Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Good fucking job Myunggi. What could’ve been a nice little conversation bringing Minsu back to their side had instead turned into a full out brawl in the men’s bathroom. Minsu was long gone, and the sound of bodies beating bodies onto hard tile filled the closed space. Namgyu’s head spins, either from whatever high he had petering off or from the fact that he’s been knocked into the floor and walls at least three times already. He’s not an awful fighter. He’s just used to playing dirty, and following the lead of larger guys. Much larger guys. Namgyu is as skinny as you’d think a druggie to be, and being weak and shaped like a girl gets him more tips, so he just avoids fights instead of getting buff. If he can’t avoid them, he just brings a knife. Playing dirty, remember?

There’s no playing dirty here, though. No pocket knife, no keychain mace, not even his shitty drop-shipped kubotan. He isn’t close enough to Thanos either, so he can’t run to him for help or expect him to give any back up. Surely he has something-

Namgyu takes a rough knee to the abdomen, and is quite painfully reminded of the silverware in his pocket as it’s pushed into him by the offending knee. “Motherfucking- SHIT” he growls and swings his right fist into the other guys jaw, and hears a particularly nasty crack when he makes contact. Luckily, it was the old guy’s jaw popping out of place and not his knuckles breaking. The pained yell that escapes the man’s mangled face fills him with pride, the warmth of it spreads through his chest like a long swig of soju. God, he’s too fucking sober for this. Namgyu fishes out the—now horrifically bent—fork from his pocket and reels back to lodge it in the fucker’s neck.

Before he makes contact though, he’s shoved back by someone else. He stumbles back, quickly regaining his footing but losing it again shortly when he’s pushed back even harder. Thrown, almost. He feels like he gets a little air time, and wonders if he looks a bit like a muppet as he flails.

Any amusement floods straight out of him the moment he makes impact with the bathroom sinks. He had twisted when he fell backwards, and apparently the second shove was perfectly placed to send him ribs-first into white porcelain. There’s a loud, piercing yell that makes his head spin and vision swim, and suddenly the fighting seems quieter than before. The tiled wall is solid against his back but it’s of no comfort at all. Pain radiates through him, and he can’t even breathe without feeling like he’s being branded with a cattle prod. Someone was crying, loud enough for him to hear it despite his haziness, and he wants to laugh but his entire body is frozen in shock. There’s some more shouting, but the fighting seems to have stopped. The green blurs have stopped moving but shift as a figure over takes his field of vision, and now that they’re close, he can see a familiar head of purple hair kneeling in front of him.

Thanos is speaking to him, but he has no clue what he’s saying. He’s not even speaking in English this time, Namgyu genuinely just can’t focus enough to understand him. His body won’t move even though he wants it to, and he’s breathing fast and short like some mutt with heat stroke. A cough bubbles out of him, and with it comes a warm liquid that floods his mouth with a coppery taste. Everything is fuzzy and blurred and who the fuck is crying so loud?

He coughs again and it’s getting harder to breathe, but his vision clears up just a bit for him to see Thanos’ face. There’s a unique look of dread, or maybe actual fear in the rapper’s eyes. When Namgyu opens his mouth to ask ‘The fucks wrong with you?’, he wheezes, cries out, and finally realizes that he was the one who had been crying like a baby. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

He was fucking dying. The impact with the sink must’ve broken a rib and punctured his lung. Which means he’s about to drown in his own blood. Fuck man, he didn’t even get to see Thanos kill that stupid bitch MG Coin. Did Thanos even kill him? His eyes dart around and he realizes they’re the only people left in the bathroom. There aren’t even any bodies. Namgyu went and got himself killed for nothing. Whatever noises he made when his rib was broken must’ve startled everyone enough for them to stop fighting, since they had really only just started. Whatever Thanos had been yelling about probably made them even more inclined to give up and leave.

If he was dying and no one else had been killed in the fight, that’s one less vote for O. One less ‘yes’ and no losses for ‘no’ meant that tomorrow, after they vote again, everyone would get sent home. It’s almost embarrassing that Namgyu is such a consistent fuck up that he’ll fuck over his friends even after he’s dead. The guilt of the debt makes his heart squeeze more than the lack of oxygen he’s getting.

“‘m sorry-“ the pitiful apology is punctuated by another cough that splatters crimson across his front. He can see the speckles of it on Thanos’ shirt. More blood gurgles out of his throat and he can’t control the choking and coughing, nor his hands as they scramble for purchase on Thanos’ shoulders.

A hand is holding his face up, pressed hard into his cheek to support the weight of his whole head. Another hands pushes his hair behind his ear, and he forces himself to focus in on the person in front of him. Thanos looks angry, but his eyes are big and wet and he looks like a sad puppy.

“Shut the fuck up you fucking idiot, don’t waste your breath.” It’s crude, rude, and really something you shouldn’t say to someone actively dying. He doesn’t expect anything else from Thanos. At least the jizz stain actually cares about him enough to sit with him while he shuffles his way towards hell. “C’mon man, just- just hang in there, alright? It’ll be alright. We got more games to play, so you can’t leave yet.” The hand that had so gently fixed his hair was now holding his nape, giving the support needed for them to keep eye contact. The fingers pushed into his skin with punishing strength. It’s the least painful thing he feels right now.

“Subong?” He wheezes a bit and his eyes flutter closed. They pop back open when his neck is pinched hard.

“…Yes?” Thanos’ face is a mix of a million emotions, but what calls out the most to Namgyu is how utterly pathetic he looks. Almost like he actually cares.

“Hyung-“ he coughs again, starting up a series of wet choking that Thanos helpfully pats out of him, as if burping a baby. When he tries again, his vision is starting to fade. “Hyung, I… think I want to go now.”

“You can. We… we can both go home, but you need to make it to the next vote so we can do that. Alright? We’ll go home. But you need to stay right now. Just until they let us vote again. You’ll make it, Namgyu.” Subong is wiping stray tears from his cheek and he finally lets himself sink into the grip. They slide down a bit, until Namgyu is laid across the floor and Subong is knelt over him.

He wheezes in a poor attempt to laugh and coughs ever harder than before. He chokes and chokes and chokes and spits up more blood than he’s ever seen. But he manages a laugh. Maybe more of a scoff.

“So you do know my name.” More blood, more coughing, and it’s getting harder to see. The ugly purple blur of Subong’s head is still right there above him. He grabs the hand holding his face and it tenses under his palm.

“Don’t let me,” more choking, “die this way. I need-“ more blood, “you to do it.”

“Wh-“

“Kill me.”

Chapter Text

His clothes are covered in blood. His hands are soaked similarly, and they shake worse than an earthquake. When the guards had come into the bathroom, he didn’t move an inch. Not until they stuck a gun in his face and forced him to. They let him watch as they packed up Namgyu’s body, either because they didn’t think he’d do anything or they just didn’t care. He had already taken Namgyu’s few personal items, his rings and the simple chain he’d worn. They didn’t ask for them back.

They also didn’t ask for the bent fork still clutched in his hand. It was red instead of silver, completely stained by his friend’s blood. It feels like his only lifeline. He isn’t sure what he wants to do with it except maybe keep it and plunge it into whoever looks at him next. He adds it to his pocket.

This was all MG Coin’s fault. If that little bitch had just minded his own business, there wouldn’t have been a fight, and Namgyu wouldn’t be… gone.

He’s disgustingly sober now, wishing that he was anywhere else. Preferably the bottom of the Han River. He needs to get out.

He has his cross clicked open before he even registers, and his hands tremble as he presses another pill against his tongue. He pauses when he tastes the iron that still covered his hands. When he drags the finger away from his mouth, his tongue darts out to collect the smudge of blood left on his lips. The last pieces of Namgyu now coating him outside and inside.

The door is knocked open before he can make another stupid decision.

“Please make your way back to the dormitory.” The guard at the door is flanked by a few more guards with cleaning supplies. He doesn’t argue with them. Their eyes watch him as he makes his way out of the bathroom and it feels like tv static dancing along his skin. Though that could be the pill he just took. The corridors are seemingly empty but he can still feel the eyes on him, so he makes his way back with no complaints or detours. At the door a guard offers him a change of clothes and he takes it with half a nod. When he enters, the room is suddenly much quieter.

“Player 124 Eliminated.”

Great fucking timing.

Every face he sees when he looks around looks terrified of him. There’s a couple that don’t reflect it exactly, but he knows the fear lies just underneath. There’s some pity, some shock, some anger. Myunggi’s guilty eyes are what make him break.

“What the fuck are you losers looking at?!” The shout makes a few people flinch, and he watches Myunggi’s head snap away from him, wishing that maybe it would just snap off of him instead. He turns to the rest of the room so they can get a taste of his anger. “See something you like? Huh?? Don’t I look good? Think I look sexy like this?!” He ignores the way people start to look less afraid and more pitying. He doesn’t need their fucking pity.

“Thanos.”

The voice catches him off guard, and he whips around to find Semi standing near him. Minsu is cowering behind her. Their red ‘X’s stand out against the tealish green of their filthy tracksuits. She looks forcibly calm, if not a little cautious, as if she were in the enclosure with a zoo animal. He takes a steps towards her, screwing up his shoulders to make himself bigger. Minsu takes a step back but Semi stands firm.

“Sit down with us.” It’s an order. Thanos has the wits about him to be insulted she’d talk to him that way. He also knows that he doesn’t have many other options.

“He’s dead.” It’s like a stab to the throat to even say it.

“We know.”

“I killed him.”

“Did you?”

She’s not actually asking if he did it. Semi’s trying to prove to him something he can’t grasp yet. He nods dumbly, and she holds her hand out to him. Blood smears across her pale skin when he takes it. Deep crimson on white canvas. He shudders.

Semi leads him to the spot she had moved to, and Minsu stands to the side, avoiding him. They all stay silent for a while before the quivering boy speaks up.

“I’m sorry-“

“Shut up.” Thanos cuts him off quickly, twisting his head around to look at the timid boy. “I don’t need to hear whatever it is you feel like you need to say. Sure, you’re a fucking coward, but everything that happened in there had nothing to do with you. Unless you wanna fess up to something?” Minsu shakes his head and stares down at his hands, wringing them nervously as he always does. “Nothing else to say, boy?” Another head shake. Thanos rolls his eyes and sighs, plopping down onto the nearest bunk. He hangs his head, burying his face in the new jacket and pants they had given him, wishing he could just disappear. For the first time in a long time, being looked at doesn’t feel very nice.

There’s a tap on his shoulder, and when he looks up Semi is standing in front of him. “Get changed. We’ll cover you.” She’s demanding, and it makes his eye twitch, which she must notice. “You’re covered in blood. It’s unsanitary and it’s kind of unsettling. Sad maybe.” She pauses and takes a deep breath, “… you know that shit stain won’t disappear from existence just because you aren’t covered in him.” It’s wrong to curse at the dead, but none of them say anything about it. Namgyu is a bit of a shit stain. Or was. He shakes his head as if trying to shake the thought out of it, and watches Minsu and Semi stand beside the bunk to shield him.

He slides his soiled jacket off first and uses it to clean a majority of the blood off his skin. It’s crusted in some places and comes off in brownish flakes. Deep in his gut, he almost wants to keep it. Instead, he reaches into the right pocket to grab Namgyu’s rings and chain, slipping them on himself. Tossing the jacket to the floor, he slides his shoes and pants off and leaves them in a pile. He slips on the new pants quickly and keeps the clean jacket off.

“I’m done.” He stands and faces Semi and Minsu, who turn to face him back. They both look at him with expressions fit for a stray dog. If either of them notice the two new rings on his left hand, they don’t make it obvious. “Look good?” He manages a sleezy grin at Minsu, who had been staring at his arms. It’s understandable, since that was the first time he’d been without his jacket and he was actually decently muscular. Though his arms were also littered in scars all the way up and down. Minsu squeezes his hands and looks away, blushing.

Semi gives him a weak smirk in response, “You look like shit.” and it’s true and rude as fuck but it makes him laugh a little. It manages to make all three of them smile. They shuffle around a bit and all sit on the stairs, Semi and Minsu together on the step above him. It’s peaceful and quiet. Too quiet for his racing thoughts.

“I did kill him, by the way.” His voice sounds pathetic as he chokes on the words, “put him down like a dog. He… asked me to. He didn’t want to suffer.” The image of Namgyu’s pale face against his hands makes his entire body flinch, and a gentle hand touches his shoulder. Subong can feel wetness on his face and he willfully ignores his own tears. When he finally manages it, he speaks with a sob, “It was so fucking stupid. One of those fuckers pushed him into the sink and it broke his ribs or something, punctured his lungs. He was just fucking-“ he sobs loudly and slams a fist against his leg, grounding himself with the pain. “He was laying there just fucking dying and they didn’t even bother to stick around to watch. Fucking cowards.”

He’s so embarrassed that he wants to curl up and die, but he’s high enough that he can’t really stop anymore. The hand, more than likely Semi’s, slowly starts to rub his back, and he soaks in the feeling of someone touching him with kindness for what feels like the first time in his life. The tears continue to flow, and he keeps sobbing, hands fisted in his pants.

He had killed people already, and he justified it for himself because just like him, they were ready to die anyway and he knew it. It was all worth it when he was so close to restoring his life to how it used to be. The fame, the attention, the respect. The love. A phone call from his mom twice a week. That girl was shot in front of him. He shoved a few strangers to see how they’d die. Gyeongsu failed to find a room because he kicked him down, just because he wanted to play around. Their deaths failed to matter to him. They were just the steps to getting what he wanted, and he always got what he wanted.

Subong wanted Namgyu.

Namgyu wasn’t supposed to die. There was always so much life in him, a sort of calculated carelessness that Subong envied and admired. Subong was ready to die before the games even started. How was it fair that he lived and Namgyu died? How could that be justified? Those cowards who wanted to go home because they were afraid to die didn’t think for a second that maybe everyone was afraid to die.

When the recruiter showed up, he was already halfway done convincing himself to save it for another time. There was a mom and her daughter on the bridge that day. There was a couple, a man walking his dog, and a kid listening to music. How could he be selfish and ruin their day by killing himself? So he turned to leave and ran right into the man in a suit. The man offered him a game. Thanos could never resist a game. So, here he is.

Life is so fucking unfair.

He’s starting to lose control of his breathing, and he tries hard to reign himself back in because having a panic attack while high may be one of the worst experiences in the world.

“Thanos, you need to breathe.” Semi chides him and he scoffs a bit.

“I’m fucking trying” he grits out. His hands start up, finding their familiar place against his forearms and digging the nails in. The scratching is relieving in a way he can’t describe. It feels like he’s scrubbing himself clean of a dirt no one can see.

“Lights out is in 20 minutes” the intercoms buzzes to life and startles them, Semi’s hand going still against his back and Minsu jumping hard enough to rattle the stair. It finally gives him a chance to calm down. They fall into silence as his breathing returns to normal.

“What’s… going on?” Minsu frowns as he looks around the room.

“What do you mean?” Thanos turns to watch his face, “it’s bed time. Lights out. You know, sleepy night night?” Semi laughs a little but Minsu shakes his head, his brown furrowing.

“Look,” he points to the other side of the dorm, where the O team had started piling up together, “and they’re doing it over here too…” he points at the X members who had gathered around, the crazy 456 guy included.

“…they’re planning something. All of them.” Semi eyes dart between the groups, trying to decipher what could be happening within them. Subong has a feeling he already knows.

“When the lights go out, we need to hide.” He turns and wills them to understand so he doesn’t have to explain the growing lump in his chest. Semi and Minsu thankfully get it, or simply don’t question him.

There’s 10 minutes until lights out when they descend the stairs to find a bunk on the bottom level, one closer to the room divide. If the Os were just going for Xs, they were unlikely to look behind themselves, so they would make a dash for the O side once the room went dark. At the bottom of the stairs, someone stops them. Player 388, the dork with masculinity issues. He waves and smiles awkwardly, and Thanos steps forward to block him from Semi and Minsu. The guy was fairly harmless, but Subong wasn’t taking any chances.

“Can we help you?” Thanos leers at him, and Baeho, or whatever his name is, jumps as if suddenly remembering he had something to do.

“Ah! I um- uh, I just wanted to warn you guys.” Baeho’s face drops into something more serious, but his nerves are still obvious in his voice. He leans in to whisper, “There’s going to be a riot when the lights go out, and you should hide.”

Thanos raises an eyebrow, unimpressed. He nods and doesn’t try to hide his voice when he replies, “We know.”

“You.. know?”

“It wasn’t exactly subtle…” Semi jumps in, peeking around Thanos’ shoulder “both sides were grouping up; the Os want more money, the Xs need more votes to leave. We’re staying out of it.” God, Subong loves commanding women. Minsu should be kissing the ground Semi walks on for forgiving him. Thanos should be too, 10 times more so than Minsu, but they’ll have time for that when they get out of this hell hole.

“Well…” Baeho physically deflates so hard he looks like a cartoon. His mouth opens and closes a few times but it’s like he just can’t get himself to talk back to a girl. At least he’s respectful. He finally gets the nerve to try again “I won’t ask you to fight during lights out but…” he turns his attention completely onto Thanos, zeroed in and determined. “We want you to help us ambush the guards.”

“What-?”

“Hell no he won’t help you!”

“…why?” Minsu and Semi are staring at the back of his head like he’s an alien, and Thanos keeps his gaze locked with 388. “Why should I help you? I voted for everyone to die earlier. What makes you think I care?”

The ex-marine’s gaze turns into a glare, more of frustration than anger “well we just thought that since you were on our side now with your friends, you’d want to help us and protect them! It’s your chance to get justice for your boyfriend and-“

Thanos grabs the front of his jacket and yanks him forward until their noses almost touch “Shut the fuck up about him. I’m not on your damn side and neither are they. This is Thanos side, and we’re going the fuck home tomorrow morning when the vote is retaken. I’ll defend my team if I have to, but I’m not going on a suicide mission for-“ He drops the guys jacket to do exaggerated air quotes, “‘justice’. Namgyu had shit he needed taken care of, and I’m gonna get outta here alive and do that for him. I owe him that much.” He pushes 388 away from him, and the man stumbles back just a bit. “So get lost, Baeho”

He turns to walk away with his standard flare, and barely catches the low grumble from behind them.

“It’s Daeho…”

When he looks to Semi and Minsu, they both look pretty upset at him for causing a scene yet again. He’s slipping again, becoming his regular disappointing, fuck up self. So he pauses, reconsiders, and turns his head to look at 388 over his shoulder.

“Good luck, Daeho.”

“Lights out is in five minutes.”

Thanos continues walking towards their chosen bunks, and doesn’t look behind him to check if Semi and Minsu had followed him. He passes the bunk where he had changed and stops, staring at the pile of his clothes. He doesn’t think too hard before he walks over to it and kneels to pick up his jacket. He sticks his hand in the pocket and removes the blood crusted fork. It feels heavier than it did before. Namgyu would’ve loved the chance to use it himself.

When he stands, he swipes the new jacket he had left behind from the bed, shrugging it on and sliding his weapon into its pocket in one movement. Semi and Minsu are waiting for him at the edge of the beds, and they ignore everything he had just done in favor of finding them a new spot. They settle in together and wait for the darkness to come.

“Lights out is in 10 seconds.”

“10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.”

The rooms dims, then falls dark. The only light left is the red and blue designs on the floor. Thanos watches Semi stand first, then Minsu, and stands hunkered over after he can tell they’ve started to move. When he looks to the side, he can see the O players creeping toward the center line. He watches them slink across the floor like predators, hungry for the kill. He turns back to look in front of him and can spot Semi and Minsu tucked underneath a bunk not too far away. He makes it next to the bunk, crouching to slip under the bed next to theirs, before someone grapples him from the back.

“Where do you think you’re going, huh? Fucking traitor-“ Thanos sends his elbow back as hard as he can, knocking the man off of him and thankfully away from the bunks. The man lunges for him again, and he barely grabs the raised hand in time to prevent a fork being buried into his shoulder. It’s hard to see all the movement in the dark. Thanos uses every ounce of strength that he doesn’t really have to shove the man back again. He scrambles to pull his own weapon from his pocket, pulling it out just in time to lodge it into the guys wrist. Blood sprays over him in an arc, the prongs having pierced an artery. This was probably the worst high of his life, which is saying something.

The man is yelling in pain, and it’s so grating on his ears that he doesn’t even think before he pulls his fork out to lodge it in the center of the man’s throat. Now, the only noise escaping the man is gurgling air. There are lights flashing and his entire body feels numb as his mind fills in blanks of the strangers struggling body with images of Namgyu.

Namgyu is staring at him, eyes wide and pleading but betrayed by his face covered in blood. The choking is vile, and he coughing up enough blood that it flows out of his mouth like waterfall.

It’s not real. That’s not Namgyu. Hes’s high, his mind is playing tricks on him. He needs to get away.

His feet guide him backwards, but the lights are disorienting, and he falls hard on his ass. When he looks to his right, Minsu’s terrified face looks back at him. It sends a jolt through him, the fear setting off a cascading rockslide of terror ripping through his body. Where was Semi? He can’t breathe, and he squeezes his own neck as he forces himself up again. He can see her just a few feet away, but there’s someone else on top of her.

Subong doesn’t waste a second, leaning down to snatch his fork from the now unmoving man at his feet. In two steps he’s on top of Semi’s attacker, throwing the man off and to the side. His knee makes hard contact with the floor as he throws himself on top of the O player, but the high and the adrenaline make the pain completely numb to him. The flashing lights bounce off the silverware held high above his head, and with a yell he sinks it into man’s eye, pushing harder and harder until he’s sure it’s broken his eye socket and made it to his brain.

The dizziness seeps into him, and he falls to the side, holding himself up with his arm. Then the pain starts, spreading from the side of his neck. He reaches up to find the spot, and his fingers touch metal before they reach his skin. The fucker had gotten him before he’d died.

The laugh that bubbles out of him sounds absolutely insane but he feels more like himself than he has in years. The great Thanos, missing and presumed dead. Choi Subong, who died protected someone he hardly knew. Yeah, sounds about right. He slumps the rest of the way to the floor and he knows exactly what it felt like. He knows what it was like for Namgyu to lay there, in pain, dying slowly.

Hopefully his good deed wasn’t good enough to put him too high on the list. He isn’t sure he could deal with going anywhere else without Namgyu nagging at him, and he’s pretty sure Namgyu took a one way street down below. They’re both so fucked up. It’s perfect. Subong sinks into the numbness and knows for certain that his sidekick will be waiting for him when he wakes up.