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Chapter Text

“Well, this looks really nice.”

His mother, Winona Kirk, set her suitcase down just inside the door of the apartment he’d been living in on Yorktown. She’d arrived just over an hour earlier and on the way Jim had taken her to a restaurant as she’d declared herself “starving”.

“Mm. It’s only temporary.”

Because though her words had been mild and almost positive, he could tell by her tone she was not that impressed. Though they hadn’t always been very close, he knew her well now.

She sniffed. “No really. I would have expected grander accommodations for a highly decorated captain who saved millions of lives but—"

“Mom.” Jim laughed.

She smiled. “It’s cozy.”

“I like cozy.”

“You always did. Even as a little boy you loved your blankets and throws.” She sighed. “Where is my room?” Jim went to pick up her case and she playfully swatted him away. “I’m not so old and frail I can’t handle my own suitcase. I got here, didn’t I?”

The temporary apartment contained two ensuite bedrooms, a living room with a large viewing screen, a full kitchen and a patio through sliding glass doors overlooking a water feature. It really was quite suitable.

“Bedroom on the left.”

He was still itching to take her bag from her hand. Isn’t that what a son was supposed to do for his mother? They didn’t always have that relationship, though, not as it should be, anyway.

For years after George Kirk’s murder at the hands of Nero, Winona Kirk had buried herself in her work to the point she’d rarely seen her sons. But after Sam ran away and Jim drove Frank’s car off a cliff, his mom had decided Jim was going with her to Tarsus IV, where her next assignment had taken her.

Well, that hadn’t worked out the way anyone thought it would and both of them ended up needing a bit of counseling.

There was more back and forth between them. She hadn’t wanted her son to join Starfleet and was angry with him for it for a few years. But now…yes, things were better.

When she had told him she wanted to stay with him for a couple of weeks on Yorktown where he was stationed temporarily why the Enterprise was being rebuilt, he had gladly welcomed her.

The bedroom he’d directed her to had the larger bed, a king-sized one, and a larger bathroom too. He’d been staying in that one himself but he’d rearranged things when he knew she was coming so she could have the better accommodations.      

He followed her there as she swung the suitcase on the bed.

“Need help unpacking?”

She smiled and shook her head. “No, but I think I will use the dresser if you don’t mind.”

“Of course not. I assumed you would.”

“And after, I’d like to take a shower. Travel grime, you know? And I’m sure you have things you’d rather attend to then watch over me.”

“If you’re sure, there are a few matters needing my attention. Listen, I’ve arranged a dinner with you and my senior staff.”

His mother sat on the edge of the bed. “And what about friends, Jimmy?”

He felt his skin flush at the ‘Jimmy’. No one called him that but his mom. Well, sometimes Sam had back when Sam was there. But for some reason the nickname embarrassed him. He hoped she wouldn’t use it in front of others. Especially Bones. He’d never hear the end of it.

“Well, sure. I mean, I’m friendly with those we’re having dinner with.”

She sighed and patted the spot beside her. “Sit.”

He did as she commanded.

“Friendly isn’t the same as friends,” she said gently. “You seem…so sad and lonely when we talk.”

“I’m not,” he protested.

“It hasn’t been the same since your relationship with Carol ended. You never did say why.”

Jim huffed out a breath. “All of that was a mistake from the beginning. What happened with her father, well, it wrecked us both, we had no business ever getting involved. Not then. I found out that we really didn’t have much in common. She didn’t want to stay on the ship, wanted to get married, that kind of stuff. We weren’t compatible.”

“I see. So there’s no special someone now?”

He lowered his gaze. No. Not a special someone who could be acknowledged anyway. Not out loud. Not even to himself maybe.

Jim attempted a smile. “No. I don’t really have time for that.”

Her response was a noncommittal sort of cross between a laugh and a snort. “All right but you have to have friends, Jimmy.” She reached over and stuck some of his hair behind his ear. “You’re such a delightful boy.”

He rolled his eyes. “Give me a break. You’re entirely biased. And I’m no boy. I have friends. I told you about Bones.”

“Right, the doctor. He’ll be there at dinner?”

“Yeah. And um, my first officer, Spock.”

“The Vulcan?”

“Yes. We’re sorta friends. Friendly. Ish.”

She sighed. “Swell.”

“Really. You’ll see at dinner. I promise.”

“Okay.”

“And anyway, not that I don’t have friends, because I do, it’s my job to be a leader and ensure their safety and well-being, not to be a chum.”

She laughed. “Where’d you get such an old-fashioned word like that? I know you know what you’re doing, sweetie, I just…I worry about you.”

“Constantly,” he joked.

“Well, not constantly,” she said. “But a lot. I want you to have a happy life.”

“I’m happy,” Jim insisted. “I am.” He rose then. “I’ll let you unpack and have your shower and I’ll tend to some business until dinner.”

“Okay, I’ll come out when I’m done.”

Chapter Text

He left his mom to her own devices while he made a quick trip across Yorktown to see to his current duties. He didn’t have a lot, not enough really. He was a bit bored. But he figured he should do what he could while there.

So Jim made his way into see his temporary boss, Commodore Paris. In the amount of time they’d been there, they’d become relatively close. As close as you could be with someone who lead you, Jim supposed.

He sat across from her while she poured them Lapsang Souchong tea from a fat round teapot she had informed him was a tenth anniversary gift from her now late husband.

“Surprised to see you here today, Jim. Didn’t your mother arrive today?”

“Yes. I got her settled into my apartment and then decided to check in here.”

Paris smiled faintly. “That wasn’t necessary. You requested the time.”

“I’m a bit of a workaholic.”

She chuckled. “I’ve figured that much out. I know your mother. Well…knew. It’s been a number of years now.”

Jim had picked up the little round teacup without a handle and cradled it in his hands as he took a sip. She always used these delicate little cups that made his hands look like giant bear hands or something.

“Yeah? How?”

“Way back in our Academy days. Had a few classes together.”

“I didn’t realize.”

She shrugged. “We weren’t great friends. She was very popular whereas I was not. But I wouldn’t mind seeing her while she’s here. See if she remembers me.”

“I’ll definitely bring her by. Did you know my dad too?”

“Only of him. He was a couple years ahead of us at the Academy. I would see him there but I didn’t have any interactions with him. My impression was that he was of a serious nature.”

“I didn’t know that,” Jim admitted. “I don’t know a lot about him or anyone that really knew him other than my mom. She doesn’t really talk about him, though.”

“I admit I understand that somewhat. Having lost my own husband unexpectedly. But I wish I was able to help you with knowing your father better.”

“It’s all right, ma’am.”

“I have the latest update on when the Enterprise will be operational again,” Paris told him then, her gaze going to the terminal screen on her desk.

Jim leaned forward eagerly. “I hope it’s sooner rather than later. I feel like my life is in a bit of an intermission right now.”

Her gaze went to him briefly, before with a knowing smile she glanced back at her terminal. “Looks like it’ll be ready for its shakedown next month.”

He couldn’t even hide his excitement. “Yeah? That’s great.”

Pais laughed. “Far cry from the captain who came here last year looking for a change.”

“Yes, ma’am. I don’t know what I was thinking.’

That was a bit of a lie. He was thinking he needed to get away from an attachment he couldn’t get over no matter how hard he tried. And in the end, here he was, stuck with feelings that went nowhere. But unwilling to change those circumstances after all.

Jim rose. “Thanks for the tea, Commodore. I’ll bring my mom by for a visit.”

“Enjoy your time off, Jim. You’ve certainly earned it.”

Paris’ yeoman greeted him outside her office. Ensign Martha Owens. Speaking of the Academy, he recalled Owens from his Academy days. She’d been in one of his classes. Her twin sister, Lisa, had been, unfortunately, assigned to the Farragut when Nero attacked Vulcan.

“Captain, how great to see you, sir,” she greeted him warmly.

“Yeoman.”

“I’m still waiting.” She smiled.

“Waiting?”

Her smile faltered. “You don’t remember do you?”

“Uh.”

“When you began your temporary stay on Yorktown, you said we could go for a drink.” Her eyebrows rose pointedly.

Jim couldn’t recall that at all, but admittedly he’d been distracted.

“Right, of course. Sure. We’ll get that drink. My mother’s currently here, but as soon as she leaves.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” He gave her a reassuring smile and moved away.

Long ago they’d almost hooked up. Shortly before he’d taken the Kobayashi Maru for the final time. Jim no longer looked for casual relationships, not really anyway, and he would never be in the market for a serious one. He’d tried with Carol and there was always a third member of that relationship that interfered, unknowingly.

Jim was pretty sure Martha wanted something more than a fling. Not gonna happen.

He was nearly back to the area of Yorktown where his apartment was situated when he spotted Uhura and Scotty walking arm in arm. Looked like they had just come out of a Scottish themed pub.

They spotted him too and approached.

“Afternoon, Captain,” Scotty said,

“Scotty, Uhura. Enjoying the afternoon?”

Uhura smiled “We are.”

He knew he shouldn’t ask, but he did.  “Where’s Spock?”

Uhura shrugged. “Think he said something about research. Yorktown has a library that has a section on pre-Surak Vulcans he wanted to investigate.”

“Aye,” Scotty agreed. “We invited him along but he declined.”

Jim smiled. Not his business really. None of them were on active duty until the shakedown.

“See you at dinner tonight?”

“With your mom? Yes, we’ll be there,” Uhura told him. “I’m looking forward to meeting her.” She studied him. “Are you all right, Captain?”

“Of course. Why?’

She bit her lip. “You just seem a little…never mind.” She shrugged. “It’s nothing. See you later, Captain.”

Jim sighed as they walked away. He felt…disappointed. Why? Because he hadn’t been invited for a drink with them. He tried to tell himself it was because they’d known his mother was arriving that day, but perhaps she would have wanted to go too.

Of course, he only saw the two of them. So maybe no one else was invited besides Spock. Jim didn’t know. And if didn’t know any better, he would swear Uhura and Scotty were seeing each other. Weird. She was with Spock.

Once more he told himself it was none of his business. He had no right to know about his crew’s personal lives unless it affected their performance. And it never did. His crew were exemplarity in every way.

And because he was captain, that was likely enough reason not to invite him to social gatherings. Who wanted their captain along to put a damper on things? Likely they wanted to let off steam discussing what a bozo their leader was. Jim had done that himself with the admiralty. Just because he considered himself different didn’t mean his officers did.

God, he was a pathetic, sad loser. He wouldn’t invite himself either. And anyway, they were having dinner together, so whatever.

With a shake of his head, Jim continued to his apartment where his mother waited.  

Chapter Text

Jim really had intended to go straight back to his apartment, knowing his mother waited, but instead of heading to the floor where his temporary apartment was located, he found himself going past the building altogether to the one beside it where Spock had been assigned an apartment.

Spock was on the fourth floor so Jim rode the lift up and got off, striding down the hall to Spock’s door.

And then he faltered. What was he even doing here?

Sure it was true he hadn’t seen Spock in three days. They’d kept in touch about ship business via communicators of course. But Jim was trying not to be needy, not to be constantly smothering Spock with his presence.

He hadn’t even noticed he had been until he’d heard members of his crew making cracks about them being joined at the hip and that Jim followed Spock around like a puppy. One shouldn’t eavesdrop obviously. But he’d heard what he heard and had decided to put an end to such gossip. Especially since he was sure Spock was not appreciative of the talk going around.

Yet here he was like an idiot. He couldn’t go three days without being all up in Spock’s business. He’d see him at the dinner for his mom, so Jim turned and was about to go back the way he came when Spock himself came down the hallway toward him.

Caught.

“Oh, hello, Spock.”

“Captain?” He gave Jim a look of puzzlement and he guessed he couldn’t blame him. “You wished to speak with me?”

“Well.”

Spock tilted his head. “I have my communicator activated had you wanted to communicate with me.”

Jim smiled. “Yeah, I know. I was, er, just in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by.”

“Considering your apartment building is next door that would make sense.”

“Yeah.” Jim laughed. “Right.”

“Was there something important, Captain?”

“No, no. Just…wondering how getting the ship prepared for departure is going.” It sounded lame even to him. And really, Scotty would likely know more about that then Spock.

Still to Spock’s credit, he replied, “Everything is on schedule, Captain. There will be no issues.” He hesitated then. “Would you like to come inside?”

“No. Actually, my mom’s waiting back at my apartment. So I should get over there. See you at dinner?”

He didn’t miss the flash of reluctance that briefly appeared on his face before it was carefully tucked away behind his usual schooled expression.

“What? You aren’t coming?”

“Meaning no offense to your mother, Captain, but I find most social engagements awkward. I wonder if it might be best to have tonight’s dinner without me.”

Jim tried not to feel crushing disappointment. His own words to his mother rang through his head.

“We’re sorta friends. Friendly. Ish.”

Sometimes he wondered if even that was an exaggeration. The epic friendship Ambassador Spock had with his Jim Kirk had never materialized.

“Captain?”

He wouldn’t be the type to force his crew to socialize with him if they didn’t want to do so. This dinner wasn’t sanctioned by Starfleet so Spock didn’t have to come.

“Okay, sure. If you don’t feel up to it, that’s fine, Mister Spock. But I really need to get going.”

“What time is the dinner, sir?”

“Nineteen Hundred Hours. The restaurant is Jameson’s. It's in the building with Yorktown HQ. We have a special room.”

Spock nodded. “I may see you then.”

And honestly Jim almost belabored the point and told him to stay the fuck away, because really the hurt and irritation was starting to get to him. And he still had the words of the crew members about him following Spock around.

But all he did was smile and shrug slightly. “Gotta go.”

He didn’t run to the lift, really, but he did hurry. As soon as the lift doors closed, he leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, willing his emotional turmoil away. It was never going to be what he wanted with Spock, but he’d foolishly hoped they could be more than just ‘work buddies' who relied on each other to get the job done well.

“There you are,” his mother greeted him warmly when he got to his apartment. And honestly someone being glad to see him almost moved him to tears. God this depression was getting bad.

“Sorry it took longer than I thought it would. Oh, hey, you didn’t tell me you knew Commodore Paris.”

She gave him a quizzical look but then looked thoughtful. “Oh, I think I do know her. It’s been years though. Is her first name Sheila?”

Jim nodded.

“Of course she wasn’t Paris then. I’d forgotten she was in command of Yorktown. I think I did hear that several years back.”

“She wouldn’t mind seeing you while you’re here.”

“That would be great.” She studied him for a moment. “Are you okay, Jimmy? You look a little down since you were here earlier. I didn’t upset you when I asked you about friends, did I?”

He smiled and shook his head. “No, of course not. We’ve got a couple of hours before we have to go for dinner. Anything you want to do?”

“Let’s sit outside with a couple of glasses of wine.”

“That does sound nice. And I know a place with a nice patio overlooking the water feature in the main city where we can get those glasses. Great idea. I’ll let the owner know we’re coming so they can reserve us a table.”

“Anyone you want to invite to join us?” Mom asked as they headed for the door.

“You know what? Let me see if Bones can come.”

“I can’t wait to meet him.”

Jim texted Bones quick, holding his breath. Because really if Bones said no…

He grinned at Bones’ response.

I’ll be there with bells on.  

Chapter Text

“Thanks for coming out like this, Bones. I appreciate it.”

They’d made it to the patio wine bar. After he briefly introduced Bones to his mom, she had excused herself to the restroom.

“I’m happy to,” Bones assured him. “I was looking for something to ease my boredom until dinner tonight. How is your mom settling in?”

“Good I think. I did go into the control center for a short time but she seemed okay on her own.”

“I’m sure Paris would be fine without you for a few days, Jim.”

“I know. But I get used to being on duty all the time, you know? As captain, I’m never really off.”

Bones eyed him. “Speaking of, you are off. What’s wrong?”

Jim shook his head. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

“No you aren’t. There’s something. Not enjoying your mom’s visit? Thought you were looking forward to it.”

He laughed. “I am. There’s nothing wrong with my mom’s visit.”

“Is it the whole Altamid thing? You never really talked about the loss of the Enterprise. And all those crew members. Not to mention your barely escaping death yourself.” Bones paused. “Again.”

“None of that’s bothering me, Bones.”

“How about that bastard Marcus? I still can’t believe you hooked up with his daughter.”

“Carol wasn’t to blame for that.”

“Yeah, well. And then the whole Khan thing. You’ve had a lot of messed up shit happen, Jim.”

“And I’ve dealt with it.”

“The hell you have. Don’t make me order a psych eval.”

“I don’t need a psych evaluation,” Jim said through gritted teeth. “Drop it.”

“I’ll talk to Spock and get his input.”

Jim snorted and picked up the wine menu. “”Doubt he’ll have an opinion.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know. I’ve been getting a weird vibe from him lately. I think he’s reevaluating his decision to stay with Starfleet.”

Bones frowned. “Did he say that?”

“Not exactly. Anyway, don’t expect him to come to dinner tonight.”

Bones gaped at him. “What? He’s not coming to your mom’s dinner?”

“That’s kind of what he said, yeah. Listen, it’s fine. I refuse to force anyone on my crew to spend time with me.”

“Force them to spend time? Jim—”

“Ah, this is lovely,” his mom said, as she joined them at their table. “Sorry about that. TB.”

“TB?” Bones asked.

She grinned. “Tiny bladder.”

“Mom.” Jim laughed.

“Oh, he’s a doctor, he knows.”

Bones nodded. “I do indeed.”

Jim shook his head. “What should we get?”

“Captain Kirk!”

Suddenly a man rushed over to them and for a moment Jim reached for a phaser he realized he didn’t have. But the man was smiling wide and didn’t appear to be a threat.

“My staff told me you were here!” The man, not entirely Human, but Jim wasn’t sure what else he was, exclaimed enthusiastically. “What an honor to have the hero who saved all of our lives at my establishment.”

“Oh.” Jim shrugged self-consciously. “It wasn’t just me and anyway—”

“Nonsense. Don’t be modest. And you must be Dr. McCoy. I know all about your escapades too.”

“Well now…”Bones looked at Jim.

The proprietor turned to Winona. “And who is this delightful lady?”

“My mother, Winona Kirk.”

“Oh a complete pleasure. I’ve told my staff to give you anything you want, on the house.”

Jim protested, “Oh, that won’t be necessary.”

“It most certainly is. We wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for you, Captain, and your crew. I’ll send your server over and you just tell her what you want.”

Jim glanced at his mother who smiled back at him, and he said, “Okay, thank you. That’s very kind of you.”

When he’d moved off, his mom was grinning.

“My celebrity son.”

He rolled his eyes. “Hardly.”

She sighed. “You don’t know, Jim. They talk about you everywhere. On the ship here they even talked about you.”

He ducked his head and studied the menu. “Let’s just pick a wine.”

When the server brought their bottle of wine and poured them three glasses, they sat back at last to do some people watching while they sipped their wine.

Winona leaned back and exhaled. “I swear this is the first time I’ve relaxed in a long time.”

“So you have trouble relaxing like your son?” Bones asked.

“Hey! I relax.”

Bones shook his head. “You’ve refused the last three shore leaves.”

His mom arched her brows. “That true, Jimmy?”

“Look, when I was younger, I goofed off like anyone. But I’m older now with a lot of duties and responsibilities.”

She pursed her lips and glanced at Bones. “This is exactly what I was talking to him about. He doesn’t have any friends, does he? Other than you, of course.”

“Of course,” Bones said dryly. “I wouldn’t say he has no other friends.”

“See!”

“But not many.”

Jim grimaced. “You’re a lot of help.”

“Ever since the whole thing with Marcus and Khan happened, Jim’s kept to himself a lot,” Bones told her. “Doesn’t really socialize except with me. And once in a while he’ll play a game of chess with Spock. That’s kind of it.”

“What about Carol Marcus?” she asked.

“I’m right here!” Jim reminded them.

Bones snorted. “”Bad fit, those two. As I’m sure Jim told you. She was just the sort of gal Jim used to go for though. Before he became celibate.”

“Can we talk about something else now?” Jim asked, his tone as stony as he could make it.

“Well, I’m looking forward to dinner.” His mom poured herself more wine. “Surely with your bridge crew and command team, you have to have some friends. Or friendly relationships, anyway.”

“It’s not your job to worry about whether I have friends,” Jim told her.

“Pish. It most certainly is. I’m your mama. And if everyone doesn’t love you, then by God, I’m going to find out why!”

“Great,” Jim muttered. “You’d better pour me another glass too. I’m going to need it.”    

Chapter Text

Spock hadn’t wanted to come to this dinner.

It had nothing to do with any issue with the captain’s mother. He did not intend to be disrespectful.

But ever since his counterpart had died, his relationship with Nyota had ended for good, and he had, ultimately, ignored the pointed correspondence from certain Vulcan elders to do his duty and come to live on New Vulcan, Spock had felt at a loss. Adrift.

He no longer knew where he belonged.  

He had tried to make it work. He’d gone to the captain’s birthday party as Nyota had requested. He had attended other social functions she’d wanted him to. But he felt as out of place as he had many years ago as a child when other Vulcan children ostracized him.

Spock had finally told Nyota that while he viewed her with much affection, he was no longer in love with her romantically. Their final breakup had been difficult, but necessary.

He had stayed for…selfish reasons. Because Jim had insisted he could not get along without Spock. And because of that, Spock thought he would feel that he belonged, that Jim would make him feel that way, but on the contrary, Jim had pulled away from Spock. From everyone.

He was no longer the boisterous, loud party boy everyone assumed him to be, and while the abandonment of much of that persona had been welcomed by Spock, the change to the withdrawn, cool, quiet man Jim was now was not.

Once in a while Spock recognized some part of the Jim he’d once longed for in a quick gaze or smile, but it was gone in a flash, like a door slammed shut.

It was becoming difficult hiding his own loneliness and dissatisfaction and he had come to believe he had made a mistake staying with Starfleet and the Enterprise.

He tried to remind himself of the words of his counterpart, even the mementos of the life he’d had that he had kept, but that life and the friendships that Spock shared with his crew, his captain, seemed far removed from what Spock had experienced.

But Jim had expressed disappointment in Spock for trying to remove himself from socializing at his mother’s dinner and there had been something in those blue eyes that convinced Spock he would be failing some major test if he failed to attend.

And so, here he was. Even early.

Despite this, he was surprised to see most others had arrived. He saw Leonard, Nyota, Sulu and his husband, even Jim’s mother. But there was no sign of the captain himself. Though he should go and greet the other guests, logically, Spock did not do that. Instead he went in search of the captain.

He first checked the hallway where restrooms were located but he did not find Jim there, even after briefly checking the restroom itself.

The building where the restaurant was located had several locations where one could hide, so Spock began to walk around the area. It took him five minutes to see the shadow of a figure squeezed in between a wall and a very leafy plant.

Spock moved closer.

“Captain?”

A heavy sigh.

“Hey Spock.”

He frowned. “Why are you hiding from your mother’s party?”

“The hell if I know.”

Spock came closer still to observe him. Captain Kirk wasn’t looking in Spock’s direction. He was plaster to a window that overlooked a courtyard below.

“How long do you plan to stay there?” Spock asked.

“Forever?”

“Explain.”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t think I could if I tried.” He took a step back and turned to face Spock. There was evidence of tear tracks on his cheeks.

“Are you injured? Ill?”

“No,” Jim said softly. “But I’m glad you came. I didn’t think you would.”

“That is why I did.”

The ghost of the smile Spock once knew appeared briefly and then faded away.

“Let’s go. Before they send out a posse after me.”

Jim made to move past him and something made Spock reach out and grab his wrist. His fingers grazed against bare skin.

Sorrow, longing, love.      

Startled, Spock’s gaze met his captain’s, who grimaced and then moved his wrist away.

“Captain…Jim…”

“That was private information, Spock.”

“But it is no longer private.”

Jim gave him a look. “Come on. We’re late.”

And because he had no real choice, Spock fell in beside him as they headed back to where everyone waited.

Chapter Text

Just before they would reach the area where the others waited, Spock once more reached out and wrapped his hand around Jim’s wrist, drawing him back and away from forward progress.

“Spock, what—”

Spock spotted a door to the left, partially left open, and he headed for it. He pushed it all the way open, noted the small conference room was empty, and pulled Jim inside, shutting the door behind them.

“Spock, everyone’s waiting. My mom is waiting,” Jim protested.

“I know,” Spock acknowledged. “But we have surely been waiting long enough.”

Jim began to shake his head.

“Listen. My…mother. She deserved more from me. She went years never hearing me tell her I loved her. I do not know if she ever heard my father say it. He told me he did but did he tell her? I will never know as I do not have the bravery to ask. I know for sure I never said the words.”

Jim gave him a funny look, like maybe  he thought Spock had lost his mind. “I’m sure she knew, Spock.”

“Perhaps she did. Perhaps she assumed. But she should not have had to. When Nero murdered her and billions of others along with her, I lost that opportunity to ever tell her what she deserved to know.”

“What exactly are you saying here?”

Spock exhaled slowly. “I have known for an extended period of time that you were more important to me than anyone I have known, but I did not wish to feel that way, to experience such…vulnerability…was not something I ever desired to feel. And so I maintained a comfortable relationship with Nyota long after it should have ended for both of our sakes. I had convinced myself even after the dissolution of our relationship that it was best to keep my emotions logically tucked away as I have always done. But now I know.”

“Know what?” Jim whispered.

“That you return my affections.” Spock’s confidence faltered. “You do, do you not? Because—”

“Shut up.”

Startled, Spock said, “What?”

Jim pushed forward until Spock was flat against the wall of the conference room. “I said…shut up.”

And then he cupped Spock’s face and kissed Spock so hard and with such passion Spock knew what it meant to ‘see stars’.

With a startled gasp, he grabbed Jim, pulling him close, and kissing him back with all the years of pent up need he had ignored.

He found himself tempted to lift Jim up, lay him down on the conference room, and claim Jim as his own. But that would hardly be practical considering even now others were likely seeking them out.

Breaking away to breathe, they both panted. Jim’s eyes were sparkling like the finest of sapphires. His lips were puffy from their kisses and Spock had never found anyone more desirable.

“Say it,” Jim ordered, softly.

“I love you.”

That earned him another torrid kiss from which Spock was unsure he could recover. Not any time soon. He was hard and trying not to be under the circumstances.

“I love you too,” Jim told him when they came up for air again. “So much.”

They were kissing again and perhaps engaging in too much grabby hands, because eventually Jim pulled back, laughing softly and putting distance between them.

“I can’t believe this is real.”

Spock, still leaning against the wall, nodded.

“But we really have to stop this. Mom is expecting us. The others are here. We’re having dinner.”

“Yes.”

“And all I want to do is crawl all over you,” Jim admitted.

Spock swallowed heavily. “I want that too.”

Jim laughed again. “You aren’t helping.” He glanced toward the door. “Is it locked?”

“I did lock it, yes.” Spock followed his gaze. “I do not believe we have time to engage in intimate activities.”

“I know you’re right. It’s just…I’m afraid I’ll wake up and this will all be a dream.”

Spock stepped forward and took Jim’s hand in his. “It is not. I promise. I want what is between us as much as you do. And now that we both know that, a few hours delay will be bearable. For both of us.”

“Yeah.” Jim moistened his lips. “Yeah. And maybe this dinner with everyone is no longer something either of us needs to dread.”

“I believe you are correct.”

Jim leaned in and kissed him once more. “Come on. Let’s do this.”       

Chapter Text

Jim stopped again, down the hall from the room he’d reserved through Jameson’s Restaurant where the dinner was to be held.

He was absurdly anxious all of a sudden and entirely out of his element.

“Jim?”

“How do I look?” he asked Spock, knowing the Vulcan would find the question as absurd as he did, and yet he asked it anyway.

Spock, to his credit, kept his thoughts about how illogical Jim was to himself, and instead replied, “Presentable.”

“Presentable?”

The eyebrow went up. “Quite presentable.”

Jim nodded. His stomach felt queasy. Relationships and Jim Kirk just didn’t work. Ask all his exes. Not that there were many of them anyway because normally he didn’t even try.

But he so desperately wanted to try with Spock.

“What is wrong?”

“I’m basically a mess,” Jim replied. “All the time. You should know that.”

“I do.”

Jim blinked. “You do?”

Spock’s lips quirked upwards. “It will be all right. One step at a time. Right now we simply walk into the dinner you planned for your mother. That is all we need to do.”

“That’s it? We don’t, uh, have to tell anyone or make any declarations or whatever?”

“None whatsoever. Just walk into the dinner. That’s it.”

“Okay. Sure. I can do that.”

Jim made himself continue to walk down the hallway, feeling foolish, and unable to force the nerves away even still. As he approached the open door, he could hear loud talking. Not yelling or anything. Just normal conversations, with people raising their voices because others around them were talking and they were trying to be heard.

Just one step at a time.

He stepped inside, his gaze moving around the room past the setup dining table to locate his mother. There at the top, standing beside Bones and Scotty, engaged in what appeared to be a lively conversation.

Jim glanced briefly at Spock who inclined his head just enough for Jim to know he would follow him to join his mother.

“Look who I ran into outside,” Jim said, faking a smile.

His mother looked to Spock. “Oh, so you did make it, Mr. Spock. Leonard was just saying he wasn’t sure you would.”

“I was…feeling unwell earlier but my disposition has improved,” Spock replied. “I am pleased to meet you, Mrs.…?”

“Winona will do. My husband has been gone for a number of years now and I don’t acknowledge any subsequent husbands. I’m very glad to meet you, too.” She eyed Spock over the rim of her half-empty wineglass. “I appreciate meeting any friend of Jimmy’s.”

His mom picked up the wine bottle nearby. “Wine?” she asked Jim.

He shook his head. “No, I think I had too much earlier at that bar. I need a clear head.” A waiter caught his gaze. “Looks like they want us to take our seats and get started with the dinner.”

He sat beside his mother of course and he was not just a little relieved when Spock sat beside him on the other side. Bones took the seat next to his mom and next to Bones was Uhura and Scotty. On the other side of Spock sat Sulu and his husband, Ben, and their daughter. The wait staff handed them all menus.

Jim smiled at Spock. “I told them to make sure there are vegetarian options. Are there?”

“Indeed, I observe two different selections.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Jim noticed his mother watching them. He cleared his throat and turned his attention to her.

“What do you think you’ll have, Mom?”

“The filet mignon looks interesting,” she replied.

Jim nodded. “I think I’m going with something vegetarian.”

She smirked. “Oh? No meat?”

“Well. I just feel like maybe getting the butternut squash ravioli.”

“I see. And what about you, Spock? What are you getting?” His mom wondered.

“The three pepper risotto.”

Soon the wait staff came around and everyone got settled.

Jim did his best to steer all conversation away from him, even though his mother often tried to interject something about him and who his friends were. He knew she meant well but she was making him crazy.

A couple of times he felt Spock’s hand on his knee and Jim appreciated the gesture of comfort. It had soothed him and prevented him from causing a scene.

After it was over, Jim hung back a little, watching his mom grill each of his bridge officers about him. He wanted to stop her, really, but he thought rushing over and interrupting would only embarrass them both.

“You okay, Jim?” Bones asked, coming up to him, still holding a small glass of whiskey in his hand. “You’re pretty jumpy.”

“I love my mom, I do, but her Mama Bear act can be…’

“Too much?” Bones offered.

“To say the least. I think…I don’t know, Bones, that she has to make up for what I lacked when I was a kid. She wasn’t around much and she left Sam and me with Frank, which as you’re well aware didn’t work out well for any of us.”

“I’m sure you’re right, Jim. I think she means well though.”

“She does but she’s…I’m the captain, you know? She doesn’t realize it but she’s undermining my authority by going around insisting that my crew should see me as a friend.”

Bones smiled crookedly. “I don’t know about that. I don’t think your authority is in any danger. But if you feel she’s overstepped, you should have a gentle conversation with her.”

“I’ve tried.”

Bones patted his arm. “Try again. And speaking of overstepping, something going on with you and Spock?”

Jim really hoped he wasn’t blushing but he couldn’t deny his face felt suddenly on fire.

“I don’t…what are you even talking about?” Smooth Jim.

Bones shrugged. “You two just seem different. Earlier you were, I don’t know, sad, I guess, and I was concerned. I’m still concerned because I’m me and you’re you, but you seem less sad and I’ve noticed Spock looking at you a certain way.”

“A certain way?”

“With affection. Vulcan affection, of course,” Bones cracked. “Far cry from the same Vulcan you mentioned wasn’t even going to come to the dinner.”

“Well. I mean. We may have come to some kind of understanding. Of a sort.”

“That’s vague enough.”

Just then he noticed his mother had moved on from Uhura and Scotty to cornering Spock.

“Shit. I’d better go intervene.”

Bones followed his gaze and chuckled. “I’m pretty sure he can handle her.”

“Maybe. But can she handle him? I don’t know.” He shook his head and Bones and scooted up between Spock and his mother. “So…hey.”

“Hey yourself,” his mom said.

“Are you ready to go back to the apartment?”

“I suppose so.” She looked past Jim to Spock. “Are you ready?”

“I am,” Spock replied.

“Huh?”

His mom smiled. “I invited Spock over for tea.”

“You accepted?” Jim asked.

“I did.”

Bones walked over and put his hand on Jim’s shoulder. “What’s this about tea at your place?”

“The more the merrier,” Winona told Jim’s friend.

“I wouldn’t miss it,” Bones said with a wink.

Jim deflated. “Swell.”