Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dr Jiminy: Hello, all my crickets. Today we have two very special guests. Mulan..... and SHANG!

*Mulan and Shang enter from behind the curtains and take a seat on the couch*

Dr Jiminy *shakes their hands* How ya doing Shang? Mulan. Lovely to see you again. Now it's come to my understanding that you want to do a DNA test on your children, Li Shang Jr and Lonnie?

Shang: That's right.

Mulan *nods*

Dr Jiminy: May I ask why that is? You both seem rather calm about this considering most people only come for DNA tests when the topic of cheating is involved.

Mulan: Oh no, we're not here because he thinks I cheated.

Shang: Which, for the record , I don't believe.

Dr Jiminy: oh?

Mulan: Yeah, we're actually here because we want to shut down the rumors and weirdness around people not believing that Shang is Lonnie's father.

Dr Jiminy: O-oh. *mutters*  Well, that's a new one. *speaks up* Well, I have the results right here in this envelope. Are you ready?

Shang *grumbles* as ready as I'll ever be.

Mulan: More ready than I have ever been for anything else in my entire life.

*Three pictures pop up—one of Li Shang in the middle of teaching one of his students, one of Lonnie smiling in a pair of pumpkin pjs in the kitchen and one of Li Shang Jr’s “Li’l Shang” show fliers*

Dr Jiminy *opens the envelope * In the case of a 16 year old, Li Lonnie and Li Shang Jr, Shang.... you… ARE THE FATHER!

Shang: I KNEW IT!

Crowd: OOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!

Mulan: WE TOLD YOU SO!

Crowd *going wild, some looking sheepish as the camera zooms in on them*

Dr. Jiminy: Is it true that you and Yao's daughters, Yi-Min and Wenhua, were actually born out of an affair?

Princess Mei *starts crying because they had infertility issues and she thought everyone knew that*

Crowd: ooo-

Yao *takes off his shoe and lungs at Jiminy Cricket* why you no good son of- *the shoe flies out of his hand, hitting the camera and causing it to turn off*

Dr. Jiminy: So, Mulan. Shang.

Mulan and Shang *exchange a tired look*

Dr. Jiminy *Doesn't notice and continues* We are here today so you can answer a very important question.

Shang *Impatient* Which is?

Dr. Jiminy: Why exactly did you name your kids Li Shang Jr and Lonnie instead of some more culturally appropriate names?

Mulan *side eyeing them* We did.

Dr. Jiminy *taken aback* What?

Shang *irritated* my wife said we did. Which you would know if anyone used their proper names.

Dr. Jiminy: What do you mean by that?

Mulan *also now irritated* Our children are named Shaiming and Lan-Lei. Not Li Shang Jr or Lonnie. That's just what their classmates and teachers call them because some of them couldn’t be bothered to learn how to pronounce their names.

Dr. Jiminy: Oh..

Shang *getting up* We're leaving now.

Dr. Jiminy: Wait. What— don't go —

Shang and Mulan *leave anyway*

Dr. Jiminy: What do you three have to say about the allegations against you?

Ling: What allegations? 

Dr. Jiminy: The allegations that you three are a little too close to Mulan?

Yao *snorts*

Chien-po, waving Dr. Jiminy off: Oh that’s easy. Those who crossdress together, stick together. Everyone knows that. 

Dr. Jiminy *sputters*

Yao: Can we leave now?

Dr. Jiminy: Don’t you think you’re a little old for this phase?

Li’l Shang: You’re just jealous that my music career isn’t flopping like yours.

Audience: Ooooooooo!

Random Audience Member: BURN!

Dr. Jiminy: My music career did NOT flop—

Li’l Shang: Tell that to your ratings. 

Dr. Jiminy: So Ling, Ting-Ting. What do you have to say about the rumors? The ones that say your daughter, Tyra, is…violent?

Ting-Ting *snorts* 

Ling *amused as he hugs his wife* Oh, you know. Girls will be girls. 

Dr. Jiminy *deadpanned* You can’t be serious.

Ling: Doc, she’s ten. 

Ting-Ting: It’s nothing serious. 

Dr. Jiminy: She gave a girl a concussion!

Ting-Ting: That was a misunderstanding. They were playing. Everyone blew it out of proportion. 

Dr. Jiminy: So Chao. Do your parents know you’ve been skipping school?

Chao: DUDE.

Su: You’ve been what?

Chien-po: Tell me you're joking. 

Chao: It was only gym!

Chien-po *sighing* Ling.

Su: Exercise is important, young lady. 

Chao: I have choir practice right after! I don’t like being all sweaty and gross when singing!

Dr. Jiminy: Well, unfortunately for you the school noticed. 

Chao: Probably because those stupid reporters snitched. 

Chien-po: Chao!

Narrator: Next time on Dr. Jimny, we will be finding out whether the rumors about Pinocchio and Alice's children are true—

*Photo of 13 year old Ally, 12 year old Pin, 7 year old Amelia, and the 5 year old twins, Fabian and Karina, flashes on screen*

—Whether or not Romeo 'Lampwick' Rossi, husband of Chief Tiger Lily, can be jealous and controlling—

*Audio-less video of Lampwick punching a guy flashes on screen*

—and whether or not Queen Eilonwy Bluefairy of Llyr is cheating on her husband, Alexander Bluefairy, with Coach Reese Jenkins and her royal guard, Taran.

*Three separate photos of Queen Eilonwy with each of the aforementioned men flash on screen*

But until next time, this has been, Dr. Jiminy!

*Music starts playing* Guess who's back, guess who's back, Jiminy's back! Hey! *screen goes black*

Chapter Text

*The camera cuts on to reveal Mr. and Mrs. Collodi-Rossi-Liddell sitting on the couch across from Dr. Jiminy’s chair. There is a picture of a bearded Pinocchio on the screen that is clearly being compared to the one of the Collodi-Rossi-Liddell Children right next to it: Ally is blonde with blue eyes that have a red glint to them, Pin has black hair and brown eyes as well as glasses, Amelia has brown hair and blues as well as freckles, and the twins have red hair, freckles, and brown eyes. They both have birthmarks on their cheeks* 

Dr. Jiminy: So, Pinocchio, did you know Allison, Fabian, and Karina aren’t your children—

*shocked gasping from the crowd* 

Pinocchio *raises eyebrow* Who starts a conversation like that?

Alice *giving Jiminy the 'are you kidding me look'* 

Lampwick *from the crowd* Yes, he knew! We all knew! You knew!

Dr. Jiminy *flustered* SECURITY!

Lampwick *running from security* I REGRET NOTHING, YOU OVERSIZED GRASSHOPPER! 

Dr. Jiminy: FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M A CRICKET! 

Alice *to the crowd* for the record, my oldest daughter is adopted. I didn't even marry Pinocchio until She was 6 months old— something that, as her godfather pointed out, Jiminy was aware of—and our twins were adopted three months ago!

*The screen briefly goes black*

Dr. Jiminy: The people wanna know Alice. Pinocchio. Is Pin adopted—

Alice and Pinocchio *annoyed* NO! YOU KNEW THIS ALREADY!

Dr Jiminy: So, Lampwick was it—

Lampwick: Don't act like you don't know who I am. You've known me for years!

Dr Jiminy *ignores him as he pulls up an audio-less video of Lampwick punching a guy that is clearly several years old* Is it true that you can be jealous?

Lampwick *raises a brow* Why? Are you interested Beetle?

Dr. Jiminy *Sputters* What?! Of course not!

Lampwick: Well that's what it sounds like. Sorry Beetle, you aren't my type. 

Dr Jiminy: For your information, I am a CRICKET not a beetle—

Lampwick, waving him off: Tomayto, tomahto. 

Dr Jiminy: It is not the same thing—

Tiger Lily *bored* Why are you arguing with him? You know you're only making it worse. 

Dr Jiminy: It's the principle of the matter!

Tiger Lily : Well good luck with that. I'm gonna go pick my daughters up from school and get a slushie.   

Dr Jiminy: You can't just—

Tiger Lily *leaves*

Dr. Jiminy: So. You three. 

Coach Jenkins *sitting on a couch next to Taran and Eilonwy, softly* Don't.

Dr. Jiminy *continues anyway* What do you have to say about the rumor that Eilonwy is cheating on her husband, Alexander, with you two?

Eilonwy *glaring darkly at Jiminy* 

Taran *embarrassed* It's not true. 

Coach Jenkins: Which you know and anyone with common sense should know considering I’m gay and married, and Taran is married.

Dr. Jiminy: And what does Alexander have to say, Eilonwy? Why isn't he here?

Eilonwy: Because he’s too smart to acknowledge your nonsense. 

Dr. Jiminy: And what does that say about your intelligence considering you’re here?

Eilonwy *lunges*

*Camera cuts to the technical difficulties screen*

Chapter Text

Dr Jiminy: Queen Leah, is it true that upon seeing your 18 year old granddaughter's ex's proposal to his new girlfriend, you said and I quote "A lifetime of plans. Gone. Our family status, gone. Audrey, you were supposed to be his queen, and you let him slip through your fingers. Your mother could hold on to a prince in her sleep."

Queen Leah: yes but–

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO! 

Person in the crowd: YOU STINK!

Dr Jiminy: Lady Tremaine, is it true that when you found out your grandson, Anthony, was dating Harriet, you called him a moron and her a gold digging hussy?

Lady Tremaine: It is and I would do it AGAIN! 

*crowd gasps*

Harriet* runs out from behind stage* SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU BITCH! 

Dr Jiminy: Uh oh. SECURITY! 

Harriet *lunges*

Anthony *back stage, mortified and covering Dizzy's eyes* Note to self, never invite grandmother to Holiday gatherings. 

Dizzy *bluntly* Not like you planned to anyways.

Dr Jiminy: Mr Clayton. Is it true that you shot at your son six times last week?

William Clayton, rolling his eyes: He's being a baby! It was only 3!I wouldn't waste that much ammo on him in a month.  

Clay Clayton *yelling from backstage* You shot at me six times in one day, once!

William Claton, standing up: BECAUSE YOU WERE BEING ANNOYING! EVEN YOUR YOUNGER BROTHERS AREN'T THAT ANNOYING!

William's sister, Lady Waltham, busts out from behind the curtains: YOU WHAT?! I'LL KILL YOU!

William Clayton : Oh shit *bolts*  

Lady Waltham *chases him* GET BACK HERE AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT LIKE A MAN!

Dr Jiminy: Oh dear. 

Cash Clayton, age 12: Should we stop her? Could we even stop her?

Clay, age 20: GO AUNT MANDY! GO! KICK HIS ASS!

Wilson 'Will' Clayton, age 14: I'll take that as a no… 

Chapter Text

Dr Jiminy: Now Gaston, is it true that you refuse to claim little Gemma here as your own? 

*a video of 3 year old Gemma pops up on screen*

Gaston: Yes, because she's not mine!

Crowd *boos and starts throwing stuff*

Crowd member 1: YOU SUCK! 

Crowd member 2: YOU STINK!  

Crowd member 3: YOU MAKE ME SICK!

Enchantress, Jumping up: THAT'S A LIE AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT! SHE HAS YOUR FACE! YOUR EYES! IT'S CLEAR AS DAY THAT SHE'S YOURS!

Dr Jiminy: Ma'am calm down. Now, Gaston, why do you think Gemma isn't yours?

Gaston: cause no girl could be a child of Gastons ! It's impossible! My family can only create boys!

Gaston Jr backstage: Who’s going to tell him that Gabriel isn’t his?

Gaston the third, glaring as Gabriel climbs on furniture in the background: No one.

Gaston Jr: Calm down, I was only kidding. 

*Booing gets louder, gagging can be heard. Steam is coming off of the Enchantress*

Dr Jiminy in disbelief, waves a paper in the air: Well, this DNA test will prove whether or not that's correct. Drum roll please!

*drum roll starts* 

3…

2…

1..

Dr Jiminy: Gaston.. 

*Gaston, arms crossed, looking smug*

Dr Jiminy: You ARE the father!

Crowd *starts screaming* 

Gaston *jumps up* LIES! This is RIGGED!

Dr Jiminy: Now, Gaston, I understand that you're upset but–

Gaston *starts throwing chairs and destroying furniture *

Gaston Jr *to Gaston the 3rd, behind stage and baffled* I don't even know why they're both so upset. Neither of them even take care of her.

Gaston the 3rd: They both hate to be wrong, that's why.

Gemma *in the corner, lifts big box above her head* Look Gilly! Look how strong I is!

Gil *gently takes it away* ah, this is heavy even for me! You're so strong! 

Gemma *beams proudly, puffing out her little chest*

Gaston *throws a chair against the wall, almost hitting Jr.* 

Gaston Jr *ducks* we should get out of here before he notices us.

Gaston the 3rd: Good idea. Gil! Gemma, Gabriel! Come on!

Dr. Jiminy: So why do you have thirteen kids and counting? 

Hercules *confused head tilt* Because we…wanted them?

Meg *narrowing her eyes at Dr. Jiminy*

Dr. Jiminy: Don’t you think that’s a bit… excessive ?

Meg *stands up so fast she gives the audience whiplash, hands on her hips* Excuse me—

Hercules *narrowing his eyes suddenly realizing what exactly Dr. Jiminy was getting at* All thirteen of our children are blessings. Don’t you dare imply otherwise. 

Dr. Jiminy *stammering* I wasn’t—

Meg: It seems to me that you were.

Hercules *stands up* Don’t you ever talk to me or my wife or my son or my daughter or my other son or my other daughter or—

Meg: The rest of our children ever again.

Dr Jiminy : Is it true that you gave your daughters the Cinderella treatment—

Drizella *stands up and starts yelling* No, That would be my bitch of a mother and MY children wouldn’t have had to work their childhood away if WE HADN’T BEEN SENT TO THE ISLE!

Dr Jiminy: Ma'am, calm dow-

Drizella *being held back by her husband, Hans* I AM CALM!

Narrator: Next time, on Dr. Jiminy—

Chapter Text

*Music starts playing* Guess who's back, guess who's back, Jiminy's back! Hey!

*Scenes from previous episodes start playing—the most chaotic ones*

Dr. Jiminy: So. How exactly are you two related to Lampwick again—secret siblings, secret love childs, or is this a con you’re trying to pull on the menace?

Lampwick: Hey!

Carina Rossi, Lampwick’s mom: Jiminy!

Bella Rossi, Hunter of Artemis and Lampwick’s younger sister: Why you little—

Bria Rossi, Carina’s mother: You leave them alone this instance!

Harry Badun *gives him an unimpressed look and doesn’t answer*

Jace Badun *crossing his arms* We’re cousins.

Dr. Jiminy: You look a little young to be his cousins. 

Harry Badun: And you look too old to be alive.  

Dr. Jiminy *sputters* I do NOT—

Jace Badun: He looks far older than his wife does, the cradle robber —

Harry Badun: I don’t know what she sees in him. He’s such a buzz kill.

Dr. Jiminy: How dare you—

Lampwick *starts cackling*

Dr. Jiminy *turning red* SECURITY! 

August and Valentina, Lampwick’s younger siblings who are 20 and 19: ….

James, Lampwicck’s other brother: How many episodes do you plan to make out of my family’s personal business?

Dr. Jiminy: So Carina, how did you manage to pull two gods while being a gold digger?

Carina Rossi: Excuse me?

Dr. Jiminy: Well it’s common knowledge that you were a gold digger before you had your children—

Carina Rossi: Common knowledge—

Dr. Jiminy: And yet, you managed to pull two gods—

Carina Rossi: Okay, one, my life is none of your business and that is not a good way to start a conversation. Two, Lampwick is not a demigod, he’s just a champion of Hera. And three, how I managed to ‘pull them’ as you not so eloquently put it, is also none of your business. Especially with the way you keep harassing my family—and I will be letting Pinocchio, my stepson , know about this. 

Dr. Jiminy *suddenly nervous* Wait, that isn’t necessary—

Carina Rossi: I think you’ll find it is *gets up from her seat*

Dr. Jiminy: I just meant that it was off because you know, you and the Queen of Hearts were best friends in highschool—

Carina Rossi: You’re digging your own grave. 

*Screen goes black*

Lampwick: You have to be fucking kidding me—

Dr. Jiminy: Surprise! I found your dad!

Lampwick: You mean the deadbeat who left my mom when she told him she was pregnant during Castlecoming?!

Frankie Santoro-Ruffini: Now son—

Lampwick: I’m not your son!

Dr. Jiminy: Now Romeo, don’t you think you’re being a little childish—

Lampwick: No, I am not being childish! You always do this—

Dr. Jiminy: Do what?

Lampwick: Disregard my feelings and twist it to turn it into me being a brat and an asshole even when I am completely in the right! And now you do this ? 

Frankie Santoro-Ruffini: Son, calm down—

Lampwick: I am NOT your son! You are not my father. Geppetto is my father. He’s done more for me since he married my mom than you ever have and you will never see me or my family again after this! Fuck you Frankie and double fuck you, Jiminy! I hope Quinella leaves your unvirtuous, hypocritical ass, you little—

*Camera cuts off*

*Camera shakingly cuts on to reveal Bella chasing Jiminy with paint balloons* 

Blue Veronica off camera: Auntie Bella, are you sure this is a good idea? Bella: Yes, don’t worry about it. Just keep holding the camera—DO IT NOW KIDS! Tulip and Tiger Peony along with Alice and Pinocchio’s five  kids (Ally, 15. Pin, 13 almost 14. Amelia, 9. Fabian and Karina, 7) and the rest of Lampwick’s friends’ kids) *jump into frame and bombard Jiminy with ink balloons, causing him to falls* Take that!

Little Sunflower *waddles into frame*

Dr. Jiminy: Sunflower! Help—

Little Sunflower *sprays him in the face with a water gun, giggling*

*Camera cuts on*

*Title Card appears explaining that the first half of the footage was lost* 

Dr. Jiminy *hiding under the table on set* PLEASE just LEAVE already! 

Julieanna *Tap dancing and doing jazz hands as Gideon plays the kazoo and Honest John hits the tambourine, sings* Nooooooooooo!

Dante *puts a Bad Apples and Julieanna song on blast* You can’t get rid of us now. You invited us in and now you’re stuck with us!

The Bad Apples and Julieanna on his phone: ♫♪ Honest John, they call him Honest John.

But I wouldn't trust him as far as I could—

Throw an elephant over my shoulder,

Throw a curve with a 10-ton boulder! ♫♪ 

Mateo *swinging on the chandelier* WeeeeeeEEEEEeeee! 

Dr. Jiminy: SECURITY!

Honest John: Oh they went on their lunch break ages ago.

Dr. Jiminy *starts crying* Is this hell?

Narrator: Next time, on Dr. Jiminy—

Chapter Text

Dr. Jiminy: So Bruno.

Bruno: So, Jiminy.

Dr. Jiminy: Are all ten of those kids really yours? I mean, I know the newest three are adopted but—

Bruno *immediately playing* What do you mean? Of course my children are mine. 

Dr. Jiminy: But they don’t really look like you—

Bruno: That’s because they look like their mother—

Dr. Jiminy: But they don’t really look like each other either. Now, that can be explained away with your adoptive children—

Bruno: What adoptive children? All ten of my children are my biological children. 

Dr. Jiminy *sputters* Lying is bad, you know—

Bruno: I’m not lying. They’re all my biological children and they’ve been in my life since they were born and I have pictures to prove it *pulls out a green wallet which a long line of pictures comes pouring out of* . See, look. 

*The top picture is of Cesare from when he was about five or six dressed as a choirboy at church with his long, curly black hair in his eyes and a smile on his face*

*Camera cuts to Cesare in the audience who looks startled before cutting back to Jiminy who looks baffled*

Bruno: See, that’s my oldest, Cesare. He used to be a choir boy. He’s a teacher now—

Dr. Jiminy: But no one ever saw him until he was thirteen—

Bruno *Ignores him and points to the second photo* And see that’s my second oldest, Cornel, holding the first basket he ever made. He owns his own shop now. It’s called Encanto’s Gift Baskets and it really is such a beauty. 

*The picture shows a four or five year old Cornel holding a badly made, but functioning, basket smiling a big nearly toothless grin*

The audience: Awwwwwww.

Dr. Jiminy: But why—

Bruno *talking faster now as he points to the third picture, desperate to not let Jiminy get a word in* There’s my third oldest, Cyriacus, not long after the accident that took his eyesight. Look at him. Isn’t he precious ? He’s a small-time actor but I’m sure he’ll make it big soon. 

*The photo shows a six year old Cyriacus with bandaged eyes beaming at the camera while holding a painting he’d made of Cesare on his first date before it happened*

Bruno: Then there’s a picture of my next two niños—Richard and Claudine. They’re in a band called ‘The Bad Apples’. They’ve always loved music. 

*The photo shows a four year old Rick with his black hair sticking up everywhere as he beats on pots and pans with a pair of spoons and a little two year old Claudine in a raincoat blowing into a jug. Her stuffed lamb in her lap*

Dr. Jiminy: That’s all well and good but—

Alma Madrigal: Will you stop harassing my hijo?  How can you be so shameful as to harass a poor grieving widower using his ten beautiful children who he’s raised all by himself?

Dr. Jiminy *frustrated* How do we even know he IS a widower? No one’s ever seen his wife—

Alma, raising her voice as the audience gasps: That’s because she died giving birth to his youngest, Gigi.  It’s a very sore subject. 

Dr. Jiminy: What was her name then? What did she like to do —

Alma *deadass serious despite the fact she’s lying through her teeth* Jolucidelilassandra Doethel. She was a librarian and a drama teacher at the school and she met my son when he was going on a tour with his sobrina Dolores. Her death was unexpected and tragic as she was very dear to our family. Are you satisfied now? 

The crowd: Booooooooo!

Random audience member 1: Shame on you, Dr. Jiminy!

Random audience member 2: What kind of doctor are you?!

Random audience member 3: Get off the stage!

Random audience member 4: I wanna see more of this guy’s kids! 

Random audience member 5: YOU STINK!

Dr. Jiminy *sputters and stammers* Well, I, you see—they’re manipulating you.

Alma *puts to use the acting skills her parents taught her and raises her nose, looking offended* I’m just an innocent old woman who’s just defending her hijo and his niños. What reason would we have to manipulate any of them? If anyone is manipulating the people in this audience, it is you.

*The booing gets louder before the camera turns off*

*The camera turns back on and Jiminy is nowhere to be seen. Instead, it’s just Bruno showing more and more pictures*

Bruno: This one is my middle child, Rachel. She’s a student at Auradon Prep and she’s amazing at sewing, just like prima Mirabel. She loves making things for the familia. 

*A two year old Rachel can be seen sewing in Mirabel’s lap wearing a pink bonnet*

Bruno: Then there’s my twins, Mason and Glenn. They’re pirates right now—it’s a big thing with their friends—and they’re very popular. I can hardly believe it!

*The photo showed  a pair of one year olds—one wearing a flower pot on his head as he played in the dirt and one wearing a fishbowl on his head as he tried  to chew on a stuffed star*

Bruno: And second to last, there’s my son Rory. He’s as shy as I am—maybe even shier! He wants to be a vet or an animal groomer when he grows up.

*The camera zooms in to reveal a baby staring at the camera. It’s tiny hand holding up a red top hat that was partially covering his face. Laughing and trying to push a pug off of him with another*

Bruno: And finally there’s my youngest, Gigi. She’s about ten months younger than Rory and she runs this newspaper on the isle now that the barrier is gone, and she has her very own Auratube Channel—

*The last photo shows a baby with black curls wearing glasses that are very clearly far too big for her, laughing as she reached for the camera*

Bruno: I love all of them so much. They’re the best things that ever happened to me and— *chokes up* and their mother would be oh so proud of them. 

*Another photo pops out, looking different from the rest. It showed a woman with tan skin and big greenish blue eyes with red and blonde hair up in a bun wearing a beautiful traditional Colombian wedding dress. She was hand in hand with a man in a suit who had Bruno’s face taped over it* Bruno *sighs, looking wishful* I only wish I looked better on our wedding day so I didn’t have to tape this photo of me on it. She looks so lovely in it.

“How the fuck did he get baby photos of the twins and Gigi? He didn’t meet them till they were teenagers. They didn’t even leave the isle until they were teenagers !” Ginny screeched, causing Diego to howl with laughter. 

“Rick says that Casita made those.”

“Casita can MAKE photos?! If that’s true then why does the last one look so bad?!”

“Because my dad is a troll and taped over the photo to drive anyone who kept pushing up the wall.” Rick snorted. “The best part is no one will believe them because no one ever questions if the house that can make fake paintings that shows the updated versions of the magic doors can also make fake baby pictures.”

Ginny stared at him for a moment. “Casita and your dad are unhinged.”

“Why thank you.”

“That wasn’t a compliment.”

“I know. But to me it is.”

“I'm starting to see where you get your gremlin energy from.” Harriet drawled from where she was sitting at the ship’s bar. 

Rick just smirked. “I learned from the best!”

Mad Maddy rolled her eyes as she came up beside him and wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her chin on her boyfriend's shoulder. "That's my little shit."

Chapter Text

*Music starts playing* Guess who's back, guess who's back, Jiminy's back! Hey!

*Scenes from previous episodes start playing—the most chaotic ones: Harriet Hook lunging at Lady Tremaine, Gaston wrecking the place, Dr. Jiminy being attacked, and more*

Narrator: Previously on Dr. Jiminy–

*Bruno is shown with a foldable wallet, pointing at pictures of various children while Alma glares at Dr. Jiminy on the couch beside him in black and white*

Narrator: —the good doctor invited the Matriarch of the Madrigal family and her prophet son on to talk about his ten children. 

And now, they've been invited back to talk about the newest development in the strange case of Bruno Madrigal’s children—as in how they seem to have multiplied once again. 

*The camera cuts to a nervous looking Dr. Jiminy as the music finally halts with A record screech*

  Bruno Madrigal, with a mischievous grin: Thanks for inviting us back, Doc. 

Dr. Jiminy *sweating* Uh, you invited yourselves back. I didn’t want you here.

Alma Madrigal: Hush, child.

Bruno Madrigal: Well, I heard you're curious about my youngest daughter—Maisey—and we figured we would come, and clear things up before you jumped to any of your wild conclusions.

Dr. Jiminy: Uh-huh. So, how did you come to adopt Miss. Maisey?

Bruno Madrigal: No, no. You misunderstand. I didn't adopt Maisey. She's my long lost daughter.

Dr. Jiminy: …say more right now.

Bruno Madrigal, dead serious: It's a very tragic story. You see, before my dear husband died—

Dr. Jiminy: YOUR WHAT?

Alma Madrigal: His husband, do keep up.

Dr. Jiminy: Last time we met you said you had a wife, not a husband!

Bruno Madrigal, sniffling: I did. She died when my second youngest, Gigi, was born, remember? I remarried four years later to my dear husband. Unfortunately fate took them both from me. 

Dr. Jiminy: …and you just…didn’t mention him at all during your last visit?

Bruno Madrigal, eyes watering now as he takes a tissue from Alma who looks close to tears herself at this point: It wasn't relevant to the conversation and it was already so stressful talking about my beautiful, smart, creative dearly departed Jolucidelilassandra. 

Dr. Jiminy *long suffering sigh* And what was your ‘dearly departed’ husband’s name?

Bruno Madrigal, looks him dead in the eye: Enriquez Robertoson.  

Dr. Jiminy: Bruh.

Alma Madrigal, standing up and swinging her purse at the good doctor: How dare you! First you disrespect my poor hijo’s deceased wife of fourteen years and now you disrespect his dead husband who he only got two years with! And after he was about to tell you how his poor youngest daughter was stolen away from him? Do you have no shame?!

Dr. Jiminy: Ma’am, look, I–

Alma Madrigal: You have to stop this! I don't know why you like breaking up families like this but it's disgraceful.

Dr. Jiminy: I’m just poking holes in a clearly flawed story!

Alma Madrigal: No you're trying to poke holes in a story you have no business even knowing and being disrespectful while looking for non-existent flaws. 

Bruno Madrigal, shaking his head as he looks at the audience with saddest eyes: Can you believe this?

The audience*start booing and throwing things Dr. at Jiminy*

Audience Member 1: BOOOO! YOU STINK!

Audience Member 2: GET OFF THE STAGE, JIMINY!

Audience Member 3 who sounds suspiciously like Lampwick: You should be ashamed of yourself! What would your mother say?

Dr. Jiminy *gesturing wildly* CAN NONE OF YOU SEE THE FLAWS IN THIS STORY?

Audience Member 1: It makes sense to me. 

Audience Member 2: All I can see is the flaws in your personality. 

Dr. Jiminy *groans and puts his head in his hands*

*A tomato flies passed Dr. Jiminy’s head and hits the camera, knocking it to the ground and turning it off*

*The camera turns back on to reveal Bruno once again showing his kids’ baby pictures, now with Maisey included, as Alma continues to yell at Dr. Jiminy in the background while his wife tries to step in*

Bruno Madrigal: And this is Cesare at fútbol practice when he was fifteen—

Alma Madrigal: ¡Estúpido insecto! ¿Cómo te atreves a insultar así a mi familia? ¿Dónde está tu manager?

Bruno Madrigal, ignoring what is happening: And this is Maisey after we got her back. That’s her pet chicken, Biscuit, and her pet chameleon, Leapy—they help with her anxiety. She’s eight years old and she has superspeed, which she just loves. She’s adorable, isn’t she? Just like her fathers—

Dr. Jiminy: Hey now, is calling my manager really necessary—

Alma Madrigal: MANAGER!

Bruno Madrigal: And this is a picture of Maisey when she was just born, her father took that one. This was around the time we got together. Isn't she cute? *The picture shows a picture of a tan, clearly freckled baby with tuffs of black and golden blonde hair in a ratty pink blanket and a bow on her head*

*Camera cuts off*

*Camera cuts back on but is no longer on the set of the show, instead it’s peeking through a door where Dr. Jiminy Cricket can be seen sitting at his desk. His hands clasped in front of him as a tinker fairy with long blonde hair, the good doctor’s wife—Quinnella Cricket—, as his wife yells at him gesturing to the flat screen that has a 1 star review of his show on it*

Quinnella Cricket: What is wrong with you? Why are you like this— *the rest of her speech is inaudible as speech to human ears*

Dr. Jiminy: It’s not fault—

Quinnella Cricket: Did you SEE how many clips they had?! 

Dr. Jiminy, nervous: I can explain—

Quinnella Cricket: There are MEMES about you!

Dr. Jiminy, suddenly thrown:   There are?

Quinnella Cricket: Our show has multiple one star reviews on Auratube and Yowl!

Dr. Jiminy: Oh wow—

Quinnella Cricket: Multiple people are trying to have your license and conscience title revoked! 

Dr. Jiminy: WHAT?

Quinnella Cricket: There are BippidiBops about you! People are joking about you on Wish! Someone has been making MIXTAPES making you look bad using your own words on Auratube—

Dr. Jiminy: Okay I think you’re stretching the truth a little there, hun—

Quinnella Cricket *turns red in anger and snatches up the remote before exiting and clicking on another video titled ‘Guilty conscience’*

The video starts playing—showing an edited album with Dr. Jiminy on the cover—and music can be heard. 

“Guilty conscience, Guilty conscience. Ugh. Guilty conscience, huh? Guilty conscience. Whaddya say? Guilty conscience. 

Do you people really believe this?

T-t-this story is clearly f-f-f-FLAWED— Wait. What— don't go! Wait. What? Wait. What? W-what?”

Quinnella Cricket *pauses and stares at him*

Dr. Jiminy: Please tell me the children haven’t seen that. 

*The camera zooms out—or, no, actually. The cameraman is clearly backing away from the door. The sound of a door can be heard shutting before the camera turns around to reveal Jiminy’s second oldest son, Evanstar*

Evenstar: We have all, in fact, seen it.