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Chapter Text

/ At the age of twelve Alec’s hands trembled as he handed the test to his father. It wasn’t an F yet it also wasn’t the A expected of him. “I’m sorry.” He could’ve tried to explain that it was impossible to focus on studying for a test while babysitting his younger siblings Izzy and Jace. But he’d been taught a long time ago that excuses would only get him into more trouble.

Robert sighed, palpably angry and disappointed. And refused to meet his anxious gaze. “I expected better from you, Alexander.”

A slap would’ve hurt considerably less.

At least Alec got to meet his newborn baby brother that day. He stared at the infant’s sleeping face. And the need to have a destructive release for his hurt faded away. /

/ Alec was fourteen when he began to understand that there was something horribly wrong with him. What kind of a sick freak had the kind of dreams and... feelings he did about and towards his adopted brother? Every time Jace blabbered about some ‘hot girl at school’ an invisible knife was twisted inside Alec’s crackling, piece of junk of a heart. He hoped that he’d manage to keep it all a secret. And he did, until they were seventeen and his parents headed to a business trip with Max along. Jace and Izzy threw a house party. To fit in, to do something right in the eyes of others for once, Alec caved under pressure and tried alcohol. Which turned out to be a huge mistake.

Most of the guests having departed, Jace chuckled while helping him towards his bed. “Damn, Alec. Alcohol really doesn’t suit you.” Achingly gently the teenager helped him sit down to the bed’s edge. “There you go. Try to get some sleep, okay?”

Alec was inebriated, lonely, desperate, sad for reasons he couldn’t understand, and imagined that he was in love. Before Jace could leave he grabbed the blond’s hand, then began to pull. Until their lips were tantalizingly close to touching.

Which, sadly, was when Jace woke up from his stupor and jumped backwards. (It came close to yanking Alec to the floor.) “What the hell was that?”

Alec whimpered. He couldn’t help it. “I’m sorry.” He swallowed and tasted bile although he hadn’t thrown up. “Please don’t tell mom and dad.” If they’d find out...

“I won’t. This... this stays between us.” Jace’s tone was unreadable. “Now sleep it off, okay?”

Jace stayed true to his word and didn’t tell anyone. But Izzy, in the way she sometimes did, sensed that something was wrong. Alec was close to having cried himself to sleep, turned towards the wall, when someone lay down behind him and a familiar arm wrapped tenderly around him. (It was very similar to what he did for her when she was a child.) Izzy didn’t say anything but her presence made all the difference in the world. At least Alec wasn’t alone on one of the saddest, most pathetic nights of his whole existence. /

/ Max grew up to be a sweet but wild kid with no self-preservation instincts. At the age of eight the boy was fearless and too often everywhere he wasn’t supposed to be. Alec had tried to tell his parents to have Max tested for ADHD but his suggestions were met with glares because apparently a Lightwood child couldn’t possibly have such a thing. (If only they knew of Alec’s... faults...)

One afternoon Alec was left in charge over Max. Unfortunately a fluish or hangover Izzy needed pain medication. Jace wasn’t happy about being left caring for a child but reluctantly chose that over a trip to a pharmacy.

Alec was away for half an hour at most. He came back to what started his worst nightmare. While Jace had been busy messaging with the blond’s latest ‘girlfriend’ Max had climbed to a tall tree at the yard area. Alec dashed outside as fast as he could, dropping the painkillers along the way, but he wasn’t fast enough. Max fell with a scream and the older brother would never forget the sound the boy’s body made upon landing head and neck first.

“I’m sorry”, Alec whispered at the hospital, his gaze glued on the floor. “I’m so sorry.”

His parents didn’t respond and his despairing apology didn’t stop them from losing Max. /

/

It was insultingly sunny on the day they buried Max. Later the only things Alec remembered about the... event were his mother’s sobs, the color and sickeningly light weight of the coffin, and Izzy’s hand clutching at his painfully tightly. Those things, and how difficult it was to breathe. As though Alec had been drowning on dry land.

Alec took his parents to their house, after. His father didn’t say a thing before disappearing to his home office and slamming the door. (Had the man uttered a word since the day Max died?) His mother stood absolutely still at the doorway of their youngest’s room and just stared, her eyes full of tears that refused to spill, before she pulled the door closed.

Alec swallowed, which did nothing to help with the lump in his throat. “Mama... I’m sorry.” How many times had he said that after...?

“You’re sorry. I’m sorry. Everyone’s sorry. What difference does that make?” Maryse began to advance towards the living room. “I need to be alone, now.” With a bottle of strong alcohol, as had been her custom lately.

Alec was abandoned to the hallway, tears shining in his eyes, feeling like he was a friendly but unwanted ghost. His sorry was never good enough. No amount of remorse filling his heart was enough.

That evening and night Alec did something foolish. He drank enough to black out. And woke up in a half-full bathtub of cool water, an empty bottle having shattered to the floor. He wished, with everything there was in him, that he didn’t have to wake up.

/

Something... changed that day. Was it any wonder that Alec didn’t notice from his grief? Especially when he did his best to wrap himself into a bubble where he didn’t think or feel much of anything. (It was the only way for him to remain functional.)

Alec continued to study to become a lawyer, as his parents demanded. His heart still wasn’t in it but it was something to do, a valuable, somewhat healthy distraction. Honorable. He attended to classes and did his exams, didn’t talk to anyone while no one seemed to notice him. Which was nothing new, really. (Alec had never noticed the... appreciative glances quite a number of people sneaked towards him.) He wasn’t sure whether he avoided his family or they avoided him. Since he wasn’t needed as a babysitter anymore and worked hard on his studies his parents apparently had no reason to call him. And their accusations along with added guilt were the last things Alec needed, so he refrained from contacting them. (Besides, why would they ever want to hear from him again? Max was his responsibility, he should’ve...) Jace had a busy, wild and colorful life away from New York. There’d been a rift between them since the stupid, drunken kiss attempt. They exchanged a few messages to check up on each other after the funeral. (Which was enough to show Alec that Jace tortured himself over Max’s death, too.) Then even those stopped. Perhaps it was for the best. Talking to and being around Jace... It hurt, still, even after all the time passed.

Then there was Izzy, who obviously suffered horribly. Every time they contacted each other Alec could tell that she was on something, whether it was alcohol or a more dangerous substance. He attempted to address the topic but she lashed out, harshly, and cut contact with him almost entirely. Almost.

‘Alec, I’m so sorry I’m an idiot. I miss you.’

Alec sighed heavily before messaging back. ‘It’s okay, Iz. And I’m right here. Whenever you need me.’

Unfortunately she never reached out. Neither did he out of fear that he’d push her away. Until one day Alec visited Max’s grave, yet again, and froze upon discovering that he wasn’t there alone. Izzy was visibly drunk and crying heavily, broken in a way he’d never witnessed someone so incredibly strong being. Wind muffled most of her words but he caught a few. “... my fault ... so sorry ...”

Alec couldn’t take it anymore. “Hey.” He walked closer and shook his head. “Not your fault, okay?” He lay a hand on her shoulder but she didn’t react to it. “Let’s get you home.”

Instead of responding Izzy struggled by herself to stand up, then began to limp towards the cemetery’s exit. (Had she hurt herself?) The whole time she didn’t look at him. For a few seconds Alec imagined that she ignored him. Until a far harsher reality dawned on him.

Izzy really, honestly couldn’t see him or hear him.

Alec was used to being invisible to pretty much everyone around him. It hadn’t occurred to him how bad that invisibility had gotten until it took him five weeks to realize that people actually didn’t see him. And that even his siblings seemed to have almost fully forgotten he existed.

Alec’s heart beat and he breathed, but he truly was nothing more than a ghost.

/

To most people it would’ve been a tremendous shock, a nightmare. Alec... was relieved. He didn’t have to deal with people. No one judged or pressured him. Perhaps it was a lonely existence, and he missed his family, but it was much less painful than his former one.

Alec continued to study because apparently no one cared about him not being seen as long as he received good exam scores. He avoided the rest of his family because he didn’t want to torment himself with deeper longing and the knowledge that he couldn’t help them, but he visited Max’s grave frequently, at the kind of hours when he knew no one else would be there. And he amused himself by watching people from afar because no one could catch him staring.

As it turned out the best way to get to really know people was watching them when they imagined that no one saw them. There were no masks or emotional walls, only the raw, honest truth. Dissatisfied and unfaithful lovers... Resentment... Longing... Secret anxieties... Just a few stolen seconds had the potential to reveal big secrets.

At around three months, when lack of money started to become a genuine, urgent issue, Alec got an idea. He advertised himself as something of a private detective online. For a small payment he uncovered truths, no matter how agonizing ones. He communicated solely by messages and refrained from commenting whenever someone demanded to know why he refused to reveal his face.

Alec detested himself for such a dirty... job. But his options were tragically limited, and he was so used to loathing himself that slightly more didn’t hurt. At least he had the comfort of knowing that his services freed people from situations that were leading towards inevitable heartache. (Maybe he cared about people more than he admitted to himself.)

Months dragged on. Transformed into two years, then three. Alec, being the ghost that he was, faded away mentally to a point where he didn’t even experience loneliness anymore. He was left alone, got to live in peace. That would have to be enough.

Then, on a bitterly cold day of February, Alec received an assignment that changed his entire life – not that he would’ve known as much at the time, of course.

‘This is going to sound ridiculous. I apologize for the typos but I’m not sober while writing this, and I’m going to send this as fast as I can before I’ll change my mind. I hate myself for becoming the kind of a person who does this but here we are.

I proposed to my girlfriend of two years, Camille Belcourt, a couple of months ago and she laughed at me. Since then I’ve realized that there’s been this wedge between us for a while, now. No matter how hard I try to make it go away it only seems to grow deeper. And I can’t help but wonder whether she’s found someone else who can give her whatever it is I’m not able to provide.

I hope that this is just me being my usual overdramatic, too much self. Would you help me find out? My heart may end up shattered to pieces but I can’t take this uncertainty anymore.

Already grateful,

Magnus Bane’

It sounded like a made-up name. But as Alec did some research he discovered that Magnus was, in fact, a very well-known new fashion designer. The latest big name whose designs all the most famous people wanted. And Camille was a model. Admittedly beautiful but just her picture made Alec shiver from her coldness.

Alec hoped that he wasn’t making a huge mistake while writing back. ‘Alright. I’ll do what I can to find out the truth. But it may be an unpleasant one.’ He tended to caution his clients on that. While they couldn’t exactly confront him or lash out at him via anything but messages, he preferred avoiding the tirades of disappointed, heartbroken people aimed at the wrong target.

Magnus’ next messages, which arrived nearly two hours later, was full of spelling errors. ‘That’s alright, dear. I’m used to unpleasant surprises. I tend to be one.’

Alec didn’t know what to say to that so their chain of messages ended there.

/

Ghosting Camille wasn’t a challenge because she made herself very, very easy to find. Alec witnessed her flirting with countless of people, leaving what he presumed was Magnus’ apartment with her gaze glued on a phone, and pouting constantly as she tried on outrageously expensive clothes from the kind of stores he would’ve never set his foot in. She was certainly a shallow person but for the first couple of days there wasn’t a trace of her having an actual affair.

Alec also got to see Magnus, of course. The man had to be the most beautiful thing he’d ever laid his eyes on. Covered in glitter and stylish clothes, shining from the kind of a spark Alec had never encountered in his whole life. (And never would again because it was something purely Magnus.) It was extremely unprofessional, phenomenally stupid and wrong in a number of ways, but Alec found himself more captivated by the one he got the assignment from than his target.

Alec wanted it to be a futile assignment because he felt strangely protective over Magnus and didn’t want the fashion designer to get hurt. But sadly on day four he caught Camille with a stranger whose name sounded Russian. The way they looked at and touched each other... There was something very suspicious and wrong about it. On day five shadowing her led Alec to a fancy hotel. The two went inside separately but mere minutes after their arrival Alec caught something nauseating seconds before the curtains were pulled to cover a massive window.

A kiss. Seductive grins. Hands on a naked body.

Alec took a picture because providing evidence was a part of his job. It’d never been as difficult to write and send a final report as it was that day. ‘I’m so sorry, Magnus. We both wanted you to be wrong.’

It took torturously long before he got a response from Magnus. ‘It’s hardly your fault. At least now I know the truth about her and my own worth. I just sent your payment. Thank you for your services. Goodbye, Alexander.’ (How did Magnus know, or was that a lucky guess?)

Alec had felt cold since he became invisible. Constantly. After reading Magnus’ words for the second time he was full of chills, and dread.

/

Alec certainly wasn’t one to read gossip. But after a week of Magnus haunting his thoughts, he couldn’t help himself and resorted to Google. Apparently the end of what many had considered ‘a fashion dream ship’ was a big deal to a lot of people who didn’t know either Magnus or Camille. The model had readily given an interview where she claimed that it was the most awful relationship of her life. Magnus, in turn, had refused to comment out of respect. Alec truly hoped that the fashion designer hadn’t seen all the online comments. Sadly one company abandoning the man’s brand wasn’t exactly subtle and sent an ugly message regarding how easily too many were ready to believe the worst of someone. Alec found new paparazzi pictures of Magnus, where the man didn’t have anything left of his former spark.

The protectiveness Alec experienced during the assignment came surging back, ten times stronger. Ridiculous, really, because he didn’t owe Magnus anything. (Or maybe he did, he was the one who dug out the ugly truth.) But for once in his life, he was determined to listen to his gut.

Alec still wasn’t sure how, exactly, his new invisible existence worked. Sometimes when he thought about a person or a place very hard, he closed his eyes and found himself there. As though his soul had been separated from his body. It happened yet again that day. Alec shuddered upon realizing that he stood by a tall bridge at a far, isolated edge of the city.

No, no, NO...

After horribly long five seconds Alec saw Magnus. Which didn’t make the situation any better. The man trembled while starting to climb to the bridge’s railing. A few more moments and...

Right there Alec forgot that he was invisible. That his pleas would go not only ignored but unheard. He surged forward, his heart racing as it only had once or twice before. “Magnus, STOP! DON’T!”

To his stun Magnus froze. Then, every move slow and stiff, turned to face him. And looked into his eyes. “Who are you?”

Alec swallowed. When there was finally someone who heard him, shock rendered him speechless for a while. “You... You can see me?”

Magnus frowned. Pale and still clutching at the bridge’s railing but no longer moving to climb and... “Why wouldn’t I see you?”

Chapter Text

Sitting on a bench uncomfortably close to the fateful bridge, Alec waited patiently while Magnus paced. He didn’t exactly have any reason to hurry because there was no one in the world who would’ve missed him. Or even been aware of his existence.

Or that was the case until roughly half an hour earlier.

Magnus definitely saw him. The man just wasn’t sure what he was seeing. “Camille was right. I can’t believe she was actually right about something. So was my stepfather.” Magnus’ hysterical chuckle transformed into a sob. “I am losing my mind, just like mom did. I’m really going insane this time.”

“You’re not”, Alec argued and hoped that he sounded convincing enough.

Magnus snorted. “Oh yeah? Then what do you call someone who sees dead people?” Magnus rubbed his face roughly and smudged the man’s makeup badly. “My life has turned into a bad ‘Sixth Sense’ rip-off.”

Alec didn’t think it was an appropriate moment to ask what ‘Sixth Sense’ was. “I’m not dead. One day... people just stopped seeing me. My family forgot me.” He went on swiftly because if he would’ve thought about that too much... “I don’t know why it happened or how to become visible again.”

“We have the opposite problems, then.” Magnus paced for another minute and restless hands made a mess of the man’s hair. “Why can I see you if no one else can?”

Alec sighed. He didn’t have the kind of answers Magns would’ve wanted and needed. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know anything, do you?” Magnus groaned and his shoulders slumped. “Sorry. I’ve... been told that I can be a brat sometimes. And today’s been... a lot.”

Alec tensed up. He’d never been stellar at handling... emotionally delicate situations. (Or so he’d been reliably informed.) Three years of living as invisible definitely hadn’t helped with his social skills. “Do you... want to talk about it? How you... ended up here?” What made someone who once shone the kind of light Magnus did want to die?

“It’s a long, pathetic sob story.” That sounded like an understatement. “And I’m not sharing it with a ghost or a fragment of my imagination.”

“I’m not a ghost.” How many times would he have to repeat that? Alec’s tone came out so offended that it might’ve been amusing under different circumstances. “Maybe... I don’t know. There’s a chance that I was supposed to find you and help you.”

“Help me? How?” Magnus’ hands moved dramatically. “Whatever you are, you stopped me from jumping. I’m still struggling to decide if that was a good thing. But my damned life... Can you help me go back in time to stop me from ever meeting Camille? Can you help me fix my career from the hit it took? Can you fix my reputation?”

The first part was obviously off the table but Alec wanted to help with the other two – he just didn’t have a clue how, since he didn’t really exist to the rest of the world.

Magnus nodded bitterly at his silence. “Yeah, I thought so.” The man worked his jaw. “The more I think about it the more obvious it gets that you’re only real inside my head. Maybe I can will you away. If I can’t... Just leave me alone, okay? Please.” Magnus’ voice broke. “The last thing I need is more reasons to doubt my sanity so leave me alone.”

Alec watched helplessly as Magnus began to march away, every step forward shaky. He wondered if he’d ever see the man alive again and the possibility that he wouldn’t terrified him for reasons he failed to understand. (He didn’t even know Magnus.) At the same time new determination began to swell inside Alec.

He’d find a way to do something. He had to, because even the thought of another failure to save a life was unbearable. He owed Max at least that much.

Alec managed to coax Magnus off the bridge – for now he had no other choice but to accept a tiny victory.

/

Alec took the long way to the apartment that was more of a holding cell than a home. He spent the time outside mulling over his decision because he planned to test the kind of a moral gray area he usually shied away from. In the end he decided that a good cause might overrule the part of him that was sickened by even a thought of the deed.

Alec still had the pictures of Camille with her lover. He sent them to a gossip magazine that’d been picking on and digging through everything about Magnus’ private life, along with alleged mistreatment and infidelity. He added a message to the photographic evidence.

‘I know you’re not interested in spreading the truth. Make believe sells better. But is this really the kind of a person you want to keep supporting? Do you still believe that she’s a feminist hero fighting for victims of domestic abuse? She’s a monster who is trying to destroy the reputation of a good man because she got caught. Are you going to keep helping her spread those lies? Choose your side carefully.’

Alec hoped that Magnus would forgive him for poking at bleeding and aching wounds of the heart. Maybe the man would understand that he only had the best of intentions. More than anything Alec hoped that Magnus was alright, wherever the man was.

For the first time since losing Max Alec was passionate about something or someone, to a point where he couldn’t sleep that night.

The following day the gossip magazine’s online version had several pictures of Camille and her mystery man. They spread all over social media like wildfire. Some people were convinced that they were photoshopped or AI generated, a smear campaign aimed at an alleged victim. A much bigger part of the audience seemed to buy Magnus’ version of the story. This time Camille refused to answer any questions from the reporters and paparazzi haunting her.

Late that evening Magnus messaged him, the few sentences full of typos. ‘I’m furious with you. But I’m also grateful. Maybe they’ll finally actually believe what I’ve been saying all along.’

‘See, I could do something. You deserve to be heard.’ Alec hesitated before sending his next message. ‘Are you okay?’

Magnus didn’t answer him.

/

A week dragged by. Alec got another case, from a man begging for his help to prove that an ex-husband wasn’t any better as a parent than as partner. He spotted his target as the man was taking his adopted daughter home from school. The sentences he caught from the wildly blowing wind... They reminded Alec chillingly of his own childhood.

“... kind of grades are unacceptable, Emilia. With all that potential... You have to do better.”

“I’m sorry, dad”, the girl whispered, her head hung from shame.

The man groaned. “Don’t tell me you’re going to start crying now. That technique didn’t work on me when your daddy used it and it won’t work when coming from you.”

Instead of stopping the tears those words made them fall harder. Emilia sniffled. “I miss daddy. Please let me go home.”

The man didn’t answer while his grip on the child’s hand became so tight his knuckles turned white.

The case consumed Alec. When he was a child treated in a very similar way no one but Izzy helped or supported him. A big part of him still believed that he deserved it, refused to see it as borderline abuse or something vile when aimed at him. (He should’ve done so much better, tried harder.) But Emilia... She was a sweet kid who deserved so much better. If there was a way for Alec to help her get that he would.

The case, however, wasn’t enough to keep Alec’s thoughts from straying to Magnus frequently. After giving a short interview – condemning not Camille but those spreading rumors about him, and demanding to be left alone – the fashion designer had pretty much vanished. It took all Alec’s willpower to not attempt to find him, as he did once. Hadn’t Magnus’ privacy been invaded enough? And it was made very obvious the previous time that Alec’s company wasn’t appreciated. (Which was nothing new but stung hellishly when the rejection came from Magnus.)

Finally, after two long weeks, the case was wrapped up. Alec hoped that he’d managed to do enough to ensure a better, happier life for Emilia. That day fate chose to give him a reminder of his own past.

Alec was on his way home from a long run that failed to soothe his fried nerves when he froze at the sight of a familiar face. Izzy had cut her hair to chin length and her whole aura was different, darker and sadder, from the young woman he used to know. But it was definitely his sister, leaving... a maternity hospital? The shirt she wore, which had a print saying ‘I know’, revealed a baby bump. A man of roughly Izzy’s age held her hand, and wore a matching looking shirt which said ‘I love you’. Was he the...?

The one of the stranger’s hands which wasn’t holding Izzy’s moved wildly. “... so fast! And now we know that it’s a girl. We need to start setting up the nursery and...”

Izzy chuckled. “Simon, calm down. We still have months left, I’m not letting you start panicking yet.”

“Hey, I didn’t laugh at you panicking at the beginning!”

Izzy pouted. “That was different.” She then sobered. “I... may have been thinking about names, just a little. How would you feel about Alexandra?”

Alec’s heart thudded and his head buzzed so loudly that he barely heard Simon’s answer. “I love it. But why that one?”

Izzy shrugged and for just a second pain flashed in her eyes. “I don’t know. It just... feels right. Like Jace naming his son Max.”

The conversation continued but Alec failed to pay any attention to it. His entire body unsteady and reluctant to comply, he turned to walk away although everything about it felt wrong. He’d taken two steps until Izzy’s voice made him stop. “Oh no, poor baby.”

“Ours?”

Izzy giggled. (Oh, how Alec had missed that sound.) “No, you worrywart! Magnus Bane, that fashion designer I’m a huge fan of. He checked himself to rehab a few days ago.”

/

To his credit, Alec didn’t choose to go after Magnus. He just thought about the man, a lot, especially after finding out about the rehab. And all of a sudden he found himself from a quite cozy, sparsely decorated room. Magnus entered two seconds later and stopped sharply by the doorway at the sight of him. (The man was pale and without makeup, and clearly hadn’t slept properly in ages, but still managed to take Alec’s breath away.) “Didn’t I tell you to leave me alone?”

“I didn’t decide to come!” Alec defended himself. “It just... happened. Because I was concerned.”

“You saw the rehab scoop, didn’t you? And all the worried and ridiculing comments. This place fired the member of staff who leaked the information.” Magnus sighed and closed his eyes exhaustedly. “Sometimes I wish I was invisible to escape all those people who imagine that they know me just because they’ve seen pictures of me.” The man winced upon finally entering the room fully and closing the door. “Sorry, that was horribly insensitive.”

Alec shook his head. “You can’t know what it’s really like. I understand that. It’s okay.” There was a long pause. “Honestly? To me becoming invisible was a relief because... Pretty much every time someone’s seen me it’s been in a negative light.”

Magnus hummed and gave his shoulder a squeeze. (Alec ached to lean on the touch but denied himself the comfort.) “I know how that feels, to an extent. Some people are so determined to believe the worst of me that they refuse to believe the truth. The... Camille fiasco was a prime example of that.”

Alec knew how exhausting such people could be. “For what it’s worth, I never believed a word she was saying. Because I can tell that you’re a good person. And that’s coming from someone who usually hates people.”

Did Magnus come close to smiling? “I did have a feeling that you weren’t a social butterfly even before... whatever happened to you.” (Wait, had Magnus been thinking about him, too?) The other’s face darkened. “For the record, I’m still really creeped out by this seeing ghosts thing. And I’m still sure that I’m going insane, whatever the people here tell me.”

“I’m not a ghost”, Alec grumbled.

Magnus rolled his eyes before continuing. “As I was saying, this is all creepy. But I’m kind of glad that I can see you. You’re a good person, too, who deserves to be seen and heard.”

Alec couldn’t bring himself to agree but nodded, anyway, unwilling to start a fight.

Suddenly Magnus appeared vulnerable and fixed his gaze on the floor to avoid meeting his. “And for what you did by that bridge... I never thanked you, did I? Most days I’m still not sure I’m glad you stopped me but... It felt good to have someone who cared enough to try.”

Alec shuddered. He knew that type of loneliness, intimately, but... “What do you mean you don’t have anyone? You’re... you.” He wished he would’ve had better words to bring out his thoughts with.

Magnus sat down to the room’s bed, leaned his head on the wall to stare at the ceiling and sighed. “The thing about having someone like Camille in your life... It’s that there’s no room for anyone else in your life. She filled my head and poisoned by relationships with anyone else and... When the fog finally lifted, after the breakup, and I would’ve needed someone to...” Magnus trailed off, his eyes growing misty. “I realized that there was no one to call. All those friends I’d claimed were my family had been chased away. I’m all alone in the world. Again.”

“Again?” Alec echoed despite common sense hissing at him to not push someone who wasn’t ready to share a whole lot.

Magnus scowled. “I think you’ve heard enough of a sob story for one day. The moral lesson of the pitiable tale of my life? If there’s anyone, at all, you can reach out to, in any way... Even if they wouldn’t know you or see you... Do it. Because loneliness can make you feel as much like a ghost as being invisible.” Magnus’ tone suggested that loneliness was the man’s greatest fear.

Magnus’ warning refused to leave Alec alone. The following day, after another restless night, he decided to do something he hoped wouldn’t turn out to be a mistake. After taking a deep breath, he wrote a message and sent it to the number Izzy used to have.

‘Congrats on your baby. Don’t worry. You’ll be a great mom.’

Izzy’s response came after two long hours. ‘Thanks, I guess. But who are you? How did you get this number?’

What was Alec supposed to say? The outlandish truth would’ve been too much. By the time he had something of a flimsy excuse Izzy had blocked his number.

There was definitely some truth behind Magnus’ words – Alec had never felt as much like a ghost as he did then.

/

Alec visited Magnus great many times during the other’s six more weeks of rehab. While the man continued to be convinced that seeing him was a sign of insanity, his presence seemed to help a little. (Or so Alec wanted to believe.) By the end of week five some of the spark Magnus used to have had returned. Not much, but it was a start.

Then the stay came to an end but instead of hurrying home immediately Magnus sat at the garden outside the rehab center, an unreadable expression on his face. Alec took a seat beside him. “You look worried”, he observed. “Stop worrying. Going home... It’ll be a new start.”

Magnus shook his head. “I wish I could share your confidence. But the new medication for anxiety and depression... It’s messed up my head. Or Camille did, I don’t know. These days I can’t even start to draw a design. I can’t eat or sleep much, and now that I’m going home the only support systems I’ll have are an outpatient therapist and a ghost. How...?”

Without realizing what he was doing properly or thinking Alec grabbed Magnus’ hand. Before he could start panicking an answering squeeze assured that he hadn’t screwed up. “You’re the great Magnus Bane. You still have healing to do but... You’ve got this.”

“I’ve got this?”

“Yeah.” Alec watched Magnus thoughtfully. “You need something living to nurture.” Where did that thought come from?

Magnus seemed to be wondering the same thing. But before anything could be asked the fashion designer saw something that made his eyes widen. “Catarina? I’m... I didn’t think you’d come.”

A beautiful woman with a stunning smile made her way closer slowly. She had tears in her eyes. “You wound me, Bane. But I’ll let that slide this once.”

Seconds later the two were hugging as though the world had come close to ending. Feeling like an intruder, Alec began to walk away. Soon Magnus wouldn’t need him anymore, maybe wouldn’t even see or remember him. That thought... It was absolutely terrifying because all of a sudden being invisible to everyone wasn’t a relief anymore.

/

Magnus frowned as his friend – if he was still allowed to call her that – tensed up. “Catarina? What’s wrong?”

Catarina gulped. “I’m... not sure. I know this sounds insane but... For a moment I was sure that I saw this man watching us.”

Magnus wasn’t sure whether he wanted to laugh, cry or scream from frustration. “Seeing ghosts seems to be a common thing these days.” Then it finally dawned on his sleep deprived and medicated mind. “Wait, you saw him, too?”

“Whatever I thought I saw probably wasn’t real.” Catarina then looked at him and wiped her eyes. “Enough about potential ghostly sightings. Can we... go somewhere, to talk? We have a lot of catching up to do.”

The meeting was hours long and emotionally overwhelming. By the time Magnus made it home, barely managing to convince Catarina that he didn’t need to be walked inside, he was utterly drained. The sight of Alec standing by the door of his penthouse loft nonetheless made him want to smile.

And the ghost, or whatever he was, wasn’t alone. Heartwarmingly tenderly Alec held a kitten who woke up upon hearing Magnus, looked at him and meowed. “I found him from an alley. He was hungry and dirty, and... I think he could use a loving home.”

“You took me needing something living to care for seriously, huh?” Magnus mused fondly.

Alec shrugged. “Can I... come in? To help you two settle in.”

Magnus stiffened. He didn’t want Alec to see the current state of his so-called home but those disarming eyes made it impossible to say ‘no’. “Just... Promise me you won’t judge. Or freak out.”

“I won’t”, Alec swore earnestly and Magnus tried to believe him.

And he let Alec in, in more ways than he realized immediately.

Chapter Text

Alec didn’t have great many expectations regarding what he might find upon entering Magnus’ home. He’d always found it best to not make any assumptions regarding others. Magnus’ request to not freak out confused him until the door was opened and he froze a few steps after entering.

All blinds and curtains were closed so it was difficult to see anything. The dim light the homeowner switched on didn’t help much. Magnus’ alcohol problem had apparently been worse than Alec imagined. There were empty or almost empty bottles pretty much everywhere. Among them had been discarded an ocean of scrunched papers that’d been thrown around angrily. Layers of dust lay on every imaginable surface and while the apartment didn’t smell the air quality suggested that no fresh air had been allowed inside for ages. Alec suspected that there were no piles of dirty dishes and laundry only because Magnus hadn’t found the will to eat or get changed. It was the home of someone who’d given up, who couldn’t come up with even a single reason to keep fighting.

Alec could only imagine how much that apartment’s state reminded Magnus of the man who ended up to a bridge, fully ready to...

“It’s disgusting. And pathetic. I know.”

Alec shook his head firmly. “No. You just need help to get it sorted. Let’s get to work.”

Magnus appeared surprised and uncertain before nodding slowly. There was still entirely too much shame in the man’s eyes as they got started. Alec hoped that seeing the final result would chase away at least some of the negative feelings. The kitten didn’t mind the mess at all, instead seemed to have the time of his young life with the numerous paper-balls all over the floor. The feline’s antics pulled a small smile from Magnus and for once in his life Alec knew that he’d done the right thing upon bringing the two together.

It took quite a bit of time but slowly yet surely the apartment was actually clean, and had a nice new scent to it. The sight seemed to please Magnus, too, who clapped his hands together dramatically. (Alec adored the hint of a new spark in the man’s eyes. Not romantically. Of course.) “Now that this place is no longer a pigsty... It’s time to go shopping. The newest addition to this household needs quite a bit of things to feel at home. There’s a pet store a couple of blocks from here.”

Alec was hesitant. “Do you... want me to come along?”

Magnus clearly surprised himself by nodding. Not too long ago he wanted nothing to do with Alec because the man only he could see probably made him question his sanity more than he ever had in his life, but now... “Is it alright if I don’t talk to you when we’re out in public?” His reputation had barely recovered from Camille’s blow. The last thing he needed was a paparazzi catching a picture of him seemingly speaking to himself.

Alec understood that. And he was used to people not seeing him, or pretending they didn’t. “Of course. I can just... walk behind you.” Like a ghost or a shadow.

“Or beside me.” The look in Magnus’ eyes was shockingly vulnerable. “It... would really help if you’d be beside me.”

Being actually wanted near someone... Especially in his current state of being... It was new and shocking, but also filled Alec with warmth. “Okay.”

The kitten meowed, as though understanding the situation’s importance.

/

Magnus bought a brush, food bowls, several types of food, a kitty loo and a mountain of toys for his new furry baby. He couldn’t help it. He always pampered those he cared about and showered them with gifts because it seemed to be the only way to make them stay for a while. Apparently that extended to pets.

The intense cleaning up, shopping and the day’s emotional strain left Magnus utterly drained. But at least he wasn’t at it alone, which felt surreally good and foreign. True to his promise, Alec walked beside him the whole time. Neither man noticed that their hands lingered constantly so close to one another they nearly touched. The silence Alec’s invisibility caused between them left Magnus with too much time to think.

Alec had helped him so much that it was baffling. For no apparent reason at all. Magnus... wasn’t used to such unconditional generosity, it didn’t exist in his world. And he didn’t know how to repay it. Especially when a tiny, constantly shrinking part of him was still convinced that Alec was a trick of his imagination. Someone so perfect, appearing when Magnus needed him most, couldn’t be real.

The kitten – who really needed a name – was excited about the toys. With the feline entertained Magnus focused his attention on Alec, who appeared as exhausted as he felt. Did... the gho... man’s stomach growl? “Why don’t you stay for a dinner?” Magnus offered. “I’m planning to order from a nearby Chinese restaurant and their portions are big enough for two.”

Alec, who sat on the couch playing with the kitten, appeared wary. “I... don’t want to impose.” The other’s brows furrowed. “And is it... I don’t know, proper?”

Magnus stared, because seriously. What kind of a family did Alec grow up in? “It’s just a dinner, not a date or something. Not that there’d be anything wrong with two men dating.” (Alec didn’t appear convinced. Magnus knew enough about internalized homophobia to not push, as much as he would’ve wanted to. ‘It’s okay for you but not for me’ didn’t make any sense but was too many people’s reality.) “Besides, it’d be a thank you, for... everything.” 

Alec seemed to relax slightly upon nodding. “Okay. Thank you.”

Magnus shook his head. “You definitely don’t have to thank me.” He opened the restaurant’s menu on his phone and gave the item to Alec. “Go for it, pick anything. You’ve deserved it.”

Alec clearly didn’t believe that, either. The man’s inability to handle even the slightest act of kindness broke Magnus’ heart. He found himself hoping that he’d be able to bring something of a change to that. Someone who basically lived to help others, even while invisible and struggling to have any sort of a life, deserved to be taken care of in return.

After the taxing day Magnus didn’t have the energy for a lot of talking and Alec didn’t seem to mind the companionable silence. They played with the kitten, who adored the taller man so much that the fashion designer dreaded finding out how much crying would be involved after their guest’s inevitable departure. And if Magnus dared to be honest with himself, he wouldn’t have minded Alec staying, at all. Not only because he feared falling right back into the mental darkness which nearly killed him once left alone. The... urges awakening inside him after all the weeks they’d known each other, towards someone who might never be ready to leave the closet, were such Magnus pushed back vehemently. The last thing he needed was his heart breaking again. “Chairman Meow.”

Alec blinked sluggishly, appearing half-asleep. (And disturbingly adorable.) “Huh?”

“I was trying to come up with the silliest, most over the top dramatic name for my baby.” ‘Our’ came so close to slipping out instead of ‘my’, it would’ve been natural to a point of being instinctive. Magnus grinned at the newly named kitten’s happy meow. “I think someone agrees with my pick.”

Crushing fatigue erased all Alec’s filters and walls. The smile the man gifted him was wide-open and beautiful. It caused a hazardous crack on the wall around Magnus’ heart.

Luckily their food arrived before the temptation to do something stupid and disastrous became too strong to resist. By the time Magnus returned to the room Alec had fallen asleep to a fairly comfortable seeming position on the couch. The sight brought a smile to his lips, especially after Chairman looked at him, appearing disappointed that the playtime had come to an end. “We’ll continue later”, Magnus whispered. “Let’s let him sleep.”

It was then Magnus noticed the dark circles around Alec’s eyes, and how tense the man was even while asleep. How much weight did those broad shoulders attempt to carry? It must’ve been unbearable in the past for Alec to be relieved over no one being able to see him.

Well, Magnus saw him, now. He didn’t know how much he might actually be able to do but vowed to try his best. Maybe that was the reason his attempt didn’t succeed, maybe his life still had a purpose.

While eating Magnus watched Alec sleeping and did his best to avoid thinking about how creepy it was. He experienced a ridiculous desire to poke at the man’s cheek gently, just to be sure... “He’s real, isn’t he? I’m not just imagining him.”

Chairman meowed and exposed his belly for him, whatever that answer might’ve meant.

/

When was the last time Alec woke up feeling warm and at peace? (The apartment he managed to find for himself was so drafty he always felt cold. Or at least whenever summer didn’t make it unbearably warm.) Confused and groggy, Alec struggled his eyes open.

A quilt was draped around him. Magnus had fallen asleep to the opposite end of the couch, head turned towards him. (The man frowned and a part of Alec wondered what he dreamed about.) Chairman had curled up between them and slumbered happily, whiskers twitching occasionally.

Within seconds, despite how innocent it all was, Alec’s mind began to spiral. He fell asleep at another man’s home. What did it mean? What did Magnus assume it meant? Would his slipup ruin the something of a friendship they’d managed to build? His parents would’ve been furious and disgusted if they knew of his moment of weakness. Alec was definitely furious with himself. What if...?

Alec contemplated running away. It would’ve been cowardly, for sure, but quite possibly also the right thing to do. Yet his body refused to move. It was as though an invisible force had decided to keep him exactly where he was.

Then Magnus began to wake up and it was too late to do anything. The man rubbed at his own face roughly. “I guess I nodded off, too.” One look at him and Magnus saw too much. “There’s no need to panic. You just fell asleep, nothing else happened.”

If only Magnus knew how much chaos there was in Alec’s mind and heart... (There was no way he’d address it. He refused to burden someone already burdened with his... ridiculous infatuation, or whatever it was, when he was sure it’d fade away soon.) “I know. I just...” Alec trailed off, unsure how to explain without sounding as pathetic as he felt.

“... woke up in an unfamiliar place and panicked.” Magnus winced. “Trust me, I know the feeling too well. At least you didn’t do anything stupid before passing out.”

That... surprised Alec. Enough to stop him from spiraling, and to render him unable to come up with anything to say. Then his stomach growled and the moment was gone.

Magnus jumped up from the couch incredibly elegantly. (The man moved like a dancer and it did... confusing things to Alec.) Chairman followed Magnus to the kitchen eagerly. “Don’t imagine that I’ve forgotten my promise to feed you. Just sit and relax, and stop overthinking.” (How did Magnus know...?) “I’ll heat up the food for you. Don’t run away while waiting.” There was no missing the desperate edge to Magnus’ voice.

Well, Alec had always been good at following orders. And how was he supposed to even considering fleeing anymore after Magnus’ plea? So he sat, his thoughts still spinning around madly, and wondered how to stop whatever was happening to him.

At least soon Alec had something else occupying his mind. When his phone received a message, he expected it to be another assignment. (And could’ve used the money.) His heart skipped several beats at the discovery of Izzy’s name as the sender.

‘I decided to unblock you for a moment because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about your message. How do you know me? How did you get my number?’

Alec swallowed and couldn’t stop his eyes from watering momentarily. He wrote and sent his response without giving himself a chance to overthink. ‘I know you don’t remember me. But you used to be important to me, still are. And I think I was important to you, too.’

Izzy saw his message immediately but it took some time before she answered. (Alec held his breath while waiting and missed the ‘bing’ coming from the kitchen.) ‘If that’s true, then tell me something personal about me.’

Alec breathed in deep and closed his eyes. Then wrote with unsteady fingers. ‘You have a heart-shaped scar on your left arm from falling down from a tree when you were five.’ He’d been terrified of his siblings climbing trees since. Then Max...

“Alec?” There was a worried frown on Magnus’ face. “What’s wrong?”

Alec cleared his throat, which didn’t do much to help with the lump in his throat. “I... sent a message to my sister, once. She’s pregnant and... I congratulated her. She just reached out to me.”

“It must be hard, being forgotten by someone so precious to you.”

Alec nodded, not trusting his voice enough to speak. Maybe it was Magnus’ genuine empathy or fatigue. Perhaps Alec had simply reached his limit on how much one could handle without breaking down. The first sob broke out despite his best resistance, paving the path for others until he was crying as he never had before in his life. He fully expected Magnus to scold him over it. (His parents loathed such displays of weakness, and he never allowed himself to cry in front of his siblings.) Instead Alec found two strong, tender arms wrapping around him and pulling him close. He’d never been held that way before and it was... a lot on his touch starved system. Such silent acceptance intensified the breakdown. Alec wept until he felt first hollow, then warm once more. “Sorry”, he rasped.

“Why are you apologizing? You needed that.” Magnus’ gentle fingers combed through his hair. “Do you feel better?”

Alec shrugged because he wasn’t sure how he felt. Maybe he did need the moment of weakness, but it was all so... humiliating. At least for some bizarre reason it all felt safe in Magnus’ arms.

“Okay.” There was no judgement or ridicule in Magnus’ voice. (Did the man sniffle?) “Now let’s finally get some food into you. And how about we make a deal? Let’s eat together twice a week. I think it’d do us both good to not eat sad, lonely dinners every once in a while.”

Alec nodded before he’d processed the offer properly. Spending time with Magnus was dangerously appealing. And he knew he was setting himself up for future heartache by letting himself get attached to someone who wouldn’t remember or even see him soon. As Alec walked out an hour after eating – reluctant to leave Magnus alone but knowing he couldn’t stay indefinitely – he acknowledged that it was wrong and stupid to feel so at home inside the apartment of another man. Which failed to squash the feeling and how real it was.

Idiotic, all of it, Alec repeated to himself while taking the long way home and forcing himself to not look back.

(Izzy didn’t respond to Alec’s latest message – but she also didn’t block him again.)

/

Staring at the closed door despite knowing full well it wouldn’t open, Magnus sighed heavily. Then he turned his attention to Chairman, who scratched at the mentioned door, meowing miserably. Magnus felt like crying, too, although he wasn’t sure why. Being home from the rehab was making a mess of his head, he reckoned. “I know”, he sighed. “I miss him, too.” Where did that come from?

At least Magnus was spared from having to fret over that by Catarina’s message. ‘Hey. How’s settling home going?’ Even from written words alone her worry was palpable.

Magnus smiled as he flopped down on a couch. To have someone who actually cared, despite all his mistakes... It was a gift he’d never take for granted. ‘It’s weird. But I’m doing okay.’ He knew that sooner or later the cravings would come, painfully, but so far he felt shockingly at peace. Despite already missing Alec for reasons he refused to speculate because he was done with repeating his past ‘fall too fast and too hard for an impossible target’ mistake. Again. ‘And I even got a companion. Let me send you a picture of my baby Chairman.’ He already had thirty snapshots.

They messaged for almost an hour. And Magnus was glad he decided to reach out to Catarina before leaving the rehab, despite having been convinced that she’d want nothing to do with what he’d become. He had someone precious back in his life. And a not-ghost he feared might vanish from him forever any given day.

/

As planned, the men continued to meet twice a week over the next two months. They always shared a meal, sometimes they even watched a movie or played a game of chess. (It was ridiculous how equally competitive they were.) Chairman was always thrilled to have Alec around and Magnus was forced to admit, albeit only to himself, that so was he. The man, who truly began to feel real after the breakdown, was phenomenal company, whether he believed it himself or not. Magnus hoped to help him believe it eventually. One day, while Alec was focused on the old movie the fashion designer picked for them, a miracle happened.

Magnus hadn’t been able to sketch a single design in far too long. And knew that it was making a lot of people, including those who funded him, angry and frustrated. The non-subtle pressure only served to make him less inspired. But suddenly, as though a switch had been flicked, his mind and hands got to work. Began to create an outfit for a very specific model.

Alec noticed him hard at work and arched an eyebrow. “What are you drawing?”

“You”, slipped out before Magnus could stop himself.

Alec rolled his eyes, obviously not believing him.

Sometimes a designer knows immediately that the piece they’re working on will become a success. That day Magnus remembered how that felt once more. Over the coming three weeks he created four more works, always with Alec as an inspiration.

/

Izzy wanted to respond to the stranger’s message about her scar. But how was she supposed to handle something so... surreal? The mystery of it all basically consumed her but she just didn’t find the words. And the more time passed by the harder it got. Oddly the empty space she’d felt inside her for ages seemed smaller all of a sudden.

She was also busy. There was going to be a massive fashion show in New York, to which several big names would attend. Izzy was instantly excited about it. She could barely contain herself and became far more worked up than a pregnant person should’ve as Magnus Bane – her favorite returning from a long... stress hiatus – hired her as a makeup artis. A pregnancy didn’t make her unwise to hire, after all. Izzy couldn’t believe that it was real and Simon had to convince her several times.

Actually being at Magnus’ fashion house didn’t make it seem any more real. The energy, the beautiful clothes, the people... It was all pure magic. Izzy didn’t mean to pry on her first day but when she saw five designs that appeared new, she couldn’t contain herself. She was drawn towards them as though by a magnet.

Fortunately Magnus didn’t mind. “Oh, I see you’ve got your eye on what my team started working on recently. Go on ahead, I’d love to hear your thoughts.”

Izzy attempted to focus on the clothes. But her eyes were captivated by the imaginary model Magnus had drawn hastily. The dark hair, those eyes that were always thoughtful... Her heart thudded and she found herself close to tears. “Who... Who is this man?”

“My new muse, I suppose you could say.” Magnus lay a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Isabelle? What’s the matter?”

Izzy gulped, unable to understand why she was so emotional, or how she knew. “Alec, right? Short for Alexander.”

Chapter Text

Izzy sat with her face buried to her hands and trembled visibly. Every now and then her body shuddered from a sob she barely managed to hold back. “I’ve... been having these dreams. Of... those eyes. Of someone looking after me when I was sick as a child, and it sure as hell wasn’t my parents or Jace. Of someone hugging me when I felt sad, and... and no one in my family hugs. Of laying beside someone and listening to the rain pattering on a roof. I... I felt so safe.” Izzy wiped her eyes. “You’re saying that I have another brother? Alive?”

Magnus bit his tongue to not admit that a tiny piece of him still wondered whether Alec was ghost. “Yeah. I know this sounds crazy...”

Izzy unleashed a hysterical half-sob, half-chuckle. “Crazy? That doesn’t come even close to describing this.” She scowled and shook her head. “Why can’t I remember him? How could I forget someone so important to me? What...?” She trailed off.

“I don’t know.” Magnus smiled wryly, remembering a pitch-black day on a bridge. “I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of answers, and it’s frustrating.” When Alec offered those ‘I don’t knows’ Magnus was ready to explode. Especially since his mental state wasn’t exactly the best. “I wouldn’t blame you if you imagined that I’m trying to scam you. Or if you doubted my mental health.” He absolutely did, whether he saw dead people or not.

“You’d never do something like that.” (Her certainty warmed Magnus’ heart.) Izzy’s shoulders slumped. Until a new spark lit up in her still moist eyes. “I don’t have any idea how but... I need to talk to him. And not just through messages. I need him to know that... that I didn’t forget him or stop seeing him because I didn’t care about him. I couldn’t have...! Right?”

Magnus’ eyes softened. “If there’s anything I’ve already discovered about you... It’s that you care very deeply. And you’d never give up on a sibling, let alone forget them.” An idea occurred to him. “Maybe there’s a way you could talk to him. But I’ll have to ask Alec first.” He couldn’t just ambush such a tormented soul with his sister, who still didn’t see or really remember him.

Izzy nodded. “Okay. Now?”

Magnus hummed. “We still have quite a bit of work to do, my dear. But I can send Alec that message now if it’d help you feel better.” He hoped that his decision was the right thing for the younger man, too.

“It would. Thank you.” Izzy frowned. “Why are you doing all this for me?”

“It’s not really for you. But for Alec”, Magnus confessed. “The day I met him... It changed my life for the better. He saved my life. If there’s a way, any way, for me to give him back some of his life... Then I’ll do it.”

/

It was supposed to be a day just like any other. And to someone invisible who had no one every day tended to be the same – although Magnus had added a great deal of color, excitement and variety to Alec’s life. He was offered a new case but declined swiftly after his instincts warned him that the woman claiming to be worried about the man she broke up with recently was actually a stalker. One message to the ex was enough to confirm his suspicions.

The disappointment in people brought a bitter taste to Alec’s mouth.

For years Alec didn’t have anyone. Maybe things had changed, no matter how temporarily. He fidgeted and hesitated before writing a message. ‘What is wrong with most of the people in this world?’

It took a few moments before Magnus messaged back. ‘I’ve lost track on how many times I’ve asked myself that. But all those less than pleasant encounters make me even more grateful that someone like you exists.’

Against all odds Alec smiled, even if only for a second.

And somehow Magnus knew. Or was hopeful. ‘You’re smiling, aren’t you?’

‘No.’

‘Yes, you are. And I’m glad I managed to cheer you up. Because I have a visitor for you, if you want to see her.’ Magnus went on quickly instead of forcing Alec to beg for answers. ‘Your sister started working for me. She recognized you from one of my sketches.’

Alec’s head spun. He was glad he already sat. ‘Does she remember me?’ Was such a miracle actually...?

‘Not really. But she’s had some dreams about you. And she’s felt that something is missing all these years. She’d want to see you. I told her that it can only happen if you’re willing.’

Alec couldn’t breathe. Or think. ‘Please.’ He was physically unable to write more.

Yet somehow Magnus understood. ‘I’ll bring her over in two hours. And I’ll be there the whole time, not only because you two wouldn’t be able to talk without me.’

Alec didn’t know how to express his gratitude. He hoped that Magnus sensed it without words, anyway. The wait which followed was easily among the longest ones Alec had ever suffered through. Five times he held his phone, ready to send Magnus a message and cancel the entire meeting. Yet he couldn’t convince himself to do it. Because the thought of having Izzy back in his life, even if only in some small way... How was he supposed to turn his back on that?

Four and a half minutes before the agreed-on time (Alec counted every second) there was a knock on his door. He stood utterly still for a long time, his body not yet having made the decision, then let his guests in. Magnus greeted him with a nod, probably not knowing what to say in the baffling situation. Izzy had her arms wrapped around herself as she advanced to the living room.

Izzy stood in the middle of the room, appearing lost and more insecure than Alec had ever seen her. “I... don’t know what to say. Are you sure he’s here?”

Magnus nodded. “He’s right beside me, listening to you. You can always close your eyes if that helps you find the words.”

Izzy actually complied for once in her life. Her eyes closed, she swallowed loudly and fidgeted. “I didn’t plan what to say to you in beforehand. I really should’ve. I just...” Her voice broke. “I swear I didn’t want to forget about you, especially after I already had to lose Max.” Izzy wiped her cheeks. “I’ve always felt like there’s something missing. Now that makes sense. And now that I know about you... I’ll do everything I can to find a way to bring you back. Because apparently you’re my big brother and...” She lay a tender hand on her bump. “I really need you right now.”

Alec wasn’t aware of the tears filling his eyes. All the things he could’ve missed out on... “I’m right here. And I always will be, even if you’ll never remember me.”

Magnus passed on his words to Izzy. She wiped her eyes with a trembling hand. “I think I can feel you. I just... I wish I could see you, too.”

Oh, how Alec wished that too. It was bizarre to want to be seen by someone. He pushed that thought aside in favor of focusing on something else. “How’s Jace?” Maybe he was making things more painful on himself. There was a chance that Izzy wouldn’t even share anything with... an invisible being she possibly doubted existed. But he missed Jace, so much, and had to try...

Izzy sniffled. “He’s... struggling. He’s blamed himself for Max’s...”, she revealed after Magnus spoke up the question, but her voice faltered before the sentence was completed. “He’s traveled a lot to stay away from alcohol and trouble. And he’s a dad, can you imagine? Mr. ‘I’m never letting myself be tied down’. His not married with the mom but...” Izzy cleared her throat as her voice cracked again. “I... don’t know how old he was when you... got taken away from us, but... He’s changed, a lot. For better and worse.”

Alec wished he was there to see it. To support Jace through it all. He barely managed to remain upright from how badly he trembled. “And... Our parents?”

Izzy whimpered and scowled before whispering. “I’m... I’m so sorry, you must’ve missed them.” (And Alec had, no matter how ridiculous that was. No matter how many reasons they’d given him not to.) Tears rolled down Izzy’s cheeks. “Mom... She drank herself to death last year. And months later dad died in a car crash. They said it was an accident but... Jace and I know the truth. He chose to leave us. They both did. We buried them next to Max.”

They died right after he stopped torturing himself by visiting the grave. All the feelings rushing through Alec... He didn’t know how to handle them. He buried his face to his hands, trembled to his core and wished he would’ve been able to cry or scream. Instead he continued to fall apart silently.

Half of his family was gone.

Through all the buzzing in his head Alec heard Magnus’ voice. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Isabelle. Perhaps... we should have a small break, now. This is all a lot...”

“I’m sorry”, Alec choked out. “Tell her I’m sorry, please. I’m...”

“Alec?” Izzy’s startled voice was enough to stop him from spiraling. Her eyes were wide. “Was that... your voice?”

“Yes”, Magnus murmured.

Did Izzy see something? See him, a little? Because suddenly she stepped forward, slowly and a little unsteadily. Then opened her arms the exact same way she did whenever she needed comfort as a child, tears running down her cheeks. Alec responded as instinctively as he always had and pulled her to the safety of his embrace. Izzy clung to him so tightly that it took away whatever breath he’d had. Impossible as the hug should’ve been.

And that embrace put together something which had been broken for a very long time inside them both.

/

Izzy stayed for another fifteen or twenty minutes after the hauntingly beautiful hug. Magnus could see the toll her visit took on Alec but didn’t interfere. Because he sensed how much the other needed it, too.

Magnus wasn’t sure what he expected to happen, after. He watched as Alec stood where Izzy left him in the middle of the floor, shaking with haunted eyes. When the man’s knees buckled slightly Magnus finally regained his ability to function and pulled the taller man to his arms. Held on, with all his might.

“I’m so sorry”, Magnus whispered once the embrace had lasted for a mighty while.

“So am I”, Alec breathed out.

An hour or two later they were in front of a family grave, stared at the stone that had three names on it. Magnus felt like an intruder but the hand holding his tightly ensured that he didn’t even entertain the thought of running away. For the longest time the only sound to be heard came from the wind.

Then Alec began to whisper. “Mom, dad... I love you, even if you couldn’t love me in return. And I miss you all, so much. Max...” Alec’s voice faded away. “If I ever manage to become visible again... I’ll try to live the kind of a life you could be proud of. I promise.”

A warm bout of wind, caressing them both upon passing by, seemed like an answer in Magnus’ opinion.

Sometimes fate works in the most mysterious ways. They were about the leave the cemetery when Magnus saw something that caused him to freeze, paralyzed by shock. Not far from the tombstone of Alec’s family members there was another, with a familiar name on it.

Of course Magnus had known that his mother died in New York and was likely buried there but...

Magnus approached it as though in a trance, sensing Alec following him without having to make sure. He swallowed thickly before finally unleashing the words. “I’ve been so angry about the way you left me. At you. And especially at myself. And the way I was expected to... take care of you...” Make sure you ate, took your meds and didn’t k... “It... It wasn’t okay. You know that, right? That’s why I failed you, not because I was a terrible son.” Magnus sniffled and managed to continue after Alec’s supportive hand landed on his shoulder. “I’ve struggled. A lot. You must’ve been so disappointed in me. But I’m doing so much better now, I promise. Thank you for sending me a guardian ghost.”

Magnus was too overwhelmed to notice but his words accomplished something remarkable. They made Alec smile for a second on such an emotional day. Again. “Still not a ghost.”

“I know”, Magnus agreed softly.

/

Alec needed a nap after making it back home from the cemetery. Desperately. His subconscious chose to torment him with dreams of the times when things used to be happy. Or at least seemingly happy.

He dreamed of a rare smile from his mom. And of falling asleep under his dad’s desk while the man worked on a file. He remembered waking up find that Jace, who’d only just moved in and hadn’t spoken a word to any of them yet, was sleeping in front of his bed, having needed comfort after a nightmare. (Such was a common occurrence for close to a year, after, until the sharpest edge of the trauma dulled enough to allow the blond to rest peacefully.) Alec dreamed of teaching Izzy how to ride a bike and of the bright smile on her face, which was stained by dirt from the couple of harmless falls she took. And he dreamed of Max. A lot.

Alec was still slightly shaken as he woke up to the sounds his phone made on a nightstand. He was fully awake rapidly upon finding a message from Izzy. ‘I just had a dream of you teaching me to ride a bike. Did that really happen?’

‘Yeah. I taught you a lot of things when mom and dad didn’t have the time. You were a great student. Whenever you actually listened.’

Over the next few days they shared many such messages. And with every passing day Izzy seemed to remember slightly more. (She hadn’t told Jace about him and he understood. The blond probably wouldn’t have believed her.) Alec didn’t dare to harbor hopes that those memories would last, that she wouldn’t forget him again. He focused on enjoying having her back for a moment. It was a privilege he’d never take for granted to have two people (and a very special cat) who seemed to genuinely care about him.

One afternoon Alec was returning home from taking pictures for a new case when he noticed a familiar little girl. She was the same one whose dad begged for his help to obtain her custody. The child he stared at now appeared very different from the one she saw with the borderline abusive other dad. Now she chatted happily with a big smile on her face, and had been allowed a new haircut.

So he did manage to help her – seeing a heartwarming end to the story filled Alec with joy.

Alec was about to walk away until something unexpected occurred. The girl... saw him. And lifted a hand to wave at him. Not knowing what else to do, Alec waved back before hurrying away.

“Who did you wave at?” her dad inquired.

“A nice man”, she returned swiftly. “He looked sad. I hope he’ll be happy soon.”

Her dad smiled fondly at her imagination.

/

Weeks passed by. And as Magnus’ fashion show was almost on hand, he spent more and more time with Alec, because the man was the only one outside work able to handle all his restless energy. He only revealed to the younger man how nervous he was, how much he feared that the show would destroy his reputation completely instead of helping him to a new start. Such trust, letting himself be vulnerable... It brought them closer. Until it was impossible to keep pretending that the bond growing between them wasn’t romantic.

Alec was still fidgety around the topic, though. Magnus attempted to address it three times, to get dodged. Until chasing after Chairman, who stole his scarf, led to the men tumbling to the floor in a compromising position. They breathed hard, their lips so close to touching that their exhales mixed together. No words were needed because a specific part of Alec... growing and pupils dilating gave away how the man felt about the close proximity. Magnus’ own body, the traitor, provided a similar response.

Magnus swallowed. Then murmured a set of dreaded words and hoped that for once in the history of mankind they’d lead to something good. “We need to talk.”

For the first two minutes they sat on the couch in utter silence. Magnus had to strain to catch Alec’s voice. “I’ve never told anyone that I’m...” Apparently the word ‘gay’ was too much. “I didn’t want anyone to know. To see me.”

Magnus lay a hand on Alec’s knee. (The man stiffened momentarily but didn’t pull way. Within seconds Alec leaned closer so subtly that he probably didn’t notice it.) “I see you. I hear you. And I think you’re amazing.”

Alec blushed and came close to smiling. Then scowled. “That isn’t... I can’t... You can’t...” None of the sentences was finished but their meaning was clear.

“Why, because we’re both men?” Magnus shook his head. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with two men lo...”

“I don’t have feelings for you!” Alec was a terrible liar, and judging by the man’s panicked facial expression he wasn’t able to lie convincingly even to himself anymore. “And even if I did... What difference would it make? I could never act on them! I couldn’t spit on my parents’ memory like that!” The man jumped up from the couch and started pacing. “There’s no chance that this... us... could ever be.”

“Because you don’t let us have a chance”, Magnus hissed, wounded in a way he’d experienced far too many times in his life. At least his eyes didn’t water. “I’m not asking you to throw yourself into a relationship right here, right now. I’m not even asking you to kiss me. All I’m asking for is a chance to show you that...”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that. And you deserve someone who is.” Did Alec sniffle, despite the man’s facial expression remaining unreadable? “I’m sorry.” With that, ignoring Chairman’s miserable cries, Alec walked out of the apartment. Perhaps for good.

Magnus wished he could’ve cried, too, but he was too numb and hollow for that. He knew that the heartache was coming yet allowed it to happen, anyway. What kind of an idiot did letting it happen repeatedly make him?

He asked for too much and scared off another one.

Magnus craved, anxiously. For alcohol. For someone who would’ve made him feel desired and cherished for a moment. It was a good thing that there wasn’t a drop of alcohol inside the apartment because he would’ve certainly caved in. Despite the severity of his yearning, he didn’t trust his feet enough to walk out and get himself a fix.

And then, as he was at his most vulnerable, he received a message from Camille. (The only reason he didn’t block her number was that he never expected to hear from her again.) ‘Congratulations on your show. I can’t wait to see all your designs.’

Magnus frowned. He was under the impression that no fashion house had wanted to hire Camille after the damage her reputation took. And the woman he (thought he) knew was too proud to appear as just a member of audience. ‘You’re coming?’

‘I wouldn’t miss your big day for the world. I know that things have been rocky between us lately. But maybe we’ve finally calmed down enough to talk about us and the future.’

Magnus was stronger than he’d imagined. Because he had the strength to not answer her, either to lash out or to accept the continuation of something which nearly killed him. Magnus wasn’t strong enough to delete the message, though.

By the door Chairman continued to cry after Alec. Instead of comforting his baby Magnus curled up on the couch, his dry and blank eyes without the spark they’d rediscovered. He was still at the exact same spot when the following morning began to dawn bleakly.

/

Alec’s head spun as he made his way home, his heart aching like it was being torn to shreds. A voice in his head was screaming at him to go back but the rest of the chaos drowned it out. Entering his apartment, which had never really been a home, didn’t make him feel better.

Why did Magnus have to make him dream of impossible things?

Alec paced. Then, eventually, sent Izzy a message despite being half-convinced that he shouldn’t. ‘Did I just make a mistake?’

‘What happened with Magnus?’

How...? Instead of wondering about that Alec explained the day’s events to her. To his shock admitting his... desires – basically coming out – didn’t make him feel sick to his stomach. Instead letting it out brought a hint of relief.

‘Based on what little I remember, I’ve known that you’re gay since we were kids. There’s nothing wrong with that. Or you. But there’s a lot of wrong with still letting our bigoted parents, who were never capable of experiencing feelings like normal people, dictate your life. They never deserved you and they can’t get to make you miserable for the rest of your life. Only you get to dictate your life. What do you want?’

That question kept Alec awake through the long night.

/

The following week was rainy, which fit Magnus’ mood perfectly. Alec didn’t visit or even message him, and he didn’t bother to reach out. The man made himself very clear the previous time they met and Magnus was done with humiliating himself.

The fashion show saved Magnus’ sobriety and possibly his life. It kept him and his mind busy, gave him something enjoyable to do. Izzy certainly noticed that there was something wrong with him and perhaps guessed or knew what it was. Shockingly she refrained from asking or commenting.

Then the big day was upon them and the show... It was perfect. Beautiful, loud, colorful. Magnus was at home and the praise he received, such a warm welcome back to the fashion world, filled a hole in him he hadn’t noticed before. In a manner of hours he made several new, promising connections.

Magnus couldn’t stop thinking about Alec, though. (He wished his muse could’ve been there although it would’ve been agonizing, all things considered.) Magnus had actually forgotten about Camille, completely, until she approached him in a red dress that was designed to charm him. “You’re pure magic, Maggie”, she purred, loudly enough for some of the influencers and reporters bustling around everywhere to hear. “I’m so proud of your recovery.”

Then, before Magnus saw it coming, she pressed a kiss on his cheek.

/

Alec still wasn’t sure about his decision as he walked in through the doors. Especially because he hadn’t really slept in a week and knew that he looked it. The knowledge that only one person in the world saw him didn’t make him feel any less self-conscious.

Or maybe Magnus couldn’t see him anymore, either, after how Alec left things between them. Maybe he was just a ghost to the man he lo... Well. That thought... It hurt so much that Alec considered running out.

The fashion show was absolutely magical. Alec hadn’t expected anything less of something Magnus was a part of, and he found himself smiling at the beautiful chaos he got to observe blessedly unseen. Then he saw Magnus and his blood ran cold as he stared at the kiss Camille planted on the man.

He was too late. Took too long. But surely Magnus wouldn’t...? No...!

Most of Alec wanted to run away but an invisible force made him remain where he was. Which was why he got to see Magnus flinch away from Camille with an expression of confusion, hurt and disgust. Then the fashion designer’s gaze locked with his and the man’s eyes widened. Filled with hope and some strange realization. “Alexander?”

Alec had a moment of realization of his own. Suddenly hiding and holding back... It wasn’t an option anymore. Magnus deserved better. So did he. Full of such determination Alec hadn’t known existed, he made his way to Magnus. Then yanked the man close gently yet determinedly, and pressed their lips together.

The kiss... Alec didn’t have the words to describe it. While it wasn’t perfect it was full of passion, love and need. It made him fall and fly. Awakened every nerve end in his body. Brought him back to life – or maybe brought him truly to life for the first time ever.

Eventually they were forced to part, panting and dizzy. Magnus chuckled breathlessly. “You’re a man of surprises.”

Alec grinned. Then paled slightly. “What did I just do?”

Magnus smiled lovingly and held on to him tightly. (Alec held back identically.) “Something really brave.”

The two of them were in a world of their own. That was why they weren’t aware of the gasps, whispers, and the pictures being taken of them. Because suddenly everyone could most definitely see Alec.

Chapter Text

Camille Belcourt had gotten used to having anything she wanted since she was a little girl. Her parents were rich and powerful, and she was very aware of her own beauty. The world was her oyster.

Until... it wasn’t. The photographic evidence of her cheating, which became unfortunately public, caused such a dent on her reputation that’d never heal properly. She underestimated how popular Magnus was, which was a rare mistake, and it cost her dearly. Camille attempted to save face, at least a little, by getting back together with Magnus. The public and social media loved ‘getting back together and growing as a person’ stories.

Camille was close to succeeding, to cracking Magnus’ resolve. She could see it in his eyes. And suddenly Magnus was kissing some random guy.

The man was a fresh, very attractive face. To Camille it seemed as though he’d materialized from thin air but surely that wouldn’t have made any sense. Despite her best attempts to manipulate the public and media it was very obvious what everyone would be talking about.

Not even one person noticed as Camille left – and not even one phone’s camera recorded her storming off of shame.

/

Fashion designers weren’t typically like rockstars or Hollywood actors. Ultra famous people who couldn’t go anywhere without ending up surrounded by a small army of fans. But as someone popular, who’d never exactly hidden his face and who’d stood out since he was a teenager, Magnus was used to some level of fame and attention. What followed after the kiss was a circus.

“Oh my god, that was hot!”

“Magnus, who is your mystery man?”

“He’s a model, right? Are you dating one of your own models?”

“How long have you been together?”

“You look amazing together!”

“What about Camille?”

“Can you smile for a couple of pictures, lovebirds?”

It was a lot even to Magnus and he dreaded to imagine how overwhelming it had to be on Alec. He placed himself protectively in front of the man who was literally invisible moments ago. “What we have is new.” Now that was an understatement...! “My companion is a private person and I’d prefer things between us being private as well.” As much as he itched to call Alec his boyfriend it wasn’t a decision he could make alone. And he needed to give the other time to process before adding pressure and labels. “I’ve seen, especially lately, how difficult it is for too many of you to respect more or less public figures, their feelings and their privacy. But I’m nonetheless begging you to do so, because this isn’t only about me. As for Camille...” Magnus shrugged. “She made adamantly clear that she wants to be in my past, and that is where I’ll leave her. I have a bright, happy future now. And I wish Camille well.” Magnus smiled charmingly. “Now, let’s forget about drama. Enjoy the fashion and beauty, enjoy the outfits. And thank you for your appreciation for my creations. I’m so happy to see you all here.”

Magnus accepted the claps and great many compliments. His hand had been holding on to Alec’s gently and soothingly the whole time. Once the crowd focused on other matters (their attention span as short as it always was), Magnus began to lead Alec towards a more quiet location. Because the man’s breathing pattern didn’t seem right.

Luckily he knew the backstage like the back of his hand and found a small room no one else occupied. He helped Alec sit down and kept his hand on the man’s cheek to help ground him. It seemed to work. A few minutes later Alec’s breathing still shuddered slightly but sounded much closer to healthy.

Magnus pressed his forehead against Alec’s. “Are you okay? For real.”

Alec swallowed loudly and held on to him tightly. “If you won’t leave. Promise me you won’t make me face this alone.”

Magnus tightened his hold in return. “I won’t. You’ll never have to face anything alone again, Alexander.”

Alec nodded repeatedly. Then opened his eyes to meet his with a pair of solemn ones. “You won’t, either. When I saw you with Camille today...” Alec scowled and shook his head. “I know it’s not my decision to make. It can’t be and shouldn’t be. But the life that led you to that bridge...”

“I’m grateful for it, even the worst parts. Because it led me to you”, Magnus declared and smiled. “My mother... She always said that there’s a reason for everything. That the darkest parts of our paths are there so we appreciate the light when it shows itself. The darkness... It got too heavy for her. It almost got too heavy for me, too. But now...” Magnus’ finger brushed Alec’s suddenly moist cheek tenderly. “I’ve never had this much to fight for. Whatever you’re ready for us being.” He’d be just a friend for as long as Alec would need him to be. The younger man displayed such courage and strength, showing up that day – Magnus would be strong for him, too.

Alec swallowed, gaze on his lips. “I’m... I want everything with you. Just... Maybe slowly.” The other sighed exhaustedly. “I don’t know how to stop yet but... I don’t want to keep hating myself every single day for the rest of my life.”

“Do you regret that kiss?” Magnus inquired quietly. He attempted to sound calm. And failed spectacularly.

To his immense relief Alec shook his head. “It... felt right. Everything feels right with you.” There was a long moment of hesitation. (Magnus waited patiently. If potential new partners and clients were truly interested, he had no rush to get back to them.) “I... I hurt you, when I tried to push you away. I’m so sorry. And today... I had no right to just march in and...” Alec trailed off, blushing.

Magnus giggled. He couldn’t help it. “You did hurt me. But I still remember what it’s like to be in a closet, I’d never rush and push anyone. In the end you chose to give us a chance.” Or so he hoped. Why else would Alec have...? Magnus tugged at his ear cuff restlessly to cut that unhelpful thought short and to soothe his nerves. “As for that kiss... Did it look like I minded?”

Alec’s eyes lit up hopefully. “So... I can do it again?”

Magnus nodded. What was this ridiculous, adorable, wonderful, at times infuriating man doing to him? “Yes, Alexander. You may kiss me again.”

Alec did so, with the concentration and devotion of a soldier heading to the most important battle of their life. Their second kiss lacked the first one’s desperation but certainly not the passion and love. With no audience staring at them (not that they would’ve been aware of it the previous time) and surer of where they stood, they dared to relax and just enjoy the experience. Every little movement of their lips and tongues made something deep inside them merge together, as though they were becoming one. Magnus had never experienced anything so magical. Was it any wonder he was rendered dizzy?

Alec, as it turned out, was a phenomenal kisser – who tasted of coffee and home.

“You’re pretty good at this”, Magnus slurred as they panted, after, and peered at Alec almost bashfully from underneath his lashes.

Alec’s cheeks held a rosy hue while the man’s eyes and being shone from the praise. (Had anyone complimented him before? Magnus instantly vowed silently to himself that he’d praise Alec for as long as the man would let him.) “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Magnus nuzzled Alec’s cheek with his nose, which earned him a tiny, incredibly happy sound from the other. “Thank you for being so brave, and for coming to save me again. No wonder you became visible after such an act.”

Alec scowled but at least didn’t pull away from him. “My parents wouldn’t think it was brave. They’d...”

“They were victims of their own narrow minds. And for that they missed out on a chance to get to know their wonderful son. It’s no wonder lack of love made you invisible.” Magnus smiled although his eyes felt moist and stung. “Now the whole world will see how beautiful you are, inside and out.”

“Stop that, I’m nothing special.” Alec shrugged. “And I don’t want to be seen by the whole world. Just one of two special people will do. I’m glad you were the first one who saw me.”

Magnus allowed his gaze to explore Alec hungrily. “Oh. The pleasure of seeing you is all mine.”

“Charmer”, Alec huffed, apparently not knowing what else to say.

“It’s remarkably easy to be one for you”, Magnus quipped with the kind of a grin he’d imagined himself unable to produce ever again.

Alec rolled his eyes fondly, blushing scarlet by then. They were both high on all the baffling day’s emotions and found themselves leaning in for their third kiss. Until there was a knock on the room’s door. “Alec? Can I... Can I come in?” Izzy sounded like she’d been crying.

“Talk with her for as long as you need to”, Magnus reassured at the torn look Alec gave him. “I’m not going anywhere from this building. Or turning invisible.” He winced at the taller man’s far from impressed facial expression. “Too soon for invisibility jokes?”

“Too soon”, Alec affirmed.

Just before leaving to grant the siblings some privacy Magnus peered over his shoulder to ensure that Alec would be alright. His heart swell and ached at what he discovered. The two clung to each other so tightly that it had to hurt a little. Izzy’s words were too quiet for Magnus to hear, nor were they meant for him. They were powerful enough to make Alec break down to tears. Seeing the moisture was Magnus’ cue to walk out fully. He actually had a lot of work to do, his talk (and kissing) with his shiny new maybe-boyfriend could continue later. He and Alec had their whole lives to figure things out.

Six of Izzy’s words reached Magnus a second before the door closed softly. “I am so proud of you.”

/

It took Izzy a long time to stop crying. “I can’t believe you actually became invisible. And that I forgot about you.” She continued before he could point out that it wasn’t her fault. “Do you think we’ll ever find out why it happened?”

“Probably not.” Alec sighed and tightened his hold on her. “Honestly, I don’t really care about the why. I just... I’m glad it’s over although it was a relief at first.”

Izzy shuddered from shock. “A relief? Alec...!”

He went on, not having any intention to explain just how awful things were for him right after Max’s death. “It got too lonely even for me. And I missed you.”

“I missed you, too, even though I didn’t remember who I was missing.” Izzy rubbed at her eyes and smudged her makeup badly. (Which didn’t make her appear any less radiant.) “I’m so sorry I didn’t realize, that I was too trapped inside my own head to stop... whatever the hell happened.”

Alec shook his head. “It wasn’t your job to stop it. Especially with how badly you were struggling, too. I’m just... I’m glad we both made it through.” Because things... could’ve ended a whole lot worse. So badly that Alec didn’t want to even think about it.

Before they could continue talking the dial tone of Izzy’s phone broke the mood. She composed herself for a second before picking up the video call. “Jace, hey...”

“Iz, what the...? How did I forget that we have a brother? What...?”

“Before you go any further, I have no idea. We’ll probably never know. But... I’m with Alec right now. Do you want to...?”

“YES!” After Jace’s answer Izzy turned the phone and for the first time in far too long Alec got to see the blond. And his brother saw him in return. Which alone was enough to bring tears to both their eyes. “Hey”, Jace choked out.

“Hey”, Alec echoed, not knowing what else to say.

It took a long time before Alec was ready to leave the small room. (Izzy needed more time and stayed behind, which he understood.) Much of Alec was tempted to flee and go home for a breather. The day... It’d been a lot. But much more of him needed something else – someone else – more. And he had a feeling that Magnus needed him, too.

Magnus... was so beautiful the man didn’t seem to be from the same world, there in his own element, with makeup and all. (And Alec wasn’t biased.) The man basically shone kindness and happiness while flashing him a radiant smile among talking. But Alec had learned to read Magnus quite well over the time they’d known each other. He could sense that the seemingly composed man needed support and comfort in the middle of such a big day, right after having to meet Camille. The moment reminded him of when Magnus asked him to walk beside him for the pet store visit.

And by Magnus’ side Alec was, holding the fashion designer’s hand and ignoring all the attention aimed at them. He still heard his parents’ voices in his head, hissing vile words, but they were nothing more than distant background buzz. Alec would face the consequences of choosing Magnus and himself – the mental storm, publicity and all other types alike – later. And then Magnus would be by his side. It felt incredible and terrifying to trust someone so much.

Alec was loved and supported – and visible.

/

It wasn’t a ‘and they lived happily ever after’. Those don’t exist in the real world, they’re only found from fairytales. When two battered and bruised souls find each other, as beautifully as their mental scar tissues go together, there are times when love alone isn’t enough. Alec and Magnus had a regrettable amount of fights because their insecurities and past traumas clashed.

Alec struggled to adjust after becoming visible. Especially with just how visible he became. He’d grown used to observing people from the shadows, suddenly he was the one being stared at and taken pictures of. He even apparently had his own online fan-club. Alec was barely out of the closet and in basically overnight he became one half of the city’s number one couple. That it was what he chose didn’t make getting used to it any easier, especially with the ghostly voices of his parents and other horrible people echoing in his head occasionally. (It was chilling how perfectly some online commentators mimicked speeches and rants he was subjected to since before he knew he was gay. Alec shouldn’t have read those comments from people who had no idea who he was, of course, but he only had so much self-control.) Doing his job was incredibly difficult and he had to put great care into hiding himself from his targets. (How long until he’d have to give it up and consider becoming a fulltime model instead of only doing a gig every now and then?) There were days when Alec barely recognized himself anymore, days when he just wanted to fade away again, days when he resorted to unhealthy coping mechanisms, and such days he loathed himself for instantly when he considered walking away from everyone and everything.

And Magnus... The kind of depression that chased him to the bridge and nearly made him drink himself to death didn’t just fade away magically. Especially when it’d festered and made a rotten nest inside his mind since he was a child. Sometimes remembering everything he’d lost hurt Magnus so much that the man couldn’t remember what he’d gained, what he still had. It’d led to two relapses. Some days talking was too much effort and on the worst ones the fashion designer didn’t manage to drag himself out of the bed. Those were the times when Alec stayed the closest, kept watch and feared as he never had before having something as precious as Magnus to lose. Eventually his fear led to him moving to the older man’s apartment, officially although they didn’t exactly talk the decision through. Chairman couldn’t have been happier.

Fortunately the two men had something stronger than anything else – each other. Love alone isn’t enough to fix a soul but it helps tremendously with mental phantom pains and raw agony alike. And they weren’t facing any of it alone. They had Catarina, Izzy, Jace, and even Simon, although Alec would’ve never admitted out loud that he actually liked the man. And after coming too close to the edge of darkness too many times they decided to start going to therapy, as a couple and individually. They were much stronger as one than they’d ever been. They blossomed like flowers on spring, just like Magnus’ career. And they lived instead of surviving as they never had before.

Despite their moments of weakness neither was walking away. They chose each other over and over again, every single day. Especially on their worst days.

/ “Regrets?” one would whisper.

“Never”, the other would return. /

Anyone could see their connection. Izzy certainly did during her baby shower. She approached Magnus as the man watched Alec and Jace, who’d retreated to the balcony to catch up, and leaned her head on her future brother in law’s shoulder. “He’s not going to vanish again, you know.” Although if Izzy was honest that was one of her greatest fears.

Magnus sighed. “I wish I could stop being terrified of that. And that Alec would stop being terrified of me forgetting him.” A smile appeared to Magnus’ lips. “But things are different, now. Alec’s surrounded by so much love.”

“True.” Blaming the deed on hormones, Izzy kissed Magnus’ cheek. “I’m so glad you saw him.”

“And I’m glad he saw me”, Magnus murmured.

/

Before either man realized that it was coming it was their first anniversary. Such a milestone had to be celebrated and Alec knew exactly how he wished to do it. It was supposed to be a surprise but yet again fate had plans of its own.

Upon coming home Alec was thrilled and in a festive mood over catching two pictures which would hopefully bring a horrific custody battle to a positive ending. “Magnus?” There was no response. “Baby? Are you home?”

“Bedroom.”

Oh, that sounded promising. Alec headed to the given direction and froze. Because Magnus knelt on the floor, holding the small, broken box inside which the younger man had been hiding a special ring in plain sight. Now the precious piece of jewelry lay on Magnus’ unsteady hand.

“I... felt like doing some cleaning up, and I dropped and broke the box and...” Magnus’ big, moist eyes rose to meet his. “You... want to marry me?”

Alec swallowed thickly. And decided that after over three years of invisibility he was done with being a coward. “Only if you’ll marry me, too.”

It wasn’t exactly a typical proposal. But since when had they done anything in a typical fashion? It was them.

A week later there was a party to celebrate their engagement. It was just a small one, consisting only of Alec’s siblings, Simon, baby Alexandra, little Max, Jace and Clary, who was becoming a bigger and bigger part of the blond’s life, along with Catarina and a couple of other friends who were back in Magnus’ life. That was all the people they truly needed.

As Alec watched Magnus holding Alexandra and telling a beyond captivated Max some wild story, he found some dreams he’d forced himself to bury awakening from their slumber. He’d resigned himself to a life with no kids, a devoted partner and love. Maybe with the right person he’d be able to have it all, eventually.

To Alec’s surprise, while everyone else was preoccupied by other things Catarina approached him and pulled him to a hug. He responded instinctively, his still chronically touch-starved body soaking up the literal and figurative warmth. “I... don’t mind, but... What brought this on?”

Catarina sniffled. “I looked at Magnus and thought about the person he was before you... About what he almost did... And... I’m so grateful for you.”

Catarina meant that, Alec sensed as much with every cell in his body. He had people who were grateful that he existed, now. And Alec came to the decision that he was glad to be seen, just as he was.