Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Liu Feng: There’s a thin line between being a genius and being an idiot. Yanqing uses that line like a fucking jump rope. 

-------------------

Bronya: Nothing in life is free. 
Pela: Love is free! 
Serval: Adventure is free. 
Gepard: Knowledge is free. 
Sampo: Everything is free if you take it without paying. 

Gepard: The fuck are you doing here. 

Sampo: 😊 

-------------------

Himeko: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything? 
Caelus: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies 
March 7th: Socks are Feetie Heaties 
Stelle: Forks are Stabby Grabbies 
Caelus: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties 
March 7th: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies 
Stelle: Stamps are Lickie Stickies 
Pom Pom, annoyed: You are disappointments 

-------------------

Fu Xuan: “Oh yOu’Re sO aDdIcTeD t0 sUgAr, yOu NeEd tO StOp” ... Are flowers addicted to the sun? THIS IS MY FUEL! 

-------------------

Moze: Am I boring? Sure. 

Moze: Social Skills? None. 

Moze: But I am loyal if you feed me, and I will never leave you because well I need food. 

Feixiao: .__. 

Jiaoqiu: Have some hotpot, dear. 

-------------------

Yunli: So, you do everything General Jing Yuan tells you to do? What if he jumps off a cliff and tells you to follow him? 

Yanqing: If the General were to jump off a cliff, he would’ve done his due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, his terminal velocity, and the impact of his landing. So, yes. If you see the General jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff. 

Yunli: You jump off a cliff then! 

Yanqing: Gladly! Provided the General did it first! 

Yunli: *glares* 

-------------------

Bailu: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life 
Yanqing: Self-esteem, haven't seen you in years! 
Jing Yuan: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this! 
Xue Miao: I knew I lost that potential somewhere! 
Liu Feng: My moral code, is that you? 
Bailu: 
Bailu: I was just gonna show you this cool box I found but are you guys ok? 

-------------------

Lingsha: Isn’t it weird that people pay money to see other people? 

Jing Yuan: Plane tickets? 

Fu Xuan: Movie tickets? 

Yukong: Theatre tickets? 

Lingsha: I was talking about glasses 

-------------------

After Xianzhou Trailblaze Mission: 

Caelus: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff. 
Dan Heng: I witnessed the dumb stuff. 
March 7th: I recorded the dumb stuff. 
Stelle: I joined in on the dumb stuff. 
Welt Yang: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!!! 

-------------------

Store Worker: Would Ms. Himeko please come to the front desk? 
Himeko, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem? 
Store Worker: points to Caelus and Stelle 
Store Worker: I believe they belong to you? 
Caelus and Stelle, simultaneously: We got lost :( 
Himeko: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me- 

-------------------

*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker* 
Jing Yuan: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know. 
Everyone: 
Yukong: ...I did. I broke it. 
Jing Yuan: No. No, you didn't. Yanqing? 
Yanqing: Don't look at me. Look at Fu Xuan. 
Fu Xuan: What?! I didn't break it. 
Yanqing: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken? 
Fu Xuan: Because it's sitting right in front of us, and it's broken. 
Yanqing: Suspicious. 
Fu Xuan: No, it's not! 
Liu Feng: If it matters, probably not, but Lingsha was the last one to use it. 
Lingsha: Liar! I don't even drink that crap! 
Liu Feng: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier? 
Lingsha: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Liu Feng! 
Yukong: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, General. 
Jing Yuan: No! Who broke it!? 
Everyone: 
Yanqing: General... Xue Miao's been awfully quiet. 
Xue Miao: rEALLY?! 
*Everyone starts arguing* 
Jing Yuan, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand, so I punched it. 
Jing Yuan: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. 
Jing Yuan: 
Jing Yuan: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here. 

-------------------

After 2.5, Yaoqing Trio trying to leave Alchemy Commission against doctor’s orders:  

Moze: We need to distract these guys 
Jiaoqiu: Leave it to me 
Jiaoqiu: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss. 
Liu Feng, Bailu, and Lingsha: *Immediately begin arguing* 
Feixiao, watching in horror: Oh this. I don’t like this. I don't like this at all. 

-------------------

Topaz: Ooh, somebody has a crush 
Aventurine: Pfft, I don’t have a crush on Veritas I just think he’s cool, it’s not like I stay up at night thinking about him. 
*Later that night* 
Aventurine, very much awake: Uh oh. 

-------------------

Agni: Dumbest scar stories, go! 
Kafka: I burned my tongue once drinking tea. 
Firefly: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it. 
Silver Wolf: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade. 
Agni: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand, and I got a really bad burn. 
Blade: 
Blade: I have emotional (and physical) scars. 

-------------------

Natasha: Just be yourself. 
Sampo: 'Be myself'? Natasha, I have one day to win Captain Gepard over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me? 
Hook: Couple weeks. 
Luka: Six months. 
Seele: Jury’s still out. 
Sampo: See, Nat? 
Sampo: 'Be myself'. What kind of garbage advice is that? 

-------------------

Kafka: Time for plan G. 
Firefly: Don’t you mean plan B? 
Kafka: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties. 
Silver Wolf: What about plan D? 
Kafka: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago. 
Agni: What about plan E? 
Kafka: I’m hoping not to use it. Blade “dies” in plan E. 
Blade: I like plan E. 

-------------------

Jiaoqiu: How is the most beautiful person in the world? 
Moze: *flustered* I— 
Feixiao, butting into the conversation: Yukong is perfect, thanks for asking. 

-------------------

Fu Xuan: *Posts a super low-quality image to the Important Luofu ppl group chat* 
Yanqing: If I had a strale for every pixel in this image, I’d have 15 strales 
Liu Feng: If I had a strale for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you 
Yukong: Actually I did the math, Yanqing would have 225 strales, not 15 strales. 
Yanqing: Fam I’m right here.... 
Bailu: If I had a strale, I would buy Berrypheasent Skewers  :) 
Liu Feng: while you’re there could you buy me Steamed Puffergoat Milk please? 
Bailu: Sorry I only have a strale 
Liu Feng: :( 
Lingsha: Hey I just realized Madam Yukong’s math is right, but Yanqing would have 22,500 strales because it's a strale for every pixel 
Bailu: If I had 22,500 strales I would buy Berrypheasent Skewers and Steamed Puffergoat Milk 
Jing Yuan: You can buy anything you want with $22,500 
Xue Miao: Yeah and she wants Berrypheasent Skewers and Steamed Puffergoat Milk 
Yukong: Steamed Puffergoat Milk to what 
Fu Xuan: Directly to the forehead 
Jing Yuan: Great chat everyone 

-------------------

Elio: If you got arrested what would be the charges? 
Silver Wolf: Theft. 
Agni: Disturbing the peace. 
Blade: Aggravated assault. 
Firefly: Arson. 
Kafka: All of the above. In that order. 

-------------------

Argenti: What do you think Boothill will do for a distraction? 
Rappa: He'll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That's what I would do. 
*Building explodes and several car alarms go off* 
Rappa: ...or he could do that. 

-------------------

Serval: Last night I found out Lynx is a sleep talker. 
Gepard: Oh, really? 
Serval: "The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell." Right. In. My. Ear. At 3am. 

-------------------

Jiaoqiu: How would you like your pancakes? 
Moze: Plain. 
Yanqing: With sprinkles! 
Liu Feng: Chocolate chips. 
Feixiao: Potatoes. 
*Moze, Yanqing, and Liu Feng look at Feixiao* 
Feixiao: What? They're good.

Chapter Text

Herta: Hey, quick question. How petty am I allowed to be? 

-------------------

*Everyone is giving advice to Sushang* 
Yunli: It's okay to ask for help. 
Yanqing: You're not a burden. 
Liu Feng: Murder is okay. 
Jing Yuan: Your feelings matter. 

-------------------

IPC worker: What do rainbows mean to you? 
Adventurine: Gay rights. 
Jade: There's money. 
Topaz: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood. 
Dr. Ratio: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops. 

-------------------

Himeko: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast? 
March 7th: Several traffic violations. 
Stelle: Three counts of resisting arrest. 
Caelus: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks. 
Dan Heng: Also, that’s not our car. 

-------------------

Herta: *cocks gun* Go to Bed. This is no longer a request; this is now a Threat. 

-------------------

Moze: Our relationship is strictly professional. 
Jiaoqiu, sitting on Moze’s lap: Absolutely. Only on business. 

-------------------

Sparkle: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Sparkle lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down! 

-------------------

Qingque: I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, and you're forced to go to school and get a job. What if I wanted to be a gambler? No one ever asked me if I wanted to be a gambler! 

-------------------

Gallagher: I didn’t even realize how sarcastic I was being. It’s starting to become a problem, I think. 

-------------------

Yanqing: Would you take a bullet for me? 
Jing Yuan: ...yes? 
*Liu Feng angrily bursts into the room drenched in water* 
Yanqing: *running away* Great, thanks! 

-------------------

Tingyun: I love the term 'partners'. Are we dating? Are we sharing a business? Are we the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies and are members of an elite squad known as the special victim's unit? Who knows. 

-------------------

Blade: I am free from all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. 

-------------------

Dan Heng: I was put on this earth to do one thing. 
Dan Heng: Luckily, I forgot what it was so I can do whatever I want. 

-------------------

Liu Feng: Is something burning? 
Jiaoqiu, leaning on the counter: Just my desire for you. 
Liu Feng: Jiao, the toaster is literally on fire. 

-------------------

Hook: You’re giving me a sticker? 
Natasha: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying “me-wow!” 
Hook: I am Pitch Dark Hook the Great! I’m not a preschooler and cannot be swayed by a sticker from the old witch! 
Natasha: Fine, I’ll take it back- 
Hook: I earned this, back off! 

-------------------

Liu Feng: I keep a picture of Yanqing and Xue Miao in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture. 
Jing Yuan: Awwww- 
Liu Feng: And I tell myself "If I can deal with these idiots, then I can deal with anything." 
Jing Yuan: Oh. 

Yanqing: Bitch- 

-------------------

Herta: Ah ready for another fantastic day of being better than everyone else. 

-------------------

Robin: Brother, you need to react when people cry! 
Sunday: I did. I rolled my eyes. 

Chapter Text

Yanqing: We need to open this locked door. General, give me your credit card. 
Jing Yuan: Here. 
Yanqing, pocketing it: Thanks. Liu Feng, break down the door. 

-------------------

Liu Feng: I like to play this game called nap roulette. I take a nap and don’t set an alarm. Will it be 20 min or 4 hours? Nobody knows. It’s risky and I like it.  

-------------------

Blade: *casually taking four stairs at a time* 
Silver Wolf, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time: Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu- 

-------------------

Boothill: You disgust me. 
Rappa: *eating a kitkat sideways* I realize this and don’t care. 

-------------------

Liu Feng: I would do anything to destroy the Disciples of Sanctus Medicus. 
*later* 
Liu Feng, covered in blood: THE STATEMENT STILL STANDS! 

-------------------

Welt: If you took a shot for every time you made an unwise decision, how drunk would you be? 
Himeko: Maybe a bit tipsy? 
Dan Heng: Drunk. 
March 7th: Wasted. 
Caelus and Stelle: Dead. 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: We call that a traumatic experience. 
Jing Yuan, turning to Liu Feng: Not a "bruh moment". 
Jing Yuan, turning to Xue Miao: Not "sadge". 
Jing Yuan, turning to Yanqing: And DEFINITELY not an "oof LMAO". 

-------------------

Boothill: We either die free or die trying! 
Robin: Are those the only choices? 

-------------------

Sushang: You don't know anything about me! 
Jiaoqiu: I know EVERYTHING about you! You are an open book written for very dumb children! 

-------------------

Huohuo: So, when are we gonna tell them? 
Guinaifen: Just give her a minute. 
Sushang: *Pulling on a door that clearly says push. * 

-------------------

Sampo: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. 
Luka: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. 
Seele: A realist sees a freight train. 
Natasha: The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks. 

-------------------

Bailu: Truth or dare? 
Liu Feng: Truth. 
Bailu: How many hours have you slept this week? 
Liu Feng: 
Liu Feng: Dare. 
Bailu: Go to sleep! 
Liu Feng: I don't like this game. 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: Luocha is playing hard to get. 
Jing Yuan: Little does he know; I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of. 

-------------------

Luocha: You look mentally ill. 
Jingliu: I am. Let’s go. 

-------------------

Kafka: Don't worry, I've got a few knives up my sleeve. 
Agni: I think you mean cards. 
Kafka, pulling out knives: I did not. 

-------------------

Caelus: Don’t mansplain this to me! 
Stelle: Wh- I’m a woman! I can't mansplain anything to you! 
Caelus: …Well, I’m a feminist, and I believe a woman can do anything a man does! 

-------------------

Misha: Mr Gallagher, is that legal? 
Gallagher: When there's no cops around, anything's legal! 

-------------------

Huohuo: So, what do you have planned for the future? 
Sushang: Lunch. 
Huohuo: No, like long term. 
Sushang: Oh...um, dinner? 

-------------------

Liu Feng: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!  

Xue Miao: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD  

Liu Feng: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING YANQING WITH ME  

Jing Yuan, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.  

-------------------

Himeko: How do Caelus and Stelle usually get out of these messes? 
Welt Yang: They don't. They just make a bigger mess that cancels the first one out. 

-------------------

Feixiao: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.  

Jiaoqiu: Feixiao no.  

Moze: Mistlefoe.  

Jiaoqiu: Please stop encouraging her.  

------------------- 

Argenti: Boothill is a perfect cinnamon scone who’s never done anything wrong in his entire life!  

Rappa: Never done anything wrong?! He set a city block on FIRE!  

-------------------

Sampo: Guys, I have a question.  

Seele: kys <3  

Sampo: I love you too.  

Natasha: Ah, yes. Siblings.  

-------------------

Silver Wolf: Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?  

Kafka: *crouches down*  

Blade: *kneels down*  

Firefly, in SAM form: *sits on the floor*  

Silver Wolf:  

Silver Wolf: I hate all of you.

Chapter Text

Lingsha: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity?  

Liu Feng: *turning to Phantylia* How tall are you?  

-------------------

Xue Miao: If Yanqing and I were drowning, who would you save?  

Liu Feng: But can’t you both swim?  

Yanqing: It’s a hypothetical question, Liu Feng! Who would you save?  

Liu Feng: my time and effort.  

-------------------

Cloud Knight: *Trying to fill out legal paperwork stuff* Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB?  

Yanqing: Bold of you to assume I was born at all.  

Liu Feng: I personally was created in a lab (not actually joking).  

Xue Miao: I just straight up spawned lol.  

-------------------

Seele: He died of natural causes.  

Natasha: You pushed Sampo down the stairs.  

Seele: Gravity is natural.  

-------------------

Hook: I came out to attack people and I'm honestly having such a fun time rn.  

-------------------

Robin: what do y'all have planned for valentines?? <3  

Aventurine: manslaughter >:3  

Sparkle: that's the stuff  

-------------------

Tingyun: And what do we say when someone refuses your offer? 
Yanqing: Suck it, boomer! 
Tingyun: I don't know who or what "Boomer" is, but no. 

-------------------

Caelus: If I say I love you, will you say it back? 
Dan Heng: Yes. 
Caelus: I love you. 
Dan Heng: It back. 
*Later* 
March 7th: Why is Caelus crying face-down on the floor? 

-------------------

Hanya: It's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli. 
Huohuo, eyes wide: I know what I saw. 

-------------------

Gallagher: *mixing different alcoholic beverages together* 
Misha: What are you making? 
Gallagher: A mistake. 

-------------------

Sampo: So, I have made the decision to trust you. 
Sparkle: A horrible decision, really. 

-------------------

Luocha: Look at me straight in the eyes and tell me the truth, Jing Yuan! 
Jing Yuan: You can’t expect me to look into your eyes and be straight. 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: Just be yourself. Say something nice. 
Liu Feng: Which one? I can't do both. 

-------------------

Natasha:    

Clara: Hewwo!  

Hook: Hihiiiiii!  

Seele: Greetings, humans...  

Natasha: Three kinds of people.  

Luka: I want sausages.  

Natasha: Four kinds of people.  

Sampo: WHATS UP FUCKERS!??  

Natasha: ... Five kinds of people.  

-------------------

Yanqing: Anyways, that’s my plan!  

Liu Feng: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don't want to sound mean.  

Yanqing: No, go ahead, I want to hear it.  

Liu Feng: It fucking sucks.  

-------------------

Seele: Good morning. As you begin your day, remember that violence is always an option and often the answer. 
Bronya: 
Seele: 
Bronya: ...Please, go back to bed. 

-------------------

Aventurine: I'm going to take a shower; I'll be right back. 
Ratio: Why are you telling me this, I don't care. 
Ratio, right after Adventurine leaves the room: I miss them already. 

-------------------

March 7th: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.  

-------------------

Blade: The real treasure was the memories we made along the way. 
Agni: You almost died. 
Blade: That... was my favorite memory. 

-------------------

*During a game of Hangman* 
Dan Heng: Nope, there’s no Q. You lose. 
March 7th: Are you kidding me?! You can still add something! 
Dan Heng: I already added a belt, four earrings and an extra arm! YOU LOSE! 

-------------------

Feixiao: God has let me live another day and I'm going to make it everyone's problem.  

-------------------

Xue Miao: I haven’t slept in 72 hours… 
Yanqing: I haven’t slept in 80. I’m the insomnia king! 
Liu Feng: Ha! I haven’t slept in 90 hours; I’m aiming for an even 100. 
Lingsha, sick and tired of them: What the fuck is wrong with you people. 

-------------------

Silver Wolf: I know this isn’t going to end well and I don’t care. So don’t you try and stop me, Kafka! 
Kafka: I wasn’t stopping you. I was asking if you had a spare camera so I can record this. 

-------------------

Natasha: You need a hobby. 
Seele: I have a hobby! 
Natasha: Hitting Sampo isn't a hobby.

Chapter Text

Bailu: Of course I have a lot of pent-up rage, you fool! I've been the same height since I was twelve!  

-------------------

Robin: I regret nothing!!! 
Sunday: I regret everything!!! 

-------------------

Yanqing, trying their first ever cup of coffee: I am ENERGY! 
Liu Feng, an avid coffee drinker, on their twelfth cup of the day: Someone slap me awake or I am literally going to fall into a coma in ten seconds. 

-------------------

Asta: How petty can you get? 
Herta: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about. 

-------------------

THE Herta: Here is my wall of inspirational people. 
Ruan Mei: Is that a picture of you? 
THE Herta: Yes, I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself. 

-------------------

Blade, getting dressed for a formal event: Hey, do you think I can hang myself with this tie? 
Agni: Oh-ho-ho, no! You are NOT getting out of this the easy way! 

-------------------

Liu Feng: I’d kill someone if you asked me to. 
Jing Yuan: I’m pretty sure you’d kill someone even if I didn’t ask you to. 

-------------------

*Comments under an image of a really hot knife cutting bread* 
Moze: Imagine stabbing someone with this knife. 
Moze: It would instantly cauterize the wound, so the person wouldn't bleed, so it's not very useful. 
Feixiao: if you want information, it is 
Jiaoqiu: why would you STAB a person when you can have TOAST? 

-------------------

Liu Feng, passing their phone to Ju Feng: I'm passing the phone to someone, who if I had to choose between hanging out with them, and having my organs removed one by one, I’d choose the organs. 
Ju Feng, passing the phone back to Liu Feng: I'm passing the phone to my best friend! 

-------------------

Arlan: Everything will be ok. You cannot stop it. 
Arlan: Everything will be fine. You have no choice. 
Asta: What the fuck kind of pep talk is that? 
Arlan: Ominous positivity. 

-------------------

Liu Feng: You’re my best friend; I would do anything for you. 
Bailu: I want you to eat 3 meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule. 
Liu Feng: Absolutely not. 

-------------------

Aventurine: “Ladies and gentlemen” is unnecessarily gendered, overly formal, lengthy, and honestly, I’m falling asleep already. “Cowards” on the other hand, is inclusive to all genders, to the point, and dramatic.  

-------------------

Herta: Do you ever feel like exploding? Have you experienced the urge to enter the process of combustion? Has your mind created a logical idea, known as thought, to disperse your body into thousands of particles suddenly? 
THE Herta: It’s 3 am, please go back to sleep. 

-------------------

Welt Yang: *fills up bottle and drinks from that* 
Dan Heng: *brought 4 bottles of water so this wouldn’t happen* 
March 7th: *drinks straight from the tap* 
Sunday: *dehydrates* 
Caelus and Stelle: *drinks from the puddle of water on the floor* 
Himeko: *Dinks coffee, has almost zero need for water* 

-------------------

Yanqing: Jail is no fun. I’ll tell you that much. 
Yunli: Oh, you’ve been? 
Yanqing: Once. In Monopoly. 

-------------------

Dan Heng: I am convinced Caelus and Stelle share a brain cell. 
Sunday: And it's not in use very often, it seems. 

-------------------

Boothill: Who the fuck- 
Argenti: Language! 
Boothill: Whom the fuck- 
Argenti: No. 

-------------------

Liu Feng, lying in bed: Get out of my room. 
Yanqing, standing just outside of the door frame: I’m not in your room. 

-------------------

Ju Feng: What does “take out” mean? 
Yanqing: Food. 
Jing Yuan: Dating. 
Xue Miao: Murder. 
Liu Feng, half asleep: It can be all three if you’re brave enough. 

-------------------

Caelus: I will send our army to attack! 
Stelle: *releases a dumpster of raccoons* 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: I love cooking breakfast. It makes the whole house smell like bacon. 
Luocha: That’s true, but it also smells like fire and panic. 
Jing Yuan: You and the smoke detector need to get off my case. 

-------------------

Jiaoqiu: Are you mad? 
Moze: No. 
Jiaoqiu: So, sharpening your knives at 3 in the morning is just a hobby? 

-------------------

Bailu: How the hell are you still alive? 
Liu Feng: Honestly, I am just as confused as you are

Chapter Text

Blade, to Dan Heng: All right, let’s tell each other a secret about ourselves. I’m going to go first– I hate you.  

-------------------

Jing Yuan: There are 5 children and 3 chairs. What do you do? 
Yukong: Get two more chairs! 
Fu Xuan: They can get their own chairs. 
Yanqing: Make them fight for it. 
Xue Miao: You only need one chair to beat them all with. 
Liu Feng: I would never be near children. 
Ju Feng: Kill two. 

-------------------

Sampo: Let's bury the hatchet, Seele. 
Seele: I won't be burying any hatchet unless I get a clear shot at your groin! 

-------------------

Aglaea: Do you take constructive criticism? 
Phainon: No, only cash or credit. 

-------------------

Topaz: If we lose, you’re out of the will. 
Aventurine: I was in the will? 

-------------------

Tribbie: What, I can’t be in a bad mood? It’s like people think, “Oh, Tribbie is such a nice person, Tribbie is so happy-go-lucky! Person B can’t be in a bad mood!” Well, you know what? Tribbie CAN be in a bad mood. And right now, Tribbie IS in a bad mood.  

-------------------

Phainon: *kisses Mydei* 
Mydei: ! 
Phainon: ...Did you steal my chapstick? 
Mydei: Did- did I what? 
Phainon: My chapstick, Mydei. Did you steal it? 
Castorice: Phainon, for the love of God, not this again. 
Mydei: I- No, I didn't steal your chapstick. We use the same chapstick. 
Phainon: No, there is absolutely no way we use the same chapstick, because it was only sold in one shop two years ago and they discontinued it, and I loved it so much that I bought the last of their stock, and I keep it in my freezer so it doesn't go bad. It's been discontinued for three years. No one uses the same chapstick for three years. So, unless you've been eating a whole fuck ton of something that's flavored like chocolate and popcorn, you absolutely stole my fucking chapstick. 
Mydei: Chocolate and popcorn? 
Castorice: Why do you think it got discontinued? 

-------------------

March 7th: How long do you reckon it’ll be until Caelus and Stelle finally snap and commit murder? 
Dan Heng: I’ve been going through life assuming it’s already happened at some point and it’s just that no one was ever able to trace it back to them. 

-------------------

Luka: Small creatures are much more vicious because they have a smaller body to bottle up all their emotions. 
Sampo: Ridiculous. Give me some examples. 
Seele: Wasps? 
Natasha: Chihuahuas? 
Luka: Hook. 

-------------------

Yanqing: Guys it’s a shooting star, let’s make a wish! 
Liu Feng: I wish for good grades. 
Xue Miao: Nerd. 
Liu Feng: Nevermind, I wish upon the shooting star to fall down at a 30° velocity aiming for Xue Miao. :) 
Yanqing: Liu Feng… 

Jing Yuan: Why tf are you all awake at this hour?  

-------------------

Jiaoqiu: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response. 
Liu Feng: Wow. They sound stupid. 
Jiaoqiu: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense. 
Liu Feng: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!” 
Jiaoqiu: I guess you’re right. Hey Liu Feng, I love you. 
Liu Feng: See! Just say that! 
Jiaoqiu: Holy fucking shit. 
Liu Feng: If that flies over their head then, sorry Jiaoqiu, but they're too dumb for you. 
Jiaoqiu: Liu Feng. 

-------------------

Yukong: Why are you late? 
Jing Yuan: A technical error occurred, causing an unexpectedly long bout of unconsciousness. 
Yukong: Overslept? 
Jing Yuan: Overslept. 

-------------------

Bailu: What’s the dumbest thing you believed as a child? 
Liu Feng: That naptime was a punishment. 

-------------------

Caelus: Can you pass the salt?  

Stelle: Can you pass away?  

Caelus: Too much salt.  

-------------------

Moze: General... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor? 
Feixiao: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned. 
Moze: 
Moze: I wrote sanitize, General. 

-------------------

Aventurine: I’ve been described as a ‘heartless villain’ and a 'little shit’, but I prefer… 'has alternative ways of having fun’.  

-------------------

Misha: Good morning! 
Gallagher: Bold statement. 

-------------------

Pela, as a child, reading their school assignment out loud: I love my library because... 
Pela, mouthing words while writing: I love reading, fuck you. 

-------------------

Sunday: Hey, thanks for checking in, I’m ✨still a piece of garbage✨  

-------------------

Rappa: Get in, loser, we’re committing vehicular manslaughter!  

-------------------

Seele, pointing to several Silvermane Guards: Distract them! I'll be right back! *leaves* 
Sampo: Okay! 
*Five minutes later* 
Seele: *returns and sees the Silvermane Guards unconscious on the ground* What did you do? I said distract them, not knock them out! 
Sampo: There's just no pleasing you sometimes. 

-------------------

Firefly: It's not like I try to blow things up, exactly. It just sort of happens. You've got to admit though, fire is fascinating.  

-------------------

March 7th: honk. 
Dan Heng: WHAT. 
March 7th: HONK. 
Dan Heng: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT????? 

-------------------

Feixiao & Moze: *Playing video games* 
Jiaoqiu: You guys woke up at 5:30 in the morning just to play games? 
Feixiao: *silence* 
Moze: *silence* 
Jiaoqiu, finally figuring it out: ...You two never went to sleep, did you? 
Feixiao & Moze in shame: Yeah... 

Chapter Text

Topaz: What do we say when life disappoints us? 
Aventurine: Called it! 
Jade: No. 

-------------------

Feixiao: If we don’t get out of this alive… If we’re both about to die… I love you, Yukong! 
*Neither of them dies* 
Yukong: … 
Feixiao: … 
Yukong: So, do you wanna talk about somethi- 
Feixiao: No thank you. 

-------------------

Acheron: Ok so, apparently the "bad vibes" I've been feeling are actually severe psychological distress.  

-------------------

Rappa: I am going to need you to swear- 
Boothill: Fuck. 
Rappa: 
Rappa: ...swear as in promise. 

-------------------

Agni: How has life been treating you lately? 
Blade: Horribly. 

-------------------

Sampo: What makes a bigger memory than a passionate kiss? 
Sparkle: A stab wound. 

-------------------

Ruan Mei: Are you free tomorrow? 
THE Herta: No, I’m fucking expensive every day. 

-------------------

Yanqing: Why do you act like we’re three-year-olds? 
Jing Yuan, exasperated: WHY?!? 
Jing Yuan points at Liu Feng: YOU TRIED TO HYJACK A STARSKIFF! 
Jing Yuan points at Xue Miao: YOU NEARLY JUMPED 20 FEET OFF A CARPARK! 
Jing Yuan points at Yanqing: AND YOU SPENT ALL YOUR MONEY FOR FOOD ON NEW SWORDS! 
Jing Yuan: AND YOU ASK ME WHY???? 

-------------------

Arlan: I’ll be famous one day, but for now I’m stuck in this space station with a bunch of morons.  

-------------------

Topaz, singing: ~Hush, little trotter, don’t you cry.~ 
Topaz: ~I'm gonna find you some more friends.~ 
Topaz: ~And if that method doesn’t work…~ 
Topaz: ~I will destroy the fucking Earth. ~ 

-------------------

Aventurine: Have I ever told you that I love you with my whole heart? 
Dr. Ratio: For the love of all that is holy, I am not taking you to McDonalds. It’s 2am! 
Aventurine: Mean. 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Liu Feng's birthday invitations. 
Fu Xuan: Well, what are they supposed to say? 
Jing Yuan: "Liu Feng's birthday". 
Fu Xuan: So, what do they say instead? 
Jing Yuan: "Liu Feng’s bi". 
Fu Xuan: 
Fu Xuan: Works out either way. 

-------------------

Serval, taping a knife onto a Roomba: Be free, my child. 
Gepard, entering the room with a small cut on his ankle: Who the f- 

-------------------

Liu Feng: Are we fighting or flirting? 
Moze: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck- 
Liu Feng: Your point? 

-------------------

Herta: Remember, if you die in the Simulated Universe — 
Caelus: Yeah, yeah, I know, if you die in the Simulated Universe you die in real life. 
Herta: What? No! You need to reset the Simulated Universe with the terminal! What is WRONG with you?! 

-------------------

Ju Feng: If you ever feel stupid or weak or powerless, just remember that I am not. I am out there, very dangerous, and I am looking for you. Good luck.  

-------------------

Aventurine: Do you ever think? Because I do not.  

-------------------

Herta: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect.  

-------------------

Natasha: Alright, what pizza toppings should we order? 
Seele: Anchovies and pineapple. 
Luka: I like beets! 
Hook: Have you guys ever had a cheese-less pizza? 
Natasha: I’m disowning all of you. 

-------------------

Luocha: Are you trying to seduce me? 
Jing Yuan: Why, are you seducible? 

-------------------

Pom-Pom: We've got to find a way to cut down our expenses. What can we live without? 
Stelle: Caelus, probably. 

-------------------

Gepard: State your name, rank, and intention. 
Sampo: Sampo, Koski, fun. 

-------------------

Caelus: I have been tricked, I have been backstabbed, and I have quite possibly been bamboozled.  

-------------------

Silver Wolf, playing a video game: How do I play? 
*Silver Wolf has drawn first blood!* 
*Silver Wolf is on a killing spree!* 
*Silver Wolf is on a rampage!* 
*Silver Wolf is unstoppable!* 
*Silver Wolf is dominating!* 
*Silver Wolf is godlike!* 
Silver Wolf: Don’t worry guys, I figured it out. 

-------------------

Jiaoqiu, about Moze: I like him, he has that, what do you call it? 
Feixiao: Cold blooded ruthlessness? 
Jiaoqiu: No, that’s not it. 
Jiaoqiu: Ah, a knife, he has a knife. 

-------------------

Yanqing: Fight me! 
Liu Feng, standing behind him and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not. 

-------------------

*Something crashes* 
Feixiao: Shoot- 
Jiaoqiu: *running into the room in a panic* WHAT FELL?! 
Moze: *walking by the room calmly* What died? 

-------------------

Caelus: I don’t go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me first.  

-------------------

March 7th: I mean, sure, I have my bad days, but then I remember what a cute smile I have.  

-------------------

Zhiyu (Liu Feng’s friend): Guys, my friend here is bilingual. 
Liu Feng: Yes. 
Zhiyu: Which means they like both boys and girls. 
Liu Feng: Ye- wait, what- 
Huifen (another one of Liu Feng’s friends): Zhiyu, that's not what bilingual means- 
Zhiyu: Shhh, it's okay Liu Feng. I still love you, man. 
Liu Feng & Huifen: ... 
Zhiyu: BUT NOT LIKE THAT-

Chapter Text

*Blade and Agni are planning to break in somewhere* 
Blade: We need to distract the guards. 
Agni: Right. 
Blade: What are we gonna do? 
Agni: I'm gonna break their elbows while you poke their eyes. 
Blade: 
Agni: 
Blade: Deal. 

-------------------

Aventurine: Helpful grammar tip: “farther” is for physical distance, “further” is for metaphorical distance, and “father” is for emotional distance! 

-------------------

Stelle: Why don't humans have a specific noise that means "there are bees here, let's leave immediately." Why are elephants more advanced than us. 
Dan Heng: We do have a specific noise for it. It sounds like this: 
Dan Heng: "There are bees here, let's leave immediately." 

-------------------

Liu Feng: That's ridiculous, Jiaoqiu doesn't have a crush on me. 
Jing Yuan: Yes they do. 
Feixiao: Yes they do. 
Jiaoqiu: Yes I do. 

-------------------

Ratio with a gun to Aventurine's chest: What happens if I pull this trigger? Heaven? 
Aventurine: Bold of you to assume I'll go to Heaven. 

-------------------

Yanqing: I regret nothing!!! 
Yunli: I regret everything!!! 

-------------------

Himeko, walking into her room: Hello, people who do have their own rooms. 
Caelus: Hey. 
Stelle: Hi. 
Dan Heng: Hello. 
March 7th: Hey! 
Himeko: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only! 
Stelle: We were out of Doritos. 

-------------------

*The gang is learning CPR on a test dummy* 
Lingsha: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing? 
Ju Feng: No, Lingsha. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs. 
Lingsha: No, that’s not part of it— 
Ju Feng: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there? 
Yanqing: I would want to live with no legs. 
Ju Feng: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Yanqing. You don’t do anything. 
Lingsha: All right, well, let's get back to it. ‘Cause you’re losing him. 
Ju Feng: *pumps frantically* 
Lingsha: Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute. 
Ju Feng: Okay, that’s uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour? 
Liu Feng: How’s that gonna help you? 
Ju Feng: I will divide and then count to it. 
Liu Feng: Right. 
Lingsha: Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of ‘Staying Alive’ by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song? 
Ju Feng: Yes, yes I do. I love that song. *clears throat, begins to sing* First I was afraid, I was petrified. 

-------------------

Ruan Mei: I love you. 
THE Herta: I love me too. 

-------------------

Yanqing: Urrrgh…I’ve never felt so sick in my entire life… 
Liu Feng: Ouch. Shit sucks, man. 
Yanqing: I feel like I’m dying… Whyyyy… 
Liu Feng, under his breath: Because I want to go back to some peace and quiet in this house. 
Yanqing: …DID YOU FUCKING POISON ME- 

-------------------

Topaz: Seriously, all you do is bitch. 
Aventurine: I happen to bitch the perfect amount for someone in my situation. 

-------------------

Random Researcher: Madam Herta, you’re such a genius! 
Herta: Yes, I know. 

-------------------

Aglaea: Phainon, why does your bucket list have ‘Die’ on it? 
Phainon: So I can die feeling at least a little bit accomplished. 

-------------------

Xue Miao, to a marastruck: It's not ugly, just aesthetically challenged. 

-------------------

Liu Feng: When I die, I want Yanqing to lower me into my grave so he can let me down one last time. 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: I am the most responsible person in the group. 
Luocha: …You just set the kitchen on fire. 
Jing Yuan: Yes, and I take full responsibility for that. 

-------------------

Blade: Kill me nowwwww. 
Agni: Sorry, no can do. I need your help with my part of the ‘script’. 

-------------------

Jiaoqiu: Hi. 
Feixiao: Hey, did you do what I said? Did you tell them? 
Jiaoqiu: I did. 
Feixiao: And what did they say? 
Jiaoqiu: “Thank you.” 
Feixiao: You’re totally welcome. What’d they say? 
Jiaoqiu: They said, “Thank you.” I said “I love you” and Liu Feng said, “Thank you.” 

-------------------

Jiaoqiu: I have feelings for you. 
Moze: Why? What's wrong with you? Are you sure you're okay? 

-------------------

Liu Feng: God, give me patience. 
Ju Feng: I think you mean “Give me strength”? 
Liu Feng: If god gave me strength, you’d be dead. 

-------------------

Dr. Ratio: I'm not doing to well. 
Ruan Mei: What's wrong? 
Dr. Ratio: I have this headache that comes and goes. 
*Aventurine enters the room* 
Dr. Ratio: There it is again. 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: While I'm gone, you're in charge Yanqing. 
Yanqing: Yes! 
Jing Yuan, whispering to Fu Xuan: You're secretly in charge, but I don't want him to feel bad. 
Fu Xuan: Obviously. 

-------------------

Aventurine:  Self-care is suppressing all your trauma until it comes back and hits you in the face with the force of 7 very large trucks. 

-------------------

Yanqing, grinning: Before you were what? 
Liu Feng: Before I was- 
Yanqing: What? 
Liu Feng: Before I was inter- 
Yanqing: Before you were interrupted? 
Liu Feng: Cut me off one more time and I swear I'll- 
Yanqing: What? 
Liu Feng: *makes frustrated sound* 
Xue Miao, nervously: Stop that. Before they hurt you. 

-------------------

Sampo: We’re having a moment, aren’t we? 
Seele: If by 'a moment' you mean me not wanting to strangle you for the first time since we met, then I guess we are. 

-------------------

Caelus:  Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me. 

Chapter Text

Stelle: Hello all, it is I, your favorite person. 
Dan Heng: Actually, Caelus is my favourite. 
Stelle: Okay then, it is I, that bitch. 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: You know, when Liu Feng is on a mission, he can get a little… 
Xue Miao: Psycho? 
Yanqing: Bloodthirsty? 
Sushang: Downright terrifying? 
Jing Yuan: All three. 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: Something tells me Ju Feng's going to be a bit more unhinged today... 
Ju Feng, holding a lit match and a bag of cheetos: Leave me be, Liu Feng isn't home to stop me, I'm going feral. 

-------------------

*March 7th is considering cancelling plans, and Stelle and Caelus are advising them on what to do* 
Stelle: Just don't go. 
Caelus: Say you’re ill! 
Stelle: Pretend to break your leg. 
Caelus: Really break your leg! 

-------------------

Liu Feng, when he first got out of the Shackling Prison: I’ve never been in a snowball fight before. I don’t know the rules. 
Yanqing: What? 
Liu Feng: Is there a point system, or is it to the death? 

-------------------

Mydei: I am darkness. I am power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am- 
Aglaea: A doll. 
Phainon: A cinnamon roll. 
Tribbie: A sweetheart. 
Mydei: 
Mydei: ...stop it. 

-------------------

Sampo: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went... OK. 
Luka: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG. 
Sampo: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO. 
Hook: I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins. 
Seele: Looks like someone's a HO. 
Luka: NaBrO. 
Natasha: I'm done with all of you! 

-------------------

Himeko:  I just watched Caelus jump off of a spinning chair. Luckily, they weren't hurt that badly. But the whole time, March was screaming for help, which caused Dan Heng to run in to help Caelus. Just note that all of this happened in the span of six minutes.  

-------------------

Jing Yuan: Where are your parents? 
A younger Yanqing: What are parents? 
Jing Yuan: That’s just about the saddest thing I ever heard get said. 

-------------------

Ju Feng to Liu Feng:  We got a free day now. What do you wanna do? Eat? Sleep? Nap? Snack?  

-------------------

Luocha: The General is too tall for me to kiss them on the lips. What should I do? 
Liu Feng: Punch them in the stomach. Then, when they double over in pain, kiss them. 
Feixiao: Tackle them! 
Fu Xuan: Dump them. 
Ju Feng: Kick them in the shin! 
Jing Yuan: No to all of those! Just ask me to lean down!! 

-------------------

Xue Miao, making a cup of tea: Yeah, get into that leaf juice, you sexy, sexy bee sauce. 
Qingni: Hey, do you take constructive criticism? 
Xue Miao: I absolutely fucking do not. 

-------------------

Yanqing: Which one of you was going to tell me that tea tastes different if you put it in hot water?? 
Liu Feng: Y- you were putting it in cold water?? 
Xue Miao: Yanqing. Answer the question, Yanqing. 
Yanqing: Yeah??? I thought people just put it in hot water to speed up the tea-ification process. didn't realize there was an actual reason. 
Jing Yuan: You don't have the patience to microwave water for 3 minutes?? 
Fu Xuan: Why are you. Putting it in the microwave. To boil it? 
Jing Yuan: Do you think I have the patience to boil water on the stove? 
Fu Xuan: It takes less than a minute. 
Jing Yuan: Is your stovetop powered by the fucking sun??? 
Yukong: How long does it take you to boil a cup of water on the stove? 
Jing Yuan: Like seven minutes?? 
Yukong: Just stick the mug on top of the stove on medium heat and it boils in like 2 minutes... less than that if you use a saucepan! 
Jing Yuan: Why are you putting the whole mug on the stove?? On medium heat?? Your stove is enchanted! 
Lingsha: Every single person here is a fucking lunatic. 
Liu Feng: Do none of you own a fucking kettle?! 

-------------------

Random Reporter: What Xianzhou ship do you live in? 
Liu Feng: Constant anxiety. 
Jing Yuan: Denial. 
Xue Miao: Perfection. 
Yanqing: THE LUOFU! 

-------------------

Aventurine, near tears: I have the sex appeal of a math book! 
Topaz: I don’t know, dude, I’ve never met anyone that opened a math book and didn’t say “fuck me”. 

-------------------

Random Disciple: Why won’t you just lie down and die with dignity?! 
Liu Feng: I don’t do anything with dignity! 

-------------------

Clara: I made this friendship bracelet for you. 
Hook: You know, I’m not really a jewelry person. 
Clara: You don’t have to wear… 
Hook: No, I’m gonna wear it forever. Back off. 

-------------------

Robin: *Hugs Sunday from behind* 
Robin: *Tucks Sunday's hair behind his ear* 
Robin, whispering: Eat all the frosted animal crackers again and they'll never find your body. 

-------------------

March 7th:  The only thing I'm guilty of is being adorable... ...and also assault with a deadly weapon.  

-------------------

A 6-year-old Yanqing: When do I get my own real sword? 
Jing Yuan: I wouldn’t trust you with a lightsaber. 

-------------------

Gallagher: I printed up a bunch of fake safety inspection certificates. Go slap one on anything that looks like a lawsuit. 
Misha: Mr Gallagher, is that legal? 
Gallagher: When the cops aren’t around, anything’s legal! 

-------------------

Herta:  God is no longer with us, I’ll take over.  

-------------------

Natasha: Hey, Sampo, where are you going? 
Sampo: Well, it depends. When I die, probably hell. 
Sampo: But right now I’m going to McDonald’s. 

-------------------

*While planning a raid on a Borisin hideout*  

Liu Feng: Hey, let’s do ‘Get Help’.  

Yanqing: What?  

Liu Feng: ‘Get Help’.  

Yanqing: No.  

Liu Feng: C’mon, you love it!  

Yanqing: I hate it.  

Liu Feng: It’s great! It works everytime!  

Yanqing: It’s humiliating.  

Liu Feng: Do you have a better plan?  

Yanqing: No.  

Liu Feng: We’re doing it.  

Yanqing: We are not doing ‘Get Help’.  

*A minute later*  

Liu Feng, carrying Yanqing: Get help! Please! My brother is dying! Help them! *Throws Yanqing at the guards, knocking them out*  

Liu Feng: Ahh, classic!  

Yanqing: *Gets up* I still hate it. It’s humiliating.  

Liu Feng, laughing: Not for me, it’s not.  

Chapter Text

Feixiao: Hey, babe, remember how I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my ADHD meds? 
Yukong: Yes? 
Feixiao: Well, it turns out they're all out for the next five days. 
Yukong: Fuck. 
Feixiao: It's gonna be a fun week! 
Yukong: I'm going to Jing Yuan's house. 
Feixiao: Nuh-uh. Through sickness and health, motherfucker. 

-------------------

Gepard: Are you sure Koski's even gay? They barely even looked at me.  
Pela: Captain, he has been staring at you this whole time. 

-------------------

Serval: *finds a note* Hmm, whats this? 
Bronya: Hey, that's mine! *tries to grab it* 
Serval: Aww, it's a love note for Seele? 
Bronya: No- 
Serval: *opens it* 
Serval: 
Bronya: 
Serval: I can't read this. 

-------------------

Yunli: Since we're in a relationship now, your clothes are my clothes too. Don't ask me why I have your shirt on, this is our shirt. 
Yanqing: Fine, but when I come strutting in with your fuzzy socks I don't want to hear shit. 

-------------------

Seele: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me? 
Bronya: Depends. Is your bed comfortable? 
Seele: Yes. 
Bronya: I'd sleep. 

-------------------

Herta: Love is weakness and an evolutionary mistake. 
Asta: You are literally making a Valentine’s day card for Ruan Mei. 
Herta, pointing their hot glue gun towards Asta: You’re on thin fucking ice. 

-------------------

Moze, at Liu Feng: Would you like to stay for dinner? 
Jiaoqiu, from the kitchen: Would you like to stay forever!?! 

-------------------

Caelus: Dan Heng kissed me! 
March 7th: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! 
Caelus: It was unbelievable! 
March 7th: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! 
Stelle: Okay, we wanna hear everything. March, get the wine and unplug the phone. Caelus, does this end well or do we need tissues? 
Caelus: Oh, it ended very well. 
March 7th: Do not start without me! Do not start without me! 
Stelle: Okay, alright, let’s hear about the kiss. Was it a soft brush against your lips or was it like a, you know, “I gotta have you now” kind of thing? 
Caelus: Well, at first it was really intense, you know? And then, oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it. 
Stelle: Ohh... So, okay, were they holding you? Or were their hands on your back? 
Caelus: First they started out on my waist and then they slid up and then they were in my hair. 
March 7th and Stelle: Ohhh. 
*meanwhile* 
Dan Heng eating pizza in their Party Car: And, uh, and then I kissed them. 
Welt: Tongue? 
Dan Heng: Yeah. 
Himeko: Cool. 

-------------------

*playing twister* 
Liu Feng: Right hand red. 
Jing Yuan: *ends up on top of Luocha* 
Luocha: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? 
Xue Miao: We stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice. 

-------------------

Moze: Wow, they really hate us. 
Jiaoqiu: Yes, perhaps they’re homophobic. 
Moze: But we’re not gay, Jiaoqiu. 
Jiaoqiu: 
Moze: 
Jiaoqiu: We’re not? 

-------------------

Dr. Ratio, to Aventurine:  If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one.  

-------------------

Yunli: I'm so happy, I could kiss you! 
Yanqing: Um...Neat. 
*later* 
Yanqing, lying face down on their bed: I said "Neat," Liu Feng. Who the fuck says neat these days? It's not neat to say neat but I said it anyways because I'm fucking stupid. 
Liu Feng, reading a book: Don't beat yourself up too much, Yanqing. Everyone gets nervous sometimes. Remember what I did when Jiaoqiu confessed their love for me? 
Yanqing: Didn't you thank them? 
Liu Feng: *closes the book and looks at the ceiling* I fucking thanked him. 

-------------------

Sampo: Where are you going? 
Gepard: To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one! 
Sampo: I told you I did! Its coming here on Friday! 
Serval, knowing full well that Sampo got Gepard an engagement ring: *eating popcorn* 

-------------------

Dan Heng:  I would never say that my partner is a bitch and I don’t don’t like them. That’s not true… My partner is a bitch and I like them so much!  

Chapter Text

Jiaoqiu: Hi, sorry I’m late. I was doing a couple of things and got distracted. 
Moze: I’m “a couple of things”. 
Liu Feng: I’m “got distracted”. 

-------------------

Mydei: Phainon, you do remember when we agreed we were better off as friends, right? 
Phainon, naked in Mydei's bed: No, I absolutely do not. 
Mydei, already taking off their clothes: Fuck... Me neither. 

-------------------

 
Phainon, in Mydei’s bed: Morning… how’d ya sleep last night? 
Mydei, knocking Phainon off: WHAT THE HELL?! 
Phainon: Ow— 
Mydei: What were you doing in my bed? You were supposed to sleep on the air mattress on the floor! 
Phainon: I had a nightmare. 
Mydei: You had a nightmare? What are you, five years old? 
Phainon: Listen, I needed to feel comfortable and I was getting this perverse power dynamic vibe from me sleeping on the floor and you sleeping up there- 
Mydei, in a royal accent: Why yes, how high and mighty I am up on my twin XL! 
Phainon: That is not what I meant— 
Mydei: Silence in the presence of your king, who sleeps a lofty twelve and a half inches above the ground! 
Phainon: Listen, I’m not ashamed. I slept comfortably when I got up on your bed and I’m sure you did too. 
Mydei: Yeah, okay- 
Phainon: You know what? I wanna know. How’d you sleep last night? 
Mydei: …That was the best I’ve slept in a while. 
Phainon, gasping: The king slept comfortably with a peasant in his bed! 
Mydei: I did not consent to this- 
Phainon, dramatically: But my liege, our love is forbidden! 
Mydei, on the phone: Hi, Aglaea? Yeah, there’s a bed bug in my room and he’s six-foot-one, he’s got white hair. 
Phainon: Ask them if they have one of those “Do Not Disturb” signs. I’ll put it on the door next time we… do it. 
Mydei: Okay, I'ma go shower and wash all of the you off of me. 
Phainon: Oh, maybe together we could— 
Mydei: NO. 
Phainon: Just to save water— 
Mydei: No! You don’t even pay for the water! 
Phainon: …Good point. 

-------------------

Moze: Do you ever think about how we’re technically brains inside skin suits?  

Jiaoqiu, pulling away from where he was sucking a hickey on Moze 's inner thigh:  

Liu Feng, pulling away from where he was biting at Moze’s neck:  

*later*  

Moze, knocking on the door: Please let me in, I promise I won't say anything like that again!  

Jiaoqiu and Liu Feng: [muffled sounds of two people making out]  

-------------------

Aventurine, about Dr. Ratio: How do you tell someone that you wanna have sex with them in a polite way? 
Topaz: Excuse me, would you give me the honours of indulging in sexual activities with you? 
Jade: What the fuck is wrong with you two? 

Chapter Text

Dr. Ratio: You use humour to deflect your trauma.  

Aventurine: Aw, thanks!  

Dr. Ratio: That’s not a good thing!  

Aventurine: What I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny.  

-------------------

Tribbie, watching Phainon and Mydei : Ah, yes. The three love languages: word of insult, physical attack and act of sacrifice.  

-------------------

Cocolia: I have the media. I have the police. I even have the government!  

Natasha: You know what I have? I have a bunch of neurodivergent young adults with incomplete educations and problems with authority. You really never stood a chance.  

-------------------

Luka: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today 
Seele: I didn't. You just showed up and started talking 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: People ask me how I manage the lieutenants so easily. 
Jing Yuan: The secret is, I don't. I have no control over them whatsoever. 
Jing Yuan: Earlier today, Yanqing called my name and when I showed up to see what was going on, Xue Miao shot me in the throat with a nerf gun. 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: I wrote down all the plans we shouldn't try again. 
Dan Feng: 'Baiheng tries to seduce someone, then starts crying on command' 
Jing Yuan: It works like a charm, but makes everyone uncomfortable. 
Dan Feng: 'Yingxing improvises a breakdancing number' 
Dan Feng: 'Dan Feng pretends to be a school counsellor’ 
Dan Feng: This one just says 'Throw Jingliu at enemies like a cat' 
Jing Yuan: Oh, no, that one works every time. Put it in the "to do" pile. 

-------------------

Moze: People who sleep without socks on make me worry. 
Yunli: People who sleep WITH socks are not to be trusted! 
Jiaoqiu: People who sleep are weird 
Yanqing: I was a sock once 
Liu Feng: Why are you guys in my closet-!? 

-------------------

Aventurine: Jade, I accidentally ate Sugilite's cake, how long do you think I'll live!? 
Jade: Ten 
Aventurine: Ten what-? 
Jade: Nine... 
*Aventurine runs off* 

-------------------

Robin: Mr. Wood, there is a monster under my bed 
Robin: It's the most hideous thing I've ever seen! 
Sunday, sitting on the bottom bunk: Why are you like this...? 

-------------------

Caelus: Hey, bro, what do you want to eat? 
Wonweek: The souls of the innocent! 
Sunday: A bagel 
Wonweek: NOOOOOO! 
Sunday: Two bagels 

-------------------

Liu Feng: Well, aren't you sugar, spice and everything nice 
Zhiyu: Well, aren't you rudeness, sarcasm and-... Uh... 
Liu Feng: No, go on. If you find something that rhymes with "sarcasm" and makes sense, I'll admit that we're friends 
Zhiyu: Well, aren't you rudeness and sarcasm, making my heart spasm 
Liu Feng: 

Liu Feng: So yeah, that's how we became friends 
Jing Yuan: I- Wha-? 

-------------------

Rappa: Do you think I can fit ten marshmallows in my mouth at the same time? 
Argenti: You're a hazard to society 
Boothill: And a coward, do twenty 

-------------------

Liu Feng: I'm currently running on a week of no sleep, six unfinished projects, four cups of coffee-... 
Liu Feng: -and a hug from Miss Bailu. 
Liu Feng: I'm ready to fight God- 
Liu Feng: -OR BECOME THEM! 

-------------------

Rappa: *screams* 
Boothill: *screams louder to assert dominance* 
Velite: Should we do something-? 
Argenti: No, I want to see who wins 

-------------------

Feixiao: Do you have any kids? 
Jing Yuan: Biologically, legally, or emotionally-? 
Feixiao: 
Jing Yuan: There IS a difference. 

-------------------

Jing Yuan : "Have kids" they said...  

*Yanqing and Liu Feng fighting while Xue Miao records the whole thing* 
Jing Yuan: "It'll be fun", they said... 

-------------------

Castorice:  My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.  

-------------------

Agni: What's the worst thing you guys have done? 
Silver Wolf: Rickrolled my teacher in 4th grade. 
Blade: I kicked Firefly in the shin- 
Firefly: -So I kicked Blade between the legs. 
Kafka: I burned a town down. 
Agni: What?! 
Firefly: What the hell is wrong with you?!? 
Kafka: A lot of things. 
Blade: No shit. 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: *hiding something in their coat* I think we should adopt another kid! 
Luocha: No. 
Jing Yuan: Why not? 
Luocha: Because when you say “kid”, you mean “cat”, and you already have fifteen of those. 
Jing Yuan: *unzips coat* Sixteen. 

-------------------

Gallagher:  I'm not a morning person. I'm barely even a person.  

-------------------

Caelus: Oh, here’s my award for the most rules broken! 
Dan Heng: That’s not an award, it’s an angry letter from the conductor. 
Caelus, hanging it on their wall: Well, it has the word ‘most’ in it, so I’m calling it an award! 

-------------------

Boothill: Oh, fiddlesticks. 
Argenti: Look, I understand this is a tense situation, but let's watch the fucking language. 

-------------------

Liu Feng:  I’m gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.  

-------------------

Huaiyan:  My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.  

-------------------

Opal: Today at 7 am, Aventurine poured a Monster energy drink in his coffee, said "I'm going to die" and drank the whole thing. 
Topaz: I watched Aventurine brew their coffee with Monster instead of water. Three cups in two hours. I think he ascended into the astral realm. 
Pearl: The survivability of the human race never fails to amaze me. 

-------------------

Yukong: Come to dinner tonight. I can’t cook that well, but I’ll bring plenty of free wine. 
Feixiao: Marry me. 

-------------------

Sunday: One of us is still ‘it’ from a childhood game of tag. 
Robin: Way to just fuck me up on a Tuesday. 

Chapter Text

Opal: Obsidian! For the love of the Amber Lord, please turn down that music. I have a hangover. 
Obsidian: *blasting the mii theme at full volume* That sounds like a you problem, not a mii problem. 

-------------------

Jiaoqiu: Being gay is a constant battle between "I wish to sit on a window bench with my lover, our legs tangling as we listen to the birds" and "Hey, let's go throw rocks at fascists" and I think that's very sexy of us. 
Liu Feng: If the window's open and you time it right, you can do both. 

-------------------

Moze: I want you back... 
Jiaoqiu: 3 words, 8 letters. Say it, and I'm yours. 
Moze: I got food? 
Jiaoqiu: ...you know me so well. 

-------------------

Caelus: You got a date yet Dan Heng? 
Dan Heng: No... 
Caelus: Well you do now! Get your ass up and hold my hand! 

-------------------

Stephen Lloyd: I know you love them. 
Ruan Mei: I am not in love with Herta! 
Stephen Lloyd, staring at Ruan Mei: I never said who... 
Ruan Mei: *realizes* 
Ruan Mei: Shit. Well, anyways- 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: I should've left you on that battlefield where I found you. 
Yanqing: But ya' didn't! 

-------------------

Liu Feng: You’re alive. 
Ju Feng: No need to sound so disappointed. 

-------------------

Gepard: I'm going to ask you to be respectful. 
Serval: I will politely decline. 

-------------------

Ju Feng: Don't break someone's heart, they only have one. 
Ju Feng: Break their bones, they have 206 of those bad boys! 

-------------------

Nous that THE Herta summoned, standing amidst the destroyed kitchen: How? How were you able to summon me?! 
THE Herta, flipping through a cookbook as fast as they can: I don’t know!! You were supposed to be chicken soup! 

-------------------

Feixiao: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute. 
Jiaoqiu: No, that's not how you make cookies. 
Moze: STOP IT GENERAL!! 
Jing Yuan: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!? 
Liu Feng: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN- 
Feixiao: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES! 
Yanqing: DO IT! 
Jiaoqiu, Moze and Liu Feng simultaneously: NO- 

-------------------

Hook: Words ending in 'ie' just sound so adorable. Like cutie, sweetie, cookie- 
Luka: Eyy, homie! 
Sampo: But then there's cootie... 
Seele: Die. 

-------------------

A younger Yanqing: General, I want a bedtime story! 
Jing Yuan: I’m busy, Yanqing. I’ll tell you one tomorrow. 
A younger Yanqing: If you don’t tell me a story, I won’t go to bed! 
Jing Yuan: Once upon a time, there was a person named Yanqing, who always wanted things his way. One day, his friends got sick of it and locked him in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end. 
A younger Yanqing: I don’t like these stories with morals. 

-------------------

Moze: So what’s for dinner? 
Jiaoqiu: I can’t tell you, it’s a soup-prise! 
Moze: … 
Moze: Is it soup? 
Jiaoqiu: I soup-pose it could be! *winks* 
Moze: Please, enough with the soup puns! 
Jiaoqiu: Wow, you’re soup-per mean. 
Moze: STOP! 
*one hour later* 
Moze: It’s fucking tacos?!?!?! 

-------------------

Pom-Pom: And if you have any suggestions, please put them in the suggestion box. 
Caelus: That’s a trash can. 

-------------------

Liu Feng:  My gender is in a constant state of flux.  

-------------------

Yanqing, brainstorming ideas for pranking Liu Feng: How much could a serial killer mask possibly cost? 
Sushang: Well it’s hard to find a high-quality one made out of leather or silicone, but if you did find a good one like that it’d be a couple thousands of dollars. I can try to hook you up with one but I don’t know if I’d be very successful. 
Yanqing: Huh, that’s pretty interesting actually- Wait, how the hell do you know that? 
Sushang: …I am very passionate about Halloween, Yanqing. 

-------------------

Stelle, to Skott:  If karma doesn't hit you, I fucking will.  

-------------------

Aglaea: Silence is golden. 
Phainon: Duct tape is silver. 

-------------------

Mydei, talking about Phainon:  WHAT THE FUCK I WAS ARGUING WITH HIM AND I SAID “OOH YOU WANNA KISS ME SO BAD” AND GUESS WHAT? HE DID. HE KISSED ME. WHAT THE FUCK WHAT DO I DO.  

-------------------

Caelus: I have one brain cell and it bounces around in my skull like a windows screen saver. 
Caelus: When it hits a corner perfect, I’m allowed one good idea. 

-------------------

Trianne: What’s the status up here? 
Trinnon: Fucked up, about to die, Tribbie’s a nerd. The usual. 

-------------------

Mydei: Plants have feelings too?! What is this? Now I can't have food! 
Tribbie: You can eat a rock. 
Phainon: Air. 
Aglaea: The fabric of time and space. 
Castorice: Chugging a bottle of bleach can solve all your problems. 
Mydei: You guys are not helpful. 

-------------------

Liu Feng, furious:  What do you mean I have to write reports tonight? I have books to read.  

-------------------

Dr. Ratio: What the hell is wrong with you? 
Aventurine: I have this weird self-esteem issue where I hate myself but still think I’m better than everyone else. 

-------------------

Gallagher:  Alcohol is delicious! ...I mean, MAlicious. Sorry guys, I’m really drunk right now.  

-------------------

Baliu, to Liu Feng:  We got a free day now. What do you wanna do? Eat? Sleep? Nap? Snack?  

-------------------

Aglaea: What makes you all smile? 
Tribbie: Friends and Family. 
Phainon: Snacks. 
Mydei: Victory and success. 
Anaxagoras: Face muscles. 

-------------------

THE Herta: Is this about me? 
Screwllum: No. 
THE Herta: Then I've lost interest. 

-------------------

Liu Feng and Ju Feng: *Kicks the door open, both looking panicked* 
Lingsha: What did you do?! 
Ju Feng: NOBODY DIED! 
Lingsha: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?! 

Chapter Text

Agni: 

Xue Miao: 

Liu Feng: 

Chapter Text

Aventurine, talking about Ratio: They're trying to lure me into a false sense of security! Well, joke’s on them! I’ve never been secure in my life ! And I’m not about to start now! 

-------------------

Diamond: Why can’t we all just get along? 
Opal: Because most of us are assholes, Diamond. 

-------------------

Clara: Fight me! 
Random Vagrant: Ha, look at your size! What are you gonna do, kick my ankle? 
*Later* 
Hook: Why is that vagrant crying? 
Clara: Mister Svarog kicked them really hard on the ankle. 

-------------------

Trailblazer: Rules are made to be broken! 

Fu Xuan: No, they are made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken. 

Xue Miao: Glow sticks. 

Bailu: Pinatas. 

Yanqing: Karate Boards. 

Lingsha: Kit Kats. 

Feixiao: The tape on a finish line. 

Moze: Break away glass. 

Yukong: Promises. 

Ju Feng: Friendships. 

Jiaoqiu: Hearts. 

Liu Feng: Bones. 

Fu Xuan: ... 

Fu Xuan: Well that escalated quickly.... 

-------------------

Liu Feng: Introverts don’t "make friends". 

Liu Feng: Extroverts often claim them against their will, and drag them along for the ride. 

[Yanqing, Jiaoqiu, Jing Yuan, Xue Miao and Feixiao fighting in the background]  

Liu Feng: Sometimes multiple extroverts claim the same introvert at once. This species is highly territorial, and thus they fight for dominance. 

Moze, passing Liu Feng a bag of popcorn : Introverts, as a species, find this highly amusing. 

-------------------

Himeko, gesturing to Trailblazer, Dan Heng and March 7th : These are my beautiful children. They're not very smart but they're all such good kind people with nothing but love in their hearts. 

Yukong, gesturing to Tingyun and Qingni: These are my terrible daughters who I've had to bail out of jail five times each this month because Qingni keeps causing starskiff pileups and Tingyun likes to scam children. Despite this, they are my most important people and losing them would send me spiraling. 

Jing Yuan, gesturing to Liu Feng, Xue Miao, and Yanqing: These are my kids who are incredibly smart individually, but should they all be in a room by themselves without my supervision specifically, they can cause the entire structure of the Luofu to collapse from their stupidity of working together alone. However, they are united by a common experience of abandonment and will do anything to keep me safe and I enjoy their company.  

Natasha, giving a thousand-yard stare while Seele, Sampo, Hook and Luka destroy Jarilo-VI behind her : These are the foul wretched screeching devils who have invaded my life with the intention to destroy everything they touch and refuse to give me a moment's peace. I. Love. Them.  

-------------------

Seele, to someone that angered him : [holds up two middle fingers] 

Natasha: Can’t say I’m surprised… 

Luka: Yeah, flip em off, Seele! 

Clara, confused: [holds up one middle finger] 

Seele, Natasha and Luka : NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  

-------------------

Liu Feng, reaching for a coffee pot : What if I put coffee in my cereal instead of milk? 

Jing Yuan, taking the coffee pot away as he walks past : What if you don’t? 

-------------------

Feixiao: [sniffles] 

Moze: ...You okay?... 

Feixiao: [sniffles again] 

Moze, hesitantly hugs Feixiao: ...If something's bothering you, you can always... 

Feixiao: I have a cold. 

Moze, lets go immediately: If anyone finds out about that last few seconds, no one will find you ever again. 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: See, I’m straight (not rlly) but like if there was a man that I would marry, it would be Luocha. 

Yukong: How do you feel about that, Luocha? 

Luocha: ....It’s not helping with the rumours. 

Yukong: I think the kiss you guys shared during one of our meetings isn’t helping with the rumours. 

Jing Yuan: Yeah, I just hate that you didn’t give me enough tongue. 

-------------------

Liu Feng , on the phone : Hey General, do you know my blood type? 

Jing Yuan: Of course, it's B-. 

Liu Feng: Oh, I guessed wrong. Miss Bailu-! 

-------------------

Xue Miao: [mumbling under her breath] 

Ju Feng: For the last time, you can’t exorcise me because I am in a contract with your stupid brother, so stop! 

Xue Miao : Worth a try! 

-------------------

*After Jiaoqiu, Moze and Liu Feng get into a three-person gay polycule that I ship because I can and will ^^* 

Moze, getting up and out of bed to go to the kitchen to get water because he was thirsty : 

Moze, coming back to his room : 

Jiaoqiu, inside the room, wide awake, shaking Liu Feng: I'm telling you! He's dead for real this time! I know it! 

Liu Feng, half asleep: What if he went to get some water or something?. . . 

Jiaoqiu:  

Jiaoqiu: I think my theory is more plausible. 

Moze:  

-------------------

Welt: No two snowflakes are at the same. They are all unique, fleeting creations. 

Stelle, rolling 50,000 of them together to throw at Caelus: That's beautiful. 

-------------------

Xue Miao: My best friend in the whole wide world is a girl called Qingni. We’ve been best friends for about three or four years. A lot of people don’t believe it’s platonic, but it is, the idea of each other naked makes us both very sad. But we love each other, we do, we’ve just been together through most things.  

-------------------

Natsha: Why did you give Hook a knife? 

Sampo: She said she felt unsafe. 

Natsha: Well now I feel unsafe. 

Sampo: I'm sorry. 

Sampo:  

Sampo: Do you want a knife? 

-------------------

Traiblazer : I like this whole good-cop-bad-cop thing you and Mydei have going. 

Phainon: It’s not really a thing. It’s more like I’m nice and Mydei is not. 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: What did you guys get in your yearbook? 

Xue Miao: 'Prettiest Smile' 

Yanqing: 'Nicest Personality' 

Ju Feng: 'Most likely to start a bar fight' 

Liu Feng: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one' 

-------------------

Qingque: "Are you just going to lay in bed all day?" 

Qingque: Would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? 

Qingque: Would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun? 

-------------------

Lingsha: If you’re outdoors in these temperatures you need to be primarily drinking water. 

Lingsha: NOT red bull, 

Lingsha: NOT iced coffee, 

Lingsha: NOT that that weird "soda", from Penacony 

Lingsha: W👏A👏T👏E👏R 

Yanqing: Iced tea? 

Lingsha: A👏Q👏U👏A 

Liu Feng: Is hot coffee acceptable? 

Lingsha: Why would you do that to your body? 

Feixiao: What about light beer? 

Lingsha: It’s almost water so may as well just have water. 

Hanya: Vodka? 

Lingsha : Choose hydration, not diedration. 

Xue Miao: Sparkling or still? 

Lingsha: This isn’t Belobog. 

Qingque: What if I don't like the taste of water? 

Lingsha: What if you don’t like the taste of being alive? 

Sushang: What if you are built different? 

Lingsha: You're not. 

-------------------

Gallagher: Okay, why is Robin on top of the tree this year? 

Sunday: Because she's a star, Dog, keep up. 

-------------------

Ju Feng: What’s with the Christmas sweaters? 

Yanqing: They’re tradition! 

Liu Feng: [holding one that says “Ho Ho Hell No”] I like mine. 

Chapter Text

Jing Yuan: I am the oldest. 

Liu Feng, chugging as much coffee as possible to test his grit: We know. 

Jing Yuan: I'm also the one in charge. 

Xue Miao, baking glitter into a cake : Uh huh... 

Jing Yuan: I'm responsible for making sure you guys don't die. 

Yanqing, holding an airhorn to a sleeping Mimi : We know. 

Jing Yuan: I'll say that again, I'm responsible for making sure you guys don't die. 

Liu Feng, pouring espresso into the coffee machine instead of water : Is this going somewhere? 

Jing Yuan, in tears: Please make this easier. Why are you like this? 

Xue Miao, standing next to the now-on-fire oven: I do not believe anything can kill me. 

Liu Feng, chugging the coffee that is now strong enough to break someone's spine: I WAS killed. And I came back. I don't believe anything can KEEP me dead. 

Yanqing, being crushed by Mimi: Does it honestly look like I care at this point? 

-------------------

Pom-pom: Why is Dan Heng crying? 

Stelle: He told me the only food that would make him cry are onions. 

Pom-pom: Okay? And? 

Stelle: I threw a watermelon at him. 

-------------------

Lingsha, to Liu Feng: Oh dear, oh dear. Gorgeous. 

Lingsha, to Ju Feng: YOU FUCKING DONKEY! 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: If you wanna see the dynamic of a sibling relationship, there's a simple way to do so. 

Jing Yuan: The floor is LAVA! 

Xue Miao and Yanqing: [help each other up the kitchen counter] 

Liu Feng and Ju Feng: [actively trying to kick each other off the sofa they were previously chilling on] 

-------------------

Sunday: Oh, Mr. Yang. Did you get the report on the latest mission? 

Welt : Yeah, I looked it over. Nice work. 

Sunday: Thanks, Dad. 

Trailblazer, March 7th and Dan Heng : 

Himeko and Pom-Pom : 

Black Swan : 

Welt : 

Sunday : Why is everyone staring at me? 

March 7th : You just called Mr. Yang "dad." 

Dan Heng : You said, "Thanks, Dad." 

Trailblazer: That makes all four of us. 

Sunday, eyes widening : What? No, I didn't! I said, "Thanks, Mr. Yang." 

Welt: Do you see me as a father figure, Sunday? 

Sunday, turning bright red : No! If anything I see you as a bother figure because you're always bothering me! 

Pom-Pom : Hey! Show your father some respect! 

Sunday: I didn't call him Dad! 

Welt: No, no. Sunday, I take it as a compliment. 

Black Swan : It's not a big deal. I called Acheron mom once and she's my girlfriend. 

Sunday: Guys! Jump on that! The Memokeeper has psycho-sexual issues! 

Trailblazer: Old news. But you calling Mr. Yang "Daddy". 

Sunday: Hey, "Daddy" is not on the table here! 

Welt : Alright, alright, I believe you- 

Sunday: Thank you! 

Welt: -son. 

Sunday :  

Welt: You want to talk about it later over a game of catch? 

Sunday:   

Sunday, under his breath : I'd like that... 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: [sees a cat] 

Jing Yuan: Okay time for me to bother this animal 

-------------------

Himeko: Sometimes a family is just a large group of hazards to society. 

-------------------

Moze : How did you break your leg? 

Jiaoqiu: Do you see those porch stairs? 

Moze: Yes. 

Jiaoqiu: I didn't. 

-------------------

Himeko, furious: Who the fuck broke the coffee kettle!!!!??? 

Trailblazer : It was March. 

Dan Heng : It was March. 

Welt: March broke it. 

Pom-Pom : It was March. 

March 7th : 

March 7th : ...yOU PROMISED- 

-------------------

Yanqing, ratting out Liu Feng to Jing Yuan: HE CALLED ME THE B-WORD 

Liu Feng: MOTHERFUCKER DOESN'T START WITH A B! 

Jing Yuan: Liu Feng, this isn't helping your case. 

-------------------

Jiaoqiu: Bleeding is the most fun a boy can have without taking his clothes off. 

-------------------

Liu Feng: Having friends in the medical field is so funny. Lingsha's like "Today I delivered a baby", then Bailu's like "Today I assisted in a surgery that will fundamentally improve someone's life" then I'm like "I committed mass murder and refused to even write the report on it." 

-------------------

Liu Feng, to Preceptor Taoran : They say it’s better to take the moral high road. Too bad I'm a piece of shit, so you’re about to catch these hands. 

-------------------

Qingni: Oops stole your abandonment issues. 

Xue Miao: Give that back! It was a gift from my dead parents! 

-------------------

Liu Feng: [shatters a window and climbs through it] 

Liu Feng : [turns around and helps Bailu through it] Breaking and entering is wrong Miss Bailu. 

Bailu: Okay 

-------------------

Xue Miao: I thought bonding with dragons would be this mystical, powerful experience... 

Xue Miao: Turns out, it's a lot of sass and eye-rolling. 

-------------------

Silver Wolf: Chefs kiss? No way. Do they? Seriously? 

Agni: This is what they're doing when they're letting the shrimp fry the rice. 

Blade: [silently sharpening knives] 

-------------------

Xue Miao: "I would die for my sibling" this and that. Could never be me and Liu Feng - I’d die and he’d die more dramatically just to piss me off so I have to come back to life for an even more dramatic redo. 

-------------------

Dan Heng: Information is like a bottle of fine wine. You store it, you hoard it, you save it for a special occasion. 

Dan Heng: And then you smack someone in the face in with it. 

-------------------

Random ass Karen: Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!? 

Yanqing: Well. How would you like me to mock you? I take requests. 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: Making breakfast for my beautiful husband. :) 

Luocha: Who the fuck is burning down the kitchen!? 

-------------------

Gepard: Your Honor, I hereby submit the following to the court: 
Gepard: Koski, what the actual FUCK? 

-------------------

Mydei: *spits mouthful of blood onto floor* You’ve become far more powerful since we last crossed paths. 
Dentist: Please stop, there’s literally a sink right next to you. 

-------------------

Dan Shu, writing in a letter: "I'm going to kick.. your... ass." 
Dan Shu: THERE. Now send it. 
Random Disciple: Master, your handwriting's terrible, are you sure you want to- 
Dan Shu: JUST DO IT! 
later 
Jing Yuan: So what does it say? 
Qingzu, reading the letter: They say they're going to "lick my...." 
Jing Yuan: 
Qingzu: 
Jing Yuan: Gross- 

-------------------

Jiaoqiu: What is the one thing I told you not to do? 
Feixiao: Burn the house down. 
Jiaoqiu: And what did you do? 
Feixiao: I made dinner. 
Jiaoqiu: 
Feixiao: 
Jiaoqiu: 
Feixiao: And burnt the house down. 

Chapter Text

Caelus: If you kill me, my teeth only have a 2% drop rate. 
Pom Pom: What? 
Caelus: Good luck. 

-------------------

Robin: You know you can die from that, right? 
Siobhan: *smoking a cigarette* That’s the point. 
Gallagher: *drinking alcohol* We’re trying to speed this up. 
Misha: *Eating raw cookie dough and nodding* 

-------------------

Stelle: Your problem is that you’ve got no common sense. 
Caelus: I’ve got plenty of common sense! 
Caelus: I just choose to ignore it. 

-------------------

Topaz: What did you get Aventurine for his birthday? 
Jade: I got them a cat cake. 
Sparkle: Really? Me too! 
Dr. Ratio: I also got them a cat cake. 
Sunday: Looks like we had the same idea. 
Black Swan: Acheron, please tell me you didn't get Aventurine a cat cake as well! 
Acheron: ...I got them a kitten. 
*later* 
Aventurine, in their apartment surrounded by cat cakes and one kitten: This is the best birthday ever! 

-------------------

Liu Feng, to a stack of paperwork that have been sitting on his desk for days: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions. 

-------------------

*the Astral Express at Disneyland, in the teacups* 
Himeko, Welt, and Dan Heng: *spinning a little and talking* 
Stelle, Caelus, and March 7th: *flying past them, spinning as fast as they can, screaming* 

-------------------

Opal: It’s time to turn this into a real business. 
Aventurine: What do you mean? Like, carry a briefcase, and wear a tie, and pay taxes? 
Jade: Wait, have you not been paying your taxes? 
Topaz: I handle our accounting. 

-------------------

Sampo: Good news! I didn’t screw up! 
Natasha: ... 
Sampo: I screwed up less badly than usual! 
Natasha: ... 
Sampo: Screwed up with less immediate consequences than usual. 

-------------------

Liu Feng: That's not funny. 
Ju Feng: I thought it was funny. 
Liu Feng: You don't count. You started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on Facebook. 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: I’ve only had Yanqing for a day and a half but if anything happened to him, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself. 

-------------------

A Cloud Knight recruit, watching Yanqing and Xue Miao fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt? 
Liu Feng, not bothered by the chaos: It’s fine. They’re too evenly matched to hurt each other. 
Cloud Knight recruit: Then... who’s the strongest out of you three? 
Yanqing: Liu Feng. 
Xue Miao: Liu Feng. 
Liu Feng: Me. 

-------------------

Stelle: Hey, thanks for checking in, I’m ✨still a piece of garbage✨ 

-------------------

Xue Miao: I sleep with a gun under my pillow. 
Yanqing: I sleep with a sword. 
Liu Feng: Both of you are pathetic. 
Yanqing: Oh yeah? What do you sleep with? 
Liu Feng: Ju Feng. 

Chapter Text

Jing Yuan: What's the scariest horror movie you've ever watched? 
Xue Miao: IT. 
Yunli: Annabelle. 
Yanqing: Paranormal Activity. 
Sushang: High School Musical. All throughout high school I was scared that everyone was gonna randomly get up and start singing and dancing, and I would be the only one who doesn't know the words. 

-------------------

Xue Miao: Why are your tongues purple? 
Yunli: We had slushies. I had a blue one. 
Yanqing: I had a red one. 
Xue Miao: oh. 
Xue Miao: 
Xue Miao: OH. 
Liu Feng: 
Liu Feng: You drank each others slushies? 
Yanqing: Yea. 
Yunli: We wanted to see if the colour changed the flavour. It didn’t. 

-------------------

Lingsha: What scares you guys the most? 
Xue Miao: Severed Limbs. 
Yanqing: Breaking a sword. 
Liu Feng: The unstoppable marching of time that is slowly guiding us all towards an inevitable death. 
Liu Feng: 
Liu Feng: Needles. 

-------------------

Liu Feng: I’m gonna die alone. 
Jing Yuan: Liu Feng, you’re not gonna die alone. 
Liu Feng: Jiaoqiu and Moze was my safety net, okay? They went back to the Yaoqing and now I have to get a snake. 
Jing Yuan: What? Why? 
Liu Feng: If I’m gonna be an old lonely person, I’m gonna need a thing, you know? A hook. Like that guy in the Unshackled who pours out water to release the microorganisms. 
Liu Feng: So, I figured I’ll be “Crazy Man With A Snake”, you know? Crazy snake man. 
Liu Feng: Then I’ll get more snakes, call them my babies. Kids won’t walk past my place, they will run! RUN AWAY FROM CRAZY SNAKE MAN! 

-------------------

Boothill: You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. 
Boothill: That's why I own TEN guns. 
Boothill: Just in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder. 

-------------------

Caelus, upon their first meeting: I can’t tell if you’re a genius or just incredibly arrogant. 
Herta: Well, on a good day, I’m both. 

-------------------

Yanqing: Why are you like this?? 
Liu Feng: I used too much "No More Tears" shampoo as a kid and I haven't felt a single emotion since. 

-------------------

Yanqing, explaining his fight with Blade and Dan Heng: All the sudden I got a random burst of energy, and I think it's my body's last hurrah before it completely shuts down.  

-------------------

Stelle, to Caelus: Well, one of us has to be wrong and it’s not going to be me.  

-------------------

Yanqing: Liu Feng, I know you snuck out to see Jiaoqiu and Moze last night. 
Liu Feng: If you tell the General, I swear I’ll murder you, and they’ll never find the body. 
Yanqing: Five bucks? 
Liu Feng: Fine. 

-------------------

Natasha: If you two can manage to not kill each other while I'm gone. 
Seele: Oh, please. We're not children. 
*Natasha leaves* 
Seele, casually: ...Eat shit and die. 
Luka, also casually: Yes, fuck you. 

-------------------

Aventurine: Isn't it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?  

-------------------

Aventurine: No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess? 
Topaz: Your life? 
Aventurine: I- well yes, but- 

-------------------

Liu Feng: Hey I just got a pet snake. What should I name him? 
Xue Miao: A pet WHAT?! 
Yanqing: William Snakespeare. 

-------------------

Qingni: How would you guys deal with a toxic friend? 
Tingyun: Tell them how you really feel. 
Liu Feng: Slowly distance yourself from them. 
Yanqing: Engage in a 1v1 sword battle and if they lose they have to stop being toxic or pay the price. 
Qingni, being handed a sword: …well heck. 

-------------------

Dan Heng: I love sarcasm! It’s like punching people in the face, but with words!  

-------------------

Jing Yuan, after the Wardance:  I’d like to live through a week that’s not a whole new verse of “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”  

-------------------

Herta:  I love being right. It’s one of my favorite personality traits.  

-------------------

Xue Miao:  Quitting! It's like trying, but easier.  

-------------------

Seele:  Me and my girlfriend don't argue. She tells me to shut up and I do.  

-------------------

Caelus:  Theater kids are just choir kids who joined forces with the band and strings kids.  

-------------------

Aventurine, carrying a box: What would you say if- if I, hypothetically, came home with 7 kittens one day? 
Dr. Ratio: … 
Dr. Ratio: What’s in the box? 
Aventurine: What woul- 
Dr. Ratio: Gambler, what’s in the box? 
Aventurine: I think you know. 

-------------------

Bronya: I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you. 
Seele: That's great, Princess. Especially considering the fact we might as well have been married for the past 6 fucking years. 

Ju Feng: Hey, do you know the password to Liu Feng’s computer? 
Jing Yuan: Fuck you, Ju Feng. 
Ju Feng: Hey!! 
Jing Yuan: No, you misunderstood, the password is "fuckyouJuFeng". 
Ju Feng: Oh, no numbers? Not very safe. 

-------------------

Skott: So, you’ve finally arrived- 
Skott: Here to save Aurumn- 
Skott: I’ve been waiting for this day- 
Skott: Stop skipping my dialogue- 
Skott: Seriously, stop- 
Skott: MOTHER FU- 

-------------------

Moze:  I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal, that's where the blood's supposed to be!  

-------------------

Jing Yuan: I’m not lazy, I just find it hard to put effort into things I’m not passionate about. 
Fu Xuan: What are you passionate about? 
Jing Yuan: Sleeping. 

-------------------

Jiaoqiu, talking abt Moze and Liu Feng:  I see the red flags, I acknowledge that they're there, and then I completely ignore them.  

Chapter Text

Yanqing: What’s up with the General? He’s been laying on the floor for like….an hour now? 
Yukong: He’s just a little overwhelmed. 
Yanqing: Why? 
Yukong: Luocha smiled at them. 

-------------------

Qingque:  The Master Diviner really should stop monologuing.  

-------------------

Aventurine: Ratio gave me a get better soon card. 
Jade: That's sweet! 
Aventurine: I wasn't sick, he just thinks I can do better. 

-------------------

Yukong: What did you two do? 
Tingyun: 
Qingni: 
Yukong: You’re not in trouble, I just need to know if I have to lie to the Cloud Knights again or not. 

-------------------

Ruan Mei: No, I don't want to talk about physics! I don't know anything about the laws of physics because they are hard and boring. I simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! Is that really asking too much? 
Herta: Yes, as a matter of fact, it is! 
Ruan Mei: Well, guess what? Physics is stupid bullshit!! 
Herta: You take that back!!! 
Ruan Mei: No. Biology is awesome. Physics blows. The end. 

-------------------

Sunday: Now it's time for some witty back and forth banter. You go first. 
Gallagher: *demonic screeching* 
Sunday: Look, I'm not sure where to go with that. 

-------------------

Jiaoqiu walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: General Feixiao, I respect you but, what the h-e-double FUCK. 
Feixiao, sipping tea happily: I love you too 😊 

-------------------

Blade: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends. 
Agni: ... Your what? 
Blade: My friends. 
Firefly: Are they saying “friends”? 
Kafka: I think they're being sarcastic. 
Silver Wolf: No, no, no, this is delirium, they've cracked from being awake all night. Hey, Bladie! All of your friends are in this room. 

-------------------

Yanqing, doing Math homework: Which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen? 
Liu Feng, helping Yanqing with homework: Neither. 
Liu Feng: Because it's twelve. 

-------------------

Caelus: *Stands in trash can.* 
Stelle: Cae, not again! You're not trash, you're at least recycling! 

-------------------

Feixiao, watching Jiaoqiu & Moze panic: What's going on? 
Liu Feng: Xiao Wu (Moze) is having a midlife crisis and Jiao is just having a crisis. 

-------------------

Aventurine:  I'm allergic to death.  

-------------------

Aventurine: Hey besties- 
Sugilite: Die. 
Topaz: What the fuck did he do to you- 

-------------------

Rappa: Silvergun Shura, please calm down. 
Boothill: I asked for two large fries! 
Boothill: *dumps fries onto table* 
Boothill: But all they did was give me a MILLION FUCKING LITTLE ONES! 

-------------------

Stelle: I type how I think. 
Dan Heng: Odd that you type at all then. 

-------------------

Seele: Fine! I don't give a shit! 
Sampo: You seem to give a lot of shit for someone who claims not to give a shit. 

-------------------

Welt when first meeting Luocha:  Editor's note: What the fuck?  

-------------------

*The Astral Express is playing Chess* 
Welt and Dan Heng: *easily beats everyone because they know how to play* 
Sunday: *doesn’t know the rules, but wins anyway* 
March 7th: *doesn’t know the rules, and loses* 
Himeko: *knows the rules, but purposely loses to March cus she was sad about losing* 
Stelle: Actually, you can’t do that, because I said so. 
Caelus: They named a board game after cheese? 

-------------------

Gepard: Thanks for opening my message and not responding. 
Serval: All good bro, any time. 
Gepard: Fuck you. 

-------------------

Liu Feng: Its hard to resist, I'm really sorry- I mean, considering your approach so far, you had us stuck here for- what? Hours? And you haven’t even had us confirm what exactly we are! 
Taoran: What are you then? 
Ju Feng: We’re a Virgo >:3! 

-------------------

Caelus: You know what bothers me? Bats. Why can bats fly? 
March 7th: Not again! 
Stelle: No. Seriously, who gave them the right? They're mammals! Mammals walk on land, no exceptions. 
Dan Heng: Just wait until they hear about whales. 
Caelus and Stelle: What now? 

-------------------

Obsidian: How stupid do you think I am?! 
Sugilite: You really want an honest answer to that? 

-------------------

Herta:  Underestimate me. That'll be fun.  

-------------------

Aventurine: I apologize for saying 'fuck' in front of you, Kakavasha. 
Future Aventurine: You just said it again. 
Kakavasha: 😀? 
Aventurine: I am not a role model. 

-------------------

Stelle: How should we carve a gigantic pumpkin? 
Caelus: The same way I make onion rings! 
Caelus: *grabs a chainsaw* 

-------------------

Jing Yuan: I'm at a loss for words! 
Yanqing: Despite being ‘at a loss for words’, the General yelled at the three of us (Liu Feng, Xue Miao, Yanqing) for the next 45 minutes. 

-------------------

Dan Heng: I hate to say ‘I told you so’— 
March 7th: No, you don’t. You would marry 'I told you so’ and have a baby with it and buy adjoining burial plots. 

-------------------

March 7th:  I will be using so much pink to decorate my room that you’ll be seeing green by the end from sensory deprivation.  

-------------------

Dan Heng: Alright Stelle, Caelus. Let's go over this one more time. 
Dan Heng: If something breaks? 
Stelle: We try to fix it before Himeko or Pom Pom find out. 
Dan Heng: If it doesn't work? 
Caelus: We blame March. 
March 7th: Seriously guys, what the hell?! 

-------------------

Feixiao: How the hell did you crash the car?! 
Moze: So I was just driving today, right? And my navigation told me to go straight. 
Moze: I was like "woah, that's homophobic". Instead, I went gay. And, THAT'S when I got into an accident. 
Feixiao: ... 
Jiaoqiu, with a proud smile: And THAT'S who I'm in love with, ladies and gentlemen. 

-------------------

Moze:  I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted crow.  

Chapter Text

Xue Miao: I'm having problems with a guy... 
Liu Feng: Like his dead body won't fit into your trunk kind of problems, or you like him kind of problems? 

-------------------

Arlan: I think my guardian angel drinks.  

-------------------

Jing Yuan: I can't believe there's a cat somewhere in my house. Amazing feeling. Love cats. And he's here, in my house! Somewhere! And I may encounter him! What a treat.  

-------------------

*when a child starts crying in public* 
Sunday: *tries to make the child laugh* 
Himeko: *tries to play a game with the child to make them calm down* 
Welt Yang: *gives detailed instructions to the parents* 
March 7th: *cries with the child* 
Dan Heng: *ignores the child* 
Caelus and Stelle: *is the reason why the child is crying* 

-------------------

Robin: Be careful about succumbing to these sorts of destructive... urges. Addiction can be a powerful thing. 
Sunday: So am I. Bow down before your new supreme overlord, bitches. 

-------------------

*In the Astral Express group chat* 
Sunday: A pegan just flew into my window. 
Welt Yang: Pegan? 
March 7th: A what? 
Dan Heng: Ah yes, my favourite bird, Pegan. 
Caelus: I thought you said penguin for a second, LMAO! 
Black Swan: Just a normal day with flying penguins crashing into my window. 
Stelle: You have pigeons flying into your window? Can't relate, I have penguins flying into my window. 
Sunday: I literally just made a typo- 
Himeko: Please focus on your household chores everyone. 

-------------------

 
Taoran: Dan Heng, reincarnation of Dan Feng. 
Dan Heng: Taoran, reincarnation of... a bitch! You’re still here. 

-------------------

Luka: You're smiling. What happened? 
Seele: What? Can't I smile just because I feel like it? 
Gepard: Koski tripped and fell down the stairs today. 

-------------------

Sugilite, to Aventurine: How about you start doing your job instead of gambling? Fucking loser, go grind. 

-------------------

Lynx: Every zoo is a petting zoo unless you’re a coward. 
Pela: I’m worried about you. 

-------------------

Yaoshi: How would you like it if I made someone live forever? 
Lan: I'd hate it. Shut the fuck up. 

-------------------

*Asta and Herta are texting* 
Asta: Who are you? Someone changed the names in my phone. 
Herta: What did they change my name to? 
Asta: Chosen One. 
Herta: Don’t change it back. 
Asta: BUT WHO ARE YOU?!?! 
Herta: I’m the chosen one. 

-------------------

Welt Yang: Who hurt you? 
Sunday: *snorting* What, do you want a list? 
Welt Yang: ...Yes, actually. 

-------------------

*Guinaifen and Sushang house is on fire, but they don't know it* 
Guinaifen: Damn, it's hot in here. 
Sushang: I know, it's so hot there's smoke coming out of the vent! 
Guinaifen: 
Guinaifen: First of all, I'm assuming you have no idea what the problem with that statement is. 
Sushang: What? 
Guinaifen: Second of all, we need to get the fuck out of here, NOW.