Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It’s the second of two welcome weekends at the University of North Carolina (UNC) Chapel Hill, and Kiara has never been around so many rich kids - not even on Figure 8. She thought that college might be more of an equalizer, that she might actually get a break from the stark economic separation that divides Kildare Island into neat little boxes. Kooks versus Pogues. Rich versus poor.

But as she sips mystery liquid out of a solo cup and looks around the room, Kiara realizes this hope has been in vain. The frat house floor is sticky and stained, but even in the dim light she can see brand new Dior, Balenciaga, and Prada shoes weaving among the throng of people. She can hear shouted conversations about vacations to Ibiza and Mallorca over the pulse of the music.

She doesn’t know any of these people, but she doesn’t have to. They project their wealth the same way Kooks in the OBX do; you can sense the entitlement and privilege by the way they carry themselves and the way they take up all the space in the room. Figuratively and literally. Kie rolls her eyes as she’s shoved into a corner of the room, causing her to splash mystery juice onto the ground. 

Sure, Kiara’s family has money, but she’s never really been a Kook. Even when she went to the Kook high school for one year and tried hard to fit in, it had felt inauthentic and suffocating, like wearing clothing two sizes too small.

Her parents are wealthy, but they’re not paying her way through school. If she gets into a tough spot they’re willing to help out, but she’s mostly relying on scholarships and work-study to get her through at UNC. Still, she acknowledges that she’s lucky compared to someone like Pope, whose parents couldn’t help out even if they wanted to. He has to completely rely on his brains and hard work to make it through.

Pope. Where is that idiot, anyway? Kiara whips out her phone to text him again, gripping the rapidly-emptying solo cup between her teeth. 

hello?? u were supposed to meet me here ages ago. I’m going to kill u if ur ghosting me

She presses send, sighing when the message joins the other 3 that Pope has yet to respond to. Kiara thinks coming to this stupid party at all was probably a bad idea - she’s certainly starting to regret it now that she’s drinking alone in a corner.

When she received the casual invite from the second year down the hall, she thought it might be a good opportunity for her and Pope to put themselves out there. They hadn’t done much their first weekend here, mostly just set up their rooms and called JJ and John B. She’s not used to calling instead of popping by to bother them in person, but they’re a few hours away at East Carolina University now, a local college closer to the OBX.

Kiara felt the first twinges of homesickness while chatting with the other Pogues last weekend, but she feels it like a punch to the gut now. Kiara isn’t used to feeling awkward or uncertain of herself, and she’s starting to realize how much she took the comfort of having all her boys around for granted. She’s never wanted to listen to John B ramble about surfing or watch JJ try (and fail) to flirt so badly in her life. 

She’s pulled out of her wallowing by someone bumping into her, hard enough to spill the rest of the mystery juice all over the ground and onto her clothes. Kiara sighs as she wipes at the sticky liquid on her shorts, eventually giving up on trying to clean them.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there,” someone shouts over the music, their voice apologetic and a little slurred. Kiara looks up at the owner of the voice - a tall, lean boy with tan skin and a mop of brown curls. His green eyes look a little glazed, but he does seem genuinely apologetic. 

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. That seems to be the theme of the night,” Kiara replies with a dry chuckle. The boy tilts his head to the side, appraising her with his too-bright eyes. 

“I haven’t seen you around before, I don’t think. What’s your name?” When Kiara hesitates for a moment, he fills the silence by adding, “I’m Bryce.” 

Kiara contemplates making an excuse to escape this conversation with Bryce, but he’s easy on the eyes and she did come here to meet people, after all. She can make small talk with this handsome white boy. She hopes. 

“I’m Kiara,” she responds finally, giving Bryce a small nod as she introduces herself.

“Well Kiara, what are you doing all alone in the corner?” Bryce smiles in a teasing manner and his green eyes are warm as they regard her, so Kiara tries to suppress the twinge of unease she feels at his words. He’s probably just trying to make conversation, not emphasize the fact that she’s alone and separated from the rest of the party. 

Still, Kiara thinks she should err on the side of caution here; it’s called stranger danger for a reason, after all. “I’m waiting on a friend to meet me. He’s always late,” she says, even though Pope is rarely late and she’s not even sure if he’s is coming at this point. 

Kiara thinks she sees a flash of something in Bryce’s eyes at the mention of a male friend, but it disappears so quickly that she thinks she must have imagined it. “I gotcha,” Bryce responds, smiling brightly. “Well at least let me get you another drink while you wait. It’s the least I can do after spilling your last one everywhere.”

“No, that’s okay, I’m good,” Kiara replies, but Bryce is already disappearing into the crowd, on his way to the nearest drink table. Kiara is just about to cut her losses and make her way to the exit when her phone vibrates, a message from Pope popping up on screen. 

I’m soooo sorry, I got caught up with anatomy hw. Will be there in 30.

Kiara rolls her eyes at the message, fingers hovering over her screen in indecision. She’s not sure she can make it another 30 minutes in this humid, smelly house, but what else is she going to do on a Saturday night?

MAKE IT 25 MINUTES OR U DIE, she texts back to Pope. 

As she moves to tuck her phone into her pocket, she hears someone nearby clear their throat. She looks up, expecting Bryce or someone trying to move past her on the crowded floor. Instead, she looks up into a familiar face, one with piercing blue eyes and a permanent smirk spread across his cruelly handsome features.

Rafe Cameron’s face is not a friendly one, and Kiara can’t say she’s particularly thrilled to see him in this setting. Or any setting. In this moment she realizes she’d taken three Rafe-less years in the OBX for granted. 

“Well, well, well, I guess they’ll just let anyone into these parties,” Rafe says in his familiar slow drawl, his smirk becoming more pronounced with each word. “A Pogue at my frat’s party? In my frat house? Who would have thought?”

Kiara is surprised by how quickly the familiar indignation and rage rise up in her, how visceral her memories of Rafe’s constant harassment still feel. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you owned the place,” she replies instinctively. “How typical that you haven’t changed at all in three years. You and your ego are as insufferable as ever.”

Rafe folds his arms over his chest, his posture becoming more defensive. “How do you know that I don’t own the place? You just got here. And you’re about as low on the totem pole as you can get. A Pogue and a freshman. That’s a brutal combo, Kiara.”

“I wouldn’t act so high and mighty, if I were you,” Kiara fires back, taking a step forward so Rafe can hear her over the blaring music. “I didn’t even know you went to UNC and we’re from the same tiny island.”

Rafe scoffs disdainfully. “Where did you think I went? To East Carolina, with all the low rent Pogues that drop out after a year?” Kiara flushes. She doesn’t think Rafe is up to date on her friends’ lives, but she’s thinking about John B at East Carolina, of JJ at the nearby technical school.

Of course Rafe would look down upon education at a cheaper school, would feel superior just because of his access to money he’s never had to earn. He’s the King Kook, the embodiment of everything wrong with Kildare. Of everything that’s wrong with rich people everywhere.

“I actually don’t think about you at all. Never have, never will.” Now Kiara crosses her arms over her chest, shooting Rafe the fakest smile she can muster. Instead of getting angry like Kiara anticipated, Rafe seems amused. His icy blue eyes regard her with a strange intensity. He takes a step forward. 

“You sure about that?” he replies. He’s only a few feet away now, and Kiara feels something stir in her stomach at his proximity, a feeling she tells herself is dread. 

For once, Kiara doesn’t have a snappy comeback. She just wants to get out of this conversation, to leave this stupid party. She rolls her eyes at Rafe and starts to walk away from him, scanning the crowd for any sign of Pope. She’s going to rip him a new one when they get out of here.

Rafe intercepts her as she tries to walk away, his expression shifting from amusement to something else. If Kiara didn’t know better, she’d say he almost looks concerned. 

“Who are you looking for?” He asks.

“None of your business, Rafe!” Kiara huffs, trying to step around him. Again, he intercepts her, his arms still folded in front of him. In this moment he looks like the world’s lamest bodyguard.

“If you’re looking for Bryce, I told him to get lost. I saw him talking to you earlier. You don’t want to hang around that guy, trust me.” Rafe seems like he’s being serious, which only amplifies Kiara’s sense that this has to be a joke. Why is Rafe pretending to look out for her? Is this some weird power play? Some trick to get her to leave the party? 

Kiara chuckles derisively. “There are so many things wrong with what you just said. One, trust YOU? That’s hilarious. Two, why would you care who I’m hanging out with? And three, like being around you is so much better than being around that guy?”

Something about her reply seems to strike a nerve with Rafe, because his nostrils flare and his blue eyes flash with anger. “What’s your problem, Kiara? I’m just trying to do you a solid.”

Kiara gapes at Rafe. “I can’t even believe you have to ask. Do me a solid? You?” Against her will, she sees flashes of an OBX house party her freshman year of high school, remembers the feeling of strong arms pinning her down while she struggled to get away. Kiara pushes away the memory, and focuses on channeling her anger instead. She sees a crease appear between Rafe’s eyebrows, and he looks like he’s about to say something when they’re interrupted. 

“Hey Rafe, one of your stupid frat brothers is puking all over the bathroom. Can you go deal with that?” It’s a woman’s voice. Kiara does a double take when she realizes that the girl speaking is also familiar.

She didn’t know both Cameron siblings went to UNC. Just her luck. 

“Why can’t you just handle it?” Rafe snaps at her, releasing Kiara from his intense gaze.

“Uh, because it’s not my fucking problem?” Sarah Cameron replies, hands on her hips. Kiara hasn’t been around the Cameron siblings in a long time, but she’s amused to see that their relationship hasn’t changed much. Or improved any.

“Fine,” Rafe relents, rolling his eyes and raising his hands in exasperation. “I’ll handle everything, as usual.” 

“It’s your frat, dumbass!” Sarah calls as Rafe starts to turn away. He says nothing to her, instead glancing at Kiara.

“Bye, Kie. It was a pleasure, as always. Feel free to get the hell out of my house at any time.” Any previous concern is wiped from his face, and the cruel smirk is back.

“Love to see you go, hate to watch you leave!” Kie shouts at his retreating form. “And don’t call me Kie!”

When she finishes yelling after Rafe, she turns back to see Sarah still standing in front of her, looking awkward. Sarah plays with the rim of her cup for a few moments before looking up at Kie.

“Sorry about him,” Sarah says finally. “I don’t know why he’s such a jerk all the time.” Kiara doesn’t want to be rude right off the bat, but she feels herself bristle at Sarah’s interference.

“I didn’t need you to save me, Sarah. I can take care of myself,” Kiara responds without thinking. 

Sarah just nods, like she expected this response. “Well, someone is puking. And I know you don’t need rescuing. But I just remember that you never liked being around Rafe, back in the day.” She pauses for a moment, before laughing ruefully. “Not that you’re the biggest fan of being around me, either.”

Kiara feels a twinge of sympathy for Sarah at her words, even though she’s not technically wrong. “That was a long time ago, Sarah,” she replies slowly, not agreeing with her, but not denying it either. It’s the best she can do at the moment. 

Sarah raises her eyebrows knowingly. “Not that long,” she says with a chuckle, before letting it go. “I didn’t even know you were coming to UNC. How are you liking it so far?”

“It’s alright,” Kiara shrugs, looking down at her shoes, scuffing one against the sticky floor. “It’s been a weird adjustment. I’m just glad I have Pope with me. Well, not right now, as you can see. He’s in deep shit.”

Sarah laughs softly, the sound swallowed by the bass of the music. “Pope is at UNC too? What about your other friends? The curly-haired one that’s always rambling? Is he here?” Sarah tries to sound nonchalant as she asks, but Kiara watches as a flush creeps onto her cheeks. Interesting. 

“No, they’re at East Carolina - it’s closer to home and a lot cheaper. John B has a partial scholarship to study geography. JJ’s at the technical school even though he didn’t even really want to go, but they’re reimbursing his tuition and he wanted to get away from his dad.” Kiara isn’t sure why she’s sharing so much. Jesus, maybe I really am homesick, she thinks to herself. “Sorry, that’s probably not why you came over here.” Kiara tilts her head, thinking for a moment. “Actually….why did you come over here?”

Sarah flushes even deeper than she did when mentioning John B. “I don’t know. It was nice to see a familiar face, I guess.”

Kiara softens at this. “You missing home, then?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Sarah responds, taking a swig of her drink. “I’m not sure why though. I was lonely there, too.” 

Kiara feels another pang of sympathy, much stronger this time. But she also feels confused, and a little bit angry too. If Sarah felt this way at home, then why did she cut Kiara out of her life when she needed her most? A person that could actually understand the feeling of being alone while surrounded by other people? She’s not sure, but part of her wants to find out.

“We should catch up, sometime,” Kiara says, surprising them both. 

“Yeah?” Sarah asks, looking skeptical. “You want to?”

“Why not?” Kiara shrugs, giving Sarah a slight smile. “Could be nice to talk without the smell of vomit and beer hanging in the air.”

“Let’s do it,” Sarah smiles shyly, her brown eyes warm. “I’ll text you?”

“Number’s the same,” Kiara replies. 

Kiara’s phone buzzes with a text from Pope, who has definitely taken more than 25 minutes to get here.

I’m here, but they won’t let me in :(

Kiara shakes her head and lets out an exasperated sigh. “Pope. I have to go deal with this.” Sarah nods understandingly. “But text me!” Kiara throws over her shoulder, giving Sarah a little wave as she elbows her way through the drunken crowd.

As she approaches the exit, she thinks she hears someone say her name. Before she knows it, she’s being yanked away from the door. She looks back in alarm, and sees Bryce’s shiny green eyes staring back at her.

“Kiara, where are you going? The party’s just getting started.” Kiara sees a flash of Bryce’s white teeth, and she’s briefly reminded of the phrase ‘crocodile grin.’ Kiara tries to pull her arm free, but Bryce has a firm grip on her elbow, and he’s trying to pull her back into the crowd. Back towards him. Kiara feels panic start to rise up her throat, burning like acid.

Just when she’s about to freak out and start getting violent, she feels the pressure release from her arm. She looks back and sees blue instead of green peering out from the mass of bodies, watches as Rafe shoves Bryce roughly by the shoulder away from her. Kiara makes brief eye contact with Rafe, who has an indecipherable look on his face, before she dips outside into the humid night air.

Kiara sucks in a few steadying breaths, her hands on her knees. As she’s catching her breath, she hears a familiar voice nearby, sounding desperate.

“I don’t have any money, but I have this coffee rewards card that you can take. Okay, I know it only has one punch, but I’ve only been here for a few weeks and I don’t drink coffee that much! Please man, my friend is waiting for me. And she’s already so pissed at me.”

“Pope!” Kiara shoots him a look as she jogs down the porch stairs, but she can’t help but laugh. “Stop bartering, dummy. It’s not worth it. Let’s get out of here.”

“Wait, if he’s with you he can come in,” the frat boy/bouncer says, eyeing Kiara up and down in a way she does not appreciate. She rolls her eyes, and grabs Pope’s arm as she drags him away from the front door.

“Thanks so much, we’re really flattered. Unfortunately we have somewhere better to be.” Kiara flips her hair over her shoulder as she continues to drag Pope along.

“Wait, do we actually?” Pope asks, stumbling slightly on the sidewalk.

“Absolutely not. But I ran into both of the Cameron siblings and that was my cue to leave,” Kiara replies.

“BOTH Cameron siblings? I didn’t even know they went here.” Pope stops in his tracks, grimacing at Kiara apologetically. “I’m sorry for losing track of time, Kie. How pissed off are you?”

Kiara tilts her head and pretends to think about it, but the truth is that she’s so relieved to see Pope that her irritation has all but vanished. She knows he’s working hard and needs good grades to survive here. Still, she can’t let him off the hook that easily. “I’ll be a lot less pissed once you buy me some late-night pizza,” she says finally.

“You just heard me talk about how I’m broke,” Pope pouts.

“I’ll put it on your tab, don’t worry,” Kiara teases, throwing her arm around Pope as they make their way back towards the heart of campus.

———————————————————————

“You wanted to see me, Professor Cline?” It’s a week or so later, and Kiara’s been asked to stay after her Principles of Biology class. It’s her second of two bio classes for the day; she’s also enrolled in a first-year seminar about the conservation of sea turtles.

“Yes! Thank you for meeting with me…Kiara, isn’t it?” The professor is a woman in her mid to late 30s, with warm hazel eyes and deep caramel skin. Her curly hair is pulled into a slicked back ponytail, and she gives off an air of ease that Kiara admires immensely. She feels almost flustered that the professor knows her name in a class of nearly 100 people. 

“Of course. Is everything okay?” Kiara can’t help but ask, adjusting her backpack strap nervously. The professor puts down a stack of papers and looks up at Kiara with a smile.

“Absolutely! Sorry if I worried you. Things are better than okay, actually.” Kiara lets out a small sigh of relief as Professor Cline continues. “You’ve been performing remarkably well on all the quizzes so far, and you literally scored a 100% on yesterday’s test. I would think that maybe my class wasn’t challenging enough, if not for your classmates’ scores.” Professor Cline tilts her head to the side, regarding Kiara curiously. Can I ask why you’re not in a more advanced bio class?” Kiara blinks rapidly in surprise, trying to process what her professor is saying. 

“Oh, uh, I’m not sure, I guess because my high school didn’t really offer AP classes? I didn’t get any college credit in high school, and this class is a pre-requisite for most courses in the Environmental Sciences major.” Kiara shrugs, feeling a bit embarrassed. 

Professor Cline nods, appearing deep in thought. “I definitely think you should be in a more advanced class, at least Biology 201. Do you have 30 minutes or so to take this pre-test? I think I can use the results to help bump you up to a more challenging class.” Kiara blushes, trying to keep her delight off her face. 

“I can do that. Thank you, Professor Cline.”

25 minutes later, Kiara calls Pope and tells him to meet her outside the Arts & Sciences building. She has some time to kill before the conservation club meeting, and she’s buzzing about the interaction with her professor. She wants to share the good news.

“Woooooow,” Pope drawls as they’re walking across south quad together, on the way to Kiara’s meeting. “It looks like I’m not the top nerd in the group anymore. We’ll have to bully you instead now.”

Kiara’s laugh is so loud that it startles a bird in their path, causing it to fly away in alarm. “You wish, Pope. You’ll always be the top nerd, buddy.” She pats his shoulder lovingly. “No one could ever take that from you.”

Pope rolls his eyes. “Ha ha. Very funny. Let’s not forget that you’re also attending this school on various scholarships and are walking to a nerdy extracurricular at this very moment.” He eyes her appreciatively. “But seriously, good for you, Kie. Your professor thinks you’ll be able to transfer to the Bio 201 class?”

Kiara nods. “There’s a section at the same time as the Principles of Bio class, and Professor Cline said I aced the pre-test. She said she’ll email me to confirm the switch sometime today or tomorrow.”

As Pope opens his mouth to respond, they hear some sort of commotion coming from the building nearest to them. A girl tripped on the last stair of the mathematics building, causing her to run into a cluster of older students hanging out near the building. 

“Watch where you’re going, freshman!” An upperclassman yells at the girl who tripped on the stairs. The girl yelling is a petite brunette with a wavy bob, but her pretty face is contorted with anger. Is it really that serious? Kiara thinks to herself. Then she spots a familiar shaved head among the hostile group. Of course Rafe is involved in this somehow. 

The petite brunette sticks her leg out and trips the freshman as she turns to walk away, sending her sprawling onto the ground and spilling the books that were in her hands. Kiara hears scattered laughter from the group of upperclassmen and starts to see red. Pope can tell that she’s about to do something ill-advised.

“Wait, Kie-“ Pope begins, but it’s too late. Kiara is already on the war path, marching towards the group. 

“What’s your guys’ problem??” She shouts at the group. Most of them just seem confused as they turn towards the curly-headed girl who materialized out of nowhere, but Pope watches as the petite brunette narrows her eyes and Rafe takes a deep breath, like he’s anticipating disaster. 

As Kiara shoots the group a withering look and helps the girl that was tripped to her feet, the petite brunette takes a step forward. “I’m sorry, who the hell are you?”

Kiara ignores her and starts collecting books off the ground.

“Do you exclusively hang out with assholes, or are they just drawn to you?” Kiara snaps at Rafe as she stands up again.

Blood rushes into Rafe’s face. “Do you actually give a shit about helping people, or do you just like feeling better than everyone?” He fires back.

Before Kiara can respond, the petite brunette steps in. “Who are you calling assholes, asshole??” She takes another step towards Kiara, who isn’t backing down. Before she can get any closer, Rafe stops her with a hand on her shoulder.

“Forget it, Sofia. It’s not worth it.” Rafe pulls her away, and the group starts to retreat towards another part of the quad. He shoots one more look at Kiara over his shoulder, and she raises her middle finger as he looks back. His face turns a darker shade of red, and he sends a finger of his own back towards Kiara. 

“Kiara, can you please go a month without getting us into trouble at this school?” Pope groans as he approaches.

“I’m not trying to seem ungrateful, but that did seem awful heated,” the other freshman remarks. She has a light accent, one that Kiara thinks might be Jamaican. She’s shorter than Kiara but much more toned, with dark hair twisted into tight braids that reach her shoulder blades. Her clothes are practical and her face is makeup free, and her amber eyes are alert as they regard Pope and Kiara. 

Kiara shrugs. “I don’t like assholes.”

“Me either,” the girl replies, her smile revealing dimples that soften her entire face. “Thanks for helping me. I’m Cleo.”

“I’m Kiara…..and this is Pope.” Kiara introduces her friend when she realizes that he seems incapable of speech at the moment. He’s looking everywhere except in the direction of their new friend, and Kiara swears that he’s blushing. 

“Pope? Like the Catholic boss man?” Cleo asks, amused. “Is that a nickname?”

“No. My parents just hated me, apparently,” Pope blurts out, making Cleo and Kiara laugh. 

“Nice to meet you both,” Cleo says after she’s stopped laughing. “Are you first years as well?”

“Yep. I’m studying environmental sciences, and Pope is studying forensic sciences. He wants to be a coroner.”

Pope snaps out of his trance, widening his eyes and shaking his head at Kiara. Apparently he doesn’t want the first thing this pretty stranger knows about him besides his weird name to be that his dream job is working with dead bodies. Whoops.

“Coroner? What’s that?” Cleo tilts her head curiously. Kiara gestures at Pope to respond. Too late to take it back now. 

“It’s uh….they’re the people that examine dead bodies. You know, to determine the cause of death and whatnot.” Pope scratches his head in embarrassment.

But Cleo just shrugs, seemingly unfazed. “That’s cool. It’s nice that you know what you want to do. I’m still undecided.”

Kiara checks the time on her phone, realizing she needs to hurry to make her meeting. “Well, I’m headed to the conservation club right now, if you want to come with and see if it interests you.”

Cleo smiles, swinging her backpack onto her shoulder. “Can’t hurt.” She turns to Pope, who looks surprised to be acknowledged again. “You coming with?”

“No, I uh, I have to get to my, my math class. In this building right here. The one you just came out of,” Pope rambles nervously. Kiara has to suppress a chuckle. This guy is hopeless.

Kiara decides to put him out of his misery. “Maybe you can meet us in the dining hall after, Pope? We can grab dinner? If you’re free, that is,” Kiara adds, turning to Cleo.

“Sounds like a plan,” Cleo responds, her warm eyes sparkling with amusement. Kiara thinks she’s going to like this girl. And she knows Pope definitely will.

———————————————————————

Kiara is in her Bio 201 class a few days later, daydreaming about her conservation club’s activism project. There’s a North Carolina turtle conservancy that’s being sold to a developer, and they’re trying to create a golf course in place of the conservancy. Kiara is brainstorming ways the group can disrupt the sale or development project when her professor speaks up. 

“The first big project in this class is coming up, so we’re going to split into our study groups ahead of the project. Bio 201 is a two semester course, so you better get familiar with your study group. When I call your name, you’ll split into your assigned group.”

Kiara isn’t paying much attention to who’s in what group; it’s her first day here and she has no idea who’s even in this class. But when her name is called, she follows her professors instructions and sits in the second to last row of seats in the lecture hall. It’s only when the professor calls the name of her other group member that she finally pays attention. 

“Rafe Cameron!”

He slips into a seat close to Kiara, that stupid smirk spread across his face like always.

“Well hey there, Kie. Do you specifically choose classes that I’m taking, or are you just drawn to me?” Rafe asks with feigned innocence, echoing what Kiara said to him the other day by the mathematics building. 

It’s going to be a long year. 

Chapter Text

Kiara stares at Rafe for a moment, refusing to believe that this is actually happening to her. He raises his eyebrows and wiggles his fingers at her in a sarcastic wave. 

“What are you doing here?” She hisses at Rafe when she regains the ability to speak. He just shrugs. “And don’t call me Kie,” she adds on lamely. 

When the class ends soon after, Kiara stands up and moves towards the front of the room to catch the professor before she leaves. 

“It’s no use,” Rafe calls after her. 

Kiara ignores him and approaches their teacher’s desk. “Hi Professor, I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment.”

“Can I help you?” The professor sighs, pushing her glasses up her nose. She’s definitely not as friendly as Kiara’s last bio professor, and she seems stressed. Not a great combination when asking for a favor.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. It’s just…Rafe and I know each other from our hometown and I just don’t think we’re going to be a good in a study group together. I was wondering if I might be able to switch groups since it’s so early on?”

“Yeah, it probably would be best if we were assigned to different groups,” Kiara is surprised when Rafe’s voice chimes in from behind her, backing her up. At least there’s one thing they can agree on.

The professor shoots Rafe a withering look over Kiara’s shoulder before responding. “Mr. Cameron, this young lady switched into this class after a glowing recommendation from Ms. Cline, another biology professor. I thought that you could use the help on your second time attempt at this class.” She puts extra emphasis on the word second, and Kiara has to fight the urge to smile as the teacher turns to address her. 

“Ms…Carrera, isn’t it? I’ve heard that you’re a promising young student, but you’re going to be treated the same as everyone else here. And you don’t want to fall further behind, do you?” Kiara’s face falls as she realizes this teacher is not going to reassign them. “Let’s just hope you and Mr. Cameron can put aside your differences for a few hours a week. That’ll be all,” she dismisses them, standing up to pack her bag.

Kiara walks slowly out of the lecture hall and steps outside, blinking into the sudden sunlight. She feels stunned by what just happened. As she heads away from the building and towards the quad, she hears footsteps on the steps behind her. She knows without looking that it’s Rafe.

“Kiara!” He calls out, trying to get her attention. 

“Not interested!” She shouts over her shoulder, without turning around to face him. “I don’t associate with bullies!” She quickens her pace and he doesn’t attempt to follow her. 

———————————————————————

Later that same day, Kiara sits down opposite Sarah at the campus coffee shop, letting out a sigh as she sinks into her seat. It’s been a long day, but she told Sarah she would be here and she didn’t want to cancel.

“You seem stressed,” Sarah remarks, picking up her iced latte to take a sip. “Anything specific on your mind?”

“Your brother, actually,” Kiara says, smiling weakly. Sarah raises her eyebrows in surprise.

“Rafe? What’s he doing now?” She grimaces, looking apologetic.

“Nah, it’s nothing really. We just got paired up for a study group in Bio 201, and it’s for the whole year. We wanted to switch but our professor wouldn’t let us, so I guess that’s that.” Kiara shrugs, reaching down to take a sip of her chai. “My plan is to avoid him for as long as possible.”

“Rafe in an academic setting sounds even worse than Rafe in a normal setting,” Sarah agrees. “He doesn’t tell me much, but I know he failed that class the first time around.”

“Lucky me,” Kiara deadpans. “Going to the same college hasn’t made you closer, then?”

“Not really. We just don’t have anything to talk about. I feel like Rafe has always fit in so seamlessly with everyone around us, while I feel like I’m on the outside looking in. His frat, the lacrosse team, it’s everything my dad loves. That stuff just doesn’t interest me. My dad is all passionate about me being in a sorority, so I’ve been hanging out with some girls from Phi Mu and Alpha Pi, but I don’t know.” Sarah shrugs. “It’s not really my scene.”

Kiara plays with the rim of her cup, trying to decide how honest to be. “What is your scene, then? You seemed pretty comfortable with Kook life on Kildare.” The words slip out before she can stop them.

Sarah takes a deep breath. “There it is. I knew you were still pissed off about what went down between us during freshman year.”

Kiara stares across the table, trying not to get upset. “I didn’t say that, Sarah.”

“Yeah well, I know it’s true. Why won’t you just admit it?” 

“Okay, fine! You want to talk about it? Let’s talk about it. Yeah, I’m still pissed off. We spent so much time together the first half of freshman year, and you made me think you actually cared about me. I’ve never had a girl best friend in my life, and being friends with you made being at the Kook high school tolerable, even though no one else liked me. And then you just stopped talking to me without a word, wouldn’t text me back, wouldn’t answer the phone. Not only that, but you started telling everyone that I was weird, like they needed another reason to hate me? The rest of that year was so awful that I had to switch schools anyway.” Kiara fights off memories of the thing that she never told Sarah about, the thing that she cried about in bed until she couldn’t breathe, the thing that was her final straw. “And I never got any kind of explanation. So yeah. Excuse me if I’m still a little pissed.”

Sarah takes another sip of her coffee, but the hand that holds her cup is shaking. She pauses for a moment before responding, her eyes glued to the table in front of her.

“I’m sorry, Kie. You’re right. What I did to you was awful, and there’s no excuse for it. But I think I can explain.” She takes a deep breath. “I really liked being your friend, and I guess that started to scare me, eventually. You were different than all the other friends I had, and you didn’t care about the stuff they cared about. You always seemed so sure of yourself. You didn’t care about clothes, or boys, or whatever else my other friends talked about. And they already made fun of me all the time for being different, and I’ve been carrying that feeling around my whole life. I was afraid of what being different meant, and all I knew was that the more I was around you, the more I drifted from everyone else. And I couldn’t handle being even more isolated at that time.”

When she looks at Kiara, her eyes are shining with unshed tears. “But I’m sorry, Kie. You were probably the best friend I ever had. And I ruined it.” 

Kiara feels her hurt and betrayal evaporate despite herself. Although she felt isolated and alone at the Kook high school after Sarah ghosted her, Kiara always had John B, JJ, and Pope to rely on (even though it did take a while to earn their forgiveness). She knew she had people in her corner that cared about her even in her lowest moments, a Pogue family that had her back. She doesn’t know how she would have acted in Sarah’s position, if the fear of being totally alone would have caused her to act the same way.

Kiara nods slightly before giving Sarah a weak smile. “Did you have to tell everyone I was weird, though? Bit of a low blow.” Her tone is teasing, and Sarah laughs wetly.

“Yeah that was a dick move. I panicked, and tried to put as much distance between us as possible. I’m really sorry. I don’t know if that means anything at this point.”

Kiara places a gentle hand on Sarah’s forearm. “It does,” she assures her, voice soft. “It was a long time ago.” She repeats her words from the frat party, but this time she means them. 

“Do you think we could like…start over? I know that’s corny but. I’d really like to be friends again.” Sarah looks at her hopefully.

“Duh. It’s already forgotten,” Kiara teases.

They catch up for a while longer, until it’s time for Sarah to head to an evening class, one of her business courses. As Sarah gets up to leave, Kiara remembers something and tells her to wait.

“I just remembered! John B and JJ are visiting the weekend after next, during the long weekend. You should hang with us.” She raises an eyebrow at Sarah. “I’m sure they’d love it. And I would too.”

Sarah blushes at the mention of John B. “Are you sure they’d be okay with a Kook crashing?”

Kiara rolls her eyes. “Sarah, are you kidding? They might be Pogues, but they are human men. Scratch that. Human boys. They’re only so strong. They’d love to have you.”

Sarah’s smile is genuine and wide, bringing out her dimples. “Okay, sounds like a plan.”

———————————————————————

Bio 201 meets on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, so avoiding Rafe entirely is difficult. Difficult, but not impossible, as it turns out; Kiara devises a system that allows her to successfully avoid Rafe for the next week and a half. She arrives a bit late (although still early enough for attendance), leaves a little early, and always sneaks into the section of the classroom opposite from where Rafe is sitting. It’s a bit ridiculous, to be honest, but Kiara is petty and derives immense satisfaction from her evasive tactics.

On the Thursday before fall break, Kiara escapes from Bio early yet again and waits on the stairs of the mathematics building for Pope to get out of class. When he sees her sitting on the steps waiting for him, Pope rolls his eyes. 

“You dipped early again? Aren’t you missing stuff, Kiara?” He regards her disapprovingly. 

“No dad,” Kiara says, brushing her hands on her pants and standing up. “It’s usually just people asking dumb questions and the professor getting mad at them. She lowkey hates us.”

Kiara’s phone buzzes, and her face lights up when she sees who’s calling. 

“Tweedledee! Tweedledumb!! I miss you guys!” Kiara says in a sing song voice, holding her phone up and blowing them a kiss. 

JJ blows a kiss back, and John B rolls his eyes at them, but he’s smiling. “Hey Kie! Looking fine as ever,” JJ says, leaning over John B to get into frame. John B swats at his shoulder. 

“Stop flirting, JJ. We’ve literally been on the phone for 5 seconds,” he chastises before turning back to the phone. “Hi Kie, we miss you too. Where’s Pope?”

“He’s here,” Kiara says, pulling him by the elbow into frame. “He’s just mad at me for skipping a few minutes of class.”

“Skipping class already? Atta girl,” JJ nods approvingly. 

“Don’t encourage her!” Pope scolds him. 

Kiara ignores Pope. “So are we still on for this weekend, guys?”

“Yep,” John B nods. “We’re heading down in the evening tomorrow, so we won’t get there until pretty late. But we can stay through Monday.”

“Do we need to bring booze?” JJ pops back into frame to ask.

“Obviously,” Kiara replies. “And bring extra. We’re going to have a couple special guests joining us. One is our new friend Cleo, aka Pope’s new crush. We’re going to do homework with her right now, actually.” She wiggles her eyebrows at the screen.

Pope rolls his eyes and groans at the whoops and whistles coming from the boys on the phone. “Thanks a lot, Kie. Would you stop with the false narrative, already? I do NOT have a crush on her,” he insists, but Kiara can see that he’s blushing again.

“He does,” Kiara mouths at the screen, making John B and JJ laugh. 

“Wait a minute. Who’s the other person hanging out with us?” John B asks before hanging up. 

“Sarah Cameron. So be on your best behavior, you two. I think she’s especially excited to see you, John B.” She winks at him, and he turns bright red.

“Rude!” JJ pouts. “I’m the fun one here.”

The group says their goodbyes as Pope and Kiara walk into the library. 

“Seriously, Kie. Please don’t tell Cleo I have a crush on her. Because I DON’T. And it would be so embarrassing if you said that, even though it’s not true,” Pope stumbles through his words. 

Kiara laughs, patting his arm reassuringly. “I would never. I’m not that evil. I’m just saying that I have eyes, okay? You’re not fooling anyone.”

Pope is not at all comforted by this, and he looks perturbed as they join Cleo at her table in the library.

“Hi guys! Long time, no see,” Cleo jokes. They’ve been hanging out regularly for the last couple weeks. She does a double take when she sees the look on Pope’s face. “What’s up with him?”

“Uhhhh,” Kiara stalls, trying to think of an excuse. “He’s stressed about. Math?” It comes out like a question, but Cleo just shrugs. 

“Typical Pope,” she teases. “You gotta learn how to relax, man. Go with the flow.”

“Maybe you can teach him, Cleo,” Kiara says before she can stop herself. Pope shoots her a lethal look before Cleo turns to look at him. If looks could kill, Kiara would be dead. 

“Any time, man,” Cleo says (a little bashfully, in Kiara’s opinion). Pope blushes and mutters something about needing to start his homework, proceeding to bury his head in his textbook. Kiara pulls out her own homework, some background information about threats to biodiversity in the ocean. She’ll have to take a learning check on the information at some point.

Cleo puts down her pen and leans over, looking at Kiara’s binder. She scans the material for a moment before giving up. “So remind me what your major is, again?”

“Environmental sciences,” Kiara replies, pulling out her laptop. 

“And what will you do with that? Like what’s the end goal?”

“Oh god,” Kiara groans. “You sound like my parents, Cleo.”

“Sorry!” She laughs. “I’m just curious. I like to know what other people are passionate about. Maybe for selfish reasons so I can try and figure out what I want to do, but I still like to know.”

“I mean, big picture, I want to do conservation work, maybe with a nonprofit or some type of governmental agency. I’m not that interested in a desk job, so I’d like to do something more hands on than an analyst or researcher or consultant. I want to change the system, you know? I want to do work with tangible benefits.” Kiara blushes a little, wondering if she sounds too pretentious.

“Dang, you’re brave. That’s really cool,” Cleo responds with a whistle. 

“Brave?” Kiara wrinkles her brow in confusion. “How so?”

“I don’t know. Environmental work is important but really difficult, right? It’s like, saving the world, literally. I think it takes a brave person to think they can help save the world, and to put up with all the opposition to that goal.”

“I guess?” Kiara’s never really thought about it like that. “I’ve just always really loved nature. And I want to help however I can.”

“You’re one tough cookie,” Cleo quips, turning back to her own homework. It’s not the first time Kiara’s been told she’s tough in her life. It’s always said like a compliment, so why doesn’t it feel like one? She turns back to her work, trying not to think about it anymore. 

——————————————————————-

A few hours later, Kiara starts yawning and rubbing at her eyes. Her lack of sleep is starting to catch up to her, and she’s finally reached a natural stopping point with her homework. She stretches and pushes her chair back.

“You heading out?” Pope looks up from his textbook, his eyes looking slightly bloodshot. He could probably benefit from a long night’s sleep, too.

“Yes, and you should too,” Kiara says pointedly. “Both of you,” she looks at Cleo, who is starting to doze off on her hand. “You both look terrible. And we have a big weekend ahead! Cleo finally gets to meet the boys.” 

“I’ll head out soon, I promise,” Pope says, rubbing at his own eyes. Kiara raises her eyebrows skeptically.

“I’ll stick around for a while and hold him to that,” Cleo says, like she read Kiara’s mind. Kiara smirks internally, but keeps her face mostly neutral. 

“See this is why you’re the top nerd, Pope,” she teases as she stands up to leave. “You’re even pulling someone else into your nerdy orbit.”

“Hey!” Pope protests as she starts to walk away. “Rude!”

“See you tomorrow!” Kiara yells over her shoulder.

As she steps out into the starless night, Kiara takes a moment to bask in the stillness, listening to the crickets. Campus is mostly empty, and she feels a rare calmness descend on her for once. 

The momentary peace is shattered by a shadowy figure emerging from the bushes surrounding the library, approaching her from the side of the building. Kiara whips her head around, and her hands come up in a loose defensive pose. Her heart is beating so hard that she feels lightheaded. When she finally realizes who’s approaching her from the shadows, she breathes a sigh of relief. It doubles as a huff of annoyance, in this case.

“Jesus, Rafe! You scared the shit out of me! You’re lucky I don’t have my pepper spray on me right now.” Kiara’s hands have migrated to her hips unconsciously. 

Rafe is staring at her, his blue eyes narrowed in amusement. “What were you going to do? Karate chop me?”

“I don’t know! You just materialized out of the bushes!” Kiara gapes at him, her shock wearing off. “Are you stalking me? Do I need to call campus police?”

Rafe rolls his eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic, Kiara. I made an educated guess. I don’t have your number, or even like, your email. Can we work on this thing for bio? You can’t avoid me forever.”

Kiara tilts her head to the side and purses her lips. “Mmmm, wanna bet?”

Rafe gestures between them impatiently. “Seems like I would’ve won that bet already.” His tone turns stern. “Seriously Kiara. We should start on the project.” Kiara bristles at his tone. Does he think he can get her to give in by treating her like a child?

“I think I can manage just fine on my own without the guy who’s already failed this class once,” she retorts. She knows it’s rude, but whatever. Rafe is rude.

Rafe’s sharp jaw clenches and unclenches, and his nostrils flare ever so slightly. “Very nice. Do you feel better now? Anything else you want to get off your chest?” Kiara can tell he’s reaching the end of his patience, and it only makes her want to push him even more. To get under his skin and stay there. She’s not sure why she wants to irritate him so badly, but she can’t help it.

Kiara folds her arms over her chest, refusing to back down. “I don’t think you want to go there.” They stare at each other for a few moments, the challenge hanging in the air between them. 

“Alright,” Rafe says finally. “Since you’re being so stubborn about this, I guess you wouldn’t mind if I told our professor you’re ghosting me after she specifically told us to work together?” 

Kiara narrows her eyes, indignation flaring up inside of her. “Ohhhh, so now you’re threatening me? Is this how people who always get what they want react to being told no?”

Rafe throws his hands up in exasperation. “Kiara, you’re the one making this difficult. Can we just like, not make this any more shitty than it already is? Please?” He clasps his hands together, looking genuinely desperate. 

Kiara rolls her eyes, but finally relents. “Fine. We can work on the stupid thing together. Meet back here tomorrow? 6 o’clock?”

Rafe stares at her blankly. “But tomorrow’s Friday night.”

Kiara genuinely cannot believe this guy. She looks at him like he has three heads.

“And? The project is due Tuesday. I’m not sure if you know this, but some things in college actually require working into the weekend.” Rafe opens his mouth to argue, but Kiara cuts him off. “Do you want to work together, or not?”

Rafe sighs deeply. “Can we at least do it at my place? I don’t want to come all the way to campus for this.”

Kiara barks out a laugh. “At the frat house? Where are we going to do our work? On top of a mattress on the floor? On a chair made out of beer cans? God forbid we inconvenience his majesty by making him come to campus.” 

“Better a chair made of beer cans than whatever grimy furniture they put in those freshman dorms.” Rafe wrinkles his nose at the thought. “I’ve never even been in those nasty dorms.”

“I didn’t think it was possible, but this conversation is making me want to work with you even less.”

“Alright, alright,” Rafe relents. “I’ll meet you here. You win.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, it definitely still feels like I’m losing,” Kiara replies, swinging her backpack over her shoulder and starting to walk away. “I’ll see you tomorrow at 6. Don’t be late!”

———————————————————————

As Pope walks Kiara to the library on Friday, he asks for what has to be the fifth time, “Are you sure about this, Kie?”

“Oh my god, Pope, yes. Please stop asking. I’ll be done before John B and JJ get here. It’s fine.”

“I don’t like it,” Pope says, looking at her nervously.

“I don’t love it either, Pope, but it’s just Rafe. He’s not Ted Bundy.”

“I don’t know. He kind of has a Patrick Bateman-like vibe. Remember that time he beat up a kid just for saying something rude about his dad?” Pope reminds her.

“Thanks Pope. I’m actually feeling much better about the whole situation now. I’m so glad you were here to calm me down,” Kiara says sarcastically, shooting him a look as she leaves him at the bottom of the library steps.

“Call me if you need anything!” Pope shouts at her back.

“Go home, Pope!” She yells without turning around.

Rafe is leaning against one of the library’s front pillars, tapping on his phone absentmindedly. He looks up when Kiara approaches and nods towards Pope’s retreating figure. 

“Did you really need your boyfriend to come drop you off?”

“Pope’s not my boyfriend. It’s actually this cool thing called friendship. You should try it sometime!”

“I have friends, you little shit,” Rafe mutters.

“Prove it,” Kiara replies, gesturing around them. "I don't see any."

“Can we just-“ Rafe rubs his hand over his head, looking frustrated. “Can we just go inside?”

“You started it,” Kiara mumbles under her breath as they head inside the library. 

An hour and a half later, the only person who has started anything related to the project is Kiara, who is getting increasingly fed up with Rafe’s unhelpful presence. The project is genomics related, and they have to choose a genetic condition and explain the environmental and hereditary factors that influence it. Kiara is currently researching cystic fibrosis and writing up her findings, while Rafe is sitting with his feet up on a desk, leaning back so far in his rolling chair that it’s almost parallel with the floor. 

“Ughhhh,” Rafe lets out a long groan, staring at ceiling. “I’m so bored. And hungry. Can we take a break to get some food?”

Kiara looks up from her laptop in disbelief. “Break?? From what? Abusing that poor chair? You haven’t done one thing to help since we got here.”

“That’s not true! I found is this room,” Rafe points out. “And the point still stands that I’m hungry.” Kiara shoots him a scathing look, but his eyes are already back on the ceiling.

Kiara’s also hungry, but she’s mostly grumpy that she’s stuck in a room with Rafe instead of hanging out with her friends on a Friday night. She’s had more than enough of his bullshit. She leans over and grips the arm of Rafe’s chair, pulling the chair sharply so that it’s resting completely on the ground again. Rafe is so surprised by the chair’s sudden motion that he nearly tumbles forward onto the ground.

“What the hell?” Rafe cries as he scrambles for purchase. He attempts to grab the arm of the chair, and ends up gripping Kiara’s forearm tightly with his right hand. The veins on his forearm and hand stand out more prominently as he grips her arm, and Kiara feels the cool metal of his rings press into her skin. She has to suppress a shudder at the sensation. Both her and Rafe look down at his hand for a moment, until Kiara yanks her arm away and returns to the desk.

“You’re so annoying,” she huffs. “Since you’re not being helpful at all and are actually hindering my progress, I have new terms. I’ll do the project and slap both our names on it, if you give me $50 AND get me and my friends into your frat party tomorrow.” Kiara smiles at him with faux sweetness. 

Rafe scoffs. “No way. I’m not letting a bunch of freshman Pogues crash our party.”

“Good luck on the project, then! I’m telling our professor you did nothing even though I tried to work with you.” Kiara starts shoving things into her backpack, getting ready to leave.

“Kiara, c’mon.” Rafe scoots closer, but she doesn’t look up. “I don’t know what I’m doing, okay? I already failed this class once.” Rafe’s tone is softer now, but Kiara isn’t falling for it. She still doesn’t look up at him.

“It sounds like you need me a lot more than I need you.” Kiara’s slaps her hands onto her binder, moving to stand up. “Byeee.”

“Fine, fine. You win, okay?” Rafe raises his hands in surrender. “I’ll get you into the party. But I’m only giving you $25.”

Kiara eyes him suspiciously. “$30 and you have a deal.”

The corner of Rafe’s mouth inches up slightly, the closest thing to a smile Kiara has seen from him yet. “You drive a hard bargain, Carrera. Deal.”

Kiara nods and sits back down. They sit in silence for a while, as she pulls out her laptop and starts working again. After a while, she can’t help but ask the question that's been on her mind. “Why are you even taking this class anyway?”

Rafe scratches his head, looking uncharacteristically shy. “Ah, because of lacrosse in the spring. To be eligible for the season academically, I need at least a C in this class. I would drop it, but I’ve reached the limit of classes I can drop or retake.” He fiddles with his rings.

Even though she knows he’s kind of being vulnerable, Kiara can’t help but roll her eyes. “I should have known this was about sports. It always is with your kind. Can’t your daddy just buy your way onto the team or something?”

Rafe stares at her for a second, a wrinkle forming between his eyebrows as he looks at her. For a second, Kiara thinks he looks a little wounded.

“I’m sorry, but did I miss when we had a huge falling out or something? Did I run over your cat back home and not know it? I know we have the Kooks vs Pogues thing, or whatever. But why do you hate me so much, specifically? Just because I’m a Kook? Little newsflash, Kiara, but your family has money, too.”

Kiara feels herself getting defensive. “Yes Rafe, because the only reason I would dislike you is your money. Not for the years of bullying and harassment of my friends by you and your crowd. Like that time you stole Pope’s groceries that were meant for his dad’s store, or that time you reported JJ to the cops for stealing your bike even though he didn’t touch it, or that time you and your friends graffitied the HMS Pogue. When you add that to the widespread Kook belief that you can do or say whatever you want without consequences, yeah, it’s a pretty damning combination!”

Rafe has the audacity to roll his eyes at her. “And you guys were always trespassing on private property, and stealing whatever you could, and destroying our shit. But so what? That was years ago now. It’s in the past. Why are you holding such a grudge against me now? You and Sarah seem fine these days.” Rafe’s eyes are clear, and he’s looking at her seriously for once. Like he actually cares about the answer.

For one brief second, the truth is on the tip of Kiara’s tongue. She swallows it down forcefully, because she’s not doing this right now. Certainly not with Rafe. “I guess you’re just that insufferable,” she replies sarcastically, avoiding saying anything real. Rafe doesn’t react like she expected him to. His eyes scan her for a moment, and Kiara sees what she thinks is disappointment flit briefly across his face. Kiara clears her throat to break the silence. “Now can you please leave and let me finish this?”

“Fine.” Rafe breaks eye contact and stands to leave, grabbing his bag from the ground.

“Wait, Rafe,” Kiara calls before he can exit the room. “Give me your number so I can text when we arrive tomorrow. At the party.” She holds her phone out to him so he can put his number in.

“A please wouldn’t kill you,” he mutters, but he obliges anyway. 

“Wouldn’t want to risk it.” As Rafe hands the phone back to Kiara, their fingertips brush ever so slightly. Their brief eye contact makes Kiara feel too exposed, and she hates the way that her fingertips feel warm as she takes the phone from him.

“Pleasure doing business with you,” Rafe says before turning around to leave, shutting the door behind him. If he hesitated for one more second, he would have seen an unwilling blush creep onto Kiara’s cheeks.

Chapter Text

It’s a few hours before DKE’s frat party, and the Pogues (plus Cleo) are sitting at a table on the quad, enjoying the early fall evening. Kiara is watching in disgusted amazement as JJ shovels forkful after forkful of food from the dining hall into his mouth, barely taking time to breathe between bites.

“Jesus JJ,” she says finally. “Can you at least try to chew? You’re going to choke and I don’t know CPR.”

“I do, but I’m not doing mouth to mouth on JJ,” Pope says, wrinkling his nose. “Are you forgetting to feed him?” He asks, turning to John B.

“I refill the bowl twice a day,” John B jokes, taking a bite of his own food.

“Very funny,” JJ says, the sound muffled by the food in his mouth. “Laugh all you want, but I’m getting my money’s worth.”

“This was actually free for you,” Pope points out. “We snuck it out of the dining hall.”

“Speaking of,” Sarah says, approaching their table. “I had a close call. One of the workers saw me tucking some rolls into my bag and I had to make a run for it.”

Kiara sees John B’s eyes light up at her approach. “Ms. Sarah Cameron!” He calls out, adopting a posh British accent. “To what do we owe the honor of your distinguished presence?” Kiara winces at her friend’s corniness, sure that Sarah is going to be put off by it.

To her surprise, Sarah immediately plays along, dropping into an exaggerated curtsy. “The honor is all mine, sir,” she replies, her brown eyes sparkling with amusement. John B nods approvingly and scoots over on the bench, making room for Sarah to sit down next to him.

“Looks like John B has finally met his match,” Kiara laughs. “Sarah, have you met Cleo yet?” Sarah smiles at Cleo, nodding slightly.

“I think we met briefly at the library, but it’s nice to see you again. And thank you all for letting me crash,” Sarah addresses the whole group, somewhat bashfully.

“Don’t be silly!” Cleo waves her off. “It’s nice to have some more feminine energy in this group. I don’t know how JJ and John B function without it normally.”

“Yeah, how is it at East Carolina?” Sarah asks, glancing at John B. “Remind me what you guys are studying?”

“Currently I’m studying geography, but I’m thinking of adding on a minor or double majoring in history. Kinda inspired by my dad. I don’t know if you heard, but he was missing for like, 6 months.” John B scratches his head, looking embarrassed.

“I heard,” Sarah says softly. “I was really glad to hear he turned up.”

“Well, thank you,” John B taps on the table, avoiding eye contact. “I was too. My dad has always been obsessed with nautical history and maps, and he kinda passed the obsession onto me. When he turned up again he encouraged me to go and study it, if that’s what I wanted. Before he came back home, I wasn’t going to go to college at all - I didn’t see the point, and we didn’t have the money anyway. But when my dad came home he kept talking about how he never would have made it back if not for all the history and maps he studied, and I don’t know. I was inspired. I think knowing more about history and the world around us is the only way to avoid making the same mistakes over and over, you know?” John B finally looks up, realizing that he’s been rambling for a while.

The group is silent, trying to process what John B just said. Kiara looks across the table at JJ, and she can tell he’s trying to think of a joke to lighten the mood.

“I love that,” Sarah says before JJ can crack a joke, and John B finally looks at her, a blush coloring his cheeks.

“How are you all paying for the apartment at East Carolina, anyway?” Pope asks, shattering their little moment.

“Well, we’re both working, and most of my tuition is paid for. And pretty soon after my dad got back to Kildare, he said we came into a little money. Something about a great aunt who died, or something. He’s helping us with the apartment rent.” John B shrugs.

“It’s free money. No sense questioning it,” JJ adds, still shoveling food into his mouth.

“And how about you, JJ? Has college turned you into a dedicated scholar yet?” Kiara teases him from across the table.

“Absolutely not,” JJ says cheerfully. “But at least studying to be a mechanic is never boring. I’m telling you, literally within the first two weeks, we had a grand theft auto on our hands. No joke. We were doing some hands-on work in the garage, and they made sure the cars didn’t have batteries in them so we couldn’t pull any shenanigans. Well, next thing you know, some girl has this piece of shit Ford up and running, and she’s tearing out of the garage and onto the open road. She literally went and found a battery and installed it into the car so she could steal it.” JJ whistles in appreciation. “I’m actually not sure if they found her. I hope not.”

“It was a girl!? Hell yeah,” Kiara nods in approval.

“That sounds like something I would have pulled back home in the Bahamas,” Cleo laughs. “I was always causing trouble.”

“Why did you decide to come to college in NC? If you don’t mind me asking,” John B adds quickly.

“I don’t mind. I lost both of my parents pretty young, so I was always being tossed around from one distant relative to another. I had a lot of free time on my hands, and not much supervision, so I was always getting into trouble. But one of my teachers must have seen something in me, because she pushed me to apply myself in school and said I might have more opportunities if I came to America. She knew someone here at UNC, so she was able to put in a good word.” Cleo shrugs. “I still don’t know exactly what I want to do. But it’s nice to have a bit of a change. And to feel like I have a community, for once.” She looks up, shooting the Pogues a mischievous look. “Don’t let that get to your heads, though.”

Most of the Pogues laugh, but Pope just looks at her with obvious heart eyes. Kiara kicks him under the table.

“You’re staring,” she mouths at him, and Pope turns bright red before quickly looking away.

“Well that’s nice and all,” JJ starts, “but it sounds a lot more boring here than back in the Bahamas.”

“I don’t know,” Cleo shrugs, gesturing at Kiara. “It’s definitely still interesting here. You should have seen Kiara lay into that group of upperclassmen the day we met. It was incredible. She gave that guy a real earful. What’s his name again? Rafe?”

John B, JJ, and Sarah all turn and stare at Kiara, and she feels her face heat. She might not have mentioned that incident to any of them.

“Rafe? The same Rafe whose party we’re going to tonight?” John B asks incredulously.

JJ pauses, his fork suspended in midair. “Wait, we’re going to RAFE’S frat’s party? Why? I hate that guy.” He shoots Sarah an apologetic look. “Sorry, I know he’s your brother.”

“No apology necessary. I know how he can be,” Sarah replies with a shrug.

Kiara sighs. “Listen, I’ve brokered a tentative ceasefire, okay? One founded on blackmail and sabotage, but a ceasefire nonetheless.” JJ and John B eye her suspiciously.

“You want us to fraternize with the enemy?” JJ says, sounding appalled. “Literally?”

“Look, you won’t have to talk to him. And it’s not like we have many other options, right? Does anyone else have any other parties they can get us into?” Everyone looks around silently. “That’s what I thought. It’ll be fine. Plus, there’s free booze. We can drink them dry.”

“The benefits are probably worth the cost,” Pope acknowledges.

“You had me at free,” says JJ, finally putting his fork down.

“Speaking of, shouldn’t we start getting ready? And pregaming?” Sarah asks. “Does someone have alcohol?”

“You bet your ass we do,” JJ says with a grin.

———————————————————————

About 2 hours and 30 shots later, the Pogues are stumbling down the sidewalk towards DKE. Kiara has one arm thrown around JJ’s shoulders, and he has one wrapped around her waist. He’s holding her a little too close to be considered friendly, but Kiara revels in the attention, the warm buzz from the alcohol loosening her body. She leans in close, gesturing towards John B and Sarah.

“I think John B might have finally found someone that matches his freak. Don’t you think?”

JJ wrinkles his nose. “I don’t know. She’s still a Kook.”

Kiara fakes a pout, bumping JJ with her hip. “But you like me though, right?” She turns wide puppy dog eyes onto him, making him laugh.

“That’s different and you know it. You’re not a Kook. You’re special.” JJ looks at her, his glazed eyes sparkling with fondness. After a moment, he turns back to the group and points at Pope and Cleo.

“Now those two, though. A match made in heaven.”

Kiara laughs, the sound twinkling in the crisp night air. “Pope’s so obvious, isn’t he?”

“Yeah,” JJ admits. “Hopefully she thinks it’s sweet. Otherwise he’s screwed.”

“Guys, we’re here!” Pope shouts over his shoulder, even though they can’t be more than 5 feet behind him.

“We see that Pope, thanks,” Kiara giggles. “Oh shoot, I gotta text Rafe.”

JJ grunts in disapproval as Kiara fumbles for her phone. “I still can’t believe you gave that creep your number. Couldn’t Sarah just text him?”

“Technically, he gave me his number,” Kiara replies, which doesn’t make JJ feel any better. “And idk, I didn’t ask. They’re not that close.”

come let us in we’re outside

Kiara’s phone buzzes with a response faster than she anticipated.

damn, your parents really didn’t teach you to say please, huh?

Kiara lets out a soft snort at Rafe’s message, making JJ frown.

my parents taught me to respect ppl that deserve it :/

rude. be out soon

Kiara tucks away her phone and joins the rest of her friends in line for the party. As they approach the house, the frat boy/bouncer shakes his head, blocking the stairs to the porch. “Uh uh,” he says, his voice sounding artificially deep. “We’ll let the girls in, but not the guys.” How stereotypical.

“We’re here with one of your members or ‘brothers’ or whatever,” Kiara replies, right as Rafe walks out of the front door. “That’s him.” She gestures in his direction, but Rafe is frowning while scanning their group of six.

“You didn’t tell me you were bringing the entire Cut with you, Kiara. We’re not letting all of you in.” Rafe folds his arms over his chest, and Kiara hates that she notices how muscular his arms are. Focus, she scolds herself.

“I told you I was bringing friends,” Kiara insists. “This was part of the deal.”

“A deal made under false pretenses!” Rafe argues.

“Don’t be such a douche, Rafe,” Sarah takes a step forward, scolding him. “You’re making a scene.”

Rafe rolls his eyes at his sister. “Not you too, Sarah. Hanging out with Kiara, I can understand. But John B? JJ? Why are you wasting your time with these losers?”

JJ surges forward, yelling up at Rafe from the sidewalk below the house. “I’m right here, asshole! Come down here and say that to my face!” Rafe opens his mouth to respond, but someone steps out of the house and interrupts before he can.

“Yo, Rafe, what the hell is going on?” Bryce’s brow is wrinkled in confusion as he surveys the scene in front of him, but it smooths once he recognizes Kiara. He smiles at her, his white teeth glinting in the darkness.

“Oh hey, Kiara isn’t it?” Kiara shudders slightly when he says her name, thinking about the last time she saw him. “What seems to be the problem?”

“I’m handling it man,” Rafe protests, but Bryce waves him off.

“Be cool, dude. Kiara, what’s going on?” Bryce turns his piercing green eyes back onto Kiara, and everyone else is staring at her now too. She’s uncomfortable with the attention, but she decides to make the most of it.

“Me and my friends just want to join the party, and Rafe won’t let us. He told me he would get us in.”

“That’s not tru-“

“Well, I’m the president of DKE and I say that you all can come in. How’s that?” Bryce cuts Rafe off, and beckons for the group to follow him into the house. He’s smiling again, but Kiara can’t help but feel like there’s something off about his smile. Rafe glares at Bryce as the Pogues make their way up the porch steps, but the president of DKE pretends not to notice as he slips back into the house. Right as Kiara is on the threshold of the frat’s door, she’s brought to a halt by something solid across her shoulders. It’s Rafe’s arm, blocking her path into the house.

JJ starts to react, but Kiara stops him. “It’s alright, JJ. I got this.” She turns to Rafe and looks him squarely in the eyes. “Get out of the way, Rafe,” she says calmly, her face inches away from his. Rafe’s icy blue eyes are intense, almost angry, and when they flit briefly down to her lips, Kiara feels sudden heat flare in her stomach. She feels the warmth of Rafe’s arm at every point of contact with her own body.

“You can’t trust that guy,” Rafe says under his breath. He says it so quietly that even JJ, who’s standing right behind Kiara, can’t hear it. Kiara says nothing in response, just continues to stare him down. Finally, she feels warm breath on her lips as Rafe sighs gently and drops his arm.

“I still expect my money on Tuesday,” Kiara says cooly as she shoves past him. JJ sends him the finger behind his back as they pass Rafe, and they wait by the door for the others to enter.

“Well, it’s confirmed. Rafe still sucks,” John B says when they’ve all made it into the house.

“Who was that guy who let us in, Kiara?” Pope asks. “Is he really the president?”

“I don’t really know,” Kiara says slowly. “All I know is that Rafe doesn’t like him.”

“One point for that guy, then. You know what they say. The enemy of my enemy is my friend,” JJ says, taking a swig from a beer someone left on a nearby table.

“Ew JJ, that’s disgusting,” Kiara laughs, the tension from the confrontation outside already leaving her body. “You’re going to catch Mono doing that.”

“We can only hope,” JJ responds flippantly, throwing the rest of the beer back. “Now what do you say we make Rafe regret that little stunt? Anyone up for some keg stands?”

———————————————————————

Several games of beer pong and flip cup later, Kiara is feeling loose and happy. The rest of their friends have retreated into the kitchen to find water and more alcohol, and Kiara is dragging a pliant JJ out into the crowded living room to dance with her. Despite a keg stand and multiple drinking games, JJ isn’t really any more drunk than Kiara. But he always gets more physical when he’s drinking, and Kiara just laughs as he pulls her closer, his hands roaming over her body with abandon. She doesn’t try to stop him, and leans into his touch instead.

Kiara knows she’s going to sleep with JJ tonight; she’s just as certain of this fact as she is that the sun will come up in the morning tomorrow. She can tell by the way his grip on her waist gets tighter with every passing minute, by the way he keeps burying his head into her neck and inhaling the sweet smell of her.

Kiara knows she’s going to sleep with JJ, and it’s certainly not the first time. She feels the anticipation building in her, feels the desire thrumming in her blood to the beat of the music. Kiara is feeling restless and pent-up tonight, and a familiar itch is starting to build somewhere deep within her. She knows having sex with JJ will scratch the itch, like it has so many times before. Not because they’re in love, or something - she knows JJ is probably sleeping with other people, and that doesn’t bother her. But she misses having him close, misses the familiar feeling of his taut muscles under her fingers and the warmth of his body when it’s on top of hers. She misses JJ’s enthusiasm and eagerness to please her; she especially misses his enthusiasm for eating her out until her legs are shaking. As their bodies move together on the dance floor, her fingers itch with the desire to touch him in ways she can’t at this party. She wants to feel his sweat dripping down her face, to feel blissful nothingness for a few moments while pressed against his body.

She figures that JJ is feeling the same way, but she knows it for sure when he leans in and whispers in her ear, his lips brushing the soft skin of her earlobe. “I want to taste your pussy so badly, Kie. It’s been too long. I bet it’ll taste so fucking sweet.” His fingers move towards her waistband, but she slaps his hand away lightly. Kiara checks to make sure their friends are still in the other room grabbing drinks before she pulls JJ in closer, one finger under his chin.

“Not here, you greedy boy. You have to be good, or I won’t let you finish tonight,” she whispers, lips inches away from his. “And you want to cum, don’t you?”

JJ nods, breathing hard. He licks his lips, and Kiara follows the movement, her eyes half-closed and sultry. “I’ll be good.”

“That’s what I like to hear, puppy,” Kiara leans in and licks his parted lips from bottom to top, causing JJ to let out a strangled groan. “You want to get out of here?” JJ nods vehemently, looking like a man in a trance. They can text their friends with some excuse once they’re out the door, but they’re not going to make it much longer in here.

As Kiara grabs JJ’s hand and turns to lead him towards the front door, she makes direct eye contact with Rafe, who’s standing several feet away, watching them. There’s something dark, almost hungry, in his intense gaze, and Kiara feels momentarily frozen in place. Rafe maintains steady eye contact even as Sofia pulls him in for a drunken kiss, his icy blue eyes locked onto Kiara from across the room. Kiara shakes her head and starts to lead JJ through the bodies pressed around them on every side, leaving Rafe and Sofia behind in the crowd.

“See you Tuesday, Kie!” Kiara faintly hears Rafe shout after her, right before she’s out of earshot.

———————————————————————

JJ’s dick is hitting exactly the right spot inside of Kiara, and she moves to grind on it harder even though she knows he’s close to the edge. He’s got one hand digging into her hip and the other gripping the sheets on her twin bed so hard she thinks they might rip. His eyes are screwed shut in concentration, and he lets out a low moan as Kiara intensifies her grinding.

“Your pussy feels so good, Kie. I’m not going to last much longer.” JJ’s tone is pleading, desperate. Kiara knows he’s itching for release.

“Try, puppy.” JJ lets out an extended groan at the use of the pet name, the one Kiara knows gets him going more than any other. “Just a little bit more. Give me a little more,” Kiara croons. She stops grinding and starts to bounce on his cock again, feeling the thick stretch of it every time it enters her. She presses her palms into his chest, using the leverage to move even faster up and down the length of him.

“Oh fuck yeah. Use my fucking cock, Kie. Fucking bounce on it.” JJ always swears like a sailor when they’re having sex, especially when he’s close to finishing. Kiara knows it’s only a matter of time now.

“Touch my clit, J. That’s a good boy.” Kiara keeps up a steady stream of praise, knowing that JJ thrives on affirmation during sex. “Oh fuck, that’s it. Just like that.” Kiara throws her head back, giving JJ an unimpeded view of her body. His hand roams greedily over her chest and her stomach.

“You’re so sexy, oh my god. I’m gonna come Kie.” JJ lets out a strangled moan as he finishes into the condom, and Kiara works him through it until he’s begging her to stop.

“That feel as good for you as it did for me?” JJ asks as Kiara flops down next to him, trying to catch her breath. He sounds like normal JJ now, all traces of desperation or submissiveness gone now that he’s had his release.

Kiara shoots him a smile as she leans over and pushes the damp hair off JJ’s forehead. “Hell yeah, dude. As always.”

“Good,” JJ plants a kiss on her forehead before flipping over and lying on his side. “Missed you, Kie.”

“Missed you too, Jayj,” Kiara says back easily. JJ kisses her on the cheek or forehead outside of sex, but that’s as far as they let it go. Kissing on the lips is strictly off limits, but Kiara thinks it would feel weird for the both of them, anyway. Sometimes she’s still surprised at the ease with which they can transition from exploring each other’s bodies during sex to hanging out like two normal best friends.

As JJ starts snoring softly, already fast asleep, Kiara creeps out of bed and heads to the restroom, wanting to clean up before bed. As she washes her face in the bathroom, she thinks about the first time she slept with JJ, over 6 months ago now. Pope and John B were busy over spring break, and Kiara was panicking about their dwindling time together as a group before college. When she stopped by the Chateau and found JJ there alone, they had smoked a few blunts together and shared a bottle of cheap wine. She confessed to him that she was scared that they’d all drift apart, and JJ admitted that he was scared of the same. The weed, wine, and vulnerability had all mixed together, and the next thing either of them knew, they had fallen into bed together, wanting to be as close as possible. When they woke up in the morning it had been a little awkward, sure, but they were able to laugh about it.

They’d never said that it shouldn’t happen again though, and part of Kiara knew it was only a matter of time. And it did happen again, a few weeks later. And again after that. And again. They didn’t even go out of their way to hide it from their friends - they weren’t embarrassed or ashamed of what was happening. For Kiara it felt uncomplicated and natural to start something physical with JJ, a person she loves and trusts. It’s a good outlet for both of them, and Kiara doesn’t feel in danger of catching feelings, because let’s be honest - JJ isn’t exactly boyfriend material at this point in his life.

As she brushes her teeth and contemplates the past couple of months, however, Kiara can’t help but miss when things first started with JJ. When it was fresh and exciting, when it felt like they were breaking some unspoken rule by being together. She still enjoys sex with JJ, but Kiara can’t help but feel like something is missing. The role she falls into during sex with him is comfortable and familiar, but she finds herself craving something different, something more. The restless itch is so quick to return these days - she hardly gets any relief from sex with JJ anymore.

Kiara doesn’t want to think yet, doesn’t want to lay alone with her thoughts while JJ snores next to her. She decides to clear her head with a steaming hot shower, hoping to soak away these weird feelings. She steps into the scalding water, trying to empty her mind. As she runs her fingers through her hair, she sees flashes of Bryce’s unsettling green eyes and shudders. She definitely doesn’t want to think about that. She shakes off any thoughts of him, and starts to rub soap all over her body.

As her hands run over her most sensitive area, she shivers with pleasure. Well, an orgasm certainly wouldn’t hurt anything. She hadn’t finished tonight during sex with JJ, and touching herself might actually help her sleep. She plays absentmindedly with the smooth nub of her clit before running her fingers through her folds experimentally. She gathers her own wetness to make the slide of her fingers more effortless. She rubs at the sensitive area with more purpose now, delicious warmth starting to spread outwards from her clit.

Warm, like Rafe’s arm across her chest tonight. Warm, like his fingers on her arm the other day, contrasted with the coolness of his rings. Warm, like his tongue would be while lapping at her clit, his head between her legs.

“No, no,” Kiara moans out loud to herself, but she can’t stop. She pictures his hungry eyes between her knees, devouring her while forcing her legs open. As she dips one finger inside of herself, then two, then three, she can’t help but imagine they’re Rafe’s fingers fucking her open, stretching her for his cock, making her moan. Making her scream. She’s rocking into her fingers now, rubbing at her clit with her other hand, and she can almost see Rafe’s smirk as she reaches her climax with a long, broken moan. Good fucking girl, she imagines him saying.

Kiara’s eyes snap open, her breath leaving her in rapid bursts of air. The water is starting to turn cold. Oh shit.

Well, that was certainly something different.

Chapter Text

As Kiara slips into Bio 201 on Tuesday morning, she scans the room for Rafe. It’s never been more essential to avoid him than it is now, after the events of this weekend. She doesn’t know if she can look him in the face at the moment. She doesn’t see him anywhere, so she picks a seat near the back of the classroom and pulls out her laptop. 

During the last half hour of class, the professor tells them to turn to their neighbor and discuss the weekend’s reading. As Kiara looks around to find another student to talk with, she comes face to face with Rafe’s insufferable smirk. He’s sitting behind her, so he must have slipped in sometime during class without her noticing. 

“You enjoy the rest of your weekend?” Rafe asks with faux friendliness. 

“What?” Kiara whips around to face him, feeling slightly panicked. For one irrational second, she thinks he’s talking about what she did in the shower. What she thought about.

“I said, did you enjoy yourself this weekend?” There’s a cruel glint in Rafe’s eyes. “I saw you leave the party with that degenerate Pogue,” he scoffs. 

For a moment, Kiara considers ignoring him, but a larger part of her wants to get under his skin. If he wants to go down this road, then so be it. “Don’t act like you don’t know his name,” she snaps. “And I had a very…satisfying weekend, thanks,” she finishes, putting extra emphasis on the word.

Rafe grimaces, pretending to throw up in his mouth. “Gross.”

Kiara shrugs, turning back to her desk with a flip of her curly hair. “Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to, then.”

She hears Rafe’s huff of annoyance, but to her relief he changes subjects. “Speaking of answers, did you turn in our project?”

Kiara rolls her eyes. “That’s a very generous use of the word ‘our.’ But yes, and consider yourself lucky after the stunt you pulled on Saturday. Do you have my money?” She turns around to face him again, holding out her hand.

Rafe narrows his eyes at her, but pulls an envelope out of his backpack. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re very demanding?” He asks as he hands the envelope over.

“Men always say that about powerful women. I prefer determined, maybe goal oriented?”

“Stubborn. Cutthroat,” Rafe counters.

Kiara glares at Rafe. “Is there a reason you’re still sitting so close to me? Don’t you have someone else you can bother?”

“Free country, isn’t it? Partner?” Rafe replies with a fake smile. God, he’s so irritating. 

“Not for the next few weeks, it’s not. We don’t have a project to work on, so I’d love to have as little interaction with you as possible. Bye bye,” she gives Rafe a dismissive wave before turning around, trying to find someone else to discuss with. Kiara can feel his eyes on her, but he doesn’t try to talk to her again for the rest of class.

———————————————————————

The next few weeks pass in a blur for Kiara, as her classes ramp up and her responsibilities in the conservation club increase. She’s almost able to forget about the weird stuff with Rafe completely, especially since they’re not working together in class right now. Kiara doesn’t go to parties, doesn’t drink much, and barely sees Cleo, Pope, or Sarah outside of study sessions in the library during these weeks. She’s stressed about her coursework, but she’s also stressed about the impending sale of the sea turtle conservancy. The timeline has moved up, and without intervention of some kind, the transfer of land will take place in June. The club is planning a spring fundraiser in the hopes of raising enough money to sponsor the conservancy, or at least persuade the government to match their contribution. Kiara is eager to help in whatever way she can, especially since the conservancy is so close to her hometown. 

She’s so deep in thought that she doesn’t realize Pope is trying to talk to her, until he taps on her shoulder impatiently. She blinks a few times before turning to face him.

“Earth to Kiara,” Pope says with a sigh. “Did you hear what I said?”

“No, I’m sorry,” Kiara admits. “I have a lot on my mind.” Her phone buzzes and she rolls her eyes when she sees who the message is from. 

Rafe: could I persuade you to help me out with this bio practice test?

Kiara: no

Rafe: I’d provide generous compensation. pls I’m lost

Kiara: when are u not lost? it’s still a no

She puts her phone down with a sigh. Pope looks at her, his brown eyes full of concern.

“Are you okay, Kie? I feel like you’ve been really stressed lately. Do you want to talk about it?”

Kiara waves him off. “I’m fine. Now what were you saying? Something about Cleo?”

Pope eyes her suspiciously. “You sure?”

Kiara nods, a little too forcefully. “Seriously. Let’s talk about your thing.”

Pope finally relents, since he’s eager to get Kiara’s advice. “Well, Cleo and I were talking the other day, and she said she’s not really into Halloween, so she probably won’t join for the party on Saturday. She said she thinks celebrating witchcraft and stuff like that is bad juju.” The corners of Pope’s mouth raise as he remembers, and he looks absolutely smitten. Kiara can’t help but smile at her friend being so down bad for Cleo.

“So, you want me to…..help you ditch me on Halloween?” She teases. 

“I want your help planning a date on Halloween, yes,” Pope says bashfully. 

“Stop blushing, it’s just me,” Kiara scolds, reaching over and smacking Pope lightly on the arm. “Of course I’ll help. I’m just glad you’re out of the denial phase.” Pope shoots her a look but doesn’t contradict her. Kiara tilts her head to the side, trying to think of options. “Okay, so nothing explicitly Halloween themed. Hmmm.” She snaps her fingers excitedly when an idea comes to her. “How about the planetarium? They do discounted admission on Saturdays for students, so it wouldn’t cost much. Maybe pack a picnic for dinner beforehand?”

“Do you think she’d enjoy that?”

Kiara rolls her eyes. “Duh. It’s thoughtful and romantic. But not too romantic, so you’d be able to play it off if you had to.” When Pope looks at her fearfully, she’s quick to add on, “But you won’t need to. She’s definitely into you.”

“God, I hope so. This is stressing me out,” Pope groans. “How do I ask her?” He taps his pen nervously on the table.

“Next time you see her in person, just ask her if she wants to go to this thing with you. If she asks about the party, say you’d rather do this with her than go to a stupid frat party.” Kiara shrugs. “Keep it simple.”

“What are you going to do on Halloween?” Pope asks.

“Go to a stupid frat party with Sarah,” Kiara grins. “But it snuck up on me. I have to figure out what I’m wearing.”

“Well, good luck with that. I don’t envy you,” Pope says, starting to pack up his stuff. “Do you want to head out with me? I’m exhausted.”

Rafe: checking in just in case. you sure I can’t persuade you to help me?

Kiara ignores the message. She shakes her head at Pope, pouting slightly. “Nah, you go ahead. I gotta finish up some things, especially this dumb practice test. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“In a while, crocodile!” Pope shouts on his way out.

“That’s not how that phrase goes!” Kiara yells back. 

After a few hours of plugging away, Kiara sits back in her chair, rubbing her eyes. She’s exhausted and wants to go home, but she still has some work to do on this practice test. She feels an uncharacteristic pang of homesickness, and before she can think better of it, she picks up her phone and dials her mom’s number. The phone rings for a while, and just when Kiara thinks it’s going to voicemail, her mom picks up.

“HELLO?” Anna shouts into the phone. Kiara hears the hum of multiple voices in the background. 

“Hi mom! I’m sorry, am I interrupting?” Kiara picks at a loose string on her shirt as she waits for a reply.

“Well, your father and I are out for a little date night, but I can talk for a second,” her mom replies. “How are you doing?”

Kiara takes a deep breath. “To be honest, I’m not doing amazing. I’ve been really stressed lately.”

Her mom’s reply is faint. “I’m sure you’re doing fine sweetie, you’ve always been so tough. We’re proud of you for how you’re handling everything.”

“Right,” Kiara says slowly, trying to swallow down the lump in her throat. “Well, thanks. I actually wanted to talk to you guys about this fundraiser we’re organizing for my conservation club. It’s to help save a turtle conservancy. I was wondering if you guys might be open to providing the food for-“

“You’re still involved with that club?” Her mom sighs dramatically. “What about that sorority we talked about? Have you looked into that at all?”

“No, not yet,” Kiara says quietly, feeling deflated.

“What was that, honey?” Her mom yells into the phone.

“Nothing. I said I miss you guys.”

“Thanks, honey. It’s been super quiet without you,” Anna sounds distracted, and the voices in the background have gotten louder. “Listen Kiara, I gotta go, but we’ll call again soon, okay? Look into that sorority!” Her mom hangs up before Kiara can even say goodbye, and she stares at her phone’s dark screen for a few moments. She doesn’t even know why she bothered calling. 

Before she can throw her phone onto the table, it starts buzzing again. She thinks maybe her mom is calling her back, but her heart sinks when she sees the name on the screen. Why is Rafe calling her?

She hesitates for a moment before pressing accept. “I didn’t realize we were on a calling basis,” Kiara says.

“Well hello to you too.” Rafe’s deep voice is raspy, causing the hairs on Kiara’s arms to stand up. 

“What is it Rafe?” Kiara must sound as exhausted as she feels, because Rafe pauses for a second.

“You sound tired, Kie,” his voice is quieter now, almost gentle. “Are you still at the library?”

“None of your business, Rafe! I’m not helping you with the practice test, no matter how much you try and butter me up.”

There’s a long pause, and for a second Kiara thinks Rafe might have hung up. She doesn’t know why, but she feels almost relieved when he speaks again. “Stay where you are. I’ll be there soon.”

“You don’t even know-“ Kiara begins, but Rafe has already hung up. What the hell did he mean, stay where you are? She shakes her head, deciding not to think about it. She pulls her practice test out again and tries to bury herself in the work. 

She’s not sure how much time has passed when she’s startled by the door to the room bursting open. Rafe is standing in the doorway, coffee cup in one hand, and he’s panting. Kiara simply stares at him in shock for a moment. 

“Why are you sweating?” Is all she can think to ask.

Rafe enters the room, wiping the sweat off his forehead with his sleeve as he sets the cup down in front of her. Kiara should think this is gross. She should, but she doesn’t. All she can think about is how sweaty he would be if they were fu- Kiara shakes her head sharply, trying to banish the train of thought.

“I was trying to check as many rooms as possible in the shortest amount of time. Didn’t want you to leave before I dropped this off. I don’t drink chai.” He gestures at the cup.

Kiara blinks several times, trying to process his words. “How did you know I drink chai?”

Rafe shrugs. “I’ve seen you come to class with it a bunch of times,” he says matter of factly. 

Kiara feels warmth bloom in her chest, which pisses her off. She knows this is just part of his scheme to get her to do his work, not some altruistic act. Kiara eyes Rafe suspiciously. “If you came here just to bribe me into helping you, you’re wasting your time.”

Rafe rolls his eyes as he pulls up a chair, sitting down with a huff. “That’s not why I came, Kiara.” When Kiara shoots him a skeptical look, he relents. “Okay, it’s a little why I came. But you also sounded stressed. I thought you could use a pick me up.”

Kiara stares at Rafe, trying to fight the emotion that’s rising up the back of her throat, threatening to spill over. “Why are you being nice to me, Rafe?”

Instead of responding to her question, Rafe leans forward and grips the arms of Kiara’s chair. He tugs the chair closer to his, forcing her to look at him directly.“Do you want to talk about it?” Rafe’s muscular arms are caging Kiara in, and there can’t be more than two feet of space between them. She has to remind herself to breathe, because it seems like her body has forgotten how all of a sudden. It’s too warm in this room, and Rafe is too close. 

“Talk about what?” Kiara says, clearing her throat. She’s trying to focus on anything else except for the way her knees are slightly brushing Rafe’s, and the fact that his fingertips are inches from her bare skin.

“Whatever’s bugging you,” Rafe says simply.  His blue eyes are uncharacteristically warm, and for a moment Kiara feels her resolve faltering. It would be nice to talk to someone, and she guesses Rafe is as good as anyone. Better, even, because he doesn’t know much about her life or her family. An objective third party. It could be nice to get it off her chest. 

“Well-“ Kiara begins after a deep breath, preparing to tell him. But she’s interrupted by Rafe’s phone buzzing in his pocket. 

“Shit, sorry,” he says, fishing it out of his pocket. He looks at her apologetically. “It’s Sofia. I should take this.” He stands up and takes the call, pacing across the room as he listens to Sofia. He doesn’t say much on the call, just asks a few questions and hums in acknowledgement. When he hangs up, he doesn’t sit back down. He rubs his hand over his buzzed head, looking anxious.

“Yeah, she’s smashed and pissed off about something. I should probably go and check on her.” He searches Kiara’s face intently. “Are you good?”

Kiara waves him off, trying to feign nonchalance. “I was just about to tell you that nothing was bothering me. Get out of here.”

Rafe studies her for a few more moments before nodding. “Alright,” he says, heading towards the exit. He turns around in the doorframe, looking guilty. “Do you think..”

Kiara rolls her eyes to keep from tearing up. “Yes, I’ll send you my test once I’m done. You owe me, though.”

Rafe smirks. “Perpetually.” 

Once he slips out of the room, Kiara takes a shaky breath, trying to hold it together. She listens to the ticking of the clock inside the room and tries not to focus on how totally alone she feels. 

———————————————————————

It’s not even 11 pm on Halloween night, and Kiara already wants to go home. She and Sarah have ended up at DKE once again, and Kiara is starting to realize that the only reason these parties are any fun is because she’s with all her friends at once. Sarah, aptly dressed as Tinkerbell, is fun as always, but she’s running around the party trying to bring together all her different groups of friends. Kiara appreciates the effort, but she’s not feeling incredibly social tonight, so she’s mostly keeping to herself. She’s standing by the punch bowl, getting another cup of mystery red liquid (ominously labeled ‘Dracula’s Blood’) when she receives a text from Pope. It’s a picture of Cleo, gazing through a telescope up at the night sky.

You were right. She loves it

I would say ‘I hate to say I told you so,” but that would be a lie. have fun you crazy kids xoxo

Kiara smiles. At least somebody’s having a good night. As she downs another cup of juice, she sends a text to JJ and John B in the Pogues’ group chat.

I know Pope is busy but are you two free to call soon? This party is laaaame

Kiara frowns at the answers she receives a few minutes later. 

JJ: Sorry Kie Kie, working late :(

John B: Same :/ would if I could 

Kiara sighs, tucking her phone back into her pocket. She’s contemplating leaving when Sarah slings an arm around her, startling her so badly that she almost drops her cup.

“You’re just about the most miserable hippie I’ve ever seen,” Sarah yells over the music, gesturing at Kiara’s costume and her frown.

“Jesus Sarah, you scared the shit out of me! I almost dropped my drink,” Kiara says with a laugh, swatting at her friend.

“Probably would have been doing you a favor. That shit is vile.” Sarah takes a sip from Kiara’s cup, grimacing to emphasize her point. “And speaking of favors, my dumbass roommate locked herself out of our room and I have to go let her in. I think I’m going to hit another friend’s party afterwards. You want to come with?”

Kiara shakes her head. “I appreciate it, but I think I’m just going to head home. I’ve had a long week.”

Sarah fakes a pout, but Kiara knows she’s just messing around. “Okay, well I’m going to head out now before my roommate throws a fit.”

“I’ll join you,” Kiara replies, throwing back the rest of her drink. Right as they’re exiting the house, Kiara realizes she forgot her jacket, which happens to contain her keys. She groans in frustration. “Sarah, I have to go back in and get my jacket. I left it inside.”

“Oh shoot,” Sarah says, glancing at the curb. “My Uber’s here, but I can tell them to wait,” she offers, but Kiara waves her on. 

“No, honestly, don’t even worry about it. My dorm isn’t really on the way to yours and it’s like, not even a 10 minute walk from here. You go ahead! I’ll leave as soon as I get my jacket.”

“Are you sure??” Sarah asks. “Because I can wait. It’s no problem at all.”

“I’m sure. It’ll be nice to get some air,” Kiara insists, blowing Sarah a kiss before she heads back inside. “Love you!”

“Love you too!” Sarah yells back, heading to the curb and climbing into the car. Back inside the house, Kiara elbows her way through sticky, sweaty bodies, trying to make her way back to the chair she left her jacket on.

“There you are,” she says with a huff when she finally reaches the chair. There’s a group of people playing beer pong at a table nearby, and Kiara accidentally makes eye contact with one of the people at the table. Bryce’s green eyes zero in on her before Kiara can turn around and make her exit. He walks over to her with a reptilian smile, taking a sip from his solo cup.

“Kiara! So nice to see you again. I haven’t seen you since that night Rafe was an asshole to you guys. Sorry about that again,” he apologizes, but he doesn’t look very sorry. Kiara wonders if his face is just permanently frozen in an unsettling grin.

“That’s alright,” Kiara says, forcing herself to smile. “It’s nice to see you too. I was just about to head out, though.”

“You should stay!! The party’s just getting started! We’re just about to start a new game and Megan needs a partner.” He gestures to a petite blonde at one end of the pong table, who smiles warmly at Kiara. “We don’t bite, I promise.”

Kiara is about to turn him down, but she hesitates. If she leaves the party now, she’s going to go back to an empty dorm, with no one to talk to. Her friends are all busy, and no matter how hard she tries to pretend it’s not true, she doesn’t want to be by herself right now. She’s felt so alone for the past few weeks, and it’s nice to be wanted here. Even if it is by Bryce. Plus, she’d be playing with a girl partner, and she’s only staying for one game. 

Bryce must see her resolve faltering, because he smiles and nods towards the table. “Why don’t you grab yourself a drink and come join us?”

Kiara grabs a beer and joins Megan on their side of the table, introducing herself briefly. During the first game, Kiara is tense and observant, not wanting to let her guard down around these people she doesn’t know well. She doesn’t set her drink down, even for a moment, and she watches Bryce suspiciously throughout the game. 

After a while, however, Kiara’s innate competitiveness makes her more invested in the game, and she agrees to stay for a second one after narrowly losing the first. The alcohol and the competition loosen her up, and she starts to laugh and joke around with the group. To her surprise, Kiara finds that she’s enjoying herself. She even begins to think that she may have misjudged Bryce, after all; he has a good sense of humor, he’s competitive but not obnoxious, and he’s great at beer pong. Maybe he can’t help that his face is permanently kinda creepy looking.

By the time the third game is wrapping up, Kiara has long forgotten that she was supposed to go home. She’s the kind of tipsy that’s bordering on drunk, and she’s killing this game of beer pong. After a particularly clutch shot, she sets her drink down briefly on the table, turning towards Megan and giving her an enthusiastic high five. When she turns back around, Bryce is on her side of the table, handing her the ping pong ball. 

“Here you go, killer,” he says with a grin. Kiara laughs and snatches the ball from him, raising her eyebrows at him teasingly. 

“You tired of getting pummeled at pong yet?”

“Oh, I’m just getting started,” he replies, heading back to his side of the table. Bryce watches as Kiara takes a sip of the drink that he just slipped something into, biding his time until the drug kicks in.

Chapter Text

Rafe heads down the steps of DKE back to the first floor, tucking his loose, white shirt back into his striped pants as he goes. Sofia is upstairs, and she’s about to put a similar pirate’s costume back on after getting cleaned up. He still can’t believe he let himself get roped into a couple’s costume with a person he’s not even dating. Fucking, sure, but they’re not together together. Certainly not a couple. 

As he mills about looking for a drink, Rafe says hi to a few people without sticking around to chitchat. He’s not really in the mood for pleasantries, so he leans back against a wall and observes the sea of people shifting in front of him. Before he realizes what he’s doing, he starts to scan the crowd for a head of loose, brown curls. He wonders if Kiara is here with Sarah, or if he’s already missed her. Not that it would really matter if she was here; she’d probably just avoid him anyway. He hates that he can’t shake off her disdain for him, that he cares that she dislikes him. Why does it bother him so much? 

He’s pulled out of his thoughts by one of his frat brothers tapping his arm and offering him a ping pong ball. 

Rafe stares at him for a moment in confusion. “The fuck am I supposed to do with this?”

“Do you want to play? We’re down a person. Bryce never came back downstairs.” Rafe is about to tell this guy to get lost, but his next sentence catches his attention. “I guess he’s still dealing with that super ill freshman girl that was playing with us before.”

Rafe’s head snaps towards the guy speaking, dread creeping into his stomach and making him feel sick. 

“What did you just say?”

The guy shrugs. “Some freshman girl was playing with us, but she got really dizzy and looked like she might pass out. Bryce took her upstairs to lay down.” 

Yeah right, Rafe thinks to himself, his heart rate spiking dramatically. He has a terrible feeling about this. “What did she look like?”

“Huh?”

“What did she look like, asshole?” Rafe grabs him by the collar, forcing the dude to look at him. His eyes have a manic sheen, and he’s breathing hard. 

“Jesus, calm down! Uhhhh she had curly brown hair, and she was mixed, I think? She was pretty tall for a girl? She was pretty? I don’t know, man! I wasn’t paying that close of attention.” Rafe releases him. He’s heard all he needed to hear. Shit, shit, shit.

As he fights his way through the crowd, trying to make his way back towards the stairs, he whips out his phone and dials Sarah’s number. He remembers her saying that she was planning on coming to the DKE party with Kiara tonight. 

“Pick up pick up pick up,” he mutters, elbowing people out of the way as he goes. He breathes a sigh of relief when Sarah picks up. 

“Hello?” She shouts over the music pulsing in the background. 

“Sarah, where are you?” Rafe yells back. 

“Uhhh at Phi Mu, why?”

Rafe ignores her question. “Is Kie with you?? Were you guys here earlier? Did she leave with you?”

“What?” Sarah pauses for a moment, trying to process. “We were there earlier, but no, she didn’t leave with me. She had to head back inside to get her jacket, but she said she was leaving after. What’s going on?”

Rafe hangs up without answering as he finally reaches the stairs. He takes them two at a time, squeezing past people making their way down to the first floor. His heart is pounding so hard that he can feel it in his throat. He feels like he’s going to be sick. He sprints down the hall to Bryce’s door, rattling the knob frantically. As he anticipated, it’s locked. Rafe pounds on the door, making sure it’s loud enough to be heard over the bass of the music. 

“Uhh I’m a little busy,” Bryce’s voice is faint from inside, and Rafe feels bile rising in his throat at the thought of Kiara in there with him. 

Rafe pounds on the door harder. “Bryce, open the fucking door! I know what you’re doing in there, you piece of shit! OPEN THE DOOR!!” There’s no response. Rafe takes a shaky breath, his mind racing through other options. He sprints to the closet down the hall, yanking the door open and pulling out a tool box. He returns to Bryce’s door with a hammer, and doesn’t stop to think before smashing it into the door. As the hammer breaks through the thin wood, he hears Bryce yelp in surprise.

“What the fuck?” He yells out.

Rafe brings the hammer back to the door, widening the hole so he can shove his hand through to unlock the door. He winces as he slices his arm on a piece of jagged wood, but he gets the door unlocked regardless. He shoulders the door open, stumbling through into Bryce’s room. With his bloody forearm, the hammer still in hand, and a crazed look in his eyes, Rafe has never looked more terrifying in his life. 

“Holy shit!!” Bryce shouts, jumping in alarm. “What is this, the Shining??” The sight that Rafe stumbles in on makes him so viscerally furious that it takes all of his strength not to bring the hammer down onto Bryce’s skull.

Kiara is sprawled out on her back on Bryce’s bed, writhing around sluggishly. Bryce is standing over her at the foot of his bed, and he’s stripped down to his boxers and a t-shirt. It looks like Bryce has been trying to lift up Kiara’s dress, and she takes the distraction provided by Rafe’s entrance into the room to flail her legs as best as she can. One of her feet makes contact with Bryce’s balls, causing him to double over in pain. 

Rafe drops the hammer and runs towards Bryce, shoving him so hard that he loses his balance and crashes backwards into his bookshelf, spilling novels and textbooks all over the floor.

Bryce stares up at him from the floor, rubbing his head. “What the fuck, Rafe? You two are nuts!”

“I’ll show you what nuts looks like if you ever come near her again,” Rafe spits at him. He’s so angry that his vision is blurred. He’s seeing red. “If you even so much as look at her, I’ll fucking kill you. And I won’t need a hammer to do it.”

Rafe approaches Kiara on the bed. Her eyes are closed and she’s moaning softly. He leans down slowly, not wanting to startle her and face the same fate as Bryce.

“Kiara, can you hear me? Can you say anything if you can hear me?” She moans again, but doesn’t open her eyes. “What did you do to her?” He wheels to face Bryce, his hands balled into fists. 

“Nothing!” Bryce insists, still on the ground. “Dose wasn’t strong enough, anyway,” he mutters quietly.

“The fuck did you say?” Rafe asks, his voice menacing. When Bryce says nothing in response, he turns back to Kiara. He has to get her out of here. She’s pale and sweaty, and her curly hair is sticking to the nape of her neck and the side of her face. Rafe leans over the bed and moves to scoop her up, working one arm under her legs and one under the small of her back. The sensation of him grabbing her alarms Kiara, and she starts twisting in his grip and trying to kick at him.

“Kie, Kie,” Rafe says, tightening his grip. “It’s just me, okay? It’s Rafe. I’m going to get you home.” Kiara continues to struggle, ignoring him. 

Rafe knows it’s a shot in the dark, but he does the only thing he can think to do. He leans over Kiara and presses his forehead into her sweaty temple, trying to calm her down. “It’s just me, it’s just Rafe. I got you. I’m going to take you home. I’m not going to hurt you, okay partner?” he whispers. Kiara only groans in response, but her eyelids flutter slightly and she stops struggling. Rafe sigh in relief.

He scoops her off the bed with a slight grunt, alarmed by the way her head rolls back. As he heads towards the door, he glances back at Bryce one more time. “Remember what I said. I’m not messing around. I’ll fucking end you.”

Rafe walks down the hall and struggles down the stairs with Kiara clutched securely in his arms. When he reaches the landing, he’s approached by a flabbergasted Sofia. 

“Sorry, what the fuck is going on? Why are you bleeding? Who is this random girl?”

“Sofia, I need you to shut up and help me. Can you grab my phone out of my pocket and call an uber?”

He must sound like he means it, because Sofia makes a face but does as he says. She holds the phone to his face to unlock it, then pauses for a second. “You have a bunch of missed calls and frantic texts from Sarah. Who’s Kiara?” Oh shit. Rafe forgot about hanging up on Sarah. She’s probably freaking out.

“Can you just call her back and hold the phone to my ear for a second?” Sofia rolls her eyes, so Rafe adds on quickly, “Please.”

“Rafe, what the FUCK is going on? Is Kiara alright?” Sarah sounds incredibly pissed off when she picks up the phone. Rafe doesn’t blame her. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry Sarah. She’s fine, she’s just….not feeling well.” He decides Kiara can tell Sarah if she wants, later on. “I’m putting her in an uber now. Can you tell me the name of her dorm?”

“Kaufman. She lives on the third floor. Do you need me to come and make sure she gets back okay?” Sarah sounds worried, but she also sounds incredibly drunk. She’s in no condition to traipse across campus right now.

Rafe looks down at Kiara in his arms, and shakes his head. “No, it’s alright. I’ll make sure she gets back okay. And Sarah, please be careful, okay? Get home safely.” 

The sincerity and concern in Rafe’s voice make Sarah pause. “Thanks Rafe. I will,” she says, before hanging up. 

“Thanks, Sofia. Can you call that uber now? To Kaufman hall?” Sofia does what he asks, then tucks the phone back into his pocket. 

“It’ll be here in 4 minutes. Can you please tell me what the hell is going on?”

“No time to explain,” Rafe says, starting to push his way towards the front door. “I’ll text you later.” Sofia follows him, protesting the whole way. Rafe ignores her, exiting the house and descending the porch stairs. As they approach the car, Rafe gently lowers Kiara to the ground, placing her on her feet and trying to support her weight to make it look like she’s not totally out of it. The last thing they need is this driver refusing to take them. Rafe definitely can’t carry her all the way to her dorm.

When Rafe opens the car door, the driver grunts but doesn’t tell him no. “Just make sure she doesn’t puke in my car,” is all he says, as Rafe helps Kiara into the car and climbs in after her.

“Wait Rafe! Tell me you’re not going with her??” Sofia shouts from the porch. Rafe shuts the door, telling the driver to step on it.

———————————————————————

Sometime during the fourth game of beer pong on Halloween, Kiara’s memory of the night becomes incredibly spotty. She remembers getting incredibly dizzy and drowsy all of a sudden, a feeling not unlike being submerged underwater. Everything around her felt like it was moving in slow motion, and her perception was so narrowed that it felt like she was looking at the world through a keyhole. 

From that point on, the next few hours pass in a haze, with only a few snippets of time coming into focus. She remembers being nearly dragged up a set of stairs, stumbling her way through the dark. She remembers arms trying to pin her down, remembers Bryce’s sinister green eyes hovering over her. She remembers just barely making out a familiar voice whispering to her. I’m not going to hurt you, okay partner? She remembers strong arms wrapped around her, making her feel some semblance of safety. She remembers muttering out a room number in response to the same voice pleading for her to tell him where to take her.

When she finally comes to for good, still feeling dizzy and nauseous, she shoots up in bed and tries to find something to puke into. She’s going to be sick. A trashcan enters her field of vision, held in front of her face by a vascular, ringed hand. She empties the contents of her stomach into the trashcan, before flopping back onto the bed. Her bed, she realizes. The same hand holds something else out to her, this time a bottle of water. 

“You should drink something,” a familiar voice says gently. Kiara feels intense panic rear inside of her, and she sits up again, smacking the water bottle out of Rafe’s hand and onto the floor. She’s breathing hard, and she looks around wildly in the dim room.

“Jesus, Kiara. It’s just me. You need to drink some water,” Rafe says, bending over to grab the bottle.

Kiara ignores this, studying him suspiciously from her spot on the bed. “How the fuck did I get here? What the fuck happened?”

Rafe takes a deep breath, standing awkwardly by the side of the bed. “I uh, called an uber and helped you into your room. You were pretty out of it.” He pauses for a moment, rubbing his hand over his head. “As for what happened….I don’t know exactly. I heard Bryce was upstairs with a sick freshman, and when I got into his room you were passed out on the bed. It looked like he was…..I don’t know. Trying to lift up your dress. I don’t think he got a chance to though. You both…still had clothes on.” Rafe takes a shaky breath, looking nauseous as he gives the brief explanation. “Do you remember anything?”

Kiara stares at Rafe for a few long seconds, feeling like she’s experiencing the world’s most sick and twisted deja vu. She feels like she’s in a nightmare that just won’t end, one where she thinks she’s woken up, only to realize she’s still sleeping. Trapped in it.

She grabs a pillow from her bed and starts whacking Rafe with it. He yelps in surprise, putting his hands up to protect himself.

“Fuck you and your fucking rapist friends, Rafe!! I’m going to fucking kill you!” She continues to swing at him with the pillow, even when he moves out of reach.

“Christ, Kiara! What are you talking about?? Bryce isn’t my friend, and what do you mean, friends plural?? Will you please calm down and talk to me?”

Kiara throws the pillow at him, angry tears springing into to her eyes. “No I will not CALM DOWN, asshole. I hate you so much, Rafe. Get the hell out of my room.”

Rafe raises his hands in surrender, his forehead creasing with confusion. “Kiara, I was just trying to help-“

“Well you’re not!!” She yells at him, her hair and eyes wild as she points at the door. “Get out!!”

Rafe backs towards the door, looking at Kiara with hurt and confusion. He’s about to turn around and leave to get her to calm down, but he can’t help but ask her the question that’s been nagging at him, the one that he can’t get out of his mind. 

“Why do you hate me so much, Kiara? All I did was help you out tonight!” Rafe can’t help but let a little outrage leak into his words, after everything that’s happened in the last few hours. 

Kiara lets out a wild laugh. “Oh, so I should be thanking you then? Is that it??”

“Why do you hate me so much?” Rafe asks again, taking a step towards her. His blue eyes are searching, intense.

“Why do you keep asking me that??” Kiara yells, her breathing quickening. She’s holding on to her emotions by a very tenuous thread that gets weaker every second. She needs him to leave. Right now.

“Because it bothers me!! Because I don’t understand! What did I do that was so terrible, Kiara??”

“It’s not about what you did, Rafe! It’s about what you didn’t do!” The truth finally spills out of Kiara in a rush, before she can stop it.

“What are you TALKING ABOUT?” Rafe is yelling back now, but he can’t help it. He’s exhausted, he’s upset, and he’s confused. He wants an explanation.

“Freshman year of high school, Rafe! The party during spring break, at your house!! You left me alone with Topper, when I was drunk off my ass, and he tried to fucking rape me, in YOUR guest room! His was in the process of trying to rip my goddamn underwear off when JJ burst in, and he probably would’ve gone all the way if not for me having friends that cared about me. That worried about me. Unlike YOU,” she says, pointing a shaky finger at him. “You LEFT me. You didn’t care, or you did it on purpose, even. I don’t know. And no matter how nice and caring you pretend to be now, I know. You didn’t do anything, that night. You left me.” Kiara’s whole body is shaking now, and she feels like she might collapse. She’s not sure if it’s due to her rage, or grief, or both. 

Rafe’s blue eyes widen in horror, and he feels suffocating guilt descend on him. It takes a massive effort for him to even speak through it. “Kiara, I swear, I had absolutely no idea that he was going to do that. I…I remember that party. I was pretty drunk too, but I swore that Sarah was with you when I left the room. I had to go throw up, and I was so desperate to get to the bathroom. But I swore that you weren’t alone with him. I had no idea, Kie, I swear. But I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Kie. I didn’t know.” Rafe feels his eyes start to water, but he refuses to let any of the tears fall. This isn’t about him. This is about Kiara, about what she’s been through. In places that he’s responsible for. He approaches her slowly, holding his hands up in surrender. He doesn’t want to upset Kiara further, but he wants her to be able to see his face. To see the sincerity in his eyes so that she knows he’s telling the truth.

“Don’t fucking come near me. You’re lying, Rafe.” But Kiara looks unsure, and her big brown eyes are searching his face, like she’s looking for proof.

“I’m not, Kie. I promise I’m not. But I’m so sorry. It never should have happened. Any of it.”

Kiara stares at him angrily for a few more seconds, before her face crumples and she collapses into ragged sobs. She curls in on herself on top of the bed, making her look vulnerable, small, and very, very young. Before he can second guess it, Rafe is sitting beside her on the twin bed, gathering her into his arms. Kiara flinches and stiffens, but she doesn’t pull away. After a few moments, she lets herself lean into Rafe and buries her head in his neck as she continues to cry. Rafe feels her tears run down his neck, wetting the collar of his shirt. He closes his eyes as he rocks her gently, his heart clenching at every sob that racks her body.

“I’m so sorry,” Rafe whispers, knowing it’s not enough, but wanting to say something, anything to try and comfort her. He’s not sure how long they stay like that, but eventually Kiara’s flow of tears lessens, and she starts to sniffle in earnest. Rafe untangles himself from her, getting up to grab some tissues and the water bottle.

He holds them both out, shaking the bottle at her. “Please drink some water.” Kiara nods slowly, wiping her eyes and nose before chugging the bottle of water. As she sits back up from tossing the tissues and bottle into the trash can, Rafe can see that her eyelids are drooping, even as she’s still upright.

“Get some rest now, okay? We’ll figure everything out in the morning.” Kiara nods, slowly climbing under the covers and nestling into the pillow.

“Will you stay here?” Her voice is so muffled by the pillow that Rafe almost misses it. When he realizes what she’s requesting, his heart lurches into his throat. 

“Yeah. I’m not going anywhere.” Rafe pulls the comforter over Kiara as she falls quickly asleep, her breathing regulating and her tear-stained face relaxing. After hesitating for a moment, Rafe reaches up and pushes her damp hair out of her face, tucking it behind her shoulder. 

Rafe grabs the pillow that was thrown at him from where it lies a few feet away, and tries to make himself as comfortable as possible on the floor of Kiara’s dorm room. It takes a while, but the gentle sound of her breathing eventually lulls him into a dreamless sleep.

———————————————————————

Rafe is awoken in the morning by Kiara’s extended groan. He sits up stiffly, and when he stretches his entire body cracks. He peers at the clock on Kiara’s nightstand; it’s only 8 a.m.

“Jesus, was that your body that made those sounds?” Kiara mutters, looking at him out of one squinted eye. “Do I have that to look forward to in old age?”

“Ha ha. We’ll see who’s laughing when you turn 21,” Rafe says, rubbing his eyes. “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” Kiara says, letting out another moan. “Like I’ve been run over by a truck full of concrete.”

“We should probably get some food and water into you. You emptied the entire contents of your stomach last night, after all,” Rafe nods at the trash can across the room.

“Is THAT what that smell is? You couldn’t have at least put it outside, or something?”

Rafe rolls his eyes. “Sorry that my housekeeping duties aren’t up to your standards. There was a lot going on last night. Do you think you can get up to get some food?” Kiara is lying spreadeagled on her bed, facing the ceiling. She takes a deep breath before pushing herself into a sitting position.

“Yeah, I can do it. Dining hall?”

“Nah. Let’s go to the diner near campus. My treat.” Kiara eyes him skeptically before nodding and swinging her legs off of the bed.

“Okay, wait outside while I put some different clothes on. And brush my teeth, god. I’m disgusting.”

Rafe chuckles and heads out the door. “Don’t make me wait too long.”

30 minutes later, the pair finally settle into a booth at the rustic diner near campus. It’s fairly crowded on Sunday mornings, but the early hour means that there’s still plenty of space for them. Kiara’s hair is thrown up in a bun and she has sunglasses on, ones that she has still not removed now that they’re indoors. 

“Dude, can you take the sunglasses off? You look like a strung out 80’s singer.”

“No I cannot, unless you want me to puke again,” Kiara replies, opening her menu. “Everything is too bright.”

When the waitress comes to take their order, Kiara orders hot coffee with cream and sugar, and a stack of pancakes with scrambled eggs. Rafe orders hot coffee with cream, no sugar, and the All-American breakfast. The waitress brings out their coffees first, along with two large glasses of water. Kiara gulps hers down greedily before the waitress even has a chance to leave, and she refills the cup with a slight chuckle.

After she leaves, they sit in silence for a while, not looking at each other. Kiara grips her coffee between both hands, taking tiny sips of the steaming liquid. Rafe drinks his own coffee as well, trying to sneak looks at Kiara without her noticing. A difficult challenge, considering the fact that he can’t see her eyes. Eventually, she sighs and pushes the sunglasses to the top of her head. 

“You’re staring,” she says, one corner of her mouth lifting slightly.

“I’m not,” Rafe protests, but he blushes. “Just checking in.”

Kiara sighs. “Well stop,” she says, but there’s no venom in her words. “So what exactly did you see last night, Rafe?”

Rafe taps on his cup nervously. “Kie….”

“Don’t bullshit me Rafe. I need to know. What happened? How did you find me?”

Rafe takes a deep breath before starting from the beginning, when his frat brother offered him the ping pong ball. He tells everything as best as he can, right up until the moment Kiara kicked Bryce in the balls. 

“You were pretty out of it, but you still got him good. It was impressive,” Rafe says, trying desperately to lighten the mood. 

It doesn’t work. Kiara doesn’t smile, just continues sipping her coffee and staring down at the table. “Then what?”

“I shoved Bryce to the ground and helped you out of the room, even though you fought me on it. I brought you downstairs and Sofia helped me call an uber. I got your dorm name from Sarah.”

“Does she know what happened?” Kiara grimaces at the thought. 

“No, I just told her you were out of it. I thought you would tell her yourself, if you wanted to. Later on.”

Kiara almost smiles. “Thanks. One thing I was thinking about though…if I was barely conscious, how did you get me out of the house and into my room?”

“I uh, I carried you,” Rafe says, scratching his head in embarrassment.

Kiara raises her eyebrows. “Like, over your shoulder? Like a baby? Bridal style?”

Rafe breaths out a laugh. “I guess bridal style, if I had to call it anything.”

Kiara clears her throat, adjusting herself in her seat. “I guess I should…well I guess I should thank you, Rafe. You didn’t have to help me. I know that. I know that it was probably a lot. I’m sorry.” She plays with the rim of her cup, refusing to look at him.

“Don’t apologize Kiara, seriously,” Rafe says, running his hands over his head. “If anything, I’m the one that should be sorry. Based on what I think I heard Bryce say…I mean, it sounds like he drugged you. And it happened at my frat. It’s disgusting. I’m so sorry,” he repeats, the words sounding pathetic even to his own ears.

Kiara looks up from her coffee, her warm, amber eyes suddenly very intense. “Has Bryce done this before? Did you know about another incident, or something? You told me not to trust him. You seemed to really hate him, even before this.” Her eyes are searching his face intently.

“No, god no. I mean, I never liked him, that’s true. I always thought there was something off about him. And I used to hear girls calls him weird and creepy and stuff like that, but nothing…more than that.” Kiara just nods, staring over Rafe’s shoulder into the distance.

“Do you think you want to report it?” Rafe asks softly. “We don’t have to talk about it yet, if you don’t want,” he adds when she’s silent for a while. They’re interrupted by the waitress setting down the plates of food, making Rafe’s stomach rumble loudly. They eat without talking, but the familiar diner sounds, like the clink of silverware and the murmur of the other patrons, are comforting. Kiara feels her body relax more with every passing minute in the diner. When they’ve both finished their food and the waitress has refilled their coffees, Kiara finally answers his question.

“I’m not sure,” Kiara starts slowly. “I don’t think he should get away with what he did, but I’m not sure I want to subject myself to all that. Filing a complaint, the hearing, all that stuff that I assume would come with it. It would be like reliving it, over and over. Retraumatizing myself over and over. And for what? A slap on the wrist? They never do anything.” She picks at her napkin, throwing little pieces onto her plate. “I told the counselor at the Kook high school about what Topper did to me, you know. I was having a really hard time with it.” Kiara looks up at Rafe, her eyes blazing. “Do you know what she said to me? First she asked me if I was ‘sure’ it had really happened, and then she told me it was probably better to deal with it in private. She gave me a few pamphlets about coping strategies.” Kiara’s laugh is humorless. “I didn’t know this at the time, but it was because Topper’s grandfather is a judge. I guess the rules don’t apply to everyone equally, huh? After that, I didn’t tell anyone else besides the Pogues. Not even my parents. But that was my final straw. I left the Kook high school after that.” Kiara’s eyes are shiny, but she doesn’t let any tears fall. Not here, not in the light of day.

“Jesus, Kie,” Rafe says, searching for the right words, eventually deciding that they haven’t been invented yet. “People really suck, don’t they?” It’s the best he can come up with. Rafe reaches out a hand to comfort her, but he thinks better of it at the last moment. He retracts his hand and places it awkwardly back in his lap. Kiara laughs at the nervous gesture, a real one this time.

“Mostly Kooks,” Kiara responds, raising an eyebrow. Waiting to see if he’ll react.

“You know what. I’m going to let that slide, just this once. But don’t get used to it.” 

After Rafe pays the bill, they slowly walk back to campus, enjoying the temperate fall morning. Rafe’s arms are swinging loosely by his sides, and he tries not to notice how his body reacts when his hand brushes Kiara’s every now and then. Her skin is soft, smooth, and warm to the touch. He pushes away thoughts of how soft her skin would be in other places, how it would feel if her skin was pressed against his own.

“You know, our next project for bio is coming up soon.” Kiara’s voice nearly makes him jump. They’re nearing her dorm now, with hordes of hungover, sluggish students making their way out into the late morning sun.

“Yeah, I saw. My wallet is already hurting,” Rafe jokes. 

Kiara stops walking and turns to face him, suddenly serious. “How would you like to actually know what you’re doing?”

“Is this like, a genie situation? Because that would be great, but I can’t say knowing biology is at the top of my list.”

Kiara rolls her eyes. “Shut up, dummy. I’m saying, do you want me to teach you biology? I can tutor you.” Kiara stands with her hands on her hips as she waits for an answer, giving off major teacher vibes already.

Rafe blinks several times in surprise. “Kie, I wouldn’t ask that of you. You already have a lot on your plate. If this is about like … feeling like you owe me or something, I promise you don’t.” 

Kiara scoffs, seeming a lot more like her normal self. “Trust me, I’m not doing this out of the goodness of my heart. I need service hours for one of my scholarships. You sign off on the tutoring hours, I tutor you. It’s simple. You can also pay me, if that helps soothe your conscience.”

Rafe squints at Kiara, his hands clasped under his chin as he looks at her. “You’re not fucking with me?”

“Nope. I think you’re underestimating how much getting to flaunt my biology knowledge over you will boost my ego,” Kiara replies with a playful smirk. 

“Like that needs any boosting,” he teases back. “But alright, you have a deal.” He steps forward and sticks out a hand to shake on it. Kiara rolls her eyes, but she steps towards Rafe and grabs his hand with her own. 

“Deal,” she says, her eyes finding his while they shake. Rafe realizes that this is the most they’ve ever touched while sober. He thinks about holding Kiara close last night, about the feeling of her face pressed into his neck, and for one crazy moment he wants to close the gap between them. He craves a closeness that they can’t explain away, one that isn’t driven by drunkenness or pain.

Kiara clears her throat, taking a step back from him. “I’m the most free on Wednesdays, does that work? 7 pm?”

“I’ll be there.”

“Don’t be late. Partner.” Kiara smiles at him one more time before walking away, her dimples peeking out from her round cheeks. As Rafe watches her walk away, he’s struck with the feeling that he’s about to get way more than he bargained for. 

Chapter Text

It’s 9 p.m. a few Wednesdays later, and Kiara is wondering if Rafe has undiagnosed ADHD. They’ve been in this study room for hours, and he has yet to grasp the concept of cellular fermentation. She was patient with him at first, but with every minute that ticks by she wants to strangle him a little more. Rafe is currently sitting with his feet propped up, scrolling on his phone. Kiara stares at him for several seconds. He doesn’t look up. Finally, she reaches over and knocks his phone into his lap.

“Dude! What the hell??” Rafe exclaims. “I was using that.”

Kiara ignores his complaint, pushing her notes towards him in exasperation. “Can you at least TRY to get this?? If you just focused, you could grasp it easily. It’s really not that hard.”

“Gee, that makes me feel so much better.”

Kiara rolls her eyes, refusing to take the bait. “You’re not even trying, Rafe.”

“That’s not true! I’ve been trying for hours now. I’m doing my best,” Rafe insists earnestly, drawing a disbelieving snort from Kiara.

“Oh, you’re doing your best, are you? I’ve literally watched you scroll Instagram for the past 10 minutes. You’re wasting my time.” Kiara starts to pack up her things with a huff. If Rafe isn’t even going to meet her halfway, she’s not going to waste her energy. It’s been a tough couple months as it is, and she doesn’t need this on her plate when she has other things to worry about.

“Wait, Kie, don’t leave,” Rafe says, putting his feet back on the ground and sitting up straight.

“I have better things to do than watch you not give a shit about this, Rafe. If you just wanted me to do your work for you, we could have kept our other arrangement.” Kiara tries to shove Rafe out of the way, but he grips her elbow to keep her from leaving the room. She looks down at his hand wrapped around her arm, at the way his fingers are so long that they touch each other, and her face heats. Rafe follows her gaze and quickly drops his hand.

“Kiara, wait. I’m sorry, alright? The truth is that I got…I got frustrated, okay? Biology just doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Most of the stuff we’re talking about I can’t see, I can’t even feel it, so I can’t visualize it. It doesn’t click for me. I know I sound like, a kid, or an idiot for saying that, so I didn’t want to admit it sooner.” He looks down at the ground, fiddling with his rings as he talks.

Kiara eyes him skeptically for a few moments, then turns around and plops heavily into her chair. “I get it, Rafe. Everyone has different strengths, and everyone learns differently. I just wish you would have told me sooner. I’m tired as fuck now.” She gives him a weary smile.

Rafe sits down next to her, looking sheepish. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I can finish this week’s work on my own.”

Kiara shoots him a look from the corner of her eye. “No, you can’t. Take a picture of my homework so we can get out of here.” Rafe pulls out his phone and snaps a picture, and Kiara shoves the papers into her backpack before standing up. “I’ll text you next Wednesday before we meet up. I think we’re going to try something a little different.”

———————————————————————

The following Wednesday evening, Kiara is walking with Sarah after eating at the dining hall, trying to kill time before her tutoring session with Rafe. It’s a crisp mid-November afternoon, with the autumn chill finally trickling down from the colder northern states and settling over campus like a gentle frost. The leaves seem indecisive in the mild cold, with some clinging stubbornly to the trees while others litter the ground in crisp sheets, having long given up. She thinks this weather will do just fine for her purposes today.

Meet me in front of the library a little before 3:30. And bundle up.

She sends the text to Rafe, and when she looks up Sarah is smirking at her.

“What?” Kiara asks, pocketing her phone. She feels it buzz with a response from Rafe, but she doesn’t bother to check and see what it says.

“Nothing,” Sarah says, trying to suppress her smile. “It just seems like you’ve worked things out with Rafe, that’s all.”

Kiara rolls her eyes. “I just finally gave up and agreed to help him learn bio. If he can learn bio. It’s quid pro quo. I’m getting service hours from it.”

“Uh huh,” Sarah replies, seemingly unconvinced. “I also recall that he seemed awfully worried about you on Halloween.” Kiara’s stomach drops at the mention of that night, a sort of icy panic gripping her insides. She’s strategically dodged any questions about Halloween, always brushing her friends off and redirecting them to talk about their own nights. She doesn’t want to talk about this now. Potentially ever. “What happened that night, anyway? I don’t think you’ve ever said. How did you end up getting so drunk? I felt terrible about leaving you.” Sarah frowns, and Kiara scrambles to think of a way to change the topic.

“No, don’t feel bad. I saw someone I knew from one of my classes and ended up having another drink or two. I didn’t eat much that night so I think that’s why I was so out of it,” Kiara lies. She feels a twinge of guilt for the blatant lie, but it’s easier to handle than the nausea they grips her when she thinks about the truth. Sarah opens her mouth to respond, but Kiara cuts her off before she can ask more questions. “Hey, by the way, I wanted to ask. Are you going home for Thanksgiving? My parents were asking about my plans.”

“No, I don’t think so. My dad wanted me to, but winter break literally starts the next week after exams. I feel like it makes more sense to just wait to go home.” Kiara breathes an internal sigh of relief. It seems like her redirection has worked.

“Yeah, same. I was thinking maybe we could have a little thing with the group? Pope and Cleo? Maybe try and find a way to include John B and JJ?” Kiara asks.

“Yeah, that sounds fun,” she responds. Sarah blushes a deep red at the mention of John B, a fact which Kiara takes note of. She’ll have to investigate it at a later time, though; right now she needs to get everything ready for her tutoring session with Rafe.

“I’ll catch you later, okay? I have to go tutor your dumb brother.” Kiara grimaces, even though she’s secretly a little bit excited for what she has planned.

Sarah gives her a conspiratorial smile that Kiara does not appreciate. “Have fun on your study date!” Sarah calls after her. Kiara flashes her a quick middle finger.

“Not a date! More like community service!” She responds, heading towards the library and away from Sarah’s knowing smile.

When she arrives at the library steps at 3:20, Rafe is already waiting for her, sitting with his back propped against one of the statues that flank the library. He flashes her a lopsided smirk before rising to his feet in one fluid motion. Kiara sometimes forgets that Rafe is an athlete until she sees him demonstrate such precise control over his body, even in casual situations like this.

“You’re here already? I thought I was going to have to wait on you,” Kiara teases as Rafe approaches.

“Well your cryptic message made me nervous,” Rafe replies. “Are we not just going into the library today? Why are we meeting so early?”

“We are not,” Kiara confirms, eyeing Rafe’s outfit disapprovingly. He’s dressed casually in jeans and a sweatshirt, the hood peeking out from underneath his light windbreaker. The jacket is a deep emerald color that makes his blue eyes stand out even more than usual.  “And we’re meeting early so that we have daylight to work with, before it gets even colder. I thought I told you to bundle up?”

“Well, you never answered my text when I asked if a windbreaker was okay,” Rafe says pointedly.

“Don’t even try to blame me!” Kiara exclaims, outraged.

“And anyway,” Rafe continues, ignoring Kiara, “this is dressing warm for me.” Kiara shrugs, and starts to walk away from the library with purposeful strides.

“It’s your funeral,” she calls out over her shoulder. She smiles to herself as Rafe jogs to catch up.

“My what? Where exactly are we going?” He sounds slightly alarmed. Good , Kiara thinks smugly.

“On a little field trip. You’ll see.”

They walk in easy silence until they reach the edge of campus, where the flat, grassy ground starts to slope down gently towards a dry creek bed. They follow a well-worn path down the gentle hill, crunching on freshly fallen leaves that litter the ground unevenly. Rafe grumbles as he periodically shakes soggy ground from his New Balances, but he doesn’t complain directly to Kiara.

She looks over her shoulder from a few steps in front of him, laughing at the sight. “Not a big fan of the outdoors? Were you never in like, Boy Scouts or something?”

Rafe stops walking for a moment, looking at Kiara incredulously. “Do I seem like I was in Boy Scouts?” Kiara shrugs, enjoying getting on his nerves.

“Kinda,” she replies. As they reach the creek bed, Kiara comes to a stop beside a young Southern Magnolia tree. Rafe approaches slowly, his sharp blue eyes regarding Kiara warily.

“Did you say this was my funeral because you brought me out here to kill me where no one can hear me scream?”

Kiara rolls her eyes, giving Rafe a playful shove on the shoulder. “First of all, we’re like, 20 feet from campus. I’m pretty sure people would hear you scream. Second of all, I brought you here to help give you some perspective.”

“Perspective.” Rafe repeats, like he’s never heard the word before. “Right.” He has no idea what she’s talking about.

Kiara continues like he didn’t speak. “I come here sometimes in the warmer weather, to be by myself, or to think. I love how nature surrounds me on every side out here. It’s so peaceful.” She continues to talk, her eyes distant and dreamy. “Even now that winter is coming, it’s still so beautiful. So alive.” Rafe watched as she pulls a dying leaf from the Southern Magnolia tree, pinching it delicately between her fingers. She regards the leaf warmly, almost lovingly. “You said biology is hard for you to grasp, right? Because you can’t see it? You can’t visualize it?”

“Yeah?” Rafe realizes he’s been holding his breath while watching her and listening to her speak. His body is tense as she closes the gap between them, holding the leaf out for him to take. He hesitates, fearing what his touch might do, fearing that the leaf might crumble in his careless hands. Kiara presses the leaf into his palm, her fingertips kissing the rough skin. She looks at him intently, her brown eyes that much warmer against the gloomy backdrop of the winter afternoon.

“We’re learning about photosynthesis and cellular respiration this week, right? Forget about all the complicated diagrams, about the equations and all that. Just look around you. Look at the trees. Look at us. Our cells are so different, but so dependent on each other. Fermentation and photosynthesis are opposites, but they’re incredibly intertwined. The plants take the light from the sun and make oxygen and glucose, and our cells take that glucose and oxygen and give carbon dioxide and water right back to the plants. The cycle goes on forever. It all exists together, you see?” Kiara looks at Rafe again, her eyes shining. She holds out her arms, spinning around in a circle. Rafe feels a rush of affection like nothing he’s ever known as he watches her twirl, her eyes squeezed shut, her wild brown hair spilling over her shoulders. She looks freer than he’s ever seen her, uninhibited in this peaceful place. He feels like he’s being granted a rare peek at the depths of her soul.

“Biology is everything. It’s the harmony of everything you see around you, from the sun in the sky to the wind in the trees, from you to me, from our cells to the cells in this leaf. Biology is all around us. It’s life itself. It’s beautiful, and it’s terrifying,” Kiara finishes, finally opening her eyes. She looks at Rafe like she’s just remembered that he’s standing in front of her.

“Yeah,” Rafe says, his voice barely more than a whisper. “It is.” He’s looking right at Kiara as he says it. He can barely control the emotion rising fast within him, can barely keep it from spilling out into the open. He searches desperately for a way to calm the tide. “I wish I had the passion you do, for all this,” Rafe continues, surprising himself with his honesty. It’s something he’s often thought but didn’t think he would ever admit out loud.

Kiara looks at him for a moment, trying to decide how to respond. “Well, what are you passionate about?” She finally asks, her head titled to the side. When Rafe hesitates for a moment, she barks out a short laugh.

“What’s funny?” Rafe says gruffly, defensively. He feels like she’s laughing at him.

“I just realized that after all these months, I don’t even know what your major is. Kinda seems like I should know.” Rafe softens, a smile settling over his features.

“Yeah well, it’s not like I’m very keen on talking about it. I’m a physical sciences major,” Rafe shrugs, looking indifferent. “As you can see, it’s going super well.”

Kiara laughs lightly, but the sound is swallowed quickly by the dense tree cover surrounding them. “Why that major? If you’re not that into it?”

Rafe sighs, dropping down onto a nearby tree stump. Kiara follows suit, angling her body so it points in Rafe’s direction. “My dad. I wanted to major in business, maybe even law, help out with the family business eventually. But my dad wasn’t having it. He said that he always wanted more for me, to be a doctor like he always dreamed about but could never quite make a reality. He pushed me pretty hard on it, and I didn’t really push back.” He picks at the bark beneath him, chipping off small bits as he talks. “It’s weird how quickly our parents’ dreams can turn into our own.“

“Yeah, I guess,” Kiara says slowly. “I think my parents always knew I was a lost cause. I couldn’t help but push back against what they wanted for me. I still can’t,” she lets out a small, bitter laugh.

“Nah. I think you’re probably just stronger than I am,” Rafe replies, studying her with his intense eyes. She swallows harshly. The moment is broken when Rafe shudders violently, his teeth chattering in the brisk wind.

Kiara rolls her eyes. “You feeling cold over there, Boy Scout?”

“If you’re going to say I told you so, I really don’t want to hear it. Nobody likes a know it all.”

“Would you like this know it all if I told you that I came prepared with hot cocoa?” Rafe looks up at her so hopefully that Kiara can’t help but smile.

“No way. Did you really?”

“I did. I knew I couldn’t trust you to come prepared,” Kiara teases, pulling a thermos and a purple knitted scarf out of her backpack. Rafe scoffs when he sees the scarf.

“Just the cocoa is fine. I don’t need your granny scarf.”

“First of all, rude. My granny worked hard on this scarf. And second of all, no you’re not. I can literally hear your teeth chattering from over here.”

Kiara ignores his protests and closes the gap between their stumps by leaning forward, placing the thermos in Rafe’s hands and wrapping the scarf around his neck with gentle but sure hands. Rafe can feel her warm breath on his neck as she works, and goosebumps erupt all over his shivering body. When she finishes with the scarf and pulls back, her eyes flit briefly to Rafe’s lips before she settles back on her own stump. “Better?”

Rafe nods, unable to form words. He takes small sips from the steaming thermos, and he passes the cocoa to Kiara after drinking some of it. They sit like that for a while, avoiding eye contact as they pass the thermos back and forth. The faint light filtering in through the trees gets even weaker, as the evening sun struggles to reach them through the thick canopy. Eventually, Rafe clears his throat.

“Thanks for this. Thanks for forcing me to look at things a little differently.” He stares straight ahead as he says it, too embarrassed to look at Kiara.

“It’s not like I had much of a choice. You’re hopeless,” Kiara replies, but he can hear the smile in her voice. When he turns back she’s looking at him intently, her bright eyes appearing to scan his face for something. He’s not sure what it is, and before he can figure it out she grabs her backpack and stands up, nodding in the direction of campus. “Shall we? Before we get attacked by whatever creatures out here are nocturnal?”

“Don’t need to tell me twice,” Rafe responds, dusting off the back of his pants and heading towards the slope of the bank. As he turns back to ask Kiara about this week’s homework, he watches her trip over a concealed root a few feet away from him. 

“Shit!” Kiara’s calls out, unable to stop her own momentum. She lurches forward, open thermos in hand, and Rafe moves without thinking to interrupt her fall. He rushes forward and his hands shoot out to brace her body, one gripping her shoulder and the other wrapping firmly around her waist. Kiara’s eyes widen as Rafe stops the inertia of her body’s downward motion, the cocoa sloshing in the thermos. She feels his fingers digging into the soft flesh of her waist where her cropped jacket has risen up slightly. As Rafe looks down at his own hand on her waist, Kiara feels desire ignite her insides, radiating out from the hand on her hip and spreading throughout the rest of her body. She takes a deep breath to try and steady herself, but it feels like she’s breathing in hot air.

“Thanks,” she says gently, swallowing down a lump in her throat. “Saved the cocoa,” she jokes weakly, still leaning against Rafe. As he lifts her gently so that she’s fully standing again, his breath comes out in harsh puffs. Like the exertion of holding Kiara up is exhausting him; or maybe it’s the effort of holding himself back. His fingers are so, so close to her waistband.

Rafe clears his throat again and drops his hands like Kiara might burn him. “Thank god. The walk home would be miserable without it.”

It turns out that their journey back to campus is mostly silent and a little awkward, with neither Rafe nor Kiara wanting to acknowledge what happened but also not knowing what to talk about instead. Kiara has no idea what to say next, how to move past it. Especially when the feeling of Rafe’s fingers on her waist is replaying on a loop in her mind.

As they approach Kiara’s dorm, Rafe finally breaks the silence. “So, I’ll see you next week?” He scratches at his head anxiously, waiting for a response.

Kiara shakes her head. “Nah, next week is the day before Thanksgiving, so we’ll take the day off I assume? We can meet up on Sunday to cram for the midterm though, if you want. Just let me know.” Kiara slings her backpack over her shoulder, preparing to head inside.

“Alright,” Rafe says, wanting to do something with his hands, wanting to cut this awkwardness somehow. “Sounds good. Have uh, have a good thanksgiving, I guess.” He gives her a weak wave as she moves towards the dorm steps.

She turns around at the base of the steps, a bemused smile on her face. “It’s a colonizer holiday.” She turns around and heads up the steps, throwing him a middle finger without looking back.

———————————————————————

It’s early on Thanksgiving night, and the Pogues are putting the final touches on their DIY Thanksgiving meal. Most of the students in Kiara’s dorm are home for the holiday, so they have the kitchen and large table in the dining area to themselves. Kiara brings the pot of Kraft mac and cheese to the table, where it joins the veggie burgers they snuck out of the dining call, the chicken tenders from the sports bar nearby, and the bagged salad that they bought from the store and hurriedly threw together. Kiara also splurged on some store-bought pumpkin pie, making the Pogues ooo and ahhh as she sets it down on the table, making her laugh. It’s not much, but it’s enough to be eating this meal with each other.

JJ and John B are present via video call, with each of them propped up against a seat at the table on one of the others’ phones. It’s silly and a little chaotic, with feedback echoing through the phones when they mess up and speak at the same time, but Kiara is just happy that her family can be together, even in this way. Kiara, Pope, Cleo, and Sarah raise their plastic cups of cheap wine and JJ and John B solemnly lift their cans of beer for the toast.

“Let me?” John B asks, clearing his throat already.

“Here we go,” Pope groans, but he’s laughing. No one objects, so John B takes a deep breath before launching into his favorite toast.

“There are good ships and wood ships, and ships that sail the sea,” he starts off seriously, a stern look on his face. Kiara has to stifle a giggle. “But the best ships are friendships…” John B pauses here, indicating that he wants his friends to finish with him. “and may they always be!” Everyone shouts in unison, laughing and knocking their cups together.

“Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!” JJ shouts with a whoop.

“I love you idiots,” Kiara laughs as she sets her cup down. “Happy indigenous people’s day,” she says, looking at JJ pointedly. As the Pogues dig into their food, laughing and catching up, Kiara doesn’t miss the way that Cleo gravitates towards Pope, always touching him lightly or trying to make him laugh. Pope doesn’t lean away from her advances, but he’s not leaning into them, either. He’s certainly not initiating anything, Kiara notes with a frown.

Later on, when the dinner is winding down, someone brings up one of the various frat parties from earlier this semester, and Kiara thinks about Rafe against her will. Where is he tonight? Is he alone?

“Speaking of frats, what’s Rafe up to today? Did he go home?” She asks before she can think better of it, directing the question at Sarah and trying to sound casual. Sarah shrugs, apparently not thinking much of the question.

“Nah, he’s doing dinner with the frat. They usually have a little something every year.”

Kiara nods, surprised at how relieved she feels that he’s not alone. She’s ready to change the subject, but it seems like JJ is not quite ready to move on.

“Why do you care what Rafe’s doing anyway?” JJ asks, his faint voice sounding vaguely accusatory. Kiara flushes at his tone, wishing she hadn’t said anything.

“I was just wondering, since Sarah was here. Just curious.” She picks at her food, avoiding JJ’s piercing gaze that she can feel even through the phone.

“Yeah, didn’t you hear, JJ? Kiara buried the hatchet with Rafe. She’s tutoring him in Bio now,” Pope says with a grimace. It seems like JJ isn’t the only one with opinions about Rafe. Not that she can blame them.

“What?! That guy is such an asshole, Kiara. You shouldn’t be alone with him.” JJ’s voice is a little too loud and a little too sharp, bordering on something like possessive. Kiara looks around at her friends, embarrassed as they shoot quick glances at each other.

“Chill out, everyone, we’re not like, buddies or anything. He’s paying me, and I get service hours for it. It’s a win win,” she explains calmly, shrugging dismissively.

“Sounds like you’re losing if you have to hang out with Rafe,” JJ grumbles, and now Kiara is starting to get mad. She shoots JJ a withering look, and he finally drops it. Cleo (bless her), jumps in and asks about the boys’ upcoming exams, successfully diverting the attention away from the weird dynamic between Kiara and JJ.

When dinner finally wraps up, Cleo and Sarah start to play Rummy at the table (while John B and JJ watch and cheer them on). Kiara starts gathering plates from the table, carrying them over to the sink and opening the dishwasher. After she rinses and loads the first few of the dishes, she feels a tap on her shoulder. Pope is holding out his hand, offering to help load the dishwasher. Kiara smiles and hands him a plate, falling into a rhythm without having to say a word. After a few minutes of easy silence, cheers and yells erupt from the table behind them, making Kiara chuckle. She leans in closer to Pope before speaking, even though they’re probably out of earshot from the girls.

“So dude, what’s going on with you and Miss Cle? I haven’t heard many updates since Halloween.” Pope flushes a dark scarlet color, and says nothing. Kiara bumps him with her shoulder.

“She’s literally all over you. Don’t tell me you don’t see it. Anyone with eyes can see it.”

“I don’t know,” Pope admits with a sigh. “Things have been good. But I’m so….in my head. I’m so anxious about everything I do, if it’s the right thing, how she’ll react. We haven’t even kissed yet, even though I want to. What if she doesn’t want that? Or any of it?” Pope’s eyes are wide and worried, and he taps at a plate in his hands. Kiara softens, feeling for her anxious friend.

“She wants to kiss you. Trust me, especially as a fellow girl. You just need to trust what you feel, Pope. Let your body do the rest.” Pope seems to consider this as he turns back to the dishwasher, deep in thought. Kiara thinks about telling him that this is easier said than done, that she’s kind of a hypocrite if she’s really honest with herself. She thinks about two pairs of blue eyes staring at her, one warm and one cool. She knows how hard it is to trust what you feel.

———————————————————————

It’s early on Sunday afternoon, and Kiara is cursing herself for waiting until the last minute. Her conservation club’s White Elephant is tomorrow night, and she doesn’t have anything for it. She’s going to have to make the long and difficult trek on public transit to the nearby mall to pick something up. As she gets ready to leave, her phone buzzes with a text from Rafe.

Yo, you still good to study today? I’m nervous as shit for this exam.

ugh, I’m sorry to ask but can we push to later? I have to get a dumb white elephant gift so gotta trek to the mall.

As she ties her shoes she receives two unexpected texts in response, and they stir up something traitorous in the pit of her stomach. She quickly shoves the feeling down.

That’s actually perfect because I have to get a dumb secret Santa gift.

I’ll pick you up in my car and we can go together? Study after?

I’ll be waiting , she types back, her lips lifting into the ghost of a smile.

15 minutes later Kiara pushes through the front door of her dorm, where she sees Rafe’s Range Rover waiting at the curb. She rolls her eyes as she hops into the passenger seat, even though he’s technically doing her a favor.

“So this is how the other half lives,” she says disdainfully as he shifts the car into drive. Rafe shoots her a look that she can see even with his eyes obscured by his Ray Bans.

“You don’t ever give it a rest, do you? May I remind you that your parents live on Figure 8? Don’t act like Oliver Twist,” Rafe retorts.

Kiara shrugs. “Maybe, but I’m still not parading around in my Range Rover, contributing to our carbon emission crisis.”

“I’m sorry, the guy parading around in his environment-destroying vehicle could drop you at the bus stop, if you’d like. Just say the word.” Kiara folds her arms over her chest with a huff but says nothing. “That’s what I thought,” Rafe says smugly, turning on the radio. They hear the first cheerful notes of All I Want for Christmas is You, and Rafe moves to change the station. Kiara slaps his hand away from the dial, making Rafe yelp in surprise. “You actually want to listen to this garbage?”

“Don’t you dare insult the Christmas Queen like that! Where’s your Christmas spirit??” Kiara replies, outraged.

As they pull onto the highway that leads to the mall, Rafe glances at Kiara from the corner of his eye. “Must be fresh out today,” he deadpans. “Plus, I’m surprised you even like Christmas. I would have thought you see it as an evil, late-stage capitalist nightmare.”

“Well, it is. But I also don’t completely hate joy,” Kiara says with a grin. She watches as the corners of Rafe’s mouth lift, takes in the easy way he grips the wheel with one hand, letting the other fall loosely around the gear shift. He has rings on both hands today, and she’s so distracted by the way they reflect the afternoon light that she completely misses what Rafe says in response to her. “What was that?” She asks, shaking her head and lifting her gaze from his hands. He’s smirking slightly. Did he notice she was staring?

“I said, that makes one of us.” He turns his full attention back to the road as they approach the mall exit. “Who are you doing White Elephant with, anyway?”

“Oh, the conservation club. Just small gifts for the meeting tomorrow. The president and VP thought it would be fun.”

“Conservation club,” Rafe repeats. It sounds like he’s trying to suppress a smile, and Kiara is immediately put on the defensive. “What do you do with them?” An innocent enough question, but Kiara still eyes him suspiciously.

“Well, we talk about climate issues affecting the world right now, obviously, but we also try to organize actual climate action. We want to be a club that does things, instead of sitting around intellectualizing.” Rafe nods but says nothing. Kiara continues, feeling vaguely like she has something to prove. She hates that feeling. “Like our current project, it’s focused on a sea turtle conservancy, actually pretty close to Kildare. The land is being sold to a private company who wants to completely destroy the habitat. We’re organizing a benefit to try and stop the sale from happening.”

“Uh huh,” Rafe says, the two syllables dripping with condescension.

“What do you mean ‘uh huh’?” Kiara snaps, glaring at Rafe.

“I didn’t say anything bad!” Rafe protests.

“It was the way you said ‘uh huh,’” Kiara insists. It sounds stupid, but she knows she’s right. “Do you have something to say, Rafe?” She feels indignation rising quickly, and she folds her arms over her chest again.

Rafe turns into the mall parking lot smoothly with one hand, laughing softly. “It’s a nice idea, it just seems unrealistic to me. Do you think a benefit will actually make a difference? The guys trying to buy the conservatory or whatever are probably loaded.”

Kiara stares at him for a second, before slumping into her seat. “Maybe not. But we have to try. We can’t just do nothing.”

“Like I said, it’s nice,” Rafe replies, a bit gentler this time. Kiara rolls her eyes as they pull into a parking spot.

“Yeah, whatever,” she says as she hops out of the car. “So what are you shopping for, Mr. Scrooge?”

Rafe locks the car and falls into step beside Kiara, scratching his head. Kiara notices that his hair is growing out a little in the front, with uneven strands of blonde starting to form a small swoop of bangs at the very top of his forehead. If it wasn’t Rafe, Kiara would say that it softens him, makes him look almost….cute.

“It’s just a little Secret Santa I got roped into with my friend group. I have to shop for Sofia, I’m not sure if you know her.” Kiara notices Rafe is still scratching his head, a gesture that she’s learning is a dead giveaway that he’s feeling anxious.

“Oh, I know her. Isn’t she the girl that wanted to beat me up after I called her an asshole?” Kiara shoots Rafe a sly grin.

“Yep, that’s Sofia,” Rafe says as they step into the mall. Now that they’re inside, all thoughts of mean girlfriends or millionaires buying protected land are wiped from Kiara’s mind. She’s always felt a strange peace at malls, surrounded by nostalgia and the sense that time is frozen here. She can take a breath, eat a pretzel, and forget about everything else going on in her life for an hour or two. It’s the most comforting liminal space there is. She pulls Rafe by the sleeve towards a delicious smell not too far away.

“Come on! We’re getting Auntie Anne’s.”

As they walk leisurely past shop window after shop window, pretzels and lemonade in hand, Kiara stops every once in a while and pulls up a bio flash card on her phone. She balances her lemonade in the crook of her elbow, refusing to let Rafe hold anything as she reads off a definition from her phone. If he gets it right, they move on. If he gets it wrong, they enter the store. After Rafe struggles to identify the definition for the Krebs Cycle, Kiara lets out a sigh of relief as they enter the bookstore. Rafe shoots her a dirty look, his eyebrows pulling together.

“Oh good. I mean, not for you. That’s definitely bad for you. But good for me, because I was going to go in here anyway. There’s this book I want to get as part of my White Elephant gift.”

As Kiara peruses the shelves for the book she wants, Rafe pops his head over her current shelf and peers down at her. “What are you looking for, anyway? What kind of book is going to make a fun White Elephant gift?”

“It’s a book about the ethics of generative AI, especially how it impacts the environment. It looked really interesting online.” Kiara shrugs, looking up at Rafe’s baffled expression. “Maybe I’ll throw in some fun socks to go with it.”

“Bunch of nerds,” Rafe mutters under his breath.

After Kiara finds the book and they leave the store, Rafe hits a hot streak and they don’t enter another store for a while. The next definition he messes up is outside of a Bath & Body Works. Rafe stares at the sea of people in the store and groans. “Do I have to?”

“Yes, it’s part of the deal! Plus, you don’t have your gift yet. It’s perfect.” Kiara pulls him into the store, laughing at the misery so apparent on his face.

After a few minutes of watching Rafe mill about aimlessly, Kiara decides to put him out of his misery. “Dear god, you look like a lost puppy. Shouldn’t this be easy? Isn’t she your girlfriend?”

Rafe turns bright red as he picks up a candle, sniffs it, and places it back down. “Ah no, she’s not my girlfriend, exactly. Not at all, really.” Kiara’s eyebrows shoot up, but Rafe avoids looking at her, instead pretending to regard the stack of candles in front of him. “That’s actually kinda why I’m struggling. I want to get her something that’s nice enough to not be insulting, but not too nice that it makes her think that I…” he trails off awkwardly.

“You don’t want to make her think you want something more serious with her. Got it,” Kiara deadpans. Rafe finally looks up at her, narrowing his eyes.

“Hey, don’t judge me, alright? I’m just not ready for a relationship. It’s not what I’m looking for at the moment.”

Kiara can’t help but roll her eyes. “Oh of course, you’re not ready for a relationship. That’s what every man ever says. You all need to get a new line. People say that, but what does that even mean?” She puts her hands on her hips, nearly knocking over a pile of body sprays near her elbow. “What, you just want to fuck around some more? Like you haven’t done that enough?” Rafe stares at her, surprised by the intensity of her questioning. She takes a step closer. “What are you so afraid of?” Rafe’s eyes lock onto hers, and she sees his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows.

“FINDING EVERYTHING OKAY OVER HERE?” A cheery Bath & Body Works employee with reindeer antlers on her head appears out of nowhere, making them both jump. She stares at them expectantly.

“Yep, all good over here,” Rafe says with a forced smile, readjusting a few candles he nearly knocked over.

Kiara takes a deep breath and approaches Rafe, pulling a candle out of his hand. “Have I ever told you that you’re hopeless? Do you have any idea what kind of scents she likes?”

Kiara helps Rafe pick out a few warm, cozy scented items for Sofia, including a candle and some body lotion. As they make their way out of the store and back towards the mall exit nearest the car, Rafe’s phone starts to buzz. Before he brings the phone to his ear, Kiara sees a glimpse of the caller ID. It’s Sofia.

“What’s up, Soph?” Rafe says into the phone, nodding towards the exit to indicate to Kiara that he’ll catch up with her shortly.

As she walks away, Kiara swears that she hears Sofia’s faint response, something like: “Are you doing anything important?”

“No, nothing important,” Rafe responds quickly. “What’s up?”

Kiara scoffs lightly as she heads outside, thinking about how much she’s helping Rafe today, how much she’s been helping him in general lately. She thinks back to what she said in the store and decides that maybe she’s giving men too much credit. Maybe they do just always want to fuck around.

Chapter Text

Exam week at UNC is nearly over, and winter break is so close that the students can almost taste it. Kiara should be sleeping in and enjoying her new freedom, but instead she’s sitting in the back of a yellow school bus at 8 a.m., struggling to stay awake. She has no one to blame but herself, so she pulls out her headphones and prepares to get comfortable. She’s about to close her eyes when she sees a familiar head pop up from the bus stairs.

Rafe’s hair is slightly messy, and his blue eyes are bleary with sleep. When he spots Kiara, his smile is unguarded and warm, like it’s so early in the day that he’s forgotten to put up the distant front he often hides behind.

“What are you doing here?” He says as he flops into the seat in front of her, throwing his arms onto the seat back and resting his head on them. “After that exam I’m almost certain that I need the extra credit, but I know you don’t.”

“Careful. That almost sounded like a compliment,” Kiara teases. “But I wanted to come. They’re paying for our admission and driving us there. Why wouldn’t I go?” Kiara answers with a shrug. The Biology department organized this field trip to the Kure Beach Aquarium, and students from any level bio class could sign up for extra credit. Kiara jumped at the chance to see the state of the art aquarium for free, even if it is a 6 hour round trip journey.

Rafe stares at her in disbelief, able to think of at least 15 other things he would rather be doing with his time. “Nerd,” he coughs under his breath, getting up and preparing to slide into the seat next to Kiara. As he moves to sit next to her, however, a voice calls to him from the front of the bus.

“Yo Rafe! You going to come sit with us, or what?” It’s one of Rafe’s lacrosse friends from a different bio section, and he’s gesturing towards Rafe to come join him and a few other people. Rafe glances at Kiara, looking slightly apologetic, before starting to move up the aisle.

“Of course, man,” he says back easily. “Just didn’t see you guys.” Kiara rolls her eyes as he takes his seat, sliding her headphones over her ears and bunching up her coat so she can set it against the window and lay on it. She didn’t want Rafe to sit with her anyway. He’d just get in the way of her napping.

3.5 hours and 4 stops later (thanks to the group of girls on the bus who refused to synchronize their bathroom schedules with everyone else), they finally make it to the aquarium. Kiara steps off the bus and stretches her arms over her head, soaking in the warmth from the sun even through the chill of the December morning. She feels eyes on her as she finishes her stretch and heads towards the aquarium entrance, but Rafe stays with his group of friends as the students enter the building.

The first few hours at the aquarium consist of a guided tour by an employee, starting with the freshwater plants and animals before moving onto coastline habitats, reefs, and finally the open ocean. Kiara feels like a little kid as she stands behind the massive glass wall that looks in on the sharks, staring in awe as they dart gracefully in and out of rocks and bright coral. She’s in her own world as she leans over the shallow pool where they keep hermit crabs, anemones, and sea urchins for people to touch. She laughs in delight as a sea urchin wiggles slightly under her touch.

Kiara keeps to herself as they explore the aquarium, soaking in every moment, so she doesn’t notice the way that Rafe’s eyes continually find her across the room. He watches as she coos at the animals she finds cute, watches as her eyebrows draw together when the tour guide talks about the decimation of ocean habitats. He tries to pay attention to the tour, tries to stay engaged in the mindless chatter of his friends, but he can’t help but watch as Kiara loses herself in the aquarium. He admires her obvious passion, the way that she’s devoting her undivided attention to the thing she cares about. He’s unaware that in his observation of Kiara, he’s doing the exact same thing.

———————————————————————

After a short bagged lunch, their teachers announce that they’re going to have some time to explore on their own until it’s time to reconvene at 4 p.m. Kiara takes the opportunity to visit the sea turtle habitat, where she’s given the chance to play with an ancient sea turtle named Martin. After Martin is taken back to his habitat, Kiara takes a moment to watch the turtles swim around in the larger tank, cutting through the water easily with their strong flippers. The light filtering in from outside is so weak that it almost seems like nighttime in the aquarium, and heavy rain has started to slap against the building’s high ceiling. Usually Kiara finds rain calming, but the sound of this storm is intense, almost angry.

“I thought I might find you here,” Rafe says with a lopsided grin as he joins her in the otherwise empty exhibit. Kiara doesn’t smile back, instead turning back to the tank.

“Won’t your friends be wondering where you are?” She hates the way that way the words come out, like an accusation. Like she’s bothered or something. Which she’s not .

“I think they’ll survive without me for a while.” Rafe shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans as he approaches.

“You sure about that? You guys seem pretty attached at the hip,” Kiara retorts, crossing her arms across her chest.

“Are you upset with me?” Rafe’s voice is a lot closer now, just over her left shoulder.

“No, I just don’t understand why you’re here.” Kiara’s swivels to face Rafe, her intense glare catching him off guard. “And I think it’s interesting that you pretend you know who I am again once your friends aren’t around.”

Rafe blinks rapidly in surprise. “Kiara, that’s not-“

He’s interrupted by a piercing beep coming from both of their phones. They pull them out of their pockets to look at the alerts.

“What the hell?” Kiara’s exclaims.

⚠️The National Weather Service has issued a Tropical Storm & Hurricane Warning for your area. Beware of high winds and potential flooding. Significant threats to life & property possible. ⚠️

“Did you know there was supposed to be hurricane like conditions in this area??” Kiara says, looking up in alarm. “I sure didn’t! Why did they bring us here?” Rafe doesn’t respond, but his eyes widen at the alert.

Before they can react, a crackly voice from the speaker above them calls for their attention. “Attention aquarium guests, attention. Due to unanticipated severe weather, we recommend taking shelter until the National Weather Service gives us the all clear. Please proceed calmly to a space away from any large windows or doors.”

Rafe starts breathing rapidly, one hand coming up to clutch at his chest. “Rafe, we gotta go to a different room. There’s way too many glass windows in here. Come on,” Kiara insists, gesturing for him to come with her. But Rafe is frozen in place, staring straight ahead with unseeing eyes. What’s going on with him?

“Rafe,” she says again, running up to him and grabbing his hand, trying to pull him forward. “We gotta go, Rafe.” He still doesn’t respond, but allows himself to pulled by Kiara into an adjacent room, something that seems like a windowless office. Kiara flips on the fluorescent light and shuts the door. By the time she turns back around to Rafe he’s already slumped to the ground, his hand pressed to his chest. He’s breathing even harder now, and when he looks up Kiara can see the fear in his eyes.

“I can’t breathe,” he says between gasps, as Kiara drops to her knees in front of him. Her hands hover in front of Rafe for a moment, unsure if touching him will help or make things worse.

“I think you’re having a panic attack, Rafe.” Kiara bases this assumption off the limited information she’s read on the internet. “Has this happened before?”

He just shrugs in response, digging into the floor with the blunt nails of his left hand. The veins on his forehead and neck are more prominent now, and his skin is flushed.

“Okay, uh, can you try to breathe for me? Maybe like, count to 10 really slow?” Rafe gives her a look. “Alright, not helpful. Do you want me to go get help? I have no idea what I’m doing.” Kiara pushes her curly hair out of her face so it doesn’t stick to the sweat that starting to form, and starts to rise from her kneeling position.

Rafe grips Kiara’s hand as she stands up, pulling her back down to the ground. “Don’t,” is all he can grit out, but Kiara gets the message.

“Okay, okay. Let’s try this thing that my therapist told me to do when I’m feeling anxious. 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste.”

“What?” Rafe’s eyes are unfocused, and he’s not looking at her. Kiara grips his hand tighter in her own, threading their fingers together and squeezing firmly. Before she can think about it too much, she grabs the side of Rafe’s face and pulls gently so he’s facing her, forcing him to look into her eyes. She hopes that the eye contact will help ground him.

“Here, I’ll go first. Uh I can see carpet that needs vacuumed beneath us, an IKEA desk behind you, the Patagonia logo on your quarter-zip. I can see that you have very long eyelashes, and bags under your eyes that tell me you didn’t get enough sleep last night. I can touch the stubble on your face, the cellphone in my pocket. I can feel the metal of the rings on your right hand, and I can feel that you could really use some lotion.” Rafe lets out a small chuckle, finally responding in some way. “I can hear the rain on the roof, the tick of that clock on the wall, and the sound of your breathing slowing down. Do you want to try? Two things you can smell, one thing you can taste.” She squeezes his hand in encouragement.

When Rafe speaks, his voice is quiet and shaky. “I can smell your shampoo, I think, and some type of cleaner, maybe Clorox? I can taste, uh, the last of my turkey sandwich.”

Kiara nods encouragingly. “Good, that’s good. If I had some gum I’d give it to you.” Rafe laughs weakly. “How’s your breathing?” She drops the hand that’s cradling his face, but keeps holding onto his hand. His grip is firm, like he doesn’t want to let go yet.

Rafe takes a deep, shuddering breath, holds it for a second, and then lets it out in a deep sigh. “Better, I think.” They sit in silence for a while, as Rafe tries to catch his breath.

“Are you okay? Do you know what brought this on? Was it the weather?” Kiara asks softly, not wanting to upset him but wanting to know how to avoid any potential triggers.

Rafe sits quietly for a moment, trying to decide how honest to be. “I guess I’ve just had some weird experiences with hurricanes,” he admits.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me any-”Kiara starts, not wanting him to feel pressured to share. He shakes his head.

“Thanks, but it’s fine. I think it’s just…the first hurricane I ever remember happened when my mom was still around. I was probably only 5 or 6, and I was so terrified of the wind and the rain and everything. And I remember being embarrassed at first that I was scared, but my mom just took me in her arms and held me, and she told me it was okay to be afraid. She said she was scared too, but she wouldn’t let anything happen to me or to Sarah, who was just a baby then. I feel like that’s the last time in my life I ever felt like it was okay to be afraid. My dad isn’t so understanding.” The ghost of a smile flits briefly across his face. “You know the last big hurricane we had?” Kiara nods, listening intently. “I was 15 or 16 at the time, and I was scared when the winds started coming in, but I was trying not to show it. I was helping my dad batten down the hatches with all our boats. I must have done a pretty poor job of hiding my fear, because my dad eventually turned towards me, and he had this disgusted look on his face. He smacked the back of my head and told me to get it together, to stop being such a pussy. He said that if anyone should be scared it should be Sarah. But she wasn’t scared. She never was.”

“I bet that’s not true,” Kiara says softly.

“No, it is,” Rafe replies, shaking his head. “Sarah’s so fearless. I think that’s part of the reason why my dad’s always liked her better. Don’t give me that look, it’s true. She’s always been more like him. More decisive, more unafraid. That’s why he wanted her to major in business instead of me. I know it’s because he thinks she’s going to be better at doing what he does, even though he says it’s because he wanted me to be a doctor.” Rafe smiles sadly. “I think the only time my dad’s been proud of me was when I told him I joined DKE, and when I told him I made the lacrosse team. That’s the only time he showed any interest in my life. Otherwise I’m not very notable. Or worse, I’m just disappointing.” Rafe picks at a loose thread on the floor, avoiding eye contact. He can’t believe how honest he’s being, but he feels like he can’t stop the words from pouring out.

Kiara squeezes Rafe’s hand tightly and swallows down the tears that are thick in her throat. “I’m sorry your dad makes you feel like that, Rafe. Like you aren’t enough, or like you can’t even be a real human. Just because something happens all the time doesn’t mean it’s not scary. And anyway, part of being human is being scared. Anyone that says otherwise is a liar. Or lying to themselves.”

Rafe looks into Kiara’s warm eyes, and thinks about the grace with which she’s handled everything that’s happened to her. “You don’t seem scared of anything.”

Kiara smirks sadly. “I’m just good at hiding it.”

Her attention is drawn away from Rafe as her phone buzzes with a text. She fishes the phone out of her pocket, her other hand still tangled with Rafe’s.

JJ: hey sexy mama. excited to see u (n touch u) soon. can’t wait to come pick y’all up ;)

Kiara rolls her eyes, but her lips tug up into a smile. Rafe, who was totally not reading her texts, lets out a frustrated sigh.

“Why do you entertain that guy, Kie?” He asks before he can stop himself. Kiara looks up at him with a frown.

“Hey now. I was just starting to tolerate you. Don’t go bashing my friends.”

“That’s not what I mean. You could pull anyone, Kie. Why JJ?” He’s making direct eye contact as he says the words, and Kiara feels warmth spread in her chest.

“I don’t know,” she says, trying to reciprocate some of Rafe’s honesty. “JJ lets me lead, and there’s no uncertainty with him. I know what I’m going to get, and he’s respectful and considerate. I feel powerful when I’m with him, and that’s a nice feeling. I haven’t always…felt that way. That thing with Bryce, it’s not the first time that I’ve felt out of control like that.” Kiara looks down into her lap, looks at Rafe’s fingers intertwined with hers, and tries not to think about Halloween night. “I was with this guy for a while in high school, and he was the first person I ever, you know, had sex with. But he was always pressuring me to do things I was uncomfortable with, that I didn’t want to do, that I said no to, even. But I was so young that I didn’t know how fucked up that was, or how horrible it was all making me feel. Until the thing with Topper happened, and it all just kind of…hit me.” She feels Rafe’s eyes burning into her, but she can’t look up.

“I think…once I got through that, once I left the Kook high school, I decided I was never going to be vulnerable or feel helpless like that again. After feeling out of control for so long, I thought the only way to make it better was to have control over everything. How I present myself, how people perceive me. I need to be tough, and strong, and never show any weakness. I need to be in control of my future, my feelings, who I fuck, how we fuck. I need to always fight back, never back down, never compromise on what I believe in. To believe in things deeply, and to fight for them.” Kiara breathes a deep sigh. “But it’s also exhausting. I feel like I’m never real with anyone. Not even myself.”

“Is that what you’re afraid of, then? Being real with people?” Kiara’s finally looks up at Rafe, and their faces are so close together that she could count every individual eyelash if she wanted to. There’s no sound in the room except for the gentle sound of their synchronized breathing.

“Yeah, I guess. Letting people see the real me, letting them get close.“ Rafe tracks the movement of Kiara’s throat as she swallows, then raises his eyes to stare at her slightly parted lips. He’s wondered before how long he could keep his distance from Kiara before he caved. Right now, he can’t even remember why he was trying in the first place.

“You don’t seem scared to me,” Rafe whispers as he pulls Kiara closer using their linked hands, dipping his head down so his lips are level with hers. Her eyes flutter shut as he draws close, the movement gentle as the flap of a butterfly’s wings, and something about it makes Rafe suddenly ravenous. He wants to devour her.

As the door to the office opens with a click, Rafe shoves away from Kiara and rises to his feet. She looks stunned for a second, a blank look on her face as Rafe’s friends start to speak.

“Uh Rafe, we were looking for you. We got the all clear, apparently it was a false alarm. They’re giving us another half hour to look around before we have to leave.” The group of three boys look at Kiara with interest but also caution, like she’s an exotic animal that’s beautiful but potentially dangerous. She dusts herself off and stands up, trying to ignore the furious blush coloring Rafe’s cheeks.

“I gotta head to the restroom. Nice seeing you guys,” she says before excusing herself, slipping past the boys and walking towards the hall to the bathroom. Something stops her before she totally disappears out of earshot, though, and she pauses just around the corner, listening intently.

“Dude, what the hell was that? Are you into that hippie chick, or something? Doesn’t she hang out with all those scholarship kids?” The disdain in the kid’s voice makes Kiara flush with rage. Scholarship kids? Just say poor kids like you really mean.

“Nah man, we were just in the same place when we got the alert. Had to hide out together,” Rafe replies. “Should we get moving?”

“You sure dude? You two were awfully close to each other. I thought you were with Sofia?”

Kiara can hear Rafe’s scoff, even from down the hall. “You really think I would choose some low-class, nobody freshman over Sofia? Please. Stop being ridiculous. Now can we please get out of here?”

Kiara walks slowly towards the front door of the aquarium, feeling like her limbs are made of lead. Rafe’s words echo in her mind as she walks onto the bus, and she feels them trickle their way into her bloodstream and lodge into her heart.

“You don’t want to see a little more of the place before we leave?” One of her teachers asks as Kiara makes her way to the back of the bus.

“I’m good,” Kiara replies, easing herself into the seat and resting her head against the cool pane of the bus window. She’s seen and heard enough.

———————————————————————

It’s Saturday night and Kiara is back at a pong table, getting drunk. The alcohol is making everything feel a little lighter, a little easier to handle. It certainly makes all the ignoring she’s doing easier, and she’s grateful for that.

“Ready to start game 2?” JJ says with a grin, holding up a ping pong ball. They’re across the table from John B and Sarah, who lost the first game in their best of three challenge. Cleo and Pope are watching from a couch nearby, the distance between them getting smaller and smaller with every sip of alcohol that’s consumed.

“You’re not going to beat us this time. Sarah’s an Ace,” John B calls over the music, throwing his arm around Sarah.

“What do I get if I win the game for us?” Sarah asks, turning to John B and flashing her most sultry eyes. Kiara watches John B’s brain short circuit with a laugh.

“Gross. I’m going to go grab another drink before I have to watch any more of this. Be back in a sec,” Kiara says to JJ before elbowing her way towards the nearest drink table.

They’re at another DKE party, which is just one of the things Kiara is currently trying to ignore. But she’s with all her friends and Rafe mentioned earlier in the week that Bryce would be out of town, so she’s trying to push down the nausea she feels at being back in this building. Rafe’s tip about the party was earlier in the week, of course, before Kiara overheard him insulting her at the aquarium. Since then, Rafe has been the main subject of all the ignoring Kiara is doing; she refused to speak to him when he waited for her outside the field trip bus, she ignored his text asking if she was okay that same night, and she purposefully didn’t attend the last Bio 201 class of the semester, knowing she had absences to spare. She’s ignored Rafe’s texts, ignored his calls, and has steered clear of any places she normally frequents, knowing he would look there first. And now, all night, she’s been ignoring his stare from across the room.

Harder to ignore are the questions running through her mind as she feels his eyes on her throughout the night. Why is she so angry with him? Why does she care so much about what he said? Why does she keep thinking about what almost happened in that room in the aquarium? And why did she come here if she was really trying to avoid him, a place where she was certain he would be?

As Kiara hears footsteps approach behind her, she knows the answer to that question, at least. She wanted him to see her here, having fun. She wanted him to know that she’s angry, that he’s the reason why. She picks up her cup and turns around, finally making eye contact with Rafe. The pain in his bright blue eyes makes Kiara pause for a second, before she tries to shove past him to get back to her friends. Rafe blocks her path, his eyebrows scrunching together in confusion. 

“Kiara, wait, I want to talk to you. Why have you been avoiding me since the trip? Why weren’t you in bio?” The genuine confusion in his voice only makes Kiara angrier. Of course he doesn’t even know what he did to hurt her. Kiara steps past him without a word, but Rafe catches her by the forearm and spins her around to face him.

“Kiara wait. Tell me what’s happening! What did I do?” His voice is tinged with desperation, but it’s not enough. Kiara wants to make him hurt, the way he hurt her.

“Get your hands off me!” Kiara yanks her arm out of Rafe’s grasp with a huff. “You better be careful, Rafe. Your friends are going to see you talking to me. You wouldn’t want them associating you with a low class nobody, right?” She spits out, then waits as the realization dawns on Rafe’s face. He takes a deep breath and looks away, unable to make eye contact with her.

“I didn’t think you heard that,” he admits quietly, causing Kiara to laugh derisively.

“I’m sure you didn’t, Rafe. But stuff like this always gets back to the person that needs to know, even if the person talking shit is too much of a coward to say it to their face.” Kiara’s brown eyes, usually so warm and inviting, look dark and cold in the dim light. Her makeup is heavier and more intense than usual, and her hair is pulled back into a slick ponytail. She looks like a stranger in this moment.

“Kie, I can explain,” Rafe says, even though he knows he can’t. He just wants the look on her face to go away, for her to be open and honest like she was at the aquarium.

“Explain what, Rafe?” Kiara watches as Rafe opens his mouth to speak before closing it again, a pained look settling in his blue eyes.

Kiara nods, a sarcastic smile pulling her lips into a straight line. “That’s what I thought. You know, I shouldn’t even be mad. You’re exactly who you’ve always been. I’m the idiot for thinking you were any different.” Rafe steps back like she’s shoved him, and Kiara takes the opportunity to push past him. “Good luck in bio next semester, Rafe,” she calls over her shoulder. She doesn’t look back.

———————————————————————

JJ is panting in Kiara’s ear when the banging on the door begins, so at first she doesn’t hear it. JJ’s hips falter for a second, but Kiara tightens her grip on his sides and tells him to keep going. He obliges, even as the pounding from outside gets louder.

“HEY ASSHOLES,” a voice shouts from outside the door. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!”

“Oh shit,” JJ whispers. “Is that Rafe? Are we in his room?” His hips are still moving, albeit more slowly now.

“Who cares?” Kiara asks, flushed and panting. “I want you to finish, puppy.”

JJ moans and resumes thrusting sharply into Kiara, the lewd sound of skin on skin filling the air around them. The pounding on the door stops abruptly for a few moments as Rafe realizes what’s happening inside his room.

“ARE YOU FUCKING IN THERE? I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!” He resumes banging on the door with renewed intensity.

Kiara just moans louder, her breathy gasps coming out faster and filthier. She can tell that JJ, the little freak he is, is loving this. His thrusts become more frantic and erratic, and his breathing is rapid as he traces kisses down her jawline.

“Come for me, baby,” she croons, making eye contact as she rubs at her clit. JJ’s eyes roll into the back of his head at the sight, and he collapses onto her with a guttural groan as he finishes. They both lay there for a moment, trying to catch their breath.

“I AM GOING TO BUST DOWN THIS FUCKING DOOR.” Rafe’s voice shatters their post-sex haze, and they both scramble to put their clothes back on. Kiara opens the door as JJ is still buckling his belt and she’s pulling her strap back into place on her left shoulder. She watches as Rafe’s brain short circuits for a second, trying to do the math on the scene in front of him. She watches the horror dawn on his face as his eyes flick from JJ to her, from her back to JJ. She tears her eyes away from his flabbergasted expression, holding her hand out to JJ.

“Come on Jayj. They’re probably waiting for us downstairs.” JJ takes her hand, shooting Rafe a smug look as they pass him and make their way to the stairs. When they’re halfway down the stairs, Rafe seems to snap out of his shock. He comes thundering behind them, and JJ and Kiara pick up the pace.

“Oh shit,” Kiara giggles, pulling JJ along behind her as they run away from Rafe.

“Are you fucking KIDDING me, Kiara??” Rafe shouts over the music as he makes it to the landing of the stairs. People turn and look at them, but he doesn’t care. He can barely think straight. He can barely breathe.

Kiara shrugs. “Sorry? We didn’t know it was your room.” (This is a blatant lie. She knew exactly where his room was. When she and JJ stumbled upstairs to have sex, she surveyed a number of rooms under the pretense of looking for an empty one, but she waited until she found the room with Rafe’s backpack and jacket draped over the desk chair before pulling JJ inside and taking off his pants.)

“That’s bullshit. You knew exactly which one my fucking room was,” Rafe says, seething. “And regardless, it’s disgusting. What is wrong with you?” Kiara doesn’t miss the way that he’s only addressing her, and it makes her blood boil. But if she’s being honest, it also makes her a little aroused.

“Speaking of fucking rooms,” JJ pipes up, “you might want to change your sheets. Sorry buddy,” he finishes, helpful as ever.

Rafe’s face is so red now that Kiara thinks he might be having a stroke. He steps forward and raises his arm like he’s going to hit JJ, but he’s interrupted by the arrival of Sofia, Sarah, and John B.

“What the hell is going on?” Sofia asks, trying to put a steadying hand on Rafe. He shakes her off, never taking his eyes off Kiara. She feels the air between them buzzing, and she’s not sure if it’s from the hurt, the anger, or the desire.

“Get the fuck out of my house,” Rafe says to Kiara, so quietly that she almost can’t hear him. The finger he’s pointing at her is shaking slightly. “Get out and don’t ever come back.”

“That’s fine,” Kiara snaps. “These parties always sucked anyway. John B, can you tell Cleo and Pope we’re leaving?”

“Bye Rafe!” JJ says cheerfully on his way out the door. “See you back on Kildare!”

“What was all that about?” John B asks when all six of them are finally outside.

Kiara shrugs. “Fuck the Kooks.”

Chapter Text

It’s the week before Christmas, and Rafe is having the same nightmare again. In the few weeks he’s been home, he can’t go more than a couple days without some variation of the dream. It goes something like this:

Rafe is standing in a crowd of faceless people in front of the stage. He watches as someone climbs the steps and stands in the center of the stage, and for a moment the spotlight is so bright that Rafe can’t tell who it is. As the stranger finally comes into focus, the faceless crowd starts to boo him. Rafe finds himself joining in, even when he realizes the person he’s screaming at is him. This Other Rafe starts sobbing as the crowd jeers at him.

“Stop!” A voice calls out from the crowd, right next to Rafe. “Leave him alone!” The spotlight finds Kiara in the crowd, her face distinct in the otherwise faceless crowd. She starts to make her way towards the stage, and Other Rafe reaches out his hands to her. Before he can stop himself, Rafe runs up behind Kiara and stabs her in the back several times before she can reach the stage. He catches her as she collapses, her blood soaking the shaking hands that hold her up.

“Why, Rafe? Why?” Kiara whispers, a deep sadness in her eyes.

“I don’t know,” he whispers back, watching the life drain out of her. And that’s where the dream ends.

Rafe jerks awake in his bed, drenched in his own sweat. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he mutters, running his hand through his damp hair. He punches his pillow in frustration, fed up with this goddamn dream interrupting his sleep. He looks at the clock on his bedside table; it’s a little before 4 a.m. Rafe swings his feet over the side of his bed with a sigh, grabbing a blunt from the bedside table and heading out onto his small balcony.

You have no reason to feel guilty, he tells himself again as he lights the blunt and takes a long drag. Kiara is the one that took what he said totally out of context, ignored him instead of telling him what was wrong, and jumped at the opportunity to have revenge sex with JJ in HIS bedroom. If anyone should be feeling guilty here, it’s Kiara.

And yet, here he is, wide awake at 4 in the morning.

As Rafe puffs on his blunt, his bare feet turning numb in the mid-December chill, he knows he’s been lying to himself for weeks now. He knows that no matter the context of what he said about Kiara, it was not only out of line, but also a complete lie. He acted like an asshole and lied to the people he calls his friends, and Kiara called him out on it. Maybe what he’s really mad about is being forced to reckon with his own shitty behavior and desperate need for approval. And the revenge sex that Kiara had in his bedroom. He’s still not done being pissed off about that. But as he stares into the cloudless night and thinks about his dream again, he’s pretty sure he knows what he has to do.

———————————————————————

Rafe shivers despite the down jacket wrapped around him as he stands out in the cold, trying to gather the courage to approach The Wreck. The parking lot is empty apart from his and Kiara’s car, which is what he wanted. But it also scares the shit out of him - there will be no buffer between Rafe and Kiara’s wrath. He takes a deep breath as he approaches the familiar building, his walk illuminated by the cheery glow of the multi-colored Christmas lights wrapped around its facade. He pauses briefly in front of the door, staring at the sign of Santa Claus on a surfboard. Here goes nothing.

He enters the Wreck, the sound of the door swinging behind him echoing in the empty space. Kiara is at the bar with her back turned to him, her curly hair thrown up onto a messy bun that’s sitting precariously on the top of her head. Rafe’s heart leaps into his throat at the sight of her.

“Sorry, we’re closing up for the night!” She shouts over her shoulder. “Come back tomorrow, okay?”

Rafe clears his throat nervously, stopping a few feet away from the bar. “Hey, Kie,” he says gently, watching her back tense and her spine straighten at the sound of his voice. “Closing up by yourself? I thought Mike would be around.”

Kiara spins around to face him, her eyes wary as they make eye contact. “What are you doing here, Rafe?” She asks with a sigh, throwing the towel in her hands over her left shoulder.

“I just thought enough time had passed and we should probably talk. I didn’t like the way we left things.” Rafe watches as Kiara folds her arms over her chest, her stance defensive.

“Talk about what?” Her face is a smooth mask, giving nothing away.

“Come on, Kiara. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, actually. The last time I saw you, you told me that I was disgusting and to get the fuck out of your house.” Kiara moves from behind the bar and approaches Rafe slowly, almost menacingly. Rafe has to fight the urge to step back. “So if you’ve come here for an apology, just know that you’re not getting one.”

“No, I didn’t call you disgusting, I said-“ Rafe stops, taking a deep breath and holding his hands up in surrender. “You know what, I’m not going to take the bait. I’m not going to argue with you. Yeah, I was angry, and yeah, I think what you did was fucked up. I’m not going to pretend like it didn’t piss me off. But I also know that what I did was fucked up, and I came here to apologize, alright? I never should have said what I said. I’ve been feeling terrible about it,” Rafe admits.

“Well I can’t say that absolving you of your guilt is at the top of my list of priorities. Why don’t you save your apologies for someone that actually cares? I have shit to do.” Kiara starts to turn away, and Rafe feels all the hurt and frustration he’s been holding at bay start to rise to the surface. He’s tired of dancing around each other and acting like none of it matters. He can’t do it anymore.

“Would you cut the bullshit, Kiara?” His voice comes out louder than he anticipated. “I know you care, so stop acting like you don’t. It’s not working on me.”

Kiara wheels around to face Rafe, her eyes bright even in the dim overhead light. “Why would I care, Rafe? You’re a Kook! You’re incapable of caring about anyone other than yourself. You and everyone like you have proven that to me over and over again for my entire life!” She’s breathing hard, and Rafe finally sees the hurt simmering beneath her angry facade.

Rafe lowers his voice and maintains direct eye contact as he speaks. “I know I hurt you, Kiara. You opened up to me and then you heard me say what I said, and I know that had to hurt. I know how hard it is for you to get close to people.”

Kiara narrows her eyes. “Oh, do you? Then why did you say it, Rafe? Tell me that.”

Rafe runs his hand over his head, messing with his slightly scruffy hair. “I don’t know, Kie. Those guys can be jerks, and I didn’t want them to know any of my business. I guess I was trying to protect myself. But I wasn’t thinking about you when I said it, and I’m sorry for that. I really am. I didn’t mean it.” Rafe’s fingernails are digging into his palms in his effort to stay calm.

Kiara laughs, a look of disbelief on her face. “Now who’s bullshitting? It’s been weeks and you can’t come up with a better answer than that?” Rafe feels heat rush into his face. “You know Rafe, you’re right. I am angry. I’m angry at myself, because I don’t know why I started to believe, even for a second, that you were my friend.” Kiara’s only a few paces away now.

“I don’t want to be your friend, Kiara!” The truth slips out before Rafe can stop it. He’s shouting now, and his desperation is burning in his chest, a feeling not unlike to anger.

Kiara’s brows pull together harshly, and Rafe sees genuine hurt in her eyes. “You’ve made that abundantly clear, thank you. Will that be all, or do you have something else to say that will make me feel even worse?”

Rafe steps forward unconsciously at the pain in her voice. Kiara is within arm’s reach now. “No, I don’t want to be your friend, Kiara. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care for you. Obviously, I care about you. You have to know that.” The truth is out before he can stop it, and he’s surprised how relieved he is saying the words out loud.

Kiara is silent for a few moments, her shock at Rafe’s confession clear on her face. “Could have fooled me,” she finally replies, but the anger is gone from her voice, replaced with confusion.

“And I know you care too,” Rafe presses. “Otherwise, why would you be acting like this? Can you just be real with me for a second? Can you just be honest?” Rafe knows it might be hypocritical, asking her to be honest after the weak excuse he gave for his own behavior. But he has to know that he’s not crazy, that she feels the way that he thinks she does.

Kiara’s eyes flash with an emotion Rafe can’t put his finger on, and she throws her hands up in frustration. “Fine! Maybe I care. But I shouldn’t. You treated me like shit. It’s driving me crazy that I care.”

“You know what’s been driving me crazy?” Kiara is quiet for once, and the air between them is so, so still. It feels like the entire world is holding its breath.

“It drives me crazy that he’s allowed to touch you and I’m not,” Rafe says, his voice rough and low. “No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop thinking about it.“ Rafe can hear Kiara’s breathing now, and she’s not looking at him. “But you knew that, didn’t you? You knew what it would do to me.”

“I hadn’t thought about it,” Kiara lies. Rafe sees her swallow harshly, still staring at the floor.

“I thought we agreed we were being honest now,” Rafe chides.

“Mmm I don’t think I ever agreed to that.”Kiara tries for sassiness, but the words come out sounding breathless. She’s not sure what’s going to happen when she looks up. She’s not sure she’s ready to find out.

“Kie. Look at me.” Part of Kiara wants to argue with Rafe, to tell him to fuck off. A larger part of her can’t help but do as he says, to give into his magnetic pull she always tries to fight. She’s so, so tired of fighting all the time. “Does he even know how to touch you?” Rafe brushes a stray hair away from her face, and even the ghost of his touch is scorching. “I’ve been thinking about it nonstop, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t. Not like I could.”

Kiara’s heart is beating so loud that she can feel it in her throat. Still, she can’t help but give Rafe a hard time. “What if you’re wrong?”

“I’m a fast learner.” Rafe is so close that Kiara can smell his cologne, something that’s sweet and a little spicy. She can see the faint flush on his cheeks. She can see the small specks of green in his blue eyes as he stares at her openly.

“That’s literally not true. I’ve seen you studying bio,” Kiara retorts, trying to hold onto her last shred of willpower.

“Shut up, Kie,” Rafe says, his voice impossibly soft. He raises a hand and reaches for the side of her face, pausing right before he makes contact with her skin. Kiara knows suddenly, with clear certainty, that whatever is about to happen was inevitable.

“Can I touch you?” He whispers simply, his eyes searching her face.

“Yeah,” Kiara releases a breath she doesn’t realize she was holding. She keeps her body very, very still as Rafe takes a step forward.

“Thank god,” Rafe says gruffly, grabbing the side of Kiara’s face and her neck, pulling her into a bruising kiss. Kiara lets out a small gasp at the unexpected intensity, and Rafe takes the opportunity to trace his tongue along her bottom lip. Kiara hears a desperate groan, and it takes a moment for her to realize it’s coming from her own mouth. Rafe bites her lip gently before he pulls away and stares at Kiara’s pink lips, coated with his spit. He shudders with desire, and suddenly Kiara is throwing her arms around his neck, pressing her body against his. Rafe’s hands grip her waist instinctively before moving down to grip her ass through her jeans. Kiara moans again and starts to pull off Rafe’s jacket. As Rafe throws his jacket onto a nearby chair, Kiara’s greedy hands move to his pants, starting to undo the buttons. He grabs her hand and forces her to look at him, his blue eyes clear and serious.

“Is this what you want?”

Kiara nods, even though she’s not exactly sure what he’s referring to. She’ll take anything. Everything. She just wants his hands on her.

“Say the word, Kie. Or we stop right now.” Rafe is breathing hard, his eyes full of desire, but his grip is still firm.

“Yes,” Kiara whispers. “I want you, Rafe,” she adds without thinking. She sees his pupils widen and hears his sharp intake of breath.

“Fuck,” Rafe grits out, pulling her in again and lifting her up by the waist. Kiara wraps her legs around him and grips his shoulders as he walks her over to the bar, setting her down on top. He deftly undoes the buttons on her jeans and pulls them down, wrestling them free as they snag around her ankles. As her jeans crumple to a heap on the floor and Rafe elbows a bar stool out of the way, Kiara gives him a look and tries to get down from the counter.

“No, no. Stay up on the counter for me,” Rafe says, leaning down to press a kiss on the inside of her thigh.

Kiara shudders with pleasure, but still protests. “No. It’s cold up here.”

Rafe grips onto her hips, keeping her firmly in place. “Be a good girl.” Kiara feels heat shoot through her entire body, settling between her legs. “Sit up on the counter and let me make you feel good.” He looks down at Kiara hungrily, and she thanks the heavens that she wore cute underwear today. Instead of pulling them off completely, Rafe pushes the black lace to the side and licks his lips as he drops to his knees in front of Kiara.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this.” Before Kiara can respond, Rafe lowers his head between her legs and laps gently at her clit. Kiara lets out a shaky breath, grabbing Rafe’s shoulder. She can feel the taut muscles through his t-shirt. He starts to lick her faster, applying more pressure, and Kiara can’t help the breathy moan that escapes from her. She puts her thumb between her teeth and bites, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of hearing her groan in pleasure.

“No, don’t do that. Let me hear you.” He laps at the wetness between her folds, pushing his tongue gently in and out before using the wetness to make the slide over her clit even smoother. The moan this rips out of Kiara is guttural and raw; she flushes at the sound. “Yeah, just like that,” Rafe murmurs into her clit, the vibration making Kiara see white behind her eyelids.

“You’re such a little slut, letting me eat you out here. In your parents’ restaurant.” Kiara grips his hair as she throws her head back. She’s not sure she’s ever been so turned on in her life. “Does this feel good?” Rafe asks as he takes a breath, rubbing at her clit with the pad of his thumb. He studies her face closely, reveling in her flushed cheeks and the sweat beading on her temples.

“Obviously it does, asshole.” Rafe chuckles lightly before teasing two fingers at her entrance. He swirls them lightly, waiting for a reaction. Kiara’s breath quickens, coming out in strangled pants.

“Does this feel even better?” Kiara gasps as he presses his fingers inside of her suddenly, dropping back down to lick at her even more intently.

“FUCK,” she moans harshly, figuring that’s answer enough. Rafe stops talking as he concentrates on eating her out, licking at her clit in broad strokes as his two ringed fingers stretch her as they work in and out, in and out.

“Oh god, Rafe. Just like that.” Without realizing it, Kiara has started to rub her pussy up and down his face, bringing her even closer to her release. “Fuck, I’m close.” The words come out in a pathetic whine, but she’s so far gone that she can’t bring herself to care. Rafe picks up the pace with both his tongue and fingers, not missing a beat. Kiara sees stars behind her closed lids, and she knows she’s not going to last much longer. What sends her over the edge is the feeling of Rafe’s rings inside of her, the metal cool against the heat of her walls. She starts to orgasm and releases a drawn out moan, gripping Rafe’s hair to the point of pain. He works her through it, withdrawing his fingers but not letting up on her clit. Just as Kiara starts to come down from her release, moaning with overstimulation as Rafe continues lapping at her clit, they hear a car pull up in the rear of the building.

“Oh shit. Is that Mike?” Rafe finally lifts his head from between Kiara’s legs, the skin around his mouth shining with wetness. Kiara buzzes at the sight before she shakes her head, trying to focus.

“Um, I don’t think so. It might be someone from the weekly cleaning crew though. We should get out of here.” Kiara’s hops down from the bar, and Rafe feels immense satisfaction at the way her legs are shaking. She starts to pull her jeans back on, but Rafe stops her with a hand under her chin, pulling her face up to look at him.

“I’m not done with you, Kie.” Kiara feels desire flare where his tongue was not long ago as Rafe wipe his mouth with the back of his hand. As he wipes her off his mouth.

“Where do we go, then?” Kiara asks breathlessly, before she can think better of it. Rafe grabs his coat off the nearby chair and holds his hand out to her without a trace of shyness.

“Come with me.” Kiara links her fingers through his and lets herself be pulled along towards the front door and out into the chilly December air.

“Do you want to grab a jacket?” Rafe asks, stopping to look at her on the restaurant steps.

“No time,” she says, jogging down the steps and heading for his car, pulling Rafe behind her. “Just let me into the car before I fucking freeze.”

As Kiara hops into the passenger seat, shivering in her blue ‘The Wreck’ sweatshirt, she watches as Rafe smoothly slides into the driver’s seat, turning the key in the ignition before looking over at her. The hunger in his eyes is still there.

“It’s a short trip, but I think you should keep yourself wet for me,” Rafe says softly, gripping her hand on top of the gear shift as he moves the car into drive.

“No fucking way, dude.” Kiara says, trying to pull her hand away. He grips even tighter, not letting her escape.

“Just trust it, Kie. Whatever makes you feel good,” he says gently, squeezing her hand. Kiara stares at him defiantly for a second, before dropping her hand into her lap. She hesitates.

“What am I supposed to do, exactly?”

“Touch yourself,” Rafe directs, glancing at her and licking his lips. “Unbutton your pants. Good girl,” he encourages as she undoes her jeans. She moves two fingers past the fabric of her underwear as Rafe pulls out of the Wreck’s parking lot. He glances over as he pulls onto a road that leads down to the harbor, his eyes glinting in the dark.

Kiara rolls her eyes, but dips two fingers into her folds experimentally anyway, feeling the wetness gathered there. She hears Rafe’s breath hitch as he watches her out of the corner of his eye. Kiara can see the outline of his dick straining against his jeans, and knowing how badly he wants her gives Kiara newfound confidence. She slowly increases the speed of her fingers, adjusting herself in the seat so she can reach better. The confines of her pants keep her from truly establishing a rhythm, but she curls her fingers and presses them into the front wall of her vagina, surprising herself with the guttural groan she forces out.

“Fuck,” she hears Rafe moan quietly.  His eyes dart between the empty road and Kiara squirming in her seat.

“Rafe,” she whines, gripping his hand to the point of pain. “It doesn’t feel as good as your fingers do.”

“You’re killing me, Kiara,” Rafe says, his voice low and rough. “Good thing we’re here.” The car skids to a stop in a parking space near a pier, although Kiara isn’t sure which one it is. Rafe hops out of the car and makes his way to Kiara’s door, throwing it open and pulling her out with both of his hands.

“Eager, much?” Kiara teases.

“Obviously,” Rafe groans, pulling her towards the boats on the harbor. “I’m dying here.”

“Wait, are we going to your boat? Your dad’s boat?” She looks at him in alarm.

Rafe shrugs. “Do you have a better idea?” He asks as he holds out a hand, helping Kiara onto the deck of the boat. She rolls her eyes but says nothing as they quietly make their way to the boat’s main cabin. Rafe pulls out a small ring of keys and unlocks the door, dragging Kiara into the cabin behind him. As soon as they’re inside, Kiara pushes Rafe up against the door of the cabin, ridding him of his jacket and tugging at the hem of his t-shirt. She’s tired of all the layers between them, tired of not having his body pressed up against hers. Rafe is happy to oblige, yanking his shirt over his head before pulling her into a kiss that’s all tongue and teeth. When Kiara finally pulls back, she’s shocked at the sight of Rafe’s chiseled torso, the muscles lean and his abs defined. A perfect V disappears into the waistline of his pants, and Kiara nearly salivates at the sight.

“Oh shit,” Kiara says without thinking, running her hands up and down his firm abdomen. “You’re hot,” she moans appreciatively.

Rafe raises his eyebrows in amusement. “Uh, thanks? Should I be offended you didn’t think I was hot before?”

Kiara ignores him and tugs at the waistband of his pants, wanting them off. He reaches down to take them off, and then he’s standing in nothing but his thin boxers. Kiara shimmies out of her own jeans before pushing Rafe down onto the couch nearby, straddling his waist. There’s nothing but the fabric of their underwear separating their bottom halves now.

Kiara leans down and presses her mouth to Rafe’s, sighing as their tongues tangle together. She feels heat flare through her body as Rafe reaches under her sweatshirt, fingering the wire of her bra.

“I need all of this off,” he says breathlessly, pulling at the sweatshirt. “Right now.” Once the sweatshirt and her lacy bralette are piled on the floor, Rafe sucks in a sharp breath, his hands settling on Kiara’s hips.

“Fuck. Look at you. You’re so fucking gorgeous.” Rafe raises his head and latches onto one of Kiara’s nipples, biting at the sensitive skin before soothing it with his tongue. His hands run over the smooth, caramel skin of her abdomen, exploring the skin there with his rough fingertips.

“Rafe,” Kiara grits out, her hands on his chest. It sounds like a warning, or maybe a plea. She grinds on his clothed dick, making him moan loudly.

“Alright, okay,” Rafe says. “Let me grab a condom.”

Kiara watches Rafe walk to a beside table near the queen sized bed, reaching into a drawer and pulling out a condom with practiced ease. He walks over to her where she’s perched awkwardly on the couch, and he holds out a hand to pull her to her feet. He draws her in for a kiss, his hands gripping the sides of her face, his tongue running along her top teeth. Kiara shivers as he pulls back and looks at her intently.

“What do you like?” He asks. Kiara blinks in confusion. She’s not sure anyone’s ever asked her that before.

“I don’t know,” she admits. “But fuck now, figure out what I like later,” she replies, trying to pull him to the bed.

“Do you want me to lead? Do you want to lead?” Rafe persists. He still has one hand resting lightly on her face.

“You lead. I don’t want to think,” Kiara admits, pulling Rafe’s hand in front of her face and drawing one of his fingers into her mouth. She just wants him to stop talking.

Rafe groans, but maintains eye contact with Kiara. “I’m serious. If there’s anything you don’t like, or you want to stop, just say ‘red light,’ and I’ll stop, okay? No questions asked.”

“Okay, okay,” Kiara says impatiently, pulling Rafe into her so her tits are brushing his bare chest. “Just touch me, please. Please, Rafe.” Kiara’s begging and she knows it, but she can’t bring herself to care. She sees the hunger finally take over Rafe’s face, and she sighs in relief as he traces his hands down her sides.

“Take your underwear off,” he says, gentle but firm. Kiara steps out of them easily, now completely bare in front of him. “On your knees,” he says in the same calm voice. His eyes take her in from head to toe, looking at her naked body hungrily.

Kiara drops onto her knees, feeling the rough carpet scratching her skin. She pulls at the waistband of Rafe’s boxers, figuring he wants her to give him head. He just shakes his head, gripping her chin with the forefingers of his right hand. “Hands and knees. Face the couch.”

Kiara’s brow scrunches in confusion but she obliges. She waits, feeling vulnerable and exposed, as she hears Rafe drop to the ground behind her. Before she can look over her shoulder, she feels Rafe’s body bracket her own as he trails sloppy kisses down her spine. She hears a rustle as he finally removes his boxers, his erect cock brushing lightly against the wet folds of her pussy. Kiara moans at the slight contact, and tries to keep him between her legs by drawing her knees together. Rafe grabs her hips roughly, pulling her back towards him and spreading her legs even wider.

“No, no. Keep your legs open. I want to see you,” Rafe says, his voice raspy. He places one palm on the middle of her back, forcing her downwards so that she’s resting on her forearms with her ass in the air.

“God,” Rafe groans from behind her. “You’re so fucking wet for me. Look at that greedy little pussy.” Without any warning Kiara feels his tongue pressing into the folds of her vagina, lapping at the wetness before he pulls back and runs his flat tongue all the way up to her other entrance. Kiara grips the carpet harder with a gasp.

“Shit!” She yells, panting hard. It’s a strange feeling, but she doesn’t dislike it. He does it again and again, making Kiara feel lightheaded.

“You dirty girl,” Rafe says as he shoves three fingers into Kiara’s pussy without warning, the delicious stretch forcing a long moan out of her. “You like anything I give you, isn’t that right?” Kiara can feel his hard cock resting against her ass as he fucks into her with his fingers, his other hand reaching around to rub at her clit again. Kiara is shocked at how quickly she feels on the edge again.

“Rafe, I’m close. Please put it in before I cum again, I want to feel you,” Kiara starts blabbering as she nears her release, desperate to feel something more than fingers inside of her.

“No,” Rafe says, leaning forward so he’s whispering in her ear. “I’m not done yet.” He rubs on her clit even harder, curving his fingers inside of her so they reach the spongy area at the front of her vagina. As he massages her clit and g-spot at the same time, Kiara crests the wave of her release, her pussy pulsing as she cums onto Rafe’s fingers again. She collapses onto the carpet, her ass still up as she pulls in ragged gasps of air. Her own breathing is so loud that she barely hears the snap of rubber behind her. Rafe pushes her hair off the nape of her neck and kisses the small of her back, before lining up his cock and pushing into her without any warning.

“Shit!” She yells for what feels like the 20th time tonight. “Oh my god, Rafe. I- I can’t. It’s too much.” She moans, her fingers clawing at the carpet. Rafe is thick but also long, and she can feel him stretch her with every thrust.

“You can take it,” he says coaxingly, the hands on her waist holding her ass up. “Your pussy is nice and wet for me. I promise you can.” As Kiara lets herself be fucked into the carpet, her legs shaking with the effort of holding herself up, she feels Rafe grab a chunk of her hair near the root and yank gently, forcing her head up. She lets out a breathless gasp, the sharp pain sending a thrill through her entire body.

“Good or bad?” Rafe asks, pausing his thrusts briefly to check on her.

“Fucking great,” she admits. “Do it again,” she moans as he resumes thrusting, picking up the pace.

“Dirty girl,” Rafe purrs approvingly, giving her ass the lightest of slaps as he pulls out. Kiara groans in protest, making Rafe chuckle. “Flip over, beautiful. I want to see you.”

Rafe’s smooth, tan skin is glistening with sweat as he hovers over her, and Kiara can’t help but pull him down by the shoulder and lap at his neck, tasting the saltiness of his sweat. Rafe lets out a loud groan as she catches him off guard. Kiara latches onto his neck with her lips, sucking a bruise onto the skin near his collarbone and grazing the sensitive area with her teeth.

“Shit, Kie, you’re going to be the death of me,” Rafe grits out as she releases his neck. He stands up and pulls Kiara to her feet, leading her to the couch. He sits with his legs spread, his hard cock standing at attention, and pulls Kiara onto his lap. “Bounce on my cock, Kie. Make me feel good.”

“Oh, make you feel good? What about me, asshole?” Kiara says as she settles on his lap, feeling the heat of his skin in so many places. Rafe cups her tits appreciatively, rubbing at her nipples and making her shudder.

“I’m still in charge here. Don’t get that twisted.” Rafe’s eyes are intense as he lifts Kiara’s hips slightly, slipping his cock into her willing pussy.

“You know, this is so much sexier when you’re not talking,” Kiara pants as she finds her rhythm, the sound of skin slapping skin filling the room.

“So I’ve been told,” Rafe says with a smirk. Before Kiara can reply, he starts thrusting sharply up into her, and she throws her head back with a long moan. “Think you can give me another one, good girl? Are you getting close?” Rafe asks, squeezing her ass with both hands.

“I’m not,” Kiara’s hands are on Rafe’s shoulders, using them as leverage as she bounces on his cock, “your good girl.” Kiara clenches her teeth as she looks at him, and Rafe’s blue eyes flash dangerously, like she’s just issued a challenge.

“Oh yes you are,” he responds, starting to snap his hips so rapidly that all Kiara can do is grip the back of the couch and hold on for dear life. He hits her sweet spot over and over again, and Kiara can’t even stifle the drawn out moans leaving her mouth. Her eyes roll back into her head, and it takes a tremendous effort to look down and see how Rafe is doing.

Rafe’s eyes are clenched shut now, and his brows are drawn together. When he opens them again, Kiara can tell he’s close by the hazy look on his eyes. Rafe traces two fingers along Kiara’s bottom lip, gripping onto her hip with the other hand to keep his rhythm. “I’m going to cum, and I want you to cum with me, okay?”

“No,” Kiara says, biting down on one of his fingers. “Don’t tell me what to do.” But she’s getting close anyway, and she’s not going to last much longer with his dick hitting the spot it’s hitting.

“You have such a tight little pussy,” he moans, his thrusts more erratic now. “You’re fucking amazing, Kie.” As Rafe reaches his climax, he lets out a long, deep moan into the side of Kiara’s neck, his fingers digging into her waist to the point of pain. “Fuck!” He groans, inhaling the sweet smell of her. His eyes snap open as he fills the condom, watching as Kiara cums again, the gentle grinding motion of Rafe’s cock sending her over the edge. As she rides her third release of the night, Kiara feels blissful nothingness, relaxing into her body with a sense of peace and contentment unlike anything she’s known before.

They stay pressed together, rocking slightly, until Rafe is groaning from overstimulation. Kiara lifts off of him and swings her leg to the side, plopping onto the couch next to him. For a minute or two, there’s nothing but the sound of their labored breathing. Now that she can think a little more clearly, Kiara doesn’t know what to say, and she has to fight the ridiculous urge to throw her clothes back on and run out the door. She finally turns her head and looks at Rafe, who is already studying her intently. He hesitates for a second before leaning in, placing a gentle and lingering kiss on her lips. Kiara kisses him back for a moment before he pulls away, his blue eyes unreadable. She wishes she knew what he was thinking.

“Do you want to rinse off?” He says, breaking the silence. He stands up, pulling the condom off and tossing it into the trash. Kiara tries not to stare.

“Yeah, sure, but you can go first,” she says, waving him off. “I need a few more seconds to catch my breath.”

He smiles his lopsided smile before disappearing into the bathroom. Kiara stares at the ceiling and tries unsuccessfully not to think about anything. What the hell did I just do?

Rafe steps out of the small bathroom not even 5 minutes later, tossing her a towel. “All yours,” he says, running a hand through his damp hair. He seems distracted and distant, and Kiara’s heart drops into her stomach. Is he already regretting this? Is she already regretting it? She mumbles out a thanks and dips into the bathroom, turning on the water as hot as it will go. She curses herself for sleeping with Rafe when she should have stayed pissed at him. Where was her usual willpower? She doesn’t fuck Kooks. Especially not this Kook. As she steps out of the steamy bathroom, a towel wrapped around her, she’s annoyed to see that Rafe is already in the bed, snuggled under the covers. Does he expect her to leave now?

“Stay,” Rafe mumbles as she hovers near the foot of the bed uncertainly. “It’s late. There’s a shirt on the end of the bed.” He doesn’t say anything else, and his breathing deepens as he falls asleep.

Kiara pulls on the shirt with a soft sigh, slipping cautiously into bed beside Rafe. Her wet hair is dripping down the back of her neck, so she wraps it in the towel before lying down. She faces away from Rafe and tries to slow her rapid heartbeat. After staring into the darkness in front of her for a while, Kiara finally drifts off into a restless sleep.

———————————————————————

Kiara wakes up before Rafe, as the rising sun is peeking in between the curtains of the boat cabin. Kiara squints into the light with one eye, reaching over to tap her phone. It’s 7:30 a.m. Her stomach drops when she sees that she has no less than 15 missed called. At least 10 are from John B, JJ, and Pope, and the other 5 are from her parents. Shit . She’s going to have some explaining to do.

She gently lifts the covers enough for her to slip out, trying not to wake Rafe. He seems like a heavy sleeper, because he doesn’t even stir as she tiptoes to her clothes. After she hurriedly pulls her jeans and sweatshirt back on and shoves her feet into her shoes, she looks at Rafe’s sleeping form uncertainly. Should she wake him up and say bye? What would be the point of doing that? It was awkward enough last night. She doesn’t feel great about fucking and fleeing, though, so she fishes around for a pen and paper and writes him a brief note.

It was nice “talking,” but that can’t happen again. See you next semester, Kiara scrawls on a piece of paper. She places it under Rafe’s keys where he’s sure to find it, before slipping out into the chilly December dawn.

Kiara doesn’t want to face her parents yet, so she sends her mom a quick text that she crashed at the Chateau and will be home later. She also sends a text to the Pogues, asking if they want to meet up for breakfast around 9. She smiles as the replies pop up on her phone eventually.

JJ: She lives! I’m down :)

Pope: we were worried about you :/ what spot for breakfast?

John B: Can Sarah come?

After a refreshing parking lot nap, Kiara stretches as she walks into the Corner Café. She’s the first one there, so she grabs a table for 5, sliding into the large booth and ordering a coffee as she waits for her friends. As she grips the cup in her hands, she hears the familiar sound of her friends coming through the door.

“There she is!” JJ calls out as they approach, sliding into the booth next to her and resting his head on her shoulder. “We missed you last night,” he pouts, but Kiara can tell he’s not serious.

“Last night?” She asks as Pope, John B, and Sarah squeeze into the other side of the booth.

“Yeah, we were supposed to hang last night, remember? Where were you?” Pope’s eyebrows are drawn together, and Kiara fights the blush threatening to spread to her cheeks. Kiara knows this is a pivotal moment, and for a moment she seriously considers telling them the truth, even thought she knows the reaction she’s going to get. She figures that this is her family, that she shouldn’t be keeping secrets from them. But as she looks into Sarah’s wide brown eyes, she can’t bring herself to be honest about where she was.

“I’m so sorry, guys,” she starts, pushing the hair out of her face. “We were so slammed last night, and when my shift was done I just got home and crashed. I’m sorry I didn’t text, though. Did you guys have a good time?” She asks, trying to divert the attention away from her. Pope eyes her skeptically, but everyone else nods understandingly.

“It was sick,” John B pipes up. “You missed out. We had a Mario Kart tournament.”

“And we let Sarah use your main,” JJ says, elbowing her playfully. Kiara looks at him in horror, before narrowing her eyes at Sarah.

“Tell me this isn’t true,” Kiara replies, feigning outrage.

“Sorry,” Sarah giggles. “Toad is mine now.”

“Over my dead body!” Kiara shouts. As they order pancakes and talk until their coffees get cold, Kiara relaxes into her body again, letting the comfort and familiarity of being with her friends wipe all other thoughts from her mind. She doesn’t know that down at the harbor, Rafe is just now waking up. His fingers reach for her side of the bed, only to be met with cold emptiness.

———————————————————————

It’s later that day, just after 9 p.m., when both of her parents finally get home. Kiara’s lying on the couch with her feet propped up, catching up on Love Island. “Hey guys!” She shouts as they enter the front hall.

“Where the hell were you last night, Kiara?” Her dad asked as he storms into the room, his tone making her sit up straight in alarm  She forgot she was going to be in trouble.

“I’m sorry, I really am. I got everything done at work, but then I met up with my friends and ending up crashing at the Chateau since it was so late. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“We’re glad you’re safe,” her mom begins, but her dad interrupts her impatiently.

“You’re sorry. You’re sorry?? What good is that when your mother is up all night worrying about where you are? What good is sorry when we need you at The Wreck and you’re nowhere to be found?” Her dad is standing over her on the couch, looking at her disapprovingly.

“Dad, I worked when I was supposed to,” Kiara gets to her feet, feeling defensive. “I’m sorry about not calling or texting, but you guys know I’m usually with the Pogues.”

Her dad scoffs. “The Pogues, of course. Always the Pogues. When are you going to realize that you have real responsibilities, Kiara? When are you finally going to grow up?”

“What are you even talking about, Dad?” Kiara is starting to get really upset now. “I’ve gone through a whole semester of college, where I do everything completely independently. I take care of myself, Dad, and if you ever bothered to look at what I send you, I did a damn good job, too. I made Dean’s list.”

“Yeah, with your ‘major’ and your ‘extracurriculars.’” Mike emphasizes the words with air quotes, making Kiara’s blood boil. “You’re wasting your time when you could be doing something worthwhile. A lawyer, a doctor, an accountant, even, but you want to spend your time trying to save the world.”

“Do you even hear yourself?” Kiara is shouting now, matching her dad’s tone. “Since when is trying to work on the environment not a worthy pursuit? You guys have always known that I’ve wanted to do this. Mom, back me up here,” she turns and looks desperately at her mom for support, but her mom avoids eye contact.

“I’m sorry, Kiara. We just want you to be realistic about your future,” her mom says, trying to be conciliatory.

“You need to join us in the real world, Kiara. The world where you go to college for something that’s actually going to get you a job.”

“You guys are unbelievable. This is why I never talk to you guys about anything. You always find a new way to make me feel like shit,” Kiara shoves past them and head towards the front door, trying to keep the tears welling in her eyes from spilling over.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going, Kiara??” Her dad shouts, starting to follow her. “We’re not done here!”

“I’m an adult! I don’t have to tell you where I’m going!” Kiara retorts as she grabs her keys and walks out the door, slamming it shut behind her. Kiara throws her car into drive once she’s inside, too upset to think about where she’s going. Before she’s even decided on a destination, she finds herself heading towards Tannyhill. It’s been a long time, but she still remembers how to get there. As she crunches up the gravel driveway, all Kiara can think about is the sweet nothingness she felt last night. All she wants right now is to feel that peace again. She parks in a turnaround near the sprawling house, sighing in relief when she sees Rafe’s car parked in the driveway.

Kiara doesn’t have a collateral plan if someone opens the door who isn’t Rafe, but it turns out she doesn’t need one. When Rafe answers the door he’s dressed in grey sweatpants and a forest green crew neck, looking soft and sleepy. Kiara can’t believe she saw him naked not even 24 hours ago.

“Hey,” Rafe says, eyeing her warily. Instead of responding, Kiara thrusts herself forward, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing her mouth against his in a desperate kiss.

Chapter Text

Rafe freezes for a second, his surprise locking him in place. After a few moments he reaches up and grips Kiara’s forearms, pulling her away and forcing her to look at him.

“What the hell, Kiara? What happened to ‘thanks, but this can never happen again?’” Rafe’s eyebrows are drawn together, and his blue eyes are uncharacteristically serious.

“I changed my mind.” Kiara rises onto her tip toes, pushing back against Rafe’s hold and trying to reach his lips again.

“Oh, and what you want is all that matters?” Rafe replies coolly, narrowing his eyes. Kiara steps back with a huff.

“So I guess that means you want me to leave?” Kiara raises her eyebrows, issuing a silent challenge to him. If he wants her to go, she’ll go. Rafe sighs but says nothing, his eyes darting off to the side before returning to her face begrudgingly. “That’s what I thought,” Kiara says smugly.

“Shut up,” Rafe replies as he reaches over her shoulder, shutting the front door. Kiara is distracted by his proximity for a moment as his warm smell hits her, more musky than yesterday. Without thinking she reaches for him again, wanting to know if he tastes as good as he smells. Rafe steps back and shakes his head. “Not here, c’mon. Follow me.” He holds out a hand and Kiara links her fingers through his. They leave the entry of the house and make their way towards the steps to the second level.

“Is your dad home?” Kiara whispers, suddenly alarmed. She’s just now remembering that other people live in this house.

“No, but Sarah is around here somewhere.” As they creep up the steps, Kiara stumbles forward and barely catches herself on the banister. “Be quiet, what are you doing??” Rafe hisses over his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, you’re going too fast! I missed a step,” Kiara says with a laugh, trying to keep up.

They reach the landing of the second floor and Rafe leads her to the third door on the right. The room is a sprawling suite with a king bed and a large bathroom attached. Kiara suppresses the urge to whistle in appreciation, not wanting to give Rafe the satisfaction. Kiara presses Rafe against the door as soon as he’s done shutting it behind them, her fingers roaming his chest greedily. She leaves a trail of kisses down his neck, the only exposed skin she can reach. Rafe’s breath quickens, but he tries to pull away again.

“Listen, I think maybe we should talk about last night before-“ Rafe stops abruptly as Kiara strips off her loose sweatshirt and pants, leaving her standing in nothing but her underwear. “Shit.” His eyes rake over her body greedily, and Kiara feels a thrill as he licks his lips without realizing it.

“Still want to talk?” She smirks when she moves within arm’s reach and Rafe’s hands instinctively move to grip her bare waist.

“Not particularly,” Rafe admits. Kiara chuckles to herself. Men are too easy.

“Take your clothes off.” She tugs at the hem of his shirt impatiently. Rafe obliges with a chuckle, but pauses before taking off his pants.

“Does that mean you want to be in charge today?” Rafe’s eyes glint with amusement as Kiara drinks in the sight of his toned body again. She still can’t believe anyone actually looks like this.

“No, I just want you to stop talking and start getting naked.”

Kiara feels something ugly bubbling in her chest, and all she knows is that she needs a distraction. She wants to get out of her head. As Rafe loosens the waistband of his sweats and drops them to the ground, Kiara yanks his boxers down and drops to her knees in front of him. He looks taken aback as she takes his semi-hard dick in her hand, licking at the smooth tip. She tugs gently, and it doesn’t take long before he’s hard enough to put into her mouth. Kiara wouldn’t say that giving head is her favorite activity, but she’s had a lot of practice; she hollows out her cheeks and swirls her tongue as she works him in and out of her mouth, setting a steady rhythm. She’s careful to avoid grazing him with her teeth, and she hears him take a shuddering breath as she picks up the pace. His hands come lightly to her shoulders, but it’s not enough. Kiara needs more. Even though she hasn’t done it in a long time, she breathes in deep through her nose and shifts so she can take more of his dick down her throat, shoving deeper and deeper until it activates her gag reflex. Kiara’s eyes water as Rafe grips her shoulders, alarmed.

“Take it easy, don’t hurt yourself Kie.” This only spurs her on, and Kiara swallows him down even deeper. She continues sucking even as she feels the burn of tears in her eyes, even as she coughs and splutters. Her brain is mercifully silent, and she doesn’t even notice that Rafe is telling her to stop until he grabs her gently and pulls her off, his dick shining with her spit.

“What’s going on with you??” Rafe asks, looking at her with concern. Kiara hates the look in his eyes. She pants heavily, trying to regain her breath, and all she can do is shake her head. He continues to stare at her uncertainly as he helps her to her feet. Kiara doesn’t have it in her to explain, can’t offer any rationalization for her behavior. She simply looks at Rafe, silently asking him to understand.

“Please,” she whispers. Kiara isn’t sure what Rafe sees in her face, but something there makes him soften as he looks at her.

“Alright,” he relents, bringing a hand up to cup her face in an uncharacteristically soft manner. “Lay down on the bed. Face down.”

Kiara buzzes with excitement as she settles on the bed, the cool air kissing her bare thighs as she waits. She hears Rafe rustle around in a drawer somewhere behind her. She hears him approach, then waits with anticipation building between her legs as he hesitates for several seconds. The only sound in the room that Kiara can hear is her own breathing. Just when Kiara is about to tell Rafe to hurry up, he grabs her hips roughly and pulls her towards him, ripping off her underwear and slipping his cock inside her without warning. Kiara gasps as he patiently works his way inside her, the lack of lubrication making the stretch deliciously painful.

“This what you wanted?” Rafe asks gruffly, yanking at the hair near the base of her neck when she doesn’t respond.

“Yes, yes,” Kiara moans, too desperate to be embarrassed by her own eagerness. She sighs in relief when Rafe’s finally able to enter her to the hilt, giving her a second to adjust before snapping his hips with purpose. His grip on her hips is bruising, and Kiara revels in the feeling, the pain that’s indistinguishable from pleasure. With every thrust Kiara can hear herself groan noisily, and she presses her face into the bedspread to muffle the sound. Rafe traces one hand down her spine appreciatively before slapping her ass, making sure the sound isn’t too loud.

“Just needed this dick inside of you again, didn’t you? Couldn’t give it up?”

Kiara rolls her eyes and says nothing. She’s desperate, but not that desperate. Rafe stills his hips, coming to a stop just outside of Kiara. She scoots back and grunts in protest, but Rafe holds her in place with one hand pressed to the small of her back.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“Obviously not,” Kiara huffs, turning her head to the side, attempting in vain to glare at him.

“Then say it,” his voice is low and commanding, and Kiara would be irritated if it didn’t sound so sexy.

“I’m not saying that to you,” Kiara deadpans, but she gasps as Rafe shoves his dick inside of her as far as she can take him. He pulls all the way out before repeating the motion, propelling Kiara’s body forward with the force of his thrusts. She bites down on the bedspread to keep from screaming. “Oh fuck,” she moans shakily instead.

“You sure?” Rafe sounds smug, punctuating the question with another thrust.

“Alright, alright. Fine. I couldn’t wait to have your dick inside of me again,” Kiara forces out through clenched teeth. “Just don’t stop doing that. Yeah, yeah, more.” Kiara’s entire body shudders as he pushes even deeper inside of her.

“More?” Rafe sounds impressed. “Do you want it rougher?” Kiara nods enthusiastically, gripping the bedspread tightly between her fingers.

Rafe pulls Kiara’s hands behind her back, gathering her wrists into one of his large hands. “If I had something to do it with, I’d tie you up right now.” Heat shoots through Kiara from her toes to the tips of her fingers, and she feels the slide of Rafe’s cock inside her become even smoother. The bed is squeaking with every snap of Rafe’s hips, and Kiara is letting out long, strangled moans whenever his dick hits just right inside of her. Suddenly Rafe pauses and clamps a hand over Kiara’s mouth, leaning over so his lips are close to her ear.

“Rafe?? Are you in there??” The voice is muffled by the door, but Kiara recognizes Sarah easily. She expects panic to grip her, but Kiara is ashamed that the primary thing she feels knowing her friend is outside the door is incredibly turned on. Rafe seems to intuit this, because he starts grinding into Kiara more intently, making her groan softly. He tightens his grip over her mouth, and she pants under his hand. He’s fucking evil, but right now she can’t get enough.

“Do you like this, you little slut? Fucking with someone right on the other side of the door? How would you feel if Sarah knew my dick was inside you right now?” Kiara accidentally moans loudly, the sound only partially muffled by Rafe’s hand. They both tense and wait to see if Sarah noticed the sound.

“Rafe? Did you hear me? What are you even doing in there?” Sarah asks impatiently.

“Yes, Sarah, Jesus. What?” Rafe calls out to her, his voice low and rough.

“I just wanted to tell you I’m heading to John B’s, geez. I’ll be back later.”

“Bye,” Rafe calls out through clenched teeth, drops of sweat falling off of him and onto Kiara’s back.

“Rude ass,” Sarah yells back, and then they hear footsteps descending the stairs and the sound of the front door slamming. Rafe releases Kiara’s mouth and leans over her shoulder, biting the smooth skin there before pulling out. The sound it tears out of her throat makes Rafe smirk in approval.

“You little freak. Get up for me,” Rafe instructs, helping Kiara up by the forearm. He settles onto the bed with his back against the headboard, his toned arms folded behind his head. Waiting. “I want you to ride me,” he says, patting his lap.

Kiara rolls her eyes, not as blinded by lust now that Sarah is gone. “You know, I don’t think you telling me what to do is like, feminist or empowering or whatever.”

Rafe scoffs. “That’s bullshit, Kiara.”

“I’m sorry, who made you the expert on women’s empowerment, Mr. cis male?” Kiara narrows her eyes at him, refusing to back down.

“You know what I think is empowering, Kiara? Doing whatever makes you feel good. Doing what you want  to do.” Kiara feels her face heat, but she says nothing as Rafe stares at her. “Does what we’ve been doing make you feel good?” She nods reluctantly, approaching the bed.

“Do you not want to do this? Do you not like when I tell you what to do? I need you to tell me, Kie. I’m just trying things out,” Rafe continues, his voice gentler now. He’s still looking at her with his piercing blue eyes, searching for answers.

“No, I…I like it. I want it. I just don’t…know if I should. Like it,” Kiara admits, trying to swallow the shame that rises in her throat.

“Don’t worry about that. Focus on what feels good. Just let go.” Rafe pats his lap again, his tone firm and confident again. “Hop up on my lap, alright? Ride me.” Kiara nods, starting to climb on top of him so they’re face to face, but he shakes his head. “Other way. We’ll make you feel real good, I promise.” Rafe’s voice comes out sounding like a seductive purr. He cups her chest briefly before Kiara turns around, her face burning at being so exposed in front of him. She notices that there’s a mirror on the wall opposite them, and she darts her gaze away after seeing their naked bodies in the reflection. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah,” Kiara says breathlessly, lifting her hips and sinking down onto his length. She gasps at the feeling of the new angle, at the way it pushes his dick into the front wall of her vagina with concentrated force. She braces her hands on Rafe’s outstretched legs, taking a deep breath as she slowly works her way up and down his length.

“How does it feel?” Rafe asks gruffly, sounding a little out of breath himself.

“Weird. Intense. But good,” Kiara says, starting to move up and down faster while keeping her eyes down. Rafe is so thick and wide that she has to focus to keep from going too hard, but once she settles into a rhythm, the pleasure has her seeing stars.

“Look up, Kie. Look at me,” Rafe says between pants, and Kiara knows he means in the mirror. She can feel his eyes on her through the reflection, and she resists the urge to say no. She looks up slowly, blushing fiercely but forcing herself to maintain eye contact in the mirror. She bites her lip as she watches Rafe watch her, her perky tits bouncing and smooth abdomen contracting as she rides him with purpose. Kiara flips her hair behind her shoulder, batting her eyelashes at Rafe before turning her attention back to the mirror. Rafe groans, throwing his head back onto the headboard without ever taking his eyes off her completely.

“Fuck, Kiara, I’m not going to last long like this. I have an incredible view. You look so sexy like this,” he groans, his voice hungry. His pupils are blown wide, and Kiara drinks in the sight of Rafe looking so desperate and affected. She starts to move even faster, feeling the heat start to build between her thighs. Kiara feels the delicious emptiness take hold of her mind, wiping out any thoughts that aren’t about this. About Rafe’s hands on her body and how he feels inside of her.

“Keep up this pace and you won’t have to last much longer,” Kiara admits, gripping onto Rafe’s thighs as he thrusts sharply into her. “Grab my neck, Rafe.”

“What?” Rafe sounds distracted, so Kiara squeezes his legs harder to try and get his attention.

“Like you’re choking me from behind. And touch my clit.” Kiara’s grabs one of his hands and brings it between her legs, encouraging him to move his fingers in time with her body’s movements. “Choke me, Rafe,” she directs, giving him a sultry stare in the mirror. Rafe groans loudly and grips the back of her neck with his long fingers, trying to simultaneously rub at her clit. Kiara thinks absentmindedly that she’s impressed with his multi-tasking abilities. And then she’s not able to think at all, because the combination of the pain from Rafe’s grip on her neck, the attention on her clit, and the pressure from his dick inside of her send her hurtling towards her release. The strength of her orgasm catches them both off guard, and Kiara lets out a series of broken moans through her open mouth, the pleasure so intense that she almost feels like sobbing. She digs her nails into Rafe’s thighs, and the sight of Kiara’s face twisted in pleasure and the pulsing of her walls around him send Rafe over the edge as well.

“Fuck, Kie,” he groans as he finishes into the condom, continuing to fuck into her even as she comes down from her own release. When his hips finally stop moving, they make eye contact in the mirror. Their bodies are glistening with sweat, their chests heaving, and their eyes are glazed and unfocused. Kiara flops forward onto Rafe’s legs, trying to catch her breath as the warm contentment of her release spreads through her. Rafe chuckles at the sight of her sprawled on the bed, and at the way she doesn’t move even when he tries to extract himself from under her. “Kie, move,” he mutters, laughing as she groans in protest. He slips out from under her and pops into the bathroom to dispose of the condom and rinse off. When he re-enters the room, towel wrapped around his waist and bare chest glistening with stray water droplets, he sees that Kiara is sitting up on the edge of the bed, watching him.

“Can I…” she gestures towards the bathroom uncertainly.

“Oh yeah, go ahead. Extra towels are on the shelf.” Rafe tousles his wet hair anxiously as Kiara shuts the bathroom door, hoping things aren’t going to be as weird between them as they were last night. On the other side of the door, Kiara is thinking the same thing as she steps into the steaming shower. She’s not necessarily regretting what happened, but she’s wondering if it was the wisest choice. But as she rubs soap over her wet body, remembering the feeling of Rafe’s grip on her neck and the rush of pleasure she just experienced, she considers the very real possibility that she might not even care what’s wise at this point. She’s still not sure how she feels when she walks out of the bathroom, but her heart clenches at the sight of Rafe waiting for her, holding out her clothes with a small smile on his face. Kira is hit with a strange panic, a weird feeling she can’t identify, and once again has to smother the urge to run out of the room.

“I think we should talk,” she blurts out after she pulls her clothes back on, drying her hair with a towel haphazardly. Rafe sits down slowly on the edge of the bed and looks at her intently.

“Oh, so now you want to talk,” Rafe teases, but he looks a little nervous. Maybe even worried. He gestures for her to sit next to him.

“Yeah, I’m sorry that I didn’t want to before,” Kiara says, playing with a thread on the bedspread below them. “But you’re right. We should talk about this. I’m not entirely sure that this is a great idea. What we did. Twice,” she adds sheepishly.

“It’s a little late for that train of thought, isn’t it?” Rafe chuckles humorlessly, trying to disguise the uneasiness he feels. “Do you regret it?”

“No, no.” Kiara’s shakes her head. “But it’s not too late for it to not happen again. Listen Rafe…we go to school together, we live in the same town, and your sister is one of my best friends. On top of that, we’re not only in the same bio section, but we’re partners for the whole year. It felt awkward last night, after the first time, and I don’t want things to be awkward. Or weird. Or fucked up.” Kiara looks down into her lap, refusing to meet Rafe’s gaze as he replies.

“I was just tired last night. I don’t think it’s as big of a deal as you’re making it, Kie. It’s just sex.” If Kiara had been looking at Rafe while he said this, she would have seen his Adam’s apple bob nervously. But she keeps her eyes down, so she doesn’t see the swallow or the way his eyes search her anxiously as he waits for a response.

Kiara scoffs. “Yeah, like sex never complicated anything.” Rafe feels himself bristle, responding before he can think better of it.

“You have sex with JJ and you’re still friends, right? How is this different?” Rafe knows instantly that this was the wrong thing to say. He watches as Kiara’s body immediately stiffens into a defensive posture.

“You have Sofia, don’t you? Why do we even need to do this at all?” Kiara fires back, instead of explaining to Rafe that this is completely different. That she’s known JJ practically her whole life, that she trusts him completely, that she knows their relationship could survive anything. She keeps this to herself and watches as Rafe’s nostrils flare, bracing herself for a snappy comeback. But to her surprise, he takes a deep breath and responds calmly, even though it appears to take a lot of effort to do so.

“I think we complement each other. You and I. The sex has been good. Why not do it?” Very simple boy logic, but also pretty hard to argue with. Kiara tries to search for another objection but comes up empty. She doesn’t disagree with what he’s saying, and the sex has been very good. Like really, really good. She knows she’s not ready to give it up yet.

Kiara takes a deep breath. “If this is going to work, I think we should lay out some ground rules.”

Rafe scoffs, looking at her incredulously. “Rules? That’s one way to suck the fun out of everything. I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“Would you stop being so difficult and just listen to me?” Kiara slaps his thigh and he yelps in protest, but he seems to be listening. “First, like you said, it’s just sex. We’re both seeing other people, so let’s not make it something it’s not, right? No spending the night, no hooking up while we’re on Kildare. That seems like a one way ticket to messy town.” She counts off the rules on her fingers.

“Do you have a pen? I think I’m going to have to write this down,” Rafe interrupts her, pretending like he’s patting at imaginary pockets.

Kiara ignores him and keeps talking. “No sex on consecutive days-“

“Wait, why??” Rafe seems genuinely bothered by the suggestion, and Kiara feels a surge of satisfaction.

“Space is usually important when you’re trying to keep things casual. It’s just a good rule of thumb,” Kiara shrugs, and Rafe realizes this must be a rule she has with JJ, too. He hates the thought of them together and tries to quickly push it out of his mind. “And lastly, we don’t tell anyone. Especially not anyone from home.” All the fingers on Kiara’s right hand are raised. Five rules.

“Ah, you don’t want your little boyfriend finding out?” Okay, so maybe Rafe didn’t do a great job of pushing aside his annoyance about the thing with JJ.

Kiara rolls her eyes. “Or your sister. Word travels fast around here, and on campus too. I’m sure you don’t want your girlfriend finding out, either.”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Rafe mumbles, but he gets the point.

“Anything else to add before I head out?” Kiara slaps her hands on her knees, preparing to stand up. Her tone is casual and polite, like they’re two acquaintances that just got done talking about the weather. Rafe wrinkles his noise disapprovingly.

“You know, I’m rethinking this whole thing now that you sucked all the fun out of it,” Rafe says as Kiara walks towards the door, trying to get a reaction out of her. He watches as she looks at him over her shoulder, flicking her damp hair out of her face and looking at him mischievously with her warm brown eyes.

“No, you’re not. See you back on campus,” she says with a coy smile, opening the door and heading for the stairs. As she reaches the top step she turns around and calls out, “Oh, and Merry Christmas, Scrooge!” Then she skips down the stairs and out the front door, leaving Rafe to wonder what the hell just happened.

———————————————————————

Kiara doesn’t necessarily make up with her parents after their fight, but they establish a tentative peace for the holidays. Christmas passes without incident, but Kiara is relieved when the day is over and she can escape to the Chateau. Kiara has a small extended family, but she doesn’t have much in common with the few aunts, uncles, and cousin’s from her mom’s side that come over for the Christmas meal. They always come in swinging their designer bags, gossiping about their equally wealthy neighbors, wrinkling their noses no matter how good the food is, and making passive aggressive comments to her mom. Kiara is much younger than them, but she can’t help but think about how out of touch they are with the real world, about real problems and real suffering. She’s always relieved when Christmas Day ends and she can slip away to spend time with people she actually enjoys being around.

Spending the day after Christmas together is a tradition for the Pogues, but this year is a little different for a few reasons. For one, Sarah and Cleo are joining for the festivities; Cleo took a bus all the way here, and she’s going to stay with Pope and his family until it’s time to go back to school (a fact that Kiara and the other Pogues have teased him endlessly for). The increase in attendance at their Christmas celebration means that getting gifts for everyone would be unrealistic for the broke Pogues, so Kiara organized a Secret Santa instead. Big John is around but essentially lets them roam the Chateau as they wish, turning a blind eye to their drinking and carrying on as long as they don’t damage the property or each other.

The Pogues sit in a circle on the floor of the Chateau’s living room, a fire crackling in the old fireplace that warms the drafty room. It’s finally time for the gift exchange, and everyone’s trying to swap without spilling spiked cocoa out of their mugs. All of them except for JJ, who watches them struggle while he sips out of a beer can.

“This is why I stick with beer. Y’all are spilling those frou frou drinks all over the place.”

“You know, you could help us instead of just sitting there,” Kiara points out, giving him a withering look.

“Here, at least take this one. It’s for you, dummy,” Pope says, handing JJ a small bag with a reindeer on the front.

“Aw Pope, you shouldn’t have,” JJ teases, placing one hand over his heart dramatically.

“I didn’t have a choice, actually,” Pope reminds him.

“Alright, stop arguing boys. It’s Christmas,” Sarah scolds, but she’s smiling.

Once the gifts are all handed out, the Pogues dig into the packages haphazardly. From Cleo, Sarah opens a silk sleeping mask. Cleo remembered that Sarah keeps getting woken up early by the light coming into her room in the morning. Cleo gets a multi-pack of seasoning and hot sauces from John B, who was told by Pope that Cleo is always complaining about how bland the dining hall food is. John B’s Secret Santa is JJ, who surprises them all with a very thoughtful gift, a compass engraved with ‘P4L.’ JJ’s gift from Pope ends up being a new UNC hat in a light blue color that brings out his eyes. Pope’s gift from Kiara is a reading light that he can place over his bed, because she knows he stays up late reading and lately he’s been complaining about the eye strain from reading in the dark. Finally, Kiara opens her gift from Sarah, a beautiful gold necklace with an iridescent pendant in the shape of a sea turtle. Kiara looks up at Sarah, her eyes shining.

“Sarah, it’s so beautiful, but it’s really too much. I don’t know if I can accept this.”

Sarah waves her off impatiently. “Of course you can. I love you, Kie.”

Kiara pulls her into a fierce hug. “I love you too, Sar.”

“Isn’t that sweet,” JJ teases after they pull apart. “I’m just full to the brim with Christmas Spirit now.”

“I think I need a refill of this cocoa. This shit is fire,” Cleo says with a grin.

A little later on, Kiara heads to the bathroom. Before she leaves to rejoin her friends, she decides to put on her new necklace. As she admires it in the mirror, watching it shimmer on her chest, Kiara is struck with a devious idea and is just tipsy enough to go through with it. She shrugs out of her sweater until she’s standing in just her bra, a simple black number with a small bow in the middle. She adjusts the bra so her boobs are basically spilling out of it, before taking a few selfies. She touches the necklace in the photos, the movement making her chest look even better. She chooses the best picture and sends it before she can think better of it.

Kiara: New necklace. Thoughts?

Not even two minutes later, she gets a response that makes her chuckle.

Rafe: Just spit out my chicken all over the table. Fuck.

Rafe: Come over

Kiara grins smugly while tapping out a reply.

Kiara: Don’t tell me what to do.

Kiara: I can’t, I’m hanging out with the Pogues. and as you know, hooking up at home is against the rules

Rafe: This is why I didn’t want rules. Must be a boring party if ur texting me

Kiara rolls her eyes and heads back into the living room to join her friends. When she doesn’t reply for a while, her phone buzzes with another text from Rafe.

Rafe: How many days until we’re back at school?

Kiara: week and a half

Rafe: You’re so evil. I won’t forget this

Kiara: I hope you don’t

Kiara’s smiling at her phone without realizing, and most of the Pogues are too busy admiring their gifts and chatting to notice. But JJ watches her from across the room, his eyebrows drawing together in confusion.

———————————————————————

The next day after returning home from the Chateau, Kiara is having a quiet night in by herself. Her parents are out for a date night, and Kiara is relaxing on the couch when she hears a knock at the door. Kiara rolls off the couch with a sigh, figuring John B or JJ got bored and came to bother her. She yanks open the door and is surprised to see Rafe standing there instead, his chest heaving like he just ran a marathon. He runs a hand through his shaggy hair, the rings on his fingers glinting in the porch light.

“I saw Mike and Anna enter The Capital Grille as I was driving by.” The Capital Grille is a fancy steakhouse near Tannyhill, the spot for this month’s date night. “I couldn’t wait a week and half,” Rafe continues, stepping into Kiara’s house and shutting the door behind him. Kiara rolls her eyes but lets him pull her close, his blue eyes hungry and desperate. When their lips meet the kiss is all tongue and teeth. Kiara knows where this is going, but she can’t find it in herself to resist Rafe’s magnetic pull. She’s never been much of a rule follower anyway.

Chapter Text

It’s a little over a month into the new semester at UNC, and it turns out that Rafe and Kiara are not very good at following rules. Kiara guesses she should have known this as soon as they caved and hooked up while they were still on Kildare. But she was hopeful that when they returned to campus, they’d be able to follow the guidelines Kiara laid out. But it’s the third week in a row that Kiara and Rafe have had multiple “tutoring sessions” on consecutive days, violating yet another one of the rules. Needless to say, not much biology is getting done. Kiara finds herself constantly distracted by thoughts of sex with Rafe, whether it’s things they’ve already done or things she wants to try with him. She can’t believe how often she’s thinking about it. One night she even looks up sex addiction on the internet, because it seems like they can’t stay away from each other no matter how hard they try. It’s a miracle she’s even able to get to class with the way things have been going.

But being present somewhere physically doesn’t mean Kiara is there mentally. Which is why Cleo is now snapping her fingers in front of her face, trying to bring her back down to earth. “Kiara, did you hear anything I just said?”

Kiara looks at her guiltily, scrambling to try and pull something out of her ass.“Something about….turtles?” Cleo gives her a dirty look. They’re at a conservation club meeting, the purpose of which is to discuss the effort to save the sea turtle conservancy. Of course it was something about turtles.

“What’s up with you lately, man? You’ve been so spacey. Pope’s noticed it too,” she adds, looking at Kiara judgmentally. Even though Cleo is technically not wrong, she bristles at the accusation.

“Wow, I’m so glad you and your boyfriend have been so worried about me,” Kiara replies sarcastically, packing up her belongings as the meeting comes to an end. Cleo rolls her eyes, but she’s blushing. 

“We’re not dating. Not yet, at least,” Cleo says with uncharacteristic shyness, slinging her backpack over her shoulder. “I could see it happening soon, though.”

“I really hope he has enough sense not to ask you out on Valentine’s Day, though. Yuck.” Kiara shudders in mock horror. As they walk out of the Arts & Sciences building and out onto the darkening quad, Kiara prepares to split off from Cleo. “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow? Friday at the latest?” She’s already pulling out her phone, preparing to text Rafe that she’s free to “study.” She’s not proud of herself lately, but that’s still not stopping her. 

“Uh uh! You’re coming with me, little missy. You’re not running away so fast. You’re coming to dinner with me and Pope.”

“Wait, Cleo, I actually have stuff to do!” Kiara protests, trying to struggle against Cleo’s strong grip on her elbow to no avail.

“Don’t care! We’re doing dinner and you’re going to love every second of it.” Kiara groans in protest, but stops fighting eventually as she’s dragged along. You have to know when to pick your battles. And to be fair, she does have a good time with Pope and Cleo. Even though she finds their constant flirting to be somewhat nauseating (they’ve basically been together nonstop since their first kiss over Winter Break), it’s good to spend time with her friends, where everything is simple and straightforward. She tries to ignore the way her heart leaps into her throat when she feels her phone buzz, or the way she wants to run out of the room when she sees what the text from Rafe says.

Got a free evening. Can’t stop thinking about you. I could be at yours in 10.

Kiara takes a deep breath and flips her phone over, ignoring the text. She forces herself to stay put in the dining hall, even as her mind wanders to wherever Rafe is at the moment. Even as her mind replays the past few weeks on a loop. Even as she can’t stop picturing Rafe’s hands, his tongue, his stupid smirk.

The next day is Wednesday, so that means it’s a day when Kiara is actually supposed to try and teach Rafe biology. She’s antsy sitting across the table from Sarah, her chai long empty in front of her. They’re supposed to be doing work together until her tutoring session with Rafe, but Kiara can’t bring herself to focus. She hates how consumed she is by thoughts of Rafe, but she tells herself it’s just about the sex. She’s just a girl, and anyone would be obsessed with sex like she’s been having. 

“Kie, do you think I could get your advice about something?” Sarah asks, tapping nervously on the café table. 

“Usually I’d say yes, but I actually have to run in a few. Can we talk tomorrow, maybe?” Kiara is already packing up her books, getting ready to head to the library and meet Rafe. Sarah looks up at her, her eyebrows drawn together.

“You’re just meeting Rafe, right? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you were a little late,” Sarah presses. What Kiara can’t explain to her is that she doesn’t want to push her time with him any later, that she’s been itching to see him for the last 24 hours. Or more.

“We have this really big project to work on. I’m sorry, I really am. I promise we’ll talk about whatever you need advice on soon, okay?”

Sarah breathes out a long sigh before replying. “Alright. I’ll see you Friday at the Phi Mu thing?”

“Of course!” Kiara replies, even though she has no idea what Sarah’s talking about. She blows her a kiss as she leaves the table, and Sarah half-heartedly blows one back. Kiara feels guilty until she approaches the library, adrenaline taking over her body and making her forget that she’s being a bad friend, at least for the time being. She sees Rafe leaning against a library pillar like always, his relaxed posture contrasted by the look of consternation on his face.

“Why didn’t you answer my text yesterday?” He says immediately after Kiara joins him on the steps, without even so much as a hello.

“Well hello to you too!” Kiara says with a huff, turning towards the library entrance. “I was busy. That does happen sometimes, you know.” She doesn’t mention that she was busy against her will; he doesn’t need to know that.

“Could have at least texted me back,” Rafe mumbles, but he follows her into the building regardless. 

“Don’t be a baby,” Kiara replies, peeking into rooms and looking for an open one. She finds an empty room with a satisfied grunt. “Now, are you ready to put in some work?”

———————————————————————

As it turns out, he was not. An hour later, Kiara is still struggling to teach Rafe the basics of gene expression, while simultaneously fending off his various advances. At this moment he’s tracing one hand on the inside of her thigh, trying to get her to lose focus. Kiara is annoyed that it’s working, and she swats at his hand in an attempt to hold on to her willpower.

“Rafe! Paws off! We have work to do.” Kiara gives him a stern look and taps at the notes that are sitting in front of him. 

Rafe groans, throwing his hands up in protest. “I can’t help it. Lacrosse season is about to start, and I want to take advantage of every moment we have. And I just keep thinking about how badly I want to fuck you on this table.” Kiara feels traitorous heat ignite through her entire body, but she tries to extinguish it. She needs to focus. She can’t keep being so distracted by this thing with Rafe. This wasn’t the plan. 

“Cut it out, Rafe. We have to work on this project, so stop fucking around. Start thinking with your other head, for once.” Kiara tries to turn back to the desk, but Rafe grabs her by the hand, forcing her to look at him. 

“I’m being serious, Kie. How would that make you feel? Fucking in the library? Where anyone might walk in?” Rafe is scanning her face for some indication of desire, but Kiara tries to school her face into a mask of annoyance to disguise any excitement she feels. 

“It would make me feel like I’m in danger of being put on some sort of watchlist. Let me go, Rafe.” Kiara tries to pull away, but Rafe holds on, reaching across her body and grabbing her other hand. He pins her with his icy blue eyes as he pulls her forward out of her chair and onto his lap.

“I saw how you reacted when Sarah was outside the door at Tannyhill. I think you like the idea, don’t you?” Rafe pushes Kiara’s hair away from her neck and nudges her head to the side with his nose. He starts to trail soft kisses across her jaw and down her neck, and Kiara sucks in a shaky breath, digging her fingernails into Rafe’s shoulders. “Biology can wait, Kie. I’m more interested in anatomy, anyway.”

“Corny ass,” Kiara says with a scoff, but she presses her body closer to Rafe’s anyway. “At least block the door with something. I’m not trying to get expelled,” Kiara relents, her resolve faltering. She feels Rafe’s smirk against her collar bone as he lifts her gently by the hips and sets her on the ground, before dragging his chair to the door and wedging it under the doorknob.

“Happy?” 

“Overjoyed,” Kiara deadpans, looking at him with her eyebrows raised. “Now what?”

“Sit up on the table,” he directs, his tone of voice already different. Whenever things between them get physical, it’s almost like Rafe shifts to a different persona entirely; his deep, gravelly voice is just part of the transformation.

Kiara obliges, sitting on the edge of the table and kicking off her sneakers. Rafe approaches slowly and deliberately, running his hands up her legs before starting to tug down her loose, flowy pants. Kiara catches his wrists before he can pull the green fabric all the way off. 

“I’m not getting naked in here, Rafe,” she warns, even as she feels wetness start to build between her thighs. Even as she itches to have his fingers on her bare skin.

“I don’t need you to be naked. Just a little less clothed,” Rafe purrs, yanking her pants off her ankles and stepping between her legs. He leans over and grabs something from the front pocket of his backpack, gripping Kiara’s bare thigh to keep his balance. He waves the retrieved condom in front of Kiara’s face, and she rolls her eyes.  

“Oh, you just happened to have one of those on you?” She teases. Rafe drops his pants and underwear enough to give him mobility as he pulls the condom on. 

“No, I was hoping for this,” he admits with a devious glint in his eyes. Before Kiara can say anything in return, Rafe shoves into her suddenly, forcing a guttural groan out of her lips. She wraps her legs around his waist, trying to ease the rough slide of Rafe’s dick inside of her. It’s become an unspoken challenge between the two of them; Rafe is prepping her less and less now, and Kiara is trying to see how much of the pain she can take. But they both know that she doesn’t just tolerate the pain, she loves it; she loves the burn and the stretch, loves the pain that morphs into pleasure as her wetness eases the slide. 

Rafe wraps his arms around her legs and uses them for leverage. Kiara leans back on her hands to support herself as he thrusts up into her, but she’s also holding herself up for selfish reasons; she’s discovered that she likes to watch Rafe fuck into her whenever possible. She likes to watch his dick disappear between her legs, reveling in the delicious lewdness of the motion, but she also likes to watch Rafe’s face and body as he works to pleasure them both. He takes on a certain otherworldly quality during sex, his toned muscles glistening with sweat and his chiseled face even more beautiful while contorted with pleasure. Eventually Kiara’s arms get tired and she lays back on the table, keeping her legs wrapped around Rafe. The change in angle and the uninhibited view of her body tears a strangled moan out of Rafe’s chest. 

“God, you’re so gorgeous, Kie. This view never gets old.” She revels in the compliments he gives out readily during sex, although she’d never admit it. The sound of muffled footsteps outside the door to their room makes Kiara quiver, her pussy contracting around Rafe without realizing it. Rafe must find the possibility of people hearing them sexy too, because he picks up the pace of his thrusts, making the table creak with each motion. The sound of bare skin on skin is loud in the quiet room.

“Shhh, you’re being too loud!” Kiara says in a whisper. “Chill out a little bit, dude,” she continues, trying not to laugh.

“Can’t. This is too fucking hot. You’re gripping me so damn tight. It’s going to make me cum so quick,” Rafe moans, and Kiara feels a thrill run through her body. Rafe has never finished this quickly, and she loves seeing him so affected by her.

“You little freak,” she says, echoing his own words back to him. “Well go on, then. Show me how much you love this pussy.” Rafe moans again, even louder this time, and Kiara knows he’s close to the edge. She squeezes around him even tighter, and he grips the edge of the table with one hand to ground himself as he reaches his climax. He thrusts into Kiara sloppily as he works through it, his jaw clamped shut in an effort to keep from yelling out. Just as his hips are starting to slow down, Kiara and Rafe are startled by someone jostling the handle to the room aggressively, trying to open the door. The shock of the attempted intrusion causes Kiara to jerk forward, and she starts to slide off the table. Rafe is still tangled between her legs, so they both start slipping towards the ground. 

“BUSY! OCCUPIED! COME BACK LATER!” Rafe yells in a panic, trying to keep them both from tumbling to the ground in a tangled heap. Kiara is no assistance at all during this crisis, shaking with silent laughter as Rafe struggles to hoist her back onto the table.

“Come back later?? Why would you say that?” Kiara giggles as Rafe finally succeeds in stabilizing her on the table again. He looks irritated for a brief moment before breaking into an amused grin. 

“Okay, maybe not our best idea,” Rafe acknowledges breathlessly, slumping onto Kiara’s body with an exhausted huff. 

“Our?? Don’t blame me for this,” Kiara scolds him, but she’s still laughing. 

“Why is the table so slippery??” Rafe laughs into Kiara’s chest, and she feels warmth bloom under the spot where his head is pressed against her. Before she can stop herself, she brings a hand to the nape of his neck, playing with the hair there in an uncharacteristically soft gesture. Rafe looks up at her, his normally cool blue eyes sparkling warmly with laughter. He reaches up and presses a soft kiss onto Kiara’s lips, surprising her with the tender action. But the warmth of his body disappears before Kiara can think too much of the whole thing. She hears rustling as Rafe disposes of the condom, and she makes a mental note to take the trash with them when they leave. They can’t leave their mess for the poor janitors. 

“I could still eat you out, if you wanted?” Rafe returns and tugs at her underwear playfully with his teeth, pulling it to the side. 

“I thought you’d never ask,” Kiara teases, settling back onto her elbows and watching as Rafe’s tongue dips expertly between her thighs. This is a view that Kiara knows will never get old.

———————————————————————

It’s Friday evening, and Kiara has finally learned what the Phi Mu event is. And she’s trying desperately to get out of it.

“You promised you would come. No takesies backsies,” Sarah sings as she pulls Kiara into her room and shuts the door.

Kiara groans loudly. “I hate these kind of parties. It reminds me of home, and not in a good way.” She tries to pout at her friend, but Sarah ignores it and throws open her closet. 

“Don’t care. Come on, I’m picking out something for you to wear. We’re going clubbing, and we’re going to look hot.”

Sarah is dragging Kiara to a Phi Mu mixer at a club near campus, saying that she needs her friend there for moral support. Sarah is still considering joining the sorority next year, and she figures that at the very least, they’ll get free drinks out of it. Pope and Cleo were invited but are out on a date tonight; Kiara hopes he’ll finally pluck up the courage to ask her out officially so she can stop hearing about it from both of them.

“We should take pictures of you and send them to John B,” Kiara says as she pours them both another drink to throw back before heading to the club. “You look hot as fuck.” Sarah is glowing in a strapless yellow dress, the deep shade of yellow bringing out the warmth in her eyes and blonde hair. For Kiara, Sarah pulled a slinky, red silk dress out of her closet and forced her to try it on. The material hugs her curves in all the right places, and the mid-thigh slit on one side accentuates Kiara’s long legs. 

“Right. About that.” Sarah swirls her solo cup nervously, avoiding eye contact with Kiara. Kiara stares at her with wide eyes, suddenly alarmed.

“Are things not going well with John B? Is it the distance? Do I need to kick his ass for something?”

Sarah chuckles weakly. “No no, it’s not like that. Things have been good - we call and text all the time, and when we were home for break we….you know. For the first time.” Sarah’s cheeks turn scarlet as she alludes to having sex with John B. “I was scared that it would change things, but it didn’t. Not for a while at least. I haven’t told him I love him or anything yet, but I did tell him the other day that I like him a lot, and I could really see this relationship growing into something real, you know? I kind of word vomited. I think I kind of freaked him out.” Sarah continues to play with her cup, keeping her eyes down. 

“Well, do you love him?” Kiara asks as gently as possible. 

“I don’t know. Maybe. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. But he’s being all weird and distant now. Do you think he’s second guessing everything?” Sarah’s finally looks up at Kiara, her big brown eyes full of fear. 

Kiara takes her time answering, trying to seriously consider her friend’s question. From what she’s seen and heard, John B is crazy about Sarah, so she doesn’t think he’s second guessing his feelings for her. “No, I don’t think that’s it at all. You didn’t hear this from me, but John B has kinda had a crush on you forever. And he’s definitely head over heels for you now. If I had to guess…if you’re feeling this way about him, he probably feels the same way about you. Which means that he’s panicking about not feeling good enough for you.”

“What are you talking about? John B is great. He’s more than enough for me.” Sarah’s genuine confusion is endearing to Kiara, but it also shows how little her friend knows about the complexities of being a Pogue on Kildare island. 

“I know Sarah, but he’s had a very different life than you. Than me, even. Growing up on the Cut, working for people like your dad and being on the outside looking in, he always felt less than. I bet he never in a million years thought someone like you would be into him. He knows he doesn’t live a life like you’re used to.”

“But I don’t care about any of that, you know? I’ve never felt like I fit in with that crowd. And so many people from Figure 8 suck so bad, anyway. John B is one of the only people I feel like myself around. All of you, honestly. You feel like family.” Sarah’s doe eyes are shining with tears, and Kiara pulls her into a hug before they can spill over. 

“Please don’t cry, Sarah, your makeup looks too good!” Kiara laughs, gripping her by the shoulders. “I know you feel that way, and I’m sure deep down, John B knows you do, too. He just might need some reminding from time to time. Maybe just try talking to him about it?”

“Thanks Kie,” Sarah laughs wetly, dabbing at stray tears under her eyes. “I’ll make sure to talk to him when he’s- the next time I see him,” she hurriedly corrects herself. Kiara thinkings about questioning her but decides to let it go.

“Let’s get this show on the road before we get too drunk, shall we?” Kiara says, standing up and offering Sarah her arm.

“Thank you, m’lady,” Sarah replies, looping her arm through Kiara’s, “but I fear that ship may have sailed.”

The two girls take a short ride in an uber to the off-campus club, an 18+ joint that is notorious for turning a blind eye to underage drinking. There’s a pink carpet rolled out in front of the venue, with ‘PHI MU’ embossed in bold, glittery letters down the center. 

“Classy,” Kiara shouts to Sarah over the bass of the music as they walk to the entrance and wait to be let in to the dim club. Although it’s not her usual scene and she’s surrounded by people she definitely would have hated in high school, Kiara eventually lets herself relax with Sarah by her side. Sarah is the best person to be with in these situations; she’s always dancing no matter how terrible the song is, and she insists on dragging Kiara to meet her friends even when she’s not feeling very social. As they dance to hits from the 2010s under a gigantic disco ball, Kiara throws an arm around her Sarah and takes a moment to be grateful that college brought them back together. 

A couple hours into the night and several vodka crans deep, Kiara is heading to the bar again when she spots Rafe in the sea of people on the dance floor. He’s wearing a white collared shirt and a navy suit jacket that he’s wearing open, and Kiara feels her heart lurch into her throat. She’s about to go over and say hi, maybe tease him about wearing a suit jacket to the club, when she sees a petite brunette hanging on his arm, giggling into his shoulder. Kiara’s stomach sinks, dread replacing any excitement she had upon seeing Rafe. Of course he’s here with Sofia, the girl he’s okay with being around publicly. The girl he’s okay with people actually thinking he likes. Rafe spots Kiara across the room and gives her a slight nod, his face neutral and distant, before turning back to Sofia. Kiara thinks back to what Rafe said about her in the aquarium a few months ago and is pissed off at him all over again. 

Kiara is pulled out of her thoughts by a tap on her shoulder. She turns around and sees a handsome Latino boy looking down at her, his brown eyes tentative and warm as they regard her. “Hey, uh, Kiara right?” At the look of confusion on her face, the boy continues hurriedly. “We’re in the same math class, sorry. Didn’t mean to freak you out.”

Kiara squints at the boy, hoping it’ll help her to see better through her tipsy haze. He’s a few inches taller than her, lean but not skinny, and he has a mop of curly brown hair. He does look vaguely familiar. “Oh, right! Kendall, isn’t it?”

“Kenny, but Kendall is close enough,” he says graciously. “Can I get you a drink? I need a refill anyway.”

“I’ll get my own drink, but you can put your card down if you’d like.” Feeling uncharacteristically friendly, Kiara grabs Kenny’s hand and pulls him towards the bar. She pretends not to notice the way that Rafe’s eyes follow her across the room, how she can basically feel his stare on her like it’s a tangible thing. 

Kiara chats with this new boy for a while, sipping at the drink in her hand, and she’s surprised to learn that he’s actually fun and interesting to talk to. He’s charming but not creepy, he’s nice but not too nice, he’s funny without trying too hard, and he lets Kiara talk without interrupting. Sarah gives her a thumbs up from a few feet away as she mingles with her other friends, and before she knows it, Kiara is pulling Kendall? Kenny? onto the dance floor by his very adorable tie and insisting that he dance with her. As the tempo of the music slows down and Kenny (she remembered his name) pulls her closer, Kiara knows he’s going to try to kiss her. She tries to relax her body and just go with it. He’s cute, he’s nice, and he’s actually interested in her. This is the kind of guy Kiara should like. She lets this cute stranger lick into her mouth with a tongue that tastes like whiskey. He’s not an amazing kisser, but Kiara figures this is something they can work on. 

“You look gorgeous,” he breathes between kisses, and when Kiara closes her eyes again, it’s not brown eyes she’s picturing behind her closed lids, but eyes that are a piercing blue. She can almost feel Rafe’s ringed hands digging into her hipbones, can almost see the veins standing out on his hands with the effort it’s taking to hold himself back. As she feels hands on the small of her back, Kiara nearly moans out his name. When she pulls back and sees Kenny standing in front of her instead of Rafe, she’s genuinely disoriented for a second. 

Kiara is saved by the timely arrival of Sarah, looking flushed and tipsy. “Hey Kie, I’m going to chat with John B. I’ll be back in a bit.” Sarah winks at her clumsily. “Have fun, you crazy kids.”

Kiara’s head is spinning. She feels like she’s not getting enough air, and Kenny is trying to pull her close again. She takes a step back, trying to pull herself together. “Actually, do you want to get some air? It’s so hot in here, I feel like I’m suffocating.”

“Sure, of course. Whatever you want.” Kenny smiles at her easily and lets her lead them towards the back door of the club. Right as they’re passing the hallway that leads to the bathrooms, someone yells out from behind them, and the voice is calling Kiara’s name. 

“Yo, Kie, can I talk to you for a minute?” Kiara’s turns around and finds herself face to face with a flushed, panting Rafe. He must have pushed through the crowd to reach them, trying to stop them from leaving the club. Kiara takes in his partially unbuttoned shirt, his tan skin that’s glistening with sweat, and the almost manic gleam in his eyes. He’s never looked sexier.

Kenny glances over at Kiara, waiting for her to answer. When the seconds tick by and she’s still silent, he finally clears his throat and addresses Rafe. “Sorry, who are you?”

Rafe shoots him a dismissive look. “I’m not talking to you. Kie,” he takes a step forward, pinning her with his eyes, “can we talk?”Kiara feels like her tongue is glued to the roof of her mouth. She opens her mouth to speak, then quickly closes it again. 

Kenny stiffens, taking a small step forward. “Dude, it kinda seems like she doesn’t want to talk to you. Who even are you, anyway?”

Rafe sighs, never taking his eyes off Kiara. “I’m her best friend’s brother, alright? It’s important.”

Rafe’s words finally unfreeze Kiara, and she shakes her head slightly before looking over at Kenny apologetically. “Kenny, it’s alright. I should talk to him. But let’s meet up some other time, okay? I had a good time tonight.” Kiara smiles weakly, trying to ignore Rafe’s glare as she puts a hand on Kenny’s shoulder. 

“Yeah, for sure. I think I’m going to head out, but I can give you my number?” Kiara fishes her phone out of her pocket and hands it over to Kenny. She stands awkwardly as Rafe watches Kenny type his number into Kiara’s phone. When he’s done, Kenny hands the phone back to Kiara and plants a soft kiss on her cheek. “Text me, yeah?” He gives her a small but genuine smile before heading towards the back door, shooting one more skeptical glance in Rafe’s direction as he leaves. 

Kiara can tell Rafe is seething, but she pretends not to notice as she folds her arms over her chest. “So? What’s so important?”

She’s taken aback when Rafe stalks towards her, grabbing her by the forearm and leading her down the hallway to the bathrooms. “Ow, Rafe! What the hell? Where are we going?” Rafe doesn’t respond as he shoves the door to the women’s restroom open and leads her inside. The bathroom is empty at the moment, and the only sounds they can hear are the bass from the music outside the closed door and the drip of water from the faucets. 

“What the fuck was all that, Kiara?” Rafe says finally, wheeling towards her as he releases her arm. 

Kiara raises her eyebrows, pretending not to know what he’s talking about. “What was all what? Me having a good time? Not everything is about you, Rafe.”

“I find that a little hard to believe in this situation.” Rafe runs a hand through his damp hair, and Kiara hates the way her eyes are drawn to the movement. She hates the way she can’t help but appreciate the way the fabric of his jacket strains against his bicep.

“Careful, Rafe. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were jealous.” Kiara takes a step towards him, and she knows she’s playing with fire. Rafe looks hungry and desperate, and she’s only making it worse. 

“That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?” Rafe asks scornfully. Kiara thinks but doesn’t say that that’s not entirely accurate; she didn’t want to make Rafe jealous, but she did want a distraction from him. From wanting his hands on her. From thinking about someone who only wants her when no one else is looking. 

Kiara simply scoffs, declining to answer his question directly. “Go back to your date, Rafe.” She starts to turn towards the bathroom door, but Rafe grabs her by the hand. She shivers slightly at the feeling of his warm skin against hers. 

“How could I do that,” Rafe says, his voice low and rough, “when you’re standing in front of me, looking like this?” His eyes take her in from head to toe hungrily, lingering on the slit that reveals her thigh and the deep plunge of the red fabric at her chest. Kiara feels her knees weaken slightly, but she refuses to give in so easily. Rafe is such a Kook, too used to getting everything he wants. 

“Seemed pretty easy when you were ignoring me earlier,” Kiara snaps, trying to wrestle her hand away.

“If you’re in the room, I’m never thinking about anything else,” Rafe says plainly, the rings on his fingers digging into Kiara’s hand as he grips her tighter. Kiara’s heart pounds frantically at his words, even as she tries to rationalize them away. He says that to everyone, it’s just a line, she tells herself, but Rafe isn’t looking at her like it’s a line. He’s looking at her like it’s a confession.

“Fuck,” Kiara mutters under her breath, and then Rafe’s body is colliding with her own, pressing her against the door of a stall and pushing them inside. Even in the largest stall there’s not much room to maneuver, and Kiara settles for pushing her hands up under Rafe’s shirt instead of ripping it off like she wants to. Rafe’s large hands roam over Kiara’s body, just like Kiara had imagined earlier. He cups her chest before pulling her in for another bruising kiss, and Kiara loses herself in the storm of Rafe’s intense, all-consuming passion. This is exactly what she’s always craving and can’t get anywhere else.

“I can taste him on you,” Rafe growls, pulling away from her lips angrily. Kiara feels a petty thrill at the jealousy scorching in his eyes. 

“And I can taste her on you,” Kiara fires back, “but you don’t hear me bitching about it.” Rafe’s nostrils flare, but he can't argue with her. “If it’s such a problem, stop kissing me and start fucking me instead.”

“Fucking brat,” Rafe mutters, pulling up the smooth fabric of her dress, his fingers greedily exploring her ass before making their way to her underwear. “Walking in here looking like this, knowing it would drive me crazy.”

“Not hard to do,” Kiara quips as Rafe pulls a condom from his pocket, ripping it open in a hurry. “Do you always have one of those on you? Or do they pop up on demand?”

“Shut up, Kie,” Rafe grunts as he pushes inside of her, holding her up against the wall of the stall so he can fuck into her with ease. Kiara gasps, her head falling onto Rafe’s shoulder. She sinks her teeth into his shoulder to keep herself from crying out. There’s no need to ease in this time; Kiara is already so wet that the slide of Rafe inside of her is quick and smooth. She wraps her legs around Rafe’s narrow waist instinctively to keep herself from slipping down the wall, and Rafe moans like he’s in pain.

“It’s taking everything in me not to rip this dress off you right now,” he grits out, leaning forward and biting down on Kiara’s bottom lip before thrusting into her even more rapidly. 

“I can’t believe you came to a club wearing a suit,” Kiara says breathlessly between moans. She can’t help but tease him, even now.

“That other guy you were going to fuck, he was wearing a tie,” Rafe spits out, intense fire burning in his clear blue eyes. Kiara doesn’t bother correcting him as he brushes the tight curls from her shoulder, running his tongue along her collarbone before moving up to suck on her neck. Kiara shudders and moves her hips faster without realizing it. Her neck is her most sensitive area, and Rafe is taking advantage of that fact.

“Don’t,” Kiara tries to speak through her haze of pleasure, “leave a mark, Rafe. We have to go back out there.” She runs her hands through his dark blonde hair, pushing his short bangs out of his face. 

“Who cares? Want them to know,” Rafe pants when he finally releases her neck. “Mine,” Kiara thinks she hears him say as he bites down on her bare shoulder. Before she can even process this, Rafe is grinding inside of her, the motion making her see stars as he rides out his orgasm. When Rafe finally stops moving, he pulls out gently and sets Kiara down on the grimy bathroom floor. He scans her appreciatively with his intense eyes, and somehow Kiara blushes the most in this moment, even after everything. “It’s a little red, but the mark will fade,” Rafe says, touching her shoulder gingerly with his fingertips. “My bad,” he adds, but based on the lopsided grin he gives her, he’s not sorry at all.

“Oh god,” Kiara says, looking around in horror. “We have got to get out of here. This is so disgusting,” she groans, pulling Rafe out of the stall by the collar of his suit jacket. “And look at us! We’re sweaty messes,” Kiara says with a laugh as she looks in the smudged mirror. She pulls paper towels from the dispenser and starts dabbing at Rafe’s sweaty forehead. He rolls his eyes but lets her fuss over him. When she’s done, he grabs a handful of paper towels and does the same for her. As he wipes gently at her face, trying not to mess up her makeup, Kiara admires Rafe. He has a bit of light stubble above his pink top lip, which he bites as he focuses on Kiara’s face. He has a few stray freckles under his left eye, near his cheekbone. He has a small hoop in one pierced ear, but nothing in the other. His eyelashes are so long that they nearly brush his cheek whenever he blinks. 

“What?” Rafe has noticed her staring, and his lips quirk up into a shy smile.

“Nothing. Just thinking about how horny you are,” Kiara jokes, adjusting her dress and smoothing the silky material. “All good? Nothing out of place?” She does one quick spin so he can check for anything that she needs to fix before heading back out into the crowd. 

“Everything’s perfect,” Rafe says, making direct eye contact as he says the words. Kiara flushes, warmth spreading through her chest at the unexpected compliment. She clears her throat to avoid having to answer and nods towards the door.

“We should get out of here before someone comes in,” she says, pushing open the door and gesturing for Rafe to follow her.

“Kie, I gotta piss,” Rafe calls out, making Kiara wrinkle her nose. He’s such a boy. “Probably best if we stagger our exits anyway. See you later?” He smiles gently before ducking into the men’s restroom, leaving Kiara to deal with the weird, tingly feeling that’s been spreading through her body ever since first seeing Rafe tonight. 

Kiara crosses the floor of the club and approaches the bar, desperate for a cup of water. As she tries to flag down the bartender, she realizes Sofia and a group of her friends are just a few feet down the bar. Kiara rolls her eyes and starts to move away, but she freezes when she hears Sofia call out to someone. Kiara turns slightly to look over her shoulder, and she sees Rafe approaching from the direction of the bathrooms. His hair is mostly dry now, and his shirt is neatly tucked into his pants again. Kiara feels her heart rise into her throat as he nears Sofia.

“There you are!” Sofia throws an arm around Rafe’s waist, pulling him towards her. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Then Sofia looks at her friends, gesturing in Rafe’s direction. “Guys, I want you to meet Rafe Cameron. My boyfriend.”

Chapter Text

Everything suddenly feels very far away to Kiara, like she’s watching the scene in front of her unfold from the end of a long, narrow tunnel. She feels separated from her own body as she watches Sofia pull Rafe down into a kiss. My boyfriend. Sofia’s voice echoes loudly in Kiara’s head, and she knocks over a drink next to her on the bar. Kiara barely notices as liquid from the overturned glass drips down her elbow. My boyfriend. Rafe’s blue eyes find her over Sofia’s shoulder, drawn to the sound of broken glass, and Kiara watches as they widen in horror. He must know that she overheard everything. My boyfriend. Rafe’s sweat is still drying on Kiara’s skin, and someone else is calling him her boyfriend. Kiara is going to be sick. She turns away from the bar, her vision blurry around the edges, and she pushes through the crowd without caring who she runs into.

She bursts out of the club’s front door, the chilly February air helping to ground her slightly. Kiara searches frantically around the entrance for Sarah. She starts to walk away from the club, pulling out her phone to text her friend. Right after Kiara presses send, the club door opens behind her. She knows without looking that it’s Rafe, so Kiara quickens the pace of her steps. She doesn’t know where she’s going, but she lets her feet carry her away from Rafe. Away from him and the pain she refuses to let herself feel.

“Kie, Kie, hold on a minute,” Rafe calls out, his voice much closer than she wants it to be. Kiara doesn’t look back, can’t look back. “Sofia’s not my girlfriend. I don’t know what she’s talking about.”

Despite not wanting to face Rafe, Kiara finds herself wheeling on him in outrage. “Oh right, the crazy girl cliché. Well, you’ll have to excuse me if I’m a little skeptical. I’ve heard conflicting information, and I’m inclined to believe women.” Rafe looks down at the ground, unable to meet her scathing gaze. “In any case, maybe she should be your girlfriend. Haven’t you led that poor girl on for long enough? Does she even know you’re fucking other people?” Kiara sees hurt flit briefly across Rafe’s face, and this somehow enrages her more than anything. He doesn’t get to look hurt, when he’s the one doing the hurting.

“Kiara, can you just-“ Rafe tries to take a step towards her, but Kiara backs away with a shake of her head. 

“It doesn’t matter, Rafe. We’re cool. This was just casual anyway, right? Just sex.” Kiara swallows down the lump in her throat and forces herself to continue. “You’ve always been free to do whatever you want. I’m just not sure I feel good about sneaking around behind Sofia’s back if she thinks you’re official or exclusive or whatever.”

“We’re not-“ Rafe starts to argue, but Kiara cuts him off again. She doesn’t want to hear whatever he has to say. 

“That’s great for you. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I’ll see you in bio, alright?” Kiara starts to jog towards nothing, willing herself not to look back. Where the hell is Sarah?

“You’re not even going to let me talk?!” Rafe calls after her, his voice farther away now.

“I think I’ve heard enough, Rafe! Don’t forget to do the quiz before Monday!” Kiara wonders if it’s obvious that she’s about to cry. How did you expect this to go, anyway? Kiara scolds herself, taking a deep breath to keep the tears at bay. She’s just embarrassed and angry she let someone so degenerate distract her from the things that are really important, that’s all. There’s no other reason for her to be upset. Kiara repeats this like a mantra to herself, and she’s so focused on the words that she doesn’t notice Sarah until they nearly run into each other. 

“Kie!” Sarah looks surprised to see her. “What are you doing out here? I was just coming back in to find you.” 

“Sarah,” Kiara breathes out in relief, pulling her friend into a hug. Sarah’s body tenses for a moment, surprised by the uncharacteristic display of affection, before hugging her back fiercely. “Can we go home?” Kiara asks when she finally pulls away, despising the way her voice sounds small and unsure. Sarah searches her face for a second uncertainly before nodding, deciding not to question the odd behavior. 

“Of course,” Sarah says, pushing a stray hair out of Kiara’s face. “I’ll call the uber now.” They ride home in silence, one of Sarah’s hands loosely holding Kiara’s, like she’s afraid she might slip away into the frosty night sky. Kiara muses absentmindedly that Sarah has good intuition; Kiara already feels far away from her body, like she’s tethered to the earth only by the light pressure of her friend’s hand on her own. “You know, I just thought about how soon your birthday is,” Sarah says as they exit the car. “We’re going to have such a good time celebrating.” They stand awkwardly in front of her building for a moment until Kiara focuses enough to realize that Sarah is waiting for a response.

“Of course,” she says finally, summoning the best fake smile she can manage. “It’ll be great. And I had a fun time tonight. I’m just feeling really tired,” she adds, hoping it’s enough to explain her weird behavior. Sarah hesitates for a moment before squeezing Kiara’s arm, accepting her explanation.

“See you soon, okay? Get some sleep,” Sarah says with a smile before turning around and heading towards her own dorm. 

“You still look hot!” Kiara yells after her, trying to lighten the mood.

“So do you! Love my dress on you!” Sarah calls back with a laugh.

As Kiara settles in for the night, trying desperately to keep her mind empty, she feels her phone buzz once. Twice. Three times. 

Kie, please let me explain. 

I don’t want to leave things like this. 

Can I come over? Just to talk? Please 

Kiara throws her phone across the room, where it lands with a bounce on her twin bed. She ignores these messages and all the ones that follow, and eventually they stop coming altogether.

———————————————————————

Time moves in slow motion, and then all at once. Kiara devotes herself to her studies and the conservation club with renewed ferocity, barely giving herself time to think about anything else. Her friends are caught off guard by her new intensity and introversion, but they know better than to push Kiara to talk when she doesn’t want to. They still grab dinner, study together, and hang out, but Kiara is often quiet and oddly pensive, withdrawn into herself after that first week in February. 

A little less than two weeks later is February 18th, Kiara’s 19th birthday. It falls on a Monday this year, so Sarah, Pope, Cleo, and Kiara celebrate with a small dinner. They’re relieved to see that Kiara seems a bit more like herself, and they assume she’s just been stressed or homesick lately. They assure her that there’s a big birthday surprise awaiting her this coming weekend as well. When Kiara walks into her dorm’s common space that Friday night and finds John B, JJ, and Pope still stringing up a few last minute streamers, the whole space splashed with multi-colored balloons and confetti, Kiara finds herself tearing up. She feels such deep relief just seeing her friend’s faces in the same room that it takes a full five minutes for her to stop squeezing each of them so tightly that they lose their breath. 

“What’s going on with you?” JJ asks with a laugh, trying to pry Kiara’s arm from around his waist. “You’re never this happy to see us,” he teases, but his blue eyes betray a bit of real concern. 

“Shut up. Just nice to have the family back together,” Kiara says softly, sucking in a deep breath. She doesn’t tell them that her parents only called for 5 minutes on her birthday before hanging up, claiming that they were out for dinner and would call her back later. Kiara didn’t get her hopes up because she knew they wouldn’t. She doesn’t tell them about Rafe, wouldn’t even know where to start, and she’s still far too embarrassed to admit that she let herself get close to a Kook. The people standing in this room, the people that drove hours out of their way to see her, that took special care to keep this surprise from her, these are the only people in her life she’s ever been able to count on. So Kiara tries to get out of her own head and really be present with her people, to stop feeling sorry for herself for long enough to appreciate these people who love her, so she can stop dwelling on the ones who don’t. 

Kiara does this successfully for a while, catching up with John B and JJ, finally getting an update on John B and Sarah (who are attached at the hip and seem to have worked everything out just fine), and throwing shots back with Cleo while trying to get Pope to join. A few friends of Sarah’s and some people from the conservation club join as well, and Kiara finds it easier to lose herself in the party as bodies fill the room. That is, until one all-too-familiar body joins the party as they’re dancing to a Doechii song a while later; Kiara spots the familiar silhouette as soon as he enters the room, the broad shoulders and slim waist she’d know anywhere. Her head whips in Rafe’s direction before she can stop the movement. He’s holding a small cake and a bottle of Pink Whitney, and he looks uncharacteristically nervous and uncertain as he glances around the room. Kiara feels a brief flash of sympathy before turning to look at Sarah in confusion.

“I forgot the cake, so I asked Rafe to bring it and said he could stick around if he wanted. I hope you don’t mind!” Sarah shouts over the music, starting to make her way towards Rafe. 

“Fantastic,” Kiara mutters under her breath, reluctantly following Sarah. Before she can think better of it, she whips out her phone and clicks on her messages with Kenny, who she’s chatted with a bit over the last few weeks. 

having a little thing for my birthday, would love for you to join if you’re free :) we’re in Kaufman hall 

Two people she’s had sex with are in the room, but she still smiles when her phone buzzes with a response. 

Hell yeah! I’ll roll through shortly 

A little mess never hurt anybody. At least not yet. 

———————————————————————

Kiara hasn’t looked at Rafe in weeks, and it’s driving him insane. She’s speaking to him, sort of, talking about biology concepts or assignments while in class, but she’s ‘rescheduled’ two of their tutoring sessions in a row. She acknowledges him when he walks into a room with a terse nod or hello, but she’s distant and cold, like she’s only a shell of the person he’s gotten to know over the past several months. She hasn’t made direct eye contact since that night at the club. Rafe feels like he’s been revoked access to who Kiara is as a person, and it’s so much worse than if she was ignoring him altogether. 

Rafe knows it was stupid to show up to Kiara’s birthday celebration tonight, but he couldn’t help himself. He wanted to see if she would react at all to his arrival, if he would see any glimpse of the vulnerability he once took for granted. He thought that if he could just get Kiara to look at him, then he would get some clarity about what to do next. 

So that’s how he ended up here, standing in a freshman dorm where he knows he’s not wanted, holding a cake and a bottle of liquor, looking like a dick. He catches JJ’s eye first (unfortunate), then Sarah’s, then Kiara’s, all in quick succession. His eyes linger on Kiara even after she looks away, drinking in the sight of her in a white miniskirt and a brown top that plunges into a deep v. He continues to stare until Sarah obstructs his line of vision.

“My big brother, my hero,” Sarah teases, her tone lighter than usual. They’ve seen each other more lately, and Sarah seems to be gradually relaxing in his presence. “Pink Whitney?” She raises her eyebrows in amusement.

“Seems like something young people would drink,” he says with a shrug, trying weakly to smile back. Sarah takes the cake out of his hand as Kiara approaches reluctantly, with JJ lingering a few feet behind her like some kind of guard dog. Rafe is barely able to suppress an eye roll at the sight. 

“I’ve been known to indulge on occasion,” Kiara says, avoiding eye contact. She gestures at the bottle, her eyes fixed somewhere over Rafe’s left shoulder. “Thanks for bringing this. And the cake.”

“Any time. Happy birthday, Kie,” he says softly, trying unsuccessfully to make eye contact.

“Her birthday was actually Monday,” JJ pipes up before Kiara can say anything. 

“I know,” Rafe mumbles under his breath, and he swears that Kiara almost smiles. 

“Stick around, if you want. We have Pink Whitney,” Kiara says, the corners of her mouth rising ever so slightly. She grabs the bottle and turns away, but her words are enough to keep Rafe in the room, at least for a little while longer. 

But as Rafe watches Kiara flirt with not one, but two guys now, he thinks he probably should have cut his losses and left when she took the liquor an hour ago. Kiara is chatting with that guy from the club, the one that she nearly left with, while JJ circles nearby and pretends not to be bothered. Club guy arrived about 30 minutes ago, and his hands haven’t stopped reaching for Kiara’s waist, her back, any skin he can touch, since he entered the room. Rafe is trying unsuccessfully not to watch, holding his solo cup so tightly in his hand that it’s a miracle he hasn’t crushed it yet. He finds it hard to believe that this little stunt isn’t intentional, even though Kiara hasn’t spared so much as a glance in his direction. Kiara’s been pissed at him, and now she’s making him pay. Rafe knows that he deserves it, and that’s probably the reason he didn’t leave as soon as this random man made an appearance; some masochistic part of him needs to watch, like it’s some sort of punishment or atonement for how he’s treated Kiara. 

But now even Rafe’s most self-loathing instincts are screaming at him to leave this party. It’s slowly starting to sink in that Kiara really might be done with him, that he’ll never feel the weight of her undivided attention again, will never be the reason for the fond sparkle in her eyes. He can’t stick around any longer and watch as she slips further and further away. As he takes a deep breath and waves goodbye to Kiara across the room, he tries to force himself to turn around and walk away. To let Kiara be free of him, if that’s what she wants. But right before Rafe turns to leave, he watches as Kiara’s neutral expression falters ever so slightly. Her eyebrows draw together and her eyes flash with sadness for one brief moment, before she wipes the emotion from her face and turns back to her friends. But Rafe knows what he saw. A brief glimpse of vulnerability, of uncertainty. And it’s the reason he’s waiting outside of her dorm room now.

Rafe’s not sure how long it’ll be before Kiara returns to her room, is not even 100% sure she’ll come back tonight, so he makes himself comfortable on the ground, his elbows resting on his folded knees. As he waits, he can’t stop picturing the brief sadness on Kiara’s face, the uncertainty in her expression as he turned to leave. It reminded him of the way she looked after they had sex that second time on Kildare, when she told him she didn’t know if they should do it again. He remembers the panic he felt in that moment, his desperation to keep her close no matter what it cost him. He couldn’t stand the thought of losing her, but he also couldn’t stand the thought of being honest with her, not yet. So he had lied through his teeth, telling Kiara that it didn’t have to be anything more than sex when he knew damn well it already was.

Rafe must doze off at some point, because he’s startled awake by a kick to the shin. He rubs his eyes and looks up to see Kiara towering over him, looking beautiful and terrifying as she glares down at him on the ground. Well, at least she’s finally looking at him.

“Get up, Rafe. I don’t why you’re here, but I’m not staying. I told Kenny I’d be back soon,” Kiara says, folding her arms over her chest. 

Rafe feels a flash of indignation as he stands up and stretches his limbs. “Ah, the infamous Kenny. Is he asking to make it official, yet? Eloping after 2 long weeks, are we?” 

Kiara rolls her eyes at his snappy response. “You and I are not exclusive, Rafe. We never have been. I think you’ve made that abundantly clear.” Rafe flushes, but forces himself to maintain eye contact as anger rises inside him.

“Can you cut the bullshit, Kiara? I get it, you’re pissed and you’re trying to hurt me. You think I don’t know that’s why you invited that guy tonight? Very nice of you to do that with JJ there as well, by the way.” 

“Don’t be such a fucking hypocrite, Rafe,” Kiara snaps, her voice full of venom. “You literally have a girlfriend, in case you forgot. What I do is none of your business.” 

Rafe takes a deep breath, trying to control his storm of emotions. He knows he needs to apologize, that he’s in the wrong here. “I’m sorry, Kiara. This whole misunderstanding is my fault.” Kiara raises her eyebrows skeptically. “I know you don’t owe me anything, but I wish we had talked after that night. Sofia isn’t my girlfriend, which is something her and I have discussed several times. I don’t want to date her, and we barely even see each other anymore. I’ve been trying to find a way to gently break it off, but she’s not making it very easy on me. We have a lot of the same friends.”

Kiara scoffs - not exactly the reaction Rafe had hoped for. “Well she’s obviously obsessed with you, and you wouldn’t hide her from all your friends. Seems like a good match, regardless.”

“It was your idea not to tell anyone about us, Kiara, or did you conveniently forget that?” Rafe folds his arms over his chest as he tries to defend himself. 

“Maybe because I knew better!” Kiara’s starting to raise her voice, and her cheeks are slightly flushed now. “Maybe because I knew if I told anyone, you would find a way to embarrass me and I would never live it down!” Kiara doesn’t know how deep her words cut to Rafe’s core, and he stands in stunned silence for a moment, starting at her. When Kiara speaks again, her voice is quieter. She just sounds tired now, like every syllable is being dragged out of her. “Why don’t you just date her, Rafe? Why won’t you leave me alone?”

“Because I don’t want her! I want you!” The words explode out of Rafe before he can stop them, but he’s instantly relieved. He’s so, so tired of holding them in. “You know what you do to me, Kiara. And you knew what it would do to me, seeing you with him tonight. I don’t want to share you,” Rafe admits, his blue eyes burning with desperation and jealousy. 

Kiara is taken aback by the intensity of his stare, but she’s also outraged. “You can’t share me. I’m not a thing that you can own, Rafe.”

“I know that, Kiara. I don’t think that. That’s not what I meant.”

“Well, you act like I am!” Kiara is yelling again, and she vaguely wonders if she’s waking any of her neighbors. “Maybe I’m tired of being disposable to you. Of being someone you bring out to play with whenever you feel like it and then discard when you get bored.”

“What are you even talking about??” Rafe yells back. “Disposable, Kiara?” He looks at her incredulously, like she’s grown a second head. “You think it’s a coincidence that we’ve broken so many of your little rules? Have you stopped to think that maybe there’s a reason why I’m always pushing to see you? Why I’m so desperate for your attention?”

“Because you’re obsessed with sex?” Kiara retorts, refusing to cut him any slack.

“Because I’m obsessed with YOU, Kiara! I have been, for as long as I can remember. When we were young and you would come over and I would tease you, it’s because I didn’t know how else to handle the fact that I liked you, Kie!” Rafe is panting now, like being vulnerable is taking a physical effort. 

Kiara takes a small step back, her eyes narrowing in distrust. “Bullshit.”

Rafe ignores her. “Have you ever wondered why it bothered me so much that you hated me once we met again here?”

“Because you’re a narcissist?”

“Cut it out, Kiara! Try and actually listen to me for one minute!” Kiara is shocked into silence for once, and she watches as Rafe runs a hand through his uneven hair, the cut resembling a very short mullet.

“Do you remember how I acted weird after the first time we had sex? Do you?” Kiara nods, watching Rafe with wary eyes. He takes a deep, shaky breath before continuing. 

“All I wanted was to hold you after that first time, to kiss you and talk to you and to fall asleep wrapped up in each other. It scared the shit out of me.” Rafe’s blue eyes are more vulnerable than Kiara has ever seen them, and his whole face has been stripped of all its usual defenses. He’s laying all his emotions bare at her feet, and Kiara can’t handle the way he’s looking at her. 

“Please stop,” she whispers, wanting to turn away but feeling helplessly frozen in place. 

“I can’t, Kie. I’ve never felt that way after sex with anyone, not ever. I was freaking out. I didn’t know how to handle the feelings that came up for me. After the next time, that night you came knocking on my door, I would have dropped everything to be with you. Anything. It was your idea to see other people. So I did, because I didn’t want to get too attached when you didn’t want me. That’s why I kept hanging out Sofia, even though I didn’t really want to. I needed a distraction. But it didn’t work, alright? Of course it didn’t work.” Rafe’s hands are trembling slightly, but his gaze is resolute. He shakes his head in disbelief as he continues speaking. “The fact that you think you’re disposable….C’mon, Kie. You’re everything to me. You own me.” Kiara’s throat constricts as Rafe utters these last words, his voice deep and raw. She couldn’t respond even if she wanted to. “As soon as I saw you again, even after all these years, I already knew. Anything I have, everything I am…it’s yours.” He’s barely even whispering when he finishes talking. Rafe’s hands itch to reach for Kiara, but he drops them to his sides instead, not sure if he’s allowed to touch her. His piercing eyes search her face, looking for any indication that she feels the same way.

“Why should I believe you? Why should I believe any of this?” Kiara asks when she’s found her voice again, although it still comes out shaky. She feels short of breath, like Rafe’s words have sucked all the air out of the room.

“Because you know me. You see me. Just like I see you.” All at once Kiara knows he’s telling the truth, because he’s right. She does see him. She knows his fears, his hesitations, his desires. And she knows that despite her best attempts, she hasn’t been able to stop him from seeing her too. “I’ll leave, if that’s what you want,” Rafe continues quietly. “I understand if you don’t want this. I know I’ve been shitty. But don’t fight against what you want, Kiara. Whatever it is.” When she’s silent for several more seconds, Rafe sucks in a shuddering breath and nods in defeat. “I’ll go,” he says softly, dropping his eyes and moving to step around Kiara’s frozen form.

Kiara’s hand shoots out and wraps around Rafe’s warm forearm before he can pass her. “Rafe, I-“ Kiara swallows, searching for any words that can match the vulnerability of Rafe’s confession, even though it doesn’t come naturally to her. “It’s more than just sex for me, too. It always has been.” Kiara finally glances up at Rafe, who looks like he’s stopped breathing. “But you knew that, didn’t you?”

That damn lopsided smile. Kiara’s helpless to resist it, helpless to resist him. “I hoped. You’re kinda hard to read, Kie.” Kiara tugs Rafe closer, until their bodies are only inches apart. She stares at his collarbones so she doesn’t have to deal with the intensity of his eyes.

“I don’t connect with anyone like I connect with you,” Kiara whispers into the space between them, feeling terrified of the words as they come out. “I can’t watch you with her anymore, Rafe. I can’t do it.” It’s the best she can do at the moment, still feeling overwhelmed by Rafe’s words and the force of the emotions they elicited from her. His hands are gentle on Kiara’s face as he lifts her chin, forcing her to look into his burning eyes. 

“You won’t have to. I’m yours. If you want me.” Despite his usual confidence, Rafe sounds nervous and unsure, like he actually thinks there’s a chance Kiara would reject him now. She’d laugh if it wasn’t so damn endearing. 

“Don’t be stupid,” Kiara breathes out, leaning into Rafe’s touch before she can say something else, something too vulnerable. And then there’s no space between them at all, and Rafe is crowding her against the door to her room, his hands reaching under her skirt and hiking one leg around him. Their kisses are all tongue and teeth, the weeks apart manifesting as an animal desire to consume each other. Kiara sucks on Rafe’s tongue and feels her whole body quiver as he lets out a throaty moan.

“Inside,” Kiara begs, pulling at his shirt and trying to reach for the door handle. “I can’t wait any longer, Rafe.”

“Be patient, baby,” he purrs, his voice dripping down Kiara’s spine like honey. She shivers at the pet name and the feeling of his rough skin against hers, and Rafe’s eyes flash with hunger when he sees the goosebumps appear all over her body. He lifts her off the ground completely and pins her against the door, supporting her with one arm while reaching for the door handle with the other. Kiara gasps, her legs so tight around his waist that they’re already shaking.

They’re so wrapped up in each other that neither of them notice JJ at the end of the hall, watching them disappear behind Kiara’s door. 

———————————————————————

Rafe presses Kiara into her bed, and she savors the delicious warmth of his body on top of hers. “Do you want to fuck me from behind?” She hears herself ask breathlessly, wasting no time after weeks without feeling him close.

Rafe smiles at her eagerness but shakes his head. “Not today. I want to look at your pretty face while I’m inside you.” Kiara blushes fiercely as Rafe starts to tug off her shirt and skirt, then moves swiftly to take off her underwear. “But first, I want you to sit on my face.” Rafe slaps Kiara’s ass and moves to lay down on the bed, motioning for her to straddle his face. Kiara’s whole body feels aflame now.

“Rafe…” She says hesitantly, reluctant to be so exposed in front of him. Rafe kicks off his jeans and yanks his t-shirt over his head, leaving him sitting in just his underwear. He leans forward and grabs Kiara gently by the hips, drawing her up his body towards his head.

“It’s alright, baby. I want to see all of you.” Kiara, feeling emboldened by Rafe’s lust-filled stare and the thrill of the word ‘baby’ coming out of his mouth, tries to turn her brain off as she swings one leg over his face, positioning herself above him on her knees. Rafe grips the soft skin of her hips, his fingers so long that they nearly wrap around and touch behind her back. As he starts to lick at her clit with purpose, his face practically buried in her pussy, Kiara wishes more than ever she had a headboard she could grab onto. She braces herself against the wall behind her bed instead, her palms splayed flat against the white surface, and bites at her lip to keep from crying out.

“Why so quiet? Am I not doing a good enough job?” Rafe murmurs from between her legs, the vibrations making Kiara’s eyes roll back in her head. 

“Guess not,” Kiara teases, but a few seconds later she’s gasping and clawing at the wall. Rafe has pushed her forward slightly, allowing space for two ringed fingers to dip in and out of her pussy uninhibited. He moves his tongue on her clit in the soft, circular motions that he knows are her weakness, and Kiara feels her knees start to shake. She’s grinding on his face now, hoping he can breathe but not exactly stopping to check, and she feels herself approach the precipice of her release much, much quicker than she hoped.

“Rafe, stop,” she begs, one hand coming to grab at his hair. “I don’t want to finish yet.”

“Too bad,” Rafe says between pants, pulling his mouth away from her slightly as his fingers continue to fuck into her. “Want to hear you scream.” He works three fingers inside of her now, the delicious stretch erasing any arguments from Kiara’s brain. He licks at her clit with long, light strokes, and it feels so good that Kiara thinks she might start sobbing. 

“Rafe, fuck! Feels so fucking good. Please don’t stop, please don’t stop,” Kiara babbles as Rafe slurps at her without so much as a pause to breathe. It’s the wet sound of his tongue inside of her that finally sends Kiara over the edge. Her long, broken, high-pitched moan fills the air around them, and Rafe holds her in place on top of his face until he’s sure that she’s come down from her release. He grabs at Kiara’s ass appreciatively as she rolls off of him, flopping onto the bed with a shudder.

“You have such a fucking sweet pussy,” Rafe purrs, wiping at his mouth with two fingers before licking them clean. “Wouldn’t want to waste any of you.”

Kiara moans loudly and reaches for Rafe’s underwear, barely suppressing the urge to rip them off. “Please shut up and fuck me,” she pants. The sight of his cock springing free of his underwear, flushed red and already hard, nearly makes Kiara salivate. She bends down and licks at the tip, and Rafe groans as he leans over the bed, searching for a condom somewhere in his pockets.

Kiara reaches for Rafe’s wrist and pulls him back onto the bed. “Don’t. I want to feel all of you,” she whispers, maintaining direct eye contact even as her heart threatens to beat out of her chest.

“Shit, Kie,” Rafe sucks a deep breath in, but it feels like he’s inhaling fire. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” he says uncertainly, but his dick twitches painfully at the thought of fucking Kiara without a condom.

Kiara leans in, her eyes narrowed in a sultry stare, and she licks at Rafe’s bottom lip. His hands tighten around her chest, and he pinches at one of her nipples instinctively. “I got tested a few weeks ago, and I haven’t slept with anyone else since I’ve been with you,” Kiara admits, pressing a kiss to Rafe’s slick bottom lip. 

“Same. And I haven’t either. Been with anyone else.” Rafe stutters, feeling unusually flustered as Kiara stares at him with her big brown eyes.

“Not even Sofia?” Kiara asks before she can stop herself, and she winces. But Rafe just pulls her closer, tipping her chin up with two of his fingers. 

“Not since you and I….no. I couldn’t do it.” Kiara stares up into Rafe’s sky blue eyes for one loaded second before pulling him into a bruising kiss. Right before she pulls away, she delicately runs her tongue along his bottom teeth, making him moan.  

“Fuck me then. Let me feel you,” Kiara whispers, and before she can even think about moving on her own, Rafe is spinning her around and pinning her to the bed between his legs. He looks at her body greedily, his eyes scanning every inch of exposed skin as he lines up his dick and pushes inside. The gasp that’s ripped out of Kiara is guttural and animal, a sound she’s never heard herself make. But the smooth, wet slide of Rafe’s dick inside of her is so delicious that she forgets any pretense of being quiet, truly losing herself in the pleasure for once. “Shit, oh my fucking god,” Kiara groans, digging her nails into Rafe’s sides as he pushes her outstretched legs up towards her chin, allowing him to enter her from a new, deeper angle. “This is what I’ve been missing??”

“You’re so wet and so tight,” Rafe moans, pausing after burying himself to the hilt inside of her to collect himself. “I’m in deep fucking trouble.”

“Never,” Kiara pants, “done this before.” She keens as his dick hits a sweet spot inside of her, and the pleasure loosens her tongue.“Feels so good…daddy,” she adds after a brief pause, watching Rafe’s face closely to see how he reacts to the words.

“Fuck, Kiara. Fuck.” Rafe’s hips stutter for a moment as he’s caught off guard, and he looks at Kiara with uninhibited lust shining in his eyes. Kiara smiles at him conspiratorially, and he starts thrusting again with renewed intensity, a sheen of sweat starting to appear on his toned body.

“You like that? Daddy? I knew you would,” Kiara teases, throwing her head back as Rafe holds her legs above her head, pounding into her relentlessly. Rafe’s practically blinded by lust, barely able to form one coherent thought, so he doesn’t think as he turns his head to the side and licks at the smooth skin of Kiara’s foot that’s closest to his mouth. She yelps in surprise, but she doesn’t pull away. His eyes sparkle deviously as he leans forward and draws the first two toes of her left foot into his mouth, never interrupting the rhythm of his thrusts. The strange and unexpected sensation elicits a strangled moan from Kiara as she watches him, her mouth slightly agape.

“You’re nasty,” she breathes, but she’s biting her lip as she says it, and Rafe feels the walls of her vagina contract ever so slightly. He raises his eyebrows knowingly.

“Maybe. But you love it,” he replies, turning his head to the other side and repeating the action with her right foot. “I always knew you were a freak, Kie,” he teases, but he leans down and presses a kiss against her nose as he says it. The tender gesture flusters Kiara, and she can feel her cheeks burning as she looks away. 

“Rude,” she mutters, pretending to be offended. “Just shut up and fuck me harder.” Rafe’s thrusts don’t speed up, but they do get deeper. He pulls Kiara’s legs down and encourages them around his waist so that the two of them are fully pressed together, skin against skin in every possible way. Rafe’s blue eyes burn into Kiara’s with an emotion that makes her heart pound, even as her brain struggles to put a name to it. As he snaps his hips deliberately, his strong hands holding her in place against his chest, Kiara feels a sort of panic start to rise in her. It’s all too much for her to handle. She starts to shift her body, trying to create some space between them, but Rafe keeps her pressed against him with hands spread across the small of her back.

“It’s alright,” Rafe whispers against her lips. “You don’t have to run.” As he captures Kiara’s lips in a gentle but passionate kiss, she feels something crack open inside of her chest. Rafe’s rings are cool as he cradles her face, thumbing at stray tears as they escape down her cheeks. When he tries to pull back and check on her, Kiara grabs the back of his head and deepens the kiss instead. As their tongues tangle together and Rafe’s dick fills her with delicious pressure, Kiara realizes that she’s going to cum just like this. No pressure on her clit, no harsh stimulation of her front wall, but she’s going to cum just the same. She pulls back from Rafe, her chest heaving with emotion, and looks him in the eye as she reaches her climax.

“I’m going to cum, daddy,” she pants against his lips. “Try not to finish inside of me,” she adds, right before the pleasure of sweet nothingness washes over her, her thoughts becoming nothing more than static and white noise.

“Shit, fuck,” she thinks she hears Rafe groan, and then she feels warmth pooling on her belly, right above her waistline. When Kiara comes back into her body, relaxation spreading through her limbs and making them heavy, she dabs at the liquid on her stomach with interest.

“Sorry, sorry,” Rafe says, hurriedly hopping off the bed to grab tissues. “I know we haven’t talked about if I could do that. I just didn’t want to get it all over the bed.”

Kiara giggles at the worry on his face, still feeling boneless, and she scoops up a little of his release onto her pinky. Rafe looks at her, confusion wrinkling his brow, until she licks the cum off her finger with an appreciative grunt. “Jesus Christ, Kie,” Rafe says, his mouth dropping open in surprise. “You’re going to drive me insane.”

“Not a far drive,” Kie teases, pushing his sweaty hair from his forehead as he starts to wipe at her stomach with a tissue. 

“You think you’re soooo funny,” he replies, narrowing his eyes as he finishes the haphazard cleanup, but he’s smiling.

“I know I am,” Kiara says as she hops off the bed, grabbing a towel from behind her door and wrapping it around her body. “I’m going to use the restroom and rinse off. I’m disgusting, thanks to you.” Before she can slip on her sandals and exit the room, Rafe wraps one arm around her waist, pulling her into his chest. Kiara is caught off guard by the action and squeals in protest.

“You’re welcome,” he retorts, spinning her to face him. His eyes are sparkling with fondness, his chest still heaving with the effort to catch his breath. Kiara doesn’t know if she’s ever seen Rafe so happy or uninhibited, and it feels her chest with that same painful warmth as before. She rises on her tiptoes to press a kiss onto his open mouth, and she savors the way his eyes flutter shut gently.

“Be back soon,” she whispers. Before he can even open his eyes, Kiara has slipped quietly out of the room, leaving Rafe to catch his breath once again.

Rafe begrudgingly heads to the gender neutral bathroom after Kiara returns, even though all he wants to do is curl up against her and fall asleep. When he enters the dim dorm room after cleaning up, his heart somersaults at the sight of Kiara curled in on herself, her curly hair draped over her face and her legs disappearing beneath an oversized t-shirt. He walks quietly to the side of the bed, admiring the peaceful beauty of Kiara’s features as she hovers between sleep and wakefulness. He can tell she’s awake, but just barely. He sits down lightly next to her on the side of the bed, moving the hair out of her face with gentle strokes.

“I’ll talk to Sofia tomorrow. Tell her it’s over for good,” he whispers before he even knows he’s going to say it. So much for not seeing other people, Kiara thinks to herself, but she can’t help but smile at the words, letting herself relax into Rafe’s touch. 

“There was never anyone else,” she mutters as Rafe climbs into bed next to her, fitting himself around the soft curves of her body. As everything drifts farther and farther away, she vaguely perceives Rafe’s sharp intake of breath and the soft press of his lips against her temple. They fall asleep tangled together for the first time, without an ounce of hesitation. Neither of them stop to think about the way that calm can be deceptive when it’s in the eye of a storm. 

Chapter Text

Kiara is pulled out of her dreamless sleep by the buzzing on her nightstand. She wiggles out from under the arm that’s draped heavily around her, squinting at her phone screen as she realizes that it’s already 11 a.m.

JJ: We still on for breakfast? 

JJ: Pretty sure the lovebirds are all still fast asleep

“Shit, shit,” Kiara mutters, hopping out of bed and stumbling around the room as she tries to pull on a pair of jeans.

“What’s happening?” Rafe opens one eye to look at her, his hair sticking out at wild angles all over his head.

“I forgot that I told JJ we could grab breakfast and catch up,” Kiara says apologetically, pulling on a sweatshirt and throwing her hair up in a messy bun. Rafe sits up and stretches with a yawn, and the sight of him looking so sleepy and vulnerable tugs at Kiara’s heartstrings. She pauses for a moment to admire him before continuing to hurry around the room. “I gotta run, I’m sorry. Are you good to let yourself out? The door locks automatically.” Kiara starts throwing clothes into her laundry basket, trying to tidy up the space.

“Why are you cleaning up?” Rafe asks, getting up from the bed. “Are you going to bring him back here?” There’s an edge to Rafe’s voice that catches Kiara off guard, and his eyebrows are drawn together. Kiara realizes with a start that he’s worried something might happen between her and JJ. She suppresses a smile as she walks over to Rafe, reaching up and grabbing him by the shoulders when she reaches him.

“Relax, okay? Nothing’s going to happen. It’s not like that anymore.” Rafe rolls his eyes in exasperation.

“I’ve seen the way he looks at you, Kie. That’s such bullshit.” His face is scrunched into an expression that’s nearly a pout, and Kiara can’t help but smile now.

“Don’t worry, Rafe.” Kiara rubs her hands up and down his arms lightly, and she feels him relax into her touch. “If he says anything or tries anything, I’ll talk to him. I’ll handle it. Nothing is going to happen.”

Rafe searches her face intently for a second before letting the topic drop with a sigh. He leans down and presses a gentle kiss to Kiara’s lips, and this tenderness that she’s still not used to makes her whole body buzz. “Alright. I’ll see you later, then?”

“Tomorrow?” Kiara offers as she grabs her purse, preparing to head out. 

Rafe tilts his head and pretends to be deep in thought. “Mmm, what about tonight?”

“So eager,” Kiara teases as she walks to the door, poking Rafe in the side on the way. 

Rafe yelps and smacks her hand away. “Obviously. I’ve been told I’m obsessed with sex, you know,” he says, a mischievous glint in his blue eyes as he watches Kiara leave.

“I’ll text you. Don’t stay in my room too long!” Kiara calls over her shoulder as the door shuts behind her.

“No promises!”

———————————————————————

As JJ absentmindedly picks at his dining hall food an hour later, Kiara wonders if it’s because the food is gross (it is) or because he has something on his mind (unusual for JJ). They’ve chatted a bit here and there, catching up about the past few months apart, but JJ is unusually quiet. Kiara leans forward and slaps his hand lightly with her spoon to get his attention.

“You good?” 

“What? Oh, yeah, I think I’m just a little hungover. Too much Pink Whitney last night,” JJ jokes with a weak smile. “Speaking of last night, Kie….you never came back. Your friend Kenny was looking for you.” JJ’s blue eyes are piercing from across the table, and Kiara’s heartbeat picks up rapidly. She hopes she doesn’t look as nervous as she feels. 

“Oh yeah, I’ll have to text Kenny. Once I got back to my room to grab a charger, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep.” Kiara shrugs casually, avoiding direct eye contact as she shovels a forkful of rubbery eggs into her mouth.

“Fell asleep. Right.” JJ stares down at the table for a moment, his face hidden so Kiara has no idea what he’s thinking. When he looks up again, he seems to have regained his normal cheerfulness. “I have a little gift for your birthday that I forgot to give to you last night, by the way.”

“You got me a gift?? Little old me? Thank you,” Kiara says, smiling at him warmly. “Do you want to give it to me here?”

“No, I thought maybe we could go back to your dorm to do it?” JJ drums his fingertips on the table, looking almost anxious as he watches Kiara closely and waits for a response. Kiara swallows down her nervousness from being pinned under his unusually intense gaze. 

“Yeah, of course. Just lemme finish up eating.” Kiara eats a few more bites of toast, taking a moment when JJ is distracted to tap out a quick message to Rafe.

Kiara: coming back to the dorm with JJ. pls vacate if you haven’t already 

Rafe: Gross. But I’m already gone don’t worry

After a short walk over from the dining hall, Kiara and JJ enter her (mercifully) empty room. JJ settles onto the edge of her bed, zipping open his backpack and rooting through the contents, the only other sound in the room the faint hum of the heating vents. Kiara hesitates for a moment before perching somewhat awkwardly on the bed next to JJ, leaving a good foot of space between them. She doesn’t know what to do with her body right now. She knows that she’s being too stiff and formal around JJ, but she can’t help it. Kiara keeps glancing at the rumpled sheets on her bed, thinking about what her and Rafe were doing here not even 12 hours ago. It feels almost like a betrayal to be sitting here with JJ now.

“Ah, here it is,” JJ says, finally pulling a small, poorly wrapped package out of his backpack with a flourish. “I really need to clean this thing out.”

“You didn’t need to get me anything, JJ,” Kiara chides him as he hands her the package.

“I wanted to. Are you going to open it or not??” JJ scoots a little closer to Kiara, nudging her with his shoulder. Once it’s unwrapped, she sees that the gift is a framed photo of JJ, Pope, John B, and Kiara, taken at their high school graduation. The photo is a candid of the group captured mid-laugh, their arms wrapped around each other and their caps and gowns thrown to the side. Kiara feels a lump form in her throat as she gazes at the picture. She feels like lifetimes have passed since this day. How can it be that this picture was taken not even a year ago, but Kiara barely recognizes this girl now? “So you don’t forget about us,” JJ says, scratching his head self-consciously. “I know the songs and movies and all that say nothing ever stays the same, but I hope this is a thing that never changes. The 4 of us, together.” Kiara feels tears spring into her eyes, and blinks rapidly to send them back where they came from.

“I think if I was going up get rid of you guys, I would have done it by now,” Kiara jokes, trying to keep the tears at bay. “I love it, Jayj, thank you. Now I can have the whole family nearby.” Kiara finally looks at JJ, her round eyes shining with tears, and she can’t quite place the look on his face. Before she knows what’s happening, JJ is leaning in and closing the gap between them. Kiara feels his warm breath on her lips as he draws nearer, can see out of the corner of her eye that his hand is lifting to cradle her face. Kiara feels frozen in place, like time is moving in slow motion as she tries to process what’s going on. They don’t kiss outside of sex, ever. Does that mean JJ is trying to have sex right now? And if he’s not, then what the hell is he doing? Kiara’s eyes briefly flit closed, and all she can picture behind her eyelids is the look of worry on Rafe’s face this morning. She jerks back from JJ right as his lips brush hers.

“JJ, I can’t. Not really in the mood, you know?” JJ backs away from her slowly, hurt and betrayal flitting across his face in quick succession. Kiara hates herself for not being honest sooner, for still not being honest, even now. She has no idea how she’d even start to explain things to him.

“Right. Not in the mood. My fault,” JJ says in a clipped voice, leaning down to zip his backpack shut. He stands up and slings it over his shoulder, avoiding eye contact with Kiara as he shuffles around the room. 

“Jayj, where are you going? Don’t leave. I-I’m sorry. We can still hang out,” Kiara tries to smooth things and get him to stay, but it’s too late. JJ won’t look at her, and he’s already headed for the door.

“No need to be sorry. I left some stuff in Pope’s room, so I should be getting back, anyway. Happy birthday, Kie,” he says gruffly, throwing the door open and hurrying out of the room.

“Jayj-“ Kiara calls out, but the door is already shut, and she hears his footsteps retreat down the hall. “Shit,” she mutters to herself as she stands alone in her room, staring at the picture frame lying on her bed. She tries and fails to wrap her head around how things had taken such a turn. 

When JJ and John B leave the next day, promising to return in a months’ time for their shared spring break, Kiara tries to pull JJ aside and apologize. But he avoids her so skillfully that she doesn’t get the chance, and the most she sees of him is in the seconds before he climbs into the Twinkie, when he wraps her in a brief hug without ever making direct eye contact. 

“JJ-“ she tries one more time, but he’s already walking towards the passenger seat of the van.

“See you soon, Kie,” he says softly, adjusting his cap so it sits backwards on his head, and then he’s gone. 

Kiara feels guilty for her strange falling out with JJ, knowing that she bears a lot of responsibility for the awkwardness and tension between them, but she doesn’t suspect that he knows anything about Rafe. And she’s so preoccupied with the shift in her relationship with Rafe, with the new intensity and passion between them, that she doesn’t notice that the other Pogues are starting to recognize her odd behavior. Kiara has been pulling away from them for months, and the Pogues are starting to realize that it has nothing to do with school at all. They watch as their friend retreats into her own world, wanting to reach her but not knowing how. Eventually, as the weeks pass, they mostly stop trying.

———————————————————————

Spring break is a little over a week away, and Kiara is lying with her cheek on Rafe’s bare chest again, waiting for her breathing to return to normal. The two of them barely fit on her tiny bed, but they’re used to it by now. They never go to Rafe’s place, even though he has a bigger room and bed, because Kiara has no desire to risk running into Bryce. Or to be faced with any reminder of Halloween night, for that matter. Rafe traces his fingers lightly down Kiara’s spine, appreciating the soft glow of the afternoon sun as it filters in through the curtains and illuminates the smooth skin of Kiara’s back. She shivers at his gentle touch, and he unconsciously pulls her even closer, bare skin on skin touching everywhere.

“Careful, or I’m going to be asking for a round two before you’re ready to provide it,” Kiara warns, nuzzling into Rafe’s chest. 

“I’m always ready,” Rafe scoffs, folding his arms behind his head in a very unsubtle attempt to show off his biceps. 

“I think Little Rafe would disagree,” Kiara teases, lifting her cheek and setting her chin on his stomach so she can look at his face. 

“I thought we discussed you never calling it that again,” Rafe says, groaning with feigned outrage. Kiara giggles, and she’s about to keep teasing him when they’re interrupted by her phone buzzing on the nightstand. Rafe grabs it with a dramatic sigh and moves to hand it over to her, but he frowns when he sees the screen. 

“You’ve got like, a ton of missed calls and texts, Kie. From Sarah and Cleo, it looks like,” Rafe says, his eyebrows drawing together. 

“Really? That’s weird,” Kiara replies, sitting up and taking the phone from Rafe. What she sees makes her heart leap into her throat. 

Missed calls: SarBear (3 missed calls), Cleooo (2 missed calls)

Cleo: we saved a seat for you, little missy. don’t be late 

Sarah: dude, where the hell are you? you’re going to miss Pope’s presentation.

And the most recent text that just came through, which makes Kiara feel so nauseous that she can taste bile in the back of her throat.

Sarah: you’re going to have some serious explaining to do.

Fuck. Pope’s research presentation, the one he’s been talking about for months, was this afternoon. Kiara must not have heard her phone through her fog of lust. She realizes that the initial calls and texts came in over an hour and a half ago, meaning she definitely missed the whole thing. 

“Shit, shit, shit,” Kiara hisses, clumsily rolling over Rafe and running across the room to pull new clothes out of her dresser. 

“What? What’s happening? Is Sarah okay?” Rafe sits up and swings his legs over the bed, ready to spring into action.

“Sarah’s fine, but I’m not going to be once they get their hands on me. I missed Pope’s big research presentation, the one he’s been working on practically the whole year.” Kiara slips on loose pants and a leather jacket, frantically brushing out her damp hair in an attempt to look semi-presentable. 

Rafe watches her with his eyebrows raised, the picture of amusement. “You know, you seem to be running out of this room a lot lately.”

“Because I’m so scatterbrained these days! I blame Rafe and Little Rafe,” Kiara groans, throwing Rafe’s pile of clothes in his direction. 

“I’m sure they’ll understand,” Rafe says as he pulls on his sweatshirt, his toned muscles rippling as he tugs the fabric over his head. Even now, Kiara can’t help but stop to admire him. She swears that he’s gotten even more muscular since lacrosse started up again. She shakes her head to snap out of it.

“I don’t know, Rafe. This was kind of a big deal.” She feels guilt and shame rising fast within her, and Rafe finally seems to notice the extent of her distress. He crosses the room to where she stands in front of the mirror, yanking fruitlessly at her tangled hair. He gently pulls the hairbrush out of her grasp and runs it through her hair, easing the brush through the clumped strands with such tenderness that it makes Kiara’s heart ache. They make eye contact in the mirror, and Kiara feels that thing again, the one she can’t name - or the one she’s too scared to name. The one that feels like it’s cracking her heart into a million little pieces. Kiara savors the way Rafe looks at her in these moments, the vulnerability he allows that’s for her and her alone. 

“Hey, I’m sure it’s going to be fine. Let me know how it goes, okay?” He hesitates for a moment, his eyes flickering away from her gaze in the mirror. “I’m…here for you.” Rafe stutters on the words slightly, like his tongue doesn’t quite know how to form them. Kiara guesses that this kind of comfort is unfamiliar to him, but at least he’s trying.

“Thanks.” Kiara feels warmth spread through her body at Rafe’s awkward tenderness, and it takes a concerted effort to pull herself out of his grasp. “I should get going. Try and apologize. Beg for mercy.”

“Alright, I’ll head out with you. Got lacrosse in a bit anyway,” Rafe replies easily, grabbing his jacket off the desk chair and slinging it over his shoulder. “Try getting him food. The stomach is the best way to the heart, after all!” He suggests as they leave Kiara’s building, nudging her in the side fondly before heading towards his house. 

Once Rafe’s gone, Kiara hurries around campus, checking all of Pope’s usual spots as a nervous sweat breaks out on her entire body. She has a hunch that her friends are still together, and she’s not sure if it’s better or worse to face them as a group right now. Kiara finally spots them in the dining hall, seemingly trying to cheer Pope up as he pokes half-heartedly at his plate. Kiara feels another surge of guilt and decides to let them finish their meal while she picks some real food up for Pope. After securing his favorite order from the campus Bojangles, Kiara lurks outside of Pope’s dorm, waiting for him to make an appearance. She feels creepy and desperate as she waits in the bushes like a stalker, but she’s not sure what else to do.

After half an hour of agonized waiting, Kiara is surprised to see Pope approaching his dorm alone. She waits until he’s at the door with his back turned to creep behind him, following him into the dorm before the door shuts. He waits for the elevator while Kiara tiptoes to the stairs, knowing Pope lives on the 4th floor. She books it up the stairs, panting and heaving as she bursts out of the stairwell, but she makes it in time to intercept Pope right before he disappears into his room.

“Pope, Pope!” She yells breathlessly, coming to a stop a few feet from him. Kiara watches his back heave with a deep sigh, but he reluctantly turns around to face her. The naked hurt on his face sends regret shooting through Kiara. “Pope, I’m so sorry. I’m the worst. I know you just ate, but I brought your favorite for later. I’m really sorry I missed the presentation. I’m a total idiot.” Pope stares at the bag in her hand skeptically for a moment, before reaching out and taking it. Maybe Rafe was right about the stomach being the quickest way to the heart.

“It’s fine,” Pope says with a shrug, but Kiara can see the way his shoulders sag in defeat. “I wasn’t even surprised that you weren’t there.” 

Kiara blinks in surprise, caught off guard by the hostility in his face and in his tone. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It means that you haven’t been a good friend lately, Kiara,” Pope snaps, taking a step towards her. “You think I haven’t noticed how weird you’ve been acting for the last few months? You think we all haven’t noticed? Even JJ said you’re acting weird, and JJ never says anything negative about you.” Kiara feels anger spark in her chest, matching the fire that burns in Pope’s eyes. She never was one to back down.

“I’m so glad you all came to this conclusion behind my back. That’s really thoughtful, Pope. Thank you for your concern.” Her words drip with sarcasm, but real hurt lurks just beneath the surface. 

“Give me a break, Kiara. You’ve been hiding things from us for months. You don’t get to be angry about me finally saying something about it.” 

Kiara’s heart rate picks up, her pulse pounding in her throat. Has she really been that obvious? Does Pope know what she’s been keeping from them? “Don’t tell me what I can or can’t feel, Pope,” Kiara retorts, folding her arms across her chest to keep her hands from shaking. “And hiding stuff? What are you even talking about? You know I’ve been busy and stressed about school.”

Pope barks out a harsh laugh. “Right, that’s the excuse you keep using. We’re all busy, Kiara. But no one is acting as shitty as you are. You’ve abandoned your friends.”

Deep down, Kiara knows Pope is right, and that makes her angrier than anything. She retaliates before she can let the truth of his words sink in. “I’m sorry, have you stopped to consider why that is? Maybe it’s because it’s not always fun to hang out with people that are all coupled up. Everyone here is perfectly fine without me being around.”

“That’s not true, Kiara. Maybe that’s what you tell yourself to feel better, but we invite you to everything. You’re the one that doesn’t show up. You’re the one that spends your time doing god knows what with god knows who!” Pope is pointing at her accusatorially, his words filled with emotion that has been building for weeks. Maybe even months. 

“Maybe I don’t always want to watch the Pope and Cleo show! Maybe I don’t want to hear Sarah moon over John B all the time. Excuse me if I have my own life.” Kiara throws her hands up in exasperation, trying to mask the guilt that she feels. 

“You’re just making excuses. You’re a terrible liar, Kiara, did you know that? I thought our rule was that Pogues don’t lie to each other?” She hates when Pope gets like this, even if he’s right. Kiara can’t take the condescension in his tone, the way he looks at her with disappointment like he’s her father. 

“Well I thought another rule was that Pogues don’t mack on other Pogues. Seems like that rule hasn’t aged well either in this group,” Kiara fires back, desperate to get the attention off her. 

“That’s hilarious, because the only people that have technically broken that rule are you and JJ.” There’s a cruel glint in Pope’s eyes as he broaches the taboo topic, the thing they never talk about in the group. “And JJ is miserable right now. Do you even care about that? Or are you too obsessed with yourself to notice?”

“Screw you, Pope. You don’t get to say that to me. You spend all your time with your girlfriend.” Kiara responds half-heartedly, but she feels all the fight drain out of her body as his words start to slowly sink in. She watches as Pope shakes his head sadly, reaching for his door.

“How would you even know, Kiara? You don’t talk to us, you barely even hang out with us. I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore.” Kiara takes a shaky step backwards, feeling like she’s been slapped. She hears the sharp intake of her own breath as Pope’s words slice her down to the core. 

“I hope whatever you’re hiding is worth it, Kie.” Pope shoots her one last glance before stepping into his room, shutting the door between them and leaving Kiara out in the chilly, fluorescent-lit hall.

———————————————————————

Kiara stands on the doorstep of DKE, ringing the doorbell incessantly. The sun has just started to dip below the horizon, and her thin jacket is insufficient protection against the mid-March wind. Her whole body is shivering violently when some frat bro finally yanks open the door. 

“Is Rafe here?” Kiara is still reeling from her fight with Pope and doesn’t have time for pleasantries. 

“Who?” The frat brother is about the same height as Kiara, with long, dirty blonde hair that’s parted down the middle. His brown eyes look glazed, like he’s drunk or just woke up from a nap. Maybe both.

“Rafe? Rafe Cameron? From the OBX? His dad’s rich?” Kiara says impatiently.

“Lots of people’s dads are rich here,” the frat bro mutters. “But yeah, I think Cameron just got back from lacrosse. He should be upstairs.” Kiara pushes past him before he can say another word, and she hears him huff behind her. “Rude!” Kiara half jogs to the stairs, trying to keep her head as empty as possible, fighting against all the memories associated with this place. She reaches the landing of the second floor and makes a beeline for Rafe’s door, not even pausing to knock as she reaches for the handle. The door’s unlocked, so Kiara flings it open and steps inside, hovering in the doorway like an out-of-breath apparition. Rafe’s back is turned to the door, and he’s in the process of stripping off his sweaty shirt when Kiara busts into his room.

“Bro, what the fuck-?” Rafe jumps a little and whips around, his shirt discarded haphazardly onto the floor. The toned muscles of his chest and stomach ripple temptingly as he faces Kiara, and desire flares in her stomach despite all the other emotions she’s currently experiencing. Rafe relaxes when he realizes who’s entered his room, but his eyebrows draw together in confusion. 

“Kie, what are you doing here? I thought you would be with Pope. I just got-“ Rafe cuts himself off mid-sentence when he sees the look on Kiara’s face. He crosses the room in a few long strides, and once he reaches her he cradles her face in his hands and gently pulls her head up to look at him. Kiara doesn’t realize she’s crying until she feels Rafe swipe at the wetness on her cheeks. “Hey, hey, look at me. What’s the matter?” Kiara just shakes her head, too upset to explain what happened. She can’t make sense of the torrent of thoughts and feelings whirling inside of her, doesn’t know how else to calm the raging storm except to get Rafe’s hands on her. “What do you need?” Rafe is the only person that ever asks her that, Kiara realizes. The only one who bothers asking what she needs. What she wants. She’s dizzy with desire as she crowds into his space, pressing her body against his so she can soak up the heat radiating off his skin.

“You,” she whispers against his lips. Kiara runs her hands along the lines of Rafe’s taut stomach, her cold hands making him shiver. He instinctively grips her waist, his thumbs sneaking under the fabric of her jacket and thin top.

“Rough or gentle? What do you need?” Kiara leans in and bites at his bottom lip, hoping that’s answer enough, but Rafe pulls away and looks at her intently. He’s waiting for the words, and she can tell that he’s not going to settle for less today. 

“Want it rough. Don’t want to think.” Rafe leans in to steal a kiss from Kiara’s soft lips, pulling her jacket off at the same time. “Did you get the thing we talked about?” Kiara asks breathlessly, pulling her shirt off. Rafe’s eyes flicker down to her bare chest before rising to her face again, his face full of desire but also hesitation. He runs a hand through his still-damp hair, looking torn.

“Kie, I don’t know if today…”

“It’s what I want.” Rafe’s blue eyes are still shining with concern, so Kiara knows she needs to bring out the big guns. She tugs his shorts down his waist and looks at him with her most seductive eyes. “Please, daddy.” Rafe throws his head back with a groan, letting Kiara lead him by the hand to the bed.

“And you sure you’re good with…being in this house?” Kiara feels her stomach churn uneasily at Rafe’s question, but she quickly pushes the feeling down. 

“I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t. Now get the stuff.” Rafe chuckles slightly at the desperation in her voice, moving to open a desk drawer while Kiara perches on the side of his full bed, kicking her pants off.

“You know, I haven’t even showered yet,” Rafe muses, turning around to face her once he finds what he’s looking for. He slowly approaches Kiara on the bed, his eyes hungrily taking in the expanse of her lean, tanned skin.

“Good,” Kiara says, pulling Rafe in by his narrow waist and licking at his abdomen. Rafe sucks in a ragged breath, gripping onto Kiara’s shoulders with purposeful fingers. 

“Fuck, Kie. Who’s nasty now?” Rafe flashes his lopsided smirk as he pushes Kiara onto her back. He holds up the handcuffs he procured from his desk, the black metal glinting in the rapidly fading light from outside. “They’re not real handcuffs; they’re made for this purpose. But if you want to stop at any point, just tell me ‘red light’. ‘Yellow light’ if you need me to ease up. Okay?” He searches Kiara’s face anxiously, but all he sees looking back at him is anticipation and impatience. 

“Yeah, yeah. Please stop talking, Rafe,” Kiara whispers, holding her wrists out.

“You’re so bossy today. I guess I’ll have to do something about that, won’t I?” Rafe’s voice seems to drop an octave as snaps one side of the handcuffs into place, then the other. “Be a good girl and don’t struggle too much,” he whispers, pushing Kiara’s arms above her head so her entire body is exposed and vulnerable. Kiara’s breath comes out in harsh gasps as Rafe pulls himself onto the bed beside her, his hands ghosting over the jut of her hipbones and the soft curves of her stomach. Kiara squirms even though he’s not even touching her yet, the anticipation building in her body like an electrical charge. “Always so greedy and eager, aren’t you? I think I’ll have to teach you some patience.”

“I’d rather you just fuck me, to be honest,” Kiara pants impatiently, trying to reach for Rafe’s hair, but she’s held back by the cuffs digging into her wrists. 

“Just relax,” Rafe whispers, trailing his lips down Kiara’s solar plexus and stomach before planting a kiss above her belly button. “I want to savor all this beauty, for once.” He hooks his thumbs under the lace of Kiara’s underwear, pulling them down her smooth legs. Once they’re discarded onto the ground, Rafe hovers over Kiara’s body with his own, dipping his head to press a light kiss on the inside of her left thigh. He works his way down, alternating legs, until Kiara’s whole body is vibrating with pleasure. Rafe runs his tongue along Kiara’s ankle all the way down to her foot, licking lightly at the soft skin there. He moves across the bed to the next foot, repeating the motion. 

“Jesus Rafe,” Kiara moans as she shifts her legs, trying in vain to get him to touch her where she really needs it. “Please touch me. I can’t take it anymore.”

“I am touching you,” Rafe teases as he works his way back up Kiara’s body, his lips barely touching her skin now.

“You know what I mean,” Kiara huffs, sitting up slightly to glare at him. Rafe dips his head between Kiara’s legs and licks at her clit a few times, and the sudden attention makes Kiara cry out in pleasure. Rafe can hear the clink of the handcuffs as she tries desperately to reach him. 

“Like that?” He runs his tongue along her most sensitive area one more time before pulling away with a devilish smile. 

“More. Please, daddy,” Kiara begs. Heat rushes through Rafe’s whole body at the desire in her voice, settling painfully between his legs.

“Patience. Be good for me and I’ll take care of you.”

Rafe grips the sides of Kiara’s ribcage with delicious force, pulling her up slightly from the bed to give him better access to her chest. He drags his tongue along the sensitive skin of her left nipple, before drawing it into his mouth and sucking on it lightly. He releases her with a slight pop, moving over to the right nipple and biting down lightly before drawing it into his mouth and sucking on it in earnest. Kiara moans loudly and rubs her legs together, desperate for some sort of friction to release the heat that’s building between her thighs. But Rafe simply loops her cuffed hands around his neck, dipping down to lick up Kiara’s neck to the sensitive spot behind her ear. He sucks at the skin there and relishes the full body shudder it pulls from Kiara. He latches onto the skin just above her right collarbone with his teeth, sucking at the caramel skin until it starts to bruise. 

“Daddy, please,” Kiara begs, and she feels tears spring into her eyes. Her chest is heaving with arousal, and she feels more breathless with every burning breath she sucks in.

“You’re being so good,” Rafe purrs as he lifts Kiara off the bed by her waist, flipping her around and pressing her face first into the mattress. “My good fucking girl.” The purr turns into a growl as Rafe spreads Kiara’s legs apart, biting at the smooth skin of her upper thigh. Kiara’s moan is muffled by the comforter, and her hands are clasped underneath her. The cool metal of the handcuffs dig into her wrists and stomach, and Kiara relishes the sharp pain, loving the way it numbs everything else she’s feeling. Rafe plunges three fingers into Kiara with no warning, ripping a guttural groan from her chest. He works them in and out a few times, reaching around to thumb at her clit lightly as well, before pulling his fingers out with an appreciative grunt. 

“Fuck me, Kiara, you’re dripping wet. You’re loving this, aren’t you? Being at my mercy? Not being able to do a damn thing unless I let you?”

“You’re not the boss of me,” Kiara says defiantly, but it’s just a reflex. She’s floating above her body, barely able to form coherent thoughts after all the teasing and edging.

“We’ll see about that,” Rafe says, a devious smile in his voice, and then Kiara feels his tongue plunging in out and of her. He grabs her by the hips and draws her ass towards him, granting him easier access to her clit as he starts to circle it with his tongue in earnest. Kiara keens with pleasure, the sound animalistic and desperate, as Rafe picks up the pace on her clit. She thinks she’s getting close when he pulls away suddenly, and Kiara finds herself begging for his tongue before she can stop herself.

“If you want to finish, you’ll finish when I tell you. Okay?” Rafe breathes into her ear, and Kiara can feel the wetness from the head of his cock through his thin boxers. Without waiting for an answer, Rafe surprises her by reaching down to play with the nub of her clit with his fingers, while at the same time spreading Kiara’s legs even further and licking a delicate stripe from her vagina all the way up to her other hole.

“Shit!” Kiara exclaims in surprise while trying to squirm out of his hold, not used to the unfamiliar sensation. 

“Relax, baby. You’re doing so good.” Kiara relaxes slight at the praise, even as Rafe continues to move from her pussy up to her other hole. He gently circles it with his tongue as he applies more and more pressure to her clit with his rough fingertips. It’s all so overwhelming, the strange sensations too much for Kiara to handle, and she knows she’s not going to last much longer. Rafe must know it too, because he pulls Kiara’s head up by the hair at the nape of her neck and whispers into her ear, making her shudder. 

“That’s it. Now cum for me,” Rafe commands in a gentle but firm voice.

“No way,” Kiara moans, but she’s just being difficult. She does want to finish, but she doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of doing it on command. 

“Do it, Kiara. Be a good fucking girl,” Rafe demands from between her legs, before dipping down and lapping rapidly at her clit, knowing how her body will respond.  

“Fuck, fuuuuuuck,” Kiara cries out as she hurtles over the edge of her release, her open mouth gasping for air and her restrained hands trying desperately to grab at the comforter, to grab at anything. Rafe climbs over her and pulls her up into his lap before she can even start to catch her breath, and it takes Kiara a while to realize that Rafe’s underwear have been lost somewhere along the way. He slides his hard cock between Kiara’s folds, letting out a shuddering groan as he feels the wetness gathered there. Rafe lifts Kiara’s hips and brings her down onto his length, working her open gently as she gets used to the stretch.

“Ride me.” Rafe says when she finally works his whole length inside of her, his grip on her hips so tight that Kiara wonders absentmindedly if he might leave bruises. His eyes are glazed over with lust, and he’s biting at his lip like it’s taking him a massive effort to control himself. 

“How am I supposed to do that without using my hands?” Kiara gives Rafe a dirty look as she throws her damp, curly hair over one shoulder. 

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Bounce on it as best as you can.” Kiara huffs in outrage but starts to move her hips as best as she can. The whole thing is slightly humiliating, with Kiara starting and stopping multiple times, struggling to keep her balance without her hands to steady her. But Rafe’s grip on her waist only gets tighter, and his eyes roam her body desperately, taking in the blush on her cheeks and the sheen of sweat on her forehead. He thinks she’s never looked more beautiful than she does right now.

Rafe throws his head back against his pillow, groaning like he’s in pain. “God, Kiara, you’re so fucking gorgeous. I can’t even believe you’re real sometimes. I lo-“ He cuts himself off abruptly, taking a deep breath as Kiara’s eyes snap up to his. “I love seeing you like this,” he continues, biting his lip as Kiara continues to clumsily bounce up and down his length.

“What? Sweating? Out of breath?” Kiara jokes, trying to swallow down the emotion climbing into her throat as she observes the vulnerability in Rafe’s eyes, the unmistakeable devotion in his gaze.

“Flushed. Aroused. Just for me.” And then Rafe is holding her hips up as he fucks into her from below, setting a bruising rhythm that steals the breath from Kiara’s chest. She lets him pound into her, the relentless thrusts forcing soft moans out of her mouth, but it’s still not enough. She needs just a little more to get to the place she wants to be, where her thoughts will be completely tuned out by the steady hum of her pleasure.

“Grab me. Choke me, Rafe,” Kiara whispers, looking down at him through the curtain of her long hair. She plants her feet on the bed so Rafe only has to help support her weight with one arm, allowing him to reach up with the other and wrap his long fingers around her delicate throat. He makes sure to only grip the sides of her neck to avoid hurting her. Kiara’s breathy moans are confined to her throat, only able to come out as low hums, and the sound is so erotic that Rafe feels like he’s going to lose his mind. Something animal rises in Rafe, something dark and possessive, and he pulls Kiara in by her neck, pressing his lips to hers and running his tongue along her plump bottom lip.

“Mine,” Rafe grits out through clenched teeth, his blue eyes burning into Kiara’s from mere inches away. Her eyes roll back in her head at the sensations everywhere, at the delicious feeling of relinquishing control, of being able to totally let go and let desire take over her body. Her pussy clenches desperately as she becomes a little lightheaded from the choking, and Rafe buries a loud groan into the side of her neck. His thrusts are becoming uneven and sloppy, and Kiara knows he’s not going to last much longer. He releases Kiara’s neck and cradles her face as she catches her breath, staring into her warm eyes as he nears his release.

“Cum on me, daddy. Show me how bad you want me,” Kiara whispers into the air between them. Rafe releases a string of curses as he flips Kiara onto her back and finishes all over her chest. Kiara admires him during his orgasm with a sly smile, taking in the way his face contorts with pleasure so intense it almost looks like the pain, the way his biceps flex as he holds himself up, the way his lips are so bitten pink that they’re almost red. When Rafe’s finally done, his eyes snap open and they widen as he takes in the mess he made. He makes eye contact with Kiara for one long second, and the look of disgust on her face makes Rafe dissolve into choking laughter. Kiara glares at him for a second before collapsing into giggles herself, the sound of their laughter filling the still twilight air around them.

“Clean me up, asshole,” Kiara says through her giggles, shoving Rafe by the shoulder off the bed. 

“You asked me to do this!” Rafe protests with a laugh, but he pulls some tissues and antibacterial wipes out of his nightstand, cleaning Kiara off as much as possible with the tissues before following up with the wet wipe. Rafe takes his time cleaning Kiara up, admiring the smooth, supple skin of her chest and the way he can raise goosebumps there with just a brush of his fingertips. He’s nearly getting himself worked up again when Kiara’s voice breaks him out of his reverie. 

“Mind letting me out of these, officer?” Kiara’s rattles the cuffs on her wrists with a wry smile on her face. 

“Shit, sorry.” Once Rafe has retrieved the key and Kiara is free from the cuffs, they pull some of their clothes back on. After he’s in clean shorts and a t-shirt, Rafe curls up next to Kiara on the bed, his head on her stomach. They lay in silence for a while, Rafe listening to Kiara’s heartbeat and Kiara combing absentmindedly through Rafe’s hair with her fingers. Eventually Kiara breaks the silence, but to Rafe it almost sounds like she’s talking to herself.

“I had a fight with Pope. A bad one. He said all kinds of stuff about me neglecting all my friends, about hiding stuff from them. How I’ve been distant and a bad friend.”

“I’m sorry, Kie.” Rafe’s voice is soft, apologetic. He doesn’t say much, wanting to give her space to talk.

“Do you know what the worst part is?” Rafe simply looks up at her from where he rests on her stomach and waits. He knows it’s a rhetorical question. “He’s right. I have been a bad friend. I should have told them about everything a long time ago.”

“Everything?” Rafe asks, swallowing nervously.

“I don’t know, about a lot of things. About my parents, about Bryce…” Kiara feels Rafe stiffen at the mention of Bryce’s name, and she runs a soothing hand down his shoulder blade. “And yeah, this. Don’t you think it’s time we stopped sneaking around?” Kiara sits up, forcing Rafe to rise with her. She searches his face with her molten eyes.

“Yeah, I do. I guess I’m just nervous about everyone being in our business.” Rafe looks down at his hands, fiddling with his rings like he does when he’s nervous.

“I’m guessing things are things still weird with Sofia?”

“I’m not sure if she’s told anyone else yet, but yeah, she hasn’t been taking it particularly well. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone move through the stages of grief so rapidly before.” Rafe breathes out a humorless laugh, steeling himself to look up into Kiara’s expectant face. He knows what sneaking around is doing to her, and he doesn’t want to be responsible for any more of her pain. “I can handle Sofia, though. It’s probably for the best to have everything out in the open. Even if I’ll never hear the end of it from my sister.” Kiara laughs, unable to deny it. She knows it’s going to be the same for her. 

“What are we going to say? What are we going to tell people about us?” Kiara reaches down and threads her fingers through Rafe’s. He thumbs gently at her soft skin, trying to will himself to be brave. 

Rafe clears his throat before answering. “Well, we’ll say the truth. That we’re, you know, that we’re-“

Rafe’s interrupted by Kiara’s phone buzzing several times in quick succession, making them both jump.

“Sorry, sorry,” Kiara says hurriedly, reaching over to put her phone on do not disturb. “They’re always texting at the worst times…” Kiara trails off slowly as she reads the texts sent in the Pogues group chat, the one with all 6 of them. Sarah sent an article to the group, and Kiara quickly scans the first few sentences, her eyes widening with horror.

“Kie? You all good?”

UNC NEWS: Prominent UNC Frat DKE Suspended Amidst Allegations of Sexual Misconduct 

After several complaints were made to university administration with no action taken, a civil lawsuit has been filed against DKE’s president, a senior at UNC.

Sarah: isn’t this the guy that let us into the party??

Cleo: holy shit. what a creep

“What is it?” Rafe asks, peering over Kiara’s shoulder to look at the headline. She turns to look at him, her vision narrowing and a sick feeling growing in her stomach. She watches as Rafe’s whole face seems to drop, as fear fills his eyes before he can hide it. 

“Did you know about this?” Kiara asks, her voice eerily calm. 

Kiara knows from the look on Rafe’s face that she’s not going to like the answer.

Chapter Text

“Kie…” Rafe stares down into his lap, unable to meet Kiara’s piercing gaze, unable to face her cold eyes that just moments ago looked at him with painfully warm tenderness. 

“How long? How long have you known?” Kiara can feel that her hands are starting to shake, so she pulls them out of Rafe’s grip and clasps them together.

“I don’t know, a week? A little more?” Rafe scratches his head anxiously. “That’s when we got the suspension warning. And the lawsuit thing…I don’t know. I’ve just heard rumors.”

“Over a week.” Kiara stares at Rafe, a dull roar building in her head as she lets this information sink in. “And you didn’t say anything to me?”

Rafe’s brow pinches in distress. “It didn’t come up. And I….didn’t want to upset you. I figured you would find out eventually.” 

Kiara scoffs. “Like that somehow makes it better? You didn’t think that maybe you should be the one to tell me? That this was maybe something that I deserved to hear from you?” The volume of her voice has increased substantially, so Kiara takes a deep breath and tries to reel it back in.

Rafe looks taken aback by the venom in her voice, but he still tries to lay a comforting hand on top of hers. She yanks her hand away before he gets the chance. “Kiara, I’m sorry I didn’t say anything, but I didn’t know-“

“Have you told anyone what Bryce did to me? What he tried to do?” Kiara digs her nails into the smooth skin of her palms, trying desperately to stay calm.

“No, I didn’t think it was my business to share.” Rafe’s blue eyes search her face, wordlessly pleading with her to understand. Kiara braces herself against the tenderness she usually feels for Rafe, shoving it somewhere deep inside her as she continues to ask questions. 

“Were you asked? By the university, or lawyers, or anything? If there were any other incidents?” Kiara works hard to sound calm and detached, but her voice trembles slightly on the last word. Rafe picks up on the emotion in her voice and stares down into his lap for a long moment before answering.

“There’s been people nosing around. But no one asked me any questions directly.” He knows he’s a coward for dodging the question, but Kiara sees through his vague response anyway. 

“You’re unbelievable, Rafe.” Kiara pushes up from the bed with a look of disgust on her face, and starts to gather her clothes and belongings from around the room.

“Kie, Kie, it’s complicated,” Rafe scrambles up from the bed, trying to placate her. “Like I said, it’s not my business - it happened to you, and you didn’t want to tell anyone at the time!”

“And?? What else??” Kiara wheels on him with fury burning in her eyes, knowing instinctively that he’s not telling the whole truth. Of course she knows. Rafe is a fool for thinking he could hide any of this from her. 

“And…I figured if I said anything, there’s a good chance this whole organization gets banned from campus.” Rafe looks down at his feet as Kiara barks out a humorless laugh, the sound cruel and unforgiving.

“‘Nosing around’? The ‘organization’??”Kiara throws mocking air quotes around his words. “What is this, the fucking frat boy mafia??” Kiara takes a step forward, her belongings forgotten for the time being. “You should have told me, Rafe. And then I could have decided what I wanted to do about it. You don’t think I deserved that chance?” 

The hurt in Kiara’s voice is too much for Rafe to handle, and the anger he feels at himself ricochets across the room in Kiara’s direction. “I’m sorry, okay?? I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to make the wrong decision.” Rafe starts to pace the room, but Kiara stands completely motionless, watching him.

Although Rafe sounds distraught, Kiara can tell his apology isn’t for her; it’s just to ease his own guilty conscience. “So you just made no decision at all. I see. How typical, Rafe.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rafe finally faces Kiara, unable to suppress the outrage that rises in him at the disappointment in her tone. It’s always disappointment when people speak to him. Why can he never do the right thing?

“You’re obsessed with what people think of you, but how about what you think of you? You don’t even like yourself.” Rafe’s mouth drops open in wounded surprise. “Probably because you’re selfish, and self-serving, and you don’t believe in anything, and you don’t fight for anything!” Kiara takes a half-step closer with every shortcoming she lists off. The short distance between them simmers with the heat of their anger, sucking all the air out of the room.

“And what about you, Kiara?” There’s steel in Rafe’s voice now, the sharp edge of his pride cutting into his words. “All alone, up there on your pedestal? Your whole attitude is just an act! It’s the flimsy armor you put on to protect yourself. You’re alone even when you’re surrounded by people, because you won’t let anyone close enough to actually get to know you.” Rafe watches as Kiara’s face briefly crumples in on itself, before anger smoothes her features out again. “God forbid someone actually got close enough to find out a weakness! But you’re a liar, and you don’t know how to be real with anyone.” Rafe’s chest is heaving with the effort of spitting the words out, words he doesn’t even know if he means. He just knows they’ll hurt her back, and that’s all he cares about at the moment.

“Yeah, well look how it turned out!! I let someone get to know me who didn’t deserve it. You know, there was a part of me that thought we were similar, Rafe. I thought…” Kiara swallows harshly, and Rafe tracks the movement as a lump grows in his own throat. “I thought we cared about each other.” Kiara’s eyes are shining with tears, and Rafe can see the hurt struggling against the anger in her stare. He almost apologizes right then, nearly begs for her forgiveness and admits that this was his fault. But Kiara continues before he can open his mouth. “But I was wrong. Because I care about you, and you obviously don’t care about me. You only care about yourself. You knew what happened to me in high school, and you knew what almost happened to me here. You knew what Bryce was capable of, and you had an opportunity to do something about it. But that doesn’t matter, does it? Nothing matters except fitting in, right? Not making waves? Making people like you? No matter how shitty those people are?” The blanket indictment of Rafe’s character, of his life and everyone in it, is too much for Rafe to bear. He feels his father’s voice echo in his mind, feels years of inadequacy and insecurity rise up from somewhere deep within him. The words that come out of Rafe might as well have come straight from his father’s mouth.

“It’s not that simple, Kiara. I have responsibilities! People expect things from me! People have expected things from me my whole life. I can’t just do whatever I want, whenever I want like you do! I’m realistic, Kiara. I live in the real world. I don’t live with my head in the clouds, thinking I can ‘save the world.’” Kiara’s eyes focus sharply on the air quotes Rafe uses to punctuate his words, her chest heaving with anger. “I focus on what’s in front of me. I don’t waste my time chasing fantasies.”

“Chasing fantasies? Of trying to make the world a better place? Spoken like a true Kook. Do you know how out of touch you sound, Rafe?”

“Do you know how out of touch YOU sound, Kiara?” They’re yelling now, but Rafe can’t lower his voice, even as the sound of it makes him wince. He can’t dam the words pouring out of his mouth, even though he wants to stop the flood. “Miss poor little rich girl? And you wonder why I was hesitant to tell my friends about you, the self-hating Kook. At least my friends have the decency to embrace their privilege instead of pretending they don’t have it.” Kiara doesn’t even try to disguise the hurt on her face now, and Rafe falters slightly at the vulnerability in her stare.

“I’m not pretending about anything, Rafe. I just don’t give a shit about all the dumb, wasteful things that Kooks care about. I actually care about other people besides myself.” Rafe opens his mouth to argue, to point out all the times that he’s proven her wrong, but Kiara cuts him off before he can speak. “Do you know what Pope said to me today, Rafe? He told me he hoped it was worth it, pushing everyone away. And now I have my answer. I neglected the people that actually care about me for someone with no values.”

Rafe points a shaky finger at Kiara, his eyes narrowing at the mention of Pope. “Don’t blame me for the shitty way you’ve treated your friends, Kiara. None of my friends are complaining.”

“And which friends are these? The bullies? Or the rapists?” The bottom of Rafe’s stomach drops out, and his whole body floods with heat. “Or the ones that don’t know I exist? Oh wait, that’s all of them!” Kiara raises her arms and turns in a circle, gesturing around sarcastically. 

“Don’t be a hypocrite, Kiara. You didn’t want to tell your friends either. You never admitted it, but I knew it was because you were ashamed of me. How the fuck do you think that made me feel? After the way I’ve been treated my whole life?” Now tears are pooling in Rafe’s eyes, and he can barely see Kiara’s blurry figure as she snatches her things and heads for the door.

“I wasn’t ashamed of you, Rafe. I was ashamed of myself, for ever falling for someone like you.” Rafe sucks in a sharp breath as the first tears start to fall down his face, but Kiara isn’t looking at him anymore. She’s already halfway out the door. “You’re a coward, Rafe. A selfish, heartless coward. Stay the fuck away from me.” And then she’s gone, taking all the air and light out of the room with her. Rafe slumps onto the floor of his dark bedroom, struggling to breathe.

———————————————————————

If a relationship crumbles between two people, but no one else knew about it, did it even actually exist? Kiara turns this question over in her mind repeatedly as she rambles along the dark quad, cheap bottle of wine in hand. The clear March night is chilly, so there’s hardly anyone else out and about as she walks. Kiara takes a swig out of the bottle as she fishes her phone out of her jacket pocket. She unlocks the phone and stares at the screen for a while, contemplating calling her parents, maybe even Pope or Sarah. Eventually she laughs at herself and tucks the phone away. What’s the point? Her parents won’t pick up, and what would she say to Pope? Hey, sorry about earlier, but we’re all good. There’s nothing left for me to hide anymore.

Kiara feels pain shoot through her chest at this thought, so viscerally that it almost makes her sick. Kiara’s realizing that knowing something is going to happen and actually experiencing it happen are two very different things. Kiara always knew this thing with Rafe was headed for disaster, but she let herself stay on the runaway train. She overestimated how much pain she could take. She’s been so, so stupid. Her anger at herself is the only thing keeping the tears at bay; she doesn’t feel like she deserves to let them fall. Kiara thinks about the way Rafe had made her feel just a few short hours ago, like her heart was splitting open to make room for him in it. But it turns out that the fault lines that formed to let in this love, now just make it easier for her heart to break. Alcohol can’t put it back together, but it can numb the pain.

As Kiara brings the bottle to her lips for another swig, her phone buzzes in her pocket. She fishes it out with a sigh; her phone has brought her nothing but trouble lately, it seems, but she squints at the messages anyway. They’re in the Conservation Club group chat, the one that’s being used to coordinate the benefit for the sea turtle conservancy.

Delina D.: A month until the benefit, can you believe it? I’m freaking out. 

Becca S.: I know. We really have to buckle down on the planning

Kiara pauses with the bottle pressed to her mouth, suddenly deep in thought. As she nears her dorm, she sinks onto a nearby bench, the seed of an idea forming in her head. Tomorrow, she eventually decides, tomorrow she’ll lock in. Tomorrow she’ll start contributing to the cause in earnest, to make up for lost time. But tonight, she thinks as wine sloshes down her throat, tonight she’ll drink.

———————————————————————

Rafe’s father, Ward, hasn’t talked to him since Christmas, but of course he calls Rafe to tell him that he’ll be at the exhibition game that’s coming up in a few days, the one that’s scheduled during spring break. The call comes shortly after lacrosse practice, when Rafe is freshly showered and staring at his phone in silence. It’s become a ritual over the past few days; Rafe feels like all he does since his fight with Kiara is go to lacrosse and contemplate apologizing as he stares at his phone. He contemplates and contemplates, but he never actually picks up the phone. Why can’t he just say he’s sorry?

Part of the reason is talking on the other end of the phone right now, telling Rafe how excited he is to watch the game between UNC and NC State, how proud he is that Rafe is a starting midfielder on the team for the second year in a row. Rafe acknowledges the praise but doesn’t let it penetrate deeper than surface level. His dad is only ever proud when it comes to lacrosse or the frat. All Rafe can really think about is the look of heartbreak on Kiara’s face a few nights ago, the look he was responsible for. His attention is finally grabbed, however, when his dad starts talking about DKE.

“Nasty business with the frat, by the way. Best to stay out of it. That’s what I did whenever things like that came up.”

Rafe blinks in surprise. “Things like this happened when you were in DKE?”

“Oh, yeah. But they always blew over in time. Just keep your nose down and don’t get involved.” This advice is the opposite of comforting for Rafe. He feels acute nausea as he thinks about the same things happening decades ago, about multiple Bryces at every point in history. Do we never learn anything? Are we always just repeating history?

“Right.” Rafe can only cough up this one word in response, but his dad doesn’t seem to notice. 

“I have to go, son. I’ll see my star player on the field, alright?”

Ward hangs up before Rafe has a chance to utter a goodbye. He glances at the time and pushes up from his bed with a sigh, reluctantly getting dressed before heading out to meet Sarah for dinner. They try to do this weekly now, and Rafe doesn’t want to sacrifice their consistency just because he feels like shit. But that also doesn’t make him the best company tonight. They eat dinner at a restaurant near campus, wanting a break from the grim on-campus food, and Rafe attempts to be present as they chat. He listens as Sarah talks about her classes, as she shyly skirts around her new relationship with John B (Rafe pretends not to know about this from Kiara), as she talks about her plans for spring break. But every time Sarah looks at him expectantly to respond, Rafe can barely conjure up more than a sentence. He can’t get out of his head long enough to really engage with her.

Finally, Sarah wipes her mouth with a napkin and looks at Rafe with a laugh. “Rafe, you seem miserable. We can call it a night if you want to leave.” She signals the waiter for the check, and Rafe feels a stab of guilt. 

“I’m sorry, Sar, it’s not that I don’t want to be here. I’m just really tired.” He places one hand over Sarah’s, trying to convince her of his sincerity.

Sarah accepts his explanation with a nod. “Lacrosse?”

Rafe wishes it was lacrosse. He clears his throat before responding. “Something like that. Speaking of, are you coming to the exhibition game? It won’t hurt my feelings if you’re not. I only ask because dad’s going.”

“I think we are, but I’ll have to check. We bought the tickets a long time ago. Me, John B….” Sarah hesitates for a moment, and Rafe’s heartbeat picks up. “…JJ, Kie.”

Before he can stop himself, the question is already leaving Rafe’s mouth. “Have you heard from her lately?”

Sarah seems surprised. “Kie? Not really. She’s uh….its complicated.” She looks down at her plate, biting her lip to keep her from saying more. 

“Can you reach out to her? Make sure she’s okay? I think she probably needs her friends right now.” Rafe knows he’s saying too much, but fuck it. What does he have to lose at this point?

Sarah regards him suspiciously, her eyes narrowed and eyebrows raised. “And how would you know that, Rafe?” He says nothing in response, poking at his plate with his fork instead. “What the hell is going on with you two?”

“Just check on her, okay?” Rafe snaps, meeting Sarah’s suspicious gaze with his own exasperated one.

“Alright, dude. Whatever you say,” Sarah replies begrudgingly, but Rafe swears that she’s almost smiling.

Rafe pictures himself picking up the phone and calling Kiara himself, before quickly pushing the image away. A selfish, heartless coward. Kiara’s words echo in Rafe’s head as he finishes his meal with Sarah, and he feels the truth of them in his bones. He hopes Sarah reaches out to Kiara as soon as they’re done here. It’s not enough, but it’s something. Rafe can’t help but wonder if she’ll still come to the game despite everything, if the magnetic pull between them will be too much for her to ignore, even now. He selfishly hopes for a glimpse of her, even if she won’t meet his gaze. 

———————————————————————

If she hadn’t spent money on this ticket, Kiara wouldn’t be sitting in these bleachers right now. Although her family has money, she was taught by her dad to respect the value of a dollar, so she refuses to waste her money. Even as she can’t think of a place she would rather be less; she’s sitting next to JJ, his body stiff as a board, watching Rafe warm up for an exhibition lacrosse game. What had possessed her to spend actual money on this ticket, anyway? Kiara pushes down flashes of Rafe’s soft lips, his blue eyes sparkling in golden hour light, his hands running over her skin as he sheepishly told her she should come to this game if she wanted to. She did this for charity, she tells herself firmly. It’s for a good cause. No, she does not know exactly which charity the money is going to, but she’s sure it’s a good one. 

JJ sits to the left of Kiara, staring at nothing, pointedly avoiding eye contact. Kiara knows she needs to fix that at some point, but she puts it off for now. She’s barely eaten anything today, barely eaten anything for several days, for that matter, and she’s not in the mood to put up with JJ’s attitude. John B sits to Kiara’s right, occasionally leaning over to say something to her, but he’s mostly sitting in nervous silence with his hands clasped together. His nervousness is due to the fact that Ward is sitting to Sarah’s right, just one seat away from him, and John B has no idea how to act. 

“Relax, John B,” Kiara leans over and whispers, right as the announcer starts to call out UNC player names as they run out onto the field. “It’s just Ward. He’s not the president. Try to chill out.”

“He’s basically the president of Kildare,” John B hisses back, and Kiara doesn’t have a response to that. He’s not exactly wrong.

“And put your hands together for Number 11, a starting midfielder for the second consecutive year, it’s Rafe Cameron!!” The announcer’s voice booms over their heads, causing Kiara’s heart to leap into her throat. She squints down at the field in spite of herself, trying to track Rafe’s movement as he jogs onto the field. It’s an unseasonably warm March day, and Kiara has to shield her eyes against the sun to see him properly. Ward and Sarah are cheering loudly to Kiara’s right, and she finds herself clapping along until she sees JJ glaring at her from the corner of her eye. Kiara winces internally. Why is JJ even here?

She turns her focus back to the field, and her eyes track Rafe as he runs gracefully into position on the right side of the field. The home team is wearing their signature uniforms today, and the light blue shorts and jersey complement Rafe’s tanned skin. Kiara watches his strong calf muscles ripple as he jogs into place, and she notices the way his forearms flex as he holds his lacrosse stick in both arms. She’s never seen him decked out in his gear before, never seen him play lacrosse at all, actually, and she hates the traitorous heat that flashes through her body at the sight. It seems that her body has trouble differentiating between anger and desire. Rafe’s head tilts up towards the crowd at the sound of cheering, and he gives a small wave. Kiara wonders briefly if he saw her; if he did, would he be happy she was here, or would it fill his stomach with dread? She shakes off the thought as she settles back into her seat and tries to empty her mind. Charity, she’s here for charity. Not Rafe. 

As the first 15 minute quarter begins, Kiara hears snippets of the conversation between Ward, Sarah, and John B. Apparently Rafe is a particularly aggressive midfielder (of course he is, Kiara thinks to herself), meaning that he’s able to roam the entire playing area but he mostly lingers around the other team’s goal, since he’s known for his offensive capabilities and his prolific scoring. Kiara knows next to nothing about lacrosse, so she was afraid coming into this that she’d be bored to tears. But the game is fast-paced and high scoring, and she finds herself leaning over to ask John B clarifying questions with increasing frequency. She would ask JJ too, but he’s not exactly giving off the most welcoming vibes at the moment, is he?

Kiara finds herself admiring the talent and physicality of each player as they deftly handle the ball or keep the opposite team at bay with their lacrosse sticks braced in front of them. But mostly she keeps her eyes on Rafe. She watches in silent admiration as he whips the ball to his teammates or fights his way to the opposing team’s net to score. He scores three times in the first quarter alone, is on his way to do the same in the second quarter, and some irrational part of Kiara suspects that he’s doing it for her. Because he knows she’s here, that she’s watching. Kiara can practically feel JJ seething beside her, but she can’t find it in herself to care at the moment. She feels a pang of disappointment every time Rafe jogs off the field to take a break, even though it’s never for more than a few minutes. Rafe’s so precise in his movements, so fluid and graceful, that watching him feels almost like witnessing poetry in motion. He moves like a dancer, engaged in a violent form of ballet. Rafe’s never looked more beautiful, and something deep inside Kiara aches as she remembers she’s supposed to be mad at him. How can one person be capable of such beauty but inflict so much pain?

“Are you all right, Kie? You’re looking a little pale.” John B’s voice pulls Kiara’s attention away from the game, and it’s only then does she realize that she is feeling a bit sweaty and lightheaded. She can feel JJ looking at her for the first time since the game started. 

“Yeah, I think I’m just tired from staying up late so many nights in a row. This benefit is stressing me out. I probably just need some water.” Kiara’s glances at the scoreboard as the players jog off the field, noting that NC State is up 11-9 at the half.

“Well this quarter just ended, and there’s a 10 minute halftime now. Do you want me to come with you to get some water?” Kiara smiles weakly at the concern evident on his face. At least John B still cares about me, she thinks to herself. 

“No, I’m good, but thanks dude. Does anyone else need anything?” She looks around at everyone, even Ward and JJ, before making her way out of their row after everyone says they’re good. JJ still just stares at her, the expression on his face unreadable. “Okay, I’ll be back,” Kiara calls as she walks unsteadily down the stairs. She really should get some food and water into her body. Kiara makes her way behind the bleachers to the concession stand. While she stands in line, she stares absently at the field. She watches as players dart on and off the field, gathering equipment or heading to the big water cooler. Her heart speeds up when she thinks she sees Rafe dart into her line of sight, and she cranes her neck to get a better look at him over the fence.

Kiara jumps when an unexpected voice speaks from behind her. “He’s not even that good, you know.” Kiara whips around and finds JJ standing a few feet behind her, his arms folded over his chest. He must have followed her down here.

“Jesus, Jayj, you scared me.” Kiara’s hand is pressed to her chest over her rapidly beating heart. “Who’s not what?”

JJ gestures at the place where Kiara was staring, even though Rafe is out of sight now. “Rafe. He’s not that good.” Kiara can hear the jealousy and insecurity in JJ’s voice, and she almost starts to argue with him. From what she’s seen heard at this game, Rafe’s actually very good. But she wants to make things better with JJ, not push him even further away, so she chooses a more political answer.

“Beats me. I’m just here for charity.” Kiara shrugs nonchalantly. “I don’t know anything about lacrosse….although, I don’t think you do either,” she can’t help but add with a teasing smile. She watches as JJ’s face softens slightly. “Touché.”

Kiara takes a hesitant step forward, running one hand through her curly hair. “J, can we talk?” She takes a deep breath as JJ looks down at the ground. “I hate the way we left things, and Pope’s not even talking to me right n-“

“I know about you and Rafe, Kie.” When JJ lifts his head from the ground, his blue eyes bore into her with a look of betrayal.

“Sorry?” Kiara swallows harshly, trying to stay calm even as her stomach sinks.

“I know about you and Rafe. I saw you together, the night of your birthday party. Outside your room.” JJ grimaces like the words are painful to say out loud. Oh shit, Kiara thinks. Of course he did. All of JJ’s behavior since that night starts to make more sense, and Kiara shuts her eyes briefly so she doesn’t have to face the judgment in JJ’s stare. When she opens them again, JJ is still looking at her, and the disappointment is vividly clear on his face. “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell anyone else. But I know.”

“You should have told me,” Kiara responds softly, staring down at her feet. 

“You should have told me! You should have told us.” JJ raises his voice, but he doesn’t sound angry. He just sounds hurt, which is so much worse. “We’re your best friends, Kie. Aren’t we?”

“Of course,” Kiara insists, fighting against the tears building in her eyes. “I just…didn’t know how to explain.” 

“That’s because he’s a Kook, Kie. He’s not a good guy. And I think deep down you always knew that.” As Kiara struggles to meet JJ’s intense stare, his light blue eyes burning with outrage, she can’t believe that she has to suppress the urge to defend Rafe, even now. JJ looks at her like he can tell she’s feeling conflicted, like he’s daring her to contradict him. Kiara takes a deep breath and shoves down the urge to argue on behalf of someone who doesn’t deserve it.

“It doesn’t matter anymore, JJ,” she says softly, her voice almost a whisper. “It’s done. It’s over, okay?” Kiara hopes JJ can’t hear the sadness in her voice, knowing he’ll despise it as much as she does.

JJ hesitates before responding, fiddling with the hat in his hands. “You sure about that?” Kiara is taken aback by the accusation. What is that supposed to mean? “You know, Kie, the whole reason I came today was to apologize for acting like a dick the last time I saw you. I know I was out of line.” JJ looks away for a moment and clenches his jaw, like he’s fighting against the words about to come out of his mouth. “But the way you’ve been looking at him today…” JJ shakes his head, and Kiara hates herself as she watches tears fill his expressive eyes. JJ never could hide how he was feeling. “I’m going to get some air. Tell John B and Sarah I said I’ll be back soon.” And with that JJ shoves his hat back on his head and wheels around, heading towards the heart of campus. Kiara almost runs after him, but ultimately thinks better of it. He’s not going to want to talk to her in this state. She hears cheers erupt from the bleachers as the second half of the game starts, and she walks back to the group in a daze, all thoughts of food or water forgotten.

“No water?” John B asks with mild concern as she rejoins them.

“They were taking too long. I’ll just get some after,” Kiara lies, watching as John B glances over to where JJ should be seated. “JJ wanted me to tell you he’s just taking a walk. He’ll be back in a bit,” Kiara explains, trying to sound nonchalant. John B shrugs and turns away, but Kiara feels Sarah’s eyes linger for a moment longer. Kiara avoids her gaze, wondering if Sarah suspects what JJ already knows. Sarah checked up on her a few times this past week, had basically forced her to come to this game today, but now she’s barely acknowledging her existence. Kiara wonders how much Pope has told her about their falling out, how much he’s told the rest of the group. She hasn’t spoken to Pope since their big blow out, and she’s only talked to Cleo about Conservation Club stuff since the fight. JJ’s currently roaming campus just to avoid having to look at her. John B is currently the only one acting somewhat normal, but who knows how long that will last?

The little red and light blue bodies on the field start to blur as Kiara descends into an anxious spiral. She can’t believe how badly she’s screwed everything up. Two of her lifelong best friends aren’t speaking to her, and the new friends she’s made this year probably think she’s selfish and flaky. She’s been fucking one of her best friends despite repeated acknowledgments that it’s a bad idea, and she’s been sleeping with another one of her best friends’ brother. The brother that’s been historically shitty to her entire friend group and has the backbone of a slug, no less. The brother that she can’t stop looking at, can’t stop thinking about, even as she boils with rage over what he’s done. What is wrong with her? Is she actively trying to ruin her own life? Kiara is only pulled out of her thoughts by a chorus of loud boos coming from the crowd. Kiara shakes her head and realizes there’s only 2 minutes left in the game. UNC is down 18-17, and the crowd is tense.

“What’s going on?” She leans over to John B and asks, watching as Sarah and Ward cup their hands around their mouths to boo even louder.

“The coach is trying to pull Rafe out because he already has 4 personal fouls against the other team. One more and he’s disqualified for the rest of the of the game. But they need him to score right now.” It seems like Rafe eventually wins the argument with his coach, because a few moments later he jogs back onto the field to thunderous applause, pulling his mask back over his sweat-drenched face as he goes. Kiara watches nervously as Rafe darts back and forth across the field, lithely dodging the other team’s defenders. He moves with improbable speed as he scoops the ball up after a teammate’s failed shot attempt and hammers it into the net past the opposing team’s goalie. It’s a tie game now, score 18-18, with only 50 seconds left. The whole crowd is on their feet now, their cheers shaking the bleachers, and Kiara joins them as she watches anxiously. Her eyes follow Rafe’s lean form as he defends against the other team with precision, body checking an attack player and forcing the ball loose. The crowd goes wild as Rafe retrieves the ball from the ground once again, and he runs with purpose across the field as the seconds inch closer to zero. Kiara doesn’t know much about lacrosse, but she can tell that he’s never going to make the shot - he’s too heavily defended. 

“SHOOT IT, RAFE!!” Kiara’s attention is drawn to the voice coming from a few rows in front of her, and she can’t stop her eyes from rolling when she sees who it is. Of course Sofia is here, and of course she’d be encouraging Rafe to shoot the ball, even though he’s bound to miss. Kiara glances back at the field and notices a small, hesitant player approach the goal from midfield, off to Rafe’s left. She thinks she remembers the announcer saying he’s a freshman, maybe a sophomore, but either way the other team doesn’t seem to view him as a threat. He stands awkwardly off to the side, unguarded, with a clear path to the goal laid out in front of him.

You’ve already had your glory for today, Rafe, Kiara sends the thought his way. Pass the ball. She grimaces as Rafe pulls back his arm and prepares to shoot the ball, his toned forearms rippling with the effort. At the last second, Rafe turns slightly to his left and whips the ball in the direction of the poor freshman, who luckily seems like he’s somehow prepared for this unlikely scenario. The accuracy and speed of Rafe’s pass gives the other team no time to respond. As the final 3 seconds tick down on the clock, the little freshman takes two quick steps towards the goal and shoots the ball. There’s a moment of stunned silence as the ball flies past the goalie and strikes the back of the net with a soft whoosh, and then the crowd erupts into cheers. Kiara can’t help but smile as John B throws an arm around her with a whoop, and she laughs softly as she watches the lacrosse team hoist both the little freshman and Rafe onto their shoulders. The spectators pour onto the field from the bleachers, running towards the game’s two heroes, and Kiara lets herself flow with the crowd of people, even as it brings her closer to Rafe. Her mind feels slightly hazy as the sun beats down from above, and the things that happen in quick succession seem to take a lifetime for Kiara.

She watches from about 10 feet away as Ward and Sarah run up to Rafe, hugging him and clapping him on the back when his teammates finally set him on the ground. Rafe pulls his helmet off and wipes his forehead with the back of his arm, and Kiara can’t help but admire the flush on his cheeks and the shy smile as he takes in all the admiration he’s receiving from the crowd. Kiara watches as Ward leans in and starts to say something in Rafe’s ear, only to be distracted by a phone call that he steps away to take. Rafe watches him walk away with a look of disappointment on his face, but he’s brought back to the chaos around him when Sofia throws her arms around him and pulls him in for a kiss. Kiara watches numbly as his teammates hoot and holler around him, even as Rafe pushes Sofia away with firm hands.

“Oh hell no,” Kiara hears from behind her, and then JJ is barreling towards Rafe. Rafe blinks in surprise as JJ storms towards him, and the crowd unconsciously parts way for this madman, who’s clearly on a warpath. “You piece of SHIT!” JJ shouts when he finally reaches Rafe, taking a swing at his head that Rafe sidesteps easily. Kiara’s feet carry her towards the commotion before she can even think about it, and she watches Rafe’s face twist with confusion as he dodges JJ’s first swing. But something darkens in Rafe’s expression as he realizes who just swung at him, and after he dodges JJ’s second punch he retaliates with a sharp jab to JJ’s jaw. Rafe’s fist makes solid contact, and JJ stumbles back while clutching his face, his eyes alight with rage. Rafe’s hands rise up in a defensive posture, and Kiara knows that they’re going to keep fighting unless she does something.

“Cut it out! Don’t do this!” Kiara yells desperately, even as she’s still several feet away. Rafe’s eyes shoot up and scan the crowd at the sound of Kiara’s voice, and his hands fall to his sides as the two of them lock eyes. He stares at her even as JJ moves closer, and he doesn’t even flinch as JJ’s closed fist makes contact with the side of his mouth. Kiara watches as Rafe closes his eyes and nods almost imperceptibly right before the blow lands, like he’s accepting his fate. Rafe’s head snaps painfully to the side as he accepts this first blow, but he does nothing to defend himself. When Rafe faces JJ again, his eyes are devoid of any anger. He just looks sad, almost contrite. Almost like he thinks he deserves whatever JJ is about to do to him. The sight makes Kiara feel like she’s going to throw up.

“Fight back, coward!” JJ yells at him, his voice barely recognizable to Kiara. He swings wildly again, drawing blood from Rafe’s nose at the impact, before shoving the older boy roughly to the ground. Kiara feels real panic as JJ raises his fist again, and she tries in vain to run up to them. There’s too many bodies in the way.

“JJ, stop! Get off of him!!” Kiara’s voice is thick with emotion as she shouts at JJ, and the words come out hoarse and desperate. She tries again to run up to where they’re tangled on the ground, but the crowd holds her back. Sarah is screaming something unintelligible next to her when John B seems to finally come unstuck from behind them. Kiara’s vision starts to blur around the edges as John B runs up and tries to pry JJ off of Rafe, and a ringing starts to build loudly in her ears, drowning out the panicked yells of the crowd around them. The last clear thing she can recall as the world starts to fade to black are Rafe’s piercing blue eyes looking her way, their color even more vivid against the smattering of bright red blood on his face. Then Kiara perceives nothing at all as she collapses onto the ground and is consumed by total darkness.

Chapter Text

“Kie! Kie!” Rafe screams from under JJ, watching with horror as she wobbles slightly before crumpling to the ground. Yelling is made slightly more difficult due to his newly busted lip, but it doesn’t stop Rafe from calling out to her anyway. Kiara’s fainting spell came on so suddenly that no one was able to cushion her fall, but Sarah is kneeling on the ground with the unconscious Kiara’s head in her lap now, her eyes wide and fearful.

“Rafe! Dad!!” Sarah’s desperate call finally snaps JJ out of his bloodthirsty haze, and his head whips back in Sarah’s direction. Rafe struggles to free himself from JJ’s grasp, and he’s finally able to extract himself and get to his feet with John B’s help. He rushes towards Kiara’s limp figure, but JJ grabs his arm and hauls him backwards, trying to keep Rafe from pushing through the crowd to reach her. Anger flares up in Rafe, stronger than it was at any point when JJ was throwing punches, but it pales in comparison to the visceral fear he feels for Kiara as she lies motionless on the ground. Compared to that, JJ is no more than a pesky fly buzzing in his face.

“Get off me, man!” He yanks his arm out of JJ’s grip, and they both run up to the spot where Kiara collapsed at full speed. Rafe is uncommonly relieved to see his father kneeling next to Sarah now; Ward must have finished his call and rushed back when he heard yelling. 

“Is she okay?” Sarah’s wide brown eyes are trained on Ward, looking to her dad for reassurance. His hand is pressed to Kiara’s forehead as tries to answer his daughter’s question. 

“Her skin is really cold, but she’s sweating. I think it’s probably heat exhaustion or something similar.” This assessment almost makes Rafe chuckle. What does Ward think he is, a doctor?

“Heat exhaustion? But it’s March!” JJ exclaims, fidgeting nervously with his hat as he tucks his hair behind his ears. Rafe can tell he doesn’t know what to do with his hands.

“She did say she was dehydrated. She looked really weak during the game,” John B adds. “Maybe that’s part of it.” Ward nods slowly as he takes in this information, before looking up at the group of young people apologetically. 

“Look, I called an ambulance, but I really have to take off. There’s some pressing matters for work that can’t wait.” Rafe has to suppress the urge to roll his eyes at his father. How incredibly typical.

“Dad, are you serious?” Sarah stares at Ward incredulously, her hands shaking as she brushes her friend’s sweaty hair off her forehead.

“It’s fine, Sarah. We can handle it from here.” Rafe’s words come out cool and detached as he stares down at Ward. The sooner that Sarah learns she can’t rely on their father, the better. Ward doesn’t seem to notice his tone or the look in his eyes, because he stands up and claps Rafe on the shoulder appreciatively.

“Good man.” He glances over at Rafe for the first time and does a double take. “What the hell happened to you? Why is your face bleeding?” Before Rafe can respond, the sound of sirens splits the air as an ambulance rounds the corner onto their street. “Here’s that ambulance now. Maybe have them take a look at you.” Rafe ignores the daggers in JJ’s gaze as he kneels beside Kiara, gently taking one of her limp, clammy hands in his and squeezing tightly. Did her fingers twitch, or was it just his imagination?

“You’re going to be fine, alright Kie? Help is here,” Rafe whispers, and he swears that her eyelids flutter slightly at the sound of his voice.

“How touching,” JJ deadpans, watching as the ambulance backs towards them and the crew hops out. As the EMTs gently move Kiara onto a stretcher and into the ambulance, Rafe watches with exasperation as the Pogues give a scrambled and borderline incoherent summary of the conditions that led to Kiara fainting. The lead EMT, a short Latina woman in her mid 30s, watches them with an expression of bemusement spreading across her face. Eventually, Rafe steps in and clears his throat, and the three Pogues as well as the lead EMT stare at him.

“My dad thinks it was probably heat exhaustion. She’s dehydrated, we think,” Rafe explains simply.

“Thank you,” the lead EMT says with a knowing smile. “That’s helpful.”

“That’s basically what we said,” JJ grumbles, shooting Rafe a dirty look.

“We’ll just take her to N.C. Memorial Hospital, it’s only about 10 minutes away,” the EMT continues. “Would any of you like to join? We can take up to 3 people.” Sarah, John B, and JJ give each other loaded looks, before hesitantly turn back to Rafe. He knows what they’re going to say before it even comes out of their mouths.

“C’mon guys, I’m the only real adult here!” Rafe throws his hands up in frustration, but he already knows it’s a battle he’s going to lose.

“I’ll call and let you know how she is,” Sarah says apologetically, as the three of them follow the EMT towards the ambulance. Rafe takes a half-step forward with them, selfishly wanting to get a final glimpse of Kiara, but mostly wanting her to know that he’s here for her, that he’s not staying behind because he wants to.

“I’ll come see you later, Kie, okay? I’m coming!” He calls into the ambulance, trying to ignore the confused stares he gets from John B and Sarah. 

“Don’t wait up,” JJ says with a smug grin. “And Rafe? You might want to get that lip checked out.” The ambulance doors shut before Rafe can react, and he stares at the retreating vehicle with his hands on his hips and his nostrils flared. 

The nerve of that fucking guy.

———————————————————————

Kiara thinks she remembers flashes of time while she was unconscious, but some of the memories might just be wishful thinking. She recalls Ward’s voice swimming out of the emptiness, shortly followed by Rafe and JJ’s voices tangling together. She thinks she remembers the gentle touch of Rafe’s fingertips on her skin (a candidate for one of the sensations her brain made up), paired confusingly with the harsh sound of JJ’s sarcastic voice. Kiara remembers beeps and rattling coming from the inside of a vehicle, and the harsh flash of fluorescent lights as they rolled rapidly overhead. She recalls the kind face of a stranger leaning over her, telling her to go back to sleep. So she did. 

And then some time later, Kiara is emerging from the darkness and shaking the fogginess from her vision for good. When her vision sharpens, the first thing she sees are three worried sets of eyes trained on her. Sarah is sitting on the hospital bed to her left, with one hand resting lightly on Kiara’s arm. John B is leaning forward anxiously in one of the room’s two plastic chairs, and JJ is sitting with the other flipped around, resting his chin on the back of it as he watches Kiara with concern. They look at her expectantly as she finally comes to and adjusts to the harsh hospital lighting with a series of rapid blinks.

“Oh, hey y’all,” Kiara squeaks out the words through her painfully dry throat. “What’s up?”

“What’s up??” Sarah asks incredulously. “You fainted and hit your head on the way down, that’s what’s up.” She frowns at Kiara like a disappointed teacher, acting like Kiara wanted to pass out, or something.

“They said you’re going to be alright. You sure know how to get a guy’s attention, though,” JJ adds teasingly.

“What happened?” Kiara asks hoarsely, and Sarah hands her a bottle of water while John B summarizes what the doctors said.

“Just some minor heat exhaustion, plus you’re dehydrated and have super low blood sugar, they said. They want to keep you here overnight to rehydrate you and make sure you don’t have a concussion or anything before sending you home, though.”

“You should have let me die,” Kiara moans, weakly pressing a pillow over her face. “My parents are going to kill me anyway for this hospital bill.” Sarah snatches the pillow from her with a laugh.

“Nah, don’t worry. They probably got that good good Kook insurance,” JJ reassures her, but for the first time Kiara can see that beneath his lighthearted exterior, he’s studying her with barely concealed worry on his face. They all are, and their undivided attention and concern raise a lump in her throat. She’s not used to having this many people worried about her, and she’s certainly not used to feeling this vulnerable and exposed in front of so many eyes. 

“Pope and Cleo are on the way,” Sarah adds when she notices Kiara glancing nervously around the room. “They should be here soon.” As soon as the words leave her mouth, the group hears a pair of shoes squeaking on the linoleum floor as they sprint down the hallway, and Kiara thinks she hears a familiar, stressed-sounding voice tell someone to hurry up.

“Speak of the devil,” JJ says with a grin as Pope comes skidding into the room, breathing like he just ran a marathon.

“Kie, thank god. We came as soon as we heard,” Pope says with a gasp, and Kiara suppresses a grin at her friend’s sincere but corny words, sounding like they were plucked straight from a bad movie script. “Although this one,” Pope pants, gesturing towards the door as Cleo strolls casually into view, “has no sense of urgency.”

“I just didn’t see the point of getting all sweaty and running past security like we were sneaking in. They gave us passes,” Cleo shrugs, holding up the pieces of paper while shooting Kiara a warm and playful grin. She always knows how to relax a room with her calm energy, and Kiara immediately feels more at ease. 

“You guys didn’t have to come,” Kiara says with a deep sigh as she tries to sit upright, feeling guilty. “Were you guys on a date, or something?”

“Not exactly,” Pope replies, looking down at his shoes with sudden interest. 

“We were visiting the state library in Raleigh so Pope could do more extensive research for one of his papers. Trust me, you saved me,” Cleo teases with a grin. “Plus, we definitely had to come. We miss everything.”

“Be glad you missed this. Kie scared the shit out of us,” John B says softly, as Cleo dips back into the hall to grab more chairs for the group.

Pope approaches Kiara’s bedside with his eyes downturned, looking distraught. He takes one of her hands gently in his own, and this weird behavior causes Kiara to stare at him in alarm. “I’m sorry Kie. It’s my fault you’re in here,” Pope says solemnly, eliciting a chorus of groans and chuckles from the group. 

“Shut up, Pope! It is not,” Kiara snatches her hand away and swats at him. 

“Typical Pope, always trying to make everything his fault,” John B chides lovingly.

“Knock it off, dude,” JJ adds with a laugh. “What are you even talking about? You were practically an hour’s bus ride away at the time.”

“No, you guys don’t get it. Kiara and I fought. And she was already stressed about classes and stuff.” Pope swallows harshly. “I shouldn’t have said the stuff I did. I’m sorry, Kie.”

Five sets of eyes focus on her as silence fills the room. Part of Kiara wishes it was just her and Pope in the room right now, but a larger part knows she needs to do this with everyone here. “No, I’m sorry.” Kiara tries to ignore the stares of all her friends as she addresses Pope. “It’s not your fault, Pope. Yeah, I was stressed about our fight…and my fight with JJ.” She watches as JJ clears his throat awkwardly and stares at the ground. “And my classes. And I’ve been grinding hard on the planning for this conservation club event and haven’t really been taking care of myself. But you were also right that day when we fought. There’s a lot more going on with me that you guys don’t know about. That I should have told you about a lot sooner.” Kiara laces her fingers together nervously.

“More than all that?” John B asks incredulously.

“Are we finally going to talk about you and Rafe?” Sarah pipes up from the foot of the bed, studying her nails nonchalantly. Kiara flushes red as she watches her friends turn and stare at Sarah, open-mouthed. 

“What?? I’m not an idiot. I can put two and two together,” Sarah says defensively, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Well I can’t, I’m definitely an idiot. I have no idea what’s going on,” John B adds, his brown eyes wide with confusion.

“What is she talking about?” Pope turns to look at Kiara with his eyebrows drawn together. 

Kiara opens her mouth to respond, not entirely sure what she’s going to say, but she’s saved by the timely arrival of her nurse, who pops her head into the room with an apologetic grimace. “Ms. Carrera, I’m sorry to interrupt, but I have your parents on the line. They said it would be really difficult for them to get away at the moment, but they can come if it’s absolutely necessary. Do you want to speak to them?”

Kiara experiences the briefest flash of disappointment, although there’s no reason to be surprised at this response from her parents. Why would she ever expect them to be here when she needs them? When has that ever been the case? Kiara shakes her head after a moment’s consideration. “Tell them I’m okay, and not to worry.” Then she turns away from the nurse and takes a long look at her real family. She sucks in a deep breath as she stares at their expectant faces, her heart swelling painfully with love for them. It might be selfish, but she’s happy that her dumb fainting spell brought them all together. She soaks in the love pouring from each of them, the care and attention they give so readily, and she knows she’s finally ready to let them in. She’s ready to release all these secrets from her heart and share some of the heavy burden. “I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty friend, you guys. But I’m going to be better. Starting now.”

“Do you want me to leave?” Cleo asks gently from a chair to the left of Kiara’s feet. “I don’t have to be here for this.”

“No, I want you to be here. I want all my best friends here.” Kiara briefly closes her eyes to keep the tears at bay, and when she opens them again she grips Sarah’s hand for support. “Well, I hope y’all are ready for storytime. I guess I should probably start with what actually happened on Halloween.”

———————————————————————

A few hours after Kiara finishes spilling everything to her friends, she’s resting in her room while Sarah, Cleo, and Pope run out to get rations for the group. John B and JJ are quietly playing cards in her room while Kiara dozes, tuckered out from all the talking.  The doctor also just finished concussion protocol shortly before her nap, and she thinks Kiara is in the clear. Now it’s just a matter of time before she’s rehydrated and ready to leave the hospital. 

But Rafe doesn’t know any of this. All he knows is that he’s been going crazy with worry for the past few hours, that he’s been replaying the image of Kiara crumpling to the ground in his mind so much that his hands won’t stop shaking with anxiety even now. But Rafe knows better than to come rushing to the hospital right away, figuring that the doctors need time to figure out what’s wrong with Kiara. He also hopes that if he waits, there’s a better chance JJ will cool off enough to not freak out about him visiting. So Rafe goes home first, takes a long, hot shower, changes out of his sweaty lacrosse uniform, and tries to clean up his slightly battered face. His lip is busted and his jaw is slightly bruised, making it hurt to open and close his mouth. But after stalling for a few hours, Rafe can’t resist the urge to visit Kiara anymore. 

He runs his fingers over his visitor’s pass nervously as he walks down the hall now, the smell of strong antiseptic and bleach assaulting his nostrils. He hopes that JJ is somehow not in the room, but if he is, he prays that Sarah is there to help mediate. But when he rounds the corner of the room, he sees that only John B and JJ are sitting by Kiara’s side. Rafe instinctively knows this isn’t going to go well. 

JJ is on his feet immediately, moving to intercept Rafe at the door. He blocks Rafe’s line of sight into the room, so no one sees the way that Kiara’s eyes flutter open briefly before she presses them shut again. “No way in hell, dude. What do you think you’re doing here?

“I just came to see Kiara, dude. You don’t get to tell me what I can or can’t do. Move out of the way.” Rafe lifts his hands and shoves JJ’s shoulders lightly, his lip stinging with the memory of JJ’s fist slamming into it earlier today.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” JJ hisses, trying to keep his voice low so they don’t disturb the sleeping Kiara.

“Rafe, man, let’s not make a scene here,” John B says, shuffling the two of them out into the hall and trying to be conciliatory. 

“You should be saying that to him!” Rafe insists, gesturing at JJ’s defensive posture. “He’s the one that punched me in the face unprovoked after the game! And he’s the one being unreasonable right now. You’re not Kiara’s fucking keeper, man.”

“And you’re not her boyfriend, asshole. And you call what I did unprovoked? Right,” JJ scoffs. “Just go away man. She’s asleep. And even if she was awake, she wouldn’t want you here. She told us everything.” He pins Rafe in place with his hostile and accusatory eyes, and Rafe feels dread creeping into his stomach. He finally drops his eyes to the ground, but not before he sees the snide look on JJ’s face.

Rafe runs a hand through his choppy hair, accepting defeat for now. He doesn’t want to wake Kiara, and he doesn’t have the energy to fight anymore. Especially not today. “Can you just…can you just tell her I stopped by?”

“Sure thing, dude,” JJ quips, clapping Rafe on the back and steering him away from the door. “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!” Rafe jerks away from JJ’s touch and walks, shoulders hunched in defeat, towards the hospital exit. Rafe knows that he might not deserve the chance, but he’s overwhelmed with the need to see Kiara as he passes through the hospital’s sliding doors. He wants to make sure she’s okay, to touch her for himself, and most importantly, he wants to let her know he still cares about her. He’s pissed off about JJ’s smug attitude, but deep down he can’t blame him for his protectiveness over Kiara. Especially if he knows everything. Rafe is briefly wracked by a flash of shame so intense that he has to sit down on a bench near the hospital.

He’s sitting hunched over with his head in his hands, trying to let the cool night air clear his mind, when a familiar voice yanks him out of his thoughts. “Yo Rafe, is that you?” Nausea creeps into Rafe’s throat and threatens to choke him as he looks up and realizes who’s standing in front of him.

“Yeah Bryce, it’s me.” Rafe hates the way it feels to forms Bryce’s name, so he spits out the word before it can leave a bad taste in his mouth. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m just leaving my internship at the hospital for the day. You know, I heard you got your ass beat earlier.” Bryce says cheerfully, his eyes glistening with mirth. Rafe guesses that Bryce hasn’t forgotten about Halloween night and the threats Rafe made towards him.

At the memory of Halloween, Rafe’s hands clench into tight fists and he rises from the bench to meet Bryce’s gaze. Rafe’s a few inches taller than the older boy, so he gazes down into his bright green eyes. “Can I help you, Bryce? Actually, let me rephrase. What can I do that will make you go away the quickest?”

DKE’s president is seemingly unfazed by the hostility radiating off of Rafe. “I just wanted to make sure I have your support, is all.”

“My support? For what, exactly?” Rafe lets the disdain he feels leak into his voice. He can’t think of a person he’d like to help out less than this guy.

“The disciplinary hearing that’s coming up. The ongoing investigation for the civil lawsuit, too.” For the first time during their short conversation Bryce looks a little chagrined, but Rafe knows it’s not because he’s actually sorry. Bryce just hates that he has to deal with the inconvenience of these accusations, that he’s forced to bear the scrutiny from his peers and the embarrassment that comes along with that attention. Rafe can tell that he’s not worried about having to face any consequences for his actions. 

“Why would I ever give you my support, fuckhead? Do you have memory loss? Do you think I don’t remember what happened on Halloween?”

“You don’t even know what you saw!”Bryce snaps, before glancing around and taking a shuddering breath to control his anger. “And why would you support me? Because it’s bad for DKE if you don’t. I know how much your daddy cares about this frat, Rafe. You wouldn’t want him to be heartbroken, would you? You don’t want us suspended for even longer, right? Or worse, banned.” Rafe twitches with anger at the mention of his father, but what he hates more than anything is that Bryce is right. Ward would be heartbroken if anything happened to DKE. The stupid frat is one of the only things his father acts like he cares about. Rafe glares at Bryce in heated silence as he continues talking. “We gotta stick together man. These girls, they’re always going to have something to say. Some complaint to make. And it’s my word against theirs, anyway.” Rafe gapes at Bryce, not even bothering to hide his disgust anymore. The other boy flashes one last slimy smirk before walking off towards the parking lot, whistling to himself as he goes.

Rafe stands frozen in place as he watches Bryce’s silhouette shrink in the distance. He’s not sure how long he stands motionless under the starless night sky, but in those few still moments, he feels like he’s gifted with a glimpse of his future if he were to stay on this same path, the path that helping Bryce would keep him on. He’d be popular, well-liked, and respected at home and at school. He’d make his dad proud in the ways that matter to Ward, and he wouldn’t alienate the people in these posh social circles he always finds himself in. But at what cost? To what end? What’s the point of clawing and scraping for other peoples’ respect if he doesn’t even respect himself? How is he supposed to live with himself if he’s admired by people he thinks are terrible and he’s despised by the people he respects? If the people he loves want nothing to do with him? Rafe realizes all at once what he needs to do, and he nearly sprints back to campus to get started. But before he heads to the house, he dips back into the hospital. There’s one more thing he needs to take care of here. 

———————————————————————

It’s early the next morning and Kiara is sitting quietly in bed, watching as JJ houses a breakfast sandwich in two bites. In only a few hours Kiara will be discharged from the hospital, and JJ is the only one in her room at the moment, having just rolled in with McDonald’s breakfast in hand for the both of them. They sit in companionable silence for a while as they eat, but after they finish Kiara can’t help but ask the question that was on her mind all night as she tossed and turned in bed. She sets down her small coffee on her bedside tray and looks at JJ with soft, supplicating eyes.

“So JJ, tell me. Were you or John B ever going to tell me that Rafe came to visit?” His eyes snap up to her face, and he pauses nervously mid-chew. It takes him a long second to force the food down his throat.

“How did you…” JJ starts, before recognizing the look on Kiara’s face. “You weren’t asleep.” JJ plays with his bracelets, avoiding eye contact. “I wasn’t planning on it,” he admits. “Didn’t want to risk upsetting you more after what you told us.”

“Is that really why?” Kiara’s searches his face intently, cautiously trying to coax the truth out of him.

“And I guess I was a little jealous, too,” JJ admits reluctantly. “I just wish we could go back to the way things were before, Kie. Before you came here. Before Rafe was in the picture.” JJ picks at a loose strand on his shorts, refusing to meet her gaze.

Kiara takes a deep breath. “Jayj….I think I should apologize. I’m sorry for being so shitty at communicating and for letting things go unaddressed for so long….with us.” She gestures between the two of them with a grimace. “But I don’t think things can go back to the way they were before. And I don’t think they should,” she adds as gently as possible.

Kiara sees hurt flit across JJ’s face. “Do you regret it? What we’ve been doin’?”

“No, no,” Kiara shakes her head emphatically, reaching for his hand. “I don’t regret it. You’re my best friend, JJ, the first person I’d call for anything. You’re funny, and you’re handsome, and everything is so comfortable with you. And you’re good at sex. You are,” she insists when JJ throws back his head with a laugh.

“Yeah, sure. You’re just saying that to make me feel better, Kie.” Only one corner of JJ’s mouth lifts in a sad smile, but it still brings out the ghost of a dimple on that side. Kiara’s heart aches at the sight.

“I’m not.” Kiara’s half-hearted smile fades as her tone grows more serious. “All of that is true. We’re best friends. We’re family. But we’re not….” Kie sighs in frustration, struggling to find the right words. “JJ, you know I love you. But we’re not…”

“In love.” JJ puts her out of her misery by finishes her sentence. He hesitates for several long moments, and the silence stretches taut between them. He snaps the tension by asking the last question Kiara ever expected to come out of his mouth. “Do you love Rafe?” JJ’s looking at her so intently after asking the shocking question that Kiara has to remind herself multiple times to breathe, like her lungs have become disconnected from her brain.

“It’s complicated with Rafe,” she tries to dodge the question as her mind reels. “I think it would be very stupid to fall in love with someone like him.” But her heart throbs longingly at the thought of him, and despite herself, she wishes that she could have gotten even a glimpse of him yesterday when he tried to visit. Could she be in love with Rafe? Would it even matter if she was, after everything that’s happened between them? What kind of sense would that make? But then again, it’s not exactly like the heart is known for its logic, is it?

“That’s not actually an answer,” JJ gruffly points out as she spirals about Rafe, like he can read her mind. 

“I don’t know,” Kiara answers honestly, reminding herself that she promised to be better. “I don’t know if I do. I just know I shouldn’t.”

“You’re too good for him, Kiara,” JJ mutters darkly, staring down at the crisp, off-white sheets stretched across her hospital bed. Kiara doesn’t like the dark cloud she can sense hanging over him, and she scrambles to think of a a way to dispel it so she can see the usual sunny JJ shining through again.

“Well, that’s tough. Who would be good enough?” She teases, trying to lighten the mood.

“John B? Pope?” Kiara notices how he deliberately doesn’t mention himself, already respecting the fact that a relationship between them is off the table, and her heart swells with affection for JJ. 

“Ew. I mean…no, ew,” Kiara doubles down with a giggle. “I love them, but you know that I kissed John B that one time and there was nothing there. And Pope really feels like my blood brother. That would basically be incest.” Kiara’s shudders at the thought. “Plus, they have their own things going on now. They’re happy.”

“I don’t like it, Kie,” JJ grumbles eventually, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. Kiara feels a brief flash of irritation, but she pushes it down before it can get the best of her. She knows he’s just being annoyingly protective because he cares about her. 

“I know, J. But this is something you have to let me figure out on my own. And no matter what, I’ll be okay. Because I have you guys.” As soon as the words leave her mouth, Kiara feels the truth of them. It might take her a while, but no matter what happens in her life, she knows she’ll be okay because of the chosen family that will support her every step of the way.

“Pogues for life?” JJ’s eyes are shining with devotion as they look at her, but it’s a more familiar kind now. An uncomplicated kind, like when they were kids growing up together. 

“Duh. For life.” Kiara’s holds her arms open and JJ leans in for a tender hug. She relishes the familiarity of his embrace after so much tension and weirdness between them for months. Maybe things can’t go back to the way they used to be, but maybe she doesn’t want them to. Maybe growing older means relationships can never stay the same, but when the foundation is friendship, maybe the relationships can grow  and evolve with you.

“Can I tell John B and Pope that you said ‘ew’ when I brought up being with them?” JJ asks lightly when he settles back into his seat, a devious twinkle growing in his eyes. 

“Absolutely not!!” Kiara gasps in mock outrage, throwing a pillow at his head. “That was told to you in confidence!”

“Pleeeease. It would give me so much joy to see the looks on their faces.” JJ clasps his hands together, but Kiara’s not budging. 

“Unless you want their girlfriends to jump both of us, I would suggest keeping that juicy bit of information to yourself.”

A few hours later, Kiara is gathering her things and preparing to head home. While JJ is using the bathroom down the hall, Kiara’s nurse from last night pops her head in one last time to check on her.

“You look good! Much more rested and refreshed,” she says with a kind smile. “By the way, I almost forgot to give you this before I went home. A young man dropped this off late last night and asked if I could give it to you. I’m really not supposed to, but he was so polite and handsome. And those blue eyes. I couldn’t say no.” The nurse blushes slightly before scampering away. Kiara unfolds the small note with shaky hands, her heart lurching at the familiar slanted handwriting. It’s messier than normal, like he was in a rush.

I bribed the nurse to get this to you. I just wanted to say that I’m glad you’re okay, Kie. And I know it probably doesn’t mean much at this point, but just know that I do have your back, partner. Rafe

“Idiot,” Kiara breathes out a soft sigh as she presses the note to her chest, right above her stupid, illogical heart. 

Chapter Text

There’s a gentle breeze rustling the leaves of the red maple trees on campus, and a group of Northern Cardinals are singing happily on this warm mid-April day. Not that Kiara can hear the birds singing or the wind in the trees, though. Pope is talking her ear off, asking endless questions about the meeting she just finished and badgering her about the preparedness of the lawyer she talked to. She’s touched that her friend is so worried about her, but Kiara can’t help but roll her eyes as Pope drones on and on about legal facts. 

“I’ve been doing a lot of reading and I’ve watched a handful of courtroom dramas, and I just think that they could do a better job preparing you, that’s all!” Pope insists, struggling to keep up as Kiara hurries along the quad, trying to make it to another appointment on time.

“Pope! I appreciate the concern, it’s very sweet. But watching Anatomy of a Fall doesn’t make you a law expert. I’m pretty sure this very qualified lawyer has it covered. I just finished my second three-hour prep session. I think I’m prepared,” Kiara insists, despite the anxiety gnawing at her about the fast-approaching court date. When she first got in contact with the girl named Mari and her lawyer, the one suing Bryce in civil court, Kiara never considered the possibility that she’d actually have to testify in court. She figured she would give a statement and that would be that. But the lawyer explained that it would be much more impactful if the jury heard her story directly from the source, and Kiara ultimately agreed to testify, even though the thought of telling so many people what happened with Bryce makes her feel sick to her stomach.

Pope persists, oblivious to Kiara’s eagerness to change the topic. “Did they explain your fifth amendment rights? Did they go over the strategies that the defense might use to cross-examine you? They really try to get inside your mind, you know. On this one episode of Law & Order they-“

Kiara cuts him off in an exasperated voice. “Okay, that’s it! You need a digital detox, sir. No more legal dramas. It’s going to be fine, Pope. Don’t worry.”

“Fine,” Pope says, somewhat sullenly to Kiara’s ears. “But I have notes, if you ever want to look at them.”

Kiara laughs at her friend’s earnestness. “Right. I’ll definitely let you know.” She pokes Pope in the ribs and makes him yelp.

“Evil! I gotta get to class,” Pope replies, trying to scamper away before she can poke him again. “I’ll catch up with you later?”

“Yeah, no worries. I gotta go and give a statement to the university about Bryce and the frat, anyway.” Kiara clears her throat nervously, trying to ignore the sympathetic look Pope gives her. She pokes him in the side again so he’ll stop with the sad eyes. “Seriously Pope, I’m going to text Cleo and tell her to keep you away from all electronic devices! No more Law and Order!”

“No promises!” Pope calls over his shoulder with an evil cackle.

———————————————————————

Rafe approaches the university’s administration building, feeling nervous. And then he’s angry at himself for feeling nervous. After all, what does he have to feel nervous about? He’s pulled out of his rumination by a familiar figure exiting the administration building, his eye drawn by the bright midday sun reflecting off her caramel curls. Kie. Rafe starts holding his breath without even realizing it. There’s a colorful headband holding her hair back, and her bright orange crop top compliments the warm undertones of her skin and hair. It’s been weeks since he’s seen her, maybe even approaching a month now, and Rafe’s heart skips several beats as she walks slowly down the steps in his direction. She hasn’t noticed him yet, too caught up in her own internal world, so Rafe opens his mouth and tries to work up the nerve to say hello.

Before he can call out to her, Rafe’s mouth snaps shut at the appearance of that guy from the club. The one from Kiara’s birthday. Kenny, wasn’t it? His heart drops into his stomach as he watches Kenny approach Kiara, chai latte in hand. The action seems comfortable, almost natural, like he’s done it many times. Rafe despises the look of relief on Kiara’s face when she spots Kenny walking towards her, hates the way she laughs when Kenny leans in close to whisper something in her ear as he hands her the latte. Rafe’s not sure if he wants to scream or cry at the sight of them together. Before he can do something humiliating like both cry and scream, Rafe turns sharply and starts to walk away from Kiara, even though he has an appointment in the building she’s standing in front of.

But he doesn’t make it far before a familiar voice is calling out to him, and Rafe is powerless against the magnetic force of it. He stops walking immediately to let Kiara catch up, like some switch in him has malfunctioned and his self-preservation instinct is switched off. “Rafe? Is that you?”

“Hey, Kie. I didn’t see you there.” Potentially the dumbest thing I could have said, Rafe scolds himself as he turns slowly to face her. Obviously he saw her; there’s barely anyone else around. 

“Didn’t I just see you do a 180 and start walking in the opposite direction after making eye contact with me?” Kiara’s mouth lifts in an amused smirk. Of course she wouldn’t just let him off easily. 

Rafe scratches at his head, feeling flustered and idiotic. “Yeah, uh, sorry. I didn’t want to disturb you. Or interrupt.” He gestures in the direction of Kenny, who’s waiting awkwardly on the steps of the building. He averts his eyes and pretends he wasn’t looking when Rafe glances in his direction. Kiara doesn’t say anything in response, but she also doesn’t seem in a hurry to leave. She just stands in front of Rafe, taking him in, like she’s waiting for something. Rafe knows this would be a good time to apologize, or simply to acknowledge some of the shit that’s gone down between them. He knows he should take some kind of responsibility for the disastrous fight that fractured their relationship, the fight that he caused with his own cowardice. But in the harsh light of day, with Kenny gazing at them from close by, the words sit heavily on Rafe’s tongue and weld his mouth shut. 

“So our bio professor told me you moved to a different section,” Rafe says after a long pause. He cringes internally at the lame attempt at conversation, the best he could come up with under her intense gaze. 

Kiara’s eyebrows raise ever so slightly as she responds. “Yeah, it worked better with my schedule. I’ve got a lot going on.” She smiles half-heartedly. “Did she stick another poor group with you?”

Rafe’s heart pounds painfully as a small sliver of hope sneaks into his chest. Is her teasing him a sign that things between them aren’t as broken as he thought? “Yeah, yeah, they weren’t happy about it. I’m making it through, but they aren’t as good of teachers as you, though.”

“Yeah, well. Not everyone is as patient as me.” Kiara’s small smile doesn’t touch her eyes, which bore into Rafe with quiet intensity. He swallows harshly as he thinks about all the things she’s had to be patient with him about. “What are you doing here, anyway?” Kiara continues, and Rafe glances at the building behind her without thinking. He feels instant regret as he watches her expression harden into something unreadable and heavily guarded.

“Ah, you’re giving a statement too. Of course. Gotta protect the frat, right?” There’s a cruel glint in Kiara’s eyes as she folds her arms over her chest, any tentative warmth now evaporated into the muggy spring air.

“Nah, it’s not like that,” Rafe starts to protest, but he can tell from the look on Kiara’s face that she’s not listening anymore. Arguing isn’t going to do him any good, at least not right now.

“Sure,” Kiara says dismissively, and Rafe can tell she’s about to find some excuse to leave. He’s desperate to keep her around, if only for a few more moments, so he blurts out the only thing he can think of, something that’s been weighing on him heavily. What does he have to lose at this point?

“I thought I might hear from you, Kie. After the hospital.” Rafe digs his nails into the palm of his hand, trying to steady his racing heartbeat. 

“Why would you think that? Because of one little note?” The sharpness of Kiara’s scoff slices him right to the core. “That didn’t change anything. Too much has happened, Rafe.” Maybe that’s true, but Rafe won’t accept that. He can’t accept that. Things still feel incomplete, unfinished. It doesn’t feel over between them. Does Kiara really not feel the same way?

Rafe takes a tentative step forward, the sun glinting off the rings on his hands as he holds them up in surrender. “Kie, if we could just talk-“

“There’s nothing to talk about, Rafe. This is just the way things are. It’s time that you moved on. I know I have.” Her words hit him like a sucker punch to the gut, and Rafe becomes blind to everything else around him. All he can see is the steel in Kiara’s eyes. All he can feel is the emptiness in his chest where his heart used to be. “I have to go,” Kiara finishes, turning back to Kenny and gesturing for him to follow her. “Bye, Rafe.” She avoids eye contact as she falls into step with Kenny. 

Rafe wants to look away as they fade into the distance, but he can’t tear his eyes off of their departing forms. His eyes follow the movement as Kiara bumps into Kenny’s side conspiratorially, taking the chai latte back from him with a grin. Rafe reminds himself that this is what he deserves, that this is probably a fair punishment. You reap what you sow. Rafe watches Kiara disappear from view, knowing that there might not be anything he can do to earn her forgiveness or her respect now. But regardless of what she thinks about him, Rafe can’t let her be right about him. Not anymore. So he turns around and enters the administration building, no longer feeling nervous. For once in his life, Rafe is absolutely sure that he’s doing the right thing. 

———————————————————————

Kiara reaches down to straighten her white, short-sleeved blouse for what has to be the 10th time, and Sarah swats her hand away.

“You’re just wrinkling it, Kie. Stop fidgeting,” she leans over on the solid wood bench to whisper in Kiara’s ear.

“I’m sorry,” Kiara hisses back. “I’m just nervous.” She starts fidgeting with the rings on her left hand instead, but her fingers are stilled when Sarah grabs her hand and grips tightly. 

“I know. I’m here for you.” Sarah’s warm brown eyes help calm Kiara slightly. In this moment Kiara is intensely grateful for Sarah’s presence, even though Kiara told her friends she didn’t want them to come to court with her. They had already heard the grim details of Halloween night once, and she didn’t want to put them through that again. Sarah had rejected this outright, insisting on joining despite Kiara’s protestations. Pope and Cleo both had classes they couldn’t miss, but Sarah rode with Kiara in the car that the lawyer provided to bring them to the courthouse in Raleigh. In the car she chatted lightly about superficial things to try and keep Kiara’s mind off the case. And as Sarah grips her hand for dear life, Kiara feels like she’s never loved her friend more than at this moment. 

Kiara breathes deeply and tries not to think about anything at all as Bryce’s lawyer finishes cross-examining another witness. She’s prepared extensively for this moment, to get up in front of all these strangers and speak her truth. It’s the third day of the trial, and Kiara will be the third witness on the stand. Lucky number three. All good things come in three. Two’s a company, three’s a crowd. Nonsense spirals through Kiara’s brain as she tries to remind herself that all she has to do is tell the truth, even though she knows it’s not that simple. Mari’s lawyer, an intelligent and good-humored woman named Michelle Liu, had warned her of some of things the defense might do during cross-examination, that they might try to cast doubt on her version of events. Michelle told Kiara that she would need to dress feminine but not too feminine, that she should pull her hair back in a simple hairstyle and put on minimal but flattering makeup. Kiara despises the fact that she has to jump through all these hoops of respectability politics when she should just be able to get up there and tell her story. She hates that she has to testify on Mari’s behalf at all, hates that the word of one woman isn’t enough. Hates that the word of two women still might not be enough. But Kiara had briefly met Mari during the preparation process, had liked her a lot and felt deeply for her, and Kiara told herself she would acquiesce to these idiotic expectations if it meant that Mari would get any of the peace she deserved. 

“Your honor, I would like to call Kiara Elizabeth Carrera to the stand as our third witness.” Michelle’s clear voice snaps Kiara out of her daze. Kiara wipes her sweaty, shaky hands on her black pencil skirt as she stands and makes her way towards the front of the room. She focuses intently on the steps leading up to the stand, trying not to trip and fall.

“Bailiff?” The judge motions for the bailiff to approach Kiara once she’s seated. She places her right hand on the Bible and tries to keep her breathing steady as the bailiff reads out the oath. 

“You do solemnly swear that the evidence you shall give in the case pending between Marisa Brennan and Bryce Underwood shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

“I do.” Kiara hopes her voice doesn’t shake. She clasps her hands in her lap to steady herself and looks into Michelle’s kind eyes to ground her. 

“Ms. Carrera, thank you for being here. Is it true that you came forward after you heard Ms. Brennan’s accusations against Mr. Underwood, an experience that eerily resembled your own?”

“Yes.” Kiara’s nods slightly.

“Could you walk us through what happened on the night of October 31st, 2023? Take your time and do as best as you can.” Kiara takes a breath before she dives in, dreading the moment that the dark and murky waters of her memory start to rise over her head.

Kiara’s not sure how long she actually talks for, but she assumes it’s no less than 15 to 20 minutes. Kiara remembers that Michelle told her not to lower her eyes while talking, that the jury would think it was a sign of dishonesty, so Kiara stays locked onto the lawyer’s or Sarah’s eyes at all times. Michelle asks a few clarification questions about her testimony before releasing her to the defense. The judge allows for a two minute break before cross examination begins, allowing Kiara to stretch a bit and drink some water. But when it’s time for Bryce’s lawyer, Mr. Amaro, to question her, Kiara is taken aback by the hostility in his voice. He’s a typically handsome white man in his mid-40s, fairly nondescript apart from his piercing light green eyes, which he trains on Kiara immediately. 

“Ms. Carrera, did you ever experience sexual assault in your life prior to the experience you just described to the court?” Kiara blinks rapidly in surprise, her heart rocketing into her throat. 

Michelle is immediately on her feet, protesting the intrusive question. “Objection, your honor! Irrelevant! That question has no bearing whatsoever on this case.”

“Your honor, this witness was brought in an attempt to establish a pattern of behavior by Mr. Underwood. I’m trying to establish her credibility and motivation in doing so, and that’s going to involve getting some context about her prior experiences and state of mind,” Mr. Amaro argues.

“Overruled,” the judge replies after a moment’s thought. “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to answer the question, Ms. Carrera.”

Kiara swallows several times in a throat that is suddenly far too dry. “Yes. In high school,” she answers finally, her voice hoarse.

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” the lawyer says with mock sincerity, and his fake sympathy enrages Kiara enough for her to recover from her initial shock. “Did you ever formally report this assault to school officials or the police?”

“I, uh, I thought about it,” Kiara responds, trying to avoid Sarah’s gaze now. She doesn’t want to see the pity in her eyes. “I tried to talk to my school counselor at the time, but she basically said no one would believe me, that it wasn’t worth pursuing. The guy was from a very respected family, just like Bryce,” Kiara adds after a short pause.

“That must have made you pretty angry, right?” Amaro asks, and the gleam in Kiara’s eyes alerts her to the fact that her answer somehow gave him exactly what he wanted.

“I guess,” Kiara relents, even though she was boiling with rage then, just as she is now. She doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction.

“And isn’t it true that you didn’t report Mr. Underwood’s alleged assault until the plaintiff came forward with her own allegations?” Bryce’s lawyer changes directions slightly.

“I didn’t see the point. I didn’t think anything would come from my reporting it, and I didn’t want to go through this process myself.”

“Yet here you sit. Why is that?” Kiara hates this guy’s pompous tone, the absolute self-assuredness that colors his voice. She grips the edge of her seat, trying to stay calm.

“I just wanted to help. When I heard about Mari’s assault, I knew I should come forward with what happened to me. Maybe the process didn’t make sense for me, but I wanted to help Mari get the justice that she deserves.” Kiara’s eyes stay fixed somewhere in the direction of Mari’s lawyer, trying not to look down but also not wanting to face the gaze of anyone else in the room.

“So your motivation had nothing to do with the anger you just admitted having from your own prior experiences? The lack of justice in your own case, maybe?”

Kiara’s brow wrinkles as she considers this. “I don’t think I understand the question.”

The lawyer takes two short steps forward, pinning her in place with his cold eyes. “I find it very interesting that once the plaintiff levels these allegations of assault against my client, then you finally decide to come forward with a story of attempted assault that’s strikingly similar to hers.”

Michelle is once again on her feet.

“Objection! Is that a question, your honor?”

“I’ll rephrase.” The lawyer raises his hands in surrender. “Ms. Carrera, did you fabricate your story of Mr. Underwood’s alleged assault in pursuit of justice you never got for yourself in the past?”

“Of course not!” Kiara’s voice rises slightly, shaking with barely concealed outrage. “Our stories are similar because we’re telling the truth. He probably does this sort of thing all the time,” she snaps, her eyes settling on Bryce for the first time today. He looks smug and unbothered in his suit and tie, and his expression makes Kiara want to leap over the stand and smack the smile off his face.

“Objection, your honor!” Mr. Amaro calls out. “Speculation. I’d ask that we strike Ms. Carrera’s personal assumption from the record.”

The judge nods and addresses the jury. “Ladies and gentleman of the jury, you’ll disregard that last statement made by the witness.“ Kiara’s face burns; she feels like she’s just been scolded by the lawyer and the judge.

“Did you know the defendant well before this alleged assault, Ms. Carrera?” The repeated emphasis on the word alleged is starting to get to Kiara. She thinks she might be starting to sweat from the effort it’s taking to stay calm. 

“I’d met him once or twice in passing. But no, I wouldn’t say so.” Thank god for that, Kiara barely keeps herself from adding. 

“Did you ever see him treat any other girls poorly before the alleged incident you described?”

“No.” Kiara says through clenched teeth. She isn’t sure where Mr. Amaro is going with this.

“Right. So you didn’t know the defendant well, and you never saw him treat anyone else poorly. And you said yourself that your memory of what happened that night is foggy at best.” Kiara’s stomach plummets. She thinks she knows where this is going now. “How do you know that Mr. Underwood wasn’t just doing you a service? Perhaps you just drank too much and he was trying to help you feel better?”

“Because that’s not what happened,” Kiara insists as her vision starts to blur. She’s not sure if it’s tears or rage clouding her vision. 

“Because of the friend that helped you fill in the blanks, correct? Because you don’t actually remember what happened, do you?”

“That’s not true!” Kiara hates how upset he’s making her, but she can’t believe the audacity of this man.

“Isn’t it? Can you honestly say, on your memory alone, that you’re absolutely certain that the defendant drugged you and was trying to assault you? Or is that just what you want to believe?”

“Objection, your honor, badgering!” Michelle calls out, but to Kiara she sounds very far away.

“Sustained.” The judge levels Mr. Amaro with a disapproving glare as Kiara speaks again. 

“What I want to believe? Why would I want to believe that?? Yes, I can honestly say I’m sure that Bryce tried to assault me.” Kiara’s breathing has picked up, but she still feels like she’s not getting enough air. 

“Yes? Based on what, Ms. Carrera?” Kiara wants to be angry at the condescension in his tone, but all she feels is fear, a rising panic that’s blocking everything else out. No one believed her then, and no one believes her now. Why did she ever think they would?

“Because I know! I remember. I, I…” Kiara trails off, her breathing shallow and her forehead sweaty. She brings a shaky hand to wipe at the dampness there before leaning on it for support. Michelle mercifully steps in after several moments of labored silence.

“Your honor, I think my witness needs to take a breather.”

“We’ll recess for ten minutes. Counselor, when we get back, try to watch your tone, will you? Ms. Carrera’s not the one on trial here.” The judge shoots Mr. Amaro a scathing look as he bangs his gavel to dismiss them. 

“You’re doing well, you’re doing well,” Michelle whispers in Kiara’s ear as she stumbles towards the courtroom doors, barely managing to stay upright. “They’re just trying to get in your head, basically to get you to contradict yourself and the next witnesses’ account of events. Remember what we talked about. Just talk about what you do remember, which is more than enough-“

“Yeah, thank you Michelle. I just need to use the restroom and get some air. I’ll be fine,” Kiara cuts her off, making a beeline for the restroom. She stays in one of the stalls until she’s sure that she’s not actually going to throw up, and then she splashes some water on her face before exiting the bathroom. Kiara heads toward the exterior doors of the courthouse, hoping the fresh air will clear her mind. She doesn’t even look around for Sarah, knowing that if she sees her friend she’ll be in real danger of bursting into tears. Kiara plops onto a bench just outside the courthouse, sucking in lungfuls of temperate April air to try and calm down. It doesn’t work. Kiara runs her hands through her hair frantically as she rests her elbows on her knees. She’s completely spiraling. She’s going to pass out and miss the rest of her testimony. She’s going to die, probably.

“I can’t do this, I can’t do this,” she whispers to herself, rocking slightly as she utters the words. 

“Yes you can, Kie,” a voice whispers from the ground in front of her. “Would it help if I asked you to name 5 things you can see?” The voice is so gentle and reassuring that Kiara doesn’t even flinch in surprise. All she feels is relief. She raises her head and faces the familiar blue of Rafe’s eyes, and they’re warmer than she’s ever seen them. Only when she lifts her head does she realize that there are tears running down her face, and Rafe’s eyes shine as he bears witness to her pain. He’s kneeling on the ground in front of her, careful to avoid touching her in any way, looking devastatingly handsome in a tailored black suit. Kiara doesn’t think she’s ever seen him in a tie before. Is she just imagining that he’s here?

“Rafe,” Kiara breathes out in relief. “Your suit…” she trails off, feeling far away from herself, barely able to remember what she intended to say in the first place.

“Don’t worry about my suit,” he brushes her off. “That guy is an asshole, Kie. That was so fucked up. I almost ran up and jumped him in the courtroom.” It sounds like a joke, but Rafe looks deadly serious. 

“You were there?” Kiara unsuccessfully tries to swallow down the lump in her throat. 

“Yeah, I came in shortly after you took the stand. I know you didn’t see me. That was intentional.” His small, crooked smile is laced with sadness.

Kiara finally processes where she is and who’s sitting in front of her, but it’s like two puzzle pieces that don’t quite fit together. She doesn’t understand what she’s seeing. “Rafe, what are you doing here?”

“I’m the next witness, Kie. I’m testifying after you.” He maintains eye contact as he delivers the news, his eyes never losing that warm tenderness. 

Kiara gapes at him. He might as well be speaking French. “What? When did you…why?”

“Because it’s the right thing to do. It’s always been the right thing to do,” Rafe says softly, bracketing Kiara’s body with his arms without actually touching her. Despite her best instincts, despite how angry she is at him, Kiara still yearns for his touch. She places her hand gently on one of Rafe’s hands, soaking in the warmth of his skin. When Rafe lifts his face to Kiara’s, his expression is pained, and his eyes are filled with all the unspoken words between them.

“Kie, I….”

The door to the courthouse swings open, startling them both. “Ms. Carrera. We need you back on the stand,” Michelle says apologetically. Rafe stands up reluctantly, his eyes never leaving Kiara as he brushes off the knees of his pants. He hesitates for a moment before offering a hand to her, but she grabs it gratefully and pulls herself up. Her momentum brings her too close for a brief second; she feels Rafe’s warm breath on her lips before she turns away. 

“Let’s do this, yeah?” Rafe mutters under his breath. Kiara nods briskly, trying to steel herself to get back on the stand. She continues to hold Rafe’s hand until shortly after they re-enter the courthouse, relishing the solid weight of his hand in her own, and she watches as Sarah does a double take. Rafe nods encouragingly as Kiara releases his hand and crosses the distance to the stand on her own.

“Welcome back, Ms. Carrera,” Mr. Amaro quips sarcastically. Kiara suppresses the urge to roll her eyes, but she nearly smiles as she watches Rafe’s eyes roll instead. “Let’s try this again. Can you honestly say, on your memory alone, that you’re absolutely certain that the defendant drugged you and was trying to assault you?” The lawyer’s bright green eyes are still unnerving, but Kiara feels calm now. She won’t let this random man intimidate her.

Kiara sucks in a grounding breath before answering. “Maybe I can’t be certain that he drugged me. But I’m certain he was trying to assault me. I remember….” Kiara battles against vivid memories, shaking away the images as best she can. “I remember Bryce dragging me up the stairs even after I said I wanted to go home. I remember him pinning me to his bed, even when I said no over and over. I remember him trying to pull my pants off. I remember kicking him in the balls. Maybe I don’t remember everything, but I remember enough.” Mr. Amaro seems slightly taken aback by the confidence in her voice, so Kiara capitalizes on his surprise and keeps talking. “You know, the next witness is going to get up here and confirm everything I’ve said, and then will you believe it? Because he’s a man? Because he’s not the ‘victim?’ I shouldn’t have to prove myself to you people. And neither should Mari- Ms. Brennan, I mean.” Kiara’s watches as Mari’s mouth quirks up slightly. 

Bryce’s lawyer seems to recover from his initial shock. “The plaintiff shouldn’t have to prove herself before she ruins the life of a promising young man, whose family is a pillar in the community?”

Kiara can’t help but laugh at that. “He’s a young man whose life could be ruined, but what about Mari? What about me? Women that come forward about abuse have to wear it like a scarlet letter, like all we are if we speak the truth are victims, or tattletales.” The words spill from Kiara before she can stop them. “You know, we’re not victims. We’re not survivors, even. You don’t get to define us by the things that we’ve endured. I’m just me. I’m Kiara Carrera. I shouldn’t have to put up with this shit. And neither should the plaintiff. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.” Kiara’s chest heaves with emotion as she finishes her impromptu speech.

“Your honor! I move to strike…all that from the record!” Bryce’s lawyer looks to the judge for help, but the judge’s flinty eyes are merciless.

“You responded to Ms. Carrera’s initial comments, so you brought this on yourself, counselor. Do you have any other questions, or can you finally release this witness?”

“No further questions, your honor.” Bryce’s attorney sits down with a huff. Kiara descends from the stand and walks with her head held high to sit next to Sarah on one of the benches. Rafe is sitting to the left of his sister, but Kiara can’t bring herself to look at him. Not yet. 

“I’m so proud of you,” Sarah whispers breathlessly, and Kiara can see that her friend’s cheeks are wet. She sets her head against Sarah’s shoulder as Mrs. Liu stands up to call her next witness.

“Counselor Liu?”

“Your honor, I would like to call Rafe Alexander Cameron to the stand as our fourth witness.”

Kiara follows his movements as Rafe walks calmly and confidently down the aisle, his broad shoulders square and his angular chin tilted up. A chill travels down Kiara’s spine at the malevolent glare Bryce directs at Rafe, but if he notices he doesn’t react. He just walks to the stand and calmly takes his oath, the lilt in his slight southern drawl making the words sound almost melodic. 

“Mr. Cameron, can you walk me through the series of events that took place on the evening of October 31st, from your point of view?” Kiara leans against Sarah and tries to dissociate as Rafe repeats the things she’s already heard and said, the things she knows but wants to forget. She suddenly feels so, so tired.

“And you say that Ms. Carrera was drugged. How could you possibly know that? Did you see it happen?” Kiara perks up at this question, asked several minutes after Rafe started speaking. 

“No.” Kiara slumps back against the bench and watches as Bryce shoots his lawyer a triumphant glance. “But I did hear Bryce admit that he did it.” Gasps and murmurs erupt from the audience, and Kiara sees fear flicker across Bryce’s face for the first time all day.

“Order, order!” The judge says impatiently, banging his gavel. When the crowd quiets down, he gestures at Michelle to continue. 

“What exactly did you hear Mr. Underwood say, Mr. Cameron?”

“When I entered Bryce’s room and saw that Kiar…Ms. Carrera was unconscious and unresponsive, I asked the uh…defendant what he did to her. And he said ‘nothing’ at first, but then he added that ‘the dose wasn’t strong enough, anyway.’ He said it quietly so I don’t think he knew that I heard him, but I did.” Mr. Amaro sucks in a deep sigh through his nose, and Kiara realizes that Bryce’s lawyer wasn’t prepared for this part of Rafe’s testimony.

“And what did you think when you heard Mr. Underwood say this?”

“I was disgusted. I was enraged.” Rafe’s shaky voice reveals the truth of his words. “But I also thought to myself, how would he know the correct dosage unless he’s done this before?” More chatter and murmur from the crowd, but one stern look from the judge silences them.

“Before the defense asks you the same question, Mr. Cameron, I just want to get it out of the way. Why didn’t you come forward with this information sooner?”

“Well, for one, Bryce tried to get me not to say anything. He said it was ‘bad for the frat’ and that we needed to ‘stick together.’ He said no one would believe the women, anyway.” Michelle opens her mouth, preparing to dismiss Rafe, but he keeps talking, the words coming out hurriedly, like he’s afraid he’ll lose his nerve. “But really it’s because I was a coward. I told myself it wasn’t my business, and I thought it would be better for me if I didn’t say anything. I thought I had less to lose if I stayed quiet. But I was wrong.” Kiara finally brings herself to look at Rafe as he sits on the stand, and she finds that he’s already staring at her. His blue eyes are intense, sincere, and mournful all at once. Kiara knows that in this moment, she’s the only person he’s actually talking to. “I had everything to lose.” Kiara feels the tears rising fast and she doesn’t want them to fall here. 

As Rafe is excused from the stand, Kiara slips out of the courtroom and walks out into the bright spring afternoon. She watches in fond disbelief as the Twinkie pulls up to the curb, and Pope, Cleo, John B, and JJ all stick their heads out of the car windows. 

“You didn’t really think we wouldn’t come, did you?” Pope calls from the back of the van, smiling widely. Kiara laughs through her tears, and she runs to the van as the floodgates open. She usually hates to cry in front of people, but she knows she can be vulnerable here, surrounded by her chosen family. 

———————————————————————

As the rest of the Pogues wait outside in the van, Sarah lingers in the lobby of the courthouse, waiting for Rafe to come out. It’s been a long day already, but she wants to see her brother before they both head back to campus. She snickers softly as she watches Bryce’s lawyer lay into him in the hall, scolding him for leaving out essential information in their prep work. 

“Rafe!” She calls out as he exits the courtroom, his hands buried deep in his pockets. He walks over with a tired half-smile on his face, his shoes clicking softly on the polished floor. When he’s close enough for Sarah to get a good look at his face, she sees that beneath his manicured exterior, he’s actually exhausted. The bags under his eyes are so prominent that Sarah wonders if he hasn’t slept for days. 

“Hey, Sar,” he says softly. “You didn’t have to wait up.”

“I wanted to,” Sarah insists, placing one grounding hand on his arm. “You did good, Rafe. That took guts.”

“Nah,” Rafe says with a rueful shake of his head. “It didn’t. It was just the right thing to do.”

“Sometimes it takes a lot of bravery to do the right thing, Rafe.” Thorny emotion briefly clogs Rafe’s throat, so it takes a minute for him to respond. 

“Thanks,” he replies gruffly, clearing his throat as he speaks. “I’m glad you could be here for Kie.”

“I’m glad I could be here for you, too.” Sarah searches his face with her tender eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me you were testifying?” When Rafe hesitates for a few moments, a knowing look dawns on Sarah’s face. “Dad doesn’t know, does he?”

“He doesn’t. And I’m not looking forward to him finding out. You know he’s going to be pissed,” Rafe tries to laugh, but it comes out more like a cough. He runs one hand through his hair nervously at the thought of their father. 

“Yeah, well, that should tell us everything we need to know about Ward’s priorities,” Sarah says with a scoff. Rafe is taken aback by the bitterness in her voice. “Rafe…I know you resent me. Because of him. Because he treats me better than you, and you think I’m his favorite.”

Rafe stares at her in horror, shaking his head automatically. “That’s not true Sarah, I don’t-“

“You don’t have to lie, Rafe. I know it’s true. And I don’t blame you. I just want you to know that it’s not your fault, the way he treats you. He takes you for granted, Rafe. He has ever since Mom died.” Rafe’s heart seizes in his chest at the mention of their mom. He squeezes Sarah’s hand as her eyes fill with tears. “Ward’s a narcissist. He takes for granted that you’ll always be there, even when he treats you like shit. Maybe he does think I’m more like him. But he doesn’t really know you, Rafe. And he doesn’t know me, either. He thinks we’re so similar, but we’re not. I don’t want to be like him. And I hope you don’t either. You don’t need his approval.”

As soon as the words are out of Sarah’s mouth, Rafe pulls her into a fierce hug. She lets out a small sound of surprise before hugging him back. 

“I love you, Sarah. I’m sorry for being such a shitty brother for so long. I promise I’m going to be better from now on.”

Sarah laughs into their hug. “I wasn’t always the greatest sister. I know that,” Sarah flashes Rafe a watery smile as she pulls away. “But that’s all we can do, right? Try and do better every day.”

“I’m glad we have each other,” Rafe admits, uncomfortable with the vulnerability but wanting to let Sarah know how much this conversation has meant to him. Sarah’s smile is a knowing one, and Rafe figures she already senses how grateful he is.

“Wanna give me a ride home? I’ll text John B that I’ll meet them back at campus.”

“Let’s do it.” Rafe offers his arm to Sarah as they make their way out of the building, and she links her own arm through with a dramatic flair. She pokes at the stiff fabric covering his arms as they walk down the stairs.

“Where did you get this suit? You looked so uncomfortable up there in that tie.”

“Oh, here we go. I knew this niceness wouldn’t last,” Rafe teases as he squints into the warm sunlight. His eyes are drawn towards the hunk of metal glinting in the afternoon light, with Pogues hanging like excited puppies out of every open window and door. Before he heads to the Rover, he briefly catches Kiara’s eye. She looks beautiful even when she’s tired and worn out, and Rafe aches down to his bones with the desire to close the space between them. But he keeps his distance, knowing that he lost that right a long time ago. Just before Rafe turns away, he’s caught by surprise when Kiara nods at him, her molten brown eyes shining with an emotion he can’t put his finger on. He nods back before averting his eyes and turning towards his car, his heart torn between the joy of getting a glimpse of Kiara and the pain of walking away from her.

Chapter Text

Despite Kiara’s many doubts, the set up for tonight’s event is running without a hitch. After months of frantic planning with Kiara and Cleo at the helm, the day of the benefit for the Nag’s Head Sea Turtle Conservancy has finally arrived. The benefit is taking place in a quaint event space about 15 minutes away from the conservancy, an airy combination indoor/outdoor space that resembles a chic, modern barn. The Conservation Club was able to raise enough money to rent the event space and bus UNC students to the venue, which is a few hours away from campus. Kiara spearheaded the outreach efforts and the food planning, but Cleo really stepped up as the de facto event organizer in the last few weeks. It’s in this capacity that she’s been running around all day, barking orders at friends and strangers alike as the benefit’s start time of 6:00 p.m. draws nearer. 

Kiara watches in amusement as Cleo scolds JJ, smacking his hand away as he tries to snag an appetizer from one of the trays being brought in by Kiara’s parents. Kiara eventually convinced her parents to cater the event for basically nothing, although she doesn’t think it’s because they suddenly developed a great love of sea turtles. Kiara suspects her parents agreed in large part because they felt guilty for being absent throughout her entire freshman year, especially after she reluctantly told them about her recent trial experience. She didn’t want to tell them at all, but Pope had pushed her to make good on her promise to be more honest with the people in her life. Kiara hated to admit Pope was right, but she knew her relationship with her parents was in desperate need of rehabilitation, so she had begrudgingly given them an overview of the incident on Halloween and the trial the last time she was home. She spared them the details, but her parents were still shocked and horrified, both because of the incident itself and the fact that she had kept it from them for so long. Her dad was enraged and briefly considered launching their own lawsuit against Bryce before Kiara was able to talk him down. Her mom, on the other hand, just wouldn’t stop crying, and would randomly burst into tears any time Kiara walked into the room. Their reactions made Kiara grateful that she hadn’t told them what she’d been through in high school, and helped make her even more resolute in her decision to never tell them. She knows they’re reacting in the only way they know how, but she doesn’t need to deal with their pity or guilt over things she’s already worked hard to process on her own. Kiara doesn’t need them bringing her back to that dark place that’s she’s clawed her way out of. For the moment they’re still treating her like she’s made out of glass, but if that’s the cost of free catering, she’ll take it. 

“Get your grubby little hands off the food!” Cleo’s voice snaps Kiara out of her thoughts, and she watches as Cleo pulls a tray out mini sandwiches out of JJ’s reach. 

“I’ve been helping out all day! I’m hungry, Cleo!” JJ pouts unsuccessfully for a moment, before slinking away to help John B hang some last-minute decorations. 

“I’m impressed. I’ve never seen someone wrangle JJ so easily,” Kiara remarks as she approaches Cleo. “You know, you really have a talent for planning and bossing people around. Have you thought about maybe looking into the business school? Something in management?”

“You really think I should?” Cleo’s eyes light up as she smiles at Kiara, until the moment is shattered by Pope shouting from across the room. 

“Cleo, where is the band supposed to set up? And where’s the silent auction going to be again?” He points frantically to a group of people in black suits cradling instruments in their arms, and Kiara stifles a laugh as one of the musicians anxiously drops their case at the fierce look on Cleo’s face.

“Yah, can’t you do anything without me? I’m on my way,” Cleo shouts back as she heads in Pope’s direction, but not before shooting another warm smile at Kiara over her shoulder. Kiara feels intensely grateful that she’s been spared Cleo’s wrath.

“Kiara, where do you want the desserts?” Her dad calls from her left, with her mom trailing close behind. They’re both balancing trays of Duck Donuts (a local delicacy) and various homemade pastries precariously in their arms. Kiara ushers them in the right direction before they can drop the desserts.

“Over by the bar, do you see that empty table? Thank you!” She calls out after her parents as they hustle across the room. There’s going to be free food at the benefit but not free drinks, and a cash bar where benefit attendees will pay for drinks is just one of the ways the club is intending to raise money this evening. Another way is the silent auction Kiara coordinated, a collaboration with local artists who donated their works to be auctioned off. Kiara normally wouldn’t ask artists to donate their work for free, but the Conservation Club’s budget was admittedly very limited. She assured the artists that it was for a good cause but completely voluntary, and she made sure that the artists who donated their work were invited to the benefit so they could talk about their art to those bidding on it in person. It had taken a lot of hard work and networking, but Kiara recruited enough artists to make the auction happen. 

The past couple of weeks of planning had been exhausting, but Kiara threw herself into the organizing willingly, wanting to distract herself from both the trial experience and the person whose testimony had surprised her there. She was mostly successful at avoiding thoughts of the trial until the verdict came out, and when she heard that the verdict was guilty, her primary emotion was mainly relief. Relief that Mari got some semblance of justice; that in a way, Kiara did too. And relief, of course, that the whole ordeal was finally over with.

Unlike the trial, thoughts of Rafe were much harder to avoid. Kiara tried to focus on the benefit planning, to invest in her classes, to spend time with the Pogues and even new friends like Kenny, who she’d grown closer to over the past couple months. Sweet Kenny, who’s been there whenever she needs him. Sweet Kenny, who’s at this benefit when he could be anywhere else, helping out of the goodness of his heart. Sweet Kenny, who all her friends adore. Sweet Kenny, who has absolutely nothing wrong with him - apart from the fact that he’s not the person Kiara actually wants to be with. She hates this fact so much that she can barely admit it to herself. She shakes her head to try and dislodge Rafe from her mind, like thoughts of him are just dusty cobwebs that she can easily brush away. 

“Kenny, can you help get the artists’ table set up?” Kiara calls out as he passes, just to give herself something else to focus on. 

“Sure thing, Kie,” Kenny replies easily, flashing her a warm smile before heading in the direction of the silent auction to help set up.

“So what’s going on with that?” Sarah asks from behind Kiara’s left shoulder. She jumps at her friend’s sudden proximity, clutching her chest with both hands. 

“Jesus Sarah, you scared me.” Kiara releases a shaky breath. “But nothing’s happening with that. We’re just friends.”

“Uh huh, sure. I’ve seen the way he looks at you.” Kiara blushes, and she knows that Sarah misunderstands the reason for her embarrassment. Not that she would ever correct her friend’s assumption. Kiara is blushing because even if Kenny were interested in her, she wouldn’t be able to reciprocate the sweet boy’s affection. Not when she’s still hung up on someone else. Kiara glances at her phone instinctively, just like she’s been doing for the past month. Like she’s expecting a text from Rafe to suddenly pop up on the screen, like she’s not the one that told him to leave her alone, the one who insisted that things would never be the same between them. She didn’t reach out after the trial, so why would he? Logically, Kiara knows Rafe won’t message her, but it doesn’t keep her idiotic heart from hoping. She’s learning that it’s always that sliver of hope that’s the most crushing.

While Kiara might continue to foolishly hope for a text or a call, some sign that Rafe still cares about her, she knows better than to hope for his attendance at the benefit tonight. He probably doesn’t even know it’s happening, and Kiara tells herself over and over that it’s for the best. Seeing him again would just confuse Kiara even more, and she needs clarity now more than ever. There’s so many reasons why it wouldn’t work out with Rafe, even outside of the lies, the betrayal, and the hurtful words said between them. He’s her best friend’s brother, for one. All of Kiara’s friends hate him. None of his friends know she exists. He’s a Kook. And outside of Rafe’s personal flaws, they’re both hotheaded, both stubborn, both unwilling to admit when they’re wrong. It would never, ever work, Kiara tells herself over and over, like the world’s most depressing mantra. And yet, despite all that, Kiara still keeps glancing at her phone. 

Before Kiara knows it, the time is 5:45 and the doors to the venue are about to open. The plan is to let people trickle in for 30 minutes or so, before a welcome address from one of the event’s sponsors, the North Carolina Conservationist Society. The welcome and introductions will be followed by a cocktail hour, giving people the chance to mingle and bid on the artworks at the silent auction. After the cocktail hour, attendees will eat the food catered by her parents while listening to the band, until the silent auction closes at 8 p.m. The winners of the auction will be announced at 8:30 p.m., and at that time the organization committee will total up all the donations earned for the night. The amount of money needed to buy the turtle conservancy’s land is somewhere in the neighborhood of one million dollars, which the coalition knows they won’t make tonight; the hope is to get some donations and pledges at the event, but also to network with wealthy and influential people. Hopefully cozying up to these people and educating them on the cause will lead to future donations from their companies, friends, or even from governmental entities. Kiara knows there are a few people from North Carolina’s Department of Environmental Quality coming tonight - she knows because she lobbied long and hard for them to come. After months of relentless networking, sleepless nights of planning, and even some begging and pleading, the time has finally come to open the doors. Kiara feels like she’s going to throw up. She thinks she might be sweating her makeup off. 

“Sarah!” She grabs her friend as she passes nearby, gripping her hand like a lifeline. “I think I’m freaking out. Can you come to the bathroom with me and make sure I’m not a sweaty mess?” Sarah looks startled for a second as she’s dragged to the bathroom by Kiara. Once the door swings shut, Kiara looks at her friends with wild, panicked eyes. 

“You look beautiful, okay? Just relax.” Sarah grabs Kiara by the shoulders. “You worked so hard for this. Now there’s nothing to do but enjoy it.” She tilts her head to the side as Kiara takes a deep breath to steady herself. “Except maybe to touch up your lip gloss and eyeliner. Girl, you really were sweating!”

“I told you,” Kiara groans, grimacing as Sarah pulls out her makeup bag and does a quick touch up of Kiara’s face. 

“There. Good as new.” Kiara turns to look at herself in the mirror, her eyes wide with anxiety but looking put together otherwise. She’s wearing a simple black gown with halter straps, and a slit runs up one side of the dress that shows a tasteful amount of leg. Her hair is pulled back into a half up, half down hairdo, with long pieces of caramel hair framing her face. Her winged liner is fierce but her makeup is soft otherwise, with a sheen of rosy gloss on her lips tying everything together. Even Kiara has to admit that she looks good. “You’re gorgeous,” Sarah says warmly, meeting Kiara’s eyes in the mirror. Kiara’s best friend also looks stunning in a simple white dress that’s ruched at the waist, accentuating her figure. The color compliments Sarah’s tan skin, as does the red lipstick splashed across her lips. Kiara admires the two of them in the mirror, noticing how they compliment each other. Light and dark. Day and night. Both of them ferocity and gentility wrapped into one.

“Not as gorgeous as you,” Kiara replies after a long moment. “John B is probably barely containing himself tonight.” To Kiara’s amusement, Sarah blushes fiercely and averts her eyes. “Should we get back out there?”

“Let’s go suck up to some rich people!” Sarah says cheerfully, skipping out of the bathroom with Kiara close behind. She’s not exactly sure how yet, but she thinks it’s shaping up to be a wild night. 

———————————————————————

Intense anxiety aside, the evening passes quickly and smoothly. Kiara feels almost like she’s watching from outside her body as she mingles with academics, business people, environmental activists, and rich people of all varieties, giving each person her passionate speech about the importance of saving the conservancy. When she’s not schmoozing the potential donors trickling in through the doors, Kiara watches fondly as her friends try their best to integrate with the guests at the banquet. She makes sure to periodically sneak them alcohol from the bottles of wine she brought in and stashed behind the bar. As the adults in the room mingle and bid on the local art, Kiara notices JJ hitting it off with one of the artists at the auction. He hovers around her during the bidding process, distracting her with his dumb jokes and bringing her snacks and drinks when no one is looking. Kiara can tell that the pretty brunette girl is loving it, even as she swats at JJ and tells him to stop distracting her. 

“Look at JJ, working the room with his charm,” Kiara says to John B and Pope with a playful roll of her eyes. The two boys are standing with Kiara at a table, munching on finger food and swaying to the music appreciatively. They watch as JJ holds out his hand and twirls the artist in time with the music from the live band. They all groan at their lifelong friend’s antics, but they can’t help but be a tiny bit impressed by his moves. No one could accuse JJ of not going for what he wants in life. 

“Damn, he really is smooth when he wants to be. I wish I could pull off that kind of thing,” Pope remarks wistfully while watching JJ and the artist dance around.

“You could, Pope. Cleo might bully you for it, but it’s always worth a shot,” Kiara points out, nudging Pope with her hip.

“Where is Cleo, anyway?” John B asks, searching the room for Pope’s girlfriend for a moment before getting distracted by the sight of his girlfriend in the crowd. 

“Probably bossing someone around,” Pope replies with a fond smile. “She’s scary, that one.”

“There’s Sarah, talking to Ward,” John B adds, gazing across the room with eyes like a heartsick adolescent. “She’s so beautiful.”

“You’re such a simp, John B,” Kiara teases. “I told Sarah you were going to be thirsting over her tonight.” She pretends to gag at the thought before taking another sip of what she’s pretending is ‘lemonade’ if any adults in the room ask. 

“That’s my future wife,” John B blurts out, causing Kiara to spit out a mouthful of wine all over Pope, who yelps in displeasure. “Mark my words, we’re going to get married one day.”

“Hold your horses, Romeo!! You two aren’t even out of your teens yet,” Kiara exclaims, too shocked by John B’s declaration to worry about the string of disgruntled sounds coming from Pope’s mouth.

“Kie! What did you just spit all over me??” Pope cries out, shaking his collar to try and dislodge some of the liquid that’s gathered there.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” Cleo asks, materializing from somewhere nearby. She does a double take when she notices the droplets glistening all over Pope’s hair and face. “Why are you all wet?” She grabs napkins from the table and starts dabbing at Pope while Kiara giggles uncontrollably.

“My bad,” she manages to wheeze out eventually, before collapsing into laughter again. Pope shoots her an exasperated look before his face softens and he starts to laugh as well.

“It’s fine, Cleo,” he insists, taking the wet napkins out of her hand and throwing them onto the table. He must feel emboldened by JJ’s smooth moves, because he holds out one hand to Cleo with a dramatic bow. “May I have this dance, m’lady?”

To Kiara’s immense surprise, instead of rolling her eyes or making fun of him, Cleo blushes as she takes Pope’s hand. “Yah, I thought you’d never ask,” she says bashfully as they walk away.

Kiara glances over at John B as Cleo and Pope move to the small dance floor. He’s been unusually quiet for the past few minutes, and Kiara realizes it’s because he’s still staring across the room at Sarah. Kiara rolls her eyes at her disgustingly-in-love friend. He’s incredibly hopeless sometimes, so Kiara taps him on the shoulder and points in Sarah’s direction. “You should go talk to Sarah and Ward instead of just staring, dude. Make a good impression on the future father-in-law.” 

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” John B says, so distracted that he doesn’t even notice the sarcasm in Kiara’s voice. He clears his throat and straightens his tie nervously. “Do I look okay?”

“Besides everything about your face? Yeah, you look fine,” Kiara teases, but she doesn’t think John B even hears her as he starts to walk across the room. “Try to butter him up to make a donation!!” She calls out after her friend as he cuts through the crowd. 

As Kiara watches her friends mingle with their partners, all of them clearly so in love, she feels some hollow space inside her chest start to ache. She’s happy that they’re happy, of course, but the sight of them all coupled up reminds her of how totally alone she feels sometimes. She thinks about the fact that even when she was with someone that made her feel less alone, it was a secret, a lie. Wasn’t it? And if it wasn’t real, why does the loss of it hurt so badly? How can she mourn something that barely even existed?

Kiara sits down at an empty table, suddenly exhausted. She loses herself in the calming ebb and flow of the music, and is only brought back to reality when someone sits next to her at the table. She looks over, blinking her daze away as she realizes that it’s her dad in the seat. She notes with interest that he looks oddly nervous. Mike opens and closes his mouth a few times awkwardly, but Kiara just waits for him to work up the courage to say what he wants to say. She’s become a lot more patient over the past year; she doesn’t feel the need to fill the silence with meaningless, empty words.

Finally her dad clears his throat to speak, but he continues to face forward without looking at her. “I just wanted to come over and tell you how proud we are of you, Kiara. This is one hell of an event. We know you worked hard to put it together, and your mother and I are proud of you.” Kiara blinks rapidly in surprise, not sure how to absorb this information that’s so totally opposite of what her parents usually say to her.

“What? But you guys were always telling me that spending my time on environmental stuff was stupid. I barely convinced you to help with the food,” Kiara points out testily, folding her arms over her chest. Mike runs his hands over his head, looking conflicted.

“I’m sorry that we…that we weren’t supportive like we should have been this year. It’s not an excuse, but things have been tough at the restaurant,” he explains, still refusing to meet her eyes. “We’re just now coming through the worst of it.”

“But you guys sounded so happy whenever I called. And you barely called me,” Kiara thinks of all the times her parents claimed to be busy and cut their calls short.

“We just didn’t want our child to hear us struggling, Kiara,” Mike admits, looking down into his lap. “But we’ve missed you, your mom and I. It’s been an adjustment not having you around.” He looks at Kiara for the first time, with eyes that are unusually vulnerable and intense. Kiara can only gaze back for a few moments before looking away, but the look on her dad’s face draws an ugly emotion from deep in her chest, one she’s been trying to suppress for the majority of her life. 

“I’m sorry that I didn’t turn out like you guys wanted. I feel like I’m always letting you down,” Kiara blurts out before she can think better of it. Maybe the wine she’s been sneaking has loosened her tongue too much. She stares straight ahead as the seconds tick by without a response from her dad. After moments of painful silence, he finally sucks in a deep breath before he speaks.

“It’s true that you didn’t turn out how we thought you would,” he begins, and Kiara’s heart plummets into her stomach. She almost makes an excuse to get up from the table so she can run out of the room, but her dad stops her with a gentle hand on her forearm. “You’ve become so, so much more than ever we could have imagined. You could never let us down, Kiara.”

Kiara is shocked by the quick flood of tears that fill her eyes, at the way that her dad’s words immediately soothe some deep ache inside her chest. She wonders if she’s needed to hear these words for a long time, despite all her attempts to act like she doesn’t care what her parents think. All Kiara can croak out through the thick emotion clogging her throat are two simple but torn sounding words. “Thanks dad.”

Her dad squeezes her arm tighter, and Kiara thinks there might be tears in his eyes as well. “We know you’ve had a rough year. We’re proud of you for handling everything like you have. And we’re glad you have your friends to support you.” Kiara stares at her dad, unable to disguise the shock on her face. Her dad never has nice things to say about the Pogues, not even back when they were kids. “Even if they are hooligans,” he adds with a good-natured chuckle. They sit in silence for a moment, and her dad’s gaze grows more serious. “Let’s all try to be better at telling each other things, yeah? At being there for each other?”

“Sounds good to me,” Kiara replies, clearing her throat awkwardly. She doesn’t know how to do this with her dad, but she appreciates that he’s finally putting in some effort to be a supportive parent.

Mike finally pushes himself up from his chair, clapping his hands on his knees to signal an end to the conversation. “I should get back to your mom. She’s probably somewhere cursing me out for leaving her to fend for herself out there.”

Before he can walk away, Kiara finds herself calling out to him. “Dad?” Mike turns around expectantly. “I…love you guys.”

Her dad smiles at her, and his features are relaxed and warmer than Kiara has seen them in months, maybe years. “We love you too, Kiara.” And then he’s gone. Kiara sits quietly at the table for several minutes, trying to figure out what the hell just happened with her dad. When she snaps out of her stupor and leaves the table, deciding to snag another illicit glass of wine, she runs straight into Kenny. She hasn’t seen him since the event began, but he looks happy and relaxed, his cheeks pink with a slight flush. Kiara wonders if he’s been sneaking drinks too.

“How’s it going, Kie? You happy with how the event’s turned out?” Kenny asks, absentmindedly adjusting the collar of his white button down.

“It’s going amazing, better than I even hoped for, honestly. And I’m so grateful for everyone’s help. Thank you so much for being here, Kenny.” This time Kiara can’t deny the way Kenny’s eyes rake up and down her body, the way he stands a little too close to her as they talk. Although Kiara feels the gentlest flap of butterfly wings in her stomach at the attention from Kenny, the primary feeling that flashes through her is panic. Redirect, redirect, her brain screams at her. Redirect this energy. Kiara is saved by the appearance of one of her fellow club members, a pretty and friendly sophomore named Shannon. Kiara thinks Shannon is single, but at this moment she doesn’t particularly care. Just as Kenny starts to reach for her, Kiara calls out loudly to Shannon, startling both her and Kenny with the volume of her voice.

“Shannon! Hi! Come over here!” She waves the petite girl over to them. “Kenny, have I introduced you to my friend Shannon? I think you guys would really get along. Shannon is in your year at UNC.”

Kenny flashes Kiara an amused glance before turning to Shannon. “It’s nice to meet you Shannon. What do you study at UNC?” Crisis averted. Kiara sticks around to facilitate for a while, before excusing herself by saying she needs to use the restroom once the two really hit it off. She gives herself a mental pat on the back for her matchmaking abilities, before grabbing John B and Sarah and pulling them towards the bar. 

Before Kiara knows it, it’s past 8 p.m. and it’s time to announce the winners of the silent auction. An announcement is made, and everyone starts to gather in front of the small stage near the band. Kiara’s more than a little tipsy when the staff advisor of the conservation club comes up and asks if she wants to be the one to announce the auction winners, but she thinks (hopes) she’s able to pull off acting sober as she respectfully declines. She stands near Cleo and Pope (John B and Sarah are off doing god knows what) as their advisor, Mr. Starkey, reads out the auction winners one by one. Kiara watches with amusement as JJ nudges the cute artist, whose name turns out to be Delina, clapping and whistling when her artwork is read off. Kiara makes eye contact and rolls her eyes at him playfully, but he just grins in response. JJ hasn’t spent a moment with his friends since the event began, but Kiara can’t pretend to be surprised. JJ is always like this when he’s interested in someone; he’s always been all or nothing, hot or cold, entirely invested or completely tuned out. Despite her friend’s capricious nature, Kiara finds herself simply enjoying the fact that his smiles are coming so easily again. 

“Wow, what an incredible auction, with some truly stunning art and very generous donors!” Mr. Starkey calls out, gazing appreciatively at the crowd. “The grand total raised from the silent auction is….$200,000!!” The crowd gasps and breaks into fervent applause. Kiara looks around at her friends, stunned. All that money from 15 pieces of art - these people really are rich. “And that’s not all!” Mr. Starkey’s voice interrupts their celebrating. “We still have to read off the donor pledges that have been trickling in all night!”

Every donation read out from the benefit’s ‘pledge box’ floors Kiara more than the next. $20,000 from a local humanitarian society. $10,000 from a nearby yacht club looking for a community project. The list of pledges goes on and on, and Kiara feels hope throb fiercely in her chest. Is there a chance that they might make enough money from this one event? That they won’t have to keep begging and pleading with the government and local organizations after tonight? The last pledge before Mr. Starkey wraps up is from a representative of the Department of Environmental Quality, who pledges $100,000 of newly secured funds to the conservancy.

“In total, that brings our pledges and donations for the night to… an incredible $500,008, ladies and gentlemen! You must really love the sea turtles, and guess what?? The sea turtles love you back!!”

Kiara is absolutely ecstatic for a moment as Cleo and the other Conservation Club members cheer and clap her on the back, before she remembers the total amount they need to save the conservancy. After so much effort and planning, so much generosity and sacrifice, they still have to double the amount raised tonight. She feels dread creeping into her awareness, clouding out the joy she felt just a moment ago. How the hell are they going to pull that off? As she ruminates on their next steps, unable to fully enjoy the moment, Kiara watches as Ward Cameron walks calmly to the stage and taps Mr. Starkey’s arm to get his attention. It’s too loud for Kiara to hear what he says, but Ward whispers into the advisor’s ear for a moment, before handing him an envelope and pulling away. But Ward stays by the side of the stage and gazes out at the other patrons, like he’s waiting for something. Kiara watches with confusion as Mr. Starkey’s taps at the microphone with shaky hands. 

“Ladies and gentleman…ladies and gentleman!! If I could have your attention for just a brief moment more. It seems like we forgot one very, very special pledge.” Mr. Starkey clears his throat nervously as he glances down at Ward, who keeps his eyes fixed coolly on the crowd. “Cameron Development, under the condition that the sanctuary be re-named ‘The Cameron Conservancy’, is pledging to match the total donations for the evening. This monumental contribution would bring the total amount raised to a staggering….$1,000,016 dollars. Mr. Cameron, we are blown away by the generosity of you and your associates.”

For a moment, the silence in the massive room is so complete that Kiara can hear the gentle whistle of a light breeze coming from outside. And then the crowd bursts into thunderous applause, cheering and screaming for Ward, who soaks in the adoration for a moment before his eyes settle on Kiara in the midst of the chaos. He makes his way through the joyous crowd to the spot where Kiara stands motionless in shock, her mouth hanging open and her hands frozen in mid-clap. When Ward reaches Kiara he looks at her expectantly, his bearded lips pulled into a sly, toothless smile. It takes a few more seconds for Kiara to regain movement of her body, when she’s finally able to shut her mouth and attempt to speak to Ward, although she has no idea what to say. Her mind feels like a boiling pot of alphabet soup, and she scrambles to pull something coherent out.

“Mr. Cameron, I……I have no idea what to say, except thank you.” Kiara clears her throat several times before continuing. “Thank you so much. Thank you for taking this opportunity to do something so impactful for the environment. To save these helpless, endangered sea turtles.” Kiara is horrified to feel warm tears gathering in her eyes, and she blinks rapidly in an attempt to banish them.

“It’s a good cause,” Ward says, his blue eyes calm and piercing as he regards her with something like amusement. And then he tries to add something else, but Kiara can’t hear him over the noise of the crowd.

“What was that, sir?” Kiara leans in closer, straining to hear him clearly.

“My kids talk highly of you, Kiara. Especially my son.” As Ward pulls away, his cold facade warms for a moment, and he smiles at Kiara with a knowing twinkle in his eye. Then he pats Kiara’s arm and makes his way back to the stage, disappearing into the crowd. Kiara stays rooted to the ground after he leaves, her mind reeling as puzzle pieces slowly click into place. Realization hits her like a truck, and Kiara unfreezes with a jolt. 

She searches the sea of people around her frantically. Is she wrong? She can’t be wrong about this. She feels it in her bones. And then she senses more than hears the front door opening, and she swears the crowd parts slightly before her eyes, clearing a path to the entrance of the venue. Just inside the door, Kiara finally finds the face she’s been searching for. She can finally admit to herself that it’s the most beautiful face she’s ever seen in her life. She watches as Rafe walks in her direction, his blue eyes sparkling even from afar. 

Chapter Text

Before Kiara is conscious of the movement, her feet carry her through clusters of people towards the front entrance of the venue. She thinks multiple people try to get her attention, but she can’t hear anything except a dull roar in her ears as she approaches Rafe. His eyes are similarly locked onto her as he takes a few steps forward before pausing, wanting to maintain some distance between the two of them and the rest of the crowd. Rafe’s hair looks newly trimmed, his short bangs lying neat but uneven on his tanned forehead, and the dirty-blonde hair that falls down the back of his head ends just below his ears. He’s wearing an emerald green suit with a white collared shirt underneath, and the first few buttons are open to reveal the smooth, taut skin underneath.

Kiara takes in all of this and none of it, trying desperately to avoid eye contact as she stops a few feet away from Rafe. She fidgets with the straps of her dress and pushes rogue strands of hair out of her face, trying to keep her hands busy. When she finally stops stalling and forces herself to look up at Rafe, his expression is so tender that it pulls painfully at her sore heartstrings. Her body begs her to move closer to him. No, she tells herself sternly. You can’t give in so easily.

“What are you doing here?” Kiara breaks the loaded silence between them, and she watches as Rafe sucks in a small, relieved breath. “Isn’t there a DKE formal tonight? I heard they got reinstated after some ‘sensitivity trainings.’” Kiara wrinkles her nose at the empty words, getting angry all over again.

“I wouldn’t know,” Rafe replies, his voice deep and silky smooth. Kiara is surprised at how nice it is to hear his voice after nearly a month without speaking. “I quit.”

Kiara tries to keep the surprise off her face as she crosses her arms over her chest. She watches as Rafe’s eyes follow the movement and briefly flit down to her accentuated chest, before rising quickly back to her face. Kiara feels heat zip through her entire body. “Then why are you late?” Even now, with a tsunami of emotions raging within her, Kiara can’t help but give him shit. Rafe doesn’t seem surprised in the slightest; in fact, he looks amused, like he was expecting this all along.

“Lacrosse game. I came as soon as I could.” He flashes her a lopsided grin, holding his hands up in supplication. The implication of his words sends another wave of emotion crashing over Kiara. Rafe knew when this event was. He planned around it, to make sure he could be here. And most impressively- Kiara’s train of thought is cut off by a roar from the crowd behind them, as Ward is ushered back onto the stage for a photo. She glances briefly over her shoulder at the commotion before turning back to Rafe. His piercing eyes haven’t left her since he entered the building.

“You. You did this?” Kiara finishes her train of thought out loud. She takes the smallest step towards Rafe, but even the slight change in proximity is enough to make her breathing quicken and her skin tingle.

“Well, technically Ward did,” Rafe admits, running one hand through his hair. Kiara’s chest fills with warmth at the familiar anxious gesture. “But I would be lying if I said he came up with the idea on his own.”

“I thought you said trying to save the environment was lame,” Kiara fights hard against the emotions filling her chest, that threaten to spill out of her.

“First, I didn’t say that. I don’t think saving the environment is lame.” Rafe pauses, taking a second to steel himself. “I don’t think caring about things is lame. Even if it seemed that way in the past.” His blue eyes are clear and resolute as he holds Kiara’s skeptical gaze.

“Who are you, and what have you done with Rafe Cameron?” She jokes to break the tension, but it lingers stubbornly in the air between them.

“Rafe Cameron? Is he here? We need him for a picture!” Someone passing by with a camera in hand overhears their conversation and ushers them towards the stage, where Ward and a few others are waiting to take a photo. When Kiara glances back into Rafe’s look of dread, she’s struck with sudden inspiration. She reaches behind her and laces her fingers through his, pulling him off to the side and jogging through the crowd of people to reach the other side of the room. As they’re running past one of the refreshment tables, Kiara watches as Rafe and Kenny make brief eye contact, with the latter’s eyes flickering unhappily to their interlocked fingers. She ignores a brief pang of guilt as she pulls Rafe behind a large pillar, out of the nosy photographer’s line of sight.

“Great going, Kie. I’m sure they won’t be looking for us now,” Rafe says between laughs, pressing himself up against the pillar.

“You were looking a little camera shy,” Kiara says with a slight smirk. “I thought I would help you out.” She drops Rafe’s hand but stays close, and he swears he can feel the heat radiating off her skin. “How did you get your dad to donate that much money for the conservancy, Rafe?” Kiara asks softly, searching his face with inquisitive eyes. “He doesn’t exactly strike me as the environmental type.”

“I can be pretty convincing, when I want to be,” Rafe replies cryptically, trying to avoid giving a straight answer. I know , Kiara nearly responds without thinking, as a hundred moments of just how convincing Rafe can be flash through her mind in quick succession.

“Rafe. Did you blackmail your own father?” Kiara squints her eyes in mock suspiciousness.

“Maybe. There are things I know about his business he wouldn’t want getting out,” Rafe retorts, and Kiara honestly can’t tell if he’s joking. She opens her mouth to respond but is distracted as Kenny appears in her peripheral vision, passing by their ‘hiding’ spot on his way to the restrooms. Rafe watches as Kiara and Kenny share a brief, loaded glance. There’s a moment of silence as he debates what to say, if anything at all.

“I’m sorry if I interrupted, by the way. You can get back to Kenny, if you want.” Rafe scratches his head uncomfortably. “I know you’ve been hanging out a lot lately,” he blurts out before he can stop himself. He winces as Kiara raises her eyebrows, likely realizing that he’s been keeping tabs on her even though they haven’t been speaking.

“Kenny? I think Kenny’s a little busy.” Kiara nods in his direction, and Rafe realizes that Kenny didn’t go to the restroom after all. He was waiting for a girl to come out, and she returns to his side with a warm smile now. “And even if he was interested…” Kiara hesitates, fiddling with her rings before raising her eyes again. “I was hoping you would come tonight, Rafe,” she admits, hoping it’s close enough to what she really wants to say. I missed you. I’ve been waiting for you to reach out.

Kiara’s heart lurches at the surprise evident on Rafe’s face, like this is something he didn’t expect her to say. “But you said…you said you’d moved on. That day on campus.” His voice is barely above a whisper, and Kiara leans in to keep his soft words trapped between them.

“I lied, dummy,” Kiara says with exasperated fondness, but her voice is soft as velvet. “Do you always believe everything you’re told?” At her gentle teasing, the surprise on Rafe’s face gives way to a warmer emotion, and his eyes glint mischievously.

“When a pretty girl is the one talking? Kinda.” Rafe’s eyes flit down to Kiara’s pink lips, and she finds herself holding her breath in anticipation.

“Don’t flirt with me,” Kiara scolds Rafe, but her body contradicts her words as she moves closer to him, reducing the space between them to mere inches.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Rafe lies. Right as Kiara feels the ghost of his fingers as they reach to wrap around her waist, the moment is shattered by someone calling Rafe’s name again. He releases a small huff of annoyance, and Kiara shivers at the feeling of his breath on her lips. He glances around the pillar before turning back to Kiara.

“Do you wanna get out of here?” Rafe looks nervous as he asks the bold question, but Kiara nods wordlessly before she can think better of it. Rafe laces his fingers through hers and tugs her towards the stairwell without another word, like he’s scared she’ll change her mind. Not an unreasonable fear, Kiara acknowledges. Rafe’s long strides up the stairs leave Kiara struggling to keep up, especially in her cumbersome heels. He notices her struggling and slows down to match her pace with an apologetic smile. “Sorry. Do you need me to carry you?” He’s teasing, but Kiara pretends to yank her hand away in protest. Rafe holds firm and pulls Kiara up the final few stairs to their destination, to the door that leads to the venue’s rooftop garden. The space is lush and colorful, with golden honeysuckle and purple hydrangeas lining the perimeter of a large herb garden. There are benches situated around the garden, and warm string lights hanging from the lattice overhead provide the only illumination on the roof. Kiara guesses that the space would be popular on a night without the light drizzle currently falling around them. Rafe pulls her under the cover of a small canopy, but once they’re under it Kiara untangles her hand from his and steps back. She pretends to fix her dress and hair, but she’s really buying herself time to catch her breath and organize her thoughts, to try and think clearly despite Rafe’s proximity. Why on earth did she agree to come up here with him?

“You know you can’t buy my forgiveness, right? I’m ethically opposed to bribes,” Kiara finally speaks up, mostly to fill the deafening silence on the small rooftop. Now that they’re up here alone, the still spring air quiet except for the muffled sound of the live band filtering out of a ground story window, Kiara starts to retreat into herself. She eyes Rafe warily, like she’s just remembered why she was mad in the first place. Rafe’s heart clenches at the guarded look in her eyes, but he forces himself to keep his tone light.

“No, of course not. But I thought a few brownie points couldn’t hurt.” Kiara doesn’t crack a smile at Rafe’s attempt at levity. Her brown eyes, usually so warm and welcoming, are cold and intense under her dark eyeliner.

“What did you really say to your dad?” The question catches Rafe off guard, and he jumps slightly as a few drops of rain splash onto his suit jacket from the canopy above.

“What do you mean?” His eyebrows draw together in confusion, but Kiara doesn’t buy it.

“He told me you spoke highly of me, after he pledged his donation. What did you say to him?” Rafe suppresses a groan at his dad’s meddling, even though it was well-intentioned. Thanks a lot, Ward.

“I just told him the truth,” Rafe replies, hoping she’ll drop it, knowing instinctively that she won’t. Kiara rolls her eyes at his cryptic response.

“Which is what?” Kiara crosses her arms over her chest, stubborn as ever. Rafe decides to pivot to a different tactic.

“Kie, listen. There’s been something I’ve been wanting to say to you for months.” Kiara’s raises her eyebrows skeptically but doesn’t interrupt him. Rafe takes a deep breath to prepare for the plunge. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, for everything. I know an apology isn’t enough but…you were right about all of it. Everything you said, about me, my friends, my frat. My life .” Rafe runs a hand down his face, looking distraught. “I’m here tonight because you were right. I was cruel, and I was a coward, and I was selfish. I hate the way I acted, the way I treated you. The way I treated everyone. And I wanted to try and make up for it, even if it isn’t possible to do that.” Rafe searches Kiara’s face for any kind of reaction, but her expression remains stony and unreadable. “And that doesn’t mean… just know this isn’t quid pro quo. You don’t owe me for anything. I just…didn’t want to be a jerk anymore.” Rafe is restless as he finishes speaking, itching to reach out to Kiara as he waits for a response. He runs his hands along his pants nervously, but Kiara stands completely still, not moving a muscle.

“Why are you avoiding the question?” Kiara presses, her mouth settling into a harsh line as the rain starts to tap louder on the canopy overhead.

“Can you just let me apologize, Kie?” Rafe can’t keep the exasperation out of his voice. “ Do you always have to make everything so goddamn difficult?”

“What did you say to your dad, Rafe?” Kiara steps closer to make herself heard over the steadily intensifying rain.

“You know what I told him. Don’t make me say it out loud just to punish me, Kie,” Rafe replies, hints of desperation and anguish leaking into his muted voice. He thinks he sees an emotion flit briefly across Kiara’s face, something mirroring his own anguish, but it disappears before he can be sure. Kiara doesn’t say anything in response, and Rafe knows he either has to answer her question or walk away entirely. He knows he can’t walk away, so he prepares to bear his heart to this stubborn, unrelenting, radiant girl, knowing she’ll most likely take his exposed heart and rip it to shreds.

“I didn’t like myself when you came into my life again, Kiara. I don’t even know if I was consciously aware that I didn’t. It’s something I’ve struggled with for so long that I guess I just got used to it. But then you came to UNC and you…you showed me there were different sides to myself. Better sides.” Kiara’s face doesn’t change, but her breathing is shallower now. “It turns out that I don’t like being a guy who doesn’t give a shit about anything, who’s too cool to care about the people around him, who doesn’t stand up for what’s right if it’s not in his best interest. I don’t like being a guy that fucks around.” Rafe watches as his reference to her own words finally cracks Kiara’s defenses, sending her carefully constructed walls tumbling down. She takes a shuddering breath to steady herself. “I like being the guy who’s there for the people in his life, who does nice things because he can, who believes in things and fights for them. I like doing well in biology, being there for my sister, putting my all into things, and actually saying what I feel. And I’m not saying some corny shit like ‘you fixed’ me, because you didn’t. You made me want to fix me, and that’s so much better. I want to be someone I like, and I like who I am around you. That’s what I told my dad, Kie.” Rafe’s voice catches slightly on her name. “Falling in love with you made me realize that I can be that guy all the time. I can be a guy who deserves you. But I know it’s too late for any of this to make a difference now. I know I screwed everything up - I had my chance with you and I lost it, and it’s because I didn’t act like someone that deserved your love in the first place.” Rafe’s chest is heaving with emotion as he finishes talking, and tears blur his vision. He swats one from his cheek impatiently, trying to clear his vision so he can see Kiara’s face again.

“You’re an idiot,” Kiara says softly, but her eyes dance with several conflicted emotions. Her eyelashes flutter lightly against the soft, caramel skin of her cheek as she stares at Rafe. He has no idea what she’s thinking.

“I know,” Rafe whispers hoarsely, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously as he waits for her to say more. He hopes she has more to say.

“You’re an idiot, and you’re a Kook, and I should hate you for the way you’ve treated me.” Rafe’s not even aware of the tears falling silently down his cheeks until Kiara takes a tentative step forward and brushes one away from his right cheek with the pad of her thumb. His eyes snap to her face in surprise, taken aback by the tender gesture. “But you weren’t wrong about everything. You were right about me.” Rafe opens his mouth to protest, but Kiara silences him with a gentle shake of her head. “For as long as I can remember, I’ve been so scared of being rejected for who I really am. It started with my parents and it only got worse when I went to the Kook high school. And then with the shit that happened with Topper, and my ex, I started to be scared of being vulnerable in any way.” Kiara watches as Rafe’s fists clench with anger at the mention of these past experiences. “So I took all those fears and I patched them into an armor that no one could ever penetrate. And after years of that…I forgot how to be real with people, how to be real with myself, even. I stopped letting anyone in, and the truth is that I’ve been so fucking lonely.” Kiara’s eyes hold such devastating sadness that Rafe aches to reach for her and comfort her somehow, but he keeps his hands to himself. “I forgot how to let people see me, how to let people love me, because I was so obsessed with this idea of what I should be like. And then I started spending time around you, and I didn’t have to pretend to be anything. Because we already hated each other. That’s what I told myself, anyway.” Kiara’s watery smile doesn’t touch her eyes. “But whatever the reason was initially, when I was around you, it was so easy not to pretend. After a while I could just…be. I felt safe. I felt accepted. I felt free. I felt like I freed this person that I had locked away all those years ago to keep her from getting hurt. I didn’t realize that I’d become a shell of myself until I started spending time with you.” Tears pool in Kiara’s eyes, sparkling at the edges of her long lashes, but she doesn’t let them fall. Rafe marvels at her grace and devastating beauty, clear even through her sadness.

“So, if you love me-“ Kiara starts, each word shaking more than the last.

“More than anything,” Rafe interjects quietly, but the words are clear and resolute. He’s never been so sure of anything in his life.

“What I’m saying is, the freedom I feel around you means that you love the realest version of me. Do you know how special that is? I’m not willing to give that up. I don’t know if I’ve had that in my whole life, not since I was a little kid.” Kiara’s words spill out of her with such passion that she almost sounds angry. She laughs a little at herself and shakes her head, making the delicate strands of hair hanging in front of her face sway. “And maybe it’s dumb of me to forgive you. You do have three strikes, after all. The aquarium, the ‘girlfriend’ incident, lying to me about all the frat shit.” As Kiara counts his transgressions off on her fingers, Rafe’s heart lurches nervously. He averts his eyes, ashamed of all the ways he’s fucked up with her. But Kiara takes another step forward and lifts his chin with the fingers of her left hand. The cool metal of her rings kiss Rafe’s flushed skin, and he shudders at the sensation. “But luckily for you, I’m not a big fan of baseball. I’m more fond of lacrosse myself.” Kiara’s eyes are still shining with unshed tears, but Rafe can see the laughter in them clearly now. She’s not upset, like he thought. She’s nearly crying because she’s happy.

Even though he can read it on her face, Rafe can’t bring himself to believe it. Not without hearing the words. He raises a hand to wrap around hers, clutching her fingers like they’re his only tether to the ground. “Kiara, what are you saying?”

“Everyone makes mistakes, Rafe. I’ve made plenty. But you haven’t just told me that you’re sorry. You’ve shown me that you are, and I can see the honesty in your actions. And forgiveness is always a part of love.” Kiara pauses, moving her hands to grip Rafe’s wrists, pulling him towards her and forcing him to look into her eyes. Tears are flowing freely down her beautiful face, leaving faint tracks in her makeup, but she makes no attempt to wipe them away. “I can forgive you, because I love you, too, Rafe. Obviously.” Her words hit him like a lightning strike, setting his whole body aflame. Rafe inhales, trying to calm himself, but the air burns like smoke in his lungs. It won’t matter what else he does; he won’t be able to breathe again until his lips are on Kiara’s. Rafe leans down slightly to cradle her face between his hands, his fingers caressing the soft hair at the nape of her neck, but as he draws Kiara closer he hesitates. He searches her face for any residual doubt or fear, wanting to make sure it’s not just the heat of the moment motivating her forgiveness.

“Kiara, are you sure that-“ Rafe begins, but she cuts him off fiercely, her eyes bright with indignation, passion, and lust.

“Don’t even finish that sentence. I decide what’s best for me. I choose this. I choose you, Rafe. Fucking deal with it.” Before he can even process the weight of her words, Kiara and Rafe are crashing together in a passionate embrace, all teeth and tongue and tangled limbs. Rafe’s not sure who moved first to close the final inches between them, but desperation radiates off them equally as they come together for the first time in months. Rafe’s fingers slip under the thin fabric of Kiara’s dress to grab at the smooth skin of her waist, and Kiara gasps into his mouth at the feeling of his warm skin on hers.

“You look so fucking gorgeous in this, Kie. You’re so goddamn beautiful. It’s taking everything in me not to rip this off you right now,” Rafe purrs into the tender hollow of her neck, nipping lightly at the skin there. Kiara’s soft moan makes Rafe’s head spin, and they both lose their balance for a moment on the rain-slicked ground. They stumble out from under the small canopy, still tangled together, and Kiara doesn’t even flinch at the rain falling down her face as she pulls Rafe by the collar towards the wall behind her. Rafe eyes her hungrily as he backs her into the coarse brick, savoring the way her pupils are blown out, admiring the way the rain runs down her chest and disappears under the fitted dress. He itches to explore what else is under that dress. Kiara gasps again as Rafe roughly pushes her hips into the wall and hikes one of her legs around his waist. He bites down lightly on Kiara’s plump bottom lip as his fingers explore the smooth skin of her inner thighs greedily. He relishes the way she shudders as his fingers dip under the lace of her underwear ever so slightly.

“Rafe,” Kiara moans breathlessly, capturing his lips in another desperate kiss and pulling him even closer. The cool rain that blankets them is a stark contrast to the warmth radiating from Kiara, so Rafe takes a second to lick cool droplets off of Kiara’s collarbone before pulling his mouth back to hers. She tangles her tongue with Rafe’s as he experimentally dips two fingers beneath her underwear, and Kiara releases a strangled groan into his mouth as the fingers enter her. He swallows the sound and moves to slip off her underwear completely, but Kiara pushes him back by his broad shoulders, looking exasperated and amused. Kiara tries in vain to distract herself by wiping water droplets from Rafe’s suit jacket, the green fabric so wet that it almost looks black. He loosens his grip on Kiara for a moment to shuck the jacket off, and Kiara watches appreciatively as the rain turns the white fabric see-through. Rafe’s toned muscles strain against the wet shirt, and Kiara immediately forgets any protestations she had. Rafe takes the opportunity to pull her into another bruising, filthy kiss.

“We can’t” Kiara begins, before Rafe interrupts by pressing his mouth to hers again, “fuck here,” she soldiers on bravely between kisses. “Parents,” a breathy moan, a teasing finger, “downstairs.” She’s shocked by the sudden removal of Rafe’s weight from her body, and she blinks rapidly through the rain falling into her eyes. When her vision clears, Kiara sees Rafe standing with a hand held out to her, his suit jacket hanging limply from his shoulder.

“Then let’s get the hell out of here,” he smirks, a mischievous twinkle battling the unbridled lust in his eyes. Kiara grips his wet hand in her own and pushes herself out from the rough wall with a disbelieving laugh.

“Men,” Kiara teases, shaking her head. Damp strands of hair hang limply in front of her face as they stand exposed in the rain. “Always thinking with the wrong head.”

“I think it’s definitely the right head, at the moment.” Rafe grins, his eyes glinting in the dim glow from the string lights above. Before Kiara can even roll her eyes, Rafe tugs her out of the rain and into the echoing stairwell, the wet squish of their shoes reverberating as they descend to the ground floor. They’re so caught up in each other, in their own little world, that Kiara doesn’t even think about their next move until they’re about to exit the stairwell. It’s only then that she remembers that there’s still an event going on, and they’re about to enter it soaked to the bone, looking like wet rats.

“Wait, Rafe, what’s the plan??” Kiara hisses as they burst out of the stairwell onto the main level, into a mercifully empty part of the room. Empty, that is, except for Pope and Cleo, who stand near the entrance to the stairwell and stare at their drenched figures in horror.

“What the hell happened to you guys?” Pope asks incredulously, his mouth hanging open.

“We got, uh, wet,” Rafe offers lamely, as the water dripping from their soaked clothes starts to form small puddles on the floor. Kiara shoots him a scathing look.

“We can see that, genius. You’re making a goddamn mess!” Cleo scolds, looking around to see if anyone else has noticed the commotion. The crowd is thinning out as the event winds down, but she knows both Kiara’s parents and Rafe’s dad are around here somewhere.

“We have to go home and change. Think you can handle things from here?” Kiara asks apologetically, but she’s already steering Rafe towards the side door of the venue. They really have no choice - it’s not like they can face their parents like this, let alone the richest people in the tristate area.

Cleo shoos them away with a look of fond exasperation. “Yah, get out of here, you heathens. You owe me!”

“Love you guys!” Kiara calls over her shoulder, ushering Rafe through the side door right as her mom starts to turn in their direction from across the room. “Go, go, go, my mom’s going to see us!” She hisses as she shuts the door, and they escape out of the building and onto a narrow boardwalk that runs alongside the building and the adjacent waterfront. The rain has slowed to a drizzle. When Kiara turns back to Rafe after making sure the coast is clear, he’s crouching down with his hands on his knees.

“Hop on!” He instructs over his shoulder, pushing his damp hair back from his forehead.

“You’re out of your mind!” Kiara laughs, shoving him lightly from behind. Rafe doesn’t budge; instead, he reaches a hand back and grabs Kiara’s thigh with his strong fingers, pulling her closer.

“Come on, it’ll get us to the car faster.” Kiara can’t resist the smile in his voice, how happy and carefree he sounds for once. So she places her hands on his broad shoulders and hops onto his back, feeling his muscles flex under the damp fabric of his transparent dress shirt.

“This is stupid,” Kiara giggles as Rafe darts forward so quickly that she nearly topples backwards. “Where are we even rushing off to?”

“Somewhere private, where I can finally strip these pesky clothes off you,” Rafe pants, aiming to sound sexy but really just sounding out of breath. Kiara leans down and presses a soft kiss to Rafe’s earlobe as they near his Range Rover, and she relishes the way that his whole body shudders under her touch. Part of it might be that he’s cold, as well;Kiara certainly finds herself shivering and covered in goosebumps as Rafe sets her haphazardly onto the ground.

“Somewhere a lot less cold and wet, preferably,” Kiara grits out through chattering teeth as Rafe opens the passenger door and she climbs inside. He jogs to the driver’s side and hops in, turning the car on and cranking the heat. He runs a hand through his hair, trying to shake out some of the dampness before giving up. Kiara sits in the passenger seat and holds her hands up to the vents of the car, trying to thaw herself.

“I think I know a place that’ll work,” Rafe replies as he puts the car in drive, a sly grin stretched across his handsome face. Kiara doesn’t say it out loud, but she knows in this moment that she’d follow him anywhere.

———————————————————————

After a brief stop at Tannyhill to grab extra clothes and a different set of keys, Rafe leaves his car in the driveway. He leads Kiara to a dark and narrow path around the side of the house that leads down towards the water. At the end of the path is a dock that runs along a quaint boathouse, which sits unlit and quiet under the cloudy night sky. Kiara eyes the small building skeptically as they approach, her heels crunching in the gravel. She can’t wait to take these stupid shoes off.

“We’re going to your boathouse? What happens if your dad or Sarah comes back?”

“They’ll assume I’m in the house, not here,” Rafe answers with a shrug. “And if not…I’ll put a sock on the door.” He pulls Kiara into the open structure and past the boats, before leading her through an interior door and kicking it shut behind them. The pale moonlight filtering in through the boathouse’s windows gives them enough light to work with, so Rafe doesn’t flick on any of the light switches, but he does move to one corner of the living area to turn on a space heater. The interior portion of the boathouse resembles a small studio apartment; there’s a full-sized bed, a pullout sofa, a small kitchenette, and a short hallway off the living area that Kiara assumes leads to the bathroom. Rafe draws the curtains facing Tannyhill shut, blocking most of the silvery moonlight from entering the space. Kiara admires him as her eyes adjust to the darkness, and heat flashes through her body as he rucks off his collared shirt, leaving his tanned, chiseled upper body completely exposed.

“I’m still cold,” Kiara whispers into the still night air. But she’s not shivering from her body temperature now. Her body is reacting to Rafe’s proximity; she’s desperate to get his hands on her, her body begging for a release from the tension that’s been building for months. The air hums with electricity as Rafe draws closer, his eyes glinting like a predator’s as they rake up and down Kiara’s body. He looks like he wants to devour her, and Kiara’s almost ashamed to admit how badly she wants to be consumed. Almost.

“You won’t be for long.” Rafe reaches around to untie the straps holding her dress up while pressing a soft kiss to the hollow of her neck. Kiara’s whole body shudders from his touch, and she reaches greedily for the buttons of his pants as the top half of her dress falls away from her body. Rafe sucks in a ragged breath as he appreciates Kiara’s naked upper half, kicking off his damp pants without tearing his eyes away.

“I can’t believe you’re real,” Rafe breathes out the words reverently, running his rough hands down Kiara’s shoulders to her breasts, cupping the sensitive skin there with gentle hands. “Are you sure I’m not dreaming?”

“If this was a dream, I’d hope I look better than I do right now,” Kiara jokes, trying to avoid looking in the room’s single mirror. She already saw enough of her tangled hair and smudged eyeliner in the car. Rafe frowns like she’s insulted him personally as he bends over and rips the bottom of her dress away from her legs. He trails kisses from her calves all the way up to her belly button before he remembers what she said. He presses their bodies together and cups Kiara’s face in his hands, forcing her to look into his piercing blue eyes.

“You’ve never looked sexier, Kie,” he assures her, tracing feather-light kisses along her jaw before dropping to nuzzle at her neck, knowing it’s one of the spots that drives her craziest.

“Yeah right,” Kiara retorts, trying to roll her eyes at him, but instead they just roll back in her head as Rafe bites and licks at the sensitive skin of her neck. Her fingers dig into his shoulders when he focuses on one particularly sensitive spot; Kiara thinks absentmindedly that he’s going to leave a bruise, but she doesn’t care. In fact, the thought of being marked by Rafe makes her legs clench together in arousal, and she feels the wetness gathering between her thighs.

“I mean it,” Rafe replies when he finally pulls away from her neck, his lips slick with his own spit. The faint, silvery light from outside drains the color out of everything, and Kiara admires how Rafe looks almost like a timeless, flawless Greek statue in the pale moonlight. “And I can’t wait to look at your pretty face the whole time I fuck you,” he continues, licking his lips and starting to reach for her underwear.

Kiara is struck by sudden inspiration at his words, and she takes a small step backwards, much to Rafe’s displeasure. She places her palms on Rafe’s bare chest and pushes him towards the bed, a devious smile tugging at her lips. “Not yet. Sit down for me and close your eyes.” Rafe perches on the bed and looks at Kiara curiously for a moment before shutting his eyes, intending to peek out through his lashes to see what she’s doing. But Kiara must read his mind, because she presses two light kisses to each of his eyelids, making them flutter shut.

“No cheating, or you’re not getting anything tonight.” Smooth skin brushes the part of his thighs not covered by fabric, and Rafe shudders as fingers caress the head of his dick through his thin underwear. The motion of her deft fingers and the fact that Rafe hasn’t had sex in months means that his dick quickly stands at attention. His lashes flutter slightly, and he hears Kiara tsk at him disapprovingly.

“Eyes stay closed, daddy,” she purrs, and with that sultry command Rafe is completely hard. He hears the rustle of fabric as Kiara strips his underwear off, and he sucks in a sharp breath as he feels Kiara’s full lips close around the head of his cock.

“Fuck, Kie, your mouth feels amazing,” Rafe groans as she flattens her tongue and runs it along the length of his dick a few times before pulling away. He grunts in disapproval until he hears what sounds like Kiara spitting, and he shudders as warm, sticky wetness drips down his bare cock. He groans as soft fingertips spread the spit around the head of his dick and down the rest of his length.

“Does this feel even better?” Kiara teases, and Rafe doesn’t even have time to ask what she’s talking about before he feels the delicious heat of her. She slowly lowers herself onto his lap and works herself down the length of him. They gasp in tandem as he slides inside her tight pussy with little resistance, aided by the lubrication from Kiara’s own spit. Rafe’s eyes fly open of their own accord.

“Fuck,” Rafe growls as he watches the smooth skin of Kiara’s back tense and writhe with the effort of moving up and down on his cock while facing away from him. He brushes her still-damp hair away from her shoulders before encircling her waist in a vice grip, his grasp so firm that he thinks it might bruise the delicate skin. He leans forward to lick and bite at the unblemished, caramel skin of Kiara’s back, and heat flashes through his entire body as he realizes that Kiara is using one hand to support herself while the other rubs intently at her clit. Her breathing is already shallow and labored, and Rafe notices a light sheen of sweat forming on her back. “Good fucking girl. Are you going to cum for daddy already? Were you really so eager for this cock?” He lifts one hand to run his fingers along Kiara’s bottom lip, and he groans in satisfaction as she pulls his thumb into her mouth and sucks intently, swirling her tongue around the digit for a few moments before releasing it with a satisfying pop.

“Shut up and fuck me,” Kiara demands, still moving sensually and deliberately in his lap with an undulating back and forth motion of her hips. Rafe decides not to speed things up but to deepen them instead, so he grips the back of her neck with one firm hand and pulls her closer, giving him more leverage to grind into her from behind. His hands reach greedily for Kiara’s chest, and he lightly twists her hardened nipples when his hands find purchase. “Oh shit,” Kiara groans, her nails digging into his thighs as she nears her climax. “Oh fuck, daddy.”

“That’s it baby,” Rafe coaxes, his dick throbbing with pleasure as Kiara tightens around him. “You’re so sexy when you cum for me.” She throws her head back onto his shoulder and lets out a loud, broken moan, her pussy pulsing deliciously for the length of her release. When her body relaxes and her breathing slows slightly, Rafe presses a final kiss to her back before lifting her and turning her to face him, her body pliant and her eyes glazed over.

“Are you still on the pill?” Rafe asks as he flips Kiara over onto the mattress beneath them, pressing a kiss to the inside of each of her thighs as he pulls her to the edge of the bed. He can’t help but dip his head between her thighs to lap greedily at her sensitive clit for a few moments, savoring her trembling legs and the way she squirms from overstimulation.

“No,” Kiara replies when Rafe raises his head again, and his eyes widen in alarm for one panic-filled moment. “I have an IUD, now,” she grins, her eyes playful. “Got it put in last month. Less hassle.”

“I missed so much. I’m out of the loop,” Rafe pouts. He means the words to come out as a joke, but he can hear the sadness in them. Apparently Kiara can too, because he watches as her features instantly soften, her gaze turning molten and syrupy sweet.

“But you’re here now,” Kiara reassures him, pulling him onto the bed between her legs. Rafe settles onto his knees before leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to Kiara’s lips, the tender movement surprising her after the quick and dirty sex they just had.

“I missed you, Kie,” Rafe breathes into the millimeters of space between their lips. Kiara trembles at the emotion in his voice, at the tenderness and reverence in every one of his actions tonight. The shift between them emotionally seems to be impacting them physically as well, leaving Kiara feeling raw and exposed in a way she never was before. She pushes down the familiar urge to run, to make a joke, to do something to sidestep any real vulnerability, and forces herself to meet Rafe’s scorching gaze instead.

“I missed you too, Rafe.” She wrestles back tears as he presses a soft kiss to her nose before grabbing her thighs and pulling her legs up to settle on his shoulders. He reaches around her to pull a pillow from the top of the bed, placing it beneath her lower back to give him easier access to her body, but Kiara’s impatience finally gets the best of her as he tries to make sure she’s comfortable. She reaches desperately for Rafe as he settles onto his knees and lines up to enter her, blurting out the first words that come to mind.

“Touch me, please. Touch me like you love me,” Kiara whispers before she realizes the words are leaving her mouth, and she watches as Rafe reacts to her request. His body tenses as the air is punched from his lungs, and his eyes burn with emotion so intense that Kiara thinks he might be staring straight through her, right into her soul. He yanks Kiara towards him and bites at the skin of her calf as he presses his dick inside her, the sudden pressure making her gasp and squirm. After months apart, Rafe rocks his hips in a small, shallow motion to allow her to get used to the stretch. “Feels so good when you’re fucking me open, daddy,” Kiara adds, her last syllable dissolving into a drawn out moan as Rafe finally pushes in as far as she can take him. Her words send lust spiraling through his entire body, and Rafe starts to thrust into her rapidly, relishing the sharp sound of skin slapping skin, drinking in the broken sound of Kiara’s moans as they’re punched out of her chest. Her hands scramble for purchase as Rafe fucks into her, landing on the taut plane of his abdomen. She traces the lines on his stomach absentmindedly, savoring every inch of his body that she can touch.

“You drive me crazy,” Rafe grits out through clenched teeth, his fingers digging into the soft flesh of Kiara’s thighs as sweat starts to roll down his temples from exertion. “But if you wanted me to say I love you again, you could have just asked.” Kiara flushes from head to toe as Rafe grabs her ankles and pushes her legs towards her head, bending her knees so he can move closer to her face. He presses a kiss to each cheek before moving to her pink, swollen lips. Rafe gently brushes Kiara’s tangled curls away from her face, the tender action sharply contrasted by the deep thrusts that take him as far into her as possible. “I love you, Kiara,” he whispers into her neck. The quiet words are a confession, filled to the brim with all the things he wanted to say before he had the courage. He says Kiara’s name like a promise, to her and himself, that they can put the past behind them; that tonight isn’t a fluke, that it’s the start of something new and different. Of something real .

When Rafe pulls back and plants his hands on both sides of her head to give himself more leverage, Kiara sees all the unsaid words in his eyes. She wants to tell him that she feels the same way, that they can finally let go of the past and create something new. But the words get caught in her throat, thick emotion tightening her airways and making it hard to breathe. “Rafe, I….” She attempts, but she can’t force any more words out.

“I know, Kie. I know you.” Rafe swallows her protests, his lips capturing hers again and again until she stops trying to talk, every kiss more passionate and sloppy than the last. And because Rafe knows Kiara, he wraps his long fingers around her neck and squeezes, knowing that choking her will bring about her climax at the same speed that he’s hurtling towards his own. As she alternates between gasping for breath and reaching for Rafe’s lips, Kiara doesn’t think about anything except his mouth on her mouth, his skin slipping against her skin. The way they’re pressed together all along the length of her body makes Kiara feel like she’s touching a live wire, with each new sensation electrifying all the nerves in her body. Still, she greedily wraps her ankles around Rafe’s waist, pulling him in until there’s no space at all between them, like she wants to press against his naked body until they absorb into one. Kiara loses herself in the sensations of teeth and tongue and Rafe pressing inside of her, letting herself enjoy the freedom that comes with feeling safe and truly known. Her body and mind, so often separate and fighting, finally feel at peace in this moment, under the all-encompassing heat of Rafe’s embrace. She feels warmth spreading in her chest and between her thighs, the pleasure so delicious that she feels like she’s floating, and Kiara releases a long, guttural groan as she plummets over the edge of the strongest climax of her life. She writhes with pleasure as Rafe continues to thrust into her, feeling like the only thing keeping her tethered to the earth is the feeling of his skin against her skin.

When Rafe’s fingers leave her neck and she starts to comes back to herself, her awareness sharpening slightly, Kiara can tell by the look on his face that he’s not going to last much longer. His thrusts are sloppy and urgent as he licks at Kiara’s salty skin. Kiara shivers as he runs his tongue along her jaw and down her neck, all the way down to her chest so his lips can close over her left nipple. Rafe’s panting heavily when he pulls back, and sweat beads on his brow above his bright, lust-filled eyes. Kiara feels him try to pull out so he can finish outside her body, but she locks her ankles together so he can’t move away. Rafe’s eyes whip to her face in alarm, but Kiara looks back at him calmly, her eyes sultry and heavily-lidded as she keeps him in place.

“Kiara,” Rafe warns, his voice low and his tone cautionary, but his eyes give him away. His pupils are blown wide with lust as he eyes her naked body hungrily, and Kiara knows he wants to finish inside of her as badly as she wants it.

“All of you. Want it all, daddy,” Kiara begs, and she watches as the last shred of Rafe’s willpower dissolves. His thrusts become erratic and choppy as his cum spreads inside of her, and the heat of his release paired with the pressure of his dick makes Kiara see stars. Her eyes roll back in her head at the unfamiliar and erotic sensation, her pussy clenching desperately to keep everything inside. Rafe groans from deep in his chest and lets out a string of expletives as she tightens around him again, and Kiara watches with satisfaction as his mouth drops open and his face contorts with stronger pleasure than she’s ever seen him experience.

“Fuck, Kiara, fuck. You feel so fucking good, taking my cum like a good girl.”

“You’re telling me,” Kiara pants, desperately gasping for air. “This feels amazing.” Her nails dig into the mattress as she’s overwhelmed by a surprise orgasm, the heat and the pressure and the filthiness of the moment sending her over the edge again. “Fuck, Rafe, fuck!” Kiara calls out, her pleasure so intense that her words are almost a yell.

When her short but intense orgasm is over, Rafe pulls out quickly, the overstimulation finally getting to him. As he lays sprawled across Kiara’s abdomen, both of them gasping for breath, Kiara leans down and slaps him lightly on the shoulder. “Great stuff, dude. Go team.”

Rafe raises his head from where it’s pressed into her stomach, a look of exasperation joining his exhaustion as Kiara flashes him an enthusiastic thumbs up. “You’re fucking impossible,” he groans, staring at her for a moment before they collapse into delirious giggles.

———————————————————————

After forcing Rafe to carry her to the bathroom to clean up in the shower, Kiara lays on the small boathouse bed and stares at the ceiling, letting contentment spread through her body, savoring the sweet emptiness that occupies the space where her thoughts usually swirl anxiously.

“What are you thinking about?” Rafe asks as he fits himself next to her on the bed, fresh from his own shower. He’s wearing a clean pair of boxers, and Kiara is similarly undressed in her bra and underwear.

“Literally nothing. It’s amazing,” Kiara sighs appreciatively, running her fingers through Rafe’s damp hair, watching fondly as he settles onto her chest. They lay there in silence for a while, somewhere between sleep and wakefulness, listening to each other breathe. She’s not sure what time it actually is, but it feels late; the night is the kind of still that only arrives in the dead of the night, when not even the nocturnal animals are making a peep. All Kiara can hear is the soothing sound of gentle waves tapping against the dock outside.

“I really did miss this,” Rafe whispers, breaking the silence. Kiara knows he’s trying to be vulnerable, but she can’t help teasing him a little.

“What? Getting your dick wet?” She whispers back, poking him gently in the side.

Rafe scoffs, looking up at her with a frown. “No, give me a little more credit than that. Lying with you like this. Just being around you.” The tender words surprise Kiara, and she marvels at the ease with which affirmations seem to spill from Rafe now. Kiara knows saying nice things and being vulnerable are skills she can definitely improve upon, so she leans down and kisses him on the head to try and affirm him in a different way.

After a brief silence, Kiara laughs at a memory that pops into her mind. “I remember coming here a few times, in high school. Sarah needed my help getting the boat out when she wanted to use it, because she hadn’t learned how to handle it yet. And you were always right behind us, nagging or making fun of us.” Kiara wrinkles her nose playfully at the memory.

Rafe shakes with silent laughter. “You hated me so much back then and I knew it, but I kept bugging you anyway. I didn’t know how else to get you to talk to me. You were so scary, but I didn’t want you to stop looking at me.”

“Some things never change,” Kiara teases, but her heart rate speeds up at the implication that Rafe has been interested in her for years, even when she was stubborn and rude, even when she pushed him away at every turn. Does that mean it’s going to be just as hard to push him away now?

“Some things don’t,” he whispers. “But then again, some things do. Thank god.” Rafe’s eyes are full of hope and devotion, and Kiara is hit by the realization that he’s not going anywhere. She’s not sure how to process this information.

“Thank god,” Kiara echoes. All of a sudden, to her immense horror, she feels tears start to drip down her face before she can stop them. Her chest heaves with an emotion that she can’t identify, and Rafe scrambles to sit up next to her, cupping her face gently in his hands.

“Hey, hey, what’s the matter? Are you okay? Is it something I said?” His tender concern just makes Kiara cry harder, and his eyes widen almost comically in alarm.

“No I’m good, I don’t know why I’m crying. It’s just…” Kiara sucks in a deep breath, trying to figure out why she’s feeling so emotional.

“Just what? What are you thinking?” Rafe waits patiently for a response, his concerned eyes never leaving her face, and in the warm silence Kiara is finally able to identify the overwhelming emotion coursing through her - relief.

“I’m just so relieved. I’m so relieved that I don’t have to live my life without you in it,” Kiara admits, looking down into her lap as the tears continue to fall. “I’m just…so happy you came tonight, Rafe.” Kiara looks up into his face, watching as Rafe’s features soften impossibly at her vulnerable words. She’s reminded of the way Pope and John B looked at their girlfriends tonight, of the absolute love and adoration she saw on their faces that she envied at the time. The same look is on Rafe’s face now, and this time the feelings are directed at her. The realization makes her start crying all over again.

“You big softie,” Rafe teases, pulling Kiara in and tucking her against his warm, broad chest. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. Wouldn’t want to blow your tough girl cover.” Kiara laughs wetly in response, burying her face into his neck.

“Good, because then I’d have to kill you,” she replies once the tears finally stop. Kiara bites playfully at Rafe’s neck before pulling away and wiping at her wet face, and she watches as a devious twinkle appears in his eyes.

“You know what I’ve always wanted to do? Ever since we were younger?” He asks, his body tensing as he scoots towards the edge of the bed.

“What?” Kiara eyes Rafe warily. Whatever it is, she doesn’t think she’s going to like it, if the look on his face is any indication.

“This.” Rafe scoops Kiara off the bed before she can stop him, and she shrieks in outrage as he jogs deftly through the dark boathouse and onto the dock outside. He carries her bridal style in nothing but his underwear, racing off the dock and down a short path to the nearby beach, ignoring her protests and demands to be put down. Rafe reaches the beach in a few long strides, the cool sand squishing between his toes as he runs with determination towards the vast blackness of the ocean. He’s usually afraid of the beach at night, but with Kiara in his arms it feels new and exciting instead of scary, full of untold possibilities and treasures waiting to be discovered. Being around her has granted him so many changes in perspective, and he’ll always be grateful for that.

“Rafe, what are you doing? It’ll be freezing!!” Kiara argues half-heartedly as they reach the waterline, shivering in only her bra and underwear. But Rafe can tell she’s just arguing to argue - she’s always loved the ocean, and he can tell she’s itching to go in, even in the dead of the night.

“Come on, Kiara. Live a little.” Rafe sets her down, the freezing water bracketing their ankles and making them yelp.

“Oh shit! It’s fucking cold!” Kiara yells, jumping into Rafe’s arms again. He hoists her up so she can wrap her legs around his narrow waist, and then he walks them further out into the swirling, mysterious water.

“I’ll warm you up,” Rafe purrs into her mouth, pressing his scorching body against Kiara’s as the waves lap at their intertwined waists. Even after getting used to the chill of the water, Kiara clutches Rafe’s body and holds it against hers, overcome by an emotion that feels a lot like fear.

“I don’t know how to do this,” she confesses. Kiara, who’s wild and unruly like the ocean they’re standing in, beautiful and complex, capable of creation and destruction in equal measure. She’s always felt restless and untethered, but here in Rafe’s arms, she feels like she can calm the raging storm. She doesn’t have to wash things away before they have the chance to put down roots. She can let things come and go, can deal with life’s ebb and flow without panicking. She can weather the high tide that will inevitably come, knowing that the beach will still be there in the morning.

“I don’t either. But we’ll figure it out,” he reassures her. Rafe, who waxes and wanes like the silvery moon in the sky, constant yet ever-changing, familiar to all but somehow still aloof. He’s always felt uncertain and unappreciated in his life, but with Kiara accepting him so wholly, he feels like he can finally be himself without apology. He can be resolute and confident in his choices, only changing if he wants to, not letting external pressure dictate his life anymore.

“Hopefully you pick it up faster than you pick up biology,” Kiara retorts, unable to help herself.

“Shut up, Kie,” Rafe says fondly, silencing her with a slow and passionate kiss. They stay pressed together like that for a while, pouring into each other with only the ocean as a witness, the secrets of their hearts stored somewhere between the sea and the sky.

“I love you Rafe. I think I might love you for a long time,” Kiara admits when she pulls away, the possibility both terrifying and exciting. She searches for the same fear in Rafe’s face, but all she sees is calm assuredness, the absolute adoration and certainty she’s been craving.

“I know I will. How could I not, Kie? There’s no one else like you.” And even as Rafe says these words, they both sense that there’s something special about the two of them together, something rare and difficult to find. Together, they can face the parts of themselves that make others turn and run away. Together, they can be whole and unafraid.

Kiara feels the icy Atlantic wrap them in its embrace, and the gentle waves wash away any last reservations or doubts as she looks into Rafe’s eyes. She sees the devotion there, the naked vulnerability and love, and she opens herself up to the idea of a future with him, whatever that might bring. Nothing is ever promised in life, and that used to scare the shit out of her. But Kiara knows now that she can’t control everything, no matter how hard she tries. She can’t predict the future, and she certainly can’t control it, so she might as well face it with someone she loves by her side. Rafe’s not perfect; Kiara’s sure they’ll fight and have their struggles, but she knows that what he feels for her is real . He’s fought hard to earn her love and forgiveness, and he understands her in ways no one has before. There might be pain or heartbreak one day, sure, but right now there is love and safety. Right now, Kiara feels like her heart has found a home, a place of comfort and refuge. She looks at Rafe under the starless night sky, and she knows that’s enough for now. Maybe it’s enough for always.

Chapter Text

13 Months Later

“You’re asking for it now, Rafe!”

“Why don’t you come over here and put your money where your mouth is, JJ?”

“Guys, cut it out!!” Kiara calls, standing up from the bleachers and glaring at them with her hands on her hips. “This is supposed to be a friendly game!”

It’s a warm, early June day in the OBX, a few weeks after the last day of classes. Kiara and the other Pogues just finished their sophomore year, but Rafe is now officially a UNC graduate. His diploma just came in the mail a few days ago, but it still doesn’t feel real to Kiara. She doesn’t think it will really hit either of them until he starts law school in the fall. Kiara shakes her head to interrupt this train of thought, not wanting to think about how different things might be once Rafe starts at NCCU’s law school.

“This is friendly, for them,” Cleo points out, popping skittles into her mouth as she gazes out onto Kildare High School’s small lacrosse field. “I’m worried about Pope. Why is he holding the stick like that? Has he never played a sport in his life?”

“I don’t think so, actually,” Kiara admits with a laugh, watching as Pope jogs aimlessly around the field, his face obstructed by the bulky helmets all the players are wearing. “And he definitely doesn’t know how lacrosse works. Who set up these teams? I don’t think this is going to be a very fair game.”

“Is fairness the point? Or just our amusement?” Sarah asks brightly. “Who are you rooting for, Kiara?” She adds, eyeing John B with amusement as he hops nervously from foot to foot in front of the Pogues’ goal.

“I’m Switzerland. Totally neutral,” Kiara answers firmly, her eyes flicking from Team Pogue (John B, JJ, and Pope, dressed in red) to Team Kook (Rafe and two of his friends named Jack and Sawyer, dressed in blue because Kiara thinks Rafe looks best in it). “Wouldn’t be fair to be partial to either side.”

As the game heats up and she watches her friends face off against her boyfriend, however, Kiara gets more and more invested in the outcome. It’s mostly a showdown between Rafe and JJ, the only two that even remotely know what they’re doing, and Kiara finds herself wishing that Delina could have made it (JJ’s on again, off again girlfriend - they’re currently back on, but who knows how long it’ll last this time). JJ is deft with his lacrosse stick and fairly athletic, able to score a few goals against the Kook team with minimal help from Pope. Still, JJ can’t match Rafe’s effortless ease with a lacrosse stick after years of practice, and Kiara admires him with pride swelling in her chest. She watches as he dodges past Pope and JJ to score again and again, his strong, muscular body somehow also lithe and graceful as he darts across the field. Although Kiara just went through an entire lacrosse season where she watched Rafe play for months, she doesn’t think the sight of his sweaty, flexing muscles will ever get old. She feels a familiar warmth spread in her chest and somewhere a little lower; Kiara likes watching Rafe play in these games, running around in his cute little uniform, but the thing she really loves is peeling it off of him afterwards.

Her admiration doesn’t mean Kiara is going to take it easy on him, though. “C’MON RAFE! YOU HAVE TO CATCH THAT!!” She yells from the stands as he misses a toss from his teammate. He glances briefly in her direction, and even though the view of his face is obstructed, Kiara knows he’s rolling his eyes. He lifts up the hand not currently clutching his lacrosse stick and attempts to raise his middle finger under his bulky glove.

“Rude,” Kiara mutters under her breath, sitting back down with a huff as the boys resume playing.

“I thought you weren’t picking favorites?” Sarah shoots Kiara a look from the corner of her eye. Before Kiara can defend herself, her phone buzzes multiple times in quick succession. The texts are from one of her friends at the Nag’s Head Sea Turtle Conservancy - Kiara befriended many of the staff last summer, when she volunteered for several months while home from school.

Caroline (Conservancy): IT’S STARTING! THEY’RE HATCHING!!

GET OVER HERE ASAP!!

THE BABIES NEED YOU!

“Rafe!!” Kiara scrambles down the bleachers and runs to the fence, all thoughts of the game far from her mind. She raises her arms and starts waving at him in earnest, trying to get his attention.

One of his teammates finally taps him on the shoulder and points in her direction. Rafe immediately jogs to the fence, pulling his helmet off as he runs. A look of concern draws his handsome features taut across his face. “What’s up, baby?”

Kiara has to resist the urge to melt at his tender words and the concern in his eyes, even after more than a year together. “We gotta go! It’s happening!” She’s jumping up and down excitedly, and she watches as Rafe’s eyes light up, the competitive drive replaced by anticipation and joy. He starts to move towards a break in the fence to exit the field, but his friend Sawyer calls after him.

“Rafe, c’mon! The game’s not done!” Sawyer sounds disgruntled, but Rafe doesn’t give any indication that he notices the attitude in his friend’s tone.

“Sorry, man!” Rafe yells back. “My girlfriend and I have a date with some baby turtles.” He turns back to Kiara with a smile so wide that it fills his entire face, and Kiara can’t help but mirror it with her own.

“What?” Jack says, confusion drawing his brows together as he takes off his own mask. Instead of answering, Rafe shucks off his cumbersome gloves and leans over the fence, pulling Kiara into a fierce, bruising kiss. Kiara gasps into the kiss, surprised by the sudden intensity, before closing her eyes and leaning into the passionate embrace. Rafe cradles her chin in his warm hands, forcing her mouth open slightly with a faint press of his tongue. Kiara’s in serious danger of foregoing any semblance of restraint, until JJ groans in protest and she remembers that they have an audience.

“Get a room!” JJ yells from behind Rafe, causing a furious blush to color Kiara’s cheeks as they finally separate. She tugs at her light green crop top, pulling it back into place as Rafe watches with hungry eyes.

“We plan on it!” Rafe hollers back, before taking a few steps back and hopping the fence in one fluid motion. Kiara notices that JJ rolls his eyes, but she knows this was Rafe’s intention; even though he and JJ have (mostly) buried the hatchet, Rafe still excels at getting on JJ’s nerves when he wants to.

“Meet us there!” Kiara calls to the Pogues over her shoulder as Rafe grabs her hand and drags her towards the car. The conservancy is only about 20 minutes away, but Kiara bounces anxiously in the passenger seat for the entire ride, nervous that they’re going to miss all the action. Rafe laughs at Kiara’s childlike excitement, fondly gripping her hand in an attempt to calm her down. Just when Kiara thinks nothing will be able to distract her until they reach the conservancy, she remembers Rafe’s odd behavior at the fence.

“What was all that about back there?”

“What was all what about?”

“You making out with me in front of everyone.” Kiara eyes Rafe skeptically from the passenger seat.

“Is it a crime for a guy to kiss his girlfriend when inspiration strikes?” Rafe replies with faux innocence.

“Your Scorpio ass usually hates PDA. Please just tell me you weren’t trying to assert some fucked up kind of male dominance.”

“Of course not.” Rafe answers, suddenly serious, his eyebrows drawing together. “I was just happy and wanted you as close as possible. And I didn’t care who saw.”

Warmth blossoms in Kiara’s chest so fiercely that it takes her breath away. “You think you’re soooo smooth,” she finally responds, but Rafe can hear the emotion in her voice. She leans over and presses a tender kiss to his jaw as he pulls into a beach parking lot.

“You know what I think? I think it’s time to help some baby turtles.” Rafe grins as he pulls into a spot and shifts the car into park. Kiara yelps with excitement and stumbles out of the car, making a beeline for the beach and leaving Rafe to sprint after her. She spots her friend Caroline from the conservancy, who’s standing on a patch of sand and waving her arms wildly.

“They’re moving!! Come on!!” Caroline shouts over the wind.

Rafe watches as Kiara kicks into overdrive, helping her friend shoo tourists from the beach, kicking down sandcastles that might obstruct the turtles’ path to the ocean, and gathering litter so they won’t get caught in it. He helps as much as he can, gathering trash and making sure the path to the water is clear, but mostly he just admires Kiara as she takes charge. Once she’s finally satisfied that they’ve done all they can, she plops next to Rafe near the shoreline, watching as the baby turtles wiggle their way towards the water.

“Come on! You can do it!!” Kiara coos in their direction, gripping onto Rafe’s hand nervously as she gazes at the babies. Rafe knows she’s fighting the urge to interfere, trying to accept that they’ve done all they can to help the babies and now they’re on their own. “HEY!” She yells at an approaching tourist, making both the man and Rafe jump. “BACK UP! And NO PICTURES!!”

“That poor guy,” Rafe wheezes with laughter as he watches the clueless man scramble away. “You scared the shit out of him.”

“Good,” Kiara smirks, peering at Rafe from the corner of her eye. “When you finish law school, this better be the kind of vulnerable creatures you help protect. You better use your law powers for good and not evil.”

“If the price is right,” Rafe teases, just to get on her nerves.

“Such a Kook,” Kiara retorts, shoving his shoulder and knocking him off balance.

“Your Kook,” Rafe replies once he’s recovered, wrapping his arms around Kiara’s waist and bringing her closer so he can nuzzle into her neck. They sit like that for a while, listening to the gentle crash of the waves and watching the tiny turtles struggle towards the sea.

“Look at them, moving on to bigger and better things,” Kiara whispers, her voice suddenly heavy with emotion. “Just like you, this fall.”

“Not this again,” Rafe teases, poking her in the side to try and get her to laugh. It doesn’t work.

“Not what again?” Kiara frowns, turning slightly towards Rafe while keeping her eyes on the turtles.

“Kiara, I’m only going to be like, 25 minutes away. 30 tops. Stop worrying, would you?”

“It’s still going to be different. You know I hate change.” Rafe watches as Kiara’s throat bobs nervously, and he scrambles to try and make her feel better.

“Just think about how sexy it’s going to sound to say that you have a boyfriend in law school.” Rafe nudges Kiara with his shoulder but she doesn’t crack a smile. She just continues to track the movement of the turtles as they head in the direction of the horizon. Rafe takes a deep breath and grabs Kiara by the shoulders, forcing her to face him. She refuses to meet his eyes, looking down into her lap and picking at a string on her denim shorts.

Rafe tips her chin up with two gentle fingers, his blue eyes tender and understanding. “You still love me right? You still want to be together?”

Irritation flashes across Kiara’s face, and for a moment she struggles against Rafe’s grip. “Yeah, obviously. What kind of question is that?” She glares at him when she’s unable to extricate herself.

“Then nothing’s going to change. Nothing important, at least. I love you, Kie.” He watches as Kiara’s irritation melts, allowing him to properly see her fear for the first time. She’s terrified things are going to change between them, but Rafe’s not worried in the slightest. “Different schools or not, my home is always going to be wherever you are.”

“That’s corny,” Kiara whispers in response, but her eyes are bright with emotion. Rafe reaches out and tenderly tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, his smile warm and fond.

“So is helping baby sea turtles get to the ocean. Some of the best things in life are corny.”

Kiara feels the tension leave her body in one fell swoop. She’s grateful for Rafe’s grounding presence all the time but especially in this moment, trying to absorb his absolute certainty that everything is going to turn out well between them. His confidence in their relationship makes it so much easier for her believe in it, too. Kiara grabs Rafe’s face between her hands, amazed that he continues to surprise her after all this time. She’s amazed at herself, too, because the strength of her love for him is still constantly growing. “I love you, dummy.” Now it’s Kiara’s turn to pull Rafe into a searing kiss, stealing his breath and flooding his whole body with warmth. They stay pressed together under the lengthening shadows of the setting sun, and Kiara pours all her worries into Rafe’s mouth, knowing he’ll take her fears and turn them into something reassuring and beautiful.

“I thought we told you to get a room?” JJ calls from the parking lot, music spilling from the Twinkie as the Pogues pile out. Even through the racket caused by her friends, Kiara can hear the song coming from the car’s speakers.

This happens once every few lifetimes…

Kiara leans against Rafe’s chest as the baby sea turtles finally reach the shoreline. She watches as the turtles are gently swept into the vast, unknowable ocean, the dangerous but life-sustaining place they call home. They’re on their own now, but she knows that they’re going to be okay.

‘Cause the sign on your heart said it’s still reserved for me….

She glances up at Rafe, his tan skin glowing in the warm light of golden hour. He notices her staring and gazes back at her, his eyes sparkling with the same feeling that spreads through Kiara’s chest now. A love so deep that no words can describe it; a synergy between them so profound that they don’t even have to try. Kiara almost can’t believe that this is the same boy that she couldn’t stand while they were growing up, the same one that annoyed her for biology answers only a year and a half ago. She thinks about everything they’ve been through together, about the love that blossomed between them so unexpectedly. Maybe Kiara doesn’t need to fear the changes that will almost certainly come in her relationship with Rafe. Maybe some changes are for the better.

Honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?