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Chapter Text

Sirius pulled the handle of his flat door. One. Two. Three. Locked.

He stared at the spot where the door met the frame, trying to burn the image into his brain. Locked, locked, locked.

With a deep breath he turned and rushed into the stairwell of his apartment complex, bounding down the eight flights of stairs. Taking the stairs was better than the lift because then he was less tempted to go back up and check the door again. He didn't need to check it. It was locked.

What if it isn't?

Shut up. Sirius didn't have time for this nonsense. He was already late.




"And how are we feeling about that?," Miss Grottworth asked.

"Well I don't know how you're feeling about it but I feel fucking great," Sirius answered, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

Grottworth's lips twitched. Sirius knew that she wasn't a big fan of his deflection strategies but after two years of being his therapist she had started to get used to it. No more tutting or raised eybrows. No more "Mr. Black, why do you feel the need to use sarcasm right now?".

She had realised that with him there were far more urgent matters to be dealt with than the refusal to just answer a question and would now just pass over it as if it didn't happen.

"It sounds like a tough spot to be in."

"I have been worse."

"Is that the point?"

Sirius rolled his eyes but sighed and leaned back into the fluffy armchair. "I guess not."

Grottworth didn't say anything and just kept looking at him. Sirius knew that strategy. Let the patient fill in the silence. He didn't want to. But then... Pommy was right; if he didn't talk why was he even going to therapy?

"Fine. I wish - I wish I didn't have to deal with this on top of everything else. I mean why does he have to move now of all times? I just feel like everything's in order for once. And if Alex is gone who am I gonna drink with? I can't go to the pub all alone, that's weird!"

"And is the drinking the main thing you will be missing, now that your friend is moving to the continent?"

Sirius huffed and dug his fingertips into the fabric of his jeans. "No. I - Maybe?" He frowned, digging in his mind for the truth.

Alex Grimsley was one of his oldest friends. Meaning they had known each other for a whole four years. They had worked together at a run down McDonald's, back when Sirius was doing his first careful steps into the world of people who somewhat had their life together. Alex certainly had it together. When they had met he'd been working nights to spend the days getting his bachelor's degree in biochem and when Sirius showed just a tiny bit of interest in the books he brought to work, he had been eager to explain.

It had been nice. Sirius hadn't been used to people entertaining his curiosity. After a lifetime of being shut down he had clung to Alex like a lifeline. Eventhough he really didn't talk much, when it wasn't about chemistry. But Sirius didn't mind that. He just liked that he had someone he could sit with when his mind started getting too loud again. Or too quiet.

"I guess I'm scared," he murmured, staring at the tips of his heavy boots. He had stretched out his legs so he was lounging in the seat as if he didn't have a care in the world, eventhough he certaintly had some. Way too many, actually.

"Scared of what?"

Sirius picked at a scab on his hand. "Of myself."




Sirius stared at the water below the bridge and took a drag of his cigarette. Sunlight was twinkling on the surface of the channel and burning hot on his back. A pair of ducks was swimming, side by side. Ashes tumbled downwards as he tapped the cig with his index.

It were a good thirty feet down from here, where he was standing, to the surface of the water. It waved lightly in the breeze, but would no doubt be rigid if he hit it from this height.

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut to drive away the thoughts.

Not today, not today, not today. Today was a bad day to die.

Bad day. It's nice. It's nice. It's nice. Not today, not today, not today. He knocked the metal railing thrice with his knuckles and turned around to face the street.

People were passing by. In cars, on bikes and by foot. Babies in strollers, old women with canes, couples holding hands, kids with ice cream. Sirius took a deep breath, then another drag. Today was a bad day.

His eyes followed the passerbys for a while, leaning against the railing, just watching them. So happy. It gave him hope. Something to look forward to. Maybe one day he'd be able to just walk over this bridge with his ice cream without having to stop to look down.

A man in a college jacket overtook an elderly couple. For a moment Sirius' eyes got stuck on him without him knowing why. Until he saw his face.

"James?!"

The man turned before Sirius had the chance to realise that he had called the name out loud. Fuck.

"Oh, hi there mate!," the man came towards Sirius, hands stuck in the pockets of his jacket. His eyes were clearly searching Sirius' face for something familiar. "Sorry, uhm, where do I know you from?"

Sirius stared at the man. At James. Because this was James. Sirius would never forget what he looked like.

Hazel eyes, round glasses, black hair that was somehow always a bit messed up. He looked older - of course he did - but there was no doubt it was him.

But - it couldn't be! Why now?! Why here?

James was still waiting for an answer to his own question, his dark brows slowly drawing into a frown, his smile fading off his face. Sirius felt sick.

"You don't know me. Sorry." He dropped the bud of his cigarette onto the pavement, crushed it with his boot and walked away.

Not real, not real, not real. Tears burned in the corners of his eyes as he tried to take even breaths.




"Mum said I'm not allowed to go to the fair," Sirius sighed, the handmirror hidden under his duvet.

"That's so un-fair of her!," James giggled and Sirius joined in. James always made the best jokes.

"So how was it? Did you get cotton candy?," he asked hopefully.

Unlike himself, James' life wasn't constrained by the dark walls of his family home. He got to talk to other kids and do all the things Sirius couldn't. Even going to the fair that Sirius had seen from the bus today.

"Of course I did! And I went on the ferris wheel and the rollercoaster and - "

The door to Sirius' room flew open with a loud bang. His entire body twitched with shock, scrambling to hide the mirror.

"That's it!" A harsh hand tore the mirror out of his hands while another grabbed him by the arm. Slender fingers digging painfully into his skin. "You are a disgrace!" His mother yanked him from his bed and dragged him out his room.

Panic rose in his chest. They had caught him. They would take James away from him. He couldn't loose James!

"James!," Sirius screamed, as if the boy in the mirror could do anything to help him.

"Stop yelling! There is nothing in that mirror! I told you if you don't get better we have to send you away!," his mother screeched, her voice hurting his ears as she forced him down the stairs. Sirius bare feet banged and scraped his against the wooden steps as he struggled against her.

"James," he cried again, hand reaching for the mirror.

His mother stopped and slapped him, making his head bang against the bannister. "Why do you do this to me?! What am I supposed to tell your father?"




Sirius let the tablet melt on his tounge, then followed it quickly with a swig of water before rushing out the balcony door, bracing himself against the concrete railing.

He needed to breathe. Calmly. Everything was okay. Don't look down. Sit.

With shaky legs he sank onto one of the two plastic chairs that adorned his tiny balcony. He had tried to keep plants out here when he moved in but they never made it so now the only thing out here were the chairs and two plastic pots with the brown, crispy remnants of his former resolutions.

Sirius bounced his knee. On one of the neighbouring balconies a couple of pigeons were making a ruckus, the sun was stinging on his face.

Why now? It had been years since he had to take his emergency Ativan. Or should he have taken the risperidone? Fuck, maybe he should have called his psychiatrist first. What was this? A panic attack? Or psychosis?

James hadn't followed him. He had stayed on that bridge. Sirius had frantically checked all his mirrors when he got home, but no James. So no further hallucinations but he was certainly not feeling well. Ativan would be okay.

What if it isn't though? What if I accidentally took too much?

Sirius fumbled in his jeans for his cigarettes. He shouldn't be smoking right now.

Only one a day, he had promised Pommy. But this was an emergency! He needed this. The lighter clicked and he inhaled the precious, calming smoke that would hopefully help him until the meds kicked in.

Why now. Because of Alex? Was he hallucinating his childhood coping mechanism back into life because one of his best friends - or the closest thing he had to that - was moving away? Sirius stared at the other, empty, chair. If Alex was gone who would drag him out of his apartment to get some air, if it got bad? It hadn't been bad in a bit.

Sirius picked on a hole in his trousers and chewed on his lip. He shouldn't think of Alex like that - like a means to an end. He was an awful person. And there just weren't many people who put up with him. Or rather, who he trusted to put up with him. Noone could ever match up to James.

But then, James was just a figment of his imagination. Of course noone could measure up to the boy he had invented to be his perfect match. Of course he was the only one who always understood him - if he was the one who made him up.

Sirius took another drag. But why on the bridge? Out on the street?! His hallucinations had always just shown up at home - or later in his room in the clinic. Sometimes he would hear things when he was out and about but James had always been confined to the handmirror. Which meant he hadn't seen him in thirteen years. But it had been him! He had looked so real. And his voice...

Sirius shook off the panic that was once again creeping back up on him. He had had his psychosis under control for so long. He didn't want a relapse. He didn't want to be on antipsychotics again everyday.

Getting off the meds cold turkey had been the worst part when he had run away from the clinic in his teens. Managing his symtoms with nothing but the weed and the occasional Benzo someone would sell him in a sketchy backyard had been a trip of its own. Going back on them when Pommy had found him and gently talked him into getting treatment again had been worse.

It had helped, of course. Without them - and certainly without Pommy - Sirius surely wouldn't be sitting on the balcony of his own flat, able to hold down a job, with scars on his arms that were all well over a year old. He'd still be out on the street, sizing up any tree he passed to see if it would make a good place to hang himself. He wouldn't have gone back on his meds without her but he certainly wouldn't have been able to get off them and actually be better, without her either. Maybe he should call her? She was one of the few people besides his therapist and psychiatrist that he had told about James. Maybe she could help? But how?

Sirius extinguished the burned down cigarette in the ashtray he kept on the windowsill and let his head drop into his palm. He was starting to get tired from the Ativan. He should probably go inside before it knocked him out out here. But he already felt too sluggish to get up.

The sun had vanished behind a thick blanket of clouds and the first raindrops started to fall. Sirius heard their distant plunk on the pavement down below. He closed his eyes.



***



James dropped his jacket carelessly in a corner of his shared dorm room before dropping into his desk chair. "I just had the weirdest experience."

Remus slowly lifted his head from where he was hunched over his book and Peter's head suddenly perked out from the bottom bunk next to James. "What?," they asked in unison.

James leaned back in the chair and folded his hands behind his head. "You know that bridge by the train station? I was passing over and some guy just called my name."

"Did you know him?," Peter asked while producing a bag of crisps and grabbing a few.

"No, Peter, if I knew him why would that be weird, stay on track mate! So, that guy... He knew my name but I'm pretty sure I have never met him before. I mean I would have remembered that face..."

Remus' eyebrows rose and his lips twitched.

"Was he good-looking?," Peter inquired between crunching chews.

"Good looking doesn't do it justice really. I'm good looking. That guy was... I don't know man..."

"What did he look like?," Peter inquired.

"Tall, long black hair - like really long, I don't think I've ever seen a bloke with hair like that - grey eyes, olive skin though he looked a bit pale to me - "

"Got a good look at him, huh?," Remus smirked.

"Well -," James felt his cheeks flush. "Look, he was just handsome, alright?" And he had some freckles on his nose, he thought. And the prettiest lashes on the saddest eyes... But he didn't say that. Remus was already judging him. Not that he cared! But no need to expose himself like this.

"So where did he know you from then?"

"That's the thing," James sighed with a frown. "He didn't tell me. He just... Said he didn't know me after all and just walked off. It was really weird."

"Huh." Remus seemed to agree.

"I wanted to go after him but he vanished in the crowd too quickly."

"You should be careful, James. Could be a scam," Remus mused, suddenly looking quite alarmed.

James scoffed. "What kind of scam would that be?"

"Well maybe he wanted to know if your name is actually James! And now he knows!," Peter offered.

James waved him off. "And what would he do with that? No, he seemed... A bit out of it to be honest. I wonder if I'll see him again. Do you think he comes to that bridge often?"

Remus straightened up. "Why do you even want to seek him out? You said he seemed weird."

"I said he seemed out of it, not weird. And... I know what that sounds like, okay, but we had a connection!"

Remus crossed his arms and shook his head. "How can you have a connection with someone you barely talked to?"

James shrugged. "We just did. It was like... When he called my name, for a couple seconds I was really sure that I do know him."

"Yeah," Peter munched. "Sounds like a scam."

James shot him a disgruntled look. "What kind of fucking scam?!"

"Maybe he's a prostitute."

James snorted. "I doubt that."

"You said he's good looking."

"Is that sufficient as qualifying criteria, Peter?"

Peter shrugged. "You always say that whenever a hot girl talks me up on the street."

"Yes, Peter. You." James sighed. He was pretty sure that Peter was wrong. That guy hadn't seemed like a prostitute with his wide clothes and long sleeves. If someone wanted to sell you their body they certainly wouldn't hide it that well. Right? James rubbed his chin.

"I'm gonna go to that bridge again. Maybe I'll see him."

"You think that's a good idea?," Remus asked carefully. His frown already told James what Remus deemed the right answer to that question.

He flashed him a smile. "Whenever have my ideas been anything but excellent, Remus?"



***



Sirius stared down into the dark water of the channel. It was late already but he hadn't been able to sleep and the thought of taking any more Ativan made him nauseous, so he had decided to go on a walk instead.

Ever since James had shown up two weeks ago his psychiatrist had ordered him back on daily meds and it made him feel drowsy. He had considered just not taking it, but James also hadn't shown up anymore so maybe it was doing its work.

The bridge was a lot more quiet at night. Apart from the infrequent sound of a passing car there was barely anything he could hear. Sometimes that would freak him out but today this was exactly what he needed. Quiet. To think his own thoughts.

He had done a lot of talking in the past weeks. Talking to Miss Grottworth about Alex, talking to his psychiatrist about James, talking to Pommy about both. He hadn't been talking to Alex at all, eventhough he had called several times. Sirius knew he should probably call him back but he didn't know what to even tell him.

"Hey mate, you going away apparently triggered a psychotic episode so I am not very well. Anyways, how's the move going?"

That would be unfair and Sirius knew that. Alex deserved this new job. This new life. "We'll stay in touch," he had said but Sirius was sure they wouldn't. People didn't have the habit of missing him. And how could he blame them? Sometimes he could barely stand himself.

Sirius let out a sigh and reached into the pocket of his leather jacket for his cigs. He fumbled a bit with the pack - bloody shaky fingers - before he managed to draw one out. He'd used to roll them himself when he lived on the street but the antipsychotics sometimes made his fingers spasm so he had resorted to pay up for the packaged ones. Not to say he should be smoking at all on the meds... but stopping really wasn't an option.

He placed the cigarette between his lips and reached for his lighter when a voice cut through the mellow silence.

"Need a light?"

Startled, Sirius spun around.

James. That was James and he knew it before he really recognized the face of the man standing behind him. The lighter dropped to the floor, sliding towards the edge of the bridge.

"Oh shit, sorry, fuck -," James cursed as he scrambled to pick the lighter back up but it slipped underneath the railing into the channel before he could grab it.

Sirius stared at him in shock, slowly pulling the cigarette from his mouth, feeling it between his fingers. He could hear the muted splash of the lighter hitting the water behind him. He wasn't dreaming. He was here.

James looked up at him with friendly - far too familiar - hazel eyes and grinned sheepishly as he got back up.

"Sorry mate, didn't mean to startle you. I - uhm - I actually don't have a lighter, that was just - a line? I don't smoke. Athlete lifestyle," he chuckled akwardly and ruffled his already messy hair. "I mean, I'm not a pro or something but I play in my uni's rugby team and I - Sorry, you don't need to know all that." He stretched out his hand formally. "Hi, I'm James. I was hoping to meet you here again."

Sirius' mind was rushing in all sorts of directions. He was on 6mg risperidone and yet here James was, clear as the sky on a particularly nice day. He took a step back and collided with the railing.

James' eyes widened with worry. "Woah, careful! I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I guess just popping up from behind, in the dark wasn't the best move." Again that grin and that hair ruffle. Had he always been doing that? Sirius couldn't remember eleven year old James behaving like this.

"You wanted to see me again?," Sirius asked carefully.

What could that mean? James was just a representation of the things going on in his subconscious. If he was here it must mean something. Sirius threw a look over his shoulder, then laughed. So that was it.

"Oh. Oh, don't worry I wasn't going to jump. I just... like to imagine it sometimes. It calms me down knowing I have a way out."

James stared at him, his mouth falling open as if he wanted to say something but didn't know what.

Sirius sighed and cracked his neck. He needed to face this straight on. It all made sense, somehow. His support net - if you could call a single person a net, it was really more of a buoy kind of situation - was leaving and the resulting turmoil made his mind come up with the thing that saved him once before.

"I know you're not real," he said, trying his best to sound confident.

James somehow managed to look even more befuddled than before. "I - I'm not real?!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh come on don't give me that look, now I'm almost feeling bad for you! Listen, I - " he did his best to remember all his tools from therapy - "I appreciate that you're trying to keep me safe and alive. But right now you are not making things better, you are making me worse, actually. I had to call off from work because there's just no bloody way I'm gonna work during an episode like this." He pointed somewhat accusingly at James who took a step back. "And I really can't use all that right now!"

"You think - What?! I - Mate, I don't know what you're tripping on but I'm pretty sure I'm real!" James laughed nervously.

He is nervous. I'm freaking him out, Sirius thought, and it made him feel queasy. He didn't want James to freak out. He didn't want him to go. Shit.

"Look," he said, trying to keep his voice steady. "You can't just show up like this, okay?! I know I'm not doing great but honestly, I didn't do great for a pretty long time and you never cared to show up then, didn't you? Where were you five years ago when I was sleeping under a bridge in Port Talbot, cutting my arms up every night because that was the only thing that helped me sleep? Where were you then,  James? Did I not need you then? Did I not need you more then than now, when I have a whole job and a fucking life to take care of? I have more friends than just Alex, I just - Well, maybe not friends but I talk to other people on occasion, okay? I don't need you to come back now!" Sirius squished the cigarette between his fingers. His cheeks were burning and he felt like he was about to throw up. But he had to face this. No more running away.

James raised his eybrows, before approaching again, slowly this time as if he was trying to catch a stray dog. "Hey, do you - Do you maybe need me to call someone for you? I don't think you're quite alright."

"I'm fine!," Sirius almost shouted. Okay, maybe running was an option. This was freaking him out. He turned to the side to walk past James, but then - driven by some deeply rooted defiance - turned back to walk straight through him. Only to be stopped by a firm chest and a pair of arms grabbing him on each side.

"Woah, hey, no need to run me over, I'll leave you alone, sorry!" James walked backwards, raising his arms defensively.

Sirius stood motionless for a second. He could still feel James' touch on his arms, the traces of impact on his chest. Well that was new.

But that couldn't - Carefully he stretched out his arm until his fingers brushed the hem of James' sleeve. He could feel it. He took a step forward and grabbed his wrist, that James immediately tried to free but Sirius wasn't gonna let go. Not until he was sure.

He could feel him. And he felt real. By god, he even had a pulse! Sirius' eyes shot back to James'.

"You're - Are you real?!"

"Yes!," James huffed exasperated. "It's what I've been telling you! And I don't know what you're on about me not showing up some other time. We never met before! I mean - apart from two weeks ago..."

James had given up his attempts of pulling his wrist back - half-hearted attempts anyways, if he really was the rugby player he claimed to be! - and his eyes had become gentle again. Maybe he wasn't real after all? Sirius couldn't imagine a real person reacting like this to the things he had just said. All of a sudden he was very embarrassed.

He released James from his grip and wiped his hands on his jacket, trying to calm himself. "You're real," he whispered more to himself than to James. "But you look just like - And your name is James?" He looked back up. James nodded.

"James Potter, at your service," he grinned.

Sirius mustered him with scrutiny. All fingers present, no glitches. And he could feel him. But how - He shook his head. "Can I take your picture?"

James looked taken aback. "Wha - Why that?"

"So I can show others." Fail safe way to know if something was real. That would be the perfect solution.

James didn't look like he liked that idea very much. "Uhm. I'm not sure that's - No, actually, look I - Maybe I shouldn't have gone looking for you. I can call 999 for you but I don't think - "

"I don't need you to call anyone I need your picture." Sirius pulled out his phone. If this James was real he would show up on the photo. And if not - then he would have some really interesting things to report to his psychiatrist...

James stumbled backwards more hastily now. Oh he doesn't want his picture taken, huh? Well if that isn't a sign.

Sirius opened the camera app.

"Dude, no! I'm gonna leave, and - I might make a call, do you want me to? - But I will go now, do not take my picture!"

"Oh damn right I will," Sirius murmured under his breath and hit the release.

When he looked up from the blurry picture on his screen, James had taken off. As Sirius watched his shape vanish quickly down the dimly lit road he felt a knot tighten in his chest.

Don't leave. Come back.

Chapter Text

Sirius' phone was laying flat on the white plastic surface of his kitchen table. Sirius himself was sitting on a chair in front of it, hands folded under his chin, glaring angrily at the screen.

Why did this bloody thing even have a camera when the pictures turned out like this?!

The photo had supposed to be proof. Something he could look at later or even show his therapist. But this? There was no point in showing this to someone else. The blurry, faceless shape could have belonged to anyone.

He let out a deep sigh and rubbed his face with his palms. This was a nightmare. He hadn't been this bad in so long, and all that despite the medication... But then, maybe James was real. Yesterday hadn't felt like a hallucination. So either he had hit a new low in that regard - or James had really been there. Which didn't necessarily mean that he was the James he thought he was.

But... Potter, too. First and last name, the same face. Could this really be a coincidence?

Sirius straightened his back as an idea started to form: So far James had only showed up on the bridge. And he had been there both times he had visited the bridge in the past month. So maybe this was the new spot? Had James transferred from the handmirror to the bridge he was regularly pondering his own death on? Not that he was currently really thinking about it. He hadn't lied to James. He was past that.

Maybe he should visit the bridge again? See if James was there? And then... Then what? He had tried confronting the hallucination and it hadn't worked.

Because he's real, something whispered in his head.

Sirius dropped into the backrest of the wooden chair, causing it to emit a tortured squeak.

Real or not, this was a real fucking problem! And he would have to handle this somehow if he didn't want to loose the carefully crafted life-raft he had built and saved himself onto. His boss hadn't asked any questions about his prolonged absence yet but it was only a matter of time if this kept happening...

He took a sip of his cold tea. Someone knocked at the door.

Sirius looked up. He didn't expect anyone. Better not to open. He really wasn't up for a conversation with any door-to-door retailers...

Another knock. "Sirius?!"

Sirius' heart jumped and he rushed to open the door. "Alex?"

Alex was indeed standing on his doormat, a plastic bag smelling of greasy takeaway in his hand. "Can I come in?"

"Now's a bad time," Sirius wanted to say. And it was. It was almost noon already and he had to be at work in ninety minutes.

"Sure," he said instead and gestured into his flat.

Alex walked straight into the kitchen, set the bag down on the table and dropped himself onto the two stacked beer crates Sirius used as a second seating option.

"You didn't answer my calls so I thought I'd drop by to check if you're still alive." Alex said it with such nonchalance as if the reality of that sentence didn't concern him one bit. Sirius knew better though.

He leaned against the kitchen counter. "I'm sorry. I've been going through it a bit."

"Because of the move?"

Sirius stared at his bare feet. Alex' tone still didn't indicate any emotion but when did it ever?

"No."

He could hear Alex shift on the crates, then the rustling of the plastic bag.

"I brought you some take out. Figured you're not eating again."

Sirius swallowed. Why did he know him so well? Reluctantly he lifted his gaze and threw a cautious look at the contents of the styrofoam container that Alex was opening.

"Chips and kebap meat. Anything else would be wasted on you anyways." A smile was tugging at Alex' lips and Sirius couldn't help but smile back.

"Thank you. I'm not hungry though..."

"Bullshit. At least eat the chips, alright?"

Sirius clenched his jaw as his eyes focused on the greasy fries. They smelled nice, and he hadn't eaten today yet... But if he started eating now - He squeezed his eyes shut to get rid of the thought but it had already settled neatly in between the ridges of his mind like dirt in the sole of his boots.

"You're back on your meds?," Alex asked, a lot more gently now.

Sirius nodded, eyes still closed. Risperidone made you eat more. It messed with your metabolism. Weight gain was a common side effect and it wasn't a bad thing. Sirius knew that. He'd been through that many times with Miss Grottworth. And with Pommy. He still couldn't handle it. It made him feel like something else was taking over his body. It reminded him of how he had felt after seeing himself in the mirror for the first time after two months in the child psych ward. How he hadn't even recognized himself.

He heard the chair screech over the lino floor of the kitchen.

"Sit down?," Alex asked.

Then he'd be closer to the food. It'd be right in front of him. Sirius already felt sick.

"I think I'd rather stand."

Alex sighed. Sirius wished he hadn't.

"I'm doing a going away party on Friday. I know that's short notice but to be fair, I texted you the date two weeks ago..."

Sirius cringed. "Sorry."

"It's fine. Do you think you can make it?" He sounded doubtful.

"Of course." Sirius wasn't sure. "I've been much better since I'm back on my meds. I can come." He forced himself to look up and shoot Alex a smile he hoped was convincing.

Alex mustered him thoughtfully and grabbed a chip. "It's in my old flat. You wouldn't believe how much more space is in there after moving most of my furniture."

The furniture you should have helped him move, you useless prick!

"I bet there is." Sirius' fingers curled around the edge of the countertop. "Will Avery be there?"

"Yeah, he said he can come."

Sirius nodded. Avery had been working at the McDonald's with them and while Sirius wasn't sure if he was in the mood for him at least he'd have someone else he knew there. Alex had a significantly more advanced social circle than him.

Alex ate another chip. "Have any beer?"

"Right below your ass," Sirius said, pointing at the crates.

Alex huffed. "Any beer that isn't piss-warm?"

Sirius peeled himself off the counter and went to grab two beers from the small fridge. Drinking was safe. Even if it was technically way too fucking early in the day to be opening any beers, and he had to work soon. But it may distract him from the chips.

He opened the beers using the other's crown cap as counter - a skill he had learned when the possession of something so mundane as a bottle opener had seemed way out of reach - and slid one across the table towards Alex.

Alex received it with a nod and offered him a chip in return. Sirius shook his head again and instead took a sip of his beer.

"If it's not the move then what's going on?"

Sirius shrugged as carelessly as possible. "Just a relapse."

"Just a relapse," Alex repeated with a snort. "Bad one?"

Sirius took another big swig. "It's fine, I'll go back to work today." The fries were staring at him.

"You had to stop working?"

"Just for the past weeks."

"Like that's nothing."

Now it was Sirius' turn to snort. "I've been worse."

"Bet you have been."

Great. Now he felt pathetic. Unable to keep his life together like Alex did. Alex with his degree and his new job in fucking France and with his whole, stable, fucking life. Alex who had many friends and still found time to hang out with the catastrophe of a man he had met working at a fast food chain. A guy that had never gotten his A-levels and could barely hold down a job in customer service. A guy that couldn't keep a fucking plant alive. A guy that couldn't even fucking eat because it was so bloody scary when -

With a defiant huff he pushed himself away from the counter again and sat decisively at the table. He would eat those damn fries. And he would keep them inside like a normal human being! That's what he'd do!

Sirius set his beer down on the table with a loud thump and grabbed a handful of fries. He wouldn't be defeated by a couple of bloody potato slices!

Greasy potato slices.

The voices immediately started hissing and whispering angrily as soon as he had swallowed the first bite. He chose not to listen. He could choose not to listen. He felt sick. Another handful of fries found their way into his mouth.

Pig.

"When does it start?," he asked a bit too loudly.

"When does what - "

"The party. Should I bring anything?"

"Seven-ish. And, no, I got it covered. You could bring a bottle of something though."

"I'll bring some Baileys then."

"I hate Baileys."

"That's why I'm bringing it."

"Git."

"Cunt." Sirius hadn't bothered to grab a fork to get started on the kebap meat. He didn't even like meat that much anymore. Couple years working in the fast food industry would do that to you...

"Have you called your psycho doc yet? About the relapse?"

"Of course I have, where do you think I got the risperidone from?"

Alex nodded slowly. "And you're sure it's not because of the move? Because - Because I told you and a week later you started ghosting me - "

"I didn't ghost you."

"You stopped answering my calls and didn't respond to my messages."

Sirius stared at his greasy fingers for a moment. Bathroom - No. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. But you can tell me, you know."

"What am I supposed to tell you?"

Alex looked at him quietly. "Whatever you need to talk about."

"I don't have anything to talk about. I'm happy for you." Sirius' stomach was starting to hurt but he kept eating. This was a mistake. He should have never started.

"Is there anything I can do?"

Don't fucking move, maybe?!

"No," he shot Alex a quick smile. "I'll be good."



***


"Not real?," Remus asked and shot James a concerned frown as they walked down the street, Peter trudging alongside them.

"I told you it was crazy! I mean - he even wanted to take a picture of me!"

Remus stopped. "What?!"

James turned towards him but kept walking backwards. "Relax, Mate! I don't think he got a good one. I kind of...took off after that." He paused. "Maybe I should have really called an ambulance or something."

"Rather the police, I'd reckon," Remus grumbled and started walking again.

"You shouldn't call the cops on people having a mental health crisis," Peter suddenly pitched in. Noticing the surprised looks of the other two, he quickly added: "Heather said that..."

"Ahh, Heather, huh? How's it going with her? Any luck yet?," James gave Peter's arm a playful punch that still made the other man whince.

"We're... still in the talking stage. She talks a lot."

"Well, she also seems to say pretty sensible things."

Remus sighed. "I just think that you should be careful. He could have hurt -"

James shut him up with a wave of his hand. "I can handle myself, Rem. And he didn't want to hurt me! If he wanted to he certainly could have done that when we - Well, we got pretty close..."

"Oh my God, did you kiss him?!," both his friends asked at the same time though with entirely different intonation.

"No! But he held my...my wrist for a bit."

"What? Why did you let him do that?," Remus asked, eyes wide in horror.

"He wanted to check if I'm real, I think."

"Bloody hell," Remus muttered.

"Did he still look so handsome?," Peter asked and kicked a stone down the pavement.

"Of course he did, Pete, he's not going ugly in two weeks!"

Remus shook his head. "That's not the point, that guy is clearly insane! Please tell me you are done going after him after this!"

James pulled his mouth into something  one could have described as a pout, if one wanted to get in trouble with him. "Yeah. Guess I am. But I mean..."

"You mean what?," Remus asked tensely.

"I still felt we had a - "

"Please don't say 'connection', James..."

"But we did!"

"Yeah, maybe he had! I mean, Heather and I -"

Remus shook his head sighing heavily. "Please, James. After last night you should really stay clear of this 'mysterious' guy. Connection or not."

"Yeah, yeah, I heard you! And I'm not gonna go look for him, okay? I promise. I don't think he's ready for much connection anyways." His heart felt a little heavy at that.

For the past two weeks the image of the handsome stranger had ripened and grown in James' mind. Many times he had imagined the conversation he figured they would have if he saw him again, theorized about what the guy's name might be, how he could ask him out, where they'd go on their first date - But after last night all of that had imploded. What had he expected, really?

James pushed his hands into the pockets of his jacket and pulled up his shoulders. It wasn't cold today but somehow he felt chilly. The picture of the stranger's face just wouldn't leave him alone. Those grey eyes. The way his touch had burned on his skin. How warm it had felt when he'd bumped into his chest - and for a moment all James had wanted to do was to pull him into his arms and never let go.

Maybe he should have done that. Maybe he should have called an ambulance. What if the guy had jumped after all? What if he had fallen into the channel and drowned and it was all his fault because he hadn't stayed?

"James?"

Peter's voice tore him out of his thoughts. He turned around to see that his friends where standing by the door of a café.

"We're there. That's the café."

"Oh," James walked back towards them. "Sorry, I was lost in thought for a second."

Thankfully Remus didn't have the chance to inquire upon that as Peter immediately started to chat about how Heather had shown him this place and how she always picked the matcha latte, but he didn't like matcha all that much. He still drank it everytime they went here, but today he'd take something different. How much fun it would be to be here with 'the lads' and if they wanted to go to the pub after.

Remus then gently reminded him that they were here to work on their respective term papers, while they searched for a free table in the small establishment.

Despite it being only the early afternoon, the café was quite crowded and filled with the animated chatter of couples, friends and families enjoying their drinks and cakes. It smelled delicious, but James had already decided what he would get. He never got anything else.

They finally managed to claim a small table in a corner and Remus and Peter sat down on the cushioned bench, leaving James with the chair that he just knew would have an uneven leg.

"What do you guys want? I'll buy," he offered regardless. Someone needed to stay here to keep the table and he didn't want to hear his friends opinions on what he would get. At least not before he got it.

"Oh, thank you!," Peter's eyes lit up at the prospect of a free drink. "The hazelnut frappuccino please!" And after a second of contemplation he added. "With oat milk."

Of course. Heather was a vegan. Would probably do Pete good, if James was honest.

He turned to Remus. "And you? Hot chocolate with extra sprinkles on top?"

Remus received James' grin with a fond smile and a sigh. "You know me too well. Do you think they have sprinkles?"

"They do!," Peter chimed in. "I think they are just for the kids drinks though -"

"Well, I'll just say it's for my son then," James gave Remus a wink and made his way towards the counter before he could receive any protest.



There was a short line in front of him, so James took a chance to take a look at the baked goods in the display. Not that he would get any, but maybe he could get Remus something.

He let his eyes wander across filled croissants, muffins and sandwiches - and froze when they reached the barista behind the counter.

It was him. The man from last night. Bridge guy. Handsome bridge guy, James noticed once more with a queasy feeling in his stomach. The person before him began to order.

Bridge guy was here! Well, so much for staying away from him... If that wasn't fate!

James almost shook his head to drive away the thought. Hadn't he just come to the conclusion that that guy was a psycho?

But he seemed pretty normal now, serving drinks and bagging sweet treats, sending a customer off with a smile. Such a beautiful smile.

He really looked rather normal right now. Dressed in a black longsleeve under a polo bearing the logo of the café, an apron tied around his narrow waist. Damn, that guy had quite a figure underneath his baggy clothes. James suddenly didn't feel chilly anymore at all.

When it was his turn he stepped forward, almost in a trance. Only the counter between him and bridge guy, who was still sorting the former customers cash into the register.

James' eyes got stuck on the name tag on his polo. Sirius. "Like the star?," he asked out loud, without thinking.

Sirius lifted his head, his eyes widening with shock for a moment, before he took a deep breath and put back the smile he had been wearing before. "James. What can I get you?"

"Oh," James was a bit thrown off by his question being so rudely ignored, but he could hardly blame Sirius for doing so after their last encounter. "One hazelnut frappuccino with oat milk, a hot chocolate with extra sprinkles and a large black coffee please."

Sirius' lips twitched. "You drink your coffe black?"

"How do you know that one's for me?"

Sirius' service smile had now completely turned into a mocking smirk. "Athlete lifestyle."

James felt himself blush. Why was he blushing?! This wasn't something to be embarrassed about! "I just don't want extra calories."

"That sounds... healthy."

James scoffed. "You're the one to talk. When was the last time you had a proper meal while sitting down, huh?"

Sirius mouth opened and closed, then he glared at James. It was a bit terrifying but it also made James' skin tingle pleasantly. Bullseye.

"You don't have to answer," James offered galantly, quite proud of his correct guess.

"I wasn't going to." Sirius turned towards the coffee machine behind him and began assembling the drinks.

James threw a look behind him but there was noone else waiting so he leaned against the counter with what he hoped looked like effortless coolness. "So. You're named after a star?," he tried again.

"My family has a weird obsession with astronomical names. I thought about changing it but I can't be bothered to fill out the paper work."

"You shouldn't change it. Sirius is a nice name. The brightest star on the nightsky."

Sirius sighed as if he had heard that one before. He still hadn't turned around once. James bit the inside of his cheek in frustration. What was he even doing here? Hadn't he concluded that it was better to stay away from this guy? He might seem normal now but he certainly wasn't.

And while he was still musing about his decision and what to say next, Sirius had already finished the three drinks and placed them onto the counter in a neat line. "Do you need a tray?"

"Uhm, no. I can do it."

Sirius gave him a doubtful look but shrugged and let James swipe his card to pay. James could feel his judging eyes on him while he tried to balance the drinks without burning himself.

"Is your name really James?"

James turned, two mugs and a cup akwardly in his hands. "Yes, it is and I'm still wondering how the fuck you know that."

"Honestly, I wonder that myself," Sirius murmured, then the smile was back on. "Enjoy your drink!"

James stood there looking at him for a moment, searching for another thing to say to just keep talking to him, but Sirius turned around and started wiping the countertops around the coffee machine. With a quiet sigh James peeled his eyes off of him and returned to Remus and Peter who had already opened their laptops.

"Got your drinks," he announced and slid the respective beverages over to his friends before sitting down himself. The chair immediately leaned to one side. Of course he got the wobbly one.

Remus gave him a smile and a nod. "Thanks."

"Got your sprinkles without further inquiry! And I was planning to get you a croissant or something but then I forgot...," he trailed off as he remembered what had distracted him.

Peter perked up. He had an eerily good sense for people holding back information. "What happened?"

James involuntary drew his shoulders up. "Well - the guy from the bridge. Looks like he works here."

"What?!" Peter and Remus both curiously turned their heads towards the counter.

"Pssh, no! Don't look!," James hissed at them, pushing his friends' heads back behind their screens. "I don't want him to think I'm weird!"

"You don't want him to think you're weird?," Remus asked sceptically and threw another, more subdued look towards Sirius.

"He seemed pretty normal now," James said defensively. "He might've just been on drugs last night!"

"Oh great, so he's not insane, he's just an addict," Remus said dryly. Peter took a sip from his frappuccino and looked between them like he was following a tennis match.

"You don't know if he's addicted! And even if he is - It's nothing I couldn't help him with."

"James," Remus said calm but firmly. "You can't keep trying to fix people. You're not a construction worker."

James snorted angrily. He hated it when Remus talked to him like that. As if he didn't know how to make good decisions!

He threw a cautious look over his shoulder at Sirius. He'd gone back to serving customers, looking way too fucking handsome with his long wavy hair tucked behind his pierced ears like that, slender fingers wrapped around paper cups.

"I mean, he is very good looking," Remus said behind him. "And he does indeed seem pretty normal right now, but - I just want you to be careful."

"I'm not a fucking kid, Rem."

"I wasn't trying to say that. I'm sorry."

James felt his anger dissipate. Though not entirely. "Besides that, I'm certainly not taking relationship advice from 'Mr. Ghosting my Tinder dates'!"

"I never ghosted anyone, I just... Made excuses not to go on dates until they stopped texting," Remus murmured in a small voice and nipped on his drink. A bit of whipped cream got stuck on his upper lip.

"Yeah because you can't comprehend that anyone likes you which is frankly ridiculous." James stirred in his cup to cool down the coffe a bit. "And I appreciate that you're worried about me but I can handle myself. I don't need you pitch in."

Maybe his words had still been a bit too rough because Remus sank further in on himself, nodded and pretended to be suddenly very focused on his laptop.

James sighed. "It's fine, mate. I'm not mad. Just - Take it down a notch, alright?"

Remus nodded again, but still didn't really look up.

Peter cleared his throat. "Soo, did you ask him out then?"

James shook his head. "Nah, I'm... I'm still not sure. I mean Remus does have a bit of a point. The whole thing last night was pretty odd but... Odd can also mean special, can't it?"

Remus reluctantly lifted his head again. "I just - I just don't know why you have to hook up with him out of all people. Don't you have enough offers by people who don't accuse you of being a hallucination?"

James gave his coffe another stir. "Yes, but.... You don't get it, Remus. He's just...different."

Remus quirked an eybrow and failed spectacularly at hiding his smirk. "Not like the other girls, huh?"

"Obviously not, he's a guy!"

Remus rolled his eyes, slowly unfurling back from his ducked position. "Yes, I know that. It was a joke. But the way you talk about him sounds eerily like the dudes who meet a strange girl with purple hair in the park once and then think they have met their soulmate."

"His hair is black, though. And I don't think Sirius is my soulmate, don't be ridiculous, we've barely even talked."

But he might be, James thought quietly to himself. How can that name be a coincidence?

Remus must have somehow read his mind because he decidedly crossed his arms. "Sirius?! Is that is name? James, be honest, are you so obsessed because he's named after a star?"

James felt his cheeks flush, feeling more than a little caught and took a deflective sip from his still too hot coffee.

Trying his best at hiding his burnt tounge, he protested: "I didn't even know his name before I saw his name tag today! I told you, it's something about him that I can't quite shake off... It's like - It's like I've known him forever."

Remus leaned his face into his hand and gave him a pressed smile. "You do what you think is right."

"I will," James said and unpacked his own laptop.



They spent the next half an hour in relative silence working on their papers, each focused on reading research papers, reviewing results or fixing typos in the sections they had already written. Well, at least Remus and Peter were. James couldn't really bring himself to think about his studies. Not that he really needed to anyways, he was pretty much finished already and had only tagged along because Peter had been so excited about showing them the café. Not that he wasn't glad that he had...

He kept glancing over to the counter as inconspicuously as possible. Sirius. Such an unusual name. It piqued his interest, Remus wasn't wrong about that, but so did everything else about this strange man who's lighter he had accidentally drowned in the channel last night...

Suddenly, a thought formed and quickly turned into an unbearable urge.

James shut his laptop. "Watch my stuff for a sec, yeah? I just need to make a run to the kiosk."

"The kiosk? What do you need from the kiosk?," Remus asked but James was already rushing out, down the road towards the small stall at the metro station.

It wasn't far from the café but James still ran all the way for a reason that he couldn't quite name himself. When he reached the kiosk he was already out of breath - he shouldn't have been so lenient with cardio training during the winter!

The elderly lady behind the register raised her brows at him. "In quite a hurry Lad?"

"Yes, 'mam. Do you have any lighters?"

"Do I have any lighters?," she asked incredulously, then gestured at a large rack of the aforementioned product that stood on the counter, right besides James' face.

"Ah," James shot her a bright smile. "Didn't notice what was right in front of me, huh?"

He took a closer look at the lighters, wondering which one Sirius might like. It wasn't like he knew much about him - and certainly not his favorite colour. The one he had dropped had been branded so James had the slight suspicion that Sirius hadn't picked it out for its offensive orange.

"What do you reckon I should get?"

The kiosk lady raised her brows even further. "It's a lighter, lad. Just grab one."

James pressed his lips into a line. This woman was incredibly unhelpful. This was a choice that mattered! If he picked the wrong colour, what would Sirius think of him?!

He finally settled on a red one with a yellow smiley face on it and, after pocketing his purchase and bidding kiosk lady goodbye, rushed back to the café.

Fiddling with the lighter in his pocket he made his way past the crowded tables towards the counter - and stopped in his tracks when he didn't see Sirius behind it but instead a young lady with green streaks in her hair.

He looked around frantically then saw Remus waving at him from the corner table, beckoning him to come over.

"He left."

"What?" James was still a little out of breath as he sank into his chair, somehow feeling throughly defeated.

"Your bridge guy," Peter explained. "His shift must have ended. He walked out the door five minutes ago."

"Five minutes?," James perked up. "Which direction? Maybe I can catch him!"

Remus gave him a look as he lifted himself off the chair again.

Peter shook his head apologetically. "Sorry I think he took the bus." He pointed at the bus stop across the street.

James dropped back and groaned. "Fuck!"

"What's so important?," Remus asked. "What did you want from him?"

James considered telling Remus the truth. That he got him a lighter and had kind of hoped to use it as a conversation starter. But then he could already imagine what Remus' answer to that would be, so why bother telling him?

He just shook his head. "It's not important. Let's just get back to work."

Maybe he'd just have to come back another time...



***


"You saw him again?," Pommy asked, pouring creamer into her tea.

Sirius nodded, fingers wrapping around the familiar mug. Pommy always gave him that mug when he dropped by. It had a little mouse on it and a slightly concerning crack at the handle but it always brought him a sense of comfort. And oh boy, did he need some comfort right now.

After seeing James again he had done his best to keep his composure and finish his shift but ultimately he had called Cristie to take over for him. He'd told her that it was an emergency - which technically wasn't even a lie. He needed to talk to Pommy about this. But if his boss found out... that would be a fun conversation.

Pommy - or Miss Sprout if you wanted to anger her - was a social worker who had specialized in what people called troubled youths and Sirius had been more than just troubled when she met him the first time. After many attempts and much talking she had gotten him to move into a therapeutic living community and they had stayed in touch ever since. Sirius trusted noone like he trusted her.

He pulled out his phone and showed Pommy the pictures that he probably shouldn't have sneakily taken from behind the counter - but what could he do. "He showed up at my work! He ordered for his friends and then they stayed. I got a proper picture this time, look!"

The blurry image he had managed to take on the bridge had been of little help. This could have been anyone. It could have been himself for all he knew. But these pictures were clear. And James' face was exactly like it had been on the bridge. Or in the mirror, back then.

He looked at Pommy expectantly. "Do you see him too?"

Her bushy brows drew together until they were almost touching while she leaned over the phone. "I do see a man."

"What does he look like," Sirius asked nervously, absentmindedly chewing on a hangnail on his ringfinger.

"He's got dark hair and glasses and he's wearing one of these red college jackets." Pommy looked up. "He looks a bit like an arrogant prick to be honest."

Sirius grinned. "Yeah that's him." Then his face fell. "But what does that mean? I - This is him from back then!"

"Maybe you think that's what he looked like," Pommy said gently. "But can you really be sure?"

Sirius shook his head violently. "I am sure! I never forgot him! He's -," he took a moment to calm back down and wiped his hands on his trousers. "And I knew his name. How could I have known his name if it's not him?"

Pommy frowned thoughtfully. "That doesn't make sense..."

Sirius ran his fingers through his hair. "Right?! I don't - What am I supposed to do? I thought if I just talk to him, maybe I would be able to break through it and the hallucinations will stop - But he isn't a hallucination at all, isn't he?"

"That's not for me to decide," Pommy said carefully.

"But you can see him!".

"On the picture, yes. But for all I know, this could just be a random customer - "

Sirius threw himself back into the chair in frustration. "You don't believe me!"

"I believe that you think you're telling me the truth, but -" She was interrupted by Sirius' groan and put a calming hand on his arm. "But you know your illness is tricky."

Sirius buried his face in his hands, trying to hold back tears. Of course he knew. It was hard making others trust him if he couldn't even trust himself.

"But what do I do?," he asked, tears already welling up in his eyes despite his resistance. "I can't - What if he keeps showing up? I can't quit my job, I can't go back to - "

Pommy dragged her chair around the table with a loud screech and pulled him into a warm hug. "It's gonna be alright, lad. No matter what, I'm always gonna be here to figure things out with you, okay?"

Sirius sobbed into her soft shoulder. "I don't want to go back to the clinic."

She gently brushed her hand over his hair. "I know, laddie. I know. But you have to trust your doctor, okay? Promise me you will?"

Sirius pressed his forehead against her chest, his whole body shaking with fear and desperation. He didn't want to promise her because then he would have to actually keep it. And he couldn't keep it if his psychiatrist wanted him to go back to the psych ward. Not if he wanted to stay alive - which was also something he had promised her...

"I'll try," he offered and sniffed.

"That's good enough for me."

Chapter Text

A bottle of Baileys tucked under his arm and a bottle of Gin hidden under his leather jacket Sirius ascended the stairs up to Alex' flat. Alex' old flat. The one he'd be leaving soon. Sirius' stomach twisted into a knot and his grip around the bottle in his hand tightened.

His fingers were trembling when he pressed the button of the doorbell and he shook his hand in frustration. He shouldn't be here. It had already been a challenge to peel himself out of bed today. Going to work had drained the last bits of cheerfulness out of him, made his face hurt from forced smiles and his ears from the chatter of the customers and screeching of the coffee machine. So the prospect of spending his next hours socialising with strangers instead of crawling back into his bed didn't exactly lighten his mood. But he could hardly let Alex down. Not again.

The door swung open and Sirius' ears were immediately confronted with way too much noise. He still put on a smile for his friend and dangled the Baileys in front of his nose. "Brought your favorite!"

Alex pulled a disgusted face and snatched the bottle from Sirius' hand. "Wanker."

"Aw, you too mate!" Sirius flashed him a smile - a genuine one this time - and pushed past him towards the kitchen, where he revealed his secret present.

Alex snorted and slapped his back in thanks. "That's more like it!" He grabbed the Gin bottle and added it to the growing array of liquor bottles on the kitchen counter.

Sirius turned and threw a wary look at the crowd in the opposite living room. He had known that Alex had a bunch of friends but this was a lot. He already felt weary.

"Drink?" Alex offered him a paper cup that smelled offensively of tequila.

"Gotta work tomorrow, I'll just take a beer," Sirius said and gently pushed Alex' hand to the side.

Alex shrugged, necked the drink with one smooth movement and threw the cup into an open trashbag. He seemed like he'd had a few of these already.

"Ooooi, Blackie!" A hand slapped onto Sirius' shoulder and Avery's freckled face popped up in his peripheral vision. The loud voice made him flinch. He needed that beer urgently.

"Glad you made it!," Avery cheered and lifted his own bottle in greeting.

"Wouldn't miss this in the world," Sirius said dryly. "Know where I can get one of those?" He pointed at the beer, looking around the pointedly fridge-less kitchen for Alex, but the host had already wandered back into the living room.

"Sink," Avery said and pointed at the kitchen sink that had been halfway filled with crushed ice. "And there's cake."

Sirius threw a cautious glance over to the small buffet that was spread across the kitchen counters. "Hmm, yeah I ate at work. Not hungry," he lied and fished a wet bottle from the sink.

James' last appearance had catapulted him into a state he hadn't been in since he'd lived on the street. One thing had kicked off another and soon he'd found himself floored by a wave of habits he'd been sure he'd gotten rid off years ago. Since that fateful Monday he'd been late for every shift because his head just wouldn't let him leave his flat without checking one last time. He hadn't been able to sleep properly, his thoughts ruminating, wondering if James would show up again. He'd spend hours after work on the bridge, almost yearning to see him again, as if that somehow could make everything okay again. As if it hadn't been the reason things were not okay in the first place. And then there was the food...

Sirius had barely been able to keep anything down since the incident with the fries. The only thing that worked were cucumbers and plain toast, everything else made him spiral. He wanted to eat, so badly actually. But when he did, it made him feel awful, disgusted and downright sad. Sirius had never really been able to explain it to anyone - but he also rarely had tried. And he certainly hadn't tried in the past week, having cancled all his therapy sessions.

Pommy wouldn't like this but Pommy also didn't need to know. And it wasn't like he was never going back. He just needed a break. It was all too much.

Avery was talking to him as they walked over to the living room but Sirius barely heard him. He felt so fucking tired...

Alex had apparently moved everything but his couch out of the flat already, so the guests were sitting on the floor and windowsills and everything else that could be used as a chair. Sirius dropped himself onto an empty paint bucket, sipping on his beer, trying his best to hide the turmoil in his head.

"So how have you been?" Avery's question cut through the fog of his perception, acutely reminding him that he was in fact here and not just a ghost observing the party from the outside.

"Good," he answered automatically. It had been a mistake to come here.

His eyes caught onto the people sitting in the open windows. Not a very safe choice up in the third story...

Push them, Sirius heard a familiar voice hissing into his ear. He shook his head and grabbed the cold bottle in his hand a little tighter.

"No?," Avery asked in surprise. Sirius looked up. Apparently he had missed another question.

"Sorry, what did you say?"

"Do you have a lighter?," Avery repeated louder as if that had been the reason Sirius hadn't heard him.

Sirius pulled the scratched up green Bic lighter from his pocket and handed it over. "But bring it back, this is already my backup one."

"Aye." Avery saluted and vanished towards the door.

Sirius had always complained that Alex' flat had no balcony and he didn't let anyone smoke by the window. "It still smells like a fucking ashtray in here," he had said. Having to walk down and up the stairs everytime had always annoyed the shit out of him.

It was odd seeing Alex' place so empty. And with so many people in it. Sirius barely knew any of them. As his eyes briefly got caught on a darkhaired man with glasses his pulse shot up - only to slowly drop back down when he saw the rest of his face.

Not James. Of course not, why would he be here.

The whole James thing was so odd... Was he really real? He must be - Sirius had never had any visual hallucinations. Well, not apart from the mirror thing back then, of course. But if James was just a regular, real, person, then how did Sirius know his name? And why did he keep showing up? At his work, even!

Did this guy maybe know about his past somehow? Maybe he was some crazy stalker who used his resemblance to Sirius' childhood psychosis as a way to manipulate him!

Sirius' skin crawled at the thought. His fingernails dug into the skin of his other arm. What if James - or whatever his name might be - was after him? What if he was just trying to gain his trust and then -

He'll kill you.

Sirius shook his head again, but he felt faint and queasy. Maybe the guy in the corner was James after all? Could he have followed him here, only waiting for an opportunity to -

"You're a System of a Down fan?"

Startled, Sirius looked up at the man standing in front of him pointing at his shirt, a crooked smile on his face.

"It was on sale at H&M," Sirius said bluntly, quickly got up and fled back to the kitchen. He was not about to be hit on right now.

The whispers in his ears grew louder.

He's here. You need to run. He will kill you. James is not real. He can't save you.

Sirius bumped into the kitchen counter and pushed his hands into the ice filled sink. The coldness shot up his arms, slowly clearing up the frantic fuzz in his head until it was just a quiet, yet unsettling hum in the back of his mind.

He knew what this was. He knew these kinds of thoughts. They would make no fucking sense in hindsight but right now they did. He pressed his palms against the bottom of the sink, feeling the small scratches in the stainless steel, his eyes fixed at the grout of the tiles in front of him.

Breathe in.

Noone wanted to kill him. James wasn't here. And James...

Breathe out.

James also didn't want to kill him. Deep down he just knew that that guy had no ulterior motives. That he was safe. And that he wanted to see him again...

Breathe in.

He'll kill you, the voice sneered.

So what?, Sirius thought defiantly. Then let him. It's not like I love being alive. So shut the fuck up.

Breathe out.

And it did. Suddenly he could hear the chatter of the other guests properly again, felt the cold sting on his skin. It didn't always work out this nicely...

Relieved, Sirius pulled his arms out the ice water and dried his arms off with some kitchen roll. His heart was still beating too fast and he felt shaky. He reached into his pockets for his cigs and then spent a confusing moment searching for his lighter, before he remembered Avery had took it. With a groan he pushed the cigarette back into the pack and raked his fingers through his hair. He just wanted to go home. But he'd barely arrived.

A couple had entered the kitchen and was helping themselves to some cake. Sirius felt his stomach grumble.

Hungry little pig.

Sirius flinched. He could just eat some. He was really hungry. And the cake looked really good...



Thirty minutes later Sirius' stomach felt like it might tear apart any second. He had not just had a bit of cake. Instead he'd had four slices, a whole salami pizza, half a bag of crisps and the remains of the homemade potato salad some overmotivated guest had brought in a tupperware box.

So things had gone great.

He wrapped his arms around himself and pressed the small of his back against the edge of the kitchen counter to keep himself grounded. He could do this. This was fine. Yes, he had eaten a bit much, but so what?

You'll get fat.

Doesn't matter, Sirius thought grimly. Noone sees my body anyways.

Pathetic little slug.

Tears stung in his eyes. He was such a terrible person. He shouldn't have been so greedy. And he hadn't even tasted the food properly. Why was he like this?

Throw up.

He dug his fingertips into his sides and bit his teeth. He wouldn't do that! That would be such a waste.

Someone laughed mockingly next to him, but when he turned there was noone there. Lovely. His heart rate picked back up again. Something inside him wanted to drop to the floor and wail like a child.

Pathetic. This time the voice was louder. Just keep eating like that and soon you won't be able to fit through the doors.

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut. That's an awful thing to say, he thought, trying to pin down the voice that was snickering in his ears. You would not say that to anyone else.

Oh I would, his mother responded coldly. And you clearly need to hear it before it is too late.

"Ah there you are! Here's your lighter back. See, didn't forget it!," Avery shouted at him unnecessarily loud from the door. He held the lighter out for Sirius to grab and peered past him at the buffet. "Whoa, where did all the food go?!"

Sirius pushed past him. The bathroom better not be occupied right now.



It was not. Sirius slammed the door shut behind him and dropped onto the rim of the bathtub. He didn't want to do this. It was bad.

You've always been a bad child, so why stop now?

Shut up!, he almost said out loud and pressed his hands over his ears.

Just undo what you've done.

Sirius just wanted it to be quiet. He wanted to be at home in his bed. Why had he come here? Why had he eaten? He shouldn't have eaten, he didn't deserve it. He was such an awful person, bringing nothing and taking so much. He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be here at all...

Almost ceremoniously he knelt down in front of the toilet. It needed to be done. It would all be okay again, after.



It was not. Not exactly. His mind had quieted down, yes. But he still felt anxious, and now he also felt additionally bad because he had caved in. Again. Why did he even go to therapy when he was unable to stick to his tools when it mattered?

His throat was burning and he felt shaky. He just wanted to go home, eventhough he already knew what the dissapointed look on Alex' face would do to him before he saw it.

"Already?," Alex asked. His tone was blank but he was drunk and then he was always a little less unreadable. Sirius really wished he wasn't right now.

He nodded. "I'm sorry, gotta get up early tomorrow."

"Doesn't your shift start at 2pm?" Alex frowned and took a swig from his cup.

Sirius rubbed his neck. "Yeah, but I - "

"It's fine," Alex said quickly. "See you soon, okay?" He slapped Sirius' shoulder and went to the kitchen for a refill.

Sirius wanted to go after him. Tell him that he was sorry. Tell him the truth. Then tell him he was sorry once more.

But he did none of these things. Alex would be alright without him. He shouldn't make things about himself all the time. And so he quickly grabbed his jacket and left, exchanging cheerful chatter for the sound of his boots hitting the pavement. He just wanted to go home, curl up and never get up again. He wanted to talk to James...

And for the hundreds time this week he found himself wishing he still had the mirror. As if he could actually talk to James through that. As if he didn't know better now.

But the mirror was gone and so was James and he'd probably never see that odd real James again. He'd probably weirded him out sufficiently.

Oddly, Sirius found that that thought stung. It made his eyes tear up and his breath hitch stupidly. He dropped onto the bench at the bus station and buried his face in his hands.

Pathetic.

"Shut up," he whinced and sniffed. But maybe the voice was right. Maybe he was being pathetic. Useless. Meaningless. Why was he even still here...

But he couldn't give up. He had promised Pommy. And Sirius didn't think that anyone would truly mourn him when he died - except her. Somehow he was sure that she would. And somehow that thought was worse than the prospect of staying alive.

Sirius took a couple deep breaths and pressed his feet purposefully into the soles of his boots. He was here. And he would stay. And maybe one day, he would have ice cream.

A hollered "Oi!" followed by a salve of obnoxious kissy noises made Sirius look up. Right into the sneering faces of three very drunk young men. Their uniform buzzcuts and red faces told Sirius everything he needed to know.

He wiped his tears on his sleeve and got up with a weary sigh to unfold to his full height. "Can I help you?"

The one that had gotten way too fucking close to him recoiled in disgust. "You're a dude?!"

Sirius looked down at the guy, who stood a good three inches shorter than him and was clearly unhappy about it. "What do you reckon, toesucker?"

The red of the man's face intensified. "Fucking tranny! You're fucking everywhere now!"

"Yeah, cut your fucking hair man!," one of his friends backed him up and kicked the pavement. The third man spat at Sirius' feet in support, missing spectacularly and instead hitting the heels of guy number one.

Sirius crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow. It wasn't the first time this happened to him - not by far. And he knew he shouldn't start something with these flatheads, especially not if he felt like he did right now. But he wanted to...

"Some of us have to make up for the lack of hair on others."

The second guy ran a hand across his shaved head. "Oi! What's that supposed to mean huh?!"

"Yeah, you want to mess with us, faggot?," the first one asked and took a ballsy step forward. He smelled of sweat and cheap beer.

"Not particularly but, you see, you come here, you hit on me, then you call me slurs - and you all look like you could do with some facial rearrangement," Sirius gestured vaguely at the three men. He really really shouldn't. But it was too late now.

The first fist flew towards him without further warning and he barely managed to dodge it, only to dive right into the path of the second one, originating from spit-guy. Sirius felt the dull pain spread across the left side of his face. It was almost comforting. Familiar.

Guy number one had used Sirius' short period of disorientation to grab a hold of his arm and was trying to push him to the ground. Sirius let him, but simultaneously swung his boot into the man's abdomen and sent him flying over his head, right into the glass wall of the bus stop. Sirius didn't have time to check if the impact had knocked him out as intended - he was too busy evading the furious kicks of guy number two who had apparently found his calling in doing just that. Sirius barely managed to roll away to the side before spit-man could add himself into the mix. He bumped his shoulder as he fell down the curbside but came back onto his feet.

"If you get into trouble you should run. You're just a kid. And no offense but you don't exactly look like you can do much damage Padfoot." Sirius still remembered the sneer on Bucket's face when he had handed him another tissue to stuff into his bleeding nose.

Bucket had only meant well. And he'd been probably right. But it had angered him, back then when he'd really been just a kid that couldn't do much damage. He had sworn himself right then to grow up into something else. And he had.

Sirius ran. But not away from his attackers but right towards them. Why not finish what he'd started?

A grim smile crept onto his face, as he collided with kick guy, swinging an arm around the back of his neck pulling him right down into his knee. A satisfying crack let him know that he had met his target.

Sirius dropped the groaning man as an arm wrapped around his neck from behind, an akwardly angled fist slamming first into his face, then into his side. Instinctively he threw himself forward, loading the attacker onto his back before turning abruptly causing him to tumble onto the pavement. A calculated kick later spit-man was spitting blood and curling up at his feet.

Sirius wiped his suspiciously wet feeling nose- and spun around quickly as he heard steps approach from behind.

"Woah stop, I'm here to help!," the short man with a full head of curly hair yelped, as Sirius' fist stopped only centimeters from his round face.

Sirius let his arm drop, looking the new arrival up and down. "Help with what?"

Curls pointed at the incapacitated men. "Those. They harassed me earlier and I thought you might be in trouble."

"Got it covered."

"I can see that."

Sirius took a quick look around. Better to go now before any of these twats got back up. Or the cops showed up... He turned and walked towards the train station. Not the quickest way home but definitely the better option right now.

What if they die?

Steps followed him. "You're catching the train?"

Sirius shot the stranger a look. "Yeah. Want to tag along or what?"

"If you don't mind." Curls had to speed up his steps to keep up with Sirius. "I'm Karl by the way."

"Charmed," Sirius said blankly. His mind was a loud mess.

If they die it's your fault.

I don't care.

Of course you don't. You're terrible.

They deserved it.

They'll arrest you and then they'll take you back. Declare you insane.

Shut up.

Sirius balled his hands into fists. He looked over to Karl. He was wearing a worn down brown suit and a loose red ascot. He looked odd, like he had spawned in the wrong timeline.

"Do you have a phone?," Sirius asked doubtfully.

"Yes of course!" Karl frowned a bit bewildered. "Do you - do you want to call the cops?" He sounded delightfully unhappy about his own proposal.

Sirius scrunched up his nose. It hurt. "Maybe send an ambulance their way?"

Karl nodded and pulled out a surprisingly modern looking phone.

"I don't want them to trace the call back to my phone," Sirius explained but Karl just shrugged.

"Don't worry, I don't plan to get you into trouble. Suppose police isn't necessarily your best friend." He gestured vaguely at Sirius' face.

Sirius frowned and was about to ask what the fuck that was supposed to mean when he remembered that he didn't look exactly white. Having roots in the middle east was indeed not the greatest footing when dealing with British officers, but he often forgot, having been raised by parents who ingrained it so deeply into his brain that he was English and nothing else even if the hue of his skin and the dark black of his hair spoke a different language.

Still, he shrugged dismissively. "I just don't want to deal with any questioning. I've had enough of a night..." He shoved his hands into the pockets of his trousers and sped up his steps. Karl was trailing behind him, speaking to the dispatcher on his phone and clearly ignoring all questions about his name.



When they entered the train and sat down across from eachother, Karl's phone had vanished back into the inside of his suit jacket and they had dropped into silence. 

Sirius glanced at his peculiar acquaintance. "Why are you dressed like that?"

Karl looked down on himself. "Oh, I just like to look representable at the plenum."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "You're in politics?"

Karl shrugged. "Not really, I'm just organizing at - " He stopped himself and mustered Sirius critically. "You're not a Tory, are you?"

Sirius had never been this insulted in his entire life. Karl apparently noted his repulsion and nodded slowly. Then he reached into his jacket and handed Sirius a leaflet and a stack of stickers.

"I'm in the local antifa group. We meet every Tuesday and Friday in the Hogs Head. That's next to the - "

"I know where the Hogs Head is." Sirius snatched stickers and pamphlet from his hand.

The Hogs Head wasn't exactly an official pub. Located in the downstairs of an occupied house, only accessible if you knew what window well to descend into, it wasn't something you just walked into on a Saturday night bender. But Sirius had gotten to know many of such locations, back when he had come over to the city from Port Talbot. Before Pommy had found him.

He skimmed over the text on the leaflet.

"Drop by if you like," Karl said. "We are always welcoming new members and I think you wouldn't be a bad addition."

Sirius snorted. "I don't know if you want to involve me in your infighting arguments. I have a tendency to make things worse."

Karl shrugged again. "Do as you see fit. But I'll let them know your name next time I'm there."

They know my name, Sirius thought, but Karl didn't have to know that he had been speaking from first hand experience.

The train stopped and Karl rose from his seat. "A pleasure to meet you - " He stopped when he realised that he in fact did not know Sirius' name. "What do you go by?"

Sirius shot him a faint smile. "Padfoot."

Karl's brows drew together but he nodded and then quickly jumped off before the doors closed. Sirius eyes followed him as he walked down the platform, the train slowly beginning to move.



Sirius took a deep breath, savouring the crisp night air as he exited the train station. Karl's leaflets and the stickers had found a spot in the inner pockets of his jacket, in between chewing gum, a broken pen and an empty packet of cigarettes.

He hadn't meant to drop by the bridge today but now that he was already here he might as well smoke one.

Sirius reached into his pocket - only to remember that he hadn't taken his lighter back from Avery. He rolled his eyes with a sigh - and froze when he saw a familiar figure standing in his usual spot.



***



James was hammered. Maybe four vodka sodas on an empty stomach had been three too many... He shouldn't have turned down that pre-gaming kebab that the lads had before they went to the club but he had already used up his calories for the day.

He'd burn some off dancing, surely, but he was also adding additional ones with the drinks. And he'd probably would have to skip his workout tomorrow, so he really didn't have a lot of leeway if he wanted to stick to the plan. And James was set on sticking to the plan.

He'd started going to the gym to stay fit during off-season, when rugby training was only once a week, but it had become such a habit that he was now going three times a week even between classes and training.

It was good for him, he had argued, when his parents had expressed concern about how busy he was all the time. He still spent a significant time of the day sitting and studying and once he was finished with his masters degree he'd be sitting even more. A physics degree didn't necessarily open doors to physically [hahah] active career paths.

And James just liked staying fit. He liked getting his energy out, lest he'd feel restless and antsy, and he also liked the looks it was getting him whenever he took his shirt off or went for a jog in his rugby shorts.

His looks had scored him many first dates - though they rarely resulted in relationships. James wasn't looking for the kind of people who sought him out solely for his six-pack. He liked people with depth and intellect. People that challenged him instead of pandering to his ego - even James himself was aware that he had enough of that -, people that had their own lives but still wanted to share it with him. People that seemed like they didn't need him, but still did. He liked to be needed, secretly, quietly. He liked the little rush it gave him when he made his person feel better.

Often enough this had lead him into less than healthy relationships, where James found himself with someone who needed him a little too much and did in fact not have their own life at all. Things he probably could have seen coming right from the start but only ever realised in hindsight. Because if James had locked in on someone, he would give his all to please them and he could barely see anyone else, sometimes not even himself.

And so he hadn't really paid much attention to the gals and guys at the club trying to flirt with him, but had gotten excited at multiple points during the night, whenever he caught a glimpse of long dark waves between the dancing bodies. Only to be dissapointed seconds later when he realised that the hair didn't belong to Sirius. It never did.

He had intended to go back to the café this week, to hand over the lighter and for another chance to talk to his bridge-guy who now had a name. And what a name he had...

But between three uni assignments, a rugby game on wednesday and his gym days being pushed back to the end of the week due to aforementioned game he simply hadn't found the time to drop by again.

James' fingers wrapped around the lighter in his pocket as he staggered down the empty street towards the train station.

He had left the club early, but if he wanted any chance to maybe, possibly, be able to go to the gym tomorrow he couldn't stay into the wee hours like he'd done when he'd been fresh out of school. Plus he had started to feel really fucking unwell. Plus he would pass the bridge on his way home... And the chance of meeting Sirius there had become a little too enticing to stay in the club that had been so depressingly devoid of it. Sirius didn't seem like a club goer to James.

His heart sped up along with his steps as he crossed the street and stepped on the bridge. But it was empty.

With a sigh, James dropped against the railing. He should probably just catch the next train and get himself home, but he was feeling dizzy and like his head was spinning, so maybe a few additional minutes getting fresh air would help to sober him up a little more. He leaned his arms onto the railing and looked down into the dark water.

It makes sense that Sirius comes here, he thought. It was so serene. After the exhilarating atmosphere and ear drum bursting music of the club, the silence out here was soothing his brain. In the distance he heard a train rattle along the nearby rails.

James raised his eyes to the sky. It was overcast today, there were no stars to be seen. Not even the moon, just the reflection of the city lights on the thick clouds.

No stars tonight, James thought. Not in the sky and not down here either... He shook his head at himself. Sometimes his own cheesiness caught him by surprise.

"Need a light?," a taunting voice suddenly asked from behind.

James spun around, delightfully startled.

"Not anymore!," he answered before thinking. He could have slapped himself.

Sirius sniggered, all haughtiness wiped away by something James was sure must be his version of a fond smile.

James' own smile, however, slipped off his face as he noticed Sirius' injuries. Dried blood was sticking to the bottom of his nose and lip and a large purple bruise was blooming on his left cheek. He had to hold onto the railing to stop himself from reaching out to touch it.

"What happened?!, Do you need me to call an ambulance?," he asked instead.

Sirius laughed again. "Why do you always want me hospitalized, Potter? I'm fine. I just got into a little...altercation."

"Altercation, huh?" James rose his eybrows sceptically. But Sirius didn't seem to be inclined to elaborate further and mustered him instead.

"What are you doing here?"

"I was kinda hoping to see you," James answered truthfully.

Sirius cocked his head. "You aren't a crazy stalker, are you?"

"Me?!," James spluttered indignantly. "You're the one that knows my fucking government name for some reason!"

Sirius crossed his arms. "Yeah, but you showed up at my work."

"That was a coincidence! My mate dragged me there!"

"So you don't want to murder me?," Sirius asked, sounding a little playful now. Or at least James hoped he did.

"What? No, why would I? Also, if I was a murderer I'd probably not pick a guy that's six foot four!"

"I am not six foot four, mate, I think you are overestimating your own height."

Now James crossed his arms too, instantly regretting to have given up the balance his tight brace on the railing had provided him. "I'm six-two, so you're at least -"

Sirius snorted. "I'm six-two, sorry to burst your bubble, darling."

The word was said with so much sarcasm that there was no doubt that it was more insult than pet name. It still made James' heart stumble.

Sirius waited a moment for a quip-back, then his expression softened a little. "Also those boots have thick soles, it makes me taller. You're not that much shorter, don't worry."

James scoffed. "I wasn't worried, I know how tall I am!" He straightened up to prove his point but his eyes were still stressfully level with the tip of Sirius' nose. Which also happened to give him a great view of his lips...

He swallowed and leaned back again, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket, maybe feeling a tiny bit flustered. His fingers bumped into something, reminding him why he had wanted to see Sirius in the first place.

James pulled out the lighter from his pocket. "Here, I got this for you. Since I made you drop your last one."

Sirius stared down at the lighter, his frown only interrupted by the smile tugging at his lips. "What's with the smiley face?"

James shrugged. "It looked friendly."

Sirius snorted a laugh but then reached for it. His fingers brushed against James' hand so softly, it made his skin tingle. Sirius ran his thumb over the wheel, lighting it up.

"Thank you," he said quietly, eyes fixed on the flame. The fire flickered in his grey eyes reminding James of the fireplace in his parent's house.

Noone should be allowed to be this beautiful, he thought.

Sirius took his finger off the lever and the flame vanished again. "You know I own more than one lighter though right? I mean, I appreciate the effort but you didn't have to."

James suddenly felt awfully embarrassed. The lighter had supposed to be a conversation starter but right now was hardly the right moment to be making moves on Sirius, was it?

"Uh - yes I know," he dug his hands into his pockets. "I just felt bad about it."

Sirius looked up, the sudden eye contact felt like an electric shock.

"You didn't have to. Feel bad about it, I mean. I didn't even buy it, I nicked it at a pub once."

James laughed. "Knew it."

Sirius raised an amused eyebrow and crossed his arms. "That I'm a thief?"

"Well, you stole my - " James barely stopped himself before he could say heart. It was way too early for that kind of joke. But regardless, it was a little true... "My words - because I don't know what to say," he said, lamely, trying to fix what could be saved.

Sirius' lips twitched again. "I figured you wouldn't need all of them. Sharing is caring, James."

James laughed, because he - indeed - did not know what to say. After a moment of akward silence and a look at the growing bruise on Sirius' cheek he asked: "You're sure you don't need to go to a hospital?"

Sirius snorted. "No. I'm fine, it doesn't even hurt."

James caught himself again wanting to reach out to touch it, to run his fingers gently across Sirius' skin - but it was too early for that as well. His head felt like it was swimming.

"Do you - do you want to smoke one?," James asked and leaned against the railing of the bridge.

Sirius raised an eybrow. "I thought you don't smoke."

"Yeah, but you do. I thought - maybe we could share one?"

What?! Why had he said that? What kind of suggestion was that?!

"I thought you don't smoke," Sirius repeated, an amused smile tugging at his lips, and dropped himself smoothly against the railing next to him. He looked so gorgeous. James was too drunk for this.

"I don't," James said. He couldn't take his eyes off of Sirius' lips. So perfectly full. "But I might make an exception for you."

Sirius' eyebrow rose again, as he pulled out a cigarette and lit it before offering it to James.

He used my lighter, James thought and reached for the cigarette, taking a careful drag. He still ended up coughing.

Sirius laughed next to him, James felt his fingers graze against his as he took the cig back. "I think you should stick to being the healthy example, mate."

James shot him a forced smile. He suddenly felt very nauseous. He was indeed way too drunk for this. And the ashy taste that now lingered on his tounge didn't help.

"You're alright?," Sirius asked. His tone had shifted to something a little more concerned than amused. "You look like you're gonna throw up."

James shook his head and reached out for the cig again. It had been between Sirius' lips just seconds ago, and he knew this was silly, but his own were already tingling in anticipation. "I'm fine."

Sirius frowned. "You don't look fine."

"Oh please," James laughed, though a bit weakly. "I know I look perfectly fine." He followed his joke with what he hoped was a flirty wink but he might have just closed both eyes at the same time, because he could hear Sirius chuckle again.

"You're gonna throw up."

"No," James protested and held out his hand again.

"Fine, at your own risk."

James took another drag - no bloody way he would make such a fool out of himself in front of Sirius! - and immediately started coughing again.

Sirius snatched the cigarette and took a step back, and before James could wonder why, his stomach emptied its contents onto the pavement in front of him, missing Sirius' shoes only by inches.

"Called it," Sirius said blankly, but a moment later James' felt a soothing hand on his shoulder. "You're alright?"

James nodded but wasn't able to quite look up. His head was spinning and he felt like he might throw up again any second.

"You should sit down, come on." Sirius lead him away from the puddle of his puke and sat him down at the curbside, sinking down next to him, blowing smoke into the night air seemingly entirely unbothered.

"I'm sorry," James mumbled into his palms. Ugh - this was so embarrassing.

"It's fine. But you're not allowed any more smoking!"

James laughed wetly. His nose was running and his his hands were shaking a little. He just wanted to be in his bed.

"Do you have money for a cab? I can call you one," Sirius offered.

"Don't know if any cabs will take me in this state."

"An ambulance then?"

"Don't be daft, I'm alright."

"Horse carriage?"

James laughed, and swallowed the bile that immediately rose back into his throat at the movement. "Wouldn't say no to that!"

"I'll call my fairy godmother then." He could basically hear Sirius' smirk.

James stared at the tips of his shoes. He was incredibly dizzy, getting back up on his feet felt like an impossible task. But he needed to get home somehow! He let his forehead drop onto his knees.



He must have dozed off and Sirius must have indeed made a call, because James suddenly felt himself getting lifted to his feet and led to a car. It was an Opel Corsa in an offensive shade of green. The stout woman who had a steady grip of his arm smelled of black tea and lavender.

James threw a look over his shoulder, seeing Sirius wave at him. He should probably not get into that car. Remus wouldn't like that...

He still sat down compliantly into the plush seat covers and told the woman his address. She didn't look like a kidnapper, at least not to James' fuzzy mind. He just wanted to get home.

And he did. Another confusing and unwanted nap later he found himself in front of his uni accomodation, the strange lady helping him get out of the car.

"You can get upstairs yourself, lad?"

James nodded and - for some reason - tapped his hand to his temple in salute. "Thank you ma'am."

The fairy godmother laughed a deep and friendly laugh. "You're welcome - James." Then she got back into her car and drove off.

James turned and started the daunting ascend into his dorm. Surely this would all make more sense tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Sirius woke up with a headache and to the sound of pigeons making a ruckus below his bedroom window. Sun was flooding into his room through the open door and the air smelled of summer.

It took a moment for him to remember what had happened last night. He slowly sat up and carefully touched his face. Yeah, that was definitely swollen... Yawning, he lumbered over to the bathroom to inspect the damage in the mirror.

It looked bad. His left eye was almost swollen shut and his cheek had taken a deep purple. Sirius cracked his neck and groaned. He should have put ice on it last night, like Pommy had told him to, but he had been too lazy, thinking that it would turn out fine. Well, he had been wrong. There was no way he could go to work looking like this.

He made his way over to the kitchen where he had discarded his jacket, and searched for his phone. Instead he found the lighter.

The lighter. A tingling ran down Sirius' spine when he looked at the small plastic item in his hand, the dopey smiley staring right back at him.

James had gotten this for him. James had been there.

His heartbeat sped up at the memory and suddenly he didn't feel sleepy anymore at all. As a smile crept onto his face, a wave of dull pain reminded him why he had been looking for his phone in the first place.

Whincing and cursing under his breath, he opened his freezer to find something to put onto his face. Digging past some long forgotten frozen vegetables and bagged leftovers only god knew of what, he found a reasonably flexible bag of peas and a loose ice pop that must have hibernated in there for the past nine months. Sirius took it out, together with the peas. He deserved a bit of a treat, he decided.

Peas and ice pop in hand, he strolled out onto the balcony. The concrete had already heated up from the morning sun and felt comfortably warm under his bare feet.

Sirius sank into a chair with a content sigh, unwrapped the ice pop and leaned his swollen face into the peas.

The ice pop tasted a bit stale but that didn't matter. Today was a good day, much better than yesterday, even with a black eye and a suspiciously hurting nose. James had been there and Sirius was now a hundred percent sure that he was real. He had given him something and, most importantly, Pommy had seen him!

You can always call me when you need a way home. Well, apparently that also extended to other people. Sirius would have to remember to thank her properly.

Sirius sighed, sank further into the backrest of the plastic chair and closed his eyes, enjoying the sun on his face. He wondered where James lived. Apart from his name, and the things he remembered from their childhood - which probably didn't apply to this James, did they? - he barely knew a thing about him. Just that he had at least two friends and played rugby. He was probably a uni student. What major did he have? And where did he live? Close-by or on the other side of the city? He should ask Pommy where she had taken him. Maybe he could drop by sometime... Or was that weird? It was probably weird.

A drop of melted ice dripped on his finger and he lazily opened his eyes again. While going back to eating his frozen treat he pondered what he should text his boss. Maybe he should just send a picture of his black eye... He chuckled at the thought and chewed on the tip of the ice pop.

If he went to the bridge tonight, would James be there again? His heart beat faster again. They had been so close last night...

He shook his head. What was this?! He couldn't actually crush on James, could he? Sirius had sworn off the concept of crushes - but that had also been at the age of seventeen so maybe it was time to give it another try?

The doorbell rang.

Sirius turned his head and was still wondering who this could be, when the lock clicked and the door opened.

"Mornin' lad. Don't fret, it's just me," Pommy hollered towards the bedroom - and startled, hand clutching her heart when Sirius approached her from the balcony.

"Heavens, boy! You're up already?"

"Bloody pigeons woke me up," Sirius said and stepped into his kitchen, taking the paper bag that Pommy was carrying. "What's that?"

"Food stuffs. Some things I know you will eat," she said, shooting him a scolding look.

Sirius pressed his lips into a line. He hadn't told her about how bad it had gotten but Pommy had a nose for that kind of thing. He shot her a thankful smile and began to unpack the groceries that consisted mostly of cucumbers, toast and potato smilies. They reminded Sirius of the lighter.

He looked up from where he was kneeling in front of the fridge. "Did you get him home safely?"

"James? Yes of course! He must have had more than just a pint too much, good thing you called me!"

Sirius nodded and dropped the cucumbers into the veggie box of the fridge. "Where did you take him?"

He had done his best to sound nonchalant, but from the corner of his eye he saw Pommy put her hands on her hips and eyed him with scrutiny. "He lives on the campus. Probably a student. Why do you ask?," she inquired sharply.

Sirius leaned his forehead against the edge of the counter and kept his eyes fixed on the meager contents of his fridge. "Just... Just asking."

"Aha," said Pommy. She took a look around. "This place is a mess."

Sirius slowly rose back onto his feet to take a look around. His swollen cheek was throbbing, now that he wasn't pressing the peas against it.

His apartment was indeed a mess. He hadn't really had the head-space to tidy or clean in the past weeks. Most days he had been glad if he made it without a major panic attack...

Pommy rolled up her sleeves and began to collect the trash that was strewn across the table and kitchen counter.

"You don't have to do that," Sirius said quickly.

"You can help me," Pommy said firmly.

Sirius grumbled a bit but started to wash the pile of dishes in the sink, his thoughts wandering back to James. A student. He had suspected it from the MacBook covered in stickers he had unpacked in the café. Sirius again wondered what he was studying. If he'd only judged by looks he'd probably taken him for an economics guy. Or politics. Sirius wasn't sure what was worse.

But he knew James didn't study something like that. He just wouldn't. So what could it be? Maybe engineering? Engineers wear polos, right? Sirius' felt his cheeks heat up when he thought of how James had taken off his jacket in the café, how the sleeves of his shirt had wrapped tightly around his biceps...

"What are you smiling at?," Pommy asked, while swapping the full trashbag for an empty one.

"Nothing," Sirius said quickly, but he could feel her eyes burrow into him. Should he tell her what had happened last night?

Before he could come to a decision, Pommy inquired: "How exactly did you two meet last night? You weren't looking for him, were you?"

Sirius eyes flickered through the room, focusing on everything but her eyes. "Not exactly... I was going home from Alex' party and he was standing there."

Pommy sighed. "And you thought it was a good idea to chat him up?"

Sirius shrugged defensively and began to scrub an especially crusty mug. "He was waiting for me! I mean, I didn't know, but he wanted to give me a lighter. Because he made me drop the last one."

"A lighter?"

Sirius nodded, already feeling the giddiness bubble up in his stomach again as he gestured towards the corner of the table where he had put down the lighter. Pommy picked it up and inspected it closely.

"This proves he's real!"

"Well, of course he is real, I took him home last night," Pommy murmured. Then she looked up. "You should talk about this with Dr. Thomas. When's your next appointment?"

Sirius huffed and threw the sponge into the soapy sink. "You still think I'm making this up?!"

"No, I don't," Pommy said gently and put the lighter back down. "But... Ever since you met him you have been a lot worse and I wonder if - "

"If what?," Sirius asked sharply and crossed his arms over his chest. Soapy hands on heated skin. His heart hurt.

"If you should be seeing anyone right now." Pommy looked ernestly concerned. Sirius evaded her eyes, looking over to the ice pop he had put down onto the edge of a bowl before storing the groceries. It was melting and dripping down the side of the bowl. He suddenly felt viciously sick, his teeth slotting into eachother, his jaw locking in place.

"Don't you think you should focus on getting better, a little more steady first, Dear?"

Pommy was right. James clearly had his life together and he? He didn't in the slightest. It would be selfish to drag him deeper into his mess than he already had. Sirius thought of Alex. What had he ever done for him that made up for all the times he had to help him out? He shouldn't do that to James. He was too rotten, like the forgotten apples in his fruit bowl. And like mould on apples, it would spread.

"I'm gonna lay back down," he mumbled and blinked to clear his vision. He grabbed his phone and the lighter before trailing off into the bedroom.

He heard Pommy sigh as he crawled under the covers and sent his boss a quick message. He wouldn't be going anywhere today.



***



James woke up with a headache and to the sounds of Peter rustling in the bed below him.

He rubbed his throbbing forhead with a groan. "What time is it?"

"Pssh," Peter hissed and poked his head out of his bunk to look up at James. "Remus has a migraine. It's eleven-thirty."

James sat up with a start. "Already?!"

"Pssh!"

He threw an apologetic look over to Remus' bed but the makeshift curtains he had draped around it were drawn shut. Carefully, as to not make any further noise, James climbed down the ladder from his top bunk. His head was still spinning.

"Have you eaten yet?," he asked Peter in a low voice.

Peter shook his head. "I've been waiting for you."

James nodded and rubbed his eyes. His stomach didn't feel like it could handle much this morning but he needed to eat. While getting dressed he attempted to sort his scattered memories of the former night.

He had met Sirius on the bridge. And he had given him the lighter. That hadn't been a dream, right?

James reached for his jacket and searched the pockets. The lighter was gone.

"Ready?," Peter asked and climbed out of his bed, already fully dressed.

James nodded although he didn't feel ready at all. "Canteen?," he asked as he grabbed his gym bag on the way out. Peter nodded.



The clanking noises of dishes and the loud chatter of his fellow students hit James' tender head like a brick. He flinched a bit and made his way towards the prefilled bowls of porridge and grabbed two of them.

The porridge served at the canteen was really more like a slosh than a nice breakfast option and a rather unpopular choice altogether, but some of the faculty seemed to enjoy it so it was still a thing. Which was convenient for James. Some carbs and a good base for protein powder were exactly what he needed to fuel up before a workout. And the bowls were always pre-weighed by staff so it was easy to keep track of the calories.

While balancing the bowls through checkout he threw a look over his shoulder to see Peter still busy picking out his food, so he made his way to an empty table on his own and dropped his gymbag on the chair next to him. He looked down into the beige soup in front of him and his stomach turned.

The images of last night reappeared in his mind and he cringed as he remembered puking right in front of Sirius' feet... What a great impression he must have left.

James dragged his palms over his face and shook his head decidedly. It was fine. Yes, he had embarrassed himself but so what? Sirius didn't seemed to have minded all that much, considering he had stayed with him. Even making sure he got a ride home. With this peculiar lady. James thoughtfully stirred in his porridge.

But his musings had no time to come to fruition, as Peter arrived and dropped his full tray onto the table with an offensively loud clank.

James flinched again. "Do you need to be that fucking loud?!"

"Sorry!," Peter said quickly and sat down. "Does your head hurt?"

James waved his hand dismissively and unzipped his gymbag to take out his tub of protein powder. Peter watched him sceptically as he scooped it into his bowls.

"I still don't get how you can eat that every morning. I can't stand oatmeal - not to speak without toppings!"

James shrugged. "It's fine like this."

"But you used to take cinnamon sugar, didn't you?"

"It gets sweet enough from the protein powder."

Peter did not seem convinced but James couldn't care less. He knew what he was doing here and he had done the math. If he wanted to reach his goals in a timely manner he could not afford toppings. Not to speak of sugar!

They spent a few minutes in mildly uncomfortable silence, Peter eating his jacket potato with baked beans - which looked tempting but James knew full well that there wasn't even remotely enough protein in those beans - and James shoveling spoonfuls of vanilla flavoured oatmeal into his mouth. His stomach protested and he had to follow every second bite with a sip of tea from Peter's mug.

"How was the club?," Peter finally asked.

"How was your date?," James countered.

Usually Peter wouldn't have wasted the chance of a night out and getting sloshed with the boys. But last night he had had plans.

Peter blushed. "Not bad. We got a tarot reading."

"I thought you had a date."

"It was a date!," Peter claimed. "It was a reading about our romantic prospects!"

"And how did it go?"

Peter shrugged and dug his fork into his potato. "Bit mixed... But we went for a walk after and I showed her the stars you told me about!"

James smirked. That always worked like a charm. "Did you kiss her?"

Peter shook his head and flushed a bit more. "I didn't want to rush things."

James rolled his eyes but didn't say anything. Some people just couldn't be helped...

"Did you meet anyone last night?," Peter asked curiously.

James shook his head and gulped down the last spoonful of porridge. He really needed to change his protein powder, he couldn't stand vanilla anymore. Peter deflated, apparently dissapointed to not get any fun stories out of James this morning.

"I met bridge guy again though."

Peter's head perked back up. "At the club?!"

"No, on my way home," James said and scooped protein powder into his second bowl.

"Was he being loopy again?," Peter asked.

James shook his head. He hadn't been, had he? Granted, he himself had also been pretty drunk...

"No. He was actually quite nice. Took me home and all."

Peter had just taken a sip of his orange juice and promptly choked. "He took you home?! Don't tell me you - "

"No!," James said quickly and stirred his porridge with unnecessary vigour. "He called someone to do it."

Peter stared at him in horror for a confusing minute until James realised what that sounded like. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, hoping to wake his soggy brain.

"To take me home! It was probably his - " James stopped himself and frowned. Who had that been? Maybe she really was Sirius' godmother? Or an aunt? "It was a middle aged lady. Very nice, not particularly threatening. So don't get your panties in a twist!" He ate another spoonful of porridge and almost gagged. Peter pushed his almost empty mug of tea towards him. James received it with a thankful nod.

"Will you go to the gym today?," Peter asked.

James almost groaned in annoyance. What kind of question was that? He always went on Saturdays! "Yes," he said instead.

To his horror, Peter responded: "Oh great, I might tag along if you don't mind."

James did mind. He really didn't feel like being slowed down by Peter and he had kind of hoped it would just be him and his headphones today. But then, if his mate needed help - and by God, did Peter need it - how could he say no?

"Sure," he said and washed down another bite of porridge with some tea and shot Peter a wink. "Need to get Heather something to look at."



The gym was full. Not crowded. Full. Every machine was taken, all benches were occupied, even the dumbell racks were concerningly empty. While they were standing in line at the cable tower, James once again felt deep regret about his decision for a gym nearby campus. Of course it was flooded with overmotivated students on the weekend!

This usually wasn't an issue since usually  he went at 8am on Saturdays. So not only had this night out fucked up his recovery and would surely tank his performance today - it also ruined the entire experience! Peter was sucking on his sports bottle next to him. James fixed his eyes onto the guy on the machine. He was doing cable flys with both cables. And he wasn't even executing them correctly! This was a nightmare!

But at least he had met Sirius again.

The thought struck him like lightning, illuminating his gloomy mood at an instant. He had seen Sirius again and if he didn't misremeber last night entirely he probably had a shot with him.

The cable tower occupier finally removed the attachments - only to change over into the next hideously executed exercise. James groaned and turned on his heels, beckoning Peter to follow him. "Let's just do kettle bells."

Peter swallowed. He probably didn't have the best memories regarding kettle bell training but James didn't have time to wait all day so Peter would have to suck it up. He snatched what was left in the racks and guided Peter into a somewhat empty corner.

"Just follow along," he said, too annoyed to spend time explaining things to Peter right now. If he didn't get it right it was hardly James' problem, was it?

He took a kettle bell in each hand and started into a lunge to bicep curl combo. Soon Peter was starting to huff next to him so pathetically that James had to look over.

"You need to watch your form, mate. You're barely getting any depth on the lunges. Ditch the weights if it's too much right now."

"But -," Peter pressed out in between pants. "How - Do I - Do the curls - Then?"

"Just don't do them, you can do that later."

Peter shook his flushed head. "I want to work on my arms." He threw an envious look over to James' exposed biceps.

James laughed, not without pride. He knew, of course, that his arms looked good. But it was good to know that other people knew as well. He wondered if Sirius knew... If he did, he certainly wasn't very obvious about it.

He wondered what Sirius looked like under his clothes. He didn't seem extremely broad but also not lanky like Remus. And judging from his grip strength - James' skin tingled when he thought of the way Sirius had held his wrist that one night - he couldn't be too weak. And of course there was his waist in that bloody apron...

James almost rolled his ankle as he lost balance and dropped down on one knee.

"Woah! Are you alright?" Peter immediately rushed to his side like some sort of medieval squire.

"Yeah," James said, getting back up, slightly flustered. "I was just a bit distracted."

"Thinking about bridge guy, huh?" Peter wiggled his eyebrows.

James looked at him in shock. "Is it that obvious?!"

Peter laughed. "Well, your ears turned red when you mentioned him earlier and they are pretty red now - "

"Yeah, because I am working out!"

"So you aren't thinking about him then?"

"Well..."

Peter plopped down onto the floor. "Tell me about him."

James shrugged as nonchalantly as possible. "It's not like we talked much yet. And you already saw him."

"Yeah, pretty handsome but you can totally pull him, mate."

James scoffed and ruffled his hair. Of course he could! If Sirius was even into lads...

"Does he like blokes?," Peter asked just as the thought crossed James' mind.

"I don't know, I haven't asked." What if he doesn't? Oh, that would be a real shame.

"I mean, he looks like he does," Peter offered.

James squinted at him. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Peter turned a new shade of scarlet. "I - I just thought that - I... I don't know," he trailed off. "I'm not homophobic, I have kissed a dude! And I'm friends with you and Remus!"

"Noone said you were homophobic, Pete." James picked the kettle bells back up and began doing squats. "I just asked what a guy looks like when he's into blokes."

"Dunno' man," Peter mumbled and gulped down some water, not looking at James.

After a short while, he said: "Remus is not gonna like this."

James huffed and pressed the weights above his head as he rose from his squat. "Why? Is he still scared I might get kidnapped?"

"I mean you did get into a strange woman's car..."

James pressed his lips into a line. This was none of Remus' buisness!

"I don't have to tell him if you don't want me to."

"You can tell him," James said and lifted his chin. "And while you're at it you can also tell him that I can take care of myself."

"Yeah," Peter sighed. "He knows that. But you know how he is. Always a little anxious."

"Unlike you, of course," James said. Peter turned red again and took another sip from his bottle.

James finished his last few reps and then dropped onto the floor next to his friend. "I just don't know where this is coming from. I never needed him to mother me, so why should I now?"

Peter shrugged. "He's worried you're falling in love too quickly and might hurt yourself."

James scoffed. "Did he say that?"

"Something along those lines."

James rolled his eyes. "I didn't get hurt last time. We didn't even properly date!"

Peter shot him a look but nodded. After a pause he said: "Just make sure this one is into dudes, okay?"




"Just make sure this one is into dudes," James thought angrily as he walked towards the café. What a brazen thing to say! So far everyone he had hit on had been into him! Except this one time - but he didn't get why Remus and Peter made such a fuss about that. He certainly hadn't.

James wasn't particularly happy with how the day had went. The gym had cleared up a little over time and he had been able to secure a bench. But he had spent so much time correcting Peter's form that his own set breaks had been all over the place. Not a very effective workout. Maybe he should do an extra session tomorrow. Today's didn't really count, did it?

He stopped when he reached his destination and an involuntary smile spread over his face. His day was about to get better at last. James pushed the door open and walked towards the counter. Then his face fell.

No Sirius. Not even the girl from last time but a guy with a head of blonde curls and an offensively flashy smile.

"Good afternoon, Sir! What can I get you?"

James needed a second to collect himself. He hadn't had the chance to process his dissapointment yet and now this guy was calling him Sir ?!

"Uhm," he stammered. "Is Sirius in?"

The blonde barista raised an eyebrow. "No?"

"Do you know when he will be working?"

"I am not at liberty to say, I am sorry, Sir."

Again. Sir. James clenched his jaw.

"Can I get you anything?," the barista named Gilderoy - according to his name tag. What kind of name was that? - asked again.

James eyes flickered over the display. "I'll take a blueberry muffin." Remus would appreciate a snack once he felt better.

Sir, James thought as fucking Gilderoy handed him the muffin in a paper bag.

Sir, he thought as he swiped his card.

I'm not at liberty to say. Yeah, fuck that, he thought as he left the café in an even worse mood than before.

He would try again tomorrow.

Chapter Text

"I don't know if this is a good idea," Remus said, eyeing the fence that surrounded the dark lido.

"It's a great idea!," James insisted and leaned his back against the wobbly metal fence, holding his folded hands out for Remus to step on. "Come on, mate, I'll give you a boost!"

Remus still didn't seem entirely convinced but linked his fingers into the fence and lifted his foot into James' palms. Two seconds later the fence rattled and Remus landed on the other side with an unceremonious thump. "Ouch."

Peter's face, only illuminated by the moonlight, showed exactly how much he wished to follow him.

"It will be fun once we're in," James tried to encourage him. It was a great idea. And of course it had been his.

James had always dreamed of breaking into a lido at night and going for a sneaky swim. It wasn't about skipping the entry fee, obviously. It was about doing something forbidden and exciting!

But his hometown hadn't had a public pool and so Peter had gotten away with empty reassurances that he'd totally be in to do that. Well, gotten away so far! Until the few pints consumed during their little past-exam celebration at the pub had reminded James of his childhood plan. And about the fact that this city had a lido.

It hadn't taken much convincing to get his mates out here with him. They always went along with James' plans. Because they were great plans, eventhough Remus rarely admitted that.

"Come on, Pete. You don't want to stay behind all by yourself, do you?"

That was all it took. Peter shook his head vigorously and hurried to heave himself over the fence. He slid over the top, ripping his pants in the process, and landed akwardly on the other side, albeit on his feet. James followed his friends with considerably more grace by pulling himself up to the top in one smooth motion, swinging his legs over and hopping down with a bold jump. Peter gasped in admiration and James shot him a proud grin.

Remus was still rubbing his hip, looking around anxiously. "Right. Let's get changed and get this over with."

James rolled his eyes. Peter and Remus had both insisted to go get their swim trunks before they went here, which really took away from the spontaneity of it all. But when Remus had said he didn't fancy to walk home in wet underwear Peter had been quick to agree with him on that.

While the two of them took off in the direction of the changing cabins, James walked towards the big pool.

The lido had a little section filled with trees towards the back, almost like a tiny forest, where guests seeking to flee the sun could come for some shadow. The trees also provided great cover for someone wishing to scale the fence without being spotted by any of the cameras positioned at the main entrance. There was a maintenance gate back here, let into the fence, providing the spot some extra stability. A great place to climb in, and one he had picked with care!

James knew the lido well. He loved to go here in the summer, enjoyed the atmosphere of happy chatter, splashing and sqealing children, the smell of sunscreen, hot sun on his wet skin. Right now there was none of this. The empty sunbathing area, filled to the brim with guests during the day, now laid empty in the moonlight, the only sounds coming from a nearby street and a whirring, James assumed must be a pool pump.

James let his eyes wander across the serene scene, moonlight reflecting off the surface of the pool. It was odd, seeing this place so empty. Peaceful. Heavy with melancholy for something he couldn't quite pin down. Not exactly what he had had in mind when coming here. He was in dire need of a mood booster...

After weeks of trying to catch Sirius working at the café without success, James wondered if he even still worked there. Maybe they had replaced him with that blonde guy, Gilderoy, who seemed to think James had a crush on him, the way he was winking at him everytime he entered. Which couldn't have been farther from the truth since he wasn't even his type on a good day and also looked like he had barely finished school.

So James had stopped looking for his mysterious crush there and had instead taken to the hope that they would just run into each other by fate. Just like that one night on the bridge. Needless to say he'd been checking there too. But he'd been waiting in vain. He knew that Remus had been secretly happy about it, eventhough he had kept his opinions to himself after James' ticking-off at the café, and even Peter had stopped asking about it. Maybe the universe didn't want them to be together after all. A somber thought that James made sure to wipe away neatly everytime it dared to appear.

He strolled over to the poolside, looking up at the diving platforms that rose into the sky like concrete stalagmites. His foot bumped into something.

A pair of black boots, neatly placed besides the stairs of the five meter tower. James' heart stumbled. He knew these boots. Excitedly turning his head he searched for their owner and froze when he saw a shape floating in the pool. All motionless and quiet. He kicked his shoes off in a surge of panic and jumped.

Water rushed past his ears as he swam towards Sirius. He must have jumped off the tower! And now... Oh God, no! He couldn't be dead. He just couldn't be!

Icy horror rushed his movements, grim determination fought off the last bits of comfortable drunken sluggishness. He needed to save him!

James grabbed the floating body, his heart racing in his chest, his brain scrambling to access the lifeguard classes he had taken in 4th year. Just when his muscle memory took over, placing his arm underneath Sirius' chin to keep his head elevated, he suddenly turned around, shooting James a bewildered look.

"James?" Sirius' pupils were blown so wide they almost covered the warm grey of his irisis.

"You're alive," James stated blankly. His heart was still hammering in his chest, his legs that were now idly kicking the water to keep him afloat felt shaky from the adrenaline rush.

Sirius laughed. It sounded odd and hollow. "I am." Then his eyes locked onto James' again. "Why are you here?"

"Uhm - we broke in. For a swim."

"We?"

"My friends are here to. They're getting changed."

Sirius laughed, clearly this time. "In the lockers?"

James shrugged but found himself chuckling along. A wet hand brushed over his face, cupping his cheek. Sirius was looking at him intently as if - once again - trying to figure out if he was real.

Is he high?, James thought, as his own reflection stared back at him from Sirius' eyes.

Sirius' thumb brushed gently over his cheek, fingertips pressing into the skin behind his jaw. James felt as if his heart might break out of his chest, his breath caught in his throat.

"Why are you here?," Sirius murmured again, his skin covered in goosebumps.

"Let's get you out of the water. You're freezing," James said and reached for the other's waist but Sirius slipped past his fingers and swam over to the border of the pool with smooth strokes. With his wet hair shining in the moonlight he reminded James oddly of a seal.

They both lifted themselves out of the water, their wet clothes hanging heavy off their bodies. While James did his best to clear the water droplets off his glasses, Sirius dropped onto his back between the jump towers, staring up into the sky, water pooling around him and running into the gaps between the stone. Despite the warm weather Sirius was wearing a sweatshirt, which was unfortunate. James would have loved to catch a glimpse of him in a wet T-shirt.... He laid down beside Sirius. The tiles were still warm from the sun.

Sirius started to laugh again.

"What's so funny?," James asked. He's definitely high, he thought.

Sirius shook his head. "Nothing. It's fine."

"What's fine?"

"Everything," Sirius giggled but it somehow sounded awfully sad.

James turned up to the sky as well. It was a clear night, the stars shining bright even over the city lights. His eyes flickered across across the formations, looking for one in particular. He lifted his arm to point at it. "There's you. The one right over - "

Sirius pulled his arm back down. "I know where my fucking star is, James."

James turned his head towards him, unable to really hide his dissapointment. Usually this impressed people...

"Can you see Regulus?," Sirius asked.

Ah, a challenge! James didn't even have to look up though. "No. It's behind the moon right now."

"That's right," Sirius said, his voice barely more than a whisper. "He's gone."

"No, it's not gone! It's just behind the moon, it will be back on - "

"No, he's gone."

James stopped and frowned. He. Sirius had said his name was a family thing. Could that mean -

"Your dad?," he asked carefully.

"My brother."

"Oh." James swallowed, suddenly wishing he hadn't been right. A rare occasion. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I don't care."

James' frown grew deeper, searching Sirius' profile for any change in expression, but there was none.

"I haven't seen him in years, why would I. I don't even know what he looked like now."

"Do you not talk to your family?"

Sirius snorted as if it was a preposterous assumption that he did. "Not if I can help it." His jaw twitched lightly and his eyes narrowed angrily at something in the sky. "They sent me a letter to let me know. They never send me fucking letters. I should have known..."

James placed his hand over Sirius' without thinking, wrapping his fingers lightly around the still damp skin. 

Sirius' hand twitched under his and for a moment he thought he'd pull it away but he didn't.

After a moment of silence, James asked: "How did he die?" It was a thoughtless question, really, but James had never been too cautious about his curiosity. After all, he wasn't a cat.

"I don't want to talk about it," Sirius said. His voice was quiet and almost mellow but James still got the strong feeling that further probing would be a really bad idea, so he just nodded and kept his questions tucked away behind his teeth.

They spent a moment just laying there, side by side, staring at the sky. How long could Peter and Remus take?! Not that he was complaining... James had been aching to talk to Sirius again.

He glanced over to him. "I came to the café a bunch of times but you were never there."

"I switched to opening shifts."

"Oh." Such a simple solution. Why hadn't he thought of that?

"Yeah, my psychiatrist told me to stay away from you and I figured you wouldn't show up before noon."

James frowned, mildly offended. "He told you to stay away from me? Why that?"

Sirius sighed and folded his hands behind his head, eyes still fixed at the sky. "I showed him the lighter. And the picture I took of you."

"And what, he thought I was too handsome for you?," James joked and nudged Sirius' elbow.

Sirius snorted. "He thinks you're real."

"Well, I fucking am!"

"Yeah." Sirius slowly turned his head towards him now, his eyes reflected the moonlight, making them look like stars. James felt a bit lightheaded. "He said you are clearly feeding into my hallucinations though. And I can hardly argue with him on that."

James resisted the urge to push a strand of hair out of Sirius' face.

"I could argue with him...," he murmured.

Sirius chuckled in surprise, his eyes lighting up, his nose crinkling a bit. "You're ridiculous."

"I don't think your psychiatrist should just tell you to stay away from people. Especially not from me."

Sirius hummed, still smiling. "Well good for you then that I rarely listen to people."

James' heart fluttered. "But you still switched shifts."

"Guess I did," Sirius sighed and rolled back on his back. "But now I met you anyways so I guess - " he laughed "I guess the universe wants us to be together."

It was clear from his sarcastic tone that he was joking. James' heart still skipped a beat.

They dropped into silence, which could have been comfortable if James hadn't been so acutely aware of Sirius' hand resting under his own. He had to consciously resist the urge to interlace their fingers, to run his thumb over Sirius' still damp skin. He was laying on the floor, eyes locked onto the brightest star on the night sky, his heart beating a hundred beats per minute. Not exactly the type of horizontal cardio he'd been hoping to do with Sirius but it was better than nothing.

Suddenly, Sirius sat up and reached for his boots, his hand leaving an aching hollow under James'.

"What are you doing?," he asked, half drowsy, half worried. Worried that Sirius would slip through his fingers again. Figuratively and literally.

" 'Cops are coming. And I like these boots."

James took a frantic look around and hastily reached to put on his sneakers. "The cops?!"

Sirius pointed towards the showers and now James also saw the bouncing dots of two flashlights, a blue hue flashing behind the entry gate.

"Fuck," he whispered and got up. If Remus and Peter were still in the lockers they would get caught. Should he sneak over and help them? What could he do?

He turned to Sirius but he had already started to wander off towards the fence, unhurried and nonchalant, as if he wasn't worried one bit. The flashlights moved towards the lockers and James made a decision.

"Cops!," he hollered at the top of his lungs. A warning and diversion in one, the light cones immediately turned towards him, bouncing as they approached quickly. James turned and started dashing towards the fence.

Half-way there, he reached Sirius who was now running as well. "What did you do that for?," he laughed, shaking his head at James.

"Needed to warn my friends!"

"Poster boy," Sirius snorted.

They reached the fence and James folded his hands for Sirius to step on. But Sirius only raised an eyebrow at him and pushed the handle off the maintenance gate. It opened with a quiet squeak. James stared at it.

"They leave that unlocked?!"

Sirius shot him a grin. "I did."

James didn't have time to think much about that answer, the pounding of boots on the ground and a loudly yelled "Halt! Police!", made them both rush through the gate and bolt down the street, Sirius reaching surprising speeds with his long legs.

He really has long legs, James thought and almost stumbled over an uneven stone in the pavement.

The wind was rushing past his ears, his heart pounding, as they cut through narrow alleys, barreling around corners, the speed feeling like a drug, pushing him to go faster - until Sirius slowed down into a jog. He threw a glance behind them before falling into a stroll.

"Are they gone?," James panted, looking around.

"Yeah, we probably lost them at the first intersection. But running was fun! I haven't done that in a while!" Sirius sounded happy. Exhilarated. James couldn't take his eyes off of him.

He was breathtaking. His face illuminated by the streetlights, flushed cheeks, damp hair messy from the wind and sticking to his neck, lips slightly parted. Oh, those lips. James should have been embarrassed about the number of times he had dreamed about them.

But James was rarely embarrassed, and dreaming about Sirius' lips seemed natural. Everyone would have that reaction to them, or at least that was James' opinion. Psychiatrist and Remus be damned, it would need a lot more than idle words to keep him away from this man.

Sirius shoved his hands into his pockets and kept strolling down the street, eyes locked at the sky as he walked. James followed him, wondering what he was thinking about but not daring to ask. And he had many things he wanted to ask. Is your brother older or younger? Did you use to be close as kids? Why did you stop talking to him? Did he hurt you? Are you okay? Why were you in the pool? You wouldn't do anything rash, would you?

James wasn't one to hold his tounge, never had been, never would be. But with Sirius? Things felt delicate. Precious. Too important to ruin with thoughtless enquiries.

Sirius was walking dangerously close to the curb. If he didn't watch out he'd stumble right into traffic. It wasn't very busy at this hour but every once in a while a car or lorry would rush by, sound blaring through the silence.

A question born from worry, too impertinent to hold back, sneaked past James' lips before he could stop it:

"Do you want to hold my hand?"

What was That?! Certainly not smooth operator James Potter flirting, most certainly not!

Time seemed to slow down as Sirius turned towards him, face showing a mixture of amusement and confusion. James braced himself for the impact of his bad decisions. To be laughed at or for Sirius to simply shake is head in disbelief, to speed up his steps, to ask why he was still there. He'd be okay. He'd fucked things up before.

But this was Sirius....

And Sirius pulled his hand out his pocket and held it out for him. "Yeah, I kind of do."

James felt his pulse in his ears as Sirius' fingers slipped between his, slotting perfectly into the spaces as if their hands were made to fit together. Which was a silly thought, probably. Most human hands fit like that but James didn't feel like being reasonable right now. Not while he was walking down the street on a cloudless night with a guy named after his favourite star, holding his hand, because none of this was reasonable. It wasn't reasonable that Sirius knew his name although they had never met before. It wasn't reasonable to run from the police, together with some bloke you barely knew. It wasn't reasonable to feel like this about someone you had only exchanged a few sentences with, most of which had been more confusing than anything else.

James was a man of science. But not tonight. Not with him.



James was so lost in the sensation of Sirius' hand in his, in his thoughts and the comfortable silence between them, that he didn't even question where they were headed until they reached the entrance of a high rise building and Sirius let go of his hand to take out his keys.

As he went through the door, James hesitated for a moment. Should he follow him? Was that okay? Was that safe?

The door was falling shut behind Sirius and James jumped to slip through at the last second.

The hallway of the building smelled musty and the pvc flooring squeaked under James' shoes as he stepped in. Sirius hadn't bothered to push the switch for the overhead lights so their path was only illuminated by the neon lights from the open lift in front of them. Sirius stepped into it and looked at James, waiting, finger on the button. He entered the lift with hurried steps. Suddenly it was hard to beathe.

The doors closed as Sirius pressed the button for the sixth floor. His face looked different in this harsh lighting. His olive skin seemed pale, the dark circles under his eyes more prominent, his eyes more unfocused and tired. It didn't make him even a tad less beautiful, just a different kind. James' mouth felt dry.

What would happen now? He of course knew the protocol for going home with a guy after a date, but this hadn't been a date and this wasn't a usual interaction. They had just held hands so far. Did Sirius want to sleep with him? The thought excited him eventhough he could already see the horrified expression on Remus' face if he ever told him about it. What if he was right and Sirius was dangerous? He looked into the grey eyes in front of him, with pupils blown wide despite the bright light. He wanted to drown in them.

But Sirius was clearly on something. If he slept with him, would that be taking advantage?

The lift stopped and the doors opened with a worrisome scratching sound. Sirius stepped out and James followed. His skin was prickling. He could just ask. Ask if Sirius was sure. If he'd zone out at any point he would stop. He couldn't stop himself now.

They stepped into Sirius' flat, a small corridor leading to the right, moonlight shining into it through an archway leading into the kitchen. It smelled of weed. Well, that cleared things up...

Sirius kicked off his shoes and James hurried to do the same. He felt like he should say something. Anything, really. He couldn't think of words that would make sense. Was Sirius a top or a bottom? He didn't care. He was about to find out.

Floorboards creaked as they turned right, entering the bedroom, which was clearly identifiable as such since a bed was all that was in it. A bed a an assortment of moving boxes. Did Sirius just move in here? He still hadn't turned on the lights and James figured they didn't exactly needed them to be on for what was about to happen. Maybe Sirius didn't like to be seen, the way he always covered up.

A wet sweater hit the floor with a thump and was quickly followed by a shirt, jeans and a pair of boxer briefs. The room was awfully dark, Sirius' body only a shadowy silhouette and suddenly James wanted the lights on badly. Sirius climbed into the bed without turning around, the faint glimpse of slender limbs vanishing under the covers.

James' heart was racing. As much as he wanted to do this...it didn't feel right. Sirius seemed so off and James felt a bit uncomfortable to just go at it without a word. Shouldn't they at least make out before the clothes came off? What if this was all just a one-night thing for Sirius? Could he stomach to just be another scratch in his bedpost?

Sirius' bed didn't have any posts. James reached for the hem of his shirt.

"Look, you can crash here if you need to, but take off your wet clothes before you get into bed. I don't want mould on my mattress." Sirius' voice sounded muffled from underneath the covers.

Crash here? Oh.

James slowly let go of his shirt again. He wasn't quite sure whether to be dissapointed or relieved. And if he was disappointed, was it because Sirius didn't want to shag him after all or because he didn't need a place to crash, so no reason to stay. No reason to strip off his clothes and slip undenerneath the duvet where Sirius' naked body was resting only inches away from his own, to spend all night fighting against the temptation to reach out and touch him.

No reason indeed, but James had already decided to be unreasonable tonight and so he did just that, careful to lay in a way so he wasn't touching Sirius but was still as close as possible without doing so.

He could feel his body warmth, heard the sound of his breath in the quietness of the pitch black room. Outside, a drunken man was hollering something. Glass shattered. James fell asleep.



***



Sirius sighed and reached for the warm arm wrapped around his chest, snuggling a bit tighter against the body pressed against his back. Outside, the sun was already up and the pigeons were fighting a battle against the neighbourhood kids in the court about who could produce a more annoying sound, but today he couldn't care less. He was way too comfy to get up now.

His mind felt hazy from last night. If Pommy found out he had smoked weed she would kill him. Or blame herself for not looking out for him better. Probably the latter, which was considerably worse.

Sirius knew that weed, like any other psychedelic, was off limits for him. They could worsen his psychosis and interacted with his meds but last night he just hadn't cared.

A sudden coldness spread through his chest as he remembered just what exactly had driven him to get the weed. Made him feel like he needed it. Fell like consequences didn't matter either way. He felt sick.

The letter. The words. The pool. It all crawled back to the surface from the black pits of his memory, dulling the comfort and peace he'd just felt. Sirius flinched. He didn't want to think about any of that right now. Not while he was here with -

He froze. The pool. James. This was James!

Sirius sat up with a start and a look at the ruffled hair and peaceful sleeping face next him confirmed his worries. Oh, no no no no.

He scrambled to his feet, rushing to the bathroom. He was gonna be sick.

Leaned over the toilet bowl, bare knees kneeling on the bathmat, his tired mind was racing. Did they have sex? They had met at the lido. James had been there with his friends. The police. The escape. But after that? Sirius wasn't sure. They had gone home together. And they were both undressed... He'd been supposed to stay away from James!

And now he was in his flat, and he was naked and he had probably told him all sorts of things he shouldn't have told him and - the worst - his chest filled with butterflies when he thought about the way James had just been holding him.

He'd wanted to see him so badly in the past weeks. His first instinct when Dr. Thomas had told him to stay away from James had been resistance. He had argued. With Dr. Thomas. With Ms Grottworth. With Pommy. They'd all been on the same page. And he had yielded, thinking that maybe they were right. Maybe they knew what was best, that was kind of their job after all. But secretly he'd been hoping to see James again. Just by chance. Run into him on the street or at the supermarket.

He hadn't. Until last night. Last night, when he had smoked weed...

Sirius emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl. What if James wasn't here at all? What if the weed had done it's thing, just like that one time as a teen when he had been convinced he was being followed by an enormous wart hog for almost two days after eating some brownies. He had never been able to touch that wart hog... Sirius slowly rose to his feet. He needed to touch the wart hog.

His legs felt a bit unstable and he was all of a sudden acutely aware of his lack of clothing.

With a hand towel wrapped around his hips he slowly entered the bedroom - and stopped in his tracks. James was still there, just pulling up his underwear. He looked up.

"Are you okay? I was just gonna check on you."

Sirius approached James slowly. "I'm fine. I need to check something," he murmured.

James looked a bit bewildered but held still as Sirius ran his fingers over his arm. He could touch him. Not like the wart hog, Sirius thought. James' skin felt warm and smooth under his hand, his muscles firm - was he flexing?! Sirius turned to his face and the caught expression on it told him all he needed to know. He couldn't help but smile and James immediately matched it, making Sirius' heart do somersaults again. James was real. He was here! And they - wait.

"Did we - ?"

"Oh! No, no we didn't," James said quickly, shaking his head a bit too vigorously for Sirius' taste. I mean, he was relieved, but not that much...

He reluctantly pulled his hand back, looking down on himself. "Then why are we naked?"

"Mould," James said and pointed at two, presumably  damp, piles of clothing next to the bed.

"Ah," Sirius said and suddenly felt a bit akward. James was looking at him and he didn't like it. He was probably staring at his scars.

Sirius wasn't what you would call self-conscious. He didn't care much for other people's opinions on his appearance, but he hated to be asked about the scars. Because what was he supposed to answer? People knew what those were from. It was plain obvious, and yet they asked and then he had to answer and he didn't want to answer. Because if he answered they would give him that pitying look. As if the bad thing was that he hurt himself and not the things that had made him do it in the first place.

He needed to get dressed. And so did James, if he wanted any chance to have a straight thought this morning - pun intended. The biceps were bad enough, but the chest...

Don't look.

Sirius kept his eyes on the floor as he walked over to the boxes he kept his clothes in, fishing out two shirts and sweatpants.

He threw one of each at James. "Here, see if those fit you. We can hang your clothes on the balcony and they should dry quickly. You want coffee?"



A few minutes later Sirius was considerably more clothed and standing at the stove, watching his mokka pot, trying to sort his feelings.

He was glad that James wasn't a wart hog. And he was glad that they hadn't shagged because what a waste would that have been if he couldn't even remember it? He was also glad that James had accepted his invitation for breakfast and even more that he had said that he would eat later and only wanted a coffee since Sirius could have only offered him potato smileys.

"You still have the lighter," James said as he entered the kitchen, pointing at the table.

"Obviously. Did you think I'd throw it away or what?"

"Well, thought since your therapist said to stay away from me he might have also told you to toss it."

"Psychiatrist," Sirius said. "And he did, but I didn't listen to him."

"What's the difference?" James leaned against the counter next to him. Sirius did his best not to stare at him. The shirt he had given him was apparently no match for James' build and was stretching around his arms and chest, riding up a little so a line of stomach was exposed. He'd might as well remained shirtless.

"Therapist is for talking, the doc gives you the meds."

"If he's not for talking then why is he telling you what to do?"

"He does talk. But only if necessary. Guess he thought it was necessary this time." The mokka pot started to gurgle.

"Well, I'm glad you're still not listening to him," James said and brushed a strand of hair behind Sirius' ear.

Sirius stared at him in shock, his heart skipping several beats at once. James looked just as surprised as he did as he quickly pulled back his hand.

"Sorry. I - I don't know why I did that." He looked down at his fingers as if he was blaming them for reaching out.

"It's fine," Sirius said, trying to play off the way his ear was burning where James had touched it. "That strand was bothering me anyways."

To relieve the tension, Sirius reached into the cabinet over the sink to retrieve two mugs. He held out both for James to inspect. "You want 'Starbucks' or 'Bank of London'?"

James grinned. "I don't know. Which one did you steal?"

"Both."

James snorted, then reached for the Starbucks mug.

Sirius nodded and took the mokka pot off the stove. "Still no milk, no sugar, like a caveman?"

"Pretty sure cavemen didn't have coffee."

"Yeah and neither did they have milk or sugar."

James chuckled and held out his mug. "One caveman coffee for me, then."

"Coming right up," Sirius said and poured coffee for them both.

He however refused to deal with black coffe himself, so he added some milk before taking his mug and sitting at the kitchen table, James taking seat on the crates.

It was odd having someone over that wasn't Pommy or Alex. Alex. He hadn't reached out since the party and he must have already moved for good by now. Sirius had stuffed the gnawing guilt about that down just like the note with his new address that he had given him.

James took a sip from his coffee and promptly burned his tounge. Sirius couldn't help but grin. "See, this wouldn't happen if you had added some milk."

James rolled his eyes but smiled. He had a nice smile. Sirius had missed it. Seeing it in front of him right now filled his chest with warm joy. James' eyes caught on the letter that Sirius had left laying on the table. Sirius snatched it and turned the paper upside down but the look on James' face told him that he had already read some of it.

"Is that about your brother?"

"Yeah," Sirius said and stared grimly into his mug. The joy he'd just felt shriveling up into a burning coldness.

"What an odd way to tell you. It looks so formal. Couldn't they've at least called you?"

Sirius snorted. "They don't have my number and I'm not about to change that."

James hummed thoughtfully. Sirius dug his fingernails into his hand. This was none of James' buisness.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

It was none of James' buisness. And he didn't want to talk about it. He could deal with this on his own. But James...
Somehow he wanted to tell James everything on his mind. Like he had used to, back then.

He looked up to meet his eyes. "Are you sure you want me to talk?"

James frowned, but nodded. "Yeah, of course. Tell me anything you want. I'm here."

Sirius could have cried.

It took him a second to tear his eyes away from James', glaring at the back of his mother's letter instead.

He drowned. It should have been you.

"He drowned," Sirius finally said. His own voice sounded off to him. "My brother. In some lake on holiday." He let out a hollow laugh. "Guess he never learned how to swim after all."

His mother hadn't explained what had happened. Just that Regulus had drowned while swimming in the lake in the ravine, nearby the Black's holiday home in Wales. Sirius' mind had tried to fill in the gaps. His younger brother had never been one to swim much. When they had went to the lake as kids he had always stayed by the shore, only venturing out in a rubber boat. Maybe he had done that and fallen off of it. Why had he been there in the first place? Had he been alone? Had anyone tried to help him?

"Is that why you were in the water?," James asked, cautious as not to disturb the delicate trust they'd established.

Sirius frowned, swallowing around the lump in his throat. "I don't really remember. I think I - I think I wanted to know if I'd drown too. Which is silly, I know I can swim."

It should have been you.

Maybe, he thought. Maybe it should have been.

"I'm glad you can," James said. "You got me worried there for a moment yesterday."

"I did?"

"Yeah. When I found you,  you were just floating in the water and weren't moving."

Sirius faintly remembered that. After jumping off the tower and coming back up to the surface - because of course he did, he could swim - he had stayed in the water staring up at the sky. Sometimes when he did that it felt like the universe would swallow him up. Somedays he liked that thought. To just vanish into nothing, without any trace of his existence left.

"I'm sorry I scared you," he said, because he was. That had always been what had held him back. The thought that some poor soul would find his body.

"It's okay. I'm glad we met last night." James sipped on his coffee. "And I'm glad you let me stay."

He was smiling at Sirius. Fondly. Dreamily.

He doesn't know what he is getting into. Rotten apple.

Sirius bit the inside of his cheek. Then I will tell him, he thought grimly.

He looked back at those hazel eyes. He would scare that look right out of them. He wished he wouldn't.

"Don't you wonder how I know your name anymore?," he asked, determined to tear it off like a band-aid.

James' brows rose in surprise at the sudden change of topic. "Uhm, yeah, I was. But I'm sure there's a logic explanation."

Sirius laughed bitterly. "Not really. At least not one I know but if you can provide it, I'd be more than happy."

"Well then, shoot." James leaned his head into his hand, watching him expectantly.

Sirius hesitated for a moment. Did he really want to do that? This would certainly ruin everything that was between him and this James.

Rotten Apple.

Sirius took a swig of his coffee and a deep breath. He needed to get this over with before it got any harder.

"When I was a kid, I had this hand mirror. I picked it up at my uncle's house when we went through it after he died. My parents didn't know I took it."

"So you nicked that as well, huh?," James grinned.

Sirius was way too tense to react to his joke. "I was about eleven when it all started. I mean, not really. I had been hearing strange things before that and one time I was convinced that the chair in my room was a monster that was watching me at night but my parents brushed that off as regular kids stuff.
But when I got the mirror... I began seeing things in it. Not myself but... other things. Other things and - " He nervously tapped his fingertips against his mug. "And you."

"Me?"

"A younger version of course. You were my age. Or at least you said that. You told me all sorts of things. We would talk for nights. You told me what you were up to and about your favourite football team. You told me your name was James Potter and that you lived near Shrewsbury - "

"I do!," James exclaimed. Sirius looked up.

"What?!"

"Well, my parents do. So I lived near there, back then."

"But we didn't actually talk!," Sirius said, irritated. This was making it worse. It must be a coincidence, right?!

James shrugged but then shook his head. "I don't remember talking with any mirrors."

Sirius huffed and massaged his temples. "It got pretty bad. I was convinced you were real and started telling people about you. I would hide in my room any chance I got and talked to that mirror. It made me feel safe, I guess.
Needless to say my parents didn't like it. I wasn't an easy child to begin with but this was threatening their reputation. When they caught me with the mirror, my mother smashed it and took me to a childrens psych ward. They diagnosed me with schizophrenia, depression and a panic disorder. Locked me up there for years. Until I'd get better, they said but I only got worse in there."

He dug his fingers into his scalp and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to rush through the memories without letting them touch him. "When I was sixteen I ran away. Made it to Port Talbot and lived with some punks that took me under their wing. I lived there until Pommy found me. That's the woman who took you home. She was a streetworker back then but technically she was on vacation when she found me. Got me back on meds. Different ones. I was doing quite well so far. But, I'm not gonna lie, I've been a lot worse since I met you. I have to take antipsychotics again and the panic attacks are back. And I still struggle to figure out how you're real."

He looked up, bracing himself for the apprehension on James' face. But there wasn't any. He was still sitting there, chin in his palm, listening without a hint of judgement.

Sirius wrapped his arms around his chest. Why was he so calm? Noone should be so calm after hearing something like this!

But here James was. Sitting as relaxed as the beer crates allowed and looked at him, seemingly unbothered by his words. James took a sip of his coffee. Sirius stared at him.

"Why are you not running?"

James looked up in surprise and laughed. "Why would I run? I think I've done plenty of that last night." He grinned. Sirius leaned back in his chair.

"So you don't think I'm a psycho?"

James laughed again. As if that was such a silly thing to say. "No."

Sirius shook his head. "You have a bad sense of self-preservation."

A snort. A palm rubbing over his face. "You sound like Remus."

"Who's that?"

"My mate."

"Sounds like a sensible man."

James chuckled and then locked eyes with him, so suddenly that it startled him, making the skin on his back tingle. Oh, those fucking eyes...

"I'm not scared of you," James said softly, warm hazel shimmering like speckled pools of emerald in the sunlight. Sirius' mouth felt dry.

"You should be." It was barely more than a whisper.

James' fingers bumped against his, Sirius hadn't even noticed that James had pushed his hand across the table. He pulled his hand back quickly, the touch burning on his skin regardless.

James sighed and retracted his arm. "Look. I'm not going to lie. What you told me sounds a bit bonkers. But..." This fucking eyecontact again. Sirius wanted to evade his eyes but somehow found he couldn't look away. "But I... I think we have a connection."

Sirius laughed, loudly, suddenly. "You don't even know me."

James didn't seem thrown off by Sirius' reaction in the slightest, his tone still mellow and open. "But it feels like I do."

Sirius throat was tight, his heart felt like a magnet being inevitably drawn towards James'. "That makes no sense."

James shrugged and smiled. "Not everything has to make sense, does it?"

Sirius shook his head, violently. This was exactly what Dr. Thomas had been worried about. Feeding into his delusions. He should stay away. He kept his eyes fixed on his fingers resting on the edge of the table. He couldn't risk looking back up.

James needed to go. Eventhough he wanted him to stay. Actually, the thought of him leaving already hurt but that was just another indicator that Dr. Thomas had been right. He would fall into something he couldn't get back out of. Like a wasp in a pitcher plant. Well, Dr. Thomas hadn't said that, but Sirius found the metaphor rather fitting. He could still feel James' eyes on him.

Usually Sirius didn't struggle with fending off unwanted attention. If snarky quip-backs didn't do the job he could always resort to scare them off by telling them about his diagnoses. But that didn't work on James. Why didn't it work on James?

Maybe you're the pitcher plant, a voice sneered into his left ear and he instinctively pressed his hand against it. James needed to go.

"Are you okay?" Worried tone now.

"Did you hear from your friends?," he asked sharply.

James sucked in a breath and immediately scrambled for his phone. Good call.

"Fuck," James muttered as he scrolled through what Sirius assumed were a bunch of missed messages, possibly by Remus. He got up and hurried over to the bedroom for his socks. Sirius followed him into the corridor, waiting by the door with crossed arms. His legs felt annoyingly shaky.

"Sorry," James said as he hurriedly put his shoes on. "I need to - " He stopped and squinted at Sirius. "You just said that to get rid of me."

Sirius crossed his arms a little tighter. "Does that matter? They texted you, didn't they?"

James eyed him thoughtfully but finally put on his other shoe and turned towards the door. Sirius held it open for him. Already one step out in the hallway, James stopped and turned again.

"One last question."

Sirius raised an eyebrow and made the horrible mistake of looking at James' face again. That fucking smile. And that supid messy hair. He was done for.

"You're into blokes?"

Sirius let out a startled laugh. "What?!"

"Are you?"

A smile tugged incessantly on his lips. "Occasionally," he said. James' eyes lit up in time with a grin. He looked like he wanted to say something back but instead shook his head lightly with a faint laugh.

"Alright. See you," James said and turned towards the lift.

"Is that a threat?," Sirius quipped, all his worries forgotten at the sweet vortex that pooled in his stomach.

"A promise," James said and shot him another grin over his shoulder.

Sirius felt his cheeks flush and suddenly all he wanted was to run after James and tag along wherever he needed to go. Or even better, get him to come back in and never leave again.

Pitcher plant, the voice sing-songed and Sirius quickly slammed the door shut, leaning his forehead against the varnished wood, shaky breaths quickly turning into sobs, his mother's voice crackling in his ears like cinder, merging with the choir of whispers.

It should have been you. Why can you swim? It should have been you. Pitcher plant. It should have been you. Rotten apple, so far from its tree. Pitcher plant. Why can you swim? I never taught you how.

Chapter Text

"Well, good thing Peter is such a good liar, huh?," James said cheerfully and gave Peter a slap on the back that almost sent him off the wobbly chair in their dorm's kitchen.

Remus shot him a pressed smile. "Looks like your not the only one with great ideas."

James rolled his eyes, eventhough he felt quite contrite. "I'm sorry I left without you. But I led the cops away!"

"Only two of them," Peter sighed. Compared to Remus, he seemed to be a lot less bothered by his encounter with the law last night.

James couldn't have known that there had been four cops. Only two had followed him, the other two had caught Remus and Peter in a state of undress. Luckily Peter was never at a loss for words and had made up an, apparently very convincing, story about falling asleep in between the trees during the day and waking up all disoriented in a locked lido. Blessed with innocent faces the officers had even believed the two after James' well-meaning warning shout, when they had claimed that they had no idea who that could be and that they themselves had been scared and hiding from the mysterious intruder!

The story sounded outright ridiculous to James, but he was glad his friends had been let go with a warning. His already burdened conscience would have felt much heavier if he had left them behind to get arrested.

"Where have you been all night?," Remus asked. "I was worried."

James avoided his eyes. "I met someone."

Peter perked up and Remus' eyebrows rose, realisation flashing through his eyes. "Oh my God, you met him, didn't you?"

The microwave beeped. James opened the door and grabbed his meal prep. "Maybe," he grinned sheepishly.

The memories of last night still gave him a rush of adrenaline - in the best kind of way. Even if Sirius had been a little apprehensive at the end, James was now sure that nothing could keep them apart anymore.

Remus sighed and rubbed his temples.

"What?!," James asked, unable to hide his annoyance. He had expected Remus to react like that but that didn't mean that it didn't piss him off.

"Nothing," Remus replied quickly and sipped on his breakfast tea, all relief at James arrival in the morning seemingly forgotten.

James set his tupperware down. Chicken, broccoli and rice. The perfect breakfast and a lot easier to eat than porridge.

"Did you stay at his place then?," Remus inquired without lifting his eyes off the table.

James took a bite and nodded. "He lives in one of these high-rises near the channel."

"Oh my God, you stayed with him over night?!," Peter squeaked.

James wiggled his eyebrows. "My charms are just irresistible, Pete."

"Did you sleep with him?!," Remus asked in exactly the horrified tone that James had imagined.

"Are those his clothes then?"Peter's beady eyes glimmered with curiosity.

James looked down on himself. "Oh," he said. "I guess they are. Suppose I forgot to change back before I left..." [a/n: or maybe someone else did 😅]

He ran his hand over the shirt. It was a little too tight but James didn't mind. It was freshly washed but somehow it still smelled of Sirius. Suddenly his heart was beating faster. He hadn't really thought about it when changing into them but these were Sirius' clothes. Clothes that, judging from the washed out colours, he had worn many times. And now James was wearing them. It felt oddly intimate.

Remus watched him intently as he fiddled with the hem of the shirt. James looked up at him. "I didn't shag him, Remus, relax."

Remus took a sip of his tea. He didn't seem very convinced, but shrugged half-heartedly. "You can do whatever you please, James. I am just worried."

"You worry too much."

Remus pursed his lips and then shook his head a little. "Maybe," he said finally.

Peter frowned. "If you didn't shag, then what did you do all night? Play cards?"

"Why would we play cards?," James asked mildly exasperated. Peter had the weirdest ideas sometimes. "We just slept, okay? That's all."

Neither of the two needed to know that they had both been naked... Or the fact that he had seen Sirius' body in the morning... James shuddered pleasantly at the memories of wide shoulders and firm thighs. Sirius didn't look like he worked out much but despite his slenderness he seemed strong. James' arm tingled when he thought about how Sirius' palm had run over it. He wanted to touch him again so badly...

"Did you get his number?," Peter asked and took a bite of his honey-drenched toast.

He hadn't. Why hadn't he?! Rookie mistake! James shrugged and grinned boldly, despite himself. "Next time!"

"So you'll see him again?," Remus asked, doing his best to keep his voice neutral but James didn't miss the crease between his eyebrows.

James' grin grew wider. "I promised."



***



If James Potter promised something you could be sure it would happen. Not a man to break his word, at 7:15 on tuesday morning he approached the café with determined steps. With classes over for the summer he usually wouldn't have left his bed until at least 9, to go and have breakfast with Remus and Peter. But today he had other plans.

Sirius had said that he'd switched to the morning shift, which now came in handy, since James was hoping to catch him alone at this ungodly time. Hopefully not even the swathes of 9-to-5s would get in his way this early.

James pushed the door open and walked up straight to the counter, noticing contentedly that the café was indeed empty. Empty apart from the drop-dead gorgeous barista James had a crush on and who's name certainly was not Gilderoy. Finally! James' heart immediately picked up speed.

Sirius looked up from his phone and raised his eyebrows. "Are you serious?"

"No, that's y - "

"Don't," Sirius said sharply and James clamped his mouth shut before the rest of the pun could escape. Sirius didn't look like he was very lenient with this.

"What do you want?," Sirius asked defensively, eyeing James with suspicion. His glare gave James a sting. Why was he so mad?

James puffed up his chest and put on his brightest smile, ignoring the sinking feeling in his stomach. "I'm here to get some coffee before class, obviously." A necessary white lie, he thought.

Sirius sighed and picked up an empty cup. "Fine, what can I get you? Black coffee again?"

"You remembered, huh?," James smirked but Sirius just shot him another glare. "No, actually I wanted to branch out today. So, why don't you make me your favorite drink?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow again, but this time the corners of his mouth twitched ever so slightly. "Really?"

"Sure. I know you have been judging my choices - I can tell - so why don't you convince me that you know better?"

Sirius still looked a bit sceptical but then shrugged. "Fine, but you will have to pay for it."

"I will."

"Good." Sirius turned towards the coffee machine, suddenly smiling all mischievous. James wasn't so sure anymore if this had been one of his many good ideas...

"Why do I feel like you're gonna make me something nasty on purpose?"

"I would never," Sirius said but his smirk implied otherwise. "I am merely concerned if you're ready for my usual caffeine dosage. How do you handle five espresso shots?"

James sighed and decided to just submit to the experience. "I'll live."

"Let's hope so." Sirius pushed a button on the machine and the first two espressos started dripping into the cup.

Right. Back to the plan.

"What's your favorite colour?"

Sirius shot him a disconcerted look over his shoulder. "What?!"

"Well you said I don't know you and I guess you're not wrong, so I thought I'd come and change that."

"And the first thing you ask is my favorite colour?"

"It's an important thing to know."

"Is it?" Sirius emptied and refilled the portafilter.

"Just answer."

"Well - I... I don't know." Sirius frowned thoughtfully. "I never really thought about it."

"You never thought about your favorite colour?!"

"No. Is that something people do regularly?"

"Well, not regularly but at least as kids - "

Sirius' expression hardened for a second before he shook his head lightly and started the next espresso. "I didn't."

"Then what is it?"

"Oh dear lord, James, I don't know! Blue? Maybe?"

James nodded. "What kind of blue?"

Sirius scoffed in exasperation. "Oh come on! What are you, an art major?!"

"No, I'm an astrophysicist but I still know my colours. So answer. Please?"

Sirius turned around fully now, his eyes suddenly sparkling with interest. James felt his cheeks flush.

"You are?"

"Well, technically I am just studying physics but I'm specialising in astrophysics. It's always been my favourite topic. Wanted to be an astronaut as a kid and all that. But now I think I'm content to study the stars from down here, where I don't have to use a space toilet."

Sirius laughed. Oh, what a nice feeling. James immediately wanted to see that again.

"Oh, so is that why you knew what my name meant?," Sirius asked. "And why you think we have a connection? Are you being sappy because I'm named after a star and you think that must mean something?"

James felt extremely caught. "That's - That's what Remus said too," he mumbled.

Sirius snickered. "I'm beginning to like that guy more and more."

James tried to ignore the sting of jealousy that this statement caused and pressed on. "Now answer my question. Which kind of blue?"

Sirius rolled his eyes and groaned. "That's such a lame question, really! Asking my favorite colour... Why don't you ask my zodiac next?"

James leaned against the counter with a smile. He liked how spikey Sirius was. Some people were easy. Sirius was like a math challenge... Also he just looked scorching with his eyebrows drawn together like that.

"What is your zodiac?"

"Scorpio."

James smirked. "Fits."

"What's yours?"

"Pisces. So we're compatible!"

Sirius snorted. "I thought you were an astrophysicist, not an astrologist."

"I only know this because I dated this girl once - "

"Let me guess, she turned out to be a lesbian."

James laughed loudly. "How did you know?"

"Just a hunch," Sirius said and proceeded to add an unholy amount of hazelnut syrup to the empty cup. James flinched at the thought of drinking the resulting brew. He should probably skip the rest of his carbs today. And tomorrow's...

"You still haven't answered."

"Bloody hell, you really are persistent huh? I really don't know. A dark one, probably?"

"Like your soul?," James mocked before he could stop himself.

Sirius shot him a glare. "Maybe! You don't know what colour my soul is!"

"What do you think it is," James asked ernestly and suddenly Sirius' face clouded over.

"Isn't that obvious?"

"I do think it is," James said softly. "But I don't think your obvious and mine are the same obviouses."

Sirius seemed like he wanted to roll his eyes but his lips twitched and for a moment he looked like he was melting. Just a little. And only shortly, before he abruptly turned back around and almost aggressively added two pumps of chocolate syrup and something that James couldn't quite identify but assumed must be pumpkin spice.

"Are tomatoes a fruit or a vegetable?"

This time Sirius didn't even bother to turn around to shoot him a confused look before answering. "Botanically they're fruit but they really shouldn't be. Everyone knows they're a vegetable."

James nodded contentedly. "Did you know that bananas are actually - "

"Berries, yes. That's fucked up." Sirius poured the five espresso shots into the cup with the syrup and began frothing milk.

"Wow, you do know your botany, huh?"

Sirius shrugged. "I spent two years on the street and the only warm spots during the day you could hang out at without getting the cops called on you, were libraries. And I used my time there wisely I guess."

He's smart, James thought. Not that he had doubted that for a second anyways but he liked the image of Sirius reading. He wanted to see it.

Sirius poured the milk into the cup and added a worrisome amount of whipped cream, while giving James a smile that was about as sweet as this god forsaken drink would be. "I hope you're not lactose intolerant."

James gave him a tortured smile that made Sirius grin even wider. He shoved the drink over the counter. "There you go. I call this the 'Starlover Supreme'."

James snorted at the quip. "Are you making fun of me?"

"I would never make fun of a paying customer. By the way that's twenty pounds sixty pence please."

"Anything to get to know you, huh?" James pulled out his card. 

"One last question," he said, as he entered his pin. "When are you off work?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "I don't have to answer that."

"True, but if you did I could come pick you up and I could make sure that you are getting at least one proper meal today. There's a nice indian place down the street..." He looked up at Sirius, expectantly.

Sirius just looked frozen for a second, before the register made a noise and demanded his action. "Are you asking me out?," he asked slowly.

"What if I was?" James shot him his most disarming smile. It failed once more.

Sirius shook his head. "You're unbelievable. I tell you to stay away from me and you come here and ask me out on a date?!"

"You never told me that," James said defensively. "You said that I don't know what I'm getting myself into but I think that you should let me find out!" James tried to catch Sirius' eyes with his. "I study space. I'm not scared of darkness. Or of stars."

Sirius clicked his tounge but the rest of his expression betrayed him. "You know, you  must be real. Because I don't think I could make up this kind of bullshit if I tried!"

James grinned. He could practically feel the buzzing between them. It was back on.

"Is that a yes?"

"It's a 'be here at eight thirty and I'll let you know'," Sirius said bluntly but James could see that behind his nonchalant expression he was beaming. His eyes twinkled like that. Just like they had in his kitchen a few days ago.

James could barely hold back his excitement, so he opted for a simple smile and a nod and turned to leave. If Sirius could play it cool, so could he. Or at least try to...

"Enjoy your drink," Sirius called after him. James could hear the smile in his voice.

James laughed and looked down at his cup. "I'll do my best."



***



Sirius liked to keep his promises, he really did. He never promised something he knew he couldn't keep. But lately he had been promising a lot of things. To Pommy, for example. Mostly to Pommy.

That he wouldn't skip any more therapy sessions. That he would have breakfast before work. That he would let her know when he wanted to talk about what happened with Regulus. That he would stay clear of James.

So far he had only broken three of these promises but what could he do about the fourth one if James walked into his work?!

Probably at least not agree to go on a date with him, the responsible part of him thought. And of course it was right, as always. But he had tried, hadn't he? It wasn't his fault that James was this bloody convincing with his stupid smile and his stupid questions and those stupid hazel eyes that seemed to be able to look right through him.

Sirius took a deep, steadying breath while wiping down the counter. He felt awfully tired after pulling a double shift today but when Christie had asked him to cover for her he hadn't been able to say no. She had jumped in so much for him lately and he just knew that this useless new-hire, Gilderoy, wouldn't go out of his way to help her out.

He was tired and exhausted and he should stay away from James. He was way too much of a mess to date anyone. So maybe he should just tell James that he didn't feel like going out after all, and go home instead. That would be the responsible thing to do. The thing that everyone had told him to do. Stay away from James and focus on himself.

But the mere thought of that made him feel sick. He wanted to go out with James. He wanted to talk to him. He wanted to look at his face again. He wanted to be around him again and he wanted to -

The door opened and an out of breath James entered the café, dark hair sticking to his sweaty forehead, dressed in rugby shorts and jersey, gymbag loosely slung over one of his broad shoulders.

Sirius' mouth went dry. Yeah, he was going to be irresponsible today.

"Sorry, I'm a bit late! I kind of forgot I had practice today," James said as he reluctantly approached the counter. "Is it okay if I wait in here? I know the sign says it's closed..."

Sirius waved his hand dismissively. "I'm just closing up. You can be in here, it's fine. Doesn't bother me." He tried to keep his eyes from sticking onto James' nipples that were poking through the jersey.

James nodded thankfully, still trying to catch his breath, and dropped his bag onto the floor. "Can I help you with anything?"

Sirius laughed and shook his head. "Thanks, I can do my job myself. I'm almost done anyways."

He rinsed the rag and put it onto the rack to dry. James was standing by the counter now and Sirius could smell the faint scent of fresh sweat. Which really shouldn't be sexy, Sirius reckoned, but for whatever reason it made him want to press James against the wall and - Sirius shook his head, horrified. He was used to having intrusive thoughts, but not that kind!

"We can leave in a second," he told James while he took off his apron. "I just need to switch everything off and then we can go."

"Great," James beamed and shouldered his bag again.

Those shoulders. Sirius wanted to touch them. And why did he have to wear shorts?! Men shouldn't have thighs, Sirius thought. Or at least he shouldn't.

James was already wandering back towards the door as Sirius switched off the power strip that powered the machines and the toaster oven for the pastries. He walked into the backroom to close the small window and twisted the tap once to make sure it was shut. He grabbed his belongings and walked back to the front, ready to leave.

Is the switch really off?

Sirius turned around and walked back to the power strip. He stared down at the switch, trying to burn the image into his memory.

Off, off, off.

"Are you done?," James asked from the door, taking a few steps back into the shop.

Sirius felt his anxiety creep up. "Yes, one second, I need to check the backroom window."

He walked quickly into the back of the café. The window was still closed. Sirius still rattled the handle to make sure. When he returned, James was waiting by the counter, smiling. "Ready?"

Did you close the window?

Sirius cursed under his breath. "Just - One second."

Back into the backroom. Rattle the handle three times.

Shut, shut, shut.

Back to the front, press a finger to the switch to make sure it's off.

What if you accidentally opened the window just now? 

Sirius took a deep breath. James was watching him and it made everything worse. He must think I'm bonkers.

"Everything okay?," James asked. Gently. Maybe a bit worried.

"I just need to check the window," Sirius mumbled and walked towards the backroom.

This time James followed him. "Didn't you just check that?"

"Yes, but the second I don't look at it anymore I start worrying again." He might as well tell him. Maybe that would drive him away... Sirius felt sick at the thought.

"You mean, you forget?"

"No. I know I've closed it. It's just... It's just that my mind is trying really hard to convince me that I didn't."

James frowned. "Is that from the schizophrenia?"

Sirius shook his head. "It's the OCD."

"Oh, didn't you say they only diagnosed you with - "

"As a kid, yes. But my current psychiatrist thinks I've also got OCD and childhood PTSD, which I guess doesn't come as a surprise." Sirius sighed and stared grimly at the handle of the window.

It's closed.

"Would it help if I checked it with you?"

Sirius looked up in surprise. "Yes. Actually, that would help."

James smiled and reached for the window. "Okay then! So this is definitely closed. What else?"

"The switch for the machines."

They walked back to the counter. James took a look at the switch. "Looks off to me."

"Can you push it? Please?"

"Sure." James pressed the switch down. "Yep. Definitely off. Trust me, I have turned off a switch before."

Sirius snorted but couldn't help but smile. James made him feel safe in a kind of way he had rarely ever felt before. "Let's go lock the door."

They left and Sirius pulled the door shut behind him, rattling the doorhandle thrice. Then he turned the keys twice. Another rattle. James put his hand on the keys. "It's shut."

Sirius nodded. He was making a fool out of himself but James really didn't seem to care.

"Ready?," he asked once more, with that smile that never failed to make Sirius' heart flutter. He nodded.

What about the tap?




The sun began to set as they walked down the street but the restaurants and bars they passed were still busy.

It had taken them another ten minutes to win the battle against Sirius' mind and finally leave the café for good and he was honestly surprised how well James had been handling it. Sirius struggled to imagine any person having patience for this kind of utter nonsense, hell, he certainly would have just gotten fed up and left in that situation!

But James hadn't. Instead he had kept helping Sirius to check everything, and even encouraged him to make a video of the state of the shop so he could watch it back if he got anxious again.

And Sirius probably shouldn't be so impressed by that. It probably shouldn't make him feel the way it did. He didn't need someone to hold his hand through these things; he had handled it on his own for long enough. But that didn't mean that it wasn't nice...

The setting sun was shimmering on James' brown skin, illuminating the green flecks in his eyes everytime he looked over to Sirius. He was talking about rugby. Sirius had asked. Not because he cared about rugby, just because he wanted to make James talk so he could listen. So he didn't have to talk.

It was a warm evening and Sirius wished he could just take off the sweatshirt he was wearing. James' exposed thighs really didn't help. His quads jiggled slightly at every step and the more Sirius tried not to stare, the more he was thinking about them. And about how close James was walking next to him.

James pointed at the colourful awning in front of a restaurant. "That's it. Are you okay with sitting outside? I don't want to stink up the place." He plucked on his jersey and flashed Sirius a sheepish smile.

Sirius shrugged. "Fine by me."

They sat down at one of the small wooden tables on the patio. James' knee bumped into Sirius' as he scooted his chair closer. Sirius resisted the impulse to press his leg against his and instead took a look around.

The restaurant seemed quite crowded on the inside but out here it was just them and another couple with a buggy sitting a few tables away.

Sirius leaned his elbow on the table and played with one of his earrings. It was nice out here in the evening, the air filled with voices from the neighbouring bars. Maybe he should do this more often, get out of the house for a bit and spend some time somewhere that wasn't work or the bridge.

A waiter approached their table with two menus in hand. And Sirius' heart dropped. He hadn't really considered that going out for dinner also meant that he had to eat.

Frozen in place he watched the waiter put down the menus and take their drink orders. Sirius barely recognised the words coming out of his mouth, it felt like he was on autopilot.

He would have to order food. It would be weird not to. And if he ordered food then he would also eat it. He just knew he would. And then...

Sirius pressed his hand over his mouth and quickly feigned a cough to explain the gesture. His eyes frantically skimmed the dishes on the menu. Maybe if he just got some bread with raita...

"You should try the Kadhi Pakora, it's really good." James' finger appeared on Sirius' menu, pointing to the mentioned dish.

Sirius nodded in a haze. Better just go with that before he got into his head even more. It was fine. He could eat. It was fine.

"Are you okay?"

Sirius looked up, his pulse hammering in his ears. "I'm just a bit tired."

"Well, you've been working all day." James gave him one of those soft smiles that made Sirius feel like he was being wrapped in a soft blanket. "And I guess you've had a lot on your plate lately, with...everything. How are you doing?"

Sirius shifted in his chair, eyes locking in on a sparrow that was hopping between the chairs, picking crumbs off the pavement. "I'm okay."

James frowned sceptically. "You're okay? Your brother just died - "

"And I'm fine as long as I don't think about it," Sirius said sharply and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Sorry," James said. "I just thought maybe you wanted to talk - "

"I don't."

He didn't want to talk about this. Or think about it.

He hadn't seen or heard from Regulus since he ran away from the psych ward as a teen, and he hadn't planned on changing that. So it really didn't make a difference whether he was dead or alive. Theoretically. Practically, Sirius couldn't fall asleep anymore. And if he did he had dreams. Of swimming in a lake. Sometimes Regulus was there too. Sometimes he saved him. Sometimes he just followed him down to the bottom.

But as bad as it was at night, as little it impacted him during the day. As long as he kept busy and didn't think about it.

The sparrow had acquired an especially large chunk of something and took off; tiny wings flapping fast as he vanished into a bush on the other side of the road.

The mood felt a bit tense after Sirius' reaction, and he was almost relieved when the waiter showed up with their drinks and to take their orders.

When he left again, James yawned and stretched his back, practically flaunting his muscular arms.

Slut behavior, Sirius thought, a smile creeping onto his face again.

"I don't get why you're so adamant at getting to know me. I'm not exactly a good time."

James laughed in surprise. "Well, I think you are. You're fun!"

"I'm fun?" Sirius had rarely heard such an inaccurate description of himself.

"You are! You're witty and interesting and I like people that don't like me."

Sirius chuckled, the weight on his chest slowly fading away into featherlight nothingness. "Who says I don't like you?"

James' mouth always opened a bit, in that certain way it always did when he was caught of guard. He ruffled his hair and let out a stifled laugh. "I wasn't sure."

"I don't go out with people I don't like." Not anymore.

"Of course you don't." James smirked and took another sip. He had nice lips. Sirius wouldn't mind getting closer to them...

He shook his head to drive the thought away.

James reached for his phone. "Do you need to watch the video?"

"Huh?!"

"Are you thinking about the switch again? You shook your head like that."

Sirius laughed. "Oh, no. I was...thinking about something else."

James put the phone back down and grinned. "Me, I hope."

Sirius couldn't help but laugh again. He hadn't felt this happy in a long time, it almost felt like he was choking, but in a good way.

But he shouldn't feel like this. If he got too happy, there was more he could loose again.



The food arrived quickly and Sirius had to admit that James' suggestion had been worth following up on. It smelled amazing and the crispy pakora looked delicious. The portion, however, was scary. If he ate all that -

Sirius grabbed his spoon and took the first bite of rice with some sauce, chewing and swallowing with determination. He could be normal for one evening, couldn't he?

James watched him eat with an expectant smile. "Good?"

Sirius nodded with a full mouth. It was perfect. Maybe his perception was a little clouded by only eating toast, potatoes and cucumbers for the past weeks but right now this tasted like heaven.

James' grin grew wider and he picked a piece of chicken out of his biryani. "It's a safe bet, but I'm glad you like it."

"So you know this place well?," Sirius asked.

James nodded eagerly. "One of the few restaurants around here that serve proper punjabi food that isn't just fucking Chicken Tikka. Almost tastes like my mums."

Sirius laughed. "Poor boy, so far from home."

"Shrewsbury isn't that far. What about you, where are you from?"

"London."

"No but originally. Where's your family from?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow at James who shot him a defensive grin. "What?! I'm allowed to ask! I'm brown myself!"

Sirius crossed his arms. "Where are you from then, originally ?"

James snorted a laugh and gestured at himself, then at the restaurant: "I'm Indian. Well, half! But that still counts." He looked at Sirius expectantly and Sirius sighed.

"My family's from Iran. But we've been in England since my great-grandparents generations and my family has done a great job at assimilating. Even changed our last name and all that."

"Oh? What's your last name?"

"Black."

James laughed. "Oh well, that's very on brand."

Sirius snickered and dipped some bread into the sauce. God, he had missed food...

"My family made sure to shed as much of the culture as possible. It wasn't spoken about where we were from. When I was five I asked my mother why my skin was darker than of the other kids I saw outside and she just said that it wasn't and I was imagining it."

James' brows rose high. "Oh, I wonder wherever your conditions could originate from."

"It's truly a mystery," Sirius said dryly and ate another spoonful. "I would have never found out about it at all if my uncle hadn't told me."

"Are you closer with your uncle?"

"Was. He's dead."

"Oh," James' face fell. "Sorry to hear that."

Sirius shrugged. "Died a while ago. He's the one I took the mirror from." He flinched at the thought.

He really shouldn't be sitting here, having dinner with someone he thought he'd seen in a mirror, pretending that everything was normal. None of this was normal. And soon James would realise that too...

Pitcher plant. His heart tied into a hard knot.

What was he doing here? He needed to stay away from James as much as he didn't want to. It would be incredibly selfish to draw him into his mess, just because he made him feel a little better. Sirius put his spoon back down. He felt nauseous.

James must have noticed his thoughts dip, because he reached over the table and squeezed Sirius' hand, keeping it from scratching his wrist. He hadn't even noticed that he'd started to do that.

"What's on your mind?," James asked and Sirius choked out a laugh.

"Nothing that you would like."

James shook his head. "Just tell me. That's why I'm here, right? So I can get to know you and - "

"And then what?," Sirius interrupted him and freed his hand to pick at his nailbeds. "You don't actually want to date me."

James' cheeks flushed slightly and he leanded back in his chair. "I don't?"

Sirius scoffed. "You just think I'm good-looking, that's why you find me interesting. You think I'm just a little quirky but once you discover what I am really like, you'll regret your choices."

It felt awful to say it out loud; the truth and certainty of his own words cut deep, making him feel faint. What was he doing here? Pitcher Plant.

James shook his head. "You think I'm that superficial?"

Sirius clicked his tounge, tensley. "Oh shut it James. You don't like me for my fucking inner values!" His eyes were searching for something to look at that wasn't James' face or the food. Oh God, the food...

They stayed quiet for a moment, James looking at him with his arms crossed and Sirius staring past him at the cars passing by on the road, frantically trying to keep his breaths even, to stop himself from jumping up and just running far far away.

Finally, James took a sip from his drink and said: "I could do better than you."

Sirius' head swivelled towards him. He wasn't even sure whether he was more offended or surprised.

"Lookwise, I mean. Don't get me wrong, you look stunning, but there are people that look better than you. Not many, but some..."

"And you think you could pull those people," Sirius sneered with a hint of amusement. James' ego was really something to be studied.

James folded his hands behind his head, giving Sirius another perfect view of his arms and shoulders. "I think so, yeah. But I wouldn't want to because I don't like people who bore me."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You sound like such an arrogant ass, I am surprised you are able to pull anyone like that!"

James' lips twitched. "See? That's why I like you. Because you are very clearly not only after my looks."

"I am not after you at all! You asked me out!"

"But you said yes. And you said you liked me."

"Yeah, but...," Sirius spluttered and crossed his arms. Usually this would have ticked him off so badly. But James wasn't wrong. And that irked him!

"I only agreed to talk to you because I like you and you clearly don't know what's good for you. I still hope to deterr you!," he said, although he was certainly not hoping for that at all. But James didn't have to know that.

"I am hard to deterr."

"Oh I see, love a man who won't take no for an answer," Sirius snarked.

James' expression changed. "Oh. Do you really want me to - I mean, if I am really  bothering you, I can -"

"No," Sirius said, quicker than he could stop himself. Don't go.

James' eyes lit back up and Sirius' heart sank. Why was he so weak? He should tell James that he was bothering him. If that was what would make him go. He should have stayed away from him after the first meeting... But it was so hard.

Sirius dropped his head in his hands and took a deep breath. "Look, I - " He didn't know what to say. There were so many things he wanted to, but the words just wouldn't leave his lips.

He wanted to say that James scared him. Not only because he couldn't figure out how his entire existence made any sense but also because he was so persistent. And because he made him feel like he was high, when he was with him. With James, everything felt so much easier and all he wanted was to throw himself into this feeling, jump and trust that James would catch him.

But there was this nagging voice in the back of his mind, telling him that he shouldn't. That he didn't deserve something so good and he would certainly break James somehow; and then? Could he live with himself knowing that he had?

"I'm not scared of you," James said softly.

Sirius looked up. James had lowered his arms and was giving him one of those looks again, that made Sirius' guards disintegrate in seconds.

"I looked up the stuff you told me. Your diagnoses. And there's nothing about it that I can't handle."

Sirius laughed dryly. "You think you can handle a psychotic episode? You really are quite something, Potter."

James shrugged. "What's the worst thing that could happen?"

"I could hurt you," Sirius said ernestly, his voice sounding thick.

"Have you ever hurt someone before? During an episode? Someone that wasn't yourself?"

Sirius frowned, trying to remember. "I think I punched my mother once. Thought she was a faceless monster."

James shrugged. "Doesn't sound unreasonable to me." Sirius laughed and wiped at his eyes. He hadn't even noticed the tears forming.

"And I can take a punch."

"I don't want to punch you though."

"Then I won't let you." James leaned forward. "Look. I don't have lots of experience with this kind of stuff, I know that. But I learn quickly! And if you ever get really aggressive towards me, I promise to take flight, okay? And then probably return with some sort of help, because I can't stand the thought that you hurt yourself."

Sirius looked down at his half eaten plate. But I'm gonna hurt myself.

"I think you are imagining this to be way too easy..."

James shrugged. "I don't care. I just want to be with you."

Sirius laughed. What a ridiculous thing to say. "Why though? I'm sure there's plenty of people that you could like that don't come with my kind of fine print."

James shrugged. "I told you. I can't tell you what it is, but there is just something... Some connection."

Sirius groaned. "Please, not this again. We don't have some sort of magical bond, because that's not a thing! You were never in that mirror, James! I don't know you and you don't know me and I - I don't know why I knew your fucking name, fuck!" His voice broke and he pressed a hand over his mouth to muffle the sob that threatened to escape it. He didn't want to cry. He didn't want to break down. Not here, not now. "I just don't know how any of this makes sense," he said, fighting to keep his voice steady. "And it's fucking scary."

James put a hand on his arm. "Hey," he said softly. "It's okay. But I - I think I might have an explanation for all this. Maybe?"

Sirius looked up at him. "You do?!"

James reached for his gymbag. "Well. You are right with everything you said. We do not know each other and I have certainly not talked to any mirrors." He chuckled and Sirius flinched. "But - Here." James pulled out the red college jacket he had worn at their first meeting. "I wore this, right?"

Sirius nodded, frowning. What was his point?

James turned the jacket around, revealing bold lettering on the back. It said James Potter.

"I just think that... I just think that maybe you saw this. And.... And it reminded you of that... Of that boy you imagined. And then your mind convinced you that I looked like that boy - "

"But you do!"

"But do you know that for sure?," James asked. "I mean, you said that was when you were eleven, so it was a while ago. And it was a hallucination so it's not like you have any photos to check."

Sirius felt faint. This made a lot of sense. But somehow this didn't make him feel better at all. He had of course known that James was just some bloke. Someone he had never met before. But somehow there had been that immediate trust. This knowledge that James was special, somehow. Now suddenly this was taken away. He made a weird sound, something between a whimper and a groan. Why did this feel so awful?

"Are you okay?"

Sirius laughed and shook his head, tears welling in his eyes. "I think I just wanted you to be real," he whispered more to himself than to James.

"I am real." Fingers brushing over his hand. "And I want to be here for you."

"Why would you do that?"

"Because I can't see myself doing anything else."

Sirius sniffed. James looked so genuine but now the voices were screaming in an alarmed canon, warning him like air strike sirens. He couldn't trust him. What if he wanted to hurt him?

Sirius angrily rubbed his palms over his face. He was so sick of all this. Of his mind getting in the way of everything in his life. He couldn't work, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat - he couldn't be happy.

You will never get out of here.

Sirius bit his own teeth. Defiance was burning like a pit in his stomach. This was all bloody nonsense and he was done with it! He just wouldn't let James hurt him, that's what he'd do! If he turned out to be an asshole that only wanted to take advantage of him he would show him what it meant to have bad blood with him! And now matter what the voices were whispering, he would rather throw himself out the window than harm James.

He took a determined, yet shaky breath. "Okay."

"Okay?," James asked.

"We can try. I mean this whole dating thing. If that's really what you want. But beware." Sirius took a swig from his drink and dug into his food with renewed vigour. "I really can be a lot."

"So can I."

"Barely noticed."

James laughed and smiled so bright and warm it could have dried Sirius' tears right off his skin.

"You're gonna have to do me a favor though."

"Oh yeah? What do you need?"

"You need to stay with me for the next four hours and make sure I don't throw up my food."

"Oh." James paused and for a second Sirius was worried that this would be the thing that drove him away. Just as he had been ready to dive... "Does that mean you'll take me home again?"

Sirius looked up to see that James was smirking.

"You are unsalvageable, aren't you?"

James grinned. "You can always keep trying."



It was dark and the streetlights had turned on as they walked towards Sirius' apartment building. They had spent the way here with idle chatter, bantering about this and that and Sirius had been thankful for it. His stomach felt full and he couldn't think about that. So he involuntarily flinched when James cleared his throat and asked: "I hope that's not insensitive to ask, so just feel free to not answer, but... do you have anorexia?"

Sirius took a moment to respond. "No, I don't think so. I think maybe it's bulimia but I'm not sure."

James frowned. "Does your therapist not know?"

Sirius shook his head. "I don't really talk about this. With anyone." He paused and shot James a look. "Don't feel special!"

James laughed and nudged his elbow. "Too late."

Sirius snorted but smiled. It surprised him how easy it was to talk about this with James. Usually when it came to his relationship with food it felt like he had lost the ability to speak altogether...

"Shouldn't you tell her though?," James asked carefully. "Or at least your psychiatrist? I mean, won't this interact with your medication?"

"Not unless I throw up right after I took it. I think, at least." Sirius pushed his hands deeper into his pockets. He felt a bead of sweat run down his neck. The air had barely cooled off at night and only become more humid so he couldn't wait to get home and take off this bloody sweatshirt...

"And the meds... The meds are kind of the reason," he continued. "Antipsychotics increase your appetite and slow down your metabolism. Many people gain weight pretty fast on them."

"And you don't like that."

Sirius pulled up his shoulders. "I know it shouldn't bother me, but... I just didn't know. They didn't tell me when they put me on them, as a kid. I gained twenty kilograms in just a few months." He kicked a can down the pavement. It hit a lamppost and skittered onto the street. "I didn't really notice at first. Or maybe I didn't care. But one day my family came to visit." His hands balled into fists in his pockets and he suddenly felt like throwing up right here.

Slug.

He squeezed his eyes shut. "My mother... did notice."

"Yeah, of course she fucking did," James grumbled. "You know, I am starting to see a pattern there."

Sirius laughed bitterly. "It's not all her fault." Maybe it was. Maybe he just didn't like the thought that he still carried her with him, after all those years.

"So you started throwing up back then?"

Sirius nodded, his heart clenched at the memory of the first time he had spent,  miserably bent over the toilet. "I figured this way I could eat whatever I want without gaining weight. And it worked."

"Not good for your teeth though," James said. "And your esophagus - "

"I know," Sirius interrupted. "That's why I stopped doing it. I just stick to a few foods that are fine and then I don't feel like I have to do it."

"Curry is not fine?"

Sirius shook his head.

James nodded. "I'm sorry. If I had known that, I wouldn't have made you go for dinner."

Sirius shook his head again, more vigorously this time. "No, it's fine. The food was great." He shot James a smile that started out as fake but turned genuine half-way through as he met his eyes. "And as long as you stay with me for a bit, I'll be fine."

At least I hope so, Sirius thought and sped up his steps.

It felt odd to take James home with him, even if it was technically not even the first time he had done so. But this time he was considerably more conscious of his doings. He still wasn't entirely sure if this was a good idea. But he knew that he wanted this and maybe it was time to just do what he wanted for once...

For the past decade of his life, all his actions had been decided by someone else, in some way. First it had been the doctors at the clinic, making him take medication that made him feel hazy and drowsy. After his escape it had been Bucket and Scotty, even if had been only to keep him safe. Pommy was also only trying to keep him safe now, as did Miss Grottworth and Dr. Thomas. Sirius was of course aware of that and he would see neither of them if he didn't trust that they were trying to genuinely help. But he was so done listening. To them and to the insistent chatter of the voices in his mind that felt too real on a bad day. Sirius was also done with having bad days. Maybe James could help him have some good ones.

The front door fell shut with a thump as they stepped into the lift and started their ascend towards the sixth floor. James was looking at him intently and Sirius suddenly felt the urge to shove him against the metal walls of the lift and kiss him until he couldn't breathe. He quickly turned away and focused on the display showing the current story.

James chuckled quietly. "Deja vu, huh?"

"What do you mean?"

James laughed again. "I don't know. Just you in that light."

Sirius frowned, a little confused at what James was on about.

"You look pretty," he explained, sounding almost shy.

Sirius let out a breathy laugh. Now he wanted it to be himself that got pushed against the wall...

Pull yourself together, you cannot be that horny, he scolded himself and hurried to get out of the cramped space when the doors opened.

They entered the flat and Sirius immediately took off his sweatshirt and opened the windows. The sun had warmed the air in the flat up so much, it felt like he was stepping into an oven. He walked over to the bathroom to wash his hands but as he dried them his eyes fell onto the toilet. Sirius could see himself in the mirror out of the corner of his eye.

Slug. Throw up now. It's not to late.

Sirius balled his hands into fists and hurried out of the bathroom, back to the kitchen, where James was sitting on the crates. He wiped his sweaty hands on his pants. He felt way too hot.

"You want a beer?," he asked and opened the fridge.

James hesitated but then hummed affirmatively. Sirius grabbed two bottles. His eyes caught onto a sad looking pastry he had placed in the fridge last week. He had brought it in from work, thinking maybe he'd be able to eat it. That had been the day the letter had come.

Slug.

Sirius' skin felt tight and he felt the panic and pressure rise inside him like lava in a volcano. "James..."

Oh God, what was that? Why did he sound like that? Like a kid calling for help.

James immediately appeared by his side. "What's wrong, what do you need?"

The concern in his voice made Sirius feel even more weak. You're already starting to rely on him.

"Can we sit in the bedroom?," he asked, his mouth feeling dry. "I don't think I can be in the kitchen right now." What an insane thing to say. What must James think of him?

But James just smiled and nodded, taking the bottles from his hands and opening them before ushering him towards the bedroom.

They sat down on the rug, leaning against the bedside. No outside clothes on the bed. Sirius took a sip of his beer.

For a moment they were sitting in silence, as Sirius tried to calm down and steer his thoughts away from the fact that he had eaten and his body was turning the food into fat cells right now. He glanced over to find James looking at him.

"Don't look at them," Sirius murmured as he saw his eyes ghost over his now exposed arms.

"Why not?"

Sirius scoffed. "Because.... Because I don't want you to ask stupid questions," he said quietly.

James brushed his fingers over Sirius' arm, grazing over the scars that covered his skin like a pattern. "What would I ask?"

Sirius barely kept his breath from hitching at the touch. "I don't know. Some bullshit. Like, why I did that? Or if it hurt."

"Those are indeed stupid questions," James said, matching Sirius' low volume. Sirius was sure James' could hear his heartbeat in the silence.

"Did it help?"

Sirius looked up from James' fingers. "Did it help?"

James met his eyes and nodded. Sirius shrugged. "For the moment, yes. It's a good distraction."

James nodded again, quietly. He kept running his palm over Sirius' arm, up to the edge of his sleeve and back down to his wrist.

Sirius' eyes followed the patterns that James' fingers drew on his skin. "I always wanted to cover them up with tattoos, but I never had the money for it. So people stop staring like idiots..."

"Do they do that?"

Sirius clicked his tounge. "Of course they do. Don't tell me you didn't notice these the other day, when you saw me naked."

To his surprise James shook his head. "Honestly," his ears turned red. "I was busy looking at other things. And I would take a wild guess and think that other people would be too."

Sirius snorted dismissively. "Not everyone is such a sap."

"What's sappy about that?," James asked indignantly, stalling his movements. "It isn't like I said I only looked at your eyes or some shit. What's sappy about checking you out?!"

Sirius laughed and it dislodged a tear that he hadn't even noticed had welled in the corner of his eye. Being with James was soothing, melting all his worries off like wax.

After a moment of hesitation and a quick glance at James' eyes he carefully dropped his head onto his shoulder. James smelled nice. Which should have been impossible for a man drenched in dried sweat from rugby practice, but Sirius couldn't help but inhale a bit deeper than necessary.

James shifted slightly so Sirius' head fit better into the crook of his neck, his skin only milimeters away from Sirius' nose. An arm carefully snaked around his waist, fingers gently pressing against his ribs. Sirius pressed his cheek tighter against the plush shoulder under his head, his eyes dropping down to where James' exposed legs laid stretched out on the floor. Hesitantly, he placed his hand onto his thigh, playing with the filmsy fabric of James' rugby shorts.

They weren't talking and usually the silence would have carried Sirius' thoughts back to the toilet but right now all he could focus on was how close James was. How good his body felt, pressed against his own. About how much he wanted to run his hand off the shorts and onto his skin.

James' free hand reached for Sirius' and for a moment he thought that he would drag him away, signaling that he didn't want to be touched. Instead his fingertips trailed over Sirius' wrist, up his arm again, crossing over the raised scars, over the sleeve of his t-shirt, right to his neck, where the palm came to a rest behind his ear and the thumb began caressing his cheek.

Despite the gentleness of the touch, Sirius felt like he had been electrocuted. His heart stumbled and his breath caught and his head lifted all on its own, halting straight in front of James' lips.

He needed him.

Pitcher Plant, the voice hissed but it was faint and Sirius barely took notice over the blood rushing in his ears. James' hand was still resting on his cheek, his other arm wrapped around his waist. Sirius' finger curled around the fabric of the shorts.

"Can I - ?"

James' lips swallowed the remainder of the question as he closed the small gap between them with a greedy kiss.

To his own horror Sirius heard himself sigh into it, but he didn't dwell on it long because now James' tounge was licking at his lips, slipping past as they parted, nudging against his own. Sirius' fingers found their way into James' hair, pulling him closer to deepen the kiss.

He felt like he was being swallowed up by the feeling of James' lips on his, of the sensation of their tounges dancing around each other, nipping and licking at lips, noses squished on each others faces - and yet it wasn't enough, he needed to be closer.

He didn't even realise that his hand had wandered into James' pant leg, until his fingers bumped into his erection, hot and firm and only covered by the thin fabric of his briefs.

James gasped against his lips, rocking against his hand and encouraging Sirius to start palming him. Sirius felt like he was burning up, drowsy and intoxicated and way too far gone to question what he was doing here; if it was wise. He had moved past wise decisions a while ago.

James' arm slipped off his waist and his hand dropped lower, gripping Sirius' hip. Sirius felt James' cock twitch under his hand, his own starting to press against the fabric of his pants.

In a mutual, yet somewhat uncoordinated, attempt to join their erections Sirius dropped backwards, letting James slot in between his legs. Somewhere in the peripheral of his perception he noticed his beer bottle get knocked over and spill onto the edge of the rug but he didn't really care. Not with James on top of him, his hard cock grinding against his own, his moans vibrating against his lips and then his neck as James dipped lower.

Hands slipped under shirts, desperate to feel the others skin while James' hips kept rocking and Sirius was starting to feel like he was loosing his mind from the friction. Rubbing dicks through four layers of fabric should not feel that good but right now Sirius could barely imagine something hotter than being pinned on his own bedroom floor, muscular arms wrapped firmly around him, nearly suffocated by kisses and James' cock pressing against his.

Sirius ran his hands down James' back and cupped his ass. The firm muscles worked under the skin at every cant, every thrust. Somewhere in the haze of his thoughtless mind he thought that they should probably get undressed and move this onto the bed but that would also mean seperating from James, even just for a moment. Which was unacceptable! ...but maybe he could at least get James' shirt off, to see those pecs again...

He had pushed the jersey up under James' arms as James' grip on him suddenly tightend, his hips stuttered and he broke their kiss to press his face against Sirius' cheek before stilling his movements.

Sirius chuckled and ran a hand through James' sweaty heair. "Did you come?"

James lifted his head and gave him a sheepish grin. "Sorry, just felt a bit too good. But don't worry!" He lifted himself off a little and opened the button of Sirius' pants. "I'll make sure you finish."

Sirius gasped as James' hand slipped straight into his underwear, freeing his aching member. He gave it a couple firm strokes, that felt amazing, but Sirius still reached to stop him. "You don't have to do that."

James shook his head. "What are you talking about? Of course I get you off. Or don't you like this?"

Sirius moaned involuntarily as James circled his palm over his leaking tip. "No," he hummed. "This is great but you won't make me come anyways."

"Oh," James stopped, looking a bit confused and hurt and pulled his hand away.

"No," Sirius said quickly. "It's not your fault, it's just..." Sirius gestured vaguely at the stack of meds on his bedside. "Makes it pretty hard to get off, so you really don't need to bother."

James frowned. "But it still feels good?"

Sirius' hips jerked as James reached out again and began to palm his erection. "It does," he breathed. "But it will take ages until I finish, if I even do."

James' smile returned and he leaned in for an unhurried, deep kiss. "I'm not in a rush. And if I don't get to make you come I'll at least get to make you moan my name. And that's really all I need."

Sirius scoffed. "I'm not gonna moan your na - ah."

James smirked while he kept circling his thumb over Sirius' tip. "We'll see about that."

Sirius' further protest was swallowed by a kiss and completely dissolved by a few more strokes of James' hand.

They sank back down, James' arm trapped between them in what Sirius assumed must be a rather akward angle, until James' kisses trailed down his neck, over his stomach to finally wrap around his cock, tounge now flicking at his tip the same way it had at his lips.

Sirius let out a choked moan, grabbing onto James' jersey in an attempt to retain some sort of control as the warm tightness of James' mouth enclosed his length, moving up and down at an unbearablely slow pace. He tipped his head back and moaned, his eyes on the crack on the ceiling. James' tounge wrapped around the bottom of his cock as he moved up, until he hit the tip and begun sucking again.

Sirius helplessly grabbed onto the bedframe, trying to hold onto something as if that would help to make him feel any less overwhelmed.

"Fuck, James, oh God - "

James lifted off and grinned up at him.

"What?!," Sirius asked, exasperated. Don't stop.

"You already did it."

"Did what?," Sirius asked right as he understood. He dropped his head back with a groan. "Don't get all smug about it!"

He heard James snicker, before his lips returned back to where Sirius needed them the most.



Despite James' skillful touches, it took Sirius a frustrating long time until he finally started feeling the telltale tug in his abdomen. James had moved back up to kiss him and his hand was jerking him off with firm strokes. Sirius gasped as he felt his balls tighten.

"Gonna come?," James asked against his lips.

Sirius barely had time before his hips twitched and he spilled over James' hand and the much needed release found him. His head dropped back in exhaustion. James chuckled and moved to lay down on top of him, but Sirius quickly grabbed his hips to keep him away.

"Wait, you'll get cum on your shorts!"

"I already have cum in my shorts."

"True." Sirius let out a tired laugh and let James drop back in between his legs, and moved his hands up to run them through his hair.

James placed a gentle kiss on his lips. "Liked it?"

Sirius snorted a laugh. "Do you want me to tell you you were good?"

"Wasn't I?"

Sirius rolled his eyes but smiled at James smirk. "Well, you made me come so that definitely gives you some bonus points. But I might just be having a good day, who knows."

James hummed against his cheek before placing another kiss there. Sirius' skin tingled comfortably and he wrapped his arm a little tighter around James' waist. He felt drowsy and sleepy after coming and James' body felt like a weighted blanket, pressing him into the floor just right.

Another kiss on his neck. Something hard was pressing against his thigh. "Are you hard again?"

He felt James shrug. "You're hot when you moan."

Sirius snorted but felt his cheeks flush. He wasn't very vocal during sex, usually he did his best to not make any sounds at all. But apparently this was another thing that was different with James.

"Do you want me to suck you off?," he offered.

"Do you want to?"

Sirius remembered hands in his hair and a cock pressing uncomfortably deep into his throat, bitter cum filling his mouth. "I don't mind to. Just let me know before you come."

He shifted and tried to flip them over so he could go down on James but he stopped him. "You don't have to."

"You didn't have to get me off either."

"Yeah, but I wanted to. Doesn't mean that you have to do the same."

"But that wouldn't be fair -"

James snorted and looked at him in disbelief. "What kind of approach is that?! Just because I did something doesn't mean you owe me the same. That's not how sex works!"

Sirius didn't know what to say to that, so he just stayed silent, sitting a bit akwardly on his side, legs still half buried under James.

James sat up fully now and cupped his face. Sirius flinched as he felt something wet on his cheek.

"Oh, shit, sorry," James laughed and quickly wiped the cum he had smeared across Sirius' face with his shirt. "I just wanted to - I just meant to ask what you want. Because we can be done. With the sex I mean. I can just take a cold shower and - "

Sirius shook his head and leaned in to capture another kiss. He maybe wasn't keen on giving James a blow job but he was far from done with being close to him. "I don't want to stop," he said quietly, his lips grazing against James' as he spoke. "I don't want you to be away from me."

The truth of his words burned in his throat. He felt like an animal showing its belly. Trusting. Vulnerable.

James dropped his forehead against Sirius' and let out a breath he must have been holding. "I don't want to be away from you either."

Their lips melted together once more, their bodies sinking back onto the rug - before James pushed up abruptly.

"Do you reckon we should maybe move onto the bed? My knees are starting to get carpet burn."

Sirius laughed and nodded. "But only if you take off your clothes!"

James grinned and pulled his jersey over his head. "I can do that."



James' cock slid over Sirius' groin, slick with precum and the lube that Sirius had found in the depths of the box he used as a bedside table. Sirius' own dick was rubbing against James' bare thigh at every one of his movements, slowly but steadily hardening again.

Sirius had intended to just give James a handy, but they had both been naked and then Sirius had gotten the lube and they had kissed a bit too vigorously and suddenly their bodies had been all over eachother again, legs slotting together and James fucking against him. Just that this time there was no pesky fabric separating them, just skin on skin, holding eachother tightly as if they could merge into one if they just tried hard enough.

James' came with a throaty moan that almost made Sirius laugh because it sounded so much like a deer in heat, but then hot cum dripped down his hip and Sirius couldn't think about anything else apart from how much that turned him on.

James sighed. "I don't know why this is so hot." His breath hit Sirius' neck as he laughed. "I swear, I usually don't come so fast just from frottage."

"I take it as a compliment," Sirius grinned and willed his hips to stay still.

"You should." James gave him another soft kiss and Sirius found himself sigh into it. He would never get enough of the feeling of James' lips on his. It was addictive.

James propped himself up on his elbows, his face hovering over Sirius' face. "So," he asked as he brushed some hair off Sirius' forehead. "Are you a top or a bottom?"

Sirius laughed, taken off guard. "Is that still one of your getting to know me questions?"

"It's an important fact to know!"

Sirius smirked and gave James' buttcheeks a little squeeze. "Are you already planning for round three?! Because I don't think I have any condoms here."

James laughed and shook his head. "Nah. I don't think I could come another time anyways." He let his eyes wander over Sirius' bare chest. "Though you never know..."

His leg shifted and rubbed over Sirius' cock. "But for later reference: Top or bottom?"

Sirius couldn't help but rock his hips up a little, seeking more friction. "I prefer topping." But I'd bottom for you.

James' cock was starting to soften but it still felt heavy against Sirius' stomach and the thought of it thrusting into him, James' strong arms pressing him into the mattress, moaning and gasping into his ear, made his erection throb demandingly.


James must have noticed the hardness pressed against his leg and he shot Sirius a grin. "Want to get off again?"

"I don't know if I can," Sirius warned but James already shifted off of him and reached for his dick.

Sirius gasped and dug his fingers into the already crumpled sheets as James rubbed the tip of his index over his slit. "Ah - Fuck!"

He wrapped his arm around James' back, clinging onto him for dear life as he kept teasing his tip, leaving him twitching and squirming.

"What - What about you?," Sirius brought out between helpless moans. "Top or bottom?"

James switched to drawing these unholy circles with his thumb again. "I usually top. But I'd bottom for you."

Sirius stifled a laugh. "You'd let me fuck you, huh?"

James grinned and wrapped his hand around Sirius' cock fully now. "I liked having your dick in my mouth so I don't see a reason why I wouldn't enjoy it in my ass."

Sirius let out a moan at his words, his hand grabbed onto James' wrist, just wanting to hold onto something. But James seemed to have misunderstood the gesture and looked up, worried. "You want me to stop?"

"No, no, no!," Sirius said quickly. He couldn't imagine anything worse than James stopping right now, when he felt so fucking good... "Don't stop."

"Say that again," James said lowly, close against his lips. His hand was moving again and was picking up speed.

Sirius' hips jerked on their own accord. "Don't stop," he whispered again, thrown off by his own compliance.

"Again," James demanded, though it sounded more like a plea, his voice thick with fascination.

"Don't stop."

James kissed him deeply, eliminating the last bits of coherent thought that Sirius' had had left. All he could do was cling onto James and moan and feel the tightness of his hand around his cock, and wonder: What would it feel like to fuck James?

"You would feel so good inside me," James murmured against his ear as if he had read Sirius' thoughts. "You would fuck me so good, wouldn't you?"

Sirius groaned and bit his lip to regain control but it was of no use. James felt so good. He would feel so good on him. He would feel so good on his cock, hot pressure wrapping all around him. Sirius imagined James' muscular legs, pressed against his sides as he laid under him, looking up and moaning just like he had earlier. How he would twitch around Sirius' length and make it impossible for him to control himself.

Sirius came so suddenly that it surprised himself as his cum spluttered onto his stomach. James stroked him all the way through, pressing kisses onto his lips as the waves of climax rippled through Sirius' body. When the feeling faded Sirius buried his face in the crook of James' neck, seeking the comforting warmth of his body.

For a moment they stayed like this. Sirius wrapped in James' arms, catching his breath, James' head resting against his forehead. If there had been a way for Sirius to move into James' ribcage he would have.

He could have just fallen asleep like this, if his mouth hadn't felt so awful dry after spending too much time gasping and panting under James' touches. Begrudgingly he sat up and crawled off the bed.

"Where are you going?" James sat up as well.

"Getting water."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

Sirius turned around and shot James a confused look. "To get water?!"

"You said I shouldn't leave you alone."

"Oh." Sirius felt queasy as he remembered why he had asked James to come home with him in the first place.

He reached down into the pocket of his discarded pants and took a look at his phone. It was way past midnight.

"We're safe now," he said cheerfully, as giddy relief replaced the heaviness that had tried to take hold of him. "I couldn't throw that food up anymore if I tried." He dropped his phone onto the bed and trailed off towards the kitchen, his heart full with happiness and pride.

Behind him he heard James chuckle. "Already?! Oh, well, I call that four hours well spent."

Chapter Text

Sweat dripped down James' back as he jogged down the streets towards Sirius' apartment complex. It was a sweltering day and the July sun did all in its power to reduce everything in its path into a miserable puddle.

James had already taken off his shirt but somehow that had only made things worse. He was drenched in sweat and his gymbag was cutting uncomfortably into his shoulder, but he refused to slow down. Only a few hundred meters left anyways. He could already see the high rise buildings down the street.

They had become a familiar sight to him, who for the past four weeks had become a regular visitor in this neighbourhood. Ever since he and Sirius had started dating there hadn't been a day they hadn't seen eachother. Granted, sometimes they could only make it for an hour, squeezed in between Sirius' shift and therapy sessions and James' classes and sport. Especially gym times had been an issue since they akwardly overlapped with the free slots in Sirius' schedule.

So James had had another one of his grand ideas: Sirius could simply join him going to the gym! He reckoned he'd be a much better gym buddy than Peter and also he had read online that physical activity could help remedy panic disorders and OCD. At any rate it certainly wouldn't be a bad thing for Sirius to see some other place than work and his house.

Sirius had been a bit hesitant at first but had finally agreed, under the condition that James would have to lend him some gym clothes, which was no issue at all. James was already a little too excited about seeing Sirius in the shorts he had picked...

He took the last few hundred meters to the entrance door with a sprint and slipped right inside the building. The door didn't close properly, so if you just pushed it with a little force it would open, something James had learned on day five when Sirius had gotten annoyed with having to push the buzzer for him all the time.

Inside the building the air was much cooler but musky as ususal. James routinely pressed the button for Sirius' floor on the lift and waited impatiently for the doors to open again.

He was still out of breath when he pushed Sirius doorbell and waited for him to open the door, immediately pulling him into an exuberant kiss when he did.

Sirius spluttered a bit in surprise but quickly reciprocated and wrapped his arms around James' sweaty waist - before recoiling in disgust. "Ew, why are you so wet?!"

"I jogged here."

"Why would you do that?," Sirius asked flabbergasted and wiped his hands on his pants. "Aren't we leaving for the gym now?"

"Extra cardio," James grinned. "Will do me some good!" He pinched his stomach in emphasis.

Sirius looked sceptical. "What are you even pinching?"

James shrugged and finally stepped into the flat. "I was in better shape last year."

"Hard to imagine."

"Aww, was that a compliment?" James grinned and ran a hand over Sirius' back who just shrugged and smiled one of these genuinely sweet smiles that melted all the harshness off his face.

Sirius reached for his boots. "Shall we?"

James frowned. "Don't you have a bag?"

"For what?"

"For your stuff."

"You said you'd borrow me gym clothes!"

"Yeah, but I don't think we have the same shoe size. Don't you have something that isn't boots?"

Sirius pursed his lips thoughtfully before vanishing into the bedroom and, after some digging, returned with a pair of converse in more than questionable state.

James pulled a face. "Sheesh, we need to get you new shoes..."

"We don't have to get me anything," Sirius said decidedly. "These are just fine. Can we go now?"

"Water bottle?," James inquired and crossed his arms.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Do I look like I own a waterbottle?!"

"Not even an empty PET one?"

"James, who do you think I am? A bourgeois?! Bottled water, really - "

"A soda bottle then?"

Sirius grimaced. "Reminds me of vodka."

"Why - ", James interrupted himself before he could finish the question and waved his hand dismissively. He could imagine why. "Fine, we'll just share mine."

"I don't know if I want to come into contact with your oral flora."

James rolled his eyes. "It's mostly you anyways..."

Sirius' disgusted snort turned into a laugh half-way through. "I really hope you've brushed your teeth since yesterday! Now let's go, you horrible man, before I change my mind because of your nonsense!"

"Alright, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom real quick -"

"No, don't go in there!"

But Sirius' warning came too late. An enormous  white bird fluttered from the toilet towards James. He barely managed to slam the door back shut, followed by a thump on the other side and a loud hiss.

James pushed his glasses back up his nose. "Why is there a fucking swan in your bathroom?"

"Its foots 's hurt. Found it by the canal yesterday. Probably got bitten by a fox or something and the wildlife shelter refused to take it, so I am nursing it back to health here."

"It seems pretty healthy already!"

"I put the foot in a splint and cleaned the wound. It's a lot better today but I just want to make sure the injury doesn't get infected."

James nodded solemnly. "And... Why does it need to live in your bathroom?"

Sirius scoffed in annoyance. "Well, where else would I fucking keep it , James? In the kitchen?"

James shook his head. "Of course not. That would be silly." He eyed the now closed door with scepticism. "Will it be fine in there while we're gone?"

"It's got water, the window's open and I put an entire bucket of oats in there so it should be just fine."

"Alright then," James said slowly, still a bit puzzled by the situation. "Then we'll go?"

Sirius wrapped an arm around his shoulder and led him towards the door, James shuddered pleasantly as Sirius' arm touched the bare skin on his back. "Can hardly make you skip your precious gym sessions, can I?"

James laughed. "No. I reckon that would count as psychological warfare." He threw a look back at the bathroom door as they left. "How did you even catch it? Aren't swans quite hostile?"

Sirius shrugged. "They're like snakes. Pretty docile if you know how to grab them."

"Hmm yeah, I can imagine," James hummed and pinched Sirius' side. Then he did a double take. "Wait, what do you mean they're like snakes?!"



***



When they arrived, the gym was buzzing. The air was hot and thick enough to cut, the noises of moving weights mixed with the fast paced electronic music playing from the speakers, adding another layer of restlessness to the atmosphere. James loved it.

The gym was probably his favourite place next to the rugby field. The feeling of his blood pumping and pushing his body to its limits, while surrounded by people who did the same, to compete with them - directly, in case of rugby and indirectly, in case of the gym. That was his element!

He strode towards the lockers at his routinely speedy pace, only turning around to make sure he hadn't lost Sirius, who was trailing after him, observing his surroundings.

"Sorry, it's probably gonna get pretty crowded today. Hope that's okay," James apologized and gave Sirius' hand a gentle squeeze, who shot him a quick smile in return.

"It's fine, I'll be alright."

Knowing Sirius for a bit now, James had some doubts about the truth of those words but continued his path into the lockers. They managed to find two free lockers next to eachother and James handed Sirius the shorts and shirt he had brought for him.

Sirius held up the pants and shot him an accusing look. "Are you serious?! Couldn't find anything shorter, huh?"

James answered with a sheepish grin. "Can you blame me for wanting to see your ass?"

"Well in those shorts you won't be the only one who'll see my ass," Sirius grumbled and started to get changed.

James' heart dropped. He hadn't really thought about that... Not that it bothered him, of course! Not in the slightest. He unpacked his gym shoes with a little too much force.



The shorts were indeed short and somehow looked even more scandalous on Sirius' long legs than on James'. It was really a sight to behold. However, a sight that Sirius didn't seem to be very fond of. James couldn't help but notice how he tried to make himself as small as possible as they exited the lockers, wrapping his arms around himself and doing his best to hide behind James' back.

James turned and brushed his fingers across Sirius' arm in what he hoped was a soothing gesture. "You're alright? You really don't have anything to hide."

"Yeah, anything but these," Sirius said with a scowl and gestured at the scars on his thighs. "You really couldn't have gotten me normal shorts, huh?"

His voice sounded tense and James suddenly felt awful. Of course he should have thought about this. Sirius had gotten better about wearing shorter sleeves in the past weeks - something that James secretly took a lot of pride in, being sure that his encouragement must have come to fruition - but he still tended to be hyperaware of any strangers looking his way when they were out.

"I'm sorry," James murmured and stopped to fully turn around to Sirius. He looked down on himself. "Do you want to swap? Mine should cover most of them."

Sirius nodded in relief and James only noticed then how pale he had gotten. He felt awful. He hadn't even realised how much this must stress him out. He really should have thought of this...

After the swap Sirius seemed a lot more relaxed and James felt a lot more exposed. He hadn't worn this pair of pants in a hot second and apparently his glutes had grown quite a bit. He had to pluck the fabric into place in order to fully cover his boxer briefs. Something Sirius acquitted with a smirk.

James laughed. "Feel better now?"

Sirius grinned and wiggled his eyebrows. "Much better."

James swatted at him and shooed him out of the lockers again, towards the weightlifting corner of the gym. He had already made eyecontact with an empty bench in one of the least frequented spots, when a familiar voice interrupted his path.

"Hey there, Bootylicious! Ready for some bums-tums and legs?"

James snorted and flipped off the tall, muscular man that shot him a way too bright, shit-eating grin. "Fuck off, Martin."

"Oh James, why not? Sounds like great fun!," Sirius sneered. "And you could do with some more bums and legs."

"Who's your friend? I like him!" Martin didn't wait for an answer and was already wandering off towards the course room.

James rolled his eyes in amusement and snuck his arm around Sirius' waist. "That course is a scam! You'll never grow an ass with that nonsense. It's too much cardio!" He threw Sirius a suggestive smirk. "And that we can do at home."

Sirius snorted a laugh and squeezed James' side. "I wouldn't call that cardio. More like a sprint, from your end."

"Oi!"

Sirius swiftly dodged from James' reach with a cackle.

"Not my fault you're that hot," James shot back and the flush on Sirius' cheeks told him he had hit his target.

"Shut up, nerd!"

"That's why you date me though, isn't it?," James quipped.

"I date you for your big ass, Bootylicious!," Sirius said, a grin plastered across his face, now fully back to his usual self.

James wanted to kiss him.

But now wasn't the time for that. They had a bench to claim.



Training with Sirius was way more enjoyable than with Peter. Not because Sirius talked any less or stayed on task even a smidge more. Quite the contrary, if anything he was even more detrimental to James getting in a good, focused workout. He kept joking around through the entire warm up, making James crack up while he was trying to hold an exercise more than once.

But unlike with Peter it didn't bother James in the slightest. Seeing Sirius smile and laugh, to hear his voice, to see the flush spread over his cheeks when James taunted him with an especially strenuous exercise, was all he needed to feel like he was floating.

What did not feel like it was floating right now was the barbell on his back. James rose back from his squat, releasing his held breath with a puff and reracked the bar.

"You got it?," he asked Sirius, who was leaning against the rack, smiling innocently.

"I think you need to show me one more time."

James scoffed and wiped his forehead. "I showed you plenty of times, you are just staring at my ass at this point."

"And can you blame me?," Sirius hummed and stepped a little closer.

James grinned and rolled his eyes. "S'ppose not but now it's my turn to watch. Come on! I'll take a little weight off for you."

"Nah, leave it. I want to see if I can do it."

"You're sure? I don't want you to hurt yourself."

Sirius grinned. "I can handle more than you think."

James did his best to ignore the direction that sentence took in his head and stepped back to let Sirius use the barbell, staying close behind to spot him if needed.

But Sirius didn't need any help. He squatted James' working weight with surprising success - albeit a form that James found needed some corrections.

"Not bad," James commented. "Now that was one, you should at least do five more."

Sirius groaned and rolled his eyes. "This is boring. Can't we do anything more fun?"

"You just can't do more than one, huh?," James smirked.

"I could but I don't want to."

"Sure."

"I just don't get how you can do this multiple times a week. It's so monotonous."

James shrugged. "It's really quite rewarding once you get into it. Now come on, a couple more! I'll take off some weight."

Sirius pulled a face. "Do I have to?"

That question stung a little more than James liked. This had been supposed to be fun for both of them...

"No, of course not. You can do something else if you like."

Sirius must have picked up on his dissapointment because his tone softened. "You're sure? I don't want to ditch you."

James chuckled. "You do though."

"No! I just want to ditch this!," Sirius pointed accusingly at the rack. "I just really don't think this is my thing."

"But you're doing well," James tried half-heartedly, but he already knew this was a lost cause by the way Sirius shrugged.

"I just feel like a clown doing this..." Sirius rubbed his arm and took a step closer to James. "Why don't you keep training and I'll.... watch?" He shot James an absurdly innocent smile and looked at him like a very convincing puppy dog.

James huffed a laugh. "Anything to keep you entertained."

Sirius smirked contentedly and James again wanted to kiss him so badly. But this was hardly the right place to make out. They'd have time for that later. For that and cardio....



The remainder of the workout was significantly more effective, since James couldn't help but feel very much observed. Now, technically he was used to that and it wasn't like he minded it much, but when Sirius was watching him he always got a little nervous. So he pushed each lift a little further than he usually would, hoping to impress him.

But Sirius didn't seem to care much about James' athletic sucess. He seemed to be a lot more focused on the hem of James' shorts than on the number of reps he managed to do. And maybe that was quite alright too...

James sat up on the bench he'd been bench pressing on and looked down on Sirius, who had sat down on the floor with his legs crossed. His cheeks were still a bit flushed from the exercises he had participated in and the shorts James had given him were pulled up from how he was sitting and exposed a small section of his inner thighs. A smile tugged on James' lips and Sirius quirked an eyebrow and crossed his arms.

"Are you checking me out?," he asked with a smirk.

James' smile grew into a grin. "Can you blame me?"

"Tsk," made Sirius, rolled his eyes and leaned back onto his arms, which pulled the pant legs further up. James did his best not to stare.

Cardio at home, he thought. Later.

"What are you planning to do about the swan?," he asked in an attempt to redirect his thoughts.

"What do you mean?"

"Are you really going to keep it in your bathroom the whole time? Isn't that a bit inconvenient?"

Sirius shrugged. "So far it's well behaved - "

"With you," James grumbled, recalling the near miss to his head earlier.

"Don't worry I'll make sure you can use the bathroom when you're over," Sirius said and plucked on his stringy shoelaces. "And it needs someone to take care of it..."

James suddenly understood.

"How do you know how to take care of swans? Another library book I presume?"

Sirius shook his head. "Scotty showed me, back in PT."

"Who's Scotty?," James asked with a twinge of jealousy.

"One of the guys that I stayed with after I ran away. There were a bunch of swans near where we slept so we came across injured ones more than once. Not just swans, ducks and pigeons and all that too, swans are just the hardest to handle because they're so big and feisty."

James nodded, eventhough he didn't quite understand. "So the house was near a pond then or something?"

Sirius looked up in confusion. "What house?"

James pressed his lips together as he realised. They hadn't spoken much about Sirius' past yet but he still vividly remembered the furious speech Sirius had held him at their second encounter. Sleeping under a bridge in Port Talbot... Reckon there's lot's of swans, he thought. He just hadn't been aware that Sirius had had company back then.

James was tempted to inquire some more about this Scotty but the moment was interrupted by a group of five of James' gym buddies pouring from the lockers. They each took a detour to greet and give  him a fistbump before scattering to the nearby machines, loudly chatting with eachother during their set up. He was just about to go back to his exercise himself as he noticed how tense Sirius had become again. He was eyeing the newcomers, rubbing his knees like he always did when he got uncomfortable.

"You wanna leave?"

Sirius' head whipped towards him, looking caught. "What?! No, I'm fine, why would we leave?"

Because you look stressed, James thought. But Sirius would only keep arguing that he wasn't, he knew that by now. So instead he got up and began wiping down the equipment.

"Because I think I'm done for today. My shoulder still hurts a bit from rugby practice and I want to have some quality time with you before I have to go home again."

"And by that you mean cardio, I assume?," Sirius asked with a laugh.

James swung his towel over his shoulder and grinned. "If you're up for it. You won't even have to wear any shorts!"



***



The air had cooled off a bit as they left the gym and walked towards the metro. James' shirt was still damp from earlier and was sticking uncomfortably to his skin but it wasn't warm enough to take it off again.

Stopping his workout early made him a little uncomfortable. Sure, he had done some extra exercise by jogging earlier but it hadn't been that far and he had skipped three whole exercises! He already felt guilty about that. Maybe he could do an extra session tomorrow? But that would mean less time with Sirius again...

While James' thoughts were circling around his missed out sets, Sirius, who seemed to be very glad to be back in his usual attire and out of the noisy stuffiness of the gym was chatting cheerfully.

"I'm gonna show you how to handle the swan when we get back home. It's really not that hard, you just need to show it that you mean no harm, then it will be nice. Well, not nice but it won't try to bite your arse at any chance anymore.'
'Did you know that swans are technically a type of goose? I guess that makes sense if you think about it. Both are pretty bitey for waterfowl. Can't imagine a getting bitten by a heron. Or a bittern.'
'That would be funny though. To get bitten by a bittern." He laughed to himself.

Warm fondness spread inside James' chest and dispersed his labouring thoughts. He wrapped an arm around Sirius' shoulder and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"What was that for?," Sirius asked and leaned lightly against him as they kept walking.

"Nothing, I just like it when you talk like that."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, you just seem so...happy."

Sirius snaked an arm around James' waist and pulled him even closer. "Maybe you're having a good influence on me," he joked.

James was about to say something back when a sneering voice interrupted them.

"Ah look at these two lovebirds!"

The voice belonged to a stocky, redfaced bloke with a buzzcut and shiny white shoelaces on his black boots. His four friends that now accumulated behind him looked similar.

One of them spat on the floor, only missing Sirius' shoes by an inch. "Got yourself a girlfriend now, faggot?"

Did they know him?

James scowled and took a step forward raising his chin. "And you got yourself four of them! Wow, that's quite progressive for someone looking like a right wing twat, gotta say."

"Shut up, Paki!"

James scoffed. "Original."

He heard Sirius chuckle next to him and his heart immediatley swelled with pride.

The men slowly encircled them, leaving them without an option to flee, not that James would have needed one, of course. One of them, who looked like he recently got his nose broken, had his eyes fixed on Sirius, glaring aggressively. Oh, they sure did know him...

James balled his hands into fists. He would show these guys what it meant to mess with James Potter! None of them would touch Sirius, he'd make sure of that. He dropped his gymbag and took a ballsy step forward.

"If I were you I would sod off while I still can."

The guy in front of him let out a sneering laugh. "Do you hear that lads? That little tosser thinks he can fight us!"

"And is he so wrong about that?," Sirius sneered right back. "You lot don't exactly have a winning track record if I recall correctly."

All smiles vanished abruptly turned back into matching sets of grim visages and flared nostrils.

But Sirius didn't seem to be done with the teasing just yet. He turned towards the bloke with the broken nose. "Where did you get that nose job? Amazing work, really adds some interest to your face!"

The man's fist shot towards Sirius like the head of a snake. But just like a swan - and apparently snakes before that - Sirius seemed to just know how to grab it and, with a measured twist and a carefully aimed kick, the arm dislocated with a pop and the formerly so fierce looking man wailed in agony. James had the strong suspicion Sirius may have been congratulating himself with his former statement.

He didn't have time to admire Sirius' work though, since the other three men now jolted into action. The shiny metal of a knife flashed in the friendly sunshine and they were still surrounded. James decided to do what he did best.

With his head lowered and arms ready to grapple he stormed at the man in front of him and tackled him onto the pavement, knocking the knife out of his hand. James saw it slide across the sidewalk from the corner of his eye as he lifted himself up to throw a punch into his opponent's face. Bones cracked under his knuckles and James almost recoiled. He had never beaten someone up before... Some harmless quarrels on the school yard, sure. But not like this.

There was no time to ponder though, because it was clear that these guys hadn't come to exchange some idle words. The man below him pulled something out of his pocket and James only recognized it as a knuckleduster when it was halfway towards this face. He threw himself to the side but the hard metal still hammered into his shoulder leaving a thrumming pain. James' bit his own teeth and slammed his fist down with his entire bodyweight this time.

The man's head lolled to the side. Relieved and shocked at once, James struggled to his feet only to be grabbed from behind. He reached for the attacker's arm and tried to wrestle him to the ground when he recognised a familiar pair of boots on the perpetrator's feet. He turned and looked into Sirius' face.

"We need to go," Sirius said, in a tone as if he was repeating himself. Maybe he was. James wasn't sure, the blood was rushing in his ears.

He followed the direction of Sirius' gaze. Nose-job was sitting on the ground, holding his arm, one of the others was laying flat on his back, blood dripping from his brow and the other two were running. Running towards a large crowd of men clad in boots and shirts with recognisable symbols. Sirius grabbed his arm and pulled him down the street.

"We need to boot it, James. Run!"

James snatched his bag from the ground and they started sprinting towards the metro station, the angry calls and hollers of the group inching closer quickly. Sirius made quick work of the stairs and James did his best to keep up. His shoulder was still aching.

Running down the platform they weaved between the waiting people. James could hear the menacing thunder of at too many pairs of boots trampling down the stairs after them.

Fuck. Maybe he should have kept his mouth shut. If Sirius got hurt from this he'd never forgive himself...

The sound of an incoming train made his heart stumble with relief but a quick look over his shoulder told him that there was no way they'd be able to get on before the nazis reached them. He turned back and caught Sirius' eyes who seemed to have come to the same conclusion, judging by the frown on his face.

Sirius picked up speed again, running towards the end of the platform. What was his plan? There was no other exit. Did he plan on turning around and loop back to the stairs? But the group of angry men couldn't be so dense as to not split up in that case...

They reached the last section of the platform as the train was rolling in. The nazis had slowed their steps, sneering and grinning, knowing that they would catch them either way, be it on or off the train.

James was about to stop and brace himself for battle when he realised that Sirius had not slowed down one bit. Instead he seemed determined to outrun the train and James struggled to catch up with him.

"What are you doing?!," he yelled.

"Stay behind me!," Sirius shouted back, his voice almost drowned by the screeching of the stopping train. "Bye, ya' twats!," he shouted at their persecutors and with a manic cackle he jumped onto the tracks.

James only had a split second to race through a number of thoughts and emotions.

Horror and worry. Realisation of what Sirius was doing. Questioning if he should follow, if he could make it before the train reached them. Deciding that he'd probably get wrecked either way. Jumping.

James stumbled a bit as he landed on the gravel between the tracks but he managed to keep his momentum and sprinted into the tunnel, after Sirius, the train coming to a halt only centimeters behind him, blocking the light from the platform.

Now it was dark. James could barely make out Sirius' shape in front of him as they ran deeper into the tunnel. His heart was hammering in his chest and he cursed himself for not ditching his gymbag. It was slamming into his side on each step, weighing on his already tired out legs.

And where were they even going? He couldn't see a thing and if they weren't careful they would run into another train.

"Sirius!," he called out, not knowing what for exactly.

In the dark he could feel Sirius' hand reaching for his and he grabbed it, letting him lead him further into the labyrinth of tunnels.




The deeper they ventured the stuffier the air became. This paired with the darkness that was only interrupted by a blinking signal here and there made James worry that they would never find their way back out. But Sirius seemed to know where he was going, taking turns without hesitation and warning James' of thresholds and slopes and low-hanging ceilings, until they finally reached the end of the tunnel.

Encouraged by the prospect of fresh air the bright light in front of him promised, James hurried his steps for a last sprint until they emerged out into what looked like an overgrown siding.

James leaned onto his knees, panting heavily. "I think we lost them."

Sirius laughed and stopped as well. "You reckon?"

"Don't tell me you kept running for fun again."

"Thought you wanted to do cardio."

"Not what I had in mind," James huffed and wiped sweat off his brow. His hand came back covered in soot.

"Where exactly are we?," he asked and looked around the deserted area. James noticed a mesh fence and some large industrial buildings through the trees that surrounded the siding.

"At the western city border." Sirius pointed at the structures James had spotted. "They built a large industrial park over there to develop the area but the plans got cut at the last minute so they never finished."

"You've been here before then? You sure knew your ways through these tunnels..."

Sirius shrugged. "I got bored one night and decided to explore a bit."

"You explored the metro rails?" James wasn't sure if he was more impressed or worried by that revelation. But it was pretty cool...

"I don't like tunnels," Sirius said as if that was a reasonable answer to that question. As he noticed James' puzzled expression he continued. "And it's always best to face the things you're scared off. Otherwise they hold too much power over you."

James laughed. Sirius never ceased to amaze him. "Those are some wise words from a man who just jumped in front of a train."

Sirius grinned. "You gotta do what you gotta do."

"They ought to print that on calendars."

"They really ought to. Anyways," Sirius' smile turned mischievous. "Wanna see something cool?"



The wind was whistling past James' ears as they ascended the scaffolding that lined the side of one of the high rise office towers. The construction must have stopped right after the shell had been finished and so the building stuck into the sky like an empty carcass.

They could have probably just climbed in through on of the empty window holes but who knew if this building had any staircases and also Sirius had said that he always climbed up that way, so of course James wanted to do it that way too.

After they had hoisted themselves up on the last platform, Sirius stretched and shot James a proud grin. "Pretty cool, innit?"

James jumped after him onto the flat roof. "Pretty cool."

"Come over here, this is the best spot," Sirius said and led James to the other side of the roof.

Here the wind was howling with even more force, tearing at James' body and twirling Sirius' hair into a frantic mess.

"Hope you're not scared of heights," Sirius said with a grin as he dropped down to sit on the raised ledge of the roof, dangling his feet carelessly over the edge.

"Please," James snorted and sat down beside him. "I love to be high up."

"Never would've guessed."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Sirius just hummed instead of an answer and rubbed the small of James' back. "Nice view, huh?"

On this side of the building there was no scaffolding, so the depth lurked beneath their feet unobstructed. James felt a rush of adrenaline at the sight. But that wasn't what Sirius had meant:

In front of them, also unobstructed by buildings or trees, the sun was setting, drenching the suburbs into mellow orange and yellow.

"I didn't know you could be so romantic," James teased with a grin plastered over his face that was hurting his cheeks.

Sirius turned to shoot him a glare but his smile betrayed him. "Gotta keep up with your cheesyness somehow, don't I?"

James snorted and reached out to brush a strand of windswept hair out of Sirius' face. He looked ethereal like this. Lit up by the orange sunrays, his long hair brushed back by the wind, his grey eyes glimmering like hot coals in a hearth. They already felt like home.

He cupped Sirius' cheek with his hand and pulled him into a soft kiss.

He still hadn't gotten used to how that felt. Sirius' lips plush and velvety on his own, his nose brushing gently against his skin as they slotted together like matching puzzle pieces. Maybe they were.

When they broke apart Sirius gave him one of these lopsided smiles, dripping with amusement and fondness at the same time. "You're supposed to watch the sunset, not me."

"You're prettier than the sunset."

Sirius groaned and rolled his eyes, but the smile never left his face. "You are unbearably sappy, you know that?"

"I know! That's my thing," James quipped. "Lure people in with my delicious sap! Like these sun pitchers at the botanical gardens!"

Sirius pulled back a little and gave him a strange look. "What?!"

James' heart sank immediately. Maybe this hadn't been as clever as a joke as he had thought. "They're plants with delicious smelling sap, luring in insects and then - "

"I know what sun pitchers are," Sirius said, eyes still narrowed.

James pulled up his shoulders. "Of course I have no plans of digesting you..." He dug his fingertips into the concrete below him and stared at his feet. This had been a terrible choice of a metaphor...

For a few, terrifying, moments they sat in silence and James feared he may have said something irrevocably bad but then he felt Sirius' arm brush against his as he shifted closer to him.

"Good, because I'm not very easy to stomach."

James looked over to see him smile. Wrily, but still a smile.

"You still look good enough to eat."

Sirius snorted a laugh. "Unbearable."

"I don't know, you seem to bear me well."

"Yeah because I am very resistant."

"Not to my charms, eh?"

"Okay that's it, you're going down," Sirius said and wrapped his arms around James' waist, pretending to nudge him towards the abyss before pulling him back so they both dropped backwards off the ledge onto the rooftop.

Arms slung around eachother they laid there, the sun barely visible over the edge of the ledge.

Sirius' head shifted lower until it rested on James' chest making his heart flutter like it always did when Sirius snuggled up to him like that. It was just a special kind of feeling to hold him like this, cradled in his arms as if he weren't - much to James' distate - half a head taller than him. Like a great dane that had forgotten it was no longer a puppy. Today had only proven that Sirius didn't need anyone to protect him but in moments like these, like right now, he still let James do just that and it felt wonderful.

He let his hand wander up and down Sirius' arm that was draped across his stomach. The scars felt like speedbumps under his fingers.  There were a lot of them, littering Sirius' arms and thighs and parts of his stomach. James had discovered them all over the past weeks. A part of the privilege of getting to know every inch of Sirius' body.

Some were fine and even, and clustered in neat arrays, like barcodes etched into the skin. Others thick and wide, lopsided, deliberately placed, ripping through others without care. Some prominent and pinkish. Some so white and faded, James hadn't even noticed them in the beginning. Those must be older ones, he assumed. Which implied that the others may be more recent. But he didn't know that for sure because he never dared to ask.

James didn't want to ask stupid questions. Not now that Sirius had decided to ditch the longsleeves for summer, now that he finally let James see all of him. He didn't want to ask stupid questions so he kept them tucked behind his teeth, quietly wondering instead.

What did you use for these ones?

Are they all from self-harm?

When was the last time?

You wouldn't do that anymore, would you?

If James was honest with himself he would have had to admit that he was scared of the answer to the last one. Because Sirius would probably give him that smile. That sad one that James couldn't quite read. Or maybe he could but he didn't like the message so he let it go over his head.

He knew that this wasn't fair. Sirius had made more than sure that he knew that he had issues. So he could hardly now ask him to just stop having them, could he?

The thought of Sirius hurting himself tore him apart but maybe that was what love was about. Being a little torn apart. Otherwise it did it even really count?

It was just like in the gym. No pain, no gain.

James threaded his fingers into Sirius' hair and let out a content sigh at the feeling of the silky strands touching his skin. It was nice to have him so close. To know that he was his now - Or at least he hoped that that was the case. They hadn't exactly placed labels on anything and once again, James didn't want to ask stupid questions. Things still felt too delicate and while James was usually not the one to care much about something like that, with Sirius he very much did.

Sirius shifted his head and looked up at him. An unusual sight. James could get used to it.

"You know that you don't have to defend me, right?"

James trailed a finger across Sirius cheek and shuddered pleasantly at the sensation.

Mine, mine, mine.

"I suppose. But you will have to get used to me still trying."

Sirius snorted and lifted himself up so he was hovering over James. "I can handle myself. And I can handle a punch or two. But I don't know how well I'd handle you getting hurt."

"Hmm, so romantic," James hummed, playing with a strand of Sirius' hair that was falling around him like a curtain.

"Will you visit me in prison then?"

"In prison?"

"Yeah, because I will obviously have to avenge you properly. And I don't think you understand what that means."

James grinned. "You'd kill for me, eh?"

Sirius huffed. "You've got no idea..."

James cupped his face and pulled him down for a kiss.

"Of course I'd visit you," he said quietly against his lips. "Only gotta tell my mama, I'm in love with a criminal."

Sirius let out a defeated chuckle and dropped his forehead against James'. "Not the Britney lines, please."

"Hmm, I like the way you beg," James teased and wrapped his legs around Sirius' hips, pulling him close.

Sirius' indignant snort was muffled by James' kisses and soon he sank down onto James' chest, moving his hand into his hair.

If it had been up to James, they would have never been further apart than this. Having Sirius close, breathing in his scent, feeling his skin pressed against his - it was all James could think about when they were apart. Which was far too often.

It wasn't regular, that they got to spend an entire day together like this, so James was eager to use up every precious drop of intimacy he could get when they did.

His hand snuck underneath Sirius' shirt just as his tounge slipped past his lips, his hips canting involuntarily, greedy for more.

Sirius gasped into their kiss and pulled back a little. "What're you doing?"

"Cardio?," James proposed with a sheepish smile and gave Sirius' ass a little squeeze.

Sirius smiled reluctantly. "Here?"

"Can't see why not," James said lowly and pulled Sirius back down, elicting one of these rare and thus precious sighs of pleasure from his - His what? Didn't really matter. His.

His to kiss, his to hold, his to touch.

James' cock twitched at the thought. That Sirius had chosen to let him so close. Allowed him to have him.

He carefully nudged Sirius to the side so he could run his palm over his hip, down into his pants.

Sirius gasped as James' fingers wrapped around his dick, his fingertips digging into James' shoulder, teeth grazing over his lips.

James revelled in the sensation of their tounges circling around eachother, while Sirius grew harder in his hand with every stroke, taking his sweet time, wilfully ignoring his own throbbing erection. He would get off early enough, he always did, so he might as well take it slow.

Sirius didn't seem to be quite on board with that plan though and soon James felt his hand gripping his hip, fingers hooking under the waistband of his shorts -

He barely caught Sirius' wrist before he could touch him - knowing full well he wouldn't be able to keep it together if he did.

"Let me take care of you first," he hummed against Sirius' lips, who gave him a sceptical look.

"You're sure? Could take a while..."

"I know, but I want you to come first. Just this once." He tipped Sirius over, onto his back, and started kissing his neck in that spot he had learned was sure to make him squirm.

It did.

Sirius grabbed onto his elbow and let out a strangled moan when James slipped his fist over his tip.

He was so hard for him...

James deliberately pressed his cock into the cool concrete below him. He needed to calm down a little, otherwise there was no chance Sirius would finish before he did.



Sex with Sirius was amazing. He seemed just as eager to crawl into James' skin as the other way around, always ready to follow him when he dragged him into crumpled sheets, to heavy breaths on sweaty skin.

Sirius seemed to know just how to touch him to make him loose his mind within seconds. Or maybe it was just that James simply couldn't contain himself when Sirius was so close and so naked, moaning his name like that...

And James was good at making Sirius moan. He would say that he was good in bed in general. But with Sirius it was more important. So he had paid close attention to his reactions to everything he did, learned the things he liked and the ones that made him flinch and tense up. James had always been good at academics and Sirius' body was just another complex thing to study, something he could become good at.

Or at least that's what he had thought. Because as much as Sirius seemed to like what James was doing, getting him off was a level of challenge he hadn't been quite prepared for.

It had all been so easy the first time, when Sirius had come for him just like that. And sometimes he still did, but most of the time it wasn't that easy. It could take Sirius ages to come and sometimes they simply didn't have enough time. James hated it, everytime they just stopped without Sirius getting to finish when he had himself already come more than once and was getting awfully drowsy. It made him feel like a failure and try even harder the next time.

This time though, James was sure it would work. If he just focused on Sirius first, before he could get tired, he surely would finish. And it was just fair this way. James was determined to get him off.



But aforementioned determination only lasted so long.

He had really given his all, sucking and licking and stroking in just the ways he knew Sirius liked. And he had been patient. Patiently waiting for Sirius' breath to speed up a little more, for the twitching of his hips turn into pre-climatic tension, for him to grab a hold of James' hair like he always did when he started to get close.

But none of that had happened. Darkness had fallen and the air was starting to get a bit chilly. James' jaw and neck were starting to get sore and his own arousal had left him a while ago, dampend by the uncomfortable position and his focused work on Sirius' cock.

This wasn't about sex anymore, this was about proving a point. To whom, though, James wasn't quite sure.

He lifted off, for the hundredth time to switch from mouth to hand to give his jaw some rest. But his traps had tensed up so much he whinced a little when lifting his arm.

Sirius' eyes immediately flew open. "Are you getting tired?"

James shook his head vigorously, feeling caught. "No, I just maybe need to sit up..." He shifted to sit on his heels. He couldn't give up now!

But Sirius sat up with him, gently pushing his hand away when James reached for him again.

"It's okay, I don't think I can finish today. Let me just take care of you, okay?" He slid a hand in James' neck and pulled him into a soft kiss, leading him down to lay next to him.

But when Sirius' knuckles brushed over James' softened dick, he was the one to stop him. His heart felt heavy with the weight of inadequacy and he really didn't think he could have lived with himself if he let Sirius get him off now, after he had failed so bluntly.

"No, don't worry. We can just cuddle, I'm not really in the mood anymore anyway."

James had done his best to sound as lighthearted as possible, but he could still see the shadow flicker over Sirius' face as he pulled back.

"Oh. Okay. I'm...," Sirius sat up and readjusted his clothes. "I'm sorry."

His face was turned away from James now but he could hear the hurt trough his thick voice, through the way his back rounded, how he pulled his arms around himself.

Fuck.

Quickly James reached out to drag him back down, wrapping his arms tightly around Sirius, pulling him snug against his chest and pressed a kiss onto his cheek. "It's all good Love, don't worry."

Sirius' brow relaxed a bit and he buried his face in the crook of James' neck.

His skin felt soft and wonderful against James' own and he couldn't help but let out a small sigh. As dissapointed as he was in his plan having failed so spectacularly, as much he enjoyed just being close to Sirius like this. Even if his dick still felt a bit indecisive about everything...

He didn't want Sirius to feel bad about this. Apart from James' hurt ego, it was quite alright that he didn't want to continue. There was, surely, no need to apologise about it.

James ran his fingers through Sirius' hair. He still hadn't fully relaxed again, his body felt tense and rigid, as if he was ready to get up any second and bolt.

Great, now he had made him uncomfortable. And completely ruined the moment too, right when it was so romantic with night falling around them...

An idea - or, should I say, a great plan - formed in James' mind.

"You wanna go look at the stars?," he asked and gave Sirius another gentle squish.

Sirius lifted his head. "We are, aren't we?."

"No, but" - James gave him a conspirational smile - "up close."

Sirius rested his chin on James' sternum and raised his eyebrows. "Is that your way of telling me you want to get high? I told you, I'm not really supposed to smoke weed..."

James waved his hand. "No! I mean, I know a place..."

"A place for what?"

James sat up, carefully pushing Sirius' off of him. "Just follow me for a change, how about that?" He got onto his feet and offered Sirius his hand, who took it after a short moment of hesitation.

"Fine, but it better be something cool."

"Trust me. It is."




"Now it's my turn to lead you through the darkness," James said with a proud grin and grabbed Sirius' hand as they entered the pitch black path up the hill.

Sirius acquitted his pompous declaration with an unimpressed huff and pulled out a flashlight from the depths of his cargo pants' pockets. Yet, he didn't let go of James' hand one bit.

James wouldn't have needed the cone of Sirius' flashlight to find the way up to the observatory. He had walked it many times, only in the last months, to work on his research paper. It had become a downright boring routine by now - take the train downtown, walk up the hill, startup the telescope... But right now James was still buzzing with excitement. Sirius would love this. Also, this kind of was cardio...

When they reached the dome shaped building at the top they were both a little out of breath.

"What's in there? Is it abandoned?," Sirius asked, curiosity peaking through his otherwise always so unbothered tone.

"Not quite." James smirked.

Sirius raised a questioning eyebrow at him, but then realisation flashed through his eyes. "Wait. Is this - ?"

"The city's observatory, yes! An we're gonna use it as intended!" James turned towards the door and rummaged in his gymbag, before proudly pulling out the desired object.

Sirius leaned against the wall of the building and crossed his arms. "You've got a lockpicking set?," he asked with a smirk.

"It's a helpful thing to have."

"In your gymbag? Trying to break into the lockers, huh?," Sirius snickered.

"Nah, the lockers have digital locks. You saw them!" James proceeded to kneel and got to work. These YouTube tutorials he had watched would finally pay off! This was the perfect opportunity!

"True, " Sirius mused. "Wouldn't need a pick for that. Probably just a good magnet..." He picked at his nails. "How's it going?"

"Almost got it," James murmured. He could feel the lock moving already. Just one or two more pins...

The lock opened with a click. Yes!
James turned around with a proud grin. Sirius shot him an amused smile. "Not bad."

James stood up and held the heavy door open for Sirius. "After you!"

"Careful, James. If you don't watch out you'll turn into a proper outlaw," Sirius grinned, his voice filled with derision that James knew he didn't mean.

They slipped through the door into the small building and James routinely switched on the PC that controlled the telescope, which Sirius inspected with awe.

"That's so cool," he heard him say quietly and James found himself grinning over both ears.

"See? I told you, you would like this."

"Can we turn it on?"

"Of course, that's why we're here, aren't we?" James turned around just in time to see the beaming grin spread across Sirius' face. It made him absurdly happy.

"Do you want to open the roof?" He pointed Sirius the way to the buttons on the wall that operated the roof panels. "It's the left one. Press it until it stops blinking."

Sirius walked over a bit too quickly to successfully hide his excitement and his eyes lit up further, as the roof made a rumbling noise and started shifting to the side, revealing the clear night sky above them.



James' heart threatened to burst with fondness as he watched Sirius' growing giddiness when he showed him how to position the telescope so he could get a good view of the moon, or when he pointed out the different craters and told him all the facts he knew. Something that tended to bore people a little - not that James cared - but Sirius listened attentively and was downright ecstatic when James showed him the 'bland stuff' on the computer: Maps and coordinates of the celestial bodies and at which angle they were at from where they were standing.

Sirius quickly got the hang of it and when James offered to let him put in the settings so they could get a good zoom of his personal favorite part of the milky way he operated the program surprisingly unerring. James was quietly impressed.

"We can also zoom in on some stars if you'd like," he offered, his cheeks heated by the excitement of being able to show Sirius something new. "We could do yours, or Andromeda, the Pleiades, Regulus - "

He hadn't been thinking. It still took him a second to understand why Sirius' face froze over.

Shit.

"Sorry," James said lamely, unsure how he was supposed to fix the situation. "I forgot."

"It's fine," Sirius said dryly. "He's easy to forget."

James' heart clenched. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to - "

"It's fine," Sirius interrupted him sharply and leaned forward to focus on the computer again. "Let's do the Pleiades."

James quietly showed Sirius the coordinates on the map and let him enter the correct angles into the program. They watched in silence as the telescope adjusted its position with a deep hum.

As Sirius stepped onto the small platform to look through the telescope, James followed him.

"I'm really sorry."

"Yeah, and I said it is fine." Sirius' tone suggested otherwise.

James pulled up his shoulders. "You never talk about it."

"Why would I?" Sirius sounded cold. It made James' heart ache.

"Don't do this."

"Don't do what?"

"Shut me out."

Sirius let out a bitter laugh and turned around. His expression was blank and distant, but it mellowed at an instant when his eyes met James'.

His entire posture shifted into something softer and he sighed. "It's okay James." This time it sounded like he meant it. "I just don't want to talk about my family."

"I know but... You can. You know that, right? I am always here for you."

Sirius smiled wrily and took his hand. "I know. It's just... I would prefer to just not think about it."

James frowned. "But is that - "

"Healthy? Reasonable? A viable option? Probably not, no. But I just - Look, James, I've got enough going on without thinking about my brother's untimely demise. So let me handle this my way. Okay?"

James nodded reluctantly. He really didn't like this. Bottling things up was never a good thing but he somehow doubted that Sirius would be very receptive to that advise. Or that he hadn't been told this before...

So instead of saying anything James just squeezed Sirius' hand and pulled him closer. The last bits of heaviness peeled off his heart at the feeling of their noses bumping into eachother as they slowly merged together in the dim light of the dome.

James wrapped his arms around Sirius' neck and pulled him closer to deepen their kiss, his tounge slipping past his lips without meeting resistance.

I'm here, he thought, and somehow he felt like Sirius could hear it.

They bumped into the desk as they shuffled off the platform towards the wall, James' hand tangled in Sirius' hair and Sirius' fingers digging into James' sides and back. Their kisses were still unhurried, but the intensity of the way their tounges touched, the way their breath was syncing up, and the way the heat grew in the nonexistent gap between their bodies left no doubt about where this was going.

"Do you wanna cash in that blow job from earlier?," Sirius whispered against James' lips.

James' laugh came out a bit shaky as his hazy mind thought about the possibility of Sirius dropping to his knees and -

"I thought you don't like giving head," he hummed and stole another kiss from those lips he would very much like to feel further south - but only if Sirius wanted this too.

"I'm sure you're the exception," Sirius murmured and trailed kisses along James' jaw, down to his neck.

James shivered as he felt long fingers pulling down the waistband of his shorts. "You really don't have to though," he insisted and cupped Sirius' chin to tip his head back up.

"But I want to." Sirius gave him another, silencingly good kiss before kneeling down and running his palms over James' already aching erection.

"Fuck," James hissed and absentmindedly dug his fingers into Sirius' hair.

Sirius tensed up for a moment but before James could react to this he already dipped forward and ran his tounge over the needy shaft in front of him.

James let out an embarrassing whimper. God, what was wrong with him?! He really had reverted to a teenager with Sirius...



James noticed quickly that Sirius' dislike for blowjobs certainly hadn't caused a lack of experience. He seemed to know exactly how he had to move his head and wrap his tounge around the base, how to suck at the top and lick and stroke. Needless to say it didn't take long before James had to press out a warning as he felt his orgasm approaching like a german ICE-3 on a particularly good day.

He expected Sirius to pull off and was ready to akwardly catch his cum with his shirt but he didn't. And James was too surprised and overwhelmed to pull him off or hold back so he came straight into Sirius' mouth.

Sirius coughed and pulled a face as he pulled of.

"Sorry! I warned you but you didn't -"

Sirius waved his hand dismissively and got back onto his feet. "It's fine, I heard you. But it would have been too much of a mess otherwise."

James shook his head in disbelief and pulled up his pants. "You're not a dumpster, Sirius!"

He was almost pissed at the thought that Sirius apparently thought he had to do this. They could have cleaned this up easily with James' gym towel. Or the tissues his colleague with the chronically running nose kept in one of the drawers. It would have been fine.

Sirius only rolled his eyes at James' indignation. "It's okay, I won't die from swallowing cum."

"It's not about that!," James insisted. "I don't want you to do things you don't like just to...Just to please me!"

"I told you I wanted it!"

"Yeah but that was a lie, wasn't it?" James was suddenly very sure this was true. Sirius' eyes flickered elsewhere.

"It wa- "

Sirius was cut off by the door flying open and two men in uniform storming the observatory.

"Hands up, Police!"

"Oh, fuck me," Sirius groaned under his breath.

James stepped forward. What the hell was this about, now? And at the worst possible moment! Well, maybe not the worst...

"Hands up!," one of the officers repeated with emphasis. "You're under arrest!"

Sirius snorted. "You can't arrest us for trespassing. The door was open!"

"Nice try, but we got your little friend here on video, picking the lock," The second cop, a stocky redhead, said and gestured with his baton. "Now hands up!"

Sirius rolled his eyes but reluctantly complied. James followed suit. If Sirius was going along with the cops' commands they must really be in trouble.

Or maybe he has a plan..., he thought hopefully. He really had no interest in getting arrested for this.

"But I've got the keys," James said. "I am authorized to enter this building! If you just let me - " He reached for his phone.

"Hands up!," yelled the other cop (James began to think that maybe that was all he could say) and pulled his gun.

Sirius immediately shoved James to the side, moving himself between him and the armed officer. This didn't seem to sit right with the two men. Now the other cop drew his gun as well, while the Hands-Up Pokémon unsuccessfully attempted to wrestle Sirius to the ground.

"Hands up against the wall!," the ginger officer commanded and helped his colleague to shove Sirius against it before he would even have had the chance to comply.

James wanted to protest but it only came out as an unintelligible huff as the same happened to him. The officers began to pat them both down.

"Hey, what the fuck is that about?," James yelped as a pair of very much unauthorized hands ran over his thighs.

"Looking for weapons," ginger cop explained curtly.

"Weapons?! Why the fuck would we have weapons?"

"Never know with your kind," Pokémon muttered. Apparently he did know some words after all.

"Yeah, better make sure I'm not hiding any knives," Sirius sneered and the officer promptly grabbed him by the neck, shoving his head roughly against the wall.

"Hey!," James shouted. "You're not allowed to do that!"

"Yeah, and you're not allowed to be in here, kid," ginger cop sneered and pulled James' hands behind his back to handcuff him.

"That still doesn't authorise you to use unnecessary force - ouch!"

"Leave it James, they don't care," Sirius said and held out his hands for Pokémon cop.

"I wouldn't say the force is unnecessary," ginger said with what, James just knew, was a sleazy smile.

"Yeah, people like you gotta see consequences or you'll never learn. You can't come to our country and just vandalise state property!"

"Come to your country?!," James spluttered, his cheeks flushing with righteous fury. "We'll see who will have to face consequences after this! Also, this isn't state property but - "

"Shut up, boy, before you get yourself into more trouble." Ginger pulled James by the shoulders and roughly nudged him towards the door. "You can tell all of that to your state attorny."



The path down the hill James spent in grim silence. This wasn't right! If they had just let him talk this could have all been cleared up easily. He was allowed to enter the observatory whenever he wanted! He had a key token from the university. He'd only picked the lock because he had wanted to impress Sirius. Unfortunately he had forgotten about the silent alarm and camera, that happend to be disarmed by the token reader...

He looked over to Sirius who was keeping his head down. It didn't feel right. That wasn't like him at all. They better hadn't hurt him...

James balled his hands into fists and struggled defiantly against the handcuffs. They were too tight and it was pissing him off. They hadn't even resisted! But apparently not looking like a freshly peeled parsnip was enough to be mistreated in this country!

When they reached the road at the bottom of the hill, ginger officer let go of James' arm to unlock the parked police car. The blue light was still flashing. Ridiculous, James thought and tried once more to make eyecontact with Sirius. This time successfully.

What he wasn't prepared for was what he would see:

Sirius had somehow gotten out of his handcuffs and was casually pulling Pokémon-cop's gun from the holster.

"Fetch!," he called before tossing it across the street.

The, rightfully, confused cops were too busy staring after the weapon that had just landed in a hedge to notice how Sirius grabbed James' arm and, for the second time today, implored him to run.

They had already made it a few yards into the park that surrounded the observatory hill before they could hear the agitated shouting of the police men that had apparently finally noticed their departure.

The park was as dark as the path up the hill and so they stumbled around a bit aimlessly before they finally found a scarcely lit alleyway. The flashlights of the cops were flickering through the dense trees behind them.

"This way," Sirius said in a hushed voice and ushered James towards a dumpster against a brickwall.

"I am not hiding in there!," James hissed back. "I'm not a fucking racoon!"

"I didn't tell you to," Sirius shot back and instead offered James his hands to step on.

James understood quickly and let Sirius help him onto the dumpster and then over the wall. Climbing with his hands on his back was a bit cumbersome but Sirius did a great job boosting him up and catching his fall on the way down the other side.

Behind the wall was the parking lot of a supermarket. It was deserted and at this hour and drenched in comforting darkness. Sirius led James along the walls into another alley.

"Do you know where you're going?," James asked. He wasn't entirely sure why they were running, but not following Sirius had simply not been an option. But he was still in handcuffs and that concerned him a little. If someone saw them now it would be rather obvious that they were up to no good...

"Don't worry, James," Sirius whispered with a conspirational smirk. "I know just the place."



James was once more impressed by how well Sirius seemed to know the city. Following paths and alleyways James had never seen before in the years he had lived here, he seemed to never loose direction. Or maybe he was just very good at hiding it.

James' injured shoulder was protesting against the uncomfortable position and he was really getting tired. He had intended to get a workout in today but this had all actually been a bit much. He didn't understand how Sirius could still look so fresh and unbothered.

He licked his dry lips and thought longingly about the waterbottle in his gymbag. The gymbag that was still somewhere in the observatory....

Fuck. Hopefully the cops wouldn't go back and find it.

They turned a corner and stepped out onto a bigger street. James threw Sirius a concerned look.

"What if someone sees us?!"

Sirius put a calming hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry. We're there."

Then he swung himself over the fence of the window well of a peculiar looking multi-family house. The entire facade was painted in different graffiti and letterings and the lower wall was plastered in posters for events James had never heard off.

Sirius helped him to get over the railing and then they both hopped down the window well, landing in front of a lit up window that seemed to be covered in some sort of frosted glass foil from the inside.

Sirius knocked against the glass. "One three one two, I hate nazis, so do you."

The window was opened and a haggard man of unidentifiable age with an impressive amount of rings in his ears stuck his head out.

"We don't have a passphrase."

"But it still worked, didn't it?," Sirius grinned. "Hi Barley."

"Ah, it's you," Barely said and looked James up and down. "Get in you rascals."

They climbed through the window into what James would have otherwise described as a pub.

It had a small wooden bar with a mirror behind it that was so greasy and scratched that there was no way to recognise yourself in it, tables and chairs that looked like they had been in here for centuries and braved many brawls in their lifetime and the stench of a windowless establishment that took the smoking ban more as a general guideline than an actual rule. Over the door hung a sign with the poorly painted image of a wild boar that was only discernible because of the lettering below it: The Hogs Head.

Apart from the man that had granted them entry there were three more people residing in this inviting establishment.

Two kids with colourful hair and half as much piercings as Barley, sitting over their beers they seemed a bit young for, and who regarded them with cautious looks. And the large, broad shouldered man  standing behind the bar, dressed in a shirt with a kitten wearing a pink ribbon. It said Alpha Male.

The barman greeted Sirius as if he was a regular. "Well, well, look who has come to bless us again. Haven't seen you in a while! Got worried you got into trouble, laddie."

Sirius clicked his tounge but smiled. "Evening Hagrid. Sorry I haven't been around. I just was busy. Got a job, you know."

"Aye, I see," Hagrid said and placed two glasses on the counter. "Barley worried it may have been because of your fight with Nickel. Watch'a wanna drink?"

"Yeah, that too," Sirius grumbled and sat down on one of the barstools. "A Guinness for me and he only drinks Light." Sirius nodded towards James who hesitantly approached the bar.

Where the fuck were they? And why had Sirius never told him about this? Was this some sort of secret meetup?! Why did they all know Sirius? And who was Nickel?!

While Hagrid poured their beers, Barley threw a look at James' tied hands. "Got yourself into some shit with the cops, huh?"

"Yeah," Sirius said and offered James his glass so he could drink.

He took a careful sip to avoid making a mess. Not that it would have mattered, the floor was already sticky.

"We could use some boxcutters, if you may." Sirius shot Hagrid a charming smile that almost made James' a little jealous again. That smile should be for him only...

"Aren't you worried they'll search for us?," James finally asked and hoisted himself onto one the barstools.

"Nah," Sirius said dismissively. "They might recognize me but you're safe. You've got a forgettable face."

The grin tugging at his lips and the glint in his eyes told James everything he needed to know about the truth of that statement. His heart did a complicated move in his chest while he felt a flush creep over his face.  Yeah, right. That smile was only for him.

Hagrid chuckled. "Alright, I'm gonna leave ya two lovebirds alone and look for the cutters then."

James sighed and leaned forward to slurp some more of his beer. Sirius tipped the glass for him to help.

"Thanks," James said and moved his hand to wipe his mouth but got sorely reminded why he had drank in that peculiar way in the first place.

"Ugh, fuck that," he grumbled and threw a jelous look at Sirius' free wrists. "How'd you even get out of yours?! Fucking Houdini."

Sirius laughed out loud at his frustrated complaints. "You just need to hold your hands a certain way when they put them on. And I can dislocate my thumbs." He popped one out of the socket to demonstrate. James watched in alarm.

"Doesn't that hurt?!"

"Nah, just a little."

James looked back at his tied hands in consideration.

"No! You don't do that!," Sirius said quickly and grabbed his arms. The concern in his voice felt good. "I just have loose joints, this would hurt much more for you. And also Hagrid will be back in a second."

James sighed and did his best to relax his arms. "Fine then."

"Also," Sirius continued with a suggestive smirk. "Handcuffs look good on you. Maybe you should wear them more often."

James laughed and bumped his knee into Sirius'. "Anything that gets you off."

Sirius' eyes clouded over. "What do you mean?"

"Well I just meant if it helps - "

"It's not about - Forget it." Sirius looked grimly down at his beer before taking a long sip.

James had the sinking feeling that he had said something bad again. He pressed his knee a bit more against Sirius' thigh. He reciprocated.

"It's fine," Sirius murmured without looking up. "I'm sorry I take so long."

"That's not what I - "

"Hey there mate!," a cheerful, yet ceremonious voice sounded from behind them.

Another person had entered the Hogs Head. Through the door this time.

Sirius turned and greeted the newcomer with a hesitant smile. "Karl, how's it going."

"Amazing! Fancy seeing you here! Did you read the pamphlets then? Are you gonna join?"

"Join what?," James asked who had about enough of people that seemed to know Sirius. And here he had thought he was somewhat of a recluse!

"The antifa!," Karl said. "We always need more people to fight the local fascists!"

"Figue we've already done that today without joining any club," James said and rolled his hurt shoulder.

"We also have a political reading group and workshops about - "

Sirius brushed him off. "Yes, Karl, I still have that pamphlet. We'll consider it, okay?"

Karl raised a bushy eyebrow. "Please do. We need all the support we can get! There was a large nazi group in the city centre earlier."

Sirius took a sip from his beer and  exchanged a knowing smile with James. "Hmm yeah I think we saw them, didn't we?"

Karl offered James a flyer, realised he couldn't take it and place it in front of him on the bar top instad. "Here," he said. "Maybe you're companion wants to have one as well."

"Companion?," James asked as Karl wandered off to talk to the teens in the corner. "What is he, a time traveler from the 1840s?"

Sirius just shrugged.

Just then Hagrid reappeared with the box cutters. "Alright, let's take off that jewellery," he hollered before stepping around the bar and severing the handcuffs with two forceful snaps.

James rubbed his wrists in relief. "Thank you, I found it a bit tacky."



***



"Did you know swans mate for life?," Sirius asked and threw another handful of peas into the greedy flock of ducks at their feet.

They were sitting on a park bench by the canal, enjoying the evening sunrays - and the sight of Henry, the swan, who had just been happily reunited with another swan who seemed to have expected his return with tension. Now the two birds were swimming around eachother in extatic circles, gabbling at eachother.

James watched them with a smile. He had grown rather fond of Henry in the past two weeks.

"I always thought all birds do that."

"No," Sirius said and stretched out his long legs. "A lot of them are monogamous but that's not the same as a lifelong pair bond. That is more rare. Ducks for example - " He tossed some more peas which caused some excited gabbling. " - only mate for one season. Swans are special."

Henry and his mate seemed to be done with their reunion dance and now took interest in the peas. They waddled onto shore, shooing the ducks to the side to secure their access to the tasty green snacks.

"Have you considered joining one of the reading groups?," James asked and pulled Karl's flyer from his pocket.. He had indeed read through it and upon further consideration it had seemed like a good idea to encourage Sirius to pick up a hobby. And if that hobby happened to be a communist reading group then so be it. "They've got one called Law & Legal Advice, and I feel like you could make some use of that..."

So far their eventful encounter with the police hadn't had any consequences. James had found his gymbag where he left it, tucked under the desk at the observatory and his token privileges hadn't been revoked so he figured maybe they had really gotten away. But you never knew.

"Nah, thank you. I know all I need to know about my rights and the realities of not getting them. Also I dont think reading groups are my thing," Sirius said and offered Henry some peas that he picked right from his palm.

"But you like reading!"

"Yeah, but I don't like people who go to reading groups."

James laughed. "Oh come on? Not even the Grandmas against Nazis ? It says they're reading Lord of the Rings right now and analysing it for Themes of hope and comradery needed for a successful revolution. You cannot hate on communist grandmas, Sirius!"

"Guess I cannot," Sirius said with a smile and took the flyer from James.

As his eyes skimmed across the text James couldn't help but admire his features. The freckles that had gotten more crowded on his cheekbones, the bit of stubble on his chin and jawline, the small crease between his brows when he was reading.

He'd probably look great with one of those old reading glasses. And some grey streaks.... He'll always look great.

Sirius smiled at something on the flyer. A wave of warmth washed over James at the sight. He would never get sick of just watching Sirius. Or listening to him talk. Hearing him laugh, or run after him through tunnels and alleys and trails in the park.

James reached out and brushed some hair behind Sirius' ear, caressing his cheek with his fingers as he did so. He would never get sick of that either.

Absentmindedly he ate a pea from their bag.

Sirius looked up from the flyer and laughed. "Stop it, these are for the swans! You're not a swan, James!"

"Who knows," James laughed and looked down at Henry and his mate, cleaning their feathers near the water. Then he looked over to Sirius who seemed to be watching the birds as well. "Maybe I am."

Chapter Text

Sirius rubbed his temple as he watched the fields fly by from the window. The train was rattling along the tracks, green meadows lit by sunlight passed by and he got to watch from his window seat. The wagon was silent apart from an elderly couple quietly talking a few seats down. In other conditions this would have been a relaxing experience. Right now the silence made Sirius want to peel his skin off.

He was on his way to London - the city he had been avoiding like the plague since he left it, the city he had sworn himself to never set a bloody foot in ever again. But what other choice did he have? Just not going was hardly an option.

Begrudgingly, Sirius took a sip from the Ribena James had forced him to take with him. "If you refuse to eat you should at least have some liquid calories.You're going to collapse otherwise!"

He is starting to sound like Pommy already, Sirius thought and smiled despite himself. James really took good care of him.

The first week after their kiss - and what had commenced afterwards - Sirius had been awfully anxious. That maybe it had just been a one off thing for James. That maybe he did have some sort of hidden agenda after all and was just waiting for him to let his guard down. That he would finally realise the extent of Sirius' issues and take flight like a sensible person.

Instead James had shown up each and every day to prove him wrong. He had picked him up from his closing shifts to help him lock up without his OCD kicking off again. He had texted Sirius pretty much every waking hour they spent apart, sent him hour long voice memos that he listened to before he went to bed - if James wasn't staying the night anyways, like he often did. In sum, he had been lovely. Caring and sweet to a degree that Sirius found it almost overwhelming. Not even Bucket had been like that and Bucket had been the closest to happiness he'd ever been. Or at least that's what he had thought until now...

The truth was, there was no place Sirius had ever felt safer than in James' arms. Tightly wrapped around him they seemed to be able to fend off all his fears, turning his darkness into a negligible background hum. But at the same time this scared him. Because what should he do when James left? James was doing so much for him, so what would he do when he inevitably got tired of it, realised that Sirius could hardly repay him. How could he ever deal with not having him anymore, now that he knew what it felt like when he did? The thought of scaring James off now, after all his attempts of deterring him had failed, felt unbearable.

So Sirius had done his best not to do that. To seem normal. Well, as normal as one was able to seem with weekly therapy appointments and a stack of emergency medication in the bathroom cabinet. But things had been better! He'd been able to eat a little more again, if only to not seem completely off his rocker next to James, and he'd been swapping his hoodies for T-shirts, if only because he liked the feeling of James' hands running over his bare arms, and he'd been sticking to his medication plan meticulously. If only to not run into any issues that could scare James. Which was good and bad at the same time.

Good, because so far it had been working as intended. No bouts of psychosis, no speech impediments, no intrusive thoughts that sent him spiraling - he'd been pretty functional! Apart from in the bedroom...which leads us to the bad part: Sex had been a nightmare.

Not because James was bad, quite the contrary. He was really good at making Sirius feel like he was only seconds away from finally getting there - but then he rarely ever did. If he did, it took him so long he still felt guilty for making James work so hard. Part of Sirius didn't want to even have sex anymore because of this. It was stressing him out eventhough, or maybe because, James was so determined to get him to climax each time. It made him feel like he had to deliver, now that James had spent so much time trying and put in so much effort, but unfortunately it wasn't something he could control. So although everything James did felt amazing Sirius had begun to dread sleeping with him. It usually ended the same: with James mildly frustrated and Sirius feeling that familiar boulder of guilt resting on his chest. And yet he just couldn't say no...

James would never pressure him, Sirius knew that. He always double checked if he wanted to have sex. But because Sirius knew that, he just couldn't bring himself to decline. Because James clearly wanted to but would never push him, so how could he know when his no was one too many? How could he know when James started to get fed up with his unwillingness or became unsatisfied if he wouldn't even roll his eyes at him? Sirius wasn't willing to take any chances.

Which was also why James wasn't with him right now, eventhough he wanted nothing more than the soothing safety of his boyfriend's arms around him. He couldn't risk James seeing him with his family...

He hadn't seen his parents in so long. Who knew how things would go. He certainly didn't. He just knew that he was growing more anxious with each metre he was getting closer to London.

The chapel was filled with people. People in suits, people in dresses, certainly noone in a pair of cargopants and a band shirt. Good, Sirius thought grimly. That way it would be clear he didn't belong here.

He took another look at the invitation card. It was already a bit crinkled from being carried around so carelessly, clutched in a sweaty fist. In Memoriam. Sirius still wondered if they really had intended to invite him. Maybe it was a mix up.

"Are you family?"

Sirius looked up at the friendly looking priest who had approached him. His fingers closed around the piece of paper again. "Used to be."

He passed the man before he had the chance to ask any further questions and found himself a spot in the back of the chapel. The wooden bench was hard and the air smelled musky. Sirius would never get how people managed to find any sort of divinity in a place like this. They had to be pretty determined. Or pretty desperate.

Sirius peered through the gaps between the heads in front of him. He wasn't sure what he was looking for. He knew she was there. He didn't need to see her to be sure. Still his eyes kept searching until his mother stepped into his view, dressed in black silk and an absurdly dramatic lacey veil covering her face. Sirius still recognised her by the way his bones chilled.

He sucked in a breath through his teeth and curled his fingers around the hem of his shirt as her image struck him almost like a shock. His heartbeat was stumbling and he averted his eyes to stare at his shoelaces instead.

Apple. Banana. Cherry. Date. Elderberry - does that count as a fruit? Botanically for sure. Fig. Gooseberry. Hibiscus - no, wait that's definitely not a fruit. What's a fruit with ‘H’? He already felt his heartbeat calm down.

"Can I help you, young man?," a pointy voice piped up next to him.

Sirius looked up into the indignant expression of an elderly lady that had taken seat beside him. She was clad in a black costume, eyeing his attire with disdain.

"Fruit with ‘H’?'," he mumbled, still breathless.

Her meticulously plucked eybrows rose. "I beg your pardon?"

"What fruit starts with ‘H’? Do you reckon Holly Berry counts? It's not exactly one word and not edible but it technically is a fruit." James would know this. Why didn't he bring James.

"I do not know what are you on about, Sir. This is the memorial ceremony for Mister Regulus Black! If you are hiding from the immigration police please do so somewhere else!" She was only hissing her words through her teeth, but her words still managed to turn some curious heads at them.

Now Sirius was the one pulling a confused grimace. "Immigration police? Is that what they call it nowadays?"

Someone in front of them gestured at them to be quiet. The priest had stepped up in front of the altar and was waiting patiently for conversations to die down.

The lady snorted and turned her head to the front with a haughty snap. "Behave yourself or I'll have you removed!"

Sirius crossed his arms and leaned back. "Oh, I would like to see that," he murmured under his breath and forced himself to direct his eyes back to the front. The little squarrel with his seat neighbour had served as a good distraction but he was still feeling queasy. He hadn't expected seeing her would hit him like that - after so many years.

To his relief his mother appeared to have sat down, so his eyes only found the priest, who was now beginning his speech in a thin voice. His words barely reached Sirius.

Because how could he tell if any of the claims this man made about Regulus were true? Had he really been an "aspiring young man" with "many friends and a family who missed him dearly"? The chapel was filled with mourners but did they all miss him?

Did he miss him?

Sirius' contact with his younger brother had ended when he had fled from the clinic, but their relationship had been far from close before that. Regulus had always been a little too fond of holding his nose up high. When Sirius recoiled at his mother's insistence that they were somehow better than the kids from the nearby public school, that of course neither of the brothers ever set a foot in, Regulus welcomed the praise wholeheartedly. And Sirius' departure to the clinic certainly hadn't helped with his arrogance.

Suddenly he was the son of the house. The important one. The true heir. He had kept rubbing that under Sirius' nose at every chance he got during the visits. That he would now inherit everything. That Sirius was just an unimportant looney and the only reason - he was certain - they kept visiting was that their parents needed to make sure he didn't bring any more shame onto the family.

As if Sirius hadn't had more pressing problems at that time than his bloody inheritance... And maybe that was the real thing that made that memory sting. Seeing the way his brother looked at him change from the admiration of early childhood in which he naturally had always been just a little step ahead of him, into the worry and fear when Sirius' first symptoms began to show, when suddenly he wasn't the brother Regulus huddled up to after nightmares but the one he avoided because he was acting “strange and scary”. Until eventually that fear turned into apprehension and derision at this broken boy he was supposedly related to.

Sirius wrapped his arms around himself and sank further into the bench. He'd been better off without that arrogant little twat, he thought. So why was he here? For closure? What kind of closure would this give him? Regulus was dead, he would not answer any of his questions. Being here wouldn't suddenly make everything okay again.

When the invite had arrived Sirius' first reaction had been a measured and reasonable panic attack, complete with frantically throwing up as if emptying his stomach would somehow help him regain control over the situation. James had bravely held him through it - of course he had - and thankfully not insisted on Sirius explaining his reaction. He had no idea how he could have explained that.

Yet there has never been a question whether he'd be going. Noone had questioned why he was following the invite, except himself. Of course he would go to his brother's funeral. Everyone would do that… But Sirius didn't need a stupid funeral to say goodbye. To let go. He didn't even like funerals! The only one he'd ever been on had been Uncle Alphard's and he barely remembered that day - which probably didn't speak in favour of the experience.

Instead he just felt like he had to go. If he didn't, something bad would happen. If to him or someone else was not clear but staying away certainly would have consequences.

And now he was here, miles away from the safety of his flat and the comfort of James' presence, in a chapel stuck in between a bunch of posh people he didn't know nor cared for knowing.

Sirius didn't get why the funeral was held in a chapel anyways. His parents had never been avid Christians. He knew that Regulus and him had been baptised as children - only because when he had started working he'd suddenly had to pay church tax and promptly left the church to avoid it - but apart from that none of them had ever set a foot into any houses of God. This entire thing just felt like a big show. Like the dinner parties his mother had held back when he'd still lived at home.

Sirius' skin crawled as a thought wormed itself towards the surface of his mind. What if this was also just a big show? What if this was for him? To lure him back to London, to catch him and send him back into a clinic, to finally regain control of the runaway son that brought them nothing but shame? It all made sense! Why else would they have invited him?! Sirius needed his entire self restraint to keep himself from jumping up and climbing over the benches to get out. Every fiber inside him wanted to flee.

He took a deep breath and pressed his palms onto his thighs. Everything was okay. Noone would trap him. Why would so many people be involved in the ploy of his mother? She had probably just invited him by accident. Or maybe someone else had been responsible for sending out the cards and had just gone through a list of names. His pulse slowly calmed back down.

The constant ups and downs had made him feel tired and exhausted already, couldn't wait to get back home tonight. He'd call James and ask him to come over and then everything would be okay. His body relaxed at the thought of James' arms loosely wrapped around him, being able to rest his head on his chest. He would be okay...

Hawthorn berry. That was a fruit with ‘H’! Now ‘I’, that was a whole new problem…

Sirius barely noticed when the speech came to an end, so lost had he been in his own thoughts, that he was startled by everyone around him getting up and queueing in front of the altar.

What was happening? Were they lining up for condolences? Oh God, please no… He hadn't thought about that. He couldn't do that! What would he even say? “Sorry it wasn't me”? No way, he had to avoid this at all cost.

He looked around frantically, searching for an insuspicious path to leave the chapel, slowly following his unfriendly seat neighbour into the aisle, when he saw his mother stepping outside through the side entrance. She was wiping her eyes with a handkerchief like she was some Victorian lady in mourning and Sirius had to surpress an eyeroll. His mother had always had a sense for the dramatic. But if she wasn't standing by the altar the line must be for something else.

Soon he found out what it was. When the line had progressed far enough that Sirius could see, it was clear that the people had queued up not for the living but for the dead. One by one they approached the coffin and put down something next to it, adding to the growing assortment of flowers, letters and trinkets that - he assumed - were to be buried with his brother.

Sirius couldn't imagine that this practice was very ecological or made any sort of sense whatsoever - it’s not like the dead could still read - but he was too far to the front now to sneak out without drawing attention to himself and he became acutely aware that he didn't have anything to put down.

He searched through his pockets but the only thing he came up with were his emergency Ativan, a pack of cigs, the wrapper of a muesli bar, about a pound in loose change and the lighter. The lighter was not going anywhere, the meds and cigarettes had no buisness being in the soil and he somehow doubted that Regulus would have been a big fan of having coins placed on his eyes for the ferry man - he probably preferred to pay by card - so Sirius was slowly starting to panic.

Would it be weird if he just didn't put anything down? If he just kept walking? So far it seemed like everyone had put placed down some offering, even if it was just a small card, but the only piece of paper Sirius had on him was his filled out organ donor card and that seemed a little inappropriate. None of his organs would make Regulus alive again.

It was almost his turn now. He took a steadying breath and tried to ignore the feeling that was bubbling up inside him again like acid, crawling over his insides. He would just get this over with. Say his goodbyes and then fuck off back to London. Back to James. It would all be okay.

A tap on his shoulder startled him out of his racing thoughts. A young woman carrying a whole boquet of pink roses stood behind him.

“Take one,” she said, looking him up in down with the same disparaging glare that lady had earlier. “I don't want you to embarrass yourself, having come unprepared.”

In other circumstances Sirius would have shot something back but he was too hazy and overwhelmed to come up with anything but a mumbled “Thank you” before he turned around and stepped towards the coffin.

They had put a picture of Regulus on top of the wooden box that - Sirius was a little too aware - held his body. A body that they had fished out of a lake weeks ago. He didn't want to imagine what it must look like now.

He bent down to place the rose carefully next to the picture frame, only catching a short glimpse of the face of a “promising young man” with a clean shaven face and his short curls brushed back with a slather of pomade, before he made his way towards the door as fast as the setting allowed it.

The man on the photo hadn't looked like the image of Regulus he had kept in his memory. And at the same time it really did. The same self-assured smile, the plastered on facade of self-confidence that was only betrayed by the deep insecurity in his watery eyes.

Sirius ran his palm over his face as he stepped outside into the graveyard where the funeral party was assembling. He felt nauseous and frustrated. If this had been supposed to bring him closure it was turning out to be a great dissapointment. He didn't feel very closed. Quite the contrary, this experience was tearing open the stitches he had placed so carefully over the past years, causing the cracks to split open again, making memories ache like battle wounds. He should never have come here. He couldn't save Regulus, he was already gone. What a foolish idea this had been.

“Sirius?”

Startled he spun around towards the voice beside him.

“You came! I'm so glad!,” Andromeda exclaimed and pulled him into a warm hug he hadn't been prepared for.

“Someone sent me an invite. I suppose it was a mix up,” he said, forcing a smile to return hers.

“Oh no it wasn't. I sent it. When I found out Walburga wasn't inviting you I took matters into my own hands. I mean he was your brother!”

Sirius felt cold. “So she doesn't know I’m here?,” he asked slowly.

Andromeda frowned. “Didn't you speak to her yet?”

Sirius stared at the group of people he suspected to contain his mother. “No. And I don't think I will.” He should leave now. Something was wrong, he could feel it.

“How have you been doing? I haven't heard from you since last Christmas.”

“Good,” Sirius lied, eyes still fixed on the group. He was sure he could see the top of his mother's hat poke through. His heart beat too slow and too fast at the same time.

“Do you still have that job at the, what was it again? Burger King?”

“McDonald's and no, I work as a barista now. It's a bit less beeping and less greasy, customers still annoying,” he said briefly.

“Oh, but that sounds nice! I bet you meet the most interesting people there.”

Sirius thought about James. His fingers wandered into his pocket, wrapping around the lighter. The birds in the trees were singing too loud.

Andromeda continued to involve him in conversation, asking questions that Sirius didn't know how to answer. When the pallbearers emerged with the coffin and the party moved to trail behind them, he was glad to have a break from her.

It wasn't that he didn't like her. Andromeda had always been his favourite family member. She and Uncle Alphard had been the only ones that he’d never felt unsafe around or like he was being watched. She'd also been the only one he had seen after he had left the clinic.

But right now he struggled to even process what she was saying. His mind felt hazy, like he was driving through thick fog and needed his entire focus to not loose track of the road and drive into a ditch. Coordinating his speech was hard enough but thinking of what he wanted to say seemed an insurmountable task. So Sirius was glad that for some merciful minutes all he had to do was to walk and keep his head down.

He and Andi kept to the end of the trail of mourners, only the young woman from earlier was behind them. Sirius could see her from the corner of his eye, heard her footsteps crunch in the gravel of the path. He wondered who she was. A friend of Regulus? His usual posse - the ones Sirius recognized from childhood - were walking ahead, close to the coffin. If she belonged to their circle why was she back here? Had his mother sent her to keep an eye on him? Maybe she knew that he was here after all…

Sirius balled his hands into fists and swallowed around the growing lump in his throat. He needed to get out of here. The birds were staring at him.

They arrived at the grave, lining up near the grave that was gaping in front of him like a mound of hell, ready to swallow up the coffin. Sirius’ eyes darted over to his mother. Her eyes were fixed at the pallbearers but he was sure she must know he was here. Between the other guests dressed in their sunday wardrobes, he was sticking out like a sore thumb. His mother stepped forward and his blood ran cold as her eyes ghosted over the funeral party. But they didn't pause on him as he had expected. It seemed like she still hadn't taken any notice of his presence. Or she was pretending that she hadn't.

“My son was an exceptionally bright star on the night sky of this society.” Her voice sounded brittle and high pitched and Sirius recognised that sorrowful tone she was using. She’d always sounded like that whenever she had talked to others about the shame her contemptible son had brought onto their family this time.

“Promising in every regard he had a great future ahead, well on his way to follow in his father's footsteps to become a diplomat for our country, helping maintain relationships all over the world. I cannot begin to describe the agony his untimely demise has brought to our family.” A dry sob interrupted her speech and she dabbed at her eyes under the veil.

The back of Sirius’ neck was tingling. Something was definitely wrong, he could feel it. There was no way she didn't see him.

It should have been you.

Sirius stared at the grave in front of him. At the coffin standing at the edge. His mother’s voice was ringing in his ears.

“So promising. How sad, how sad. What a shame. My darling son, what a shame.”

The coffin is empty. The thought struck him from nowhere. Suddenly it all made sense, the clues were clicking into place.

“Get him out of my eyes.” In the dark, where noone can hear you scream. Take you down to the monsters but this time no door will open again to let you out.

This was a trap, he had known it! A setup to get him to come here. The suspicious woman with the roses. His mother appearing so eerily unobservant. That grave wasn't for Regulus, it was for him! Had he even died? Or had that been part of it?

A dead son can no longer bring shame. A dead son is a perfect son.

The pallbearers were stirring again, the crowd surrounding him slowly turning towards Sirius, so slow he wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't paid such close attention. They were getting ready.

A surge of white panic tore him out of his stupor and, pushing his way out of the grasping hands of the white haired man behind him he escaped, sprinting down the path. The gravel was crunching under his boots and the birds were too loud and they were coming after him, he knew it. He needed to be faster than them.

He ran as fast as he could, eyes fixed at the gate. Just as he made a left at the chapel, the priest stepped into his path. Sirius considered for a second if he should risk a physical altercation but who knew how close the others were. He didn't have time. The birds were screaming. He should have known.

Jumping over a stray watering can Sirius left the path and ran over the grass and swung himself over the wall that surrounded the graveyard, banging his knee on the rough stone but he didn't care. He was out, he had escaped.

The way back to the train station felt much longer than it actually was. Sirius’ heart just wouldn't calm down and when he finally arrived and dropped into an empty window seat he was drenched in cold sweat and his head was throbbing with pain. Nonetheless his eyes kept searching the wagon for familiar faces. Had someone followed him here? He should have paid more attention to the other guests, how could he even know whether he was seeing one of them?

He sank as far into his seat as possible and let his hair fall into his face to conceal himself. He should have never come here. He knew that it would be dangerous and now look what happened!

When the train started rolling he finally started to calm down a little. A soothing layer of rational thought washed through his inflamed mind, muffling the crackling of fear and panic.

Why would they want to bury you? That doesn't make any sense, does it? You're having an episode, that's all.

Sirius patted down his pockets with shaking fingers and pulled out his Ativan. He needed to calm down. He swallowed the pill dry in lieu of any water and ran his fingers through his hair digging his nails into his scalp. The pain grounded him a little bit.

Had he just made a great fool of himself by taking off like a maniac? He probably had… And if his mother really hadn't noticed him before, she definitely saw that. Sirius' chest constricted at the thought. At the memory of her face under that veil. Of her standing in front of the grave…

He made a quiet noise, not too far from a whimper and squeezed his eyes shut. His skin was crawling and the flight instinct was starting to reawaken, making his muscles twitch. Hopefully the Ativan would do its thing soon. Three hours until he was back home. Until he could call James. He only had to hold out until then.

A man leaned into the aisle to ask if the seat next to him was taken, sending his pulse to sky rocket again. He shook his head and pressed his face against the cold window pane taking shallow breaths.

Three hours. How many minutes were that?

Hundred and eighty. Ten thousand eight hundred seconds. Which was… Sirius’ face pulled into a concentrated grimace and he tapped his fingers on his chin, impatient with his own brain.

One point zero eight times ten to seven milliseconds. He needed a better distraction.

The man next to him had unfolded his newspaper, apparently unphased by Sirius’ strange behaviour. Or maybe he just really needed a seat. The entire wagon was full now.

Sirius cleared his dry throat. “Excuse me, Sir, are you planning on doing the crosswords in the back?”

Chapter Text

“So…” Remus brought out between strained breaths. “…why didn't you go with him?” His old-lady bike was emitting a concerning cacophony of screeches and scraping noises as its rider struggled to catch up with James who was idly kicking the pedals of his racing bike, hands folded behind his head.

“He didn't want me to,” James sighed. “And if Sirius doesn't want something it's better not to press it, trust me.”

Remus made a noise either fuled by disapproval or exhaustion. “But don't you think it would be better if - " he fought for air “ - If he didn't go alone?”

“Of course I think that!,” James snapped. “But just as I said, it's not about what I think in that matter.” He grabbed a hold of his handlebar and accelerated.

Sirius could be awfully stubborn, especially when it came to his own well-being. Not that James hadn't been aware of this from the start but this time it really irked him. You shouldn't go to a funeral all by yourself, especially not when you were at odds with everyone else present! If you asked James, Sirius shouldn't have gone there at all. Not with all those vague, yet sufficiently concerning remarks he had made about his family. Not with the way he had been shaking this morning when James had given him a goodbye hug. He really hadn't wanted to let him go.

But if he absolutely needed to go, why couldn't James come with him?! At least on the train rides! He could have comforted him, or distracted him - whatever he needed! But like usually, Sirius had adamantly refused all of James’ attempts at caring for him. At least he had taken the stupid Ribena…

James lifted himself off the saddle for the last sprint up the hill before they reached the Hog's Head. Since their unplanned visit a few weeks ago, Sirius and him had dropped by several times. Sirius hadn't taken to any of the reading groups (Not even the communist grandmas) but he had almost seamlessly joined into the organisational work that was needed for the maintenance and improvement of the rooms and quarters above the pub. The entire building had been “acquired" by the collective - whatever that meant, James didn't want to ask - and was now being used for all sorts of community purposes. From the reading groups and workshops on the ground floor to the rooms in the upper storeys that offered emergency housing for anyone in need, no questions asked. As long as you stuck to the house rules you were welcome as long as needed. James really liked that concept and Sirius did too, judging by the enthusiasm with which he had volunteered to fix broken taps, piping and in one particularly unsettling case the socket for the electric oven. James of course had known that it was safe as long as the fuse was out - he was a physicist, he knew how electricity worked! - and yet he hadn't been exactly fond of the idea of Sirius fidgeting around with high voltage cables... It had worked out, of course it had, because Sirius clearly knew what he was doing there, wherever he may have acquired that knowledge, of course he did. James had still been at the ready with a broomstick to kick him away from the socket in case of sudden electrocution, much to Sirius' amusement.

When James wasn't spotting Sirius during a specifically risky maintenance task, he helped in his own way by doing something noone in the house seemed particularly fond of: Phone calls. The house project was as autonomous as viable, but for certain things they still had to rely on the city. The water supply for example. Gas. Power. All things that the city enjoyed cutting off at seemingly random intervals, usually claiming they hadn't received payment. Whether that was true or not was none of James' concern, his job was only to coax the person on the other end into turning it back on again. Which turned out as surprisingly easy if you had James' charms, a clear southern accent and didn't open up the conversation with a monologue about how essential services should be free of charge anyways and cutting them off was an authoritarian practice to suppress the people already suffering under this capitalist hellscape. Karl had been in charge of the calls before and things had improved significantly since James had taken over.

Karl had also been the one who had asked him to help with distributing flyers rallying against the right-wing candidate for the upcoming major elections. It wasn't exactly the way James preferred to spend his Saturday but at least this would distract him a little from Sirius being gone and the worry that was gnawing at him like a determined army of snails on a vegetable patch. It was also a good opportunity to spend some time with Remus, who he had roped into helping. They hadn't exactly spent much time with each other recently, since James had been preoccupied with Sirius and, more recently, various activities regarding the house project, so this would give them a chance to catch up. Speaking of catching up - James now finally realised that Remus had not been doing that at all and stopped his bike at the top of the hill looking back to see a brown dot in the distance, slowly labouring towards him. With a fond chuckle James let his bike roll back down the hill to give his friend a push.

The Hog's Head was surprisingly crowded today and James and Remus needed a while until they found Karl amidst the crowd digging through the hotchpotch set out on tables in the reading room.

“Now, now, did you finally submit to the woes of capitalism and are part-taking in commerce?,” James quipped with a look at the improvised flea-market.

“Commerce?!,” Karl asked, his voice vibrating with indignation. “This is an anarchist item swap event!”

“What's anarchist about it?,” Remus asked and threw an interested look towards the pile of atrocious knit sweaters on the table next to them. James wondered if it may have been a mistake to bring him here. If Remus didn't need one thing then it was more ugly knitwear!

Karl gently bumped the bottom of a stack of flyers into the table to line them up. “Noone pays anything. You just bring what you want and take what you want! It's the perfect concept! Everyone according to their needs and - “

“Abilities, yeah, yeah,” James interrupted him impatiently and held his hand out for the flyers. He had heard that one one too many times.

“And what do you do if people just use this to get rid of their trash?,” Remus inquired.

“One man's trash is another man's treasure!”

“Or woman's!,” Auntie Ruth - one of the elderly ladies that ran the book club - called out and demonstratively held up a broken lampshade.

“Of course, Ruthie, or woman's,” Karl corrected himself solemnly. He handed James the stack of flyers then outstretched his hand to Remus. “Karl, nice to meet you.”

“Oh - uhm - Remus!” Remus hurried to shake his hand. “Mice to neet you too!” He cleared his throat. James eyed him with suspicion. Was he blushing?!

“He's helping me with the flyers. Which I hope you have more than these of.” James gestured with the measly pack of paper Karl had handed him so far.

Karl pointed at a carton standing by his feet. “Help yourselves, we've got plenty.” And with a smile at Remus he added: “Thank you for helping out.”

Remus let out an awkward laugh. “Ah - Always ready to give you hand. A hand. Lend a hand.”

James slapped his shoulder, stifling a laugh. “I'm sure he knows what you mean, mate.”

Karl's lips twitched. “I do.”

Remus made an undefinable noise and James hurried to maneuver him and their flyers out of the room as fast as possible, before the two could begin to discuss the means of production or whatever Karl's version of flirting was. They had some ground to cover!

Karl surely hadn't overstated the amount of help that was needed to distribute the flyers. The pack of papers itself hadn't looked all that menacing but James and Remus soon found out that is was also shrinking at a concerningly low pace, each letterbox only swallowing a partial millimetre of their stacks. In an attempt to cover more ground they had split up, each of them walking on one side of the street, which was rather adverse to their initial plan to spend today chatting and left James with way too much time to get lost in his thoughts. He only had a very vague image of Sirius' parents but what he knew he really did not appreciate. Sirius would probably need support later - no matter how unbothered he pretended to be, James would make sure he was well taken care of when he returned tonight. He took a look on his phone. Still no message from Sirius. He had left hours ago, he should have arrived in London by now. Why hadn't he texted him? Had something happened?

“Everything alright?,” Remus asked, crossing over from the other side of the road.

“Still nothing,” James muttered and dropped the lid of the letterbox he'd just fed a flyer, making it smack shut loudly. Remus winced a little at the sound.

“He's probably just busy.”

“With burying his brother… I should have gone with him!”

Remus shrugged. “Hey, you don't know! Maybe this is good. Maybe it will be an opportunity for him to reconnect with his family.”

James snorted. “There's not much to reconnect there.”

“Oh?”

“They don't exactly talk.”

“Yes, you told me that. But a lot of time has passed, hasn't it? Maybe it's time to…”

“No,” James said firmly. “Not with what they did. Remus, you don't understand, they - “ he stopped himself. The details probably weren't any of Remus’ business. “ - They treated him like shit. Just… Just take my word on it. He shouldn't be around them.” His hands involuntarily balled into fists, crushing a flyer. James still shoved the crumpled paper into the next letterbox.

“Are you worried about him?,” Remus asked gently.

James shrugged but noticed that he had to fight back tears. Fuck, what if something has happened? What if they hurt him? What if this was all some sort of trap? He swallowed down the thought. That was ridiculous…

“Look,” Remus said in that tone he always used when he found that James was going off the deep end again. “I may not know Sirius very well, but I have seen him and he looks like - Like someone who doesn't have issues advocating for himself.”

James snorted at his tone. “Oh wait, is that why you are like that? You're scared of him?”

“I didn't say that!”

“But you are, aren't you?,” James chuckled, now full on amused. “Worried I bring the crazy man into our dorm and he'll stab you at night!”

Remus pressed his lips into a line. “I'm more worried about you getting stabbed. I am hardly going to be his target if he flips.”

If he flips. James didn't like the sound of that. As if Sirius were some volatile monster. But before he could even begin to protest, Remus seemed to become aware of the implications of his words as well and pulled a face.

“I didn't mean it like that. It's just - Sometimes people do things that are out of their control at the moment and - I just know what it's like.“

“He wouldn't hurt me,” James said earnestly.

“I'm sure he wouldn't. Not on purpose at least.”

“Well, anyone can hurt everyone on accident. That's a whole thing, you know.”

Remus rolled his eyes, then looked at him almost pleading. “I just want you to be careful.”

James scoffed. “You really need to lay off the mothering, mate. Doesn't suit you.” Another stack of flyers landed in the letterboxes of a multi family home. “And besides that, you don't even know him! He isn't scary at all if you talk to him.”

Remus raised a sceptical eyebrow but didn't say anything.

“Look, trust me, he's really quiet sweet. I don't feel scared around him at all. Quite the contrary I'm pretty sure I've never been safer when walking down the streets with him. And he's just - “

“Special?”

“Yes!,” James answered with determination. “He is special. I never felt so connected with someone. It's just so easy to talk - Or, no, it's more like we don't have to talk at all! He just gets me. And I get him.” He sighed, a smile spreading on his face. “It's just…really nice.”

“You're really crushing hard, huh?”

”I think we're past a crush." James laughed sheepishly.

Remus stifled a smile. “You're already in love with him?”

“What do you mean already? We've been dating for over a month!”

“You're right you should be talking about marriage by now!”

“Now, now we aren't lesbians, Remus.”

Remus snorted a laugh and shook his head. He stuffed another flyer into a mailbox. “Speaking of lesbians. Have you spoken to Lily lately?”

James groaned. “Why do you have to bring her up?”

“Oh, are you still butt hurt about this?”

“You could have told me, man!”

“I didn't know!”

“How can you not know, Remus, you went to the same secondary!”

“Yes but it's not like she came to class with a huge lesbian badge and I never spoke to her about her love life!”

“Don't know how you wanna be a therapist with that kind of observational skills….”

Remus' mouth opened, then closed again. Without another word and his head held low he kept walking, speeding his steps a little to reach the next letterbox.

Great, now he had upset him. Guilty, James hurried to close up to him. “I'm sorry, mate. I didn't mean it. It was just banter, alright?” He nudged Remus' shoulder in an attempt to draw a smile back out of him.

When all he received was a solemn nod and a tight-lipped grimace he tried again. “You will be a good therapist. You're great at listening and you're very kind. People like taking to you!”

“I don't know about that,” Remus murmured, eyes still cast down.

“Bullshit, they do! Stop doubting yourself so much! And… And maybe stop listening so much to me, okay?”

Remus’ lips twitched at the last remark. “A humble word from you? Maybe you're right, maybe that guy is good for you after all.”

“Of course I'm right.” James puffed up his chest. “I'm always right.”

Remus chuckled and shook his head. “May I retract my last statement, please?”

“Nah, don't think I can let you.”

Remus joined into James’ giggle and they proceeded to make their way down the road.

“How about you? Any crushes lately? Like, I don't know, maybe today?,” James asked, tapping his friend with the flyers with a knowing smirk. Remus blushed profusely and turned around in what could only be described as the horror of a man that had just been caught.

“No!,” he claimed a little too loudly, nearly tripping over his feet on the next step. “I wouldn't know what you're talking about! I didn't even see anyone but you today and you can hardly insinuate that I have a crush on you! You're not my type at all!”

“I thought you don't have a type,” James teased.

“I do not!”

“So I'm just specifically not your type? Do you think I'm ugly, Rem?” He put on his best pout, nudging Remus’ side.

“Don't call me that,” Remus pleaded with a groan. “And of course you're not ugly, you're just too - “

“Too what?,” James asked, still amused. “Too muscular? Too handsome? Too smart?”

Remus clicked his tongue but stifled a laugh. “Shut up! You're too close. I don't know how to explain it but you're just… You're just too much my friend to be anything else.”

“Ah so you've friendzoned me, I see, I see.”

“I haven't - Oh, whatever, I don't even know what you want from me, aren't you in a way too committed relationship with a spooky man you met on a bridge? Why are you questioning me like that?”

James laughed and wrapped an arm around him. “I'm just messing with you, mate!”

“Well, stop that then!,” Remus said but his voice was light.

"So you do think he's scary."

"I refuse to comment on this matter."

James snorted a laugh. “Fine then. Back to topic. So, there is noone who's piqued your interest lately?”

“No!” Remus threw another flyer into a letterbox, missed and knocked his head on the fence as he scrambled to catch the sailing piece of paper before it hit the pavement.

“Sure,” James said, folding his arms, a shit-eating grin on his face. “Mice to neet you.”

The fence rattled as Remus’ head shot up straight against the bottom of the letterbox.

The sun was standing low, drenching Sirius’ kitchen into a mellow gold hue that stood in crass juxtaposition to James’ internal state. After they'd finished distributing the flyers and Sirius still hadn't texted him he had attempted to call him but to no avail. Sirius' phone seemed to be switched off. Which might just meant that he had ran out of battery, but what if - ? James didn't even know how to finish that thought, he just knew that it unsettled him not being able to reach Sirius. He'd been sitting in his kitchen for hours, anxiously counting down to the time he figured he should be back, jumping at every key chain rustling outside in the hall, only for it to be another one of Sirius’ neighbours coming home instead of him. For a while James had attempted to distract himself with his phone but he had given up on that a while ago and switched to staring down the seconds hand on Sirius’ kitchen clock instead, willing it to move faster.

It was thirty-seven minutes and forty-three seconds past five when the front door finally opened and Sirius stumbled inside, slamming the door shut in a hurry. The intensity of his return startled James out of the almost meditative state he had entered and despite the brief wave of relief that washed over him, he could immediately sense that something was wrong. Sirius wasn't entering the flat but instead stayed by the door, hands pressed against it, peering through the peephole. James got up in concern.

“Everything alright?,” he asked tentatively.

Sirius spun around, eyes wide, his back bumping hard into the door as he tried to edge backwards. “How did you get in?!”

“Uhm, with the keys you gave me?” James felt his stomach cramp. Something wasn't right at all. Sirius’ eyes were darting around, never really meeting his, his face pale and - there was just something eerie about him that James couldn't quite pinpoint.

“Keys?,” Sirius asked breathlessly. “You've got - ?” Something flickered over his face and he relaxed a bit. “You've got keys,” he mumbled to himself while picking up his own key chain and locking the door twice. “Let's hope they don't have keys…”

“They? Who are you talking about? Sirius, what happened?” The lump in James' throat threatened to choke him.

“They followed me. I saw them. I don't know how they got here. We must stay inside.” Sirius seemed to be talking more to himself than to James.

“They followed you?,” James asked in alarm and went past Sirius to look through the peephole himself. The hallway was empty, but that didn't mean anything. Could they be the nazis they had had a run in with? James had almost forgotten about that altercation already, but if they had really followed Sirius home that was bad news. But - why would they have keys?

Sirius didn't answer. He had begun pacing up and down the tiny corridor of his apartment, opening and clenching his fists, eyes fixed on the floor.

“Hey,” James tried again, as softly as he could. “Talk to me. What is going on? What happened?”

“It was trap,” Sirius whispered. “Funeral was a trap. I should have known. They are lying!”

“Lying about what?”

Sirius let out a high pitched laugh. It sounded foreign out of his mouth. “The moon, the stars, pick your choice! It's all a big lie. There are holes in the ground, James!”

James frowned. What Sirius was saying didn't make any sense and now that he had overcome his initial shock at the thought of someone pursuing Sirius, it dawned on him what the real reason for Sirius’ odd behaviour must be. They had spoken about this at length, Sirius had warned him so many times that he could have psychotic episodes at any time, and yet James didn't feel quite prepared for this. It felt as if something strange had taken over Sirius’ body and it terrified him more than he would have ever allowed himself to admit.

Despite his racing heart he willed himself to stay calm. He could do this. Nothing was actually amiss - That was good news! He just needed to help Sirius through this and then everything would be normal again.

Carefully he approached him, stopping his pacing with gentle hands. “It's okay. Even if they followed you, the door is locked, right? You are safe here.”

Sirius looked up and for the first time he met his eyes. “What if they come through the windows?”

James frowned. “We are in the eighth story. Noone is going to climb in through the window.'“

Sirius’ eyes shot over to the balcony door. James had left it open to air out the room a little while he was waiting. Quickly he walked over to close it. “Noone will come up here,” he said again as calmly as he could, as he returned to Sirius to lead him to sit down in the kitchen. Sirius still didn't seem entirely convinced but followed him without much resistance. Good, he is trusting me, James thought and felt his own heartbeat calm down a little. He could do this. He had read up on how to handle people in acute psychosis and he would be damned if he didn't pass this test with flying colours!

“I'm sure, that if someone did follow you from the funeral, you lost them on the way here,” James made a careful attempt at rationalising Sirius’ worries. “How would they even follow you all the way from London.”

“They watched me,” Sirius whispered into his hands he was using to cover his face. “On the train. They watched me on the train.”

“Well, they certainly didn't see what floor you live in or which apartment. And this is a big house so I think you can rest assured that - “

Sirius jumped up suddenly and fumbled his phone out of his pocket and began to smash it against the edge of the counter. James jumped up.

“Woah, what are you doing?! Stop that!” He tried to get a hold of Sirius’ arm but he tore free from his grip.

“It's a tracker!,” he shouted. “They must be tracking me with the phone!”

“What? No, that makes no sense!” James shook his head, irritated. “When and how would they have installed that? And besides that, if they installed a tracker, destroying it here is the worst possible idea since they already know - “

This actually made Sirius stop. But just when James was starting to relax and began to calculate his next move, he turned towards the balcony, the damaged phone clutched in a way that told James exactly what he was planning to do once he reached that window. He couldn't let that happen! The phone might hit someone in the head and from that height -

He stepped into Sirius' way holding his hands out. "Padfoot, calm down!"

Sirius froze yet again and stared at him with wide eyes. "How do you know that name?"

James frowned. He really wasn't sure. "I - I don't know," he stuttered. "You probably mentioned it sometime - "

"I did not," Sirius whispered sharply and took a step backwards. Just like he had on their second meeting, on the bridge. His eyes were filled with the same expression: Fear and confusion. James felt cold. He hated seeing him that way.

"I don't use that name anymore," Sirius growled. "How do you know that name?!" He yelled the last part, his eyes flickering with distrust and anger, his hands balled into fists, the phone dropping carelessly to the floor with a loud clunk.

James rose his hands in an attempt to diffuse the situation. "Okay, let's sit back down and talk this through. I am sure there is a logical explanation for - "

"There is no explanation!," Sirius screamed and tossed the table so it tumbled and fell in between them. James flinched at the thump as it hit the linoleum floor right before his bare feet.

"Sirius - "

"Why did you call me that?! How do you know that name?" Sirius looked at him as if he had suddenly turned into some kind of monster. Something he had to fight. If James had allowed himself to have that thought he might have been terrified. Trapped in between a raging Sirius and the balcony, the only way out leading eight storeys down onto a concrete courtyard.

But Sirius wouldn't hurt him. He just knew that he wouldn't. James took a tentative step forward, stepping over the legs of the fallen table.

"Don't come closer!" Sirius stumbled further backwards. "You're not real! You're not real! You're not real." His voice tapered off until it was barely more than a sob.

"You need your meds, let me get them," James tried again, as gentle as possible.

Sirius shook his head violently and wandered off into the hallway, muttering to himself. "You're not real. Of course you're not real, I should have known. I should have known..."

James climbed hurriedly over the table and went after him. "I'm real! I am right here - " He reached out and put a hand on Sirius' shoulder.

Sirius spun around and his fist slammed into the kitchen archway, right next to James' face. The painted wood cracked and splintered under the force. Blood ran down in a tiny trickle from Sirius' knuckles as he stood there, wide eyed and frozen.

"Shit, you're bleeding!" James reached out for Sirius' hand but he pulled it away and stumbled backwards, falling over his feet.

"Stay away from me, please!"

"No, but your hand - "

"Stay away!" Sirius crawled into the bathroom and slammed the door shut. James heard the lock click.

A sudden rush of panic enveloped him. Sirius shouldn't be alone in a bathroom in this state! He needed to do something! He stormed over to the door and hammered against it, "Sirius! Open up, please! We can talk about this, I'm sure it all makes sense somehow!"

"Go away!"

“No, I will not leave you like this. Please come out!” His voice was stumbling and he felt breathless, his chest compressed by an impossibly heavy force. All he got as an answer was a sob and something clattering to the ground.

James leaned against the door. “Are you taking your meds? Please tell me you're taking your meds. You know what to take right now, don't you?” His shaky question was met with silence.

“Sirius?,” he called out again, hating how his voice broke. He pointlessly tried the door handle. “Please let me in, I just want to make sure you're okay.”

“Go.” It sounded muffled and hostile, like a growling hurt animal.

James’ heart was hammering. This was bad. So, so bad. Sirius shouldn't be alone in there right now and everything inside him wanted to just break down the door. It was a cheap door, it would snap easily. He could probably also pick the lock, it didn't look very complicated. But was that safe? What if this would only freak Sirius out more, what if that drove him to do something to himself. Or to me. James discarded that last thought quickly. He wasn't important right now. What counted was that Sirius was safe. And he wasn't right now, and would be even less if he just barged in there. There was just nothing he could do. Or maybe there was one thing. One thing he was really good at.

On wobbly knees he stumbled back to the kitchen. He needed to call Sirius' therapist. She was probably a better choice than his psychiatrist, whom James knew wasn't too fond of him. He didn't know her name or her number but maybe he could find it on Sirius' phone. Sirius had told him his lock-screen pin once so he could check something while Sirius was under the shower, and this information would come in handy now. But when he picked up the phone his hopes shattered, just like the screen of the device.

James cursed under his breath, adrenaline was rushing through his body. He needed to do something! Maybe he should break through the door after all? If Sirius was really trying to hurt himself he could just grab him and hold him down - He leaned onto his knees and took a choked breath. The thought of a panicked Sirius struggling against him made his stomach turn. Something told him this wouldn't be a good idea at all. There needed to be a different solution. Maybe he could find the contact info somewhere else? There were these numbers, pinned to the fridge. They weren't labeled and he had never asked what they were for. Maybe just some maintenance service... He had to try.

With shaking hands he dialled the first one. The time between the rings seemed to stretch out forever, until finally a female voice sounded from the other end.

"Hello?"

The woman sounded oddly familiar but he couldn't quite pinpoint where from. "Who's there?," he asked, as if he hadn't been the one calling.

The short pause before the answer told him that the person he called probably thought the same. "Well, who's calling? I'll tell you right now, I don't buy anything on the phone so if this is one of those scams -"

"It's not a scam!," James said breathlessly. "I'm...I'm calling about Sirius Black. Do you kno - "

"What happened?!" Her tone changed completely, genuine worry mixed with the steadiness of someone who knew exactly what to do no matter what the answer to her question may be. James was sure he could hear her grab her keys in the background.

"Wait, are you - Are you the fairy godmother?," he asked overflowing with relief. That must be her! The woman Sirius had called to take him home that one night, and the one Sirius had told him about so many times - his old social worker!

She paused, then let out a hoarse laugh. "Is that what he calls me when I'm not around?"

"He mostly calls you Pommy."

"You can call me that too. You're James, aren't you, lad?"

James nodded, then realised how little that helped and croaked out an affirmative noise.

"Well, James, what happened?" She must have left her house, because James could hear a door closing and then the connection became noisier, maybe a nearby road.

"He - I don't know, I think - He's in the bathroom."

"And he won't come out?" She said that so gently and with so much certainty, James realised this couldn't be the first time this happened. Somehow that made him feel better. He hadn't caused this. Or - well at least he wasn't the first one who had.

"I'm worried what he's doing in there."

Pommy only hummed, then another door slammed and he could hear the rumbling of a motor starting. "I'll be there in ten. Open the door when I'm there."

James wished Pommy had also told him what to do in those ten minutes because just sitting in the kitchen, helplessly, uselessly, like he had done all afternoon, didn't exactly help to ease his worries. He went back to the bathroom door a few times in the futile hope to find it suddenly unlocked. It never was. He was too worried to set Sirius off again by trying to talk to him through the door so he kept quiet, listening closely for any noise on the other side, but he was only met with terrifying silence. What if it was already too late? Should he maybe have called an ambulance instead? He had to force the thought out of his head.

When Pommy finally arrived things suddenly moved very quickly. She entered the flat with firm steps, went straight to the bathroom and knocked. "Sirius. Lad, open up, it's me." The same voice she had used on James.

At first her knocking didn't yield any answers and James was about to keel over with worry, when she knocked again. "It is safe to come out. I will not let anything happen to you. Open the door and let me look at you. You're injured aren't you?"

James tasted his own bile at her words. You're injured, aren't you. Why was she so sure? How many times had these two been through this? He felt entirely out of place. Something was moving behind the door and Pommy took a step back, then gestured at James to stand aside. The door unlocked and only opened a crack, still concealing James' view. He needed all his self-control not to barge in to look how bad it was, but even if he had wanted to he barely had a chance because Pommy swiftly slipped inside and closed the door behind her.

For a few minutes all he could hear was her hushed voice and an even quieter Sirius. It was impossible to make out any words. James was relieved when they finally emerged again, but all of it disintegrated again when he saw the towel wrapped around Sirius' left arm. It was a dark towel but the smudged blood on the back of Sirius' hand and on his cheek were all the context clues James' brain needed to assemble an image of what was hiding underneath. Something in his face must have given away his horror, because Pommy ushered Sirius past him and locked eyes with him. "It is better if you go now."

"But I - "

"You can't do anything." She was already unpacking a first aid kit from her bag.

James desperately tried to make eye contact with Sirius but he wasn't even looking in his direction. All he wanted was to hold him. He took a step towards him but Pommy blocked him off.

"You should go home. I'll take care of him. You did well," she said gently and pushed him out the door. When it clicked shut in front of him James felt as if he was falling.

In lieu of any better ideas James had gone to the gym. It was where he always went when he didn't know what to do with himself. Here he always knew what to do. Move the weights, focus on how his muscles ached under the tension, how his body revolted against the strain he was putting on it and yet he kept pushing, pushing further than last time and until his strength faltered and he reached muscle failure. The burn of his muscles was the best remedy against a burning heart, but in this case it barely took the edge off. He couldn't stop thinking about Sirius, the image of him leaving the bathroom - the smell of blood on him, eyes averting his - kept forcing itself back into the front of his consciousness. More than once he reached for his phone to call, only to remember that Sirius' phone was broken and noone would pick up.

He also considered calling Pommy again but he felt so raw and he didn't want to talk to her, he wanted to talk to Sirius! Which was silly, he was somewhat aware of it, but he already felt stupid and incapable already and some part of him was worried about her scolding him. About what he didn't know but somehow he felt like he deserved to be. He had handled this so wrong... The contrast of his uncoordinated attempts of helping which had done nothing but make things worse compared to her immediate success wasn't playing nicely with his ego. He had thought that he had everything under control, turned out he'd had no idea of what everything even was. He had been in over his head, no help when Sirius needed him most - what if he wanted to leave him now? What if he felt like James had just proven all his worries to be correct? That he couldn't show up for him when things got nasty? That he was too weak to handle him. James had to interrupt his set to wipe his eyes with his jersey. He should have done better. He would do better. If only he got the chance... He put his hands back onto the handles of the machine and pulled them towards him. He would need a strong back, better to work on it now.

He should have gone straight home after the gym, gotten a shower and crawled into bed, to rest his worn down mind and body. But he was restless and he just couldn't get himself to get on the train that would take him back to the dorms. So instead he dropped against the railing and stared down into the canal. It had grown dark a while ago and the atmosphere was just as serene as that time he had met Sirius here after the club. When Pommy had picked him up. He smiled at the memory, and then immediately choked on a sob that he barely caught in the palm of his hand. Nothing was serene about tonight. He would die if he didn't know if Sirius was okay.

Determined he pushed off the railing and turned to start his way back towards Sirius' flat, when he saw someone walk up the bridge towards him. James' heart sped up as he recognised the familiar silhouette of Sirius' tall frame in the dark. When he had come close enough to see James he seemed surprised.

"You're here," Sirius whispered as he stepped next to him at the railing.

"Of course," James said and tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. Sirius' arm was wrapped in a bandage and it was sticking out of the sleeve of his hoodie. His eyes were red and puffy and he looked so broken and fragile it tore James apart.

"Why though?," Sirius said quietly. "Why are you still not running?"

James shot him a crooked smile. "What's there to run from?"

Sirius laughed wetly and wiped at his eyes. All the harsh rage had vanished and he was back to being him. "I almost hurt you," he said, his voice shaking with the terror that James probably should have felt, but all he could think about was the relief that filled him that Sirius was talking to him again. That he actually saw him now, and all he could find himself caring about were the deep cuts in Sirius' skin that he knew lingered hidden under his sleeve. He reached out and took his hand, and this time Sirius let him.

"But you didn't," James said softly. "You didn't hurt me."

"But I scared you."

James shook his head, before hesitating. "Maybe. But not for the reasons you think you did." His eyes were stuck on the gauze that was secured around Sirius' hand. Had he cut close to his pulse? James hadn't been able to see earlier. He suddenly felt very faint.

"I'm sorry," Sirius said quietly.

James shook his head and sank against Sirius' chest, wrapping his arms tightly around him. He didn't want Sirius to feel bad about what had happened. He just needed to have him close.

After a moment of hesitation, Sirius hugged him back, pulling him snug against himself. "I'm so sorry James. I really don't think you should - It's not safe..."

"Shut right up with that nonsense," James said firmly, without letting go. "I am not scared of you. And I can help you get better."

Sirius scoffed. "You're can’t make me better, I will make you worse."

"What if I don't care?"

Sirius pulled back. "What if I care? What if I don't want to drag you down this dark vortex of my fucked up life? What if I told you to stay far, far away from me?"

This was it. The moment where Sirius would push him away. And he could not let it happen. James ignored the sinking feeling in his chest and raised his chin. "What if I say I'd rather die?"

"Then I'd call you a melodramatic sap!," Sirius exclaimed exasperated.

James shuddered inexplicably. He just wanted back into the warmth of Sirius arms. "You're the one to talk with your 'dark vortex of your fucked up life'. I told you, I'm an astrophysicist! I am not afraid of any dark vortices. I am familiar with the void."

"Okay now you are being melodramatic."

"I love you," James croaked because it was true and it just felt like the right thing to say. A last straw, the last life-line. If Sirius would just hold on...

Sirius sighed. "How does that help, James."

"It helps a lot I think. Look, maybe you're right. Maybe I can't fix you. But you can."

Sirius snorted. "Bullshit. Tried that all my life."

"Your life hasn't been all that long yet. Much time until you get all old and wrinkly and die. So many years we could enjoy together if we just start now."

Sirius looked at him with an odd expression. James' heart seemed determined to break out of his chest. He couldn't loose Sirius. Not like this.

"I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into."

"Stop saying that! I think I know exactly." He grabbed Sirius' right hand and gently cradled the split skin on his knuckles. "I have seen the worst now, haven't I? And I know you won't hurt me. I now know it more than ever. But you will hurt yourself and I could not live with myself if I just let you do that."

Sirius shook his head. "You're not responsible for what I do to myself."

"But I freaked you out."

Sirius shook his head again, more vigorously this time. "You did nothing wrong. It's - It's my mind. It's not your fault."

"Just let me be there for you."

Sirius finally looked back into James' eyes, his own grey ones glistening with tears. "Are you sure you want this?"

James smiled and placed a faint kiss on his lips. "I never wanted anything more."

Sirius shook his head in what looked like tired disbelief but he gave James a lopsided smile and what more could he ask for?

"Well, in that case..." Sirius looked back down and fumbled with James' fingers.

"Hmm?"

"I - You can say no, of course, but - "

"What is it?," James asked, his heart swimming in a soothing soup of relief, happy to provide Sirius with anything he could ask for.

"Can I stay with you for a while?"

"Stay with me?" James was a bit taken aback by the question. "Why? Is something wrong with your flat?"

Sirius pulled up his shoulders. "Pommy wants to take me back to the clinic."

"Oh."

"I can't go back," Sirius said quietly, fear vibrating in his voice.

James squeezed his hand tightly. "No, of course not." How could Pommy even suggest that?! Didn't she know how scared Sirius was of this? How could she think this would do anything to help?

"You're not going anywhere where I cannot follow," James said decidedly. "And I cannot follow you into a psych ward so you are coming with me. Of course you can!"

Sirius looked at him thankfully. "Are you sure? I know it's a lot to ask and if you can't, I'll just figure out something else - "

"Yeah, you'll sleep under bridges again, forget right about that! You can share my bunk with me," James grinned and steered Sirius towards the train station. "It's going to be fun! You'll meet my mates!"

Sirius let out a weak laugh. "Sprinkles and Frappuccino?"

"The very ones!"

James held Sirius' hand tight as they walked off the bridge together. If he could have he would have never let go again.

Chapter Text

Sirius' head was resting comfortably on James' chest, face half buried into his shirt, the pair of arms snugly wrapped around him holding him close and safe. James was warm and the blanket they were sharing was soft and overall there was absolutely no reason why he should have been torn from his blissful slumber just yet. If it hadn't been for the snoring.

Sleepily he nudged James in the hopes to make him stop. He tapped his side a few times with his hand until he realised that the aggravating noise wasn't coming from him, but rather from another inhabitant of the dorm room. James’ dorm room.

Sirius had never been anywhere near university accommodations but he had imagined them to be a little fancier. Maybe he was just spoiled from how the rooms in his boarding school had looked like. They hadn't had bunk beds. Not that he was complaining though, he had slept in much worse conditions than comfortably tucked in between James and the wall in a top bunk. The thing he was complaining about was the noise…

He forced his eyes open, the glum light falling in through the window told him that it was way too fucking early to be awake. It quickly became clear that the snoring originated from the single bed across from James’ bunk. It was surrounded by curtains so Sirius could not see the source of his annoyance but he didn't have to. He knew who was in that bed. It was the lanky one. James had probably told him the guy's name - or maybe he hadn't? Sirius had been too preoccupied with keeping his shit together when they had arrived last night and encountered James’ two dorm mates: A short and chubby one who had observed him with curious, beady eyes and Lanky Man, who was clearly not very thrilled about Sirius’ presence even though he had tried to hide his displeasure behind a timid smile. Sirius couldn't stand people like that. And the snoring didn't exactly raise his sympathies…

Grumpily he ducked his head under the blanket to block out the sounds, flinching when pain shot through his knuckles as he tugged on it. Right. The remaining bits of comfortable drowsiness left him as the memories of yesterday hit him like meteor splinters falling from the sky, each one making him shudder with impact. Almost like his fist when it had hit the door frame.

So close to James. Way too close. He could have hurt him. He had wanted to hurt him.

The terror of that realisation made him nauseous. Underneath his ear, James’ heart was beating, strong and steady and unbothered. Why hadn't he ran? He should have ran. Sirius would have ran if someone had done this to him.

He curled away from James as far as the narrow bed allowed for, back pressed into the cold wall. He couldn't bear to be close to him. What if he would hurt him now? What if he just snapped, like he had yesterday? James would not be able to defend himself, sleeping so soundly. It would be so easy…

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut, pulling his arms close to himself, as if they could act on their own accord if he didn't. Counting his breaths - in and out, in and out - he tried to let the thoughts pass, but they wouldn't, the terror of their presence intensifying with every second. All Sirius wanted was to get out of this dorm room and far, far away from James; but he was terrified to move because if he did then surely his arms would start doing their thing and his hands would reach out for an unprotected neck. Noone would hear them struggle over that intense snoring anyways…

Sirius dug his fingernails into the gauze covering the cuts on his arm, digging at the wounds underneath until he could feel the sharp pain of scabs ripping. For a moment it made everything quiet.

“Did it help?” That's what James had asked when he had first seen his scars. “It’s a good distraction,” he had answered. And it was. Like an off button for the thoughts that kept taunting him, a manual override for this mind that only wanted the worst for him.

Maybe it's just trying to keep you safe. There are many bad people out there, don't you know it?

But James wasn't bad. He was the opposite of bad, he was all good and shiny and perfect, a warm burrow for him to hide in, away from all the things that terrified him. The things that were now trying to come for James.

How did he know? How could he know? The question paraded through his head like an eerie fanfare, causing his breath to quicken again and his fingers to press down once more. His ears were ringing to the sound of Britney Spears’ Toxic.

Baby, can′t you see I'm calling? A guy like you should wear a warning - It′s dangerous, I'm falling

There's no escape, I can′t wait - I need a hit, baby, give me it - You′re dangerous, I'm loving it

It took him several lines to realise that the ill fitting song wasn't playing inside his head but rather in the bunk underneath him. A grunting noise, then the alarm was turned off. The snoring had stopped. Sirius heard sheets rustling and then a hushed voice grumbled: “You forgot your alarm again...”

“I'm sorry.”

The first voice sounded unreasonably disgruntled for someone who had been making the noise of a saw mill for at least the last half hour. Bottom bunk seemed eager to make amends though.

“I think I'll go down to the hall for breakfast if I'm already awake anyways. Should I bring you some up here?”

“No it's fine,” Snore Boy replied softly, seemingly already having overcome the displeasure of being awoken. He was clearly more even spirited than Sirius… “I'm gonna come with you."

He heard the two men shuffle out of their beds and get dressed, both apparently too sleepy to talk more, until bottom bunk piped up again.

“Should we ask James - “

“He's sleeping.”

“Yes but maybe we could wait and - “

“I think they would prefer some alone time.”

Thank you, lanky Snore Man, Sirius thought with relief. The last thing he wanted to do was to go anywhere public right now. Sirius heard them open the door and then a click as it closed again. He let out a breath he hadn't noticed he was holding.

With his eyes still shut he tried to file through his thoughts. Yesterday had been a lot. Even though he did not like the thought it wasn't exactly surprising that he had been in quite a state after the funeral. He hadn't expected James to be waiting in his flat and his surprising presence had set off all sorts of thought spirals, making him act irrationally. But had he meant to injure him? He couldn't really remember, the punch had been more defensive instinct than a conscious decision. Unlike the redirection of that punch towards the door frame. That had been very conscious. He could clearly recall the short burst of panic as he had realised that his fist was flying towards James, whipping it to the side at the last moment. The horror he had felt after, that feeling of irredeemability, the need to punish - punish the something that had made him do this, the thing that happened to recoil back into the depths of his mind if he just carved deep enough into his skin. He pressed his fingers on the cuts again, only for a warm hand wrapping around his, gently pulling it away.

“Don't do that.” James voice was barely more than a soft whisper but it sounded loud in the silence of the room. Sirius’ eyes flung open.

James was looking at him with sleepy, unfocused eyes. He wasn't wearing his glasses so Sirius could be barely more than a blurry patch for him - he had tried James' glasses on once for fun and oh boy was that man blind.

Sirius didn't know what to say so he decided to just not to.

“Why are you so far away?,” James asked and ran his thumb over the back of Sirius' hand.

“I was running hot,” he lied. James didn't seem to buy it. He pulled back his hand, leaving Sirius’ feel hollow, to ruffle his hair and reach for his glasses.

“It's pretty chilly in here,” James stated matter-of-factly and turned back towards him, looking at him as if his glasses now allowed him to see everything. Sirius found that he couldn't hold his gaze.

After a moment of silence he finally gave in to the inquisitive stare. “I was scared I might hurt you.”

James frowned. “In your sleep? Why would you hurt me?” His voice was still quiet and so mellow it wrapped around Sirius like a soft blanket. He just wanted to be back in his arms again… Why could he never just have food things?

“I don't know. I was just worried.” It sounded lame and stupid now that he said it out loud.

James’ hand returned, to caress his cheek this time and pull him back towards him to press a kiss onto his forehead. “Didn't we talk about that last night.”

“Yes, and I'm not sure if we really came to an agreement,” Sirius grumbled and James laughed. They fell back into silence for a while, just James holding him and running his hand up and down his back.

“How are you feeling?,” James finally asked.

Sirius shrugged. “I'm okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Well - “ The truth was obviously that he wasn't but when had he ever been? Relatively, though - meaning measured at his personal baseline of okayness - he felt quite alright. Apart from the small moment of panic earlier he felt good. No shadows taunting him from the corner of his eyes, no voices demanding his attention. “I've been worse.” You couldn't go wrong with that.

James laughed and sighed. “Unfortunately I believe you.”

“How do you feel,” Sirius asked and finally allowed himself to lock eyes with James. He had such beautiful eyes… “Any regrets about last night's decisions?”

“No.” James trailed a finger along Sirius’ hairline. “Only that I didn't - “ His eyes flickered down to Sirius’ left arm “ - stop you from doing that.”

“There was nothing you could have done.”

James didn't object but his face turned back into a frown. Sirius wrapped his arms around him and squeezed lightly.  “There really wasn't. You would have only endangered yourself.”

“I'd rather have you cut me open than yourself.”

Sirius stomach swooped and not in a good way and he decidedly shook his head. “You don't actually think I would still be alive if I had done that.”

The image of James bleeding on the floor of his kitchen crawled into his mind, digging its claws into the sides of his brain. He squeezed his eyes shut again and instinctively buried his face in the crook of James' neck.

An arm wrapped around his head, gently cradling it as he willed the images to go away. “It's okay, you didn't hurt me and I know you wouldn't. You were just scared and I set you off by - “ James stopped himself.

Sirius lifted his head. “By calling me Padfoot, yeah,” he finished the sentence. “And I still do not understand how you know that name.”

“I don't know either,” James murmured. “It just…sprang to mind when you were so agitated. I just wanted to calm you down.”

“Well, that worked well, didn't it,” Sirius laughed dryly and James shot him a crooked smile in response.

“I know you are already freaked out about this whole mirror thing, but I'm sure there is a logical explanation for this as well."

Sirius huffed. “How can you be so sure?”

“Because there must be,” James said. “There's a logical explanation for everything. All of these phenomena that people used to attribute to ghosts or gods, we can explain most of them now, with science. Even if something appears metaphysical at first there is something very physical behind it that we just don't understand yet.”

Sirius frowned but he could hardly argue with this. He had never been very spiritual, hadn't been raised that way and certainly hadn't grown up to experience any instances of otherworldly luck, so yes, there must be a logical and reasonable explanation and it surely wasn't that James was some sort of super spy hired by his parents to - yeah to do what actually? It clearly must be something else. Just…what could it be? Sirius hated open questions.

“Well we better find the answer to this because it is freaking me out.”

“I'm sorry,” James said. “I really didn't mean to scare you. I promise I didn't snoop on you or something.”

Sirius sighed and rubbed his face. “I know. I - I trust you. I do. Just… Yesterday was hard.”

“Of course it was. You went to your brother's funeral all by yourself! You really should have let me come… How was it?” The question was tentative, lingering in the air, ready to be retracted in case it was out of place. But Sirius was tired of keeping things to himself. Not with James. Consequences be damned.

“It was awful. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to go there…”

“Oh babe,” James hugged him a little tighter. The pet name made Sirius’ skin tingle. Babe. Did he like that? He'd consider this later.

“I saw my mom.” His voice broke a little at the last word.

“What did she say?,” James asked, sounding like he was ready to fight her regardless of the answer.

“Nothing. I didn't… I stayed in the back. I didn't want her to see me.”

“Of course, I understand.”

“It was all so weird… There were all these people and then we all put down stuff by the coffin and it was so… So unreal. I don't get how he's dead.” The dry sob broke loose so surprisingly that he had no chance to stop it. James nuzzled against his head.

“I'm so sorry I wasn't there.”

“I wish you had been.” He sounded like a miserable child but he didn't had it in him to care right now. Everything felt so raw again, all of a sudden. His barely contained pain had finally found a way to escape and reminded him violently that if you bottled up the wrong things, they would ferment. James didn't seem deterred by his outbreak, he just kept holding him close, petting his back as he cried into his shoulder.

“I think -” Sirius brought out between frustratingly unregulated breaths. “- I think something triggered me there.”

“Hmm, I wonder what,” James hummed sarcasticly, making Sirius laugh into a sob and almost choke ungracefully on his own spit.

“Well… I don't know if it was my mom or the funeral in general. But I - I was just so freaked out by all of it and… I think - No I did have a psychotic episode. I don't know when it started exactly but when we were outside and they got ready to lower the coffin I was - “ It sounded so stupid. “ - Don't judge me. Promise.”

“I promise. I wouldn’t judge you for anything.”

Somehow Sirius believed him.

“I was convinced they would bury me with him. In the grave. So I… just ran away.”

James stayed quiet for a second. Maybe he needed to process. Maybe he was judging after all.

“That sounds very scary,” he said, finally. It didn't sound like a joke at all.

“It's a stupid thing to be scared of.”

“I don't know, I think I would be scared too if someone was trying to bury me alive.”

“Yes, but they didn't, James. Obviously they didn't. What kind of insanity would that be, in broad daylight and with the help of at least forty accomplices. It wasn't real.”

“But it was real for you in that moment.”

Sirius groaned and laughed, wiping at his eyes. “You sound like my fucking therapist now! Stop doing that.”

James chuckled and pressed a kiss on his parting. “I’m sorry.”

“You don't sound like you are.”

“I have other things to be sorry about, let me pick my battles, okay.”

Sirius sighed and rolled onto his back. He needed some air. “I still worry what she will do now.”

“Who?”

“My mother. She definitely saw me when I ran away from the burial like a fucking lunatic. Probably ruined her whole experience… I bet she's mad."

“So what? You're an adult. She can't do anything to you.”

Sirius shook his head and dried the last tears of his cheek with the neckline of his T-shirt. “She can if Pommy sends me back to the clinic. She will find me there. What if they decide I need legal guardianship and then she can just have me locked up forever and then - “

“Okay, okay, deep breaths.” James leaned over him, putting a hand on his chest. Sirius just noticed then how his breathing had gotten shallow and fast again.

“I can't go back there.”

“And you won't. I'll make sure of that.”

Sirius snorted incredulously. “And how do you wanna do that?”

“Well for starters by hiding you as long as needed. My bunk is yours for as long as you wish.”

Sirius snorted again, but stifling a laugh this time. “Very knightly of you.”

“Of course. You already got a fairy godmother, you clearly also need a knight.”

“Are you insinuating that I'm a princess?!," Sirius chuckled in disbelief. He'd been called a lot of things but this was outrageously unfitting. "Besides that… My ‘fairy godmother’ wants to lock me up in a tower, because I’m secretly a monster.” Which is a much more fitting description of me, he thought.

“You're like Fiona.”

Sirius stared at James in confusion.

“From Shrek! You're a princess but you're secretly an ogre - “

“An ogre?!,” Sirius spluttered and broke out in an indignant, yet thoroughly amused cackle. “You are seriously calling me a bloody ogre? That isn't very knight like at all, where are your manners?”

“Well, I'm not a knight, I am Shrek! So we can both be ogres together!”

“Amazing,” Sirius snorted. “I mean I certainly feel cursed so I guess that checks out.”

James grinned widely and sat up. “Now, shall I get you some breakfast, Princess.”

“Oh, don't you dare to start calling me that!”

Sirius had become familiar with James' peculiar idea of a breakfast by now so he was surprised when he didn't return with the expected beige slop and instead climbed into the bed with two plates of toast, fried eggs and a bit randomly placed apple slices. They sat up atop the bunk, leaning against the wall while they ate, legs still tucked under the blanket. James appeared to know no fear of crumbs in bed. Maybe he really was an ogre…

“So, which one is Sprinkles and which is Frappucino?,” Sirius asked through a mouthful of toast. “Don’t know if you already told me last night I didn't really pay attention.”

James chuckled. “Why don't you guess?”

Sirius thought about it for a moment. “The one over there is Sprinkles,” he finally said and pointed at the bed of the snoring offender. “He seems like a sprinkles guy. Also I can somehow not imagine him drinking something cold, ever.”

James laughed. "Good call. He's a big fan of sprinkles."

Sirius tried to carefully balance the egg on his slice of toast without dripping yolk onto the bed. "I assume Sprinkles is not his actual name."

"Another great guess."

"Do I have to pull every bloody word out of your mouth? What're their fucking names?"

"I don't know, I kind of like you calling them by their drink orders."

Sirius rolled his eyes at James' smirk. "Fine, whatever. You gotta talk to Sprinkles about getting his nostrils checked out, that man is making unholy sounds. I've never heard something like that before and I have slept next to all sorts of people."

James raised an eyebrow. "You have?" He tried to sound nonchalant but Sirius could tell that this was bothering him, which was delightfully stupid.

"Obviously. How do you reckon I earned my money before I started working at the café?"

James now froze fully and Sirius quickly went back to his breakfast to conceal the grin that was trying to creep on his face.

"You are messing with me, aren't you."

"Why, does it bother you?"

"Uh - No, I - I mean if that's - If that's what you had to do to get by - I mean, if that was okay for you I -"

"I'm messing with you," Sirius released him with a chuckle and quickly ducked from the half-hearted swat James threw his way.

"But you are a bit of the jealous kind, aren't you? I've noticed that."

"I'm not jealous," James protested. "I just - I just don't like to share!"

"Spoiled only child," Sirius sneered as if he had ever shared something with Regulus in his life. The Black household hadn't exactly been a commune. Karl would have been appalled. "And don't you reckon that that's the definition of jealousy? Not wanting to share?"

"No!," James said but his voice tapered off at the end as if he was reconsidering his stance. "Maybe. I don't care! I'm not jealous! I trust your taste." He flashed him a smile. Sirius shook his head. That ego... But you could hardly blame him with a face like that.

His eyes wandered through the room. It was surprisingly tidy for the estate of three uni students but whether that was due to the men's sense of order or rather due to the fact that there was no space to even let chaos accumulate remained unclear. Sirius silently wondered why James chose to live in such tight quarters with two other people when it had become pretty clear since they had started dating that this was not a question of money. If he had to have someone else around all the time he would tweak, he knew that from experience... Well, except James of course. James didn't count.

"Do they also study physics then?," he asked with a nod into the empty room.

James shook his head. "Pe - Frappucino started with me but he switched to business and marketing and Sprinkles is in psychology."

"Psychology? Maybe that's why he hates me," Sirius joked. "I am the assignment that haunts his free-time."

James laughed but shook his head. "He doesn't hate you. He's just overly careful around people sometimes."

"Well, frankly I don't care whether he does or not. As long as he won't rat me out to the dean or something -"

"He won't do that. He's is trustworthy, don't worry. We've been friends since first semester!"

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "But you're not even in the same major."

"Yeah but the first-semester events for physics are always held together with the psychology department to, you know, even out the gender ratio at the parties."

"And of all the hot girls you chose Sprinkles."

"No, that's not what I meant, you -" Another attempted swat flew towards him. Sirius caught James' hand halfway in the air and redirected it into his, squeezing gently. A soppy smile immediately replaced the indignant expression in James' face.

"And Frappucino?," Sirius inquired. "Did you also meet him here?"

"No, we've been friends forever. We grew up in the same town, our houses were in the same street.

"Wow, that is long," Sirius said and suddenly felt a twinge at the thought that someone else knew James so well. Maybe he also didn't like to share. Must be nice to have a friend since childhood. Someone who you shared more than a decade of memories, someone who knew you all and completely... on second thought, Sirius wasn't so sure if that really was for him. He didn't necessarily enjoy being known. Well, except by James of course. James, the consistent exception. He took another bite of toast, absentmindedly staring into the room.

"Don't they need to be changed?"

Sirius turned his head to find that James was looking at his bandaged left arm. He shrugged. "I think it's fine. I can change them tonight."

James' brows drew further together and he reached out for his arm, tentatively as if he were expecting him to pull away. He almost did.

"Can I see it?," James asked quietly.

"See it?"

James shrugged but then nodded. "I want to see how bad it is."

Sirius hesitated. "Only if you don't freak out."

James looked up. "I won't."

Sirius started to unwrap his arm, each round of removed bandage revealing a little more of the three long gashes he had torn into his skin. The sight didn't do anything to him but from the corner of his eye he saw James' expression flicker and twitch as if he was holding back his shock. And that did do something to him.

Almost ashamed he put the bloodied bandages and gauze pads aside, not able to bring himself to look James in the eye. For a moment they just sat there, James staring at his injuries and Sirius staring at the paisley pattern of James' bedsheets, until suddenly he felt fingertips ghosting over the skin on his wrist.

"It's still bleeding." James' voice was barely more than a whisper.

"It's not really bleeding. Just a bit of wound water. And they...reopened a bit this morning." He didn't have to tell James how that had happened, did he?

"That...It looks pretty deep. Are you sure you won't need stitches?"

Sirius almost snorted. "No. Don't worry, I've got experience with cuts. They'll heal just fine."

James didn't look like these words pacified him in the slightest but he didn't say anything. Sirius just wished he would stop staring at his arm like that. With that much pity. He hated to be pitied.

"It really is fine, you don't have to -"

"How did you... With what?"

"Nail scissors."

James grew pale, but finally looked up in his eyes again. Sirius immediately realised how much worse that was.

"Nail scissors?! But how - ?"

"Don't ask me for details," Sirius cringed and pulled his arm back. He had enough of being examined. He had done what he had needed to do to keep it together in the moment. And maybe he had cut a little to deep, too carelessly, too angry with himself and too desperate for the relief the pain would bring. Too eager to punish the thing that almost hurt James, to bleed it out, take it deeper just to throw it away.

And hadn't it helped? Hadn't it calmed him down enough to not do anything worse? It had kept him safe, him and James.

"I'm sorry," he said still, because he was, when he saw the disturbed look in James' eyes.

James just shook his head. "You don't have to apologise to me." He put his plate to the side and began to climb out the bed.

A surge of panic shot though Sirius. "Where are you going?"

"Getting the first aid kit. The cuts need to be cleaned and rewrapped." James didn't sound like he was willing to budge on this so Sirius waited for him to return with a little red pouch he had dug up from underneath Sprinkles' bed and held out his arm to let James wipe down the cuts with an antiseptic wipe. It stung a bit but Sirius didn't flinch. James still apologised. He noticed that his hands were shaking a little as he put away the used wipe and unwrapped the gauze sheets.

"You don't have to do this," Sirius said gently. "I can do that myself."

"No," James said firmly. "Let me help you. Please."

James probably hadn't bandaged many arms before and it showed. He first wrapped them too loose and then too tight but Sirius didn't mind to guide him through it. James looked cute when he was concentrating... And he enjoyed the lingering warmth of his hands holding his wrist and plucking on the bandage to get it into the right spot.

"But -," James asked into the silence they had fallen into. "- You don't feel like you have to do this again soon, do you?"

Sirius almost laughed about the question. "Not right now, no."

James nodded solemnly, not taking his eyes of his work in progress. "Good. Let me know if that changes, okay?"

"And then what?"

James paused for a moment. "I don't know, maybe I can just hold you until it goes away."

"James..."

James wiped at his eye under his glasses and Sirius noticed just now how much they had glazed over. He stopped James' fingers, stuffed the end of the bandage under the last wrap and pulled him into his arms. "James, I'm so sorry."

Fingers dug into his shirt. "I should have stopped you," James croaked into his shoulder, his voice muffled by the fabric. "I should have done something, anything - "

"I told you, there was nothing you could have done. You couldn't have stopped me."

"But she could! Pommy just walked in there and... and you opened the door for her. Why didn't you open the door for me? I just wanted to help you."

"I know, and in other circumstances I'm sure I would have. But you need to understand that I was scared of you! I was just so confused about you calling me Padfoot and then I had all these thoughts about... About you being dangerous. I know it sounds silly but I couldn't trust you in that moment." And I also couldn't trust myself around you either...

James let out a deep, frustrated sigh. "I shouldn't have said that, I don't even know where I got this from! But I swear I didn't stalk you or some shit."

"No, I'm sure you didn't," Sirius tried to placate him. "Maybe I did mention it to you sometime after all."

He was pretty sure that he hadn't. Padfoot was a thing of the past. A name he used when he didn't dare to tell anyone his real name, worried he may be easier to track down if he did. The only name Bucket and Scotty had known him by. He hadn't used it since. He no longer had a reason to conceal his identity to hide from - Wait. He perked up excitedly.

"Karl! Oh my God, it must have been Karl!"

"Huh?" James lifted his head off his shoulder.

"I called myself Padfoot when I first met Karl. Old habits kicking in and all that, I just didn't know if he'd rat me out for - Well, that doesn't matter. But that explains how you knew it! Karl must have referred to me with Padfoot and you picked it up." He beamed at James but only earned a frown.

"You think so?"

Sirius nodded. "Well, that must be the explanation. It's just like with your jacket!"

"Hmm, yes, probably," James hummed thoughtfully. "Though I - Oh, never mind, it really does make sense." He finally matched Sirius' smile.

Elated and relieved by this explanation Sirius caught James' face in between his hands and pulled him into a kiss. Of course he wasn't a crazy stalker. Of course there was a logical explanation. He should have never doubted him, never let his mind get this far with its theories. From now on, he swore himself, he would trust James no matter what. And if that killed him in the end, then so be it. It was all worth it as long as he could have a little bit more of this.

They decided to spend the rest of the morning in bed, snuggled up to eachother watching episodes of Myth Busters on James’ phone, and then they decided to spend lunchtime in bed snogging in between chunks of a more or less heated debate about the probability of life outside of earth.

”I just think that if you argue that the probability of no other life forms apart from us at all is negligibly low, it makes no sense to argue against the existence of higher life-forms!,” Sirius proclaimed while playing with James glasses.

“I didn't argue against their existence, I just said that it is very unlikely that we will find higher life-forms. Because if there were some in detectable vicinity of the earth - “

“What if they move though? They could have space ships.”

“Okay calm down Mulder,” James laughed and snatched his glasses back with surprising precision. “The probability of aliens with highly developed space ships is even lower.”

“But it is non-zero.”

“Well, yes, a lot of things are non-zero Sirius. Like, for example, all the numbers except zero.”

Sirius snorted a laugh. “Don't get smart with me, idiot. I just mean we need just one life-form developing a way to travel fast enough and they could reach us!”

“And why would they do that?”

“For the same fucking reason we are sending satellites into outer space - because they are curious for all that is out there!”

“Well,” James said. “I still don't think it will happen.’

“Well,” Sirius mocked him with a grin. “I don't care what you think, we are talking about statistics here, Potter.”

“Probabilities,” James corrected, before smothering Sirius' rebuttal in another kiss.

Placated with this turn of events Sirius leaned his forehead against James’, enjoying the soft tingle that the touch caused, spreading over his face and neck and down his back. James’ fingers found their way in his hair and for a momen they were just laying there, face to face, arms wrapped around eachother.

“Thank you for letting me stay,” Sirius murmured. He had meant to say it all morning but hadn't found the right moment for it until now.

James smiled and brushed his thumb over the shell of Sirius’ ear. “Of course.”

“No, not of course. You had every right in the world to say no after what I did last night. And every reason to run…”

James’ brows drew together. “Are you trying to tell me to stay away from you again? Because I - “

“No,” Sirius said quietly. “I'm glad you didn't run. I'm glad you stayed.” He trailed his fingers over James’ cheek. “I don't think you have any sense of self preservation but I - “ He paused for a second, letting the words roll back and forth on the tip of his tongue before he was sure he was ready to let them pass. “ - I love you too.”

James gasped. Or maybe he was just having trouble breathing because Sirius was stealing all his oxygen, being so close to his mouth and all, Sirius wasn't sure. But he was definitely pulling him closer now and soon their lips met once more in a tender kiss, much more gentle and tame than all the ones they had shared before. Sirius enjoyed it. There was no rush in it, no hidden desire to take things further, at least not this time.

A spike of guilt settled in his stomach. Why did he even think that? He should want sex with James, not dread the prospect of it. And he did want it, it was all just complicated. Too complicated in fact to think about right now, he decided and pushed the thought back into the drawer it had sprung free from. Instead he shifted lower, snuggling up to James’ chest again which was received with welcoming arms wrapping around him.

“Can we just stay like this forever?,” Sirius murmured into James’ shoulder.

"I've got rugby training this afternoon," James said apologetically. Sirius pulled a face that James couldn't see. "You can tag along if you - "

"No thank you."

"What?!," James asked, his tone heavy with indignation. "You mean you don't want to see me run across a field in shorts, all sweaty and dirty..."

Sirius hummed. "It does sound tempting but it is raining, and I can have you sweating in shorts inside as well, can't I?" James blushed profusely at his smirk.

"Well, fine then. You can go stay here if you like. But I think... Sprinkles will be here too."

Sirius shrugged. "No problem, I can stay with Sprinkles."

James laughed hesitantly. "I don't know if I should leave you alone with him. He's - "

"Dangerous during full moons?," Sirius joked and James snorted a laugh.

"Even if he was, I'm sure you could handle him. But I will be back before nightfall anyways," he said.

"Before nightfall," Sirius chuckled. "What are you, some medieval prince?"

"No, I am Shrek! We've been through this, get with it, mate!"

Sirius' snort quickly turned into a full laugh that started to make him feel dizzy. Coming here had been a good choice.

Sirius had started to feel uneasy the second James had pressed a last kiss onto his lips before leaving the dorm with his bag slung over his shoulder, leaving him alone in the small room. Suddenly the bunk that had been so comfortable and cosy just minutes ago made him feel trapped and restricted. He climbed down the ladder too hastily and banged his toe on one of the steps. Cursing and clutching his foot he stood on the weirdly cold floorboards, his heart beating too fast for none reason at all.

As long as James had been there everything had felt somewhat okay but now that he was gone Sirius became acutely aware of how ridiculously out of place he was here, in a university he didn't attend, invading the space of at least one person that'd rather not have him here. The bunk beds reminded him too much of the ones in the clinic. The few months he hadn't spent in solitary had been horrible. He shouldn't be around other people.

He could run. Leave. Of course he could, he could always just run. He was good at running. But where to? Being away from James didn't sound very nice...

So instead of running he snatched his hoodie from the bed and went to the adjoined bathroom. After vanishing himself and his scars in the thick, black fabric he washed his face, once, twice and then a third time until his skin felt a little numb from the ice cold water. He brushed his teeth with what he hoped was James' toothbrush and unsuccessfully searched for a hair brush of some sort but apparently he was living with barbarians now. Or ogres... A smile crept onto his face and he sighed deeply, the heaviness he'd just felt slowly lifting back off his chest again. He could do this. James would be back soon.

When he stepped out of the bathroom, Sprinkles had returned and was sitting on his bed. He couldn't have expected him because he almost jumped into the air like a startled cat when he saw him.

"Hi," Sirius said, in an half-hearted attempt to seem friendly. He really didn't have time or energy to deal with Lanky Man's sensitivities. Plus, he was still a little pissed off at him for his snoring.

"Hello," Sprinkles replied wide eyed and tense up into the tip of his hairs. "I didn't know you were here."

"Well James left me."

"He - ?"

"In the room. He's got rugby."

"Oh." Sprinkles nodded and let out a breath, eyes darting between Sirius and the creases of his worn down corduroy trousers. "Yes, he does. And you stayed here. Alone. Of course."

Sirius quirked an eyebrow and wandered over to the only other visible seating option by the desk. Why was Sprinkles being so weird and nervous? He hadn't even done anything yet! He'd been pretty well behaved so far! Unless James had told him about last night...

"Don't worry," he said as he sat down. "I can entertain myself. You can just pretend I'm not there."

Sprinkles laughed but it didn't sound very happy. "Of course. Just... feel right at home."

"Will do." Sirius leaned back in the desk chair and looked out of the window that surely could have used some cleaning. Outside the rain was darkening the sky so much it seemed much later in the day than it actually was, tree branches were swaying in the wind. Why James was choosing to spend this time outside on a rugby field was inexplicable to him but who was he to judge other people's wonderous life choices.

His eyes wandered across the table. It held a file organiser with three trays, each labeled with a letter. P, R and J. James had almost called Frappucino something with a P earlier so Sprinkles must be the R. What could his name be? Rudolf? Ralph? Richard? Maybe Richard. He looked a little bit like a Richard. Sirius threw a sneaky look over his shoulder to see maybe-Richard had picked up a book that he couldn't see the title of. But it looked like a reference book. Maybe he was doing homework. What kind of homework would a psychology major have? Maybe a risk-assessment of his new roommate...

Sirius curiously pulled out the top paper in James' tray. It was an assignment sheet, dated for this week! Exciting!

Sirius skimmed the tasks. Most of them appeared to be the kind of position estimations he had done with uncle Alphard when he was a kid and he had still been allowed to visit without constant supervision by his mother. They had spent some memorable nights on top of a hill near Port Talbot, with Uncle Alphard's big handheld telescope, trying to find a planet or the lights of a removed galaxy that was currently in the right spot to be seen from Wales. So this didn't seem that hard. Where did James keep his calculator?

While rummaging through the mess on the small desk (Really, how could anyone work like this?!) He could feel Richard's eyes burn holes into his back. With raising annoyance Sirius decided to just resort to do the calculations on paper and snatched a notepad and a pen. Behind him it was still completely quiet.

He threw a look over his shoulder. "What 'cha starin' at, Sprinkles?"

Richard's eyes quickly darted back to his book. "Nothing. I'm reading."

"You haven't turned a page since I sat down and I suppose you can't be that slow of a reader."

Richard scoffed, his cheeks turning an almost endearing shade of pink. "I am not! I am merely a bit distracted by your presence."

Sirius smirked and clicked with the ballpoint pen. "I get that a lot."

"That's not how I meant it!," Richard spluttered and, predictably, turned a darker shade of crimson.

"I know."

"I'm just - "

"Concerned for your safety."

Richard's mouth opened and closed again. "Well," he said finally. "I don't even know you."

"Then why be scared?"

"You seem a bit - "

"Like a psycho?" This was fun.

Richard flinched. "I wouldn't put it like that."

"But you are scared?"

Richard shrugged defensively but held his gaze. "Maybe."

Sirius smiled. "I like you, Sprinkles. You seem like a sensible bloke."

After a moment of tense silence Richard let out another one of these held breaths that sounded like air releasing from a pressure cooker. "So, I take it you will stay for a while."

"Yes."

"May I ask, why?"

"You may."

"Would you also extend me the kindness to answer?"

Sirius snickered. "Sure. My social worker wants me to go back to the psych ward and I have no plans going so I cannot go back to my flat for obvious reasons."

Richard clearly did not enjoy this response, something Sirius had been counting on. It was probably a bit mean to lean into his worries like this but he didn't really had it in him to care. Hopefully that would get him off his case.

"Why - " Richard paused and fidgeted with the corner of the current page " - Why does he want that?"

"She." Sirius crossed his arms. This really felt a little like his early sessions with Miss Grottworth.

"Okay, why does she want you to go into a clinic?"

"Because she thinks I am a threat to myself, Sprinkles." He spun the pen between his fingers and smiled. "Me and, who knows, maybe others." This was mean. Sirius could tell he had hit a nerve by how the colour drained from Richard's face.

But to his great surprise the man didn't jump up and took flight like he had expected him too. Instead he drummed his fingers on his thigh in a way that he probably deemed an unnoticeable soothing technique and managed to steady himself.

Brave, lanky, Richard cleared his throat. "Do you share her assessment?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow. What a silly question, of course he didn't! Well - Maybe. Partly. "I don't know."

"You're not sure?" Richard's eyes flickered over to the bandages peeking out from his sleeve. Sirius instinctively pulled it down.

"I don't think I need to go to a clinic."

"Okay."

Sirius' brows rose further. "Okay?"

"Well if you think that you've got everything under control - " Richard was interrupted by Sirius' hollow laugh. He had nothing under control anymore. His decision against the clinic wasn't based on him having enough control it was about not relinquishing the last bits he still did have.

"You don't understand this, Sprinkles. But don't worry, it's alright. You're not my therapist after all." He said the last part with a bit too much sharpness. The tapping accelerated.

"What exactly... I mean you don't have to tell me, but - "

"What do I have? You wanna know all my ICD-10 codes?"

Richard opened his mouth to reply but Sirius didn't give him the chance to. "F20, F33, F42, F43 - Do you want me to keep going?"

"There's more?," Richard asked with now barley concealed alarm.

"Well, some of them aren't fully diagnosed yet. It's hard to tell them all apart, you know. Kind of a big tangled mess."

To his surprise Richard just nodded. He was watching him vigilantly but the tension had left his shoulders. "I can imagine. But, if I'm not mistaken, all of these can be handled well with the right tools and medication."

Yes, right. The medication that was laying in his bathroom cabinet at home. He had already missed his morning dose of antipsychotics. But so far he felt fine... Sirius picked at his nail beds.

"You have your medication with you, right?" Richard asked as if he had read his mind. Creepy!

"No."

"No?!"

"Left it in my flat to which I, as just explained, can not return."

Richard stared at him for a second. Then he opened his bedside drawer. "What to you take?"

"Risperiodone and Fluotexin daily. Ativan for emergencies but I have some of that left in my pocket. Why?"

To his utter confusion Richard pulled out two blisters from his drawer, like some sketchy pharmacist. "Here. I don't know how much you take but this should be enough for the next weeks. I can get you more when it's finished."

Sirius stared down at the medication Richard had dropped into his lap. This was a wild turn of events... "Why do you have that? Do you take these?!"

"No. But I... I just have them. Just in case."

"In case of what?"

"In case of... emergency."

Sirius frowned. What kind of fucking emergency?

"Are these legit?," he inquired while inspecting the print on the blisters. He recognised the name of the substances but not the brands printed with it. "Where did you get these?"

"Does that really matter?" Richard sounded like someone who definitely had something to hide. Sirius decided to no longer press the issue with him and take investigations into his own hands. He got up and pulled the bedside drawer open himself, looking for the box Richard had taken the pills from.

He had prepared himself for being shouted at for this, maybe even pushed away from the drawer but instead Richard leapt to his feet the second he stepped to his bedside, book held out like a shield between them in the manner of a priest during an exorcism. Sirius turned to him with mild concern.

"Relax, I'm just looking at what you're trying to poison me with." He tried to diffuse the situation with what he reckoned must be a charming wink but it lacked the desired effect.

"I will go," Richard stated, his voice pitched high just like it had been earlier. "I will... I will get us some tea. You should have some. I should have some. Tea, time for tea. Teatime."

Sirius stared at him bewildered as he fled the room, his thick psychology book tucked under his arm.

"What the fuck was that?," he murmured to himself before returning his attention to the contents of the drawer.

It was filled with all sorts of mood stabilisers - Sirius had taken most of them at some point and recognised the others from what had been suggested to him at some point or another - and none of the packaging were in English. A notable amount was written in Cyrillic letters, some in Turkish, some in languages he couldn't exactly pinpoint but his bet was on Slovak. None of them appeared to be opened.

Sirius closed the drawer again and sat back down at the desk, pondering the blisters. This was extremely weird. So weird in fact, that he went back to look into the drawer a few times to make sure he hadn't hallucinated the whole thing. But no; it all appeared very real. And while it was certainly puzzling that Sprinkles-Richard had a random drawer full of psychiatric medication the real question was: Should he take it?

Because Richard certainly had a point. Not taking his meds could make him volatile and more of a threat to James, which was the last thing he wished to be. On the other hand... Richard didn't want him here, that much was clear. What if the pills weren't what was on the box after all? What if he was trying to poison him? He had said these were for emergencies after all...

Sirius shook his head. That was silly and unlikely! Such thoughts were exactly why he should be taking his medication!

But it makes you fat. You don't want to be fat, do you? And the sex... do you really think your sweet James will still like you when you're fat and frigid? Why would he waste his time with that?

He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his neck. This was too much to think about right now. After last night he felt too tired and tender to fight with the voices. He'd just wait for James to come back and ask him. That would be best. He could still disagree with him if he had the wrong opinions...

His mother's voice, dressed in an auditory lacy veil kept hissing and whispering but Sirius decided not to hear it this time. He had an assignment to finish.

When James returned Sirius was still fully immersed in the calculations. After some digging in James' tray he had found the reference map needed, but it had still taken him a hot second to get back into it. Still he had almost finished the sheet and was a bit annoyed when his efforts were interrupted by two arms wrapping around him from behind, obstructing the view on his notes. But only for the split second the warmth of James' skin took to seep through his hoodie.

"What are you doing there?," James asked and dropped his chin onto his shoulder.

"Your homework."

James' head lifted up again and he reached for the paper. "How the fuck - How did you do that?!"

Sirius turned around to him with a frown. "Do you actually want me to explain the process to you or - ?"

"No, fucks sake, Sirius I know how to do this, but how do you know?"

"Oh, so you think you're smarter than me," Sirius said with false indignation, amused by James' surprised reaction. The assignments hadn't' really been hard after all. Probably just some intro work to start into the course or something.

James snorted and gently whacked him with the paper. "Of course I don't think that, you nugget, I would just like to know why the hell you can do elementary astrophysics when you don't even study physics!"

Sirius shrugged. "It's just math, innit? I'm good at math."

"Good at math," James snorted. "You're a fucking genius, mate!"

"Hardly."

"Bullshit, this is some advanced shit and you just did that without ever going to any classes!"

"Well stop fawning already and let me finish, I need to double check if the results make sense," Sirius said and snatched the paper back.

As he went back over the calculations, absentmidedly chewing on the inside of his cheek, James picked up the blister packages he had put to the side.

"What are those."

"Meds."

"I can see that. Did you bring these? They don't look like the ones you usually take."

"It's a diffrent brand. Sprinkles gave them to me. By the way, is his name Richard?"

"He did what?!"

"He gave me the pills. He appears to have an entire drawer of them."

"Yes," James scoffed. "His emergency stash. Don't know what kind of emergency he is preparing for with that."

"Does he take them?"

"Nah, he doesn't have a prescription. He gets them on the black market as far as I know."

Richard was getting stuff on the black market. Interesting, Sirius hadn't taken him for someone who dabbled in anything illegal. Maybe they could get along after all.

"You haven't taken any, have you?"

"No." Sirius finally turned around to James again. "Do you think I shouldn't?"

"Absolutely not!" Oh wow, James was fuming. "You don't even know what's in there! I can't believe he even gave them to you! That is unethical!"

"I don't know about that..."

The door opened and, as if on cue [I mean he is. I am giving him the fucking cue, don't I] Sprinkles returned. He appeared to have forgotten his book somewhere. James immediately rushed towards him with the blisters in hand. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Richard recoiled, though not in the same way he had earlier. "Look, James -"

"No, not look, James! I don't want you to give him your black market crap!"

Sirius reached for James' elbow and gently dragged him back. "Hey, relax. It's not like I am a child, I can assess risks myself."

James huffed, angrily. "You have no buisness giving fucking meds to him!"

"I'm sorry," Richard said, clearly shaken by James' outburst. He probably didn't usually get this angry, at least Sirius had never seen him like this. "It's just - We talked and I just don't think it's a good idea for him to go cold turkey off his medication. That can have severe consequences for future psychotic episodes - “

“You're not a fucking doctor!,” James snapped at him.

“But he's not wrong," Sirius interrupted. "If you go off without tapering it properly you can make things worse.”

"Well then..." James trailed off, throwing his hands up. "Well then we have to get you your meds. Not this shit that could have anything in it!"

"James, these are just diffrent brands from other countries," Richard protested.

"You buy these on the fucking internet!"

"So what, a lot of people buy medication on the internet!"

"Can you two stop fucking yelling?," Sirius snapped. The air felt thick and uncomfortable and he hated to be stuck in a room with people who were fighting. If there had to be an argument he at least wanted to be involved!

"Sorry," James said softly and sat down on unidentified P's bed. "Well, how about I just go to your flat, fetch your medication and we forget about this whole thing?"

"Absolutely not," Sirius said, an icy heat rolling over his body at the thought. "You can't go back there."

"Why not?"

"Because then they will see you and know where I am staying, which defeats the entire purpose of me being here!"

"You think?," James asked, frowning. "I don't reckon Pommy will have set up camp there."

"You're not going."

"What if I go?," Richard offered. "They do not know me."

James shrugged. "Yeah, that could work. And Remus is good at blending in, eh?" He nudged his friend into the side, animosities seemingly forgotten

So this was Remus then. He had imagined him taller somehow.

Sirius considered his options for a moment. Pommy didn't know Remus, but if she saw him enter would she not still follow him? And much more importantly, did he trust this stranger to enter his flat? What if he was only offering to search his stuff and find something that would make James leave him? What if he was only asking to find Pommy and tell her where he was so he'd be taken away?!

"No," he said finally, crossing his arms. His head was buzzing again and he didn't like it. "I have gone off meds before so I know what to look out for. James can keep an eye on me and if things go bad I will take the sketchy stuff, because it will hardly kill me. Now if you don't mind, I've been cooped up in here all day and I need to get out before I suffocate!" He got up and walked up to the door, secretly hoping that James would follow him.

He did. Hurrying behind him as Sirius sped through the corridors of the dormitory complex. Being here was stressing him out. There were just too many people and not in the way there were many people in his apartment complex, where it provided comfortably anonymity. Here everyone seemed to know eachother, or at least everyone seemed to know James, judging by the constant waves and greetings sent his way. Sirius was glad when they finally made it outside the building.

The rain had stopped and the sun was peeking through dispersing clouds, warming up the still humid evening air.

"I'm sorry," Sirius said, not entirely sure what he was apologising for.

"It's fine," James said lightly and took his hand. "We're going to figure this out. And who knows, maybe you don't even need your medication anymore!"

Sirius laughed. How could he think that after everything that had just happened?

"I mean you did take them and you still went through it yesterday," James stated as if he had read his mind.

"Yeah, great, thank you that helps," Sirius said snarkily.

James squeezed his hand. "I just meant that the reason you got so bad was just that you had to go through something scary all by yourself. So you might be just fine as long as... Well as long as I'm with you."

Sirius snorted but it had no real bite and came out more as a sigh than anything else. He wanted James to be right. And who knew, maybe he was. He was often right, eventhough Sirius certainly would never tell him that.

"We'll see. I mean last time I got off them like that it worked out fine." Apart from the warthog, but he would also not tell him that. There was simply no other option right now, apart from Sprinkles' potentially questionable pills so they would just have to sit it out and hope for the best.

"When was that?"

"When I ran away from the clinic."

"Oh, guess that makes sense."

The cleared up weather had drawn many of the students out of their dorms and out onto the square between the university buildings, some of them had queued up at an ice cream van that was parked on one side between the trees.

Overcome by a wave of high spirits Sirius tugged on James arm. "Let's get ice cream!"

When they reached the van Sirius noted with delight that it didn't just sell the ones on a stick but also had an assortment of flavours you could get in a paper cup. He couldn't remember the last time he had gotten ice cream in a cup. It must have been back when he still lived with his parents, before things got bad. He picked two flavours: Coffee and marshmallow because he couldn't decide on just one when presented with that many unusual flavours and if he was coming off his meds he might as well indulge. He was quite taken off guard when James, who had accompanied him in the line and even paid for his ice cream didn't get any for himself. A bit discouraged he picked at the marshmallow ice cream. It was obnoxiously sweet; why had he picked that?!

"Funny you picked that," James said, pointing at the cup in Sirius' hand. "Marshmallow used to be my favourite as a kid."

"Oh my, we must be soulmates," Sirius quipped and nudged him amicably in the side, before offering him a spoon-full of ice cream. "You want to try it?"

"Nah, thank you. I had enough sugar for today."

Sirius frowned, wondering when James had had any sugar today at all. Maybe he'd had something at rugby practice.

They walked for a bit, passing through the square and away from the crowd in front of the buildings. Sirius was scraping down his ice cream while James seemed to be content just to watch him. It felt weird; Sirius didn't enjoy being watched while he ate, especially when he was the only one eating. To take his mind off of the enroaching thoughts nagging and sneering at him he steered the topic back onto Sprinkles' odd behaviour.

"He's really scared of me, isn't he?"

"Remus? Yeah, he can be like that sometimes. I don't really get why he is studying psychology if he is that worried about mentally ill people but I guess he has his reasons."

"You never talked about it?"

"I tried a few times but he always blocked it off. He can be a little weird sometimes, but he is nice!"

"I don't doubt that," Sirius hummed thoughtfully. What kind of reasons could he have? Could it be that something ran in his family and he was worried he'd get it too? Did he want to be prepared? But the way he'd recoiled when Sirius had even approached him... Maybe really some bad memories of a family member. He knew a thing or two about that...

"What's the other one's name then? Peter?"

James raised his brows and laughed in surprise. "How did you - Yes that is his name!"

"When you almost said his name earlier it started with a Pe sound and that left me with Peter or Percy if we're going with common names. Of course there's always the chance he'd also have a ridiculous name like Sprinkles does - "

"You're the one to judge," James snickered.

"I never claimed my name wasn't ridiciulous! You're the one who got all excited about it!"

James just grinned fondly and shoved his hands into his pockets. Sirius felt the familiar giddiness bubble in his chest that he often felt when it was just them, fooling around, a smile spread across James' face that was too infectious not to match, his presence so warm it melted all his worries away for a moment.

"Don't ever leave me."

The words had left his mouth before he could stop them; the desperate urge to let him know overpowering the guilt ridden knowledge that that was a lot to ask. James, however, appeared to not only not be intimidated or thrown off by such outrageous demands, in fact his smile only grew wider and he snaked an arm around Sirius' waist as they kept walking.

"How could I ever leave your side - ," he said and then, after a short pause with his wistful smile turning into a mischevious grin: " - my beloved ogre princess."

"Oi!," Sirius yelped, laughing and choking on his ice cream at the same time. "I told you not to call me that!"

"Ogre or princess?"

"Both!"

"Hmm okay fine, no ogre princess then. What about...Rapunzel?" He dragged his fingers through the strands of Sirius' hair that were spilling carelessly over his shoulders, before dodging out of his swat range.

"Absolutely not!"

"Snow White, then. Didn't she talk to birds? Kind of fitting with you and your swan..."

"Henry was not a fucking songbird and I for sure didn't tweet little songs with that hissing bastard!"

"Okay, Ariel, my darling pool princess - "

"Cut it out!," Sirius insisted through stifled laughter.

"Ah, no of course! Now I know it! Belle!"

"Alright, I'm going to kill - " He froze midway through the sentence as a glacier of deepset horror crushed any lightheartedness he'd just been floating on.

I'm going to kill you. Oh god, I'm going to kill you.

The thought knocked the air out of his lungs. Suddenly it felt so real; like an inevitability. He would loose control and then he would kill James, no matter how much he tried to stop it. He'd lulled himself into false safety but sooner or later it would lead up to it. He was too violent, too dangerous -

Racing thoughts whirred through his brain as the world around him began to warp. Everything was moving too fast and too slow at the same time, James, who was trying to speak to him, was barely audible, his voice an unintelligible murmur under the sound of blood rushing in his ears. He was grabbed by the shoulders and steered towards a nearby bench.

James should run. He should run. But where to? He had nowhere to go but places They would find him. He couldn't escape his fate. There was no way out, he was trapped.

"Trapped," he said quietly, or at least he thought he did so. James paused his inaudible monologue and looked at him with even deeper concern. Their proximity threatened to tear Sirius apart at the seams.

His heart was galloping in his chest at a pace that made him sure it was going to give out at any moment, while at the same time there just seemed to be no way to get enough air inside his lungs to keep him from gasping like a fish on land. His fingers dug through the soggy cardboard cup in his hand and into the melting ice cream. He was going to die.

No, he told himself, yelling against the storm of irrational thoughts and feelings. This is just a panic attack. You know this. Now calm down and find something to list.

Axe. Blade. Cutter. Dagger -

Stop it! This was making it worse. Oh god, he would kill him. With his fingers wrapped firmly around the edge of the bench he tried to find something else - anything else -, but his mind wouldn't let him focus, tore him back towards these images that he wished he could block out by closing his eyes. He wanted out of here, but there was no way out. He was, indeed, trapped.

People seemed to have noticed that something was amiss and started approaching to investigate. Their looming figures came closer and closer until he couldn't take it any longer and jumped to his feet. Thankfully James didn't make any attempts to stop him and instead grabbed his arm to maneuver him back towards the towering buildings.

The walking helped a little. They were halfway back to James' dorm when Sirius began to feel a little clearer again. Not that he was calm, and not that he could breathe, but he could hear his own footsteps again and his face had stopped feeling numb and he could hear James' voice again, asking: "Do you have your Benzos with you?"

Sirius patted his pockets with shaking hands but there was nothing. He was sure he had packed it! Where was it?! He shook his head at James who only squeezed his arm in response.

They turned the corner and hurried down the corridor to the refuge of the dorm. James shut the door behind them and made Sirius sit on Frappucino's bed. Remus was still in the room, throwing an alarmed look into their direction from the desk.

"What's going on?"

“He’s having a panic attack, I think,” James said and kneaded Sirius’ hand between his fingers. Sitting still made it all worse again. The walls of the small room crept towards him, the stale air thickening in his lungs into an unbreathable substance. He wanted to scream, he wanted it all to fucking stop. James wasn't safe. He was going to -

“A panic attack?,” he heard Remus ask incredulously. “I'm not sure, maybe he's just hungry. Sirius, do you fancy a tomato?”

Sirius looked up flabbergasted. “What?!”

“Do you fancy a tomato? I could fetch you one from the kitchen.”

Sirius stared at Sprinkles as if he had lost his mind. “Why on earth would I want a fucking tomato right now?”

“Mate,” James said. “I don't think a tomato -”

Remus shook his head to shush him. “Tomatoes are very refreshing and vegetables can help with mood disorders.”

“What?! No they cannot, what kind of nonsense is that,” Sirius snapped. Was he out of his mind? What was he even talking about? He wouldn't have taken Sprinkles for one of these natural healing guys but maybe he had been mistaken.

Remus remained steadfast. “All botanical vegetables  -”

“Botanical vegetables?!,” Sirius snorted. “That’s not even a thing!”

“It is!”

Sirius shook his head - and let out a laugh as he realised what was happening. Ah. Clever Sprinkles. The fog of panic had lifted enough that he could see again, the voices subsided, his pulse was slowly tapering down into normal ranges.

“You're good,” he nodded at Remus who got up from his bed with a smile.

“Glad it worked.”

“What worked?,” James asked, looking between them with a puzzled expression.

“Bullshit tactics,” Sirius explained. James didn't seem to understand. His fingers were still tightly wrapped around Sirius’.

“That's not the professional term for it but yes,” Remus said and came over to them, squatting down next to the bed. “Sometimes you can snap someone out of a panic attack by saying something ridiculous.”

“Like offering them a fucking tomato!,” Sirius said with a laugh.

Remus grinned. “I don't even know if we have any tomatoes in the kitchen. But it worked.”

“It did.”

“Great,” James said, with limited enthusiasm. Then he turned to Sirius, voice softened now. “Do you feel okay again?”

Sirius nodded. James smiled and squeezed his hand. “But why - ?”

Remus locked eyes with James and shook his head gently, stopping his question halfway. Sirius was glad he did. He felt depleted and tired and in no state to even remotely explain what had been going on in his head. How could he explain any of that?

“I think I want to lay down if that's okay,” he murmured, the short burst of hilarity was falling off leaving him with nothing but empty exhaustion.

“Yes of course, let's go.” James offered him his hand and helped him out of the corner of Peter's bunk he had retreated into.

Sirius climbed up the ladder with shaky legs and crawled to the side of the bed. Under his knee something crackled. When he investigated it turned out to be the lost blister of Ativan from his pocket. It must have fallen out when he had taken off his pants last night. He was feeling a lot better already but still decided to take one, just to be sure. He still felt a little on edge.

James followed him into the bunk, snuggling up to him and pulled him into a close embrace. Sirius buried his face into the soft fabric of his cotton t-shirt. He smelled of sports shower gel and fabric softener. James ran his fingers through his hair and Sirius sighed, relaxing into the warmth of his body, the safety of his heartbeat and even breaths. Two sounds so precious, he would guard them with his life. And if it meant he had to throw himself off a cliff… For this moment things were okay again.

“Thank you, Sprinkles,” he mumbled into James’ chest.

“Anytime,” Sprinkles answered from his own bed. Sirius could hear the smile in his voice, before the hands drawing circles on his hair made him drift into a dreamless sleep.