Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Six had always hated the idea of soulmates, to be honest. ever since they were young, it wasn’t something they understood the appeal of. they remembered sitting in the classroom, freshly seven years old, listening to the teacher and their classmates talk about soulmates and how they couldn’t wait to grow up and meet the person who would complete them and live happily ever after. they remembered feeling uncomfortable and vaguely disgusted by the idea that they somehow couldn’t be happy or whole on their own, that they had to meet their soulmate and get married and have babies. they remembered watching the teacher hand out colourful paper and magazines to cut out to make a ‘dream wedding’ and wrinkling their nose at the sight of big white dresses on the covers – itchy looking things. ugly too. they remembered sticking their hand in the air and asking the question that doomed them.

“what if i don’t wanna have a soulmate, miss?”

they didn’t understand, back then, why their innocent question gradually led to them being an outcast. they didn’t know it would make the teacher call their parents for a meeting to talk about where their thoughts had come from. Six had just sat and shrugged. they didn’t think it was that deep. they didn’t know it would lead to their classmates leaving them out as they went through school, or running away from them in case they caught whatever made Six not want a soulmate. little seven year old Six didn’t know it would cause problems. they didn’t know it would continue through the rest of school until they graduated too. it was almost funny now, how much it bothered everyone. it wasn’t funny back then.

Six grew up, as children do, and began to think about it with much more clarity than they did before. they were told it was impossible to not have a soulmate. they realised the thought of falling in love with a stranger made them feel sick. they had tried, one night, to imagine meeting a man on the street and jumping into a relationship with him because their name was on his wrist. they couldn’t convince themselves it would happen. they knew they wouldn’t be able to do it. they found out they were nonbinary, agender to be exact. they found out about pronouns that weren’t just he or she and they/them stuck. their parents weren’t a fan of that one. they were very vocal about it, actually, proven by the solid 40 minutes they spent yelling and lamenting in the kitchen about how no soulmate would want someone like that, how they were ruining themself, how they were doing this to spite them. they decided it wasn’t worth listening to, but some of the words stuck with them. they named themself Six, but only in private or in the safety of online friendships, because they couldn’t stand to hear [redacted] any more than they had to. they didn’t bother telling their parents, they knew it wouldn’t go well. it became a mantra, in their teenage years. you are Six whispered into the darkness of their bedroom over and over again to get them through the night.

their teens were darkest years of their life, characterised by screaming matches in the kitchen, numbers on a scale and neat overlapping scars on their arm. it was only made worse by the overhanging threat of their sixteenth birthday, when they would wake up and see their soulmate’s name on their wrist. they thought about dying, just to avoid it. they thought about it a lot, in depth sometimes, but decided against it. partially because it was a tad overdramatic, but mostly because if they died now they knew [redacted] would be on their grave with no one to scratch it out. Six remembered waking up, sixteen and scared with a name inked in black on their wrist, Toby scribbled in messy, confident handwriting over the vein. they remembered how their heart sank and how they spent half an hour desperately trying to calm down. they knew it would happen, but that didn’t make it any easier. they remembered being accosted by their parents as they came downstairs, how they fawned over the name and how Toby would be the perfect match for their perfect little [redacted]. they remembered how they locked themself in their room and spiralled until they hit rock bottom. they remembered the months that followed. the panic attacks and the starvation and the neat little cuts wherever they could reach. it got worse, but they got better. mostly. they dealt with the fawning and the deadnaming and the misgendering. they had a brief stint in alcoholism. they got better.

for a while, Six hated Toby. they hated him for being their soulmate. they hated him for tying them to a stranger. they hated him for being the name on their wrist. they hated him for being the reason they couldn’t live in peace. they hated him for what he represented. they hated him for occupying so much space in his mind when they hadn’t even met. but after two years of waking up every day and seeing his name on their wrist, they made their peace with it. they couldn’t get rid of it, they couldn’t change it, so they decided to feel nothing about Toby. nothing at all.

Six went to university to study fashion and to escape their parents, mostly the latter. fashion was important to them, though. they found freedom in it, a self expression they didn’t have before. they made friends in real life for the first time since they were five. they discovered in the bed of an unfortunate boy that sex made them throw up and never saw him again. they found a love for pottery. they were picked up at the end of term and spent the holidays being shamed for everything their parents could think of. for their soulmark still being black, for their clothes, for their piercings, for their attitude. they went back to university and got a job that paid enough. they did the maths, they picked up extra shifts, they spent barely anything, and they moved into a neat little flat near the end of their second year. their friends helped them, and they spent the first night at home eating a chinese off boxes in the living room with cheap cider being passed around. it was their favourite memory. they didn’t tell their parents they moved, or that they dropped out of university. they left them to figure it out for themselves when they came to pick Six up at the start of summer and they never showed.

during a heart-to-heart on their balcony, sat in white plastic chairs in the warm summer night air, Six learnt that they were aroace in some description. the asexual part they understood without explanation. the aromantic part confused them more, but they figured they were somewhere on the spectrum all the same. their friends told them it was okay, told them that it didn’t make them broken in the way they were raised to believe. they told the story of throwing up in a boy’s bed when they tried to lose their virginity and was met with hysterical laughter. they learnt that they quite liked kissing, and that girls certainly weren’t for them, after experimenting with his friends that night. their friends came in pairs, Six pointed out - Kat and Saffron, Leo and King. two pairs of soulmates and Six. they watched the matching names on their wrists shift through different colours and didn’t bother learning what they meant. that night became their second favourite memory.

Six got a cat. then another. then another. three orange cats, near identical except for their size. stew (a maine coon), soup (a moggie they found in an alley), and broth (a weird little thing no one could quite figure out).

“stew is big soup and broth is small soup.” was their defence when their friends laughed.

somewhere along the line, Six convinced themself that Toby wouldn’t want them. they weren’t sure how it happened, but they had come to the conclusion that Toby would see [redacted] on his wrist and would reject Six whenever they met because Six wasn’t [redacted]. they were okay with that thought, it was comforting. they weren’t [redacted] anymore. they didn’t even look the same as the childhood photos that used to hang in the hallway that led to their childhood bedroom. shiny platinum blonde curls were now a neon orange mess that they had cut and dyed in the bathroom impulsively one night. pink plastic glasses had been replaced with contacts years ago. smudged eyeliner and concealer hid the freckles that framed their dark eyes like a raccoon mask, layered onto their face daily until there wasn’t any trace of the child they used to be. they switched the itchy blue denim and ugly white trainers for all manner of soft, loose fabrics and chunky platforms. they scattered piercings across their face and decorated their skin with intricate tattoos, swirling lines of dark ink that dripped up their arms from their fingertips and framed the standalone designs. a juice box. a spiral shaped like a star. a cat, a flower, a lion, a crown. wings spread wide across their back. silly doodles and sentimental pieces alike. they didn’t care whether Toby would like them the way they were, but the pressure to be the perfect soulmate remained with them, as did the fear.

King and Leo introduced them to the concept of a queerplatonic relationship. something between and beyond the lines of platonic and romantic. something that existed outside of the rules of having a name on their wrist. they tried it, they set the boundaries and explored things Six didn’t know could exist outside of a regular relationship. Six learnt to love their friends, learnt to love their partners, in a way they didn’t know they could love. they bought a cuff that sat comfortably over the name on their wrist that they wore on the bad days and put all thoughts of a soulmate out of their mind. they let their love grow, let it consume them in its intensity. it was an odd feeling at first, but they became used how their wrists would flick about with joy when they were with their friends, how their breath would catch in their throat when their partners tenderly sent them into a fuzzier, softer headspace, how their skin would buzz when they were surrounded by love and careful affection at all times. it was good to love and be loved. it wasn’t something they thought they would ever get to experience. but they did, and little seven year old Six would be so happy to see them now.

finally at 21, Six was happy, in their flat. they were free. they had their cats and their friends. they taught pottery classes, mainly to children, and helped out at the library nearby when they could. they were at peace.

and then Six met Toby.

Chapter Text

for the first time in a while, Six woke up feeling good about the day. it had been a string of bad days lately, for no reason at all, so to wake up and feel like going outside was a welcome change. Soup was sat on their chest and they could see Stew and Broth at the end of their bed waiting patiently. Soup meowed at them. he was the designated screamer when it came to demanding food. the other two just sat and stared until Six moved then promptly tripped them up. they sat up with a sigh as Broth climbed onto their shoulders. they fumbled blindly for their glasses on the cluttered bedside table and shoved them onto their face as Soup continued to yell. Stew simply watched from the foot of the bed with a blank expression. sometimes they wondered if this is how it would feel to have human children. they pushed aside the curtain to see that it was absolutely pissing it down. perfect.

Six made their way to the kitchen, half asleep with Broth trying her best to make a nest in their hair. Soup trotted happily ahead of them and Stew wound around their feet in his best effort to make them fall over. they truly had the most bastard children. Broth was placed on the floor as Six made their breakfasts, after many mornings of her trying to jump into the bowls face first from their shoulders. Soup finally shut up as they placed the bowls back on the floor and watched as the cats scrambled to eat. they didn’t have their own breakfast, they never ate in the morning. years of disordered eating had its effects in many ways. they did drink a monster though, chosen at random from the fridge. it was mango loco this time. ah, the sweet, sweet taste of dying young at 9:30am. Soup meowed obnoxiously around their ankles before leaving to stare at the birds living on the windowsill, followed by Stew who headbutted them on the way. they loved their little bastard boy, from the moment they found him in an alleyway and he'd hissed the whole way home. Stew was purebred from a shelter, given up by a family who didn’t know how big he would get. Broth had been an impulse addition to their family, after Six had seen her sprawled out in the corner of her pen in the shelter they visited with their friends.

they joined the cats on the windowsill and had the luxury of waking up slowly while they watched the people below with Stew sprawled across their lap. they finished their monster and retreated to their bedroom with cats in tow to get dressed. the empty can was added carefully to the ever growing collection stacked up against the wall. it was almost halfway up the wall now, one of Six’s proudest accomplishments to date. Soup knocked it over a lot in the early stages, before they had invested in hot glue for the lower rows. little bastard. the monster wall was definitely the brightest part of their room design, bold against the sage green walls they had painted when they moved in. their friends had helped against their better judgement and it took Six two washes to get the paint out of their hair. their bedroom was everything they had wished it would be when they were younger.

it wasn’t too big, but they preferred the smaller space. they had converted the other bedroom into a pottery studio, the only reason they went all out for a two bed flat. their friends had secretly saved up with them to help them finally buy it, rather than rent, and they weren’t ashamed to say they had cried. there wasn’t all that much in their bedroom now that they had a whole flat to fill. they had their bed in the corner of the far wall, underneath the window that was covered with a deep green curtain, star patterned covers piled high with soft blankets and a few stuffed animals. there was a bedside table next to it, dark wood painted with spirals of colour. their wardrobe was opposite the bed and their table was next to that, exclusively holding the sewing machine that was bound to break soon. blue fairy lights were strung up across the head of their bed and around the shelves on the bookcase that sat next to the monster cans, full of manga and the few collections of richard siken they had found. the majority of the leftover wall space was covered in overlapping posters. some were official that they found online or in stores, and some were just images they printed out when they found something they liked – they got some strange looks when they walked back from the library with a stack of printed art and film posters but it was worth it for the vibe they had curated. they had found four flags to pin up across the ceiling too – agender, aromantic, asexual, and queerplatonic.

Six went to the wardrobe and stood in front of the open doors blankly for a few minutes before pulling out several items of clothing that, to be honest, they had no intention of wearing today. looking out their window briefly, they saw that the rain had no signs of stopping. typical weather for early november. rain was soothing and they had an umbrella anyway. it was always a chore to figure out what to wear. their fashion was important to them, they had the urge to constantly look as good as possible whenever they went outside. alas, that led to debating with themself for a good ten minutes every time. they sorted through a selection of other clothes before finally settling on an outfit. a layered black skirt that stopped somewhere just above their ankles, layered up even more with lace and satin scraps they had left over from old projects. they held up two shirts to the cats that were lazing on their bed.

“do you think the sweetheart neckline or the lace would look better?”

Stew blinked at them and flicked his tail.

“you’re right.” they tossed the lacy option back into the wardrobe and pulled on the silky burgundy top with thin straps before tucking it in.

they messed with their hair in the mirror, arranging the curls to the right version of bedhead with minimal effort, and carefully built up the concealer over their freckles until they were invisible before artfully smudging eyeliner around their eyes. they pulled a selection of rings and necklaces and considered their leather cuff to hide the name on their wrist. today was a good day, and they didn’t really mind it for now, so it stayed on their bedside table. they found their totoro bag, a gift from Kat, and ran through the list as they shoved the necessities into it. wallet, keys, fags, gummy bears in case they felt faint. they pulled on their comfiest shoes, a pair of chunky ankle-high platforms with decorative star buckles, and grabbed their umbrella. they kissed each bastard child on the head, grabbed their half-empty monster, and was off.

when they got outside, Six realised that the umbrella was definitely a good move because the rain was somehow coming down even heavier than it was when they woke up. they put their umbrella up, a clear plastic one with rainbow stars on that was definitely for children, and lit a fag before beginning to walk. their headphones were a comforting weight on their head, blasting i don’t wanna be me directly into their brain. their playlist was anyone’s guess today. they glanced down at the exposed name on their wrist, Toby in messy black handwriting staring back at them tauntingly, before taking a drag and proceeding to ignore any thoughts of soulmates that popped into their head. today was a good day, and they weren’t going to let anything ruin that. they weren’t sure where exactly they were going, but they figured a trip to the bookstore wouldn’t hurt. there was a sweet coffee shop opposite too, and the owner’s cat loved Six.

walking there didn’t take too long. well it did, it took 30 minutes at their normal pace, but Six was taking their time today. they didn’t mind the walk, the rain was nice, and they didn’t have anything else to do today. the city was nicer when it rained, fewer people were on the pavement and it felt like they could breathe freely without strangers on all sides at all times. it looked nicer too, buildings stained a darker, glossy grey by the rain that shone in car headlights and the odd overly sensitive streetlight. they held the umbrella over one shoulder, letting the rain echo pleasantly around them as it bounced off the plastic during the quiet parts of the songs that played. thank fuck there wasn’t much wind today, otherwise they’d be having a whole new set of issues. they let their thoughts drift as they walked, guided by the music, until they could see the warm light of the bookstore through the heavy rain on the other side of the street. they smiled a little and lifted the almost-forgotten monster to their mouth for a long overdue drink, but while looking across the street they walked straight into someone and dropped their drink. spilled it on the guy’s hoodie and all. great.

he was tall, much taller than Six, though everyone was, much broader too. they could see blonde hair sticking out from under his damp hood, and quite pretty blue eyes. a look of surprise was painted over his face, not quite matching their own mortified one. as if walking into him wasn’t bad enough on its own, he just had to be cute too. fuck. the nervous rambling kicked in.

“fuck, i am so sorry, i wasn’t looking where i was going and now you’ve got monster on you, shit, i don’t know if that’ll stain or not, i hope it doesn’t, i’m really sorry-” the man cut them off with an easy pretty smile and a wave of his hand.

“dude, it’s fine, the hoodie’s already soaked,” he shrugged, hands buried in his pocket, pretty smile never leaving his face. and fuck, he had a nice voice – deep, but not raspy or gravelly, just smooth. it was nice. he sounded happy. that just made the whole thing even worse.

“but it’s not fine, i got monster on you,” Six gestured with one arm, the other still holding tight to their umbrella, “and sure you’re already wet but monster’s not comfortable i know that much and-” oh. oh no. no, no, no.

“you okay, dude?”

no they weren’t. the name on their wrist. the name they suddenly thought they really should’ve covered up today. the name they fucking hated to see some days. the name on their wrist was a bright, blinding white, slowly tinging a pale orange. they didn’t know what that meant. that wasn’t important. they must’ve been staring at their wrist for too long, because they vaguely noticed Toby him following their dead stare to their wrist, and watched the name turning a rusty yellowish-orange. a movement in their peripheral snapped them out of their stupor, and they looked up in time to see Toby’s the guy’s hands come out of his pocket and move to pull up his sleeve to check his own wrist. to check the name. the name. their grip tightened on their umbrella. this couldn’t be happening. they couldn’t do this. they weren’t ready, they couldn’t. not here, not now, maybe never. they weren’t going to see [redacted] on his wrist. today was supposed to be good. they weren’t doing this. they wouldn’t.

they didn’t stop to look at his face. they didn’t care what he might think. they didn’t look at the name on their wrist. Six just turned and ran.

Chapter Text

Six ran. they ran back down the street, fuelled by nothing but fear. tears blurred their vision along with the rain. they lost their monster in their panic and didn’t have it in them to go back to get it, they weren’t willing to risk it. they had to go, they had to get out. they could barely breathe. they probably looked insane right now but they couldn’t bring themselves to care, all they wanted to do was go home. they never stopped running, not even in the apartment building. they ignored the lift and ran up the flights of stairs and only stopped when they pushed their front door closed behind them with shaking hands. they slumped against it, sliding down until they hit the floor. a choked sob tore it’s way out of their throat and their breathing stuttered as the adrenaline bled into the familiar nothingness as the panic set in and they disconnected. too much it’s too much the walls were too close the air wasn’t getting to their lungs their hands wouldn’t stop shaking their fingers wouldn’t stop twitching their head hit the wall as they struggled for breath their ears were ringing their chest was aching they couldn’t see couldn’t hear couldn’t breathe they couldn’t everything was too much but there was nothing at all please air they needed air why wouldn’t the air work where was the air where was the floor the walls the door where were they they didn’t know they couldn’t see couldn’t hear couldn’t feel could only feel the aching burning pain in their lungs nothing else only pain ache pain ache pain ache- oh.

soft fur brushed against their ankle. soft paws patted their leg. something climbed into the small space between their legs and chest. a soft head butted their chest. their vision slowly blurred back into existence. a little ginger baby with her paws on their chest, staring at them. another, much bigger one pressed up against their leg. a third was climbing onto their knees. his little mouth kept opening and closing but they still couldn’t hear. they tried to lift a hand but couldn’t. the little one rubbed her head under their chin, ears flicking, and climbed onto their tense shoulders. they tried lifting a hand again. slowly, a violently shaky hand came up to rest on the boy’s soft back as he filled the space left behind. the ache in their chest eased ever so slightly. he continued to nuzzle their face. the other shaking hand came up to card through the shaggy fur pressed against their shins. their legs inched down away from their chest, and the biggest cat climbed onto them. sound flooded back into the world. distressed meowing came from their arms. they looked at the boy. Soup. their little boy was named Soup. the ache eased a little more. Broth was on their shoulders. breathing got easier. Stew was a warm weight over their shins, purring like an engine. they sat silently, the only sound being their ragged breathing that slowly evened out. Soup meowed at them again and licked their face. they hadn’t realised they were crying. they ran a hand from his head to his tail, to soothe them both. you are Six.

they shifted Soup into one arm and pulled Stew up onto their thighs so they could carefully unzip their boots and kick them off next to the wall. Broth kneaded their shoulders, little paws creating a soothing rhythm as they adjusted to their surroundings.

Six could see the walls, their boots, the sky outside, their legs, and Soup.

Six could feel Broth around their neck, the skirt against their legs, hair brushing their ears, and the cold floor under them.

Six could hear Stew purring, the traffic, and the rain outside.

Six could smell cat and vanilla air freshener.

Six could taste mango from their wasted monster.

Six could breathe easy again.

they were thankful their friends taught them that. it didn’t always work, but it helped them come back after the worst of it. they still felt off but they always did after panic attacks. they were never sure how long they weren’t fully present for, a super fucking fun side effect of losing two of their senses and disconnecting from their body. they knew there were ways to help it, methods to ground them and bring them back sooner, but they chose to just… ride it out. they knew that it wasn’t particularly healthy to just wait until the world didn’t feel faded out – until they felt tethered, as they preferred to say - but they also didn’t really care. at one point, Six had owned a particular blanket that somehow helped tether them. it was bright red and fluffier than anything they had seen before, but it had been ruined several months ago by Leo with a bowl of bleach for his hair. they hadn’t bothered buying a new blanket, even though they knew it would help. they didn’t really see the point.

Six watched blankly as the tattoo on their wrist stayed a solid, pale orange. they didn’t know what it meant, only that Toby he was feeling something. that was something that had bothered them from a young age, when they first became disenchanted with this whole soulmate business. there was some unspoken degree of responsibility tied to being able to see what your soulmate was feeling, that you had to do something about it. they had a responsibility to manage their parents emotions and their own. they didn’t want to manage someone else’s too. they were never taught what the different colours meant. they never learnt either. they looked away from the tattoo and used the wall to get back on their feet, Soup still held to their chest. for once, the little bastard wasn’t trying to maul them and instead snuggled peacefully against their chest, his purrs filling the small flat’s silence. Broth dug her claws into their shoulder as they stood on shaky legs. they stayed leant against the wall for a while before moving carefully to the kitchen, using the wall for support the whole time. Stew followed them without weaving between their ankles for once. they were tethered enough to know that they would fall if they tried walking on their own directly after the worst panic attack they’d had in a while. they had learnt that the hard way.

once in the kitchen, they faced a different problem. they had moved the special tea blend Kat had made them to the top cupboard, on the top shelf, after they had gone a solid few months without any panic attacks at all under the assumption their streak would continue. usually they would just climb on the counter but they didn’t fancy getting a concussion in this state. they sighed and stretched slightly to get a plastic cup off the bottom shelf instead, filling it with water. ew. they weren’t sure when they last drank water, and that in itself was probably a sign that they should drink it more often. on the other hand, water was generally just the worst drink they could think of after orange juice with bits in. fuck orange juice with bits in. Stew butted against their shin as they sipped the water slowly. lemon juice, however, was much nicer. they opened the fridge and took out the plastic bottle of lemon juice they had squeezed a few days ago. much better.

Six left the plastic cup on the counter and carefully made their way to the living area without wall support. they collapsed onto the sofa, a slightly worn out but incredibly comfortable blue velvet three-seater from a thrift store, with comfortable arm rests they could curl into. they grabbed a fluffy yellow cushion to lean against. the three cats piled into their lap as best they could, purring up a storm, and they managed a barely there smile. their bastard children could be very sweet when they wanted to be. Six scrubbed at their face with the heel of their hand and it came away smeared with eyeliner and concealer. they probably looked pathetic. they drank their lemon juice.

rain splattered against their windows, the white noise drowning out the static in their mind as they slowly came back to the world. one thin hand dragged through Stew’s fur in a steady, soothing motion that kept them tethered. the cats seemed content to stay curled up in their lap and they were grateful beyond words for their presence. they made a quiet chuffing sound at their own thoughts and sipped the juice. their eyes gradually grew heavier, the exhaustion catching up as they were tethered once more. they weren’t sure how much time had passed since they returned home, it was still morning – or daytime at least – but their phone was in their bag by the door and they weren’t willing to get up and grab it to check the time. they set down their juice. the rain beat gently against the window. their eyes slipped close.

Six’s eyes blinked open to a dark living room, rain still pounding against the windows as a low rumble seemed to echo through the room. a flash of lightning briefly illuminated the apartment and they saw Soup curled up asleep with Broth in the opposite corner of the sofa before everything was plunged into darkness once more. Stew was nowhere to be seen. they had slept through the day - expected, after a panic attack that bad. it just meant they wouldn’t sleep until the next night unless they were lucky. with the next flash of lightning, they swung their legs down and stretched, their whole body cracking and popping in succession from the cramped position. with a hand on the sofa to steady themselves during the inevitable light-headedness, they stood and headed for the front door after the fuzziness in their head dissipated to find their phone. they rummaged blindly in the totoro bag for their phone, brushing past keys, wallet, something that felt like a food wrapper or maybe a receipt before latching onto the cold rectangle. the screen blinded them momentarily before the auto-brightness kicked in and they registered the time – 3:45am. they stood and flicked the kitchen area lights on, providing a warm yellow light to guide them. they stood their boots up from where they had left them kicked off by the door and moved back to the sofa to get their lemon juice before proceeding to their bedroom to change into something more comfortable, moving faster now they could actually see anything.

they pulled on the softest pyjama bottoms they owned and an old tank top they had definitely stolen from King at some point. they took out their contacts with a wince – there was a reason sleeping with them in was not advised – and found their glasses next to Stew on their bed. they fastened the leather cuff firmly over their wrist, maybe a little too tight, but it was better like that. Six looked in the mirror. their concealer had rubbed off during the night and left the dense freckles beneath visible. they pulled their tangled curls into something vaguely resembling a bun. there were traces of eyeliner left smudged around their eyes. they looked slightly less pathetic than expected. they made their way back to the kitchen put the juice bottle back in the fridge, traded out for a blindly selected monster – ultra blue. decent enough, they decided and pulled it open with their teeth, taking a swig before setting it down on the counter out the way. they weren’t sure why, but they sometimes just had periods of hyperactivity, and while they happened at random points, they always ended up this way after moments like yesterday. which is what led to them skidding around on the kitchen tile to make mac n cheese at 3:45am.

they had spotify open on their phone, the playlist titled too young for beekeeping – don’t ask them why it was called that, they didn’t know, it was their friends’ choice – playing. as they collected ingredients and utensils they sang along to the song, getting far too into it as they bounced around the kitchen with a wooden spoon mic.

“i need to feel like i exist, so please baby, please baby, step into my mist! woo!”

they refilled the cats’ bowls, feeling a little guilty for sleeping through their usual feeding time. they collected what they needed for mac n cheese, the shittier version that didn’t go in the oven because they were impatient. butter went in one saucepan, and water in the other. they zoned out slightly before shaking themselves back to reality and taking another sip of monster. they just got over feeling untethered, they weren’t letting it happen right now. ideally it wouldn’t happen for quite a while. ideally they wouldn’t be seeing Toby for a while. the cats had joined them in the kitchen.

“fucking Toby. why did i have to meet him today – well, yesterday – it was supposed to be a good day. and why did he have to be fucking pretty, the most golden retriever looking bitch i could’ve ever met and it had to be him.” Six lamented to their audience. Broth made a jump for the counter, aiming to shove her face into the saucepans, and they caught her midair before setting her back down with her brothers.

they watched the water continue to heat, slowly bubbling up, and they shoved a piece of cheese in their mouth. only the finest vintage cheddar for Six and their children, even if the bastards wasn’t supposed to eat a lot of it. they found out cats are lactose intolerant a few days after getting Soup, but they were allowed some little pieces of cheese sometimes. as a treat. for morale.

“i don’t even know why i think he’s pretty. like isn’t the whole point of being the way i am not fucking caring about that?” they alternated between each pan, watching the water boil. “like yeah it’s a spectrum but i don’t know shit about what’s on said spectrum, y’know? would be a lot better if i didn’t think anyone was pretty ever. except my partners, they’re pretty.”

Soup meowed at them. Stew looked at them blankly. they shoved more cheese into their mouth. they tipped macaroni into the boiling water and buffered for a moment before starting on the other part, the roux. strictly speaking, they were doing it wrong according to the recipe they found but they didn’t really care. just butter and flour and then some waiting and stirring for it to make the roux.

“hey, look at me, casually walking away like action movie hero- fuck!” the macaroni was foaming over.

they were going off muscle memory for the most part as they went through the motions of roux-making, straining and mixing. many nights of mac n cheese being all they were both able to make and willing to eat paid off. they stared into the saucepan as they added more cheese. was this a soup? solid in liquid with salt? sounds soupy enough. as it thickened a little, Six decided against baking it in the oven. sure they loved the crunchy top, but they couldn’t be bothered and it tasted fine like this anyway. less washing up too. so they took a plastic fork from their cutlery drawer and sat on the counter with their saucepan of mac n cheese, bastard children (soup babies. souplings. souplets. my little dumplings in the soup of life. they thought.) batting at each other on the floor and scrambling for cheese crumbs. they shoved a forkful of too-hot pasta into their mouth and looked out at the blurry city lights through the window as the storm continued to rage on outside. they liked the rain. they swung their legs off the counter, humming along to the kids all dream of making it, whatever that means as they basked in the comfort, easily entertained by guessing when the next flash of lightning would be – they were always just a little too early with their guesses.

some time nearing 5am, Six placed the empty saucepan in the sink and drained the last of their monster before ambling to bed. it was rare for them to be tired after everything, but they weren’t going to complain. they plugged their phone in, now playing an old vod on youtube for sleep noise, and took their glasses off. the souplings leapt up onto bed and arranged themselves around Six. tucked under a pile of blankets with rain pouring outside, despite everything, they felt vaguely okay again. they weren’t sure if it would last, but it was enough for now.

Chapter Text

the okay feeling did not last. Six didn’t leave their flat for several days. they went down to collect a package they ordered, but they never left the building. they knew it was dumb to avoid going anywhere at all just to avoid their soulmate Toby him, of course it was a stupid thing to do, but they just couldn’t. they had spiralled, slowly and steadily, into an unfortunately familiar state of bad. they kept their children fed and entertained, but that was about all they could do. they had managed to wash their hair on the second day of isolation. most of their energy went into fighting the urge to relapse. they knew their friends had messaged them, but they couldn’t respond. they hadn’t even changed their clothes. on the sixth day of their self imposed isolation, they heard knocking on the door to their apartment. they listened and it was quiet for a moment before the knocking came again. they knew who it was.

they forced themself up from the bed and walked to the door on achy legs. they leaned against it, the hint of the first smile in days pulling at their lips, as they waited for Saffron to start yelling to let her in. in 3…2…1…

“Six Polaris whatever your surname is open this door right fucking now! You have been ignoring everyone’s fucking messages for days with absolutely nothing to tell us why so you better let us in right now or i will break this door down and you know it!”

Six rolled their eyes and went to unlock the door but paused.

“who’s us?” their voice sounded terrible.

“oh so that makes you respond but not me knocking? or yelling? or everyone trying to contact you? it’s us. me, Kat, Leo, King. open the-”

“we brought stuff!”

“yeah yeah, Leo brought stuff, it’s whatever – shut up, i’m sorry it’s rude but this is more important, they’ve been ignoring everyone – whatever, just open the fucking door already.”

Six huffed out a laugh before they opened the door, Saffron stumbling into them from where she had been leaning almost her full weight on the door. the other three piled in after her, kicking their shoes into a pile next to where Six’s boots still lay by the door and throwing themselves onto the sofa. King was aware enough to leave the corner spot empty for them to curl up in, causing Kat to settle herself into Saffron’s lap in the opposite corner and Leo to squish in between them, despite the chair that sat angled to the side of the sofa. the consequence of the four of your friends dating each other and no one wanting personal space, apparently. they tried to skirt around the sofa to get to the kitchen area but King reached out an arm and caught them by the wrist. the bare one, thankfully. they still hadn’t taken the cuff off. it yanked them down into the corner and tucked them against its side while the other three unpacked the bags they had brought. Six watched as several cans of monster were placed within reach – well, within King’s reach – on the table alongside a pile of snacks, and a few bottles of cider were put on the far side. they leaned a little heavier on King and felt its arm tighten around them.

“you doin’ okay, doll?” they murmured, face pressed into Six’s tangled hair. they could feel it untense the longer they stayed there, the worry falling off its body and seeping into the carpet where condensation dripped down the table. they felt a little bad for making everyone worry so much. Six hummed noncommittally and turned to tuck their face against King’s chest, ignoring the chatter and the click of a camera that finally filled the emptiness around them. they heard Leo coo as the dumplings came into the room to see what all the fuss was about. their fingers curled into the soft fabric of King’s hoodie. they missed their super soft special blanket.

their thoughts drifted slightly, angling towards self deprecation as they spiralled into thinking about why they cut themselves off every time something went wrong knowing full well they should be around the people who care, why they’re so determined to keep everything private until they break apart. a cold can on the back of their neck made them yelp, snapping them out of their train of thought, and they scowled at the monster can that landed in their lap before pulling away from King slightly to scowl at Leo’s grinning face on the other side.

“you were doing that thing where you overthink everything for no reason,” he shrugged. “i helped.”

they knelt up on the sofa, King’s arm steady around their waist, and leant over to throw a cushion at him. they saw Saffron picking up Kat and moving them to the extra chair to avoid being accidentally smacked, while King stayed sat in the middle, keeping Six balanced as they leant over to fuck up Leo’s hair, pink and blue strands mixing together as he made an indignant noise and threw the cushion back at them. Six felt a smile pull at their face, the muscles aching after days of barely opening their mouth, and yelped when King tugged them back down to shield them from the cushion attack. Broth jumped into their lap and made herself at home in her usual position as a scarf.

“that’s enough of that, boy and others. there’s an innocent cat present.” Kat intervened.

she had moved from Saffron’s lap to sprawl out on the floor with Stew, her long, blonde hair fanned out around her. Saffron was cradling Soup as if he was a human baby and he did not look pleased by the situation he was in.

“you look like shit, by the way.” Saffron said nonchalantly as she opened a bottle of fanta.

Six couldn’t help but laugh, even though it devolved into a dry cough that made their ribs ache. Saffron had always been the bluntest person they’d ever met. she wrinkled her nose.

“get a fucking drink, mate, you sound like shit too.”

Six picked up the can of pipeline punch that had fallen from their lap and cracked it open. it tasted much better than old water from a bottle they hadn’t even known was under their bed. the conversation had devolved into more arguments between the other three, while King stayed quiet. it buried its face back into Six’s hair, and they felt Leo reach over King’s lap to hold their hand. his thumb rubbed over Six’s knuckles, cooing softly at the little cuts he found littered where dry skin had split apart. they felt themself melt into the gentle affection and their eyes fluttered shut again before Leo tapped on their hand. Kat was watching them with soft eyes and made sure Six was watching before she spoke.

“Six, ducky, blunt as she is Saffron is right-“

“i always am.”

“shush. Six, you need a shower.”

they nodded. he was right, they did feel pretty gross now that they were actually aware of themself. their whole body really fucking hurt after days of barely moving and they knew their hair needed doing. they stood and swayed from the headrush but shook it off. King followed them to the bathroom with Soup, finally free from Saffron’s grasp, in tow. they could hear their friends talking in the background as they moved on autopilot to turn on the water. King came in a few minutes later with a bundle of clothes in its arms, including the hoodie it had been wearing. they stripped off the admittedly kinda gross clothes they had on and stepped under the warm water. King made itself comfortable on the floor against the counter as Soup curled up in the sink. they didn’t take the cuff off their wrist. they closed their eyes as the water began to soak through their hair after several minutes of standing under the spray. they knew King was watching them, partially to make sure nothing happened but partially just because it could.

“can you wash my hair?” they asked as they washed their body. they knew King would say yes, it always did. it stood up fast enough to make itself dizzy and Six laughed at the sight, even as they felt their lip split from dryness. they allowed King to guide their face upwards, and gently wipe off the drop of blood with a calloused thumb.

they turned and felt a warm flush settle over their face as King’s hands made their way to their hair, carefully massaging vanilla scented shampoo into their scalp and separating the curls how they had taught it.

“you know we’re always here for you, right?” it murmured as it guided their head back under the spray to rinse. “all of us. doesn’t matter what it is, we’re here.”

“i know.” they did know. it was just hard sometimes, especially when they spiralled fast enough that they couldn’t even recognise it happening.

King was quiet as it ran conditioner through their hair. it’s hands dropped to their waist, thumbs brushing against the edge of the wings inked across their back. “then talk to us. i know it’s hard, i know, but don’t ghost us for five days again.”

“i won’t. i promise.” they wouldn’t break it.

they felt King kiss their shoulder before guiding them back under the showerhead to rinse the conditioner out. Six let it dry them off and dress them, more for King’s peace of mind than anything else, in another pair of fluffy pyjama bottoms and its hoodie, and couldn’t deny that they felt significantly more human now. they put their glasses back on and looked in the mirror briefly. dark eyes, damp curls, dense freckles like a racoon mask. you are Six. they scooped Soup out of the sink and followed King back to the living room where they were met with the sight of their sofa in disarray and a chinese on the table. they let Soup down to join his siblings and settled themself on the floor against Leo’s legs.

“you look less shit now.”

Saffron’s particular brand of care was hidden beneath words that would be abrasive to anyone else but Six knew it was just how she worked. it felt much like the first night in the flat. the same order from the chinese down the road, the same cider, the same rush of emotions they couldn’t quite recognise but oh so overwhelmed with the love their friends had for them. the food went down easy now they felt normal again, and Six didn’t stop themself from stealing from their friends once they had finished their own food. soon enough they were out on the balcony in the unseasonably bearable evening air, watching the end of the sunset from a white plastic chair. the cider warmed them, and they watched as Leo and Saffron bickered over whether the sky was rose or cerise.

“have you considered fuchsia?” King chimed in after lighting its own cigarette. it had managed to fit a third matching chair onto the cramped balcony and had its legs stretched out to rest its feet on the railing.

“are you actually insane?” Saffron whipped around from where she was leaning on the railing. “fucking fuchsia? mate, i’m checking your fucking hard drive if you genuinely think that is fuchsia.”

Six almost choked on their cider as they laughed. it made their ribs ache.

“check my hard drive? you think the sky is cerise, you’re the one who needs to be on a fuckin’ watchlist!”

Leo was stretched out in front of the chairs, flicking through Six’s phone for a playlist. “you’re both wrong, it’s rose.” he settled on one that began with dogtooth as both Saffron and King began to yell at him. he reached out a hand and let it circle Six’s ankle in a loose grip.

“i think it’s closer to coral actually,” Kat commented unhelpfully from the chair next to Six as she passed them their fags. they didn’t know when she had fetched them from wherever they had put them, but they thanked her all the same. she smiled and breathed out a cloud of strawberry vapour.

they lit one and inhaled deeply as they prepared to tell their friends the truth. they watched the smoke curl into the air against the clouds that were definitely closer to blush than anything else and undid the buckle holding the cuff in place. they let it sit in their lap, name faced inwards as they cradled their cider, and examined the stark red lines from where it had pressed into their skin too tight.

“it’s blush, i think,” Six said.

Saffron turned back around to squint at the clouds over the skyline. “you might be right, there, actually.”

“oh so it’s blush and not cerise all of a sudden, alright then. massive lesbian, you are.” King muttered with no real heat behind it.

“fuck off calling me a massive lesbian, you’d suck cock for bus fare and walk home.” Sophie retorted, blowing a stream of raspberry vapour into its face.

that set off another outburst of laughter from all five. the ache in Six’s ribs lessened, even as Kat noticed the imprint of the cuff left on their wrist.

“is that from your cuff, ducky?”

they were never escaping that nickname. Six had told her once that when they were a kid they wanted to be a duck for a while. she hadn’t forgotten. it had began as a teasing reminder, but gradually shifted into something warm.

“yeah.” Six took another deep drag and steeled themself before turning their wrist over and stared out at the sky. it had darkened into something closer to dusty rose now, with streaks of deep orange.

“that’s why.”

“oh, ducky.” was the soft response.

“what- oh.” they felt Leo’s cold fingers brush over the indents on their wrist.

King’s warm hand settled over the nape of their neck as it leaned over and sighed. “that why you disappeared on us, baby?” they nodded mutely. they could feel the tears about to spill over as it’s thumb rubbed soothingly over the cluster of forget-me-nots that spilled down from behind their ear.

“aw, mate, that’s more fucked than my mum’s third marriage.”

Six laughed despite themself and felt the tears escape their eyes at Saffron’s comment. somehow their ribs ached even less than before. they tapped the ash off their fag into the star shaped ashtray that sat on the floor by their feet. they resolutely stared out into the darkening sky and told them everything. how a week ago the day was supposed to be good, and it was, until they were almost at the bookstore and walked directly into him. they spared no detail of any of it, they described the sound of rain on the umbrella they had left by the door with their bag and the way his voice sounded when he said it was fine. they described their outfit that day and the way their hands shook as they came back to the world pressed against their door with the souplings around them. they stubbed out their fag and lit another after a mouthful of cider. Kat slowly exhaled a stream of strawberry vapour and let her hand rest on their arm, just above the line of tattoos they had to represent the four of them. Leo’s hand never left theirs. King’s thumb never stopped it’s soothing motion over their neck. Sophie breathed out a cloud of raspberry thoughtfully.

“honestly, mate, you really do have the worst fucking luck.”

Six laughed wetly and wiped their face on their sleeve. “i know, it sucks.”

she laughed and turned to look at the sky.

“can’t lie, it’s still not fuchsia.”

King made an outraged noise and leant back in its chair. it’s hand strayed down to Six’s arm to rest over the bold number 6, inked over the ridges of scars that never faded, and traced the trails of ink around it. “it fuckin’ was fuchsia but no, you said it was cerise.”

“i think it’s a deep rose now,” Leo said, settled back into his original position with his hand around Six’s ankle again. he skipped through a couple songs until he landed on see you again.

“what does deep rose even mean, that’s not a fucking thing.”

Six let the argument wash over them and snorted as it devolved into who could list more shades of pink.

“you okay, ducky?” Kat looked over with a soft smile.

they thought about it.

“i will be.” they smiled back.

“i already said coral, dickhead, you can’t repeat my fuckin’ answers!”

“yes i can, you didn’t make any rules.”

“the sky’s not even pink anymore, idiots,” Kat said.

the three stopped and looked at the sky.

“she’s right,” Leo said. “it’s just dark now.”

the streetlights below lit the balcony in a warm orange. the lights inside Six’s flat bathed them in a warm yellow.

“did i ever tell you lot that my mum’s on her fifth marriage now?” Saffron asked.

“you didn’t tell us she had a fourth!”

Six laughed as Saffron began to regale them with the story of her mum’s fourth and fifth marriages and their ribs didn’t ache at all.

Chapter Text

as the days bled into early december, Six maintained a carefully curated level of normal in their life. they taught kids how to shape clay with gentle hands, that it was okay to mess up and start over, and how to glaze their creations. they worked overtime in the studio to give their hands something to do. they spent late nights on call with their friends in their studio at home, crafting all manner of things to be fired the next day until they were ready to be sold. they picked up odd hours unofficially working at the library they used to work at after an old coworker messaged them asking if they could help out, with a promise they would get paid. they spent time playing with the animals in the shelter they got Broth from on their days off and considered getting a fourth cat. they kept their leather cuff fastened over the wretched name on their wrist and focused their thoughts on what they were giving their friends for christmas as they browsed the racks in hmv.

Kat had been very clear that she wanted another set of cat statues to add to the collection Six had given her over the years, so they had spent hours hunched over the wheel carefully carving out a set of four little cats, fired and carefully painted calico. they knew Saffron had her eye out for a collector’s edition of the his dark materials trilogy that they had picked up earlier today. Leo had mentioned off-hand that he was looking for the chromakopia vinyl so Six was currently searching for it in the hmv next to the library before their library shift started. King was unhelpful as ever when it came to gifts, with the reasoning of “i’ll like anything you give me”, the twat. they knew it had a fascination with space, so they had a plan to name a star after it at some point before the week ended and give it the certificate. despite knowing exactly what everyone wanted and being able to deliver on it, Six couldn’t help but worry if their gifts were good enough. it was irrational, they knew, but the thoughts came about every year. christmas was always a bittersweet time of year for Six, riddled with memories of tense dinners they couldn’t eat and forced smiles for gifts that were clearly for the child their parents wished they had, rather than the one in front of them. their parents had never been impressed with what they managed to scrape together for gifts and made it known over the dinner table, which always devolved into a shouting match that left Six in tears. they weren’t much into the christmas spirit but their friends had made it much easier, and they had made new traditions together. last year had been celebrated at Kat’s house, where she still lived with her parents who were entirely chill with just about everything short of murder. this year it was Six’s turn to host, as the rotation dictated, and they wondered where exactly to get a plastic tree from before they all sold out. they couldn’t get a real one because of their babies, but a plastic one would be alright. they had a box of second hand ornaments tucked away somewhere, along with some highly misshapen ones they had made together. they’d have to dig it out and check none of them had been broken in the annual fight for who got to put the wonky star on the tree.

they paid for the vinyl, the last one on the shelf, and tucked it into their tote bag next to Saffron’s books as they stepped outside and hurried into the wonderfully heated library. maybe a little too heated, they thought, as they dumped their bag in the break room and shrugged off both the thick fur coat and the jumper underneath. their outfit was all black today. a thrifted fur coat, a jumper left in their flat by Sophie (yet to be returned), a satin halter top that left their back exposed, velvet trousers that had a fun little flare after the knees, and chunky boots with a slightly bigger platform than they usually wore. the regular concealer and eyeliner combo. they followed the unofficial rule they had – if it isn’t interesting through colour, it has to be interesting through texture. they tied their hair back into a bun and put their headphones on, one side left off in case anyone needed help. the library was fairly empty, too cold outside for most people to want to leave the house, so they set about reshelving returns and setting aside reserved books. it was simple, mindless work and they enjoyed the peace. they hummed along to their music as they reordered the shelves in the kids section, occasionally stopping to direct a few people to specific books and help the odd person get a library card. they returned to the front desk and was quickly absorbed in the process of refiling the books that had returned from other libraries back into the system before their shift ended. they were brought out of their reverie by someone on the other side of the desk clearing their throat.

“um, hi.”

Six blew a stray curl of out of their eyes and looked up from the computer. ah, fuck. it was him. his hoodie was grey this time, under a denim jacket with a handful of pins on the chest pockets. his hands were buried in the pockets, the same as last time. there were crystals of snow in his messy hair, and they looked past him through the glass front. sure enough, they could see snow falling in big, fluffy flakes under the orange streetlights. they slid their gaze back to his face and was sure they looked thoroughly unimpressed. they didn’t panic, their friends had helped with that, so they settled for simple apathy.

“hi. what can i help you with?”

they drummed their fingers absently on the desk and watched the swirls of black ink flex as the tendons moved beneath their skin. they couldn’t deny him service, much as they would like to. better to just pretend that absolutely nothing was wrong and they weren’t deeply fucking bothered by their precious normal being shattered on a casual thursday evening. they would definitely be calling Kat when they got home. they watched his face, resolutely avoiding the discomfort of eye contact, as he tried to figure out a response.

“i’m Toby,” he settled on.

“i know.” they said bluntly, not bothering with their own useless introduction. “is there a book you wanted?”

it was actually pretty fun toeing the line between good customer service and being incredibly unhelpful. they should do this more often.

Toby’s eyes flicked down to the cuff over their wrist and there was a flash of an emotion they didn’t recognise before his expression went back to what Six could only describe as trying very hard to stay optimistic. Six knew they weren’t making it easy but they didn’t really mind. it was enjoyable actually. maybe they could drive him away.

“nope! i was just walking around then i saw you in here and decided to come talk to you since we couldn’t talk last time.” he smiled brightly.

Six blinked at him. “that’s weird, y’know.”

his face fell. god, he looked like a kicked puppy.

“like, you saw me through the window and decided to come talk to me while i’m working, even though our first and only interaction was terrible. it’s kinda,” they gestured loosely with their hand. the studs on their cuff shone under the fluorescent lighting. “y’know. weird, mate.”

“but we’re soulmates.” Toby looked confused, like he couldn’t possibly fathom the idea that Six didn’t want to talk to him. they could see the spark in his eyes dim as their face remained flat.

“we’re strangers.” they said bluntly. maybe they were being a little ruder than necessary, but they honestly didn’t care. it was hardly their fault that he didn’t see it as even slightly odd to talk to a stranger at their work. a stranger who quite literally ran away from him when they met, soulmate status be damned.

“we wouldn’t be strangers if you talked to me, though. i want to get to know you.” Toby smiled.

“because we’re soulmates?” they snorted.

“yeah!”

clearly he didn’t pick up on their attitude. or the derision that dripped from the word ‘soulmates’.  

“oh, i have this for you,” he reached into his hoodie pocket and pulled out a can of mango loco. the clunk of it being set on the counter seemed to echo through the empty library. “you dropped it when we met, so i got a new one.”

Six stared blankly at the bright blue can and sighed softly. he just didn’t quit.

“have you just been carrying a monster around in your pocket for a month in case you found me?”

“yeah, actually.” Toby ran a hand through his hair with a sheepish smile. “thought it might be a nice thing to do.”

it was a nice thing to do, and they could appreciate the gesture, but didn’t they just hate that he couldn’t tell they wanted nothing to do with him.

“thanks. the library’s closing now.” it was true, their shift was over.

somehow, their dull comment made him fucking beam. “i’ll see you around.”

they idly noticed that he had dimples. Six sighed heavily as the door closed behind him and rested their head on the desk with a thunk. did the universe doom them to someone with the inability to take a hint and incredibly low standards? they lifted their head and slid their headphones to cover both ears. they smiled as they collected their things from the break room to the familiar intro of supermassive black hole. they shoved the monster into their bag as they walked past the desk and locked the door behind them. the snow was falling thick and fast, the pavement already covered in a decent layer of it. they shivered and pulled their coat tighter around them. their hands were going to be numb by the time they got home. their breath fogged in the air as they lit a fag, the tiny flame giving them the barest hint of warmth before they shoved it back in their bag and hurried home.

“he’s so infuriatingly fucking nice, Kat.”

Six was pacing around their living room, wrapped up in a toothless onesie, gesturing wildly. Kat watched passively from the sofa, covered by their cats. she had come over as soon as Six called her saying they had met him again. they had been ranting for a solid ten minutes at this point.

“surely it’s better that he’s nice than if he was a dick.”

“well yeah, maybe, but he’s nice to the point that he couldn’t take the fucking hint that i don’t care. i wasn’t exactly hiding it! i implied he was stalking me, for fucks sake!”

Kat hummed and patted the cushion next to her. they flopped onto it with a huff. “i just don’t know what to do. he clearly lives somewhere around here and it’s not like i can just uproot my life and move so he can never find me.”

“that’s a tad dramatic, ducky,” Kat laughed. “sure, he’s a bit insufferable for your tastes, and he’s not getting the hint that you aren’t interested in both him and soulmates as a whole, but the chances of you having to interact with him on a regular basis are pretty low.”

“i know, i know. it just sucks.”

Kat sighed and pulled them into a sideways hug. Soup jumped from her legs to land on Six’s as they slowly slid down to rest their head in her lap. Broth mewed from the other cushion where she was curled up with Stew. Kat began to run her hand through their curls.

“i know. i also know you hate soulmates and that the whole thing is scary for so many reasons for you. i’m not saying you should change the way you think, but i do think you should try to stay away from the more negative thoughts about hypothetical scenarios in which he hates you.” she scratched her nails across their scalp. “he’s clearly interested in getting to know you, and even with you being incredibly unhelpful he wasn’t completely bothered, even if he did look at your cuff weird.”

“you think i should give him a chance?”

“only if you want to. if you happen to cross paths with him again, maybe tone down the general twat-ness and see how it goes. if you don’t like how it goes, or if he does anything that crosses a line, cut him off.”

Six snorted. “it’s not like i can meet him any other way, is it?”

they sat up and reached for their bag to pull out the monster they had been given. there was no reason to waste it. as they opened it and brought it to their mouth, they stopped.

“Kat. Kat, look at this.”

they twisted the can around to show her. in confident, messy sharpie was a phone number and a message.

text me if you want :)

“well, ducky. what are you gonna do with that?”

Six just buried their face in a cushion and screamed.

Chapter Text

christmas had arrived in a blur of snow and extra shifts. their birthday had passed earlier in the month with minimal fanfare and had been spent at work, so their friends would be bringing their birthday presents along with the christmas ones. Six looked around their living room with its vaguely seasonal decoration to make sure everything was as it should be. the only tree they were able to find was bright pink, and Saffron had near enough pissed herself laughing when she saw it for the first time. it had been adorned with rainbow tinsel and the mostly unbroken decorations from the box they had found shoved on top of their wardrobe, topped by the very wonky light-up star. Leo had said it looked like hyperpop threw up on christmas and they were inclined to agree. the souplets took great joy in trying to bat the decorations from the lower branches – Broth had almost knocked the whole thing over trying to get a particularly sparkly bauble from a higher branch. the presents were neatly wrapped in dark green paper under the nightmare tree, the cats were staring at the birds outside with single minded intensity. all that was missing was their friends, who were due any minute now, and the dinner. they weren’t cooking a proper christmas dinner, not when they couldn’t even eat most of it. instead, they had made a new tradition with their friends of each of them bringing something to contribute that everyone would enjoy, even if it wasn’t a traditional ‘dinner food’. there was mac n cheese in the oven and the standard cider in the fridge, there was a decidedly not christmassy playlist on, filling their flat with heavy bass, and there was a knock at the door. Six was determined to have today be good.

“it’s open,” they called as they went to get the dish from the oven.

they heard the familiar chaos of everyone arriving at once and Soup yelling at the window as a pigeon landed on the roof opposite, followed by the other two. the world felt brighter all of a sudden. they took the mac n cheese out of the oven as the music made a sharp turn into what they could only describe as year six disco territory as one of their friends changed the playlist. they could hear Kat cooing over their children and Saffron moving things in the living room, with King directing her on how to arrange the food most aesthetically. she promptly responded with a threat to do something involving mouldy socks and a hole of some kind – Six did not want to know more. they startled as arms wrapped around their waist and cold hands slipped under the hem of their horrendously bright yellow jumper.

“hello, lovely,” came Leo’s croon, sweet and honey-warm in their ear.

“hi, Leo,” they twisted in his arms to face him with the beginnings of a soft smile.

Six hopped onto the counter, mindful of where their lemon juice sat half-full, and looped their arms around Leo’s neck. there was snow melting in his hair. cold fingers traced up and down their spine, drawing trails of heat under their skin. they settled on Six’s ribcage and lightly scratched over the colourful starbursts inked between the fragile bones. he tucked his face against their neck with a content hum, breath hot against the delicate, barely pink (baby pink, assigned after the pink debate) freesias that spread over the side of their neck down to their collarbones.

“your hair needs doing soon, yknow,” they murmured, threading their fingers through the strands that were beginning to show dark roots under the blue and pink.

“we can do it together.”

Leo’s lips brushed over their neck as he spoke, followed shortly by a second, proper kiss to where their heartbeat fluttered beneath dry lips.

“you need lip balm,” they said.

“can i have some of yours?” Leo pulled away from their neck with a look on his face that made Six pause.

“yes?”

the look shifted to a decidedly mischievous smile before he leant in to kiss them, gentle and snowfall-soft in his love as he always was, even as the macarena played unfortunately loud.

King burst their tender bubble with an indignant shout. “oi! stop kissing without me!”

Leo’s hands slipped down to their waist as he pulled away, lips shiny with Six’s cherry flavoured lip balm. his thumbs stroked over the soft skin there even as he was pulled into another kiss by King, far less gentle but no less loving. Six cradled their lemon juice with both hands and watched them with a distinctly happy feeling buzzing under their skin. they idly wondered if their life would be different, better, if they had their partners’ names on their wrist instead. they wished it was that way sometimes. they were brought out of their thoughts by warm, calloused hands that cradled their face like they were something precious. King’s lips were soft against their own and they hummed softly as they felt Leo trail kisses down their neck and over their bare shoulder where their jumper had slipped down. the sound of young justin bieber blasting from the living room didn’t help the mood but they managed well enough until Saffron coughed loudly next to them. Six jumped and their eyes shot open.

“did you have to do that?”

“yes. stop kissing in the kitchen.” she stared blankly at the way King pressed its cheek to Six’s before opening the fridge to pull out the bottles of cider. “lets go, gays.”

Leo sighed against their shoulder before pulling away and tugged their jumper back up. “she always ruins it. also you’re definitely gonna have some marks there, lovely.”

he grinned at their sigh before he followed Saffron back into the living room and Six could faintly hear him bothering her underneath the sound of a steps song. they really should delete the year six disco playlist. King’s thumbs swept across their cheeks, following the path of their freckles.

“you been doin’ okay, doll?” its eyes searched theirs, soft with love, and they held the eye contact easily. it wasn’t uncomfortable this time.

they tilted their head a little. “haven’t been bad, just… kinda normal? seasonal bullshit aside, i’ve been normal.”

it stared for a moment longer before it smiled. “that’s alright, then.” it tugged them down from the counter with a careful grip on their wrists. “you go, i’ll bring the food in.”

the sky had completely darkened by the time they had eaten and plates had been returned to the kitchen to clear the table for presents. Six had forced their friends to put something other than year six disco music on, so Kat had chosen something close enough to what she called the weird indie stuff with a few softer songs in the mix. Leo had taken a corner of the sofa, and Six had their usual one, legs hooked over the arm and spread out across the middle. Saffron had claimed the plush green armchair for herself, citing that it was a no-touching day and she would hit them if they did – King had tried to poke her and was, as promised, slapped. on its second attempt she had bit its hand, so it retreated to the safety of the sofa with Six’s head in its lap. Kat had sprawled herself out on the floor, as usual, in front of the hyperpop-vomit tree to pass out presents at a far more reasonable pace than anyone else would have done it. Stew had made himself a comfortable weight on Six’s chest while the other two curled up in the cat tree by the balcony doors. they let themself bask in the sounds of enjoyment as their friends opened their gifts while quietly opening their own. they couldn’t quite show their happiness the way others did, but their hands flicked about when they opened the messily wrapped set of tools and new types of clay from Saffron, and Kat recognised the repeated wowowow sound as something joyful when they opened the bundle of flowing skirts and dresses. Stew was decidedly unimpressed when he sniffed the gorgeous perfumes King gave them and jumped down to join his siblings in the cat tree. they paused as they finished unwrapping their last gift.

“Leo. this is my blanket. my blanket.”

they held a familiar swath of fluffy, bright red fleece in trembling hands. it was their special blanket. the super soft special blanket that Leo had spilt bleach on all those months ago. the same colour, the same fabric, the same brand on the label. it was their blanket.

“it is. identical to the old one i ruined, but i won’t ruin this one.”

they pulled the blanket up to cover their face and made the high pitched sound, almost a squeal, that only came out when they were unbelievably, overwhelmingly happy. they heard Leo laugh from outside their blanket cave.

“it was a good choice then?”

they squealed again and fussed with the blanket until it covered them fully. they had missed being able to completely hide underneath it. why they let their tendencies get the better of them, they didn’t know. they should have bought a new one months ago. but this was better, somehow. it felt better than the new blanket was a gift rather than something they had bought themself. after several minutes, at least three songs, they brought the blanket down from their face.

“i think i’m gonna text him at some point.”

King’s hand carded through their curls, careful of their pattern. “no reason why not to, if that’s what you wanna do.”

“i forgot he gave you his number. i still think he’s kinda weird, but if you want to talk to him that’s your choice, mate.”

Six hummed. “feels like it’s just some weight on my shoulders to do nothing when he clearly wants me to.”

“you should only do something if you want to, ducky, not because he wants you to.” Kat’s head popped up from the other side of the table. “you know that, right?”

“yeah, i know that logically. i do want to.” logic versus emotion was always something difficult for them. there was a difference they weren’t sure they could explain.

“that’s that, then.” her head ducked back down.

they pulled the blanket back up over their face and the conversation continued around them. they let the warmth of love settle into their bones and buzz underneath their skin in a familiar, flickering rhythm. as far as christmas goes, this one would probably rank number one.

Chapter Text

new year passed uncelebrated in Six’s little flat, as usual. they continued with their life, as usual. they played with the new tools and clays Saffron had gifted them. they had depressive dips and hyperactive 3am sessions, as usual. they created new clothes and altered old ones, as usual. they messaged Toby, for entirely unclear reasons. it wasn’t particularly groundbreaking.

SIX: idk why you gave me your number but hi.

he had been… excitable.

that guy: you messaged me!!

that guy: hi!!

that guy: how are you??

Six ignored the chat for a few hours as they brought purpose back to a forgotten green jumper from the back of their wardrobe and cut it to patchwork pieces to add to a skirt Kat had asked them to make in exchange for a raspberry cheesecake. they would kill a man for Kat’s raspberry cheesecake. she’d asked for something patchwork and earthy-fairy, in line with her aesthetic, so they were going to deliver. it could do with more brown, though, they thought idly. they’d go to the charity shop soon.

SIX: i’m fine. you?

they felt a sense of obligation to try a little, even if their heart thumped heavy in their chest at the idea. logically, they had no reason to. emotionally, they felt they had to. it wasn’t easy to shake off the ideas that had been drilled into them since childhood about being the good soulmate. so the conversation continued, despite how dry and sparse their responses were, until a couple weeks later Toby asked them something.

that guy: do you wanna meet up??

that guy: like for coffee or smth

they had stared at the text for a full minute before leaving the app and calling their friends. one call full of side rants and several entirely unrelated topics later, they came to an answer and reopened the app.

SIX: sure. when?

so in late january, Six found themself walking to the café opposite their favourite bookstore with anxiety an oppressive weight between their ribs and in their throat. it was soothed slightly by their choice of outfit. black boots that Saffron had painted with her namesake flowers. black fleece-lined tights. a deep blue skirt, fluttering layers embroidered with stars, from Kat’s christmas present. a sheer, long sleeved top in a matching blue. a charmeuse top with delicate straps in a darker shade of blue that Six had spent a painfully long time embroidering with ursa minor, for their namesake star Polaris. their favourite black fur coat, warm against the biting wind. their leather cuff was secure over the name on their wrist, comfortable in ways more than one – it had become a choice they liked, rather than a bitter one. an assortment of jewellery with several pieces borrowed from Leo, including the silver band crowned with a piece of what they thought was sapphire that fit snug on their ring finger. the heady jasmine-rose perfume from King on their pulse points. their hair was pulled back into a claw clip patterned with flowers. each choice was made deliberately, with help from their council of cats, until they were surrounded by their friends even without them physically there. they breathed in the fragrance mixed with cigarette smoke that lingered on their collar and felt their shoulder untense slightly. their phone was in their bag, bumping against the unopened ultra fiesta with every step, ready for them to message their friends as soon as they were done here or if they needed an early escape. their headphones were a comfort, drowning out any unwanted thoughts with revolution radio. their makeup was a familiar mask of confidence. they were ten minutes early, as they were to anything. they stubbed out their fag on the pavement as they reached the doors. you can do this. you are Six.

they entered the warmth of the café and pulled their headphones to the side. there was no sign of Toby yet. the weight in their ribs lessened in a way they hadn’t felt since they blocked their parents’ numbers. they ordered a blackberry tea with a little lemon and sat at a table with it, close enough to the door to make a quick escape if needed. they draped their coat over the back of the chair with their bag and let the tea warm their hands as they waited for him to arrive. they were waiting on their third cup when he turned up, and watched his face light up when he saw them. his hair was windswept and his cheeks were pink with cold. his hoodie was the same green one from their first encounter. his jacket was the same denim one from their second. his jeans were a different shade of blue to the jacket. his trainers were muddy. they tracked him across the café as he ordered and came to the table with a hot chocolate. they swallowed the anxious weight in their throat with a sip of blackberry tea. they paused their music before the next song could begin and slid their headphones down to hang around their neck as he sat. they watched his eyes flick to the cuff on their wrist with that same expression as before, something that nudged a memory in the back of their mind they couldn’t quite remember, before his expression smoothed back out.

“hi,” they said, tone and face carefully blank. placid, almost. they refused to trip over their words this time.

“i didn’t actually think you’d say yes, honestly,” Toby flashed them a dimpled smile. “you weren’t exactly happy to see me.”

so he could take a hint, he just refused to listen to it.

“so you saying yes to a date is actually really cool.”

Six frowned at him. “this isn’t a date.”

Toby frowned back. “yes it is.”

“you didn’t say it was a date, you just asked to meet up. that’s not a date.” Six sipped their tea. “that’s called meeting up.”

“why wouldn’t it be a date, though? we’re soulmates, soulmates go on dates!” Toby blew on his hot chocolate before drinking it then looked as though he regretted it. Six hid a smile in the rim of their teacup.

“not me. i don’t do that.” they said bluntly. “the whole dating and romance thing isn’t something i do. soulmates in general, i don’t do.”

Toby frowned at them again, more irritated this time. that was an expression they knew well. “then what’s with that? if you don’t ‘do’ love.” he gestured at their neck.

they hadn’t said they don’t do love. they loved plenty. they loved their cats. they loved fashion. they loved pottery. they loved their friends. they loved their partners. Six assumed he was talking about the marks said partners had left around their neck a few nights ago. they bore them proudly.

“i didn’t say i don’t do love, i said i don’t do romance. there’s a difference.” they ignored his question. it wasn’t his business. they sipped their tea.

“love and romance are the same thing.”

“they’re not. you can love things without romance involved. parents, siblings, pets. no romance there.”

Toby looked thoughtful as he drank his hot chocolate. they loved making people realise the two weren’t the same thing.

“that’s fair, i guess. but you didn’t answer my question.”

“not your business, innit?” Six smiled at him.

“but-“

“not your fucking business.” they smiled again, sharper this time.

Toby held his hands up in defeat with a smile that wasn’t quite a smile, too jilted to be genuine. they knew it wasn’t a real defeat. they knew the topic would come back if they kept talking to him. they felt their shoulders tense up as he pulled his jacket off and pulled up the sleeve of his hoodie. there was no running away this time. they watched as he showed his arm, name facing up. they stared at the bold letters that spelt their name in the harsh capital letters they knew to be their own handwriting. it was their name, not [redacted]. it was Six, in stark white on his wrist. they felt the tension bleed out of them as they stared at it, even as it tinged a barely-there blue.

“so you can feel!” Toby laughed

they snapped their gaze up to look at him. “what does that mean?”

 “well you know how they change based on colours? your name is almost always just white, so i thought you were just sleeping every time i looked at it, but no one can sleep that much. sometimes it’s like this, with super faint colours, but it’s barely ever fully coloured like they’re supposed to be. i think it’s only been fully coloured like, twice! once when we first met, it was bright orange, dude. like, super bright orange, so you were probably really scared then. then it’s been pink a few times, which makes sense cause if you’ve got that going on,” he gestured at their neck again with a weird look, “then you must have love somewhere in you. kinda thought it would’ve been red though.” he trailed off.

Six now knew three colours of the name. white was sleep, or their natural state of apparent nothingness. pink was love of some kind, though Toby seemed to have already forgotten what they said about love. orange was fear, like their hair. currently it was more yellow, they needed to retouch it soon. red was something like love, but he hadn’t specified. three was already more than enough.

“so you thought just because it’s white all the time, i don’t feel? that’s fucking stupid, obviously i can feel.”

“most people’s are usually blue. look, it’s already gone!” sure enough, the name on his wrist had reverted to white again. “that can’t be normal.”

“good to know i’m abnormal to you,” they said drily.

“i didn’t mean it like that, god. just- i bet mine’s blue most of the time, if you look at it. why do you wear that anyway, that cuff thing, it can’t be comfortable.”

“because as i said,” they drained their tea and set the empty cup on the table. “i don’t do soulmates. i wear it to cover the name so i don’t have to look at it.”

there was a flicker of something like anger in Toby’s eyes before it vanished, replaced by that dimpled smile again. how odd.

“what do you mean you don’t do soulmates? everyone does soulmates, that’s how it works. you have my name on your wrist, we are soulmates.”

“i don’t do romance. i don’t do dating. i don’t believe in the whole ‘love at first sight’ bullshit. i don’t do relationships.” they drummed their fingers on the table, idly noting the dried clay underneath their nails, and watched the sapphire on Leo’s ring glint under the warm lighting. that flash of anger was back in Toby’s eyes as he saw the ring, gone just as fast, but they saw it. even avoiding eye contact, they saw it. “you want to get to know me, fine, but i’m not gonna date you just ‘cause of the whole soulmate shit. we aren’t dating. this isn’t a date.”

they watched his face carefully. emotions flickered across it, clearer than glass, though they couldn’t recognise all of them. frustration, irritation, and anger, though, Six knew. his expression returned to the one that Six was starting to believe wasn’t as real as they first thought it was. it felt a little like drowning, they thought, to try and navigate something entirely new with someone they were sure they never would have talked to without the universe tying them together. new emotions to map out and mask their reactions to, a new man to try and get their point across to without being talked down into humiliation, an entirely new situation they couldn’t escape from. it felt a lot like drowning, actually, in the oppressive and icy-cold waters of the frozen lake they grew up next to.

“so, what? friends?” he smiled.

“yeah,” they said carefully. “friends, maybe.”

Toby held his hand out over the table. “i’m Toby, nice to meet you.”

Six shook it and subtly rubbed the texture of his skin off on a napkin. they did not enjoy touching strangers, no matter how brief. “i’m Six.”

Toby smiled at them in that curious, dimpled way.

“so… what’s your favourite colour?”

a few days later, Six was in their bathroom, face clear of makeup and dressed in a stained t-shirt and a ratty pair shorts, with Leo and several pots of hair dye. the sky had darkened outside into what he was adamant was burnt orange this time, even as it slowly bled into the cloudy blue of city night. Six let him have the win. their blanket was kept far away, bundled up on their bed, to keep it from being ruined again. they had chosen the dedicated playlist for the night, a shared one called bathroom funtime that they both added songs to, and had their phone precariously balanced on the edged of the sink where it was playing murder on the dancefloor. there was a can of ultra white open on the counter next to a plastic cup of iced coffee. the bathroom was warm and Six could feel the familiar overexcitement of the process bubble up in their throat like birdsong. it spilt from their lips in a flurry of chirps and tongue clicks that Leo mimicked imperfectly with a smile. their hair was plastered with dye stripper and tucked into a plastic bag in place of a processing cap, getting rid of the yellow remains of bright orange as they applied bleach to Leo’s roots with a well-used brush and their bare hands. they glanced at his wrist, saw King in swirling letters painted a shade somewhere close to turquoise. blue and green.

“what do the colours mean?”

“for the names? thought you weren’t interested in that.”

they hummed. “been thinking about it recently. i know white is sleep, orange is fear, and pink is love.”

“blue means happy, or content, and green is for pain or sickness. so King’s turquoise right now cause it has a cold, which would be green, but because it’s almost back to normal and it’s been fixated on a new game, there’s more blue than green.”

blue is happy, in varying degrees. green is pain or illness. that was two more colours.

“what does red mean?” they asked quietly.

Leo twisted to face them from his seat on the toilet lid with a look that was somewhere between confused and concerned. they ignored him as they rinsed out the tub of bleach in the sink. the music had changed to abba, the winner takes it all.

“why red?”

“Toby said something when i met him the other day about how he expected my name to be red ‘cause he saw the marks you and King left. he kept getting like, secretly annoyed too, when i said about how i’m not into romance or soulmates. i don’t really get it.”

Leo made a soft sound of understanding. “red is about lust, or sexual attraction. purple is for anger. yellow is stress or exhaustion. the exact feeling changes based on the shade but they’re the main ones.”

so their initial assumption that red was something close to love was wrong, it was just about sex. how utterly fucked up to have a recognisable emotion emblazoned on your wrist that was just about sexual desire. they could at least confirm that their name would never be red on Toby’s wrist, even if his name did turn crimson. they refrained from making their tangent audible.

“weird. thanks.”

“no problem. wanna play cards while this does its thing?”

after several rounds of rummy that Six won with increasing glee each time, the bleach and dye stripper was washed out, leaving Six with their natural platinum blonde and Leo with slightly yellow roots.

“where’s your orange?”

Six flashed him an impish smile. “gone! i’m changing it!”

Leo began to match their expression as they pulled out several tubs of a bright, deep green dye from a carrier bag by the counter. his phone rang from the counter and they shared a look before Six answered.

“hi, King,” they drew out the vowels with a giggle.

“of course you’re together,” it sighed but Six could hear the smile. “Leo, baby, your name just went the most blindin’ shade of blue. what are you two up to?”

Leo glanced at them and they both giggled before answering in sync. “nothing.”

“i know this blue, you’re definitely up to somethin’, aren’t you?” they could hear the love in its voice as its name tinged pink on Leo’s wrist. it was still novel to them to be asked what are you up to without it being an attack.

“you’ll see, just be patient!” Leo said as he opened the pots of bubblegum blue and pink dye.

“fine, but i wanna be the first fuckin’ person you tell about whatever’s goin’ on there.”

“fine,” Leo copied its tone. “love you, bye!”

“love you too.” King paused, then added in a softer tone. “love you, Six.”

that was new. usually the ‘i love you’ at the end of phone calls wasn’t an event Six was included in, and they were okay with that, but it filled them with something so intense they could barely breathe to hear it directed at them too.  

“love you too.” the call ended.

“you seem overwhelmed.”

they were. they picked up the now clean tint brush and dipped it in the pink dye as Leo sat back down with his iced coffee, now significantly less iced. he had a look on his face, head tilted up to watch them from a new perspective. they were fairly confident it was a good overwhelmed, now that their breath wasn’t caught in their throat, but there was so much emotion, like an ocean whipped into a storm-driven frenzy. their free hand tapped against their leg but it wasn’t enough. Leo took the brush from their hand and placed it back in the dye so they could flutter freely.

“i am. not bad overwhelmed, but that was new. new without any warning.”

there was warning, technically. it wasn’t a secret that they were loved. they could feel it in the way King washed their hair and held them like they mattered, and in how Leo did their skincare on bad days and pressed cold cans against their neck just to be annoying. they could see it clear as day on its face whenever it saw them, the same way it looked at Leo, the same way Leo looked at them now. it was so open, so undeniably true. they knew they were loved. but that didn’t make hearing it any less of a shock, especially when it was in what Six had always considered a ritual between their partners who were dating, not queerplatonic. they said as much to Leo. he nodded in understanding.

“so it’s not that you didn’t know, just that you didn’t expect it?”

they nodded and picked up the brush again to begin applying the dye to his roots. the frenzied ocean calmed until it felt more like their childhood lake during summer, warm and still.

“so we can say we love you, that’s okay?”

“now i know you’ll do it, yeah.”

Leo tilted his head back up and got a streak of pink down his cheek as a result. he had that look on his face again, the same one he had in the kitchen last month.

“i love you.” he said simply.

Six felt their face heat up and they pushed his head back down as he laughed. they finished applying the pink and began on the blue half before they replied.

“love you too.”

mary on a cross was playing as they switched places. Six’s hair always took longer, expectedly as their thick curls reached halfway down their ribcage. after many songs of mismatched genre and twice as many ridiculous conversation topics, from a debate over shades of blue to whether horses can speak to god (Six was of the opinion they could, because why else would they look like that), their hair was coated in vivid green. as was their shirt, their ears, and Leo’s fingers. their can of ultra white had multicoloured fingerprints smeared over it, and their deck of cards gained a few stains as they passed the time on the bathroom floor. Leo jumped as the timer went off halfway through a bastardised version of uno that he was losing and threw his many cards down in defeat.

“they literally look like they’ve been exposed to horrors they can’t comprehend, of course they can speak to god. or at least see god.”

Leo was bent over the bath, rinsing out the dye. “but they’re horses, maybe they just have generational trauma from being in the wars.”

“i don’t think horses can pass on trauma like that.”

“but you think they can speak to god, like that makes any more sense.”

“can’t hear you the water’s too loud.”

“yes you can shut up!”

“nope, don’t know what you’re saying.”

“i love you.” Leo switched the water back to run from the tap and straightened up with a smug look as they faltered. bastard, they thought. they should’ve known he’d use it against them.

“you can’t say that just to win, that’s not fair!” they flicked a towel at him in a weak attempt at defence. all he did was catch it and use it to dry his hair off.

“i’d call that a skill issue.” he kissed their forehead.

they grumbled wordlessly as they stuck their head under the shower, resigned to their defeat. surely they’d develop an immunity to being told i love you after hearing it enough, like drinking poison. they had to. being beaten that easily was just a little pathetic honestly, how could they ever win a debate again if that was all it took for them to lose? they watched the green run down the drain with that same birdsong joy in their throat and chirped happily as the water ran clear at last. they squeezed the excess water out as Leo turned the tap off and went through their routine before the pair left the bathroom. they found the cats piled up on their bed and sat down to dry their hair, watching from the corner of their eye as Leo pulled out pyjamas for them both and changed. a painfully long time later, their hair was dry and they could change too. Leo’s shirt and King’s joggers, both oversized, and a pair of fluffy socks. they curled up in bed against Leo and burrowed under the many layers of blankets, excitement fading into sleepiness.

“wait we have to show King!”

Leo grabbed his phone from the bedside table and opened their group chat. he squished their cheeks together for a selfie with their freshly green hair visible around them like a cloud. he sent it and within the minute their phones were buzzing with a stream of messages. Six ignored theirs and closed their eyes.

“it says your hair looks stunning and you look real cute right now.”

Six just hummed in response, too tired to form words. they were warm and comfortable and it felt like they had sunk to the bottom of the lake, surrounded by peaceful water that felt an awful lot like love.  

Chapter Text

on a particularly bright day in february, Six’s phone lit up with a message while they were sat on the balcony. Saffron was with them while everyone else was inside as they finished a game of increasingly intense uno, despite Six winning and Saffron following as second place.

toby: are u free on the 14^th?

they squinted at the screen before turning their phone off, only for Saffron to stop her rant about the evils of working in retail and snatch it from their hand to look at the message.

“why’s he asking if you have plans for valentines?” she sounded vaguely repulsed. then again, that seemed to be her default tone, especially when it came to men.

Six had forgotten that the 14^th was valentines day, in all honesty. the celebration had no appeal and no place in their life, aside from getting boxes of discounted chocolate the next day. a whole day dedicated to flouncy declarations of love and sickly sweet romantic decorations? it was a hard no from them. there was no point to it all. even before they had figured out the whole aromantic thing, as a child they had been critical of it. what was the point of having a day about relationships and proving you love your partner on that day? wasn’t the whole point of having a relationship to show that you love them all the time? they were firm on the opinion that was generally just a stupid celebration and existed solely to make people spend money. Saffron slid open the balcony door, carefully nudging Soup back inside, and beckoned the rest of their friends to come out.

“Six just got pre-asked on a date,” she crowed. trust Saffron to take the piss.

“pre-asked?” Kat said as she claimed a chair. the skirt Six finally finished for her swept out with the movement. “how do you pre-ask someone on a date?”

Saffron showed her the notification, which led to their phone being passed around. sometimes Six thought it was less their phone and more communal property, but maybe that was their fault for letting everyone know the password. they had actually been making progress with Toby as a friend. he was close to tolerable most of the time, now that he wasn’t pushing the whole soulmate bullshit every time. sometimes he was even pleasant to be around, despite the very clear differences in their personalities, but clearly Six would need to be even blunter about their stance.

“that is being pre-asked on a date, why else would he ask if you’re free on the 14^th?”

Six slumped down in their chair and sighed. “i told him i don’t date or do romance.”

“then just say you’re not free, ducky.” Kat reached over to hold their hand, stacks of golden rings cold on their skin.

“you’re not free anyway. we’re going to build-a-bear.”

Six looked at Leo with furrowed brows. “we’re going to build-a-bear?”

“did i not tell you? we’re all going.”

King snatched the lighter from their lap. “we’re getting matching ones.”

Six took their phone back from Saffron, who’d taken their distraction as a chance to change the playlist to a kpop one, and replied.

SIX: nope, sorry. i have plans with friends.

she laughed as she read it over their shoulder. “you’re dry with him, wow.”

toby: on valentines day?

SIX: yes. i’m working after.

toby: can’t you cancel??

SIX: that would be rude, so no.

“like you care about being rude!” King laughed.

“just because i don’t care doesn’t mean i’m wrong. i wanna go to build-a-bear. they have axolotls, y’know.”

“oh, you’re right, ducky! we can get matching axolotls!” Kat squealed.

toby: but it’s valentines day??

toby: i wanna take you out

SIX: and? i told you i don’t do dates or romance.

“if there’s a blue one i want it.”

“Saffron you can’t dibs an axolotl before we’re even there.”

“yes i can i just did. dibs on blue.”

Leo threw his hands up in defeat.

“there’s a pink one you can get, Leo,” Six commented absently as they watched the typing dots blink in and out.

toby: but i do

toby: it’s not fair to ban dates completely just bc u haven’t been on one before

toby: you need to try

toby: or this won’t work out

toby: and then we’ll both be miserable, or at least i will

Six snorted derisively. “apparently i need to try or ‘this’ won’t work out. what does he think this is?”

“can we kill him? doll, please let us kill him?” King had read the messages over their shoulder without them noticing.

“oh what’s the cunt said now?” Sophie leant over to read and snorted. “yeah let’s kill him. it’s like he’s deliberately ignoring every fucking thing you’ve said about yourself.”

“i support murder in this scenario,” Kat said airily with a cloud of raspberry vapour. “you were clear that romance and dates aren’t something you’re comfortable with and now he’s trying to guilt you into it while still pressing the dating aspect. murder is acceptable.” how she managed to lay things out so clearly in such a blasé way, Six didn’t know, but they envied it.

SIX: i didn’t say i haven’t been on dates before. i have, it didn’t work out. they don’t interest me, and romance isn’t something i can do. it’s not for me. i’m aromantic, and there is no ‘this’. we agreed on being friends, which doesn’t include dating. i have plans already and i’m working in the evening. i’m not going on a date with you just because it’s valentines day. me still talking to you and offering to be friends despite my feelings about soulmates IS me trying. my identity and my refusal to do something i’m not comfortable with isn’t going to change even if it upsets you.

they stole their lighter back from King to light another fag and watched the typing dots appear again. it had gotten easier, over the years, to set boundaries and defend both their actions and their identity. the argument itself was never easy, only exhausting, but the words came easier the more they had to do it. they may as well have a script in their notes to copy-paste each time with how often the issue had come up in their life. the dots blinked in and out before disappearing entirely and they shut their phone off to play some bubblegum-y song about what is love as Saffron tried to dance in the limited space – three chairs and five people on a balcony made for two wasn’t the best dancefloor. they had tried dating, as a teenager, before everyone’s names appeared, and again in their first year of university. it had felt like nothing. there was just no appeal in it. they hadn’t felt anything for the boys who had asked them out or had those butterflies everyone had talked about when their boyfriend at the time had done everything right. it was just a vague sense of gratitude that he had been nice. they had felt a little bad when they broke it off with him, considering how much he seemed to like them, but he had taken it well, even after they threw up in his bed instead of having sex. Six had quite liked Stevie, with his 70s music and his bellbottom jeans and his dances under neon lights, but they could only love him as a friend. they had lost contact with him after dropping out, but they still shared a playlist that was added to regularly. if they met again, they wouldn’t mind him sticking around at all. if they lived a different life, maybe they could have loved him as a boyfriend. they compared that feeling of nothingness to their feelings now, with their partners. there was so much now, so many emotions they couldn’t quite figure out but they knew it added up to love. there was even that weird fluttery feeling sometimes that they weren’t sure about. maybe they should do some more research on what was on the aromantic spectrum.

build-a-bear was a little too bright but blessedly empty of screaming children. they took the offered heart-shaped sunglasses from King’s hand – they hadn’t even known it picked them up before they left - and let the black lenses tint things to a manageable level. it was a quiet day for Six. it was a good day, they just weren’t able to talk. it happened sometimes. they watched Saffron race Leo to the blue axolotl skin and shove him out of the way so she could grab it first, defending her actions with repeated calls of dibs, until he gave up and found a lone pink one with red frills. Kat grabbed their hand, loose enough that they could break free if they wanted to, and pulled them over to an admittedly very cute one tagged as sweet spring. it suited her. King picked out a bright green skin that could apparently glow in the dark, which left Six to choose between the lavender or the plain pink. despite the promise of matching axolotls, their gaze continued drifted back to a white bunny with red heart accents. it was a seasonal one, just for valentines day, but that didn’t matter. it was sweet and fluffy and the hearts were, in all honesty, adorable. Kat was quiet by their side, not rushing them even as the rest of their friends bantered loudly. her hand was warm in theirs, and her dress brushed against theirs. hers was a pale pink (peach, she had giggled) and layered over thick white tights, while theirs was black and layered the same. both had frills and ruffles on the skirt and sleeves, both had a cinched sweetheart neckline, both reached their mid-thighs. Six had made them specifically to match, at Kat’s beg of it’ll be so cute, ducky. Six had paired theirs with shiny black mary janes that had a sizeable platform, while Kat wore shiny white ones without the platform. she had been right, it was cute.

“which one do you want, ducky?”

they let the bunny catch their eye once more before picking up the lavender axolotl with a smile. it was prettier than the all-pink one. they rejoined their friends, who had progressed to smacking each other with the floppy axolotls, and moved to picking out the scents and hearts, ready to be stuffed. Six picked strawberry, Kat immediately went for lavender, Leo had bubblegum, Saffron had taken the last pineapple, and King had birthday cake. all of them chose a patchwork heart, and went through the process that felt like being hazed before their axolotls were stuffed. Six saw Kat whisper to their friends as they searched for a bucket hat for their axolotl, who would remain naked, while the others picked out sleepers. they ignored it and hummed quietly to rhiannon as it played through their headphones from the old shared playlist while they searched. Leo appeared next to them and held out the hat.

“i found the last one.”

they slipped their hand into his cold one and they went to the naming station. Kat called hers Rosebud, which was by far the most normal name, Saffron had called her axolotl Sir Scrunch, King had named its Loserboy, Six named theirs Aristotle, and Leo typed in Lizard before he added as many Ds to the end as possible. Kat was already holding one of the closed blue boxes as they paid and chose matching pink carriers to strap over their shoulders like their axolotls were babies. she refused to elaborate on what exactly was inside, but they could see their friends sharing looks like they knew something Six didn’t. if it was any situation other than build-a-bear they would have been worried about what exactly they were missing out on, but today was good. as they left build-a-bear, Six caught sight of a building down the road and bounced on their toes.

“hmv.” they said.

“huh?”

“hmv.” they pointed at the sign.

Kat linked their arms together as King took their free hand and took the lead down the street as Saffron and Leo picked up the shades of pink debate again, this time over Leo’s axolotl. it was an unspoken rule that if there was a hmv in sight, they were going inside. they split up once inside, each friend finding the genre they were most interested in to look through, though King stayed hand in hand with Six as it located the section of what their friends affectionately called angsty teenager music. they were happy to go along with it and look through the CDs they weren’t all that interested in as King flipped through the stacks in search of a specific CD it said was called imaginaerium. they found it first, tucked behind several other CDs in the complete wrong place, and handed it over. they were rewarded with a kiss that left those weird flutters that Six was fairly sure were what everyone called the butterflies that they never understood. they ignored it and pushed the riot of green curls away from their face as King continued to look through the stacks. it picked up a few more that Six didn’t recognise before they went in search of their friends. they found Leo in the vinyl section where he was clutching a copy of igor like a lifeline, and Kat in the next aisle over with two CDs they didn’t recognise the covers of – she was happy to say they were wolf alice and lorde - and a cinnamoroll keychain. they found Saffron in the back corner crouched in front of the kpop collection, pawing through the albums in search of something.

“it’s all Hongjoong,” she despaired.

“shawty in blue?” Leo’s only frame of reference was the various memes.

“yes.”

Six had listened to her talk about kpop enough times to know what she was talking about. she had been on the hunt for the Mingi version of golden hour since it came out and couldn’t find it anywhere, which led to her current state of desperately flicking through them now. they knew Mingi was her bias, so they crouched next to her to search through the rest of the ateez albums as Kat explored the rest of the shelves for a twice album for her soulmate. sure enough almost every album there was a different member, primarily Hongjoong. they set one aside just in case there were no Mingi versions at all. they were broken out of their search by Saffron’s screech, loud enough that at least one employee shot her a concerned look.

“i found one! i’ve got Mingi!” she cheered and stood up with a very loud crack from her knees. she pulled Six up after her and they put Hongjoong back on the shelf.

Six wandered away to browse the shelves for themself and Saffron followed them closely like a guard dog, her hand hooked around the strap of their totoro bag. they weren’t looking for anything specific, but they had never left a hmv empty handed. they picked up a pompompurin keychain to match Kat’s cinnamoroll and an arctic monkeys CD that would live in her car since they didn’t have a player. Saffron picked a chainsaw man blind box for them at their silent request, since her intuition never failed, and they found a squishy blue dinosaur that they promptly named Sebastian and refused to put down. they returned to their friends to pay and eyed the mysterious build-a-bear box in Kat’s hand again. curiosity gnawed at them. they hadn’t even noticed her disappear to get something else. the group left hmv and continued to walk fairly aimlessly down the road towards Kat’s house. Six simply listened to them chatter about meaningless things over the sound of super trouper and bathed in the warmth of their love. Kat drew their attention with a gentle tug on their linked arms to a little vintage clothing shop, so in they went. their friends followed them around and idly flipped through the racks, pointing out the ugliest clothes they could find as recommendations, as Six carefully examined everything with Kat. they found their words again as she held up a pair of light blue dungarees.

“do you think these would suit me?”

“mm no, it’s too pale for your colouring, they’d wash you out.” they flicked through the rack until they found a pair in a slightly deeper shade. “these would work, would complement you and bring out your eyes without washing you out.”

she smiled brightly and took the hanger from them before they continued their search. Six found a surprisingly soft pair of faded bellbottoms that would be perfect to embroider with flowers and a gorgeous white ruffled skirt that reminded them of Stevie Nicks so they had to have it. Kat found a floaty, long sleeve top that tied in the front and fell in love with a sage green dress that would flare when she spun around. they returned hand in hand to their friends, who were pulling items from a rack of sequined clothes that looked horribly itchy and trying to convince each other to wear them.

“babe, don’t you think this would look perfect on King?” Saffron called out as she caught sight of them. she held up a garish, lime green monstrosity of a bedazzled leotard with a decidedly evil smile.

Kat laughed and nodded, “oh yeah, King would look great in lime green.”

King snatched the thing from her hands and shoved it back onto the rack with a grimace. “fuck no, and fuck you.”

Six led them all to a table full of sunglasses to prevent a fight that would end in disaster in the crowded space. they handed King a lime green pair with thick frames, unable to resist, and gave Leo a bright blue pair with a cat eye. Saffron was presented with a circular pair that had both red frames and lenses, and Kat was given a large pair with tortoiseshell frames. they watched their friends work together to land on a rimless pair with dark angular lenses that they proudly presented to Six. Saffron pulled her phone out to take a selfie of them all, faces squished into frame, before they paid and Six took another selfie of them all stood in front of the circular mirror in the doorway. they returned to Kat’s house and greeted her parents before piling into the living room to organise who had whose purchases in which bag before they split up for the evening. both pairs of soulmates had dates planned, understandably, while Six was set for a shift at the studio. thankfully they hadn’t been scheduled to do the couples class earlier in the day. once they returned from the bathroom Kat drove them to the studio in her shitty little car, which featured both of them singing loudly and badly to the new arctic monkeys CD, and before they got out she handed them the mystery build-a-bear box.

“open it when you get home, okay?” she smiled.

“it’s mine?”

her smile turned to laughter. “yes, ducky, just open it when you get back, okay? and let me know when you’re home safe, you know it makes me anxious when you walk back in the dark.”

they took the box and nodded. they leant over the console to hug her before climbing out into the cold evening air and watched her drive off with a warm smile. they dumped all of their things in the little break room, tied their hair up, and went to work. it was pure luck they weren’t doing a class, with their general lack of speech, and was instead doing general work around the studio. they mixed glazes, washed tools, organised the moulds, and tidied everything that needed tidying. everything was menial, mindless work, and no one tried to talk to them at all, so they were free to keep both headphones on and sweep to the beat of voulez-vous. their shift was over before they knew it, and soon enough they were braced against the cold as they hurried home to see the souplings and open their mystery box. in hindsight, they should have brought a jacket with them, but their outfit was too cute to hide so they had to live with the numbness. thunder rumbled ominously as Six turned the corner onto their street and they legged it down to their building as the sky split open to pour onto them. they crossed paths just inside the door with someone else from the building and half smiled at him as he looked first at Six’s wet self then at the doors.

“bit wet out,” they commented wryly.

“i’ll get my brolly,” he laughed and turned back to climb the stairs.

Six stood and dripped for a moment longer before they went to the lift to get to their flat. their dumplings meowed happily at them and wound around their ankles as they opened the door and made a beeline for a towel and dry clothes. once they were dry and the cats were satisfied with the state of their food bowls, they sat on the sofa with Stew and their mystery box. they had a wolf alice song playing, at Kat’s recommendation, called don’t delete the kisses. they could see why she liked the music so much and messaged her to say both that they liked the song and they were home safe, if slightly damp. they held the slightly damp box in their lap for a moment, just to stare at it, and ran their hand through Stew’s fur. they opened the box and was met with a layer of yellow tissue paper, then a note that simply said squeeze me in Leo’s neat handwriting on top of another layer of tissue paper. they knew build-a-bear didn’t do the tissue paper, it must have been added when they were in the bathroom at Kat’s. they removed the second layer and stopped in their tracks at the sight they were met with. their phone lit up with a message in the group chat, despite the fact they knew everyone was out.

kit-kat: have you opened your gift?

ducky: kat waht the fucj

they stared at the plushie in the box and lifted it out. it was the bunny, soft white fur with red heart accents on its feet and ears. they hadn’t even realised that Kat saw them look at it. that must have been what she whispered to the others, and what the looks were about. they lifted it to their face and sniffed the head – strawberry, like Aristotle who was now on their bed. the note said squeeze me, so they did. from inside the bunny, came a voice recording.

“love you, Six,” that was Saffron, unusually gentle, then quieter, “move, go,”

“i love you, baby,” Leo, as sweet as the first time he said it in their bathroom, then a giggle and another quiet “your turn!”

“love you ducky!” Kat, of course, bright and bubbly, “go, go!”

“i love you, darlin’.” they could imagine the soft, intense look in King’s eyes as its voice played through the recording. “done.”

Six’s eyes felt suspiciously wet as they squeezed it again and the recording played once more. they picked up their phone and saw the other messages in the group chat.

saffi: you like it then

leopleurodon: r u crying over it @ducky

kit-kat: leo don’t be mean

the ruler: no he’s right they’re defo crying rn

ducky: mayve i am

ducky: thsi is so sweet

ducky: thank yuo sm

ducky: u can go back toy our dates

Six watched their friends reply before going offline, presumably to continue their dates, and wiped the tears away with one of the bunny’s ears. they pulled the birth certificate from the box and laughed at the name. a bunny called duckling. they really did love their friends, and even though they knew their friends loved them too, this would make it impossible to forget. their playlist changed back to the shared one they’d been listening to all day as the wolf alice song ended and they felt Broth climb onto their shoulders from the back of the sofa as Soup curled up on top of Stew. the storm continued to pour outside but they felt warm all the same. they were so, so loved.

Chapter Text

march began with work, as most months did for Six, though nothing particularly interesting happened until midway through the month. their favourite work days were when they had to teach children. they’d hate to have their own, but there was something fun about talking to kids and teaching them about what Six loved. they were always so willing to learn, even if their listening skills needed some work sometimes, and they genuinely tried. the one teenage class Six currently instructed was even more fun. they had a lot in common with the kids, in terms of listening skills and their willingness to try. they had also figured out pretty early on that teenagers loved to get stickers and silly rewards for their efforts, much like kids do, so they always made sure that they had enough on hand. they had only one class today, just their teenagers, the little ones were tomorrow. they watched from the front of the room as the first few members began to file in. Lils, with her blonde wolf cut and blue yarn braids, was first as usual. she had told Six in the very first class that if they called her Lillian she would learn how suing someone worked just to sue them for emotional damage, so they said she probably wouldn’t get much out of it but promised not to. Clara was close behind her, always early, and both girls were immediately sucked into an excited conversation about their soulmates as Lucas entered. Six had honestly forgotten about the fact that half of their teens hadn’t had their sixteenth birthdays yet, but apparently Lils had got hers a few weeks ago. they watched and kept note of who came in as their teens continued to arrive as they helped Clara tie her currently purple microbraids back with a spare scrunchie. Steph and Max arrived at the same time and gleefully showed off their matching soulmate names, both a bright, joyful blue that had appeared a few days ago, as the others congratulated them and lamented their own lack. Lils was particularly loud about not knowing who hers was. Cass came in next and tapped on her tablet to offer Six a good morning that they returned with a compliment to the new anime stickers that decorated the case. they waited for the last few minutes to tick by before the official start time and watched as their last kid came through the door with a frown on his face. Elias frowning wasn’t exactly unusual, Six knew that was just how his face looked, but they knew something was off today. they resolved to talk to him after the class ended.

Six liked their teenagers quite a bit, and was relieved that they all liked each other too. some groups they had taught before had been a nightmare to navigate the drama of, but this one was alright. they began the class with talking, as expected, and explained how to use the different tools and what each one was for, and that no, Lucas, you should not do that, it doesn’t have a flared base. they were pretty sure Lucas had a personal goal of seeing how many sex-related questions he could ask before Six gave up on answering. they may be sex repulsed, but that only applied to them actually doing anything, so they were happy(ish) to convince him to not use various pottery tools as sex toys each class until he ran out of ideas. they explained the best way to create designs and the glazing process before they ran through the basics of creating as a reminder and set the group to pick their favourite clay and just go for it. that was the great thing about teaching teenagers, they were always very happy to just go for it when it came to the actual shaping, even if they did need the occasional reminder that messing up wasn’t the end of the world. they connected their phone to the speakers and put on the playlist they had worked on with their teens, the one that had some of everyone’s favourite songs on and would loop back to the start when class was over. they wandered between each set up to keep an eye on things and give help or advice when needed but largely let them do their own thing. teens liked their independence.  

“Six?” Clara called. “have you met your soulmate?”

they should have expected that line of questioning sooner or later, even as Lucas and Steph chided her that it was rude to ask. they could lie and say no, but they could also just be honest. their group was generally alright with everything, for the most part, even if Elias did go quiet when they established their gender or lack thereof. he hadn’t said anything, and Six hadn’t heard any complaints from his parents, so they ignored it. Cass’ choice of juno had come on first.

“yeah, why?”

Clara gasped and the six of them began to chatter at them all at once, while Elias focused on his slowly-forming vase in silence. they held up a hand to quiet them down then pointed at Max to ask.

“when did you meet?” he squished his clay back down into a lump to restart his misshapen dish.

“start of november. i walked straight into him ‘cause i wasn’t looking where i was going. we didn’t meet again until early december. go slower this time round and it’ll be easier to get the shape you want.” he nodded and they pointed at Cass next, who wiped her hands on her towel to use her tablet.

“what’s his name? how old is he?”

“Toby, i don’t know his last name. i don’t know how old he is but i’d assume he’s around my age. soulmates are usually in the same age bracket.” Cass smiled and continued working on what they were sure was a mug. they pointed to Steph next.

“are you dating him?”

“nope, we’re taking it real slow,” which wasn’t exactly a lie. “we’re just friends right now. he did try to ask me out on valentines day but i said no.”

“why?” Steph looked at her half formed jug. “also do you think i should start over? it’s all wobbly.”

“i already had plans with my friends and i was working that evening.” it was much easier to talk about soulmates when they were omitting a lot of the information about their own feelings. “if you’d be happier trying again, then do. there’s nothing wrong with a wonky creation, though. imperfections are normal.” they pointed at Lils as Steph continued with her jug as it was.

“have you met up with him more than twice?” she was working on what she said would be a dog bowl and looked very pleased with it.

“he asked to meet up in january and i agreed, but we haven’t talked since i turned down his date in february.”

“well that’s rude, why not?” she began to flatten the bowl a little more.

“use a gentler hand or it’ll squish.” she made an affirmative noise and lightened the pressure. “good job. i don’t know why we haven’t talked but i’d assume it’s because he didn’t like what i said.” they pointed at Lucas.

“do you still wear your cuff even though you’ve met him? also can i make a dildo?” he looked very proud of himself.

“let’s not make dildos. collectively, none of you make dildos. that’s a new rule.” that got a laugh from everyone. “and yes, i do. i prefer it that way.”

Lucas groaned. “cup it is. why do you like it that way? doesn’t everyone wanna know what colour it is?”

“nope, not everyone. i’m more comfortable this way just because of how my life has been. some people might not want something personal visible to everyone, but i have a lot of issues, so i hide it for my own sake.” Lucas looked thoughtful before he nodded. they pointed at a very desperate Clara. Elias’ choice of metallica had come on next and Six was reminded of their own teenage years as he bobbed his head in time. master of puppets wasn’t exactly dance music but they had made it work in their childhood bedroom.

“do you like Toby? like, as a person.” she looked down at her unformed clay. “i think i wanna make another bowl.”

“you can make as many bowls as you like. me and Toby are very different people, so there’s been a few issues, but he’s generally alright. i don’t mind talking to him and he can be pretty funny.”

“cool. but won’t you get bored of watching me make a million bowls?”

“not if that’s what you wanna do,” they shrugged. “you can do whatever you want forever. i’ve got that inked on me.” they saw Elias look up briefly at that.

she gasped again. Clara loved to gasp. “why?”

“because it’s true. if you wanna make a million bowls then do. if you wanna do something else then do that. it’s my job to tell you how to do it safely and how to do it properly, and to hone your skills, not say what you can and can’t do.” they pulled the hem of their shirt up and their waistband down a little to show where the words were inked in colourful letters over their hip between black whorls. “you have free will and it’s up to you what you do with that. if people try to stop you, fuck ‘em.” they shrugged again. “unless it’s like, for your own safety. but if you wanna make a million bowls then go for it.”

Clara smiled, and they watched Elias lose some of the tension in his shoulders. “so i can make a million billion bowls and you just won’t care? nice.” she looked down at her wheel and began to shape the clay into a bowl.

“what do you do with your free will?” Elias asked quietly, still focused on his vase. Six relaxed a little at his question as the song changed to Clara’s choice of wannabe and watched her shimmy, then moan in despair as it ruined the shape of her bowl. trying to dance while at the wheel never ended well, and they told her as such when she started over before answering Elias.

“i do a lot with it. i moved out of my parents house and dropped out of uni. i got three cats. i do stupid dances for fun, i do pottery, i make clothes, i get tattoos. i express myself and my identity. i’m free now so i do what makes me happy, which is really what it’s all about.”

“what what’s all about?” Steph chimed in.

“life.” they said simply.

the teens seemed content with that answer and continued to work on their creations as Six added to the chalkboard of rules.

rule one: follow all the rules

rule two: listen to Six

rule three: respect the people

rule four: respect the clay

rule five: no asking for song skips (unless it’s collective)

rule six: keep your area as clean as you can

rule seven: do not drink the glaze

rule eight: dance breaks are necessary

rule nine: no dildos are to be made

Six thought they were all pretty good rules. the other side of the board had the rules for the kids class that were mostly the same, though they had more. they also didn’t have to add the new rule eight to that side, thank god.

“i like the new hair, by the way,” Lils said. “very cool.”

“thanks, Lils.”

the class continued in relative peace and Six greatly enjoyed being told about the drama of teen lives - who knew that maths class could have so much tension from a seating plan – and there was a required dance break to canned heat (Lucas’ choice) and modern love (Lils’ addition) before they finished their creations ready to be fired for their glazing next week. Steph had been very insistent that they have a dance break each class and Six had no reason to disagree, it was good for them to move about and get some energy out. they waved off their teens as class ended, each one with a new sparkly sticker for good behaviour somewhere on their person, and leant against the wall as Elias lingered.

“can you close the door?” he asked. Six did so and sat down then gestured for him to join them on the floor. he slumped against the wall and slowly sank down, close enough for their arms to touch.

“what’s up?” they asked.

they waited as Elias sat silently. they knew better than anyone that patience was the best path with these situations. they changed the playlist to their old one from their own teenage years that they knew Elias would enjoy. they were proven right as his fingers drummed on his stretched out legs. they would never understand the appeal of skinny jeans, or any jeans really. they much preferred their own green skirt, long and flowy. it had been paired with a baggy black t-shirt, emblazoned with the rumours album cover, and the boots Saffron had painted. Elias sunk into his oversized hoodie.

“you don’t like soulmates, do you? you didn’t say it but i could tell.”

“you’re right,” they hummed. “i never have. i found out a couple years ago that i’m aroace, which just made it all harder, but i’m coping. my friends help a lot.”

“how did you deal with it, when you got the name?”

“badly,” they laughed. “i dealt with it so badly. i had a lot of pressure put on me about being a ‘good soulmate’ and my parents really didn’t like it when i came out, so it all kinda exploded in my head on my sixteenth. i have a lot of mental health issues, have done for about half my life at this point. it was the worst at that point, but i got better.”

Elias leant against their side. “i got mine today. i didn’t want to.”

“i know that feeling.”

“when did you know? that your gender isn’t gendering.”

Six chuckled at the phrasing. “when i was about thirteen, i think. i found out online that there’s more than just two genders and pronouns. spent years stressing about whether Six or my deadname would be on my soulmate’s wrist. turns out it’s Six, even though i never changed it legally.”

Elias relaxed a little more. “my gender isn’t gendering the way it’s supposed to. hasn’t been for a couple months.”

“there’s no supposed to, y’know. how is your gender gendering?”

“like a girl.”

Six wrapped an arm around Elias’ shoulders and felt the weight against their side get heavier.

“you thought about a new name?”

“yeah. Diana.” the response was fast. “she/her too.”

“nice name. is that what got you feeling wonky today?”

Diana nodded. “you said that Toby’s wrist says Six, though. even though legally it’s not Six. so my soulmate should say Diana?”

“should do, yeah. my friend Saffron has her soulmate’s name on her wrist too. apparently it changed before Kat changed her named legally. do your parents know?”

“not yet. i know they’ll be alright with it, but it’s scary.”

“it is scary, yeah.”

“if i tell them when they come get me, will you stay?” Diana sat up a little, but kept Six’s arm around her shoulders. “you’re so you, and it’ll help me feel better if you’re there but if you don’t-“

Six cut her off with a gentle squeeze. “of course i will.”

Diana smiled for the first time that day. “mine says Lillian. i heard Lils earlier, i know her wrist says Diana.”

“you think it’s you two?” Six smiled as she nodded. they rummaged in their bag and pulled out a kinder egg to hand over. “a reward for your bravery.”

Diana laughed but took it anyway and immediately ate it. the pod inside had a tiny car, the type that sped forward when you pulled it back. her parents arrived soon enough and Six stood up. they pulled her up with a reassuring smile.

“i’ll be right here with you, okay? you can do this.”

Diana nodded and held their hand tight as they went outside to meet her parents. they always seemed friendly enough, but Six knew that didn’t mean anything. they squeezed Diana’s hand and felt her squeeze back before she came out. they watched carefully as her parents absorbed the words, checked their faces for any trace of something that could put Diana at risk. they knew none of the teens were actually theirs, they were just a pottery teacher, but they were all Six’s kids. they’d sooner die than let one of them go into a situation that wouldn’t end well. thankfully, Diana was right when she said they would be fine with it, and she let go of Six’s hand to be wrapped in a hug by both parents. they felt a small spike of envy before they squashed it down with happiness that she was safe and loved. Diana hugged Six too, before she left, and they pressed another kinder egg into her hand with a smile. they watched the car leave and headed back inside to finish their shift with menial work.

Six left their teenage playlist on as they examined the aisles of the big lidl, pierce the veil loud in their headphones. they desperately needed to get some food in, even if the thought of relapse gnawed at their mind. healing isn’t linear echoed in their head as they searched for the shitty packets of mac n cheese and forced themselves to not look at the nutrition labels. they thought that maybe healing should at least try to be linear because it would be so much easier that way, though now they didn’t have to listen to anyone else talk about calories and healthy alternatives, and didn’t live in an ingredients household, it was easier to ignore their own thoughts for the most part. they threw a couple packets into their basket and moved on to find some bread. it was nice being able to decide exactly what they wanted to get. they added a pack of crumpets in too, just for fun. they looked at their basket – lemons, bread, shitty packet mac n cheese, crumpets, a few jars of seasoning. they needed juice, milk, cat treats, and butter. maybe a little treat for themselves too, for morale. they had to hold in a laugh as linkin park came on because god, they had been so miserable back then, and skipped to metallica. as they picked up a few packs of cat treats, Six felt a hand tug their skirt and looked down. there was a very small child stood next to them with wide blue eyes, far too small to be unsupervised, and they slid one headphone off.

“hello!”

Six crouched down with a smile. “hi. what’s your name?”

“Junie! who are you?” she smiled sweetly.

“very pretty name. i’m Six. are you here alone?” they watched Junie’s face fall and tug on a brown curl of hair. she shook her head.

“dunno where mummy is.” ah, she was lost. it was far from Six’s first time being accosted by a lost child. her lip began to tremble with the threat of tears.

“well, we can find her!” they said. “what does she look like?”

“um. me but big.” very helpful, Junie. Six smiled at her anyway and dabbed a few of her tears away with the edge of their shirt. “someone draw on you?”

“kinda, yeah. they’re called tattoos,” Six watched her mouth the word. “they’re like drawings, but they stay on me forever.” she gasped.

“forever?” she poked the back of their hand where the swirls of black began, then rubbed it, and looked at her unstained fingers in awe.

“yep! i liked them so much that i wanted them to stay forever. shall we go look for mummy?”

she nodded with a wobbly smile and Six stood up. despite being pretty short, Junie was still tiny. she held her arms up expectantly and Six adjusted their basket to pick her up without complaint, even as her little hand found its way into their hair. they were suddenly very grateful for their work experience in a nursery back in year 10 and the inexplicable fact that children liked them. they wandered the aisles with Junie in their arm in search of a presumably frantic woman and enlisted her help with their own shopping, since she seemed to enjoy it. they kept an eye out for mummy as Junie put a carton of smooth orange juice in their basket with clumsy hands. if this was the small lidl, they’d be having a much easier time with it, but this place was a maze. they kept Junie happy with the promise of a sticker and simple questions, and they answered hers in return.

“how old are you, junebug?”

“three! why green hair?”

“because i think it’s pretty. do you have a favourite colour?”

“red like elmo!” ah, she was a muppets kid. classic. “you?”

“elmo’s very cool, i like red too. right now my favourite is green though.”

“like kermit!”

“yeah, like kermit! do you think i should get biscuits?”

“yes!” Junie was a very sweet kid.

they looked at the shelves of biscuits very seriously and Junie laughed. “which ones are best, you think?” Junie instantly reached for a pack of wagon wheels and they humoured her. wagon wheels were pretty good. from behind them, at the end of the aisle, they heard a woman’s voice.

“Juniper!”

Junie twisted in their arms and began to bounce in Six’s arms impatiently. Six turned to look with her and saw a very frantic woman pushing a trolley down the aisle. “it’s mummy!” her hand fisted in Six’s hair and they hid a wince as mummy stopped next to them. they handed Junie, Juniper, over easily and watched her smooth a hand over the soft brown ringlets repeatedly as she scolded her daughter for running off. she looked much younger than Six had expected, younger than Six themself even, and they idly noticed that the name on her wrist was stark black.

“thank you,” she had turned to Six with wide blue eyes that matched Junie’s. she looked frazzled even as she began to relax with Junie in her arms. “she was gone when i turned around in the queue and then i couldn’t find her, and i told her if she ever can’t find me to find someone colourful, someone like you, to help find me again. this place is just so big and she was gone and i just-”

they smiled easily as they cut her off. “don’t worry about it. not my first time helping a runaway kid.”

she laughed breathlessly as she tucked Junie into the seat of the trolley. “thank you so much, really.” Junie continued to babble as she kicked her little legs. “did she give you any trouble? i hope not, i’ve been trying to raise her well but it’s hard.”

“nah, junebug’s real sweet. very helpful too, got me my orange juice and told me all about sesame street. i promised her a sticker when we found you if she behaved.” they fished the sheet of sparkly cat stickers from their bag and let Junie pick one to stick on her shirt.

“yeah, she loves elmo. sorry, i’m Rosie, it’s like i’ve still got baby brain three years down the line. effects of doing this alone, i guess.” she said the last sentence a little quieter, almost to herself.

“i’m Six. single mum?” Six was careful to keep the question light, free of judgement, and watched as some of the guarded look faded from Rosie’s face.

“yeah, yeah single mum. no one else on the scene. we just moved too.” she began to wheel her trolley with the noisy Junie down the aisle, so Six followed. “i managed to get a job at the library next to the nursery i’ve got Junebug down for to start next week, little learners, but i don’t really know anyone here, yknow? at least the flat’s cheap, even if it is a little far out.”

Six nodded. the nursery was near the library they used to work at, they recognised the name. presumably it was the same library. “how far, d’you know?” they wiggled their fingers near Junie’s neck and watched her shrink away with a shriek of laughter.

Rosie watched their interaction with Junie closely, expectedly, but didn’t make any move to stop them. “it’s a couple roads away from here actually. i probably shouldn’t be telling you this ‘cause we just met but you seem alright. big old building with balconies, can’t remember the road name, some really generic one, but we walked here.”

“oh, church street?” Six knew that building because it was their building.

“yeah! you know it?” it was easy to see where Junie got her energy from, even with the dark circles painted under Rosie’s eyes.

“that’s where i live. you moved in like, last week, right?”

“yeah! oh my god, that makes this so much easier! don’t suppose you’re on the third floor too?”

“nope, fifth. it’s easy to tell which one’s mine, its got three chairs on the balcony and usually a lot of fu-“ they stopped themself with a glance down at Junie. “a lot of noise. my friends are over a lot.” Rosie smiled at their correction.

“oh i’ve seen that one!”

they had made their way to the tills and continued to talk as they unloaded their shopping onto the belt. Six mostly kept Junie occupied with questions about the muppets while Rosie packed her bags after Six had done theirs. it was easy to talk to Rosie, easy in a way they only knew in their existing friendships. it was a bit of an odd way to make a friend, but they liked odd. Rosie was sweet, a disposition she had clearly passed onto her baby, and didn’t mind the flatness of Six’s voice as she talked about how hard it was to unpack a whole flat with a toddler. they ignored the repetitive buzz of their phone in their bag as they left the lidl car park to walk back together – Six took the roadside of the pavement and one of Rosie’s two reusable bags to make her task of wrangling Junie easier. they talked a little about their job to explain the dried clay on their palms, and their cats, much to Junie’s delight. it had been a long time since they had clicked this fast with someone. as they reached the door of their building, Six handed the bag back and watched Junie run to the lift.

“if you want, i can give you my number. could maybe come over with my friends to help you unpack too? they’re…chaotic but they’re good people, they’d like you.” Six watched as Rosie’s expression shifted to shock.

“seriously? like, that would make it a lot easier, but are you sure?” she followed Junie to the lift, where she was aggressively pushing the down button. “like, we just met.”

“yeah. i feel like we could be pretty good friends, and i like helping when i can.” they stepped inside and helped Junie press the button for the third floor, then the fifth. “if it’s not chill then don’t worry about it, s’just an offer. you just seem overworked, no offence.”

Rosie laughed. “you’re right, i am. perks of being a single mum at nineteen.” fucking hell, she was nineteen. “i’ll take the offer for your number, and we’ll see about your friends later on.” the lift opened on the third floor and Junie took off down the hall towards their flat. “thank you, again.”

“don’t worry about it, i’ll see you around.”

the doors closed behind her and Six was left alone with a pierce the veil song and their thoughts as the lift continued up. they had just altered the entire status of their life with a single post-work trip to lidl and a runaway toddler. usually they wouldn’t like the change, let alone one as big as this, but this time it didn’t rattle them. they had a feeling that it would be alright, and if everything worked out then they would end up making someone’s life a lot easier. free will was a wonderful thing. they unlocked the door to their flat and was swarmed by their souplings shortly after closing it. their phone was still buzzing with messages as they kicked their boots off and dumped their years old backpack on the kitchen counter to put everything away. Six had absolutely no idea what was so important that they had 23 messages but opened the app anyway as they sorted through their shopping. they scrolled through the group chat that had been spammed with photos of their matching axolotls.

ducky: i just made a friend

ducky: in lidl of all places

saffi: how the fuck

ducky: single mum with a runaway kid

ducky: lives two floors down, just mfoved in

kit-kat: a single mum??

leopleuradon: single mum??

leopleuradon: kings reading over my shodler btw

Soup caterwauled around their ankles as they put away the cat treats and Broth made a valiant attempt at jumping for the counter, only to be caught and returned to the floor against her will. Stew was truly their only dignified child.

ducky: yah

ducky: nineteen, three year old kid

ducky: v sweet kdi she picked wagon wheesl for me

ducky: big elmo fan

ducky: also may have potentioally wnlisted all of us to help her unpack her flat at soem point

saffi: what’s she like

Six tossed a handful of cat treats on the floor and watched the three scatter after them. Stew was much less dignified when treats were involved.

ducky: v nice but v alone

ducky: kinda scattered but sweet

ducky: easy to talk to evren for me

leopleuradon: king says that’s good enough for it

leopleuradon: we’ll help if she wants

kit-kat: are you gonna see her again?

ducky: gave her my numebr

ducky: so probably yah

they watched a few more messages roll in, all supportive of their bizarre new friendship before they exited the chat to look at the remaining notifications, all from Toby. they hadn’t expected that. they opened the chat anyway to read through whatever he had to say.

toby: hey

toby: sorry i disappeared

toby: should probably apologise for kinda ghosting you after you turned me down

toby: i had to research what aromantic is

toby: and then come to terms with some stuff

toby: i thought you were just a prude tbh but now i know that it’s ur actual identity i’ll back off on the dating thing

toby: it kinda confuses me still but i’ll respect it

toby: i do still wanna know you as a person though

toby: if you want

Six had expected an apology even less than they had expected any messages at all. it was a bit of a shit apology, barely one at all really, but at least he said he wouldn’t press the dating issue anymore. the implication that he would’ve kept pushing if they hadn’t come out rubbed them the wrong way, but they brushed it off. they ignored the odd weight in their chest, cold like the lakes in winter, as they typed out a response. Stew curled around their ankles in a familiar comfort.

SIX: i assumed you were thinking about what i said, either that or you decided it wasn’t worth the effort to get nothing out of it. good to know you’re fine with my identity though. if you still want to be friends then that’s fine with me, as long as you stand by the ‘not pushing it anymore’ part.

there was a fast reply.

toby: i promise i won’t push it

toby: and i wouldn’t say nothing :)

what he meant by that, Six didn’t know, so they didn’t reply. another message came in.

toby: do you wanna meet up maybe??

toby: not a date

toby: just hanging out

SIX: sure. when?

with that, they had what was now definitely not a date set to happen next week. if only the pressure in their chest would leave.

the day of the hangout was unseasonably warm for late march, as the last few days had been. Six had taken the chance to pull out some of their clothes that had been stuck in their wardrobe since last summer. their partners were decidedly unhelpful in the process, watching from the bed and giving increasingly nonsensical compliments on every piece they held up. they had come over the night before, on Six’s request, and had blacked out every nutrition label in the kitchen with sharpie. they eventually made their choice of outfit without help. a wine red top with a thin halter neck and open back that King had helped them tie around their waist in a neat bow with far more touching than necessary, not that they complained. a darling black, ruffled skirt they had made with several layers of cotton and lace, much shorter than they usually wore but the heat demanded it. Leo had whistled from their bed, sprawled out amongst the cats, at their exposed thighs, so they threw a stray cushion at him. they knew it was harmless, aesthetic attraction he called it, but it flustered them so he received a cushion to the face. their shoes remained the same, heavy black platforms with star buckles, with ruffled red socks barely visible over the tops. their makeup was applied, their jewellery was chosen for them, and their cuff was fastened over their wrist with gentle hands. they knew their neck bore their partners’ hard work, as King called it, from last night and Six was fairly sure they had done it on purpose after they had learnt what exactly Six was doing that day. they didn’t fully understand the reasoning behind it, but they liked it all the same, and the familiar feeling of love buzzed merrily under their skin as they left their partners with their cats. they met Rosie and Junie on the way out, off to nursery as Junie had cheerfully informed them, and shooed the girls away with a light-hearted huff when Rosie looked pointedly at their neck with a laugh. Six had learnt over the course of several text conversations and one visit to the third floor (on Junie’s apparently nonstop request one evening) that Rosie was fun, and entirely supportive of Six’s relationship after they had mentioned their partners. she could dance too, properly dance, and had laughed herself silly at Six’s ridiculous attempts that were usually limited to 3am hyperactivity before trying to teach them some actual moves. she was woefully unsuccessful, but they agreed to try again at some point soon.

they waited at the entrance of the park, five minutes early with a half-gone fag in hand, under the midday sun. they greatly appreciated the sunglasses Leo had handed them before they left, the rimless pair from the vintage shop, as they scanned the area. they had never been here before and had to search for directions before they left. they spent ten minutes staring at a tree with white flowers before Toby arrived. he didn’t have a hoodie this time, just a white t-shirt with a logo Six didn’t recognise, and denim shorts. his trainers were still dirty, but his hair looked brushed. they could see their name on his wrist, blank white against tanned skin. Six slid one headphone off, content to let if you can’t hang keep playing. they quite enjoyed their teenage playlist, Diana’s taste in music had reawakened their love for it. they watched with a carefully blank expression as Toby jogged up to them with an unmarked carrier bag.

“hi!” he beamed, dimpled and genuine. “you been waiting long?”

“nope. what’s in the bag?” Six firmly ignored the feeling of his eyes on their legs. the sensation clung like the dried sap from their childhood willow tree, stuck on their skin and refusing to wash off.

“just some drinks,” he rummaged and pulled out a can of pacific punch. “they didn’t have the blue one.”

they took the can happily. “thanks. i don’t mind which flavour.” it was blessedly cold in their hand.

they followed Toby into the park and listened to his tangent about how his dog (Bread, a corgi) didn’t want him to leave, then about how long the line was in the corner shop, and then about how his mum was finally back in the country. how these topics connected was a mystery to Six but they were used to random conversation shifts. the park was pretty nice this time of year, but Six thought that early autumn would always be the best season. they could almost ignore the weight in their ribcage as they wandered down the bush-lined path.

“she goes abroad a lot, since she’s a travel agent, so when she gets back it’s always some huge thing. usually her and my dad, he’s an accountant, go on a fancy date when she gets back then we spend the rest of the night watching shit films. what about your parents though?”

“my parents?” Six blinked at him.

“yeah, what are they like?”

“last i knew they were both lecturers, but i haven’t talked to them in like, two years so who knows about anything else.”

Toby frowned at that. “why haven’t you talked to them?”

Six sighed quietly. clearly this would be another topic they clashed on. “i moved out to live here before my second year of uni finished then dropped out. i had a really fucked relationship with them for years before that so i didn’t tell them and went no contact. way better this way, trust.” they sipped their monster.

Toby scoffed lightly. “how was it fucked, they’re your parents.”

“they wanted me to be a certain way, had a lot of ideas about what i should be for them and for my soulmate before i even got one, and i wasn’t what they wanted.”

“surely they love you, though.” Toby turned down a side path, through a tree tunnel. he had lost some of the attitude.

it was Six’s turn to scoff. “if that’s true they had a funny way of showing it. i’m happier without them.”

“but what if they’re not happy without you?” Toby asked. “they could miss you and you wouldn’t even know.”

“i’m pretty sure they’re fine without me.” a faint breeze blew their hair into their face. the vibrant green was beginning to fade.

“but you don’t know that.”

“i do.”

“but how?” there was always a but with him, it was never just acceptance.

“because i lived with them, and i know how they felt about me because they didn’t try to hide it.”

“oh. were they like, abusive?” Toby was quieter this time, all of his indignation at Six’s answers gone, but the tension remained.

“kinda,” they shrugged. “they didn’t really hit me or anything, just said a lot of words that they knew would hurt. they’re also transphobic, found that out the hard way.”

“oh, dude, that sucks.”

Six couldn’t help but laugh at that. “yeah it did, that’s why i left.”

Toby laughed a little too. “i’m kinda glad you left then, if it sucked that much for you.” the tension vanished.

they continued to wander through the park under the heat of the sun and stayed on much lighter, safer topics for the most part. Six talked about their cats and showed photos when Toby showed his lockscreen of his admittedly cute corgi. they discovered that Toby didn’t go to uni at all because he didn’t see the point, and that he didn’t need to work because he still lived at home with his definitely rich parents. Six didn’t tell him where they worked, but did say that they liked pottery, which earned them an impressed look. they couldn’t ignore the nagging feeling in the back of their mind that told them to not share too much. their intuition was yet to lead them wrong, and they knew there was something beneath the surface that Toby wasn’t hiding as well as he likely thought he was, so they listened to it. they presented a careful balance of enough information to satisfy his questions without giving away any details about their actual life.

“can i know about the whole marking thing now?” Toby’s question, tone almost critical, left them feeling like they had fallen into the lake again, broken through the too-thin ice and plunged into the bitter, still water that they couldn’t see through.

“marking thing?” they kept their voice level as the phantom chill swept through them before they shook the memory away.

“yeah.” he gestured at their neck, the same way he had back in january, where the marks sat opposite the spread of baby pink freesias. “you said it’s not my business but i’m curious.”

“oh, that. my partners do it and i trust them, i’ve known them for years, so i let them.” Six was content to give him the answer this time, vague as it was, despite the tone.

Toby looked at them with the same vaguely familiar look that itched at a blurry memory, the same way he looked at their cuff and Leo’s ring on their finger. “your partners? i thought you don’t do romance.”

“i don’t. i’m not dating them, they’re soulmates with each other though. we were friends first and at one point they just kinda absorbed me into some parts of their relationship without the romance aspect. there’s a lot of trust involved.” Six tried to explain the nature of a queerplatonic relationship in the simplest way possible without bringing the exact details of the deeply personal discussion that had led to their relationship into it.

“so you’re like, more than friends with two people who are dating each other? and you do that kind of thing,” he gestured loosely at them again. “with them?”

“sometimes, yeah.” their monster was half empty. disappointing, but they could always get another on the way back.

“okay.” Toby said in a tone that implied he was entirely not okay with what Six had told him. “this is complicated, but okay.”

“you don’t have to understand it, really. as long as you accept it, or make an effort to accept it, you don’t have to understand exactly how it works.”

Toby nodded slowly. “i can do that.” his smile was different this time.

the feeling of being submerged under the ice subsided as another gust of wind fluttered around them. “do you have a favourite drink?” they asked, entirely unsubtle about changing the subject.

“orange juice,” he said. “you?”

they held up the monster can with a half smile. “this, but also lemon juice.”

“lemon juice? that can’t taste good.” Toby sounded affronted, though his tone was light again.

“it does! like, obviously it’s really sour but it’s good, that’s why it’s good!”

“next you’re gonna tell me you like those sour ribbon sweets.” he laughed at Six’s silence. “you do, don’t you?”

“they’re nice!” they defended.

“they’re physically painful to eat!” Toby retorted. “how can you like them?”

“that’s why they’re so good, you have to earn the right to eat them all.” Six laughed at his baffled expression before he joined them.

their walk around the surprisingly big park continued as the sun travelled across the sky and Toby pointed out a few plants he knew the name of. Six brushed a trail of ivy out of their face and pointed out the patch of tulips and hyacinths. they learnt that Toby loved dogs and old romantic poetry, while Six preferred cats and newer poetry, and he loathed shakespeare with a passion, a sentiment that Six shared wholeheartedly.

“i liked the adaptation of romeo and juliet though, the nineties one,” they said. “we got to watch it in year ten ‘cause the teacher was barely ever there.”

“lucky, we had to do a winters tale.”

Toby then went into a rant about how much the play truly sucked and Six was reminded of why they liked being around him. he was entertaining, despite the unignorable differences they had, and his heated explanations of how utterly fucking stupid the characters and particularly the ending were left Six breathless with laughter. my chemical romance was a pleasant background noise to the conversation, another band that Six remembered dancing incredibly badly to in their old bedroom during their happier days. as they returned to the entrance of the park under a slow moving blanket of rain clouds in the late afternoon, Six found themselves almost disappointed that it was over. the feeling left them off-kilter. they had expected to leave the park and go home without any real emotion attached to it, but they had genuinely enjoyed the hours in the park with him. Six knew that they liked him to some extent after the casual texts and odd meeting, despite the glaring differences and the looks he gave that they couldn’t quite place, but they had never considered that they would truly consider Toby to be someone they enjoyed being around. they decided it was alright, and despite the disappointment that their hangout had ended they really did want to go home. they missed their dumplings and their partners, who Six was sure hadn’t gone to their own homes, and they were starting to feel the familiar pang of hunger, though they ignored it.

“i had fun today, like really.” Toby turned to face them in the gateway with a genuine smile. “if you’re down, we could hang out again some time?”

Six gave a lopsided smile back. it came to their face easily. “i’d like that. i’m busy a lot but i’ll try to find the time.” they laughed as Toby did a celebratory fist pump.

“i kinda thought i’d fucked it all up, but that’s really good if you’re still willing to hang out. we still friends?”

Six nodded. “don’t see why not.”

they watched Toby leave before they made their own way home under the storm-dark sky as the heat finally broke. the closer they got to their flat and the promised warmth within, the lighter they felt. they hadn’t even realised how tense they had been all day until they were climbing the many stairs up to their flat with a bubble of joy in their chest instead of a lead weight. the rain had begun to fall with a loud rumble of thunder as they opened the door of their flat to the sound of King’s playlist and cats around their ankles and they chirped happily in response to Soup’s meows. they could hear their partners in the kitchen, quiet voices and the sound of washing dishes, and watched their cats wind each other up as they took off their boots. there was the familiar smell of mac n cheese in the air, the proper type rather than their shitty packets, one of few safe foods they always had. Leo skidded down the hallway in his socks and joggers, shirtless as he was when they left, and pressed a plastic cup of white wine into their hand with a smile.

“hi, lovely.” he smiled sweetly as they pressed a kiss to his cheek. “you have fun?”

he led them to the kitchen where King stood in just its shorts over the sink with dishes stacked up on the drying rack and planted them firmly on the counter next to a half empty wine bottle and a cup of wine with a straw in it. their bare thigh stuck to the surface and they watched a bolt of pale lilac lightning flicker through the clouds as a song they recognised from the imaginaerium album came on. it sounded very dramatic.

“i did, actually. he seems pretty chill with being friends, didn’t like the mention of you two but he was sympathetic about my old life. balances out, kinda.” they saw King open its mouth. “you came up because some people can’t stay away from my neck and i don’t like hiding the evidence.” its mouth closed again.

“but he seems okay still?” Leo asked. he was swaying in time with the song.

“mostly, yeah.”

King hummed along to the lyrics that neither of them knew as it finished doing their dishes. they sipped their wine and had joined Leo’s increasingly energetic swaying by the second chorus. the vocals shifted into a music break of violins and high tension and Leo pulled them from the counter into a messy adaptation of a ballroom dance he had learnt years ago, spinning them towards the sofa and back into his arms. they went willingly and tried to follow his footsteps, uncoordinated as they both were, and laughed when he dipped them low during a lull in the music. he span them again and let go, only for them to be caught by damp hands and pulled into King’s chest. it looked down at them with that familiar, loving intensity as it swept them up in the dance again and twirled them with a low laugh. they wound up sandwiched between their partners in an approximation of a waltz, or maybe a tango, as the song ended and shifted into evanescence. their partners clung to them like the sticky cleavers they had spent a few young years chasing their friends with, even as they returned to the kitchen counter under the judgemental eyes of the cats to drink their wine. the impromptu dance had left them breathless, air caught in their throat as King’s hand lingered on their exposed back and Leo’s cold fingers trailed over their legs while they sipped from the plastic cup like nothing was bothering them. Six knew they were entirely unconvincing, if the smirk on King’s face as it traced the wings on their back was anything to go by, but they maintained their composure until Leo began to whisper soft compliments and the now familiarly undoing words of i love you against their skin. there was something to be said, Six thought, about this. about the whirling of a makeshift dancefloor. about the matching cups of white wine. about the warmth of cold fingers and calloused hands.

but Six couldn’t find the words to speak aloud. so they sipped their wine as their partners spoke over their head and let the mac n cheese burn.

Chapter Text

april passed in a haze of heat and rain and work. Six barely remembered it, but they knew they enjoyed watching their kids develop in their relationships and their skills and themselves. may passed in a daze of heat and pain and work. Six barely remembered that either, only vague memories of Kat’s birthday near the start, marked by all of them baking in her parents’ kitchen, and Leo’s near the end, in a bowling alley with disastrous, ridiculous bowling positions that they knew were somewhere online. june was full of heat and work and pain and everything and nothing. Six knew they were spiralling. they knew they were sinking into the trap of whatever was wrong with them. they knew their mind was dragging them down into a sea of numbers on nutrition labels and the thought of the bottle of vodka in the top cupboard and the idea of the razor buried in the back of the drawer in the bathroom. they knew it was happening. yet they couldn’t quite stop it. didn’t quite care to stop it. they felt numb, for the most part. they knew that sinking would let them feel. numb under the prickling summer heat. they also knew that there were other, better – healthier – ways to feel something but they didn’t quite care to do them. numb under the weight of their thoughts. thoughts of self-deprecation, thoughts of never being enough, thoughts of being broken, thoughts of being a bad soulmate. thoughts that echoed in their head in their mother’s voice from distant years ago that never quite faded and were making themselves known under the june heat. it sucked, in short, but it was nothing Six hadn’t dealt with before. it would’ve been easier, probably, if their friends were around but all of their lives had picked up in rapid succession over the past few months, all of them busy with each other and their own issues and their own lives. so Six settled for the blacked out labels on empty food packets and the brief conversations in the group chat and the few and far between texts individually, and tried to ignore the thoughts that said all their friends, their partners, were talking without them, about them, to finally get a break from them. so Six talked more with Toby. they texted more, hung out more under the ever-warmer sun, didn’t open up more but talked more. maybe that was part of why their mother’s voice was sharp and unignorable in their thoughts. maybe it wasn’t. maybe Six was just broken like that.

they laid in bed, hot under the midday sun, and stared at the blue lettering on their wrist, stark and ever out of place amongst their tattoos, and contemplated it. the old scars peeked between black ink swirls and seemed more noticeable than usual.

SIX: do you wanna meet up

the reply was fast.

toby :): sure!!

toby :): do u wanna meet at the park again

toby :): i can be there in like 30

SIX: sounds good

SIX: :)

that was that then. today may be good. maybe.

Six pulled the sleeve of their shirt back down. it was an off-shoulder style, a ruffled layer around their chest and arms that fell over their chest, and a tight body that clung to them in the high heat. it was cute, dark green, even if the sleeves did move up onto their shoulders whenever they moved their arms. it matched the green of their shorts, layered with fabric until they looked more like a skirt. it would almost match their hair too, if the green hadn’t faded into a pale, almost sickly, yellow that they hadn’t bothered to redo. their playlist wasn’t particularly cheerful, balancing on the line between misery and self destruction. they hummed along, begged achilles to jump or come down (jump), as the name on their arm turned a bright, vibrant blue. Toby appeared in their field of vision with a bright smile and a now-familiar white carrier bag. they smiled back, dimmer but still at least half genuine, and let him pull them into a hug. they weren’t sure when exactly the hugging became a regular thing, or when they began to let him touch them at all, or why they let him when the hug felt too tight and too unfamiliar to be good, or why they stayed silent when his hand strayed too far towards then past the belt loops on the back of their shorts, but they did. they let it continue, and they returned the hug, and they let it happen. that’s what soulmates did. they hugged. they did more. the side of their neck felt uncomfortably bare as Toby looked them over, sap-sticky and clinging, before pulling away. they twisted the sapphire ring on their finger.

“hi,” he smiled. “you look good. really good.”

“thanks.” they took the proffered can of ultra rosa from his hand and let his fingers linger on theirs despite the texture of his skin. “you too.”

it wasn’t a lie. Six had always thought Toby was pretty, even if the attraction wasn’t all there. his skin had tanned deeper, his arms looked a little more defined than the last time they had met, his hair was a little longer. his outfits were still woefully uncreative though, still just shorts and a t-shirt, but Six could respect that not everyone had the passion they had for it. he was pretty, conventionally attractive, Six just… didn’t have the attraction, broken as they were.

“anything new with you?” Toby asked as they wandered through the park, slow under the hot sun.

“since last week, when we last met?” they laughed.

“yeah!”

yes, their mental state had gone further down. yes, they had been cataloguing calories again. yes, they had been watching the number on the scale drop ever so slightly again. yes, they had made their way through the bottle of vodka on the top shelf and bought another. yes, they had taken out the razor and put it back without doing anything again. yes, they had thought about messaging their friends to ask for help again but hadn’t because they don’t want you, they’re too busy for you.

“nope, nothing on my end. one of the kids at the library is doing really well on their reading development though.” that was true enough. Six had been using the updates from Rosie on her job at the library that Six never told Toby they didn’t actually work at as updates for their non-existent library job. “what about you? how’s your parents and all?”

“that’s cool! i finally taught Bread how to use the doggy door. we got it put in ages ago but he just never went through it because it was something new and scary for him but i worked on him for hours to get him to finally do it.”

and thus, Toby was on a tangent. it was easy for Six to listen, much easier than talking. they could listen perfectly well after a lifetime of it, it was easy to make noises and nod along and ask questions to lead him on and not speak. they could see their name on Toby’s wrist, stark white bolder than ever again the warm bronze of his skin, as he described the venue his parents had their wedding anniversary in. another factor of their brokenness, another point of them being a bad soulmate. pure white, barely ever coloured, barely ever feeling, never feeling towards him. they watched it tinge purple in front of their eyes, then orange, then return to white. anger, surprise, nothing. anger at themself, surprise it did anything, then the normal, weird nothingness. Toby didn’t seem to notice.

“i wasn’t there for the actual marriage, i came after that, but they always include me in the anniversary stuff. what about yours?”

“hm?”

“your parents’ wedding, what was it like?” Toby looked at them, curious. “wait, your parents suck, my bad.”

“nah it’s okay. thanks for remembering, though. i was there for it, big, white, church wedding. loads of people i didn’t know, no one my age. the clothes they had me in were itchy as fuck though, and i wasn’t allowed to change until the reception as over ‘cause they wanted me to look proper in all the photos.” Six recounted what they knew of the wedding, long ago as it was.

“were they big on you being proper, then?” always prying.

“yeah, in everything, proper appearance, proper grades, proper gender, proper place in society, proper attitude for my soulmate.” Six snorted. “fuck all that did for me, look at me now.”

Toby found the humour in it, thankfully, and laughed as he ducked under the trailing ivy. they had become familiar with the route through the park by now, after countless walks in sun and rain. they knew where the flowers were and knew more of the names than the first time round, where the pond was that they resolutely ignored the spike of cold fear it sent through them, where the ivy was in relation to the start and end of their walk. it was near the end. listening to Toby talk took up a lot of the time. he had a nice voice, if Six was honest. it was one of the first things they had noticed. deep and smooth, full of energy and tones he had never been able to hide well enough for Six to not notice. they were good at that, if nothing else. they could recognise emotions even without a colour-coded guide on their arm, could tell how he felt and what the micro-expressions he tried to smooth out meant and what the inflection of certain words was for. they were good at that, even if everything else about them was entirely wrong. they knew emotions. they could handle emotions. they knew emotions.

as they returned to the gates of the park, they stopped. Toby turned to them, head tilted ever so slightly as they tossed the empty monster can in the bin. they looked back at him, face on the pleasant side of blank. expectant.

“do you wanna come to mine?” he asked. he had a tiny smile, confident and self-assured. like the answer was obvious. like there was something Six was missing.

Six ignored the weight in their chest that twisted around their ribs like waterweeds around their feet. “sure.”

Toby smiled and took their hand. they let him, for some reason. the sun was setting as he led them to his house, though the air was still hot and the rays were still warm on their skin. he didn’t live far, maybe the thirty minutes he said he’d take to get there earlier. he talked the entire time, though it was more of a conversation this time, trading stories of the nightmare that was school and the incredibly fucked up short stories they read in year 8 that haunted them. Toby’s was the yellow wallpaper which Six could agree was bizarre, fascinating and utterly fucked up, while Six’s own was stone cold, a story Toby had never heard of. Six was delighted to share the undeniably fucked story of homeless youths being lured to their death by a sociopathic ex-soldier, and the twist that the main character’s friend was a reporter pretending to be homeless for a news story. they watched as his expression changed with each plot point and reveal and laughed at the utter disbelief that gail turned out to be a reporter after making link trust her. Six could almost forget about the way they were sinking in their mind as he opened the door to the house his definitely rich parents owned.

“welcome to my humble abode,” he gestured as he kicked his shoes off.

fucking humble abode. it was huge, clean, and full of expensive things that Six thought would break if they breathed wrong. a far cry from their comfortable little flat full of love. they looked down as little feet clattered across the shiny, hardwood floor to see a very fluffy corgi run to Toby. Bread, they assumed. they could see the logic in the name, he did look like a loaf. they privately thought their cats made better loaves, but their babies were dumplings rather than bread.

“this is Bread!” Toby looked up from where he was knelt on the floor fussing the dog with a grin.

Six crouched down and held out a hand as Bread rolled over and bounded over to them to say hello. he licked their hand and barrelled into them with the expectation of more fuss that Six willingly gave him. they very much preferred cats, but dogs were cute enough. he was pretty soft too, they thought as they ruffled the fur on his belly.

“he’s cute.” they said with a smile. “very soft, what’s his conditioner?”

Toby laughed. “2-in-1 dog shampoo, vaguely berry scented. you wanna come up to my room?”

Six fake-gasped and ruffled Bread one last time. “can’t believe he uses 2-in-1. yeah, why not.” they stood up and toed off their platforms to place neatly by the door, and followed Toby upstairs.

his bedroom was messy, a little too messy for Six’s comfort but that was okay, clothes and shoes scattered across the floor, dirty plates and cups stacked on the desk that didn’t have much else on it. an overflowing bin in one corner. a queen bed with navy sheets. bare blue walls with traces of tape and a suspiciously fist-shaped hole (how thin are his walls? how strong is he?). yellow curtains, a few dying succulents on the windowsill. it fit Toby, they decided. they watched him flop onto the bed and he patted the space next to him, so they filled it. they sat in the patch of dying sunlight, on the unbelievably soft mattress, and let him talk more. they talked more too, about meaningless things. the collection of b&q paint samples they used to have, the fact poundland was costing far more than a pound, the absolute rip off that was freddo prices these days, the colour and flavour of monster cans. their somewhat miserable, self-destructive playlist was still playing, as were the thoughts in their mind. they ignored them. for now, it was easy enough to pretend they weren’t sinking. eventually, though, as the sun went down and Toby flicked on the lamp by his bed, the conversation became serious.

“been a while since i’ve seen you with your neck marked up.” Toby remarked, tone too casual for it to be true. “trouble with the partners you’ve got?”

Six ignored the chill in their bones and the weight in their chest. “no, just haven’t seen them in a while. they’re busy.”

Toby raised an eyebrow. “too busy for you?” his expression shifted to one of the two they still couldn’t figure out, the one that made Six feel like they were missing something.

“no, they’ve barely even seen each other lately.” that was a bluff. Six had no idea how often their friends were seeing each other. they hoped it was as little as Six had seen them, but they tended to think lately that there were meetings and sleepovers of two or four people that they just didn’t want Six to come to.

“surely you’re lonely though. can’t be good partners if they’re not making time for you in their busy lives.” there was derision in his voice. derision at the thought of two people he had never met, that he knew nothing about. it bothered them.

“they’re great partners. the fact they’re busy has no effect on that.” their voice was tight and they knew it. they were telling the truth, but that didn’t mean their busyness had no effect on Six.

“i’m just saying,” Toby’s voice was riddled with irritation. “it doesn’t seem like you’re much of a priority to these partners you clearly love. if it were me i’d be making time for you.” the implication was clear to Six, but they wanted the confirmation.

“that’s what this is about?” they asked. “the fact you think you’d treat me better than them?”

“yes!” Toby threw his hands up, frustrated. “obviously i would! you just won’t let me.”

“i’ve known them for years, they love me. they treat me perfectly.” Six kept their voice level, even if they desperately wanted to scream. they knew anger would get them nowhere good.

“i’m your fucking soulmate, i could treat you better than people who are dating each other and don’t even care about you!” Toby had started to raise his voice.

“they do care about me. it’s not their fault or mine that they’re busy.”

“but i’m here! i’m here for you, by the design of the literal fucking universe!” Toby reached over and grabbed their arm, flipped it over to bare the bright purple name on their wrist. anger. rage, maybe. “see! it’s my name there, not theirs. mine. you’re my soulmate, mine.”

Six ripped their arm out of his too-tight grip and stood up. they needed the distance between them, with him on the bed and them by the side of it. “i’m not yours. i’m no one’s. i’m me and i’m mine. not my partners’, not yours. only mine.”

Toby stared at them, at the sapphire ring on their finger, with that look that finally brought the memory it had itched in their mind for months to the surface. the same look their parents gave them when they were honest, when they yelled, when they changed, when they walked into the house dripping wet. the look he gave the cuff on their wrist that they desperately wished was still there, that he gave the ring on their finger, that he gave the marks on their neck that they missed more than ever. the look of utter disdain that bordered on hate. the look that spoke far more than words. the look that meant you are nothing that i want you to be. the look that meant i will change everything about you because it’s wrong. the look that meant you are a problem to be fixed. the look that meant i will make you what i want you to be. the look that solidified the idea that Six was well and truly broken, and that maybe they were happy to be beyond repair if it meant that the meaning behind that look would not come true.

“you’re my soulmate. the universe said you’re mine, even if you’re so fucking determined to not be.” Toby had stood now, on the other side of the bed, still yelling, still spitting vitriol. “you’re not theirs, they don’t even fucking want you.”

that wasn’t true. it couldn’t be true. they knew it wasn’t true but fuck it felt true.

“i’ve been trying to get you to see i’m what’s right for you but you’re just so fucking stubborn all the time. i’ve been nice, i’ve been taking it slow because that’s what you wanted, i’ve been your friend. i deserve more than that.”

they were drifting. becoming untethered in an unknown bedroom, with an angry man. he did deserve better. they knew that. they knew they weren’t a good soulmate. god, they knew. they knew they couldn’t feel properly, they knew they didn’t have the physical attraction, they knew they didn’t have romantic attraction, they knew they didn’t have the sexual attraction. god, they knew. they knew he deserved better than what they could give. than what they had been giving and trying to give. they knew, somewhere deep down, that they had always known that it wouldn’t work. that they wouldn’t be able to give enough. that maybe this was always going to happen. that there was always going to be an argument. that there was always going to be an issue with them, or their life, or their choices. they knew they weren’t good enough. that they’d never be good enough. that maybe they should’ve died in their childhood bedroom. that maybe they should’ve died long before then.

“i deserve better.” he had stopped yelling. still angry, still purple.

“i know.” they did.

they turned towards the door and moved to leave. that was the logical step after that argument. he caught their wrist, gentler this time but not by much. they didn’t move, didn’t turn to face him in the unfamiliar lamplight.

“so give me better.” he was behind them, close enough that they could feel the heat of his body against their back.

the name on their wrist wasn’t purple anymore.

“i don’t-“

“i deserve better, don’t i?” his breath was hot against their ear.

it was red.

“yes. but i don’t want-“ they didn’t know how to say it.

“so give me better.” his tone matched that other unfamiliar look. the one that they were rapidly beginning to understand.

“i’m not-“ they couldn’t find the words. they were too untethered. too far gone.

“let me have better.”

they didn’t know how to say it. they didn’t say yes. but he took their silence as an agreement, and guided them back to the bed, with a blinding red name on their wrist. and they sank, untethered.

-

Six had almost died once. drowned. in winter, in the lake behind their childhood house where the willow tree wept at its side, when they were seven and alone and on the brink of being an outcast. it had been cold, so cold, and the lake had frozen over as it did every winter, ready to be skated on. it wasn’t a clean lake. the water was bitter and green and the soft mud at the bottom, far out of reach, was coated in a thick layer of weeds that never bloomed. it was a haven, for little Six. they had been bored that day, so bored that it prickled their skin and burnt their heart and overwhelmed them completely. so they had gone to the frozen lake. alone, unsupervised, no friends to play with and no parents to supervise. they had been to the lake so many times, they knew the lake. they knew where they could reach and how thick the ice would be. they knew the dangers and the safety. they knew the lake. but it was winter, and they were alone, and they were so overwhelmingly bored. they had started on the edges, above the shallows, where the ice was thick and unbreakable, and danced along the ice on bare feet. they took a step further in, where the ice was still thick, and skidded along on light feet. they took another step. they knew the dangers. they knew it was safe, even as the ice became a little thinner. Six didn’t know exactly what happened next. maybe they had slipped on the ice. maybe they had taken a step too far. maybe they had missed the warning creaks of breaking ice. but in one moment they were skidding and dancing on the solid ice, and in the next they had plunged through too-thin ice and into the bitter, still depths of the centre.

it was cold. so cold. colder than the ice above and the snow on the ground. it wasn’t fun or exciting. it was icy, cold all around them. ice and fear and pain. they couldn’t tell where they were. they didn’t know what was happening. they were suspended in the murky green water and didn’t know which way was up, which way was right. their eyes were squeezed shut, they didn’t know when they had closed them. they flailed and sank and their feet tangled tight in the trailing waterweeds that blanketed the deepest bottom of the lake. their lungs burnt. they knew they had to hold their breath, they knew. but their lungs burnt and they only had little lungs in a little body and there was so little air in them. they had to get up. they had to get out. even though the water felt so heavy and their arms were tired and their legs ached. but they knew they had to get out. so Six opened their eyes under the water. it stung, so they closed them again, then opened them once more. it stung, painful and sharp in the deep water, but they had to. they needed to. no one would help them. they had to do it themself, even if it would be so easy not to. to just let the verdant water fill their lungs. to just sink into the mud. to just stop moving and let the waterweeds take them. to do exactly what they wanted to do and still wanted to do. but they couldn’t. they didn’t want to. not really. this was not the place to die. they looked down. their feet were tangled in the weeds. they kicked and trashed and pulled until the slimy chains broke and their feet were free. they looked up. there was a hole. a dark, rippling spot in a blanket of light. they had to reach it. they kicked their legs and pushed their aching arms upwards, and Six moved. the dark spot got a little closer. they pushed again. the dark got closer. they pushed again. the dark was so close. their lungs burnt. their lungs burnt so badly. they reached for the edge of the dark and pulled, and their head broke the surface. they breathed, gasped to fill their lungs, and the ice broke, and water filled their lungs. they broke the surface again.

they grasped at the ice again and pulled until they were on thicker ground. they grabbed at the branches of the willow tree above them and pulled and pushed until they reached the edge of the lake with water in their lungs and collapsed onto the snow. the water made its way out forcefully, coughed out into the snow with a splash and splatter until there was nothing left but pain. six laid under the willow tree with sticky palms from leaking sap and nothing left in their lungs, not even air. Six tried to wipe the sap off on sodden clothes but it wouldn’t move, and it wouldn’t wash off in the snow or the fragmented hole. so Six got up and walked back home. their stinging red eyes, their waterlogged platinum curls, their soaked clothes, their burning lungs, were met with disapproval and disdain. they were not asked what happened. they did not explain. they dripped on the hardwood floor. they dripped up the stairs. they dripped on the bedroom carpet. they changed their clothes and curled up in bed. they did not return to the lake in winter again. they never went past the shallows in summer.

their lungs never stopped burning, waterlogged then and smoke filled now. their hair never stopped dripping with the memory. the cold never left, buried in their spine and spreading phantom chills. Six had drowned once. Six had nearly died. this felt an awful lot like that.

-

he is asleep. you are Six.

slip out of the bed. you are Six.

pick up the shorts and pull them on. you are Six.

step down the stairs and pull the shoes on. you are Six.

walk out the door. you are Six.

walk down the driveway. you are Six

vomit in a bush. you are Six.

walk down the darkened road. you are Six.

step into the streetlight. you are Six.

walk down the darkened road. you are Six.

step into the streetlight. you are Six.

walk down the darkened road. you are Six.

they knew this road. this was their road. church street. they were shaking. you are Six. they opened the door and walked up the stairs. walked up the stairs. walked up the stairs. walked up the stairs. walked up the stairs. five flights. you are Six. they opened the front door, familiar and dark and empty. the cats, the souplets, the souplings, the dumplings, Soup, Stew, Broth, were sprawled out across the sofa and in front of the balcony door. they closed the door and pulled their shoes off. it was setting in now. they had sunk. it had happened. rock bottom. he did that. barely tethered. you are Six. they pulled the bottle of vodka from the lowest shelf they had put it on for easy access and refilled the cat bowls. they flicked the lid off and drank. it burned. they felt it. they walked to the bathroom, stumbled on shaky legs. they shut the door, didn’t open it even as they heard the cats mewl on the other side. they didn’t want their babies to see this. they collapsed on the floor and vomited again, into the toilet this time. you are Six. their knees ached on the tile and they felt it. they flushed it and drank again. they pulled open the drawer from where they sat on the cold floor and scrabbled in the back of it for the razor. they drank again. their fingers tightened around the razor and they went to work. a familiar pattern. a teenage pattern. drink, cut, drink, cut, drink, cut. not too much, not too deep. they felt it. they put the razor down, somewhere on the counter above them, maybe in the sink. you are Six. they stood on aching legs and stared in the mirror. bright red lines, careful and shallow over the name until it was gone, careful in the one blank spot they had left on their shoulder that they left open just in case. it burnt, it hurt, it bled, and they felt it. they looked in the mirror. faded, murky, yellow hair. smudged concealer that let raccoon freckles fade through. streaked eye makeup from tears they didn’t remember crying. they left the vodka on the counter and sank to the floor again. they didn’t know how long they sat there. they got up. they opened the door and let their babies spill in. you are Six. they cradled Broth on their shoulder and Soup in their arms and let Stew wind through their legs. they went to their room. you are Six. they let the souplings onto the bed and changed their clothes. something of one of their partners, one of their friends. the sapphire ring still on their finger. you are Six. they left the clothes on the floor. they slept.

you are Six.

Chapter Text

Six woke up.

they took out their contacts.

their put on their glasses.

they stretched out their limbs ridden with panic tension.

they drank old water to soothe the vomit-vodka soreness in their throat.

they got up.

they fed the cats.

they got dressed.

they applied their makeup.

they played with the cats.

they wrapped their shoulder.

they cuffed their wrist.

they went to work.

they came home.

they played with the cats.

they fed the cats.

they changed their clothes.

they slept.

Six woke up.

they got up.

they fed the cats.

they got dressed.

they ignored the group chat.

they applied their makeup.

they ignored the contact that shouldn’t have a smiley face.

they played with the cats.

they wrapped their shoulder.

they cuffed their wrist.

they went to work.

they came home.

they played with the cats.

they fed the cats.

they ignored the contact that shouldn’t have a smiley face.

they changed their clothes.

they ignored the group chat.

they slept.

Six woke up.

they got up.

they fed the cats.

they got dressed.

they got a message from Rosie.

they applied their makeup.

they replied to Rosie.

they ignored the group chat.

they played with the cats.

they wrapped their shoulder.

they cuffed their wrist.

they went to work.

they came home.

they played with the cats.

they fed the cats.

they went downstairs to see Rosie and Junie.

they went back upstairs.

they changed their clothes.

they ignored the group chat.

they slept.

Six woke up.

they got up.

they fed the cats.

they ignored the contact they wished didn’t exist.

they got dressed.

they ignored the group chat.

they applied their makeup.

they played with the cats.

they wrapped their shoulder.

they cuffed their wrist.

they went to work.

they ignored their friends.

they came home.

they played with the cats.

they fed the cats.

they ignored the group chat.

they changed their clothes.

they ignored the group chat.

“don’t ghost us for five days again.”

“i won’t. i promise.”

they messaged a smaller group chat. lovers rock.

baby #1: if yuore not too busy tomrrw could you come over

baby #1: please

baby #1: don;t have to if you can’t amke it

they slept.

baby #2: we’ll be there

baby #2: whenever u need

baby wrangler: of course we will

Chapter Text

when Six heard their front door click open the next day, they had returned to the bathroom. they sat in the bath with the water off. fully clothed. just in the empty bath with the silly jesus shower curtain pulled across. it felt like the best place to be. they listened to the low, familiar voices, tracked them through the flat until they arrived outside the cracked bathroom door. they heard it creak open and a beat of silence. the vodka was still open on the counter. the razor was still sat in the sink with dried blood on the blade. the events of the night before were obvious. there was no subtlety, no symbolism. no need to ask questions or dig for answers. no need to piece clues together. it was right there on the counter. something had happened, and Six had sunk so far down, and they had fallen into the old, familiar comfort of self-destruction. it was all right there on the counter.

“you in here, baby?” Leo, sweet and soft.

Six wormed a hand under the shower curtain and tapped the bath. they weren’t dead. they heard twin, near-silent sighs of relief. they pulled their hand back in.

“you ghosted us again.” King, tender and worried under the tone.

“didn’t break my promise. said i wouldn’t ghost you for five days. it’s been four. today would’ve been five.” they were right and they knew they were. they followed the letter of the promise if not the spirit. they heard King mumble about how they were technically right.

“can we see you, doll? much as i like the ‘i saw that’ curtain, i’d much rather see you.”

“no.” that came out too fast, too aggressive. “not yet.” they said, softer. they knew they looked bad. their curls were an ugly shade of yellow and knotted beyond belief. their arm still hadn’t healed, they had always been a slow healer. they knew the lost weight would be noticed. their knuckles were cracked and their lips were chapped.

“can we sit on this side, lovely?”

“that’s okay.” Six watched their shadows on the shower curtain shift and lower. they knew King would be leant against one side of the bath, closest to the taps, and Leo would be opposite. they adjusted the shower curtain a little to make sure they weren’t visible.

“do you hate me?” they asked. they hated how small their voice sounded. like they were eight and desperately seeking approval, affirmation, all over again.

they heard quiet sounds of arguing on the other side. “we don’t hate you. ‘course we don’t hate you, doll.” King paused. “wanna tell us why you think we do?”

Six’s breath hitched and they hit their wrist, the undamaged one, against their knee a few times. they had to be honest. they hummed, shaky. i will. just give me time. they sat in silence, listening to three pairs of lungs working. they were fairly sure there was a game of rock paper scissors going on beyond the shower curtain.

“haven’t seen you in months. saw you at the birthdays but haven’t seen you properly. barely talked to you.” they scrubbed at their watering eyes but the words wouldn’t stop now. the quiet shuffling on the other side had stopped. “barely talked to anyone. i know it’s ‘cause everyone had a lot going on all at once but i was doing bad and kept doing bad and no one had the time to talk normally let alone be there. and then i just ended up thinking that i wasn’t good enough, and everyone was talking about me but not to me, and was meeting up without me, and that you didn’t want me around anymore ‘cause i’m not enough. so i didn’t reach out anymore ‘cause i couldn’t convince myself it mattered.”

they knew the sniffling sounds of crying were audible in the noiseless bathroom. they heard Leo coo, low and soft, in the way that meant he wanted to hold them close and wipe away the damage. they heard a quiet fuck from King and could picture the agitated hand running through its hair and the twitch of its fingers wanting to cradle their face. but they both respected the flimsy barrier of the shower curtain and stayed put. Six relaxed a little further against the cool plastic-porcelain.

“my love, give me your phone.”

there was some shuffling on the other side of the shower curtain before Leo’s fingers appeared under the curtain and slid two phones into the bath. Six watched them skid and settle in the bottom of the bath in front of them.

“now, lovely, you can check. no secret group chats, no private messages being horrible about you, nothing at all.”

“but that makes it sound like i don’t trust you.” they sniffed. they did trust their partners.

“doll, we know.” King’s head fell against the rim of the bath behind the curtain, close enough that Six could poke it and barely move the thin fabric. “but would you believe just our words right now? yes or no.”

“…no.”

“and would it help if you could see it for yourself? yes or no.”

“yes.”

“then be as nosy as you like.”

Six stared at the phones in the bottom of the bath for a while longer. the bathroom settled into comfortable silence, punctuated with occasional swearing and whispered calls of cheat as rock paper scissors progressed. they picked up Leo’s first, the clear case with a polaroid of the three of them in the back. they were let in by their fingerprint because of course they were. they scrolled through the chats. no secret Six-hating group chats. they scrolled through the messages in each one, all the way back to march when they first started to sink. nothing that could possibly indicate he was tired of Six, nothing that implied anything short of the overwhelming amount of love he held. a message from Saffron from three days ago.

saffi-taffi: have you heard from six

saffi-taffi: they’ve vanished

leopard: not yet

leopard: trying to not worry tho

they locked the phone again and tucked it between their thighs and their torso.

“does Saffron know her contact name from you is saffi-taffi?” they asked as they picked up King’s phone.

“it’s saffi-taffi?”

“no and don’t you dare tell her, i like living.” Leo laughed.

“saffi-taffi?”

the air in the bathroom felt a little lighter as they flicked through King’s messages while their partners bickered. still no secret group chats, still not a single message with any implication of Six being not enough. a message from Kat, six days ago.

katarina: do you know where six is??

katarina: i have a bad feeling

thee king: no why

thee king: what kind of bad

katarina: like something’s really wrong

six days ago. Kat had been right. their chest tightened at the realisation that she had been so incredibly right. they exhaled shakily and locked the phone. they slid both up under the shower curtain to rest on the lip of the bath. they hummed again. thank you i believe you thank you.

“we love you, you know that, right?”

mhm

King tapped on the side of the bath, three times, solid and even. “really love you.”

mhm

“say it out loud for us?”

“love you too. both of you.”

Six could feel the weight of what was coming next in the air. they wanted to talk about it but they didn’t want to say it. like that made it true. of course, it was already true. it had happened. they ached the morning after, their mouth tasted like vomit the morning after, the vodka and the blade on the counter weren’t just for fun, they still felt dirty. but if they didn’t speak about it, that made it less real. because no one else knew. because that way they could pretend it was a dream. because they didn’t want it to be real. but it was. it was real, and it happened, and there were people who cared, and they wanted to talk about it. they knew that was supposed to help.

“can you tell us what happened, lovely? what triggered it?”

Six took a deep breath. you can do this. you are Six.

“Kat was right six days ago. in your messages, i mean. i was doing worse and sinking more and more over the last few months. i don’t really remember them. no one was around, and i was falling into old habits and believing old thoughts. the stuff i did as a teenager, as you can see,” they gestured behind the curtain in the direction of the counter, “and the stuff my mother told me. about how i’m not good enough, i’m a terrible soulmate, that i’m broken, all of that, and because no one was there, i ended up talking to t-“ they paused on the name. “i ended up talking to him more. like regularly, properly. we met up a lot. it was nice, and i ended up ignoring that weird weight in my chest that i think i’ve had since i met him.”

they hugged their knees close to their chest and breathed. in, out. in, out. in, out. there was no music to fill the white tiled space, no background track. there was nothing to soften the blow, nothing to make it feel a little less real.

“then six days ago, we met up again. it was nice, it was good. i don’t know why i asked him to meet up. but it was all okay, even though i felt horrible inside. then when we finished walking around the park, he invited me back to his house. and i went. shouldn’t have fucking went. should never have texted him at all.”

King tapped on the side of the bath again. Leo hummed, low and sweet in its okay, its not your fault, how could you have known. Six steeled themself.

“it was still okay for a while. then the sun went down and we ended up arguing. it started with him pointing out how i didn’t have any of your marks for a while and he said you’re not good partners because you didn’t make time for me. and i said that’s not true, ‘cause you’re perfect and you treat me perfect.”

another sound of understanding. another tap on the bath. we know, it’s okay, we know.

“so he started saying he would treat me better and make time for me, and that i just wouldn’t let him ‘cause i’m stubborn, and that you don’t even care about me or want me because you’re dating each other. and that he’s there for me because the universe said so, and he grabbed me to show his name on my wrist and said i’m his. it was so purple. he looked at me like i was a problem he was supposed to fix. like there was something wrong with me to change. he was yelling and grabbing and it hurt and it was so much and i started being untethered.”

Six slipped their hand out under the curtain, kept the scabbed one hidden. a calloused hand cradled theirs, thumb swiping over their bleeding knuckles. cold fingers laced overtop, gentle comfort. it's not your fault, it’s okay, we’re here now.

“he said he’s what’s right for me. that he’s been nice and friendly because i wanted that but that he deserved more.” their words caught in their throat with a sob. it was becoming so real. Leo cooed again, so soft it was almost silent. they knew the harsh sigh King let out, the one that meant it had a feeling it would get worse. it’s okay. we’re here. you’re safe. you’re tethered.

“he said he deserves better and i said i know, ‘cause i did. and i tried to leave, i tried, but he grabbed my wrist again and stopped me.”

they held back the tears. they held onto the edge of the shower curtain. they held their partners’ hands.

“he told me to give him better. to let him have better. then his name wasn’t purple and i tried to say no and i tried to say i didn’t want that but i didn’t know how to say it and he kept talking over me and i was so untethered and he thought the silence was a yes but it wasn’t and his name was red, it was so red, and i just sank and disappeared until it was over and i didn’t want to, i didn’t, i really didn’t.”

they pulled back the shower curtain and fell into King’s chest with a sob that had been building for six days. they didn’t say any more, didn’t look up, didn’t do anything except bury their face in the worn-soft fabric of King’s shirt and cry. they didn’t move, even as Leo pressed up cold against their back and curled around them like a shield. they didn’t react as hands ghosted over their body, smoothing out the damage left behind and asking when did you lose this weight, why weren’t we there, we’re here now. all they could do was cry as soft words were murmured in their ear and softer kisses were pressed against their hair, their neck, their hands. thank god he had never kissed them anywhere. they didn’t remember most of that night but they knew he hadn’t, knew he wouldn’t do something as tender and trust-laced. they cried until six days of tears were gone, and then more, until there was nothing but uneven, heaving breaths and a lightness they forgot their chest could have. they pulled back ever so slightly, face kept safe in the now soaked t-shirt.

“don’t- don’t stop touching me. don’t change how you treat me, what- what you do to me, what we do. don’t change it ‘cause of what he did, okay? just- no grabbing my wrists. that’s all.”

a warm hand traced over their frozen spine. a cold hand trailed over their flushed cheek. Leo tilted their head up to make eye contact with King, always so in sync. they met King’s gaze, familiar and soft and intense, and sank into the feeling of its hands, its warmth, its love, as Leo peeled away.

“oh, darlin’.” a hand smoothed over their knotted curls, the other strong and secure against the small of their back. “we’ll do anythin’ you want.”

Six was quite sure they looked terrible, with unwashed hair and day old eyeliner and in dire need of lip balm, but King looked at them like they were made of stardust and it kissed them like it meant it, and Six finally felt something other than empty pain as their cheeks flushed anew. when it leaned back, Six rather desperately wanted more, but Leo crouched beside them and guided their face up for another languid kiss that didn’t last long enough. they weren’t sure how long they sat there for, comfortably warm on the bathroom floor trading kisses until they felt nothing but love, but the tension had bled from their body and left them slumped against King, all too willing to sleep regardless of the time. but Leo nudged them and they hummed a comfortable, tired, safe in response until he held a cold can to their neck. they glared as it fell into their lap and almost rolled away, only to be met with an insufferable, beloved grin. they look down at the can and then back to Leo with wide eyes.

“how’d you know i’d want aussie lemonade?”

Leo shrugged as he hoisted himself onto the counter. the counter that had nothing there that shouldn’t be. the counter that he must have cleared of their sunken activities while King distracted them. “you always go for it in summer, but you also said once that it’s the most hydrating. you just cried a week or more’s worth of tears. ergo, aussie lemonade.”

“don’t ergo me in my own bathroom, this is the vulnerability zone.” they cracked open the can regardless of his ergo, and embraced the feeling of being known.

“bathroom is the vulnerability zone?” King spoke into their hair. how it was willing to deal with the state of it they didn’t know.

“yeah. bathroom is for vulnerability, kitchen is for tenderness, balcony is for connection. well, the plastic chairs are for connection but they’re on the balcony, so.”

Six had carried those associations for a while. they had always liked the white plastic chairs, sticky as they were in summer, aged off-white. their kitchen wasn’t full of screaming, not like they were used to, it never would be. their bathroom was where they were at their rawest, cracked open and aching. they hadn’t intended for it to be that way, but there was something that naturally drew the emotions out of them in each location, something that felt right about each one. the felt raw now, edges harsh and jagged, but they were eroding. it was the joyous ordeal of being known, to allow themself to be vulnerable and break apart then be smoothed out and put back together with silent words and soft touches. they listened to the idle conversation and watched the intense gameplay of rock paper scissors as they sipped their monster and let the soreness of their throat fade. they were grateful for the tactful avoidance of the subject of their scabs and the placement. King kept one hand on the curve of their waist, thumb arcing over the edge of their ribs, as the other reached into the bath to run the tap.

“think you can manage a shower, doll?”

Six thought about it. on one hand, they didn’t really want to move. on the other hand, they felt dirty, and their hair felt gross and they had King right there to wash it for them.

“only if you wash my hair.”

Leo pushed himself off the counter. “i’ll get you new clothes, and do something while you shower.” true to his word, he disappeared and returned with a pile of neatly folded clothes and their phone laying on top. he left them on the counter and pulled Six up from King’s lap. they went willingly, even if their legs did hurt from what was probably hours sat first in the bath, then on the floor.

Leo left the bathroom, left them to their shared ritual. Six appreciated the unspoken understanding that showering was something between King and Six alone, much like Leo did their skincare alone. their phone screen, blessedly empty of notifications (thank you do not disturb), indicated that it was in fact later than expected. 22:35, to be exact. they ignored the number of messages they had, all from an unwanted contact, and flipped through their playlists until one felt right. a combined effort from Kat and Leo, with a few of Six’s own choices, called ocean is space. sometimes they wondered where their friends got their playlist names from, and decided they didn’t actually want to know.

“you still okay with me being in here?” King leant against the counter next to them as tv girl filled the room.

they nodded, but verbalised when they saw the look in its eyes. “i like it when you help me shower. i want you here. i don’t want you to change anything.”

that was enough for the tension to leave its face, and they stripped off their old clothes to stand under the spray. King always managed to get the temperature perfect on the first try. there was minimal conversation, as expected of their little ritual, but Six made their little sounds and received echoed responses. i’m okay, you’re okay, i’m alright, you’re alright. they let the water soak through their hair and relaxed into the easy touch of warm hands on their scalp and vanilla shampoo. they were content to stand there and let King separate the tangles with careful fingers, let it guide them back under the spray and rinse the suds out. they chirped, peaceful as it ran conditioner through their hair and toy with the shape of the locks. they basked in the familiar comfort as it guided their head back and kept the water away from their eyes, let it wash away the residue and the pain that lingered. its hands swept over their shoulders, all done, and they blinked their eyes open. they picked up the bottle of half-gone cherry bodywash and the green flannel and held them out. King looked at them, intense and undecipherable. they hadn’t offered this before. they hadn’t wanted to before. but they needed to wash away six days of hurt and they knew their own hands would only hurt more. they were comfortable with this, they chose this.

King tilted their chin up with a finger and searched their face. “you want me to do it?”

Six nodded, resolute. “i trust you. i want you to.”

the intensity decoded into something they knew. love, but all the more stronger in this moment. it took the bodywash and flannel from their hands, cautious, but it relaxed as they let it. it touched Six with reverence, its hands devoted as it washed away six days of dirt and pain. its touch was confident in its softness, aware of their sensitive skin and where it ran the flannel over. there was something in the intimacy, something warm and new but oh so familiar despite the development. something like hearing love you, Six for the first time in this same bathroom through a phone speaker, something like losing a nonsense argument with green dye on their hair because i love you is such an undoing phrase, something like sticky cleavers against their skin, something like cold cans on their neck, something like the freedom of terrible dancing at 3:45am but fuller. Six didn’t quite have name for what filled the space between songs in the air as the water shut off and King wrapped a towel around them. they didn’t think they needed to have one. they saw it in their partners, in everything they did. they felt it catch in their throat when they saw reddened marks opposite baby pink freesias on their neck. they knew it, because they felt it, because it was real. they dried themself off, scrunched the water out of their hair, and pulled on the clothes Leo had left. bamboo socks, a pair of Leo’s shorts, a t-shirt of King’s. they looked at it softly as it slid their glasses onto their face.

“thank you,” they said, almost drowned out by the sound of dayglow. “for listening to what i want.” they couldn’t let it go unspoken. it was too important for that.

King kissed their forehead. don’t thank me, you’re everything, i’ll do anything you want. “let’s go see Leo.” it opened the bathroom door and let Soup in to climb into Six’s arms, and they left.

they were curious about what exactly Leo had occupied himself with while they were being taken care of. Six stopped in the living room. they looked at the flat they hadn’t realised had been messy until it wasn’t anymore, and at the familiar black marker on the kitchen counter, and put the pieces together. Leo had taken it upon himself to clean their flat and planned to black out the nutrition labels, if he hadn’t already started to. they dropped Soup to let their hands flutter by their side. he had done it without being asked, without any reason other than it would make Six’s life easier. they hummed, high pitched and wordless, as something buzzed in their bones. they crossed the living room to where Leo stood by the kitchen counter and pulled him down into a fevered kiss that said thank you thank you thank you without needing to say anything at all. the cool fingertips that brushed over starbursts of colour between their ribs and the freesias on their neck said for you, anything for you, all for you. they pulled away, hands looped around his neck and stared at him.

“you cleaned my flat.”

“i did.”

“you blacked out all my food labels.”

“not all of them yet.” yet.

they saw King from the corner of their eye, sat on the floor with a laser pointer that sent their souplets running after it and climbing on each other to reach the elusive red dot.

“do you wanna do my skincare?” another ritual, another form of intimacy.

Leo look at them with bright, lovestruck eyes and pulled them back to the bathroom, still warm from the shower steam. their phone was still on the counter, something from flower boy playing as Leo lifted them to sit next to it. they swung their legs as they watched him collect various bottles and tubs from the drawers. they didn’t do their skincare as often as they should, sometimes it was too much effort to try. Leo was far better at it, far gentler in his practiced touches. their ritual was shorter, naturally, than showering, but no less important. they closed their eyes with birdsong chirrups in their throat as Leo ran the tap to soak their face flannel. he wiped away the crusty eyeliner and remnants of concealer, careful as he ran the cotton pad under their eyes. he rambled as he rubbed cleanser into their skin and wiped it off again, about meaningless things. facts about otters and the artists on the playlist. he told them about the latest story he had read as he applied their toner, two anime boys put into a normal high school situation. as he dabbed spot treatment onto their temples he explained the plot of an anime Six had never watched, about some kid who ate a finger and thus made everything suck for himself. he daubed moisturiser across their cheeks and forehead and narrated the latest drama in the old ladies reading club that gathered in the coffee shop he worked at, and explained how Doris was entirely out of line to call Eunice’s cake dry when she didn’t even eat it as he massaged it in with gentle circles. they opened their eyes to the sound of dreamland when his thumbs stroked over their cheekbones, all done, and parted their lips to let him apply their cherry lip balm.

his hands were cold on their thighs as he watched them with a tilted head. they tilted theirs to match, hair wet over their shoulder, and paused their music.

“you sure there’s nothing you want us to change, lovely?” he was kind, always kind.

“i’m sure.” they said, firm. their hands found their way home to the nape of his neck where grown out hair curled against their fingers. “you know me. if i end up needing something different, you’d probably notice before i do.”

Leo’s fingers trailed over the black ink whirls on their legs, up and down and back again. “just don’t want you thinking you can’t tell us.”

they curled loose hair around their fingers, i know, dragged their hand over the curve of his shoulder, i trust you, traced the shape of his cheekbones, i’m safe with you. “i’ll always tell you. even if i have to do it from behind the shower curtain.”

Six felt clean, still raw and half-eroded but clean, as they found King sprawled out across their bed, shirtless and soft under the familiar blue fairy lights. they crawled into the space it left them and felt Leo fill the gap behind them a moment later. their bed was not designed for three people, in the same way their balcony was not designed for five, but it worked for them. the closeness, the curve of an arm around their shoulders, a face pressed against their neck. it worked. it was too warm, even past midnight, for a blanket. so Six curled their hand around the white and red bunny that was full of love and burrowed into King’s chest with damp curls spread around them and tangled their legs with Leo’s. they felt a little more okay, they felt like themself again rather than a sinking ghost. you are Six.

“we’re here for you.” Leo whispered against their neck. “always for you.”

“i know.” they didn’t have to thank them for that. “i love you.”

the words were repeated, lips brushing over baby pink freesias.

“we’re yours, doll, same way we’re each others’. now sleep.” King’s voice was rough with the desire to sleep.

yours.

not mine, not theirs, not ours. yours.

Six settled into the warmth, edges eroded by the love that danced under their skin, and slept.

Chapter Text

Leo and King had all but moved in as the days crept towards july, only leaving to work and occasionally fetch more of their own clothes. it was an unspoken change, one that would end when Six said so and no sooner, told by the gradual integration of their belongings with Six’s. Leo’s skincare filled the spaces on the bathroom counter between Six’s makeup, King’s perfume collection joined their own on their bookshelf, the spare toothbrushes they kept were now in the cup in the bathroom next to Six’s own, their clothes mingled into Six’s already overfilled wardrobe. Six didn’t mind having something warm to come home to in the week after they fell apart. it was a comfort to know there was something soft waiting for them after a shitty day, something bright to share joy with. it was almost jarring at first, to return home and have at least one person come greet them at the door along with their cats. to have someone else restock the fridge with more than the necessities and have company on their trips to lidl. to find dishes washed and lemon juice squeezed without having to do it themself. but Six eased into the feeling, the temporary normal, and allowed themself to feel good about it without worrying if they were being a burden. they had mentioned it, just once, three days into their partners’ extended stay after a far too realistic nightmare-turned-flashback, and had promptly been showered with affection until they entirely forgot what they had been worried about.

they had made a point to message Kat and Saffron, assuring them that yes, they were alive and no, they weren’t really okay but it was alright. they finally introduced their partners to Rosie, who had adapted rather well to her new life, and Junie, who was thrilled to introduce two more people to the joy of sesame street. they had taken to both girls instantly, drawn into the clutter and background noise of baby tv, and had spent the evening with Rosie teaching them how to dance with far more success than the last time she had tried to teach Six. she had pulled Six aside to congratulate them on what they had created before ushering them all out before Junie’s bedtime. Rosie had ended up borrowing one of Six’s wrist cuffs after one too many sour looks from other parents when she picked Junie up from nursery and they let her keep it, all too aware of the pain it brought. their own wrist had been firmly covered ever since that night. she had ended up telling them, one quiet night alone in her living room, that Junie had been entirely an accident that she had considered getting rid of. her parents hadn’t let her, despite their disapproval of her sleeping around, and so Juniper had been born and Rosie had scraped together money from any source she could for three years until she could find somewhere worth living. Six had stayed the night after that revelation, unwilling to let her cry alone, and returned to their own flat the next morning after seeing Junie off to nursery. they continued working, and told Rosie to bring Junie to the studio sometime. they spent some evenings in their own studio with their partners, who failed miserably to sculpt their own creations as Six worked until they resorted to trying to distract Six, always successfully. they settled into the routine, took excessive showers to feel clean again, and realised they still had to tell their other friends what happened, so as the month died they sent a message.

ducky: do yuo and saffron wanna coem over tonight

ducky: kinda have to tell you abt waht happened

kitty cat: yes!

kitty cat: have you been okay??

ducky: not rlly

ducky: but leo and king have been here

ducky: for liek a week

ducky: so it could be worse

kitty cat: saff would like to know if we should bring cider

kitty cat: we can be there this evening btw

ducky: tell her yes

ducky: plastic chair kinda night

kitty cat: will do ^-^

when Saffron began to hammer on Six’s door, just shy of the low sun turning golden, they ignored it. they were content where they were in their bed, sat in Leo’s lap with King pressed warm against their back, hard at work on their neck while they were kissed senseless to the sound of some indie pop song. Saffron continued to knock, determined to get an answer. Six’s phone buzzed once. then again. and again. they pulled away and reached for their phone with a sigh, even as Leo’s hand remained low on their hip.

saff: open the door

saff: stop being gay

saff: open the door

saff: i know ur being gay in there

saff: open the door

“she’s not gonna stop, you know.” they slid from Leo’s lap to sit on the edge of the bed.

star: im coming hold on

saff: you better not be

star: shutup

King followed their movements, magnetised, its arms loose around their waist. “can’t she wait a little longer?”

saff: i will start Screaming

saff: let us in

Six showed it her messages with a laugh. “clearly not.” they peeled its hands away and pulled on the first shirt they found on the floor, Leo’s brightly coloured one with characters Six knew were from one piece emblazoned on the front. “come on, time to get vulnerable and emotional on the balcony.”

Leo slid off the bed to land on the floor with an overdramatic groan and Six left their partners to collect themselves as they went to let their other friends in before Saffron made true on her promise to scream, because time was of the essence when they were entirely aware that she had no shame and would do exactly that. Six did not want to receive another noise complaint because of her desire to scream in the hallway. they pulled the door open to the sight of Kat trying to cover Saffron’s open mouth with her hand – at least one of the girls had sense.

“don’t you dare scream, get in here.” they couldn’t quite keep the smile off their face as they shut the door behind them.

Saffron bumped their shoulder with hers and let the contact linger, a veritable bear hug from her, as she kicked her trainers off by the door and swanned into their flat with a bag of clinking cider bottles and a call to the others to show their faces. they knew her care was less physical, less verbal, than anyone else’s but it was still there, still just as strong. Kat lingered in the entry way after she slid her heels off, hesitating just long enough for Six to open their arms slightly before she gathered them into a hug. they tucked their head against her chest and let her hold them close for as long as she needed to, content to stand in the entryway of their flat until her hand stopped anxiously smoothing over their hair and her grip between their shoulder blades eased. they ignored the shouts from the living room. she stepped back and cradled their face, rubbed her thumbs over their freckles as she examined their face and took in their appearance.

“you look lighter.” she stated. “less drained.”

“i feel it.” they offered with half a smile. “sorry for worrying you.”

she swept her thumbs across their cheeks a final time before her hands dropped. “it was hardly your fault, ducky, now let’s go before something gets broken.”

in the small window of unsupervised time, Saffron had managed to pin King face down on the floor as Leo watched it flail under her. Six stared at the scene, the unopened cider bottles knocked onto the floor, the cushions flung across the carpet, the lack of remorse on King’s face as it tried to wriggle free from Saffron’s grip.

“hi Kat!” Leo said brightly. “your boyfriend has turned the living room into a wrestling ring.”

Kat dropped onto the sofa with Soup in her arms and observed the situation. “and what did your boyfriend do to make her start?”

“i think it was mutual. like when baby tigers fight each other for fun.”

“can they do it away from the table? i like my coffee table.” Six curled up in their corner of the sofa. “King seems to be losing again.”

“hey! i don’t always lose.”

“get back on the carpet, loser. anyway, Six, you look alright for once. too skinny, though.”

“are you a grandmother? i’m fine.” they laughed.

“i will buy a biscuit tin just to put your sewing kit in it.”

King took advantage of her momentary distraction to squirm free, only to be pulled back down with a thump. Six happily watched it lose the fight again. “she’s not wrong, honestly, you did lose weight.”

“and i’m gonna put it back on eventually.” Six dropped their head onto Kat’s shoulder. “it was a moment of weakness.”

Saffron snorted as she finally let King off the floor. “that’s one way to phrase relapse. don’t think i didn’t notice the new scars, i know something happened.” King escaped to the kitchen.

Six waved a hand lazily, studs on their cuff glinting under the gold of the evening sunlight. “three guesses as to what caused it.”

they had decided to take what happened in stride, as much as they could. they couldn’t do anything about what had happened, it was the past, all they could do was try and move forward. if moving forward meant adopting the most blasé attitude they could and acting as normal as possible, that’s what they would do. they had cried, they had relapsed, they had broken apart. they had cleaned themself up and been put back together. they just had to move on, and deal with the consequences as they arrived, whether that was flashbacks or fear or needing to take control.

Saffron eyed the cuff with a groan. “that cunt again?”

Six nodded and picked up one of the bottles of cider, taking the bottle opener from King’s hand with a thankful kiss to its wrist as it returned. “that cunt again. great way to refer to him, i’m gonna keep that. what’s happening with your mum’s fifth marriage, though?”

“mate.” they tossed the bottle opener to Saffron as she picked up her own bottle. “i feel bad for the guy, he genuinely likes her somehow but it’s not gonna last much longer.”

“what’s her angle this time?”

“wish i could tell you but i don’t even know, she shouldn’t be allowed to get married anymore. i’m pretty sure she’s gonna cheat on him if she hasn’t already.”

Six settled in to hear the latest of the Harmony Evans trainwreck marriage saga and prepared themself for what was to come.

the evening air was comfortably warm on the balcony as the sun set. King had forced them to put on the year six disco playlist they had never gotten round to deleting. the sky was tinted orange, fading into pink. the second bottle of cider was cold and partially empty in their hand. Saffron was trying to remember the dance to 5, 6, 7, 8 in the limited standing room. Leo was misleading her by calling out the wrong move at the wrong time, spread out in front of the chairs. King was breathless with laughter on Six’s left as Kat repeatedly tried to correct Saffron on their right. it felt so painfully alright that Six couldn’t quite remember how to feel about it.

“i think i’m ready to tell you what happened.” they said, staring resolutely out over the balcony railing.

Saffron stilled her near-perfected routine and leant against the railing. King began to compose itself and Leo curled his fingers loosely around their ankle in you can do this, we’re here for you. Kat watched them and slid one of her many bracelets over their wrist, alternating beads of rose quartz and lapis lazuli settling against the base of their hand. unconditional love and friendship, according to her old explanations. they smiled weakly, and began to explain. they ran through the basis, the beginning of it all, with minimal interruption. how it felt being isolated, no matter how unintentional it was, and how they ended up thinking things so often that they became facts. how it led to them seeking a connection in that cunt when it felt like no one else was around. how had they actually really liked him, for a while, and despite their gradual sinking they could almost ignore it despite being aware of exactly what they were doing. eventually, their timeline ran up to fifteen days ago, when it all came crashing down, and they stopped talking.

“need us to take over, doll?” King’s question was careful.

Six shook their head. “i need to do it myself. i need to.”

it nodded and laced their fingers together. they had to say it themself. even after living through it, after explaining it once before, it still didn’t quite feel real. their cider was half empty and they stared at the pink sky.

“we had an argument. about whether King and Leo are good partners, and how he would treat me better. and he started shouting at me when i didn’t agree with him, and he grabbed my wrist to make me look at his name and said i was his. and i’m not his, i never was, but he didn’t like that. and he said he deserved better, and i agreed ‘cause i was doing really, really bad and at the time i thought he was right. if i didn’t agree i think it might have gone different. if i just- didn’t agree to hang out with him that day. didn’t agree to go back to his house. didn’t agree that he deserved better than what i was giving him. maybe it wouldn’t have happened.” Six’s breath hitched with a sob. maybe it would never get easier to say. “so i tried to leave, ‘cause i figured that was it, y’know? that we were done. but it wasn’t. then he grabbed me again, and said to give him better. and i tried saying no when i figured out what he meant, but he didn’t listen. his name was so fucking red. i kept trying to say no and he just didn’t listen. so i let it happen, and i just disappeared and didn’t come back until it was over. i don’t remember most of what actually happened.”

Six’s cheeks were wet as Kat leant over to wrap them in a sideways hug. they could see the tears in her eyes, too. she had always been a sympathetic crier. they looked at Saffron and took in her scowl, the tight grip she had around the neck of her cider bottle, and watched her expression soften as they made an approximation of eye contact. neither of them had ever been much for eye contact. they drained the last of their cider.

“i think he raped me.” they said, and choked on laughter that sounded hysterical even to their own ears as they looked at their lap. “and that sounds so stupid to say right now because this is the fucking vengabus song that’s just started playing but i think that’s what happened. i just- maybe i should’ve tried harder to say no. and it wouldn’t have happened. but i didn’t say yes either. and he’s been messaging me but i’ve ignored it all, and the fucking- the fucking vengabus is coming.”

their hysterical laughter seemed catching as Kat burst into wet giggles against their shoulder, which of course led Leo to start too. Saffron stared at them in a rare moment of gentleness.

“Six, it wasn’t your fault.” they looked back up at her. “there was a lot of what you ‘maybe should’ve done’ in that explanation. it wasn’t your fault. you didn’t say yes, and that should’ve been enough to make him stop, but it wasn’t. it was rape and it was not your fucking fault.”

“but i didn’t say no.”

“but you tried to leave, and you tried to say no. and it’s not your fault he didn’t listen. you didn’t say yes, and that should’ve been enough, but it wasn’t and that’s his fault, not yours.” she stared unflinchingly at them until the ridiculousness of the situation seemed to get to her too and she cracked a smile. “you’re right, the vengabus makes this a lot harder to stay serious.”

“the vengabus is coming,” Leo mumbled from the floor, and set off another round of wild giggles.

Six detangled their hand and pawed at King’s arm for their fags until it handed them over and lit one. “i think it’ll take a while for me to believe it wasn’t my fault.”

Saffron shrugged and blew a stream of strawberry vapour into the air. “that’s okay. we’ll keep reminding you. and don’t even look at that cunt’s texts without us.”

Kat lifted her head from their shoulder and wiped her eyes. “is there anything you need us to do to help?”

“no touching my wrists.” they said, assertively this time. “i think i need more control, too. i didn’t have any then, over what he was doing or myself. not quite sure how that’ll work though.”

“we’ll figure it out with you, ducky.” Kat smiled.

“d’you think the sky’s more cherry blossom or orchid tonight?” Leo asked no one in particular.

Saffron looked over her shoulder. “neither, fuckface, that’s obviously coral.”

“i think it’s fuchsia.” King said.

“you and your fucking fuchsia, what’s your problem, mate?”

Kat shared a glance with Six that led to them bursting into synchronised laughter.

“you okay, ducky?” she asked.

they thought about it.

“no,” they answered honestly. “but i think i will be.”

her bracelets clicked against the one she gave them as they linked hands, and they listened to their rather silly partners argue over shades of pink again.

the days slipped by under the july sun and Six began to feel less off-kilter. their partners returned to their own home, though the toothbrushes stayed in the cup on the bathroom counter and some of their clothes were left behind. their cuts had scarred over, pale and textured. their shower still got frequent use, particularly when they woke up in a cold sweat in the dim hours of the night from another nightmare and sat under the spray until the memory washed away and they could return to bed with their valentine bunny held tight (Lovey, they had finally named it). their bottle of vodka had vanished from the kitchen, and they couldn’t find their razor on an especially bad night. they had called Leo to ask and tried to argue about it, tried to beg him for the location, but he had refused to tell them. they had been desperate, curled up under the too-hot shower, but he didn’t give in. they had messaged him the next day to apologise, and to thank him for not telling them (because if he had, Six didn’t think they would see him the same way). they felt better, overall. their soul felt less shattered, their body felt more whole. more like theirs, after the fuzzy feeling of being untethered finally faded completely. they got a pay raise, they weren’t sure why but they wouldn’t turn it down. they had developed more freckles, the seasonal ones that cropped up in the small strips of bare skin left on their body, and their permanent raccoon mask deepened under the sun. they had stripped the last residue of lakewater yellow-green from their hair alone in their bathroom to the sound of black veil brides and watched platinum blonde bounce back. you are Six.

their kids had noticed the change too. they had worked through the pain, and continued to work as it ebbed away and they grew around it. the teens had changed, grown as they tended to do, over the last few months. Lils had come early as usual, this time with bright yellow yarn braided into her hair. she brought Diana in tow, now far more confident in herself with grown out hair and her soulmate. Lucas towered over all of them, awkward in his latest growth spurt and sporting a fresh ear piercing. Clara had changed her hairstyle to boho braids, still keeping the bright shade of purple, though this time she pointed out the many differing shades as she gleefully twirled to show them off. Max and Steph were still calm, though Steph was delighted to share the latest gossip from the end of gcse year and the stress that came with it. Six did not miss their own experience with the exams in the slightest. Cass was polite as ever, happy to share the news of her baby brother’s arrival and show them photos before they began class. Six updated the playlist with any new requests and took off songs the teens had phased out of liking.

“you seem happier now.” Lils had said bluntly. “like you had some huge, shitty weight on you like exam stress and now it’s gone. also is that your natural hair colour?” sound of the underground, one of Clara’s favourites, was playing as their dance break began.

Six hummed as they refilled her water bottle for her. “you’re not wrong. i don’t have exams, i’m 22, but there was something and now it’s gone. or it will be soon. and yes it is, i’m between dyeing phases right now.”

“was it your soulmate?” Diana asked, intuitive as she leant against the wall. she wasn’t one to dance much, but she appreciated the chance to stretch her legs.

Six inhaled sharply. “it was. i haven’t gotten round to cutting him off yet.”

“aren’t soulmates meant to be for life though?” Lucas asked.

“you can’t just say that,” Steph was aghast. “especially when it’s clearly a bad topic. sorry, Six.”

they waved her off. “it’s alright, but thanks. Steph’s right though, it is a bad topic. but you’re also right, they’re meant to be for life. however, we’re not compatible. he did something really fucking awful, so i won’t be talking about him anymore.”

their teens all nodded seriously, as seriously as they could to girls aloud. Six was glad they had such good kids.

Clara stumbled over, dizzy from her spinning dance, and Six caught her. “does that mean you want us to not talk about our soulmates?” she was so sincere even as she wobbled in place.

“no,” they laughed. “you can talk about yours all you like, and i’m still happy to answer any questions or help as much as i can with your drama and problems. it’s just him that’s the problem.”

she thought it over and nodded, then span away to dance with Lils as an abba song began. Six let their dance break go on for longer than usual, happy to let them celebrate what was probably the worst time of their lives finally being over and finish their half-formed creations in the next session. they found it fascinating, in a way, how these six kids could still be kids, how they were all so happy and their biggest issues were exams and if they hated the seating plan in biology. that was how it was supposed to be. they weren’t meant to have shitty parents, or spiral downwards so often that being down became a home. Six had made their peace with the fact that their childhood left a lot to be desired, and that it wasn’t supposed to be the way it was. they were content with watching these kids grow up happy, and would help them stay that way as much as they could.

“Di, how do you dance to this?” Max asked as planetary (GO!) began to play.

she shrugged, though Six could see just how happy the nickname made her. “i dunno, you just do.”

Max turned to Six pleadingly. “you were an emo, once. help us!”

Six pushed themself from their desk with a laugh as they cheered. Six didn’t often join in their dance breaks, but they were willing to try. “it’s not that hard, Max. you shout if you know the words, which i know you all do,” they stretched their arms out. “then you find the beat and you gotta kind of headbang,” they demonstrated, and watched the teens join in. “and you jump around, and you let your arms do whatever they want.”

Six felt like they were back in their childhood bedroom again, platinum blonde curls bouncing wildly as they lost themself in the music and the movement, black jorts and cropped vintage tank an updated version of their old look. though this time, they were free, and they weren’t alone in their joy.

Six waved their children away, each with a new sparkly sticker or two, breathless from the dancing that didn’t end until the session did. their hair was a mess as they tidied away the forgotten tools and carefully moved the abandoned projects onto a labelled shelf for next time. they switched their playlist to their old shared one that they had begun adding to again after seeing the new songs they didn’t remember. the current song was somebody to love, they had always loved the way it built at the end, and began to flutter as the chorus ended. they had a kids class in 15 minutes, their only other job today, then they could leave. as they began to set out materials for the children, far easier than corralling them to get them themselves, someone knocked on the open door. they turned around from the wheels to look, hands stilling as the outro peaked, and was greeted with the sight of Stevie. Stevie, who still rocked bell bottoms and a half-open silky button up. Stevie, who had grown his hair into something fluffy and feathered that brushed his shoulders. Stevie who had grown into himself nicely. Stevie who was still rather pretty. Stevie, who they shared this playlist with. his brow furrowed before something clicked, and he broke into a wide smile.

“Six? holy shit, Six!”

they smiled back, unable to stop it. they really had liked him. “hi, Stevie. didn’t think i’d be seeing you here.”

“i didn’t think i’d see you! i was just gonna see about lessons or something, and the girl at the front desk, Susie? she said she’s new and to come back here to ask  since she doesn’t know everything yet, and here you are!” his energy was infectious and Six bounced on their toes.

“yeah, yeah she only joined like, a week ago i think after our last guy quit, so i’ve taken over a lot of the questions while she gets settled. you said you want lessons?”

“yeah. maybe just like a beginners one or a taster? do you do those here?” he came further into the room, looking around at the organised mess.

“we do! tasters are 60 quid, i would recommend that if you’ve got no experience before you commit to a full beginners course, just to save your money and see if its something you want to actually commit to since the course is just over 200 for the full 6 weeks. Susie knows how to book people in for classes and all that now, she’s just not got all the prices down yet.” Six ran through the spiel easily, far more casual than they were with parents or strangers. there was something easy about Stevie being here.

Stevie ran his fingers over one of the wheels and they came away muddied. he didn’t seem to mind. “why’s it so expensive?”

“covers the cost of materials, equipment, our time spent teaching, and the general upkeep of the space. pretty much everyone who takes classes is kinda rich, i’ve found out. you wouldn’t believe the amount of kids who ask where i ski like it’s something everyone does.”

Stevie laughed, rich and sweet like the fancy swiss chocolates he had introduced them to. “i’ll book a taster with Susie on the way out, then. how have you been? it’s been years, you just vanished at the end of second year and never came back.”

“uhh, the key points are that i avoided you cause i was embarrassed, i dropped out so i could move out of my parents house, changed my number so they could never find me, then made my own life. i’m doing alright now, still sorry about that time i threw up in your bed though. how have you been?” Six grinned as they did a tiny dance to tainted love that Stevie matched, reminiscent of late nights in his bedroom under neon strip lights.

“i told you it was okay, no hard feelings about that or the breakup. i threw those sheets out, though.” he smiled. “i graduated, top of the class,” he bowed as Six jokingly applauded. “i’ve got a job at a magazine, i feel like i’m in devil wears prada, but i’m hoping that it’ll get me connections to start my own brand eventually.”

“i remember your designs, they were gorgeous.” Six stated honestly. “i bet you’ll get there.” the first of their children began to filter in with their parents, 7-9 year olds with unlimited energy. “i’ve got a class starting soon, as you can see.”

Stevie held his hands up in a mock-apology. “i won’t keep you any longer. do you just teach kids?”

“kids and teens, who are just big kids really. sometimes i drop in on wine nights and do solo sessions, though.”

“no chance of me seeing you, then?” Stevie asked.

“not unless you come for a wine night. i’ll give you my new number though, i did kinda miss you.” they smiled.

Stevie held out his phone. “only kinda?”

Six shushed him with a laugh and ushered him out past the wave of children with a smile and their number in his phone. as soon as he was gone, the children clamoured about who Teacher Six’s pretty boyfriend was. they laughed at the assumption and settled them as they flipped the chalkboard of rules over before any of the children could ask what rule nine meant.

“what song do we want to start with today?” they asked.

“apt!” was the resounding answer, of course. kids loved apt. Six could see the appeal, it was a fun song.

“was that your boyfriend, Teacher Six?” Daisy asked.

“just an old friend,” they said cheerfully as rosé’s voice began to ring out. “now, who’s ready to learn?”

when Six got home that night, the first thing they did after greeting their cats was message their friends.

ducky: youll never fuckign guess who i met today

leopleurodon: who???

ducky: stevie

saffy: who??

saffy: WAJT

saffy: vomit sex stevie??

kitkat: stevie your ex stevie?

ducky: yes

ducky: [reply] he said he wasjt mad abt that

leopleurodon: where did that happen – king

ducky: at work

ducky: he cam ein looking for lessons

ducky: cause susie our desk girl is new im taking questions about prices

ducky: so we ended up talkign

bitch: was he nice

bitch: saffron change my name back

bitch: when did you even change that???

saffy: when you werent’ looking

ducky: [reply] he was!! i gave him my number

ducky: cause i changed it when i left uni

bitch: [reply] CHANGE IT BACK

[saffy changed a username]

loser: thank you

loser: HEY

saffy: hahaaaaaa

kitkat: [reply] awwwww our ducky’s making new friends

ducky: is it new if i arleady knew him tho

leopleurodon: don’t think so

leopleurodon: i think that’s reconnecting

loser: SAFFRON CHANGE NY NAEM

Six watched the chat descend into chaos and got up to feed their cats. they chirruped, birdsong light, as they slid across the tiles in their socks to tragedy. they had returned to their shared playlist, heart bursting with joy as they chirped and squealed. it had been so long since they had felt this happy, since they had truly felt like Six, and they would cling to it with all their strength.

Chapter Text

july 10^th

kitty cat: are you free today ^-^

ducky: uhhhhh

ducky: workign until 3

ducky: why

kitty cat: there’s a drive in cinema set up near here

kitty cat: they’re doing 10 things i hate about you this evening

kitty cat: wanna come w me?

ducky: [image attached]

ducky: YESYESYESYESYEYSEYS

kitty cat: [gif attached]

kitty cat: i’ll pick you up after work

ducky: nono

ducky: i gotta change first

ducky: come over afte rwork then we can go

kitty cat: kaykay ^-^

july 11^th

baby #2: @baby#1

baby wrangler: @baby#1

baby #2: @baby#1

baby #1: yes hello what

baby #2: [image attached]

baby #1: …….

baby #1: did yuo really make a whole fancy ivnitation just to send a photo??

baby #2: yes :D

baby wrangler: he was at it for hours

baby wrangler: whats your answer

baby #2: pls match energy

baby #1: [image attached] yes i’ll come out wtith you tonight

baby #1: where are we goign

baby wrangler: can it be a surprise (you can say no)

baby #1: what type of place

baby wrangler: casual outside

baby #2: its very fun we promise

baby #1: okay :]

baby #1: see you tontghit

july 13^th

???: heyy

???: stevie btw

six: hi!!

stevie: do you wanna meet up for a coffee soon

stevie: i feel like we’ve got so much to catch up on

sixx: omg yeah

sixx: you need to tell me all abt your fancy new job

stevie: does tmrw work for you?

sixx: no i’m working all day :(

sixx: but i’m at the wine night in the evening, not as a teacher

sixx: i can get you in for free

stevie: i’ll be there!

july 15^th

saff: wanna come to a concert with me on the 19^th

star: kpop one?

saff: yah stray kids

saff: i know its not your scene really

star: i thought one of uyor other friend s was going with yu

saff: lana was meant to come but she broke her leg

star: i’ll come

star: stray kids has changbin right

saff: yes!!!

saff: i’ll come over the night before to help with your outfit

saff: and then we can go together next day

star: sounds good

july 16^th

doll: can you come over

doll: bad nightmare

king <3: omw

king <3: need anything else

doll: just you

july 17^th

king <3: feeling better today

doll: mhm

doll: at work rn though

doll: children are exhausting

king <3: want me to come over later or no

doll: i’ll be okay

doll: ty for coming over

doll: even tho it was past midngiht

king <3: whenever you need me to

july 18^th

saff: i’ll be over around 9

saff: managed to beg off closing

saff: primarks a fucking nightmare

star: kaykay

star: [reply] i don’t envy you

saff: lucky bastard

leo <3: are u busy today

lovely: mhm

lovely: [image attached] helping rosie build new furniture

lovely: then saffron in the evening bc we’re seeing stray kids tomrrorw

leo <3: that’s okay!!

leo <3: have fun <3

july 20^th

saff: [4 images attached]

saff: [1 video attached]

saff: trade off

star: [6 images attached]

star: [2 videos attached}

star: wait

star: [2 images attached] almost forgot our selfies

saff: ty!!

saff: did you have fun

star: mhm

star: [image attached] i put my little freebie cards on my shelf

saff: cute!!

rosie: how’s Junie doing??

rosie: i know i keep asking but its my first time being away from her

sixie: dw about it ofc youre gnna worry

sixie: [3 images attached]

sixie: she cried a bit after you left but sesame street distracted her

sixie: were waiting for our nuggets now

rosie: tysm for doing this

sixie: its chill, you deserve to have fun

sixie: go back to your spa night

sixie: ill update you as we go if that helps

rosie: it does

rosie: tysm

sixie: go have fun

july 23^rd

leopleurodon: lizarddddddddddddddd demands friends

leopleurodon: [image attached] look how lonely he is

loserman: [image attached] loserboy is lonely too

saffari: you dick did you change my name

loserman: yes.

saffari: you absolute wankstain

saffari: @kitkat @duckling

kitkat: are we going to build a bear again??

duckling: i think so

duckling: this weekend?

[3 people liked this message]

duckling: yuo can all stay over again

duckling: gonna finally open that cunts messages

lovely: psssst

leo <3: why are we whispering

lovely: come over the night before we go build a bear

lovely: i have a Plan

leo <3: a Plan??

lovely: [image attached] a Plan

leo <3: hehehe

lovely: hehehe

june 16^th

him: didn’t expect to not see you when i woke up

him: thought you would’ve stayed over

him: guess you had work

june 17^th

him: did you have a good time at least

him: i know i did ;)

him: we can do it again sometime

him: just say the word

june 18^th

him: hey

him: i wanna see you again

him: when are you free?

june 20^th

him: are you ignoring me??

him: was it that bad for you??

him: if you’d said something to me i would’ve done better

him: but this is just childish

june 21^st

him: seriously??

him: i fuck you one time and you decide it wasn’t good enough so you ghost me??

him: how immature can you be

him: i bet you’ve gone crawling back to those partners that don’t even want you

him: you’re so childish

him: like you won’t even tell me to my face what the problem is

him: running away from what you caused just like you ran away from your parents

him: real nice, six. real nice

june 22^nd

him: i’m sick of this honestly

him: i know you work at the library

him: i’m gonna find you

him: they said you haven’t worked there in fucking ages

him: did you lie to me this whole time about where you worked

him: what else have you fucking lied about

him: i did literally everything you fucking wanted

him: i backed off on dates cause you said you don’t do that

him: i was nice

him: i was friendly

him: i stopped pressing about that stupid fucking cuff you wear to hide that youre mine

him: i asked you for one fucking thing and now you’ve vanished

him: just because i fucked you

july 26^th – you have blocked this contact

july 26^th

stevie: so that’s why you threw up in my bed??

sixx: top 10 worst wasy to find out youre sex averse

sixx: i dont think ill ever not feel bad abt it

stevie: its kinda funny now

sixx: glad you think so

sixx: my other friends think so too

stevie: aww you said other friends

stevie: that means we’re friends :D

sixx: well yeah

sixx: ngl i think if we never dated we’d always have been friends

sixx: even after i vanished from uni

stevie: awwwww

stevie: oh btw i found out i’m aro too

stevie: not ace, just aro

stevie: which kinda explains why our relationship didn’t work

sixx: aww were twins

sixx: ngl i thought it was all an issue on my end

sixx: good to know were both just not built for it

stevie: aro twins!

sixx: aro twins!

“see i know you just blocked that cunt for me, but i feel like he’s still gonna find a way to talk to me.”

“so what do you wanna do?”

“i think i need to make it official that we’re done.”

“can we murder him, ducky?”

“legally, no. but if i go meet up with him somewhere then at least one of you can come with me to make sure he gets the message.”

“well, whenever you’re ready, lets make it official.”