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He wasn't here. He was gone. He had been gone for three months now.
Dan couldn't believe it had been only three months since his ray of sunshine had dissipated, leaving only darkness to overwhelm him. It had felt like an eternity.
Dan lay in his bed. It was 2 pm. He hadn't bothered to get up. He hadn't bothered to get up most days. He didn't make videos anymore, didn't do live shows. Sometimes, when he had enough motivation to check tumblr, he saw people wondering where he was, what he was doing, why he had been gone for so long. He didn't really care anymore.
Phil was gone.
And it was his fault.
If only he hadn't gone on vacation without Phil; if only he had charged his phone; if only he had called him before going out instead of resolving to afterwards; if only he had-
If only, if only, if only.
If only he had done a little something different, Phil might be here.
Dan felt the tears rolling down his cheeks again.
Not that they surprised him.
The flashback started again.
He remembered getting home from the party, slightly drunk, and plugging his phone in.
He remembered making a cup of coffee, then reaching over to check his phone.
He remembered opening iMessage, and beginning to read the copious amounts of messages from Phil.
Dan, this is Phil's mum. He remembered thinking that this was odd.
Phil is in the hospital. His heart beat faster. Faster.
I can't explain. There is no time. I need you to come back. Now. By this time, Dan had been in a full- on panic. It was like he was frozen, while the rest of the world kept going.
He remembered clambering out of bed and running to the train station. He almost missed the train to London.
He arrived at the hospital an hour later.
He pushed past protesting doctors and ran to Phil's room.
He saw people in lab coats gathered around the bed, each one frantically fumbling with some sophisticated medical instrument.
Dan didn't notice these. He was too busy looking at Phil.
His black hair was a mess, his face peaceful, his eyes closed, and his lips slightly parted. His chest was barely rising.
The tears came faster.
After only a few seconds, Dan heard the monitor flatline. That long monotonous beep. That meant only one thing.
"Clear."
BZZZZZZT.
Phil was dead.
"Clear."
BZZZZZT.
Forever.
"Clear."
BZZZZZZT.
He wasn't coming back.
"One more time. Clear."
BZZZZZZT.
"Alright. Time of death, 12:23 am."
And now,
Nobody was there to hold him. Nobody was there to keep him warm. Nobody was there to love him, for all eternity, no matter what.
For the first time in a long time, Dan was completely, utterly, alone.
He hadn't realized until now how much time he spent with Phil. They played video games together, filmed together, lived together, and went almost everywhere together. Most importantly, they loved each other. Together.
Dan pulled the small, fabric- wrapped box out of his pocket. He opened it. He gingerly took the still- shiny circle out of its satin best and stared at it in his hand.
"Oh, Phil. If only you had stayed with me for one more night. I could have asked you to be mine, forever."
Dan made the decision in that moment. He was really going to do it this time.
"Phil, I am coming for you. I can't wait to see you, my sun, my lion, my best friend, and my love."
With that, he picked up the knife from his bedside table, and plunged it into his chest.