Work Text:
“Lou, I just think that mayb-”
“No, Harry! I’m fucking fine! I don’t need to go down, it’s a bad day, everyone has bad days.”He protests. Louis is not in the mood for “daddy Harry” right now. He’s irritated and cranky and just wants to go home and sleep. He called Harry on his way back home from a tiring photoshoot just to let him know that he was on his way home. He wasn’t expecting to have a conversation about being thrown into little space. Especially when it’s something he isn’t the most comfortable talking about. Little space is one of Louis’ things that Harry helped bring out of him. Being a therapist, Harry has had quite a bit of influence on Louis’s mental health and overall well being as the man tends to forget he is a human being that needs a break.
They met a couple years back when Louis was at the height of his modeling start. His agent, Oli, wanted him to go into his new life with a positive outlook and a relaxed mind. So they got him a therapist. His sessions with Harry were supposed to be maintenance. He didn’t really think he needed any ‘therapy’ but he wanted to make Oli happy so it was what it was. Sessions with Harry brought up deep insecurities and thoughts that would sometimes come up during shoots or when he was traveling. One particular moment Louis had a bad panic attack and almost cancelled a big shoot that would have gotten him where he is now. He hid in the bathroom of his private jet and waited til he could get Harry on the call. When he answered he fell apart. Sobbing stuttered insults at himself. Harry let him cry and say what he was thinking before he stepped in to soothe him. Harry watched him break down through the screen and his heart broke. He just kept going on and on about how he wasn’t enough and how he didn’t deserve the opportunity. Harry eventually couldn’t take it anymore and told him to stop talking. It wasn’t mean or very loud but the tone of his voice got Louis attention. The tone Harry uses even to this day that Louis affectionately named his ‘daddy voice’. It’s deeper and firmer but extremely soothing when he needs it the most. He doesn’t use it often but when he does Louis listens. When he got Louis to calm down, their relationship became more than clinician to client.
Harry was the first to come out and voice his feelings for him. Louis took a while but eventually let down his stubborn walls and allowed Harry in. They have been attached ever since. He had to get used to Harry’s calm, gentle and overly sweet personality. Being called some variation adorable and pretty every day can get overwhelming sometimes. He loves it, but sometimes he feels like Harry loves him too much. Which is not a bad thing, it was just a lot at first. Now he lives for it. Even more so when Harry puts him in his headspace. Being called cute or anything sweet, helps settle the process.
“ Louis… ” The voice over the phone changes and Louis is no longer allowed to protest. He doesn’t respond and he puts his head down, only looking at Harry through a pout. He darts his eyes away from the screen and sighs. ‘ Stupid voice’ he thinks. He isn’t in the mood for this right now. Not for this discussion and not for Harry’s tone.
He knows he needs to go down. He’s been fighting it for weeks. Harry has been quietly watching his emotional regulation decline and falter. Harry knows that he doesn’t really enjoy talking about it and really hates the feeling of the headspace settling in. Everything is confusing and slower. It makes him feel weak and vulnerable. But he reassures him every time that it helps him.
“Little space” started off as a form of light play therapy. When Louis was in town, he would come over to Harry’s office and sometimes he would be non-verbal or just simply couldn’t tell Harry what was going on since he saw him last. Harry would pull out a box of figures, toys, and little trinkets and place them in front of him. Louis would pick out the ones that matched how he felt and then he would pull out a large blue sandbox. He would wait while he placed the items in different places and it was up to Harry to decipher the emotion for the day. His heart would melt everytime Louis perked up when he figured it out. From then it was cuddling or tightly clutching various stuffed animals Harry had in his office that he took too. Little things that Harry observed and noted when they would have their sessions, brought him to the idea that Louis might have been a little and didn’t know it. Harry has worked with established littles for years. They’ll come to his office before a potential drop days ahead and try to break down why they might drop. For Louis, it was a different matter. He knew nothing about the headspace or why when he was with Harry, things would get fuzzy and slow and all he wanted to do was play or sit with him. He didn’t understand why stressful things made him dissociate deeply or why he would cry when he felt trapped in his own head. He understood none of it, so Harry had to start from the bottom up. It was hard and Louis hated him at first for basically calling him a child.
Soon Louis would come around and try to accept his fate. The problem was that he couldn’t go down without Harry. He never felt safe enough. He gets stuck at the beginning where everything is blurry and hard to understand. He gets cranky and sleepy and just wants to go home. That is what’s going on at this moment. A cranky, tired, and overwhelmed little who just needs a little extra love and patience.
“Baby, you have been fighting me on this for nearly a month. I let it go because you’ve been travelling but in an hour you’ll be back home with me for a couple months. You need to go down at least once. “ Harry tries. The expression on his face makes Louis a little sad. He’s missed him. Harry missed him. Sometimes, Louis thinks that Harry also wants him to go down selfishly. He has expressed many times how much he adores taking care of Louis. Louis’ independence can be sore for someone like him because he is a caregiver. He wants nothing more than to love on everyone else, so much so it’s almost like it’s his own therapy.
Louis sighs. He knows that he needs it and so might Harry but this is not something he wants to float into right now. It makes him nauseous just thinking about it. “Haz…I am fine. I don’t want to go down. Please…” He begs. Harry sighs and nods slowly. He won’t push. He wants to, but he won’t. “Okay, little one…daddy will see you soon then. I missed you. Can’t wait to give my boy all the kisses he’s missed out on.” Okay maybe a tiny push. Talking to Louis like this is a dangerous game for both of them but can you blame him? He missed his tiny boy. His little lou. Seeing him so tired and irritated and telling him he doesn’t want to be little even though he really needs it, is heartbreaking. He won’t force him down but he’ll plant little seeds. Set ‘little’ traps.
The little traps seem to work. A soft plaintive sound is heard from Louis. “What?” Harry asks. He is trying to keep the smugness at bay as he watches Louis’ eyes. “N-not little. Big. I’m big” He corrects softly. His voice is small and his accent is a little thicker making Harry melt. “Oh, you are so right. You’re a big boy. Not daddy’s tiny boy. I nearly forgot. I’ll see you soon, baby.” Before Louis could process any of what he said, Harry hung up. He stares at his laptop screen and tries to will the fuzziness away. He shuts his eyes tight and takes a deep breath. His brain is reeling from Harry’s words.
Little one…
Daddy’s tiny boy…
Daddy…
He closes his laptop and puts it in his bag. He checks his phone and looks up at the mid console GPS. There is 30 minutes left til he sees Harry again. He can do this. He’s fine. So what if Harry dropped a bunch of triggers, it’s fine. He doesn’t want to be little and he is standing on that.
Okay he’s going to try to stand on that…
W-well now he’s gonna feel very strongly about that..
He’s..no..now he’s going to cry….
He leans back in the seat and closes his eyes. A tear escapes but that's all as he falls asleep.
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When Louis wakes up, he’s very comfortable. He tries to open his eyes, but the strong rhythmic beating of a heart lulls him. He fights it and tries to sit up. Harry has him all wrapped up in a large fluffy blanket. He waits and watches as Louis tries to sit up and figure out where he is. He coos when small hands rest on his chest. He can’t help the wide smile when blue eyes look down at him. Harry can tell from those precious blues that Louis is drifting. Little space is trying to seep through the cracks of his stubbornness. Slow blinks and quicker breaths help confirm. The only way he’ll truly know is if he talks to him. “Well, hello little sun…”He greets. Louis perks up slightly but looks away. Harry frowns ‘ still fighting it.’ The car he was in arrived an hour ago and Harry couldn’t wait to see him. Louis didn’t step out and the driver was going to open the door. Harry told him to wait and do it slowly with the fear he might have been asleep. That he was. Harry scooped him up and grabbed his bag. He thanked the driver and took them inside.
“No Da-Harry…not little. Stop.” He says a little over a whisper. He smacks a pillow on Harry’s face then gets up. Harry sighs loudly then rolls his eyes. “You're practically almost there, Lou. Just let me help you. Why are you being so difficult?” He groans as he gets up from laying on the couch. He yelps when Louis yanks him back by his hair. He is standing at the back of the couch griping Harry’s short locks with a painful force. “For fucks sake Harry! You don’t listen and its LITERALLY YOUR FUCKING JOB TOO!” He lets go and stomps upstairs. “I DO NOT WANT TO BE LITTLE! Don’t need it, don’t want it! Leave me alone.” He yells from the top of the stairs. If he didn’t know Louis, this would hurt. He will leave him be. He can tell Louis won’t last very long.
A few more hours pass and Louis hasn’t come down yet. Harry isn’t worried. He took the time to tidy up the house and spend some time in the guest bedroom turned ‘nursery’. He restocks the mini fridge and starts the sanitizer for Louis’ various dummies and bottle tips. Next he pulls out a couple onesies and jumpers that are for his really little- headspace. Harry reckons that in the next few days that’s where they are headed. He checks the date on some of the protein shakes and Ensure milks that are stocked in the fridge and pours a couple in the newly sanitized bottles. He goes downstairs and grabs some snacks and treats to fill up the small snack bin by the fridge. Louis is quite difficult to feed when he’s little so he has to keep easy options close like meal shakes, fruits, veggie chips and biscuits-sugar free of course because little lou can’t tell the difference.
Preparing for a drop is a relaxing task for Harry. While Louis naps or fights him on it and avoids him, he just goes on about his jolly time, cleaning and making sure his part is easy and smooth. Louis’ drops are always rough and emotional. The tears won’t stop for hours. “Leave me alone, Harry!” turns into “Daddy, Up!!” in a blink of an eye and while it can be stressful at the start, he loves every bit of it. When he comes out of the headspace, there is a rewarding feeling to that too. Louis is so happy and calm and his little crinkly smile never seems to fade. He still remains stuck to him like glue but Harry never minded having a little shadow. Clingy and touchy Louis always followed after and he could never get enough of it. Louis hardly remembers much when he’s in the headspace but he does know he feels better but then he needs Harry in a different way. After a proper meal of course. Can’t have dessert before dinner.
His candy-sweet thoughts are cut short when he hears soft sobs coming from their bedroom. He quickly grabs a clean dummy and puts a cap on it so it stays clean and then runs out the nursery. When he nearly tumbles in, he expects to see Louis on the bed but he doesn’t see him at all. He takes a sec to listen out for him. More little sniffles are heard and Harry follows them straight to the closet. When he opens it, he’s met with a curled up sniffly Louis. Sweater paws in full effects. His knees are curled up to his chest under the oversized sweater and his head is buried in the paws, muffling the sobs. Harry tsks and Louis’ head shoots up and so does his arms. “Ne-need up…need daddy! H-hurts-head hurts!” He’s practically choking on the words. Suddenly all Harry sees is his baby boy. No more snippy boyfriend. Just baby.
“Oh, there’s my baby. Daddy’s tiny boy. Come here, littlest.” He coos, picking him up from his under arms. Strong arms hold on to the smaller boy tight, closing the closet door and pacing the room slowly as his little cries. “Daddy…no down…” he whines against him as Harry shifts him in his arms. Louis tightens his legs around him, not wanting Harry to put him down.
“My little honeybee…looks like we’ve started drifting, hm? Need some extra cuddles, I bet.” ‘Daddy voice’ takes over and soothing circles are rubbed on Louis’ back. “Daddy…”. The littles voice is small and airy. Harry’s grip tightens when Louis’ weight increases as he relaxes. Once he goes completely limp he curls one hand under him and the other around his lower back. The tight koala-like embrace is reduced to dangling legs and a limp body. Harry continues to talk to him softly. “Shh, it’s okay. I’ve got you. Daddy’s always got you.” Sobs have melted into tiny whimpers and whines. His small hand is loosely rested on Harry’s bicep. He hears lighter and quieter puffs of air leave Louis’ mouth. He can’t really see him so he walks by their full length mirror and struggles with his cute aggression at the sight in the mirror. Sleepy blinks and bottom lips suckles. Swaying side to side he watches Louis fight sleep. “Tsk, so small. Poor button, you did so good being a big boy. I know you must be so sleepy; You can sleep, puppy. Daddy’s got you.” Louis takes a big breath while trying to keep his eyes open, taking in his thumb in the process. Harry wants to explode at how sweet his baby looks. Messy, fluffy hair framing his sweet face. Splotchy and red, his cheeks and little kitten nose have an adorable airbrushed blush over them. He places light kisses to his button nose as that's all he can reach. He takes one last unbearably cute look at them in the mirror and sees Louis is fast asleep. He allows the thumb sucking for a minute while he walks to the nursery.
It’s decently late in the evening now and Harry decides it’s time for them to get comfortable. Normally he would change him into his little gear and then put him down in the bed in the nursery. Harry wanted to get the crib when they were planning the nursery design out but Louis was strongly against it. He felt like he would be caged in and trapped and Harry didn’t want that at all. So, they opted for a regular bed but bought soft guards for the side. They act as a cushiony protector for littles that move a lot in their sleep. That would be Louis.
Instead of putting him down in the nursery he decided he would just stay in their room for the first night. He changes him into a white cottony-padded pair of undies and a light blue jumper with a bear on it. He doesn’t normally have to worry about accidents with Louis. He’ll always tell him in his own way that he has to go but Harry insisted that they at least get more ‘underwear’ like nappies just in case. They are thicker but not like a nappy so it’s less awkward on his body. Their design sort of resembles boy shorts or boxers but they hug around his chubby little legs and tummy in the most adorable way. He double checks that they look comfortable and pulls down the jumper. Not after planting some kisses on his tummy first. Louis doesn’t move at all through the whole process. He just lays on the soft puzzle foam mat sleepily sucking on this thumb. Harry stands up and goes to the drawer to grab some white fluffy thigh high socks. These have a little blue ribbon at the top you can tie off to make them stay up. He sits back on the mat and gently takes his thumb out and replaces it with the dummy from his pocket. A happy sigh followed by the cutest squeak makes Harry fall in a puddle of ‘fond’. He quickly rolls on and fastens the thigh highs and pulls him closer by his hips. He leans over him, being careful not to crush him and begins nuzzling his nose against his cheek. For his last shoot, they needed him completely hairless so his face and legs are extra soft.
Slow and sweet kisses to puffy tear stained cheeks.
It’s quiet. Harry just spends however long giving his tiny baby boy all the kisses he has to offer. “Christ you are so fucking cute. Ugh, I just want to-” He cuts himself off with slightly more aggressive kisses to the boy. He stops when irritated quick huffs of air escape through the dummy. His nose scrunches up and he turns his head. He lazily side eyes Harry for lovingly disrupting his slumber, raising a small hand to unsuccessfully push his daddy’s face away. It fails and he just ends up resting the sleeve covered hand in his shoulder-accepting his fate. “Aw, I’m sorry, honey. Daddy just missed you so much and you smell so good and you're so tiny and I just need to snuggle you a bit.” He whispers. He is fighting for his life not to just wake him up and play with him. Like this, Louis is no different than a two year old. To him, he’s just too cute not to lose his mind over. He drags a gentle finger over the curve of his nose and pokes a lip out in a fond pout when the sleeping little furrows his eyebrows at the touch. He watched for a moment how the dummy bobbed inconsistently as Louis fell deeper into his slumber. With each time it bobs up, he lands a kiss in the center of it. Giggling softly at the action.
It’s a struggle but he does stop the kisses and loving stares- eventually. He picks him up and moves them to their bedroom, finally. He lays the sleeping boy down and leaves the blanket off of him for a bit, the snuggles made his body warmer than his usual and he doesn’t want him to be uncomfortable and wake up. He leaves to grab another dummy and a stuffy for the boy. He gets in the bed and turns off the lights. He wraps a protective arm around Louis’ middle and holds him impossibly close. He holds on to him like Louis is holding his stuffy. He is so happy to have his baby home. He falls asleep to the thoughts of what tomorrow may bring. Curled up into him, breathing him in and letting sleep take him away.
…he loves his tiny boy so much…