Archive of Our Own ^beta

It wasn’t like Nie Mingjue meant to hurt Meng Yao. He never meant to hurt him. He wasn’t a bad person.

See, what had happened was this: He had gotten carried away. it wasn’t like Meng Yao had asked him to stop. And saying it hurt- well Meng Yao liked pain. Enjoyed it. Asked for it. Had asked so often. Nie Mingjue had trusted Meng Yao to speak up, say stop, use their safeword, do something, if he really wanted it to stop. He’d only given Meng Yao what he wanted. Yes, he didn’t remember asking about it specifically that day, but he knew Meng Yao- knew his body, knew his reactions. Hadn’t known that Meng Yao couldn’t use their agreed upon safe word- but how could he have known that?

So afterwards, when Meng Yao had turned over, cured up and started crying- well. At first Nie Mingue didn’t understand why. It wasn’t the most unexpected thing though. Meng Yao had a past, reacted strongly to things that didn’t warrant it sometimes.

So Nie Mingjue had just waited, hoped that soon they could cuddle up and enjoy the warmth in the aftermath of sex. Instead Meng Yao spoke up.

“Can you ask before you do that again?”

“What do you mean?”

“You just- did that.Without asking. Next time could you ask? It was- the list, remember?”

Oh. Now Nie Mingjue thought of it, there was something about opt in and ask first. But it had been so obvious that Meng Yao was enjoying himself- he knew Meng Yao’s body.

“Oh I guess I just figured you like consensual non consent right? I think I just got into that mode.”

(They’d done it twice before- why should Mingjue have to ask every single time? They were together for gods sake. Everyone knew there was such a thing as non-verbal consent and Meng Yao had been moaning, arching his hips. Sure, he said it hurt, but he’s kept reacting positively as Nie Mingjue had continued. And when Nie mingjue had said Meng Yao was his Meng Yao had agreed, had said he was Nie Mingjue’s.)

Nie Mingjue didn’t feel good about what had happened but- it was a mistake. A miscommunication. They happened.

–

They talked about it, after. Meng Yao reassured him that he knew it had been a mistake. That he didn’t blame Nie Mingue, that he still trusted him. They had sex again. Nie Mingjue reassured himself it couldn’t have been that bad if Meng Yao was willing to trust him like that again, was willing to be vulnerable the same way.

And once he was certain it wasn’t so bad he could start talking about it with . They didn’t need to know the details just- that there had been a miscommunication where Meng Yao hadn’t said the safeword when he felt like he should have.

It was so nice to be able to talk about it. And hearing it wasn’t his fault made him realise that he shouldn’t beat himself up about it.

So when Meng Yao decided to end their sexual relationship it came as a shock. The conversation wasn’t even about sex. Nie Mingjue had just wanted to share what his friend had told him, how there were frameworks other than blame and fault and how they could move past this.

“I talked with a friend about it and he said I shouldn’t blame myself.”

it shouldn’t have been a big deal to say.

“I don’t think I want to keep having sex with you.”

What? Where in the world was this coming from? They had just recently been talking about what they wanted to do next, about things that Nie Mingjue wanted to incorporate into their sex life. This felt like a total betrayal of the things Meng Yao had been saying just days earlier, like Meng Yao had been lying. But he couldn’t say that.

“Okay. Okay. Can I ask why?”

“I keep thinking about what happened and it feels really bad.”

Oh. Well, in that case maybe there were solutions they could look for together? Maybe Meng Yao just needed to be reminded that Nie Mingjue was safe, that he would never want to hurt someone he cared about

“Do you want to try and come up with ways we can move past it?”

“No!”

Why was Meng Yao so certain about this all of a sudden? The word had almost come out as a shout.

“Well- I really wish we could have figured out a solution to this together. You know I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know.” Meng Yao looked miserable and a part of Nie Mingjue didn’t care, wanted him to feel the same level of confusion and hurt that he was feeling himself right now.

“I know I said we could be friends if we stopped having sex but I think I’m going to need some space. Last week you were fine. I don’t understand this sudden change of heart. It’s confusing to me.”

The conversation didn’t go further than that. Of course Nie Mingjue would respect Meng Yao’s choices and boundaries- but he had to understand that actions had consequences, that this spur of the moment decision hurt Nie Mingue.

–

Meg Yao’s text, just a week after their conversation, was unexpected and made his blood run cold.

“I’ve been thinking a lot and I realised what happened was rape. You knew what you did would hurt me. You knew I wanted to be asked. It was written down. You didn’t ask. I said it hurt and you didn’t stop. We hadn’t talked about doing consensual non-consent that day. It wasn’t consensual. That was rape”

Nie Mingjue knew what rape was. Knew what it looked like to hold someone as they questioned if what happened to them was that. Had done it before- recently. But he hadn’t raped anyone!! He never wanted to hurt anyone. The thought alone made his stomach turn. He wasn’t like that. He only enjoyed pain because his partners did- and Meng Yao had. He was sure of it.

Fuck. What if Meng Yao told everyone? What if he tried to make Minjue look bad, to turn Xichen against him- god, next he’d be spreading this as an evil little rumour throughout all their social group. Meng Yao should have just used the fucking safeword if he wanted it to stop so badly. Just a week before they had done consensual non consent. And it wasn’t like “red” was hard to remember. If Meng Yao had just said that they wouldn’t be in this mess.

He didn’t answer Meng Yao that night. He needed to focus on himself now. The situation weighed heavy on his mind, and thinking it was really hurting him, and he had to make sure he stayed safe.