Archive of Our Own ^beta

Han Jisung could count on his fingers the number of people he was comfortable with, but Minho was one.

When it came to friends, relationships, Jisung was often lost. He didn’t always get along well with people – a little too caught up in his own head, a little too quiet when he should speak and a little too loud when he shouldn’t. 

Minho was a rare exception, dragging him out of his dark hole to breathe in the outside air.

He met Minho as a freshman; Minho was a year older than him. His friend Felix had hit it off with Chan, who was Minho’s best friend. Jisung remembered seeing Minho for the first time, and realizing a face could be perfect.

Jisung didn’t warm to people easily, but once he entertained a conversation with Minho, instead of ignoring him, they immediately hit it off. He never felt as understood as he did by Minho.

Not that his other friends thought less of him, or didn’t accept him as he was; but they didn’t quite understand him in the way Minho seemed to. He knew when Jisung needed to be left alone and when Jisung needed company. He knew when Jisung needed a good meal and when Jisung needed a night of bingeing anime.

Over time, he knew when Jisung needed space, or when he needed a hug. Or even gentle fingers carding through his hair.

***

Jisung had a hard enough time with platonic relationships. But faced with the idea of dating, he was even more at a loss. And when it came to physical desires, just the concept of exploring them made him freeze up.

So in combination with his social anxiety – or perhaps they were related, who could say – he found himself just avoiding relationships. Maybe he was too broken, too lost, to foster anything naturally.

He knew he should talk to someone – a therapist, probably – but he was too embarrassed. Ashamed, even, for not knowing anything about himself or the world. He didn’t want to be judged or, worse, find that no one knew how to fix him.

He felt stuck, but it was easy enough to coast along, as the questions about his dating and sex life (or lack thereof) slowly dwindled over time, dissolved nearly entirely from conversations with his friends.

Maybe it was fine, like this.

***

But it wasn’t fine. 

There was something itching under his skin. 

If he tried to scratch the itch, it backfired on him, creating a wound instead of bringing relief. His inability to act, feel, be normal didn’t seem to be something he could overcome. 

But he still felt it, sometimes, when someone pretty was chatting him up at a party – even if  a hand on his thigh would cause him to involuntarily flinch, or suggestive words whispered in his ear would cause him to laugh awkwardly, muting the budding interest. 

He still felt it, when he saw his friends with other people, flirting or kissing or dancing, and wondered what he did so wrong to end up the way he was. 

And he felt it, sometimes, when he’d occasionally catch Minho’s eye at a party, the older boy’s face clearly flushed with post-orgasm bliss.

***

Even normal affection was hard for Jisung.

He was unprepared the first time Minho tried to initiate notable physical contact with him.

Minho squeezed his waist, making something unfamiliar zip up his spine, and Jisung felt himself jump.

Minho sent him a confused look. “Did I scare you?”

Jisung willed himself to stay still — tried to hide his awkwardness. “Just didn’t notice you got so close,” he lied.

Minho moved his hand away. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m not—” Jisung took a deep breath. “It’s fine, hyung, I was just surprised.” He grabbed Minho’s hand and put it back, emphasizing his point. Minho raised his eyebrows, but didn't try to move away again. Jisung felt himself grow more accustomed as the moment drew on, body relaxing.

After that, Minho was a bit more touchy. Not only did it get less awkward for Jisung over time – but he liked it. Found comfort in it. Felt a sense of belonging.

***

Their closeness grew over time, more quickly than Jisung thought possible. It was only months later when Jisung found himself melting into Minho’s arms, his body going lax against Minho’s chest. Jisung let out a content hum.

“Comfortable, honey?” Minho’s words were whispered near his ear.

Jisung nodded. Then did a double-take, whipping his head back to look at Minho.

“ Honey ? That’s…new.” Jisung wasn’t sure what Minho was playing at, but it made Jisung a little warm. Maybe that was weird.

Minho shrugged, a playful smile gracing his enviable features. “You’re sweet like honey. And it sounds like Hannie. And you like to stick to me.” 

“That’s so cheesy, hyung.”

“Would you rather me call you a brat?”

Jisung wasn’t going to think about that. Nope, not at all. Instead, Jisung just rolled his eyes.

“I won’t say it again if you don’t like it.” Minho’s voice sounded unsure, careful. It made something twinge in Jisung’s chest.

“No, it’s… kind of nice,” he allowed.If nice was the right word for what the term of endearment did to his stomach. Still he asked, “But isn’t it a bit strange to call your friend that?” 

Minho locked eyes with Jisung. “Do you think it’s strange?”

Jisung shook his head. Somehow, it didn’t feel strange at all.  

“I think it makes sense for us,” he whispered.

“Then that’s all that matters.”

Jisung responded to Minho’s small smile with one of his own. 

He never knew he needed someone like Minho in his life, but now he couldn’t imagine what he’d be like without him.

***

As they grew close, questions arose from those around them. Even their friends couldn’t quite understand the bond they had; it was special. Their friends labeled the two of them soulmates, and neither of them protested, so it stuck. 

Given all that, their friends assumed they were, or would be, a couple.

“We’re not a thing. I’m not his type. And he hooks up with people all the time,” Jisung grumbled after his friends teased him for the nth time.

“Not his type? Have you seen the boys he fucks?” Seungmin said offhand. Seungmin was Jisung’s roommate, and one of his closest friends; therefore, he was also friends with Minho. Hearing something like that from him was jarring.

He had seen some of the guys Minho would dance against, would walk out the door with, but he didn’t see the resemblance.

“Right? Hyung should just admit that Jisung is his ideal,” Felix agreed, painting a fingernail. “How do they look, Ji?”

“Guys. Minho is not attracted to me.”

They both looked at him as if to say: are you sure about that?

***

“How do you even know you’re gay, if you haven’t done anything?” 

Jisung had been asked this question during the first date he went on. The guy was someone he met during freshman orientation, and when he chatted Jisung up, eventually asking him to dinner, Jisung thought, why the hell not?

Somehow, the post-dinner conversation on their walk back to the dorms had drifted into the territory of “Have you ever had a boyfriend?” and “No? Hooked up with anyone, then?”

How do you even know you’re gay, if you haven’t done anything? 

Jisung looked away as the question rang in his head again. He knew who he was attracted to, even if he knew little else. He didn’t have to be fucked by a man to know he was interested.

In theory. Hypothetically. In a world where Jisung could deeply think about something like that. In an alternate universe where he could do something like that.

“Sometimes you just know.”

The boy – such an asshole, in retrospect – clapped his hands together, as if he figured everything out. “Have an interesting search history, Ji?”

Jisung grimaced. First of all, why was this guy he barely knew calling him by nicknames already? Second, hello? His porn-watching (or lack thereof) was definitely not the business of a guy he went on a date with once.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” Jisung rolled his eyes.

“I would,” the guy agreed simply. Jisung was so done with this situation. 

Luckily, they were back at the dorms, giving Jisung a natural out.

He ghosted the guy after that, avoiding his eyes whenever they passed by on campus. 

Eventually, the guy stopped trying to get Jisung’s attention. It was likely expedited by a few glares from Minho, which Jisung caught when Minho didn’t think he was looking. 

Minho had seemed pretty annoyed when Jisung had told him the story, after Minho found him spacing out during their movie night and pleaded for Jisung to share why he was upset.

Perhaps Minho had some kind of similar experience and was taking it personally. Or maybe, as Jisung’s soulmate, he felt obligated to be angry.

Either way, Jisung appreciated that Minho was there for him in these kinds of moments.

***

“Has Minho ever dated?” Jisung asked Chan after he had a drink’s worth of alcohol in his system one evening, when a bunch of their friends – minus Minho, who was visiting his parents for the weekend – gathered for an evening of video games and soju. 

Chan gave him a look that was stern, but not unkind. “Shouldn’t you be asking him that?” Jisung looked away, a bit ashamed. Chan sighed. “He used to. Early university days. But not in the last couple years really.”

Jisung frowned. “Did something happen?”

Chan shrugged. “Told me he got tired of it, that he didn’t feel like he wanted to deal with a relationship right now.”

Jisung nodded. He supposed he could understand, even if he didn’t totally relate. 

***

“Why don’t you date?” Jisung asked Minho one day not long after. They were studying at Jisung’s favorite cafe, and he had just seen a couple walk past them; the question had popped into his mind and taken over his brainspace. “I’ve seen you hook up with so many people, but you’ve never mentioned going on a date.”

Minho shrugged. “I just don’t feel like having a serious relationship right now.”

Jisung didn't know how to respond. He felt puzzled. Minho seemed like the type to value the people in his life, to make an effort where he felt it really mattered. Why was he so casual about this?

“Slut shaming me, Jisungie?” Minho smiled, but there was something off about it, as if he wasn’t fully joking.

Backtrack, backtrack.

“Never, hyung, you can obviously do whatever you want–” 

“Chill, Jisung, I was joking.” Minho grabbed Jisung’s hand – which apparently was raised in the air amidst his flailing – and pinned it down against the table. 

Jisung flipped his hand, so that they were palm-to-palm, relishing in the warmth. 

He took a breath. “I just… don’t want you to feel like I judge you, just because I don’t do shit.”

Minho smiled, and this time it was real. “Likewise. I want you to feel you can talk to me, you know? Whenever I bring it up, you seem nervous, but… If you do want to talk about it, there’s nothing to be worried about.”

Talking about it would make it real. And open himself to judgement. Not that Minho would think badly of him; but how could he understand? It didn’t even make sense to Jisung.

“I know, hyung, I appreciate it.” And he did. He just struggled to take Minho up on the offer.

***

Jisung was thankful when Minho was there for him, mere days later.

He remembers breaking down at the party; not completely, but in bits and pieces.

He had stumbled, vision blurry and stomach churning, into the nearest empty room he could find. 

Minho found him. Because of course he did. 

“Jisung-ah.” The sound of Minho’s voice made Jisung both relieved and ashamed.

Jisung heard the door close, noticed light illuminate the room. Minho sat down next to Jisung, on the floor of god-knows-who’s bedroom. 

“Hyung, please just go.” Jisung could barely get the words out, his face was stuffed so deep into his knees.

“I’m not leaving you like this, Jisung-ah. Sorry.”

A long pause.

“Can I hold you?” Minho asked. When Jisung nodded, Minho wrapped an arm around Jisung’s shoulders, drawing the younger boy towards him.

“You can tell me anything,” Minho murmured. “You don’t have to, but I want you to know that you can.”

“It won’t make any sense, hyung.”

“Aren’t we soulmates? Are you sure it won’t?” His voice was light, but it didn’t sound like a joke. It sounded akin to a plea.

Jisung took a deep breath. And then another.

“He tried to grind on me,” Jisung started, shutting his eyes tighter. “And I—I couldn’t. I tried, but it felt so invasive and my skin felt wrong, like there was something crawling under it. It was so bad I thought I was gonna throw up. A-and then he called me a prude, and his friend asked why I dressed like a slut when I couldn’t put out, and then the guy told me he’d fucked virgins before, and if I just listened—b-b-but I…I ran, hyung, and now I’m here.”

He couldn’t see Minho with his eyes squeezed shut; but he felt the older’s mood shift the air around them.

“I’m so sorry, honey,” Minho said quietly, holding him a bit tighter. “What the fuck, really. That’s blatant harassment. And even if they didn’t call you names, or threaten you, you shouldn’t be treated that way for having boundaries. Want me to beat them up?”

Jisung couldn’t even bring himself to laugh. 

“B-but I’m not just upset about that.” Jisung felt himself biting his lip. “Even if I want to try stuff, in theory, I can’t seem to make myself actually do it.”

Minho hummed, the sound vibrating through his body and Jisung’s. 

Jisung took it as a sign to continue. “I…it sounds dumb, but I wasn’t really… exposed to anything. Um, sexual. When I was growing up.” 

Oh god, was Jisung really going there? But he couldn’t stop, now that he started. He needed to tell someone, someone who would at least pretend he made sense. 

“My family didn’t talk about it much. Watching or reading stuff with those kinds of themes was seen as… perverted. And not even porn, but like, normal movies and things.” Jisung swallowed. The words wouldn’t stop escaping his throat. “And I didn’t have normal education on basic stuff. Like, I don’t even fully know how my own body works. And since I’m also so anxious, even someone touching me normally, much less sexually, is hard… which you’ve probably noticed.” Jisung mumbled the last part, pushing the heels of palms into his eyes. “This guy barely touched me, and I nearly had some kind of attack. And when I got made fun of, I did have an attack.

“How am I supposed to ever date anyone? Be with anyone?” Jisung’s hands moved to his hair, roughly curling in his own locks.

“Oh, Jisung-ah.” Minho sounded heartbroken. Did he pity him? Jisung was pitiable, wasn’t he? He wasn’t normal . But he didn’t want pity. He just didn’t want to be the way he was.

“See? I told you it’s weird, other people aren’t like this.” Jisung hid his face again, but Minho pried his hands away from his eyes. Waited for Jisung to meet his gaze.

“Just because I haven’t experienced that, doesn’t mean I don’t hear where you’re coming from,” Minho whispered, patting down Jisung’s disheveled hair. 

“I want to, I just don’t know… how.” Jisung sniffled. Great, his nose was running, how gross. “Sorry for complaining, hyung. I know you don’t have the answer.”

“I’m always here for you, Jisung-ah. Whenever you want to talk, about anything. Even though I may not have a good answer. I wish I could do more, but I’m sure you will get there.”

That makes one of us , Jisung thought.

***

Jisung remembered the first time he was taught the world was dirty.

“Mom, what’s an ‘orgasm’?” Young Jisung had asked, walking into his family’s kitchen after returning from a friend’s house.

His mom’s eyes flew up in shock, abruptly looking away from the stew she had previously been focused on. 

“Who taught you that word?”

“Jae’s brother said it, but I didn’t understand what it meant. But Jae seemed to, so I feel stupid–”

“That’s a dirty word. I didn’t know he was like that.” Her fingernails clicked against the counter.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want him getting you into perverted things. You’re not going over there again.”

“But mom–”

“Seriously, sweetie, some of these kids are into all kinds of things. Makes you wonder what the parents are doing.”

Jisung knew now that his friend likely wasn’t perverted; he was just being a young boy. But, at the time? Jisung didn’t know anything. He was just mad that he lost a friend, and became more isolated at school because of it.

***

Jisung often recalls a time he was bullied for being awkward about intimate touch. He was in high school, and a bunch of his classmates got together to do karaoke. Jisung loved singing, loved rapping, so wouldn’t it be fun to join?

He was wrong. He didn’t even make it to karaoke.

They started with lunch in a park, boxes of fried chicken and bags of chips spread out around the dozen or so students.

Someone suggested they play Truth or Dare. Juvenile, but enough people bought in for the whole group to agree.

Jisung chose Truth, because Dare was too risky.

“Have you ever kissed anyone?”

He could have lied and said yes, but then he would have had to fabricate something, which would make him anxious and lead to rambling. Plus, Jisung wasn’t a liar.

“No…” he mumbled, pulling at a few blades of grass, an unconscious, embarrassing move.

“Lip virgin!” A girl exclaimed. 

When it was that girl’s turn, she chose Dare. 

“Kiss Jisung.”

Jisung scrambled backward. That was pretty fucked up. Not that he was super attached to saving his first kiss, or anything, but he didn’t even really know this girl. And there was an audience. Of people making fun of him.

“Well, he is pretty cute, if you ignore the haircut.”

“I–I think there should be more rules to this game,” Jisung managed, fisting the fabric of his jeans, eyes focused on his shoelaces.

“We shouldn’t force him. I told you he’s gay,” someone commented.

He remembered that day, too, as another time he was teased for being gay. Although his discomfort with touch went beyond that.

“Then I dare you to kiss him!” The girl said to one of their male classmates. “...on the cheek, at least.”

Jisung jumped up, turning around and walking away before he could hear the answer. It didn’t stop him from hearing the laughter, though, or the teasing calls to come back.

***

It didn’t help his comfort level, or knowledge base, when his few friends throughout his teenage years assumed he wouldn’t want to talk about anything related to sex. They usually kept it PG around him, which, at the time, he thought was proper. Normal. Some of his other classmates were just perverted, ruled by hormones allowed to run around uncontrolled. The theme continued even into college.

“And then he—”

“Felix,” Hyunjin chided, glancing at Jisung. 

What the fuck?

As three were catching up over pizza, Felix had begun sharing details – perhaps too many, but that was Felix for you – about his “life-changing” night with Chan. After going after Chan for a while, it seemed Felix had achieved his goal.

Jisung narrowed his eyes at Hyunjin. “Go on, Lix, I’m listening.”

“Oh sorry Jisung, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable—” Felix held his hands up in apology, some of his blonde bangs falling into his eyes.

They really didn’t understand.

Jisung groaned. “I’m not—god. Can you guys just be normal with me? Just because I’m a sad virgin doesn’t mean I want you guys to feel you can’t share stuff with me. It’s fine .”

And it was fine. Sure, Jisung couldn’t relate to such sexual experiences, but as long as he wasn’t implicated, it didn’t make him feel sick. And even if he did have a problem hearing such stories, he could tell them himself. His friends making assumptions without even asking really pissed him off. Perhaps he was too hard on them, but he was tired. His already short fuse had been whittled down as of late by his failed attempts to start anything with anyone without feeling like he would implode. 

***

Despite his anxiety and low alcohol tolerance, Jisung continued to go to parties here and there. He felt it was part of the college experience, and an opportunity to meet new people – and boys , his brain supplied – with the safety net of his friends under the same roof.

Still, Jisung would find himself in uncomfortable situations. Like now, as a game of “never have I ever” was proposed. Definitely not Jisung’s favorite, but also not a surprise.

He watched as his friends and a number of others started to gather in a sloppy circle on the floor. “Want to go somewhere else, Jisungie?” Minho whispered in his ear, having snuck up behind him at some point. “I know you’re not a fan of this game.”

That was putting it mildly. It made Jisung feel like an alien. Not fit for this world. Something a little off about his DNA, making him incompatible.

Still, Jisung felt his jaw clench in anger, and a desire to defend his pride overtook his senses.

“You don’t need to baby me.” The way Jisung crossed his arms as he said this, though, belatedly struck him as a bit juvenile.

Minho sighed. “Sorry. I’m not trying to, I just want you to enjoy yourself.”

Rolling his eyes, Jisung took a step towards the group, taking a large breath as he braced himself for a night of humiliation. 

Minho grabbed his wrist. Stubborn as usual. “Wouldn’t you rather spend time with your favorite hyung?”

Jisung gestured to their friends. “Don’t you want to play?”

“And hear about everything those freaks get up to in their free time?” Minho’s face contorted into a false show of disgust. “No thanks.”

Jisung didn’t laugh; he knew Minho’s excuse was for his benefit. 

But he also knew that if he gave in, Minho would let him crash his apartment, eat his favorite snacks, and binge either the latest anime or their backlog of bad horror flicks. That did seem more appealing than having all his insecurities paraded before a crowd of people.

Fuck it. Jisung moved Minho’s hands so their fingers could intertwine. Despite himself, he found the smallest smile growing on his face. “Fine, I guess I can keep you company so you don’t get lonely.”

***

When they reached Minho’s apartment, Jisung found himself in his head again. He should just enjoy the night. But he still felt something nagging in the back of his mind, refusing to take no for an answer.

“Do you want to talk?” Minho asked from next to him on the sofa. Jisung’s overthinking was probably rolling off him in waves.

Jisung stared at the blank TV screen; they had turned it on, but hadn’t made it to selecting a video. He leaned against Minho, next to him on the sofa.

“I guess… I just. Our friends. They don’t understand.” 

“What don’t they understand, honey?”

“That I… what I want. They assume they know, but they don’t. I don’t even know, really. And how will I ever know, when I never experience anything? But I can’t bring myself to be comfortable with anything, with anyone. I just feel lost,” Jisung admitted. He buried his face into Minho’s neck, something that had taken him a while to get comfortable with.

Minho squeezed his arm around Jisung’s shoulder. “You’ll find someone who will take care of you, I believe in it.”

Jisung moved his head back so he could properly speak. 

“I haven’t even kissed anyone.” It sounded embarrassing; he was well into college. But it wasn’t anything Minho didn’t know. “My starting point is too far behind.”  

A few seconds of silence passed, feeling like an eternity. 

Then, Minho brought a hand to Jisung’s face. Swiped his thumb over Jisung’s lower lip slowly. Jisung felt frozen, except for that one place of contact. 

When they locked eyes, Jisung felt like he was in freefall. No idea where or how to land. How was he supposed to have been prepared for this kind of situation?

Minho leaned closer. So close that Jisung could nearly count his eyelashes. Had he ever been that close to Minho before? To anyone who wasn’t his family, really?

“Am I making you uncomfortable, honey?” Minho asked, his breath caressing Jisung’s lips. Jisung managed to avoid flinching, but only because Minho’s touch was so familiar to him. Welcome. If it were anyone else, Jisung would probably have flown halfway across the room by now.

“No.” The words were out before Jisung could even think. But they weren’t untrue. He blew out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding in. “I just… I don’t know what I’m doing, hyung.”

“You’re wrong, thinking you need to have certain experience, or act a certain way, because it’s somehow expected. But I know this is bothering you. So if you want…” Minho looked away briefly, seemingly gathering his thoughts. 

Something buzzed under Jisung’s skin, but he wasn’t sure what. A sign, perhaps, of what was to come.

And sure enough, a second later, Minho shattered Jisung’s reality with a few words. 

“I could show you.”

Jisung was sure he would have fallen off the couch, if Minho wasn’t holding him. 

“What?” Jisung couldn’t recall any other words at the moment. Show him? Show him what? Was he hallucinating? 

“You told me you’re struggling to explore what you want because it’s unfamiliar. Because you weren’t taught to be comfortable with it. Because you haven’t had a chance to learn your own body,” Minho summarized. Minho wasn’t wrong, but having it said so directly and succinctly made him feel small.

“I’m not a charity case,” Jisung mumbled. 

“This isn’t charity. You’re my best friend, Jisung. I want you to be happy, to feel like you can live how you want,” Minho said seriously, before lightening his tone. “Plus, you’re cute.”

Jisung swallowed. He couldn’t believe he was considering this. But who else in the world would judge him as little as Minho did? Who could sense small shifts in his emotions? Who wouldn’t hold it against Jisung if he was terrible at anything? Who would do the best he could to genuinely help Jisung?

“I want to help, honey.” Minho grabbed Jisung’s hand, stopping the abuse of his cuticle. “But only if you want me to.”

Whether Jisung liked it or not, the seed had been planted in his head, the idea growing and spinning off in a hundred directions, so fast and frantic it made him dizzy. 

Would Minho touch him… in those kinds of ways? Situations and actions he didn’t know how to handle, many experiences he couldn’t even bring himself to fully think about. Light shining on how little he truly understood.

Really, he was feeling a bit lightheaded. He closed his eyes for a moment.

“Jisung,” he heard Minho say, the older boy wrapping his arms around him. “Breathe with me.”

Jisung opened his eyes in shock, watched Minho grab his hand to place it on his own chest. So Jisung could feel Minho’s inhales and exhales.

Jisung kind of wanted to cry. But he listened to Minho, focused on the pace of his breathing and the feel of Minho’s soft sweater under his fingertips.

“I’m sorry, hyung, this is embarrassing,” Jisung muttered after he calmed down a bit, burying his face into Minho’s chest so he didn’t have to meet his eyes.

“It’s not embarrassing, honey. Is that why you’re crying?”

Jisung nodded, not trusting his voice. 

“It’s just me, Jisung-ah. Look at me.”

Jisung took another deep breath against Minho’s chest, working up the courage.

When Jisung pulled back, their eyes locked, and he caught the exact moment Minho’s eyes flicked down to his lips.

“Can I try something?”

Jisung nodded, his grip in Minho’s sweater tightening. 

He knew where this was going. He worried he wouldn’t be able to handle it, too broken to experience and feel normally. But he was far too curious, too desperate, too deprived to stop it.

When Minho’s lips touched his, it didn’t feel uncomfortable at all.

It felt like his Minho, except more. Closer.

It felt like a miracle.

When Minho retreated after a brief moment, their lips separating with a sweet pop, Jisung found his hands grabbing for Minho’s face.

He couldn’t look Minho in the eye when he asked, “Can you do that again, hyung?”

“Whatever you want, you just need to ask, sweet boy.”

And then Minho was kissing him again. Short, small kisses, making Jisung’s head feel like he was in the clouds. 

He couldn’t believe Minho was giving him this. That he was able to accept what Minho gave without fleeing, or feeling ill.

He wrapped his arms around Minho’s neck, silently begging him to stay close. 

“Can I go further, honey?” Minho murmured against his lips.

And Jisung definitely wanted to know what Minho would give him next, if something so chaste was already making him feel so good. He wouldn’t have trusted anyone else; but this was Minho.

Jisung whispered his “yes” against Minho’s mouth, their lips brushing and making Jisung shiver. But for once, it wasn’t in disgust, or discomfort; it was in anticipation. The movement made Minho’s fingers twitch where he held Jisung’s face.

Minho’s tongue teased against Jisung’s lips. The younger opened his mouth slightly, instinctively welcoming the intrusion.

Jisung never knew tonguing could be so sweet. He never imagined he would get to feel this close to Minho, must less get to taste him.

Minho gently explored Jisung’s mouth while the younger felt too stunned to function.

Jisung didn’t know how to move, how to kiss properly back; but Minho seemed unfazed by his uncertainty, adapting to Jisung’s awkward movements (or lack of movement) with ease. Minho rubbed a soothing circle against Jisung’s hip, helping him relax into his touch.

When Minho pulled back slightly, spit still connected their mouths together.  

It should be gross, but Jisung was entranced. Obsessed, even. He wasn’t accustomed to entertaining his urges. But with Minho, maybe he could cross the line.

He couldn’t be held accountable for his actions under such circumstances. 

Jisung licked at the string of saliva between them, pushed it into Minho’s mouth with his own tongue.

Minho let out a surprised moan, gripping his hip harder. 

Jisung tried to move his tongue in the same way as Minho, but knew he wasn’t quite getting it right; but that was okay, because Minho’s hand gripped his jaw and tilted his head just so, licked into Jisung’s mouth to teach him again.

At some point – too soon, in Jisung’s opinion – Minho broke away.

“Let’s stop here for today?” Minho asked, voice a bit broken. 

Jisung was about to protest – God, how desperate was he? – but then he processed Minho’s full question. 

He cleared his throat. “Um. For…today?” The words came out shaky, matching the anxious vibrations of his body. Today . What about tomorrow, then? The next day? Was this not a one-off moment of Minho comforting his anxious, virgin self?

“If you want, we can try things another time.”

Try… things. With Minho. His best friend must think him so helpless, so in need of someone’s sympathy.

“What. Minho-hyung. What.” Jisung almost laughed, incredulous. “You don’t have to—” Minho pressed a finger against Jisung’s lips, silencing him.

“I want you to feel like you can become comfortable with yourself, Jisung-ah. And if you think I can help you through the process… I’m around. If you want.”

Minho made it sound so easy. Like he was offering to pick up something for Jisung at the store. Was it that simple, for him? Like lifting a finger?

But also–

“Why would you even want to…” Jisung was approaching hysteria. Unable to even complete his sentence. The whole situation was crazy talk.

“Are you really trying to understand how my mind works now, Han Jisung?” Minho teased, ruffling Jisung’s hair. “Obviously, we don’t have to do anything. We can totally forget this conversation entirely. But if you want to, just ask. And if I don’t want to, I’ll tell you. Okay?” 

Easy for Minho to say. Forget what just happened? Or figure out what he wanted, and bring himself to ask for it? 

Still, Jisung nodded. Not trusting his voice.

Minho cleared his throat, almost looking nervous. “Well, it might be good to head to bed soon. But we still have plans tomorrow, right?”

Jisung smiled, watching Minho stand up and walk towards his closet. 

“Of course, hyung, you agreed to buy me cheesecake.” 

Minho laughed. Threw a blanket at Jisung, the one he used when he (frequently) crashed on Minho’s sofa.

“Oh, and by the way?” At Minho’s voice, Jisung looked up. “You have nothing to worry about, being inexperienced. Fastest learner I’ll ever know.” Minho winked.

***

True to his word, Minho acted normal the next day. When Jisung walked into their usual cafe – after stopping by his dorm to shower and change – Minho was already paying for them. Of course, he knew Jisung’s typical order, and of course, he’d insist on paying. Even if he’d grumble about it later.

“I’ll buy next time, hyung,” Jisung greeted, sneaking up behind Minho.

The older boy just rolled his eyes and waved Jisung’s words off. “Take it as payment for the next terrible horror movie I’ll drag you to.”

***

And so life went on as usual. Except, in Jisung’s mind, it didn’t feel like usual. At times, he would find himself looking at Minho’s lips, or thinking about how Minho’s tongue felt against his own. It was strange, realizing that he could have such feelings. That he could feel warm, and not uneasy, at the thought of being touched by someone that way. Sure, he was embarrassed and felt a little out of his element, but he didn’t feel sick or unbearably awkward, didn’t feel the urge to pull away. And he trusted Minho more than anyone else.

Jisung knew Minho would kiss him again, if he asked. But a week had passed, and he hadn’t been able to fully understand what he wanted, or work up the courage to ask.

“Ji!” Felix’s voice caused Jisung to nearly fall out of his chair, having been caught up in his daydreams while pretending to study.

“God, you scared me, Lix.”

The blonde made a face of false annoyance. “We agreed to meet, why are you surprised?” 

The two made their way to the library cafe, grabbing a table in the corner. Jisung threw his backpack down, various books flying out. Great, now he didn’t even have the wherewithal to remember to zip up his bag. 

“You okay there?” Felix giggled, but there was a hint of sincerity in the question.

“Fine. What about you? You’re apparently more put together than me at the moment.”

“Well, I am doing better now that I spotted a certain someone across the room…”

Chan. Jisung didn’t even need to look to know who it was. He snorted.

“Wow, and here I was thinking I brightened your day,” Jisung muttered.

“You bring more of a loveable emo edge to my day.”

“Thanks, Lix.”

Felix blew him a kiss.

God. That only made him think of his makeout with Minho again. He needed an intervention, but he was not about to share details with Felix. Jisung knew he cared, and was well-intentioned, but he worried Felix would leap to Jisung and Minho being an item, or hooking up in secret or something, and he didn't feel like he had the capacity to try to explain yet.

He did feel bad from keeping it from his friends, though. But not bad enough to deal with the awkwardness and embarrassment of trying to explain, the feeling of shame at having to explain how he felt broken.

“There’s a party at his frat soon. You should come. I can make you up all pretty,” Felix cooed. The blonde looked so excited that Jisung couldn’t say no. 

Jisung wondered if he would feel any different at the party after his kiss with Minho. Would he be more comfortable dancing? Experience the urge to feel another body against his own? He bit his lip, unconvinced.

***

One day, Jisung decided to just rip the bandaid off. His curiosity, his want, would eat him from the inside if he didn’t.

They were studying quietly on the sofa, Minho’s nose in a textbook and Jisung doodling in the margins of a notebook.

“Minho-hyung,” Jisung started, twisting slightly towards the other boy. “Would you, um, kiss me again? Maybe?” Jisung looked nervously at the other boy, waiting.

Minho looked up, blinking. After a moment, he smiled – a little teasing, but not unkind – and placed his book on the coffee table. “Get in my lap, honey, let’s make out,” Minho demanded, patting his thigh.

Jisung couldn’t help but let out a gasp. What had he gotten himself into? He had seen Minho flirt with other people – albeit from afar – but he never imagined he would be subject to this side of his friend.

Minho chuckled, something dark lacing the sound. Before he could chicken out, Jisung scrambled into Minho’s lap, bracketing Minho’s hips with his knees. 

A look of shock passed through Minho’s face before he tamped it down. Did he not expect Jisung to listen? Oh god, was Minho joking ? Did he make a complete, utter fool of himself?

“You listen well.” Minho’s voice cut off his anxious spiral. Relieved, Jisung’s body relaxed a bit, settling into Minho’s lap.

Minho looked down at their laps with unreadable eyes. Jisung was suddenly far too aware of every part of Minho that was touching him. Too concerned about how Minho thought Jisung felt against him. 

Jisung knew he was shaking with nerves. Something in his chest felt trapped.

Minho grabbed his unsteady hands with his own. “If you’re uncomfortable, just tell me, Jisung-ah. I won’t judge. I want this to be good for you.”

I want this to be good for you. What if Minho said that in a different situation, maybe something where he was also in his lap but had less clothes and–

Jisung ducked his head into Minho’s neck, face flushed. God, he was so embarrassed. All it took was a simple touch from his best friend and he was already thinking about inappropriate situations. 

“Just…kiss me, hyung, maybe I’ll feel better.”

Minho groaned before capturing Jisung’s lips. Jisung couldn’t help but let out a throaty, desperate noise as Minho sucked on his tongue, his arms winding tighter around Minho’s neck and bringing them impossibly closer. 

It felt… good. Better than good. So good that as they kept kissing, he felt heat growing in his abdomen.

Oh god, they had to stop, or else Jisung was going to pop a boner. He could not handle that. 

Suddenly, he was pushing against Minho’s chest, scrambling off his lap and sliding to the other end of the coach. Minho sat unmoving, shock painted over his features.

“I’m sorry, hyung, I know I asked but–”

“You never need to apologize, honey.” It wasn’t pity in Minho’s words, but concern.

“I-I want to but also it feels kinda wrong to want to.” Jisung realized he had covered his face with his hands at some point. 

Minho pulled Jisung’s hands away from his face to meet his eyes. “What do you mean by wrong, honey?”

Jisung thought about how to put it into words, but ultimately gave up. “I’m just, like…broken. Why am I such a mess?” 

A moment of silence passed before Minho responded.

“Jisung. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But if you want to do something, you have to offer yourself patience. Everyone has their challenges to face, there is nothing wrong with having your own.”

Jisung nodded. It made sense, logically, but it still felt like his struggles were silly.

“Now, how about we eat some cake and watch anime in bed, hmm?”

Jisung peaked through his fingers. “Cake?”

Minho’s laugh made Jisung’s heart feel lighter. “Yes, something sweet for my sweet boy.”

“Creepy, hyung.”

“You don’t think so.”

No, Jisung didn’t. 

***

When Jisung woke up the next morning, he felt strange.

Everything felt hot, stifling.

He was hard.

Oh god , he was hard, and he had fallen asleep in Minho’s bed.

He was hard, and his boner was pressed against Minho’s leg.

He felt disgusting. Creepy. Why was he getting like this in his not uncommon, totally innocent situation with his friend? He didn’t know how to deal with himself in normal situations, much less under the pressure of escaping this.

He looked at Minho’s face, hoping the other was still asleep.

Instead, he saw the older boy already staring at him.

“Ah, good morning hyung, sorry I fell asleep here. I’ll just be going then, see you later—”

“Jisung,” Minho cut him off, “are you crying?”

He didn’t even realize that tears of shame had gathered in his eyes.

“Allergies.” 

Minho pursed his lips. “I’m not trying to embarrass you. The opposite, actually. There’s nothing to shed tears over, you’re fine.”

“Sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing? It’s natural, Jisungie.”

Jisung couldn’t bring himself to respond. He felt his lip wobble as he tried to contain his emotions.

“I’m going to ask you a very personal question, so you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, alright?” 

Now Jisung was scared.

“How often do you get yourself off?” Minho asked, as if he was asking anything else.

“What?” Jisung wasn’t sure he heard right. Was hoping he didn’t.

“I asked how often you masturbate.”

“I…” Jisung threw his face in his palms.

Minho brought a hand to his back. “Jisung, it’s not embarrassing, it’s normal—”

“I’m not normal. I don’t... I’m not sure how to do it properly, and when I try it feels wrong, like I shouldn't be doing it. I don’t know what’s the matter with me, I just can’t seem to—”

“Breathe with me, honey.”

Jisung was panicking again, and Minho caught it before he even could.

When he eventually calmed down, he found Minho had sat him properly up in bed, had placed one arm across his back, stroking up and down his arm. Jisung didn’t need Minho to ask if he was okay to know the older boy was thinking it. But he needed time to process. 

“I, um, should probably go home,” Jisung said lamely, scrambling out of bed and looking around for where he threw his clothes the night before.

“Let me walk you?” 

“That’s okay, hyung.”

Minho accepted that he needed some time to think.

***

When he got back to his dorm, his roommate was home. Seungmin looked up from his laptop. 

“How was your date with Minho-hyung?”

Jisung rolled his eyes. He hadn’t told Seungmin what was going on, but it wasn’t uncommon for his friends to joke about his friendship with Minho.

“Fuck off, Seungmin.”

But the mention of Minho, of dating, made Jisung think about what he had just done with Minho. Made him think a little of other things they could do. In theory. Hypothetically.

***

Thoughts kept tangling up in his head. He still couldn’t shake them as he ate instant ramen with Seungmin after class the next day. Playing with the noodles in his bowl, he looked nervously at his roommate.

“Are we about to have an awkward conversation?” Seungmin’s voice broke the silence. Seungmin was always eerily aware of what was going on with the people around him.

Jisung clenched his jaw. “No.”

Seungmin sighed. “Let’s just get it over with, Jisung.”

“Have you had sex?”

Seungmin was surprisingly unfazed.

“No.”

The answer didn’t totally shock Jisung; Seungmin wasn’t the type to be scoping out a party for a hookup, nor had Jisung seen him go on many dates. Jisung didn’t feel like Seungmin was quite like him, though. Maybe he was judging unfairly – which he hated being done to him, so what the hell, Han Jisung – but Seungmin seemed more comfortable in his skin than Jisung. Even in similar situations.

“But you want to?” Jisung questioned, his voice a bit smaller.

Maybe that was a silly question. But something told him he could ask the boy in front of him. Even if Seungmin could have a harsh, dry sense of humor, he was always direct and honest with Jisung when it mattered.

“Actually? Not really. Maybe I would do it. But I don’t particularly want to.”

Seungmin didn’t want to have sex? 

Jisung wasn’t sure if that was the case for himself, though.

“Oh.” Great response, Han Jisung.

“Why are you asking? Are you not interested in sex?” Seungmin sounded mildly curious. Jisung was glad Seungmin was entertaining the conversation, even if it was kind of painful, so he pushed ahead.

“I don’t… know, I guess. I think I do, but I don’t really… know how to be comfortable with it,” Jisung struggled to explain, continuing to fidget with his chopsticks.

Seungmin nodded. “Everyone is different. Sometimes you just have to figure it out along the way. And you don’t have to box yourself into one category or another.” He took a breath. “Do what’s best for you. Who cares what anyone else thinks.”

Jisung laughed. “It isn’t even about other people, most of the time. It’s about me.”

“Well then, let yourself discover what you want.” Seungmin made it sound so simple. Jisung wished it could be. But still, all of his friend’s words made him feel a little less alone, reassured him that he wasn’t doing something wrong and that it was okay to be confused.

“Thank you, Seungminnie, you’re the best.” Jisung pulled him into a hug. Another one of the few people he felt comfortable embracing.

Seungmin huffed before lightly reciprocating.

“If Minho-hyung tries something, just be sure to tell him to take it easy with you.” 

Jisung sputtered. “He doesn’t—we’re not—”

“No? Well, I figure it may happen, given he looks at you like you’re his favorite meal.” 

Jisung slapped Seungmin’s arm as he cackled. 

***

“You know…I was talking with someone who said they weren’t interested in sex.” Jisung’s comment probably seemed out of nowhere, impulsively blurted out as they ate Minho’s kimchi jjigae in his kitchen the next afternoon. 

Yet Minho took it in stride. “That is true, for some people, and perfectly valid,” he responded. “But that’s not how you feel though, is it, Jisung-ah?”

Jisung felt his eyes go wider; pinned down by Minho’s gaze, he felt transparent. 

“I-I don’t think so, hyung,” Jisung replied after a moment, pushing around the soup in his bowl. 

Minho waited for Jisung to continue, a heavy pause filling the room.

“Can I watch you?” The words tumbled out of Jisung’s mouth, coerced by the tension he felt between them. Minho’s eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. 

Well, if Jisung started asking the question, he might as well finish it, or else Minho would bully it out of him eventually.

“Can I… watch. How you touch yourself,” Jisung clarified.

Minho dropped his spoon, the metal clattering loudly on the table. Jisung winced. Oh god, he really went and asked that, didn’t he?

Jisung watched in fascination as Minho’s ears turned red and he pointedly looked at the droplets of soup he was wiping off the table, rather than meeting eyes with Jisung.

After pretending to clean the table for a couple moments too long, Minho cleared his throat. 

“You… want to?” The question was full of disbelief.

Why would he ask his best friend that? That wasn’t something you just asked, as if it wasn’t a big deal, right? Was he going to freak Minho out?

“Is that weird? Oh my god, I should just like, look up a streamer or something, right? This is totally creepy of me. I don’t know why I asked something like that of you—”

“Jisung. That wasn’t a no.” 

“I’m sorry— oh .”

“It’s okay to be curious. It just caught me off guard.”

Of course Minho wouldn’t expect Jisung to ask that. When had Jisung ever shown interest in doing something sexual with someone, and his own friend at that?

But Jisung had thought about it. He didn’t know what he should do, wasn’t sure what was normal to do, and he didn’t want to struggle blind, or look to a stranger. But surely Minho knew what he was doing, and he implied that he did such things the other day, right? So it wasn’t totally unreasonable that Jisung would ask. Right?

Scratch that, Jisung sounded insane.

After a moment, Minho spoke again. “Everyone likes to be touched differently though, so you’ll have to learn for yourself. But if you want to watch what I do…” Minho’s ears grew impossibly redder. Jisung would have found it cute, if the situation were different. “You can.”

“Really, hyung? Thank you!” Jisung jumped out of his chair to envelope Minho in a hug.

“You’re lucky I’m into cute doe-eyed boys staring at me.”

***

After dinner, they sat down to watch their previously agreed-upon movie, but Jisung wasn’t really watching.

“So, um, when…” Jisung trailed off, totally interrupting the film. How could Minho be acting so nonchalant, watching a damn video after what Jisung had asked of him? After what Minho had agreed to?

Even though Jisung struggled to ask the question, Minho knew what he was referring to. So Minho didn’t forget, after all. 

“When would you like to? Should we schedule an appointment?” Minho joked. Jisung punched his arm lightly. Was this funny to him?

“Hyung, don’t be mean.” Jisung pouted, sticking his lower lip out.

“I’m not mean, I spoil you. So I’m leaving it up to you.”

“But…” Jisung mumbled, looking down. “I don’t want to make the decision.” The words were out of Jisung’s mouth before he realized how true they were. He didn’t know how to choose correctly. He always felt like he selected the wrong option.

“Honey, you need me to decide for you?”

Jisung nodded.

He heard a quiet fuck exit Minho’s mouth.

“Normally I’d say let’s first finish the movie, yada yada, and then get in the mood, but I don’t think either of us will be able to pay attention now. Am I right?”

Jisung nodded again.

Then Minho was grabbing his hand, leading him towards his bedroom. Jisung stumbled after, letting himself be pulled. Minho let go of Jisung’s hand when they crossed into his bedroom, climbing onto the mattress and sitting up against his headboard. 

Jisung hadn’t moved from the doorway. Minho’s dark eyes met his. 

“I–where should…”

“Make yourself comfortable, honey. Wherever you want. Although if you’re next to me, you probably can get more of a first-person angle…” Minho blushed. Despite how he acted, Jisung realized that Minho was a little embarrassed, too.

“Is that not weird for you?” Jisung mumbled. He was surprised Minho could even hear him.

“Jisung-ah. I’m telling you, none of this is weird to me.” Although Minho’s words were meant to be reassuring, Jisung still felt anxious. But Minho struck him as a bit eager, and Jisung latched onto that. 

“...Are you into this, hyung?” He teased, attempting to mask his nervousness.

Minho merely responded with a feline smile. Jisung bit his lip, not sure how to react to the intensity of Minho’s gaze. 

“I’m going to start, okay?” Minho asked after a moment. Jisung nodded in response. 

Minho pushed his sweatpants down and wiggled out of his briefs, the fabric bunching up above his knees. Oh god. That was his best friend’s dick. Jisung knew he was staring. How was he supposed to react during a moment like this? He forced his eyes up, but Minho wasn’t looking at him. 

Minho’s breathing faltered slightly as he worked a hand over himself. Jisung felt shy, but couldn’t help but focus on Minho’s face, red with what was likely both embarrassment and arousal. He had a little pout on his lips that Jisung kind of wanted to touch.

Minho let out a little “ah” sound when he looked up and caught Jisung looking. Well, looking was too mild of a term. Jisung was staring, blatantly entranced by the sight in front of him. 

At first, he felt a little sick, like he was doing something he shouldn’t; but when Minho smiled at him, flushed and eyes shining, he felt his discomfort ease. 

“Are you watching what I’m doing, honey?” 

“Yes, hyung, I just got distracted… god, you just look so pretty right now.” Fuck. What was Jisung saying?

Minho let out a surprised laugh, ears growing impossibly redder. “Enjoy the show then, but make sure you catch everything, so we can help you out, hmm?”

Jisung thought he would have to stop himself from looking away in awkwardness, but instead he found his eyes trained on the way Minho hand stroked over his length. His face was still scrunched up slightly in thought, or concentration.

Jisung never thought he could look at a scene like this and find it hot. The couple of times he had dared to look at porn, he just felt sick, closing out of the tab before the video had run its course.

But this vision of Minho was lighting something up inside him.

Minho kept moving his hand, frequently glancing up to look at Jisung. So it wasn’t surprising that the growing hardness in Jisung’s pants didn’t escape Minho’s eyes.

“Jisung,” Minho gasped, hand stilling momentarily. Oh god, Minho’s raspy voice went straight to his dick, definitely not something Jisung was used to. “You can touch yourself too, if you want,” Minho continued, eyes snapping up to catch Jisung’s. 

For a moment, Jisung stopped breathing.  

“Isn’t that a little…” he trailed off. Weird? Abnormal? Too much for friends? He wasn’t sure.

Minho held Jisung’s gaze. “I think it would be hot,” he whispered. 

Suddenly, the room was far too warm, his pants too uncomfortable. Well, they’d already come this far…

Avoiding Minho’s eyes, Jisung slid down his bottoms partway, pulling out his own cock. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Minho lick his lips. What the fuck.

Until very recently, Jisung would have expected to feel weird about it. But he didn’t feel weird at all. He found he just kind of wanted to kiss Minho.

“Go on,” Minho encouraged. He seemed to have slowed down to wait for the younger. Jisung felt a bit jittery at the thought, part nervousness and part anticipation.

Taking a deep breath, Jisung squeezed some lube into his hand and tried his best to mimic Minho’s motions. 

Everything felt new and weird. It wasn’t something he was told he could do before, and not something he had ever fully allowed himself. He didn’t feel very skilled, his strokes stilted, unsure. Still, he felt a bit of something building inside, propelled by the sounds falling from the other boy’s lips and the wet noises occupying the room. But even then, it didn’t seem like enough. A noise of frustration left his lips unbidden.

Minho’s fucked out voice cut through the tense air. “Honey, if you want to move over here, hyung will show you.”

Wasn’t Minho already showing him?

“Go where? I’m right here?”

“You can lean against my chest. If–if you want.” Minho clumsily removed his pants fully, throwing them in a random direction. His hands were shaking; Jisung wasn’t sure if it was from nerves, or arousal.

Jisung thought his own trembling was probably a combination of both.

Nervously, he scooted into the space Minho had made between his legs, unable to think, only able to follow the directions coming out of Minho’s mouth.

He felt Minho’s still hard dick against his back, wetness seeping through his t-shirt. God, why did he like it? 

“Is… is this too much? Sorry, I shouldn’t have suggested—” 

“It’s fine, hyung.” Jisung cut off Minho’s worried rambling, something that was pretty unusual for the older boy. Jisung was in the rare position of reassuring his hyung, but in doing so, he realized how much he meant it. It was more than fine; he really wanted to try. 

“Okay, if you’re sure. Then…can I… try to touch you?” Minho’s voice sounded so wrecked, like he wanted this almost as much as Jisung did.

Jisung nodded.

“Words, honey.”

“Yes, hyung.”

“Good boy,” Minho whispered, winding an arm around Jisung’s body to grasp the younger’s cock. Jisung wasn’t sure if the noise he made was in response to Minho’s words or his hand. Likely, it was the deadly combination of both.

Minho, to his credit, didn’t tease Jisung about it.

He seemed to hesitate. “Everyone has preferences, honey, so you’ll have to guide me based on how you feel. Especially because I can’t see your face well. Can you do that?”

Jisung nodded. Minho tsk-ed.

“Y-yeah, I can try.” Jisung replied.

Minho hummed. He started with a light touch, a loose hold. Jisung wiggled nervously.

Minho moaned, the sound almost making Jisung shiver. Fuck. He made Minho do that?

Minho took Jisung’s frozen body the wrong way. “Sorry, you’re just moving against my dick, I didn’t think this through clearly—”

“O-oh. No, it’s okay hyung, you sound…” 

“How do I sound?” The playful edge was back in Minho’s voice; Jisung much preferred it to the worried tone it held before.

“Um, I think it’s kind of hot that I made you moan like that.”

Jisung’s blood must have flown entirely south, because what was he saying?

Minho chuckled lightly, gasping a bit when the movement caused them to brush together again. “I’m glad.”

In the interim, Jisung had started feeling less awkward with Minho’s hand on him. When Minho started moving up and down Jisung’s shaft, little noises started escaping his own mouth.

“So pretty,” Minho whispered in his ear, swiping a finger over the damp head of his cock. 

Jisung gasped louder. It already felt so different from the few times he had tried to do it himself. Minho knew how to twist his hand, move his fingers, to make Jisung feel like he would jump out of his skin. In a good way.

Jisung felt something behind him, and realized that to help him out, Minho had briefly stopped in the middle of getting himself off.

“H-hyung, are you touching yourself again too?”

“Mmm. Perks of being ambidextrous.”

Fuck. What else could Minho do simultaneously? Nope, Jisung was not going to follow that line of thinking.

“Come with me?” Minho asked, grunting as he somehow managed to pump both of their cocks at the same time. Jisung felt his eyes roll back. 

He felt delirious. Was he close? He never felt like this before, didn’t know how intense it could get. It was as if he had been taking apart, his anxieties bled out of him. He had already been taken miles beyond what he imagined, led to a precipice of sorts. 

“Come for hyung, honey,” Minho whispered in his ear, breath warm and laboured. It was the additional stimulation Jisung needed to be pushed over the edge.

Jisung nearly blacked out as he felt his orgasm rip through him, hot and sticky and satisfying. Oh. He didn’t know he could feel this good. Maybe he was beginning to understand what his friends were raving about.

When he opened his eyes, Minho’s hand was still on his cock, covered in his cum. 

He stared at his lap as Minho reached over to grab a tissue and wipe Jisung off sloppily.

“Oh my god…wait, did you...?” Jisung turned his head around to catch the side of Minho’s face. 

He heard a rough chuckle. “Ah, no, I didn’t think you wanted my cum all over you.”

Jisung swallowed. Minho’s eyes tracked the movement. 

“I don’t mind,” Jisung mumbled. And, surprisingly, he didn’t; nothing about this moment felt wrong to him. 

Jisung heard a sharp intake of breath.

“Unbelievable,” Minho breathed, before dropping his forehead against Jisung’s back, wet sounds filling the room again.

A strangled noise left Minho’s mouth as he came.

They sat there for a moment, simply breathing in their post-orgasm haze. Jisung felt so perfectly content, both mind and body appeased.

“Fuck.” Minho muttered, sounding spent.

Jisung laughed, still feeling a little high. “Yeah, fuck.”

Minho twisted Jisung’s shoulders lightly, prompting him to turn around so they could be face-to-face.

There was an unhappy lilt to Minho’s mouth, a stark contrast to his otherwise blissed-out face. He grabbed Jisung’s hand carefully.

“Jisung, I am so sorry if I pressured you–”

“No”, Jisung interjected. “Believe me, if I felt too uncomfortable at any point, I would have flipped out.”

Minho nodded, but didn’t look fully convinced.

“I’m serious.” Jisung nearly laughed. “I feel so damn good. I never orgasmed before in my life, and you gave me that. I should be thanking you.” 

A bashful smile grew on Minho’s face. He looked pretty even when sad, but Jisung liked this version of Minho much better.

“I hope it wasn’t too weird for you,” Jisung added, remembering the things he had said, the sounds he had made. He felt himself shake just thinking about it.

“You were perfect, honey.” Minho brushed Jisung’s bangs away from his head to plant a small kiss on his forehead. “I think we could use showers now, though.”

**

Stepping out of the bathroom, freshly showered, Jisung was a bit worried about facing Minho again. 

But when Minho passed him in the hallway, ruffled his hair and looked at him with a smile, he felt a little better.

***

Caught up with studying for exams, Jisung was able to give himself an excuse to ignore everything for a while. It was like Jisung was a ball of yarn that started to unravel; any attempts to reorganize his thoughts and feelings just caused more of a confused mess. 

Part of him wished Minho was around. They two would often get dinner or watch a few episodes of a show for stress-relief, breaking up long blocks of studying.

Another part of him worried that if Minho was around, he would get distracted. And that a normal hang out would devolve into other things, because Jisung was so worked up lately.

Because Jisung couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

He had worried he might feel some type of discomfort, or even disgust with himself, in the wake of what they had done. 

Instead, he found himself thinking of Minho’s flushed face, his smile touching every feature. And he found himself thinking of how sated he had felt, as if he had fed himself after starving.

He hadn’t touched himself since Minho did. He kind of wanted to, needed to learn his body and how to take care of himself. But he knew it wouldn’t feel the same as it did with someone else. As it did with Minho. And he was scared it still might feel a bit wrong; he knew he was getting better, but it was more like training wheels than an overnight solution.

Days prior, Seungmin had told Jisung he needed to discover himself. And Jisung wanted to. But in order to do so, he feared he only knew one route that seemed to work: Minho.

With strangers, he just felt physically uneasy. Mentally and emotionally burdened with expectations he wasn’t sure he could ever fulfill.

Maybe eventually, he could find someone. He hoped. But he was selfish, and he wanted to find out what he was capable – or incapable – of doing. Wanted to work past his physical and mental blocks.

***

He was also, he realized, horny.

This became very apparent when he was hanging out with Minho a few days later, their experiment from the other day creating a slight tension in the room. Or, at least, Jisung felt its presence. 

Minho paused an episode of anime midway through. Their viewing had been lacking the usual commentary from both of them.

“Okay, I feel we should talk,” Minho sighed, scratching the back of his neck. Almost as if he were nervous.

“What if I don’t want to talk?” Jisung mumbled, picking at the hole in his jeans. Seungmin called it a waste of money to pay a mark-up for purposely ripped pants, but Jisung thought they looked cool.

“What do you want to do, then? You want us to continue to pretend to watch this show?” Minho looked apologetic when Jisung flinched slightly at his tone.

“It seems pretty bad, to be honest,” Minho added, trying to lighten the mood. It wasn’t working this time. Jisung picked at a fingernail.

Minho grabbed Jisung’s hand and smoothed it out. “I’m really lost here, Jisung-ah. Help me understand what I should do. What I should say.”

Jisung stood up from the sofa, started pacing around the room anxiously. 

“I just feel weird.”

“About what?”

“Um, about what we did,” Jisung mumbled, feeling himself flush. 

“Oh.” Minho paused for a second before continuing. “We can stop, and forget about everything, if it’s making you uncomfortable. Or take a break, if you need. Whatever you want, Jisung-ah.” He made his way over to Jisung, putting a hand against the younger’s neck.

Jisung pushed Minho against the wall, the older man's jaw dropping in surprise.

“Stupid hyung.” Minho just waited for Jisung to continue. “I don’t want to stop, I just… I’m nervous, okay? But I want to keep going.”

Was that too demanding? Too presumptuous? Oh god, Jisung needed to think beyond himself sometimes—

“Oh god, did you want to stop?” He blurted out. “Is that where this is going, I—”

Minho slapped a hand over Jisung’s mouth.

“Jisung-ah. For the love of god, stop overthinking. Can’t you see how hard I am?”

Jisung ventured a look down. 

“How do you feel, after what we did the other day?” Minho asked quietly.

Jisung swallowed. Eyes nervously flitting back and forth between his hands and Minho’s unreadable face.

“I… to be honest, I think about it a lot.” Jisung punctuated his admission with an awkward chuckle.

“Good,” Minho responded simply, before flipping their positions, pushing Jisung into the plaster and capturing his lips.

Minho pulled back after a short moment.

“Stick your fingers in my mouth.”

“ What? ”

“You heard me.” Minho grabbed Jisung’s hand, guiding his middle and pointer finger to Minho’s mouth. “Trust me.”

And by god, did Jisung trust Minho. More than himself, at times.

He felt his fingers slide over Minho’s tongue. It should have been gross, but it felt… some other way. Jisung pressed down slightly, feeling saliva pool in the other’s mouth. 

Minho closed his mouth, sucking around the digits. Wrapping his tongue around them, rubbing his up and down tauntingly slow. 

Jisung couldn’t believe he was leaking from just that. He gasped as he felt the wet patch grow.

Minho pulled back. Jisung watched, entranced, as a string of spit stretched from his fingers to Minho’s lips. He felt all his blood flow south, so quickly he felt dizzy. Unstable. Critical condition.

Minho smirked, likely noticing Jisung’s shocked – and very aroused – reaction.

“Now imagine that feeling, except…elsewhere,” Minho suggested, leaning to whisper in Jisung’s ear. 

Jisung jolted at the feeling of a light touch against his crotch. 

“Hyuuuung,” he whined, unable to control how pathetic he sounded. God, he was so turned on he could cry.

“Aren’t you a little curious? What it’s like to use Hyung?”

Fuckfuckfuckfuck—

Jisung was unable to pull together a single cohesive thought.

Minho grabbed his chin, forcing Jisung to look into his eyes. His smirk only grew.

“You are curious.”

Jisung nodded frantically.

Well, he’d be crazy to give up the opportunity, right? He could feel embarrassed about his desperation and lack of experience later. The Jisung of now didn’t seem to care much.

Minho dropped to his knees right there.

“Fuck, hyung, doesn’t that hurt–” Jisung began to protest, but was cut off by Minho popping open the button on his jeans. Minho waited for Jisung to nod before unzipping Jisung’s pants and pulling them down his legs. 

“Mmm. Excited?” Minho teased, looking pointedly at the wet spot on Jisung’s briefs.

“Stooop,” Jisung whined. But he didn’t really mean it; Minho would never really make fun of him. 

Minho laughed lightly, hooking his thumbs in the waistband of Jisung’s underwear. “Can I take these off, honey?”

“Pleasepleaseplea–” Jisung’s begging broke off in a choked moan and he felt his hard cock freed from his underwear.

“So ready for my mouth, hmm?” Minho murmured, the teasing glint in his eye making Jisung look away shyly.

Did Minho always talk this way when he was having sex? Dirty and teasing, perfectly crafted to make one feel they were nearing the edge.

But Jisung wasn’t about to tell him that. “Seems like your mouth is too busy talking.”

Minho laughed again. “You really are a brat sometimes, but I’ll let it slide this time.” 

Jisung didn’t have time to even think of a response before Minho was swallowing his cock. 

Jisung let out a loud groan. 

It was unlike anything he had felt before. A hand didn’t have the same engulfing heat and wetness; Minho’s breath and spit and tongue surrounding him from all sides. Minho began to bob his head, the feeling causing Jisung to hit the wall as he threw his head back.

Minho pulled back slightly, looking at Jisung until the younger looked down and met his eyes. Minho stuck his tongue out, dragging it up the underside of Jisung’s cock. 

Instinctively, Jisung grabbed Minho’s hair, craving the otherworldly feelings his mouth was delivering to him. His mind was like sludge, hormones going haywire; but still, he knew he shouldn’t be so rough.

“Ahh, sorry, hyungie,” Jisung panted, losing his hold. Minho hummed around Jisung, causing him to moan, before popping off.

“Not that I’m opposed to you fucking my mouth, but maybe when you have a little more control, hmm?” Minho’s raspy, literally fucked-out, voice said. “Let hyung set the pace this time.”

Jisung wasn’t sure he’d ever have control, with the way Minho touched him. Spoke to him. Looked at him as if he was special. 

Jisung’s knees were growing weak, Minho practically pinning him to the wall by his hips. 

“Where do you want to come?” Minho asked, looking up at Jisung through his lashes. His lips were red, wet, all because of Jisung. He wasn’t sure how to process any of it. 

“My face? Down my throat?” Minho added, when Jisung didn’t answer.

“H-hyung, isn’t that, like, gross, shouldn’t–”

“I’ll like any of it, Jisung-ah. So tell me what you want.”

“Your mouth,” Jisung found himself whispering, without even really thinking about the question. On a base level, he knew he wanted to be close to Minho, the one doing this for him. And could he really be closer than being, literally, inside him?

With a few more seemingly expert movements from Minho, Jisung was coming in his mouth. He wasn’t sure what he expected Minho to do with Jisung’s cum, but he definitely wasn’t prepared for him to swallow it.

Knees giving out, Jisung slumped down the wall, joining Minho at eye level. Minho smirked. Stuck his tongue out. 

Oh god. There was still some of Jisung’s cum on his tongue. 

Jisung didn’t think, just crashed  their mouths together, tongue sliding against Minho’s as he kissed him. Following his instinct. And damn, following his instinct felt so good.

When he heard Minho moan, something dawned on him. He pulled away slightly.

“Oh my god, hyung, should I do something for you?” Jisung asked, looking down at Minho’s lap. As expected, the other’s arousal was evident.

“Don’t worry about it.” Minho shrugged.

“Isn’t it difficult for you, hyung?”

“Honey. I don’t want you to do anything if you’re uncomfortable. You don’t owe me anything.”

Jisung swallowed. Surprisingly, at the moment, he wasn’t uncomfortable . Sure, he was nervous, but he wanted to see if he could get Minho to produce a fraction of the reactions he elicited from Jisung. He didn’t feel like it was wrong when it felt so right , when Minho looked so beautiful falling apart.

“Can I touch you?” Jisung whispered, raising a hand but not placing it on Minho’s body. 

“Jisung-ah. You don’t have to.”

“I want to try.” They met eyes and whatever Minho saw must have convinced him, because then he was nodding.

Watching Minho come undone under his inexperienced touch was awe-inducing. Minho’s mouth was parted, small groans slipping past his lips. Eyes unfocused, closing when a particularly intense wave of pleasure coursed through him.

After he came, they both stared at each other for a few moments, coming down from their highs.

***

He couldn’t even have a normal study session with Minho anymore. He felt unhinged; he used to have so much control over his thoughts and emotions related to anything sexual, even his body following suit. But now, he felt and thought things instinctually, far more powerful than he would have expected. 

Was this what temptation felt like, or is this what being human felt like? 

Was it okay to want ?

They had been studying, but Minho had gotten bored and flipped on the TV. He slouched on the sofa, legs comfortably spread as he scrolled through shows with the remote.

Jisung suddenly realized how easy it would be to get on the ground and slide between Minho’s knees.

The fuck? Since when did he have thoughts like that? 

He felt a little sick. His friend was helping him learn, and here he was, lusting after him while he was just trying to hang out. As best friends. All the years of repressed feelings must be pouring out now, causing him to be horny for the one person willing to deal with him. That wasn’t fair. He had been given so much. Why did he keep wanting to take more?

“I, um, I’m not feeling well. I should probably go home.” Jisung hated how his voice almost cracked.

Minho’s eyes flashed up to meet Jisung’s, tilting his head back to get a better look at Jisung’s face. 

God. Jisung wanted to lick his throat.

Abort. Time to go home.

“Don’t want to get you sick if I have something,” Jisung added, when he didn’t respond. There was doubt in Minho’s gaze, but he must have sensed not to push, this time.

“Alright, do you need anything? I can bring you dinner later or grab medicine or something.”

Jisung flushed. His hyung was caring, even if he seemed to know Jisung was lying. “Ah no, it’s okay. It’s not that bad, I just don’t want to risk it. Sorry to bail on our movie night.”

“No need to apologize, Jisung-ah.” Minho smiled, even if it didn’t meet his eyes. “Keep me posted on how you feel, hmm?”

“Sure, hyung. Thanks.”

***

Jisung decided he really needed to stop putting everything on Minho and being unwilling to figure things out himself.

He had tried to touch himself a few times, but it didn’t feel the same. Maybe he needed another person to make it feel as good as it did with Minho. 

Which is why he said yes to dancing with a guy at the next party his friends dragged him to. Minho wasn’t there, having to finish up a class assignment. Which honestly gave Jisung a strange sense of relief; it wouldn’t feel quite right to try things with other people if Minho was around. Plus, he hadn’t seen Minho since he lied about being sick a couple days prior, and he still wasn’t sure how to explain himself. (Knowing Minho, Jisung wouldn’t have to explain anything; but Jisung still felt weird.) 

In the dark room, where various lights strobing around them here and there, he saw an ex-classmate – attractive and, to Jisung’s recollection, not an asshole – flash him a smile. Told Jisung he looked cute, asked if he came with anyone. Jisung said he didn’t, and that’s how it started.

Jisung could feel the other’s hardening cock against his ass with each of his movements. Felt the man’s hands on his hips, and somehow managed to not flinch away. Dancing with the guy was easier than the last time – when he had broken down in front of Minho – but he still felt uneasy. But it wasn't bad; he felt himself growing a little aroused, even if his discomfort was keeping some of it at bay. 

Even if he should have been, he wasn’t prepared for the whisper against his ear, asking if he wanted to go someplace quiet.

And he did want that. Of course, he knew what the other really meant, but Jisung had enough of the loud music and numerous close, sweaty bodies. 

***

Jisung found himself guided to a room. Ironically, it was the same one where he had broken down and Minho found him, just a few weeks ago. How things had changed.

“You have such cute lips. I wonder if you know how to use that mouth?”

The man grabbed Jisung by the neck and smashed their mouths together. He was grabbing Jisung’s waist, his arms, his ass, but it didn’t make Jisung feel warm like it should have. He felt uncomfortable, almost violated. 

And it felt sloppy. And not in the way it felt with Minho, where it was messy but hot, but in a way where Jisung questioned the guy’s technique. Not that Jisung had a large sample size to compare him to.

Still, Jisung managed to reciprocate a little.

But by god, did he wish it was Minho.

Wait. Fuck. Since when did he think like that?

Jisung’s delusion was derailed when the man sucked on his neck, causing a sharp pain. Fuck, if that left a mark, people would see it. People would think things. About what Jisung did. 

After a minute – and Jisung getting increasingly worried about his own lack of kissing expertise, and even more worried about the potential hickey – the other pulled back to speak.

“You know what else that mouth could do?” The man teased. 

Jisung paused. He didn’t know what he was doing.

Still, he had thought about this – with Minho.

Minho. Imagining Minho asking for this instead made Jisung feel tingly, like he was itching to reach out for something.  

Jisung remembered how Minho had shown Jisung, even though Jisung hadn’t reciprocated.  Maybe he could try?

He watched as the other sat down on the edge of the bed. The boy raised an eyebrow at Jisung, as if challenging him.

Oh god. What if Jisung did it wrong, or freaked out?  What if word got around and everyone knew that he was the way he was, couldn’t do anything normally and sucked at everything. What if the guy didn’t respect him if he asked to stop?

And why hadn’t anything felt right up until that point?

He found himself apologizing, escaping the room before he could be stopped. After leaving the party, he found himself on the sidewalk outside, wondering what to do. He knew he should go back to his dorm.

But, despite his retreat from the situation, something lingered in the back of his mind… the thought of having Minho like that.

Minho was the only person he felt he could be open with, and Jisung was far too reliant. Addicted. He needed to get ahold of himself. 

But maybe he could crawl to Minho again, this time. 

***

Jisung appeared at Minho’s door, still clad in his party outfit and makeup (courtesy of Felix). Minho looked a little confused, but let Jisung in without a single question.

After Minho had made them tea in silence, Jisung spoke up, giving him a summary of the night, up until when he entered the bedroom.

“And then…I didn’t like how he touched me.” Jisung cringed at how weak he thought he sounded.

“And how did he touch you, Jisung-ah?” Minho’s voice was dark, threatening.

He grabbed Jisung’s hand, stopping its movements. Jisung hadn’t realized he had been scratching at his neck, but now that Minho had made him aware, he felt the sting. 

“You don’t like being marked?” Minho asked, carefully.

“I guess I’m scared of being judged a certain way, of assumptions being made. Which is stupid, I hate when people tease me for being a virgin, but I just feel a little weird and he didn’t ask first so I wasn’t prepared–”

Minho nodded. “I’m sorry, honey–”

“Also, he was a shit kisser,” Jisung interjected, causing Minho to bark out a laugh, “and he tried to get me to blow him. But like, I wasn’t into it.”

Minho paused, face impassive. “Did you try to?”

Jisung shook his head. Minho seemed relieved.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to do that,” Minho tried to assure him.

Jisung was speaking before his brain could filter the words. “But I want to do it with you.”

Oh god. Was that too far? Minho was his best friend, and he just admitted to wanting to touch him like that, even though he didn’t want to with his almost hookup.

Minho blinked rapidly, no words coming out of his slightly parted mouth. He seemed to have just as much difficulty processing the situation.

Jisung waved a hand in front of Minho’s statuesque face. “Earth to hyung. Did you malfunction?”

He watched Minho swallow.

“Let me get this straight,” the older boy finally responded. “You went to a bedroom with someone you think is attractive.” Jisung nodded. “And you didn’t want to suck his dick.” Another nod. “But you want to suck mine?” Jisung nodded again, nervously biting his lower lip. He looked away. Couldn’t bring himself to form words.

“And you’ve thought about it? Blowing me?” Minho sounded incredulous, causing Jisung to involuntarily flinch. 

Fuck, it was weird, wasn’t it? Perverted. Jisung should stick to keeping his thoughts to himself.

“Sorry, hyung, if that’s weird—” Jisung backtracked, his self-consciousness clearly evident in his tone. 

Minho grabbed his wrist, stopping him from backing away further. Jisung’s mind was spinning. When had he started to step away?

Minho’s thumb brushed over his pulse point. It felt equal parts soothing and sensual.

“Shit, Jisung, not at all,” Minho corrected. “First of all, it’s normal to want to do things. Especially with people you find attractive.” Minho tried to wink, but it came out more of a blink. Jisung laughed softly. 

Jisung’s eyes were trained on Minho’s face, so he caught the moment Minho’s jaw clenched.

“Second,” Minho continued, “it’s really turning me on.” Now Minho was the one who looked away, almost as if he were…nervous.

Nervous? Jisung must be imagining things.

“Oh.” Leave it to Jisung to have a proper response.

Minho laughed, looking back at Jisung with a smirk. “Yeah, ‘oh’, you little minx.”

“I—” Jisung was at a loss for words. He grasped his hands together to try to stop them from shaking. “Does that mean you…want me to…?” Unable to finish his sentence, Jisung looked pointedly at Minho’s growing hardness. 

“Only if you want to.” A typical Minho response. 

“Hyunggg,” Jisung complained, “I literally just said I did.” Did Minho want him, or not? Was he humoring him?

Minho rolled his eyes. “Then yes, of course I do, silly boy.”

He wasn’t sure what was so silly about what they were about to do.

“How do you want me to…” Jisung was suddenly excited, but not sure where to start.

“How do you imagine it going?” Minho replied back, cocking his head to the side and sending Jisung a small smirk.

Jisung squeezed his hands together, feeling his nails digging crescents into his skin. It was grounding. Jisung needed to know this was real. That Minho was real.

“You, um, helped guide me through it,” Jisung waved a hand vaguely. “You were sitting on the sofa.” Jisung gestured to Minho’s couch, the exact one from his daydream.

“And where were you, honey? At my feet?”

Jisung nodded, unable to make eye contact.

“Fuck, you’re so cute.” Minho’s voice sounded almost frustrated. “How are you so cute?”

“I’m about to suck your dick and you’re calling me cute?” Jisung protested, but, unfortunately for his case, it sounded like a whine.

“Yes. And I know you’ll look so sweet doing it, those adorable little pouty lips around me.” Minho dragged a thumb across Jisung’s bottom lip in emphasis.

“Hyunggg.”

“I told you, you are really heavy on the ‘hyung’ thing.” Minho chuckled before making his way to the sofa, placing one of the throw pillows on the floor. 

“Careful with your knees, yeah?” 

Jisung nodded. 

Moments later, Jisung found himself in front of Minho’s naked cock, the older’s dark eyes gazing down at him. He really, really didn’t know what he was doing. 

But he had to try something. Minho was waiting for him.

Tentatively, Jisung grabbed Minho’s dick, feeling its weight in his hand. Looking up at Minho, he gave it a kitten lick. 

Jisung could get addicted to the way Minho’s breath hitched. So he did it again.

Minho’s fists clench next to his thighs. Jisung wondered what it would feel like if Minho wasn’t holding back?

Well, here goes nothing .

Jisung suckled lightly on the tip before widening his mouth and trying to take more. He tried to replicate what Minho had done to him, occasionally gagging when he went too far too fast. He heard Minho reprimand him a couple times.

“It feels good, honey, you don’t need to push yourself.” Minho’s voice was strained. Jisung caused that. He felt a little on fire.

After a few moments, he pulled off with a pop. A noise of frustration escaped his throat. If he was going to do this, he might as well go all-in.

“When I thought about this…” Jisung began, voice quiet, “your hands were in my hair. Guiding me.”

A near-pained sound left Minho’s throat. “You imagined me pushing you onto my cock?” The question was full of disbelief.

“Mmm,” Jisung agreed. Thank god, it seemed like Minho was into it. Maybe he could keep testing the waters. “Sometimes you held me still for you.”

“J-Jisung,” Minho managed, breathing labored as Jisung licked a stripe up his shaft, “that’s really rough. We can take it step by step, okay?”

Jisung removed his mouth from Minho again. Pouting, he sent Minho the eyes he knew he was weak for. 

“I want it, hyung. If you don’t want to, that’s…okay, but I don’t want you thinking it’s not what I want.”

“I’m not sure if you can take it yet, Jisung-ah.” Minho’s forehead scrunched in concern.

Jisung felt himself flush as he contemplated his next words. “I want you to make me take it.”

Minho’s eyes filled with something wild. Pushing past his embarrassment, Jisung held his gaze.

“Fuck. Okay, if that’s what you want to try. Tap my leg twice if it’s too much, okay? Or, I don’t know, slap me.” Minho sounded uncharacteristically out of his element. It made Jisung a little proud.

Jisung shook his head up and down enthusiastically. “Yes, yes, thank you, hyung.”

“Thanking me. What the fuck.” Minho shook his head, groaning. Jisung let out something akin to a giggle. Honestly, who was he at this point?

“Well then. Open wide, stick out your tongue for me,” Minho commanded. 

Jisung did. Minho placed his cock on Jisung’s tongue. Winding his hands in Jisung’s hair, he slowly pushed into Jisung’s mouth.

“Good boy.”

Jisung gagged a bit when Minho hit the back of his throat. He felt himself leak in his pants, but he didn’t feel ashamed. He felt excited.

“Sorry, honey,” Minho said, pulling back slightly and smoothing a thumb over Jisung’s cheek. 

Jisung gripped Minho’s bare thighs harder and pushed Minho in further again.

He wanted to do his best. Mere weeks ago, he didn’t think he could do anything sexual at all. Now, there was so much he wanted to try. And at the moment, there was so much he wanted to show Minho gratitude for.

“Shit. Jisung-ah. You’re going to kill us both.”

Jisung hummed around him. The resulting noise Minho made was so hot that Jisung put his hand in his own pants. 

“Relax your throat for me.” Jisung tried, but it was difficult; he wasn’t used to the intrusion. But he knew Minho wouldn’t hurt him, and his body was learning the same.

He managed to do well enough that Minho could start thrusting into his mouth shallowly without Jisung coughing up a lung. Well enough that eventually, he felt Minho’s wrecked voice issue a warning.

“Jisung, off, please,” Minho asked, but Jisung whined around him. Looked up to him with what he hoped were pleading eyes.

“Fuck, okay, but you asked for it.”

With that, Minho was coming. Jisung felt himself dirty his own pants as he tried to capture everything he could in his mouth. 

Jisung couldn’t say the taste was pleasant, but the expression on Minho’s face when he swallowed was more than worth it. 

Minho patted the couch. Jisung jumped up, wincing as his knees tingled a bit, and sat next to Minho, leaning on his arm.

“Honey. That was insane.” Minho sounded amazed. Again, Jisung was floored that he could make something like that happen.

“Call it my thank you gift for everything, hyung-ah.”

Minho rolled his eyes. “You don’t need to—”

“I told you, Minho, I wanted it. It can be mutually beneficial.” Jisung smirked, grabbing Minho’s arm and burying his face into Minho’s bicep. He kind of wanted to lick it.

So he did.

Minho laughed. 

“How do I taste, honey?”

“A little salty but not bad.”

Minho rolled his eyes. Sweaty bangs clung to his forehead and a cute flush stained his cheeks.

“Okay, honey, your turn,” Minho said, turning his body slightly towards Jisung.

Oh. Right.

Jisung swallowed. Well, this was embarrass–

“Did you…”

“Sorry, hyung, I couldn’t help… but touch myself…”

“I’m losing my goddamn mind,” Minho responded. Not what Jisung expected; but then again, Jisung hadn’t been sure what to expect. He couldn’t even think, at the moment.

“Is that a good thing?”

“You’re a menace, Han Jisung. Yes, it’s a good thing.” Minho laughed. It was Jisung’s favorite sound.

***

“Jisung,” Minho asked after he emerged from the shower, sitting next to Jisung on the sofa. His voice was strangely serious. “You need to tell me if you do things with anyone else, okay? You can do whatever you want, but for safety, please tell me.”

Jisung nodded. But the thought of someone else touching him still made him uneasy – with the exception of Minho.

“And I’ll do the same, of course,” Minho added, a beat late.

Right. Until they started doing things together, Minho was hooking up with guys all the time. Jisung’s stomach twisted at the mental image of their past activities, but with a different boy instead of him. Minho touching, teasing, whispering sweet words to someone else. 

***

“Felix invited me to another party. At Chan’s frat,” Jisung informed Minho a few days later, while depleting his hyung’s stockpile of snacks. “But I am not sure I want to go, after what happened last time.” Jisung tried to sound casual.

“Hmm.” Minho cocked his head to the side, taking a moment to think it over. “Want me to join? You can dance with me if you’re uncomfortable,” he suggested. 

Jisung hadn’t told any of their friends about whatever the fuck was going on. But it was very personal, and between him and Minho. It was none of their business, really. Right? 

Jisung nodded. “Only if you don’t mind. Sorry to bother you, hyung.”

“Don’t apologize, Jisung. I like spending time with you.”

“Cheesy, hyung.”

Minho pushed him, almost causing him to fall off the couch.

***

Jisung was shaking. Despite being in his – according to Felix – sexiest outfit, he felt fake in the crowd. He wanted to look good, feel desirable, so he went for something more bold than he usually would. But he didn’t exude the confidence he had hoped for.

Minho squeezed his hand, asking if Jisung wanted to dance and pointing to the already notable crowd.

“I-I don’t know hyung. Maybe I shouldn’t have come.”

“Let’s ease into it, yeah? If it’s too much, we’ll go.” 

Jisung trusted Minho, so he would give it a shot.

The dancing started innocently enough, Minho’s arms winding around his waist as if it was second nature. Whoever was choosing the music wasn’t terrible, and Jisung lost himself a bit, just enjoying moving his body and feeling Minho’s presence.

As he continued dancing with Minho, however, he started to have a problem. Minho spun him around, placing his hands on Jisung’s hips and grinding against his ass. But rather than feeling uneasy, Jisung felt himself grinding back.

Wait, he was getting hard? Oh god , what if people saw? What would they think of him? And what would they think if they saw he was with Minho ?

Fuck . What did Minho think? Could he tell?

And was that Seungmin staring at them from across the room? 

Sensing him stiffening, Minho slowed his movements. “Jisung-ah?”

Jisung’s mouth felt dry. He…he thought he could do this – wanted to do this. Why was it suddenly too much? “I-I need a drink,” he lied.

Minho didn’t question it.

On the way to the kitchen, they ran into Chan, who wanted to introduce Minho to some friends. Minho shot a concerned look at Jisung, but the younger waved him off. “I could use a few minutes anyway, hyung, come find me in a bit?”

Minho nodded.

***

“Are you fucking Lee Minho?” A voice Jisung didn’t recognize asked. 

Jisung turned his head to the man leaning against the bar next to him. 

“Be careful with that one,” the stranger continued, clear distaste on his face. “He always goes for the cute, virginal looking ones.”

Minho being on the receiving end of such poisonous comments made Jisung’s blood boil.

“Oh? And what do you know?” Jisung nearly spit, hand gripping tighter around his drink.

The guy laughed humorlessly. “Oh, I know him well. He fucked me, took my virginity like the creep he is, and then ditched me.” 

Something cold ran through Jisung’s veins. 

Minho wouldn’t do that. Right? String someone along just for sex, make sweet promises, and then leave them hanging? The idea that Minho was that kind of person was scary.

Not that it applied to Jisung, anyway; it wasn’t like they weren’t together. But still. Is that why Minho was doing things with Jisung? Because he got off on… corrupting him ? 

Wait. What was Jisung thinking? He knew Minho wasn’t like that. He was judging people the way he’d criticize others for.

He was disgusted at himself.

***

“Do you have a thing for virgins?” He blurted out to Minho later, a couple drinks into the night. 

Idiot.  

Minho observed Jisung’s face for a moment, then laughed dryly. “I just go for who I’m attracted to. I guess sometimes they’re virgins. Want to psychoanalyze me, Jisungie?”

“No, no, hyung, I’m not judging – I was just curious, is all.”

“Why?”

“I just heard some stuff and… it’s just stuck in my stupid head now. So I needed to ask you about it before I got worried about things I know aren’t true and…” 

Minho sighed, disappointment flashing in his eyes. “Think what you want, Jisung. But for the record, that guy you were talking with earlier? I was up-front and transparent with him, he just lied about wanting just a hookup and expected something I couldn’t give. I can’t force people to be honest.”

“Oh..”

“Do you think that’s wrong of me? To sleep with virgins?”

“No, I just… is that why you’re putting up with me, trying things with me?”

Minho raised an eyebrow. “You think I have a thing for corrupting good boys too, Jisungie?”

Jisung covered his face with his hands. The alcohol was not helping him deal with this situation well. “I… don’t know.”

“What about this, Jisung? What does it say about you that you like when I teach you, when I tell you what to do?” Jisung tried to interrupt, but Minho kept going. “What does it mean when you seem to really like calling me hyung over and over when I taste you, when I–”

“Enough!” Jisung snapped, pushing against Minho’s chest. “I get it, Minho. Sorry.” 

He didn’t even feel like he was in his own body as he turned away from Minho, walking towards the door. He had to get home, he couldn’t take the oppressive feeling of the party anymore, not when it was combined with the way Minho had been looking at him after he accused him of–

His spiral was interrupted by a hand on his wrist, pulling him against a body. He didn’t have to look to know it was Minho.

Minho cleared his throat. “Sorry. You were about to walk into someone.”

Jisung knew he was shaking badly, Minho definitely able to tell given he was still holding onto Jisung’s wrist. He felt a thumb press over his pulse point, calming, despite everything.

“I’m sorry, Jisung. I shouldn’t have pushed,” Minho continued,  voice growing a bit quieter. “But…what you said kind of hurt, you know? So I got defensive….”

Jisung felt tears spring to his eyes. Dammit.

“I should be apologizing too. You’ve never been anything but nice to me. Too nice. And I trust you more than anyone. But then I let something a random person said get to me?” Jisung shook his head. “It’s…it’s not fair.” His voice cracked a bit. “ Fuck. Sorry I’m so emotional. I really shouldn’t have drank.”

“You’re emotional without drinking,” Minho commented. Jisung’s eyes flew up to glare at him. But Minho had a slight smile on his face.

Jisung felt like maybe he could breathe again. So he smiled back, even if it was a bit forced. “Don’t be rude, I’m trying to apologize.”

“I suppose if you give me a kiss, I’ll forgive you.”

Jisung felt his eyes widen.

“I’m joking, probably a bad joke, sorr—”

Jisung cut him off, wrapping his arms around Minho’s neck and placing a heavy kiss on his mouth.

Fuck it if Minho found his inexperience hot; Jisung found Minho hot.

Minho broke away for a moment to lean towards Jisung’s ear. “Can you call me hyung again?”

Jisung laughed, burning his face in Minho’s neck. 

“You’re ridiculous,” he mumbled. “Hyung.”

Minho dragged Jisung’s mouth back to his again.

***

Minho walked a tipsy Jisung back to his dorm, hugging him goodnight and pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. Jisung was always grateful to have such a responsible friend…but he couldn’t help but think that, maybe, he really wanted Minho to stay. 

***

Jisung went over to Minho’s apartment the next day. Minho clearly wasn’t expecting him; he opened the door with messy hair and clad in an old t-shirt with some kind of stain on it.  

“Oh. Jisung. What’s up?” Minho sounded surprised, but not annoyed.

“I…can I come in? I want to apologize again,” Jisung didn’t manage to keep all of the uneasiness out of his voice. 

“You can come in. But on one condition…” Minho paused, waiting for Jisung to meet his eyes again. “No more apologies. Unless you want one from me. I just want us to be okay.”

Jisung swallowed, nodding. 

Closing the door behind them, Minho opened his arms for Jisung. Jisung didn’t hesitate before hugging him. 

“It’s much better when we aren’t fighting, isn’t it, honey?”

Jisung hummed in agreement and buried his face in his neck.

And maybe it was knowing Minho wasn’t mad at him, or maybe it was the feeling of Minho’s arms around him again – whatever it was, Jisung suddenly couldn’t help himself. His hands were all over Minho: his face, his chest, his ass. He wanted to memorize every curve, every angle, every muscle. He couldn’t seem to stay still; he wanted to know everything about Minho, and wanted Minho to understand everything about him.

“Having fun?” Minho’s voice sounded amused.

Jisung felt himself flush, but still he couldn’t stop.. “Sorry, I…”

“You can touch all you want, Jisung-ah. It’s just cute.” Minho pulled Jisung’s cheek in emphasis, causing the younger to pout.

“You should pay close attention to the person’s reactions,” Minho continued, “so you know what buttons to push.” Minho groped Jisung’s butt. 

  Fuck. It brought back the memory of how close they were dancing the night before. Jisung couldn’t fully suppress his whine.

But when Minho’s finger pushed into the cleft of his ass, Jisung froze.

“Hmm, wrong button.” Minho pulled back, bringing his hands back to Jisung’s waist.

Jisung shook his head frantically. He needed to learn how to relax. Wanted to learn how to, if he was going to do… that .

“Honey, it’s okay.” As usual, Minho sensed his distress.

“Hyunggg,” Jisung whined, pushing against Minho’s chest to give him a bit more space to explain himself.

You can tell him, he’s literally the one who was suggesting it , Jisung told himself. It shouldn’t be this hard; he wanted to tell him, even if his mind fought him on it, but his mind wasn’t always logical. He took a breath, nervously squeezing his hands into fists against Minho’s chest. 

“I think… I want to try that,” Jisung said softly. When Minho didn’t respond, Jisung ventured a glance at the other boy.

Minho blinked rapidly, a telltale sign that he was trying to process Jisung’s words. 

“I mean – eventually…” Jisung amended. 

He watched Minho swallow, the older’s face frustratingly blank.

After a moment, Minho ruffled his hair, dissipating some of the tension. Jisung wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or disappointed.

“I’m glad you know what you want, Jisung-ah.” The words were equal parts caring and teasing.

Wait. What Jisung wanted? Well… Jisung bit his lip. He did , but—

“Is that—don’t you also?” Jisung asked nervously. ”Not that I expect—”

“Am I not the one who stuck his finger in your ass?” Minho muttered, red creeping up his neck. 

“Hyunggg,” Jisung complained, hiding his face again. Minho’s bluntness was going to be the end of him, surely.

“I’m just saying, I may tease, but I wouldn’t start something like that with you if I wasn’t willing to follow through.”

Which would imply…

“Oh.” Great. 

But what if Jisung couldn’t finish what he started? 

He cleared his throat. “I want that, hyung, but I can’t guarantee what will happen… Some days I think I’m getting better, but other times I freeze up and feel like I’m blown backwards.”

“Let’s just keep being honest with each other about how we feel and what we want, hmm? You’ve been doing such a good job so far, honey. ”

God forbid Minho would miss the blush that grew on Jisung’s cheeks.

“You like that? Being praised? Being told you’re good?” A smile quickly grew on Minho’s face.

Jisung wanted to protest, or brush it off; but Minho said to be honest. And if he was truthful with himself, the words had made him feel a little warm.

“I-I guess so,” Jisung hid his head in his hands. “Don’t laugh.”

“Let me see your face.” When Jisung refused, Minho pried his hands away from his face. Jisung opened his eyes. “Good boy.”

Jisung gasped. Mouth popping open in surprise.

Minho took no time in sliding his tongue in between Jisung’s lips. 

***

“Try that again?” Jisung asked shyly, when Minho finally allowed him a moment of air.

“Try what, honey?” 

Jisung clenched and unclenched the fabric near Minho’s neck. 

“What you did before,” he whispered into Minho’s chest.

“You want hyung to play with your hole?”

He didn’t know if he found Minho’s words sexy or creepy. Maybe both. But his dick seemed to believe the former.

“Not if you say it like that, you freak,” Jisung mumbled. 

“You love it.” 

And that was the thing: Jisung did. They wouldn’t be soulmates if he didn’t. 

“But, Jisung-ah,” Minho continued, “if you want me to touch you, touch you like that , then I think you should try out some stuff yourself first.”

Jisung’s stomach dropped. Oh . He didn’t know what he was doing, of course it would be reasonable that Minho would expect him to learn first–

“Honey.” At Minho’s tone, Jisung’s eyes snapped back to meet his. “I just want you to be comfortable with yourself, okay? I’m not saying no. I’m just saying think about it, maybe try some things.”

***

Jisung’s internet searches were making him feel intermittently embarrassed, aroused, and… even though he knew he shouldn’t, a little gross. 

Why did some of the stuff he came across, some of the Q&A boards and random sites, speak to him when he’d ignored exploring them much before? 

And why couldn’t he picture himself doing any of it without Minho’s voice, his arms, guiding him?

***

Taking advantage of Seungmin being away for the evening, Jisung decided to just do something. Minho was right; he should learn his own body. 

That didn’t make it any less scary. Just a little less forbidden than it seemed before.

Slicking up his cock, Jisung tried to ease the tension in his body. He remembered how Minho had moved his hand while seated behind him, but couldn’t quite replicate it. He wished he could feel Minho’s breath on his neck again.

Fuck, Minho wouldn’t always be there, Jisung had to learn from what he had been shown.

Remembering what he wanted to try, Jisung inched a finger to his rim. He’d never tried fingering himself before, the concept totally unappealing, until once again Minho’s actions unearthed something from inside. 

Minho hadn’t sent him off into a Google spiral without any other advice, though… he had told him he’d need to go slow, be careful to stretch himself, and that it might be hard to locate his prostate the first time. Jisung’s finger was barely in more than an inch before he began to feel overwhelmed. 

Wasn’t it weird, wrong, to do something like this? He wasn’t supposed to be sticking things up his ass–

No . Jisung took a breath. Just because it was foreign didn’t mean it was wrong. 

But, Minho was still on his mind. Minho would know what to do and how to do it. Minho could make it good, could make it feel right.

Maybe if he talked with Minho, he could relax better. Or so his frustrated, pent-up brain so surmised.

Before he could overthink , he wiped his hand on his shirt and reached for his phone.

Minho picked up on the third ring.

“Hyung,” Jisung greeted, cringing at how out-of-breath he sounded.

“My Jisungie. What are you up to?”

“I—um… just chilling.” An embarrassed laugh slipped past his lips.

“Chilling.” Jisung could picture the eyebrow raise that surely accompanied Minho’s words.

“Yup.” 

“With your dick out?” Minho’s voice was teasing. Jisung’s hand twitched where, in fact, it was wrapped around his dick. 

“W-what?” 

“Be honest with me. Are you touching yourself?”

“I—I was trying, but I still can’t do it right. Nothing feels good enough, I don’t know…” Jisung trailed off, embarrassment threatening his voice.

Minho hummed, a soft but amused sound. “You want hyung to help again? Is that why you called?”

Even just the teasing was making Jisung’s hand feel so much better.

“Is…is that okay? Sorry, you’re probably in the middle of—” Jisung cringed, realizing how inappropriate the random call was. 

“Nothing as interesting as listening to you, honey.” Minho knew just what to say to make Jisung feel like he was melting.

“Oh, um, then… would you help me, hyung?”

“Say please.”

Oh god. Jisung was on fire, and he wanted to burn. Normally, he’d be snarky, but now…he kind of wanted to give in to it. 

“Please.”

“Such a good listener. Do you have lube, honey?”

Jisung made an affirmative noise.

“Pour some in your hand. A lot.”

“Already used some—”

“Not wet enough, Jisungie, I want you to be messy.”

Jisung felt his dick twitch. Oh . He didn’t know he was into that…but then again, he hadn’t really thought about it.

“Have you tried fingering yourself?” Minho’s voice continued. 

“I tried, but didn’t get far…”

“Can you try again?”

“I’m not sure how to do it right.”

“Your fingers are longer than mine, Sung-ah. You should be able to do it better than me, once you learn.”

“Teach me,” Jisung pleaded.

Minho talked him through it — telling him to relax, soothing him with his voice, guiding him as he pushed one finger, then two, into himself, scissoring himself open. Eventually crooking his fingers up, poking around — uncomfortable, but worth it when he finally found the bundle of nerves he was looking for.

Jisung let out an embarrassing, high-pitched noise in his surprise.

Minho chuckled, the sound slightly distorted by the phone connection but still real enough to make Jisung light up. “Find something, honey?”

Jisung rubbed against the spot again. This time, his groan was deep and long. Maybe a bit exaggerated to attract Minho’s attention. Just a bit.

“Touch your cock too,” Minho demanded. “Think about how I did it, what made you feel good.”

The joke was on Minho; Jisung was already thinking about that.

“I wish you were here, hyung.” The words slipped past his lips, unbidden.

“You’re going to be the death of me,” Minho mumbled. Louder, he continued, “Imagine it’s me, if you want.”

Oh. What was Minho saying? Maybe the man was a god of phone sex, too. Not that Jisung had other people in his rankings.

Being given permission by Minho to think about him that way was really doing it for Jisung, at the moment.

“Close?” 

Jisung whined.

“Push your thumb into your slit. Make yourself come for me.”

And Jisung did. Moaning, he watched as his release coated his hands, cock, sheets, creating a mess that he was too blissed out to worry about. 

“Good boy. Do you feel good?”

He caused his own orgasm. Well, not really. It was still Minho. But he enabled Jisung to physically make it happen. 

“So good, hyung, but also sticky. Gross.” Jisung wrinkled his nose, even though Minho couldn’t see it. Wiped his hands on his already disgusting sheets. 

Minho laughed. “I’d clean you up if I was there, honey. But you’ll have to do it yourself this time, hmm? Why don’t you take a shower and get some food, can you do that?”

“Answer me one thing first?” Jisung paused. Bit his lip. “Did you touch yourself?”

“Did you want me too?” 

Yes, please. “If you wanted to, then yeah.” Jisung answered, voice full of false levity.

“Then yes, I’m holding my cock right now.” 

Oh, that made Jisung feel proud. “Can I help?” 

He heard Minho gasp, and listened harder to try to hear the other boy’s movements. 

“If I was there, I could suck you off again, hyung.”

“God. Jisung–”

“Or we could try something else, if you wanted. There’s so much more you could teach me…” Jisung was feeling bold. Maybe it was the distance created by the phone, or maybe it was the post-orgasm high. Or maybe he was drunk on Minho’s attention. It felt like Minho’s pleasure was the most important thing at hand, something beautiful he could feel bloom because of him.

He heard Minho’s breath and accompanying noises grow faster. “F-Fuck, am I dreaming, I–” 

“What do you dream about, hyung?”Jisung realized that he wished Minho dreamed about him, and him only.

Minho moaned as he rode out his orgasm, the sound causing Jisung’s heart rate to spike. He sounded perfect. 

A long, blissful silence passed, nothing but the sound of their breathing. 

“What is your problem?” Minho joked.

But suddenly, Jisung was worried. “Was that too much, hyung? Was it weird?”

“Not at all, honey, it was perfect.”

Jisung preened at the praise and felt his cheeks heat up.

“Does that count as me trying stuff myself? Will you touch–”

“Come over tomorrow and I’ll finger you open, baby.”

Jisung groaned. “That should sound sleazy but–”

“But you love it,” Minho claimed. And Jisung did. They were soulmates, after all.

***

When Jisung showed up at Minho’s the next day, it didn’t take long before they were licking into each other’s mouths, Jisung stumbling to Minho’s bed as the older boy pushed Jisung into his bedroom. 

Now that the younger had indicated what he wanted, Minho wasn’t shy about removing Jisung’s pants and running a hand up his bare thigh.

“Spread your legs,” Minho demanded, tapping on Jisung’s knee. Jisung covered his eyes with his hands in embarrassment, but complied. “It might be easier if you turn over,” Minho continued, “but I want to see how you’re holding up. Is that okay?”

Jisung peeked through his fingers. “Sure, hyung, I want to see you too.”

Minho smiled. “Then get your hands away from your cute face, honey.”

Jisung complied, but sent Minho an annoyed look in response.

“There he is.” Jisung blushed again. God, Minho really liked to tease him. Not that his dick was complaining.

Minho squirted some lube into his hand. 

He put a hand on Jisung’s knee, reaching down with the other. A wet finger circled Jisung’s rim, barely touching. 

Then Minho pushed a finger in the barest fraction. 

Despite the fair warning, Jisung clung to Minho tighter. Minho lightly massaged Jisung’s knee.

“Probably feels strange when you’re not in control, but you’ll get used to it,” Minho said softly. “You need to relax though, or else nothing is making it up your ass.”

Jisung snorted.

“Seriously, honey, try for me.” Minho leaned forward to licked over Jisung’s neck, his collarbones, the different sensations of his warm tongue and cooling saliva giving Jisung something to focus on. He found it strangely comforting.

It seemed to help, as Minho pushed the finger in further, going deeper little by little. After a couple minutes of Minho stretching him lightly, Jisung finally felt a little less tense. Even if it still felt foreign.

“Can you…more?” Jisung asked meekly.

“If you look at a guy with eyes like those, he’ll do anything,” Minho teased. Or, Jisung thought he was teasing, but he looked a bit wrecked.

Minho inserted another finger slowly, watching Jisung’s reaction closely.

Suddenly, it hit Jisung again: how exposed he was, laid bare in a way he hadn’t been before, to anyone. 

Did he look strange? How was he supposed to move? What expression should he have on his face, at this moment?

Minho’s soft voice brought him back from his building panic.

“You need to relax, or else it’s going to hurt, Jisung-ah.” He removed his fingers.

Minho kissed him sweetly, rubbed soothing circles on his stomach. “Be a good boy and open up for hyung, hmm?” Minho murmured against the younger’s neck, his words eliciting a warm blush.

On instinct, Jisung’s thighs tried to close in embarrassment – but they were blocked by Minho’s body, situated between his legs. 

“It’s just me, no need to be shy.”

“I can’t help it, hyung, it feels so weird.”

“It’ll get easier, honey. But of course I’ll let you go if you want.” Minho punctuated the words with a soft squeeze to Jisung’s thigh.

Jisung shook his head. “No, I don’t… can you just… hold me open?”

Minho’s gentle grasp tightened, fingers pushing into the meat of Jisung’s thighs. Jisung wondered if they’d bruise. 

Minho took a deep breath, slowly loosening his grip. Jisung watched his adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. 

“How fucked up is it that I find that hot?”

Jisung snorted. “You sure you don’t have a corruption kink, hyung?”

But Minho looked genuinely disturbed, so Jisung brought a hand to his face, stroking his cheek. Sent him a shy smile.

A small smile grew on Minho’s face as well. “I think I may just have a Jisung kink.”

Jisung felt himself temporarily at a loss for words, a deep blush warming his cheeks. It wasn’t unusual for the two to make jokes about how they were soulmates — why was he suddenly feeling shy?

“Well, I am perfect,” Jisung deflected, flipping his bangs across his face dramatically. 

“Is my perfect boy feeling more relaxed now?”

Jisung let out an honest-to-god whimper.

My perfect boy. Minho’s. His toes curled as if he were a kid with a crush. Was that an inaccurate description? Suddenly, Jisung wasn’t so sure.

“Want me to continue?” 

Jisung nodded.

Minho slipped his fingers back in, gaining entrance easier than the first time. He teased a third finger along Jisung’s rim.

Jisung let out an involuntary shiver, hands flying up to grasp Minho’s shoulders. 

Minho chuckled. “Did I surprise you, baby?” 

Jisung tried to make a noise of complaint, but it quickly morphed into a moan as Minho crooked his fingers. Minho raised an eyebrow, repeating the motion.

Something white-hot pulsed through Jisung. Heart rate skyrocketing. Eyes rolling back in his head.

He wasn’t sure what noise he let out, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

Minho laughed. “Did you feel that, Jisungie?”

“Yes, you fucker, I did feel that.”

“Calling me names isn’t very nice. Did it not feel good?” There was a hint of genuine question in the words.

“It felt… god, it’s a lot. But—” Jisung bit his lip, looked away. Asking for what he wanted was too difficult. Why did he feel so desperate? Why did he feel so embarrassed?

“But what?” Minho grabbed his chin, made their eyes meet.

“Hyunggg.” Jisung whined.

Minho tsked, pulled his fingers out.

“No—” Jisung protested, grabbing Minho’s wrist with his right hand before he could question himself.

Minho raised an eyebrow. Didn’t need to say what he was clearly thinking. Jisung just needed to say what he wanted, and Minho would give it to him; but Jisung had to push himself to ask.

Jisung looked away, too nervous to meet eyes. “Can you… touch me like that…again?”

“Look me in the eye, sweetheart, and I will.”

Minho brushed Jisung’s hair away from his eyes.

“How far do you want me to go?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, there’s a chance… I could maybe make you orgasm, playing with you like that.” 

“But you aren’t touching my dick?”

The confusion must have been evident on Jisung’s face.

“You don’t think I can make you come untouched? That’s awfully confident, I feel challenged.” 

Jisung’s breathing hitched.

“Do you want to come for me, honey? Or should we pick up another time?”

Jisung felt his fingers dig into Minho’s arms, as if out of his control. “Please keep touching me, hyung.”

“Since you asked so nicely.”

Again, Minho rubbed the sensitive bundle of nerves, causing sparks to fly up Jisung’s spine and prompting him to thrust his hips into the air.

Minho put a hand against his hipbone, lightly pressing him back against the mattress.

“Be good and stay still for me, hmm?” Minho leaned down to whisper in his ear. “Can you do that?”

“I—I can’t control it, M-min—”

He felt himself falling apart. Vision splintering, breath uncontrollable, sounds falling away except the pitch of Minho’s voice.

“God, you’re such a sight.”

Honestly, Minho looked like he wanted to eat him.

Jisung could be into that.

It didn’t take much longer before Jisung was coming all over his stomach, Minho looking down at him with a smile.

Maybe Jisung was hotter than he thought. Because even though he kept crawling back for more, Minho kept giving. 

***

Jisung had hoped the recent developments between him and Minho would quench his thirst.

Instead, he felt greedier. And with the greed came thoughts – images, scenes he never let himself imagine before. He used to feel guilty, disgusting, for even letting his mind wander a little; now he felt bad, but his curiosity about exploring stuff with Minho was sometimes more powerful.

Such thoughts weren’t a good mix with drinking, but that night was game night hosted by Felix, so of course there would be plenty of sweet concoctions with surprisingly high-alcohol content. In combination with the high energy conversations and possibly a shot or two for losing Mario Kart, Jisung got in over his head before he realized what was happening. 

At some point, he had been dragged to Minho’s apartment. (Likely, he had refused to go to his own dorm and clinged to Minho, demanding that he was nicer than Seungmin.)

They sat on the sofa, some show playing on low volume. Jisung squished his cheek against Minho’s arm. 

He was warm, Jisung thought. It made him feel comfortable. Too comfortable.

“You know, sometimes I imagine things, hyung.” Words tumbled from Jisung’s mouth, out of his control. “I wasn’t able to imagine so much, before. There are times when I still feel uncomfortable, but it’s getting easier. But it’s also really hard. And I shouldn’t be thinking these things about you.” He blinked up at Minho.

“What kind of things, sweet boy?” Minho asked quietly.

“It’s…it’s too much, hyung. I’m so sorry.” He hid his face in Minho’s arm.

It was. Way too far, too much to ask. Why did he even want what he wanted? If you would have asked him a few months ago, he would have said he would never be able to do such a thing.

Minho squeezed Jisung’s thigh softly. Not helping Jisung’s muddled thoughts. 

“It’s never too much, baby. You can say anything to me.”  

Minho carded his hands through Jisung’s hair. Jisung felt fuzzy, light, and he was sure it was only partially the drink he consumed.

Minho’s sweet touches were making it harder and harder to keep his thoughts to himself.

“Sometimes I imagine your mouth. Your tongue. In certain places.” Jisung spoke softly, as if saying it louder would make it too real.

“Where?” 

Jisung made a noise of protest. He shouldn’t have brought it up. But he couldn’t stop himself. Minho indulged him too much, and it was making him want more. Want things he never really thought about much before.

“Here?” Minho put a finger to Jisung’s lip. Jisung shook his head. “What about here?” His neck. Another shake of the head. “Or maybe… here?” Minho tapped his ass.

Jisung was silent. But Minho must have noticed him tense up.

“Shit, honey, you want me to eat you out?” Minho nearly choked out.

Jisung curled into himself. Was that too much? They weren’t even dating, and regardless that was Minho’s tongue and Jisung’s ass —

“No, honey, hey—look at me,” Minho protested, likely noticing Jisung spiral and his body shake. It took a minute, but Jisung slowly worked up the courage to meet his eyes. 

Minho’s eyes were serious. “I’d love to. Really. But you have to ask me when you’re sober, okay?”

“’m not drunk, hyung.” Jisung’s whine proved that he was, in fact, of sound mind. Even intoxicated, he could tell he sounded ridiculous.

Minho laughed. “Maybe not, but you’ve definitely had a couple drinks, and you’re also about to fall asleep.”

Was he? He was pretty comfortable. He wouldn’t be opposed to sleeping on the sofa.

“Promise, hyung?”

“Don’t doubt my love of ass, Han Jisung.”

Jisung couldn’t control the smile that he felt grow on his face. 

***

Jisung woke to the smell of Minho brewing coffee.

He spent a good twenty minutes in bed going in anxious spirals about the previous evening. What he had asked Minho to do. He may have been slightly intoxicated, but his words were honest. 

Minho didn’t seem to think it was wrong for Jisung to want these things. He was sure that his family, and perhaps many people he grew up with, would find it depraved. His physical instinct would be to shy away… but he was sure. He wanted this.

Brushing his teeth, he saw himself in the mirror. He looked tired, and his hair didn’t want to lay flat. And it looked like he had a new pimple. Great for his self-confidence. At least he didn’t feel hungover.

Still, he knew if he missed his chance today, he might never ask. So when Minho sat next to him on the sofa, delivering coffee for both of them, he spoke up.

Jisung tugged on a stray thread that was escaping the seam of his sweatshirt. “Do you remember what you promised yesterday?” 

“Remind me.”

Right. Minho was going to make him ask for what he wanted. Again. 

“How are you going to relax if you can’t even say it, Jisungie?”

“CanyoupleaseeatmeoutI’msorry.” Jisung said it so rapidly and at such a low volume he would be amazed if Minho accepted it. Please don’t torture me more.

But Minho looked far too pleased; it seemed dangerous.

“Such a good boy, asking for what you want.”

Jisung’s brain felt like it had broken. Cracked down the middle, all his thoughts dissolving into the air. Could Minho feel his desire, his desperation, fill the air?

Jisung clawed at Minho’s arm. Let out some kind of frustrated sound.

“Shh, honey. Hyung will give you what you need.”

Suddenly, Jisung was in the air, lifted up by Minho’s arms. Jisung hugged him tighter, wrapping his legs around Minho, as the older walked towards his bedroom.

Jisung’s dick was pressed between their stomachs, the friction of the movement of Minho’s steps causing embarrassing little “ah-ah” noises to escape his mouth. He clenched his thighs tighter around Minho’s torso.

“So worked up already, just thinking about my mouth, hmm?” Minho whispered, tongue tracing the shell of Jisung’s ear, leaving a fire in its wake. 

“Stop teasing.”

“I’m showing you the buildup, Sungie.”

Jisung buried his face into Minho’s neck, the skin muting his sound of complaint. Jisung couldn’t help but taste Minho’s skin, tonguing it until Minho dropped him on the bed. 

When Minho climbed on top of him, he wasted no time in helping Jisung out of his clothes. Or, well, they may have been Minho’s clothes. Jisung wasn’t sure anymore.

Minho patted the side of Jisung’s bare hip. “Ass up, baby.”

Jisung rolled his eyes. “Cringey.”

“You love it.” Minho looked down pointedly at where Jisung was leaking against his belly.

Jisung looked away stubbornly. Minho manhandled him into the desired position, flipping him over and pulling his hips up. 

“On your knees, c’mon.”

“Demanding.”

“Do you want me to say please?” Minho breathed against the back of his neck. That definitely made Jisung’s dick twitch. “Too bad,” Minho added, chuckling.

Jisung started to complain, but then Minho grabbed his cheeks and spread them apart slightly. Jisung gripped the sheets harder, trying to manage through the unknown feeling. 

“You okay?” Minho checked in.

“I’m just not used to it, so if my body acts a little weird or I freeze up or start shaking or whatever it isn’t you–” Jisung sucked in a breath. “I won’t lie, it’s making me nervous. But I really want this. And I trust you.”

Minho placed a small kiss over his tailbone. “Okay, just tell me if you want to stop. We can go at your speed. Don’t force it.” 

Jisung nodded, his head rubbing against the sheets.

The first lick to his rim almost caused Jisung to collapse, it felt so unusual. Minho grabbed his hips tighter before pushing his tongue inside.

Jisung moaned before he could even think to control it. It was different than anything he’d felt before, Minho’s tongue soft and wet and his breath hot on Jisung’s skin.

Minho pulled back for a moment. “You’re so loud.”

“So-sorry—”

“Don’t apologize. It’s hot.”

Minho stuck his tongue back in, moving with intent. As Jisung made different sounds, pushed back against his face, Minho seemed to hone his precision, picking up on exactly how Jisung liked to be licked and prodded. Wrapping an arm further around Jisung, Minho moved his other hand to brush over Jisung’s chest. 

Jisung let out a sound that was close to a sob.

“Good tears or bad tears?” Minho whispered, lips moving against his asscheek.

“Fuck you, hyung, you’re so good at this.” Jisung felt Minho’s answering smile against his skin.

“Oh, honey,” Minho cooed, a strange mix of comforting and condescending, “only I know how you liked to be touched, hmm?”

“Arrogant.”

Then Minho was inside him again, adding a finger and angling it just so.

Jisung, not expecting the added stimulation, found himself coming on Minho’s sheets. 

He felt like both his body and mind had melted. It was a really good idea to ask Minho for this.

After regaining his breath, he rolled over – away from his mess, he’d deal with that in a few minutes, thank you – to glare up at Minho.

Minho looked back with a playful gleam in his eye. “Better or worse than your imagination?”

“I hate you.” Jisung huffed, closing his eyes as he came down from his high. 

Then he remembered something. Peeked one eye open. “Do you want me to help you too, hyung?”

He assumed Minho was hard. Or at least he hoped that Minho enjoyed it enough to get aroused.

“I’m good, Jisungie. Looks like I wore you out. Just give me permission to think about your ass while I take my time in the shower.”

Jisung groaned, throwing an arm over his eyes, pretending to be annoyed. In actuality, he was once again struck by how nice his friend was. How much Minho gave, how much he cared for Jisung. When they stopped all of this, who would fill the space Minho had created? Would it hurt when Minho was extracted from the deepest parts of Jisung?

***

Jisung was on a downward spiral towards his own demise, and he couldn’t stop it. Letting himself explore, letting his mind wander places it wasn’t allowed to before, getting increasingly comfortable with Minho – it was causing his want to suffocate him, to grow like a tumor. Nearly impossible to stop now that it had started. 

He didn’t know if it was pity that drove Minho to help him, or a sense of responsibility as his friend and his hyung. Or if Jisung was more attractive than he gave himself credit for and Minho, like him, also had desires. 

No , Jisung thought, Minho has always been there, when I needed him.

But would Minho always be there for Jisung, when Minho eventually found himself with a partner? A true, long-term relationship, dates and anniversaries and marriage.

God. The thought of Minho being committed enough to someone to marry them was making Jisung feel a bit ill.

He wanted to be number one.

He was selfish like that, wanting all of Minho’s attention.

He wondered if Minho felt a fraction of the way Jisung did. Was it a soulmate thing? Or was it a strange, obsessive Jisung thing?

***

“I want you to talk to me, honey, you’re worrying me.” Minho had cornered Jisung against the arm of the sofa after he had fiddled aimlessly with his phone for a good ten minutes in silence, mind anxiously spinning in circles. Minho could always tell the difference between good quiet and bad quiet, when it came to Jisung. It had been a few days since their last sexual endeavor, and Jisung had been running around inside his head ever since.

“How far are you willing to go with me, hyung?” Jisung’s question was small, fragile.

Minho looked him in the eye. “To the ends of the earth.”

Jisung might laugh if he was less anxious. “You know what I mean.”

“Try me, Jisung-ah.”

“I want to try. Y’know. Going all the way.”

Minho looked away. Ran a hand through his hair. “Not to sound old, but don’t you want to consider waiting for that? For someone else?”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever trust anyone like I trust you, Minho.” Jisung looked at the side of Minho’s face until the other met his eyes. “But if it makes you uncomfortable, or you’re not into it, that’s totally different.”

“I don’t know what’s crazier, your faith in me or your belief that I could be opposed to having sex with you.” Minho shook his head in disbelief. “But, do you maybe… want to practice by yourself? Get comfortable? I can buy you a dildo if you want,” he added, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Jisung blushed.

The idea of the cold silicone was far less enticing than Minho’s fingers. 

Than his cock, if Jisung dared to think about it.

“Or you can buy it on your own obviously, I was just offering.”

“I don’t want a toy,” Jisung mumbled.

“Why not, honey? There’s no need to be embarrassed.” Minho’s voice softened as he tried to catch Jisung’s eyes.

“I want… I want to feel hyung instead.”

Minho blinked, face frozen. Blinked again. 

“Hyung?” Jisung asked, after an abnormally long moment of silence passed.

“How am I supposed to deny you anything when you ask like that?” Minho mumbled, the tips of his ears a vibrant red. Maybe Jisung wasn’t the only one into the whole hyung thing. 

“Is that a yes?” Jisung asked tentatively.

Instead of answering like a normal person, Minho scooped up Jisung bridal-style and walked towards his bedroom.

“Now??” Jisung managed to ask, sounding strangled.

Minho dropped him on the bed. “Oh. Did you not mean now ?” He sounded genuinely caught off guard. He took a step back as if that would counteract the past thirty seconds.

“Well, I guess it can be now. Usually, you have to book this ass in advance, but–”

Minho shut him up with a kiss, wasting no time in prying open Jisung’s mouth with his tongue.

As they started peeling off each others’ clothes - Jisung talked a couple calming breaths throughout, still getting used to feeling so exposed - something creeped into his mind. A fear and an idea.

He grabbed Minho’s hand where it was pulling at his waistband. 

“Hyung, have you really not done anything with other people? Since you started… with me?”

“No, Jisungie. I told you I’d tell you, right?” Minho pinched his hip lightly.

“Then… we don’t need a condom, right?” Jisung whispered, trying his hardest to maintain eye contact in order to see Minho’s reaction.

Minho rolled his eyes, but the flush on his face gave away his true feelings. Jisung giggled, pulling at Minho’s red ear playfully. Minho swatted his hand away.

“I’d warn you about the mess, but I know you like that, so that would be pointless,” Minho grumbled. Jisung lightly kicked his side in retaliation.

Minho made careful work of opening Jisung up with his fingers, as he had done the previous time. He only briefly teased Jisung’s prostate - likely not trusting that Jisung could hold back - before pulling his fingers out.

Jisung watched Minho lube himself up. He swallowed. Not that he hadn’t noticed before, but now, faced with the prospect of being penetrated by it, he truly realized how big Minho was. Not that he had a ton of comparison, but thinking of handling it after just Minho’s fingers…

Minho noticed his intense stare, but instead of laughing at him, he sensed the concern.

“We can go slowly, hmm? If you’re in pain, you have to let me know, okay?”

Jisung bit his lip. “Why are you doing this with me, hyung? Why are you so nice?”

Minho smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Because you are important to me, stupid. I want you to be comfortable, and I’m hoping I can help you get there.”

“You’re too nice.”

“You act like I’m not getting anything out of this, either.”

Jisung indulged himself in asking, “What do you get, hyung?”

“My favorite, sweet boy, all warm and wet around me.”

Minho’s next kiss was ravaging, borderline pornographic with how he fucked his tongue into the younger’s mouth.

My favorite. My boy. Oh, how Jisung wanted that. 

It hit him then, full force, like a high-speed train.

In hindsight, it was horrifyingly clear how Jisung felt.

He was in love with Minho. Whose bed he was currently in. Naked.

Minho pulled back to look at Jisung, likely having felt a shift in their kiss, a hesitancy from Jisung’s end. Jisung was never good at hiding his emotions.

Oh god, he couldn’t do this. Wasn’t asking Minho to fuck him too much? Maybe Minho did want to fuck him, but he didn’t know that Jisung was in love with him, didn’t know that Jisung would secretly have expectations for more. Jisung shouldn’t keep taking from the boy who didn’t know what he was giving. 

Guilt swirled in his stomach and clawed up his throat.

He pushed away from Minho and nearly fell off the bed, feet tangling in the sheets as he scrambled off the mattress.

He managed to make it to Minho’s bathroom before he threw up.

***

In retrospect, Jisung should have been able to tell how he felt. There must have been some kind of block in his mind, because thinking back on so many moments in the past couple years, it was shockingly evident that Minho meant everything to him, in a way that could be nothing but love.

***

“Wait. Doesn’t that guy look a little like Jisung?” Seungmin had asked at one party, months ago.

“No, he doesn’t.” Minho’s response was immediate, like a knee-jerk reaction.

Jisung felt it like a slap to the face. Would it really be so bad, if the guy did look like him? Was Jisung really that far from someone Minho would want to be with in that way? 

Not that he could, given his inability to do anything of the sort. But hypothetically. 

He could write off the offended noise he made, the way his jaw clenched, as defending his pride. If only it were that simple.

Sure, Jisung wanted to look good, wanted to be seen as desirable. But more than that, he wanted Minho’s attention on him. Not the alleged Jisung look-alike (who, by the way, was not as attractive as Jisung).

Jisung’s heart burned.

“He kinda does, hyung,” Felix continued, not clueing in on Jisung’s developing hurricane of emotions.

Minho glanced at Jisung, cocked his head dramatically as if considering. “No, Jisung’s cheeks are bigger.” He grabbed one, playful; but Jisung didn’t feel playful at the moment.

Jisung scoffed, slapping Minho’s hand away from his face. It tingled a bit where he had touched him; but not from the pinch.

“Go back to your booty hunting and stop abusing my face,” Jisung grumbled. 

Minho stared at him for a moment.

He always could tell when something was off with Jisung. He leaned into Jisung’s ear, so only he could hear. “You know your booty is my favorite, Jisung-ah. You don’t have to get jealous.”

At the time, Jisung didn’t think he was jealous. He thought he just didn’t like thinking he was inferior, especially in the eyes of people who mattered. Especially in the eyes of his favorite person.

***

After convincing Minho that he needed some time alone after panicking, the older boy accompanied Jisung back to his dorm. Jisung was glad that in moments like these, Minho was able to handle silence. When they arrived, Minho brushed Jisung’s hair out of his face softly, requesting updates on how he was doing, even if only by text. Jisung could only nod.

After they parted ways, Jisung took a shower, forced a glass of water down his throat, and then told Seungmin.

Not everything, of course, far from it. He didn’t feel ready to go into all the details, and he wasn’t sure he felt like sharing them at all. 

“I’m in love with Minho-hyung.”

“I know.” Seungmin said. When Jisung’s jaw dropped open, he added, “I’d criticize your obliviousness, but I don’t think that’s what you need right now. When did you realize?”

“Earlier today.”

Seungmin frowned slightly, looking over Jisung’s disheveled appearance, abused lips. “Did you come from Minho-hyung’s place? Did you tell him?” 

Jisung looked away, self-consciousness flaring. “Yes, I came from his apartment. No, I didn’t tell him. I felt really sick and came back.”

“Sick?”

“Yeah. Guilty. Like, I haven’t told him I feel this way, and I should have realized it earlier. I feel like I’ve been taking advantage of him…” Jisung cringed, realizing he said too much; he hadn’t told Seungmin about his various endeavors with Minho.

“Jisung.” Seungmin waited for Jisung to meet his gaze again. “I doubt you’re taking advantage of him. He’s obsessed with you, you know?”

Jisung dug into a hangnail. “It’s different.”

“It might not be. Have you seen how he acts around you?” Jisung scoffed at his roommate’s words. “Plus, no matter what, I don’t think anything could come between you two. It’s honestly disgusting,” Seungmin joked, throwing Jisung a smile before turning serious again. “I really think you should talk with him.”

“Well, I’ll have too, eventually,” Jisung mumbled. “I think I need some time to gather my thoughts though. Maybe cry a little first.”

“You’re wasting your tears. Either they aren’t needed, or Minho is the stupidest guy on earth.”

Jisung smiled softly at Seungmin’s support. 

***

Taking time to gather his thoughts and cry turned from minutes to hours. Jisung holed himself up in his room – maybe unhealthy, but he couldn’t help it – and Seungmin allowed him space, even brought him food a couple times. 

Jisung ignored Minho’s worried texts, his multiple calls; he knew it was rude – no, worse than rude – and Minho was genuinely concerned about him. But he wasn’t ready to have a conversation with Minho, because he knew it would inevitably lead to him bleeding his heart out onto the floor.

A couple of days must have been too long though.

Minho had apparently stopped by to check on Jisung, based on the voices he heard outside the front door of their dorm room. It didn’t sound like a friendly conversation.

“You fucked him?” Jisung heard his roommate ask, anger lacing the words. Seungmin, for how smart he was, seemed to not realize how much Jisung could hear from inside, nor did he probably know that Jisung’s ear was against the front door. 

If Jisung wasn’t so distressed about the situation, he would be touched; Seungmin didn’t always express his care for his friends in grand, obvious gestures, but sometimes there was a moment when it hit Jisung just how good of a friend Seungmin was. Even if he sometimes read the situation wrong.

“Calm down, you don’t know what—” Jisung heard Minho’s frustrated voice fight back.

“I don’t need to know anything more. You aren’t dating him, and Jisung isn’t looking for a hookup—”

“I think Jisung can decide what he wants for himself.” 

“And you think he can say no to you?” Seungmin’s voice sounded almost strangled. 

Could Jisung say no to Minho? Minho was always spoiling Jisung, but if Minho really, really asked for something, Jisung felt he would try. Even if he ultimately failed.

Minho’s words cut off his thoughts. “Yes, he can, actually. I fear it’s me who can’t say no to him.”

Oh god, Jisung had really taken advantage of the situation, hadn’t he? His hyung was just too nice, too good to him. He took a kiss and turned it into this whole messy clusterfuck that he was afraid neither of them could untangle. 

Worse, it made Jisung realize he couldn’t return to the way they were. He wasn’t that good of an actor.

***

Jisung didn’t reveal himself, and Seungmin sent Minho off, saying Jisung seemed to need some time.

Jisung spent the next god-knows-how-many hours looking at his memories through another lens.

He tried to remember everything Minho had done for him – but there were too many to count: the days Minho bought Jisung dessert when he was feeling bad; the times Minho brought Jisung home when he was uncomfortable in a social situation; the moments when Minho cared for Jisung when he was panicking.

And Jisung thought about how he had at first been inexplicably been drawn to Minho, and then came to learn his warmth, his humor, his confidence. How he caught himself looking too long at Minho’s features sometimes, and cared too much how Minho was looking at him. How he hated when Minho was looking at anyone but him.

How he had felt every time Minho touched him, from the first hug to things far, far more intimate. How he wasn’t sure he could ever be that comfortable with anyone else, trust anyone as much. How he discovered he didn’t want to be with anyone else.

Of course he loved Minho. 

And Minho deserved to know.

***

After a couple days of letting it fester in his mind and heart, deteriorating both his emotional and physical state, he texted Minho.

He acted normal, as if he was just asking to hang out as usual. It was both relieving and frustrating that Minho just went with it.

When he got to Minho’s apartment, he didn’t know how to act. They were always touchy, and obviously more so recently, but he thought if Minho touched him now he would break down. 

Minho had made room for Jisung to walk past him to go further into the apartment, but Jisung’s feet were stuck to the ground of Minho’s entryway.

Minho sensed Jisung’s awkwardness immediately. Even if he wasn’t Minho, Jisung’s worry and insecurity rolled off him in waves.

Minho sighed. “Do you think we should stop, Jisung-ah?”

Jisung felt his entire body stiffen. Had he done something wrong? Pushed too far? Or was he maybe not able to give enough? Or maybe he had just acted too weird the other day, or maybe Minho had realized how Jisung felt and was trying to reject him–

Minho waved a hand in front of his face.

“I can see you spiraling, but please don’t.” 

“This is about me freaking out the other day, isn’t it?”

He saw a flash of worry pass through Minho’s face. “No no, not at all, honey. It just made me realize that maybe you should be thinking about a relationship, now that you are hopefully a little more comfortable with yourself.”

“Is that what you want?” Jisung’s words came out angry. Hurt. Even though that was ridiculous; Minho did nothing wrong. He just gave Jisung everything he wanted, and more. Until now.

Minho sent him a confused look. “What do you mean? This is about you, not me.”

“Do you… are you bored of me?” Jisung felt like he was borderline hysterical. He felt his voice getting distressed already. “Or maybe I’m not your type?”

Minho let out a sharp half-laugh. “Neither of those things are remotely true, Jisung.”

“Then what is it?”

“Well, like I said, I thought you wanted a relationship? At some point?”

“I’d rather spend time with you,” Jisung blurted, before he could register the words. Minho’s eyes widened, impossibly large, before he looked away. As if he couldn’t meet Jisung’s eyes.

“I’m happy to hear that, honey, but I don’t want you to feel like you can’t ever be comfortable with someone else. Can’t have trust and communication with someone else. Just because I was the first, doesn’t mean I have to be the only one.”

Minho’s gaze moved back to meet Jisung’s, something unreadable and almost sad in his eyes. 

“I don’t care about anyone else.” Oh no. Jisung was going to throw up. But he couldn’t stop, he had to keep going. “You know why I asked to hang out today? Because I was going to tell you that I realized I’m in love with you.” Jisung shook his head. “I felt so sick the other day, when the realization hit me in the middle of us doing… that, and I felt guilty, like it was wrong to continue when I felt that way and you didn’t. And even though I know you don’t want a relationship right now, much less one with me, I felt it was only fair to tell you before stopping this altogether. ” Jisung felt a tear roll down his cheek. “Shit. Sorry. I told myself I wouldn’t cry.”

When Minho didn’t respond, Jisung finally looked up.

It looked like Minho was on the brink of tears, too – and Minho didn’t cry. Jisung hadn’t seen him cry in all the time he knew him.

“Hyung? Please say something.” Jisung would get down on his knees and beg, if he had to.

“Oh, honey,” Minho started, taking a step closer to Jisung. “Come here.” He opened his arms. Jisung, despite his sick stomach, despite his weak heart, couldn’t resist falling into them.

“I love you too, Jisung-ah. I have for a long time.”

Jisung felt his heart pound so hard he thought he might black out. 

He loved him back? For a long time?  

Jisung pulled back slightly to look at Minho, teary eyes blurring his vision. But he could clearly see Minho was smiling. “What? Since when?” His fingers gripped into Minho’s shirt tighter, as if everything would become a dream if he let go.

“Probably since the first time we had an actual conversation.” 

What? Jisung could do nothing but blink, wet lashes clinging together. His hands shook against Minho’s chest.

“You… this whole time? The whole time we were doing things… no, before then… you knew you loved me?”

“Pretty shitty of me, huh?”

Jisung shook his head. “No, hyung, I just… wasn’t that hard for you?”

“At times, yes. But I hate seeing you upset, Jisung-ah. If I could help, I wanted to try.” 

Jisung pounded a fist against Minho’s chest, feeling a frown pull at his lips. 

“What the hell, Minho. You offered to help me.”

“I won’t make myself out to be a saint, though. My motivations were questionable. If there was the smallest chance you could ever like me, I’d do nearly anything, Jisung-ah.”

Oh. To think Minho could feel that strongly about him made Jisung feel like the floor collapsed under him. Where was he supposed to find footing?

Maybe he should have found fault in Minho. But how could he, when Jisung felt just as strongly? When he was so desperate for anything Minho would give him? 

Jisung had been so, so blind. Both to Minho’s feelings, and his feelings that were a mirror image. 

“You couldn't just talk to me?” Jisung’s voice had grown louder, nearly panicked in his disbelief.

“And what? Risk ruining our friendship? I’m a coward, Jisung, and I care about you more than anything.” 

More than anything? Maybe, somehow, Minho was as obsessed as he was.

“You’d never lose me, no matter what,” Jisung said softly, looking into the other’s eyes. “I don’t think I know how to exist without you.”

He saw a tear run down Minho’s face. God, he even made him cry.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize earlier, hyung, you shouldn’t have felt like–”

“You don’t need to apologize. I’m probably the one who should apologize. But…we’re here now, aren’t we?” Minho carefully, tentatively, brought a hand to cup Jisung’s cheek.

Jisung leaned forward to capture Minho’s lips in a chaste kiss.

***

The kiss didn’t stay innocent for long. Once Jisung started it, he couldn’t stop, and Minho proved more than willing to oblige. 

It didn’t take long before they found themselves in a similar position to the other day, Minho hovering naked above Jisung.

Minho’s tongue worked its way down to Jisung’s chest, swirling around a nipple. Jisung couldn’t be blamed for the way he squirmed. Reality slipped out of his grasp, his senses being molded by Minho’s touch.

“You’re so sensitive, shit.”

“Hyung. Stop making fun of me.” Jisung squeezed his eyes shut. He felt so embarrassed; Minho was about to fuck him, yet he was getting overwhelmed by something like this?

Minho paused his movements. After a few moments, Jisung opened his eyes, confused, to meet Minho’s surprisingly serious ones. “Jisung-ah. I’m not making fun of you. It’s hot, I love seeing what I can do to you.” Looking concerned, he continued, “I can tease you less though, if you don’t like it.”

Jisung pushed a finger against the crease of Minho’s lip, dragging it upwards as if into a smile. “You know I like it, hyung, you just have to reassure me sometimes. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, honey, but know that I’d never truly judge you.” Minho pressed a too-sweet kiss to Jisung’s forehead. “And I really, really do love your reactions,” he added with a small smirk, a catlike look in his eyes.

When Minho finally pressed the tip of his cock into Jisung, the younger immediately felt overwhelmed. Against his will, Jisung felt his body stiffen in response to the intrusion. 

“Honey, you need to relax,” Minho whispered in his ear as a hand rubbed soothingly against his hip.

“I’m trying, hyung, you’re just big.”

“Take a deep breath for me.” Jisung did. Then another. Minho tried to push in a bit further. 

Jisung felt a tear leak from the corner of his eye, a slightly pained noise escaping his mouth despite his efforts to mute it.

Why was this so hard? They had prepped, and it was Minho , Jisung should be able to manage. He wanted Minho so bad, and somehow he was lucky enough to be able to have him, but his body was still tensing up. He was angry at himself.

Minho pulled out, concern etched on his face.

“H-hyung, what…what if I…” Jisung hiccupped. “What if I want you to make me take it?”

“Christ.” Minho swore under his breath. Shook his head. “First of all, we aren’t forcing you. Second, who taught you to speak like that?”

“No one, just…been thinking about it a lot, sick of waiting. I want it, I want you, Minho-hyung, why can’t I–”

“We’ll get there, honey, but you need to be patient with yourself.” Minho planted a soft kiss on Jisung’s forehead.

“Can you… can you keep going? Please?”

“Let me stretch you a bit more with my fingers, hmm? Maybe relax you a little with my tongue. Then we can see how you feel.”

After a little more prep, Jisung was whining and begging for Minho to try again.

Minho repositioned Jisung’s legs around him and gave Jisung another quick peck.

“Take a deep breath for me,” he ordered. 

Jisung inhaled, held, exhaled. Repeated.

Minho was pushing in again, rubbing Jisung’s stomach and kissing up his neck in an effort to relax him.

Jisung really, really focused on loosening his tight muscles. He wanted this, and he wanted to be in control of his own body.

The stretch burned, but wasn’t intolerable. After a few moments, Minho paused.

“What’s wrong?” Jisung asked, frowning.

“Just giving you a moment to adjust. I’m halfway in, honey, how do you feel?”

“It feels weird. But, like, it’s getting less uncomfortable.” And it was. Jisung felt himself relaxing more as he got used to Minho.

“Taking me so well.” Minho’s words made Jisung whine.

After another minute, Minho resumed placing open-mouthed kisses along Jisung’s neck. 

“Going to keep going, Jisung-ah. Take a deep breath, stay relaxed for me.”

Jisung breathed in. Held it in for a second, two, three, before exhaling slowly. 

He felt Minho push even deeper, pushing past his tight walls.

“I’m in, baby,” Minho said after he’d finally bottomed out, placing a kiss on Jisung’s forehead. “How are you doing?”

“It’s…a lot. Feel so full. You’re so big, hyung.” Jisung felt another tear escape his eye – he wasn’t sure if it was the pressure of Minho inside, or the feeling of finally experiencing something he thought he couldn’t have.

Minho kissed the inside of his knee, rubbed his stomach soothingly. 

“You did so well. You feel amazing, Jisung.”

The sound of his name, in Minho’s breathy voice, paired with the sweet praise, was nearly unbearable. In response, Jisung pulled Minho closer with his legs.

“You can try moving.”

Minho pulled out part way. Guided Jisung’s hand to where his cock met Jisung’s entrance. 

“Feel that, honey? Feel how you opened up for me?”

Jisung whined. 

Minho slid back in, and Jisung almost couldn’t breathe.

Minho moved slowly at first, and then a bit faster when prompted by Jisung. Each thrust felt better than the last, as Minho honed in on the exact right angle and the pleasure compounded every time he moved.

“You only let me in, hmm?” Minho paired his words with a nip to Jisung’s neck. 

Jisung let out a noise that was nearly a scream.

Minho laughed in Jisung’s ear, the sound muted by his exertion. “You want me to be the only one to touch you like this? Then I’ll mold you to me. So we’re always a perfect fit.”

Jisung let out something close to a scream as Minho nailed his prostate. Minho dragged perfectly against his walls as he continued to thrust.

“Wan’ that, please Min–” Jisung’s brain had been fucked so far out of his skull, he could barely form words. “Feels so good, Minho-hyung, I can’t—”

“Say my name again, honey.”

“Minho-hyung. Minho. Hyung-ah.” Jisung chanted, brain fuzzy, as if cotton was stuffed in his head. He wished all he ever heard was his name in Minho’s voice, and vice versa. If all he ever felt was their bodies as they touched.

“Come for hyung.”

Jisung couldn’t have resisted the command if he tried. He felt tears leave his eyes as Minho helped him through his orgasm with his hand. Jisung let out a groan, spent.

Yet–

“You can keep going. I’m okay,” Jisung said. “Um, I want you to,” he corrected.

Minho looked like he might protest, but then Jisung said: “Please, please come inside, make me yours, hyung, Minho–”

“Hold on.” It was the only warning he got before Minho picked up the pace, thrusting into Jisung and letting out throaty moans that would haunt Jisung’s thoughts for a long time to come.

Feeling Minho fill him up, Jisung clutched Minho’s back, hoping to make the other stay attached to him for a little longer. He probably was leaving scratches on Minho’s skin, but at this point, he was sure Minho wouldn’t care.

Honestly, Minho might even be into that.

After a moment, Minho wiped his cum-covered hand on the sheets, laughing when Jisung wrinkled his nose.

“Can I pull out, honey?”

Jisung bit the inside of his cheek. Tightened his hold on Minho.

“You don’t want me to.” Minho’s voice sounded amused.

“Just another minute, hyung?” Jisung's voice was sickly sweet as he tried to use his most pleading expression.

Minho rolled his eyes, but there was a smile on his face. “Fine, but let’s turn on our side so I don’t have to hold myself up, hmm?”

After repositioning themselves, Jisung tucked his face into Minho’s body, letting his breathing follow the rise and fall of Minho’s chest. He felt Minho place a small kiss atop his head.

***

Jisung felt the bed shift slightly, waking him up.

He blinked with bleary eyes to see Minho in front of him. Already looking at him.

Wait. When did he go to sleep? Fuck.

“Hyung…?”

“You fell asleep, baby.” 

“How long was I out?” Jisung wanted to crawl into a hole.

“Not that long. Which might be for the best, because I’m kind of getting hard again.”

Minho was still inside him. God.

He fell asleep like that?

“Fuck,  hyung, I’m so sorry.” Jisung hid his face in Minho’s chest. It should seem strange, right? But Jisung was kind of…very into it.

“Don’t apologize, honey, but is it okay if I pull out?”

“Um. Or you could… you could go again. Y’know, if you want.” After a beat of silence, Jisung glanced up and saw Minho’s shocked expression. “Just if you want!”

Minho looked down to where Jisung was half-hard again. Just the thought was riling Jisung up.

His repression was really catching up to him.

“Aren’t you sore?” Minho sounded like Jisung was crazy. Well, he kind of was, a bit.

“A little, but…” Jisung’s hole clenched. He wasn’t sure if it was on purpose or not.

Minho let out a breathy, quiet fuck .

Jisung did it again. This time, it was definitely on purpose.

Minho rolled Jisung onto his back without pulling out.

“You like it that much?” Minho asked, smirking down at him. “I’ve created a monster.”

“Don’t make fun of me. You like it too.”

“I love it.”

“You love me.”

“And you call me cheesy?”

Jisung dragged him down to give him a kiss.

***

After, Minho rolled off Jisung, happy laughter filling the air around them. 

Jisung felt blissed out. Something that felt this right couldn't be wrong. And it was worth whatever aches he’d feel over the days to come. 

He snuggled into Minho, whispering a thank you, hyungie into his chest.

“See what happens when you’re honest about what you want?” Minho teased, poking Jisung’s cheek.

“I just want you, hyung.”

“You have me, honey.”