Work Text:
Sunday, April 6th
Dear Diary,
I never know if I actually want to kill myself or if I am begging for attention. The latter doesn’t really make sense seeing as the only person who knows is myself. I just can not remember the last time that I genuinely felt happy and stress free. Of course I could never actually do anything about it seeing as I could never do that to my family, hell, I’m about to be an uncle. There are people in my life who need me and they are why I stay, but I can’t shake the feeling that things would be better here if I were gone.
”John, what are you doing? We’ve got to go!”
John throws his pen on his bed and looks up to Freddie standing in front of him.
“Well darling, don’t just sit there, let’s get going.”
John, Freddie, Brian, and Roger are all first-years in university. John’s studying education, which he’s passionate about. He’d love to be the teacher who he looked up to when he was younger.
Currently Freddie is dragging John to have lunch with his other two friends.
John was excited at first, but things really seem off today. He eventually comes to the conclusion that it’s just his mind playing tricks on him, as it does.
This second semester has been pretty hard for John. He’s just gone through a falling out with a friend and Freddie has been an absolute doll, helping him out by giving him a place to sleep and a shoulder to cry on.
He’s started to become closer to both Freddie and Brian. It’s the perfect trio that he’d always wanted to be in. They eat every meal together, have taken road trips to show each other their lives outside of university, and have started talking about making summer plans together.
They’ve opened up to each other about their deepest and funniest secrets. Freddie even told them that during the first semester, he had a crush on Brian. How funny is that! Brian had apparently already known about this and let Fred down easy after explaining he definitely was only into girls.
So this lunch was going to be a great fix to John’s day.
“Fred, we’re over here!” John hears from across the dining hall.
“Lads, long-time no-see.” John joked, they had seen each other earlier that same day for lunch.
Roger gave a light chuckle. “How’s it John?”
“It’s good, how’re you?” John replied.
“I’m glad to be here, how’s it been spending all your time with these lovebirds?” Roger shot back.
John’s eyes shot out, confused by Roger’s question. John looked over to Freddie and Brian and if looks could kill it would seem as though Roger would be dead.
”Oh, fuck lads, I’m sorry. I didn’t—” Roger stumbles over his words, “I’m just gonna leave you guys to talk and whatnot.”
John watches Roger walk away and he is more confused now than ever before. What did Roger mean by “lovebirds”. Brian had made it clear that he had no interest in Fred whatsoever, so it just doesn’t make any sense—.
”John?” Brian asks, breaking John from his trance on the table in front of him.
“I’m sorry, what did you say again?” John asks.
Brian sighs, “I said I’m sorry we didn’t tell you sooner.”
”Tell me what sooner?” John asks.
“John, Brian told me he liked me a few weeks back. We’ve been together since.” Fred takes a breath, “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you sooner, but I didn’t want to make it awkward when just the three of us hung out.”.
John looks down at his lap.
This can not be happening.
This is not real.
John tends to keep to himself. He doesn’t like to open up to people, it’s just how he’s always been.
So of course when he started to have romantic feelings toward his best friend, he didn’t tell him.
Of fucking course this has to happen to him.
“Oh,” John starts, trying to not let what he’s feeling show on his face, “I’m so happy for you two!”.
“Oh thank god,” Fred replies with a smile, “I thought you were going to freak out or something.”.
”Why’d you think that?” John asks.
“Oh, I don’t know it just seems like sometimes you made a big deal out of something that doesn’t call for it.” Brian laughs.
John’s heart aches.
It hurts. Bad.
“Oh,” John starts, “well good thing this isn’t a big deal.”
John feels his eye twitching.
”Well,” Brian sighs, “I guess I’ve got to tell Paul now since Deaks knows.” Brian presses a kiss to Freddie’s cheek. “I’ll see you later.”
”See you Bri.” Fred smiles.
Fuck.
It’s just John and Fred now.
”So,” Fred starts, “Any questions? Or comments, concerns?” He laughs.
John collects himself.
”Um,” he starts, “I actually do have a few comments, but I’m gonna keep them to myself for now, y‘know?”.
Fred opens his mouth to reply but John cuts him off.
”Well, I’d better get going, I’ll see you.”
John speed walks out of the hall.
He doesn’t know where he’s going, but he just walks and walks until he ends up at the library.
John walks in and finds the nearest empty study room.
He lets out a breath that he didn’t know he was keeping in.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
What the fuck.