Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

Off went that damn alarm. A figure stirs underneath blankets before an arm picks the infernal device up and threatens to throw it against the wall before it remembers it’s actually a fragile smartphone instead of a hard plastic alarm clock. A second hand emerges and blindly presses the screen until the infernal noise ceases and a sigh of relief is heard from the depths.

Eventually a figure rises from the cozy entrapment of the blankets and glares at the sun that fucked with his eyes from the one piece of window the curtains were unable to cover. Grumbling the figure of a young man leaves the embrace of his warm bed and into the daily grind that is being unemployed.

Ah yes, the daily grind of being ghosted by anyone he sends his resume to. Another day of absolutely nothing. Every day for the past year he silently thanks his father for having shady deals with the underworld (an open secret for anyone in the know, he even has his own folder in the GCPD database), needing to launder money which he does through his apartment and living expenses, not to mention his own mansion (that passed down to him from his grandfather and so on that’ll eventually be his one day) and lavish lifestyle. Yep, this looks like it’s going to be one of those days. After another day of absolutely nothing but eating, browsing the web and sending his resume again, it’s time for bed. Surely another day of this awaits him.

Another week of this passes by.

The next day as he’s having breakfast, the most unusual thing happened: he got a knock on the door. Opening it he finds nobody but the main reason he’s not sleeping outside in a cardboard box at the mercy of some insane villain with a grudge against the homeless: His father.

“Dad!” he exclaims as the older man greets him with a smile and a hug, not caring if his expensive suit gets stained by his son’s breakfast.

“Vincent, it’s been a long time!” he exclaims patting him on the back “May I come in?” “Oh sure! Come right in.”

Vincent snaps out of his surprise and takes his father in, who looks around at the barren yet surprisingly tidy living room he wasn’t expecting a single man to have. Finding the couch, he sits on it while Vincent sits on a nearby stool.

“So… father, what brings you here? I mean, not that I’m not glad you come to visit but this is the first time you’ve done so since we were kicked out of our first home.” Vincent starts to rant before being stopped by a hand held up. “It’s alright, I get it. But this is a special occasion my son. But first, take a wild guess what could it be?” as he talks, he pulls a piece of paper out of his coat.

“Hmm… GCPD is finally after you and/or your business partner?” Vincent guesses.

“They wish but no. Try again Vince.”

“Mom died?!”

“If only she could ever be so lucky. Your mother will never be the same again.” “Yeah... bummer. I made myself sad. Well, I give up, I can only guess it has to do with that piece of paper in your hand”

His father nods and hands it to him. “I heard of your labor issues so I pulled some strings and decided to help you. Don’t worry about paying me back, you having your own future secured is enough for me”

Vincent opens the paper and finds a letter telling him he’s been hired to work as a delivery driver in one of his father’s associates’ money laundering fronts. “Gotham Packaging Center? The Penguin’s open secret money laundering scheme?”

“The very same one. Mister Cobblepot found out about your big secret and is very interested in having you on board”

At the mention of ‘secret’ he feels a chill down his spine and his eyes bulge out “W-Which secret, father?”

“Oh, you know, the one where you can travel from one place to another as long as you’re touching a toilet with anything with an address written on it. How do you call it anyway, toiletportation?”

Ah yes, the special ability he discovered one night when he was sixteen years old and was ready to meet his prom date Tammy Brown. If only he hadn’t needed to go potty at that moment or even leave his declaration of love anywhere on his person or he wouldn’t have teleported to her bathroom. While she was showering. Needless to say, he went to prom alone and his crush moved to Metropolis before the next school year and never saw her again.

“I… still haven’t named it, dad.” He replies, putting that name aside for later. Finishing reading the letter he puts it away. “Wow… I don’t know what to say. Thanks dad, I won’t let you down.”

“I know you won’t. You start tomorrow and don’t be late. You may have a boss but Cobblepot’s word is final and you don’t want to be pecked by a flightless bird.” Both father and son laugh. “Well, that was that. It was nice chatting with you son, but I have other things to deal with. And you need to prepare for your new job.”

After he leaves Vince is left alone in his living room pondering the new sudden paradigm shift in his life. A new job. New responsibilities. No more doing nothing for the whole day. Clearly too much to take.

He does the mature and responsible thing: He opens the window, pulls his head out and yells “FUCK YES!”; he’s met with a cacophony of “SHUT UP!” and gunshots which makes him close the window immediately. He’s so ready.

He goes on to finish his daily routine, getting ready for the new day ahead. Truly a new chapter in his life as a productive member of society. For the first time in a very long time he went to bed content, happy and with a smile on his face.

Chapter Text

It is finally here. The first day of an actual job. When he can contribute to society and not be a leech.

After his daily routine he goes to his car, starting and driving to the address the letter had written on (later revealed to be his contract which he signed last night) and turns the radio on.

His demeanor sours a bit when the radio informs every radio listener of a scheme by the Joker on Main Street, forcing everyone to take a detour to an alternate street which is also occupied by the antics of Harley Quinn. God, he hates Gotham sometimes but seeing villainesses like Harley Quinn in their form-fitting outfits sure lessens his bad mood somewhat. No matter.

After braving traffic and the natural disasters in clown makeup he finally arrives at his job, which lies in the same building as the Iceberg Lounge, owned by the Penguin and the Museum, also owned by the Penguin.

Entering the building with a giant ‘GPC’ at the top he finds a lavish hall with employees wearing brand new uniforms consisting of a white shirt with long black sleeves with ‘GPC’ written on the back and nametags on the front, a black baseball cap with ‘GPC’ written in golden letters, black pants with one thick white side stripe and a custom variety of footwear.

“Welcome to Gotham Packaging Center, sir. Can I help you?” Vince hears a voice next to him. He finds a pale teenager with black hair behind a counter to his right.

“Erm... Yeah, I have a contract that says I work here now.” he presents his contract from yesterday “Where do I present myself…” he looks down at the employee’s nametag “…Todd”

After reading the contract and looking at the signature Todd calls another employee. “Hmm, a new one. You need to report to the boss who will give you your duties and your uniform. Phoebe, take him to the boss.”

“Sure thing. Follow me newbie,” says a female employee, she’s tall, fit and with an olive skin tone and long curly black hair “And please call me Jackson. Only family calls me by my name.”

“Sure thing, Jackson.” The rest of the very short trip was in silence until they got to another door. “There’s the boss, good luck in there… um…” “Vince.” “Yeah, best of luck, Vince.” with that Jackson leaves and Vince gets in.

The boss’ office is a modern minimalist one with a white desk and a computer on it, behind it is a black leather swivel chair which turns to reveal a bearded middle-aged Indian man wearing a turban. “Ah, you must be the new employee. I was told to expect you, please take a seat. “

“Thank you sir” Vince then takes a seat in another chair in front of the desk. “Please don’t sir me, you can call me Sanjay.” He then extends his hand which Vincent then shakes “Vincent Connor Ramsay, nice to meet you sir- I mean Sanjay.“

“Ah but let us get to the point, Vincent. Here’s your new uniform and your duties” He then hands him a bundle of clothes in a plastic bag alongside a piece of paper with his schedule for the day. “You will get a new schedule everyday where the delivery drivers gather early. Now get changed and enjoy your first day young man” Sanjay says before returning to his computer work.

With that Vince leaves the office and heads towards the bathroom to change clothes. He notices a stall with a sign that said ‘NOPE’ but chooses to ignore it for the time being.

After changing into his new uniform he leaves the bathroom, with a smile on his face and schedule in hand, and goes out to finally start delivering packages, after dropping his clothes in his car. His first day of work has now officially begun.

What a lousy day it’s been so far. First Batman fights with the Joker which makes police reroute traffic again, causing a massive jam. That not being enough, Harley Quinn starts smashing cars with an oversized mallet which by some miracle the work van is unaffected except for a bump on the roof which, he assumes, she used as a platform to hit another car from above. At least the worst has come to pass.

The rest of the day has been uneventful, some may call it boring but he’d call it relaxing. He has one final package to deliver, a long cardboard box addressed to the Riddler. Oh fuck. No way he can just go to a supervillain lair and knock on the door. Well, there was another way… sure he can get shot but the other way may not even allow him to deliver the package and that would be unacceptable. His mind is set.

He drives back to GPC and rushes into the bathroom with the Riddler’s package in hand and a clipboard in the other. All bathroom stalls are now occupied, except for one. The ‘NOPE’ door. Opening it reveals a regular stall with a clipboard on one of the walls and the toilet bowl devoid of water.

Knowing what he’s got to do, he steps on the insides of the toilet bowl and closes his eyes while gripping the package. After a few seconds he feels like he’s falling at high speeds before gradually coming to a stop.

Opening his eyes he finds himself in a dark bathroom stall with a functional toilet bowl filled with water. He steps out and dries his feet before opening the stall door and finding himself with two henchmen, wearing at least one piece of green clothing each, pointing guns at him. Between them is none other but the Riddler himself, wearing his trademark green suit, purple mask and green bowler hat.

“Riddle me this, who are you and how did you get here?” The Riddler asks as one of the goons cocks his gun. “Speak now.”

“G-Good afternoon, Mr. Riddler. I’m just a delivery guy from Gotham Packaging Center—”

“Ah yes” The Riddler interrupts him. ”The Penguin’s little money laundering operation. And I suppose there’s a package addressed to me, yes?”

“Yes of course! Here it is!” Vince said a little too quick and hands over the package.

“You there, take it” The supervillain told the goon who didn’t cock his gun who takes the package off his hands and hands it to his boss.

“I’ll check its contents in case someone’s trying to be clever. Boys, get him out of there and wait for me until I’m done.” The goons take Vincent off the stall and the four men leave the bathroom, where the Riddler leaves them with the cardboard box in hand. In the meantime, the goons keep their guns trained on Vincent.

After what seems to be an eternity The Riddler returns sans box “Everything seems to be in order and there was no clever ruse. Now I suppose there’s something I need to sign, yes?” Vincent takes out the clipboard that he forgot he was holding and hands it to the man in green who signs it and hands it back to the delivery guy. “There. Boys, show this poor man the way out.”

“Boss, you want us to—” started a goon before his boss interrupted him “No need. I believe we’ll see one of Penguin’s more often than not. And I’d rather not deal with a different one every time.”

Vincent gulps, aware of the things left unsaid, as he’s dragged to the main exit. One opens the door and the other shoves him out.

“Umm… I don’t suppose you can take me back to the Iceberg Lounge, right?” asks Vince, knowing full well the answer to his question.

“You’re lucky we’re not taking you to the afterlife, kid” and with that they close the door behind him.

“Figures. Could’ve been worse though, only peed a little” he talks to himself before calling a cab that arrives 5 minutes later (the Joker wreck had been cleared out by now) which then takes him back to GPC. Inside he’s checking out for the end of the day he strikes out a conversation with Todd the receptionist.

“So… anything happened while I was gone?”

“You mean during your normal deliveries? Not really. You missed lunchtime though. But I get it.”

“Uhh… get what?”

“Being the new guy and giving 120% to the job. Word of advice, that’ll burn you out very quickly so try not to do is as often.”

As they’re talking a black woman wearing a black playboy bunny costume and a black bowler hat approaches the two.

“Mister Ramsay, the boss wants a word with you. Please follow me.” She then turns around and walks away.

“You better not keep him waiting then.” Todd says as Vincent follows the scantily-clad woman. As they walk, they pass Sanjay’s office and go through a door with a different decoration.

“Miss, my boss’ office was over there.”

“I am aware but I’m not referring to your boss.”

They stop at a lavish door with a penguin carved on it. “Oh.” Vincent replies as the woman opens the door for him. “Please don’t keep him waiting.” She pushes him in and closes the door behind him.

Unlike the more modern look of the GPC this office looks straight out of the 1940s with wooden paneling, an ornate wooden desk and leather chairs. His appreciation for the décor gets interrupted by the shrill sound of THE boss’ voice.

“Take a seat, Mr. Ramsay” he hears and immediately obeys. The other chair turns around and reveals none other than Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot himself, wearing his trademark black suit, top hat and monocle. Next to him is a blonde woman wearing a similar attire to the woman that brought him here.

“Gorgeous, aren’t they?” his voice gets him out of his stupor “That’s the power of money, my boy. Let’s cut to the chase.” He pulls out a cigar and puts it in his mouth before the woman lights it up for him. He takes a big puff before exhaling it upwards. “I am aware of the package you delivered to the Riddler earlier today.”

At this Vincent blanched and panicked “I’m so sorry mister Cobblepot! I knew I should’ve used the van just like others but I panicked and—” The Penguin lifts a hand and he stops his ranting. “My boy, I understand. I know about your powers as well, how do you call it, telepotty? Bah, it doesn’t matter.”

“I… I’m still deciding on the name.” Vince says, sheepishly scratching the back of his head. “That’s for you and your free time then. When your father asked me for a job for you, I almost laughed at his face before Jay here,” he points at the woman in the room “reminded me he told me about them while he was drunk. So, I believe you owe miss Jay a thanks.” The Penguin continues smoking, looking at the young man expectingly.

Vince then turns to Jay and stands up “Miss Jay, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I’ve been looking for a job for years and… I have no words to express my gratitude.” Jay bows her head a bit too low letting him take a peek at her cleavage. “It was nothing, really.” She says as he sits back down again.

“Yeah yeah, touching. Back to business. Vincent, deliveries like the one for the Riddler are gonna be part of your job from now on, in addition to normal deliveries. I expect discretion and for every one without complaint you’ll get a bonus in your paycheck. Is that ok with you?” He then stands up and extends his hand forward, which prompts Vincent to do the same and shake his hand.

“Yes! Yes of course. That’s ok with me.”

“Excellent. Your true first day begins tomorrow. Jay, you and Raven escort him back to where you took him from.”

“Yes, Mister Cobblepot” Jay takes Vincent by the arm and he guides him out of the office “Over here big boy.” Raven opens the door and closes it behind them before grabbing his other arm and walking him back.

“Museum rules boy, you can look but you can’t touch.” teases Raven rubbing herself against his arm.

“More like strip club rules. We can touch but if you do, you’ll get your hand broken if you try.” Jay teases him herself, tracing a finger across his chest.

“If you get lucky. If not, your legs get broken as well.” Raven finishes the ‘sales pitch’.

He gulps as the two women laugh at him.

“EHEM” they all look forward and find Jackson, arms crossed under her chest, in front of the door that leads back to the GPC. “Thank you ladies, but I’ll take our new employee off your hands.”

 Jay and Raven let go of him, which he almost falls to the floor before Jackson grabs him, and turn around back to the Iceberg Lounge. Vince is mesmerized by their figures as they leave before Jackson snaps her fingers in front of his face “Hey! Focus Vince! Those two are very bad news. One word from the big boss and they’ll personally bury you alive in cement without hesitation.”

He pales at her words “N-No way two hot girls can be such sociopaths. Right?”

Jackson rolls her eyes “Welcome to The Penguin’s world, newbie. Come, let’s go get some drinks. Todd pays.”

20 minutes later Vincent, Todd and Jackson are in a nearby bar drinking beers and talking about their day.

“--I swear, it’s not like it’s a big secret or anything!” Todd finishes his tirade sculling his drink.

“Wait, if everyone knows GPC is a front for The Penguin’s deals, why are we still allowed to operate? Shouldn’t we’ve been shut down before we even began?” Vince asks, incredulous.

“Because our local brand of bullshit scared actual companies away, the police also use it and frankly, to everyone’s surprise, GPC is an actual functional company.” Jackson explains before finishing her drink.

“Well guys, I do have a secret to confess.” Vince takes a sip of liquid confidence. “You see, I can travel from a toilet to another. As long as I have a package with an address written on it.”

A short silence follows Jackson pulling some bills out of her pocket and handing them to Todd who pockets them. “Pleasure doing business with you.” He then addresses Vince “We were unsure of the true nature of your powers so we made bets. Yes, we all know, secrets die very fast in the office”

After a few more minutes of drinking, they get ready to leave, “Well fellas, it’s getting late and my parents are gonna start asking questions. Later!” Todd then stretches and leaves the bar.

“Underage drinking is the least of anyone’s problems. I live not far from here; you better go home before our local fauna starts coming out of their holes” Jackson also leaves followed shortly after by Vince.

Back at Vince’s apartment, he’s lying on his bed pondering the events of the day. How his secret got revealed, how he survived an encounter with the Riddler and his goons, how the boss of his boss gave him an even better-paying job on top of the one he already had and how two gorgeous gals that put supermodels to shame teased him before threatening bodily harm if he got too handsy. And it’s only gonna get weirder from here on out. Oh yes, he’s definitely not ready for this. But that’s a problem for future Vince since present Vince is gonna meet the pillow.

Meanwhile at the Riddler’s hideout its owner begins opening his package: several assorted metal pieces and circuitry that he starts to assemble until it takes its final form: A metal cane with a green interrogation sign as its pommel. “Oh, Dark Knight, I am so ready for you.” He then laughs maniacally.

Chapter Text

Another day, another supervillain disrupting traffic. At least it only lasted 10 minutes this time. Entering GPC, he finds his new friends Todd and Jackson at their posts: behind the counter and holding security next to the entrance respectively.

“Good morning, guys” says Vince as he checks in for the day.

“Mornin’” they both respond in unison. They are silent as Vince checks in for the day and goes to get his schedule.

“You know, I think you handled your first day pretty well, all things considered.” Todd breaks the ice first.

“Yeah, you didn’t skip town after meeting two supervillains in one day like a normal person would. Or got seriously injured or worse” Jackson continues.

“True, I only peed myself after two goons pointed guns at me and threatened to kill me.” Vince interjects after studying his schedule.

“Calmest day in Gotham. You got off easy. Anyways, meeting us for lunch later?” Todd asks him.

Vince, taking Todd’s words from yesterday about burnout at heart, nods. “Sure, I’ll be there. Haven’t even stepped foot on the cafeteria.”

“Then you’re gonna love it. No expense was spared in giving us meals” Jackson smiles. “Anything you ask for you’ll get it. If it’s on the menu for the day that is.”

Vince nods as he walks to his work van, ready to start delivering.

Other than possible rumors of Superman and blurry camera footage of him flying by towards the ocean, it has been a calming and soothing day. Delivering packages to waiting people including, based on the size and weight of the boxes, a still soft pillow to some guy and a toy for a child at the hospital. “I don’t judge. I only deliver” he keeps telling himself as he drives back to GPC.

It’s lunch time and all the previous hyping left him very hungry; Jackson and Todd were waiting for him at the entrance, next to a door labeled ‘CAFETERIA’ in brand new golden letters under which the outline of the old letters could be faintly seen. He guesses it used to be the old kitchen of the Iceberg Lounge before they got their new ones as part of their renovations.

“Hungry?” Todd asks as Vince nods “Then feast your eyes on this” As Todd and Jackson opened the doors to the cafeteria the scent of freshly made food fills their nostrils. Entering the cafeteria, they find a brand-new clean cafeteria with modern black and white tables and chairs with other employees having their meals on them.

They get their food and settle on a table, the guys opting for the meal of the day, spaghetti and meatballs, and she two pieces of bread with feta cheese and olives. Vince can’t help but stare at her rather meager meal.

“She’s Greek.” Todd answers his silent question.

“It’s more filling that it looks. And it helps with these gains” she then rolls up a sleeve and flexes her arm before rolling it down.

A staff member increases the volume of the tv. The midday news is airing the following: “--I’ve also been informed the rumored sightings of Superman flying over Gotham earlier today have been proven inconclusive. In other news Main Street, 3^rd street and 34^th street remain closed due to the supervillain attacks from 4 days ago.”

“Goddamnit I live there” Todd mutters. The rest of the segment consists of closed schools, an ad for the Iceberg Lounge and a PSA warning to stay away from open manholes.

They finish their meal and go back to their posts. Vince finishes his route with the exception of the ‘special packages’ only he can deliver. With a sigh he takes the final two heavy boxes and the clipboard and walks into the bathroom of the GPC. Getting in the nope room, careful to not drop the packages he gets transported into the bathroom of a private home.

Leaving the bathroom, he finds an old lady watching tv who, for some reason, is not startled at the strange man who came out of her bathroom.

“Excuse me ma’am? I’m looking for one Waylon Jones. Is he home?” Vince cautiously asks the old lady.

“I’m sorry sonny, but he doesn’t live here. He lives in the sewers underneath this house” She responds him. “I’ve lived in this city for far too long. A man coming out of the toilet is not even close to the weirdest thing that happened to me this month” She chuckles. “Careful down there.”

As he leaves the house he finds an open manhole, sighing he very slowly climbs down the ladder, somehow the packages didn’t slip and fall, and walks back to what he assumes is under the old lady’s house. The stench in unbearable and he succeeds in not vomiting when a massive figure jumps out of the sewer water and lands in front of him.

The figure is a giant green man, at the very least 2.5 meters tall, covered in scales wearing only a tattered pair of brown pants. “Tick Tock, here comes the Croc.” He speaks in a very gravelly voice. He then sniffs and grins as he looks down at the smaller man holding two big boxes. “Are those for me?”

Not knowing if he should address him by his criminal name of Killer Croc or use the name written in the packages, which he now learns refer to the same individual, he errs on the side of caution and chooses the latter “Mr. Waylon Jones? You have some packages, if you could sign--” he can’t even finish his spiel before the supervillain grabs the boxes and throws them away towards what he assumes is the villain’s sleeping quarters. Waylon Jones then takes the pen and tries to sign but he only manages to make a line before piercing the clipboard.

“There. Get lost kid. Don’t you watch the news? Open manholes are dangerous.” He laughs an evil laugh before diving back in the sewer water.

Vince looks down and notices he peed himself again, less than with the Riddler but still a little bit. He wastes no time climbing out of the manhole until he hears “Tick Tock” once last time and picks up the pace.

Once back on the street he finds the manhole cover and drags it towards it in case someone’s unlucky enough to fall. Walking a long but uneventful distance due to the sewer stench he arrives back at GPC where Todd immediately sprays him with both air freshener and aerosol disinfectant while looking away from him due to the stench.

“Dude, were you swimming in the sewers or something?!” Todd tries hard not to gag.

“Something like that. There’s some weird reptile man living down there. I guess even he needs packages delivered.” Vince also tries to not vomit on the spot.

“Killer Croc?! Man, trust me, the paycheck is not worth it.” Jackson covers her nose and mouth with her hand. Evidently neither know about the bonus he gets from the big boss so he chooses to keep it to himself for now.

“I don’t know, I’d hate it if I didn’t get the packages I ordered just because I live in a shit neighborhood.” Vincent replies. The wordplay is lost to him.

As they have their conversation Sanjay leaves his office and his nostrils are assaulted by the stench of sewer mixed with freshener which made it even worse “Vincent, go home early and burn your uniform. I’ll get you a new one tomorrow, just leave!” he then promptly rushes to the bathroom where vomiting noises could be heard.

“You heard our boss, get out. I’ll cover for you.“ Before Vince started to leave Todd handed him several plastic bags and an unassembled cardboard box. “Take this or you’ll have to burn your car as well.”

After setting the disposable materials inside his vehicle being careful to not touch anything else he made it home where he proceeds to throw his uniform and shoes in a garbage can, cover it with cooking oil and setting it ablaze, but not before opening a window and letting the smoke out, before spending the rest of the day until bedtime trying and failing to remove the sewer stench from himself and his apartment. Truly a shitty way to end a day and it’s only getting started, but that’s what the motto of Gotham Packaging Center states: ‘Anytime, Anywhere, we are there.’

Back with Killer Croc he’s enjoying the content of his packages, six seasoned frozen chickens per box, while laughing at the sappy love letters one Mary Louise Dahl sent within the packages before throwing them into the sewer water and enjoying homemade lemonade from the old lady living above him.

Chapter Text

It’s finally Friday, two days since the sewer incident which were the most uneventful days so far. No special packages on Wednesday and on Thursday he had a box for the big boss Oswald Cobblepot which he delivered without even leaving the building or using the bathroom. Getting escorted back to GPC by Jay and Raven was nice though.

It’s midday and he and his friends are enjoying chocolate cake in the cafeteria, courtesy of Janice from Accounting who just learned to bake and made way too much the night before and decided to share it with everyone else. As everyone eats, a stranger barges into the cafeteria with a box under his arm “Where’s the deliverer?!” he shouts at everyone.

“Who?” asked Janice. “The deliverer! You know, the guy that goes everywhere from toilet to toilet” As everyone but Jackson and Todd slowly turn towards Vincent, he suddenly wishes he had the power on invisibility before the stranger picks him up by the shirt and hands him the package “I need you to send this medicine to my son in Gotham’s Children Hospital now!” the stranger demands with tears in his eyes. “Please, he doesn’t have much time left!”

Feeling for this man but clearly not wanting to take part in whatever this is, he takes a deep breath and tries to be as calm and rational as possible “I understand what you’re going through but I just cannot deliver anything if it isn’t in the system—” “I’ll handle the paperwork” Todd interjects. Vincent nods and he and the man go to the nope stall and get teleported to the hospital in a matter of seconds. The man then takes the package and runs towards what could be assumed to be the room the man’s son was in. He waits on a nearby chair until the man comes out and sat next to him. “Thank you, kind sir, my son will make it after all.”

“I’m just glad a child didn’t die today.” Vince smiles before getting confused. “The Deliverer? Seriously?”

“That’s how supervillains and their goons call you, that’s how I found out about you. My brother works for the Riddler.”

Must be one the goons that aimed a gun at him on his first day.

“I’m going to assume whatever was in the box was some experimental stolen medicine and now you owe The Riddler. Right?” the man sighs “Indeed. But as long as my son lives, I’d sell my soul to the devil himself.”

A nurse beckons the man to get in as Vincent waits and waits until he falls asleep. Until a small hand on his knee wakes him up to find a sickly small child in a wheelchair and the stranger behind him.

“We almost lost you, Thomas. Without this man you wouldn’t be here. Say thanks to the deliverer”

“Thanks *cough* Mister deliverer *cough*” Thomas tries to talk before his father calms him down “My mistake son”

“Deliverer… Yeah, I so need to come up with a better name.” Vince scratches the back to his head.

“Do it quickly before that one sticks then. Names travel very fast in the underworld.”

“Hmm… I don’t suppose you can take me back to GPC, right?” If at first you don’t succeed try again and again.

The man smiles “Of course! It’s the very least I can do for helping save my son’s life!”

A short car ride later Vince is back at the GPC. Unlike his encounter with supervillains this is the one that scared him the most for he knows firsthand the lengths a desperate father will go for his son.

After an earful from The Penguin about having to pay off government goons for that stolen experimental medicine, which he ceased upon the discovery that Vincent could in fact transport another person with him, a fact which he will definitely use in the future, he allowed him to leave escorted by his bodyguards, which he’s now on a first name basis with. After which he and his two friends were back at the bar drinking the day away.

“So, what did the big boss tell you?” Inquired Todd as he finished his drink.

“Not much, the package was stolen experimental medicine from Uncle Sam. He had to pay off some government goons to put that investigation at the bottom of the pile. He’ll take it out of my paycheck.” Vince slams his drink down. “The father is related to one of the Riddler’s goons. Could be useful.”

Jackson shakes her head “Careful with those people, Vince. It’s like playing with fire while being covered in gunpowder and gasoline.” She then finishes her wine, unlike the other two who are having beers. “So, boys, what are your plans for the weekend?”

“My parents and I are going out of state and frankly, I need some time away from this bullshit city.” says Todd, paying for his drink.

“I’m gonna try to catch up on a good book, visit my father or something before I suddenly have another surprise special package to deliver and waste my weekend.” Vince likewise pays for his drink. “How about you?”

“I’ll be at home, hitting the gym, visiting my sister. The usual.” Jackson likewise pays for her drink and the three leave the bar.

Back at home Vince has time to reflect on the day alone. His thoughts keep him awake until even they get bored and the sandman buries his head in sand. Metaphorically speaking.

Chapter Text

It’s Saturday at noon and Vince is having a relaxing breakfast of cereal and milk until there’s a knock on his apartment door. Opening it reveals a woman like Raven and Jay but brunette.

“Vincent Connor Ramsay?” Asks the woman.

“Yes, may I help you?” Vince asks, having an idea why a woman like her would visit him of all people this early in the morning.

“Mister Cobblepot sent me. You have to deliver something important” she then barges into his home and rummages his closet finding presentable clothes and shoves them in his arms. “Get dressed, I won’t watch.” She then turns around to face the wall as he undresses and puts on the best clothes she could find, his work uniform and nice shoes.

“Good. Now come” she then drags him out by the arm with just enough time to lock the door and down the stairs they go. He decides to strike a conversation with his captor.

“So… are you like Raven and Jay...?”

“Correct. I am Lark.”

“How come I never see you in Mr. Cobblepot’s office with them?”

“I’m his chauffeur and bodyguard. Usually, I’m breaking someone’s legs. Someone who can’t keep their hands or eyes to themselves.”

He audibly gulps and she laughs “Relax kid, you are free to watch. God, they were right, you’re too easy.”

Back on the street she opens the door of the car and he gets in, after which she gets in the driver’s seat and drives away.

“So, what does Mr. Cobblepot want with me? Surely, he can wait until Monday.”

“No, he cannot. He requested you today at noon.”

They arrive at the Iceberg Lounge, where Jay opens the door and Raven takes him by the arm inside the ice-themed building. Since it’s early on a Saturday the place is empty save for some staff cleaning tables and sweeping the massive number of stairs and then there’s the magnificent block of ice in the center that gives the establishment its name.

“First time?” Raven teases.

“In the Iceberg Lounge? Yes. I don’t think I could afford to even stare at it” Vince replies.

“And you’d be correct. Come, the boss doesn’t like to wait.” She then takes him to the office where The Penguin is waiting.

“You may be wondering why I took you away from your busy weekend to my fine establishment. Don’t worry. Jay already bought your groceries for the week and placed them in your house. Now to business.” He stands up and walks around his desk, lit cigar in his mouth, a puff of smoke reaching the ceiling.

“You will take me to a very important place. When what I have in mind is done, you will be rewarded very handsomely. Do I need to explain myself?”

“No need, Mr. Cobblepot. I get it. But where are we going?”

“Oh, you don’t need to worry your pretty little head about that. Just know that I’ll take you back home safe and sound.”

No way around that, Vince supposes. Taking a deep breath (coughing afterwards from the secondhand smoke which causes Cobblepot, Raven and Jay to chuckle) he explains the transporting process.

With a snap of his fingers Jay hands Cobblepot a piece of paper with an address written on it.

“If that’s everything, let us go to the bathroom. We are getting late.” He hears the crime boss say as he follows him to his personal bathroom. A luxurious spacious marble bathroom decked in gold and white with a bird motif, fitting for The Penguin.

The owner of the place turns to his henchwomen “Have Lark bring the car at the usual.” “Yes, Mr. Cobblepot.” they reply and leave the two men alone. The older man turns to the younger one “Shall we?” he then hands him the paper, extends his hand which he takes and closes his eyes.

Vince does his toilet magic and they get teleported to a different, more cramped bathroom. It seems to be underground or something. As they leave the bathroom, they approach a door at which they stop “Sorry kid, you can wait over there.” The Penguin points at a nearby bench, watching him take a seat before entering the door to do who knows what. And Vince is better off not knowing.

Good thing he fell asleep after two minutes or he would’ve seen the cavalcade of ‘celebrities’ Batman could only dream of having in the same spot.

He then gets awakened by someone poking him in the face. Waking up he finds the poker is none other than Harley Quinn herself in her glorious red and black outfit and white makeup.

“Hiya buddy!” she exclaimed and waved her hand. “Come here often?”

“This is my first time actually.”

At this she giggles “Oh I do love hearing that phrase. Say, have we met before?”

“Unless you remember leaping out of a van on Monday to smash another car with a mallet, the answer’s no.”

She gasps “No way, you were driving that Penguinmobile?!”

He sighs “That’s a lame name for it, but sure.”

“Speaking of lame names, aren’t you the one they call ‘The Deliverer’?”

He groans and she wraps her arm around his shoulder. What follows is almost an hour of conversation about absolutely nothing in particular but at least it beats the boredom. And staring at her body also helps as well.

Something she notices right away.

“Don’t let Mistah J catch you staring or not even The Penguin will be able to save your hide.” she whispers in his ear.

“Duly noted.” He then fixed his eyes on the mysterious door. Trying to stave off the boredom by using his phone only to remember he left it at home when Lark dragged him out of there.

“Something wrong D-boy?” The clown girl asked. Looks like the name stuck. Damnit.

“I forgot my phone at home.”

“No worries!” she then pulls one out of who knows where “Let’s watch some cat videos.”

And so, Vincent and Harley Quinn spent the next hour watching cat videos on the internet. What are their bosses even doing behind that door?

“Y’know, you’re not so bad D-boy. I thought you’d be a lame square but you’re alright.”

“Likewise, Harley, you can be quite the pleasant company yourself.”

Harley then lets go of his shoulder “Say, did you see anyone else before I wake you up?”

“No. Why?”

“Because knowing who’s behind that door with the bird and Mistah J can be hazardous to your health” she then hands him a colorful handkerchief “Cover your eyes.”

As he does so he hears the door open and Harley leaping off the seat followed by a laughter that brings a chill to his spine, no doubt it was The Joker. Then some voices he didn’t recognize, others that he’s sure he’s heard before, followed by The Riddler’s, some henchmen’s and finally The Penguin tapping his shoulder.

“Don’t know where you got that, but it was smart of you.” they both wait until everyone else leaves “Alright, take that thing off and follow me.”

They get out of the place and into an underground garage where Lark is waiting for them with an opened car door.

As they leave Vince and Cobblepot start a conversation.

“I see you established a friendship with Harley Quinn. Word of advice kid, she’s as dangerous as the Joker. Keep your distance with that one.”

“Yes sir.”

“Now that doesn’t mean you have to cut ties with her, it’s always useful to have friends in weird places.”

Eventually they arrived at Vince’s apartment building and the Penguin lowers his window before leaving. “You’ll get quite a substantial bonus for a job well done. I’m always good with my employees.” The car then leaves and he climbs all the way up to his apartment on the third floor.

As he gets in, he finds bags full of the high-quality groceries he was promised on the couch, after storing them where they belong, he gets a notificaction from the bank. He almost faints when he sees the two extra zeroes to the right of what he used to have.

A few hours later there’s a knock on the door, opening it he finds Jay who walks in, putting her hat over his eyes.

“Does he want another transport or something?” He asks the woman as she begins to undress.

“No, he wants to reward you.” and with that she drags him towards his room.

Hours later she rearranges her work uniform, having not even broken a sweat, while he looks the closest he’s ever been to death, heavily sweating, panting and his body covered in red lipstick smears.

“I wish I could stay until morning and make you some pancakes but I have work to do. You understand, right?”

He could barely nod.

“You keep pleasing Mr. Cobblepot and we’ll keep pleasing you.” she then approaches him and kisses him on the forehead. “I know my way out. See you around, Vincent!”

And just like that he didn’t wake up until Sunday at 4:30 pm.

Chapter Text

“You look like hammered shit” Jackson says as Vince walks in, slowly and wearing sunglasses.

“I feel like it too.” Vince yawns. His Saturday adventure (and subsequent reward) left him more exhausted than he expected yet at the same time he couldn’t fall asleep for the next workday.

“Try not to fall asleep on the road, that’s how we lost Benny last month.” says Todd while doing some paperwork.

“RIP to a real one.” Jackson adjusted her hat. Vince yawns and enters the cafeteria.

After a shot of espresso or two or three and a quick trip to the bathroom he’s back in action and ready to start the day.

Some deliveries later, most notorious being a kind old man carrying a wooden ventriloquist dummy and a wheelchair-bound redheaded girl in the home of the Gotham City Police commissioner. Still not the weirdest thing that happened on this day.

That honor would belong to another traffic jam, caused once again the Joker. Ten minutes later, once Batman arrives and the fighting begins, Harley Quinn gets thrown at the hood of the penguinmob— the delivery van.

After lifting herself up from what would’ve killed a normal person, she looks at the driver and in a flash she’s already inside the van, taking the passenger seat.

“Hey D-boy! Fancy meeting you again!” she grins “What brings you to this dangerous place?”

“Oh, I’m just finishing my route. I’ll bring the van back, check out and go home” Yep. He’s having a casual conversation with a psychotic supervillain who’s killed dozens of innocent people. He’s part of this life now.

“Aww, I was hoping you’d use your porta potty thingy to deliver something for me! Pretty please with a cherry on top!” She then pulls a letter from her cleavage and hands it to him.

Normally he’d be reluctant to just do a supervillain a favor (without being told) but he, and now she, knows he can’t resist a pretty face. He just nods in resignation.

“Can I come with you? And don’t say you can’t, no way The Penguin would take a minimum wage slave with him instead of one of his floozies!”

Meanwhile traffic starts flowing again and neither the masked man nor the clown notice the absence of a certain doctor gone mad.

Back at GPC, before leaving the van, Harley pulls out a revolver which makes Vince jump up and lean against the van door “I knew it! There’s no money in here! Please don’t kill me! I thought we were friends!”

Noticing how things look Harley pulls the gun away “Wait! It’s not what you think!” somehow, he calms himself enough to not pee his pants this time. “I’m not gonna hurt you, it’s just so your coworkers think I’m forcing you instead of you helping a dangerous psychopath on your own”

As a gesture of goodwill, she pulls it out again and empties the six bullets from the gun and drops them in the van floor. “There, empty as the heads of The Penguin’s arm candies.” He’ll hold his tongue for now. He then nods and both leave the car, her pretending to point the gun at him as he pulls his hands up and walk towards a nearby bathroom, somehow barely missing his friends.

“Whew. The Bird must be really desperate if he’s willing to shell out this much for a front.” Harley says admiring the clean and modern lobby and bathroom. Putting the gun away she follows Vince into the stall with a sign that says ‘NOPE’ and watches him stand in the dry toilet bowl.

“Now Harley, pay very close attention.” She listens to him and nods “Step on my feet and hold on to me. Then close your eyes or we won’t be going anywhere.” She nods once more but instead of just standing on his feet she hops on and wraps her legs around his waist and winks as they’re both transported to a humid bathroom covered in vegetation and soil.

Looking at the letter, he reads that it is addressed to one Dr. Pamela Isley. Plants. PI. He pieces the information in this head. It was quite obvious in hindsight.

“You brought me to the lair of misanthrope supreme Poison Ivy?!” he exclaims in total shock. He wasn’t in a mood to die tonight, especially for something he’s doing for free.

“Aww, Red’s not so bad. Sure, she doesn’t like humanity that much but… Maybe with time she can see what I see.”

“A quick, cheap and easy mode of transportation?”

“Right-a-rooney, D-boy! Boy, you sure learn fast!” she pats him on the head “Now listen closely. Stick close to me, don’t look around too much, don’t stare at her for too long and most importantly, don’t panic. Let me do the talking and speak only when spoken to.” He nods.

They leave the bathroom, his eyes focusing on one of Harley’s bouncing white balls on her head, until a vine wraps around his leg and makes him trip before lifting him up. He tries not to panic but he’s only human. “Harley! Help!”

Harley turns around and smiles when a female figure emerges from the shadows, a hand raised seemingly controlling the vine.

“Harley, dear, so nice of you to bring food for my babies.” the figure, now clearly identified as Poison Ivy, said in a fake sweet tone as she made the vine move towards the maw of a plant. A giant red cabbage with white polka dots with teeth.

“Heheheh, now wait a second Red, don’t kill him. He’s a friend of mine.” Harley tries to defend him. Ivy only raises an eyebrow.

“Give me one good reason Harls.” she slowly lowers him to the chewing mouth of the plant. He feels a warm liquid on his face, looking up he finds he peed himself again. This seems to be a pattern now.

“He’s the Deliverer!” Harley all but screams out as she notices the plant being low enough to reach his hair. At this both the vine and cabbage stop and she drops him next to the latter after which he scurries away, not noticing he bumped into Poison Ivy’s legs. Looking up he sees her pale green skin wearing a black leotard, black shoulder-length gloves and bright red hair.

“Don’t you dare touch me!”

He then gets up and gets a better look at her curves and her inhumane features, mainly her almost pure white eyes.

“Why are you even doing here?!” she snarls at him. He pulls out the letter Harley gave to him. “H-Harley wanted to give you this.” he stammers.

She snatches the letter off his hands, opens it and reads it in silence, frowning more and more with every passing second.

“You, wait here and don’t move a muscle. Harley, come with me.” She commands them both as she walks away and Harley can only shrug at Vince with an apologetic look before following Poison Ivy.

What followed felt like an eternity of silence, humidity which made him sweat and the possible movement of murderous mutant plant life lurking in the shadows. Looking at his phone, it’s not even been 20 minutes since Harley landed on the hood of the van.

Another eternity (five minutes) later both women return. The plant woman looking visibly less angry but still having her reservations. “Look, Deliverer, Harley told me everything.” He resists the urge to not groan at his now official moniker. She sighs “She told me you could be useful, that you can deliver anything and anyone from a toilet. So, I’m gonna use you. Later.”

He sighs in relief “Thank you for giving me—”

She raises her hand to stop him “That doesn’t mean we are anything, so don’t get cozy with me.” She then handles him a small empty box with a piece of paper on it. “You’re free to leave, Harley will stay a bit longer. Don’t even look at my plants funny or I’m gonna know.”

As he turns to leave, he hears her say “Misanthrope supreme? Cute.”

Back at the nope stall he takes a minute to calm down after surviving death once more and cleaning his bodily fluids from his pants. Fortunately, the rest of the day is dull and boring, just the way he likes to live life. Not even drinking the day away, just driving straight home to sleep and try to pretend this day wasn’t real.

Back at the lair of the plant woman, its owner was chastising the clown girl who could only look down apologetically. Apparently, the letter was Harley asking Poison Ivy to let her stay at her place for some time because The Joker got mad at something and started killing his henchmen and hitting her. Again. Which she then has the eternal conversation with Harley. Again. Before relenting and letting her stay. Again.

Chapter Text

Another day, another earful. This time from his actual boss Sanjay due to the state he brought back the van in the previous day. So much for pretending the last 24 hours didn’t happen.

“One would think supervillain attacks would be covered under natural disasters at this point.” Vince wonders at which his boss only sighs.

“They wised up and removed it. I’m not getting it out of your paycheck, Vince. It’s not every day there’s a supervillain rain.” The boss looks at his employee who seems to be reminiscing. “At least tell me she was cute.”

“It was Harley Quinn, sir” Vince smiles and Sanjay whistles. “Lucky you, boy. A cute one and all your limbs are intact. Maybe I should rub myself on you to get some of that luck” They both laugh. “Alright, I think I’ve taken way too much of your time. Go on, those packages won’t deliver themselves”

“Yes boss” As he leaves his boss’ office he turns to the reception and finds a bubbly blonde girl with pigtails wearing a white shirt and orange shorts talking with Todd about a package. One closer look to her face and he finds her familiar. Oh no, no way, that’s actually—

“Har—” he starts before she interrupts him.

“—leen Quinzel, yes. Nice to meet you sir.” She extends her hand which he shakes. Her voice doesn’t sound childish as usual. He’s got to keep appearances even though it’s likely futile at this point.

“Do you require any assistance?”

“Oh, no need sir. I’m just picking up something I ordered. We wouldn’t have this much of a hassle if Two-Face and the Joker hadn’t run Amazon out of Gotham!“ She exclaims, partially playing up the theatrics and actually venting her frustrations.

He sees her sign up a document and carrying her box out of the establishment. Todd nudges his head towards the door. Getting the hint, he leaves the building and finds Harleen sitting on the sideway next to his assigned van. He sits next to her.

“Something wrong, Harley?” He asks her and she leans her head against his shoulder.

“Don’t worry about me, D-Boy. I’m just moping like the sad clown I am.”

An awkward minute of silence ensues, broken by a seemingly innocuous question.

“Does this have to do with you staying with Ivy after I left?”

While he’s not much of a gossipy hen, he used to read local conspiracy forums to pass the time regarding Gotham’s Rogues. While some were blatantly false like the hats of The Penguin’s goons having mind-controlling devices (completely unnecessary when he can just line up their pockets) or Mr. Freeze’s ice puns (Is he even capable of making a joke?) but some had some meat on them like Bane being the equivalent of Batman in his home country (not like anyone can dispute that) or Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy being more than just friends (which does seem to be true based on their interaction from the previous day).

He could feel her nodding on the shoulder, no doubt smearing makeup on his uniform but he has more pressing matters at hand.

“Umm I’m not allowed to do this but… wanna come along to make some deliveries with me?”

“Sure. I don’t have anything better to do.” Vince then stands up and opens the passenger door for her. She then takes her package and stands up, taking her seat and waiting for him to close the door and get in. After a significant delay his daily route finally begins.

Unlike many other days this is by far the most enjoyable one of them all. For a second one could think Harley Quinn is actually a good person without blood on her hands. But sadly, he knows better. Even if her jokes are actually funny and her insights on the city and its inhabitants are enlightening.

They stop at a red light.

“Fuck, Marry and Kill, D-boy. Me, Red and Catwoman.“ Harley picked another game to pass the time.

“That’s actually a tough one. Can I get a do-over?” Vince asks while waiting for the light to go green.

“Nope, choose wisely. I may or not tell Red” she teases him. Making him squirm is so easy and fun.

“Alright… in that order: Ivy, you and Catwoman.” He answers and starts to move as the light finally turned green.

“You’d marry me? That’s sweet of you D-Boy, but my heart has already been taken.”

“Well, out of those you’re the only one I actually know.” He states matter-of-factly. He knows she’s going to tell Poison Ivy next time she sees her.

“And you’d fuck Red because…?”

“You’d be sad if she dies. And you’d probably nuke the city in grief or something.”

“Correct-o-mundo! You sure learn fast! Maybe I’m gonna start calling you D-man one of these days.”

As bad as D-boy may sound, D-man just seems even worse somehow. “Eh, I’m actually warming up to that name.“

She shrugs “Suit yourself, D-boy.”

After delivering the final package in his van he offers to take her back to Ivy’s, she guides him through the labyrinth that is Gotham until they arrive at an overgrown building that used to be a flower shop.

“Ivy lives here?”

“Yep, home sweet home. Thanks for the ride, D-boy. It was a blast!” she leans over and gives him a peck on the cheek, which makes him blush.

She then takes her package and exits the van, before entering the flower shop and hearing him driving away.

Back at the GPC, as Vince enters the building, he spots his friends standing on either side of the cafeteria doors, smiling smugly and nodding their heads.

“Someone got lucky I see.” Jackson gives him a thumbs up.

“It wasn’t like that; I just gave someone a ride home.” Vince tries to downplay the situation.

“The makeup on your shirt and face says otherwise. Come, let’s stuff our faces. We’re getting tacos.” Todd opens the door and the three get in.

A delicious meal and a full belly later it’s now time for the second shift, which means it’s time to use the toilet. His bosses thought it’d be better to split regular deliveries from the special ones.

Having learned from previous experiences (and learning the hard way his powers only activate when the package containing the address only works if he’s holding it in his hand) he keeps in his pocket a bunch of letters with the GPC address written on it.

First in his second shift is the Riddler, whose goons no longer point guns at him but he still makes fun of him for his lack of intelligence. Not that anyone can compare to him in grey matter.

After that comes a gorgeous woman called Peyton Riley, who would be perfection incarnate if she wasn’t talking to a ventriloquist dummy like it was her lover. And the puppet is the abusive one. Kinda reminds him of Joker and Harley but even more sad.

But all of them pale in comparison to one delivery for one Jonathan Crane, who he now learns is the real name of Scarecrow. Second to only the Joker in the most terrifying villain of them all. Harley advised to not even deliver anything, but if he had to just dump it on the ground and get out.

“Vincent Connor Ramsay, welcome to my labyrinth of fear.” He hears a terrifying voice. “In order to escape you must traverse it. But beware as your own mind becomes your worst enemy.” Scarecrow starts laughing maniacally as an orange gas begins flooding the room.

Dumping the package on the floor he jumps back to the toilet and narrowly escapes the effects of one of the gases that destroyed his mother’s mind.

Scarecrow stops laughing and notices Vincent is gone, and his package is on the floor. “Hmph. Clever boy.” He says to himself.

Turns out, just seeing the gas triggered an old memory since he spent the next 10 minutes crying in the stall. Fortunately, no one else was using the bathroom to hear him.

Leaving the bathroom, he checks out and goes to the bar with Jackson and Todd like normal. Unlike other times he’s drinking more than usual, which concerns his friends.

“Vince, you’re drinking too much. Stop” Todd says concerned.

“I must forget. Bad memory is back” Vincent replies, trying to take another sip before Jackson takes the bottle off his hand.

“What bad memory? What happened?” she asks worried as she takes his car keys away.

“Fear gas. Joker gas. My mother.” Vince breaks down in tears. They both console him for a bit until he calms down on his own. “I can’t drive like this.”

They drive Vincent and his car to his address and take him to bed in his apartment on the third floor, not before putting some cash and a note on his nightstand.

Following this, they drive his car back to Gotham Packaging Center where Todd’s parents are waiting for him and Jackson walks to her apartment. Hopefully Vincent will be better in the morning.

Back at Ivy’s, Harley is alone in the room that was given to her. She opens her package where she finds a pink dress, a framed picture of her college graduation, other assorted stuff and at the bottom her old college diploma. She smiles with tears in her eyes.

Maybe Red is right. Maybe she doesn’t need the Joker after all. Mistah J has turned her face into pudding for the last time. As long as she has real friends like her and D-boy, she doesn’t need anyone else.

Chapter Text

A night full of nightmares later, Vincent wakes up on his bed not knowing how he got there. He finds a folded note on his nightstand and some bills in it and proceeds to read it: “Vince, you got drunk and we took you home. Your car is back where you left it, here’s some cash for a cab. We won’t talk about last night if you’re not ready for it. -Todd”

Looking at his phone it’s 7:35 am, a quick shower and a cab ride later he arrives at GPC, not as tired as he was on Monday but still noticeable.

“Good morning.” says Jackson, covering her mouth. Whether she’s hiding a giggle at his appearance or pity for his rambling last night, he doesn’t know.

“Mornin’. God, I feel fucked.” He yawns and stretches. He forgot the sunglasses and he’s paying the price for it. “The sun is bullshit; can we get a supervillain to cover it?”

“Careful or someone actually might.”

“Whatevs. I’ll go get some coffee.” Vince proceeds to shamble his way to the cafeteria and orders one double shot of espresso.

As he proceeded to leave, he gets intercepted by Raven who grabs him by the wrist and drags him to The Penguin’s office, plopping him down on the chair before taking her place to the left of The Penguin’s chair opposite of Jay.

“My boy, I’ve been reading your report from your boss and the other supervillains.” The Penguin’s chair revolves, showing the man himself holding some papers. “I’m impressed. Astounded even. And I don’t tell that to anyone.” He smiles as he puts the papers on his desk.

“Thanks Mr. Cobblepot. It’s hard work and effort but I manage.” Vince replies focusing on him but the women at either side of him make that difficult.

“I think it is time to take your abilities to the next level.” Cobblepot snaps his fingers and Jay places a small but heavy package on Vince’s lap “A little test if you will. You’ll bring that package to a certain mercenary outside of Gotham.“

That’s something he’s never done before. Who knows what could happen if he went out of the city, best case scenario nothing or something bad at worst. Gulping he looks down at the package and reads it.

“Slade Wilson? Never heard of him.”

“That means he’s good at his job, kid.” He takes a drag of his cigar. “Do this well and Raven here will reward you on the weekend.” The aforementioned woman nods.

“Alright, I’ll add it to the pile and get to it on my after lunchtime.”

At this the Penguin bangs a fist on his desk, startling everyone.

“No, you do this now! If I wanted to wait, I wouldn’t have brought you here. Now get to it!” He orders the deliveryman. The black-haired girl opens the door to the private bathroom as the blonde one lifts him up and carries him to the mob boss’ private bathroom before dumping him on the toilet seat.

“Vincent. You’re a nice guy. Funny. Easy to tease.” Jay whisper-shouts. “So, when the boss tells you to do something you do it. No ifs or buts. Now he’s mad and Lark will have to calm him down.” She frowns. “Word of advice, do like his namesake and just smile and wave.”

“Alright. May I ask a question?”

“Save it for Raven on the weekend. Now go!” She said, almost pleading.

Clutching the rather heavy package he disappears in a flash of light and the sound of a toilet flushing.

Leaving the strange bathroom, he finds himself in what can accurately be described as an evil lair. A proper evil lair of a villain with a budget, featuring a training area and high-tech monitors all over the place. In the center of it are two figures locked in combat, the larger one seems to be male wearing black armor and a black and orange mask, the smaller one looks female wearing a similar getup whose mask covered only the top half of her face and letting her long white hair flow.

Seconds later he gets a nick on his cheek courtesy of a flying knife, the female one jumps and lands behind him, putting another knife on his throat.

“Who are you and how did you get here?” She asks.

An awkward minute passes by.

“Talk!” she then presses the knife a bit deeper. “Now!”

“There’s no need for that, Ravager. This young man is just doing his job.” Says the older man approaching them. He then takes the box off his hands and signs his clipboard.

“If that is all, I suggest you leave before you become intimately familiar with carbon steel.”

Another few seconds of silence ensued before Vincent finally spoke.

Fidgeting his pockets he realizes he left the papers with GPC address back home. “I don’t suppose you could give me a ride back to Gotham City, right?”

At this, Deathstroke gave one hearty laugh. “Facing death and you still have the nerve to ask for a cab? You’ve got some guts in you, kid. Alas I’m afraid my methods of transportation are… unavailable at the moment.”

“Maybe I’ll walk. How far is this place anyway?”

At this both man and woman laugh, the latter laughing so hard she drops the knife, making the former stop laughing.

“Are you really gonna walk back all the way to Gotham?! You’re on the West Coast you idiot!” Ravager said between laughs. The man stares at her and frowns.

“Ravager, are you on good terms with the Titans at the moment?” The older man asks and that stops her in her tracks. Now that puts a smile on his face.

After this both female assassin and delivery guy walk through the busy streets of Jump City, California; she’s grumbling all the way about having to be a babysitter and kicking herself over not being able to control herself. The city has seen such weird stuff such sight is basically routine.

“How far is it?” Vince asks as they’ve been walking so much it’s almost noon.

She groans and points at a faraway building. “See that building in the shape of a T? That’s the place. Now stop complaining and keep walking” She pushes him along.

“Why don’t we ask for a cab or something?”

“One, nobody goes there. Two, do I look like the kind of person that uses public transport?! And three, even if I did I… I’m not carrying any money with me.” She says that last part embarrassed.

Whatever he’s about to say gets interrupted by a gorgeous orange girl falling from the sky in front of them. She’s wearing silver form-fitting armor from the neck below, a purple crop top and skirt and long black hair. Before she can stand up another similar girl sans armor with red hair steps on her chest as a dark shadow crow that turns into a girl, a green boy, a robot and the Boy Wonder himself arrive at the scene.

“And stay down, sister!” yells the standing orange girl before noticing the two-person crowd and smiling.

“Friend Rose, so nice to see you. Is this your mate?” She asks innocently which makes Vince and Ravager blush and shake his head and hands. “He/She’s not my girl/boyfriend!” They say at the same time. “I like them a bit older” He mutters which everyone with super hearing overhears.

The robot laughs “Relax Ravager, you know how Starfire is.” He then turns at Vince “But seriously, who is this?”

It’s Ravager’s turn to talk “Well, I got a package and he delivered it.” She lied blatantly. The shadow girl is not convinced.

“There’s more to that and you know it.” She crosses her arms and Ravager relents.

“Fine. He came out of the toilet in a flash of light and a flushing sound.”

‘Huh. So that’s how people know where to wait for me. That explains a lot.” Vince thinks to himself.

“So, it’s true. You are the Deliverer I’ve heard so much about!” Finally speaks Robin, the only one of them Vince actually recognizes. He used to be Batman’s kid sidekick but it seems he’s grown up.

“Deliverer? No offense dude, but that sounds lame as hell.” The green boy blurts out causing the shadow girl to slap him upside the head.

At this, Vince groans and rolls his eyes. “Tell me about it. For the record, I didn’t choose it.” Vince finally speaks.

“Doesn’t matter. Look, can we continue this elsewhere? Like your tower?” Ravager speaks, clearly this has become weirder than usual.

Unbeknown to them, the girl on the ground is conscious and listening to every word. She’s already formulating her next plan.

Back at their T Tower, after rather awkward introductions, Vince and Ravager explain their situation to Robin as Cyborg and Beast Boy play videogames on their massive screen, Raven retreats to her room and Starfire goes to another part of the tower to lock her sister up.

Ravager shrugs “...And that's all I was told.”

Robin then turns to Vincent “So you need a ride to Gotham? Sure, I was gonna go there anyways.”

Vincent sighs in relief “Fantastic, thank you very much. When do we depart?”

“Well, I have some things to do here. Is tomorrow at dawn ok to you?” Robin replies.

Vince deflates a bit “Sure, I’ll be there. Where would I sleep?”

“Talk to Beast Boy, he’ll set you up. Ravager, let me take you back.” Says Robin. Ravager nods and both leave the Titan Tower.

Vince goes to sit next to the green boy “So… Today really happened, huh?”

“Yep” replied Beast Boy, not missing a beat from his game. ”You can sleep here. I’ll send you a blanket.”

“Thank you. Does sororicide happen here often?” They pause the videogame to look at him “Soro-what now?” asks the green boy.

“It’s Latin.”

Cyborg answers “He means killing one’s sister. But yes. It happens quite often around here.” They resume their game.

“I didn’t know you were Latino, dude.”

“I’m not. I said Latin. I learned Latin in college.”

And so, the hours passed. Before getting pummeled by them both at their game he made a call to both his boss and the boss about being stuck in California and may arrive at work a bit later than usual. The former was understanding and told him Todd covered for him again. He really needs to do something nice for him. As for the latter, Raven from the Iceberg Lounge told him The Penguin calmed down after Lark did what she always does and receiving confirmation from Deathstroke that he got his package so next time he sees him he won’t blow his brains out. She laughed after hearing audibly gulp from the other end of the line.

It is now nighttime and Vince really needs to go so he stumbles in the dark trying to find the bathroom before a voice makes him jump.

“It’s the other door.” Turning around he finds the Titan Raven holding a folded blanket which he takes.

“Thank you” he says.

“Your powers, tell me about them.” She says in her monotonous voice.

He then proceeds to explain the nature of his powers. How he needs to touch a toilet while holding something with an address while having his eyes closed before disappearing in a flash and a flush.

“I see. No wonder. In case you wanted to know, your powers are magical in origin. They seem unpredictable. Your parents lacked it but your children are likely to have them.”

“Probably? Can’t say I knew if they did.” He shrugs. She turns back to her room.

“By the way, you may already know this, but your powers make you valuable and many will do their best to get you to get to them. You are being used already but I guess you figured that one out.“

With that Raven closes the door to her room. He takes his leak and goes to sleep on the couch, wrapped in the blanket.

From the shadows a certain Tamaranean overheard the conversation and smiles.

A few hours later an alarm sounds, which startles him and makes him fall to the floor.

Looking at his phone, it’s 4:25 am. He just groans “Robin, I know you said we leave at dawn but this is a bit early, don’t you think?” he says to himself.

“It wasn’t me, there’s an attack on the city” Robin then activates the screen which shows surveillance of Jump City. Three guys, one girl and a child with a jetpack are attacking the bank.

“The H.I.V.E. Five. Why is it always them?” Cyborg states, glaring at the screen. Raven remains silent.

“Yawn, why can’t they attack during the morning like normal people? Preferably after breakfast.” Beast Boy gives another yawn.

“Because they aren’t the normal, Garfield friend.” Starfire says in her weird way of speaking. He was told her and the other girl are aliens from the planet Tamaran. He wonders if his powers can get him there.

“Titans, let’s go! Vince, stay here. I said we leave at dawn and I mean it.” Robin states as the five of them leave.

Vince tries to go back to sleep but the glare of the screen prevents him so he has no choice but to sit and watch the evildoers fight the heroes.

“Quite the bunch, aren’t they?”

A new voice joins him, and the person it belongs to sits next to him. It’s Starfire’s sister Blackfire, she’s escaped from wherever she was being held.

“Please don’t bother. I’ll be gone by the time you call them and your brains would paint this couch.” She said as she spotted him trying to reach his phone which stops him in his tracks.

“Red and pink would clash horribly with the décor” he said, trying not to sound scared.

She just laughs “You have quite the tongue, don’t you? Name's Blackfire.”

“What do you want with me?”

“Nothing. I just want you to give them a message.”

“Which is?”

She turns around to face him, the screen highlighting her shadows making her look scarier than normal.

“They cannot hold me forever.”

He nods as she stands up and walks to a nearby window. “I feel you staring at me. Enjoy it, not that there’s much else you can do.” She opens it and flies away, disappearing into the darkness of the very early morning.

The Titans return, with the members of the H.I.V.E. Five tied up, to the Tower less than an hour later, after which Vince tells them Blackfire escaped. Beast Boy looks disappointed, Raven is unreadable, Starfire is angry, Robin doesn’t seem fazed and Cyborg is heard muttering about improving the holding cells.

“Well, a deal is a deal. Follow me. Titans, lock these guys up and don’t take your eyes off them.” Robin and Vince then walk away towards the vehicle hangar where there’s a jet that looks similar to the ninja stars he throws and have become quite the collectible for certain enthusiasts in Gotham.

They get in the jet and a few buttons and levers changes later they take off at supersonic speed and fly towards Gotham City, New Jersey.

What nobody realized was Blackfire was waiting on the rooftop of the Titan Tower for the jet to take off and once it did, she followed it not too closely as to not trigger any proximity alarm and hiding in the clouds.

An hour and a half later the jet lands in Gotham City. Blackfire is still in the air, watching them. She sees them shaking hands and a little while later a cab arrives and takes Vince away while Robin takes a motorcycle from his jet and goes on to his own business.

Blackfire follows the cab back to Gotham Packaging Center, where she waits for and follows Vincent along his route, back to the building, arriving back from who knows where several times, walking towards the bar and finally driving home.

She sees him entering his apartment and smirks. Now she knows his daily routine. A little convincing and she’ll have him on the palm of her hand. And if he truly can teleport to literally anywhere no matter the location, his powers will be hers and only hers to use. She flies away from Gotham City, planning to return with a proper game plan.

The previous day, at Deathstroke’s lair, he opened his package which contained a note from a coalition of villains hiring him to get to Gotham and kill Batman, the note states that half the payment is in the box and the other he will get after the Caped Crusader is confirmed dead.

Inside the box are several pure gold ingots. Deathstroke remains seated, pondering his answer.

Chapter Text

It is Thursday already.

The previous day, after his adventure in California and across the country in less than two hours, he arrived at a local airfield located close to Wayne Manor, after which Robin called him a cab that took him to GPC to start the day as per usual. Throughout the day he couldn’t shake the feeling he was being watched (more than what Gotham’s Scum usually watches anyway), culminating in Raven from the Iceberg Lounge giving him his reward early. Surprising both of them he didn’t just collapse on the bed to wake up the next day in the afternoon like the previous time.

Now at GPC, he feels fresh and energized.

“Someone looks chipper this morning” Todd says as he sees Vince walk in full of confidence and his head held high.

“Yep, I feel like a million dollars. I feel so fine not even a Joker-induced traffic jam can bring me down.” He says confidently as Jackson opens the door for a costumer.

“A million dollars, you say? Careful, someone may want to steal you away.” says a voice behind him.

Said voice belong to a gorgeous woman with short black hair wearing a white turtleneck sweater, a dark blue skirt, black thighs and brown flats. Neither Vince, Jackson nor Todd can take their eyes off of her.

“That’s right boys and girls, take it all in. Enjoy the view all you want.“ The woman says, basking in their gazes, which seems to snap them out of their trance. Todd is the first to clear his throat.

“Welcome to Gotham Packaging Center, ma’am. Is there something we can do for you?” Todd blurts out quickly.

“Oh, look at the time. I have packages to deliver. Later Todd!” Vince blurts out as he leaves the building towards the van. To his surprise, Jackson follows him.

“Vince, do you know who that was?” she asks him.

“You mean Selina Kyle, Bruce Wayne’s current girlfriend? Of course I do.” Okay, maybe he is into a bit of gossip after all.

“The very same one. And we acted like drooling idiots in front of her.”

“She has that effect on both men and women.”

As Vince and Jackson were gossiping about Bruce Wayne’s love life his phone alarm sounds. Vince now is late for his deliveries.

“Now I’m late. Try not to drool too much or you could summon Aquaman” Vince said, getting in the van and starting it.

“Oh fuck you Vince.” Jackson laughs before returning to GPC.

Alongside his route he finds Harley Quinn in her civilian disguise, carrying shopping bags, and offers her a ride which she accepts.

“Thanks for picking me up D-boy! I’ve been waiting for the bus for ten minutes” Harley says setting the bags on the floor of the van.

“Anytime, Harley. What are friends for?” As he drives, they find a bus on fire. Fortunately, it seems to be empty.

 “I think we found your bus, Harley.”

“No wonder I’ve been waiting for a long time!”

“You think Ivy did it? For the pollution and all.”

“Nah, Red goes after big companies. A bus is nothing.”

After the burning bus it was quite an uneventful ride until they got to the overrun flower shop.

“You’re always a delight to be around, D-boy!” she says as she gives him two pecks on the cheek before taking her shopping bags and exiting the van.

She stops before entering Ivy’s home and turns around. “You know what D-boy? I’m very glad I met you. You and Red have helped me a lot these past few days” she smiles warmly “Never change, ya hear me?” With that she turns around once more and enters the flower shop.

Vince has the biggest smile he’s ever had and his confidence is higher than ever, and that’s a high he’ll ride for the rest of the day.

Back at the cafeteria, he, Jackson and Todd are teasing one another over their meal of the day, a slice of New York Pizza.

“Tell us already man, who’s the lucky lady?” Jackson pleads, while Todd likely knows the answer.

“Sorry, a gentleman never kisses and tells” Vince says, taking a bite of his meal, the cheese stretching from his mouth to the paper plate.

“By the way, fuck the two of you for leaving alone with such a gorgeous woman. It’s not like I needed help getting my foot out my mouth or anything.” Todd complains about what happened in the morning. To say he embarrassed himself was an understatement.

“Sorry about that, but I was actually late.” Vince didn’t technically lie; he was running late that morning.

“And what’s your excuse?” Todd turns to the female of the group.

“I… I didn’t want to embarrass myself?” Jackson finally admits.

Todd sighs “Well at least one of us got lucky today” He refers to Vince.

“Can I say… no comment?” Vince says.

“That’s technically a comment” Jackson replies.

“Guys really, it was just a kiss” He tries to downplay it.

“Two kisses” She replies.

“Still more action than any of us two combined. Selina Kyle only opened a P.O. box and left.” Todd sighs again. “I hated to see her go but I enjoyed watching her leave.”

“That makes two of us” Jackson says finishing her meal.

“Speaking of no action” Vince laughs as he and Todd finish their meal.

After that the three of them leave the cafeteria back to their posts now that lunch time is over.

It’s time to work once more at the nope stall, which has been expanded by taking over the stall to its right that went unused. The other toilet was removed and replaced with a chair with a small desk in front of it where he can keep tab on the packages he has to send that day.

Fortunately, he only has five to deliver today and two of them go towards the same person. Taking them first, he uses his toiletportation (he finally chose a name, the one his father used first) powers to get to The Riddler.

He’s delivered so many packages to the super genius already he only has to place them on his desk and wait for a few seconds for him to sign his clipboard before returning. This time he has the return addresses on his person, unlike his time in Jump City where he was hungover and forgot them.

The next package belongs to a woman he’s not sure he’s seen but it has the address of the home above Killer Croc’s section of the sewers. To his surprise Waylon Jones is already in her kitchen eating cookies and drinking homemade lemonade. He bears his sharp teeth at Vince before he hurries back to the bathroom and returns to GPC.

The fourth one went to Peyton Riley again. Watching her molest herself using that creepy doll dressed like a mobster was far more disturbing than anything he was prepared to see that day. Seeing her make the puppet sign and it slapping her ass was too much and shuddered once he returned to GPC.

The final one went to a carpenter girl named Jenna Duffy. She was nice and nothing in her shop stood out as something belonging to a supervillain. She even gave him a dollar as a tip. Maybe someone put her package in the special section by mistake.

At the bar Vince, Todd and Jackson are joined by Sanjay who is in a bad mood after getting bad news regarding some investments.

“That’s what happens when you enter a market after it collapses, mister boss” Todd pats Sanjay’s back as he drowns his sorrows away.

“It’s not the end of the world, boss” Jackson says

“That was half my life savings” Sanjay replies before falling asleep on the table.

“Although you may wish it was.” Vince whispers before calling a cab.

Back at home Vince turns the lights on and finds a stranger sitting on his couch waiting for him to arrive.

The cat burglar of Gotham herself, Catwoman in all her black spandex glory, stands up and approaches him “My little mouse finally enters his lair.”

She circles around him, rubbing her metal claws on his bare skin as she does so and closing the door, before stopping in front of him.

An awkward silence ensues.

“T-There’s nothing of value here. No jewels, no documents. Nothing.”

“A little birdy told me you’ve been helping my friend Harley Quinn when she needed it the most. And I wanted to thank you personally.”

With that follows another romp on his bed. He never suspects any other ulterior motives nor the red led lights on his electronics getting a teensy bit larger.

Chapter Text

Thank goodness it’s Friday. Like Jay, Catwoman didn’t stay the night. Unlike her, she left pancakes on the table. Ten out of ten, would help Harley again.

Getting to work he notices a green trophy in the shape of an interrogation sign next to the entrance of GPC, picking it up gets him a mild electric shock and the distorted voice of the Riddler coming from it “You’re not the Dark Knight, it’s not for you!”.

Oh great, another supervillain plot has started. Time to stock on supplies and hunker down at home while waiting for Batman to undo whatever damage they’ve done and send them back to their second home on Arkham Island, not that they stay there for long. It’s gonna be a long weekend.

Entering his workplace, he finds Selina Kyle leaving a package for delivery. As she leaves, she winks at Vince as she struts out of the door. Somehow memories from last night begin to resurface-- son of a bitch.

“How’s the great flood coming, guys?” he says to both Jackson and Todd, the latter wiping some drool from his face.

“Very funny, Deliverer.” Jackson replies which shuts him up real quick.

“I didn’t choose that lame name.”

“And that’s why people keep using it.” She then looks to the ornate door. “Oh great, here come the Playboy rip-offs.”

Lark and Jay arrive to take him away to The Penguin.

“Surely there’s got to be a better way to summon him. Like calling or messaging him, for example.” she tells them.

Larks turns her head at her “That’s how the boss wants it and that’s what he’s gonna get.” Before disappearing into the adjacent building.

“My boy you have pleased me. And I don’t tell that to anyone.” The Penguin leaned back on his chair, Jay to his left and Lark to his right. Looking down Vince sees the tips of two upside down high heels poking out of the desk and now he knows where the third member of the ensemble is.

“Everyone you’ve sent packages to have agreed on our… conditions. And if I’m pleased that means I want everyone to also get pleased. I’m giving you and the rest of GPC a bump in your next paycheck.”

At this Vince’s face lights up. He didn’t expect such amazing news this day.

“That’s… amazing Mr. Cobblepot! Thank you!”

“Let it be known I can be a generous boss. But I also expect results, specially from you. Your desk is stacked with special packages and I expect them all to be delivered today. I don’t care if you have to say until midnight to do so.” Cobblepot shudders a bit, yet it’s not cold at all.

“I understand sir, I’ll get to it right away.”

“Excellent. Lark, take him back to his van.”

At this he stands up and she takes him by the arm to the street.

“Is this related to the Riddler trophy outside of GPC?” Vince asks.

“Yes.” Was her answer.

“Does he expect to be arrested for taking part in it?”

“If you value your life you’ll cease with these questions.”

“Alright. Any advice?”

“Stay in your apartment and don’t leave for any reason whatsoever.” With that she leaves him and returns to the Iceberg Lounge.

His route has been uneventful so far. Not even the packages are notorious in size or weight.

Suddenly a fire truck rushes by, followed by another one then an ambulance. Something must’ve happened.

Finishing his route he decides to visit Harley at Ivy’s. And now he knows why there were so many emergency service vehicles.

Ivy’s home, and the surrounding buildings, are on fire.

A large crowd of onlookers, emergency personnel and vehicles are at the scene, with police rerouting traffic. Before he arrives, he sees Harley and Ivy in a nearby alley, the latter crying on the former’s shoulder.

He parks the van and rushes towards them.

“What happened?!” He asks, scared but relieved they’re ok.

“Oh D-boy, it was horrible. We were attacked!” Harley tries not to cry herself, as she’s consoling Ivy.

Ivy calms down eventually, still burying her face on Harley’s shoulder.

“They killed my babies, Deliverer. My research. Everything is gone.” She cries again before turning around and facing him, with hot tears in her bloodshot eyes “And when I find whoever did this I will tear them apart with my bare hands and use their entrails as compost!“

“Do you have a place to stay or—” Vince starts before Harley interrupts him.

“Don’t worry about us, we have a place. I know you’re busy delivering and all but could you be so kind take us there?” Harley pleads and he nods.

“Of course. What are friends for?”

He then opens the door of the passenger seat and both women enter. They can both fit there apparently. He then follows their instructions to their other place.

Driving away from the scene the girls look back at their home for one last time and the waterworks resume. Even he can’t help but feel pity at the villain who not even a week ago tried to feed him to a mutated plant, who either burned to death or will get crushed by debris.

Following Harley’s directions they arrive at… his building. Looks like he’ll be seeing them more often from now on.

After leaving the van and before walking to the building Harley turns back at him “You know D-boy, you never told me your name.”

He smiles “I’m Vincent, Harleen.” With that Harley gives him a small peck on the lips. “Bye, Vinny!”

Ivy then takes a look at him. “See you around, Vincent.” She then shakes his hand with the faintest hint of a smile. And with that both ladies enter the building. Where in the building will they stay in, he doesn’t know. But it’ll be interesting when they find out he also lives there.

Back at GPC Vince is in a melancholic mood as seeing his friend and her friend in such an emotional state brought him down. He sighs. He’s eating with Todd since Jackson got a visit from her sister and took her out for lunch.

“What’s wrong Vince? I haven’t seen you this down since… I haven’t seen you this down.” Todd almost brings up the time he got drunk at the bar but they agreed not to talk about until he was ready.

“Nothing happened to me. It’s just a friend’s house burned down and they lost everything.”

“That’s rough man. I hope they’re ok.” He pats him on the shoulder.

“They are. I’m gonna have to ask you a favor.”

“Sure. Ask away.”

“I’m gonna be here all night delivering last minute packages. Orders from above. I’ll have to ask you to get me some supplies and put them on my couch before the supervillain extravaganza that’s gonna happen soon.”

“Of course. Just send me the list and you can wire me after I send you the bill.”

“Thanks buddy. You can use my car; I’ll use the toilet to get home.”

“What are friends for, right?”

Following lunchtime, and sending Todd his shopping list, came the most grueling, extensive use of his powers so far.

Several more last-minute packages to the Riddler (which he’s now learned it’s hundreds of those green trophies that he’s scattered all over the city).

Several unremarkable packages go towards the following: Two-Face, Catwoman, Killer Croc and the Joker. Thankfully the latter wasn’t at his base and a henchman received it instead.

And then there’s the final package, addressed to none other than his pal Harley Quinn in her new address.

Prior to sending it he leaves the stall to check out of work and, just from the gap between the doors to the exterior he sees a massive fire outside. Back to the toilet it is.

Using his powers for the last time that day he arrives at a well-lit clean bathroom. Opening the door Harley Quinn jumps on him and hugs him. She’s wearing a pink nightgown “D-boy! What a nice surprise! Hey Red, look who’s coming to visit!” she yells at her friend.

“Yeah yeah, I heard the toilet, Harls.” Ivy appears, wearing an oversized shirt and holding a coffee mug. “What brings you here, Deliverer?”

“Well, the boss had me there working overtime and this is the final package.” Harley then takes it off his hand as he looks at them wearing pajamas. “I guess you’re not taking part in this villain scheme?”

Ivy shakes her head while Harley sits on the floor and tears open her package. “Nah, not this time. We’ll just hunker down like everyone else.”

“HOW DARE HE?!”

They both look down at her, who is now tearing the package.

“After all he did to me, now he wants me back?!” Harley is furious and continues to tear both paper and cardboard.

Ivy kneels down to console a now devastated Harley. “I think this is your cue, Vincent.”

“Yep.” With that he leaves the apartment through the front door.

Back outside in the hallway he finds they live on the third floor, just like him. A distant explosion causes him to rush towards his apartment and stay there.

Chapter Text

It may be a sunny Saturday morning but there may as well be a hurricane outside. According to the news, the whole event was organized by The Joker with help from The Riddler, Scarecrow, Penguin and Black Mask. Hopefully he remains employed at the end of it all.

Unlike other occasions this one didn’t end last night, in fact it’s still ongoing and may last for the whole weekend. Oh well, at least he’s got nothing else to do.

Hours later as he’s trying to follow an online recipe, there’s a knock on his window, followed by the window opening and someone entering the apartment. Turning around he finds Blackfire in all her glory floating on his kitchen.

He almost drops the ingredients he’s carrying in surprise “The fuck are you doing here?!”

She pretends to be offended “Why, can’t a girl just come visit her friend at his home?”

“Are we even friends?”

“Your head is still in one piece so I’d say we’re not enemies.” She then looks at the food on his hands. “You’re making us lunch? Don’t mind if I do.”

“How did you evade security?”

“What security? Oh, you mean the houseplant and the clussy. They went out.” How does she even know that word?

Makes sense, they must still have enough villain cred left and they can defend themselves if they have to.

His thoughts get interrupted by Blackfire plopping herself on his couch and flipping through the tv channels.

“Let me know when lunch’s ready! Flying across this country opens the appetite.”

Like hell is he—who is he kidding, he’ll prepare something for her too and he knows it.

An hour later he sets two bowl of tomato soup on the table. To his surprise she didn’t leave him alone making lunch for two like an idiot.

Oh he’s so already regretting this. “Blackfire, lunch’s ready.”

Surprising him once more she turns the tv off and sits at the table. A while later she stands up and goes to rummage his fridge.

“What the hell are you doing?!” He asks, outraged at such display of terrible manners.

“What? It needs flavor. You earthlings know what is, right?”

She then dumps a ton of mustard and ranch on her soup and slurps it from the bowl.

“Good thing I’m done eating.” he then slides his bowl away from him, watching the bizarre spectacle.

“Ahh. Delicious. My compliments to the chef.”

“Yeah, thanks. Least you can do is the dishes.”

“But isn’t it the host’s job to make sure his guests feel at home?”

“One, you’re not a guest. Two, my supplies are just enough for one person and three all this has been incredibly rude of you.” He knows he’s playing with fire, talking back to an alien who can travel through space, but at this point he doesn’t even care.

She inhales and exhales, and finally relents. “Fine. I’ll bring you dinner later.”

“Tha—wait, no, the dishes are the least you can do!” He puts his foot down.

She yawns and lifts her top, revealing her form-fitting armor covering everything from the neck down. “What dishes?”

He knows he’s lost the war before it even began and so does she.

He takes the dirty dishes to the sink before wiping the table off the condiments his uninvited guest spilled.

“For real, what are you even doing all the way here? Surely you have a base of operations in space or somewhere else.”

Pulling her top back down she relaxes on the chair “I told you; I came to visit a friend.”

“Well, you can leave anytime to visit that friend of yours.”

“But I have, and let me tell you he can make quite the soup. Even if it is a little bland for me.”

The conversation is clearly going nowhere and he turns his focus instead on the dishes.

It is now 9:45 p.m. and true to her word Blackfire did in fact brought dinner: a cheeseburger for him and a bag of chicken nuggets with all manner of condiments for her.

“You did pay for this, right?”

“Just eat your dinner, Deliverer.”

And there it is, confirmation she doesn’t really care about him. Alas he’s but a hostage in his own home so he’s got no option to play along for the time being.

After dinner and watching her devour one kilogram of chicken nuggets all by herself, she even swatted his hand away when he tried to pick one that fell to the ground, it was clear his ‘guest’ needed a nudge to leave.

“Well, it was fun while it lasted but the best part about visitors is when they leave.” He then opens the door and waves his hand out.

Getting the hint Blackfire stands up and walks to the door… only to slam it shut and pick him up by the throat until he reaches her eye level. Too bad for him she’s almost 1.90 meters tall and he’s just 1.70.

She drops the friendly tone she’s been using all day. “Enough pleasantries, ‘friend’. Are you that dense or do you really have a death wish?” Her eyes then start glowing a black light and so does her free hand.

He can barely shake his head in response. She drops him on the floor and goes back to her fake friendly tone.

“I’m glad we could clear our misunderstandings, friend! Now, where would I sleep?” She looks down at him who is coughing and wheezing and holding his throat in general, pointing at the couch.

“Hmm… Nah. I’ll use your bed.”

“What?!”

“Oh relax, I’m not kicking you out of your own bed. You can sleep with me.“

As he processes what she just said, she starts wandering around the department, getting herself acquaintanced with her new hideout. He recovers enough to follow her around to make sure she doesn’t break or steal anything. They end up in his bedroom.

She plops herself on the bed and rolls to the right. “Hmm, I can work with this.” She then takes a framed picture from the night stand, of a man and a woman in fancy clothes. “Who are they?”

“My parents.”

“Where are they?”

“My father lives outside of town in an opulent mansion. He launders money for the mob.”

“I see. And your mother?”

At this he sits on the bed and looks away from her “…I don’t want to talk about it.”

Frowning she sets the frame back “Oh you will tell me and you will tell me everything… eventually. This bothers you and I won’t press it further.”

“Thanks.”

He then hears a button being pressed, some mechanical sounds and finally feels something warm on the back of his neck before a pair of arms wrap themselves around his upper chest.

“Are you…”

“Yes. Want me to stop?”

A few seconds of silence later he responds “…No.”

After brushing his teeth and hiding his toothbrush, it’s finally time for bed. He’s on his underwater and Blackfire is completely naked once she removes her bracers and metal collar.

Twisting and turning he eventually calms down when his face meets the bosom of his uninvited guest. At this she smirks and gets his head closer before going to sleep herself. Phase one of her plan is complete. Hook.

Meanwhile somewhere else earlier in the night

“You saw that too, Red?”

“Yes I did, Harls. Looks like one of our neighbors has an alien invasion of their own.”

“Wanna go check it out?”

“Nah, let them have their probing in private. It’s none of our business.”

“True that. Night, Red!”

“Sleep well, Harley.”

Chapter Text

Another day, another—wait, what is this feeling? It’s dark but peeking up he can see the sleeping face of his ‘guest’ from last night. He can’t stand up because her arms are wrapped tightly around his head. There’s no option but to wait until she wakes up.

Unbelievable, a girl finally stays the night. So that’s how it feels like, to feel another warm body first thing in the morning. He could get used to it.

Further thoughts get shoved aside when his head gets released by the woman yawning and stretching, before sitting on the bed.

“Good morning sunshine! How’s my new friend doing in this fine morning?”

“I… slept very well, thanks for asking.”

“I know. You’re welcome by the way.”

She then gets out of the bed and walks towards the bathroom, flaunting her body in the process.

She then turns to him “You ARE making breakfast, right?”

“Only if you tell me why are you here.”

She then rolls her eyes “Fine. Deal.” And gets in the bathroom, closing the door.

After that he proceeded to make breakfast. As he’s setting the table there’s a knock on the door, after which it opens and his father enters the apartment.

“Good morning son” says the older man as he sits himself at the table.

“Oh, hi dad, what brings you here?” his son replies, surprised but pleased to see him.

“You know, stuff. I wanted to come see you and I wondered if--” before he can finish, he gets interrupted by the bathroom door opening abruptly.

“Vince, your soap is shit. You’re out of shampoo by the way.” Came the source of the rude interruption, Blackfire coming out of the bathroom, her hair and body wet and she’s wearing a towel around her waist… and nothing else.

Vince’s dad eyes her before eyeing his son “Vince, I had no idea you had a lady friend over.”

Vince is redder than a tomato watching his topless intruder near his father. “It’s not what it seems, dad!” he then turns to the woman in the room “And you, get the hell dressed!”

Blackfire just rolls her eyes. “Fine, but don’t expect anything else from me.” She starts the offended act as she turns towards the bedroom “And after we slept together last night. The nerve!” she slams the door shut, with her not in the bathroom.

“Well, this is awkward. Anyways, I just came to see if you were ready for our monthly visit to your mother next Saturday.“ His father blurts out, also embarrassed by the bizarre spectacle he just witnessed.

“Yes of course, I’m ready now.” Vince says unaware he’s been listened to.

“That’s great but I have stuff to do.” “Yeah… see you next weekend dad.”

After the older Ramsay leaves the younger one turns his attention at his alien invader who just grins at him.

“You’re doing all this on purpose, aren’t you” Vince tells her.

And she just chuckles in his face “Of course I am. Do something about it, human.”

With no retort left Vince just sits on his couch, sulking and glaring at her.

“Good boy.” She then pinches his cheek after patting him on the head “Now if you excuse me, I must return to my shower. Get better soap next time.” Before returning to the bathroom and resuming her shower.

Hours pass, Blackfire steals more food and objects for Vince and herself, like she thinks is a crude form of payment or something and with it comes another shouting match.

“Stop bringing these stolen goods into my apartment! I don’t want the cops on my ass!” Shouts the delivery man.

“I said it once and I’ll say it again: Do. Something. About. It.” replies the alien princess.

“I am!” He replies back.

The more it goes on, the louder they get until the neighbors can’t handle it anymore and kick open the door, with Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy bursting in, armed with an oversized gun and a plant wrapped around the arm respectively.

“Stop making so much noise! Wait, D-Boy?” Harley lowers her gun at the sight of her friend underneath some orange woman on the floor.

Seeing the two intruders Blackfire stands up and smiles evilly. “If it isn’t the houseplant and the clussy. Man, my host down here should’ve told me he had friends in low places.”

“Shut up!” yells Harley as she aims at her before Poison Ivy raises her hand up to tell her to hold her fire. “Who are you?” asks the green woman.

“Why, I’m just a friend of his. More like a tenant since I’ve been paying him for lodging.” It is clear she’s in complete control of the situation and is toying with the three humans.

“I didn’t ask for you or any of this stolen shit!” Vince manages to reply.

At this Blackfire fires a dark energy beam from her eyes towards the TV, causing it to burst into flames.

The fire makes Ivy move away while Harley finally shoots at Blackfire. As she comes to find out the hard way, Tamaraneans are bulletproof and the bullets ricochet and impact all over the apartment, causing some damage to the furniture and some barely missing Vince. She keeps firing until the gun clicks, signaling it being empty. The two human women stare at the alien in disbelief.

“I believe my point has been made.” Blackfire says as she approaches the window and opens it. “This dump has been getting too boring as of late.” She then turns to Vincent in her fake friendly voice “See you later, new best friend!” and she flies away to who knows where.

Once the commotion is over Harley tries her best to put out the fire by filling a pitcher from the sink and pouring its contents on the burning pile of plastic that used to be a tv. Ivy helps him back on the couch and inspects him for wounds. Eventually the fire gets put out.

“Who the fuck was that?!” Harley exclaims, looking at the damage the ricochet bullets caused.

“Some alien princess called Blackfire. Who for some reason crashes into my home.” Vince answers.

A few seconds later Harley shakes her head “Wait, D-Boy, we’ve been neighbors for two days and you don’t even come and say hi?”

“Time and place, Harley.” Ivy tries to ease tensions, which seems to be working.

“Well, what you saw here when you kicked open the door has been the situation I’ve been in for the entire weekend.” He replies.

With a deep breath Harley looks at him “Don’t worry D-Boy, you helped us with our home and we’ll help you with yours.”

Ivy nods. “By the time you return home from work your home will look good as new.”

At this he stands up and gives them one big hug “Thanks guys, where would I be without you?”

Ivy looks uncomfortable being touched by a man so suddenly while Harley pats him on the back “Hey what are friends for, right?”

“You can let go now.” Ivy pleads and he does so.

“Give us a call if you need anything or that bitch shows her ugly mug again. We are a few doors away.”

With that the two leave the apartment and Vince remains to try to pick up some debris and try to make the living room look presentable again. Eh, what’s the point.

With no energies to do anything else, not even fall asleep, Vince walks into his bed and try to forget any of this ever happened.

It feels like an eternity until the sandman forces his eyes shut with a metaphorical bucketful of sand.

Chapter Text

It was the worst weekend of Vincent’s life so far. A breaking and entering, being held hostage at his own home by a deranged all-powerful alien and being forced to feed her (although cuddling with her naked body during bedtime was nice but he’ll never let her know) and worst of all she used up all the shampoo.

But that was, hopefully, in the past. Now it’s time to get to work delivering packages in the van where he can be alone with his thoughts and try to pretend he was hallucinating or something. Yes, Poison Ivy must’ve slipped some kind of poison while he didn’t notice. That was definitely it, yes.

Arriving at the lobby of GPC he almost crashes into the front door before it gets opened up from the inside by Jackson who then proceeds to grab him by the collar to stop him from walking mindlessly forward.

“Whoa Vince, what’s wrong? It’s like you’re in a trance or something.” She said which made him snap out of his inner thoughts.

“Huh? Oh nothing, just a shit weekend.” Vince replies unconvincingly. Jackson and Todd look at one another in disbelief. Nodding at each other and smiling, knowing they’ll get their answers at lunchtime, Jackson let him go.

“Alright then. Keep your secrets.” Says Todd with a devious smile. So much for pretending he could escape those gossipy hens.

Vince sighs “What gave it away?” “You’re distracted, staring at the wind and you’re wearing slippers instead of your usual sneakers.” Jackson replies as he looks down at his Superman slippers.

“Well then, get your schedule and into your van. Those packages won’t deliver themselves. Not yet at least.” Todd finishes as Vince’s last minute alarm rings and he rushes to get ready to deliver.

That was the most grueling questioning he’s ever had. Not the GCPD when he was a boy or even The Penguin last week made him squirm as much as his two friends.

Arriving at his first stop is the home of Commissioner Gordon and he, once again, is greeted by the same wheelchair-bound redhead girl, who he has now learned is his daughter Barbara.

“Let me guess, another package for the Commissioner?” she asks as she signs the clipboard like she always does.

“Mmhmm. He’s very popular as of late. Any secret admirer perchance?” At this she just rolls her eyes “Only if that secret admirer is Batman.” she immediately shuts up fearing she might’ve said too much but fortunately a look at the face of the delivery guy tells her he didn’t notice.

“Yeah, that’d be crazy.” He gives an awkward fake laugh and she does the same. It lasts a little too long, making it even more awkward.

“Well, that was fun, but I have more packages to deliver. See you next time, Miss Gordon.”

“…Yep.” She backs away into her home and closes the door.

His next package isn’t near as long nor as awkward, as she returns to the old lady living atop of Killer Croc’s lair. He fortunately doesn’t encounter the supervillain but he still shoots a glance at the nearby manhole cover.

Back inside the van and looking at his lists he notices almost the entirety of his packages go to the same address: Wayne Manor.

Ah. There must be a Wayne charity ball or something on the horizon. Driving towards one of Gotham’s most recognizable landmarks he parks outside the gates, gets out of the van and rings the intercom.

“Can I help you?” says the voice of an old man with a British accent from the intercom.

“I’m from Gotham Packaging Center. There are several packages for mister Bruce Wayne.”

At this the gates opened automatically, Vince gets in the van and drives it inside Wayne Manor, around the fountain, parking right outside the steps where a bald mustachioed old man in a nice suit is waiting for him. Nearby is a van identical to the one he’s using now, sans the bump on the rooftop where Harley Quinn used it as a stepping stone a few weeks prior nor the one on the hood the day he almost become plant food.

“Master Wayne thought it’d be faster to just gift your company a new vehicle rather than emptying your current one. I swear, that man has more money than common sense.” He then hands Vince the keys of the new van after he takes his personal effects and unloads the only two packages not addressed to Bruce Wayne into the new car.

As soon as he gets in the new van, he can appreciate the difference between his old van and this brand-new one. The smell of new car, the tank full of gas and the seat that isn’t trying to impale him. As he’s leaving a black sports car gets in and out of it exit Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle; as the gates close in behind him, he gets the sensation that Selina Kyle is staring at the rearview mirror and right into his eyes.

Only two more, then lunchtime and then the ‘special’ packages and finally checking out. Easy peasy.

The first of the final packages go towards the old ventriloquist guy who complained about having to make another order since the previous one got stolen. Porch pirates, the bane of his profession.

The final package of the day takes him to a brand-new luxurious hotel in downtown Gotham. Even staring at it feels way too much for his paycheck.

If the exterior made him feel poor, the interior makes him feel downright tiny. This is luxury beyond luxury, it makes those Arab gold palaces look like mud huts and the Amber Room feel like a garden shed. Lost in all the details he failed to notice someone clearing their throat to get his attention.

Turning around he finds the receptionist, a small woman standing on a stool. She’s blonde with her hair in a bun, wearing a white shirt and black skirt with an oversized brown coat, black lipstick and half-rimmed glasses.

“Delivery man, over here.” He hears her say. Approaching her he recognized her as Mary Louise Dahl, the star of the show Love That Baby that he used to watch with his mother when he was younger and his mother sane. The show itself wasn’t the best but the memories were. He continues staring at her until she snaps her fingers on his face.

“I-I apologize. That was unprofessional of me.” He then sets the package on the counter “it’s just… you look just like a character of a show I used to watch as a boy. I have fond memories of it.”

She just rolls her eyes but the small smile gives away the fact she enjoys being remembered so fondly. “Yeah, I get that a lot. It was a good time; I just couldn’t see it.” She then starts to reminisce before shaking her head “But that was then and time machines are expensive. Where do I sign?”

Vince then hands her the clipboard for her to sign and the inside of his phone case (making her roll her eyes) which she also signs.

“If that’s all then back to our respective jobs, I guess.” Mary says as she pulls the package behind the counter out of sight of the rich patrons, of which there are none as of yet.

“Umm actually, mind if I get a selfie with you?” Vince knows he’s overstepping the boundaries of what is considered professional behavior but this may be his only chance.

“Sure kid. Come over here.” Pulling his phone out he takes a variety of selfies with his idol doing all manner of poses and funny faces from smiling to her pretending to strangle him, culminating in her kissing him on the cheek leaving a lipstick mark.

“Wow…” he says, blushing hard.

She looks at him, briefly glancing down his body before looking at his face and smirks. “I didn’t mean to.” She says with a wink.

Back at the cafeteria, if Jackson and Todd were smiling before now they look like they overdosed on Smilex.

“I swear there’s a perfectly rational explanation.” Vince tries to plead over his empty bowl of soup.

“And we’re more than eager to hear what you have to say, dear friend.” Todd leans forward.

Glancing to his left and right, front and back, Vince leans forward and whispers “I met a celebrity during my rounds”

At this their smiles faltered “Vince, we meet celebrities at least once a week. What makes this one different?” Jackson asks, not taking her eyes off the lipstick on her coworker’s cheek.

“I took selfies with her.” He then passes them his phone with the selfies he took with the small woman. Unfortunately, they are seeing something else.

“A child? I don’t know Vince; this doesn’t look good on you.” Todd leans back after putting the phone on the table.

“She’s not a child. She’s Mary Louise Dahl, star of Love that Baby. She’s in her late 30s or early 40s by now,”

After a few seconds of silence and blank stares (and sighing in relief) Jackson speaks up “That ancient show? My sister jury-rigged an old tv back in Them-- Greece when we were kids and even back then it was a show for old people.”

“Even so, while that may explain your current mood, it doesn’t explain your ‘shit weekend’.” Todd interjects.

Oh. Right. That. Might as well.

“I’m embarrassed about it all.” Vince tried to deflect but they were having none of it.

“It happens to the best of us, a bad hookup is not the end of the world.” Jackson pats Vince on the back.

“If only it was that. No. I was held hostage in my own home.“

“It happens to the best of us. Already happened to me. Kite Man. Very nice guy, would recommend.” Todd relays his experience. Vince still looks uncomfortable.

“I got some masked anarchist idiot in a red jacket. Turns out ideology doesn’t matter when you’re thrown out of a window.” Jackson flexes her bicep and kisses it. “Who popped your hostage cherry?”

Vince sneers at her for her choice of words and she grins. “It was Blackfire.”

“Who?” They say at the same time.

“You know Robin, the old one that moved to California?” Vince starts and they nod. “He formed his own team called the Titans. One of them is an alien called Starfire.”

“The hot alien princess? Not bad.” Todd whistles and Jackson jabs him on the ribs with her elbow. “Go on.”

“Well, she has a sister. And she’s evil. And seems to be using me for some nefarious purpose. “

An awkward pause later Todd speaks “Yeah... you’re fucked.”

“I know. She can fly, she’s bulletproof, a slob, leech and a complete bitch. My only hope is to wait for another package over there to tell Robin’s team and maybe distract her even if only for a short while.”

His sulking doesn’t last long when suddenly the cafeteria doors open and Jay and Lark strut over to their table. “Come with us, Vince” says Jay “Orders from above.” Finishes Lark.

Vince sighs “Later guys” He stands up and follows the two scantily-clad women to The Penguin’s office.

In it he can’t help but notice the absence of a certain criminal mastermind that signs his paychecks.

“Uhh.. Where’s the boss?” He asks looking at both women. For the first time their cool and collected façade seems to crack: Jay looks nervous and Lark exasperated.

“W-Well, you see—” the former stammers while the latter sighs and gets to the point “He got himself and Raven arrested for the events of the weekend. We told him not to be a part of it and now he’ll be in Arkham for at least the rest of the week.”

Vince looks surprised at the sudden shift in personality, he’s never seen them as anything other than sultry mannequins.

“Don’t look so surprised, we all play a role because that’s how the boss likes it. Just like you, playing dumb.” Jay says. He chooses not to answer that.

“In any case we called you here to inform you your ‘special’ packages will still need to be delivered and that you and your coworkers will still get their paychecks.”

He scratches the back of his head “So who’s in charge?”

“I am.” Answers Lark. “I left you a present in the stall; something the boss should’ve given you from the beginning. Not much to deliver this week since almost everyone is in either Arkham or hiding, Now get out.”

Jay opens the door for him as Lark shoves him out before closing the door behind him.

Back in the Nope stall, now labeled ‘afternoon office’ thanks to Lark, he finds a very small number of packages for the ‘innocent’ supervillains that did not partake in last weekend’s bullshit.

On the desk is a larger package addressed to him specifically. Opening it he finds a variety of Personal Protection Equipment ranging from a gas mask to body armor, courtesy of his new temporary boss no doubt. “Thanks Lark” he tells to himself.

Donning the Kevlar vest, he ventures into the toilet and finds himself once again in the Riddler’s lair, sans the man himself who’s imprisoned in Arkham Island. He is instead greeted by the two henchmen that pointed guns at him on his first day.

“Hey Mark. Benjamin.” He greets the two men. Over all the days he’s been delivering those interrogation signs to The Riddler he’s gotten in quite the good terms with them. And the goons of other supervillains for that matter. Not a big surprise since he’s technically one as well.

“Hey Vince” says the latter helping him with out of the toilet as the former takes the package off his hands. Leading him out of the toilet stall Riddler’s other goons are having a cookout in the absence of their boss.

“Why don’t you stay for the cookout?” asks Mark.

“I wish guys but I’m still on the clock. Penguin’s at Arkham and I gotta impress the new boss.” He can’t believe he talks like a proper henchman now.

Nodding in understanding Benjamin signs the clipboard and Vincent return to the office, not without grabbing himself a hotdog first.

Back at the office and leaving half the hotdog on the desk he puts on the gas mask and some plastic bags on himself to deliver the next package to Killer Croc. This time he doesn’t have to burn his clothes after work.

Finishing the other half of the now cold hotdog, the final package goes towards The Joker who thankfully is in jail for the time being.

He’s no longer thankful now that a particular-looking knife is lodged in his chest. Good thing he’s wearing the body armor or he’d be dead already. The source of the knife is a young woman with black hair in a high ponytail, a skintight purple and black outfit and heavy makeup.

If the forums are to be believed her name is Punchline, Joker’s new sidepiece now that Harley Quinn has ditched him. And unless the internet is lying to him, she’s as sadistic and insane as her man and his ex.

“Well well well, if it isn’t the minimum wage slave I've heard so much about, willingly walking into hell. Let me tell you right now, the paycheck’s not worth it.” Punchline taunts him as she approaches, circling around him like a shark to a wounded seal, rubbing his shoulders before stopping in front of him, daring him to break eye contact.

“Erm Boss Lady, that’s the Deliverer. He delivers anything anywhere.” Vince can only close his eyes as a gunshot rings in the air and the goon who just spoke is now on the floor taking his final breaths.

She takes the box off his hands and throws it at a second henchman who was trying to assist the now dead one.

“Is that so? Then deliver this for me, will you? When you see Harley Quinn again, and believe me when I say I know you will, tell her she ain’t shit and the Joker doesn’t miss her at all. Will you do that for me. Pretty please?”

Vince, holding back tears after seeing a man die just moments ago and his murderer just casually talking to him, can barely nod.

“Good.” She speaks softly. “Now leave before you join him.”

No need to be told twice he makes his way back in the toilet as he hears Punchline laughing like a mad hyena before returning back to GPC. Looking down the stall and seeing he’s all alone he proceeds to unleash the tears of terror he was holding back.

With that being the final package of the day, he leaves the bathroom to find Jackson and Todd waiting outside.

“We heard crying, what happened?” Todd begins to ask before noticing the distinctive knife sticking out of his Kevlar vest.

“I assume you met Punchline, right?” Vince only nods.

“I thought with Joker in jail and having no girlfriend it would’ve been easy. I was so wrong.”

Jackson goes for a first aid kit from behind the counter “Don’t touch that. I’ll get it out for you.” Thankfully the body armor is of such high quality the knife only left a single dot-sized wound that gets patched up immediately.

“I’ll buy you a drink, you certainly need it.” Says Todd as he throws the knife behind him and it lands on a nearby trashcan.

Close to midnight in a dark damp underground cave, a man is watching several monitors at once. This man is wearing a dark cowl, cape and suit, wearing a yellow utility belt and most importantly a bat logo on his chest.

“Master Bruce? Is something the matter?” asks the old man in the nice suit next to him.

“This is unprecedented Alfred. Why would such an alien be in Gotham?” comes the answer from the younger man.

“Sir, Kryptonians aren’t exactly a rare sight around these parts, if the computer is to be believed.”

“This is different. I need an expert opinion.” Batman taps some keys and the face of Robin appears in the largest monitor.

Robin looks around to make sure he’s alone. “Bruce? Must be an emergency if you’re calling me at this hour. Hello Alfred.”

“Good evening, Master Grayson.” Alfred bows his head.

“Robin, I believe one of yours made their way here.” Some clicking later and Robin is now watching a feed of Blackfire flying around Gotham, getting into a building and leaving, Robin frowns at this.

“I told you it was a terrible idea, Bruce. How did she even---” before continuing he realizes she must’ve followed him the day he traveled to Gotham with Vincent. “She followed me, didn’t she?”

“And I told you to be vigilant so we’re both at fault here.” Batman sighs. “What’s done is done and we have a bigger fish to fry. Any idea why she’s here?”

“Maybe she’s over there for a friend or something. Try contacting Oracle. She must know who lives in that building.” More clicking ensues and Robin’s face is on the left side of the monitor, the right one now occupied by a yawning redhead.

“Unless the world is ending again, I’m going back to bed.” Says the girl. Looking around she sees Alfred out of the corner of the screen. “Hi Alfred.”

“Good evening, Miss Gordon.” Alfred bows again.

Batman clears his throat “Oracle, I’ve sent you a video feed. Find out who lives there.”

She looks at the Caped Crusader “That’s it? I don’t even have to look for anything. That’s an apartment block owned by the city. You know this.”

“Maybe his age has finally caught up to him.” Robin chuckles and so does Oracle. Even Alfed covers his mouth a little. Some clicks later, Oracle has the answer. “Apartment 3-D. Owned by one Alexander Ramsay, one of The Penguin’s many money launderers.”

“Why would Blackfire want with him?” Robin asks. Batman knows Oracle’s not done yet.

“Nothing because he doesn’t live there. All utility bills, electricity, internet and so on are addressed to one Vincent Connor Ramsay. Hey I’ve seen him before, he’s a delivery guy.”

“The Deliverer lives there?!” Robin looks more shocked the more the pieces are coming together.

Batman just raises his hand. “Patience. If we do something rash, we can risk putting innocent people in harm’s way. Tell me about this Deliverer.”

Robin clears his throat. “Not much to say. Just a delivery guy working for Gotham Packaging Center, another of Penguin’s money laundering schemes. He’s just some guy… who can go virtually anywhere.”

Batman raises an eyebrow “Explain.”

“If he holds something with a written address or someone’s name while making contact with a toilet, he will teleport to a toilet in said address. Or the nearest to the person in it.”

The Caped Crusader inhales and exhales. “This changes everything. Now we make our preparations. Robin, send me everything you can about Blackfire; her species’ genetic code, strengths, weaknesses. Even her favorite color. No detail is too small for me.”

“Got it.” He then logs out. Oracle’s face now occupies the whole monitor.

“Oracle, I need more information regarding this man. That includes information not found in any database. I’ll keep sending more packages to the Commissioner.”

She sighs. “Something about this doesn’t seem right.” She logs out as well.

“Sir, If I may, with the Penguin in jail maybe Bruce Wayne should consider buying Gotham Packaging Center before he gets released.”

“He left people in charge before his arrest. There’ll be a next time.“ And with that he leaves to patrol the city and do what he does best.

Hours later Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy and Catwoman are standing on a rooftop looking around as if waiting for someone.

“Why is he so late?! When we’re doing crimes, he’s there in the nick of time but when we actually need him he takes his sweet time?! What’s up with that?!” Harley yells out loud as she paces from one end of the rooftop to the next one.

“Calm down Harley. He’ll be there. He always does.” Poison Ivy places a hand on her shoulder which seems to calm her down.

“I’m sure Batman has better things to—” Right on cue as Catwoman begins the dark figure of Gotham’s protector, the Cape Crusader himself, Batman, lands in front of the women “—do. You’re late by the way.”

He crosses his arms and glares “This better be important.”

“Oh trust me, it is.” Catwoman pulls a tablet out of who knows where and in it is a recording of everything that has happened in Vince’s apartment from Saturday morning to Sunday night.

That includes Blackfire breaking in and bringing him stolen food and goods like a cat bringing dead mice to its owner, her effortlessly lifting him by the neck and culminating in a demonstration of a Tamaranean’s imperviousness to gunfire.

Seconds pass and Batman’s face is still and immutable like a stone. “I see…” He muttered just loud enough.

“And she can fly and fire laser beams out of her eyes!” Harley exclaims at last.

“We are certainly outclassed.” Poison Ivy also says.

“Indeed we are. I’ll see what I can do. In the meantime, we have to be prepared for anything.” Batman then turns to Poison Ivy “Dr. Isley, I need you to make sedatives and hallucinogenics tailored to her species. I’ll send you a copy of their genetic code and have some chemicals delivered to you.” He makes emphasis on the word ‘delivered’.

“Selina, keep an eye on his workplace and the places The Deliverer frequents.” “Alright.”

“What about me?” Harley asks.

“Yours is the most important part of all. From what I’ve seen and heard he’s tethering at the edge of the abyss. One bad day away from making his pain everyone else’s. Be a friend, be there. Don’t let him fall off.“ Batman answers and she nods. The world doesn’t need more people like them.

Chapter Text

A few days later, Vince wakes up in what feels like a brand-new apartment. Harley and Ivy kept their word and really replaced the damaged furniture with new ones. Even the TV. Where they got everything, he’s better off not knowing. They may be his friends and neighbors now but they’re still supervillains at heart.

Before leaving the apartment, he finds a note and a strange device he didn’t notice was there the night before going to bed. There’s a note taped on it:

“Dear D-Boy, we pulled some strings and got you something to detect aliens in case that orange bitch shows up again. It works on all aliens so you may get some false positives if Superman passes by, but it’s better than nothing. -Your friends Harley and Ivy. P.D., I heard about your encounter with that clown bitch wannabe.”

Well, that’s ominous as hell. But a problem for someone that is not him.

Arriving at work, now properly dressed unlike Monday, he finds Jackson in her post but Todd not in his.

“Where’s Todd?” he asks her.

“He drank too much yesterday. Which is weird since it was Wednesday.” She replies. “Teens these days.”

After this exchange the door to Sanjay’s office opens up and his hand beckons him to get it.

“The boss is calling. Later Jackson.” “Later.”

Entering the office and taking a seat, Sanjay looks like a mixture of miffed and perplexed.

“Vince, “ He begins “Can you explain to me why there’s a missing van and a new one is taking its place?”

“I had a delivery for Wayne Manor, almost the entire haul of the day. The butler preferred to give me the new van instead of letting me take them all out.”

The boss just shrugs. “Eh. Could’ve been worse. First women and now a new car, I really should rub myself on you to get some good luck.” They both laugh.

“Well, that was it. Keep making those deliveries.”

The day has been uneventful so far, which considering what happened on Monday and the weekend, is a well needed respite.

With the exception of a very colorful van cutting in his way that is. He got a bit of satisfaction seeing the van crash on a lamp post and its occupants, two men, two women and a dog arguing amongst themselves before the cops arrive.

Some unremarkable stops later, save for an Alice in Wonderland fetish party, it’s time to visit Commissioner Gordon once again. Unlike the previous times he’s being greeted by his daughter this time he’s received by the man himself.

The uncorruptible paragon of GCPD, while doing a great job cleaning the city and the department as of late, he’s just one man fighting a lopsided battle against human nature.

“Another one? It’s the third one this week.” Commissioner Gordon sighs as he takes yet another package and signs the clipboard.

“At least they’re not body parts or fluids sent by some sociopath, right?”

The Commissioner looks at him straight in the eye.

“Oh. Uhh… At least they didn’t leak?” Is the only thing the delivery guy can say before the older man closes his front door and walks towards his vehicle. Well that’s that.

A few uneventful deliveries later it’s now lunch time.

Lunch time with Jackson alone is a mostly silent affair. Without Todd guiding the conversation the two just eat the day’s menu, Chinese food, in silence.

“…We really have nothing in common, eh?” Vince tries to break the ice.

“Apparently not.” She finishes the last bits of food of her plate. “Umm… How’s it been to be a handler of our local fauna?”

Only a few moments later does he realize she’s referring to the city’s gallery of rogues. “Oh them. They’ve been surprisingly amicable. Did you know we’re all Penguin’s henchmen?”

She nods. “Oh yeah. Figured it when a Joker goon tried to rob me once until he saw the uniform.”

He takes a look at his own uniform. “We really do look like flightless birds.” They both share a laugh after this.

“Wait who’s doing Todd’s job in his absence?” “I am. I don’t mind, he’ll owe me one.”

Suddenly an alarm rings throughout the cafeteria, signaling the GPC employees their lunch break is over.

“Back to the grind.” Says a random employee as everyone dumps their paper plates and cups in the garbage can and return to their posts.

As of now around half of the villains arrested over the weekend have been released; some exploited the weak justice system, others went with the feds and a few chose to remain for a bit more time in Arkham Asylum in the form of a vacation in their second home.

Unfortunately for Vince, The Riddler is not in the latter category.

“Missed me, errand boy?” Unlike last time, the supervillain now looks visibly injured, with a healing black eye and more bruises all over his head. “Because I sure missed THE COOKOUT my henchmen threw in my absence!” He explodes on his henchmen for partying without permission.

If he were another man half the henchmen would’ve been replaced due to the previous ones being killed. And it’s a good thing henchmen do not rotate between bad guys.

“We’re sorry boss, we thought you’d take a break until next week.” Mark can only reply meekly.

“Well, you thought wrong. That’s why I told you all to leave the thinking to me.” He sighs. “At least tell me there’s leftovers.” After rummaging in their storage Benjamin gives him a thumbs up. The Riddler smiles.

Now content he shifts his attention back to Vincent, who’s been mesmerized by how… relatable this whole exchange was.

“Earth to Deliverer. I’m a busy man.”

The aforementioned shakes his head out of his stupor. “Sorry about that, mister Riddler. Here’s a package for you. From who? I don’t get paid enough to know.”

The Riddler snaps his fingers and Mark takes the package while Benjamin signs the clipboard.

“There. Now I have to yell at certain idiots some more, leave before I have to yell at you too.”

Without another word he returns to the toilet back to the afternoon office.

His next stop was, bizarrely enough, the carpenter girl Jenna Duffy. Either someone keeps messing up or there’s more to the handywoman than meets the eye. Either way she gives him a dollar as a tip once more.

His final stop of the day goes to the Bat-Breaker, the wall of muscle with legs, Bane. Whatever picture, video or description of him really doesn’t make justice just how big he actually is. The tubes coming out of his arms help with the intimidation factor. And if the rumors are to be believed he’s as strong in mind as he is in body.

Just as he’s about to sink Vince's head into his body with a single punch, Bane takes a look at the delivery guy and his uniform.

“So, El Pingüino finally chooses to show himself, huh?” He then takes the box off Vince’s hands. “Feel free to sign it yourself, muchacho. Go back to where you came from.”

Well, that wasn’t quite the final package he had to deliver. There’s a box addressed to Poison Ivy but he’ll deliver it himself by hand. Might as well catch up with her and Harley while he’s at it.

Leaving the bathroom, he sees Jackson cleaning the receptionist counter.

She looks up at him “I wish we could go to the bar like we always do but I have my hands full here. You understand, right Vince?”

He nods, “Of course. It’s not the same without Todd trying to pretend he’s not drunk.”

“Ha. True that.”

With that he leaves back to his building. If his memory doesn’t fail him his new neighbors live in Apartment 3-B. Before knocking on the door Harley Quinn opens it, dressed in her full harlequin attire.

“D-Boy! What nice a surprise!” She gives him a hug, smearing his face with some of her white makeup.

“Hey Harley. Is Ivy home?”

Right on cue the aforementioned makes her way to the front door, also in her supervillain outfit. “Yes she is, Deliverer. Something I can help you with?”

“Package for you. From who knows.”

She then takes the package and opens it, revealing several unlabeled bottles full of chemicals.

“You go on ahead Harls, I’m gonna be busy for a bit.”

“Aww Red, but I had plans for us to have fun.”

“I know but you know who wanted to start earlier. Wait for me at the usual.”

Harley pouts. “Fine. Later Red. Later, D-Boy.” And walks away.

“It’s gonna be one of those days.” Ivy then closes the door and Vince gets into his apartment.

The day ended surprisingly quickly. Come nighttime and he goes to bed.

In the middle of the night a woman is woken up by the ringing of her phone. Struggling in the darkness she finally gets ahold of it and checks whatever message she got before being tempted to throw the infernal device against the wall:

“Sister Phoebe, Our Queen used some rather mundane means to get something from the outside sent to the island. Get to it before that… m*n… gets to it first. -Your sister-in-arms.”

It’s too late and/or too early for this shit.

Chapter Text

Another Friday, another week of getting paid. The alien detector has detected absolutely nothing for the past week. Life is good.

Arriving at the office he sees Todd getting a list from Jackson, must be what he owes her for covering for him yesterday,

“…And when I say today, it means today. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes Jackson.”

Vince gets in-between the two “Hey fellas. Is something wrong?”

Todd goes back to his post. “Don’t worry about it, Vince. I just owe Jackson for covering my ass yesterday.”

She nods. “Indeed. And I intend to milk it for all its worth.”

Suddenly another employee bursts out of the men’s bathroom. “Security! Some vagrant got into the bathroom!”

Jumping into action Jackson barges in the men’s bathroom. A crowd forms around the door. It’s taking too long in there yet it’s surprisingly quiet. Just as another employee is about to enter and help, Jackson comes out, dragging a homeless man out of the building before going back to her post.

“Show’s over, get back to work.” Sanjay, who was in the crowd, tells the others.

Bizarre spectacle aside, he’s still on time to start delivering packages to the good and not so good citizens of Gotham.

First stop is, surprisingly, his own father.

No need to look at the address, he drives towards the outskirts of Gotham and into the family residence.

While nowhere near as big or luxurious as Wayne Manor, the old house is as big to him. Knocking on the door the door is answered by the most unexpected of people.

“Lark?!” says Vince, completely flabbergasted at one of Penguin’s henchwomen in his father’s home.

“Don’t look so surprised, Ramsay. You know people like this need incentives to remain quiet and loyal.”

Before he can rebuke, she raises her hand “Yes, your father is no exception. Sorry you found out this way.”

Just as he’s about to just give her the box, his father shows up rather disheveled. “Hey dad.”

“Hey son.” The older man switches glances between his son and the woman and back to his son. “I can explain.”

“No need dad. I’ve been in this underworld thing far too long. Here’s your package, from who knows? I don’t.”

After the exchange Vince returns to the van and drives away towards his next stop.

His next stop is Commissioner Gordon. Unlike the previous times this package is addressed to Barbara.

Pressing the doorbell, she greets him.

“Good morning, Vince.”

“Good morning, miss Gordon.”

She rolls her eyes, “After all the times we see each other, you can at least call me by my name.”

“Sorry, I just found my father with another woman. And we were going to go see my mother tomorrow.”

She flinches. “Ouch. And how are you feeling?”

“Honestly? Betrayed. Sure, I knew my dad has done his fair share of shady dealings, but this is something else.”

She quickly looks around to change the subject “So… Another package for my dad?”

“Actually no, this is for you.” Blinking in surprise she takes the package and signs.

“This is new. Well, you’re a very busy guy and I’m taking a lot of your time. Later!” Barbara then backs away and closes the front door. Vince returns to the van and finishes his route.

In the cafeteria everyone is surrounding Jackson regarding her earlier action getting the homeless guy out of the bathroom.

Having had enough, she storms out of the cafeteria.

“This day keeps getting weirder and weirder.” Vince tells Todd.

“Not the first time it happens.” Comes his reply.

“Do you have the feeling there’s some grand conspiracy and we’re not privy to it?”

“There’s always some grand conspiracy in this city. But yes, this one feels different.”

They finish their meal and return to their posts.

In the afternoon office he gets the surprise of his life as he finds Jackson in there, instead of wearing her uniform she’s wearing some kind of bare-shouldered short white dress, armguards, leather shoulder, vambraces, chest armor and sandals.

“Jackson, what are you… why are you dressed like that?”

“I’m sorry you had to find out this way. But I had to.”

A few moments later he goes wide-eyed “So you’re… you are a…”

She goads him to go on.

“You’re an amazon. An actual amazon from Themyscira, the land of the amazons... This is too much… I need to sit down.” He sits on the transport toilet.

“I wouldn’t have done any of this if I had a say. But I don’t.” She shows him the message she got hours ago. “You have a package to send over there. Under the penalty of death, no man can set foot on the island and I don’t want you to die because of our traditions. I’m going with you.”

He looks up at her after “So our screaming coworker, the homeless guy in the bathroom, the crowd…”

“I paid them all, yes. I needed to enter the bathroom to see which packages I had to take, fortunately you only have one for the day. The crowd during lunchtime gave me the excuse to sneak in here and change.”

A few moments later he regains his cool and stands up. “Alright then. Just promise me you won’t keep secrets from me again.”

“I promise, Vince. This was my big secret.” She then hands him the package. “Shall we?”

A few seconds later and they’re off.

A few seconds later they’re in a cramped bathroom, the toilet, door and walls are all made of metal. Leaving the bathroom, they find themselves on a ship in Greek territorial waters sporting the flag of… Switzerland? Probably, since it’s dark already. Damn time zones.

“This isn’t Themyscira…” says Vince looking around.

“They don’t use toilets. Come, let’s find any crewmembers and convince them to let us borrow a boat.”

Fortunately, it doesn’t take long and after some conversation in Greek (the only word he can understand is Malaka) and some money changing hands they get in an emergency boat with an engine so no need to row, towards whatever direction the island is.

“How far is the island?” Vince shouts due to the noise of the engine and the sea crashing against the boat.

“Not much. I’m gonna ask to close your eyes and open them when we stop moving” Jackson shouts back.

He does so. In fact, he sits down on the deck, which then becomes laying down. He falls asleep on the boat.

What feels like hours later the boat stops and when he wakes up, he finds himself at spearpoint as two amazons are pointing their weapons at him.

“Sister Phoebe! What were you thinking bringing a man to our island?!” one of the amazons demands to know.

Jackson gets between them and Vincent. “Sisters, as much as we all want us to be here, I was told our queen had something ordered. And we’re here to deliver.” She grabs the box from the deck and shakes it.

The amazons look at one another. “Alright. But only you. That thing stays on the boat.”

Jackson looks down at Vince who nods and back to the amazon. “Let’s not waste time. I’ll be back soon enough, Vince.” She then follows one of the amazons while the other one remains on the boat still pointing her spear at Vince’s throat.

“Don’t worry about me, I’ll just get acquainted with my new friend over here.” Said ‘friend’ inches her spear closer to his throat.

The Island of Themyscira is unusually dark, even more than usual due to it being nighttime. Even the amazon’s torch provides insufficient lighting.

“Sister, why is it so dark in here?” Jackson asks trying to not trip over and barely succeeding.

“There’s a ship full of men nearby. And a smaller boat approached us so the Queen ordered a complete blackout. Turns out, it was you. Still, it’ll remain until you, that man and the boat leave.” She gets her reply.

After walking up the stairs up to the palace, they’re stopped by royal guards before they see the package on Jackson’s hands and let them pass.

They enter the throne room, which is well illuminated unlike the rest of the island, and the amazon kneels while the security guard approaches the throne before also kneeling and holding the package up.

“My Queen, I received the message. The package that was requested from the world of men has been secured.”

After she says the spiel, a royal guard takes the package off her hands. A second one signs the clipboard.

“If that is all, Phoebe, I command you to leave and take that man with you. At once.”

Back at the boat, Vince is fast asleep while the amazon holding him at spearpoint seems frozen in place.

“This has to be a joke. Sister!” yells the amazon to her partner, which causes her to stand at attention. Her yell has the unintended consequence of waking Vincent up.

“Wait what? It’s over? We’re coming back?”

Jackson looks at the two amazons and then at him. “Yes, Vince. We’re going back home.”

She gets on the boat and starts it. After a silent boat ride, they arrive at the ship who hoists it up and, after teleporting, are back in Gotham.

Checking his watch, the whole adventure lasted a bit more than 2 hours. Turning around, Vince finds Jackson sitting on the toilet and panting, wiping some sweat from her forehead.

“You know Vince, I think you can call me Phoebe from now on.”

He looks at her nervously while twiddling his thumbs. “Umm… I appreciate it but don’t think I am prepared for that. Not at the moment.”

She nods. “Of course. Whenever you feel ready.”

The work day (and week) is now over and the three are sitting at the bar, drinking. Not even talking, just drinking.

“So… how was Greece?” Todd winks when he says the final word.

“I don’t know, I was forced to stay on the boat. Then I fell asleep.” Vince replies, finishing his drink.

“It was unusually dark actually. Even at nighttime there’s lights but this time, nothing.” Comes Jackson’s reply.

“Well, I had the dullest day. No one at reception or homeless guys in the bathroom. I wish I could’ve gone with you.”

“And do what, try to not get killed on a borrowed boat in the middle of the night? Trust me Todd, I wish I could’ve switched places with you at the office.”

Suddenly an armed assailant gets in the bar, managing to fire some shots in the air before being subdued by another patron.

“That’s my cue. I’m going home.” Vince stands up and leaves some money on the table and they do the same.

“Same, wasn’t aware it was that late.” The three of them leave towards their respective homes.

A short while later at apartment 3-D Vince is trying to sleep yet dreading waking up, knowing exactly what he and his father are going to do tomorrow.

On the other side of the world, the Queen of the Amazons dismisses her royal guard and servants before opening her package in the secrecy of her chambers. She grins when she pulls what she got from the world of men, a long and not-so thin object. Her grin grows even more when she finds a button that makes her hand vibrate.

Chapter Text

Saturday has finally come at last. The one he dreads the most, the last one of the month. Not even his paycheck can lift his mood. After having breakfast and getting ready, he goes to visit his neighbors at apartment 3-B.

He knocks on the door, Poison Ivy answers a few moments later.

“Deliverer? Is there another package for me or…” Vince raises his hand.

“Nah, not this time. I just came to tell you I’ll be out for today and part of tomorrow and I wanted to ask you and Harley if you could take care of my apartment while I’m gone.”

“Oh. Sure. That’s what neighbors are for, right?” She then closes her door and he returns to his apartment to wait for his father. No way he’s gonna use his gas to travel all of that.

A few moments later there’s a knock on his door, his father opens the door and gets in.

“Are you ready, son?”

He raises a small bag with travel essentials. “As I’ll ever be.”

They leave the building and get in the newer, less banged up car. Off they go.

6 hours later, they arrive at their destination: the coastal town of Amnesty Bay, Maine. Close to it is the actual location they are actually going to: Amnesty Bay Psychiatric Hospital.

Unlike Arkham Asylum, ABPH is an actual healing place for mental health with modern facilities and medics that genuinely care for the wellbeing of the patients.

Here is where almost all the money from laundering money for The Penguin goes to.

Entering the building they’re greeted by the receptionist. “Welcome to Amnesty Bay Psychiatric Hospital, how can we help you gentlemen?”

“Good afternoon, my name is Alexander Ramsay and this is my son Vincent. We are looking for Caroline Ramsay, we’ve come from Gotham to visit her.” Says the older man presenting the required documentation.

The receptionist nods and calls for a nurse. “The nurse here will take you to her. Please follow her.”

The nurse walks to another section of the hospital. Looking around Vince sees both patients trying their best to recover and medical staff assisting them with genuine enthusiasm. A complete 180 of what the forums say regarding Arkham Asylum if the testimonies of former patients, families and staff are true.

After a while they stop at a door and the nurse leaves to tend to other business.

“If you don’t mind me, I’d like to go first. Surely you still have some thoughts to put in order in your head.”

Vince nods and takes a seat while his father enters the hospital room. Now the unbearable wait.

It’s been almost a year since it happened, the reason his mother is here and not at home.

The New Year’s charity ball, hosted by Bruce Wayne. In a gesture of good will, to the surprise of everyone Oswald Cobblepot showed up as well as Roman Sionis. To an even bigger surprise, both mobsters behaved in a manner that, if you didn’t know better, you’d think they’re good people like the host.

All was going well; the food was good and so was the music and dancing. He didn’t dance as there was no one around his age with the exception of who he now knows is Barbara Gordon, but she’s a bit young for him.

And then it happened. The disaster.

Out of nowhere the lights went out and the whole place was covered with the horrible visage of Jonathan Crane, the Scarecrow. He began a spiel regarding the nature of fear and stuff and as he talked the room began filling with his fear gas.

Unbeknown to him, The Joker also decided to attack the same event, in a ruse to attract Batman most likely. The speakers were hijacked with his damn laughter as he also unleashed his killing gas, Smilex.

Those who managed to escape one gas, succumbed to the other. Only few people escaped both, including him, his father, Bruce Wayne, Commissioner Gordon and Barbara. Cobblepot and Sionis left before it hit the fan, maybe they were part of it but their involvement remains unconfirmed.

Half of the dead had their faces contorted in a big unnatural grin; the other half had theirs frozen in fear. Those were the lucky ones.

The survivors, on the other hands, wished they weren’t. For some reason, unlike those who ‘only’ got to live their worst fears due to the fear gas, they got the lethality of fear gas while laughing until it killed them. Sometimes alternating between the effects of the two gases. His mother was unfortunately in the final group.

Switching between hard laughter until just before death and screaming in terror reliving her worst fears, doctors told the remaining Ramsays her condition was irreversible and their other options were either euthanasia or hoping for the best in Arkham Asylum.

Her husband chose a third option; After looking for better more modern (and out of state) alternatives, he found Amnesty Bay Psychiatric Hospital, a state-of-the-art facility with the best medics he could afford and no history of criminal activity or madness, unlike the local sanatorium.

And on the last Saturday of every month since, both men take the long road from home to hospital to see her. To at least provide her some quality of life as the gases already almost completely destroyed her mind.

But she’s still his mother, regardless of anything, and he still has that dwindling sliver of hope she may recover. At least from one gas. If fear gas is cured then one final bout of laughter until the sweet release of death. If the Smilex is cured then there’s antidotes against the fear gas.

Medically speaking, it’s as realistic as Batman shooting himself in the head on national tv.

But hope dies last, for better or worse.

Feeling himself shaken, Vince wakes up finding his father shaking his shoulder. It’s time, the reason they came here in the first place.

“Take your time, son.”

Taking a deep breath, he stands up and walks to the room his mother is in and closes the door behind him.

In front of him, laying in a hospital bed, is his mother. The only thing the medics could find that could offer her some relief was a medically-induced coma. She looks so peaceful, not the screaming lunatic or laughing hyena begging for death like the previous times.

Taking a step forward he approaches the bed and sits on a stool next to it.

“Hi mom. It’s me Vince, your son.” He starts talking to her, despite knowing full well she can’t hear him.

“A lot of things have happened since… all of this. I got a job; I’m a delivery guy, it doesn’t pay that well but it’s mine. I also made new friends, their names are Phoebe and Todd. The best friends I could ask for. She’s an actual amazon from Themyscira and he’s… he’s a swell guy.”

She remains unresponsive.

“I’ve also met some famous people in my line of work like the Commissioner, Robin and Mary Louise Dahl, star of Love that Baby. Remember Love that Baby? I didn’t mean to!”

Still no response. And there won’t be one.

“And… I miss you. We miss you. It’s not the same without you.” He leans forward and hugs her. Feeling her body heat and listening to her heartbeat is enough to open the waterworks. And he remains there crying, emptying the tear ducts until there’s no more tears to shed, at least for the moment.

He dries his tears as best he can. “Good bye mom. See you next month, I’ll bring more stories.” He gives her a final hug before getting up and leaving the room.

The walk back to the car and the ride to a nearby motel is silent. They aren’t in the mood to even eat, and they wouldn’t even sleep either if it wasn’t something the body demanded. The air is just that heavy and tense.

Earlier in the day, at around 4 pm, back in Gotham City, the proximity alarm rang, indicating alien lifeform nearby. Harley and Ivy get inside apartment 3-D and wait, and wait some more.

Until the window opens and Blackfire invites herself in, because of course she does.

“You’re late, space bitch.” Harley spits out.

Blackfire just smirks. “My favorite clown and her houseplant.” Blackfire retorts. She knows where it hurts.

Before Harley can react, Ivy moves forward “He’s not here if you want to make him your hostage again.”

Blackfire crosses her arms, rises an eyebrow and smirks “Is that so?” she then proceeds to scrutinize every square centimeter of the apartment, even flipping furniture with ease. Unfortunately for her, the plant woman is right.

Putting the couch back in place she takes a seat. “Then in that case I’m gonna wait here until he returns.”

“Good luck with that. We don’t even go where he went.” Ivy begins.

“Or when he’s gonna come back.” And Harley ends.

Not finding a lie in their faces or voices, the alien stands up angry and her eyes begin to glow.

Unlike last time, they’ve come properly prepared. Ivy throws a vial at her feet, which releases a chemical with a foul stench that leaves a black stain on the floor. Her eyes stop glowing.

“Ha! Is that the... best you can… do…” The more she talked the more depressed and weaker she got before lying on the floor in a fetal position.

“What… did... you… do to me…” she can barely talk at this point.

“We did our research. Without positive emotions you’re nothing, even less than human.” Ivy then looks at Harley who smirks.

“And as you’ll learn the hard way, we are more than that. Can you still fly? Only one way to find out!” Harley then picks Blackfire up and throws her out of the window. They both watch her fall and crash close to a nearby car.

“Did she live, Red?” Ivy squints and notices some movement on the street before frowning. “Sadly, Harley. Let’s call Batman. After that, it’s not our problem.”

She nods and calls him. Unfortunately, by the time he arrives Blackfire has already left.

Chapter Text

This has to be the first time in the history of mankind one is glad the weekend is over and is back to the office. The grueling emotional toll of seeing his mother in that state, not to mention travelling to the State of Maine and back, he was just done with the weekend. He didn’t even notice the fact his apartment looked like it was broken in.

Arriving unusually early, he sees the same green Riddler trophy next to the steps of GPC, now rusted and covered in dirt and pollution. Entering the building he sees her old captor Blackfire yelling at Todd.

“What do you mean it still hasn’t arrived?! I’ve been waiting weeks for that thing!” She then slams her fist on the counter. Jackson only pushes him towards her.

“The fuck you’re doing here?!” Vince is clearly in no mood to deal with this shit this early in the morning.

“Tell this minimum wage slave, no offense, to give me my package!”

Vince gives a deep breath. So much for back to normalcy. The then turns to Todd. “Something wrong, man?”

Todd, for his part, looks remarkably stone-faced, Not the first supervillain he’s encountered it seems.

“As I told Ms. Blackfire over here, her package is still stuck in transit outside Gotham. There’s nothing we can do but to wait.”

“How much?!”

Todd starts clicking keys on the computer “Hard to say. It’s stuck in Metropolis.”

The mention of that city name makes her clench her fists until her knuckles turn white.

Vince takes this pause to intervene. “I’ll take you there at the end of the day, alright?” While she may tolerate him, she doesn’t hold the same reservations towards Todd or the workplace.

She takes a deep breath and relents. “Lead the way, host.”

Before he can speak his tardiness alarm sounds. Vince is then forced to rush his check-in and getting in the van daily ritual. She follows right behind him and gets in the passenger seat.

After that incident, Vince takes Blackfire around in his route. She can’t stop complaining about how slow the van is or the layout of the city. Now they’re at a red light.

“What the actual hell was all that?!”

“I ordered something to your address when I got here and it hasn’t arrived.”

“You’re not welcome at my apartment.” She only responds by throwing a dark bolt of energy out of the window, causing a tree to explode.

Next stop was, unsurprisingly, the Gordons. She sees him leaving the van with a box, knocking on the door and having a conversation with a redheaded girl in a wheelchair. She can’t help but feel the younger girl pay more attention to her than to him.

The conversation takes too long and Blackfire honks the car’s horn.

Vince and Barbara wince at the sudden noise.

“Sorry Barbara, I have quite the special package and looks like I’m running out of its patience.”

“No no, I get it. I took too much of your time already.” She gets back into her home and he back into the van. Inside he glares at his intruder.

“What?! You’re on a schedule, aren’t you? And that kid was robbing you of your time. You’re welcome by the way.”

A long and very annoying route later, coupled with Blackfire intentionally annoying everyone including people who are clearly henchmen during their free day, it’s time for lunch time.

Unfortunately, she’s worse than chewed-up bubblegum on your hair.

Jackson and Todd were at the limit of their patience with her. Vince could only sink his head into his palms.

“I am so sorry guys.” Vince can only mutter as Blackfire keeps complaining and chewing loudly. Everyone kept their distance from their table.

“Don’t worry about it, Vince. We know you’re not the one at fault here.” Todd pats him on the back while glaring at the alien.

Barely able to eat any of their meal, the tardiness bell rings. Everyone rushes out of there a little too quickly, certainly not anxious to return to work.

Finishing her meal and leaving a mess on the table, Blackfire picks Vince up and drags him out of the cafeteria.

“Come on, we have a date in Metropolis!”

“It’s not a date!”

Leaving the cafeteria, she wanders around the lobby like a headless chicken.

“Alright, Deliverer, take me to Metropolis now.”

“You can fly, you can go there yourself. You don’t need me!”

She responds by squeezing his wrist a little too hard.

“Any more stupid questions?”

He tries (and fails) to hide the pain and shakes his head. She follows him to the men’s bathroom, the complaints of the other employees falling on deaf ears.

“We were talking to a dead man, weren’t we?” Says one coworker to the other.

“Yep. Shame. I was starting to like Vince.” Answers the other coworker.

“Have some faith in him, this isn’t his first rodeo.” Todd interjects with Jackson nodding as well.

“Indeed. Anyone who gets to see the scum of our city every single day and still come back for more isn’t a weakling.” Says the security guard. The two coworkers grumble and return to their posts.

Inside the afternoon office, the desk is stacked with at packages. Vince sighs.

“This will take me a while. Can you at least wait here while I deliver all this?”

“Of course, friend! Anything for my new best buddy.”

“I mean it. If you stay here and don’t cause any trouble I promise to take you to Metropolis.”

She just rolls her eyes. “Fine. Deal. Don’t say I don’t do anything nice for you.”

Taking the first package and disappearing, Blackfire shields her eyes from the blinding light and once the sound of a flushing toilet dissipates, she begins to take note of the method of teleportation.

A few moments later he returns in the same flash of light and sound, now sans box and with a black lipstick smear on his cheek.

“Who’s the lucky lady? Or was it not a lady?” He just picks up another package and leaves.

The process repeats quite a few times until there’s no more left.

Returning he finds his annoying shadow messing around with his personal protection equipment, in particular peering through the small hole Punchline’s knife left when he delivered Joker’s package.

“I’m done Blackfire. Put that away and I’ll take you.”

Weirdly enough she quietly complies with his request. “About time. You alone with a girl in a public bathroom doesn’t really look that good on you.”

He blushes and looks away “Don’t say it like that! Do you know where to go at least?”

“Of course I do.” “Great. Hand me the paper please.” “Paper?” “Yeah. With the address of the place you want to go.”

A rather long pause later she’s scrambling for a piece of paper from the clipboard and hastily writing before handing it to him.

“There. Now let’s go already.”

Taking the note, he takes a look at it then at her and back at the paper.

“Alright, stay close to me and close your eyes.” After closing his eyes, he can feel what is undoubtedly her bosom around his face as they teleport to Metropolis.

Arriving at their brand-new destination they get out of what seems another public toilet, a clean corporate building to be more precise. Leaving the bathroom, to their left was a massive window in which they get received by the view of what is clearly the skyline of Metropolis, Delaware.

Even from this height it was apparent how different it looks compared to Gotham.

The skyscrapers look new and modern unlike the gothic designs he’s used to. One thing he’s not used to seeing is how many of the buildings have the green and black L logo of LexCorp. Not even Wayne Enterprises has its fingers in that many pies.

Feeling his shoulder shaken, he turns to an irritated Blackfire who grabs him by the wrist and drags him towards a desk with a secretary.

“Mr. Luthor is not accepting visitors.” He immediately tells the duo. The alien princess responds by easily pushing the desk aside and lifting him by the neck. All while still grabbing Vince by the wrist.

“I’m sure he can make an exception for me.”

Right as her eyes begin to glow, the door opens and out of it comes out a black-haired woman in a business suit wearing glasses.

“That won’t be necessary, Miss Blackfire. Mr. Luthor will see you right away.”

Dropping the secretary like a sack of potatoes, she drags Vince into Luthor’s office. The poor guy even wetted his pants. Vince’s been there and done that.

Lex Luthor’s office is quite massive. Save for a desk with a computer on the other side of the room in front of a massive window and bookcases to the left and right, the whole room is completely empty.

As the three approach the desk, the woman goes behind the desk and takes her place next to a swivel chair. The chair rotates to reveal none other than Alexander Joseph Luthor, CEO of LexCorp.

Everything about him just screams the pinnacle of luxury, from his expensive black suit and wristwatch to the shine of his bald head, his strong chin and his imposing gaze that could make any weak man cower. While Vince was awed by it all, Blackfire remains unimpressed and focused on the supervillain.

Standing up, he glances briefly at Vince before focusing on Blackfire and smiling. “Ah, Blackfire. I wasn’t expecting you this soon.”

At this, her expression darkens and she clenches her fists including the one grasping Vince’s wrist making him yelp in pain. But she doesn’t care about it for the moment.

“Luthor…” She says with clenched teeth.

At this his smile grows wider. “Yes, it is me. You haven’t forgotten after all!”

“And I never will…” She mercifully lets go of Vince’s wrist before clenching her fists again.

“I’m glad we are both on the same page. I assume you came for this.” With a nod at the human woman, she hands Blackfire a small box before handing a tube of pain relief cream to Vince who proceeds to apply it to his injured wrist.

“If that’s all, I’m quite the busy man. Mercy, escort our visitors to the exit.” Lex then sits down and goes back to work on his computer. “Have you heard the big news, Mr. Ramsay?” Glancing at the younger man, his surprised face tells him everything he needs to know. “Don’t worry, you and your coworkers will find out soon enough.”

The woman, now referred to as Mercy, effortlessly picks Vince up and drags him and Blackfire by the wrist out of her boss’ office.

Just before they leave the office Luthor chuckles to himself.

Outside the poor secretary just finished putting the desk back in place before using some tissue papers from the bathroom to dry his pants. He only barely succeeds.

Once outside, they both sit on the curb in front of the main building. She leans her head against his shoulder.

“…Thanks.” She mutters. It sounds strange, her being so down and sounding so sincere when not even ten minutes ago she threatened bodily harm on a random employee or five minutes ago when she almost crushed the bones of his wrist in anger.

Further thoughts get shoved aside when he feels a drop of water falling on his hand, looking up the sky may look bright orange but it’s otherwise clear.

Feeling his shoulder shake followed by one certain sound, there’s one thing clear: Blackfire is crying.

Not sure of what to do, Vince just wraps his arm around her shoulder and waits for her to calm down.

A few minutes later she calms down enough to talk. “I’m not this weak, it’s just…”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

She tries to change the subject and puts on a brave face. “I want out of this damn city. You do have money, right?”

Rummaging through his pockets he nods.

After calling a cab that takes them to the pier in which he buys tickets for the ferry that leads straight to Gotham on the other side of the harbor.

As the ship starts moving and they take their seats, she starts to explain herself.

“Some time ago Luthor implanted a mind control device in mine and other’s brains. Every time we went to bed we would then wake up and go to either a cell or other places. If we were lucky, we’d be left alone all night. He’d make us do things. Things against our will. And the worst part is, come dawn we’ll have no memory of anything that happened. Don’t even bother asking around, nobody will answer. Everyone will pretend nothing ever happened.”

She starts breathing heavily, he grabs her hand to calm her down.

“Eventually he got sloppy or another supervillain ratted him out. In any case, Superman and the Justice League found us and removed those things from our heads. But in doing so all the memories of what we did came back in full force.”

She then opens the box she was given and in it is a small dark purple metal cube with red accents.

“Something like this was in our brains.” She crushes it with her hand, it seems she feels better and is back to full strength.

She looks at him and smiles. “I feel so much better. Thank you, deliverer… What’s your actual name again?“

“Vince.”

“Right. Vince.”

Eventually the ferry stops on the Gotham City piers. Now it’s his turn to ask something from her.

“Blackfire, could you take me to my job please? I still need to check out.”

Without another word she picks him up bridal style and flies away towards GPC, she just drops him on the steps before flying away.

Entering the building for the final time of the day he sees a few others exchanging money, Todd being the one getting the most.

“Did you all seriously make bets on my death?!”

“Of course they did.” Jackson rolls her eyes.

“They lack faith, but I knew you had it in you Vincent my friend.” He proceeds to count the money with a smile on his face.

Jackson glances at Vince and then at Todd “Well, I know who’s gonna buy our drinks tonight.”

Todd’s smile begins to fade from his face as the one on Jackson’s appears.

Later at the bar the three of them are discussing the quite unusual workday. Todd begins the prodding.

“So… How was your date, man?”

“It wasn’t a date. I was held hostage again.”

“Sometimes you have both the worst luck and the best luck at the same time.” Jackson elbows Todd in the ribs.

“I met Lex Luthor.” Vince finally says.

“I heard he once stole forty cakes.” Todd stifles a laugh. It’s quite the meme in the forums.

“That’s as many as four tens.” Vince continues.

“And that’s terrible!” Jackson ends it and the three end up having a laugh.

Jackson looks at the time on her phone “Welp, it’s getting late. Later!”

And so the day ends, with each going home to rest for the next one.

Hours later in the cave underneath Wayne Manor, its owner receives an urgent call. Answering the call Oracle’s face takes the whole monitor once more.

“Oracle, what’s the matter?” Batman starts.

“Bruce, I saw her. I saw Blackfire. Oh, you’re not gonna believe this.”

He puts his hand up “Slow down. Tell me what happened.”

“Right. So, I was getting another package for my dad and making small talk with The Deliverer and she was sitting on the passenger seat, watching us. Then we were startled by the horn of the van.”

“I also received a report of her during the weekend. She broke into Apartment 3-D again and Poison Ivy managed to subdue her with a depression-inducing chemical. Harley Quinn then threw her out the window before they called me to collect her.“

Barbara chuckles “That sure sounds like Harley alright. And then you captured her, right?”

Batman shakes his head “No. By the time I arrived she was gone, the cracks on the pavement prove Harley’s statement. The chemicals are going to need more refinement.”

She sighs “You know Bruce, if you want to use his powers for yourself or the League all you have to do is ask. A good paycheck and you’ll have him eating from the palm of your hand.”

”I don’t want his powers, Barbara. I just don’t want him to use them for evil. Such unrestricted access, being able to transport anything and anyone everywhere at any time. It’s too dangerous to be left alone. We must remain vigilant.”

She sighs once more and logs out. Just then Alfred gets in holding a newspaper.

“Master Bruce, I’m afraid we are too late.” He hands him the newspaper, announcing that LexCorp is planning on buying several small businesses in Gotham including the local delivery service. Batman remains impasse.

“Nothing we weren’t anticipating, Alfred. If there’s one thing Luthor hates is a money sink. He knows better than to step foot on my city.”

With that he leaves to patrol the city and stop supervillains. Which means less special work for Vincent for a while.

Chapter Text

It’s Tuesday, the actual beginning of the week after finally waking up from the unofficial extra rest day that is Monday. The proximity alarm is beeping which mean either Blackfire is still nearby or something else is. Neither of which is a good option.

Outside GPC a group of kids are daring each other to touch the rusted Riddler trophy, with one of them doing so and getting shocked. How is that thing still active?

Inside the office building, a crowd has gathered around their boss Sanjay, who has some papers on his hand.

“Thank you all for coming. I have announcements to make. From the very top” the Indian man starts to speak.

“First of all, starting next Monday, Gotham Packaging Center will be part of LexCorp.”

There’s murmurs and whispers around, a subsidiary changing hands means there will be layoffs and unemployment. Everyone is anxious at this. Vince sees Jay just outside the special door, waiting until the crowd disperses.

“They can’t do that!” yells one of the employees. “Wayne Enterprises wouldn’t allow it!”

“It’s always the mega corporations stomping on the little guys.” Says another. If only they knew.

“Calm down everyone. I’ve been assured by both the new boss and the old one nobody is gonna be losing their jobs.” That calms down the crowd somewhat.

“Until our new uniforms arrive, we are all gonna be wearing one of these on our current ones.” Sanjay then holds a black button with LexCorp’s logo on it. “There’s one for everyone, no need to rush.”

He crouches and opens up a box filled with buttons, everyone takes one and pins them on the left side of their shirt.

“Now for the next announcement, the door that looks different from the rest” he points at where Jay is standing. She waves at the crowd. “Will be closed down effective immediately.” Not a big deal, nobody goes to the Iceberg Lounge using that door. Even Vince gets dragged there against his will.

“And finally, our new benevolent overlords want to evaluate us so they have assigned a supervisor for every department. The drivers get one each.” While the snark oozes from his mouth, this final announcement gets the murmurs going once more. “That’s all for now. Get to work everyone.” It takes a moment for the crowd to disperse, a moment Jay uses that to grab Vince by the wrist and drag him to The Penguin’s office.

At The Penguin’s office, the aforementioned is sitting behind his desk smoking a cigar as Vince looks quite puzzled after the speech from a few minutes ago.

“You might be wondering what was all that. It’s all true. I sold GPC to Lex Luthor and his company.”

“Why sir? I thought everyone was doing a great job at it.” Vince tries to feign ignorance but Penguin sees right through it.

“You know why, Ramsay. This whole thing was a money laundering scheme, it was meant be run at a loss. And then that Sanjay comes in and starts making a profit.” He shakes his head and the room starts filling with smoke. Vince covers his nose with his arm, even Lark feels the need to open up a window.

“But that is in the past. Luthor and his company offered to take the feds off my back in exchange of all this. And you.”

Suddenly the words of Raven the titan start gaining more weight:

“You are being used already but I guess you figured that one out.”

Cobblepot chuckles “Don’t worry your pretty little head, you’ll still see my mug from time to time. I still own the Iceberg Lounge. And my beauties will still reward you for a job well done. Isn’t that right, ladies?”

“Yes, Mister Cobblepot.” The three of them respond at the same time. Raven and Jay point at each other and mouth “Jinxed” at one another. Lark rolls her eyes at such childish display in front of the boss.

“That also means you’ll be seeing one of Luthor's more often than you’re used to. Wear sunglasses or you’re gonna get blinded by the shine of his bald head.” The Penguin gives a shrill laugh. The girls laugh out of obligation. It actually was kind of funny so Vince chuckles a bit.

“In any case, you still have those very special packages in addition of those that Cueball has in store for you. Now beat it kid! Jay, take him back where you got him!”

“R-right away boss.” She says as she takes him by the wrist “Come here you” and then drags him out of the office.

On the staircase back to GPC, Jay stops and looks at the left and right before setting her gaze on at him. “Listen, the boss is in deep shit. Even bigger than Batman or the clown. This thing with Luthor… a deal with the devil would be preferable. Keep this to yourself. You know the way back.” She returns back to the office and he goes down to the parking lot where the delivery van is waiting.

Getting into the garage where the vans get prepared for the daily deliveries, and the new supervisors have everyone watched like a hawk, he finds none of them. Either they wear the same uniform as them or he’s gotten blind.

“Hey Phil.” Vince addresses another delivery driver. “Where are our personal supervisors?”

“In the vans, Vince.” Phil replies before getting into his own van and driving away.

Opening the van door, he gets in and fastens his seatbelt before turning around and seeing his own personal watcher—this has to be a joke.

“D-Boy!” None other than Harley Quinn herself is sat on the passenger seat, wearing the same uniform as him and her hair is arranged in a ponytail.

“Harley? What gives?” Not that he’s not glad to see her but seeing her at all at his workplace, as a fellow employee, is quite the surprise.

“You see, me and Chrome Dome go way back and I asked around. And here I am.” She replies a little too quickly. Clearly there’s more to it but he was already told everyone will deny and pretend nothing’s wrong so he doesn’t ask.

“So… ready to go, ‘supervisor’?” Vince asks in a half-jokingly manner.

“Yup. I already filled out your forms so deliver as usual” She then fastens her seatbelt before showing the clipboard filled with 5/5 and other high scores.

And off they go.

The first few hours were surprisingly calm, even if Harley kept talking about her day, the city and Poison Ivy. Too bad she already has a thing with the plant woman. He’s not as dumb as everyone thinks he is.

After delivering another box to the old ventriloquist once more, which Harley told him is actually the mobster Scarface but has since cleaned up and retired.

“And don’t buy the kindly old man routine for a second, D-Boy. He may be retired but he still knows how to kill and won’t hesitate to drop you if you look at him funny.” Harley keeps talking before the van stops and Vince takes a box before getting out of the van and ringing the doorbell.

Receiving him is Barbara Gordon. Harley does her best to avert her gaze, which doesn’t work.

After taking a look at the passenger seat, Barbara focuses her attention on Vince.

“So… another date?” She inquires.

“I wish. We were bought out and were assigned supervisors.”

“Ah yes. LexCorp spreading its tentacles. You’d think Bruce Wayne would do something about it.”

“Right? Everyone at GPC was talking about it!”

And the conversation continues until a random explosion, no doubt caused by a supervillain, rocks the neighborhood, prompting Barbara to wheel back home and Vince to get in the van and floor it.

Some actually mundane deliveries later and it’s lunchtime. Harley follows Vince until he takes his seat with Jackson and Todd.

“Hey guys, meet my personal supervisor, Harleen. Harleen, meet Jackson and Todd.” She then shakes each of their hands as he names them.

“Nice to meet ya fellas. Sure it’s weird to be on the other side, eh?”

Jackson and Todd look at one another “Other side?” the male asks.

“Yeah, I used to be a costumer and now I work here. Funny how things are, right?”

After their mostly silent meal is over and before the bell rings, Todd takes Vince by the arm into the men’s bathroom.

Looking down the stalls to see they’re alone he directs his attention at the older guy.

“Vince, what in the actual hell?” Todd asks.

“I don’t follow?” Vince answers.

“Why is Harley Quinn here?” “She—” “That shrill voice, the accent. Come on man, we are smarter than that.”

“Todd, I swear I had no idea she was going to be in here. With the regime change and all she said she asked around to be my personal supervisor. That’s all I know.”

He looks at him in the eye before relenting. “Fine. I believe you.”

“Thanks Todd.”

“You like things boring and predictable, and she’s anything but.”

“Gee, thanks Todd.”

Just then the door opens and Harley Quinn enters the bathroom, clipboard in hand.

“Umm, this is the men’s room. The women’s is across the aisle.” Vince points to said door.

“I know silly, but as you know I have to be there and supervise you on your deliveries.” She then looks at him and then at a stall room. “And I do mean all deliveries.”

Having gotten the hint Todd leaves the bathroom and Vince grabs her hand and leads her to the ‘afternoon office’.

“Wow, Cobbie did spare no expense with you, huh?”

Grabbing a package and Harley’s hand, the two of them travel towards their destination.

After arriving at their new location and drying their feet, they leave the bathroom and get into a very familiar room covered in green question marks.

As Mark grabs the package off of Vince’s hands, he takes a look at Harley and after whistling more of Riddler’s henchmen come out and begin pointing their guns at the pair.

“Seriously guys? It’s my first day all over again” Vince groans loudly. He has become truly desensitized of the day-to-day violence.

Another figure walks towards them, making two henchmen step aside as their boss The Riddler makes his presence known.

“The clown is making his moves. On my territory no less. Tsk tsk.” He then circles around them. Raising his hand signals his goons to cock their guns.

“I’m independent, Leprechaun.” Harley gets in front of the Riddler to get his attention focused on her and to try to shield Vince with her body.

The Riddler takes a look at Vince and then at Harley, noticing they’re wearing the same uniform. He also sees The Deliverer has wetted his pants.

Between the intense stare down of Harley and Riddler as well as the henchmen pointing guns at them makes the seconds feel like hours. Eventually Riddler relents.

“Stand down boys. It’s not a trap.” The goons lower their weapons and it is at this moment Vince realizes his pants feel warm and wet. Embarrassed he attempts to cover himself with his clipboard.

Said clipboard gets taken away by Harley who shoves it on Riddler’s face “Sign this shit you piece of human garbage.”

He proceeds to do so before shoving it right back at her face. “Have it your way bitch. Fuck off before my mood gets sourer.”

No need to be told twice, Harley drags Vince back into the stall and they both teleport back to GPC.

After taking a breather Harley proceeds to laugh. “That was fun! Are these ones this much fun?”

Vince is still recovering his breath while drying his pants with some toilet paper “No. I haven’t had guns pointed at me since my first day.”

She then grabs another package and starts reading it “Oohh, Kitty!”

“What?” He then takes the package and sees its addressed to Catwoman. “Oh.”

“Don’t worry D-Boy, we’re friends. I can promise less guns at least.”

With that they transport to Catwoman’s place.

Her place is small and cramped. While there’s lots of cats around, but no Catwoman, it doesn’t smell like cat pee. Looking around there’s tons of valuables laying around: antiques, gold, paintings and so on.

“Here kitty kitty! It’s your favorite clown girl!” Harley shouts.

Amongst the piles of no doubt stolen valuables, he finds one that catches his attention. A red rectangle with Superman’s picture and Atari’s logo on it. One of the rarest videogames ever made. And it looks sealed.

As he’s about to pick it up his hand gets hit with a whip. “I stole that fair and square, delivery boy.”

Looking up he sees the owner of this place, Catwoman herself, rolling up her whip and setting it on her waist.

“Is this opposite day, where the mouse comes visit the cat? You must have some kind of death wish--” She then turns to Harley who waves at her. “Hey Harley.”

“Kitty!” She then jumps at her and hugs her. Vince takes this chance to rub his hand with his other hand to make the pain go away.

“Nice to see you too.” She then lets go of Catwoman, who redirects her attention back at Vince. “There better be a good reason for the two of you to break into my humble abode.”

He bites his tongue at her mention of ‘humble’. “Special delivery.” He then hands her the box and clipboard. “Sign here please.”

After doing so she opens the door to her bathroom “You know the way out.” As they proceed to leave, she grabs Vince’s shoulder. “Sorry about your mother, kid.” With that they return to the afternoon office.

The next two deliveries go way faster and smoother than the first two. First was Peyton Riley who, after receiving her package, was horrified when Harley threatened to turn her dummy into tinder if she was creepy with it in front of her again. Can’t say he’s mad about that.

The final delivery of the day belongs to Scarecrow. As he’s about to wear his gas mask Harley assures him she’s going to take care of it. In his lair, she makes a beeline to Crane’s usual hiding spot and, holding him in a chokehold, drags him back to Vince and unmasks him, revealing some redheaded scientist nerd. After forcing him to sign, she promises to break his bones if he tries to use his Fear Gas whenever Vince tries to deliver a package.

The day now over and both thoroughly exhausted, they join Jackson and Todd at the usual bar to have some drinks and talk about the day.

“So, Harleen, how was your first day?” Todd inquires.

“Boring. And then hectic. I got guns pointed at me though.“ she calmly responds.

“Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life, supervisor. It’s all downhill from here.” Vince then finishes his beer in one gulp before ordering another one.

“Speaking of supervisors, how were yours?” Jackson enquires.

“Eh, some kid who couldn’t look away from his phone for more than five seconds.” Todd eats the complementary peanuts one by one.

“Mine didn’t even show up.” Jackson finishes her drink.

Some drinks later and it’s getting late. Vince offers to take Harley back which she accepts.

On the way back Harley breaks the ice.

“So... what a day, huh?”

“They aren’t this exciting. It’s usually deliver, sign and back to the toilet.”

She looks away blushing “Hehe. Sorry about that.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

As they arrive at the apartment building, he gets an e-mail from an unknown account. Opening it is a video file named ‘If I wanted to.mp4’.

Playing it shows someone tied up to a chair with a sack of potatoes over his head. The person is also wearing body armor similar to the one he wore when he visited Punchline.

The person is thrashing around, trying to get out before a knife gets embedded right on the chest area, ending their life in an instant. Punchline then enters the frame, pulls the knife out and shows the blood-covered tip with a psychotic smile before the video ends with the chilling laugh of The Joker.

“Well, I’m having nightmares for a long time.” Vince says after some long pause.

“No need to worry, D-Boy. If they didn’t piss Penguin off, there’s no way they’re gonna touch you now that Luthor owns you and your workplace. And you also have me and Red.” Harley tries to reassure him. Doesn’t really work but he appreciates the effort.

Leaving the car, they climb the stairs until they reach the third floor, after which Harley gives him a hug before entering her apartment and he entering his.

Now to try to sleep after seeing someone die on video.

In another part of the city Batman is communicating with Oracle about how he planted Harley Quinn in GPC to take notes and communicate anything back to him. Her seeing her was normal and part of the plan.

Chapter Text

It’s the early morning of Wednesday, Vince is ready to go to work and out of his apartment. Then he gets an idea. As he stops in front of Apartment 3-B to knock on the door, the door opens and Harley steps outside in her work uniform.

“Great minds think alike, huh?” Closing the door, she grabs him by the wrist down the stairs until they arrive at his car. Getting in and driving, they start talking.

“Thanks for taking me to work, D-Boy. Maybe I should repay you someday…”

He blushes at the implication “D-Don’t worry about it Harley. That’s what friends are for.”

Further conversation gets interrupted by a traffic jam caused by the Joker. He’s destroying cars and disrupting traffic. Again.

“And we were making good time. Seems we’re gonna be late.” Vince mutters to himself, inaudible amongst the cacophony of the horns from nearby cars.

“So that’s how it feels. I’m sorry for making you late all those times.” She gives him an apologetic smile.

“Don’t worry, it’s all part of the daily grind, Harley. We just have to grin and bear it.”

Eventually traffic gets rerouted and they arrive at GPC, just in time for the two of them get inside the building and check in.

“Good morning to the new couple.” Todd tries to break the ice.

“We are not a couple.” Vince responds.

“Yeah, I already have someone but thank you for asking.” Harley also says.

“Get used to it, Harleen. Todd has his moments when he isn’t being a pain.” Jackson tells her.

Out of the bathroom comes out a teen younger than Todd, whose eyes don’t ever leave the screen of his phone, getting behind the counter and plopping himself on a stool.

“My supervisor, everyone. My job depends on him.” Todd says, deadpan in his delivery.

“And don’t you forget it.” The bratty voice comes out of his mouth. Poor Todd has his hands full. Harley can’t help but notice something familiar on the youngest male.

Pushing those thoughts aside for the time being, she follows Vince to his van and start delivering alongside him.

The route has been uncharacteristically quiet. Too quiet indeed. And as much as Vince likes the silence, this is just unnerving. Looking at Harley she looks ponderous, her hands on her chin wracking her brain in deep thought.

Finally, they stop at a red light.

“What’s wrong Harley? You’ve been awfully quiet since this morning.”

She slowly turns her head at him “Have you noticed anything in particular regarding that kid?”

“Who, Todd? Not really.”

She shakes her head “Not him. His supervisor. I swear I’ve seen him before.”

Vince just manages to shrug. “A celebrity look-alike? Not too hard to find in this city.”

“Yeah, that could be it. A TV show or a movie.” She tries to forget about it at all.

Lunch break arrives and the four of them are having cheesecake, Harley’s itchiness has long since been gone.

“Hey Jackson, has your supervisor shown up yet?” Todd asks first.

“Unfortunately. And it’s quite the familiar face.” She answers.

“What do you—"

Before Vince can finish his question, suddenly the cafeteria doors open and entering, wearing the same uniform as everyone else, is none other than…

“My favorite peanut gallery.”

… Blackfire. Dear God why.

Taking a seat between Vince and Harley she leans back and lifts her feet to the table.

“Please get your feet off the table.” Jackson can only plead meekly.

“Hmm. Nah. As your supervisor I order you to bring me some food.” Is what the alien princess replies.

“That’s not how it works, Blackfire.” Vince sighs.

She turns to him. “It does now, unless you want your friend to lose her job.” She turns back to Jackson “Get to it. Phoebe.”

The latter mutters something under her breath but before she can stand up Harley does so first.

“Don’t worry about it, Jackson. I’ll take care of it for you.” Harley then goes to get her a slice of cheesecake covered in a particular dark liquid that no one else’s has. Harley smirks as everyone else recoils in disgust at the sight of Blackfire eating like a slob.

Once she’s done and sets the place down, Blackfire can only glare at Harley before collapsing on the table, and then onto the floor where she curls in a fetal position, weakly cursing at the other supervillain.

The three humans look at each other and then at them both, astonished from what they just witnessed.

“That should keep you stress-free for at least the rest of the day. No need to thank me.” Harley tells them as she looks at her nails.

“What just happened?” Vince is the first to speak up.

“We did our research and found ways to counter her. Giving her depression is one of them.“ She answers. Suddenly her actions that day in Metropolis start making more sense.

“What, did you gather my sweat or something?” Todd tries to make a lame joke. Vince and Jackson look at each other while Harley laughs at it.

“Ha! Good one Rod.”

Eventually the bell rings and everyone leaves the cafeteria towards their respective post. Except Blackfire who is still curled into a ball underneath a table.

“…Bitch…”

At the afternoon office Vince and Harley are having a little laugh at what just happened. “Thanks for that Harley. Can I borrow some of those chemicals in case she breaks into my home again?”

She nods “Anything for you, D-Boy.” She then begins perusing the special packages to deliver to the select clientele.

“Let’s see… Riddler, Killer Croc, Red and finally Mad Hatter. Want me to accompany you?”

Vince starts thinking about it. He’s quite familiar with The Riddler and Killer Croc as of now to not need protection and she’s friends with Ivy (not that she dislikes him but she’s only friends with a very select few).

“I haven’t been acquainted with Mad Hatter so maybe there.” Vince replies before grabbing the package for The Riddler.

“Okey-dokey. I’ll wait here then.”

As he goes all alone there’s no incident or notorious encounter with either Riddler or Killer Croc. As he plans to deliver Ivy’s at the end of the day, that only leaves Mad Hatter’s to be delivered.

“Last one. Come on Harley.”

“Right behind you!” Grabbing his hand one more time they travel to the lair of the Mad Hatter.

The place is dark, damp and smells of mothballs. Leaving the bathroom the whole place is deserted, with a giant table with cutlery on and chairs around it. They suddenly start feeling more and more sleepy until they collapse on the floor.

After what feels like hours, they both wake up, tied to chairs and with a teacup in front of them.

“The Dormouse has brought me an Alice to play with!”

Turning at the source of the voice, Vince finds a blond man in a suit wearing a top hat, his most prominent features being his front teeth and oversized nose. The infamous Jervis Tetch, also known as the Mad Hatter, has captured them both.

“W-Whu—” Vince tries to speak but the man shushes him.

“Now now, Dormouse, it’s tea time. Drink it before it gets cold.” He then pours some ‘tea’ in Vince’s cup. Whatever it is it’s not actual tea. Or at least untampered. Either way he can’t drink it due to being tied to a chair.

Having regained enough consciousness and seeing Harley winking at him, Vince spews out the first thing that comes to mind.

“Man, Disney is gonna sue you hard.”

For some reason this makes him explode in anger “It was a book first! And it’s in the public domain!” But just as he’s about to break the teapot on the table he calms down. “Common misconception I know. No matter.”

The Mad Hatter then turns to Harley and pours the liquid on her teacup “Alice, my sweet little Alice. You escaped from me last time, my mistake. And I don’t make the same mistake twice.”

Vince looks at him, and then at her and back at him. The Mad Hatter clearly has no idea who his ‘Alice’ actually is.

Vince knows Harley is more than capable of getting out of that bind, so thinking fast, he tries to buy her some time by distracting Mad Hatter with his limited knowledge of Alice in Wonderland.

“Wait a minute, we can’t have a tea party just like this.” Vince blurts out.

Tetch turns to face him. “Oh no? And why is that my little Dormouse?”

“Because the… uhh… March Hare isn’t here. How can you have a tea party without your faithful companion? And another important thing.”

“What?” The Mad Hatter is losing his patience.

“Today is not my birthday.”

He clearly sees through the ruse, but that was the plan. When he turns back to Harley, she’s gone and the ropes that bound her are on the chair

“Alice? Where’s Alice?” He looks everywhere for her. Even under the table.

“Maybe she ate one of those bite-me cakes?” Vince replies trying not to laugh.

Having had enough, Tetch puts his hand under his coat but before he can pull it out, he gets smacked on the back of the head hard by Harley. While this doesn’t knock him out cold it’s enough to put him on the ground.

“Enough with that damn book!” Harley says at last, tired of the constant references.

Suddenly Mad Hatter’s anger and bravado disappears and are instead replaced by fear. He turns pale at the sight of her. “H-Harley Quinn?! Oh Dear…”

“Oh spare me this fake forgiveness bullshit, you clam.” She kicks him on the ribs and pulls his hand out of his coat, taking the gun he had hidden. Vince’s eyes are wide open, he was seconds away from death. Again. She kicks him again for good measure.

“I’m keeping this.” Harley puts the gun in her pocket before shoving Vince’s clipboard on his face. “Now sign this shit or I’ll go Queen of Hearts on your sorry ass!”

Quickly nodding in fear Tetch signs the clipboard. After that Harley drops the box on his groin “Thanks for choosing Gotham Packaging Center. Like there was any other option.” She then goes to untie Vince and pour the contents of the teacups and teapot on Jervis’ face. Fortunately for him it had gone cold by this point.

“Let’s go back D-B---I mean Deliverer.”

Before they get to hear another pathetic excuse they’re back at GPC.

“That was… an experience.” Vince says after catching his breath.

Harley wipes the sweat off her brow. “Yeah. I knew Jervy was crazy but he’s losing it even more.”

Grabbing the package for Ivy and putting it in the car, Vince and Harley follow Jackson and Todd to the bar.

“What a day.” Vince finishes his drink in one gulp.

“Tell me about it. Now I fear for my job.” Jackson slumps on the table. “That bitch is gonna give me terrible ratings, I just know it.”

“We were taken hostage by the Mad Hatter.” Harley blurts out.

After an awkward pause Todd reacts “Yeah… there’s no beating that one.”

After paying for their drinks and leaving the bar, Vince takes Harley back home. She carries the box back home and he enters his own apartment, ready for another day of… this.

In a fancy restaurant somewhere in downtown Gotham, a man in a business suit is sitting at a table, waiting.

His wait ends as his guest finally arrives; another businessman accompanied by a woman in an elegant dress.

“Thanks for coming, Mr. Luthor.” The man stands up and shakes his hand.

“The pleasure is all mine, Mr. Wayne.”

The three sit down and begin talking business, specifically the expansion of LexCorp to the other side of the bay.

“I assure you, Mr. Wayne, I have no desire to keep expanding into your beautiful city. I can even put it in writing.”

The woman, Mercy Graves, pulls some documents out of thin air. Bruce just lifts his palm up.

“That’s not necessary, Mr. Luthor. I just want to know one thing?”

“Yes?”

“Why? I’m sure Metropolis has similar or even better establishments than Gotham. Surely our local delivery service pales in comparison to the Amazon warehouses I’m sure you possess.“

Lex smirks. Bruce Wayne, always the playboy with more money than common sense. Strange he came alone tonight, maybe his board of directors told him to.

“Let’s just say there’s something I really desire and I already got it. Soon all the business transactions will be rejected. Save for that one.”

“I have one condition. The employees. Don’t fire a single one.”

“Consider it done, Mr. Wayne. Unemployment benefits nobody.”

The three have a cordial dinner and part on good terms. Unaware that both men have begun their machinations before they even shook hands.

Even later than that as the janitor is cleaning GPC’s cafeteria he gets startled by the figure of Blackfire, finally rising from under the table. She only glares at him before exiting through the front door and flying away.

Chapter Text

Finally, it’s Friday. Wednesday was a chaotic day from start to finish and, as if to compensate, Thursday was the calmest, most uneventful day he’s had so far. Clearly, he needs more of those.

When he opens the door to leave to work, Harley is already there waiting.

“Howdy neighbor! Ready to go?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

They leave the building and get in the car until they get stuck in regular morning traffic.

“You know D-Boy, today’s a special day.” Harley starts the conversation.

“Why’s that, Harley?”

“Today’s my last day. This whole evaluation thingy Luthor forced on your workplace ends today.”

They knew this day was gonna happen. On one hand everything goes back to normal (as normal as everything can be for Vince) but on the other hand he’s gonna miss going to work with someone.

Before he can respond, a figure leans into the car on the passenger side. A figure so despicable he’d rather be with Blackfire. A natural disaster in human form. The worst thing that has happened to him so far. And all he can do is stare like a deer to headlights.

The Joker. Luckily, he’s focused on his passenger.

“Harley, dear, is this what you’ve become? A minimum wage slave?” He tries to grab her chin but she swats his hand aside.

“Beat it clown. I don’t need you anymore. I never did.” She defiantly states. His grin never falters. And then his gaze shifts to Vince.

“Well well well, what do we have here? The Deliverer himself. It’s about time we meet.” He then extends his hand, expecting it to be shaken. Harley shakes her head from side to side and mouths a silent ‘no’.

Vince’s hands remain firmly on the steering wheel.

The Joker chuckles, which sends a chill down Vincent’s spine. “Clever boy. Just remember--”

Then Punchline runs to his side “Joker, Batman’s here.”

He grumbles at her before focusing on Vince again. “Another time then.” As he leaves them to fight Batman, he gives his signature crazy laugh.

Harley turns to Vince and sees him shaking, hyperventilating and with tears streaming down his eyes.

She grabs his face and turns it to face her. Vince then lets go of the steering wheel and hugs her, leaning his face on her shoulder and crying.

“Shh. It’s ok. Let it all out.” She then rubs his hair. “You did great.“

A few minutes later Vince calms down. “I’m sorry Harley. I—”

Before he can continue puts her finger on his lips. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of. You can skip work if you want to, no one would blame you if you do.”

He then shakes his head “No. I cannot let him beat me.”

She then smiles and pats him on the back “That’s the spirit!”

After that they finally leave to GPC.

They arrive unceremoniously late at GPC; the crowd is dispersing after what seemed to be Sanjay’s announcement regarding the state of things.

“So nice of you to join us, Vincent and Harleen. Surely you can explain this tardiness.” The boss sternly asks the tardy pair. They look at one another.

“The Joker, Boss.” Is all Vince can say.

His expression suddenly softens. “Oh… don’t worry about it.” And returns to his office.

Vince turns to Todd “So, what did we miss?”

Todd shrugs. “Not much. Nobody’s losing their job, the supervisors don’t have to show up from now on and we have new uniforms.” He then hands Vince a uniform wrapped in plastic. “I saved yours, we wear them starting next Monday.”

Vince takes a look at the empty stool behind the counter. “Where’s your supervisor, Todd?”

“Damian? He fucked off as soon as Sanjay said we were all keeping our jobs.“

Jackson then interjects. “Same with the alien bitch. I haven’t seen someone seem so genuinely happy for being unemployed. We’re gonna miss you, Harleen.“

The aforementioned blushes and looks bashfully at the floor “Aw shucks. Thanks guys.”

Then Vince’s phone alarm rings.

“We’re running late. Come on Harleen.”

“Right behind you!”

The ride around town has been quiet and contemplative. Starting on his next workday on Monday, Vince will have a new uniform, will respond to Lex Luthor in addition to the Penguin and possibly be under his protection.

But on the other hand, this is his final day with Harley by his side. He’ll still have her as his neighbor but he’ll still miss having her by his side during the day.

Harley breaks the silence. “Vincent… you do know it’s not the end of the of the world, right?” Must be serious if she’s calling him by his name.

Vince tries to lie “I don’t know what you mean.” But she sees right through it.

“Come on Vince, I used to be a psychiatrist. You’re sad because I won’t be with you on your routes anymore.”

Parking outside the Gordon residence, he gives a deep breath and looks at her. “Am I that obvious?”

“Look, I’m not dying nor going anywhere. We’re still gonna remain neighbors and friends. Besides, I’m a supervillain and I order shit online.”

Another deep breath, he looks at her and she hands him a box address for the Commissioner.

Knocking on the door he’s greeted by the man himself, wearing his trademark brown coat and yellowish white shirt.

“Good morning commissioner” Vince greets the older man.

“Good morning.” Sighs the commissioner before taking the package and throwing it in his house.

“I take it it’s the same madman as always.” Vince asks innocently, unaware of how right he actually is.

“You have no idea kid.” He then closes his front door and walks away to his own car, driving away to possibly GCPD.

And that was that.

After another trip delivering packages, and Harley making sure to keep his spirits up, it’s finally lunch time. Being the last day of the supervisors, once again Janice from Accounting made way too much cake, which meant everyone got two slices each.

“Harleen, there’s something we need to tell you.” Todd says after finishing his cake.

“What is it, Hotrod?”

“We knew from the beginning you’re actually Harley Quinn. We had our doubts at first but in hindsight it wasn’t a mystery at all.”

She just smiles “Oh I knew you knew; I was just being polite.”

As they finish eating their cake, suddenly Todd’s former supervisor Damian shows up to grab his slices of cake and leaves as suddenly as he entered, without acknowledging anyone nor the GPC employees saying anything.

After a moment of silence Vince blurts out “He kinda looks like Bruce Wayne, don’t you think?”

This gives Harley an eureka moment “So that’s why he seemed familiar! He really does look like him.”

“Think he’s his son?” Todd asks the group.

“Nah. Bruce Wayne is not that old to have a kid his age.” Jackson replies.

And thus, the conversation chugs along until lunch time ends and the next shift begins.

In the afternoon office as Vince checks up the packages and makes a list of which PPE to wear, Harley starts checking which supervillains she will accompany him to.

He then toiletports away, alone. Five minutes later, he returns covered in lipstick marks.

Harley whistles. “D-Boy, who was it?”

He shows her the selfies he took with Mary Louise Dahl.

“Baby Doll? You like them blondes, don’t cha? Well, we do have more fun after all” As she steps forward, he takes a step back.

“Ivy will turn me into compost if something happens between the two of us.”

Harley chuckles. “I’m teasing. You’re a smarty-pants, I’ll give you that.”

Grabbing another package, he takes her hand and they travel to a new destination.

After leaving the new stall, two redheaded twin men in grey suits enter the bathroom and point guns at the pair.

“Come with us, lovebirds.” Says one of the men.

“The boss doesn’t like intruders.” Finishes the other one.

The two henchmen grab them by the back of their shirts and take them out of the bathroom and into another part of their lair, where their boss is sitting on a swivel chair facing away from them.

A kick on the back of their knees makes Vince and Harley kneel in front of the boss. “Boss, we found those two in the bathroom. Must be the Deliverer and his girlfriend.”

“We are not a couple!” Harley yells at the mook.

Before he’s able to harm Harley, the boss raises his hand to stop him.

“I decide what happens to these two, Max.”

“Yes, Boss.” The henchman, whose name is Max, relents and goes back to point his gun at her.

Turning around, it is revealed the one in charge of all this is none other than Two-Face, Gotham’s former District Attorney now turned crime boss. He seems to be tossing a coin with his left hand.

Vince takes in the details of his appearance, from his two-colored suit to the grotesque left side of his body, with blue skin and wild white hair, big yellow eye and deformed mouth.

Vince tries his best to focus on the right side of his face, maybe trying to appeal to his good side and remaining humanity will make things go smoother. It worked with Killer Croc, after all.

“Do you know who I am, boy?” Two-Face addresses Vince.

“H-Harvey Dent, former district attorney.” Vince replies, hoping his plan works.

The supervillain tosses his coin and looks at it. He smiles. “Right you are.”

He then turns to the female in the group “Harley Quinn. You look different.”

“Ditching the Joker was the best thing I ever did. It works wonders on the skin and the sanity.”

He throws his coin once more. “Sorry dear, it wasn’t your lucky day. Max, take her to the other room.”

Max then grabs her by the collar and takes her away.

“No! Harley!” Vince tries reaching out before feeling the barrel of the other henchman’s gun on the back of his neck.

“Don’t tempt fate again, Deliverer.” Says Two-Face holding his coin.

The door slams shut. This is it; his friend will die in a matter of seconds. And he may be next.

Time feels like it’s going slow. The seconds feel like hours, just waiting for the inevitable sounds of gunfire.

And the wait. The agonizing wait.

Just as sudden as the door shut, it opens again; this time Harley steps out holding the gun while Max lies on the floor unconscious, his face bleeding profusely.

She then aims at Two-Face. “Release him this instant you schizo!”

“Ha! And why would I do that, Quinn? No one will miss this… mailman.”

“You really want to do this, Dent? Think about it, he’s The Penguin’s and Lex Luthor’s golden goose. Do you really want them on your ass?”

He then looks at her, and then at Vince, his remaining conscious henchman and back at her.

“And the less I say about Catwoman the better.”

Two-Face flips his coin. And does it again. And again. He cannot change fate no matter how much he tries.

“Min, let him go and go help your brother.”

Min drops the gun and goes help his twin brother, avoiding Harley’s gaze. She keeps the gun trained on the former district attorney.

As she does so, Vince stands up and approaches him with the package on one hand and a clipboard with the other.

“Your package, Mr. Dent. Please sign here.” Vince manages to say.

A moment of silence later he takes the box with his deformed hand and signs with his good one.

“Thank you for choosing Gotham Packaging Center. Anytime, anywhere; We are there.”

Throwing his coin once more he sneers at the pair. “Piss off the both of you.”

Harley drops the gun (accidentally misfiring a shot that lands on Two-Face’s leg chair) and grabs the hand of a still flinching Vince back into the toilet. In an instant they return to GPC.

“You ok, D-Boy?” She asks him, who is sitting on the toilet hyperventilating.

“I will be. Thanks Harley.”

“Don’t mention it. We’re friends.”

Vince recovers long enough to stand up and grab another package. “Wait, what was that about Catwoman?”

“Don’t worry about it, she kicked his ass some time ago.”

Toiletporting alone, he arrives at The Ridder’s lair where Benjamin is waiting, pen in hand.

“Now’s not a good time Vince. The boss is quite mad.” He whispers as he signs and takes the package.

Just then someone from outside screams so loud he can be heard in the bathroom.

“BENJAMIN, YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO BRING YOUR ASS BACK HERE OR YOU’LL SLEEP WITH THE FISHES!!”

Getting the hint Vince returns to the afternoon office while Benjamin runs out of the bathroom.

As luck would have it, the rest of the packages go smoothly.

With one exception.

A package addressed to one Alexis Kaye, Punchline’s real name, is slid under the stall by someone outside the toilet stall.

A regular box, no different from the ones GPC usually delivers.

“Not gonna lie Harley, I have a bad feeling about this.” Vince says as he wears his proven-to-be-ineffective body armor.

“Neither do I. We can always dump it and pretend it got lost it in the mail.”

“They know they won’t fall for that trick again. Come on, let’s just drop it on the floor and skedaddle back here.“

Immediately after arriving Harley grabs a knife that was flying towards her face from mid-air.

Then the knife thrower, Punchline, makes her presence known. Behind her there’s some armed goons but a look from Harley and they back away.

“Harley, dear, you’re too late. Your man is not here.”

“You can keep him you jester wannabe. We have shit for you.”

Punchline then tilts her head in confusion “Shit for me…?”

Vince then shakes the box he’s holding in his hands. Unlike every single other occasion where Punchline seems in control, this time she’s visibly panicking.

“Stop doing that!” she exclaims in shock.

Harley then smirks. “Sign this shit or I’ll turn that box into my new maracas.”

The pair approach her and Vince hands her the box, which she suddenly takes and starts cradling it like a baby. They take the opportunity to quickly and quietly return back.

“Let us never speak of that again.” Harley breaks the silence.

“Agreed.” Vince replies.

Come the end of the day and they, alongside Jackson and Todd, are at the bar drinking like the world’s gonna end.

“Bad day, I presume?” Todd tries to distract them from their drinking.

“You have no idea. Two-Face, Riddler and Punchline.” Vince answers before finishing his drink.

“Don’t drink too much, dealing with your drunken ass once was bad enough. I don’t want to deal with two drunks.” Jackson then takes Vince’s empty bottle away.

She then shifts the conversation away from their drinking habits and to their employment.

“We’re gonna miss having you around, Harleen. You have any plans for the future?”

Harley sets the bottle down and smiles, “Don’t worry about me, I am never not busy. There’s always jobs for me.”

“Wish I could say the same.” Todd finishes the conversation. Eventually it gets late and they all return home, Vince taking Harley to their building for the last time. They stop in front of her door.

“I guess this is it, Harley.”

“Don’t talk like that, D-boy. I’ll still be your neighbor and your friend. I’m just unemployed, that’s all.”

She then gives him a hug which he then reciprocates. After that he enters his apartment.

And gets instantly knocked out by a soldier hitting him in the face with the butt of his rifle.

Chapter Text

After the worst nap of the week, Vince wakes up in an unknown room tied to a chair. In front of him is a table with documents on it.

On the other side of the table an overweight black woman is sitting and watching him, flanked by two armed soldiers pointing their guns at him.

Unlike previous times where villain henchmen are pointing gums at him, it feels different when government agents are doing so.

“W-Wha—” Vince starts talking before getting interrupted by the woman.

“Spare us, Mr. Ramsay.” She then stands up, grabs the documents and walks around the table. He looks around confused,

“Indeed, we know who you are: Vincent Connor Ramsay. Born in Gotham City, New Jersey on November 21st 1998, parents are Alexander Ramsay and Caroline Ramsay nee Kaye. You work on Gotham Packaging Center and you’ve met your number of supervillains and lived to tell the tale. Need I say more?”

Vince shakes his head.

“Good.” She then sets the documents on the table once more.

“What did I do? Why am I here?”

“Other than abetting and aiding supervillains on their terror sprees? Take a guess. Deliverer.” She punctuates the final word.

He knew this day would come one day, ever since that day when he was sixteen years old. The day Uncle Sam would find out who he is and what he can do. They’re gonna perform experiments on him or even outright kill him. If they can’t get him, he’s useless and has to be disposed of.

The woman clearly sees his inner turmoil and clears her throat. “There’s nothing you can do that the government wants or needs. We have better and more efficient means of transportation, including teleportation that doesn’t require the use of toilets.”

Vince sighs in relief.

“What we need from you is far more valuable than that.”

He then audibly gulps.

“We have modified your uniform to capture all manner of data: audio, video, geolocation. All you have to do is work like you usually do. Am I clear?”

“What if they find out they’re being watched?”

She then stares at him intensely. If she had superpowers his head would’ve painted the room red.

“You let me worry about that, son.” She says with finality.

Nodding to one of the soldiers he walks behind Vince and hits him on the back of the head with his gun, rendering him unconscious.

Waking up from the second worst nap of the week he’s back on his couch at his apartment. Seemingly nothing looks out of the ordinary, everything seems to be in place. Not even the dirt of the boots of the soldier that knocked him out in the first place are there.

Which is incredibly suspicious. Looking at his phone he finds out it’s Saturday at 4 pm. The feds held him up for almost an entire day.

It’s not like the day can get any worse. But it does.

The proximity alarm gets louder and louder, which means an annoying squatter is about to join him real soon.

Inviting herself in through the window, because of course, Blackfire shows up holding two paper bags.

“Hello, bestie! I brought lunch!” She then wiggles the bags.

He just stares at her. “You know, at this point I’m actually glad to see you.”

She frowns “Who are you and what did you do to Vince?”

“I am Vince you freeloader. I was kidnapped by the government and held hostage for almost a whole day.”

Setting the paper bags on the coffee table she takes a sit next to him.

“Want a hug or something?”

“…Maybe.”

Sighing she spreads her arms and wraps them around him. A moment later he wraps his arms around her waist before burying his face on her shoulder. They remain like this for a few more moments before she taps him on the shoulder.

“Thank you Blackfire, I really needed that.” Vince says at last.

“Yeah yeah, let’s eat. Lunch is getting cold and hot.”

A cheeseburger and soda at the same temperature later, Vince and Blackfire are sitting on the couch doing nothing.

She then wraps her arm around his shoulder “So, Vince, have any plans for the weekend?”

“Not get into another misadventure. Why?”

“Wanna have some fun?”

She then grabs his hand before they reach his pants. “Not that kind of fun. Not now that is.”

He looks at her suspiciously. “What sort of sick plans are you concocting in your head?”

Grabbing a piece of paper from her cleavage she hands it to him before dragging him to his bathroom.

He then reads it out loud. “Jump City? Ok now I’m scared.”

“Don’t worry, we’re just gonna hang out with some friends. One I know you’re already familiar with.”

He looks at her. Then at the paper. And back at her. Sighing, he relents and accepts his fate. “Alright. Let’s go to California once more.”

She then smiles. “I promise you we’re gonna have fun!”

And in a flash of light and toilet flushing sound, they toiletport to Jump City, California.

Arriving at the dirtiest bathroom he’s been in since he started mingling with supervillains (even dirtier than Ivy’s that was covered in dirt or even Joker’s which was surprisingly clean), Vince resists the urge to not comment at the smell. Blackfire just smiles contently.

“Home sweet home. Come, let’s meet the girls.”

Grabbing him by the same wrist she almost broke on their ‘date’ in Metropolis, she takes him out of the bathroom to a dark damp living room covered in garbage with a couch and a tv. To the left his old ‘guide’ Ravager, without her mask, is punching a punching bag while someone else is sitting on the couch playing videogames. He can see what looks like pink horns sticking out of the couch.

Suddenly a knife flies towards Vince’s face, which gets intercepted by Blackfire. By putting herself in its path and it bouncing harmlessly off her face.

Ravager crosses her arms “Is this your mate, Blackfire?”

“Can it, cyclops.” She then clears her throat and points to the only man in the room “Ravager, this is my friend Vince, but you two already knew each other.”

She then raises an eyebrow “The granny enjoyer. Charmed.” before resuming her abuse of the punching bag.

Ignoring that, the pair approaches the couch where the figure is playing a videogame. On screen she’s controlling Batman who is avoiding Penguin shooting at him with Mr. Freeze’s Freeze Gun. What were those game developers smoking?

Blackfire leans in and blows air in her ear.

“FUCK!” The figure, startled, throws the controller in the air causing the on-screen Penguin to land a shot on Batman and making him collapse on the floor. Followed by a black screen and a facsimile of his boss taunting the player.

“Someone cut the mask off his face. No need to be gentle.” came the voice from the tv before the retry and quit options appeared. Vince then catches the controller before it lands on his head.

The figure then stands up to face them, she’s quite short and those pink horns he saw earlier is actually her hair. Her grey skin, pink eyes and short stature do not detract from that hair.

“You bitch, you made me lose!” says the shorter girl.

“You’ve been stuck at that part for over a week. Besides, I have something even more fun planned.” Replies Blackfire before shoving Vince forward, making him hit the couch. “This is the Deliverer; he can take us anywhere without paying. Vince, say hi to Jinx, our resident bad luck charm”

“Nice to me—” before Vince can finish, Jinx takes the controller from his hand.

“Don’t get any ideas.” Jinx gives him the stink eye.

“Trust me, I too am a hostage of this one.” Referring to his captor.

“Yeah right. You all know your lives would be boring without me.” Blackfire says to shut them up, only to be bombarded by a barrage of replies, from Vince telling her he prefers his quiet boring life to Ravager saying she gets plenty of work. Even Jinx says she never gets bored.

“Alright I get it! But this is way more fun than whatever you were doing before me.” The alien says to shut them up.

“Exactly what do you have in mind, bitch?” Ravager finally pays them any attention.

Blackfire then pulls out some more strips of paper from who knows where and hands Vince one of those. “Anywhere, it’s free. Let’s all go to the bathroom. You too, cyclops”

With a groan the white-haired girl follows the three to the bathroom. The bathroom is clearly not big enough for four people to be standing in.

“Alight, we are all here. Vince, tell us how it works.” Blackfire speaks, getting his elbow off her face.

“Vince sighs “Now way out of this, right? Might as well. We hold hands while we touch the toilet. All our eyes must be closed or we’ll be standing in a cramped bathroom like a bunch of idiots.”

Surprisingly everyone does as told. Vince grabs Blackfire’s hand and closes his eyes, transporting them all to who knows where.

Arriving at their destination, which seems to be a movie theater if the smell of butter (ignoring the regular bathroom smell) is any indication. Quietly they sneak out of there into a random room to watch whatever movie was playing at the moment.  

“You weren’t lying, He really can take us anywhere.” Whispers Jinx before getting shushed by another patron.

The movie, which seems to be at the climax, shows a battle scene between soldiers speaking Chinese and others speaking Japanese. The girls get bored very quickly while Vince watches in rapt attention. Ravager manages to steal a bucket of popcorn. Somehow.

What feels like a few minutes later, the credits begin rolling and the lights go on. The people start leaving the room which they take advantage to sneak into a toilet stall to their next destination.

“I don’t know about you but I enjoyed the movie.” Vince says getting out of the new stall they arrived at.

“Of course you did. Men like big booms.” Jinx replies.

“That was very sanitized. Like they don’t know what a real battle is like.” Ravager continues.

Suddenly a drunk guy gets out of another stall, looks at the girls then at Vince before giving him a thumbs-up and leaving the bathroom.

Following him they find themselves in a crowded nightclub, too dark and noisy for everyone but Blackfire.

“WHY?!” Vince tries to get his voice against the loud music.

“Just mingle, have a drink and enjoy yourself.” Blackfire replies, making notice of the absence of their fellow travel companions.

Following her advice, he tries to dance on his own. So awkwardly she takes him out to dance with her. It feels nice to share body heat with someone, even if it’s only dancing on a crowded dance floor.

The music suddenly stopping and the place getting filled with smoke is the sign they need to rush into a stall and wait until they all get in before they leave. Jinx has to crawl underneath the gap though.

Back at their lair the four are sitting on the couch, recalling the day they just had.

“Didn’t I tell you it was gonna be fun?” Blackfire looks at them smugly.

“I must admit, I had fun.” Rose responds.

“So did I. Way better than that videogame” Jinx says.

“How come you’re still stuck at that part? Are you stupid?” Vince says jokingly.

Suddenly he’s pinned to the ground, Jinx has a hand on his throat while the other is raised with a purple aura.

“What did you just call me?!” She may have hurt him if Ravager hadn’t hold her in a chokehold with Blackfire getting in-between them.

“Calm down Jinx! It’s just a stupid internet meme!” Ravager finally manages to separate them and shows Jinx her phone with more examples of the meme. That seems to calm her down.

“Sorry about that.” Jinx then helps Vince up.

“No no, it was my fault. I shouldn’t have joked about that with someone I just met” He replies.

Just then Blackfire pulls a couple of bottles from out of nowhere. “Enough talk bitches, let’s get fucked up.”

Jinx and Ravager cheer. Vince just shrugs and goes along with the flow.

The sun peering right into his eyes causes Vince to wake up. Blinking once and again he finds himself in an unfamiliar bedroom. Trying to get up he finds himself weighted down by Blackfire’s naked body on the left side of his own and Jinx on his right. He is also naked and strangely sticky.

Ravager, on the other hand, is standing fully dressed alternating between looking at her phone and the threesome.

“About time you woke up.” She breaks the silence.

Blackfire sits up and begins to stretch while Jinx curls up against Vince.

“Did what I think happened actually happened?” Vince asks, not knowing what answer to expect.

“You bet it did.” Ravager answers.

“Poor Jinx couldn’t handle you, but we could.” Blackfire finishes.

He blinks once and again. “What the hell kind of drink did you give us? What time is it? Is she gonna be ok?”

Ravager rolls her eye. “Some sort of booze from her home planet, which doesn’t cause hangovers for some reason. It’s 11:23 am and just give her a few minutes.”

Soon enough, Jinx also wakes up and after having separate showers and getting dressed, they all sit on the couch eating microwaved hot pockets. That Ravager prepared hours ago and are now room temperature.

“Well girls, it’s been a very fun weekend but I have work tomorrow and a new boss.” Vince gets up and stretches. “If you need me call the alien. Or don’t, either way she’ll just drag me.”

“Not wrong” said alien replies.

After saying goodbye to everyone, shaking Ravager’s hand, hugging Blackfire and Jinx kissing him on the cheek he steps into the bathroom and, in a flash of light and a flushing sound, disappears and reappears back at his apartment in Gotham City.

Vince spends the remainder of the day getting groceries and preparing his brand-new uniform for the day ahead, a day where Lex Luthor becomes his new boss while the old boss, Penguin, still calls some shots locally. Two different leashes, what can possibly go wrong?

Later that night Jinx is alone and pulls a yellow hexagon-like device with a cracked screen from her pocket.

“This is Jinx, Brother Blood. I am able to confirm everything about the Deliverer and the use of his powers. Awaiting further instructions.”

Chapter Text

A black shirt with long sleeves and LexCorp’s logo on the left side of the chest, black pants and a black hat. That’s the new uniform Vince and his colleagues will have to wear from now on. Now that GPC is owned by them, a multinational corporation. Whether or not it beats Oswald Cobblepot’s direct control remains to be seen.

Wearing his new uniform, he leaves his apartment towards his car. Sure, he could toiletport to his workplace, but driving his car gives him a sense of normalcy sorely lacking in a world of supervillains.

Arriving earlier than usual due to unusually low traffic, he sees Todd having his breakfast on the counter.

“Good morning, Todd.” Vince says. The atmosphere seems tense, no doubt because of what today represents.

“Mornin’ Vince.”

“Where’s Jackson?”

The women’s room opens and the aforementioned stands on her post.

“Morning, boys.” She greets them. “How was your weekend?”

“I had a stomachache and diarrhea. You?” Todd replies.

“Landlord got off his ass and fixed a leak that turned half the building into Aquaman’s summer home. Vince?”

“Umm…”

Vince’s hesitation is all his coworkers need to get their answers out of him at lunch time. Jackson and Todd look at one another and nod.

Just then a LexCorp employee starts calling them all to the cafeteria, where a crowd has already gathered and in the middle of it Lex Luthor is standing, flanked by his female assistant and other bodyguards. The crowd looks hesitant and nervous.

“Thank you all for coming.” Lex starts his prepared speech. “Allow me to introduce myself for those that don’t know, my name is Luthor. Lex Luthor, CEO of LexCorp. I see worry on your faces but let me personally assure you none of you will be losing your jobs.”

The crowd looks visibly relieved. Luthor’s smile grows wider.

He then goes on with his speech, about how things will remain largely the same around here and his involvement and physical presence in the daily operations of GPC will be minimal at worst.

“...And that would be all. I officially welcome you, Gotham Packaging Center, to LexCorp. Carry on.” The crowd then disperses and just before Vince can leave with them Lex’s assistant grabs him by the arm and takes him outside alongside Luthor and his bodyguards.

She then opens the door of the limousine and shoves him inside while opening the other side and letting Lex in. She then starts the car and drives away.

As Vince recovers and takes a seat, he finds himself face-to-face with Lex Luthor himself.

“That was a great speech, wouldn’t you agree Mr. Ramsay?”

“Y-Yes Mr. Luthor, it was great.”

He smiles. “I’m glad you think so” His smile fades. “I know Uncle Sam got ahold of you and is using you to spy on me and others like me.”

Vince gulps.

“And to that I say if they want to listen to greetings between a delivery guy and his costumer, they’re more than welcome to it.” He then notices Vince looking nervous.

“Don’t worry about your normal deliveries today, Mr. Ramsay. I took care of them. I have something even more special in mind for you. Something more befitting of your… peculiar talents.” He then presses a button. “Mercy, take us back to Metropolis.”

“Right away, Mr. Luthor.” Comes her voice from the intercom.

At Lex Luthor’s office its owner is sitting on his chair while his assistant stands next to him and his brand-new acquisition is standing across his desk.

“Relax, Mr. Ramsay, you’re not in trouble. Please take a seat.”

Vince does as told.

“I do have my own clients and associates just like Cobblepot you see, and they too need their packages sent. And that’s where you come in.”

“I understand, Mr. Luthor.” Vince then gets handed a package by Mercy Graves. He then reads the address.

“Leslie Willis? Never heard of her.”

“That’s because you’re not into conspiracy theories. Be glad for that.” Mercy blurts out. Lex side-eyes her.

“That’ll do Mercy.” He turns back to Vince. “In any case, once you deliver that I will take you back to Gotham.” He then hands him a note with the address of the building they’re in. “After you return here that is.”

“Now get moving!” Mercy then grabs Vince by his shirt collar and kicks him out of the office. Vince then rushes to the toilet towards whatever address this Leslie Willis is located.

Having arrived at some sort of recording studio he asks around for the recipient of the package and gets guided to a door where he bumps into a woman in a purple jacket and a white skirt.

“Sorry ma’am.” Vince apologizes.

“Don’t worry about it.” The woman replies before walking away. Entering the recording booth with a red light on, he finds a woman in black ranting on a microphone.

“…And that’s another thing. Not only do we have to bear with Superman in our beautiful city, my sources inform me there’s also some sort of Super Girl in town just like him! What even is going on! How did our beloved Metropolis become the watering hole of a bunch of aliens!”

She finishes her rant with a sigh and after noticing Vince holding a package, she snaps her fingers and points at a seat in front of her equipment with his back to the window. He obliges.

“A concerned citizen has showed up to air his grievances. What’s your name, good sir?”

“Umm… Vince.”

“Vince, what do you think of the menace in spandex?” She asks him. Clearly, he just got roped in with a loon and there’s no option but to play along. At least for the time being.

“Well, you have to be more specific with that question. There’s Batman and more than one Robin. There used to be a Batgirl but no one’s seen her in months. Unless you mean The Riddler but he only wore spandex once…“ Vince then begins spouting random conspiracy theories that wouldn’t sound out of place in a Gotham bar but sound completely off the wall in a different city.

Leslie blinks. And blinks again. “…Right… And now word from our sponsors.” Pressing a button the red light turns off and, after removing her headphones, she looks at him.

“What the hell was that?”

“I’m not from here, I’m from Gotham. What did you expect me to say?”

She groans. “Whatever. Just give me that shit and get out of here.”

Doing what he’s told, he hands her her package and clipboard to sign. “Beat it, Gothamite, I have a party planned for later and you’re not invited.”

As he prepares to leave, the red light turns back on and she starts ranting again. “I’m telling you people; Cadmus is putting chemicals in the water to make us all docile and accepting of this alien invasion…”

And with that, her returns to Lex’s office.

Vince is sitting in front of Lex Luthor in his limousine once more as he’s being driven back to Gotham as promised, the latter looks satisfied at his new employee’s first assignment under him.

“I must say Mr. Ramsay, you performed quite well for your first time in Metropolis. Keep up the good work.”

“Thank you, Mr. Luthor, but how do you know how I did?” Vince asks and before his new boss can answer Mercy opens the window separating the driver from the passengers.

“Because we have radios. And your insights on Gotham.” Mercy then closes the window after saying her piece.

Luthor grumbles at being interrupted. “Yes. Indeed. We must hurry, there’ll be quite the thunderstorm later today.”

A quiet and uneventful limousine ride later, they arrive at GPC where Mercy opens the door to get Vince out, but before they return to Metropolis Lex opens the window.

“Don’t expect this to happen frequently.” He says before returning home. As Vince watches them leave, he looks at his phone and notices he’s arrived just in time for lunch time and enters the building.

As he enters a big muscular man leaves the building and Todd gives a sigh of relief.

“Who was that?” Vince asks.

“Your replacement while you were doing who knows what with our new boss.” Todd replies as Jackson gets out of the bathroom. “Let’s go get food before we get the scraps. Again.”

At the table they may be having burgers but the real grilling begins when Jackson and Todd stare intently at Vince.

“So, friends, how were your respective weekends?” Todd starts the first of many questions.

“That is a great question, friend Todd. I was pumping iron all week. How about you?” Jackson responds first. This is where the fun begins.

“Well, Friend Phoebe, I was out of town in a fancy hotel. Now, how was your weekend, Friend Vincent?” Now the both of them turn and stare at poor Vince, who has been awkwardly hiding behind a half-eaten burger the entire conversation.

“If I tell you I do not recall, would you believe me?” Vince tries to get out of that one.

“Hmm… No. I’d say you may not remember certain details but you do remember the gist of it.” Replies Jackson.

Vince sighs, let’s get this over with. “I had a threesome with two supervillains and I don’t even know the details because all I remember is waking up naked and sticky between the two of them.”

Jackson and Todd look at each other skeptically and back to Vince. “Was Blackfire one of them?”

“…Yeah.” Vince manages to say. There’s a silent pause.

Jackson breaks the silence. “In that case we completely believe you.”

“Yeah, having mind-blowing alien sex and not even being able to remember it? Sounds like Blackfire alright.” Todd continues.

Changing the topic Jackson turns to Vince, “So… What did our new boss want with you? Must’ve been important to take you to his limo.”

Vince shrugs “Oh, you know, deliver a package like I usually do. He sent me to some shock jock lady. I guess she’s a supervillain of a different kind.”

The meal goes on as usual, with the caveat of Vince looking out at the cafeteria doors.

“Something wrong, man?” Todd asks him.

“Y’know, usually at this time one of Penguin’s drags me out to see him. Feels weird not to be summoned.”

“Maybe he’s laying low after Luthor bought us out? Or he’s plotting something. Who knows with those people.” Jackson ends the conversation.

A fine meal later and just before the alarm rings everyone goes back to their post, Vince included.

The workload in the afternoon office has been surprisingly calm and relaxed. Killer Croc, Two-Face, Riddler and even Jenna Duffy have made this day surprisingly easy.

Unfortunately, there’s two packages left: the Joker and Punchline. Oh joy. Toiletporting away he gets two guns pointed at his face as soon as he arrives.

“About time you showed up, courier.” Says the voice of Punchline as she takes her box and drags him by his collar out of the toilet and into a room with three chairs, a table and a projector on it.

“Don’t worry your pretty little head, Vinny boy. We’re just gonna watch a movie and then you’re gonna be sent away, safe and sound.” Says the Joker as he orders a henchman to turn off the lights and turn on the projector.

“And no, it’s not a sex tape so get your filthy mind out of the gutter.” Punchline ends, still aiming her gun at Vince.

What follows is a compilation of the most gruesome and depraved acts the duo he’s sitting in between of have committed. Arson, murder, torture and even online piracy. Nothing was off the table. Vince cannot help but to close his eyes at the worst parts.

“Pay attention, Mailman. Here comes the best part.” Vince overhears Punchline’s voice.

Hesitantly opening one eye, he sees something even more scary than what he just witnessed.

His face, name, address and surveillance footage of him at both GPC and at home, as well as him in various supervillain lairs and even at Penguin’s office. Also including similar footage of Jackson, Todd and his father.

 The movie ends with Joker and Punchline waiting in front of a toilet with their guns raised as a flash of light makes the camera go dark.

“I hope my point has been made, Deliverer. Questions?” The Joker mockingly asks as the lights get back on again.

“W-was that what you wanted to tell me that day on my car?” Vince tries to not stammer.

“Indeed, my boy. Indeed. Now, you may be untouchable thanks to being Lexypoo’s property and because I find the bird to be annoying, I cannot touch you. But the people you know and love are a different story, if you can catch my drift…”

The following moments must’ve been a blur in his mind as the next thing he knows is he’s sitting on the toilet in the afternoon office with a pee stain on his pants.

At the bar he’s drinking way too fast again, a sign Jackson and Todd have learned by now means he had a rush with death or a bad day in general. It’s gotten to the point where they now make bets on who was it.

“Who was it this time Vince?” asks Todd, already knowing on who he betted for.

One final gulp later, Vince answers “The Joker and Punchline. Both of them at the same time.”

A groan is heard as Todd receives extra money from Jackson.

“That’s not all, they showed several snuff films and the fact they have surveillance on all of us. At GPC and our homes.” Vince then sighs and sinks his face into his hands. “I’m sorry guys.”

Jackson pats him on the shoulder. “It’s not your fault, Vince. They’ve been watching all of us from the beginning. Comes with the job I suppose.”

“Did they make you participate in one such film?” Todd asks.

“No.” Vince replies.

“Then it could’ve been way worse.”

And thus, the day ends, with everyone back at their own homes and ready for the second day of GPC under LexCorp. Yep, the day is over.

Until Vince gets a message from an unknown number.

It is in fact Punchline’s sex tape.

Chapter Text

It’s been a couple of months since Gotham Packaging Center was absorbed into the international conglomerate that is LexCorp. And since then, there’s been changes in Vince’s work and personal life.

He’s since gotten a raise, better furniture in his apartment, a big number in his bank account and even an on-and-off relationship with Mary Louise Dahl. Life is good most of the time.

Now today is October 31^st, Halloween, the day Gotham Scum is the most active. Some do what they do to make a point, others take advantage of the chaos and a few do the unexpected by not doing villain things at all.

Now dressed in his costume of a white shirt, blue jeans and fake thick-framed glasses (with the LexCorp cap) as agreed with Jackson, Todd and the newest addition to the team, a janitor named Diego, on the group chat, it’s now time to leave for work.

An action that gets interrupted by Hurricane Clayface interrupting the flow of traffic. Again. Still he’s not gonna arrive late like last time. The whole street was filled with clay and cars got stuck on the pavement for hours, his included.

Finally at work he sees Todd wearing a black shirt and jeans and a blonde spiky wig.

“Dangit Todd, where’s your costume?” Vince asks the younger man.

“I tell you what man, this here’s my dang ol’ costume.” He replies almost in gibberish.

Both of them burst out a laugh.

“Careful fellas, Halloween is a government conspiracy to leave us numb for the Martians to come assimilate us and finally ascend to the heavens to fight the war for the universe.” Speaks Jackson behind Vince, wearing a brown shirt with a white shirt underneath, jeans, sunglasses and an orange hat.

“That government ain’t right, I tell you what.” Vince tries to make another joke before his alarm rings. “Welp, I’m getting late to deliver those packages and packages accessories. Later!”

As he runs off, he almost bumps into Diego, who’s wearing a white tank top and blue jeans. “Sorry Diego, didn’t see you there.”

“Don’t worry about it, Vince.” As Vince disappears from view, Jackson, Todd and Diego burst out a final laugh before finally getting back to work.

His first stop of the day is the Gordons. Due to the time it’s unlikely he’ll be greeted by Commissioner Gordon and indeed it is Barbara who opens the door, wearing a suit and a bald cap.

“Good morning, Barbara.” Vince greets her, package in hand. She on the other hand has her eyes closed and is rubbing her fingers on her temples.

“I am greeting you telepathically. Can you hear me inside your head?”

“Not really. I only went to Arkham once on a school field trip and I intend to keep it that way.”

She then opens her eyes and ceases her finger motion. “You’re no fun.” She then crosses her arms and pouts.

“Sorry Professor, I’m in a hurry. Clayface almost made me late today. And we all know how frisky our local scum gets today of all days.”

“Ah yes. Tonight. Hope you have a secret escape plan.“ She then gets the package and signs the clipboard.

Vince then pats his back pocket. “Never leave home without them.”

At the GPC Cafeteria Vince, Jackson, Todd and Diego are having lunch while talking about the day and discussing any possible method of escape should they become hostages at work again.

“So, we’re all in agreement in case shit hits the fan we run to the bathroom and Vince teleports us to his apartment, right?” Todd says before drinking his glass of water.

“But wouldn’t there be goons or someone else waiting for us there? We’re lucky Vince already knew those two Riddler goons or we’ll be dead already.” Jackson replies.

As those two are discussing, Diego turns to Vince “Does this happen often?”

“What, those two arguing, needing an escape plan or becoming hostage at work?”

“Uh... All of the above.”

Vince sighs. “In the following order: Yes, no and surprisingly often.” He explains matter-of-factly.

Just then armed men enter the cafeteria and start shooting at the ceiling. “Nobody fucking moves!”

The air is tense and the silence is so thick you can cut it… until someone decides to open their mouth at high risk of their own life and that of everyone else’s.

“Who are you the henchmen of?” asks said individual.

The two of them look at each other and back at that person “Calendar Man.” they say at the same time.

A huge wave of relief waved across the cafeteria as the GPC employees pull their phones out to communicate their situation as well as some money exchanging hands to the chagrin of the ones giving it.

“Honey I’ll be late tonight. Yes, I’m a hostage at the office. Calendar Man. Alright I’ll go pick the milk. Love you.“ and similar phone calls and clicking of smartphones reverberate throughout the cafeteria.

One of the henchmen, clearly fed up at the absolute disrespect he and his boss are getting from their hostages, takes aim at a random employee before the hand of a third individual pushes the gun down.

The hand belongs to the man of the hour, the reason everyone’s in the stupidest hostage situation in the history of Gotham. Calendar Man, imposing in his red and white costume even if it looks like it’s a few sizes too small for him.

“No no, my henchman. This is a treat. Let them enjoy this while I allow them to.” He says quietly, almost whispering but loud enough to be heard. Which gets everyone to stop what they’re doing and pay attention to him. As they do more armed henchmen enter the room.

“Halloween, the one time of the year where a villain and his henchmen can walk freely on the streets of this beautiful city. All Hallows Eve, the only time where we actually invite the monsters into our homes. This day of all—”

As Calendar Man gives his prepared speech, he gets rudely interrupted by a phone ringing. Woe betides the poor unfortunate soul who dared to interrupt him.

With a snap of his fingers, a henchman brings forth the poor person who dared to humiliate the boss during a holiday, no doubt to make an example out of them.

That person is, unfortunately yet unsurprisingly, Vince.

“This occasion would be worthy of Christmas, if I do say so myself.” With a nod, the henchman begins rummaging Vince for his belongings, only finding his phone and car keys. Worthless in the grand scheme of things.

Until the henchman reaches his back pocket and finds a piece of paper with a note written on it which hands it to the boss. The color completely drains off Vince’s face and his blood starts running cold.

Calendar Man smiles an unnaturally large smile. “Looks like Christmas came early after all. Sadly, you won’t be there to see it.”

Suddenly the place gets filled with smoke, making everyone cough, and a blur of a man manages to knock all the henchmen out by the time it dissipates. When it does the blur, now identified as a young man in red and green with a yellow R on his chest, has his foot Calendar Man’s chest who is laying on the floor.

As the coughing ceases Vince looks up at his savior and notices him looking familiar yet different.

“Robin? You look different.” Vince manages to blurt out.

The aforementioned tilts his head “I don’t think we’ve met before, citizen.”

Before Vince can reply Robin pulls a small object from a pouch, following that there’s a loud bang, smoke and a blinding light, after it dissipates the person who used it is gone.

After that The Penguin and his female sidekicks burst in the cafeteria, also armed. Looking at Calendar Man and his henchmen on the floor as well as the dazed employees he puts their guns down.

“Well well well, it seems my former employees can handle trouble after all.” He says before kicking an unconscious Calendar Man in the face. “Getting in my turf, aren’t we?” He kicks him again.

“Want us to take them to the back of the building, Mr. Cobblepot?” comes the question from Lark’s mouth.

A glance at the now horrified workers makes him chuckle. “Nah, I’m feeling generous today. Call the cops. They’re overstretched as they are, let’s stretch them a bit more.”

Moments later everyone is outside with a few officers shoving the henchmen in a police van and before their boss gets in, he turns his head to the crowd. “Apartment 3-D right? Tell Harley and Ivy I said hi, Deliverer.” This sends shivers down Vince’s spine, another supervillain who knows where he lives.

Hours after that, with Vince bored out of his mind due to no special packages to deliver, he, Jackson, Todd, Diego and Sanjay are sitting at the bar drinking the day away.

“So… what a day, right?” Sanjay starts the conversation.

“Yep.” Replies Vince before taking a sip of his beer.

“Yep.” Followed by Jackson.

“Yep.” And Diego.

“Mhm.” Culminating with Todd at the end.

The whole exchange causes Sanjay to chuckle. “Heh, you’re really committing to the bit with those costumes.”

After having their drinks everyone goes to their respective homes. The walls leading to Vince’s apartment are decorated with fake spiderwebs, fake spiders and blood that may or not be real.

He’s so taken by the décor he doesn’t notice he’s bumped into someone, who might as well have been a brick wall. A soft brick wall of alien origins.

“Hey watch it—Oh hello Vince.” Blackfire then helps him off the floor. “What brings you here?”

“I live here. You know that.” Comes his reply.

She then grabs him by the wrist and takes him to his apartment after forcefully opening the door.

“Vince, I’m not usually one who just asks for stuff but I need to ask to hide in your apartment for a few days.”

Vince ponders his answer for a while. On one hand she’s gonna be a leech and make him a hostage again.

But on the other hand, by now several villains already know where he lives and he lives alone. But they may not know about his temporary roommate just yet.

“On one condition.”

“Name it.”

“You protect me and my home from intruders. And no destroying my stuff.”

Blackfire pretends to think about it before shaking his hand. “Deal.”

Later that night at Arkham Asylum, Calendar Man, with bruises all over his head, and a group of supervillains are playing a game of poker and the former has lost almost everything.

“Well Day, you’ve lost your good meals, your cigarettes and anything of value. All you’ve got left is your butthole and I’d just give up if I were you.” Says one of the villains, obscured by the dimly lit room they’re in.

At the end of his wit, he suddenly remembers he’s got an ace up the sleeve, no pun intended, and pulls out a piece of paper from his front pocket.

“The heck is that?” says another one of them.

“This is more valuable than gold.” As Calendar Man speaks, the other lean forward. “Christmas, New Year and Thanksgiving all rolled into one.” He then sets the paper on the table. The rest are giving him their undivided attention. “I present to you… The Deliverer’s home address.”

There’s a pause… and in an instant their interest is gone.

“That’s it?” The first villain reveals himself to be none other than The Joker. “All of that theater for this? A joke I already know the punchline of is not funny at all!”

The second villain, The Riddler, scoffs at the pathetic display “I figured it out a long time ago. Hacking the city’s internet providers took me less than an hour, the IPs even less so.“

“You look like a jackass.” Growls Killer Croc.

Before the latter can do anything else a loud screech and a voice from the intercom orders them back to their cells. Knowing they’re only in Arkham until they get bored and break out they comply for the moment.

Lastly a pale green hand takes the address and tears it to pieces before feeding it to a small carnivorous plant.

Chapter Text

The weekend at last, a day he’s been waiting for at least a week. All Vince has to do is wait a few more moments for Blackfire to release him from her grip to start the day.

Unfortunately (mostly fortunately) she brings his face closer to her bosom. And they stay there for a bit more.

She then wakes up, releasing him and dropping his head back to the bed. “Good morning roomie.” She stretches and yawns before getting out of bed. She then goes to the bathroom.

During this time Vince goes to the kitchen to make breakfast. Sure he didn’t agree to make her breakfast but he’s feeling nice since she’s gonna be taking care of the apartment for some time so this is the least he can do.

As Blackfire gets out of the bathroom she follows her nose to the coffee table, where Vince has set a bowl of oatmeal with the most random assortment of spices and condiments he could think of.

“Morning Blackfire, have a seat.” She hears her host say. Doing so she picks the bowl and smells it.

“I didn’t know you wanted to have babies this badly.” She starts teasing him.

At this Vince goes redder than a tomato “W-What?!”

“This smell… in my planet this is an invitation.” As if it were possible she sees him get even redder before laughing out loud.

“I’m joking! I swear you’re so easy it’s not even funny.”

Vince starts breathing fast as he clutches his chest.

“It means absolutely nothing if that makes you feel better. Except it’s gonna taste good.”

Once his heart rate goes back to normal both of them finally start having breakfast. To make up for the almost heart attack she offers to do the dishes. Jus then there’s a knock on the door.

Opening the door Vince finds Harley in her civilian disguise.

“Good morning neighbor! How are you doing on this fine mor—” Her mood instantly sours when she takes a look at the alien.

“Are you a hostage again? Blink twice if you need me to take care of this.” As she goes get something from behind her Vince raises his hands.

“No no Harley, it’s not like that. It’s a… she’s in hiding and I accepted.”

She looks at him, then at her and back at him. She then pinches his cheek.

“Aww, abetting enemies of the state? Our little Deliverer is now a full-on bad guy. Mama would be so proud.” She stops when he notices him getting upset at the mention of his mother.

“Sorry about that. I just wanted to ask you a favor.”

“Don’t worry Harley. What kind of favor?”

“You see Red was in Arkham and has been released and I was wondering if you could take me there to pick her up.”

He nods “Of course Harley. I’ll go get ready.”

The road to Arkham Island is relatively smooth and quick, they arrive at the gates of Arkham Asylum where Vince, wisely, chooses to park nearby to be as far away of that place of nightmares and madness as he can.

“About the alien bitch…” Harley starts the conversation.

“Yeah. It’s temporary though.”

Knowing the conversation will go nowhere she decides to change the topic. “So D-Boy, you’re looking handsome this morning. Not that you aren’t of course but is there any reason why you went the extra mile today?”

Vince perks up “Oh! I have a date later today.”

She nods. “Ah yes, Dahl. How’s your Short Queen by the way?”

“Everything’s going fine. Now only half the people look at us funny and almost nobody calls the police on me anymore.”

“That’s nice. Wait for me here. And if the gates close floor it out of here, with or without us.”

With that final warning Harley gets out of the car and proceeds to walk past the gates of Arkham Asylum.

Arkham Asylum, a fate worse than death. Where madness and nightmares come together at last like peanut butter and jelly from hell. The name at the top of the gates might as well say ‘Arbeit Macht Frei’.

Unless you’re part of Gotham’s colorful cast of misfits in which case it’s an all-you-can-buffet of misery.

Speaking of, Vince can see Harley get smaller with every step she takes towards the main building.

But enough about that, Vince has something new and positive to think about. Like his date with Mary. And how they’ve been banned from every movie theater in the city for unsavory activities.

Too bad his good thoughts get dashed with a knock on his window. Unlocking the doors Harley and Ivy get in the car and drives though the bridge connecting this place to the rest of the city.

“Hey Ivy, how’s it going?” Vince tries to be friendly with his neighbor.

“Oh you know, just another stint in the slammer. Better than working for the feds like Harley did.”

Ah. That explains why he hasn’t seen them for months.

“Red, shh!”

“Come on Harls, I know you know she’s complained about him for months. How all the intel he’s gotten is useless garbage”

Intel. Useless. Could it be?

“Is this ‘she’ by chance an overweight African-American woman?” Vince asks.

Harley replies. “So you’ve met The Wall too. What did she want from you?”

Before Vince can speak Ivy interjects “Her name is Amanda Waller and she does Uncle Sam’s dirty deeds. Please continue.”

“Intel on supervillains, she wired my uniform and sicced me on our local scum. No offense.”

“None taken. You can leave us at the building and then you can go to your date.”

Bow it’s Ivy’s turn to be surprised. “So you and Dahl are at it? Took you long enough.”

After dropping them off at the building, he hurries to the café they agreed to meet. After waiting for a while Vince notices his date approaching him.

She’s wearing a simple pink dress with a white collar and pink buttons and pink flats. Her hair is done in a bob cut instead of her signature bun with no glasses, eyeshadow and red lipstick instead of black.

A hug and a kiss later she takes a seat in front of him. “Sorry I’m late darling, traffic was a bitch.”

“Don’t worry Mary, I had a busy morning too.”

She puts her head on her hands and leans forward “Please do tell.”

Vince then proceeds to tell her about his day so far, while omitting certain details like the identity of his roommate or the details at Arkham Island. All while enjoying some coffee and croissants.

“I must say dear, you’ve got quite a hectic day behind you.” She then circles the rim of her cup with her finger.

“You have no idea. And the day’s only just begun.”

“Indeed it has. Why don’t we go to my place so you can… de-stress?” She winks at him. He gulps as he gets as red as he was during the morning.

She’s still got it.

Before he can answer, unfortunately, a figure in a coat and bowler hat interrupts them.

“Deliverer, there you are! Come on, the boss is mad and wants to see you now.”

The figure is none other than Jay and Mary looks quite mad at this tall woman.

“Mary, hold on it’s not what you think!” Vince tries to defuse a potential bomb. “She works for the Penguin!”

Strangely enough she sighs in relief. “Same time next week?”

Vince can only nod before Jay drops a wad of cash on the table and takes him away to The Penguin’s car. But not before Mary takes it except for the cost of their meals and a generous tip.

In the vehicle Vince is face-to-face with his former GPC boss The Penguin, all while Lark is driving them to the Iceberg Lounge.

“I hope I didn’t interrupt you, my boy.” The boss breaks the ice.

“Actually, she invited back to her place.” Vince replies in a deadpan tone.

“I’ll make sure to make it up to you.” He then sneers and taps the dividing glass of his limousine with his umbrella “Faster Lark!”

“I’m on it, Mr. Cobblepot”

Sooner than expected they arrive at their destination where, uncharacteristically of him, Cobblepot open his own car door and takes Vince by the arm to his private bathroom.

“Alright boy, take me here.” He then hands him a piece of paper, after which they get transported to an unknown bathroom.

Following that Vince gets a thick bedsheet over his head, like a Halloween ghost without eye holes being presented for something guided by The Penguin before stopping at a door.

“Wait here. It’ll all make sense soon.” Vince then hears a door opening and closing.

Now he waits. Before he pulls his phone out to entertain himself the door opens and he gets dragged into this new room.

He hears Cobblepot talk “Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…”

The bedsheet gets pulled and in the room is an assorted of what are clearly supervillains; amongst them there’s a guy dressed like a snake, two blue women and a short man wearing a creepy doll mask. Also, to his great surprise, Lex Luthor.

“…The Deliverer!” Vince can only wave at the unimpressed crowd as he gets shown like a prize horse “Did you know, just two minutes ago I was in Gotham City and thanks to my—our delivery guy, I managed to get here just in time.”

The group is only mildly interested in the sales pitch.

“Did I mention there were no alarms triggered on our arrival?”

An awkward pause later Lex Luthor stands up and approaches the Gothamites.

“First thing’s first. We are impressed. Welcome to the Legion of Doom, Oswald Cobblepot.” The aforementioned goes to take a seat next to a muscular masked man who can be heard saying ‘pizdec nahui suka’ under his breath.

“Mr. Ramsay, accompany me.” Lex takes Vince out of the room and starts taking with him on the way to the bathroom.

“I apologize for the inconvenience, Mr. Ramsay. I’m sure you had a great weekend planned with a lovely lady before all this.”

“Don’t worry Mr. Luthor, this isn’t my first time.”

Luthor then hands Vince an envelope. “Even so, please take this as a token of forgiveness.” Before he takes his leave, he turns around to face him. “Oh, and tell Blackfire I said hi.”

After toiletporting back home, he sees Blackfire holding Jay by the neck.

“Great timing, this intruder just waltzed in here. What do you want me to do with her?”

Vince shakes himself out of his stupor. “Let her go, she’s not an intruder.”

She releases her and she drops on the floor like a sack of potatoes.

“And… please leave for like a couple of hours…?”

Blackfire looks at him, then at Jay and back at him and smirks. “Sure roommate, I’ll go out for a couple of minutes.” With that she leaves the room and closes the door behind her.

Vince goes help Jay up “I am so sorry, I forgot to tell you I have a roommate. Luckily, it’s only for a few days.”

“Don’t worry Vince, this is neither the first time nor the roughest I’ve been treated this week.”

As they walk to the bedroom Vince realizes what Blackfire meant by minutes and frowns.

Chapter Text

Unfortunately, the weekend is over. Too bad, he could’ve spent it with Mary at her home, but alas he needed to be used for the only reason he remains alive and in one piece.

Ahh Mary, one of the few who actually likes him for being Vince instead of The Deliverer. There’ll be more weekends at least.

After a normal breakfast (and dumping random foods on a plate for Blackfire for when she wakes up) he’s on his way to work. Things are a bit too normal.

That feeling ends when he enters the main building and sees Jackson holding a vagrant in a chokehold. And Todd recording it on his phone because of course he is.

“Morning Vince, don’t mind me I’m just doing my job.” Jackson greets him as she leaves the building with the intruder.

“For once.” Todd snarkily replies before Jackson returns and flips him off.

“I heard that.”

Vince then gets between the two of them to defuse the situation “Alright everyone, it’s way too early for this shit.”

“Why were you even recording anyway?” Vince tries to change the conversation.

“I wasn’t recording anything; I was using the app to find out who that guy was.” Todd calmly replies.

At this Vince, Jackson and Diego shift their attention to Todd. “App?” They say at the same time “Jinxed!” Vince blurts out, causing Jackson and Diego to glare at him.

“Are you old or something? Wayne Tech released a database of every supervillain in town. Henchmen and local scum included. Found some friends of yours in here too, Vince.”

Before Vince can say anything, Todd shows him his phone and begins to read out loud.

“Six-Pack, real name Sidney Speck.” Looking at the picture he looks just like the man Jackson just kicked out. Same beer belly, yellow suit and cape and mask with a number 6 on the top of his head.

“Hey isn’t that one of the drunks at the bar we go after work?” Diego asks and Todd nods.

“Harmless when sober, do not approach when accompanied. Known associates: Dogwelder and Bueno Excellente. Powers: massive alcohol tolerance, possible reality manipulation. “

Vince shudders once he finishes reading. “I’ve seen my fair share of scum but this guy and his friends just creep me out.”

“Same. And I had to touch him.” Jackson dusts herself off. “I’m gonna ask if I can get a new uniform.”

Just then his phone alarm rings. “I’m running late guys, see you at lunchtime.”

As he’s driving in the van the music from the radio gets interrupted by the news of a massive prison break at Blackgate Penitentiary. It advises the people to remain calm and let the authorities (and Batman) handle it.

“Like we always do.” Vince says to himself.

Knocking on the Commissioner’s door, Barbara greets him. She looks different, in contrast with her usually bubbly personality.

“Good morning, Barbara.” Vince tries breaking the ice.

“…Hey.” She mutters just loud enough. While he’s never been the type to be that useful as someone who listens, he figures he should at least try.

“Something wrong?”

“Nah, it’s just… have you seen the news lately?”

Now it’s Vince’s turn to deflate “Yeah yeah, the chaos, the pornography and how society in general has led to the collapse of order and the beckoning of chaos. I’ve heard all that since I was half your age.”

She sighs. “I meant something more specific, Vince. The prison break.”

Vince nods. “Right, that. Surely, they can keep it contained since Blackgate is on an island and all. No one can be that incompetent, right?”

“I’ll have you know my dad is trying his best.”

“I know, too bad only he is doing so.”

Before she can respond, an unknown assailant grabs Vince and slams him against the wall before putting a knife on his neck. Partly to not blow her cover and the suddenness of it all Barbara can only scream for help.

“Well well well, what do we have here? Who do you think you are, messing with a girl in a wheelchair?” says the stranger as he pushes the knife deeper on Vince’s skin.

“Who are you? What do you want?” Vince can only sputter out.

“Oh, but you know me. You know my name.”

“Sorry, I really don’t.”

“Oh well, you can ask Thomas Wayne when you see him.”

But before he can take him to meet Bruce Wayne’s father the assailant suddenly falls unconscious and behind him none other than Six-Pack is holding a beer bottle before opening it and punishing his liver.

Vince rushes to Barbara’s side. “Are you ok, Barbara?”

She takes deep breaths. “Yeah… I’m going back home. Thanks.”

“Wait it’s not safe out here, if that guy is any indication.” Whether he meant the unconscious man or the soon-to-be one he’s not sure himself.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll call my dad and he’ll get Batman. This isn’t my first rodeo.” She then goes back home and closes the door, but not before grabbing the package. Several locks can be heard from outside.

Downloading the app and using the camera function Vince determines the man that almost did what the Joker hasn’t tried to do is James Gordon Jr. A psychopath and serial killer. The apple tried and succeeded to throw itself as far from the tree as humanly possible.

“Thanks, Six-Pack. I could’ve died without you.” Vince tells the barely functional alcoholic who either pulled another bottle from who knows where or has a never-ending bottle of beer.

He burps out loud. “Don’t thank me yet, you’ll see me later.” He says as he sits on Jr’s back. Vince takes that as his cue to leave the area. He hears and sees police sirens approaching the place as he drives away.

It’s now lunchtime and his three colleagues are looking at him like he grew a second head. Or third depending on who’s asking.

“Did… something happened on the street?” Diego is the first to ask.

“Let’s just say, I met the exact opposite of someone we already know.”

Now the speculation begins. From a poor Batman that kills to an evil dictator Superman, they couldn’t be further from the truth.

“I met James Gordon Jr. and he almost slashed my throat open.” Vince finally ends the gossiping.

“How was your weekend?” Jackson also wants to end the previous conversation and Vince is more than happy to oblige.

“It started alright, picked Ivy outside of Arkham and then I had a date with Mary.”

“Nice. Did you get lucky?” Jackson elbows Todd in the ribs.

“Yes and no. I got blueballed by the Penguin who used me as a sales pitch. Then he tried to compensate with one of his girls. Still got laid tho but it wasn’t the same.” And that was the weekend, minus some very important details he omitted for their sake.

He then pulls out the envelope from his pocket “Lex Luthor gave me this. I don’t know what it is.” Opening it is a card with a link on it. Entering that link reveals a whole host of accounts from all manner of websites. The others huddle around it and watch the list grow larger and larger.

“Mind sharing some of those with your best pals in the whole wide world, friend Vince?” Todd starts pleading, earning an eyeroll from Jackson and Diego.

Vince shrugs. “Sure, why not.”

Then lunchtime ends and Vince heads towards the afternoon office and just as he’s about to check the addresses of the packages the stall door opens and Six-Pack shows up once more.

“Hey pal!” he enters the stall “I told you you’d see me again and here I am!”

Vince inhales deep and exhales, coughing up due to the stench of alcohol in a confined space. “At least tell me the guy got arrested.”

“Of course he was! I wouldn’t let a dangerous criminal roam free, now would I?”

Vince looks at the database to confirm he is in fact considered a superhero “I guess not. Wait, what are you doing here?”

“Well, some of those packages are for my associates. And you’re gonna need my help.”

Vince then remembers Six-Pack’s associates include names like Dogwelder and shudders a bit.

“Fine. When I grab you you close your eyes or we won’t move from here. After I'm done with these other ones that is.”

After grabbing three boxes both men are transported to a dirty bathroom with the characteristic smell of death. Opening the door to a dark and smellier apartment, Vince hopes those lumps on the floor are discarded packages of food.

Suddenly the room gets illuminated by a blue light courtesy of a man wearing a welder’s mask and a blowtorch on one hand. His other hand holds a dead puppy.

“Oh look, it’s the Deliverer!” he wiggles the dog like an even more disturbing version of the Ventriloquist and Scarface.

Before he can do his namesake on Vince, Speck gets between them. “Hey! He’s with me! That thing you wanted, he’s got it!”

Dogwelder then puts the dead animal on the floor and shuts off the blowtorch, taking the package and signing the clipboard… before picking up a different dead dog and wiggling it. “Next time I see you, to your face!”

Vince and Six-Pack waste no time leaving the apartment, careful to not even touch the ‘lumps’.

“Follow me, the next one is nearby.” The two men walk towards a seemingly normal door and Vince knocks on it. Opening it is a large hairy balding man wearing only a black speedo and a trench coat.

“Bueno….” The man starts licking his lips.

“Hold on, there’s something for you. Don’t go crazy on me just yet.” Speck once more gets to be a mediator. If Harley is considered a friend in a low place, this guy is surely the bottom of the barrel.

Vince then hands the man his package, after which he signs the clipboard.

“Excellente.” He then retreads back inside and locks his door.

“Come on, just one more.”

After more walking they knock on the door and are greeted with a familiar face.

“Vince? I didn't take you for a day drinker.” It’s the bartender, owner of the bar he and his coworkers go to almost every day after work. Sean Noonan. He’s also a hitman.

“I’m on the clock, Mr. Noonan. Here’s a package for you.” As the older man takes what is his he notices his companion.

“I see you’ve met two of his associates. Those are the normal ones.“

“Mr. Noonan, may I use your bathroom so I can return to work?” Vince asks, anything to not go back to Dogwelder’s or enter the lair of that obvious sexual degenerate.

“Sure kid.” He steps aside. “White door on the left.” Vince enters there and toiletports back to GPC.

“I’ll see you both at the bar.” Six-Pack takes his leave.

One final shudder and a healthy vomit on the toilet Vince leaves the bathroom and joins his coworkers at the bar owned by Mr. Noonan, imaginatively called Noonan’s

“This day has been weird and disgusting.” Vince slams his beer in one go.

“Death threats?” Diego asks.

“Not today. Just the bottom of the barrel of Gotham’s society.” Vince replies.

“I didn’t know it could get lower than The Joker.” Todd replies after finishing all the peanuts.

“Neither did I yet here we are.”

As they talk, a man with long hair and another man who wears sunglasses at night are playing pool before Wonder Liver crashes on their table. Noonan then approaches the GPC employees.

“This is gonna get really ugly, I suggest you leave now.”

Heeding the advice of an old man in a profession where men die young, the four quietly leave the bar and as soon as they leave gunshots are heard. They all rush home.

Having arrived home after dropping Todd and Diego at their respective homes, Vince climbs the stairs to the third floor and almost bumps into Poison Ivy.

“Sorry Ivy, didn’t see you there.”

“What’s wrong?” It’s rare for her to show sympathy for another person, much less a man that isn’t Batman, but she makes the effort for the sake of Harley.

“I just waded through the shit that is underneath Gotham’s underbelly. Does the name Dogwelder ring a bell?”

Ivy almost gags at the mention of that name. “Unfortunately.”

“I also met the son of Commissioner Gordon.”

She narrows her eyes. “Only five minutes in Arkham Asylum.”

Vince looks at his phone “Oh sorry it’s getting late and I didn’t mean to interrupt… whatever you’re about to do. It was nice talking to you Ivy.”

She just nods “Pleasure was all mine, Vincent.” And goes down the stairs while he enters his apartment.

He doesn’t even bother to undress or acknowledge his roommate’s absence before collapsing face first on his bed.