Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

John: You use humour to deflect your trauma

Jordan: Awww, thanks-

John: That's not a good thing.

Jordan: All I'm hearing is that you think I'm funny.

Jordan: ARE YOU-

Kieran: Fucking.

Jordan: KIDDING ME?! YOU-

Kieran: Fucking.

Jordan: IDIOT!

Kyle: …What was that?

Kieran: John banned Jordan from swearing, so I’m helping him out.

Jack: *is visibly upset*

Hendo: Jack, what happened? I haven't seen you like this since you found out Candyland wasn't an actual country.

Kieran: Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?

Jordan: *crouches down*

Kyle: *kneels down*

John: *sits on the floor*

Kieran:

Kieran: I hate all of you.

Harry, teaching Jude to drive: Okay, you're driving and Trent and Jack walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit?

Jude: Oh, definitely Jack. I could never hurt Trent.

Harry, massaging his temples: The brakes. You hit the brakes.

✰

Darwin: Which country has the most birds? 

Darwin: Portu-geese!

Trent: That's a language. 

Darwin: Portu-gull?

Trent: Good recovery.

Mo: I think you meant good re-dovery.

Robbo: TURKEY. HOW DID WE MISS TURKEY!?

*Dominik is cooking*

Tsimi: Any chance that’s for me?

Dominik: It’s for Virgil. I’m planning on making some bad choices tonight, and I need him on my side.

Robbo: I never realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.

Trent: What is love?

Alisson: An emotional minefield. 

Virgil: A neurochemical reaction.

Robbo: Baby don't hurt me.

Dominik, setting down a card: Ace of spades

Tsimi, pulling out an Uno card: +4

Ibou, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you

Virgil, trembling: What are we playing

✰

Mason: Jack does what people think Harry Styles does.

Declan: Men?

Jack: Ow!

Maguire: What’s wrong?

Jack: I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.

Maguire: It’s called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.

Jordan: Did you bring John?

Kane, gesturing to Kyle: No, but I brought the next best thing.

Jordan: Kyle? The next best thing would be Maguire.

Kyle: I would be offended, but Maguire is freakishly strong.

Jude: My mother came into my room in the middle of the night so I pretended to be asleep. She stroked my cheek and hair for a minute and then left. Is she planning to kill me...?

Trent: No, she just loves you, idiot.

Kieran: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

Kyle: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

John: A realist sees a freight train.

Jordan: The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

✰

Luka: What is wrong with you?!

Sergio: A lot of things. You want a list?

Cama: I wish I could control wasps and bees to sting my enemies.

Aurélien: You’re too young to have enemies.

Cama: You don’t even know.

Sergio: My only talent is being stress.

Luka: Don't you mean stressed?

Sergio: No.

Aurélien: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait.

Cama: You and me!!

Aurélien: *tearing up* Ok.

Sergio: 1. Grow up and have babies. 

Sergio: 2. Hide babies all around the house. 

Sergio: 3. When my kid asks "Where do babies come from?" Respond with "Where DON'T babies come from?" and pull one out of a cabinet.

Luka: Example number 24876 of why Sergio shouldn't have children.

✰

Lewandowski: Gavi isn't answering his phone.

Pedri: Hey let me try

Lewandowski: Me, Koundé and Raphinha each tried like five times I don't think-

Gavi over the phone: Yes?

Robert: You were stabbed. Do you remember anything?

Koundé: Only the ambulance ride to the hospital. 

Robert: That wasn't an ambulance, I drove you. 

Koundé: But I heard a siren.

Raphinha: That was Lamine.

Lamine: Sorry, I got nervous.

Lamine: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.

Robert: No, that's not how the make cookies. 

Raphinha: FLOOR IT!!

Lamine: How about 4,000,000 degrees for one second?!?

Robert: YOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-

Lamine: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!

Pedri: DO IT! 

Robert: NO-

Chapter Text

Cama: That was so hot, Aurelien.

Aurelien: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenterate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets.

Cama: I'm so in love with you.

Aurelien: I hate when people ask me what sign I am. Bitch, I'm a sign from god. Start running.

Cama, with a headache: Advil me up, daddy.

Aurelien: I will short out the language centre of your brain if you say anything like that ever again.

Aurelien: You know the sound a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound that my brain makes all the time.

Aurelien: I'm feeling it! What am I feeling? Death, probably.

Cama: May luck (and this picture of Aurelien eating shredded cheese at 3 in the morning) be with you.

Aurelien: Cama... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?

Cama: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned.

Aurelien:

Aurelien: I wrote sanitize, Cama.

Aurelien: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake.

Cama: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear.

Aurelien: ...

Aurelien: You mean ring bearER, right?

Cama: ...

Aurelien: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.

Cama: We both look very handsome tonight.

Aurelien: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you."

Cama: I couldn't take that chance.

Cama: I'm going to get myself some soup.

Aurelien: Be careful not to burn yourself, it's hot.

Cama: Pfft, I won't burn myself.

*30 seconds later*

Cama, entering the room: I burned myself.

Cama: Is there something you would like to say, Aurelien?

Aurelien: Oh, there are SEVERAL things I would like to say.

Aurelien: I am so cool. I am an absolute Chad. I am the epitome of coolness and awesomeness—

Cama: Hi.

Aurelien: *melts down in a flustered heap of softness*

Aurelien: Look at me straight in the eyes and tell me the truth, Cama!

Cama: You can’t expect me to look into your eyes and be straight.

Aurelien: To everyone who has treated me poorly; I am sexier than you.