and if he just got through the next day, he'd have time to sleep. Alex could sleep, Meredith could sleep, and everything would be fine.
Alex felt like one of the creeps in a zombie movie while he walked through the hospital, his feet making all the decisions. There were people laughing, crying, celebrating new life and mourning deaths all around him and none of it touched Alex.
Everything inside of him felt empty, numb. It had been a crappy few days and Alex still had the wedding to get through before things could get better. If Meredith could pull herself together for a little longer, Alex could take over soon.
"Alex? Hello? Hey, Alex!"
Alex didn't realize it, he hadn't even been paying attention, but Izzie was standing in front of him with her face pinched. Alex looked around and realized he walked out to the clinic.
"Meredith," Alex said. He shook his head and tried to shake off the fatigue wearing him down. "Have you seen Meredith?" he tried again. That was a complete sentence, good for him.
"No, but you look awful," Izzie said as she slipped her arm behind his back and started pushing Alex to one of the empty beds. "When's the last time you slept?"
"I'm sleeping," Alex snapped. He was, a few hours here and there. Alex was sleeping more than Meredith, probably.
"Alex, you're running on empty," Izzie said. "You can't take care of everyone else if you're not taking care of yourself."
"I don't need a lecture," Alex told her. "I had to study, alright? Maybe you forgot, but some of us didn't get fired."
Alex didn't mean to say that, he didn't. The second the words left his stupid mouth, Alex wished he could take it back. Izzie flinched and Alex hated it, he hated that the first time he felt alive all day was when he hurt someone else.
"You're grieving and stressed and tired, so I'm going to pretend you didn't say that," Izzie said. She was a bigger person than Alex, a better one too. "And in exchange for my grace, you're going to sit your butt down right here and just rest for a minute, okay? Nothing is going to happen if you just rest, Alex."
Alex wanted to, Alex would have loved to sit on the bed and rest for even a few minutes, but he had to find Meredith.
"I will sedate you," Izzie argued when Alex told her that. "Do not test me, Alex Karev. I am filled with hormones and have crazy pregnancy strength. If I have to tie you to this bed and shoot you up with ketamine, I will do it."
"Fine!" Alex sat on the bed behind him and glared at Izzie. "Happy?" he demanded.
Izzie reached out and Alex had to be tired because there was no other reason it took her a light shove to knock him on his back.
"Very," she said, freaking smug as hell. "Sleep, Alex, I'll have a nurse go check on Meredith."
Alex wasn't going to sleep, it wasn't going to happen. Every time he closed his eyes since Susan died, he saw her there. It sucked and it made Alex's brain think of everything else that sucked too.
Meredith slipping away, Alex trying to breathe for her. Alex's mom screaming in the middle of the night, breaking shit to keep the government from reading their minds. Alex's dad pinning him to the wall while they fought, his hit knocking the air from Alex's lungs and doubling him over.
Alex didn't know who he was kidding, he wasn't fixing anything for anyone. Alex wanted to, he wanted Susan back and he didn't want Meredith to be suffering, but there wasn't shit he could do about it and that sucked.
Really, everything sucked and Alex didn't know if he could fix anything or if he should even bother trying anymore.
Alex drifted for a while, his mind stuck somewhere between asleep and awake. Nothing felt very real then, not the patients that he heard talking or the soft hand that held his for a while.
Someone whispered to him, a gentle apology, and Alex tried to pull himself awake for them, but he only slid deeper into sleep until there was nothing at all keeping him awake.
Izzie might have actually sedated Alex for all he knew because when he finally woke up, his body was sore, like he hadn't moved in too long. Alex groaned and started stretching his legs out before he slowly opened his eyes.
It was bright, which was a really freaking bad sign. Doctor Burke wearing a tuxedo in a chair beside Alex's bed with his head in his hands was a worse one.
"Shit!" Alex was upright in a second with his pulse spiking to tachycardic levels. "Did I oversleep? Dude, I'm so sorry. Izzie freaking drugged me, I swear to God. She's insane, someone needs to report her to the medical board."
Izzie must have been somewhere nearby, because Alex heard an offended, "Hey!"
"No, Alex, you didn't oversleep," Burke said quietly, cutting off Alex's rambled apologies. "Rather, you did, but you didn't miss the wedding."
Somehow, Alex's heart rate only jumped higher. Burke didn't exactly look happy and Alex wasn't an idiot, Yang never wanted to get married in the first place.
"Yang left you at the altar?" Alex guessed. God, what a bitch. She couldn't have decided to do that before the guy was all dressed up?
"You've guessed what I should have known from the start," Burke sighed. "Cristina had no desire to be a wife, I would have known had I truly knew her as much as I should."
"You can't sweat that," Alex told him. He kind of figured it wasn't too soon to start shit talking, not when Burke opened his hand and Alex saw Yang's engagement ring in his palm.
"Yang has no heart, she's like a freaking robot," Alex said. "I think that's why she's so hardcore for cardio, you know? She's trying to understand what she's missing."
It was nothing but the truth, but it helped when it made Burke chuckle just a little. Burke probably could use more of that, not that Alex was the guy to get someone through a sucky breakup.
"Why don't we go get a drink?" Alex offered. Alex still had on his suit, it was wrinkled as hell though, but he could wear it to Joe's. "We'll have Iz call Denny and we can go talk a lot of shit about chicks."
The sad looking smile on Burke's face slipped and he cleared his throat and tightened a fist around Yang's ring.
"Alex, Cristina left an hour ago on what was meant to be our honeymoon," Burke said. Alex was ready to call her a bitch again, but Burke held a hand up. "Meredith went with her."
That… no. That didn't make sense. Alex heard Burke talk about the honeymoon with Yang, it was a three-week trip - he was going to make it a month, but Yang wanted to get back a week before their residencies started.
"What?" Alex's face scrunched up in some confusion and some irritation. They had plans, plans that didn't include Meredith flying to Bali with Yang.
"I was given a message to pass along to you," Burke said. He cleared his throat and looked away from Alex. "I'm sorry."
Why was he… oh.
That was the message.
Meredith told Burke to tell Alex she was sorry before she fucked off on a plane with Yang.
Alex's brain tried to fight it off, he tried to think of a different way to interpret that. Meredith could have been sorry she didn't have time to tell Alex she was leaving herself, she could be sorry that Yang needed her.
It wasn't real, Alex knew medically it wasn't possible, but the whole time Alex's brain tried to think of a half-assed excuse, his chest ached like there was a fissure going down the center of it.
Because ‘tell Alex I'm sorry' only had so many interpretations and it wasn't the first time Alex heard those words.
‘Tell Alex I'm sorry' sounded a lot like all of Alex's plans, the whole future he started to really see in his grasp, had ended.
‘Tell Alex I'm sorry' sounded a lot like Meredith decided that they were over.
‘Tell Alex I'm sorry' sounded like the end.
The end of their relationship, the end of the plans they had, the end of the future.
The End of Part One