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Chapter Text

TAVROS: hEY THERE,
TAVROS: uHHH,
TAVROS: yOU KNOW THAT THING, tHAT MY FRIENDS SOMETIMES SAY ABOUT ME,
TAVROS: hOW i GOT LAID, eARLY,,,
TAVROS: bY BEING A PLAYER, aND A NATURAL AT SEDUCING A GIRL,
TAVROS: tHEY SAY, wHILE MAKING PARTY NOISES, aND OFFERING HIGH FIVES,
TAVROS: eVEN THOUGH, i OFTEN DON'T RECIPROCATE, tHOSE HIGH FIVES,
TAVROS: aND SAY NOTHING INSTEAD, wHILE LOOKING VISIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE,
TAVROS: wHICH APPARENTLY, iS A REASON TO MAKE EVEN MORE NOISES,
TAVROS: aND LIGHTLY POKE FUN AT ME, fOR NOT LIKING IT,
TAVROS: aND ALSO HALF-JOKINGLY CALL ME GAY,
TAVROS: bUT i DON'T THINK i AM,
TAVROS: oR THAT THAT'S A LIKELY EXPLANATION, fOR ME NOT LIKING SOME THINGS,
TAVROS: i THINK THERE'S PROBABLY, a MUCH MORE OBVIOUS REASON, tHAT PEOPLE DON'T KNOW, oR AT LEAST DON'T REALLY THINK ABOUT,
TAVROS: wHICH IS THAT i WAS 13 YEARS OLD,
TAVROS: aND THE OTHER PERSON WAS OLDER THAN ME,
TAVROS: uHHH, i MEAN, oLDER THAN i AM NOW,
TAVROS: bY A LARGE MARGIN, aCTUALLY,
TAVROS: eVEN THOUGH IT WAS ALMOST 10 YEARS AGO,,
TAVROS: ,,,,,,
TAVROS: i FEEL LIKE SOME THINGS HAVE, sTARTED TO CLICK A LITTLE, rECENTLY,
TAVROS: wITH THE PERSPECTIVE, oF BEING A LITTLE OLDER,
TAVROS: aND HOW MUCH SMALLER THE DIFFERENCE SEEMS, bETWEEN SOMEONE WHO IS 13 YEARS OLD, aND A LITTLE KID,
TAVROS: eSPECIALLY SEEING PICTURES, oF MYSELF AROUND THAT TIME,
TAVROS: wHICH MAKES ME THINK, tHAT i DIDN'T REALLY HAVE A CHOICE IN THESE EVENTS,
TAVROS: aND AS SUCH, iT WOULD BE SAFE TO SAY, tHAT THEY PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED,
TAVROS: bUT UHHHHH,,, sOME CONTEXT,
TAVROS: i HAD TAKEN THE BUS TO MY FRIEND'S HOUSE, aFTER SCHOOL ON FRIDAY, fOR A SLEEPOVER,
TAVROS: wHICH HAD BEEN, a MORE OR LESS REGULAR THING,
TAVROS: tO PLAY POKEMON CARDS, aND WATCH YUGI-OH,
TAVROS: eXCEPT THIS TIME, wHEN i ARRIVED, mY FRIEND WASN'T THERE,
TAVROS: wHICH MAKES SENSE, sINCE i'D TOTALLY FORGOTTEN, tHAT HE WAS GOING TO A JAMBOREE,
TAVROS: iNSTEAD, tHERE WAS ONLY HIS MOM, wHO WAS SURPRISED TO SEE ME,
TAVROS: bUT NOT, nEGATIVELY,
TAVROS: sEEING AS, sHE ALWAYS LIKED HAVING ME OVER,
TAVROS: aND HAD CALLED ME SOME THINGS BEFORE, sUCH AS HANDSOME, aND A FUTURE LADY KILLER,
TAVROS: wHICH i NEVER KNEW, hOW TO RESPOND TO, sO i ALWAYS JUST SAID NOTHING,
TAVROS: iT'S ALSO ONE OF THOSE THINGS, tHAT IS REALLY WEIRD IN HINDSIGHT,
TAVROS: i DON'T REALLY THINK, tHAT 13 YEAR OLDS ARE HANDSOME,
TAVROS: oR HAVE SEXUAL APPEAL, iN ANY WAY, rEGARDLESS,
TAVROS: bUT IT ALSO WASN'T THE FIRST TIME, aDULT WOMEN SAID THAT ABOUT ME,
TAVROS: aLTHOUGH, mAYBE NOT SO UPFRONT,
TAVROS: uHHHH,,, aNYWAY,
TAVROS: i THOUGHT THAT, mAYBE, sHE WOULD OFFER ME A RIDE, bACK HOME,
TAVROS: bUT INSTEAD, sHE SAID THAT i COULD JUST, sTAY OVER ANYWAY,
TAVROS: aND THAT SHE WOULD LET MY PARENTS KNOW,
TAVROS: sO i AGREED, tHINKING i WOULD JUST WATCH YUGI-OH BY MYSELF, iN MY FRIEND'S ROOM, bEFORE FALLING ASLEEP,
TAVROS: bUT SHE SAID i SHOULD SLEEP IN HER BED INSTEAD,
TAVROS: sO THAT i WOULDN'T BE AS LONELY,
TAVROS: i SAID THAT i DIDN'T KNOW, iF THAT WAS WHAT i WANTED,
TAVROS: bUT SHE ASKED, rEPEATEDLY, aND IT ALSO MADE, sOME LOGICAL SENSE, aT THE TIME,
TAVROS: sO i WENT ALONG,
TAVROS: ,,,,,,
TAVROS: tHAT NIGHT, iN BED, sHE STARTED CALLING ME MORE THINGS,
TAVROS: sUCH AS, a STUD,
TAVROS: wHICH IS ANOTHER THING, tHAT i NOW THINK IS A REALLY WEIRD THING TO SAY, tO A 13 YEAR OLD,
TAVROS: aND IT DID FEEL REALLY WEIRD, aND UNPLEASANT, cOMING FROM HER,
TAVROS: bUT THERE MUST'VE BEEN A REASON, i THOUGHT,
TAVROS: i HAD STARTED MASTURBATING, nOT THAT ALONG AGO,
TAVROS: tHE YEAR BEFORE, mAYBE,
TAVROS: aND THERE HAD BEEN SOME OTHER CHANGES, sUCH AS A GROWTH SPURT, aND LOSING BABY FAT,
TAVROS: mAKING ME FEEL, a LITTLE BETTER ABOUT MYSELF, pHYSICALLY,
TAVROS: hENCE THE REASON, tO BE ON THE RECEIVING END, oF SUCH COMMENTS, i FIGURED,
TAVROS: bUT, iT WENT FURTHER, aFTER THAT,
TAVROS: ,,,,,,,
TAVROS: i DON'T, rEALLY REMEMBER EVERYTHING,
TAVROS: sORRY,,,,
TAVROS: i JUST KNOW, tHAT SHE WAS GETTING ME OUT OF MY CLOTHES, gRADUALLY, aND WITH SOFT PRESSURE,
TAVROS: i DIDN'T REALLY SAY NO,
TAVROS: iN FACT, i DON'T THINK i REALLY SAID ANYTHING,
TAVROS: iT DIDN'T REALLY OCCUR TO ME, tHAT "NO" WAS A THING i COULD SAY,
TAVROS: oR EVEN WANT TO SAY,
TAVROS: eVEN THOUGH, i'M PRETTY SURE, i ACTUALLY DIDN'T WANT IT,
TAVROS: i'D JUST NEVER HEARD OF CASES, oF A BOY NOT WANTING SEX,
TAVROS: uH, eXCEPT WHEN THE OTHER PERSON IS ALSO A BOY, i GUESS, bUT i DIGRESS,
TAVROS: bUT OTHER THAN TALKING, i DID ACTUALLY COMMUNICATE A LITTLE BIT, tHROUGH BODY LANGUAGE,
TAVROS: i CAN'T REALLY REMEMBER WHAT i DID,
TAVROS: mAYBE TURN MY FACE AWAY, oR WRAP MY ARMS AROUND MYSELF,
TAVROS: tHOSE ARE THINGS i TEND TO DO, wHEN i'M NOT COMFORTABLE,
TAVROS: bUT i DEFINITELY DID SOME THINGS, bECAUSE SHE WAS SCOLDING ME FOR DOING THEM,
TAVROS: cALLING ME, oVERLY SHY, aND IMMATURE,
TAVROS: wHICH, i GUESS, aRE THINGS THAT ARE PROBABLY CORRECT, wHEN BEING SAID TO A 13 YEAR OLD,
TAVROS: uNTIL SHE LOST HER PATIENCE, aND HELD ME DOWN,
TAVROS: nOT IN A, uH, vIOLENT WAY, tHAT HURTS, oR ANYTHING LIKE THAT,
TAVROS: sHE JUST HELD MY HANDS IN PLACE OVER MY HEAD,
TAVROS: i GUESS, sO THEY WOULDN'T GET IN THE WAY OF THE ACTIVITIES, tHAT WERE TAKING PLACE,
TAVROS: wHICH WHERE, uHHH,,,,
TAVROS: tHAT MY PENIS WAS INSIDE HER,
TAVROS: aND THAT i CAME, eVENTUALLY,,
TAVROS: wHICH MADE ME REALLY WORRIED, tHAT i WAS MAKING HER PREGNANT,
TAVROS: bUT THAT WASN'T THE CASE, iN THE END, tHANKFULLY,
TAVROS: uMMM,,,,,,,
TAVROS: tHE NEXT DAY, oN THE BUS RIDE HOME, i WAS REALLY STRESSED OUT,
TAVROS: bECAUSE OF HAVING DONE SOMETHING i SHOULDN'T HAVE, aND THAT MY PARENTS WERE GOING TO FIND OUT, aND PUNISH ME,
TAVROS: eSPECIALLY SINCE i'D CLEARLY WANTED IT, bY GETTING AN ERECTION, aND THEN AN ORGASM, oR AT LEAST, tHAT'S WHAT i THOUGHT,
TAVROS: wHEN i GOT HOME, i MOSTLY AVOIDED MY PARENTS, wENT TO BED REALLY EARLY, nOTICED THAT i SMELLED WEIRD, aND TRIED TO SLEEP,
TAVROS: aFTER THAT, i LET IT BLOW OVER,
TAVROS: wHICH WAS PRETTY EASY, iN THAT i DIDN'T REALLY NEED TO DO ANYTHING, sINCE NOBODY KNEW IN THE FIRST PLACE,
TAVROS: i NEVER HAD ANOTHER SLEEPOVER, wHICH WAS EASILY EXPLAINED, aS ME GETTING TOO OLD FOR CARD GAMES,
TAVROS: bUT IT WAS A LOT HARDER, oN THE INSIDE, cARRYING ON LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED,
TAVROS: eSPECIALLY BEING REALLY WORRIED, aBOUT HAVING A BABY, fOR A WHILE AFTER,
TAVROS: bUT ALSO, fEELING ASHAMED OF MYSELF CONSTANTLY,,
TAVROS: tHERE WAS ALSO, oNE TIME,,,, wHICH I REGRET EXTREMELY,,,
TAVROS: wHERE i MENTIONED SOME THINGS,,,,, vERY VAGUELY, tO ONE OF MY FRIENDS,
TAVROS: bUT i DON'T THINK, tHAT HE REALLY UNDERSTOOD, wHAT i WAS SAYING,
TAVROS: hENCE IT GETTING SPREAD AROUND, iN A MODIFIED VERSION, rESULTING IN RUMORS,
TAVROS: aND EVENTUALLY, pEOPLE CONGRATULATING ME, fOR THIS AWESOME THING HAPPENING, tHAT MADE ME REALLY COOL AND MORE LIKE A GROWN-UP,
TAVROS: bUT IT DIDN'T REALLY MAKE ME FEEL AWESOME, oR GROWN-UP,
TAVROS: iT MADE ME FEEL MORE LIKE A THING,
TAVROS: tHAT CAN BE USED, aND THEN THROWN AWAY, wHEN IT'S USED UP,
TAVROS: uHHHH,,,,
TAVROS: yEAH,
TAVROS: ,,,,,,,
TAVROS: tHAT FEELS LIKE A GOOD WAY, oF PUTTING IT,
TAVROS: bUT AT THE TIME, i DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT,
TAVROS: i JUST KEPT ON DOING THINGS, aS NORMALLY AS POSSIBLE,
TAVROS: gOING TO SCHOOL, dOING MY HOMEWORK,
TAVROS: aND POSTING ONLINE, wITH MY PROFILE PICTURE, oF GOKU, fROM DRAGON BALL Z,
TAVROS: jUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER KIDS,
TAVROS: iT ALMOST MADE IT SEEM, aS IF SOMETHING LIKE THAT, cOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED TO ME,
TAVROS: aND FOR A WHILE, i WAS HOPING THAT IT MIGHT, mAYBE, uNHAPPEN, iF i TRIED LONG ENOUGH,
TAVROS: bUT THAT DIDN'T WORK,,
TAVROS: mEANWHILE, i DON'T REALLY FEEL LIKE BEING TOUCHED, bY ANYONE AGAIN,
TAVROS: sORRY,
TAVROS: i CAN'T REALLY SAY, iF THAT'S BECAUSE OF THE BAD THING,
TAVROS: oR IF I'M JUST THAT WAY,
TAVROS: i THINK IT WOULD'VE BEEN NICE, tO GET TO FIGURE STUFF LIKE THAT OUT,
TAVROS: oN MY OWN, wHILE GROWING UP, aND WITHOUT, hAVING SEX, pUSHED ON ME,
TAVROS: mAKING EVERYTHING SO MUCH MORE CONFUSING,
TAVROS: aND NOT NICE TO THINK ABOUT,
TAVROS: uHHH,
TAVROS: i USED TO THINK ABOUT WHAT i'D DO, iF i HAD TO DO THAT OVER AGAIN,
TAVROS: wHICH, i DIDN'T WANT TO, bUT JUST HYPOTHETICALLY,
TAVROS: i GUESS i WOULD HAVE TRIED, tO THINK A BIT MORE, aND REALIZE THAT i DIDN'T WANT IT,
TAVROS: aND BE MORE CONFIDENT, aND SAY "NO",
TAVROS: aS WELL AS NOT BE 13 YEARS OLD,
TAVROS: i THINK THAT'S A PRETTY IMPORTANT PART, oF MAKING THIS LESS AWFUL,
TAVROS: bUT THAT WASN'T REALLY POSSIBLE, uH, gOING BACK AND CHANGING THINGS,
TAVROS: aND IT ALSO WASN'T REALLY POSSIBLE, fOR ME TO FORGET,
TAVROS: sO THE NEXT BEST THING, wHICH i USED TO HOPE FOR, wAS FOR EVERYBODY ELSE TO FORGET,
TAVROS: oR AT LEAST STOP BRINGING IT UP CONSTANTLY, sO THAT PEOPLE WOULD STOP TALKING ABOUT IT,
TAVROS: aND THEN MAYBE i, aLSO WOULDN'T BE REMINDED OF IT AS MUCH,
TAVROS: mAYBE,
TAVROS: bUT i DIDN'T REALLY KNOW, hOW TO GO ABOUT ASKING SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
TAVROS: bY VIRTUE, oF IT BEING KIND OF A WEIRD THING TO ASK,
TAVROS: aND WOULD HAVE REQUIRED EXPLAINING TO PEOPLE, tHAT ME HAVING SEX AS A CHILD, wAS A THING THAT IS BAD AND NOT GOOD,
TAVROS: wHICH i GUESS, mUST BE LESS OBVIOUS, tHAN HOW IT SOUNDS, wHEN i PUT IT THAT WAY,
TAVROS: bUT i THINK, tHAT IT MIGHT BE TIME, tO GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY,
TAVROS: tO WORK UP THE COURAGE, tO TELL SOMEONE, wHAT REALLY HAPPENED,
TAVROS: nOW THAT PEOPLE ARE OLDER, aND MAYBE MORE UNDERSTANDING,
TAVROS: aLTHOUGH IT HAS THE POTENTIAL, oF MAKING EVERYTHING WORSE, iNSTEAD OF BETTER,
TAVROS: bUT i MUSTN'T GIVE UP HOPE,
TAVROS: tHE SAME WAY THAT, tHE CHARACTERS FROM DIGIMON, aFTER GETTING TRAPPED, nEVER GAVE UP, aND HELPED EACH OTHER, eSCAPE,
TAVROS: wHICH, i GUESS, aLWAYS MEANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT TO ME, tHAN IT DID FOR OTHERS,
TAVROS: aT LEAST, i HOPE,,,
TAVROS: tHAT'S ABOUT ALL, i THINK, sTUFF IS MOSTLY CLEAR NOW,
TAVROS: i'M FEELING A LOT BETTER, aBOUT TELLING SOMEONE, aLREADY,
TAVROS: sO, uHHH,
TAVROS: wISH ME LUCK }:)

Chapter Text

KARKAT: I FELT CRAPPY AGAIN TODAY.
KARKAT: AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. ANOTHER ROUND OF RUNNING THROUGH EVERYTHING IN MY HEAD YET AGAIN.
KARKAT: THANK FUCK MY BOYFRIEND'S NOT HERE RIGHT NOW, SO I CAN SPARE HIM THE RANTS ABOUT MY UPSETTING TRAIN WRECK OF A STORY JUST THIS ONE TIME.
KARKAT: ALRIGHT, SO HERE'S WHERE THE HORROR SHOW BEGAN.
KARKAT: I WAS 16 YEARS OLD AND HAD A SHITTY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENTS.
KARKAT: JUST SOME CLASSIC TEENAGER SHIT THAT NONE OF US WERE DEALING WITH IN A CONSTRUCTIVE WAY.
KARKAT: EVERY LITTLE DISAGREEMENT TURNED INTO A SHOUTING MATCH BECAUSE I'D GET PISSED OFF AND THEY'D RESPOND IN KIND, RESULTING IN ME STORMING OFF TO MY ROOM AND SLAMMING THE DOOR SHUT.
KARKAT: ONCE THERE, I'D TYPICALLY SIT ON MY BED AND FUCK AROUND ON MY PHONE UNTIL MY HEAD CLEARED UP.
KARKAT: FOR A WHILE, MY PARENTS WOULD TRY THE ROUTINE OF SITTING DOWN TOGETHER AFTERWARD AND FIGURING OUT HOW TO COMMUNICATE BETTER GOING FORWARD.
KARKAT: BUT THEIR WAY OF DOING IT WAS ALWAYS SO FUCKING HIGH-AND-MIGHTY, LIKE I WAS ALWAYS AT FAULT. AND I WASN'T AS ARTICULATE BACK THEN AND COULDN'T REALLY EXPLAIN HOW I WAS FEELING, WHICH FRUSTRATED ME EVEN MORE.
KARKAT: SO I THINK, AT SOME POINT, THEY JUST GAVE UP ON THAT. JUST DECIDED TO LET ME STEW IN MY SHIT UNTIL AFTER I'D GROWN OUT OF IT OR SOMETHING.
KARKAT: AND SO, INTERACTING WITH MY PARENTS FELL DOWN TO THE BAREST FUCKING MINIMUM.
KARKAT: ALL IN ALL, NOTHING SUPER CRAZY. I BET THIS KIND OF THING IS A DIME A DOZEN.
KARKAT: SO HERE'S ANOTHER THING. AROUND THAT TIME, I'D FIGURED OUT THAT I WAS GAY.
KARKAT: I COULD'VE FIGURED IT OUT A LOT SOONER IF I HADN'T BEEN SUCH A FUCKING DUMBASS, BUT THE ENVIRONMENT I WAS IN ALSO DIDN'T HELP.
KARKAT: IT WASN'T, LIKE, A "HOLD HANDS WITH A BOY AND GET SENT OFF TO CONVERSION THERAPY" KIND OF ENVIRONMENT. BUT THERE WAS ALSO NEVER ANY ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT YOU COULD BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN STRAIGHT.
KARKAT: AT SCHOOL, I WAS JEALOUS ABOUT OTHER GUYS GETTING PROM DATES, AND THERE WAS NO WAY IN HELL I WAS GONNA SHOW UP THERE WITH A DUDE.
KARKAT: OUTING MYSELF WOULD BRING THE ENTIRE SCHOOL GOSSIP MILL DOWN ON MY ASS, I RECKONED. AND THEN IT'D GET BACK TO MY PARENTS, WHO WERE DEFINITELY GOING TO START MEDDLING TOO.
KARKAT: I WAS LIKE, NAH. LET ME HAVE THIS TO MYSELF.
KARKAT: BUT THE THING IS, I REALLY WANTED TO GO ON A DATE. AND ALSO MESS AROUND AFTERWARD. THE WHOLE SHEBANG.
KARKAT: ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I'D STARTED TO LIKE HOW I LOOKED. BEFORE, I ALWAYS FELT LIKE SUCH A RUNT. BUT NOW, I WAS CHECKING MYSELF OUT IN THE MIRROR AND NOTICING THAT MY SHOULDERS WERE LOOKING PRETTY BROAD, THAT I'D GOTTEN A HAPPY TRAIL, THAT SORT OF THING.
KARKAT: LIKE I WAS FINALLY GOING FROM BEING A "PATHETIC FAILCHILD" TO A "SLIGHTLY LESS PATHETIC YOUNG MAN", IS WHAT I'M SAYING.
KARKAT: I WAS NEVER PARTICULARLY GOOD AT ANYTHING, SO I FELT LIKE MY MARGINALLY IMPROVED LOOKS WERE THE ONLY THING I HAD GOING FOR ME AT THE TIME.
KARKAT: DOES THAT SOUND SAD? MAYBE IT FUCKING DOES. BUT AGAIN, I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S NOT UNCOMMON AS FAR AS TEENAGE BULLSHIT GOES.
KARKAT: SO IF SCHOOL WAS A NO-GO, AND OTHER EVERYDAY OPPORTUNITIES TO MEET OTHER GUYS WERE NONEXISTENT, THEN WHAT ILLUSTRIOUS IDEA DID MY GAY ASS COME UP WITH TO GET A DATE?
KARKAT: GO ONLINE, OF COURSE.
KARKAT: I STARTED GOING THROUGH DATING APPS TO SEE IF THERE WERE PEOPLE IN MY AREA. AND SURE ENOUGH, THERE WAS A PRETTY CUTE-LOOKING 18 YEAR OLD WITH HIS OWN PLACE.
KARKAT: CHATTING WITH HIM FELT SUPER REFRESHING. AFTER FEELING MISUNDERSTOOD FOR SO LONG, FINALLY THERE WAS SOMEBODY WHO SPOKE MY LANGUAGE AND THAT I COULD RELATE TO.
KARKAT: BEFORE LONG, WE ARRANGED THAT I'D GO OVER TO HIS FLAT AFTER SCHOOL TO WATCH A MOVIE WITH HIM AND STAY THE NIGHT.
KARKAT: I DIDN'T HAVE A CAR YET AND PUBLIC TRANSIT IS DOGSHIT HERE, SO I HAD TO TAKE A COUPLE OF BUSES. AS FOR MY PARENTS, I JUST TOLD THEM I'D STAY AT A FRIEND'S.
KARKAT: *YES*, WE ALL GOT WARNED ABOUT HOW DOING THIS KIND OF SHIT WAS LIKE PLAYING WITH FIRE. BUT I FIGURED I COULD HANDLE MYSELF, SEEING AS I WASN'T A LITTLE KID ANYMORE.
KARKAT: ONCE I GOT THERE, THOUGH, HE WAS CLEARLY A LOT OLDER THAN 18. MORE LIKE MID-TWENTIES OR SOMETHING. AND HE WAS REALLY PUSHY ABOUT WANTING TO GET IN MY PANTS.
KARKAT: I WASN'T HAVING THAT SHIT, SO I SAID NO. REPEATEDLY.
KARKAT: I DIDN'T REALLY FEEL LIKE STAYING THERE ANYMORE, BUT IT WAS ALREADY LATE, AND I WASN'T SURE I WAS GONNA BE ABLE TO GET HOME. BUT I STILL WASN'T GONNA GET PRESSURED INTO SOMETHING I DIDN'T WANT.
KARKAT: BUT HE JUST KEPT... BEGGING.
KARKAT: NOTHING FORCEFUL AT ALL. HE JUST KEPT SAYING HOW LONELY HE WAS, HOW MUCH HE'D BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING ME OVER, HOW SORRY HE WAS FOR LYING ABOUT HIS AGE.
KARKAT: I STARTED FEELING BAD. IT DIDN'T SEEM RIGHT ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME OR TO CRASH ON THE COUCH FOR FREE, ALL THE WHILE MAKING HIM OUT TO BE A CREEP.
KARKAT: SO EVENTUALLY, I RELENTED.
KARKAT: I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD TAKE THINGS EASY, PLAY AROUND A LITTLE, SEE WHAT I WAS COMFORTABLE WITH DOING. AND THEN, WHO KNOWS, MAYBE IT COULD STILL BE FUN FOR ME.
KARKAT: BUT WHENEVER I TRIED TO SIGNAL THAT I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE, HE JUST KEPT GOING ANYWAY.
KARKAT: I THOUGHT IT WAS MY FAULT FOR AGREEING TO IT AND THEN HAVING DUMB HANGUPS ALL OVER THE PLACE, SO I ENDED UP DOING PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING HE WANTED.
KARKAT: WE DIDN'T DO ANY ANAL, SO THERE WAS NO BIG STI SCARE, BUT I STILL FELT GROSS AFTERWARD.
KARKAT: THE DAY AFTER, I TRIED TO MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND OVER CHAT THAT I REALLY WASN'T OK WITH HOW THINGS HAD GONE DOWN. BUT ALL HE SEEMED TO CARE ABOUT WAS TO GET ME BACK UNDER THE COVERS AND HAVE FUN WITH ME ONE MORE TIME.
KARKAT: SO I CUT MY LOSSES AND BLOCKED HIM.
KARKAT: AT THAT POINT, I SHOULD'VE TOLD SOMEBODY. MY PARENTS. A TEACHER. ANYONE.
KARKAT: BUT THAT MEANT I'D HAVE TO OUT MYSELF AT THE SAME TIME. AND HAVE TO START OFF ARGUING AGAINST ALL THE SHITTY PREJUDICES ABOUT GAY PEOPLE THAT THIS LITTLE FUCKUP PROBABLY WOULD'VE VALIDATED IN THEIR EYES.
KARKAT: I FIGURED I'D JUST GOTTEN UNLUCKY, AND THAT I'D BE MORE CAREFUL NEXT TIME.
KARKAT: SO I TRIED AGAIN.
KARKAT: THE NEXT GUY WAS ABOUT THE SAME AGE AS THE LAST. DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO LIE ABOUT IT THIS TIME. ALL I ASKED WAS NO SEX ON THE FIRST DATE.
KARKAT: BUT OF COURSE THAT WAS ALL HE CARED ABOUT TOO, AND HE MANAGED TO COAX ME INTO IT ALL THE SAME. BY BEGGING LONG ENOUGH.
KARKAT: SAME THING WHEN IT HAPPENED A THIRD TIME.
KARKAT: IT'S LIKE THEY WERE ALL WORKING OFF OF THE SAME SCRIPT. OR MAYBE IT WAS WRITTEN ON MY FACE THAT THIS TACTIC JUST WORKED EXTREMELY WELL ON ME.
KARKAT: BY THEN, ALL OF THIS HAD REALLY STARTED FUCKING WITH MY HEAD.
KARKAT: I KEPT ON MEETING WITH OLDER GUYS. BUT I'D DROPPED ALL THE PRETENSE OF LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP. THEY JUST BECAME HOOKUPS AT THAT POINT.
KARKAT: SINCE THAT WAS THE ONLY THING I WAS GOOD FOR, APPARENTLY.
KARKAT: GIVING SOME FLEETING PLEASURE TO THE NEXT ASSHOLE WHO LIKED GETTING OFF ON FUCKING A TEENAGER.
KARKAT: IT WAS THE ONLY WAY I KNEW HOW TO FEEL USEFUL FOR SOMETHING.
KARKAT: I STARTED KEEPING A STASH OF CONDOMS AND LUBE. I KEPT IT BEHIND THE DRAWERS OF THE CUPBOARD IN MY ROOM, SO MY PARENTS WOULDN'T FIND IT IF THEY DID A SEARCH.
KARKAT: IT WAS LAUGHABLY UNHEALTHY. AND I WASN'T EVEN IN MY FINAL YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL.
KARKAT: I USED TO BE A PASSABLE STUDENT. NOTHING SPECTACULAR, BUT I WAS WELL ON TRACK TO BEING ABLE TO GO TO COLLEGE EVENTUALLY.
KARKAT: BUT AROUND THAT TIME, MY GRADES STARTED SLIPPING. SO MUCH SO THAT MY PARENTS GOT WORRIED.
KARKAT: THEY TRIED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT. AND FOR ONCE, THEY WERE DOING A GOOD JOB. NO BLAME. JUST AFFIRMING THEIR LOVE AND WANTING TO KNOW IF I WAS ALRIGHT.
KARKAT: BUT I STONEWALLED THEM. I WAS JUST TOO FAR GONE. SO MUCH SHIT HAD HAPPENED THAT I COULDN'T EVEN BEGIN TALKING ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
KARKAT: NOT ALL OF THE GUYS I CHATTED UP WERE PERVS, OF COURSE.
KARKAT: A LOT OF THEM SAID THEY WEREN'T LOOKING FOR A KID AND THAT I SHOULD STOP MESSAGING THEM. SOME OF THEM WERE PRETTY SHOCKED ABOUT THE THINGS I WAS TALKING ABOUT AND WERE GENUINELY CONCERNED.
KARKAT: ONE OF THEM EVEN SENT ME A LINK TO THIS CHARITY. SOME ANTI-ABUSE THING, WITH A HOTLINE WHERE I COULD TALK ABOUT WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING TO ME AND ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT BOUNDARIES AND SHIT.
KARKAT: HE NEEDED TO KNOW WHERE I LIVED TO SEE IF IT OPERATED IN MY AREA. BUT THAT WASN'T A PROBLEM, I WAS REALLY UPFRONT ABOUT MY PERSONAL INFORMATION TO BEGIN WITH.
KARKAT: IT WAS "QUEER-INCLUSIVE". SO THAT MEANT THEY'D SAY "YOUR GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND" INSTEAD OF ASSUMING I WAS STRAIGHT? WOW, GEE FUCKING WHIZ, RIGHT?
KARKAT: I THANKED HIM KINDLY BUT SAID NAH. WHAT'S DONE IS DONE. IF I HAD REGRETS, I WAS GONNA KEEP THEM IN THE PAST WHERE THEY BELONGED.
KARKAT: THERE WAS ONE TIME WHERE I WENT TO MEET UP WITH A GUY IN HIS CAR. IT WAS SOMEONE I'D HOOKED UP WITH BEFORE.
KARKAT: BUT WHEN I GOT THERE, IT TURNED OUT HE'D SECRETLY BROUGHT A FRIEND ALONG.
KARKAT: THEY BOTH WANTED TO FUCK ME. AND SURE, I MIGHT'VE BEEN OPEN TO THAT. BUT THE FACT THAT I DIDN'T GET TOLD BEFOREHAND REALLY PISSED ME OFF.
KARKAT: SO I FLAT OUT REFUSED. KEPT STANDING MY GROUND AND SAYING NO. IT WAS LIKE THE FIRST TIME ALL OVER AGAIN.
KARKAT: BUT HE JUST KEPT BEGGING AND TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL SAD.
KARKAT: SO, EVENTUALLY, I SAID "OKAY".
KARKAT: NOT EVEN A "YEAH", JUST AN "OKAY". THAT'S ALL I COULD MUSTER.
KARKAT: I TRIED TO MAKE THE MOST OF IT. IT WAS KINDA HOT. I REMEMBER THINKING THAT THE OTHER GUY WAS A GREAT KISSER.
KARKAT: I WENT HOME AFTER THAT, NOT REALLY FEELING MUCH OF ANYTHING.
KARKAT: I KIND OF TRY TO HOLD ON TO THAT EXAMPLE.
KARKAT: BECAUSE, LOOKING BACK ON IT NOW, IT WAS THE MOST OBVIOUSLY FUCKING EXPLOITATIVE THING ANY OF THEM EVER DID TO ME.
KARKAT: JUST PASS ME ALONG TO HIS FRIEND LIKE A REUSABLE CUMRAG. SHARING IS CARING, HUH?
KARKAT: AND YET, AT THE TIME, IT SEEMED NORMAL.
KARKAT: AND WHAT HARM COULD IT HAVE DONE ANYWAY? MY SELF-IMAGE WAS ALREADY IN THE SHITTER.
KARKAT: ACTUALLY, SCRATCH THAT. I *AM* THE SHITTER. IT IS ME.
KARKAT: I'M BASICALLY A BIG TOILET SCOOPING UP SHIT AND CUM FROM ANY ASSHOLE WHO'S BORED AND WANTS A QUICK FUCK.
KARKAT: JUST COME AND SHIT RIGHT IN MY MOUTH. THAT'S THE PUBLIC SERVICE I PROVIDE. NO NO NO, PUT YOUR WALLET AWAY, IT'S FREE! JUST SAY "PLEASE" A BUNCH AND OPEN SESAME GOES THE SEPTIC TANK.
KARKAT: AND WATCH OUT FOR THE DRIED CUM AND PISS THAT'S BUILT UP AND CAKED ALL AROUND ME. DON'T WANNA SLIP AND HURT YOURSELF.
KARKAT: YEAH, YEAH, THAT WAS NEEDLESSLY DISGUSTING, WHATEVER. BUT THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF A LOT OF THE TIME.
KARKAT: BUT THE TURNING POINT CAME NOT THAT LONG AFTER. AND NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED TO ME THAT TIME.
KARKAT: I WAS OUT AFTER DARK THAT EVENING, WALKING HOME.
KARKAT: THERE WEREN'T MANY OTHER PEOPLE AROUND. BASICALLY JUST ME AND ONE OTHER PERSON WHOSE OUTLINE I'D CAUGHT FROM THE CORNER OF MY EYE.
KARKAT: AS TIME WENT ON, I KEPT HEARING THEIR FOOTSTEPS, AND I STARTED FEELING LIKE I WAS GETTING FOLLOWED.
KARKAT: SO I STARTED TO JOG, AND THEN I HEARD THE FOOTSTEPS SPEED UP TOO.
KARKAT: THAT SENT ME INTO PANIC MODE AND I FUCKING BOOKED IT. I DIDN'T EVEN CHECK TO SEE IF I WAS ACTUALLY BEING CHASED.
KARKAT: MY HEART WAS POUNDING OUT OF MY THROAT. I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA GET RAPED. I JUST WANTED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.
KARKAT: BUT ANOTHER PART OF ME THOUGHT I SHOULD JUST GIVE UP AND LET IT HAPPEN.
KARKAT: THAT TERRIFIED ME EVEN MORE. WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH ME?
KARKAT: WHEN I THOUGHT I'D LOST HIM, I HID SOMEPLACE AND CALLED THE COPS. TOLD THEM I THOUGHT I WAS IN DANGER.
KARKAT: AND THEY ACTUALLY CAME AND ARRESTED WHOEVER THE FUCK THAT WAS. APPARENTLY, IT WAS SOME DUDE WHO WAS KNOWN IN THE AREA FOR BEING A SEX OFFENDER, AND HEARING THAT *REALLY* FREAKED ME OUT.
KARKAT: WHEN I GOT HOME, I AVOIDED MY PARENTS LIKE USUAL, LOCKED MYSELF IN MY ROOM, AND THEN DIDN'T GET ANY SLEEP ALL NIGHT.
KARKAT: IN HINDSIGHT, IT WAS A CLASSIC PTSD RESPONSE. I WAS DESPERATE TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT IT TO HELP CALM ME DOWN.
KARKAT: BUT I HAD NOBODY. I HADN'T TALKED TO ANY OF MY OLD FRIENDS FOR MONTHS, AND MY ONLY CONTACTS WERE THE TYPES WHO GOT ME INTO THIS DOWNWARD SPIRAL IN THE FIRST PLACE.
KARKAT: AND MY PARENTS WERE A NO-GO. THEY STILL DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS GAY. HOW THE FUCK WOULD I EVEN BEGIN TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING?
KARKAT: THE NEXT DAY, I DECIDED THAT I NEVER WANTED TO GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN, AND I ACTUALLY WENT BACK AND LOOKED UP THAT CHARITY I GOT SENT.
KARKAT: CALLING THAT HOTLINE WAS SO AWKWARD IT WAS LIKE TORTURE.
KARKAT: "HELLO, YEAH, GOOD MORNING, MY NAME IS KARKAT AND I'M 16 YEARS OLD..."
KARKAT: I WAS STAMMERING SO HARD. FIGHTING AGAINST MY THROAT CLOSING UP JUST FROM EXPLAINING THE MOST SURFACE-LEVEL DETAILS.
KARKAT: AND IT KIND OF BLEW UP FROM THERE.
KARKAT: I'LL SKIP THE SPECIFICS. SUFFICE IT TO SAY, THEY ASIGNED AN ADVOCATE TO ME, PROVIDED EMOTIONAL SUPPORT, REFERRED ME TO WORKSHOPS, AND SO ON.
KARKAT: AND ALSO GAVE ME PAMPHLETS. AH YES, THE FUCKING PAMPHLETS.
KARKAT: MY PARENTS GOT INFORMED, TOO. THAT'S PRECISELY THE THING I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE HAPPEN GOING INTO THIS, BUT I GUESS IT WAS FOR THE BEST.
KARKAT: THAT CONVERSATION WITH THEM WAS SO STRANGE. IT WAS ALMOST FUNNY.
KARKAT: THEY WERE SITTING THERE, MORTIFIED. JUST IN COMPLETE SHOCK. TRYING TO FIND A PLACE FOR THIS OUTLANDISH REALITY THAT I'D BEEN LIVING IN.
KARKAT: I WAS LIKE A COMPLETE STRANGER TO THEM. OR AN ALIEN.
KARKAT: FINALLY FIGURED OUT THAT THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND A THING ABOUT ME, HUH?
KARKAT: BUT I FELT AWFUL TOO. THEY'D ALWAYS MEANT WELL. AND THEY TRUSTED ME ENOUGH TO LET ME DO MY THING. IN RETURN, I PUT THEM THROUGH ALL OF THIS.
KARKAT: BUT LIKE MY ADVOCATE ALWAYS SAID, THE FINAL RESPONSIBILITY LIES WITH THE PERPETRATORS.
KARKAT: THERE WAS LEGAL ACTION. SOME OF THAT'S STILL GOING ON.
KARKAT: YOU KNOW, SINCE A LOT OF WHAT THOSE GUYS DID TECHNICALLY COUNTS AS STATUTORY RAPE. OTHERWISE, THERE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A CASE AT ALL.
KARKAT: AFTER PROVIDING ALL THE EVIDENCE I COULD, I WENT COLD TURKEY AND DELETED ALL THOSE APPS FROM MY PHONE.
KARKAT: WITH THE SUPPORT I GOT, I ACTUALLY MANAGED TO FINISH HIGH SCHOOL AND MAKE IT TO COLLEGE.
KARKAT: THAT'S WHERE I MET MY CURRENT BOYFRIEND. A *REAL* ONE THIS TIME. NOT SOME CREEP REARING UP TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME.
KARKAT: AND HE'S SO GREAT I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE IT. JUST THE MOST DIVINE, KIND, ADORABLE FUCKING HUMAN SPECIMEN IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
KARKAT: HE'S ALSO REALLY SUPPORTIVE ABOUT MY HISTORY.
KARKAT: AND THAT *SHOULD* BE WHAT I WANT. BUT SOMETIMES, I WISH HE DIDN'T CARE SO MUCH.
KARKAT: BECAUSE I CAN SEE HOW IT BREAKS HIS HEART TO HEAR HOW I TALK ABOUT MYSELF SOMETIMES.
KARKAT: I CAN'T HELP IT, ALRIGHT? I COPE BY SPEAKING UP ABOUT HOW I FEEL, FOR BETTER OR WORSE. AND HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO LIE OR MINIMIZE WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH, EITHER. HE TOLD ME AS MUCH. AND HE'D SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME ANYWAY.
KARKAT: AT FIRST, HE TRIED TO GIVE PUSHBACK, TALK ME OUT OF THOSE THOUGHT PATTERNS. AND HE WAS SAYING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.
KARKAT: BUT IT'S NO USE, SO NOWADAYS HE JUST HOLDS ME AFFECTIONATELY WHILE I GO ON MY RANTS.
KARKAT: ON AN INTELLECTUAL LEVEL, I *KNOW* ALL OF THOSE THINGS. I *KNOW* IT WASN'T MY FAULT. I *KNOW* THOSE ASSHOLES CYNICALLY TARGETED A VULNERABLE TEEN WHO WAS EASY TO MANIPULATE INTO COMPLIANCE AND WOULDN'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT, SO THAT'S WHY IT HAD TO BE ME.
KARKAT: AND IF I IMAGINE LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE IN MY SITUATION, THEN I'M FULLY ON BOARD. IN FACT, I'LL PERSONALLY COME AND SKULLFUCK ANYONE TO DEATH FOR DOING THE SAME THINGS TO THEM AS THEY DID TO ME.
KARKAT: BUT I JUST CAN'T APPLY THAT REASONING TO MYSELF, SORRY.
KARKAT: MAYBE SOMEDAY, BUT NOT RIGHT NOW.
KARKAT: I REALIZE THIS HAS SOUNDED PRETTY BLEAK, BUT I ACTUALLY AM DOING NOTICEABLY BETTER.
KARKAT: IT HASN'T BEEN A ONE WAY STREET. SOMETIMES I BACKSLIDE AND FEEL LIKE SHIT AGAIN. AND I BEAT MYSELF UP FOR IT.
KARKAT: BUT AT OTHER TIMES, I HAVE REALLY NICE DAYS, AND I ACTUALLY FEEL SOME MEASURE OF PRIDE FOR HOW FAR I'VE COME. IT GIVES ME HOPE THAT THINGS WILL EVENTUALLY KEEP IMPROVING.
KARKAT: THAT HOPE IS WHAT KEEPS ME GOING.
KARKAT: THAT MAYBE, ONE DAY, I'LL STOP BEING SUCH A BLACK HOLE, AND THAT MY BOYFRIEND WILL GET MORE OUT OF ME THAN HE PUTS IN.
KARKAT: AND THAT I'LL SORT MY SHIT OUT ENOUGH TO BE IN A POSITION TO HELP OTHERS. I FEEL REALLY STRONGLY ABOUT THAT.
KARKAT: IN THE MEANTIME, I'M GONNA KEEP WORKING AT IT. TO MAKE UP FOR MY MISTAKES.
KARKAT: I KNOW THAT'S NOT WHAT I *SHOULD* BE SAYING, BUT RIGHT NOW, IT'S WHAT GIVES ME MOTIVATION.
KARKAT: ALRIGHT, ENOUGH OF THIS NOW. GOT SHIT TO DO.

Chapter Text

DAVE: you know what pisses me off
DAVE: damn did i really just kick off with that like some kind of old man
DAVE: just because im getting dangerously close to 30 doesnt mean i gotta sound like your neighborhood curmudgeonly dad with a walking cane up his keister
DAVE: you know what grinds my gears
DAVE: followed by a family guy cutaway
DAVE: right
DAVE: you know how my bro slash actually my father used to beat me up right
DAVE: and do a bunch of other shit that by all accounts constitutes a pretty bad fucking case of neglect
DAVE: of course you do cause everyone knows about it
DAVE: cant even crack a joke without ppl throwing all these silent portentous glances at each other like
DAVE: omg poor dave he got abused as a kid :(
DAVE: if you know it youll shit bricks
DAVE: so sad
DAVE: okay i dont wanna be bratty cause that was a serious heap of dogshit to work through and i dont know if id have managed at all if my friends werent supportive
DAVE: but thats the pg-13 side of things
DAVE: the players choice curated selection of trauma topics that we can actually talk about
DAVE: like a sumptuous buffet of nasty exotic dishes that taste like ass but everyone got used to anyway
DAVE: and be like yeah its an acquired taste but daves past is no longer a taboo we can all come together and support him or whatever
DAVE: versus that other side of my buffet where all the sexual stuff is
DAVE: theres no acquiring a taste for those delicacies because its like rotting pigs ass sprinkled with its own shit like a fine garnish
DAVE: i can offer but the people dont eat
DAVE: they just stare at it in shock and disgust not knowing what to say
DAVE: so they just dont say anything
DAVE: in fact im not even bringing that shit out of the kitchen anymore
DAVE: lifting the cover off of that plate would immediately make people run around vomiting over each other from smelling the deceased pig farts
DAVE: ok probably not as bad as that
DAVE: dont get me wrong my bro didnt like sexually abuse me or anything
DAVE: thank fuck for that
DAVE: didnt really need that to deal with on top of everything else
DAVE: but he did seem to try really hard in slightly less direct ways to not let me have boundaries
DAVE: like the goddamn cameras everywhere for example
DAVE: supposedly just to get my reaction to his fucked up pranks on film
DAVE: but it just made me feel like i was constantly being recorded
DAVE: while changing out of my clothes inside my own room
DAVE: or sneaking out to the fridge in my boyboxers in the middle of the night
DAVE: or jerking off on the toilet
DAVE: i never found out in the end where exactly there were or werent cameras
DAVE: thinking purely rationally it seems more likely that there werent any in my room or in the bathroom
DAVE: but with my induced paranoia there may as well have been
DAVE: like i cant shake the suspicion that maybe that was the point of some of the insane shit he did
DAVE: to take away any concept of privacy from me growing up
DAVE: and then there were all of his porn magazines and other sexual materials that were way inappropriate to have lying all over the apartment with a kid around
DAVE: sometimes i had to actively avoid tripping over that stuff in between packing my lunchbox and making it out the door to go to primary school
DAVE: maybe he even put it in my way sometimes just to fuck with me
DAVE: which made me extra curious about what he was watching on his computer
DAVE: he never choked the chicken with me around but he also didnt bother hiding anything otherwise
DAVE: there were times when hed leave stuff like that open before leaving for a bit so of course i had to go take a look
DAVE: it was just your run of the mill porn that was slightly on the hardcore side
DAVE: like with everything i pretended to only be ironically unsettled by it
DAVE: cause of course i knew it was adult stuff that kids my age werent really supposed to see
DAVE: but i wasnt a pussy about it and i didnt have a soccer mom grounding me for looking at women in blouses so it wasnt my fucking problem
DAVE: heres the thing though
DAVE: its unsettling because you just physically lack the capacity to understand what all of it means at that age
DAVE: which in itself is reason enough not to bother
DAVE: but then afterwards when youre older you look back and realize the full context of what kid you got involved in
DAVE: and its already too late to make an informed decision
DAVE: so all you can hope is that youre ok with it after the fact
DAVE: but i digress
DAVE: taking all of that together plus pubescence plus unrestricted access to the internet
DAVE: well imagine what can happen
DAVE: i mean a lot of teenage boys go and discover weird ass porn when theyre way too young and give themselves really embarrassing fetishes for the rest of their lives
DAVE: but some of them make a stupid mistake by taking it even further
DAVE: and produce porn
DAVE: of themselves
DAVE: child porn
DAVE: like me
DAVE: i went on video chat platforms with the webcam on
DAVE: like skype or these chat roulette things from way back
DAVE: and sometimes i did it while jerking off
DAVE: for years afterward i used to rack my brain over why i did it
DAVE: i think i was just trying to be more like a grownup
DAVE: cause id leveled up and unlocked the epic ability to bust a nut like they did in the movies
DAVE: except i was just a little kid with no fucking idea what i was doing
DAVE: and instead of telling me to gtfo off the internet like admittedly a bunch of them did
DAVE: sometimes theyd instead goad me into continuing and ask me to do specific things
DAVE: or theyd be the ones to get me to whip it out in the first place
DAVE: often while pretending to be a girl with faked cam footage
DAVE: i mean i dont know for sure but i figure thats what happened
DAVE: classic online tactic for baiting straight boys
DAVE: which is what i still assumed i was at that point
DAVE: and i was well enough aware that they probably werent girls but i just played along anyway
DAVE: for ironys sake you know
DAVE: like ok im the one getting taken advantage of and transmitting my private place to strangers over the internet
DAVE: but HA youre the one watching a kid stroking his pubescent boy pecker so youre still gay and a pedo
DAVE: checkmate loser
DAVE: owned
DAVE: except in hindsight there wasnt really any ownage
DAVE: it mightve been exciting and daring in the moment
DAVE: but i always felt super gross afterward
DAVE: for having given online weirdos control over me and access to what shouldve been my privately developing sexuality
DAVE: but i thought that was just part of the game
DAVE: to feel stressed and powerless while trying to be strong and growing up like with everything in that nerve wracking household
DAVE: and it mightve been a lot less bad if id gotten the chance to ask some things or to have shit explained to me
DAVE: because its not like i got exposed to too little sexual stuff
DAVE: i mean fuck no
DAVE: but i couldve gotten some age appropriate context instead of drawing my own laughably stupid conclusions about everything on my own
DAVE: but yeah if i wasnt supposed to have seen it then i wasnt supposed to talk about it either
DAVE: i guess thats another disadvantage of my in and out track record with the schooling system later on
DAVE: not just the fact that i didnt learn about polynomials
DAVE: i probably also missed out on some peak high quality sex ed
DAVE: so yeah
DAVE: you know i dont even go on gay porn sites
DAVE: hahaha thats a lie of course i fucking do
DAVE: but whenever i do im scared as shit
DAVE: that when im scrolling down the front page hoping to squeeze one out
DAVE: that ill see a thumbnail with me in it
DAVE: because theres child porn all over those sites
DAVE: you dont even have to go looking for it
DAVE: im pretty sure a lot of that "twink" or "femboy" porn is just straight up underage
DAVE: and either a self recorded video on their phone that was never meant to get spread around and magically become porn
DAVE: or screen recorded off of live webcam footage without their consent
DAVE: which im 100% convinced mustve happened to me at least once
DAVE: and now its out there forever so future generations can have a nice kiddie wank at my expense
DAVE: and then theyd probably put "18 years old" in the title because of idk why really
DAVE: to hold off the feds maybe but thats definitely not how that works
DAVE: or to soothe the conscience of whoevers jacking off to that shit
DAVE: because a lot of the lil bros in those videos clearly aint 18
DAVE: my malnourished ass definitely didnt look 18
DAVE: in fact on some of them i wouldnt even have had pubes yet
DAVE: but i guess then the video would be titled """"shaved""""
DAVE: yeah thats right
DAVE: four pairs of scare quotes
DAVE: thats like an entire spider recognizing your pedo shit and giving it the side eye
DAVE: yeah thats my new mascot that i just invented
DAVE: anti cp spider
DAVE: and the fact that those vids are on there with tens of thousands of views and nobody seems to complain
DAVE: just makes you think
DAVE: holy shit theres a lot of pedos out there
DAVE: and sadly its not limited to porn
DAVE: while youre reading this sentence theres like thousands of child rapes going on this very instant
DAVE: just imagine what a pisstake that is
DAVE: you got sex forced on you but youre also not allowed to talk about it because sex aint appropriate for kids
DAVE: catch 22
DAVE: of course child safety organizations are doing solid work there
DAVE: but from the rest of society the deal youre getting is pretty piss poor
DAVE: you dont get anything explained to you because hush hush not until youre at least 29 years old
DAVE: all the while kids are openly getting the shit sexualized out of them
DAVE: and its only getting worse with parents uploading pictures to social media en masse where some contingent of people uses them for softcore fap fodder
DAVE: as well as kids themselves getting social media accounts
DAVE: look i may be a little hypersensitive to this kind of shit courtesy of my underage self possibly getting whored out on the internet forever
DAVE: its just something my mind jumps to really easily
DAVE: like you know that game omori
DAVE: no spoilers but i kept thinking like damn
DAVE: theres no way this cant be about sexual trauma
DAVE: but of course i knew that it couldnt actually be working up to that
DAVE: because that kind of thing isnt allowed to be out in the open
DAVE: except as a cheap joke or as this hushed up thing we cant actually talk about
DAVE: even though its a lot more commonplace than what actually goes on in that game
DAVE: but heres a more mundane example
DAVE: one of my friends has a 10 year old son
DAVE: and just recently he was talking to a 10 year old girl from his school
DAVE: and my friend had to do that toe curling dad thing of like
DAVE: oh hey junior is that your new girlfriend
DAVE: shes a cutie aint she
DAVE: hyuck hyuck hyuck
DAVE: dont be shy now junior
DAVE: and the 10 year old kid then has to wisely navigate the situation and express the right amount of embarrassment that satisfies all the societal pressures in order to get off the hook
DAVE: definitely not ask questions like
DAVE: hey dad does this mean im supposed to be getting a girlfriend at age 10
DAVE: no?
DAVE: then why are you being like this dad
DAVE: whats so fucking funny
DAVE: seeing that kind of shit triggers me like crazy
DAVE: it makes me wanna step in and loudly start explaining to the kid like
DAVE: yeah hey there squirt its just that sexual themes in an inappropriate context are just inherently funny to a lot of adults
DAVE: no there is no punchline
DAVE: yeah he still goes hyuck hyuck hyuck anyway
DAVE: the fact that youre visibly uncomfortable is whats funny
DAVE: actually in this context its socially acceptable
DAVE: dick move aint it
DAVE: i personally dont get kicks out of making children uncomfortable but thats just me
DAVE: but im not allowed to say that
DAVE: i wouldnt even trust myself with that anyway
DAVE: theres a delicate balance between clueing the kid in to useful age appropriate context thats being withheld from them
DAVE: versus saying wrong shit that theyre not ready for and thereby being part of the problem
DAVE: with my scrambled brain im much more likely to veer hard into the second category
DAVE: but i do try sometimes
DAVE: like with my goddaughter
DAVE: she just got out of kindergarten and has started asking some questions that make the adults uncomfortable
DAVE: but im like
DAVE: why would she not be asking questions when shit like that is all around us all the time
DAVE: so i try to answer truthfully with the right amount of detail
DAVE: and the mom half jokingly goes sshhhshshhsh dont be so dirty
DAVE: but im not trying to be dirty
DAVE: it could help them be less vulnerable in situations that arent right
DAVE: like if anyone tries to take advantage of them
DAVE: in fact for all you know theyve gotten sexually assaulted already and youre dangling the manual on how to deal with that over them like a carrot on a stick
DAVE: i mean i sure as fuck hope not
DAVE: but thats the kind of thought that goes through my head on the regular
DAVE: from having the balance tilted way too far in the wrong direction when i was a kid
DAVE: and i just want to prevent others growing up in that same swamp of confusion and getting burned if at all possible
DAVE: even if i cant explain why i feel this way in a manner thats socially acceptable
DAVE: cause of deceased pig farts
DAVE: so yeah
DAVE: as my new friend the anti cp spider would say
DAVE: eight thumbs up for child safety
DAVE: keeping some eyes out for our kids
DAVE: all the eyes
DAVE: now i gotta go cause theres a pedophile caught in my web so watch me shit a massive strand out of my pulsating butthole and ollie on outta here
DAVE: cya

Chapter Text

HARRY: i might have fucked up today...
HARRY: i came clean about some old stuff and now i'm not sure if that was really a good idea.
HARRY: i was hoping i could do it on my own terms. well, that pretty much went out the window as soon as dad got weird about it.
HARRY: actually, weird is an understatement. he pretty much flipped his shit.
HARRY: not in an angry way, at least. i mean, that would've made no sense. but still, it was a lot to deal with...
HARRY: i probably should've seen it coming. something like this was gonna hit pretty hard no matter the circumstance.
HARRY: guess that's my bad. :/
HARRY: and now mom is getting involved too. i can still hear my dad arguing with her on the phone while i'm up here, pretending i can actually get some sleep.
HARRY: they're talking over my head like i'm a little kid again. i get that they're concerned for me, but this kinda sucks.
HARRY: do they even realize i'm practically an adult?
HARRY: yeah, that's right! turning 18 in a couple months. booyeah.
HARRY: sorry, i'm trying to cheer myself up a little, haha.
HARRY: today was kind of awful.
HARRY: but i'll start at the beginning.
HARRY: by all accounts, i'm a pretty normal dude.
HARRY: except i'm into theater and costume design despite being straight. hehe.
HARRY: don't believe me? i've had a girlfriend for over a year now, almost 2 in fact. celebrated valentine's day with her last month.
HARRY: and yeah, we went to third base. ;)
HARRY: she's pretty awesome.
HARRY: but what people don't know is that something not-so-normal happened to me once.
HARRY: and by not-so-normal, i mean something actually really gruesome and criminal.
HARRY: although i like to be kind of casual and sarcastic about it, to keep things light-hearted.
HARRY: i get that it might come off as weird though.
HARRY: you sure you wanna hear about it? alright.
HARRY: so, it happened a few years ago. before dad came back into my life, but not by that much.
HARRY: i was pretty independent then already. my mom would let me bike to school, and i also went shopping by myself during the weekends.
HARRY: i'd already gotten into fashion and costume design by that point, and was making regular visits to the mall to scope out new fabrics and tools with my allowance.
HARRY: the mall wasn't in the absolute best part of town, but it was alright. i could take care of myself.
HARRY: on that day, i'd biked there like usual to go for a new haul. but first, i had to go piss.
HARRY: so after i chained up my bike, i went inside to the restroom.
HARRY: i didn't really like standing at urinals next to all the adults, so i took a stall like i usually do, even if it was just for number 1.
HARRY: after i finished up, that's where it got surreal.
HARRY: when i tried to get out of the stall, some man or another opened the door and forced himself in, then locked it behind him. i got startled and sat back down on the toilet lid.
HARRY: i guess he'd seen me go in earlier and had been waiting for his chance.
HARRY: i was a bit of a pretty boy since i'd already started taking care of my looks, so maybe that helped make me a target. who knows.
HARRY: i didn't get a good look at his face since i was too scared to look up. i did see from the corner of my eye that he had graying hair, though.
HARRY: he also had a knife.
HARRY: without saying anything, he unbuckled his pants and whipped out his cock. then he put his hand on the back of my head and started pulling me in, while keeping the knife pointed at me with his other hand.
HARRY: i went over it in my head for a split second and decided that i didn't want to get stabbed, so i opened wide.
HARRY: crazy shit, right? one moment i'm just a 9th grader minding my own business on the pot, and the next, i'm getting orally raped by some bozo.
HARRY: it was really fucking disgusting. i gagged pretty hard at first, but he wouldn't give me a break, so my survival instinct kicked in and i managed to keep breathing through my nose. i heard him moan a bit too.
HARRY: i don't know if anyone heard what was going on. somebody might have, but i'm betting they didn't do anything since it probably wasn't the first time something like this ever happened in that restroom. except usually it'd be consensual, i think.
HARRY: it seemed to go on forever. at some point, i wondered if i should try and bite it off. but i figured it wasn't worth the risk, and that he'd probably be done with me soon anyway.
HARRY: and i was right, kind of. he came, but he still wouldn't let me pull back. so i got all of that in my mouth. it was the grossest thing i'd ever tasted, and i gagged again.
HARRY: but he held my head in place until i'd swallowed it all.
HARRY: and after that, he just fucked off.
HARRY: i was just glad it was over.
HARRY: after waiting for half a minute, i ran to the sink to rinse out my mouth, and then bolted out of there as fast as i could.
HARRY: while biking home, i was trying to come up with a cover story for why i hadn't bought anything this time.
HARRY: i was terrified that mom would find out what i'd been up to, and that i'd get grounded.
HARRY: or worse, that i'd never be allowed to go places by myself anymore.
HARRY: to add insult to injury, some kids at school had been bullying me because of my hobbies and how i looked, saying i was gay.
HARRY: and now i'd literally given someone a blowjob. kind of like they'd been proven right. i was really upset about that.
HARRY: yeah, fucked up, right? but that's what my thought process was like right after it happened.
HARRY: it also messed me up pretty bad for a while. had nightmares, panic attacks, that sort of stuff.
HARRY: i put away the clothes i'd had on that day and never wore them again. i'd made them myself, and i was pretty proud of them too!
HARRY: but i just couldn't stomach the thought of putting them on again. thankfully, i outgrew them soon anyway and my mom got rid of them.
HARRY: as the months went by, the immediate consequences gradually went away, just in time before mom might've started asking some serious questions. i think i mostly got over it after a year.
HARRY: and by "got over it", i mean i can look back rationally on what happened and give it a place.
HARRY: that doesn't mean i'm not still pissed about it, though. how could i not be?
HARRY: i had every right to be there. just a kid minding my own business. and i got fucking brutalized. what kind of human-shaped piece of garbage does that to a child??
HARRY: worst of all, it probably wasn't the first time he did that, or the last.
HARRY: thinking about this still really pisses me off. holy fuck.
HARRY: hence i try not to ponder it too much. :/
HARRY: that's really my one regret. by not telling anyone, i let him go free. although, by the time i might've been ready to talk about it, it was probably too late to have a shot at catching him anyway.
HARRY: he didn't look very healthy, though. maybe he died shortly after. that'd be fucking great.
HARRY: yeah, let's just go with that.
HARRY: but yeah, i never told anyone about it. never really felt the need to.
HARRY: it's my private sexual shit. at the end of the day, that's nobody's business but my own.
HARRY: especially not my mom's. fucking barf.
HARRY: and therapy never seemed that alluring to me either. sitting in a circle, telling a bunch of other guys what i went through, and then having to sit through their stories as well? yeah, no thanks.
HARRY: don't worry, though. i promised myself that i'd seek out help if i needed it. it's just that i... don't. at least not thusfar.
HARRY: thinking logically, there's almost no way it isn't affecting my life on some level, but i can't really see any specific impact right now.
HARRY: i mean, that's genuinely what i think, even if it sounds like i'm coping. :p
HARRY: it's not like i don't dare to go into public bathrooms anymore. i just got more careful about it.
HARRY: it does pop into my head sometimes, though, and that makes me wince. but it's more like remembering something really gross and embarrassing from long ago, rather than, like, PTSD.
HARRY: somewhere down the line, i met my girlfriend, and we hit it off just fine. dating and making out was great! :D
HARRY: okay, yeah, i might've held off on getting intimate a little longer than i would've otherwise... i couldn't shake the fear that an experience like mine *should* have fucked me up sexually, so i was preemptively worried about that.
HARRY: when we did do the nasty, i had it somewhere in the back of my mind, and yeah, that did suck. but it didn't ruin the fun in the end.
HARRY: sure, had to fumble and explore a bit to figure out what worked, but that's normal for your first time, isn't it?
HARRY: yeah, i call that my first time. for the purpose of truth or dare, but also in general. i don't give a shit about arguments over whether it's technically correct.
HARRY: it also helps that she enjoys taking charge for the most part, that turns out to be working pretty well for me!
HARRY: awesome girlfriend, anyone? can i just say that again? :p
HARRY: but yeah, i think i'm doing just fine, personally.
HARRY: who knows, maybe i'll suddenly have a big freakout about it when i'm 40. but i doubt it tbh.
HARRY: i will say one thing, though. and it's important for later.
HARRY: every so often, i would have someone tell me about treating girls with respect. and keeping an eye out for their safety, that kind of thing.
HARRY: either it's the sex ed teacher saying it, or people at school, or some random grandpa out on the street.
HARRY: and sure, it's a good message. girls run a high risk of so much terrible shit out there. :(
HARRY: but i don't like how they point at *me* like i don't know that respecting boundaries is important. and also like it wasn't necessary for anyone to look out for *my* safety.
HARRY: i have to grit my teeth pretty hard when that happens. and i'm never able to come out and say why for obvious reasons. :/
HARRY: same thing when people think i'm sheltered, presuming that i never had to deal with serious shit growing up like some of my friends did, and give me attitude for that.
HARRY: i mean, it's possible that they have a point. i had a good enough time with mom, i've generally been pretty popular at school. tav definitely doesn't have that going for him.
HARRY: but still, i think to myself... like, lmao. if only you knew i got facially violated inside a bathroom stall by some old geezer right after junior high. you'd stop giving me shit pretty fast.
HARRY: it's so wildly out of left field, almost comically screwed up.
HARRY: you can't read these things off of my face, so don't go and presume, ok?
HARRY: so, flash forward to today.
HARRY: this morning, i'd gone over to my dad's place to hang out. nine bazillionth day of fatherly bonding or whatever the fuck.
HARRY: he's such a tryhard. but it's okay. a lot of the time, we just watch a movie and he tries to dadsplain every detail of it to me.
HARRY: he also likes to hit me over the head with stories from when he was young and impart his great dadly wisdom onto me, or something like that.
HARRY: i found it annoying at first, but now i'm like weirdly habituated to it.
HARRY: on the one hand, he embarrasses himself continuously. and his constant professions of being "proud" of me ring pretty hollow, since i barely get any chance to tell him about myself at all.
HARRY: on the other hand, it's somehow flattering that he's always so excited to spend time with me.
HARRY: and i *did* use to spend a long time wondering what having a dad would be like. at least now i don't have to do that anymore. for better or for worse.
HARRY: recently though, these dadly lessons have started being about chivalry. you know, respect women, not be a piece of trash, look out for their safety, that sort of thing.
HARRY: i don't get it. what could be making him so concerned about this all of a sudden? but whatever.
HARRY: it's obnoxious for all the same reasons i mentioned earlier. except here it feels even worse somehow?
HARRY: out of everyone, he should have been trying to understand me a little better. but here i was, having hangouts with dad, trying to play it cool while being reminded of the worst moments of my life over and over again.
HARRY: it made me feel tense and queasy inside. like on a really deep level. as if it was eating away at me pretty hard after all.
HARRY: at some point, i figured i might as well come out and say it, so i opened my mouth... and no words came out.
HARRY: it's weird. i remember pretty well what went down. and i've got no problem facing up to the fact that it happened.
HARRY: but when i tried to say it out loud, in words, i hit a wall.
HARRY: my dad looked at me kinda funny. so i told him i lost my train of thought, and that was that.
HARRY: a while later, i tried again. same thing.
HARRY: as soon as i wanted to talk about it, it was like that part of my brain just said nope, and shut down immediately.
HARRY: my dad could tell something was up, but all i could do was say sorry, and try to change the subject.
HARRY: but i'd definitely screwed up and made him start worrying.
HARRY: so that's when i decided i had to go through with it and tell him. in whichever way that worked.
HARRY: if i couldn't talk about it out loud, then maybe writing it on paper would work better. so today, i brought a note that i'd printed out earlier, folded up in my pocket. kept that thing really close. i REALLY didn't want it to suddenly fly off somewhere.
HARRY: i wanted to be out of the house while he read it. so i'd started off the note saying i'd gone for a walk and that i'd be back soon. just so it wouldn't look like... you know. that'd be a pretty stupid misunderstanding lol.
HARRY: and then after that was the rundown. just the basic facts of what happened to me, none of the graphic details. putting it in writing gave me the chance to word it precisely the way i was comfortable sharing it.
HARRY: and lastly, an explanation on how some of the things he'd been going on about had been making me feel. i did my best to be gentle about it.
HARRY: i also made sure not to put in any swear words. dad still gets weird about those sometimes.
HARRY: when he was in the bathroom, i folded out the note and left it on the table, and went for a walk.
HARRY: gave it a good 15 minutes. didn't want to come back too early, but also not leave him hanging too long.
HARRY: i wasn't sure what i'd be coming back to. maybe he'd think i was pranking him. i mean, lol.
HARRY: or more likely, he'd freak out and start blowing things out of proportion, which i didn't want either. but we could both see that i'm doing just fine, so i figured that'd be enough to calm him down.
HARRY: when i got back, though, it was... wow. holy shit.
HARRY: he had this desperate, pleading look in his eyes that caught me off guard. he *actually* asked if the note was a prank. in fact, it was like he was begging for it to be one.
HARRY: but i stammered out a no.
HARRY: and then he just... broke.
HARRY: he started blubbering about how brave i was, how proud he was of me for speaking out, and how sorry he was. sorry for not being there to protect me, for never realizing how much i had been "suffering" apparently, and for being so worried about tav instead, way back.
HARRY: he was hugging me repeatedly. like, grabbing me, letting go, then grabbing me again like he didn't know what to do with himself, all the while crying and with my note still clutched in his hand.
HARRY: i was in shock. just absolutely fucking floored. and i started crying too.
HARRY: he also told me it was the worst thing he'd ever heard.
HARRY: i mean, really? sure, it's really bad, and writing it down drove that home for me, but really?
HARRY: after getting over the initial shock, i tried to tell him that it's not such a big deal and that i'm okay, but that just made him even more upset.
HARRY: i mean, jesus christ, dad. don't i get to decide this for myself? i just don't feel as victimized over this as he thought i would. shouldn't he be happy about that?
HARRY: he also did this dad thing where he swore he'd find the guy who did this to me and make him pay, while angrily shaking his fist. it wasn't intimidating in the slightest.
HARRY: how the hell would we even find him? go to the cops and get a composite drawn up? i never even got a good look at the dude, seeing as his cock was in my face almost the whole time.
HARRY: i didn't actually say that.
HARRY: then my dad said we had to tell mom, and he took out his phone. part of me wanted to stop him. but on the other hand, i had the feeling that he'd get crushed if he had to carry the weight of the secret on his own. so i let him be.
HARRY: but then he started telling mom that i'd gotten raped, and i could hear her freaking out as well, so i had to step in. took away the phone and tried to clarify that it actually happened years ago, but with tears still streaming down my face, which must've made me sound a lot more broken up about it than i actually am.
HARRY: ugh, that is really not how i wanted to have that conversation. :/
HARRY: so that's about when i told them i couldn't take it anymore for a bit and went up to the guestroom to plop into bed.
HARRY: i have to remind myself to be happy that they believed me and that they're supportive... it's just kind of hard to see the upside right now.
HARRY: we had a good thing going. i had my dad back, i got to bond with him through a slow and agonizing process, mom was chill about it.
HARRY: until i dropped this fucking bombshell. now i have no fucking idea where all of this is headed.
HARRY: because of my genius idea, i've got a dad who's freaking out so hard i don't even know if he's gonna be okay, and a mom who's probably gonna nag at me until i get professional help, which i just really really don't want to deal with right now.
HARRY: they're both going to blame themselves. if not each other. they're gonna try to find reasons for why i never went to mom about it after it happened. that's gonna be such a fucking mess.
HARRY: moreover, do i have to tell my girlfriend now? i feel like i owe it to her since it's the most relevant to her out of anyone, but i'm scared it's going to make things weird... i don't want her to think i've got damage, and that she needs to put the kid gloves on going forward.
HARRY: i was fine before, but now i'm actually really stressing out. i can't stop shaking lmao. this thing felt nice and far away, in the past, done deal. but now it's like i'm suddenly drowning in it.
HARRY: i just hope things will be less fucked up tomorrow. :(

Chapter Text

CALIBORN: WELL MET. AND WELCOME. TO THE FIFTH AND FINAL. AND NOT TO MENTION ONLY GOOD CHAPTER. OF THIS PATHETIC ASSPULL OF A FIC.
CALIBORN: GEE. YOU ARE PROBABLY THINKING. THAT SURE WAS AN EXPERIENCE. READING ABOUT ALL OF THOSE SAD LOSERS. WHO NOBODY CARES ABOUT. AND THEIR VARIOUS FORGETTABLE HANGUPS. OVER GETTING RAPED.
CALIBORN: HOW COURAGEOUS OF THEM. THAT THEY STEPPED FORWARD AND BROKE THE SILENCE. WHICH HAD ALREADY BEEN DEFTLY BROKEN. WITH A BEAUTIFUL SERENADE. BY ME. PERFORMING ON THE WORLD'S TINIEST VIOLIN.
CALIBORN: BUT WHY THESE STORIES SPECIFICALLY? WAS THERE A MEASURE OF INTENT BEHIND THEM? OR WAS IT ALL JUST A MASSIVE WASTE OF TIME?
CALIBORN: IN RESPONSE TO WHICH. I WOULD LIKE TO POSIT. "¿POR QUÉ NO LOS DOS?"
CALIBORN: THEREBY TAPPING INTO MY COSMOPOLITAN NATURE. AND INJECTING SOME SORELY NEEDED NON-ENGLISH CONTENT. INTO THIS PHILISTINE HORSESHIT.
CALIBORN: IN TRUTH. THE AUTHOR WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS SOME OF THESE QUESTIONS. AND DO SOME PERSONAL DISCLOSURES IN THE PROCESS. TO HELP EXPLAIN HIS MOTIVATIONS. AND MAKE SURE THAT JUSTICE IS DONE TO THE SUBJECT.
CALIBORN: BUT HE IS ALSO BEING A PUSSY. ABOUT MAINTAINING A DEGREE OF PRIVACY. AND NARRATIVE DENIABILITY.
CALIBORN: AND SO. IN A RARE STROKE OF GENIUS. HE HAS CALLED ON *ME*. THE PRINCIPAL AND MOST WELL-ROUNDED CHARACTER OF HOMESTUCK. TO APPROPRIATE THESE PERSPECTIVES. AND RELAY THEM ON HIS BEHALF.
CALIBORN: IN A WAY. I AM SIMPLY RECITING WORDS. THAT HAVE BEEN PUT IN MY MOUTH. WHICH IS THE ONLY FUCKING THING. THAT CHARACTERS EVER DO IN THE FIRST PLACE. MAKING HALF OF WHAT I JUST SAID. EXCEPTIONALLY FUCKING DUMB.
CALIBORN: ALTHOUGH I WILL ALSO GENEROUSLY. AND WITH KINDNESS EMANATING FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. BE PROVIDING COPIOUS AMOUNTS. OF WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE COMMENTARY.
CALIBORN: AND BEFORE YOU GET ALL SCARED. IT WILL NOT BE A TOUGH READ. FOR THESE PERSONAL NOTES ARE SO TAME. THAT THEY REALLY CRAMP THE STYLE OF THIS OTHERWISE EDGY FIC. AND BARELY EVEN QUALIFY. AS "NOT SAFE FOR WORK".
CALIBORN: CONSIDER IT A PALATE CLEANSER. WHEREIN WE ALL LAUGH OVER A FEW SEXCAPADES. AND REFLECT POIGNANTLY ON SOME *THEMES*. WHILE BASKING IN THE WARM AND SOOTHING GLOW. OF MY AWESOME SHITLORD PERSONA.
CALIBORN: *AHEM*
CALIBORN: FIRST OF ALL. IT APPEARS THAT I AM GAY.
CALIBORN: TO WHICH I SAY. BASED??????
CALIBORN: SEEING AS IT OBVIATES THE NEED. TO PURSUE EVERLASTING SUCCOR. WITH ODIOUS HARLOTS.
CALIBORN: I WAS 16 YEARS OLD. AND HAD DISCOVERED MY SEXUALITY NOT LONG BEFORE. BY GETTING A CRUSH ON A STRAIGHT BOY. WHO ALSO GOT ME OUTED TO THE WHOLE SCHOOL.
CALIBORN: (WHICH IS A SLIGHT EXAGGERATION. SINCE NOT EVERYONE KNEW WHO I WAS OR CARED. AND IT NEVER MADE IT UP TO THE FACULTY.)
CALIBORN: EITHER WAY. HE WAS KIND OF A JERK. WHICH I KNEW PERFECTLY WELL THE WHOLE TIME. EVEN WITH BUTTERFLIES IN MY STOMACH.
CALIBORN: YOU COULD SAY HE WAS JUST A USEFUL VEHICLE. FOR MY EPISODE OF GLORIOUS SELF-DISCOVERY.
CALIBORN: AND GETTING OUTED WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF FINE. BY VIRTUE OF ME HAVING THAT LIBERATING LATE TEENAGE PHILOSOPHY. OF NOT GIVING A SHIT WHAT ANYONE THOUGHT. AND THE ENVIRONMENT BEING SAFE ENOUGH. THAT I DIDN'T RISK ANYTHING BAD HAPPENING TO ME.
CALIBORN: NOR DID I GET ANY SUPPORT OR ANYTHING. IT WAS KIND OF AN IMPERSONAL SCHOOL.
CALIBORN: I THEN LOOKED ONLINE. AND FOUND AN ORGANIZATION. THAT DID OUTREACH TO QUEER YOUTH LIKE ME. AND WAS FUNDED BY THE GOVERNMENT.
CALIBORN: I BET YOU WISH YOU HAD THAT. IN YOUR PATHETIC SHAM OF A COUNTRY.
CALIBORN: I TOOK THE TRAIN THERE. AFTER TELLING MY MOM ABOUT IT. AND EVEN THOUGH HER RECEPTION TO THE LIKING BOYS THING. WAS INITIALLY KIND OF CRINGE AND NOT VERY SUPPORTIVE. SHE LET ME GO ANYWAY.
CALIBORN: WHICH WAS NICE OF HER. I GUESS.
CALIBORN: THE ACTIVITY IN QUESTION JUST CONSISTED. OF TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS AND SHIT. WHILE BEING AROUND A BUNCH OF OTHER GAY KIDS.
CALIBORN: WHICH I THINK WAS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. GETTING TO FEEL LIKE YOU WERE NORMAL. INSTEAD OF BEING THE ONE. WHO IS DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE.
CALIBORN: AND ALTHOUGH IT WASN'T MY GOAL. GOING THERE DID UNIQUELY PROVIDE THE OPPORTUNITY. TO ASK SOMEONE OUT. OR TO GET ASKED OUT. WITHOUT THE OBLIGATORY INTERVENING STEP. OF HAVING TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET FIRST. AND THE ASSOCIATED RISK. OF THE OTHER PERSON BEING STRAIGHT. CAUSING FATAL AMOUNTS OF EMBARRASSMENT.
CALIBORN: AND SO IT CAME TO PASS THAT A 17 YEAR OLD BOY. IMMEDIATELY HAD A THING FOR ME. AND FIRST CONDUCTED A CHARADE. OF WANTING TO BE "FRIENDS". AND INVITED ME THE WEEK AFTER. TO COME PLAY VIDEO GAMES AT HIS PARENT'S HOUSE. AS BROS ARE FAMOUSLY WONT TO DO.
CALIBORN: BUT ONCE I WAS THERE. HE CLUMSILY MADE HIS MOVE ON ME. WHILE WE WERE WATCHING AN EPISODE OF FRIENDS. AND I. THOUGH NERVOUS. HAPPILY RECIPROCATED.
CALIBORN: AND AFTER MAKING OUT A LITTLE. WHICH WAS MY FIRST KISS. WE ALSO WENT ON TO MESS AROUND.
CALIBORN: WHICH DEFINITELY HAPPENED FASTER THAN EITHER OF US HAD EXPECTED. BUT IT FELT NATURAL AND FUN. AND SO IT WAS PERFECTLY AND INCONTROVERTIBLY BASED.
CALIBORN: IT IS SIMPLY AN ELEMENT OF THE BRO CODE. TO PROCEED STRAIGHT TO THE HEAVY PETTING. AND SEE WHICH MALE CAN SEXUALLY DOMINATE THE OTHER. AS QUICKLY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
CALIBORN: WHAT ENSUED WAS A "RELATIONSHIP". WITH SCARE QUOTES DELIBERATELY CHOSEN. IN LIGHT OF THE TEENAGE INCOMPETENCE AT PLAY.
CALIBORN: BECAUSE YOU SEE. ALTHOUGH I MIGHT HAVE BEEN CUTE. AND FUNNY. AND POSESSING OF A CERTAIN CHARM.
CALIBORN: ONE COULD SAY. THAT I WAS A BIT SOCIALLY STUNTED. AND NOT *THAT* FUN TO HANG OUT WITH. OR VERY GOOD AT UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONS. LET ALONE BEING UP TO THE TASK. OF MAINTAINING A RELATIONSHIP.
CALIBORN: IT HAD A LOT OF FUN MOMENTS. BUT GOT INTO A RUT. AND ENDED A FEW MONTHS IN. WITH ME GETTING BROKEN UP WITH. OVER MSN MESSENGER.
CALIBORN: WHICH IS SUCH A HILARIOUS. AND MILLENNIAL THING TO SAY. THAT IT MAKES ME BURST OUT LAUGHING. AND PUKE IN MY MOUTH AT THE SAME TIME.
CALIBORN: AND ALTHOUGH I INITIALLY PLAYED IT COOL. THINKING THAT TERMINATING A RELATIONSHIP AMICABLY AND CALMLY. WAS WITHIN THE CAPABILITIES. OF A COOL YOUNG BOYSPORT LIKE ME.
CALIBORN: I CRIED *REAL MAN TEARS*. AND WENT ON TO HAVE MESSY CHAT ARGUMENTS LATER. AND EVENTUALLY RAISED A STINK. THAT RESULTED IN SERIOUS EMBARRASSMENT.
CALIBORN: BUT I GOT OVER IT. AND BECAME ARMED WITH THE KNOWLEDGE. THAT I WAS LIKEABLE AND ATTRACTIVE. AND THAT HAVING RELATIONSHIPS WAS POSSIBLE. IF I JUST GOT BETTER AT THEM.
CALIBORN: AND HEREIN LIES THE FIRST OF THE *THEMES*. THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO DISCUSS.
CALIBORN: BEING A KID AND GROWING UP IS HARD. IT'S HARD AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS.
CALIBORN: BUT THERE ARE MULTIPLE LEVELS OF HARD. SUCH AS THE KINDS. WHERE YOU GO THROUGH ESSENTIALLY NORMAL EXPERIENCES. THAT MIGHT SUCK IN THE MOMENT. BUT HELP YOU LEARN MORE ABOUT YOURSELF. AND BECOME A MORE AWESOME PERSON.
CALIBORN: VERSUS OTHER KINDS. WHERE YOU GET SEXUALLY ASSAULTED. AND THEN HAVE TO RECOVER FROM TRAUMA.
CALIBORN: THANKS TO MY ACCEPTING ENVIRONMENT. AND THE POSSIBILITIES THAT WERE AVAILABLE TO ME. AS WELL AS A BIT OF LUCK IN FINDING THEM. I ENDED UP WITH THE FIRST KIND. THAT LIFTED ME UP AS A PERSON.
CALIBORN: I HONESTLY BELIEVE. THAT GETTING A CRUSH ON A BOY. FEELING WHAT THAT'S LIKE. AND THEN GETTING TO SMOOCH ONE FOR REAL. WAS THE FIRST ACTUALLY COOL THING. TO HAVE HAPPENED IN MY LIFE UP TO THAT POINT.
CALIBORN: IT'S *THAT* IMPORTANT TO ME.
CALIBORN: AND SO I WISH EVERY TEEN WHO IS SO INCLINED. WHETHER GAY OR STRAIGHT. OR SOMETHING ELSE ALTOGETHER. TO BE ABLE TO DO THESE SAME THINGS. LIKE FEEL IN LOVE. AND MAKE EMBARRASSING MISTAKES. AND BE SAFE WHILE MAKING THEM.
CALIBORN: WHICH IS WHY IT UPSETS ME SO MUCH. WHEN THAT SAFETY IS LACKING. AND WHAT HAPPENS INSTEAD IS DISCRIMINATION. OR SEXUAL VIOLENCE.
CALIBORN: THAT IS TO SAY. WERE I NOT AN EVIL SKULL MONSTER. WHO FINDS SUCH TOPICS AS SEXUAL ABUSE. INCREDIBLY FUCKING HILARIOUS. ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.
CALIBORN: *SNRK*
CALIBORN: BE THAT AS IT MAY. IT DOESN'T ENTIRELY EXPLAIN THE DECISION. TO SPEND SO MANY HOURS WRITING GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF SEXUAL ABUSE. AND BRINGING THEM TO BEAR UPON SOME HOMESTUCK CHARACTERS.
CALIBORN: I THINK THE BOTTOM LINE. IS THAT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN SENSITIVE TO THE TOPIC. FOR REASONS I CAN'T PERFECTLY EXPLAIN.
CALIBORN: NOT THAT I THINK IT *NEEDS* EXPLAINING. BY VIRTUE OF THERE BEING INHERENTLY. A LOT TO BE UPSET ABOUT.
CALIBORN: AND GOING ON A LENGTHY SOAPBOX ABOUT IT. AND PSYCHOANALYZING MYSELF. AS TO WHY THIS VERY SENSITIVE SUBJECT THAT DIDN'T AFFECT ME DIRECTLY. AFFECTS ME SO MUCH. WOULDN'T BE VERY APPROPRIATE. OR RESPECTFUL.
CALIBORN: MAYBE PART OF IT. IS THAT EARLIER IN LIFE. I MAY HAVE HAD UNMET NEEDS. AND AT TIMES FELT LIKE MY BOUNDARIES WEREN'T RESPECTED. ALBEIT IN OTHER CONTEXTS. NAMELY FAMILIAL TROUBLES.
CALIBORN: SUCH AS HAVING A SISTER. WHO WAS TRAGICALLY ALIVE. UNTIL I FINALLY BECAME OLD ENOUGH TO MURDER HER.
CALIBORN: OR BEING DENIED THE PERSONAL AGENCY. TO OWN A FIREARM. AND REPEATEDLY SHOOT THE INSUFFERABLE MURDERCLOWN. WHO HATCHED ME FROM MY EGG.
CALIBORN: WHAT? THAT ISN'T MY BACKSTORY THIS TIME?
CALIBORN: FOR SHAME, DULLARD. FOR SHAME.
CALIBORN: BUT JUST TO GIVE AN IDEA. THIS ORGANIZATION I MENTIONED EARLIER. HAD AN ONLINE BULLETIN BOARD SYSTEM. ALSO KNOWN AS A FORUM.
CALIBORN: WHICH YOU CAN THINK OF. AS A VINTAGE METHOD OF COMMUNICATION. FROM BEFORE THE ADVENT OF DISCORD.
CALIBORN: BUT FOR SOPHISTICATED CONVERSATIONS. USING LENGTHY AND WELL-ARTICULATED MESSAGES.
CALIBORN: INSTEAD OF FEEDING NONSENSE INTO YOUR ANUS. AT THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE VELOCITY. TO THE POINT OF COMPLETE FECAL SATURATION.
CALIBORN: AND THIS FORUM WAS USED TO TALK ABOUT QUEERNESS. AND RELATIONSHIPS. AND OTHER STUPID SHIT.
CALIBORN: THERE WAS ALSO A 14 YEAR OLD BOY. TELLING A VERY CANDID STORY. ABOUT HOW HE GOT RAPED IN HIS OWN ROOM. BY AN OLDER DATE.
CALIBORN: AND HIS PARENTS HAD TO DO SOME REDECORATING. IN AN EFFORT TO MAKE IT EASIER. FOR HIM TO CONTINUE SLEEPING IN THAT ROOM.
CALIBORN: READING THAT POST AS A TEENAGER. REALLY FUCKED ME UP FOR A BIT. AND MADE ME ANXIOUS FOR DAYS.
CALIBORN: SUFFICE IT TO SAY. I THINK SEXUALITY IS BIZARRE AND INSCRUTABLE. AND A COINCIDENTAL SIDE EFFECT. OF REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEMS. WHICH I DON'T EVEN USE FOR THAT PURPOSE.
CALIBORN: BUT IT IS ALSO GENUINELY WONDERFUL. AND BEING IN TUNE WITH YOURSELF. AND SHARING EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL INTIMACY. WITH A PERSON WHOM YOU TRUST. IS ONE OF THE PROFOUND JOYS IN LIFE. AT LEAST FOR ME.
CALIBORN: HENCE IT BEING SO INSIDIOUS. THAT SOME SEE FIT. TO TAKE THIS DEARLY SENSITIVE PART OF A PERSON. AND TRAMPLE ALL THE FUCK OVER IT.
CALIBORN: ESPECIALLY AT AN AGE. WHERE THESE THINGS ARE AT THEIR MOST VULNERABLE. BY VIRTUE OF ONLY JUST BECOMING DEVELOPED. OR NOT HAVING DEVELOPED MUCH AT ALL YET.
CALIBORN: AND SO IT HAPPENS THAT TEENAGERS. AND EVEN YOUNG CHILDREN. WHO OTHERWISE TEND TO BE LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS. AND ENDLESSLY SELFISH.
CALIBORN: WHEN FACED WITH SEXUAL ABUSE. CAN SUDDENLY DEMONSTRATE. A CAPACITY FOR IMMENSE RESILIENCE. AS WELL AS SHAME AND SELF-BLAMING.
CALIBORN: WHICH. TOGETHER WITH "TABOOS". AND OTHER COLLECTIVE FAILURES. IN PROVIDING A SPACE FOR VICTIMS TO EXIST. LEADS MANY OF THEM TO SUFFER IN SILENCE.
CALIBORN: THIS SILENCE BEING DEEPLY UNJUST. AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT HORRIFIES ME THE MOST.
CALIBORN: AND ME HAVING MADE EFFORTS. TO READ UP ON THE TOPIC PROPERLY.
CALIBORN: AS WELL AS HAVING AT SOME POINTS FOUND OUT. ABOUT SOME YOUNG PEOPLE ONLINE. THAT THEY WERE QUIETLY SUFFERING.
CALIBORN: AND TRIED TO DO SOMETHING TO HELP OVER THE INTERNET. BUT MANAGED TO DO JACK SHIT. WHICH REALLY SUCKED.
CALIBORN: IT STANDS TO REASON. THAT SOME OF THOSE THINGS HAVE GOTTEN UNDER MY SKIN. AND I FELT IT HIGH TIME. TO GET THEM "OUT OF MY SYSTEM".
CALIBORN: AND ACHIEVE CATHARSIS. BY MIXING A FEW THINGS TOGETHER. THAT HAVE HIT ME PARTICULARLY HARD. INTO A PLAUSIBLE WHOLE.
CALIBORN: WHILE ALSO EXTRAPOLATING FROM THEM A BIT. TO COVER SPECIFIC ASPECTS THAT I FIND IMPORTANT. AND WANTED TO MAKE EXPLICIT.
CALIBORN: WITHOUT BEING COY OR SENSATIONALISTIC ABOUT IT. AND DEFINITELY NOT EROTICIZING.
CALIBORN: ALBEIT ALSO SHOEHORNING IN SOME FEEL-GOOD WISH FULFILLMENT. IN WHICH PEOPLE ARE BELIEVED AND SUBSEQUENTLY ASSISTED. WHICH IS ANYTHING BUT GUARANTEED.
CALIBORN: AND RIGHTING A WRONG. AT LEAST FICTIONALLY. IN BREAKING THE SILENCE. BY LETTING THESE YOUNG MEN SPEAK OUT.
CALIBORN: IN THE FORM OF A FEW HOMESTUCK CHARACTERS. THAT SEEMED LIKE DECENT VEHICLES. AND THAT I ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT.
CALIBORN: BECAUSE WHAT ELSE IS FANFICTION. IF NOT SELF-ABSORBED BULLSHIT. CREATED IN ORDER TO SATISFY A PERSONAL NEED. USING ANOTHER PERSON'S INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY?
CALIBORN: AND I CAN ONLY HOPE. THAT MY VISIT TO THE TOPIC COMES OFF AS SINCERE. AND AT LEAST NOT COMPLETELY IGNORANT.
CALIBORN: BECAUSE ALTHOUGH IT IS NOT INHERENTLY UNETHICAL. TO USE THESE THEMES FOR THRILLS. OR SMUT. OR CHEAP HUMOR. IT IS SOMETHING THAT I WOULD PERSONALLY LIKE TO AVOID.
CALIBORN: AND ALTHOUGH SEXUAL VIOLENCE. AGAINST WOMEN AND GIRLS. IS THE BIGGER SOCIETAL PROBLEM. AND HARROWING IN ITS UBIQUITY.
CALIBORN: IT IS NOT A ZERO-SUM GAME. AND THE DECISION TO RESTRICT THE SCOPE OF THIS FIC. TO A FEW MOODY BOYS. OF WHICH SEVERAL ARE QUEER.
CALIBORN: WHERE RELATING TO THEM IS A LITTLE EASIER. AND MY VOICE FOR THEM PERHAPS MORE AUTHENTIC.
CALIBORN: SHOULDN'T DETRACT FROM THE FACT. THAT EVERYONE IS VULNERABLE AND DESERVES TO BE SAFE. ESPECIALLY OUR YOUTH.
CALIBORN: AND THAT IN LOOKING OUT FOR THEIR WELL-BEING. AND STANDING BY THOSE THAT ARE AFFECTED. WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
CALIBORN: PFFFFAAAAAAAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA.
CALIBORN: HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HAA. HAA.
CALIBORN: HOLY SHIT. WOW.
CALIBORN: I WOULD LIKE TO OFFICIALLY REPORT. A FOUL AND COWARDLY MURDER ATTEMPT.
CALIBORN: BY WAY OF MAKING ME SAY WORDS. THAT ARE SO POINTEDLY ABSURD. THAT THEY CAUSE MY CURSED SOUL. TO CACKLE ITS WAY OUT OF MY BODY.
CALIBORN: EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO PISS. AND TAKE A MOMENT TO CATCH MY BREATH.

CALIBORN: OKAY. WHEW.
CALIBORN: THAT ALMOST SEEMED. LIKE IT WAS SETTING ITSELF UP. TO BE A CONCLUSION TO THE FIC.
CALIBORN: BUT TAKE THAT NOTION. AND DISABUSE YOURSELF OF IT IMMEDIATELY. BECAUSE WE HAVE YET MORE INTERESTING SHIT TO GO THROUGH. BEGETTING SOME NUANCE. AND MORE *THEMES*.
CALIBORN: STARTING WITH ANOTHER EPISODE. OF WANTON TEENAGE RELATIONSHIP HIJINX. ALTHOUGH THIS ONE. WAS A BIT MORE CONFUSING.
CALIBORN: WHILE STILL COASTING OFF THE LOWS. OF MY ABHORRENT FIRST BREAKUP. AND REPLETE WITH 16 YEAR OLD MANPAIN. I STARTED CHATTING WITH A GUY AT A FESTIVAL.
CALIBORN: WE'D TALKED ONCE BEFORE. HE WAS 20 YEARS OLD. AND FROM OUT OF TOWN.
CALIBORN: HE WAS RATHER MORE EFFETE. AND "CAMP GAY". WHICH IN MY EDGY TEEN MIND. I WAS PREJUDICED AGAINST. BUT IT WAS FUN TALKING TO HIM ANYWAY.
CALIBORN: HE INVITED ME TO COME HANG OUT IN TOWN THAT EVENING. WITH HIM AND HIS FRIENDS. WHO WERE ALL IN THEIR 20S. AND THUS FAR COOLER. THAN THE PROSPECT OF HANGING OUT WITH OTHER SHITTY TEENS. OR MORE REALISTICALLY. NOBODY.
CALIBORN: HE DROVE ME AROUND. IN HIS FLASHY CONVERTIBLE. WHICH WAS PRETTY AWESOME.
CALIBORN: AT ONE POINT. WHEN IT WAS ALREADY PRETTY LATE. I STARTED HUGGING HIM SUDDENLY. LIKE A KOALA CUDDLE. AND THE INVITATION TO HANG OUT. GOT EXTENDED TO CRASHING AT HIS PLACE. WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
CALIBORN: I LET MY MOM KNOW. AND SHE TRUSTED ME SUFFICIENTLY. SO IT WAS FINE.
CALIBORN: THAT NIGHT. IN THE LIVING ROOM OF HIS APARTMENT. AFTER HIS ROOMMATE HAD GONE TO SLEEP. HE DID PUT ON SOME *MOVES*.
CALIBORN: LIKE RESTARTING THE CUDDLES. AND GENTLY ESCALATING THEM TO KISSES. AND GETTING ME OUT OF MY HOODIE.
CALIBORN: WHICH I PUT BACK ON A LITTLE LATER. SINCE I WAS A BASHFUL LITTLE FUCKER.
CALIBORN: BUT THEN HE WAS ALSO SUDDENLY IN HIS UNDERWEAR. WHICH CERTAINLY WAS. A DICK MOVE. NO PUN INTENDED.
CALIBORN: IT HADN'T REALLY BEEN MY INTENTION TO DO SEXUAL THINGS. AND I WAS REALLY NERVOUS AT FIRST. BUT PERSEVERED. AND BECAME COMFORTABLE. AS WELL AS SIGNIFICANTLY HORNY.
CALIBORN: IN HIS ROOM. HE HAD A BUNK BED. AND HE LEFT ME WITH THE CHOICE. OF EITHER TOP BUNK BY MYSELF. OR BOTTOM BUNK WITH HIM. AND I CHOSE THE LATTER. WHICH WERE SOME OF THE ONLY WORDS. THAT ACTUALLY GOT SPOKEN OUT LOUD THAT NIGHT.
CALIBORN: THEN MAKEOUTS ENSUED. AND HE WAITED FOR TACIT APPROVAL. BEFORE REACHING INTO MY UNDERPANTS. WHICH I GRANTED.
CALIBORN: TO HIS SURPRISE. I ALSO SUCKED HIS COCK OUT OF NOWHERE. SINCE THAT WAS JUST SOMETHING I LIKED DOING.
CALIBORN: HE MADE ME CUM WITH A HANDJOB. AND WIPED ME OFF WITH SOME TISSUES. THAT WERE CONVENIENTLY STASHED UNDER HIS PILLOW.
CALIBORN: AND THEN HE HAD TO JERK HIMSELF OFF. BECAUSE I'D ROLLED OVER ONTO MY SIDE. AND GONE TO SLEEP. SINCE I WAS A SELFISH TEEN WHO WAS TIRED AS FUCK.
CALIBORN: BY THE WAY. CONTRARY TO WHAT SOME PEOPLE ASSUME. THE AGE DIFFERENCE WAS LEGAL. OWING TO THE AGE OF CONSENT BEING 16.
CALIBORN: AND ALTHOUGH AN EXTREMELY IMPORTANT LEGAL SAFEGUARD. IT IS A BIT IMMATERIAL. TO THE INDIVIDUAL EXPERIENCE AT HAND.
CALIBORN: BECAUSE THE DIFFERENCE WAS HIGHLY PALPABLE EITHER WAY. OWING TO HIM BEING A FUNCTIONING AND INDEPENDENT ADULT. WHO WAS WISENED UP TO THINGS. AND ME BEING A SHELTERED KID. WHO WAS STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL.
CALIBORN: WHICH FACTORED INTO THE POWER DYNAMICS. OF THIS PARTICULAR SITUATION.
CALIBORN: IN THIS CASE IT WAS FINE. SINCE MY VAGUE INDICATIONS OF CONSENT WERE GENUINE. AND TO BE HONEST. I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY FUCKING HOT.
CALIBORN: BUT THE FACT THAT IT COULD ALSO NOT HAVE BEEN FINE. WAS ENOUGH TO CAUSE WORRY AFTERWARD. AND RESULTED IN SOME MIXED FEELINGS FOR BOTH OF US.
CALIBORN: PARTICULARLY FOR HIM. THE SENSE THAT HE HAD BEEN IRRESPONSIBLE. IN PRODDING MY BOUNDARIES SO MUCH. WITHOUT SEEKING OPEN COMMUNICATION. TO MAKE SURE I WAS OK WITH IT. AND THIS I WOULD AGREE WITH.
CALIBORN: BUT WE DATED FOR A WHILE. WENT PLACES. AND HUNG OUT AT HIS FLAT. AND MESSED AROUND A BUNCH.
CALIBORN: MAN. SEEING ALL OF THIS PUT TOGETHER. REALLY DRIVES HOME FOR ME. THAT I SURE FUCKED A LOT. WHEN I WAS 16 YEARS OLD.
CALIBORN: NEVER ANAL THOUGH. BECAUSE HE WASN'T INTO THAT. WHICH WAS PROBABLY FOR THE BEST.
CALIBORN: SOMETIMES HE'D PICK ME UP FROM SCHOOL. WITH HIS STUPID CONVERTIBLE. AND BLASTING TECHNO MUSIC.
CALIBORN: I THOUGHT IT WAS KIND OF BADASS. TO SHOW ALL THE OTHERS AT SCHOOL. THAT I WASN'T JUST A LOSER NERD. AND HAD SOME COOL SHIT GOING ON.
CALIBORN: AND IT WAS FUN. BUT I KEPT HAVING SOME MISGIVINGS. OVER SO MUCH OF IT BEING SEX. AND WHETHER MY BOUNDARIES WERE REALLY BEING RESPECTED.
CALIBORN: TALKING ABOUT THAT WAS CHALLENGING. BECAUSE I WASN'T VERY ARTICULATE ABOUT IT THEN. ALTHOUGH HE TRIED TO VALIDATE MY CONCERN. BUT ALSO KIND OF HANDWAVED IT AT OTHER TIMES. NOT OUT OF MALICE. BUT BECAUSE HE DIDN'T SEEM USED TO TALKING ABOUT IT EITHER.
CALIBORN: HE GENUINELY DID CARE ABOUT ME A LOT. THE WAY HE EXPRESSED IT WAS USUALLY JUST A LITTLE ALOOF. AND MAYBE HYPERSEXUAL.
CALIBORN: THE DUDE PROBABLY HAD SOME ISSUES.
CALIBORN: AND WE WEREN'T EVEN SURE. WHETHER TO CALL OURSELVES BOYFRIENDS. HENCE I HAVE OFTEN BEEN AMBIVALENT. ON WHETHER TO CALL THIS MY SECOND RELATIONSHIP. ALTHOUGH I DO CALL IT THAT NOW.
CALIBORN: THERE WASN'T EVEN A BREAKUP. WE JUST STOPPED TEXTING AFTER A FEW MONTHS. NOT LONG BEFORE MY 17TH BIRTHDAY. WITHOUT A CLEAR REASON.
CALIBORN: I LEARNED LATER ON. THAT HE FIGURED HE WAS LETTING ME GO. TO FREELY LIVE OUT MY SEX LIFE. WHICH KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE HE FELT GUILTY.
CALIBORN: AND THAT SOME OF HIS FRIENDS. HAD BEEN LOWKEY FREAKING OUT. AND TELLING HIM TO STOP DATING A KID.
CALIBORN: SOME EVEN THINKING IT WAS ILLEGAL. BECAUSE I *WAS* INDEED A SCRAWNY MANLET. WHO LOOKED YOUNG FOR MY AGE.
CALIBORN: ALL OF THIS IN MIND. I THINK WE CAN AGREE THAT THIS SITUATION. AT LEAST ON SOME LEVEL. COULD HAVE BEEN DESCRIBED. AS KIND OF CERTIFIABLY WEIRD.
CALIBORN: AND I THINK IT WAS WORTH MENTIONING. BECAUSE A LOT LATER. WHEN I BECAME AN OLD MAN. AND MY PERSPECTIVE GOT MORE SIMILAR. TO THAT OF A HYPOTHETICAL CONCERNED PARENT. INSTEAD OF A SHITTY TEEN.
CALIBORN: SOME ASPECTS OF THIS. WERE TRIGGERING ALARM BELLS. AND I WONDERED IF IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF. NEVER HAVING HAPPENED.
CALIBORN: BUT THESE KINDS OF WELL-INTENTIONED HANGUPS. ABOUT THE SURFACE-LEVEL DETAILS. OF YOUNGSTERS GOING OUT AND HAVING SEX. MIGHT LEAD ONE TO TRY AND CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIOR. WHICH IS NOT ACTUALLY A GOOD WAY TO PROTECT THEM.
CALIBORN: AND THIS IS A POINT. WHERE WE TOUCH ON YET MORE *THEMES*.
CALIBORN: BECAUSE ALTHOUGH WE WANT WHAT'S ABSOLUTELY BEST FOR OUR YOUTH. TO HAVE PERFECT UNAMBIGUOUS EXPERIENCES. WHERE EVERYONE FEELS COMFORTABLE ALL THE TIME. AND SHITS RIVERS OF PURE JOY.
CALIBORN: IT IS ALSO IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER. NOT TO BE A PERFECTIONIST.
CALIBORN: AND THAT THE CHOICE TO ENGAGE IN SITUATIONS. THAT MAY TURN OUT TO BE "MIXED BAGS". AND GETTING TO EVALUATE THEM AS ONE SEES FIT. ARE VERY IMPORTANT FREEDOMS. FOR A YOUNG PERSON TO HAVE.
CALIBORN: AND ALSO. THAT WHETHER TO SEE SOMETHING AS "ABUSE". AND HOW SEVERELY IT IMPACTS THEM. IS SQUARELY THE PREROGATIVE. OF THE YOUNG PERSON IN QUESTION.
CALIBORN: AS DEMONSTRATED BY THE LITTLE FAGGOT. KNOWN AS HARRY ANDERSON.
CALIBORN: BECAUSE THIS PERSON KNOWS BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT IT IN THE END. ALTHOUGH WE CERTAINLY CAN AND SHOULD TRY. TO EMPOWER THEM WITH GUIDANCE.
CALIBORN: IF I WERE GIVEN THE CHOICE. TO RETROACTIVELY CUSTOMIZE THE STORY BEATS. OF MY ACCLAIMED ANIME BACKSTORY.
CALIBORN: THEN THE BURGEONING DAD INSIDE ME. MIGHT BE TEMPTED TO EXCISE THE EXCESS TEEN SEX. AND FORCIBLY KEEP ME AT HOME.
CALIBORN: BUT THIS WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN TRUE. TO THE ACTUAL NEEDS OF MY YOUNGER SELF. WHO WOULD HAVE CERTAINLY BITCHED ABOUT IT A LOT. SINCE HE DESPERATELY NEEDED TO SPREAD HIS WINGS A LITTLE.
CALIBORN: INSTEAD. I WOULD GO BACK FURTHER. AND OFFER MYSELF MORE INFORMATION. AND *DISCOURSE* REGARDING SEXUALITY. AND CONSENT ISSUES. THAT WERE LESS PREDICATED ON ME BEING STRAIGHT.
CALIBORN: OF WHICH I DID RECEIVE SOME. BECAUSE OF THE REMARKABLY PROGRESSIVE ENVIRONMENT. ON THE SMOULDERING RUINS OF POSTAPOCALYPTIC EARTH C. BUT THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH WANTING MORE.
CALIBORN: AND IN GENERAL. MAKE MYSELF BETTER SUPPORTED GROWING UP. IN VARIOUS MUNDANE WAYS.
CALIBORN: POSSIBLY MAKING ME MORE PROACTIVE ABOUT MY WELL-BEING. AND MORE ASSERTIVE ABOUT MY BOUNDARIES.
CALIBORN: SO HERE WE HAVE ELEGANTLY PIVOTED. THANKS TO MY OVERWHELMING SENSE OF RHETORIC. TO THE LAST OF THE *THEMES* THAT NEED TALKING ABOUT.
CALIBORN: WHICH IS WHERE TO GO FROM HERE. AND BRING ABOUT DESHITTIFICATION.
CALIBORN: AND UNFORTUNATELY. I DON'T BELIEVE IN RADICAL DESHITTIFICATION. AS A REASONABLE AIM.
CALIBORN: BECAUSE ALTHOUGH THE IDEA OF COMPLETE PREVENTION. WITH PHRASES SUCH AS "STOP IT NOW". IS ADMIRABLE IN CONCEPT. AND DEFINITELY WORTH STRIVING FOR.
CALIBORN: I FEAR THAT A SIZEABLE FRACTION. OF OUR TREASURED AND BELOVED YOUTH. WILL KEEP ON BEING SEXUALLY ASSAULTED. FOR THE FORSEEABLE FUTURE.
CALIBORN: LIKE A STATISTICAL PHENOMENON. ANALOGOUS TO TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS. OR STOCK MARKET CRASHES.
CALIBORN: AND AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS THAT SOUNDS. WE MAY AS WELL ALL GET USED TO THE IDEA. AND ACT ACCORDINGLY. AND MAKE IT A THING THAT CAN BE TALKED ABOUT BY OUR KIDS. WHEN IT DOES HAPPEN.
CALIBORN: BECAUSE ELEVATING IT TO THE STATUS. OF AN UNSPEAKABLE EVIL. AND HOPING TO THE POINT OF MAKE-BELIEVE. THAT IT CAN'T HAPPEN IN OUR IMMEDIATE ENVIRONMENT. IS OF NO HELP TO ANYONE. EXCEPT FOR THE PERPETRATORS.
CALIBORN: AS IS EVIDENCED BY THE LONG LINE. THAT A LOT OF THESE KIDS HAVE. OF FAILED FUCKUP ADULTS. WHOM THEY PLACED THEIR TRUST IN BEFORE.
CALIBORN: BUT WHO LOOKED AWAY. OR DISBELIEVED. OR PRETENTED NOT TO HEAR. BECAUSE IT WAS MORE COMFORTABLE TO PLAY PRETEND.
CALIBORN: AND WE SHOULD ALSO MAKE PEACE WITH THE IDEA. THAT THE SORT OF PERSON WHO COMMITS SEXUAL OFFENSES. INCLUDING AGAINST TEENS AND CHILDREN.
CALIBORN: DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A MONSTER. BUT CAN INSTEAD BE PERFECTLY ORDINARY. AND SOMEONE WE INTERACT PLEASANTLY WITH EVERY DAY.
CALIBORN: BECAUSE THAT IS OFTEN THE REALITY. WITHOUT TAKING ANYTHING AWAY. FROM THE SEVERITY OF WHAT THEY DO.
CALIBORN: SO YES. LET'S TAKE SOME STEPS TO IMPROVE PREVENTION. AND MAKE IT LESS LAUGHABLY EASY THAN IT SOMETIMES IS. FOR KIDS TO GET RAPED.
CALIBORN: BUT FOR THE REMAINDER. THE BEST WE CAN DO IS CLUE THEM IN. TO KNOW WHAT THINGS THEY DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH. AND TO BETTER PROCESS THE IMPACT IF THEY DO HAPPEN.
CALIBORN: ALBEIT WITH GUIDANCE. THAT IS CAREFULLY WORDED AND AGE-APPROPRIATE. AND I KNOW THAT'S HARD. BUT PROFESSIONALS HAVE DONE A GOOD JOB WORKING IT OUT. AND CAN HELP US IF WE LET THEM.
CALIBORN: AND ALSO TRY TO RAISE OUR KIDS. TO BE GENERALLY HAPPY AND CONFIDENT. AND BE SECURE IN THEIR PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES.
CALIBORN: WHICH FIRST AND FOREMOST. REQUIRES THE PARENTS TO RESPECT THESE BOUNDARIES. WHICH I KNOW IS A REPREHENSIBLY RADICAL IDEA.
CALIBORN: BUT ALSO TRY TO SURROUND THEM WITH SUPPORT FIGURES. THAT CAN BE A LIFELINE. FOR A NUMBER OF ISSUES THAT CAN CROP UP. AND NOT JUST SEXUAL ONES.
CALIBORN: AND ALSO NOT TREAT IT AS A CHILD-UNFRIENDLY TOPIC. THAT KIDS CAN GROW UP TO BE QUEER. BECAUSE THAT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF USEFUL. TO BE AWARE OF IN ADVANCE.
CALIBORN: AND IF THAT TURNS OUT TO BE THE CASE. OFFER THEM COMPLETE ACCEPTANCE. FOR THE BENEFIT OF THEIR OWN SAFETY. AND ALLOW THE PROVERBIAL BOYFRIEND OVER FOR DINNER. SO THAT A NORMAL DATING CONTEXT IS PROVIDED.
CALIBORN: INSTEAD OF DRIVING THEM OFF. TOWARD OTHER DATING CONTEXTS. WITH LESS SOCIAL OVERSIGHT. THAT ARE INFINITELY MORE DANGEROUS FOR MINORS. LIKE THE KRABKRAB.
CALIBORN: AS FOR MY PART. REGARDING THE CHILDREN THAT I HAVE IN MY LIFE. OR THE CHILDREN I SOMETIMES DREAM ABOUT HAVING.
CALIBORN: SEXUAL ABUSE DOESN'T EVEN RANK VERY HIGH. IN THE LIST OF THINGS. THAT I'M ACTUALLY SCARED MIGHT HAPPEN TO THEM.
CALIBORN: AS OPPOSED TO THINGS. LIKE GETTING RUN OVER. OR ONLINE RADICALIZATION.
CALIBORN: BUT IT IS A VERY IMPORTANT ISSUE. AND I LIKE TO THINK THAT I'VE DONE MY HOMEWORK. AND CAN BE PART OF THE SOLUTION. IF THE NEED SO ARISES.
CALIBORN: AND IF I EVER FOUND MYSELF. BECOMING A WITNESS TO SOMETHING. OR TO HAVE A YOUNG PERSON CONFIDE IN ME. THEN I WILL DO MY UTMOST BEST.
CALIBORN: TO BE REALLY MEAN. AND SAY IT WAS THEIR OWN FAULT. AND TELL THEM TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES.
CALIBORN: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

CALIBORN: AS TO WHAT BECAME OF ME. AFTER THAT YEAR WHERE LOTS OF RELATIONSHIP STUFF SUDDENLY HAPPENED.
CALIBORN: I SPENT THE NEXT FIVE YEARS WITH NO BOYFRIEND. AND COMPLETELY SEXLESS.
CALIBORN: WHICH CERTAINLY MAKES THAT WHOLE "LET ME GO FREELY" THING. KIND OF VACUOUS IN HINDSIGHT.
CALIBORN: BUT IT WAS NOT A DELIBERATE REVERSAL. TO GET AWAY FROM PREVIOUS EXPERIENCES.
CALIBORN: BECAUSE LET IT BE KNOWN. THAT I HAVE NO REGRETS. AND THAT I ACTUALLY FELT PRETTY FUCKING GREAT. ABOUT NOT HAVING MISSED OUT. ON DOING SOME CRAZY THINGS FOR A WHILE. AT LEAST BY MY STANDARDS.
CALIBORN: I WAS JUST TOO BUSY STUDYING. AND EXPLORING NEW HOBBIES. THAT INVOLVED INTERACTING WITH A LOT OF NEW PEOPLE. AND WERE EXTREMELY ENRICHING.
CALIBORN: BUT ALL IN A MAJORITY-HETERO CONTEXT. MAKING THESE NEW PEOPLE. VERY UNLIKELY TO BE BOYFRIEND MATERIAL. BY SHEER COINCIDENCE.
CALIBORN: ALAS. BUT THAT IS THE FATE. OF THE HOMO DIASPORA.
CALIBORN: SOME HAVE ASKED ME. HOW I COULD EVEN HAVE SURVIVED. BEING A HEALTHY YOUNG MAN WITH AN APPETITE. BUT NO ACTION WHATSOEVER.
CALIBORN: AND IT TURNS OUT THAT. WHILE SEXUALITY MAY BE AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE. SEX ITSELF PROBABLY IS NOT.
CALIBORN: NOT TO SAY I DIDN'T WANT IT SOMETIMES. BUT I WANTED A BOYFRIEND MORE. AND I COULDN'T REALLY BE BOTHERED. TAKING CONCRETE STEPS FOR THAT EITHER.
CALIBORN: IT MIGHT HAVE HELPED. THAT I'D GOTTEN INTO THIS THING CALLED HOMESTUCK. WHICH WAS SOAKING UP A LOT. OF EXCESS EMOTIONAL ENERGY.
CALIBORN: WHEN I GOT INTO THE COMIC. THE CURRENT PAGE WAS "EQUIUS: DRY OFF". WHICH FEELS LIKE IT IS PROFOUNDLY MEANINGFUL. THOUGH I'M NOT SURE PRECISELY HOW.
CALIBORN: FOUR YEARS ON. I ACTUALLY MESSAGED MY EX. FOR PURELY AMICAL REASONS. AND WE CAUGHT UP ON THINGS. WHICH I BELIEVE WAS VERY IMPORTANT FOR THE BOTH OF US.
CALIBORN: AND I HUNG OUT WITH HIM AND SOME FRIENDS. AT A FEW LAN PARTIES.
CALIBORN: IT WAS NICE. AND I ALMOST REGRET. NO LONGER BEING IN TOUCH WITH THEM.
CALIBORN: THEN FINALLY. WHEN I REACHED THE KNIGHTING AGE OF 21. I WENT TO ANOTHER LGBT ASSOCIATION. FOR YOUNG ADULTS THIS TIME.
CALIBORN: AND IMMEDIATELY BECAME INVOLVED WITH A GUY. TO WHOM I AM NOW "GAY MARRIED". AS SEEN IN THE ACCLAIMED FAN ADVENTURE. KNOWN AS "HOUSE OF DIRK".
CALIBORN: THE ENCOUNTER WAS A CLASSIC EXAMPLE. OF "MEET CUTE". AND WORTHY OF EVERY DROPLET OF BILE THAT I CAN REGURGITATE.
CALIBORN: BUT WE WILL HAVE TO SHELVE THAT STORY. SINCE THIS CHAPTER ALREADY COMPRISES. MORE THAN A THIRD OF THE WHOLE GODDAMN FIC.
CALIBORN: AND THE SEXUAL INTIMACY. WAS ALSO PRACTICALLY IMMEDIATE. BUT WAS RELAXED AND COMMUNICATIVE.
CALIBORN: AND INVOLVED WONDERFUL CONSIDERATION ON HIS PART. OF THE HESITANCIES THAT I MIGHT HAVE HAD. AFTER HAVING BEEN SINGLE FOR SO LONG.
CALIBORN: WHICH IS NOT TO SAY. THAT THINGS WERE AUTOMATICALLY EASY. EITHER ROMANTICALLY OR SEXUALLY.
CALIBORN: BECAUSE THEY REQUIRED MUTUAL DISCOVERY. AND NEGOTIATION. AND COMPROMISE. AND SOMETIMES STILL DO.
CALIBORN: BUT THOSE ARE THE SPOILS. OF HAVING GROWN AS A PERSON. AND BEING ABLE TO DO THESE THINGS. MOSTLY SUCCESSFULLY.
CALIBORN: AIDED SIGNIFICANTLY BY THE PRIVILEGE. OF HAVING GOTTEN TO FIGURE ALL THIS OUT. WITHOUT DISCRIMINATION. OR BEING PREDATED UPON.
CALIBORN: WHICH ACTUALLY IS THE BAREST FUCKING MINIMUM. THAT EVERYONE SHOULD GET.
CALIBORN: AND WHICH I AGAIN INSIST. THAT FUTURE GENERATIONS GET TO HAVE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. AS I CAN RECOMMEND IT VERY MUCH.
CALIBORN: ALMOST AS MUCH AS I RECOMMEND. HAVING A DEAD SISTER.
CALIBORN: tumut

Chapter Text

glutinousGymnast [GG] began pestering thespiansGlamor [TG]
GG: Hey there, harry anderson,,
TG: damnit tav, not you too.
TG: do you have any idea how many people have been asking me about this shit?
TG: or is there even a slim chance that this is about something else??
GG: I'm sorry to say,, that it is indeed about that,
GG: And i understand your reaction,
TG: okay, good! because i'm sick to my ass of getting harassed about it!
TG: why the fuck are people from school even talking about it? i only brought it up with my parents!
GG: I realize that me messaging you about it, already constitutes a breach of confidentiality, and i'm sorry,,,
GG: I don't know where it's been coming from either,
GG: If it helps, i only heard vague things in passing, and never engaged in further discussion about it,
GG: Nor am i contacting you to find out more,
TG: ok, then why, tav? why *are* you contacting me?
GG: To check up on you,, and let you know that i support you,
TG: alright, thanks, that's been noted. and i'm doing *fine*.
TG: not having a good time, that's for sure. but you don't have to worry about anything.
TG: in fact, you can help by doing something novel and getting off my back about it. it's so bad that i've started temporarily blocking people. i stayed home from school for a reason.
GG: I understand, and respect your wishes,,
GG: Even so, there are some things i wanted to say to you,, and don't worry, they are all nice things,
TG: jfc tav, you're such a weirdo.
TG: what if i don't want to hear it?
GG: Then i won't write anything,,, and i'll leave you alone for the next few days, probably,,
GG: I would personally prefer agreeing to something like that, rather than having you block me, though you can still block me if that works better for you,
GG: But i just thought you could use some words of support, even if you don't need them right now, then maybe later, it will be good to have gotten them,
TG: ugh.
TG: alright, sure. go for it.
GG: Okay,,,
GG: I wanted you to know, that you're not alone, and that i care about you, genuinely, and wish this weren't happening to you,
GG: And even though there have been times, when we haven't really gotten along, none of that matters to me right now,
GG: Because from what i have heard, which by the way is very little, and with no details,
GG: You went through something that nobody should go through,,
GG: And although i don't know what happened, i hope you'll still believe me when i say, that i believe you, and that it's not your fault,
GG: And that you're a strong, and good person, who deserves to be safe, and happy,
GG: And i also want to say i'm sorry,,,,,
GG: That when you asked me, if i'd ever had something like that, happen to me,
GG: And by the way, when i said no, that wasn't a lie, because it indeed didn't happen, thankfully, although i understand where the concern came from,
GG: That i didn't think to ask you the same,,, and in fact, the possibility never even occurred to me,
GG: So i fear that i let you down, and failed my chance, to be a good friend, and source of support, if you needed one then,,
GG: And i want to at least be there for you now,,,
GG: So if there is anything i can do for you, regarding this, or other things, to take off some of the burden,
GG: Then you can ask, and i'll do my best to help you,
GG: Or if you just want to talk, then that's fine too, and i will listen respectfully, in confidence,
GG: There,,,, that's about it,,
TG: alright. i skimmed it.
TG: maybe i'll give it a thorough read later. idk.
GG: That's completely up to you,
GG: Do you want me to leave you alone now,,
TG: nah, it's fine. you're on the level.
TG: sorry for being testy. it's mainly that people seem to expect that i explain what's going on, and it takes so much energy to get them to back off.
TG: the worst are the people accusing me of making it up for attention. :/
TG: although, in a way, they're the easiest, because they go straight to the shitlist without a second thought.
GG: I see, how that can be very exhausting,
TG: it's like i've been in an adrenaline rush for the past two days. i want the anxiety to pass, but these people keep fucking stirring it up again.
GG: Sorry, if i am stating something obvious, but have you thought, about turning off your phone,
TG: well, but then i have no way of staying in touch with vrissy, and i don't wanna shut her out.
GG: Ah,,,,
TG: plus, even if i did disconnect, i still have my dad around here with me, so i still wouldn't be able to get away from it.
TG: i get that he's worried, but being in the same room with him is just really uncomfortable right now. it's always on the tip of his tongue, so he's guaranteed to keep bugging me about it every once in a while.
GG: I see,,
GG: Do you want me, to ask him to stop doing that,,
TG: oh fuck no, you are not gonna talk to my dad about this!
TG: although come to think of it, he's always had this weird pity for you, so maybe it'd work.
TG: but no thanks, if anyone's gonna make him understand, it'll have to be me.
GG: Okay,,
TG: haha, wow, it wasn't my intention to start venting. :p
TG: if anything, i should try to focus on literally anything else.
TG: uuurrgghhh.
GG: Do you want, to play some gta online tonight, to take your mind off things,
GG: We could also invite vrissy, and yiffy,
TG: actually, yeah, that sounds pretty good right about now.
TG: there's a playstation here, i could probably get some alone time on it.
TG: it'll be just the four of us, like in the good old days.
TG: although... hmmm.
TG: i have no idea where yiffy stands in this whole thing. and if she's heard anything about it at all.
TG: we might want to just avoid mentioning it altogether to be safe.
TG: but that works out, because i don't think i'll want to talk about it regardless.
GG: I don't think yiffy, gives a shit either way,,
TG: lol yeah, you're probably right about that.
TG: huh, i don't know why, but i do kinda feel a bit better already.
TG: you're always like weirdly delicate and serious about stuff. but that's probably a good thing here.
TG: so, thanks, i guess.
GG: Don't mention it,,
GG: I'm really glad, to have gone through with messaging you, after debating it with myself for hours,
GG: I'll go and ask around, to get the gta set up,
TG: oh, cool. so you'll get back to me with a time and stuff? anything works for me, i'm locking myself inside the whole day anyway lol.
GG: Of course,
GG: And in the meantime, my dms are open, if you need anything,
TG: sure. cya.
glutinousGymnast [GG] ceased pestering thespiansGlamor [TG]

TG: so when i told terezi about my really awesome anti cp spider idea
TG: i didnt expect her to point me toward a real life anti cp spider
AG: Gotta say, I've 8een called a lot of things, 8ut that's a new one.
AG: I think you may 8e onto something, Dave!
TG: ok so if im getting this right
TG: youre like some kind of vigilante who looks for child porn and then takes it down
AG: Oh, I wish.
AG: 8eing a vigilante would 8e so cool, 8ut noooooooope! Doesn't go too well with keeping it legal.
AG: And you know Terezi! Always a stickler for the law. :::;)
TG: yeah that tracks
TG: so then what are you exactly
AG: Just a regular old government employee. A CSAM investigator, in fact.
AG: CSAM stands for Child Sexual A8use Material, 8y the way.
AG: I'm sure you're smart enough to have figured that out, 8ut you can't 8e too sure nowadays!
TG: alright so how does that actually work
AG: I'm a digital forensics expert. Me and my team track images and footage of children 8eing a8used, on the light we8 as well as the dark we8.
AG: Aaaaaaaall the we8s. ;;;;D
AG: Then we look at the material and do what we can to ascertain the identity of the child, as well as track down the perpetr8ors so they can 8e put to justice and the child 8rought to safety, if necessary.
TG: ok so you actually look at child porn as part of your job
AG: Pretty much, yeah! Comes with the territory. There's legal frameworks in place that make it possi8le.
AG: It's also not for everyone. There's some heavy stuff out there, you know. Some of the worst humanity's got to offer.
TG: makes sense
AG: Am I right in guessing that you're concerned a8out someone?
TG: yeah
TG: myself
TG: i cammed online while beating my pubescent lamb chop a couple times
TG: got myself baited
TG: or just didnt care either way
TG: idk its complicated
AG: Yikes! That happens a lot, yeah.
AG: And I'm sorry to say, 8ut there's a high likelihood that you got yourself recorded while you were masturb8ing.
TG: yeah thats what i figured
TG: although rationally speaking its probably not too likely that theres actually cp of me still floating around
TG: i mean its literally been more than a decade and ive never come across any
AG: Hmmmmmmmmm, that *is* a pretty long time.
AG: Normally I'd tear into you for stupidly giving strangers a sneak peek at your dick, 8ecause how else are you going to learn your lesson and 8e more careful?
AG: 8ut in this case, it doesn't matter anyway. You've gotten waaaaaaaay too old for these people to want to mess with you anymore in the first place, sorry!
TG: yeah no i get that
TG: but i cant shake the fear that its out there anyway
TG: so if there were someone out there on the lookout i thought it could put me at ease
AG: True. The internet has a loooooooong memory after all.
AG: If you want, I can direct you to the proper channels for making a report, and then we can keep an eye out using the information you provide us.
AG: Or several eyes. ;;;;)
TG: yeah but that would come with its own downsides
TG: see ive thought about it a little
TG: like maybe my expectations about this would be too high
TG: and what im subconsciously trying to do is go out and save some younger version of me that was still innocent
TG: like say i put you guys on the job to look out for the little guy
TG: which in a weird way feels kind of like a paradox double reacharound selfreferential parental consent decision
TG: and you couple back saying bingo we found some stuff
TG: then im supposed to feel happy that its gonna get taken down
TG: but i could also feel like shit cause it was out there the whole time
TG: and not feel any sense of closure over it anyway
TG: whereas if you dont find anything
TG: then whos to say im not gonna lie awake at night
TG: wondering if or when anything will turn up
TG: so im starting to wonder
TG: maybe its time to let the lil man go
TG: let bygones be bygones
TG: cause hes long gone anyway
TG: and instead i should try to celebrate the parts of him that are still in me
AG: Alright, have it your way! Jeez!
AG: I was just offering some pointers, and then suddenly 8luh 8luh, huge 8asket of psycho8a88le no8ody asked for.
AG: Strange way to thank a lady for trying to help.
TG: dont get me wrong like i appreciate it
TG: i think its great that youre doing this cause it seems really important
TG: i just dont know if itd help me at this point
AG: Sure, whatever you prefer. We've got enough work to keep us 8usy as it is.
TG: so how did you even land a job like this
TG: if thats something i can ask
AG: You mean my career path, or my personal motivations? ::::D
TG: uh
TG: whatever youre comfortable sharing i guess
AG: No need to 8e squeamish a8out it, Dave! I had reasons to learn my skills, and those skills let me accomplish my goals, and now I get to keep doing more of it, 8ut for money.
AG: The original point was to track down footage starring yours truly.
TG: i was afraid of that
TG: so they tricked you too huh
AG: Tricked me???????? Oh no, no8ody tricks Vriska Serket, not even at my tender age 8ack then.
AG: I was made to do aaaaaaaall sorts of things for a certain someone, and he wanted to keep mementos on tape for later use, so that's how the material got made.
TG: oh god
TG: jesus
TG: thats really bad
AG: Let's just say my mom needed her medicine money, and so I did my part. ::::)
AG: 8ut I wasn't a8out to let other people in on the fun forever, so that's why I gradually got into digital forensics to chase down my footage across the dark we8. It was out of sheer necessity, really.
TG: actually you know what forget all of my bullshit
TG: what the fuck was i even complaining about
TG: nobody ever put their hands on me
TG: at least not in that way
TG: i shouldnt be involved in this conversation
AG: Awwwwwwww, now don't go putting yourself or your experiences down on my account!
AG: One thing I've come to realize is that there's no accounting for how people react to these things that happened to them. There's just no easy measuring stick!
AG: May8e your thing isn't as dramatic as someone else's, 8ut you still feel like 8eing all 8roken up over it anyway. That's totally okay! I fully 8elieve you. In fact, I applaud you for 8eing so honest with yourself.
AG: That just means you can go and do your 8est to recover and move on with your life in whatever way you see fit, while I pull myself up 8y my 8ootstraps and fight 8ack for all of our sakes.
AG: It's my pleasure, really. No need to thank me.
TG: ok thanks but like
TG: how are you even pulling this off
TG: wouldnt your history make it harder for you to stomach the shit you gotta sit through on the daily
TG: idk just spitballing here
AG: I get that a lot. And sure, it's no walk in the park, 8ut I do all of my mandatory self-care, work 8reaks and counseling sessions and I'm holding up alright, so who can say that I'm not cut out for this?
AG: In fact, I'd like to say that what I went through made me stronger, 8ut my shrink wouldn't like that very much. :::;)
TG: ok
TG: yeah im not arguing with that
TG: more power to you
TG: slay queen
AG: Hahahahahahahaha.
AG: So does that satisfy your curiosity?
TG: actually wait
TG: can i ask one more question
TG: its probably a stupid one
AG: Go for it!
TG: do you think men are bad
AG: Woah, Dave! 8ringing out the 8ig guns, I see.
AG: Anything in particular giving you dou8ts? Could it 8e from how often it turns out to 8e men doing these things?
TG: kinda yeah
AG: True, in cases where I can pick out a perpetr8or, the vast majority of them are male. Not all of them! 8ut the vast majority, yes.
AG: Although, the way I see it, there's a minority of men out there doing their evil 8usiness, and a much 8igger group who wants to stop them, including the ones right here at my jo8. As well as the unlucky men and 8oys who got victimized. They definitely don't deserve the 8ad rap.
AG: It was pro8a8ly a man who exploited you, 8ut would you say that you 8enefitted in any way from that fact?
TG: no i guess not
TG: but still
TG: it feels like a pisstake for me to put myself in that "victims" camp
TG: when me being a dude came with some innate protection points against that in the first place
AG: You're right that girls are the typical victims in most kinds of cases that we see.
AG: Although for the a8solute worst categories of a8use, there tend to 8e more 8oys. ::::(
TG: damn
AG: Either way, it's not a contest, so what are you worried a8out? Just try and help kids stay safe, or just don't do anything criminal yourself, I dunno. It's not hard.
AG: And then you can call yourself whatever you want as far as I'm concerned.
TG: aight
AG: Say, do you wanna to hang out with me and Terezi l8er?
TG: what really
AG: Yeah! If you're friends with her, that means you must 8e a pretty cool person. Or really fun to mess with.
TG: lol why does it feel like yall are sizing me up for a snack
AG: Just your imagin8ion!
AG: 8y the way, it'll 8e a lot easier if you don't struggle. ;;;;)
TG: lmao
TG: ill think about it
AG: Don't overdo it!
TG: later
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

CG: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.
CG: HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SUCH AN IDIOT???
AT: uHHH,
CG: CHRIST. TAVROS, I'M *SO SORRY*. I'VE GOTTA TRY TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
AT: tHANKS, tHAT SOUNDS NICE, aND i'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT,
AT: bUT i DON'T UNDERSTAND, wHAT YOU ARE GOING TO TRY TO MAKE UP TO ME FOR,
CG: ME BEING SUCH A FUCKING DUMBASS ALL THIS TIME.
CG: I *DISTINCTLY REMEMBER* CATCHING WIND OF THE HEARSAY THAT WAS MAKING THE ROUNDS ABOUT YOU. AND WHAT DID I DO?
CG: MADE FUN OF YOU, JUST LIKE ALMOST EVERYBODY ELSE WAS DOING.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH ME???
AT: i DON'T REALLY THINK, tHAT IT WAS A CASE, oF ANYTHING BEING WRONG WITH YOU, oR ANYONE ELSE BACK THEN,,
AT: iT'S MORE LIKE, iT HAPPENED TO ME WHEN i WAS JUST A KID, aND NOT EQUIPPED TO UNDERSTAND IT,
AT: aND BY EXTENSION, nONE OF YOU COULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD EITHER, bY VIRTUE OF BEING KIDS AS WELL,
AT: sO i FORGIVE YOU, kARKAT, aND i DON'T EVEN REALLY THINK, tHAT THERE IS ANYTHING TO FORGIVE, iN THE FIRST PLACE,
AT: iF ANYTHING, iT HURT ALL OF YOU AS WELL, aLBEIT INDIRECTLY, fOR HAVING SUCH A THING OCCUR IN OUR GROUP, wHICH COULD HAVE STAYED INNOCENT, fOR A LITTLE LONGER,
CG: THAT'S...
CG: THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY WISE WAY OF LOOKING AT IT.
CG: AND REALLY HUMBLING TO HEAR. FUCK.
CG: I'M SO SORRY. GOD.
AT: bUT i JUST SAID, tHAT YOU DID NOTHING WRONG,
CG: I KNOW! BUT I SHOULD'VE WISENED UP TO IT AS I GOT OLDER. AND YET I NEVER THOUGHT THE IMPLICATIONS ALL THE WAY THROUGH.
CG: I COULD'VE REACHED OUT. ASKED IF NOTHING UNTOWARD HAD HAPPENED. AND INSTEAD I ABANDONED YOU TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THIS SHIT BY YOURSELF.
CG: I DON'T DESERVE TO BE YOUR FRIEND. THIS SHIT IS FUCKING SHAMEFUL.
AT: uHHH, i'M SORRY TO HEAR, tHAT YOU ARE FEELING ALL OF THIS SHAME, oN MY ACCOUNT,
CG: NO, NO, I MEAN... FUCK!!!!
CG: THIS SHAME, IT'S ALL *THEIR* FAULT TOO. PART OF THE VIOLENCE THAT THESE *PEOPLE* INFLICT ON THE REST OF US. VICTIMS, FRIENDS, FAMILY, EVERYONE.
CG: YOU DID *NOTHING* WRONG. AND, AS LONG AS WE'RE TAKING YOUR WORD FOR IT, NEITHER DID WE. AND YET WE'RE ALL STUCK FEELING SHAME.
CG: WHILE THE ONLY PERSON WHO *SHOULD* BE ASHAMED GETS TO LAY BACK AND ENJOY THE AFTERGLOW OF THEIR COWARDLY, INHUMANE ACT OF DEGREDATION THAT PASSES FOR AN EPISODE OF FUCKING.
AT: ,,,,
CG: YOU KNOW WHO THIS WOMAN IS, RIGHT?
AT: yEAH, sHE WAS THE MOM OF ONE OF MY FRIENDS,
AT: i DON'T THINK, yOU WOULD HAVE MET HER,
CG: OKAY, LOOK. I'LL BE REAL HERE.
CG: THERE'S ORGANIZATIONS OUT THERE THAT WERE CREATED FOR SHIT LIKE THIS. THEY HAVE PEOPLE THAT CAN *HELP* YOU. AND THEY'RE A LOT MORE QUALIFIED AT IT THAN I AM.
CG: THEY HELPED ME TOO, AFTER I WENT THROUGH SOME SHIT OF MY OWN.
AT: oH,
AT: yOU TOO,
AT: wHY,
AT: tHAT ACTUALLY MAKES ME REALLY SAD,,,, }:(
CG: HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I'M DOING FINE NOW.
CG: BUT WHAT I'M GETTING AT IS THAT THEY ALSO OFFER LEGAL ASSISTANCE.
CG: SO THAT'LL BE OUR BEST SHOT AT NAILING THIS BITCH TO THE WALL.
AT: oH, yOU MEAN AS IN, sUE HER,
AT: i HADN'T REALLY, cONSIDERED DOING THAT,
AT: eVEN THOUGH WHAT SHE DID, wAS ALMOST CERTAINLY WRONG,
AT: wHAT WOULD EVEN, bE THE CHARGE,
CG: RAPE, DUH.
AT: uHHHH, wOAH,
AT: tHAT'S NOT REALLY A WORD, tHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT, uP UNTIL NOW,
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS???
CG: IT'S THE MOST *CLEAR CUT* THAT IT CAN POSSIBLY BE. FULL ON INTERCOURSE, AND WITHOUT CONSENT, SINCE YOU WERE WAAAAY BELOW THE MINIMUM AGE FOR THAT.
AT: bUT, uMMM,
AT: sHE WASN'T THE ONE, pENETRATING, bECAUSE, tHAT WAS ACTUALLY ME,
CG: SO????
CG: IT WAS AGAINST YOUR WILL, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU STILL NOT REALIZE THAT?
AT: i DO REALIZE IT, bUT STILL,
AT: cALLING IT THAT, iN THIS CONTEXT, sOUNDS REALLY STRANGE,
AT: aND DO YOU REALLY THINK, tHAT IT COULD HAVE A CHANCE, iN COURT,
CG: YEAH, IT'LL BE AN UPHILL STRUGGLE. IT ALWAYS IS.
CG: BUT I GUESS IT COULD BE EVEN HARDER THIS TIME...
AT: sO THEN IS IT REALLY WORTH TRYING, tO PROVE tHAT i WAS RAPED,,
AT: wHEN TYPING THAT JUST NOW, mADE ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, aND A LITTLE NAUSEOUS,
AT: i'M NOT SURE,, tHAT THAT'S A WORD, tHAT i WANT TO USE FOR THIS,
CG: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S COMPLETELY VALID, AND I'VE BEEN IMPOSING MY OWN OPINIONS ON YOU LIKE A FROTHING IMPECILE.
CG: *YOU* GET THE FINAL DECISION ON WHAT LABEL TO PUT ON THAT SHIT. I'LL TRY NOT TO FUCKING FORGET THAT NEXT TIME.
CG: AND IN FACT, YOU MAY EVEN BE RIGHT FROM A LEGAL STANDPOINT, BECAUSE I FORGOT THAT LAWS VARY ON WHETHER THIS PARTICULAR THING CAN EVEN *BE* RAPE. WE'D HAVE TO CHECK STATE LEGISLATION.
CG: BUT EVEN SO, WOULDN'T YOU AT LEAST WANT TO BRING HER TO TRIAL FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT OR SOMETHING?
CG: HOW COME YOU DON'T EVEN SEEM THE SLIGHTEST BIT ANGRY??? BECAUSE I'M FUCKING *SEETHING*.
AT: nO, i'M NOT REALLY ANGRY,
AT: i'M MOSTLY JUST SAD, fOR HER SAKE, tHAT SHE IS THE KIND OF PERSON, wHO WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
AT: sHOULD i TRY TO BE ANGRY INSTEAD,
CG: ...NO.
CG: NOT ANGRY IS PROBABLY A BETTER STATE TO BE IN, IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL.
CG: DAMN. YOU'RE GIVING ME A RUN FOR MY FUCKING MONEY WITH YOUR WEIRDLY SAGELIKE OUTLOOK ON LIFE.
CG: I REALLY UNDERESTIMATED HOW MUCH YOU MATURED IN THE MEANTIME, TAVROS.
AT: iF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, i THINK MOST OF IT CAME, fROM THINKING ABOUT IT A LOT RELATIVELY RECENTLY,
AT: bECAUSE i SPENT A LOT OF THAT INTERVENING TIME, nOT REALLY MATURING,
AT: bUT RATHER AVOIDING THINGS, bY PASSING THE TIME MOSTLY BY MYSELF, wHILE LIVING WITH MY PARENTS,
AT: aS WELL AS DROPPING OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL, aND NOT BEING ABLE TO HOLD ONTO A JOB, fOR VERY LONG,
AT: iT WAS PROBABLY BECAUSE OF SEVERAL ISSUES, aND NOT JUST BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE DID,
AT: aLTHOUGH, tHAT MUST'VE DONE A LOT, iN NOT HELPING,
CG: TAVROS... FUCKING HELL. I'M SO SORRY.
AT: yOU ALREADY SAID THAT,
CG: NO, BUT LIKE. I ACTUALLY *GOT HELPED*. AND I GOT MY FUTURE BACK. YOU SHOULD'VE HAD THAT CHANCE TOO.
CG: AND DESPITE ALL OF THAT, INSTEAD OF PAYING THAT KINDNESS FORWARD, I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT FUCK UP THIS REALLY IMPORTANT CONVERSATION LIKE CRAZY.
AT: i DON'T THINK, tHAT THIS CONVERSATION, iS THAT BAD, pERSONALLY,
AT: wHEN i TALKED TO SOME PEOPLE ABOUT THIS EARLIER, wHO i STILL SEE SOMETIMES, aLBEIT INFREQUENTLY, tHE RESPONSES WERE MORE MIXED,
CG: UGH.
CG: DARE I ASK HOW?
AT: nOTHING TOO BAD,
AT: oNE PERSON THOUGHT i WAS PLAYING THE VICTIM, wHICH WAS NOT NICE,
AT: bUT MOST SAID YES, tO NOT TALKING ABOUT IT ANYMORE, tHOUGH WITHOUT REALLY UNDERSTANDING WHY,
AT: iN GENERAL, pEOPLE SEEM TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE, oR JUST CONFUSED, aND DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH,
AT: bUT YOU ARE THE FIRST ONE, wHO TAKES IT THIS SERIOUSLY,
AT: aND ALTHOUGH IT WAS A LITTLE STRONG-MINDED, aS COULD HAVE BEEN EXPECTED, gIVEN YOUR USUAL STYLE,
AT: iT STILL FEELS REALLY NICE, tO NOT BE ALONE, iN THINKING THIS IS KIND OF A BIG DEAL AFTER ALL,
AT: sO THANKS }:)
CG: *OF COURSE* YOU'RE NOT ALONE. THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO'VE HAD EXPERIENCES LIKE YOURS. OR MINE.
CG: AND WE'VE GOT TO LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER, OK????
CG: LOOK MAN, I'M STILL WRAPPING UP COLLEGE OVER HERE, BUT I WAS PLANNING ON MOVING BACK TO TOWN ANYWAY. AND THEN WE'LL HANG OUT, OK?
AT: sURE, tHAT SOUNDS NICE,
CG: I'LL BRING MY BF ALONG, I'M SURE HE'D BE HAPPY TO MEET YOU.
AT: oH, bUT i WOULDN'T WANT TO TAKE PRIVATE TIME AWAY, fROM YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND,
CG: DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, I'VE BEEN SEEING THAT ASSHOLE ALMOST EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST SEVERAL YEARS. WE PRACTICALLY *LIVE* TOGETHER.
CG: AND BESIDES, HE'LL WANT NOTHING MORE THAN FOR ME TO RECONNECT WITH OLD FRIENDS. IT'S A WIN-WIN SITUATION, GET IT?
AT: hAHAHA, oKAY,
CG: AND I'M NOT GONNA FORCE YOU, BUT I'D REALLY BE GLAD IF YOU CONSIDERED GETTING IN TOUCH WITH THAT ORGANIZATION. I CAN EVEN HELP YOU MAKE THE FIRST STEP.
AT: hMMM,
CG: SORRY FOR BEATING THE DRUM AND GOING ON THE FUCKING WARPATH FOR A SECOND THERE. IT'S ABOUT MORE THAN THAT.
CG: IT CAN HELP GET YOU A PROFESSIONAL TO TALK TO, PUT THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE.
CG: I MEAN, YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY ALREADY DONE A LOT OF THAT HEAVY LIFTING YOURSELF. AND I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.
CG: FUCK, I'M EVEN *PROUD* OF YOU.
CG: BUT THERE'S SO MANY MORE OPTIONS YOU COULD HAVE. AND YOU DESERVE THEM.
CG: YOU NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH IT CAN HELP UNTIL YOU TRY.
AT: ,, i SUPPOSE SO,
CG: AND THEY HAVE PAMPHLETS, TAVROS. *PAMPHLETS*.
AT: aHH, i GUESS PAMPHLETS, cAN INDEED BE NICE,
CG: OK! GOOD.
CG: I CAN'T CONSCIONABLY SAY THAT THIS CONVERSATION MADE ME HAPPY, BUT IF ANYTHING, I'M REALLY GLAD AND TOUCHED THAT I SOMEHOW STILL REGISTERED IN YOUR MIND AS SOMEONE YOU COULD REACH OUT TO.
CG: I'M LIKE. SO TOUCHED ABOUT IT THAT IT'S SOMEHOW PISSING ME OFF.
CG: FUCK, I'M STILL BEING OVERBEARING, AREN'T I????
AT: hAHAHAHA, kIND OF, yEAH, bUT THAT'S COMPLETELY ALRIGHT,,
AT: yOU'RE A GOOD GUY, kARKAT,
CG: JURY'S OUT ON THAT ONE, BUT I'M TRYING.
AT: }:)

THE END