Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Presidents -

@FatherOfYOURCountry - George Washington

@NOTROTUND - John Adams

@YesILoveFranceDealWithIt - Thomas Jefferson

@NotMadJustDisappointed - James Madison

@GoReadMyDoctrine - James Monroe 

@IDontHaveDaddyIssues - John Quincy Adams

@IWillSecedeYourHeadFromYourBody - Andrew Jackson

@FirstManBornToTheNation - Martin Van Buren

@TippicanoeWithACoat - William Henry Harrison

@NotAnAccident - John Tyler

@5440ORFIGHT - James K. Polk

@IHateCherriesAndMilk - Zachary Taylor

@WhyNotCompromise - Millard Fillmore

@ItWontGiveMeMySonBack - Franklin Pierce

@NotAuntFancy - James Buchanan 

@HealedANationButNotMyself - Abraham Lincoln

@ThanksToOneVote - Andrew Johnson

@UnconditionallySurrenderToMe - Ulysses S. Grant

@NotAFraud - Rutherford B. Hayes

@IWillGiveYouTheJob - James Garfield

@ForgottenInExclusion - Chester A. Arthur

@MyNieceAndIAreBackForMore - Grover Cleveland

@IcebergStuckInTheMiddle - Benjamin Harrison

@ImperialismAndBullets - William McKinley

@DONOTCALLMETEDDY - Theodore Roosevelt

@ICanGetOutOfBathtubs - William Howard Taft

@BirthedANation - Woodrow Wilson

@NotADomedTeapot - Warren G. Harding

@SilenceIsNice - Calvin Coolidge

@FocusOnTheGreatHumanitarian - Herbert Hoover

@CantWalkYetIDoMoreThanYou - Franklin D. Roosevelt

@DeweyDefeatedMe - Harry Truman 

@EverybodyLikesIke - Dwight D. Eisenhower

@MyDeathIsNotAConspiracy - John F. Kennedy

@JumboNeverLies - Lyndon B. Johnson

@N0tACrook2 - Richard Nixon

@MrNiceGuy - Gerald Ford

@JustAPeanutFarmer - Jimmy Carter

@SupposedToBeActing - Ronald Reagan

@NotMySonW - George H.W. Bush

@ThanksToOneVote1998 - Bill Clinton

@NotMyDadHW - George W. Bush

@OopsSorryWilson - Barack Obama

@OrangeManJacksonFan12 - Donald Trump

@OlderThanYourGrandma - Joe Biden

Vice Presidents -

@IDidNotDoThatToACouch - JD Vance

Purely Fictional -

@WashingtonTech - The White House’s preeminent tech support. 

House of Representatives, Cabinet and Senate Positions * -

@SenateWhip - Senate Whip (minority & majority combined)

@SecOfState - Secretary of State 

@SecOfDef - Secretary of Defense

@SecOfTres - Secretary of the Treasury

* Only if said historical figure would only appear once and their position is the only important part of their character

Alt accounts and trolling accounts -

@InLoveWithMissNancy - Andrew Jackson impersonating James Buchanan

@InLoveWithOldHikory - James K. Polk’s Jackson fanpage

@HungOnAnAppleTree - Abraham Lincoln impersonating Jefferson Davis

@KrushingTheKlan - Ulysses S Grant’s public safety account 

Founding Fathers/Revolutionary War:

@OnlyVisibleSignature - John Hancock

@OopsFranceHatesMe - John Jay

@LibertyOrDeath - Patrick Henry

@HarnessYourInnerLightning - Benjamin Franklin

19th Century:

@BetterCompromiserThanYou - Henry Clay

@SlvryPositiveGood - John C. Calhoun

@NotMissNancy - William Rufus King

Civil War:

@MakeTheSouthScorchedEarthAgain - William Tecumseh Sherman

@NOTKILLEDBYMYOWNSOLIDERS - Stonewall Jackson

@AtLeastIDiedWithMyPeople - Robert G. Shaw

@SaveMyMonumentPls - Robert E. Lee 

@SavingTheMan - Ward C. Lamon

@TenuredToMyOffice - Edwin Staton

@NOTFOUNDINCRINOLINE - Jefferson Davis

@IKnowALector - Hannibal Hamlin 

@WishICouldLoveJoy - Owen Lovejoy

@CanedButNotAfraid - Charles Sumner

@SPEEDyJosh - Joshua Speed

@ChasingSalmon - Salmon P. Chase

@OneVoteShort - Benjamin Wade

Gilded Age/Reconstruction: 

@HarpersWeeklyTom - Thomas Nast

20th Century:

@IDefeatedTruman - Thomas Dewey

@STORMThurmond - Strom Thurmond

@S*gregationForever - George Wallace

21st Century:

@About2beRealGOREy - Al Gore

@InvitedToGroupChat - Atlantic Editor Jeffery Goldberg

Chapter Text

Founding Father Chat:

@FatherofYOURCountry

Greetings all.

I am George Washington, the cherry-tree cutting, coin-skipping, “cannot tell a lie” first president. 

All you people after me will have to look in my eyes as you make your decisions. Ponder what impact your words and actions will have on the country. Use your power well, for I am always watching you through my portrait. The country has me to speak for them.

@NotMadJustDisappointed

Uhh, what if the British burn the White House down again? Ever thought of the fact that the current president will simply let your portrait burn, unlike your excellency over here?

@NOTROTUND 

Also, did you really ponder how the whisky tax will affect the country?

@YesILoveFranceDealWithIt

Did you ponder how appointing @IHaveAMusicalAndYouDont would change the economy and his scandal?

@FatherofYOURCountry

DO WHAT I SAY, NOT AS I DO.

~~~

@IHaveAMusicalAndYouDont

Sometimes I wonder how @NotMadJustDisappointed gets by being so short…

@NotMadJustDisappointed

I AM ONLY 2.5 INCHES SHORTER THAN YOU  

@NOTROTUND

Do you think he bends like a stalk of wheat when a breeze hits him?

@NotMadJustDisappointed

ADAMS I AM THREE INCHES SHORTER THAN YOU STOP IT

@FatherOfYOURCountry

If I accidentally bump into him during a cabinet meeting, will I crush him?

@NotMadJustDisappointed

GUYS I AM NOT MADE OF HAY I AM IN BETTER HEALTH THAN SOME OF YOU

@YesILoveFranceDealWithIt

Not when you edited those letters and forged my handwriting though? 

@NotMadJustDisappointed has gone offline

@IDontHaveDaddyIssues

Okay maybe you guys should chill out and stop bullying your peers

~~~

1844 Election Chat

@IDontHaveDaddyIssues

@5440ORFIGHT is literally a racist, why is he even on the ballot? 

@IWillSecedeYourHeadFromYourBody 

Hey, he’s just carrying the good-ol’ American agenda! Racism is part of the voting process, why disturb it?

@BetterCompromiserThanYou

How about let’s compromise? Vote for me and you get an in-between racist, no annexed Texas or Mexico, and happiness for everybody!

@HealedANationButNotMyself

Are you aware that this election decision literally lead to a war 

@IDontHaveDaddyIssues

I’m pretty sure that’s what he wants…?

Chapter Text

@SlvryPositiveGood

We must protest unconstitutional laws and bring our country to equality by seceding from this nation!

@NotAnAccident 

Yeah!

@UnconditionallySurrenderToMe

Do you hear yourself my good dude

@MakeTheSouthScorchedEarthAgain

I’m going to protest unconstitutional laws by burning your cities to the ground. Peace out!

~~~

@IDontHaveDaddyIssues

Hanging out with you guys makes me lose brain cells…

@FatherOfYOURCountry

You’re only saying this because I never attended college unlike you privileged people 

@IDontHaveDaddyIssues

No no Mr. Washington, it’s not you! It’s @IWillSecedeYourHeadFromYourBody

@IWillSecedeYourHeadFromYourBody

Let me tell you, folks, there's a lot of noise out there. 

The establishment, they don't like it when we challenge the status quo.

They want things to stay the same, they want to keep their power. 

But we are shaking things up, making America great again. 

We're not going to let anyone, especially the establishment, tell us what to do. 

We're winning, and that's what matters!

@YesILoveFranceDealWithIt

See why I dislike him?

@OrangeManJacksonFan12

Good job! Proud of you!

@FatherOfYOURCountry

Please kill me.

Chapter Text

1950s (Zoom): 

@STORMThurmond

Democrats, and all those with a brain, assemble! My fellow senators and representatives have drafted the ‘Declaration of Constitutional Principles’, and we’re only waiting for you all to sign it!

@JumboNeverLies 

I didn’t sign it, nor did @About2beRealGOREy’s father, but pop off I guess. 

@STORMThurmond

Selfish. You really want to become president, huh? Grow a spine. You’ll never get enough votes if you don’t sign this.

Sign it. You will all become as famous as the signers of the Declaration of Independence.

@JumboNeverLies

Hindsight’s 50/50, but pop off I guess.

@STORMThurmond

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH WITH YOU SPEAKING LIKE THAT YOU curse word blocked by chat filter

curse word blocked by chat filter

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@SenateWhip

Alright. If you say so, the session is adjourned. 

~

@STORMThurmond

So before you all log off, I want to talk about the proposed Civil Rights Act.

This act is unconstitutional, illogical, and just overall terrible

We will be promising a ‘massive resistance’ to this act. Oh and by the way, we’re not racist, we just want to preserve our way of life. Our way of life being the systemic exploitation and othering of black people and people of color, but our constitution was literally built on that, so who cares?

[somehow, he writes an entire epic. Congress stays glued to the screen for 24 hours and 18 minutes, from 8:54 p.m to 9:12 p.m. the following day.]

And finally, I would like to talk a little about a certain war, in relation to the topic of the day, state’s rights - 

@HealedANationButNotMyself

State’s rights to do… what?

@UnconditionallySurrenderToMe

Uh… let me guess… maybe this thing called SLAVERY???

@IDontHaveDaddyIssues

You’re fooling absolutely nobody, besides maybe @SlvryPositiveGood and @NOTFOUNDINCRINOLINE. Thankfully they aren’t here; they’re refusing to use Zoom because it was created by a person of color. 

I don’t have the elegant rebuttal you are probably looking for, as you fried my brain with your absolute lack of critical thinking skills. 

Just so you know: 17 states outright banned segregation, 10 have no laws against it, and 4 only have limited pro-segregation laws. You are the exception, not the rule.

@STORMThurmond

curse word blocked by filter

curse word blocked by filter

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Co-Host has disabled chat filter

OH MOTHERFUCKERS YOU ALL THINK YOU’RE SMARTER THAN ME HUH

WELL, IN YOUR WORDS, “THIS IS DISCRIMINATION”. WE’RE BEING REPLACED, BITCH!

Host has enabled chat filter

IF THIS WAS IN PERSON I WOULD curse word blocked by filter

IM GOING TO KILL YOU GUYS AND THIS STUPID FILTER

@CanedButNotAfraid

Wow, you don’t like facts, huh.

@STORMThurmond

SUMNER YOU SHOULD GET CANED AGAIN. WHERE THE HECK IS BROOKS? 

THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN. 

PERHAPS THIS TIME YOU’LL ACTUALLY LEARN YOUR LESSON curse word blocked by filter

@SenateWhip

We’re temporarily closing the main room due to a rise in aggressive behavior. @STORMThurmond, take a sip of water, use the bathroom and call your mother, please. @CanedButNotAfraid, you are up for censure if you continue this. @WashingtonTech, enhance the chat filter please, and make sure people can’t self-censor to get away with swearing.

We’re putting everyone in breakout rooms aligned by party affiliation. Certain people will be allowed to hop rooms; others will not be. We will vote on this act in two hours.

~

(Retired) Republican Room:

John Q. Adams (@IDontHaveDaddyIssues) has joined the breakout room

@IDontHaveDaddyIssues

The Democrat-Republican chat was a little feisty, so I came here instead.

Don’t you think it’s just a little unfair that the Whip closed our discussion after like 5 minutes but @5440ORFIGHT gets the the floor for an hour every single time he opens that mouth of his

@HealedANationButNotMyself

I think the Whip closed the chat so that Thurmond’s royal tantrum wouldn’t turn into something the media could exploit as much

Also so that he doesn’t send a bomb or something to our location

@CanedButNotAfraid

IS THE WHIP STUPID? WHY AM I UP FOR CENSURE?

@HealedANationButNotMyself

Oh yeah, and that. 

@CanedButNotAfraid

HE WAS THE ONE SWEARING HIS GUTS OUT AND SOMEHOW I AM UP FOR CENSURE? WHAT IN THE RACISM IS THIS?

@UnconditionallySurrenderToMe 

Sumner. You will be fine. 

@CanedButNotAfraid

AND YOU ARE THE ONE SAYING THIS TO ME??? WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME YOU TRIED TO ANNEX THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC?? YOU STILL HAVEN’T APOLOGIZED!

@UnconditionallySurrenderToMe 

Truly, that was my bad. Now please. Stop throwing a tantrum. We get it, Thurmond’s being a little crazy with the swearing. Now that I think about it, he probably threw in a few racial slurs too. It pisses us off as much as you.

You don’t need to be as bad as he is. Remember Crime Against Kansas?

@CanedButNotAfraid

A LITTLE? I SPENT FOUR YEARS RECOVERING IN EUROPE JUST TO BE FACED WITH A STUPID CENSURE AGAIN. WHAT IN THE WORLD?

Abraham Lincoln has asked the host for help

Message: Whip, please come to the Republican breakout room. Thank you. 

@HealedANationButNotMyself

I would take Grant’s advice. 

Also, it’s been almost 180 years, you can deal with it. 

@SenateWhip

@CanedButNotAfraid, you are getting yourself deeper and deeper into the censure hole, huh?

Stop with the aggression, or your privilege to watch and comment on Senate sessions will be taken away.

@CanedButNotAfraid has left the meeting

@HealedANationButNotMyself 

Phew…

~

Two hours later

@JumboNeverLies*

All those for the bill?

60 hands raise

@JumboNeverLies

And those against?

15 hands raise

@JumboNeverLies

The act passes!

Now time for the president to sign it….

@EverybodyLikesIke 

sends a copy of his e-signature  

@STORMThurmond

curse word blocked by chat filter

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@JumboNeverLies

Session not adjourned, actually. I’m sending a copy of his crashout to everyone. Point and laugh.

<sent a file in the chat>

Now the session is adjourned.

~

1964

(Retired) Room:

The host has approved a meeting-wide announcement.

@STORMThurmond

I am officially announcing that I will be switching my party affiliation from the Democratic Party to the Republican Party. I believe this decision better aligns with my America-First values and encourages the development of systems that will benefit my people. I will continue to work hard representing my state and my people in congress.

@UnconditionallySurrenderToMe

Can I actually jump off a roof?

@CanedButNotAfraid

I’ll get ropes for us!

@OneVoteShort

Maybe some laudanum?

@IKnowALector

A gun to the head might be little easier guys

@ChasingSalmon

No, a river may be better suited for the task…

@HealedANationButNotMyself

Guys. Please do not do ANYTHING dangerous. Especially you, Grant, do you think no one knows about the six-pack of beer you hid in the back of the communal fridge?

This man is not worth dying (again) for.

@UnconditionallySurrenderToMe

That was @ItWontGiveMeMySonBack, not me, President Lincoln!

@ItWontGiveMeMySonBack

Werh uulidgjkn iuorpidfx;jlkhrwelilfjkbh ewisldfomgjkdf lgil;kewsldo

@BirthedANation

We lost one of God’s greatest soldiers :((((

He joined @DONOTCALLMETEDDY’s wretched party :(

@DONOTCALLMETEDDY

Bold of you to assume we claim him

@BirthedANation

I just want a safe space for people like me, man :((((( 

I wish people weren’t so discriminatory 

I also wish I didn’t have to pay my house servants

@DONOTCALLMETEDDY

Fuck you, Woodrow Wilson. 

@BirthedANation

Oh, we’re really going there, huh?

I’m playing Birth of a Nation again at the White House this Saturday, I think @OrangeManJacksonFan12 will love it! I’m inviting everyone besides @OopsSorryWilson. @UnconditionallySurrenderToMe, you better come!

@OrangeManJacksonFan12 

Let me tell you, folks, "Birth of a Nation" is a tremendous film. 

Absolutely fantastic. 

People have been saying a lot of things, but we can't let the liberals twist the narrative. 

They're always trying to dig up stuff and make it about racism or whatever. 

But the truth is, it tells a story, a story that was important in its time. 

Believe me, it's all about perspective. You have to look at the context.

@UnconditionallySurrenderToMe

Never mind, gun to my head straight away

@HealedANationButNotMyself

I… I don’t even know what to say.

Chapter Text

Somewhere, in the signal group chat…

@IDidNotDoThatToACouch

I just don’t want to bail Europe out again

They’re honestly terrible allies

@SecOfDef 

Take your mind off of it by bombing Yemen 

It’s worked every time so far

@IDidNotDoThatToACouch

Great idea! Now where exactly…

@SecOfState

Just pick a place with the most innocent civilians. That way you’re bound to destress yourself, and distress everyone else!

@InvitedToGroupChat has invited 45 former presidents, a bunch of senators, and even more historical figures to the group chat

@CantWalkYetIDoMoreThanYou 

What the fuck

And you can’t even pretend to be allies man…

@BirthedANation 

I could keep my stroke hidden from the nation but you guys can’t even hide your war plans??

@CanedButNotAfraid

Hey so I thought we were supposed to care about people… even people in other countries…

@EverybodyLikesIke

Good to see the military-industrial complex working its wonders for everyone yet again…

@YesILoveFranceDealWithIt

Guys I thought we had divested away from a standing army and military. What did I tell you all?

@IDidNotDoThatToACouch

This is woke liberal nonsense. These presidents should be supporting me, not going against me!

@UnconditionallySurrenderToMe

And you, my friend, think civil rights are ‘woke liberal nonsense’. Go back to the kids’ table.