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Their kitchen counter is covered in Hello Kitty pastel pink crack. That’s the first thing out of Zakuro’s mouth when he realizes his parents are home. In the same room. They would’ve heard him too—if his sister hadn’t slapped her hand across his face, reopening the edges of his scar. He doesn’t say it, but she probably feels the warm blood on her fingers and makes a face. In retaliation, he licks the back of her hand. Their parents scowl in disgust and leave the room.
His sister, the devil, smiles at him. She’s wearing pink bunny ears, a white dress, pink fuzzy socks, and deeper pink closed-toed heels. A yellow sash with a flower adorns the middle of her dress. What’s he forgetting? It feels like he’s forgetting something, but no. He remembers. It’s Halloween. This year, he promised he’d invite his friends over for a party, and she’s been over the moon about it. But now he’s forgotten. He needs to rush them over, get them into some kind of Sanrio character costume, because his sweet little sister picked Hello Kitty as her sculpted idol. Now he has to kneel at her altar. Or whatever. It’s a Hello Kitty-themed party. Never mind.
He immediately texts his friends in the “Condom eating appointment” group chat. (God, the day he had to explain the name to his dad was the day the earth stopped revolving around the sun.) They need to come for his sister’s Halloween party in Sanrio. Since he’s not known for texting often, the chat immediately explodes.
Makino sends him two thumbs up instead of one, which the probability of was like Chernobyl happening all over again (they’d calculated). Now, he worries for Ukraine. Anyway, Anya sends him a photo of his Shrek face and a middle finger, to which Zakuro’s stomach rolls with both fear and... arousal. He means disgust. Anya’s an ugly thing. Akatsuki sends an RSVP, as do Karin, Himiko, and Yuzu—but Yuzu also adds, “Be ready.” Nothing else. Zakuro’s not sure how to feel about that. Kaikoku, however, immediately sends a picture of his closet—a black-and-white jacket, with a yellow shirt. He’s probably trying to be that penguin thing. Zakuro knows jackshit about Sanrio, except whatever his sister has beaten into him.
Yuzu calls next and prattles on and on about something called a “Cinnamoroll” and also asks if she can bring her “special brownies.” Whatever the hell that means. It’s probably just chocolate-chip or one of those fancy American brands like Ghirardelli from when she went abroad, so Zakuro says yes, practically vibrating with joy. He’s never had $10 box mix, and every food YouTuber he’s seen seems to agree it’s the superior kind. The brownies sound VERY special. Makino later sends him three thumbs-up emojis and a heart with a cake emoji, so Zakuro is sure he’s either getting cake, or he’s happy Yuzu is.
He’s got this in the bag. It’s going to be the coolest party ever, after the time he fell into the punch bowl in middle school and his sister accidentally flamethrowered their fence down.
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Anya walks in, dressed as Pompurin, according to Zakuro’s ever-helpful sister, who immediately rates his outfit a 3/10 for effort and nothing else. He’s wearing a yellow shirt with brown pants and a little brown hat. Credit where credit’s due, Anya stuck to a color scheme. Discredit where discredit is due, in Zakuro’s humble opinion. Ever since they fistfought behind that 7-Eleven (Zakuro totally won—though he lost three teeth, sprained his pinky, and technically lost), Anya’s face is so damaged that Zakuro worries his bloodline might end with him. Not that it’s worth much, of course (his pinky thrums with phantom pain), but still. Just to set the record straight.
Akatsuki follows, dressed like Keroppi in a biblically accurate costume with moving parts, which is actually quite disturbing. Incredibly disturbing, because the eyes move and the frame seems to be made of metal, like the bear he’s seen on Instagram (Freddy Fazbear), who goes, “Hur hur hur hur” or something. It’s terrifying. His sister yells 8/10 in the background. Zakuro pees his Hana-Maru costume, which is just a white sweater, white pants, and black face paint in the shape of a seal. (His sister rated him ugly out of ten, so he threw popcorn at her head, which is why the floor is oddly slippery and the walls smell of butter.)
Kaikoku follows, dressed as Badtz-Maru, with the jacket from earlier but also adorable penguin webbed feet, a black hat, black gloves, and little stickers of the penguin on his face. Zakuro doesn’t hear what Sakura yells out because, for a second, his heart is beating uncomfortably in his chest and he can’t breathe. And then, just like that, he’s fine, everything’s A-okay. He’s not used to—wanting things. And that’s just what all of this is. He moves into the living room to wait for Makino, his best friend in the world, but also Yuzu, because, as Kaikoku once said, “His panties are practically wet with want and desire.” Zakuro’s actually on his knees for a box of fancy brownies, since he tried cutting into his sister’s crack cupcakes earlier and they do not part like cake should. It moves, like Frankenstein’s fucked-up oven-baked little sister. And Zakuro’s not in the mood to be his sister’s science experiment, so he lights a candle in his heart for Akatsuki, who’s downing one with the gusto of a man out at sea, drinking his last beer before Moby Dick eats him and then a giant squid that immediately explodes.
Makino chooses that exact second to walk in dressed as… a white dog? Actually, Zakuro isn’t completely sure who that’s supposed to be. He turns to his sister, who looks just as confused as he does, until her face turns red. Makino says he’s something called an “Esnuppi,” to which his sister mutters something under her breath that sounds too much like “fucking poser.” So Zakuro throws one of the weird cupcakes at her head. She’s about to retaliate when Yuzu walks in with two trays of brownies and the delivery guy arrives with pizza and whatever lactose-free, gluten-free, vegan, plant-based disc Akatsuki picked out, too.
For a while, there’s no talking as people eat. Sakura’s boyfriend probably snuck in, because he’s ginger, and Zakuro knows a ginger when he sees one. There are other people, too. People he doesn’t know, like a girl who looks too much like Yuko, or a guy who looks too much like Anya, or the tall guy with glasses who gatecrashed. It’s getting a little crowded, and Zakuro feels overwhelmed, so he moves to the back, where the brownies are sitting, practically untouched.
Practically. Sitting in the back, with the cutest blue overalls and a pink bow in her hair, is Himiko. Her eyes are red, with tear tracks down her face. Zakuro feels way out of his depth. He’s nineteen, and she’s sixteen, so he’s never really felt too much of a connection to her—he likes her the way he’d like a little sister he has to babysit when she’s around. So it bothers him a little that he’s back here with her when she’s clearly going through something, not someone like Anya, who’s practically her older brother (or someone else Zakuro is sure is actually her older brother, but they don’t talk about that). She’s on her second brownie, and when she sees Zakuro, she blubbers about how cute his outfit is. Girls confuse him. Sometimes, his sister feels like a brother with how out of his depth he is. She’s tiny, sobbing her eyes out, and Zakuro doesn’t know what to fucking do until Yuzu bursts into the back and loses her shit.
Yuzu looks at him. She looks at Himiko. Then, finally, she looks at him again and asks in the most controlled tone, “Did you… let her eat those?” Zakuro has no idea what to say. Until it clicks. The brownies. Weed brownies. They were weed brownies.
OH.
He looks at Yuzu, trying to convey with his eyes that he didn’t know. She seems to understand because she’s already launched herself over the table, and now they’re staring each other down like two cowboys over the island in the kitchen. Then they both reach for the kitchen door at the same time, understanding fully. They slam it shut immediately. If either of them gets caught, it’s going to look very bad. Very fucking bad. Himiko’s sixteen. She’s the youngest person by a mile, and while she’s no toddler (thank FUCK), Zakuro’s known her since she was twelve, and this is ugly. He wants to explode and die. Yuzu looks green, too.
Himiko starts crying softly, and then she stops? Zakuro will never understand women. Yuzu, as if sensing that thought, hits him in the back of the head.
“OW!” he says lamely, feeling lame.
Yuzu rolls her eyes. Himiko stops crying. She looks at them both and starts giggling.
“Do you think Wild Kratts could beat Homelander in a fight?” is the first coherent thing he hears from her. Not a “hi” or “hello.”
Who the fuck is Homelander?
“Is that the guy who gets sucked off by an octopus?” Zakuro says instead.
Yuzu doesn’t miss a beat. “No, that’s Deep.”
Zakuro considers this. “Deep in who?” he settles on.
Yuzu reaches for the pan.
Zakuro screams. Himiko repeats her Homelander question and Yuzu launches the pan at his head. The pizza must be earth shatteringly good, orgasmicly fantastically brilliant if it’s stopping the rest of them from paying attention to whatever improvised WWE was going on in the kitchen.
-x-
They bundle her up and carry her up to a bedroom amidst her questioning but for some reason Yuzu and Himiko are making strange eye contact and Zakuro can’t understand and then Himiko trips and sends him flying down on his ass into his bedroom; which they were trying to get her into when the door clicks shut and he’s locked alone in his room and confused out of his mind. The running water in his bathroom stops, and suddenly Kaikoku steps out with his sticker penguins streaked with water. He looks confused. Zakuro IS confused. His phone pings. It’s a text from Yuzu.
“Look I’m sorry we did all that. This was an elaborate ploy to lock you in a room with the guy you’ve been crushing” is what it should translate to if Yuzu was a normal person, but all it does say is “bag that fyn shyt fr fr”. Those fuckers. Himiko pretended to be high, and Yuzu pretended to be nice with her brownies. To get him in a room. A locked room. He sends her five different messages all of which are variations of let me out, and then one final message asking her to please save a brownie for him which she thumbs up, and nothing else.
Kaikoku is watching him from the bed with his eyebrow raised and says nothing at all. He’d tried kicking down the door earlier but when it didn’t work he seemed content to die in there. Zakuro just might the way his heart is racing.
Badtz-Maru. And Hana-Maru. Best friends. Zakuro does know Sanrio, not as well as his sister does but he knows what he wants and he wants Kaikoku. Kaikoku doesn’t know sanrio; not really. He doesn’t know that Badtz-Maru and Hana-Maru are best friends. Kaikoku chose to be the penguin. So Zakuro had to be the seal. Absence of choice. Sometimes Zakuro wishes Kaikoku understood. Sometimes Zakuro wished that he understood himself.
There’s something stretching and unraveling under Zakuro’s skin. Like something’s intrinsic and knotted and it’s loosening into little ribbon spirals. There’s something wrong with him. He’s fucked in the head. He watches Kaikoku stretch out on the bed and holds in the insane urge to giggle until he dies. Watches the bare expanse of his waist where his shirt hitches up.
He’s so fucking dead. Zakuro’s a dead man.
Badtz-Maru AND Hana-Maru.