Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Stories about the Regulars, the Irregulars and SSundeeandCrew

-Ships except x Reader ships

-Genderbend AUs

-in general multiple AUs

-AUs with Alexia

-Wrong Quotes

-Angst

-No y/n stories

-Ministories

-Questions of you guys

I accepted every idea!

Chapter Text

Nico: We need to distract these guys.

Henwy: Leave it to me.

Henwy: Centaurs have six limbs, so they're insects. Discuss.

SSundee, Zud and Biffle: *immediately start arguing*

PatP looks on in horror: Oh, that. I don't like that. I don't like that at all.

Sigils (off-screen): What did you just say, HENWY?!

Nico: Whenever I hear someone talking about updog, I'm torn between wanting not to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.

Biffle: Okay, but what is updog?

Henwy: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.

Kate: No, that's a hotdog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.

SSundee: No, that's an update. You're thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.

Sigils: Surely that's Uppsala, where updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.

Nico: That's Aragog. Updog is a symbol commonly used in analytical proofs for an arbitrarily small number.

Biffle: You're thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward current of air.

SSundee: No, that's an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.

Henwy: What's a henway?

Nico: Oh, about five pounds.

Alexia: Well, aren't you all a ragtag group of adventurers with unclear goals and good hearts? Oh, let me guess: You want to save the world!

Sigils: Well, actually, that sounds like a pretty fair assessment.

Biffle: More or less, I guess...

Alxton: That sounds great! Let's do it!

PatP: I'm new here, but I'm open to the concept.

Henwy: *holding his Airsoft gun* I thought that's what we were doing, guys, come on!

Nico: ...

SSundee: The dumbest scar stories, come on!

Sigils: I once burned my tongue while drinking tea.

Biffle: A hairdryer once fell on my leg and burned it.

Lookumz: I have a piece of graphite in my leg because I accidentally pricked myself with a pencil in first grade.

Zud: I took a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and got a bad burn.

Nico/Henwy:

Nico/Henwy: I have emotional scars.

Nico comes into his house: Hello, people who don't live here.

Sigils: Hey.

Biffle: Hi.

Henwy: Hello.

SSundee: Hey!

Nico: I gave you the key to my apartment just for emergencies!

Lookumz: We were out of Baguettes.

"Can I copy the homework?"

Alxton: I can help you with that!

Pat: Yes, sure.

SSundee: You're so rude to assume I did the homework.

Kate: lol, nope.

Zud: Wait, we had homework?!?!?!

Lookumz: *read at 7:55 a.m.*

Alxton: Would you be there for me if I had to go through something?

Pat: No, absolutely not.

Lookumz: I hope whatever you're going through sucks.

Kate: I hope it leaves you with emotional scars for the rest of your life.

Zud: I hope you contact me so I can ignore you.

SSundee: I can't wait to go to your funeral because I know I could have changed the outcome./Toxic/

*The group shortly before Kate's wedding*

Sigils: OK, I have to go, I have to go to a wedding.

Gold: Wait... Oh! I have to go to a wedding too!

Alxton: Oh, I have to go to a wedding too.

Biffle: I THINK WE ALL HAVE TO GO TO WEDDINGS.

Lookumz, panicking: I THINK I HAVE TO OFFICE A WEDDING.

*The group is at Henwy's house*

Sigils: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?

Henwy: ... N-No...

Henwy, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???

Sigils, pointing to her kitchen: Three, I thought!

Gold: I see one -

Henwy, pointing to an appliance: That's a microwave.

Sigils: Oh, well, I -

Henwy: Hey, wait, wait, actually - wait a minute - *plays with the buttons on the microwave*

Henwy, amazed: It has a baking setting!

Kate: Ohoho, you never stop learning!

Biffle: Let's do - Let's do a Roshambo to see who gets to choose first?

Henwy: Now I just realized I have more ovens than I thought, we don't even have to play Roshambo!

Henwy: I am someone who owns four ovens...

Henwy, louder and way too happy: I am someone... who owns FOUR OVENS...

Henwy: I didn't know I was so rich in ovens...

Lookumz, pointing to another appliance: The toaster oven too!

Henwy:

Sigils: Ohhh, cool boy!

Henwy: Four-Five ovens!

Henwy, euphoric: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS

Nico: Rules are meant to be broken.

Sigils: They are meant to be followed.

Nothing is meant to be broken.

Henwy: Er, piñatas.

Russel: Glow sticks.

Biffle: Karate boards.

Zud: Spaghetti, if you have a small pot.

Nicovald: Rules.

Sigils:

SSundee: Time for Plan G.

Sigils: Don't you mean Plan B?

SSundee: No, we tried Plan B a long time ago.

I had to skip Plan C due to technical difficulties.

Biffle: What about Plan D?

SSundee: Plan D was that desperate attempt at stealth half an hour ago.

Russel: What about Plan E?

SSundee: I hope not to have to use it. Henwy dies in Plan E.

Nicovald: I like Plan E.

*Everyone stands around SSundee's broken diamond play button*

SSundee: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just want to know.

All:

Madelyn: ...I did. I broke it.

SSundee: No. No, you didn't. Henwy?

Henwy: Don't look at me. Look at Russel.

Russel: What?! I didn't break it.

Henwy: Hmm, that's weird.

How did you even know it was broken?

Russel: Because it's right in front of us and it's broken.

Henwy: Suspicious.

Russel: No, it's not!

Biffle: If it matters, probably not, but Pat was there last.

Pat: Liar! I'm not even looking at that crap!

Biffle: Oh really? Then what were you doing at the awards case earlier?

Kate: He was looking at them because he's sad he doesn't have a single one. Everyone knows that, Biffle!

Madelyn: Okay, let's not fight. I broke it. Make me pay for it, SSundee.

SSundee: No! Who broke it?!

Everyone:

Lookumz: SSundee... Nico was awfully quiet.

Nico: REALLY?!

*Everyone starts arguing*

SSundee during interview: I broke it. I bumped into it.

SSundee: I predict in 10 minutes they'll be at each other's throats with war paint on their faces and a pig's head on a stick.

SSundee: Good. Things are getting a little chummy here.

*Troop reactions to the words "I love you"*

SSundee: Thanks guys!

Sigils: Finally someone!

Nico: ...

Henwy: *cries* I love you too!

Lookumz: Sounds fake but okay...

Biffle: I have a girlfriend.

Jerome: *A confused mess*

PatP: Oh no

Zud: Can I get my money back?

PatP: *Posts a very poor quality image to the group chat*

Sigils: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I would have 15 cents.

SSundee: If I had a dollar for every ounce of anger I felt in my body after seeing this image, I would have enough money to buy a cannon and shoot you.

Kate: I did the math, Sigils would have $225, not $0.15.

Sigils: Family, I'm right here...

Lookumz: If I had a dollar, I would buy a can of soda :)

SSundee: While you're here, could you please buy me some apple juice?

Lookumz: Sorry, I only have a dollar...

SSundee: :(

Henwy: Hey, I just realized my friend is right. Sigils would have $22,500 because every pixel is worth a dollar, not a cent.

Lookumz: If I had $22,500, I would buy a can of soda and a juice.

Henwy: $22,500 can buy you anything you want.

Biffle: Yeah, and they want soda and juice.

Zud: Me too!

Sigils: Great conversation, guys.

Kate: Sigils... How do I begin to explain Sigils?

Henwy: Sigils is flawless.

SSundee: I heard his hair is insured for $10,000.

Jerome: I heard they do car commercials... in Japan.

Zud: He punched me in the face once... it was awesome.

Kate: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?

Sigils: >:O Language

Henwy: Yeah, watch your fucking language.

Alxton: OKAY, WHO PUT THE FUCKING WORD ON HENWY?

Jerome: "The fucking word."

Zud: Are you guys stupid? You use the F-word all the time.

Henwy: Oh my god, they censored it.

Jerome: Say "fuck," Zud.

Henwy: Do it, Zud. Say "fuck."

Kate: If you bite it and die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's poisonous.

Sigils: What if it bites me and dies?

Henwy: Then you're poisonous. For God's sake, Sigils, learn to listen.

Alxton: What if it bites itself and I die?

Jerome: That's voodoo.

Zud: What if it bites me and someone else dies?

Sigils: That's correlation, not causation.

Alxton: What if we bite each other and neither of us die?

Jerome: That's perverted.

Kate: Oh my god.

Karan: I CAN'T DO IT!

Russel, laughing: I CAN'T DO IT EITHER!

Karan: I CAN'T FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE

Gold: SO I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.

Karan:

Karan: I appreciate that

Karan: BUT LOOK AT WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-

Alxton: YOU HAVE TO DRAW A LINE SOMEWHERE!

Lookumz: YOU HAVE TO DRAW A FUCKING LINE. YOU HAVE TO MAKE A STATEMENT.

Karan: YOU HAVE TO LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY: "What am I willing to put up with today?"

Karan, pointing to SSundee being toxic: DON'T FUCKING HAVE THAT!

Chapter Text

Karan: Hey, I guess.

Russel: Heeeeeee!

Gold: Greetings, humans.

Nico: Three types of humans.

Siimii: I want pudding.

Karan: Four types of humans.

Henwy, with Airsoftgun: WHAT'S UP, YOU ASSHOLES?

Jerome: Five types of humans.

Alxton: You're smiling. What happened?

SSundee: What? Can't I just smile because I feel like it?

Biffle: Sigils has been purified with the Ray of Purification.

Sigils: Synchronize all your clocks.

Henwy: I don't know how to do that.

Biffle: I don't wear a watch.

Nico: Time is a construct.

*In a horror movie situation*

Sigils: I don't have reception on my phone here.

Biffle: Damn, my battery just died.

Henwy: Sorry guys, I just broke my phone with a hammer.

Pat: Guys, my phone is a book.

Siimii: There are seven chairs and ten children. What do you do?

Kate: Make everyone stand up.

Jerome: Bring three more chairs!

Ambrew: The most important ones can sit down.

SSundee : Kill three.

Siimii: Where are Kate, Jerome and Ambrew?

SSundee: They're playing hide and seek.

Siimii: Where?

SSundee: I don't think you understand how this game works.

Lookumz : I'll be an adult in 4 years and I only have a vague idea of ​​​​what I'm going to do.

Kate: I'll be an adult in less than a year and I don't know what to do with my life.

Sigils: I totally agree...

PatP: I'm an adult and I don't know what to do with my life.

Jerome: Three types of people.

SSundee: ...

Ambrew: *visits the regulars* Hello, I just came to -

Ambrew: *sees Sigils pushing Henwy into the washing machine while Biffle records and Nico watches*

Ambrew: *retreats* Suddenly something came up.

Zud: . ..

Zud: Please send help

Biffle: Do you know what I learned from my friendship with SSundee?

Jerome: There's no such thing as being too mean?

Russel: Never let your friends know for sure if you like them?

Sigils: Always holding a grudge?

Nico: Humans can also be toxic?

The Squad: *walks through the mall*

Biffle: Hey, have any of you seen Jerome? They've been gone for a while.

Sigils: Uh, nope.

Nico: No, I haven't...

Ambrew: Probably ran off to McDonald's or something.

Jerome: Hey.

Biffle: Ooh, there you are -

Sigils: What the hell -

Ambrew: I- where were you?!

Jerome: I was running right after you.

Biffle: Did anyone...

Jerome: Depressed?

Sigils: Exhausted?

Ambrew: Stupid?

Russel: Disliked by others?

Biffle: -finished their work...what's wrong with you people...

Biffle: What makes you all smile?

Jerome: Friends and family.

Sigils: Snacks.

Zud: Victory and success.

Nico: Facial muscles.

Biffle: We're doing an ongoing study to find out what Zud eats and what he doesn't.

Jerome: Grass? Yes!

Biffle: Moss? Yes!!!

Jerome: Leaves? Ohh, yes!

Biffle: Shoelaces? Weird but true!

Jerome: Worms? Sometimes!

Biffle: Rocks? Not usually.

Jerome: Twigs? Usually!

Biffle: Russel's cooking? Inconclusive!

Sigils: How did you... test that?

Biffle: You just give them stuff and say "eat this" and if they eat it, they eat it.

Sigils: ...I don't know what to make of that.

Russel: THAT IS WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

Chapter Text

SSundee: Christmas lights?

Garry: Check.

Karan: Thermos of hot chocolate?

Garry: Check.

Rage: Santa suit?

Garry: Check.

Nico : Shovel?

Garry: Check.

Alexia: Alibi and bail?

Garry: Check – wait, WHAT?!

This features my friend, JacquelineJacQuay, check her out: https://archiveofourown.info/users/JacquelineJacQuay/pseuds/JacquelineJacQuay or https://www.wattpad.com/user/JacquelineJacQuay.

Derp SSundee: You're an unpredictable guy, SSundee.

SSundee: No, I'm not. I may be an unpredictable guy, but an unpredictable guy? Do you think that of me?

Zud: I think you play by your own rules.

JacquelineJacQuay: No way, they think rules are made to be broken.

Derp SSundee: Those are all traits of an unpredictable guy.

SSundee: No, I'm just a reckless renegade. Alexia is an unpredictable guy!

Alexia: *smashes a chair* Aah! Shut up, SSundee!

Tentacle Monster: I'd say Alexia is more of a cop on the edge with nothing to lose. That's a whole different thing.

JacquelineJacQuay: Now I'm just confused. Is SSundee an unpredictable guy or not?

Derp SSundee: All right, put a pot of coffee on. We'll get to the bottom of this.

SSundee: *groans*

Alexia: Oh, man.

SSundee: *dies*

Nico: The timer starts now! When are they coming back? I say in two months!

Garry: Bullshit. One month.

Alexia : No, half a month.

Rage, sobbing: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SSUNDEE JUST DIED!

Karan, scratching his chin thoughtfully: A week.

Garry: Just be yourself.

SSundee: Really? Garry, I have one day to win over Nico's parents.

SSundee: How long did it take for you to like me?

Nico: A few weeks.

Alexia: Six months.

Rage: The jury is still out.

SSundee: See, Garry? "Just be yourself," what kind of crappy advice is that?!

SSundee : You know, when Zoll (the tentacle creature) comes around, Alexia can get a little...

Garry: Psycho?

Rage: Scary?

Karan: Drunk?

SSundee: All three.

SSundee: Fine! Judge all you want, but...

SSundee, pointing to Biffle: Married an Enderman hybrid.

SSundee, pointing to Alexia: Killed a man in the age of 6.

SSundee, pointing to Henwy: Never grew up and thinks the sun is a planet.

SSundee, pointing to Nico: Is in a relationship with two men.

SSundee, pointing to himself: Has a corrupt guardian angel who wants to kill everyone.

SSundee: Bye Nico! Bye Gold! Bye Alexia! Bye Karan! Bye Nico!

Biffle: You said bye Nico twice.

SSundee: I like Nico.

SSundee: Nico is too big for me to kiss him on the lips. What should I do?

Alexia: Punch them in the stomach. And when they double over in pain, kiss them.

Biffle: Grab them!

Gold: Throw them down.

Karan: Kick them in the shins!

Nico: No, all of that! Just ask me to bend down!!!

(Nico is just a giant)

SSundee: If you had to, who would you beat up: Gold, Alexia, Biffle or Karan?

Nico: Nobody! They're my friends. I wouldn't beat up any of them.

SSundee: Henwy?

Nico: Yes, but I don't know why.

SSundee, rubbing her temples: I'm not proud of what I'm saying now, but someone should bring me a cigarette.

Nico: But SSundee, we don't smoke.

SSundee: Stop this nonsense, Nico. I'm not an idiot. I know that one in five people smoke.

SSundee: *points to Karan* One! *points to Biffle* Two! *points to Gold* Three! *points to Alexia* Four! *points to Nico* Five!

SSundee: Now I'm going to close my eyes, and when I open them, there better be a cigarette between these two fingers!

Alexia: *puts a cigarette in SSundee's hand*

SSundee: Thanks. ...Fire?

The group: *all pull out lighters at the same time*

(By the way, don't do that, it is bad for your health)

SSundee: Man, they look like a real nuisance. How do you deal with them?

*At a dinner party, guests chat while the host is away*

Biffle, yelling at Nico, Karan trying to light a sleeping Gold on fire, and Alexia, choking on air: I don't know either.

SSundee: We have a problem.

Gold: Let me guess, you caused it?

Nico: Give me a second, I'm not drunk enough to listen to this yet.

Karan: And it's Tuesday again, what are you saying?

Biffle: Would shooting you solve the problem? No? Then shut up.

Alexia: If you mean the fire, that's our solution to last week's problem.

Chapter Text

Sigils: If I fall...

Biffle: I'll be there to catch you.

Jerome: *looks at Henwy* What if I fall?

Henwy: Then I'll fall with you and never leave your side.

Zud: *watches these two interactions*

Zud to SSundee: And if I fall?

SSundee: I'll be the one who pushed you.

Biffle: Sigils kissed me!

SSundee: Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!

Biffle: It was amazing!

SSundee: Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!

Nico: Okay, we want to hear everything. SSundee, get the wine and pull out the phone. So, does this end well or do we need tissues?

Biffle: Oh, it ended very well.

SSundee: Don't start without me! Don't start without me!

Nico: Okay, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it a gentle touch of your lips or was it like, you know, "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?

Biffle: So, at first it was really intense, you know? And then, oh god, and then we just kind of got lost in it.

Nico: Ohh... So, okay, did they hold you down? Or were their hands on your back?

Biffle: First they started at my waist, then they slid up and then they were in my hair.

SSundee and Nico: Ohhh.

*meanwhile*

Sigils eating pizza at their house: And, uh, and then I kissed him.

Henwy: Tongue?

Sigils: Yeah.

Zud: Ga-I mean cool

Zud: SSundee, let's go!

SSundee: Oh, yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about writing maybe a letter.

Zud: Okay, you know what? That's it, you had your chance.

SSundee: What-?

Zud: Mom, Dad, SSundee smoked pot in college.

SSundee: You are such a tattletale!

SSundee: Mom, Dad, you remember that time you walked into my room and smelled marijuana? Well, I told you it was Biffle who was smoking the pot but... It was me. I'm sorry.

Zud: And Dad, you know that mail carrier that you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboy's, SSundee did.

SSundee: Yeah, well, hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing Zud did.

Zud: SSundee hasn't worked for a year!

SSundee: Zud and Biffle are living together!

Zud: SSundee married Sigils in Vegas and got divorced AGAIN!

Nico: I love Jacques Cousteau!

Sigils: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!

Henwy: I wanna gooo!!!

SSundee: So, Henwy is late today. Anyone wanna bet why?

SSundee: I say he got stoped for driving a car because of being a child.

Biffle: I don't know about that...I think either his alarm clock didn't go off, or he's in line at the bank.

Sigils: Take this more seriously! Henwy was clearly taken in his sleep!

Nico: I bet he forgot about it.

Zud: Maybe he fell into another dimension where he is more interesting...?

*Henwy arrives*

Henwy: Sorry I'm late - there was a problem at the bank.

Biffle, clapping his hands in excitement: HOT DAMN!

Sigils: *standing at the top of the stairs* What are y'all doing at the bottom of the staircase?

Henwy: I accidentally fell down.

Biffle: SSUNDEE PUSHED ME down the stairs because I refuse to pay THEIR part of our rent!

Nico: Henwy bet me fifty bucks that I couldn't reach the bottom of the stairs faster than they did falling down it, so I slide down the banister to get my money.

Zud: I don't know how I got here. One moment, I was sleeping in my bed, three floors up, and then suddenly I was waking up here, just in time to get crushed by Nico.

Zud: Many people are mildly dehydrated and don't realize it. You should drink at least six glasses of water per day.

Henwy: No, eight glasses!

Biffle: I heard ten.

Sigils: You need to drink at least five glasses of water per minute.

*Later...*

SSundee: Okay, I just read through every study I could find to try to figure out whether low-grade dehydration is even a real thing.

Zud: What did you learn?

SSundee: If you spend all day doing research and forget to eat or drink, you start to feel pretty bad.

Henwy: I'll get some water.

SSundee: But how many glas–whoa, feeling dizzy.

Nico: Maybe you should just drink straight from the tap.

SSundee: I put the pun in punishment.

Nico: I put the top in unstoppable.

Gold: I put the cute in execute.

Biffle: I put the sexy in dyslexia.

*Wait a second...Bifgils*

Henwy: I put the ass in class.

Zud: So, did everyone learn their lesson?

Sigils: No.

Henwy: I didn't.

Nico: I may have actually forgotten one.

Biffle: No, either.

Zud: Oh well, me neither.

SSundee as teacher: *Exhausted sigh*

SSundee: From now on we will be using code names.

SSundee: You can address me as Eagle One.

SSundee: Henwy is "traumatised British child". SSundee: Sigils is "Single". SSundee: Zud is "A-door-able". SSundee: Nico is "Sweat". SSundee: And Biffle is...

SSundee: Eagle Two

Biffle: Oh thank god.

Sigils: My mom is calling... hi mom.

Zud: Come on guys, stop. They're trying to talk to their mom.

SSundee: *screams loud Foot*

Biffle: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Nico: *is asleep*

Henwy: *gets really close to the phone* Tell her I said hi.

Sigils: What do you all intend on majoring in?

Zud: Respecting women.

Henwy: Minecraft.

Nico: Criminal justice and psychology.

SSundee: I'm terrified that I'll lock myself into an interest that I'll no longer be passionate about in a few years like all the other areas of study I've pursued over my life!

Biffle: Minecraft as well.

SSundee: Are you trying to give me a fucking heart attack?

Biffle: Pretty sure we all are.

Henwy: I wasn't...until last Among us recording.

Sigils: I was.

Nico: I was trying to stop them, for your consideration.

Zud: I just cause heart attacks naturally.

*The Squad when asked about their earlier confession of love*

Henwy: Yeah, you're lucky. I like you.

Biffle: I'd understand if you didn't feel the same way...

Sigils: *has a panic attack* What confession?

Nico: *winks* I know, babe. You like me too.

SSundee: So what? Are you going to date me or not?

Zud: It was a dare.

Sigils: What's the worst thing you guys have done?

Biffle: Rickrolled my teacher in 4th grade.

Henwy: I kicked Nico in the shin-

Nico: -So I kicked Henwy between the legs.

SSundee: I burned a town down.

Sigils: What?!

Nico: What the hell is wrong with you?!?

SSundee: A lot of things.

Biffle: No shit.

Biffle: Did you bring Henwy?

SSundee, gesturing to Sigils: No, but I brought the next best thing.

Biffle: Sigils? The next best thing would be Nico.

Nico: I would be offended, but Nico is freakishly strong.

Henwy: Why aren't there friend pick up lines? Pick up lines to make friends like-

Henwy, to Nico: Hey, that's a cute outfit. You know where it would look better? On nobody else, because you're a beautiful individual.

SSundee, to Biffle: Be my friend or I'll set your entire family on fire.

Sigils: There are two types of people.

*The Squad's cooking skills*

Biffle: *master chef*

Nico: *knows a few recipes*

Henwy: *can follow instructions on a box*

Sigils: *made toast once*

SSundee: *banned from the kitchen*

Nico: So don't panic but one of us is possessed by an owl....

SSundee: ....

Henwy: .....

Sigils: ......

Biffle: ...Who?

Nico: That's the thing we don't-

*Everyone stares at Biffle*

Nico: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.

SSundee: This knife is actually a magic wand.

Sigils: Meet me in the Denny's parking lot for a wizard duel.

Henwy: *loads airsoft gun* Magic missile.

Biffle: What the fuck is wrong with you people.

POV: Biffle luck be like

Nico: Team A will consist of myself, Henwy, Sigils, and SSundee.

Nico: Team B will consist of Biffle.

*Everyone is giving advice to Sigils*

Nico: It's okay to ask for help.

Biffle: You're not a burden.

SSundee: Murder is okay.

Henwy: Your feelings matter.

SSundee: God, if only someone loved me...

Biffle: *standing behind them with roses*

Nico: *holding box of chocolates*

Henwy: *has balloons and a card*

Almost 24 Mio. People: *subscribed to his channel*

Sigils: *facepalms* This is sad.

(Well, you have to know it...)

Biffle: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful couple...

Jerome: I really care about your feelings!

Henwy: I really care about YOUR feelings!

Biffle, turning their head: ...and then there's the disaster couple...

SSundee: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL!

Nico: I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU!

SSundee: Hey, can we stay in your dorm tonight?

Sigils: Why?

SSundee: Biffle fiddled with an ouija board and cursed ours.

Henwy: Nico doesn't know how to banish spirits, so he just throws salt at them and yells: "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A HOTEL TO YOU?!"

SSundee: Guys, I've been meaning to tell you... Nico, Crainer and I are dating.

Sigils, Biffle, Nico, and Henwy and Crainer: *gasp*

SSundee: Nico and Crainer, why are you surprised?!

Lookumz: Hey, Pat! Do you wanna go celebrate with me?

Pat: Lookumz, you know I can't be seen in public with you.

Lookumz: Okay, a simple "No" would be fine.

Sigils, about SSundee and Biffle: My god, would you two just get a room already?

Biffle: Excuse me, Sigils?

Sigils: You both just keep agreeing about horrifying things and relishing everybody else's misery. So seriously, when's the wedding?

SSundee: ...

Henwy: I ship it!

Nico: CAN YOU NOT?

*The squad is at a dinner party, but someone has been murdered*

SSundee: You're acting pretty carefree for someone who's life's at stake. Who's to say you aren't the killer?

Biffle: It's a murder, not a tax audit. I'll be fine.

Zud: What about Henwy? Nobody ever suspects Henwy!

Rage: Well, what about Sigils? They have a gun!

Sigils: SSundee has a knife.

SSundee: Yeah, for fun, not for murder! *Stabs Biffle in the arm*

Nico: Where's Biffle?

Henwy: Doing stuff.

Nico: I don't like the sound of that. Where's Sigils?

Henwy: Trying to stop Biffle from doing the stuff.

Nico: And SSundee?

Henwy: Trying to stop Sigils from stopping Biffle from doing the stuff.

Nico: I see. And what are you doing here, Henwy?

Henwy: I'm supposed to stop you from stopping SSundee from stopping Sigils from stopping Biffle from doing the stuff.

Henwy: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?

SSundee: Several traffic violations.

Biffle: Three counts of resisting arrest.

Nico: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.

Sigils: Also, that's not our car.

Henwy: I've done a lot of dumb stuff.

SSundee: I witnessed the dumb stuff.

Nico: I recorded the dumb stuff.

Sigils: I joined you in the dumb stuff.

Biffle: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!

SSundee: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell.

Zud, Karan, Henwy, and Biffle: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell!

Zud: Sigils's first detention, I'm so proud.

Lookumz: Whoa, back up. Why did they get detention?

SSundee: Because they're an idiot.

Henwy, terrified: They can do that??

Sigils: You're just jealous. All my friends tell me I remind them of Henwy.

The Squad: *screaming*

Kate: You look like Henwy? Are you out of your fucking MIND?

SSundee: Henwy, sweetie, I am SO sorry. I am SO SORRY that an ugly-ass bitch like this would even say that. Oh my god.

Kate: Henwy? Henwy? Henwy? You know who you fucking look like? You fucking look like Pat!

Teacher SSundee: What do you do when someone offers you drugs?

Henwy: Take them!

Sigils: Punch them in the neck!

Lookumz: Say thank you!

Kate: Offer them more drugs to assert dominance!

Teacher SSundee: ...

Teacher SSundee: No.

Pat: What scares you guys the most?

Henwy: Werewolves!

Lookumz: Sharks.

Nico: The unstoppable marching of time that is slowly guiding us all towards an inevitable death.

Sigils:

Sigils: Ian's Snap.

Alxton: What does "take out" mean?

Sigils: Food.

Mitzefy: Dating.

SSundee: Murder.

Henwy: It can be all three if you're brave enough.

Alxton, turning to SSundee: Stop calling yourself lit, the only thing you can light on is the campfire.

Lookumz: Wow, Pat, you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you.

Pat: We literally slept together yesterday.

Lookumz: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.

Alxton: *very seriously* You need to stop doing weird things to cope with the stress. Going outside might help.

Gold: I went to the park today.

Alxton: There you go! I hope you got something from that.

Gold: *opening their coat* This duck.

Alxton: Hey, what's up?

Kate: The sky.

Alxton: No, I meant like, what are you doing?

Kate: Oh, Mitzefy.

Mitzefy: *high fives Kate* Nice!

Sigils: Why is everyone so obsessed with top or bottom? Honestly, I'd just be excited to have a bunk bed.

Alxton: ...

Alxton: I'm gonna tell him.

SSundee: Don't you dare.

Mitzefy, gardening: Hey, can you bring me the hoe?

Gold: Yeah, sure.

*A few minutes later*

Gold: Here you go.

Mitzefy:

Gold:

SSundee: Why am I here?

Pat: The fastest way to a Lookumz' heart is through be-

Kate: Chest cavity.

Pat: ...

Pat: ...Being able to mod.

*Alxton is considering cancelling plans, and Sigils and Zud are advising them on what to do*

Sigils: Just don't go.

Zud: Say you're ill!

Sigils: Pretend to break your leg.

SSundee: Really break your leg!

Sigils: If Lookumz and I were drowning, who would you save?

Alxton: You two can't swim?

Sigils: It's a hypothetical question, Alxton! Who would you save?

Alxton: My time and effort.

Kate, watching Sigils do something stupid: SSundee, you're officially only the second highest risk here.

SSundee: Hell yeah! I'm gonna—

Kate: Don't finish that sentence, you'll move back up.

Kate: Why don't I like this person?

Mitzefy: I don't know. Maybe it's because he keeps stealing your thunder.

Kate: Maybe it's because his name is "Lookumz". Don't you find that utterly ridiculous?

Henwy: No.

Kate: That's because your name is "Hen-w-y".

Gold: *heading out to see Karan*

Sigils: Don't do anything I wouldn't do!

Gold: I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

Zud: Do you feel any better?

Siimii: I feel much better now that you here with me.

*SSundee walks in*

Siimii: I feel half better.

Alxton: Well, I'm very sorry to hear about your mother.

Sigils: Mmm, we aren't really that close.

Alxton: Oh, good.

Siimii: Look, I know you think my judgement's clouded because I like Zud little bit.

Kate, holding Siimii's notepad: You doodled your wedding invitation.

Siimii: No, that's our joint tombstone.

Kate: My mistake.

Henwy: Where are you going?

SSundee: Hell, eventually.

Zud: I don't remember that.

Karan: Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door?

Zud: ...No.

Karan: Okay, do you remember when you were chased by those wild dogs for two miles?

Zud: Not especially, no.

Karan: It was in between those two things.

Gold, at an awards show: Well, first of all, I'd like to thank Karan, the love of my life, for telling me Biffle was going to win so don't bother to prepare a speech.

Kate: Karan is so...

Alxton: Annoying?

Mitzefy: Cute?

Sigils: Funny?

Lookumz: Weird?

Kate: I don't know, maybe if y'all let me FINISH for ONCE IN MY LIFE, I'd tell you!

Karan: I'm taking a look at your numbers, and it doesn't look good. You have a lot of measurements. Quite a few variables.

Zud: Is that... bad?

Karan: Variables are the #1 risk factor for outcomes. The past is a big contributor to the future.

Zud: Isn't that just causality?

Karan: Causality is the leading cause of death in this country.

Zud: So what are my odds?

Karan: Do you have a family history?

Zud: Of what?

Karan: Just, in general.

Zud: ...Yes?

Karan: Oh no.

SSundee: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.

Mitzefy: Two wrongs don't make a right.

Lookumz: *sighs* That's true...

Lookumz: But to negatives make a positive!!!

Alxton: Shut up, you're messing with my train of thought!

Garry: I thought you didn't have a brain and now you say you have thoughts?

Siimii: Well, has SSundee been wrong before?

Pat: How wide are we willing to open this up?

Biffle: I never said I was gonna get back together with them. But I was thinking, they're in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave them a call?

Henwy: No. No, Biffle, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one: a super volcano. Number two: an asteroid hits the Earth. Number three: All the Evel Knievel movies are lost. Number four: Biffle calls Sigils. Number five: Pat gets eaten by a shark.

Pat: I'm Pat, and I approve the order of that list.

SSundee: *sighs*

Henwy: You bored?

SSundee: Yeah.

Henwy: Wanna start drama for no reason?

SSundee: I thought you'd never ask.

(Oh no...CM2!Henwy und IC!SSundee...)

Zud: Biffle? You just drove through a stop sign without stopping.

Biffle: I'll stop twice on the way back.

SSundee: You can track Henwy?

Gold: Of course I can. If the NSA can do it, so can I.

Mitzefy: Why is SSundee making me do the dishes again? You haven't washed them in a week, Biffle!

Biffle: It's because I'm SSundee's favourite.

Mitzefy: I hate you.

Nico *from the off* NO, ME AND CRAINER TOOK THAT SPOT!

Henwy: I want to be with you for the rest of my life.

Jerome: Damn, that sounds like a marriage proposal.

Henwy, getting down on one knee: That's 'cause it is...!

Chapter Text

SSundee x Crainer x Nicovald = Crundeevald

Biffle x Sigils = Bifgils

Henwy x Jerome = Jernwy

Zud x Siimii = Ziimmii

Helloiamkate x Alxton = HelloiamAlxton

Frostdaye x Florian x Rafessor = Flossordaye (Do not ASK)

Garryblox x PatP x Lookumz = Patumzblox

GoldActual x Karan = KaranActual

Ambrew x LoafX = LobrewX

Zud x Sigils = Zugils

Zud x Sigils x Biffle= Zugiffle

Biffle x SSundee = SSiffle

SSundee x Henwy = SSunwy

Mitzefy x Helloiamkate = Katefy

SSundee x Sigils = SSungils

Henwy x Biffle = Biffnwy

Madelyn x SSundee

Biffle x Maia

Jojosolos x Mitzefy

Kate x Mitzefy = Katify

Zud x SSundee: ZZudee

Sigils x Henwy = Hengils

Henwy x Wisp = Winwy (Idk?)

Garry x Autumn (I'm so happy for them)

Yes I'm multishipper deal with it

Chapter Text

It was a beautiful day. The Regulars and the Irregulars hang out together, eating ice cream. With them was Alexia, Shadow and Zoll. They had been friends for Eternity. Ok, maybe not all of them. Alexia, SSundee, Sigils, Zud and Henwy were siblings. I named the oldest first. Me? Oh, I'm just a storyteller. Don't need to care about me. Nothing special.

Where did I stop? Ah, right, the ice cream. It was a nice, sunny day. Peaceful. SSundee and Nico did discuss something quietly while Zud, Sigils, Kate and Biffle debated loud, with full mouth, about what the best ice cream flavour was.

Zud screamed, with confidence: "It is clearly Blueberry!" "No way, its Chocolate", Sigils opposed. "I like pistachio more," Biffle added. Kate rolled her eyes: "It is banana, guys!" "I love you Biffle, but pistachio sucks!" his boyfriend interrupted him. Zud crossed his arms. "I must agree Sigils there, Austin. Pistachio sucks." Zoll laughed at their little debate. "I like Strawberry more", Shadow intervened from behind. He was eating his cone with two big ice cream balls of raspberry and strawberry.

"Wowowo!", Jerome exclaimed. "Strawberry is so...unoriginal. Like chocolate." –"Chocolate is the best"-"I prefer something like yogurt or melon." "If I want to eat yogurt, I just eat a normal one, not eat it as an ice cream flavour", Zoll interjected. "What's your favourite flavour then?" Zud asked in a grumpy tone. "The best flavour in the world is definitely Cherry. Nothing else is as sweet as one ice cream ball made from this delicious fruit. SSundee who had already finished his ice, jumped in: "I believe it is apple." Nico added in a mischievous tone: "What, because the chemicals in it are toxic like you? "There is no other option than vanilla." They debated the best flavour, when they suddenly heard silent laughter.

Henwy, their youngest person here, sat on Alexia's lap, which was under the tree leaning against the log. Henwy was holding her half eaten ice cream cone, happily smiling while he licked the ice cream. "And, how do you like "Four Seasons"?" the oldest one asked the boy. "I love it," he shouted, "It's just the best mix...I mean, who had the brilliant idea to mix all flavours in one Cup of Ice?"

Chapter Text

Henwy: Your smug self-assuredness is revolting.

Biffle: I think we need to validate self confidence more, lest you end up angry at others for having even a sliver of it. I've done nothing wrong and I have a heart of gold.

Nico: I think this message is extremely valid, but also Biffle has implied wanting to set off the Yellowstone supervolcano, so what's the truth?

Biffle: I want to set it off.

Henwy: You're mean!

SSundee : You're meaner!

Henwy: Yeah, well, you're ugly too!

SSundee : You're uglier!

Henwy: You're a dumbass!

SSundee : You're a dumberass!

Henwy: You think "dumberass" is a good insult!

Biffle: Come to dinner tonight. I can't cook, but I'll bring plenty of free wine.

Henwy: Marry me.

Kate: Two years ago, I married my best friend.

Kate: Sigils is still mad about it, but me and Nico were drunk and thought it was funny.

Zud: *holding a salt packet* It's just a little sodium chloride.

Nico: Actually Kate, it's salt.

Zud: That's what I said, sodium chloride.

Nico: Uh Kate, that would be salt.

Nico: *takes salt packer from Kate* This is iodized table salt, which in addition to sodium chloride contains anti-caking agents and potassium iodate, which is added to prevent iodine deficiency. So not only are you being overly pretentious by insisting on using scientific terminology for everyday items, you are factually wrong. Your arrogance is your downfall, you annoying little shit.

Kate: We're playing Scrabble. It's a nightmare.

Zud: Scrabble? Scrabble's great.

Kate: Not when you're playing with Nico, it's not. They put words like "ephemeral" and I put "dog."

Biffle as a child: I can't wait to grow up and have cool adventures!

Biffle now: I can't wait to go to bed.

SSundee: Protip is you do not feel good about yourself after eating tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce.

Kate: What's wrong with you??

SSundee: I literally JUST said I ate tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce?? Pay attention.

Gold: No, she mean other than that.

SSundee: Ohhhhhh.

SSundee: I haven't slept in 4 days.

Gold: What doesn't kill me better start running, because now I'm fucking pissed.

Henwy: Come on, Zud! How any times do I have to apologize?

Zud: Once!

Henwy: ...No.

Henwy: I don't know how to tell you this, but...I love you.

Sigils: That's great, Hen. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 6 fucking years.

Karan: I love you.

Henwy: Me too.

Henwy: Biffle, I got suspended from school...

Biffle: WHAT?!?! What did you do?

Henwy: My teacher pointed at me with a ruler, and he said "there is an idiot at the end of this ruler".

Biffle: And...?

Henwy: I asked which end...

Biffle, unable to contain his laughter: Okay, you just made my day.

Zud: So according to the cease and desist order I got, apparently you can't 'legally' be a lawyer if your license is 'cut out of a cereal box'.

Karan: I'm sick and tired of being called ‚mortal' like, you don't know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It's rude.

*talking on the phone*

Maya: Remember how I said that Siimii and I were gonna have a calm girls night out for once?

Kate: Yeah...

Maya: Well, we're in jail.

Kate: *hangs up*

Gold: Every zoo is a petting zoo unless you're a coward.

Siimii: I'm worried about you.

Zud: We always used to do the Wordle rather than take notes in class.

Zud: To stop us the teacher would always threaten to tell us the answer if we didn't pay attention.

Kate: Please could you go to the shop and get a carton of milk, if they have avacodos get six.

Biffle, coming back from the store with six cartons of milk: They had avacados!

SSundee: I love cooking breakfast. It makes the whole house smell like bacon.

Karan: That's true, but it also smells like fire and panic.

SSundee: You and the smoke detector need to get off my case.

Mitzefy: I literally cannot believe I let you talk me into this.

SSundee: I literally said "I have an idea," and you just went along with it without question.

Sigils: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

Henwy: An apple a day can keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

Garry: Yeah, I'm a false prophet, but you believed me, so whose fault is it really that we're in this mess?

Cop: What are your names?

Garry: Don't tell him, Pat.

Cop, writing: Pat...

Garry: Crap.

Pat: Nice going, Garry.

Cop:

Pat: Uh oh.

Pat: What do rainbows mean to you?

Sigils: Gay rights.

Henwy: There's money.

Jerome: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood.

Nico: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into ist continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops.

Sigils, about Lookumz: They're speaking some kind of French.

Gold: Let me handle it. I speak Spanish. It's the same thing.

Jerome: Nico, you're testifying in an aggravated assault case tomorrow, and the D.A. is worried about how you'll present yourself on the stand.

Nico: Why? I'm fine on the stand!

*flashback to Testimony #1*

Nico: Look, I'll make this real simple so even these dumdums can understand.

Nico, to the jury: MAN DID CRIME.

*flashback to Testimony #2*

Nico: I'm sorry, could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face?

Defense Attorney, next to the crying defendant: ...Crying?

*flashback to Testimony #3*

Nico: And when this is over, I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna break those little fingers.

Judge: Could the witness please stop threatening the stenographer?

Lookumz, bleeding out on the ground: Blood loss? No, I know exactly where it is.

Biffle: Hey, Pat, have you thought about having children?

Pat: ...

Pat: Does looking over you and the others not seem like I already do? Because I promise you, it sure feels like it.

Biffle: But we're not childr-

Pat, already distracted: KARAN, PUT THE FIRE DOWN!

*The gang is about to do something dangerous*

Biffle: Shouldn't someone give a pep talk?

Mitzefy: Go ahead.

Biffle: Be careful.

Biffle: Don't die.

Pat: *Holds back a laugh*

Mitzefy: Great. We're all bloody inspired.

Pat: *watching the squad's shenanigans with concern* Do you feel like this has gotten out of hand?

Kate: I don't know. Feels normal enough for a group that's on 911's blocked callers list.

Mitzefy: Go to hell!

SSundee: Oh! I've been there, thank you. I found it quite lovely.

SSundee: If you want my advice-

Jerome: No offense but you're the last person I want relationship advice from. You tried to kill your significant other. Multiple times.

SSundee: First off, that was before we started dating. Secondly, he also tried to kill me.

Sigils: It's true. It was mutually attempted murder.

Jerome: *walking around disappointed after visiting an aquarium*

Mitzefy: Jerome, what did you think a tiger shark was?

Pat: The first time I ever got upset in front of SSundee, he put his arms around me and it was so awkward that I had to ask him if they were hugging me or reaching for something on the shelf behind me.

SSundee: I was doing both, for your information.

Siimii: The first time SSundee hugged me, it was such a disaster we didn't make eye contact for, like, a week after.

Kate: How petty can you get?

Siimii: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

Nico: I am strong! I beat Karan at arm wrestling!

Jerome: Anyone can beat Karan at arm wrestling!

Karan: Hey-

SSundee: Do you want to know your gay name?

Sigils: My... my gay name?

SSundee: Yeah, it's your first name-

Sigils: Haha. Very funny Ian-

SSSundee: *gets down on one knee* And my last name.

Sigils: Oh- oh my god.

Garry: You're not my friend anymore.

SSundee: I was your friend?

Sigils: What do you do for a living?

Nico: I exist against my will.

Biffle: If bees can be fish and boys can be girls, then why can't my dad love me?

SSundee: I thought I was going to have to yell at you, but now I think I should hug you.

Henwy, with airsoft gun: WHO ATE MY BREAD?!

Henwy: I'M GOING TO FUCKING K-

Biffle: I did?

Henwy: Kiss you and buy some more, you haven't been eating anything today Biffle.

Henwy: *walks away*

Biffle:

Biffle: He's gone Nico.

Nico, coming out the closet with bread stuffed in their mouth: Twankh uh!

Jerome: Sorry Siimii, I was thinking...

Kate: I wish I could do that!

Zud: We'll get back into there or die trying.

Henwy: No one's dying.

Zud: Not with that attitude.

Karan: You're drunk.

SSundee: Correction: drinking. Present tense. Grammar, Karan.

Garry: I'm terrible at expressing myself.

Biffle: Don't worry, actions speak louder than words!

Garry: Yes, but my actions are also bad.

Lookumz: Are you sure Biffle's even gay? He barely even looked at me.

Henwy: ...

Henwy: *pulls out Airsoft gun*

Maia: Biffle is playing hard to get.

Maia: Little do they know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.

Mitzefy, holding a rock: Pat just gave this to me and said „I feel like you deserve the moon but all I can give you is a rock".

Lookumz: If you don't marry him, I will.

Sigils: You know, Jojo gives Mitzefy flowers everyday, I wish you'd do that too.

SSundee: Okay.

*Later*

SSundee: *gives Mitzefy flowers*

Mitzefy: ???

SSundee: I don't know, I'm confused as well.

Sigils: I'm so happy, I could kiss you!

Biffle: Um...Neat.

*later*

Henwy, lying face down on his bed: I said „Neat," SSundee. Who the fuck says neat these days? It's not neat to say neat but I said it anyways because I'm fucking stupid.

SSundee, reading a book: Don't beat yourself up too much, Henwy. Everyone gets nervous sometimes. Remember what I did when Sigils confessed his love for me?

Henwy: Didn't you thank him?

SSundee: *closes the book and looks at the ceiling* I fucking thanked him.

Sigils: Come on, Jerome. Nobody actually believes that SSundee is in love with me.

Jerome, to The group: Raise your hand if you think that SSundee is helplessly in love with Sigils.

*Everyone raises their hand*

Lookumz: Ian, put your hand down.

Biffle: What do you want to be for Halloween?

Mitzefy: Yours.

Biffle:

Biffle: ...yeah, that would be pretty scary.

Siimii: When you said ‚Magic in Bed', I wasn't expecting this...

Zud: *pulls out card from deck* Now, was this your card?

Siimii: Holy moly-

Kate: Stay foxy.

Gold: Die lonely.

SSundee: If I say I love you, will you say it back?

Sigils: Yes.

SSundee: I love you.

Sigils: It back.

*Later*

Nico: Why is Ian crying face-down on the floor?

Mitzefy: *finds a note* Hmm, whats this?

Biffle: Hey, that's mine! *tries to grab it*

Mitzefy: Aww, it's a love note for Henwy?

Biffle: No-

Mitzefy: *opens it*

Mitzefy:

Biffle:

Mitzefy: I can't read this.

Henwy: My crush isn't picking up on my hints.

Jerome: What hints have you given them?

Henwy: Well, I think about him a lot.

Henwy: And sometimes I even think about talking to him.

Siimii: I know you love him.

SSundee: I am not in love with Sigils!

Siimii, staring at SSundee: I never said who...

Lookunz: Look at me straight in the eyes and tell me the truth, Pat!

Pat: You can't expect me to look into your eyes and be straight.

Lookumz: We've been dropping him the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.

Garry: Wow. He sounds stupid.

Pat: But he's not. He's really smart actually. Just dense.

Garry: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don't know... "Hey! I love you!"

Lookumz and Pat: I guess you're right. Hey Garry, I love you.

Garry: See! Just say that!

Pat: Holy fucking shit.

Garry: If that flies over his head then, sorry boys, but he's too dumb for you.

Lookumz: Garry.

Mitzefy: Pros and cons of dating me.

Mitzefy: Pros. You'll be the cute one.

Mitzefy: Cons. Holy shit, where do I begin-

Biffle: It's pretty cold outside.. wanna hold hands? We should stay close.

Henwy, blushing: Okay.

Nico:

Lookumz:

Kate:

Garry:

Jerome:

Sigils:

SSundee: It's fucking summer.

Jerome, to SSundee: Did you confess to Andrew yet?

SSundee:

Karan: *sees Garry, Pat and Lookumz together*

Karan: They're cute. I would put them on a boat.

Siimii: You mean...you ship them?

Pat, walking into Lookumz and Garry's bedroom in the middle of the night: I had a bad dream.

Lookumz: What was it about?

Garry: No, don't ask him that!

Lookumz: Why not?

Kate: Cause he'll answer!

SSundee: Do you love Gold?

Karan: Yeah, I do.

SSundee: Pat! I told you I knew it! You owe me 100 bucks!

Pat: We all love Gold. You should've asked if they were IN love with them.

Karan: I thought that was implied.

Pat: ...

SSundee: ...

Karan, looking straight at Pat: Congrats SSundee, you just won 100 bucks.

Kate: I can't take this anymore, someone needs to take me out!

Siimii: In a dating type of way, or an assassination type of way?

Kate: I don't know, surprise me!

Siimii: I love you.

Zud: I love you too. I've waited so long to hear you say that.

*Siimii and Zud kiss passionately*

Kate, to Garry: You owe me 20 dollars.

Pat/Lookumz: I have feelings for you.

Garry: Why? What's wrong with you? Are you sure you're okay?

Sigils: Mitzefy annoyed me today so I told them that I can't wait to see what they have planned for our special day tomorrow.

Henwy: There is nothing special about tomorrow.

Sigils: But there is something special about watching the color leave their face as panic takes over.

Chapter Text

He stirred the green potion. If he was done, he was able to get back what he missed the most. The process was a difficult one, but the price of a live was worth it. With the ingredients he collected only for this use he was able to get his love back.

The others just saw the overstressed older one sad about the loss of a regular, not his true emotions. Andrew...I know I never confessed...but I love you, man. Please...please let this work. Phoenix tears, 30° C. Now...the teeth of a tiger, stomped into crumbles. Blood of the reviver. Never told them. But he wouldn't experience the day after Sigils' revival. Oh well. Silver moonlight. Moss of December 24th.

He was almost done, when he felt the tiredness taking over, making him heavy and slow. Even though he never told so, he stayed up late for that project. He suppressed a yawn, before trying to decipher the words of the old book of speels and potions before slowly closing the pot and heading in bed for a few hours. The staircase felt like forever, and he could've sworn hearing a noise once he reached the end of the staircase down in the basement, but at the same time a rat hushed by hunted by their cat Spotty. Yeah, that probably was it. A rat or a mouse. Not like his lab was that interesting anyways. The next staircase was too far away, so he let just drop himself on the couch, the cold moonlight shining on the tired man, who dived in deep sleep before even putting down his shades. His deep breaths filled the living room, covering a slight noise.

But when he woke up in the next morning around seven hours later, something felt wrong. It was just in the ... air. He checked quick his belongings, while trying to tidy his hair. Shades, wallet, phone. Fast he left the room while trying to tame his messy hair and taking to steps in once down the staircase, to face a nightmare. The pot was gone, the potion book closed. The spoon careless laying on the table. With a bad feeling he sprinted upstairs, not caring about shoes, jumping in the car while grabbing his keys, driving unshowered, without cleaning his teeth or even having his morning coffee. It just felt weird. Was it the car missing? The potion gone? The fact it was the 8. April? The last curve to the graveyard. His heart skipping a beat when he saw the car in the parking lot, black with four colours. He left his own car quicker than a lightning, not caring about closing the door, rushing in the graveyard to bump straight in three people holding something. Green liquid running over his face and shades. He tried to cough out the bit he accidentally had swallowed in a delayed reflex. Nico, Henwy and Biffle screamed up in surprise. He was able to see the spell book in Nico's fingers, Henwy's worried expression and Biffle's dislike of his future actions and concern for him now. The world started to move beneath his feet, spinning like a carousel before turning completely black.

Shit. This wasn't supposed happen.

Chapter Text

Nico: I'm the smartest person in my friend group.

Sigils: You hang out with Henwy, Zud, SSundee, and Biffle.

Sigils: It's not as high a compliment as you think.

Nico: We're kind of missing something guys.

Henwy: Cohesion?

Zud: Teamwork?

Sigils: A general sense of what we're doing?

Biffle: And SSundee is not here.

Henwy: Oh, and that, yeah.

Sigils: Henwy is late again.

Biffle: How did this happen? I called him at 8 o'clock this morning and pretended it was 11.

Zud: I printed up a fake schedule for him saying we were starting at 9 instead of noon.

Nico: I set his clock to say PM when it's really AM.

Sigils: Oh boy. We may have overdone it.

*Henwy bursts through the door*

Henwy: WHAT TIME IS IT?

Henwy: Why are your tongues purple?

Nico: We had slushies. I had a blue one.

Sigils: I had a red one.

Henwy: oh...Henwy:

Henwy: OH.

Biffle:

Biffle: You drank each other's slushies?

Sigils:

Henwy:

Biffle:

Nico: You're right Sigi, strawberry tastes horrible.

Sigils: That's what I said.

Henwy: *blushes embarrassed* Oh...

Henwy: Hey, let's mess with Nico, guys!

Zud: Hey, Nico, your momma so fat-

Nico: My mom committed multiple war crimes and is now locked in solitary confinement in a Bolivian prison.

Sigils: Well, uh- your dad-

Nico: My father left when I was two to be captured and consequentially sacrificed by a group of feral ferrets.

Zud: The fuck-

Biffle: Well then...

Henwy: Stop, Biffle!

Biffle: Your grandparents so-

Nico: My grandmother floated into the sky like a balloon with too much helium when my grandfather spontaneously combusted.

Nico: You cannot best me, mortals.

*afterwards*

SSundee: ...Why are the others starring at the wall?

Nico: *shrugs*

Henwy: Who the fuck broke the toaster?

Nico: It was SSundee.

Sigils: It was Ian.

Zud: SSundee broke it.

SSundee:

SSundee: ...YOU PROMISED-

Alexia: *makes another stroke without saying anything*

Karan: ...34?!

Henwy: What's the scariest horror movie you've ever watched?

Nico: IT.

Sigils: Annabelle.

Biffle: Paranormal Activity.

Zud: High School Musical. All throughout high school I was scared that everyone was gonna randomly get up and start singing and dancing, and I would be the only one who doesn't know the words.

Zud: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life.

Biffle: Self-esteem, haven't seen you in years!

Nico: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!

Sigils: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!

Henwy: My moral code, is that you?

Zud:

Zud: I was just gonna show you this cool trunk my mother left me but do you guys need a hug?

Henwy: How do you connect with a fictional character?

Nico: What?

Zud: What?

Biffle: What?

Sigils: * pulls up a 500 slide presentation* I'm glad you asked.

Alexia, teleports in: Sigi is lonely again-

Alexia:

Alexia: *runs away*

Henwy: Guys... the principal just called—

Zud: It was Biffle!

Biffle: It was Nico!

Nico: It was Sigils!

Sigils: It was SSundee!

SSundee, looks up from his coffee tired: Mr. Miller didn't allow me to sleep in his classes.

Nico: There is no future. There is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.

Biffle:

Henwy:

Sigils:

Everyone else At Nico's Surprise Birthday Party:

Biffle: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.

Henwy: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am-

Biffle: A soft heart.

Sigils: A cinnamon roll.

Nico: A sweetheart.

Henwy:

Henwy: ...Stop it.

Biffle: Sigi, I'm sad.

Sigils: * Holds out arms for a hug* It's going to be okay.

Henwy: Nico, I'm sad.

Nico, nodding: Mood.

Biffle, banging on the door: SSundee! Open up!

SSundee, from the other side: Well, it all started when I was a kid...

Henwy: No, he meant-

Sigils: Let him finish.

Henwy: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

Biffle: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

Nico: A realist sees a freight train.

Sigils: The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

Biffle: Hen isn't answering his phone.

Nico: I'll call.

Biffle: Sigils and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi-

Henwy: Hello?

Cop: You're receiving a ticket for having three people on one motorcycle.

Biffle: Shit.

Nico: Wait, three?

Cop: Yeah?

Henwy: OH MY GOD ZUD FELL OFF!!!

Biffle: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Sigils: I've been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Henwy: I got distracted about halfway through.

Nico: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

Biffle, setting down a card: Ace of spades.

Nico, pulling out an Uno card: +4.

Henwy, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you!

Sigils, trembling: What are we playing?!

SSundee, smirks: If your HP go below zero, you lose.

Henwy: Where's Biffle?

Nico: Don't worry, I'll find him.

Nico, shouting: Sigils sucks!

Biffle, distantly: Sigils is the best person ever! Fuck you!

Nico: Found him.

SSundee: You can de-escalate any situation by simply saying, 'Are we about to kiss?'

SSundee: Doesn't work for getting out of speeding tickets, by the way.

Henwy: You seem familiar, have I threatened you before?

Sigils: You bought a taco?

SSundee: Yes.

Sigils: From the same truck that hit Zud?!

SSundee, with a mouthful of taco: Well, me starving ain't gonna help him.

Sigils: We need a distraction.

SSundee: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?

Zud, whispering: My time has come...

Sigils: Come on, I wasn't that drunk last night.

SSundee: You were flirting with Zud.

Sigils: So what? He's my partner.

SSundee: You asked him if he was single.

Sigils:

SSundee: And then you cried when he said he wasn't.

Sigils: If you had to choose between Zud and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose?

SSundee: That depends, how much money are we taking about?

Zud: SSundee!

Sigils: 63 cents.

SSundee: I'll take the money.

Zud: Ian!!!

Sigils: Fitness tip: Never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why not keep going? Why not 9? Why not 10? Strive for greatness.

SSundee: Next time you're working out do 15 push ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat a whole cake instead of just a slice. Burn your ex's house down. You can do it. I believe in you.

Rage: There were so many mixed messages in that I can't-

Sigils: Are you sure this is the right direction?

Karan: Certainly, I'm as sure as I am honest!

Rage: In that case, we're definitely lost.

Zud: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no idea what to put in them. Any suggestions?

Jerome: Put spaghetti in it.

Zud: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you.

Henwy: Put spaghetti in it.

Zud: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you two.

Karan: Put spaghetti in it.

Zud: I am no longer taking suggestions.

Kate: So what do you do?

Henwy: I work in genetic research, and I'm currently trying to eliminate all Cancers.

Kate: Wow, impressive.

Henwy: Then I'll move on to Leos.

Rage: Can you keep a secret?

Henwy: Do you know anything about my life?

Rage: No I do not. Good point.

Jerome: Oh just so you know, it's very muggy outside.

Mitzefy:

Mitzefy: Jerome, I swear, if I step outside and all of our mugs are on the front lawn...

SSundee: * Sips coffee from bowl*

Siimii: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?

Henwy: Probably because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence.

Siimii:

Henwy: I don't know how you keep forgetting this.

Sigils: Biffle...

Kate: Oh no, 'Biffle' in B flat.

Kate: He's disappointed.

Biffle: I can explain!

Sigils: Is something burning?

Zud: Just my love for you.

Sigils: Zud, the toaster is on fire.

Biffle:

Nico:

Jerome: We know who it was, don't we?

Nico: Any idiot would know that.

Biffle: I knew that!

Nico: See?

Alexia: Don't stay up all night, Sun. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt.

Henwy: What if the 'g' in 'gif' is silent?

Sigils: Go the fuck to sleep.

Henwy: What gif I don't want to?

Sigils: Fuck You!

*something breaks, probably a certain wall*

Alexia: LANGUAGE!

Nico: This is such a bad idea.

Henwy: Then why are you coming along?

Nico: One of us need to be able to talk the cops out of arresting us when this inevitably goes wrong.

Henwy: *Walking in to a room* Sorry I'm late...I was...doing things.

*Sounds of running footsteps progressively getting louder*

Kate: *Out of breath* HE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKIN' STAIRS.

Chapter Text

SSundee, texting Sigils: *Sends a voice message*

Sigils, texting back: I'm a little busy, is it urgent?

SSundee: No, don't worry, just listen later.

*Later*

Sigils: *Presses play*

SSundee's voice message: THE TOASTER IS ON FIRE-

Zud: I may be young.

Zud: But I'm strong!

SSundee, pointing to the bottle Zud has been struggling with for the past ten minutes: You need help with that?

Zud: Yes, please.

SSundee: *Holds a gun out to Sigils*

Sigils: I-I don't believe in guns.

SSundee: Well, trust me, they're very real. Now take it.

Sigils: You're charged with.....breaking into a pet store?

SSiimii: I thought the animals might be lonely.

Sigils: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me?

Biffle: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?

Sigils: Yes.

Biffle: I'd sleep.

Biffle: *In a jail cell* What about my Miranda rights!? You're supposed to say I have 'the right to remain silent'"! NOBODY SAID I HAD THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!

Nico: *In the cell next to them* You have the right to remain silent, what you lack is the capacity.

Biffle: It's nice to be wanted, you know?

Sigils: Not by the law!

Sigils: A theif.

Biffle: Thief?

Sigils: Theif.

Biffle: I before E, except after C.

Sigils: Thceif.

Biffle: No.

Henwy: Fool me once, I'm gonna kill you.

Henwy: You seem familiar, have I threatened you before?

Wisp: WHY. Why did you give Henwy a KNIFE?!

Jasper: I'm sorry. He said he felt unsafe.

Wisp: Now I feel unsafe!

Jasper: I'm sorry.

Jasper: ...would you like a knife?

Biffle: Which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?

Nico: Neither.

Nico: Because it's twelve.

Nico: Just pick a password.

Biffle: Uhm, Sigils.

Nico: *types it in*

Computer: Sorry, password is too short.

Henwy: Okay okay, stop asking me if I'm straight, gay, bi, whatever. I identify as a FUCKING THREAT.

Biffle: Goodnight moon.

Biffle: Goodnight tree.

Biffle: Goodnight ghosts that only I can see.

Henwy, to ShadowApples and Wisp: And remember, if I get harsh with you it is only because you're doing it all wrong.

Biffle: You think I really give a bullshit? I can't even read.

SSundee: If I'm really as evil as you say I am, then have the gods strike me down where I stand.

*Lightning strikes SSundee*

SSundee: Ha! Nice try, jackass! Next time, give it your A-game!

Zud: With great power comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.

Hairdresser: How would you like your hair cut?

Henwy: Preferably with scissors, but a sword could be badass.

Shapeshifter: *transforms to look like SSundee*

SSundee: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair, you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.

(A/N: Yeah, by yourself.)

Mitzefy: I've come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than fuck.

Nico: When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is, having a look around the room and saying 'Haven't decided yet' is typically a good response.

Henwy: I'd like to offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals.

Sigils: If karma doesn't hit you, I fucking will.

Wisp: Henwy and I were crossing the street, and this dude drove by and honked at us.

ShadowApples: * Sighing * What did Henwy do?

Wisp: They chased him to the next red light, then reached into his window and...

Henwy: Who wants a steering wheel?

Sigils: SSundee, stop! This isn't you; you've gone mad with power!

SSundee: Well of course I have.

SSundee: Have you ever tried going mad without power?

SSundee: It's boring.

Nico: I am an expert at identifying birds.

Ambrew: Okay, what about those ones flying over there?

Nico: Yeah, they're all birds.

*The gang's thoughts on stabbing someone*

Biffle: Would never stab anyone.

Zud: Would stab someone in retaliation.

Sigils: Yells "I won't hesitate, bitch!" first.

Nico: Would stab without warning.

SSundee: Would stab as a warning.

Henwy: Don't worry, I have a few knives up my sleeve.

Wisp: I think you mean cards.

Henwy, pulling knives out of his sleeves: No, I do not.

Sigils: God, give me patience.

Zud: I think you mean 'give me strength'.

Sigils: If God gave me strength, the crew would be dead.

SSundee: Can I bother you for a second?

Sigils: You're always bothering me but go ahead.

Sigils, annoyed: Could you atleast try to see things from my perspective?!

SSundee: *crouches down*

Sigils: ...I despise you.

Zud: So, what's for dinner?

SSundee, staring at the food he just burnt: Regret.

Zud: I think I'm falling for you.

Sigils: Then get up.

Wisp: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?

Henwy: Probably because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence.

Wisp:

Henwy: I don't know how you keep forgetting this.

Pat: Okay, truth or dare?

Lookumz: Truth.

Mia: How many hours have you slept this week?

Lookumz:

Lookumz: ...Dare.

Pat: Go to bed.

Lookumz, groans annoyed: I don't like this game!

Wisp, pointing a camera at Henwy: There he is, our sweet friend.

Heny, holding an airsoft gun and a knife: What-?

Biffle: Would you like something to drink? *he opens the fridge* We have water, milk, juice, spiders, Dr. Pepper-

Sigils, confused: Spiders?

Biffle: Spiders it is then.

Sigils: No, that wasn't-

*but he's already pouring him a brimming glass of spiders...*

(A/N: Wait Biff how do you have milk if your dad...)

Every friendgroup has:

SSundee – I will win the knife fight by bringing more knives.

Zud – I will win the knife fight by bringing a large gun.

Biffle – I will win the knife fight with my bare hands and my bare hands alone.

Sigils – I will win the knife fight by simply stopping it from happening.

Nico – And I am just here to watch whatever happens next.

Henwy: Here's a list of things that yes, are technically possible but will probably never happen during our lifetime.

Henwy: Starting off the list with point one, we have you and me being mentally stable.

Henwy: Easy, idiot. I know two hundred ways to kill a man.

Wisp, casual: You could glue an open jar of rats to his face, then blowtorch the other side of the jar, so the rats have to eat their way out through his face.

Henwy: ...two Hundred and one.

Zud, calls down the hole: Don't worry Ian, we'll get you out!

Biffle: How are we gonna get him?

Nico: Maybe we should smoke him out!

Sigils, calling down the hole: SSundee, are you sure there isn't something you can use to climb out?

SSundee, calls up the hole: Oh, wait! Here's a grappling hook, ohoho! And here's an escalator, sign me!

Sigils, calls down the hole: We're about to die on this mission, do you really want your final words to be sarcastic?!

SSundee, calls up the hole while rolling his eyes: NoOoooO!

Sigils: What's that?

Sigils: Sorry, I just thought that someone that was above the national average height said something.

Sigils: *chuckles*

Sigils: You're disgusting, tall man.

Sigils: Shrink, perhaps.

SSundee: Ha! Barely two words and you already look like you want me dead!

SSundee: You're getting all worked up over nothing!

SSundee: You changed.

SSundee: You're getting weak!

Wisp: Did you have to stab him?

Henwy: You weren't there, you didn't hear what he said.

Wisp: Well, what did he say?

Henwy: WhAt ArE YoU goNNA dO, sTaB mE?

Henwy: I am the master of darkness, the sealer of fates, the scourge from the underworld, and I won't stop until all light is destroyed!

Wisp: Oh my gosh, you're the cutest little thing.

Henwy: I...what?!

Wisp: I love you, you're precious and I just want to hug you!

Henwy: I will literally kill you!

Wisp: Oh, you're little feisty when you're mad, aren't you, huh?

Henwy: Wha- What is going on?! My backstory is tragic-

Wisp: Ugh.

Henwy: I wish to do the heroes harm-

Wisp: Yeah, you do.

Henwy: There should be nothing about me that makes you react like this!

Wisp: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww~

Henwy: *annoyed huff*

Henwy: You just sometimes are unlucky in thinking.

Henwy: Right now, one of us two is smarter than you.

Henwy: What do you say as an outsider on the subject of "intelligence"?

Henwy: You're the reason why on the back of shampoo bottles instructions are needed.

Henwy: When you join in, it's like two people letting go.

Henwy: It's impossible to underestimate you.

Henwy: In your childhood did your chair stand a little bit too close to the wall, didn't it?

Henwy: You're a bit of an evolution denier.

Henwy: Are you studying to become a teacher?

Chapter Text

Sigils: If you were my husband, I would put poison in your coffee.

SSundee: If you were mine, I'd drink it.

SSundee: What's the wifi password?

Sigils: I hate you, I hate you, go die.

SSundee: *types it in*

SSundee: It didn't work...YOU!

IC!SSundee: I hate you.

IC!SSundee: I've always hated you.

IC!Sigils: I'm going to kill you, and I'm going to make it hurt!

Biffle: What happened today?

Sigils: I hit SSundee.

Biffle: Oh, 'cause he hit you, right?

Sigils: Nope.

Biffle:

Biffle: Did he say something mean to you?

Sigils: He didn't even get the chance!

Sigils: Is there no way we can get rid of SSundee, Zud?

Zud: Not without cause, Sigils!

Sigils: I have cause!

Sigils: It's beCAUSE I hate him!

SSundee: WHY AM I UNDER ARREST?!

Biffle: You committed like 20 crimes!

SSundee: Like what?

Police officer: You were roasting your friend Sigils-

SSundee: That "friend" is debatable, and besides, I always do!

Biffle: At our barbecue.

SSundee: Okay, mistakes happen.

Police officer: Later, you recorded an unboxing video.

SSundee: Yeah, so?

Biffle: WE WERE AT HIS FUNERAL!

SSundee: So what, the author revived him.

Police officer: And then right after, you pushed him into the swimming pool.

SSundee: That one was just a prank!

Biffle: IT WAS A SHARK EXHIBIT!

SSundee: *on a call with Sigils* I'm buying clothes.

Sigils: Alright, well, hurry up and get over here.

SSundee: Uh, I can't find them.

Sigils: ...What do you mean you can't find them?

SSundee: I can't find them, there's only Soup.

Sigils: Huh?! What do you mean there's only soup?

SSundee: It means, there's only soup!

Sigils: Well, then get out of the soup aisle!

SSundee: Alright, you don't have to yell at me.

SSundee: *walks to the next aisle* There's more soup.

Sigils: *almost screaming at his phone* What do you mean there's more soup?!

SSundee: *shrugs* There's just more soup!

Sigils: Go into the next aisle!

SSundee: *walks into the next aisle* There's STILL more soup.

Sigils: *half insane at this point* Where are you right now?!

SSundee: *still completely calm* At soup.

Sigils: *screaming at his phone* WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE "AT SOUP"?!

SSundee: I mean, I'm at soup.

Sigils: *completely done* WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?!

SSundee: I'M AT THE SOUP STORE!

Sigils: WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!

Sigils: NEVERMIND, I DON'T WANNA KNOW! *yeets his phone away*

Zud: Release all the sounds that are trapped in your mind.

Sigils: *sees SSundee walk in* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

SSundee: I'm in Spain without the P.

Sigils: Wait, you're in-sain?

IC!SSundee: *grins*

Sigils: *is getting challenged by SSundee* Oh, so you intend to fight me?

Sigils: *goes into a fighting stance* Good.

(A/N: Who'd win though?)

SSundee, after accidentally breaking Sigils' vase: .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.-- (translation: I'M SORRY)

Sigils: What's that?

SSundee: Remorse code.

Sigils: I'm even angrier now.

Biffle: You deserve a reward for putting up with me.

Zud: Our friendship is my reward.

*meanwhile*

SSundee: You deserve a reward for putting up with me.

Sigils: True, you can be really difficult at times.

SSundee: I hope no one lowkey hates me.

Sigils: Mission failed.

SSundee: Highkey hate me. Hate me with every fiber of your being.

SSundee: Go big or go home.

Kidnapper: I have one of your friends.

Sigils: Which one? I have many.

Kidnapper: The loud, annoying, rowdy one who never shuts up.

Sigils: Which one? I have seven.

Biffle, from the living room: HEY!!!

Kidnapper: Brown hair, shades, looks like a bot?

Sigils: Oh, you have Ian? You can keep him.

Sigils: SSundee...

SSundee: I can tell by the tone of your voice that you are disappointed. Alas, I must further disappoint you by affirming how little I give a fuck.

SSundee: Hello all, it is I, your favorite person.

Sigils: Actually, Biffle is my favourite.

SSundee: Okay then, it is I, that bitch.

Biffle: SSundee, I am questioning your sanity...

Sigils: I never questioned it, I knew his sanity was missing from the start. Just like his brain.

SSundee: Sigils, I want a bedtime story!

Sigils: I'm busy, SSundee. I'll tell you one tomorrow.

SSundee: If you don't tell me a story, I won't go to bed!

Sigils: Once upon a time, there was a person named Ian, who always wanted things their way. One day, their friends got sick of it and locked them in the basement for the rest of their life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end.

SSundee: I don't like these stories with morals.

Sigils: I hate SSundee.

Zud: "Hate' is a strong word.

Sigils: I have strong opinions.

SSundee: Dinosaurs aren't extinct. I mean, Sigils is walking in this room.

Biffle: *wheeze*

Sigils: And you're about to be dead like one.

Sigils, talking to SSundee: My expectations in you were low but holy fuck.

SSundee: Sometimes I like to call people by the wrong name to show them I don't care about them.

Sigils: That's one time you said something brilliant.

SSundee: Thank you, Zud.

SSundee: If you think I'm playing favorites, you're wrong. I love all of you equally!

SSundee, earlier: I hate Sigils' guts.

SSundee: The crew always accuses me of having someone I especially hate but that's not true.

SSundee: I hate Sigils and all the not-Person Sigils' equally.

Biffle: I'm so happy two of my favorite people are getting along now.

Zud: Uh, SSundee and Sigils are not getting along.

Biffle: They're not trying to poison each others food anymore.

Zud: You may have a point.

SSundee: Did you hear that!? Sigils just threatened to destroy my playbutton!

Nico: ...You just threatened to kill them in their sleep.

Sigils, to Biffle: If you see SSun, give them this message *makes a neutral face*

Sigils: He'll know what it means.

*later*

Biffle: -oh, and Sigils said to give you a message.

Biffle: *makes a neutral face*

SSundee: Oh no. The neutral face of displeasure.

Sigils: *looks at Zud*

Sigils: Baby boy. Baby.

Sigils: *looks at SSundee*

Sigils: Evil.

Sigils: Just be yourself. Say something nice.

SSundee: Which one? I can't do both.

*after the crew's plan goes horribly wrong*

Sigils: Now it seems we're back at square one-- finding Biffle.

SSundee: For the record, I already found him.

Zud: And you let him get away before we could have a meaningful conversation.

SSundee: He stabbed me!

Sigils: I'm surprised he waited this long, SSundee. We've all had the urge.

SSundee: Am I right, Sigils?

Sigils: I'm almost certain you're not, but to be fair, I wasn't listening.

Sigils: *running into the room* Biffle just said he doesn't love me anymore!

Zud: What?!

Biffle: *following him in* I did not say that. I just said that we are not driving all the way across the country just so you can punch SSundee in the face.

SSundee: I'm a multitasker!

SSundee: I can make the whole crew hate me at once.

Sigils: You still need to do something for that?

SSundee: Are you ever going to listen to me?

Sigils: Yes. Absolutely.

SSundee: When?

Sigils: When you're right.

Zud: You really believe in SSundee?

Sigils: Luckily, he believes in himself enough for the both of us.

Chapter Text

Henwy: I did it! I memorized everything in the book! I'm gonna ace this test!

Wisp: Ok, Hen, I'll give you one more question before you go. What ended in 1918?

Henwy: 1917.

Wisp: ...You're ready.

Biffle: I have so much energy, I want to run a marathon or commit a crime... which should I do?

Sigils: Please don't get arrested.

Biffle: No promises! <3

SSundee: Why not both? Get creative!

Biffle: Wonderful suggestion, thank you.

Sigils: Please don't encourage him, SSun.

*The squad's reaction to being told they're the chosen one*

Sigils: I will not let you down.

SSundee: Heck yeah I am!

Nico: K.

Lookumz: No, I'm fucking not.

Pat: Do I have to be?

Biffle: Please god, I have a migraine.

Biffle: :)

SSundee: >:(

Biffle: Turn that frown upside down!

SSundee: ):<

Biffle: Not sure what I was expecting...

Zud: Why can't we all just get along?

Sigils: Because most of us are assholes, Zud.

Sigils: Remember everyone, violence is never the answer.

Biffle: You're right, Sigils...Violence can't be the answer.

Sigils: Correct, Biffle. Now, on to the next lesson of common sen-

Biffle: Violence is the question.

Biffle: And the answer is yes.

Sigils: Biffle, no!!!

Zud: I can't believe there's a cat somewhere in my house. Amazing feeling. Love cats. And he's here, in my house! Somewhere! And I may encounter him! What a treat.

Biffle: Guys, I didn't memorize my lines!

Sigils: Just use your lack of common sense! Everyone knows the characters in scripted videos are dumb as fuck!

*During the video*

Zud: Hey! You finally made it! Did you get the donuts?

Biffle: W-what're donuts?

Store Worker: Would Sigils please come to the front desk?

Sigils, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?

Store Worker, pointing to Zud and Biffle: I believe they belong to you?

Zud and Biffle, simultaneously: We got lost.

Sigils: I didn't even bring you guys here with me-

Nico: Please confirm to your knowledge that you are not a fully robotic being, were born an organic creature, and do in fact possess what many cultures would call a soul.

Pat: What? "To my knowledge"? Do a lot of people not know if they're robots?

Nico: Thank you for your confirmation.

Wisp: Henwy, what do you have?

Henwy: A KNIFE!

Wisp: Okay, have fu-

ShadowApples: NO!

Lookumz, singing: ~Hush, little laptop, don't you cry.~

Lookumz: ~Daddy's gonna find you some more Wi-Fi.~

Lookumz: ~And if that Wi-Fi doesn't work...~

Lookumz: ~Daddy will destroy the fucking Earth.~

Zud: What can therapy do for me that screaming in my car for 30 minutes can't?

Biffle: If you spell skeletons backwards, it still spells skeletons.

Nico, deadpan: Wow, I can't wait for Halloween to see some snoteleks.

SSundee: Guess what?

Sigils: What?

SSundee: No, you have to guess.

Sigils, thinking: I don't know.

SSundee: Jerome is in the hospital.

Sigils: Why would you make me guess that?!

Sigils: What happened?!

Henwy: Wisp, I have a couple of words to say to you.

Wisp: Please let those two words be "I'm concered if you got hurt."

ShadowApples: I'm ready with the bleep button if not.

Biffle: Good morning!

Nico: Is it? Is it really?

Zud: I tried to write 'I'm a functional adult' but my phone changed it to 'fictional adult' and I feel like that's more accurate.

Zud: Everyone thinks I'm this soft cute person but I'm not!

Sigils: Zud, you cried for an hour after stepping on a bug yesterday.

Zud: It had feelings! It was probably going home to dinner and I killed it!

Sigils: ...It was a bug.

Zud: It was a BEETLE, and its wife is definitely worried sick, wondering where it is, and I really don't get why you all think I'm so sentimental because I'm not!

Biffle: ...

Sigils: ...

Zud: Stop looking at me like that!

Zud: We're about to do the taser challenge. You want in?

Sigils: What's the taser challenge?

Biffle: We tase eachother, then drink.

Sigils: How do you win?

Zud: What are you, a lawyer? You want in or not?

*Biffle is reading a Clifford The Big Red Dog book*

SSundee, watching: How did he get to be so big? Do they ever explain that?

Zud: Well, Emily's love for him grew, and so did he.

Sigils: Well, your dog is pretty small. Guess that says something about you, huh?

Biffle, angrily shutting his book: YOU'RE SMALL! WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT YOUR PARENTS?!?!

SSundee: There's no "I" in team, but there is one in pizza.

Zud: So, you're not going to share?

SSundee: I'm not going to share.

Wisp: I made this friendship bracelet for you.

Henwy: You know, I'm not really a jewelry person.

Wisp: You don't have to wear...

Henwy: No, I'm gonna wear it forever. Back the fuck off.

Sigils: You know what? Let's give it a go. What's the worst that could happen?

Nico: Humiliation, embarrassment, fire, explosions, collisions, tears, and death.

Biffle: I don't know, this plan seems complicated.

Sigils: You once said that about an orange.

Biffle: They don't make sense. Apples, you eat their clothes but oranges you don't.

Sigils: Time freezes for everyone but you one day. What do you do?

Garry: Oh... I'd mildly trouble everyone.

Sigils: Alright, so what would you do?

Garry: I'd shave a one-inch thick line in every thick beard I saw.

Garry: I'd twist all the lightbulbs just a little bit so no one would know when they aren't working.

Garry: I'd make every wing on girls eyeliner just a little bit higher than the other one.

Garry: And I'd tie everyone's shoelaces together.

Garry: And then lastly, I'd snip a little hole in every tea bag.

Sigils:

Sigils: Remind me to never allow you to have power.

Wisp: I like to think of myself as a semi responsible adult here.

ShadowApples: Henwy is 70% of your impulse control and you know this, Wisp.

Wisp: I feel like Hen is the more responsible one of us two though.

Henwy: We are both 70% of each others' impulse control.

Wisp: Just two lil beasts in pinwheel hats spinning on the merry-go-round at dangerous velocities, holding each other's hands so the other doesn't fall off.

SSundee, driving Colton and Biffle: So how was your day?

Biffle: We almost got surprise adopted!

SSundee: What?

Colton: We almost got kidnapped.

SSundee: Oh, okay.

SSundee: * slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!

SSundee: ...What did he look like?

Colton: DAD NO!

Nico: I really like Eminem.

Biffle: I prefer skittles.

Sigils: He's talking about the rapper.

Biffle: Why would he want to eat the wrapper?

Zud: I told SSundee his ears flush when he lies.

Sigils: Why?

Zud: Look.

Zud: Hey SSun! Do you love us?

SSundee, covering his ears: No.

Sigils:

Zud: YOU CHEATED!

Biffle: So did my dad, but hey, my mom knew it all and even sorted out their wedding, so what's the problem?

Sigils: I... can confirm that that actually happened.

Zud: ...What.

*The group is getting into the car*

Wisp: I'm driving.

Henwy, out of view: Shotgun!

Wisp, turning to face Henwy: Aww! But you had it on the way here-

Everyone except Henwy: WOAH-

Henwy, holding a shotgun: No! I found a shotgun! And I want the front seat! * Pumps gun *

Biffle: Look at the buns on that guy!

Jerome: *lying on the floor, covered in hamburger buns*

Nico: This is the comedy police! The joke's too funny!

Biffle: I'm not going back to jail!

Zud: What if mayonnaise came in cans?

Biffle: Well, that would suck because you can't microwave metal.

Nico: Good morning to everyone except these two people.

Nico: In your opinion, what's the height of stupidity?

Sigils: * turning to Biffle, Zud and SSundee* How tall are you?

Lookumz: I really like this whole 'good guy, bad guy' thing you guys have going on.

SSundee: It's not an act, it's just that I'm mean and Biffle isn't.

ShadowApples: What time is it?

Wisp: I don't know; pass me that saxophone and we'll find out

Wisp: *Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune*

Henwy: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING?!

Wisp: It's 2 am.

Pat: Do you think different paints have different tastes?

Zud: They do.

Pat: ...Why did you say that with such certainty?

Zud: Okay! Let's play Kiss Marry Kill!

Zud: First who would you kill?

*Sigils points at SSundee*

*Biffle points at SSundee*

*Nico points at SSundee*

SSundee: * shrugs * I would kill me too.

Chapter Text

Alexia: Alright, we're searching for people with Superpowers to defeat the Corrupted Sorces, get a pen and paper and write we're looking for folks.

*later*

Alexia: Alright, so you think you're suitable to be in our team of superheroes? What's your power and weakness?

Sigils: I'm able to lift heavy things.

Alexia: We could use that, what's your weakness?

Sigils: My knees aren't strong enough to withstand the weight of a kilo.

Alexia: ...Out.

Sigils: *leaves the room*

Alexia: Next one!

Nico: Hey.

Alexia: Hey! Name, power and weakness please.

Nico: Nicovald, I'm able to sweat real hard.

Alexia: ...But?

Nico: It only works in games.

Alexia, facepalming: ...

Nico: ...I'll leave.

Alexia: Tell the next one to come in, please.

Nico: Okay. *leaves*

Pat: *comes in* Hi, I'm Pat.

Alexia: Nice to meet you, what's your power and weakness?

Pat: I can turn invisible!

Alexia: And...?

Pat: But only if someone doesn't cares abou- *disappears*

Alexia: Next.

Zud: Hey, I'm Zud, I'm superfast.

Alexia: Oh, cool, a spe-

Zud, interupts: In Minecraft.

Alexia: OUT!

Zud: Okay, okay! *runs out and shoves Kate in*

Kate: Hello, I'm Kate.

Alexia: Alright Kate, what's your superpower?

Kate: Shapshifting.

Alexia: ...

Kate: ...

Alexia: *gasp of relief* Fina-

Kate: But only in people I already cosplayed.

Alexia: Are you kidding me?! OUT!

Kate: ... *leaves the room*

SSundee: *comes in* Hi, I'm SSundee.

Alexia: Hello, power and weakness?

SSundee: I'm toxic.

Alexia: As like, you can fire venom?

SSundee: No, verbally.

Alexia: *facepalms*

SSundee: And only to my friends.

Alexia: That just sounds like you're a bad person.

SSundee: Well, I m-

Alexia: *buries her head in her hands* Don't tell me. Just get me the next guy, please.

SSundee: *leaves*

Lookumz: Hi, I'm Lookumz, I can hack.

Alexia: And what can you hack?

Lookumz: My own mods!

Alexia: Someone gimme a knife...

Lookumz: Huh?!

Alexia: Just please, spare me, get out, I don't wanna do this anymore...

Lookumz: ... *sneaks out of the room*

Biffle: Hey, heard you're searching for a superhero?

Alexia: Yeah...power and weakness?

Biffle: I'm able to swim really fast.

Alexia: ...

Biffle: ...

Alexia: Alright, not too bad...

Biffle: I'm afraid of fish.

Alexia, annoyed: AHHH!

Alexia: Man, why do I have this job...even that invisibility guy was better!

Pat: FINALLY SOMEONE CARES FOR ME! *appears*