Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

ANNOUNCER
Josh Hutcherson

BLUEBALLS-20
Dazai
Fyodor
Chuuya
Poe
Ranpo
Kazuha
Tighnari
Dottore
Hutao
Joseph
Caesar
Eren Jaegar
Zeke Jaeger
Erwin
The Rock Johnson
Matpat
Gojo
Goofy
Tom Nook
Jesus

REDTOES-20
Nikolai
Sigma
Scaramouche
Itto
Cyno
Neuvillette
Jotaro
Giorno
Dio
Levi Ackerman
Hange
Joel
Glenn
Negan
Freddy Fazbear
Boothill
Markiplier
Sampo
John Smith
Choso

Chapter Text

The class lined the walls of the gym, in blue and red jerseys, everyone looked like they were sweating….scared. The dodgeballs were laid out in the middle of the room… ready to be thrown. This was COCK Academy's annual REQUIRED dodgeball tournament…not everyone was fit for the job…but they had to do it.

“Psst–”
-Poe

“What?”
-Ranpo

“Who do you think is gonna die first?”
-Poe

Little do they know, anyone who gets out frfr dies…

“That guy with the red horns honestly… he looks like he'd be stup–”
-Ranpo

Ranpo paused, as he heard the tune for the announcements..

“Hello everyone!! Welcome to the Annual COCK ACADEMY DODGEBALL TOURNAMENT!!!! Make sure you said goodbye to your family!! Because they gonna be LONGGGGG GONE after this one!!! Heehoo!! The games will start momentarily,, so get your rocks on cocks!!! Over and Out!

The corrupted principal, Josh Hutcherson cackled with enthusiasm as he rummaged over the announcements again.

“Hey hey! One more thing!! I forgot to introduce our teams!! RedToes!!!! And BlueBalls!!---CUT”

Dazai smirked looking down at his blueball jersey proudly, and looked… almost excited?

“I can commit suicide!!! I can finally fucking kms!!! In this dumb game!!”

“Fucking Finally…”-Chuuya

“God, you're so negativeeee chuuuuyaaaa.”

Meanwhile, over in RedToes

“UGHHHGHHHGGGHH I'M NOT WITH FYODOR….wait no that's good I can kill him heheheheyreyeru3”
-Nikolai

Sigma sighed, disappointed looking in the far distance, at the blueballs team.

Glenn was standing, arms crossed, when suddenly some dude named Negan came up to him.

“Do you like baseball bats?”

“...uhm”

“well you’re gonna like lucille today boy 😼”

Negan winked at him, putting a baseball bat on his shoulder, with the name “Lucille” chipped into it.

Suddenly a portal appeared behind him.

“Need some barbed wire??”

Nikolai intervened.

“HOLY SHIT WHERE DID THIS JESTER COME OUT OF”

“Idk my moms vagina, anyways…”

The portal disappeared, but left a stack of barbed wire.

“that guy is a little creepy”

Negan retracted.

“Is it because he's a jester or because he appeared behind you?”

Glenn raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, dumbass my man opened a portal.”-N

Negan laughed at Glenn like it was a real knee slapper, then it was left in silence until Glenn spoke up.

“I heard somebody has gravity powers or some shit.”

Glenn added nonchalantly.

“Well he better get ready for my massive cockin action, baby!”

The Announcements Came On

“GET READY FOLKS!!! THIS BOUTA BE FANTASTIC…!!!”

Josh Hutcherson screamed over the announcements.

Sigma started panicking..

“Am I gonna die???”

The ground started shaking as Josh started counting down from ten.

“Fasten your seatbelts!! We are in for a rideeee!! 10, 9, 8,”

“RANPO WTF DO WE DO???!!!!?! I DONT WANNA DIE… KARLS ALONE RIGHT NOW RANPO AHGA2XRCTHV”

Poe is shaking Ranpo aggressively back and forth.

“HEAHEEAJHHH 6, 5, 4,,”

“That gravity dude gonna feel the gravitational pull of my long schlong!”

“3, 2, 1, GOOOOO”

Some stayed where they started, some ran for the balls until suddenly…

BONK!

“URGHH,,, THAT HURT… COMPADRE HELP ME…”

The Red Oni Looked up, to see a white haired man with a blindfold.

“Yo wai mo”

In seconds, Itto was shot in the ass with a dodgeball,,,, he then fell into a hole of onikabuto, which ate him alive

“GUYS NO… COMPADRES THIS ISN'T YOU… STOP THAT HURTS AHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHH”

After that, it became a warzone… people were hiding, dodging, crying, running, laughing…

“STAR PLATINUM….ORA ORA OR—--”

A dodgeball that was thrown by Star Platinum ricocheted off the wall so fast it decapitated Jotaro..

“OH… MY… GOD…”

Joseph howled, as he tried throwing dodgeballs at Ranpo

“Asshole! I am NOT dying. First I have too much to live for, my agency and all!”

Ranpo counterpartted

“Yeah right, pipsqueak.”

Joseph replied, even though he's taller than everyone.

A portal suddenly appeared on the ceiling

“Is anyone ready for a game?? A pop-quiz?”

The so called ‘Jester’ yelled down from above.

“I DONT GOT TIME FOR YO GAMES”

The Rock Johnson threw a rock at Nikolai, but he dodged it.

“Hahah!!! Loser it went through my port—”

BLOOD CURDLING RUSSIAN screams could be heard.

“F-F-F-F-FYODOR??!!??”

THE ROCK TURNED AROUND TO SEE A GIANT ROCK HIT A RUSSIAN MAN W A USKANDA.

“😱”

The man was smiling, as he got eaten alive by rats.

“This is getting interesting..”

He said, taking his final breath

The Rock looked back up to see the JESTER fucking screaming at him

“SUK SUKS SUKA SUKAAA SUAKSUS SUAK”

“NOONE KNOWS WHAT YOUR SAYING DUMBASS”

Negan yelled up at the ceiling, until he saw a figure… a short figure.. glowing red.

“WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT SHORT ASS THING”

“I'M NOT A THING, GODDAMMIT!!!”

The short red ginger thing with a fedora yelled at him, touching a part of the wall and started walking on it.

“IS THAT THE GRAVITY MOTHERFUCKER??”

Chuuya got closer to Negan.

“I, AM, NOT, THAT SHORT.”

The ginger shrieked, throwing dodgeballs at Negan, which ended up hitting Freddy Fazbear.”

“Har har Har Har Har Har Har Har Har Har Har Har Har Har Har Har har HAR”

The bear exploded into smithereens, like legos, as Matpat and Markiplier gasped, while Dazai was clapping, while clapping his cheeks.

In a matter of seconds…. Markiplier got a pill bottle, and a dodgeball and stuffed it down his throat, annihilating him, as the pills and dodgeball acted like mentos in a can of soda.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

Matpat gasped….hands over his mouth in shock…