Chapter 1: The Songs I Write
Summary:
Age 2-3
Locked in kitchen cupboards, duct taped wrists, ankles, and mouth, though the mouth one never really stayed put.
Biological mother and her boyfriend.
This is about me, yes.
Chapter Text
Sometimes
There are days when I just wanna curl in a ball and cry
It gets hard
When I'm thinking about my past I start to die inside
All the little ways I try to run and hide
Instead of stand and fight
I've got so many questions of why
I can still see it
Sitting in the dark, banging on the door
Hoping for someone to find me, to free me
Someone to let me out of here
Let me out of here
I can't move
I can't see
I can barely breathe in here
Let me out of here
I'm crying in the dark
Slumped against the door
Praying for someone to find me, to free me
Please, let me out of here
I can still feel it
Duct tape burns on my wrists and ankles
Bruises covering everything under my clothes
My stomach grumbles
My mouth is dry
All of my water leaves every time I cry
Freezing cold winters and burning hot summers
I know a room away, they're all sitting in perfect comfort
These are some of the things I remember
The things I still see sometimes
Things that happened over and over
All the things I tried to shove aside
It all comes out in the songs I write
Chapter 2: Stick To My Side of the Binary
Summary:
I came out to my adoptive mother, and she said it was a slap in the face to God, so I took it back, informing her that I was just confused.
I was not confused, but I was terrified of losing her after being abandoned so many times that I took it back.
Chapter Text
I came out
Then came back in
Tried to open up the doors they shut
When they told me it's a sin
It turns out
Being yourself can cause a whole lotta issues
Gather 'round and break out the box of tissues
When I tell you
My story
In the beginning, I thought I was a girl
Turns out that's not really true
'Cause I'm not
Even a little
I guess it makes a lotta people sick
When I tell 'em with gender, I "just can't pick"
So I shoved it down
Real, real deep
Yeah, I'm just like you
Yeah, I guess it's true
Never had a single gender-related issue
Sure, I'll wear that dress
Even if it makes me feel like a mess
I'll smile and wave
Act just like a pretty princess
Just don't leave me
I swear, I'll be who you want me to be
I'll stick to my side of the binary
I stayed in the box you stuck me in
Hid away every pronoun pin
It was just a phase
Walking in a haze
Stick to my side of the binary
Gotta hide my face
Just to stay in the race
Gotta stick to my side of the binary
Stick to my side of the binary
Chapter 3: Home
Summary:
This song was written for my adoptive mother's birthday.
I no longer feel this way, I'm having a hard time feeling safe around someone who refuses to accept who I am.
However, she recently told me that she's willing to help me transition, though she still disagrees, and she wants me to talk to a pastor at her church, first.
I stupidly said yes.
It hasn't happened yet, but...
Chapter Text
There's love in your eyes
Kindness in your smile
I feel at home in your arms
Where I'll hide for a while
Sleeping peacefully
Momentarily worry-free
Safe and warm
Safe from harm
I'll be here
At home in your arms
Chapter 4: Where Would I Be
Summary:
I wrote this for my adoptive mother, on my adoption anniversary.
I hadn't quite caught the fact that she is extremely emotionally abusive and controlling.
She is, though she seems to be working on it.
I'm... wary.
Chapter Text
Where would I be
If you passed me by
Just hear my plea
Don't ask me why
I need you now
This is no lie
Any alternate world
I'd cry
I'm so very grateful
You're very kind
You fight all my battles and supply
All I need to thrive
Without you
I would die
So I
Thank you
Chapter 5: My Place, Not Yours
Summary:
I wrote this after realizing how my adoptive mother was treating me was abusive, because I wasn't at a place where I could verbalize it, yet.
I still haven't shared it with her, but I want to.
Chapter Text
Sometimes I am afraid
No matter what I do
It doesn't go away
Even when I say
This is my life
Not yours
You can't ruin it
Even by force
This is my life
Not yours
Just turn yourself around
Head on back to your town
This is my life not yours
I moved away for a reason
It wasn't meant to just be a season
This is my place
This is my home
So please go back to yours
Because I
Am afraid
No matter what I do
That everywhere I turn
I'll see you
I never said that I don't love you
But this is my place
Not yours
Chapter 6: Heart Sunglasses
Summary:
This is how I acted as a foster kid.
I do, in fact, still have the sunglasses, and do, unfortunately, wear them when I cry.
I don't think it fools anybody.
Chapter Text
(Chorus)
I
try to cry when no ones looking
And I
Hide it behind heart sunglasses
Like
Maybe fake plastic love will make
Me
Look
Happy
I've
Lived everywhere it seems
Family to family
House to house
It seems everything is wrong with me, so
(Chorus)
One day
I meet this lady
She seems to like me, but
No one likes me; it's probably a fluke
And even though
(Chorus)
She seems to see through it...
Fast forward
She's my mom now
I put away the glasses
For her
Until I moved away
Until I moved away
Chapter 7: She Is My Mother
Summary:
I wrote this for one of my mother's birthdays.
I wrote it about ten minutes before I was supposed to see her.
This was all I could think of that didn't sound extremely... emotionally distressed.
Chapter Text
Biggest belly laugh
Most contagious smile
Better at doing math
Than I've been in a while
Gives the biggest hugs
Sings the calmest songs
Helps me go to sleep
It doesn't take that long
It usually takes long
Hair a sneaky blonde
Eyes an ocean blue
Dimpled cheeks and perfect grades and plays the piano and clarinet
Loves turquoise or teal
Never can tell which
Looks great in black
Wears lots of silver jewelry
In case you cannot tell
This perfect mademoiselle
She is my mother
Chapter 8: Bad Daddy
Summary:
This foster dad was named Dave.
He was a pedophile.
He took my virginity at age six.
He got caught doing the same to his stepdaughter when I was fourteen and she was fifteen.
I was already in a new home, currently living in a treatment facility.
He took the coward's way out via his pickup in the closed garage.
He was my half-brother's dad.
No one ever believed me when I reported what he did to me, because I was a traumatized kid who had just come out of a home that literally duct taped me to walls.His stupid eulogy put me as someone he's survived by.
I. Am. Not. His. Freaking. Kid.Sorry. Kind of emotional.
Chapter Text
His smile is fake
His eyes are full of hate
Yet no one but me sees it
He beckons to me
Says he'll set me free
After one more game
Just one more game
He says
Repeat after me
What a good Daddy
Now smile and pose
I smile and pose.
They look at us
They ask me
Is he a good Daddy?
I s'pose.
But in my head, I plead to them
As invisible tears roll down my cheeks
Look at all the bruises
The cuts on my face aren't beauty marks
It's not fair that I have to prove it
He's a bad Daddy
He hits me
He hurts me
He locks me away
Haven't had a full belly since the middle of May
He makes me do things that I'd rather not say
He's a bad Daddy
I scream in my head
Don't let him take me that way
Chapter 9: Six Years Old
Summary:
This was about PTSD flashbacks about living at Dave's.
He locked me, naked, in a bare room, giving me half a peanut butter sandwich once a day.
My hair fell out due to stress, and I got in trouble for "pulling it out", resulting in him shaving my head.
I still deal with flashbacks occasionally, but I take Lithium Carbonate, which... is supposed to help.
Chapter Text
Did
You know
You know
You know oh oh
Did
You know
You know
You know oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Woke up
In yet another house
And he's standing there
Makes me feel like a mouse
Curl up
Back into a ball
Have to hide right here
Hold back the tears
Hold back the screams and
Wallow
Feel so hollow
I count
I keep count
Kick
One, two
Yell
Three, four
Curse
Five, six
Curse the day I was born
One, two
Cry
Three, four
Say you wish I would die
Five, six
Six years old
Six years old
Six years old
Hair falling out from stress
Never allowed to dress
Impossible to decompress
Stuck in this
Mess
Six years old
Chapter 10: I Am Not Okay
Summary:
This song is about me isolating after moving out at eighteen, living in a group home with several violent people, one of whom tried to strangle me underwater at the YMCA, sexually harassed me by pinching my freaking nipples with a pair of pliers, and threw a blender at my head.
He missed.
Luckily.
The staff did nothing, because money.
The group home needed his rent money.
I now live in a group home with three old ladies, which I could easily outrun.
Chapter Text
Right now, I'm sitting in my bedroom
Right now, I'm hiding from the world
Isolation suits me ill
I'm crying all the time
Never really sleep, but I pretend to every time
Someone walks inside
They say
Are you doing okay?
I'm not doing okay
I say yes, but inside I'm saying no
I'm always telling them to go
When I really want them to stay
I'm really not okay
Someone help me
I am drifting
Away
I am not okay
One of these days, I'll have already faded away
I am not okay
Despite what I say, I am really not okay
I am not okay
Curled in a ball with the fakest of smiles on my face
I am not okay
I am not okay
Tears on my cheeks I tell everyone are fake
Hiding away
I am not okay
I try to walk outside when I really just want to hide
I am not okay
I am not okay
No matter what I say
I am not
Okay
Chapter 11: Foster Care
Summary:
This is my experiences in foster care every time a family rejected me due to my mental and physical health needs.
Chapter Text
It talks too much.
Takes up more room
Than I am willing to spare.
Is that how tall?
No, far too small.
My goodness, look at that hair.
I wish you'd said
How very red
It looks in every lighting.
And beside,
I could never abide
One so prone to fighting.
It's a brat.
It's a prat.
It's too skinny.
It's too fat.
I could never let my children play with that.
From what I've seen, it has issues.
I could never afford tissues
For something that cries quite so many tears.
It's a coward, and besides,
I have enough with my own children's fears.
Chapter 12: I'm An Artist
Summary:
This is about my art, and why I do what I do.
Chapter Text
I'm an artist
If only to pull my pain
From my brain
Let me give you the list
I paint my clothes to hide the stains
I write poetry of all that hurts me
Drawing eyes to witness my demise
I'm creating characters, then writing massacres
A window into the lies
I'm an artist
Rearranging the world around me
Chapter 13: Hold It Back
Summary:
This is a song I wrote in response to the boss at my last group home who told me I was not allowed to be triggered by country music, (Dave played it constantly), because another roommate also has (more recent) trauma, and was not triggered.
Backpfeifengesicht.
(I only cuss in German.
Theirs are better.)
Chapter Text
Hold it back
Hold it back
You're not allowed to cry
Your trauma doesn't matter
Cause you're not about to die
Every big feeling bout what happened in the past
Hold it back
Hold it back
No more tears
No more pain
Shove it all down til it doesn't come back again
Oh, it'll never come back again
Just live your life and push right through it
Everybody else has pain and they do it
They all hold it back
Hold it back
Hold it back
Hold it back
Hold it back
Stand up straight and blink your tears away
No more crying and shake your fears away
Shake yourself awake
These are all the words they say
Every time they try to fix me
And every single time they break
My entire heart to pieces
Hold it back
Hold it back
Chapter 14: A Flower Only Wilted On The Inside
Summary:
This is about my desire to be myself, but not feeling safe enough to do so.
Chapter Text
There are things that I want that nobody wants
Things that I need nobody sees
I think we can agree
I think we can agree
That I
I am
A little unusual
I
I am
Over the top
Certainly unique
One of these days I might
Be run right out of town
Like one of the Salem witches
Not quite magical, just a little bit weird
I'm kind of weird
And I
I
I can't decide
Whether to run and hide
Maybe I should only flaunt myself inside
Wipe off all the mud and makeup
Dress in black and white
The whole world is a binary, I'm told
Well, that's getting kind of old
Sometimes
I wanna spray paint my whole body like a rainbow
Dump massive amounts of glitter in the road
Even if it's really wrong
According to what I'm told
I'm different
Not like them
Paint my whole body camouflage
While I cry
Inside I die
I'm like a flower only wilted on the inside
Chapter 15: Denial
Chapter Text
Turn around
Just run and hide
Shove it all back down inside
Just pretend
None of this ever happened
Turn around
Close your eyes
It never happened
Nothing happened
Pick your way through the rubble
If no one sees
There won't be trouble
Everything's fine
Nothing's wrong
Just fall back into line
Just turn around
I never heard a sound
Chapter 16: No
Chapter Text
No
No
No
No
It's
All
I
Ever
Seem
To
Hear
These
Days
No
No
No
It's
Turned
My
Life
From
Colors
Into
Grays
No
No
No
No
Matter
What
I
Do
They
Always
Say
No
No
No
It
Turns
Out
Growing
Up
Is
Work
Not
Play
No
No
No
No
Chapter 17: I Lost My Mind
Chapter Text
I lost my mind
I lost my mind
Gone, I don't know where to find
Where to look, oh, where to look?
Stuck in the darkest place
No emotion on my face
All was took, all was taken
Any happiness mistaken
I lost my mind, lost my mind
I get a mental vacation
With every medication
I am lost, lost forever
Chapter 18: Yeah, I'm Strange
Chapter Text
I laugh hysterically
At random intervals
I dress like a circus clown
From the 1980's
I make slightly concerning interesting comments
In every conversation
When there's no relation
I watch movies while sitting upside-down on the couch
I eat far too many potatoes to be considered healthy
People say it's concerning
I'm just growing my gut
My favorite color is iridescent
My favorite song changes sporadically
I like to dance while washing the dishes
I bark back to my dog
I spend hours contemplating
Who knows what
Chapter 19: Just A Bit Psychotic
Chapter Text
I'm just a tiny, little, small bit psychotic
Every single day I get a lot more neurotic
My brain is always spinning in place
My sanity is gone without a trace
Okay, I might have been lying
If the sheer amount of crying
Has anything to say about it
It's clearly not just a bit
Chapter 20: Lonely
Chapter Text
Why am I lonely?
I am not like anyone else.
I have been through things most people have not, and my mind is not like theirs.
Why am I lonely?
I have an overwhelming desire to control the ones who hurt me, but at the same time, I wish to be controlled.
Why am I lonely?
I feel like a child now that I am an adult, but I had to be an adult when I was a child.
Why am I lonely?
I am not thin, I am not pretty, and I am not charming.
I am not fat, I am not ugly, and I am not repulsive.
I am somewhere in between.
Why am I lonely?
I am weird.
That is why I am lonely.
Because I am not normal.
Chapter 21: Ever So Lonely
Chapter Text
Why would anybody
Wanna be with me?
I mean look at me
I'm nobody
I'm broken, I'm frozen in time
Why would anybody want me?
So I
Turn around, I don't bother asking
In the sun all the people are basking
As I hide in the dark
This is my story arc
Just pretend, just pretend I'm fine
As I close my eyes
I don't bother fighting, it's by design
But I'm
Ever so lonely
And I'll
Never be happy in this life
Everything's broken, swallowed in strife
I'm ever so lonely
From my perspective, there is no sun
They turn away, I'm ignored by everyone
I'm ever so lonely
Just
Close my eyes, dig my self in the dirt
Buried alive, buried alive
Ever so lonely
Chapter 22: All The Confusion Here
Chapter Text
I don't even know what
I don't even know what you want
I don't even know what
I don't even know what you want from me
What do you want from me
What do you want
Look at me, I've done just about everything
Sick of all the confusion here
Sick of all of the madness, stuck in the sadness
Told me you wanted me, said I was needed here
Do you even know what
Do you even know what you want
I don't even know what
I don't even know what I want
What do I want?
I'm sick of all the confusion here
So just
Turn around
Don't bother asking any questions
Go skip town
I don't care about your intentions
All you ever did
Was add to all the confusion here
Chapter 23: Broken Pieces
Chapter Text
Broken pieces
Scattered in the wind
Tired creases
Framing my eyes
Tired of their lies
I
I just wanna cry
Trying not to die
Broken eggshells
I try not to dwell
Hear my screams
I know how it
Seems...
Broken pieces
Chapter 24: Impulse
Chapter Text
Da
Da-da-da
Da
Da Da
Da
Da-da-da
Da
Da da
Hey, everyone, look at me, look at me-e!
Da
Da-da-da
Da
Da da
Da
Da-da-da
Da
Da da
Look, I'll do pretty much anythi-ing!
Da
Da-da-da
Da
Da da
Da
Da-da-da
Da
Da da
I'll spin, I'll jump, I'll stand and scre-eam!
Da
Da-da-da
Da
Da da
Da
Da-da-da
Da
Da da
But, guys... I have to admit...
It's all on impulse
I never even think about it
I don't think it counts as bravery
When the person doing it doesn't even feel like me
Oh, it doesn't even feel like me
It's all on impulse
Like some kinda disease
It doesn't even feel like me
My brain went on leave
Da
Da-da-da
Da
Da da
Da
Da-da-da
Da
Da da
Hand on the stove and heart on the line
Don't even realize I'm doing the crime 'til I walk in my cell and I'm doing the time
It's like
Somebody else at the wheel
I hardly know how I feel
Got stuff in my pocket I don't know I steal, I promise it wasn't me, they show me the reel.
It looks pretty real...
I say...
It's all on impulse
I never even think about it
I don't think it counts as larceny
When the person doing it doesn't even feel like me
Oh, it doesn't even feel like me
It's all on impulse
Like some kinda disease
It doesn't even feel like me
My brain went on leave...
Da
Da-da-da
Da
Da da
Da
Da-da-da
Da
Da da...
Chapter 25: Sick of Sadness
Chapter Text
I can't breathe
I'm coughing up my hopes and dreams
My hopes and dreams
Eyes swollen with tears
Seems like I've been crying for years
Hiding from my fears
Sick and tired of this life
Masquerading, nothing changing
Chapter 26: Colorblind
Chapter Text
Their world...
It's all black.
And white.
And gray...
Grayscale...
Everybody's frozen...
Stuck in a trance.
I'm stuck in a
Dance...
'Cause I'm not
Colorblind
Why don't you just
Press rewind
'Cause when you're stuck in the past
I will always outlast
Chapter 27: Why?
Chapter Text
Why?
Why am I here, swallowed by fear?
Drifting by...
All of these melodies, I flip through the dictionary...
To somehow find my words.
We're all told these lies...
Happily ever after
Just wait for the next chapter...
But everyone dies.
Why?
Chapter 28: If Only
Chapter Text
If only I could fly
With super-strength, I'dve clocked them all in the eye
Running faster than the speed of light
One look at me, they'd run away in fright
No weaknesses
Chapter 29: ?
Chapter Text
I don't really know what to write
I'm just feeling things
Stuck in my head
This is my
Musical journal
So even if my words are gone, I'll sing what I feel
I don't know what to write
I'm just making it up as I go
Sometimes it tends to go pretty slow
So I'll just sing
Keep walking along
Singing this song
Hey, it's me again
Sitting in the car
Straight out of therapy
Needed to write, needed to sing
Chapter 30: I'm Dreaming of a Paradise
Chapter Text
I'm dreaming of a paradise
Live my life with forever closed eyes
Dancing pictures in the dark
Always pretending there's a spark
To forge my happiness
I'm dreaming of a world without pain
Instead I'm swallowed by burning rain
Chapter 31: I Read Online
Chapter Text
I read online one time
That if you chop your hair instead of cut your arms, nobody'll know you wanted to harm
It has the same effect
Minus the permanent regret
I read online one time
If you want to hurt someone
Just draw them crying
It's better than them accidentally dying
And you won't have go on the run
I read online one time
If you can't make yourself eat, just drink a crap ton of milk
If you want protein,
Make sure not to drink Silk
Almonds just aren't the same
I read online one time
Apple seeds contain Cyanide
I read online one time
If you lay flat on the road, the guy running you over won't be charged with Manslaughter
'Cause it's clear you tried to hide
Chapter 32: Trolley
Chapter Text
They tell you sticks and stones
Remember, sticks and stones
Well, words feel like a tazer
Just 'cause it isn't lethal
Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt
Remember, right and wrong is like yes and no
Well, what about the maybe's?
Life isn't a game of would you rather
There's more than two choices on the menu
And sometimes the answer isn't clear
Chapter 33: I Was An Innocent
Chapter Text
I was an innocent
Once upon a time
Now I am one with the dust and grime
I was an innocent
Once upon a ti i ime
Now I am one with the dust and gri ime
There was a ti i ime
When my hands were white
As freshly fallen sno o ow
O o oh
Now
My nails are caked with gore
I'm not innocent
Anymo o ore
I was an innocent
Once upon a time
Now I am one with the dust and grime
I was an innocent
Once upon a ti i ime
Now I am one with the dust and gri ime
Once
I was bathed in li i i i ight
Now
I hardly have the ri i i ight
To hide in the shadows
You see how that goes
Now
Every person I see
Won't meet my ey ey ey ey eye
And I cry y y y y
Tears of blood
Chapter 34: Broken like me
Chapter Text
They never bothered to get to know me
With all their biting words I turn the other cheek
I say it doesn't bother me
Silently pleading
I'm so very lonely
Somebody see me
I'm standing here alone
No one will answer the phone
I hope it's just broken
Because my pain goes unspoken
Are there others like me?
Broken like me
Drowning in a sea of sadness
Deeper in a pool of madness
Am I alone
Or is everybody happy?
Everyone but me
Chapter 35: Nothing and Everything
Chapter Text
This is a song I wrote
About pain and agony
And happiness, I hope
This is a song I'll sing
For no reason
About nothing and everything
Nothing and everything
This is a song I wrote
About pain and agony
And happiness, I hope
This is a song I'll sing
For no reason
About nothing and everything
Nothing and everything
This is how it goes
One day happy, the next I'm sad
This is how it goes
One day born and the next I'm dead
Guess I musta hit my head
This is a song I wrote
About pain and agony
And happiness, I hope
This is a song I'll sing
For no reason
About nothing and everything
Nothing and everything
Take a guess at how it goes
My brain got foggy and my vision went red
Ask me what I know
My answer is nothing
I'm on the ground dead
Laying on the ground dead
This is a song I wrote
About pain and agony
No happiness to note
This is the song they'll sing
For a reason
Not nothing, but everything
Not nothing, but everything
Chapter 36: Close your eyes
Chapter Text
Close your eyes, please.
Imagine looking in a mirror, what do you see?
Just pretend for me...
Your consciousness just...
Leaves.
Your body falls to the floor.
No self inside it, anymore.
Chapter 37: I'm Turning 20
Chapter Text
I'm turning 20
I am getting a little bit older now
I am waiting for the day when the gray invades my scalp
But until then
I'm working on my laugh lines
Let's try and have a good time
As the clock ticks by
Come on, let's dance and sing
Just forget everything
In favor of the here and now
If I was a dude, I'd grow a beard, now
Three feet long
Maybe get a cow
Endless milk for life
Yeah, that right
Twirl and sing
Good times forever
Dance all night, Mom'll have a cow
Everybody go wow
You know the ones who don't really know me
Say that it's kind of concerning
that every birthday I ask for a battle axe
Well, guess what, all of my family, and my friends, say that it tracks
Yeah that's facts
So let's just
Paint my pants to hide a stain
Run outside to dance in the rain
Blast some 80's music, now
Chop my hair off, mom will have a cow...
*Sorry, mom.*
I'm working on my laugh lines
Let's try and have a good time
As the clock ticks by
Come on, let's dance and sing
Just forget everything
In favor of the here and now
'Cause I'm turning 20
In my eyes, the last year of immaturity
I'm still young, running out of fun, so let's pack it in 'til I turn 21.
'Cause I'm turning 20
This is when the weirdos stop being funny
'Cause I'm turning 20
Chapter 38: Life Manhandles Me
Chapter Text
Life manhandles me
Tossed from side to side
I try to take it in stride
But if I say I'm fine, I lied
All I want is to be free
Life manhandles me
Chapter 39: Politics
Chapter Text
Vote for me, everybody
I'll set you free, everybody
I promise you'll like me
I promise I'll spill the tea
It's politics
Better vote, the clock goes tick
It's politics
Tick
Tick
Remember, it's those guys we don't like
I promise I'm much more sportsmanlike
Look, it's a pic of me on a bike
See, I'm just like you
All I say is true
'Cause it's politics
So vote for me, everybody
I'll set you free, everybody
I promise you'll like me
I swear I'm not lying
It's politics
They're the short end of the stick
It's politics
And I swear...
That guy, that isn't his real hair
That one is crude and he doesn't care
The other one's in league with the guys over there
Remember, they're everywhere
Vote for me, I'll protect you
It's politics
Not at all a marketing trick
To get you to vote for a prick
The rest are clearly lunatics
But not me
I'm perfect.
Chapter 40: Checklist For a Villain
Chapter Text
A little bit broken
A little bit crazy, little bit hurt
Someone to blame
Tends to be outspoken
Anger to proclaim
Checklist for a villain
Compared to a flame
No shame
Laughing, crying, surrounded by dying enemies, now
Checklist for a villain
All black outfit to kill in...
It doesn't take much for their anger to be woken
Somewhat broken
Checklist for a villain
Glowing red eyes
Penchant for sacrifice
Cackling
Harmonize with
Bloodcurling screams
Checklist for a villain
Once defeated, none could fill in...
Chapter 41: I ain't complaining
Chapter Text
Hey
I ain't complaining
My life is fine
I mean sure, it doesn't shine
But it could be worse
There's an ambulance in my driveway, but at least it ain't a hearse
Yeah, it could be worse
I may be alone and living in the basement, but at least I'm dealing with rent
Instead of displacement
Chapter 42: Mostly Broken
Chapter Text
Yeah, it's true.
You are just as hideous and worthless as you feel.
Keep feeling blue.
Yeah, come on and cry, cry, cry.
I would never tell a lie, lie, lie... to you.
So get down on the ground, or you'll go to the pound, just turn around, turn around now...
Mostly broken.
All the hurts unspoken.
Crush this child into dust.
Leave them in a cage 'til the bars rust.
'Til the bars rust.
So child, fall in line.
Everything's fine...
Chapter 43: I'm the Good Guy
Chapter Text
Turn, turn, turn around
Or I'll shove you right back to the ground
Don't you look at me
I never wanted this, can't you see?
I hate ignoring your desire to be free, but
Look, kid, I'm the good guy
I never meant to make you cry
It's just a coincidence
That whenever I get the chance
I never let you fly-y-y-y-y-y
I make you take a di-i-i-i-i-ive
None of this was ever a game
Not my fault, I won't take the blame
Turn around, or your life won't be the same
'Cause look, kid, I'm the good guy
I've always been there for you
Why would I li-i-i-i-i-ie
I'm the good guy
Lock you away
I'm the good guy
Force you to stay
I'm the good guy
Just keeping you safe
I'm the good guy
So, be grateful for the life I gave
Kid, I'm the good guy
And you're nothing but a stray.
Chapter 44: All Alone
Chapter Text
I sit alone
All alone
I'm alone here
Nothin' that I could do
Could ever replace you
Helplessly devoted
To someone that ain't here
I have been demoted
Tossed away by the puppeteer
I fear
I am alone here
And I swear
This doesn't feel fair
I'm kicked out of the house, now
Forced out on the street
Incomplete
Chapter 45: My Friend
Chapter Text
My friend
You are the one I go to when I am lost
When I cry from the cold
When my vision clouds with frost
When I want to be understood
You understand me
You make me feel like I'm free
Escaping to the countless worlds you're showing me
And I
I wanna give you more, somehow
Something equal to what you mean
What you mean to me
So I wrote this song
I hope it's not too long
My friend
You are all the hugs I've needed
You treat me the best that I've been treated
All my life
You erase my strife
You helped me find who I am
No longer feel like a sacrificial lamb
No longer fear for my life
You took away the ever-looming knife
My friend
You've always been there
Eternally grateful I can't get you outta my hair
My friend
Chapter 46: Mind Cage
Chapter Text
I can't hide from my mind
Searching for peace that I can't find
Broken and hurting
Memories disturbing
I'm stuck in a cage
The world is a stage
I'm acting like I'm happy
Pretending that I'm fine
I can't hide from my mind
And I'm running, running, running in circles
No escape
No escape for me
From my mind, I won't be free
And I'm running, running, running in one direction
Constant retrospection
I can't hide from my mind
Chapter 47: My Bubble
Chapter Text
My bubble goes
pop, pop, pop
As I learn all the sad things, all the bad things in the world
As all the hate I get the moment my flag unfurled
The second they saw me, every one of them hurled
So just stop, stop, stop it
and drop. drop, drop it everyone
Can't any of you see this isn't fun
Yeah, I'm done
'Cause I'm just
Being me
None of you seem to care, can't you see?
No matter how many times you decree
That it's he or she, it's all in the body
I disagree
My bubble goes
pop, pop, pop
The second I go outside
Chapter 48: Technicolor
Chapter Text
You say
You're up to date
Watchin' your technicolor
Yeah, well, I'd hardly rate
A life like that to celebrate
Look at all the stuff you miss
Eyes glued to that box of bliss
You know, it's kind of ironic
I wrote this song by going on it
It's in my hand or it's in my pocket
And in the end, it won't be in my casket...
Chapter 49: Dear Friend
Chapter Text
Hey, friend, how've you been?
When did I see you last?
I can't remember when
How did we drift apart?
It happened so fast
For someone who was so close to my heart
We sure drifted apart fast
Hey, friend, where've you been?
I've been asking after you
I miss that grin
I miss those movie nights
Those movie fights you'd let me win
I'd let you win if we tried again
I swear
I miss your hair
Even when it was lavender
Hey, friend, I'm still here
Please don't forget
'Cause I still remember
Chapter 50: I glide along the sea
Chapter Text
I glide along the sea.
Not sure exactly what I see.
This feels like a miracle.
An escape from all the monotony.
I surrounded myself with pictures of freedom.
But somehow, in seconds I'm actually free.
To glide along the sea.
Salt in the air.
Wind in my hair.
Chapter 51: Brokenhearted Wretch
Chapter Text
At this point, just throw it away
There really is no real reason to stay
Too much chance of heartbreak
I haven't smiled
In quite a while
It gets worse every day
Where once you beguiled
Now you've defiled
I have begun to decay
You said you loved me
Those words were my hanging tree
Now I wanna leave
What did that achieve
Other than a brokenhearted wretch
Chapter 52: Crumbling
Chapter Text
It's crumbling
Piece by piece, parts are fallin' to the ground
Never to be found
No longer functioning
On account of it's condition
We have got to decommission
Just put it in the ground
No fixes to be found
Chapter 53: Poor Folk
Chapter Text
The upper levels of society
It'll always be out of reach to me
Looking up from below
No one will bestow
A single ounce of pity
No one in this city
No one turns the other cheek
They all stare at me
As I wallow in mud
They're all out for blood
Chapter 54: Finally
Chapter Text
I dream of flying
Of fighting through this pain
I dream of all this crying getting turned into rain
Of safety in my reach, finally
I dream of sailing
Sailing on the seas
I dream of all my fears leaving in the breeze
Finally
Finally
I dream of freedom
Of laughing every day
I dream of feeling safe
Finally
Finally
Chapter 55: Stupid
Chapter Text
Stupid, stupid
That's how I feel
Unintelligent
Oh, this just don't feel real
I'm an idiot
For thinking life was good
'Cause life ain't good
Trudge through the dullery
Aching with insanity
I'm crazy
Yeah, I'm crazy
Scream into the air
The pain is everywhere
I'm stupid
Yeah, I'm so stupid
For thinking life was good
Moron
Imbecile
I never said a word of how I feel
I never really looked for somethin' real
Stupid
I'm so stupid
For thinking life was good
How could I think life was good?
Chapter 56: Don't Cry
Chapter Text
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Don't cry
Don't cry
Shh, I'm here, and I won't lie
There's always a chance that I'll say goodbye
But until I do, don't cry
Don't cry
Come on, my dear, keep those eyes dry
While I might leave, I swear I'll try
Try to stay nearby
Don't cry...
Chapter 57: Difficult
Chapter Text
Why is it so dang difficult ×3
To thrive
Rather than just survive?
I spent my whole life
Trying to claw myself to the top of the heap
Only for everyone else
To get to the top and make the leap
Years before me
Why is it so dang difficult ×3
To make it rather than just take it
Chapter 58: Insomnia
Chapter Text
I can't sleep
Layin' awake (×2)
I can't eat
Leavin' my plate(×2)
Petrified
Can't get these thoughts out my mind
Out my mind
If they can't see me, maybe they'll go away
Go away
Away
Chapter 59: I Feel Alone
Chapter Text
I I-I I-I
I wanna be free
I wanna be me
But nothing I do makes you see
I'm not a clone
I'm not just a face on your phone
Even I feel alone
I feel alone
Chapter 60: Fake the Happy
Chapter Text
Fake the exaltation
Lying through the celebration
Tell them all I'm oh, so, happy
If there is a world where I am happy, let me go there
A place devoid of judgemental stares
I
I close my eyes
Play pretend
Pretend I'm okay
When there's not a ray
A ray of hope
A ray of sunshine
In my day
Endless smiles get hard after a while
When there's never a reason to be happy
Laughing in the madness
Chuckle in the sadness, it might go away
Isn't that what they say?
Fake the happy
Fake it til you make it also applies to emotions
No such thing as depressed
Just fake the happy
Close your eyes
Smile
Fake the happy
Chapter 61: Lost
Chapter Text
Stupid sacks of flesh
Holes in all the wrong places
We all got the wrong faces
Nightmarish life
Gotta chop the hair off or grow it long
Everything's wrong
Go under the knife
Our consciousness is always under strife
Stuff our pants, stuff our bra
Just to be ourselves, we had to change the law
Our bodies feel like a flaw
Oh, we're lost
He's lost, she's lost, they're lost
We're all lost
We tried to fit in, but at what cost
We're all lost
Stupid sacks of flesh
Holes in all the wrong places
We all got the wrong faces
Nightmarish life
Gotta chop the hair off or grow it long
Everything's wrong
Go under the knife
Our consciousness is always under strife
Stuff our pants, stuff our bra
Just to be ourselves, we had to change the law
Our bodies feel like a flaw
And yet, they shame us
For feeling broken
For no longer being unspoken
For not wanting to be lost
Chapter 62: Brand New
Chapter Text
Scrape away the excess
Maybe start anew
Do something totally taboo
Just try to repress
Any thoughts ensued
Of unhappiness- don't wanna be blue
Whoaaa
Just ignore that 'woe is me' mentality
Oh nooo
No room for that kind of travesty
That kind of tragedy
Just be brand new
Chapter 63: Falling Apart
Chapter Text
Everything is falling apart, falling apart
Just at the start
The start of a new era, new era, new era
New definitions, new propositions
Everybody has new positions
Saying it's the future when we're falling behind
When I'm feeling crushed by all of mankind
Everything is starting to unwind
The world is breaking my heart, breaking my heart
Chapter 64: Keep Moving
Chapter Text
A million days, in a million ways, this is how we move.
Forward, backward, side to side, somewhat of a groove.
Dancing through the night, dancing out of spite, you know I'm right.
This world is broken.
Pain remains unspoken.
But we all move, keep to the groove, keeping in sight
Keep moving, keep moving
Chapter 65: Forthright
Chapter Text
Forthright, you go into the night.
Searching for the answers no one says they will be right.
Someday.
Someday you will find.
Something that will take you to that palace in your mind.
Frantic.
Frantically fighting your way.
Cannot stay
Chapter 66: Perfect
Chapter Text
Perfect.
Never been perfect, never been worth it.
I...
Eye for an eye.
I spy, I cry, I almost die,
All for one little lie.
Perfect.
Chapter 67: Hidden Pain
Chapter Text
Openly cackling, hiding my pain.
Desperate agony under the rain.
Faint dead away.
Can't find it in me to want to stay.
Been led astray.
Can't find it in me to try and pray the pain away.
Haven't seen a single ray of hope.
On the tearstained ground I lay.
Almost reaching for the rope.
Though I'm not quite there, yet.
With this hidden pain inside.
I may feel this desperate agony.
That I've tried to hide.
Openly cackling.
Wide smile on my face.
I swear to you, I'm still a part of this race.
Chapter 68: Imperfect
Chapter Text
Perfect.
I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying to be perfect.
I've never felt worth it.
Life is crushing me down.
I feel like any second I will drown...
Under the surface, I'm screaming your name
Please, anybody, take away my pain
Oh...
I'm sinking deeper into the dark
The knife is driven deeper into my heart
Oh...
This existence of mine doesn't feel like a life
Everything I do is overshadowed by strife
It's all I can do to survive
Oh...
Oh, someone
Please come save me
Do you hear me, *anybody?*
I'm trying to be perfect
Lift this burden
Please, I'm hurting, now!
Oh...
And I know
I'm imperfect, I'm trying too hard
But you know
With life as it is on this Earth, I'm just playing my part
Oh...
I feel ignored.
I'm not perfect.
But I feel like I have to be, now.
Chapter 69: Ace Romance
Summary:
Thought Chapter 69 was PERFECT for this one...
Sorry. Couldn't help it.
Chapter Text
Whoa o o o
Oh oh
Oo oo oo oo
Oo oo oo oo
You know
I had a pretty cool thought
Yesterday
What if
Somebody wrote a romance
But it's Ace
No kissing or dirty scenes
Yeah, that feels safe
That feels safe
Maybe
Something like that won't be so strange
Won't be strange
It'll be like
Two best buds but they love each other
Lots of hugs, but doesn't go further
And that's okay
Yeah, that's okay
Reading books by the firelight
Snuggled up on an ice cold night
They feel at home in each other's arms
But that's as close as they're gonna get
They still spoon at night
All warm and cuddly pressed together
And they love each other
But that doesn't mean they have to go further
What they have is enough
Being Ace is enough
At least, that's how the story would go
Chapter 70: Hiding
Chapter Text
Hiding.
Any moment, any second, I'll be running away, riding.
Riding though the night.
Of me, they'll never see a sight.
I'm just surviving.
Leaving all the pain behind.
I think I'm going out of my mind...
This depression, it'd been bringing me down, nothing I could do seemed to turn it around.
Every single day, I was hiding away, hiding away.
Every bad memory in my head got me sinking lower and lower in bed.
Every single day, I was hiding away, hiding away.
So I tried to run.
Tried to run away.
Couldn't bear to stay
In this town.
Couldn't keep much but a frown.
Had to run away.
Hiding.
Any moment, any second, I'll be running away, riding.
Riding though the night.
Of me, they'll never see a sight.
I'm just surviving.
Leaving all the pain behind.
I think I'm going out of my mind.
Thought I was alone.
So alone and afraid
Chapter 71: Let Go of my Hand
Chapter Text
Alone, forever alone, forever akin to stone, aching inside and pretending to be fine...
Well, this time you're out of line, mother of mine...
'Cause I'm not fine...
Alone, forever alone, forever I'm laying here prone, I'm on my side and pretending to be fine...
Well, I'm not fine...
Every day you tend to say you love me...
While you look at me like something you scraped off your shoe...
What did I do?
Every night we tend to fight about something new...
Oh, what did I do?
Standing here in the rain.
Filled with nothing but pain.
Sometimes I wish I would be slain where I stand.
Come on, mother, let go of my hand
Chapter 72: Tick Tock
Chapter Text
Green grass spilling on the block, now I'm on the clock, on the clock.
Big boats pulling up at the dock, we're all on the clock, on the clock.
These days, it's night, at night we fight, fight into the light, the light knocks.
Everyone is on the clock.
Tick tock, tick tick.
Move move, we are on the groove, come on, let's move, let's move!
Chapter 73: Skin
Chapter Text
Itching at my skin
Trying to peel away the surface to find what's within
Is it a sin
Or am I just playing a tiny violin
A cry for help
or looking for attention
I can never win
Getting rather thin
Pasting on a grin
Come on, dear, do a spin
Chapter 74: Help Me
Chapter Text
He-e-e-e-e-elp me
Won't you please
He-e-e-e-e-elp me?
I think I'm gonna lose my mind
I'm looking for
Shattered pieces that I hope I'll find
Washed up on the shore
I'm going in blind
I'm going in blind
I am a catastrophe
Look at me
I'm broken
Drowning in a sea
Of debri
Pain unspoken
He-e-e-e-e-elp me
Won't you please
He-e-e-e-e-elp me?
I'm beginning to lose my mind
Been looking for
Shattered pieces I can't seem to find
Washed up on the shore
I go in blind
I go in blind
I am a catastrophe
Look at me
I'm broken
Drowning in a sea
Of debri
Pain unspoken
I think I just lost my mind
Was looking for
Shattered pieces that I'll never find
Washed up on the shore
I went in blind
I went in blind
You can't really
He-e-e-e-e-elp me
Far too late to
He-e-e-e-e-elp me
He-e-e-e-e-elp me
He-e-e-e-e-elp me
Chapter 75: Listen to me now
Chapter Text
Hey
Let's have a conversation
This is important and I'm begging you to listen
Look at me now
Acknowledge all the work I'm doing as I figure out how
Look at me now
Look at all the sweat that's pouring down my brow
Hey, look at me now
Please
Can't you see
How much I've been growing
I know you think that I am throwing
my life away
I know you want me to stay
But please
Let me breathe
For once, give me a chance to spread my wings
Chapter 76: Running Away
Chapter Text
Huddled in the corner
Hiding in the backseat
Crying in the bathroom
Calling me a taxi
All my life, I've been running away
No reason to stay, running away
Never had time for the games they played
Running away, running away
Never once did I wish I'd stayed
Running away, running away
And I'm running, running, running, running
Never coming back, never coming back, no
Running, running, running, running
Running away, running away
Chapter 77: Riled up
Chapter Text
I've got to fight for the right for a little bit of freedom here and there
And I've dealt with arguments where I'm pulling out my hair
And there's days where I wish I was anywhere but here
I swear
I'll run away, hide away
There's nothing you can do to make me stay
There's nowhere
Nowhere you could send me that I could hate, hate more than this
Some days
It's all I can do to not start screaming
One day
All these screams will sound like singing
If my life goes in the direction it has been
All these years
I have to fight for the right for a little bit of freedom here and there
And I deal with arguments where I'm pulling out my hair
And there's days where I wish I was anywhere but here
I swear
So don't ask me why I quit answering my phone
Don't ask me why I never want to come back home
'Cause my hair is never long enough for you
My voice is never calm enough, it's true
Everything I wear is far too wild
Nothing I put in my mind is fit for a child
Every time I talk to you I get too riled
Get too riled up
Chapter 78: Voices
Chapter Text
Voices in my head
Voices from the past
Everything I see is never gonna last
They all tell me
I'm too crazy
Sad to say, but it's true
Not to worry, I'm sure they'll all disappear, too
Chapter 79: Yesterday
Chapter Text
Yesterday
I was hoping for something better than the day before
Well, no more
Because, guess what?
Today was so much worse
Almost hoping I get picked up by a hearse
Stuck in a rut
Yeah, today is so much worse than yesterday
I thought it was bad
Thought I was so sad
Well, I guess it was just a test
'Cause today I'm depressed
Longing for yesterday
Chapter 80: Fortress
Chapter Text
Fortress
I built me a castle in the night
A place I go despite
The loneliness inside
Fortress
Walls looming in the sky
I suppose I can't deny
I only come here to cry
Fortress
Chapter 81: You know what they say
Summary:
This is about how you can't fight love, even if the person you love is bad for you.
Chapter Text
You know what they say
You know what they say
Love doesn't discriminate
Between the sinners and the saints, oh
Love doesn't discriminate
Between the sinners and the saints, so
You might not get what you want
You might not get what you need
You might not get what you want
You'll just have to proceed
You'll just have to proceed
Cause you know what they say
You know what they say
You know what they say
Chapter 82: Gifted
Summary:
This is based on the first time I was ever told I was actually intelligent by my teachers, in second grade, after years of being put down by foster parents and told I was stupid.
Chapter Text
I was never one of those people
Who thought of themselves as better than the rest.
Is this some kinda test?
Granted, I never had any trouble academically.
Never thought of myself as the smart kid.
Now you're saying I am gifted?
What's the catch, here?
It's gotta be a scam!
You're saying I am gifted, like some kinda prodigy, look at me, are you sure?
Chapter 83: Picture in a Pulpit
Chapter Text
Picture in a pulpit, begging for forgiveness.
Fortunes told and fortunes lost, faces now encased in frost.
Picture in a pulpit, no more happiness.
Stay, stay with me, you wraith of a mother.
I plead, don't leave me, but you go with another.
Picture in a pulpit, lost in the wilderness.
Fortunes won despite the cost, into the fire you're tossed.
Chapter 84: Magnificent Fragility
Summary:
Hopelessness and depression
Chapter Text
Magnificent fragility.
Any moment, it shatters, nothing matters, you shall see.
Incredible delicacy.
Melting with the first touch of the sea.
Nothing matters, everything shatters, you and me.
Crumbling.
Crumbling, quaking, everything's shaking, nothing you're making lasts past this undertaking.
Magnificent fragility.
Any moment it shatters, nothing matters, you shall see.
Not even me.
Chapter 85: Something, Somewhere
Summary:
Running from home and being pursued.
Chapter Text
Something, somewhere
Oh, it'll find you
It won't even try
Someday, somehow
Just not quite now
It'll find you, oh
It'll find you...
Catch you in a lie
Catch you in a lie, lie, lie
Look you in the eye, eye, eye
And say
Goodbye...
Something, somewhere
Oh, it'll find you
It won't even try
Someday, somehow
Just not quite now
It'll find you, oh
It'll find you...
Stop you in your tracks
Give you all the facts
Like,
You're stuck, now
And
I've got you
Listen to this lullaby...
I know you say you're fine...
But you're reciting a line...