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Yuamu is regretting a lot of things these days. It feels surprising, in a way. She thought she understood regret upon witnessing Yuga’s memories. They were filled with an emotion she couldn’t name and thought ah, that is it. This is why Yuga is so desperately trying to change everything. This is why she should go in his stead. Somebody has to, before loneliness becomes too big.
She was so, so wrong.
Regret, it turns out, is hearing Yuhi’s laugh that doesn’t sound like him. Always too long, always too high. It’s hearing him talking. He doesn't speak like a boy she grew up with. He speaks like he has never worried in his life. It’s trying to blend in for him, praying that he won’t notice her anymore, because what comes out of his lips is never Yuamu’s name. Instead, it's Dark Meister. An insult like no other. A complete stranger. Regret is the sea, so unfathomable black and devoid of life or colours. Nothing like Dark Matter Empire. It's the opposite of the space, which she knows by now. Nothing grows here, there's no sight of movement. There's regret. And you. You. Always you, for this is one place you cannot escape from.
Eating, a human obligation to its body, isn’t something that comes easy to her anymore. Everytime she tries to pick up anything, the picture shows up in her head. Yuhi, slowly, ever so slowly, falling down. There are no words in this vision. There is no need for them. Her stomach ends up being squeezed and feeling foreign anyway. Nausa became her natural companion, even more than Kuyamuya. If she tries to eat, the taste is nonexistent. Everything is a bile in her throat, one that she cannot swallow.
So, there is a question. A little riddle for little Yuamu, who is just a little girl whose older brother decided to kill himself just for her, when she easily could have taken his hand. Does she still want to be in the world? Where she's a regrettable failure?
Kuyamuya doesn't take no for an answer. That's why both of them are standing next to each other, trying to find something interesting to eat in vending machines. Goha Corporation offers a surprisingly large choice of food for its employees. Yuamu isn’t one, not really, but she still can use it. The system must have belonged to the Mutsuba family. Like many other things, Yuna decided to take it as her own. It reminds her of the valley where they used to wait for Yuga to show up to get his favourite food, before, before, the truth, before-
There are a lot of curry bread options (which makes Yuamu sick just looking at it), sushi packs (no sushi rolls, though), ramen, and many different drinks and sweets. She tries to consider something, but nausea comes, her everlasting companion. It makes her sway a little, like a leaf.
Yuamu doesn’t fail to notice the lack of udon.
(Yuna, just what are you…)
Kuyamuya meows. Yuamu gets mitarashi-dango. Kuyamuya stops meowing and instead stands proudly, like her master did something incredible and should be proud of herself. She doesn’t know dango isn’t a proper food, just a sweet thing to eat in free time. A parent in her stead would be mad. That's no dinner!, Tazaki-san would say.
What a good cat.
Yuamu doesn't have many places where she can be. Her room, certainly; seeing the same, familiar walls again is such a good idea when she already feels bad. The city is out for her too; she doesn't believe there is anyone left who would have welcomed her. Maybe Yudias. And if Yudias happened to be nearby…
Instead, she goes to the only green space available. It should be impossible for it to exist in the Goha Corporation building. Regadless, it does. Yuamu doesn't dwell on it. The day is nice, too. Despite her awful mood, the sun is bright and warm. Immediately, she decided to hide in the shade on the grass. After spending so much time in space, after being Dark Meister, the sun doesn't bring comfort.
She looks at her dango. Three little pieces in a small cardbox, waiting for her to pick up the skewer and put them in her mouth. The brown sauce is glimmering, promising rich flavour. Yuamu doesn't have to do much. She has to hold it, then eat it. Simple as that. The longer she waits, the more space the sauce starts occupying. Slowly, but surely, it tries to take over the entire box. She wonders if it will stop. Or when.
Kuyamuya gently stirs her.
Yuamu should eat it.
“What’cha doing?”
She almost drops food. There is another shade, just behind her. Next second, Yuhi takes place alongside her, not caring about her opinion at all. Yuamu freezes. His presence is all wrong.
“Hellooo, Dark Meister? Me, the great Otes, is talking to you!”
Yuhi. Yuhi. Yuhi. It’s Yuhi’s voice. But it isn’t. Her head is spinning.
“E-eating.” Go away, she begs in her thoughts. She can’t feel Kuyamuya nearby anymore. She must have gone away. Yuamu doesn't blame her. Can't.
“Eating, huh.” Yuhi hums. There is nothing malicious about him, and maybe that's the worst. He's curious, simply, maybe a little too curious to pass as her brother, but she can remember Yuhi being like this sometimes. Asking simple questions, waiting for simple answers, with a small smile reserved for her and Yudias. He, Otes, isn't like that. Gentleness doesn't exist, but in its place there is something she doesn't know how to name. “You’re not really eating.” he notices. Observation, not a concern. A specimen, not a sister.
Yuhi, he would... Maybe he wouldn't notice. Or, he would, and he would get worried and try to mask it using a dumb joke, before getting really worried and asking what's wrong, Yuamu?
The box with dango on her knees is moving. She's trembling.
“I’m…” She doesn’t know what to say. “... Getting ready.”
“Getting ready to eat? You’re quite funny, aren’t you, Dark Meister?”
She doesn't answer.
Otes, not Yuhi, she needs to learn that, takes it as an invitation to take the only food she could decide on from her. The box looks awkward in his hand. He must think so too, as he decides to look at from all the sides. He hums sometimes, like it actually provides all the answers he needs. Soon, he stops being interested in it and instead starts to lightly touch dango with his fingers, trying to feel its texture. Only then he takes the skewer and puts dango in his mouth. The sauce escapes it, leaving a smudge on his chin.
Yuma could have tried stoppping him.
She doesn't.
“It's bland,” Yuhi comments with finality, after chewing for a long time. There is another if of her life, if it was her brother, she would have started arguing. Dango with no taste? There is no such thing! And she wouldn't really have a strong opinion on the subject, neither would Yuhi, but that wouldn't matter, because the argument had started and no one would give up before one of them would win. Yudias's would be full of confusion, but he would start laughing despite it. “And all humans eat…” Yuhi adds, thoughtful, in a way that doesn't feel like him but surely feels like Otes.
A human more alien than any aliens.
“Aliens, too. It's what living beings do.” It's a neutral statement. Yuamu is full of them, these days.
Yuhi turns to her. He must be looking at her, but she can't be sure, not with a mask in a way. For once, he doesn't smile. He doesn't seem mocking, either.
“Living beings,” he repeats, a neutral statement from him, too. He suddenly grins, the way he, Otes, always does. It makes her heart shake in not a good way. “You're entertaining, aren't you, Dark Meister?” He jumps to his feet. A perfect opportunity to start towering over her, so of course he does that. “What else do living beings? Something? Is that their something?”
In the reflection of the mask, Yuamu can see her eyes getting bigger and bigger out of fear.
Yuhi, Otes, huffs, and steps back.
“I need to investigate this food thing more.” There is excitement in his voice. Almost like Damamu's. “I'd ask for your assistance, but…” Yuhi once again takes her in. It's an uncomfortable feeling, because for a moment he stops grinning, instead seeming almost... disappointed? “Nah, Zwi will be better.”
Yuamu tightens her fist. Zuwijo, better than her?
“I haven't seen anyone crying yet." Yuhi pokes his chin. "But that's totally you, right? Crying? Almost crying?”
There, Yuamu, say something. He isn't right. He can't be right. She's shivering. She hasn't eaten in longer than she ever went without food in her life. Her other half isn't her other half anymore. The shade is colder than it was just mere seconds ago. She's alone. Even Kuyamuya left her.
Yuhi sighs deeply. A bored man in a boring world.
“Thought so. But…” He trails off and looks at her again. “I wonder, are you mourning, Dark Meister? When we're winning?”
He leaves after that.