Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

*scene opens with guy running from a bunch of guys throwing stones at him*

[record scratch, freeze frame]
[close up shot of guy]

Hey guys it’s me Jesus.. you’re probably wondering how I got into this situation well it’s sort of a long story.

It all happened on the third day when the big boulder in front of the cave was moved and I could finally leave, it was dark in there and I missed my friends - Paul, Simon, Judas, Paul, Cool Paul, Roo Paul, Logan, Jake, Bartholomew (Barty if you’re chill), Peter, Peter (born Simon), and Levi! My homies! Well maybe not Judas anymore… we can do a deep dive soon.

So I ended up strolling around until I came across a town, when I walked in everyone stared at me like I had leprosy or something.. awkward 😬☝️

Eventually some guy taps me on the shoulder and goes “Jesus???”
I say “No shit Samson”
He stares back at me shocked before he then turns angry and goes “alright guys, get him!”
Suddenly a group of guys is chasing after me with rocks in their hands!
And that’s how I ended up here :3

[jesus is hit in the head with a small pebble]
[screen fades to black]

God: See you in the next chapter…

Chapter Text

I woke up and a strange man was carrying me, he had a shirt on that said “I am Tony Hawk” … that’s probably his name, what a goofball.

“Yo Jesus you’re awake!” he shrieks.
Wow what a nonchalant guy I think to myself.
I ask him to put me down and he does.

“Now that I’m on the ground… why were you carrying me? And where am I?” I ask the dude.

“Yo man we are in my epic cool skatepark in the desert.” He tells me

“What the heaven is a skatepark???” I question

“Oh you know man it’s like heaven but better.” He answers

“Blasphemy…” I mutter under my breath

“So, messiah, to fulfill your true destiny… since the last one didn’t work out.. I’m teaching you how to skateboard! [fire emoji]” Tony? Says to me

“Nice, this’ll really show Judas.” I tell Tony, though he doesn’t care he’s already shredding up this bitch.

“Hop on a board and get crack a lacking homeboy.”

I oblige.

I fall down a lot but Tony doesn’t care he says it’s all apart of the learning process. He teaches me some sick fricking tricks.

[skateboard montage with Even Flow playing in the background]

…

That was a nice time and I can shred boards almost as good as Tony! Nothing could bring my mood down!

Then suddenly my old pal Judas shows up. I don’t know how I should feel about this, after the incident… it’s complex y’know?

“Woah I didn’t know you were chill like that Jeez!” (Jeez is my nickname) Judas says.

Judas… the demon I cling to… best friend turned betrayer, I don’t want to talk to him but he’s so captivating.

“Hey Judas” I sigh, and do that thing where I pick up my skateboard by stepping on it.
Wait a second… how did Judas even find me???

“How did you find me?” I ask Judas

“I followed the trail of blood,” he points to the open wounds on my feet and hands, I completely forgot about those! I mean it doesn’t hurt anymore but it may be a little disturbing to the general population.

“Yeah, well look at who’s fault those are.” I say and stare him down passive aggressively.
He seems unfazed, unremorseful even!
How could this man put me through so much pain and not even feel slightly guilty about it! He legit got me crucified! Does that not even matter to this guy!?
The rage brews inside me but I look calm on the outside.

“Anywho, I was sent here by the rest of the apostles, you know the gang, and Cool Paul wanted to invite you to his uncles friends cousins wedding tomorrow. He was wondering if maybe you could do a miracle again, like the old times?” Judas said, a slight smirk on his face… that damn smirk.

“I think I can come, we’ll see.” I told him.

“Well, uh.. I hope I see you there!” Judas exclaims then runs off into the sunset.

What a jerk.

Chapter Text

I did end up going to the wedding, although I only went because Tony was also going.. not for any other people, I mean reasons. lol

The wedding was highkey lit.
Well… except for one thing.
THEY FORGOT THE WINE!!! Then I realized, these guys just wanted to do a callback, lame.

So anyways I did a little miracle and there was a lot of wine and a drunk Judas approached me.

“Jeez!! You made it! Man I thought you wouldn’t make an appearance.” Judas said shaking my shoulders.

“Yeah I’m only here for Tony..” I grumble.

“Whatever man, cool miracle bee tee dubs.” Judas said.

I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
Jk I can’t hate people, I’m Jesus! I just have big feelings ok?

“Man did you here the grooms bride is a jezebel? I was walking down the church corridor and heard some people arguing. Crazy stuff.” Judas told me.

“Judas, you’re drunk. You know I don’t gossip.” I tell him disapprovingly.

“You know Jeez, we used to be so chill, YOU used to be so chill, now it’s like we’re legit strangers.” Judas said.

“Uh yeah, I wonder why.. I’m going to go find Cool Paul” I said with a twinge of sadness.
I start to leave before Judas grabs my arm.

“See you later boy” Judas told Jesus (who is a skater boy)

I found Cool Paul, he was with the wedded gang and also with my apostle Paul (Simon) and Tony!

“Yoooooooooooooooo Jeez!!! [smirking cat emoji]” Tony shouted as I approached them.

My smile dropped, sure Jeez is technically a nickname all can use, it’s usually only Judas who uses it on me.

“Hey Tony maybe don’t call me that.” I told Tony

“Oh shoot my bad gang” he replied.

“All good Tone, it’s just my dad gets angry when I get called that.” I lied.

“Skatmboard.” Tony says.

The wedding was over and I couldn’t care less, I wandered aimlessly around town until I found Judas and I’s old hangout spot.
The olive tree. Which after holding us so close together ended up breaking our relationship, as that is where he betrayed me.

Wow memories, pretty sad stuff. It was the best of times it was the worst of times, lowkey.

I fell asleep laying against the tree that night.
My apostle Paul Simon shook me awake the following morning.

“Jesus, we need to talk” he told me.