Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Helpless rage flooded Jey’s chest. He didn’t say anything, couldn’t do anything. He felt alone even as Roman gifted him a gentle tousle of his curls, a mocking mirror of Heyman’s touch. It felt as if Roman’s snake of an advisor had left a layer of grease on his head, and he didn’t know if a shower would take it off. For now, he didn’t have to worry about that. The only thing that mattered was following Roman’s command. Being good for Roman.

“Such a good boy.”

Jey felt like he could cry. He couldn’t remember the last time Roman had been so warm to him. He looked up at him from his kneeling position on the ground with wide eyes. Following the empty release of his ruined orgasm, his wounds from the previous night had made themselves known. His ass ached, knees throbbed. But if Roman kept telling him such sweet things, touching him so tenderly, he could get through anything.

“I thought you’d be more upset after that conversation.” Roman stood from the couch with a final pat on Jey’s head. Jey leaned forward hungrily, nearly falling on his face when Roman stepped away. Roman didn’t try to catch him.

“Wh-“ Jey couldn’t think of anything to say. Why was Roman concerned about him being upset? What had he missed while tuning out his and Heyman’s discussion? “I –“

Roman watched him stutter for a moment, seemingly enjoying his confusion, judging from the dark grin spreading into a wide smile.

“I’ve never shared you before.” The smile left his face as suddenly as if it had never existed. Roman’s eyes were suddenly cold, black pits devoid of mercy or compassion.

“But if you’re gonna be fucking other men, I might as well get some benefit out of it.”

Jey’s stomach dropped.

“Ro- what? I don’t, I haven’t _”

Roman’s hand collided with Jey’s face with enough force to knock him off his knees and to the floor. He curled into himself, breathing past the white dots that had sprung over his vision.

“Don’t lie to me, Jey!” Roman punctuated his name with a kick to the gut. “I gave you the chance to tell me the truth. But those ain’t your sweats, are they? Don’t look like no housekeeper’s, neither!”

Roman was still kicking Jey, but Jey wasn’t present. He was falling. He could dimly sense his arms covering his face, trying to protect himself. He didn’t deserve protection. With great effort, Jey uncurled from his defensive position. He was crying but didn’t know when he’d started. Roman was back on the couch, staring at Jey over templed fingers.

“So, who was it?” Jey shook his head numbly, not understanding the question.

“I know you’re only a stupid slut, Jey, but even you should be able to remember who you forced to tolerate your disgusting body just a few hours ago. Who was it that you whored yourself out to last night?”

Jey panicked, his mind empty. He couldn’t tell Roman about Sami helping him last night. They hadn’t done anything, but Roman wouldn’t care. He would kill Sami. He was probably going to kill Jey. But that didn’t matter. If death was what Roman wanted to give him, he would take it gladly. But not Sami. Sami was good. Sami deserved better.

“It wasn’t nothing, Roman. I promise.”

Roman’s face contorted with fury for a brief moment before resuming its impassive blankness that was somehow more terrifying.

“I was gonna give you another chance. If you would have been a man and told me the truth. But I should have known better. You’re not a man, just a pathetic little whore panting for a cock. Anyone’s cock. Well, I have one for you. Get up. Get dressed. You’re gonna play with Heyman for the weekend. I know you’ll be good, won’t you?  Maybe you could even get something out of it, hmm? A title shot? No way in hell you’d get one based off performance or skill.”

Jey’s entire body was pulsing. His head and heart were beating an irregular rhythm, and his skin was hot and tight. The discordant melody his body was screaming in chorus came out in the one word Jey never told Roman in this context, no matter what he asked of him or how he hurt him. He had refused him in his actions, gone against his commands. But he hadn’t dared to say it outright. Not like this.

“No.”

“No?” Roman repeated the word as a question, genuine shock evident in his unguarded expression. “No.” He repeated it again, lingering on the single syllable as if feeling it on his tongue and lips. He crouched down before Jey, who was still lying on his side, breaths quick and shallow. Roman’s voice was quiet, deadly when he spoke next.

“I’m gonna give you one chance to take that back, Jey. Your last chance. Tell me, are you going to be a good slut for my Wiseman?” 

Jey was shaking. He felt like someone else was controlling his body, moving his mouth to speak for him. He wished he could have at least said goodbye to his brothers before he died.

“No, Roman.” His voice sounded alien. He closed his eyes, waiting to feel the grip of hands around his throat, waiting for the merciful blackness of unconsciousness. It didn’t come. Nothing came. Jey opened his eyes slightly to see that Roman had left his field of vision. He sat up. Roman was pacing purposefully through the room, gathering items and throwing them into Jey’s suitcase, most of the previous contents of which were now on the floor. 

“Roman…” Jey’s voice was scratchy and hoarse, barely discernible.

Roman didn’t even turn to look at him. Jey realized what he was taking. The various shirts, items, and books that Jey had taken from Roman or Roman had given him. Things that made Jey feel connected to his cousin. He stopped by where he had partially dumped the suitcase and pulled a photo from the pile. It was one of Jey, Jimmy, and Roman from when they were teenagers. He snatched it up and threw it back in the bag. Then, he turned away and strode to the door.

“Roman, Joe, where are you going?” Jey scrambled to his feet in a panic. He had thought he was going to die. This was so much worse. Roman was almost to the door. Jey threw himself in front of it, barring Roman from leaving with his body. Roman said nothing, just attempted to push Jey aside. But Jey wasn’t letting himself be pushed. Not right now, when Roman, the only person who truly knew yet still loved him, who had molded him into who he was today, was leaving.

“Please, Ro, please, please talk to me. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” Jey was crying again, salty tears falling into his mouth as he babbled.

“Get out of my way.” Roman shoved him again, harder, and Jey gasped as the air was pushed from his lungs but held steady.

The words were out of his mouth before he could think.

“I’ll do it. I’ll do it, Roman, please. Don’t go, please.”

He dropped to his knees, prostrating himself before Roman like a penitent at the end of their pilgrimage. Roman, as uncaring as any God, stepped over him, kicking him aside. Before he left, he cast one last glance at Jey.

“I don’t have any use for a weak, desperate bitch who can’t even follow orders.”

Chapter Text

Sami wiped his face with a scratchy hotel towel as he walked back up to his room from the gym. Luckily, the hotel had a well-equipped one, so he hadn’t had to drive to one of the gyms in town as he sometimes did. He was glad for it, too. He hadn’t been booked for this weekend’s house shows, and since he didn’t have to go out, he wasn’t planning on it.   He didn’t want to run into a fan and have to put on the mask of lightness and joviality. He felt anything but. The scowl he could feel on his face was surely enough to ward off any autograph seekers he might run into either way.

Sami didn’t know what to do. Jey was a grown man. He could make his own decisions, and if he wanted to be with someone who was going to hurt him and leave him for dead, that was his choice. Sami couldn’t change it. And then there was Roman. He felt his heart rate quicken just at the thought of the man and took some deep, calming breaths. They didn’t help much.

Roman had influence in the company. More than Sami. If Sami went after Roman, he could rough him up, sure. But then what? Sami is fired, and Jey is still in the monster’s claws. But this time, without anyone who knew, without anyone who could keep an eye on him and protect him. Or did someone know? Sami abandoned that train of thought quickly. If Jimmy knew what was happening, either Jimmy or Roman would be dead right now. And Sami didn’t think there was anyone else Jey would speak to about this. He would want to protect Solo from the knowledge or would be too ashamed to share it with him.

So that just left Sami. What could he do? How could he protect someone who didn’t want his protection? Sami blinked when he arrived at this room. For a second, he thought his mind had conjured up the image of Jey, shirtless and red-eyed, outside his room because he had been thinking so intensely about him.

“Hey, uce.” Jey kept his eyes trained on the ground. He was really there. Sami suddenly felt lost.

“Hey… um, wanna come in?” Sami realized he had been standing in the hallway, gawping at Jey for at least a minute.

Jey looked down the hallway as if considering his options. Sami wondered why the other man was here, waiting outside his door if he didn’t want to come in and talk, but he maintained his silence, waiting for Jey to make his choice.

“Yeah,” Jey finally settled on. “Yeah, I do.”

Jey said nothing as Sami swiped his key card, opened the door, and gestured for Jey to enter first, which he did warily. He said nothing as Sami closed the door behind him, tossing the towel into a basket beside the bed. He had been hoping to shower when he returned to his room, but that would obviously have to wait.

Sami felt uneasy. It’s not like he’d never been alone with Jey before. They had plenty of memories made together from Sami’s time with the Bloodline. But this felt different. It felt like something was at stake here, but Sami didn’t know what. Their friendship was a thing of the past. Maybe it was Jey’s sanity that hung in the balance. He looked fragile, like if Sami said a single word wrong, he would fall apart.

Sami bustled around the room, making coffee and adjusting the bun he had tied his hair up in for the gym. Very purposefully ignoring the man currently sitting on the couch, eyes empty and distant. Finally, Sami realized Jey wasn’t going to speak first, and this was up to him. He wondered what Kevin would say, but his nagging voice didn’t pipe up with any helpful advice. Sami was on his own here.

“So… what’s up?” Sami cringed inwardly as he sat on the bed to face Jey. What’s up? That’s the best he could do? It didn’t matter anyway. Jey didn’t seem to have heard him. His gaze was still fixed on the ground, seemingly staring at nothing.

“Jey,” Sami started cautiously, “it’s not that I’m not happy to see you. But what happened? Why are you here?”

Jey looked up, startled, as if he had forgotten Sami was there. He stood abruptly.

“You right; Imma go. I shouldn’t be here.” He started walking to the door, and Sami felt the same feeling of helpless dread that had consumed him when he was forced to leave Jey alone this morning. He couldn’t live with himself if he let Jey leave like this. He came to Sami for help, or advice, or something, and Sami was fucking it up.

“Wait!” Jey paused, looking back at Sami, expression unreadable.

“Don’t go. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just trying to understand what happened. This morning, you were throwing me out of your room; now, you were here waiting for me outside of mine.” Jey made toward the door again.

Sami stood and walked over rapidly, hand on the doorknob.

“Whatcha gonna do? Lock me up in here? Not let me go?”

“No,” Sami removed his hand from the doorknob and rubbed his temples. “Just… talk to me, Jey. Please. Is this… is this about Roman?”

Jey’s entire body went stiff at the mention of the Tribal Chief’s name. He leaned against the wall heavily. “He don’t want me no more, Sami.” Saying the words out loud seemed to break something in Jey. His eyes widened as if he was coming to a realization, and then he collapsed entirely to the floor, choked sobs forcefully exiting his sealed mouth.              

Sami had never seen Jey like this, and it scared him almost as much as seeing him near comatose last night. He slowly, gently lowered himself to the ground beside Jey and, after a moment of hesitation, pulled him close. Jey resisted briefly before closing his eyes and letting Sami wrap him in a tight embrace. Same said nothing, unsure of where to begin. He knew Jey was falling apart, and he hoped he could hold him together.

“He… He said I belonged to him, and he promised. Promised he wouldn’t abandon me. And then he just left.” Jey shuddered at the last word, burrowing his head into Sami’s shoulder. “It was my fault. I told him no. And when he left, I didn’t know where to go, so I came here.” The room was quiet for a moment apart from Jey’s wracked sobs. When Sami realized he wasn’t going to say anything more, he carefully spoke up.

“You’re allowed to say no, Jey.”

“You don’t understand!” There was frustration in Jey’s voice, and it was almost reassuring for Sami. He was glad to hear anything besides hollowness.

“What don’t I understand?” Sami was also growing frustrated, but not at Jey. He was frustrated with the whole situation. No, scratch that. He was furious. He wanted to rend Roman, to hurt him in the ways he had hurt this shaking, sobbing, beautiful man before him. But hurting Roman wouldn’t help Jey. Jey didn’t respond, but he also hadn’t pulled away from Sami. “Explain it to me, Jey. I want to understand. I want to help you.” Sami couldn’t remember when he had begun stroking Jey’s hair.

“I don’t say no to Roman. I – I love Roman.” Now Jey pulled back, scanning Sami’s face defiantly, searching for judgment. When he didn’t see any, he continued, “but he asked for me to – to.” Jey couldn’t seem to force himself to verbalize whatever demeaning, degrading, terrible thing Roman had asked of him. “To do somethin’ I couldn’t do. So. I said no.” Jey hunched over miserably, hugging his knees to his bare chest.

“And he made you leave?” Sami was making every effort to keep his voice soothing and level.

“No. He left. After he promised.” Jey’s face crumpled again, and he hid his head in his arms. He couldn’t hide the shaking of his shoulders, however.  

Sami was thinking. He wasn’t someone who shied away from feelings. But he was at a loss. On one hand, knowing that Roman would no longer be hurting Jey was a relief. But on the other, he could visibly see before him how devastating Roman’s abandonment was on the man who he hadn’t been able to keep off his mind for months. And now he was sobbing before him, seeking something from him, and Sami didn’t know how to offer him what he needed or even what it was.  

Jey’s stomach suddenly rumbled, a loud growl that filled the small room. Sami almost laughed but was able to hold himself together. “Let’s get something to eat, ok?”

“Kay.” Jey nodded numbly. Sami looked around the room, happy to have something he could do. He didn’t have food in his room. That was going to be a problem. They could go out, but then they risked running into Roman. It would have to be room service. Sami placed the same order for Jey and himself. As an afterthought, he added a dessert sampler. He knew Jey enjoyed sweets, and he was willing to pay anything, to do anything, to help Jey feel even a small bit better.

Sami felt anxious. Now that they were waiting for the food to arrive, he was again without a task to keep him busy and help him feel like he was doing something for Jey. “Do you need some clothes?” He gestured widely at Jey, who mysteriously blushed.

“Yeah. Thanks, man.” Sami was unsure of the source of Jey’s embarrassment until Jey stood up, and Sami could see the dark stain on the crotch of his sweats. Sami’s sweats. Sami felt his cock twitch and had never hated himself more. Jey had come here after being abused, who knows for how long and how many times, and Sami was getting turned on by the thought of him cumming. Maybe Jey was no better here with him than with Roman.

“Let me get something.” Sami turned around before the bulge in his pants betrayed him. By the time he had pulled sweatpants, underwear, and shirt from his travel case, he was back in control of himself. “The bathroom is that way.”  Sami gestured as if Jey wasn’t staying in a room identical to his own and didn’t know exactly where the bathroom was. Not only that, but it’s not like they hadn’t seen each other naked before. Now, it was Sami who was blushing. He turned away, feeling like an awkward teenager.

Jey said nothing, just walked to the bathroom. Sami heard the water running. Jey was in the bathroom long enough for Sami to get worried. The food came, and he left the hotbox closed, wanting Jey’s food to be warm when he came out. He breathed a sigh of relief when Jey emerged, toweling his hair dry and swathed in Sami’s clothes. They were slightly baggy, and Sami found himself having difficulty breathing. This was only compounded when Jey drew close, and Sami could smell him over the meal waiting in the cart. Jey had used Sami’s shampoo and body wash. Jey was wearing Sami’s clothes. Jey was in Sami’s room. Jey bent over, fiddling with the door of the cart.

Sami took a step back. “Food’s here.” Obviously. Idiot. Jey seemed slightly more himself. His eyes were still hollow, and he still held his arms around his chest as if he were trying to keep from falling apart. However, he managed a small smile.

“I can see that, uce.” They both ate slowly at the small round table in the room, making small talk, skirting around what had happened last night and what had brought Jey here today. The evening grew later. Jey had demolished the sampler, only leaving one tart for Sami, which he had eaten with an exaggerated exasperated sigh. Sami had missed this. He had missed just talking with Jey, being near him, seeing his eyes light up, his expressive mouth. He forced himself not to think what those lips would feel like on his own or wrapped around his dick.

Jey became fidgety as evening turned into night. He kept an eye on his phone and jumped at every sound outside the room. Sami didn’t see the point in beating around the bush. It’s not like Jey wasn’t thinking about Roman.

“Are you waiting on a message from Roman?” Jey’s expression turned stormy.

“What if I am?”

Sami shrugged. “That’s your business. But I know what I saw last night.”

Jey leaned back in his seat, arms crossed. It was the first time this evening Sami had brought up how he had found Jey.

“You wasn’t even supposed to be there. Actually.” Jey sat upright. “This is your fault! Roman left because of you.” Jey’s expression looked glazed and far away, as if he was looking at something only visible to him. “He saw your sweats. That’s why he left. It wasn’t me. He wouldn’t have given me to Heyman if it wasn’t for you. I would be with him right now if it wasn’t for you. You’re the one who fucked shit up, just like always!”

Sami worked to quiet the ache from old wounds that Jey’s words had ripped open. This wasn’t about him; this was about Jey. And he was stuck on something Jey had said.

“Given you to Heyman?”

Jey paled and then reddened in quick succession. He looked down at the table in stony silence.

“Jey.” Sami’s voice cracked. He took a breath. Drank a cooling sip of water. Then tried again. “Jey. You aren’t an object. You can’t be given away. You can’t be beaten and abused and then just thrown away.”

“But that ain’t true.” Jey looked up. There were no tears in his eyes, but the emptiness was somehow worse. “Cuz that’s what just happened. And you can’t understand. I wouldn’t be here without Roman.”

Sami wanted to take Jey into his arms and kiss him. He wanted to whisper everything he loved about him into his ears until Jey believed it. He wanted to make him forget this twisted version of himself that he saw. Instead, he leaned forward. “So what are you going to do now?”

Jey shook his head.

“Why did you come here?” Sami asked the question again, hoping that Jey wouldn’t try to storm out like the first time.

“Sami…” Sami’s heart jumped to hear his name fall from Jey’s lips, no matter how many times it happened. “You’re the only person I could talk to. No one else knows. And I know we ain’t on the best terms, but you was in my corner more times than you was coming at me across the ring. And- I trust you.” Jey gazed steadily at Sami, and it was Sami who looked away.

Sami’s mouth was dry, his heart thumping in his chest. “I trust you, too.” Sami didn’t know why, but it felt like a confession from both of them. Jey continued.

“And I don’t know what I’m gonna do. But I didn’t want to be alone.” Jey looked lost, staring at his empty hands.

“Well, you can stay here as long as you need.” Sami stood up. “That,”  he pointed at the couch with his head, “is a pull-out. You can sleep there. I know you usually travel with your family, but you can come with me if you want.” Sami could already hear the fit Kevin would pitch when he let him know they would have a traveling companion, especially once he revealed who that companion was. “I can go with you to your room tomorrow to get your things unless you want to go tonight.”

Jey was shaking his head slowly. “I can’t stay here, man.” He thumped his elbows on the table and rested his head on his upturned palms.

“Why not?” Sami asked cooly.

“Roman.” Jey barely whispered the name as if saying it louder would unleash some sort of curse.

“You said he left. You think he’s coming back?”

Jey winced. “I hope he’s coming back.” The words seemed to hurt him as he said them, and Sami’s chest panged. “And I wanna be there if he is.”

“Jey!” Sami’s anger came out in his voice. He took it down a level. “If I wouldn’t have walked by your room last night, and Roman didn’t come back for you until this morning, which is what he fucking did, may I remind you, you would be dead right now! He tried to kill you, Jey, don’t you get it?” The urge to kiss Jey had turned to an urge to shake him, to slap him and evoke those beautiful tears once again. He was sick. Jey definitely deserved better. But that wasn’t Roman.

“I’d rather be dead than without him.” Jey was back in defense mode, eyes hard, jaw set.

“Jey…” Sami was stunned into silence for a moment. “You mean that, don’t you?”

Jey nodded wordlessly.

“You don’t need him, Jey! Look at what you’ve accomplished! You didn’t need him for that.”

“I did. And there’s more to life than work, even though that’s probably hard for you to believe.”

“So what does he give you outside of wrestling? Tell me, Jey, please.” Sami could hear the desperation in his voice, but he didn’t care. He hoped Jey could understand how desperately he wanted to be there for him and help him.

Jey shook his head. “You wouldn’t understand. No one would.”

“Try me.”

Jey shook his head again. “I’m gonna go, Sami. Thanks for dinner. I got you next time.”

“No… or, fine. Pay me back now. Stay here. Just tonight. Please. I can go if you want, I’ll stay with Kevin. But stay in this room, just for tonight.” The edge of desperation in Sami’s voice grew with each word. He watched Jey, whose furrowed brow and tight lips displayed his intense concentration.

“Ok.” Jey finally responded, and Sami was able to breathe again. Jey seemed small, and Sami felt the desire to protect him so fiercely that it was a physical weight on his chest.  Sami stood up, needing to move, and gathered his toothbrush and toothpaste from the bathroom sink. He grabbed his orthopedic pillow.

“Where is you going?” Jey spoke up as Sami went over a mental checklist of all the things he needed to sleep to avoid having to think about what he was going to tell Kevin.

“To Kevin’s room?” His statement came out sounding more like a question.

“You can stay here. I mean, I don’t wanna kick you out of your own room, you feel me?”

“If you’re ok with that…” Sami trailed off. He was happy to stay in the room with Jey. More than happy. But he had also been hoping to blow off some steam with Kevin. They weren’t dating. They had tried that once, with disastrous results. So now, they were friends with benefits and very comfortable with that arrangement. And Sami needed to work off the arousal that had been thrumming through his veins since he had seen Jey outside his door.

“Is that fine with you?” Jey looked at him through his long lashes, and Sami felt his desire for the broken man before him like an all-consuming thirst. He wanted to put him back together if he would let him.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t have asked you to stay if it wasn’t.”

“You don’t have to be a dick.” Jey’s mouth twisted into something almost resembling a smile.

“Says the freeloader.” Jey’s face fell, and Sami cursed himself for the poorly timed joke, quickly changing the subject. “Well, I’m going to take a shower.” Sami felt sticky, the sweat from his workout long-since dried.

Sami grabbed a random assortment of clothing and got in the shower, turning the water to cold, hoping it would calm his raging libido. It did, but it also reminded him of seeing Jey more dead than alive, lashed to the shower faucet, and waiting for Roman to come back for him. With a groan, he turned the water up to a comfortable temperature and leaned against the wall with one hand.

He bit down on the knuckle of the supporting hand as he began to stroke himself with the other, picturing Jey in the room outside. He imagined him laid out on the pullout, stomach poking out as it did from his cutoff tees that always drove Sami wild. He imagined turning him over, tracing the tattoos on his back that tapered to a point, leading him to his prize. He imagined pushing him down into the shitty hotel pullout bed and plunging into him, hearing him let out those little gasps and moans he had heard last night. With a low, muffled cry, Sami came, panting and full of shame.

Chapter Text

Jey had been asleep by the time Sami left the bathroom, so he had simply turned off the lights and tried to sleep as well, admonishing himself the whole time. What the fuck was wrong with him? Jey had been through so much, and instead of trying to comfort him and be there for him like a normal fucking person, he had jerked off to a fantasy of him in the shower.

Sami woke up first the following day and decided that he was capable of going out. He dressed as quietly as he could, then left the spare key card on the table they had eaten at the previous morning. He shot Jey a quick text message so he knew where Sami had gone, then left the room with only one backward glance at Jey’s sleeping form huddled under the blankets.

He stretched in the hallway. He was still reeling from the events of yesterday. He wondered what he would see if he went upstairs to where the Bloodline’s rooms were. Was Roman looking for Jey? Or had he been sincere in leaving him? As much as he hoped for the latter, he couldn’t make himself believe it. Jey was… perfect. It would take an idiot not to see that, and for all the negative attributes Sami could pin on the tribal chief, stupidity was not one of them. He knew this was likely some new form of torture Roman had devised, and it worked well. He shivered, remembering the sincerity behind Jey’s saying he’d rather be dead than live without Roman, and decided he’d better hurry on his breakfast run.

He turned the corner, running into person number 2 on his list of people-he-really-didn’t-want-to-see-right-now. Kevin. He put his head down, hoping his friend wouldn’t notice him. It was futile, of course.

“Good morning to you, too.”

“Yeah, morning.” Sami stretched, putting on a show of exhaustion even though he was wide awake.

“What’s going on?” Ever sharp. People didn’t give Kevin enough credit for his perception, Sami included. It was part of what had made him a star from the indies to the current day.

“Nothing.”

“Hmm.” Sami prayed he would return to his room, but he stayed in place, eyes boring into him.

“Gotta get-“

“I heard Roman was pissed yesterday.” Kevin cut him off, tone conversational. “Something about Jey. Sounded like something more than what happened Friday. You wouldn’t happen to know about that, would you?”

“I thought you didn’t want to talk about Jey.”

“Not particularly. But it’s interesting how something’s up with Jey, and I don’t see you for a whole day. Really interesting.”

“I was tired, Kev. Trying to catch up on sleep.”

“Yeah. Sure. Sami, just be careful.”

Sami looked at Kevin gratefully, thankful he had the uncharacteristic self-restraint not to inquire further. “I will.”

Sami successfully retrieved a couple of bagel sandwiches and two large coffees without running into fans or Roman and retreated to the hotel. Jey hadn’t responded to his text. His heart was pounding when he arrived at the door. He hoped Jey would be there but feared he wouldn’t. Why would he stay, anyway? He came because he wanted someone to talk to, and they had talked. There was no reason for him not to leave. After all, Sami had only asked for the night. He opened the door, fully expecting to be greeted with an empty room. He was unprepared for the rush of relief that met him when he was instead met with Jey, lacing on a pair of running shoes.

“Morning, Sami.” Jey flashed him a grin, and Sami’s heart began an acrobatics routine.

“Morning.” He returned the smile and then set the food down on the table. “Where’re you headed?’

“Gotta get my workout in. Management don’t care that everything’s falling apart, hafta keep on conditioning.”

“Where did you get the shoes?” If Sami remembered correctly, Jey had been barefoot when he arrived yesterday, and they weren’t Sami’s shoes.

Jey rubbed his chin. “I, um… got them from my room this morning.”

Sami considered this for a while. His first reaction was anger and fear that Jey put himself in danger by going near Roman. His next was the realization that this meant Jey had gone to his own room and then chosen to come back to Sami’s. Warmth displaced the prickly anger from his body.

“Yeah.” Jey filled the silence left by Sami’s rumination. “Wanted to check on Jimmy and Solo. Roman hasn’t… hurt them like he hurts me, but I had to be sure they were ok.”

“I see. Can you at least eat breakfast first? I braved the crowds to get it for you.” Sami waved the sack under Jey’s nose, and he laughed.

“If I puke on my run, you washing my clothes, you hear me?”

“Deal.” They ate together in comfortable silence, and then both left the room, each going to finish their respective routines. Jey enjoyed running through the city, seeing the sights in each new place they landed in. With a hoodie and face mask on, he was rarely recognized. Sami preferred starting with strength training. He found himself distracted and worried. He didn’t think Roman would try anything in broad daylight with witnesses, but he also hadn’t thought he would try to kill Jey. Or that he would try and pimp Jey out to Paul Heyman.

Sami felt uneasy all throughout the day, even though it was fairly uneventful. He still hadn’t brought up Jey joining them on their travels with Kevin. He was even more reluctant now that he had denied involvement with Jey just this morning. He wondered if it would be easier to rent his own vehicle but knew that would just lead to more questions. He might as well face this head-on. After a quick shower and a thumbs-up emoji text message from Jey in response to Sami’s question about how he was doing, Sami walked to Kevin’s door and knocked. No response. Either he was ignoring him, or he was elsewhere in the hotel.

Sami sent him a text asking where he was, which Kevin responded to with a one-word reply: stationnement. Sami began his walk to the parkade, surreptitiously glancing down hallways before he entered them. He realized the futility of these actions when he reached the parkade and saw that Kevin wasn’t alone.

Kevin was standing casually, one hand in his pocket, which starkly contrasted the stance of the man he was speaking to. Roman looked rigid, back straight, arms at his side, fists clenched. Sami wondered if it was too late for him to go back into the hotel. He didn’t know if he could see Roman in person and not try to rip him apart. Before he could make up his mind, Kevin spotted him and waved him over. Too late now. Sami walked over to where the two men were speaking, feeling the rage that had been bubbling since he found Jey barely clinging to life start to boil over. Before he could even greet Kevin, Roman spoke.

“I was just telling your friend that I have good reason to believe you have something that belongs to me.”

Sami had thought he was angry before. He really had. “Do you want to have this conversation now?” He was seething.

Roman appeared just as angry as Sami, and Kevin as unbothered as ever. “It won’t be much of a conversation. I don’t know what you’re trying to do, but you’re sticking your nose into things that don’t involve you. I’d recommend you stop.”

“Your property,” Sami practically spit the word, “came to me of his own free will. I don’t know what you expect me to do about it.”

Roman scoffed, expression thoughtful. “I thought so. That worthless bitch has you convinced he’s a little angel, doesn’t he? He probably batted those pretty little eyes before he bent over for you, and you fell head over heels. I have a present for you.” Roman reached into the satchel he had slung over his shoulder and pulled out a small, leatherbound, black notebook. He tossed it to Sami, who caught it easily.

“Take a look at that. Get an idea of what your angel actually is.” With that, Roman turned on his heel and marched away, suddenly seeming looser.

“So you were just getting some sleep yesterday, yeah?”

Chapter Text

Sami had given in to Kevin’s questions easily. He desperately needed help approaching this issue that had appeared shirtless and teary-eyed at his door. After catching Kevin up on the basics while protecting Jey’s privacy in every way possible, he felt lighter. And Kevin had been supportive, telling Sami he had his back and would help him with Jey however he could. He had also stated that this was between Sami and Jey, and he didn’t want to be overinvolved. Just knowing there was someone else who knew whom he could reach out to for venting and advice was a giant weight off Sami’s shoulders. Now, there was another.

Sami glared at the notebook that lay closed on the desk before him. What could possibly be in here that Roman would think would change how Sami viewed Jey? He knew the right thing to do would be to give it to Jey. But his curiosity was eating him alive. He had spent enough time as a member of the Bloodline for Roman to know him, to know that he couldn’t resist opening this book and reading its contents. However, he knew this would be a betrayal of what little trust Jey still had in him, which he had displayed by coming to Sami for aid. Sami slid the notebook into his carry-on bag, hiding it underneath the spare set of clothing and travel-sized toiletries.

He left it there when Jey returned later that evening and when they said their goodbyes at the airport before flying home for a few days of rest before reuniting at the next stop of their grueling schedule.  It was a simple, nondescript notebook, but Sami felt like he was smuggling contraband. Every time a stranger’s glance lingered on him a little too long, it was as if they knew what he was hiding and were silently condemning him.

The following several days were some of the most agonizing Sami had experienced, which was saying a lot. Jey didn’t answer his calls or texts, but there was nothing he could do to change that. Jey had come to Sami when he didn’t know where else to go, but apparently, that didn’t mean that he felt any obligation to assuage the creeping sensation of dread flooding Sami more intensely by the minute. He could just pray that he would see him when he arrived in Des Moines Thursday night. Even if they never spoke again, he just needed to know Jey was at least alive.

.

Jey wondered if he’d even once in his life made his own choice. His career had been decided for him from the first ultrasound showing him and his brother curled blind and silent in the womb, with no consideration of his own dreams and aspirations. His every move from birth had been watched and directed by his father, by the elders. By Roman. As he allowed his limp body to be shoved forward and violated on the high-quality sheets of Paul Heyman’s king-sized bed and heard the sound of the man’s guttural grunts and moans, he knew this wasn’t a choice he had made.

.

Jey was in the hotel. Sami knew from the itinerary as well as the one-word affirmative response he had finally granted him in a text response to Sami inquiring if he had arrived. Sami knew he should be carrying out his typical post-travel warmups, getting himself loose and ready for the three upcoming shows in hopes of avoiding injury. However, instead, he was outside Jey’s door. He hesitated, unsure of what he should do. However, the decision was made for him.

“What is you doing here?”

Sami turned. There were dark circles under Jey’s eyes and light, barely discernible bruises around his neck. Jey tracked his gaze and tugged up the collar of his shirt self-consciously.

“You gonna say something? I have things to do. Get out my way if you just gonna stand there and waste my time.”

Sami held his ground. “I wanted to make sure you were ok. You weren’t answering my texts or calls.”

“Do I have to? You my daddy, checking up on me?”

“No, you don’t have to. I just thought…”

“You just thought. You just thought. Well, you don’t have to think about me no more.”  With that, Jey pushed past Sami, letting himself into the room and shutting the door behind him.  Sami stared at the closed door for a few seconds. At least he knew Jey was well enough to walk.

The following day, Sami watched on a backstage screen as Jey made his way to the ring to confront Solo and Heyman. The crowd cheered, but behind the typical swagger in Jey’s confident entrance, Sami could see the fear in his eyes. He could see Jey’s anxiety in the way he paced the ring. Sami didn’t miss the way Jey couldn’t maintain eye contact with Heyman as the other man spoke his usual poisonous words or the flash of fear when the man laid his hands on his younger brother,  and he ached for Jey. He wished he could be there with him.

“Just talk to him.”

“What?” Sami turned to his friend. Kevin looked like he was at his wit’s end. “Go talk to Jey. I can tell you’re gonna be mopey and moody until you do. Go get it out of the way so we can focus.”

Sami contemplated Kevin’s statement. If he spoke to Jey, it would be in front of the never-blinking lenses that covered every inch of the venue. He would have to choose his words carefully, but maybe the watchful cameras would be enough to make Jey stop and listen.

                  .

Jey was pacing, his head pounding. He wanted the belt. He deserved the chance to prove himself. He had earned it, no matter what anyone had to say about how he got this match. He had been working, battling, for years, and now, an opportunity to receive recognition in his own right was before him. He knew he could beat Theory and prove his worth to Roman. He had done what his Chief asked of him. Now, he just had one last hurdle before he was back in his favor. But could he abandon Jimmy? Jimmy had made his choice, and he should have to live with the consequences. He remembered the many times his twin had sacrificed for Jey. 

His thoughts were interrupted by the sight of a shock of unruly red hair. He glanced around. It was too late to walk away or pretend he hadn’t seen him. The cameras had already picked up on their encounter.

Jey hurt. He was used to the constant ache in his joints and the way his back seemed to take longer and longer to warm up in the morning with each day that passed. It was expected following a youth and young adulthood spent chasing dreams of football stardom before being relegated to being little more than a tackling dummy on a practice squad and, eventually, falling in line with the path that had been decided for him and putting his body through more continuous abuse for the crowd.

But this pain was different. Jey had lost, and it felt like something vital had been torn from him as he limped away from the ring alone. He had failed. He failed himself. He failed his brothers. He had failed Roman. He had let himself be used and defiled by Heyman, and what for? Interference from Pretty fucking Deadly and a kick from his twin. It didn’t matter to Jey if it was intentional or not. The result was the same. He had lost. And he was alone.

Sami was waiting in gorilla, and Jey felt a surge of anger. Couldn’t he take a fucking hint? He had let him talk in front of the cameras, but no one was recording now. He walked past him wordlessly. He was going to get his bag, go back to the hotel, and sleep until tomorrow night’s house show. He didn’t have the time or energy to deal with Sami.

Although… he shook his head. He didn’t need to think of the countless happy memories where Sami played an integral part. He didn’t need to think of his ready smile, the way he could always make Jey laugh no matter what the circumstance. He definitely didn’t need to think of last week and the noises he had heard coming from the bathroom while he pretended to sleep. He just needed to get from today to tomorrow as quickly as possible.

But, of course, Sami was still there, trailing behind him like a lost puppy. They were halfway through the bowels of the arena, nearing the exit to the parking lot, when Jey finally turned. “What the fuck you want, Sami?”

Sami nearly collided with him, unprepared for the abrupt stop. He caught himself and took a step back.

“I know you’re not ok.”

“Woah, who would have guessed? My family is falling apart, I can’t win a match, and I’m probably out of a job if Roman and Heyman got anything to say about it. You a real fucking genius, uce.”

“So what’ve you got to lose, then?” Sami’s tone was light. Jey laughed, disbelieving.

“I’m serious.” Sami had fallen into step beside Jey. “You’ve always made decisions based on other people’s needs and expectations. You want to be there for your family so badly, but look where that’s got you. Look where that’s got them.”

Jey dropped his bag, his frustration boiling over. He grabbed Sami by the front of his shirt, curling his hands into fists around the thin fabric. “Don’t you talk about my family, Sami. Don’t. You ain’t one of us, and you ain’t got the right to tell me what to do.”

Sami raised his hands placatingly. “I’m not telling you what to do. Just giving a suggestion. You’re at rock bottom, so why not try something different? Why don’t you do what feels right for you, for once? Be selfish. See what happens.”

Jey released Sami. “You know a lot about being selfish.” He picked up his bag and continued towards the exit, tamping down the old hurt that had lingered in his chest since the day Sami had betrayed him and walked away.

“Yeah, I do.” Sami didn’t seem upset by the comment. “Things got a hell of a lot better for me when I started thinking for myself. You should try it.”

Jey kept walking. He could feel Sami behind him. He had known the man long enough to know that he wasn’t going to give up. His dogged persistence ranged from endearing to infuriating, and tonight, it was trending toward the latter. But Jey found he didn’t mind Sami tailing him. He didn’t want to be alone.

He had never been alone. Coming from a large family, he always had people around. He felt safest surrounded by conversation, laughter, and the bustle of a full home. It probably contributed to how comfortable he felt before a crowd and how empty he felt when a show was over. Usually, the emptiness was chased away by a warm room full of laughter and drink and smoke with the potential for Jey’s reward when everyone had trickled off to bed, leaving him and Roman alone.

Tonight, the only thing he had to look forward to was an empty room and the full weight of his failure. Sami wanted him to be selfish? Fuck it. Jey could be selfish. They were in the parking garage, and Jey paused by his rental, first retrieving the key and then pulling out one of the two slim white magnetic cards he had stuffed into a front zipper pocket of his bag. He thrust it out towards Sami, who took it automatically.

“You wanna talk so bad? You know where to find me.”  Jey slid into the driver’s side of the luxury vehicle, closing the door before Sami could respond and driving out of the structure and into the humid night. Jey was used to heat, but tonight felt different. It felt like the city air itself was alive, filling his lungs with a tangible sludge that lessened the oxygen he was receiving with each inhale. The streets were still cluttered with vehicles despite the late hour, contributing to the tight wound tension spreading through Jey’s body. He stared at the mountain range framing the skyline and wondered what the city lights would look like from the top.

He wished he could drive off. Money wasn’t an issue. He could disappear and live off his ample savings until he found some dead-end job in some small town where he could live in peace. But even as he thought it, he was driving back to the hotel. He was a coward, but he couldn’t abandon his family. He didn’t know what would happen to them if he wasn’t around. Even if they didn’t want him around, which, judging by how the last few weeks had gone, they might not.

The bone-deep exhaustion that had settled in following his loss had been displaced by a frenetic restlessness that had him half-running through the hotel upon arrival. He kicked off his clothing as he entered his room, leaving them where they fell, and got into the shower before the water had even begun to heat. He was hyper-aware as he bathed and cleaned himself out, listening for the sound of the door to the room opening. He had finished his shower, dried off, dressed, and thrown his dirty clothing into a garment bag before he heard the sound of the door unlocking itself in response to a key card. He smoothed the front of his shirt over his taut stomach, hitched his shorts around his hips, and was seated by the time Sami had entered the room, expression inscrutable.

.

Sami had debated with himself the entire way up to Jey’s room. There had been something unsettling in his tone before he had sped away that made Sami feel like he was walking into an ambush. But his feet took him there as surely as if he’d tread the path a thousand times. His eyes widened when he saw Jey. He had expected him to be devastated after what had just transpired. But he was lounging on the couch, smiling as if it was any other night. And he was wearing… Sami might have audibly gulped, his mouth suddenly dry.

Jey was wearing shorts, but they weren’t the typical loose basketball shorts that he wore when they were exercising. They were practically skin-tight and short, exposing his legs fully and barely covering the curve of his ass. And his t-shirt didn’t look that different from the dozens of other cutoffs that he wore in the ring, except that it wasn’t just any shirt. Sami was looking at his own name stretched over the expanse of Jey’s muscular chest. He really shouldn’t have come here.

Jey sat up, stretching. Sami wondered how long he had been waiting for him. He tried to avoid staring at the skin exposed by the innocent action.

“So what you wanna talk about, Sami?”

“Um…” Sami’s mind was blank. What did he want to talk about? He had come here for a reason, but he was having a markedly difficult time remembering what that was. Jey stood, continuing his languid stretching. “I wanted to check on you.” Pull yourself together. “After everything that happened. I just wanted to make sure…”

“Yeah. I’m fine.” Jey strode towards Sami, who took an involuntary step back. “You could make that fine great, though.” Sami glanced at the door. He wasn’t a genius, but he wasn’t stupid. This wasn’t what Jey needed right now. If he didn’t reel this interaction in expeditiously, he knew it was flying off the tracks.

“So… what are you thinking? It’s been so much so quickly, and what… what are…” Sami was floundering. He knew it and could hear it. “What can I do to help you, Jey? What do you want? I want to help you. You’re not alone in facing all… this.”

.

Jey had expected Sami to protest. But he was the one who had told Jey to be selfish. And what Jey wanted right now was something to quiet the relentless throbbing heat flooding his veins and the aching emptiness in his chest. Even if just for tonight. Besides, the more he had thought of the ways Sami sometimes flushed, pulled away from him, or clung for just a second too long, the more confident he felt that his former friend wanted something more than companionship from him.  He just needed him to realize that Jey wanted the same, and maybe subtlety wasn’t the best tactic to reach this objective.

“I want you to shut up for once in your life and fuck me, Sami.”

Chapter Text

Sami shouldn’t have come. Or, he should have left the second Jey propositioned him. Instead, he had stood still and allowed Jey to approach him and draw him into a desperate, hungry kiss. Sami had often fantasized in great detail about what being physically intimate with Jey would be like. He had imagined his taste, the sounds he would make, what his face would look like in the throes of pleasure.  And now, here he was, buried deep inside him, and he was numb. His body was responding to the sensation, his hips snapping forward, hands roaming over Jey’s ass and thighs. The object of his near-obsession was laid out before him in a way that should be irresistibly erotic, but Sami just felt detached.

It didn’t feel right. But how could he say no? He had the ability to help Jey, to give him something he so desperately needed. How could he ever deny him when what he wanted was something in Sami’s power to give? He leaned forward, folding Jey into himself where he lay face up on the edge of the bed as he captured his lips again. He grasped the side of Jey’s face, turning it to facilitate the kiss in an effort to connect with the man he was currently rutting into. Jey moaned, a surprised, pleasure-filled sound, and Sami paused, pulling back. Was that because of the kiss? Following the crazed frenzy with which Jey had disrobed himself and then Sami, Jey had been nearly silent, gazing at Sami searchingly as if looking for something that was missing.

Sami redoubled his efforts, deepening the kiss, stroking Jey’s stiffening cock, ensuring each thrust was angled in a way that caused Jey’s hands to fist fitfully in the bedsheets. He could give Jey what he needed. He could.

.

The fiery frustration was burning Jey alive. It had been so long since he had been fucked by someone besides Roman, and Sami’s infuriating gentleness, the way he had stretched him open so carefully, the way his eyes looked so concerned, was just stoking the flames of his need, like a glass of water just beyond the reach of a man dying of thirst. But he couldn’t ask for more. He couldn’t tell Sami what it was he really needed. He couldn’t stand him looking at Jey with disgust. He couldn’t stand him leaving. So, instead, he tried to immerse himself in the sensation.

This was what he had wanted for so long, right? This is what he had fantasized about when Roman pushed things too far and hurt him worse than he could handle? But now, he was fantasizing about Roman. He imagined Roman hurting him, trussing him up to the hotel door so he couldn’t draw his hands down to protect himself, and beating him until the sorrow and guilt he felt at seeing his brothers fighting each other and knowing it was his fault was leeched from his body.

Jey gasped when he felt a jolt of pain. Sami had inadvertently squeezed the bruise he could feel forming on his cheek, hot and tender. That was more like it. Jey leaned into his touch, increasing the ache. His cock jumped, but he didn’t touch it. He hadn’t been given permission to. However, Sami’s warm hand was soon on him, and Jey groaned. He slung an arm up, drawing Sami closer so their contact forced his cheek against the sheets. He could make his own pain.

Jey shifted slightly. He knew he had to have other bruises and injuries. None severe enough to slow him down but enough to let their presence be known if he placed the right amount of pressure on them. He moaned when he found one on his left hip, and he pushed himself further onto the bed. Each of Sami’s thrusts drilled his hip down into the bed, and this pain added to the throbbing in his cheek, as well as Sami’s warm hand wrapped around his cock was enough to push him over the edge with a strangled moan.

He knew he should get up, clean up. He should make sure Sami got off. There were a lot of things he should do right now. But he was being selfish. Sami had pulled out, and Jey took the opportunity to push himself up to the pillows, cocoon himself within the scratchy comforter, and plummet immediately to slumber.

.

Sami hadn’t cum. He also knew he wasn’t going to be getting any sleep tonight. Not for the first time, he thought of the contraband notebook now buried in his suitcase. He wondered if it would help him understand what was happening here. He wondered if it would help him help Jey. But he knew it wasn’t right. He should give it back. He should go to his room right now, retrieve the notebook, and give it back to Jey with a thousand apologies. Instead, he sat at the particle board hotel desk and wrote.

Jey wouldn’t listen to him. Sami being around him obviously wasn’t the right decision for either of them. So Sami wrote everything that he wanted Jey to know, everything he had been trying to tell him but hadn’t been able to. He knew he could text it, but this felt more tangible. Like maybe seeing these words in ink would make them stick in Jey’s mind, even if he wasn’t ready to read and believe them yet. Maybe he would internalize Sami’s words at some subconscious level, and they would take root, blossoming outward. He hoped. Sami wrote the note, planted one feather-soft kiss on the top of Jey’s head, and left the room.

Everything seemed to pass in slices of awareness, light, dark, pain, success, loss.

~

Sami watched from backstage as Jey and Jimmy, together, brought the Tribal Chief to his knees. He wondered if Jey’s decision had been impacted by the letter, by Sami’s silent plea to Jey before he went to the ring.

Jey watched from the ring as his Master crumpled before him, broken and weak. If not for the adrenaline coursing through his body, he would have joined him.

~

Jey stood by Jimmy’s side, decrying the abuses and disrespect Roman had subjected them to. Each word felt like a betrayal.

Sami focused on the belts, focused on reeling in an increasingly erratic Kevin. They retained, week after week, match after match, but Sami couldn’t stop himself from staying up late each night, staring at his phone, listening for a knock at the door.

~

Jey watches as his brothers fight each other. He joins in, hurting Roman. Hurting Solo. He hurts. He listens to Roman’s words but doesn’t let them in. He can’t. If he does, he’ll implode. He knows they’re the truth. He knows where his proper place is, and he craves to be on his knees, serving his cousin. Belonging to and loved by the only one who could truly love him.

Sami is in bed with Kevin. He thinks of Jey.

~

Roman is lying underneath Jey, subdued, motionless. The ref counts. One. Two. Three.

~

When Roman had draped the Ula Fala around Jey’s shoulders, he could have felt powerful. He should have felt powerful. But all he felt was sick. And when his leader had shed tears and dropped to his knees before him, he had had to fight down the bile because it was all wrong. He didn’t want any of this. Sami was wrong about him, was wrong in what he wrote in the letter Jey still carried with him, tucked surreptitiously in his wallet. He wasn’t brave. He wasn’t strong. He wasn’t deserving of love or care.

The pain Roman gifted him after, in front of the cacophonous crowd, felt like a blessing. Later, watching Jimmy be wheeled from the arena in a stretcher, feeling his pain as surely as if it was his own, brought him a blessed epiphany. It was something he should have realized years ago when he first fell in line to protect Jimmy and subjected himself to endless humiliation, pain, and unparalleled bliss and belonging. He should have been filled with rage and hate, driven by the desire for revenge against the man who had put his brother there. And the rage was there. But no hatred. There was nothing Roman could do that would make Jey love or need him less.

Later that night, pacing the halls of a hospital, waiting to hear if his brother was going to be ok, Jey took the letter from his wallet and smoothed it against the wall. He read it from beginning to end multiple times, ripped it into shreds, and threw each piece in a different trash can as he walked.

Even though the physical piece of paper was gone, the ghost of the words Sami had written lingered. Jey felt raw and exposed from the moment he woke in the morning to when he fell asleep at night. He never knew when an attack was coming. Solo or Heyman or Roman was never far away, always near and ready to beat him down. The physical attacks weren’t the worst of it. The worst were their words. The truth they spoke to him he could no longer block out. He knew he was unworthy. He knew every good thing he was and had was thanks to Roman.  He knew every bad thing that had happened, was happening, was his fault, and no matter what he did, it would never be enough to absolve him of the pain and destruction he had wrought.

But sometimes, under the spotlights, being attacked from behind, pressing his forehead to Roman’s, pinning his baby brother and feeling as if he was the one pinned like a fetal pig on a dissection slab, his insides spread on the mat around him, Sami’s insidious lies would snake their way into his mind, clashing with the truth spoken.  

He found that the right mixture of Valium, weed, and bourbon was enough to quiet the warring voices and numb him just enough to sleep. And if the cocktail was sometimes heavier on the benzos, hey, he needed rest. With Jimmy out for the count, recovering in a hospital bed, Solo under Roman’s thrall, and Jey’s avoidance of Roman, no one noticed if Jey disappeared at night. He had decimated any bridges in the locker room, and all that mattered to management was that he made it to the venue on time each night and performed.

In the brief moments of clarity while he stumbled through his workout routines and before he could chemically silence his thoughts, Jey sometimes wondered what his goal was. A part of him couldn’t shake the belief that if he were to win at Summerslam, earn the Universal Championship, and, more importantly, the position of Tribal Chief, Roman would soften. He would return to the man Jey first loved before he loved the harsh, cruel man he had become. Stripped of his leadership, he would have no other choice.

Then Jey could have everything back. He could have his family back. He could protect them, cherish them. And they would love him in return. He just needed to prove his value and worth to them first. He had to earn that love, and the first step was a victory over Roman. He beat him once. He could do it again. And then, everything could go back to how it was. Everything could be right again.

Chapter Text

For the first time since he had started this endless, brutal, bloody battle against the people he loved most, Jey didn’t feel like his confidence was an act as he ascended the steps to the ring. He was confident. He just needed to get past this last hurdle, and he knew he could. Then everything he had done, all the choices he had made that had caused himself and his family pain, would be worth it. He could feel it. He could already feel the weight of the belt, the brush of the Ula Fala around his shoulders. He was suddenly struck with a vision, which he saw as clearly as if he was really there.

The ring slipped away. The crowd disappeared. They were home. Their childhood home, but they were all grown up. A place out of time, then. Or the future Jey was fighting for tonight. That he would win for his family. Jimmy was healed. He was teasing Solo about something that Jey couldn’t hear, but Solo’s comeback must have been good because they both burst into laughter. It had been so long since Jey had heard his brothers’ free, unrestrained laughter, and it was a sweeter sound than any music.

It was warm, the smell of gardenia heavy in the air, and sitting beside him, also watching Solo and Jimmy, a fond warmth in his eyes, was Roman. They were sitting together at a foldout table, surrounded by conversation and laughter. Roman slid the toe of his shoe over to press against Jey’s, hidden by the disposable plastic tablecloth. A hand snaked down to squeeze Jey’s thigh, a possessive, comforting pain.  Jey looked into Roman’s eyes. The bell rang. Tribal Combat began.

Jey didn’t know how he had made it back to his room. He didn’t remember driving or getting a ride, but he was here now. He fumbled with the Valium, dropping the bottle. He didn’t need sleep. He hurt. He needed something to ease the pain. Jey reached deeper into his bag of pills. The strong painkillers were like gold, and prescribers were getting tight with them after the generations of stars who had abused them to disastrous ends, so he tried to use them sparingly to ensure he had them when he needed them. Jey upturned the bottle of oxys, not bothering to check how many had fallen into his hand. He washed them down with the first liquor he touched in the hotel minibar.

Sami was driving as fast as he could without getting stopped. He had planned to watch the event from home, comfortably on his couch, but something had told him he should be in town, just in case. He didn’t know why. He hadn’t spoken to Jey in weeks. Jey didn’t want him around, and Sami wasn’t the kind of person Jey needed around, anyway. But after watching what Jimmy did, seeing the raw devastation on Jey’s face through the television screen, he knew he had made the right choice.  He tried calling Jey again, with the same response. Nothing.

Sami cursed himself for booking a room across town. It took him 30 long, excruciating minutes before he screeched to a halt in the parking lot, taking down a barrier as he did so. He cursed but didn’t stop. He jumped from the vehicle, trying to convince himself the terrible dread spreading within him like rot was unwarranted. He was going to find Jey upset, understandably, but otherwise fine. They would have a confrontation made awkward by the fact that the last time they spoke had been directly before they fucked and then went radio silent, and Sami would leave feeling chastised but reassured.

Sami forced himself to walk, not run, through the hotel. He came across a disgruntled-looking Sheamus unlocking the door to his room.

“Hey, uh, do you know where Jey is staying?”

Sheamus didn’t respond, just jerked a thumb backward, pointing at a room across the hall. Sami approached, knocked, and the door creaked open. It hadn’t been shut. A sickening feeling of déjà vu washed over him. He flashed back to weeks ago, to finding Jey close to death. He pushed the door the rest of the way open so he could silence his increasing terror.

Jey was lying on the floor, his back to the door. Sami’s feet felt as if they’d been nailed to the floor. When he was finally able to move, he took two trembling steps before stopping again.

“Jey?” His voice shook. Jey didn’t move. His continued stillness was enough to break Sami out of his momentary paralysis. Sami ran to his side, falling to his knees and rolling Jey onto his back. His eyes were closed, skin cold. Sami shook him, pinched his arm. Jey didn’t respond.

Sami’s entire body was shaking, his breaths ragged, as he felt for a pulse. There was one, but faint, to the point that Sami wasn’t sure if he was feeling his own. Sami bent down, desperately trying to recollect what he had learned in CPR classes. Jey’s chest was moving, but so slightly, that Sami didn’t know if it was just a trick of his eyes. He placed his face over Jey’s. There was no denying the puff of air he could feel leaving Jey’s nostrils on each exhale. He was alive.

Sami sat back, scanning the room, trying to think of what he needed to do. He needed to call for an ambulance. He needed to get Jey help, regardless of how whatever this was would look. A small, green pill a few feet away from Sami caught his eye, standing out against the red carpet. He snatched it up. One side was stamped “OC,” and the other “80.” Sami’s heart stopped and then resumed beating at double the rate. He sprang to his feet and ran to the hallway, banging on each door he passed.

“Narcan!” Doors were opening, faces poking out of rooms, but Sami didn’t notice. He felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to see Sheamus again, Narcan spray in his outstretched hand. Sami snatched it and ran back the way he came. He slid into a seated position behind Jey, cradling his head in his lap, and administered the dose. He waited. Nothing happened. Sami lifted Jey’s eyelid. His pupil was a pinprick.

“I already called 911.” Sami jumped. He hadn’t noticed Sheamus following him into the room. He could hear more people speaking in the hallway, indistinguishable murmurs. All Sami’s attention was on the unconscious man before him.

“Here, I got as many as I could find.” Sheamus held out a handful of naloxone, some in nasal spray form, some injection. Sami couldn’t speak. He didn’t process he had been crying until he realized his vision was too blurry to read the packaging of the medication.

“Lay him on his side.” Sami complied wordlessly. He knew what to do, why couldn’t he fucking think? He’d received basic training in overdose prevention and reversal the first time he was prescribed narcotics, but now that he was in a situation where he needed it, his mind was blank.

“It’s been long enough. Give him another dose.” Sami grabbed blindly, choosing the first package his hand closed around. It was a prefilled syringe. Sami ripped it from its packaging and tore off the safety guard, pressing the end into Jey’s thigh; the click and hiss were a welcome sign he had administered it correctly. Jey jerked, and Sami forgot how to breathe.

Jey groaned, then promptly vomited on the carpet. Sami was grateful that he had him lying on his side. He couldn’t remember ever feeling so helpless. He informed the arriving paramedics of everything he knew, giving them the oxycodone he had found on the ground, and watched as they wheeled Jey away. Everyone had left their rooms at this point, drawn out by his earlier shouting and Sheamus’ Narcan quest, and joined him in watching silently. When the paramedics and Jey had gone, everyone started speaking at once, casting sideways glances at Sami. Sami’s phone buzzed in his pocket, and he looked to see Pearce’s contact information displayed on the screen. News travels fast. Sami thrust it back into his pocket. He couldn’t do this right now.

He knew there would eventually have to be a conversation. A superstar couldn’t just overdose in their hotel room and not have management start an investigation. He understood this. But he wasn’t ready to be interrogated about the trauma he’d just been subjected to. Not yet.

Sami wasn’t able to see Jey. He wasn’t a blood relative, nor was he on his list of allowed visitors. He spent the evening speaking to Pearce, coworkers, and police. He let the officers know that Jey had taken prescribed medication, the overdose unintentional. He thought that would be it and that they’d go back to being strangers with a shared past. But, to his surprise, the next morning, he received a text that simply read, “getting out soon. pick me up?”

Sami stood in the waiting room. He was too anxious to sit. He heard Jey’s last name and glanced around to see two people speaking: a nurse and someone he assumed was some sort of social worker. He caught the tail end of their conversation.

“it’s an unsafe discharge.”

“We can’t stop him; he just signed AMA documentation.”

The workers noticed Sami watching and walked away, lowering their voices. Good. He didn’t want Jey’s personal health information being discussed in a public waiting room. His face broke into a grin when he saw Jey walk through the double doors leading out of the hallways of patient rooms, attended to by an exhausted-looking aid.

“You here for him?” The aid asked.

Sami nodded. “I am.” He meant it.

“Hopefully, we won’t see you around here again anytime soon, Mr. Fatu.”

Jey smiled wanly at the woman, meeting her eyes as he responded “Yeah, hope not.” The aid blushed, and Sami’s grin widened. He felt almost deliriously happy. What was wrong with him? After what had happened at Summerslam, it made sense that Jey would reach out to him as opposed to one of his family members. But still, here he was, picking Jey up, taking care of him, being there for him at Jey’s request. He had reached out to Sami. He wasn’t going to screw it up this time.

They walked out of the hospital in silence. When they got into Sami’s vehicle, Jey slumped against the seat, eyes closed.

“Thanks for coming to get me, uce. They wasn’t gonna discharge me if someone didn’t pick me up.” Sami didn’t think it would be helpful to disclose the overheard conversation indicating that Jey wasn’t supposed to be discharged yet, regardless of whether he had a ride or not.

“It’s no problem. Really. I’m glad I could help.”

“And thanks for yesterday.” Sami risked a glance over at Jey. His eyes were still closed, head leaning against the headrest.

“You should be thanking Sheamus.” This was enough for Jey to open his eyes, tilting his head to look at Sami skeptically.

“Sheamus? Really?”

“Yeah. I found you and I panicked. He was the one who got the Narcan and called 911. You’d probably be dead if he hadn’t been there.”

“Huh.” Jey faced forward, watching the road ahead.

“Jey…” There was no way to ask this sensitively. “Last night, were you trying to – ”

“Sami, I -”

“No, I understand, man. I mean, after the match, and Jimmy, I would get it if – ”

“Sami!” Sami paused. Jey had put a hand over his where it rested on the center console. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself, Sami. Promise. They didn’t believe me at the hospital either, but I’m telling the truth. I just wanted to hurt… less.”

Sami considered what Jey had said. He really didn’t have any reason to disbelieve him, and he seemed sincere. Not like the last time they spoke when everything from his clothing to the way he spoke had seemed like an act intended to ensnare Sami.

“And do you? Hurt less?” Sami realized what a stupid question it was, but it was too late to retract it.

“No.” Jey withdrew his hand, settling it in his own lap. “I been thinking. If you fight and sacrifice for someone, but they never asked you to, and they don’t want you to, who are you really doing it for? Can you even be mad at them when they throw it in your face? Maybe I’ve been selfish this whole time and just didn’t know it.”

Sami didn’t have a response to that, so he stayed silent. Jey continued.

“I thought if I won, things could go back to how they were. I could prove that I was worthy. But it wouldn’t have made a difference. A title, leadership, none of it would change who I am. You can put a belt on a pile of shit, don’t mean it elevates the shit. Just gets the belt dirty.”

“Jey, you’re not –”

“I know, I know, I know. I read your letter. I know what you think.”

That was something.

“But you don’t really know me.” Jey was wringing his hands together now.

“I feel like I know you.” Sami wished they weren’t having this conversation while they drove. “I know that you used to go to Lakers games specifically to watch Nipsey courtside. I know you can’t stand the cold. I know you work your ass off every single day to be the best version of yourself you can be, but somehow you can’t see that.”

“Yeah, I work. Don’t mean I accomplish anything with that work. I’m tired, Sami.”

They had arrived at Jey’s hotel. Sami hesitated. He worried about Jey going back to the room where he almost died alone. Truly alone. His family hadn’t been there for him when he needed them and hadn’t even visited him in the hospital. They had betrayed him at every turn, making him feel small, weak, and worthless. And right now, there was no one else in that building who was on Jey’s side. But he had realized that he couldn’t force Jey to hear him or accept his help. In a mirror of their disastrous previous encounter, Sami retrieved the spare room key from his wallet.

“No pressure. But if you need to talk or just want to get out for a while, I’m not going home until tomorrow.”

“Thanks, uce, I owe you one.” Jey’s small but genuine smile before he turned to enter the hotel was more than enough repayment for Sami.

Chapter Text

Jey didn’t use the room key, but he did respond to Sami’s texts, and Sami made the decision to fly to Calgary for the next show from his home in Florida despite not being on the card. He told himself he would try to find a connecting flight to Montreal on the way to Toronto for the next date he was booked for, stop, and see family. The hours added to the trip would be worth it. It only made sense and definitely wasn’t because of the uneasy feeling in his gut. As he sat in the plane, music playing in his headphones to drown out the flight attendant’s explanation of emergency procedures he had heard hundreds of times, he decided that it was worth it to trust his gut. It had been right more often than wrong lately.

This time, Sami had booked a room in the same hotel that the crew was staying in. He didn’t want a repeat of last week. And he decided to watch from the arena. He wasn’t going to push or force anything, but he wanted to be close just in case. Jey had reached out to him twice now. He was damn sure going to be nearby if he reached out again.

Jey was free. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so light, and even though a voice in the back of his head that sounded suspiciously like Roman was saying this wasn’t going to last, he was going to crash hard; what the fuck did he think he was doing, it was tuned out by the roaring feeling of triumph, the support of the crowd as he left behind everything and everyone that had brought him pain and bliss. He was done. He made this decision. Not his father. Not the elders. Not Roman. Joshua Fatu. Little Jey. Not so little no more. But that could change.

It had been Roman who had opened his eyes. His statement. It’s been like this for three years now. And Jey had realized it was the truth. He had always loved Roman. He loved Roman now, and for his entire life, the past three years especially, he had told himself Roman loved him too. Everything he did to Jey was out of love. And he still believed this. But receiving Roman’s love over the past three years while also blossoming in his skill and abilities in the ring had nearly killed him. He wouldn’t survive another three years under the yoke of Roman’s love. Not unless Jey took the responsibility of changing things into his own hands. 

 As he left the arena and took a deep, fortifying breath of evening air, he raised his arms to the sky as if embracing the night. Embracing the future. And, on cue, Sami was there, looking for all the world like an angel wreathed in a halo of city lights. Jey floated to him, his smile beatific. It was only right that Sami be the first person who knew. He had been the one who told Jey to make his own decisions, and this was likely the most selfish one he had made yet.

He was throwing away the years of work, pain, and effort, staining the legacy of his family. But it didn’t matter. Because without being a Uso, or the Right Hand Man, or the Main Event, he could just be Jey. He wouldn’t have anything to prove or anyone’s expectations to live up to. He had let down his family every time he tried to step up, so the only logical progression was to step down. He couldn’t change how fundamentally fucked up he was, but he could make himself small enough to where he could be twisted and cut down to fit into whatever space was demanded of him, and it was worth it.

It was worth it to once again belong to Roman.

“Can you do anything beside disappoint me” and a room number. That was all that was written in the text message from Roman. Sami read it, shaking his head. He didn’t feel like playing Roman’s games. But after what he had just heard outside the venue and seeing the wild energy in Jey’s eyes, pupils nearly eclipsing his dark eyes, he wasn’t going to ignore the message either. He got out of bed, threw on some shorts and a sweatshirt, and padded into the hallway. It was silent in the noisy way that all hotels were at this hour. Buzzing lights, the hum of the elevator, and the occasional muffled shout or bang from behind a closed door.

Outside the door of the given room was a large pile of clothing. For a second, Sami paused, dumbfounded as to what Roman expected him to do with his dirty laundry. Then, the pile shifted, just a minute stretch, and Sami realized it was, in fact, Jey. Sami was exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to walk back to his room and ignore the latest crisis that Roman had dumped on Sami for some godforsaken reason, but he loved Jey. There was no denying it at this point because why else would he currently by shaking Jey awake, convincing him in lowered tones that Roman would not be answering the door regardless of what Jey said or did, and getting him back to Sami’s room before someone came out and saw the melodrama playing out in the hallway?

The following days saw Jey flat and numb while Sami tried frantically to draw out any signs of life. He joked, cajoled, manipulated, and damn near stood on his head, with few results at first. However, he eventually drew out a smile, faint at first. Three days after SmackDown, Jey laughed. Every night, he slept in Sami’s bed.

When Sami had offered to pay for a separate room as Jey’s had only been paid until Sunday, Jey had grinned and hit Sami with, “You know I’m a pretty rich guy, right?” which Sami took as him saying he didn’t want his own room. He wanted to be with Sami, physically near him. But it made Sami’s stomach twist. They still had never openly discussed what happened in Des Moines. But now wasn’t the time. Not when Jey was grappling with the immensity of an uncertain future lying before him with open maw and outstretched claws.

On Tuesday, Jey ate a full breakfast, and the pit in Sami’s stomach was slowly shrinking. Jey had long left the room for his regular workout when Sami received another text from Roman. Jey had decided that keeping his schedule as normal as possible while he figured things out was the best way forward, and Sami wholeheartedly agreed.

“If you want to help Josh read the fucking book”

Sami couldn’t deny that he wanted to and had been wanting to. He still carried the notebook with him, now buried in his suitcase instead of in his carry-on. The distance seemed to provide him with the self-restraint needed not to read whatever it was that was burning a hole in his mind and luggage. But maybe it really could be of aid to Jey. That’s why he was doing this. Yeah.

Sami pulled the notebook from his suitcase. There was an imprint in the fabric from how long he had been carrying it with him. At first, he was confused. The first few pages were logs of Jey’s workouts. Why would this make Sami see Jey differently? Why would Roman be so insistent on him reading this? He turned through the pages until he came to one with shaky handwriting and a lack of numbers. He felt like he was growing colder with each word he read. He turned to the next page, then the next. His stomach was churning, and not just with disgust and anger. When he couldn’t take anymore, he flipped through the notebook rapidly. It was nearly full; each page was filled out front and back. The door opened without warning, giving him time to slam the book shut but not hide it away.

Jey walked in, glancing from the damning notebook to Sami’s abashed face. He blanched. “Where did you get that?” He pointed a shaking finger at the notebook. Sami stood from his chair rapidly, backing away from the notebook.

“Sami.” Jey’s voice was high and trembling. “Where did you get that?”

“Roman.” Sami couldn’t lie to him, not after invading his privacy the way he just had.

“Did you read it.” It sounded more like a statement than a question. Sami nodded, then clarified.

“Just some, not all of it.” This didn’t seem to reassure Jey. He sank to the couch.

“Why?” It didn’t seem like the question was aimed at Sami, so he didn’t answer. “If he don’t want me, why does he keep everyone else away, too!” Jey sprang up from the seat without warning. Sami stepped back, unsure of what he was going to do. Jey’s eyes were wild, lips curled in a grimace. He was digging his nails into the meat of his palms. In a flurry of motion, he began collecting his belongings.

“Jey.”  Jey continued his frenetic activity.  “Jey, listen to me.” Jey didn’t stop, so Sami plowed ahead, hoping Jey would at least hear him out before leaving and doing something he was too afraid even to ponder. “I’m sorry.” That made Jey pause momentarily.

“Sorry? What for?”

“I shouldn’t have read the journal.” Jey huffed and continued his packing. “I should have given it to you. But I did, I read it, and I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted.” Jey glanced at the door.

“And…” Sami didn’t know where to start. He got himself into this situation. He might as well face it head-on. “Did you want what Roman did to – what you did with Roman?” Neither way of framing what he had just read seemed to fit.

“Yeah, ok? Yeah. I’m a fucking freak who likes to be beat up and degraded. I enjoy it. Is that what you wanted to hear?” There was a hint of a plea behind Jey’s otherwise believable show of bravado.

“That doesn’t make you a freak, Jey. Lots of people have kinks. Hell, half the locker room are masochists. The other half are sadists. But that’s not what I asked you. I asked if you wanted it. Because a lot of the things in here, most of the things, it sounded like you didn’t want them.”

“Didn’t want them?” Jey laughed and looked at Sami as if he was an oddity at a roadside attraction. “I came when he called Sami. I am – was his little bitch. I’d be there now if he called for me. If he still wanted me. If I was worthy of him.” Jey’s speech choked off into poorly contained sobs at the latter statement. He rubbed his eyes roughly and continued. “I could have stopped him. I ain’t weak. I could have fought him off. But I didn’t. And you can’t deny I enjoyed it. You saw.” He pointed at the notebook. “I always got off. Didn’t matter what he did to me.”

“That doesn’t mean you wanted it.”

“What the fuck does it matter now?” Jey’s eyes were glistening. He seemed to be pleading for Sami to understand something. “It happened. And he left. He don’t want me no more. And I had my chances to prove myself to him, and I fucked up Every. Single. Time. None of it matters.” Jey looked devastated, but his suitcase lay on the ground, forgotten for now, to Sami’s relief.

“Can I sit with you?”

 Jey swept his hand over the empty couch cushion beside him. “Go ‘head. It’s your room.” Sami sat cautiously, maintaining an empty space between them.

“Which half is you in?”

“What?” Sami blinked at Jey, confused.

“You said half the locker room are masochists, half are sadists. Which one are you?”

Sami felt his face flush red, much more noticeable on his pale skin than Jey’s copper. He had always had fantasies about tying his partners up and having power over them. The thought of their pleasure and pain being denied and granted at his whim was intoxicating. For as long as he could remember, the sight of another’s suffering and humiliation had stirred something primal and hungry within him. It was something he had held deep-rooted shame over, but also what had contributed to his kindness and dedication to those he cared about. It was an overcompensation for the darkness that dwelled within him, a cage he built to keep it contained.

He realized Jey was staring at him, waiting for his answer. He couldn’t mess up here as well. He had intruded upon Jey’s privacy, so there was no point in trying to protect his own. He tried to keep his voice neutral as he spoke. He had just told Jey that sexual preferences were nothing to be ashamed of, and now wasn’t the time for hypocrisy.

“Sadist. But…” Sami ran his hand through his hair. “I haven’t really had the chance to… explore it. Much.”

Jey was stock still, eyes narrowed, plush bottom lip being worried between his teeth. In the wonderful, terrible, confusing time Sami had known Jey, he had never seen him bite his lip like this. It was obvious he was in deep thought, so Sami let him think while he worked himself down from his elevated state. It was the first time he had confessed his desires to another person. He had never even told Kevin, who would have likely been sympathetic and eager to assist, considering the laundry list of kinks his friend had openly divulged to him.

“Would you – Or, do you want to explore?”

“I mean, yeah. At some point.” Sami didn’t understand where this conversation was going.

“Shit, uce, do I gotta spell it out for you? Do you want to explore with me?” Jey finally lifted his head and turned to face Sami, who was currently spiraling.

Obviously, obviously, Sami would love to explore this aspect of himself with Jey. He had fantasized about it, dreamed about it, jerked off to the thought of it countless times, for God’s sake. But now wasn’t the time. Jey was vulnerable and in need of help, not Sami’s dick. His mind unhelpfully flashed back to months ago, finding Jey tied to the shower faucet, to his little whimper when he pulled him off the dildo, to his soft doe eyes looking at him pleadingly. To being inside Jey weeks later, seeing the way his face had been temporarily free from pain when Sami had fucked him to sleep. Fuck. Fuck. He shifted in his seat, trying to hide the growing tent. It was pointless. Jey was scanning him with rapt attention, and there was no way he missed it.

“You do.” His voice sounded awestruck, as if he couldn’t believe that Sami actually wanted him. “You read that,” Jey jerked a finger at the notebook, “and you still want me?” Sami shook his head, and Jey seemed to crumple into himself like an imploding star.

“Roman was right.” The awe was gone from his voice, replaced with bitter acceptance. “I ruined things with the only person who could ever know me and still want me.” He twisted away from Sami but didn’t get up.

Sami took a breath. He knew every word mattered right now, so he tried to choose them carefully. “That’s not true, Jey.”

Jey scoffed but didn’t otherwise argue.

“And I didn’t mean that I don’t want you. I do.” Sami let the confession hang in the air for a moment before continuing. “I have since… since before I joined the Bloodline, I think.”

“Yeah?” Jey looked disbelieving.

“And nothing you wrote makes me want you less, Jey, I promise you. But now isn’t the time. You just made a huge decision, and you’re hurting. I’m flying out tomorrow. We can talk about this, but we don’t need to rush into anything. And…” Sami took a steadying breath, “we have to talk about last time, Jey.”

.

 Jey felt as if the floor of his stomach had dropped to his knees. He stood unsteadily, grabbing his phone from the table and walking to the door of the room. He didn’t hear Sami call after him, didn’t feel his hands grasping at his arms. He walked mechanically out of the room and into the soulless hallway.

Chapter Text

Jey lost track of where he was going, wandering the city in a daze. As his shadow lengthened, he pulled out his phone. Before his first shy kiss with Roman (that he had initiated, and Roman quickly dominated), he had made a list of dungeons and other play locations in every city they landed in. It was his first time using it in the past three years, but he needed to feel something. He needed pain and punishment; he deserved it, especially after betraying everyone as he had and then falling short every time he tried to make things right. Roman had been right. But then, he always was.

Jey followed the directions to the address he had typed into his map, and half an hour later, he was standing in front of an inconspicuous tavern. He opened the door and was met with a bouncer, who eyed him up and down suspiciously. Jey met his gaze nonchalantly, flashing his driver’s license before sidestepping and attempting to walk past him into the dimly lit space beyond. The man stopped him with an arm across his chest. Jey could have pushed past him easily, but he didn’t want to cause a scene and end up in the news.

“Hey, bud, let me see your membership.”

“What?” Jey turned to him.

“Membership. You have to be vetted before you can come in on weekends.”

“I don’t have a fucking membership.” Jey tried to cool the anger roiling in his gut. “Who do I gotta talk to to get one?”

“You can’t do it tonight.” The bouncer had taken a step back, his stance defensive. “There’s a process. The form to get it started is online.”

Jey sucked air in through his teeth. It wasn’t this man’s fault. This, just like everything else that had brought him here, was Jey’s doing. He turned around abruptly and left the building. He leaned against the wall outside, breathing ragged. He didn’t want to go back to the hotel. But he didn’t have anyplace else to go. He hadn’t brought his wallet with him, so he couldn’t even get a hotel room somewhere else for the night. The door opened, but Jey didn’t look. He heard someone walk over to him and felt the presence of someone beside him. He didn’t move, just waited.

“Hey, are you ok?” He finally glanced over, drawing himself to his full height. The man beside him was tall, towering over Jey. He wasn’t as muscular as Jey but was lithe and lean. He reminded Jey of a lion. A predator. His mouth was suddenly dry.

“Yeah. I’m good.”         

“I saw Donnie kick you out. He can be kind of a dick, but we have the membership requirement for a reason. Gotta make sure people stay safe.”

“I get it.” Jey looked down the street. They were alone.

“Asher.” The man stuck out his hand, and Jey took it. It was warm and dry. He imagined how it would feel wrapped around his throat, and his heartbeat quickened.

“Josh.”  The man slid his hand up Jey’s arm, closing it around his wrist like a shackle.

“Nice to meet you, Josh.”

Jey shivered.

“Cold?” Jey wasn’t, but he nodded, and the man took off his coat, slinging it over Jey’s shoulder, every bit the perfect gentleman.

“I don’t have a membership requirement.” The man’s other hand moved from where it had been adjusting the jacket, circling around Jey’s waist. Jey let himself be pulled in, pupils blown wide.

“Is that right?

Sami was frantic. He didn’t know how he continued to exceed his last fuckup with one even more catastrophic. He had been calling and texting Jey but received no response. Should he call the police? He remembered the hollow look in Jey’s eyes, the way he hadn’t seemed to be able to hear Sami’s desperate pleas for him to stay. What if Jey had – no. He cut off that line of thought. He couldn’t think that. Besides, Jey cared about his family too much. He might have quit the company, but he would never truly abandon Jimmy and Solo. Or Roman.

Sami stood outside Kevin’s door but couldn’t bring himself to knock. He walked back up the stairs, made his way to Jimmy’s door, and knocked three times in rapid succession before he lost his nerve. He could feel his heart thrumming in his throat as he waited. What if he had gone home between dates? What if no one was there? He heard motion from the room.

“What you want?” Sami backed away from the still-closed door, hands raised appeasingly.

“I’m just here to talk, Jim.”

“Talk? About what? Is you alone?”

“I’m alone. It’s about Jey.”

The door swung open. “Damn, uce, should’ve opened with that.” Jimmy was dressed casually, a ribbed black undershirt and black sweats. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a week, but then again, Sami didn’t look much better. “Come on.”

Sami entered Jimmy’s room, feeling on edge. He wasn’t on good terms with Jimmy, but he knew he loved Jey just as much as he did, albeit in a different way.

“What you know? He told me he needed time to think, but I ain’t heard from him in three days.”

Sami paused, contemplating what to say. He didn’t want to expose Jey’s relationship with Roman, or why Jey had left in the way he did. But Jimmy needed to know enough to help Sami at least find out if his twin was alive.

“Spit it out, Sami.”

“He… fought with Roman.”

“Yeah, I know. I was there.”

“No, after… It was bad.”

Jimmy was immediately furious. “Is he hurt? Is he in the hospital? I’ll fucking kill Joe; I shoulda killed him the first time he laid hands on my little brother!”

“No, no, he’s fine. Or, was.”

“Was?”

“He came to me after, and we… argued. He left without his wallet or anything.” Sami took a moment to settle the tremor that was rising in his voice. “I haven’t been able to reach him by phone, and he was pretty torn up when he left. I’m scared, Jim”

Jimmy looked at him for a few seconds, expressions cycling rapidly over his face. He pulled out his phone, tapped the screen, and placed it to his ear. Sami could hear the faint ringing from the speaker. No response. Jimmy lowered his arm, squeezing the phone in his large fist.

“We gotta go to Roman.”

“What? Why?”

“Jey took his phone?”

“Yeah, but he won’t answer, you saw.”

“Roman tracks us, all of us. He can see where he’s at as long as he’s got his phone with him.”

Sami shook his head. He knew Roman was controlling, but he was always surprised at the extent of that control. He could think of very few things he would like to do less than willingly speak with Roman right now, but if it meant he could find Jey, he would do it.

Jimmy was already halfway down the hallway, so Sami had to break into a half-jog to catch up. Jimmy was breathing hard, eyes darting as if he was watching his thoughts as they arose. He knocked on Roman’s door without hesitation.

“Open up, Joe!” He was banging on the door, and Roman appeared quickly. His eyes widened briefly when he saw that Sami was with Jimmy before he managed to smooth out his expression.

Jimmy didn’t wait for Roman to speak. “Jey’s missing. I know you watch where we go. Find him.”

Roman looked at Sami with an expression of pure disgust, and Sami felt guilt creep into his chest. Roman walked back into his room.

“Where is you going, man? Didn’t you hear me?” Roman emerged, shoes on, bag slung over his shoulder.

“I’m going to find Jey. Don’t know what you two fools are planning to do.”

In the midst of his mental and emotional torment, Sami felt the smallest sliver of familiar comfort as he sat in the back of Roman’s rental car, Jimmy by his side. For all of the mental, emotional, and physical abuse Roman had heaped upon him during his stint with the Bloodline and after, he couldn’t deny that there had been good times. He frowned as he realized that even during those good times, Jey had been being abused right under his nose, and he'd been none the wiser. His stomach flipped, and he rested his head against the window, the chill cooling his fevered thoughts.

Roman hadn’t said a word since they entered the car; he was following GPS directions to a location Sami assumed was Jey’s. Sami considered Roman’s accusatory expression. Was this all Sami’s fault? Jey had chosen him to come to, and Sami hadn’t been what he needed. He had failed Jey. Again. He pulled himself out of his thoughts. He could beat himself up later. Right now, he needed to keep it together for Jey.

Sami’s brow furrowed as he realized that they were driving away from the business sector and into a residential neighborhood. He had assumed Jey would be at a bar or club or somewhere else with readily available alcohol. Where were they going? Roman finally stopped before a small house. The lawn was well-kept, and a porch light shone. It looked welcoming, but Sami was filled with unexplainable dread at the sight of it.

“He’s here. Let’s go.”

Jimmy and Sami exited the car, closed the doors quietly, and followed Roman across the manicured grass. Sami felt as if the world was holding its breath and every minute sound was amplified when Roman rang the doorbell and then knocked authoritatively after waiting a few seconds.

The door opened a crack, revealing a tall, lanky man dressed only in a pair of briefs. His long hair was tousled, cheeks flushed.

“Who the fuck are you?” The man looked down at Roman, who didn’t back down.

Roman ignored the man’s question. “Where is he?”

“Who?”

Roman stepped forward, and the man retreated back into his house, attempting to shut the door. Roman grabbed the handle before he succeeded, ripping the door from the man’s grasp and throwing it open. He strode into the house, Jimmy and Sami on his heels.

“What the fuck, man?” the stranger hissed. “I’m gonna call the cops if you don’t get the fuck out right now.”

“Are you?” Roman met the man’s gaze, and even though he was looking up at him, it was the stranger who seemed small. Roman glanced at his phone. “Looks like he’s in the back of the house. Go get him. Doubt he wants to see me. I’ll take care of this one.” The man was slowly backing away, glancing at the door. “Don’t fucking move!” Roman’s barked command seemed to petrify the man, and he obeyed, seemingly rooted to the spot. Jimmy and Sami nearly ran through the house, throwing open every door they passed. A bathroom. A storage room. An empty bedroom. And, finally, a room with a low glow emanating from underneath it. Jimmy reached it first, opening it and immediately letting out a shout of horror at what he saw.

Sami pushed past him. It was Jey. He was naked, tied to the bedposts. His body was covered with bruises and slashes, blood dribbling lazily down his torso and onto the plastic cover over the bedsheets. His face was a mottled mess, lips split and distended over a large gag, and eyes so swollen that Sami doubted he could see. Sami felt as if his heart had stopped beating, and he floated over to him, feeling for a pulse on his wrist. Jey didn’t move, but Sami returned to reality when he felt the steady, strong beat of Jey’s heart. Jimmy was still standing in the doorway, mouthing words Sami couldn’t hear. Jey stirred slightly and moaned something that sounded like “no more.” He cracked his eyes open the minimal amount the swelling allowed and blearily met Sami’s gaze. He groaned and shut his eyes again.

“We need to get him off the bed, Jimmy.” Jimmy didn’t respond. “Hey, Jon, you need to help me. We have to get him to the car, clean him up, stop the bleeding. I know, it’s a lot. But he needs us.” Jimmy walked shakily to Sami’s side, working the knots tying Jey’s wrists to the bedposts loose. Sami offered a prayer of thanks that rope that they could untie or cut had been used instead of cuffs that required finding a key, ignoring the fear building within him at how blue Jey’s hands were.

Sami threw a blanket from a chair in the corner over Jey in preparation for the trip outside, but before he did so, he saw the word that had been meticulously carved into Jey’s abdomen, cutting across the previously unmarked flesh. Worthless. Sami shuddered. He reached down, pulling Jey close. He was deadweight and completely unable to help Sami.

“Get his legs.”

Jimmy did so, and together, they carried Jey back towards the front door. The man was kneeling on the floor, hands behind his back, with Roman looming over him. When Roman saw the contents of the bundle they were carrying, his face lost all semblance of humanity. Sami had never seen him look so furious, and it scared him. He realized Roman was going to kill the man, and as much as he despised Roman, he knew Roman being sentenced to prison for murder would devastate Jey and be one more thing he blamed himself for.

“Roman, he’s alive. Let’s go; he needs to go to the hospital!”

“C’mon, Joe, leave him, we’ve gotta go!” Jimmy joined Sami, also catching on to the rage emanating from his cousin. Roman turned to follow them out the door, but not before kicking the man to the floor and stomping him once, twice, on the ribs, evoking a wheezing gasp each time.

Jimmy and Sami propped Jey up on the back seat, holding him between them. He was breathing evenly, his heart rate still level, but he was out cold. His head lolled back and forth as Roman made hard turns. Sami was so focused on Jey that he hadn’t noticed Roman had driven them back to the hotel. He looked up, realizing with disbelief where they were when they pulled to a stop.

“No, no, no, Roman, what are you doing? He needs to go to the hospital!”

“He wouldn’t want to go to the hospital. You know this would get out.”

“Joe.” Jimmy’s voice was small. He sounded like a frightened child. “Joe, he still ain’t wake up. He needs help, Joe.”

“I have someone coming here to treat him. She’ll be discrete.” Jimmy nodded his head, chin trembling. Sami wasn’t as receptive.

“They’re going to treat him in the fucking parkade?” Sami felt his anger rocket as he saw Paul Heyman exit the elevator to the level they were currently on. “No. Make him leave, Roman. Get him the fuck away from here!” Jimmy looked at Sami with surprise, but he didn’t know what Sami knew.

“The doc coming is one of his contacts.” Roman’s voice was surprisingly subdued. Maybe he could feel shame. Good. He should be ashamed.

Sami and Jimmy exited the car, laying Jey across the back seat as best they could. Sami covered Jey with the blanket, glaring at Paul as he approached. A car pulled into the garage, and Jimmy and Sami both stood in front of the doors, trying to hide Jey’s unconscious form. A woman left the car and walked over, hugging Paul and talking to him briefly before joining them at the door.

She pulled back the blanket, exposing Jey’s battered body. He had pissed himself. Sami turned away. The Doctor whistled. “Looks like someone had too much fun. Either that or got in a fight with a bear.” Sami bit back a retort. He stepped away and walked to the front of the car, crouching with his back against a support pillar. Jimmy joined him shortly. Neither said a word. Sami’s head was reeling.

It had been his fault. If he had just told Jey he wanted him when he asked with no addendums and caveats, maybe he wouldn’t have left. Maybe he wouldn’t have put himself in danger like this. Now, Sami didn’t know if he was even going to wake up. From the bruises, lacerations, and hematomas on his face, he could tell he’d been hit on the head. Hard. Multiple times. What if he had brain damage? What if this afternoon was the last time he ever got to speak with him? And even if he did wake up, what about his deathly pale, cold hands? Would he need an amputation? Double amputation?

With a groan, Sami sat on the hard concrete floor. Jimmy seemed just as conflicted. He was shaking his head and mouthing wordlessly, just like he’d done when they found Jey.

“Jimmy, you in there?”

“What? Yeah. Yeah, but what the fuck was that? Why was he there? Who was that fucker who did this to him? What the fuck?”

Sami didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t his place to explain Jey’s proclivities to his twin. That was Jey’s decision if he survived to make it. “I don’t know, man. I don’t know.”

Chapter Text

The doctor quickly evaluated Jey and determined his symptoms were related to alcohol poisoning. Sami and Jimmy had carried Jey to his room, with Roman going first to scout for potential witnesses in the hallway. She had connected him to an IV and nasal oxygen tubing, as well as a blood pressure cuff and equipment Sami didn’t recognize, cleaned and bandaged his wounds, and left.

“Doesn’t he need his stomach pumped? Or dialysis or something?” Sami had followed her around the room as she packed her bag. He was completely out of his depth.

“The results from his blood tests came back fine. Liver is fine, blood sugar is fine, BAC is lowering. I don’t think your friend can’t wake up; I think he doesn’t want to.  Check his oxygen with the oximeter. If it drops below 90, check it again, and then call me if it doesn’t change. Those,” she gestured at the jungle of equipment, “will send me a notification if anything serious happens. I’ll be back in the morning. You have my number; if something comes up, call me.” And with that, she had swept through the door.

Sami had paced around the room for a while longer, trying to find an outlet for his helpless anger. None presented itself. Jimmy was there too, sitting on the couch, head in his hands. Roman had returned to his room, but Sami knew he wasn’t getting any sleep either. Sami returned to Jey’s bedside. He was sweating, his face contorted.

“Can you get me a washcloth?” Jimmy stood and returned with a damp cloth. Sami began to wipe Jey’s body extra gently around his various wounds. He dried him carefully, not wanting him to get cold.

“Should we take him to the hospital, uce? I don’t know if we can trust this fucking quack Heyman brought in.” Jimmy was only half looking at Jey, as if he couldn’t bear to see the full extent of his injuries. Sami didn’t know why the decision had fallen on him. He remembered the doctor’s words. Jey didn’t want to wake up. He remembered his brief moment of consciousness in the house. He remembered how lax staff had been with privacy during Jey’s last hospitalization.

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. Like Roman said, if this got out, it could really hurt Jey.”                

“He already hurt, Sami! And why the fuck does it matter? He’s out the company, and even if he wasn’t, his life matters more than his damn reputation!” Jimmy clenched his fist, and for a second, Sami thought he was going to punch him. He deserved it. The blow didn’t come. Jimmy sat back down with a huff. 

Sami checked Jey’s oxygen periodically. He hovered at 95. He wished he could understand the numbers and lines on the monitors by Jey’s bed. He held Jey’s hand, willing him to wake up, willing him to be ok. The night passed torturously slow. At one point, Jimmy fell asleep sitting up on the couch. Sami watched him carefully for a couple of minutes before leaning down to Jey.

“I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry. I’ll give you what you want, whatever you need, just please, wake up. Come back to me, baby, please.” His voice broke on every other word, the tears he had held back falling freely. Jey didn’t budge. Sami had been nearly delirious by the time the doctor returned at six the following morning. He gave her the log of oxygen readings he had meticulously recorded every 15 minutes, collapsed on the couch beside Jimmy, and fell into a deep sleep.

When Sami awoke, he heard Jey’s voice. He wasn’t sure if he was still dreaming. He sat up from where he had slouched over. Jimmy was gone from his spot on the couch. Sami looked blearily around the room and saw Jey sitting upright and wearing a loose hoodie, propped up against a pile of pillows. Jimmy had pulled the armchair to the bed and was sitting beside him. The IV and other medical equipment were gone, and he might have been able to believe last night’s events were a horrible nightmare if not for the mess that had been made out of Jey’s face. It looked even worse in the daylight.

He wondered if it was too late to go back to sleep.

“He awake.”

Indeed it was. Sami stood and walked to Jey’s bedside, each step feeling like his legs had been replaced with lumps of lead.

“How’re you feeling?”

“Like shit.” Jimmy laughed.

“Yeah, makes sense, I guess.” Sami felt awkward and unsure. He dug the toe of his shoe into the rough hotel carpet.

“Hey, Jon, can you give us a minute.”

“Yeah, whatever you want, little brother. But I’m gonna be right outside the door, so you call if you need anything, you hear me?” Sami felt like the statement was both a warning and a threat directed at him. Jimmy squeezed Jey’s hand once, then left the room, casting one last pregnant glare at Sami before closing the door.

“I guess I picked the right time to quit, yeah? Woulda been out for weeks.”

Sami ignored Jey’s statement, instead looking at the bumps, cuts, and bruises covering his face. Without saying anything, he pulled up Jey’s hoodie. He caught a glimpse of the bandages crossing his chest and stomach before Jey could tug it back down.

“Yo, what you doing, man?” Jey’s arms were crossed gingerly over his chest, preventing his shirt from being moved.

“What am I doing? What were you doing? What were you thinking? Jey, you could have died!” Sami wanted to shake him. “This is the second time in a week – two weeks.” Sami tried to think. How much time had passed? “It doesn’t matter.” He shook his head. “The second time in too short a time that I’ve found you on the verge of death. I can’t keep doing this, Jey.” Sami hung his head, and Jey lifted a tentative hand before bringing it back to rest by his side.

“You don’t have to.” Jey seemed to intend the comment to be biting, but he just sounded exhausted. “I didn’t ask you to do any of this.”

“And what if I wouldn’t have?” Sami hissed. “That –“ Sami couldn’t think of a word that fit the excuse of a man who had landed Jey in this situation. “Monster,” he settled on, “would have killed you. Probably would have cut your body into pieces and thrown you in the river. Is that really what you want? Do you want to abandon your family like that?”

Jey gritted his teeth, avoiding Sami’s gaze. Sami reached over, acting before he could think, and grabbed Jey’s chin. He turned his head so Jey was forced to look at him. Jey winced with pain, and Sami released him. “No.”

“That’s what I thought.” Sami sat back, breathing hard. They were both silent for a moment. Sami had made his decision; now, he just needed to carry it out.

 “If we’re going to do this, we have to set some ground rules.”

“What you mean, Sami?” Jey’s voice sounded guardedly optimistic.

“I mean, if you want me to tie you up, hurt you, degrade you, fuck you, we’re going to have to talk about it first.”

Jey blushed, then glanced at the door as if worried Jimmy might be eavesdropping.

“I’m listening. Keep yo voice down,”

“First off. No more of this running out on me when I’m trying to talk to you. I’m serious, Jey. If you can’t sit down with me and at least try and have a conversation, this isn’t going to work. I don’t do scenes or have sex with people who don’t talk to me. And I can’t take worrying about you like this anymore. If I call you, you answer. If you can’t answer, you send a text and call when you can. Do you understand me?”

“Yes si- Sami.” Jey’s blush deepened. It was beautiful.

“Ok. Now, what do you want?”

“I want what you said. I want you to – to hurt and degrade me and all that shit.” Jey’s eyes were firmly fixed on his hands which were twisting the blanket.

“I know, but beyond that. What do you want from this relationship? Is it just physical, or do you want more? Exclusivity?”

Jey nodded vigorously at the last word, eyes snapping to meet Sami’s. “Yes, please. Exclusivity. If- if that’s not too much to ask.” He lowered his eyes shyly. Sami had never needed anyone more in his entire life. He wanted to crawl onto the bed and make Jey his, make him forget about what that monster had done to him, what Roman had done to him. To replace those memories and marks on his body with his own. That would come with time.

“It’s not too much, sweet boy.” The gasp that escaped Jey’s bruised and swollen lips at the endearment was almost a moan, and it was enough to add to the growing ache in Sami’s groin. Exclusivity wasn’t a problem for him at all. Having gorgeous, strong, fragile Jey as his own, not needing to share him with anyone. That didn’t sound like a bad deal to him. He would have to explain to Kevin, but he would understand. Hopefully.

“There’s a lot more we need to discuss. But this is a good start.” Sami stood up and stretched. “I’m sure Jimmy’s getting ready to break down the door, should we let him in?”

“Nah.” Jey looked at Sami, a sparkle of mischief in his eyes. “He can wait a little longer.”

“Oh yeah?” Sami moved closer to the bed, running his fingers through Jey’s curls.

“Yeah.” Jey reached up, with great effort, and wrapped his arms around Sami’s back. Even with his eyes half slitted shut, cheeks puffy, and lips cracked, he was the most beautiful thing Sami had ever seen. He didn’t know if it was a good idea but leaned forward anyway, pressing a chaste, gentle kiss to Jey’s bruised lips. Jey fell back to the pillows, eyes closed, breath coming quickly.

“Jey, was that – are you ok?” Sami immediately began second-guessing himself. They had just discussed fucking each other. They had already been intimate in the past, as confusing and hurtful as it had been. However, maybe it was too soon to make another physical move. Jey had just experienced extensive trauma, and here Sami was pawing all over him. Before he could apologize, Jey cracked his eyes open again.

“I’m great, Sami. That was great. I been waiting on that for a long time.”

“Me too,” Sami was beaming, his anxiety washed away by Jey’s words.

“Just glad I’m not hooked up to that monitor no more! We’d have everyone running in here.” The men looked at each other before bursting into laughter, which Jey immediately tried to stem with a wince of pain. Sami allowed himself one last touch to Jey’s hair before heading to the door to let in Jimmy. Jey was going to be fine. They were going to be fine. Everything was going to be just fine.

Chapter Text

Even if Jey hadn’t just quit, he wouldn’t have been medically cleared to return to the ring for quite some time. That was the main message that he gathered from the multitude of medical professionals that he interacted with over the next day. He had suffered a concussion, rectal tearing, and likely other internal damage. He stopped listening as they droned on at him about minimizing physical activity, following the dozens of pages of post-procedure to the letter etc., etc. All Jey could think about was Sami. After a quick flight to see family, he moved on to the next city. His brothers and cousin did the same. They had left Jey alone. But then, he had left them first.

Even though Sami and Jey spoke on the phone multiple times daily, the telltale signs of feeling abandoned were creeping into his thoughts and dreams. Sometimes, he woke up fighting, having dreamed of Asher taking him home, getting him drunk, getting frustrated with his limits (no marks above the hips, nothing that would hinder his physical abilities), forcefully tying him to the bed, and hurting him. Other times, he woke up sobbing from dreams of Roman leaving him. More often than not, lately, Roman was replaced by Sami, saying how he had no use for him and that he was nothing. Useless. Worthless. Jey was starting to detect a theme.

Jey wasn’t able to go home yet. A flight or drive would both be too long for him in his current fragile state. So, he was stuck here, like a piece of forgotten luggage. He hated feeling so helpless. Hated not being able to run and lift heavy and do all the other activities that kept him going on the road. All he could do was walk at a slow pace and, even then, just to the bathroom. He found himself in the bathroom often, staring at himself in the mirror. He watched with rapt fascination as the word that had been carved, agonizing letter by agonizing letter, onto his belly healed. He wondered if it would scar and often had the desire to cut it back open or at least pick at it with his fingers to make sure it scarred. So he would never forget what he really was, and neither would anyone he met with.

Every time he took his shirt off before another person, they would know what he was. Worthless. But he didn’t. Something told him Sami wouldn’t like it. And he didn’t want to disappoint Sami. But maybe he already had. As the days passed, Jey’s feelings of discontent grew and began to poison him. He wondered if Sami had just told him what he wanted to hear to keep him alive. They had agreed that talking about their arrangement over the phone wasn’t a good idea, but Jey didn’t know when he would see Sami next. He needed to talk to him, so when he was finally cleared to travel, the decision between going home and following Sami to the next show location was an easy one.

Jey drove straight to the hotel talent usually utilized in this city. He hadn’t been sent an itinerary. Of course not. Why would he have? Something within him kept him from simply asking Sami where he was staying. His nerves were like a ball studded with broken glass, bouncing through his gut and throbbing head. He realized he didn’t know which room Sami was in. He knew the general location of where he usually stayed, however.

Jey walked rapidly across the hotel, head down. He ignored the conversation of the people he passed, hoping the nondescript hoodie he was wearing pulled over his head would be enough to keep his former coworkers from noticing him. He entered the elevator, pressing the button to the third floor multiple times as if it would make the machine work faster. He didn’t know why he was so nervous. No, that was a lie. He did. In the back of his mind, he saw it. Sami, another man in his bed. Sami, kind, warm, gentle Sami, whispering to that man about how special he was, how much he needed him, how much better he was than that used-up slut he’d left behind.

Jey knew he was likely being paranoid. But he also never thought that Roman, the Roman who had once left him bound naked in the snow for an hour after he “flirted” with a waiter by thanking him, would so easily give him away to another man. He didn’t know what to believe, and the only way he could think of to grow his trust in Sami was this. Show up to his room unannounced and see if his definition of exclusivity and Jey’s matched each other.

When Jey got to the room, he paused. What would he do if Sami was with someone else? What if this wasn’t even Sami’s room? He knocked on the door before he bitched out and drove home, eating the extra hours he’d added to the trip by coming here along with the shame at his cowardice.

His fears were set to rest when it was Sami who came to the door, wearing a loose pair of basketball shorts with a towel around his shoulders. Jey glanced into the room. Empty. His knees buckled as if Sami had swung at him, and Sami easily caught him.

“Jey, why didn’t you tell me you were coming? Come on, sit down before you hurt yourself.”

Jey sat with a wince. Even with being cleared, he was still in an immense amount of pain. He had been denied any pain pills stronger than Tylenol, but he knew that was on him. Jey had earned this pain, and he deserved to feel every ounce of it.

“It’s good to see you, Jey.” Jey bristled at the formality.

“Yeah, good to see you too.”

“But you should’ve gone home. You need to focus on recovering.”

“I can’t recover with you?” Jey planted his feet on the ground, centering himself for the battle he was sure was coming.

“I guess you can.” Sami smiled at him, and Jey relaxed. That was easier than expected.

Jey let himself fall into the easy rhythm of Sami’s chatter, catching him up on the latest locker room going ons, rumors of what management was planning, and the best food they’d eaten on the road. He didn’t respond much, just the occasional nod of approval or grunt of disbelief. The content wasn’t much different than what they shared on the phone, but being physically present with Sami while they spoke made all the difference. However, there was one thing they hadn’t discussed on the phone, something glaringly obvious that Sami seemed to be avoiding.

“And what about what we was talking about?” Jey interrupted Sami’s story about Asuka and a persistent seagull. “Um, sorry. But we haven’t discussed it since. It’s been heavy on my mind, Sami.”   

“Yeah.” Sami dropped himself onto the couch beside Jey. “I wasn’t avoiding it. Just letting you have control of how we talk about it.

“Well, I been good, right?” Jey flushed. He hadn’t meant it to come out like that. “I mean, I been following your rules. I answer when you call, and I talk about stuff when you want to.”

“Our rules. And you’ve been talking to me but didn’t mention coming here.” Sami’s tone was light, but Jey felt like he had been yelled at.

“Yeah, but that was a surprise. Thought you’d be happy.” He knew he was approaching dangerous territory, so he quickly changed the subject. “I showed you I can do what you say. So, can we move to the next level now?”

“Next level?”

“Yeah, like, physical shit.” Jey looked anywhere but at Sami. He had never noticed how hideous the artwork in this hotel was.

“This wasn’t some kind of test, Jey.” Sami looked exhausted, and Jey felt a twinge of guilt. “We couldn’t discuss this more or move on to “physical shit” while we were apart.” Jey knew this, but he still felt unmoored and restless.

“Well, we together now. So let’s talk.”

Chapter Text

“What are your limits?”

Jey shook his head. “Don’t got none.” It wasn’t true. There were plenty of things he didn’t like. He didn’t like piss. He didn’t like gags. He didn’t like marks that would be visible on camera. Not that that was a concern anymore. But he couldn’t say that to Sami. What if Sami liked gags? What if Sami wanted to bruise him from ass to neck with a flogger? Jey wasn’t going to take that away from him. Sami was too good for Jey, and Jey wouldn’t give him any reason to realize this and throw him away like Roman had.

“C’mon.” Sami shook his head at Jey like he was a misbehaving child. “You have to have limits. I know you don’t want to be shared.” Jey flinched like he had been struck. “There you go. A limit. Give me two more.”

Jey thought hard about what he could say that wouldn’t limit what Sami could do to him. “No permanent damage,” he finally settled on. “And don’t ask me to do nothing to no one else.”

“That’s cheating, Jey, I already said no sharing.”

“No, it’s different!” Jey insisted. “No sharing means no one else can use me but you. But what I’m saying is, you can’t make me touch no one else or please no one else.” He hesitated, uncertain if he had made his point. The distinction between the two concepts was clear to him, but he wasn’t sure Sami understood. The redhead nodded

“My limits are drinking and drugs. If you’re under the influence, I’m not going to play with you. You can sleep it off, and we’ll try again when you’re sober.

“Fair enough.”

“I know you asked me about sex. Is that something you want?”

“Yeah.” Jey felt like he had answered much too eagerly. He couldn’t bring himself to care much about that. He was confused by the question, however. Sometimes, Roman hadn’t cared about getting off, but he usually expected Jey to bring him to completion.

“Do you want to use condoms? I know we both get tested, but if you –“

“I don’t need them,” Jey interrupted. “But if that’s something you want –“

“I’m fine without,” Sami cut in.

“What about safewords?” Jey paused. He had never thought about safewords. The kind of relationship he and Roman had wasn’t the sort that fostered the use of such safeguards.

“What about them?”

“What do you use? A word? Phrase? Stoplight system?”

“Nothing.”

“You’ve never used a safeword?” Sami seemed shocked. Jey rolled his eyes. If the other man were wearing pearls, he would be clutching them.

“Nah. Don’t feel natural.”

“It’s a necessity for me, Jey. Give me some sort of verbal sign you can use to stop a scene, or this is the end of our discussion.”

The language Sami was using felt unnatural and foreign. Scene. Play. Safeword. This wasn’t some sort of game. This was Jey’s life. But if it took playing Sami’s game to get what Jey needed, he would do it.

“I dunno ‘bout a word. But maybe… if I ask you for a kiss, we stop for a while, and you kiss me?”

“Yeah, I can do that.” Sami’s expression was intense. Jey was struck by the beauty of his eyes, the curve of his lips.

“Please, sir, can I have a kiss?” The honorific had escaped Jey’s lips without his meaning to use it, but Sami didn’t seem to mind.

“Of course, baby.” And with that, he was leaning in, and Jey was falling. Sami’s lips were warm and rough, his beard tickling Jey’s cheeks. Jey moaned. He felt like he was breaking, falling apart, melting. He didn’t think this was something he could have. Roman never gave it to him. Did he even deserve it? He pulled away from Sami, an icy grip clenching his stomach. Sami was panting, breathless, eyes sparkling. Jey felt like he was going to cry. He was tainting Sami, exposing him to his filth, his unworthiness. WORTHLESS.

Sami looked confused and worried. Jey pasted on a smile, hoping it was convincing. “Jus wanted to keep going. We have a safeword. What next?

Sami still seemed concerned but continued. “I called you baby. You called me sir. Is that… ok with you?”

“Yes, sir. “ Jey looked at Sami from underneath his eyelashes. He thought he could actually see the blood in Sami’s body rushing south and had to repress a satisfied smile.

“Ok. Ok. Is there anything you don’t want me to call you? Or anything else you’d like me to call you?”

Jey shifted in his seat, running his hand over his neck.

“Umm, puppy is fine.” His voice was barely above a whisper. “Or dog, bitch, whore, slut.” He swallowed hard. “Anything de-degrading, really.”

.

Sami nodded thoughtfully. He tried to hide the twinge of pain that ran through him. He knew from reading the notebook that these were all things Roman had called Jey. He wondered if there were any new paths to tread with Jey or if he’d just be shadowing Roman every step of the way. It didn’t matter. This was different. He would listen to Jey, never take things too far, praise him, care for him, and love him.

“Ok, I can work with that. I like sir, but Sami is fine, too. Whatever comes out of or goes in your mouth when you’re with me is great for me, pet.”

This time, the sound Jey made was undeniably a moan, hungry and desperate. Sami filed that thought away for later. Pet was apparently an effective way of addressing Jey. “We can work out specifics before a scene, but tell me, what would be the perfect experience for you? What would that look like?”

.

That word again. Scene. “I dunno. Give me an example.”

Sami looked thoughtful. Jey’s heart filled and ached at the same time. Sami was taking this so seriously. He cared about Jey. Jey didn’t deserve that. “For me, it would involve bondage. Preferably rope. I learned a lot about tying when I was training. You know we start with mat maintenance, the very basics of the craft. And then, probably impact. Sensory deprivation, you know, like hoods, blindfolds. And power exchange.” Sami’s expression was suddenly serious. “Which is why we need to trust each other, Jey. I need to know you’ll tell me when you need me to stop. I need to know you’re in the right headspace, so if something ever feels off, you have to promise to talk to me, ok?”

Jey’s brain was screaming. Wrong, wrong, wrong. It wasn’t his place to complain or stop Sami. Things had been so simple, so uncomplicated with Roman. He had done what he was told, and when he was too weak or stupid to do so, he was punished. But he knew he couldn’t tell Sami this, so he just nodded.

“I need to hear you say it, pet.”

“I promise. I’ll speak up if something is wrong.” Like right now, he added silently.

“Good. So, what would your perfect scene look like?”

“Like the stuff you said, rope and pain and hoods.” Jey had never been asked what he liked or wanted before. He had just had things done to him and showed he enjoyed it with his pathetic, weeping cock.

“Give me two more things you want, Jey.”

Jey felt trapped, an insect pinned to a table and being examined under a looking glass. “Praise.” He actually covered his mouth with his hand but tried to play it off as him thoughtfully stroking his beard. He couldn’t believe he had said that. Now Sami would know how weak he was, how needy and useless. It wasn’t his place to be praised. It was his job to pleasure his Master, and if he was merciful enough to grant him praise after a job well done, that was his choice, not Jey’s. But Sami didn’t look angry, and his tone wasn’t mocking when he spoke. In fact, it was warm and proud.

“Good job, baby. Now, one more.”

“Punishment.” Jey felt more confident in this arena. “I need you to punish me when I fuck up. I need you to keep me in line. I ain’t think before I act, and it gets me into trouble. I need a – a firm hand.”  He felt like he could hear Roman’s voice in his head, feeding him the words he spoke.

Jey saw Sami wince, but he continued.

“Please, Sami. I need this.”

Sami nodded once, twice. “Alright. But we’re going to talk about that more. You’re going to write me a list of punishable offenses and an appropriate punishment. I get the final say in which ones I want to carry out.”

Jey nodded miserably. That would have to do for now. Once Sami saw how truly despicable Jey was, he would throw out the list and punish him properly. He just didn’t know Jey yet. Not like Roman did.

“And where does this – relationship apply? Is it just in the bedroom? Or do you want it to extend elsewhere?”

“Everywhere, sir. If you can. Just – try not to make it too obvious in public. Don’t want the press picking up on it. Or my family.” Jey added as an afterthought.

“I can do that.” Sami looked determined. “Jey… you’re still my friend, you know that, right?”

“Yeah,” Jey wasn’t sure what Sami was getting at. They didn’t always see eye to eye. Lately, they had rarely seen eye to eye. But Sami had shown him that he would be there for him when he needed him.

“I miss that. I miss you. I don’t want this… arrangement to change things between us.”

“It won’t.” Even as Jey said it, he knew it wasn’t true. There was no way of going back to what they were before. However, the same could be said for when Sami betrayed the family. Things would never be like they had been. But that didn’t mean they couldn’t still be good. He just had to show Sami.

Sami didn’t look convinced. But he continued. “Now, I have one more thing to say. Remember what you promised. Hear me out. Know that this isn’t me abandoning you or pushing you away.”

Sami’s prefacing statements only caused a knot to grow in Jey’s throat.

“I think we should start this on a trial basis.”

“Trial?” Jey had been right to feel anxious. “You ain’t think it’ll work?”

“That’s not it. I just don’t want you to feel pressured.”

“I don’t, Sami. I promise.”

“But you don’t know that yet. We haven’t really started anything yet.”

“No?” Jey didn’t want to get angry. He wanted to prove to Sami that he could contain himself and speak when pushed like this instead of blowing up or isolating himself. “It felt like we started to me.” He closed his eyes to assuage the red rising behind his eyelids. “What kind of trial period?”

“I thought we could try this for a month. At the end, we can reassess. See what’s working and what isn’t. Change what we can, or stop altogether if we need to.”

Jey felt like Sami had spit on him. He would have preferred he had. “So you not serious about this.”

“I am, Jey.” Sami’s voice was earnest. “Just think about it. Please.”

“It’s all good; there ain’t nothing for me to think about. You the boss. If you want a trial period, we have a trial period.”

“That’s the thing, Jey.” Sami’s hair was wild from how many times he had run his hand through it in frustration. “I don’t call all the shots. This is collaborative. A partnership.”

Jey wanted to yell, to scream, to cry. Sami was over-complicating things. He didn’t want to be an equal partner. He didn’t want to call the shots. He wanted to be owned. He wanted to be dominated and have choice stripped from him.

“Whatever you say, man.” He could hear the sullen tone in his voice, but then again, he had made little effort to hide it. “I want the trial period too. Let’s do it.”

“Ok.” Sami took a deep breath, glancing at the clock on the bedside table. “I have to go. You work on the list. I expect it to be finished by the time I return. And to find you here resting and waiting for me. Don’t leave the room.”

Jey felt relief wash over him, stronger than he had felt since Roman had left him months ago. Sami had told him what to do. He didn’t have to think; he didn’t have to decide. He just had to obey. “Yes, sir. Thank you.”

“For what?” Sami looked confused by the sudden change in Jey’s tone. 

“For everything.”

Chapter Text

Sami’s command was easy for Jey to obey. He hadn’t planned on leaving the room anytime soon anyway. A pleasurable shiver ran through him at the thought of sharing it with Sami tonight. He wondered if he would let him sleep at the foot of his bed. And he could think of dozens, probably hundreds, of things he could do that were worthy of punishment. When Sami arrived back in the room hours later, holding an aromatic sack of food, Jey was still hunched over the hotel stationary, a growing stack of paper with minuscule writing on the front and back beside him on the desk.

Sami’s smile slid from his face, and he set the food down with a thump. Jey turned, startled.

“Hey.” His eyes were unfocused, the still healing bruises surrounding them accentuated by under-eye bags. He shrunk into himself when he realized his Master wasn’t returning his grin or greeting. “Sami?”

“What did I tell you, pet?”

“To stay in the room. I didn’t go nowhere, sir, I promise!”

“What else?”

Jey racked his mind but couldn’t think of anything. Besides… “To work on the list and finish it ‘fore you got back.”

“And?”

“To rest.” Jey barely whispered the words. The trial period had just begun, and he had already fucked up.

“To rest.” Sami approached Jey rapidly, and he flinched back, closing his eyes in anticipation of a blow. Instead, he was met with a gentle hand stroking his hair.

“Let me see the list.”

Jey gave him the stack, pride battling with confusion and anticipation. Sami whistled.

“This is a lot. I’ll go through it tonight. But I see you already broke the first rule you wrote down. You disobeyed. And I see you wrote down –“ Sami’s eyebrows rose. “Something I can’t safely do while you’re recovering. But I have a different punishment in mind.”

Jey’s body moved without him needing to think. This was a well-rehearsed dance. He slid to the floor less gracefully than usual and kneeled before Sami, head bowed, hands on his knees, and waited for his Master to give him what he deserved.

He heard Sami’s quick exhale but didn’t look up.

“You’re going to sleep in your own room tonight. I’ll make the reservations now.”

Jey’s head snapped up. He wouldn’t argue. Couldn’t argue. But he hoped his pleading expression made enough of a case. He saw that Sami was hard, and again, seemingly purely by muscle memory, he moved without the use of his brain. Jey leaned forward, nuzzling against the bulge in Sami’s shorts. Sami pushed him away while stumbling back.

“Fuck, Jey, no!” Jey settled back onto his heels, looking for all the world like a chastised dog. “Stay there. I’m going to pick up the keys.” Sami left Jey’s field of vision, but Jey maintained his position. He was shaking. He wished Sami would have given him the punishment he had written down instead of this. He couldn’t even remember what it was. Figging? 50 strokes with a cane? Whatever it was, it would be better than this.

Sami was back before long. He reentered Jey’s view.

“Remember, Jey, you can use your safeword if you need to. But I think this will be good for you. You need to sleep. I reserved the room right next door, so if you need me, you can call, text, or knock on the wall.”

“Yes, sir.” Jey could feel tears beginning to form in his eyes, and he angrily blinked them away. He couldn’t believe he was crying over being sent to his room like a child. But he didn’t know if he could take another night alone. He had counted on being near Sami tonight, near his warmth, smell, and touch.

“You can eat with me first.”

“Thank you, sir,” Jey answered mechanically. He arose at Sami’s command and ate his dinner silently. It could have been sand, for all he could tell. He left one last bite on the plastic tray it came on, pushing it around with his fork. He wanted to see how long he could delay being sent off on his own. Not long enough.

“It looks like you’re done eating. Good night, Jey.”

Jey shot one last pleading look at Sami, but he was unflappable.

“I’ll come for you tomorrow when your punishment is over.”

.

“Yes, sir.” Jey stood in the doorway, illuminated by the fluorescent light of the hallway. He hesitated. Sami closed the door and then waited until he heard the sound of the door to the neighboring room opening and closing. He fished his throbbing cock from his suddenly too-tight pants, panting through gritted teeth as he hunted through his bag for the lube he carried with him. He thought it might have only been 30 seconds before he was cumming into his fist, breaths coming quick and shallow.

He hadn’t planned on getting Jey his own room. His idea for punishment had been for Jey to tear up the list he had worked so hard on and throw it away. But when Jey had kneeled before him so sweetly, shoulders trembling with the effort of staying still and submissive for Sami, just for Sami, it had taken everything in him not to fuck Jey into the matted hotel carpet then and there. He knew that wasn’t wise considering Jey’s injuries, so he sent him away for Jey’s good and his own. And it had obviously been an effective punishment, judging by how stricken Jey had looked.

He groaned quietly. He really felt like a teenager again, hormonal and raring to go at the smallest motion Jey made, the tiniest expression in those big, beautiful eyes. This was dangerous. Jey trusted him to take care of him, and he could barely control himself around the other man. He remembered Jey mouthing at his cock through his clothing, and it made a concerted effort to reawaken. Sami wasn’t that young anymore. He showered and lay awake for hours before finally falling into a restless, fitful sleep.

He was awakened by his 5 am alarm like always. He practically leaped from his bed, quickly brushing his teeth and running a boar bristle brush through his hair and beard. He fingered the key card in his hand. It was for Jey’s room. He glanced at himself in the mirror, then laughed, shaking his head. Jey knew what he looked like. Jey had spent what felt like a lifetime with him, and here Sami was fighting first-date jitters.

Sami padded into the empty hallway and entered Jey’s room. His heart dropped immediately. The bed was torn apart, but no one was in it. He tried to stay calm and think logically and walked to the bathroom. Also empty. Blood rushed to his head, and he leaned against the wall. No. He couldn’t do this again. He couldn’t. Where could Jey have gone? He shouldn’t have sent him away like that, or he should have at least checked on him during the night; he had seen how distressed he was!

Sami’s self-flagellation was halted when he glanced across the room and saw a bundle of blankets and pillows. He walked to the far wall, the one that adjoined his room and saw Jey, fast asleep, pressed against the wall. He was breathtaking. His face looked more peaceful than Sami had ever seen while awake. Sami wanted to kiss him. Sami wanted to break him. He didn’t want to wake him yet, so he settled on the couch, watching film from the last show. He had been sloppy. His mind had been elsewhere, but that was no excuse. He glanced at Jey, beginning to feel concerned. It was nearly 7, and Sami needed to start his day, but he wanted to let Jey know his punishment was over and he was forgiven before he left.

He crouched before him, drinking in the sight of him slumbering so peacefully for as long as he could fight off his guilt at not working. After a few minutes, he sighed and reached a gentle hand down to Jey’s shoulder. He rubbed the flesh there, hoping it wasn’t hurting the barely healed injuries. Jey awoke with a start, yanking away from Sami, eyes wide and fearful.

“Jey, baby, It’s just me.” Jey relaxed, a sleepy smile spreading across his face.

“Hi, Sami.” He was so fucking adorable. Sami drew him into a hug. He remembered not to make it crushing at the last second.

“I’m gonna be busy today, pet. You can go out and do whatever you’ve been cleared for. Just be careful, ok?” Jey nodded.

“I’m sorry about last night.” Jey was frowning, eyes downcast.

“It’s ok. I forgive you, and it’s in the past. Let’s move on.”

Jey fidgeted.

“What is it? Don’t say nothing; you can’t lie to me if we want this to work.”

“Can I… make it up to you?”

“You already did, baby; the punishment is over.”

“Please?”

Sami sighed. “How do you want to make it up to me? Me asking doesn’t mean I’m going to say yes.”

“I’d like to suck your cock, sir.” Jey looked at him with those pretty, expressive eyes, and Sami folded. He was only human and a weaker one than he had previously realized.

“Ok. Ok. But this isn’t you making it up to me. That already happened last night. This is…” Sami cast around desperately for a way to reframe the situation, but his brain wasn’t currently functioning at full capacity. “This is a reward for you taking your punishment so well.” Sami felt like a fraud. No matter what he said, this wasn’t about Jey and his pleasure, although the other man looked practically euphoric as Sami conceded to his request. This was about Sami physically connecting with Jey beyond a head on his shoulder, an arm around his waist, a desperate hug after a hard-fought match, or the soulless, empty moment they had shared in Jey’s hotel room back in June. This was about Sami’s needs.

Sami sat back against the wall, legs spread before him. Jey looked at him adoringly before crawling forward, lowering himself to his elbows, still clothed ass in the air, and mouthing kittenishly at Sami’s cock through his pants and boxers. Sami threw his head back, colliding with the wall. Jey sat back on his heels, looking concerned, and Sami laughed breathlessly.

“I’m fine, baby. Keep going.”

“Yes, sir,” Jey murmured before throwing himself wholeheartedly back into the task at hand.

Chapter Text

Jey was floating. He hadn’t even seen Sami’s cock yet, tasted it, felt it rub over his cheeks, through his lips, down his throat. But just being allowed to be with him like this, to hear his choked gasps and moans. Ecstasy. Pure ecstasy. He pulled at the offending clothing covering his prize but couldn’t take them off with Sami sitting. He couldn’t form words, so he settled for looking at his Master pleadingly.

Sami seemed to understand his plea and lifted his hips. Jey tore the sweats and boxers down, pooling them around Sami’s slightly bent knees. Finally, finally, he could see him, serve him, and belong to him. As desperate as he was to take Sami into his mouth, he couldn’t help but stare for a moment. It was his first time seeing Sami erect. Their sole previous encounter had been in the dark in more ways than one.  He was perfect, even better than Jey had fantasized. His cock was nearly as large as Roman’s, with a slight curve that made his vision white out for a moment when he remembered how it had felt rubbing inside him. His ears were ringing as he leaned forward, pressing a nigh-chaste kiss to his cock before taking him reverently into his mouth.

Sami moaned, low and rumbling, and the sound went directly to Jey’s core. Sami threaded his fingers into Jey’s hair but didn’t pull, didn’t push Jey down further on his cock until he was drooling and choking. Jey redoubled his efforts, feeling himself falling out of the hazy fog of fulfillment and worth that he only felt while pleasing Roman. No. Not Roman. Jey opened his eyes, trying to bring himself back to the present. He was here with Sami. He had been fantasizing about being in this position with the man before him for over a year, and now that he was here, he couldn’t stop thinking about the man who had left him. It was just like the first time. Why shouldn’t it be? Nothing had changed. Not really.

Jey could feel the tears rising in his eyes but didn’t think Sami could see them. He pressed forward, sliding Sami’s cock past the entrance to his throat, burrowing his nose in the coarse ginger hairs at the base. He smelled clean, but under the scent of soap was a musk that was undeniably Sami. Jey tried to let himself be consumed by it, but he was rapidly decompensating. He needed Sami to hit him, to choke him, to break him down into the inhuman object he was with his words, to do anything, not just sit there with his hand resting loosely in his hair.

Jey felt wild desperation. His skin felt like it wanted to crawl off his body, his heart beating rapidly enough for him to feel the pressure in his teeth. He let out one sob around Sami, and the vibration was enough to bring Sami to the brink. He pulled Jey off him, still so unsatisfyingly gently, and came with a groan, painting Jey’s chest and neck with his seed.

His satisfied expression turned to horror when he saw the familiar hollowness in Jey’s eyes. He glanced down. Jey was soft.

                  .

“Jey, what’s wrong?” Sami tucked himself away quickly.

“Nothing.” Jey’s voice sounded distant.

“Don’t lie to me!” Sami’s tone was commanding and desperate, and it seemed to bring Jey back to reality.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

Sami felt helpless. He hated how often he’d felt helpless lately. But at least Jey was here. He hadn’t run off this time. Sami didn’t know what was happening, but it felt like they were making progress.

“Are you ok alone?”

“Yeah. You gotta go anyway; show tonight.”

Sami reached for Jey, holding his head lightly in both hands. Jey burrowed into the touch, eyes closed. “Look at me.” Jey obeyed. “If you needed me to stay, I would stay. If they can cut matches last minute, I can call out.”

Jey was looking at him searchingly. Sami wished he could read his mind. He knew Jey wasn’t being totally honest with him. He knew he was holding back, and it was why he was taking things slowly, easing into this arrangement they had come to together. That, and the injuries.

“Nah. I’m good. You ain’t hafta miss the show and get in trouble with KO 'cause of me.”

“Ok. But if you needed me, I would.” Sami leaned forward, kissing Jey’s forehead. “I have another job for you.”

Jey looked at him eagerly, forehead smoothing from its strained position.

“You’re going to think about what happened here. And then you’re going to explain it to me when I get back. It doesn’t matter how. You can write it, record yourself speaking, or tell me in person. Whatever you prefer. But I don’t want to see or hear “nothing.” Do you understand?”

“Yessir.”

“Good boy.” Sami planted one last parting kiss on Jey’s head and was off, leaving Jey to mull over the task he had been assigned.

.

What had happened? Jey wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t know. To be more exact, he didn’t know what happened that he would be able to share with Sami. He had thought of Roman but didn’t want to tell Sami that. He had felt unwanted and undesirable when Sami hadn’t responded in the way he needed. But how could he say that to Sami? Sami had said he was a sadist. But Jey should have known that he didn’t have the innate cruelty that Roman so casually and effortlessly subjected him to and that Jey needed as much as food and water. He had Sami’s kind touch and gentle hands, and all they did was make him fidgety and restless, leaving him aching for more.

Everything Roman had said about him was true. He was repulsive, broken, and worthless. He had been right in thinking he didn’t deserve Sami. Now, he didn’t even have his career success to offer. Jey considered returning to Roman. He imagined walking to his room, throwing himself at his door, and begging him to reclaim Jey, this time not leaving until he let him in.  He wanted to plead with him and contort himself into whatever shape Roman wanted, be whatever it was his Chief desired him to be.

If he wanted him to service Heyman again, he would do it. If he wanted him to hurt his brother, his twin, half his soul, he would do it. It’s not like he hadn’t done it before. Anything to belong to the man once again. He would be free from this infuriating dance Sami was forcing him through and once again feel the comfort of being entirely, utterly owned. He was halfway to the door when he remembered his promise to Sami. Sweet, earnest, good Sami. He said he would talk things through with him, not retreat like a coward. But that’s what Jey really was.

However, he couldn’t do it. He remembered Sami’s pain-stricken face as he stood over Jey, battered and bruised, on Asher’s bed when he had closed his eyes and prayed he would never wake up again. He couldn’t see Sami make that face again. He couldn’t see him so broken because of Jey’s selfish, impulsive actions. So he laid on the bed, blank, crumpled piece of paper by his side, and drifted into an uneasy sleep.

                  .

Sami was exhausted, mentally and physically. His match and promos had been as grueling as ever, but he had been energized by the thought of returning to Jey. He had traveled most of his life, but the road had never truly felt like home. But thoughts of Jey were anxiety-tinged.

What wasn’t he telling Sami? He had been so eager, and then it was like a switch was flipped, and he was no longer there. Sami should have been more observant. He shouldn’t have been so consumed with his own pleasure, with the feeling of Jey’s impossibly soft lips wrapped around him, his warm tongue lapping at his shaft, the head of Sami's cock slipping down his throat.

Sami smoothed his hair down. He didn’t need to let his mind and body go down that particular memory trail right now. He listened at Jey’s door and heard nothing. He repressed the spark of fear. He was probably resting, which was the best thing for him right now. He needed to rest if he was going to heal. Sami quickly showered and changed into clean, comfortable clothes before slipping into Jey’s room.

He had been right. Jey was asleep on top of the covers, brow furrowed as if he was having a bad dream. Sami sat beside him on the bed, and Jey sprang up, immediately alert.

                  .

“How was the show?”

“Good. Kev and I had the dark match. We won, of course.” Jey’s lips quirked slightly, but Sami knew what he was actually waiting to hear. “Roman wasn’t there. Solo or Jimmy, either. But, apparently, Jimmy’ll be back next week.

Jey nodded, unable to name the emotions he was experiencing. Was he angry? Was he sad? He couldn’t organize his thoughts. Whenever he caught hold of one, another slipped out of his arms, and he dropped the newest one to chase it. The only thing he could actually place a label on was frustration. His very bones seemed to ache; he was tired and confused, and he wished he was still asleep. Sami cut into his thoughts.

“How about you, baby? Are you ready to share with me what happened this morning?”

Jey felt the tension growing within him snap like a log finally surrendering to consuming flames.

“Yeah. Nothing. Nothing happened. Except for me giving you head so good you was cumming in 3 minutes.” Jey jutted his chin out defiantly.

Sami’s expressions cycled quickly between surprise, anger, and finally, something resembling sadness that made a sick, heavy feeling settle in Jey’s gut. He had wanted fury and pain, not quiet sorrow. He couldn’t walk it back now. He would have to face the consequences of his actions, even if they weren’t the ones he had been hoping for.

                  .

Sami wondered if he was up for this. He wanted Jey so desperately, but trying to reach him was like trying to tame a wounded wild animal. He was always on the defensive, ready to protect himself and his own. And now, he seemed to be intentionally provoking Sami, trying to get him to hurt him. But Sami was supposed to be the one in charge here, with control over Jey that the man himself had granted. If he wasn’t going to speak of his own free will, Sami would just have to make him. And not in the way he wanted.

“I know you’re not stupid, Jey.”

Jey cocked his head.

“So why are you acting like a fucking idiot?”

Jey’s eyes went wide, then glassy. He stared at Sami dreamily as if he was reading him a love poem.

“Lie on the bed, now. On your back. Don’t say a word or move unless I ask you to.” Jey scrambled to obey, shimmying his shirt over his shoulders as he did so.

“No!” Sami barked out the word, smacking at the hand that was pulling at the shirt. It was only a light tap, but Jey groaned as if he had taken a kidney shot. “Leave your clothes on.” Jey obeyed, more hesitantly this time, and lay as Sami had commanded, hands fidgeting restlessly at his sides.

“So, my stubborn little puppy does know how to follow commands.”  Sami avoided looking directly at Jey, instead glancing at the walls and floor as if he were simply musing aloud to himself. Jey had been breathing hard from the word “my.” “He just chooses not to. I guess he didn’t really mean what he said. I guess he doesn’t want to be my little bitch.” Sami tried to inject every ounce of disdain he could into the statement, and it seemed to land, judging by the slight, hurt sound of disagreement Jey made. Sami continued.

“There’s a bunch of strays I could pick up, but none of them are as pretty as this one.” Jey hummed, eyes closed, face contorted. “But they probably listen a hell of a lot better.” Jey’s eyes snapped open, protest evident. But he stayed silent, as Sami had ordered. Sami felt a thrum of pride but kept it from showing.  He stalked around the bed and watched as Jey’s eyes tracked him. He was unmoving except for his shifting gaze and hands that were now kneading the bedsheet in an effort to maintain his stillness.

“This one plays stupid, disobeys commands, and can’t remember simple tasks. He should probably be locked in a crate while he’s in the room alone so he doesn’t piss on the carpet.”

A light sheen of sweat glistened on Jey’s forehead, and Sami granted himself the small indulgence of wiping it gently, playing it off by shaking his hand in disgust after. His erection had been steadily growing, but the mixed fear and arousal in Jey’s eyes as his hand approached his face was enough to bring him to full hardness. He squeezed himself once, twice, before continuing.

“In fact, I don’t think I want him close to me until he shows me I can trust him. He might bite me. You never know what an untrained, feral bitch is capable of.”

Jey’s eyes were glistening with unshed tears.

“But he really is gorgeous.” Sami finally looked Jey fully in the eyes. “What a waste.” He tutted softly, exaggeratedly tracing the lines of Jey’s clothed body with his gaze. “If only his behavior matched his looks, he’d be perfect.” Jey turned his head, avoiding Sami’s derisive stare.

“I might as well enjoy his pretty little body even if his attitude is rotten.” Jey gave a small, tight nod. Sami could see the relaxation of his previously tightly clenched jaw, the way his hands loosened. He had to suppress the smile he could feel turning the corners of his mouth. He kicked off his pants and boxers and pulled his shirt over his head, and Jey’s face smoothed even further, body relaxing several more degrees. Sami approached the bed, and Jey scrambled to his knees, reaching for Sami’s cock, which was currently smearing his soft belly with precum. Sami stepped back, cock bobbing inches from Jey’s face.

“Still playing dumb.” The disgust in Sami’s voice and expression was enough to stop Jey cold, hand in the air, and guilt written across his face like he had been caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar.

“Did I ask you to move? Answer me.”

“N-no, sir,” Jey whispered.

“Then why did you think you could try and touch me. Speak.”

“Cuz I don’t listen. Cuz I’m a stupid, worthless bitch.”

Sami grabbed Jey by the long curls that framed the back of his head and yanked him forward. “Did I say you were worthless, pet?” His voice was low, dangerous.

Jey shook his head, eyes narrowed with pain.

“You just need to learn how to use those ears of yours, baby. That’ll take you a long way. Now, lie down.” Sami released Jey, and he unsteadily re-positioned himself on his back. Sami glanced around. This next part was going to take a little technical finesse and stagecraft, but if there was one thing Sami excelled at, it was putting on a show.

Chapter Text

Jey was in agony. Sami’s potent mix of backhanded compliments and degrading insults had him hard and leaking almost immediately. But Sami wasn’t touching Jey or allowing Jey to serve him. The strain of his hair being pulled lasted far too short a time, and then he was back to lying silently, achingly alone, as Sami prowled around the room. He wanted, no, NEEDED, to touch Sami. But he could be good.

And Sami was right. He had intentionally disobeyed him and had intentionally disrespected him in the hopes of getting what he wanted. He had never done that to Roman. Jey bit his lip hard. He shouldn’t be thinking about Roman right now. In a flash, there were calloused fingers pressing between his lips. He opened his mouth instinctually, and they slid over his tongue, tasting of salt and soap.

“No! I give you pain. I give you pleasure.” Jey could barely focus on what Sami was saying, laving at the fingers in his mouth with his tongue. The hand withdrew, and Jey whined at the loss.

“Look at me.” Sami had moved to sit on the desk across from the bed, one leg dangling off the edge and the other hiked up on the desktop. His cock stood tall and proud between his spread legs. “Until I can trust you, I’ll just have to take care of myself.” Sami proceeded to stroke himself with long, flowing motions that were more for show than pleasure and breathy moans and gasps that would make a porn star proud.

He kept his eyes open just the smallest bit, just enough to where he could see Jey through his lashes but not enough to where Jey could tell he was watching him. Jey was shaking. His breaths were coming in rattling, choked intervals, and he looked like he was about to burst. Sami slowed his strokes with a theatrical groan.

“But if you can speak with me honestly, maybe that will prove your trustworthiness, and I can let you help.”

Sami opened his eyes fully. The signs of Jey’s internal battle were playing out across his rigid body and tear-filled eyes. The obstinate defiance from earlier in the evening was gone, replaced with something that looked closer to fear. Sami encircled the base of his cock tightly with one hand. He was close to his climax; the realization that Jey was obeying him, lying still on the bed at Sami’s command despite the obvious torment it was putting him through, was close to pushing him over the edge. And that wouldn’t do, not yet. Jey was shaking his head, tears finally spilling from his eyes and streaking glistening trails down his cheeks.

“I guess not.”  Sami went to his discarded clothing and began to dress himself. “I’ll see you in the morning, pet.”

“No!” Sami stopped; boxers pulled halfway up his thighs. “Please, Sami. Please, sir. Don’t go.”

“Then talk.”

“I – was thinking ‘bout Joe. This morning.” Sami felt himself wilt inwardly. Jey seemed to be searching for any marks of distress on Sami’s face, so he carefully moderated his facial expression, seemingly successfully judging by Jey’s continuing. “And how what we was doing was different.”

“Different how, baby?” Sami was sitting on the bed, clothes once again forgotten on the floor. He gently uncurled Jey’s hand from where it had been fisted into the blankets.

“Like that.” Jey turned his head. Sami firmly grasped his chin and turned him back to face him.

“Be clear, or I’m going to my own room for the night, Jey.”

Panic flared in Jey’s eyes. “All soft and gentle. It’s fine, but it’s not what I need. It’s not what I had with Roman.” He looked ashamed as he forced himself to hold Sami’s gaze.

Sami felt torn. A part of him felt attacked, like he had been called inferior to the bastard who had left Jey for dead and then spent the last three months putting him through hell. The other, wiser part was happy. He knew this wasn’t easy for him to say. He wanted to please Sami, so of course, he wouldn’t speak up about how Sami was falling short in a way that he might perceive as criticism. He knew he had probably never spoken this way to Roman, always fearing reprisal, and the one time he did stand up for himself against his Chief, he was abandoned. Now that Sami knew this, he at least had a little clearer idea of how to move forward. Sami realized he needed to say something when he saw that Jey was looking at him with nothing short of terror.

“There we go, baby! I’m so, so proud of you!” He fiercely kissed the hand he was still holding, and Jey broke down into heaving, broken sobs, each one sounding like it was being ripped from deep within him.

“You did so well; I think that deserves a reward.” Jey’s face was covered in mucus and tears, the skin exposed by his beard mottled and tearstained. Sami had never seen anyone more beautiful. Sami wiped at Jey’s face with a washcloth he had previously laid out on the bedside table, then dragged him to the edge of the bed, being careful of his wounds. He positioned Jey with his head nearly hanging off the bed and entered his mouth with no warning.

                  .

This was nothing like the lukewarm, frustrating experience of this morning. It was nothing like their first time, where Jey had felt alone in the room even as Sami was inside of him. Sami was fucking Jey’s throat, hips pistoning with a punishing rhythm that seemed to knock the air from Jey’s lungs with each thrust. He breathed through his nose, hearing the gasps being punched from him and feeling drool seep around the thick cock forcing its way into him. He was in heaven.

He couldn’t see Sami clearly, his vision obscured by his Master’s dick, but he could tell he was pleased. He knew he was serving him well. Sami wanted him. Sami was claiming him as his own. Jey didn’t have to think and choose and fuck things up with his idiotic decisions. All he had to do was lie here and be a warm, wet hole for Sami to take his release and pleasure from. Jey closed his eyes, letting himself be cocooned in his Master’s hand resting on his throat, his Master’s cock cutting off his air supply, the primal grunts and moans he was drawing from his Master’s lips.

Sami came buried deep inside Jey, Jey’s throat spasming as he desperately tried to swallow his seed. He thought he could feel it settle hot and heavy in his gut, and he moaned in ecstasy, the sound breaking off into a gasp when a warm, slick hand settled on his cock. It only took a few strokes before he was also cumming, ears ringing and vision blinking in and out. He felt Sami pulling and pushing him further onto the bed and crawling in beside him, pulling the comforter over them. Jey curled in close, pillowing his head on Sami’s fuzzy chest. He could feel it rise and fall with Sami’s rapid breaths. Jey could stay here forever, held in Sami’s arms.

Or so he thought. The longer he remained in this position, cradled tenderly by Sami’s side and hearing his breathing and heartbeat slow, the more he felt the increasingly familiar tension rising within him. It was like his skin was full of a low electrical current, and his hair was standing on end. His lungs felt like there was a lid halfway through them, not allowing him to take in a full breath of air. Jey tried to settle himself. What the fuck was wrong with him? Sami had given him what he wanted, right? Jey wanted to talk to Sami about this aching restlessness. He knew that’s what Sami would want, but he didn’t know what to say. How could he talk about what was wrong when he himself didn’t know?

He was broken, and that was the long and short of it. All he had ever achieved on his own was failure. He had failed his family and then ran away. Failing Sami as well was inevitable. After all, what did he really contribute, at this point? All he really had to offer was his body, his service, and Sami didn’t need a worthless, broken, twisted-up thing like him. He wanted to leave, the gentle arm around him feeling like it was leaching toxins into him. No, like he was poisoning Sami simply by being in contact with him. He pulled away. Sami looked at him, affection evident in his eyes. Jey turned away.

“Where are you going, baby?”

Jey didn’t look at him as he responded, “Gonna shower.”

“Want me to join you?” Jey did want that. But he knew he couldn’t have it, didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve anything soft or sweet or gentle. He knew if he spoke, his trembling voice would betray him, and they’d have to Talk About This, which was apparently Sami’s favorite pastime. He shook his head and walked hurriedly to the bathroom, barely getting the water started before he broke into sobs, hoping the hiss was enough to mask the sound.

He imagined Roman bursting into the room, ripping him from the shower, still wet and dripping, and hauling him into the bedroom. He imagined him throwing him to the floor, berating him for his pathetic self-pity, and beating him bloody before leaving him on the floor in a heap, going to sleep on the bed above him while Jey cowered on the floor, grateful that his cousin had allowed him to remain in the room with him. The thought felt comforting, and he nearly vomited. When he was with Roman, he had fantasized about Sami. Now that he was Sami’s, he was fantasizing about Roman.

Jey turned the hot water off, feeling the freezing cold spray that remained hit him like a wave of absolution. He forced himself to stand under the stream for a few seconds before dropping to his knees, a pantomime of Roman’s last punishment. He needed to be punished. He needed and welcomed the cleansing sting of the icy water. He didn’t know how long he remained kneeling there, head raised to the heavens so he could feel his hot tears being washed away, but eventually, he heard a knock at the door and scrambled to his feet, guiltily turning off the water.

“You good, Jey?” Sami’s voice sounded worried

“Yeah.” He dried himself quickly, then left the bathroom, avoiding Sami’s eyes as he grabbed a random assortment of clothes from his suitcase and dressed. He could feel Sami watching him but didn’t look his way. When Sami finally exited the bathroom following his own shower, Jey was lying on the couch, eyes closed and breaths even. He wasn’t asleep, but he hoped his display was convincing. Sami sighed before dragging the comforter off the bed and draping it over Jey. It felt like torture to Jey to remain lying there, not to open his eyes and lay by Sami’s side. He wouldn’t even have to beg him or earn it. Sami would just let him, despite his unworthiness. And that was precisely why he had to remain still, as difficult as it was.

Chapter Text

“I don’t know where I’m fucking up, Kev.” Jey was quiet and reserved the following morning, answering Sami with one-word replies and avoiding eye contact.  Sami had approached Kevin after the Saturday house show and asked if he could hitch a ride back to their hotel. Kevin had halfheartedly objected, but Sami had prevailed in the end.

“I can think of at least ten areas; you’re gonna have to be more specific, bud.”

“With Jey.” Kevin groaned.

“Judging by what I heard coming from your room last night, it seems like you two are doing just fine.”  Sami didn’t blush. He didn’t.

“You’re an asshole.”

“But no denial. C’mon, lay it on me. What’s happening with you and Jey?”

“I don’t know, that’s the problem. He doesn’t want to talk to me. I spent all day yesterday trying to get him to tell me what was wrong. Then, I thought we had worked it out, but he started getting distant again. Every time I think we’re making progress, he steps back. I don’t know what to do.”

They were stopped at a red light, and Kevin was regarding Sami, eyes narrowed.

“Since you’re not talking about all the very obvious things that could possibly be wrong with Jey right now, I’m guessing you’re talking about something besides his 2-second notice. So what was wrong? You got him to talk; what’d he say?”

“That – that I wasn’t being… rough enough.” Sami couldn’t deny the blush this time, not even to himself.

“Hmm, and is rough something you two have talked about?” Sami silently thanked Kevin for holding back whatever mocking comments he knew had sprung to his mind.

“Yeah, he said he wanted bondage, and impact, and punishment. That he wanted me to make sure he stays out of trouble.” Sami gritted his teeth, remembering how he had felt when he heard Jey parroting Roman's words he had written in his journal about needing a firm hand to keep him in line. The light turned, and their drive continued.

“And how do you feel about that?” Kevin was still miraculously avoiding any scathing comments.

“I… wouldn’t be opposed.”  Kevin’s eyebrow lifted skeptically. “Ok, I would be pretty open to it. But if he won’t be honest with me in regular conversations, how can I trust he’ll tell me when something is wrong in a scene? Besides, he still isn’t 100%. How can I do anything that might cause harm right now? I mean, I do my best to keep things safe, but there’s always the chance something can go wrong, especially if he isn’t communicating.” Sami pushed his hair out of his face frustratedly. Kevin didn’t respond right away, seemingly gathering his thoughts.

“Have you tried telling him that? Because it sounds to me like you agreed to things that you haven’t followed through on.”

Sami breathed through the initial flare of defensiveness. “I dunno. Explaining feels like it weakens my… my authority.” Sami rolled his eyes preemptively, prepared for Kevin’s retort.

Kevin snorted with obvious derision. “So, he has to talk with you, but you don’t have to do the same for him? That’s an interesting way to communicate.”

Sami chuckled ruefully, letting his head fall back on the headrest. “Yeah. You’ve got a point. I’ll talk to him.” They were nearly to the hotel.

“Thanks, Kev.” Sami was genuinely grateful. It helped to have someone he could bounce these ideas off of and untangle the web of thoughts running through his mind.

“Yeah, if you’re so thankful, how about you try to keep things down next time so everyone in the hall can actually get some sleep?

Sami slapped Kevin’s thigh, none too gently, and didn’t miss the mischievous glint in his eye. Fuck, he loved Kevin, and even if the “with benefits’’ portion of their friendship had been abandoned for now, he wouldn’t trade their relationship for any amount of money or prestige.

Sami found Jey in the hotel gym, working with a physical therapist on rehabilitation exercises. He waved hello to both of them, then walked back up to his room slowly. Kevin was right. Jey had told Sami what he wanted, and Sami hadn’t given it to him, which was his prerogative. But at the same time, he could at least explain to him why. He wondered if Jey had felt unheard and disrespected. A thought struck him, and he hurried to the gift shop on the hotel's ground floor. He wasn’t entirely satisfied with their offerings,  but it would have to do for now.

When Jey arrived at Sami’s room, sweaty and seeming somewhat less anxious, Sami was waiting for him. They exchanged small talk, and Sami could see the tension building in Jey. His motions grew stiffer as if his muscles were clenching, and he flinched with every move Sami made. He bathed quickly and then stood uncertainly in the bathroom doorway, curls still damp and towel slung low over his hips.

“Come sit with me.” Sami patted the couch beside him. Jey glanced at the floor at his feet, and Sami was hit with a flash of understanding. “Unless you’d like to sit on the floor. Or kneel,” he added.

Jey looked grateful and seemed to relax a minuscule amount as he gracefully lowered himself to the floor. The towel pooled under his knees, providing a cushion, and he looked up at Sami expectantly.  Sami thought of every disgusting food he had ever tried in an attempt to quiet his growing arousal. It wasn’t much help.

“I wanted to talk to you, pet.”

Jey’s expression was almost petulant, but he nodded in agreement.

“I don’t feel the need to explain my decisions to you, but in the interest of clarity and open communication, I wanted to discuss this with you. I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to do too much impact or bondage until you’re fully cleared. It’s not worth it if it would set your recovery back.”  Sami thought he saw a shift in Jey’s jaw as if his lover was actually biting his tongue to prevent himself from arguing.

“However.” Sami let the word hang in the air. “You do need to be punished for your actions yesterday. I found two themes in the list you wrote for me. Disrespect and danger. I will provide you with punishments and corrections when you disrespect me, including intentional disobedience or dishonesty. The same goes for if you put yourself in danger or fail to follow any rules we collaboratively agree on. I think the best practice is to punish directly following the action that necessitated the punishment, but these are special circumstances. I have plans for you when you’re cleared, Jey.”

“Thank you, sir.” Jey pressed a kiss on Sami’s clothed inner thigh, and Sami felt as if his heart was going to explode.

“Until then.” Jey looked up, eyes wide. He was adorable.

“I have a task for you.” He reached for the bag from the hotel gift shop, and Jey watched him warily. Sami withdrew a white spiral-bound notebook with the hotel logo monogrammed in the bottom right corner. “You’re going to keep a daily journal. You can write things you want to be private on the front of each page. I won’t read it. But I expect you to write something for me on the back. Even if it’s just a few sentences, you will write something you want me to know.”

“You won’t be punished or corrected for anything you write, even if it’s something you feel is disrespectful. I want to know what’s happening. I want to know what’s working for you and what isn’t, and apparently, that’s difficult for you to communicate verbally. That’s fine,” Sami hastened to add as he saw Jey curl into himself. “I’m not angry or disappointed with you because of it. I just want to try this out and see if it makes things any easier.”

Jey accepted the notebook when Sami handed it to him, turning it over in his hands and flipping through the pages. “I can do that.”

“I know you can.” Sami ruffled a hand in Jey’s hair, and Jey leaned into the touch. “What a good puppy.” Jey tried to burrow between Sami’s legs but was stopped by Sami’s hand fisted in his curls.

“We’re not done talking, greedy pup.” The mixture of affection and disdain in Sami’s voice seemed to affect Jey, judging by his quivering legs. “What happened last night? You have two options this time. You can write it in your journal. Tonight. And I’ll read it after. Or you can tell me now.”

.

Jey was overwhelmed. He didn’t want to talk anymore. He wanted to serve Sami, to be his good bitch, and roll over for his use. And as much as he didn’t want to talk about what had happened, he did want to get it out of the way so he could touch the beautiful man so tantalizingly close to him.

“I was thinkin’ bou’ Roman,” he admitted, tongue feeling thick, mouth dry. “And what he woulda done to me if he seen how I was acting.”

“Thinking about him, how?” Sami’s voice wasn’t unkind, but it sounded condemning to Jey.

“Just…” Jey shook his head, trying to clear it of the lust that was preventing him from thinking clearly. “Thinking about how I miss consequences. I been feelin jumpy cuz I’m waiting for you to punish me. I know I deserve it, but it hasn’t come. And I used to have a routine. I went to Joe’s when he was home on the weekend, and he gave me the punishment I deserved. If I fucked up real bad, he would come right to me, like when you found me. But I knew it was coming, even if I didn’t know exactly what or when. But with you, I just been waiting and waiting, and nothing ever happens, and I’m always on fucking edge, Sami!”

Jey was breathing hard by the time he finished, feeling drained. He couldn’t make himself look at Sami. He imagined what would happen if he spoke to Roman this way. Pain, humiliation, degradation. Sami would just look at him with that sad, disappointed look on his face that wounded Jey in the most unsatisfying, empty way he had ever experienced.

“Thank you, Jey.” He didn’t sound disappointed, but Jey didn’t look up. “You’re being brave, you know.” Jey didn’t feel brave. Jey felt terrified. The only man who could beat the terror out of him had abandoned him, and then Jey left in turn through his treachery, and now he was hurting Sami by telling him the ways he was falling short through no fault of his own. He just wasn’t twisted and dirty like Jey was. Roman had degraded himself by giving someone as worthless as Jey what he needed. Why would he expect someone like Sami to do the same?

“What do you need from me to feel better, baby?”

Jey finally looked up. Sami’s expression was flat, inscrutable. His hand was still in his hair, scratching gently at his scalp.

“Hurt me, sir. Please.” Jey could feel tears rising in his eyes. He was weak. Not physically, but mentally. Emotionally. It was true what everyone said; he was hot-headed and made stupid decisions led by flash-in-the-pan emotions rather than reason. He had always been this way, which is why he needed someone to guide him. To dominate him.

“You remember what to say to make things stop, pet?”

Jey nodded slowly, not daring to hope for what he thought was coming next.

“Good.” Sami’s honey-brown eyes were cold. His grip on Jey’s hair tightened, and Jey had to force himself not to put a hand up to protect himself as he felt a few strands separate from his scalp at the base. “Lie down on the floor. On your stomach, hands above your head.” Jey stared at him mutely, arousal, fear, and a deep sense of relief overwhelming him. “Hurry!” Sami slapped Jey hard when he didn’t immediately obey, and Jey rectified the situation, practically throwing himself into the position Sami had ordered him into. He was shaking, the tears that had been forming smearing against his cheek where it rested on the carpet, his hard cock pressing painfully into the floor. It was the most peaceful he had felt since Roman had left him.

                  .

Sami didn’t know if he was going to regret this. Sami didn’t really want to think right now. The sight of Jey quivering on the floor before him, waiting obediently for whatever Sami saw fit to subject him to, was the most potent aphrodisiac he had ever tasted. He had chosen this position because Jey’s back had been relatively untouched by that bastard in the previous city. He could give Jey the pain and discipline he needed without setting back his recovery. He hoped.

“You’re a real glutton for punishment, aren’t you?” Sami placed a still-booted foot on Jey’s back. The sight of the shiny black leather on Jey’s beautiful skin went straight to his cock. “Answer me when I ask you a question, mutt!” He pressed down slightly, emboldened by Jey’s moan of pure desire.

“Yes, sir.” Jey wheezed. Sami lifted his boot and walked to the side of Jey, squatting before him and tilting his head up at an awkward angle. Jey’s face was red, pupils dilated.

“I told you I would punish you when you recovered, but that wasn’t enough for you, was it?”

“No, sir.” Jey’s blush grew impossibly deeper.

“You needed me to hurt you now because you’re a desperate, needy bitch who’s perpetually in heat. Isn’t that right? Poor slut.” Sami crooned the last insult with mock compassion. He slapped Jey again when he said nothing. “I asked you a question!”

Jey seemed to be in a haze. His eyes were glassy, mouth slightly open. His brow was furrowed as if trying to think of what he’d been asked.

“Umm, yes sir, no sir, I’m sorry, sir.” He blinked, and some clarity seemed to return to his gaze.

Sami stood again, dropping Jey’s head back to the floor as he did so.

“I was going to punish you for breaking the first rule we ever established multiple times. You said you would talk to me, but instead, you keep things locked up in that pretty little head of yours.” Sami nudged Jey’s head with the heel of his boot. “And I’m still going to punish you for that. But now I have to add not responding to my questions, even with a warning. Keep on acting like a brat, and I’ll add more.”

Jey seemed to take issue with this statement but didn’t argue. Sami took a moment to look at him. Hands still clasped over his head. Cheek red from the latest slap. Strong, inked back rising with each labored breath. Sami wanted to fuck him into the floor until he screamed. But Jey needed pain first. Sami could give him that.

“Don’t move.”

“Yes, sir,” Jey breathed. Sami moved to his suitcase and struggled to get to the black satin bag filled with newly purchased items. He had made a stop at a sex shop, praying that no pictures would be taken and spread across the internet. So far, so good. He had wanted practice before he risked using these implements on Jey, but apparently, Jey couldn’t wait. He searched for one he felt comfortable with, an unassuming leather tawse with a wood-carved handle and three split tongues. He enjoyed its feel in his hand and knew, despite its tame appearance, that its sting was wicked.

He swung it a couple of times, testing his aim on a pillow.  With dark satisfaction, he noted the way Jey jumped with each smack of the tawse on the soft pillow. He stalked over to Jey and threw it to the ground in front of his face. Jey flinched, breath quickening further.

“I’m not going to tell you how many lashes you’re getting. I’m going to beat you until I think you’ve learned your lesson. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir, thank you, sir!” Jey’s voice was full of gratitude, which was even more sickly arousing for Sami. Jey was practically purring at the thought of Sami hurting him. He was so perfect, and the only thing Sami had to do was give in to his base desires and Not. Fuck. This. Up.

Sami ran his hand over Jey’s back, feeling the muscles working under his clammy skin. He wanted to trace the lines of his tattoo, massage him, and worship him. But that could come later. He rubbed his back briskly, trying to warm up the skin. He followed the rubbing with light smacks, sensitizing the flesh to the sensation and gradually increasing the intensity until Jey was jerking with each strike.

“We’re just beginning, and you’re already shaking like a leaf. I don’t know if you really want this, baby.”

“I do, I do!” Jey twisted around, eyes wild. “Please, sir, please hurt me. Please, I need it. I need you, Sami, please!”

Sami could listen to Jey beg him for hours, but it wouldn’t be fair to the man who was being so good and pliant beneath him.

“Fine. Since you begged so pretty, go lie on the bed. Now. Same position, but hold onto the headboard, and don’t let go until I tell you.”

Jey tried shakily to rise, but Sami pushed him back onto his stomach.

“Dogs don’t walk on two legs, pet.”

Jey let out a high-pitched whine that was the most beautiful sound Sami had ever heard and got on all fours, crawling to the bed. He dragged himself onto it, lying on his stomach and holding onto the edges of the headboard.

“What a good boy!” Sami crowed, resuming his teasing strokes to Jey’s bare back. The towel had long since been abandoned, and Jey was fully nude before the entirely clothed Sami. He retrieved the tawse.

“I’m going to start. Keep in position, or you might get hurt. If you can’t hold position, I’ll have to stop.”

“Can’t you tie me, sir?”

“Not this time. If you can prove to me that you can be good now, maybe next time.” Sami couldn’t admit that he was as ravenous to give Jey pain as Jey was to receive it. He could no more delay himself from seeing the tawse bite into Jey’s flesh than stop his heart from beating.

Without any more warning, Sami brought the implement down with full force. Jey jerked as if he’d been electrocuted but stayed mostly quiet, apart from a whimper that was swallowed by the pillow he had buried his face in. Sami felt crazed. He needed to hear more of Jey’s sounds. He needed his moans and cries.

He brought down the tawse several times in quick succession, intentionally hitting the unmarked meat of his ass. He needed to see how Jey’s skin responded to the implement before moving to his back, where the dark ink would camouflage marks. Jey’s ass jiggled with the impact, and Sami had to stop for a moment to roughly knead a handful in his free hand with a groan. Seeing his handprint on Jey’s smooth skin almost brought him to his knees. He shook himself. Jey needed him focused and keyed in. He slightly lessened the force behind the blows, noting how rapidly Jey’s skin reddened at the previous level of impact, and moved to his upper back and shoulders, careful to avoid his spine.

Jey was still silent, but from his gasping breaths, Sami could tell he was crying. The feral, hungry beast within Sami that was so carefully caged for so long, only allowed to glimpse the outside world on occasion, was awakening, and he didn’t think the bars of social decorum he had built around it would hold. He let himself fall into the rhythm of the strokes, the sound of the tool, which was practically an extension of his hand striking Jey’s toned body, the look of it upon impact, the choked-off sobs Jey was so desperately trying to hide from him. Sami needed to see this beautiful man fall apart. This pitiful attempt at hiding himself and holding himself back from Sami was unacceptable.

He moved back, body shaking, and took a second to calm himself. He didn’t want his voice to tremble when he spoke.

“Turn over, baby.” His voice sounded authoritative even to his own ears.

Jey obeyed, hissing when his tenderized ass and shoulders touched the sheets. Just as Sami thought, his face was covered with tears, more falling from his eyes. He thought he could physically feel his restraint crumble within his gut as he smiled widely, wickedly, at his prey.

.

Jey shifted on the sheets, squirming beneath Sami’s gaze. They had previously felt like average hotel fare. Nothing special, but not particularly uncomfortable. Now, it felt like sandpaper. He lifted his hips slightly, which just applied more pressure to his shoulders. He lowered himself gingerly so his weight was evenly distributed and looked at Sami with a medley of fear, awe, and deep appreciation.

Roman had whipped him countless times with countless implements. But it had never felt like this. Roman punished him in anger, his erratic strokes coming hard and fast, leaving marks and pain in random patterns as his cousin took out his aggression and frustration on his willing victim. This flogging was different. Sami was being methodical, layering the blows in the same spot until Jey thought he could no longer take it and would scream, beg, or ask for a kiss. And then he’d move to a fresh spot, the sore skin left behind throbbing. His whole back and ass felt like they were on fire, and now he was lying face up, waiting for what Sami would do to him next.

“You’re so brave, baby.” Jey sobbed, trying to turn his head to hide the new torrent of tears. Sami straddled his chest, a knee on each side of his torso, and held his head straight between both hands, facing Sami. There was no escape, but for the first time since Roman had tried to share him with the Wiseman, Jey didn’t feel like he needed to escape. He was in his place, his proper place. “So strong.” Jey shook his head. Sami was repeating the lies he had written in the letter that Jey had practically memorized. Sami was lying to him; he was weak. He ruined everything he touched; he was worthless.

“No!” Jey jumped at an unexpected sharp pinch to his bicep. He almost let go of the headboard from his shock but managed to hold on.

“You’re not worthless. You’re worth so much, Jey.” Jey looked at Sami quizzically before realizing he must have spoken his thoughts aloud in his pain and arousal-addled state.

“Say it, pet. Tell me you’re strong. Tell me you’re brave.”

“Can’t.” He was surprised he was actually able to talk. “Can’ lie to you, its one of your rules, ‘member?”

Sami took a deep breath as if he was struggling to control himself. It scared Jey nearly as much as it excited him.

“Such a stubborn bitch. But you can learn. I know it. I’ve seen it. I just have to train you right.”

Sami clambered off of Jey. “Stay.”

Jey nodded. He wasn’t planning to go anywhere.

He heard Sami rummaging in his bag, the sound of rustling plastic, and then running water. Finally, he was back. His hair was pulled into a hastily braided ponytail, and he was carrying a bundle wrapped in blue cotton cloth. He unfurled it in Jey’s view on the bedside table, and Jey looked over curiously. There were alcohol wipes, bandages, skin tape, and various items encased in plastic and paper. Jey could feel delicious fear licking at his body, magnified when Sami slowly picked up one of the packets of alcohol wipes and ripped it open, swiping it across Jey’s heaving belly. Jey shrunk away from the cold sensation.

“Apparently, you have an affinity for the written word. Such a smart puppy. If you won’t listen to what I tell you, maybe you’ll internalize what you read.” Jey was breathing even more rapidly. Sami paused for a moment.

“Shh, breathe, baby, nice and slow, with me.” Sami held a hand to Jey’s chest, letting it rise and fall with his slow, deep breaths that Jey mirrored with some difficulty. He did need to calm down. He didn’t want to hyperventilate, pass out, and miss what his Master had planned for him. Although a small, cowardly part of him said that, maybe he did. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to take what Sami was going to do to him, and the man would see that he really was weak and useless, despite what he seemed to believe. Once Sami seemed satisfied with the cleanliness of Jey’s stomach, he turned to the table, retrieved one of the sealed packages, and opened it, revealing a glistening scalpel. Jey actually let out a whimper of fear.

“Remember that you can make me stop at any time, Jey, and I won’t be mad, sad, or disappointed. I’ll be happy that you asserted your limits and boundaries.”

Liar. No one would be happy if their worthless dog were also disobedient and selfish, thinking of its own needs instead of its Master’s. But that’s not what Sami wanted to hear. Jey nodded once.

“Good boy.”

.

Sami approached Jey, drawing the blade of the scalpel across his taut, tawny skin, which jerked and twitched with each light point of contact. He had bought these tools specifically after seeing the word that had been etched into Jey’s skin. He had been planning this scene but had expected it to come in the future, maybe after their agreed-upon trial period when Sami had more experience. But Jey needed it now. Or at least that’s what Sami told himself, beating back the scornful voice in his head that was saying Sami was doing this because of a selfish desire to see Jey bleeding and marked by his own hands. He stepped back, taking a moment to soak in the view.

Jey was shivering as if he had been doused in freezing water. His face was pale, and cock was so achingly hard that Sami almost felt pity for him. Almost. He felt a surge of possessive need rush through him at the sight of his boy trembling in every limb but otherwise staying so still just because that was what Sami had asked of him. He imagined carving his own name into Jey’s skin, seeing him marked as Sami’s possession every time he fucked him. The scalpel was halfway to Jey’s abdomen before he got control of himself.

What the fuck was wrong with him? He needed to be in control right now. He knew very well that the margin for error when using a tool intended to slice through muscle like butter was nigh nonexistent. He had to calm the fuck down right now or call off the scene, which wasn’t what he wanted. Or, what Jey wanted, judging from how his wide eyes were looking at the scalpel with a mixture of fear and unbridled arousal.

Sami closed his eyes, taking several deep, settling breaths. When he opened them again, it was as if his vision had cleared. He set the scalpel to Jey’s skin and, with pressure only a hair more than when he had been tracing the path he wanted to take, began to cut.

.

Jey was in ecstasy. He felt the sharp blade pierce his skin as easily as scissors gliding through wrapping paper and moaned. He didn’t know what he was trying to express, but there was some sort of message behind it. With his right hand, he let go of the headboard and fumbled around blindly. Sami stopped, alert.

“What’s wrong, baby? If you can’t stay still, I have to stop.”

“N-nos’r.” Jey slurred. His mouth felt like it had been filled with cotton. “Wanna touch you, please.” Sami paused as if considering whether to grant Jey’s request.

“Alright. But you have to stay still, ok?

“Yessir.” Jey placed a hand on Sami’s flank, grounding himself. He could do this.

“You can do this, pet.” Jey looked up in surprise. Roman couldn’t read his mind, but maybe Sami could. No. No, he couldn’t. Or he would have abandoned Jey long ago. Jey whimpered as he felt the sharp blade make another cut. He looked down, trying to see what Sami was doing. He recognized the shape. A “W.” He went cold, and his hand dropped from its hold on Sami. Sami looked at him warningly, and Jey placed his hand back on the headboard.

“’m sorry, sir. Won’t happen again.” The most sickening part of watching Sami carve the word into his stomach was that it just made him, impossibly, harder. He saw slashes turn into an O, then an R. The T wasn’t too bad, just two quick, perpendicular lines. He couldn’t watch the rest. Jey closed his eyes and wept silently. He knew he was worthless, and knowing that Sami was reopening this wound, scarring him forever with an outward sign to the world of who Jey Uso, Joshua Fatu, really was, gave him a sense of relief as well as unparalleled grief.

He didn’t know what he was grieving. The fact that Sami knew what he was just as surely as Roman had? Some comfort existed there. Sami had seen Jey for the useless, broken, disgusting thing he really was, but he was still here with him. He hadn’t abandoned him. Yet. Or was it a response to the part of his mind that was whispering beneath the burning pain and jolts of pleasure that this was past the limits he had set about permanent marks and that, of course, Sami wouldn’t have allowed Jey to limit him and he was idiotic to think he would have? Why would he? Jey didn’t deserve limits or boundaries. But that’s not what Sami had told him.

“Hey, I’m here with you, baby.” Sami’s voice was low and calm. Jey forced himself to open his eyes but didn’t look at what Sami was doing to him. Instead, he looked at his eyes. He was entirely focused on his work. He paused to squeeze Jey’s hand with his free one, and Jey sank into the sensation with a wail.

“You can do this, Jey; I know you can. And if not, you know what to say. You’re being so brave, pet, so brave, and I’m so proud of you.”

Jey turned his head. As much as the words felt like a warm blanket being draped over his soul, they also felt like fire licking at his heels. He remembered Roman being warm and soft before walking out the door. He remembered everything he had done since then: fighting his brothers, challenging Roman, trying to make his own way, and falling short every time. Proving himself to be exactly what Sami was carving into his skin. So even as he felt Sami continue to scar him with an outward sign of his fundamental lack of worth, he stayed silent and compliant under his hands.

.

Jey had gone still and pliant under Sami’s hands. His breathing had slowed, and he was pale. Sami avoided the concern and regret that was creeping into his mind. He couldn’t stop now. If he did, it would be a waste, probably worsening things and lessening Jey’s trust in him even further. He was nearly done, anyway.  He put the finishing touches on the last letter and then stood back, looking at his masterpiece. Completely legible. Perfect. Just as perfect as the man bleeding on the bed.

Sami pushed aside the sterile sutures and needles, still in their protective packages. He was grateful he hadn’t needed to use them. He grabbed a few pieces of the gauze he had piled on his makeshift sterile field and pressed on the places where blood was lazily dribbling from the cuts he had made.

Jey was still unresponsive and detached, barely reacting as Sami applied pressure to his fresh wounds. But he was also still holding onto the headboard. When Sami was satisfied that the bleeding was adequately stemmed, he wiped around the wound carefully. Then, with a deep breath, he stepped back.

“Let go, pet.” Sami stroked Jey’s hand, and he jumped as if Sami had struck him. He maintained his grip on the headboard. “Baby, look at me.” His voice was stern, masking his growing anxiety. Jey moved his head sluggishly to look at Sami. His eyes were eerily vacant, but there was enough spark to placate Sami. “Let go of the headboard and get up. It’s ok.”

Jey obeyed, his hands momentarily frozen in a clawlike position from their extended iron grasp. He flexed them before trying to stand and nearly falling forward. Sami was instantly in front of him, catching and steadying him. Jey dropped his head on the crook of Sami’s neck, and Sami let him, embracing him while carefully maintaining distance between his stomach and the other man’s. When his arms began to throb from holding Jey in such an unnatural position, he gently extricated himself.

“Come on, I want you to look at yourself.”  

Jey shook his head so slowly that Sami doubted he was even aware he was doing it. However, he allowed himself to be led to the mirrored closet. Sami arranged Jey so his view of Sami’s work was unobstructed. “Look.” Jey had contorted his body so his head was twisted sideways, once again hidden in Sami’s shoulder.

“Look!” Sami stepped away, leaving Jey alone and unsupported. Jey swayed, steadied himself with a hand on the mirror, and opened his eyes.

.

Jey wasn’t in his body. He could feel himself hovering above it and didn’t know how it had moved from the bed to the mirror without him in it to pilot. When he read the words on his stomach once, twice, three times, he slowly returned to it. He lowered himself to the ground, and Sami was there to help him, pulling him so his back was flush with Sami’s chest. Sami was always there.

“Read me what it says, baby.” Jey could feel Sami’s mustache brushing his cheek as he spoke lowly in his ear.

Jey was still examining himself. Sami hadn’t cut over the nearly healed word Asher had gouged into him as he had thought. Instead, he had made neat incisions directly above. No overlap was present to increase the risk of scarring. And while the first part was the same, the second was different. “Worth it?”

“That sounded like a question. C’mon, pup. You can read. Again.” Sami kissed the shell of Jey’s ear, and he blamed that for the quiver in his voice when he spoke.

“Worth it.”

“Good job! One more time, and I want to really hear you say it with feeling. You don’t have to believe it yet, but you need to say, “I am strong. I am brave. I am worth it.”

Jey’s mouth was dry. He swallowed, then obeyed. “I – I am strong. I’m brave. I’m worth it.”

“I knew you could learn.” Sami’s voice sounded satisfied, and Jey was confused. His Master hadn’t even got off. Why did he sound so happy? Yet, at the same time, Jey also felt content. He felt like he had been judged and found worthy, even though what he had just experienced was nothing compared to what Roman had often subjected him to. He hadn’t done anything to deserve the contentment flooding him. However, as Sami fussed over him, massaging his tender ass and back with magnesium lotion and bandaging his new wound, he let himself relax into the sensation, just for tonight.

.

Sami stayed awake long after Jey had drifted to sleep. He was watching the even rise and fall of the other man’s chest as he slumbered peacefully, trying to calm the fierce emotion that was cavorting through his own. He had thought he loved Jey before. He loved his wit, fierce devotion to those he cared about, and strength. And yeah, his perfect body didn’t hurt. But now he realized that it had merely been infatuation. Surface level and superficial. The savage feeling that was surging within him currently was something entirely different.

He hadn’t known Jey could be so soft. He hadn’t known the depths he would descend to please his Master. It was fortunate that Sami had been so clueless because if he had known about this side of Jey, he wouldn’t have chosen his best friend and his own dignity and sanity over the Bloodline. He would have remained under Roman’s thumb just for the proximity to Jey. And Sami and Jey would likely both still suffer under the tyrant’s control to this day. Sami caressed Jey’s hair, needing to touch him but not wanting to wake him.

How had Sami been so fortunate? What did he need to do to care for Jey and show him that Sami was a safe person whom he could trust with this level of sweet submission? Sami didn’t know if he was worthy of Jey’s devotion, but he knew he was willing to do everything in his power to be so.

Chapter Text

“Please, tell me you’re not serious.”

Sami had left Jey that morning with a reminder of his journal writing task and the addition of a new daily duty; until the wound had fully healed and the words faded, Jey had to start the day by looking at the short phrase and reminding himself of how he was strong, brave, and worthy of love. He had looked like he would rather cut off his own leg but dutifully agreed. Sami then met up with Kevin before a series of scheduled co-interviews, and Kevin was currently looking at him in a way that made Sami shift uneasily in his seat.

“You did a bloodplay scene. With a scalpel! With no practice, no classes, without watching anyone do it before, and without any sort of discussion or negotiation before? You have to be joking.”

Kevin had a way of making Sami feel about 2 inches tall, but he knew it was deserved this time. “We’ve all gigged before, right?”

“Holy shit.” Kevin was looking at him with awe. “You’re a fucking idiot. I always knew, but you’d never confirmed it so thoroughly.”

Sami groaned, looking through the list of questions they’d been provided.

“No, no, I’m serious! Do you have a concussion or something? How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Chill out. I get it; I’m an idiot and should probably be banned from touching another living thing for life.”

“Yeah, probably.” Kevin shook his head, still seeming to be having trouble believing what Sami had told him. He suddenly stiffened as if struck by a revelation.

“You know.” Kevin’s tone had changed, and he glanced around the room to ensure they were alone. “If you want to practice, I don’t mind being a guinea pig. I know when things don’t feel right, and I’m hard to injure. I can top, too; it helps to know how something feels if you’re going to be doing it to someone else. But you’d need to okay it with Jey first since you told me you’re exclus- Wait.” Kevin’s eyes narrowed, and Sami knew whatever he would say next was probably just as critical and just as well deserved.

“You have talked with Jey about you discussing him with me, right? He’s fine with you sharing all these intimate details?”

“Not exactly.”

Sami didn’t know if he’d ever seen someone so perfectly exemplify the word flabbergasted.

“What does that mean, Sami?”

“I haven’t brought it up, so he’s never said anything either way.” Sami cringed inwardly after his confession. Kevin’s judgment was palpable.

“You have to. It’s about respect. You do respect him, right?”

“Yeah! Of course!” Sami responded, indignant.

“You’re sure as hell not showing it. Talk to him. If he says he doesn’t want you discussing these things with me, I never want to hear another word about you two again. I’m serious.”

“I know. I will.” Sami was grateful for the arrival of a PA summoning them to set. He felt uneasy about the conversation the rest of the day. Had he been reckless? He had researched and had emergency supplies close in case anything went wrong. And nothing had gone wrong. It had been smooth, and for the first time since they entered this arrangement, Jey seemed to come out of a session looser and less anxious than going in. What did Kevin know anyway? Him and his decades of experience in the BDSM community and unbiased, impartial, outsider’s view of what was going on here. 

Kevin was right, and Sami knew it. Sami had feared exploring his innate sadism for so long that he had shut down any avenues for learning and growth in this area, and he was a complete amateur, which was not what Jey deserved. However, he wasn’t going to let Jey go. Not after he had seen what being with him could be like. He knew it was selfish. There were others out there, more experienced and skilled, who could give Jey what he needed. But Jey had come to him, and Sami could learn.

Added to that, he genuinely cared about Jey. He loved Jey. He was on the road with him year-round; he understood the importance of discretion and knew the difficulties of their previously shared profession more profoundly than some pro-Dom who only saw Jey for his pretty face, flawless body, and undying need to serve. Sami was right for Jey. He was best for Jey and would improve in the areas where he was falling short. To begin with, he needed to have a conversation with him. He hoped this one would be less rocky than previous ones but feared it might be much worse.

Sami approached the topic sideways. It’s not because he was afraid to face the conversation head-on (he told himself) but because Jey’s reaction would provide him with valuable information about how to best disclose his unpermitted disclosure.

“It would be for practice. I want to get more experience and make sure I’m doing things as safely as possible.”

He couldn’t discern Jey’s expression. He didn’t look angry or sad, but he didn’t look happy, either.   

“Why can’t you get experience with me?”

“I can. I will.” Sami smiled. Jey didn’t smile in return, and Sami went on, scratching his ear awkwardly.

“But you won’t… Tell me honestly, Jey. If I went too far or if you wanted me to stop, would you tell me? Would you ask for a kiss?”

Jey didn’t respond, which was enough of an answer for Sami. “If you don’t want me to do this, I won’t. If you want to give it a shot, we can plan everything out beforehand. I won’t do anything with Kevin that you and I didn’t discuss first. You should be there too if that’s something you’re comfortable with.”

Now Sami could read Jey a little better. He didn’t necessarily look disgusted, but it was close. Maybe skepticism? Disbelief?

“I don’t know; I don’t think he would be down for that. Kevin ain’t my biggest fan. I don’t got many of those on the roster right now.”

Rightfully so, Sami thought but didn’t say it aloud. He knew how difficult the process of re-establishing an identity outside of the Bloodline and making amends with the people who’d been hurt was, and Jey was at the very beginning of this process. Forgiveness would come; he knew it. But the reality was that Jey had a point. What evidence would he have to believe that Kevin would want to help him? There was no more avoiding his confession.

“He offered, Jey.” Sami maintained eye contact as he allowed time for Jey to process his statement. Jey bit his lip, leg shaking.

“He offered. What you mean by that?”

“I… I told him about you. About us.”

Jey pulled away from Sami. They had previously been hip to hip on the couch in the newest hotel room, nearly indistinguishable from the last. Now, he was on the opposite side, looking at Sami accusingly. Sami watched as he took a deep breath and ran his hand through his beard. Then, he spoke slowly, haltingly.

“What did you tell him?”

“A lot.” When Jey said nothing, Sami continued, “I told him about what happened with you and Roman. I told him about that piece of shit in Calgary. I told him about our agreement and everything we’ve done up to and including last night.” Now that Sami had said it all out loud, he felt even worse. He thought he had tried to protect Jey’s privacy, but apparently, Sami’s need for a sounding board had superseded Jey’s right to self-determination because there wasn’t much private information he had left out.

“Damn, Sami, I didn’t think you was the type to kiss and tell.” Jey was smiling, but it was tight-lipped, unnatural, and forced. “I get it, though. It’s been a lot. You need someone you can talk to.”

“I’m sorry, Jey.” Jey shifted, looking uncomfortable like he always did when Sami apologized to him. “I shouldn’t have talked to him without running it by you first. If you don’t want me to talk about our dynamic with him anymore, I won’t.”

“No, no. It’s all good. I was just surprised. So he offered to teach you, yeah? You want him to?”

Sami felt like the question was loaded, but if he wanted Jey to be honest, he needed to be honest as well.

“I do. He knows more about all this than I do, and I don’t want to hurt you. If I get some more practice, I’ll feel better about trying more of what you want and exploring.”

“You felt pretty experienced last night.”

“We were lucky, Jey.” Sami tried to repress the guilt that had been building since his conversation with Kevin. He really had taken things too far, and it was a miracle nothing had gone wrong. “I don’t want to depend on luck when your safety is my responsibility. And I should have made sure it was ok with you to cut you before I did it.”

“I woulda said yes.” Jey cut in immediately.

“But you should have had the opportunity to do that before I jumped in with a potentially deadly tool.”

Jey’s eyes narrowed thoughtfully, and he pushed himself closer to Sami once again, pressing his leg against Sami’s. It was like a switch had been flipped between them, and Jey was taking control of the situation. Sami steeled himself for whatever was coming next.

.

Jey had been planning to disagree and say that Sami could do whatever he wanted to him without a conversation about it beforehand but had stopped himself when he realized that a priceless opportunity was before him. Sami wanted to learn. Jey wanted him to stop with the endless discussions of what was and wasn’t ok. If Sami needed to negotiate so badly, Jey could negotiate.

“Ok. So you go to Kevin’s little lash and learn and come out a pro. Then, when you finished, we don’t have to go through the whole “can I do this, Jey, can I do that, Jey” routine no more. It’s a blanket yes. Whatever you wanna do to me, just assume I want it. You’ll have the experience then, right? So you won’t hafta be scared about hurting me.” 

Jey could already see the argument brewing in Sami’s set jaw and flinty eyes, but he continued before he could say anything. Sami had called him stubborn yesterday, and he wasn’t wrong.

“If something is too much, I’ll stop you. I don’t know if I can say no. But I can ask for a kiss, and I promise I will.” Sami’s gaze had softened, and Jey relaxed as well, leaning back against the couch.

.

Sami didn’t like this but didn’t want to argue. Jey was being open with him, and he didn’t want to send him ducking back behind his armor. Besides, he was willing to compromise.

“Ok.” Jey practically beamed, and Sami couldn’t stop himself from returning the smile. “But I can stop things anytime, just like you can. And when we do anything new, you have to write about how it was for you. Back side of the page where I can read it. Because you and I both know that a few sessions with Kevin aren’t enough to turn me into a pro.”

Jey stroked his beard once, twice, before nodding. “Sounds good to me. So when’s your first lesson?”

Kevin and Sami had the next two weeks off, and Jey had all the time in the world, so the three agreed to go home before regrouping in a location central to the three of them, which was difficult considering that they were three distant points in a very large triangle. With a location chosen, a luxury vacation home rented at twice the price due to last-minute booking, and plans set, they parted.

Chapter Text

The first thing that came to mind for Jey when Kevin started emptying the various cases and duffel bags he had brought with him and explaining cleaning, maintenance, material, and more that Jey mostly tuned out was a craft or maybe hardware store. Various braided ropes, carabiners, tapes, and clips lay draped and displayed on tables throughout the main floor, in addition to items he was more intimately acquainted with, like straps, cuffs, and gags. He ran his hand over a soft white rope. It felt like cotton. He was reminded of the rough ring rope and made an effort to refocus on the conversation.

“it’ll be more comfortable, but the knots’ll be harder to work with, so most people go a little more narrow. And like I said before, any rope will be weaker after conditioning no matter what it’s made of, so keep that in mind.” Sami was taking notes. Actual, physical, pen and paper notes. Jey had to grit his teeth to battle the surge of affection that was threatening to make him do something embarrassingly sappy. Not that he usually cared about displaying affection. But not in front of Kevin, who had mainly ignored Jey so far, which was more than alright with him.

“So we’re gonna start out with some basic ties and then…” Jey had checked back out. He felt like this was a waste of time, in general, but if it made Sami feel happier and more comfortable, he would be willing to waste all the time in the world.  Kevin’s matter-of-fact drone made him feel like he was back in class, even though there were a hell of a lot more sex toys than any classroom he’d ever been in. Jey’s mind wandered as he trailed behind Sami and Kevin, touching an implement here, a restraint there.

He hadn’t thought about college in a long time. Why should he? At this point, he was nearly two decades removed. It had been one of his first major failures, the first of many.  He had made damn sure that Solo got his degree before he joined his family in the business. He wanted his baby brother to have options. Jey remembered the last game he ever suited out for, going from reading the play one second to lying flat on his ass staring at a bright, cloudless sky, the ball 30 yards downfield the next.

Apparently, that was Coach’s last straw because, for the next three games, Jey was on the sideline in jeans, wondering what the host university was offering as a post-game meal, which had been Jey’s last straw. He hadn’t planned to leave school as well as the team, set on finishing the communications degree he had been funneled into with the other student-athletes. But after arriving at the general advisement building and seeing the endless line of students there for the same purpose instead of the one-on-one assistance with scheduling and courses he was accustomed to, he turned around and never went back. A week later, he was home, fielding questions about lost scholarships and missed opportunities dripping with unconcealed disdain. But Jimmy had left first. That had been the beginning of the end, the first time they were truly separated.

Jey stopped, struck by the realization. Before things got complicated with Roman, every time everything had felt fucked up and wrong, it had been because he had been apart from his twin. And college was the first time they had ever separated like that. The one semester, one season he had spent with him was the best part of his stunted football and academic career. Out from under the watchful eyes of his parents, it had been the first time he actively pursued relationships with men, and Jimmy had been there as his wingman and confidant through the whole freeing, exhilarating, terrifying experience. In return, he had sent any women who hit on him Jimmy’s way, telling them he wasn’t interested, but if it was his looks they were into, they were in luck. They had studied together, taken turns distracting campus police while smuggling various contraband out of their room during inspections, and generally had each other’s back.

Then Jimmy left like Jey had left just days ago. And why had Jey left? So he could try and win back someone who had shown him he didn’t want him every opportunity he got? That’s who he had chosen in the end. But this didn’t have to be the end of anything. Jey felt clear-headed in the way that a cloudless night sky was clear miles from civilization: bright and unobstructed by the pollution that had been clouding his thoughts, but also chaotic and cluttered.

“You good, Jey?” Sami and Kevin had apparently finished their chat and were looking at him expectantly.

“What? Yeah. I’m all good. Just gotta send a text real quick.”

By the time Jey had rejoined Sami and Kevin in the master bedroom, where they had established a base of operations centered around the four-poster bed that had been a selling point for this particular house, Sami was in his underwear and positioning himself face up on the bed.

“Aye, I thought you was gonna be practicing on him?”

“I am. But he was going to show me a few things first. If I’m gonna do something to you, I want to know what it feels like.”

“Hmm.” Jey felt betrayed but didn’t know why. What was the difference between Sami lying on the bed and Kevin? He couldn’t verbalize it, but it was there.            

“If that’s ok with you?”

“Yeah.” Jey leaned against the wall, arms crossed. “Go ahead.”

Sami and Kevin glanced at each other, and after a single nod from Sami, continued.

Jey observed as Kevin tied Sami’s hands to the bed posts, keeping up a running commentary about circulation and nerves and column ties as he repeated the action with his legs. He shuddered. He remembered the crackle of plastic on Asher’s bed as he struggled, mind muddy, body out of his control. Jey squeezed his hand restlessly in a fist as he tried to ground himself in the present by focusing on the two men before him. But he found that watching KO’s hands on Sami’s skin wasn’t exactly reassuring.

“Come feel this, Jey.”

Sami was glad he was good at multitasking, because he was currently trying to listen to Kevin and process all the invaluable knowledge he was imparting while also keeping an eye on Jey.

He had thought they discussed Sami and Kevin switching roles but judging from Jey’s stormy expression; maybe it had slipped his mind. And when Kevin called for Jey and his expression turned nigh mutinous, Sami jumped in.

“If you want him to do something, let me know. I’ll ask.” He smiled in an attempt to soften the unintentional curtness of the statement. He suddenly felt ridiculous, tied spread eagle, half-naked on the bed.

Kevin shrugged. “Not my place to judge your protocol. I just wanted him to feel the areas he needs to pay attention to. Wrists are easy to fuck up, and you both have to know what to look out for.”

“Jey?” Sami did his best to make eye contact.

Jey pushed himself up from the wall, stalking over to them. Sami had the vivid image of him attacking Kevin and the two of them brawling through the house, leaving Sami bound and helpless, and he had to hide his laughter at the thought under a coughing fit. He didn’t know if it was his discomfort with this lack of control and physical vulnerability that he was very much unaccustomed to or his worries about Jey’s obvious distress, but he felt hysterical, like anything that happened would tip him over into a fit of giggles.

Jey didn’t attack Kevin but instead slid his fingers where he was instructed, nodding as Kevin explained important anatomical considerations. Sami closed his eyes, listening while at the same time allowing himself to enjoy the feeling of Jey’s fingers running over the delicate skin of his wrists and ankles. He realized most of their previous interactions had centered around him touching Jey, with little opportunity for him to feel Jey’s hands on him. They’d have to change that with the current roles reversed because Sami was getting nothing out of being tied down like this. Besides vital education, of course.

“Ok. Jey can stay close, go back to where he was, whatever he wants, but I think that’s the basics of what you need to know about tying to an object. There’s a whole different set of things to think about if you’re tying limbs together. It might be easier to start out with actual restraints before you move into rope. But I can send you some articles and stuff later. For now, want to get into some impact?”

“Sure, hit me.” This time, Sami couldn’t hold back his laugh. Without thinking, he attempted to pull down his hands to cover his face, which only made him laugh harder. Kevin was grinning, and even Jey looked a little less on edge.

“You ready?”

“Yeah.” Sami pulled on the ropes once more. He supposed he could see some of the appeal. Being held in place so securely wasn’t all bad.

Jey lingered behind Kevin, half listening as he talked about thud, sting, and even more anatomy. He wondered how long he could talk ad nauseam about all this. Probably longer than Jey could stand listening to him. But this wasn’t for Jey. This was for Sami, so Jey would tolerate it as long as he had to. Kevin had chosen a long, wide leather strap from the assortment he had laid out on the bedside table.

Jey’s heart was already pounding, sweat springing to his brow. He didn’t know why he was so nervous. All he had to do was stand here and watch. But as Kevin approached Sami, Jey’s range of vision narrowed. He couldn’t see anything besides the strap in Kevin’s hand and Sami lying defenseless on the bed. He couldn’t hear what Kevin was saying. And as Kevin lifted the strap and brought it down hard on Sami’s thigh, Jey was transported back to SummerSlam. He remembered a much longer strap, a much larger room, and the sound it had made when he had brought it down over Roman’s back. Jey couldn’t breathe.

“Wait.”

Kevin stopped immediately. “What’s wrong? One of the knots?”

“No. Jey.” Kevin glanced back to see Jey swaying, one arm wrapped around his own chest, the other reaching as if searching for something to hold on to. He dropped the razor strop, grabbed the safety shears he had placed within arm’s reach, and had Sami free in what was likely seconds but felt like an hour to Sami.

Sami leaped to his feet and, even at this critical moment, couldn’t help reflecting on how there was no tingling or tenderness in his wrists or ankles. He was at Jey’s side in an instant. Kevin had retreated to the door. Sami gestured with his head, and Kevin left quietly, shutting the door behind him.

“Jey.” Jey’s breathing was shallow and rapid.  He couldn’t seem to see Sami, which terrified him.

“Hey, you’re ok. Look.” Sami took Jey’s head gently between his hands and turned it to face him. Jey’s eyes were wild, and his hair stuck to his damp forehead. “Baby, can you breathe with me?” Jey didn’t respond, so Sami drew him close, his chest against Jey’s. He wrapped his arms around him and breathed deeply, slowly, caressing Jey’s back in long, rhythmic strokes, up with the inhale, down with the exhale. Sami sighed when Jey’s breaths finally synced with his own.

“There we go. Good boy.” Sami pulled back. Jey looked calmer but not fully back with him yet.

“Come sit with me?”

Jey nodded, and Sami drew him to the chaise longue at the foot of the bed, settling Jey against the backrest while Sami perched on the end. Kevin poked his head in, waving a damp washcloth to get Sami’s attention. He had two cups of hot tea balanced on a tray in his other hand. Sami gave him a thumbs up, and Kevin entered, placing the tray on the bed, giving the washcloth to Sami, and retreating from the room once again.

Sami shook the washcloth slightly, cooling it as much as he could, before placing it on Jey’s neck. He grabbed one of the teacups and took a sip before offering the same cup to Jey. Jey took it with a shaky hand and mirrored Sami’s action. They finished the first cup together in silence before Sami risked conversation.

“You with me?” Jey inclined his head once, avoiding Sami’s gaze. They started on the second cup together. Jey stood up and began pacing. Sami remained seated, watching him.

.

Jey couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so humiliated. Even when Jimmy and Sami had found him in a more than compromising position back in Calgary, there was room for deniability. But this time, there was no excuse. He just had what he could only assume was a panic attack in front of Sami and Kevin, and he didn’t want to think about how they perceived him now. Weak. Worthless. He wouldn’t care about Kevin’s opinion if he didn’t know his impact on Sami. He was always in his ear. Kevin had been enough for Sami to leave him the first time. He knew he could do it again. Jey had to perform damage control quickly.

“It’s just… I never seen anything like this from the outside, you know? ‘cept in porn, but that’s not the same. I’ve always been involved; it’s different to watch. And it brought up… memories.” They had been more than memories. It had felt like Jey was back in Asher’s house, back before the crowd.

“Do you want to talk about them?”

Jey shook his head. “Not right now. I’m fine. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. It won’t happen again.”

“You don’t have to apologize for having emotions, Jey.”

“But that wasn’t emotion! I…” he wrung his hands, trying to find the words he needed to convince Sami that he didn’t have to worry about Jey letting him down again, at least not in this specific way. “I lost control. I’m sorry. And it won’t happen again. I promise you.”

“Maybe it won’t. Maybe it will. Either way, you don’t have to apologize, and you didn’t do anything wrong. I played a role here, too. I knew something was off, but I didn’t say anything. I should have stopped it before you got to that point.”

“No, no, no. Don’t put this on yourself. I shoulda said something.” Jey stopped, stunned at the words leaving his own mouth. He had just wanted to stop Sami from taking blame, but it was the truth. He should have said something. He had told Sami he would speak up if he felt himself getting pushed too far, but he hadn’t. Why not? The easiest answer was he had never had the opportunity to stop things before. He had followed orders and fallen in line. He hadn’t even thought of being able to tell Sami that he needed a time-out.

“I shoulda said something. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, you’re fine. I’m fine. Apology accepted. Now we know this isn’t going to work out, so we can just enjoy the next two days together, yeah?”

“You ain’t hafta stop. Just do it without me there. I got plans tomorrow anyway.”

“You do?” Sami looked surprised, but quickly recovered. “I mean, that’s ok, of course. But as for continuing, I could tell from when we first started you weren’t on board. Not all the way. If you don’t feel comfortable with this anymore, we can stop. Kevin won’t mind, and even if he did, it wouldn’t matter. This is for you.”

Sami was doing this for Jey. Jey was tolerating it for Sami. Jey almost smiled. But Sami needed a response.

“It’s not a comfort thing. You and KO got history.”

“We have history.

“Yeah, but you two got history history. You came up together, and yeah, you’ve fought, but you always find a way to make it work. And obviously, he loves you, cuz who wouldn’t? I know our agreement, and you know our agreement, and he know our agreement, and I trust you. I do. But what’s he getting out of this? It was different when we was just talking about it. Just like watching was different. I want you to keep going, it jus brought up some shit I wasn’t expecting.”

“Jey, I love you.”

“Yeah, uce, I love you too.” Jey was confused. He didn’t understand what this had to do with their conversation.

“No, I mean…” Sami looked at a loss for words, which wasn’t something Jey was used to seeing before the last few weeks. He tried again. “I spend most of my day thinking of what to do to make you happy because when you’re happy, I’m happy. I think about the fut-“ He paused. “I think about what next week, and the week after will bring, and I actually feel excited because you’re part of it now. It doesn’t just feel like endless repetition anymore.”

Now Jey was the one who was speechless because he he felt like he should know what Sami was trying to tell him, but he also ached like he’d just been through a full gauntlet match, and he wasn’t exactly at the top of his mental game at the moment. Sami was watching him as if waiting for some response, but Jey’s mind was blank. He remembered playing with an etch-a-sketch on road trips as a kid and wondered if he felt like this because his shaking had rattled all the thoughts from his mind.

“I’m fuckin beat, Sami.” Sami looked crestfallen for such a short moment that Jey wasn't sure if it was just his imagination.

“Yeah, understandably so. There’s tons of rooms, take your pick and get some rest before dinner.”

Laying on the bottom bunk of the smallest room in the house, Jey considered everything he had just experienced. He just had a freakout for no goddamn reason, and instead of ridiculing him, Sami had supported him in more ways than one. He hadn’t been angry at Jey for ruining the session. Kevin hated him, but when Jey had run into him in the hallway and apologized for wasting his rope, he had shrugged and said it was no problem.

Maybe his understanding of hate and love was just as screwed up as he was. Sami said he loved him. That wasn’t new; they’d told each other I love you countless times. But this was different, and Jey knew it. Jey loved Sami, but was he IN love with him? He rubbed his temples. He thought of past romantic relationships, hoping that by comparison, he could work through his conflicted thoughts and emotions. But these relationships felt foggy, nebulous, his emotions around them swallowed by the years. Except for whatever he had had with Roman.

Jey loved Roman. He knew this as an irrefutable fact. He always had, and he always would. But what he felt for Sami was different. And what Sami felt for him was completely foreign to whatever it was that Roman did. This agreement between Sami and Jey was nothing like what he had shared with Roman. The few times Sami had been intimate with him had been entirely different than his experiences with Roman. But different didn’t have to mean lesser or worse. And it had been good. Especially their last encounter, when Sami had slipped so easily into his role and Jey had felt held, grounded, and centered in a way he hadn’t in years.

If love could feel like this, why shouldn’t he let himself have it?

“Because you ain’t earned it. You ain’t worthy of it.” The voice that responded was Roman’s. Jey lifted a hand to his abdomen, lightly tracing the edges of the still-healing wound Sami had gifted him that dared to disagree.

Chapter Text

Jey left the house the following day before the sun rose, making sure to wake Sami first to let him know when he would be back and to reiterate that he did, indeed, want him and Kevin to continue their practice together. Then, he was out the door. His scheduled meetup wasn’t until noon, so the whole morning stretched before him, wide open as the dirt path he had driven to for his pre-weight-training run.

Jey loved physical exertion. It had been an escape since his youth, an opportunity to continually push himself past his limits, switch off his mind, and be fully present in the sensation of his throbbing muscles and pounding heart. However, he had also forgotten that the Midwest mid-August wasn’t exactly cool, and he was sweating before he finished his warmup. When he had completed his routine, he lingered over what to do.

It only made sense to go back to the house, shower, and change before heading out again for lunch. Even if it was hours before he had said he would be back. It only made sense to enter as silently as he could manage, leaving his shoes tucked behind the rack and stealthily traversing the halls, listening intently for any sound. It only made sense that he stopped before he looked into the room they had been using for practice, heart in his throat. It wasn’t because he was paranoid, jealous, or at some level unable to truly trust anyone, Sami included.

However, when he looked through the open doorway, his fears were assuaged. He didn’t know if he’d ever seen anything less erotic. Kevin was lying fully clothed and hogtied on the ground in the middle of the room, still lecturing in that tone that made Jey want to punch him directly in the teeth, while Sami was flitting around him, looking increasingly frazzled as he tried to comply with Kevin’s instructions. Jey moved past, laughing to himself.

Jey didn’t know why he was nervous. Then again, everything seemed to make him anxious and jumpy lately. He had felt settled and calm after Sami beat and marked him, but apparently, the benefits of the encounter were wearing off. Maybe that was something he and Sami could fix when he was done here.

Jey scanned the parking lot. Not that he would see one of his vehicles; he would have booked a flight and got a ride or rental from the airport. Then, he tried to survey the clientele inside the diner but was only able to see the first row seated by the windows. No more excuses to delay going in.

When he spoke to the hostess, she directed him to the corner of the diner by a pair of heavy swinging doors Jey assumed led to the kitchen. Jey approached the table, hyperalert. The diner smelled of seared meat, baking pastries, and a faint undertone of bleach. The closer he got to the corner seat, the more the soles of his shoes seemed to stick to the tile. He remembered the time he’d washed dishes for a week when he was trying to make ends meet and mopped with concentrated degreaser. That was his last day at that job, and the floor had felt just like this.

When Jimmy saw Jey, he got to his feet immediately, stepping out from behind the booth, motions rigid, full of barely contained energy. He was explaining himself before Jey got a chance to speak.

“What I said Friday was the truth uce. I ain’t gonna apologize for trying to have your back.”

Jey didn’t respond; he just kept approaching his twin until they were forehead to forehead, chest to chest. Jimmy didn’t back down, and when Jey wrapped his arms around him in a crushing hug, he didn’t hesitate to return it.

“It don’t matter what you meant to do.” Jey’s voice shook, but he felt as if the tension were being drained from his body, even as he winced at the little aches awakened throughout his body from the tight embrace. It was the first time he had seen or spoken to Jimmy since he had awakened to him at his bedside following his latest near-death experience. That had felt like a liminal space where the consequences of Jimmy’s betrayal and Jey’s departure didn’t matter. The wind taking a breath before the hurricane resumed.

But Jey was back in the storm now, and he realized he couldn’t weather it without his twin by his side. They separated, but Jey kept hold of Jimmy’s hand as they settled on opposite sides of the booth. He needed some sort of contact to keep him from feeling like he was floating, untethered. He needed to know Jimmy was really here with him.

“So tell me, little brother, why you asked me to meet you in the middle of bumfuck Kansas?”

“I was here with Sami and Kevin, and –“

“Sami and KO, you starting a harem of obnoxious Canadian men?”

“You know it uce. Copeland’d better watch out cuz he next.”

“For real?” Jimmy’s eyes widened.

“Fuck no.” Jey laughed. He never laughed as much as he did with Jimmy. “He not my type.”

“I was gonna say…” Jimmy shook his head. “So, you and Sami?”

Jey nodded.

“He make you happy?”

Jey thought for a moment. He didn’t know if he’d call any of the emotions he’d been experiencing over the past couple of weeks “happiness.” But that wasn’t from lack of effort on Sami’s part.

“He don’t make me… not happy. And he tries so fucking hard, all the time. You know how he is.”

“Yeah, I know how he is. He’s there when things are good, but when shit gets hard he out.”

Jey withdrew his hand, settling back against the hard plastic seat. The waitress arrived, bringing menus, and they scanned them in silence.

“But you do look better.”

Jey looked at Jimmy questioningly.

“I can tell you been hurting. For a while now. I can feel it, uce, and I just been helpless because I couldn’t get through to you, and then I almost lost you…” Jimmy was silent for several minutes, staring hard at the menu.  His voice was steady when he spoke again. “But you look good now. And if that’s because of Sami, then I guess I owe him one.”

“I gotta look good, or the harem starts getting restless.”

The look on the returning waitress’s face was enough to send both Jey and Jimmy into a fit of laughter. With orders placed and two large mugs of coffee before them, the conversation resumed.

“A lot’s gone down since I left, and I been thinking.” Jey took a sip of his coffee before adding another creamer.

“Thinking about what’s important. What’s really important, not the bullshit we supposed to think is important.”

“And what’s important?” Jimmy was stirring his own coffee, watching the little cyclone forming in the center.

“Not much. But you are.” The twins held each other’s gaze for a moment. “I meant what I said, too. It don’t matter to me why you interfered. Because losing, winning, titles, they don’t matter. But you do, and I don’t wanna lose sight of that. I did, for a while.”

The waitress was back, refilling their cups. Jey continued.

“When I left, I thought everything would be different. But it wasn’t. Everything’s the same except I ain’t have no focus anymore.”

“Then come back.”  Jimmy leaned forward, his tone urgent. Jey didn’t respond.

Jimmy spoke up abruptly. “Do you know, that when we was little, I thought the reason you was so shrimpy was because I was born first?”

“What?” Jey hissed as his snort of surprised laughter caused him to take a too-big sip of his coffee, burning his tongue in the process. “You only one inch taller than me, Jon.”

“If you say so. But that’s what I thought. Thought I kept you from getting enough oxygen or something. So I had to protect you, because it was my fault you was weaker.”

“Weaker? It’s been a long time since we sparred; let’s run it back and see who weaker.”

The waitress was back, distributing orders. Jimmy got a chicken fried steak, Jey French toast with blackberries. He loved breakfast food. It reminded him of waking up in the morning during the holidays when he and all his cousins had slept in a pile of blankets and sleeping bags and pillows at his grandparents’ house. He had always tried to steal a spot as close to Roman as possible. He idolized him, even then.  

“It’s my job to watch out for you. You my little brother. If you get hurt, it’s because I failed. If you fuck up, it’s because I didn’t lead you right.”

“Uce, you 9 minutes older than me, not 9 years. That’s not your job.”

“It is, though. And if you back with the company, it makes it a hell of a lot easier.”

“You think they’d take me back?” Jey took a bite of his French toast. Even though it was peak season, the berries were hard, sour. He set down his fork.

“Is you joking?” Now Jimmy was the one laughing. “Do I think they’d take you back? Is the sky blue? Is your man annoying? Of course, they’d take you back. You don’t know how much they’ve been bitching about you being gone. Sales are down; views are down. You a draw, little brother. You can walk back in there and name your price, and they’ll be on they hands and knees begging to give you more so you don’t walk out the door again.”

“Sami ain’t annoying.”

“Not the point.”

Silence prevailed again as they both ate. Maybe the berries weren’t as sour as they’d seemed at first bite.

“I just can’t be around him.” Jey’s voice was low, subdued. He had been avoiding this topic the entire lunch, but he couldn’t tiptoe around it forever.

“Joe.”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know what happened with you two, so I won’t tell you what I think you should do.” Jimmy drummed his fingers on the table thoughtfully. “But you could always go to Raw.”

Jey looked up, stunned. He hadn’t even considered the other brand. The concept of wrestling without his family was completely alien to him.

“I guess I could.”  It was a thought. A terrifying, novel thought, but a thought nonetheless.  A thought that rattled around his head for the remainder of the lunch and until they paid their tab and left the diner. They lingered at Jey’s car. He knew Jimmy had to get back home. He had appearances to make and places to be, unlike Jey at the moment. But he didn’t want him to leave quite yet. He felt like he had just got his twin back, and he was terrified to let him go.

Jimmy was the one who initiated the embrace this time, and Jey held onto him tightly.

“I love you. No matter what you decide or where you go, I got you.”

“I know. I love you, too.”

As Jey drove back to the rental home, he pondered how this, too, was love. So many types of love. He loved working out for the way it pushed him. He loved breakfast food because it felt like home when home was still a safe, warm place. He loved Jimmy for countless reasons, not the least the fact that he had just dropped everything and a few hundred dollars besides to come see Jey just because he told him he needed to talk.

Sami also challenged him, comforted him, and sustained him. So what if Jey didn’t know exactly how he felt? It didn’t matter. He loved pushing himself physically. He loved breakfast food. He loved his twin. He loved Sami. 

Chapter Text

“Oh no, I’m Jey, and I’m too horny because Sami is so hot and dominant, so I won’t stop wiggling around, and, oh look, a nightstand. Concussion.” Kevin had rolled off the bed and was looking at Sami with crossed arms.

“0 star Jey impression. But I get it. Be careful on raised surfaces. Be aware of surroundings.”

“Not just raised surfaces. What happens if there’s an earthquake and the power goes out?”

“Umm, I would have a flashlight somewhere close. Safety shears if I was using rope and -”

“But you lit candles to set the mood, so now there’s a fire; Jey’s deep in subspace – totally out of it. And your arm is broken.”

“C’mon, Kev, I don’t think -”

“He has a heart attack.”

“I would -”

“You have a heart attack.”

“What are you getting at?”

“The point is, you plan for everything, but you’re still going to fuck up, or something will go sideways, somehow. It’s inevitable. It happens to everyone. It’s happened to me.  What’s important is what you do after. You can’t ever be truly “safe.” Prepare, know the risk, but be ready for things to go south, ok? And when they do, it’s on you to make things right.”

Sami and Kevin were nearing the end of their practice. Kevin was heading out a day earlier than Jey and Sami, leaving them the whole house to themselves. The whole house and a pick-n-mix of various brand new, already prepped and sterilized tools he had deemed “essentials” to get them started.  After a few final tips, the sharing of online resources, book recommendations, and some last-minute shop talk about their upcoming matches and title defense, Kevin departed, and Sami settled in on the large sectional sofa in one of the home’s living rooms. Jey said he would be back by three, so he still had about an hour to himself.

He had planned on watching TV or reading or otherwise enjoying the rare moment when there were no expectations for his time, but when Jey arrived back at the rental an hour later, he found him fast asleep on the sofa, head craned backward on the too-short back, both legs sprawled across the seat.

.

Jey studied Sami. His hair had fallen over the back of the sofa, and with his head tipped back, his beard was lifted and the long line of his throat exposed. Jey allowed his eyes to trail further down, but Sami’s t-shirt rudely concealed everything past his collarbone, and Jey felt starved. There was something he wanted, a desire he’d been toying with but had been too afraid, or maybe too ashamed, to disclose. Here was a chance to test Sami’s profession of love. After all, shouldn’t Jey measure Sami’s sincerity before he let himself slip deeper into these confusing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors Sami elicited in him?

“I’m back.” Jey slid onto the sofa, lifting Sami’s legs and laying them across his lap so he was practically holding him.

“How’d it go?” Sami blinked at him blearily. Jey realized that he had never told Sami where he was going or who he was going to meet up with. Sami hadn’t demanded to know. He decided against telling him, not for fear of Sami’s response, but purely because this newfound ability to disclose or withhold information for no other reason than his own whims was intoxicating.

“Good. KO already leave?”

“Yeah,” Sami glanced at his phone. “About an hour ago. So now we’ve got the whole place to ourselves. We can watch something, try out the pool. Or if you wanted to go out, we can catch a show or hit a brewery or something.”

“I don’t know. I thought we could stay in. Make our own entertainment.”

“Yeah?” Sami’s eyes were wide, lips slightly parted. Jey felt something new surging within him. It kind of reminded him of how he felt when Solo had first started the indie circuit, when he had watched him every chance he could, wanting to rip anyone who even looked at him wrong to pieces. A fierce, savage feeling of responsibility and protectiveness for the man before him. But this was different because it came along with an actual, physical hunger that Jey felt in his gut. He wanted to bite into Sami. So, he did.

At some point, they had started holding hands without Jey noticing, so he lifted Sami’s hand to his mouth, kissing the knuckle before turning it over and sinking his teeth into the palm.

Sami yelped, drawing his hand back and rubbing at the impression Jey’s teeth had left behind. “What was that for?” He was wide awake now, looking at Jey warily.

“I wanna fight you.”

“What?”

Sami looked concerned, glancing around the room before back at Jey as if planning his escape route. Jey laughed, which didn’t seem to help.

“Calm down uce. I’m good. It’s jus something I been thinkin’ bout, and yesterday made my mind up.” Sami allowed his posture to relax but still swung his legs out from Jey’s lap.

“I didn’t tell you to stop cuz I don’t got experience with that. So, I want experience. I want you to try out some of those new skills you learned but I wanna fight you while you do it. I want you to beat me down and fuck me. I want to say no, and stop, and I want to struggle.”

“And when you say no or stop, I stop, right?” Sami sounded like he already knew the answer Jey was going to give and didn’t like it one bit. “Because otherwise, all you’re getting experience with is your wants and needs being disregarded and disrespected.” Like before, like with Roman, was the unspoken bookend to the statement.

“No.  I want you to keep going.”

“Jey…” There was that exasperating disappointment and concern that Jey hated.

“Hear me out. This is what I want. This is what I need. So you wouldn’t be disregarding or disrespecting nothing.  And even if you don’t stop, I still get the chance to say it. I don’t know what it feels like to fight back. I never got the chance, and I want to. Don’t you want that for me?” Ok. Maybe the last part was a little low, but it seemed to work because Sami looked like he was at least considering it. Jey had to strike while his guard was lowered.

“Besides. If somethings really wrong, I can safeword. I will, Sami. I promise, sir.”  This time, instead of raising Sami’s hand, he lowered himself to where it rested by Sami’s side on the sofa, bowing his head to kiss it. Sami’s other hand found its way to the back of his head, stroking his hair slowly, thoughtfully.

“Ok…” Jey thought he could detect an undercurrent of arousal beneath the reluctance in Sami’s voice and smiled with satisfaction, unnoticed by Sami due to Jey’s head still being lowered.

“But we have to be careful. You’re still recovering. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Jey scoffed. “You real confident.”

“I earned it. I seem to remember kicking your ass last time we met in the ring.”

“Oh yeah?” Jey lifted his head. Sami seemed to be shedding his anxiety, even though he still didn’t look completely at ease. Jey was practically bouncing, sliding his hand up and down Sami’s arm in a fruitless attempt to dispel the need raging through his body and mind, magnifying every sensation. “Then I guess I gotta redeem myself.”

.

Sami didn’t know if this was a good idea. But when he saw the unfiltered gratitude and excitement on Jey’s face when he conceded, he knew he couldn’t have said no. How could he ever deny Jey? But Sami was still in control here, ostensibly, so he was going to make sure they did this as safely as possible. They settled on the game room since it had the most open space, especially once the billiards table, which was providentially on wheels, had been shoved into the corner.

Sami eyed Jey from across the room. He was shifting his weight from foot to foot, eyes bright, a barely discernible blush dusting his cheekbones. Sami felt matching heat coloring his own face for entirely different reasons. He was utterly out of his depth. He shouldn’t be. This should be easy. The fighting part, at least. But it wasn’t. He felt awkward and unsure and knew Jey was waiting for him to make the first move. He hesitated, opened his mouth, and then, solely guided by reflex, ducked to avoid the lightning-quick kick heading straight for his chin. Maybe he had misread the situation.

Sami stumbled back, preparing himself for Jey’s next attack. He swung with a right, which Sami countered with one of his own, barely glancing off the side of Jey’s jaw. Jey grinned, toothy and gleeful. Sami frowned. They were usually fairly evenly matched, Jey with the slight height and weight advantage, Sami with the heavier hands, and both unafraid to get dirty. But that was where Sami was at a decided disadvantage right now. Jey was going all out, fighting as if his life depended on it, and an especially brutal blow to the side of the head rocked Sami, dropping him to one knee.

But Sami was holding back. Jey’s face was still laced with healing scabs and bruises, and he knew what he looked like right now under his clothing. He couldn’t hurt him. But Sami also knew he had to end this, or he’d hurt himself. He stayed kneeling, waiting for Jey to approach, waiting for the right moment. Sure enough, Jey was back for more, leaving himself wide open. Sami exploded upward, using the momentum to strike him in the solar plexus. Before Jey could catch his breath, Sami had swept him off his feet and wrestled him to the floor, straddled him so he was held prone against the carpet, and wrenched his arms behind him, securing them in the armbinder he had strapped to one of his belt loops. Sami sat back, all his body weight resting on the back of Jey’s knees, and waited, breathing hard.

“Get off me.” Jey’s voice came out a wheeze, and Sami pressed a hand to the small of his back as Jey started to buck and flail, fighting against the restraint.

“Stay the fuck down!” Sami growled the command, genuine anger sparking within him. All this thrashing was going to reopen his wounds. Jey just redoubled his struggle, and Sami forced himself to stay calm. He adjusted his position, covering Jey’s body with his own and pressing his forearm into Jey’s neck. It felt like scruffing a feral cat.

He waited as Jey continued to fight, his movements getting weaker, until he was finally still and panting beneath him. Sami removed the pressure.

“Are you ready to be good now?”

“Fuck you.”

“I guess that’s a no.” Sami stood, retrieving the other supplies he had deposited on the billiards table when they arrived.

Jey seemed to have found a new reserve of energy because when Sami returned, he had flipped himself over and was now trying to get to his feet. Sami stopped him with a boot to the chest, forcing him slowly back to the floor.

‘I said to stay down.”

Jey sneered, spitting in the direction of Sami’s boot where it rested on his rapidly rising and falling chest. “Make me.”

“I’m going to make you do a lot of things, mon pitou.” Sami hoped with enough jeering disdain injected into his tone he could get away with the endearment. He lifted one of the tools, a wicked-looking knife, so it glinted in the light.  Jey’s eyes narrowed. That got through to him. He didn’t have to know the blade was too dull to cut through a piece of bread, much less do any damage to skin.

Sami crouched down, holding the knife loosely in one hand. “What should I do with you, hmm?”

Jey was silent, but Sami could practically see the thoughts racing through his brain. He remembered what Kevin had told him about the impact of cutting off the senses on turning off the mind. He spent a moment admiring the blindfold Kevin had gifted him. It wasn’t some flimsy piece of cloth like Sami had pictured when he thought of blindfolds, but rather sturdy, leather, and padded, with a clasp in the back that allowed it to be securely fastened behind Jey’s head.

Sami’s momentary distraction gave Jey enough time to swing himself to the side, foot connecting with Sami’s shin. Sami swore, nearly dropping the knife.

“To start, I’m gonna make you regret that.”  Sami pulled Jey to his feet with some difficulty, dragging him to the billiards table. Sami shoved Jey down, pressing his face and torso into the green velvet. He had attached two sets of leather cuffs to the table’s legs when they first entered; fastening the other half of each to Jey’s ankles took mere seconds. Sami stood back, finally able to enjoy the scene before him. Jey was pulling at the cuffs and armbinder, but Sami wasn’t concerned about them holding. The view was incredible, and Sami was painfully hard. He had been since he had thought of Jey blindfolded. Which reminded him.

Sami secured the blindfold over Jey’s eyes, and the result was nearly immediate. Jey sagged against the table, ceasing his struggle.

“You’re so quiet now, cœur. Nothing to say?”

“Let me go.” Jey’s voice was low.

“What was that? I didn’t hear you.”

“I said let me go. I’m done with your little game.”

“Beg me. If you want me to let you go, beg me and make it good, or I’ll get a gag next, so I don’t have to listen to you whine.”

Jey rubbed his head on the table, seemingly in an attempt to dislodge the blindfold. Sami slapped his ass, none too gently, and he jerked.  

“No.”

“Fine. Just remember I tried to give you a chance.”

Sami stepped forward, grinding against Jey. The friction was welcome, but he needed more. He unbuttoned his jeans, pulling himself free from the uncomfortable confines of his boxers. Then, he did the same to Jey, who jumped at the contact. He was hard, precum pooling in his underwear. Sami dragged a finger through the sticky liquid, using it as a lubricant as he stroked Jey’s cock, slow and steady.

“Don’t.” The word was barely more than a whisper.

“You had your chance.” Sami continued. Jey’s breathing came in fits; every other breath, a gasp or bit back moan interspersed with an occasional “no” or “please” that only fed Sami’s desire.

Sami couldn’t wait any longer. He shoved Jey’s pants and underwear down, leaving them puddled at his ankles where they got stuck on the cuffs. He drizzled a copious amount of lube on his own cock, sliding himself along the cleft of Jey’s ass, each shallow thrust barely on the cusp of breaching him. Jey was struggling again, trying to lift his upper body off the table. Sami slammed him down, digging his blunt nails into his shoulder warningly as he used the other hand to work more lube into Jey, starting with three fingers. He knew from their first time that Jey didn’t need much prep.

Sami froze. Their first time. He remembered the cold, dark hotel room. He remembered Jey beneath him, distant and unresponsive as Sami thrust into him.

Sami lurched backward, pulling his hand out of Jey as he did so.

Sami was wrong, sick.

What the fuck was he doing? He watched as Jey began to rut against the edge of the table with the little range of motion he had, seemingly desperate for any sensation on his currently neglected dick.

“Jey?”

Jey didn’t stop.

“Jey, baby?” Sami’s voice was trembling, but he didn’t care.

“Please, Jey, I need a kiss.”

Chapter Text

Years ago, Jey had returned to an underground river he first swam in as a youth on vacation with his family. This time, he had been alone. No peals of laughter or cousins shouting across the distance of the river. It had been silent, and he had let himself be pushed by the strong current. He was a fantastic swimmer; he would be fine no matter where the cool, rushing waters took him. So, he let go and let himself be carried. That’s how he felt right now, like he was enveloped by a force powerful enough to carry him.

Every time he fought or struggled and Sami proved himself strong enough to contain him he fell deeper into the all-consuming haze. He didn’t have to make any decisions, prove himself, or carry the weight of his and others’ needs and expectations. He couldn’t. All he could do was lie here and take whatever Sami saw fit to give him; it was heaven. Pure bliss. Sami wasn’t going to run or shy away from Jey. Jey wasn’t too much for him. He wasn’t too broken, too depraved. And right now, Jey actually believed it.

Jey was close. The thrill of fear that had run through him when his vision was cut off quickly turned into a transcendent connection to his body that he’d never before experienced. Every sensation seemed to be magnified a hundredfold. His jeans peeling off his thighs felt like sandpaper. Sami’s body sliding against him, into him, was enough to bring him to tears. And when he suddenly lost Sami’s touch, he kept chasing the pleasure he was being denied, lust guiding his motions. After all, if Sami told him to stop, he would. Jey would never cum again for the rest of his life if Sami demanded it. But Sami wouldn’t ever make a demand like that, even though it was his right by virtue of his claim to Jey.

He belonged to Sami. The thought felt right. For once, he wasn’t plagued by the guilt and shame that had filled him since Roman left him. Maybe Jey was everything he’d been told he was. But Sami loved and owned him regardless. He didn’t demand from him but accepted what Jey had to give. And Jey had so much to give.

 Jey heard his name being called from the cliff face that overlooked the river. He loved hearing Sami say his name. But why was Sami asking if he could kiss him? He could do whatever he wanted to Jey. He owned Jey. Something wasn’t right. Jey felt himself being drawn from the dark, deep, ultimate comfort he’d been swaddled in. That’s right. That was the safe word. Safe phrase? Safe statement? He shook his head. Sami needed him.

His arms were released from their restraint, followed by the blindfold and cuffs. A part of Jey still felt fuzzy and floaty in a way that reminded him of his early 20s exploration with inhalants, but that part was rapidly diminishing as the reality of what had just occurred set in. Sami had safe worded? Jey felt small, but not in the comforting, bracing way he had just experienced moments earlier.

This time, he felt small like an insect. Like a cockroach that was only noticed when it was being crushed underfoot. He felt like he was being crushed, like his chest was caving into his stomach. He wrapped his arms around himself, a small physical reinforcement that he wasn’t currently rotting away, even if that was the message his body was relaying to him. He didn’t know what to say; he didn’t even know if he could speak. So he settled for watching Sami and waiting for him to break the silence.

Sami seemed just as distressed. He had quickly re-dressed, and when Jey realized he was currently half-nude, he did the same. But still, Sami didn’t speak, and Jey felt the myriad warring emotions and thoughts within him grow more chaotic, ready to overtake and overwhelm him. What had he done? It had to be something he did. Had Sami been angry because he had hit him? Jey had held back, but still. He should have known better. Or was it because Jey had made his own selfish, greedy choice when he had humped against the table like a bitch in heat? He gritted his teeth. He should start with an apology.

“I’m sorry.” Sami was looking at him quizzically. Of course, he was confused. Jey should know precisely what he did wrong and apologize for it specifically, but, idiot that he was, he didn’t.

“What? Why are you sorry?”

“Umm, cuz I,” Jey was thinking as quickly as he could. Sami hadn’t stopped when he struck him, so that probably wasn’t the reason for it. Or the whole reason.

“No, Jey.” Sami interrupted his thoughts before Jey could craft his response. He stepped forward, raised a hand, then let it drop again. “You don’t have anything to apologize for. This was on me.” Now Sami was the one hugging himself close. Jey wished he could hold him but was also pretty sure he would fall over if he tried to walk to him.

“I don’t understand.” That was an understatement.

Jey followed Sami’s gaze to where it rested on a frayed patch of carpet. It looked like a cigar burn.

“Were you… enjoying yourself?”

Jey laughed, which surprised both him and Sami. But he had been taken off guard by the question.

“Was I enjoying myself? Fuck yeah, I was enjoying myself! I thought that was pretty clear.”

“You sure?”

“What you mean su-” Jey trailed off.

Oh.

Oh.

He really had let himself get too complacent. All it took was a few sweet words from Sami, and Jey had let himself believe that his depravity was normal and acceptable. But it wasn’t. It never had been, and he never should have asked Sami to do this for him. He shouldn’t have enjoyed it. Obviously, Sami hadn’t. Jey had thought he was testing Sami, but Jey was the one being tested and he had failed. It wasn’t the first time he had been made to feel flawed and dirty on a fundamental level for simply being who he was. He had spent his entire adolescence and young adulthood being told how sinful and wrong he was. He thought he had beaten those thoughts down long ago, cut out the condemnation of his parents and pastors and counselors every time he heard their words repeated in his head in his own voice.

But this was the first time he’d ever been made to feel this way by Sami, and maybe he hadn’t made as much progress as he thought because it fucking hurt. Jey wanted to leave. He wanted to drive back home. To go to his twin. To go to Roman. But he couldn’t. He had promised Sami he wouldn’t shut down and withdraw when things got hard and as comforting as the thought of running away from whatever was happening might be, he knew he had to stay and face it. After all, he was the one who had hurt Sami badly enough for him to use their safe word, even if he didn’t know exactly how quite yet.

“I’m sorry.” Jey tried again.

“Stop apologizing!” Jey shrunk back instinctually, moving away from Sami’s anger.

.

As Jey retreated into the corner, face etched with fear and confusion, Sami felt even worse. If he wanted Jey to stop apologizing for something that wasn’t his fault, he needed to talk. What could he even say? But as Jey looked more and more wrecked with each second that Sami stood there silently, he knew saying anything was better than this.

“I… was enjoying myself too.”

Now it was Jey who looked angry. The fear seemed to disappear instantly, and he began to pace, avoiding looking directly at Sami. “Don’t lie to me, uce. If you was having a good time, you wouldn’t have stopped.”

“I stopped because I was having a good time.” Sami pushed his hair back. The disgust he felt towards himself was steadily growing. “I… forced you, and I liked it.” Saying it out loud felt like actually admitting it to himself. “I was just like him.” Sami didn’t have to say who he was talking about. They both knew. 

“Man…” Jey seemed at a loss. “I asked you for this. You remember that?”

Sami nodded.

“You didn’t force me to do nothing. I wanted this. And that’s on me. I know you just doing all this for me, and I shoulda known this was asking for too much.”

“Jey, you know that I’ve been enjoying everything we’ve done together, too, right?” The thought that Jey might believe Sami was somehow forcing himself to be intimate with him or wasn’t deriving pleasure from their encounters had never even occurred to Sami. Getting to play with Jey and letting out the carefully contained, sadistic part of himself that craved domination and control was the most fun Sami had had in years, and he had thought it was obvious, but apparently not.

But then again, he actually had forced himself back in June. And that had been the real reason for him stopping today. He should have talked about this with Jey earlier, but things had been going so well, and he hadn’t wanted to dig up the past. There was no more avoiding it. Jey had responded to his question with a noncommittal grunt. So Sami would provide him with his answer.

“Because I have been. This has been… amazing.” The word felt too weak for what Sami was trying to say. It had been more than amazing. It had been horizon-widening, mind-expanding. Sami felt like there were fractured parts of himself that were slowly consolidating into an integrated whole, and this connection with Jey had been the catalyst for it all.

“So then what happened?” For such an imposing man, Jey had a knack for looking small and vulnerable. Sami knew they had to have this conversation, but nothing said they had to have it standing across from each other under the bright lights of this room he was beginning to despise.

Half an hour later, in a room that was darkening as the sun dipped below the horizon, both snuggled on the sofa under an extra-large blanket Sami had found in a linen cupboard, the conversation resumed.

“It felt really good.”

“Yeah, that’s what you said.”

“And I felt guilty about enjoying it. But you’re right. You wanted this. I wasn’t actually forcing anything. That wasn’t why I stopped.” Sami paused. He didn’t understand why this was so hard for him. “I stopped because I started thinking about June. After you faced off with Theory for the title.” Jey tensed at Sami’s side but didn’t pull away.

“What about it?”

Sami didn’t know exactly how to approach this. He couldn’t just say that he felt used. That seemed, for lack of a better term, remarkably lame. Like he was some spurned lover taken advantage of by a dashing playboy. “It felt like you were using me.” Well, damn.

“I was.” Sami could feel the surprise stamped across his face. Whatever he had thought Jey’s response would be, it wasn’t that. However, he wasn’t finished yet.

“I was real low. I ain’t never felt so fucking… alone. Everyone was fighting and hurting each other, and it was my fault, and it hurt. And then you told me to be selfish. I’m not putting this on you,” Jey added hurriedly. “It was my choice. But I decided to be selfish. I knew you wanted me. I wanted you. I didn’t want to be alone. You were there. So I used you.”

Sami was digesting the information. He hadn’t expected Jey to be so openly honest about his motivations. Despite the twinge of pain that Jey’s admission had caused to bloom in his chest, he also felt grateful for the blunt frankness. “It didn’t seem like it helped you much.”

“Nah.” Ouch. “But again, that wasn’t on you. I didn’t tell you what I needed; how was you supposed to know? I’m sorry, Sami. And I know you said to stop apologizing, so sorry for that, too.”

“I’m sorry, too.” Sami squeezed Jey’s hand. He didn’t remember starting to hold it. That was happening a lot lately. “It didn’t feel right that night and I should have stopped things. But I didn’t want you to feel rejected. I was trying so hard not to be like Roman.” Sami winced. Apparently, Jey wasn’t the only one telling the unpolished truth tonight.

Jey smiled, just a slight upturn of the corners of his lips. “You ain’t nothing like Roman.”

Maybe it was just Sami’s emotional rawness from the events of the evening, but this felt like an insult, even though he was certain that wasn’t how Jey had intended it. He leaned his head against Jey’s where it rested on his shoulder.

“We a mess.”

“Yeah.” They sat together, holding space and silence for each other’s thoughts, breaths in sync where they were pressed against each other’s side.

“You really do want me to take control, don’t you?” Sami was still trying to work through the shame that a lifetime of social conditioning had woven into every inch of the tapestry of his desire, even before he had discovered his sadistic urges.

“I do. And you really like taking control? You like… hurting me? Not just cuz I want it?”

“I do. I’ve never seen anyone suffer as beautifully as you.” Sami heard Jey’s breath hitch. “I love to watch you let go and cry for me. I love to see you try so hard to obey. I love you, Jey.” Sami couldn’t see Jey clearly in the twilight darkness of the room, but this felt different than his botched profession of love yesterday.

.

“I love you too.” Jey tilted his head back, burrowing further into Sami’s touch. Sami smelled of the newest beard oil he was using: cedarwood and clove and a hint of citrus. His arousal had been nearly extinguished by the conversation and the guilt and regret it had stirred up. But apparently, he truly was insatiable because he could feel the craving for Sami’s touch building rapidly within him. Jey adjusted his position, swinging a leg over Sami so he was straddling him. Sami automatically reached for his hips, steadying him on his lap. Jey shifted, the slightest back-and-forth motion, and Sami reacted immediately, his grip tightening.

“I thought we could finish what we started.”

“Yeah?” The trepidation seemed to have fully bled from Sami, and he was looking at Jey hungrily. Jey answered him with a deep, ravenous kiss, taking the lead and just as quickly relinquishing it as Sami fisted a hand into his hair, the other wrapped around Jey’s waist and pulling him flush against him.

Maybe Sami’s favorite hobby of Talking Things Through wasn’t so bad because Jey felt lighter as he let Sami move him as he desired and yank and tug off his clothing with free, unrestrained laughter that Jey joined him in. He tried to do the same to Sami but only succeeded in tangling him in his shirt. Sami shrugged it the rest of the way off before drawing Jey into one more quick kiss.

“You need to get off.”

“Hmm?”

Sami laughed again, eyes bright even in the dark room.

“If you want me to take off my pants and boxers, you’ve gotta get up for a second.”

“ Yeah. Definitely want that.” Jey stood on unsteady legs, repositioning himself over Sami the second he had shoved his clothing past his knees. He was kneeling on the couch facing Sami, steadying himself with hands outstretched behind him to rest on each of Sami’s knees. The position pressed their cocks together between them, and Sami reached forward, wrapping his hand around them both. Jey held his breath as Sami began to stroke, slowly and deliberately, using a feather-light touch that was only enough to make Jey need more. He wouldn’t ask for more, though. He knew Sami would give him what he thought was best for him, and Jey was more than happy to receive it.

.

Sami’s self-control was eroding. He wanted to live in this moment, but he was already close just from seeing Jey lost in pleasure and feeling the full weight of his muscular body resting on his thighs. He needed to be inside him. Sami stroked Jey’s cheek. When Jey didn’t respond, he followed it with a slap. Sami realized he was holding his breath. That wouldn’t do.

“I want to hear you, pet.”

Jey let out a gasp, then took a breath, breaking into a litany of broken curses and moans.

“Perfect. You look so pretty right now, baby. I wish you could see yourself.”

Those glistening, beautiful tears were already starting to form in his eyes. Sami lifted him with some difficulty, pulling and pushing him so Jey was positioned over his cock. Jey seemed to get the message and lifted himself slightly, taking one deep breath before lowering onto Sami, taking him in to the base.

Sami now understood what it meant to see stars. The sensation of being fully engulfed inside Jey was an epiphany, and when he lifted his hips only to slide himself back down, somehow seeming to take Sami even deeper at this new angle, Sami had to grab onto his waist and hold him firmly in position.

“Wait, wait.”  Jey furrowed his brow. “I’m fine. It’s ok. It’s great. You’re great. Too good.” Sami half-smiled, hoping the darkness hid his abashed blush. Jey seemed to understand, and he ceased his motions but remained seated on Sami, letting his cock fill and stretch him.

“I’m so lucky to have such a gorgeous thing to play with. Only an idiot would let you go. So I’m going to hold on tight, got it?”

“Yes, sir.” Jey looked euphoric, blissed out smile plastered across his face. Sami couldn’t hold back much longer. He gripped Jey’s ass and began to thrust into him from below, pulling a cry of rapture from the man he was currently drilling into. Jey tucked his feet underneath Sami’s thighs, giving himself the leverage and stability necessary to meet Sami’s rhythm and allowing Sami to reach between them and attend to Jey’s cock, which had previously been bouncing against his stomach, painfully hard.

Jey’s body convulsed, the tightening enough to usher in Sami’s climax. He could feel Jey constricting around him, feel the electric pulse of himself cumming, marking Jey as Sami’s from the inside. He panted, body limp and useless, as Jey rode him through their shared orgasm until the friction and sensation were too much, and he was pushing Jey off his softening cock, laughing breathlessly.

Jey rolled off Sami, struggling to catch his own breath. Sami pulled him close, lazily massaging whatever part of his body he could reach. After a few moments of comfortable silence, Jey spoke up, sounding both sated and exhausted.

“I really wasn’t expecting to get double cardio today.”

Chapter Text

The next day, an early morning phone-call awakened both Sami and Jey. Sami waited as long as he could before answering it, enjoying the feeling of waking up next to Jey without the chasm of the fears and secrets he’d been burying between them.

“You gonna get that?”

“Thinking about it.” Sami let himself bask in the comfort of Jey’s warmth, his arm splayed across Sami’s chest, legs intertwined with his own. With a reluctant groan, Sami extricated himself from Jey’s embrace and blindly fumbled for his cellphone. When he found it and saw the name on the screen, his deep sigh was enough for Jey to prop himself up on one elbow and look at him with concern.

.

“Everything good?” Jey was still in the process of waking. He had had vivid, disturbing dreams throughout the night, but every time he awoke and felt Sami’s solid presence beside him, it had been enough to let him slip back into sleep until the next nightmare awoke him.

“Fine, except I have to head out earlier than we planned.”

“What? Why?”

“Got a match Monday.”

Jey let himself collapse onto the pillow. He felt something close to jealousy. Looking back with the wisdom granted by space and time, he regretted his impulsive decision. He missed the structure and purpose he had lost along with the career he had turned his back on.  But if Sami was booked for Monday… Jey remembered Jimmy’s suggestion.

“I’ll go with you.”

“What? Yes, if you want, of course. But I was planning to drive…”

“Sounds good to me. How long’s it been since we took a road trip together anyway?

An hour later, they were at a gas station stocking up on energy drinks and a medley of snack foods for the trip. Sami watched from an aisle over as Jey was recognized by a child with his mother. He noted the brief moment of frustration before Jey broke into a genuine smile, almost unnoticeable to someone who didn’t fully empathize with the experience. Sami smiled as well as he watched him interact with the boy. Jey would be a great dad.

A great dad? What was he thinking? Sami had never even thought of parenthood before. His schedule wasn’t the type that made it easy to attend PTA meetings and football games. He had found himself slipping into these thoughts about a future together with Jey more and more lately. He always squashed them as soon as they arose. They weren’t even through their trial period yet. Who’s to say Jey would even still want to be with him when it was over?

Food and drink secured, they started their journey to Memphis. Sami took the first shift driving. Getting to glance over at Jey singing along to a song or gazing out the window, occasionally feeling Jey’s hand resting on his thigh, felt like everything Sami had ever wanted. As deeply as Sami loved their new physical bond, this intimacy meant just as much to him. He relished the easy connection and give and take between them they had developed over the years, which hadn’t always been there, but when it was, created a sense of peace and contentment within him so profound it ached.

Sami needed to break the silence before he dissolved into a pile of goo. “You really are like a puppy.”

“Oh yeah?” Jey grinned at him, looking up from his phone, which he had been fixated on for the last half hour.

“Yeah. Window wide open. Letting out all the AC. I get it in the city, maybe. Driving down a backroad somewhere. But on the highway? You’re gonna go deaf.”

“Lucky you always so damn loud, then. I’ll be alright.” Jey’s hand was back on Sami’s thigh, a comforting weight that was just distracting enough to necessitate Sami placing both his hands on the wheel and all his attention on the road.

“I like how it feels.” Jey sounded contemplative.

“You do you, but you’ve got the next fill-up, then.”

“Oh, I see how it is. This whole time you just been wanting a sugar daddy?” The hand was now roaming the expanse of Sami’s upper leg. Sami stopped it with his own hand on top. Jey flipped his over, and they interlaced their fingers.

“Hell yeah. Retire early, sit back, and let you take care of things.” Jey’s phone buzzed, and he withdrew his hand. Sami could hear him tapping a response to the message he must have received. He glanced over, but the cellphone was angled away from him. One day Sami would conquer his insatiable curiosity, but that wasn’t today.

“What’re you working on?” It felt less intrusive and demanding than ‘who are you talking to’.

“Uh…” Jey’s hesitancy only stoked Sami’s interest, but he had learned that it was sometimes best for him to stay silent and let the absence of conversation coax Jey into responding, which is precisely what he did. And apparently it was effective, because a few minutes later, he continued.

“I don’t know. Don’t even know if it’ll go through, so I don’t wanna promise nothing yet.”

“Does it have to do with your plans the other day?”

“Actually, yeah. Kinda. I’ll know for sure Monday, and you’ll be the first person to hear about it.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” Sami switched lanes, noting the upcoming offramp. He wasn’t satisfied with the answer, but Jey had said he would tell him when he was ready, and he was willing to respect that.

“Where is you going, Sami?”

“I thought we could stop and get some lunch.”

“We ain’t even been driving three hours!” Jey looked incredulous.

“I know, but -” Sami stopped himself. Clarity. No hidden agendas or secrets. Even if they were as innocuous as the real reason he was currently pulling off the highway.

“We don’t have to be in Memphis until Sunday. We’re almost halfway there, so I thought we could stop and stay the night here. Spend a little more time together. Check out the nightlife.”

“Nightlife? In Oklahoma?” Jey broke into laughter, which Sami somewhat sheepishly joined him.

“Things have just been so crazy that we haven’t been able to go out. I want to take you out. If you feel like going out.”

“Really?” Sami was splitting his attention between adjusting the GPS and focusing on the road, so he just nodded.

Jey seemed to contemplate before responding. “You know what? Yeah, I do. Yeah, I wanna go out with my fine ass man.”

Jey studied Sami as he dressed. He was standing in the pool of evening sunlight filtering through the gap in the hotel’s blackout curtains, drawing out the flecks of amber in his dark eyes. Oblivious to Jey’s gaze, he was buttoning his shirt. Jey had decided against changing clothes. He knew he looked good.

“Ready?” Sami turned to face Jey, who was laid out across a stiff armchair.

“I’m ready whenever you ready. Though, actually –” Jey stood, stretched, then approached Sami slowly. He ran his hands under the wide collar of Sami’s shirt, palms flat, feeling Sami’s warmth through the thick fabric. Sami’s breath hitched. Jey straightened the collar, then undid the top couple of buttons, revealing the swell of Sami’s pecs and the thatch of coarse ginger hair that dusted them. He couldn’t stop himself from letting his fingertips linger on the newly exposed skin before he stepped back.

“There we go. Now we ready.”

.

Sami had the butterflies he usually only experienced before a major match or first date, which was ridiculous. He had gone out with Jey on countless occasions. But this was the first time it had been as a couple. Unfortunately, Jey had been correct about the entertainment prospects in the city they had stopped in. Sami had decided on the one club in town, which was apparently hosting some DJ Sami had never heard of before. It didn’t matter. It wasn’t about where they went or who was performing. It was about being with Jey.

He was close to regretting it now, however. The club was packed, despite it being spread over three floors. Once they were past the chatty bouncer and had edged through the clusters of revelers hovering around the entrance waiting for their friends to arrive, he made a beeline to the one miraculously free table. There were empty couches shoved in the corners of the floor they were currently on, but his skin crawled at the mere thought of how many different fluids had likely soaked into the cushions.

“Ain’t you gonna dance uce?”

“What?” The music was already blaring, making it nearly impossible to hear.

Jey leaned in close. “I thought we was gonna dance.”

Sami sometimes thought the one-year age difference between him and Jey felt closer to a decade. “Go get us some drinks first?”

“Yes, sir.” Jey’s smile was probably top 3 on Sami’s list of all time favorite things. He sat back, watching Jey wend his way through the crowd until he was situated at the bar. He stood out, taller than most of the men and bigger than the ones he wasn’t. Not only that, but he moved through the room with the air of a person who was entirely self-assured. He remembered the numerous times he’d seen him frightened, broken, and lost over the past few months, and felt even more honored that Jey had trusted him enough to come to him when his carefully constructed armor had been pierced. 

The sole bartender was slowly making his way through the groups of patrons around the bar. This might take awhile. Sami surveyed the crowd before turning his attention back to Jey, who was now engaged in conversation with the devastatingly handsome man standing beside him. Sami leaned forward, as if it would help him hear across the din. The man laughed, also leaning forward, moving into Jey’s space. Sami crossed his arms, tapping his foot.

He heard a chair being pulled out, and without even looking, snapped, “Seat taken.” He was grateful when the bartender finally reached Jey.

“Got you a 7 & 7.”

“Thanks, pet.” Sami took a swig of his drink as Jey situated himself beside him, pushing his chair closer until they were pressed against each other.

“I saw you made a friend.”

“Friend? Oh, yeah. He wanted to know what I did.”

“What’d you tell him?”

“Contractor.”

Sami laughed.

“What? I was at one point. Kind of. He wanted to get me a drink. Said he liked my tattoos and that it looks like I work out. I told him I do, sometimes.”

There it was again, that smile that Sami would do anything to see. He couldn’t help but to return it. “You really love compliments, huh?”

“Yeah? Just like you do. You know we don’t get as far as we have without a little ego. Nothing wrong with – Wait, is you jealous, Sami?”

Sami ran his hand through his hair, chagrined. He half smiled at Jey, waiting for the teasing he expected to come. Instead, Jey looked terrified, and Sami felt like he had missed something vital.

“We was just talking.” Jey was avoiding meeting Sami’s gaze, but when Sami reached out to him, he flinched away, his hand flying up to protect himself. Sami felt like he was going to vomit.

“Hey, it’s ok.” Sami sat back, posture open and unguarded, hands resting loosely on the table where Jey could see them. “It wasn’t so much jealousy.”

Jey grimaced, disbelieving.

“Ok, maybe just a little.” Sami drummed his fingers on the table. “But not in a bad way. I like being here with the hottest guy in the whole place.”

Jey was slowly decompressing, but he still looked tense. “Nah, I’m the one here with the hottest guy. I saw unc over there trying to come and make a move. Thought I was gonna have to come back and regulate.”

“Not a chance.” This time, Sami moved slowly, and Jey didn’t pull away when he took his hand. “But you should’ve seen the way people looked at you walking back. All eyes on you. Like a piece of art. I wish I could box you up, put you in a frame so I can carry you with me everywhere and look at you when I need to see something pretty.”

“Pretty?” Jey’s eyes were half-lidded, the tension from moments earlier seemingly dissipated.

“You like that, don’t you? When I call you pretty. You like to be admired.”

“I do. Who doesn’t? Especially if you’ve got all eyes on you.”

“It’s the truth. You are pretty. Breathtaking. Gorgeous. And to think you’re mine? I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but you better believe I take care of my belongings.”

“Damn, Sami, if you ain't chill out, we gonna have to head back to the hotel room!”

Sitting beside Jey with an arm around his shoulder, watching the thrumming crowd, eventually leaving their table and joining the mass of living, sweating, breathing humanity felt right. And later that night, returning back to the hotel room, covering Jey’s mouth with one hand while he gifted him pain and pleasure in equal measures before they fell asleep together in a tangle of bare skin, nothing but contentment heavy in the silence between them, felt right too.

Chapter Text

The rest of the trip passed uneventfully, but Jey couldn’t keep himself from feeling more keyed up the closer they got to Memphis. He didn’t know if he was more nervous about getting accepted back into the fold or getting shut out. On one hand, he missed it. He missed the physicality and the sense of direction and the ability to have thousands of people hanging off every word that left his mouth, oohing and aahing at every move. Added to that, he had worked hard to get where he was, and was no longer willing to just throw the decades of struggle aside.

On the other hand, if he was rehired, it was going to be different. He was going to be away from his brothers and Roman. He would be thrown to the wolves in a locker room with no support, surrounded by people whose careers he had shattered and who would now be gunning for his own. But Sami would be there, too.

He had decided to tell Sami of his plans 15 minutes out of the city, the novelty of being allowed to keep secrets wearing thin and overtaken by his need for feedback. Sami had been ecstatic, and immediately launched into a detailed plan for how he would help Jey, which Jey had to gently interrupt to inform him that this was something he needed to figure out on his own.  He wanted to do this by himself, for himself. Not for his family. Not for Sami.

With Sami sworn to secrecy, they separated at the hotel, Sami checking in and unloading their bags while Jey went for the first of his scheduled meetings.

The weekend passed in a blur of meetings, contract negotiations, and enough paperwork to have Jey spending evenings in the darkened hotel room with a cold compress on his forehead. Sami gave him space, focusing on his upcoming match in an attempt to keep from dwelling on Jey. It obviously wasn’t effective, because he found himself distracted all the way to a loss against Priest. He was pissed, mostly at himself. Yeah, the Judgment Day pulled out their typical dirty tricks, but he had been expecting it, and if he hadn’t been so spaced out, could have avoided it.

Kevin was also angry, also at Sami.

“You’ve been out of it all weekend. What’s wrong? And I swear, if it’s Jey again…” Kevin was shaking his head, seemingly incapable of verbalizing what the consequence of Sami’s continued Jey obsession would be.

“He’s coming back. Been meeting with management since Saturday. And he wants to sign to Raw.”

“You know, I offered to show you a few things because I thought it would help you get a little more confident, stop whining, and actually focus on what matters for once. But I guess it didn’t work. Sami.” Kevin closed his eyes, took a deep breath. “You know if Jey is signed to Raw they’re gonna have to make room for him on the roster, right?”

“Yeah, I guess, but they won’t transfer either of us. We’ve got the titles.”

“For now. Which is why you need to get your shit together quick, cuz you’re my best friend, and I love you, but if we lose this coming weekend, I’ll kill you.”

After a short stop at his California home on Monday to replenish his traveling supplies, Jey caught a flight Tuesday to Florida. Ostensibly to check on his property there that he hadn’t been to in months, but primarily because he didn’t want to be alone when he received the call of what decision had been made. He didn’t know if it was a good or bad sign that he hadn’t heard anything yet, but either way, he didn’t like it.

He got the call Tuesday night, partway through his and Sami’s dinner, and answered it immediately. He maintained his composure throughout, but immediately after hanging up, was on his feet, triumphant shout ringing through Sami’s luxuriant dining room.

“What? What’d they say?”

“I’m in, Sami. I’m back!”

As Sami swept Jey into a crushing hug, Jey glanced at his phone as he felt it buzz where it was still grasped in his hand.

🌠 Heard the good news. Had an idea about how to announce return. Meet up tomorrow to discuss?

Cody had helped Jey out. Big time. Why shouldn’t he see him? When Sami released him, Jey typed out a quick response message before practically bowling Sami over as he pulled him back in, full of adrenaline and relief.

Sami couldn’t stop smiling. As he pushed his cart around the store Wednesday morning, picking up items for the celebratory scene he was planning for Jey, it felt as if his very soul was full. He could think of nothing better than being on the road with Jey, getting to travel together and simply be together like they had the past few weeks.

Not only that, but it was a welcome change to see Jey looking excited and talking about plans instead of the listless brooding that he so often defaulted to since he had quit. Sami critically eyed the stick on sheet of mirrored acrylic he was currently holding. It shouldn’t break. He tossed it into the cart, moving on to the next item on his list.

Jey was flying high, and not just because of the joint he and Cody were passing between each other. He readily agreed with Cody’s suggestion of a Payback return, and management was just as receptive. Now they were just talking, enjoying each other’s company, and Jey felt as if some of his fears were being soothed. Maybe he wouldn’t be as alone on the other brand as he had expected. However, as time wore on, he found himself wishing that he could think of a way to cut off this interaction and go home to Sami. Sami had promised Jey something special today, and he was eager to know what it was. But he really was having fun. His first reservations settled in dully when Cody pulled out a sheet of what he recognized as acid tabs. It had been a few years since he dabbled in psychedelics, and he had never liked the anxiety they evoked in him.

“I don’t know ‘bout that. I been out so I don’t know the testing schedule.”

Cody shrugged. “You know they only really care about PEDs anyway, and if you cycle right they never catch it. Let loose a little. Celebrate.”

Jey did want to celebrate. He wanted to celebrate with Sami, whose one limit was that he wouldn’t fuck Jey if Jey weren’t sober. But it’s not like he would even know. Jey had built up a formidable tolerance over the years, and had got through more than one press conference solely because he was able to function with a level of substances in his system that would have most people blitzed out of their mind. Added to that, they had both been a little tipsy after the club last week, and that hadn’t stopped Sami then. Fuck it. Jey had earned this. He was feeling good anyways, and the anxiety usually only followed an already sour mood.

Sami surveyed his setup with pride. He had chosen his bedroom to stage the scene, starting with the foundation of an ishidaki board and a stepladder and building from there. The mirror had been a late addition to the plan, but he felt it was a stroke of genius. He wanted Jey to see himself the way Sami did, and what better way than to actually make him look at himself?

When he heard the door open and Jey enter the house, he did one last survey of the room, excitement blooming through his chest. Everything was ready.

.

Jey wasn’t sure how he had managed to get a ride back to Sami’s house, but he was glad he had because when he felt Sami’s hands on him and felt his voice modulating around him like someone was reaching inside his throat and turning the volume up and down, he felt completely whole. Then they were in his bedroom and Jey was kneeling on a ridged board, and it felt like a massage, and there was another ridged surface that his chest was resting on, and when had he taken his shirt off?  He felt something cloth being thrust between his lips and tied behind his head, and it was as if all the moisture was being wicked from his mouth.

That wasn’t ideal, but he was quickly distracted by his arms being wrenched upward, attached to something above him, and then seconds (minutes? hours?) later, something clamped down on each of his nipples and he tried to jerk away from the feeling but couldn’t. Then the pinch turned into a tug, and he found any movement he made just added to the pain. It wasn’t unpleasant. Jey’s thoughts were skipping, fragmenting. He realized his eyes were closed.

When he opened them, he was looking at himself. He squeezed his eyes shut vigorously, shook his head, then opened them again. Of course. A mirror. He laughed, and the sound reached his ears minutes after it left his mouth. Ok. So he was a little more fucked up than he had anticipated getting. But he could get through this. He found he could only choose one sense to focus on. He could hear Sami speaking, or feel the ridges digging into his knees, or taste the orange that was now coating the mirror.

Jey wanted to close his eyes, but he couldn’t, transfixed by the sight of his thoughts dragging across the ochre-colored mud that was covering the mirror. Each one was like a stone, forming a pattern of overlapping 7s down the length of the surface. The orange was an acrid, burning flavor coating his tongue that reminded him of piss. He must have got Roman mad again. But he was with Sami. That was Sami behind him, giving him sensation that he could barely perceive, too engrossed in the winding pattern of each thought. He should tell him to stop, so they could watch together.

Jey attempted to speak, but couldn’t, tongue heavy and dry. He tried to scream, but nothing came out. Wasn’t there a way he could tell Sami to stop without speaking? He wracked his brain, but came up empty. He knew he was panicking, but it felt far away, and when he tried to run to catch the feeling, he found he couldn’t move. Jey watched in dull horror as his thoughts began to spiral, the sevens turning into concentric circles, dragging him into and through the mirror. Now everything was black, and it tasted like salted licorice, and the strong flavor filling his parched mouth was enough to make him feel like he was going to empty his guts and choke. Jey realized with horrified certainty that he was going to die. Roman was going to finish what he’d started and kill him.

.

Sami took a moment to step back and enjoy his work. The gag had been his final touch after seeing the way Jey had responded so enthusiastically to Sami covering his mouth in Oklahoma. Jey had gone down easy this time, and Sami wondered if it was because of the progress they’d made towards open, honest communication. He felt closer to Jey, and maybe Jey had also grown in his trust in Sami enough to truly let go. Whatever it was, he was a masterpiece.

Sami stepped forward, running a hand over Jey’s spine. He didn’t respond. But Sami did. He jerked back. Sami didn’t know how he hadn’t realized it when he was helping Jey undress, but he was burning up. Sami’s hand was wet from just the one touch. He ran a hand through his hair and found that it was sopping. What was going on?

“Baby, squeeze my hand twice if you’re ok.” He placed his hand in Jey’s where it was bound to the handle of the stepladder, but it just lay there limply. Fuck. Sami quickly untied him, pulled out the makeshift gag, and rolled Jey off the board. He had forgotten about the clamps, and they ripped off, which he knew had to be excruciating. Jey barely reacted.

“What’s wrong, Jey? Look at me!”

Jey seemed to be having difficulty focusing Sami, but when he finally did and Sami saw his dilated pupils, heard him slur out “Sorry, Joe,” it was as if he was transported back to finding Jey more dead than alive in his hotel room, desperately trying to save his life, and something within Sami switched off. He wasn’t afraid. He wasn’t frantic or concerned for Jey’s well being. He felt cold and detached, as if he was reading about the man in front of him calling him by the wrong name instead of experiencing it. One thing was horribly apparent. He couldn’t do this anymore.

Sami had never been more grateful to live near Jimmy. He helped Jey get dressed and then bundled him into his car along with his bags. Jey spent the drive mutely staring at his hand. Sami had told Jimmy he was coming, but it was still a relief to see him waiting on the doorstep.

Sami nudged Jey, who looked up lethargically. “Come on. Get out.” Jey turned toward the door, brow furrowed, and Sami slammed his fist into his own thigh. He threw open his own door and marched around to the passenger side, opening Jey’s door and none-too-gently pulling him out. Jimmy was still watching from the door and Sami threw his hands up in frustration.

“You planning to help, Jim?”

When Jimmy reached them, he whistled. “He toasted.”

“Yeah, I gathered that.”

“But this ain’t from herb. What did you give him?” The accusation in Jimmy’s voice was the last straw needed to push Sami completely over the edge. He turned back to his vehicle and grabbed Jey’s bags, throwing them on the ground at Jimmy’s feet.

“Nothing. I didn’t give him shit, ok? He showed up like this an hour ago, and because I’m a fucking dumbass, I didn’t – You know what, it doesn’t matter.” Sami slid back into the driver’s seat. Jimmy rapped on the passenger side, and Sami reluctantly rolled down the window.

“So what do you want me to tell him when he sleeps it off and wakes up all scared and confused because you just dumped him here?”

“Tell him whatever you want. I’m done with this bullshit.”

“You really gonna walk out on him like that?” Jimmy puncutated the statement with his fist slamming into the hood of Sami’s car, which Sami took as his cue to drive off. He could hear Jimmy’s continued shouting as he drove back down the driveway.  “I tried to tell him, this is what you do! You run like a little bitch! Fine, go! He better off without you!”

Kevin had been right, like always. Sami let Jey distract him, let himself get lulled into a false sense of trust and security, just for Jey to betray him and step all over Sami’s one expressed boundary, the one limit Sami had established. Just because Jey had thrown away his career and now had to struggle to climb his way back in didn’t mean Sami had to go down with him. He would focus on the title defense, focus on continuing to fight his way to the top just like he had his whole life. But every mile he drove that led him further away from Jey felt wrong.

Chapter Text

Sami was furious, and he didn’t know where to direct the rage. He had already lifted to failure in every muscle group, ran until his lungs ached, and was now sitting on his veranda in the humid evening air, glaring at the chubby tabby cat that was sitting primly before him, end of its tail twitching as it cooly met his gaze.

“What?”

The cat didn’t move.

“I’ll feed you later, yeah?”

It might as well have been a statue.

“You’re one to judge me. You haven’t had to deal with ‘Oh, everything’s good now, right? We got through the latest misunderstanding? I made it through the trauma trigger minefield? No, there’s something else I missed and now he’s fucking… dissociating or trying to kill himself or coming here right out of it when we’d been planning this afternoon together since yesterday.  All you do is hang around mooching off whoever’s got food.”          

The cat gave him one last disdainful look before standing up slowly and walking away, shaking each paw as it did so as if ridding itself of the dust of Sami’s yard.

“Yeah, and tell your friends, too!”

On the way back inside, he paused at the bin he kept stocked with the highest quality kibble he could find, filling the dishes he left out for the neighborhood strays. This was his current situation.  Losing arguments to cats.

He kept remembering glancing in the rearview mirror, seeing Jey standing in the driveway, looking alone despite his seething twin standing beside him with an arm around his waist to steady him.  And as incensed as he was, he couldn’t stop himself from hurting for Jey. But he wasn’t going to let himself get drawn into guilt and shame and self-loathing. Not this time. Jey had made his decisions. Sami had made his. And he could live with that.

Sami decided to go for a drive. He got into the same car he had pulled Jey out of just hours earlier.  Maybe he would head straight to Pennsylvania for his match on Friday. Show Kevin he was refocused by getting there early. It was what, 15 hours? But he dismissed the idea as soon as it arose. He was exhausted. Besides, he didn’t want to face the solitude of a long solo ride after the warm, bright, perfect trip he had just shared with Jey.

He sat in the car, still in the garage, and rested his head on the steering wheel. The new position revealed the corner of something white sticking out underneath the driver’s seat. He pulled at it listlessly, then with greater intent when he realized what it was. When he finally freed it from where it had been wedged, he examined the notebook, now with deep gouges in the cover where it had been caught underneath the driver’s seat.

It must have fallen out of one of Jey’s bags when he had thrown them haphazardly in the back seat. Sami traced the scars he had inadvertently torn into the notebook. Despite his promise, he hadn’t read a single word since assigning Jey the task. He had practically forgotten about the notebook. Jey had probably done the same. Sami doubted he had written a single entry. He let the book fall open and, to his surprise, saw Jey hadn’t forgotten.

Each page was carefully dated and filled out in tiny, neat handwriting, starting from the 19^th of August when he had gifted Jey the notebook. And it wasn’t just a few sentences or half a page for each day. Some days stretched across multiple pages, each one a record of the day, of Jey’s desires, of how he felt about Sami. Each time he saw words like “safe” or “love” or “trust” in Jey’s handwriting referencing his experiences with and feelings for Sami, Sami felt the fury within him twisting into something closer to sorrow. He didn’t want to let go of the anger. Not yet. But he could feel it draining away like dirty snow melting into a storm sewer.

Later that evening, Sami looked at the two open notebooks before him. One, leather, weathered from being carried from city to city first by Jey, then Roman, then Sami. The other, cheap cardboard with pages still crisp. The words written were as dissimilar as the notebooks they were contained within. Sami glanced at his phone.

He couldn’t help himself from experiencing a surge of anticipation every time he heard a buzz. He was being ridiculous, childish. He should call Jey. He should make sure he was ok. He should talk through what had happened earlier in the day. But he was tired of talking. For the first time since he had found Jey lying unresponsive on the ground less than a month earlier, Sami cried. The tears continued even after he finally fell asleep, soaking into his pillows long after his sobs had quieted.

When he awoke the next day, face wet from the pool of tears it had been resting on, the first thing he did was check his phone. Nothing from Jey. A few emails. A missed call. And one text message from Roman.

Sami was angry at himself as he stopped at the gate, entered the code, and drove down the luxurious drive. He shouldn’t have come. Roman seemed to think he still had the right to snap his fingers and have Sami drop everything and come running like a well-trained dog. And Sami wasn’t doing much to disprove him. But this wasn’t about some kind of dick-measuring contest between Roman and Sami. Once again, this was about Jey. And Sami breaking things off didn’t mean that he suddenly no longer cared how Jey was doing.

Sami walked into the house without knocking. Roman knew he was coming and it wasn’t like it was Sami’s first time here. There was a time when he had felt completely at ease entering Roman’s residence, when it had felt like a second home. Now, it felt like he was on the edge of a minefield. He wondered how it felt for Jey when he came back. 

Sami glanced around the house. Empty. Immaculate. Imposing. His footsteps echoed as he made his way deeper into the bowels of the home. Rooms whose bones looked familiar but whose skin was new and sterile. And there was Roman in the sitting room he had converted into an opulent office.

Sami knew Roman had heard him enter. But he didn’t give any indication of this, seemingly engrossed in something on his desktop screen. So, this was how it was going to be.

“Where’s he at?”

“Sleeping.” Roman didn’t turn, but he did push himself back from the desk, stretching his legs out before him. He didn’t say anything more, and Sami forced himself not to shift in place or say something to fill the intentional silence the other man was letting settle heavy and poisonous between them. Roman was sitting with his back to Sami, defenseless, while Sami stood over him, yet Roman was firmly in control of the situation.

Roman finally seemed satisfied with whatever he was working on and swung the chair around. Apparently, Sami wasn’t worthy of him getting to his feet.

“I don’t like you.” Sami inclined his head slightly. The sentiment was a shared one. “But I didn’t think you were such a little bitch.”

Sami laughed, just a huff of air. Jimmy called him a little bitch yesterday, Roman today. All he needed was Jey for the hat trick. “Guess you were wrong. Glad to get your expectations in line with reality. Did you ask me to come here for a reason, or did you just want to gloat? Because if that’s all, I’ll head out. I’ve got places to be. I’ve got work to do.”

“Work.” Roman was the one scoffing now. “That’s the problem. You know nature vs nurture?”

“What? Yeah, I guess.” The whiplash from the sudden change in topic left Sami feeling disoriented.

“It’s bullshit.” Roman paused, leaning back in the chair. “I grew up with Jey and Jimmy. We have the same blood. Same nature, same nurture. But they’ve been fuckups since we was little.”

“That’s not fair.” Sami didn’t understand how he could feel so vulnerable while looking down at someone. “Everyone makes mistakes when they’re kids.”

“Yeah, everyone fucks up when they kids. Everyone is stupid. But then, you gotta decide if you’re gonna learn and grow, or if you’re gonna stay stuck in that losing mentality. Because it’s not about your shitty childhood or who your daddy is. You know our business.  There’s risers, and there’s workers. I’m a riser. I rose, and I dragged Josh and Jon along with me because I wasn’t gonna keep letting them pull our family through the dirt. I wasn’t going to let them ruin the legacy of the generations of lives in our bloodline that were paid in full to this profession.” Roman glanced back at the computer screen before continuing.

“But you’re not a riser. Jey sure as hell ain’t a riser. And that’s fine. There’s a place for everyone. You, Sami, you a worker. You work so hard, and people cheer cuz look at little Sami out there, working his earnest little heart out. But that’s all you’ll ever be. That’s all Jey will ever be.”

Sami leaned forward, but Roman held a hand up, cutting him off before he could even begin. “And Jey’s not just a worker, he a follower. I wasn’t fair to him.  How could I expect him to follow me where he couldn’t go? He can’t reach any higher. So he should fight in his own weight class. He should follow you.”

Sami was shaking his head, disbelieving. “Even if I agreed with anything you just said, who says I want him to follow me? I don’t know how he got here or what you think you know, but I’m done.”

“Then why are you here?”

Sami felt a muscle twitching in his jaw from how tightly he was clenching his teeth together. Roman had a point.

“I told you Jey was here and you came running. Don’t seem like you done to me.”

“What’s your point?”

“My point is, he came to me. He’s mine, and that’s never gonna change. But being around me makes him want to rise above what he’s capable of. He should be with someone like him.”

“Who says he needs to be with anyone? He can take care of himself.”

This time, Roman responded not with a scornful scoff but a genuine, delighted peal of laughter. “He’s weak. If he don’t have someone to guide him, he self-destructs. You know this.”

“That’s not true!” Sami couldn’t hold back anymore. “And I hope you keep on thinking like that. Keep doubting him. Keep judging him by mistakes he made in the past. It’ll just make it even sweeter when he surpasses you. And I ‘came running’ because I wasn’t going to just leave him with you. I know what you’ve done to him.”

“Beside being at his same level of lifelong mediocrity, you ain’t got nothing to offer Jey that I couldn’t give him times a hundred. Look.” Roman pointed at the computer with his head, rolling his chair away so the screen was clearly visible to Sami.

Sami stepped forward, scanning the article that Roman had pulled up. It was from a newspaper he didn’t recognize. It covered the arrest of some serial abuser, including a photograph of the perpetrator. His face was so battered and swollen that Sami had to look away.  It reminded him too much of how they had found Jey in that monster’s house, even in the black and white newsprint. Actually… Sami looked at the article more closely. The more he studied the man, the more he thought he looked familiar. He turned around. He could feel the blood draining from his face.

Roman was smiling. His hands were steepled on his lap as he drank in Sami’s reaction to his realization.

“When you ain’t gotta work day in, day out, you got time to take care of real business.”

“When… How did they? How did you?”

“Turns out Jey wasn’t the first. Just the one he went the farthest with. Guess he pretended to be some sort of community leader and targeted guys who were new to the scene, told them if they said anything they’d be blacklisted from every group in the city to keep them quiet.”

Sami turned his gaze back to the screen, fist clenching and unclenching spasmodically. “How’d they catch him?”

The sinister smirk slowly spreading across Roman’s face was enough to draw goosebumps to the surface of Sami’s skin. “He turned himself in. Seems like he developed a conscience.”

Sami turned his back to the screen. The man who had nearly killed Jey was behind bars, put there by another man who had nearly killed Jey. As far as he was concerned, Roman was just as bad as Asher. If not worse. Asher had just been a pickup. Roman professed to love and care about Jey yet had still broken him down completely without a single thought to putting the pieces back together.

Sami remembered the difference in what was written in the two notebooks he had left at home. The one in which Jey recorded his and Roman’s trysts was full of fear, self-loathing, and shame. And yeah, there had been similar themes in some of the entries in the one Sami had given him. But there were also mentions of hope and love and security.

“I know why I’m here.” Sami was trying to gain some semblance of control. “But why did you ask me to come?

Sami thought he heard movement beyond the door, but when he glanced back, no one was there. Roman had also looked to the door. His voice raised with his response.

“I ain’t running a group home. He can’t stay here. I don’t want him. Thought you’d rather come get him than leave him to wander the streets like a stray. You know what happened last time you let him off the leash.”

“He’s not mine to “come get”. He can make his own decisions about where he wants to go.” Jey wasn’t Sami’s. That wasn’t what he’d been saying just one night ago. But Sami couldn’t let himself back down. He had reached his limit of what he was willing – no, what he was capable of tolerating.

“Really?” Roman was reclining leisurely in the chair, eyebrows raised in disbelief. “Because I saw some new marks on him when he came and offered himself to me last night. Worth it, hmm? Worth what? Worth you?” Roman chuckled, low and amused. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t scar things that ain’t mine.” Roman lowered his voice further, glancing at the door, before continuing.

“Cut whatever you want into him. Tell him whatever lies about what he is and what he’s capable of that you want. It won’t change the fact that I own him. I’m lending him to you, Sami, because you ain’t a threat. You’re just a chew toy to keep him busy for a while. Just remember; you and him can splash around in the kiddy pool all you want, but he’s always gonna start missing real depth, and he’ll always be back.”

Jey stood in the hallway outside Roman’s office, head pounding. It didn’t matter how many times Jey heard Roman say he didn’t want him. He couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t even that he wouldn’t let himself believe. It was that he knew the love between them was real. No matter how cruel Roman had grown, no matter how much he tore him down, how much he had done and allowed to be done to him that still led to Jey waking from nightmares screaming and soaked in sweat, Jey knew the love was there. He saw it when they were kids and nobody messed with Jey because they knew they’d have hell to pay if they did. He saw it when Roman had first been diagnosed and all his dreams had seemed to crash around his shoulders and Jey had spent the whole night with him, processing the topsy turvy future ahead of them.  He had seen it last night when he had shown up at his front door, head still swimming, and Roman had taken him inside. True, what had followed might not fit into most people’s definition of “love.” It fit Jey’s.

But who’s to say there’s only room for one grand, all-consuming love in a person’s heart? If the mighty organ could sustain his whole body, why couldn’t it, too, hold space for two? Jey had successfully torn himself from Roman’s grasp. In a matter of days, he would be able to prove himself apart from his family for the first time in his life. But he still loved them so deeply and desperately that to remove the love would be to stop his heart beating. Removing the love for Roman would require removing said heart from his chest. If there was one thing he had learned definitively over the past months, it was that.

But now, there was the love for Sami, and that was just as deep, just as profound, even if it was also confusing and new and terrifying. So why not have both? He could stand beside Sami and love him closely, intimately, warm and bright and searing. And he could love Roman from afar, even if it hurt. Because another thing he had learned is that being around Sami was like a soothing balm. It didn’t heal his wounds, but it eased the ache. And he could handle the low-grade, ever-present throb. It was the sharp sting that broke him.

Jey heard footsteps approaching the door, and he hurried down the hall. He hadn’t heard the tail end of the conversation. He didn’t know if Sami even wanted to see him. But Jey was the one who had fucked things up, and Jey was going to be the one to make things right.

The reunion (could it even be called that - they’d been apart less than a day) was as stilted and awkward as Sami had feared it would be. They both needed to leave for tomorrow’s show. He still didn’t know what he wanted. And he wasn’t going to have this conversation here. But he knew they needed to talk. He owed Jey that much at least. Besides, he had been taken by an idea, something he had read in Jey’s daily log, a desire he had never expressed to Sami aloud but had felt comfortable detailing in writing.

So they went their separate ways, Sami to gather the supplies he was already making a list of in his head, Jey back home, where they were going to meet later in the day before catching their respective flights. Sami didn’t feel like taking Jey back to his place and Jey had offered some vague comment about wanting to change clothes. Good. Sami didn’t know if it was just because they were in Roman’s house, but his scent seemed to emanate from Jey.

When Sami arrived at Jey’s house, shopping bag in hand, he knocked. Surprisingly, the underlying nerves that he experienced ever since he and Jey entered into their short-lived agreement were nowhere to be found. After all, Sami had already decided he was done. He was willing to hear if Jey had something he could say that would convince Sami that this never-ending stringing along and walking on eggshells and lack of communication could change. Either way, there was nothing wrong with getting a gift for Jey. He could use it with someone else besides Sami. After all, they would be working much more closely together now. If this was the end of their experiment, there was nothing to say they couldn’t continue to rebuild their friendship. Sami would just have to forget the perfect, soft, desperate side of Jey he’d seen that was now tattooed across his psyche and defining his desires.

They sat opposite each other at the quartz countertop that bisected Jey’s spacious kitchen. Adversaries, not partners. And they began.

“What was that yesterday?” Sami took the offensive. Jey parried.

“I could ask the same question. You tell me I can’t walk out, I gotta talk things through, and that’s what I been doing. It ain’t been easy but I’ve done it because you asked me to, and then you go and do the exact same shit that you tell me I can’t. How’s that make sense, uce?”

Touché. Sami was knocked off guard. He hadn’t considered that what he had done had been to shut down and cut off communication in the way Jey had done initially that had terrified Sami. But it wasn’t like this was a pattern for him. That was his first time walking out on him, and it had been the culmination of months of patience and forgiveness. That couldn’t last forever. And Jey hadn’t answered him.

.

Jey watched, triumphant, as Sami spun his wheels. Sami’s abandonment without so much as a text or a call had been running through his head since Roman had risen from the bed last night and left him alone, full but not satisfied.

~

He had heard the lock click shut, and knew he had a long, solitary night ahead of him. He knew Roman’s homes as intimately as his own, and the room he was in was no exception. It was one of the largest in the house, with an en-suite bathroom and barred, floor-to-ceiling windows on the far wall. Roman used to like to chain him to the bars and use him with the curtains drawn back, telling him everyone in the city below could look up and see what a slut he was. The door locked from the outside, with a doorknob that wasn’t the typical sort seen inside houses that could be picked with anything narrow and flat. No, this one required a key, a key that Jey wasn’t in possession of.

So he had remained where he was put, content in the knowledge that he would be released when Roman saw fit. But he definitely wasn’t going to be able to sleep, not with the piercing pain in his head and equally painful thoughts and emotions that made him pace the luxurious room restlessly, a caged leopard. Why were things so different between Roman and Sami? Roman did whatever he wanted. He never explained himself, he never took Jey’s needs or desires into consideration. And Jey accepted it all unquestioningly. If anything, he loved him even more because of it.

Just like tonight. Roman had fucked him wordlessly, then left. And Jey hadn’t felt hurt or abandoned. He had felt calm and assured, like he was finally on unmoving, stable ground after an earthquake. So why was it that when Sami had done nearly the same thing, he had felt so wounded and betrayed? He didn’t understand and his head was still too fuzzy even to attempt to comprehend. But it hadn’t stopped him from dwelling on it until he finally fell asleep in the bathtub, water off, clothes on. When he awoke, the door was unlocked, and he had blearily made his way downstairs, stumbling into eavesdropping on the conversation between Roman and Sami.

~

Jey struck while he still had the advantage. “You ain’t got nothing to say now? That’s real convenient, Sami.”

“Yeah, I walked out. I walked out after I made sure you were safe and there was someone to make sure you didn’t fucking die because I was scared! You don’t know what it was like for me when you OD’d and I found you lying there. I thought you were dead! I still dream about it! I can’t go through that again. So, when you stopped responding to me yesterday, and I saw your eyes… I was right back in that hotel room. And you did that to me, intentionally. I gave you one boundary. One! And that was too much for you.”

Sami’s breaths were coming in sharp hisses between his gritted teeth by the time he finished, and Jey’s righteous anger was deflated like tires driven over spike strips. He looked down, unable to meet Sami’s eyes, bright with anger and what looked like the beginning glint of tears.  Jey didn’t have any excuses or justifications. He had even thought about his and Sami’s agreement before accepting the acid yesterday. He had considered the impact psychedelics had on him previously. He had been looking forward to celebrating with Sami. What was wrong with him? 

“I might be thinking of limits more like… suggestions.”

“That’s not an excuse.”

“I’m not trying to make excuses. You gonna let me talk?”

“I’m sorry.”

Jey nodded, acknowledging the apology. “I’m trying to figure it out. Thinking out loud, get me?”

Sami nodded, remained silent. Jey cast his gaze up to the ceiling, as if the answers would be written above him.

“When you asked me what my limits were, I didn’t want to say. Because I didn’t want to limit you, but also cuz I ain’t think it would matter. And I guess…” Jey curled his toes inside his shoe. It was a trick he had learned years ago, when he didn’t want to seem nervous—a physical way to release the tension without telegraphing that he was tense.

“I thought I would be fine. I’m sorry, Sami.”

“You get where I’m coming from though, right? It doesn’t matter if you ‘thought you would be fine.’ That makes it worse! It means you were hoping to hide it from me. Do you understand what I’m saying? Do you understand how that would make me feel?” Sami sounded like he was begging Jey to understand more than asking if he did.

“I do. I’m sorry. I really am. I’ll make it up to you. What do you want? You want me to go vegan? You want me to cut out everything – I won’t drink, won’t smoke, nothing, if that’s what you want. Take a page outta Phil’s book.”

Sami laughed at that, and Jey felt minutely better. It was like there had been a shift in the room, and they were working together to solve this conflict instead of fighting each other. “God, no. I don’t want you to be anything like that asshole. And I’d never ask you to make changes like that. I love you for who you are. I don’t want you to change to fit who you think I want you to be. It just hurt when you disregarded my limit like that. And like I said, I was scared. And I was mad that I didn’t realize something was off before we got to that point.”

Love. That hadn’t been Sami’s main point, but hearing the word being applied to Jey relaxed Jey even further. Sami still loved him.  He wasn’t going to yank that love out from under him or use it as a weapon to hurt Jey.

“That’s the last time, I promise.” Jey was finally able to meet Sami’s gaze again. He also looked more relaxed, albeit skeptical. It’s ok. Jey didn’t mind having to prove himself to Sami.

“I think…” Sami looked thoughtful, head slightly tilted, eyes narrowed in concentration. “I think we need to renegotiate.”

“What?” Jey’s heart was immediately in his throat. “It ain’t even been a month yet! I meant it when I said I was sorry. It won’t happen again, Sami, I promise you. You ain’t got no reason to trust me, but I mean it, I promise, Sami!”

Sami placed his hand on the counter between them, palm up, and Jey took it without hesitation.

“I know. I believe you.” Jey let out a deep breath. “But the first time we did this, were you being honest?”

“No.” It was the truth and Jey only saw Sami’s trust and love to be lost and nothing to be gained by hiding it.

“I thought so. Let’s try this again, yeah?”

“What do you want from this relationship?” Jey’s notebook was now between them on the table. Sami had packed it in his bag at the last minute and was now grateful for this.

“I want to feel small.” Jey’s answer was as confident as the bold words he scrawled across the page, but he furrowed his brow when he looked up in time to see Sami’s wince.

“You don’t like that?”

“You’re not small.”

“I know. And I’m not gonna try and make myself small anymore. I’m gonna get so damn big I fill up every marquee in every city we land in. But sometimes it feels good to be insignificant and owned. Like I ain’t gotta make any decisions or have any responsibility, and if I fuck up, it don’t matter.”

Sami considered this statement for a moment. Even if he couldn’t comprehend finding comfort in relinquishing control, he could understand where Jey was coming from. “That makes sense.”

“What ‘bout you? What do you get outta this?”

Sami had to think for longer than Jey had.  When they first started, he had been motivated by the desire to make Jey happy. He had something Jey needed that he had the power to give, and that had been enough. But things had grown so far beyond that point. What did Sami want?”

“You.” Jey’s eyes widened, and Sami wondered where and when he had completely lost the filter between his mind and mouth. “But that’s not all,” he hurriedly continued, “I also feel like I’m…” Sami cast around for the right word. “Growing? Or like, I was a puzzle in a bunch of different pieces, you know? And now I’m fitting them together because of our relationship. I want to keep on learning and growing. Not just for you, but for me too.” Sami leaned forward, and underneath Jey’s answer, wrote his own. Growth.

“Next one.” Sami wrote one word in the notebook in large letters, taking up four lines. “Limits.” Jey began to shift in his seat. “I’ll go first.”

“You know one of them.” Sami wrote beneath the heading in smaller letters. “I will only play sober.”

“Wait.” Jey was leaning forward. “That’s been bothering me from the beginning. ‘Play.’ ‘Scene.’ All these words you use. I don’t like ‘em.”

“Why not?” Sami set down the pen, turning his attention to Jey.

“Because this ain’t a game. This is real life. So why you talking about Play and Scene like we on Broadway?”

Jey looked distraught, and Sami was confused. However, at the same time he felt as if the slow, rusted cogs that ran his stupid brain were starting to turn. He began slowly, carefully.

“I say scene, because for me, it’s contained. But it’s not for you, is it?”

Jey shook his head. “I ain’t think it was for you, neither. You said you could do this all the time. 24/7. So then, what’s a scene and what’s real?”

Sami was perplexed, with a growing sense of shame. He had agreed to a constant dynamic of taking charge and being in control of Jey. He remembered making that agreement. But he definitely hadn’t held up his side of the bargain.

“I didn’t realize. I’m sorry, Jey.” Jey didn’t say anything, just watched Sami with his arms crossed and jaw set. Sami didn’t want to say the next words, but knew he had to.

“I don’t think that 24/7 is something I can do.”

Jey’s posture crumbled, arms falling loosely to his side.

“I shouldn’t have asked for it.” Jey’s tone was low, ashamed. Sami wanted to jump in, but waited to ensure Jey had nothing else to add.

“No, I’m glad you did. I thought that was something I was capable of. Apparently, I’m not. Not yet at least. But we can come back to this, later. Reevaluate when we’ve both had some more time to think.”

“I don’t like this.” Jey ran his finger over the pattern on the countertop. “But I get you. What if I need you to take control outside of a scene?” He grimaced at the word but continued. “What then?”

Sami pondered the question. “Maybe we can have a sign? Like, you squeeze my shoulder three times?” Sami demonstrated, leaning forward and gripping Jey’s shoulder three times firmly in rapid succession.

“Yeah, that works for me. And you can do the same. When you see me losing control and hafta step in.”

It was Sami’s turn not to like what he was hearing, and he would follow Jey’s lead in expressing that. “I don’t think you lose control. I think you allow yourself to feel and react. But if I see the need to step in, I will.” He added the last statement when he saw the mutinous expression growing on Jey’s face.

“It’s partially me being selfish.” This was the perfect time to bring up something else that had been troubling Sami.

 “I want to keep things contained. I want you to know when we’re going to be playing and what to expect, because I can tell you’re afraid I’m going to hurt you, and it makes me feel like shit.”

“What do you mean? You don’t want me to react?”

“No. In scene, it’s hot. But then we’re done, and it stays there for me, and I know it doesn’t for you. Just… like when I lifted my hand in the club, and you jumped back like you thought I would hit you. That fucking hurt, Jey. It made me second guess everything we’ve done together. So, I’ll take charge outside scenes if you need me to. But I won’t hurt, degrade, or humiliate you outside of scenes, ok? And there’s another limit.”

Sami wrote this down.

“Your turn. That’s two for me.”

.

“I gave you two already.” Jey wrote down his previously stated limits—no permanent damage. No sharing. He lingered on the latter, remembering last night, and scribbled it out. Sami lifted his eyebrows, but didn’t inquire further, for which Jey was grateful.

“I guess I owe you another.” Jey placed the end of the pen between his lips, thinking hard. There were other things he didn’t want, things he hated. The hard part was saying them out loud. So, he wouldn’t. Jey began to write.

No piss. He scratched this out, then wrote,

No bodily fluids except for blood, cum, sweat, and spit.

Gags = maybe.

Nothing that will keep me from performing or training for more than a day.

No interfering with my career.

You can’t keep me from my family. He pressed the pen down extra hard at the end of the last sentence before surveying his list. He didn’t know if the heat rising up his neck was from embarrassment or the beginning of arousal at the thought that renegotiating could very well serve as a prelude to testing out their new terms, but either way he kept his head down.

.

Sami felt guilt swelling within him when he saw “Gags=maybe,” remembering how he had gagged Jey without asking yesterday, and without even having a nonverbal safeword established. But this time, he knew the guilt was unwarranted and unhelpful. They had learned. They were moving on. He did speak up when he saw the last limit, Jey writing so emphatically that the pen tore through the paper.

“What do you mean with the last two?”

Jey looked at Sami defiantly. No, not defiant. He was afraid. “Can’t ask me to take a dive or nothing like that. And my family comes first, including Joe.”

“Ok.” Sami hoped his voice sounded as supportive as he intended. He couldn’t help but to remember Roman’s comments this morning.

“He’s always gonna start missing real depth. And he’ll always be back.” Maybe that was the truth. Maybe it wasn’t. Either way, Jey’s limits were more than reasonable, even if Sami thought he shouldn’t want to be anywhere near his cousin.

“What’s next?” Sami looked at what had been written so far. His mind was blank.

“Maybe, for now, we just sign it? And we keep adding to it as things come up?”

“Works for me.” Jey signed the bottom of the page with a flourish before pushing the notebook to Sami. Sami did the same, then they were both still for a moment, staring at the living document between them.

“Can you imagine if someone got ahold of this?” Jey broke the silence first. “Sent it to PSA or something to get it authenticated? That would sell for beaucoup bucks. Probably net someone enough to retire.”

Jey was smiling, and Sami grinned in return, slightly dazed by Jey speaking French. He wasn’t even aware he needed that, but he sure knew now.

“I guess there’s retirement plans taken care of, then. I’ll keep it and sell it myself if I need to.” They both laughed, the tension in the room long since dissipated. Sami stood, rustling the bag he had looped over the back of his chair as he did so. Jey locked in on it.

“What’d you get me?”

Sami couldn’t help but laugh, because Jey wasn’t wrong.

“A present. Got any disinfectant spray?”

Once the countertop was sanitized, and the chairs rearranged so they were seated beside instead of across from each other, Sami began slowly revealing items from the bag, one at a time. He started with the most ambiguous, drawing out the suspense. What could he do? He was a showman at heart.

Alcohol wipes. Gloves. Saline Spray. Surgical steel captive bead rings. Jey broke into a wide smile when he unveiled the hypodermic needles.

 “You read what I wrote!” His eyes were bright with wonder, his smile completely genuine. He looked like a kid experiencing their first ever pro wrestling show.  

“I did.” Sami wondered if he should tell him he had barely read it yesterday but decided that particular disclosure wouldn’t be beneficial right now.

“Ain’t you gonna go do your research first? Go to a seminar on ‘Play Piercing Through the Decades’ or something?”

“I don’t know.” Sami shrugged, feeling his own smile growing to match Jey’s. “I thought we could just wing it.”

“Wing it?” Jey’s smile, impossibly, widened, and he actually  kicked his feet. “Sounds good to me!”

Sami spread the supplies before them. “Want to start?” Jey nodded, but his excitement seemed to diminish slightly. Sami pulled his shirt off, not missing the way Jey’s eyes lingered over his exposed torso. He laid his arm out on the counter between them. Jey ripped open the packaging of one of the needles, talking while he did so.

“I’ve done this before. I used to charge my cousins and kids at school 50 a piercing when I first got my learner’s permit freshman year. Got my ass beat by my pops when he found out, but it was worth it. Made enough to buy a shitbox I drove into the dirt.”

“I think you’re nervous.” Sami watched as Jey prepared the location he wanted to place the first piercing.

Jey scoffed. “Hold still.”

Sami winced at the sting but was mainly focused on Jey. The concentration in his eyes as he pushed the needle through the fold of Sami’s skin, the way he worried his bottom lip with his teeth, all transfixed him. Sami wasn’t especially fond of pain, but he could sit here letting Jey pierce him all day long if it meant getting to watch him as he did so. Jey slid the jewelry onto the end of the needle, using it like a thread to push the ring through before affixing the bead in the middle. He sat back, eyes locked on his handiwork.

“You like it?” Jey nodded, pupils wide, lips plump and wet and just so slightly reddened from where he’d been biting them.

“You ready for your turn?” Jey nodded again, looking from Sami to the needles with unadulterated desire.

Sami repeated the actions he’d seen Jey take. Maybe it wasn’t Jey who was nervous but him. He really should have practiced first. He took a deep breath, then another, gathered up a pinch of skin, and pushed the needle through. Jey closed his eyes, and when he opened them, Sami couldn’t help but lean forward and kiss him before he inserted the ring.

.

.          

And so, they continued, taking turns, until each had six rings up the skin of their forearm. Then, Sami unraveled the simple black thread from its spool, and they laced it through each ring. Together. First, through a ring on Jey’s arm, then Sami’s, until there was a crisscrossing pattern lacing across their bodies, binding them to each other.  

They gazed at where they were connected, Jey’s skin dark against Sami’s. There were challenges ahead. Jey was starting new. Sami was defending what he had fought so hard for, for so long. But no matter what happened, they could weather it. Because even when the thread was cut, the rings removed, the little wounds healed, and there was no remaining proof that they had ever been attached in this way, they would still be facing the storms of life together. They would experience the strength and resilience that came hand in hand with belonging. Belonging to each other.

Chapter Text

We made it! I had to kill so many darlings in the last chapter that I probably count as a mass murderer now. My next uploaded work might be a really dark original piece that I knocked out after I first read the fic this piece was inspired by. It’s 117,000 words of doom and very loose semi-fantasy worldbuilding that was never supposed to see the light of day, but maybe that’s someone’s cup of tea.

When I finish a story, I usually write a farewell to the characters. I've spent a lot of time with them over however long I was writing (in this case, around three months). So, goodbye Sami. Goodbye, Jey. Thank you both for letting me get back into the swing of creative writing. It was a lot of fun and I plan to continue.

Back to you, the reader. I’d love to write more wrestling fics! So that’s definitely coming in the future.

Things I wanted to put in “Belonging, Belonging To” but didn’t have a place for or wrote in and had to cut for space/ narrative flow -

More caging and confinement

Full bootblack-esque service scene but focused around wrestling gear.

Erotic photography session just dripping with praise

An actual effort toward implementing a 24/7 D/s dynamic. Difficult and sometimes exhausting (especially for left side of slash) to do in real life, also apparently difficult in fiction

Jey tops at Sami’s request (love me some vers Sami) and is REALLY good at it

Fisting

Sensate weight lifting session (this one was more a ~vibe~ than concrete idea)

Chastity devices

E-stim

Going ice skating together

Scarification and/or branding

Rimming

Collaring!!!

Making another boring sponsor dinner a little more ~spicy~

Really elaborate rope bondage/ suspension

(More piercing, specifically a guiche piercing because can you imagine Jey being led around on a little leash attached to a guiche piercing aaaaaaaaaa)

I might just have to write little one shots/drabbles between the two with these scenarios. This story was supposed to be a smorgasbord of kink and sex but the dumb plot got in the way. What can you do.

My writing process is little thoughts and reminders written in my textbooks and text messages and notes app. Half the time they don't make sense. I'll leave y'all with my favorite

S praises J mercilessly.

Thank you all so, so much for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos. I have a nearly pathological aversion to finishing stories, especially when they surpass around 20k words, but I didn't want to leave y'all hanging. I genuinely, truly appreciate each one of you. And may you be praised mercilessly at some point today, if that is what you desire.

p.s. I recently started using tumblr again and I’m still figuring it out. If anyone wants to check it out and chat wrestling/ writing/ psychology etc it’s mentohol-blog