Archive of Our Own ^beta

February 4th, 2006

While I wait in the café for a cookie, I always run into this sheep member; 'Nakahara Chuuya'. He's always with some kids, by the names of "Shirase" and "Yuan." They're all pretty annoying kids, and I usually watch them while a drink is being made, or a cookie is being pulled fresh out of the oven. They haven't noticed me watching them yet, but I have bumped into Chuuya before. His eyes are the eyes of an angel, I love the color blue. Especially his eye color, and his hair.. well, I'm not a big fan. But, he surely wouldn't look any better with brown or black hair. So, I think it's perfect. He said, "I'm sorry, are you okay?" When I bumped into him, he's so sweet. I just have the biggest crush on him!! But, I don't like the friends he's always with. I wish he could just leave them and come to talk to me. I wouldn't confess how I feel just yet because it'd be seen as creepy. We had only met once before anyway, and anyway, I'm ashamed to like men. I'm trying to surround myself with more women. It's not man-like to like another man. But, I'm not exactly opposed to dating a lady, I just want... both, you know? I just want somebody I could talk to about this, and they wouldn't judge me. Oda doesn't care, but it'd feel awkward to tell him about my homosexual fantasies with Chuuya. Especially since he isn't a mafia member and would be classified as a threat to us if he tried something. He doesn't even know my name, but I've done my research. I know that he is 160cm, pretty short, I'd say for a 15 year old boy. But, whatever. His weight, well, he weighs 53kg, I guess it's normal weight. His ability, yes, I found out he is an ability user. It's called "Upon The Tainted Sorrow." and he is a gravity manipulator? He would go great with my ability. He'd look amazing in my arms. I just want to squeeze him to death. Well, diary, I think it's time I say something.

I walk up to the counter, and I bump into him again. This time, on purpose. "I'm so very sorry.." I say, I hope he isn't mad at me. He looks so angry all the time, but he's so gentle with me the times I've talked to him. I guess he has respect for strangers. Or, he knows I'm a mafioso. "It's okay, here I'll get this for you." He grabs my drink and places his hands on my shoulders, I almost squeal in excitement. He actually touched.. me. My face gets red, and I guess it's noticeable because Shirase stares at me weirdly. He grabs my coffee and hands it to me. "Aren't you.. the demon prodigy?" I back away slowly, shocked. How does he know.. who I am? "Uhm, I can't disclose that information to anybody outside of the Port Mafia. Sorry, Nakahara." He also goes in shock, "... How do you know my name?" Well, at this time, it's really awkward. I can't tell him how much I know because I guess I would look like a creepy stalker guy or something. "Because you're a sheep member, and I know all of the sheep members."
Now, I don't look like a creepy stalker. I'm so happy, I got this all overthrough.

February 6th, 2006

I go back to the coffee shop to find Yuan clinging to him like a koala. I hope to God they aren't dating. I order my usual, and he slips a card in my pocket. It's a card with his name and number on it. But, of course, I already know this information. Whatever.

After work, I call him. "Hello?" He picks up on the first ring. It's like he was expecting my call. I almost squeal in excitement. "Hello? Nakahara?" He laughs, his laugh is so cute. "No need for formalities. Call me Chuuya." I smile over the phone. I really really love him. He's the man of my dreams, "You're so cute, Chuuya." I accidentally say, I slip up. I hope he isn't mad. "..What? Haha... you're serious?" I don't know what to say. I don't know whether to lie or tell the truth. "Yes, I am serious. I'm sorry for saying that." "I don't mind, you're cute as well. I was fighting the urge to call you cute the other times you bumped into me." I squeal. I hate this, I don't want him to know I love him. But, for some reason, I don't think he'd mind. I'm his little stalker boy.

We were on call for an hour, and I'm sad he left. I think I shared too much. But, he doesn't care

February 8th, 2006

We've went on many dates. Or.. as he calls it hangout sessions. I'm not really sure that they're dates, but in my perspective they are.

I think I'm truly in love, well I've always been in love with him. He's just making it hard for me to keep it in, I just want him so bad, and I want him in me bad. His little suggestive comments he sometimes makes, God it makes me crazy. I want to see his face when he cums, then is tired from pounding me. His little pants and whimpers would make me insane. I can't keep my hands off of him everytime I see him.

February 10th, 2006

I hate him. I really hate him, I hate his face and how he talks down on me all the time. I'm not his dog. I found out him and Yuan were dating, why can't that be me? I hate her, and I hate him. I hope they're happy together, and I hope they die together soon. I think he's transferring to the mafia soon. God, I hope they don't put us together in the same room. This is my room, and he doesn't need to see my room. He doesn't need to read this little diary I keep either. Then he would know my true feelings, but my true feelings are hatred for him. I don't feel any lust or love for him, I do feel lust for him but that's it. I can't bear the thought of him actually dating me. I want him dead, and I hope he kills himself soon. But, he isn't the type to be suicidal. The only scars I seen him have are from corruption. He doesn't have the eyes of an angel, he has the eyes of a devil. I want to see him dead, with his head on the floor, and his body right next to him. I want to see him beheaded. No... I need to stop with these fantasies. This is wrong, and my feelings for him are wrong.

February 13th, 2006

I buy him something, for Valentins day, really I hope he likes it. Such a cute face deserves the world. Now, we go to the coffee shop together, instead of me just going alone. I love him, and I wish Yuan could just go away, I love you, Chuuya. My sweet boy, I want him to hug me forever and forever!! <333!! I love texting him, he sends really cute texts that make my heart explode!! I love him I love him forever!! When he transfers to the mafia I want him in my room!! I promised to Mori I wouldn't do anything to him in his sleep.. but I'm not a creep anyway. He gets me so worked up, I want him to show me what he can really do!! I want to be left in escasty, while he's on top of me and.... But what if he reads what I write about him? Ahhhh.... I just love his little face sooooooooo much!!! I want to squeeze his guts out!!!

February 14th, 2006 00:04 AM.

I text Dazai, I don't know why he isn't answering me. I bought him so much stuff for Valentines day, and I want him to be my Valentine. He is so cute, really. I think he's obsessed with me, but really, I am too.

February 14th, 2006 08:35 AM.

I show up at his door, after going back to sleep. I really shouldn't go to sleep so late. I haven't heard from him, I guess he went to sleep early. I have his bear, and a sign that says "I love you, cutie." And, his favorite candy. I love him, so much. I find his door unlocked, so I just barge in. God, his house is so messy. What even happened here? I set my stuff down and take my shoes off. This is a hell house, and no real person could actually live here. I find a book open to the last entry, yesterday. What is this about... what and what? I didn't even know he had been stalking me, God. I'm so disgusted. I ignore it for now, and then I walk into his room, and see him lying on the floor with empty pill bottles next to him. His wrists, I've never seen them without bandages, but I just now saw them. It looks like he done this yesterday, his wrists and neck is all cut up, and his body is cold. I don't know why, but I start to cry. I had no feelings for him, so I don't know why I'm so sad. I lied. I've always loved him, even from the beginning. I'm sorry, I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't have been better.