Chapter Text
He's on his knees. It feels like he spends so much time there, between aiming for a good shot, or, sometimes, sucking dick. Most days, it's worth it. Whatever he has to do, whether it's killing someone or blowing a landlord to make up for missing rent. It's worth it to survive another day.
But not this time. Not with his hands in shackles and a collar around his neck. Not with his daughter muzzled and his friends crying. Not with his head on the block.
“I love you guys,” he whispers.
Then the axe falls and-
Blitzø is woken by the most obnoxious ringtone he's ever found- an audio clip of Tim Curry crooning,”We all float down here!”, remixed with WAP. Fizz is calling.
With a groan, Blitzø fumbles around his beanbag chair, trying (and failing) to locate the LOUD phone before it wakes a certain recently deposed bird from his beauty sleep.
Mother fuck, why did Blitzø set his phone so loud?
A few feet away on the couch, Stolas stirs, two of his eyes blinking while the other two stay firmly closed. Great. Now he's bothering Stolas, way to keep on fucking up, Shitzo!
“It’s okay, just go back to sleep,” Blitzø says, with a totally-not-panicked smile.
“...Blitzy?” Stolas mumbles. “Why is that song?” And then his eyes close again and he rolls over.
Finally, Blitzø finds the phone, hiding in a nearby box of novelty horse plates. He picks it up just before it reaches voicemail and dives into the bathroom, slamming the door for privacy.
“What?” he snarls into the phone.
“Jesus, good morning to you too, asshole,” Fizz answers.
“Fizz, do you know what fucking time it is?” Blitzø hisses. “How do you expect anyone to be awake at-” he checks the time, then winces. “-11:43? Oh. Shit.”
“Truly, I have committed the worst social faux pas,” Fizz drawls.
“Oh, shut up. What's so important you couldn't just text me?” Blitzø asks.
“Ummmmm…” Fizz trails off, which… not a great sign.
“Fucking Christ on a stick, is my already shitty week about to get shittier?” Blitzø rubs his forehead.
“Maybe?” Fizz says weakly. “It’s a matter of perspective, really. I mean, you might be into it, but-”
“Fizz. What the fuck.”
Fizz sighs. “Yeah, sorry. It's not good.”
Blitzø groans and rests his forehead against the wall. “Alright, hit me.”
“Ozzie just got word through the pipeline from Pride,” Fizz says. “You know those overlords, the Vees? They run Voxflix, got a bunch of news channels, basically the only thing stopping Mammon from having a monopoly on entertainment in Hell?”
“Yeah?”
“Well…” Fizz hesitates. “One of the Vees, Valentino, he does porn. Huge creep. He uh… he may have made a porn parody of your trial. And Stolas’s trial.”
Blitzø’s jaw drops.
“What.”
“Yeah, I know, it's gross,” Fizz says.
“I'm in a porno?” Blitzø screeches. “Is…is it good?”
“...not the takeaway you should be getting from this, bud,” Fizz says.
Right, no, Fizz was right. As fun as it could potentially be to be a starring character in a porno, this would be devastating for Stolas. And probably embarrassing for Loona. (Though it'd be fun to get Moxxie's reaction.)
“When is it coming out?” Blitzø asks.
“Sometime today, according to Ozzie's contact.”
“Wait, what? How??” Blitzø asks. “That trial bullshit was two days ago!”
“I told you! Valentino's an asshole!” Fizz says. “And if we knew sooner, I woulda warned you way before now.”
“Can't Oz just, I don't know, stop it?” Blitzø asks. “Seems like killing a porno would be a great perk of being the King of goddamn Lust!”
“It doesn't work like that!” Fizz explains. “The Deadly Sins only have jurisdiction over the hellborn, not the Sinners. Ozzie can't do anything here.” Then, in a mutter, “Trust me, if he could, he woulda killed that fucker years ago.”
“Fucking fuck.” Blitzø tilts his head back and sighs. Out of the corner of his eye, he catches a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror and flips it the bird.
“Okay, well… thanks. I guess. For the warning,” Blitzø says.
“Least I could do,” Fizz replies. “You know. With everything.”
A pause, then, “Blitzø? How are you holding up?”
NOPE.
“Oh hey, I think I just heard Loonie ask about pancakes, gotta go bye~!” Blitzø hangs up as fast as humanly possible (demonically possible?). He tries to ignore his pounding heart, breathing in and out, in and out…
They put a muzzle on your DAUGHTER.
And then suddenly, there's a screech from the other room.
Blitzø kicks open the door and lunges in, barely registering Loona doing the same on the other side of the room. Stolas is fully awake, sitting on the couch, and staring at his phone in horror.
“No, no, no…” he whimpers.
Well, shit.