Chapter Text
The moment James hears that Regulus is missing, it’s as if his mind detaches from his body. He disconnects. Something within him breaks. It’s happened before. It’s not too much of a surprise.
The next thing James knows, he’s standing on a battlefield with Voldemort’s dead body in front of him. This is more surprising.
This is what happened while James was gone. James won’t remember it, but he’ll have to live with it when he hears the story.
*
James immediately throws himself into finding Regulus. It’s his only focus. He and Lily hit a rough patch. Hardly speaking. James blames it on the pregnancy hormones to his friends. Lily is two months pregnant, and they just announced it to their friends. James had been excited and worried about being a father before. He doesn’t care now.
Lily is worried about him. She asks if he is okay often. For the most part, he ignores her. She’s not important. What is important is where Regulus has gone.
It’s been years since they saw each other at this point. James hasn’t seen Regulus in the flesh since they were at school together. But a part of James will always belong to Regulus. Regulus belongs to this version of James. Their love had teeth and this James was more than willing to bite.
James needed Regulus somewhere out there, alive. That was the only thing.
He doesn’t care for anything.
Nothing at all.
Apart from Regulus.
*
James breaks into Grimmauld Place. It’s actually easier than he expected. Especially because Orion Black died a week after Regulus went missing. Regulus is technically the heir. But Regulus is missing.
Sirius is torn up about his brother; he’s been leaning on Remus for support these last two weeks, but James has kept his distance. Sirius never knew about James and Regulus’ relationship.
Sirius comes to James and says that his father has died. He suspects that his mother knows something about what has happened to Regulus. Sirius wants to confront her, so he has decided that he’ll go to his father’s funeral. He tells James exactly when the funeral is. He lets slip that the wards will allow mourners through the fireplace at 9 am the next day.
At 9 am the next day, James pushes out of bed. He ignores Lily’s questions about where he’s going, dresses and goes to the Floo.
He donns the invisibility cloak and slips into the flames.
From there, it is relatively easy to slip through the house, avoiding mourners, and find a door marked with a neat RAB.
The door is charmed shut, but it’s a spell that James taught Regulus. He undoes it easily, feeling the sharp delicacy of Regulus’ magic woven. It is objectively an exquisite thing.
Inside the room, it is dark. James pushes open the curtains, flooding the room with the December morning’s light. It will be 1980 soon and the world only seems to be getting darker.
James just needs to find Regulus.
The room is green with dark wood accents. There is a large bed in the middle of the room which is unmade. The unmade bed strikes James as strange. James is also confused by the potion bottles that are scattered around. He crosses to the bed and grabs one from the bedside table.
Dreamless Sleep.
He sniffs another one.
Calming Draft.
James knows his potions. He grew up around them. It was one of the things he and Regulus had in common. Both are excellent brewers. Regulus had been quiet in his talent, James had been more of an arse about it using it to blow stuff up and cause chaos.
James has been surrounded by potions his whole life.
He knows what a potion addiction looks like.
He saw it in his father before he died.
It’s an all too common death for potioneers.
He sets the bottle down and refuses to believe it. Regulus is out there somewhere. Alive.
James turns away from the potions and looks over the rest of the room. The wall furthest from the bed has a desk beside it. The wall behind the desk is decorated with newspaper clippings. Regulus is seemingly obsessed with Voldemort.
James remembers being afraid of that name before.
He isn’t now.
He also finds Regulus’ journal. He duplicates it, leaving the fake in the room and taking the real one with him.
He doesn't look back.
*
Sirius comes back from the funeral and cries in Remus’ arms. The family suspects Regulus has died due to a potion overdose. That’s the headline that will be printed in the prophet. Now that Regulus is dead, Walburga demands that Sirius join the Death Eaters as the head of the house of Black.
Sirius refuses.
Sirius thinks that Voldemort has something to do with Regulus’ disappearance. He doesn’t believe the potion overdose story.
James gets an idea.
*
Lily is staying at Mary’s. She said she needed space. It makes it easier for James to be alone in his house most of the time. He has more time to study Regulus’ journal.
James purposefully gets captured at the next raid he’s sent on. He knows the Death Eaters will think twice about killing him. He’s the head of the House of Potter now. Even though he’s a blood traitor, he’s still the only living member of the oldest pureblood line in Britain. His ancestors were at Arthur’s Round Table.
James is taken before Voldemort.
When Voldemort pries James’s mind open, he finds exactly what he hopes to see. The perfect spy. He swears his fealty to the dark lord. Voldemort wants James to prove himself, and James gives up Marlene McKinnon.
Marlene dies by James’s hand. Voldemort is pleased with James’ performance.
James takes the dark mark.
All the while, he’s been sorting through Regulus’ notes. They seem to be in a code of sorts, and James can’t decipher it. The magic that it takes to do this is slow and time-consuming. A complicated set of blood wards that James can’t break
He needs Sirius’s help to unlock it.
Sirius’s blood works.
His friend’s eyes narrow when he sees the blood magic James is doing. They bulge out of his head when he sees who the diary belongs to before James can hide the name.
Sirius doesn’t say anything, though. He just claps James on the shoulder.
“You’re alright, mate?” Sirius asks.
“Why wouldn’t I be, Sirius?” James asks.
“Dunno, what with Lily and all….” Sirius trails off. “Just thought you might need a friend at the moment.”
“I really am fine,” James says. “Lils and I will sort it out. It’s just what with my parents and now Marlene… We’re all struggling with it in our own ways.” The lies slip out of his tongue as if they were truths. This James has always been good at saying what he thinks people want to hear.
“You’ll call me if you need anything?” Sirius asks.
“Yeah, of course.”
James knows already he can call Sirius for anything. He will. He just did, after all. He’s made it into Regulus journal.
*
From Regulus’ journal, James learns about the Horcruxes. Regulus suspects there could one day be up to seven. He doesn’t think that Voldemort has made all seven yet. He suspects that he’s made five, perhaps six.
He that they might be objects that have a special relevance to Voldemort himself. Regulus suspects something to do with his family. Regulus was digging into Tom Riddle’s past. He discovered a connection to the Gaunt family which he was yet to follow up on. He also unearthed the fact that he was linked to the disappearance of an old woman who had been the owner of Hufflepuff’s Cup and Slytherin’s Locket. Both objects had vanished.
Regulus’ handwriting got sloppier and sloppier and the entries got shorter and shorter until they boiled down to single words scribbled on the page. Like a checklist.
cave Kreacher inferi? drink potion maybe locket?
That was the final entry.
*
Three weeks after Regulus died. James is in the cave.
He had to call Sirius for help again to get the elf to talk. The little shit did not cooperate until James got Sirius to make him talk. Sirius had been horrified to find the elf bruised and bloody in James’s living room.
He had done what James asked at wand point.
The elf told James everything he wanted to know and more. He handed over Slytherin’s Locket when asked for it.
Once James had the information he needed from the elf, he healed him with a flick of his wand and got Sirius to order the elf never to speak of it.
Sirius confronted James about it. James told Sirius that he was looking for Regulus and had a hunch. He was going to the cave.
Ever since he read the word inferi in Regulus’ journal, he had been reading up on them. They weren’t really dead in the same way that they weren’t really alive. They existed in a grey sort of magic that had always fascinated James.
Whenever the other one let him, he spent time researching it. The other one never remembered it, but this James did. He remembered everything. His job was to protect the other one from everything. To do what had to be done to make sure he was safe.
It had been a while since this James had been in charge for this long.
He liked it.
This James knew all there was to know about inferi. He knew that someone who was killed by an inferi was still there. Their soul was locked in their body. All it would take was a small blood ritual to revive them to their old selves.
That’s exactly what happened when James went to the cave. He found the inferi scarred version of Regulus, plucked his writhing corpse out of the lake, fought off the rest of the inferi and escaped with the inferi version of the boy he would do anything for.
Twenty-four hours later, Regulus was revived fully and tucked up in James and Lily’s bed. Regulus would be scarred from the experience, but he was alive. All it had taken was for James to recall a bonding ritual that he and Regulus had once done.
Not the other James, but this James and Regulus.
Regulus had been the only one able to tell when James wasn’t the other him.
Regulus knew immediately now.
“Oh, it’s you.” Regulus regarded James through bleary eyes. “Hello. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.”
“It’s been a while since you’ve seen him as well,” James remarked. They always spoke about other James as a third person when they were like this. The other James had always been scared of this James. Of what he was capable of. But Regulus had always been secretly thrilled by this James. He had told this James about it like a secret just between them. Other James never knew.
“I suppose it has,” Regulus agreed. He rubbed his eyes and shifted on the bed. “What happened? Why are you here?”
“You went missing,” James tells him. “I took over from there.”
“You found my notes?” Regulus asks. “How did you get into my house?”
James never lied to Regulus. “Your father died unexpectedly, and I snuck in at his funeral. I joined the Death Eaters too.”
“Merlin,” Regulus muttered. “You really went all out to burn his life down this time, didn’t you?”
James shrugged. “As I said, you were missing.”
“What about your wife, James?” Regulus demanded. He was weak, but even lying in bed, Regulus’ anger radiated an ethereal beauty to James. Like an avenging angel come to smite him.
“Lily doesn’t matter,” James said. He turned on his heel and headed to the door.
“Where the fuck are you going?” Regulus demanded. He tried to sit upright in bed but found that James’ magic was retraining him. “James, get back here. Let me up!”
“I can’t; I’m sorry. It’s for your own good,” James told Regulus from the doorframe. “You’ll stay here until I work out the safest place to put you.”
“James…” Regulus' tone was a warning. It didn’t affect this James. Other James would be on his knees for the man, though. “James, you can’t leave me here.”
“It’ll give you the chance to dry up from those calming drafts, right Reg?” James asked mercilessly.
Regulus paled.
James saw the signs of potion addiction written all across Regulus.
This was just one more thing James would have to protect him from.
*
It took Regulus three days to dry out properly. He cried and begged for potions. He clawed at James’ face whenever he went too close. James ignored him for the most part. He didn’t keep Regulus restrained to the bed, he was allowed to move around James’ room, but not to leave it.
James spent a fair amount of time repairing furniture that Regulus destroyed in fits of rage.
It didn’t affect him that much. Regulus’ begging fell on deaf ears. At least when he was locked up, he was safe.
James gave up Dorcas Meadows to Voldemort. He was gaining Voldemort’s trust. Slowly, albeit, but it was working. He attended Death Eater meetings quietly and gave up anything that was asked of him.
He also discovered the location of the Gaunt shack and retrieved the ring from the rotten floorboard. He had two Horcruxes now and no way to destroy them. Regulus hadn’t been sure in his journal of how to destroy them. It was a problem James would have to fix,
“I have two of them now,” James tells Regulus when he goes to give him his dinner later that day.
Detox was not being kind to Regulus. He was still beautiful, even laid out in bed with a hollow expression and tired eyes.
“It’s still you?” Regulus asks, frowning at James.
“It’s still me,” James agrees. “I’m picking up where you left off. I found the Gaunt house, I have Marvolo Gaunt’s ring.”
“And the locket?” Regulus asks.
“And the locket,” says James. “Do you know anything else about how to destroy them?”
“No,” says Regulus. “It needs to be something so destructive that they are completely destroyed. I’m also not sure if he’ll be able to feel them being destroyed.”
“Hm,” James nods. “I suppose I can wait to destroy them.”
“Why are you doing this James?” Regulus asks. “Let me go?”
“Why would I let you go? You’re safe here.”
*
James’ friends are suspicious of him. With good reason. He’s distant and wrapped up in his own crusade. Now that Regulus is safe and out of the way, James will kill Voldemort. More for something to than anything else.
James knows that his friends don’t trust him when Lily disappears. She and Mary go into hiding and James isn’t consulted. He doesn’t care either.
That is until he’s asked about the location of his wife by Voldemort.
He has nothing to offer. He doesn’t know where Lily is.
Voldemort isn’t pleased.
James is tortured.
The pain doesn’t bother him.
Afterwards, he is left alone in Lucius Malfoy’s office. It’s a stroke of luck that leads him to find the diary.
*
No one else comes around to the house in Godric’s Hollow. James has the floo sealed and has removed everyone from the wards. Only he is free to come and go. For the most part, James ignores Regulus apart from bringing him meals. Regulus doesn’t like this. He wants attention. He was always a needy thing.
James spends days sitting in the living room, staring at the three Horcruxes he has gathered and contemplating other possible hiding locations.
Regulus gave up yelling at James to let him out after the first week. He stays silent now.
Regulus knows this James.
He knows there is no reasoning with him.
One time when they were in school, this James locked Regulus in the room of hidden things for a week. Other James returned, and it wasn’t until this James came back that Regulus was released. At least this time, Regulus hasn’t been forgotten about. He gets three meals a day unless James is too busy. Sometimes, James sits with him and they talk. Regulus helps James reason out where the other Horcruxes might be.
The thought of the room of hidden things sparks a memory in James.
Five hours later, he has the diadem.
Four Horcruxes down. One to go.
*
“James,” Sirius asks tentatively after an Order Meeting. The meetings are the only time James sees his friends now. He doesn’t really care about it.
“What is it, Sirius?” James asks.
“Can we talk?”
“What do we have to talk about?”
“I just- I don’t know. You’re scaring me, mate. You’re not yourself. You haven’t even asked after Lily or your kid, what’s going on? Is it him? Are you him?”
“I don’t have time for this Sirius.”
*
James gives up the Prewetts next. Voldemort is growing suspicious of him as he’s been unable to provide a location for Lily. Voldemort thinks that James is hiding things from him. He prods his mind with gusto every time James sees him. James uses the opportunity to examine Voldemort’s mind in return.
This is how he discovers the location of the final Horcrux.
James no longer has the ability for subtlety.
He’s starting to get bored with the hunt for the Horcruxes.
He’s been careful for so long.
He wants to cause a bit of chaos.
He loads all of the other Horcruxes into his bag and sets out for Gringotts.
He doesn’t bother with deception. He fights his way in. He kills goblins and wizards alike as they get in his way. He doesn’t have time to search the Lestrange vault. He throws all of the Horcruxes on the ground in the vault and seals the door after casting the charm to summon Fiend Fire.
The vault will burn forever.
By the time James returns to the foyer, there is a battle in progress. The chaos he’s caused has summoned members of the Order and the Death Eaters alike. Voldemort himself is here.
James doesn’t think twice. He strides across the battlefield, dodging hexes and curses until he’s right in front of Voldemort. Voldemort has just blown Alistar Moody aside. He turns his attention to James.
“My Lord,” James inclines his head.
“Potter, what are you doing?” Voldemort asks.
James takes him by surprise. He sends a severing hex at Voldemort before the man can think twice. His head separates from his body and hits the floor with a dull thunk. It’s March of 1980, and Jamed Potter has just killed Lord Voldemort.
*
*
James gasps for air as he takes in the scene around him. It takes him a second to work out where he is. He’s in Gringotts, but it’s in chaos.
“What the fuck?” James mutters as he takes in the battle around him. People are cheering and it appears that the Death Eaters are starting to flee. James is confused about the cheering. That is until he looks down and sees Voldemort’s decapitated corpse in front of him.
James swallows vomit. The neck is mangled by a cutting charm. Bone and muscle hang free and a steady pool of blood is spreading. James is already standing in the pool. The blood is staining his shoes.
This is not the first time he’s woken up to violence. When he was younger, sometimes he’d wake up and find a decapitated animal in bed with him or a tortured mouse in a box under his bed. He has always been fairly certain that he attacked his mother once, but his parents never bought it up and James never asked.
This is the first time he’s woken up to a dead human body. The fact that it’s Voldemort is the only reason James isn’t shaking in a corner.
Okay, so… fine. His evil alter ego killed Voldemort? Maybe?
Did he really crash out that hard over Regulus? Is Regulus okay? Is he still missing or did James manage to find him? How long has it been this time? The longest he’s ever been gone is a week, is it around that long? Less time?
James doesn’t really have time to settle back into his skin. He has to help round up the fleeing Death Eaters.
*
“Did that really happen?” Sirius demands. “Did you really just kill Voldemort?”
“I, eh, I dunno,” James admits. “I think I’ve been gone for a while.”
Sirius knows about the other James. Apparently, the other James is very good at pretending that he’s the normal James. Sirius has never been able to spot when James is gone. He only ever finds out after the fact. James has always made a point to tell Sirius about it. Especially since other James tried to kill Walburga Black in their fifth year.
“Oh shit,” Sirius mutters. They’re both dirty from the battle. The Death Eaters have been rounded up and the members of the Order are collecting themselves and reuniting with their loved ones. James stands off to one side with Sirius.
James can’t see the rest of his friends anywhere. Lily isn’t here. That’s good because she’s pregnant. They had agreed that she wouldn’t be taking part in any battles.
“How long?” Sirius asks.
“You tell me,” James sighs.
“What’s the last thing you remember?”
“Regulus is missing,” says James. “Then I was gone.”
Sirius’ eyes widen. “James, it’s been months. That happened in December, it’s March now”
“What?” James demands. “What, no that’s not possible! It’s never been that long before.”
“You kind of went off the radar mate,” Sirius admits. “Locked yourself up in your house and wouldn’t see anyone. I thought it was a rough patch with Lily. The others all thought you were a Death Eater spy. It’s been fucked mate.”
“What?” James asks. “What the fuck, what happened with Lily?”
“Lily moved out,” Sirius says tentatively.
“Fuck,” James huffs. “He’s really fucking done it this time hasn’t he.”
Sirius casts a look around the foyer, which is beginning to empty significantly. James follows his eyes to see Remus and Peter standing across the room, watching them. James can see Remus’ hand on his wand holster as he watches James carefully. Remus’ face is set and James can tell that his friend no longer trusts him. He’ll have to earn his trust back somehow. It’s difficult when he doesn’t even know how much of an arse he’s been.
“Maybe I should go?” James suggests. “Can you explain it to them? I’m fucking exhausted.”
Sirius looks back to James. “Yeah, sure okay. But open your wards back up okay?”
“I locked my wards?” James asks, eyebrows shooting up in surprise.
“Yeah, you did,” Sirius nods. “Not even Lily can get into that house.”
*
James returns home and unlocks his wards. He keys in Sirius, Remus, Peter and Lily. He doesn’t want to be bothered by anyone else. He’s tired. So tired. He always is when he comes back. Other James doesn’t seem to waste much time on sleeping, so James is always left to pick up the pieces of a destroyed sleep schedule after his longer periods of absence.
He makes himself a cup of tea and goes to sit in the living room.
The living room is littered with dirty plates and cups. The coffee table is completely covered in papers. Newspaper clippings, books and a leather-bound journal with Regulus’ name on it.
James doesn’t have the energy to clean properly. He waves his wand and sends the dirty dishes to the kitchen. He drinks his tea and decides he’ll read through whatever research other James was doing tomorrow. For now, he wants to crawl into bed and sleep.
He heads up to his room. There’s a complicated locking charm on the door which James removes.
“You’re back?” A voice says as James pushes the door open. He takes in the room and sees Regulus is there. The boy looks worse for wear. He’s sitting on the edge of the bed looking at James. He has scars peeking out of the collar of his shirt.
James is frozen, staring at Regulus.
The last thing he remembers is that Regulus had gone missing.
Now, Voldemort is dead and Regulus is in James’ bedroom.
From the looks of the room, Regulus has been here a while
The locking charm on the door makes sense now.
“Oh,” says Regulus when he takes James in. “ You’re back.”
“What the hell are you doing here Regulus?” James demands.
“Ask other you,” says Regulus. “He’s the one who revived me from the dead with a blood ritual only to keep me locked up here for months.”
“Shit, sorry.”
“I’ve told you before James, you don’t need to apologise for things he does.”
James feels like he needs to apologise anyway. His mind is too tired to reason out Regulus’ presence. All he knows is he’s glad to see the boy.
“I’m fucking knackered Reg,” James says. “Go if you want to, I’m going to sleep.”
“I don’t have anywhere else to be James,” Regulus says. “Sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
*
James wakes up when his floo is activated. Blearily, he scrambles out of bed, careful not to disturb Regulus who is sleeping next to him.
His tired brain slowly clicks into gear when he walks into the living room and finds Sirius standing there.
“You look better,” says Sirius. “Did you sleep?”
“Yeah,” James sighs. “C’mon then. Give it to me. What fucked up shit did I do? How did I end up killing Voldemort? I assume it was me.”
“I really wish I knew mate,” Sirius sighs. “Like I said, you’ve been a bit of a shut-in. Looks like you’ve been busy.” Sirius casts his eyes over the piles of notes which are still out on the coffee table. He picks up Regulus’ journal. “This was sealed with blood magic. You got me to unlock it and then were all cagey about it.”
“You didn’t ask questions?” James asks.
“I never did where you and Regulus were concerned,” Sirius says. “Besides, he’s dead.”
“Regulus isn’t dead,” James scoffs.
Sirius frowns. “What?”
“Regulus is here,” James sighs. “I found him here when I got back last night.”
“Regulus is here?” Sirius repeats, shock written all over his face.
The Black Brothers reunite. Sirius punches Regulus. Regulus tackles Sirius. All around, it’s what can be expected of them. When they separate, Sirius looks at James with a cold expression. “Explain, please?”
“I’m just as in the dark as you Sirius,” James says. “All he said was that I saved him and kept him here.”
“After you performed an ancient blood ritual to bring me back,” Regulus offers helpfully.
“Explain,” Sirius says again.
So Regulus does. He tells Sirius everything. About how he and James had been together in school, about the Horcruxes and how he’d gone after one only to be pulled into the inferi-infested lake. James and Regulus had a rule back when they were together; Regulus would always tell this James exactly what Other James has been up to. Regulus always followed this rule. This time seems to be harder than ever before as he describes James’ horcrux hunt.
Sirius is angry. James takes a punch and hits the ground from the force of it. He’d been waiting for Sirius to hit him over this ever since the first time he kissed Regulus.
Regulus just tuts and helps James onto the sofa, placing a hand on his thigh as he continues.
“Other James has always liked grey magic,” says Regulus. “I taught him some blood rituals back in school. He used one to bring me back.”
“Regulus, why the fuck were you teaching him blood rituals?” James demands. “We’re not supposed to give him dangerous shit.”
“He asked,” Regulus shrugs. “Seemed interested.”
James will never understand the relationship between Regulus and his alter ego. Regulus always says that other James is mostly cruel and indifferent to him. James knows that he’s been horrible to Regulus in the past. He will never stop trying to make up for it.
“James, what the fuck is this. You’re married. To Lily. She’s pregnant with your baby,” Sirius says.
James huffs in frustration. “How many times do I have to tell you Sirius, I don’t know!”
“Other James didn’t seem to care much about Lily,” Regulus offers. “I didn’t know she was pregnant until right now. Other James never mentioned it.”
James removed his glasses and runs a hand over his face. “This is a fucking mess.”
“I think Other James is the one who sold out Marlene and Dorcas too,” Regulus says. His tone is careful like he’s talking to a wounded animal. He always used to take the same tone when telling James what had happened whilst he was gone.
“Sold them out?” James asks. “To who? I don’t understand.”
“James, Marlene and Dorcas are dead,” Sirius tells him. “You-Know-Who killed them.”
“What the fuck?” James mutters.
“Roll up your sleeve Jamie,” says Regulus carefully.
Frowning, James does so. His stomach lurches when he sees the Dark Mark on his forearm.
James spends the next half an hour being sick in the toilet.
*
James always makes a list of apologies he has to make after he has an episode. This list is longer than it ever has been before.
He starts with the people who will never be able to forgive him. He leaves flowers on Marlene and Dorcas’ graves. He mutters apologies into the night and swears to try and get better.
He has an appointment with a mind healer scheduled. He’s more scared of other James than he ever has been before. The dark mark on his forearm burns often. Like a horrible reminder of things that James will never remember.
*
Next, James speaks with Dumbledore. He tells him all about the Horcruxes. He confesses that he became a Death Eater and sold out his friends. Dumbledore doesn’t really seem to care. Dumbledore seems fascinated by Other James.
He congratulates James on defeating Voldemort.
James leaves the meeting feeling sick.
*
Next, James sits down with Peter and Remus.
Remus has always understood as well as anyone possibly could what James goes through when he has an episode. Remus went through a similar thing when he transformed into a werewolf. At least for Remus, he always knew when it would happen. James was always taken by surprise when he went away. Left to pick up the pieces.
Remus forgives James instantly.
Peter seems more scared of James than anything else.
James and Peter’s friendship never really recovers.
*
James' mind healer meets Other James a week after he first starts seeing her. He’s been going once a day and spending an hour with the woman. He likes her.
Apparently, Other James does not. He attacks her and James comes back to himself covered in her blood. She’s lucky she didn’t die.
Other James is diagnosed with a psychopathic personality. James is given medication. It helps.
*
Although Sirius says he doesn’t need an apology. James keeps doing it anyway. He spends hours with his best friend, doing everything he can to make it right.
*
Regulus never left James’ house. James can’t find it in himself to be upset about it. They settle back into an easy relationship like they had back in school. Other James appears a few times. Regulus assures James that he doesn’t really do anything.
James doesn’t know if he believes Regulus.
James does know that he still loves Regulus. He doesn’t know why Regulus stays. He’s glad he does. James hates being alone.
He still hasn’t spoken to Lily. He doesn’t know what he’d say.
*
James finally speaks to Lily a month later. Lily gets tired of waiting for James to come to her and arrives at the house.
It is April. Lily is five months pregnant. Her belly is swollen.
James remembers how excited he’d been about becoming a father. All he feels now is dread. What if he hurts the baby? What if the baby is like him? What if their mind is as fucked up as his?
“I want a divorce James,” is the first thing Lily says when James opens the door to let her in.
“Yeah fair enough,” James sighs. “Come in, I’ll make tea.”
Lily berates him for never telling her about Other James. Sirius had explained it to her. James is thankful he didn’t have to. Lily feels like James has betrayed her. She says that she wouldn’t have cared about Other James, but the fact that she never knew about him hurts. She asks him how often it had happened whilst they were together. How many times has she spoken to a totally different person and not even realised it. James doesn’t know how to answer. It’s more times than he cares to admit.
He doesn’t know what Other James wanted with Lily, but he knows he toyed with her. James was always left to pick up the pieces.
“You were awful to me James,” Lily sniffs.
“I know, I’m really sorry,” says James. “I’m seeing a healer. I think it’s helping. I don’t want to be like this anymore Lils.”
James and Lily are divorced before their baby is born.
James isn’t allowed to be alone with the baby. He loves Baby Harry. He’s terrified for his son. But he still loves him. The world is terrifying. James is terrified of himself more than anything. Regulus helps. He stays in the room with James and Harry at all times.
When Harry sleeps over, Regulus sleeps in his room after locking James’ door. Just in case.
But the medication is helping. He hasn’t had an episode for a while.
*
Other James only appears once more. On James’ second wedding day.
Other James is the one to marry Regulus.
James and Regulus never tell anyone else. Regulus assures James that he doesn’t mind. That he loves all of him.
Secretly, James thinks that Regulus loves Other James more than he loves this James.
James and Regulus never discuss this aloud. But it’s there. And They both know it.