Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

2014  

Jackie and Shauna had a painfully ordinary life — nothing beyond what you’d would expect from a suburban lesbian couple in New Jersey. 

Shauna worked as a writer, mostly from home, and she earned quite well with freelancing gigs that consisted mostly in document translation for small companies; French, Italian, sometimes Spanish. She also took pride in having a weekly column on The Star-Ledger that, for some miracle, hadn’t fired her yet for all her snarky remarks on how terrible this new generation of high school girls was at soccer.

The pay wasn’t great, but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t have a blast out of dragging teenagers' athletic abilities for no fucking reason — and getting paid for it was a bonus, because honestly, she’d probably do it for free.

Her wife had mentioned she would be great on something called “The Twitter”, but Shauna had no idea what that meant. 

Besides, she was just glad the internet allowed her to send in articles from home and she only had to drag herself all the way to Newark for meetings once in a blue moon. 

As for Jackie, she was always more of a people person — pretty much the definition of a social butterfly; whenever she opened her mouth to talk about something she's passionate about, it took about a minute before everyone started to fall in love with it too.  

So, it was only fair she’d go into communication. She landed a job as a marketing manager for a fashion company in Monmouth — and, of course, she was fucking great at it; but then again, Jackie was just fucking great at almost everything she did, and it sometimes made Shauna wonder that if Jackie ever got caught doing something nasty like selling hardcore drugs or participating in organised crime, she would probably charm her way out of prison anyway. 

They were complete opposites when it came to that, but clichés exist for a reason. Like power magnets, their differences were part of what drew them so close together. 

When Jackie came home from work, never much later than 5:30 pm, Shauna was usually in the kitchen making dinner. Dinner for her. She got butterflies every single time, mostly because she was so impressed by it, given the fact Jackie couldn’t cook to save her life. The smell was always delicious, and she watched in amazement as her wife managed it all perfectly, always so focused, with her brows slightly furrowed and her hands gripping a spoon, or cutting vegetables... her neck would get sweaty sometimes, if it was a warm day or if she was close to the hot stove. When she wore a shirt, Shauna often pulled the sleeves up as far as she could, and Jackie would sit there and drool over her flexing muscles every time she put some strength into cutting meat, or kneading bread, or— God, those biceps! 

That night, Shauna was wearing a tank top. She had a huge knife in her hand, and was cutting some raw meat, hair up in a bun.

She was so concentrated she didn’t even hear Jackie’s twist of keys or her heels against the hardwood floor, but as soon as she stepped into the kitchen, Shauna noticed her presence, causing her to look up from the cutting board and flash her a smile that could’ve lit up a thousand cities. 

Jackie smiled back, and unable to contain herself, she walked toward Shauna, cupping her pretty face into her hands and greeting her with a long kiss on the lips. When she pulled away, Shauna came back for seconds and smiled against her mouth. She kept her hands up the whole time, careful not to risk staining her clothes with meat juice and blood. 

“Hi,” Shauna whispered with her eyes closed, breathing into Jackie’s lips as she giggled. “I missed you.” 

“I missed you more,” Jackie replied, pecking her lips again, only for a second, before she pulled away and sat herself on the counter stool, watching Shauna closely. “Whatcha’ making?” 

“Well, I was gonna try out this recipe with filet mignon and french aligot with a side dish of grilled asparagus and baby tomatoes,” she answered, taking the knife into her hands again and going back to slicing the meat. 

“Mhmm... Sounds fancy,” Jackie said humorously as she rested her chin in the palm of her hand. 

“I was overselling. It’s just meat and mashed potatoes," her cheeks flushed a little pink as she answered. 

“And asparagus and baby tomatoes,” Jackie continued. 

“Well, yes,” Shauna rolled her eyes playfully. “Sure. And asparagus. They were on a discount today at the market.” 

“Don’t forget the baby tomatoes,” Jackie teased her, and Shauna let out a laugh. 

“Shit, okay, enough about the goddamn baby tomatoes,” she tried to sound annoyed, but the grin spread across her face wouldn’t let that happen. “How was work today?” 

“Same old,” Jackie shrugged. “Everyone loves me. I might be getting a promotion soon, actually.” 

“Wait, really?” Shauna stopped to briefly look at her. “That’s huge, Jax. Congrats.” 

“It’s still just a maybe but I’m feeling optimistic. Let’s see what else...” she touched her index finger to her lip in a thinking pose. “Oh, yeah, I got a paper cut and it hurts like hell.” 

Jackie held out her pinkie wrapped in a band-aid. Shauna let out a small chuckle and jerked her head forward to plant a soft kiss on top of it. 

“Better?” She asked, eyebrow raised. Jackie nodded with a smile. “Good. I was just about to ask you what that was.” 

They stared at each other for a while. Dumb looks on both their faces, like teenagers in love or something. Jackie hummed something and then changed the topic of the conversation. 

“Enough about me. How was your day, Mrs. Taylor-Shipman?” Shauna let out a lovestruck sigh at the way Jackie had called her, cheeks burning up so red they could probably glow in the dark. Jackie found it extremely endearing. 

“It was slow. I was done with all my assignments before lunch,” she shrugged. “Went to the market at about two, got some groceries, filled the car tank...” Jackie was listening attentively, like Shauna just talking was her favourite radio show. And who knows? It might be. “When I got home, I didn’t feel like writing, so I just iced my wrists with, like, frozen peas, and doomscrolled through the TV channels.” 

“Your hands are inflamed again?” Jackie’s expression dropped to concern, and Shauna swore her eyes looked three times bigger when she frowned like that. “Baby, you shouldn’t be cooking.” 

Over the past year, Shauna had developed this thing called carpal tunnel syndrome, which basically meant that her extended misuse of her tendons, mostly from all the constant writing and typing — and to be fair, a little bit from, well... other activities  — was finally catching up to her. When she finally gave in to Jackie’s complaints and went to a doctor, he advised her to take a break from working and let it heal naturally. If it got worse, she could consider physiotherapy, but Shauna, being the stubborn dick she was, mostly ignored the pain and just iced it when it got too annoying. 

It drove Jackie fucking nuts. She was on the verge of tying Shauna’s wrists behind her back altogether, just to prevent her from forcing her hands with her obsessive working and meaningless tasks.  

“Don’t worry, I took some ibuprofen, see? Good as new,” Shauna was smiling at her, but Jackie noticed how stiff her tendons looked and the subtle grimace that appeared every time her wrist twisted, just a little too harshly, to cut through the meat. She didn’t like that. Didn’t like that at all. 

But she wouldn’t pick another fight over it. Shauna was in a good mood, and Jackie had no desire of ruining that. Besides, she had learned over the years that her wife wasn’t one to respond well to aggression; it only made her coil and go into defense mode, throwing punches at whoever got in her way. No, Shauna needed patience — she had to be sweet talked into agreeing to stuff. A soft kiss on the lips and a simple ‘I love you’ could get her to move freaking mountains. 

As soon as Shauna finished cutting the steaks, Jackie rose from her seat and circled the kitchen counter, closing the distance between them. She gently stroked Shauna’s shoulders, her fingers light against the fabric of her shirt. She stared intensely into her eyes; her beautiful brown eyes that could swallow her whole if they wanted to. 

“Fine, but I’m not letting you mash the potatoes,” Jackie announced, pointing her head to the boiling pot on the stove, voice low and her face dead serious. Shauna opened her mouth to complain, but Jackie caught her before she managed to utter a single word. “And that’s not up for debate, so swallow your control issues for a moment there and let me help.” 

“I don’t have control issues,” she whispered, trying — and failing — to sound casual. 

“Shauna, your left eye is literally twitching.” 

2006  

“Okay, this is the last one,” Shauna’s voice echoed as she passed through the door, carrying a huge cardboard box into the empty living room. Giant letters were written in bold handwriting across the front: JACKIE’S EXPENSIVE PORCELAINS. BE CAREFUL! 

“Are they intact?!” Jackie ran over to her as Shauna set the box down on the floor and chuckled. 

“Yes. I checked. None chipped, none broken. You can relax.” 

Jackie sighed with relief. She desperately wanted to plop herself onto the couch, but since they didn’t have one yet, she just sat on the floor. 

“Moving is so stressful. I’m too old for this,” she groaned dramatically, now fully spread out on the dusty hardwood. 

Shauna rolled her eyes and circled the box, coming to stand behind Jackie’s head. She teasingly nudged her skull with the tip of her shoe. 

“You’re 26. Stop being so dramatic,” they locked eyes. 

Jackie’s gaze skimmed her body, and a cheeky smirk spread across her face — much like an evil cartoon villain brewing a plan to take over the world. 

“Your boobs look huge from down here,” she said in a raspy voice. “Do a little jump.” 

“Oh my God, you’re such a jerk,” Shauna nearly choked on her laughter. “Get up, lazy, we have work to do.” 

“Hold on. I wanna enjoy our new flooring for a little while,” Jackie replied in a tired voice.

She inhaled deeply, trying to take in as much air as possible, but ended up swallowing a whole chunk of dust, which caused her to sit up coughing like a maniac.

“On second thought, it might need a little vacuuming,” Jackie's voice echoed in a quiet whisper, her giant eyes watering.

Shauna knelt beside her, stroking her back gently.

 “Oh, baby,” she looked amused, but a little worried too. 

So, there they were — moving into their first home together in their mid-twenties. It was a small house in the suburbs, away from the city mess and private enough. Jackie was adamant about moving back to Wiskayok after college, and although Shauna could think of at least a hundred better places to be, they all meant shit without that girl next to her.  

They got a great deal on the rent too, because the owner of the house was this very nice old man who Shauna’s mother used to chat with every Friday during the Shabbat services in the synagogue they went to.

‘I would love nothing more than to have Deb Shipman’s daughter taking care of my house for me,’ he’d said when they were about to sign the lease. Shauna had smiled, grateful, and Jackie smiled too — so in love she could barely breathe.  

There was nothing big or special about it, but it was theirs. 

Shauna helped Jackie to her feet. Her face was still a bit red from the coughing fit, but she was smiling now too, because it was kind of funny — almost losing the battle of life to a chunk of dust. 

“I’m so happy,” Jackie hummed, wrapping her arms around Shauna’s neck. She was slightly shorter than her, not enough for tiptoes; just the perfect amount to look up and see Shauna melting under her words. 

“Oh, yeah?” Shauna asked, encouraging her to keep talking. She raised a hand and tucked a strand of dark blonde hair behind Jackie’s right ear. 

“Uh-huh,” Jackie murmured, before burying her head into Shauna’s neck and kissing it. Shauna felt a shiver run down her spine at the contact and instinctively grabbed Jackie’s waist, causing her to smile against her skin. “God, you’re so beautiful, Shipman.” 

Shauna was covered in dust and had several pools of sweat forming in her shirt from all the heavy lifting, her hair looked like someone smeared it with oil, and she probably smelled like fried rubber. Still, there was her girlfriend, with her hypnotising hazel eyes, kissing her neck with her perfect lips and gawking at her like she was a divine creature.  

She was glad Jackie couldn’t see the blush that crept on her cheeks or the stupid smile she had on face, because she would probably tease her about it for a whole week.  

So she shoved her momentary shyness aside and grabbed Jackie by the thighs, who promptly let out a loud squeak and gasped her name, still wrapping her legs around Shauna’s waist as a reflex. 

“What are you doing?!” Jackie exasperated through giggles. 

“Housewarming gift,” Shauna replied simply, promptly sucking her girlfriend’s lips into her mouth. The smaller girl let out a shaky breath. “I’ve been meaning to proof test that kitchen counter.” 

“That’s probably a good idea,” Jackie said in a heavy sigh, their lips touching. 

Shauna smiled and carried them to the kitchen, where they proceeded to proof test the shit out of their new counter for the next two hours.  

By the end of the evening, it was thoroughly approved. 

2014  

Shauna woke up the next morning the same way she had done almost every day for the past decade: with Jackie clinging to her like a baby koala.  

Her blonde hair was spread out on Shauna’s bare chest, and she smiled with her eyes still closed as the scent of shampoo filled her nose, bringing her fingers to draw soft circles around her back. Jackie made a humming noise that usually meant ‘keep going’ and sighed, gripping harder at Shauna’s waist. 

“Don’t get up,” Jackie moaned in a sleepy voice, sensing Shauna’s body shift under her. 

“I need to pee,” Shauna whispered back. She would’ve budged without complaining if her bladder didn’t sting so much. 

“Then pee.” 

“How am I supposed to do that with you holding me hostage?” Shauna chuckled slightly. Jackie just groaned. 

“You’re a smart girl,” Jackie muttered as she yawned. “I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” 

Shauna rolled her eyes and kissed Jackie’s forehead, lifting the woman’s arm away from her belly, which earned her another moody groan in response. She just turned to her and said: “I’m so fucking serious right now, I am going to piss myself,” which finally got her to budge. 

She was only gone for a couple of minutes, but it was long enough for Jackie to fully wake up, her eyes were wide open, fixed on the bedroom door, waiting for Shauna to come back.  

She was lying on her belly now, hugging a pillow tight, exposing her bare back and legs. The only thing covering her ass was a scrap of white sheet. There was a bit of sunlight peeking through the windows too, making her hazel eyes gleam a little lighter.  

So fucking beautiful. Ethereal, even. 

Shauna stood there for a while, gazing in awe, still naked from the night before — it’d been Friday, and they had some wine along with dinner, and Jackie had that smirk she wore when she really wanted something, and she was so touchy, and she’d whispered ‘I’ll take care of you, baby. Just keep your hands above your head for me,' and that alone had automatically turned Shauna’s knees into jelly.  

“Are you just gonna stand there?” Jackie broke the silence after a few moments of staring into each other. She blinked slowly, small smile brewing on the corner of her lips. Shauna stepped closer. 

“You can’t possibly still be horny,” teased, climbing back into bed. She loved lazy Saturday mornings, loved them even better when they came with lazy Saturday sex. 

“I might still be a little drunk from last night,” Jackie whispered, mouth close to hers. Shauna grabbed the side of her neck and kissed it. 

“Bullshit,” was her answer. 

“Yeah, it is,” Jackie gasped as Shauna trailed her lips along her collarbone. “I just got turned on from watching you looking at me nak— fuck, baby, right there.” 

Her mouth had somehow quickly made its way into her right nipple, while the other one was being circled over by Shauna’s thumb. Jackie was panting softly, feeling the warmth of her wife’s tongue stain her body. She would never get used to it, no matter how many times they did it.

Having that woman like that was like a fucking drug, and Jackie felt like needed more and more each time she used it. Insanely addictive, never quite enough.

Shauna’s phone rang from her bedside table. She ignored it until it stopped, too busy trailing her mouth along Jackie’s body — licking, kissing, biting — feeling her back arch beneath her, listening to the sound of her heavy breathing beg for more.  

As soon as it stopped, the phone just started ringing again immediately, and though it was starting to get annoying, Shauna still ignored it, because now she was gripping her wife’s thighs with both hands, spreading them open while Jackie massaged the back of her head, burying her fingers into the dark curls of her hair, and biting her lower lip in expectation. 

Jackie felt like her whole body was famished, and the shivers that creeped down her neck, her spine, her legs, and everywhere else, screamed: 'More, more, more!'

Shauna dragged her lips against Jackie’s inner thighs, occasionally looking up to see her big hazel eyes fixated on her — begging, imploring, melting under the touch.

She knew Jackie was growing even more agitated with anticipation the closer Shauna got to where she needed her, even if she didn't make any effort to rush it.

Shauna could feel it, though, the way her breath was coming out uneven and she was starting to unconsciously push her head there, right there… Shauna happily complied — because she always did when it came to her. 

She lunged closer, opening her mouth slowly. Her tongue was almost touching the wetness between Jackie’s legs when— 

Her phone blasted again, somehow a lot fucking louder than before, and that time she couldn’t bring herself to ignore it, because it had already been almost five minutes of that shit nonstop.  

“For fucks sake, it’s not even nine yet,” Shauna lifted her head with the loudest groan she could manage and stretched her body, reaching for the phone and snapping it from the charger. Jackie’s head fell hard against the pillow, slightly frustrated but mostly amused at how worked up Shauna got over small inconveniences.

It wasn’t that big of a deal to Jackie — they could aways have sex later. 

She kept massaging Shauna’s hair softly, trying to soothe her anger a bit as she read the caller ID on the screen. Her demeanour quickly changed; she propped herself on her elbows, seeming slightly anxious all of a sudden, and answered the call.

It made Jackie curious, and she raised an eyebrow, her lips pressing into a thin line as she glanced at Shauna, a silent question hanging between them. 

For a few seconds, all Shauna did was nod and hum against the phone, listening to someone on the other line. She eventually gave her wife a side eye and answered,

“Yeah, it’s okay... no, I was just fast asleep.”

Jackie didn’t know who she was talking to, but she chuckled lightly at the easy lie, Shauna just nudged her humorously.

“Sure. I can make it work...” a pause. “No, it’s cool, I’ll be there. Thank you.”

Then hung up. 

“Who was that?” Was the first thing out of Jackie’s mouth. 

“You know what I love so much about you? That you’re not nosy at all,” Shauna teased her with sarcasm and Jackie smacked her lightly on the shoulder, mouthing a silent fuck you. Shauna feigned a sigh, her lips curling into a barely-there smile that gave away her excitement. “Something came up,” she explained, her voice dropping into a mockingly frustrated tone. “And now I’ve got to head into the city for a few hours.” 

Jackie furrowed her brow, eyes narrowing. Oh, she could feel it, alright — that woman was hiding something.  

“That’s pretty vague,” she clicked her tongue, trying to bait her into telling more. Didn’t work. 

“Well, it’s supposed to be mysterious,” Shauna responded, her lips twitching into a playful smile. “I’m just leaving to pick up something in Brooklyn. Shouldn't take too long.” 

“Since when you have business in Brooklyn, of all places?” Oh, great. Interrogation time. 

“I know what you're doing,” Shauna replied, squinting at her with a mischievous grin. “All I’ll say is that it's a surprise for you that I have been planning for a long while now, and you're not getting anything else out of me,” she watched as the other woman started to grow a pout on her face “No matter how pretty you look when you look at me like that,” she added. 

“Can I at least come with?” Jackie asked, her voice suddenly brimming with childlike excitement.  

“Not this time, no,” Shauna said gently, offering her a soft, apologetic smile. Jackie’s expression faltered just a little, the disappointment flashing quickly across her face before she masked it with a grin. 

“Fuck, Shipman, you're killing me here,” she groaned with a roll to her eyes, flopping back onto the pillow dramatically like she had just been shot with an arrow through the heart. 

“Haven't heard that in a while,” She murmured, voice suddenly dipping in nostalgia. Her gaze softened a little as she blinked slowly, and suddenly it was like she was fourteen, and seventeen, and twenty-one, and so many other things, all over again. 

“What? Shipman?” Jackie asked, propping herself up again. 

Shauna nodded slowly, a wistful smile tugging at her lips. “Yeah.” 

“Shipman, Shipman, Shipman,” Jackie said it fast, in an almost singing voice, kissing Shauna’s lips in between the words. “I’ve always loved your name so much,” she paused and then smiled. “How hot is it that every time I call you Shipman now, I’m calling you by my last name too?” 

“You like being Mrs. Shipman?” Shauna had a big gushy smile on her face, one of a kind only Jackie could cause.

“I do. Very much,” Jackie bit her lips shyly as she glanced away for a second, biting the inside of her cheek — and damn it if her face didn’t actually turn pink; it was such a rare occurrence too, getting her to blush. 

Shauna leaned in to kiss the tip of her nose, then got up from the bed and walked over to their closet on the corner of the room. She opened a drawer and pulled out some clean underwear and a plain shirt. 

“I also love being your Mrs. Taylor, by the way,” she said quietly after a while, glancing over her shoulder to linger her eyes at Jackie as she put her shirt on.  

Jackie watched her, unmoving, a steady smile on her lips that grew even wider at the confession. Her gaze followed Shauna’s every move as she scooped her pants from the night before from the floor and slid them on, then reached for a light blue flannel from one of the hangers. 

They sat in that familiar, comforting silence for a while, so used to it by now after all that time together. 

“You're looking at me all funny,” Shauna noted, glancing up as she was tying a shoe, her tone teasing but also a little curious.  

“I was actually thinking that you kinda look like a one-night stand running away after a very bad drunken fuck right now,” Jackie giggled, pulling the sheet up to cover her body.

She was still undeniably naked, which only made the image funnier to her as Shauna stood there fully clothed. 

Shauna laughed, amused.

“Yeah, darling,” Shauna said in a low, sultry drawl, clearly playing along. “Sorry to break it to you, but we're just... looking for completely different things.” She paused for dramatic effect. “It’s not you, I swear.” 

Jackie hurled a pillow at her in protest, making Shauna’s laughter echoe even louder now. 

“Jerk,” she murmured with a chuckle, still committed to the bit.  

Shauna picked up the pillow from the floor, smiling to herself. She was in an unusually good mood that morning — rare, considering how grumpy she typically was as she woke up, especially before her coffee. But, who knows, maybe it was the sex. Or maybe it was just… the vibe. That flush of young, silly energy that had crept into the room and latched onto them. 

“That little trip of yours,” Jackie began, pointing her fingers at her wife and raising her brow. “Should I be worried?” 

“Always,” Shauna replied in a humorous tone, leaning down on the bed to press a quick kiss on her cheek. 

Jackie rolled her eyes. Shauna turned to head out, but Jackie’s voice stopped her mid-step. 

“Baby?” 

“Yes, love?” Her head turned back to face her wife.  

“Your phone,” Jackie pointed at it. She had a terrible habit of forgetting it — never really got the hang of modern tech, that one. 

Shauna murmured an ‘oh, right’ and snatched it off the mattress, kissing her wife's face once more before heading for the door. 

“I got your favourite yogurt in the fridge,” Shauna called out. “I’ll be right back. Love you.”

And with that, she slipped through the doorway and vanished from Jackie’s sight. 

2009  

They were having dinner in silence, which wasn’t unusual by itself, but Shauna had noticed how Jackie would fidget with the cutlery and pick up the food on her fork but never actually eat it. She kept catching her staring — long, unblinking looks — only for Jackie to dart her gaze to the ceiling the moment their eyes met. 

She opened her mouth once, twice, but decided it was better to drink a big gulp of water instead of saying anything, and all that hesitation was starting to annoy her girlfriend. 

“Babe?” Shauna called, and Jackie jumped at the sound, wide hazel eyes snapping back to meet her brown ones.. “You’re acting like you’re about to confess to murder.” 

Jackie sighed, she wasn’t actually trying to hide her uneasiness, “I’m sorry,” she mumbled, “I’ve been... thinking so much lately.” 

“Are you anxious about work?” She inquired. Jackie shook her head. 

“No, work is fine, it’s—” another sigh, “something else.” 

Her eyes looked like a doe caught in headlights. She looked up at Shauna, and though they seemed to be screaming something, she couldn’t quite decipher it — yet it felt achingly familiar. 

“What is—” Her question was cut off by Jackie. 

“You know I love you, right?!” She blurted out in a single breath. Okay, weird. 

“Of course I do,” the brown eyed woman replied reluctantly, eyebrow raised. “Are you feeling alright?” 

“I am, I swear, I just... I’m so fucking in love with you, Shipman,” Jackie's lips started quivering and her eyes watered, she looked so small when they got so big.

It overwhelmed Shauna, her eyes started burning at the sight, anxiety slowly creeping up her chest — because Jackie was so nervous, she was twitching, stuttering and mumbling incoherent things, and that just wasn’t Jackie at all.

Which couldn't mean anything good, right?

“No, no, no, baby, don’t cry,” Jackie instantly ran over to her on the opposite side of the table as soon as she noticed, kneeling in front of Shauna’s chair and putting her soft hand on top of her thigh, “Shit, I’m so sorry, please don’t cry.” 

“You’re scaring me, Jackie,” Shauna whispered, so low it was barely audible. 

The thing about Shauna was, she might come across as a very well collected and calm person when you first meet her, but she was the most anxious and paranoid person Jackie had ever known. From the moment she caught the glimpse of desperation is Jackie’s eyes, her chest began to ache, a million things rushing through her head all at once, and they ranged from she’s going to break up with me to oh, God, she found out she only has two weeks to live.  

“I’m so sorry— fuck,” Jackie said that last part a bit lower with a sigh. “I swear it wasn’t supposed to come off as a bad thing, I... I’ve been planning on how to approach it for weeks and...” her voice trailed off with a gulp. “Jesus, this isn’t romantic at all, is it?” 

Shauna relaxed a little at the sound of her voice. She didn't sound like she was breaking up with her — or dying. 

Okay, good.

“I think you look cute when you’re nervous,” Shauna sniffed and Jackie gave her a small smile, gently caressing her thigh with her thumb. “It’s so rare.” 

Jackie left an awkward kiss on the tip of her knee, because it was the only thing her mouth could reach in that position and Shauna chuckled as she saw her reach for something in her pocket. She pulled out this little velvet box, a small black box, and opened it facing her and— oh, God, oh, God, oh God. 

"Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" Shauna nearly choked, her breath hitching on her throat again.

“Just hear me out, okay?” Jackie pleaded, her voice was raspier than usual, and it was faltering because her eyes started to water again when she saw Shauna’s do the same.

Her tiny hands were shaking so much, and she looked like she was going to pass out, but then she took a deep breath and started talking again:

“Ever since last week — when they shared the news about Vermont — I have been thinking about it nonstop... and I can’t really get it out of my head, because it’s what I’ve dreamed about ever since I kissed your stupidly soft lips when we were drunk minors in a high school party,” Shauna laughed nervously, she had tears streaming down her face. “And I know New York is not Vermont, and we can’t technically get married here yet, but you know I’m nothing if I’m not optimistic."

Jackie flashed out a shy smile, squeezing Shauna's thigh gently.

The golden ring shone inside the little velvet box and Shauna was already nodding frantically before Jackie even popped the question.

“But I want to marry you, Shauna. I want to take your last name, and I want you to have mine," Jackie continued, her voice cracking slightly. "I want to go around screaming that you’re my wife and have a fucking conjoined bank account just for the hell of it, and... I wanna have one of those extravagant Jewish weddings you used to babble so much about when we were kids, because I fucking love you that much, and I don’t care if it takes me 80 years to do that,” she took a deep breath, just noticing how her accelerated speech was talking a toll on her lungs.

She decided to take a deep breath and prepare herself mentally for the final sentence. That was it, wasn't?

God, why is proposing so nerve wrecking for some reason?

“So—” 

“Oh, fuck, yes, I do, whatever!” Shauna interrupted her fully losing her breath now. She hardly ever cried over anything, and for a moment there Jackie was scared she might have actually driven her girlfriend into a heart attack. 

“I haven’t even asked you yet,” Jackie smiled in between tears and Shauna rolled her eyes, running the back of her hand through her nose and making loud noise. 

“Fucking do it already then.” 

“You’re so patient, love,” Jackie teased, taking a deep breath and hooking her eyes into Shauna’s. They were so beautiful, so genuine, so full of love. “Shauna Shipman, would you make me the happiest woman alive and give me the honour of marrying me, sometime in the uncertain future, as soon as it's legal?” 

Shauna laughed at the way she worded it, nodding her head repeatedely.

“Yes, Jackie Taylor, I would love nothing more than that.” 

They were both sobbing and grinning like total idiots. Jackie stood up, Shauna bent down, and they met halfway in the weirdest position to share a kiss that was mostly just teeth because they couldn't bring themselves to stop all the smiling.

Jackie's hands were shaking like she was in the middle of an episode while she slipped the ring into Shauna’s left hand — it fit perfectly, of course.  

“I wish we could just elope in Vegas,” her raspy voice joked, trying to break the ice a little. Shauna laughed too, hands reaching to stroke her — now fiancée’s — face. 

“We could never do that, you’d invite so many people it would turn into a whole planned party anyway,” Shauna replied, voice still a bit nasal but at least she wasn't fully sobbing anymore. 

“You say like it's a joke, but I just know you’d be all pissy about it.” 

“Yeah, I would,” Shauna let out a warm laugh. “You're so shit with boundaries.” 

“Thank God that's totally your problem now, huh?” 

Shauna nodded; she felt like her heart just might explode. Her gaze shifted to the ring; she stared at it for a while. Engaged to Jackie Taylor, engaged to the love of her life, engaged to her best friend. 

Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. Her mind was overflowing with it. So many years later, and every time she stared into her bare face, clean of any make up, or saw how good her hair always looked, even without trying to, she still felt like a teenage girl with a silly crush.

But, at that moment, it dawned on her that Jackie wasn't unattainable anymore, she was hers. Fully. And they were getting married — well, someday.  

“This is my promise to you, baby,” Jackie said in a more serious voice as she kissed Shauna’s hand like a true gentleman. “It's you and me, no matter what happens.” 

2014  

Shauna had said she would be back home from the city before lunchtime — that whatever the hell she was going to do, the whole thing wouldn't take more than a couple of hours. 

Well, Shauna was a fucking liar, because it was already getting dark and she still wasn't back. Jackie had tried calling when it became clear something was wrong, but she gave up instantly when she realised her — absolutely terrible with technology — wife left her phone on the kitchen counter anyway, despite all her reminders.

Why have a fucking cell if you don't leave the house with it?  

She tried calming herself down. Maybe Shauna got caught up in other errands; she had mentioned some pendencies in Manhattan that were only accumulating over the months, and it was likely she decided to just use the time in the city to get them done. It was a very Shauna thing to do — she had always been notoriously bad at keeping a schedule. Wouldn't be the first time either; once, when they were in college and doing long distance, Shauna was a whole day late to meet her at Rutgers because she forgot to fill her car tank before leaving Rhode Island, which led to her getting stranded in the middle of fucking 95. Jackie thought she had died and threw a book over her head when she finally got there — but then apologised for the concussion with lots of kisses (amongst other things). 

The thing was, it had been a while since Shauna had pulled anything like that, mostly because she did not usually leave home without Jackie, apart from simple stuff like getting groceries or the times she had to physically show up to Newark.

It had been almost twlve hours since her wife had left; and she hadn't yet received a single signal of life, not even a payphone call, nothing. Jackie started seriously considering dialling a few of their friends in the city — like Taissa and Van — but it would probably raise unnecessary concerns.

Shauna would likely be pissed about it too, and they would get into an ugly fight, because she would scream something along the lines of ‘Stop acting insane, I’m not a fucking kid, Jackie,’ to which she would reply with ‘No, but you are my goddamn wife!’ — common trigger for a screaming match.  

What could happen after that was lingering between one of them sleeping on the couch and not talking for a whole week or angry sex of the decade. Not the best odds. 

Shauna was fine. There was no need for all of that. 

So, instead of doing any of it, instead of calling the cops about a missing person or doing a speed run through their address book, Jackie just threw herself on the couch and hoped it would turn out to be okay. She did make a mental note, though, that if Shauna were not back by midnight, she would go around screaming for her.

And she really fucking hope it wouldn't come to it.

Still, her heart was thumping against her chest, and she'd get short of breath thinking about all the possibilities. The city was dangerous after all, and Shauna's big mouth had earned her a reputation for a reason.  

Hopefully, she didn't have to worry about it much longer.

Shauna's twist of keys made itself known at exactly 7:17 P.M., when the sun had already set. Jackie jumped from the couch instantly, her head spinning because she couldn't bring herself to eat all day from the anxiety. She ran — or stumbled — to the front door in desperation but froze as soon as she laid her eyes on Shauna.  

Her blue flannel was stained in dark red spots, like it was never blue to begin with. She looked exhausted, covered in sweat and grease, hair sticking to her forehead with one strand in the front covered in red goo.  

She had her fists clenched so tight her knuckles weren't even white anymore, body stiff like stone. They locked eyes and stared at each other for what felt like forever, even though it was probably only three seconds. Shauna was the first to break the silence. 

“Baby?” Her voice was shaky. Her hands were bloodied and trembling. She looked like she was about to pass out. Or throw up. Maybe both. “I think I fucked up.” 

Chapter Text

“Baby?” Her voice was shaky. Her hands were bloodied and trembling. She looked like she was about to pass out. Or throw up. Maybe both. “I think I fucked up.”  

Jackie stood there, shocked, for maybe a second before running straight into Shauna’s direction to meet her. 

Lost dark brown eyes met huge, worried hazel ones as Jackie approached and started touching Shauna’s face with shaking hands. She didn’t mind the sticky red substance staining her fingers as she felt Shauna’s jaw,  cheeks, and neck with hurried movements. 

“Are you hurt? Are you in pain?” She blurted out, searching for signs of injuries — both on her body and face. “Baby, what happened?” 

Shauna’s eyes were darting to the sides like she was fighting the battle of her life. She looked pale, even more than usual, as if her soul was scared out of her body, leaving… whatever that was behind.  

“I— I’m...” She started, but her voice quickly died down on her throat. Shauna gripped her hands on Jackie’s wrists, like she might actually collapse if she didn’t hold onto something. “It’s not... it’s not mine.” 

Shauna looked for Jackie’s eyes with such intense dread on her face that it made Jackie’s heart sink inside her chest as if it suddenly weighed a thousand pounds. 

She was desperate, she was shaking, she was all covered in blood.   

“What do you mean?” Jackie inquired, still not letting go of her shoulders. Shauna clung her hands even tighter. “My love, what do you mean?”  

Shauna didn’t say anything, just took a deep breath and stepped away from Jackie, still gripping at her wrist with more strength than necessary. It hurt, and would probably leave a bruise, but Jackie’s heart was slamming so hard into her chest she could barely feel anything else. All she did was follow silently as Shauna led them out the front door, slowly and firmly. 

It was already so dark outside, because the neighbouring houses were not that close and the lamp post on their driveway was broken. The only light around was coming from inside their house and Shauna’s car’s headlights.

They walked t up to the trunk in silence. Shauna’s car was an old and dusty crimson-coloured pickup truck that she’d bought back in college and then became too emotionally attached to sell. Jackie had absolutely no idea how the thing still ran, or why she still drove it around so many years later — especially considering they owned a much nicer and newer one now — but had figured it was one of those things that weren't worth questioning further. 

Shauna stopped behind the truck’s cargo bed. It was covered with black vinyl tonneau. She gulped while opening the back door and uncovered it, revealing something, well— 

What the actual fuck?!  

Jackie’s eyes shot wide open, Shauna bit her lip anxiously, watching as she quickly shifted her gaze between her and the trunk, seeming to have forgotten how to blink — or even breathe, for that matter. 

The scene looked like something out of a movie; there was this guy — yes, a whole person — sprawled all over the surface of the bed, his limbs adjusted into the weirdest and most unnatural of positions, while his head was layered on top of a pool of blood.  

In fact, it looked probably a bit worse than that, because there were small blood splatters of red across the whole box, as if the car had been rattling up and down like a cocktail shaker. 

For a moment, Jackie was overcome with relief that she didn’t recognise him at all. He looked older than them, probably in his late forties, had more belly fat than hair, and reeked of cheap beer. For all she knew, he could be a random Dale, or maybe a John, and it would make no difference at all. 

Jackie stood there, taking the image in for a long moment. It surprised her that, for some reason, she didn't feel the sudden urge to scream or shout about having the woman she had known all her life bring home a fucking dead corpse, in the same way she would with groceries or new furniture.

It surprised her more, in fact — and even scared her a little — that this didn't really surprise her… at all. Because, like, it should. 

Fuck, it really should.  

But thinking about it was starting to give her a bit of a headache, so her brain just did the opposite thing and switched off.  

“Please, say something,” Shauna urged in a small voice. She chewed on the inside of her cheek anxiously as she watched Jackie take the bloody scene in.

“Shit,” was the only thing Jackie knew how to say.  

Shauna’s eyebrows knit together in concern.  

“Maybe say something else…?” 

Jackie stared at her for a moment, her eyes still as wide as ever. She just shook her head and muttered: 

“It looks disgusting,” she paused, pinching her nostrils shut with her thumb and index fingers. “Who is this guy?” 

Shauna couldn't quite read the expression on Jackie's face, and it made her shift uncomfortably, because that was something she didn’t know how to cope with. She was expecting anger, something tangible, something she could react to, but this was just... it made the whole situation much harder. 

Jackie was usually so easy to understand, and she wore her emotions on her sleeve most of the time — well, at least when it came to Shauna. But this emotionless person right next to her? She didn't feel like that Jackie at all.

Is this too much? Did I reach a breaking point?

“You're so fucking calm right now and it's freaking me out,” Shauna’s voice came out breathy and low, but steadier nonetheless. 

“Did you want me to act insane over this?” Jackie asked, letting her arms fall to the sides of her body with a defeated laugh. “Because I mean… fuck, Shauna, it's not like that would do us  any good right now.” 

Shauna just felt herself shrink, turning herself into something hard to name. Her eyes looked guilty, ashamed, darker.

“Fine. Jesus. Did you… kill this man?”

Silence. Shauna looked down shamefully. “Oh my God,” Jackie breathed, “you did.” 

“I didn't really mean to,” Shauna muttered under her breath, avoiding eye contact. 

Jackie just stood there and bit her lip, not knowing what to say. 

In all honesty, Jackie didn't fully know how she should feel about the whole thing, because that wasn't really what you would call a regular interaction between ordinary people — and it felt like having a rug being aggressively pulled from under your feet when you didn't even know you were standing on top of it at all.  

That thought stuck in her head for a moment, and suddenly, everything felt unsteady and uncertain. Jackie felt herself wobble on her feet, the pit in her stomach falling even further.

Jackie nervously clenched her hand on the fabric of her shirt. 

“Shauna, what are we going to do?” She whispered in a low voice, staring down at the body. 

Shauna's heart nearly skipped a beat. She lifted her head again to face her, but Jackie’s eyes didn't meet hers, lost somewhere in the mess. 

‘What are we going to do?’  

We. The word rang in her brain. 

Jackie’s head hadn’t even gotten that far.

We. Jackie had said it so casually, but it stuck. It clung to Shauna's brain so fucking hard it could bruise. 

Shauna's eyes started to water. A bunch of emotions she hadn't allowed herself to feel finally catching up to her, after a whole day of numbness. Being in her wife’s presence usually did that. 

Looking at Jackie, her world started to crumble bit by bit, then almost too fast, all at once.

The loud hiccup that left Shauna’s throat was the thing that pulled Jackie out of her trance of staring down at the corpse so weirdly disposed of in the car’s trunk. 

“I’m gonna go to prison,” she sobbed, clasping one hand over her mouth.  

“Hey, calm down,” Jackie approached with a squeeze to her shoulder  to try and get her to make eye contact. Shauna just cried harder. 

“They're gonna arrest me and I’ll be thrown into one of those places full of dykes who are too horny to function,” she started stuttering and her breathing got uneasy. “And I’m so hot, Jax, they're gonna eat me alive.” 

Jackie had to stop and blink for a full second to process. She bit her lip nervously, uncertain on whether she should laugh or hug the woman standing right in front of her. 

“Are you joking?” She asked, nearly choking on the snorted laughter she tried to swallow. “Please, tell me you're joking right now.” 

“Don't make fun of me,” Shauna wailed, sniffing loudly. “I could never make it without you. I’d die of sadness.” 

Her eyes looked desperate at the confession. Her words were amusing, and in normal circumstances, Jackie would've probably gotten a crack out of it; but at that moment, she understood it as what it was: something very on brand for  Shauna — using humor as a way to deflect from her actual feelings.

And Jackie was very much used to that by now. 

Jackie brought her hand to touch Shauna’s jaw, fingers soft against the sticky skin. She didn't talk, just looked at her — really looked at her — trying to figure out what to do or say. 

Was there even anything she could say?

The silence that settled between them was sharp, not comfortable like in their usual routine. Shauna's sobs had softened into calmer, smaller, stuttered breaths. Her shoulders slumped a little, dropping slightly.

Jackie was still stroking them over her clothes in a soothing motion. Her priority, above all else, was getting her to relax.

But then—

The moment was abruptly cut off by an unexpected sound coming from… inside the car?  

Jackie’s head jerked towards it. She felt her heart thumping strong against her ribcage. 

She turned back to face her wife and squinted her eyes at her suspiciously. Shauna gulped, but it went down the same way a brick would — it stuck on her throat and made it hard to breathe.  

More sounds. Something — a lot of things? — seemed to be frantically hitting the window and the door from the passenger seat, as if someone — no,  something — was trying to crawl out of it.

Jackie stepped away from Shauna, going around the car to check what could be making the noises. She got closer to the dusty window, and squinted her eyes a bit to catch a glimpse, and then she saw it, and suddenly she was jerking her head back to Shauna with an accusatory look. 

“You killed this poor man and kidnapped his dog?!” She half whispered and half shouted across the garage. “Seriously?”

It was the weirdest looking puppy she had ever seen in her entire life. It was missing an ear and the other one looked as if it didn't know whether it should stay up or down, meeting somewhere in the middle. Its nose was crooked as if someone had slightly twisted it, and the eyes looked like small black dots glued to the face — almost cartoonish.  

Jackie found it adorable. 

Shauna's expression suddenly frowned like she was offended. 

“What the fuck? No,” she gestured, looking suddenly annoyed. “That’s not— that's my dog. Why would you even go there?” 

“Your dog?” Jackie inquired, an eyebrow raised.  

“Shit, I mean— it's our dog, alright? That was the surprise,” she let out a heavy sigh. “I went to pick him up from the shelter. You mentioned we should get a dog and… I know how much you love these ugly ones—” 

“He’s not ugly,” Jackie cut her off. 

“He is ugly, though,” Shauna said simply. She tried shrugging it off by putting her hands inside her pockets, but they felt sticky against the fabric, and it suddenly reminded her that she was still covered in blood from head to toe. “He makes up for it by being charming, though.”

In the meantime, Jackie had already opened the door to pick the dog up. His tail started wagging like crazy at the sight of her, and he kept wobbling in her arms as she scooped him in a secure embrace.  

He was also all covered in blood, just a few spots brushing on his grey fur, but didn't seem to care as much about it, because he was too busy trying to bite Jackie’s nose off. 

“You better know you have so much explaining to do,” Jackie pointed at her and watched Shauna’s face lose all its colours at once. “But first you're gonna go take a bath.” 

“Baby, I—” Shauna tried to argue, but Jackie didn’t allow her to finish.

“Now,” she said firmly, closing the car door with one hand and holding the dog with the other. “I’m not asking, darling.” 

2013 

“Do you ever wish we had kids?” Jackie's voice pulled Shauna abruptly out of her own mind. 

It was such a lovely day out. And it had been so long since they had been out in the park, sitting on the grass, just enjoying each other.  

They were out with friends this time, which had also been a while. And it felt nice. 

Vanessa Palmer was standing in the distance, both hands on her hips as she watched a little boy go down the yellow slide for what seemed to be the fiftieth time in a row. It didn't look any more impressive than the first forty-nine times, but even then, she smiled, cheered and clapped like it was the coolest thing she had ever seen.  

Van flashed the both of them a smile when she caught them staring, and they smiled back. Shauna even waved her hand slightly. 

She turned her head to face Jackie again. 

“Do you wish we had?” 

“Answering a question with a question?” Jackie nudged her, raising an eyebrow.  

Shauna just shrugged, blinking slowly and letting out a relaxed sigh. 

“Got me there,” she started.

She paused for a moment before continuing.

“You know I like kids. And I adore Sammy,” she gestured her head to the boy in the distance, referring to Taissa and Van’s son. “He’s such a sweet little guy, and being a godmother is great, but I have never longed to have any of my own — which, by the way, are all things you’ve known for years now, Mrs. Shipman,” she paused, touching the tip of her finger to Jackie's cheek, who just smiled softly at the contact (and the name).

Shauna took another breath, now twisting her body to face her.

“Is that a regret of yours? You just never really brought it up after we got married,” she said, finger to her chin in a thinking gesture. “So, I’ll let you know that, if it is, I’d totally have them. With you. And I’d be really happy, too.” 

Jackie smiled, feeling her heart warmer inside. She scooted closer to Shauna, laying her head on her shoulder and letting out a satisfied hum. 

“Gosh, you’re so fucking adorable today,” Jackie said simply, a laugh scaping her lips as she planted a soft kiss on her wife’s face. “Do you even know how beautiful you are?”

Shauna’s cheeks got warmer, and she just groaned while her wife pulled away and snuggled her head on her shoulder again. 

“But I feel the same way,” Jackie continued. “I’m happy like this. Like, I like that it's just us.” 

“You do?” Shauna seemed genuinely surprised at the answer. 

“Yeah,” she wrapped one arm around Shauna's waist and breathed out happily. “Babies are so much work. And then they keep growing up, and it’s somehow even more work,” she paused for a moment. “And don't get me wrong, you know I’m a sucker for a challenge, but I think I’m a bit too old for all that.” 

Shauna let out a small laughter and shook her head sideways. 

“If the problem is being too old, then you don’t have to worry about that for another, like, five years,” she said in an amused tone. “A lot of people have kids at 35, it's not a big deal anymore. I mean, shit, they're doing it,” Shauna gestured her head over to Van in the distance.  

“Yeah, but that’s just because Tai and Van were broken up for, like, a decade,” Jackie rolled her eyes and lifted her head to look at Shauna. “They would’ve started a lot sooner if not for that— and they’d be on their billionth kid, too.” 

Shauna’s head dropped back down and she let out an audible laugh. 

“Okay, you got a point,” she agreed, ceasing her laughter, a smile still lingering at the corner of her lips. “But, still. I’m just saying... it’s not too late for us, either. If that’s what you want.” 

Shauna raised an eyebrow at her, expectantly. Jackie just sighed nervously. 

“I know, I just…” she started rubbing a finger down Shauna's arm in a simple pattern. “Is it weird that I don't want this to change? Don't want us to change? When I think about you and me, like fifty years from now, I don't see anything else other than just us . And that's enough for me. That's more than enough, in fact.” 

“Uhmm,” Shauna hummed with a smile. “Not weird at all. I mean, can't blame you for wanting all this just to yourself.” She gestured to her whole body, smirking. 

“Idiot,” Jackie said with a delicate pinch to her arm, not nearly hard enough to hurt. “I used to think, like, when I was little, that I needed kids to be happy. But... I don't know now, I guess I’ve changed my mind. I just really love our little balance.” 

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Shauna answered simply, searching for her hand and interlocking her fingers. “I used to think I’d never want children, but it surprised me when I realised that I would love them if they were our kids.” 

Jackie smiled. Her gaze shifted to Taissa, who had been further back in the park. She threw a blue rubber ball at Van’s feet and grinned as she watched their golden retriever run towards her family with joy.  

“We could totally get a dog, though,” she spoke again. 

Shauna’s lips curved slightly. She squeezed Jackie’s hands three times. 

“Yeah, that seems like a good idea.” 

2014 

Jackie watched as Shauna stripped off her bloodied clothes and let them fall carelessly to the bathroom floor. The soft thud of fabric against the tiles and the sound of running water were the only things between them and complete silence.

Her muscles were tight, the lines in her back drawn sharp like barbed wire, and her skin was stained with red in spots previously hidden by cloth; a big smear across her stomach, a swipe just under her left breast, and the shape of her own hands perfectly printed on both sides of her hips. 

Jackie felt a twist in her stomach — not exactly fearful, but still primal in a way that brushed a little too close to hunger. She didn't understand why that visual made her guts burn, or why her mouth was suddenly so dry, so she just gulped and looked away to stop her thoughts from straying too far.

She decided to focus her attention on the other creature in the room instead, his grey fur painted in red just like her wife’s brown hair; they looked a bit similar if she looked close enough — Shauna had always had this lost puppy look in her eyes.  

But, unlike her, he just sat there obliviously. 

Finding the words to speak was hard when none of them knew where they stood. The tension in the air was palpable. It was clear that what had happened that night changed things, probably beyond repair, but the degree of it was still unclear. 

It felt almost like walking a tightrope blindfolded, where taking a wrong step could mean being either caught by a soft safety net or breaking your back against the cold hard floor, in equally likely odds. 

They stared into each other's eyes for a moment. Neither of them looked away — not when Shauna turned off the bathtub faucet and climbed into the water with a relaxed moan, much less when Jackie knelt on the floor and rested her arms by the edge of it.  

Shauna's left hand surfaced lazily, automatically making its way near Jackie’s. The water had diluted some of the blood on her skin to a watery consistency weirdly similar to watercolour paint, and the colour had turned into a more vivid, brighter red. It left a small trail of pinkish liquid wherever Shauna touched her arm. 

Jackie shifted her gaze to Shauna’s hand and gently reached a thumb to her knuckle — Shauna pulled away like it burned. 

Jackie’s expression fell into a frown almost instantly.  

“What’s wrong?” her voice was barely audible. 

Shauna tried to take a deep breath, but it made her chest physically ache the same way it probably would if a knife had punctured her lung — maybe even more than that. 

She stopped mid-breath.  

“You have to leave,” Shauna’s voice almost didn't come out. 

Jackie just blinked, stunned. “What?” 

“I can't let you do this,” Shauna could barely look at her. She just sunk  deeper into the water, hugging her knees. “You're not— this isn't your mess.” 

“Are you kidding me?” Jackie’s voice was already cracking. “Shauna, you have a body in your car. You brought it into our home. This is already my mess.”

“You don't get it. You can still—” 

“No, you don't get it,” Jackie leaned in, her hand reaching out and squeezing Shauna’s lightly, just enough to get her to look her in the eye. “I know you think you're protecting me, and that it's so noble of you, like you're some kind of fucked-up superhero or whatever— but you're not.”  

Jackie touched her face; Shauna didn't flinch this time.  

“I’m your wife," she continued, voice unsteady, raspier than usual. “It doesn't matter if you like it. I don't give a shit if you don't want me in this. I am. That's what this means.” 

She tapped her wedding ring against the tub's edge, the metallic sound of gold filling the air. 

“You might've forgotten, but I made a promise to you, Shipman. And I’m still fucking wearing it,” Jackie swallowed a lump in her throat that was threatening to choke her. “I’m not breaking it in this lifetime. Or the next one. It's not up to you to decide that for me.”

Shauna stared at her with unblinking eyes. She let out a shaky breath, the faintest of smiles threatening to appear on her lips. 

“You're insane.” 

“Yeah, like you're one to talk,” Jackie’s voice dropped, perfectly hitting that sweetness that could melt Shauna to a puddle if she wished to. 

“This could ruin your life,” Shauna whispered. 

Her tone was daring, almost as if she’d said: If something’s going to ruin your life, let it be me. Let it be me a hundred times over. 

“I know,” Jackie answered with a wry smile, planting a soft kiss on Shauna's bloodied knuckles. “Though not nearly as bad as losing you could.” 

A silent surrender: Tear me apart if you need to. I wouldn't have it any other way. Do it a thousand times over, I don't care as long as it's you. 

A bit of red water ran down Jackie’s chin. Shauna stared, mesmerised. Eyes involuntarily fell to her lips, swollen and vibrant from all of the nervous chewing. They looked dangerously close to bleeding.

“Turn around,” Jackie said in a firm but soft voice. “I’ll help you with your hair.” 

“I can wash my own hair,” Shauna replied in a purposely bratty tone, but still complied and twisted her torso to allow access to her back. 

Jackie adjusted her body to get on her knees and stretched out her arm to pick up a bottle of shampoo on top of the bathroom shelf. She squeezed a bit in her hands and started massaging the back of her wife’s scalp with her fingertips with a precise but soft grip. Shauna let out a heavy sigh of satisfaction at the touch. 

The foam turned slightly pink on Jackie's fingers, but she didn't mind. 

“I think we might have to leave home for a few days,” Jackie whispered while moving her hands down to the back of Shauna’s neck and slowly taking a longer strand of hair into her hands. “Go far away. Sort this out.” 

“Mhmm,” Shauna just hummed in agreement, closing her eyes and leaning her head further back. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Jackie questioned hesitantly.

“Yes, Jackie,” Shauna assured her, letting out another small breath. “If you wanna leave, we’ll leave. It's that simple.”

Jackie was slightly taken aback by her words.

“You're being weirdly compliant,” she noted, her fingers still massaging the back of Shauna's head.

“Well, I made a promise to you, too.” Shauna's answer was quick, sharp, and sweet. 

Her words left a taste for more, and for a moment Jackie thought it might come, but Shauna wasn't giving any signs that she was going to elaborate any further, and just changed the subject instead:

“We can pack after we bathe the dog.” 

The small creature raised his one ear at the sound of the word ‘dog’ and stood up from his previous sitting position to walk closer to them, stopping right at the base of Jackie’s knees, while also looking up to Shauna’s face. His nails tapped softly against the bathroom tiles, and his feet left a small red trail of paw-prints that was almost unnoticeable.  

Jackie looked over at him, his tiny tail thumping against the floor, and her gaze softened. 

“He’s such a smart boy, knows you’re talking about him,” she said with a light chuckle. 

“Well, I did kinda say his name,” Shauna answered with slight indifference. 

“His name is Dog?” Jackie asked, trying to hold her laughter. She directed herself to face the little furball next to her, “Oh, you poor thing.” 

“Not really,” Shauna smiled to herself, even though Jackie could not see it facing the wall. “The shelter people named him— fuck, it's so stupid…” she paused for a second. “They named him Van Dogh. ” 

Jackie raised an eyebrow, amused grin on her face.

“Because he’s missing an ear?” She asked, still grinning.

“Yeah...” Shauna snorted out, her shoulders moving up and down lightly. 

That sent Jackie into a laughing fit that lasted for almost a whole minute nonstop, and she only stopped when she was almost out of air in her lungs. 

“That's so mean,” she finally said after a while, wiping off a single tear that was lingering in her eye. 

1998 

“I don't know why you're being so difficult about this,” Shauna threw her hands up, raising her voice slightly. 

“You can’t seriously not get why I’m upset,” Jackie said, voice irritated. They had been going back and forth for about ten minutes now. “When you literally just kept calling me out in front of everyone.”  

“Jesus, Jackie, quit being a baby,” Shauna said, mocking. “I corrected your grammar twice, it’s not a big—” 

“You humiliated me,” Jackie cut her off, voice slightly whinier. “I don’t know any of these Ivy League people, and I was nervous, and you knew that and still just humiliated me.” 

“I was only trying to be fucking helpful. I didn’t mean to humiliate you, or whatever,” Shauna's voice came out with a small scoff and she rolled her eyes. 

“ Or whatever?” Jackie’s eyes furrowed with anger at the words. 

“Well, you're the one acting like I committed a crime,” Shauna said, exasperated, her tone filled with indignation, “when it's not even my goddamn fault you felt like that.”

“What are you, five? Are you just incapable of apologising?”

“Why should I apologise if I didn’t do anything wrong? You’re the one making a huge deal out of a big pile of nothing.” 

“Oh, I don’t know,” Jackie trailed off, her voice sarcastic and bitter. “Maybe because you hurt my damn feelings?!” 

“I just said that, I didn’t mean—” Shauna stopped herself mid-sentence and pinched the bridge of her nose with an exhausted sigh, resting the other hand on her hip. “What the fuck else do you want me to say, huh? Why are we even still arguing about this?” 

“Because you’re being a fucking asshole, Shauna, that’s why!” Jackie shouted in a way she rarely ever did. Everyone around campus could probably hear it, but she didn't seem to give a shit. “Ever since you moved here, you've turned into this— this arrogant douche.” 

Shauna seemed to be taken aback by the abrupt change for a moment, her expression shell shocked, but the anger caught up with her almost instantly.

“Well, surprise, Jackie!” Shauna screamed back. “I’ve always been an arrogant douche, that's my whole fucking deal.” 

Shauna’s arms crossed over her chest in a defensive position and she rolled her eyes so far back you'd swear they'd get stuck inside her head. 

“Stop acting like you didn't know that all along.” 

Jackie’s eyebrows furrowed with anger and she took a step closer, almost enough that she could feel Shauna’s angry breaths. 

“No. Screw this. You don't get to pull this condescending shit on me,” Jackie said as she gritted her teeth, pressing her index finger aggressively to Shauna’s sternum. “You don't get to do that when I just drove four fucking hours to another state to be with you and meet your stupid little fancy friends who get horny on Shakespeare and masturbate to classical music— just so you could make an idiot of me in front of them and then act like that's not a shitty thing.” 

Jackie's eyes were starting to get teary, and a lump formed on Shauna's throat when she noticed. A part of her wanted to reach forward, touch her face, and wipe the tear that was going to fall any moment now.  

But her chest was puffing with anger too, whole face red, and pride had always been the loudest voice inside Shauna's mind. 

She couldn't help but listen to it. 

“Thing is, that sounds like your problem,” her voice came out raspy, like she was choking. “I didn't ask you to do any of that.”

It felt wrong. Shauna knew it was an awful thing to say, and she knew it was a lie, but she’d said it anyway.  

Regret hit her immediately when she saw the first tear roll down Jackie's beautiful face.

“Wow,” Jackie’s voice was low and flat; she was fully crying now, a steady stream of tears running down both her cheeks. “Yeah, fine. Fuck you.” 

Jackie reached for her coat that was lying over a dorm chair. The Brown University rooms were much bigger than the ones they had at Rutgers, but it suddenly felt too small for the both of them — even with the absence of Shauna’s roommate.  

Shauna didn't stop her. She just watched as Jackie collected a few of her things around the room — not all of them, not her suitcase — and started motioning towards the door.  

It hadn't dawned on her that Jackie was actually being serious about leaving, up until the moment her hand reached for the door and twisted the handle. Something agitated grew inside her chest. 

“Jackie, c’mon, you cannot be serious—” 

“Don't fucking talk to me,” Jackie hissed back. “Not right now.” 

“It's freezing outside,” Shauna’s voice dropped down lower, almost cowardly.

It was freezing. It had just snowed a couple of days earlier, the first sign of winter coming around. But Jackie hated the cold, and watching her pick it over having to share a space with her made Shauna’s chest ache, and she suddenly felt nauseous.

This was supposed to be fun.  

“I’ll be fine.” 

“Jax—” 

“Jesus Christ, can you lay off for a second?” Jackie flipped, whipping her head back to look at her girlfriend. “Like, seriously, Shauna. You're too much right now. Just give me a moment.” 

So, Shauna did. She took a step back and watched.

And, just like that, Jackie left the room without even a second glance. Even though she was upset, Shauna thought it was a bit funny that even when Jackie was angry, she had a way of politely slamming doors. 

But thate tiny fraction of endearment vanished in less than a second, and now she stood in the suddenly empty room, feeling her chest burn with something else — and it wasn't anger anymore. 

She quickly realised that her vision was blurry too, because of fucking course she was crying now.  

Shauna hated fighting with Jackie. It wasn't uncommon for them to get into arguments, but it rarely ever escalated to something bigger like that, and usually died down before it got too heated. It pissed her off even more that, this time, it had happened over something so stupid and avoidable that she couldn’t even remember all the details building up to it.

Her mind circled back to high school, to their biggest fight up until then. It’d been a pretty damn  ugly one in their senior year, back when they weren't even dating yet. 

They were in Seattle, because somehow their soccer team had made it to the National Championship finals, and the whole thing exploded in the locker room just before the game. She remembered, vividly, that it was a huge mix of screaming, crying and finger pointing; an absolute blood bath. They had to be separated by the team coach and went both into the field with puffy eyes.

It didn’t surprise anyone that they played like shit and cost their team the cup — but it did piss everyone off. Shauna even got kicked out of the game during the second half because she punched a girl on the other team. 

She’d almost lost her relationship with Jackie for good back then, and she would have, if her teammates hadn't ganged up on them, locked both inside a closet — so ironic — and refused to let them out until they sorted out their shit.  

Worst of all, it worked like a charm. They had spent a full ten minutes doing nothing but bickering at first, but it was then followed by another ten minutes of confessing their feelings, the two of them just hugging and sobbing. After that,  it had been an entire hour in what Shauna can retroactively acknowledge was a borderline sloppy make out session. 

Except, this time, Shauna didn't have any angry teammates to force her into talking to Jackie. She could very well leave for good, and nobody would come pull her by the ear and call her an idiot for letting it happen. Because they were adults now. 

The thought fucking terrified her.  

They were adults.  

She couldn't keep acting like a bratty teenager when things were already so hard for them. Seeing each other only for a couple of days every two weeks (that sometimes stretched into over a month), was already too little — too precious — time, and she didn't want to waste it on a fight over— what was it even about, anyway?

Shauna groaned, aggressively wiping her tears with both her hands and also reaching for her coat somewhere in the room.  

Swallowing her pride felt bitter, unnatural to every bone in her body, and it burned like downing a shot of lava. But fuck if Jackie Taylor wasn't worth it.  

“ Ugh, fuck me,” Shauna complained aloud as she too made her way through the door.  

The hallway was a little colder than the room, but it was nothing compared to the chilly air in the exterior premises. Rhode Island wasn't as cold as New Jersey during winter, but it wasn't t-shirt weather either. She put on her coat and hugged her own body, slowly making her way out of the building.

Shauna stopped for a moment, just watching the sidewalks around campus, a handful of people walking around. She started wondering where Jackie could have gone to, and even made a short mental list of people that might have seen a little dark blonde-haired princess with big hazel eyes, in case she ever needed to ask around.  

But she had only taken a single step forward when the sniffing sound made its way to her ears. She did not see anything by just looking around, but it wasn't long at all until she walked a little to the side of the building, only to find a small figure clenching her knees at the side porch's wooden floor, sobbing silently to herself.  

It was a different kind of heartbreak, watching the person you love more than anything hurting because of you. Shauna wished she wasn’t so familiar with it. 

She wondered whether she should’ve given it more time than five minutes, but it was so cold, and Jackie was shivering even in her thick coat — which made her look at least three times smaller than she already was. 

Shauna just approached carefully, trying not to make any sudden movements or noises that could startle her. She sat down beside Jackie and stayed silent. She opened and closed her mouth several times and even raised her hand to touch the girl’s shoulder, but stopped herself before she could do it. 

She had no idea what to do now. Or what to say next. She realised that this was a whole new situation to her, because Jackie was always the one who caved first. And it made her feel so embarrassed. 

But, at least, Jackie wasn’t crying as much anymore, which Shauna took as a not bad sign.  

“Didn’t think you’d come looking for me,” Jackie confessed in a whisper, turning her head to face her girlfriend. Her nose was so red, but Shauna wasn’t sure if it was because of the crying or the cold. “But of course you did, on the one time I ask you to fuck off and leave me alone.” 

Shauna cracked a small smile at that, almost not even there, because it was so ironic. She then reached her hand and touched Jackie’s face reluctantly — who shivered, but didn’t recoil. 

Okay, that's good.  

“You know me, I’m a stubborn dick like that,” she answered in a small voice and then bit her lip. “But I’m also... you know, sorry,” that last part was barely audible. 

“That’s it?” Jackie raised an eyebrow at her.  

Was that not it?!  

“Uh…” Shauna gulped. She hadn't really thought about what else she could do besides apologise. “I’m really sorry?” 

“Are you asking me?” Jackie suddenly pulled away to look at her with an annoyed expression.

Oh no, she was making it worse. 

“I’m sorry,” Shauna said, more firmly than before, face burning red. “For what I said, for everything else, too. I was being a cunt,” she admitted, still embarrassed.  “I miss you so much, Jax. I don’t wanna fight, I just wanna smooch your face and talk about dumb stuff, and— Damn, you know I’m shit at doing so much talking. Cut me some slack, okay? I’m trying.” 

That answer seemed to please Jackie more. She sighed and scooted closer to her again, letting herself rest her head on Shauna’s shoulder. 

“I’m still upset with you,” Jackie whispered. 

“I know,” Shauna said with a sigh and took a hand to the back of her neck, scratching it anxiously. 

“And, by the way, that apology was whacky as shit,” Jackie added in a more amused tone. “You’re lucky that I can’t ever stay mad at your abandoned puppy face, but you're so not in the clear yet, Shipman.”

Shauna’s lips curved up slightly.

“If it makes you feel any better, you were right,” Shauna answered with a small shrug.

“About what?” 

“People kinda suck here. Most of my friends suck too... Shit, even I suck when I’m here,” she laughed softly. “And I’m actually pretty sure my roommate did masturbate to Vivaldi once.” 

Jackie let out a small laugh that made Shauna’s chest feel instantly lighter.  

“They’re not even that bad,” she said, trying to smooth over her previous comment. “I guess I was just feeling... left out? Like, you’re so smart, it makes sense you’d be surrounded by, you know, smart people.” 

“Well, of course I am. I’m dating you, after all.” 

The light blush that took over Jackie’s face went all the way up to her ears. 

“You’re such a corny flirt,” she mumbled under her breath, hoping her voice was louder than the sound of her heart racing. 

“It’s not just flirting, I actually think you’re, like, the smartest person I know,” Shauna said simply. “You’re incredibly self-aware, and you have this awesome way with words — people just listen to you. That’s not just something. I’m really fucking sorry if I ever made you feel like you were less than me, in any sense.” After a quick moment of silence, she looked over at Jackie. “And honestly? You’d be surprised at how fucking stupid some of the nerds around here are.” 

Jackie smiled a real smile for the first time during that conversation, teeth and all. 

“Thank you, baby, that’s actually super sweet,” Jackie said in a nasally voice while using the back of her hand to clean her nose. “You’re getting a little better at this pep talk thing, I’ll give you that.” 

It was genuine, but there was also something Shauna couldn’t quite place behind Jackie’s eyes, and Shauna noticed it. Something sad and nervous. She had picked up on it right away when she spotted Jackie as soon as she’d arrived; she’d shrugged it off, because maybe it was all in her head. 

It wasn’t. 

“Wait, is there something else bothering you?” 

Jackie fidgeted nervously with her hands and pulled her head away from her girlfriend’s shoulder, shifting uncomfortably in her place. She took a deep breath. 

“Something happened a couple days ago, before I left,” Jackie started, her eyes watered a bit. “Van called me. Apparently, Tai broke up with her. Over the phone,” she dropped her head low, unable to face Shauna.  

“Are you serious?” Shauna inquired, furrowing her brow. “Shit.” 

“Yeah. Van was pretty upset about it.” Jackie said, and then mumbled something else Shauna could not hear. 

“What?” 

“I said it was about college,” Jackie whispered back. “Tai told her she couldn’t— couldn’t do the long-distance thing anymore.” 

Oh.  

Shauna felt her heart slam into her chest, unable to fully tell where the conversation was going.  

Is she tired of this? Am I getting dumped? I can’t lose her. I can’t. I can’t. I really can’t lose her. Please.  

But Jackie noticed the shift in her girlfriend’s posture almost immediately and reached for her hand. She squeezed it tight, firmly, lovingly, a silent ‘Calm down, it’s okay’ that got her to relax without the need for a single word.  

Shauna had always been way too anxious for her own good. 

“When we were fighting back there,” Jackie continued, voice cracking a little. “I was so scared. That you’d changed your mind about us too, because you’ve changed in other ways— and that’s normal, it’s totally fine,” she stumbled over her words, explaining herself before Shauna even had the chance to start doubting life and existence all over again. “But it’s a scary idea. I’d never thought they’d break up... and now, y’know… ” 

Jackie didn’t complete her train of thought with words, but Shauna picked up on it quickly: If the most stable queer couple we know couldn’t handle it, what does that leave for us? Are we doomed too?  

Shauna didn’t exactly agree with it, after all, their friends were completely different people. Sure, they were more stable in theory, but she’d argue they weren’t nearly as passionate as them — which, for normal people, that would translate to codependent.  

Weirdly enough, the realisation that Jackie was just insecure, rather than that she had decided to give up on their relationship, made a small, relieved breath leave Shauna’s lips. They were still holding each other's hands; she caressed the soft skin with her thumb. 

“I won’t lie, being away from you is really hard, Jax,” Shauna said after a while, almost whispering. “Not only from you, but from everyone else back home, too. And it's all different here, but... at least for me— the only thing that’s changed about us is that, somehow, I only seem to want you even more now that I don't get you all the time,” she paused, biting her lip nervously. “Even if sometimes I’m afraid I’ll be… that I’ll become—”  

Shauna's voice started dying down, her eyes now desperately searching for Jackie's, who promptly lifted all her fingers to touch her cheeks. They were very warm and a small blush from the cold painted her face.  

Her lips looked so full, and Jackie had to actively remind herself she should wait for her to finish talking to kiss her. 

And that she was still a bit mad at her — or whatever.  

She just gave Shauna a small encouraging look, a silent ‘Go on.’   

“I’m afraid I’ll become someone you don't want to be around anymore,” she finally said, almost choking on her own breath. “That's the most terrifying thing.” 

Shauna’s eyes looked lost, maybe even a bit desperate. She clung one hand onto the fabric off Jackie’s coat, afraid she might try to leave in case she didn’t hold her there — even if that was more unlikely at that moment than being struck by lightning. 

Jackie couldn’t help but notice the way her pupils dilated when she met her gaze, eyes turning even darker.

“Oh, my beautiful girl,” Jackie whispered in a tender voice, stroking her cheeks with blurred eyes. “I could never not want to be around you.” 

“You're such a liar,” Shauna answered with a small smile. Her eyes were glowing, too. “Not even ten minutes ago you were this close, ” she pinched her index and thumb close together, “to punching my throat.” 

“C’mon, Shipman, we both know you’d like that,” she teased back with a wry smile, and Shauna just rolled her eyes, her face suddenly much redder and warmer in Jackie’s hands.  

The smaller girl just left a soft kiss on her cheek and pulled away, still unable to take her eyes away from her gaze. 

“But you know it's not like that,” she continued. “I mean, are you a total jerk sometimes? Yeah. And do you occasionally piss me off to the point of forcing me out of a room to breathe? Sure—” 

“Am I supposed to be swayed?” 

“Shush it, just listen,” Jackie replied in a fake annoyed voice. “I’m saying that none of it matters. Those are… temporary things. At the end of the day, you're still the one I always wanna go back to,” she finished with a smile. “I don't think that you could ever change enough to the point of making me not want you anymore. Shit, I’ll even fuck you to Beethoven if you want me to.” 

“So romantic,” was what Shauna settled for. Anything else and she'd probably start sobbing. 

Jackie had always had that effect on her, bringing out strong emotions. Shauna didn't really cry ion other circumstances; she didn't cry when she broke her nose that one time during soccer practice, or when everyone else did when they watched Titanic at the theatre.  

When she did cry, though, it usually had something to do with Jackie Taylor — either because she was upset at something she did, or even because she’d said something that made Shauna feel so loved it physically hurt.  

Because, at the end of the day, it always came down to Jackie. 

“I know this is hard,” Jackie’s voice said firmly, in a more serious tone. “We were never away from each other for that long. But I wouldn't have it easy if it meant being with someone else.” 

Shauna gave her a small smile. Her heart started thumping so hard against her chest she felt like it was about to explode at any minute. She wondered if her teenage high school crush on Jackie would ever go away. But it had been almost six years — since their first peck on the lips during a slumber party — and it still wasn't showing any signs of fading away.  

“I love you,” it left her lips so easily, the same way it always did.  

“And I love you, ” Jackie replied with a giant grin on her face. Her voice sounded a bit nasally from the cold — and the crying — and Shauna thought it was a bit of an adorable sound.  

Shauna leaned in for a kiss; Jackie promptly let her, closing her eyes and sighing into it as soon as their lips touched.  

It was quick, but intense — Jackie even allowed their tongues to brush against each other, but only for a moment, only because she missed it so much. There wasn’t anyone around, but they were still in public. 

Brown University was, technically, a very gay school compared to others (or, at least, compared to Rutgers), but that didn’t mean it was wise to go around campus making out with your girlfriend — no matter how hot she looked with her messy dark hair, or how soft and sweet her lips tasted. 

“That reminds me,” Shauna murmured as soon as they pulled apart. “I have some exciting news.” 

“Oh?” Jackie inquired with curiosity, encouraging her to say more. “And what would that be?” 

Shauna smiled. 

“So, I’ve finally sold my old piece of junk car,” her voice was excited like when they were children. “And I’ve been saving up money from a few gigs here and there, and I managed to finally go out and get a— hold on, drumroll, please.” 

Jackie rolled her eyes with a smile but started clapping her hands lightly against her thighs. 

“Thank you, thank you,” Shauna said dramatically. “As I was saying, I managed to sell the Festiva and I got a huge deal on— and you’re not gonna believe this— a freaking Hardbody, Jax.” 

“I have literally no idea what this means but I’m so happy for you, baby,” Jackie rubbed Shauna’s shoulders with a bright smile.  

She laughed in response, shaking her head slightly to the sides. 

“It’s a pickup truck, last year’s model,” her eyes were glowing with so much passion Jackie thought she might overdose on her beauty. “Some rich dude in my class — like, Lottie Matthews loaded — scratched the side of it and his father bought him a whole new wheel instead of fixing it,” she paused for a minute, shaking her head with satisfaction. “He sold it to me almost for free because he thought I was so hot . What an idiot.” 

Jackie laughed softly at how happy she seemed to be. She even refrained from commenting on how it made her stomach twist a bit to learn about the fact that other people around campus found her girlfriend hot — even though Jackie had always been painfully aware of the amount of attention Shauna drew to herself without even trying; she had eyes, after all, and most importantly, she also had great taste.  

“A truck is such a gay car,” was what she decided to say instead. 

“Fuck, you might wanna sit down for this next bit, then.” Shauna joked back, earning herself a small nudge on the arm.  

They both smiled at each other. 

“Also, we should get inside, because I’m totally freezing my ass off out here,” Shauna said finally, reaching her hand out for Jackie, whose body was involuntarily shivering at this point. “You're shaking like a wet chihuahua.” 

“Oh, shut up,” Jackie replied, grabbing her girlfriend's hand, who promptly helped them to their feet. 

Once they stood up, Shauna patted the back of her jeans and grumpily mumbled something about sitting on a puddle. 

Jackie just interlocked their arms together and planted a kiss so hard against Shauna's cheek that it made her stumble to the side a bit and then smile to herself like an idiot. They headed for the dormitory doors, but Shauna stopped herself before they could get inside. 

“Actually, better idea,” she said, reaching for her pocket and dangling out a pair of silver keys. “How would you like to go for a test drive?” 

Jackie smiled suggestively, an eyebrow raised. 

“Is this code for getting in my pants?” 

“No, you freak, ” Shauna said right back, blushing immediately at the assumption. “I wanna show you my new ride.” 

“Again, very suggestive language, Shipman,” Jackie just kept teasing, because Shauna kept getting redder, and she loved watching how easily she crumbled under suggestive flirting.

“You know what? It doesn't matter,” she answered, face fully red at this point. “I’m gonna finger you on the passenger seat anyway.” 

That made Jackie choke.

2014 

The car had smelled like new leather back then, smooth and fresh. Of course that, over the years, it had started smelling more like them; the faint scent of months-old coffee grounds spilled onto the carpet, the cheap jasmine air freshener Shauna refused to throw away, the ghost of fast food, menthol cigarettes… 

Shauna remembered a moment of leaning her forehead against the steering wheel, laughing in disbelief as Jackie climbed into the passenger seat with snow still clinging to her boots, lifting her legs up while she pulled them out and threw them in the tiny back space behind their seats. 

“Oh my God, Jackie, I just washed the fucking car,” but she was still laughing.  

The trunk, however, carried some newer scents: wet dirt, something sour, something metallic. Shauna kept catching it in waves. Jackie must have too — since she had the window cracked.  

Her mind flashed with scenes from hours before. Being approached by this drunken man, the anger and disgust she felt when he opened his mouth — both because of the smell and then because of the words that left it. 

The anger. So much anger. 

She didn’t mean for him to hit his head like that. She didn’t mean for him to die.   But, worse than all of that, she didn’t mean for it to feel as satisfying as it did. 

It was a quiet sort of chaos. Shauna’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel; she hadn’t touched Jackie since they got in. Not a brush of fingers, not even a glance.  

“What’s on your mind, beautiful?” Jackie’s voice snapped Shauna out of her own thoughts. 

She turned back to face her wife for a second. The dog was happily laying on her lap, probably napping, his grey coat looking much softer than it did before, now that it was finally clean of the blood.

“What?” Shauna asked. 

“You just went somewhere,” she noted. “Everything okay?” 

“Yeah,” Shauna gave her a reassuring smile, not much more than a slight curving of lips. “I was just remembering college.” 

Jackie's lips went up in a small smile. 

“What about college?” She asked in a curious voice. 

“Back in ninety-eight, when I first got the car,” she answered, nostalgic expression on her face. “The time I took you for a drive, after we had that big fight, and you said the seats were very comfy and great for dry humping,” she finished with a chuckle. 

Jackie's cheeks flushed a little pink, but she laughed it off. 

“Well, I was right,” she shrugged, burying her fingers into the dog's soft fur. 

“As usual, huh?” Shauna said in a teasing tone. 

Jackie noticed her grip on the wheel had loosened significantly. 

“Hey, can I turn on the radio? It's so quiet, we need a distraction,” she said after a few seconds of silence. 

“Sure, baby.” 

Jackie reached for the radio button and turned it on. It was automatically tuned to one of those mainstream stations, and Britney Spears was blasting mid song. 

‘Mama, I’m in love with a criminal…’  

The irony of the lyrics earned her a side eye from Shauna, eyebrows raised in an amused way. 

“I better put something else on,” Jackie said, biting her lip. 

She tuned in to another random station. 

‘It's murder on the dance floor…’  

“Oh my God,” Shauna snorted out, nearly choking.  

“So much for distractions, I guess,” Jackie mumbled under her breath, holding back a chuckle.

They almost laughed, mostly because of how absurd it was, but a little because of nerves, too. 

Jackie just shook her head and turned the music up. 

Going shopping at Walmart, at almost 10 p.m. on a Saturday night, wasn't really what Jackie and Shauna had in mind when they got into the car and started driving south.  

But pretending all was good and ignoring the elephant in the room — or, in that case, the dead person in the trunk — was not going to take them very far. Because, even if running away from reality until they reached the end of the world was tempting, and also slightly romantic, it was not realistic at all. 

In the light of that, when the road opened up to a wide commercial stretch — with empty parking lots almost glowing in the distance, and a giant 24-hour neon billboard that could blind someone — Shauna simply turned back to her wife and spoke.

“You wanna…” 

To which Jackie shrugged and just said, “ Eh, might as well.” 

And just like that, they found themselves pushing a cart under fluorescent lights, shopping for trash bags and bleach with a puppy riding shotgun in the child seat.  

“Do you think we need rope?” Jackie asked suddenly as they were skimming through the department store shelves, looking over at the woman next to her while biting her bottom lip.  

“Why? Afraid he's gonna run off?” Shauna replied sarcastically, and Jackie hit her with a hard slap on the arm. “ Ouch, Jackie. That one hurt.” 

Shauna rubbed her hand over her shirt on the sore spot. Jackie just looked at her with a smug little smile. 

“Don't be a dick, we're brainstorming. It's not like I’ve ever gotten rid of a body before,” she answered, dimming her voice to the faintest whisper at the end of the sentence.

“Well, I was just thinking maybe we could go for something a bit less fucking suspicious,” Shauna whispered harshly.  

“And how exactly do you propose we do that?” Jackie inquired, an eyebrow raised with curiosity. “Because I’m pretty sure it doesn’t get much more suspicious than shopping for bleach and trash bags in the middle of the night.” 

The other woman just perched up her lips into a little smirk and shrugged. 

“Did I ever tell you about my dream of starting a garden?” 

Upon hearing those words leave her wife’s mouth, Jackie just sighed and thought to herself, ‘Yup, we’re going to jail.’  

But, since she didn't have a better idea, she complied. 

They walked in silence for a while; that seemed to be a thing they just did more often now. It wasn’t as uncomfortable anymore, the tension had dissolved into something almost casual, this being the closest thing to normalcy they had experienced in the last few hours. Excluding the context and everything else, that moment, of just suburban shopping around, was something familiar they knew how to navigate. 

It was a nice break, a tiny moment of a common routine. What a shame it couldn’t last forever. 

Jackie still had too many questions lingering at the back of her mind — and Shauna didn’t seem eager to offer up any more of an explanation without one being dragged out of her.

“Babe?” She called, careful as to try and not sound too accusatory. 

Shauna just hummed a small ‘hm?’ in an incentive to make her continue talking. 

“What… actually happened today?” Jackie's voice was a bit uncertain. “I know we’re— and that I’ve—” she sighed, like words were suddenly too complicated. “I’m just dying to know. Did that guy do something to you? Did he... hurt you?” Her voice became smaller. 

Silence. 

“I won't be mad.”

Shauna gulped nervously. Of course, she knew the talk was coming eventually; she never expected Jackie to be on board with the whole ‘let’s get rid of a corpse together, no questions asked’ in the first place — even if she’d somehow managed to go almost three full hours without her wife pushing for any details. 

Still, that’s not the kind of thing you can just withhold from your life partner.

Thing was, Shauna had no clue how to even start telling the whole story without sounding completely insane. Or evil. Or anything — and everything — else in between.

Was knowing more going to break Jackie? She was under the impression that Shauna was protecting herself, but was she, really? Could Shauna ever forgive herself if, even if not intentionally, she got the love of her life to risk it all for her, only to discover that she would’ve never done it, had she known the reason behind it all? 

She knew Jackie didn’t believe she was perfect — that was one of the reasons she loved her so deeply — but was she ready for her to perceive her as repulsive? For her to hate her?  

She figured that, no, she wasn’t ready.  

But fuck it if she didn’t at least owe her that choice. 

She probably took longer to answer than she should have, but Jackie didn’t pressure or rush her into saying anything; and Shauna appreciated it. was silently very appreciative of that. 

“He didn’t hurt me,” she finally let out, looking down at the cart. Anywhere instead of Jackie’s face, really. “At least, not physically.” 

Jackie raised her brow, not in a judging way, just curious. 

“I had a flat tire, and this drunk idiot came onto me in the middle of fucking nowhere— you know, close to one of those road handlebars,” Shauna paused, trying to collect some thoughts. “I shot him down— and he called me a slur ... and I just...” She dropped her head down with a sigh. “It was an accident.”  

Her mind trailed back to the events of the evening. Was it an accident? 

She really didn't mean to — didn't mean for him to die.

She didn't mean it. She swore she didn't. She couldn't have; that would make her a bad person.

And Shauna wasn't a bad person. She was just a painfully boring suburban one — nothing beyond someone who had a nice job, and a house, and a wife that loved her. She also had good friends, a vintage car, an Ivy League diploma, and now, she had a dog, too. 

So, she couldn't have meant it. Even if it was well deserved, even if she didn't really feel bad about doing it — but that's not something you're supposed to say, or think.

Not if you're not a bad person, at least — which, by the way, Shauna wasn't. 

“That’s okay,” Jackie cut their distance short to wrap her arms around Shauna’s neck and pull her closer. Shauna inhaled the sweet perfume coming from her neck, and it hit her like a kick to the stomach. “We’ll figure it out.” 

A knot formed on Shauna’s throat, a bitter taste clinging to the back of it. No, s he definitely wasn’t ready.  

It felt sick, to say the facts out loud and still have them half wrong. She owed Jackie that much, she knew she did. But she just wasn’t ready. 

Because she could smell Jackie, and she could feel her fingers twisting lightly on a couple strands of hair behind her neck, and the mere thought of losing it all forever because of a single moment, and worse, as a consequence of something she did, was terrifying. 

Jackie pulled away from the hug to stare intensely into Shauna’s eyes, who wished she was able to pull her gaze away, but the way her wife grabbed her by the jaw made it impossible to. Her eyes were big — so big and round, and they carried an ungodly amount of sweetness in them — enough to send her into cardiac arrest if she looked for too long. 

It took Jackie a minute to reply, as if she was trying to find something inside Shauna’s soul; as if staring at her would make it all magically pour out. It made her feel naked and exposed in a weird way she wasn’t all that used to, and for a moment there, she thought Jackie had actually called her bullshit. 

“Thank you for telling me.” She finally whispered, face close to hers, still indecipherable. 

Shauna felt her eyes sting, but she wouldn’t let herself cry again. Not for the third time on the same night — because that was just lame. 

“Of course. You don’t need to thank me,” she whispered back, hoping Jackie could catch the silent guilt hidden in there, and maybe find a way to forgive her for her tiny omission of facts without the need for verbal apologies.

Because she sucked at that, too.

The rest of the shopping trip was... fine. There wasn’t a single soul ion sight apart from what Jackie figured was a homeless person that had snuck into the bedding section of the store and was now peacefully napping under a display duvet. 

When they went up to the only cashier available in the whole store, it was already about 10:40 p.m., and they had a weird shopping bundle. 

Most of it was from the gardening section: there was this huge ass metal shovel, two pairs of rubber gloves (clearly meant for planting), a gallon of bleach big enough to drown in, the thickest trash bags they could find, a sack of dirt (Jackie didn’t question it), and way too many plastic water bottles. Add to that at least ten kinds of snacks, and — because apparently, Shauna was fully committing to the bit — a whole fucking tree. 

They also threw in some puppy food and treats, — since Jackie had learned little Van Dogh was only about four-months old at that point — a small chewy toy, and a bright red collar she had also insisted on picking herself. 

Shauna decided to silently add a bottle of shitty vodka to the cart when they were on their way to paying, earning herself a weird look, to which she responded with a shrug and a small, “Who knows, maybe we'll fucking need it.”

Jackie took a piece of rope last minute, too — which Shauna did not question either, in case it would earn her another slap.

The cashier — a twenty-something-year-old emo girl with bleached hair that, weirdly enough, remind Jackie a lot of Natalie Scartorccio — just switched her gaze from their fucked-up haul back to them, and raised her eyebrows slightly, not enough to imply that she actually gave a shit. 

And, to be fair, if she actually did, she was great at pretending, because the girl just scanned the shovel like it was a bag of frozen peas, absentmindedly beeped the bleach, and only paused once — to ask if they had a rewards card. 

They didn’t. 

She didn’t seem to care all that much anyways. 

“That’ll be ninety-three dollars and seventy-four cents,” the cashier said in a monotonous tone. “Form of payment?” 

Shauna just took out a hundred-dollar bill from her wallet and handed it to her with a weird smile. 

“You take cash, right?” Followed by a nervous little laugh. 

Jackie had to actively refrain from slapping her own face — and her wife’s — at the obvious question. 

The girl just grabbed the money and looked up at her like she was stupid. 

Shauna grabbed the change as they put their stuff into plastic bags and back into the cart, walking out in silence back to the parking lot. The emptiness of the space was a bit uncanny, and the image almost fell into one of those liminal dreams. 

They stopped right at the back of the car, facing the covered trunk. Shauna was just about to open it, when Jackie used a hand to touch her forearm and chapped her lips together, head swaying to the sides. Shauna’s eyes widened a bit. 

Oh, right. Dead body. Surveillance cameras. Probably not the best combo.  

They silently decided to shove their shopping bags — which weren’t that big — inside the small room behind the sits, that had only been previously occupied by a single duffel bag full of clean clothes and some basic hygiene products for the road. The shovel was an especially tricky fit, but they still managed; the little tree, however, well — Shauna just used the rope and tied it to the back, on top of the vinyl cover. 

They left the cart somewhere and entered the truck silently. Shauna didn’t start the engine as soon as they did, though, and instead she just switched her gaze over to Jackie, who promptly met her urgent eyes.  

The dog did the same thing, both now staring at her from the passenger seat. 

“I don’t have a plan,” Shauna confessed in a low voice, feeling slightly ashamed.  

Jackie didn't immediately respond, reaching her left hand to grab her wife's in a comforting grip. Eyes confident, unfaltering. So much so, that Shauna’s lungs almost forgot how to work for a moment. 

“It's okay,” she reassured her in a soft voice. “We’ll just keep going, yeah?” 

The Wharton State Forest was the biggest and closest place they could think of going to, and it was conveniently located within the New Jersey Pinelands — a mere two-hour drive from their home.  

And yet, once they got there, it felt like a whole different world altogether.  

They drove mostly in silence after leaving the store, watching through the windows as the buildings became sparser and the paved road turned into dirt paths — not even stopping when the car tires started to complain about the uneven terrain. 

They just kept going until their cell service bars dropped from full to nonexistent. 

Shauna drove thirty minutes straight into the never-ending woods until the trees were too close together and the soil was too rocky for the car to pass through without putting them in danger. She also made sure to stir far away from the abandoned camping sites and the commonly known hiker trails, hoping none of them were secretly being used at that hour.  

But the whole place was quiet, too quiet, and the unlikeliness of bumping into someone else quickly grew into something closer to impossibility.  

She parked the car on a small clearing. It was dark enough that turning off their headlights could make them lose each other, even with their physical proximity.  

Shauna opened the door and got out of the truck, and Jackie followed right after, carefully putting down one sleeping fur-ball on the passenger seat. He whimpered at the sudden absence of her warmth, but didn't wake up from his puppy dreams. 

They could hear a stream of running water down in the distance but couldn't tell exactly how far it was. Shauna just circled around the vehicle through the front to meet Jackie on the other side, and the faint yellow light shining on her face revealed a tense body posture, but an oddly calm facial expression. 

Shauna stared into Jackie’s eyes for a moment, none of them saying anything. She reached her hand and tucked a strand of dark blonde hair behind Jackie’s ear, whispering sweetly: 

“Help me with the trunk?” It sounded almost melodic, innocent, her eyes glowing as dark as the night itself.  

Jackie’s throat went dry, like she was suddenly thirsty. She just nodded softly and followed her to the back.  

Shauna slowly uncovered the vinyl covering the rear, pushing it back enough to reveal a sour smell. She then opened the back door to the cargo bed, which fell hard with a thump that felt like it echoed for miles.  

First thing they noticed was their friend had moved further back during the drive — a consequence of all the bumping around, probably — and his arm flopped down at them along with the heavy door, fingers nearly brushing at Shauna's skin.  

She jumped back back before they had a chance to.  

“Jesus,” Jackie said when she looked at it, instinctively covering her nose. 

It looked worse than she remembered; he was a little paler now, his lips almost blue, and smelled even worse, though she didn’t think that was possible. She thought it was weird for it to be so bad, given the fact that he hadn't even been dead for that many hours — but then she realised that she had no idea how long Shauna had been driving around with that thing in the first place.  

“Yeah,” was Shauna’s response. She just scrunched her nose with disgust.  

“Do we just pull him by the arms?” Jackie asked, still unable to take her eyes off him. 

All the blood that had splashed around was fully dried now, but the thicker puddle under his head looked more like a dark weird paste. He didn't have other injuries, at least, not any that Jackie noticed, and his position was still unsettling to look at — a human body was not supposed to bend that way. 

“I guess?” Shauna shrugged. “Can you grab us the gloves from inside the car, honey?” 

“On it.” 

Jackie disappeared for a moment inside the car. Shauna could hear her rummaging through the shopping bags. 

She could hear absolutely nothing else besides her wife’s mistrations and the running water in the distance, until there was a snap in the distance behind her, way too close to them.

She jerked her neck back, catching a glimpse of a small source of light.  

“Jax?” Shauna called in an unusually high-pitched voice. 

Jackie emerged from inside the car, holding two pairs of gloves in her hands, but before she could reach Shauna, another unknown voice was filling the air: 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” the voice echoed loud from behind a tree. It was deep, and masculine, unwanted, and out of place.

And then a man emerged from the woods, arms raised up in a surrendering gesture while he held what seemed to be a modern version of those ancient lanterns from the 1800’s. He was dressed a bit like a lumberjack, damp flannel shirt and a small utility belt attached around his waist. He didn’t have a lot of facial hair, and looked fairly young, like somewhere in his mid-twenties. 

Shauna stepped up quickly and stood on the side of the open trunk, covering the dead man’s hanging hand with her body. The other guy didn’t seem to notice anything weird, anyway. 

Jackie’s body stiffened, and she kept her gaze fixed on him while her hands gripped the driver’s door handle. Van Dogh seemed to have been woken up by the commotion too, because his one ear was raised up, and he had turned his head attentively at it. 

“Who the fuck are you?” Shauna asked loudly, jaw clenched. 

“I was camping a mile down the river,” he pointed to the direction to which the car’s headlights were facing. “I saw your lights and heard the noise and just thought I’d check in,” he sounded genuine. “Are you ladies lost?” 

Jackie and Shauna exchanged a quick glance that stood somewhere between ‘This guy is fishy’ and ‘We’re fucked.’  

“We’re fine,” Shauna answered dryly, swallowing a knot in her throat.  

“Are you sure?” He asked, taking a couple of steps closer to them. “It’s very easy to go off track around here, and you guys have come pretty deep.” 

“Yes,” Shauna just said plainly, narrowing her eyes at him angrily. “It’s all good, you can fuck off now, please.” 

Jackie sensed the tension in the air sharpen at her wife’s words and trailed off quickly to her side, grabbing her arm, stroking her skin gently. She forced out an overly sweet laugh that earned her a confused look from Shauna. 

“Forgive my wife, she’s just stressed from the long drive,” Jackie explained in a gentle tone. Shauna furrowed her brow at her, a small drop of annoyance brewing. “We were looking to get away from the city mess for the weekend, but I fear we might’ve wandered a bit too far,” she smiled at him, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “You see, we don’t have a lot of camping experience.” 

The man smiled back — a little too politely — and shifted his weight between his boots. 

“That’s fair,” he said, swallowing right after. “But it’s pretty late, isn’t it?”

“Oh,” Jackie shrugged it with another fake smile. “It was really just a last minute thing.”

But then Shauna caught it, just as his flannel opened a little to uncover his shirt underneath, a small strap across his chest, with something hanging, half-tucked beneath the fabric.  

A red light blinked on its side, the tiny action camera, previously unnoticed, now seemed to be the only thing she could focus on — and it was still recording. 

Her stomach dropped. 

“Hold on a second,” she stepped forward, aggressively pointing at his chest. “Are you fucking filming us?” 

Jackie shifted her eyes to his chest too, frowning slightly. Her and Shauna exchanged a small look. 

The man just looked down, visibly startled, and reached for the camera in a half-panicked motion. 

“Oh— shit,” he mumbled in a single breath. “ No. I mean, yes, but not like that,” his fingers fumbled over the buttons, but the light still didn’t turn off. “I didn’t even realise it was still running, I swear. I wasn’t trying to film you , I just—” 

“You just what?” Shauna narrowed her eyes at him. “You follow random people to the woods pretending you want to help them?”  

“Shauna,” Jackie whispered close to her ear. “ Baby, breathe. ” 

She did. 

He winced, taking a deep breath before resuming talking. 

“No. No, that’s not what this is, I promise. I’m a wildlife vlogger. Well, YouTuber, sort of,” he took a pause, calming down a bit before continuing his discourse. “I’ve got this channel, it’s mostly just gear reviews, camping nights and, like… deer sightings. Honestly, nothing exciting. The camera’s always on when I hike, just in case I catch something cool. I thought maybe your car was abandoned and— look, I wasn’t trying to be weird, alright?” 

Shauna wasn’t buying it at all. Jackie noticed her starting to get a bit worked up over it and squeezed her arm slightly in a calming way. Still, her muscles stiffened, and she clenched her fists tightly. 

“Well, that’s very rustic of you,” Jackie stepped in before her wife could jump the guy, voice still smooth and sweet as honey. “But I’m afraid we don’t really record well. In fact, we were just about to head back.” 

The man chuckled uncomfortably and nodded, stepping back. He seemed unsure about whether she was mocking him. 

“Right. Got it,” his voice sounded a bit robotic. “I was just trying to help. Sorry for interrupting your, uh... romantic outing— but if you still need anything—” 

And then, he paused mid-sentence, no warning. It probably happened in a split second or less; he’d stepped to the side lightly, moving his lantern up a bit. His face instantly drained of all colours and his body froze. 

To Shauna, it happened in slow motion. 

She followed his gaze, instinctively blocking the open trunk again, but was a second too late — his eyes were already locked on the pale hand dangling behind them. 

He didn’t say anything. Didn’t scream. Didn’t run. He just stood there for a whole second that dragged on forever, face pale, lips parting, and swallowed hard. 

“You know what?” He talked, his voice quieter now, suddenly much calmer. “I think... you ladies know exactly what you’re doing.” 

He took a single step backwards. The lantern rattled slightly on his shaky grip, and he almost dropped it. 

“I’ll, uh... leave you to it.” 

Jackie and Shauna looked over at each other again; a silent understanding that they’d both noticed the same thing. The words ‘we’re so fucked’ seemed to echo louder than ever in their minds now. 

Rushing heartbeats in sync — Jackie could feel Shauna’s pulse beat strongly through her arm’s veins, along with her muscles getting even stiffer. She quickly let go of it. 

Another beat.

The man gulped and stepped back once more. His boot shifted on a rock just as he was twisting his body to walk away.  

For a moment — a really short one — everything just stood still, like the world had gone frozen. None of them moved, the atmosphere lingered with tension. And then, it lingered even longer. 

But, after a second that seemed to stretch into eternity, almost out of nowhere—

Shauna bolted towards him.