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The devil within

Summary:

The duo reunites to fight Lovecraft but they realise how much they've needed eachother in their time apart. Chuuya is there for Dazai. Dazai pretends to be better now in the ada.
Chuuya struggles too, dazai tries to be there for him.

I'm planning on making this long so don't mind the few chapters, there'll be more

Chapter 1: Reunited

Chapter Text

"The enemy has already been destroyed, rest Chuuya"
Chuuya falls to his knees, as Dazai's touch makes him regain consciousness back as his whole body aches and all he can grunt out is "Asshole, you were supposed to wake me as soon as it was over... you're carrying me back".

"Sure thing, partner" He smiles as he then proceeds to make an exit without his ginger counterpart, leaving him passed out and vulnerable in enemy territory.

 

-

The next day Dazai doesn't feel like getting out of bed to go to the Ada office, so he simply doesn't. Finding himself in a rather uncomfortable situation, according to his standards. For the first time in a while Dazai felt something different from his normal dullness, something strange that he couldn't quite put his finger on, but it almost felt like.. longing. But no that couldn't be it. Infact Dazai simply wouldn't ´let himself´ feel such an emotion, it was too human - something he still didn't believe himself to be. 

So he simply stayed home all day, thinking of a new way to annoy Kunikida but eventually falling into deep thought about the port mafia and his past with Chuuya, but mostly the mafia. The horrible things Mori would make him do, the way he felt or more precisely, didn't feel. God he was relieved to not be there anymore, he just couldn't after Oda's death - he had to get away, to be better, to do better... not that he had succeeded much. On the inside he still feels like the title of demon prodigy hangs over him and will for the rest of his life. That's why he thinks he doesn't deserve anything good, because no amount of good deeds he does could ever outnumber the tragedies he has caused, and that's just a truth he has learned to live with, as much as he wishes he didn't.

-

Chuuya had the next day off considering his body had to recover from having used corruption, even though he had a god in him, it didn't stop his physical body from getting absolutely wrecked from corruption, sore all over with a headache and nausea, like a hangover but at least a hundred times worse. 

He struggles to sit up in his bed but eventually succeeds and is able to take a sip of the day old water on his nightstand and picking up his phone, knowing he would not be able to go back to sleep and just decides to check his notifications with no new ones since he last checked. With a sigh the redhead puts his phone back down and picks up the water, quickly chugging it to try to mend his seemingly neverending headache. 

This day is going to be nothing more than a pain to get through for Chuuya. He's used to getting hurt when carrying out missions, but he hasn't used corruption in 4 years due to the disappearance of his ex-partner, the one person who could actually stop it. With another sigh, he gets up, not used to being in such pain for years doesn't exactly help with the feeling. He grabs the empty glass and goes to the kitchen to fill it up with actual cold water, not room temperature like what was in it overnight, and takes two painkillers from the kitchen cabinet as well, swallowing them quickly to try and avoid the gross bitter taste on his tongue.

Chuuya considers heating up some leftover soup, but decides that he simply couldn't be bothered, with the nausea and everything he knows that consuming anything other than water would not go well, so instead he goes to the living room and grabs a neatly folded blanket from the side of the couch and unravels it to go sit on the couch with said blanket around him. The redhead reaches for the remote and turns on the TV on some random news channel. He tried to pay attention, but instead ends up just falling into thought. Dazai. That name keeps coming back as much as he doesn't want it to.

Why?

Why can he not stop thinking about the previous day? Anger. That must be it. He is feeling frustrated that after all these years apart, they just happened to have to work together. Not a single word did Dazai mutter to Chuuya before it became a work necessity. Did Chuuya really matter that little? No. Dazai had always been a tricky bastard, there's no use in trying to figure out how or why with that man. Or that's what Chuuya tries to tell himself. God why does a man that has never done anything but anger him take still take up so much space. He hadn't been thinking much about Dazai the past year, seeing as the chances of his return had gone to 0. So Chuuya had finally stopped trying to figure out why he didn't even bother leaving him a message, a letter, something... anything. 

And now he's right back to where it started, questioning why. 

Chuuya doesn't even realise he's getting riled up with anger until he hears a crack and he looks down to see a half-broken TV remote in his hand. Sighing as he puts is face in his hands, just trying to pull himself together.

Stupid bastard leaving without a word just to show back up when I least expect it.

 He growls and throws the remote into the wall right next to the TV, leaving a dent in the wall and shooting pain in his rib that causes him to snap back to reality. The reality that he's still hurt. Hurt and Dazai left him again just the night before. On the battefield. In enemy territory. 

Not wanting to bother turning off the TV now that the remote is wrecked, Chuuya lets out another sigh as he stand up, blanket still wrapped around him and goes back to his bedroom, immediately passing out as soon as he hits the bed from just pure physical and now also mental exhaustion.

 

 

Chapter 2: We meet again

Summary:

Chuuya has to go to the ADA to do paperwork because for some reason they couldn't just mail it to him

Chapter Text

 

Chuuya woke up expecting a normal boring workday doing paperwork at his desk, but for some reason he finds himself heading toward the Armed Detective Agency's headquarters. That reason being that Mori and the president of the agency have decided on Chuuya's behalf that he would spend the day at the agency instead of in his own office for a reason unknown to him. Apparently it was fine to just change his schedule to their will without considering how he might or might not feel about it.

He parks his motorcycle on the street right across the agency building and starts heading towards the entrance, but when he reaches the door instead of going in right away he pulls out a ciggarette, not so much for the sake of smoking it, just to stall. Although after a few minutes he's done with it and flicks the ciggarette butt on the ground and turns around to open the door, but right when he does, a blonde freckled teenage boy opens it from the inside and stares up at Chuuya for a solid 5 seconds without saying a word. Only speaking up after having analysed the older

"You must be Mr. Nakahara, Mr. Dazai said we should expect you about now so I went to see because he said it was your motorcycle on the other side of the street!"

Of course that bastard would know

"Yeah it's mine, is your office up there?" he asks already knowing the answer, just trying to act polite to the kid that came out of seemingly nowhere just to greet him.

 

The boy shows him up the stairs and opens the agency door and holding it, signaling for Chuuya to go in first - and so he does. Pausing after taking a few steps inside and just taking in his surroundings, the Armed Detective Agency's office where he had to spend the day. Eyes, so many eyes staring at him to see what the port mafia executive will be doing in their office (not like they didn't know he was coming).

Just then, a familiar looking white haired man steps in front of him, Fukuzawa, he has seen him before only in photographs but nevertheless he recognises the tall man as the agency's president.

"Welcome Nakahara, thank you for coming here on such short notice. I have arranged with Mori for you to work together with us on the report regarding your latest job, the one assigned to you and Dazai. I believe that this way would be most efficient for both the agency and the port mafia, having a joint report of the incident with our shared enemy, and Dr. Mori agreed with me on this"

Working together? That would mean Dazai doing an actual report, no way... Has he really changed that much?

Chuuya responds as profesionally as he can while trying not to wonder if this is really gonna work out. How could it? No way he and Dazai could work together on something as boring as paperwork. He gets assigned a desk and a laptop with a blank incident report already open, ready for him to start writing. But one thing feels strange, because why is the partner he's supposed to be working with not here? Did the boy from before not say that Dazai had just told him something about the motorcycle?

And as if it couldn't be timed worse, he hears the door open and his head swings that way out of instinct and of course standing there is the lanky brown haired man with a smug look on his face, God this day better be over quick.

Dazai makes his way over to the chair right beside Chuuya. Of course he had to be sat right next to him, they're working together after all. "Hey" is all Chuuya is able to mutter before directing his focus back to the report he just started, writing a few more words. But he wasn't able to focus for very long because in the corner of his eye, all he can see is Dazai just staring at him with his chin resting on his palm, as if he was waiting for Chuuya to initiate a conversation or something.

The redhead turns to look at Dazai.

"What? Are you just gonna sit there staring at me the whole day or what?" he scoffs 

To that the brunette finally took it upon himself to give a verbal answer.

"Well it's much more fun to watch chibi do the work for the both of us of course!! and did chibi not-" "OW" 

Dazai's rambling got cut short by Kunikida smacking his head with a book and he then going on about how paperwork is important and that Dazai needs to stop slacking off and actually do the work he's assigned for once and then lastly he gets scolded for annoying a port mafia executive, which Chuuya has to admit, he finds it a bit funny. 

Chuuya was just taken aback by how little Dazai had changed, a little annoyed at the fact that the brunette is already assuming that Chuuya will be doing all the work for them, but at the same time he's feeling almost nostalgic by the interaction, not that he will ever admit that though.

The day goes by and Chuuya is finalising his report while Dazai has written no more than half a page, which is actually almost impressive considering he spent the whole day trying to annoy and anger Chuuya instead of actually doing anything serious, but then again, that's just the way he is, not that that makes it any less annoying. Chuuya has really had to hold himself together the whole day, not reacting too much to Dazai's comments and gestures, mostly just trying to connect this man to the same one he fought with, that left him unconscious just two days prior.

Chuuya finishes the report, hits print and finally closes the borrowed laptop. Looking for the sound of printing, he quickly locates the printer and goes to pick up the two copies, going to the president's office to hand him one of them, also thanking him for his hospitality, which Fukuzawa returns by thanking him once again for coming on short notice and thanking the redhead for his dedicated work and wishing him a pleasant trip back home.

The redhead exits the office and folds the other copy up and puts it in his inner pocket to give to Mori later either that same day or tomorrow, probably the latter. 

Before he leaves he gives everyone in the office a quick bow and a thank you for having him there, just as a gesture to show them that there's no hostility towards them from the port mafia anymore, incase anyone was still unsure. He then makes his exit and on his way down the stairs he hears silent footsteps following him, "what do you want?" he says as he turns around and to his surprise he's now standing face to face with Dazai, staring into his brown eyes that you could finally see both of since he got rid of that ugly bandage around his head.

"My my Chuuya is so grumpy today isn't he"

"Shut up, it's not like a have any reason to be nice to you, after all you were the one who left and became a traitor. And you said you would take me back home after our fight against Lovecraft, I don't even know why I would ever believe anything you say. How do you think it feels to wake up in the middle of the night on a cold grass field with every single bone in your body aching?" Chuuya exlaimed and for a split second he could see something shift in Dazai's face, it almost looked like... guilt?

"Well Chibi is just fine anyways so clearly he didn't need to be carried home like a princess now did he?"

Chuuya sighs, disappointed in himself to have even brought it up as he ever could have gotten anything out of it.

"Whatever, I'm leaving" the redhead says with a sigh while turning around and going the rest of the way down the stairs and going out the door to finally get the hell out of there. To his surprise Dazai had no quick wit or anything more stupid to say to him, so he went to his motorcycle and drove off, way over the speed limit but why should he care?

 

 

Dazai is left standing on the stairwell feeling that same feeling he did the day before, but stronger. He absolutely hates feeling any kind of human emotion that isn't just the sadness he's so accustomed to. He makes his way back up the stairs and enters the office just to grab his trench coat from his chair and leave without saying a word, only to head back to his dormitory. Upon arriving back home and locking his door, he makes his way to the bathroom where he closes the door and immediately sinks down to the floor, head down in his knees, feeling just awful after what the redhead said. He left him, that's true. He left Chuuya. He hurt Chuuya? As much as he keeps trying to convince himself that he doesn't care, it's just not working. The only other person he has ever really liked was Oda, his best and only friend, so the thought of caring about someone was something that Dazai didn't want to associate himself with. 

Then again, it isn't exactly up to him whether or not he cares about someone, because as much as he doesn't believe it, he really is just human and if his brain is feeling something that he doesn't like, well then there's simply nothing he can do about that, which might actually be what frustrates him the most.

Caring? Does he really Care about Chuuya? God he hadn't felt like this since Oda. He really did care about the redhead after all, but why? after 4 whole years apart he shouldn't still be even thinking about that, but he is.

 

 

 

 

Chapter 3: After all this time; it can only be fate

Notes:

(almost) Suicide attempt warning! Please don't read this chapter if this is something that will trigger you <3 please take good care of yourselves and come back to this another time if it's not something you're comfortable with reading right now.

Chapter Text

 

A few days had passed by without anything crazy happening and no more surprise reunions. Or so they thought?

 

Dazai has been having all sorts of bad feelings ever since that day Chuuya came to the agency. Guilt being the main one. But also regret. He tries so hard to act like the past is behind him and his mafia days are long forgotten, but he never got around to actually try forgiving himself for those things. Things he thought could never be forgiven.

 

It's saturday, which means that Dazai actually has a day off. A day off where he can do nothing more than to be tormented by his own damn mind. Once again the urges are coming back to him, the urges to break free from the shackles of this world... Of this life.

Dazai finds himself wandering the crowded streets. Having gone out without saying a word about it to anyone. Usually it's quiet at night, but it is saturday after all, people are out drinking and having fun. Fun, huh?  Dazai on the other hand is on his way to a more quiet place where he's planning his newest suicide attempt, but this one will really be the one, he's sure of it.

The noises of cars and people slowly dies down as he walks alongside a nearly empty road, where only every once in a while a car will pass by, but they're too busy to pay any attention to him, so he can easily go unnoticed.

At one point the road he's following goes over a bridge, one that's quite high up. High enough to surely end anyone's life who dared to jump. 

The road has gone completely quiet, which only makes sense because it's getting late into the night, so Dazai is sure he won't be interrupted. The railing on the bridge is awfully low, even a child could crawl over it if they tried, but to be fair, it's not meant for pedestrians at all, in fact there has been no sidewalk ever since he left the city centre, so the whole thing is just designed for cars, who of course just go to the bridge to drive over it, not to do some insane thing like jump off it.

The brunette takes a deep breath of the cold fresh night air and simply stands admiring the view below. Under the bridge is what almost looks like a small valley with trees and big rocks and probably lots of other things that are only visible in the daylight, nevertheless Dazai finds it quite beautiful and that is exactly why he deemed this as the perfect place. 

He sits on the railing with his legs dangling over the deadly but breathtakingly beautiful valley below. He stands up on the little amount of bridge on the other side of the railing and prepares to let himself fall, but just then he hears something in the distance. To small to be a car, it sounded like a motorcycle. Oh well, just someone quickly passing by. Too unbothered to look, he stays in his place.

To Dazai's confusion the motorcycle wheels screeches across the ground behind him and it comes to a complete stop, almost as if it only just decided to stop right when passing him. Only then does he turn his head to look. But only for the mere purpose of finding out what kind of asshole just ruined his perfectly beautiful suicide. And of course it couldn't be anyone other than Chuuya Nakahara.

What the fuck?  Chuuya thought it looked like Dazai. Of course no one else would be stupid enough to be standing on the other side of the railing on a high-ass bridge, so yeah it is infact him. 

Chuuya, who was actually just on his way home from work after a way too long day of overworking himself, but now he finds himself on a bridge in the middle of nowhere, with only him and Dazai. This isn't exactly the reuinion he was planning back when Dazai left the port Mafia. Not that he had been planning anything, but if he did, it sure as fuck wouldn't be this.

The redhead gets off his bike only a few meters away from Dazai and just stands with his arms crossed, staring at the brunette with one eyebrow lifted. "Dazai what the fuck are you doing here? it's the middle of the night"

He doesn't answer immediately, he just stands there and pretends to look at the valley when in reality he is falling into a miserable train of thought and the feeling of emptiness and loneliness hitting him like a truck. "Chuuya shouldn't be here" he replies in a glum tone, not daring to look anywhere other than straight ahead.

"Yeah that's one thing you're right about." He says impatiently, clearly waiting for some kind of explanation. He's only becoming more worried than anything else, especially considering the fact that Dazai hasn't made a single stupid comment or expression, he just seems... off. Something he hasn't missed at all from their days together. He has heard that tone before. "Dazai" He says maybe a little too harshly. However it makes the brunette turn his head to actually look at him. Chuuya feels as if he has just seen a corpse. There's not a single hint of light in Dazai's eyes, just like back then. But Chuuya had thought that Dazai was at least doing better now that he's with the agency, but maybe he was wrong.

"Don't try to stop me, I've already decided. Chuuya should just go home" he says in the same monotone voice, followed by a whisper, just loud enough for Chuuya to hear. "I deserve this after all" with that, he turns his eyes back to the depths of darkness under him and slowly lets go of the railing, letting himself fall.

"DAZAI" Chuuya screams as he sprints faster than he has ever done before in his life and grabs the railing with one hand and Dazai's arm with his other, quickly pulling the brunette towards himself,  grabbing his other arm and as soon as he got Dazai close enough, he properly grabs him and pulls him all the way back over the railing, and drops him on the ground as he himself also falls to his knees right next to him.

"Are you insane! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" he says, trying to catch his breath. "What happened?" he whispers

Dazai doesn't reply, he just lays there for a minute, looking lifeless. He then sits up slowly only to put his head down to his knees and hug them tight, curling up into a ball. He shakes his head.

He looks so small. So fragile.

Chuuya knows that he won't be able to get anything out of Dazai when he's like this, he couldn't back then and he certainly can'tt right now either. There's no point in staying. They're in the middle of a road after all, not really an ideal place to try figuring out what's actually troubling him.

So Chuuya decides there's only one thing he can do do.

With a sigh he stands up and grabs Dazai's arm, tugging at it to try and get him up too. "Come on, we're going home" to that, Dazai slowly raised his head "home?" he looked up at Chuuya with a very confused expression, clearly still very out of it, so Chuuya decides to take full charge as he isn't planning on spending the entire night here on the road, so he pulls dazai up and drags him to the motorcycle, getting on first and just sitting for a minute, waiting for Dazai to do the same "sit." he commands and the brunette almost looks like he just snapped out of a trance, still without a word, he goes to sit down on the motorcycle right behind the redhead, who is already placing Dazai's arms around him "hold on to me. Do not let go, okay? I'll drive now", and so he did.

All the way back home, to HIS, CHUUYA's apartment... With Dazai.

Sure as hell not what he had expected from his late night drive home from work.

Chapter 4: Chuuya's place?

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

 

Upon returning home to his apartment, Chuuya has made the couch ready for Dazai to sleep on with a pillow and blanket meanwhile Dazai is just standing there, staring at literally nothing, seemingly lost in thought with a confused and conflicted look on his face. Weird. Dazai never showed his emotions so openly, something must really be bothering him, but then again he was trying to jump from a bridge when Chuuya found him, so obviously there would be something wrong.

"Do you want a change of clothes or are you just sleeping in your gross ones?"

This made Dazai snap back to reality "Chuuya is so mean, just assuming that I'm filthy like that" He replies in a calm voice.

"So you CAN speak. Good... So do you want a change of clothes or not?" 

"What makes Chuuya think I'll be sleeping in this place?"

"Excuse me?! What makes you think you have a choice, you bastard? I JUST drove you all the way here anyway so you're staying." He says sternly, not wanting to say outright that he's actually just very worried about leaving Dazai alone after what had just happened. At the same time he's annoyed at himself for going out of his way for Dazai of all people, considering how much the bastard definitely wouldn't do the same for him AND the fact that they hadn't spoken for years until earlier that same week. 

"hm. If Chuuya insists I suppose there's nothing I can say" He says with a smile so fake it's almost sickening. 

"Good" Is all Chuuya can bring himself to say as he observes the brunette, watching his every move. The way he doesn't just lay down even though he's obviously exhausted. The way he tries to fake a neutral face but Chuuya sees through it in an instant. He has seen it too many times to not be able to spot the difference, as much as Dazai hated it, Chuuya, apart from Mori, was the only one who could see through him, which as scary has he feels it is, it almost brings him a sense security, like maybe he doesn't have to be in fight or flight when he's just around Chuuya, it's not like they're complete strangers after all.

"Is Chuuya not going to sleep? He can't stare at me all night as much as the chibi probably wants to" He says in his usual annoying tone.

"Shut up idiot, I'm just making sure you don't do anything stupid, just lay down and rest okay? because I AM going to bed now. Don't wake me up or I will actually punch you"

"Hmph so violent, the chibi hasn't changed at all" to that, Chuuya just rolls his eyes and sighs. I could say the same to you.

Chuuya finally goes to bed, leaving the bedroom door cracked just so he could hear if something happens or Dazai did something stupid. Too tired to be angry or say antyhing more, Chuuya falls asleep as soon as he hits the bed, exhaustion taking over once again, not like it ever leaves considering how much he overworks himself. But what good is he if he doesn't?

 

Notes:

Sry for the short chapter, I just didn't have much motivation today, but I wanted to post. There will be a longer one out tomorrow with lots of angsty feelings and the actual comfort part of the hurt/comfort lol.

Okay also guys, does anyone know if brunet and brunette are just the masculine and feminine terms for the same word or? Cuz I completely forgot that brunet was even a word so I've been using brunette this entire time, uhmmm yeah idk...

If anyone has an idea for a future chapter, please leave it in the comments, cuz I don't really have an actual plot for this yet lol.

Chapter 5: The mackerel and the slug

Chapter Text

 

The next morning, Chuuya is the first of the two to wake up. He sits up in bed, taking a moment to recollect the memories of what had happened the night before. For fucks sake. He can never just have a single day to himself, something crazy always has to happen, usually at work though.

He gets out of bed, not bothering to change out of his pajamas considering he's going to be home the entire day. The redhead pushes open his bedroom door as quietly as he can manage and makes his way to the living room just to check up on Dazai, for no particular reason of course, maybe he's really just worried about the brunet, but isn't he allowed to be?

To Chuuya's relief, Dazai was still sound asleep on his couch, although somehow he had managed to push the pillow on the floor and use his arm as a pillow instead, he shakes his head at the sight and continues walking, getting to the kitchen to make his usual black coffee to properly wake him up.

 The sound of the coffee machine seems to wake Dazai up, Chuuya can hear the rustling from the couch and turns around to see a tired Dazai, still in his clothes from the day before and with dark brown hair going in all directions. "Ah, goodmorning Chibi! It's not very nice to make noise when someone is sleeping you know? Even if it's with a fancy machine like that" he grins and his tone is just the way it used to be, as annoying as fucking possible.

"Shut up! You slept for like 10 hours already, and it's not like it's a crime to use MY coffee machine in MY own apartment? If you're that bothered, sleep somewhere else next time" He says, taking the finished cup of coffee, taking a sip from it, burning his tongue in the process. "Ow, fuck" he puts the cup down on the counter and decides to wait just a little while before attempting to drink it again, earning a small laugh from the brunet.

Rolling his eyes, the redhead goes to stand at the end of the kitchen counter, leaning against it with crossed arms while facing Dazai, who still hasn't gotten up from the couch, he just sits looking at Chuuya with his big brown eyes, waiting for him to say whatever it is he's hesitating with.

"So.. mind telling me what the fuck yesterday was all about?" 

It takes Dazai a second before he speaks up 

"Ah, that? Well that's nothing for Chuuya to worry about, I'm all better now, see?" That stupidly happy expression, ugh. And sure, he definitely seemed to be in a better mindset than the day before, but that just doesn't answer Chuuya's question, so he's still determined.

Narrowing his eyes and trying his hardest to not just sigh and roll his eyes at that painfully vague non-answer, Chuuya tries one more time "Osamu I'm serious. Tell me what happpened. Why were you trying to jump off a damn bridge? Please, you can talk to me you know." His expression softened, trying to be as non-hostile as possible to hopefully get some kind of actual answer out of the brunet.

Dazai flinches slightly at the sound of his first name being spoken, eyes widening for just a second before he looks to the side with an empty, unreadable expression. ""You shouldn't worry about me, I'm just fine on my own, besides it's not like I don't deserve it."

This makes Chuuya's expression turn into one of pure worry "What do you mean 'deserve'? You know lots of people care about you, right?" I guess I'm one of them. "No one should have to experience some of the things you've gone through, it doesn't make you 'deserve' anything like that, so please just talk to me, walk me through what happened yesterday before the bridge, and don't give me some bullshit answer like that again." He grabs his coffee and makes his way over to the couch with Dazai, sitting himself by the other armrest.

He pretends to not see the way Dazai looked at him in defeat or the way he curled up into a ball once again with his chin on his knees, staring at the wall opposite from them with an exhausted look in his eyes, probably noticing the dent in the wall from when Chuuya threw the remote.

The brunet sighs as he realises Chuuya won't let it go, and he deems that maybe of all people, Chuuya would be the safest person to talk to, considering that he had dealt with him in this state so many times before in their past together, so he decides to speak.

"The thoughts were too much... I- keep remembering the port mafia and Mori. It was just too much, it feels like I can never escape, like even if I try to be better it's never enough, I'll never be good enough, so I deserve to die so people are no longer burdened by all my shit. Kunikida gave me shit for missing work Friday too, he always makes a fuss about it, that's normal but all of it was just too much. I just wanted it all to stop. Everything was too much, you know? So I wanted to escape.."

He barely realised the tears that started forming in his own lifeless eyes as well as in Chuuya's.

Dazai flinches as he feels arms closing in around his shoulders and red hair in front of his face with a soft calming scent of vanilla, probably from the redheads shampoo. He leans in to the scent, letting himself be vulnerable in that moment.

They sit like that for a few minutes in silence until the brunet breaks it. "What was Chuuya doing driving around so late at night anyways?"

"Not that this is about me, but if you must know, I was on my way home from work"

"Why was the chibi working so late on a Saturday? Aren't weekends supposed to be for relaxing at home?" He jokes.

"Yeah well I was called in because they needed my help and I ended up having to stay for 12 fucking hours." He says, raising his head to see Dazai's face. They lock eyes for a moment. "But it's good that I did, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten to you, god Dazai, please call me next time, okay?"

A confused look spread across the brunet's face. Call him? Does Chuuya really give a shit about him after all he did?

"I don't wanna bother you with that..." 

"Seriously? Dazai as annoying as you are most the time, I'll always prefer for you to call me if you're ever feeling like that instead of me having to wake up one morning and hearing that you're fucking dead. So please, just call me next time. Okay?"

"...Okay"

"Good"

They sat like that in silence for a good 10 minutes, just enjoying eachothers company in a way they both would've thought wasn't possible ever again since Dazai left. 

When they were young Chuuya would often help Dazai out and calm him down after an attempt, so it's a familiar feeling for both of them, nostalgic almost, but of course neither of them would ever admit that.

Chuuya broke the silence "Do you wanna take a shower and have something to eat?" 

"Yeah, that would be nice"

Chuuya gets the shower ready for Dazai and leaves a fresh set of clothes in the bathroom with him along with a towel. He then goes to the kitchen to figure out something to make for the brunet, not that he had many options since he doesn't go grocery shopping very often.

He decides to make a simple curry with rice on the side, seeing as that was the only proper meal he had ingredients for and he knows it's something that Dazai likes.

Dazai comes out of the bathroom after about 30 minutes with freshly washed hair and Chuuya's clothes on, the pants being a bit too short for him to no ones surprise.

"Hey, I'm just about done, take a seat and I'll bring you a plate in a sec, I made curry I know you like that"

The brunet answers with nothing more than a nod as he sits down by the dinner table waiting for the food to be served. His stomach rumbles from the smell of the redhead's cooking, leaving him slightly embarrassed.

Chuuya turns off the stovetops and plates up both of their portions, Dazai's being significantly bigger than his own. 

He goes to the table with the plates and a spoon for each of them and sits down on the chair opposite to where Dazai was sitting, the brunet immediately taking notice to the different portions and gives a quick confused look. He doesn't say anything, he just starts eating the food in front of him, just grateful that the redhead had cooked for him.

They eat in silence and Chuuya glances over at Dazai ever so often, relieved to see him eating well with no complaints. Once they're done thye both just sit in silence for a moment until it's broken by the brunet "who knew dogs could cook such good food ahaha?" this seemed to snap Chuuya out the trance that he had been caught in and he sends the younger a raised eyebrow "yeah whatever, you needed to eat something" he says shaking his head and standing up to get their bowls and take them to the kitchen without bein bothered to actually put them in the dishwasher.

As Chuuya walks back to the table a cloud had moved away from the sun, making it shine the bright morning light through the windows and right into Chuuya's face and for just a split second Dazai thought maybe he had seen an angel.

 

 

Chapter 6: Like a floating petal, or an angry one?

Chapter Text

Eating disorder TW - no numbers or anything but mentions and depictions of the behaviours, please read at your own risk and please skip if this is triggering for you <3 ______________________________ (This is set a week ish after last chapter) Chuuya wakes up, slowly opening his eyes almost being blinded by the sunlight shining through his bedroom window, he groans, turning to the other side in a desperate attempt to get just a bit more sleep before getting up, but unsuccesfully.

In defeat he grabs his phone and looks at the time 9:37 - Usually he would've already been at work by now but today is different, today he has yet another mission with the Agency and of course the bastard, Dazai.

He had been dreading it all week just because he still hasn't quite made his mind up about how he feels about Dazai, not romantically, just a case of whether he should hate the guy or not.

The redhead spends a good 30 minutes in bed just scrolling on his phone opening the various social medias just to see if anything is interesting enough to be worth his attention so he could get his mind off of the day ahead.

Finally he admitted defeat and got out of bed, going straight to the bathroom to pee and step on the scale. He takes off the sweatpants he slept in and steps on the scale hoping for it to be lower than it was yesterday, fuck, it's not. It went UP. Of course it makes sense considered he caved in and ate a late dinner yesterday after work but that doesn't make him feel any better or console him in the slightest, in fact it makes him feel that much worse, like he has failed in life and like he's the worst person in the entire fucking world, if he could even call himself that.

For fucks sake. I just wont eat today, then it'll be back down again by tomorrow. He puts his boxers back on and goes to his closet to put on a random t-shirt to cover his upper body so he doesn't have to actually look at it.

He then makes his way to the kitchen for his usual black coffee, which he drinks while watching an episode of a new show he had started. A few hours pass and he turns up to the place where he's supposed to be meeting with the selected agency members.

He got there just 5 minutes before the arranged time and it seems only Yosano had showed up. He greets her and then stands in silence for a few seconds, looking around before lighting a ciggarette, mostly just to try and get rid of the feeling in his stomach, a bit like it was turning into a black hole, but it's not like he actually has an appetite so he wouldn't quite call it hunger - besides it always felt like this on the day after having eaten too much or just more than usual.

Right on the dot Kunikida shows up with Dazai, Kenji and Atsushi, they greet Chuuya and he says hi back, not having much energy or motivation to make more out of it.

They all make their way towards the spot where they have to watch for guild activity. Kunikida leads the way while Yosano and Kenji talk about something Chuuya doesn't care about listening to while Dazai just walks beside them without saying much other than a stupid remark every once in a while.

The brunet slows down his pace a little until he’s next to Chuuya instead of the others, earning a raised eyebrows from the redhead.

“Is chibi grumpy today? He hasn't said a word since we said hello”

“Shut up” not having the energy for Dazai today, he tries to just ignore him.

“Always so mean” he whines. “Chuuya should learn some better manners” This earns him a kick from redhead that he dodges with a laugh.

“So hot headed, you would almost be scary if you weren’t so small.

“Hey! I'm not that short”

Before either of them could say anything else Kunikida halts his walking “We’re here, now remember to not make a ruckus, we’re trying to avoid having the enemy notice us and I'm expecting you to behave, Dazai”. He says with a glare.

“I apologise for his behaviour Nakahara, we appreciate your cooperation”

“Yeah whatever, it's fine”

Not long after, it seems they didn't quite get to stick to their goal of remaining unnoticed as the two they were watching, Nathaniel and Steinbeck, are suddenly both making their way to them with activated abilities, clearly prepared to fight.

“What's the agency doing watching the guild? And port mafia too apparently” Nathaniel says, eyeing Chuuya”

“Why wouldn't we be watching to see what our enemy is up to?” Kunikida answers, taking his notebook out, preparing to fight, which they do not long after the first interaction.

At the end of the fight the agency and Chuuya stand and they have defeated the two guild members who are both lying unconscious on the ground. Chuuya hasn't been in a serious fight since Lovecraft, and clearly his body wasn't quite ready for it, especially since he also hadn’t eaten that day.

As Kunikida is telling them to retreat, Chuuya starts feeling really weak, swaying a little, his vision going black and not soon after he collapses to the ground earning concerned yells from the surrounding agency members and a surprisingly worried expression from Dazai.

He regains consciousness a minute later, waking up on the cold ground with Yosano’s fingers on his neck, probably keeping track of his pulse, retracting her hand as Chuuya starts to sit back up.

“Woah take it slow Nakahara, we don't want you passing out again” she says in a stern tone. “I'm fine, don't worry” he says, picking himself up from the ground, putting his hat back on as it had fallen off, refusing to grab Yosano’s hand for steadiness, it takes him a few seconds to properly regain balance again while he feels all the agency members’ eyes on him, starting to feel a little embarrassed.

Kunikida speaks up “Do you need anything Nakahara? Water maybe? I can create a bottle with my notebook, you need some fluids. When did you last have anything to drink?”

“Thanks for the concern but I'm fine, no need to do any of that” The redhead answers.

Kunikida then hands him a small candy-looking thing “At least take this, it’s just a glucose tablet, I always keep a few on me since having low blood sugar for too long can be quite harmful to the body” he says in a serious tone. “Let's retreat everyone”

Chuuya doesn't eat the tablet, he just puts it in his pocket as they walk back, the action going unnoticed by everyone except for Dazai who’s now more worried about the redhead than ever.

As the rest of them head to the agency, Chuuya announces that he’ll be going and leaves the group to get home, which he of course couldn't do in peace because Dazai is now following behind him.

Chuuya stops and turns around with narrowed eyes “oi, what are you creeping around for?”

“I need to see what Chuuya is up to of course!”

“I'm going home, that's what I'm up to, you should be more worried about yourself and that creepy mind of yours”

“Chuuya! I'm hurt, how could you say that” he whines with the most dramatic expression on his face.

“Tch, please” he turns back around and continues walking, knowing he can't shake Dazai off considering he might be the most stubborn person in all of Yokohama, maybe even the whole world.

As they pass a restaurant Dazai speaks up once again “Hey I know! We can go in here and have ramen and leave without paying just like we used to!”

“You really haven't grown up at all, huh? But no thanks I'm good, I have plenty of money, why would I need to do that? And it's not my fault if the agency finally started cutting your paycheck for slacking off”

“I see! Then Chuuya will pay! He has lots of money from the executive paycheck”

“No fucking way, I'm not spending my hard earned money on you, if you really think that, you're even more crazy than I first thought”

“Well how else will Chuuya eat then? It's not good to go around passing out like that, you know?” This makes the redhead freeze and stop in his tracks, of course he would notice, of all the fucking people it just had to be him…

He continues walking, at a faster pace than before. “What the fuck does it matter to you? I do eat so get that stupid idea out of your head” he doesn’t seem to realise the red glow radiating from him or how every step he takes seems to break the ground underneath him, at least not until he feels the cool touch of no longer human being activated and washed away his own ability, making him feel relaxed for just a little bit for the first time in quite a while.

“Chuuya..”

“No. Leave me alone Dazai, I don't wanna deal with this shit today, just go”

With that, Chuuya leaves Dazai standing in the street and goes home to try and forget all about that shitshow of a day.

Chapter 7: Mind your own damn business

Notes:

Hi guys!!! I finally wrote a new chapter for you :D
Tbh I didn't quite realise how long it had been since I last updated this until I looked at my inbox and saw comments from way too long ago😭 I'm so sorry I ghosted you guys, I just had a hard time figuring out how to keep writing this cuz I've been trying to figure out my shit.... I know how it feels to have a fanfic you like that just never get updated again and I absolutely would never do that to you so I promise I would never do that even tho there might be a while in between updates sometimes... Anyways I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Chapter Text

Chuuya wakes up the next morning feeling like absolute shit in every way possible. Not only did he barely get any sleep since he was so busy thinking about Dazai's actions the day before and on top of that his whole body is so sore, which would mostly be his own fault since he was the one stupid enough to go on a missing without eating a single thing beforehand.

Usually he would already be up and drinking his coffee by now but the pure exhaustion running through his entire body is preventing him from doing anything other than just lying in bed on his phone.

Several hours later, Chuuya finds himself finally having mustered up enough strength to drag himself out of the bed to go take a shower.

As he enters the bathroom he's met with a horrendous sight which is himself in the mirror. The eyebags and red eyes from barely getting any sleep are really making themselves known, but Chuuya just can't find it in himself to give much of a shit right now so he just takes the shower and moves on with his day.

 

On Dazai's end, things have been conflicting as well, he's currently spending the day coming up with at least a hundred different ways to help Chuuya, completely setting aside his own issues for just one day.

Around evening time Dazai decides that he's going over to Chuuya's place, considering that the redhead may not want to see him at all, but when has he ever cared about that? He sure doesn't right now. As much as Dazai doesn't care about being there for other people, Chuuya might be a bit of a weak spot for him, not that he would actually admit that to himself, he just convinced himself that it's another problem he needs to fix, completely ignoring the fact that he might care a lot more about the man than he would admit.

Dazai starts by going to the agency's favorite café, picking up two plain croissants, one for him and one for Chuuya, then he goes to a takeout restaurant to get two orders of fried teriyaki noodles, which he knows used to be Chuuya's favorite back when they were broke teenagers.

Chuuya gets slightly startled by the sound of his doorbell, he sure isn't expecting guests nor do he really have any friends that would be randomly visiting him. With caution he approaches the door and looks through the peephole only to see the last person he would've wanted there. Dazai. Standing there just waiting for the door to be opened as if he couldn't easily just pick the lock.

Reluctantly Chuuya cracks open the door, his eyes narrowing at the brunet standing before him until he gets hit with the pleasant scent of what he could only assume was his favorite teriyaki noodles. for fucks sake.

"What are you doing here, Dazai?" He opens the door a little more.

"I brought Chuuya's favorite food with me so we can eat together" he says as he slides past Chuuya into the apartment and starts unpacking the dishes on the kitchen counter.

"It's very important to have 3 good meals every day! So I brought a good dinner for Chuuya!" He says as he starts looking through the cupboards for something to plate the food on.

Chuuya's starting to feel annoyed at Dazai's little charade and has no intentions on eating whatever it is that the bastard brought him.

"Yeah right, since when have you ever actually had 3 meals in one day you dumbass? Besides i literally just ate, so I don't need that" technically that wasn't a lie, however Chuuya just refrained from revealing the information that the carrots with a tiny bit of hummus could hardly be considered an actual meal.

"Awww, but Chuuyaa" he says with a fake sad expression "I just went out of my way to get all this delicious food, maybe you can just have some anyways!"

"Yeah as if... and how do I know you didn't poison it or some stupid shit like that?"

This makes Dazai do the most dramatic gasp Chuuya has ever heard in his life.

"How could the slug even suggest such a thing" he says as he wipes away imaginary tears.

Chuuya just raises an eyebrow "Jeez, dramatic much?"

"But Chuuya needs to eat!"

"Yeah and did you not hear what I just said, idiot? I already ate, not like it's any of your business anyway"

"Well of course it is! If I don't take care of Chuuya then who will?"

"I can take care of myself so mind your own damn business"

Chuuya hoped like hell that Dazai would just back down, but he might actually be the most stubborn person to ever exist, or at least Chuuya thought so, so obviously he wouldn't.

"Passing out after one fight isn't exactly taking care of oneself now is it?.. and Chuuya didn't even use corruption that time, so why doesn't the slug eat what I so kindly brought and then he can be stronger next time hm?"

"That happened one time and it doesn't have anything to do with you... Why don't you just go home Dazai, I don't wanna deal with this shit right now."

"I'm not going anywhere until Chuuya eats" Dazai's concern and stubbornness grows seeing as Chuuya doesn't seem to care at all about him just trying to help, no matter how out of character it is for him, he truly just wishes for Chuuya to be well.

He finally snaps "JUST FUCKING DROP IT, THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU SO JUST FUCK OFF. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU GIVE A SHIT"

The redhead pushes Dazai towards the door and he stumbles for a second before regaining his ground only to stand there staring at Chuuya with a truly worried look in his eyes, with such an honesty of his feelings just being right there on display for the redhead to see, because in that moment he truly doesn't care, he just wants to protect the man standing before him, the man he had left, that he had betrayed and let down to such an extent that he fears he may never be able to make up for it.

"Chuuya..."

"Just go. Please."

Dazai couldn't believe that his 'plan' was really failing, that Chuuya wouldn't accept his attempt at being supportive. But unlike anything he would've ever done before, he actually listened and backed down. He puts the food in the fridge in silence and approaches the front door as Chuuya just watches him.

"You should have it later, its really good... good night Chuuya" 

Chuuya says nothing as he watches Dazai leave, now standing all alone in his apartment feeling embarrassed and defeated. Why did that stupid bastard have to notice? Urghh fuck. And what's the point of showing up at my damn apartment?.

Once again Chuuya goes to bed feeling weak and shitty. He can only hope that tomorrow will be better.

 

 

 

Chapter 8: A feeling worse than death

Summary:

Chuuya centric chapter, ed behaviour warning once again - no numbers of course (and there won't be at all in the fic, cuz that shit is triggering as fuckkk)
But yeah basically Chuuya is having a pretty hard time dealing with life and maybe makes some stupid decisions involving food and a certain bandaged man

Chapter Text

A few days passed since the unfortunate incident between the two, they haven't spoken at all to eachother since and Chuuya isn't feeling any better, he's spiraling more than he knows. Obviously he's aware that maybe what he's doing and the way he is going about disliking his own body isn't exactly the healthiest, but frankly he couldn't give two shits, because for the most part he deemed for it to be working just fine, which means that he sees no point in changing his ways anytime soon.

 

Today is another normal day for Chuuya, waking up to drink his black coffee and then going to work acting like everything is fine, having so many walls up that no one even dares to question him, even if they are slightly concerned, his fellow coworkers know how hard Chuuya works, so any concern they have for him, they'll just assume it's because the executive is overworked, nothing more. 

Around lunchtime he decides to have a sandwich from a vending machine close to the Mafia headquarters since he can't just go not eating all day every day, he tried to once but didn't last long before he not only had no strength but also had to give in to his hunger and eat just about everything he could possibly find in the fridge and cabinets of his apartment, so he doesn't really do that anymore.

He finishes the sandwich and gets on with work, but he can't help but still feel hungry, of course that's the body's natural reaction to regularly undereating, Chuuya just finds it annoying though. He's just still so hungry and can't get his mind off of it, so he looks through the drawers and cabinets to find anything that would help, so he finds a small bag of chips, considering his options but deciding to eat them, which does help for a little while as he can focus on his work for the rest of the day only feeling a little distracted.

The issues arrives when Chuuya gets home and still has that overwhelming sensation of hunger as if it has taken over his mind and he can barely think about anything else. He tries so hard to distract himself and convince himself that he's fine and he shouldn't be eating if he wants to actually get anywhere with his little 'weight loss thing' as he calls it.

I'll just have a small portion of something, then that'll be it.

So he goes to the fridge to take out the noodles so kindly left by Dazai the other day, hesitating for a second, but still he takes it out and pours around half of it into a small bowl and puts the rest away as he goes to eat on the couch. Not long after he's back to the fridge taking the other half of the first portion of fried noodles. Why did he leave BOTH of them here?? Full of disgust with himself, he eats the rest of it and then goes on to have a glass of wine to 'calm' himself down a bit. 

Chuuya doesn't often get drunk alone, but today is an exception. One glass of wine turns into quite a few and suddenly before he knows it, he's opening a second bottle and in his tipsy state, he obviously falls victim to his hunger cues once again, because if he couldn't control it sober, he sure as fuck can't control it after an entire bottle of dry red wine. 

He finds himself sitting on the small outdoor couch on his balcony, just smoking ciggarettes and drinking even more, he even brought a croissant out to accompany him, but he takes one bite decides against it since it's dry as shit after sitting a that pastry bag for several days.

Then somehow, in a drunken state of mind, Chuuya decides that he thinks it's a great idea to pick up his phone and call Dazai in the middle of the night. He doesn't exactly expect the guy to pick up, not does he have any idea what he'd say to him if he did, but this is what drunk Chuuya wants, so it's what drunk Chuuya does. He's gonna hate himself for it in the morning, but that wouldn't be the only thing so he can just add it to the list of stupid decisions.

beep beep be- "Oh hey slug, what a pleasant surprise! I never thought Chuuya would be calling me!" before Chuuya can register the fact that Dazai actually picked up, the brunet speaks again "So why is Chuuya calling so late, hm?"

Chuuya tries his best not to slur his words but doesn't exactly succeed "wow... so you really- you just picked up huh?"

"Well what else does one do when getting a call? Chuuya is so silly"

"you idiot i'm not sillyy.... you're... the weird one, obviously.."

"Sure! But Chuuya is the one that's talking funny, has the slug been drinking?"

"pff noo, of course not." He's not exactly proving his case even when trying his drunken best to convince the other.

Dazai just plays along to try and figure out what Chuuya wanted when he hit that call button, because usually there is a reason even if it's a stupid drunk one; "Ah I see! so Chuuya called for a good reason then? did he need to say something important?"

"uhhh no? I don't know, you're the genious one aren'tya?"

"Aww Chuuya I'm ever so flattered! But the slug must tell me himself, since I can't read minds"

"I don't know, okay? maybe.. maybe I just wanted to talk? or something? I miss you, Dazai. I'm angry at you but I don't know what to do" his drunken ramble is cut off by the sound of his own hiccups.

Taking in what the redhead just say, Dazai was shocked to say the least. He didn't exactly think of Chuuya missing him as a real possibility after everything he put him through. "....What if I come to Chuuya's place? If he promises not to throw me out like last time?"

"yeah yeah, whateverr"

Dazai takes that as a sign to end the call and get out of the dorm to go be with Chuuya because he clearly is a little confused and could use a some support.

 

From experience Dazai knows that it's much quicker to just pick the lock than wait for a drunk Chuuya to actually come open the door, so that's what he does. He opens the door and is met with an uexpected sight of dirty dishes and empty takeout boxes, seemingly the same ones that he brought several days ago, he scans the kitchen and living space for Chuuya and sees the open balcony door, so he approaches it.

Going out on the balcony, Dazai is met with the sight of a clearly drunk and now sleeping Chuuya, it seems he drank so much he fell asleep on his balcony couch with an empty pack of ciggarettes and a croissant with a single bite taken out of it just sitting there on the table. 

He goes to gently poke Chuuya's cheek to wake him up "pst Chuuyaa"

Chuuya subconsciously pushes Dazai's hand away as he wakes up, still drunk and still lying down. "The fuck are you doing here?" he said in a tired tone. "Well I came to be with Chuuya, it seems like he couldn't take care of himself after all, hm?"

"Pff whatever, I'm a failure anyway" The redhead says and closes his eyes to try to go back to sleep on the cold outdoor couch. The statement obviously making Dazai raise an eyebrow. 

"Why does the slug say that?" he tries to get an answer from the drunk Chuuya in front of him, since he knows he would never get anything out of a sober one.

In a sad and slightly frustrated tone, Chuuya replies "I keep eating so fucking much, I hate it, I don't want to live like this... I'm such a failure"

"How about Chuuya goes to sleep in his actual bed and then we can talk about it in the morning, hm?"

"mmh bed" Chuuya mutters not caring about the rest of that sentence.

So Dazai helps Chuuya up and inside so the redhead could sleep in his bed instead of out on the balcony. He falls asleep pretty quickly and Dazai tries to clean up a bit of the mess, consisting of throwing out the trash and putting dirty dishes in the sink, that's Dazai's take at 'cleaning'.

He turns off the light and puts himself to sleep on Chuuya's couch, taking the blanket that's draped over the side to use against the cold evening air. 

There'll be a lot to unpack with sober Chuuya the day after, and Dazai is already dreading it.