Archive of Our Own ^beta

Sehun knows he’s pathetic. He’s not oblivious to the sympathetic looks he gets from his friends, and he knows he should do something about it, that he should “man up”, as Jongin had told him to (Jongin, of all people, Jongin, really?), but in spite of all the not-so subtle nudges Junmyeon gives him every time Jongdae is in sight—

He doesn’t. He does nothing.

He’s left watching as his best friend flits through boyfriends like a butterfly through a meadow of flowers, while Sehun is the lone pine tree that stands through wind and time, ever-green and solid.

Honestly, it’s not the biggest elephant in the room to him, it doesn’t really feel so important, to let Jongdae know how he feels about him, and it’s pretty easy for him to ignore it except when he’s with friends, because once the sun sets and the butterfly can’t see the vibrant flowers, he makes his way to the comfortable pine tree to rest his head after a long day.

The butterfly always comes back home.

Sehun can safely say that there is no one who knows his Jongdae better than he does. (That is also one of the reasons why Junmyeon keeps insisting that they’re perfect for each other, but, well, Sehun is too much of a chicken).

So when Jongdae opens their dorm room and slinks inside, not really trying not to make noise, but being as quiet as possible, he knows that his best friend is hoping that he’s awake. And when Jongdae slips under the covers beside him, completely forgoing his own perfectly made up bed on the other side of the room, presses his freezing extremities against Sehun’s pajama-clad body, and sighs, Sehun immediately knows something is wrong.

He also knows that Jongdae is in one of his moods and it will require a certain amount of wheedling for him to open up about what is bothering him.

But it’s ass o’clock in the morning and Sehun’s pretty sure that Sunday has already dawned, so he doesn’t really feel like exercising his brain, so he does the next best thing that is sure to make Jongdae open his mouth.

He gives a noncommittal groan acknowledging Jongdae’s presence, and while he knows Jongdae is expecting him to ask questions, he simply rolls over onto his other side, eyes clamped shut.

He feels Jongdae freeze a bit in surprise, but then he doesn’t hesitate in draping himself all over Sehun’s broad back and exaggeratedly sighs extra loudly right into his ear. Sehun hums under his breath, barely audible, and has to bite his cheek to not let Jongdae see him smile. He knows Jongdae must be pouting by now, and can almost mentally count down until he hears a soft whine,”Sehun”.

Sehun hums again, and smiles when Jongdae huffs in annoyance, turning around to face him only when Jongdae says,”Fine. I’ll talk!”

But when he doesn’t say a word, Sehun realizes that it’s a bit more serious than he originally thought.

“How was the party?” Sehun asks.

Jongdae fiddles with the hem of Sehun's shirt before mumbling, “It was ok.”

And Sehun knows it was just ok because although up close, Jongdae's breath smells a bit like cheap beer, he doesn’t look tipsy or drunk. To Jongdae, good parties are those where he can get absolutely stoned.

“Did you meet up with Yixing?” Sehun asks. Yixing was Jongdae's latest fling so to speak.

“Yeah I did,” Jongdae replies. “But that’s not going to work out anymore. I think he found someone else at the party.”

And although he doesn’t sound too beat up about it, Sehun feels that it’s obligatory for him to ask, “Do—Are you—Do you feel bad about it?”

“Nah,” he replies, tracing patterns softly on the front of Sehun's shirt now, finger nails catching on the peeling cotton. “It just, it doesn’t feel right, you know? None of them do, and I just want to find someone who will, but I don’t know… I know I’m going through people too fast, but I just want it feel right. Maybe I should stop.”

It isn’t the first time they’ve had this conversation, but it definitely seems more serious this time around. Sehun had raised his eyebrows when Jongdae had first begun his little, well, quest, but had soon given up realizing that all Jongdae wanted was someone to feel right, as he put it, and he’d rather go out and take his chances than sit on his ass and wait for someone to come find him. (He also felt a bit more reassured that Jongdae wasn’t necessarily sleeping with all of them, he just went on a couple of dates and such before amicably breaking up with them).

This is, however, the first time that Jongdae has talked about giving up, and though his heart clenches painfully, he says, “Hey, don’t give up, ok? I’m sure there’s someone for you somewhere, you just have to keep looking.”

SOMEONE RIGHT HERE!!! SOMEONE LIKE MEEEE!!! he hears a voice in his head scream, but he ignores it steadfastly, giving Jongdae a one-armed hug.

Jongdae burrows himself into Sehun's chest, and sighs. His nose is cold even through Sehun's shirt and it tickles, but he holds himself still. “You sure?” he whispers so softly that Sehun barely hears it.

“I’m sure you’ll find someone who’d want to date a little shit like you,” Sehun teases, and Jongdae is quick to smack him on the arm, hard, as they both laugh.

They fall asleep like that, entangled, and burrowed beneath blankets, sharing warmth, and when Jongdae whispers softly, “Thanks, Sehun, you know I love you, right?” with his head almost on Sehun's chest, Sehun can only pray he doesn’t hear his heart stutter. His throat goes dry when he whispers back just as softly, if not more.

“Yeah, I love you too.”

They’ve been friends since forever, if forever means the kindergarten playground, where, on the very first day, Jongdae had introduced himself so brightly that little Sehun had counted up to ten tiny pearly white teeth. (There had been more, but he hadn’t known numbers after ten, then).

Jongdae had been there when Sehun had had his first fall from the swings and had promptly begun crying at the sight of his scraped knee. Being the nice best friend that he was, Jongdae had also joined Sehun in wailing at the top of his voice, except he wailed for the teacher, who’d come running and scooped Sehun up into his arms. He’d held Sehun's tiny hand in his even tinier one, sniffling with him as the nurse deftly cleaned his wound with stinging antiseptic.

Sehun had been the first to see Jongdae's first milk tooth fall off, quite comically in fact, because Jongdae had been showing him how it was loose by poking it with his tongue, and as Sehun was staring, it had come off right into his hands. And though Jongdae's lower lip had wobbled at the little blood that had dribbled out, Sehun had put his arms around him as they waited for Jongdae's mother to come and pick them up.

They had also been together when they had both realized that their interests lay elsewhere than their classmates when Jongdae had stumbled across a gay porn site pop-up while researching their project. They’d both cursed at the same time, looking at the image of a man flashing his abs while holding the bottom of his tank-top between his teeth. (It hadn’t been too awkward, although they had never spoken again about how they both had registered to that site).

Sehun had begun to realize his feelings in the last year of high school, when Jongdae had come to his house after a date, blushing hot to his roots because he had kissed a boy for the first time. While he’d thought he would be happy for his friend, there had been a stab of what felt like pain through his body, but he had squashed that ugly emotion immediately. (When Sehun had had his first kiss, it was in a club, and he had been drunk, and it had ended in a quick orgasm with a stranger grinding against him in the men’s loo. Jongdae hadn’t been too happy about it, but it wasn’t like he could complain.)

Sehun doesn’t, however, know exactly when he’d begun falling in love with Jongdae. It hadn’t been an earth-shattering realization, a jolt to reality. Just that one day when Sehun had huffed out an I love you to Jongdae for massaging his feet after a grueling athletics practice, he’d realized that he meant it. He actually meant what he said. And Jongdae's laughing You better! hadn’t stopped his heart from thumping.

Somewhere, along the way, as they’d entered uni and Jongdae had started his little quest, Sehun guesses that he’d grown afraid, and complacent. Afraid of losing his friendship with Jongdae, because telling someone who’d seen you as a toothless kid and who’d seen you naked in the bathtub that you loved loved them was kind of a big deal in his opinion. Besides, he’d grown to become accustomed to the fact that Jongdae would always come back to him at the end of the day, because none of the guys he went out with ever became even remotely permanent in his life.

To Sehun, it was really strange now, to imagine confessing to Jongdae after all these years of keeping mum, and it was really easy to ignore all the sweaty palms, and thumping beats of his heart and the butterflies in his stomach by now.

Until Park Chanyeol came along.

Sehun doesn’t know a lot of things, he’ll admit, but he really has no idea how suddenly, Jongdae is all Chanyeol this, and Chanyeol that. They go out to the movies, and suddenly Jongdae is watching all the movies Sehun wants to watch with Chanyeol. They go together to the new amusement park that has opened before all their friends decide to go together. Jongdae even skips a party because Chanyeol wants to go star-gazing and Sehun is stumped because Jongdae never misses any party.

Sehun gets panicked most when Jongdae brings Chanyeol to lunch one day, and keeps bringing him every day after that. His panic doesn’t spare him from Junmyeon’s grim smile at him though, and his heart positively sinks when he realizes what this could mean.

Jongdae likes Chanyeol. (And Chanyeol is not Sehun).

“I told you, so many times, to tell him, and now you’ve lost your chance!” Jongin almost yells at him when he sidles into his and Junmyeon’s dorm, looking miserable at himself.

“I know you did,” Sehun almost moans in despair, making his way to a bed and flopping on it. “I fucked up, now tell me how to fix it!”

There’s an ominous silence and Sehun feels the desperation seep in a bit. “Dare I still hope that he’ll dump Chanyeol's ass, even after…two weeks?”

His own voice does not sound hopeful to himself.

He buries his face into a pillow and yells agitatedly.

Junmyeon's straight advice is to be honest with Jongdae and tell him everything. Both he and Jongin pump him up with motivational words, the best of which, Sehun doesn’t think he’ll ever forget, is ‘You’re definitely better than that overgrown, frizzy-haired worm!’ (Courtesy Jongin, of course, Junmyeon had smacked him hard).

He’s riding high on that motivation, previous fears forgotten because another more terrible fear has taken its place, and he goes straight to his room, mentally chanting a string of ‘I can do this, I can do this!’ on loop, where he expects Jongdae will be. He slams the door open, saying,”Jongdae, are you—“

Except Jongdae's there. And so is Chanyeol.

And it’s very suspicious that they spring apart when Sehun barges in.

Sehun can physically feel his motivation high deflate out him the minute he spots them, and they all freeze for a few seconds, body locking down like there’s double the gravity under him, until a horrible urge passes over Sehun and he bolts.

It’s hard to stifle tears when you’re running, and even harder to staunch a runny nose, Sehun discovers. He keeps running until he reaches the park, and his legs unconsciously take him to the large tree under which he and Jongdae do their homework in sunnier days.

He scales it quickly, long limbs coming to his help, and sits on a broad branch with his back to the trunk.

It is also very difficult to stop yourself from crying when you’re alone, Sehun discovers.

Because Jongdae does not follow him.

It’s hard to ignore someone when you live with them, and you’ve known them all your life that you can remember, but Sehun still gives it a shot. He goes back to his room late that night, shivering in the cold, hoping that Jongdae has gone out with Chanyeol, or that he’s already asleep.

But seeing how he’s somehow got karma’s third holy eye on him or something, that doesn’t happen. Jongdae is lying in waiting for him and jumps up the moment Sehun steps in, almost freezing.

“Are you fucking crazy,”Jongdae berates him, fussing over him once he notices how cold Sehun has is. “Where the hell were you, I called you!”

Sehun isn’t going to answer, but it takes one look at Jongdae's worried face for his resolve to melt like butter in front of a hot furnace.

“Nowhere,” he mumbles in response, toeing off his shoes. “I just—lost track of time—“

And he escapes into the bathroom, locking the door behind him, breathing heavily as he stands under the hot spray.

He can’t do it. He can’t ignore Jongdae. But neither can he love him anymore knowing that he won’t love him back, knowing that he’ll never be right for Jongdae anymore. And yeah, Sehun admits that he’s probably relied too much on this whole concept of fate and ‘he’ll-find-his-way-to-me-if-he-really-loves-me-and-if-we’re-really-meant-to-be-together’, but he’d at least had the security that there’s always next time, there’s always the next day, the next day when he’ll wake up beside Jongdae, either sleeping across the room in his own bed or huddled up next to him in his bed, eyes scrunching as he wakes up, rubbing them incessantly to stop feeling so drowsy, while mumbling for the time.

It could have been so easy for Sehun to just dip down and brush his lips against Jongdae's every morning, between every class, during every class, during lunch, during their study sessions, during the all-nighters they pull to complete submissions at the last minute, and Sehun had almost reveled in the fact that Jongdae was his, even if he wasn’t and there was no one who knew him better than he did.

But now, now, things were changing, things had changed and there was another guy getting to know him and hug him, and kiss him and—

Sehun doesn’t know what to do with himself.

His heart plummets down along with the water going down the drain. He’s doomed to be without Jongdae forever.

Sehun really really doesn’t want to be here. This isn’t exactly his kind of scene, but he’d been dragged along by Jongdae with puppy eyes and fucking pouty whines that he certainly wasn’t immune to. (He’d honestly do anything Jongdae asked him to, even dance the Macarena on one leg, and Sehun loathes the Macarena).

It’s the regular kind of college party: cheap booze, probably cheap drugs somewhere too, girls dressed in flimsy clothes in spite of how cold it is outside, loud music that’s making the walls vibrate and grinding bodies everywhere Sehun can see.

Sehun hasn’t ever outright refused to accompany Jongdae to one of these parties before in spite of not being a fan, because it’s always fun letting loose and getting drunk, dancing with Jongdae and possibly getting a quickie in someone’s room if he’s lucky, he’s not really a prude.

This time, though, he tries hard to get out of it because of Chanyeol. Jongdae is going with his boyfriend (Sehun supposes it’s safe to call him that now), and Sehun has had to tag along. Which means, he’s probably going to spend all his time skulking in a corner until Jongdae deems he’s had enough fun to go home, because Sehun is the designated driver after he lost spectacularly well in a rock-paper-scissors match against Jongdae and Chanyeol. (Sehun can’t even win him in that, damn it!)

And because he’s been seeing how glum Sehun has been over the last week, Jongdae insists that what Sehun needs is to let go and enjoy, at least for a night.

What Sehun really needs, Jongin tells him later, is “a fucking spine and lots of willpower, man. You go putty in front of him!” And Sehun knows, he really does, but there’s really little that he can do at this point, other than suck up and stay sane throughout the party.

So that’s what he does. Cradles a glass bottle in his hand, pretending to be drinking, just so random strangers stop offering him a drink, and skulks in a corner. His wonderfully masochistic brain has chosen a perfect spot to keep an eye on Jongdae and Chanyeol from, and he can see them chatting with some of Chanyeol's multicolour-haired, ripped jeans-clad friends.

Which makes Sehun rake his eyes over Jongdae's ripped jeans-clad body appreciatively. Nope, those tight black jeans and leather jacket aren’t doing anything to him, never. Neither is his up-styled hair, just for the record.

He declines a couple of people who ask him to come dance, because he really just wants to go back to his room right about now, and when he’s trying his hardest to politely decline a girl who just won’t get the message, he hears a very familiar voice behind him chime, ”I thought you liked dancing?”

Jongdae is standing there in all his rocker glory, and Sehun's breath hitches for a second because shit he’d never thought sweat would be so sexy on someone, and he really needs to get a grip on himself because this is absolutely ridiculous, he’s about to pop a –

“I’m not really feeling like it tonight,” he answers through grit teeth.

Jongdae asses him before clicking his tongue. “Don’t tell me you’re still mad at me for dragging you here. You’re supposed to be having fun, not standing in corners being anti-social. C’mon, you’re dancing with me!”

And Sehun finds his tall, lanky body being dragged by a much smaller one, weaving between the other people until they find a place.

But before they can start moving, the fast tempo changes to a really slow one, a western song that Sehun recognizes, and it becomes a bit awkward too fast between them.

“I should—“ Sehun says, swiping his tongue over dry lips. He falls silent though, staring at Jongdae who’s looking at the floor.

And then, suddenly, Sehun's brain does weird things and he’s imagining being Jongdae's best man at his wedding and him getting married to Park Chanyeol, their names written in curly script on white cards and Jongdae looking dapper in a suit and bow-tie and Chanyeol looking Chanyeol in frizzy grey hair and watching them exchange rings and kiss, and promise to spend the rest of their lives together—

No. He can’t let that happen. He can’t let Jongdae just like that.

He crushes Jongdae in a bone-shattering hug without a word, holding the smaller frame close to him, muttering I can’t, I won’t, until Jongdae wriggles out of it, and steps back, a questioning look on his face.

And before Sehun knows what’s happening, he’s blurting out, ”I love you.”

But the music is too loud and panic and nervousness had made Sehun's throat go dry and clog up, and it’s most inconvenient, but he clears his throat and tries again, but Jongdae still furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

Sighing in frustration at not being audible even after a few attempts, Sehun, at some point, finds himself yelling, “I-LOVE-YOU!!” as loudly as he can.

Except somewhere between his I and LOVE, the DJ makes the most elementary mistake and lets the music stop and wow, Sehun can pretty loud when he wants to.

There are people staring at them now, Sehun can feel their eyes on him, even as his own stare into the depths of Jongdae's, which have snapped wide open in surprise.

So Sehun does what he does best.

He bolts.

This time, however, Jongdae follows him, and finds him lying on the cold, dewy grass outside. He’s got one hand covering his face, which falls down when he hears Jongdae say,”Hey.”

“I love you,” is the smart answer that falls out of Sehun's lips. It’s like he’s broken a dam and all the I love yous he’d hoarded up are leaking through.

He sits up, frazzled, and runs a hand through his hair. “I—I’m sorry, I just—I didn’t—“

But Jongdae just laughs, and wow he has a very very nice laugh, and says,”I know, I heard you back there…as did the rest of the house probably—“ Sehun groans loudly—“but it’s ok, I love you too, Sehun.”

It just makes Sehun feel worse, because Jongdae isn’t understanding what he’s saying. And now that he’s comes this far, Sehun figures that he might as well go all in and finish what he’s started.

“I mean it,” he says. “I love you.”

And he can see Jongdae's smile falter a bit, and oh god this is going to hurt so bad later, but Sehun has to get it out. For his own sanity.

“Like, I like you, lots, real lots, fucking truckloads if you will, I really really love you, and I can’t stand to see you with him—with any of them—and I know you don’t feel the same way but shit, it’s such a relief to tell you this, to tell you how much I love you, how much I want you—“

“You—you love me?” Jongdae asks incredulously, and Sehun nods, running out steam pretty quickly.

There’s a pause, as if Jongdae's letting those words wash over him, and then it’s Sehun's turn to snap up in surprise when Jongdae says,”…Good. ‘Cause I kind of really love you too.”

“…What.”

Jongdae laughs again, stepping precariously close to him, and pecking his lips softly, and just—whoa.

“What.”

“C’mon,” Jongdae drags him back. “I’ve got to tell Chanyeol.”

Back inside, Sehun is still staring around dumbfounded, unable to get the feeling of Jongdae's lips on his, the slight pressure still perceptible to him.

They see Chanyeol with Junmyeon and Jongin, and suddenly Sehun only prays that Chanyeol does not beat him up.

“Game’s up, Chanyeol!” Jongdae says, thumping him on the back. “Sehunnie here just confessed to me.”

What.

What game.

“Damn!” Chanyeol replies. “I’m still waiting on my guy, why!”

“Good luck with that,” Jongdae replies, already dragging Sehun back out. “Get another ride back, Chanyeol, Sehun and I are going to go reacquaint ourselves with each other.”

What on earth.

Jongdae drags him back to where the car is, and almost shoves him in the driver’s seat before he sits beside him.

Sehun is still staring dumbly into space, because this is not how he had thought things would be. And before he knows, he feels two warm hands cup his face and Jongdae plants another sweet kiss on him.

“Come back to earth, lover boy,” he teases, mapping Sehun's eyes, before drawing him so much closer that the console is uncomfortably digging into the side of hip, but he really can’t find it in himself to care. Not when Jongdae is kissing him so hard, almost drinking him in like the world’s a desert and he’s the last oasis, and Sehun tries to respond just as enthusiastically, running the tip of his tongue over Jongdae's lower lip and his hands come up to frame Jongdae's face almost reverently—

Sehun doesn’t think he’s ever letting go.

(Later, they do somehow make it back to their room, and they lay almost on top of each other, snuggling, (fully-clothed because there’s no hurry really), and it feels like the sun shines when Jongdae smiles. And when the sun really does shine on them the next morning, Sehun does dip his head down to give Jongdae a good-morning kiss, and in the breaks between classes, and during classes, and during lunch… Yep, he’s never ever letting go).