Archive of Our Own ^beta

Khun isn’t happy. He isn’t being loud about it, the way Rak would be if he was discontent with something, grumbling and making a fuss, but he hasn’t stopped frowning since they saw Eduan.

It’s one thing to know Khun doesn’t like his father and another to know. To feel the way his heart beats harder when he sees Eduan, just like how it does when Khun is in danger.

It’s putting Bam on edge though he’s trying not to show it. If he shows unease then Khun will get even more agitated and might feel like he has to do something to fix it. Though part of Bam’s unease is because he’s still recovering from feeling Khun getting stabbed two days ago. Feeling the way his blood had leaked from his body onto the ground-

Bam takes a deep breath.

Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.

Khun’s familiar and constant heartbeat echoes in his ears and reverberates through his body and Bam can relax again. Bam wonders if people can normally hear their own heartbeats so clearly or if it’s just a him and Khun thing. Either way he’s glad for it.

Khun flops onto the bed in the room with slightly less grace than usual as Bam hovers nearby.

“Does it…” Bam hesitates. “Does it really bother you that much? Training with him?” He asks carefully.

Bam doesn’t regret asking but he can’t say the idea of doing something that makes Khun so obviously unhappy doesn’t bother him.

Khun’s shinsu had churned the entire time. A storm waiting to burst. But Bam was selfish, and he wanted Khun with him. Didn’t want to leave him behind.

“Yes- no,” Khun corrects, with a frown. “It’s not the training itself that bothers me. Thinking I could get by on Lightbearing alone was just foolish. Especially if I’m going to be climbing with you,” he admits, ever practical even with—maybe especially with—his inner turmoil. “It’s just- him.”

Khun sighs effusively as he gestures with his hand as if the mere idea of dealing with Eduan exhausts him.

Bam finally moves to sit next to Khun, satisfied that Khun isn’t upset with him. Just the situation.

“I’m sorry,” Bam says anyway.

Khun just side-eyes him, as he sits up. “It’s not like it’s your fault.”

Bam feels like that might be debatable but he doesn’t argue. About that anyway. “But you don’t like it,” he states.

“No,” Khun admits, letting out a slow breath. “I don’t. But I’ve done plenty of things I don’t like.”

Bam frowns. He doesn’t like the sound of that. Like Khun is used to being miserable; even though Bam knows that happiness is a fleeting thing in the Tower. Hard to grasp and even harder to hold onto.

Not for the first time Bam wonders how Khun grew up. Bam has only learned bits and pieces so far. He wants to know more, but more than that he wants Khun to tell him on his own terms.

“I’ll get over it,” Khun continues with a furrow in his brow that means he very likely won’t before he smooths out his expression. “It’s not like I would be able to avoid him forever. And his Data version seems marginally better at least.”

“I don’t want you to have to do things that make you unhappy,” Bam says with a frown. He doesn’t want Khun to have to give up things for him.

Khun grasps Bam’s shoulders as he meets his eyes.

“Bam, I’m happy with you,” Khun declares simply.

Like it’s a fact of life. If Bam is there Khun will be happy.

Bam dives into Khun’s chest, clinging like the greedy creature he knows he is. Khun returns the embrace.

Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.

And then Khun groans emphatically into Bam’s shoulder.

“Bam, what is your soul doing now?” He asks exasperatedly.

“Its doing something?” Bam repeats in confusion, pulling back.

He’s always somewhat aware of the piece of him in Khun—it’s him after all, enough so that he could influence it if he really wanted to—but he can’t always be aware of its every move. That’s just asking for a headache. And also just really impractical when he’s trying to fight.

Right now his piece of soul feels… curious? Or maybe confused. Not much Bam can parse out from that.

“What’s it doing?”

Khun just sighs. “It’s poking at my heart. It’s been doing it on and off ever since I got stabbed.”

Well now Bam is really puzzled. “But… why?”

Khun gives him a dry look. “That’s what I’m asking you.”

“Maybe it’s just checking to make sure you’re alright after earlier?” Bam throws out.

“It knows I’m alright, it’s in my body,” Khun stresses with an eye roll, sounding unimpressed. “And I was stabbed in the side, not the heart.”

Bam can’t argue with either point. “Maybe something’s different then?” He offers somewhat dubiously.

“Like what?” Khun asks, exasperated. And then makes a face. “Kisiea better not have tried to poison me or something.” He sounds more annoyed at the possibility than concerned.

“That was an option?” Bam asks, feeling dazed at all the possible things that could be wrong.

Khun snorts. “Unless it’s a very slow acting poison? Unlikely,” he concludes

“You feel fine though?” Bam frets.

Khun frowns thoughtfully. “As far as I can tell. And if something is wrong there’s not really anyone around that could help. We might just have to wait until we leave the Hidden Floor and find someone.”

Bam does not like that. He does like that at all.

“Maybe when we get Icarus back?” He asks hopefully. She was the one to heal Khun after all.

Khun shakes his head, frowning pensively. “We accepted her help because it was an emergency but I don’t trust her. There’s something off about her.”

Bam isn’t entirely convinced by that logic. Khun is paranoid and distrustful at the best of times, sometimes to his own detriment.

“Besides,” Khun continues, “for all we know she’s the one that did something.”

That convinces Bam.

“Okay,” Bam agrees. “But you’ll let me know immediately if anything changes?”

“You’ll probably know the second I do anyway,” Khun says dryly, tapping a finger above his heart.

Bam smiles sheepishly at that because yeah, actually. He’d nearly forgotten.

Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.

Bam lays his head on Khun’s shoulder, hearing Khun’s heart skip a beat the way it only does when Bam does something. Bam presses a kiss to Khun’s cheek just to feel it again.

Khun is always so consistent in his feelings.

“Bam,” Khun complains halfheartedly, a light flush on his cheek Bam is immediately enraptured by.

Still, “You don’t want me to?” Bam asks curiously, resting their foreheads together.

Khun grimaces. “Not when my father’s here.”

Ah, yeah, Bam can see how that might be a little awkward.

Bam hums thoughtfully though. “Your father isn’t here now though,” he says, cupping Khun’s cheek, staring into deep cobalt blue. “It’s only us.”

“Bam,” Khun says, sounding oddly breathless, which Bam has learned to take as a good sign in these situations. His heart is starting to pound too. Khun’s eyebrows are pinched but the look in his eyes is all helpless desire.

Bam has always known he wanted Khun with him in whatever way possible. He hadn’t realized kissing had been an option until Khun had done it though. Unsurprisingly Khun always had the best ideas.

“Can I?” Bam asks softly, rubbing Khun’s silky cheek with his thumb. It must be all those moisturizers Khun uses in the morning that makes his skin so soft and smooth.

If Khun says no now Bam will leave it and move onto something else. Like cuddling! That’s always nice.

And Bam never wants to make Khun uncomfortable. Never wants to scare him away.

Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.

Khun doesn’t answer with words. Instead Bam is pushed back onto the bed as Khun kisses him. Bam purrs under the onslaught of Khun’s affection.

Yes, this is good.

Not for the first time Bam wishes Khun could feel how much Bam loves him.

As soon as the thought crosses his mind Khun gasps, pulling back. “Bam,” he says again.

Bam loves how Khun says his name. Like it could convey every possible thing he needs to say.

Bam is confused though. “Khun? Why did you stop?”

Khun’s eyes are closed as gives a short laugh, like he’s too overwhelmed to look at Bam right now. “You can’t fill me up with feelings and not expect me to react,” he says, voice slightly choked up as he looks down at Bam.

Bam blinks. And blinks again. “Wait, you could feel that?”

Khun sits up, tilting his head and oh- that’s his speculating face. His brilliant mind working overtime to put things together, mouth pulled into a soft frown as he thinks, eyes distant.

… Bam wants to kiss him until all Khun’s focus is on him again. He bites back the urge only because he doesn’t want to interrupt Khun’s thought process. And he’s curious to know what Khun is figuring out.

“You didn’t know we could share emotions?” Khun asks, like he’s double checking something.

“No?” Bam says. “I mean, I’m kind of always aware of yours since I can feel your heartbeat. And if you feel something really strongly I can also feel it in your Shinsu…” Bam trails off thoughtfully.

Khun doesn’t seem surprised by that. “You didn’t mean to send me those emotions then?” He checks.

“I didn’t know I could,” Bam says, feeling a bit overwhelmed by this new knowledge. “But I was just thinking that I wanted you to know how much I love you.”

Khun’s eyes widen before his whole face softens. Something about the open affection on Khun’s face, plain to see, makes Bam feel like he’s coming apart.

Maybe things like Bam simply weren’t made to handle love.

He wonders if Rachel had once looked at him with even half as much affection. He thinks so—would like to believe so. But the truth is he doesn’t know anymore. Maybe he’d only ever seen what he’d wanted to see.

But here, in this moment, even if a hundred years should pass Bam will be able to confidently say Khun Aguero Agnis loved him.

“Then it seems like I only feel what you want me to,” Khun says thoughtfully, eyes still achingly gentle as cups Bam’s cheek with his palm. “For now,” he adds, something wicked in the curve of his smile.

“Um,” Bam says, wide-eyed, feeling oddly hunted.

Khun just pats his cheek, smirking. It’s not terribly reassuring. But at least Khun is back to his normal self?

Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.

Bam hums happily as he hugs Khun, sneaking tendrils over him.

Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.

“Bam!” Khun complains. “At least let me lie down! I’m not going to stand for however long you want to do this.”

Oh! Then they could cuddle on the bed! Khun is probably tired from training too. Bam approves of this plan, letting Khun shuffle them over to the bed and situate them on it. It ends with them on their sides, facing each other.

“Are you sure you’re not part octopus?” Khun asks teasingly, tugging at a tendril splayed over his thigh.

Bam considers for a moment. “Err… probably not?” He says uncertainly.

Khun bursts out laughing, Bam staring at him in bewilderment. Oh, but actually-

“Hey Khun? Are humans plants?”

Khun seems to have been startled out of his laughter by the question. “Biologically? No.” His eyebrows pull together like he’s trying to puzzle out a particular difficult plan. “Why? What brought that on?”

“You need to feed and water both right?” Bam asks, like he doesn’t know better by now. Like he didn’t ask just because Khun is here to ask now. “And they both like sunlight.” 

“Well, if you think of it that way…” Khun drawls dryly, smirking.

“Now you’re just making fun of me,” Bam complains, trying—and likely failing—to hold back his smile.

“Never,” Khun promises with a tiny grin that strikes Bam with how open it is.

“As long as you promise,” Bam says solemnly before they both fall into each other laughing.

Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.

Ah, Bam’s really glad he gets to keep Khun.

Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.

Bam is awoken by movement under him.

“Bam,” Khun complains in that half fond way of his he never uses with anyone else. “I need to get up.”

Bam considers that for a generous five seconds before he groans in protest and wraps more tendrils around Khun. Satisfied Bam closes all his eyes again.

“Bam!” Khun hisses like a cat, squirming to try and get away.

There’s a shift in the shadows, something not Bam’s doing, before Bam is dumped unceremoniously onto the bed next to Khun. Huh. He didn’t know Khun could do that now.

He blinks beseechingly up at him, crooning sadly. Why have you abandoned me? Left me out in the cold? Scorned my affection-?

Khun rolls his eyes. “I’m literally just going to the bathroom.”

Bam puddles even more pitifully over the bedspread. Khun is utterly unsympathetic to his plight.

“I’ll be back,” he tells Bam simply before taking away the sight of him in a loose t-shirt by walking out the door.

Bam waits, staring at the door, willing Khun to come back quickly.

Khun does eventually, looking even more annoyed than when he left even as Bam perks up at the sight of him.

“Stop that,” Khun snaps. “I could literally feel your longing across the hall.”

Well, yes. That had been the point. Bam blinks at him unapologetically.

“You’re lucky I love you,” Khun mutters crankily as he slips back under the covers, Bam eagerly crawling over him again.

Khun looks helplessly fond despite himself.

Yes, Bam is very lucky Khun loves him.

Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.

They’re having a perfectly normal break when Khun brings up, out of nowhere, “Could you store things inside you?”

“Uhhh,” Bam says, eyes darting to Endorsi who is sunbathing a bit away and Rak who has apparently decided to hold off on eating rocks in favor of punching them.

The Data Version of Eduan is still floating in the sky waiting to resume Bam’s training, staring into the  distance as he tends to do. Maybe keeping an eye out for Jahad, maybe thinking about his next bottle of wine. Bam couldn’t really say for sure.

“It’s fine,” Khun says, waving away Bam’s concern. Bam isn’t quite so confident but… maybe it’s time anyway. He can’t keep it hidden forever after all. “They’re not listening. More importantly, could you? And I don’t mean like souls. I mean physical objects.”

Bam is truly struggling to follow Khun’s train of thought. “… How would I even do that?” He wonders.

Khun gestures with his hand. “Remember when you tried to eat chocolate?”

Bam probably remembers it a bit differently than Khun does. “Yeah?”

“The first try the chocolate just sat in your body right?” Khun says, gestures getting bigger as he gets more invested. Bam nods. “If you shifted then would the chocolate still be there when you shifted back? Or would it just blink out of existence?”

“I… don’t know…?” Bam says, as is normally the case when it comes to himself.

The idea of shifting with something inside him sounds uncomfortable to Bam.

“Do you want me to try?” Bam asks a bit cautiously.

Khun makes a face and surprisingly doesn’t seem very enthused by the idea despite his previous curiosity. “Not if it might hurt you.”

Bam’s chest warms.

“Can you imagine though?” Khun continues with a devious grin. “You’d be like a living Pocket.”

“No,” Bam shoots down immediately.

“You’re no fun,” Khun says but his eyes glimmer.

Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.

Khun’s shinsu really is pretty.

“Come on,” Khun says as he guides Bam out onto the impromptu ice rink, their hands clasped together as they face each other. “You can do it.”

“You know we have training we still need to do right?” Eduan calls down to them.

“In a minute!” Khun yells back. “We’re on break!”

“Who decided that…?” Eduan wonders aloud. Certainly wasn’t me, he seems to mean.

Khun ignores him and Bam has to bite back the smile that wants to form.

“Do you think if I get hurt falling I’ll just know how to ice skate?” Bam asks, staring at the ice thoughtfully, morbidly curious now. His footing feels awfully shaky. “Or maybe I’ll learn how to use ice shinsu instead.”

Bam has never been on ice before.

Khun rolls his eyes. He never looks behind, eyes always on Bam, so confident in his own skills and footing even as Bam feels like a newborn struggling to walk for the first time.

He can hear Rak yelling something from some distance away. Something about turtles? And leaving him out…?

“Unfortunately for you, whether you can or not, you’re learning how to do this the old fashioned way,” Khun informs him drily.

Bam huffs out a laugh at that. “Will you catch me then? If I fall?”

Khun shoots him a look like Bam shouldn’t even need to ask. “Always.”

Bam doesn’t even need to breathe and he feels like the air got knocked out of him with that. He really loves Khun.

“Just follow my lead,” Khun continues confidently as they slide to a stop.

He’s in his element, literally. Khun looks entirely too beautiful with a backdrop of snow and ice. This must be how Hockney feels when he wants to paint something.

Khun’s hands are cold, his cheeks pink, and the breath leaving his mouth clouds the air. Bam’s body exhibits none of these symptoms.

“Always,” Bam echoes, gripping Khun’s hands tighter.

Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.

Not even Khun’s quick grin distracts from how his heart pounds because of Bam.

Bam wakes up on the Hell Train, eventually managing to detangle himself from Yuri’s hug which feels like a battle of its own.

“Where are the others…?” Bam asks as people start to crowd around his bed. “Are they all safe?”

It’s a bit strange Khun wasn’t at his bedside when he woke but he might just be busy with something else.

It’s quiet, Bam thinks absently- and freezes, realizing what else is missing.

He can’t hear Khun’s heartbeat.

But- no- that can’t be right- if Khun were dead then Bam-

“Where’s Khun?” He asks more urgently.

No one seems to want to answer.

“Well…” Boro says at last.

Khun isn’t dead.

That’s the good news.

His heart just… isn’t beating. Because it’s frozen. Something Khun probably did to himself as a last ditch effort to stay alive. And if Khun is taken out of that state he probably will actually die.

(His heart. His heart. Bam wants to go back in time and smack himself. Maybe Khun too for brushing it off. But even then he isn’t sure knowing would have let them do anything about it short of ripping out Khun’s heart. Which would defeat the purpose.)

Khun isn’t dead.

He just might not ever wake up again, or smile at Bam, or yell at Rak, or make cunning, underhanded plans, or-

Bam takes a deep breath in and out, like Khun had taught him.

Khun isn’t dead. He’s just out of Bam’s reach.

And it’s Bam’s own fault. Well, his and Rachel’s.

He thinks if Khun was dead, if he didn’t have that tiny hope of being able to wake him up someday, he would have killed Rachel.

It wouldn’t have made Bam happy, or any less miserable, but it would have been penance maybe. Revenge. Killing her probably would have made Khun happy. Ah, but Khun had never liked seeing Bam sad so maybe not.

Still, it’s a kind of freedom to leave her behind. Before now Rachel had always been the one to draw the line between them. She laid down the rules, Bam listened. Bam stepped over the line- and Rachel pushed him away.

Now, for the first time, Bam has been the one to draw a line between them.

It doesn’t make up for the hollow aching in Bam’s chest. He’d only had a heart for just a short while, only long enough to get used to it, just to lose it so soon. How is that fair?

“Khun…” Bam says, just to hear his name again, tracing features that might not ever move again. It’s Khun’s face, but lacking all the life that had made Khun shine.

“I love you,” Bam whispers.

Khun doesn’t answer.