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Mizuki did feel somewhat bad about cancelling her plans to hang out with An, but seeing as Kanade considered them the resident expert on gender in all of Nightcord, she thought it was maybe a little important to go help Mafuyu with the problem they were having.
Sorry I have to cancel – friend needs help with a gender thing! Mizuki sent the message to An the instant she’d written it down. She had a mission: teach her very dysphoric friend that it was possible to minimize the emotional pain of not being able to recognize yourself in the mirror, even if that meant sacrificing her paycheck for it.
Thankfully, Kanade’s house wasn’t far, and Mizuki found herself at the doorstep in no time. “Hey, Yuki, you there?”
“Yeah. Do we have to go out?”
“What, you want to shop online?”
“... No.”
“I’ll be with you. Kanade trusts me,” she added, as if that would make any difference.
Apparently that made a lot of difference, because the door opened. Mafuyu looked beaten down, and Mizuki found herself relating to that expression a lot. It made sense that their dysphoria had made itself evident when there were no other major concerns and sources of pain, but Mizuki knew it wasn’t fun to go through a period of deep realization and then not know what to do about fixing it. “I’m paying,” Mizuki said.
Kanade kissed Mafuyu on the cheek as a goodbye (Mizuki silently thanked whatever deities were out there that the two had gotten together) and then disappeared back into her room.
“I don’t want to be perceived,” Mafuyu said. They stared at Mizuki for a good five seconds before adding, “Where are we going?”
“The mall.” Mizuki grinned. “Off we go to accomplish our great mission!” She walked down the steps, Mafuyu following closely behind her.
“What great mission?”
“Helping you make sense of everything. God knows I could’ve used that help when I was in your shoes.”
“... You’ve never worn my shoes.”
“Metaphorically.”
“Oh.” Mafuyu must’ve been thinking something over, because they stopped walking, and Mizuki had to stop for them to catch up. “I want a haircut.”
“Got it!”
The first part of the walk to the mall was done in relative silence. It was quite peaceful to just take a minute to breathe, even if Mizuki would’ve loved to tease Ena relentlessly about whatever came to mind. Mafuyu was not a talkative person, and Mizuki knew they probably needed some quiet, so she let herself relax a little. They were with a friend, after all! A friend who, after some explanations, had accepted Mizuki for who she was. Mizuki missed Ena’s banter, but she quite liked just being around her friends, too.
Maybe she should drag Mafuyu out to the mall more often.
“You seemed happy that Kanade and I are in a relationship,” Mafuyu observed.
“Yeah. Glad you two are comfortable trusting your hearts to each other.” Mizuki crossed her arms over her chest. Yes, she was a little jealous of her two friends, but that wasn’t going to impact this trip. This was about helping a friend.
“You should tell Ena how you feel about her.” The statement caught Mizuki off guard.
“What- what- how'd you...”
“Your interactions with her verge on romantic from a flirting standpoint. She most likely feels the same way, if the way she worried about you after you cut contact with us out of fear is any indication.” Mafuyu was looking Mizuki in the eye now. “She cares about you more than you seem to want anyone to.” They clasped their hands together and shook them out. “I can sit next to you if you want.”
“How are you so good at reading people?” While Mizuki hadn’t forgotten about the You all want to disappear incident from over a year ago, she’d always wondered how Mafuyu had some innate ability to understand what was going on in people’s minds. That was probably why they wanted to be a nurse.
“I used to read psychological studies for fun.” Their tone of voice indicated this wasn’t a joke.
“Anything else you learned from those?”
“Do you actually want to know, or are you deflecting from the issue at hand?”
“I want to know,” Mizuki said. “Are... you’re not used to that.”
“No.” Mafuyu wouldn’t meet Mizuki’s eyes now. “I am not.”
“Both.”
“Oh. One study known to the broader public is the marshmallow experiment, where researchers gave children a marshmallow and said that they could eat it then or wait for a better reward. The conclusion they came to was that the children who could wait generally showed better results in life compared to those who could not. However, newer studies repeating the same experiment showed that this wasn’t as good of a predictor of success as had been originally stated.”
Mizuki felt more than a little impressed. Then she saw the expression on Mafuyu’s face. “Hey, I like listening to you talk about that. It’s interesting.”
The tiny smile on Mafuyu’s face would’ve made Kanade blush by how cute it was. “It is?”
“Yeah.”
The rest of the walk was peppered with information Mizuki hadn’t known, including the existence of things she’d never thought existed and a ton of facts about the emotional impact of staying in hospital for extended periods of time. She did notice that Mafuyu fiddled anxiously with their hands, which was probably a sign that they were letting themself express their emotions more.
(Mizuki had learned in the past few minutes that the hand gestures could also be a sign of autism, but it wasn’t their place to diagnose that.)
Once they arrived at the mall, Mizuki directed Mafuyu to the hairdresser’s shop. “Here we are!”
“I’m getting short hair.”
Mizuki had never been the friend one would think of as an expert on masculine hairstyles, but their sister was an expert on everything related to appearance, and Mizuki had always loved it when she’d cut their hair so it made them feel more like a girl. Socially masculine cuts tended to be more sharp and short than feminine ones, so Mizuki helped her friend choose something they liked.
Seeing Mafuyu with short hair was something Mizuki hadn’t considered before, but it was hard to deny they looked really good with it.
“Mind if I take a picture to send to Kanade and Ena?”
“Okay.”
Mizuki snapped the photo and placed it in Nightcord’s main group chat. Neither of the individuals present in the hairdresser’s store could ever have known that it would cause a very strong feeling of pride and love from Kanade’s end and a slight amount of annoyance from Ena, because she now had to deal with a very, very lovesick Kanade.
“Now, the shopping spree begins!”
“You don’t even know if I’ll get anything.”
Five minutes into a foray at a men’s clothing store, and Mizuki was already fearing that her card would decline at checkout. Mafuyu had taken a liking to almost everything they saw, and the spark in their eyes was one of pure joy. They didn’t even notice the people giving them strange looks. Mizuki recognized trans joy when she saw it, and here it was being displayed in its purest form. She almost had trouble telling Mafuyu that they needed to put a few things back.
“I think the sweater is nice. It kind of hides my chest.”
“There’s a few other solutions to that,” Mizuki said. “Are you interested in-”
“Yes please.”
“I’ve never seen you this energetic before.”
“I feel very warm.” Mafuyu glanced at the pile of clothes. “Thank you.”
Mizuki tapped their card on the machine. It did not decline. “No problem. Always happy to help.” She took the bag from the employee at the cash. Mafuyu was staring at it. “You want to go change or something?”
“Yes.”
Mizuki scrolled through her notifications, looking for anything that might indicate Kanade had seen the picture. She’d see Mafuyu’s new haircut when they all met up at the diner (and she’d probably fiddle with it, too, given how many times Mafuyu showed up to SEKAI with something that was not her usual ponytail), but Mizuki had a feeling she’d lesbian panicked already.
Wait, was that even the right term anymore?
2 new messages from K.
Oh.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Amia tysm
That was it?
3 new messages from enanan
Thanks for that. Now I have to deal with this
[picture of k staring at phone]
Hey, you have a trans friend now. How’s it feel
Also, you owe me cheesecake from last week’s bet.
Mizuki laughed. That was typical Ena.
Always on my back, Enanan?
You're an idiot.
I’m your idiot.
Oh, did Yuki talk to you about us getting together?
Yeah why
They gave me the same speech yesterday.
Should I tell them?
You can when we’re all together.
You’re so mean.
I took Yuki out today!
... fair
Mizuki pocketed her phone.
“You were smiling like you were in love,” Mafuyu said. “Ena?”
“You’re scary good at that.” Mizuki sighed. “And yes, Ena. She told me Kanade’s in love with your new haircut.”
“Kanade couldn’t tell you?”
“I think she was too focused on how good it makes you look. Anyway, is there...”
“You said something about ways to hide the chest?”
“There’s one place that sells it.”
“I didn’t think anywhere would. We don’t live in Canada.” Mafuyu glanced at their surroundings like they were looking for someone. “You haven’t seen-”
Oh. Oh, yeah, that made sense. “No, and I’d tell you if I did.”
Mafuyu let their shoulders fall back. “I just-”
“I get it. I do the same thing with people from my school.” Mizuki looked around, realized something, and then frowned. “Actually, we should head in that direction. It’s um, it’s-”
“I understand.”
Mizuki didn’t want to drag Mafuyu through the mall if it made them uncomfortable, but this was an exemption. She wasn’t good at improvisation, so this was the only other option.
Being followed was never a pleasant sensation, and Mizuki had to remind both herself and Mafuyu that looking back made you seem like you were scared. Mafuyu’s hands were shaking.
They merged with a crowd, which was suffocating. Mizuki felt someone grab her hand and only relaxed when she realized it was Mafuyu.
“We’re not alone,” they whispered. “We’re never going to be alone.”
Mizuki wondered if this was a coping mechanism or if it was meant to be reassuring. Either way, she gave them a smile. “We’re okay.”
Eventually, they made it out of the crowd and emerged near the place Mizuki had wanted to go. It was a small store that mostly sold anime merch, which was why she’d discovered it in the first place, and the owner was trans herself. Mizuki had had several talks about identity with her, and they’d learned about the section of gender-affirming products at the back when she’d came out to the owner.
“Hey, Yamamoto-san, my friend here’d like to see the closet!”
“Hello, Mizuki. How have you been?”
“Oh, right, sorry. I’m well, hello, how are you?”
“Excellent. Now, who’s your friend?”
Mafuyu bit her lip. “I’m Yuki.”
“Yuki? Lovely name.” Yamamoto smiled. “Mizuki’s forgotten where the closet is, I think, since she’s out of it already.” She got up from her seat. “Follow me.”
“Ah.”
“If you don’t mind me asking, is there a reason you seem so on edge?” She unlocked a door at the back. “Mizuki was the same way, but I can see you’re not her.”
“My mother has very strict ideas about how I present myself in public. I- I ran away from home half a year ago after it got too difficult to stay.”
“Mizuki isn’t your roommate, though.”
“I live with the person I’m dating. She’s very nice.” Mafuyu picked up a garment. “What’s this?”
“A binder!” Mizuki called out from where they were picking over some figurines from their favourite anime. “It compresses your chest. You can’t wear it for too long without needing a break from it, though.”
“Okay.”
Mizuki snuck over to see what was going on. “Hey, Yuki, what about that?”
“It looks like I could get it at the hardware store.”
“It doesn’t hurt as much as duct tape.”
“So like the physiotherapy tape?”
“I’ll take your word for it.”
“I’ll get it.”
Yamamoto walked them through everything else, politely evicting Mizuki from the conversation. She browsed through the pins at the front and placed a few in her hands. They were simple enough to go unnoticed, but elaborate enough to feel real.
One read she/they and the other read he/they . The former was for Mizuki and the latter would make a good coming out gift.
Mafuyu tapped Mizuki on the shoulder. “Are you going to pay or should I?”
“Here? I’ll pay.”
“Are you sure?”
“It’s not much,” Mizuki said. “Besides, I think everyone would say it’s worth it. You’re happier.”
“I do feel warmer. As if I was always wanting to let go of the fear, and now I can.” Mafuyu checked her phone. “Kanade seems to think I’m an angel.”
“Is that what she sent you?” Wow , was Kanade ever down bad. Mizuki couldn’t blame her, though; from an objective perspective, Mafuyu looked amazing.
Paying for the binder, tape, and pins made Mizuki feel lighter than she had in a long while.
“I love your hair,” Kanade said for what must’ve been the fifteenth time. She’d been running her hands through it the whole time they’d been at the diner. “It’s quite fluffy.”
“Thank you.”
Ena rolled her eyes. “Oh, get a room.”
“We share several rooms. We live in the same apartment,” Mafuyu remarked.
“Not like- why do I even bother?” She stirred the remainder of her drink with a straw. “Mizuki, this is third wheeling, right?”
“I’m with Yuki on that one. They do have rooms.”
Ena nudged Mizuki’s shoulder. “You idiot. You’re lucky I’m in love with you.”
The expression that presented itself on Mafuyu’s face was similar to what it would have been if he had been hit by a truck or similar vehicle. “You’re already...”
“I didn’t want to spoil anything,” Mizuki blurted. “After she found me after the rooftop incident. We kissed.”
“Didn’t need to mention that bit,” Ena muttered, her face bright red.
“So your overly flirtatious comments since then were actual flirting?”
“How did you.... I don’t think I want to know.”
“Yes,” Mizuki clarified.
“I thought so,” Mafuyu said. “I wasn’t sure, so I expressed an interest in seeing you date to see if either of you would confirm it.”
Ena seemed to have an interest in slamming her head against the table. “You can just ask.”
“That seems impolite.”
“Now you care about being seen as polite?”
“You’re my friend. I wouldn’t ask you that.”
“You’d ask a stranger that, though?”
“Yes. I don’t know them, and they won’t remember it in a few months anyway.”
Mizuki wrapped an arm around Ena so she could pretend to scream into their shoulder. She looked at her friends – some of the best people she’d ever known – and hoped that, if forever did exist, that she’d spend it by their side. Because what was love, what was joy, if not shared with others? They’d been united in struggle, and now they were together in comfort. They were friends – true friends, unlike some people Mizuki knew – and they were in for the ride together. No matter what, Mizuki would be here for them, and they would be there for her in return.
There was no one else she’d rather be stuck with for the rest of her days.