Chapter Text

walk me to school, or up the aisle

walk of new beginnings

Soobin remembers it all well. It was the first ever day of kindergarten in the new town. He had been protesting and crying on his mom’s shirt the whole way to the building, babbling as he sobbed, “Eomma, I-I don’t want to! I miss my school! P-please don’t make me go…” His mom had been gentle but clear. “Soobinnie, you have to. It’s just like old school, just a little bit different! You’ll be okay. Eomma swears.” She had pinky promised him, which soothed his little kindergarten heart. Still, he had clung to her leg, basically wrapped around her ankle as he whimpers.

The gates were so big, so spiky, so threatening. Soobin couldn’t, he knew he couldn’t. There were new people everywhere, some talking to Eomma, some talking to him. “Soobinnie, come on! I’ll take you to class-“ He shrieks as the woman tries to take him, her name “Mrs Yang”. He stares at her with big round eyes, brimming with endless tears as he clings harder. Finally, after some coaxing and a very snotty goodbye, Eomma leaves, Soobin clutching his satchel as ‘Mrs Yang’ led him through the massive gates. He refused to hold her hand, shaking in fear at all the bigger kids, wearing the same uniform but leering over him. His vision was a mix of the pastel yellow and blue, as he blubbered.

But then there was a boy, in the pastel uniform, almost the same height as him but taller. He had sharp foxy eyes, pudgy cheeks and the same bowl-cut hair every child had. The boy grinned at him, so bright Soobin just stared, tears dripping. “What’s your name?”, he asked, he had a nasally voice. Mrs Yang had introduced the boy as Yeonjun, his Year Two buddy. “S-Soobin.” Soobin said, still grabbing at his satchel strap. Yeonjun nodded, saying it again. “Come on, Soobinnie! I’ll take you. Mrs Kim is super nice, she has a lot of toys in her room, but a lot of them are super old-“

Yeonjun’s yammering flooded Soobin’s ears. The boy didn’t have an off switch, talking about everything and everyone. All the teachers knew his name, saying hi to him, and he said hi with the same fervour as the Mayor of a town. Soobin had never met someone who knew as many people as Yeonjun did, and he thought it was super cool. He watched Yeonjun with big round eyes, sparkling at his new hyung. He’d never been a loud kid, even his crying was meek when he was a baby, so meeting someone who talked enough for the both of them was lovely. Overwhelming, definitely, but lovely.

Soobin got led to a classroom, filled with other kids. Yeonjun waved, and Soobin realised he was going to go. He blinked dumbly, standing in the room with absolutely no clue what to do. Yeonjun, his only beam in this dark world, has disappeared, and now kids were crowding him. He could already feel the tears pricking. Mrs Kim, he remembered from Yeonjun’s talking, helped him out, but placed him in an even worse place. The front of the classroom.

He shook as Mrs Kim introduced him, what seemed like millions of big eyes directed at him. He was terrified. He sniffed, Mrs Kim patting his back, and he said very shakily, “M-My name is Choi S-Soobin. N-Nice to meet you.” He was polite, his mom had drilled that into him, and even in absolutely terrifying situations, he would still say his ‘thank you’s and ‘please’s. The eyes blinked as Mrs Kim escorted him to a small plastic chair. The kid next to him had alarmingly big eyes and a sharp nose, kind of reminding Soobin of his old cat. The kid was blinking at him as he said coldly, too cold for a kindergartener, “Hello. I’m Taehyun. Don’t cry.” Soobin sniffed, but obeyed, even though it wasn’t a command.

The grinning kid next to him leaned over Taehyun to say chirpily, “Hi! I’m Beomgyu, but you can call me Gyu! That’s what Eomma calls me! When’s your birthday? Do you have a nickname? What about pets?” Beomgyu had a motor mouth, which did not stop moving even when Soobin almost started crying again. Taehyun had to stop him by nudging him. “M-My birthday is December 5th… I’m 4.” Beomgyu oohed, saying for Taehyun, “His birthday is February 4th! Mine is March 13th. We’re both 3! You’re older than us, wow!”

The day went better than Soobin had thought, Beomgyu mouth kept running, meaning him and Taehyun didn’t have to speak basically at all. Taehyun scared Soobin a little, but had offered him some grapes at break time, earning Soobin’s trust immediately. He had learned that Taehyun had moved into kindergarten one year early, since he had apparently started walking and talking way earlier than expected, and had an IQ of a genius. They were friends now, Soobin thought. Maybe. He really didn’t know how he made friends, he didn’t really have any. But after school, he knew he had at least one. Yeonjun was right by the gates, talking to Soobin’s mom about anything and everything as Soobin walked to the gate.

“Seriously, Mrs Choi, Soobin was super brave, he made two friends! Soobinnie! Come here!” Yeonjun beckons him, Soobin scurries to the gate. Beomgyu’s still talking to Taehyun, his mom talking to Taehyun’s dad, and they both wave at Soobin, Beomgyu even yelling, “HI SOOBIN! HI SOOBIN’S EOMMA!” His mom just laughs and waved to Soobin too, coming over with the Kangs as Yeonjun hopped on the spot with joy. “See, Mrs Choi? He made friends!” Soobin’s mom is staring at the three children yammering at Soobin (minus Taehyun) and she’s actively trying not to cry. “Yeah. I can see that, Yeonjun… thank you, boys.”

The parents greet each other, Beomgyu’s mom with much more fervour. Taehyun’s dad has the same big eyes and blank expression, but the corners of his lips are tilted up. It’s a heart warming scene, and Soobin remembers every moment. After introductions, the little group dispersed, leaving Soobin, his mom and Yeonjun. Apparently Yeonjun walked home, but he reassured Soobin’s mom it wasn’t too far. Turns out he lived down the road from Soobin, as they walked along the neighbourhood streets.

“Wow! We can walk together, Soobinnie!” Yeonjun beamed at him, eyes shining. Soobin felt really warm inside, like there were a million fireworks, every nerve was burning with joy. Yeonjun had an inexplicable ability to bring Soobin immense happiness. He talked to Soobin, until they got to their house. Yeonjun waved, looking chipper even though Soobin felt really sad he’d be leaving. “Bye, Soobinnie! Bye Soobinnie’s eomma!” He grinned one last time before turning to walk down the road, disappearing behind the hedge in front of Soobin’s new house. “Bye…” Soobin waved. He missed him.

After school, Soobin’s mom heard him talk more than he had ever said in one sitting. He talked about Beomgyu, and how he liked his sandwiches in rectangles so he always swapped with Taehyun, how Taehyun’s eyes were huge like streetlights, and most importantly, Yeonjun. He talked about Yeonjun a lot. His mom was so happy. Her son had never been great with other kids, even in nursery. He clammed up, sat in a corner as the other kids mingled, played by himself while the others giggled and shouted. He was quiet, and never asked for friendship. But now that he had it, he seemed happier than ever.

The first week of the new school went great, thanks to the three boys. Soobin now came home everyday with a new arts and crafts project, a new story to tell of Beomgyu messing around or another beautiful project Taehyun had made, and more memories that he would come to cherish later in life. Soobin remembered this all perfectly 20 years later, every vivid detail ingrained in his head. It had absolutely changed the trajectory of his life, and it felt like Fate had brought the four together. Kindergarten really wasn’t going to be so bad after all, not if he had Yeonjun, Beomgyu and Taehyun with him.

Two years pass by, Soobin is best friends with the three and acquainted with the rest of the class. He plays with Beomgyu in the sandpit during break time, and usually ends up crying because Beomgyu’s demolished another of his sandcastles. He reads with Taehyun too sometimes, even though Taehyun’s usually reading something way beyond kindergarten. And he always walks home with Yeonjun, everyday without fail. It was the highlight of his day, their interlocked hands as they walked the roads making Soobin’s heart soar.

Yeonjun stands on the stage, his little graduation cap on his head. The chair that says “Mrs Choi Young-Mi” is empty, and everyone can see Yeonjun’s searching gaze before it lands on the chair that remains empty in a sea of teary parents. But, to his credit, he doesn’t cry. He doesn’t look sad at all, actually, he just looks mildly disappointed. That makes it all the worse to Soobin’s mom. He’s grown accustomed to the absence, normalising the negligence and just accepting it.

So Soobin’s mom stands in. She records and cheers as Yeonjun waddles up to get his certificate, almost cries as they sing the song, and Soobin watches on like an admiring little brother. Yeonjun’s smiling, but everyone sees the way he glances at the chair, little smile faltering before he musters it again. “Poor Yeonjun.” Soobin’s mom muses. Soobin doesn’t understand, but he feels sad now too. He just feels what Yeonjun feels.

Soobin holds up a bouquet of flowers shyly, the plaque nested in the flowers say, “Happy Graduation, Yeonjun!” in big curly Hangul, the pretty tulips of all colours making Yeonjun smile bigger than he did on stage. “Thank you, Mrs Choi. Thank you, Soobinnie.” He holds them to his chest and smiles a real smile for the picture. Soobin smiles back, but his eyes are tearing up.

“Hyung…” Soobin tugs at his sleeve as they pile out of the assembly hall, “Are you going to p-primary school now?” Yeonjun blinks, nodding slowly as he says, “Yeah. But I’ll still walk you to school and back!” Yeonjun sticks out his pinkie, eyes shiny as Soobin’s tears fall. He sniffles, wiping his eyes before hooking his pinkie with Yeonjun’s. “Okay.” It soothes him, just a little.

Chapter Text

walk me to school or up the aisle: chapter two

walk of maturation

Soobin quickly graduated kindergarten after a couple years, joining Yeonjun in the intimidating world of primary school. It was way bigger. Every class now had a dozen more people, he had new teachers and, shock horror, there was no longer any nap times. It was insane to Soobin, but he adjusted pretty well. Beomgyu and Taehyun were in a different class, but he made a couple of new friends. They weren’t best friends, but they talked enough for Soobin to just sit there and listen. During recess, it was called recess in this school, he would spend time with Yeonjun, kicking around a ball and laughing their heads off when Yeonjun inevitably did something embarrassing. Sometimes, when it was raining, they’d sit in the cafeteria and muck around, yelling and laughing as they played. Lunchtime was fun too; they were now old enough to recognise popularity and status and often gossiped about classmates or ongoing events. Yeonjun, especially, seemed very intrigued by all of it, often making funny comments. He also had a knack of meeting anyone and everyone, so he always supplied more information.

“Oh my gosh, Jungkook-sunbaenim in Year Three is super fast. He’s in the track team for the school apparently, he’s super cool.”

Soobin’s milk soured in his mouth as he listened in on the conversation. Yeonjun really liked this “Jungkook” at the moment, and it rubbed Soobin the wrong way. It was always Jungkook this, Jungkook that, and he disliked it. He’d never met the guy, but if Yeonjun thought he was so great, he guesses he should accept it. Beomgyu glanced at his expression and looked confused. Taehyun just understood somehow. Taehyun was an enigma. He could probably get into college if he tried, but maybe he chose to stay with the plebeians. Soobin deduces he just wants to have recess. Yeonjun was still talking about Jungkook by the end of the lunch, and Soobin had crushed the milk carton into a super small ball of cardboard. He really disliked this Jungkook. He wasn’t sure why, but he did. But whatever made his hyung happy. Soobin sighed softly to himself and walked to his science class. It still made his heart clench the wrong way though…

Primary school was fun. Soobin still walked home with Yeonjun, hand in hand as they traversed the same roads for the fourth year in a row. It was Soobin’s birthday next week, and he had invited the three guys over for a different kind of party. It would be at the local bowling alley, and he would have a proper party, even if it was just them four. He couldn’t wait. He’d stayed up late, making little invitations for the others, with little doodles of bowling pins and the four of them stood together by a cake. Stickers adorned the envelope, and Soobin was excited to see their reactions. It was his first ever time having a party that wasn’t just his mom and dad, because the years before, he hadn’t really had anyone close enough to him for him to have invited them. It was different now, super different. The next morning, he was buzzing. The party invites were safe in his bag, he wore a huge smile as he presented one to Yeonjun, who was waiting outside his gate that very morning, as always.

“It’s your birthday soon, Soobinnie!? You never told hyung?” Yeonjun’s mouth was open as he looked at all the details. “A bowling alley!? Wow, of course I’ll go, Binnie, I’ll bring a great gift!” His smile was gift enough to Soobin. His heart leapt to his throat as he blushed, smiling goofily as they walked hand in hand to school. Yeonjun was brainstorming and voicing every thought he had at every moment. “Maybe I should get you a plushie? Wait, you don’t look like a plushie person… Maybe matching friendship bracelets? Oh, Binnie, I am so excited! I’ll get you the best gift ever, for the best best friend ever!” Soobin blushed even harder, hand squeezing Yeonjun’s as he mumbled, “You are, hyung.” Yeonjun grinned and kept walking. Just walking next to Yeonjun gave Soobin a smile, his energy too infectious to resist. The way to school was filled with chatter (mostly Yeonjun), and Soobin was content.

Beomgyu and Taehyun were next up on the invitation list, and their reactions were vastly different, but exactly what Soobin expected. Beomgyu made a lot of noise, looking through the invitation and giggling a lot, saying, “Hyung, you’re so good at drawing! Wow, is that me? It’s like a mirror! I’ll ask my eomma after school! I’m so excited!” Soobin flushed from the attention they were receiving because of Beomgyu’s shrieks, shrinking into himself as he sipped from his Hey Tayo water bottle. Taehyun was less loud, but enthusiastic by Taehyun’s standards. “Oh, right, it’s your birthday in four days and six hours. A bowling alley? That sounds fun. I can probably go; my siblings don’t do anything near that time.” Soobin was confused by Taehyun’s ability to just know everything, but it was good, nonetheless. Joy spread through his limbs, because they could all attend! He had never been so excited in his life, and the sight of his friends talking and excited for the party, to celebrate him, gave Soobin happy shivers. He ate his lunch, on a cloud as he floated through the school day. He held Yeonjun’s hand especially hard that say, but Yeonjun seemed a bit off.

As Soobin turned to head into his house, Yeonjun asked, “Uhm… Binnie, can I talk to your eomma for a second...?” He blinked but nodded. Soobin led Yeonjun to his mom, Eun-kyung, tapping her arm as Yeonjun smiled politely. Soobin went upstairs to change out of his uniform, as Yeonjun took a deep breath. He was done, and about to go into the living room before he heard Yeonjun mention his mom in a hushed tone. It was bad to eavesdrop, Soobin knew but he had never heard anything about Yeonjun’s mom before.

“So, Mrs Choi, I-I’m really sorry, but could you… drive me there that day? My mom-” Yeonjun swallowed audibly before he continued in a shakier voice, “She’s not allowed to drive anymore. S-She’s on… house arrest...”

It seemed difficult for Yeonjun to verbalise this, since he started sniffing and there was a sound of tissues being pulled. Soobin’s mom’s voice rang through gently, “Of course, honey. I’m happy to help out. Don’t worry, I’ll cover the bowling fees too. Thank you for asking.” Yeonjun sniffed again and thanked her. Something heavy hang in the air as he rubbed at his eyes.

Soobin was utterly lost. What was “house arrest”? Why was Yeonjun crying? He had so many questions. He quickly ducked back upstairs as Yeonjun exited the kitchen, coming down after catching his breath, trying to act completely normal as he said, “Hyung, are you okay? Did you talk?” Yeonjun nods, quickly wiping his tears as he smiles softly. “I’m okay, Binnie. Yeah, it’s all fine.” The smile didn’t reach his eyes. Soobin was worried, but didn’t say anything. Something in his gut told him that maybe he should just let Yeonjun be.

Yeonjun ended up staying for dinner, Soobin could sense something different in him and his mom. As his mom and him walked Yeonjun home, he wondered about what “house arrest” was. Why wasn’t Yeonjun’s mom allowed to drive? He didn’t want to seem nosey, so he kept quiet. The outside of Yeonjun’s house was very different to Soobin’s. Where Soobin’s house had garden gnomes and tulips, Yeonjun’s house had garbage bags and weeds. His house was grimy, outside grey and bleak and his door was a rusty shade of brown. Soobin was so confused. Yeonjun bid them farewell, looking ashamed. It made him look twenty years older, like he had endured a public embarrassment. Eun-kyung nodded, saying softly that if Yeonjun wanted dinner, he could come over anytime. Soobin nodded, and Yeonjun looked on the brink of tears. “Thank you.” He whispered, before he pushed open the rusty gate and disappeared beyond the hedge.

The walk home was silent. Even though Soobin was too young to understand it in its entirety, he felt the weight of what they’d just seen and kept silent. Eun-kyung looked grim, her hand clasped around Soobin’s in a way that resembled a vice. After a couple minutes inside, Soobin turned to his mom and asked, “Eomma…why can’t Yeonjun’s mom drive?” His eyes were round, inquiring as she inhaled and exhaled slowly. “Binnie… Yeonjun’s eomma is…” She struggled to find the words. “She’s…sick.” Soobin stared in confusion, echoing back, “Sick? How? Will Yeonjun-hyung be okay?” She smiled softly at her son’s worry, saying as she crouched to his level, “He’ll be alright, honey. Eomma promises.” He sighs softly, seemingly satisfied. She got him ready for bed, smiling warmly as Soobin said, “Goodnight, eomma.”

“Goodnight, Soobin.”

The next four days and six hours went at the pace of a snail. Soobin was so excited for his birthday party, every second felt too long to wait. He was hyper, by his standards, and his mom almost cried a couple times. It was different nowadays, Soobin had gotten actual friends, not just characters of a show, not just his toys, actual living breathing humans. She knows it’s cliché, but they really do grow up so fast. Finally, the morning of arrived. Soobin got dressed up, had a little pin that said, “I’m seven!”, and even a cone hat. They drove over to pick up Yeonjun, who was clutching a box wrapped in bunny wrapping paper, grinning widely as he hopped in. “HI BINNIE!” Yeonjun gave him a giant hug, Soobin blushed and hugged him back as he mumbled, “Hi, hyung… Is that for me?”

He nods, holding it to his chest with one hand as he pulls on his seatbelt with the other. “It’s a secret until we get there!” Soobin smiled, leaning his head onto Yeonjun’s shoulder as he talks about how excited for Soobin he was. “I was seven, like three months ago. It was like being six, but I felt older, and I was in Year Two then.” But even Yeonjun couldn’t bear to wake up a napping Soobin, who was on his shoulder, so he shut up and listened to the radio. Soobin slept happily, until Yeonjun shook him awake when they arrived at the bowling alley. “Binnie, I can see the other two, wake up!” And so, he did. Yeonjun pulled Soobin out of the car, his legs still a little sleepy, so he leaned against his mom as Yeonjun yammered to Beomgyu.

Both of the two boys had boxes in their grip. Beomgyu’s was colourful, adorned with a giant plastic ribbon on top and a tag that said in his scrawling handwriting, “Happy birthday, Soobin! You’re so old! ” which earned Beomgyu a pinch from Soobin, when his mom wasn’t watching. Taehyun’s was less colourful, wrapped in a grey paper and a small white ribbon. There was a store-bought card that just had the number seven on the front, and in Taehyun’s neat print inside, “Happy birthday, Soobin-hyung. Congratulations on surviving, let’s hope there’s another.” Soobin wasn’t sure if that was a threat, but judging by Taehyun’s smile, it was probably a joke. Probably. The parents conversed, and they all migrated to inside the bowling alley as Yeonjun looked around in awe. He had never been in one, apparently. “Really?” Beomgyu yelled, saying as his eyes went wide. Taehyun jabbed him in the ribs as he said, “Hyung, that’s rude.” Yeonjun giggled and said, “It’s okay, Tyun. It is pretty weird, isn’t it?” He looked around with a big smile, placing the present down on the table in front of the lane they were located for the bowling.

They got some shoes, they were grippy on the slippery wooden floor. Bowling was hard for Soobin, since he wasn’t the strongest kid, and he took a while picking up the ball. Taehyun, good heartedly, stepped in and helped him out. Taehyun was somehow perfect at bowling too, as if being smart and funny wasn’t enough. He got in the 200s, while everyone else barely got 20s and 30s. Beomgyu cheered him on the whole time, clapping and smiling as Taehyun launched the ball down the lane with shocking precision. Yeonjun did the same for Soobin, but he rarely got anything other than a gutter. But he thought it was fun, nonetheless.

Then came the time for cake and presents. Soobin didn’t really want to get the attention of the staff and anyone around them, so instead his mom got permission to bring a cake in from home and eat it there. It was a cake the shape of a hedgehog, because Soobin really wanted one. Instead of getting a pet with the lifespan of 4.5 years for a rather sensitive child, his mom decided to just get him other hedgehog stuff. After an off-key rendition of Happy Birthday, Soobin blew out his candles, clasped his hands together and wished.

“I wish Yeonjun-hyung will stay with me forever.”

He opened his eyes, smiling ear to ear as his mom tried again to not cry. It was a sweet scene. His presents had been laid on the table for a while, and after separating out the cake, Soobin was allowed to open up his presents. First, he opened Beomgyu’s, due to him requesting this especially, which was a set of manga books he had been wanting for a while. His eyes sparkled as he looked over the books, Beomgyu was giggling his head off as Soobin held them to his chest. “Thank you, Gyu! Did you remember I wanted them?” Taehyun silently shook his head behind Beomgyu.

Next up was Taehyun’s grey box. After undoing the white ribbon, the box fell open to reveal a moving hedgehog robot, making Soobin almost squeal with joy. Almost. Taehyun’s small smile grew a bit wider as he watched Soobin fawn over the toy. The perks of remembering most things were that he gave great presents. It was exactly what Soobin would’ve wanted, other than an actual hedgehog.

And last but definitely not least, was Yeonjun’s. He had looked on at the pricey gifts that the others had bought Soobin and felt a little embarrassed of his. Nonetheless, he slipped it over to Soobin with a smile, saying as Soobin opened it, “It’s definitely not much, but it reminded me of you, Binnie.” Inside the box, was a fluffy and derpy-looking bunny plushie. His eyes shone, as he held it up. “Oh, Yeonjun-hyung, you didn’t-” Soobin’s eyes brimmed with tears before he knew what was happening. He clutched all the gifts to his chest as he said between sniffles, “T-Thank you, everyone. This has been the b-best birthday ever.” He sniffed again, tears dripping as the other three smiled.

Primary school really didn’t last long, they all began growing up, from chirpy little six-year-olds, to matured 12-year-olds. The year Yeonjun left primary a year before the others, Soobin cried a lot. Because the secondary school was in a different direction, Yeonjun couldn’t walk Soobin to school anymore. However, they did begin having more and more play dates, because now, Eun-kyung trusted Soobin enough to go out to parks and other houses on his own. They hung out at the park, the same but it was different. Yeonjun described secondary as a place where he had new friends, new clubs, longer classes and Soobin was scared.

Yeonjun was outgoing, of course he was going to thrive in that type of environment, he made friends every time he breathed. So was Beomgyu, and Taehyun was just charming in his own way. Soobin was different. He didn’t have that innate ability to make conversation, and he didn’t have the friendliness or charisma the others had. He was a string bean who liked anime and definitely didn’t like making friends. With the amount of mingling he’d have to do in secondary school, he was definitely doomed. But he still had a year left. Until he didn’t. He was assigned the same secondary school as Beomgyu and Taehyun, the same as Yeonjun, thank God, but it was still all going to be different.

He was terrified.