Chapter Text
"I thought I wanted a holidate. But the truth is, I just want you. For all holidays, and weekends, and weekdays too would be nice."
The character in the film says with tears in her eyes, and Seokjin laughs. "That's hilarious."
"What?" Hoseok asks.
They are at Seokjin's place, with some open beers on the coffee table, a pizza box with no pizza inside because they both ate it all in the first five minutes of the movie, and Hoseok with his legs on top of Seokjin. He tries to find the best position to watch the rest without his back hurting more because of the uncomfortable couch.
"These movie endings are hilarious."
"Why? I think it's cute."
"You don’t count, Hoseok-ah, you think everything is cute."
"You're cute," Hoseok says smiling, and contradicting his words, he gives a weak kick to Seokjin's stomach, who pinches his leg in response. "Ouch, hyung!"
"It's ridiculous! I would never do that, climb onto Santa's chair, in the middle of a crowded shopping mall, grab a microphone, and give a monologue listing why I was stupid and still declaring myself to someone. Unrealistic, false, and ridiculous."
"Just say you are not romantic."
"There's a big difference between being a romantic and being an idiot. Big difference. And another thing, couldn't she just, I don't know, not be stupid and afraid of actually talking to the guy and maybe call or go to his house? That's how adults solve their stuff."
"That's a movie, hyung! It's not supposed to be like real life. And it is romantic to resolve things this way."
"Oh yeah?" Seokjin looks at Hoseok, smirking at him. "Would you like a romantic gesture like that, Hoseok-ah? Or maybe you'd like it better if the guy you're hooking up with stopped a football game, grabbed the microphone, and asked you to be his boyfriend in front of the whole campus, that would seem better for you?" Seokjin smiles innocently at his friend while Hoseok looks at him with fire in his eyes.
"That's unfair!"
"What? You said it yourself, it's romantic. Namjoon was romantic too, and he did the same thing as that girl."
"Yeah, but we'd only been going out for three weeks. I didn't even know if I really liked him."
"So?"
"Just- Shut up," Hoseok says, taking his legs off Seokjin's lap and crossing his arms over his chest. Seokjin laughs at how the scene seems a little childish with the pouting.
"I'm just saying there's a better way than going through all that humiliation, like asking the person to talk somewhere else or even at their house, in privacy. Being romantic is the act of trying, of being there, not shouting for all the world to hear how stupid you were."
"No hyung, it's both. It's everything, honestly. It's trying, it's screaming, it's being silent, it's being willing to do anything for the person, that's being romantic."
Ironically, it's Seokjin who stays silent after that. As the movie ends and Hoseok cleans up the mess to leave, Seokjin thinks about what he said.
There was a time when he thought like Hoseok, when he believed in everything he saw and heard, that films like that would make him sigh and hope there were better things to come for him. And then he came. A dream. A tall man with short black hair, full lips, but not as full as his own, a striking half-moon gaze, discreet laugh, deep voice, and strong hands that held Seokjin and made him believe he was safe in his arms. Park Minseok.
They dated for almost two years. For Seokjin, it was like love at first sight. Minseok clouded his thoughts, he was the only thing Seokjin could think about. Ever since he was a teenager and his first love didn't work out, Seokjin dreamed of having feelings for someone again, to the point where his stomach would get butterflies and he would feel so in love that he would be able to do anything.
That was what being with Minseok was. It was Seokjin believing that he could touch the sky and find paradise in the arms of his, until then, boyfriend.
Minseok was smart, handsome, funny, and interesting, the kind of man Seokjin always dreamed of dating. But soon, insecurity crept in, and with it, problems. Minseok was interesting and handsome, and it wasn't just Seokjin who thought that. Wherever they went, Minseok was able to attract people's attention and make them stick around. Seokjin didn't blame these people because he was one of them.
There were moments when Seokjin wondered if he was up to Minseok's standards, especially when he talked about the family business or how he had planned his whole future. At those moments, Seokjin realized that Minseok did know what he wanted and how to get it, but he was still a mess.
Even though he was about to graduate, Seokjin still had doubts about everything. He wondered about his chosen career, whether it was what he really wanted, and if so, what he should do with it in the future.
For a while, being a lawyer was all he wanted to be, with so many paths and directions he could take and help other people, but as the days go by and reality seems to be knocking harder on his door, Seokjin wonders if that's what it's all about.
Despite living alone for three years, he still wondered if he was doing his monthly grocery shopping right and if the brand of fabric softener was indeed good or if he was just being fooled by the cute puppy commercials. He still doesn't know if he should buy a car or save money to travel when college is over. He still can't pick his favorite flavor of ice cream, and for God's sake, don't ask him what his favorite movie or song is.
There were times when Seokjin felt small when he heard Minseok sounding so sure about his life, and even more insecure when he saw other people sounding as sure about the future as Minseok and showing interest in him.
Seokjin is a jealous man, he can admit that, but he never reached the level he did with Minseok. Now, looking from the outside, three months after the breakup, Seokjin thinks it was his insecurity that spoke louder, the fear that Minseok would find someone much better than him and leave him with his doubts, questions, and different favorite flavors of ice cream every day.
Maybe his insecurities were right because it didn't take long for Minseok to decide that it was better to end it before they started to hate each other. That day, Seokjin wondered if Minseok hated him already, but he never dared to ask out loud. He just accepted it.
He didn't grab a microphone and shout his love for him. He didn't climb into a Santa Claus chair and talk in front of a crowd about his biggest flaws and all the reasons why Minseok should stay with him. He didn't knock on his door in the middle of the night or meet him by chance on the street, even though they still lived in the same neighborhood.
Seokjin didn't do any of that because the moment Minseok broke up with him, he understood that this romance thing would lead nowhere. Some people leave and forget too quickly, others stay and never get over it. That's real life.
❤️
Four months. Seokjin is fine. Despite what Hoseok and Yoongi might think.
They take him to parties and strangers' houses to drink. They introduce their friends so Seokjin can take the initiative to move forward, but honestly, why move on so fast?
Seokjin is okay with experiencing the grief that comes with a breakup, he has the right to do so. He dated the man for two years and loved him, it's hard to meet someone at the club and go home with them. Well, it was hard for the first two months, but now Seokjin is more comfortable with it, he actually managed to hook up with someone, and that's a big deal for him.
The thing is, unlike what his friends think, Seokjin doesn't want to date right now. He's actually enjoying this no-strings-attached life where he doesn't have to explain to his hookup why he has a locked drawer in his wardrobe that he only opens in severe situations involving alcoholic drinks. It's easy, he's managing to deal with the loneliness, and it's not as bad as everyone said. He is doing well.
But then Seokjin sits alone at a table in a club and gets drunk. When he stands up, he will most likely take two steps and fall. Yoongi is somewhere dancing, and from where he is, Seokjin can see Hoseok trying to talk to Namjoon. He thinks about getting up and going to save his friend, but again, two steps and he will fall, no doubt.
Seokjin takes another sip of his drink. He watches the lights of the club do their dance. He looks at his phone and sighs that he doesn't have any missed messages or calls, even though it hasn't even been two minutes since he looked, expecting the same thing.
As much as Seokjin is fine grieving and blah blah, there are times when he wants to be weak. And even more so, he wants Minseok to be weak. He wants his ex-boyfriend to get drunk, just like he is now, and send him a message saying that he regrets it, that he is stupid, and all he needs in life is Seokjin. He wants a sign, whatever it may be.
Seokjin could be the weak one. He could text asking if Minseok is doing anything today or if his favorite Sherlock Holmes t-shirt is at his house, even though Seokjin knows it's in his second drawer in the dresser next to the wardrobe.
He could do that, but even drunk, Seokjin doesn't have the luxury of being stupid. He can't be the person who runs after, he was the one left behind. It's only fair to Minseok to chase after him and beg him to get back together.
"It's only been three- almost four months…" He mutters to himself and drinks the rest of his drink. Sighing, he decides he has to drink more because his drunkenness seems to be wearing off just thinking about his ex.
Almost four months.
Seokjin just hopes that Minseok is missing him as much as he is.
❤️
A week later, Seokjin makes a big decision: he is going on vacation!
Or at least intends to. It can't be too far away or anything too expensive and fancy, something close enough to still have money left.
He's at the mall, he got a ride with Hoseok because his friend now turned into a stalker and wanted to go buy underwear at the store where Kim Namjoon works. Seokjin left Hoseok alone in the store annoying the football player, Namjoon, after spending more than forty minutes choosing one underwear, and went to walk around the mall.
His decision to travel happened in stages, in the last half hour to be more exact. He went into a store and saw a shirt with a leaf print, very colorful and eye-catching, perfect for a tourist to wear on the beach, for example. Seokjin imagined himself there, lying on the sand, the hot sun warming his skin while someone applied sunscreen to his back. The imaginary sound of the sea is nice, and Seokjin wants to get into the water.
He sees himself in this, and the idea is good! It's something he can do.
That's why he walks quickly and determinedly to the tourist agency and stops by the window to look at the offers. Some are very expensive, and others are even more expensive. The only one that might be ideal for Seokjin is a trip to Jeju; affordable, nine days on the island, and the place seems beautiful, however, it's only for couples.
Maybe Seokjin can convince Hoseok or even Yoongi to go with him. But he doubts Hoseok would agree, he wouldn't risk ruining things with Namjoon again. Yoongi has his classes and his job, he wouldn't miss a day, especially at work.
Seokjin lets out a sigh, disheartened that now, after finally making up his mind, things won’t go as planned.
"You know, I don't think you'll find any nursing homes here."
A voice says behind Seokjin and he jumps, but before he can turn around, he already knows who it is.
"And what do you mean by that, Jungkook-ah?" Seokjin looks at him with a half-smile.
Jungkook stands behind Seokjin and briefly looks at him. Seokjin notices his clothes and controls himself not to snort in the man's face. Jungkook is always dressed in black from head to toe. Seokjin thinks it's funny, maybe he's fighting for a cause, or he's a rebel without a cause.
"Oh, you know, old man and stuff," He grins, clearly thinking he's the funniest for teasing Seokjin because of his age.
"You know Yoongi is in the same year of college as me, right?! Why don't you tease him like that too?"
"Because he's cool," Jungkook says like it's obvious.
"Yeah, right."
Jeon Jungkook is in his second year, while Seokjin is in his final year of college, freaking out about the responsibilities of adult life. The contrast is sometimes quite obvious, as Seokjin worries about finding a job that will ensure he can afford to keep a roof over his head and food in the fridge, Jungkook, on the other hand, only thinks about going to as many parties as possible. Not that Seokjin is judging, he was just like that at the beginning of college, if not worse.
They met a while ago, Seokjin hadn't gone to the freshman reception party because of a cocktail with Minseok's family. He also didn't go to other parties it had throughout the year where he could have met the freshmen because Minseok didn't think they were at the age to "do those things", as he often loved to say. Seokjin liked parties and meeting people, but at the time he thought Minseok was right and accepted.
He met Jungkook through Yoongi. The two had met at one of these parties, and for some reason, which Seokjin still doesn't understand, Yoongi really liked Jungkook and has always kept him close since then. Which can be a nightmare for Seokjin sometimes because Jungkook loves messing with him. It's silly, and Seokjin always fights back, being sillier. But he can't let a freshman make fun of him, he needs to do the same, or worse, it's a matter of principle.
"What are you looking at?"
"Your mom," Seokjin responds curtly, and Jungkook laughs next to him.
"So mature."
"I think so too," Seokjin fake smiles. "I'm thinking about whether to take a trip or buy a car."
"Hm," Jungkook murmurs, and Seokjin looks at him.
"That's it? Just 'hm'? I expected more from you. You always have an answer at the tip of your tongue."
"What do you want me to say?" Jungkook laughs again. "Travelling is cool, so is having a car. Either one you choose will be cool."
"Yeah, I guess."
"I mean, it depends on where you want to go. Maybe you can go somewhere not so expensive and not so fancy and have money left over to buy a car later."
Seokjin looks at him in surprise. "That's exactly what I thought."
"I don't know if it's a compliment or an insult." Jungkook intends to think hard about that one.
"You're so stupid."
"You can go to Jeju. The price is good for couples." Jungkook shrugs, and Seokjin feels his entire body stiffen.
Yeah, right. There are people who still don't know about his breakup, and it always hurts a little more to have to tell them it's over and see the condescending look on their faces.
"Yeah, I guess I can't go for that then."
"Why? Your boyfriend doesn't want to travel with you?"
"We broke up."
Jungkook looks at him astonished. Seokjin wants to laugh at how huge his eyes get. "Oh."
"Yeah…"
"I'm sorry?" Jungkook narrows his eyes, unsure how to act since Seokjin isn't showing much.
"Thanks."
"It's recent?"
"Kind of." He looks back at the travel packages. Talking about it now makes him want to travel more, escape Seoul, and take some time off without thinking if he will see Minseok every time he leaves the house. He needs some peace, but why does peace have to be so expensive?
"I see," Jungkook says and shifts a little uncomfortably. "Well, good for you then." He says last, and that catches Seokjin's attention.
"What do you mean?"
"No offense but he was… Boring." Jungkook squints his eyes again, tilting his head towards Seokjin.
"No, he wasn't!" Why is Seokjin so offended by that?
"Hyung, I've seen him several times and never seen him laughing or at least seeming to enjoy things around him even once. He acted like a robot, and you were the same by his side."
Seokjin is in shock. He expects Jungkook to act like everyone else by saying that he's sorry, that everything will be all right, and that he'll move on and leave it at that. No one ever said that about Minseok, not even Hoseok, and his best friend wasn't a big fan of his ex.
"You didn't know him," Seokjin turns completely towards Jungkook. "And what do you mean by robot? He was always talking to people."
"Yes, although on the outside, he looked like a man in his 60s, teaching a class full of dull, annoying students, and exhausted with his own life."
Seokjin looks at Jungkook perplexed, "What? What the fuck are you talking about?"
"You never noticed?"
"Jungkook-" Seokjin can't even finish his thought. He looks at the travel packages again, which no longer make any sense, just a lot of jumbled letters. He takes a deep breath, annoyed with Jungkook again. What bothers Seokjin more is that he's taking it to heart. Also, hearing Jungkook say he looked like a robot next to Minseok makes his head spin. "You know what? I think you've annoyed me enough for today."
"I didn't mean to offend, at least not intentionally," Jungkook says as if it would make him feel better, and Seokjin snorts. He never acted like a robot next to Minseok.
"I- just- Bye, Jungkook."
Jungkook chuckles without humor and briefly squeezes Seokjin’s shoulder. The man stays silent, and Seokjin doesn’t check if he’s already gone. Instead, he remains still, pondering whether he ever came across as robotic next to Minseok.
But he couldn't think of a situation like that, except when Minseok brought up the family business. It was too complicated, with lots of numbers and money talk, even if they were a family of doctors. And it wasn't as if Seokjin understood anything when they talked about medicine.
There were other times when his insecurity hit too hard, and Seokjin suddenly felt like a stranger to everyone. But robot?
Seokjin stays in the same place, not taking his eyes off the scrambled words, when something catches his attention, or better yet, a sound. It is a laugh. And he knows exactly who it belongs to.
Terrified, Seokjin slowly focuses his vision inside the store and sees the one he least wanted, Minseok.
Seokjin's whole body freezes, and suddenly he can't remember how to breathe anymore.
Today is the day Seokjin didn't want to see Minseok.
Seokjin doesn't know what to do. Should he say hello? Should he run away and pretend to himself that he never saw Minseok? Should he pretend to walk into the shop and accidentally bump into him? What should he do?
Within seconds, a thousand possibilities cross his mind, and each one seems more absurd than the last. Seokjin concludes that the first two things he thinks of are his best options, and while he decides whether to say hi or run, his world collapses.
It feels as if time is slowing down. Seokjin can sense his heart weakening, each beat growing fainter, as if keeping him alive at that moment is the most difficult task his body has ever faced—because right in front of him, Minseok is kissing another man.
Great.
That is just so fucking great!
The world still seems to be moving in slow motion because there is no other explanation for why that kiss is taking so long. He feels everything lose meaning as Minseok moves away from the other man, only to wrap his arm around his shoulder and hug him. They both have a huge smile and Seokjin feels like a weirdo watching from afar.
Wait.
That's when it hits Seokjin, is Minseok dating someone? Four fucking months after they broke up? What the fuck?
Seokjin almost cries, that can't be true. It's not possible that in the last few months, Seokjin felt like he was dying every time he thought about his ex only for this jerk to be with someone else after such a short time! Why is Minseok already dating someone else if Seokjin still hasn't gotten over the breakup?
Oh.
A second realisation hits Seokjin, stronger and more painful, and he hopes that the ground will open at his feet and the earth will swallow him up out of mercy, saving him the trouble of digging a hole to hide in forever, for now he feels his eyes burning from holding back his tears.
Minseok never loved him?
So now Seokjin is the pathetic ex who cries while watching rom-coms, who has a locked drawer with his ex's clothes, and who is in the middle of the mall making a ridiculous and dramatic scene because he's kissing another guy in front of him?
He can't stay here, he can't be this person, and be seen by Minseok in those horrible clothes he hastily put on because Hoseok wanted to see Namjoon soon. Seokjin doesn't want the man in Minseok's arms, who looks more like a model, to see him in this situation.
"Fuck."
But it's not Seokjin who says it. He turns around frightened to find Jungkook there.
"What the fuck are you still doing here?" Seokjin growls at Jungkook. He's so close that Seokjin can barely turn all the way back.
Jungkook stands like a stone behind Seokjin, not moving an inch. Normally, Seokjin would use this moment to take out all the irritation that the other had made him feel before, adding to it the shame, humiliation, and pain he now feels, cursing him for getting so close, but the look on his face makes Seokjin freeze.
Jungkook has the same expression Seokjin probably had when he saw the scene. But why?
"Why are you so close? Why is your face like that?"
Jungkook stays for another ten seconds with an expression of pure shock, and says, "That's my ex."
Oh. Fuck.