Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Tsukasa's padded footsteps were the only sounds in the empty house. With a plushie in his firm grip, he descended down the stairs with a sole mission in mind; to get some food!

He didn't know when he started referring to simple tasks as missions. Perhaps it was to make them appear more entertaining and give him energy in order to do said tasks.

Once he entered the kitchen, he saw the familiar note his parents often left for him when they arrived and he had already gone to bed. 

'Hello honey, 

   We won't be able to come home tonight. We will be spending the night with Saki. She really misses you, she wouldn't stop talking about the perfect show her big brother put on for her. We are glad you two are getting along. Next time we will bring you to see her!  

See you soon,

Mom and Dad'

Pride blossomed in his chest, a warm and familiar feeling he mostly associated with making his sister smile. She loved putting on shows for his sister and he always relished in her smiles and giggles.

Lately he hasn't been visiting the hospital as often due to his parents work that required extra hours this season. So, naturally, they went straight to the hospital without dropping by to check on him. See if he has eaten, ask him about his day at school, watch one of his spectacular shows and give him a kiss on the forehead before leaving. 

The kiss might leave a red mark because of his mother's lipstick but he figured he wouldn't mind. Perhaps they could even watch that movie which-

His stream of thoughts was cut short by a loud beeping noise he soon realized was the microwave. When did he even put the food in to heat it? He must have been moving on autopilot while he was distracted by his thoughts.

He had been doing that a lot lately, the zoning out, he means. Even at school. 

The kids wouldn't play with him a lot because recently he was always quiet and seemingly lost in his own world. Tsukasa couldn't help but find that weird as a few months ago they didn't invite him to play because he was too loud. 

Now that he was quiet there and still treated indifferently he wondered if he just didn't like him. Not his loud or quiet personality just him as a person but that thought hurt him more than he'd like to admit so he chose to ignore it and blame it on the fact that there were many kids in that friend group so they deemed it was full. 

His teachers also called him out on the sudden shift personality wise. They asked him if he was well and if everything was okay at home. He replied easily with a yes to each question because nothing was different. 

Nothing except from the fact that he barely saw his parents anymore and that he was worried about his little sister's deteriorating health but that was nothing a responsible big brother and a future star like him couldn't handle!

He didn't know why he suddenly turned quiet and chose to remain sealed in his own little bubble. 

Instead of continuing that train of thought and trying to figure out what was wrong with him, he chewed on his almost burned curry and vegetables loudly in order to fill the silence. 

In between eating he talked about his day at school with a plushie he had set on the other side of the table. He wished his plushies were alive because no matter how much or how hard he pretended, they never responded. 

Sure, sometimes he responded to questions his bear definitely hadn't asked or laughed at the funny joke his bunny (hadn't) said but he knew it wasn't real. It never was. He wanted actual conversation and someone to look him in the eye and give him their undivided attention. 

He sighed, grabbing his empty plate and plushie and heading over to the sink. On his way there, however, he tripped on a lion plus he must have dropped there a day prior and he immediately collided with the floor, letting out a strangled yelp. 

Both the plushies and the plate he was holding flew out of his hands and landed on the floor next to him with a bang. 

Tsukasa was back on his feet again but the damage was already done.

The plate had been shattered to a million pieces one of which made a lazily gushing cut on his palm. His breathing picked up and tears prickled at the corner of his eyes more so about the mess and less about the cut. 

Despite his shaky hands, (when did they start shaking?) he grabbed his plushie firmly and bolted upstairs. 

The second he reached his room, he pushed himself as far as possible under the covers of his bed and cuddled the plush closer to him, feeling fat tears rolling straight into its fur. 

He eventually stopped panicking and drifted off to dreamless slumber (crying for so long sure did a number on him). 

The next morning he was woken up by a pain filled scream. He immediately rushed down the stairs and examined the scene in front of him while cradling his plushie closer to his chest in a pitiful attempt to acquire comfort. 

His mom was kneeling on the kitchen floor with a glass shard stuck in her foot while his dad was standing right above her with a shocked expression on his face. Tsukasa almost gagged.

His mom was hurt because of his carelessness.

Suddenly, he rushed to her side, uncaring of the glass pieces that littered the floor. "Mom are you alright?!" He asked in a panic. 

His mother's eyes, shimmering with pent up rage, locked onto his own wide eyes and his breath caught in his throat. 

She was actually looking at him! Not hiding behind short phone calls or overly yellow sticky notes. Tsukasa would have latched onto her and smiled in delight if it weren't for the current circumstances. 

"How could you be so careless and not clean up after yourself?! How could you be so irresponsible?!" Her voiced boomed all throughout the house eliciting a flinch from the young boy and a frown from her husband. 

Tsukasa's eyes filled once again to the brim with tears. He tried to blink them away but to no avail. His mother's words stung more than the shallow cut on his palm from yesterday. 

He was supposed to be the responsible older brother!

Her eyes fleeted from his quickly and Tsukasa mourned the loss of eye contact, no matter how angry or intense it was. 

Therefore, without a second thought, he threw himself towards his mother and embraced her tightly."I'm so sorry! I swear I'll be more responsible! I swear I'll be better!" He cried out. Please just look at me again!

She just pushed him off harshly. Without any time to prepare himself, he landed right next to the mess of glasses no doubt reopening his previous wound in his palm and probably creating new ones. 

His mom just took off, presumably to clean her wounds. Once she was out of hearing range, Tsukasa let his new unshed tears slip as he hiccuped. He tried to be as quiet as possible, even trying to muffle the noise with a hand over his mouth yet his efforts were in vain. 

After a couple of seemingly endless minutes, his dad arrived with a small first aid kit and advanced towards his son who didn't dare lift his teary eyes from the ground. Instead of saying anything, his father picked him up and set him on the kitchen counter. 

Tsukasa finally let his gaze travel to his father's terribly exhausted face. Did he and his mother always have these big eye bags? He was immediately swallowed up by guilt. It felt thick and suffocating and ready to make him sick at any moment. 

He had just caused so many more problems for his already tired and hardworking parents who were doing their best to raise two children one of whom was seriously sick. 

But if they were actually trying their best wouldn't they devote an acceptable amount of time to their son?

His father sighed deeply before admitting "Tsukasa, your mother is just so stressed over the extra work hours and especially over your sister's health. Both of us are. So... Sometimes, she snaps at the wrong people. I'm sure that when she cools off she will explain herself to you as well, alright?" His dad promised and the suffocating feeling just got more intense, blocking his throat with a knot so he just gave a weak nod. 

"Let me see your palm." He instructed and Tsukasa wordlessly offered it. His dad's brows furrowed and his mouth turned into a grimace. He carefully examined Tsukasa's arms for any other injuries seemingly determined and worried. 

Normally, Tsukasa didn't enjoy worrying others but he would clearly be lying if he said he didn't love the attention his dad gave him in that moment. It was just like before. Before his sister was born. (Don't get him wrong! He loves his sister deeply but sometimes he can't help but miss how things used to be.) It was almost like he wasn't seeing the responsible older brother but his young son who was injured and sobbing. 

A pleasant feeling erupted in his chest, chasing away the guilt because he would do anything got his parents to always look at him in that manner, have no grand expectations of him.

He began to cry even harder and his dad must have assumed it was the result of disinfecting the cuts because he simply took the boy's uninjured hand into his own and started rubbing circles with his thumb and, God, did he miss that.

At this point, he was full on wailing, long forgotten about the cuts and solely focused on his father's gentle voice and the soothing motions of his thumb. If only they could stay like this forever.

That night he dreamt about reassuring words and comfortable circular motions.

Chapter Text

He should have known it wouldn't last forever. Nothing good ever did. After his mom's apology that came in the form of a sticky note and a brand new plushie, everything became normal once again. 

The only times he heard from his parents was when they gave him a phone call to check on him every few days. 

Even after that stunt he pulled they still believed that he was responsible enough to remain on his own and Tsukasa didn't know if he should be proud or frustrated. They hadn't even taken him to the hospital to see his precious younger sister, Saki! 

By now, he should have gotten used to his usual routine, yet after having gotten a taste of what could have been his every day life, the loneliness stung more than the harsh words and the house felt colder and emptier than before. 

That's why he decided to gather all his plushies and perform a remarkable show that could warm up the whole house! 

He had already tried to play twinkle twinkle little star on the piano to get rid of the stillness but the keys felt foreign and ice cold under his fingers.

Having said that, the show was his last resort.

With a random TV program playing lowly in the background and all the plushies neatly spread out on the couch, the show commenced! 

Tsukasa imagined he was putting in a show for Saki and Toya, his two biggest fans, and made them smile incredibly wide! That thought was enough to make the loose lump in his throat dissipate.

Just when Tsukasa hit a pose, preparing for the grand finale, he heard a dull thump noise. Were those his parents' footsteps? Were they just asleep when he announced his return from school? Did they bring Saki with them?

The visible excitement on his face was completely wiped out and instead replaced with disappointment and surprisingly, anger when he spotted a plushie on the ground. It was most likely the one responsible for the thump sound. 

He realized it was the one his mother had given him as an apology.

Tsukasa squeezed it tightly and threw it against the nearest wall in a fit of unexplainable and hot rage.

He then froze in his spot, eyes wide and brimming with unshed tears. 

Why was he feeling like this? Anyone who knew him well, albeit not a lot of people, could clearly tell this temper tantrum of his was greatly out of character. 

Because that's what it was. A temper tantrum.

Something only toddlers did when they felt upset. And Tsukasa definitely wasn't a little kid anymore. He was 8 years old, he was a big boy now! He was even a responsible big brother for his younger sister!

He took a couple of big breaths and held back the tears as he attempted to figure out what was the reason behind his sudden outburst-like a responsible big brother did!. 

He didn't really fancy dwelling on it but the radio silence between him and the rest of his family seemed to be the most plausible cause. 

Even though he knew it was selfish on his part, stealing their parents from Saki when she obviously needed them the most, he believed it was the only choice he had at the moment. 

He just needed to hear them. Even for a few minutes.

So, with a brand new mission in mind, he hastily ate his dinner and thoroughly cleaned his plate. Then, he set his plan in motion and just- dropped the plate. He could feel his heart beat in his ears and his chest rose and fell in an odd rhythm with the knowledge of what he was preparing to do. It all feels so wrong but the adrenaline flowing through his vains creates an odd thrill when he knew it shouldn't.

But wouldn't it stain the floor? Surely his parents wouldn't appreciate cleaning up after his mess. Maybe he could only slightly drag—

No! He was hesitating when he shouldn't be. He had a mission after all and it had to go perfectly according to plan. 

But he couldn't help himself from tensing up and staring at the ice cold phone from his spot next to the counter. 

'Just one call, please. One call and I won't do it. Even if it's just for a few minutes.'

Please just care about me too.

The house remained dead silent.  

Tsukasa wished he could disappear and become one with the silence too. 

No ringtone buzzing, no door unlocking, no soft voices and fragile promises, not even the cars from outside could be heard.

The heartbeat in his ears intensified—which is strange because he had always been told that his heart was in his chest—as he turned back to take in the plate pieces on the floor, his feelings becoming a weird mix of unidentifiable emotions making him feel everything and nothing all at once. 

However, one emotion towered over the rest. Fear. That must be also why he's shaking, he assumes. He didn't want to do this. Not really. 

Although that wasn't enough to stop him! He was a man on a mission in the end (was he really?)! And he would get what he wanted no matter what. Is that what they referred to as "means to an end"?

He pushed his foot on top of a glass shard gently, to test the waters, he assured himself. Then, with a determined move, he fully stepped on the glass, leaning his full weight on it.

He gulped, expecting a great deal of pain but it was actually miniscule. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad! 

It all came to him at once.

He hissed through his teeth and his eyes, once again, unconsciously filled with tears at the sudden pain. Turns out it wouldn't be so easy as it originally seemed.

He couldn't back down now! Just one more!

He finally stepped on with his other foot too which he soon realized was a huge mistake. He immediately went crashing down with no time to protect or right himself. 

He found himself with glass shards stuck in his arms and legs like a cheap voodoo doll of someone whose creator strongly despised. 

For a moment, he felt absolutely nothing other than his heart trying to beat out of his chest and presumably fly away, before—

He screamed.

White, hot pained flashed in his limbs and he scrambled to get away from the mess, as if that would make it any better. 

He plopped down to the ground next to the remaining shard pieces, wincing at the action he didn't know would jostle his wounds so much, and just held himself tight as if he would unravel for the whole world to see.

With whatever strength he had left he pulled out whichever glass shard he could reach with his chubby, slippery hands. 

That was once again a mistake on his part. 

The blood simply rushed down faster than before, leaving him in a small—for now— makeshift pool of blood. 

Tsukasa blinked slowly, lips parted as shallow breaths passed through them like clouds on a winter day. The ache in his body pulsed with every heartbeat, dull and fiery all at once, but it no longer mattered.

His vision blurred, then cleared—then blurred again. He could taste metal in his mouth and smell something like dish soap. His eyes drifted to the corner where the plushie—the one his mom gave him—lay crumpled against the wall, its head twisted awkwardly to the side, like it had been watching the entire time.

Something inside him ached more than the cuts ever could.

He closed his eyes and let the darkness envelope him whole.

The light was warm here.

Soft yellow beams poured down from an unseen sky, casting golden glimmers across a grand stage—his stage. Tsukasa stood at the center of it, no longer barefoot and bloodied, but dressed in shimmering clothes, a brilliant cape fluttering behind him. 

And in the front row…

Saki clapped wildly, her eyes wide and shining. Toya stood beside her, arms crossed but smiling in that rare, soft way. His parents were further in the backv, eyes shimmering with pride. Every plushie he'd ever owned sat in their own little seat. Each one cheering like the proudest audience in the world.

"Encore!" they cried.

He took a bow, his chest swelling with warmth. The heavy lump in his throat had vanished. His hands no longer trembled. In this place, there was no silence. No distance. Just them.

Then he heard it.

A voice, soft and quiet, almost lost beneath the applause. It was definitely robotic but the emotions in it made it sound almost human.

“You’re not alone.”

Tsukasa caught sight of two turquoise ponytails flowing freely and a blurred face. 

He blinked.

The stage lights dimmed, and his heart thudded again—but differently this time. Not from pain. From the echo of something gentle. He desperatly tried to locate the kind voice but to no avail.

He turned toward the voice but saw only darkness approaching from the edges of the stage, devouring the light with every breath he took.

He gasped, a wet, ragged sound as cold returned all at once.

The dream shattered.

Tsukasa’s body trembled as he cracked open his eyes, the golden stage replaced by the dull kitchen ceiling. The warmth in his chest fizzled out like a forgotten birthday candle. He was back on the floor, glass still biting into his skin like thorns from an invisible bush.

He could barely lift his hand. His fingers brushed against the tile weakly, reaching for something he couldn’t name. His eyes caught on the plushie again—still slumped, still watching, a silent witness to everything.

For a terrifying moment, Tsukasa imagined it standing up and walking over to him, tucking him in like his mom used to when he was sick. But it didn’t move.

Of course it didn’t.

His fingers twitched, then stilled.

The tears came this time—silent and warm, streaking sideways along his cheek as he lay curled in a fetal position.

But just before the darkness could take him again…

Click.

The front door.

Another hallucination? Another cruel trick of his lonely, hazy mind?

Tsukasa’s eyes fluttered half-open. He didn’t dare move. He didn’t have the strength. A small part of him wanted to believe—needed to believe—that the sound was real this time. That it wasn’t the dream.

He heard plastic bags rustling. Shoes squeaking. Then, her voice.

“Be careful, Saki, take it slow.”

His mother.

“Should she really be walking this much already?” That was his father.

Another voice—smaller, fragile.

“...Tsukasa?”

He felt something in his chest snap open. Like a tightly sealed box cracking under pressure.

Then silence.

Until—

A scream.

"TSUKASA!!!"

His mother was the first to run in, her bags hitting the floor without a second thought. Her footsteps echoed against the tile. She dropped to her knees beside him, trembling hands hovering over his body like she couldn’t figure out where it was safe to touch him.

“Oh my God—call someone! He—he’s bleeding, so much—!”

“I’m calling! I’m calling!” his father shouted from somewhere down the hall, voice trembling like Tsukasa had never heard before.

Everything felt muffled, like he was underwater.

Saki's small frame appeared above him next. Her face was pale—paler than when he’d last seen her in the hospital bed. But her eyes... those were the same. Big, bright, brimming with worry.

“Tsukasa…” she whispered again, her bottom lip trembling.

His lips moved slowly, barely.

“...Hi, Saki.”

That was all he could manage.

She reached for him with tiny hands, careful not to touch the glass still embedded in his skin. She took the only part of him left untouched—his hand—and held it tight.

“You’re not allowed to leave me, okay? You’re my big brother.”

Tsukasa let out a sob—half-choked, half-laugh. His vision blurred again, but this time from something far warmer than pain.

“Missed you,” he mumbled.

Saki nodded, biting back tears. “I missed you *more*.”

His mother finally found her voice, choking past sobs. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know you were feeling like this. I thought— I thought you were strong enough.”

“I didn’t want to be strong,” Tsukasa whispered. “I just wanted you to be here."

His father returned, crouching beside them, his eyes glassy and distant—like he was seeing his son for the first time in years.

“It's okay, it's okay.” he said hoarsely, as if trying to reassure both his son and himself. “Everything is going to be okay, Tsukasa. Just hang on." He pleaded.

Tsukasa looked at the three of them—his family, whole but flawed, fragile but here.

And suddenly, the plushie in the corner didn’t feel so cold and distant anymore. It just looked… soft. A little torn, a little crooked, but soft. Like it had been waiting, too.

The sirens wailed in the distance, growing louder.

But for the first time in weeks, the silence in the house was gone. 

He couldn't wait to wake up again and find himself surrounded by his family. Just like things used to be. 

If he tried hard enough he could even pretend none of this has ever happened.

His lips twitched upwards and he let his eyes close.