Chapter Text
Merlin can’t breathe as the curse on him takes hold. He clutches at his chest as he goes down, falling hard on his knees as he gasps and gasps for air. He tries desperately to reach for his magic. It’s been always there. But now there’s nothing. There's nothing there. It's locked away and he can’t get to it no matter how urgently he digs for it. It’s gone. Oh gods, it's gone. How could his magic be gone???
He folds in on himself, an awful sickly feeling twisting through him as his heart threatens to break free of him. He fists at the dirt, but the ground seems to sway him like a ship at sea, back and forth, side to side-
Merlin curses.
He's disoriented and nauseous as it all gets muffled and loud.
His mind swarms with static buzz and his ears ring. But he can't faint now. He can't. Not while he's being observed like this.
Merlin defiantly glares up at the sorcerer now standing above him. His teary eyes almost entirely shield them from his sight.
They step on Merlin’s hands, making him cry out. “Let this be a warning to you, warlock. Keep encouraging this oppression on our kind, and you will never be one of us or one with magic again.”
“You can’t do this. I haven’t done anything to you. Leave me be.”
"Oh, but you have. How long must I wait for you to change things? My people are dying while you take your time. This hatred on our kind and in your Camelot spreads like a disease.”
“Don’t do this.”
“Perhaps leaving you in this sorry state will make you understand.” They say with a sneer. “You can’t keep playing both sides. A choice must be made. I suggest you talk to your cherished king about who you really are. It’s not doing you any good hiding. Aren’t you tired of it all?”
“Please,” Merlin gasps, shaking. “I’m doing my best! I’m— I'm—”
"It is easy to lie to those around you when you are lying to yourself." They hiss as they turn away from Merlin, dramatically sweeping their cloak behind them. With one final glance, they lock eyes with Merlin and vanish in a swarm of violent magical power.
It’s only then, in his complete solitude, that Merlin finally lets his tears fall.
It’s hours of agony as he cries out spell after spell, sobbing when nothing at all happens. He screams himself hoarse, writhing in pain as he claws for his magic and the untouchable field around it only seems to tighten. His magic is contained and he has no access. It feels so utterly wrong. He was born conjuring butterflies and levitating things with hardly a thought. He’d felt one with the earth, one with all that nature was. He was a part of it’s song and knew it’s vibrations as his own. But now he is hollowed out, empty. Alone.
How can he go back home now this broken? How can he force a smile?
He can’t pretend everything is fine when nothing has ever been more devastating. He’s not sure he can ever be okay again.
Now, he is worthless.
No one.
He has lost himself.
Without magic he is small. Alone. Nothing.
Merlin rolls in the dirt, his hands pressing into his chest as if to conserve what little he has left.
My purpose…He mourns with tears stroking his face. His purpose is gone too. If he can’t use magic then who is he? If he can’t protect Arthur then what good is he?
Merlin loves Arthur with all his heart. He can’t let anything happen to him. But how is he supposed to protect him now? Merlin’s been responsible for Arthur’s life for so long…always using his magic to save him…What’s going to happen now?
Merlin trembles.
It’s all his fault. He can see it- Arthur falling all because of him. He’s powerless to stop it. If he doesn’t get his magic back, he might lose Arthur.
And that can’t happen.
He would rather die than let that happen.
It takes all of Merlin’s willpower to get back up and stay on his feet.
There’s only one person Merlin wants to talk to right now. The one person he knows who will even remotely understand.
It takes him an unbearably long time to get back to the castle. His legs are weak and wobbly by the time he reaches his safe haven.
“Gaius,” Merlin chokes out, standing in the doorway, feeling like a ghost of himself.
Gaius startles, his head jerking up at the sound. "Merlin?" He asks, his eyes widening as he takes him in. Gaius drops everything to get to him. “What happened?”
"My— My magic,” Merlin stammers helplessly as he clumsily staggers a few steps inside. Gaius reaches out to steady him and he shuts his eyes when they burn so badly, straining with tears he should be out of by now. He can’t keep his hands still at his sides so they hang in the air just shaking. "It’s gone— It’s—"
“What do you mean ‘It’s gone?’”
“I ran into a sorcerer and— and they took my magic! It’s like it’s locked away inside me and I can’t— I can’t reach it— I can't—" Merlin gasps.
“Breathe, my boy,” Gaius says as he gently squeezes Merlin’s shoulders. He rubs circles against Merlin with his thumbs, trying to soothe him. “Here, sit down. Tell me about it from the beginning.”
Merlin slowly lowers himself down on a bench while Gaius finds a blanket that he proceeds to wrap around Merlin’s shoulders. Touched, Merlin pulls the fabric closely around him. And when Gaius sits beside him, Merlin leans against the physician’s side for comfort.
"I..." Merlin croaks. He still can't stop shaking and his thoughts are a jumbled up mess.
"Take your time."
So Merlin takes some time to breathe, to feel the bench beneath him and the blanket around him. It takes him a while to feel like he can speak properly, and when he gets there, he thinks back to the beginning.
"I don’t know what happened, Gaius. I…I knew something was wrong. It was too quiet. The birds fell silent and my magic was buzzing, warning me. But I didn't...I didn't know what to do. I just froze."
Gaius squeezes Merlin's shoulder for support.
"I reached out with magic to find the source of whatever it was…whatever made the forest go quiet like that…And they appeared out of the shadows. This hooded figure…They were angry with me…upset that I always choose Arthur when it’s a choice between Camelot and magic’s future. And they- they- Gaius-" Merlin’s voice breaks. “What am I going to do? I can’t- my magic- it’s— Every time I try to use my magic, it physically hurts and it’s like it locks up even more- and I- I- nothing happens and I’m- I’m nothing.”
“You are not nothing.”
“Yes I am! I can’t protect Arthur like this! I can’t do anything.”
“Listen to me, my boy. Your worth isn’t measured by what you can do. Your magic isn’t your only value.”
Merlin shakes his head. “My purpose is gone.” He says, begging Gaius to understand because if he doesn’t understand, then maybe he truly is alone.
The physician’s face pinches, sad and pained. “Oh Merlin.”
Tears roll down Merlin’s face as he curls closer to Gaius for comfort, leaning his head against Gaius’ shoulder. “Everything I’ve worked for…I- I’ve tried so hard to make a difference. To help people. To help this kingdom survive. To- To keep Arthur safe. Now I…” Merlin trembles. “What if it was all for nothing? What if I- What- What if I…lose Arthur…?”
Merlin aches.
He imagines his Arthur, golden and bathed in sunlight, slowly turning pale and devoid of light. Flashes of Arthur getting hurt and being close to death appear before his eyes and he desperately tries to blink them away.
The fear in Merlin’s chest that was old but always there now feels like a fresh wound. It’s deep and wild and panicked and he can’t smother it down.
Gaius squeezes Merlin gently, trying to bring him back to himself.
“We will figure this out. There must be something in my books about this. I’m sure your magic isn’t gone for good. It is a part of you. You are magic.”
"Yeah…okay…” Merlin whispers.
“Don’t forget that Arthur has others around him that would protect him with their lives. Perhaps it is time you let them pick up the slack.”
"But they can’t protect him against magic! Not like they can with other threats.”
“Maybe not. But at least the duty of protecting our king isn’t yours to bear alone.”
Merlin lets out a shaky breath, nodding absently. “I…It’s just always been mine…Arthur has always been m…-”
"I know.” Gaius says quietly.
And they don’t say anything more for a time.
All's lost anyway.
Merlin has lost everything and the silence has him reliving it all over again. The sorcerer, losing his magic, making it back to the castle…It’s a trauma loop, breaking him again and again and again.
He remembers the walk back, the way he could hardly stand, the way Camelot seemed so much further away…
“It…It was hard getting back here…” Merlin says. “I feel like I can’t see. All my senses, they’re so different. Everything is so different now.”
“Your connection with magic and this world is deeper than any I’ve ever known.”
“It can’t…It can’t be gone,” Merlin whispers, his eyes brimming with tears.
“I’ll do everything I can to see if we can fix this. There must be something to do.”
A sob escapes him before he can swallow the feelings down.
Putting an arm around him, Gaius says, “I’m so sorry, my boy."
And Merlin hiccups, clinging to Gaius as he holds him in his arms, shielding him from the world.
They stay like that for a long time, but all the while, Merlin can barely take the pressure of his own mind. The Your Fault Your Fault Your Fault haunting him. Because it will be his fault if anything happens, if anyone gets hurt and he can't be there to stop it. He feels undeserving of the comfort so much that's it's hard to keep still. But in the end, it's the only thing he wants save for his magic's swift return.
Merlin still feels miserable in the end, but he’s glad to have told someone. At least he isn’t completely alone.
After leaving Gaius, having cried himself out, Merlin just wanders the hallways of the castle lost. He should be tucking Arthur into bed. He should be going to sleep. He should be looking for answers.
It’s getting late. Later and later and later…but he just can’t. He can’t seem to do anything but wallow.
He can't make sense of what's happened to him. He feels so empty.
What used to be an infinite well of possibilities and connection inside of him…it’s all gone, evaporated.
It’s like being in a dark room, eyes open but unseeing. All of his senses are desperately trying to adapt to the change. But they’re all dull now. He can’t hear the whispering of the wind, can’t feel the vibrations of the living, can’t see the energy flowing through everything, not like he had before. And every time he reaches for his magic, he feels a near excruciating stab of pain.
It’s all wrong and it hurts.
He doesn’t know what he is anymore.
He feels like a fairy with clipped wings.
He's…He's a sorcerer with no magic. Like the punchline of a joke. What do you call a sorcerer with no magic? Source-less. Inconceivable… A nobody with nowhere to go.
He stops walking and buries his face in his hands, sighing with so much force it almost sounds like a yell. It echoes off the walls and Merlin’s breath hitches. Is that really what he sounds like?
He sounds…wounded.
Great, he can’t even let out his frustration without sounding pitiful.
He looks up to see two guards on down the hall staring at him. Judging him.
And no no no no no. We're not doing that. Merlin closes his eyes and turns around, going back the way he came. And before he realizes, his traitorous feet have led him towards Arthur’s chambers. He stops outside the doors, gazing at them in horror.
Merlin promised himself he wouldn’t go in there tonight. He can’t imagine looking Arthur in the eyes right now and being faced with how much he’s failed. He feels so…ashamed…and guilty. He doesn’t want Arthur to look at him right now; he just wants to hide.
He has no magic. He has no magic. He can’t protect Arthur. He can’t help him he can’t save him he can’t he can’t-
He was supposed to always be there for Arthur, to always have Arthur’s back. To catch him if he ever fell. To never ever let anything bad happen to him.
Gods, how is he supposed to complete their destiny now? How is he supposed to keep him safe-
He's the worst. He’s failed. He’s going to get Arthur killed and-
Merlin covers his mouth to contain the sob that suddenly bubbles up. He slaps his hand against the door as his knees go weak and his heart pulls his chest tight and-
“Enter!” Arthur yells.
Merlin jumps, ripping his hand back and nearly stumbling to the floor. He stares at the door, stunned, his heart beat loud and quick in his ears.
“I said you may enter!”
“No you didn’t!” Merlin yells in a panic and then cringes at himself.
The doors swing open and then “Merlin?” Arthur asks, surprised. “Wha- Where the hell have you been?”
“Um…”
"And since when do you knock?"
"I didn’t. Technically."
Arthur squints at him.
“I thought you would be asleep by now?” Merlin says nervously.
"I was waiting to see if you ever showed.”
"Oh."
"Oh? Is that all you have to say?" But then Arthur pauses, finally taking him in, his eyes racking over Merlin's face, his expression slowly going void of all tells.
The scrutiny has Merlin's nerves in a jumble. He doesn't dare breathe until Arthur's speaking again.
“Well don’t just stand there," he says. "Come here, you idiot.”
Arthur drapes his arm across Merlin’s shoulders then, pulling him inside and closing the doors behind them. Merlin tears up, the touch meaning a lot more to him than it has any right to. Arthur squeezes him close and Merlin sinks into Arthur’s side, feeling some instant relief and comfort.
Then Arthur slowly leads them to the chairs sitting by the fire. He lightly nudges Merlin into a chair and he moves to sit on the arm right beside him. Merlin immediately misses Arthur’s contact and warmth but is glad when he doesn’t go too far away.
They sit there for a moment before Arthur asks, “So what is it? What’s wrong?”
"It’s…Nothing’s wrong."
"Don’t be like that."
"It’s nothing you can help with."
He frowns.
“I can’t tell you, Arthur.” Merlin makes total eye contact with him then. “I mean it.”
Merlin can feel Arthur’s pinched gaze. The pressure of it makes him crack like a vase. His eyes sting as Arthur takes him in, silent with concern. “Then what do you need?” He asks. “Is there anything I can do?”
"This is what I need." Merlin says, gesturing vaguely between them.
“I’m being serious.”
“So am I.”
Merlin can tell Arthur doesn’t know how to take that so he just lets it sit. Arthur’s always one to problem solve everything, running through every possible solution to even the smallest of issues. But there isn’t anything he can do. Merlin just wants to be with him for a moment. He doesn’t need anything from Arthur, he just needs Arthur.
“You’re shivering.”
Merlin shrugs.
“Alright, move over.”
There’s not much room for it but Merlin does anyway and Arthur sits down next to him, their sides touching.
Arthur wraps his arm around him again and Merlin closes his eyes and sighs softly in content. He loves being close to Arthur.
“You don’t have to tell me,” Arthur says softly. “But I’m here for you.”
Merlin’s heart skips. He knows that Arthur doesn’t know what he’s truly being there for, but the sentiment is so nice it feels like a dream. Imagining Arthur supporting him through losing his magic is even better. But Arthur doesn’t know about his magic in the first place. And Merlin doesn’t plan on telling him. He wouldn’t even know how.
He decides they should talk about literally anything else.
Merlin says, “You should really be asleep by now.”
“I don’t care.”
“I’ll care if you’re grumpy tomorrow.”
Arthur rolls his eyes. “Oh come on now, Merlin.”
Merlin grins. “Like a bear.”
"I am not like a bear."
"You’re a little like a bear."
"And you’re mean to me."
"Only a little."
Arthur huffs, pushing Merlin’s head closer and ruffling his hair a bit. “Ridiculous.”
Merlin's grin widens and he leans into the affection like a cat until Arthur stops. And Merlin almost forgets his sorrow for a moment so of course it has to come right back.
Arthur asks, “So you really don’t want to talk about it? What’s going on with you?”
"No."
"I…" Arthur sighs. “Alright then.”
Merlin is surprised that Arthur lets it go. Surprised and grateful. He can tell that Arthur doesn't want to. It's nice to see Arthur care about him and respect his wishes but…
This would all be so much easier if Arthur knew…or so much worse.
In his head, Merlin's told Arthur so many times about his magic over the years. Merlin thinks he's seen the full spectrum of every possible reaction Arthur could have…but now? Now he's imagining brand new ones. Ones where he tells Arthur his magic is gone now and Arthur's glad. He's lost what makes him who he is and Arthur's glad in his head.
Maybe it's a stupid thing to think on now. Maybe it's unfair to Arthur to constantly put imaginary words in his mouth. Especially while he's right next to him. But it's how Merlin survives. The what-ifs have kept him alive. And from doing stupid shit. (Or maybe he does that anyway.) (But- But less stupid shit maybe.)
Now they're truly no different from each other, only superficial titles apart. Now Merlin's what Arthur thinks he is. A servant. A friend. And nothing more. Certainly not anyone extraordinary. Except he's still the same person who's kept an entire world of secrets from Arthur's shoulders. He's still the Merlin who's lied to him. So…perhaps he's still not who Arthur thinks he is.
"You still look upset," Arthur says, apparently not actually letting it go.
"Sorry."
"I bet I can get you to smile again."
"Oh yeah? And how are you going to do that?"
"Just watch me."
Despite his curiosity, Merlin puts on a show of skepticism as he turns to see Arthur better. "Okay, go on then, prove it."
Arthur leans in closer to him, his face completely serious as he slowly states, "I'm. a… turniphead."
Merlin chokes on his own spit, startled, overdelighted laughter bursting out of him like the sounds of dying wind instruments. "Wh- What?" He gasps.
"A…royal turniphead, if you will." Arthur says reluctantly, looking somewhere between pleased with himself and flammably embarrassed.
"Kah- K- King Turniphead??!?" Merlin wheezes. He imagines a turnip with a crown and then Arthur as a tiny turnip. He promptly dies laughing.
"Yes. Now laugh it up while you still can because I am never doing this for you again."
"What? Stealing my words?" Merlin asks, wiping at his eyes while Arthur rolls his own.
"This time it was for a good cause. So you're not allowed to complain, Merlin."
"I can't complain. That is the best thing I've ever heard you say. It was inspired!"
"Gods, Merlin. Go home, that was terrible."
"Well it was inspired and I can't go home considering I'm already there."
Arthur blinks, the air inside Arthur's chambers suddenly stagnant because "there" is Arthur's room in his chair very close to him. And Merlin gulps because "home" is really Arthur.
"That's uh, That's not what I meant." That is actually in fact what he meant but he's not telling Arthur that. No way. No way in all the land.
But "I'm home too," Arthur says quietly, bumping Merlin's shoulder with his own.
Merlin's going to melt into the floor actually.
"Come here, you buffoon." Arthur pulls him closer while Merlin's mind is doing whole cartwheels.
Merlin's eyes mist over as he leans into Arthur's hold, heart beating fast. He doesn't know how to take this. Arthur's being extra nice to him. Maybe he knew he'd been crying before entering his chambers. It doesn't really matter why he's being kind though. Merlin loves everything Arthur's willing to give.
“We could just stay here.”
Merlin gulps. “We could,” he says slowly like his world is tilting on its axis.
“It’s comfortable."
“You don’t have to stay with me."
“What if I want to?”
Merlin’s breath hitches in his throat.
“You don’t have to be upset and alone, Merlin.”
“Thank you,” He whispers, tearing up.
“Close your eyes.”
"At least I don’t have to walk all the way from my room to yours in the morning.”
"Merlin."
“What? It’s a big castle. Very big. Too big. In fact, you could get lost in it and probably never run out of new places to—"
“-Rest, you great idiot.”
"Yes, sire. Of course, sire."
“Dork.” Arthur says in a way that’s all affection.
Merlin smiles and closes his eyes feeling very content.
Merlin expected to be riddled with shame and despair being around Arthur now knowing he can’t protect him. Instead, he feels safe and almost whole for the first time since losing his magic. Maybe they really are two sides of the same coin and he just needed to be with his other half. Or maybe it’s that Arthur’s trying to comfort him now and he can’t feel so horrible with the person he loves most in this world right next to him. Because it’s Arthur- his sunlight, his warmth, his most beloved friend.
He wants to pull Arthur into a hug and just hold him. (At least in his arms nothing bad could ever happen to him.) Really, Merlin wants to press Arthur close to his heart and keep him, love him, never let him disappear.
“Arthur?” Merlin whispers.
"What?"
"Do you ever worry about…losing people?”
"All the time."
“I…worry about you sometimes.”
Arthur squeezes Merlin’s shoulder. “Well I worry about you aaalllll the time.”
"Arthur."
“What?”
“I care about what happens to you. You should- You should be more careful.”
"I am careful."
Triggered, as Arthur is often very much not careful, Merlin says, “I’m serious. Don’t run off on your own. Don’t fight alone. Don’t be a prat. And let people help you.”
Arthur scrunches up his nose in distaste. "I don’t remember it being your job to order me around.”
Merlin grabs Arthur’s free arm and squeezes. “For once in your life will you just listen to me?”
Arthur pauses.
“Be safe.”
He scoffs. “I’ll be safe. It’s not like I plan to be reckless you know.”
"Well how should I know with the way you rush into danger?”
"You're impossible to please."
"Promise me."
“Fine.” Arthur huffs. “I promise I’ll try to be safe. Does that work for you?”
"Yes," Merlin whispers, pressing closer to Arthur’s side and gently, seamlessly trying to fit there. He dips his face into the crook of Arthur’s neck and pulls his legs into the chair as well, angling closer to Arthur. And then Merlin decides that’s not enough and he leans his knees against Arthur’s chest and lightly cuddles into his side.
Arthur gasps at all the contact, going stiff at first before settling and tugging Merlin just a bit closer. “C- Comfortable, Merlin?”
Merlin sighs contentedly in response. He’s never been more comfortable in his life. And the fact that Arthur’s letting him curl against him like this and not shoving him away is insane. He desperately hopes it’s not a one time thing because it’s the best feeling in the world.
And then Arthur caves completely and lets his head fall against Merlin’s, ruffling Merlin's hair lightly with his chin. Softly, he asks, “What’s with all the worrying, Merlin? We’ve survived for this long. I think we can go on for a bit longer.”
“Say more optimistic things,” Merlin murmurs, gently nudging Arthur’s neck as he settles even further against him.
“Um, a- alright. I like to think that we’ll be okay so long as we have each other. And it doesn’t look like you’re going anywhere anytime soon.” Arthur says, squeezing him teasingly before sobering. “I know I could fail at any time at any number of things, but then I think of the people around me and I know I’m supported and that maybe everything will work itself out in the end. I think you and I will be around for a long time yet. We still have things to do and I know that I’d like to spend more time with you.”
“Sappy.”
"Excuse you. You quite literally asked for it."
"Did I though?"
“Merlin.”
Merlin laughs softly, his heart full of love for Arthur. “Thank you…” He whispers.
Right now he's so so happy and he knows it isn't going to last but that doesn't matter. He's going to enjoy every single moment with Arthur to the fullest he can. He has no idea what's coming and he just wants to hold onto this because it's safe here. And Arthur's everything to him.
If they could just stay like this forever…safe in each other's arms, maybe nothing bad would ever find them. Maybe Merlin could keep Arthur forever, alive and well.
If only, if only…
Merlin presses closer and closer, leaning into Arthur, the most precious person in the world to him.
And slowly, slowly, they fall asleep like that, leaning against each other, safe and warm.