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He never knows, that wind could be this cold. So inviting, so alluring. This is so dark up here, and when he's blinking, he could see a light from distance flickering faintly.
The winds so cold, but the words on his brain felt like a hot dagger plunged in his chest. Burning his heart, set it on fire, and his body mistook it as danger. Telling him that he should stay away, that he should run away.
But he's already here, up so high above the ground. He could die if he fall. Probably. What are chance people survive from 6th storey building? Could he survive at all?
'i would killed myself if I were him!"
Oh, really. He's been thinking about that lately. It's not like he's not thinking about it before, he did. Since long time ago, he sees psychiatrist because he's not an egoist to his mom at least.
She would be sad.
He thought. She gives birth to him, putting her own life on the table, trading her own life in the hands of the doctors.
But,
"He is stupid!"
"He signed his own death contract. Might as well buy his own tombstone"
"I'm agree, I would killed myself if I were him."
It's a bit too much lately he started to feel numb.
The whispers on his head comes more often than usual, it gives him nausea some times, and cold some other times. He caught flus rather easily lately, and his head felt like drowning. When he goes to bed, he would cry silently, trying his hard for no one would know, when it's only him in the house and Stormy, his dog. When he woke up, his body would be in so much pain and, his dog will look at him sympathetically. Like he knows what he feel. On the week days, he would had a at least 4 cup of coffees, on the weekends, when weekdays goes so bad it's his alcohol filling his system. Sometimes with Diazepam. He felt bad to ignored his dog, maybe his dad was right, he's useless.
But he has promised Stormy that he would take him to walk in a park tomorrow, and he never lied to his dog.
When he went to bed, Eduardo would think of other things that's yet happening, or pretending that he has better memories in Harvard. With his best friends, like Dustin, like Chris, or even Mark. Like Mark!
I'm his dream, they're still friends, or something more.
He hate himself, for even think about it, because I would killed myself if I were him are synonymous with Mark. With Facebook. With Mark!
And Eduardo tired of listening to it on his every waking hours, on a bad day, it even comes to find him in his sleep. But he has promised his dog a walk in the park tomorrow.
Your father must be hated you so much! He must be regretted of having you as his son.
He regretted himself for lot of things, for being so stupid, so weak, so fragile, so damn in love with Mark to notice everything. He's such an idiot. Maybe, if he's not stupid enough, or there's a little consciousness in him, there would be no diluted shares, broken laptop, and deposition.
On top of it all, maybe there would be no separation.
Of him with his friends, who of course chooses Mark over him.
Of him with his mom, because his father was too disappointed to talk to him or letting his wife to even said hi and, this been two years since they last talked to each other. His mae doesn't replied to any of his messages, most likely because his father said so.
If he had been a little smarter, everything would be in track, right?
It's cold up in the building. And the wind are so alluring and inviting. It's calling him to dive in, to swim in it, to embraces the darkness, to breathe in the coldness that would united them into one thing called despair. He felt it already in his chest, probably if you ripped open his body, right where the heart belong, instead of blood you would find an empty air.
But he has promised his dog that he would take him to walk in a park and, he always keep his promises.
****
It's already let in the night, Paula can't sleep. It something, something here friends said as mother instinct. Suddenly she wanted to calls her Filho, to hear his voices. It's already late in the night, and Hernando has been sleep for quite some times. He won't wake up, not at least unti tomorrow morning when the effects of his sleeping pill wears off.
She misses Eduardo.
The kind of longing, where it left you breathless. They have been stop talking since two years ago, and no mothers can handle that. It's often her fears of Hernando to findjng out win over her longing, her needs to call her filho.
She wonder if Eduardo misses her too.
Maybe if she call now he won't find out. Maybe she can arrange meeting with Eduardo, it's going to be his birthday within two weeks. She wonder, if he still like her blueberry pie like he used to when he was a kid.
When she get up from bed it's raining outside. She stood before the French window, the garden outside she order so much was cover with water. The garden where she used to planted flowers and vegetables with Eduardo. The flowers are decaying, it's still died however much she tried to keep it alive.
She punches the number she remember waiting for the line to connect.
It didn't.
She tried several times, forgot about the time difference, or maybe she just want to ignore the fact that this is the first time Eduardo did not picking up her calls. He ignored his brothers calls, his girlfriend from the high school, But Eduardo she knew, never ignore hers.
She wanted to think maybe it's because he is so angry, that it's his revenge for her always ignore order every time he calls she refused to think about the otherwise. But her guts tell different story.
She began to tremble, without actually knowing why. Eduardo maybe was at work right now, on a meeting with important clients that can't be disturb. She want to stay that way.
Yet she can't.
Letter on, there is a call from his son's number which totally sounds different than his son's voices coming from the opposite lines. It's the kind of voice you would won't to hear, the heavy, regretful voice that makes her sick to her stomach.
And she did the only form of reactions she could found. It doesn't wakes Hernando up instantly, it's the roaring thunder that muffled her painful cries, her continuous scream of agony. Her husband run to her, looking furious. His hands holding a gun, while his feet's are wobbly. He maybe suspecting a robber inside their house.
She looks at him, "Eduardo..." She said, lips trembling. Her whole body shaking, while the ear-splitting thunder still screaming. Her chest tightened, it's hard for her to reach the air. She sobbed, her hands clutching her own chest, she hitted it hard for her to feel something other than the breathless. Maybe if she hit hard enough it could make her breath right.
It's occured to him, and he knows now, that it's not a thing, there's no single thing or money they lost.
It's their filho.
****
The wind is cold, and he has already dives in. His head pounding, thinking what would become of him.
He's useless, now that he can't keep his promises to Stormy,nafter fail to kept his toward his parents.
When he look up to the sky, it's dark. It's a little foggy, he wonder to himself if it's really just a fogs or his own tears.
He has broke his promised to his dog, but he is about to be free. He should be happy. Stormy didn't need a bad owner, friends like him.
Eduardo counted every second, and it's feel like forever for him to touch the ground. It's almost like a countdown to his own death. It's like he's signing his own death for the second time just without the paper and lawyer, and this one, would the actual death he's volunteer in. It makes him suffocated without even a tie on his neck, comparing this one with what he had with Mark. It's makes him hard to breath, but yet he doesn't need to within seconds anyway. He tried not to be bothered by it. Eduardo closed his eyes, secretly counting every windows he passes, before he actually landing. It just one more floor left, and with that, he take a deep breath.
He could felt his body landed, it made a contact with hard surfaces. It honks and the alarms started to ringing, cuts the silence of the night. He hits a car's roof, probably his own.
He thought he's gonna die instantly, right after his head collide with the ground.
Oh he was totally wrong. How foolish of him.
He read somewhere, that few minutes before someone died, all the memories would comes over them as final goodbye. To Eduardo, it's feel like a giant fuck you as well as blessing.
Because now, everything comes like a flood.
The happy moments with his Mae, from when he used to help her decorating, planting on the garden they own together.
With Alex when they're stepped out of the broken Ferrari because he's so young and dumb driver.
Even with his Dad, when he said he's proud of him from winning the chess match, from making a good choice on oil betting.
With Steve, his other brother, when they used to be a silly, naughty teenagers.
With Dustin, and Chris, and Mark. Especially Mark. He missed their movie night, their games night, the birthday parties they spent together with cheap brownies they got from the old bakery.
It's from his old memories, the last thing he remember was Stormy. He don't want to leave his dog. Stormy always there when he was in his broken state. He's always there to calm him when the nightmares comes.
He want to keep his promise to take his dog a walk in the park.
He also recall the comments about him as well, maybe they're right.
He's curious if all people would experience this too, and what will comes to their mind when it's happen.
His chest tightened, it's gives him hard time to breath. The world around him shutted down for a long time already, he began to ask himself, maybe he has already died and left there alone. He's always left behind, this is gonna his turn.
As Eduardo begin to lost his consciousness, he could felt his tears rolling down his face. So does with the warmth that gradually left his body. His lips trembling, hard to say the words he himself had no idea what it was.
He closed his eyes, let himself sinking to the darkness. He could felt drop after drop of rain washes his tears.
It's just started raining.