Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Frank didn’t get out much these days. The music hummed through him and he felt more like a conduit than a participant, the noise carrying through his body for the enjoyment of everyone but him. It was numbness, more than sadness, a dull sense of self that clouded his efforts to enjoy himself.

He didn’t always feel like this, but the overwhelm of a nightclub often made him feel small. The liveliness drew energy from him, the people around him so unapologetically happy that it made him cringe.

Frank knew he sounded bitter.

And really, it wasn’t all that deep.

He’d been dragged to a club on a day when he wasn’t really feeling it, and now his mind whirred with self righteous drivel, so pretentious that it too, made him cringe. He didn’t usually have such a superiority complex, but he was drunk and he didn’t want to be there. It gave way for quite the melodramatic reaction. Mikey had promised not to abandon him and had so far failed. Frank couldn’t blame him though, he was hardly the life of the party.

He’d been in a slump for weeks, and an overkill night out was his friend’s last ditch effort to cheer him up. Frank wouldn’t call it depression, more a lull of his senses, he didn’t seem to have it in him to be happy or sad.

It had crept in slowly, and now he slogged his way through his commitments, eat, work, sleep, repeat. Something about the repetition had finally gotten to him. He saw his friends around him holidaying, switching jobs, going in and out of relationships and grew ever more jealous.

Frank was the manager at a small music equipment store, he’d hit the mark, he couldn’t go further. He resented that when he’d started the job as a shop hand, he frequently travelled around to meet with exciting clients, manufacturers who cared just as much about the music as he did, and now he was perpetually at a desk. He had more money than he’d ever thought he was capable of earning and nothing at all to spend it on.

He’d turned twenty-five two months back and it was as if that had been the switch in his brain. He was bored, he felt boring. He was sure his friends found him boring too. They’d all gone to university, had tens of jobs, friends they’d fallen in and out of love with. Heck, Bert had a kid already. Frank felt utterly stagnant.

There was however a sense of hope seeping in. New Years fast approached and Frank had vowed to himself that things would change. He wanted, rather, needed to find himself again.

He was a big proponent of a resolution and his friends teased him for it, although he always saw it through, almost petulantly, and in the end they’d eat their words. He’d been looking for jobs on the down low and had finally signed up for some dating apps, something he’d always complained was beneath him. But Frank knew he’d go mad unless he untied himself completely from his shackles, he was open to anything now.

Regardless, he still didn’t want to be in that bar.

He’d half considered ditching the club scene as part of his reinvention, but he supposed that was up to the discretion of his friends, who, on a quick scan of the room, seemed to be having the time of their lives. Frank huffed to himself and stirred his drink with his straw, leaning flush against the sticky wall and eying up Mikey, who was galloping towards him.

Mikey was an odd ball. They’d met at Frank’s work when they were both nineteen, Mikey enquiring about a bass for the band he didn’t have yet but was totally gonna start. Frank was impressed by his audacity and unflinching good mood, he made a great foil to Frank’s miserable realism.

He’d met most of his current friends through Mikey and would always be grateful to him for that. Frank admired him too.

He’d never gotten into specific detail, but it seemed that Mikey’s home life in his late teens had completely fallen apart, and he carried a lot of pain with it. Some catastrophic event had happened that he wouldn’t recall, causing his parents to split, he’d moved around a lot, sleeping in cars with his mum.

But despite it, he lived fully and without concern. Frank on the other hand, had an uneventful and pleasant life, yet found himself waxing lyrical about all sorts of depressing existential questions all of the time, much to the amusement of Mikey. Frank wished he could absorb his unashamed positivity, but it had yet to rub off of him.

“Frankie!” Mikey yelled through the music, inches from Frank’s face. Frank glanced up at him with pure disinterest and Mikey laughed it off as he always did. “See her?” he grabbed Frank’s shoulder and used his other arm to point through the crowd, to a girl swaying at the bar next to Ray, grinning ear to ear with a cocktail rocking in her fingers. “Yeah?” Frank yelled back, squinting a little to get a better look. “I’m going back to hers! Can you get home okay? I know I said you could stay, but I gotta go, like, now!” Mikey sounded just as drunk as the girl looked, a match made in heaven, Frank was sure.

“Sure” Frank said, holding back a grimace. Frank was over an hour from his flat and the cab fare would be ridiculous. He’d only agreed to come out this far because he was promised a bed. “Hey! You should hook up with someone! Free bed for the night!” Mikey was still shouting through the bass of the music, his face illuminated by the quick changing coloured lights. “Whatever you say, Mikey” Frank smirked, rolling his eyes as Mikey waved him off, stumbling his way back towards the bar. Well shit, Frank thought.

He pulled out his phone and thankfully saw a few rooms going at nearby hotels, about half the price of a taxi. He’d bully Mikey into picking him up in the car in the morning, he was certain of that.

Frank found himself ordering another drink, figuring he may as well do his own thing now that he was a free agent. Ray and Pete were in the thick of it on the dance floor, completely focused and sweaty, grinding up on girls and chugging their straight liquor. Frank wished he could join them, he wished he was the sort of person who wanted to.

But he didn’t. He necked his own drink and ordered another, hoping a little buzz might see him through. Frank loved his friends, he really did, but sometimes he wondered.

They had a laugh, they seemed to understand eachother reasonably well, they’d put in effort tonight to get Frank to join them and he appreciated it, despite his discomfort. Conversations with them flowed easy and light, but on days like this, a creeping feeling that it wasn’t quite enough would paralyse Frank where he stood.

They always affirmed that they’d be there for him, for each other, but some times he’d wonder if it was all a bit surface level. He’d been crying when he’d got the invitation that day, frustrated with himself when he’d let the tears fall. Ray had talked around it over the phone and hadn’t really acknowledged it, and not one of them had checked in with him again once he’d arrived. Even Mikey’s years long perpetual avoidance to talk about anything in his life occurred to Frank when he thought like this, the whole group only seemed to want to talk about having a good time.

Frank would shake the feeling though. He knew part of this was his low mood, and he’d go months at a time where he wouldn’t think about it at all. Really, he figured was jealous of the simple way they carried themselves, although one sincere conversation from time to time wouldn’t hurt.

Frank leaned against the bar facing out into the club, Bert was absolutely no where to be seen. He sipped his drink again, scanning the room. He thought maybe if he took a leaf out of their book, shut his brain off for a while, submitted to being a bit mindless, he might cheer up. He thought then about Mikey’s half hearted suggestion to find a girl to take home, and chuckled to himself.

Frank had never been the sort but perhaps he could be. He’d had a handful of fairly short relationships in his time. A couple of real diamonds he’d lost due to apathy, and a whole host of party girls he hadn’t spent more than a couple of months with.

It was hard to meet people when he spent most of his time in places he wouldn’t choose to be. He frustrated himself that he could feel so lonely in a room full of people, a room full of his friends. Fuck it, he thought. He’d rather spend the night in a comfy apartment than a small hotel room, and the chase would kill some time at the very least.

He looked around carefully, trying not to appear too obvious. Frank didn’t really have a type and was the least judgement out of all of his friends, so he found himself quite overwhelmed by the fact that every girl he shared a glance with looked good to him. Where would you even start? Frank thought.

He tended to find attraction in a girls personality, which one couldn’t ascertain from a look. A few girls looked him up and down with a smile and he was sure he could have approached them, but the moment wouldn’t come.

There was one girl however, who Frank found himself being drawn to more than most.

She had black hair that fell to her shoulders, back combed and messy, a tight leather jacket with equally tight jeans. She looked just as out of place in a nightclub as Frank felt and he couldn’t help but be curious.

She seemed to be alone, skirting the edge of the dance floor with a drink in hand, moving her hips slowly as she people watched. Her nails were black and a smudge of eyeliner seemed to be all she wore on her face. Frank was surprised that he hadn’t noticed her before, she really did stick out like a sore thumb.

It struck Frank how intrigued he found himself, he never thought of people in these bars like this. It was usually more of a ‘wham, bam, thank you mam’ method, where he only had to think about it for a second before he’d approach someone, then determine within moments if it would lead anywhere.

But there Frank was, gawping at a stranger like a piece of meat, hoping she’d eventually look up at him. Nerves had taken him, as if she was above his usual slap dash approach. She cracked a small smile while her eyes scanned the dance floor and Frank swore he felt his heart skip a little.

Frank’s muses were firmly put on hold though when Bert’s body crashed into the side of him, laughing wildly and swinging an arm over his shoulder. “Hey, Frank!” he yelled, putting a hand on Frank’s chest. “We’re gonna head off, Ray thinks he’s gonna puke!” Frank looked over Bert’s shoulder, seeing Ray hunched over the bar with a haphazardly placed glass of water. “We’re getting a cab back to mine! You waiting for Mikey?” Bert slurred. Frank couldn’t be bothered to explain, although the idea to ask Bert to crash at his did cross his mind. But he knew with the other two in tow, that he’d be sleeping on the floor. He was sober enough for his hotel stay, he deserved it.

“Yeah! I’ll see you guys later” Frank yelled back, leaning in. He knew he wouldn’t be caught in his lie, they were all too drunk to remember. “Right on!” Bert patted his shoulder and went with Pete to scoop Ray up off of the bar. Frank watched them with a smile as they stumbled off, they did make him laugh. He pitied the driver who was scheduled to take them, if they would take them at all. Frank resumed his stance of looking out over the crowd. The girl was gone, and Frank was surprised at how disappointed he felt.

It wasn’t even that he was desperate for a lay, he was genuinely intrigued by her, he wanted to know what her deal was. He supposed that was what made him lame when it came to this. No one went to clubs to get to know people, but there he was, fantasising about taking a girl out for a coffee as if it was the sexiest thing he could think of.

Frank let out another huff and set his empty glass down, deciding to call it a night. In defence of his friends, it had been a good distraction from his whirring mind, even though he knew now for certain that he fucking hated nightclubs.

He shuffled out through the main door into the crowd of smokers, head buried in his phone while he tried to book a hotel room while walking. He paused at the corner of the building to confirm: fifty-quid pay on arrival wasn’t bad, he thought. Frank put his phone in his pocket and pulled out a cigarette for himself, lighting it up and taking a moment to acclimate to being outside. His ears rang and the sudden shock of the cold felt nice on his muggy skin. He let the relative quiet of the outdoors wash over him, the rattling music now a dull thud behind him.

Frank pulled out his phone again to double check where he was going; thankfully it was less than a five minute walk in a straight line. Just as he was about to get going, he felt a light tap on his shoulder.

“Hey” it was a man’s voice and Frank was fairly sure he was about to be asked for a lighter. He turned quickly and nearly yelped when he saw the girl standing there. Close up, her features were sharp, she was beautiful, staring back at him nervously with wide hazel eyes. The charcoal around them and her eyelashes, damn, Frank thought. “Here” a piece of paper was handed to Frank with a phone number on it; he took it without thinking.

It was only then that Frank’s drunkenness seemed to wash away in an instant. He stood there completely dumbfounded as the stranger walked away, realising all at once that the person he’d been staring at all night was a man.

His blood ran cold if only for a second, processing the pure surprise. The man was gone before Frank could call out to him, and he stood dumbly, staring at the post-it note sandwiched in between his fingers. Heart racing, he marched onwards to the hotel, the number subconsciously stuffed into his pocket.

Frank felt in a complete daze throughout check in, finally grounding himself once he sat down on the edge of his bed.

Questions fought back and forth in his head and he experienced something akin to panic. It dawned on him slowly that for some reason, it didn’t bother him at all. With that came a whole new host of conflicting thoughts that left him lying there deep in contemplation long into the night. He had never, ever, been attracted to a man, and even though he hadn’t seen the guy as he was initially, he was completely shellshocked at his reaction. It didn’t feel earth shattering. He wasn’t offended or angry.

His hot blooded male friends would have been mean with embarrassment, yet Frank had stood dead in his tracks and watched the guy walk away. Why did he still think he was pretty? Frank wracked his brain for an explanation.

He spent hours agonising over his dating history and every feeling he’d ever felt for a partner. He doubted himself, concluding over and over again that he was just drunk, that he was overreacting, that it would pass. He’d roll over on the bed and have it all come flooding back in, awake with confusion, to then try and come to the same conclusion. And repeat.

Come four in the morning, Frank got himself so wound up that he figured he wouldn’t be sleeping. He got up and wondered over to his jacket, pulling out the paper and staring at it again.

Frank thought about his life then, how he was bored and apathetic, how he promised himself change and happiness. It wouldn’t kill him to talk to the guy, would it? Maybe they’d be friends and laugh it off, maybe he’d let Frank kiss him. Frank’s cheeks burned at the thought, shocked he’d even have it. “Well, in for a pound…” he mumbled under his breath, punching the number into his phone.

With abandon he didn’t know he was capable of, he typed out a text, hovering over the send button for the longest time.

In the end, Frank concluded that he could figure out the details later, battling with himself now was doing him no good. What’s the worst that could happen? He craved his friend’s impulsiveness and that was exactly what he was going to do.

“Heya, my names Frank. You up? x” the text bubble appeared on the right of the screen and Frank stared at it as if he couldn’t have possibly done it.

Chapter Text

The guys name was Gerard.

Frank hadn’t been able to take his eyes away from his phone after he’d sent the text, and within ten minutes he had a reply. “Yeah, just got home lol I’m Gerard x” Frank didn’t reply for some time, consciously regulating his breathing with his eyes wide, drawing a complete blank and forgetting everything he’d wanted to say. “Did u go to another bar? is late” came a second message. “No, just hanging out in my hotel, can’t sleep” he typed. It was mundane but he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Hotel? oooh fancyy x” Frank smiled at that. He was thinking too much. Go with the flow, he thought. “My friends ditched me and I live outta town urgh x” he wrote. “omg so rude fuck that” Frank laughed lightly to himself, finally starting to relax as he switched his brain off. “I got a taxi back at like 2, got work in the morning. booo” Gerard sent another message.

“it’s 4!! you need to go to bed dude” Frank was surprised how natural this all felt, he didn’t feel the need to impress, it made a refreshing change. They texted back and forth for another half an hour before Gerard said that he was going to try and get some sleep.

Frank felt more emboldened than ever. “do you wanna meet tomorrow? after you’re done at work x” he’d paused again before he sent it, breathing out and hitting send. There was an even longer pause, and the text bubble showing Gerard’s typing came in and out of sight, which made Frank feel sick with nerves. He was on the cusp of rescinding his offer out of pure anxiety when Gerard’s reply came. “Yeah, that would be nice x” it popped through and Gerard was immediately typing again.

“Just so u know, I don’t normally do this. I just saw u looking at me and I was feeling brave??? haha Idk I’m still drunk” Frank giggled but Gerard was still typing. That makes both of us, Frank thought. “I’m normally kinda shy n stuff so like it’s okay if you don’t wanna meet… but like I’m not tryna hook up yet idk haha” Frank frowned. “I asked you! Don’t worry, it’s just a drink x” he wrote. Gerard again took a while to reply, he was clearly agonising over what he wanted to say which made Frank all the more curious. “Okay, that would be nice xx”.

They agreed on a pub that Gerard said was close to his work, which thankfully was closer to Frank’s place than he currently was. They said goodnight to eachother and Frank saw Gerard go offline.

Frank let his phone fall beside his head as he laid flat on top of the bed sheets. His heart was pounding but he wasn’t stressed, he was giddy. He felt fuzzy like he had a high school crush. He was stunned how his evening had started and how it had ended, he felt like everything was going a million miles an hour. Frank still couldn’t rationalise any of it. He’d completely shut down that logical side to him while they talked and it felt so unapologetically good.

Again, he had never fancied a man.

He couldn’t even wrack his brain back to a time when he’d even considered it. But now he knew Gerard’s manner, his voice, at least over text, he was now only more endeared to the idea.

Frank kept thinking of his New Year’s resolution, how he wanted so badly to be more spontaneous, to chase happiness, to stop being complacent in his own boredom. This certainly wasn’t boring, he hadn’t gone at a million miles an hour in years. He couldn’t come up with a rationalisation as to why Gerard had been the one to bring it out of him, and he tried hard not to start thinking about it again.

It was a beer, nothing more, for now. He could cross that bridge when it came, if it ever did. Frank couldn’t believe that after all, what he felt most was pure adrenaline, something he hadn’t experienced in months. He’d spent weeks not looking forward to a single thing, and there he was trembling with excitement like a teenager.

“What the fuck am I doing?” he laughed lightly to himself and rubbed his face with both hands, grinning through it. He sighed and sat up, double checking the check out time for the hotel on his phone, and setting an alarm for fifteen minutes before. He supposed that if he had a date, he had better get some rest. This was a date, wasn’t it?

The morning came like a slap in the face, Frank’s phone alarm forcing him out of his sleep like he’d been electrocuted.

He hadn’t drawn the blinds and the light was blinding. He was hungover but not incapacitated, thankfully, and he shuffled his way into the bathroom, stretching out his limbs as he went. Frank didn’t think he looked too bad all considered, and he teased his hair to at least mimic the idea that it had been brushed.

He pulled out his phone and saw a few texts to the group chat, a couple thankfully being from Mikey, meaning the guy was at least up. Frank wasted no time in calling him, like hell was he going to take that bus. “Hello?” came Mikey’s scratchy tone, certainly sounding a little more worse for wear than Frank did.

“You home?” Frank said directly, smiling a little to himself. “Yeah. Just got back…” Mikey cleared his throat. “Come get me, my cars at your place” Frank barked. Mikey made a sort of grumbling sound but seemed resigned to his fate.

“Urgh, fine… where are you?” he mumbled. “The Albion” Frank said cheerfully, poking fun at the other. “Right. I’ll be there in ten” Frank couldn’t recall a time where Mikey sounded more miserable and he couldn’t help but laugh. Frank took the interlude to fuss a little more with his hair, splashing water over his face to try and fend off his own headache.

Mikey looked like absolute shit when he finally pulled up, Frank wondered if he was still drunk. “Well, good morning camper” Frank mocked as he put on his seatbelt. Mikey huffed and quickly pulled out the car. “Oh god, don’t, I do not feel good” he said slowly, focusing on his driving and squinting into the sun light. Frank smirked. “Good night then?” he asked. “I think so… she let me stay, so I guess I did alright?” Mikey finally smiled. “You guess?” Frank grilled. “Dude, I can’t even remember leaving the club. If we did fuck, it’s a fucking miracle” he laughed.

“But we both had our pants off when I woke up, so I guess we did” he sounded so pleased with himself that Frank couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “Classy” he poked. “Oye! Says Mr ‘I stayed in a hotel’! Eh?” Mikey nudged him with his elbow with a wide grin. “So, who’s the lucky lady?” he pressed. For a split second, Frank felt so completely ill that he was sure he would vomit. It was as if the mere implication of what he was about to embark on was the most shameful thing he’d ever done. His mouth felt dry and in that moment, there was absolutely no way he was telling Mikey.

After the pang of anxiety passed, he found himself feeling quite sad all at once. This was again, another situation where he’d love to have people around him to confide in. He hoped Mikey wouldn’t judge him, but it stirred him to think that he really didn’t know if he would or not.

At the very least, he knew he’d be grilled and laughed at, everything in their lives was always taken in such jest. Frank knew that he’d be figuring this out on his own, for now, as usual. “No one, I just needed somewhere to sleep after you ditched me” he said, a little sharper than he intended. “Mhmm” Mikey grumbled passively, peering under his sun visor at the traffic lights; he really was not well, Frank thought.

“I got someone’s number though” Frank piped up when the silence started to feel uncomfortable. “There he is!” Mikey laugh and patted Frank’s shoulder with his free arm. “Who is she? Is she fit?” he asked, looking over at Frank a couple of times while keeping an eye on the road. “I dunno, I hadn’t seen her before. I didn’t talk to her at the bar, but she texted me” Frank could feel himself drain away as he lied, as if all the giddiness of the nights events were being stripped from him. Any joy he felt now a complete waste as he was brought back to reality.

Would it really be so bad to just tell Mikey the truth, he wondered. Frank just couldn’t bear the idea of his friends bullying him out of it before it had even begun, no matter how innocent their intentions.

Even when it came to girls they were flippant, so a heart to heart about Frank’s experimenting was completely out of the question. Especially when Frank himself felt so weak on the subject, unable to explain it to himself let alone verbalise it. Again, he resolved, go with the flow. “Oh! Lemme see!” Mikey went straight for the phone that hung in Frank’s fingers, who immediately snatched it back.

“Don’t!” Frank faked a laugh, although really the gesture had infuriated him. “Ooh, sorry! Fine. I won’t spy on your sexting” Mikey giggled. Frank grimaced at his smiling face, and they finally pulled into Mikey’s drive way.

They clambered out and Frank couldn’t help but laugh wholly at Mikey’s baby-deer crawl around the side of his car, holding onto the bonnet as if he’d fall. He was probably, definitely, still drunk. Mikey grinned back. “You wanna come in for some breakfast? Ray is still here” he asked. “Nah, thanks though, I’m gonna head home, I’m beat” Frank said softly as he walked to his own car, fumbling with the keys, tangled at the bottom on the pocket of his slept-in jeans.

“Suit yourself, see you at New Years?” Mikey said with a smile. “Yeah? Maybe. I don’t know my work rota yet, but I’ll text you” Frank replied from his now open door. “Sure thing dude, see you” Mikey shuffled into his front porch and waved Frank off as he pulled out of the drive way.

Traditional dictated a massive party at Pete’s was the plan for New Year’s Eve, and Frank’s invitation went unspoken. It was usually a good time, tens of people would show up who Frank wouldn’t know, and it was nice to socialise with new people without any pretence from his friends. He’d met a few cool people that way, namely, Pete’s high school friends who for some reason were mostly artists and musicians, a far cry from the dude-bros the group usually attracted.

The drive was around thirty minutes, giving Frank ample time to decompress.

He fully intended on sleeping as much of the day away as he could, he was running on barely four hours of rest. He needed time to get excited for his evening plans, a little more time to prepare and enough time to calm himself if he got stuck in his head again.

Frank chuckled to himself at that, he was so self serious it was ridiculous. The dread that had encompassed him the night before didn’t reemerge though, for which he was grateful.

He got home to a messy house and slept rather than cleaned, something completely out of his character. It felt freeing to spend a day doing the first thing that came to his mind rather than planning everything methodically. He felt like he did when he was a kid and he had precisely nothing to do, where he’d be out late in to the night and come home to more sweet irresponsibly.

Monday would come and life would resume but Frank hoped he could keep up this momentum. Something about this shy guy shooting his shot at Frank was so endearing to him, the whole day felt dreamy.

Something about Gerard felt freeing and fresh, although Frank was trying desperately not to get a head of himself.

By that evening, he was sat in his living room in nothing but his underwear, eating cereal, again, so tremendously unlike him, that Frank felt like a rebel even though he was completely alone. Time ticked by and Frank would start getting ready soon.

His phone buzzed from the coffee table, and he grunted when he hoisted himself up towards it. “hey, you still up for a drink?? xx” it was Gerard. Frank smiled and set his bowl down, holding his phone with both hands keenly as he replied.

“heck yeah, I’ll be there around 6, that okay?” Frank punched back, shuffling down into the couch. “yeah! I might be a little late but I’ll call you if anything drastic happens haha x” Gerard replied. He’d call? Frank paused, it felt like a step for some reason. Frank giggled and typed, he was down so bad it wasn’t even funny. “cool, see you later :)” he said.

Gerard pinging him a red heart and Frank set his phone down, trudging up stairs for a shower. Afterwards, he found himself staring at his clothes longer than usual. It had been a while since he’d been on a date and he was fairly sure this bar sold cocktails, the only indication he needed that tonight was a button-up shirt night.

Did he need to dress differently because Gerard was a man? “For fucks sake man” he grumbled, forcing himself to stop agonising. He would either do this or he wouldn’t, he would not spend the night beating himself up either way. He bombed down the stairs and wedged on his desert boots, his decision final.

Chapter Text

It was quiet for a Saturday night, Frank was pleasantly surprised. He’d never been to this bar despite the proximity to his apartment and from a cursory glance, it felt like the sort of place he could get into.

The music was quiet and played from a turntable in the corner, the patrons were calm, and even those who drank alone seemed peaceful. It intrigued him further about what Gerard’s deal was, that out of everywhere in the city, he had been fairly adamant about this spot in particular. Frank by that point was trying consciously to keep his imagination in check.

He knew that most of what he thought about the situation was conjecture, or at that, projection. He was actively putting in effort to not presume absolutely everything about this complete stranger. Frank realised on reflection how self centred it was, as if this was his fantasy he was living through, and that it didn’t involve another, very real, person.

He sighed and tried to calm himself, sitting down in a booth once he’d ordered two pints of beer. Frank couldn’t blame himself for being excited, he felt like he was in a movie. His spontaneity was so far out of his comfort zone that he felt he had no choice but to carry himself as such, like a character, the star.

Frank prayed that by the time Gerard showed up that he’d snap out of it. No better way to leave a fantastic first impression than to have main character syndrome in some fantastical romance, Frank ruminated in frustration. He took another breath and sipped his drink, focusing on the music to bring himself out of his head. Frank glanced around again. Records and tour posters clustered in great mass on the walls, the dark red paint beneath barely visible. The light was dim, there was a notice board advertising an open mic night. Yeah, Frank could really see himself here, he thought.

He looked down at his phone at the time, it was a little late, but there was no text from Gerard. Frank couldn’t help that small pang that came with the idea that he’d been stood up, and it only made him feel worse about how much head space he’d put into the night.

“Hey” Gerard’s unusually high pitched voice spoke out of breath above him, and Frank’s head shot up. “Sorry I’m late, the bus didn’t show up” he had a toothy smile that was as adorable as it was nervous, his cheeks were pink from his apparent running. Frank just stared dumbly while Gerard slipped down into his seat, peeling his black and grey striped scarf from his shoulders and shimmying his coat off.

“You okay?” Gerard chuckled nervously, trying to catch Frank’s glazed eyes. “Oh, er, sorry! Sorry, I’m still knackered from last night” he laughed to ease the mood. “Understandable. Did you go to sleep after I went to bed?” Gerard replied with a smile. “Kinda, couldn’t really sleep” Frank didn’t know why he was lying, he’d slept all day, he supposed he was just covering his ass for being a fucking creep. He had to snap out of it. “Aw. Thanks for this, by the way, cheers” Gerard raised his glass and Frank followed, the other making it easier to relax, even easier than Frank thought.

“So, how was your day?” Frank finally engaged, something in Gerard’s gentle demeanour finally cracking through his preconceptions. “Yeah, yeah. Normal, boring really. I work at a vintage clothing store, it’s always a bit mad before Christmas. I spent most of the day sifting through stuff that my boss thinks people’ll wanna gift” he talked so freely Frank couldn’t help but admire it. This wasn’t like other dates he’d been on, where he felt the need to impress at all times, flash the cash a little, brag and keep the drinks flowing.

It felt so incredibly natural.

Frank gave up the mental fight. He had to be himself, say what was on his mind, he wouldn’t let this go to waste. “Oh really? That’s cool though! I bet you see loads of cool pieces” Frank replied with chest. A simple reply that he wholly meant, a way of talking he wasn’t allowed in most of his relationships. Gerard smiled. “Yeah, it’s pretty chill. I end up spending my pay check on clothes though” he giggled, sipping his drink again. “And to be honest, most of what we get comes in these like, wholesale bundles, and it’s mostly complete trash. But it’s my job to get everything out on the shop floor, then stare at the ugliest shirt you’ve ever seen all week until my boss folds and finally donates it” he joked.

“I quite like an ugly shirt” Frank grinned, watching Gerard as he laughed at the statement. “Well, I’ll call you next time we get a fuckin’, I dunno, pink dolphin Hawaiian button down, top of the list” Gerard was talking into his drink a tad, clearly masking his own nervousness, Frank found it endearing. “Appreciate it” Frank mused. “Mhmm, how was your day?” Gerard suddenly took a big gulp and spat out his words, as if he felt rude for not asking first. He seemed as ill-prepared as Frank was and that certainly put Frank at ease.

“Good, yeah. Dragged my ass home and did practically nothing, I’m at Timeless, the record and equipment store near the train station. I don’t usually work weekends” he didn’t feel the need to mention his friends, that was a hurdle for another day. “The one near City Comics?” Gerard beamed, his eyes lit up a little, Frank could see him being an art kinda guy.

“Yeah, you know it?” Frank continued. “Yeah! I’ve been in a couple of times, but I’ve never seen you in there?” Gerard pressed cheerfully. “Hm, tell me about it. I’m the manager and I spend most of my time in the back” he droned. “You don’t seem super happy about that?” Gerard laughed.

“It just gets boring is all… preferred working out front. The moneys nice but I dunno, I’ve been thinking of getting a new job to be honest” he said. Gerard nodded as if he was hanging off of Frank’s every word. It made a nice change and Frank couldn’t help the wave of fuzziness that came over him when Gerard’s sincerely enthusiastic expression met his.

“I get that” he said, urging Frank on it seemed. “I love music, and I love the music we sell. I love meeting people who are in bands and stuff. But when it’s all just ordering stock and tax returns, it sorta takes the spark out of it, you know?

I’m thinking of trying to get a job in a venue, or something” he continued after he took the last gulp of his beer. “That would be cool” Gerard replied with a smile. Although he seemed interested, Frank suddenly felt horribly guilty for talking at him for ten minutes uninterrupted.

“What did you pick up?” Frank blurted out. “What?” Gerard laughed. “At the store, what did you buy when you came in? I’m curious” he asked. Gerard sucked on his cheeky for a moment, looking up as if he was trying to recall. “I think I got a Misfits CD, and another time I bought some pins? Bit lame, I know” he chuckled.

“Misfits?” Frank pushed. “Yeah, one of my faves” he replied happily. “Fucking love Misfits, man” Frank said. “Maybe you can give me some recommendations, I’ve got a pretty dog shit music taste” Gerard looked down as if he’d made a mistake, Frank looked at him curiously, wondering why he suddenly looked uncomfortable. “I’m sure you don’t! But yeah, I can ping some shit your way. Cannibal Corpse? Blood Incantation?” Frank rattled off. Gerard laughed and shook his head. “Sounds a bit heavy for me” he sighed.

“Well, sounds like you do have dog shit music taste, but don’t worry, I’ll set you straight” Frank hoped his joke would land and was washed with relief when Gerard burst into hysterics in front of him. “Fucking rude!” he laughed. “Do you want another drink?” he followed. “Yeah, thanks” Frank said, noticing how Gerard’s voice had inflected slightly when he said it, as if he was completely convinced that Frank would turn him down. Gerard nodded with a smile and made his way to the bar.

Frank watched him as he went, more enamoured by this weird little stranger than he had been before.

Gerard seemed confident enough, but that undercurrent of uncertainty that he’d felt the need to warn Frank about was definitely on show too. Frank couldn’t imagine why he’d feel like that, he was engaging, engaged in Frank too, pretty, captivating. Frank had never felt so at ease on a date before, a fair achievement given everything that was firing off in his head.

Gerard walked back slowly with two pints in hand. The foam spilling over his fingers and onto the floor, Frank laughed at it. “You should have asked me to help you” he said. Gerard grumbled as he set down the glasses, as if he was hyper focused on not messing it up. He seemed to relax again once he was sitting down.

“What kind of gentleman would I be?” he scoffed. “Cheers” Frank said, and they both simultaneously took a few gulps. There was a moment of quiet. It wasn’t bad but it was obvious, Frank wondered again why Gerard seemed so tense.

“Can I tell you something?” Frank spoke out, earning a curious glance from Gerard with a raised eyebrow. “Yeah?” he replied with a breathy tentative chuckle, his eyes not leaving Frank’s.

There was no way that Frank would tell Gerard the whole story of their first meeting, noticing him from across the bar and seeing a girl. But he was so desperate for any type of sincere rapport in his life that he knew he had to lay some of it out. “I’ve uh, I’ve never been on a date before, with a guy” he said sheepishly, his body language rescinding somewhat, but his eyes keenly scanning Gerard’s for any sort of change.

Gerard’s expression remained as soft and understanding as it had been all along and Frank immediately felt relieved. “Yeah?” he pressed, it came out sing-song, a lob sided smile creeping in like he was genuinely curious.

“Yeah, I just… I dunno. I was a bit overwhelmed when you gave me your number. I thought about it for hours, before I texted you” he mumbled. “I thought you were out partying, I didn’t think anything of it” Gerard said warmly. Frank giggled and looked down. “No, I was in my hotel room having a melt down, did pretty much the same thing all day today” he felt both embarrassed and liberated as the words came out.

“Why did you then? Text me?” Gerard asked, again, as if bracing for a terrible answer. Frank frowned, his guy needed a confidence boost if Frank had ever seen it.

“I’ve been… really thinking a lot lately, about my life, where I’m at… it’s not just my job, it’s everything. I need to, I dunno, be myself? Or at least, I guess, I need to pursue more, be less precious, stop thinking so hard about everything. When you gave me your number, when I saw you, it was like I had two paths. Either, I scuttle away back to my life and carry on. Or, I submit to the idea that I’ve just seen a guy I find really hot and go for it” Frank chuckled but really he was bricking it.

That was a lot, he knew, but it twisted inside him so hard that he felt like he was lying if he didn’t say it.

It would come out eventually, in some form or another, so fuck it, Frank thought. It was going well and it gave Frank confidence, rather than his usual modus operandi where he’d talk himself up into oblivion if given the slightest whiff of success.

By the grace of God, Gerard giggled at his compliment and he seemed just as cheerful as he had been before Frank’s spiel. “And?” Gerard said. “I’m having a really good time” Frank grinned. Gerard raised a careful hand onto the table, and slowly but surely, his fingers gingerly grazed Franks.

Chapter Text

The next couple weeks went by pretty much how they always did for Frank.

Sat in his stuffy office, trying desperately to focus in on the job he’d once loved, all the while tactfully scrolling through job listings on his phone. It went slower than usual.

He was waiting on a couple of interviews from his job search and the glimmer of hope meant that every tick of the click felt like an hour spent somewhere he wasn’t supposed to be. He madly refreshed his phone whenever he could, as if he was willing the process to go faster. Conversely, this evenings flew by, taking every moment he could once he was home to catch up with Gerard.

It took everything in him not to text the other at all hours of the day, but he was trying his best to play it cool.

He’d send Gerard a meme or two during his lunch break if he had them, and Gerard would usually respond with the same. Their humour seemed perfectly suited and Frank couldn’t believe how well it was going. He was excited to dig deeper, to really get to know Gerard. They talked plenty but it wasn’t deep, which was fair enough over text, but Frank needed more. It felt like everything Gerard said was the most fascinating thing he’d ever heard, something about his inflection, his soft manner, how low key he was.

Every now and again Frank would get a glimpse into Gerard’s deeper life, the odd comment about his free time or how he’d explain something that dripped with subtext, and Frank just wanted to hear all of it.

Gerard was a great listener too, and Frank hoped that Gerard had the same intrigue about him, too. So far he’d learned that Gerard only worked a couple of days a week, as to the why, he hadn’t asked. He lived alone in a flat about twenty minutes from Frank’s, and he’d shown Frank pictures of his art studio.

He really was talented, Frank thought, and he’d been pestering the other all week to show him more, or bombarding him with questions about why he wasn’t working in the art industry. Gerard had always bashfully told Frank that he was just being kind, that he wasn’t really all that good. Frank still didn’t understand why this guy couldn’t take a compliment, but he tried his best to get Gerard to believe him. He learned too that Gerard was estranged from his family, but he knew it wasn’t his place to ask about that yet.

Gerard was a shy guy, and Frank knew the other was trying hard to come out of his shell for Frank’s sake, and it left him feeling strangely honoured. It got Frank thinking, hoping, that Gerard was as in to this as he was, given that he seemed to be putting in genuine effort.

He also learned that Gerard was kind to a fault. The day after their date, he’d told Frank that he’d covered a girl in his store who was a fiver down for a dress, then, a couple days later, when Frank complained to him that he’d forgotten to get cigarettes on his way home, Gerard had straight up insisted that he’d drive out and drop some off for him. He didn’t, but Frank had to practically beg him.

Frank found the whole thing very amusing, but in the aftermath, Frank saw yet another side to Gerard’s lack of confidence.

Gerard hadn’t replied for a while when Frank finally convinced him not to come over, and Frank had texted a few times before Gerard came back online. “sorry, that was stupid, ignore me haha” he’d said.

It made Frank so sad that this guy was so self conscious that he could be dashed so easily. But it didn’t put him off at all, it was sweet, and a far cry from the people who usually hung out with. “don’t be silly! you’re so cute hehe” he’d typed back in a hurry, hoping to quickly elevate the situation.

“ahhh I’m so awkward urhh” he’d replied, with a laughing emoji. “same tbh” Frank said quickly. The evening went back to normal after that thankfully, Frank as enamoured as ever. Frank told Gerard as much about himself as came to his mind, feeling such a weight fall from him now he had someone he could really talk to. It wasn’t too cutting, all relatively surface level, but it rolled out of him without a second thought.

It had been nearly three weeks since he’d seen Gerard and they’d finally got around to setting up another date, scheduled for the day after New Years. They’d laughed about how neither of them had asked out of sheer anxiety and had settled on a restaurant in town.

Currently, Frank was sat in a sea of sweaty bodies at Pete’s party.

It was fun, much more his vibe that the nightclub. He was fairly distracted, although he couldn’t help but wish Gerard was there. Maybe, in a few months, when all was figured out, he would be, Frank thought wistfully. He was sat on the couch in Pete’s front room, Ray leaning on the arm rest and Pete’s friend, Pat, sat down snuggly next to him.

Pat was one of the people Frank had been excited to see, he’d been to college for music and had stories to boot. He was like the others in some ways but seemed more thoughtful, Frank always lamented that he lived too far away to join the inner circle.

“What’s new with Patrick then?” Ray slurred. They only had an hour left until midnight, so everyone was sufficiently drunk. “Nothings new with Patrick” Pat replied with a grin. “Boring! It’s been ages man” Ray jostled him and Pat grabbed his wrist, gesturing that he’d bite it. “Ah!” Ray laughed. “Dude I’ve just been working, life is boring! That’s why I’m here!” Pat joked. “I don’t think you’re boring, Pat” Frank said, his voice overly coy to get a laugh out the other. “Thank you, love” he replied, tapping Frank on the nose. “You guys are weird” Ray teased. “You’re weird” Frank stuck his tongue out.

“How’s the girlfriend?” Ray asked after downing his beer. “Great, actually! She moved in like six months ago, fuck, I haven’t seen you guys in so long!” Pat talked, kicking his legs over into Frank’s lap as he did. “No way! She was sound, I’m glad you’re still together” Ray replied. “Do you have a lovely lady in your life, Raymond?” Pat perpetually sounded like he was poking fun every time he spoke, Frank was happy to sit there and take it all in. “Not right now, you know me, just shooting my shot” Ray took another drink, speaking with confidence despite his body language showing the opposite.

“How about you, Frankie?” Pat sung, poking Frank’s cheek as he did. “He’s texting someone” Ray butted in before Frank could reply, who was now more than a little flustered, having fully intended to blow off the question. “Oooh! How exciting! Who is she?” Pat buzzed. “It’s just casual, I’ve only seen… them, once” Frank tried to speak with gusto but failed, thankfully no one seemed to notice in their drunkenness. Although Frank was sure he saw Pat raise an eyebrow. “You won’t get anything out of him, Pat, he hasn’t shown us a picture or anything, it’s bullshit” Ray laughed. “Very gentlemanly of you, Frank!” Pat replied, smiling widely.

“It’s early days and it’s going well, I don’t wanna get a head of myself, you know?” Frank said, Pat’s calming presence bringing it out of him. “But is she any good in bed?!” Ray chortled, shoving Frank’s shoulder jovially. “We haven’t… quit it! I told you I didn’t wanna talk about it” Frank tried to play it down but it did annoy him, he wished he could illicit any sort of sincere boundary out of any of them, but he knew would he fighting a loosing battle. “Suit yourself” Ray scoffed. Another gaggle of boys joined them at that point and the focus was off of Frank. Frank knew better than be expect deep conversations at these parties, but a bit of care wouldn’t go a miss.

He sat quietly while everyone talked around him, his sudden shyness seemingly undetected. Frank glanced over at the clock and saw that midnight drew near. He’d see it through but hadn’t been drinking and intended to drive home, he had work and he knew that these things went on until five in the morning.

He felt his phone buzz in his pocket and made a mental note to text his mum back after midnight. “Alright lads!” Mikey came wielding over, bumping into Ray and clinking his beer bottle against the others. “One more minute!” he cheered. “Hell yeah, dude, cheers!” Ray replied. “Cheers!” Pat piped up, leaning over Frank, his legs still in his lap, Frank having placed a hand on the outside of his calf to brace him.

“Cheers! Look at you two, ha!” Mikey jeered, grinning over at Ray who laughed back. “Huh?” Frank puzzled, keeping a smile to appease the others. “All cuddly, bit fucking gay!” he laughed with such chest and Frank was mortified to see absolutely everyone in ear shot laughing along, Pat included.

“Nothing wrong with being close to your male friends, Mikey! You’re just jealous!” Pat chuckled gregariously. Frank laughed along with them even though he felt like he’d just been punched in the face. He had never heard Mikey talk like that, although he always had his suspicions. They weren’t hateful words, just boyish and thoughtless, typical of all of them.

Frank was so incensed that he barely heard another word out of them of them until the count down begun, when Pat clambered off of him to stand with his arm around Pete’s and Mikey’s shoulders. “Three, two, one! Happy New Year!” the crowd erupted in cheers and applause and Frank did join them, grinning and hollering with everyone, despite it being a complete front. As soon as it died down, he went around the room excusing himself, his head completely out of the room as he did. His friends lolled on him and begged him to stay, but he was already outta there.

Once in his car, he hung his head down and let out a long sigh. Frank thumped the steering wheel with both hands in frustration.

“Fuck!” he grunted, leaning his head in between his white knuckles. He felt tearful all of a sudden but kept it in, keeping his breathing slow.

He loved his friends.

They’d seen each other through so much and they were, for the most part, a genuine place of happiness for him. He was boyish too, he understood their humour as far as he could. But they could never, ever read him. He was sure he’d been sat there for the most part looking miserable as sin but no one noticed at all. He loved them, he was sure, they were like brothers, but it was so hard. He wished he had one single person in his life who checked in with him, but he didn’t.

Frank could feel himself spiralling , and then came the horrible guilt he got when he’d been ruminating for too long, feeling selfish and melodramatic. He wasn’t innocent either, he thought. He’d been a lot more similar to them all when he’d first met them, rude, masculine, careless. Frank supposed he’d grown.

He huffed when he sat up, resolving to pick himself up some drink on the way home and watch the rest of Jools Holland in peace. He remembered then about his phone, and pulled it out of his back pocket, ready to text his parents.

“happy new year, excited to see you :) xx” it had been Gerard who’d messaged him and Frank swore his heart did a little flip. “happy new year g xxx” he tapped back. Frank felt fuzzy down to his finger tips and immediately an inner peace flooded him, he grinned to himself. He paused for a minute before he texted over a heart. He was so fucked.

Chapter Text

Frank had spent an ungodly amount of time in the bathroom mirror messing with his hair.

He’d arrived at the restaurant early, paranoid about being late. He’d already had a drink and still had twenty minutes to kill. He stepped out to use the toilet and found himself ruffling and then flattening his hair in infinity.

It was getting long and he had no idea how to style it, on a good day, he loved it, on a bad day, it stuck up at odd angles and looked both fluffy and unbrushed. He grumbled and debated splashing some water over it to give it shape. No luck, he only had a couple minutes now before he needed to head back. His eyes were rimmed in black eyeliner and he took the opportunity to smudge it around a little.

Frank had started tentatively wearing it a few months ago, and to his surprise, had barely been grilled for it at all. It looked good, Frank thought, and he smugly assumed that was why he’d had no stick from his friends.

He peeled himself away from the mirror and got back to the bar. The place felt fancy, with low light and plush red decor, a candle lit on every table. But looking over the menu, it wasn’t too pricey, Frank was happy to see. He was fairly certain they had cabaret and drag shows there on the weekends. Again, a curious choice on Gerard’s part that made Frank smirk. He ordered two mojitos, curious about the other’s reaction. While Frank stood there, he made a mental note not to be the first one there next time, he was worried he was coming on too strong. Next time, Frank pondered.

Out of the corner on his eye, he saw Gerard talking to the host, pointing over at Frank and showing them his phone. Shaking his head, he finally got inside. “Hey” Frank said with a grin. “What was that about?” he asked. Gerard scoffed but smiled just as widely as Frank did. “Dude just kept saying ‘reservations only!’, as if this place isn’t a complete fucking dive” he laughed. “I haven’t been here when they’ve had table service, I didn’t know I’d get stopped by a doorman, what the fuck” Gerard giggled, leaning on the bar next to Frank, who could see the matron staring at them from over Gerard’s shoulder.

“Did you get me a cocktail?” Gerard said amusedly, pulling the drink towards him and stirring it. “Refreshing” he smacked his lips after taking his first sip, trying not to contort his face with the sour taste. “Is it bad?” Frank asked, leaning his mouth towards his own straw. “Fuck me” he spluttered. “That’s strong” he coughed into the back of his hand. “At least you get your moneys worth” Gerard laughed. “Your table is ready, sir” the same matron spoke in a monotone over Frank’s shoulder, almost making him jump. The pair followed in silence while exchanging knowing looks. They only spoke up again once they were sat alone at their table. “He absolutely heard all that” Frank laughed.

“Dude, I have no idea what’s going on. I come in here all the time after the restaurant closes and it is nothing like this. The drinks are less than a fiver, how are they affording all these staff?!” Gerard rattled off, trying not to laugh. “You picked it!” Frank giggled. “I’ll bring you here in a drag night, that’ll see you through” Gerard replied with a knowing smile.

Frank didn’t think of himself as a sheltered person, but he had indeed never been to a drag show. “What does that entail?” he humoured. “Loud music, good company, and the girls lip syncing or doing comedy shows, it’s great! Well, girls, I mean, the drag queens, ya’ know?” Gerard stumbled on his words, as if he was grimacing internally about getting too excited. “Sounds fun” Frank reassured, frowning a little, confused, seeing in person Gerard’s back tracking, which before he’d only experienced over text.

“Don’t… get embarrassed like that, I’m having a good time” Frank felt bold to comfort him, worrying it was an overstep, but Gerard smiled softly, his demeanour relaxing. “Sorry, I just… I worry I come across annoying sometimes, when I, uh… nerd out” he mumbled, holding up the menu all of a sudden as if he was shielding himself from further embarrassment. “You’re not annoying, it’s cute, I like it” Frank said. And he meant it. Which, as with everything else in this whole situation, confused and fascinated him in equal measure.

Everything felt so effortless, it flowed together perfectly and he couldn’t believe how easy Gerard was to talk to. It felt entirely brand new and as if he’d known Gerard for years all at the same time. Frank didn’t struggle with it at all anymore, it felt like it was meant to be happening. Even if things didn’t work out with Gerard, which God, he prayed they did, he felt like he’d unlocked a new piece of himself and had completely come to peace with it over the weeks they had spent texting.

“I mean it” Frank piped up when Gerard didn’t reply, and he saw the blush creep across Gerard’s cheeks. “Shut up” he croaked out, his face now firmly hidden behind the menu, although Frank could see him smiling. “Are you ready to order?” a female server appeared beside them and this time Gerard visibly jumped, Frank had to put a hand to his mouth to stifle a laugh. “Um, yeah, I’ll take Coq au Vin, thanks” Gerard rushed. They were indeed not ready, but there seemed to be shared understanding that they needed to appease the staff at all costs. “The veggie pasta for me please, no cheese” Frank said with a forced smile, winking at Gerard as the server scuttled away.

“You’re vegetarian?” Gerard asked, with genuine interest. “Yeah, uh…” Frank was a little blind sided, people didn’t usually care and his friends ripped on him for it. “God, years now, since I was a teenager, don’t even think about it much now” he replied. Gerard nodded with a smile. “That’s cool, I’ve dipped in and out of it, but I’ve never stuck with it. You’ve got better will power than most” he said. “Well, and parents willing to put up with my bullshit” Frank chuckled.

Gerard hummed but went quiet again, Frank didn’t know why. “What did you get, cock uh, something?” he poked fun at the other, breaking the ice. Gerard scoffed. “It’s chicken in red wine!” he grinned, reaching over and smacking Frank’s shoulder with the back of his hand. “It’s cock, is what it is” Frank was testing the ground for his sense of humour and it appeared to be going well.

“Shut up!” Gerard hushed his voice and glanced around at the surrounding tables. They talked a bit more about the restaurant while they waited, it all coming as easily as it always seemed to. Gerard laughed at most of what Frank said and Frank was slowly finding that Gerard had his moments too. He was quick, sharp, and even though he often had little to say compared to Frank, it drowned in wit. Their food arrived and they found themselves talking in between bites, unable to get enough of each other. “The other week, you said you hadn’t dated guys before?” Gerard piped up, moving his food around with his fork while he spoke.

“Hm?” Frank urged him on. A month ago, the question would have filled him with existential dread, but now, Frank found himself wanting to tell Gerard absolutely everything. “What was it, um, about me? That made you uh… wanna go out?” Gerard was retracting into himself again, feeling vain even asking. But it was valid, Frank thought, and they hadn’t talked about it so far at all. “I’ve never put myself in a box, not really, although I hadn’t been out with a guy… but then I saw you, and uh…” nerves grew heavy in Frank’s chest at the mere idea of the truth. After a brief pause, he knew he owed it to the other, or that it would come out of him one way or another. He was praying Gerard would see the humour.

“Listen, in the club… a thought you were a girl” Gerard immediately choked on his food and covered his mouth as he laughed, eyes wide. “Really?” he giggled. Oh thank God, Frank thought. “And I was gonna approach you, but my friends are stupid” Frank laughed too. “Then when you came out to find me, seeing you up close, I just thought you were… beautiful. You are beautiful” Frank got a little serious and Gerard stared back at him, looking both shocked and enamoured. “I’ll be honest, I was surprised at myself, it freaked me out a little… not you! Just that all these feelings came up and that it didn’t really bother me at all.

But I couldn’t stop thinking you, honestly… you were just, you’re just… I dunno, I wanted to see what would happen” he spoke. They’d sort of tread this ground the last time they met, but Frank felt more at ease speaking on it now. Gerard’s face remained soft, and they found themselves gently holding each other’s hand under the table.

“I’m really glad you texted me” Gerard said shyly. “I’d seen you in there before, but I didn’t know if you’d… you know, be interested. Then I saw you staring and thought fuck it” he chuckled nervously. “Pretty much same” Frank grinned. Gerard laughed. “Where did you go, anyway? I would have totally shot my shit” Frank asked, still beaming. “Oh yeah, sure you would have” Gerard said with a wink, to which Frank mocked insult. “I went to the loo, not my fault you buggered off” he huffed.

“You’re telling me that a toilet was what came in between me and the mysterious Gerard?” Frank replied, to which Gerard just shook his head. They finished their meal slowly and opted out of desert, Frank going into quite extensive detail about his dairy allergy, some of which, Gerard pointed out, was way too much information. Frank insisted on paying the bill, despite Gerard’s protest, and they found themselves greeted by the cool night air outside.

They both simultaneously went to light up a smoke and grinned at each other at the absurdity of it. Gerard looked down at his phone. “The last bus is in like fifteen minutes, I better get going” he said.

“Don’t be daft, I’ve only had two drinks, I’m driving home. I’ll drop you off on the way” Frank replied, looking back towards his car. “Oh, no, it’s okay, I don’t want to be a bother” Gerard replied sheepishly. “It’s not! Honestly, you don’t need to take a thirty minute bus when I can just nip you up the road. Please, I’m not leaving you out here” Frank tutted.

He was still completely confused as to why Gerard seemed to recoil at any sign of kindness, he was adamant he would crack it. Gerard shuffled his feet and looked down at his shoes, sighing out a lung full of smoke. “You can’t take your cigarette on the bus…” Frank sang and Gerard finally smiled again. “Okay” he folded.

They clambered into Frank’s car and opened the windows to let the smoke out. The drive was relatively quiet, and Frank couldn’t help but notice Gerard’s hand hanging out the window, his fingers moving against the fast moving air, he looked calm and contemplative. “You okay?” Frank asked lightly. “Yeah, really good” Gerard replied immediately, a wide smile with complete sincerity. Frank smiled back and before long, with Gerard’s direction, they pulled up outside a block of flats. “Oh, fancy” Frank commented, leaning forwards in his seat to eye up the building. “Urgh, I wish” Gerard said.

“This was… really nice, thank you” he went on, turning in his seat to face Frank. “I’m uh, really enjoying spending time with you… can we meet up again? Sooner this time” he was adorably apprehensive and it made Frank’s heart flutter.

“Unless you don’t want to, which is fine, I just really like you, and…” Frank rolled his eyes and cut the other off with a soft kiss, surprising himself as well as Gerard.

He’d just done the first thing he had thought of. Gerard froze at first and Frank heard an audible inhale. Within moments however, Frank felt Gerard’s mouth hesitantly move again his. It was feather light and timid as anything, but to the both of them, it felt electric.

Gerard sighed and his eyes slipped shut, shuffling a little in his seat so he was better positioned. Frank moved a hand to gently cup Gerard’s jaw, and when he didn’t recoil, he carefully threaded it into his hair. It was as soft as it looked, Frank thought. It got a little heavy when Gerard made a grunting noise, and Frank ran his tongue against Gerard’s bottom lip. He didn’t pull away instantly, but rather slowly retired back into his seat, looking back at Frank bashfully.

“That was nice” he said breathily, as if it wasn’t the most obvious thing in the world. “It was” Frank beamed, chuckling a little from pure elation. “Urgh, I’m so embarrassing!” Gerard wined, putting his head in his hands. Frank shook his head. “Of course I wanna see you again, idiot” he mocked once he’d gotten Gerard smiling again.

Chapter Text

Frank learned a lot about Gerard in the weeks that followed.

They texted incessantly and had met up two more times since they’d been out for dinner. Nothing crazy, they’d just meambled into town on both occasions and gone for coffee and shopping, but Frank appreciated the simplicity of it. It didn’t feel remotely stressful and it didn’t feel as precious or formal as a dinner. Frank felt he was easier being himself and he thought the same about Gerard too.

Something about being in comic book stores seemed to inspire some kind of fanatical fugue state in Gerard, where he’d just talk and talk, and that horrid self consciousness didn’t follow in the same way it usually did. It wasn’t always all about the books either; it would start that way, but soon naturally flow into something else, and he wouldn’t trip up in the same way he would when he was the only focus.

Frank supposed that in that instance, Gerard felt like he could blend in a little, disappear into the shelves, and feel more free to speak when all eyes weren’t on him. Frank found himself endeared to watch him. The way he flittered about and his eyes scanned everything in view. It occurred to Frank that Gerard must have come here dozens of times, but was still completely overwhelmed with delight.

He’d picked out a few things for Frank to read, and Frank was surprised that he’d actually enjoyed them. He wasn’t quite ready for super heroes and villains, but Gerard had found some horror compilations that were more up his street. For Frank though, it was the process of being gifted them that had given him the most joy, rather than the reading. Gerard had really agonised over it and asked a million questions, Frank couldn’t help but find the energy contagious.

Frank still hadn’t told a soul about Gerard.

He could justify it easily enough, and Gerard had yet to ask about it, but it was starting to eat him up. He knew the admission would change things, not necessarily for the worst, but it would be different.

He knew his friends wouldn’t cast him out, but they’d have questions that Frank didn’t have answers for. A week before, he’d brought up an imaginary colleague who’d come out, purely as an exercise to see his friend’s reaction. There were a couple of sniggers from Mikey, and a few comments that weren’t kind, but overall, there didn’t seem to be hatred there, Frank thought. It emboldened him to consider telling them, anything, but it had yet to come.

Frank didn’t want it this way though, he wanted to show Gerard off, see him more, integrate him more seamlessly into his life.

They hadn’t had the boyfriend talk yet, but Frank hoped it would come soon. Gerard didn’t seem to mind and appeared completely content to take anything Frank had to offer, but that in itself bothered Frank more than anything.

This guy didn’t even have the confidence to consider the idea that being kept a secret was completely wrong. He didn’t have it in him to demand a thing and most troublingly, it hasn’t even crossed his mind. It broke Frank’s heart that he so graciously accepted the bare minimum and it hurt Frank knowing that he was giving just that, the bare minimum.

Not that Frank thought lowly of himself, or that he wasn’t putting in the effort. It was just aspects of a relationship that Frank wasn’t giving, normal and comfortable things, things he desperately wanted for them. All the while Gerard seemed to be blissfully unaware that anything was amiss.

Frank knew on some level he was overthinking it, they weren’t even official yet, and for all he knew, this was casual and Gerard’s lack of attention was a symptom of just that. But somehow, Frank didn’t think that was the case. He caught Gerard staring from time to time, the way he’d blush when their fingers brushed, the distinct adoration in his eyes when Frank talked.

He was such a little weirdo, Frank thought, smiling over at Gerard.

They were sat on a bench surrounded by sprawling green, one of the many parks in the city that seemed to expand out infinitely, the rush of the streets and cars completely out of sight. It was serene in the winter air, there was barely a soul out in the cold, it was like they had the place to themselves.

Gerard had insisted on feeding the ducks, the small few that were there amongst the icy water, saying that no one else would have been doing it. Frank found himself perplexed by Gerard’s line of thinking, amused by it, and mocked him throughout the entire process. “But they’ll go hungry!” Gerard had argued while Frank couldn’t hide laughing at him.

There were three ducks in total and they did seem to appreciate Gerard’s gesture, but Frank couldn’t scrub the sad image of Gerard throwing handfuls of bread at such a meagre audience from his mind, this guy was so strange. Gerard scowled at him while he laughed but it was all in good fun. Gerard tossed the empty bread bag in the bin beside them and settled more comfortably into the bench, his shoulder pressed to Frank’s tentatively.

Frank smiled and linked their fingers, his thumb smoothing over Gerard’s knuckles. Frank didn’t know how long it would take him to get used to holding a man’s hand, though he figured he could. It was stronger, firmer, but Gerard’s skin was baby soft compared to his own, so like velvet that he wanted to bathe in it, feel it all over. Frank blushed at the thought.

“They seem happy” he mumbled, distracting himself. Gerard grinned. “They do” he said triumphantly, admiring his work, the ducks plodding back and forth between the crumbs he’d felt. To Frank, it was the most utterly endearing thing he’d ever seen. Smitten, was the word he’d settled on, and he was pretty sure he’d never felt like this with anyone.

He’d been in love, he thought, but he’d never hung so delicately off of someone like he did Gerard. Everything he did was wonderful to Frank, even feeding the ducks. He had a way about him, it felt homely, safe. “We should have got coffee, I’m freezing” Gerard said, squeezing Frank’s hand and scooting ever closer. Frank smiled and leaned his head on Gerard’s shoulder.

“We could go to a cafe, or something…” he replied sleepily, not really feeling the cold, content where he was. “We could, uh… go to mine? It’s just around the corner, I could show you my art studio… if you wanted, to uh, come over?” Gerard stammered out. Frank blinked and leaned up to look at him. Gerard’s eyes were both searching and seemingly panicked, staring back at Frank as if he was expecting to be laughed at, Frank did not know why.

He on the other hand had only one thing going through his mind, overlooking Gerard’s apparent discomfort. Was Gerard asking him for a coffee or asking him to “come over”? He felt completely blindsided by the mere insinuation. His mind whirred with it and he realised that he hadn’t replied. “Yeah, sure” he said quickly with a nod. Gerard looked over him for a moment longer before he broke the silence with a smile. “Come on then” he stood up and gestured for Frank to follow him.

They walked quietly and Frank was struggling to get a read on it.

Now, obviously, sex with Gerard had crossed his mind more than a dozen times by that point, but he hadn’t expected it so cooly. At the same time, he wondered if that was even the suggestion, he didn’t want to go racing ahead of Gerard if the other hadn’t even contemplated it. He was just going over to see Gerard’s study, Frank told himself over and over. Anything else would be a welcome bonus. He walked beside Gerard then, taking his hand as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Gerard looked deep in thought, a little stressed; Frank caught his eye.

“You okay?” he asked softly, and Gerard seemed to snap out of what ever was going through his mind. “Huh, yeah, sorry… I just…” he paused and stopped walking, facing Frank in the empty street. “I haven’t, um… I don’t have company over that often, really, at all, I’m a bit… sorry, it’s just a bit of a mess” he laughed nervously but looked mortified, like he wanted the ground to eat him up. Frank furrowed his brow. “It’s okay, I don’t care about that” he soothed. “What is it?” he asked, a lump in his throat, overly aware that Gerard seemed very uncomfortable.

“I just… I uh, I’ve had a bad couple of years, sorry…” Gerard stopped again, looking frustrated, his eyes looking a little more glassy than they did before. “Stop saying sorry” Frank said sternly, bringing up their linked hands and kissing the back of Gerard’s, the gesture seemed to calm the other. “I hide away a bit… sometimes. My house it’s like, my, uh… safe place? I’m sorry, it sounds stupid…” he was laughing a little now and didn’t sound as serious, but Frank heard him and did not judge. “It’s not stupid, we can go grab some food instead, if you want” he said.

“No, no… I want to, I trust you and I know it all sounds really heavy but I don’t mean it to. I feel really close to you, Frank” Gerard cleared his throat, embarrassed, and Frank just smiled, relieved that he wasn’t the only one who was down bad. “Me too, Gee” and Gerard’s face lit up.

They were at the apartment in no time and Gerard let them both in with a hand that was clearly shaking, which Frank chose not to bring up in the moment. They stepped in and Gerard immediately took their coats to hang, as if he needed the distraction. Gerard’s words still rang in Frank’s mind, he couldn’t help but wonder what Gerard meant by “a couple of bad years”, but he felt honoured in a way that Gerard would tell him even that much, he was sure the rest would come in time.

At the very least, he appreciated that Gerard having people over was obviously a big deal to him, and Frank felt fuzzy knowing that he’d been trusted with it. It struck him as odd, of course, but he could feel the weight of Gerard’s faith in him and that was enough.

The apartment itself was impeccable. Small, but it felt cozy with lustrous dark paint and heavy wooden bookshelves. Every surface was covered in a carefully curated selection of items, books, records, crystals, antiques. It was cluttered, but Frank wouldn’t have described it as messy, it looked like a museum. It was spotlessly clean. He realised quickly that Gerard’s comment about it being a mess was a ploy, but he didn’t put too much thought into it.

“So, this is me” Gerard piped up nervously, standing to himself on one side of the room. “Gee, it’s fab!” Frank said with pure enthusiasm, looking over every surface and wall. He himself had a gallery wall, but Gerard’s place was more like a straight up gallery, not one space was left untouched, it was masterful. “I can tell you’re an artist” Frank grinned, by which point Gerard had finally relaxed. “I’m not… shut up” he blushed and kicked his feet. He was so damn cute, Frank could barely stand it. “I guess this is the tour” Gerard smiled, clicking the door handle to his right.

The rest of the place followed similarly in style, and Gerard’s art studio was the same, times a thousand. They spent a great deal of time in there, with Frank gushing over everything Gerard had made and Gerard bashfully trying to accept the compliments.

They ended up in the living room with a couple of beers, their legs tangled up as they sat together on the sofa. They’d been talking for hours, and the night had drawn in. The issue of Frank leaving hadn’t come up yet and it was as if neither of them wanted to think about it. But Frank was nodding off and knew he needed to drag himself to bed for work the next morning.

Gerard had loosely brought up his initial discomfort, again apologising and alluding to some event that had made him into a bit of a hermit. Frank did not press but he did find his mind wandering with it, it gave him a feeling in his stomach of sickly worry, intrigue that felt anxious. Frank wondered if it was a bad ex or a family death or something. He didn’t want to make the other uncomfortable still with more questions, but it didn’t help that Frank wanted to know about absolutely everything Gerard. He left it, for tonight, and just before midnight, he was walking to the door with Gerard bidding him farewell.

“I uh…” Gerard paused with his body in the doorway, Frank stood expectantly in the corridor. “What is it?” Frank smiled when it appeared Gerard needed prompting. The other looked serious for a moment before he looked down, giggling to himself. “I have been thinking about it, Frank. Honestly… I just need a little more time” he said. Frank frowned and pursed his lips, confused. Gerard laughed fully then and covered his mouth, looking down again. “I saw your face when I asked you over and, well… I know that look” he said. Frank still stood there dumbly.

Gerard stared at him in disbelief but rolled his eyes with a wide grin. He leaned in and gave Frank an unusually long kiss. It felt heated compared to their normal fare and all of a sudden Frank realised what Gerard meant. “Oh!” he blabbed, pulling away with a look of pure surprise.

“I really like you… it’s just… a big thing for me? But I do… really like you” he breathed, keeping his face close to Frank’s. Frank smiled and leaned in to touch the lock of hair that hung down next to Gerard’s ear, the motion seemed to make Gerard fuzzy, he smiled and leaned into it. “I really like you too”.

Chapter Text

The door shut softly and Gerard could hear Frank’s heavy boots march back down the corridor, the echoes of the modern building ringing loud as they usually did. He stayed stood where he was for some time, forehead pressed against the wood, as if he was listening out incase the other came back.

His stomach was in knots and he couldn’t decide if it was excitement or dread. Which ever it was, he wished that Frank didn’t have to leave.

The longer he stood there, the worse it got.

Gerard sighed and slumped down on his sofa, head in his hands. His mind raced and he couldn’t stop it. He replayed the day over and over and one by one picked out every instance that could have gone better, every time where he might of embarrassed himself. Despite Frank’s kind words, words which in the moment he believed wholeheartedly, he often got like this in the aftermath. With it came the frustration of having the thoughts at all.

Normal people didn’t act like this, he thought to himself, normal people could enjoy things. His frustration grew and he sat there for a long time, picking apart everything until it fell apart.

Was the park a good idea? Should he have succumb and slept with Frank? Was Frank faking being tired so he could leave quicker? Gerard looked up from where he was sat and into the mirror that hung beside him. His hair was a mess and his shirt was crooked; Frank had tried to tidy up his hair, hadn’t he? Gerard felt tears prick in his eyes and he grunted from anguish, rubbing his face furiously and looking away from the mirror.

He sat up and exhaled slowly, a grounding exercise he was more than well acquainted with. Frank had done nothing to make him feel this way, quite the opposite in fact, and he was angry that he couldn’t accept that someone like Frank would pay him many mind.

Gerard stood abruptly and took to tidying up the small amount of mess the pair had accrued. Barely a thing had been touched but Gerard could see all of it, and it bothered him to no end unless everything was just so. This went on for some minutes, but when the next port of call was the vacuum, Gerard had to stop himself and consider that he was spiralling, he’d wake the neighbours, this was ridiculous. He slumped back down and pulled out his phone. It was nearly one in the morning by that point but his therapist reminded him over and over again that he could call any time, night or day, it’s what the courts paid for, after all. Gerard scrolled for a little while first, seeing if he could settle himself enough to sleep, but alas, it came to nothing.

A text from Frank popped up, telling Gerard that he’d gotten home. “I had a really nice day, good night g xx” Gerard stared at it for a while and after the initial warm feeling of Frank’s gentle words, his mind flared again with conspiracy. What did he mean by “nice”? Boring? Did he just feel bad for Gerard? “For fucks… urgh” Gerard huffed, rushing to his contacts and calling up his therapist.

“Evening, Gerard!” came Sarah’s ever cheerful voice after only a couple of rings. Gerard was well aware that she’d probably been in bed; he heard a shuffle and the shut of a door, he supposed her husband was probably sleeping. “Hey, sorry, it’s late…” Gerard said quietly, plodding over to his Juliet balcony and swinging open the door, lighting up a cigarette and leaning into the street.

“Not a problem, Gerard, I keep telling you. What’s going on? You still good for our session tomorrow?” she said. He heard her making a cup of tea. “Yeah, no… I’ll be there” he mumbled. “What’s wrong, Gerard?” she asked again, still fair, patient, as usual. “I just had Frank over…” he breathed. “What happened?” she asked. Gerard gathered himself for a moment, taking a couple of long drags from his cigarette, Sarah did not interrupt him.

“It was nice… I just, you know” he sighed. “What are you thinking about?” she pressed immediately. “That he just feels bad for me, that I’m messing it up, like I’m lying to him” he listed. It was not the first time they’d had this conversation and Sarah suspected that it wouldn’t be their last.

“What did you get up to?” she asked, knowing that a play by play would be the only way to put Gerard at ease. “We went to the shops, the park… we just talked. But… I, we came back here, it was cold… I could see he, well, I think he wanted to, uh, do it? I don’t know. I feel like I let him down” Gerard rambled, Sarah let out a considered hum while she thought of how to approach this.

Gerard had been under her care for nearly four years, she knew him front to back. He’d talked exhaustively about Frank and what that meant for him, and it was definitely a new avenue for them to navigate. Gerard had been brought to her as a victim of assault, among other, far more disturbing, issues, and he had yet to enter a relationship after the fact.

She knew the day would come, but until this point, they had made great strides in Gerard’s recovery, and she hadn’t anticipated how hard this side of things would be.

Gerard had been a bundle of nerves on the matter since day one, to the point where she’d even considered discouraging the relationship. But it was a step that was inevitable and would have to be addressed eventually, she’d concluded. She was very aware that in the mean time he hadn’t really made any friends, and didn’t want to discourage what should have otherwise been an otherwise normal situation in the life of a young man.

“Did he ask you to have sex?” she asked without filter. Gerard choked on his cigarette, and found himself letting out a tentative chuckle. “No, he didn’t… and he uh, didn’t try it on either. But I could see what he was thinking when I suggested we came back here. I hadn’t even thought of it that way” he said. Gerard could hear her tapping a pen. The notes, of course, always.

“Did you say any of this to him?” Gerard shifted uncomfortably, choosing his words. “First thought, Gerard” Sarah laughed; her usual tactic to get the other to speak before he had the chance to self-censor. “Yeah, I did…” Gerard smiled to himself at her effort. “Well, first I told him that him coming over at all was kind of a big step for me… then when he was leaving I told him that I needed time for… stuff like that” he said. “And what did he say?” Gerard sucked hid teeth and sighed. “Nothing, really. He said we didn’t have to go to mine if I didn’t want to and he didn’t seem to care when I said the sex thing, he just said that he really liked me…” Gerard blushed a little at the memory.

“And did he do anything at all to make you think he wasn’t being sincere?” she asked. Gerard huffed again, that horrid embarrassment creeping in when he was faced with the lunacy of his own logic, or lack there of, it seemed. “No, not at all, but… like, it’s weird, isn’t it? It’s weird that I have to say any of that at all, right? He’s gotta be thinking ‘what the fuck is up with that dude’, right?” he replied. “Not at all, Gerard. People can be kinder and more patient than you think, yes?” Sarah was almost scolding him, but he knew she meant well. “Maybe? Yeah. I don’t know… but why, though? I haven’t put out, I’m this like, nervous mess! It all just feels like it’s gonna blow up in my face, or it’s some kind of joke. Why would he… I don’t know” Gerard breathed out, stopping himself before Sarah did.

“Gerard, listen to me. You can’t go on like this, you know that. You have to trust the people you invite into your life. I don’t know this guy, and who knows, he might be an asshole…” Sarah laughed and so did Gerard. “But it’s not about him, it’s about you. You’re going to enter into relationships and friendships and you have got to trust your own decisions.

We’ve done a lot of work and you’re more than ready for it. You have to trust that Frank means what he says, and if you don’t, then you have to reflect on why that is, is it him, or you? Do you see what I mean?” she said. Gerard nodded and quietly took it in, already feeling a lot calmer than he had at the start of the conversation.

“Yeah, I hear you… I guess it’s hard when I spent three years locked in a room” he tried to joke about it but it never landed, it was like crickets down the line. “Have you told him about any of it?” Sarah asked sternly. “God, no… I wouldn’t even know where to start. I don’t… I don’t want him to see me differently” he stammered. “Elaborate on that” she said. “Like I’m some broken thing. It’s too much, I can’t put that on another person” Gerard lit up another cigarette, the cold air was helping his encroaching headache.

“How do you think he’d react?” Sarah asked. “How do you think? Fucking bolt it. I know I would” Gerard’s response was too snappy for Sarah’s liking, emotional and insincere. “Breathe for me, Gerard. How do you think Frank would react?” she pushed again, talking slowly, another common device that Gerard was wholly aware of.

“He’d… be caring, sad…” Gerard talked slow too, giving it the thought he’d been told to. “I don’t want to scare him off. It’s too heavy, Sarah” he sighed. “It is. And obviously I’m not saying to lay it all out right away, especially not after only a couple of months. I’m saying that if sex is coming up as an issue for you both, you really should think about being a little more open with how you’re doing, not specific events per say, just where you’re at emotionally. If you’re trusting him enough to want to take that step, you need to trust him with your feelings, yes?” Gerard nodded lowly in her pause. “You do want to, don’t you? Sleep with him?”.

Gerard couldn’t conceal the smile that crept through intermittently, he and Sarah had never talked about sex like this, he figured that she was probably as embarrassed as he was. “Yeah, I think… I do, I really like him” he mumbled. “And that’s wonderful, Gerard! A new adventure!” Sarah replied happily. Gerard grinned.

“I think you need to have a conversation about boundaries, if he trusts you, he won’t push you for details until you’re ready. And if he’s shitty, well, then, he’s shit” Gerard very much appreciated how she could always turn a conversation around to be positive, no matter what it was. “But you’re not lying or tricking him by taking things slow. You’ve got to know that, yes?”.

“Okay” Gerard said unsure, although he had paid mind to what she’d said. “You have to believe him when he tells you things are going well. Otherwise, what’s the point? For your sake, not his” her voice was light but commanding. “Yeah, I get you” Gerard said calmly.

“Now, Gerard, I call that 2am, and, if I recall, our session is tomorrow at eleven. So I suggest you go to bed” she laughed. “Shit, yeah, sorry…” a pang of guilt that didn’t flare into anything, but still rippled in Gerard’s belly. The usual. “Non of that, see you tomorrow, Gerard. If you feel like you’re in danger, please call me back” she said it automatically, although they both knew that Gerard felt worlds better than he had done an hour before.

“Yeah, okay, see you” Gerard hung up and stubbed out his cigarette on the wall, watching as it cascaded down onto the street below. He locked up and found himself plodding into his bedroom, undressing and throwing on a t-shirt before beginning his obsessive night time routine. Sarah said it was another symptom of his OCD, Gerard said that his skin never had looked better.

He looked through his phone again while his eye cream set, and realised he’d never replied to Frank. “It was so fun, miss you already xoxo” he typed, a little bolder than usual, but he was feeling it. “sorry I didn’t reply, fell asleep lol” Sarah’s words helped elevate the lie, though it still all felt immensely complex for him. He tried his best to shut down that part of his brain, his therapists words in mind, at least until his session in the morning.

The three dots appeared almost immediately, his heart did a little flip. “it’s okay!! just wanted to make sure you were ok” Frank replied, he was typing again before Gerard could reply. “you seemed a little off when I left. but im really into you and I don’t want you to worry about sleeping together or whatever, I just wanna see you, okay? im having the best time” the bubble appeared and disappeared multiple times and Gerard could sense Frank’s nerves in it. It put him at ease so much he could have cried. “me too. thanks for understanding, you’re really great Frankie xxoxo” Gerard popped in a heart emoji for good measure.

He found himself smiling wholeheartedly as if Frank was in the room with him, it was like the warmth radiated from his phone. “ur so cute. I really gotta go bed now tho, talk tomorrow, okay? xxx” Frank replied. “shoot, yeah, have a good shift! Night xoxo” and with that, Frank was offline. Gerard finished up in the bathroom and got settled into bed.

He’d doom scroll on TikTok for a while before he’d let sleep take him, as was normal for him. He never got enough rest, he was working on it, he’d promised Sarah. He had time then to really think about what his therapist had said, and it was finally starting to resonate in a way it hadn’t while she’s been saying it.

Gerard knew he was a long ways off yet, but this felt like step. He prayed he felt the same way when the sun came up. Gerard really, really liked Frank, and maybe, the trust would come, and perhaps, it wouldn’t be so bad.

Chapter Text

Fuck it, Frank thought.

It had been weeks now, encroaching on months, he could not hide this from his friends anymore. The dates he had with Gerard and his time spent away from him were starting to feel like two halves of a fractured personality, and he could not stand it anymore.

He felt like he was lying to everyone, himself included. The habit of his secret texting had come up once again with his friends and he was exhausted with his nebulous deceit, refusing to to use pronouns to describe him, pretending that it wasn’t all that serious. It was getting him nowhere and he knew it would out eventually, whether by choice or not.

What was the alternative? Being six months in and still lying to everyone? It was ridiculous. If they didn’t accept it, then fuck them, Frank thought.

The past couple of months were going well for him. He’d been interviewing for equipment techs at a couple of local music studios and finally felt confident enough to hand in his notice. He’d taken a leaf from Gerard’s book and succumb to more of his hobbies, this flat now paying homage to them, rather than the sterile white cube he’d been living in that did little more than communicate his wealth.

Frank felt himself, and this thing with Gerard was turning out to be both the most freeing thing he’d ever experienced and yet the most suffocating, where it came to his friends.

Frank wasn’t going to suggest a meet and greet or anything of the sort, that was a step for him and Gerard to discuss, but today, he’d tell them. He was sat in Mikey’s front room with the usual haunt, Pat included. They were shooting the shit while Ray and Bert were trying to set up an Xbox. It was less intense than it usually was, they nursed beers but no one was drunk, the sun was still up and they all seemed to be revelling in the fact that the worst of the winter cold was finally over.

It reminded Frank of when they were much younger, when they weren’t as jaded and everything felt a lot less complicated. Back then, Frank didn’t rely on them like he did now, he hadn’t a care in the world, it was a time where their friendship to one another made a lot more sense.

“Mikes, this is garbage” Bert piped up. “Why did you get an Xbox on Facebook market place? It’s probably stolen” Ray chimed in, elbow deep behind the TV, relentlessly plugging and unplugging leads, with small returns. “It was fifty quid, just jiggle it” Mikey scoffed, referring to the plugs, as if he hadn’t called everyone over because he was having great difficulty. Mikey paced over and watched Ray closely, as if it was any help at all. “That one, like, wriggle it in” Mikey pointed down and Frank couldn’t help but laugh at the three of them. How many people did it take to change a light bulb again?

Ray made a kind of frustrated sound like he was a dad changing a wheel, grunting in anger at a son who was doing little more than being in the way. “Wait!” Pat called, referring to a flash of activity on the TV screen. Ray pushed down on same lead and the television lit up again, and Mikey sprung back to look over it with glee. “Yeah! See, told ya” he sang, grinning and looking around for some kind of approval. Bert and Ray shuffled up from behind the TV completely unamused, while Pat and Mikey got to plugging in the controllers.

“That fucking lead is hanging on by a thread, do not fucking touch it” Ray huffed, flopping down on the couch next to Frank. “Bravo Toro” he said, and Ray glanced at him with a smile before rolling his eyes. “What’s the WiFi password Mikes?” Pat asked. “Fuck. Wait, lemme find it” Mikey got up and jogged towards to modem, Frank couldn’t help but put his face in his hands. This was absolutely hopeless.

After some more minutes of back and forth, the group had retreated to the kitchen to refill their drinks, the Xbox left to, very loudly, download whatever game it was that Mikey had chosen.

The conversation was kept cheerful and eventually, as usual, the topic of girls became the entire focus. Frank was happy to listen in and contribute where he could, it still being a great source of entertainment to him to hear these guys fluster over complete nonsense, that had not changed.

But he knew, sooner rather than later, his ‘mystery girl’ would swing around to be the whole focus as it usually did, and he was mentally preparing. There wasn’t much more to consider in that moment, he’d been thinking about this for days. By that point, he hoped that he had prepared enough answers for whatever he anticipated being thrown his way, though he could never be completely sure. Maybe, the thought crossed his mind, that it would be such a non issue that everything he had prepared would go to waste, although, somehow, he figured that this wouldn’t be the case.

Frank did have an out though, he was meeting Gerard for dinner that night, he had somewhere to be that he could excuse himself to if it did get bad. In the mean time, he carefully listened to Bert’s diatribe about being stood up, and the rest of the group dogged on him for his lack of game.

“She was totally trying to blow you off, dude!” Pete was scrolling through Bert’s phone, reading the text exchange between him and this woman. “What do you mean! She agreed to meet up, no?” Bert sounded completely blind sided, while everyone else, Frank included, saw the funny side. “Look, look. She’s just putting “haha” every time you say something. “Haha” is not a reply, Bert” Mikey said, looking over Pete’s shoulder at the phone. “Bert when you told her you were on the way, she put “haha okay”, common, man! She was having you on” he continued. Bert didn’t look hurt, he still seemed completely confused. “But she sent me a pic of her tits…” he said with a smirk, as if everything else was completely mute.

Frank grimaced, looking away, and thankfully Mikey seemed to be the only one who had any interest in the picture. “She’s a dick, nice tits though” Mikey laughed. “Guys, seriously…” Ray said, snatching Bert’s phone away and placing it face down on the table. It did leave a lingering sour feeling in the room, especially with Frank, but it was soon forgotten when the group moved on to the next conquest.

It made Frank madder still that they’d been having such a nice afternoon, for it to be seemingly spoiled by his friends being so gross. They could complain for hours about the fact they never seemed to get any women, and Frank, in the back of his mind, could answer it for them quite simply. It was because they all treated women like shit. Like a game, a list. Frank shook it off by getting engrossed in the next tale, a lecture on manners would be lost on these guys.

“So… Frankie” Pat rolled his neck on the back of the couch he was sat on, raising his eyebrows in Frank’s direction. “How’s the girl?” he sing-songed as he usually did, taking a swing of his drink without another word for dramatic effect.

The room went quiet and all eyes were on Frank, it still felt light hearted, but Frank felt like he was going to be sick. This was it. He had milliseconds to decide whether he was going to go forward with his plan or bottle it once more. He took a moment to look over the expectant faces of his friends. It was indeed, the right time, he figured quickly. No one was drunk, the mood was good, he’d planned for this moment more meticulously than he ever had and he knew he would never again feel so prepared.

“Good” he said simply, testing the water. “Oh common Frank! It’s been like three months! This is the longest you’ve gone without introducing us! Are we really that embarrassing?” Mikey laughed, everyone else roaring in agreement. “Common, dude! Show us a picture at least?” Bert piped up, folding his arms and grinning up at Mikey. “I need to talk to them about whether they wanna meet you guys yet, they’re kind of shy” Frank was willing himself he entire time to just say “he” but it wouldn’t come, he scolded himself for his cowardice and could feel himself getting in his head.

“Oooh, she’s shy!” Pat said with a wink, again met with roaring, mannish laughter. “What’s her name at least?” Ray asked, a little more reservedly than everyone else, he seemed to be the only one in the room who could see Frank’s discomfort, though, admittedly, his curiosity was also getting the better of him. “Gee” Frank croaked, as if that was his big moment, although he immediately realised that it was no name at all, not gendered at least. The reaction was as such, not one of them clocking onto the fact that it was short for Gerard. Frank grimaced.

“Ohh! Gee! How mysterious! Got a picture?” Bert was looming over the phone that Frank played with nervously in his lap. He considered it for a second, seeing it as somewhat of a way of saying what needed to be said without the words. But in the same flash he decided against it, the mere suggestion that his friends might have anything bad to say about Gerard’s appearance would have him throwing hands. “No, maybe another time…” Frank hated that he was starting to sound finicky, pernicious, like he was making something out of nothing, as usual.

“This is ridiculous” Frank cleared his throat, he could see the annoyance on everyone’s faces and he had to admit, he’d have been annoyed too. “The reason I’ve uh…” he paused again, feeling his palms sweat; he breathed out slowly.

“The reason I’ve not told you guys about this is, uh… Gee, he’s, he’s a bloke. There it is” Frank grunted and flopped back, letting out another long sigh as if he’d been holding his breath for six months. He felt almost dizzy, a twist in his stomach but also a wash of relief. It cascaded over him like he was shedding his skin, everything was a new now, for better or worse, he had opened himself up.

There was a noticeable quiet in the room, and Frank had to physically will himself to open his eyes and sit up, it felt like reentering reality.

He was met with a sea of completely stunned faces, each one unmoving. He didn’t detect any kind of vitriol but he was still surprised that not one person had a thing to say. This only went on for a few seconds, but with Frank in the spotlight, it felt like years.

“Like, a man?” Pete said dumbly, although no one seemed to think it was a dumb question at all; they all looked to him and then back to Frank. “Yes?” Frank couldn’t help but laugh. They all looked like their minds had been blown. They really were the most sheltered group in the universe, Frank thought.

“Wow” Mikey said, seemingly the only thing going through anyone’s mind. “We good?” Frank spoke up after another quiet spell. “Yeah” Mikey replied first, the rest producing a series of yeses and grunts in agreement. It went quiet again.

“Any questions?” Frank was grinning ear to ear at this point, he didn’t know what to expect, but it wasn’t this. He couldn’t recall a time in the decade he’d known these people for them to have absolutely nothing to say. “Didn’t see that one coming!” Pat laughed, breaking the ice, matching Frank’s energy.

“Are you like, gay now?” Bert asked, his voice laced with amusement. This was more of what he expected, Frank thought.

“No, I’m bi. And no, I haven’t dated any other guys. This is a first. I didn’t say anything cause I didn’t really understand it myself” he said, the mood in the room finally softening. “Have you fucked?” Bert asked with his signature smirk. “No” Frank cut him off with a knowing smile, winking in his direction.

“You don’t fancy any of us, do ya?” Mikey chimed in. “Shut the fuck up, Mikes” Ray snapped, unserious but serious all the same; Frank appreciated it. “Does he have a big dick?” Bert went off again and Frank rolled his eyes, and Ray smacked him on the back of the head for good measure. The questions that followed were as about as emotionally unintelligent as predicted, but Frank answered it all in good humour.

It didn’t feel malicious but it was definitely ignorant for the most part and Frank hoped that in time they’d settle. He honestly felt like he was talking to a bunch of teenagers, but he had anticipated it. Other than a few smirks exchanged between Mikey and Bert, they were relatively accepting.

Frank knew things would come up in the weeks that followed, but the hard part was over, and he still had his friends, which was a win in Frank’s book. The conversation didn’t move on much further after that until Frank excused himself, and he was very aware they’d continue their debate long after he’d gone. But he didn’t care. He left Mikey’s flat feeling lighter than air.

Chapter Text

Fuck it, Gerard thought.

Today would be the day.

He’d seen Frank shortly after his last therapy session and to say they were both gagging for it would be an understatement. Gerard knew that when push came to shove, it wouldn’t be so straightforward, but thinking about it in its most simplistic sense was the best way to keep Gerard’s mind from racing.

He’d had another phone call with Sarah in the mean time too, grasping at anything to prepare him. It had gotten to a point however where Gerard couldn’t bear to think about it anymore, the over planning was starting to make him feel completely abnormal in a situation that should have been fun and easy.

Gerard didn’t know when he’d tell Frank what had happened to him.

He figured that the boundaries he had set were a small way of trickling in information without it cutting too deeply. He supposed, or hoped, that it would come up when the time felt natural, maybe Frank would ask, but how would Gerard answer? He’d never even told his family the whole story, and they’d only attended two or three days of the trial, so he wasn’t all that versed in telling his own story. It had been years even since he’d had to describe it all to Sarah and it made his skin crawl. He tried not to think about it. The inevitability of it was nauseating but something Gerard was having to learn to accept.

But tonight wouldn’t be about that.

He’d invited Frank over for dinner, a bold move on his part, but Frank had gleefully agreed. Gerard knew that the insinuation was clear from the way it was asked, and he prayed that he’d be able to go through with it. After all, he was still a young man. He had thoughts, he’d touched himself - especially since meeting Frank, and he wasn’t going to let his trauma dictate this like it had every other aspect of his life.

Gerard smiled to himself knowing that least, if it all went to shit, that he could trust Frank to stop. It was the bare minimum, but it wasn’t something he’d ever experienced before. He’d never had a boyfriend, not really, and he’d never had sex consensually, that was the reality he was working with. Gerard would tell Frank one day, just not today.

He’d spent all day preparing food, cleaning the flat, dying his hair. He felt proud of himself in a way how well it was going, that he could like someone and that someone could like him back. It took Gerard from his dark place and brought him into reality, away from the mundanity of his usual life. Everything he did revolved around self improvement and it was so freeing to live in the moment again.

Seven o’clock quickly approached and Gerard started to pull food from the oven to cool. It was nothing special but Gerard rarely cooked at all, so he was feeling particularly pleased with himself. On cue, the buzzer rang, and Gerard still found himself jumping even though he was expecting it. “Come on up” he said happily into the receiver when he heard Frank’s cheerful voice greet him. Nerves hit him and melted away in a loop while Gerard waited for the knock on his door.

“Get it together, Gerard…” he mumbled to himself, bouncing his leg while he stood in the corridor. A gentle tap came and Gerard immediately felt at ease seeing Frank stood before him when the door swung open. It was like a light entering the room, a warmth, something normal and safe.

“Hey, baby” Frank said with a wide smile, eyes bright and intentional. He had such damn good skin, Gerard thought, blushing. Frank produced a bunch of flowers from behind his back and Gerard stood there completely ill prepared, staring back with his hands raised. “You didn’t have to…” Frank cut him off with a firm kiss to his lips, the flowers placed carefully in his waiting hands. “I know. I don’t care” Frank was still grinning.

“Something smells good” he continued, looking over Gerard’s shoulder towards the kitchen island, as if Gerard was so stunned that he needed manoeuvring. “That’s so kind of you, these are lovely, thank you” Gerard held the flowers to his face to give them a quick sniff, and Frank watched him doe-eyed as if it was the most precious thing he’d ever seen. Gerard leaned in to return the kiss and they took it slow.

It was delicate yet deliberate, Gerard could feel tingles up his whole body. They parted with nervous laughter before Gerard turned on his heel and headed for the kitchen, his face a deep red that he tried hard to conceal from Frank.

He quickly prepared a vase while Frank hung up his coat and took off his shoes, before he perched against the counter where Gerard was now stirring a saucepan. “Gee, you didn’t have to do all this, I would have been happy with a takeaway” Frank giggled, walking up behind the other and snaking his arms around Gerard’s waist. Gerard’s breath hitched a little from the intrusion but he sighed into it, leaning back again Frank ever so slightly.

“How was your day?” he asked simply, smiling to himself knowing that Frank was impressed with his offering. “Good, really good actually” Frank replied, backing up a little but keeping a hand on Gerard’s back. “Yeah?” Gerard said absently, taking the sauce from the hob and reaching up to retrieve some plates.

“Yeah… I, uh… came out to my friends” Frank sounded a little less confident than usual and Gerard paused what he was doing, turning to face the other when he could sense the gravity of what had been said. “Oh! Shit… good?” Gerard took Frank’s hand in his and touched it gently, carefully looking over Frank’s face while he spoke. “Yeah, it went… okay? Like they’re fine with it, I just…” Frank huffed and looked down for a moment. “They’re so blokey, they don’t really take anything seriously… I told them about you. They were… it was fine. Some times I wish I could talk to them better, y’know?” Frank rushed through the last part, his eyes flicking between Gerard’s face and the ground.

“That’s amazing, Frank… I’m sorry they’re not, well, some times people don’t get it… but, do you feel better? For it?” Gerard was radiant to Frank. “Yeah, I really do” Frank replied with a smile, leaning in for another short kiss. “I don’t wanna hide you, Gee. I don’t want you to ever think I’m ashamed of you. I… like you so much” he mumbled, forehead still pressed against Gerard’s. “I know you don’t, it doesn’t feel like that at all… I know this is all new for you” Gerard replied, feeling suddenly guilty that he’d be the cause of any turbulence in Frank’s life, though he was able push it down before it ruminated, focusing instead on Frank’s soft expression. “I can see you thinking, you have nothing to feel bad for” Frank quipped.

“Huh?” Gerard was completely blind sided. “I know you, a little, right?” Frank laughed. “I know you’re an over thinker, Gerard. Don’t think on it, okay? Promise? I’m all good” he stayed close to Gerard, their noses nearly touched. Gerard blushed and whipped back around to what he was doing, Frank giggled.

“Sorry, um… I wasn’t, shut up!” Gerard was horribly embarrassed but Frank’s laugh was infectious. “Do you need me to do anything?” Frank asked, leaning back on the counter to stay out of the path of Gerard’s scurrying feet. “No, no. Go sit, I’m nearly done” Gerard grinned at him and Frank backed up with his hands raised, settling at the small table Gerard had set up, table cloth and all.

The conversation flowed as easily as it usually did while they ate.

Gerard got to learn a little more about Frank’s friends. To Gerard, Frank seemed very conflicted but he could understand how close their bond was. The subject of Gerard’s friends, or lack thereof, was quietly skirted around, he was an expert at that, he didn’t want the conversation heavy tonight. “My brothers called Mikey, too” Gerard hummed. “Oh, yeah?” Frank said without giving it too much thought.

He went on then about his job interviews, and Gerard listened intently. Everything Frank got up to just sounded so cool to Gerard, as childish at it seemed, even this many conversations in, everything he said was like gold dust.

They ended up on Gerard’s sofa, limbs interwoven, while Frank absently scrolled through the TV. “I kinda wanna watch Lord of The Rings…” he mumbled, not taking his eyes off the screen. “We can’t watch TV for ten hours” Gerard laughed, glancing up at the other, his head settled in the crook of Frank’s neck.

“No, like…” Frank chuckled. “We can watch the first one” he said. “That’s no way to do it!” Gerard replied, tutting. “Or, we watch one tonight and we’ll watch the second one next time I come over” Frank pouted. Gerard grinned. “Oh no, I’d hate that…” he said sarcastically, nuzzling into Frank’s jaw.

Frank smirked back, but they did eventually agree on it. Gerard produced some popcorn and a blanket from seemingly no where, settling back next to Frank while the opening monologue of Fellowship murmured through the surround sound.

“How many times have you seen this?” Frank whispered, leaning in, and Gerard laughed. “Oh, like, ten million times” he said. “You?” Frank giggled. “Oh yeah, same” he smiled, shuffling into the sofa even further, holding Gerard’s hand under the blanket. They watched in a comfortable silence, mumbling to each other whenever they had some factoid to share, which the other would inevitably already know. Gerard was so comfortable that not one intrusive thought entered his mind. He was, for the first time in many years, living completely in the moment for what it was, no thoughts of past embarrassment or future mistakes. Frank had been playing with the back of his hair and rubbing his neck for at least half an hour and it felt completely natural. No one had ever touched him like that but the thought didn’t even cross his mind.

Just before the movie ended, Frank hoisted himself up and said he’d gotten too hot under the blanket. He perched on the edge of the sofa and pulled his hoodie over his head, and his skin-tight tee inevitably rode up with it, if only for a moment, and Gerard couldn’t help but stare. He was caught almost immediately and blushed so instantaneously that he felt his face burn. Frank grinned and placed his hoodie next to them, slumping down next to Gerard. “What is it, Gee?” he teased, folding his arms as if he was scolding the other. Gerard hid his face a little in the cushion that was in his lap, before he turned to look back at Frank.

“I didn’t know… you had so many tattoos” Gerard murmured. It was partly true, but it was mostly a convenient excuse to not mention that he’d caught sight of Frank’s very defined abs. It wasn’t as anxiety inducing as Gerard feared it would be, but it was as if all of a sudden that Gerard became very aware of his body. Not just the shape of it, compared to Frank’s at least, but he was also firmly back in the room, not in the dreamy intimate head space he’d been in with the distraction of the film. Frank seemed to sense this, and he leaned in to give Gerard a long, considered kiss, his hand cupping Gerard’s flushed cheek.

“Are you okay?” he asked in barely a whisper, pecking him again. Gerard smiled and leaned his head into Frank’s hand. “Yeah” he croaked out. Gerard took the lead then and kissed Frank, leaning his body towards the other. Frank let out a content noise and put a hand on Gerard’s hip, his thumb gently grazing the bare skin that peaked out from his shifted jumper. Gerard squirmed a little unintentionally, and abruptly felt the nerves of the expectation that now faced him. Frank stopped. “Is this okay?” he said softly, not breaking his eye contact with the other. Gerard only had to think for a second. He was ready.

They ended up in Gerard’s bedroom.

It wasn’t the usual chaotic lustful dash that Frank was accustomed to in these situations, it was more considered, thoughtful. To Frank, it felt dreamy. They’d continued to kiss on the sofa for some time. Things didn’t really heat up, it felt more like they were getting their bearings, checking boundaries, figuring each other out. The kiss deepened, but every now and again they’d pull away, check in with each other, laugh, look over one another. Frank didn’t know why, but he could feel that Gerard was in need of such care, and honestly, so was he. His heart thumped with anticipation, he was nervous and excited in equal measure.

The uncertainty was new, but he was enjoying how nothing yet seemed to be goal oriented, they were just enjoying each other. Even in relationships, Frank wasn’t so used to setting the scene, it was always quick and messy and dripping with lust.

And that wasn’t a bad thing, this was just - new, Frank thought. He couldn’t help but feel a twitch in his pants thinking of it being quick and messy with Gerard too, but he tried not to get ahead of himself.

Right now, truthfully, he didn’t know what he was doing, and Gerard needed him to take it easy, so this was perfect. Frank was completely mesmerised by all of it. The way Gerard kissed, the way his body reacted to the smallest of touches, how his back arched when he leaned in.

They were both kneeled up on Gerard’s bed, Frank’s hands on the other’s hips and Gerard’s arms resting on Frank’s shoulders. Gerard’s hands were absently caressing Frank’s back, and his shirt was pulled up with it, Frank shivering at the sensation of Gerard’s nails on his skin. Frank broke the kiss and pulled his shirt over his head, figuring that it was nearly off anyway, hoping that Gerard wouldn’t mind. He carefully let it fall to the ground beside them before focusing back in on Gerard, whose eyes were all over Frank.

“You’re so hot” Gerard seemed to say on instinct, immediately putting a hand to his mouth as if it had literally slipped out. Frank chuckled. He leaned in and gave Gerard a quick peck, thumbing the hem of Gerard’s jumper. “Can I…?” Frank said softly, and Gerard nodded slowly, eyes wide, still clearly wracked with nerves.

“Y-yeah” he murmured, lifting his arms weakly to help the other. It was placed on the ground next to Frank’s tee. “You’re beautiful” Frank said, taking in all that he could see and really meaning it. Gerard looked thinner than he often did, usually bundled up in layers of clothing. His skin was pale but as soft as Frank thought it would be, he looked soft, with a slight delicate curve to his back and hips. It wasn’t feminine but then it was, it was just Gerard. Frank put a careful hand to the other’s chest and he swore he felt him shudder. Gerard was looking down sheepishly, and Frank peppered his face with kisses, bringing him back to focus on Frank.

“Sorry, um… okay” Gerard was shushed when Frank’s lips trailed to his jaw, sucking lightly on the pulse just below his ear. “Mmm…” a noise escaped him that he was fairly sure he’d never made before, and he would have felt shameful about it if Frank didn’t moan straight back into the shell of his ear.

“You’re beautiful” Frank repeated, cupping the other side of Gerard’s neck and kissing down to his collar bone, hard. Gerard was absolutely on cloud nine. The part of him that should have been ruining this had completely left him in that moment. His head felt heavy and hot in the best possible way and the air felt dense. All he could feel was Frank’s heat on him, he was as hard as a rock, something he hadn’t experienced in years, not with another person, not like this.

Chapter Text

It was like his bed was a bubble of safety and he could trust Frank implicitly. Every now and again, his therapists words would flash through his mind if he started to feel uneasy, but it was nothing a reassuring squeeze from Frank couldn’t solve.

Sad as it was, Gerard simply did not know that sex could be good. He certainly had no experience of this careful, loving, tentative version of it. He just couldn’t get over the way Frank looked at him, touched him, as if he was worthy of such praise. Frank was a work of art compared to him, yet it seemed that Frank was just drinking him in. Emboldened, Gerard grunted and trailed his hands from Frank’s shoulders to his waist, and then to his belt, carefully bringing his shaky hands towards the buckle.

Frank had noticed, but left Gerard to lead a little, not wanting to overwhelm him. The fact that Gerard had wanted to wait to do this was still at the forefront of Frank’s mind. He didn’t question it, and besides, this going slow thing was doing all sorts for him, so he was happy to oblige.

Gerard did try at his buckle but was clearly struggling. So, Frank sat up, and slowly undid his belt, popping open his fly and keeping eye contact with Gerard the whole time. It looked like a damn strip tease and Gerard was more flustered than ever. He could see then that Frank was also tattooed on the bones of his hips, and Gerard instinctively went to touch them. Frank slid his jeans down, revealing his boxer shorts, and his very obvious erection.

Gerard could do nothing but stare at this toned, tattooed body that sat in front of him, unashamedly on offer, all for him. His self consciousness dawned on him then, quite abruptly, and he tried his best to distract himself with the task at hand. But when Frank went for the button the other’s trousers, Gerard froze, a sickly feeling rushing from his head to his stomach.

Being undressed by another did not hold good memories for him. Frank leaned up from his current attack on Gerard’s neck when he felt his body stiffen, looking into his face deeply, letting his hand fall from Gerard’s clothes. “Baby?” he hushed, petting the side of Gerard’s head, the other finally refocusing on him.

“Hmm? Sorry, I’m just… it’s been a long, long time” Gerard tried to laugh but it came weakly, Frank kissed him again. “We can stop if you want?” he replied gently. “No! No… please, I… I, want to…” Gerard jumped in quick, a small smile on his lips, as if the suggestion that Frank would stop if prompted was enough to set his mind straight.

Gerard softly took Frank’s hand and placed it back where it had been, and Frank took the opportunity to go a little further down, rubbing Gerard’s hard on through the fabric, hoping it would switch Gerard’s brain off again. It seemed to work, Gerard whimpered at it and bucked his hips. Frank smirked. “You like that, baby doll?” Gerard was about to loose his mind at these pet names; he nodded furiously.

Frank could feel the outline of Gerard’s cock and it made him giddy. He was feeling remarkably confident in his usual leadership role given that this was the first time he was sleeping with a man.

The exploration of it was enthralling, it felt more special, somehow. Every time he got to touch a new part of Gerard, Frank’s stomach flipped. He worked Gerard through his trousers until the other basically begged him to take them off, and they laid side by side while they both slipped off the rest of their clothes.

It took a few more long, encouraging kisses from Frank before Gerard too took off his underwear. But soon enough, Frank was straddling Gerard, both as naked as the day they were born.

Gerard’s confidence did not seem to wain in that moment.

The light was dim, and Frank nipped and kissed his way down Gerard’s torso like he was the most perfect thing he’d ever laid eyes on. Gerard let a string of sounds tumble out while he was teased, and he wouldn’t let his mind race forward, basking in the surprise of whatever Frank had to offer him.

Frank settled at his hips, biting down on the soft skin of his pubic bone. Frank was hit with the sudden realisation that he was back to not knowing what he was doing. It wasn’t a negative, he was just very aware that his face was inches away from another man’s cock, and if he didn’t act on it soon, Gerard might explode. He could have laughed.

He glanced up at Gerard who was totally red in the face, both arms twisted into the pillows above his head, gripping them for dear life.

Frank wasn’t sure if he’d ever turned someone on so much.

Gerard was totally lost in the heat, not a single other thought clouded his mind, all he could think about was Frank. He peered down at see Frank looking back at him, a mischievous smile while his hand firmly moved up Gerard’s bare thigh. “Please…” he murmured, and Frank’s smile grew. “I’ve never done this before, sorry if it’s shit” he laughed, breaking through the intensity, Gerard laughed too.

“I don’t care” he breathed out, still grinning. Frank just went for it, taking Gerard in his mouth as far as he could, thinking back to how it was done on him in the past. Gerard immediately lifted his hips and Frank pinned them, the noise of discontent Gerard made going straight to Frank’s crotch.

“Fuck…” Gerard moaned, trying his best to keep still. This had never been done to him before.

Frank bobbed his head and jerked off with his hand what wouldn’t fit in his mouth. He was enjoying everything about this, the weight, the taste, Gerard’s sounds, the way the muscles in his thighs tightened whenever he shuddered. Frank couldn’t believe it had taken him so long to even think about sleeping with a man, but he was glad it was Gerard, his Gerard, now a sobbing mess writhing below him.

“F-Frank… I can’t, please…” he choked. Frank smirked and crawled up Gerard’s body. “Please, what?” he kept it smooth but he was aching too. He reached between his legs and jerked himself a few times, knowing Gerard was watching him. “Fuck, Frank… fuck me…” Gerard breathed. He was trying to look Frank in the eye but he couldn’t help but let his glance wander down.

“Yeah?” Frank leaned in and kissed Gerard softly, and it was immediately reciprocated. Despite the fact they’d both been thinking about this for weeks, desperate for it, it remained slow and intense, loving.

Frank wasn’t sure if he’d ever made love to someone.

“Y-yeah” Gerard said with a smile. There was still a lot more fumbling to be had, both of them enamoured with the exploration, they could have easily finished the night like that. Gerard at some point ended up between Frank’s legs, and Frank had to practically beg not to be jerked off to completion; Gerard was immaculate with his hands, it turned out.

Gerard was on it his back, and Frank was gearing up to use the bottle of lube that had been thrown his way. Gerard looked absolutely wanton below him, his erection pressed up to his abdomen, angry red as if it had been left untouched for hours. He was slick with sweat, his hair sticking to his face; Frank figured he probably looked similar.

“Go slow… it’s, been a while…” Gerard croaked, although Frank already figured as much. “Don’t worry, baby….” Frank murmured into his ear, kissing him hard on the neck while he slowly worked his fingers into the other. Frank wasn’t an expert but he had done this before, he knew the deal. Gerard seized a little beneath him but he breathed through it, and soon enough the room was filled again with those deliciously desperate sounds.

Gerard seemed to stare eagle eyed while Frank rolled on the condom, but there was a flash of panic in him that Frank noticed immediately.

“You okay, baby?” Frank pressed their foreheads together when he said it, kissing Gerard carefully on the cheek, then his temple, bringing him away from the velocity of the moment, if only briefly.

Frank didn’t know why he had to make Gerard feel so safe, but he knew it implicitly, and wanted to do nothing more. Gerard’s face softened and he kissed Frank on the lips. This was everything. “Y-yeah” he said, wrapping his arms around Frank’s shoulders and urging him to continue.

Frank smiled and kissed him again, long and intentional, savouring it before things would inevitably heat up again. Gerard appreciated it, it seemed, and melted back into Frank.

He hadn’t meant to snap out of it and make it so obvious to Frank, but he had soon settled again, sincerely. Something about the sudden loss of skin contact and the mechanical nature of Frank preparing himself took him right out of what ever he was feeling. He came to realise that he needed that constant touch, the intimacy of it, any time spent away from it gave his mind a chance to whirr up any doubts or memories he had. Frank checking in with him filled his heart with that fuzzy warmth which radiated into his entire body, pulling him right back down to earth.

Frank snuck his hand in between them while they kissed, jerking them both off slowly with one hand, as best he could. He was pleased to find that Gerard’s erection had not flagged at all, and he went right back to shuddering and moaning underneath him. Frank couldn’t bear it any longer. With Gerard now firmly back in the mood, he got to it. “You’re so fucking perfect, baby doll… can’t wait to open you up” it was pure filth and Frank knew it, but it was how he usually spoke in these situations, he couldn’t help but wonder what Gerard thought of it.

Truth was, Gerard didn’t leave him guessing long. Frank felt his cock twitch between them and Gerard audibly moaned before covering his mouth.

“You like me talking to you like that, Gee?” Frank said, low and husky. Gerard’s face grew even redder if that was at all possible, his chest heavy. “Frankie… please, you’re killing me…” he smiled a little, which put Frank at ease too, but he was almost shaking with want, precum now smeared on his stomach. Frank grinned and sat up, threading his arms under Gerard’s thighs and pushing them back slightly, all the while staying as close to Gerard as he could. “Nice and wet for me…” Frank was so worked up he’d sure he’d cum as soon as he penetrated the other, he had to take a few steady breaths and pray to God that he wouldn’t. He didn’t miss a beat. He encouraged Gerard to keep hold of his legs, so he could use a free hand to guide himself in.

There it was, the promised red hot heat and tightness of Gerard’s wanting body. Frank felt a ripple of pleasure shoot through him like electricity, right down to his toes. He was so happy he could have died. He kept a close eye on Gerard as he went, inch by inch, but Gerard’s face was pure bliss. His eyebrows were knitted but his mouth hung open, relaxed, he was almost drooling. Frank could have drooled just looking at him. “Fuck, Gee…” he moaned, pulling out a touch, pushing back and entering more of that delicious heat. “Mmhm..” Gerard murmured, feeling every slight movement down to his bones.

They went slow for some time while Gerard adjusted but in the end, their tastes appeared the same, and they sped up to a brutal force.

Frank was surprised but enthralled by how well Gerard took it, and Gerard thought much the same about himself. He never thought he’d experience this type of bliss, he didn’t know it was even possible. But there was Frank, a man who’d not long been a stranger, making him feel more alive than he ever had. “You… feel amazing…” Frank drawled, all embarrassment out the window. Gerard’s legs were wrapped tight around Frank’s waist and the bed creaked beneath them with every snap of Frank’s hips.

“Urgh, fuck, Frank… oh my God, ha, ah…” Gerard was a string of nonsense at that point, he could feel himself close to the edge. “You… gonna cum f-for me?” Frank just about managed, completely out of breath; he could feel the other get ever tighter. Gerard came hard, his thighs clamping around Frank with such force that it nearly stopped his movements, Frank was sure he’d bruise. Frank didn’t last much longer, muttering a string of filth before collapsing onto Gerard’s chest, heaving; he could hear Gerard’s heart thumping in his ear. “Jesus…” he huffed. He felt Gerard’s arms pull up around him and he hugged the other right back, he felt like he was going to pass out.

“Fuck…” Frank was scanning his brain for something to say but it was complete mush, he could feel his eyelids getting heavy. “You good?” he mumbled after a while, and he felt Gerard’s body move with a chuckle.

“So good” Gerard hummed back, sounding about as wrecked as Frank did. Frank did eventually roll off him, tossing the condom into the trash gracelessly, thanking the heavens that he didn’t miss.

Gerard sat up in the bed and rubbed his face, looking over at Frank completely dazed, the other couldn’t help but laugh. “Been a while then?” Frank joked, snuggling up to him and playing with his hair, placing a soft kiss on his shoulder. “You have no idea” Gerard giggled, leaning his head onto the top of Frank’s.

“Coffee?” Frank suggested after a while, standing up and putting on his underwear, stretching his limbs as he went. He looked over at Gerard when he didn’t answer, and Gerard quickly ducked his head with a blush. “What?” Frank laughed. “You’re so hot what the fuck” Gerard spoke honestly his first thought, embarrassing as it was. Frank smiled and perched on the bed next to him. “You ain’t too bad yourself” he said, watching carefully as Gerard’s face lit up with it.

“Shut up…” he mumbled with a smile. “Plus, you’re allowed to look at your boyfriend” Frank panicked when he said it but it didn’t last long, the light in Gerard’s eyes illuminating the whole damn room. “Boyfriend?” Gerard replied shyly. “Yup. Coffee?” Frank stood up again. “Yeah, please” and he could feel Gerard’s grin bore into him as he left the room.

Chapter Text

The next few weeks felt like a dream to Frank.

He finally got away from his old job, and was settling in well as a junior sound engineer at a local theatre. It wasn’t where he thought he’d end up, and in honesty he wasn’t sure he’d enjoy it. But it was a lot more involved than he anticipated, they often had live sets to organise and Frank was fascinated meeting a larger variety of musicians.

It was fast paced and chaotic, the complete opposite of his previous job, he looked forward to it now. He was also enjoying not being in charge so much. The junior role worked essentially like a paid apprenticeship, so there was little real decision making on his part.

It gave Frank the bandwidth to be more considerate of his free time, to actually enjoy it without worrying about what Monday may bring. He was responsible for no one but himself and he was told repeatedly that he was doing a good job.

Gerard absolutely adored that Frank worked at a theatre. When he’d told the other, Gerard had laughed with giddy amusement, wanting to know all the ins and outs, and naturally, when he’d be entitled to discounted tickets. Frank had scolded him with a grin but told him that the tickets would be free. Gerard was always enamoured by any art space, and the first time Frank had showed him around, Gerard had essentially interviewed anyone he came across on the spot, enthusing about just about everything. He was so weird, Frank thought, though he seemed to leave a good impression on his colleagues.

That was the other thing with working at the theatre. Frank had gone in completely adamant to be himself, no ifs or buts. He hadn’t come out at his old job, too much hassle, he’d figured. No one there was worth the time to explain it, no one would have been invested either way. Here however, the overall impression Frank got was far more personable, and when he’d been asked on day one about whether or not he had a “partner”, he had answered honestly without pause. Of course, Gerard had to make the obvious joke about it being okay to be queer in a theatre company, but it was what it was and Frank was just happy to finally be in a space that wouldn’t bat an eye at it.

When life came to Gerard, Frank was feeling just as optimistic. They had been dating for nearly five months at that point, official boyfriends for just over two. Frank had zero complaints.

They seemed to fit together so utterly perfectly that it almost beggared belief, it was as if, to Frank at least, that they were destined to have met eachother. Frank had not laughed in all his life as much as he had the past few months and he could see a little light start to shine in Gerard too. Frank had been very well aware of how stagnant his life had felt before he met Gerard, but he never would have imagined how quickly he could blossom given the right circumstances.

He and Gerard laughed about being obsessed with eachother but it was true, and they seemed to have found eachother at just the right crossroads in time for it to come to such fruitful fruition. Frank couldn’t even remember now how he felt in those months leading up to their meeting, it felt to him like an entirely different person.

This sort of slow, meandering thing who was just about content enough to bother staying alive. Now, Frank didn’t go a day without grinning ear to ear, excited for what ever was going on with work or whatever Gerard was going to come up with next. For pity’s sake, Gerard had taken him to the aquarium the week before to meet the penguins, for absolutely no reason at all besides pure enjoyment.

Frank had never seen life that way.

When it came to Frank’s friends, the story was a little different. It wasn’t bad, per se, but things hadn’t really changed in the way he had wanted them to. Life with them very much went on as usual with no mention of Gerard. Ray was the only one who seemed remotely curious but he’d be laughed out of asking, moving on quickly to what ever inane topic everyone else wanted to discuss.

Frank didn’t want them poking their noses in too far, but he also didn’t appreciate that his months of worrying about it had essentially been for nothing, as they did not seem to care at all. It wasn’t carelessness in the sense that they were cool with it, that they didn’t press because it wasn’t an issue, it came across rather as complete disinterest. It struck Frank because all they ever talked about was them falling in and out of bed with people, and now that Frank actually had something to brag about, he was not asked.

He got the creeping sense that they must have been talking about it behind his back. There was no way in hell that they had no thoughts on it at all, and it made Frank’s skin crawl thinking about what they might have been saying.

In the weeks that has passed he really had to face the idea that he might have just outgrown them, a thought that had fluctuated in and out of his mind for months. Bert and Mikey had gone particularly quiet, and Frank was sure Mikey had even given him the side eye when he thought the other wasn’t looking. He’d rather them all just have it out if there was a problem, but it never came. Instead the days went on like they always did, surface level and easy, bugged by this undercurrent that something was going unsaid.

Frank had decided quite suddenly that he wouldn’t have it anymore.

He didn’t want Mikey to feel ambushed but he couldn’t deal with only getting two or three word answers from him anymore whenever they talked. It was different and Frank was fed up of absolutely no one in the group acknowledging it.

He’d texted Mikey about coming over, and Mikey had dismissively told him that they were all due to go out that night anyway. Frank made up some string of lies that made it sound absolutely essential that he get ready at Mikey’s place and Mikey appeared to have allowed it begrudgingly, but later saying he’d asked Ray to join. Frank grunted in frustration but figured that Ray seemed to have enough of an understanding of the situation for Frank to just out and tell him his intentions.

“hey dude. I’m headin to Mikey’s in a sec and I know he asked you to come” Frank punched into his phone, hitting send before continuing.

“hey frnk excited for tonight! yeah mikes said you were getting ready?” Ray replied before Frank could clear himself up. He could only laugh, his guy was chronically on his phone. “yeah well, can you be late or something? I wanted to go over there to talk to him” Frank said. “oh shit, you good?” Ray typed back immediately. He couldn’t remember the last time any of them had asked how he was.

“yeah” Frank paused, thinking of a way to word it delicately. “he’s been a bit off with me, rught? I wanna see what’s up”. Describing him as a little off was definitely the understatement of the century but Frank didn’t want to sound too inflammatory, he had no idea where Ray stood on the matter.

“I get you man, I’ve thought the same” Frank let out the longest sigh of relief. “he’s been a bit weird about your thing with gee” he went on. Frank frowned. “how so?” Frank didn’t really want to know but he couldn’t help himself. There was a delay before Ray replied. “I dunno man, you need to talk to him, I don’t wanna get involved” he said. Frank grunted.

He tried not to get annoyed at Ray, the guy was just noble to a fault, he didn’t do gossip. Frank knew this so didn’t grill him over text, it was better saved for if they got a sober moment alone. “fair enough man, I’ll see you later. hopefully haha” Frank replied. “I’ll be like thirty mins late, sound good??” Frank smiled and agreed.

Frank pulled up to Mikey’s feeling that horrid weight he’d felt on him when he’d come out. It felt worse this time somehow, he had no tools prepared for whatever Mikey was going to say. There was a part of Frank that wondered if he’d engage at all, if he’d just resort to bluntly telling him that there was no issue, and leave it hanging in the air like a bad smell.

Frank huffed and knocked on the door, going for the handle and opening it a crack, the motion something he was perfectly used to doing, but somehow felt strange after all these weeks, he didn’t feel as welcome as he usually did. “Mikes?” Frank called out, shutting the door behind him and setting his rucksack down as he went. He did indeed bring a shirt and his hair products with him, thinking it best to at least pretend to be getting ready, so Mikey wouldn’t feel attacked.

“In here” Mikey called from his front room. Frank walked through, the other was sat in his arm chair tying up his boots. “You can get dressed in my room, or whatever, I don’t mind” Mikey said to him without looking up. This was what Frank was talking about. It wasn’t direct, but it was decidedly cold in feeling, subtly passive aggressive in a way that Frank did not expect or appreciate from his friends. “Right” he replied just as coldly, heading up and throwing on the shirt, not wanting to waste any time before Ray showed up. He bombed back down stairs and now Mikey stood in the kitchen, nursing a beer. “What’s new?” he barked, again not really looking at Frank.

Frank sucked his teeth and tried to keep a clear head, but this was already infuriating. He hadn’t spent time with Mikey one-on-one in weeks and he knew it would be bad, but it was like Mikey wasn’t even trying. “Not much, you?” Frank replied, keeping his distance in the doorway. Mikey hummed and went straight to his phone. Frank could feel his blood boil.

“Have we got a problem?” Frank absolutely detested conflict, he felt sick at the turn in his own voice. “What?” Mikey looked up with an absolutely blank expression, almost like he was annoyed at being interrupted. It was so fucking rude, Frank thought. “You’ve been blanking me for weeks, don’t pretend you haven’t been, what’s your problem?” Frank blurted out all at once, he could feel himself sweat with the nerves.

“Ah, dude. Whatever. Don’t do this, we’re going out tonight. Don’t make something out of nothing” Mikey scoffed, waving his hand at Frank dismissively. Frank’s anger went from zero to one-hundred immediately, he hadn’t expected to get ramped up so quickly.

“I’m not making something out of nothing! You’ve been off with me for fucking weeks and I’m fed up with it. We’ve been friends for years and all of a sudden you wanna give me the silent treatment? At least be a fucking man and own up to it!” Frank didn’t know where he’d found the guts to say all that, but underneath the rage, he was glad he did. “Well, one of us has got to be the man here…” Mikey said under his breath, a small smile playing on his lips, like he was pleased with himself.

“What the fuck did you say?” Frank snapped, taking a step closer. There was no way in hell he was ever going to fight Mikey, or anyone for that matter, but the motion made him feel a little bigger.

Mikey rolled his eyes and finally put his phone on the table. “It’s just all a bit fucking weird, isn’t it?” he started. “One day you’re just one of the guys and the next you’re having this fucking reinvention, finding yourself or whatever bullshit, acting like you’re better than all of us! Because, what? You’re a puff now? Great! Let’s all fucking applaud Frank for his little self discovery” he ranted, getting just about as animated as Frank was.

“Well, since we’re being honest or whatever the fuck this is, I don’t like it, okay? It’s gross and I don’t wanna see it. Happy now?” Mikey turned on the spot and hit his hands onto the kitchen table out of sheer frustration. “Fuck!” he hissed, back still turned to Frank.

“Are you being for real right now?” Frank said, a little less angry than before, he was now completely blindsided, stood in complete shock.

“Yes! I don’t hang out with people like that, do I? Look at our friends, why would you think we’d want somebody like you here?”. Frank felt it cut deep, his eyes brimmed with tears. “Someone like me?” he spat, trying to conceal his upset. “Look, Frank. You’ve always been my homie, right? But you’ve changed, yeah? This isn’t what I signed up for” Frank was horrified by what was being said to him. Not just because of how impossibly sad it was, but also the idea that this was something Mikey had always thought, and that Frank was too dumb to have cared. He felt culpable somehow.

“What you signed up for? I’m still the same person, Mikey! Nothing has changed…” Frank could feel himself getting weak, he was running out of things to counter with. He felt heartbroken.

“Whatever Frank, you just do whatever the fuck it is you do with your little boyfriend and count me out. The other guys don’t care for some reason so don’t make this into a fucking drama. Bert thinks it’s funny” Mikey spoke with such vitriol that Frank felt sick. The fact that he was willing to just go on as usual despite it all was completely overwhelming for Frank as well, it really brought into sharp relief that his friends really were the most shallow people on the planet.

Frank felt numb and angry and hurt.

Mikey huffed and shouldered past him towards the knock on the door that Frank hadn’t even heard. He felt paralysed on the spot, not knowing whether to break down and cry or throw punches.

He’d leave it for now, there was no salvaging this. Frank knew that it was far from over though, how on earth were things supposed to go back to normal with this hanging over them. Even his friends, mindless as they were, couldn’t possibly miss something this big. Another thing Frank knew for sure, was that he was absolutely not going out with this group of assholes tonight.

Frank could hear Ray exchanging pleasantries with Mikey, who now sounded completely back to normal. That in itself brought back a wave on venom in Frank. He marched to the corridor where his bag was placed on the floor and scooped it up. Mikey, who stood only feet away from him at the door, didn’t even acknowledge his presence, whereas he could see Ray peering curiously over his shoulder.

“I feel sick, I’m going home” Frank grumbled, moving around the pair and out the door without looking back. He and Ray both knew what had gone down, he could see it on Ray’s worried expression, but Frank didn’t want Ray implicated when he’d specifically asked not to be. Frank would have appreciated back up right about now, but he knew a sinking ship when he saw it.

“Oh shit, you okay Frank?” Ray called after him, playing dumb as he said he would. “Dudes got a bug, I told him to stay and see it through, he’s a pussy” Mikey laughed. That nearly stopped Frank in his tracks, he was seething. But he didn’t, he used that rage to drive home as quickly as possible, slamming the car door and then the door to his flat. He could have punched a wall.

Frank wanted so desperately to go to Gerard but he decided against it, this was his battle and he didn’t want to put on Gerard while he was angry. He resolved to a calmer approach, knowing it would settle him. “have a good night g xx miss you already” he texted. Around five minutes later, Gerard replied. “enjoy your night out beautiful!! aww miss you too haha”. Frank couldn’t help but smile through the tears.

Chapter Text

Gerard’s hands were bound. The room was dark, he could only see the outlines of the furniture in the dim blue moonlight. The baseboard of the bed jutted into the view of the window, Gerard could see his drawn up, boney knees there too.

He had no idea what time it was or how long it had been since he’d drifted off, but his body felt stiff, constrained by the bindings, he felt welded to the mattress and his neck ached when he moved it. He tried moving his arms to his sides, his shoulders begged for it, but his wrists were tied above him, he could only twist his arms from side to side, which made him only feel claustrophobic rather than helping the strain in his back.

He whimpered in frustration, trying to calm himself and knowing that significant noise was highly unwelcome. He moved his legs down so he could see more of the window.

Gerard knew his surroundings perfectly well at that point, even in the dark, but he was still completely disoriented when he woke up in the pitch black, blinking into it, trying to adjust his eyes, and still only seeing the black. He could have been in that bedroom or in a coffin for all he knew, it gave way to waves of fear that he couldn’t shake, even though it was all in his head.

Gerard knew where he was, he’d been there for weeks, months, years - he couldn’t be sure anymore. But his bedsores were a testament to the passage of time.

He’d often be left like this for long periods of time, his services not currently required, so laid to rot in the room with water and food only being provided as a curtesy. Gerard wriggled at the bindings and found the rope that held him there did have some length, so he was able to scoot up the bed, hands now twisted in near pain behind his back, able at last to flex his head and shoulders a little.

He could see the street lights flicker far below him as he peered again at the window, the thin white curtain blowing a little, a crack of air keeping the room from getting too stale. He always wondered how high up in this building he was. Gerard had caught this sight dozens of times, hundreds even, but it was so elevated that he could never see the street, no matter how close he would be permitted to get near that window.

He often wondered if they kept that curtain as shoddy as it was to taunt him, offer him a glimpse back into the world he was no longer a part of, only to have his hopes dashed upon realising that not a single living soul would see him, even if his face was pressed up against it in anguish. What use did he have for a window now? There were wooden shutters too, but they’d be pushed open when Gerard was left alone, it felt intentional.

Regardless, he could stare at it for hours, watch the curtain rise and fall in the wind like a lung, feel the soft breeze on his skin if only a little bit. It stopped him from going mad, which, Gerard supposed, was mad in itself.

He managed to shift back far enough to where to rope hung slack, his hands still firmly behind him but now relatively moveable, sandwiched between his back and the headboard, he could now sit with some comfort, watching intently as if something would happen differently this time.

It wouldn’t, but Gerard could squint through the darkness and pretend that maybe this time, the curtain had moved to the left and not the right. Anything at all in this tiny bubble of life he had was a welcomed distraction from what came before or what would happen next. As the months rolled by, Gerard found that he was able to completely disassociate during the in between times, dazed and excited by absolutely nothing at all. He couldn’t let himself live in reality or he’d loose his mind.

Then, again, he was probably already there.

He was young, but he felt like he’d lived a hundred years, a morbid cycle of nothing at all to look forward to. Gerard was sure that he would die, but the fear wouldn’t take him anymore, it felt more like a curiosity, something new to look forward to perhaps, or maybe he was already dead.

So there he sat, as always, watching, waiting for time to pass. Several more sleeps and sippy cups of water were exchanged before anything new would happen. And then, as was the expectation in his arrangement, the door to the room flew open. It was daylight now, Gerard had been sleeping on and off but it looked like dusk. He kept his head down as the man entered the room, “a sign of respect” that had been drilled into him under no uncertain terms.

“Good boy” the one phrase that would rattle Gerard to this day, spoke lowly into his ear as the man leaned down on the bed. He didn’t look up in acknowledgement, he was not allowed.

That would be it for the talking for now, no one ever spoke during. Perhaps an instruction here or there, or a conversation with a third party present in the room, but from that moment, as always, Gerard was a manoeuvrable rag doll in a situation that had nothing to do with him.

The weight shifted around him and Gerard felt, still not allowed to move his head to see, the rope fall from his wrists. It was sweet relief for a second, although he knew better than to move his hands from where they were, even though his forearms burned with it.

“That’s a good boy” it was repeated. The weight moved off of the bed and from underneath his now overgrown hair, Gerard saw the lens-cap fall gracelessly onto the ground. “On all fours, Gerard, quick one today” the man said as if it was of any solace.

Gerard moved robotically without further prompting. He had no need to brace himself, mentally, he was not in the room at all. Then, as always, it begun. The pain that shot through Gerard was nothing new, and was completely dulled by his lack of awareness. He went back to his window, the shutters now locked, the same as they’d always be, marking the occasion. He had a vague sense that he was crying, but he himself could not feel its implications, only the soft fall of tears on his arms, that now braced him as he was assaulted.

It always went one of two ways for Gerard.

He could either stay firmly in his head, remove himself from thinking and feeling, or he’d swell in panic. A sudden realisation that he was indeed alive, and that this was his life, and that he was trapped here. On that day, it was sadly the latter, and Gerard could feel his breathing scatter, coming out uneven in gasps. He’d be punished for it he knew, and that in itself would spur it on even harder.

Gerard became acutely aware of his tears and began whaling uncontrollably, screaming out, even though the hand of the man was now firmly in his hair, pushing his face down into the mattress. “Shut the fuck up” it came out in huffs as the man did not stop his attack.

Despite his better judgement, Gerard tried to roll to the side to give himself a moment of pause. It did not happen, rather, the hand in his hair swiftly smashed his skull into the headboard, face first, Gerard’s nose spitting blood on strike one, with more to come.

“Not what they paid for, Gerard, shut the fuck up” the man had always sounded more like a teacher than someone who was genuinely angry, it gave for a uniquely chilling experience. “Stop! Stop! N… no, p-please… n…” Gerard stopped talking by blow five but his catatonic yelling did not.

“You’ve been good recently, what the fuck is wrong with you?” It almost came out a laugh, Gerard was sure he was addressing the camera. Gerard continued to scream until he couldn’t anymore, he was sure he’d puke soon from pure exertion. He could feel blood on his legs. His head pounded from the impacts. His own nails dug into his skin as he tried to console himself. He wished he was dead.

“Gerard? Gerard? Honey…” Gerard gasped in a sharp intake of air and shot up from the couch he was lying on.

Sarah stood above him, a soft hand on his shoulder, scanning his face while Gerard did nothing but stare back at her wildly. “Deep breaths, Gerard” she said slowly, a rise and fall in her own chest that Gerard was supposed to mimic; it reminded him only of the curtains.

“Fuck…” he let out a long breath that shook out of him, trying his best to follow Sarah’s lead. “That’s it…” her voice was calm, and it did always have a way of bringing Gerard back down to where he needed to be. He tried to sit up and found himself drenched in sweat. “Easy…” she said, sitting down next to him, a reassuring hand on the small of his back to keep him up straight.

They sat quietly for a long time.

It was a sort of hypnosis, Sarah had explained to him. They’d done it several times before, especially early on when Gerard himself struggled to remember the events he desperately wanted to communicate. She called it a “deep memory exercise”, where Gerard could speak freely without the censorship of his own anxiety.

Gerard didn’t see the memories, not really, but he could talk them out in excruciating detail as if he was back in the moment. It was something that Gerard himself had elected to do, knowing that he wouldn’t get what he needed from therapy unless he unpacked absolutely everything. It didn’t make it any less taxing however and it had been a very, very long time since they’d tried it.

“How are you feeling?” Sarah said after a while, leaning forwards to catch Gerard’s eye. “Yeah… um, I’m okay, sorry… it’s just. That was a bad one” he wobbled. She nodded and stayed quiet, allowing Gerard to talk.

Since he’d started sleeping with Frank, the sexual nature of what had happened to him had become a focus in their sessions in a way it hadn’t been for a while. The lead up had been about trust, but now the act itself had to be discussed. Gerard on one hand was having the time of his life, so long as Frank was there. But on the other, he was plagued with night terrors for the first time in years. Unable to articulate to Sarah what an assault had looked like for him, on that day, they had resorted to hypnosis.

“So that’s what… it was usually like that. This sort of… I dunno, like I wasn’t really human, I just sort of existed, they never… they never looked at my face or anything. Didn’t try to, I dunno, kiss me or anything… it was just… yeah” Gerard was still reeling but he was glad he’d be able to say it all.

“Thank you for telling me that, Gerard” Sarah said with a small smile, ever the reassuring type. Gerard smiled back, calming a little, the memory gradually filtering back into the reassess of his mind, feeling happier now to speak on what it all meant. “It was always violent if I resisted, like, at all… any sort of movement that they didn’t command was… well, they’d punish me. So when I didn’t, if I just… did what they said, I was like a sex doll” he murmured.

Sarah nodded and moved to sit back in front of him. “Do you want a cup of tea?” she interjected, Gerard shook his head no but made sure to tell her he appreciated the offer. “And how do you think that’s effecting your intimate relationship with Frank? When it comes to these terrors you’re getting after the fact?” she got back to the point at hand.

Gerard always felt so calm in her care, she’d been perfect from day one. Only she could get him to say anything at all after such a horrid recalling and he thanked the stars that she’d taken him on. “I suppose sex has always been this sort of… mechanical thing? For me? Like it’s a function to perform” he cleared his throat.

“So it being… good, it’s kind of…” he thought for a moment about his words. “It’s almost like a whole new thing, like I haven’t had… real sex before? If that makes sense? But then it brings up this weird confusion where it’s like… it feels brand new but tainted all at once, and then I feel guilty because non of this is on Frank, we’re just having a nice time” he said.

Sarah nodded slowly. “Do you feel like you’ll be punished, if you misstep?” she said bluntly. “What do you mean?” Gerard replied. “When you were under, the hypnosis, you mentioned fear of punishment several times, does it ever occur to you when you’re in bed with Frank?” she chewed the end of her pen while she spoke, as if she too was trying to get to grips with what had been told to her. “Not… not in that sense, but I guess generally speaking I’m always worried I’ve done wrong, aren’t I?” he laughed a little and she nodded in agreement.

“You also mentioned…” she flicked through her notebook. “Did you write all that down?” Gerard huffed. “Yes, I’m your therapist” she said it amusedly. “Fucks sake” Gerard laughed, rubbing his face. Sarah smirked a little too.

“You also talked about zoning out when you were particularly stressed, and I know we’ve talked before about you doing that in your daily life. But do you find yourself doing that with Frank? When you’re sleeping together?” Gerard couldn’t help but feel a little uncomfortable talking this much about the sex specifically, but they’d established pretty quickly that this seemed to be Gerard’s nightmare trigger. “No, not at all” he said quickly, and it was true. Sarah nodded.

“Do you remember what I asked you before you told me all of that?” she mused. Gerard thought for a moment but came up with nothing.

“No?” he shrugged. “I asked you to describe the last time you had sex, in those words” she said carefully. Gerard gulped and looked down. “Why did I… that wasn’t, though? Why would I say all that?” he felt his stomach drop and the sweats back flooding back.

“Because it’s still very much with you, Gerard, and that’s okay. But we need to unpack that. What you said earlier, about sex with Frank being a whole, other, “new” thing - I can see why you’d go there, and it does make sense. But I’d say there’s a part of your brain that doesn’t see it that way, and that’s why after you’ve been sleeping together, you’re having a trauma response as if you’ve been assaulted, entirely subconsciously. That’s why it’s only happening in your sleep”.

Gerard took a moment to take in what had been said. She was too good, it was almost annoying. “Does that resonate with you at all? Or am I totally off base?” this was typical too of Sarah, forcing Gerard to think deeply on what had been said in the form of a question, so he couldn’t weasel his way out of any of it.

“I think… maybe? It just doesn’t feel that way in the moment, you know? I am genuinely having a really nice time” he replied sheepishly. “That’s amazing Gerard, really. And I believe you. But let’s unpack that, yeah?” she offered. Gerard nodded.

It was going to be a long two hours.

Chapter Text

Frank swirled the whiskey glass in his hand, the ice clinking as it went, the gentle sound dulled by the hum of the music. He had picked the bar this time, Gerard said that he had never been there. It was a quieter one than they were used to, a relaxed haunt that Frank would often go to after work when he was still working at the store.

They had bands on every night, but in the interim the music was kept quiet, the mood lively but not overbearing, it wasn’t the kind of place where one got into trouble. Frank figured it was similar to the place Gerard had brought them on their first date, so he’d probably like this spot too. They hadn’t seen the other for over two weeks, hardly any time at all, but it felt like a life time, and Frank was eager to see him.

Frank hadn’t felt particularly great since his fight with Mikey, if one could even call it that. The more Frank thought about it, the angrier he got. It hadn’t even been an argument, he’d been bombarded with spewed out nonsense, so out of pocket that there was no conceivable way he could have defended himself. Frank would have called it an argument if he’d had one minute to articulate himself, if there was some point to be made, but there wasn’t, and he felt completely at a loose end as to how to resolve it.

The group had hung out once since, and Mikey had been completely normal with everyone, even Frank, although it came with the caveat of eyes that were completely dead, and an amused expression of knowing from Mikey, that it was all a pretence.

It was bothering Frank to no end the pleasure that Mikey seemed to be taking in it. He thought, or rather, hoped, that it was bravado, a mask concealing real upset in a situation that bothered him. Mikey had no reason at all to be upset, Frank thought bitterly, but if he was, he was acting like a spoiled bully by pretending that nothing was going on. Frank caught Ray giving him a sympathetic look from time to time but it wasn’t enough. By that point, he was also mad with Ray. Heck, he was mad at everyone. Non of them seemed to have the emotional maturity to see that anything was a miss. Mikey aside, they still hadn’t asked after Gerard. Frank was starting to feel like a body designed to take up space and pad out the group, he wondered if he’d be missed at all.

Frank shut down his own train of thought to check his phone, hoping to see a text from Gerard, who was running a few minutes late. Rather, as if Ray was some kind of mind reader, there was a message from the man himself. “Hey dude, sorry I haven’t checked in this week. was wondering if you wanted to grab a coffee in the week, just us. need to chat haha” it read. Frank blinked at it and stared for a moment.

Shocked would be an understatement, he didn’t think a single one of his friends had ever asked him out alone for a check in. He supposed he should have been grateful but a part of him dreaded it. Frank said yes, naturally, but he couldn’t ignore the sinking feel that he’d be written off, told he was overacting, told to calm down. Or worst still, that Ray was on a mission curtesy of Mikey. Regardless, he figured it couldn’t get any worse.

He placed his phone face down on the bar and took a long gulp of his drink, breathing out slowly to get his bearings. There was no need to focus on it now. Gerard had said that he had something that he wanted to talk about, and he’d sounded nervous when he said it, so Frank made a mental note not to derail the other with his ramblings. Besides, it was his burden to bear.

He’d told Gerard about the fight at least, but he figured that for now there wasn’t much more to add, he’d probably fill the other in after he’d seen Ray. Frank had to admit that he felt completely relieved to be seeing Gerard in a Saturday night rather than his friends. This was rare, he felt almost bound to their plans whenever they came up, but Ray was out of town tonight and Bert was with his kid.

“Hey! Sorry I’m late… I’m always late” Gerard appeared over his shoulder, sinking down into the bar stool next to Frank, a hand on Frank’s shoulder as if he didn’t know how else to greet the other in public. It was a little awkward, but Gerard knew that Frank wasn’t out and proud, and it touched Frank that Gerard still felt the need to be careful, even though Frank had told him that anything was fine. Frank grinned and leaned in for a peck on the lips, his hand lingering on Gerard’s jaw a little longer than usual. It had felt like an age and Frank was just drinking him in. “You are” Frank beamed.

“I left on time! I think, I dunno… get used to it” Gerard giggled nervously. “Mmm… I’ll try. What you drinking?” Frank asked, turning in his seat towards the bar. “Uh… do they do a Pina Colada?” Gerard squinted at the chalk board above the bar as he spoke; Frank laughed, the guy needed his eyes testing big time.

“Yes they do, very girly-pop homosexual of you” Frank teased, waving over the barkeep. “Shut up” Gerard replied simply, folding his arms. “Another whiskey for me and a Pina Colada for the lady” Frank said, seeing Gerard scoff out of the corner of his eye. “At least mine won’t taste like petrol” he grimaced, ignoring Frank while he watched his drink getting made.

“How was your day?” Frank asked with a smile, finally getting one out of Gerard in turn. “Good! Didn’t really get up t’much… just drawing, the usual. I’ve got to go to the shop tomorrow afternoon for inventory, which is going to be boring as hell. They literally texted me twenty minutes ago with that gracious information” he huffed, still smiling. “Extra money to buy me dinner” Frank chuckled, Gerard rolled his eyes.

“I am sorry, it’ll only be a couple of hours” he said after a while, a little shy. They’d planned to spend the weekend together after this, but Frank wasn’t offended in the slightest, he hated seeing Gerard disappear into himself. “It’s fine! I’ll drop you off. I might even bring you a coffee if you get held up” he winked. “But that depends on what kind of mood I’m in, tonight might be a bust” Frank was very clearly joking, and Gerard laughed with him, but Frank couldn’t help but notice that small panicked glint in Gerard’s eye that he could never quite mask.

“Baby, I’m joking” he said warmly, kissing Gerard again just as their drinks were sat down in front of them. “I know… sorry! Urgh, I’m so awkward” Gerard laughed again and buried his head under Frank’s chin. “I’ll still get us dinner though” he mumbled into Frank’s shirt. “We’ll get a takeaway if you’re tired, okay?” Frank hummed, nuzzling Gerard’s hair a tad and taking in the fresh shampoo scent. Gerard nodded and sat up.

“You smell good” Frank said, taking his drink in his hand. “Shut up” Gerard’s all too common retort for when he was feeling flustered. “Make me” Frank scoffed. Gerard looked back at him for a second, before leaning in closely to his ear. “The things I would do to make you shut up” he whispered. Frank nearly choked on his drink before laughing out nervously, a deep blush rushing to his cheeks, while Gerard leaned back admiring his handy work.

“How was your day?” Gerard asked cooly, grinning back while Frank cleared his throat. “You’re such a weirdo” he coughed. “Cheers to that” Gerard raised his drink. “My day was good… a couple of early calls for work and then just some cleaning, getting the place ready you staying over” Frank replied, the whiskey doing nothing to stop his choking. Gerard smiled. “You don’t have to clean up for me…” he said. “Trust me, compared to yours, my place can be a complete shit hole. It’s nice when I put in the effort but I can comfortably leave dishes in the sink for a week” Frank replied. “Oh god! Yeah, maybe it’s good you cleaned” the other laughed, taking a sip through his straw.

“Oh! That bangs, better than your petrol” he giggled. “Probably” Frank shrugged. “I thought at least I owed you fresh bedsheets” he was trying to get Gerard back but seemingly failed, the other man just rolled his eyes again. “Rolling out the red carpet then” Gerard teased.

They talked about the theatre for a while after that, Gerard still as interested as he was amused. The summer musical was coming up and Frank had been a fly on the wall for some of the meetings. Gerard had a million and one suggestions for it, no matter how many times that Frank told him that he had absolutely no say in the matter.

It felt pleasant and natural as it usually did but Frank couldn’t help but keep thinking of Gerard’s “something he wanted to talk about”. He didn’t want to push it, Gerard didn’t seem to be distracted or upset, but he also didn’t want the other to leave it if it was important. The conversation flowed back into something more emotional, interpersonal, as they talked about their lives, so Frank decided then to make a point to get it out of him. “You sounded stressed, on the phone, the other day” he said softly.

Gerard paused and clearly knew exactly what Frank was talking about. “Yeah…” his voice didn’t falter but he was as white as a ghost, Frank just prayed that he hadn’t upset him. “It’s okay if you don’t wanna talk about it… it’s just, you sounded kinda serious. I need you to know you can trust me, yeah? Whatever’s on your mind” he continued, leaning in closer to the other, their knees touching while Frank put a hand on the other’s thigh. Gerard’s face softened a little at that.

“It’s fine… it’s… we’re having a nice time and I don’t want to… bring the mood down” he looked down, his face still contorted in thought. A few moments passed before Gerard looked at him again.

He looked scared, but determined, and Frank could tell that he was calm in his presence. “I just wanted to tell you that… well, uh…” Gerard exhaled slowly before he put his hand over Frank’s, glancing around the bar quickly; they were unlikely to be disturbed.

“I feel like I’m not being honest and I want you to understand…” there was a lot of pauses but Frank let it run its course. “The reason I, uh… the reason I’m, well, why it took a while for us to sleep together…” Frank frowned but didn’t interject, he hadn’t known where this was going, but he hadn’t expected that. “I was assaulted, in my last relationship… in, um, that way… I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to see me differently, or be put off… but I just wanted you to know. I don’t want you second guessing yourself or feeling off if I’m… like… not up for it or whatever…” he mumbled quietly the last part as if shame had crept in.

“Gee…” Frank couldn’t help but feel sad, but he kept strong, for Gerard. Not a single negative thought about the other entered his mind, and it made him sick to think that Gerard might have assumed that could have ever been the case. “I’m not ready to… tell you all of it. But I was young, it went on for a long time. You’re the first… person I’ve been with, since… I wanted you to know so you’d understand me a little better, when he comes to that stuff…” Gerard was struggling to look at Frank by that point, though Frank was relieved to find that he didn’t seem to be getting upset, his eyes scanned around as if he was deep in thought, finding his words, his breath held while he waited for Frank’s answer.

“Baby… I’m so sorry” Frank said, ignoring the lump in his throat that made him want to cry in anger. He wasn’t going to press, not ever, and he respected the hell out of Gerard for saying it.

The idea that the other had been harmed, by someone he trusted, fuelled a rage in him, Gerard deserved to be protected no matter what. He felt a pang in his stomach as he realised the seriousness of the fact that Gerard was choosing to tell him all this. Frank didn’t know if he’d ever had a connection with anyone so deep that he could be trusted with such information. But there was Gerard, his little weirdo, laying it bare as if he owed it to the other, aside from his anger, Frank felt completely honoured.

“I’m sorry” were the next words out of Gerard’s mouth. Frank snapped out of it and looked over Gerard intently, who sat with his head down and his hands twisted awkwardly in his lap; he picked his finger nails as if he was expecting Frank to just up and leave.

“Why are you sorry?” Frank said quietly, holding his hands out to Gerard in an effort to stop the fidgeting; Gerard took them softly. “I… you deserve better, I’m… it’s a lot” tears finally pricked in Gerard’s eyes and all Frank could think to do was kiss him, with all the care in his heart pouring into in. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Okay? You’re perfect” he said with his chest, earning a nervous laugh from the other who tipped his head back to stop the tears from falling. “Urgh. I told you I’d bring the mood down” he said, looking back at Frank.

“Not at all, baby. I’m so sorry you had to go through that… I don’t, I don’t know what to say. That’s awful” Frank cooed, trying to calm Gerard rather than focusing on his own overwhelm. “Just wanted you to know why I look like a deer in headlights sometimes” he murmured, taking a few pointed gulps from his glass as if to signify that he was done talking. Frank smiled. “You’re fine, okay? If there’s anything I can do, or if you’re feeling uncomfortable, talk to me. Nothing has changed” Frank tacked on the last part when he realised that this was the source of Gerard’s anxiety, and he meant it.

Gerard smiled and leaned on the bar. “I’m so much fun” he said shakily. Frank could see the monumental relief wash over him even though he still clearly reeling. He shook ever so slightly, but he was quickly returning to himself. “This place is nice” he said, looking around as if he was trying to ground himself, thinking of anything else to talk about. Frank smiled and kissed his cheek.

“Do you wanna bounce? I don’t mind” he said carefully, following Gerard’s eyes around the bar. Gerard grinned and looked back at him, a sense of calm around him that Frank had not seen before. “Nuh-uh, Frank. You promised me a band and dancing” he beamed. Frank grinned and held out his hand, standing up. “That I did”.

Chapter Text

“Ah… shit” Gerard was on top, which was new.

Franks thumbs dug into the dips where his thighs met his hips, guiding him into the upwards thrusts. Frank couldn’t help but stare, Gerard looked a picture above him, his chest heaving, his arms oscillating between being twisting around his shoulders or bracing himself to the bed, his head tipped back in ecstasy. Frank still couldn’t get over how light the guy was, away from the confines of his many layers of clothing. He was slim but perfectly defined, barely a hair on his creamy chest, his collarbone stuck out and framed his gorgeously long neck, especially when his head was tipped back like this.

Frank lifted his hips easy between his hands, and Gerard seemed to quite appreciate the force of it. They’d been at it for ages and they both were adamant to go on as long as possible.

“Fuck yeah, Gerard…” Frank huffed, shifting his legs up a bit to get more leverage on his hips, thrusting up even deeper into the other, if that was at all possible. “Mmm… uh” Gerard was much less coherent than Frank by that point, and Frank was surprised that he still had the strength in his legs to keep going, the rest of him bounced around like jelly, completely spent.

“Harder” Gerard rasped, his body shaking. Frank grunted and tried his best, but he was too close to the edge. In one swooping motion, he tipped Gerard to the side and climbed on top of him, the few seconds spent out of the other’s body being sufficient time to recover.

Gerard’s head hit the pillow beneath them with a wide grin, a surprised laugh came barrelling out while he got himself comfy. “You gettin’ tired?” he teased, despite looking like he too was about to melt away. “Never” Frank grinned, getting straight back to it. “Shit…” Gerard mewed, his back arched instantly at the intrusion, as if he could have come right there.

Frank let himself go then, thrusting in and out as his own leisure, desperate to get himself off. “Mmh… f-fuck, Frankie…” Gerard hushed into the other’s ear, Frank leaning over him, planting wet, open mouthed kisses on his neck. Their chests pressed together were impossibly hot, their skin burning in the heat of the room. Turns out, a couple of weeks spent apart was long enough, and they had all the energy of teenagers.

The night before had been out of the question. Gerard had forced Frank to dance until his feet hurt and then dragged him to a karaoke bar. They were both delighted and surprised to find out that they could both sing, and as the drinks kept coming, the stage became theirs. By the time they cleared off, they were so drunk that they couldn’t tell if they had been booed or cheered off stage, but they hardly cared.

They’d piled into Frank’s flat in the early hours with a pizza and Gerard had all but passed out on the sofa before they’d even gotten to the bedroom. Frank awoke in his bed some hours later fully clothed with Gerard frantically trying to square himself up for work.

The whole thing had been a total farce. He’d kissed Gerard goodbye and promptly gone back to sleep, the promised ride and coffee stop never materialised. Frank was still clearly buzzed and Gerard had threatened to take his car keys away if he attempted to drive.

Gerard had arrived back in the late afternoon carrying a Chinese, and had found Frank barely able to keep his eyes open while watching TV in his pants. He perked up at the notion of food and they two had eaten together, trying desperately to put together the pieces of their evening, though failing spectacularly. Frank hadn’t had so much fun in ages and he made sure to let Gerard know. Predictably, Gerard had been bashful about it. Gerard did feel the same, however, and was also basking in the domesticity of it all.

It was all so no frills that he felt completely at home, minus the niggling OCD that plagued him in his own house. He didn’t permit himself the pleasure of sitting around in his underwear, containers and plates piled high in the kitchen, mindlessly watching Youtube videos on the TV. Not ever. Doing it alone would have felt lazy, counterproductive, unhealing. But with Frank it made total sense. It felt safe.

It hasn’t even gotten to be that late when Gerard made the first move, unable to touch bare shoulders with a shirtless Frank for much longer. Things got heavy quickly and Frank was sure that Gerard fully intended to have it out right there, on the sofa. Much to Gerard’s delight, Frank had hoisted him up from his lap, Gerard’s legs wrapped around his waist, and backed them into the bedroom while they kissed.

Gerard could see the look of pure endearment on Frank’s face and felt emboldened to pin him down after their prep was done. They’d taken their time with everything, it was both excruciating and exciting all the same. Gerard had no clue what to do when he rocked his hips, hands pressed firmly to Frank’s chest, but from the look on the other’s face, he figured he was doing something right.

Of course he hadn’t minded one bit when Frank had thrown him onto his back either, on the edge of orgasm, an overstimulated mess. “I’m so close…” Frank said roughly into his ear. Gerard barely heard him, the room a sea of swirling shapes and muffled sounds, his toes curling as he felt that feeling in the pit of his stomach. “Ah… F-Frank… ‘m gonna…” he didn’t even know if any real words had left him, but he was egged on by a guttural moan from Frank, tumbling out like he too had lost control. Frank hoisted him up suddenly, holding him firmly upright while he drove up into him, his arms tight around Gerard’s waist, while the other feebly grabbed at his shoulders and hair, hands trembling in need. “Oh… fuck” Frank could barely muster sound between his gasps.

“Frank! Ah! Uh… mmh…” Gerard also could barely speak, his thighs tightening around Frank as he pushed through his release. Frank felt him shudder and it was enough to spur him on, coming hard and seeing white as Gerard felt into him limply. “Fuck! Fuck…” Frank heaved into Gerard’s chest, panting like a bitch in heat, grounding himself against Gerard’s slick torso.

“Mmm…” Gerard let out a string of hums and sighs, lolling against Frank as if he couldn’t keep himself up. Frank smiled against him and slowly pulled them apart, laying Gerard carefully on the bed and scooting up next to him, not wanting to leave his side. He glanced over at Gerard who was laid with his eyes closed, face flushed, his breathing slow and relaxed.

“Hey” Frank rasped after a while, looking intently at the other. Gerard opened his eyes and squinted over, a lazy smile on his lips. “Hello” he said quietly, laughing through his nose with a wide grin. “You good?” Frank replied, rolling over and placing his head on Gerard’s chest. Gerard’s hand immediately went up to message his scalp and Frank felt it right to his toes. “I’m good, you?” Gerard asked amusedly, seeing Frank melt into his touch.

“Mmm… that’s nice” the other mumbled against his skin. Gerard smiled to himself and leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling, smirking at Frank’s noises of content. “What time is it?” he asked after a while. Gerard looked over at the clock on the nightstand. “Seven thirty” he chuckled. “Is that it? Urgh, we should get up…” Frank grumbled, though no effort was made on his part to move.

They half got up after a while, rather, Gerard was sat upright with a cup of tea and Frank was perched on the edge of the bed, now more dressed than Gerard, on his phone. “Do you wanna go for a walk or something? We can’t go to sleep at eight o’clock” Frank suggested absently, Gerard laughed. “Sure?” he hummed, sipping his tea. Frank grinned and looked back at him. “You’re so cute” he said. Gerard shook his head and nestled further into the duvet. “Shut up” he murmured into the side of his mug.

Gerard was completely cocooned and it was the most endearing thing Frank could have imagined. “So fucking cute” he repeated and Gerard glared at him. They were soon somewhat dressed and hanging out in the living room, commenting every now and again that they should get some air, though neither actually motioned to do so.

They were hanging out of one of the windows smoking, when there was a tentative knock at the door.

Frank frowned over at Gerard as if he’d have any sort of answer, who in turn just shrugged back at him. It came again quickly after and Frank threw his cigarette down into the street. “Who the fuck…” he mumbled as he walked. Gerard stood awkwardly, not knowing what to do with himself, debating if he should bomb back into the bedroom.

He was okay, but he felt vulnerable, he always did after sex. It wasn’t bad but it was insular, and the knock at the door felt like his bubble was burst. He breathed slow and told himself to get a grip, taking a long drag of his cigarette. “Whose…?” he choked out. Frank noticed his discomfort straight away and stopped in his tracks. “Are you okay?” he said quietly. Gerard bit his lip and nodded. “Yeah, sorry…” he mumbled. “I’ll just…” Frank barely whispered as he looked through his peep hole, fully preparing to pretend not to be in.

After Gerard’s confession, he understood the need to be a little more aware of Gerard’s responses in times like these. Little else had changed, much to Gerard’s massive relief, but he appreciated the touch more care Frank showed him now, especially after sex.

“It’s Ray” Frank whispered back to him, and Gerard nodded slowly. “Do you want me to tell him to go away? I honestly don’t mind” Frank spoke with sincerity. Gerard paused for a moment, but felt at ease somehow, and shook his head. “No, it’s fine” he said with a smile. Frank nodded. “Guess nows a good a time as any to meet your friends” Gerard giggled, looking down at his crumpled up t-shirt and sockless feet.

Frank grinned and winked at him, going back to the door. He opened it half way and stuck his head out, beaming over at Ray, who stood back as if he was about to leave.

“Iero! I was about to text you” he said happily. Frank laughed and shrugged. “What are you doing here?” he said lightly, aware that Ray wouldn’t have seen Gerard yet. “Well, what a lovely welcome!” Ray chortled. “I came to see if you were okay! You never replied to my message” he said. Frank frowned.

“Yes I did” he replied with chest, pulling out his phone and seeing an unsent response to Ray’s invitation for a hang out from the previous night. “Oh, no, I didn’t…” he huffed, pursing his lips and tutting. Ray rolled his eyes. “What are you like?” he laughed. “Can I come in then?” he asked. Frank gulped. “Yeah, sure… uh…” he looked behind him at Gerard, who now stood with a smile with his arms folded, clearly entertained by the shit-show of a catch up he was witnessing.

Without any further instruction, Ray shouldered past him like he’d done a hundred times, only to be stopped in his tracks when he finally saw Gerard.

“Oh, um…” Ray stood dumbly and looked back at Frank. “This is Gee” Frank spoke immediately, stepping into the room and standing next to his friend. Ray didn’t say anything for a moment, Frank and Gerard exchanging amused looks as if Gerard was on parade.

“Hey, I’m Gerard” the other broke the silence and paced forward, hand outstretched towards Ray. Ray snapped out of it and shook his hand instantly, laughing back nervously at Frank, as if he hadn’t just made an arse of himself. “Shit! Hi! I’m Ray” he spat out quickly, the room noticeably relaxing. Frank felt something like pride in seeing Gerard do well out of his comfort zone.

“So this is where you’ve been all weekend” Ray chuckled. “Yep, pretty much” Frank hummed, shooting Ray a knowing look when he noticed the other seemingly start to realise that they both looked distinctly post-shag. “Sorry dude!” Ray said awkwardly. “I wouldn’t have come if someone knew how to answer the phone” that one was aimed at Gerard who laughed in turn, grinning over at Frank. “Tell me about it” Gerard mocked. “Hey!” Frank scoffed, glaring at both of them.

“Well, at the risk of being more of a cock-block, I guess I had better bounce” Ray winked at Frank. At that Gerard turned bright red and covered his mouth to stifle a laugh. “Oh my god, dude! Shut up!” Frank backed the other towards the door, the humour still light. “It was nice to meet you, Gerard!” Ray yelled back over Frank’s shoulder. Gerard offered a small wave that nearly went unseen by the other, as Frank had him stood in the door way.

“He’s sweet” Ray whispered when they were in the corridor, Frank smiled. “Yeah, he is”. “Sorry to barge in, honestly I wouldn’t have if I’d known… seriously, I am sorry” Ray was by far the most tactful of the group, Frank wished sometimes that if he ever did ditch them, that Ray would stick by him. “Don’t sweat it. I mean it. I’m glad… sort of? Meeting you guys is gonna be a big thing and this was… hilarious” Frank beamed.

Ray patted his shoulder knowingly and nodded. “Listen, I do still wanna talk… you about tomorrow?” he asked. “Yeah, I’ll stop by on my lunch, okay?” Frank replied. “Sounds good to me” Ray nodded. “See you Gerard!” he yelled, lovely and loud for all the neighbours to hear, Frank thought. “Bye!” Gerard called back from behind them. “Piss off” Frank laughed. “I’d have brought you some condoms if I’d know…” the other whispered in his ear. “Oh my god, leave!” Frank pushed him jokingly, and Ray backed up with his hands raised. “Later, Iero”.

Frank shut the door and paced over to Gerard, who was now stood in his kitchenette with a second cup of tea. “So… that was Ray” he said. “It sure was” Gerard replied with a grin, pushing over a cup of coffee he’d made for the other. “Sorry, if, uh… are you alright?” he was still half-laughing but he did mean it.

Gerard smiled and shrugged. “Yeah, I’m good. That was… interesting” he said. “I do wanna meet them, your friends, when you’re ready” he went on. Frank leaned on the counter and sucked his teeth.

“I am, I think… but he’s the nicest one. They’re a bit… you know. But if you don’t mind, it would be nice… soon, I think” he muttered. Gerard nodded and put on comforting hand to the others cheek. “Did he say something about condoms?” he mused. Frank burst out laughing. “Bloody hell…”.

Chapter Text

Frank was able to slip away from the work a little earlier than usual. It was a manic tech week, but that afternoon it was the turn of the light engineers, so he was in clear for an hour or two. His manager told him to take a long one, knowing that the day would likely go on into the evening. Frank didn’t mind, he was still completely into this job, he felt intrinsic and involved, it felt nice to have a real place.

Plus, Gerard had told him he was indisposed for the evening, so he didn’t have the looming threat of a better offer. He walked quickly to Ray’s apartment, a penthouse in the middle of town. Ray essentially did ghost writing for a recording studio, his demos bled into some pretty well known stuff, as far as Frank knew. He’d always thought it was the coolest thing he’d ever heard, but their other friend’s disinterest meant that Ray hardly spoke on it. Regardless, Ray somehow had the nicest place out of all of them, and Frank always felt a little out of place whenever he visited. For God’s sake, he had to sign in with a damn concierge, Frank thought.

He was side eyed by the staff as he shuffled in with his chicken shop lunch, giving them a polite wave and smile as he went, which predictably was not reciprocated. He rolled his eyes as he got in the lift, tapping his foot and watching the numbers roll up infinity, it was a stupidly big apartment complex.

It pinged Ray’s floor and Frank made way, buzzing to the flat and pulling faces at the camera he knew was hiding in the intercom. “What do you want?” Ray said jokingly through the speaker. Frank smiled broadly. “I brought chicken” he said. “Urgh, I hope it’s not all your vegetarian shit” the other grimaced, the door clicking unlocked. “I guess you had better come in”.

Frank smirked and let himself in, walking straight through to see Ray stood expectantly, leaning against his sofa. “Hey man” he smiled wholly and brought Frank into a hug. “What’s new?” Frank replied, giving him a squeeze before leaning over and placing the bag of food down on the table. “Nah, we’ll eat outside, we can smoke” Ray smiled and picked up the bag, walking them over to his balcony.

Frank forgot the fucker had a balcony, it was more of a veranda. They sat down and Frank lit a cigarette, opening his can of pop and getting settled into the plush chair. Ray took his lighter and did the same, rummaging until he found his order of wings, pushing the box of vegan tenders towards Frank pointedly. Frank scoffed at him and dove into a handful of fries, sitting quietly for a moment, enjoying his surroundings. He wished they hung out at Ray’s more. He supposed that Ray didn’t want them to mess it up.

He turned his attention to the other, who was distinctly quieter than usual. Ray held his soda in his lap with both hands, the cigarette between his fingers burning away with no sign that the guy had even noticed. He was staring off into space and he looked like he was thinking hard, it was curious but filled Frank with dread.

Frank knew what they were there to talk about but he couldn’t remember a time when Ray had ever agonised over anything, he was not known for his stress. Frank broke the ice. “You good?” he said lightly, smiling lopsidedly when Ray’s head finally pricked up in his direction. “Yeah, shit, sorry man…” Ray sighed and leaned back in his chair.

“I just feel awful about all of this” he said, clearing his throat, an effort to elevate his awkwardness. Frank huffed out a small laugh and tutted. “What have you got to feel awful about?” he asked, calmness spurring on the other.

Frank was relieved that Ray had suggested this, but again, in his year of “first time for everything”s, he could scarcely remember a time he’d spent one on one with any of his friends, much less to have a meaningful conversation. Maybe they were finally growing with him, or at the very least, Ray was.

“I should be able to tell Mikey he’s out of line, but I can’t… or, like, I haven’t found the right moment? I don’t know. I feel like it’s impossible to talk to him seriously about anything. But the way he’s treating you, man, it ain’t right” he replied.

God, he really was growing up, Frank thought.

“Did you guys have a fight or something? You don’t have to tell me, it’s just… weird” he went on. Frank shrugged and let his shoulders fall heavily, taking a gulp of his drink and another pile of chips before replying. “No. Literally, not at all. When I told you guys about Gee, that was it. He’s not spoken to me about it at all, but just started blanking me. He and Bert keep fucking giggling to each other whenever it comes up, but neither of them have said a thing. Pete’s been a bit off too. I mean, Bert and Pete are at least still talking to me, but I get the impression they’re all talking about it behind my back. Has anyone said anything to you? Honest?” Frank rambled, but Ray was glued to his every word.

“No, nothing” he said. “You promise? I wouldn’t tell them you told me” Frank pushed. “Swear to God, not a word. I think they know I’m cool with it, so they haven’t got me involved” Ray too took a few fries as he talked.

Frank hummed and thought a moment about what to say next. He’d gone in totally convinced he’d have to self censor incase Ray took issue with him bitching about their friends, but he was realising quickly that it didn’t seem to be necessary.

“Well… I say me and Mikey didn’t fight, that’s until I confronted him at his place” Frank nearly laughed, the memory alone filling him with bitterness, he had to laugh at the absurdity of it. “I figured as much. He has not breathed a word of it to anyone, I have asked around” Ray urged him to continue.

“I get there and it’s the most depressingly uncomfortable shit ever, the dude barely greets me, then tell me to go upstairs to get ready on my own. I come back down and he wouldn’t even look at me, he just stood there scrolling on his phone”. Frank stubbed out his cigarette.

“So I just straight up asked him what was going on. Fucker literally scoffs at me and tells me I’m being a drama queen, so, like… he knows somethings up, but acts like I’m in the wrong for caring” Frank took a second to compose himself, he didn’t want to be angry, he longed for support from Ray.

“So obviously I call him out, and, well…” Frank sighed. “When I say he went on a rant… I mean, this is a rant, but it pales in comparison” he laughed. Ray smirked but Frank could see the concern in his eyes. “He completely went off on one about how I’m this self righteous, pretentious douche bag. He said that you were all laughing at me” Frank paused again, this time the pain of it hitting him all over again. “What the fuck… dude, I… we’re not” Ray butted in, shaking his head.

“Then he tells me that “we” don’t hang around with gay people. That it’s gross, and I’m just looking for attention. He said he wouldn’t accept it and he seemed pretty fucking final on it” Frank spewed. “So I go to leave, just when you showed up. And Ray, when he called me a pussy when I left, I swear, that is the closest I’ve ever come to punching someone” Frank knew he was getting animated now, and stopped himself before he got to into it.

“I did think it was a bit out of pocket. I would have punched him” Ray said, lightening the mood a tad. Frank huffed out a laugh through his nose but he kept his glance down, replaying the moment in his head. “He has not told anyone any of this” Ray chimed in. “No?” Frank asked. “Absolutely not, not to me, and there’s no way anyone would be keeping that one quiet if he told them” the other pondered. Frank nodded slowly, tapping his finger nails on his drink.

“You’ve known Mikey longer than me. Did you know he felt like that?” he asked, looking up at Ray. “No… but I can’t say it’s ever come up to be honest. I guess we don’t run a very diverse circle” he laughed. “I don’t know much about Mikey’s like, home life, or whatever. I don’t know if his parents are hardcore conservatives or something, he’s never talked about it” he hummed.

“Do you know he has a brother?” Frank mused. Ray frowned and looked at him squarely, his brow furrowed. “No?” he questioned, sounding both intrigued and horribly confused. “He does. Told me once and never mentioned it again. I don’t think he’ll ever open up to us about anything. Sometimes I wonder if I really know him at all… I think that way about a lot of the guys, while we’re being honest” Frank scanned Ray’s face for a reaction, but the other remained soft and understanding.

“I get you” he said simply, as if Frank had taken the words out of his mouth. A few moments passed in silence before Ray piped up again.

“It doesn’t matter. Even if his family are like, religious homophobes or something, it’s no excuse. It wouldn’t matter even if we could justify it, it’s still totally fucked up. You’re our friend and he’s known you for years. Mikey hasn’t even met the guy and he’s decided that he hates him. Don’t really appreciate him saying that we all think that way either… I don’t know what’s going on with Bert, but he’s an idiot, he’ll laugh at what ever anyone tells him, I wouldn’t take that one personally” Ray scoffed.

Frank laughed at that, relaxing enough that he could finally get to eating the rest of his food. In all his years orbiting this group of people, he could confidently say that he’d never felt as close to any of them as he did Ray in that moment. This felt adult on a level that they normally wouldn’t allow.

He wondered then on how this would have gone down had he chosen to lean on anyone else, and he queried the idea that maybe they too would have an actual opinion on it, or if they’d even noticed at all.

“Yeah… it’s just hard. I don’t really know where I’m supposed to go from here. Last time we hung out was excruciating, him pretending the whole time that nothing was wrong and everyone else eating it up. I felt like I was going mad stood there, everyone talking about the same shit we always do but not one noticing how Mikey cut me off every time I talked, or straight up blocked me with his body when I tried to talk to someone else. It was fucking weird” Frank grumbled.

“I did notice that… that’s why I’m pissed at myself. I know somethings up and I couldn’t just tell him he was being an asshole, what’s up with that?” Ray replied, his frustration evident in his voice. Frank leaned in and gave him a simple pat on the shoulder, smiling as he did. “It’s not your fault mate, I appreciate this so much… you don’t even know” Frank said.

“What can you say, though? He’d just turn it around to you being a buzz kill, that’s what he’s doing to me. You wouldn’t get anywhere if you tried. Those guys, they don’t… they don’t like to think on things like that, do they? They just wanna party and shit talk girls, they don’t give a fuck if I’m in a bad mood, or if Mikey’s a bigot…” Frank could feel that bitterness swell again and kept quiet once more, although the look on Ray’s face told him that he agreed with everything Frank had said.

“I’m sure it’ll pass… but I feel like that’d make me more mad” Frank huffed. “What do you mean?” Ray asked. “Cause why go through all of this if he still wants me hanging out in the group, you know? Why go to the trouble of telling me that if he doesn’t even feel strong enough about it to actually act on it, right? If he doesn’t like that I’m dating Gee, then why not cast me out? If he hates gay people or what ever the fuck then why am I still here? It’s so weak, he can’t even be bothered to finish what he started” Frank said, breathing out slowly.

“You’re so right” Ray responded dreamily as if what Frank had said was a complete revelation; Frank smirked. “If there’s anything I can do, tell me and I’m there. And if he ever actually starts on you, I will say something, I have to…” Ray said sheepishly, still clearly feeling as though he wasn’t doing enough.

Frank really did appreciate him, but he didn’t have it in him to comfort the other. He knew that what he needed from his friends wasn’t available, and he didn’t want to burden Ray with any more than he already had. Frank would have been lying if he said he still wasn’t a tad disappointed, he wished that someone could help him put Mikey in his place.

But Frank was calm, this was enough, and he relished in the newly found kinship, he could see Ray was trying his best. If anything, he was still quite impressed that Ray hadn’t written him up when he said that he felt disconnected from everyone, as if he agreed somehow.

“Appreciate you, buddy. Let’s see how Pat’s birthday party goes first” Frank laughed, finally finishing his meal and squashing down the cardboard box, shoving it in the carrier bag. “Oh shit, I forgot about that” Ray mused, shooting Frank a mock awkward expression and pulling the collar of his t-shirt. “Got Gerard’s birthday first…” Frank murmured, catching Ray’s face light up in amusement.

“I’m sorry about yesterday! Funny though. He seems nice?” Ray drawled, back to his usual self. “He is” Frank said with a wide smile. “You got it bad” Ray joked, basking in Frank’s change of mood and grinning back. “Urgh, I do! That’s why this whole thing is pissing me off. Gee’s great, and I want you all to meet him, but it’s gonna be a disaster” he moaned. “Give it some time, fuck Mikey, the rest of them are too nosey to let this slide. They’re gonna wanna meet him” Ray said.

Frank nodded and glanced down absently at his phone. “Shit! It’s two o’clock!” he shot up and nearly tripped over the chair leg. “What time do you have to be back at work?” Ray chuckled. “Two o’clock!” Frank laughed, dashing back into the apartment with Ray in tow.

“Guess you better get going then?” he said slowly, folding his arms. “Oh shut up Mr “I work remotely”!” Frank giggled as he made for the door. “You should try it” Ray mocked. “Oh for sure, I’ll let the theatre know” the other scolded. Once the door was open, they stood for a moment, Frank’s fingers touching the handle. “I’m really, really grateful for this. I mean it” he spoke, looking over at Ray wistfully. “Any time. Text me” Ray replied with full seriousness.

Frank smiled and gave him a quick hug goodbye, practically running towards the lift. He stood impatiently while it approached and his phone buzzed. ‘where are you?? Darren’s going mad’; it was his manger. “Shit” Frank muttered.

Chapter Text

Gerard still couldn’t get used to sleeping over at Frank’s. It made him giddy for some reason, an amplified feeling of all of the high school sleepovers he’d missed. It was fairly normal now, they often ended up back at Frank’s rather than his place, it was better situated in town after all. Gerard preferred it. His OCD meant that having company at his own flat brought with it a multitude of anxieties that he’d rather not let Frank see.

He didn’t want to burden the other with his stupid coasters or his obsessive washing of dishes, the last thing he wanted to do was make Frank feel like he was in the way. Conversely, Frank made him feel completely at ease in his penthouse, a home away from home, a home he wasn’t scared in. It was so completely new to him to feel so comfortable somewhere, where not one thought of cleanliness or disorder entered his brain, even though if he spent the weekend, the place would look utterly trashed.

Gerard marvelled in the fact that he did not care.

Every time he came over he was struck by the feeling again as if it were new, it felt naughty almost, like he was sneaking out, a self made curfew he’d built up around himself that he was breaking. He wouldn’t tell Frank any of this, but he knew Frank saw his toothy grin and change in demeanour, he wondered if Frank thought on it at all.

When left alone, Gerard still couldn’t shake the feeling that he could fuck it all up on a moments notice, but when he was with Frank, all of that rescinded into a part of his brain he couldn’t reach. It was like he left that version of himself at home.

The pair were lying in Frank’s bed, semi clothed, scrolling through their phones with their legs intertwined. Frank kept nodding off throughout the evening, a long day at work he had cited, so they hadn’t been up to very much that night.

Gerard was however completely content to do nothing at all, so long as it was with Frank. Gerard was still dealing with a lot in therapy. He had told Sarah that he’d begun the conversation with Frank about his past, and they’d talked about it a lot that week. Sarah was both impressed by Gerard’s decision and also painfully smug about how well it had gone, as it was exactly what she’d told him would happen. She could see the sincerity in the relationship and felt vindicated that she’d been right. Gerard had complained to her that of course, she was always right.

They talked more about what they had been for weeks - sex. Gerard reassured her that it was still going well and since he’d started staying at Frank’s over night that a lot of his anxieties around it were being dulled. Gerard still battled with himself over how much more he’d tell Frank, when or if he would. Sarah encouraged him to try to live in the moment when his mind got too foggy with it.

She reminded him sternly that Frank liked him as he was, and to Frank’s mind, nothing was amiss. Gerard had asked what she meant and she told him that Frank was unaware of this imaginary conversation that Gerard was so scared to have, that it didn’t exist yet, that Frank wasn’t expecting it of him because he didn’t know it was there. It made perfect sense and Gerard had to begrudgingly agree with her, once again.

It wasn’t from a sense of duty that Gerard wanted to tell him though, he’d explained. He wanted to be wholly and completely Frank’s, warts and all. He wanted the ability to finally be able to share his whole self with another, something he felt he had never had. Sarah told him once again that the time would come. It would feel natural and right when it did. And if it never came, that this was okay too, that people are entitled to their secrets and private inner lives. Gerard supposed that some of this came from his lack of experience in any type of relationship, friendship or otherwise, and him feeling like a liar for not laying everything out all at once was a problem distinctly his own.

“Do you mind if I get the light? I can barely keep my eyes open” Frank yawned, rolling his head to the side to look at Gerard. Gerard smiled and glanced back. “Go for it” he said quietly, sneaking a quick peck on the lips while he had the opportunity. Frank smiled sleepily. “You can stay on your phone, I don’t mind, I can sleep through a storm” he mumbled, scooting up and hitting the light switch haphazardly with his palm. “No, it’s okay, I wanna cuddle” Gerard said as Frank shimmied back down into the sheets, fully encapsulating Gerard as if that had been his plan all along.

Gerard giggled and settled onto his side, always enjoying his self proclaimed role as the little spoon. “Night baby” Frank murmured into his ear, his voice barely awake. “Night” Gerard hummed back, rocking a little to get comfortable. “I see what you’re doing, you little shit” Frank grumbled amusedly. Gerard didn’t know what he meant until he felt a throb from Frank’s groin on his backside, he couldn’t help but grin to himself, self satisfied.

“I’m not doing anything!” he whined, and it was, for the most part, a genuine mistake. “You’re so hot though” Frank’s hand snaked to Gerard’s hip and gave a squeeze, but Gerard could feel the dead weight in his arm, the guy was practically sleeping. “Go to sleep, Frank” Gerard teased. “Urgh, boring” Frank’s hoarse voice couldn’t even string a sentence together and Gerard was sure that he’d fallen asleep after about ten seconds.

He basked in the warmth from the other and closed his eyes, focusing on where he was and what he was doing to keep his sense of calm. It was easy for his mind to wonder at times like these, a niggling sense that he’d somehow upset Frank by turning him down, or if he’d been so boring that Frank would rather sleep than speak to him. He didn’t know if he’d ever truely be rid of that self doubt, but feeling Frank’s soft breath on his neck, or the tender way in which he was being held, helped him keep it at bay.

Gerard finally started to drift off, and for the first time in the months he had been sleeping at Frank’s, he had a night terror.

It didn’t come as quickly as it usually did, Gerard found himself in restful, dreamless sleep for most of the night. It would be nearly sunrise when his body began to writhe, waking up Frank almost immediately.

There was an external view of the house he’d been kept in, a memory he didn’t know that he had.

He recalled then when he’d first set foot in the place, it had been of his own free will, laughing and holding hands with the man who would later ruin his life. It was nighttime, he remembered the flickering street light illuminating what was an impressively tall apartment complex, grey concrete, fancy cars parked on the elaborately paved driveway.

He remembered smiling up at the man, saying how great it was, thanking him for taking him away from the life he had.

The dream cut to the kitchen, a party, a series of faces that were now a complete blur. They were blurry in the dream too, smudged, like a scribbled out drawing, they looked like monsters to him now. Voices of those men and women ricocheted around him in uninterpretable howls, slow motion and impossibly quick at the same time.

The faces became a swirling mass of shapes he couldn’t recognise, he felt a chill in his blood that made him feel nauseous, a hand dragging a finger nail down his exposed spine. A woman touched his bare chest and when Gerard told her that he was a child, she laughed.

It came as a great roar that traveled around the room and amplified as it did, it picked up echoes like a reverberating guitar pedal. It halted with a screeching noise, Gerard now in the bed, broken and bruised, coddled in a duvet while people leered at him.

Gerard sat there and begged them to continue, that he needed showing.

It was no longer a projection of a memory, but an imprint of Gerard’s own self loathing. The prickly laugher intensified and Gerard’s ears rang, he tried to cover his face but found his hands drenched in blood, hair and teeth mottled in the red slick.

“Don’t stop” he murmured, the voice coming from him was from ten years ago, the voice of a young teenager in way over his head. “Don’t stop, he says! Stop, stop, don’t stop!” it was his own voice again, calling back to him. “Please…” his mother’s voice.

He was still in the bed, in the duvet, but now an inch of black water surrounded him, back in the kitchen where the party was. It lapped coldly at his ankles and he felt the icy chill swallow him up, his hands now blackened with frost bite.

All Gerard wanted to be was an artist, and now he couldn’t, he thought.

He cried then, and the room went silent. Gerard would always be punished if he cried. “Honey…” his mum called out to him, he reached out his decaying arms as if he could embrace her, or a memory of her that he had not tainted with the person he had become. “Honey… please” she sobbed now, but he couldn’t see her.

Gerard feebly felt around for her as the room gradually lit up into a stark white, figures now indistinguishable from walls, a silvery glow that threatened to blind him. “Baby…” it hummed around him protectively, but he couldn’t feel its warmth.

“Gerard!” Frank called in a panic.

He had awoken to Gerard’s legs twitching madly against his own. For a moment, he thought nothing of it, plenty of people move around when they dream. But then, just as he began to fall back to sleep, he had heard the most horrendous choking sob tumble from Gerard’s mouth, and he shot up in the bed to see Gerard’s pillow completely soaked with tears.

“Honey?” he spoke again, louder this time, putting a firm hand on his shoulder to shake him awake, but he did not come to. Gerard was letting out a string of low groans and some muffled words, and Frank had never seen anyone shake as he was.

“Baby… wake up!” Frank was freaking out big time, he’d never seen this before, he didn’t know if the guy was having some kind of seizure. “Gerard!” he abruptly and forcefully rolled Gerard into his back, perching above him, inches face his face. “Gee!” he yelled, tears lining his eyes, completely terrified.

He was about to call for an ambulance when Gerard’s eyes snapped open, and he sat up so quickly that Frank had to dive to the side to avoid being head butted. Frank panted wildly as he sat there, trying to make any sort of sense of what he’d just witnessed, staring at Gerard with wide, unblinking eyes. Gerard’s body still shook, his own chest heaving, sweat soaked through his clothes completely. He looked totally dazed, and peered around the room in short bursts, his eyes moving rapidly, as if he didn’t know where he was.

All Frank could do was stare. This only went on for only a moment but it felt like hours, Frank still reeling from the fact that he thought Gerard was having some kind of medical episode. He really thought the other was having a heart attack or something, and it shook him to his core. He’d never seen anything like it.

“G-Gee…?” he spluttered out after a time. Gerard turned to him quickly, his eyes still scanning around madly, tears still rolling down his cheeks. He cried silently, staring back over at Frank as if his heart was shattered; he looked exhausted.

“Baby… what’s… are y-you okay?” he choked, reaching a hand out to Gerard’s. The other slapped it away as if on instinct and the look of horror that spread over Gerard’s face at the realisation of it made Frank’s heart sink. “I didn’t… I didn’t m-mean t-t-t….” Gerard’s shaking ramped up ten fold and Frank felt powerless to help him.

“It’s okay… tell me what’s happening, baby…w-what can I do?” he said weakly, daring to get a little closer to Gerard on the bed. Gerard stood abruptly, covering his body with the blanked as if he was naked. “I…” Gerard took a few deep breaths, it evened out a touch, and the shaking finally stopped. “Baby, lay down, okay? Talk to me” Frank offered, though his own panic hardly sounded comforting.

Gerard stood there in a sort of stalemate for a while, his expression softening into apathy, his face going blank. “P-please say something baby, you’re scaring me” Frank didn’t know why let that part slip, he supposed looking back on it that he was in flight mode, completely overwhelmed, even to the detriment of Gerard.

“I’m s-sorry, I…” Gerard’s lip wobbled and he seemed to be back in the room. He looked down at Frank with utter hopelessness, clinging onto the sheets like they were a lifeline. “I’m so sorry” it barely came out. “No, no… Gee, come here, sit down, please…” Frank sat up a little to give Gerard the space to get back into bed, keenly aware that Gerard did not want to be touched. Gerard slowly moved to join him, teetering in the edge of the bed, wrapped up tight and firmly out of Frank’s reach.

“I’m so sorry…” he said quietly, his mania subsided. Gerard knew well how to calm himself in moments like this, it happened often enough. He couldn’t even remember the dream anymore, just a dull aching sense of dread. He only panicked now in seeing Frank’s face twisted in concern, eyes brimmed with tears. “Are you okay?” Frank sounded so unsure when it said it and it shattered Gerard.

He just wanted something nice and normal, it was like he wasn’t allowed.

“Yeah… I’m sorry” Gerard kept saying it until it sounded like noise, he said it as if it could undo what Frank had seen. “Stop saying sorry” Frank said softly, edging a little closer; Gerard allowed it. “Do you, uh…” Frank coughed nervously, finding his words.

“Do you have like, epilepsy? Or something?” he asked carefully. Gerard had the opportunity to lie, and it was tempting. But Sarah’s many pieces of advice flashed through his mind, he knew that he owed it to Frank to try his best, he owed Frank emotional comfort in turn.

“No… um, I… get these terrors, sometimes…”. After sex, he thought piercingly; though not this time, somehow. “It doesn’t happen very often”, a harmless white lie, he resented. “I’m so sorry you had to see that… I’m working on it” he didn’t really know what else to say, he studied Frank’s face tentatively. Frank nodded slowly, trying to keep his calm for Gerard’s sake.

On the inside, he was screaming. He knew what Gerard had told him and he was sure that this night terror was directly related. His heart broke for Gerard that he was suffering so much, and that he had to down play in order to keep their relationship in check. Frank wanted nothing more than to absorb Gerard’s pain from him. Frank didn’t want the details until Gerard was ready, but it saddened him that Gerard didn’t seem to have another single person to tell.

What he’d just seen was catatonic, catastrophic, not something someone as true and kind natured as Gerard should have to deal with. Frank did not know what to do. “Frank?” Gerard’s voice shook and Frank suddenly realised that he’d been staring off while he thought, leaving Gerard to sit in silence.

“Sorry… I, I’m here for you, okay?” it was as basic an answer as Frank could have provided, he scolded himself for it. “I think… I think I’m gonna go” Gerard mumbled indirectly. Frank frowned. “No, no… baby, it’s okay. Don’t…” Gerard could see the want in Frank’s eyes but he could also see that he was completely overwhelmed.

He didn’t know if leaving Frank’s side right now was the best thing for him to do, for either of them, but he couldn’t bare to see Frank flounder, the other needed time to process and Gerard felt like him being there would delay it. “I need to call my therapist” Gerard murmured; another detail he hadn’t really discussed with Frank was his over reliance on Sarah.

“Oh right, yeah… for sure” Frank was bursting with questions but he couldn’t verbalise any of it. On a selfish level, he wished he hadn’t seen it, and he was sure Gerard felt the same way.

Gerard was dressed in no time, the sun finally peaking in through the blinds. Frank stared up at him, still unmoved on the bed in a state of shock. He looked dishevelled, exhausted, smaller somehow; weak. Frank wanted to hold him close and make him laugh again. “I’ll text you later” he offered as Gerard started to slip out of the room. Gerard paused and smiled back.

“It’s okay” he said quietly before he left, Frank hearing the front door shut in the distance.

Frank did not know what he meant by that, did he mean he was okay? Frank was? What was “it”? Frank wondered if Gerard meant that it was okay if he didn’t text him, silent permission for Frank to be done with it. Gerard let his tears fall again as he walked quickly through the empty street.

Chapter Text

“I can’t deal with it anymore… it’s like every time I take a step forward I get thrown ten steps back… I feel angry, like I’m putting in all this work and I’m still totally out of control” Gerard sat in Sarah’s all too familiar office, wound up tight, teetering on the edge of the sofa with his leg jumping, Sarah sat at her desk. “Out of control?” she pressed.

“I was shaking, I didn’t know where I was. I hit him, I think… he reached out to me and I smacked him back, I didn’t recognise him at all” Gerard replied. “Who did you think it was?” Sarah asked calmly, clipboard wedged in her lap, looking down at Gerard with a soft expression. Gerard stared back acrimoniously.

He very rarely got annoyed with her but he felt like today could be the day. She wasn’t skirting around anything, he knew better than that, but the focus was entirely on the panic attack, something they had talked about at length for years. Gerard wanted to talk about how to deal with Frank, and as of yet, she wasn’t having it.

He knew they’d get around to it and he knew that she had good reason to direct the conversation how she saw fit, but Gerard wasn’t in the mood for introspection.

He was angry, at himself, the world, the hand he’d been dealt that prevented him from living a simple life. He resented that sleeping at his partners house could be such a disaster, despite his best efforts. And he really was trying.

“I don’t know… I forgot what I was dreaming about as soon as I woke up. I was just confused” Gerard knew he sounded snappy, going through the motions, he knew it wouldn’t go unnoticed. Sarah cocked an eyebrow, jotting something down. “What did you write?” Gerard drawled, crossing his arms to his chest. He looked petulant, he wasn’t usually this bold with his bad moods.

“What do you want to talk about, Gerard?” Sarah asked, keeping her voice light but clearly getting as frustrated as Gerard was. It took him back, then crept in the horrid guilt he always felt, looking over her with his tired eyes, trying to get a read on her. She sat as professionally as she always, staring back, waiting for Gerard to reply. He felt a lump in his throat. “I’m sorry” he said quietly, his voice weak, his previous bravado slipping almost immediately.

“What are you thinking right now?” Sarah mused, sliding her clipboard onto the table pointedly. Gerard looked at it then at her, reaching over slowly while keeping eye contact, assessing whether he’d read her right. Sarah gave a fractional nod and Gerard picked up the clipboard.

“Unresponsive to assessment. Gerard seems upset and is expressing anger. Refusing to interact with materials, highly unusual. Aggressive responses. Acknowledged night terror ten nights previous… reoccurring elements, not disclosed. Refusal to answer basic questions regarding… frustration obvious…” the notes went on like that; half finished sentences and comment boxes left empty, some scribblings in the corner said things like “session unbalanced, session to be concluded” and “ask Gerard to engage”.

Gerard had only seen notes from his sessions on a handful of occasions, and he had never seen his whole file. He supposed Sarah was trying to make a point, and it was made well. He sighed and placed the document down, leaning back into the sofa and looking to his left out of the window, his eyes welling up.

“Am I about right, Gerard?” she asked slowly, taking the clipboard back from the desk. “Yeah…” he replied solemnly, still looking away. “What are you thinking?” she asked again, the context feeling kinder this time. “I’m… I just feel like I’m putting in all this work and getting nothing back. And I know I’ve made progress, I know stuff is better… I just want to be able to be and do whatever without this fallout, without everything having to be considered to the most minute detail incase my brain goes ‘oop, you actually hate that, Gerard, fuck you’” he rattled off, feeling the tightness in his chest ease a little.

“I don’t mind talking about the dreams… I know it’s helpful, you know I know that…” he mumbled. “I just feel like I’m tired… I’m tired of trying. I don’t wanna be like this” his voice broke and he wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve, finally glancing back at his therapist.

Sarah looked a bit alarmed by Gerard’s sudden change in mood, watching him sympathetically and nodding as he spoke. She did not write anything down. “It all takes time, Gerard. You’ve had a massive life change this year and it’s not something you’ve ever gone through before” she said. Gerard nodded lowly but he didn’t want to hear it, Sarah could see that he didn’t want to hear it, she decided a different tactic.

“Let’s change it up. What happened before you went to sleep?” she asked. Gerard sucked his teeth and shrugged. “Literally nothing. I met him at the door when he got back from work and he just ate and watched TV. He kept falling asleep so we went to bed” he mumbled. Sarah made a sort of intrigued noise, cocking her head to the side. “You didn’t sleep together?” she asked.

Gerard wanted so hard to stamp his feet in exasperation, same old, same old. But he reminded himself to trust the process, Sarah was doing him a kindness by even letting him stay in the room; he was being vile.

“No” he said simply. “That’s why I’m so fucked off. I can figure my way around stuff when I know how I’ll react, and it’s like I can’t even rely on that now…” he clarified, trying again to keep his voice cool. “We’re going around in circles, Gerard. That’s not a dig, I’m not trying to annoy you, but I want this to be as productive as we can manage. I want you leaving here happier than you arrived. What is it you need?” Sarah seemed more sympathetic than before, seeing Gerard’s mood swing wildly no matter how hard he tried.

“I’m so tired” he croaked, the rage dropping again.

He himself was alarmed how quickly he was cycling between complete anger and pitiful sadness, it wasn’t something he experienced very often. He was sure Sarah would write that one down. “I want my flat and my job and my boyfriend and I want to be able to go on dates and have sex and make friends without being a fucking train wreck” he cried then, letting every single negative thought in the back of his head come spilling out.

Sarah leaned in with a tissue, to Gerard’s mind appearing beside him quite suddenly, even though she’d tentatively and slowly walked over to him while he talked. “T-thanks…” he sniffled, wiping his eyes and breathing out slowly.

“You will get there” she said firmly, giving his shoulder a squeeze. “I want to b-be there n-now…” he stammered in between ragged breaths. “I know”.

With that, they sat quietly for a long time while Gerard composed himself. He felt awful. Non of this was her fault and he’d been a complete heal. He’d been non verbal when they’d met, the strides they’d made were nothing short of a miracle. But Gerard was tired, he was so, so tired. “I’m sorry” he offered again, his tears dried up, his body rigid. “Non of that” Sarah smiled. “No, I’ve been a dick all afternoon, it’s your job to help me” he grumbled. “And it’s also my job to listen, Gerard, for better or worse. Trust me, I’ve had worse. You are not obligated to be in a good mood all the time. Therapy is hard” she replied with a smile.

Gerard huffed. “I feel bad though” he sighed. “You always feel bad. How’s Frank?” Sarah laughed, crossing her legs while she watched Gerard’s reaction closely. Gerard scoffed but smiled back; she was good at this. “I dunno… we haven’t spoken. Or, more… I haven’t been replying to his texts…” Gerard braced himself for the telling off, which inevitably came.

“Gerard!” Sarah jeered, throwing her pen down dramatically. Gerard put his head in his hands. “I know, alright? I know…” he grumbled into his palms. “Why?” Sarah replied sharply. “I’m embarrassed… ashamed. I don’t want him to see it all, he deserves to feel safe as much as I do” he said. Sarah nodded. “Does he make you feel embarrassed?”.

“No? Sort of…” he pondered. “Sort of?” Sarah was coming in hard as usual. “He hasn’t said anything to make me feel self conscious, not at all. He’s trying to check up on me, he’s… being nice, as always. But it’s embarrassing that he even has to do that, right? Like I’m some broken thing or a child” Gerard said. “That’s not embarrassing, Gerard, that’s normal, hate to say it” she came in with humour, Gerard needed it. “What happened that night is not embarrassing, not to him. I’m sure he was very worried about you. Him checking up on you is what any normal person would do. What did you tell him when you came to?” she pressed. “He asked me if I had epilepsy. I wanted to lie. He asked me not… to go” he replied quietly.

Sarah nodded. “I asked you what you wanted, Gerard. What do you want, right now? What’s a small goal we can focus on?” she opened, looking over Gerard curiously. He sighed. “I wanna be with Frank and I want it not to be hard” he spoke honestly, feeling the relief of the admission. “Well, let’s do that then. Thoughts on texting Frank back?” she wasn’t being pushy, it wasn’t her place, but Gerard appreciated a little direction from time to time.

“I will… I just need to clear my head. But I will” he agreed, and he meant it, in some capacity. “Have you had any nightmares since?”. “No, not that I remember. I’ve just been at home… moping” Gerard resigned himself to how pathetic he sounded. “That’s good, well, not the moping….” Sarah was writing, looking between her notebook and the clock, Gerard saw that his time was nearly up. He could ask for more, she was paid by the courts to be available to him 24/7, but he was exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to go home and rest.

“I was wondering if there was any… sleeping pills you could prescribe me? I know it’s not a long term solution, but I’m scared to stay over at Frank’s… I’m scared to sleep. I just want a break” he asked. Sarah stopped writing and sighed. “I’ll see Gerard, but most will interact poorly with your SSRI’s, I don’t think I’ll be able to help you there. But I will check, I promise. You mustn’t buy any over the counter, okay? It’ll mess with your heart rate, you’ll get dizzy and sleep for twenty hours” she hummed, signing off with a joke though remaining serious. “Sounds nice” Gerard grinned. “Gerard….” she raised an eyebrow. “I know… it’s fine” he spoke.

“Right. I want you to go home and cook yourself something, no takeaway. And I want you to go to work tomorrow” she concluded, standing up to walk Gerard out the room. “Urgh, maybe” he laughed. “I want you back here in three days and I want to hear about all the productive things you’ve been doing” she smiled back. Gerard made a noncommittal comment before he left, taking his time walking back to the bus stop once he was out of the hospital.

“Productive” - the word had been bashed into his skull for years, he was fed up with it. Why did everything have to involve some great personal growth journey? Why couldn’t he get it into his thick skull to just be normal? He felt better than he did before his session but it was a small mercy, he still felt completely lost. Gerard missed Frank so much he could have burst into tears on the spot.

He wished he had Sarah’s faith in him. Maybe he’d call her later, once his head was cleared. It felt hopeless, he hadn’t felt so without direction in many years. He supposed, thinking on it, that for years, this introspection had been his only option. He’d stuck to it so rigidly on the promise of a better life, and now presented with a life that felt more like where he wanted to be, the soaring disappointment that it wouldn’t be so simple.

Frank deserved simplicity and Gerard wanted to disappear.

Sat on the bus, alone and sun setting before him, he thought more on his life, his decisions, and how everything fucked up about him felt like the fault of his own. He’d been a child, Sarah would have commanded, but Sarah wasn’t here. Gerard was company only to himself and Gerard had run away at fourteen to a world of hurt. He wished he’d met Frank when he was younger, he wished he still knew his brother. Gerard wished his parents didn’t hate him.

But, after it all, he figured, comme se, comme są, he was going to see Frank. Fuck everything.

Chapter Text

It had been ten days since Frank had heard from Gerard at all and he had been going out of his mind.

Frank had done nothing but stare at the door for what felt like hours when Gerard had walked out on him. He wanted to call out to him, grab him, hold him, kiss him. He wanted nothing more than to make him feel seen and appreciated.

But he didn’t, he’d sat dumbly in complete silence while this shaking bag of bones had scuttled out if his flat without a backward glance, spurred on by sheer embarrassment, with not a meaningful word of comfort uttered by Frank. Maybe if he’d asked one more time, in a different way, for the other to stay, he might have.

Frank was angry with himself for having absolutely nothing to offer the other in that instance. What was the use in telling Gerard he was there for him? What did they even mean? He felt terribly out of his depth and the guilt ate him up.

Gerard had confided in him something that Frank was fairly sure he didn’t speak to anyone else about; bar his apparent therapist. This had been days before, and Frank realised that he had spent no time at all to process it. Gerard had been flippant about it, and therefore so had Frank. He hadn’t given himself a minute to think about what it really meant for them. He didn’t want things to change, so he’d selfishly put it to the back of his mind.

When Frank realised this, he felt like a monster. He’d convinced himself that he ignored it for Gerard’s sake, but came to see that it was more for his own than anything. He’d been so encapsulated in his Gerard bubble that he couldn’t even entertain the idea that anything could be amiss. He’d had time to come to terms with it and prepare for all unpleasantness, but he hadn’t.

Rather, he’d continued as normal and there he was, half naked in his bed with his partner having a melt down, with absolutely no tools to help.

Frank tried not to beat himself up too much that day, figuring that the other needed space, that he was exhausted, that he was sleeping. But when the evening wore on, and his texts went unanswered, the panic set it. Hours turned to days and this was when Frank realised his wrong doing.

The only thing he could think to say was “I’m here for you” - pathetic, he thought.

Since, he’d read up on grounding exercises, breathing techniques, the wording of questions you can ask someone who’s having a crisis. He should have done all this before. Not been so meek and let a man, in no fit state what so ever to be alone, walk out. It seemed, Gerard was hiding so much of his pain to keep Frank comfortable, and Frank felt like he had failed him in turn.

After a week, Frank debated going to Gerard’s house, pangs of fear for his safety looming in his mind. He didn’t though. He saw Gerard was reading his messages, he saw him online. Frank didn’t want to bombard him when he wasn’t wanted. He didn’t want Gerard to feel unprepared for an ambush, it wasn’t fair, he’d been through enough. Frank could do nothing but cry.

He ghosted through work like a zombie and dragged himself home in a stupor every night, watching TV blankly until he remembered why he was sad, alternating between staring out in complete silence to sobbing like a baby. It felt like the end. His heart was breaking. Even though it had been months, everything still felt shiny and new and bright, and he’d let it cloud him when it came to really reading the other.

Gerard asked him about his friends all the time, checked in with him about it, asked him about work, was proud and excited when Frank quit his old job. Frank feared that he hadn’t done the same, lost in the sauce and excitement of a new life.

Gerard wasn’t an open book, that was for sure, but he feared he hadn’t even tried. A horrid feeling that he was as shallow as the friends who pissed him off crept in. Frank knew by day nine that he was wallowing, and that a lot of what he was thinking was down to his upset, but it didn’t make it any less loud.

Above all else, it got him thinking how much the other really meant to him. Frank had it made, realistically, he was fine, supported, stable. But the hole left in his life by Gerard not being in it ripped into him like he’d lost a limb, it wasn’t proportionate at all. The more he thought on it though, the more he realised his own ignorance.

He loved him.

In five months it had not been said, the time flying by so quickly and succinctly that he hadn’t even had time to think about it.

It had all been so much fun that he hadn’t stopped to think what life would now be without him. Gerard hadn’t said it either, and it would have bothered him more if Gerard wasn’t a total people pleaser. It dawned on Frank that he should have taken the lead on that, Gerard was way too self conscious about absolutely everything, of course he wouldn’t say it first.

Gerard wouldn’t have felt worthy. Frank thought back to the way Gerard had looked down at his brokenly on the bed, wrapped in the blanket, like a wounded animal desperate for comfort. Maybe Frank should have said it then.

But he hadn’t, and he was nearly two weeks into the silent treatment. Ray checked in, naturally, and Frank had indicated that there had been an issue. He hadn’t even attempted to describe any of it, he wouldn’t have dared, so had simplistically called it an argument. By that point, he pretty much figured he’d been dumped, and told Ray as much, who was now attempting to dote on the other, who, even in the eyes of his very simple minded friends, was clearly not doing well at all.

Heck, even Pete had texted him - even fucking Bert had texted him; Frank felt like he was having an aneurysm. And so, just like before New Year, his friends had dragged him to a bar - the same fucking bar - in an attempt to cheer him up. He felt jaded about the whole thing and found the lack of tact almost amusing, but he couldn’t blame them for trying, even in their own, profoundly thoughtless, way.

He didn’t give them too much of a hard time, it was sweet, really, and even Mikey didn’t seem to want to give him a hard time. He told them no details, nor did Ray, but he assumed even they could fill in the gaps.

They were sat in a booth, drinks flowing, shouting at each other over the loud, thudding music. Frank tried to interact where he could but was content to sit and listen, the group gregarious as was the norm, rolling over each other in hysterics while they only got drunker. Ray seemed to be keeping a close eye on him but he was genuinely content, a niggling sadness in him no doubt, but glad for the distraction. Frank was calm in his drunkenness, tired even, and it soothed him, even if only for the moment.

“Frankie!” Pete blared, slamming his hands down on the table. “Drinks!” he yelled, the group cheering when he said it. Frank smiled. “Shots?” he called out once he was stood. “Shots! Shots! Shots!” they all garbled in response, boyish laughter erupting around him. Frank gave a thumbs up and made way for the bar.

He stood for around ten minutes before he was acknowledged. “Uh, can I get six… uh, ‘Atom Bombs’, please?” Frank didn’t really know what it was, but it was at the top of the menu and he didn’t think anyone one at the table would care. “Thirty quid, mate” the bar tender thrust a card reader in his direction without even looking, Frank grimaced as he tapped his phone. “Fuck me…” he mumbled under his breath. No wonder he felt better off, even since changing his job, Frank thought, drinking was expensive.

He was presented with a tray with five of the drinks slotted nearly into place, the sixth shoved haphazardly beside it. Frank rolled his eyes and picked up the five, walking back to the table quickly. Everyone cheered again on his arrival and drank their drinks without a moment to spare, hollering and egging eachother on. Frank wordlessly went back to the bar and downed his, taking a minute for himself.

He glanced behind him to see the group rambling over something else, Bert was looking a little worse off than everyone else and they seemed to be picking on him for it. He looked over at Mikey, who was behaving the same as everyone else. The other’s face seemed softer, he hadn’t had that poisonous look of complete apathy all day which was a nice change.

He’d said hello and it hadn’t come across as disingenuous at all. Frank supposed that at least he had the humanity not to kick a man when he was down. This wasn’t healing but at the very least it kept his mind else where. Frank ordered himself a beer while he was stood there, thinking he’d stay put for a while, he didn’t seem to be missed and he was enjoying doing a spot of people watching.

He couldn’t help but think of the night he met Gerard, it was sort of inevitable. He’d been stood almost where he was in that moment, doing much the same, also being ignored by his friends.

In his drunkenness, he felt wistful, fuzzy about it, he almost felt happy, focusing on the butterflies he’d felt on that night rather than what had come since.

“Hey” Frank visibly jumped and spun his head to the right, the word spoke closely in his ear was distinctly loud, even over the music. It was a girl, blonde and smiling, with a back combed shag cut and a neck full of tattoos, standing close with a plastic cup of wine balanced between her impressively manicured acrylic nails. “Hi” Frank replied with a smile, not really thinking too much on it.

“I like your tats” she said, leaning in a little closer, keeping her eyes glued to the work on Frank’s arms. She seemed bubbly and without pretence, Frank was happy for any type of distraction. “I like yours” he replied with a smile, toasting with his beer. She giggled and raised her drink, taking a sip when Frank did. “I’m Jo” she offered, and Frank nodded as he put his glass down. “Frank” he said, holding out a hand for her to shake. She laughed at the gesture but reciprocated, still giggling with a wide grin and eyes that would not leave him.

“What you doing sitting up here all by yourself?” she said boldly, leaning in even closer. Frank shifted back a little but didn’t make it obvious, he was very aware that he was being flirted with. He didn’t mind, but there was no way in hell he was going there, though he had to admit the idea of it did do something for his ego.

“I’m here with my friends, they’re trying to cheer me up” he replied, looking back again at the table, Jo’s eyes followed for a moment. “What are you doing all by yourself?” he quickly pinged it back at her, not at all interested in giving her any sort of play by play of how he was doing, although it was tempting in his drunkenness. “Just hanging out, shooting my shit, I come here alone a lot… it’s fun to get to know people” she was soothing and positive, her voice jovial, she seemed nice enough.

They got to talking for a while after that. Not about any particular one thing, but she was light and airy, unserious without the vapidity his friend’s sometimes brought. Frank found himself genuinely engrossed in her, laughing, and she was just as impressed with him. It was nice talking to a stranger, he didn’t have to go through things he’d rather not, he could brag a little, act up a bit.

Frank was wholly into it until he felt her hand on his knee. He froze, while she kept talking as if nothing was amiss. Frank wasn’t new to this, he should have seen it coming, but in his lonely stupor, he wished that he’d just found someone new to talk to.

He shuffled up in the bar stool and her hand fell, for a moment, then came straight back up and landed at the top of his thigh. “Everything okay?” she was genuinely nice, there was no hint of want in her voice, rather, it was a genuine question. “Yeah, uh, I’m not… I’m not looking for anything like that, sorry, I thought we were just talking” he stammered out; not usually one for turning someone down.

Jo pulled her hand back instantly, a blush creeping over her cheeks, she looked down. “I’m sorry! You’re just really cool and, well, your friend said you were single…” she was still lively but clearly self conscious. Frank furrowed his brow. “My friend?” he asked, a twist forming in his stomach.

“Yeah, that guy over there, with the glasses” with that, she pointed straight at Mikey, who sat oblivious.

Frank’s blood boiled. God forbid he could have one night not spoiled by this self assured prick, Frank thought. “Oh” he choked out, not wanting to make this girl feel any worse than she already did. “You’re great, I’m sorry. He’s a joke” he didn’t have it in him to let her down gently, he shouldn’t have had to be letting her down at all. He stood up, left her to it, and marched back over to the booth.

“Oye!” he snapped, no longer caring about the optics of the group. He didn’t care how the others would perceive this, if they were in on it, he just didn’t care. Mikey’s head cropped up first expectantly, the rest following dumbly as if they had no idea what was going on. “Happy then?” he snarled. Mikey grinned but it had a flash of guilt in it, if only a little. He looked towards the rest of the group with an animated shrug as if he too did not know what was going on.

“Fucking look at me” Frank was nearly hysterical, but he needed this. Weeks of frustration were pouring out of him, it really was now or never. “Woah, dude, what the fuck?” Mikey looked again to the table for comfort but everyone stared at Frank.

“You think it’s cool to get some girl to chat me up when I’m feeling like this? When I’m drunk? When I’m a total fucking mess? When you guys are supposed to be cheering me up?” he started, leaning over Ray and grabbing his jacket as he went.

“Think it’s funny? Oh, stupid fucking Frank Iero is in a fight with his boyfriend, better get some girl to fuck the fairy out of him, hm? A girl, by the way, who is perfectly fucking nice and does not deserve to be thrown into your stupid game. How about, next time, when your friend is sad, you just, I dunno, fucking talk to them? See where they’re at? Give a solitary fuck about what they actually need?” he was raging but no one stopped him, even Mikey open and closed his mouth several times, the retorts not coming.

“Not just throw some pussy at me like it’s a fucking contest! What was your plan? Get me hammered enough to sleep with her so you can say ‘I told you so’ in the morning?!” Frank looked around the table, they continued to stare. Frank paused, he knew by then he was crying; he wasn’t sure if any of them had seen him cry before.

“Fuck you, man. I… I love him” he was weak now, a tonne of weight gone from him, leaving him fragile. He stormed out without another word, careening into the dark street where it was absolutely tipping it down with rain. He didn’t care, he didn’t even put his jacket on. Frank piled into a taxi and didn’t consider the cost, he needed to be home and he needed to call Gerard. The fact that the other was ignoring him didn’t cross his mind, he would see that man again come hell or high water, even if it was for the last time.

He practically flew out of the taxi when he got back to his flat, his sober brain making him feel even more determined than he had before.

And there, like a guardian angel, was Gerard, sat on the steps to his building, soaked head to toe from the pouring rain.

Frank stood paralysed at the edge of the street, fairly certain that he had not yet been seen. He looked to be on his phone, wiping the screen over and over with a sodden sleeve while his hair dripped down his face. Frank’s phone buzzed. He pulled it out to see a stream of messages, starting about two hours before. The last one read “I’m here, if you wanna talk. i miss youxx”, sent just now.

“Gerard!” Frank called, pacing up quickly to the building; there was no way the other would have heard him over the rain.

“Gee!” he called again, a little closer. Gerard jumped up when he saw him, standing awkwardly and just staring out; even in the weather, Frank could see his face was puffy from tears. He didn’t say a word when Frank reached him, and they stood toe to toe for a moment, looking over each other as if they hadn’t spoken in years.

“Gerard, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you, that I couldn’t make you feel safe, I miss you… I need you” he was practically shouting in the others face, the rainfall catastrophically loud. Gerard heard him and his face softened; but Frank couldn’t quite get a read on him. “Can you come in? Come on…” he began fumbling with the keys in his pocket, still stood only inches from the other. Once he has his key, Frank looked back to him, searching wildly over his face.

“I love you” Gerard had to yell, but his face was as serious as it was sincere. Frank’s breath caught in his throat and he finally understood Gerard’s blank expression. It was endearment, longing - love.

Frank could have broken down, but rather, he pulled Gerard into the tightest hug imaginable, boring his soul into it, and Gerard held him back with equal desperation. “Let’s go inside” Gerard finally murmured, threading his fingers with Frank’s as he was let in the door.

Chapter Text

The walk up to Frank’s apartment was silent, but the pairs hands remained inseparably intertwined, clinging on as if they’d loose each other again. Frank was so overwhelmed he could have been sick. He was still drunk, a little, still fuming with Mikey, but all of it was clouded by Gerard’s presence.

The other looked serene, his face blissed as if he’d released some great pent up energy by saying it. He was soaking wet, his hair still dripping over his shoulders; Frank dreaded to think how long he’d been out there. Frank unlocked the door to his flat and their hands finally separated, Frank felt decidedly colder then, as ridiculous as it seemed, like he needed Gerard plastered to him in that moment. Gerard walked in wordlessly, standing back and watching over the other while Frank locked the door.

Gerard crashed back into his arms then, clinging to Frank’s torso like his life depended on it.

Frank found himself crying hard with no real warning. It was as if his body could do no other from sheer frustration, outpouring emotion in the most rudimentary way when the words wouldn’t come. Gerard stiffened when he heard it, but did not let go, allowing Frank’s head to bury into his shoulder with no bother, a hand coming up to Frank’s neck and stroking the base of his hair.

Frank wanted to say sorry again but he couldn’t get it out. Neither of them really knew what to say, but it was easy, they didn’t need to say a thing. Frank didn’t know why he was crying, the guilt was unbearable but more than anything he felt relief. He couldn’t consolidate the two in his mind and he burst with it.

“I’m sorry…” he finally murmured. He was apologising for a million things and non of them clear. Frank wanted to list them all but it was innumerable. He was sorry he hadn’t helped, he was sorry he’d hidden Gerard away, he was sorry he’d used him for some sort of wish fulfilment. He knew Gerard didn’t think or expect any of this from him, but he couldn’t scrub the sight of him leaving, he was shellshocked, he’d nearly let slip away the best thing that had ever happened to him. Gerard didn’t say a thing, he just clung back; Frank wasn’t sure if he was crying too. Frank sniffled and held Gerard at arms length, staring back at him with both fear and adoration.

Gerard’s cheeks were wet and he laughed nervously, looking down at the ground and then back up to Frank, his arms awkwardly by his sides. “I love you so much” Frank spat it out, rushing through it as if it could have gone wrong, time feeling impossibly slow while he gauged Gerard’s response. Gerard looked surprised, at first, something Frank did not expect.

Then again, it was wholly in character for his little weirdo, to be shocked by such a statement when it was the most obvious thing in the world. His face softened then, his eyes brimmed with more tears. “Really?” was all Gerard could think to say. Frank would have scoffed and rolled his eyes if they were in any other position, but instead, his heart broke a little with it, beguiled in the fact that even now, Gerard couldn’t think of himself as worthy.

“Yes, really” Frank spoke softly but with complete conviction, closing the gap between them and pressing his forehead to Gerard’s. The other grinned, wide, as if Frank wasn’t watching him. Gerard leaned in and pressed a firm kiss to Frank’s lips, soft and present, not heated at all - just, sweet. It felt electric to Frank though, wholly new, like the first time they’d kissed in the back of his car. He closed his eyes and basked in the feeling of Gerard being so close by, the chasm in himself feeling less so, bringing home the fact that it had felt like a canyon when Gerard was gone. It was like a bubbling warmth traveling up him from his toes; he could feel his cheeks getting hot.

Gerard pulled back, his face calm, contemplative. “We need to talk” he said. It sounded ominous but it was delivered kindly; Frank knew he had no reason to be worried. “We do” he replied simply, sighing to himself as Gerard lead them to the sofa. “Do you want a drink?” Frank spoke up awkwardly, standing over the other who looked back up at him, grinning again.

“You know what, I would fucking love a cup of tea. And a towel” Gerard replied with a laugh. Frank looked over his hair again, which now dripped onto the couch cushions. “Shit! Yeah…” Frank scurried to the bathroom. He’d been so engrossed in the moment that he’d seemingly forgotten they were both drenched, he grabbed himself a towel too, and a couple of t-shirts.

He strode back to an expectant Gerard, who watched him move through the room. “There’s a shirt there too, if you want it” Frank gently placed the stack next to Gerard, who smiled as he wrapped one of the towels around his shoulders. Frank looked over him for a moment. “What?” Gerard mused. Frank smiled and looked down. “You’re so cute” he quipped, walking over to his kitchen island. He heard Gerard tut just before the kettle started boiling.

Teas in hand, he sat down snuggly next to the other, who held the mug in both hands, his fingers still red from the cold outside. “I’m sorry” Frank said again, Gerard frowned. “What for?” he asked gently, Frank breathed out slowly.

“I should have been better prepared” he replied honestly. Of all the answers he could have given, it was one Gerard had not expected. He’d gone in all guns blazing, fully expecting to have to beg to get Frank to hear him out. Frank apologising was not something he has anticipated. “You told me something really important, something really personal to you… and I know you didn’t want a big reaction, but I feel like I didn’t really hear you… like, uh…” Frank found himself flustered for the words but Gerard allowed him the time to find them.

“I knew it was a serious thing but I could see you didn’t wanna talk about it… so I guess I didn’t really think about it…” Frank paused. “What I’m trying to say is that, I should have thought more about your feelings, how those type of things affect a person. And I know you wouldn’t want me to think about that, but it’s important. I have so much fun with you that I didn’t give myself time to process what you said. So when you… had the, uh… panic attack, I froze. I’ve been really selfish, really, really fucking selfish. This whole thing has been such a journey for me, and I feel like I’ve made it all about myself, I didn’t stop to think that you’re on your own journey too. You’ve been there for me in all my bullshit, and I let you down the first chance I got. I’m so fucking sorry” Frank didn’t know if he’d made sense, but seeing Gerard’s understanding, teary eyes staring back at him gave him some comfort.

“Frank… that’s…” Gerard coughed nervously, completely blindsided. “You’ve let me be so authenticity myself, and I don’t think I’ve ever had that. It’s been killing me to think that I haven’t been able to give you the same feeling” Frank finished. Gerard blinked and nodded slowly. He couldn’t say that he’d ever thought any of it, not at all. Something about it hit something inside him though, the fact that Frank felt him worthy of such thought, an apology, for a slight that Gerard was dumbly unaware of it. He felt his heart flutter a little as he thought on it.

Gerard supposed that he had hidden away from the other, but he hadn’t once considered that Frank would have blamed himself for it. Still, Frank had never spoken so candidly to him and he couldn’t help the way his soul swelled with it.

“It’s not your fault… I’m hardly an open book” Gerard sighed, his head sinking down, concealing a small smile. “But you told me… what happened. I had time to think about it, check in with you, and I didn’t…” the other was cut off. “Frank, stop… it’s not your fault. I didn’t tell you about the night terrors, how could I expect you to know how to react? I don’t blame you at all…” Gerard said. Frank leaned a little closer to him, his hand tentatively on Gerard’s knee. “You don’t?” he said lowly, looking at Gerard’s downturned face.

“No!” Gerard leaned up and they shared a longing glance, smiling again when he saw Frank’s puppy-dog eyes. “Then… why, why have you, uh… been avoiding me?” Frank went meek again, Gerard could see the pain in him; this was more of what Gerard was expecting.

“I was ashamed” Gerard didn’t see the need to hold back, Frank certainly wasn’t. “I’ve been in therapy a long time… meeting you was like, a whole new world. I want to be the best version of myself for you, and for me… I went through a lot of shit and I get really frustrated with myself that I’m still so… fucked up, mentally” Gerard could feel his heart in his throat.

“You’re not fucked up” Frank interjected pointedly, he almost sounded offended. “You have no idea…” Gerard feigned a laugh but Frank was having non of it. “No, you’re not. You’re funny and smart and kind, there’s nothing wrong with you” he couldn’t bare to hear Gerard downplay himself; he’d realised in his contemplation over the past week how often of an occurrence this was.

“You’re so sweet, Frank… but, I still have a lot of stuff to work through” Gerard mumbled. “I get that. But you’re not fucked up, okay? I don’t wanna hear you say it. I don’t want you to think it” Frank gave Gerard’s cheek a soft kiss, and the other seemed to relax a little.

“I just didn’t want you to see all that… I’m trying so hard to keep things on a level, enjoy myself without thinking too much. I’ve been angry that it all still comes bubbling up” he said. “You don’t have to keep it in though, Gee. I don’t want you to. I go on and on at you about all my bullshit, of course I want you to do same” Frank replied softly, watching at Gerard’s hand slowly crept up to his.

“I can’t, Frankie. And it’s nothing to do with you, or anything you make me feel. I have therapy multiple times a week, I’ve talked for hundreds of hours about my problems. I don’t want you in that world” Gerard knew he sounded evasive, and he could see that Frank looked disappointed.

“I’m not trying to close you out… you have to believe me. You’re like this… bright fucking sunshine in my life, the only real chance I have to be the real me. The version of me that isn’t traumatised, the person I was before, the person I’m s-supposed to be…” Gerard choked up a little and stopped himself before he cried. Frank’s expression soothed then, understanding finally what Gerard meant. He had never thought he was the one bringing Gerard out of his shell, he accepted the Gerard he’d always been presented with.

He thought back to the hints of Gerard’s nervousness he’d experienced earlier on, the panic he would still see flash in his eyes from time to time. Frank didn’t feel like he could have ever been this important to anyone, he still couldn’t fathom what made him so worthy. “So I couldn’t text you… I just couldn’t. I felt so guilty to have put you through it… I didn’t think you wanted to see me” Gerard sighed and wiped his eyes, getting back on track. “Baby, I texted you everyday… why would you think I didn’t wanna see you?” Frank laughed lightly, and Gerard smiled through his tears. “I thought you were just being nice, you’re too nice” Gerard grimaced, clearly embarrassed as the words tumbled out.

“Fucks sake, Gee” Frank sighed, still with a wide grin. “I thought you had broken up with me, I’ve been going crazy…” he said. Gerard squeezed the others hand tight. “No! Never! Oh my God…” Gerard stammered, the look of horror on his face was completely palpable. Frank kissed him again. Gerard put his head on Frank’s shoulder then, the nerves leaving him, the warmth of the other putting him at ease.

“Do you mind if… I ask, uh, what happened? You don’t have to tell me” Frank said after a long while, considering his words carefully as the time passed, his mind clouded with it. He felt Gerard seize below him. He sat up and looked over Frank with intrigue, anxiety. Gerard did not speak for a while, his eyes moving wildly; Frank was petrified that he’d said the wrong thing.

“I…” Gerard’s breath was staggered. “I can’t… I will. One day, I promise… it’s just. I was fourteen, he was… older, my parents didn’t know. It went on a few years…” he rambled, knowing full well it was more of the same of what Frank already knew.

There was a small part of Gerard who, in that moment, felt something akin to bravery, he wanted to tell. But seeing the way Frank looked at him with such doting eyes, such love, he couldn’t fathom the idea that it all could change. It disabled him as it always did. “When it all came out, everything fell apart. I’ve always blamed myself” he said, unwilling to say more. “I’ve been in therapy since I was eighteen, you’re the first normal thing I’ve had in my life… I really love you” Gerard saw the smile that played on Frank’s lips, so he kissed him again.

“You were fourteen, Gee. It’s not your fault” Frank cooed, face still inches from Gerard’s, he spoke in barely a whisper. “It’s… I’m okay, yeah? I’m working through it?” Gerard murmured in response, it came out like a question, looking to Frank for an answer. This was it, the comfort Gerard looked to Frank for, it was the comfort he should have offered before. “You’re perfect” he whispered, kissing Gerard with his whole heart. “I love you, too” he sighed. Gerard seemed to melt against him, the pair sharing a truly heartfelt embrace, the weight of everything leaving them.

“I’m not trying to lie to you… you understand, don’t you?” Gerard spoke against him. Frank nodded. “I do, okay? I promise… you’ve got nothing to worry about. We’re fine” and he meant it; as melodramatic as it was, it seemed to be the exact thing Gerard needed to hear.

Chapter Text

“Are you alright?” Frank looked over at Gerard, sat in the passengers seat, staring out the window. He hadn’t said anything in some minutes, his face calm but his hands fumbling in his lap. Gerard’s head snapped towards Frank, who glanced between him and the road a few times while he waited for the other to speak.

“Yeah, sorry… nervous” he laughed, shaking out his arms, as if he’d become aware that he was fidgeting from pure anxiety. “We don’t have to do this, you know that? They’re all really excited to meet you, someday, but I haven’t told them you’re coming. No obligations” he eased, giving Gerard’s hand a quick squeeze before putting his back on the wheel. Gerard shook his head.

“No, I want to. I’ll be exactly the same if I leave it another month. I want to meet them” Gerard said quickly, a bit more confident than before. Frank smiled. “It’ll be fun. They’re not all bad, a bit… blokey, but very chill. Too chill even” Frank chuckled, Gerard beamed back at him.

The day had come, Gerard and Frank were on their way to Ray’s house to “meet the boys”. Ray was the only one who knew of Frank’s plan, hence why he’d offered to host, which they all knew he rarely did. Frank’s aim wasn’t to hide anything, he just wanted to give Gerard an out if he decided against it. He couldn’t help to delight a little when he imagined the other’s reactions as well.

Ray had suggested a pub to ease the pressure, but Frank had concluded that his friends were even more unbearable when they were drunk, and Gerard was likely to be quizzed to exhaustion as it was.

Mikey would not be there. Frank hadn’t spoken to him in three weeks, ever since the incident at the bar.

Frank knew the others were still hanging out with him, it was inevitable, but at long last they had all clued onto the obvious animosity between the two, and despite appearances, they largely took Frank’s side when it came to the bar. Bert recalled to Frank how he’d felt when he’d split from his ex, the mother of his child, a woman who to this day was the only one who Bert would not speak ill of.

They’d gone on serval jollies in the aftermath to cheer the guy up and Bert had told Frank had he couldn’t have fathomed Mikey doing something like that to him, he said he would have punched him. Frank believed it, especially when Bert had referred to Mikey as a “self righteous pick-me”. Punctuated with comedy as always, it was still one of the more sincere conversations he’d had with Bert, and the others followed suit, as best they could.

Mikey hadn’t reached out and Frank was glad of it. He was still angry, and Mikey would have had to come up with something pretty spectacular to make things right. Frank knew at some point they’d talk, they couldn’t exist like this in the same friendship group forever, but for now, he was happy as anything to blank him for a few more weeks.

Pete told him that Mikey had been asking about him, and that it seemed to come from a genuine place. Frank appreciated that he might feel a little bit bad, the bare minimum, and rightfully so; at least he wasn’t a complete monster. Frank told everyone they could tell him what ever they wanted, he was doing well, he had nothing to hide.

They pulled up to Ray’s apartment and Frank buzzed into the car park with his visitor card, the black metal gates in front of them opening slowly. “Bloody hell…” Gerard said, ducking his head from under the visor and looking around with intrigue. “Oh, yeah, Ray’s loaded. Fuckin’ insane, isn’t it?” Frank laughed, watching Gerard look around manically like he’d never seen anything like it. He probably hadn’t, Frank supposed.

One thing that Gerard had found the courage to speak on to Frank in the days that followed their reunion was the lack of people in his life. He confided in the other how stunting his years of treatment had been, how he felt like he’d lost a lot of time in his teen years. It had come out fairly randomly, though Frank suspected it had manifested at the mention of meeting Frank’s friends.

Frank didn’t judge him, of course, more honoured than anything that Gerard was finally content enough to share these things. It was dropped as soon as Gerard indicated he was done with the topic, but Frank made a mental note to kept wary on it, even if Gerard wouldn’t have wanted him to.

Frank kept glancing over at the other while he parked the car. Gerard looked bewildered, Frank couldn’t help but smile to himself; they were only in car park, he couldn’t imagine Gerard’s face when they got inside.

He knew Gerard was introverted, but hearing him talk about his past put it in a better context. Maybe Gerard wasn’t an introvert, just sheltered, Frank was curious to find out.

“You ready?” Frank said, watching Gerard finally settle back into his seat. “I think so” he replied quietly, looking into his lap. Frank smiled. “They’re fine. You’ll do fine. They’re a bit loud, bit… rude, but they’re good guys. You’ll get on with Ray” Frank fully envisioned a situation where Gerard would be scooped off by the other at some point, away from the rabble, and that it would probably be for the best. Then again, Bert had his moments. Frank had no idea really how this would go, he ruminated on it, but at least with Mikey out of the picture it wouldn’t come to blows. “Ray sounds nice” Gerard mumbled. “He is nice. Too nice. Don’t know why he bothers with us lot” Frank laughed.

“You’re nice” Gerard responded wistfully. Frank rolled his eyes. “Eh, I’m nice to you. Come on” he said, getting out of the car. Gerard followed him closely as they walked through the lobby, earning the same stares Frank was perfectly used to. “If you want to go, just tell me that we’ll be late for our dinner reservation, we’ll bounce” Frank said calmly while they stood in the lift. “We don’t have a dinner reservation?” Gerard frowned. Frank shook his head. “No but there’s a Chinese take out in it for you” Frank winked. “I’m sure I’ll be fine” Gerard giggled, leaning on Frank and gripping his hand. “I’m excited, actually” he said.

“Yeah?” Frank mused. “I think so… it’s just new for me. But it’ll be nice to let my hair down, shut my brain off for a bit” Gerard replied. “They are gonna quiz the shit outta you, just be ready for that. They don’t need serious answers” Frank chuckled. Gerard grinned.

“I’ll just tell them that I’m your gay nerd boyfriend who made you gay, and they I did it very gayly” he said without missing a beat. Frank burst into hysterics just as the lift reached Ray’s floor; he was glad no one was stood there.

“Fucks sake, Gerard. Sure. Lead with that” he laughed, rubbing his eyes. “I might” Gerard beamed. Even months in, Frank still cracked up whenever Gerard’s humour showed itself. They had such deep, intimate conversations for the most part that he was repeatedly blindsided whenever Gerard really got to show himself. It was easy to forget in the haze of how intense it could be that at the end of it, Gerard was funny, sweet, completely left field. Frank loved it so much.

Gerard looked decidedly paler when they finally got to the door, and took to jumping a little of the spot as if he were entering some sporting event. It was, Frank supposed. “All good?” he asked. Gerard smiled. “All good” he said. Frank barely got a second knock in before Ray flew open the door, taking them both by surprise.

“Hey guys!” Ray smiled so broadly that it must have hurt, he looked giddy, like he was getting just as much enjoyment from his and Frank’s little secret as the other was. Frank suspected even more so, judging from the look on his face. “Nice to see you again, Gee” Ray drawled, still grinning, as if he was candidly remembering the circumstances in which they’d first met.

“Hello, Ray” Gerard replied with a cocky self confidence Frank didn’t know he had in him. Ray lifted an eyebrow, impressed. “Come in, come in! Beers in the fridge and I’ve even got some wine out” Ray beckoned them both while keeping a close eye on Frank. Frank scoffed at him. “Look at you, fucking hosting” he joked while the other brought him into a hug.

Ray laughed. “Good to see you man, you okay?” he mumbled into Frank’s shoulder, warmth basking from it. “I’m okay, man. Really good”. They separated to see Gerard stood a few feet away, looking around Ray’s apartment. “This is mental” Gerard found himself saying aloud. Embarrassed as he was, Ray swung an arm around him, following his line of sight. “Cheers, man. Frank tells me you have more of an eclectic style… I wouldn’t know where to start!” he said cheerfully. Frank knew he could count on Ray for this. “I guess, I’m a nerd and I guess I don’t know when to stop” Gerard laughed.

Frank caught his eye with a smirk. “Gay nerd?” he replied, watching Gerard’s cheeks darken. “Absolutely” Gerard scowled but bit back with confidence. Ray looked between them and shrugged, walking towards his balcony, indicating for the two to follow him. “Ready to meet the gang?” Ray called over his shoulder. “As ever” Gerard replied, looking over at Frank who took his hand as they walked.

“Oh boys!” Ray called out as he got outside. “Who’s ready to meet Gerard?” his voice was a sing-song; still giddy as hell. As if a pin had dropped, everyone’s focus went immediately to the sliding door, where Frank and Gerard stood side by side. There was a moment of silence.

“Uh… hey” Gerard said, as confidently as he could, giving a little wave. Frank couldn’t help but smile at it. It was painfully awkward, but he’d have wanted him no other way. “Woah, shit. Um, hi!” Bert was the first to speak, standing up from the chair arm he was perched on. Everyone else looked totally dumbfounded but there wasn’t a hint of animosity. Both Gerard and Frank relaxed a little, they could feel it in the grasp between their hands.

“This is, um, Gerard… thanks Ray for that stellar introduction” Frank said, walking them towards the patio furniture where everyone was in various states of recline. “Hello, everyone” Gerard still sounded painfully shy, but Frank was grateful he was able to speak through the stunned silence. Bert bombed towards them, shaking Gerard’s hand enthusiastically. Gerard reciprocated with a nervous laugh.

“Hello, Mr Gerard! I’m Bert” he said, toothy grin as always. “Hey Bert” Gerard smiled. Ray patted him on the shoulder. “This is Pete, and this is Pat” he pointed to the other’s respectively. “Hello!” Pat called out, waving chaotically. Frank couldn’t believe that in all of the weekends that Pat had chosen to make an appearance, that this was the one. He supposed he was glad to get it all out of the way.

Pete was suddenly stood right next to Bert while he introduced himself. Gerard went along with all of it much better than Frank expected. He knew the other could handle it, that wasn’t the issue, but he was impressed how Gerard was managing to seamlessly match their energy, even if he’d look over at Frank in disbelief every now again. Frank would just wink at him.

They got situated amongst everyone with their drinks and for a while, Gerard wasn’t the main topic of conversation. It worked well, and gave Gerard time to acclimate to everyone, contributing where he could. When the questions did come, they were light, careful, much better than Frank had expected.

Months before, he’d have expected something like “why are you gay?” from the likes of Bert, but rather, they tentatively asked about his work, where he lived, his interests. Frank almost felt like his pep talk had been in vain.

“So, what was it about our Frankie boy that lured you in?” Pete piped up. It wasn’t totally out of pocket, they were all fairly buzzed by that point, and Gerard, with his hand on Frank’s thigh, somehow had found the confidence to answer. “Well… he was staring at me, at the bar” Gerard jeered, earning a mock offended look from the other. “I was not!” Frank protested.

“Yes you were, anyway…” Gerard replied quickly, patting Frank’s knee as if to say “there, there”; Frank scoffed. “So I was gonna go see what the deal was… but the fucker vanished!” Gerard joked. “You went for a piss!” the two were feeding off of eachother perfectly and the rest of the group looked on in a combination of endearment and amusement.

“Yes, yes, fine…” Gerard huffed. “He went to leave and I chased him down” he said dramatically. Bert laughed. “You linebacked the fucker!” he jeered. “I wish! No, I was bricking it. When I finally got up to him, I was like, oh my god, this guy is so hot. So I gave him my number. Then, I… ran away? I dunno, he’s been obsessed with me since” Gerard laughed through his retelling and Frank yet again was completely shocked how candid he was being, without a hint of embarrassment, as if he’d known these guys for years.

Everyone laughed along with him and Frank was left stunned by how accepting they were all being. He’d felt a small twist of anxiety when Gerard referred to him as “hot”, as if that would have been a line too far, but no one even reacted. He felt this sense of calm wash over him, grateful that his friends could grow up when the time called for it.

“Oh, Frankie! You’re loosing your edge! Frank’s always the one to make the first move!” Pete laughed. “Well, what can I say, he had me tongue tied” Frank meant it as a joke but it came out so syrupy that Bert fake gagged in response; and so he should have, Frank thought.

“Alright! Enough with the romantic shit! How good are you at beer-pong, Gerard?” Ray interjected. Gerard shrugged but was non the less guided by the group to set up, Frank watching on in amusement. “He seems really nice” Bert whispered into his ear. Frank hummed. “He is” he replied. Bert brought him in to a hug from the side, something which he rarely did.

“I’m happy for you, man. Really. Sorry if… we ever made you feel like… you couldn’t tell us” it was simple and not the most eloquently put, but Frank appreciated it all the same. “Thanks, dude” Frank mumbled back with a smile, the pair only breaking apart when called to the table by Ray, who was now definitely the drunkest out of everyone.

“Gerard just smoked my ass, so I need to prove myself, Frankie!” he slurred. Frank had never seen Ray red-wine drunk, he was enjoying it all too much.

The evening wore on and Frank finally had to excuse them due to the lateness of the hour. Beer-pong had been abandoned and now everyone was crammed under the patio heater, but Frank could see Gerard’s social battery start to wain, and they shared an almost simultaneous nod before making their excuses. “Really good to meet you, Gerard” Pat said, the others peppering in various approximations of the same.

“Same to you guys, see you again” Gerard did another one of his awkward little waves as the pair left the apartment; Ray had fallen asleep drunk on the outdoor couch about an hour before. Frank could only grin as they stood back in the lift.

“What?” Gerard asked, a little tipsy, compared to a very sober Frank. “Nothing” he giggled. “What?” Gerard repeated, shuffling over so he was facing the other.

“It’s just… you. I love seeing you like this. Happy ‘n shit. Makes me happy” he babbled, but it was honest. Gerard looked away bashfully. “Your friends are really nice” he said, parroting his earlier self down to the shyness of the statement.

Frank picked up the other’s chin with his forefinger and kissed him gently. “I love you so much” he said firmly, butterflies still finding him whenever he said it. “Love you more” Gerard grinned.

Chapter Text

The last thing that Frank expected to see at his door at three o’clock on a random Thursday was Mikey, stood there, arms nervously cradling his waist as if he had not expected Frank to answer the door.

In all honesty, Frank might not have had he known who it was, but, it seemed, the stars had aligned and today was the day, for better or worse.

They stood quietly, observing each other, for what felt like an eternity. Frank crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the door frame, without saying a word, feeling that the onus was on Mikey to speak. Mikey picked his head up a few times but otherwise kept his eyes downcast. Frank humoured in his mind that this was probably the first time in a long time that Mikey had apologised for anything, his demeanour demonstrated as much.

Frank sighed, seeing this going nowhere. “So?” he huffed. Mikey looked at him again, eyes tired. “Can I come in?” he mumbled. Frank didn’t think he’d ever seen the other so humbled.

“Sure” Frank replied sharply, spinning on his heel and walking back into his flat without another word. He was a bit irked that Mikey had remembered the code to get in his lock box, he shouldn’t have been able to get into the building at all. It was of little matter compared with what was to come, Frank thought, so he let it slide for now. “Do you want a drink?” he said automatically, even though he was certainly not in the mood for pleasantries.

“No, I’m good” Mikey said quietly, shutting the door behind him and standing where he landed next to it, far away from Frank, as if he needed permission to move. Frank sighed again and slumped down on his sofa, Mikey following and perching on the edge of the opposing arm chair.

Frank looked at him acrimoniously and once more waited for him to speak. He refused to lead the way on this, he had nothing to say, nothing to ask, nothing to apologise for. He hadn’t expected the other to come bursting in teary eyed with flowers, but he had hoped he’d have more prepared than this. It frustrated him.

“Well?” Frank couldn’t bear it, he wanted this over as quickly as possible. He knew on some level he was being petulant, it must have been just as uncomfortable for Mikey. But the last few weeks had been a breeze, the happiest he’d felt in a long time, he’d spent more time with his friends, with Gerard, the group all together; he was on cloud nine. There was a part of him that missed Mikey immensely, but by that point it felt like a version of him that he’d struggle to get back. Frank knew they’d reconcile in some way, but if Mikey thought he could get the sympathy vote, he was sorely mistaken.

“I’m sorry” Mikey finally murmured, struggling to keep eye contact with the other, although Frank could see that this was his aim. “Mhm” Frank puffed, crossing his legs and folding his arms again, staring firm at the other, boring into him. “I shouldn’t have got her to talk to you, at the bar… I thought I was helping” it came out unsure, as if even Mikey couldn’t conceal the lie. Frank rolled his eyes.

“No, you didn’t. Don’t… don’t fuck with me, I’m not in the mood” he scoffed. Mikey shifted uncomfortably. “No… I guess…” he paused, glancing sideways out the window for a moment before looking down at the floor. “I just wanted stuff back to normal” he said. Frank furrowed his brow. “Jesus Christ. We’ll unpack that, but what did you think would happen at the bar? Really?” he ghosted over what Mikey had said, needing his own answers before what Frank was sure would have been a well rehearsed diatribe.

“I don’t know… I thought you were done with him. So I figured you’d just go along with it, you were drunk…” Mikey talked slowly as if he realised as he said it that it sounded bad. Frank could see him cringing. “Wow, fantastic” Frank replied sarcastically. “I know! I know that wasn’t right, I see that now. I really, honestly thought you’d go with it. I get that’s fucked up, but that’s how you’ve always been, right?” he replied meekly. Frank nodded slowly, there was an element of truth in it, but any clarity was clouded in an anger that would not subside. “Maybe a year ago, Mikes. But things change, I’ve changed” he said.

“You have” Mikey replied. It came out deadpan, pained even, it wasn’t bitter or sassy, as it once had been; he sounded sad. Frank took it in for a while, concluding that he had his answer, it would have to be enough.

“Define ‘stuff being back to normal’” he said calmly, leaning back and looking over Mikey carefully. “It didn’t used to be so… hard” the other spoke quietly, finding his words. “We all used to just go out, hang out… have fun. It was easy, we just had a laugh, but you got all… serious” he said, fidgeting, his uneasiness apparent. “I grew up, Mikey. We’re not nineteen anymore” Frank said softly, his inert urge to comfort peeking through, despite this efforts to suppress it. “I know that” Mikey replied, defeated.

“But how can you just do a total one-eighty and expect me to be alright with it? You were like a brother to me, we did everything together… then, around Christmas, you got all… deep, like everything was shit and nothing was working out, but nothing had changed. We were still here. I was still here” Frank could see that Mikey was trying to verbalise something that would hit him hard, and he surely was.

Frank wished the other had the breadth to speak more candidly, he could see in the others eyes that he was scrambling for a way to say it all, but the emotional weight could not come to Mikey. His voice cracked a little, like underneath it all he was begging Frank to come back to him. Frank’s anger finally softened.

“I’m still here, Mikey. But stuff was heavy for me, I wasn’t doing well…” Mikey cut him off haphazardly, not meaning to be rude, more overcome with feeling; at last. “But why? Nothing had happened” Mikey sounded like a confused child, unfeigned and wholehearted.

“I don’t know, Mikey! I hated my job, I had no one, I was so bored with myself that I felt like I was going mad”. Frank saw no harm in laying it all out as Mikey was trying to. “It was nothing to do with you, or any of you guys… I know you were there. But I felt like you didn’t see me” he said.

Mikey looked thoughtful, pacified, as if he’d never spoken to anyone like this. Frank figured that maybe he hadn’t, hell, the last time Frank had tried to speak to him seriously, he’d been met with such bravado that it may as well have been a play.

“I would have talked to you if you’d asked…” Mikey said passively, unconvincing even to himself, as if it was what he was supposed to say. “No, you wouldn’t have. You just said it yourself, you wanna party, have fun… you don’t wanna hear all that. And that’s… fine, but you can’t blame me for tapping out” Frank talked sternly, but sympathetically. “I would have tried” Mikey replied automatically. “But you didn’t” Frank said just as quickly. “Yeah…” the other breathed. “I just…” Mikey sucked his teeth, Frank waited patiently.

“I don’t like things changing. Everything was so… messed up when we were kids, moving around loads, dad leaving… I was never in the same school for long. I never had friends like I do with you guys. I used to be this introverted, weird kid.

When I met Pete, it was like everything got better, then I met you, Bert… we’ve been inseparable, you’re like my family. I don’t want this to change” it came out rapidly as Mikey stammered through it, Frank sat in complete awe that the guy was able to reveal so much. “You mean your brother?”.

It was the one pressing issue that Frank had never gotten an answer on; he felt like now was the time to try his luck. Mikey scoffed and shook his head. “Piece of shit. Tore everything apart to get his own way… he was an attention seeker, it wrecked all of us” he rambled, his voice wobbling a tad, the venom in it surprising to Frank, even though he’d seen the other angry before.

“Do you talk to him? About how you feel?” Frank offered. Mikey shook his head again, a bitter smile on his lips. “I haven’t seen him since… we were teenagers. It was years ago, we still lived up north. He left, everything collapsed” he quieted, Frank seeing that the topic had run its course. “So you’re scared of people leaving you?” Frank asked.

“No, I… when you say it like that…” Mikey laughed but it was from nerves, his knee bounced as if he was trying to focus on anything else. “I’m not a shrink, Mikes, I don’t need you to have some grand revelation, but for fucks sake, people change and they stick together, you had no right to talk to me like you did cause you had all that going through your head. You gaslit me into thinking I was a dick because you have a fear of being abandoned. I won’t comfort you, Mikey, I can’t” Frank knew he sounded unkind but he had stuff to get off his chest too.

“I don’t… you making me sound pathetic!” Mikey sounded frustrated but not angry, looking to Frank for something. “No, I’m not, people have issues, dude. It’s not pathetic to show a little vulnerability” Frank said softly, leaning towards the other. “Mm…” Mikey sighed, letting out a puff of air as if he felt lighter now. He looked tired, Frank thought, but more consolidated than he had when he arrived.

“I’m sorry for what I said, how I’ve been with you. I didn’t mean anything I said, not really. It wasn’t right. I guess it was like… if I pushed you away first, you couldn’t leave me yourself” he mumbled the last bit, the embarrassment of his introspection still palpable, though Frank was glad he was able to choke it out.

“Do you have a problem with me dating a guy?” Frank cut to the chase, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to get it out of his mind if he didn’t ask. Mikey shook his head immediately, his face contorting in remorse. “No. Not at all… I swear it. The others don’t either” he said quickly. “I know, they’ve met him” Frank replied stoically, a small part of him still eager to twist the knife a little, one more time to make his point before all was forgiven.

“Oh… right” Mikey shrugged. “I figured. But they didn’t say” he finally sank into the chair, visibly relaxed, more prepared to talk. He looked small, to Frank, something he’d never thought about the other. Mikey had always been larger than life, it’s was endeared Frank to him. But here, he looked like a kid, meek, unsure.

“I don’t care… I really don’t. I know I joke about it and shit… but it’s banter, right?” he cleared his throat. “No, it’s not. We’re twenty-six this year, Mikey, grow up” Frank snapped, lightly, keeping the other in check. “How would you like it if next time you get a girlfriend I make you feel like a freak, yeah? You’re my friend, dude. You said earlier than you’d want me to confide in you, but I couldn’t even tell you that, could I? Not everything has to be a joke” he finished. “But everything doesn’t have to be serious either! We can still have a laugh…” Mikey whined, semi serious, but also still searching for guidance, Frank could tell.

“You’re the one who made it serious” he pointed out. “Yeah…” Mikey mumbled, his fight lost, his eyes clouded the guilt of what had gone down, tired with it. “I wanna meet him… I need to get all this shit out of my head. Everyone says you seem happier, I feel like a dick for not being there” he said.

“You are a dick” Frank couldn’t help but laugh, and Mikey grinned back at him, like the barrier was finally down. “I know” he sighed. Frank smirked. “Do you want a beer?” he asked, content in Mikey’s apology, glad of it, wanting to move on. Some of it would hurt for a while yet, but Frank has happy to push through it. Mikey was his oldest friend.

“No, I’m okay, I have to go soon… I have work” he replied. Frank looked up at the clock, they’d been talking for over an hour. “Fair enough” Frank said, standing up as Mikey did. “You can meet him, soon, but for Gods sake man, think on some of what you’ve said. It’s not fucked up to do a little self improvement from time to time” he spoke with a smile, laughing to himself at the grimace on Mikey’s face that followed.

“Urgh, you’re so old” he mumbled. “Whatever, come to Bert’s tomorrow?” Frank put a hand on his shoulder when they reached the door. “Will, uh, Jared, be there?” the other asked. “Fuck no. Learn his name first, then we’ll talk” Frank smirked, rolling his eyes.

Mikey sighed. “Love you, man. I’m just… so sorry for everything. If I could take it all back… this has been so fucked. I’m sorry” he spoke with a little more found confidence, looking compliantly into Frank’s eyes; Frank could see that he meant it. “I know” he said. “Well, see you…” Mikey ducked out the flat, scurrying off as if he was worried he’d accidentally say something more heartfelt.

Frank was utterly stunned as he shut the door, he didn’t think Mikey was capable of any of that. But, God, was it a relief, Frank thought. The “spectacular” apology he had needed was fulfilled and then some, he was left in shock that he’d barely had to extract of it.

Ever the gossip, Frank grabbed his phone, calling up Ray as if it was the natural thing to do.

It rang out a fair few times, which was an indication to Frank that the group were unaware of this meeting. If Ray had known, he’d have been calling before Mikey had even left. “Hello?” Frank could hear that Ray was in the car, likely stuck in rush hour after work. “Hello, Raymond” Frank chirped, smiling to himself.

“What’s up? I need to call my boss in like, thirty seconds” he pressed. Not now you won’t, Frank humoured in his head. “Mikey just left” he quipped, imagining the look of shock on his friend’s face. “Oh my God, did you hit him? Tell me everything” Frank laughed at the reply. He wouldn’t go on to mention the deeper parts of what was said, but everything else was fair game. He felt good, unbothered, no longer angry. Things could finally get back to normal.

Chapter Text

“We used to drive up here when I was a kid, I wanted to show you” Frank said, smiling over at Gerard, who was struggling on the slick trail in his converse. Frank carried the rucksacks, while Gerard braced himself on the low hanging trees, so as not to stumble on the unearthed roots, the uneven path that seemed barely walked.

Frank had told him they were staying in the middle of nowhere, though he had still shown up ill prepared; his water proof didn’t even have a hood. But the promise of summer heat was near, it was pleasant out, and Frank had desperately wanted to bring him here.

He had this romantic vision of watching the sunset over the lake, but looking back at Gerard’s muddied knees, from his second fall no less, he knew he would have to try to foster the romance, between Gerard’s bouts of disgruntled laughter.

“Jesus, Frank… fuck!” Gerard cursed as his foot slid over another wet rock. “I told you to wear walking boots!” Frank called back to him, looking ahead, cabin in sight. “As if I own fucking walking boots!” he whined, grinning back through it.

Gerard had been more than intrigued when Frank had suggested this outing, more so when he’d explained what it meant to him. He could feel the fuzzy warmth and wave of nostalgia as Frank talked about it, it was endearing, and a window into a world that Gerard had not experienced.

Frank told him that his family fished there, had barbecues, spent summer holidays in the woods when they couldn’t afford anything grander. To Gerard, it sounded adorable, and he still thought it, even though he felt he hadn’t received ample warning about his remote it really was.

“There used to be more cabins, I think, back when we came here… I guess it’s not so popular anymore” Frank said, half to himself. To Gerard, it came out a little sad. The trail finally made way to a clearing. The lake was huge, glittering in the evening sun, it was complete serine, Gerard thought.

He didn’t know if he’d just been talked into seeing it Frank’s way, but it really was spectacular, in the simplest way. The trees hung low and were green with their spring leaves, they rustled quietly in the light breeze, the grassy banks rolled into the water, which was still and surprisingly clear.

There were three wooden cabins on its perimeter, each with their own decking, the edges teetering into the water. Gerard could see gaps where indeed, it might have been more built up at one time, but he was glad of the privacy. They seemed to be the only ones there, perhaps it was the earliness of the season, Gerard figured.

Gerard had only ever known the city, his childhood did not have the luxury of any type of holidays, even when he was a young child. It occurred to him that he’d never really travelled far at all, his mind got racing to what a foreign holiday with Frank might look like. He didn’t think on it long though, the lake was beautiful, and he stood in awe looking over the nature that surrounded him.

Frank noticed immediately that Gerard had gone quiet, and couldn’t help but see the small, unconscious smile on Gerard’s lips. “Cute, right?” he said, following Gerard’s eye line to a willow tree, to which he seemed transfixed. “Yeah” the other replied happily, looking back over at Frank, who grinned and took his hand. “Come on, let’s get these bags off me” he said.

Frank walked them to a lockbox, keys got easily, and let them into, what Gerard would have described, a shed. The inside however was twee as anything, plush and homely. Even Frank was impressed, remembering it being far less dynamic ten years prior. Thick blankets and throw cushions were plenty, it had a sort of Eastern European rustic feel, Gerard had never seen anything like it in person.

“I’m taking that” Gerard threw himself on the bed and grabbed an embroidered cushion, holding it above his head before hugging it to his chest. “Don’t you dare, my dad still comes here, he’ll kill me” Frank laughed, laying down next to him. “Do your parents know about me?” Gerard asked in earnest, though he realised how weighted it sounded.

Frank smiled. “Oh course! Told them a while back, they’re not phased by anything. They live abroad so I don’t see them much, but mums always nagging to see you whenever I FaceTime them” he chuckled. “They live abroad? I’m so sorry… like, I’m sorry I never asked. Why didn’t I ever ask that?” Gerard spoke with a laugh but it was littered with nerves.

“It’s fine! I haven’t seen them since we met. They won’t be back until my birthday, then we’ll have to do introductions or my mum will explode” he laughed, looking over at Gerard, whose smile was distinctly less so. “I guess cause… I don’t see my parents, I didn’t think to ask, I’m sorry” he repeated. Frank sat up and waved his hands for Gerard to stop, still smiling, taking Gerard’s hands in his when the other sat up beside him. “Baby, stop! I know that, okay? You’re fine” he kissed Gerard hard and stood up.

“Come on, let’s get set up outside before it gets too cold” he beckoned the other up who went willingly with a sorry smile.

Despite his progress, Gerard still found himself getting in his head at the most inopportune moments, then he’d ruminate on why it was even happening and it could spiral into an immediate mood killer. Frank always kept him in check, by now fully aware of the signs, but it was frustrating non the less. Gerard shook it off, made easier by the sight of the dusky sun on the lapping water. He watched as Frank pulled out a few of the blankets and laid them out on the decking, as well as some of the cushions.

“The fuck?” Gerard laughed when Frank offered him an ice cold beer out of seemingly no where. He took it, regardless.

“I’ve got a whole ass cool bag in my rucksack, Gerard. I brought dinner” the other man laughed at Gerard’s vacant expression. It hadn’t even occurred to Gerard, that of course, there was no restaurant here, not much of anything frankly, he’d been so preoccupied with not falling over en route that he hadn’t even considered it. “When did you do that? I’ve been with you all day” Gerard laughed. “I’ll never tell” Frank winked. He had kept every other aspect of the night a secret, Gerard thought, so this was hardly a stretch.

Still, he couldn’t help but marvel when Frank also produced a gas stove and a ready made stew. “Did you make that?” Gerard blurted, still pleasantly amused by all of it. “I did” Frank grinned; he never cooked, he had impressed even himself.

“But when?” Gerard grimaced, eye brow cocked. “I’m full of surprises” Frank kept illusive and Gerard folded his arms. They settled in a collective pile of blankets while they ate and drank. Frank miraculously brought a speaker too, so, music hummed quietly, overtaken by the gentle sounds of nature.

Murmurations overhead filled the nearly black sky with chittering, the wind picked up a touch and the movement of the water was louder. Given his experience, Gerard would have been the first to scoff at any kind of wellness talk, but he found himself hypnotised by the motions of it all. It felt dreamy, like he could stare at something as simple as the movement of a dragonfly for hours. He felt it physically, the tension in his muscles was less, his head lolled to the side and his eyes glazed over while he took it all in.

He knew that this wasn’t Frank’s intention, he’d been brought here to share in Frank’s childhood memories, to be let in. Gerard felt that too, but years of doctors telling him to “take a holiday in the country” suddenly made sense. He really never had left the city.

“Is there deer, here?” Gerard piped up in an opportune moment of quiet. Frank chuckled. “Not out here, in the woods, maybe” he said lightly. He’d felt Gerard relax against him while they sat there; he knew the feeling.

There was something other worldly about that solidarity of it all, although Frank was still surprised that no one else at all was staying tonight; the cabin had been a steal. Everything felt important and unimportant at the same time, it felt grand and romantic but their presence there simultaneously felt small, compared to the vastness around them.

It felt grounding in a way that was missed in the chaos of the city, and Frank was happy that he could share it with the other. Gerard always had an air of nerves about him, always, regardless of anything, but here he looked completely switched off, barely talking but content in it.

“We can go look, if you want?” Frank mumbled, kissing the top of Gerard’s head, which had landed comfortably on his shoulder. “Fuck no, I’m not going back out there” Gerard snapped, looking up at the other with a sulk. Frank laughed and leaned back, finally peeling himself off of Gerard, grabbing another beer from the cool bag. “You want one?” he asked.

Gerard nodded and held out a hand. Frank smirked and handed it over, stretching his legs in front of him and sloping back on his palm, holding his body weight while he stretched out his back.

“Do you like it here, then?” he said, watching Gerard drink his beer, now almost with his back to him, knees drawn to his chest, still watching the water intently. “It’s so nice. We should come back” he smiled, looking back at Frank with a smile. “For sure, we’ve got all the time in the world” Frank replied softly. Gerard giggled at that, turning back.

“You know what I wanna do?” he said. “Hm?” Frank mused. “I wanna put my feet in the water” the boy was still giggling, as if it was the most outrageous thing he could think of. The thought alone made Frank laugh. “Weirdo” he smirked. “It’ll be absolutely freezing” he pointed out. Gerard huffed.

“You don’t know that” he was already making work of his shoes and socks, beer placed carefully on the decking beside him. Frank could only watch with intrigue. He still found such joy in how excited Gerard could get by the small things; it was adorable.

Gerard shuffled over to the edge of the deck and rolled up his trouser legs; the cold air that hit him a clear indication that Frank was right, but he’d never tell. He lowered his feet slowly and the icy sensation almost made him jump back. “Fuck me!” Gerard squealed, hearing Frank laugh at him from over his shoulder. He persisted though, and got used to it quickly, the feeling of the water moving against him making it worth it.

“Cold?” Frank appeared beside him with his legs crossed. “Not even” Gerard pouted. Frank grinned but kept quiet, watching on as the sun finally started to set. “It’s so beautiful here” Gerard murmured, looking at the sky with Frank, his feet raking unconsciously in the water. “It is” the other replied.

It got dark quickly then, the woods around them illuminated only by the light of the moon. Again, Gerard was astonished by how absolutely pitch black it was compared to at home, he’d never seen anything like it.

The lake seemed to vibrate with the reflections of the backs of the insects there, it nearly glowed. To Gerard, it looked like a fantasy movie. It was so simple. “What are you thinking about?” Frank said softly, not taking his eyes off the water. “Nothing, really… it’s just so nice here. Sorry I complained so much” Gerard giggled. Frank scoffed.

“You did completely eat shit, sorry I didn’t catch you” he laughed. Gerard pouted again. “The second time you totally could have, but you were too busy laughing at me” he teased. “Ah, I’m not all bad” Frank smirked. “No, you’re not…” Gerard spoke it quietly, wistfully, looking over at the other. “You got your cigs?” he mumbled. Frank dug around in his coat pocket and handed the pack to Gerard, who lit two up, and they resumed looking over the lake.

“I feel so… I dunno, happy… like, calm” Gerard said after a while. “It feels good, with you… the past few weeks have been amazing. You seem… happier, too?” he looked over at Frank.

“It meant a lot for you meet everyone, it took a lot of the weight off. It annoyed me, I thought they’d be awful so I put it off. And then I felt like a dick for hiding you away, like I was embarrassed or some shit. Which I’m not, by the way” he replied, pausing to take a long, purposeful drag of his cigarette.

“It’s felt much easier knowing I don’t have to skirt around talking about you, or having to choose between seeing you or seeing them. It feels like everything’s come together” it was easy to talk like this to Gerard. Frank never felt judged, even if to his ears it sounded soppy. Gerard smiled. “That’s good” he said simply.

“How about you?” Frank responded carefully, sneaking an arm around Gerard’s waist. “I’m okay… really good, actually. I, uh… haven’t had a night terror in weeks… it’s been a long time since I’ve had that. I think meeting your friends… being around you a bit more, um… organically… like you said, it all feels really settled, doesn’t it?

I haven’t ever really had stability, you know, and whenever I have it’s cause I’ve hidden myself away. It’s nice that I can be my self and not be so scared… I dunno, I know I still get self conscious, but it’s better… I’m rambling now, sorry” Gerard struggled to get it out but Frank knew exactly what he meant, feeling no need to interrupt. “You’re fine. I get you” he spoke, getting a little closer to the other and sneaking a peck into his neck.

“Mhm” Gerard sighed, smirking when Frank kissed him again. “How about we go to bed?” he murmured suggestively into Gerard’s shoulder, the hand around the other’s waist giving a little squeeze.

“Nuh-uh, it’s fucking freezing, I’m about to cocoon in that bed” Gerard said it honestly with a laugh, without even thinking about it.

It wasn’t until he felt Frank’s hand drop from him that he got that horrid sinking feeling that he’d done something wrong. Made worse by the fact that Frank then stood up beside him, all contact lost now.

“Is that… it’s okay, I’m sorry” the sound of the water splashing as Gerard hurriedly stood up was loud in the quiet night, and only then did Frank turn back to look at him. He stared back quizzically, completely unaware of anything a miss; he’d only meant to get out of the way so that they could retire.

“Baby?” Frank spoke soft but firm, concern in his tone. “No, um… we can, sorry, I don’t mind” Gerard was disappearing into his head before Frank’s eyes; he felt so hopelessly sad seeing it. They were so honest and open with each other, but Frank needed to remember the things that set him off. He hoped above all else that one day Gerard would have the self assurance to do as he pleased without fear of punishment. Frank could see in his eyes that this was exactly what he was thinking.

“Honey, look at me” Frank grasped the other’s shoulders with both hands, looking directly into his face. “You can say no to sex” he cut right to the chase, bent on nipping this in the bud before Gerard could think a moment longer on it.

“You can always say no. I’m not mad at all, okay? I love you. Alright? Nothing bad is happening, I promise” he leaned in and kissed Gerard’s s forehead and his face softened instantly. “Okay” he repeated back to Frank. Frank smiled and drew him into a hug, tight, intentional.

“Sorry, I just… I guess…” Gerard backed up and laughed nervously. “I guess I’ve never turned you down, properly, before” he chuckled, now clearly embarrassed. He started to think about the fact that they only didn’t sleep together when one or the other was tired; his mind raced with all sorts of conclusions based on not a lot at all.

“You can be celibate for all I care, Gee. Come on, you need a back rub” Frank kept it light hearted and Gerard seemed to respond well, following him happily back into the cabin.

He flopped on the bed as soon as they were inside, leaving Frank to shut the door. “Urgh, I’m sorry” he said again, though his voice was less pained now. “Stop saying sorry, baby, you’re fine, okay?” Frank sat beside him and worked on getting his boots off. “I feel like an arsehole. I just told you that I’m okay, and I am, genuinely, but then I just… snap. I don’t get why you put up with it” he didn’t sound as panicked but he didn’t sound himself.

Frank swung his legs up on to the bed and took Gerard in his arms. It was a quick motion, instinctive, and Gerard couldn’t help but laugh lightly at its speed. “Gerard, I love you, you love me, yes?” Frank spoke; Gerard nodded against him. “Then we’re fine, aren’t we? You won’t always feel like this, I promise. I’m so proud of you” he murmured. Gerard let out a content sigh and chose not to argue.

They got dressed for bed in relative silence and only then did Gerard believe him. They shimmied into bed and Frank made sure he was tucked in, the other taking his usual position as the big spoon, and then, as promised, he felt Franks fingers trail softly over his back and shoulders, above his pyjamas.

Frank did not try anything, as he promised, and it was the first time that Gerard considered that this was a fear of his.

But there was Frank, respecting his wishes with zero push back what so ever. He got over it as quickly as it came, forever grateful that in Frank, he finally found someone who understood him.

Chapter Text

Gerard had never appeared more content in a therapy session before. The meeting was easy, open, more fluid and self assured than they’d had in a while. Gerard was an uninterrupted open book of pure dialogue, good and bad; it all came tumbling out as if it was the most natural thing in the world for Gerard, which it most certainly was not.

It was their quarterly three hour session, a mandatory annoyance of paper work and court mandated updates. It gave them plenty of time for small talk in between questionnaires. It was all bureaucracy to justify Gerard’s care. It wasn’t something either of them worried about anymore, but it was laborious all the same. Laborious would be an understatement.

“On a scale of one to ten, how much would you say the following sentence describes you; ‘I feel listless and am unable to concentrate on the things I want to do’?” Sarah said quickly in a bored monotone; they were nearly two hours in by that point. “Uh, two” Gerard said back with matched enthusiasm, a crooked smile, finding the humour in it.

He was currently laid back on the sofa, cushions around his neck, hands folded in his lap. Sarah however, was at her desk surrounded by stacks of legal documents. Sarah nodded curtly back at him and checked a box, turning a page.

“On a scale of… blah, blah… I am, what? Unable to concentrate on the things I need to do?” she did a double take then realised the wording, looking over at Gerard for his answer.

“What?” he frowned. “First one was ‘want’, this one says ‘need’” she clarified. Gerard rolled his eyes. “What’s the difference?” he laughed. “First one is can you go to the pub, second one is can you shower” she replied, a level of professionalism seeping back in ever so slightly, even though she was thoroughly bored with the whole thing.

“Uh, okay, um… 6?” he spoke honestly, shrugging as he did. “Really?” Sarah asked quizzically after checking the appropriate box. “Yeah, I guess, some times I don’t wanna cook… or I don’t wash my hair, nothing serious… but, I’m supposed to be honest, right?” he said cooly. Sarah nodded and leaned around the mess to her usual clip board, writing something down.

“What’s that for?” he asked. Sarah grinned. “That’s for later, when this is done” she smirked, going straight back to the welfare report. “Right… last one” she sighed.

“Last question?” Gerard said hopefully, though he knew he was being optimistic. “Afraid not, last pamphlet. This one’s only… 32 pages” she said, flicking through it as if to make a point. “Oh my god…” Gerard groaned, rubbing his face with his hands.

“Oh, you’ll love this one, Gerard. ‘Describe in a short sentence, your current relationship with your close family’” she said, red pen at the ready. “Jesus Christ, uh… non existent” he huffed.

The question came up, worded differently, every single time they did this, and the answer, of course, never changed. Sarah had argued with his social team that it was a moot point, and did more harm than good in the simple asking, but there it remained. Then again, more than half of the questions there were thoughtless at best.

“‘Please describe how that makes you feel. See answer to question 6a-1’” Sarah made Gerard laugh by reading the thing as it was written. “Can you remind me of the answer to question 6a-1?” he joked. “Oh, let me see…” she feigned looking back over the pages; Gerard giggled again. “Non existent” she looked up quizzically, brow furrowed, as if she was reminding them both. “Indifferent” he replied nonchalantly. “Sad?” Sarah followed. Gerard shrugged. “Sometimes” he said. Sarah nodded slowly and wrote it down.

This went on for another thirty minutes until, mercifully, they hit the last couple of pages. “‘Are you currently in a romantic relationship?’” Sarah asked with a wide grin. It was, after all, the first time in their sessions together that Gerard would be able to answer. He perked up, smiling back at her and swinging his legs over the edge of the sofa, sitting up straight and stretching out his back, knowing the questionnaire would soon be over.

“Yes” Gerard sang, humouring the situation. Therein was the main issue in the paperwork. It was required, Sarah had explained, that Gerard himself provided every answer on the spot, even if the point had been discussed explicitly between them before. Some areas were more obvious than others, such as this, and it would make the pair laugh, given that one of the first things Sarah had asked when they sat down on that day had been about Frank.

Regardless, the box was checked and Sarah went on. “‘What activities do you enjoy to do as a couple?’” she asked. There was an intrigue from her at that point, she wondered how Gerard would condense his answers to such dumbly worded questions.

“Uh… going out for drinks? Food… um, hanging out at each other’s houses. Talking. Fucking” he smirked when Sarah rolled her eyes. “Having sex” she corrected. “Are you actually going to write that down?” Gerard grimaced. “Why, yes, Gerard. I am” she beat him at his own game.

“‘What activities would you associate with being a couple that do you not enjoy? For example: leaving the house, public affection, sleeping together…’” Sarah read it slowly, the wording awkward as it ever was. Gerard thought for a moment, not wanting to completely write it off. “I get anxious when he comes to my house. Some times I’m worried around his friends” he spoke honestly.

“Why do you get anxious about being at yours?” Sarah followed up, half for the survey, half for herself. “I dunno… I’m still funny about the place getting dirty, stuff getting moved around… I try to ignore it when he’s there but it’s always on my mind. Then when he leaves I can get a little panicky about it” he mumbled. “I didn’t realise you were still struggling with that, Gerard, you haven’t mentioned it in a while” she said, although it came out like a question to spur on the other.

“I guess it doesn’t bother me usually, no one else comes over so I can keep the flat how I need it. The cleaning isn’t as bad as it used to be but it really bothers me if stuff gets moved” he replied.

Sarah nodded. “Why do you think that is?” she asked. Gerard shrugged. “It’s my place, isn’t it? I feel in control there. I’ve had to… let go of a lot of control recently, havent I? I suppose it’s the last hurdle” he mouthed, all the while Sarah was continuously pleased with his current open-book-ness. “Sounds reasonable” she replied.

“Why do you feel uncomfortable around Frank’s friends?” she pressed on, making mental notes for their next session.

She could talk Gerard through his OCD for hours, it had been a major point when they first met, but she was aware of the passage of time and the fact they were both desperate to get this paper work finished. “It’s not discomfort… they’re really, really nice. Funny, lively compared to Frank. I just know they mean a lot to Frank and I’m just worried they won’t like me. You know I think no one likes me” he laughed a little and Sarah smiled, scribbling as was customary.

“Indeed” she said as she wrote. By the end of the hour they had finished the task, with thirty minutes to spare. Sarah filed the papers away into a large envelope with an exaggerated sigh of relief, Gerard did much the same. She hadn’t seen the surface of her desk nor the floor by her feet for nearly three hours, she felt like they were coming out of a school exam.

“I swear to God, it feels longer every time we do it” Gerard huffed, watching over Sarah as she finished up. “You don’t say” she looked over the pages one more time. “I think it actually does. The more you answer, the more they add. It’s like we’re being punished for making progress” she joked.

Gerard huffed and went for his, now stone cold, cup of coffee. “How are you feeling?” Sarah asked after she’d cleared up, looking over at the clock and wanting to make the most of their remaining twenty minutes. “I’m okay, yeah, good” Gerard mumbled around his drink, though it came across genuinely.

“Good” Sarah replied, crossing her legs and resting her clipboard on her knee; her usual stance. “Couple of bits before I release you…” she joked, Gerard smirked back. “Are you having issues maintaining at home?” she asked.

“Some times I feel… uncomfortable at home. I think cause it’s so easy to be at Frank’s… I dunno, I feel like I’m even more precious about keeping my place right than I have been in a while. I haven’t been home all that much so I guess I never really thought on it…” he replied honestly. Sarah nodded.

“What is it specifically? Stuff getting moved?” she continued. Gerard pondered for a moment before nodding slowly. “Yeah… yeah, I think. That’s it! Like the cooking thing, it’s more like I don’t wanna mess up the kitchen, or I don’t wanna mess up the shower by using it” he said automatically, as if he’d never thought of it himself. “A revelation!” Sarah beamed; Gerard laughed.

“Didn’t you say that the key table near your door jutted out? You bang your knee on it?” she said precisely, as if a random impulse. Gerard frowned. “Yeah?” he puzzled.

“I want you to move it out of the way, maybe even get rid of it” she replied. Gerard couldn’t believe the cold rush that came over him.

He had lived comfortably in his OCD for so long that he couldn’t remember the feeling, but there it was. He could pretend it wasn’t an issue in the way he lived now, but it would always present itself. He hadn’t showered at his own place for weeks, he suddenly realised. Gerard let out a breath that shook, and again, it surprised him.

“But it’s… I use it” he stammered. Sarah smiled sympathetically and Gerard tried to relax with her. “Six months ago, you told that it annoyed you so much that you put your keys on the kitchen counter, you told me it wobbles” she said carefully. “I keep my crystals on there” he butted in, the exasperation in his voice was unintentional. He frowned at his own words.

“Put them on your TV stand, you told me your Buddha is in there” Sarah was still soft as ever, and Gerard finally relented how ridiculous he sounded. “Jesus… I didn’t think it was… this bad, still…” he murmured. “Gerard, it’s okay. I can only apologise for not addressing it with you sooner, we came a long way before Christmas” she soothed.

“It’s my place, where I can control it, right?” Gerard didn’t know what point he was trying to make. “That may be, but it’s distressing you now, isn’t it? You can’t cook incase you can’t tidy up the way you’d like. That’s not control” she pointed out. Gerard sat thoughtfully for a minute. It would be nice to host more, he figured, maybe he had let this spiral a little too long.

“You’ve made so much progress on so many things this year, don’t let yourself get down hearted! It’s just a little bump and we’ll solve it like we always do, yes?” Sarah reassured. Gerard smiled lopsidedly and nodded. He agreed, but action would be harder than words.

“Right! Your homework! This week. Firstly, I want you to take a shower when you get back tonight. Let yourself spend the time on it, move things around, put them back, clean it afterwards if you really need to. But you’ll see, it’ll feel exactly the same afterwards, you don’t need to panic” she said with a smile; Gerard nodded at that, he could do that.

“And then…” she trailed her words and Gerard knew what was coming. “Nope” he laughed, but he knew he would. “Get rid of that table. Move a shelf around, maybe. Get your space moving a little, if there’s one thing we’ve learned this year, it is that change is good, yes?” she spoke.

Gerard knew she was right. He nodded. “I hear you, I’ll try” he said. “Think about it, nice clean place, having Frank over to show it off, yeah?” she replied. Gerard couldn’t help but grin at that, that was all he wanted. “Right. It’s five o’clock, I’m going home, I suggest you do the same” Sarah laughed, standing up. “Oh thank God” Gerard huffed, still smiling.

They walked to the car park together and Sarah waved Gerard off as he ran for his bus. Frank was working late that night and so Gerard was left to his own devices; he knew he had to take that shower at the least or he’d never hear the end of it.

He was glad they spoke on it, he felt calmer arriving home than he had done it a while. His keys were chucked on the kitchen counter as they always were and Gerard couldn’t help but look at that table, the sinking feeling that accompanied it was a sobering reminder of the stuff he’d let slide in leu of getting to grips with having Frank in his life.

He felt emboldened from his therapy however and he was adamant he was going to tackle it. Things were going too well to slip up now. Standing in the shower, he was shocked to find the stillness that overtook him. He stared begrudgingly at the spotless chrome taps, the perfectly aligned soaps, the bleached grout.

He raised his arm, his finger tips on the tap. “Fucking hell…” he grumbled. Gerard did not envision it being so hard, he’d almost convinced himself on his bus ride that he’d over played it, that he was just comfier at Frank’s. He remembered then that he’d cleaned the whole thing with a tooth brush, even the base of the bath.

“Fuck this” Gerard switched on the water and turned his back to the taps. If he could leave it a day untouched, that would be a small win. He laughed at himself when he considered that by comparison, Frank’s bathroom was a nightmare. The temperature gauge didn’t even work from the limescale build up; Gerard chuckled under the water. Soap spilled into the tub and Gerard left it as it was. A knot twisted in him but he knew he had to see it through; he couldn’t believe it had gotten this bad again.

He stepped out and left the room quickly without a backward glance, knowing the change he’d created would spur him back in if he looked.

‘that was really hard, wtf’ he punched into his phone, seeing Sarah online. ‘we’re talking about this next week. don’t bloody hide stuff from me Gerard!’ it sounded scolding but Gerard knew the humour in her tone. ‘I didn’t even think about itttt urghhhh anyway imma go throw that console table out the window’ he giggled to himself. ‘pics or it didn’t happen’. Gerard smiled and put his phone down.

He knew he could call her always, but he didn’t want to eat into any more of her day that he had. He slumped down on the sofa and turned on the TV, settling on some video essay he was sure he’d watched a million times.

Gerard found himself glancing around his perfectly curated flat, abruptly feeling the rigidity of the fact that nothing had changed in it for years. But he had changed, and he wondered if his eclectic style was something more akin to hoarding.

It wasn’t that bad, he knew it, but there was something unnatural and still about how it all sat; Gerard came to realise that it did not look lived in. He stood quickly. He was going to rip this flat to shreds and invite Frank over to celebrate.

Chapter Text

“I never realised it was that bad, baby, you should have told me… I didn’t even think” Frank was sat in Gerard’s, now completely and unabashedly, rearranged flat, having walked in completely amazed by the change. He’d never thought to mention Gerard’s perfectly manicured space, as to him it was a point of pride, stunned always by how well it was kept.

Gerard keeping on top of tidying while they used it had struck him a little odd but again, he’d been inclined to be impressed more than anything, given what grot he was capable of living in.

The other had carefully explained to him then that it was indeed a problem, an ease for a terrible discomfort, not mere tidiness. Gerard told him just as he did Sarah, that his flat felt like the last part of his life in need of control and that he’d realised, quite suddenly, the need to change it.

It looked good, was the first thing Frank had said, seeing that Gerard was giddy to show it off, though his smile soon dropped when he was told the reason.

He kept his spirits high though, as Gerard seemed more than happy now he’d been through the process, but Frank just wished he hadn’t had to go through any of it at all. “It’s fine! It’s not something I thought about for a while… which was the problem… I guess? Urgh… I’m so awkward” Gerard dimmed a little, fidgeting a touch and standing with less confidence. “You’re not! I’m glad you told me. Just tell me how I can help, you know…” Frank clicked his tongue as if he was trying to come up with a solution on the spot; failing, it seemed.

“Sarah said it would help if you came here more. Like… if I let go a little. Maybe your friends could come over? Maybe. One day” Gerard rushed as if he regretted it as he said it, Frank laughed.

“There’s trying to help with your OCD, then there’s not giving a fuck about anything you own. Those guys are monsters” Frank joked, Gerard grinned. “Maybe it would be good for me” he murmured. Frank gave a lob sided smile. “You’re okay though, yeah? With me here now? With this?” he gestured to the moved furniture. “Yeah, really, I am. It feels better in here, doesn’t it? More open?” Gerard paced around the space that now existed in the living room.

A book shelf was gone, as was an arm chair. Both dusty things that only existed to box Gerard in. Things of sentimental value were left, artful things, aesthetic things; but the random clutter that Gerard hoarded was gone. It had been an interesting week, and Gerard didn’t think that it would have taken him so much time.

He came to realise that what he thought was decor was indeed itself mess, and he felt clearer headed with it gone. He couldn’t believe the change in him. Everything still had its place, naturally, and Gerard was still overcoming his fear of dirtying the bathroom and kitchen, but it was a good start, and revealing all to Frank made it feel better still.

“I dunno, I kinda liked your greasy man-cave” Frank joked, coming up to Gerard and putting his hands to the others waist, snapping him out of whatever he was agonising over. “Don’t you start” Gerard scoffed, pushing him back lightly with the same smile. “Beer?” he asked, pacing into the kitchen.

He noted the twinge in him when he saw his unwashed plate from lunch still in the sink, remembering that Sarah had told him to do it. He was still surprised at the feeling, he couldn’t believe its severity and how long he’d managed to ignore it, safe but ignorant in Frank’s arms.

“Always” Frank beamed, following him closely. Gerard opened two bottles and let the caps fall on the counter; again, a measured exercise that bothered him less and less as the days wore on. As he turned, he nearly shouldered the other.

“Personal space!” he giggled, handing Frank his drink. “I missed you! How long has it been since I haven’t seen you in a week? Gee…” he drawled, slumping over Gerard in an embrace, purposefully letting his body weight bear down. “Oooft! Frank!” Gerard tired to brace him but slipped back, now pinned facing Frank against the counter. “Well, it appears you’re incapacitated” he smirked into the shell of Gerard’s ear, planting a kiss where his neck met his collarbone.

“Frank… it’s only like, four-pm…” Gerard rasped. He didn’t know what he meant by it, and he couldn’t help but laugh at himself at how dumbly it came out. As if having sex when the sun was up was some kind of outlandish thing.

Frank huffed and went back to Gerard’s neck, kissing him slowly and paying attention to every wanton movement the other made. Gerard didn’t know what he was expecting from their evening, but, he supposed, it had been a week; and Frank was forever a dog with a bone. “I pre-ordered… pizza, it’ll, uh… be here in like… an hour” Gerard giggled as Frank closed in on him even further, a hand on the small of his back slipping up into his shirt.

“Well, we had better hurry up” Frank leaned back, eyes dark, a mischievous smirk that made Gerard’s skin melt. “Fucks sake, Frank…” he murmured, weak as always, unable to ignore the growing hardness between his legs. Frank held out a hand, ushering them into the bedroom; gentlemanly, almost, Gerard thought. He took it and Frank guided him.

It came off soft, courteous, slower than they usually took things and Gerard could only figure that it was because of the depth of the conversation they’d just had. He always marvelled at Frank’s ability to be gentle when the time called for it, even if it went unsaid.

They settled on the bed in the same serene manner, capturing each other’s mouths and exploring each other’s clothed bodies as if they’d never done this before. It was sweet, and Gerard appreciated this approach as much as any other; Frank always kept things fresh and surprising.

As much fun as it was when it was quick and rushed and desperate, Gerard couldn’t ignore the flutter of butterflies that came over him at times like this. Frank seemed to operate on admiration, taking in every aspect of the other as if he were made of precious china, his hands reaching everywhere as if he were sculpting. Gerard felt wholly valued above all else and he didn’t realise how much he needed that until he was in the throws of Frank’s gratitude.

Gerard went to climb over the other, his button up shirt now hanging loose from his shoulders. “Ah, ah. Let me…” Frank put a warm hand to his bare chest and settled on the other’s lap, pushing down carefully so that Gerard laid on his back below him. Gerard mindlessly let it happen, his head falling into the pillows as if by design; he couldn’t help but smile.

“You’re so beautiful” Frank whispered to him, kissing his neck again and moving down his chest. The butterflies came again, interrupted only by the unmistakable shift of his jeans when Frank unbuckled his belt. “Frankie…” Gerard could only hum, knowing any action on his part would be rejected. “Let me take care of you…” Frank’s voice was blissed but dripped with intention.

Gerard nodded to himself as Frank worked further down, only pausing to whip off his own shirt as if he’d forgotten to do it. Gerard would always stare, to him, Frank was a work of art, tattoos or not.

“That’s new…” Gerard drawled, running a finger over the rose that had appeared just below the other’s collarbone. It was still slightly raised, shiny, about five days into healing. “Do you like it?” Frank said, still cocky, neck craned to the side, his long hair falling over his shoulder. “It’s cute” Gerard replied with a grin. “Cute?” Frank scoffed, rolling his eyes. He dove back down to Gerard’s abdomen before the other could muster a reply.

“Mmm…” Gerard squeaked, the soft skin on his belly always being embarrassingly sensitive. Frank kissed him there until he’d worked off the skin tight jeans, Gerard’s boxers shifting with them to reveal the dips of his hip bones and the curve of his backside. Frank bit the bone as if in instinct and Gerard hissed.

“Love your fucking hips…” Frank practically moaned when Gerard shifted below him. “Frank… please” he huffed. As much as he was enjoying the chase, and he thoroughly was, he too was a dog with a bone. Frank grinned and pulled down Gerard’s underwear, taking him in his mouth without so much as quick stroke to warn him. “Fuck!” Gerard gasped, so loud it made Frank giggle.

Frank worked on him until the other practically begged him to stop, the fist in Frank’s dragging his head up into an all-teeth, no holding back, kiss. Frank smiled into it and made work of the rest of his clothes while Gerard was otherwise distracted. Once fully undressed, he sat back, Gerard’s raw lips and sweat drenched hair a perfect picture.

“If you don’t fuck me right now, I’m gonna die” Gerard sounded so bratty that Frank would have laughed if it wasn’t doing absolutely everything for him. “Mm… who’s impatient now?” Frank leaned in when he said it, revelling in the way Gerard shuddered. Gerard didn’t reply, rather, he made a sort of strangled noise and bucked his hips.

Frank got to work quickly after that, purposefully not reminding Gerard that they were supposedly on a time crunch. It amused Frank to no end how quickly this detail had been disregarded when it came to it, part of him wanted the doorbell to ring so he could see Gerard be his nervous, dorky self. But the other, far more present part, wanted to fuck his boyfriend until they passed out.

After some prep, Frank pushed into the other, Gerard’s legs pinned back so his knees almost met his shoulders.

The perfect picture.

Frank let out a guttural moan, head thrown back, while Gerard mewled, face red, adjusting to it. “Fuck… you feel so good” Frank spewed, his hands grasping onto Gerard’s thighs.

Gerard remained pliable and over sensitive, his arms twisted up around his chest, his nails at his lips, all the while staring back at Frank with wanting eyes. Frank smiled down at his creation proudly, thrusting into him slowly, feeling the grip of it, the tense that came with their weeks long hiatus. “Mm… ah” Gerard’s voice caught in his throat when Frank dragged over his sweet spot, the tension subsiding, his body relaxing into it.

Frank went quick then, watching in awe as he always did when Gerard’s body moved up and down the bed, light as a feather, completely at Frank’s whim. They’d usually swap positions at this point, a break to delay orgasm, an opportunity for Gerard to throw his weight around a little. But they did not, as if they couldn’t bear to be parted.

“Ah, fuck… please, please…” Gerard jabbered, struggling to keep form, his legs shaking wildly and his fingers locked in his own hair. Frank drove into him hard, the snap of his hips pushing Gerard up and down so vigorously that he nearly lost all contact. Frank would not have that.

He let go of Gerard’s thighs and pinned his hips to the bed, using them at his leisure while Gerard did nothing but take it; his cock angry and red against his belly. Frank delighted in the wet sounds of his hips smashing into Gerard, and the way Gerard accepted it so wantonly as if it was the only thing in the world.

Frank could feel his peak grow nearer and he jerked Gerard off as he did. He didn’t know if it was wholly necessary, as Gerard turned completely paralytic with it, crying out and cumming almost immediately. Frank knew he would have been told to stop if they weren’t both so painfully desperate.

“Mm…” Gerard’s voice was weak from sheer overwhelm. Frank thought for a split second what it might look like to cum on Gerard’s face, but the mere idea brought him to his end, and he came hard inside the other, finger tips marking the bony hips. “Fuck! F-fuck…” he bawled out, the strength in his arms finally failing him as he went limp over the other.

The room was hot; in the summer heat they stuck to each other. Frank could feel the sweat on his brow. Gerard sighed contently, smiling to himself and letting his head lol to the side.

He’d have usually wrapped his arms around the other, but it really was warm, and in their post bliss clarity, they felt it all at once. Frank would have stayed put longer if his skin didn’t feel like it was on fire.

He begrudgingly rolled off the other, his whole body humming. He looked over to see Gerard with that same smile, eyes closed, lost in the moment. “You okay, angel?” Frank reached a hand over to push some of Gerard’s hair from his face, and Gerard leaned back into his palm. “Mm-hm” he mumbled, his eyes still closed.

“What time is it?” Gerard croaked in barely a whisper. “Uh, five to five” Frank grinned. “Mm… put some clothes on… the uh, pizza guy… will be here” Gerard punctuated with loud yawns, still did not open his eyes and made no attempt to move. Frank feigned shock. “I thought you forgot” he laughed. “Mm-nuh, I did not” Gerard lazily brought an arm up and tapped the tip of Frank’s nose as he talked. Frank scoffed.

“What if I wanna cuddle?” he mocked. Gerard opened his eyes then, if only slightly, doing his best puppy-dog expression all the while looking thoroughly debauched. “Got you a vegan doner-kebab pizza with jalapeños” he mouthed. “That does sound good” Frank chuckled.

As if on cue, a loud banging irrupted from the front door. Frank looked in its direction and then back at Gerard; he’d closed his eyes again. “Mother fucker” Frank scolded, shooting up and throwing on his joggers. Gerard smiled again and rolled into his front, his backside pink with scratches and wet with the evidence of their deed. Frank nearly choked, his face immediately flushed.

“You’ll be the death of me, Gerard” he rushed, dashing from the bedroom when the second knock came. He came off as curt to the driver, taking the food quickly with a barely mentioned thanks. He placed the pizzas on the counter then stood in the bedroom door, looking down at Gerard with folded arms as the other slowly crawled up.

“What?” Gerard murmured, looking sweet as anything balled up in the sheets. “You. Being all hot and shit” Frank laughed, turning on his heel and leaving the other to compose himself. Frank couldn’t help but laugh inwardly.

Either Gerard was a master gaslighter or he genuinely didn’t realise that his actions would lure any man right back to his bed. Either sat perfectly fine by Frank, who watched with complete endearment as Gerard shuffled from the bedroom, oversized tee hanging from a shoulder, boxer shorts barely visible. “You good?” Frank giggled, coming up quick and grabbing Gerard by the waist.

“Let’s not leave it a week again. I feel like my soul has left my body” Gerard replied, grinning back at Frank, now recovered it seemed. “That’s the Frank Iero special” Frank replied with the corniest thing he could think of, desperate to have the upper hand once more. “That’s foul. Never say that again in your life” Gerard shoved him away jokingly and swerved him for the kitchen.

Frank watched with a small smile while Gerard plated up their food. He found something intriguing whenever they acted domestic and homely together, watching Gerard as he was so to speak. Everything about him was adorable in Frank’s eyes, even the simple act of kindness in sorting out their meal for the night.

Frank was so head over heels, as if everything Gerard did deserved a prize. “Love you” he said happily, Gerard glancing over at him curiously as if he hadn’t noticed he was being watched. “Aw. I love you too” he grinned.

Chapter Text

Frank had put off what he so eloquently called ‘The Mikey Situation’ for too long, and that day, he decided, this would change.

It was his birthday after all, a party was planned, and he no longer felt the need to segregate the two. Gerard had met his other friends tonnes of times by that point, and Mikey knew all he needed to know about the other to make it as pleasant a meeting as they could. It would be awkward at first, Frank had no doubt; the reason for their not meeting was hardly a secret. But he felt confident now that worst case, Gerard could filter in with everyone else if it was needed.

Gerard had suggested a date night, followed by a party that he wouldn’t be invited to, trying as always not to be the burden he perceived himself to be. On hearing that, Frank resolved to just get the thing over with; it was ludicrous. He wasn’t having two birthday parties because Mikey was a prat, he had told Gerard without missing a beat.

Everyone, Mikey included, agreed. It appeared by that point that Mikey was starting to get sour about not being clued into the situation, which, on some level, Frank was glad of. One more little punishment for the weeks of animosity he’d received, even if it was completely incidental and passive at best.

Frank was done though, happy that all was as it should be, finally prepared to piece together all aspects of his life. Gerard had met his parents the week before; everything was as it should have been.

It was a Friday, but Frank had managed to talk his way into a half day. The theatre was dealing with some minor preparations for the yearly pantomime, but when it came to Frank’s role, he was merely waiting for the rehearsals to start so he could do his thing. As far as he could tell, most everyone has been stuck in fittings all week.

The host of newbie extras for the chorus blocked the corridors while they waited for their measurements to be taken, all for the towns people of Oliver. Honestly, Frank preferred their usually more avant-garde offerings, but when it came to butts-in-seats, this type of thing could fund them for a year. Then they could ‘get back on their bullshit’, as the owner had put it.

The party would be at Frank’s, and Gerard spent the day taking full advantage of his spare key.

He went a little overboard compared to what Frank had asked for, but he couldn’t resist a flurry of Halloween decorations, nor could he resist a cake - which he had been expressly forbidden to buy. Frank seemed to think that procuring something dairy-free was some kind of massive feat, however, Gerard had preordered the pumpkin shaped atrocity three weeks prior.

He’d been out and bought more alcohol, storing what wouldn’t fit in the fridge in the cool box. He’d even seen a spider web shaped bowl in the window of a charity shop on his wanderings, and decided then that they also had to have candy.

“Fucks sake, Gerard” Frank sounded over his shoulder, the front door being kicked shut as the man stood there in pure awe.

“I told you…” Frank started, his rucksack hitting the floor. “And I didn’t listen” Gerard beamed, walking cheerfully towards the other, sort of side stepping as if to show off his handy work. “This is too much” Frank groaned, although the admiration was clear in his voice. “It’s your birthday! And I’ve never had, or thrown anyone, a party. So suck it up” Gerard teased, his hands neatly behind his back while he teetered on the heels on his boots.

Frank grinned and shook his head, pulling Gerard into a tight hug. “Remind me why I gave you my spare keys” he chuckled. Gerard wriggled free, pouting back at the other. “Cause I’m cute?” he mumbled.

“That’s the one” Frank laughed. “Seriously, this is amazing… you didn’t have to, at all. I hope you didn’t spend too much…” he began to nosey around as he talked, Gerard keeping a close eye on him; on standby for any questions. “We’re not gonna eat a bowl of candy!” Frank blurted out after some minutes, turning back to the other who still looked as happy with himself as anything.

“I might” Gerard shrugged. “It’s vegan” he added. Frank scoffed, noticing the Halloween themed container and pointedly rolling his eyes in Gerard’s direction. “It’s all perfect” he said after a few more minutes of investigation, his voice sentimental and airy, like the gesture alone had gotten him somewhere in his chest. No one had ever thrown him a party either.

Gerard smiled again, nuzzling up to him where he stood, the pair standing in quiet serenity if only for a moment. “I guess I had better shower, what time is it?” Frank yawned, grabbing at Gerard’s waist when the other went to step aside to let him stretch. “Nearly six, Ray will be here dead on seven and you know it” he smiled. Frank huffed. “Don’t I know it” he grumbled, making way for the bathroom, leaving Gerard alone to change.

Frank didn’t know what to expect from the night, he pondered as he stood under the hot water.

He knew at least that Bert had gone a bit ham with his “plus one” card, and he only had to hand two names of the likely ten or more girls the other had invited. Frank didn’t mind, it would be fun, but Bert had a habit of doing this when they weren’t going to a club, as if any night without the possibility of a hook up was one wasted.

Frank didn’t know what he expected to achieve; he certainly wasn’t going to be sleeping there if that was his plan. Ray hadn’t been so brazen, as was to be expected, thankfully, but Frank had heard here-say from Pete that Pat was coming with some guys he’d met at university.

Frank could almost laugh at the degrees of separation between these people who’d be happily wandering around his house and the people he actually knew. He was never precious about these things, although he had warned Gerard in advance. It had basically become a night out at a bar but in Frank’s, not bar sized, flat.

He was still excited though, and given that Mikey wouldn’t be coming until a touch later than the rest, he could relax knowing that by the time he showed, Gerard might be too drunk to be offended by him.

He stepped out of the shower and dressed quickly. Another up side of not going out, he thought, no restrictive dress shirt or skin-tight tee, boot cut jeans and vans were the name of the game on that night, given that he’d be spending most of it on his sofa. And he only wore the shoes to be polite.

Frank walked out to see Gerard curled up in the arm chair with a beer, opposite, a more than keen, Ray. It wasn’t even half past six yet. Gerard glanced up at Frank while Ray’s back was to him, offering a smile and an expression akin to an eye roll, though not quite as obvious for Ray’s sake.

“Toro, for fucks sake” Frank scoffed, throwing his wet towel onto the back of his friend’s neck. “Ew! Frank!” Ray caught it as it hit him and threw it back at the other, Frank pacing around them to put it in the laundry basket.

“Party starts at seven. No one else will be here until eight. You are insufferable” he joked. Ray stood and brought him into a hug anyway, which was reciprocated, albeit not before Frank dragged his dripping wet hair purposefully down the side of Ray’s face. “Refreshing” Ray groaned as he wiped his cheek dry with the back of his sleeve. “Truth be told, I finished work early and hadn’t planned on going home first. So here I am” he said.

“So you don’t wanna be here?” Frank faked offence. “No, not really. I’m getting another beer” Ray beamed while he talked and patted Frank’s shoulder as he passed him. Gerard had watched the whole exchange with pure amusement. “Happy birthday, dude” Ray murmured as he walked past, placing an envelope in Frank’s hand. “Thanks, man” Frank smiled; if he knew Ray, which he did, it was bound to be a wedge of cash.

He winked over at Gerard whilst he helped Ray get his bearings in the kitchen. The three made friendly for another hour before other people started arriving. As predicted, a fair few unfamiliar faces had knocked gingerly at Frank’s door, to the point where Frank couldn’t even be sure who was invited and who wasn’t anymore.

He didn’t mind, everyone seemed jovial but courteous. Even after some time had passed and the drinks were flowing thick and fast, Frank’s house remained intact. He couldn’t help but sit back and marvel at it all.

It felt calmer, he felt calmer, the mood was bright, the sinister pretence he was used to carrying seemed to be gone. He wondered if he’d really changed that much, that he could enjoy this again, or if the others had changed too. The deafening bass of the speakers didn’t get under his skin as it once did. Despite the mania of it, Frank felt genuinely happy.

Bringing him from his thoughts, Frank felt Gerard’s hand snake around his waist, pulling him nearer. “Hey, babe! This is Bethany! I’ve been going on about you so she wanted to say hi!” Gerard was absolutely steaming drunk, Frank wasn’t sure if he’d ever seen the other so afflicted.

“Uh, hey” Frank smiled but wasn’t nearly as drunk as everyone else, he felt obligated lest his flat get completely trashed. “Oh, Gee! He is gorgeous! Why are gay guys always so hot!” she was also completely hammered, throwing her arms over the other without invitation. “Who are…?” Frank laughed but he was cut off.

“I came with Stefanie, silly!” she sang. Frank did not know who Stefanie was either. “Oh, this is my song!” she bellowed out quite suddenly, skipping over to a group of girls who were beckoning her forwards from the other side of the room. “Gorgeous, eh?” Frank turned to Gerard with a lopsided smile. “Um, yes!” Gerard giggled and kissed him hard, taking Frank by surprise.

“No getting horny until everyone’s left” Frank said into the other’s ear, grinning when he heard Gerard scoff. “Urgh, no fun” Gerard pouted. “I think you need to slow down” Frank said softly, kissing Gerard’s cheek as he said it. “Hmm… you’re probably right. The girl had me doing shots” the other mumbled back slowly. “Bethany?” Frank interjected. “Who?” Gerard frowned. Frank couldn’t help but laugh. “Let’s get you some water” he offered, taking Gerard’s hand gently as he did.

“Uh… I’m gonna puke” Gerard replied flatly. Frank looked back at the other to see that indeed, the colour had completely drained from his face quite suddenly. Frank squeezed Gerard’s hand tight and bombed them both to the bathroom, which by sheer luck was unoccupied.

Frank sat on the floor next to Gerard, where, in between throwing up his guts, he waxed lyrical about what a good party it was and how much he loved Frank. It was pitiful and sweet all at once.

“Bethany says I’m her new gay best friend” Gerard came out with. Frank rolled his eyes. “What happened to the old one?” Frank thought that was quite a good retort, completely lost on Gerard who shot him a quizzical look before vomiting again.

After about half an hour, Gerard slumped onto the floor next to Frank, feeling sorry for himself and seemingly much more sober.

Chapter Text

They sat quietly while Gerard composed himself, Frank wondered if he might fall asleep. While he sat, Gerard now with his head on Frank’s chest, breathing softly, Frank’s phone buzzed in his pocket; it was a text from Mikey. “sorry, got fucked over at work, is everyone still there?” it read. Frank punched out a reply and he wondered if Gerard had even seen him do it. “all good man, here whenever u can make it xxx” he said.

Gerard shimmied up and stretched out his arms. “I think I’m sober now” he huffed. Frank laughed. “You think?” he jeered. Gerard smiled and sighed. “Why was I doing shots with a group of twenty year old girls?” he frowned. “Fuck if I know, Gee, you’re a mysterious guy” Frank joked. “At least now you might actually remember meeting Mikey”.

“Shit! Is he here?” Gerard jumped up. “Nah, on his way” Frank stood beside him and watched on as the other washed his face and tweaked his hair. “On his… but it’s like midnight?” Gerard laughed. “What can I say, the guys an asshole” Frank retorted.

“Be nice! I have to make a good first impression and I won’t do that if you get me wound up” Gerard replied. Frank cocked his head. “What do you mean?” he asked amusedly. Gerard sighed. “He really upset you, Frank. Which means he really upset me. I’m gonna have to try really hard not to say that, so play nice” Gerard had never verbalised this to Frank at all and he was a little taken aback, curious even.

“You gonna defend my honour?” Frank teased. “Something like that” Gerard caught on to Frank’s expression, smiling back, in on the joke. “You gonna punch him for me?” Frank drawled. “Maybe” Gerard shook his head with a wide grin when Frank burst out laughing.

“Is it bad that I find that really hot?” he leaned into Gerard. “Yes” Gerard scoffed back, pushing the other back and going to leave the bathroom.

The room was far emptier than it had been when they’d retreated, Frank wondered how much time had really passed. Bert was gone, it seemed, as well as every single girl who’d crashed. Frank assumed they were all in a group and it appeared that Bert was off still trying his luck with any of them.

Ray, Pat and Pete were lounging on the sofas, along with two men who Frank assumed were these aforementioned friends of Pat’s; though by that point they could have been anyone. “There’s the birthday boy!” Pete blared out, toasting his drink.

“Where have you been!” Ray jeered. “Puking” Gerard said with an exaggerated grimace. “Lovely!” Pat scoffed. “Unfortunately, because we’re the best company, we gotta bounce, our train leaves in twenty” he gestured to the men beside him, one of whom nodded and the other sort of lolled his head, eyes rolling, completely smashed. “Nice to uh, meet you… where the fuck has the time gone!” Frank laughed. “Honestly, we thought you guys were boning in there so we left you to it” Pete said.

The small group said their goodbyes quickly and dashed off; Frank hoped they wouldn’t miss their train because they were waiting for him. “And then there were two” Ray said, grinning back at Pete. “When the fuck is his lordship getting here?” he asked. By then, all four were on coffee, the night winding down nicely.

“Dude text me like half hour ago saying he was on his way” Frank mumbled into his cup, trying to be diplomatic for everyone’s sake but unable to conceal that he was a little hurt by it. “I’m gonna fall asleep in a minute, I’m gonna have to go…” Pete also sounded a bit disappointed. Frank was desperate to point out that this was exactly like Mikey to do, but knew better in the current delicate paradigm than to say it. It was a passing thought anyway, not helped by the drink in him.

They talked until Pete couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer and Ray went along with him. Frank was in two minds to tell Mikey not to come, but he did want to see him, even if it was only an hour, and ‘The Mikey Situation’ with Gerard needed resolved asap, or Frank was sure they would all explode.

“I love you” Gerard called out to him while he was stood in the kitchen, eagerly washing up as many pint glasses as he could so that the morning wouldn’t be such a drag. “I love you too, babe” Frank beamed from the sofa, scrolling through his phone to kill time. “Good night?” Gerard asked. Frank smiled to himself. “The best” he said.

Frank crept up behind the other and rested his head on his shoulder; Gerard did not stop washing up but he couldn’t hide the look of endearment on his face. “You’re the best” Frank murmured. Gerard tutted. “Shut up” he scoffed. “Baby, I mean it. No one’s ever done anything like this for me before. You’re just so thoughtful. Everything has been perfect” it was so sweet that Gerard couldn’t help but feel a little giddy with it, he turned his head and placed a kiss on Frank’s cheek.

“Now we’ve just gotta have a cup of tea with Mikey and then I can smash your brains out” Frank continued, grinning when Gerard’s face turned a bright pink. “Frank!” he moaned, going right back to the pots.

Finally, a quiet knock at the door. Gerard stopped what he was doing and preened himself again while Frank went to answer it.

Frank could have laughed when he saw Mikey stood there, face swept like he’d run through a storm to get there, haphazardly wrapped gift in hand that was quite clearly a bottle of alcohol, his face the very picture of sorry. Frank didn’t even have it in him at that moment to be mad.

“Dude, I am so, so sorry” he huffed. It seemed that he really had legged it up there. “The computers crashed and then I left and then they went down again and the security cameras stopped working so I had to go back and… well I’m getting double time all week now so it ain’t all bad” the words came out in a breathy jumble and Frank didn’t doubt that it was all true, even though he was still feeling a little jaded.

“Did everyone go?” Mikey looked over Frank’s shoulder, his facial expression showing that he understood the magnitude of his fuck up.

“I’m afraid so. Come in, though! You’re just in time to tidy up!” Frank teased. Mikey laughed half heartedly, the guilt palpable. “I really am sorry” he said again, Frank couldn’t help but be a little impressed that he felt it so deeply; the other really had come out of his shell since their talk.

They rounded the corner and Frank found the kitchen empty. He frowned although Mikey did not see it, figuring that maybe Gerard was still feeling under the weather. “Is Jared still here?” Mikey asked. Frank would have called it intentional if Mikey didn’t sound so earnest.

“Gerard’s just in the bathroom” he said in assumption, down playing it so as not to embarrass Gerard if he was indeed puking again. “Shit! Sorry… urgh, it’s been… a day” Mikey rambled. Frank smiled and shook his head. “Don’t sweat it. Tea? Beer?” he asked.

“Just a tea if that’s okay… I can’t stay long” Mikey seemed to cringe inwardly as he said it, as if he knew that he still sounded like a flake. “Dude, it’s fine! We’re not long for bed to be honest…” Frank replied warmly.

“How was your day? How was the party?” Mikey seemed desperate to elevate an awkward situation that simply wasn’t there; Frank hoped he would snap out of it by the time Gerard emerged, it just wasn’t a good look. “Amazing. Although Bert managed to wrangle like twenty extra people so it got a bit much” Frank laughed.

Mikey finally laughed too, sitting down on the sofa when Frank did the same. They talked for a short while although Frank couldn’t help his eyes wandering continuously towards the bathroom door, wondering what on earth Gerard was doing.

It came to him all of a sudden that perhaps Gerard’s nerves had finally gotten the better of him and that he was having second thoughts. He’d come such a long way that it was easy to forget that this was wholly a possibility.

Frank let it ride for another five minutes before he excused himself and got up to gently try the door, getting the feeling from Mikey that he too had started to wonder. “Gee?” Frank said softly when he felt that the door was locked. Mikey stared in the direction of the door but didn’t make an attempt to move so as not to over step; pretending that he wasn’t listening to Frank’s careful pleas.

“You okay, honey?” he talked again, leaning an ear to the door and shooting Mikey a puzzled expression, lighthearted, although inside he was genuinely quite worried. “Did he have too much to drink?” Mikey asked, standing up and joining Frank by the door.

Frank didn’t really want him there but it seemed to come from a place of concern on Mikey’s part. “Oh, yeah” Frank said jovially, although by that point Mikey could see the frantic look in his eyes. “Gee, open the door” Frank’s voice shook a little when his mind raced ahead of him, imagining Gerard passed out from drink or curled up in a ball having a panic attack.

Frank lamented that he didn’t see either coming. “I’m sorry, I’m sick” came a meek voice from the other side of the door. Frank knew it was a lie but was relieved to hear the other talk.

“Gerard?” Mikey blurted out.

Frank frowned.

The lightness in Mikey’s voice was gone, he sounded about as concerned as Frank felt, which was completely nonsensical. Mikey tried the door handle himself as if overtaken with panic, rattling it hard as if it would achieve anything.

“Hey…” Frank pulled his wrist away, alarmed by the sudden outburst and annoyed at he was trying to get involved at all. Mikey stared back at him, his expression was mean but otherwise unreadable. Frank was completely confused. Mikey looked like his blood was boiling.

“What’s got into you?” Frank hushed, not wanting to alert Gerard to how close Mikey now was to the door. “I got this” Frank’s didn’t know why he was having to tell his friend to back off, the situation suddenly felt very tense and Frank hadn’t the slightest clue why.

“I know it’s you! I know your voice! Open the fucking door!” Mikey was yelling and Frank would have lamped him if he wasn’t completely blindsided by confusion. “Dude! What the fuck!” Frank was still whispering as if he was still trying to protect Gerard’s privacy; a lost battle.

Mikey slammed a hand on the door again.

Frank put himself between him and the door, squaring up to Mikey, bewildered but still able to stand his ground. “Are you fucking drunk or something? If he doesn’t wanna meet you, it doesn’t matter! Jesus…” Frank snapped. Mikey scoffed and stepped back, although Frank could see that his eyes were brimmed with tears. “You had better tell me what the fuck is going on with you or you’re gonna have to leave” Frank spat, his harsh tone overridden with the lunacy of it all.

Mikey took another pace back and let out a noise that sounded like a laugh, but his face was completely pained.

“I can’t believe this. I can’t fucking believe this…” he rattled, quickly moving back towards the door before Frank could stop him. “You have to fucking ruin everything don’t you!” he yelled. Frank tried to grapple with him again but this time Mikey would not move.

“You told him how you ripped everything apart?! You told him how you and your fucking boyfriend ruined everyone’s lives?! Does he even know what you’ve done?!” Mikey wouldn’t stop. He was an unmoving bundle of rage that Frank was powerless to stop.

Before Frank could ask again, Mikey provided the answer.

“That’s my brother!” he bellowed. Frank was more than floored. There wasn’t a word to describe the out of body sheer magnitude of what he felt in that moment. It was like everything simultaneously came into place but crashed down all at once. All Frank wanted to do was get to Gerard. Mikey slammed his body into the door.

“What?! Your… Mikey, stop!” Frank tried again, unable to ask anything else in that moment. “Did he tell you?! Did he tell you how he broke my mums heart? Running off? Nearly sent dad into an early grave from the stress? Oh yes, now Gerard’s gone missing. No wait, he’s having a jolly with his pedo-boyfriend? When that didn’t work out? Let’s drag everyone to court and make it about Gerard fucking Way!”.

Frank couldn’t even begin to unpack what was being said to him. It was madness, it was pure hurt.

Frank couldn’t fathom what could have possibly gone down to make Mikey feel like this. “Mikey, stop! You’re not making sense!” was all Frank could offer. Mikey finally stepped aside, the tears had finally fallen. “You wanna know the truth?” he said, wiping the face roughly with his sleeve, breathing out hard as he did.

“When we were kids, it was all about him. Couldn’t have a day when Gerard wasn’t in some sort of crisis. On and on and on it went… fuck me, right? Fuck what ever anyone else in the family needed, yeah? Then one day he gets the bright idea to shack off with some guy he meets on the internet. Years and years and again, everyone’s pulling their hair out over fucking Gerard. Then he comes back, in a puff of smoke, and still… on and on it goes.

I know I sound bitter, I am. I know I sound like some stupid kid who didn’t get enough attention, and maybe I am. But you don’t get it, Frank. All of our lives were devoted to him, and for what? He comes back worse than when he left us, and then disappeared again as soon as it was over in court.

He’s a self centred, nasty person. He’ll leave you too when it gets tough”. Mikey finished and looked squarely at Frank, who still struggled to make any sense of it. “Court?” Frank couldn’t pick one singular part to ask about, he hadn’t a clue what to say. “Court? Where he told strangers that we abused him and he wanted to go back to David?” Mikey spat. Frank just blinked at him dumbly. “Oh my God! He hasn’t told you a thing, has he?!”.

It was at that moment that Gerard emerged from the bathroom.

Tear stained, he looked bludgeoned, small. He looked wildly between Frank and Mikey, looking almost as if he’d go for neither and bolt right then and there.

Rather, he settled on Mikey, a quiet regretful look that sat somewhere in between fear and love. Mikey on the other hand looked completely heartbroken, ready to fight. “Hello, Mikey” Gerard’s voice sounded wrecked from yelling even though he hadn’t made a sound.

“Did you know it was me? Are you trying to fucking ruin me or something?” Mikey skipped the pleasantries and got right back to it, not giving Gerard an inch. “I had no idea you knew Frank… I didn’t know you w-were here… I-“ he was cut off.

“And you haven’t told him a thing, have you? About who you are? What happened?” Mikey snapped. “I… I have, I’m going to, but… I just wanted to build a life for myself… m-move on…” Gerard had never sounded so inward, and Frank thought he’d already seen him at his worse.

“Tell him. Tell him everything. You don’t get to worm your way into my life all over again and do it in a lie. He loves you, and he doesn’t even know who you are” Mikey looked over at Frank who by that point made no effort to stop the tirade.

One part of him wanted to throw Mikey out, have his night with Gerard and give the other the time to speak on his past as he had been promised. But the other couldn’t ignore the devastation and pain in his oldest friend, it was overwhelming. His mind flared with what ifs and second guesses.

“Do you want to know?” Gerard said barely above a whisper, although Frank wasn’t sure he’d have understood the gravity of it even if it was yelled in his face.

When Frank did not immediately speak, Gerard cautiously got a little closer, threading a finger into Frank’s and focusing on nothing but him. Even Mikey throwing up his hands and scoffing in pure anger went unnoticed by Gerard. “Yes” Frank finally said.

Chapter Text

“I was fourteen when I started talking to David online. I was lonely, he fed into that, made me feel special, all the usual. Starting senior school was hard, I got through two in the end.

I’d spent the couple of years beforehand completely in my head, scared to grow up… it’s hard to describe, I was so young and it was as if I was dealing with some sort of existential question, I felt uncomfortable all the time.

Like it wasn’t me in my body, like I was floating around beside myself and watching on with this total numbness. It was melodramatic, I see that now, but it’s how I felt.

I tried to talk to my parents, but they chalked it up to my know-it-all-ism. I can’t blame them, I was a precocious child. They used to tell me how curious I was, how I used to constantly ask questions, never satisfied with a simple answer. But as I became a teenager, it wasn’t as endearing anymore. I annoyed them, I was completely dissatisfied with everything.

Everything I asked boiled down to some larger question about life, my dad called me pretentious, the conclusions I’d draw from the simplest ideas were always dark.

Mikey was so happy, carefree, and they could see that I was starting to influence him. We were pulled apart at home, I felt so utterly alone and it only made my existentialism worse. I thought they were stupid, I thought everyone was stupid. I can’t describe how bad I felt behind my smart-ass bravado, but I did.

At school, I was bullied, obviously. It started out because I was quiet, nerdy, overweight. I never said a word to anyone, scared I’d push them away like I had Mikey. I didn’t think I was a very good person to be around, as I’d been told in great detail. So I kept to myself but it was no good. People thought I was creepy, that I lingered, watched, sat alone as if I was plotting something.

I had no style, no personality on show, it seemed that people found it unnerving. It was a good school, everyone got along. I made myself a target in my quietness and it took me a long while to figure it out. By the time I did, it was too late, I’d single handedly ensured my fate for the next four years.

By then though, I didn’t care. I was smart, I told myself, smarter than everyone else.

I hadn’t been plotting against them in that first year but I certainly was by my second. I had vivid fantasies of getting my own way. Nothing grand, it was always the most mundane thing tou could imagine. Cracking a joke and making them laugh or saying something so clever that they’d gasp in adoration. It was ridiculous, looking back at it, of course it was. I was on a total head trip and I see now that it bled into my life at home too. I was cocky, insufferable, always the one in the room to correct someone’s grammar or criticise a discrepancy in a story. I’d be the one pointing at the TV screen and saying ‘it wouldn’t have happened like that’.

My mum was more sympathetic initially, begging me to try to make friends or join some school clubs. But it was too late, I was smarter than everyone. They didn’t deserve me. On the rare occasion I was spoken to, I’d be much the same as I was at home and it got me no where. Mum had told my dad once that I was clever for my age, cleverer than the other boys, and it was like a red rag to a bull; it’s as if I ran with that alone for the entire school year.

It’s embarrassing now. I know I was young, Sarah’s always encouraged me to be gentle to myself when I talk about it, but it was ludicrous. I thought I was some kind of supervillain. Mum signed me up for an art class, but I didn’t go. I can’t remember what excuse I gave her.

When I got beat up, I took it. I’d smile at them, try to be as off putting as I could, not give them the satisfaction of my pain. There was this one kid, Jake, I remember it so clearly. He had me by the collar, I went dead weight below him, staring up at him like I wanted it.

He punched me over and over again; my nose broke. I wouldn’t go down, I refused. They’d stopped by the time the teachers came to break it up, calling me a freak, recoiling at my joy. Obviously, it wasn’t joy. When mum came to pick me up, I balled in that car, inconsolable. I asked mum what was wrong with me, my two year social experiment a complete failure. I felt so alone.

We moved then.

Mikey was starting senior school and they wanted a change for me. I tried hard then to make friends. I did, a bit. I tried my best to be nicer, more interested in others, more approachable, but it was a front I was learning to be sincere about and I think people could tell. Not everyone, some people gave me the benefit of the doubt, but it was still hard.

I wasn’t alone at school as much, but I wouldn’t be invited anything, I was still too odd, too off putting, like this great lumbering thing who played nice so that he wouldn’t be alone. By that summer, just after my fourteenth birthday, my empathy was starting to stick, I at last started to feel more like a human and less like a character.

I felt hurt when I wasn’t invited to places, I genuinely wanted to know how people were, I wanted to help people. It was like my year of pretend suddenly made sense, my curiousness returned to me but now I had no one to share it with.

Mikey had carved himself out quite the name for himself, he was still carefree, popular, a bit of a boys boy. Achieved in part by his very public separation from his creepy older brother. I hated him for it at the time, any bullying I did get was often the result of this. But again, I can’t blame him now. It’s lord of the flies out there and I was a fucking mess. Kind words, kind words, that’s all I’ve heard from Sarah for years, but it ain’t the truth.

The few friends I had made spent their time at school hiding in classrooms, and I joined them. In the evenings, I’d sit on discord with them. I was terrible at video games so I’d usually just watch, speak up when I could. They wanted me there, it was fine, but that numbness would creep in, I was bored with it.

I wanted to spend my nights drawing and reading comics, but my parents were so happy that I’d finally made friends and after everything, I couldn’t bear the thought of letting them down again. So I sat there listening to my friends hurl slurs at each other while I pretended to laugh.

Come the end of summer, I drifted to other streams, other chat rooms, still logged on with my friends but otherwise occupied with more new acquaintances than I could count. I could almost pretend to be popular.

It was that summer too that I realised I was gay.

It didn’t hit me like a tonne of bricks or anything, it wasn’t earth shattering information for me. It crept it slow until it clicked. Weeks of listening to my friends talk about their romantic exploits, the odd girl who’d be added and then subsequently banned from chat, the drama that followed. I knew easily that I didn’t relate to any of it in one way or another.

I ended up on some message board that talked about the bands I liked and there was a girl who had a girlfriend, a non binary kid too. And, dully, it came to me that I was one of these people. I never told my friends, it didn’t matter. I told mum and dad to a fairly mute, passive reaction, and Mikey wouldn’t talk to me about it at all.

One day, David messaged me privately.

I was surprised, I remember blinking at the computer screen. No one ever did that. I lurked in the chats and only sometimes people would respond directly to my comments, often they didn’t, but that was fine too.

He was asking me how I was, saying that my chats always made him laugh, that I hadn’t spoken up in a while. It was a sliver of attention that I wasn’t used to getting. I mean, I should have, my parents had done everything they possibly could have in those years to make me feel seen, but somehow I didn’t. I guess I took their love for granted, their care as something I was entitled to. I didn’t realise back then that they’d gone above and beyond. So I clung to it, this strangers praise that was little above small talk.

The months after summer ended in September, leading right up to Christmas, my days were punctuated by counting down until the end of the school day, bounding home to see if David had messaged.

He always had, and as it went on, I’d often be greeted to a stream of consciousness throughout his day, ending always in asking how mine had gone. I’d talk with him for hours, I stopped joining my friend’s severs all together. I begged my parents for a phone so I could talk to him more, they wouldn’t allow it. I was venomous about it. Mikey called me a spoilt prick.

Obviously I didn’t tell them about David, I didn’t want the questions, I didn’t want to be outed at school. He was all for me, something that was mine and mine alone. Not a curtesy from my parents, not a friend who could barely stand me.

David told me he was seventeen, that he lived about two hours away with his parents, that he was just about to enroll in college. I ate up every word of it. I always supposed that he spoke to that side of me that I’d buried, the side of me that was big headed, told I was wise beyond my years, he fed into that.

He told me the same. I lived off of that praise, I lived for it. I neglected everything. I lost weight from skipping meals to talk with him, I stopped going to the classroom at lunch. I didn’t draw anymore, only when he asked to see my art would I produce something, its only function was to receive that praise, I bathed in it.

We flirted, but it felt sincere. It wasn’t like sexting, we just talked without filter. I was in love with him although we hadn’t said it to each other, not yet. My grades suffered, life at home was unbearable. My parents still didn’t know what was going on, all they knew was that I was locking myself away. We screamed at eachother about it, they threatened to call the parents of my friends, thinking that they were to blame for my delinquency. In the end, they did, and when it came to light that they were not the cause, things only got worse. I would literally barricade myself in my room with my dresser.

It was crazy, violent, my dad throwing his body into my door to get to me, my mum sobbing on the other side. I didn’t see the error in my actions at all back then, I hated that they couldn’t see I was finally happy. Obviously, in reality, I was wasting away.

After Christmas, I never went back to school.

I skipped to go to the library. By that point, me and David would video call each other all day, we’d even sit in silence sometimes, him doing his school work and me pretending to. I told him I was being home schooled now. A clear lie while I sat in my school uniform that he never mentioned; I thought I was so smart.

Naturally, it only took a few weeks before my truancy was uncovered. It was the one and only time that dad had hit me. We fought and fought and got no where. The morning after, with everyone out for the day, my antics now having me suspended for another week, I called David as usual, crying my heart out.

He told me he loved me then, saying he’d treat me better, that he wanted to hold me; kiss me. I told him the same. We talked all day, fantasising about the life we’d have. He was seventeen, it wasn’t illegal, he kept telling me; I was nearly fifteen.

I listened, he was all I had. Or at least, that’s how I felt at the time.

By the end of that day, we agreed he would come and get me. He told me his parents were on a cruise for a few months and that he’d been thinking about moving out for a while, we could get a flat sorted before they came back, tell everyone I was sixteen. I ate it up like I was starving, I wanted nothing else from the moment he said it. I didn’t think about my family, school, the fact that I’d be a missing person. We agreed that the following day, when everyone was out of the house again, he’d come get me.”

Chapter Text

“Seeing him in real life was trippy at first… like I didn’t think I ever would.

It was early in the morning. I stood outside the house with a couple of rucksacks and my art stuff in a carrier bag, I remember looking around and it being so still. Everyone was at school or work, there was barely a body in the street, no cars in the driveways. My heart pounded. I was excited but petrified, I hadn’t slept a wink.

I was scared by the change, but in the hours that had passed my fantasy of what we had grew and grew, it felt like I was being swept off into the sunset. He was a little late, only by minutes, but the dread that filled me at the notion of it made me feel sick. I remember feeling my face drain when I considered that it might have been a lie.

But it wasn’t, and David pulled around the corner in some beat up Ford, smiling broadly at me but looking nervous too. I grinned like a mad man, getting into his car without a backward glance. He stared at me for a moment.

He looked amused, like he hadn’t expected me to just up and get in, I remember I kept giggling. We hadn’t even said hello yet, I kept looking between him and the floor with that stupid smile, he just stared at me with this sort of content, sort of excited expression. “Hey” he finally said. I could have melted.

He sounded so cool, calm. I’d heard his voice before but hearing it in real life was… I dunno. It’s weird talking about it now.

“Hey” I was so nerdy and awkward but he seemed taken with it. “You okay?” he asked me and I remember nodding furiously. I was so awkward. He laughed at me. I was totally enamoured, I don’t really remember what we talked about. I laughed lots, I grinned until my cheeks hurt.

When we pulled up to his flat, got in, it felt empty, but it was modern, stylish, not like our house. I know now it was because he lived alone, the story he had told me about his parents was a complete lie; obviously. But I didn’t figure that out for some weeks, well, really, I didn’t figure it out at all; he told me in the end. Those first couple of months were like a dream for me.

We did everything together and it felt like I was his world. He cooked for me, we went out, we stayed at home drinking, we talked. It was the first time I felt really on a level with someone, I told him everything about myself and, at least I thought at the time, he was an open book too. We kissed. I felt so loved.

After a week, he told me he had to go back to work. On my own in the house I just drew, I felt inspired, relaxed, free to express myself in whatever edgy way my teenage self saw fit. He’d come home and pretend to drink it all in, easing me in further, making me feel smart and seen. My ego was so massive by the time he was done with me, I felt stronger, but really I was at his mercy, living off of his compliments, my only meaning in his approval.

I started cleaning when he was out, cooking too, to be greeted in the evening by rapturous applause and praise as if I was really achieving anything at all. I realise now why we didn’t watch TV, why I didn’t use my socials anymore. He bubbled me in a world of old movies and books, feeding into my ideas of grandeur.

Obviously he meant to isolate me, clearly, everyone was trying to get hold of me, police and all. We’d cozy up in the evenings, a perfect picture of domestic servitude; although at the time I felt like a princess. After a month or so, things heated up between us, physically, and, back then, I felt more than ready. It was at the time consensual.

Once that started that became the focus of our spare time, completely. I was transfixed with it, I craved it, I delighted in his never ending attention.

I was aware, albeit passively, that he had filmed some of these interactions.

It was infrequent, and he always made it out to be this naughty, private thing we could share in later. He told me I was beautiful, the way I moved, the sounds I made; I never saw any of those videos. But again, it wasn’t often and when it did happen, I very much ate up that camera, it never came off as sinister to me.

I was fifteen, I was stupid.

It fell apart slowly, too slow for me to catch on. If he’d hit me in the face on day one, I probably would have left. But then again, seeing his face when he picked me up, I don’t know if I would have, I probably would have apologised. Sex became a little more forced. Not unconsensual, but he pestered me for me it, my feelings on it became complex, I never rejected him, I didn’t know how, and I always melted into it when it became clear my weak fight was lost.

It wasn’t until he told me “sometimes it hurts, that’s okay”, camera waving in my face, as my eyes brimmed with tears from the pain, that I clocked on that something was amiss. I told him no then, for the first time. He’d paused, I remember, but he kissed my face all over and told me how good I was, how good I felt, and we did carry on.

I didn’t bring it up for a few days. I don’t know what I said, I’m sure I would have put it lightly, all our conversations felt easy back then, he’d encouraged me to tell him everything. He slapped me as soon as it came out of my mouth, my ears rang. It felt totally unexpected.

He acted all distressed then, saying that I was his boyfriend, that he wanted to make love to me, that I was rotten for making him feel guilty about such a thing. He cried and apologised for hitting me. I cried too and told him I loved him, that I didn’t mean it, that I didn’t understand. The painful times were more frequent then, put onto me with no regard at all, me too scared and confused by the status quo to question it again. The pleasure of it confused me.

The camera became more frequent then too, again, I did not question it, too busy basking in his supposed love to advocate for myself. The days blurred together by then, cooking, cleaning, movie, fucking. That was my life and by summer, I did start to wonder what more it had to offer.

I wanted to go out, show off, live this outgoing and proud life he had promised we’d have. I finally started to wonder about his parents, when they’d be back, about the flat he’d promised we were going to get, about me getting a job, helping out, building a real life and a relationship together.

I chalked it up in the first few months to me being underage. We talked about that, I wasn’t clueless to the legality of our situation. Summer was coming though, I was weeks away from sixteen. He’d be eighteen soon, getting a flat shouldn’t have been a problem.

I had not single thought in that time of the life I’d left behind. It’s odd to say now, unfathomable that I was so in his pocket that going home wasn’t something I even thought in passing.

I resented my family more than ever by then, poisoned with his promises and love, believing myself to be wholly independent and no longer in need of their distain. Or, rather, what I perceived as distain. I did not verbalise any of this to David, worried to rock the boat, to be denied his love.

Things at home were already bad by any definition. I was criticised at every turn, nothing I did in the house was good enough as it had once been. I became a simpering child of apology, which too became a point of contention; he told me I was no fun.

So I blissfully went along with everything he said, not a hint of falter or apprehension in me, and he seemed happier at that. It wasn’t tense, which was my overall goal, but inside me the dream was dying. I was fooling him, and to my mind at that time, that made him one of the stupid people I had been trying to escape. Now I know that he saw through me, but was happy of me being compliant once more.

I turned sixteen and so desperately wanted to ask him where his parents were but I did not. He filmed me all the time then. Every sexual encounter, any time I disrobed, even going to the bathroom. He’d come up to me with a joyful expression, laughter, as if we were on our honeymoon and he was desperate to capture every moment. I did not complain.

The bindings, canes, cuffs… that bled slowly into our sex lives and I did not question it. He worshipped me for it and I lived for that. It wasn’t all bad, not yet, I did enjoy time over those months, sex and all, which I guess kept me conflicted enough to stick around. I did not question that I was now locked in during the day, forbidden even to go to the garden. He’d kiss my hands and tell me I was all his. I did not question it. That was to be the end of the good times, the end of my illusion.

It was a Saturday, I remember because he wasn’t at work, he’d gone to the shops. He’d asked me to clear up his study, he’d booked off the following week for my birthday, he told me, he wanted everything perfect so we could spend as much time together as possible. I agreed, naturally, pulling out boxes and coughing on the dust.

I didn’t mind, having anything at all to do in the day by that point was a blessing, and again, I’d receive more of that undeserving, disproportionate praise. I hit a box of opened envelopes, planning to simply stack them straight so that the box could be slid back under the desk. As I did, a drivers license toppled out the bottom of the pile.

I remember giggling, thinking about how silly one’s ID picture usually was. I thought, dumbly, that I could take a peak and have a laugh with him about it later.

I felt my whole body fall.

His was called David Shaw, not David Marshall, he was thirty-three, he was not eighteen.

I froze up, numbness filled me. I did not understand in that moment the seriousness of the lie, how much it brought my entire existence as it was into question. At the time, I fumed from the lie itself, the fact that I had been played, it didn’t occur to me for some time that the lie had a wider purpose. I focused only on my being fooled. I put it away, the anger filling me as I continued to clean, as if I was on some level aware of the hell I’d pay if I did not, even though I had ample ammunition to stop.

I waited dutifully by the door as I always did when he got home. He greeted me with a wide grin, scooping me up in a tight hug, thanking me in droves for my job well done, kissing me all over and telling me how excited he was for the week. This was fairly common by that point but it totally disarmed me, and I went a long with most of the evenings plans without mentioning it at all.

He’d brought flowers home, a takeaway, and it wasn’t until we were in bed, undressed, but otherwise gentle with each other that I finally blurted it out. There was no camera that night, he seemed prepared for a night devoted to me alone. He’d do this from time to time, I know now it was to keep me placid.

“You’re thirty-three” I said it without pretence, I didn’t even ask for an explanation, I don’t think, I remember sitting up and just saying it straight to his blissed out face.

That, as they say, was that.

He beat me black and blue then, the emotion he’d been faking completely drained from him. I fell to the ground at some point but it did not stop. He raped me in the most literal sense that night, I was unable to justify the cruelty anymore, it was an assault and nothing more. I did not leave that room for over two years.”