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At this point, it’s getting ridiculous, absurd, the stupidest situation he’s ever found himself in, he concludes one morning when he enteres the Great Hall.
And it’s not the fact that yet another girl is approaching Remus to flirt with him. Sirius understands that part, it can make sense. Remus is the kind of bloke girls stare at when they’re studying in the library or that makes them giggle nervously after he smiles at them as to say “You’re welcome” because he’s reached something for them from the top shelf. He’s not the type of guy that chicks snog at parties, right in the middle of a dance circle— but he is the type that leaves them breathless when he looks over their shoulder to help them with their essays. Remus looks like one of those illustrations in his old muggle books. He is all skinny, long limbs whose most appropriate pose seem to be stretching one of those infinite arms to grasp the stars.
So, yeah, Sirius understands why a girl might approach Remus.
What he doesn’t get is why he always gets so jealous whenever that happens. He always has this need to push Remus away (literally shove him to the ground) to get the girl’s attention. So he does. Obviously not right then and there, but probably that very same afternoon he’s flirting with her blatantly. It usually doesn’t take him more than a week or two for him to be making out with her in a broom closet or an empty classroom. Still, something always feels off afterwards.
“Good morning, Moony,” Sirius greets as he sits down in front of his friend. “Sweetheart,” he adds with a wink at the girl. This morning it’s a cute Hufflepuff, a year or two older; Sirius isn’t quite sure. Not that he really cares.
“Morning, Padfoot”, Remus replies, without even looking at him, too busy reading whatever the Hufflepuff is holding right in his face. Nevertheless, he passes Sirius a bowl of porridge with lots of sugar and honey: the way he has them every day. Always so caring , Sirius thinks. The girl hasn’t spared him a look either, eyes fixed on Remus, he realises with annoyance.
While Remus keeps reading the parchment, Sirius seizes the moment to inspect her properly, eating his breakfast. She’s actually quite fit. Her round cheeks make an interesting contrast with her intelligent, sharp eyes. Unlike Remus’, her curls don't look natural, though they are very nice done. Maybe he could ask her for hair advice after making out with her.
And the way she just keeps looking at Remus infuriates Sirius, as there wasn’t anything worthy enough to look at other than him. Yeah, Remus can be an interesting sight, but none of them bother to pay Sirius any attention at all, which is ridiculous since he’s such an interesting fellow. So he’s about to open his mouth to complain when he’s distracted by someone slipping next to him.
“Wormtail!” Finally some company. “My hero!,” he screams, throwing his arms around his very confused friend.
“What happens, Pads?,” Peter asks, shrugging and looking around as if they were being attacked. When he sees nothing is actually wrong, he reaches for a mug of coffee rubbing his eyes. Well, there is something wrong, actually: Sirius is really bored and the knot in his stomach hasn't loosened a bit since he entered the hall.
“Please, tell me something. Anything,” he pleads, snatching Peter’s coffee and siping a bit. It doesn’t even have milk. “Too bitter,” he complains with a grin, completely ignoring Peter’s deadly stare. Peter isn’t a morning person and can’t really function before a coffee. They’ve learned that over years of living together: so that’s the perfect moment to tease him a bit. But never too much, it doesn’t end well (they have also learned that over the years).
“I’m not ready for your bullshit, Sirius,” Peter mutters, getting his mug back.
In one, big gulp he empties its content and then proceeds to pour himself some more coffee.
With, now, kind eyes, he turns to Sirius. “What was it that you wanted?,” he asks as if he hadn’t been the grumpiest person alive just a few seconds ago. Fascinating the human being. What a curious specimen. Sirius could think about it for hours, about how fascinating humans are, if it wasn’t for the need for some external stimulation, some distraction.
“Any plans for this weekend?,” Sirius asks; it’s the first question that pops up to his mind. What a shitty question, they always spend the weekends together.
“On Saturday morning you and I have detention, remember?” Peter says. Sirius tries his best to hide a grimace of disgust; yet again, he isn’t the best at dissimulating. “Yeah, I’m not looking forward to it either, Pads. However, I was thinking I could…”
At some point, Sirius stops listening, something much more interesting catching his eye: Remus’ long fingers scribbling something in the girl’s parchment. He grabs the quill tight, making it swing slightly, the feather brushing his face from time to time. He's probably correcting an essay for her with that small, illegible handwriting of his. But then Sirius’ eyes slip a bit upwards, where the girl’s hand rests on his shoulder, giving him little strokes.
The knot in his stomach goes all the way up to his chest, where it gets tighter — if that’s even possible . It’s starting to get a bit difficult to breathe, but he isn’t able to pull his sight away. Maybe if he keeps staring he could actually pierce her hand and get her to move it away… Okay, getting violent is his cue to leave and get some fresh air, clear his mind. He’s definitely going insane.
“Sorry, Wormtail, gotta go.” He stands up, leaving his porridge half eaten. What a shame.
“But I wasn’t — ”
“See you lads in Transfiguration!”
What the fuck was that about , he says to himself as he lights a cigarette with trembling hands.
Sirius spends the day normally. Looking through the window, passing notes to James under the table, making complicated spells combining two or three basic ones —not to brag or anything . The usual.
And, like every other day, he daydreams looking at Remus. He doesn’t actually think about anything in particular, it’s just so relaxing he can’t help it. He wonders if the others feel the same way; Remus is a really calming person. Whenever Remus catches him, he pretends he’s looking right past him or tries to smile casually, play it cool (because it’s kind of weird to be looking at a classmate; Sirius is not that stupid, he knows that).
But all that ordinariness is disrupted when he’s finally heading to the common room after a long day of classes with a huge pile of homework in his bag. All he feels like doing is taking a nap in front of the fire, listening to some music and ignoring completely said homework. He turns to his right to express his desire to James and Peter, only to discover they have already headed upstairs without him…That’s fine, he always has Rem-
Where’s Remus?
He turns around a couple of times, almost looking like a dog trying to catch his tail. He would be laughing at the thought if it weren't for the scene taking place some feet away. Remus being cornered against a wall by the same Hufflepuff girl that shoved her homework in his face this morning, one hand playing mischievously with his tie. He can’t really see anything of her other than her curls falling graciously on her shoulders (he should definitely ask her for advice), but he’s able to see Remus’ face perfectly. Other than the light blush settled in his cheeks, he doesn’t seem bothered by that invasion of his personal space. Quite the opposite, actually, he looks almost amused.
For the first time, Sirius doesn’t feel enraged or disgusted by interaction; it isn’t that usual need of throwing a punch to the nearest wall. For the first time, what he feels is emptiness. And it keeps growing by the second, devouring him from the inside. He wants to take his eyes off of them, but he simply can't, as if frozen in place. Yet again, it gets difficult to breathe and he’s unable to do anything but stare. How many times is he going to be in that same situation today?
A sudden hand on his arm brings him back to reality.
“Black, you alright?” Mary MacDonald is standing next to him with a kind smile. Behind her, Lily and Marlene are looking over his shoulder, where Remus is standing with the Hufflepuff girl. But he’s not turning that way again.
“Yeah, MacDonald,” he answers, panting slightly, hopefully not enough to be too obvious. That void in chest disappeared as soon as Mary talked to him, as if it had never been there, surprisingly, but he doesn’t feel very well. “Why wouldn’t I be?,” he tries to smile.
Mary is about to speak when Lily interrupts her with a warning expression. “No particular reason…,” she turns around to share a look with her friends. It’s like they’re having a non verbal conversation, Sirius realises still dizzy, like the ones he has with James. He has never posed other people do that until now, which makes him feel a bit silly. “But we think you should come with us,” she finishes when Marlene nods.
So he lets Mary’s hand, still on his arm, guide him through the castle. He's not sure why he lets them, but it’s definitely better than staying there.
Girls walk much slower than boys. No, scratch that; it’s less hurried. They don’t move through the castle as if they are being chased by an enchanted, boiling teapot, unlike him and his friends. Maybe girls see life slower than boys; not just because of the pace they move to, but because they think things through. Even Remus is an impulsive bastard, he has his sudden outbursts; and when it comes to making a decision, James can’t rub his two brain cells for more than a couple of seconds for his own sake; probably Peter is the most sensible out of them…
Without even realising how, he ends up at the foot of the stairs that lead to the girls’ bedrooms, still escorted by his friends.
“Well,” Sirius says, freeing himself from Mary’s grip, “this is as far as I can go. Thanks for the walk, ladies”. And for helping me to escape that horrid sight , he adds to himself. But when he tries to slip away to go to his own dorm, he’s suddenly blocked by Marlene.
“Where exactly do you think you’re going?,” she says with a mocking grin, taking her wand out her pocket. “We’re not done with you yet.”
“We’re not that easy to get rid of, you know?,” Lily adds, giving him a friendly push with her shoulder. Well, that’s new. Meanwhile, Marlene leans in and whispers a spell under her breath, pointing at the steps with her wand. When she’s done, she moves her head towards the stairs, inviting him to go up. Sirius doesn’t move an inch, he feels like it’s some sort of sick joke to make him look like a pervert in front of the whole common room. It would be a good prank, though. “Come on, wanker'' Lily urges him, “we don’t have all day.”
Mary, being the charm she is, doesn’t wait for his answer and just drags him upstairs. Sirius closes his eyes, waiting for the inevitable: him sliding all the way down to the common room and landing pathetically arse first in front of everyone. He wouldn't be particularly embarrassed if that happened any other day (it has), but today he isn’t in the right mood. However, it never happens; he just reaches the top of the stairs, like they were regular ones.
He can’t help a laugh escape from his lips. “For Merlin’s pants, how did you–?”
“A lady never reveals her secrets,” Mary interrupts, sticking out her tongue.
As soon as they enter the room, Marlene throws herself to which must be her bed, making her multiple necklaces and bracelets jingle. It’s just like the boy’s dorm, except that smells way nicer. "Don’t be shy, Black, make yourself comfortable.”
He doesn’t. Standing at the door, he watches them go from one place to another, taking robes off, disposing bags and books, making a kettle levitate to the fireplace. Without bothering to stand up from her bed, Marlene invokes some tea bags from her trunk, while Lily hands everyone cups and Mary pours boiling water from the kettle. Like a goddamn clock , he thinks.
“Cheers,” Sirius thanks.
The thing is, he actually doesn’t know where to sit. Maybe sitting on a bed can be taking too many liberties and come up as rude, but standing up isn’t much of an option either, especially with the tea; a chair seems the most sensible option, but there isn’t any, he concludes after inspecting the room. Not that he cares about where he sits, he’s Sirius Black and Sirius Black doesn’t care about that type of nonsense.
“Hope you like Earl Grey, Black, we don’t have anything else,” Lily says laying next to Marlene.
Mary pats the floor, next to where she is sitting down, looking at Sirius. Of course, the floor.
“Care to tell us what was happening there?,” Marlene asks, breaking the silence that had established for ten precious seconds, which makes Sirius choke a bit on his tea (that is too bitter, by the way, but he is not going to complain).
“Marls!,” Mary rebukes her, rubbing Sirius’ back until he’s able to breathe again.
“Oh, come on, we all knew what we were going to talk about!,” Marlene says, completely ignoring the looks of her friend. Then, she pulls a pack of cigarettes from her pocket and starts handing them out.
Grateful to have an excuse to pull aside his cup of (bitter) tea, Sirius takes a fag and lights it up with his wand. He doesn’t really like the taste, nor the concept of smoking, but it is soothing in the way that it gives him something to do with his hands, and the turmoil of his head goes a bit quieter for a precious few minutes. Besides, he looks cool when he smokes. Sirius is surprised when he sees Lily take a cigarette and start smoking. Who would have told? If she notices Sirius’ amazed look, she doesn’t say anything.
“So, who’s the girl?”
"A Hufflepuff," Sirius answers. With gorgeous curls . Not answering their questions can be impolite, especially if they have invited him to tea. It’s not that he feels comfortable enough to answer, in the cosy room that smells like flowers with everyone paying attention to him. Yeah, that’s totally not it.
"Do you know her?," Mary enquiries trying to avoid the smoke with a grimace.
"Ehh… no."
"Then why did you look so affected?," this time it is Marlene who asks.
"What? Did I look-?"
"Stop!," Lily interferes, which makes everyone go quiet. With the smoke surrounding her red hair and flaming stare, she looks like a demon fresh out of hell. James would probably faint if he saw her like that, all intimidating and authoritarian; just the way he loves her. Her eyes soften when she turns to Sirius. “Clearly something made you upset. Wanna talk about it?”
Marlene scoffs as she throws the butt of her fag to an ashtray nearby. She immediately lights another one. “You always ruin the fun parts.”
Sirius decides to ignore it.
There’s always the option of saying no and going about his day, planning a prank with Peter and James maybe, taking that nap he longed for and feeling sorry for himself just before falling asleep. But screw it, he’s been dragged all the way to the girls' dorms, has been invited to disgustingly bitter tea and it smells nice. So heck yeah, he is going to talk about his feelings.
“Know what? I do want to,” he says, taking a puff from is fag. The girls stare at him expectantly and he looks back at them. It isn’t until about a minute later (a completely silent minute) that he realises he’s supposed to actually speak. This is going to be more difficult than what he thought.
Stroking his thigh, Mary gives him an encouraging smile. She is a charm. “Maybe you can start by describing what you were feeling at the moment we found you. Just one word. Anger, for example.”
Okay, that’s easy, he can do that.
“Jealousy,” Sirius says , “Well… it depends, how does jealousy exactly feel like?”
“Sadness,” Mary says without sparing a second, still not letting go of his leg. “It makes me miserable and feel nothing is actually worthy in this world.”
“Also anger,” Marlene declares. “All I feel like is screaming my guts out until I’m numb.”
After meditating it for a bit, scrunching her nose, Lily finally says: “I’d do almost anything to be the person I’m jealous of. And it can be scary, because I really do mean anything .”
Sirius thinks about all the times he’s wanted to punch Remus out of his way to free the pressure of his chest (thank Merlin he’s never done that). About all those days he’s wasted chasing the girls that had tried to flirt with Remus. Because he’s wasted a ton of days, missed pranks and study sessions, just to feel better; though he never did. And, lastly, about whatever that was that had paralysed him earlier.
“I’m jealous,” he admits. He doesn’t dare to look at any of their faces. Well, this is quite relieving . “I’m a shity friend. No, I’m the absolute fucking worst friend ever.” Sirius Black is like a balloon: maybe you can’t break it at the beginning, it takes a while, but, as soon as you do, it won’t stop deflating until it’s completely run out of air. “It’s like I don’t want Remus to be happy. Whenever a girl approaches him, I get angry all of the sudden and I want her to pay attention to me . I know I’m an egocentric bastard, but never to this point…,” he takes a break to breathe. “The thing is… in fact, I don't have any excuse. And after being the fucking worst of people —that’s after snoging the girl that was after my friend and could have’d a chance with him and make him enjoy life, even if it’s only for a couple of minutes—, I don’t feel good. It’s just pure disappointment.”
At the end of his silly, little speech, in a burst of courage, he looks up. And what he finds written on their faces is… pityness? Compassion? He rubs his watery eyes embarrassed. No, they should be disgusted, angry at him… It doesn’t make any sense.
“Sirius,” Lily sits down on the floor, right in front of him, and Malene follows her. For the first time in the afternoon, Marlene’s smiling with something other than mock, which freaks him out a bit. The situation must be more serious than what he’d thought. Being all cramped on the floor, Lily reaches to take his hand.
“Have you considered that it’s not the girls you want to… snog , but Remus? I mean, he’s the only constant in the scheme.”
For a moment, the only thing that keeps him from getting lost in his mind, anchoring him to the world, is Lily’s hand in his. That would be easy: to slip away from this plane for a few minutes and even forget his own name. And then reality hits him like a brick on the head.
When he was looking at Remus in class, or looking for excuses to touch him and make him blush, he wasn’t being a good ol’ pal or being a tosser. He wasn’t disturbed when Remus got a little too close when speaking, that wasn’t the feeling in his stomach. He was developing a goddamn crush on his best friend. And, for some reason, it’s not scary, he isn’t at the verge of a panic attack. Quite the opposite, all the noise inside his head shuts at once. Suddenly, everything makes sense. It's easy to accept it because it feels natural. Who doesn’t love Remus, with his stupid side-eyed looks and sarcastic comments under his breath and his stupid Adam’s apple jerking when he laughs…?
“You’re not a bad friend,” Mary assures him, combing through his hair with her fingers.
Sirius flinches. “Don’t touch it.” Mary removes her hand immediately. Once again he avoids looking at them, feeling his face warming up. “I’m sorry, I just hate it when other people touch my hair.” That’s not really true, he doesn’t mind when Remus does it, for example, but it had been too abrupt and he wasn’t expecting it. Wait, he doesn’t mind when Remus does it… Huh.
“Don’t apologise, I’m the one who’s sorry. I actually don’t like that other people touch my hair either,” she admits pointing at her curls, “so I know how that feels. My point is: you’re not a bad friend, or the absolute fucking worst friend ever if I remember correctly.” They aren’t going to give him a break, are they? “You fancy Remus, and that’s totally fine.”
“Love feels much better than hate, doesn’t it?” Lily adds caressing his knuckles.
“Yes, it does,” Sirius says, and he means it. He suddenly realises something. “Wait does this make me a quee-”
“Whoa, I’m gonna stop you right there, you big guy” Marlene interrupts him shaking her hand full of rings and standing up. She was lighting her third smoke. This girl’s like a chimney . “You’ve unpacked a lot today” she says as she picks up the mugs and ashtrays, “so I was thinking we should go for a walk in the Forbidden Forest.”
Lily helps both Mary and Sirius to stand up. “That sounds like a good idea. I was thinking of a prank, jinxing Potter or something like that, and maybe the master here can help us”, she says with a wink.
A walk in the Forbidden forest and jinxing people; these girls sure are a box full of surprises. “I’d love that,” Sirius replies, grining. That’s a lie. He wants to lay down and drown himself in self pity and David Bowie, but Marlene is probably right.
“Thank you, by the way” Mary says as they walk through the school grounds, fallinging a few steps behind.
Sirius gives her a puzzled look. “Whatever for, Mary?”
“When you saw I didn’t like the smell of the tobacco you started to exhale the smoke in the other direction”. Did he? “Don’t tell me you did it unconsciously” she laughs amused. “I thought you were a bad boy who doesn’t give a damn about anyone, and yet, here you are: being kind unconsciously.”
“So did I.”
Maybe he isn’t a bad friend after all, he just loves unconsciously.