Chapter Text
I don’t remember much from the first few days in hospital, after the surgeries. I spent most of it asleep or high on painkillers, but I remember one night so vividly. Jimmy was sitting beside my bed with one of his guitars perched on his knee. He was playing something I didn’t recognise and then he started singing, but I still had no idea where it came from. It wasn’t any of our songs, nor was it anything I had heard him play before. He sang it so beautifully and I immediately stopped worrying about whether I knew the song. All I could do was listen as he sang:
“Take me where the music ain’t too loud,
Trade drinks but you don’t even know her,
Save me till the party is over,
Kiss me in the seat of your rover,
Real sweet but I wish you were sober,”
And the moment he sang that last line I started to wonder if maybe he had written this song about me. But, before I had had a chance to think about that any longer the drugs pulled me back under and I drifted back into sleep. I was probably wrong anyway. But, ever since that day, all I can do is wonder if that song was about me. And, if it was, what does it mean? Obviously he’s saying he wants me to stop drinking, but does it mean he likes me? Or is it just as simple as he wishes I was sober? And what if the song isn’t even about me?
I try to push the thoughts from my mind. I know he doesn’t like me. He’s told me he doesn’t like me, but I want to believe he does so, so badly. I want that song to be about me so, so badly.
Why does this have to be so confusing? Why can’t I get over Jimmy? He told me he doesn't like me so why do I keep holding on to hope? Especially after I ruined every chance I had by stealing his knife. I did it to protect him, he was in such a bad place and I was just terrified he would end up hurting himself. I need to tell him that I wasn’t just jealous, bitter and drunk.
He needs to know I was genuinely trying to help him. I know I did it in the wrong way, but I haven’t had the chance to talk to him; to tell him. Once I got out of the hospital he went back to Piero’s. Rowan told me that he just needed space, that he wasn't even that annoyed. He said that Jimmy would forgive me once I explained everything, but I’m terrified he won't. I'm terrified that my stupidity will break us all apart. I know that after all I’ve done, Jimmy will never love me.
I need a break from my own thoughts. I think about leaving my room to talk to Rowan but every time I speak to him, he brings up Jimmy, which is exactly what I'm trying to escape. So all I can think of is music. Music has been the only thing to distract me in the days since I fell. After that Rowan cleared the house of all the alcohol and I'm still in too much pain to go anywhere. I guess it’s a good thing. He's trying to get me sober but at the moment I just want something to distract me. I can't get hold of alcohol, so music will have to do. I try to play my drums for a while but I can’t keep Jimmy out of my head. I give up trying to fight it off, thoughts of him echoing around my head. I’ve had ideas for a song for a while, so I grab a piece of paper from the side and pour my heart out.
After a while I have the lyrics to the first few verses as well a tune, and a drumbeat to go along with it:
You said at the party that I was too drunk
I told you I liked you,you said “Sober up”
But why would I lie? It's so clear I’m in love
With you
A tense conversation,you like someone else
I say, “if I waited, could that maybe help?”
You told me that patience won't change how you felt
For me
I like the song but I’m conflicted on whether I should actually tell Rowan. He’d be happy we could have a new song but how long would it take for him to realise it's about Jimmy? And if he ever came back Jimmy would know that I wrote it about him. I go back and forth in my head, wondering if I should tell him, but I decide to keep it to myself.
At least until Jimmy forgives me.
If he ever does.