Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Mmh- Please,... No more." You manage between hiccups, tears pricking your eyes.

You grasp at the bed sheet below, cuffs around your wrists, keeping you from pulling far from the bed frame. A large hand firmly grips your side, two fingers painfully digging into your skin against your rib cage. Wetness drips down your thighs, making them sticky as hips roll into yours, grinding against you firmly. It only aids his quick, deep thrusts, making them fluid and pleasurable.

When he wants to make you shout, his hips buck into you hard, his balls slapping against your clit and sending a jolt of electricity through you that settles in your abdomen and has you clenching down around him.

"Are you going to be good?"

"I... I'll be good!"

"Do I have to chain you to the bed permanently before you'll behave?"

"N-no..."

Not long after the word slips from your mouth, he shifts his grip, grabbing more of your hip as he pulls you against him firmly, making you shudder and give a weak noise, your tears slipping out to wet your lashes lightly. You tremble, breathing deep and whining as he stills there. You're so full of him... Stretched all around every inch of him.

"Are you sure? Sure that you'll behave this time? Because I recall you saying that twice now, and you still have yet to keep your word."

You whimper, burying your face against the pillow. He shifts his weight and you tremble with a soft noise at the way it changes the angle of him within you. He grips your hair firmly, removing his hand from your hip to balance himself above you.

"Well? What do you have to say to that? What reason do I have to trust you when you've lied to me?"

When did this all start? How long has it been since you've been confined here, in this place? You remember the words of that man that looked so identical and yet different, his sharp gaze upon you. You think you might have even seen pity there in his gaze despite his resting bitch face.

"He's become... Unhinged after all this time. Losing people he grows attached to again and again in an endless cycle... Human lives are fragile and fleeting compared to ours, after all. You'd be better off just obeying. As repulsive as I think his habit of taking and keeping human toys in this manner is... It's better to please than upset him if you know what's good for you. Better him than someone else who wants worse for you, yes?"

His words had churned your stomach and you had sent him as defiant a look as you often send your captor. He'd once been your hero... Saving you from some unsavory men's grasp and yet... He took you prisoner like this, keeping you confined here in this place as if you were nothing more than a pet. It was a bitter betrayal. He'd gained your trust, your friendship, and broke it so easily.

He'd taken you from your home and to this place so far removed from anything, so far from civilization. You'd once found him attractive, perhaps even liked him, and now... Here you are. His cheerful and friendly demeanor hid something darker, something crueler. Behind those kind eyes laid a monster in wait. Every action, every word, every touch,... It now meant something else: a claim.

That grip you'd once found so reassuring against your shoulder whenever someone made you nervous or uncomfortable now felt suffocating and possessive in your memories. Features that had once been so soft and beautiful now looked terrifying.

"Wh... Vash?! Where- Where is this? What happened?" You had asked upon waking in a strange place in a strange bed, glancing around.

"Why, home of course!" He had said in a chipper tone, a smile plastered on his face that, paired with those shades of his hiding his eyes from view, sent a chill along your spine.

Your blood felt like it had turned to ice in your veins. Disbelief and then horror falling over you. Vash had acted as if he had done nothing wrong, stating that he'd start on breakfast, leaving you stunned. At first, despite your overwhelming fear, you thought that perhaps this was a dream, a twisted one, but a dream nonetheless. But no... It was increasingly real from the smell and taste of the food to Vash's ominous threats and warnings.

"Now, no running off~ Stay here and I'll be right back."

You had watched him leave, still not quite sure what to make of everything. And despite the food tasting very good, you didn't have the stomach to eat a whole lot.

You had at first thought awakening to being carried through darkness, moons shining down on you in someone's arms had been a nightmare, that your frantic struggling and the suffocating feeling of having a hand around your neck, pressing down until everything went black again was nothing more than a frightening dream, but...

Perhaps it was reality, for how else would you have gotten here, unaware that you were swept from your home and brought this far, beyond anything recognizable? Your first escape attempt had put you in a dire, near death situation without access to food or water under the heat of the suns.

You had sat there, at that table for quite a while before deciding to slip out silently, but for how far you'd gone, you hadn't seen any sign of civilization besides this odd little forest surrounded by desert, a home in the center. It was strange, and the house unsettling, but perhaps it was because you were kept locked in the basement afterwards. It felt like a prison cell.

He'd found you collapsed from the heat, your throat unbearably dry as you awoke. How long had you been asleep to feel this weak? This low on water? Half asleep still, you found something uncomfortable pressing into your neck, making sleeping comfortably difficult. And upon raising, a clinking noise had startled you. You'd pulled up relatively quickly, making yourself nauseous with how it made your head spin and ache.

"Careful now. You were dehydrated, you know? You're lucky I found you in time."

You'd jerked your head in the direction of the voice, seeing Vash sitting there. You had soon found yourself glowering at him from your place on the bed, your legs folded beneath you as you watched him clean his gun, the same one he'd used to take down those men, apprehending them and saving you from a horrible fate.

Tugging that chain had been useless, for you found how it was fixed to the bed and knew you did not have the key or proper tools to unlock it some other way, and the frame was made of metal, not wood, so it's not like you could break it so easily. Silence prevailed all but the sounds of his cleaning in the moments that followed, the chain dangling from your neck heavy, a weight that seemed to remind you of your current situation.

He continued to ignore you even though he was the entire reason you were even here, in this predicament, the reason you can't leave, and will never be able to if he gets his way. It's not until he'd finished, the smell of that awful gun oil reaching your nose and making it wrinkle, putting it back together and holding it up to check his sights that he put it away and turned his gaze to you.

He turns his face back forward, closing his eyes and lowering his head slightly, giving what seems to be a wry grin at seeing the look on your face.

"Come now, don't look at me like that... I wouldn't have had to do this if you didn't try to run away after I told you not to. It'd be a shame to lose someone as pretty as you so soon."

Your glare had deepened, your hackles raising. Your fault?!? For trying to run away?!?! You could almost snarl at him you had been fuming so much. It had taken much pleading from your end for him to unlock that awful metal collar from your neck, promises that you'd "be good."

You had even resorted to affection, but the first time your lips had met and parted with his, Vash's lips had stayed parted in shock momentarily before they settled into a thin line and he said, "Bribery... Will get you nowhere."

You were allowed enough slack during the day to reach the bathroom and get food and water, but you were stuck chained to the bed. He would shorten it when it came time to sleep, assuring that you couldn't do anything but rest or lay there until morning. He left you books to read, but there was little else to do when he wasn't there to momentarily let you off, to take you on "walks."

It was the only time you were allowed off, but only if you let him hold your hand. And if you jerked or fought him, his grip tightened to painful. If you fought having the collar back around your neck, you were met with force. And the first time you resisted too much and his hand went around your neck, squeezing like you remembered that night, you knew... It had to have been him, it had to have been real. This...

Wasn't just a nightmare, but your worst come to life. Blackness greeted you, and you awoke some time later to the smell of food in the air. Dinner, you guessed. You decided to be more cooperative this time. If you behaved well enough, made him think you'd given up,... You could try for freedom again, try a different direction this time.

Of course, he found you so easily again, before you even had enough time to nearly die of dehydration again, this time tackling you down to the ground. You gave a noise of surprise, your eyes widening as the air was knocked from your lungs. Next thing you knew, you were gasping for air on the ground. He'd had a very stern expression on his face this time, causing you to go stiff and still.

With his brow furrowed like that, he no longer had a youthful appearance, but looked older, that frown and those glowing blue eyes making him a terrifying visage for your still breathless self. You clenched your eyes shut and lowered your head, unable to hold that stare any longer. You knew already that he was not human, having met his twin in the forest moments prior. You'd thought you'd been had so soon after slipping away, but no...

He didn't stop you, but he did give you that warning and another ominous one: "I won't stop you, but if he asks where you went, I'm not lying to him. I will tell him which direction you went in, so if you'd rather keep the trust you've earned, you best turn back. And if not,... I won't be saving you from the consequences."

And now, here you are, face down with your hips raised high, Vash buried deep within you while your hands are chained around a post in the center of the bed frame. You whimper, his stillness which you'd begged for now torture. No movement at all with him buried so deep has you fighting the urge to wiggle down hard. Your thighs tremble, having been so close to the edge and now denied.

You weep quietly, ashamed and yet desperate for that pleasure he'd been giving you moments prior.

"I've been very generous, you know. I've given you a safe home in a haven no other human has the luxury of, away from all civilzation and anyone that would wish you harm. I trusted you openly the first time, and even gave you a second chance. The third time will be the last." He leans in again, his voice deep and loud in your ear despite the way he whispers, "You run away again, and you'll never leave this room. I'll chain you up here until you die."

You whimper, clenching your eyes shut tighter and grasping the sheet beneath you in a white knuckled grip as he wraps his free hand around your neck.

"Do you understand?" You nod furiously when his hand tightens ever so slightly. "Tell me, how many licks do you think you deserve for your misbehavior? You did lie to me, and try to run away twice..."

You attempt to make yourself as small as possible beneath him, knowing what he means by licks. It reminds you of the threats your father made should you misbehave, and just hearing a belt snap was enough to make you flinch now. And despite how frightened the prospect makes you, you know there's only one answer that will satisfy him, and you know it will be any answer but a small amount.

"...A lot." You manage weakly.

"A lot, huh?" He questions in your ear. "And how much do you reckon "a lot" is?"

"...Over twenty?" You venture, scared of how hard he plans to be hitting, not sure if you can take less than ten, much less more than fifteen.

"Over twenty..." He trails off as he pulls back from your ear, and you stay as curled up as you can, your shoulders hunched and upper body leaning more against the bed.

You give a weak noise when he pulls out of you suddenly, leaving you trembling.

"Since I'm so generous, I'll give you a choice: Do you wanna receive those licks by belt or open palm?"

You chew your lip, knowing that both is going to bring you pain, just a different kind of lingering sting. You're just grateful he's generous enough to be gentle afterwards, being careful of where he touches you and soothing your sore rear. You feel defeated, beaten down and broken afterwards, the cuffs now removed from your wrists but the metal collar around your neck stays, the excess of your chain dangling off the top of the bed.

Your heart aches, even as he holds you in his arms, and you know now that there's no escape. Your fate had been sealed the moment you'd met him, you know that now. There was nothing you could have done to avoid this fate, you don't think. He'd picked you out of everyone the very day he saved you. You feel his nose nuzzle into your hair, his voice quiet when he speaks.

"Why do you keep running away? You know I only want to keep you safe..."

"...I didn't ask for this." You respond, voice scratchy and equally quiet.

"You didn't have to."

His hands begin to wander, his palms soothing over your skin, up along your back and spine.

"Why... Why me?"

"Why not you?" He asks quietly, as if the words almost break him. "I saved you that day; we became friends... I care about you." He holds you tighter, burying his face more into your hair. "I didn't want you to die because of some other human's reckless decision. As much as I wished it were true for the longest,... Humans can't co-exist in total peace one hundred percent of the time. There's always going to be at least one who thinks their reasons for hurting and killing are justified. But here, away from them, I can protect you better, better than I ever could have there. I just don't want to lose you..."

"He's become... Unhinged after all this time. Losing people he grows attached to again and again in an endless cycle..."

But... If you were truly friends, if he truly did care about you, why didn't he tell you? Why didn't you get to have a say in this situation?

-

You don't dare trying to escape again so soon, not after that punishment, and not after that threat. You ache horribly for the next few days, wincing from the slightest touch to your bruised rear, and you were certain that he was serious about keeping you confined here until you died if you tried again. So,... You tried to act the part. You were silent and obedient, accepting any of his touches without protest.

All you feel is numb and empty in the days that follow. His food is always good, but it only makes your stomach upset, seeming too rich for your suddenly sensitive gut. When you don't lay awake at night, staring distantly and feeling lost, you find yourself crying quietly the moment Vash's breathing falls deep and even.

You cry as quietly as you possibly can the nights your emotions overwhelm you, but one night, Vash shifts as you sniffle, wet tears sliding down your face. He shushes you softly, rubbing your back and shifting to kiss away your tears.

"It's alright," He whispers.

But it's not. Even as he wipes your face dry and holds you in what he must be trying to make a comfortable and protective embrace, you can't help the way your heart aches in pain from how betrayed you still feel. You can't help but wonder what things would have been like had this not happened, had he not abducted you and kept you prisoner here. Would you have dated him? Potentially even married him?...

You couldn't deny that you used to find him handsome, that you'd thought about kissing him more than once. He's never felt so much like a stranger to you than he has since bringing you here. Part of you still hopes this is all just some twisted nightmare. But you don't wake up. It keeps going, and at some point, you cave into his touch, craving it still despite the pain in your chest.

You want things to go back to the way they were before, you want this nightmare to end and your Vash, the real Vash, to come back. You want the one you joked with and had fun at bars with back, you want the one who was always there with moral support when you needed encouragement, and you wanted the Vash back that wasn't an insane kidnapper who chained you up so you couldn't leave the room without his supervision.

You're scared and hurt and everything just feels so hopeless. You feel like you don't have a purpose, and the seeming impossibility of escape has you worn down and depressed. He gives you things to occupy your time with, but sometimes the monotony of those things makes your brain hurt and wish that you could do something- anything- else.

You're not sure exactly what he does in the moments he leaves you entirely alone, but he does something, and you're left to feel the myriad of emotions swirling and bubbling inside of you all by your lonesome. Part of you debates using the chain attached to the collar to strangle yourself with, but you never do. You want to be free, outside in the sunlight, not dead, even if this situation is beyond shitty.

Vash plays it off like he's doing you a favor, that he's keeping you safe from the rest of the world here, always keeping that smile on even when it seems to slip a little and you think he might be regretting his actions, even if it's only a little bit. You curl up on the bed and sigh, resigned to staring off into the distance again. He's the only other person here, and pushing him away or merely tolerating his touches only works for so long.

Your fighting lasts only briefly, the moments where you shy away from his touch or wriggle out of his hold, ignoring him when he speaks to you or comes near. You can't keep it up for long, because when you do, you finally receive space and he leaves you to now sleep alone again, only visiting to deliver meals. You find yourself going nearly insane in the silence. The lack of his presence becomes too much to bear.

You have no one now, and your mood dampens greatly. It becomes so bad that you take up pacing and develop fidgeting spells. You try more than ever to free yourself or tug the bed so that you have more range to your chain to no avail, only resulting in sore muscles and hands, or a sore neck. The days seem to pass more slowly, and yet,...

You're ashamed that you cave and eventually cling to Vash, begging him to come back and not leave after about what must be a little over a week of this new and foreign routine. You seek his contact, his constant reassurance that he won't be gone for too long, giving a soft whimper every time you think he might leave. You've become broken, lonely in this space you've been confined to.

The only other person who you know stays within the vicinity of this place is that man that you'd only met once. He never visits, and part of you thinks now that perhaps he was a mirage or something, a figment of your imagination, your fears of Vash manifesting into an entirely new entity. The fight has finally fully left you, you think, replacing it with something worse: a sense of despair.

Almost every night you feel sad, you bury your face in his chest and wish things could have been different, that he'd let you make the choice to come willingly, because you're almost certain you would have before he completely shattered your trust, before he'd revealed his true, twisted nature to you. Now you can only feel grief at the knowledge you now hold and the predicament you're now in.

It takes you a lot longer to convince him to trust you a second time, and you find yourself laying your head down in the window and staring outside wistfully. It's so different from the endless sand and rock you'd been used to, but the sun's rays are what you find yourself craving during your isolation, your punishment for trying to leave a second time after nearly dying during your first attempt.

"When will you let me go again?" You ask one night, referring to your collar as your fingers glide along his lower arm.

You've grown used to the weight of the chain, but it doesn't mean you still don't want it off at the soonest opportunity. You feel him sigh as much as you hear it.

"Do you promise not to run anymore?"

You're not even aware you've gripped his arm that's slung over you, holding you, until you come back down from the head space that question immediately puts you in. Your mind jumps back to his threat, to the way both of your previous escape attempts failed spectacularly, and his punishment for you trying to leave the second time. You just... You're so tired.

You let out a sigh, slumping in his arms, and it's only then you realize you'd been holding his arm as your hand relaxes.

"Yeah." You respond, voice just as tired as you feel inside.

You shift, not missing the way his arm lightly tightens around you, as if you're going to pull away and make a break for it even now, chained up like this. You roll over and bury your face in his chest, still feeling hopeless and lost about the situation. You blink in surprise the moment he shifts backwards and he grabs your chin and tilts it upward before you can even turn your gaze up to him on your own.

Those nearly green eyes of his are looking down at you, analyzing your face and the look in your eyes. You can only blink at him in response and look up at him with slight confusion, growing a little nervous as this stretches on. He gives a sigh, pulling away to stand, and you quickly sit up, nearly moving to follow, almost afraid he'll leave you alone again. And he does leave the room, urging you to shift just a bit.

You won't be able to go all that far like this, but... As much as it really hurts some nights to sit and think about how things have turned out, being alone is so much worse. You really do find yourself wishing that you'd just never met him to begin with some days, but... If that were true,... Your fate would have been vastly different, perhaps even taking a turn for the absolute worst had he not showed up to your rescue.

It makes you so sad that he decided to just straight up do this instead of merely offering you a place to live beyond there, that he couldn't have just asked you to join him in this little paradise. Because it was pretty here. It's not like living here would have been so awful under better circumstances. And yet,... You let out a breath through your nose and turn your gaze downward for several long seconds before his return urges you to look back up.

You're rather surprised by the fact you don't even really have time to look up at him before he's grabbing the metal around your neck. You stiffen, eyes widening, especially when metal clinks and suddenly you're free. You rub your neck and look up at him. He removes it from around the bed frame next and leaves again for several long seconds before returning. You're still where he left you when he comes back. You're...

Eager, excited, and hesitant all at once. You feel like you could move around joyously, maybe even run again, but... You don't. You stay put, the cogs in your mind turning. You briefly even consider if perhaps you could have used that same collar on him had he just left it there as the night stretched. Could you... Catch him that off guard and leave him here, like that? However, the thought is brief. He's strong.

What if he's strong enough to snap that piece of metal? There's no way you could, heck, you've tried! But... It's not some super thick shackle. What if he could bend it just enough to free himself in less than a few minutes? He caught up to you rather easily that second time. You... Don't really want to risk any immediate escape attempts right now.

Especially since your last punishment and the fact things had gone on this long before you earned your freedom from that contraption a second time. You don't want to blow your chance again so soon. You'll be patient this time, and more cautious. You watch him, the way he eyes you almost uncertainly as he stands beside the bed for a moment before actually climbing back in.

You hesitate, but rather obediently settle back into a position similar to the one the two of you had been in when you'd first asked about your freedom from that collar. It's... Different this time. You're more tense, head more filled with thoughts. You're not... Not really sure what to do. Even if you did finally find civilization again, where would you go? How long would it take you to get back to your home? Would it even still be there?

Would it have already been cleaned out, looted and sold to someone else?... Would it even be worth going back? After it's already been so long? Your heart sinks in your chest. All you'd really wanted from him... Had been the choice to choose this fate.

-

You lean back and draw in a breath, the smell of the outside filling your nostrils paired with the sun shining down on you from between the trees' leaves helps to soothe your battered soul somewhat. It's not perfect, but... Your gaze moves over to Vash, watching as he tills the ground, a plot cleared of trees to your left. You watch him raise and lower his arms with force, breaking through the dirt, preparing rows to plant different kinds of vegetables.

Well, now you know what he does when he leaves you alone inside... You're just so glad to be out of that damn basement room. Fuck. You look back up after a while, up into the trees' leaves and the sky beyond, sighing. Yeah, you're not going to be able to overpower that man. Your face scrunches as the thought makes you remember those 'licks' he gave you.

Okay, so maybe escape is out of the question right now if you wish to continue sitting normally and not experience pain every time you do so. You roll over to face away from him, leaning against the tree's large protruding roots and using your arms to pillow your head. Too bad you didn't have access to a Toma... You could have potentially already escaped if you did. Maybe he knows that. Maybe that's why he doesn't keep them.

That sends your thoughts to exploring. If you could make it somewhere on a Toma, what direction would likely lead you somewhere? Surely he had to be close to somewhere. There's no way he walked all the way here in one night when he kidnapped you. You raise your head suddenly. Unless your home is closer to here than you first thought... Maybe you'd just gone the wrong way... Twice. But...

Then wouldn't people have come by here by then? Wouldn't there be busses and sandsteamers coming by this way? Some lost traveler? Something's not adding up... You wonder if perhaps you had the right idea the second time which is why he was so determined to catch you that time around. You give a quiet hum as you ponder. You can't get the cogs in your mind to stop turning, to stop craving freedom.

It makes you a little antsy, knowing you could try and escape again but knowing now that you need to be more careful. And... Really, where are you going to go where he potentially wouldn't find you? Where could you hide until he found you again? Would he give up, find someone else, or...? You think back to that man.

"Human toys" stuck out to you from those words you think you could have imagined, but maybe you hadn't from that man you've mysteriously never seen again. It implies... You're not the first, and that... You might not be the last. Who is Vash exactly? What is he? You chew your lip, worrying that, even if you did get away, he might still look until he found you again. And what would your punishment be then?

You don't fancy being a prisoner forever, but... Having somewhat of free range, even if he's never really far, is a huge upgrade from being chained and confined to a single, boring room.

"Vash," You start eventually, hearing the monotonous sound of the farming tool striking the ground halt, "Why did you bring me here? Really, what were you expecting from this?"

There's a long stretch of silence, so long you think he's not going to answer.

When he does, however, you nearly have to strain your ears to hear, "You know why," before the striking sound starts up again, the sound of dirt being tilled.

He doesn't even bother to answer the second half of your question.

-

"Mmh-" Is the muffled sound you make as his lips press back against yours, taking up the energy you think you've already expended.

Your hands curl into fists against his scarred skin, nails shifting against him painlessly in the process. You feel tears form in your eyes despite the fact that this was all your idea to begin with. You couldn't stop yourself from snuggling close, burying your face in his neck, and taking to dragging your teeth against his skin.

Part of you thinks perhaps it was a frustrated action and that you might have bitten him harder if you could actually get a good grip there and do little more than small nips or just briefly able to hold a bit of his skin between your teeth due to the angle and the fact you don't think the skin there was really loose enough to properly bite to begin with. Maybe it was just that time of your cycle and you're acting irrationally due to out of wack hormones.

You're honestly not quite sure what had driven you initially, you just know that when he'd shifted and pinned you down beneath him, a heat stirs along with fear causing you to begin to tremble. You know what he's capable of, and what he's done in the past to you. And yet...

You think he sees something there in your gaze when he looks down at you like that, and you wonder if he can make sense of all the muddled nonsense rattling around in your brain at this very moment. You just know that you're broken and nothing makes sense anymore. You're not sure what you're supposed to feel. Angry with him still? Distraught?

You already still feel numb, even though you coming over to watch him cook rather than sit there awkwardly and waiting boredly and impatiently for time to pass and dinner to be ready seemed to please him this evening. You still wonder about those who came before you and what their fate might have been.

You shudder to think the ghosts of girls from his past had stayed in this exact same house and perhaps had the exact same sorts of things happen to them. You don't really know... What to do with yourself. And while your heart had pounded as those teeth bit lightly at your neck much like you'd done moments prior, lips and tongue pressing against your skin in a way yours hadn't on his,...

You tremble still, but gasps escape your throat along with small whines and you jerk beneath the feeling, sensations bringing a flush to your cheeks, somehow pleasant. Your heart thuds against your rib cage and you try to force yourself to breathe deep an even, to calm down if just a fraction. You're still stuck on the past, on the what-ifs and could-have-beens. What would it have been like to sleep with him before all of this?

You thought that... Maybe... You could pretend, that the way his lips move against yours and against your skin and the way his hands hold you and drift across your skin could take you to an alternate reality of sorts, that you could imagine it's your house and that you invited him over one evening for something a little more than the friendship you'd shared and the small crush you'd had on him. But...

As hard as you try, as much as you press yourself against him and hold him, trying so hard to close your eyes and dream of a time before all of this, your mind and body remembers. Your shaking has nothing to do with cold, or anticipation. You're afraid of him. You have been ever since waking here, of realizing something was wrong. And you can't pretend... That it didn't happen, no matter how hard you try. With time, maybe... You can learn, but...

Your breath hitches at the caresses of his hands, his gentle groping. It's a little harsh, but still not like... You stiffen, heart pounding as you gasp for air. You don't even realize you're crying until he's kissing away your tears, smearing wetness as you turn your head instinctively away. But still, you catch yourself, and move your hands to hold and touch him regardless. And even though he's gentler than... Then,...

You cling tightly, hiding your face against him, and he lets you. He holds you close afterwards, hands roaming aimlessly and giving your shoulder a light squeeze which in turn urges you to hold him tighter. You keep your face hidden against him, only shifting when he leans down to kiss your skin softly. If only... Things could have been different. If only you could forget,... Perhaps you'd feel differently about this.

Maybe, in some other timeline, things work out between the two of you. Your heart aches with the knowledge of the reality, but your mind and heart wander to a different time. You imagine a world where things are perfect, where nothing went wrong and where you can live blissfully unaware of the harsh, horrifying realities of this world.

Your head tilts upward, lips pressing against his jaw as you keep your eyes shut, telling yourself that it's only a fantasy that you're dreaming of and that you're not actually trying to replace this world with the one in your mind. It's a lie, however, one that the more you tell yourself, you can feel the ache in your heart lessen, and your mind starts to feel a little foggier. In time, perhaps, you can train yourself to make all the negatives vanish.

In the meantime, however, you can feel another tear making a track down your face, but you shove aside the hurt and the sadness, opting instead to breath him in and press closer, bathing in the warmth of his skin and trying to imagine yourself back in your room as his hands continue to move against you. In the small pocket of your mind, you're safe in the arms of your best friend turned lover.

You're smiling, expression one of bliss, and he's smiling too as he nearly curls around you, protecting you from the rest of the world. If you continue to pretend and try hard enough, train yourself to battle the negatives of the situation... Perhaps you can find a way to be happy here too. You cling tighter to him, wishing you could just forget. It'd be easier that way, rather than burdened with the truth and feeling trapped with no hope of escape.

You squeeze him tightly in your arms, trying to pull yourself from your dark thoughts and ground yourself in reality. If you can get yourself to stop thinking, to stop remembering or pondering,... His grip tightens on you too and you force your eyes open, to look at him. You swallow thickly, bracing yourself and shifting to kiss him. You need to learn to forget, or you'll always be frightened an miserable. You just need to...

His lips shift lightly against yours, and it's hard to battle back the tears that want to rise, the emotions that want to resurface, the trembling that wants to take hold of you again. When you pull away and gasp for air, you lean your forehead against his, grasping at his shoulders.

"Help me,..." You manage, a near broken whisper. "I want to forget, for things to be what they could have been between us..."

He reaches up, grasping your chin a little firmly but not roughly as his forehead leans back against yours.

"I will." He whispers, voice soft and quiet, something about his tone also seeming a little sad- remorseful? greivous?- for a reason you can't define.

You let out a shuddery breath, the last remnants of your lingering current consciousness telling you that this is wrong, a bad idea, that you're essentially giving your current you up, and yet,... There's a sharp sensation in your mind, a sense of invading that has your brow furrowing and a faint pain and numbness as it feels like your memories become muddled for a moment, hard to process, but soon enough,...

Things start to become more clear, memory piecing itself back together and your brow unfurrowing as it does so, a heavy weight feeling like is being lifted from your shoulders. There's a nagging sense of wrongness, that something isn't quite right as you feel it slowly coming back together, but... You give in fully to the wish to forget, the still lingering part of current you wanting so badly to shed the pain. Whatever happens after this,...

Surely it must be better than constantly living a life of fear, regret, painful ponderings, and heartbreak.