Chapter Text
From a very young age, Evan Buckley knew he would end up alone.
Back before 118, before he was Buck, he had this dream where he would look around and see nothing but darkness. No other people, no buildings, no landscapes, nothing. He would scream and scream, asking if anyone was there, and run around trying to find Maddie. Once he joined the 118 he would scream for Bobby, and Hen, and Chimney. The dream persisted throughout his life, till he met Eddie. After that first shift, the only other time he had that dream was during the lawsuit, then never again. Till the day that Eddie left him.
Now, logically, Buck knew that Eddie wasn't leaving him. He didn't drive Eddie away like he did with Ali, or Taylor, or Tommy, or even Abby. Eddie wasn't leaving Buck, he was going to Christopher. It had been six months since the kid he loved like his own left for Texas. Six months of silence for the fear of getting in the way of the father-son relationship he so desperately wanted to fix. From the moment Chris left, Buck knew that this was the beginning of the end. He got too comfortable. He got too emotionally involved in this family he wasn't actually a part of. Buck knew that when push came to shove, if Chris didn't come back, Eddie would follow.
“I hope you know, you do matter to me.”
“I know.”
Then he was gone.
That night, he slept at the loft. There was still two weeks left before he had to be out and move into Eddie's house. Well, his house now.
No.
Eddie's house.
Always Eddie and Christophers house.
Even if they weren't coming back.
Eventually, after sitting on the floor by the front door and staring at a wall for two hours, he dragged himself up the stairs and into bed. Eventually, after staring at the ceiling for another hour, he drifted off to sleep.
It's dark. It's always dark when he wakes up here. He's screaming, so loud that he can feel the scratch in his throat and knows that when he stops he won't be able to speak again for a while. It takes him a minute to comprehend who he's screaming for this time. He hasn't been to this place in five years, but he remembers the last time it was Bobby, worried about him giving up on Buck and promising the universe that he would do better, be better so maybe he could get back to the family he always dreamed about. But this time, it's not Bobby. Not Hen or Chim. It's not even Maddie.
“Eddie!”
“Eddie please!”
“Come back! Don't leave me! Come back!”
“Please, dont leave me alone.”
“Eddie!” Buck wakes with a start. Fuck, he hasnt had that dream in a while. He rolls over from the right side of the bed to the left. Maybe it was a fluke, he thinks. He thought he got over this. After the lawsuit, and everyone forgave him he started to think that he was okay. He found his family, with the 118, with Maddie back in his life permanently, with Christopher. With Eddie.
Buck looks at his phone on the nightstand, not only is it 6:15, meaning he only has about 10 minutes before he has to leave for his shift, but his phone didn't charge at all. He sees the red battery sign staring back at him. Mocking him. FUCK.
Somehow, he makes it into work with two minutes to spare. He sprints into the locker room to change when he catches sight of Eddie's locker. He spends those two minutes before his shift starts just staring. What happens when someone replaces him? What happens when someone else’s things fill that locker? A bang breaks him out of that spiral.
“How are you doing Buckaroo? I know yesterday was probably hard for you.” It's Hen who asks the question, but Chim that slams the locker.
“Yeah, I know Maddie is worried about you. She said she tried to call last night but you didn't answer. Had to talk her down from going over to your place.”
He looks at the two of them, sees the concern in their eyes. He appreciates the fact that they care about him. Remembers how he wished and prayed for that blatant care when he was a kid. How he went out of his way to injure himself to get just a shred of concern from his parents, pretending it was actually love in their eyes, not fear and resentment.
“I’m fine.” He answers, wincing when his voice cracks right in the middle. Right. He woke up screaming. Buck clears his throat, takes a deep breath and looks them both right in the eyes when he says, “Thank you for your concern, but I'm okay. I know Eddie didn't leave me. He did not abandon me, he just had to go to his son. I get it. I'm totally fine.” Wow, he thinks that was pretty convincing, but when he analyzes Hen and Chims faces, he realizes that maybe he wasn't. In fact, they look even more concerned than they did when he first walked in. Nope. Not doing that.
Buck turns back to the lockers and gets changed into his uniform. He just wants to do his job, forget about the fact that Eddie is gone and probably never coming back, and get to doing what he does best, saving lives. Hen and Chim leave him alone, walking out of the locker room silently and heading up to the kitchen where Bobby is definitely making breakfast.
Once he climbs the stairs, he realizes how strange this is going to be. Eddie's not going to be sitting on the couch trying to stay awake, because he is so not a morning person and will not wake up before 10am on off days unless necessary. Eddie’s not going to be waiting for Buck to make his coffee, because yes Buck, I am capable of making it myself, but you just do it so much better! Once they get a call, Eddie won't be sitting next to him in the rig, pressing his knee into Bucks, Eddie wont be laughing along with whatever ridiculousness that comes out of Chims mouth, Eddie wont have his back.
Realizing that he is just standing at the top of the stairs, Buck quickly makes his way over to the coffee maker. Before he can even pour himself a cup the alarm goes off. And it begins.
It's dark. It's always dark when he wakes up here. He's screaming, so loud that he can feel the scratch in his throat and knows that when he stops he won't be able to speak again for a while.
“Eddie!”
“Eddie please!”
Buck wakes once again with Eddie’s name on his lips. His voice is hoarse. It's always hoarse now, he wakes up screaming every night. Sleep has become elusive in his life. He's taken to covering his dark circles with makeup, after a week straight of stares and questions from Bobby about his well being. Eddie has been gone for three months now. Ravi has joined A-shift as his replacement, leaving B-shift behind. It took a week for Buck to speak to him outside of calls, feeling such strong resentment towards him for taking the spot as his partner. Buck knows it's not Ravis fault. He didn't ask to be put on A-shift and replace Eddie, it was Bobby that made that call. Feeling that a familiar face would be easier for Buck to swallow than an entirely new one.
Buck and Eddie still talk, but not as often as before. When he first left, Eddie would call Buck pretty much everyday. He would talk about how much work the house he bought needed, saying that if he ever hoped to sell it when Chris wanted to come home he needed to fix it up. Buck would send him tips and tricks he learned from his time in construction, and research the best ways to make a house sell quickly.
Two weeks in, the calls slow down. Eddie says Chris is talking to him more. He will pick Chris up from school a couple times a week and take him out to do an activity, or get ice cream. Eddie says that he feels like he is really gaining his son's trust back, and Buck has never felt happier.
Three weeks in, Eddie stops mentioning coming back to LA. He says the house looks good and Chris will sometimes sleep over on the weekends, and says that he loves his room here. Its so spacious and light, and really feels homey. That causes Buck's breath to catch in his throat.
Week four is when Buck finally realizes they aren't coming home. Eddie starts work at Station 24 in El Paso. Says he really likes his team, his partner is funny and kind. Phone calls change to occasional texts, which changes to practically radio silence unless he reaches out first. It was a very slow, gradual process. Buck finally realizes that now, Eddie has left him. Now, he had driven him away just like he had everyone else.
It's dark. It's always dark when he wakes up here.
“Eddie!”
“Eddie!”
It's exactly three and a half months since Eddie left and Buck can't be here anymore. He can't sit and haunt Eddie’s house like he did Abby’s. Just like Abby, Buck needs to understand that Eddie isn't coming back. Just like Abby, Buck needs to move out and move on, but he doesnt think that just leaving Eddie’s house will be far enough this time. He needs to get out.
It's 3am.
He grabs everything he needs. A duffle full of clothes, his passport, his little box of cash that he has slowly been adding to since he started at the 118. It's a habit he picked up during his times as a nomad. He always knew, subconsciously, that after a while it would be time to pick up and move again. No matter where he landed, it was never permanent so he would start a fund to save up so he could rent an apartment or get a hotel room wherever he went next. Once he moved to LA, he kept up the habit until about 2 years ago. After the lightning strike, seeing just how much everyone in his life loved him, he stopped adding to it. He never did use the money he collected, just in case. That voice in the back of his head, reminding him that he would never be permanent, stopping him from adding it to his bank account or using it on anything.
He figures that he has enough sitting in his account to pay the rent on Eddie's house for a while. Eddie shouldn't have to worry about that on top of everything, it truly is the least Buck can do to pay him back for allowing him to feel the love of a family for just a bit of time. He had more than enough cash to get him to wherever he lands next. He's thinking north, maybe Seattle for a little while, then moving east through Idaho and Montanna. He can stop by that ranch he worked on so many years ago. Maybe he will spend some time in St.Paul, see the place where Bobby is from. He won’t go to Pennsylvania. And he will absolutely never step foot in Texas.
After he has everything packed, and by everything he means his one bag of essentials, he goes into his LAFD portal and puts in for all of his PTO and then some. He requests leave, citing mental health issues as the cause. He knows he will be accepted, with all he has been through it's shocking that he hasn't needed one earlier.
Buck knows that once everyone realizes that he's taken time off work, they will be at his door immediately, breaking it down if he doesn't answer fast enough. Problem is, he won't be here, and he knows better than to just take off without a word. He sends an email.
Bobby,
I know this may be a shock, but I need to get away for a while. I promise that I'm okay.
I don't know when I will be back, or if I'll be back. My phone will not be on. If there is an emergency, I will be checking my email periodically and I'm going to get a new phone so Maddie can contact me, but no one else. I just need some space.
Don't tell Eddie.
Buck
Evan Buckley always knew he would end up alone, but he didn't realize how lonely that would truly feel.