Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

If anyone asked Silco, when he was a much younger man, whether he ever saw himself looking after a child- any child- he probably would have laughed.

A ridiculous notion, and one he never entertained.

Children are loud and clingy. Children take up far too much time and energy, not to mention their tendency to constantly be dirty and sticky with god only knows what.

Funny how things change.

The moment that pitiful child threw herself at him, someone who was nothing but a stranger to her, and cried her little broken heart out, he felt his own melt.

(Here he thought he didn’t have a heart to be melted anymore...)

“Vi left,” she sobs, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt like he’d run away if she lets go. “She left me-“

Silco looks over his shoulder- not even a hint of her older sister’s bright pink hair to announce the girl’s return.

He knows why, of course. But the girl doesn’t need to know that.

“Hush.”

The action feels awkward and foreign, but Silco wraps his arms around the shivering child and holds her tight.

“It’ll be alright,” he tells her, as she continues to sob and shake.

(He should care about the fact that she’s soaking him through with snot and tears. But somehow, he doesn’t mind it.)

“We’ll show them,” he reassures her, awkwardly moving to pet her hair. “We’ll show everyone. Don’t worry.”

Asking her not to worry is a bit like asking a fire to not burn, but he should say something to try to calm her down.

“Come on,” he says, standing up and picking her up to carry her with him.

“You’ll catch a cold out here,” he tells her. “Let’s go.”

“...Where are we going?” the girl asks, wide blue eyes peering up at her like she doesn’t dare to believe it.

He smiles at her, though the smile is hollow.

“Home,” he answers her.

He doesn’t pay any mind to the confused, skeptical glances he gets when he brings this shivering, petrified little girl back with him.

Who would have the nerve to question him, after all? Most of the people working for and with him owe him their lives, and many of them owe him more than that. He’ll be damned if he lets any of them disrespect him after all that.

Still, he can’t help but notice the way they stare, and it isn’t like he can blame them.

It’s not like he’s the type to carry around a scared little girl in normal circumstances.

None of that really matters, though.

She’s not going anywhere. Not if he can help it.

He isn’t sure how to do any of the sorts of things a child needs, but he’s always been a quick study, so how hard could it possibly be to learn?

(Best laid plans and all that...)

He sends Ran out to find some clean clothes for her, which she does- albeit with much grumbling and annoyance.

The child is covered in grime and soot from the explosion, but other than that and a few scrapes and bruises, despite the spectacular explosion she’d managed to create she’s in remarkably good shape.

Hell, she’s even kind of cute once she’s cleaned up, with a spray of faint freckles across her cherubic face, and just a bit of a gap between her front teeth.

Cute. Not normally a trait he finds endearing, and yet...

Powder, her name is. At least, that’s what she told him it was.

Unusual, but it’s not unheard of for children from Zaun to have unusual names.

(He knew her mother well enough to know she’s the exact sort of person to follow that particular trend.)

Besides, if he thinks about it, the name does have a sort of quaint charm to it. it conjures up images of softer things- the soft powder blue of baby blankets or fresh open sky.

(Not that those consigned to life in the undercity get to see much of the sky, but still...)

Sevika is less than thrilled about the situation, considering this is the same child who cost her her arm. But she’ll have a replacement soon enough. She will heal, and her loyalty to him will outweigh any annoyance about the child. He’ll give her a few days to sulk, and she should be back to normal. After that they can get back to business as usual.

...As close to business as usual as things can be, anyway.

As clever as his new ward is, she’s created quite the shitshow. Enforcers have been crawling around like roaches and will be for days yet, shoving their noses everywhere they don’t belong and ruining everybody else’s good time.

It’s hard to get cargo where it needs to go when the threat of arrest or prying officers hangs over your head every moment of the day.

It'll pass, of course. It always does. But it doesn't make it any more annoying.

He figures that this new undertaking of his shouldn’t be too difficult.

How hard could it be to take care of a child, after all?

Keep them clothed, keep them fed, make sure they don’t fall down a well somewhere. If Vander could manage it, surely he can, too.

So he told himself.

He first realizes he’s going to have more trouble than he thought the first night she’s there, a few hours after he’s put her to bed.

She begged him not to leave her alone, but he insisted she would be fine, and shut the door in spite of her protests.

He has work to do in the morning- that little girl has caused an absolute clusterfuck that he’ll need to have cleaned up in a hurry.

But that can wait until tomorrow.

For now, he has a bottle of red wine with his name on it. So he settles in for what he assumes will be a quiet evening, trusting that all the bedlam of the day is over with.

He should have known better.

A shriek pierces through his eardrums, rattling his nerves and throwing his heart into a frenzy.

The screaming is so loud and so frantic that, for a few terrifying moments, Silco worries something terrible must have happened.

He bursts through the door to the tiny bedroom, not sure what he’s expecting, but bracing himself for whatever horror might be beyond it.

Silco isn’t sure what he expects- blood, bedlam, a stranger in the dark looking to brutalize a child.

There’s nothing like that in the bedroom, thankfully enough. Just a wide-eyed, terrified little girl swaddled in blankets, shivering uncontrollably.

“What was the screaming about?” he asks her, failing to entirely keep the annoyance out of his voice.

The poor girl shakes her head, letting out a pathetic whine like a wounded puppy.

His knees scream at him as he kneels down to be at her level.

“Come on, now. Don’t go hiding things from me.”

Powder shakes like an anxious chihuahua, hugging her knees to her chest.

“...Just a bad dream.” she reassures him. “It’s not a big deal, really.”

"It certainly sounds like a big deal."

Powder shakes her head once more, turning those big blue eyes up at him anxiously.

“I’m sorry,” she mutters, her voice weak.

“For what?”

“Being a pain. I don’t mean to bug anyone, I try not to be a pest-“

“-You are not.”

“But I-“

“-Don’t talk about yourself like that.”

His voice is sterner than he meant it to be, and the poor child flinches from the harshness of it, eyes welling up with tears.

She throws her skinny arms around his neck and sobbing into his shoulder.

“Don’t make me go away,” she whimpers. “I’m sorry, I promise I won’t do it again, don’t make me go away-"

“...Why would I make you go away?”

“C-cause I’m a screw-up,” she whines. “I’m just a jinx, why would anyone want me? I can't even let you sleep, I'm just gonna keep messing everything up, why would you wanna keep me?"

How utterly pitiful.

Not sure what else one is supposed to do in this situation, Silco just holds the child close, rocking her back and forth even though the motions feel awkward.

(He wonders how many times Vander has had to do it, and wonders if he could ever compare.)

He takes her little hand in his, rubbing his thumb along the back of it to try to soothe her.

If he were any sort of ordinary adult, he would probably tell her that she’s wrong. That she isn’t a jinx, that nothing about her is broken.

Too bad he isn’t normal.

So, instead of telling her any of that reassuring nonsense, he tries something different.

“So what?”

“Huh?”

He turns her around so that she’s facing him, wishing her big, blue eyes weren’t so pitiful.

“So you’re a jinx. What does it matter?”

She sniffles, wiping her tears away with a tiny fist.

“But people say-“

“-Why should you care what anybody says? They wouldn’t try to understand, anyway.”

“But I want people to like me...”

“I like you already. You don’t have to pay anyone else any mind.”

He lifts her head up and tries to smile, but he’s pretty sure it comes out more like a  grimace. 

“If they are going to call you a monster, then focus your energy on being the biggest, worst monster they can possibly imagine. If they will not love you, let them fear you. And if they want to call you a jinx, let them see how powerful Jinx can be.”

The girl frowns, wide eyes peering up at him.

“...I thought being a jinx is a bad thing?”

Silco finds himself smiling for real this time.

The motion is foreign and strange, he plants a quick kiss on top of her head.\

Well. Children in Zaun do tend to end up with unusual names...

“I think Jinx is wonderful,” he tells her, surprising himself with how sincere he sounds.

That’s  enough,  it  seems,  to  lift  the  poor  child’s  spirits.  her  pretty  blue  eyes  light  up  with a  hope  they didn’t  have  before, and when she hugs him once again, it’s out of gratitude rather than fear of being discarded.

“...Can you stay with me for a bit?” she asks.  “I-I don’t wanna be alone.”

He wants to say no, because he really is exhausted, and all he wants to do is get  back  to  his  own  bed. But the pitiful way she speaks and the way she clings to him so  desperately stir things up within him, and he can’t bear to turn her away.

With  a  heavy  sigh,  he  wraps her  blanket  around her, petting her back to soothe the last of her tremors. 

The floor is cold, and not at all comfortable, but he’s afraid trying to move her will just upset her all over again.

So he stays put.

(Such a fragile thing. But he can fix that, given time.)

It takes awhile, but eventually she falls back asleep, still clinging to him like a piece of driftwood in the middle of the ocean. She curls up into a little ball, leaving all her weight against him and sucking her thumb.

She’s perhaps a bit too old to be doing that, but he doesn’t dwell on it, figuring she needs whatever comfort she can get- and, try as he might, Silco knows he’s woefully inadequate. The least he can do is allow her this.

He could probably move her back to her bed at this point, and leave back to his own to try to sleep.

But he doesn’t.

He doesn’t and he doesn’t know why.

“...Jinx is perfect,” he tells her again, even though she’s dead asleep and can’t hear him anymore. “Don’t you worry.”

He pets her hair a bit, the most affectionate gesture he can will himself to perform.

This child asleep in his lap has so much potential. All he has to do is nurture it a little, keep her on the right path so she can flourish in a way Vander certainly would never have let her.

“We’ll show them all. I just know it.”

Chapter Text

Always something to do. Or many somethings.

So many somethings, and so little time in a day to get it all done.

After spending the morning running around like a chicken with his head cut off, hardly even having time to sit or even grab anything to eat, he's gotten down to the part of his work he enjoys far more. 

Sitting and drawing up trade agreements, brokering tenuous alliances between Zaun’s various constantly bickering factions. Once he gets their signatures (or as close as he can get for the ones who can’t read) he'll be content in knowing things are back in motion the way he planned.

He gets lost in his work as the minutes tick by, humming a bit to himself as he works out the finer details of this and that.

After awhile, he gets that strange, itchy feeling like he isn't truly alone.  He ignores that and keeps his head down, knowing nobody would be stupid enough to bother him without announcing themselves, unless they were trying to get killed.

Awhile after that, Silco gets that uncanny, uncomfortable feeling like he’s being watched.

Turning his head, he sees Powder staring at him with those obnoxiously blue eyes of hers, silently observing him as he does his work.

“Did you need something?” he asks, hoping he doesn’t sound too annoyed.

“Hm? No, not really.”

“Why are you here, then?”

“I dunno. Just got lonely, I guess.”

The pitiful look she gives him would be enough to melt the coldest heart.

“...Do you want me to leave?”

“Come on, I didn’t say that.”

The poor thing still looks ready to cry.

Silco groans internally, then picks her up and sets her down on the edge of his desk.

“None of that now, you hear?” he scolds. “There’s nothing to cry about.”

He grabs a handkerchief and dabs awkwardly at her tears, internally begging her to not cry, otherwise he might start crying, too.

She bites her lower lip, then manages to gather herself enough to speak properly.

“You sure you’re alright with me just hangin’ around?”

“Now, I didn’t say that, either.”

He gets up from his seat and rummages through the tiny closet in his make-do office, pulling out a crate crammed full of papers he’d meant to organize over the ages, but never found the time for.

“Since you’re going to be here, maybe you can help me out with something?”

The girl perks up, and for a second Silco almost imagines her as an over-eager puppy wagging her tail, eager to please.

“I- sure, what can I do?”

“I seem to have let this get away from me, and this is a bit of a mess. Be a dear and try to make some sense of this for me, will you?”

She cocks her head like a confused puppy, but when he sets the box on the floor, she sits cross-legged on the worn-out carpet and starts rummaging around inside.

“How do ya want these sorted?”

“To start, sort them out by the names of the people on there. Then sort those out by what they're getting from us. We'll go from there.”

“Alrightie-"

With that, she sets to work, becoming engrossed with her task and forgetting the troubling things on her mind.

He figured it would work- it worked on him when he was a child, too. Getting himself engrossed in some tedious, repetitive task until the overworked gears in his mind cool off a bit.

She works in silence as he does the same, agonizing over every word, ensuring no loopholes or room to get screwed over. The soft sounds of paper getting shuffled about from one stack to the next keeps a steady rhythm, almost making the tedium pleasant.

It isn’t bad working with company, as it turns out. Even if it feels a bit odd.

This arrangement lasts a few solid hours, before she clears her throat and looks up at him with a smug expression.

“Finished!”

 "Are you, now? Let's see, then."

He gets up to go over her sorting, and to his pleasant surprise, finds she's done a fantastic job of it.

Months of procrastination, and it turns out she's fixed his problem in an afternoon...

Now that everything is sorted one way, he starts dividing things up once more, directing his charge to set papers in one pile or another, which she does without a fuss.

They carry on like this until they're interrupted by a knock at the door, then a creak as it opens.

Sevika stands in the doorway for far too long, taking in the odd sight in front of her, unsure what to make of it.

(She'd always known her employer as the sort of man who's prickly at the best of times. Not normally the sort to get on the floor with a child as though he's done so his entire life...)

The girl looks up bashfully, offering up a little wave.

"You wanna help us out with the rest of this?" she asks, waving some of the papers at her and smiling properly for maybe the first time since she's gotten here.

"The fuck are you doing, anyway?"

"Looking through the people who owe us money and figuring out who we should pay a visit to, first."

"Finally got around to that, huh? Guess we're about to have a lotta pissed-off people."

"They can be as angry as they want, as long as they balance our ledgers for once."

"Why's that matter so much, anyway?" Powder asks, cocking her head at him.

"Because you won't get very far in this world without money," Silco answers, reaching out to pat her on the head.

"Vander always said money doesn't mean shit."

For just a moment, the mention of that name sends a flash of white-hot anger stabs itself into Silco's amygdala.

He wrangles that anger before he can lash out, taking a deep breath to ground himself before he answers.

(It isn't her fault, after all. It wouldn't be fair to shout at her.)

"He was right."

Sevika raises an eyebrow at him.

"Money doesn't mean anything on its own," he continues, while Powder watches him with rapt attention. "Problem is, there are people topside who decided that money means quite a lot. So if you want to get much of anything done in this world, you're going to need some."

"What do you mean though? Who decided that?"

"It was decided a long time before either of us were alive. I wouldn't know whose bad idea it was."

Powder groans and lays flat on the rug, scratching at her head and trying to make sense of it all.

"That's stupid," she grumbles.

She might be too young to be thinking about this sort of thing. But it's amusing to watch her try.

Though she acts like she isn't interested in this task, Sevika does wind up sitting on the floor with them, making a great show of being annoyed as she helps decide who will get visited and when they'll make it happen.

Eventually they take a break for food, passing around sandwiches and bottles of fizzy drinks he's never really cared for.

It almost seems domestic, if one were to ignore the circumstances.

Maybe he just hadn't thought about how lonely he's been, until he suddenly wasn't lonely anymore.

The girl offers up part of her sandwich, noticing Silco hasn't touched his food yet.

"Hm? No, thank you."

"You sure? You don't look so good."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I dunno. You just kinda look sick."

She makes a noncommittal gesture toward his eye.

"Does that hurt?" she asks.

"Hm? Sometimes. You get used to it eventually."

She stares at it for a bit, then leans up and plants a quick kiss on his brow, just above his injured eye.

It's a simple gesture, and doesn't take more than a second to perform. But it's warm, and it's a warmth that fills him with a strange, fuzzy feeling he isn't sure he likes, but he's certain he doesn't hate, either.

Sevika rolls her eyes, but it seems more for the show of looking annoyed rather than the real thing.

Silco finds it in himself to take a few bites of his own food as well, figuring it's unfair to scold Powder about eating when he doesn't lead by example.

Turns out even food is better in good company.

As the meal is wrapping up, the girl glances at him like something is on her mind, but she's hesitating to say it.

"What's up?" he asks, urging her to get it out already.

"...I don't think I wanna be Powder anymore," she finally says, after thinking it over for long enough to make it awkward.

That's the opening Silco had been waiting for.

"What would you like to be called, then?"

He thinks he already knows the answer, but he asks anyway, to be polite.

"...Jinx sounds nice," she murmurs, hesitantly. "I mean, if that's okay? I liked the way you said it..."

That's exactly what he wanted to hear.

He pets her hair and smiles at her- and this time, he feels that smile within himself.

"Jinx sounds perfect."

Chapter Text

After Jinx has been here for maybe a month, Silco realizes he's forgotten something.

Maybe this isn't the smartest endeavor, and maybe he isn't entirely qualified for this sort of task. But since he's found himself in charge of a child out of the blue, he figures he ought to at least make sure she gets something resembling a proper education.

The schools in Zaun- the few that exist, anyway- are woefully inadequate

The question is, however- how does he go about that without pulling his hair out in frustration?

After all, he's never particularly been a patient person, especially around children. Jinx has the honor of being the child he's spent any significant length of time around, and even that was a spur-of-the-moment decision he didn't really think through before committing to it.

Since he's already committed to it, though, he has to see it through, right?

So. How to educate her, he wonders.

It seems like she can already read well enough, and can do basic math without much trouble. So someone's already started the work for him.

Continuing should be simple enough.

(Simple. As if anything in his life could ever be that easy...)

He certainly boasts a rather impressive collection of books, though most of them aren't the kind that would really interest a child. Lots of dry historical books and encyclopedias that are probably a few years out of date. A few novels that he's pretty sure will be beyond her comprehension if she tried to read them.

He'll have to find some that would interest a child, next time he's able. It feels like the least he could do for her.

Silco decides it's better to ask her directly before he does anything, to make sure he gets it right.

Maybe he should just take her along and save himself the trouble of an interrogation.

...Once he figures out where the hell she went.

He wanders for a bit, poking his head into every room as he does in hopes of finding her.

Finally he finds her in the study, where he stashes the boring grown-up books he has along with a few armchairs to read them in.

Jinx isn't using any of those, though. She's got her back turned to him, fiddling with somethign with a frenetic energy like she's possessed.

"What are you doing?"

Jinx yelps, nearly jumping out of her skin in fright.

"Now, what are you getting up to over here?" Silco asks, cocking his head as Jinx first tries to hide whatever it is she's fiddling with, then sighs as she realizes it'd be a fruitless endeavor.

She starts to shake, looking everywhere else in the room but at him, biting her lip to keep tears at bay.

"What are you doing skulking about like you're doing something wrong?" he asks her, wishing she didn't look so pitiful so he could talk to her properly.

"I uh-"

Jinx grinds her teeth loud enough for him to hear it from the other side of the room.

"I just didn't want you to be mad..."

"What makes you think I would be mad?"

"Cause I-"

"-Come on. Just let me see what you have, alright? I won't be mad."

Jinx's wide- terrified eyes dart around the room, but, finally, grudgingly, she relinquishes the thing in her hands.

It's a little clockwork monkey- crude, unrefined, obviously made by a child. But also obviously made by a brilliant child, all the cogs and gears managing to work together in spite of their rudimentary nature.

He turns the key in the monkey's back and sets it on the table; the clockwork monkey walks along the tabletop, slapping its hands together in a consistent rhythm as it does.

"Hm."

Jinx watches him intently, little hands still shaking as she waits for him to answer.

"What is this for?" he asks, as the monkey turns around at the table's edge and starts walking along the other side.

"It's uh-"

She shifts her weight from one foot to the other, repetitively brushing her hair out of her face.

"It's a monkey bomb. Like I'd used before. I was just seeing if I could make it a bit better, you know? Easier to control, so it doesn't...cause an accident."

"I see."

Silco knew his new charge was bright, of course. but it appears he has quite a remarkable talent on his hands, indeed.

"Well this is something special, isn't it?" he asks. "What do you use to make it explode?"

"I uh-"

She pulls out some papers, where some crude drawings and diagrams of strange blue crystals sit alongside notes about anything and everything she can remember about them.

"These things Vi and I found on a job," she explains, sounding so unbearably sad as she does. "We didn't really know what they were, I don't think. But they've got a lotta oomph to them, right? After all, they're what powered the one I used to..."

She trails off, blue eyes fixated on something a long way off.

"You know. I just didn't wanna have anything bad happen again, so I was trying to work on it. If you don't like it I can stop- that one's not dangerous yet, so it'd be okay..."

"Why would I tell you to stop? It's brilliant."

"Huh? You really mean that?"

Silco nods, turning the silvery key in the monkey's back to wind it up again and placing it on the floor this time.

He sets it down and watches it slap its little hands together as it walks across the floor before bumping into the next wall, turning itself around, and walking back the way it came.

Fascinating. Simple, but fascinating.

(Spending so much time kneeling on the ground can't be good for his back...)

He's so enraptured that he doesn't notice Jinx is upset until he hears her start to sob.

"Hey now, what are you-"

When he tries to grab her shoulder, she flinches and pulls back with a yelp, as if he's burned her.

She doesn't say anything, but he can tell from the tremble in her hands and the panic in her eyes- she's afraid. Terrified, even.

"What are you afraid of?" he asks, even though he isn't entirely sure the poor girl can hear him over her hyperventilating.

She can only shake her head, curling up into a tight ball and rocking back and forth while gasping for air.

"Calm down. Nobody here is angry at you."

Jinx whimpers, trying to catch her breath, face flushed like she's just run a very long way.

"...You mean it?" she squeaks out, almost too quiet to be heard.

"I do."

"So you're not gonna send me away?"

"You can stop worrying about that. It's not going to happen."

Jinx peers up at him, not daring to believe it.

"You really mean it?"

"I'm afraid you're stuck with me, yes."

Jinx wipes her eyes, staring at Silco like she doesn't dare to believe what she's hearing.

"It's going to be alright, so you can stop worrying over when I'm going to start hating you."

The girl nods, even though she sniffles, and still doesn't really seem like she believes him, but he can see in her eyes that she wants desperately to believe it.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" she asks, suspicion cutting a line into her little brow.

"Because I want to be, why else?"

"Well..."

Jinx's face warps into a scowl, her lips curling back a bit to bare her teeth.

"-Just seems like it's pretty easy for people to throw other people away when they don't want 'em anymore. I guess I just dunno if you're any different."

"I'm sorry that I haven't been able to prove that to you yet. But you aren't going anywhere. You can trust me on that."

Silco knows being angry won't solve anything, but he can't suppress the swell of anger that bubbles up in his guts, livid that anyone could be able to look at this child, who's so bright and full of promise, and ever make her feel unwanted.

She seems to finally have settled down a bit- at least, her heart isn't racing so fast as he holds her close.

"What sorts of books do you like?" he asks her, when he's convinced she's done crying- at least for awhile.

"Huh? Books? I mean, I haven't gotten to read a lot of 'em, but..."

She ponders the question while curled up against his chest, still hiccuping occasionally.

"...I like fairy tales, I guess," she finally decides. "And any sort of story that's got cool machines. Vander and Vi used to make up a lot of those for me when I couldn't sleep. Why?"

Silco makes a mental note of this, for the next time he's doing business on the surface.

"I was just curious. I spent a lot of time reading when I was your age, but I haven't kept a lot of things from that time, sadly."

"Oh."

"Next time I need to make a trip to Piltover, would you like to come with me? I know a lovely book shop and I'd be happy to let you pick a few out."

Jinx perks up a bit finally, daring to smile a bit.

"You really mean it?"

"I do."

That prospect is finally enough to shake her out of her bad mood as she picks up her little mechanical monkey once more, peering at him as if silently asking if it's really okay.

When she realizes that, yes, it's really alright, she tackles him and hugs him tight, letting out a small whimper like a wounded puppy.

Don't worry, he wants to tell her, but doesn't say aloud. You're perfect. I won't let you go.

Jinx bounces up and down in barely-contained excitement, unable to believe that she's here.

Topside, in one of the ritzy bookstores she could only dream about setting foot in before.

Not only to pine, but to buy.

She darts amidst the bookshelves in wide-eyed wonder, with the promise that anything she wants in the store is hers to have.

She examines each possible offering carefully, making a comically serious face as she ponders which ones are the most interesting.

It reminds him of when he'd been younger, bright-eyed and eager to explore the world.

Before that inquisitive spirit had been beaten out of him. Before everything went wrong.

Before he became the man he is.

Even Sevika can't make her usual show of being grumpy, though she keeps her hand on her hip and tries to pretend she isn't having a bit of fun watching Jinx try to decide which books she wants to take back with her.

"Do I want- no, that one's not as good as this one...But this one's got cool pictures...but this one's got..."

She grunts and sets one of them back on the shelf, deciding, at long last, in favor of the other.

By the time they leave, each of them is carting a hefty stack of books, ranging from fanciful novels about faraway lands of magic and mystery, to thick manuals about the construction of countless types of machinery.

All Silco can wonder is how long it will take for her to read them all...

Chapter Text

At this point in his life, Silco should be well accustomed to the sinking feeling that something isn't right.

He should be. But somehow it never gets any easier. 

All he wanted to do tonight was while away a few hours reading the nice new book he'd gotten. All he wanted was to have a relaxing evening after a stressful day.

Of course, best laid plans, mice, men, all that nonsense.

It's a bit past two in the morning and he was just starting to get tired when that familiar feeling starts gnawing at the back of his mind.

At first he tries to ignore it, figuring it might go away if he pretends it isn't there, like an ill-behaved pet.

Unfortunately, the longer he tries, the more frantically it scratches at his brain.

"Oh for fucks' sake," he grumbles, shaking his head as he gets out of bed, the bottoms of his feet freezing to the floor as he curses his curiosity for making him get up when he was so comfortable.

Grabbing a flashlight, he wanders the hall and wonders what sort of bullshit he's about to find.

Maybe some intruder trying to settle a score with him. Or some animal that's gotten in when it shouldn't have. Either way, he wants it taken care of. 

If only he could find the damn thing.

At first, there's nothing out of the ordinary- just the familiar quiet dark, and the rats scurrying through the walls that never seem to stay away no matter what he does to try to get rid of them.

But after he stares for a bit longer, starting to wonder if he's lost his mind, he finally finds what he's looking for.

Jinx is far above his head, climbing on the rafters in a spiderlike fashion, inspecting every inch of the ceiling like she's looking for the secrets of the universe written in the dust.

Judging by the way the palms of her hands and soles of her feet are pitch black, she's clearly been at this for awhile now.

He clears his throat to get her attention once he's gotten over his bewilderment.

"Why are you up there?" he asks, when she whips her head around and goes white when she realizes she's been caught.

"I was just doin' stuff."

Silco thinks he's getting a twitch in his eye.

"...And what sort of "stuff" are you doing?"

"I dunno. Checkin' stuff out?" 

Silco rolls his eyes, putting his hands on his hips and sighing.

"You know what I mean. Now get down from there before you hurt yourself."

Jinx frowns, coming down from her perch and fixing him with a concerned stare.

"Couldn't sleep," she explains. "Got bored just layin' there staring at the ceiling, so I decided to mess around a bit, that's all. Sorry I woke you up."

"You need to be careful. You're going to split your head open, and that's no good for anybody."

"I don't wanna be a pain…"

"It's not a matter of you being a pain. Come on, knock it off."

He taps her chin to get her to stop hanging her head.

"Don't look so down, it's not like I'm angry."

"You kinda look angry. Like, all the time."

"I always look this way, it doesn't mean anything about what's going on in my head."

"People can just look mad for no reason?"

"People can look a lot of different ways for no real reason. Sometimes someone's face just looks a certain way."

"…Do I look a certain way?"

"You look sad."

"I am sad, though?"

Silco can't help but laugh a little.

"I know that. But you look a bit sad even when you aren't."

Jinx scrunches her nose up, blue eyes wandering around the dim room as if lost in thought.

"That's kinda weird."

"People are kind of weird. Now, tell me what in the world you were doing treating the place like a jungle gym when you're supposed to be sleeping?"

"I guess my head was just being mean to me. I didn't wanna stay in bed with all my thoughts, so I thought I might be able to tire myself out, dunno."

"You mean you're afraid?"

"Huh? I mean- I guess kinda. I'm not really sure how I feel…"

Silco sighs and picks her up, gingerly rocking her back and forth to console her.

"We all have things that frighten us," he tells her. "It's alright to be afraid, but you can't let it control you."

"What do I do then?"

"You face it head on. You show it that it won't rule you."

Jinx whimpers, seeming to allow herself to finally fully feel her emotions.

"What if I'm not even sure what I'm scared of?" she asks. "What if I don't know what it is I'm supposed to be facing?"

Ah. there's the problem.

"Now that one's a bit harder to answer."

He carries her to the small library so they can sit together in the comfortable (if lonely) armchair, mulling her question over to try to find an answer.

"…Sometimes I guess you'll just have to face the fear on its own," he says, after thinking about it carefully. "It's hard. I know it's hard. But you'll manage it."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I'm not that different from you. I know what it's like to just be afraid."

"You never act like you're afraid of anything."

"Sometimes you just have to pretend until you start to believe it."

"Is that something people can do?"

Silco shrugs as best he can with a child mostly pinning his arms down.

"Sometimes. If you're a good enough actor to fool yourself."

"Are you an actor then? I don't remember seein' you in any movies or anything."

"It's just an expression."

"Hey, I was just sayin'. It's not like I got to see lots of those anyway."

Jinx does a melodramatic little flop over the side of the armchair, kicking her legs to vent some of her nervous energy.

She starts to talk in that rambling, rapid-fire way she does when she's nervous and wants to keep talking to avoid an awkward silence.

"I mean, I did sometimes. But we never really had the money to pay for 'em, so it was always Vi n' the others sneaking in when nobody was payin' attention. I'd usually get snuck in under a really big coat. They always made me swear not to tell Vander. But I think he knew."

For just a moment, Silco remembers when he was much younger, when he and Vander would wander places they weren't supposed to go, searching for ways to pass the time and have a little fun.

He imagines Jinx is right that he had to know what they were up to, but probably figured that they wouldn't listen even if he told them to stop.

That's how children are after all, isn't it? Always looking to spread their wings and push their boundaries. Trying to restrain them all the time would be a bit like trying to put a hurricane on a leash.

"You don't think that's weird, do you?" she asks, in a tiny voice.

"No," he answers. "I think a little rule breaking is good for the spirit, actually."

"You really think that?"

"I wouldn't be where I am if I didn't."

He pets her hair as they talk, which practically makes her purr in contentment as she cuddles up in his lap.

"How'd you know Vander, anyway?"

The question is so sudden and innocent that it takes awhile for Silco to register it.

"What do you mean?"

"It sounds like you knew him. But I don't think you liked him very much. Did something happen?"

Silco freezes up for a moment, the past flashing through his mind in a dizzying blur of simmering rage.

"…That depends on what you count as "something," he says, in a careful, controlled way so he doesn't frighten her.

"Something bad, it sounds like. I never heard Vander talk about you at all, but when someone said your name before…well, before everything went bad, he looked sad. What went wrong?"

That's a question with a lot of answers, but none of them are the sorts of answers a child needs to hear.

"Sometimes," he says, wanting to be kind but also not wanting to sugarcoat what happened, "people who care about each other end up hurting each other the worst. And sometimes you can't forgive that. No matter how sorry they are."

"Does it have somethin' to do with your eye?"

Such an innocent question, yet for a split second it's difficult for Silco to suppress the urge to throttle the child who asked it.

"…It does," he finally decides to answer, without elaborating further.

"That sucks. I'm sorry."

Such a blunt statement, but there's a sort of sincerity in it that a more verbose sort of declaration might lack.

The innocence of youth.

He doesn't particularly miss it.

"How about we stop talking about it and just read for awhile?" he offers, wanting to think about something else.

Jinx seems to accept this, and she ends up happily curled up next to him with one of the books he bought her once he's gone to retrieve his own.

A normal parent would shoo her off to bed at this ungodly hour.

But Silco has never done anything normally.

Blessed hours pass in silence, each of them reading their book in companionable silence.

"Can I ask you something?" Jinx finally asks, after awhile.

"Depends what you want to ask."

"…Do you do bad stuff, then?" she finally asks, holding her book over her head and pretending to still be reading.

"I suppose some people would call them bad," he answers, honestly. "Depending on how you look at it."

"Look at what?"

"The whole picture."

Jinx frowns, not quite understanding.

"Some people will assume you're rotten no matter what you do. Those people don't matter, so don't pay them any mind."

"Oh."

There's a bit more silence after that, before she formulates her next question.

"...Was Vander rotten to you, then?"

How is he supposed to answer that?

There really isn't a good answer, so he says nothing.

Judging by the look Jinx gives him in the silence, that tells her all she needs to know.