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Jace has barely said a word since the arrow pierced Alec’s chest, sinking into him like a knife through butter. It's probably for the best. Everyone is being so considerate and lovely, and all Jace wants to do is scream.
He wants to scream at everyone who keeps trying to get him to leave Alec’s side for insignificant things like food and sleep. He wants to scream at Magnus who couldn’t heal Alec — what was the point of having a warlock boyfriend if his powers gave out when you needed him most? He wants to scream at Catarina and the Institute healers who have helped Alec, but clearly not enough because he still isn’t awake. Mostly, though, he wants to scream at himself because this is all his fault.
It’s only the act of clenching his jaw so tight his teeth ache that keep the words from pouring out.
If his parabatai wasn’t currently unconscious in an infirmary bed, Jace would’ve long ago coerced him into a hunt or sparring to work out his tension. Anything to distract from the montage of poisonous thoughts playing on a loop inside his head, telling him Valentine had been right. To love is to destroy.
He prods at the parabatai bond, and finds nothing there. It’s been silent since Alec passed out. There had been pain at first, dulled when Catarina healed Alec, and now there’s just emptiness. Jace would take the pain over the numbness any day just to know without needing to look that Alec was still there. At least the rune’s presence is proof that Alec is still living and breathing.
“Why won’t he wake up?” Jace asks no one in particular, his voice coming out rough from hours of disuse. He leans forward to grab Alec’s hand because he needs some point of contact, some extra reassurance.
Alec looks so lifeless, unmoving on a giant bed in an infirmary room for Shadowhunters in non-critical conditions. It beats the emergency area, but Jace wants Alec back in his own room.
“He’s still healing,” Magnus answers, voice calm enough that it grates on Jace’s frenzied nerves.
He and Magnus have been constants at Alec’s bedside, sitting across from each other in tense silence. Jace probably should’ve used the time to ask why Magnus’ magic was suddenly gone, but he’s been unable to think of anything except Alec and the things he’d done under the influence of The Owl. Victims of demonic possession rarely remembered the experience, but Jace could recall every horrible moment.
He shifts in his uncomfortable chair. “He needs another Iratze.”
“He needs rest. He’s fine physically, his mind just needs time to catch up.”
Jace looks incredulously between Magnus and Alec’s pale, unconscious body. “This isn’t what fine looks like, Magnus.”
Magnus’ eyes flash, steel gaze meeting Jace’s. “Don’t get temperamental with me, Herondale. I want Alec to wake up just as much as you do, and if you were anyone but his parabatai, I would’ve seen you out ages ago.”
“And I would’ve done the same with you if Alec didn’t love you so much,” Jace grumbles. He doesn’t really have a problem with Magnus, but he’s being irritating, and Jace doesn’t like anyone being around when Alec is so vulnerable.
“Then it appears we’re at an impasse.”
Jace glares at Magnus who meets it with cool impassivity. Jace huffs and turns away. He looks at Alec, searching for signs of life and giving his hand a light squeeze. “Come on, Alec, wake up and tell us to stop fighting.”
Alec gives no indication of hearing Jace’s plea. Jace prods at the bond again, pushing his concern through. That usually works; Alec can’t resist coming to the rescue when it’s Jace or Izzy asking for his help. He remains as still as ever.
Jace huffs. “That’s it, I’m getting in.”
“Getting in?”
Jace releases Alec’s hand so he can stand and remove his shoes, ignoring Magnus’ curious gaze. “Parabatai skin contact helps healing,” Jace explains, shrugging off his leather jacket but leaving his tank top. “And since Alec still isn’t waking up, we need to try it.”
“Well, don’t let me stand in your way. By all means, cuddle my boyfriend into recovery.”
Jace ignores the sarcasm dripping from Magnus’ tongue and proceeds to do exactly that. He easily slides into the bed beside Alec, tugging the comforter over them before getting as close as physically possible. He presses against Alec’s side, throwing a leg over him and tucking his head into Alec’s shoulder. One of his hands holds Alec’s, the other resting on Alec’s chest where the arrow had split him open. The wound has healed over without so much as a scab, but Jace swears he can still feel the pain of the impact. It reverberates in his own chest, splintering him.
Cuddling with Alec shouldn’t feel weird. It’s the whole purpose of the large infirmary beds, and he and Alec have landed themselves here plenty of times before. He’s cuddled Alec more than he’s ever cuddled anyone else in his life. But it’s weird with Alec’s boyfriend sitting there, watching the whole thing.
“I can feel your jealousy,” Jace mutters into Alec’s shoulder.
“I don’t get jealous,” Magnus rebuffs in a tone that suggests otherwise. “I’m just curious about the science of this whole healing parabtai cuddles thing.”
Jace scoffs. “It’s not like I know how it works.”
“That’s not surprising.”
Jace lifts his head enough to glare at the warlock, softening a little when he sees the concern creased into Magnus’ face. It reminds him they’re both suffering over Alec’s condition. He guesses he could be a little nicer about it.
With a little sigh, Jace puts his head back down. “You shouldn’t be jealous. It’s not like…like that.”
“I figured as much. You don’t strike me as being particularly into men.”
“I’m not. It’s not romantic or sexual or whatever. But I’d die and kill for Alec. If the most awkward cuddling session ever is going to help, we’re both going to just have to stick it out.”
Jace is surprised to hear Magnus’ chuckle. It’s a little dry, humor dampened by the situation, but it’s there. “I’m sure we’d both do more for him.”
“You can leave if you’re uncomfortable,” Jace says, hoping Magnus will take the out. Alec will ask about him as soon as he’s awake, but that’s a later problem.
“Oh, it’s not like I have anywhere else to be. I want to be here when he wakes up.”
Jace understands enough to not argue. He’s starting to relax anyway, curled up with the person who holds the other half of his soul, the closest thing he’s ever had to a brother. Alec is family.
He’s warm and familiar, and Jace can feel him breathing. The simple up and down of Alec’s chest is a balm to Jace’s anxiety. Alec is okay, he’s just asleep, he’ll wake up soon.
The room falls into another silence, a little less tense than its predecessor. Jace might fall asleep if he wasn’t worried about nightmares. There’s no way he’ll get any restful sleep until Alec is awake.
“This is actually quite cute,” Magnus says after a moment. “I don’t love seeing my boyfriend curled up in your arms, but the two of you do look a bit like puppies.”
Before Jace can voice his protests, someone else is asking in a rough voice, “Should I be offended by that?”
Jace shoots up, still holding Alec’s hand tightly in his own, to confirm what he’d heard. Alec is finally awake.
Magnus shifts close to brush Alec’s hair back. It’s exactly the kind of loving care Alec has always deserved, but never let himself receive. Shadowhunters aren’t known for softness. “Absolutely not, puppies are adorable. How do you feel, darling?”
Alec sits up, a good sign that he’s doing better, and leans against the headboard. Jace scoots away. “I’ll go get a healer—”
“I’m fine,” Alec protests, holding tight to Jace’s hand when he tries to let go. “I promise. I feel a lot better, I just need to lie down a little longer. The contact was helping.”
Jace glances at Magnus. “I’m sure you’d rather cuddle your boyfriend.”
“We can do that later.” Alec still isn’t letting go of his hand. “Jace cuddles are rare.”
It’s hard not to feel smug about that. Jace’s chest is glowing, filled with more warmth than he’s felt in a while. Funny how being possessed could weigh on you.
“Careful, Alexander, or I might think you prefer his cuddles.”
Jace suspects there’s some seriousness lurking under Magnus’ joking tone, but it’s not his place to comment. He squishes back in against Alec’s side.
“You know it’s not like that,” Alec says, voice soft. It’s the same tone he used when they were kids and Jace would seek him out after a bad nightmare. He’d never gotten mad at Jace for waking him up, just asked if he wanted a hug or to spar. “I love you both. In very different ways.”
Jace snorts at the inflection. “And I promise I don’t want to bone your boyfriend.”
“Don’t say bone,” Alec groans, shrugging his shoulders to displace Jace who remains at his side like a leech. “Especially when you’re in my bed.”
“Would you rather I say—”
“No!”
Jace feels himself starting to smile at Alec’s complaints. “I’m defusing the awkwardness!”
“You’re making it worse.”
“This doesn’t have to be awkward,” Magnus says. “I’ve known other parabatai before, you know, I understand how strong those relationships are. But if it would make you more comfortable, I can go find a healer—”
“Why is everyone trying to leave when I just woke up?” Alec grumbles.
“I was only—”
“I want you to stay,” Alec says with a conviction Jace didn’t know he could use when advocating for himself. He thought that tone was used exclusively for telling people ‘no’.
Jace manages not to outwardly react, but Alec shoots him a curious look that says he’d felt some of Jace’s pride through their bond. Jace is just glad it’s open again, that he can feel Alec on the other end, right there with him.
“Then, of course I’ll stay.”
Jace squeezes Alec’s hand, relieved that Alec had managed to find a boyfriend who understood parabatai bonds. Downworlders and mundanes could be so weird about it for no reason.
“Good.” Alec relaxes back against the pillows Jace had put between him and the headboard while he’d busy talking to Magnus. A little extra support couldn’t hurt. “Just for a minute, I need to get up and go back to work soon.”
Jace huffs. “Don’t worry about work.”
“What Jace means to say is that the Institute will be alright without you for a couple hours. I’m sure Isabelle has everything under control. You need to focus on resting and healing.”
“I didn’t need a translator.”
“No more bickering,” Alec complains, resting his head on top of Jace’s. “Just be quiet until I’m fully healed.”
Jace doesn’t like being told what to do, but he stays quiet, and so does Magnus. This time when the room falls into silence, Jace’s head isn’t filled with the screaming of his own thoughts. His mind is blissfully quiet, relieved by Alec being okay, comforted by the warmth of him.
There’s so much they still need to address, so many demons they still need to fight, but for this one, shining moment, none of that matters. All that matters is that Alec is okay.