Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Welcome! I am pretty new to writing and I will vaguely help you to understand the story

The story has 2 endings. I am slow to update as I struggle with Depression and ADHD, but I also write for myself so keep that in mind.

The main character is Russian-American, it is important for plot reasoning.

I am not going to bother writing characters for his Spetsnaz team, sorry. I struggle with original concepts so I will try and leave space to imagine the characters.

I am Natively Russian, but I never got education there, thus I use google translate for double checking my spelling. And no I do NOT condone the Russian-Ukraine conflict.

There is a character that is Ukrainian, in this universe there is no war but there was Soviet Union.

I am into all kinds of things, including writing, art, science, biology, chemistry, physics, psychology etc. So expect references to some facts. I am just a hyperfixated person and I dont want to overload my bestfriend with all of them.

You can find me on Tumblr, where I am most active, and X (formerly twitter).
Tumblr, @defronix
X, defronix32886 (or defronix32668, not sure)

Written in first person POV. May change it to third person POV. let me know

Feel free to ask questions in comments.

Chapter Text

Let’s start from the beginning. I am Keyan Rudiniy, Russian-American, 15 years old. Before I am going to tell you why I’m writing this, I should let you know what you missed. My father is a lieutenant for the Russian Army and my mother works for [REDACTED] in the government. Everyone surrounding me expects me to make a difference in the world just like my parents, which I don’t understand but okay. The legal age to join the military is 17, I am 15. Did I want to wait? Nope. Did I manage to join the military? Yep. 2 years before legal age requirements, which doesn’t sound like much, but believe me – it is. I asked my father to describe the bootcamp. He piqued his interest in why I was asking, but I don’t really care about that. I found out how hard it was (which is not THAT hard but also not easy), and I think with enough preparation I can do that. I made a daily work-out for myself to get ready. I chose to tell my parents about my plan, because my father would realise anyway. I am not going to write about the reaction of my parents. In my defense it would be way too long. So I cannot take my notebook with me, so I am going to write it down in a separate journal. I believe I am going to pass, wish me luck!

I passed, somehow. Not even sure how but I guess my hard work has paid off.

I have been in the military for 1,5 years already. Wow. Time flies fast. I have already thought of the idea to apply for Spetsnaz. Crazy idea right? Well, I already applied. I pass the requirements, except for age. I also can’t have my journal with me, but that’s also for another notebook. Let’s see!

I passed. I HAVE PASSED. I’m not half as bad as my father, huh? I decided to apply for Spetsnaz to impress my father. I have always been following their orders or just copying them. I want to be remembered differently.

The lieutenant took off running to others and I went right after him. “What is it?!” I asked. “We have an emergency! Quickly take your stuff. Active terrorist is on the loose.” He answered. Damn, is that what said Karkov? It could be… Well I’m gonna see. I took my L96A1 and AK-47, as we all went to locker rooms. It was quiet but everyone knew how everyone felt stress inside. I put my armour on and headed to the landing pad.
We are currently in the chopper, our target is in fact Karkov. From all the information I got about him he is a Russian terrorist, his motives and whereabouts are unknown. He is known for using deadly measures to get away yet we got orders to take him alive but we can choose what measures we take, I personally would get there and kill him but whatever. We are getting closer to our targeted location, It is a mall, and not just a mall but an enormous one. One of the biggest in Moscow actually. The mall has a medium sized parking lot and two apartment buildings nearby. The apartment buildings in question are of a decent size to do a drop off of our troops, including myself. Sliding down the ropes with all my equipment was one of my favourite feelings at a mission, but I can’t be fantasising right now. At the roof was only one staircase to go down with, everyone coordinated with each other like they were reading each other's minds but I guess that happens when you spend a huge percentage of your life in the military. Having a race against time, we headed down the long stairs. No one’s talking but that is expected, all we heard were the sounds of our heavy breaths and our equipment banging against each other. 10th floor, 9th floor, 8th floor, how long is it going to take? It feels like we already lost our chance to capture our suspect, shit I'm thinking too pessimistic again. I gotta focus on the way down and the possibility of other threats lurking around any of the corners I see. Finally making the way to the outside we see the mall, a lot bigger than I expected to be fair. “Okay! We look at every corner of the mall until we find that motherfucker! Splitting up is a bad idea so-“ that was the last part I heard as I sprinted away to one of the fire exits. I heard through my radio how everyone asked what the fuck I am doing. “I have it under control! I have a feeling that I know where he is, don’t follow me. If I don’t return in 25 minutes, start looking for me!” I said through the comms. I cleared room by room just to see that there is no sign of intrusion except the fact that there are no people anywhere. I came to the last room that was currently under construction, a pretty good spot to hide, not gonna lie. Now I just need to look where I step and- SHIT! I felt the floor beneath me fade away just to reappear a few seconds later. As I never close my helmet, it flew off while I was falling and now I am stuck under rubble. My head hurts, I guess I need to call for backup… I try to find my way in pretty dim light as I rummage my way to safety. As I crawl out of the pile of rubble I start to feel dizzy in my head, I just ignored it as I expected after such a fall. I reach for my radio just to realise that it was lost in the pile of materials. Shit…
I took off the bag with my guns attached to it, in the bag sits everything you need; food, water, first aid kit, ammo, survival tools like flashlight and lighters. I sat there with my eyes closed as I felt blood dripping from my head. After the adrenaline rush was over I felt pain all through my body, guess that’s the price you pay for not paying attention. I was so focused on the pain that I didn’t notice how someone came closer to me, so close that he took my weapons away. That would be a deadly mistake but I still didn’t open my eyes until someone tapped on my shoulder. I flinched and reached for my guns just to realise that I am a dead man walking. As I tried to look at who it was, I tried to stand up. Keyword there; Tried. I fell almost immediately after trying to stand up. Now hearing a chuckle, no it was a laughter. I looked the silhouette right in where the eyes are, as I realised how fucked I was…

I clearly was unable to do anything so I just waited as I would be killed. But it didn’t happen. “I'm here just to look who fell into my hiding spot, nothing else.” I heard Karkov say. “Do you mind me asking why you are all alone?” I stayed quiet. And it was not because I did not want to answer, but I was in such pain that I could not speak. Karkov, probably realising that too, rummaged through my bag to give me a medkit, I just looked at him with a half conscious look. As I realised what was going on I took the medkit and started treating my wounds while forgetting someone else was here. Then he repeated his question; “why are you all alone?” I just tried staying conscious as I answered:”I didn’t think you would be here…” I finished bandaging my head and put the stuff back in the medkit. As I began to gain more and more realisation of the current situation I asked:”What is your goal?” I honestly did not expect any answer but I was proven wrong as I heard his answer. “We make sure we don’t turn into America” he stated. Was it that bad when I was a child? Is that why we moved to Russia? I don’t remember anything about America… “What happened there?” I asked.
“It became what is considered living hell, no one should be there. They realise their mistake and try to make other countries make the same mistake. But we are not so dumb.” Explained Karkov. I don’t want everything I know, changes.. Can I stop it? “Can I help to prevent that from happening?” I asked. I should have realised something was amiss when his smile turned into a grin. He was just about to say something when I heard footsteps echoing through the mall…

I felt Karkov’s arm wrap around my mouth and pulled me backwards, we hid in the darkest corner of the basement (?). The footsteps kept getting louder and louder, just as I thought they would fall into the hole, they stopped. All I could hear were faint whispers, even though I could not hear who they were, I could tell that they were surely my comrades. Someone took some steps backwards and I heard a thud. I saw just the silhouette of the person who could save me, hoping they understand what the fuck is happening. I saw the gun being pointed at me and Karkov, I thought I was a goner but I should have believed in my comrades. Happily no shots were fired, at least I didn’t hear any shots being fired. I closed my eyes as soon as I saw the gun being pulled, which in any other situation, would have been deadly. I hoped I had been saved but that wasn’t it. I felt cold metal on my head, soon realising what was happening. I was trained how to rescue hostages, not how to be one! I desperately kept my eyes closed so I wouldn't see any violence. I soon felt how I was sharply pulled by my shirt collar, while trying to grasp for air, I opened my eyes just to see that I was being transported somewhere. I heard some screams in the background, probably my comrades that wanted to just shoot [Karkov] to death. I wish I could do something about my situation but I just dozed off..

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I felt pain, a lot of it. I honestly wished it would end no matter how. I wish I could remember where the pain came from… My memory was blurry, I could not even open my eyes. I lost track of time, how long has it been? 10 minutes? 1 hour? I don’t even know. As I began to feel my body, I sensed a warm touch on my torso. Soon coming after what the fuck happened, I would have jumped upright buut…
I was way too tired, all I could do was tilt my head up and open my eyes. I pretty much regretted that, because I would like some extra sleep. Seeing that rat-like face made me think of my life choices; why the fuck am I so dumb? As our eyes met it gave me the heeby jeebies, thinking about how I am gonna meet my demise did NOT help. Surprisingly enough, I was not dead. Even better; The terrorist did not have a gun pointed at me. As I felt safe enough to look around the room I was in, I noted that it was a temporary medical station. I was lying on an old bed in the corner of the room, next to the bed was a simple desk loaded with medical supplies. The room looked abandoned for some time before I was placed here, which made me think of where I am. As my head filled with questions, I heard Karkov’s voice, as if trying to hold back laughter, say: “So you are alright? It would be bad if our comrade would be injured.”

Shit… I forgot about the rat face. If I was 100% honest, I wished I could have maybe not be a dumbass and end up with this jackass. As I lay back down on the bed, someone knocks on the door. I tried to look up, unfortunately, my neck gave out. As the door opened I heard: « Сер, извините что мешаю, но вас зовут. » Maybe it was a blessing, or not, but he left. While left alone with my thoughts, I realized what he may do with me. As I began to sit up I felt that I was cuffed to the bed. At least one scenario is confirmed: I’m taken hostage.

I wobbled around in bed. It has been some time since Karkov left the room, I guess it’s for the better. In the first minutes of being left alone I realized that I was severely wounded. But I was well taken care of. My head was wrapped in bandages because of the fall, my torso was probably bruised and scratched, but it didn't hurt. I tried to free myself from the grasp of the cuff by sliding my small ass hands out of it, but he was smarter than he looked. After some time of fidgeting with the cuff, I gave up on freeing myself. It’s the time to start thinking — what should I do? I tried remembering all the training we got that could have helped me. Did I remember something? No. Did I remember a random joke from that time? Yes. I was left hopeless — trying to figure out what to do. I decided that it is the time for some peace. I closed my eyes and began slipping into darkness…
I woke up alone in my cell, surrounded by the silence inside the four walls I was in. I began thinking about how long I have been asleep for. The silence was killing me. I was sure that it was not the first time these walls have seen something like this. Holding people inside them, full of fear and uncertainty. At least that’s how I feel. It reminds me of the fact that humans are not afraid of something, they are afraid of not understanding things. I don’t know what is going to happen, and I’m scared. I am not showing it but I’m scared. The mask I put on my face when I agreed to take on the job is still waiting to come off. No one ever saw what I had in my head after I put it on. I don’t want to make any more mistakes. While wondering about what could await me, the answer came towards me. Quite literally. Footsteps echoing through the halls I was brought in became louder and louder. Soon enough, I saw a face through the small opening in the door I was locked behind. He had a smirk over his face and eyes looking down upon me. He made sure I understood: I was a peasant. I was on my own. No one was there to help me. The door opened with a loud creek, the man coming towards me. I was still laying in my bed, not sure if terrified or excited. Soon enough I found myself free from the pain caused by the cuffs. I would want to punch some people in the face, but unfortunately I was not given that option. Immediately after being ripped out of my bed, I was put in another set of cuffs. I was focused on staying upright, not falling over my feet was difficult when a man twice your size was pissed. (I wonder what pissed him off…) He dragged me from my cell, I glanced into the man’s eyes; they were deep blue mixed with gray. Normally I would like the color of these eyes but now… I feel like throbbing them out of the eye-sockets. Swiftly, the man put a blindfold over my eyes. I had accepted my fate of being helpless, it was hard but that’s what made me strong. I walked what felt like an eternity, the man behind me also probably hating it as he sighed with a note of tiredness in his tone. “Ты уже устал?” I commented. I knew I dug myself a grave, I knew what was going to happen. But it will never stop being funny. It only took one moment to be slammed into the wall. I braced myself for the blow, and it never came. “[name]!” The voice echoed through the empty corridor. I could feel the fear in the man’s breath. Shallow and uneven breaths escaped the man’s mouth, as if he knew what was going to happen. The grip on me has softened, and then disappeared entirely. “Сер, я прошу прощения. Я не знал-“ he murmured. “Достаточно! Я его хочу живым!” The other man declared. It was clear he was his superior, interesting to see, or rather hear, someone being scolded over a hostage. I chuckled, I could feel the two men stare at me. Their staring made me laugh even harder, I liked to hear two grown men argue over a hostage. A hostage that is a kid. Yes I am in the Spetsnaz, but that doesn’t matter. “Что ржешь?” The superior man asked. I shook my head, still with a smile on my face. I could hear a faint whisper, and one of the men walked away. I felt relieved, not for long though, as the superior man grabbed me with his steady grip. He said he wanted me alive but if he continues this way, then I’m dead. I don’t know if I would prefer that, but it sure sounds fun. Who wouldn’t like dying? Maybe people who have something to lose. I already lost myself when I entered the military— I lost my old self, the caring and laughing self. The price was paid, and there were no refunds.

As we arrived at the supposed destination, my cuffs were taken off, to my surprise. “Дажы об этом не думой” he warned. I may or may not have thought about running, but decided that it’s not worth it. After taking a few steps forward, I had the blindfold ripped off of me. The harsh light bounced right into my eyes, it felt like an eternity since I saw any light. The room, or rather warehouse, was huge. It took me some time to notice the silhouettes surrounding me. I was, for the first time in quite a while, left speechless. I had no smart remark to make, which is a bad thing. I found myself spiraling in my own thoughts pretty soon after that realisation, finding myself in the dark place I always have been. Isn’t that where I come from? I have been here too long to remember. Or- A hand helps me remain sane, pushing me forward into the darkest part of the warehouse. Now that I was self-conscious again, I was ready to kick asses.