Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

(If Clarith had her lesbian awakening earlier)

Mikina: Can you read and write?

Clarith: *nods* Yes I can, Ma’am.

Clarith: Not only that, I have a PhD in lesbian.

Riliane: I've done a lot of dumb stuff.

Allen: I witnessed the dumb stuff.

Ney: I recorded the dumb stuff.

Chartette: I joined you in the dumb stuff.

Mariam: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!

Allen: *eating a cinnamon roll*

Germaine: Cannibalism.

Allen: *confused chewing noises*

(If Ney was raised by Anne and Arth)

Ney, Riliane & Allen: *screaming*

Anne: *runs into the room* What's wrong, Alexiel?!

Ney: Wait, why are you asking Alexiel that when Riliane and I are also here?

Anne: Because Alexiel wouldn't scream unless it's an emergency. You two scream whenever you have the chance.

Ney: So my therapist was talking to me and she said that I really just need to break down my walls and let people in.

Ney: So I’ve decided to break the fourth wall.

Ney: *looks at camera* Hi there. I use hallucinations as a coping mechanism.

Clarith: So, what's for dinner?

Rin, staring at the food they burnt: Regret.

Ney: I don't dab. I stab.

Germaine: In alcohol’s defence, I’ve done some pretty dumb stuff while completely sober too.

Germaine: *seeing Kyle’s design in Praeludium of Red* I can't take you seriously wearing that.

Kyle: I never realised you took me seriously at all.

Germaine: Fair point.

Riliane after the Lucifenian Revolution: *self-deprecatingly* …I’ve f***ed up, haven’t I?

Chartette: How has life been treating you lately?

Germaine: *nursing a bottle of alcohol* Horribly.

(Lucifenian Royal Palace, EC 500)

Allen: Dumbest scar stories, go!

Chartette: I stabbed myself with glass when I tried picking up a vase I broke myself.

Ney: I dropped the dagger Mariam gave me on my leg once and got a nasty cut.

Mariam: My shoulder got impaled by a branch when I was still fighting for Asmodean.

Elluka: *heals all her wounds with magic so no scars*

Elluka: …I have emotional scars.

Riliane: *writing a letter*

Riliane: Dear Santa, I'm writing to let you know I've been naughty...

Riliane: And it was worth it you fat, judgemental bastard.

Germaine: Ney, can I speak to you for a minute? In private.

Ney: Ooh, someone's in trouble. It's me. I don't know why I did that.

Germaine: Hey, Allen, where are you going?

Allen: Well, it depends. When I die, probably the Hellish Yard.

Allen: But right now I’m going to Elphegort.

Chartette: *Reading a letter*

Allen: Well, what does it say?

Chartette: It’s a confession letter. It turns out Ney killed my pet rock.

Michaela: Th-That was horrible! Your end goal is horrible! You’re horrible! You’re an irredeemable monster!

Ney: Woah, woah! What took you so long, idiot?!

Riliane: *dramatically* They called me a fool.

Kyle: *sick of Riliane's attitude* They weren’t wrong.

Germaine, meeting Allen in prison: You crossdress?

Allen, side-eyes her: You talk?

Riliane: *just after the Lucifenian Revolution* What have I done wrong?!

Kyle: Everything. For your entire life.

Allen: Are you mad?

Ney: No.

Allen: So sharpening your knives at 3 in the morning is just a hobby?

Ney: Yes, and no.

Germaine: *as a child* I can’t wait to grow up and have cool adventures!

Germaine: *in the present* I can’t wait to go to bed.

(Pride Arc Characters are playing Among Us)

Riliane: I believe Allen is innocent, I was with them the whole time. Ney, what were you doing?

Ney: Oh, I was just murdering… I mean, nothing!

Arth: *about Mariam and Leonhart* They make a cute couple, huh?

Elluka: They certainly are standing next to each other.

Michaela, to Kyle: All right, let’s tell each other a secret about ourselves. I’m going to go first—I have no interest in men.

Kyle: My turn. I love you, will you run away with me?

Michaela: WHAT part of my sentence did you just hear?

Riliane: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect.

Therapist: You often use humour to deflect trauma

Ney: Thank you.

Therapist: *confused* I didn't say that was a good thing.

Ney: What I'm hearing is; you think I'm funny.

(EC 500)

Allen, singing: I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need—

Riliane: Kill the Daughter of Green.

*Music screeches to a halt*

Clarith: *after finding out Rin is Riliane* I should've left you on the beach where you collapsed.

Rin: *smug* But ya' didn't!

Kyle: I intend to stay pissed at you forever.

Kyle: Even if I seem helpful.

Germaine: Then you're in luck.

Germaine: Because you aren’t.

Riliane: I've got a weapon, and I'm... admittedly VERY afraid to use it!

Allen: Riliane, Ney, I love y’all and all, but can I ask what in the hell are you doing?

Ney: *trying to stabilize a tower of folding chairs that Riliane is sitting atop* Oh nothing much.

Riliane: I love you too :)

Allen: I’ve only been around Riliane for a day and a half but if anything happened to her, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.

Post-Lucifenian Revolution Riliane: *concerned* Please don’t kill yourself.

Chapter Text

Elluka: I have a new job for you, but I'm worried it’ll make you angry.

Gumillia: Rip the bandage off. Say it quickly.

Elluka: You have to bring Michaela’s sapling to Clarith.

Gumillia: ...Put the bandage back on.

Clarith in Yatski: Please! Pretend I'm useful!

Ney as a child: My burn from yesterday hurts really bad, so I put a bandage on it.

Ney: It’s a wound that wasn’t even open, I know, but I would rather feel good than make sense.

(Watching the chaotic mess that is the Pride Arc characters)

Keel: Your smile looks forced.

Allen: *grimacing* That’s because it is.

Michaela: That's ridiculous. Clarith doesn't have a crush on me.

Ayn: Yes, she does.

Allen: Yes, she does.

Clarith: Yes, I do.

Michaela: Sign here to support our campaign to ban plastic skeletons for sale on Halloween!

Clarith: It's terrible for the environment and creepy as well.

Ney: *Popping up next to the stand* Yeah! Locally sourced, purely natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly and much cheaper! All you need is a shovel and a gravestone!

Michaela and Clarith: *Looks as Ney*

Ney: *Grins* What? It’s a proven method. 100% guaranteed.

Germaine: What did you guys get in your yearbook?

Riliane: ‘Prettiest Smile’

Michaela: ‘Nicest Personality'

Ney: 'Most likely to start a bar fight, most likely to win one’

Kyle: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, most likely to lose dismally'

Ney: *laughing* Oh, that’s pathetic!

Kyle: *tries not to cry*

Clarith: *confronting Michaela* Do you want to explain the text you sent me last night?

Michaela: It was autocorrect.

Clarith: *raises her eyebrow* Autocorrect wrote "You're so hot. Please step on me."?

Michaela: *entirely serious* Yes.

Clarith: Did it hurt when you fell—

Michaela: From heaven? Wow, I didn't think you were such a flirt—

Clarith: No, I meant when you fell down the stairs.

Michaela: ...

Clarith: Are you okay? You laid there for 15 minutes.

Riliane: What’s your response when stabbed with a knife?

Allen: Rude.

Germaine: That's fair.

Kyle: Not again.

Ney: Are you going to want this back?

Ney: I'm naturally funny because my life is a joke.

Allen: Why isn't the statue smirking at me?

Riliane: It isn't smirking at anyone; they're all just imagining it.

Allen: Three of us saw it, Riliane. How do you explain that?

Riliane: *points at Germaine* Hangover. *points at Kyle* Paranoia. *points at Ney* Delusional personality disorder.

Mariam: *in the background* Riliane, be nice to your friends!

Riliane: *yells back* You aren’t my mom!

Leonhart: *walks into the garden*

Allen: *burning something in a metal drum*

Leonhart: *runs forward* Allen, what are you doing!?

Allen: Burning my adoption certificate

Leonhart: Why in the name of Levia are you doing that?!

Allen: Good luck trying to return me without the receipt. I’m never leaving now.

Leonhart: *tears up*

Germaine: I’m gonna burn mine too!

Leonhart: NO

Allen: What's something you guys are better than Riliane at?

Germaine: Sword fighting.

Michaela: Romance?

Clarith: *quietly* Cooking.

Kyle: Politics.

Everyone: *looks at Kyle with disbelief*

Ney: Dude, you’re literally a puppet for Prim to manipulate.

Michaela: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?

Germaine: Have everyone stand.

Allen: Bring three more chairs!

Riliane: The most important ones can sit down.

Ney: Kill three.

Everyone: …

Michaela: *sigh*

Allen: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?

Riliane: Several traffic violations.

Germaine: Three counts of resisting arrest.

Michaela: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.

Ney: Also, that's not our car.

(Before Allen went to work in the palace as a servant)

Germaine: *Kicks the door down looking panicked*

Allen: What did you do?

Germaine: Nobody died.

Allen: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Kyle: *sighs pensively* Sometimes, I just want someone to yeet me out of existence.

Germaine: *doesn’t understand slang despite being younger than Kyle* That makes no f***ing sense.

Yukina: *somehow understands Kyle slang* He means that he wants someone to off him from existence.

Yukina: And no Kyle, no one wants you to die.

Germaine: I want to 'off you' from existence

Yukina: …

Ney: *cuts into the conversation* I have a knife and I am NOT afraid to use it. May you allow me the honour of taking your life? *takes knife out*

Kyle: *runs, screaming* NO DON’T KILL ME!

Arth: We call this a traumatic event

Arth: *looking at Allen* Not a 'stupid mistake'.

Arth: *looking at Ney* Not a 'lmao that sucks'.

Arth: *looking at Riliane* Not a 'it is what it is'.

(Pride Arc characters thoughts on stabbing)

Michaela: Would never stab anyone.

Kyle: Would stab someone in retaliation.

Germaine: Yells "I won't hesitate, bitch!" first.

Ney: Would stab without warning.

Ney: Would stab as a warning.

Inspired by this art! (Link here: https://www.tumblr.com/shaba-the-art/770026073659457536/some-families-just-want-to-watch-a-forest?source=share)

Millennium Tree Forest: *burning*

Arth: *sips whiskey from a wine glass*

Allen: *sips hot cocoa from a mug*

Riliane: *sips tea from a fancy teacup complete with matching saucer*

The three of them: *casually watches the forest burn*

Riliane: *singing* I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need—

Allen: A family.

Kyle: A better love life.

Clarith: Mental stability.

Ney: Your decapitated head that turned out not to be yours.

Clarith to Michaela: Pros and cons of dating me.

Clarith: Pros. You'll be the cute one.

Clarith: Cons. Holy Held, where do I begin—

Michaela: Some people say that I have a god complex. I’d like to think that I’m a complex god.

Michaela: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?

Allen: Maybe a bit tipsy?

Germaine: Drunk.

Kyle: Wasted.

Riliane: Dead.

Chapter Text

Clarith: Michaela keeps forgetting which Wi-Fi network she’s supposed to use.

Clarith: So I renamed ours to ‘Micha, use this one’ to help her out a little.

Ney: I learned some very valuable lessons from this.

Kyle: I'm guessing they are all horrible distortions of the lessons you actually should’ve taken away.

Ney: Death isn't real, and worship Banica Conchita or you’ll regret it.

Kyle: *raises eyebrows* Banica Conchita is the furthest thing from God.

Ney: *whips out her knife* HONOUR AND PRAISE OUR GREAT CONCHITA!

Germaine: *before capturing Riliane* I have unfinished business with the princess.

Kyle: Yeah? Get in line.

Yukina: So, how’s the food Clarith made?

Michaela: It's great! I’m going to give my compliments to her.

Michaela: *goes to the kitchen*

Michaela: You're adorable.

Clarith: *blushes*

Keel: Yesterday, I overheard Shaw saying, “Are you sure this is a good idea?” and Yukina replying, “Trust me,” and I have never moved from one room to another so quickly in my life.

Clarith: *still in a nice way* What is wrong with you?

Rin: I have this weird self-esteem issue where I hate myself, but still think I’m better than everyone else.

Germaine: *shatters a window and climbs through it*

Germaine: *turns around and helps Allen through it* Breaking and entering is wrong, Allen.

Lily: You're pathetic!

Germaine: You're pathetic-er!

Chartette: *so done with these two* You're both losers.

Kyle: *casually taking four stairs at a time*

Yukina, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time: Slow down, Kyle! Not all of us have long legs!

Allen, after his first disastrous attempt to make brioche: Thank you for not saying “I told you so”.

Riliane: When you’re as right as I am, you don’t have to say it.

Ney: Start talking!

Kyle: Well, I—

Ney: Shut up!

Riliane: I just realised that every person is living a life as vivid and complex as my own.

Riliane:

Riliane: I feel so bad for them.

Clarith, to Yukina: Can you tell me what’s a polite way to say someone you want to hit them with a brick?

Yukina: May I have the honour of connecting your head with this construction block?

Clarith: *picks up a brick and turns towards Kyle*

Kyle: *walking into Marlon Castle* Hello, people who do not live here.

Riliane: Hey.

Allen: Hi.

Germaine: Hello.

Ney: Hey!

Kyle: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!

Ney: *licking a spoon of ice cream* To be fair, we were out of ice cream. Also, we just cleaned out the entire ice cream supply here. Sorry, I guess.

Kyle: *terrified* Even my stash of vanilla ice cream?

Ney: *licks the spoon with satisfaction* Even your vanilla ice cream.

Kyle: *mental breakdown*

Michaela: Good morning, Ney.

Ney: Is it really a good morning? Or are you saying it for courtesy’s sake?

Kyle: I'm so tired of my life. I want to be a roomba. I want knives taped to me. And I want to be set loose.

Kyle: Would you guys be there for me if I were going through something?

Riliane: Nope, absolutely not. Not even for all the brioche in the world.

Allen: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.

Clarith: I hope it emotionally scars and traumatises you for the rest of your life.

Germaine: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.

Ney: *gleefully* I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome.

Michaela, bleeding out on the ground: Blood loss? No, I know exactly where it is.

Inspired by Animehaircolours’ fanfic Story of Redemption:

Riliane: *searching frantically* Where's the coffee maker?

Allen: I threw it away.

Riliane: *makes an exhausted, sad face* …But why?

Allen: You haven't slept in three days!

Riliane: Bold of you to assume it’s only been three days.

Allen: Riliane! That is NOT healthy! Go to sleep!

Allen: *picks Riliane up, carries her to her bed and tucks her in* Go to sleep.

Kyle: *moping in a corner* Bad things keep happening to me. It's like I have bad luck or something.

Ney: *rolling her eyes* Kyle, you don’t have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you’re an idiot and easily manipulated.

Kyle: Well so are you!

Ney: *slides out her dagger menacingly*

Kyle: *running away and screaming* HAVE MERCY ON ME, PLEASE!!!

Yukina: Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.

Yukina: Me too!

Allen about to convince Riliane to swap clothing: Your Highness, you trust my decision-making, right?

Riliane: …Normally, We’d say yes without hesitation, but We feel like this is going somewhere We won’t like.

Ney: We are gathered here today because someone— *grins happily at Kyle’s coffin* —couldn’t stay alive!

Yukina, running: Slow down, Germaine, I can’t ketchup!

Germaine, not slowing down: You’ll just have to use all the strength you can mustard.

(Michaela and Kyle Private Chat)

Kyle: You know, the more I’s someone puts in their ‘Hi’, the more interested they are in you.

Kyle: Hiiiiiiiiiiiii

Michaela: H

(Michaela and Clarith revealing their relationship and their sexuality to the Pride Arc characters)

Germaine: So when’s the wedding?

Gumillia: *under her breath* About time.

Elluka: *happy to see her apprentice finding love*

Riliane: I’m happy for you both!

Allen: *a little sad that Michaela never liked him back, but still happy for them* Congrats!

Kyle: *confused as heck* You’re a lesbian? I thought you were an Elphe.

Ney: *slaps her forehead* Michaela being a lesbian means she likes women, idiot.

Kyle: *still confused* That’s a thing?

Riliane: I have lots of friends!

Kyle: Name one.

Riliane: Well, there’s—

Kyle: Name one you haven’t gotten incredibly angry at, or one who hasn’t betrayed you.

Riliane: Hey, that’s not fair, then there aren’t any!

Kyle: Ney, you need to react when people cry!

Ney: I did. I rolled my eyes.

Ney: *grinning* I have a knife!

Kyle: Put it down, Ney.

Ney: Make me! *sprints away*

Kyle: NEY NO!

(Alternate events of Praefacio of Blue)

Yukina: *goes up to Keel crying*

Yukina: *sniffs* Daddy, Kyle was found dead today. Mommy told me he was stabbed in the chest and his body was dumped in a river.

Keel: *washing off something red* Oh, you don't say?

Yukina: …Daddy?

Keel: *smiling* It’s nothing, darling.

(Somewhere else)

Ney: *laughs maniacally* Yessss, my pathetic brother is dead!

Prim: *having a mental breakdown because all her plans for using Kyle to build a greater Marlon were ruined*

Rin: Good news! I didn’t screw up!

Clarith: ...

Rin: I screwed up less badly than usual!

Clarith: ...

Rin: Screwed up with less immediate consequences than usual.

Chapter Text

Michelle: What if Papa presses the brake and gas at the same time?

Nemesis: The car takes a screenshot.

Gallerian: For the last time, Nemesis, shut the f*** up.

Nemesis: You are the love of my life, and I would do anything within reason to make you happy.

Nyoze: I would be happy if you ate 3 meals a day, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep.

Nemesis: I said within reason. How about I murder that guy?

Nyoze: So murder is reasonable, but proper self-care isn't?

Nemesis: Well, duh. What kind of question is that?

Michelle: Papa won’t come out of his room.

Nemesis: Just tell him I said something.

Michelle: Like what?

Nemesis: Anything factually incorrect.

Michelle: *shrugs* If you say so.

Gallerian: *slams open the door moments later* Nemesis, did you just say the sun is a PLANET?!

(If Nemesis and Michelle grew up together and were close sisters)

Michelle: *Before leaving to board the S.S. Titanis* Bye Nemesis! Bye Papa! Bye Mr. Bruno! Bye Miss Shiro! Bye Nemesis!

Gallerian: You said “Bye Nemesis” twice

Michelle: *closes her suitcase* I like Nemesis.

Bruno: Are we really going to let Michelle keep Nemesis?

Hel: *sarcastically* You have a crush on Gallerian.

(Post-Heavenly)

Gallerian: Met a dumba** today. Horrible.

Nemesis: So you looked in the mirror?

Gallerian: Someday, you will have to answer for your actions, and god may not be so merciful.

Nemesis: But I AM God.

(Nemesis is ranting to Postman)

Nemesis: So Nyoze just told me he loved me for the first time…

Postman: …

Nemesis: And I literally did finger guns back! What was past-me thinking? I feel so embarrassed…

Postman: …

Nemesis: For my New Year’s resolution, I intend to do big. No lowkey actions for me.

Nemesis: I’m going to highkey hate people. Highkey kill people. Highkey invent a bomb to kill everyone.

Nemesis: Go big or go home.

Nemesis: I’m an idiot.

Gallerian:

Hel:

Bruno:

Gammon:

Nemesis:

Gallerian: If you’re waiting for us to disagree, this is going to be a looooong day.

Gallerian: I'll offer you some friendly advice—

Nemesis: I don't want your advice.

Gallerian: Well, then consider it unfriendly advice.

Nemesis: I will shoot you with my gun and watch you die!

Michelle: Little sis! That’s rude! Please apologise to Papa!

Nemesis: No. *walks away*

Bruno: There's only one thing worse than dying.

Bruno: *pulls off paper to reveal ‘Gallerian dying’*

The rest of Grath arc characters (except Michelle): *in unison* Gallerian.

Bruno: NO!

(Nyoze and Gammon as children)

Nyoze: Hey, wanna hear a funny joke?

Gammon, being the emo kid he is: I only like dark humour.

Nyoze, turning the lights off: What do you call a fake noodle?

Gammon:

Nyoze: An IMPASTA!

Bruno: No.8, why aren’t you available this weekend for assassination?

Nemesis, who has a date with Nyoze: Generic excuse.

Bruno: I can’t believe you said that out loud, to my face.

Nemesis: I can and I will.

Bruno: Sometimes, I don’t realize all events from my childhood were traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.

*Everyone is giving advice to Michelle*

Gallerian: It's okay to ask for help.

Bruno: You're not a burden.

Nemesis: Murder is okay.

Nyoze: Your feelings matter.

Nemesis: *stares at the wasteland that is the Third Period* Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions.

Nemesis: My ultimate goal before I die is to punch a god in the eye just to spite them one last time.

Nemesis: But turns out I’m a god, and I don’t fancy punching myself.

Bruno: Hel’s amazing at concentrating. Once she has a stack of paperwork to complete, the only way she’ll notice you is if you flip her desk. Not even if you hit her, shake her or take away her paperwork!

Feng Li: That was her ignoring you.

Nemesis: I am the master of the hellish yard! I have become the destroyer of hel—

In the Hellish Yard: *Faint singing can be heard in the distance*

Gumillia: *takes off Seth to see clearly and frowns*

Gumillia: I think NOT. I was here first. This has been MY role for more than 400 years, and some wannabe GUMI ain’t taking this from me. Go be emo somewhere else. *stomps away*

Seth: *lying forgotten on the ground* 

Gallerian watching his mansion get set on fire by militias: The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.

Nemesis: Valentine’s Day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart-shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos—

Nyoze: I wrote you a poem.

Nemesis: *already crying* You did?

Loki: Are you tall enough to walk into a bar though?

14-year-old Gallerian: Are you calling me short?

Loki: I'm calling you vertically challenged.

Nemesis: F*** this s***, I’m outta here.

Gallerian: I feel like I’ve died and gone to heaven.

Loki: I have that dream too, but you go in the other direction.

Bruno: I've also had that dream, but Loki goes to the place he rightfully belongs in. Which is hell.

Adam: Hey, I took your soul last month and—

Gallerian: No returns.

Adam: *sobbing* But it's making me sad...

Ma: Hey there, demons. It's me, ya girl.

Gallerian: I only have two emotions: exhaustion and stress. And I'm somehow always feeling both simultaneously.

Nemesis: Fight me!

Nyoze: *gets on one knee and pulls out a ring*

Nyoze: Fight me for the rest of our lives.

Nemesis: You're alive.

Ma in Riliane’s body: There's no need to sound so disappointed.

Nemesis: Gallerian, this morning, I called you abhorrent and reprehensible, and I'd like to withdraw that statement—

Gallerian: Aww, thanks—

Nemesis: But I can't. Those are the 2 words that best describe you.

Michelle: *standing on a balcony and sneezes*

Nemesis: *standing on the roof* Bless you.

Michelle: God?!

*PN’s cooking skills*

Bruno: *master chef*

Hel: *knows a few recipes*

Shiro: *can follow instructions on a box*

Gallerian: *made toast once*

Feng Li: *banned from the kitchen*

Kidnapper: I have your partner.

Nyoze: What? I don't have a partner...

Kidnapper: Then who just called me a lowlife b**** and slapped me in the face?

Nyoze: Oh my god, you have Nemesis.

Bruno: Where are your parents?

Nemesis: What are parents?

Bruno: That's just about the saddest thing I ever heard get said.

Bruno: Let's write Loki’s obituary, shall we? Loki Freezis… was a…Despicable... Bastard...

Mira: You disgust me.

Gallerian: *eating a KitKat sideways* I realise this and don't care.

Gammon: Nemesis, no.

Nemesis: Nemesis, yes.

Nemesis: Nyoze is playing hard to get.

Nemesis: Little do they know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.

Chapter Text

Nyoze: We should be partners.

Nemesis: You mean like, partners in crime?

Nyoze: Yeah... that’s precisely what I meant.

Bruno: If you got arrested what would be the charges?

Nyoze: Being too handsome :)

Gallerian: Bribery.

Gammon: Aggravated assault.

Court: Arson.

Nemesis: All of the above. In that order, probably.

Nemesis: Relationships should be 50/50. Nyoze cooks us dinner while I sit on the kitchen counter looking pretty.

Michelle: The floor is lava!

Nyoze: *helps Gammon onto the counter*

Nemesis: *kicks Gallerian off the sofa*

Gallerian: *lies on the floor*

Bruno: ...Are you okay?

Gallerian: No.

Nyoze: And what did we learn, Nemesis?

Nemesis: Tackling someone or attempting to shoot them with a gun isn’t the correct response to being asked a simple question.

Nemesis: So, Gallerian is late today. Anyone wanna bet why?

Nemesis: I say he wasn’t looking carefully while crossing the road and got hit by a car.

Michelle: I don't know about that...I think either his alarm clock didn't go off, or he’s checking his savings at the bank.

Bruno: *panicking* Take this more seriously! What if Gallerian taken out in his sleep!

Gammon: *derisively* I bet he tucked himself into the bed too tightly and got stuck.

Nyoze: Maybe he fell into another dimension...?

Gallerian: *arrives* Sorry I'm late—there was a problem at the bank.

Michelle: *claps their hands in excitement* HOT DAMN!

Gallerian, to Bruno: If I'm extra sarcastic with you, it probably means I'm flirting with you, or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap… have fun figuring out which one.

Nemesis: Who the f*** added me to a f***ing group chat?

Bruno: >:O Language

Michelle: Yeah watch your f***ing language

Gallerian: WHO TAUGHT MICHELLE THE F*** WORD?!

Gammon: 'The f*** word'.

Nyoze: You guys use the f word all the time

Gammon: Oh my Levia, he censored it

Nemesis: Say f***, Nyoze.

Michelle: Do it! Say f***.

Gallerian: Throw lamps at people who need to lighten up, and throw handles at someone who needs to get a grip!

Michelle: Throw a refrigerator at someone who needs to chill!

Gammon: Throw scissors at someone who needs to cut it out!

Nyoze: Throw a clock at someone who needs to get with the times!

Bruno: Throw matches at someone who needs to get fired up!

Nemesis: Throw a brick at someone to kill them.

Everyone: …

Nyoze: You know, when Gallerian comes over, Nemesis can get a little…

Bruno: Psycho?

Michelle: Scary?

Hel: Drunk?

Gammon: All three.

Master of the Court: Help me with this crossword puzzle, papa. I need a seven-letter word for disappointment.

Gallerian: Nemesis.

Master of the Court: ...It fits!?

Nemesis: How to survive a self-inflicted gunshot to the head 101.

Nemesis: Make a contract with a demon.

Tony: Man, they look like a real handful. How do you deal with them?

Nemesis/Levia: *screaming*

Court: *trying to set a sleeping Michelle on fire*

Behemo: *doing the funky chicken*

Gallerian: *so done with the chaos* …I don't know either.

Nyoze: “I miss you” is the nicest text you can receive.

Nemesis: “I bought a nuclear warhead.”

Gallerian: You’re both wrong, it’s “I have too much money, you can have some.”

Bruno: “I got you pizza.”

Gammon: Fools! I present to you this: “Your significant other is driving to your house right now.”

Nemesis: “Your significant other had too much money so they’re driving to your house in a nuclear warhead with a pizza that they got for you.”

Nyoze: “…Because they missed you.”

Nemesis: Go to hell!

Gallerian: Oh! I’ve been there, thank you. I found the experience quite enlightening.

Bruno: How many children do you have?

Gallerian: Biologically, legally, or emotionally? Because there is a difference.

(In the background)

Nemesis, Michelle, Court and Behemo: …

Michelle: Help! I’m drowning!

Nemesis: Calm down. We’re only in six feet of water!

Michelle: NOT ALL OF US ARE TALL!

Nemesis: *casually searching for something around the room*

Michelle: Hey Nemesis, what are you looking for?

Nemesis: My will to live.

Nyoze: *walks into the room*

Nemesis: Oh, there it is.

Nemesis: All of a sudden I got a random burst of energy, and I think it's my body's last hurrah before it completely shuts down.

Nemesis: You have any sunscreen?

Gammon: You can't get a sunburn from a bonfire—

Nemesis: It's for my marshmallow, ya dummy.

Nemesis: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

Michelle: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

Gammon: A realist sees a freight train.

Gallerian: The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

Nemesis: *pitches an idea*

Nyoze: *impressed* Huh, there might be something here!

Gammon: *under his breath* Yeah, a lawsuit.

Nyoze: Gallerian doesn’t look very happy.

Nemesis: That's his happy. He’s just a b***ard.

Nemesis: You can do it Gallerian!

Nemesis: But if you can't, at least your death will be quick, painless, and really cool to watch.

Nemesis: I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Gammon: My aesthetic is ‘would be suspected of witchcraft by small town citizens’.

A drug dealer: Got some straight gas for you. This strain is called ‘The Muzzle of Nemesis Part 1—Memory of Settling the Score’. You'll be zonked out of your gourd.

Nemesis: Yeah whatever i don't feel s***.

(5 minutes later)

Nemesis: Gammon, if Bruno’s gay for my father does that mean he’s my dad too?

Gammon, pacing: I missed a whole world war playing servant to demons and awakened vessels.

Nemesis: Where are my f***ing keys?

Gallerian: Nemesis, Michelle is around, can you say it a little nicer?

Nemesis: May I ascertain the whereabouts of my F***ING KEYS?!

Gallerian: *walks into Nemesis’ jail cell* Did you have to stab them?

Nemesis: You weren’t there. You didn’t hear what they said to me.

Gallerian: What did they say?

Nemesis: "What are you going to do, stab me?"

Gallerian: …Okay, that’s fair.

Michelle: I literally cannot believe I let you talk me into this.

Nemesis: I literally said “I have an idea”, and you just went along with it without question.

(Dancing together in Waltz of the Departed)

Nemesis: Gallerian, my dear father!

Gallerian: You literally killed me while blaming me for things your mother did.

Nemesis: That was obviously just my way of getting to know you.

(The TV is freaking out)

Gammon: Don’t worry, you have to treat an electronic like you treat a patient on life support.

Gammon: *unplugs the TV, then plugs it back in again*

TV: *continues to glitch*

Gammon: Yeah, that didn’t work with my grandma either.

Michelle: Hey, if you put ‘violently’ in front of anything to describe your action, it becomes funnier.

Gallerian: *violently takes bribes*

Nemesis: *violently fires a nuclear bomb*

Hel: *violently does paperwork*

Shiro: *violently stutters*

Bruno: *violently has an existential crisis*

Feng Li: *violently worries about that last comment*

Chapter Text

Gallerian: I would do anything for money to save my daughter.

*later*

Gallerian, covered in blood: THE STATEMENT STILL STANDS!

Nemesis: The Gods have let me live another day, and I'm going to make it everyone's problem.

Michelle: Dandelions symbolise everything I want to be in life.

Gammon: Fluffy, and dead with a gust of wind?

Michelle: Filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that all the world’s hate can’t ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

Nemesis: Edible.

Bruno: Stop doing that.

Gallerian: Stop doing what?

Bruno: Saying things that make me wanna kiss the hell out of you.

Gammon: Nice rock.

Nyoze: Thanks, Nemesis gave it to me.

Nemesis: I threw it at you!

Nyoze: Isn’t she the best?

Bruno: Gallerian, why are you crying?

Gallerian: This book is so sad!

Bruno: *picks it up* But this is my diary from when I was younger.

Nemesis: If I run and leap at Nyoze, he will definitely catch me in his arms.

Nemesis, running towards Nyoze: Coming in!

Nyoze: No! I’m holding coffee!

Nyoze: *drops coffee and catches Nemesis*

Gallerian: I wonder who’s ruining my life.

Gallerian: *looks in the mirror*

Gallerian: So we meet again.

Bruno: You know, there’s something weird going on with your face?

Nemesis: What?

Bruno: You’re smiling! I didn’t know you could do that. What’s making you so happy?

Nyoze: Me!

Gallerian: Why do you hang out with me?

Bruno: *completely sincere* You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me!

Gallerian: …

Gallerian: I don’t know if I should hug you or call you stupid for liking me.

Michelle: Hopefully, Nemesis has learned a lesson about respecting other people's feelings.

Nemesis: Oh, shut up and die Michelle.

Gallerian, about everyone betraying him: Could you maybe just like… stab me… right in the gut. Just REALLY twist it in there. ‘Cause that honestly seems less painful than this conversation.

Nemesis: I'm a firm believer in ‘if you're going to fail, you might as well fail spectacularly’.

Nemesis: *proceeds to fire all the Punishment bombs and end the world*

Gammon: Uh, Gallerian? Michelle is in the pool, and I don't think she’s waterproof.

Gallerian: What?

Nyoze: I think he means Michelle is drowning.

Gallerian: WHAT?!

*Meanwhile*

Michelle: *is drowning*

Nemesis: OH MY GOD, Michelle! KEEP SWIMMING!

Michelle: I can't swim— *sinks*

Gallerian: Tomorrow’s trash day.

Nemesis: I can't believe they made a whole day dedicated to you.

Michelle: What's two plus two?

Nemesis: Math.

Michelle: ...That is an acceptable answer.

Nemesis: You’re insane!

Gallerian: Sure I am. What’s your point? 

Bruno: How would you rate the pain of getting shot in the head?

Gallerian: 0/10. Absolutely would not recommend.

Gammon: Maybe the real monster was the friends we both literally and figuratively murdered along the way.

Gallerian, hanging off a cliff (Sateriasis dropped him off): You guys mind helping me up?

Bruno: *grabs hand*

Nemesis: *steps on hand*

Gallerian: OUCH! Nemesis, I asked you to HELP me up!

Nemesis: Which is exactly why I'm doing the opposite.

Gammon: You know what your problem is?

Nemesis: I only have one?

Nemesis, touch-starved: My hands are cold.

Nyoze: Here, let me hold them.

Nemesis: My lips are cold, too.

Nyoze: *covers Nemesis’ mouth with his hand*

Nemesis: *tries not to cry*

Bruno: Where are you going?

Gallerian: Hell, eventually.

Gallerian: What’s up with you?

Nemesis: What do you mean?

Gallerian: You’ve been nice and helpful and considerate all day. What’s your game?

Nemesis: “Ladies and gentlemen” is unnecessarily gendered, overly formal, lengthy, and honestly, I’m falling asleep already. “Idiots” on the other hand, is inclusive to all genders, to the point, and dramatic.

Gammon: Nemesis, is that legal?

Nemesis: When there are no cops around, anything's legal!

Nemesis: I came out here to attack people, and I'm honestly having such a good time right now.

Nyoze: My life isn't as glamorous as my wanted poster makes it look. A life undercover and on the run is hell on Earth.

Nyoze: *grabs Nemesis* Luckily, I have my awesome girlfriend with me!

Nemesis: I’m terrible at expressing myself.

Michelle: Don’t worry, actions speak louder than words!

Nemesis: Yes, but my actions are also bad.

Gallerian: *out cold on the ground*

Michelle: Oh my Levia, do you think Papa’s okay?!

Nemesis, holding a bucket of ice water: Who cares?! *dumps all of the water on Gallerian’s face*

Nemesis, after listening to too many of Gammon’s emo rants: Gammon is forbidden from monologuing.

Gallerian: Hey, wanna help me commit tax fraud?

Bruno: What the hell!?

Gallerian: Oh, sorry, my bad.

Gallerian: *whispering* Wanna help me commit tax fraud?

Bruno: *whispering* Of course. What do you need?

(Nemesis and Nyoze texting)

Nemesis: Come downstairs and talk to me please. I'm lonely.

Nyoze: Isn't Gammon there?

Nemesis: Yes, but I like you more.

Gammon: *being emo* You know… after countless years of ruminating, I have deduced my life has value.

Nyoze: Who are you and what have you done with Gammon?!

Nemesis: If a demon possessed me, I’d just be like, “Okay, take it from here, good luck man.”

Seth: It’s prime real estate.

(After working for 20 hours straight)

Gallerian: I wanna sleep for 40 hours.

Bruno: *concerned* You know that's called a coma, right?

Gallerian:

Gallerian: *dead tired* That sounds so refreshing, I could totally go for a light coma right now.

Nemesis: *in her violent era* My greatest wish is to see what happens when the whole world is destroyed.

Nemesis: *EC 1000* Huh. The movies make it seem so much cooler.

Bruno: Do you take constructive criticism?

Gallerian: No, only cash or credit.

Nemesis: We all have our demons.

Nemesis, grabbing Seth: This one’s mine.

Nemesis: *if Gammon was there for the Great War in EC 993* Everything’s fine, Gammon.

Gammon: Nemesis, I know your relationship with the English language is strictly casual, but you— deep inhale ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU WHAT’S NOT FINE.

Gallerian: Sometimes I get so caught up in being gay that I forget I'm actually bi.

Bruno: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn't do it.

Gallerian: I know, that's why I bottle up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out.

Bruno: Th—That's not how that works.

Chapter Text

Elluka Chirclatia: Seriously, Irina, you seem mentally ill.

Irina: I never said I wasn’t, why are you telling me this?

Elluka: *texting* Hey cn yu ovum pck E up Im drunk

Elluka: Oh you dnt ave to anymre Im hme nw

Kiril: I'm aware of that, since I’m the one who dropped you off at home.

The Senate when choosing the 8th Project ‘Ma’ candidates: Our expectations had been low, but we guess they were always meant to go lower.

Seth while in Grim the End: Hey Adam, do you have any hobbies?

Adam: Swimming…

Seth: Really? I expected more nerd hobbies—

Adam: In a pool of self-hatred and regret.

Adam after watching a sad movie: Yeah, I find it quite emotional. In like a cool way.

Eve: Did you just say it makes you cry in a cool way?

Adam: *emotionally-stunted* No, I said it made me emotional. That’s not crying.

Eve: *so done* That popcorn bowl is literally a pool for your tears.

Adam: I love sarcasm! I always want to punch the people in the Senate, but I can’t because I need my status for my revenge plan. With sarcasm, I can punch them in the face, but with words!

Seth: People always shoot down my ideas, and I’m sick of it. Two sentences in and everyone’s always shouting, “Holy Levia! That’s illegal!” and “You can’t do that!”. Like, c'mon, let me talk!

Adam: I feel like everyone in this city is suspicious, Gammon. Except you!

Gammon: *deadpan* I think you're suspicious.

Adam: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I thought you were my partner in crime!

Seth: “What are you into?” is such a broad question, like do I reply with a book series, or experimentation and scientific malpractice?

(As children)

Hansel: WHY DID YOU KILL HIM?! HE COULD HAVE HAD HOPES AND DREAMS, HE COULD HAVE HAD A FAMILY!!!

Gretel: Hansel—

Gretel: I-It was just an ant—

Hansel: Dad, we're hungry!

Gretel: Dad! What's for dinner?

Eve: *playing along with the twins* We're hungry, Adam!

Adam, frying apples over the stove: *screams*

Seth: Did you take out Adam as I requested?

Eve: Adam has been taken out, yes.

Seth: You have my grat—

Eve: It was a great restaurant.

Eve: We had a romantic candlelit dinner.

Eve: Adam proposed afterwards—we’re filing the wedding papers.

Eve: Everyone thinks I'm this soft cute person but I'm not!

Adam: Eve darling, you cried for an hour after stepping on a bug yesterday.

Eve: It had feelings! It was probably going home to dinner and I killed it!

Seth: ...It was a bug.

Eve: It was a BEETLE. What if it was a forest spirit and the others are worried sick, wondering where it is. What if they’re mad at me because I killed one of their own? I really don't get why you all think I'm so sentimental, because I'm not!

Adam: ...

Seth: ...

Eve: Stop looking at me like that!

Gammon: So I have made the decision to trust you.

Adam: A horrible decision, really.

Eve: Well please don’t let Adam do anything stupid…

Gammon: Stupid by my standards or yours?

Eve:

Eve: Stupid by my father’s standards.

Gammon: Smart. Adam will live longer.

Adam: Everyone knows that Santa Claus is an invention designed by the Senate to sell tinsel and toys to an unsuspecting public to increase the country’s revenue.

Eve: The whole ‘childhood wonder’ stage just blew right past you, didn’t it?

Adam: What do you expect? I never had a childhood!

Adam: You're alive.

Seth: There's no need to sound so disappointed.

Seth: Please don't let your frustration with me affect your judgement.

Eve: He's going to let his frustration with you affect his judgement.

Adam: I’m going to let my frustration with you affect my judgement.

Gammon: Self-care is suppressing all your trauma until it comes back and hits you in the face with the force of 7 very large trucks.

Gammon Loop Octopus: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room.

Adam: Screw that, I’m not kissing any of you.

Eve: *walks in*

Adam: Fine, I’ll do it. Rules are rules, you know.

Adam: Come on, Gammon. Nobody actually believes that Eve is in love with me.

Gammon: *to OSS Crime Ensemble* Raise your hand if you think that Eve is actually in love with Adam.

Everyone: *raises their hand*

Adam: Eve, put your hand down.

Gammon: You know, there’s something weird going on with your face?

Adam: What?

Gammon: You’re smiling! I didn’t know you could do that?

Maria: Yeah, I’m a false prophet, but you believed me, so whose fault is it really that we’re in this mess?

Miroku: …

Elluka Chirclatia: *wakes up in the hospital* W-What happened?

Milky: You were badly hurt, but the doctors stitched you up.

Ly: What do you remember?

Elluka: Just the ambulance ride.

Milky: *frowns* We didn’t take an ambulance, Ly drove us.

Elluka: But…I think I heard a siren.

Irina: *rolls her eyes* That was Kiril.

Kiril: *sheepishly* Sorry, I got nervous.

Gammon: You have an impressive pain tolerance.

Adam: Thanks, it's the childhood trauma.

Irina: Hey, do you know anyone who can teach me to play the trumpet?

Kiril: Why?

Irina: I want to wander around playing it to annoy Elluka.

Kiril: Do you actually need to know how to play it well for that?

Irina: *gasps* Kiril, you have opened my eyes.

Kiril: Where did Irina go?

Elluka: She got arrested.

Kiril: How the hell—

Irina: *bursts in through the window* The cops are after me, I thought it would be fun to make my own fire bombs and lob them at people.

Kiril: I bet you’re wondering why I gathered you here today. It’s because we need to have a discussion about how some people in this room aren’t getting along with other people in this room.

Elluka: Why did you say that so vaguely? Irina and I are literally the only people in the room.

Hansel: I'm gonna need a human skull and I can't have you ask any questions why.

Gretel: Only if you also don't ask me why.

Gretel: *Pulls out 7 pristine human skulls* Take your pick.

Hansel:

Kiril: Irina isn’t the problem this year.

Elluka: When are you gonna get it? Irina is ALWAYS the problem.

Irina: All in all, this was a 99.9% successful trip.

Kiril: But we lost Elluka.

Irina: All in all, a 100% successful trip!

Levia: Hurry up, darling! Put Ellu—I mean my body in the ark before anyone sees!

Behemo: Yeah, darling! Jam it in there! Push it in! Push it in! Shove it right up in there! YEAH DRIVE IT IN THERE!

Levia: BEHEMO DO THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE A FAVOUR AND SHUT UP!

Levia: Stop ruining everything! Do you NOT want new bodies?

Kiril: Why are there two Ellukas talking to me???

Chapter Text

Julia, at Lemy’s funeral: I need a moment with him.

Everyone else at the funeral: *leaves*

Julia, leaning over Lemy’s coffin: You’re not dead, Lemy. You can drop the act.

Lemy, sitting up in the coffin: *rises like a zombie* Mom, why do I want to eat cats?

Julia: The real secret to immortality? Not dying. You want to be immortal? Okay, that’s easy. Just don’t die. That’s it. Refuse to die. There you go.

Mayrana: But how—

Julia, ignoring her: “But how”, you may ask. Well, easy. Just don’t do it. Refuse to. Say “No thanks”.

Gretel/Ney during the Duel of Merrigod Plateau: Lemy, what is the ONE thing I asked you to do tonight?

Lemy: Raise the dead.

Gretel: And what did you do?

Lemy: Fail to raise the dead and died again.

Mayrana: Don’t stay up all night, Kaspar. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, Margarita tried feeding you the Gift she was experimenting with.

Lemy: Do you think there are any good vendors for professional-quality grenade bombs?

Rin: I love you, and I know you’re serious, but you say the scariest things sometimes.

Margarita to Pere Noel: Remember, when burying a body, make sure to cover it with endangered plants so it’s illegal to dig up! Therefore, no one will find the people you murdered!

Margarita: Make sure to follow me for more gardening tips!

Mayrana: Why are you drinking, Kaspar?

Kaspar: *lying through his teeth* I don’t drink anymore, so don’t start with that.

Mayrana: Sure sure. I’m gonna look around your house for 5 minutes and we’ll see how many bottles I find.

(5 minutes later…)

Mayrana: *dumps a pile of alcohol bottles on the floor* So you were saying?

Mayrana (who’s kinda lesbian-coded): The only straight I am is a straight-up badass.

Margarita: Happy May 39th! Gift Day!

Kaspar: That doesn't exist.

Margarita: Not with that attitude.

Rin: I called you like ten times! Why didn’t you pick up?

Lemy: *remembers dancing to the ringtone*

Lemy: I didn’t hear it.

Margarita: So I got this amazing plan!

Mayrana: We fail almost every time you say that.

Margarita: Well, this is the same! But with Gift involved.

Mayrana: *traumatic flashbacks of all Toragay dying from airborne Gift* NO!

Lemy: If you think I’m playing favourites, you’re wrong. I love all of you equally!

Lemy, earlier: I don’t care for Kaspar. Sometimes, I wanna poke him with a knife for how he treats Margarita.

(During the Duel of Merrigod Plateau)

Gumillia, to Lemy: How the hell are you still alive?

Lemy, freshly resurrected: Honestly, I’m just as confused as you are.

Gretel/Ney from inside the Glass: Because of me, b****!

Mayrana: I failed my safety training course today.

Julia: Why, what happened?

Mayrana: Well, one of the questions was ‘In case of a fire, what steps would you take?’

Julia: And?

Mayrana: Well apparently ‘F***ING LARGE ONES’ isn't an acceptable answer.

(Playing Chess)

Julia: *easily beats everyone because she knows how to play*

Mayrana: *doesn’t know the rules, but wins anyway*

Margarita: *doesn’t know the rules, and loses*

Kaidor: *knows the rules, but still loses to those who don’t*

Kaspar: Actually, you can’t do that, because I said so.

Lemy: They named a board game after cheese?

Rin Chan: You're ignoring all your problems.

Lemy: I know.

Rin Chan: You also know it's an unhealthy coping mechanism?

Lemy: I'm ignoring that fact as well.

Rin Chan:

Julia: A mouse!

Mayrana, pulling out a knife: Go back to where you came from or I'll stab you.

Ney, calling from the Glass: It'll make a nice meal!

Margarita, about to give the mouse Gift: Do you want to sleep, little mouse?

Lemy, gasping: No! He needs to stay awake! He’s my pet now.

Julia: ...I was going to say to just trap it and throw it out the window... but hey, we’re a criminal organisation, what’s normal here?

(In Levia’s inner psychological world)

Levia: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.

Irina: This knife is actually a magic wand.

Irina: We’re gonna have a wizard’s duel, right here, right now.

Behemo: *cocks gun* Magic missile.

Gumillia: What’s wrong with you people.

Gretel/Ney: Do you ever think, Lemy? With your actions, sometimes I actually think you lack any sort of brain cells.

Lemy: Hey, Rin! Did you know you’re my BFFLWYLION?

Rin Chan: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Lemy: Best Friend For Life Whether You Like It Or Not.

Rin Chan:

Rin Chan: That’s one way to say it, I guess.

 (At the Père Noël hideout)

Julia: What’s Margarita doing?

Margarita: *staring intensely at the back of Kaspar’s head*

Lemy: Miss Margarita? What are you doing?

Margarita: I’m imagining Kaspar’s head being separated from his body. Preferably by a guillotine or something. It’s cathartic.

Mayrana: Uhhh okay. Is it working?

Margarita: No, it’s not. I need my Gift. *leaves*

Père Noël members: *panicking at the possibility of Margarita bringing out the airborne Gift*

Julia: Lemy just insisted Mayrana and I remember a code word in case we're ever confronted by his evil clone or someone with his face by using the Venom Sword, and we're not sure which is the real him and which is the imposter.

Julia: *proudly* Some families have a fire escape plan, but not us.

(What Behemo actually did while checking the Akashic Recorder upon returning to the Heavenly Yard)

Behemo: *grabs Sickle’s Black Box that contained Allen*

Behemo: Hmm, I wonder what’s inside this box?

Behemo: *begins shaking it violently*

Behemo: Hmm…nothing suspicious. Maybe I should open it instead!

Behemo: *opens it*

Behemo: *dumps Allen out like a cat*

Allen: *Crying* Please. Stop.

Behemo: Oh, I didn’t know you were inside, let me help you escape!

Rin Chan: Violence isn't the answer.

Lemy: You're right.

Rin Chan: *sighs in relief*

Lemy: Violence is the question.

Rin Chan: What?

Lemy: *bolts away* And the answer is yes.

Rin Chan: *runs after him* NO—

Ton Corpa: The best way to raise efficient, talented children is…

Ton: To kill them once they outlive their usefulness.

Margarita: 8 hours of sleep? What’s that? A delicacy?

Lemy: I got an idea!

Rin: Does it involve breaking the law?

Lemy: Don’t you think that’s a must by now?

Rin: I was just trying to be optimistic.

Lemy: Honestly, don’t bother.

Lemy: *on how he rescued Rin from Ton Corpa* Well you see, the explanation is perfectly simple and scientific. It was because shut up. Shut up is why.

Lemy: Mom, what are the hardest things to say?

Julia: I was wrong.

Ney: I need help.

Banica, in the Glass: Muraramurajakotasupopopo.

Margarita: I can’t tell if Kaspar is cursed with insomnia or just believes he doesn’t require sleep.

Mayrana: Well, on a good day, he’s likely both.

Margarita: You’re right. I should give him a sleeping aid. *proceeds to kill him and his mistress*

Julia: I’m the smartest person in Pere Noel.

Gatt: The other members are Kaspar, Lemy, Mayrana, and Margarita.

Gatt: ‘Tis not as high a compliment as thee think.

Julia: *utterly offended* …Do you wish to become cinders?!

Gatt: *realising what he’s f***ed* Please forgive me, First Santa Clau—

Margarita: I’m tired of just deserving better. I’m going to take it with Gift. *poisons everyone then herself*

Chapter Text

Levia: Alright, I'm heading out. Michaela, you're in charge.

Michaela: Yesssssss!

Levia: *whispering* Gumillia, you're actually in charge.

Gumillia: *smugly* Obviously.

Behemo: What about me?

Levia: What ABOUT you?

Levia: Okay, can we all stop saying stupid stuff for a moment, please?!

Behemo: Hey, I—

Levia: SHUT UP!

Behemo: I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY SENTENCE!!

Levia: It was bound to be stupid.

Michaela: What's the most efficient way to burn calories?

Behemo: Exercise more!

Levia: Set yourself on fire.

Gumillia: There are two kinds of people.

Seth: Maybe the real monster was the friends we both literally and figuratively murdered along the way.

Levia: What are you drinking?

Seth: Vodka.

Levia: Straight?

Seth: No, gay. Why?

Levia: I know what you're up to.

Behemo: Really? Because I barely know.

Luna: *steps into the main room of Climb One* Hello, I just came to—

Catherine: *chasing Rahab with a knife* Get back here, you b****!

Lich: *chasing Catherine with Seth on his face*

Levia: *recording*

Luna: *retreating* Something suddenly came up.

Behemo: We have to plan; we have to figure something out.

Levia: Behemo, when have any of our plans ever actually worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose.

Levia: If there’s one thing I learned from Behemo, it’s to set people’s expectations real low, so you end up surprising them by practically doing nothing at all.

Levia: Behemo! For the love of god, please turn down that music. I have a hangover.

Behemo: *blasting the mii theme at full volume* That sounds like a you problem, not a mii problem.

Gumillia: *recording* Contrary to popular belief, Miss Levia is quite polite and kind towards those she likes.

*camera pans to where Levia is smacking Behemo on the head with a thick hardcover book*

Levia: TWILIGHT IS NOT LITERATURE!

Gumillia: Sadly, I guess Behemo isn’t one of those people.

Michaela: *terrified out of her wits*

Levia: *falls down the stairs*

Michaela: Are you okay?

Gumillia: Stop falling down the stairs!

Behemo: How’d the ground taste?

Policeman: You’re under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle.

Levia, with Gumillia and Michaela behind her: Wait, what do you mean THREE?!

Policeman: Yes…three.

Levia: Oh, my god—What the f***!?

Policeman: Wha—

Levia: Behemo f***ing FELL OFF!

Marie: What’s wrong? You look 10 seconds away from ripping someone’s throat out.

Rahab: F***ing Levia and Behemo were trying to invoke a demon again last night. I didn't get an ounce of sleep, thanks to their bloody chanting.

Behemo: *sees Gumillia and Michaela together*

Behemo: They're cute. I would put them on a boat.

Levia: You mean... you ship them?

Levia: *screams*

Behemo: *screams back to establish dominance*

Michaela: *concerned* Should we do something?

Gumillia: No. I want to see who wins.

Levia: *unholy demonic screeching*

Behemo: *proud brother*

Seth: *covering his ears* Just. Shut. Up.

Behemo: My gender is in a constant state of flux.

Barisol Maid: I can’t believe you want to cross-dress as a woman! That’s disgusting!

Behemo: …

(10 minutes later)

Totally ‘dolls’: *limbs scattered around the room*

Lich, boarding the Climb One: Maybe things aren’t so bad. I’m alive. I got my colleagues, friends and brother with me. I’m alone with my thoughts right now.

Seth: Hey, Lich! Just to give you a heads up, I’m gonna take over your body to kill the other passengers!

Lich: Well, it was nice while it laste— *gets possessed*

Catherine: *about Gilles’ affairs with other women* You know what I’ve realized?

Gilles: *catching on quickly* Some thoughts are better left unsaid?

Catherine: Nice try, anyways—

Lich: It’s a matter of great biological significance. Did you bring Behemo?

Eater, gesturing to Catherine: I brought the next best person.

Lich: Catherine? The next best thing would be Held.

Catherine: I would be offended, but Held is freakishly knowledgeable in biology despite his prominence in other fields.

Levia: ARE YOU—

Behemo: F***ing.

Levia: KIDDING ME?! YOU—

Behemo: F***ing.

Levia: IDIOT!

Michaela: …What was that?

Behemo: Held banned Levia from swearing while at work, so I’m helping her out.

(After Seth and Lich killed 62 Climb One Passengers)

Behemo, briefing everyone on the current situation: Look, I’m glad everyone’s on the same page.

Behemo: Even if it’s the last page in a book titled ‘We’re all going to die’.

Levia: *smacks Behemo on the head* That’s not even clever. Use your brain to crack better jokes.

Levia, 100% of the time, 24/7: Like, no offence to myself and all, but what the f*** am I actually doing?

(Bonding session at Held’s research institute/clinic)

Held: No intrusive questions please.

Catherine, to Levia: How did you feel when Rahab chose a man over you for every second of your non-existent childhood?

Held: I said no—

Levia: How did you feel when Gilles takes multiple lovers—some of them people you know *side-eyes Rahab*—despite being your husband?

Rahab and Gilles: …

Seth: Why did you guys dress up as each other for Halloween?

Behemo: Levia is the scariest thing I could think of!

Levia: Behemo told me I should pick the dumbest costume possible.

Rahab: *completely unable to tell who is who*

Gumillia: It’s funny how well you and Levia get along. Didn’t she hate you because of your excessive cheerfulness at first?

Michaela: Levia hates everybody at first. It’s their way of reaching out to people.

Michaela: Look at her with Behemo. You think she hates him but she’ll pound you into the ground if you badmouth him.

Behemo: This was almost a great idea.

Levia, tired with his bulls***: You just described 90% of our stuff.

Seth: I totally feel awful about causing you to kill yourself.

Lich:

Seth: Even though technically you were brought back as a spirit, so I don’t know what you’re b****ing about.

Gumillia: Levia got into a fight again.

Michaela: That’s bad.

Michaela:

Michaela: Did she win?

Levia, about talking to Seth about her Malice problem: I see the red flags, I acknowledge that they're there, and then I completely ignore them.

MAYU/Unknown Patient: *in the hospital* Will you visit me when I get out, Miss Levia?

Levia: No thank you, I hate graveyards.

Levia and Behemo in the Ark Sin: We have been tricked, we have been backstabbed, and we have quite possibly been bamboozled.

Chapter Text

Kayo: *after having a Purple Dream* Inukichi, keep an eye on Kokutan today. He’s going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.

Inukichi: Sure, I'd love to see Kokutan get punched.

Kayo: *raises an eyebrow* Try again.

Inukichi: *sighs* I will stop Kokutan from getting punched.

Kayo: The next time I open up and tell people my true intentions, it'll be my autopsy.

Mei: Where is Kai?

Kiji: I'll do you one better, who is Kai??

Kayo: Here's a better question: why is Kai?

Kokutan, after remembering he’s Allen: Why am I that person who has no idea what's going on? I think I know enough, but I know nothing.

Kayo: You read my diary?

Bufuko: In my defence, I was cleaning your room. I had no idea it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

All Envy Arc characters: What is wrong with you?

Kai: Loaded question. Elaborate.

Rin: If you get in trouble with Dad about your boyfriend, I'm gonna be like… a lawyer to you. Okay?

Miku: Thanks, sis.

*later*

Kai: I know you’ve been sneaking out, young lady. Sit down on the chair, you're in trouble.

Rin, whispering: Deny everything.

Miku: That isn't a chair.

Kayo: You know what your problem is?

Gakusha: I only have one?

Kayo: This is a safety pin.

Kayo: *cuts off end*

Kayo: It is now a danger pin.

Kayo: And also a murder pin.

Kiji: My girlfriend and I don't argue. Miku tells me to shut up and I do.

Kayo: Sometimes I wonder if I’m hearing voices.

Kayo: Then I remember it’s either my Purple Dreams haunting me when I’m awake, or it’s the last bit of sanity I have.

Inukichi: Kokutan said I was his second favourite person, and I was bummed, but then he said Saruteito is third. He has no favourite person. He’s holding the position open for the person he’s been waiting for.

Kokutan, after hearing Kayo’s true motives: I am truly questioning Kayo’s sanity...

Kiji: *smug* I never questioned it, I knew her sanity was missing from the start.

Kokutan: …You didn’t know s***.

Mei: *seeing Kiji and Miku together* Is anyone going to tell me what's going on in here?!

Miku: It's kind of complicated, but Kiji—

Mei: *understanding immediately* Got it. Forget I asked.

Kokutan and Inukichi: *planning to break in somewhere*

Kokutan: We need to distract the guards. What are we gonna do?

Inukichi: I'm gonna break their kneecaps while you poke their eyes.

Kokutan:

Inukichi:

Kokutan: Deal.

Gakusha: I thought I told you to stop reading my letters.

Kayo: Well, I thought I told you to stop keeping secrets!

Inukichi: I know where you live.

Kokutan: Where?

Inukichi: In a house.

Miku: *regarding Kai finding out about her relationship with Kiji* This is horrible! This is the most humiliating thing that has ever happened to me!

Rin: Oh? Even more humiliating than—

Miku: We are not doing this!

Saruteito: When I first met you, I thought you were weird and annoying.

Inukichi: And?

Saruteito: And you are.

Kokutan: *after finding out about Rahab’s lies* I'm naturally funny because my life is a joke.

Miku: Why is it so hard for you to believe me?!

Kai:

Miku: Oh, right. The sneaking around.

Kai: I sense hostility from you, Kayo-san.

Kayo: Good. I hate you with every fibre of my being. *stabs him multiple times with her scissors*

(The Miroku Family Reunited after Death)

Kai: *explaining why he caused the Great Fire of Enbizaka* Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?

Mei: *crouches down*

Rin: *kneels down*

Miku: *sits on the floor*

Kai:

Rin: Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism.

Miku: How so?

Rin: It keeps you from screwing up for 8 hours.

Kokutan: Silence is golden.

Kiji: Duct tape is silver.

Kai: Relationships with foreigners should be illegal! They should be punished with death!

Miku, dating Kiji: Father, are you saying I should die?

Kai: WHAT?!

Kayo, about the Fire: Kai, you ruined everything!

Kai: You’re welcome.

Kayo: My mother used to repeat this quote often. “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."

Kayo: …

Kayo: What a stupid quote.

Kayo: I'm killing way more than two people, idiot.

Kai, knocking on Miku’s door: Miku, explain yourself!

Miku: It all started when I met him after the Great Fire...

Kai: That’s not what I—

Rin: Let her finish!

Kai: …Thou shalt not marry each other, for thy relationship is sinful…

Kiji: I just want to marry Miku!

Kokutan: Kayo-san, Miroku Rin and Kai went missing recently. Do you know any information about it?

Kayo: *acting clueless, having already killed Rin* Who are those people? I’ve never met them in my life.

Mei: When Kai was born, the gods said, "He’s too perfect for this world."

Kayo: Oh please. When he was born, the devil said, "Oh, competition."

Kiji: *upon meeting Miku* Random question, what are your favourite flowers?

Miku: Cherry blossoms, why?

Kiji:

Miku: Were you going to get me flowers?

Kiji:

Miku:

Kiji: It’s a possibility…

Bufuko: You’re so funny!

Inukichi: Thanks; I’m desperate for people to like me.

Kayo: Sorry it took so long to bail you out of jail.

Gakusha: No, it was my fault. I shouldn't have gotten drunk and pranked Constable Uibee by pulling off his pants.

Kokutan: I don’t go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me first.

Rin: Life could be worse, Miku.

Miku: Life could be a lot better too!

Kayo: *mad* Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Gakusha: *sighs* That’s true…

Gakusha: But two negatives make a positive!!!

Kai to the Freezis Foundation/Yarera-Zusco Firm: And if you have any suggestions, please put them in the suggestion box.

Perrié/Kiji: That’s a trash can.

Gakusha: I am a responsible adult!

Kagura (Rahab): *raises brow*

Gakusha: I am an adult.

Kayo at her trial: I’m a lunatic! I have the psychiatric report to prove it! I’m completely insane!

Kayo: You know, I always wanted to be somebody.

Rahab: You probably should have been more specific.

Kai: You tricked me!

Kayo: I deceived you. ‘Trick’ makes it sound like we have a friendly relationship.

Kayo: If the Gods have ever been mad at anything I’ve ever done, they haven’t done s*** about it.

Kayo: So they either don’t care or they’re cowards.

Kai, before causing the Great Fire of Enbizaka: God has let me live another day, and I'm going to make it everyone's problem.

Chapter Text

Gear: *depressed* I feel like the world would be better if I'd never been born.

Gammon: Aw… that's not true. It'd be exactly the same.

Gammon: You're not that important.

Gear: *Adam flashbacks* You’d be surprised.

Court: Everyone, synchronise your watches.

Pollo: I don't know how to do that.

Gammon: I don't wear a watch.

Gear: Time is a construct, and death isn’t real.

Court: *worried* I hope everyone has calmed down by now…

Meanwhile…

Arte: *screaming bloody murder*

Pollo: *running around brandishing a knife, trying to kill Gear*

Banica: *inching closer to Gammon* Finally… I can eat you and see what a Jakokuese person tastes like…

Gammon: *climbing Gear like a tree*

Gear: *unamused while daydreaming of Eve*

Postman: *doing her best impression of a mindless puppet next to Ma*

Ma: I’m surrounded by idiots.

Arte: I am exactly 5 feet tall and I can bite off your hand if you try to pat my head.

Court: I am less than 3 feet tall and if you intrude on my father’s theatre I will sentence you to death and watch the Servants tear you after for dinner!

Gammon, the tallest person in the theatre: The shortest ones, they’re always the most vicious.

Court: You’re smiling. Why are you smiling?

Waiter: What? Can’t I just be happy?

Gear: Ma tripped over a gravestone and fell face-first into a pile of human organs.

Gammon: Wow, great work on the Halloween decorations. Where did you get the fake skeletons?

Arte, Pollo and Lilith: Fake?

Pollo and Lilith: *playing video games*

Arte: You guys woke up at 5:30 in the morning just to play games?

Pollo and Lilith *silence*

Arte, figuring it out: …You two never went to sleep, did you?

Pollo and Lilith: *shamefully* Yeah…

Arte: Cannonball! *plops on top of them* I wanna play too.

Gammon: *unfortunately babysitting* What do you want to do today?

Arte: Murder!

Gammon: Definitely not. Something else.

Pollo: VIOLENCE!

Gammon: That’s the same thing.

Pollo: Nope, murder always ends in death.

Arte: But violence has ✨endless possibilities✨

Gammon: Here you go, Waiter, a nice hot cup of coffee!

Waiter: *raises eyebrow* It's cold.

Gammon: A nice cup of coffee.

Waiter: It's horrible!

Gammon: Cup of coffee.

Waiter: I'm not sure if this even IS coffee.

Gammon: *almost hysterical* C U P.

Arte: I'm not funny, I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.

Irina: *putting organs from intruders in the shoes of every inhabitant at the theatre* This will be so funny.

Later…

Gammon: *screams like a teenage girl* HOLY LEVIA!!!

Ma: *ominously* Whoever did this, you better watch your back. I’m coming for you.

Pollo: *sounds of breaking objects* WHAT THE F**K!

Arte: I’M GONNA KILL WHOEVER DID THIS, COOK THEM AND SERVE THEM TO LADY CONCHITA!

Banica: *too busy eating the organs to talk*

Gear: *sighs* Why is this happening to me… *depressed noises*

Waiter: WHEN I FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE, I’LL MAKE YOU DO ALL MY CHORES FOR 2 MONTHS!

(In a closet somewhere inside the Theatre)

Irina: *Giggles cutely*

Arte: Hold on! I’m having one of those things… a headache with pictures.

Lilith: What the f***?

Pollo: She’s having an idea.

Lilith: Is this a good idea?

Lilith: Probably not.

Lilith: Do I care?

Lilith: No.

Gammon: Can you keep a secret?

Gear: Do you know anything about my life?

Gammon: No, I don't. Good point.

Court: Gammon, gather the others. We need to have another the-Servants-are-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-them-before-the-theatre-explodes convention.

Court: *watching Gammon attempt to survive in a theatre of non-human beings* This is getting embarrassing.

Gear: Getting? We’re already there.

Gear: Hello.

Pollo: Hihiiiiii!

Court: Greetings, Humans.

Waiter: There are three kinds of people.

Arte: WHAT'S UP F***ERS?

Waiter: Four kinds of people.

Banica: I want pudding.

Waiter: There are four kinds of people, and then there’s Banica Conchita.

Gammon: I'm not doing too well.

Gear: What's wrong?

Gammon: I have this headache that comes and goes.

*Waiter enters the room*

Gammon: There it is again.

Ma: Hey, thanks for checking in, I’m ✨still a piece of garbage✨

Court: If there’s one thing I learned from the other Theatre inhabitants, it’s to set people’s expectations real low, so you end up surprising them by practically doing nothing at all.

Court: I would know. They disappoint me all the time.

Waiter: Chores are calling, Gammon!

Gammon: Well, can you tell chores to lose my number and shut the f*** up?

Lilith: I’m sad.

Pollo: Don’t be sad, because sad backwards is das.

Pollo: And das not good.

Gear: I’m sad.

Pollo: You’re always sad. Deal with it.

Court: I do two things and two things only. I judge and execute intruders for their sins to bring about Father’s Utopia, and eat popcorn in the gallery while watching chaos erupt daily.

Waiter: Why are you talking to yourself?

Gammon: It’s called a soliloquy, b****.

Gammon: Quitting! It's like trying, but easier.

Court: There are three ways to handle a difficult situation. The right way, the wrong way, and the Servants’ way.

Gear: Isn't that the wrong way?

Court: Yes, but it's faster.

Gammon: *about chores* Okay, help me, please!

Waiter: Got two words for you.

Gammon: I bet they won't be helpful.

Waiter: Your problem.

Gammon: …I was right.

Gear: It’s not that I don’t trust the Servants, I just… don’t trust their self-control when it comes to not killing me for what I did as their ‘father’.

Arte: Okay, if we can't do it by sheer violence, we'll do it my way.

Court: But your way is sheer force!

Lilith: I’m not being weird. Am I being weird?

Arte: Yes, and that’s coming from me.

Waiter: So, are you two friends?

Gammon: Yes.

Gear: No.

Gammon: How are you so chill?!

Gear: I’ve passed beyond ‘stressed’, beyond ‘hysteria’, beyond emotions, into the grey misty indifference of complete shutdown of all but emergency services in my brain.

Waiter: I see Eve at the bottom of the tower.

Gear: *screams and runs down the stairs*

Court: …Why are you on fire?

Banica: *completely chill* This is just how my day is going.

Waiter: Does anyone know how to make someone less uptight? Asking for my assistant.

Gear: *depressed* Punch me in the face.

Gammon: …Punch you?

Gear: Yes, punch me, didn’t you hear me?

Gammon: I always hear ‘punch me in the face’ while you’re speaking, but it’s usually just subtext.

Chapter Text

Banica: *walking outside* Get the F out my yard!

Arte and Pollo: *running away with a giant letter F made out of human body parts*

Pollo: That's a crazy idea. Insane. It doesn't make sense.

Arte: You'll do it?

Pollo: Of course.

Banica: Okay, but what if we go to dinner, but not as friends this time?

Carlos: AS ENEMIES?!

Banica:

Pollo: If you don't stop talking, I'm going to jump out of that window.

Arte: We're on the ground floor, idiot.

Pollo: I know, but I want a dramatic exit.

Carlos: Why are you so angry all the time?!

Arte: Of course I have a lot of pent-up rage, you fool! I've been the same height since I was fourteen!

Pollo: I promised Lady Banica we wouldn't do anything stupid while she was away.

Arte: Why did you lie to her like that?

Carlos: Are you coming to bed?

Banica: I can't. This is important.

Carlos: What?

Banica: There’s something immensely wrong with this cookbook. I have to fix every recipe before I sleep.

Pollo: Live, laugh, love!

Arte: Die, cry, hate.

Carlos: What is it called when you kill a friend?

Ron: Homicide.

Banica: Murder.

Pollo: Homiecide.

Arte: Be careful, Lady Banica. It's really muggy out today!

Banica: If I go outside and all our mugs are on the front lawn, I might actually eat you.

Arte: *sips coffee from a bowl*

Carlos: Sorry, I’m late, I had stuff to do.

Banica: *showing up behind him* Hi, I’m ‘stuff’.

Carlos: Oh my Levia! Banica! No!

Platonic: *doubling over in laughter* Carlos, your girlfriend is hilarious.

Arte: You seem familiar... have I threatened you before?

Carlos: I didn't drink that much last night.

Ron: *completely done* You were flirting with Lady Banica.

Carlos: So? She’s my fiancée.

Ron: You asked her if she were single.

Ron: And then you cried when she said she wasn’t.

Platonic to AB-CIR: No problemo! I’ll retrieve the wine glass for you!

Platonic after her brief fight with Banica and losing the glass: Crap, turns out it was all problemo.

(After discussing a plan)

Arte: Does anyone have any questions?

Ron: Is this legal?

Pollo: Does anyone have any relevant questions?

Pollo: You know, I really wish you’d just admit you made a mistake sometimes.

Arte, stirring her coffee: I prefer it with salt.

Banica: I only drink the blood of my enemies.

Banica: And occasionally red wine.

Arte: Jellyfish have survived for 600,000 years without brains…

Pollo: A ray of hope for me!

Carlos: What if we were in a haunted house?

Banica: What’s wrong with the one we live in?

Carlos: Wh-what?

Banica: Goodnight, darling!

Arte: I don't dab. I stab.

Platonic: I just learned a way to get stuff on the cheap. Steal it!

*About Banica*

Arte: She is beauty.

Pollo: She is grace.

Platonic, coming in through the window: SHE CAN DESTROY THE HUMAN RACE!

Ron: Where are you going?

Banica: To get ice cream or commit a felony, I’ll decide on the way there.

Banica: My love, I have some good news and some bad news.

Carlos: What's the bad news?

Banica: I'm no longer going to be your fiancée.

Carlos: *on the verge of sobbing* W-What's the g-good news...?

Banica: I'm going to be your wife!

Arte: What's this?

Pollo, hugging Arte: Affection!

Arte: Disgusting.

Arte: ...Do it again.

Banica: Don't invite me to your wedding. I will look better than you, and it will be embarrassing for us both.

Carlos: The stars are so beautiful...

Banica: They're just giant balls of gas.

Carlos: You know what, if you're just going to ruin this, then—

Banica: And yet none of them are as huge as my love for you.

Carlos: Oh... I love you too.

Banica: My boyfriend is too tall for me to kiss him. What do I do?

Arte: Punch him in the stomach. Then, when he doubles over in pain, you kiss him.

Pollo: Tackle him.

Ron: Dump him.

Platonic: Kick him in the shin!

Carlos: NO TO ALL OF THOSE! JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN!

Banica: Pollo, Arte... why is the floor covered in drawings of pentagrams and demons?

Pollo and Arte: You told us to satanize the house before you returned.

Banica:

Banica: I wrote sanitise.

Carlos: Did Arte and Pollo do something stupid?

Banica: I think we both know the answer to that.

Banica: I trust Arte and Pollo.

Ron: *in disbelief* You think they know what they're doing?

Banica: I wouldn't go that far.

Ron, teaching Arte to drive: Okay, you're driving and Carlos and Banica walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit?

Arte: Oh, definitely Carlos. I would never hurt Lady Banica.

Ron, massaging his temples: The brakes. You hit the brakes.

Pollo: I need bone juice!

Carlos: Could you please just call it milk?!

(After Pollo messes up Banica’s meal for the infinite time)

Arte: Ughhh, God, give me patience.

Pollo: I think you mean ‘give me strength’.

Arte: If God gave me strength, I would’ve killed you already.

Arte: Here’s a fun December idea. We hang mistletoe above every doorway, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it!

Carlos: Arte, no.

Banica: Mistlefoe

Carlos: *resigned* Dear, please stop encouraging her.

Arte: *sticks her tongue out at Carlos*

Carlos: You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to solve this.

Arte: I agree. Except replace the word ‘non’ with ‘extremely’ and after the word ‘violent’, include the phrase ‘blood explosion extraordinaire’.

Ron: Later generations will never know if Lady Conchita ate Josef Crim, aka Carlos Marlon, cooked his corpse and served them to her undead army or made him her servant, but either way, he became a part of the Graveyard Gang.

*Banica sneezes*

Arte: My lady, are you sick? Do I need to make you your favourite spiders and insects soup? Or find you some humans to devour?

*Carlos sneezes*

Arte: Oh my god. Shut the hell up.

Banica: Please? For me?

Carlos: Don't do that.

Banica: What?

Carlos: You think every time you say, "Please? For me?" I'll do whatever you want. Well, not this time.

Banica: Please? For me?

Carlos: Okay.

Arte: If I'm really as evil as you say I am, then have the twin gods LeviaBehemo strike me down where I stand!

*Lightning strikes Arte*

Arte: Ha! Nice try, jacka**! That was pathetic! Next time, give it your A-game!

Chapter Text

Michelle: Be yourself. Say something nice.

Nemesis: Which one? I can't do both.

Nyoze: What do you call sabotage and gun violence?

Nemesis: A hobby.

Nyoze:

Nemesis: ...That we do not engage in.

Nemesis: Goodnight to the love of my life, Nyoze, and the rest which I don’t give a s*** about.

Gallerian: *showing Nemesis a stack of cards* Pick a card, any card.

Nemesis: Fine. *picks a card*

Gallerian: Wait, that's my credit card!

Nemesis: You said any card.

Michelle: You really think someone would do that? Just go on the internet and tell lies?

Gallerian: We don't use bad words in this house.

Nemesis, in the distance: F***!

Bruno: I can't believe you've done this...

Gallerian: I'm sorry, I didn't know—!

Bruno, on the verge of tears: YOU CAN'T JUST BUY ME A GIFT OUT OF NOWHERE NOW I FEEL LIKE A HUGE A**HOLE!

Nemesis: Did you ever kill anyone?

Gallerian: We're getting off topic.

Nemesis: *plays The Muzzle of Nemesis*

Nemesis: Woo. Time to listen to this on loop for all eternity so I can forever feel the satisfaction of killing my not-father.

Gammon: ‘Genius’ coping mechanism.

Seth: I have a plan. We use mankind's greatest weapon.

Nemesis: The fist.

Michelle: Remember when you said you wouldn't interfere with my love life?

Gallerian: No. That doesn't sound like me at all.

Nyoze, clueless: What does BDSM mean?

Nemesis: Being Dead Sounds Magnificent.

Gallerian: Think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm?

Nemesis: If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid.

Michelle: This is such a bad idea.

Nemesis: Then why are you coming along?

Michelle: One of us needs to be able to talk the cops out of arresting us when this inevitably goes wrong.

Bruno: *sees someone doing something stupid*

Bruno: What an idiot.

Bruno: *realises it's Gallerian*

Bruno: Wait, that's MY idiot!

Nemesis: My toxic trait is that I truly believe I could win a fight against anybody if I were mad enough. You might have the strength and size, but I have the pure, unfiltered rage.

Nemesis: Forgive and forget? Haha, no. Resent and remember.

Ma: I hit writer's block.

Bruno: Yes, good. Keep hitting it.

Nemesis: Punch it into submission.

Hel: What if you hit ON writer's block?

Feng Li: Use your seduction to bend it to your will.

Nemesis, shooing Gammon away: Can you go be depressed over there? You’re bumming out my whole area. 

Michelle: Words ending in ‘ie’ are so cute, like ‘sweetie’ and ‘cookie’.

Nemesis: And ‘die’.

Seth: What did I tell you about calling Gallerian a demon of sin?

Nemesis: That it's offensive to the actual demons of sin?

Gallerian: Bruno and I are no longer friends.

Bruno: GALLERIAN THAT IS THE WORST WAY TO TELL PEOPLE THAT WE’RE DATING!

Nemesis, to Gallerian: I'd roast you, but Gammon says you can't burn trash.

Gallerian: Look at me straight in the eyes and tell me the truth, Bruno!

Bruno: You can’t expect me to look into your eyes and be straight.

Gammon: Before we get started, I'd like to ask a few preliminary questions. Standard stuff.

Nemesis: Okay.

Gammon: Let's see...

Gammon: Did you kill my brother?

Michelle: The best revenge is being nice!

Nemesis: *in the distance* Or murder!

Nemesis: Don't jump to conclusions? I'm jumping. I've jumped. I've landed. 

Michelle: I wish you could block people in real life.

Gallerian: Restraining order.

Nemesis: Murder. 

Hel: Time for plan F.

Feng Li: Don't you mean plan B?

Hel: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.

Gallerian: What about plan D?

Bruno: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago that failed dismally.

Shiro: W-What about plan E?

Hel: I'm hoping not to use it unless we’re truly desperate. Gallerian has a 99.9% chance of dying in plan E.

Nemesis: I like plan E.

Everyone: *looks at Nemesis*

Nemesis: *starts whistling*

Michelle: Revenge is a waste of time.

Nemesis: So is watching television and eating candy, but you do it because it feels good.

Nemesis: What am I feeling…? Death, probably.

Gallerian: I have a feeling you're not going to take no for an answer.

Ma: If people got that about me, life would be so much easier.

Shiro: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?

Bruno: Yes, February 14th.

Shiro: I—never mind.

Nemesis: In light of what you did for me, you can hug me for four to five seconds.

Michelle: FORTY-FIVE SECONDS?!?

Nemesis: No! Four to five seconds!

Michelle: Too late!!!

Nemesis: You know something? This is all your fault.

Gallerian: Is that like your catchphrase? ‘When in doubt, blame Gallerian?’

Seth: Taught Nemesis to replace ‘I'm gonna kill myself’ with ‘I'm gonna get revenge by killing my father’ and it was a complete success.

Nemesis: I'm feeling it!

Nemesis: What am I feeling? The urge to stab someone so many times that their corpse becomes unrecognisable.

Nemesis, to Gammon: Details are irrelevant. Bail me out of jail.

Bruno: Everyone is in trouble.

Gallerian: All right. Struggling to give a f***, if I'm honest.

Bruno: That includes Michelle.

Gallerian: *already running* Why didn’t you say so earlier? Let’s go!

Nyoze: Where's Gammon?

Nemesis: Probably off somewhere disappointing his ancestors.

Nemesis: If I had a superpower, I think I would have a 100% accuracy rate in shooting.

Nyoze: What superpower would you have, Gammon?

Gammon: Sarcasm.

Ma: Although the rest of the forest was burned, this theatre alone was untouched.

The broken windows: You were saying?

Hanma: You were happy once, Nemesis.

Nemesis: I was never happy. I was just less ticked off.

Nemesis, holding a gun: If the conspiracies about life being a simulation are true, WHOEVER’S CONTROLLING MY SIM, I JUST WANNA TALK.

Gallerian: What are you going to do?

Nemesis: Hopefully, something dramatic.

Gallerian: Everyone says I’m trash.

Bruno: As someone who's environmentally conscious, it's my duty to pick you up. Does 7 work for you?

Gallerian:

Gallerian: You are very good at pickup lines.

Gallerian: *smiles* And yes, it does.

Nemesis: Am I in Hell already?

Gallerian: No, if you were in Hell, you'd be on a throne and the Devil would be packing his things.

Seth: There's a lot of anger in you.

Nemesis: No s***.

Nemesis as No.8: Master gives orders. I stab people. I think our roles are clear.

Gallerian: I guess we're like oil and water.

Nemesis: I'd say we're more like gasoline and blowtorch.

Chapter Text

Levia, singing: Hush, little laptop, don’t sob and cry.

Levia: I'm going to find you some more Wi-Fi.

Levia: And if that Wi-Fi doesn’t work…

Levia: I will destroy the f***ing Earth.

Levia: My whole life has been a series of what-the-f*** moments.

Gumillia: What's the best way to kill someone?

Michaela: Kindness!

Levia: If we're being stealthy, potassium cyanide. Otherwise, anything from a knife to a bazooka works.

(Someone knocks on the door)

Behemo: You wanna get that?

Levia: *not looking up from her computer* And interact with people? No, thanks.

Gumillia: Why is there blood everywhere?

Levia: I may have aggressively poked someone with a knife.

Michaela: You stabbed someone?!

Levia: No, no. I aggressively poked someone with a knife.

Levia and Behemo: Do you want our advice?

Seth: No.

Held: No. 

Lich: No.

Gumillia: No.

Michaela: No.

Behemo: You know; I've been thinking—

Levia: That would explain the beads of sweat.

Rahab: Levia, what have I told you about staying out past your curfew?

Levia: That I need to do it more often instead of working.

Rahab: Exactly! You need to learn how to have some fun!

Levia: Could you be any more annoying?

Seth: Yes.

Held: Since I will be absent from the clinic for a while, I've left you all a complementary bowl of advice.

Held: *picks one paper out of the bowl* For instance, ‘Levia and Behemo, stop doing that’ just applies to everything.

Levia: Don’t weep for the stupid. You’ll be crying all day.

Levia: Unbelievable. Something you planned actually worked. If this happens a thousand more times, I may have to rethink my whole perception of you.

Behemo: I love it when you almost respect me.

Lich: No. Bad idea.

Seth: There are no bad ideas. Only great ideas that go horribly wrong.

Behemo: Levia! Would you like to get dinner with me some time?

Levia: Your application has been submitted and is pending board approval.

Behemo: Wait, wha—

Levia: DENIED. 

Levia: Hi, I'm Behemo Barisol’s emergency contact.

Hospital Receptionist: You're here to pick him up?

Levia: I'm here to remove myself as his emergency contact.

Marie: We're playing scrabble. It's a nightmare.

Seth: Scrabble? That’s fun!

Michaela: Not when you're playing with Behemo. He puts words like ‘musculoskeletal’ and we put words like 'anxiety', just for s***s and giggles.

Behemo: Point is; we need to try it.

Levia: But that's illegal.

Behemo: ?

Levia: I'm just f***ing with you, I'm in.

Seth: I'm in, too. I heard the word ‘illegal’.

Held: Okay, so right here, it states that you’re creative.

Behemo: Yes.

Held: Alright... may I know what you create?

Behemo: Problems.

Behemo: Levia called me pretty today.

Behemo: Actually the whole thing was, “You're pretty annoying”, but I'm only focusing on the positive part.

Michaela: Is it true you once spent three days in the trunk of a car waiting to scare someone?

Seth: No!

Seth: It was five days. 

Behemo, seeing Levia still working: Let's play Truth or Dare.

Levia, pulling another all-nighter: Uh… sure? Then, Truth.

Behemo: How many hours did you sleep this week?

Levia: …

Levia: Dare.

Behemo: Go to sleep.

Levia: *frowns* I don't like this game.

Held: I keep a picture of all of us in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture.

Climb One Members: Awwww—

Held: And I tell myself ‘If I can deal with these idiots, then I can deal with anything’.

Climb One Members: Oh.

Behemo: I have no fears.

Levia: I'm cooking tonight.

Behemo: I have one fear.

Michaela: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives.

Gumillia: I wake up at 6:00 AM every day to compile documents for Levia.

Michaela: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives.

Rahab: Whenever I’m about to do something, I think ‘Would Levia or Behemo do that?’ and if they would, I don’t do that thing.

Levia, at a coffee shop: Can I get a large latte with um, seven espresso shots.

Seth, in line behind her: God, just do cocaine.

Levia: Who says I don’t do drugs too?

Held: The path to inner peace starts with four words.

Held: *observing the chaotic events of the Third Period* Not my f***ing problem. 

Levia: Wait a minute, how did this happen? We're smarter than this!

Behemo: Apparently, we're not.

Seth: You don’t deserve me.

Lich: At your worst or your best?

Seth: I don’t have a worst.

Lich: Because you’re already at your worst? 

Rahab, in a room with Levia, Behemo, and Seth: It’s calm in here.

Rahab: And that scares me.

Seth: Knowledge is power. Power corrupts.

Seth: Study hard. Be evil. 

Held: How do you two ever get anything done if all you do is argue?

Behemo: We don't!

Levia: That's part of our charm, quit f***ing it up!

Lich: Shh, do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness.

Eater: That's the sound of people dying.

Lich: That's what forgiveness sounds like. Screaming, and then silence.

Cop: What are your names?

Behemo: Don't tell them, Levia.

Cop, writing: Levia...

Behemo: Crap.

Levia: Nice going, Behemo.

Cop:

Levia: Uh oh.

University Professor: Your child said a swear word in class.

Rahab: I'll talk to her about it.

Rahab: *to Levia* Why the f*** did you do that?

Behemo: Apparently, it was Rude™ of me to pitch in my two cents on a conversation I happened to overhear, despite agreeing with them.

Behemo: On an unrelated note, I am no longer allowed to crawl in the ceiling vents.

Seth: That would go against my moral compass.

Lich: Your moral compass is a f***ing roulette wheel. 

Levia: *sighs* I have no friends…

Gumillia:

Michaela: *gasps* Then what are me and Gumillia? Roaches?!

Sickle: Is anyone else scared?

Seth: Not really. I've already lived longer than I expected.

Behemo: I get really offended when people tell me I'm going to hell for crossdressing because I feel like they're overlooking all of the other valid reasons I'm going to hell.

Catherine: Quick, how can I write a threatening email?

Gumillia: To whom it WILL concern.

Marie: NOW THAT THIS EMAIL HAS FOUND YOU—

Levia: I never doubted you for a moment.

Behemo: Thanks! You're lying though, right?

Levia: Oh, yes. I doubted you very strongly.

Luna, facing the Climb One inhabitants: Engineer? Yeah, I'm engiNEARING MY FUCKING LIMIT—

Lich: Oh no, you’re getting an idea, aren’t you?

Seth: Yeah.

Lich: Is this idea gonna get me in trouble?

Seth: Maybe.

Lich: Is this idea gonna cause me physical pain?

Seth: Yeah, definitely.

Behemo: If Levia and I were drowning, who would you save?

Seth: You two can’t swim?

Behemo: It’s a hypothetical question! Who would you save?

Seth: My time and effort.

Behemo: What's your problem with me?

Levia: *clicking play on a PowerPoint presentation* Well—