Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Whose fucking bright idea was it to drive four hours outside the city in the middle of march?

Not Buck’s.

After pulling two double shifts this week, Buck was looking forward to spending his seventy-two off in and doing nothing but eat takeout, watch tv and sleep. But his boyfriend had other plans.

“Come on, Evan… It’ll be fun! Spending a night outside, becoming one with nature… it’ll be good for you. For us.” Tommy had practically begged despite Buck's clear lack of enthusiasm for camping.

Why would you go somewhere where there’s no plumbing or AC, and you can’t even order Doordash. What’s the fucking point? And Tommy should know better. They get calls from campers getting hurt in the woods all the damn time and it seems like each caller manages to invent a new way to get injured.

“Please? I promise I’ll protect you from the bears.”

Buck had rolled his eyes. They’re far more likely to be killed by a bee than by a bear but Buck didn’t tell him that. Tommy always makes fun of him when he blurts out one of his random facts. God, he misses Chris. He wouldn’t mind going camping with Chris and Eddie. It would’ve been a great opportunity to…

An idea struck him.

“Fine. but I’m inviting Eddie.”

Buck almost felt bad for how much he enjoyed the way Tommy's face fell. Almost.

“Evan… come on, I want us to spend some quality time together. Alone.” he said as he dragged his thumb along Buck’s neck, leaving no doubts about his intentions with this escapate. Oh, Buck was aware. And he was not a fan.

Their sex was fine. Sometimes even better than fine, when Tommy stopped being a self-centered dick and let Buck experiment a little. But all their sex so far had taken place in a bed. Clean, warm, and bug free.

“I thought you liked Eddie,” Buck countered, arching his brow up. “Plus, he has the most suitable vehicle for camping between the three of us. We need him.”

Tommy had eventually agreed, albeit begrudgingly, after trying to convince Buck that the Jeep was ‘probably fine’, and ‘Eddie probably doesn’t like camping,’ or that ‘he probably has a date planned for the weekend’.

All of which Buck knew to be untrue. The Jeep is not fine. She’s old and had just left buck with a two-thousand-dollar bill at the shop last month. Eddie likes camping. It’s actually one of the few things he did with his dad growing up. Most of his fond memories of Ramon are from their camping trips. And he definitely doesn’t have a date. Buck would know.

And that’s how Buck has ended up sitting in the backseat of Eddie's truck, sullenly watching him chattering away with Tommy since they took off two hours ago. He can barely understand what they’re saying, like they’re speaking a language Buck doesn’t speak, discussing Muay Thai techniques and raving about a fight they both watched last week (not live and certainly not together).

They’d left around ten in the morning. Buck simply refused to wake up any earlier than nine for a trip he didn’t even want to go on in the first place. At least Tommy had made him breakfast and prepared almost everything before Buck woke up. All they had to do was load the stuff up into Eddie’s truck and they were good to go.

Eddie had shown up nine forty-five sharp with a few extra supplies of his own.

“You own a tent?” Buck had asked with wide eyes seeing the compact bag of a camping tent already loaded in the back of Eddie’s truck.

“Yeah. Bought it last year to do this with Chris at some point but uh… never got around to doing it.”

Buck could tell Eddie was struggling. He had been since Chris left two months ago.

“Hey, come on now! You will! He’s gonna come back and you’re gonna go camping many many times and make tons of great memories,” Buck reassured him, pushing down at the faint voice at the back of his head saying he wouldn’t mind joining them too.

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

With the two of them talking over the radio and Buck having forgotten his earbuds, he’s left staring at the road outside, watching trees and cars pass by in a blink. Occasionally he catches Eddie’s eyes in the rear view staring at him while Tommy is going on and on about this basketball game Buck couldn’t care less about. He looks away, staring at the road ahead when Buck catches him and continues chatting away with Tommy so it becomes almost like a game to Buck. Trying to catch Eddie staring at him. And that’s when he notices.

Eddie’s smiles aren’t reaching his eyes when he laughs at Tommy’s jokes or cheers for him as he tells him about this insane call they had the other week. It’s subtle, a mask he’s been perfecting for years. Decades, even. Buck is pretty sure he’s the only one who sees through it. Maybe Carla, too.

It’s the way his smile doesn’t quite reach his left eye, making it twitch ever so slightly. He’s pretending to enjoy doing this too, whatever this is. Maybe he’s as fed up with Tommy’s non-stop blabbering about himself as Buck is.

Feeling guilty for having dragged Eddie into this, Buck makes more of an effort to engage in their conversations. He rambles about this new recipe he and Cap have been experimenting with, then he tells Eddie the story of how he almost burned his kitchen down baking protein cookies last week because he forgot to set a timer and fell asleep watching The Bachelor. And just to annoy Tommy a little more, he goes on a rant about this endangered species of penguins he saw a documentary about while he was covering for that guy from the B shift the other day.

Eddie’s smile becomes easier and his eyes go a bit softer as he listens to Buck rambles. His laugh is warm and familiar, and his comments, although teasing, are never mocking. Never condescending. If Buck notices Tommy’s brows furrowing he doesn’t care to acknowledge it. He’d talked Eddie's ears off for half the ride. It’s only fair that Buck gets the second half.

…

“We’re here!” Eddie finally announces as he puts the truck in park. Tommy hollers like a fucking cheerleader and fist bumps Eddie before jumping out of his seat.

Really? What are you? Fourteen? Buck thinks. Actually, scratch that. Chris is fourteen and he’s more mature than this man is sometimes. He grits his teeth, feeling a bit guilty for feeling so hostile towards his boyfriend. It’s not fair to him.

Buck finally gets out and starts helping unload their stuff because he’s not a complete asshole. The spot Tommy has picked is actually pretty nice, if you’re into this sort of thing. It’s just one night, Buck tells himself. One night of freezing cold and crawling bugs and howling coyotes and then Buck can go home and sleep in his own bed for the next two nights until his next shift.

“Beer?” Eddie calls, holding a cold bottle out towards him, fresh out of the cooler and already opened.

Buck takes it graciously with a smile that’s probably too wide. “Thanks.”

“Hey, you okay? You seemed a bit… out of it on the road,” Eddie asks, ignoring the way Tommy is clearly struggling to put up his tent fifty feet away from them.

Buck grins against the lip of his bottle. “Is that why you were staring at me the whole time instead of focusing on the road?”

“I wasn’t staring.” He rolls his eyes. “Don’t dodge the question.”

“It’s nothing,” Buck sighs. “I’m just… not really up for whatever this is.”

“Camping?”

“Yeah. I don’t get the appeal,” he shrugs, almost feeling bad for how badly Tommy is struggling. It’s not like he asked for help and they refused.

Eddie arches a brow and gets that look in his eyes that Buck knows all too well. The knowing look that’s laser focused on Buck’s reaction, making it impossible for him to lie. Not that Buck makes a habit of lying to Eddie. “Buck, If you hate camping so much then why did you agree to do it?”

“I didn’t.”

“We didn’t exactly tie you up and dump you into the truck.” Eddie quips. “You got into it all on your own.”

Something twists at the pit of Buck’s stomach at the sound of that. Being tied up and manhandled by Eddie— What the fuck?

“Tommy wasn’t taking no for an answer.” Buck drops casually, not realizing how it might sound.

Eddie’s head snaps towards him.

“Buck,” he says his name almost cautiously. “He forces you to do things? Does he—”

Buck nearly chokes on the last gulp of his beer. “Eddie! Jesus… no, not like that.”

“Then how?” Eddie presses, coming to stand in front of buck, blocking his very entertaining view of Tommy nearly face planting in the dirt. He stands closer than he usually would, arms crossed against his broad chest, almost like he’s trying to shield buck from his boyfriend. He’s putting on his ‘serious dad’ face. It’s what Chris always called it.

“I don’t know…” Buck tries to shrug it off, waving his hands in the air. “Sometimes he can be a bit pushy I guess.”

Eddie’s frown deepens at that, a fire igniting in those warm brown eyes. Buck feels heat rising up in his cheeks but chooses to blame it on the harsh afternoon sun.

“Buck, you know you can say no, right? No. End of sentence.”

Warmth spreads from Buck’s cheeks to his chest, his heart feeling heavier with something thick and sweet, like warm honey.

“Yeah… of course… I–”

“Hello? I need a hand over here!” Tommy shouts from the side, popping the bobble he and Eddie had locked themselves in.

“Coming!” Buck calls back, ignoring his burning hot cheeks as he jogs past Eddie to go to his boyfriend’s rescue.

..

Tommy’s tent is broken.

“Damn it!” Tommy curses, throwing the broken pole to the ground.

“Where were you keeping it? It must’ve come in contact with moisture somehow,” Buck says as he inspects the damage. Just pointing out the obvious really. The thing was rusted. Either it was real shit quality or it was stored incorrectly.

“So it’s my fault?” Tommy snarls, crossing his arms across his chest.

“That’s not what I meant…”

“You must be happy now.”

“Why would I be happy? We have nowhere to sleep!”

“Guys!” Eddie’s voice cuts through the two of them shouting at each other like hot knife through butter. “Let's all take a breather for a second.”

Buck’s mouth closes on demand and Tommy, while it seems like he wants to argue, does the same.

“Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do.” Eddie claps his hands in front of him, trying to take control of the situation. “We set up my tent for you two and I’ll sleep in the truck.”

Buck’s shoulders sag a little, like he was kind of hoping to just go back home.

“No, Eddie, we can’t ask you to do that,” he pouts, his cheeks flushing just a hint of pink.

“You’re not asking. I’m offering. Insisting, even.”

“Is it even big enough for two large men?” Tommy asks, one hand on his hip. Eddie has half a mind to tell him to go sleep in a cave.

Instead, Eddie smiles through gritted teeth. This is for Buck, not for him. “It’s a three-person tent. It has plenty of space for the two of you.”

“But, Eddie–” Buck tries to argue.

“It’s fine, Buck. I brought the backseat air mattress just in case. I’ll probably be more comfortable than you will be, to be honest,” Eddie reassures with a soft smile, watching as Buck plays with the hem of his jacket nervously.

“If you’re sure…”

Rolling his eyes, Eddie grabs the bag containing his brand new tent. “I am. You two set up the chairs and relax. I got this.”

He doesn’t mention that he’s assembled this tent in his backyard a couple of times to make sure it was suitable for Chris and him to stay in and to make sure he knew how to do it and not embarrass himself in front of his teenage son. Now he was setting it up for Buck and his boyfriend to sleep in. That’s one way to christen it, Eddie thinks.

The rest of the evening is more pleasant than how it started. They set up their foldable chairs around the campfire Eddie so skillfully sets and lights up. He gave the two of them clear instructions on which branches to pick and gather and to his shock, Tommy didn’t throw a fit about it.

“See? This isn’t so bad,” Tommy teases, jabbing at Buck’s flank as they eat their fire-roasted hotdogs.

Buck lets out a forced chuckle. It’s so clear that he’s not even remotely enjoying any of this. Sure, it’s not horrible. The weather is relatively nice and nothing has crawled up their legs yet, but the hotdog is mediocre at best. Almost burnt on the outside and raw on the inside. The foldable chairs are uncomfortable and the cellular reception is horrible. They can’t even watch Tiktoks here. But Buck doesn't mention any of it even though it’s all written on his face if you’re fluent in Buck’s face and body language. Not when he knows it’ll just turn into a pointless argument. Not in front of Eddie, anyway.

“Sure,” he says before taking a bite off his dry hot dog. Tommy forgot to pack ketchup.

“I guess it’s Buck’s turn to choose the adventure next, right?” Eddie asks, looking between the two of them.

Tommy gives him a puzzled look. “How so?”

Eddie watches him in silence for a beat too long and Buck can read that face like an open book.

“Well, you picked an activity out of Buck’s comfort zone and he agreed to it, so now it’s his turn to pick something you wouldn’t normally want to do.”

“Oh!” Buck lights up like a Christmas tree. “We can go see that musical I told you about! I can probably get us tickets for–” he already has his phone out to text a guy who owes him a favor and could get them tickets but Tommy’s dry, mirthless laugh stopped him mid-scroll through his contacts.

“I’m not going to a stupid musical, Evan.”

Seeing Buck’s face crumble makes Eddie want to knock Tommy’s teeth in his mouth and watch him choke on them. Buck has never been good at hiding his feelings. He may as well have a neon sign over his head flashing out every thought and emotion he goes through in real time, and Eddie sees his heart cracking right then.

“Wh- why not?” Buck stutters, blinking fast, and leaning forward on his chair.

“Because musicals are dumb.” he snorts, ignoring the scathing look Eddie shoots at him.

Eddie really shouldn’t get involved. It’s not his business, and Buck is a grown man who can stand up for himself, but god he wishes he could wipe that mocking smirk off Tommy’s mouth.

He also can’t mention the fact that he’s already booked two tickets for that same production and was planning to give it to Buck for his birthday in a couple of weeks. The plan was to give both tickets to Buck so he could go with whoever he wants, which Eddie had assumed would be his boyfriend, but now, Eddie’s not sure what to do.

One thing has become strikingly clear to Eddie, and it’s that Buck deserves better.

“Fine,” Buck says flatly and deflates back into his chair.

Red hot rage fills Eddie’s chest. Buck should’ve fought back. He should’ve shouted and told Tommy to go fuck himself and that his face is stupid. Tommy would deserve every word and more, but Buck says nothing. He grabs another beer and curls in on himself with his phone in his hand.

Eddie clenches his jaw and chews on his lip as he watches Buck’s distant eyes staring at his phone. It’s his defense mechanism, trying to avoid conflict at the expense of his own comfort and boundaries. The weight of his past relationships weigh heavy on his shoulders, the fear of being the problem for them all not working. So he overcompensates. Makes himself smaller. Less bubbly and enthusiastic with his random facts. Less open about his “unconventional” interests and hobbies. Less eager to jump at an opportunity to try something new.

Less Buck.

“Hey Eddie, did I tell you about the guy who tied himself to a cliff?”

It’s an effort to tear his eyes off a closed off Buck when all he wants to do is pull him aside and talk to him. But Eddie resists and turns to face Tommy, forcing a smile and bracing himself for another story about him and his equally obnoxious pilot buddies.

They end up playing headbands half-drunk after wrapping up their dinner and the tension eases up a bit. Buck’s belly laugh when Eddie was trying to guess ‘Pussy Galore’ fills the air and the tight ropes squeezing around Eddie’s heart loosen up a little. For Eddie, making Buck smile has always been the easiest thing in the world, as easy as breathing. And seeing the hurt in Buck’s eyes every time Tommy rejects him felt like a knife being twisted in Eddie’s throat.

Each time Tommy mocks him for something Buck loves it cuts and bleeds. Eddie could see Buck trying to hide them, put a band-aid on them and try to laugh it off. How long can he hide his cuts until he goes cold and pale? Eddie’s not going to wait to find out.

Not when it’s so easy to let Buck be Buck, a boy made out of love and pure sunshine. A man with a heart bigger than his big curly head. A firefighter just as brave as soldiers in the front lines, if not braver. A caretaker who gives one hundred percent and then some. A guy who loves so intensely he’d jump into a tsunami for a kid that’s not even his own, takes his mask off in a collapsing building for a scared puppy, and rolls under a fire truck to pull a bleeding Eddie to safety.

Eddie is not going to let Tommy fucking Kinard bleed Buck dry.

“We should probably hit our sleeping bags. Evan, you coming?”

Buck looks up from Eddie’s phone, still smiling looking at the photo Eddie had taken while Buck was trying to guess his last word. He had gone cross-eyed trying to peek at it, pulling at his hair in frustration, and Eddie couldn’t help himself. It was too adorable. He’ll send it to Chris as soon as they have better cell connection.

“I uh… You go ahead. I’m gonna finish my beer and take a short walk before bed.”

“Okay. don’t stay up too late, we gotta wake up early to go hiking unless you wanna sweat down to your ass cheeks.”

Buck lets out a dry laugh. “I won’t. Goodnight.”

“Night. See you in the morning, Diaz,” he mumbles, waving as he staggers toward Eddie’s tent. What a light weight. Eddie hopes he’s hungover tomorrow. He hopes it kills him.

God can keep his salvation. Eddie’s going to hell anyway.

“Night,” Eddie calls behind him before mumbling the rest under his breath. “Asshole.”

Buck lets out what can only be described as a snorting giggle.

They sit in silence for a few minutes. Buck is seemingly in no hurry to finish his beer, It has to be tepid now anyway.

It’s Eddie who finally breaks the silence. “You’re not actually going for a walk in the woods, right?”

Buck snorts. “You kidding? ‘Course I’m not. I’ve seen this movie before.”

They both laugh at Buck’s lame joke, Eddie’s eyes never leaving Buck’s face. The cut of his jawline. The short stubble and long blond lashes. The dark pink of his lips that match his strawberry birthmark.

It’s not the first time Eddie is noticing them. No, he always noticed.

Eddie noticed when Buck, tall and arrogant, walked up to him and told him ‘you’re my problem’ the second shift they had together. He noticed when Buck dropped him and Christopher off back to Eddie’s house after the earthquake, his hands steady on the steering wheel while Eddie’s were still shaking even after holding his son in his arms for a solid five minutes. He noticed every time Buck slept over, walking over to the kitchen in the morning rubbing his sleepy eyes, his curls untamed and his voice raspier than usual.

Eddie noticed. He just never so much as allowed himself to consider that it might mean something.

“Need a hand setting up the air mattress?” Buck asks, finally putting down the mostly empty beer bottle.

He doesn’t. Not really. The thing has a built-in pump. “Sure.”

They walk to the truck side by side, Buck swaying left and right as he does when he walks, hands buried in his pockets, shoulders tense.

Eddie grabs the air mattress from the backseat storage, and starts unfolding it.

“Where’s your pump?” Buck asks naively.

“It’s right here,” Eddie replies as he pulls the cord and plugs it in.

“Dude! It has a built-in? You really splurged…” Buck teases. Eddie opens the driver’s door to start the car.

“Yeah. It was backup in case Chris didn’t like the tent or it was too cold.” he tries not to sound too self-deprecating. He’s pathetic.

“Well, tonight you get to really test it. Make sure it’s nice and comfy for my Chris.”

Warmth explodes in Eddie’s chest. My Chris.

His Buck.

He’s been an idiot for so long. How could he not see it all these years when it was right in front of him.

Buck was right in front of him.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” he sighs, burying his hands in his jacket’s pockets, fiddling with the loose threads in there.

“So you didn’t even really need my help,” Buck snickers, it’s teasing but light hearted. Just like Buck.

“No, but I needed to keep an eye on you in case you went wandering in the woods trying to talk to a squirrel or something,” Eddie retorts.

Buck cackles. “What? Like a Disney princess?”

“More like Kronk.”

The corner of Buck’s lips pull into a smirk. “So you think I’m a himbo too?”

“Kronk is a himbo?” Eddie pauses for a beat. Too? “Wait, who else called you a himbo?”

“Oh, did I never tell you this story?” Buck makes a good show of acting like he had just conveniently forgotten to tell this ‘story’ to Eddie, except that Eddie knows him too well. If he didn’t tell Eddie until it was brought up by accident, he must've had a reason.

Eddie crosses his arms and leans against the car. The mattress is halfway inflated already.

“So turns out Tommy is the guy Abby was engaged with for two years until he finally accepted that he’s gay and broke it off, but he didn’t know Abby and I dated so as he was telling me this he said something like ‘after I broke things off with her she went nuts and dated a himbo half her age’.”

“And that’s… you?” Eddie asks for clarification. This is… a lot. Abby and Tommy?

“Yup. I was the himbo in question,” Buck says with a chuckle, his head hanging low in an effort to hide the look on his face — hurt, if Eddie had to guess.

“Did you tell him?” Eddie asks, still trying to process it all.

“Uh, yeah.”

“And?” Eddie moves his hand in a circular motion. “Did he apologize for saying that?”

Buck’s mouth twists, his brows shooting up like he’s trying to recall something but Eddie knows Buck can’t erase that memory even if he tries.

“Not really. Just. ‘Awkward’.” Buck air-quotes.

Still struggling to wrap his head around this new piece of lore Buck just dropped on him, Eddie asks, “And when was this?”

“Last week.” 

Eddie turns the engine off and unplugs the pump’s cord before shutting the driver’s door off and turning to face Buck again. He starts to pace, rubbing his hands up and down his face, trying to find the right words.

“Eddie? You okay?” Buck’s voice sounds muffled to Eddie’s ears.

He stops, blinking away the fog filling up his vision. Or maybe it’s his brain. “No.”

Buck takes a careful step towards him. “Wh- what’s wrong?”

Eddie sighs out, running his fingers into his hair, not caring about messing it up any more than he’s worried about messing his relationship with Buck forever.

“You remember the night you told me you were bi?”

Buck chews on his lip. “Yeah, of course.”

Eddie looks up, their gazes locking under the dim light camping site. “I was wrong. What I said to you that night.”

“Eddie, what… what do you mean?” Buck stutters, crystal blue eyes flickering between Eddie’s. “Which part?”

“All of it.”

Before Buck can react or question it, Eddie has him pinned to the side of the truck, their bodies completely concealed from the campsite behind the vehicle. His arms frame Buck’s head, bodies pressed together, hips to chest. Buck is panting, hard, his eyes wide and pupils blown black.

“E- Eddie,” he breathes, dark eyes dropping to Eddie’s lips and it’s the only sign Eddie needs to close the distance and capture those dark pink lips between his chapped ones.

Hot flame leaps from Eddie’s chest, the barbed wire he’d wrapped tightly around his wounded heart burning up like flash paper. Gone without a trace. Buck kisses him back and Eddie’s heart feels like it’s beating right for the first time since the tsunami. It starts out chaste and innocent, just a gentle press of his plush lips against Eddie’s. A little scared. A little hesitant. Until it’s not.

Buck lets out a sigh, low and audible as it ripples through his chest and comes out like a muffled moan. Eddie drinks it up from lips like a man starving, hands looping behind Buck’s neck to bring him even closer.

The world around them fades into liquid black, the sounds around them muffling into white noise between their heavy, labored breaths. Buck’s hands wrap around Eddie’s waist, clinging onto the back of his leather jacket like a lifeline.

It’s not enough. Eddie can’t get enough of him. Can’t get close enough. His clothes chafe like sandpaper against his molten skin. His body is trying to burn through the clothes to reach Buck’s, until no layers remain between them.

“Buck,” he gasps, using the half a second break to call Buck’s name instead of inhaling some air. The burning in his chest won’t subside with air. Only Buck. Always Buck.

The taste of beer and hot dog gets lost behind the sweet taste that’s just Buck’s lips. He opens up for Eddie so sweetly, jaw slack and eyes closed as Eddie licks into his mouth with a mission to memorize every inch. Eddie’s nails rake at Buck’s scalp, those dirty blond curls feeling just as soft as he’d always imagined between his fingers.

A shiver runs down Buck’s body, his hips arching up to meet Eddie’s in a delicious press of painful, clothed erections. Eddie bites at Buck’s trembling bottom lip as he whimpers, his dick hard and twitching, rutting against Eddie’s hip.

“EddieEddieEddie…” Buck gasps, his fingers finding their way under Eddie’s shirt, digging into Eddie’s flanks.

Eddie pulls back just a few inches, tilting his head and taking in the sight of Buck’s flushing red face. His half lidded eyes follow Eddie’s lips as he bites them. Drawn in like a moth to a flame,

“Fuck, Buck…” Eddie curses, pulling at the curls at the back of Buck’s neck to give himself access to the man’s neck before burying his face in there. He breathes in the scent of Buck’s day-old cologne mixed with sweat and sunlight, and underneath it all it’s just Buck, plain and raw.

It doesn’t even occur to Eddie to be embarrassed at the sound he makes at the taste of Buck against his tongue. He had dreamt about this more time than he could count, tasting Buck, feeling his skin under his tongue. Sometimes in the shower at the station as they were rinsing the soot and dust off their hair and skin after a rough call, when Eddie was so exhausted but still high on adrenaline it felt like he could run all the way to El Paso, he’d watch Buck standing under the hot spray of water and pine. Yearning to reach out and run his fingers into Buck’s wet curls and drag his tongue along the long lines of neck, soot and all.

“Eddie… Tell me… please,” Buck whimpers, his nails clawing at Eddie’s lower back. “You said— fuck, you said you were wrong. Tell me.”

Eddie hums against the wet skin of his neck where he’d been abusing with his teeth and tongue. He seals the blooming purple mark with a kiss before pulling back to look at Buck. Drunk on the taste of Buck’s lips and skin, Eddie wishes he could drown himself in it.

“Hm… where do I start?” Eddie mumbles, cupping Buck’s face in his palms and rubbing the swell of Buck’s lips with his thumb. God, Buck has the most kissable lips. Focus, Eddie slaps himself mentally. “I don’t like him. God… I think I hate his guts, actually.”

Buck lets out a chuckle, deep and throaty, his thumbs rubbing circle on the sharp of Eddie’s hip bones under his shirt. “What else?”

“He’s an idiot. The biggest moron on the planet!” Eddie half shouts, not really caring about his voice reaching the subject of their conversation. They’re too far from the tent anyway. probably.

“Why’s that?” Buck asks, panting like he’s run a marathon.

“Because, Buck, he never got to know you. He got you— had you, and instead of falling in love with you like we all did, he fucking… FUCK!” He shouts half-silently, dropping his hands from Buck’s face to fist at Buck’s shirt. “He treats you like shit, Buck. He doesn’t respect you and your boundaries. He just parades you around wherever he pleases like you’re some token trophy he’s won. He doesn’t even see you! He calls you Evan, for fuck’s sake”

The corner of Buck’s lips curl into a cheeky smile. “Like we all did?” He repeats that part because of course that's all Buck took away out of everything Eddie word-vomited.

“Like I did.” Eddie blurts out before his brain can catch up and possibly stop him from making a fool of himself.

But Eddie is the fool. He let Buck slip away right through his fingers, handed him over to Tommy on a silver platter.

Eddie is a fool no more.

With his next breath Eddie pulls Buck back in for another kiss that consumes them both like wildfire. It’s hot, messy and urgent. Their teeth clatter against each other, their lips raw and bruised from the friction but neither of them cares.

Eddie’s hips roll against Buck’s, making them both moan into the kiss. Buck is clawing at the front of his shirt so hard Eddie thinks he might tear it up. Like Eddie would mind that. Eddie would break his own ribcage open for Buck if he asked.

There's a single moment of clarity where Eddie thinks maybe they should stop, or slow down at least. He’s not sure if he can do either, but for Buck’s sake he rips himself away to look Buck in the eyes when he rasps, “Tell me to stop.”

“Don’t stop.” Buck pants, pulling him back in, rolling them over until Eddie’s the one pressed between Buck’s body and his car. “Don’t you fucking dare stop, Eddie.”

Heat bubbles inside Eddie like molten lava, a poisonous concoction of love, lust and guilt that’s been piling up inside him for years. “Buck, fuck…” he curses as Buck trails his lips down his jaw. “Inside.”

He tries grabbing for the door handle behind him blindly since Buck seems to be too kiss-drunk to follow. After many failed attempts and getting distracted by Buck’s hot, eager lips, Eddie manages to open the backseat door where a mattress is ready for them to jump on.

“Buck. Get the fuck inside,” Eddie hisses, trying to push Buck inside without tripping them both over.

It takes them a minute to get rid of their jackets and find a comfortable spot on the air mattress but once they do, they can’t keep their hands off each other. Temperature rises inside the car, their bodies hotter than molten iron, trying to meld into one.

Eddie’s pinned to the mattress with Buck half on top of him grinding against him relentlessly. His fingers are making a quick work of undoing Eddie’s shirt buttons.

“Buck, slow down,” Eddie pleads, he’s painfully hard and embarrassingly close to cumming in his pants if Buck doesn’t stop rutting into him. “Sweetheart, please…”

That seems to get Buck’s attention, his hips stuttering but not stopping. Blue eyes look up to him, dark and half lidded. “Eddie?” he rasps, his breathing heavy and labored.

“Yeah?” Eddie pants, trying not to lose himself in the ocean of those eyes. “What is it sweetheart? Tell me.”

Blue pupils disappear into white as Buck’s eyes roll’s back into his skull, his hips jerking involuntarily against Eddie’s. Eddie cranes his head up and kisses him as soon as he realizes what’s happening. Buck just came in his pants, just from some frottage and Eddie calling him “Sweetheart”.

Eddie helps him ride his orgasm the rest of the way, rolling his hip up to meet Buck’s erratic thrusts and swallows the needy whimpers that pour through his lips.

“That’s it, baby, ride it out,” he coos, fingers weaving through Buck’s messy curls. “Do I make you feel good, sweetheart?”

“Eddie…” Buck whines, his hips finally coming to a halt.

Buck buries his face into the crook of Eddie’s neck, breathing slow and deep. Eddie wouldn’t mind if they fell asleep like this. He’d be more than content holding Buck in his arm like this all night, the weight of him on top of Eddie a sweet reminder that he’s finally got Buck all to himself.

Tommy can go fuck himself for all Eddie cares. He’s already marked Buck’s neck and he has half the mind to get behind the wheels and drive off and leave the asshole alone in the camp.

But Buck isn’t asleep and clearly not done.

He starts kissing down Eddie’s neck, trailing wet kisses along Eddie’s shoulder and clavicle before looking up. “‘m sorry.”

Eddie could get struck by God’s thunder right now and he’d have no regrets. “What could you possibly have to be sorry for?”

Buck looks up through his lashes, blinking slow and sultry with the trademark Buck smirk plastered on his face. “In a few minutes, nothing.”

Before Eddie can question it, Buck is sliding down on the mattress and fumbling with Eddie’s belt and zipper. Fuck.

“God, Eddie… Do you have any idea how badly I’ve wanted this?” Buck rambles as his fingers work to free Eddie’s dick from the constraints of his too-tight jeans. Who the fuck even invented jeans? Or pants. We should burn all pants, Eddie thinks.

“My cock?” Eddie teases, running his fingers through Buck's hair. He’s never getting enough of feeling it through his fingers.

Buck nods bashfully. “Your cock. Your mouth. Your hands, Fuck–” he curses, finally pulling Eddie’s dick out of his boxers. His jeans bunched up just below the curve of his ass. “So fucking pretty… head to toe.”

Eddie’s brain short circuits at the sight of his dick in Buck’s hand. Precum drips from his tip just in time for Buck to gather it on thumb and spread it over Eddie’s crown.

It’s an effort not to cum from the sight alone, and Buck’s large palm squeezes around him before starting to stroke him slowly.

“M- my hands?” he asks, more so to distract himself.

Buck looks up, eyes half lidded and glassy. “Huh? Oh, yeah. Your hands are so fucking sexy, Eddie. You have to know…”

“Yeah?” Eddie rasps, pulling at Buck’s hair for emphasis.

Buck whines, his mouth hanging open, spit drooling from the corner. Eddie wants to lick it.

“Please… Eddie. Can I?” Buck licks at his already wet lips, his eyes flickering back and forth between Eddie’s eyes and cock. Eddie is not gonna last if those pink plush lips wrap around him.

“You can do anything you want, sweetheart,” Eddie mumbles. His head is spinning. He’s never been this turned on. Or this in love.

That elicits a keening sound from Buck that will live in Eddie’s memories until he dies.

“Pull my hair, push be down, fuck my throat, talk dirty, whatever you want, Eddie, just, please…”

And how could Eddie refuse him when he looks so sweet and eager, practically drooling over his cock?

“You got it, baby,” Eddie groans before pulling Buck closer to his crutch using his grip on his hair. “Anything you want. It’s yours. All of it.” He sighs. “All of me.”

Buck drags his lips and tongue along Eddie’s cock teasingly, giving it a few little licks before wrapping his lips around the tip and beginning to suck earnestly.

“Fuck… that’s it, sweetheart,” Eddie coos, massaging Buck’s temple with his thumb. “So pretty for me.”

Buck moans around him, his eyes fluttering shut just as he begins lowering his head and taking all of Eddie into his mouth. Eddie chokes on air the moment his crown goes past Buck’s throat and hits the back of his throat. His other hand's nails dig into his own thighs in a last effort to keep himself from cumming down Buck’s throat.

“So, my hands, huh?” Eddie begins as Buck starts bobbing his head up and down. “Where do you want them, sweetheart?”

Buck cries out around him, his eyes snapping open, looking up to him with pleading glassy eyes.

“In your mouth? Around your throat? Or around your wrist, pinning your arms above your head? I bet you’d look gorgeous like that.” Eddie’s close. So close he can almost taste the colors that have begun dancing behind his eyelids. But his mouth keeps moving, uttering words and sentences he hadn’t allowed himself to even think about.

“Shit– Buck… I’m… where should I…?”

Buck pulls back immediately, his hand taking over where his mouth was busy just a moment ago. He doesn’t move away like Eddie expected him too. Instead, Buck remains facing Eddie’s engorged cock as he jerks him with his mouth open.

“Fuckfuckfuck…” Eddie curses as he shoots white ropes all over Buck’s face and mouth. He nearly passes out when Buck squeezes him at the base and milks him dry, swallowing every last drop that lands in and around his mouth.

The image of Buck’s face covered in his cum is forever burned into Eddie’s memory. He’s pretty out of it, coming down from his high, while Buck tucks him back into his pants and wipes his face with the wet wipes Eddie keeps in his center console.

When Eddie comes to, Buck is staring at him with a soft smile, his head perching on his elbow. His other hand is lying flat on Eddie’s sternum, thumb caressing the soft hair on Eddie’s chest.

“Hi,” Buck breathes softly.

Eddie places his own hand on top of Buck’s. “Hey.”

They stay like that for what feels like hours, lost in each other’s eyes, their heartbeats and breathings in sync.

“Eddie?” Buck calls his name, and it must be the millionth time he’s called Eddie’s name, but this time feels different. This time it has a different ring to it.

“Yeah, Buck?” Eddie mirrors him, wanting to taste Buck’s name on his tongue after…. After.

“It wasn’t all his fault.”

Eddie blinks, waiting for Buck to continue.

“Tommy… You said he had me but never got to know. That he didn’t see me.”

Eddie’s face must show how he’s feeling like a projector because Buck looks panicked.

“No, listen, Eddie, I’m not trying to make excuses for him,” Buck says firmly. “And I am breaking up with him tomorrow. Well, today, technically.” Eddie lets out a relieved sigh. “But I just want you to know that you don’t have to hate him for me.”

“Buck… I don't know what you want me to say.”

“I’m just saying… he never got to know me, saw me, or really ever had me because I never let him.” Buck’s voice shakes a little at the end. “He never had me, Eddie. Because I was always yours.”

Eddie’s vision goes blurry with tears that fill up his eyes rapidly. “Buck…”

“Eddie, it was only ever you.” Buck cups his face and pulls him into a kiss so soft and sweet it makes Eddie cry harder. Their lips move slowly, the air in the car warm and heavy with the weight of all the emotions they’d repressed and the words they’d never spoken.

Eddie wraps his arms around Buck’s shoulder and pulls him down until he’s lying on top of him, two hundred and thirty pounds of hard muscle and soft curves and pure love.

They stay like that until the sky begins to lighten, neither of them sleeping. They’d spend too long apart to let a single moment go to waste.

Eventually Buck lifts his head off Eddie’s shoulder where it had been resting. “I can go back to the tent if you want. We don’t have to do this in the middle of the woods.”

Eddie lifts a hand to cup Buck’s cheek, rubbing at the pink flush that didn’t fade all night with his thumb. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Whatever you decide to do, I got your back.”

Buck’s smile is soft and easy as he lays his head back down on Eddie’s shoulder, right above the exit point of the bullet that painted Buck’s face red all those years ago.

“I got yours too,” he hums.

Eddie plants a chaste kiss on the crown of Buck’s head.
“I know you do, sweetheart.”

Chapter Text

Eddie isn’t freaking out.

Which in and of itself should be grounds for freaking out. See, it’s what Eddie always does. He freaked out when the cute girl from school flirted with him at the lake, sure they became best friends later but Eddie didn’t know it then. He freaked out when she kissed him at the school dance even though he knew he should’ve seen it coming. Hell, he should’ve initiated it. He really freaked out when they found out she was pregnant not a year later, so he married her and ran to a different continent on the opposite side of the globe. That’s how badly he was freaking out. Then he found out his son was sick and re-enlisted. Doubly freaked out. Ran away. The cycle repeated year after year.

Now, Eddie’s laying on an air mattress in his overpriced truck with Buck lying half on top of him, face tucked into the crook of his neck snoring softly, and Eddie’s not freaking out. His heart rate is normal, his breathing is slow and even and his skin feels pleasantly warm. That last one is probably irrelevant since he has a human equivalent of a weighted blanket on top of him, of course he’s nice and toasty even if it’s fifty degrees outside.

Eddie’s got Buck in his arms, sleeping soundly, his chest rising and falling with a steady rhythm. His best friend, the man who’s saved his ass more time than Eddie could count, and it felt right. Kissing him, and holding him as he came in his pants against Eddie’s leg didn’t feel wrong. Cumming on Buck’s flushed face didn’t make him feel icky inside. Didn’t make him feel… guilty, despite… everything.

Despite every value he was raised on—drilled into him by his parents and their community. Despite what their church said every Sunday at mass. Despite Eddie denying himself every day for the last five years.

Despite it all, Buck is here and he loves Eddie back. His lips felt so right against, his hands fit so perfectly around his body and his weight on top of Eddie’s feels like the piece of him that’s been missing his whole life has finally found its way back to him. It’s like all his life Eddie had been going through life with a limp, one side heavier than the other, messing up with his balance and he didn’t even know how off he felt until that piece finally found him seven years ago in the 118 lockers and never let go. Maybe there’s some truth to Genesis 2:21-24. Maybe God did make his pair using a chunk of his ribs.

Eddie lets out a soft chuckle. For the first time in his life, he finds that he doesn’t even care if the church or his family think this is wrong. Seeing Buck’s sleeping face, Eddie can’t imagine a world where loving Evan Buckley is a sin. If it is, that is not a world Eddie wants to live in.

Buck squirms a little in his sleep and Eddie tightens his arm around him. His long lashes cast a soft shadow on his cheeks, pouty pink lips slightly parted and drooling on Eddie’s shirt and all Eddie can think about is how beautiful he is. How perfect is this moment?

Except, Tommy is sleeping, blissfully ignorant, a couple of hundred feet away from them in a tent Eddie set up for him and Buck to sleep in because as far as Tommy’s concerned, he’s still Buck’s boyfriend.

Maybe Eddie should be freaking out about this one. He didn’t actually think this through when he pinned Buck to his truck and kissed him breathless. They’re hours outside of the city. This is either going to be the most awkward ride back home with Tommy if Buck breaks up with him here, or they'll have to bear the most tense hike with Buck and his oblivious boyfriend so Buck can break the news to him somewhere that isn’t in the middle of nowhere.

It keeps Eddie up all night, his brain running a hundred miles per hour, exhaustion be damned. Every time he closes his eyes he sees Tommy’s face, cruel and beady and bitter, spitting insults and nasty remarks towards them for making a fool of him. Eddie could take it, whatever Tommy throws at him Eddie has probably heard worse. He also owns a mirror, thank you very much, but Buck… Eddie can’t stand Buck getting hurt over Tommy’s bruised ego. Buck’s been through enough with his parents and his previous relationships.

He wants to protect Buck from it, if he can, even if Buck doesn’t need it. Eddie can already see Buck’s disapproval on his face, that tight frown knitting his brows together and the crease above his scrunched nose when he’s annoyed. He’d want to take responsibility, let Tommy take his anger out on him.

And the worst part is, Eddie has to let him. He has to let Buck deal with this relationship on his own terms before he can be with him. Eddie can’t take that away from him.

The air inside the truck gets heavier with each breath Eddie takes. He has no idea what time it is and he doesn’t really care. It’s still dark outside, but for all Eddie knows, the sun could be coming up any minute.

Carefully, he untangles himself from Buck’s sleeping figure. Pushing Buck’s limp arm off his chest feels like ripping his own skin off, but Eddie needs some air. He needs to clear his head before the sun comes up and shines light on this mess and forces them all to deal with it.

Eddie covers Buck with the blanket they never got to use before silently climbing out of the car. The chill air burns his eyes but Eddie blinks through it until he gets used to it. He makes his way to their chairs, the fire is almost out but the thermos is still sitting by Eddie’s folding chair with just enough hot water to make one cup of instant coffee.

The cup keeps his frozen fingers warm, the instant coffee is too bitter for Eddie’s liking anyway. He checks his watch. 4:43. Eddie should be sleeping right now, holding Buck close against his chest, breathing in the scent of his hair; an obnoxiously expensive leave-in curl conditioner and mousse. He should be having the best sleep of his life since—

“Eddie?”

Eddie was hit by lightning once, the same lightning that hit Buck and stopped his heart. It threw Eddie a few feet in the air, burned his palms and made him a little dizzy, but most of all, it hurt like hell. Stinging pain coursed through his body for mere seconds that felt like hours in that moment.

Hearing Tommy’s voice in the dark was akin to that hot stinging pain of getting hit by lightning and getting thrown in the air.

“Eddie, what the hell? Where’s Evan?” Tommy is stomping towards him in long, heavy steps. “I don’t think he ever came to bed.”

The coffee in Eddie’s hand has already gone cold, it’s completely useless to him now. He watches Tommy as he walks closer and can’t help but notice how odd it is. If Eddie had woken up in the middle of the night in the woods to find his boyfriend–Buck–missing he would be running around the campsite frantically looking for him, screaming his name, instead of grunting like a troll with a bad back.

“Don’t worry, Buck’s okay,” Eddie replies even though Tommy didn’t seem particularly concerned with Buck’s safety. “He’s sleeping in my truck.”

The man stops at Eddie’s feet, hands pushed deep into his jacket’s pockets and his face set with a scowl.

“Pray tell, where did you sleep, Eddie?”

Eddie resists the urge to roll his eyes, despite the darkness, and takes a sip of his cold, disgusting  coffee. “I didn’t.”

It’s not a lie, and it’s enough to get Tommy off his back for now. Hopefully.

Tommy lets out a sigh, not exactly relieved but his frown softens just a little. “What happened? Is he okay?”

Oh, now you’re worried about his well-being?

“He’s fine,” Eddie says dryly, his next words spilling from his lips before he can stop them. “He just didn’t feel like sleeping in a tent. His body runs cold at night, as I’m sure you know.”

The glower returns to Tommy’s face, arms crossed and his eyes icy cold as he stares Eddie down.

“I am well aware, Eddie,” he spits Eddie’s name with a snide lilt to his voice. “He’s my fucking boyfriend, and I could’ve warmed him up if he’d come to bed with me.”

Eddie wants to gag, but who can he blame but himself. He poked the damn bear.

“Look, man,” he sighs, stretching his arm down to put the cup on the ground next to him before resting back in his chair. “If you got any issues with your boyfriend you should talk to him in the morning when he wakes up.”

Tommy is seething, hands curled into tight fists against his chest and his cold, empty eyes shooting daggers at Eddie.

“You—” he sounds like he chokes on his own tongue for a second. “You’re my issue!”

Eddie feels almost giddy. He’s had decades of experience putting on a cool, collected mask in the face of a crisis, and this doesn’t even qualify as a crisis in Eddie’s book.

 Oh it’s on, asshole.

“I am?” Eddie feigns ignorance, knowing his nonchalance adds fuel to Tommy’s fire.

“Oh, don’t play dumb with me, Diaz,” Tommy snarls. “You’ve been putting yourself between me and Evan from the day we started dating and you know it.”

“If you say so,” Eddie shrugs. As much as he’d love to give Tommy a piece of his mind, this is not the time or place to do it. Buck deserves to confront Tommy on his own terms. He doesn’t need Eddie fighting his battles for him.

“I knew it,” Tommy says, like he’s made some kind of revelation. “You’re into him, aren’t you?”

Eddie doesn’t gratify him with a response.

“You need to back the hell off, Eddie. You had what? Six? Seven years to make your move? But you didn’t, ‘cause you’re a pussy and frankly, you got too much baggage.”

“Are you done?” Eddie sighs, stifling a low chuckle, as fun as taunting Tommy further would be right now. Like Tommy Kinard could hurt him. “Go back to bed, Tommy.”

“No! You need to tell me what you did to him last night.” Tommy snaps. “I’ve been real patient with him for the last six months as he fumbled through being gay and you constantly dragging him into your own mess with your mistress and your kid—”

Eddie shoots up from his seat in a blink. “Be very careful choosing your next words.”

“Or what? You’re gonna break my nose like you did when you joined an underground fight club and almost killed someone?”

The corner of Eddie’s lips pull upward, smug and sneering. He hadn’t told Tommy this story.

“Must be miserable,” Eddie snickers, that petty side of him overcoming the more mature side. “Dating a guy who can’t stop talking about me. Did he ever moan my name? Not that you’d ever admit it.”

“You’ve got some nerve,” Tommy hisses. It’s pathetic, really, Eddie expected more heat from the guy. “You don't even deny it.”

Eddie snorts before falling over himself laughing with an arm wrapped around his middle. He’s only half losing it.

“Deny what?” he asks between heaves. “That I’m in love with Buck? Anything with a pulse could see it from miles away.” He wipes the tears that had dampened his lashes. “Which is funny, because you must’ve known too.”

“You saying I never stood a chance?”

Eddie shakes his head, turns around and begins walking in a circle. “I don’t know what I’m saying, to be honest.”

There’s a pause. Eddie rubs his palms over his face and throws his head back. The sun is coming up, lighting up the sky, and there’s nowhere Eddie could hide. There never was.

“You must’ve known, or at least suspected, right? But you still shoot your shot. I admire that, because you were right, I was a coward—sorry, a pussy, and I wasted years…”

Eddie turns around, facing Tommy again and the look of defeat on the older man’s face catches him off-guard. He was expecting him to put up more of a fight. Maybe Eddie is naive, but he thought Buck was worth fighting harder for.

“I wasted so many years. But here’s the thing, I never stood a chance either. I was living my miserable life day after day until one day a wrecking ball in the shape of Evan Buckley crashed into my life and destroyed everything.

“He tore through my concrete walls like they were cardboard, walls I had spent decades carving around me. Shredded the barbed wires with his bare hands and disarmed the bombs I didn’t even know were still there. One day he waltzes into my life all threatening and faux machismo, and the next day he’s saving my sorry ass by fixing my childcare arrangement for me and the next thing I know he’s cooking us dinner and helping my kid with his homework and kissing him goodnight and my life was never the same again.

“Now I had someone who had my back, and not just at work, not like in the army. Buck was there when I didn’t know how to talk to my son because my life experience was shit. He was there on days when my hands were too shaky to drive home after a tough shift. He was there when Chris had a project neither of us understood the point of but he’d spend hours on the internet looking up recipes and tutorials and materials and wouldn’t stop until he figured it all out. He was there when I crashed out and broke every piece of furniture in my bedroom—granted it wasn’t much—he didn’t pity me, or tell me to man up and get over it. He stayed right next to me as I sobbed every last drop of tear I had and then helped me patch up my walls and made dinner for good measure.”

Eddie only realizes that he’s crying when he tastes salt on his lips. Tommy stands frozen, staring at him blankly.

“So yeah, I never stood a chance against falling for him,” Eddie sighs, feeling a weight lift off his chest. “‘Love’ doesn’t even begin to define what Buck means to me—his name is fucking Buck, how hard could be to remember? His parents didn’t even care to give him his own god damn name, Evan was his dying brother’s middle name.”

“Well, congratulations, I hope you two will be happy together,” Tommy says blankly before turning on his feet, assumingly walking back to the tent.

“You still don’t get it, do you?”

“Oh, I get it. You two are in ‘love’, like in the fairytales,” Tommy sneers, looking over his shoulder.

“Fairytales? Sure, because in fairytales they run into burning buildings and collapsed tunnels for a living. And the princes have PTSD and anxiety disorder, practically walking timebombs, and kids go to Texas to escape their fucked-up dads.

“What you don’t get is that I’m fucking terrified, because if I mess this up with Buck, it’s over for me. Finished. He’s it for me, and I will wake up every day and pray that today isn’t the day that I lose him on a call, or drive him away with another fuckup, but you? You’ll get over this and find someone else eventually.”

“So I should thank you now?”

“Tommy?”

Eddie whips his head to the sound coming from a few dozen feet behind him.

“Eddie?” Buck calls as he strolls towards them. Eddie can see him trying not to put too much weight on his bad leg. It always flares up in the colder mornings and Eddie curses himself for not grabbing Buck’s painkillers. He always forgets them himself.

“Morning, Buck,” Tommy spits, pronouncing the ‘B’ with an unnecessary bite. “Nice of you to finally join the party.”

Buck looks between them in confusion, his eyes searching Eddie’s for answers desperately.

“As I was saying to Eddie here; congrats, hope you two will be happy together,” he says mockingly. “Now, if you’ll excuse me I gotta go pack my shit.”

Buck opens his mouth to protest but Tommy storms back into his tent faster than Buck can formulate a response.

“Wh– what the hell happened?”

Eddie pinches the bridge of his nose, hopelessly trying to contain the migraine that’s creeping in on him.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean for it to escalate,” he apologizes as sincerely as he can manage. It’s not that he’s not sorry for making things more complicated, but Eddie would be lying if he said he preferred Buck face Tommy on his own.

Buck’s eyes widen in horror. “You told him?”

Eddie shakes his head before plopping down onto one of the chairs. “Not exactly,” he sighs before continuing. “I couldn’t sleep so I was sitting here on my own when he showed up, asking where you were and why you didn’t come to bed.”

Buck nods, his eyes still wide in shock. At least he doesn’t seem angry at Eddie as he takes a seat on the chair next to him.

“I… he already knew, and there was no point in me denying what he was going to find out soon anyway.”

“I know.” Buck swallows. “You did the right thing.”

The “right” thing. An interesting concept in their current situation.

“Yeah. Didn’t wanna insult the man’s intelligence after making him a cuck,” Eddie sighs, rubbing his aching temples with his fingers hoping to find some relief.

Buck reaches out, resting his palm on Eddie’s knee.

“Hey, it’s—” he was attempting to reassure Eddie but Tommy chose that exact moment to exit the tent with his backpack on his shoulder.

“Oh, please, don’t let me interrupt.”

Buck shoots up from his seat. Eddie doesn’t bother.

“Tommy, wait,” he jogs after the man. “Can we talk?”

He makes it a couple of dozen feet in the opposite direction from them before stopping. Still in Eddie’s earshot.

“Not sure there’s anything to talk about, Evan—sorry, Buck.” He takes two steps before turning back around. “You know, you could’ve told me this if it bothered you so much.”

“Wha… I…” Buck stutters, trying to put the pieces together, find out what Tommy is talking about. Eddie cringes at the memory. Maybe he overreacted. Maybe Buck didn’t actually mind…

“You know what? Maybe I deserve this,” Tommy starts to ramble. “Karma, right? For what I put Abby through. And maybe Diaz is right. Maybe I did know that you two were more than friends. Your bond was… something else. Yeah, I fooled myself for a while, thinking you two were just ‘best buddies’ who were real close. I thought, maybe, at some point I’ll become special too. That we would become special. Guess I was wrong.”

The drama… Eddie rolls his eyes.

“Tommy, listen, it wasn’t like that… we had never—I mean, not till last night… I didn’t even know…”

It’s ironic because Eddie didn’t either. He’s starting to think neither of them would’ve confronted their own feelings if it weren’t for Tommy. Not that Eddie would ever admit that to anyone, least of all Tommy himself.

The man scoffs. “You didn’t know? Eddie said, and I quote, anything with a pulse could see it from miles away. That he’s been in love with you.”

Buck’s throat closes up, hot tears pooling in his eyes, threatening to fall any moment. “I didn’t. I mean, you know me. I can be pretty fucking dense sometimes,” He sniffles, wiping the tears off his cheeks with the back of his hand.

Eddie’s knuckles go white as he squeezes the arm rest so tight he feels the metal boning bend.

“Well, now you know.”

“Tommy, hold on, just a minute, please?” Buck pleads, holding onto Tommy’s sleeve to keep him from leaving and it makes Eddie’s blood run boiling hot in his veins. “I know there’s nothing I can say to make this better, or easier for you, and I’m not asking for your forgiveness either, I know I don’t deserve it. I just…” he clears his throat, trying to hide his voice breaking. “I just want you to know that it was never my intention to hurt you. To be… cruel.”

“No, I get it.”

“Yo- you do?”

“Sure. Hell, I wanted that cookie too, remember?” he says, craning his chin in Eddie’s direction, venom dripping from every word. “I flew the guy to Vegas for fuck’s sake!”

Eddie’s chair falls backward from the impact of Eddie storming out of it in a flash.

“You bastard,” he curses, ready to bite down and punch Tommy’s teeth out of his vile mouth but Buck holds a hand up to stop him.

“Fair enough,” Buck rasps, his attempt at hiding the hurt on his face completely futile.

Tommy looks between them, clearly disappointed that his provoking comment didn't cause the dramatic effect he’d intended it to and starts walking away again. Very mature.

“Where are you going?” Buck shouts behind him.

“None of your business.”

“It’s dangerous to wander around on your own!”

Tommy gives them the middle finger and continues on his walk, his figure slowly disappearing between the trees.

Eddie approaches Buck carefully, resting his hand between his tight shoulders.

“Don’t worry. There’s a ranger’s outpost half a mile that way. Pretty sure that’s where he’s headed.”

Packing up is mostly done in silence, neither of them feels like hanging out there longer to eat something before leaving. They eat a protein bar each, Buck only eats his because Eddie unwraps one and hands it to him. Torn between giving Buck space to process everything and not wanting him to sit with Tommy’s bullshit for too long, Eddie keeps to himself too. He can almost hear the gears in Buck’s brain, overthinking every date and every moment in his relationship with Tommy trying to figure out which one of them was more insincere.

Eddie forces a cup of that bitter instant coffee down his throat with a wince before they hit the road. No way he’d let Buck drive in that state even if he’d gotten a full night of sleep. Buck was a wreck. He’d only get this quiet when the voice in his head became too loud. The mean ones who sounded oddly similar to his parents telling him he couldn’t ever earn their love. That he’d never be enough.

Eddie keeps chewing on his lip and biting the inside of cheeks trying to come up with something to say to break the suffocating silence. They hadn’t spent this long not talking since… since Buck was in a coma.

But nothing sounds right in his head, and if it doesn’t sound right in his head it’ll probably sound worse coming out of his mouth. Eddie’s not good at this, and the person he’d normally ask for advice from is sitting next to him, closed-off and quiet, staring out the window with pink-rimmed eyes and damp lashes.

About half a mile to the intersection between their places Eddie pulls over. As much as taking the right turn towards the loft and leaving Buck to his own devices makes Eddie’s gut churn, racing straight forward to his place would be too presumptuous. They’ve just crossed the line, past the point of no return, and everything is already falling apart. It feels like he’s losing Buck either way.

Buck looks around like a lost puppy, blinking quickly as if he’s just started noticing his surroundings despite his eyes being open the entire time.

“Buck?” he calls softly, reaching a hesitant hand to squeeze Buck’s knee.

“Wha’s wrong? Why‘d you stop?”

“Buck, listen, I don’t wanna pressure you into something you’re not ready for and I understand if you need space, but I’d feel a lot better if you weren’t on your own in the loft tonight.” The words taste like broken glass in Eddie’s mouth, bitter and metallic. The thought of losing Buck—losing the family they’d built together—makes bile rise in Eddie’s throat. He’s already driven his son away, it was only a matter of time.

Eddie’s life feels like a sand castle, a fragile structure built on a soggy foundation. Buck has been his solid ground, the rocks and the glue that keeps everything solid. Without him Eddie is one wave away from crumbling down into a pile of wet sand.

“Wh-why would I need space?” Buck mumbles, not meeting Eddie’s eyes.

Eddie curses himself, biting down on his cheek hard enough to taste iron. He always says the wrong thing. Always messing up.

“I… I don’t know, you’ve just…” he stammers. “You haven’t said a word since Tommy walked away.”

Buck’s face goes pale white, almost green, and before Eddie can react he’s opening the car door and emptying his stomach’s contents on the street. Which isn’t much.

Before he knows it, Eddie is rushing out and over to Buck’s side, rubbing his shoulders soothingly.

“It’s okay… you’re okay…” he whispers softly, waiting until Buck’s heaving stops before offering him a bottle. “Here, rinse your mouth first.”

Buck complies wordlessly, rinsing his mouth before taking a few sips of water but refuses to lift his head up. It’s so unlike Buck to hide himself from him. Eddie’s supposed to be his safe place, the place he goes to hide from everybody else, where he falls asleep in the time it takes for Eddie to grab the beers from the fridge. So instead Eddie tilts his head down to get a better look at him.

“We need to get some electrolytes in you. You think you could…Buck?” He’s mid-sentence when he notices the tears sliding down Buck’s cheeks. “Buck, hey…. It’s okay, hush…”

He puts one leg up on the truck’s step and pulls Buck into his arms. The act only makes Buck cry harder, his shoulders trembling and his breath hitching with every sob. The glass shards must’ve reached Eddie’s heart by now, tearing their way through each vein and scraping at the walls of the already bruised up muscle.

“I’m sorry… Buck, I’m sorry. This is all my fault…”

Buck sniffles, rubbing his face into Eddie’s chest like he’s shaking his head no. He clings onto Eddie’s shoulders, strong fingers clawing at his jacket. It makes Eddie want to crawl into a cave and never come out.

“I shouldn’t have done that last night. Should’ve waited for a better time, fuck—”

“No… no, don’t…” Buck chokes up. “I don’t want you to regret it… ‘cause I don’t. I just…”

Eddie’s heart settles down just a little, no longer slamming full force against his rib cage trying to break free. His arms tighten around Buck’s shoulders, he buries his face into Buck’s curls and kisses the top of his head.

“I don’t regret it, baby,” he sighs into Buck’s hair. “I could never regret you.”

Some of the tension melts away from Buck’s shoulders even if his sobs don’t yet stop.

“Buck, talk to me,” Eddie pleads, wishing he could crack open his ribcage and hide Buck inside it, shielding him from all the pain and heartbreak in the world.

“It’s stupid… I’m stupid,” Buck sniffles, pulling away just a few inches. “It shouldn’t matter, because I loved you the whole time… I love you!”

“I know, baby,” Eddie coos, wiping at the tears on Buck’s blotchy red cheeks. “I know.”

“So why… Why does it hurt?”

It’s a gut-punch, hearing Buck’s small trembling voice, watching him be in pain, helplessly. Eddie would take being shot over this any day. That bastard succeeded. His cruel words worked, stung Buck with his venomous fangs like a vengeful snake before crawling back into his hole.

“Sweetheart… It hurts because he wanted it to hurt. He was hurting and he wanted to hurt you in return.”

Buck presses his forehead into Eddie’s sternum again, his arms resting warm and heavy around Eddie’s hips.

“So you think he was lying? About trying to date you first?”

Eddie heaves a sigh, threading his fingers into Buck’s wild curls and massaging his scalp with his fingertips. “I don’t know.”

“Would you?” Buck asks, looking up with his head tilted back. His shiny blue eyes capture Eddie in their trap.

“What? Date Tommy Kinard?” Eddie asks with sneer. It sounds so ridiculous, but back then he didn’t think twice about it. The trips, the games, the expensive tickets…

“Yeah.”

“Buck…”

“Eddie, come on… I need to know. Just… tell me.”

Eddie could argue, or refuse to answer. He could tell Buck that it doesn’t matter, that there is no right answer. That no matter what Eddie says it’s still gonna hurt. But he doesn’t.

He lets out a defeated sigh and braces himself. “I never questioned his motives then, not sure if I do now, but if he had outright asked me out I would’ve declined. Even if I had realized that I could be into men then, I was never into him.” Would never be into him.

“But you were so excited to hang out with him,” Buck says, voice small and eyes brimming with doubts and questions.

Eddie’s eyes soften, petting Buck’s soft hair. “Yeah, that’s how it usually is when you find a new friend you share a lot of interests with.

“He could’ve never replaced you, Buck. Never in a million years. Not as my best friend, not as my partner, and certainly not as my boyfriend.”

Buck looks up at him through his wet lashes, lips parted and blinking slowly. He looks divine, like the forbidden fruit, ripe, pink and juicy, fallen right at Eddie’s feet, begging to be devoured.

“Am I?” Buck asks sheepishly, bleary eyes staring up to Eddie’s. “Your boyfriend?”

Eddie tilts his head, feeling his cheeks grow hotter a couple of degrees. No doubt he’s red up to his ears.

“You’re…” Eddie swallows around the lump in his throat. You’re everything. “If… that’s what you want. Yeah.”

The moment stretches longer than it should, the air growing heavy between them. Eddie stands frozen, his limbs feeling too heavy on his body as the exhaustion starts catching up to him.

It’s Buck who finally breaks the silence.

“We should go home,” he mutters as he pulls himself back into his seat and re-fastens his seat belt. Eddie nods with his lip pulled taut between his teeth and shuts the passenger’s door.

Home.

At least they both seem to agree on where that is.

..

Eddie’s mentally checking the content of his fridge as he’s putting the truck in park in his driveway behind Buck’s Jeep. Beer, ham, tomatoes, a couple of wilting carrots, a half-eaten bowl of mac ‘n’ cheese from last night, a few bottles of Gatorade and an unopened jar of Chris’ favorite mayo. They both need to eat something and Buck needs to get some electrolytes in him. He has three portions of Thai crispy chicken and rice in the freezer that he meal-prepped during the weekend and Eddie can’t find a better excuse to break them out early.

There’s also 6 different tubs of ice cream because somehow Eddie, Chris and Buck have completely opposite tastes in ice cream. Not just flavors but textures too. Chris hates chunks in his ice cream while Buck wants all the chunky bits he can get. And yeah, Eddie has been restocking their ice cream stash regularly despite Chris being gone for months. He’s gonna come back, eventually. Eddie’s going to bring him back, and when he does, he wants everything to be perfect.

Eddie will blame it on low blood sugar and exhaustion if anyone asks but he nearly trips on the deck steps because he was daydreaming about Chris coming home and Buck making dinner for the three of them and falling asleep with his head on Buck’s shoulder with salt and buttery fingers from eating too much popcorn with one of the Avengers movies playing on the TV.

Buck catches him, of course he does. His large hands looped around Eddie’s middle, the other clutching Eddie’s arm to keep his balance. It hits Eddie again, how blind he’d been this whole time.

That’s what Buck’s always done. Caught him when he was falling, in more ways that Eddie knew one could fall. All his life, since Eddie became an adult, he’d been tripping, slipping and falling on his ass through every stage with no one to guide him and hold his hand. It’s almost like everyone already expected him to fail. His parents belittled him and tried to take Chris away when Eddie was lost after Shannon left. Of course he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing, he was twenty-two! Shannon was just trying to find her own footing too, she couldn’t have helped him any more than he could’ve been there for her.

Then entered Evan Buckley, hotheaded, stubborn, and a goddamn bleeding heart. The man isn’t perfect, no one is, and he made his fair share of mistakes but not once did he shy away from reaching a hand out to Eddie. He’s been Eddie’s life line for so long that Eddie has nearly forgotten what life was like before it. Before Buck.

Eddie laces their fingers together and pulls Buck inside the house, the only home Eddie’s ever felt truly belonged to and he knows it’s the same for Buck too. The creaking of the front door, the rustle of the loose stone on the pathway, the squeaking of the flooring in the corner of the living room and the clanking on the rusty kitchen cupboard doors, they make the most beautiful tune. The symphony of their home, completed with the sound of their laughter and cries. A score worthy of an Academy Award.

Their lips meet under the archway, the door barely closed shut behind Buck. It’s sweet, almost hesitant at first before Eddie loops an arm around Buck’s shoulder and pulls him closer against him. Buck lets out a stifled groan, his arms snaking around Eddie’s middle, clinging on so tight like he’s afraid Eddie will disappear. They swing back and forth, circling around in the hallways like dance, slow and carefree, almost practiced.

Buck parts his lips, his tongue teasing at the seam of Eddie’s lips until he’s granted permission to enter. It’s different from last night when they were mildly buzzed, lips tasting like beer, and veins pumped with the adrenaline rush of sneaking behind Tommy’s back, chasing the thrill of it. Now, they’re home, physically exhausted and mentally drained. Eddie’s lips are bitter from the cheap coffee and Buck’s are sour from…well.

Not that Eddie cares. Buck has tasted Eddie’s blood, nearly bathed in it. His jaw goes slack, moaning around Buck’s tongue roaming around his mouth with ease, like his making himself at home there like he did here in 4995 S. Bedford Street with Eddie.

Their jackets fall to the ground with a quiet thud, hands roaming each other’s bodies for what feels like the first time– again. Eddie’s heart is fluttering against his chest like an anxious bird in a cage. There’s still so much to explore in each other, so much skin to touch, to taste and immortalize the memories with their signature scents. So much to see, to drink in the sight of each other, bare and vulnerable in a way they had never been before, not with anyone else, not with each other.

Buck’s hand slips under Eddie’s hoodie, groping the soft curve of his hips, tracing the fading scars from his time in Afghanistan. He can’t help melting against Buck’s chest when he kisses him so sweetly as his hands roam Eddie’s back. The kiss is hot and unbridled, but not rushed and fueled with lascivious urgency. At least not at first.

Eddie pulls on the short curls behind Buck’s neck and Buck digs his fingers into Eddie’s shoulder blades. Eddie bites and nips at Buck’s bottom lip and Buck pushes Eddie against the door. The string is pulled from both ends until the knot is tied too tightly.

Buck’s hand slips under the waistband of Eddie’s jeans, cupping his ass and pressing Eddie’s crotch harder against his own thigh. The air is knocked out of Eddie’s lungs when Buck’s finger grazes his hole, like he touched a live wire.

What are they doing? Buck just got out of a long term relationship under complicated circumstances and Eddie’s life is a mess. It occurs to Eddie that maybe they should take a breather and talk first before jumping into bed, as tempting as that may be.

“B- Buck,” Eddie gasps between Buck’s assault on his lips. “Hold… hold on.”

It takes Buck a considerable amount of self-control to detach his lips from Eddie’s. His hand remained still in Eddie’s pants, his quick, heated breaths fanning Eddie’s cupid bow. He’s got Eddie pinned between the door and the large mass of his body, glassy blue eyes boring into Eddie’s anxious brown ones.

It would be so easy for Eddie to succumb to it, to let Buck take the steering wheel and drive them both off the cliff. To let himself drown in the pleasure pulsing through his veins from the press of Buck’s hard body against him. To, once again, let his dick take the reign and ruin another relationship for him, only this time it’s not just him he’d be ruining. It’s Chris’ relationship with the only other consistent guardian he’s ever known. It’s the family he’s built in a city he never thought would become his forever home. It’s the job he’s defined himself with after struggling to find meaning for nearly thirty years.

“We need to talk.”

His voice comes out shakier than he would’ve liked but what matters more is that it came out at all.

Buck takes a step back, hands pulling back like he’s been tased, face crumbling like a house of cards.

“Shit— I messed up again, didn’t I?”

Eddie knows a wounded animal when he sees one. He’s more dangerous to himself than anyone else, desperate and hurting.

“You didn’t,” Eddie replies without hesitation. “I just think we should eat something first and maybe talk about this before—”

“Before jumping into bed, right?” Buck interrupts, his voice high and breathy. “Because that’s what I do. I fuck things up and jump into bed with people because that’s all I’ve ever done. That’s all I’ve ever been good for.”

Caution be damned, Eddie grabs him by the shoulders, shaking him lightly and trying to get Buck to look at him. To see the raw emotions on Eddie’s face, the love, the longing and wariness.

“Buck, that’s not true,” Eddie says sternly. “You can’t possibly think that it’s just the sex—”

Interrupted again and pushed away.

“Can’t I?” The pain in Buck’s eyes pierces Eddie’s heart through and through. “How many relationships have I blown just in the seven years you’ve known me? Now multiply that by fifty.

“At some point I have to get a hint, right?” he’s panting, borderline hyperventilating, and if he doesn’t calm down he’s gonna have a full blown panic attack. Not if Eddie can help it.

“Buck, you need to breathe.” He tries to approach again, to cup Buck’s tear-damp cheeks in his palms but Buck backs away faster.

“Everybody leaves!” Buck shouts, choking around sob that’s been squeezing around his windpipe. “Abby didn’t even look back when she walked away into the airport, I was never gonna be enough for her. And then I was too much for Ali, not worth the headache. And then I met Taylor and even though things were complicated, we were friends, and I thought for sure that she’d…” He squeezes his eyes shut, blinking his unshed tears away. “Well, we all know what she chose in the end, it certainly wasn’t my sorry ass. Natalia lasted all of five minutes. She realized I wasn’t as interesting as she thought I was early on and never looked back. And Tommy…”

“Buck… sweetheart,” Eddie pleads, ignoring the hot tear that slid down his cheek and gathered in the corner of his mouth. “Don’t…”

“I was such a fool… of course it wasn’t me he wanted in the first place! We had nothing in common! But you did… it was you…”

This time Eddie manages to trap Buck between the back of the couch and his body. “Hey! Listen to me dammit!”

Buck stands frozen, lips trembling and breathing labored.

“You’ve lived a full life, and if we’re keeping score, your track record is far better than mine. We’ve both made mistakes and dated the wrong people, but you know what? I wouldn’t change a thing about it if it means I get to have you in the end,” Eddie is panting, his heart having a hard time catching up with his overdriving brain.

“I’m here to stay,” Eddie says after catching his breath, voice barely louder than a whisper. Buck’s issue was never hearing him. It’s believing him.

“I’m not leaving you.” he cups Buck’s face, wiping his thumb across the red blotchy spots on Buck's cheeks. “You’re my heart. Where would I even go?”

Buck looks down, his true emotions concealed behind a careful frown.

“El Paso. To be with Chris,” Buck rasps, decidedly not meeting Eddie’s eyes. “I saw it on your tablet. You forgot to lock it after checking the flights.”

The reminder shouldn’t feel harrowing, but there Eddie stands in front of Buck with his heart torn in half.

It’s true. Eddie had been looking at flights from LA to El Paso for weeks now but he hasn't taken the plunge yet. Every day he makes up a new excuse to talk himself out of purchasing a ticket. One day it’s filling in for Chim because he has to be there for Maddie’s next OBGYN appointment. Another day it’s Friday the thirteenth and people always do more crazy shit on this day and he doesn’t want to hang his team out to dry. And then it’s Tia Peppa’s birthday that’s coming up and he’s promised to help with the reservation and preparations at this fancy hotel she and her friends want to celebrate her sixtieth birthday at. Things just “come up”. And if they don’t, Eddie will make them come up.

Because the truth is, Eddie’s been a coward. Too afraid to take that step, reach out to Chris and get turned away. Too scared to face the fact that his only son might never forgive him and want to come home.

“Yes.” so he admits with a weary sigh. No point in lying. “To go and bring him back.”

And maybe it's time Eddie admits to himself that he should stop being a coward. That if he can be brave enough to take Buck when he was still with Tommy, he could probably be brave enough to take Christopher back from his parents.

“Wh- what?” Buck’s eyes gleam in a newfound credence, his mask of passive indifference slipping. “You… you’re not leaving?”

Eddie reaches out and pulls Buck's hands into his own, lacing their fingers together. “I’m not going anywhere, baby.”

Buck drops his forehead onto Eddie’s shoulder, his arms wrapping loosely around his middle and Eddie would be content standing there for hours. Just holding Buck in his arms and listening to him breathe deep and evenly.

“I never wanted to be like this,” Buck mumbles out of nowhere. “I tried so hard not to use sex as a crutch. Not to… manipulate people into staying.”

Eddie nearly recoils, his nerves sounding an alarm loud enough to make his ears ring. That’s a huge accusation that Buck so casually threw at himself like it was a predetermined fact. It’s disturbing, shocking, and most importantly, not true.

He puts a pin on it to ask about it later, to find out who in the world Buck got this idea from.

For now, Eddie combs his fingers through Buck’s hair and pulls him closer.

“I’m no relationship expert,” Eddie starts as he rubs between Buck’s shoulder blades soothingly. “But I think you need to give yourself more credit. For seven years I watched you pour your heart into every relationship you entered. You never hold back, Buck, and you give it your all, every single time.

“Sex isn’t a bad thing. You know casual hookups aren’t for me but they’re not a crime, Buck, especially when you cared for and respected every person you were with. I don’t think any of them would want to take it back. Do you?”

Buck looks up, shaking his head. “N- no, ‘course not.”

“And as for me,” Eddie says nervously. “I want you, Buck. I think I made that very clear last night. I want you in every way, shape or form that you’d let me have you. I want you with every breath that I take. I know once I get to have you I’ll never want to stop. I’ll want to stay in bed all day, wrapped around you, drowning in you, breathing you.”

“Eddie…” Buck’s eyes flutter, his lips parting.

“But right now, I want to first feed you, and then run you a hot bath because I know your knee has been bothering you since this morning,” he says softly as he pushes a loose curl off Buck’s forehead. “And then I’ll take you to bed and kiss you until we can’t keep our eyes open.”

Buck smiles, his features gleaming in the warm light of late afternoon. “Deal.”

Chapter Text

It’s warm and humid in the small bathroom, the scent of coconut milk and honey thick in the air as Eddie rubs the leave-in conditioner into Buck’s scalp. Is it necessary? No, but it feels good, evident by Buck humming low and moaning every few seconds, lids heavy and cheeks flushed.

Eddie is seated on Chris’s bath chair next to the tub despite Buck’s insistence that he can bathe on his own.

“Not after taking your pain meds. You know you get sleepy when you take those. I don’t want you falling asleep and drowning in my bathtub.”

Eddie had argued (and won), and it was true, those painkillers made Buck a little woozy but not nearly enough for him to be in any real danger to himself. So what if Eddie didn’t want to leave Buck’s side? Sue him, he has separation anxiety.

It’s nice, a little too quiet save for Buck making pleased little noises every now and then, but it was way too soon for candles, roses and sensual music in the bathroom—not that Eddie had any of that on hand. Their bellies are full and their skins are pleasantly warm and hearts overflowing with a love so big neither of knows how to handle it without spilling the sticky, glittery goo everywhere and making a mess.

They should probably rinse off and wrap this up soon. The water is getting cold and Buck is starting to nod off. But Eddie is enjoying this a little more than he thought he would. Taking care of Buck. Seeing this side of him– scared, vulnerable, and a little broken.

They’re both broken, but if anything those overpriced art classes for Chris taught Eddie, it was that even broken pieces can create something beautiful and lasting. The proof is hanging over the kitchen window, a small leaded stained glass ornament casting rainbow lights onto the Kitchen table in the mornings.

Out of the blue, in a soft, shaky voice, barely louder than whisper, Buck asks, “Am I a bad person?”

Eddie lets his hand slide down to rest at the nape of Buck’s neck.

“Buck, you’re one of the best people I’ve known my whole life,” Eddie replies, his thumb rubbing small circles on the tense muscles of Buck’s jaw. “What makes you even think that?”

“I cheated on Tommy,” he breathes, like a hushed confession. “And I’m not… I don’t feel all that guilty about it.”

Eddie lets out a soft chuckle. “Well, that makes two of us, bud.”

“I’m serious, Eddie,” he says more firmly this time, tilting his head to face Eddie. “When I kissed Lucy I felt so horrible, I wanted to peel my own skin off. I could barely look Taylor in the eye!”

“That makes sense,” Eddie shrugs, letting his soapy fingers rub at Buck’s shoulders.

“How?”

“Well,” Eddie starts nonchalantly, attempting to hide his contempt towards this particular ex. “You actually wanted to be with Taylor.”

Buck palms his face, pushing his wet curls up. “That means I never wanted to be with Tommy in the first place. How is this any better? How am I better than him for stringing Abby along for years?”

Eddie heaves a defeated sigh. He hates that Buck feels this way but he can’t just invalidate Buck’s feelings about this, he’s learned that much from his many therapy sessions with Frank.

“Buck…”

“How can I face our friends—our mutual friends—and expect them to just take my side? How can I face Bobby after this?”

Eddie considers his next words carefully. Telling Buck that everything’s gonna be okay is not gonna cut it. The last thing he needs right now is to be patronized.

“Buck, listen to me,” he reaches for Buck’s hand, pulling it away from his face. “I don’t know how exactly the guys are gonna react to this, but I do know that they’ve all made mistakes in the past too. We’re all human, Buck, and the world isn’t black and white. You of all people should know that.”

“So, just like that it’s water under the bridge because ‘we all make mistakes’?”

Maybe Eddie is being too optimistic about how well their friends are going to take the news. He hardly thinks they’ll be surprised. Hen and Karen never quite loved the idea of Buck and Tommy together even if they never said it out loud—although Karen’s face can sometimes be louder than a speaker. And Chim may not remember drunkenly telling Eddie all about his first few months of joining the 118 under Gerrard and how all of the guys, including Tommy, treated him, but Eddie does.

“I’m not saying that,” he gives Buck’s shoulder a light squeeze. “I’m saying they’re not gonna put you and Tommy on opposite sides of a scale and decide which one is less “guilty” to pick the side of.”

“That still doesn’t absolve me of this,” Buck argues back stubbornly.

Too bad Eddie’s more stubborn.

“If you want absolution you should go to church,” he teases. “Listen, you want my honest opinion?”

“You know I do.”

“I don’t think you did anything wrong. There. I said it,” he confesses with minimal guilt. “I was the one who initiated it because I couldn’t take Tommy not treating you right, and if he was being dishonest the whole time too it means that the foundation of that relationship was built on false pretenses.” Eddie pauses, letting the words sink in for Buck for a moment before finishing. “You don’t feel bad about this because deep down you know he was a piece of shit. And frankly, I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I love you and if you’re still on board, I’m gonna be with you until we go gray and have loose skin everywhere.”

That makes Buck laugh for the first time since last night. Oh how Eddie’s missed the sound of it filling these walls and his ears, warm, deep and unrestrained.

“How are you handling this so well? Aren’t you the one with Catholic guilt?”

It’s Eddie's turn this time to throw his head back, laughing. Who knows, maybe it just hasn’t sunk in yet.

“Touché.”

The quiet that follows their laughter is much less tense, the air not as suffocating. Instead, a peaceful, almost serene silence blankets them in the bathroom, wrapped up in their bubble, shielded from the world and its judgmental eyes. In here, they’re safe in each other’s hearts, broken and vulnerable as they may be.

Buck leans in against the side of the tub, resting his chin on his forearm on the edge. The heat of the bathroom has made Buck’s lips and birthmark darken to a bright raspberry color, bouncy dark curls curtaining his forehead, and his wet lashes clumped together almost cartoonishly. He’s a literal wet dream. Eddie could die from looking at him, he thinks.

“I was promised kisses in bed,” Buck says, half-lidded eyes staring up at Eddie, voice deep and sleep addled.

Eddie smiles softly, his heart full and content, and leans forward and presses his lips to Buck’s raspberry birthmark.

“Good thing that I’m a man of my word.”

..

The quick shower Eddie took while Buck dried his curls with the microfibre towel he insisted on having because ‘it prevents frizz, Eddie! How do you not know this? This is unacceptable, I’m getting one for Chris too’ felt more urgent than the ones he used to take on the battlefield. He just needed to wash away the icky residue left on his body by the events of the previous day before tucking them both under his thin sheets.

In less than five minutes, Buck is dried up and dressed in Eddie’s old LAFD T-shirt that got stretched in the drier and probably has holes in its armpits and a pair of almost-too-tight gray sweatpants (also Eddie’s). They’re curled up under the covers, face to face and sharing a pillow that smells like Eddie’s aftershave, despite the fact that it’s the middle of the day and in no way a reasonable time for a nap. But who’s going to stop them? The nap police?

Eddie reaches out to tuck a loose curl away from Buck’s forehead. They’re still a bit damp, and despite the obnoxious frizz-proof towel Buck is going to wake up with a bird’s nest on his big head. The mental image makes Eddie smile, his eyes following the track of his thumb rubbing softly at the cherry red birthmark that Eddie adored so much.

“What are you smiling about?” Buck asks with a teasing lilt to his voice.

Eddie lets out an airy chuckle, leaning closer to press his lips where his thumb previously traced.

“I’m just… happy.” It feels weird to say, and even weirder to actually feel. Eddie hasn’t been happy in a long time.

Buck mirrors his smile, blinking slowly, almost sleepy. “‘cause I’m in your bed?”

Eddie flinches, again, like someone poked him with one of those stupid prank shock rings.

“Buck, can I ask you something?” he asks, cringing internally.

Buck blinks quicker, his gaze becoming more focused. “Sure.”

Eddie nips at his lips anxiously. He’s never been particularly good at this; talking about feelings and past trauma. It’s like trying to navigate your way into a minefield blindfolded and barefoot.

“I… If you don’t wanna talk about it now, or with me, I’ll understand, but I…” Damn it, he’s already fucking this up and he hasn’t even asked it.

Buck groans, his patience wearing thin. “Eddie, what?”

“Earlier when you said you didn’t wanna use sex to manipulate people,” Eddie pauses for a moment to swallow. “Why would you… what makes you think you did that?”

Rolling onto his back, Buck trains his gaze at the ceiling and lets out a weary breath.

“I… didn’t mean to say that and worry you with my old trauma,” Buck winces, running his fingers through his damp curls. “It’s not a huge deal, really, I’ve talked about it with doctor Copeland so you really don’t need to worry.”

Eddie props himself up on his elbow, watching buck basking in the warmth of the afternoon sun pouring through the sheer curtains. It feels surreal, lying next to his best friend, the man he’s loved for as long as he can remember, knowing that he’s allowed to look at him for longer than three seconds. That he’s allowed to touch him more than just a pat on his shoulder.

“You know I’ll still worry,” he shrugs, splaying his palm on Buck’s chest. “Side effect of being a dad.”

Buck glances at him, swallowing audibly before starting. “So… you know how I used to do dangerous stuff because the only time my parents gave a crap about me was when I got hurt?”

“Yeah. Passive suicidal ideation from all that emotional neglect.”

Buck blinks at him, a little in awe that Eddie knew the exact terminology off the top of his head.

“Yeah, that. I’ve mostly worked through that in therapy, but the ‘sex addict’ thing was sort of… an extension of that. Basically the same trauma response just dressed in a different suit”

“You used sex to hurt yourself?" Eddie asks for clarification, trying to keep his expressions neutral and not like he wanted to rip Buck’s parents into pieces.

Buck bites the inside of his cheek. “I used sex to keep people around and get their attention, even if it hurt me.”

“Oh, Buck…”

“I didn’t even realize I was doing it, not for a while,” Buck swallows, blinking quickly to make the tears go away. “I think it was Bobby who called me out on it the first time.”

Eddie lets himself lie back down, resting his head on Buck’s chest. To be closer to Buck without the weight of his eyes on him and making it harder for Buck to open up.

“He did?”

Buck hums, his arm wrapping loosely around Eddie’s middle. It's casual. Comfortable.

“He caught me sleeping with women while on duty twice and he fired me for it,” Buck says without a drop of bitterness. It’s almost as if he’s fond of the memory.

Eddie chuckles, trying to recall the many tales he’s heard a dozen times about Buck 1.0’s shenanigans.

“Is that the time you saved the day at that residential break-in and met Abby?”

It’s nice that they can talk about her without Buck shriveling up anymore. The wound she left Buck with is long healed and all that’s left is a faint scar that Buck isn’t ashamed of wearing anymore. It’s a part of him, a pivotal period in one of Buck’s early software updates.

“I guess, you could say that, yeah,” Buck rubs at his chin. “We didn’t meet in person for a while after that but yeah, that was our first interaction.”

“Did you…” use sex with her, too? Eddie hesitates, picking at his nails, wondering if he should ask, but Buck answers anyway.

“No, not at first,” Buck says, slipping his fingers into Eddie’s to stop him from fidgeting. “I got a lot of lectures from Bobby.”

Eddie can’t help the smile that stretches across his face, imagining a twenty-six year old hot-headed, horny Buck getting sex talks from Bobby. What he would’ve given to have been a fly on that wall.

“Did he tell you not to get your dick out the moment you find yourself alone with her?”

Buck chuckles. “Pretty much. Before our first real date Bobby said something like, if you’re serious about her you shouldn’t sleep with her because a woman like that deserves a little chivalry.”

Eddie arches a brow. “That’s… kind of a weird advice, don’t you think? What if she wanted to have sex?”

Buck pauses for a second, considering it. “I mean, taken out of context, sure, a little. But we’re talking about Buck 1.0 here.”

It shouldn’t really surprise Eddie that Bobby would say something like that. He’s a traditional man, but compared to some of the traditional men Eddie grew up around he’s coming out on top. And sure, context does matter. Even if Buck wasn’t disrespecting women by having consensual sex with them, in order to form a serious relationship with them he would have to keep it in his pants for a bit longer and actually get to know them before learning what they taste like or how they sound like when he brings them to completion.

“I mean, she did end up with her finger down my throat at the end of the night.”

Right. The emergency tracheotomy. Eddie had almost forgotten that she had left an actual scar on Buck too. It was to save his life, sure. And it barely left a mark. The surgeon did a phenomenal job with those stitches, Eddie had to give them that. But still.

Eddie forces a laugh and hopes Buck can’t see through it. He’s never claimed to be magnanimous.

“You said not at first. So… what happened?” he asks, moving back to their main subject.

“What happened was that she left,” Buck lets out a sigh. “And our entire relationship became a series of video calls and soon phone calls. That included our sex life too.”

Oh. that made sense. Buck was not a long-distance guy. He needed human connection. He needed eye contact and physical touch. He wanted good morning kisses and holding hands and entangled legs under the covers.

“And you didn’t want that.”

Buck shakes his head before starting to move, and for a moment Eddie thinks he’s going to push Eddie away but he rolls onto his side facing Eddie and wraps his arms tighter around him.

“No, I didn’t. I wanted her back in that stupid big house she left me in and that stupid bed with the silky covers that always felt too cold against my skin. But that wasn’t an option so I did what I could through the phone, thinking it would be enough. That it would remind her of what we had and make her come back.”

“Oh, sweetheart…” Eddie breathes, bringing their lips together for a short, sweet peck, ignoring the hot tears stinging his eyes.

Buck wiggles his way closer into Eddie’s chest, slotting his face into the dip of Eddie’s neck, breathing deep and laboured.

Eddie didn’t have the stomach to ask about every single relationship, especially not the most recent one. He’d seen enough to make an educated guess, and it was making him sick all over again. If Eddie is being honest with himself, he’s also guilty of doing this. Different circumstances, different trauma, but the same response.

Once he admits to himself that he’s gay and has been his whole life, he’s going to have to face the fact that he’s been, in a way, deceiving all his female partners too, performing for their sake and not acting on genuine desire. And whether he meant it or not, he’s also been hurting himself with each performance, losing a piece of himself in the process and replacing it with artificial parts. The more ‘socially acceptable’ parts.

Panic sweeps through Eddie’s body like a wave of icy cold water. His body goes rigid, beads of cold sweat starting to form on his forehead and back, mind racing with the images of them last night when he pushed Buck into—

“Eddie, Eddie, hey, listen to me,” Buck says in panic, still holding onto Eddie’s shoulders. “You need to breathe for me, okay?”

Buck’s voice cuts through the static noise in Eddie’s skull like sunrays through dark clouds, bringing Eddie out of his own head before he tips over into a full blown panic attack.

“Yeah,” he breathes, short and raggedly. “Yeah. I’m okay, I’m…”

Shaking his head, Buck cups his face, keeping their gazes locked. “Just breathe. You know the drill.”

Inhale 1… 2… 3…4…

Hold 1… 2… 3…4… 5… 6… 7…

Exhale 1… 2… 3…4… 5… 6… 7… 8…

“Good, keep going.”

Inhale 1… 2… 3…4…

Hold 1… 2… 3…4… 5… 6… 7…

Exhale 1… 2… 3…4… 5… 6… 7… 8…

Buck’s face softens as Eddie’s breathing deepens and evens out more. The weight of realization is palpable in Buck’s sad eyes as his thumb caresses Eddie’s heated cheek.

“I promise I’d never…” He says, breath hitching. “Not with you. Not with us. I swear, Eddie.”

Eddie blinks away the tears welling up in his eyes and making his vision blurry.

“How… how could you be sure?” Eddie’s voice breaks, making him feel even more frustrated. He needs to be strong for Buck. He should be keeping himself in check. “I couldn’t live with myself if I ever…”

“No, no no, Eddie, please,” Buck pleads, pulling Eddie into his chest. So much for being the strong one.

“I’d never let that happen, okay? I’ll go back to therapy. We could go together, if you want.”

The thought of going back to therapy makes Eddie feel like he’s being put on a public trial. Cracking himself open for a stranger to go digging around for those ugly, dark secrets he’s buried decades ago. But he’ll do it for Buck. For both of them. For their family.

Those ugly secrets have been poisoning his life and every relationship he’s had, his friends, his family, his son. If he wants to stop hurting and sabotaging his life Eddie has to let himself become vulnerable again. Has to weed out those deep rooted traumas, even if he has to let his psyche get plowed through and rearranged.

“Okay.” Eddie hears himself saying even though his lips still feel cold and numb.

“Okay,” Buck sighs in relief, kissing the top of Eddie’s head and letting his lips linger there, breathing in the scent of Eddie’s shampoo. “We’ll get through this. Together.”

Eddie hums, slinging his arm around Buck’s middle as he fights to keep his eyes open. Exhaustion has finally won the battle and is pulling him under like an anchor, but not before he mumbles, “Together.”

..

The sun is beginning to set when Eddie opens his eyes back up. He’s sprawled half on top of Buck whose fingers are mindlessly playing with his hair. A dream, surely. Because no way has Eddie confessed his feelings to Buck and he returned them? No way Buck just left his boyfriend of six months to—

“Hey,” Buck calls, his rough, sleepy voice pulling Eddie back up from the whirlpool of fear and self doubt like a lifebuoy.

Eddie squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, breathing in the scent of sleep and laundry detergent on Buck’s (Eddie’s) shirt.

“Hey,” he finally finds his voice to reply, craning his face to see Buck’s face, and yup, he’s got a bird’s nest on his head, just as Eddie had predicted. It makes Eddie’s heart melt. How did he get so lucky? To get to wake up to this?

“How long have you been up?” Eddie asks, zoning in on the red plush of Buck’s bottom lip.

“Not long,” Buck says cheekily, a smirk pulling at the corner of his lips. The room is more than lit enough for Eddie to see the details of his face. “Just waiting for you to wake up. See if you wanna help me take care of this.”

Eddie follows the line of Buck’s sight where he’s lifted his head to look.

Oh.

Shit.

Just a few inches higher than Eddie’s knees where it rests on Buck’s outstretched thigh, there’s a prominent tent on the damn grey sweats, curved up towards his belly and pushing against the waistband.

Shit shit shit.

“No pressure. I’ve got hands, I could just go to the bathroom if you're not feeling up to it?”

Eddie’s whole body jerks like he’s stepped on a current, alarm bells going off in his head louder than a fire siren. Buck is staring at him with the same curious impatience as when he’s having Eddie taste test a new recipe he’s cooking for dinner and it’s driving Eddie out of his mind.

“Buck…” Eddie’s voice comes out a little shaky and hoarse. He scans Buck’s face, a careful assessment under the glowing afternoon light.

Eddie notes the flush on his cheeks, perfectly complementing the dark of his plush lips and raspberry birthmark. He notes the fluttering of Buck’s lashes and the dark blown pupils eclipsing the crystal blue of his irises. Buck’s breathing has hastened, heart thrumming hard against the broad span of his chest, and hot air blowing out of his flared up nostrils.

Still, Eddie has to ask.

“Are you sure?”

Buck’s face twists into a pained expression laced with frustration and impatience.

“Eddie, please…” he begs, his lashes fluttering. “I’ve never been more sure of anything my entire life.”

Eddie crawls up and over Buck’s body with the grace and stealth of a feline predator stalking its prey. Propped up on his hands and knees, Eddie straddles Buck’s on his hands and knees. The few inches of distance Eddie had left between their bodies does nothing to stop the feverish heat of their skins from flaring up, and it’s enough to burn the house down ten times over.

“Ye-yeah?” he asks breathlessly, his breath scorching hot against Buck’s lips.

“Yeah.” Buck nods, his whole body beginning to tremble with anticipation. “You know how I’m so sure?”

“How?”

“Be-because… fuck—” he curses, arching his hips up and rolling them against Eddie’s crotch. “‘cause I know you’re not leaving me. Even if I said no.”

Eddie hovers over Buck’s face for a few more moments, taking in the weight of Buck’s words, searching in the infinite clear sky of his eyes and finds nothing but pure certainty.

Leaving Buck would be like leaving behind half of himself. Half a heart. Half a lung. Half a face. Twelve of his twenty-four ribs. Eddie can’t function without Buck and his unexpected wisdom and random fun-facts and various flavored loaves hiding in every cupboard because he can’t stop baking them. Every time Buck stays behind in a burning building, ignoring direct order, to save that one last victim Eddie doesn’t breathe until he’s got Buck in his line of sight again.

Of course he’d still be here, right next to Buck no matter what. Even if Buck never wanted anything beyond casual intimacy. Even if he never wanted to get physical with him. Even if he wanted to go back to being just friends. Eddie would pat his shoulder and hand him a beer and they’d watch a random DC remake together.

But right now, Buck wants. And Eddie is nothing if not eager to give.

Their lips meet somewhere in the middle, lilac flame ignites, enveloping their joint bodies like water poured over Potassium, burning over a hundred degrees. Distantly, Eddie recognizes that it must be another one of those random fun-facts Buck has dropped on him at some point.

Buck all but mewls into the kiss, his body lax under Eddie’s carefully distributed weight on top of him as their lips fuse together. Eddie nips at Buck’s bottom lip, red and plush, and so soft, his tongue laving at the seam of Buck’s mouth. Tracing. Teasing. Tasting. But instead of dwelling on coaxing them open, Eddie reroutes his way down Buck’s neck, leaving a wet trail of kisses at every stop. The corner of his lips. His dimples. The hinge of his jaw. The side of his neck. He loves the roughness of Buck’s skin against his lips, the way his stubble tingles and scratches against his own. It’s a new sensation Eddie never knew he could get so addicted to.

Once he reaches Buck’s pulse point, Eddie lingers, feeling the rush of blood beneath his lips. Pressing the tip of his tongue against it, he senses it picking up the pace along with a shiver that runs down Buck’s spine. He’s digging his teeth in and sucking on the skin before his brain has the chance to catch up. No time to inspect the sudden urge, Eddie just needs to…

“Eddie,” Buck gasps, back arching off the bed, baring his throat for Eddie convenience as his head throws back against the fluffy pillow.

Yes. That's what Eddie needs. His own name on Buck’s lips. His mark, blossoming red and purple, on Buck’s pale skin. But it’s not enough. He needs more.

Eddie needs his name carved into every inch of Buck’s skin. Needs it to be the only name on Buck’s lips, wet and trembling from being kissed and ravaged only by Eddie. Needs Buck to reek of him when they leave the house, like a wolf’s scent-marked territory.

Pushing up to admire his work for a moment, Eddie lets his eyes rake the sight of Buck beneath him, panting, writhing, and bright pink like the ripe side of a sweet peach.

It’s not enough. Eddie needs to do better. He needs to trace every scar, every bruise, and every freckle on Buck’s skin with his lips, map them out one by one, inch by inch. He needs to kiss Buck’s plump lips until they’re red and raw. Make him cry tears of pleasure. Wear him out until his limbs feel too heavy to move. He wants Buck’s blood to be pumped full with endorphin and oxytocin until he’s high on it.

Eddie remembers one time, months ago, when he dropped by at Buck’s loft unannounced when he’d just started dating Tommy. It was nothing out of the ordinary for them, buying a pack of beers and knocking on each other’s doors. No need to text or check each other’s location. Eddie had knocked twice, listening to the rustling sounds and hushed exchanges behind the door and realizing too late that he had interrupted Buck and his new boyfriend.

He had half a mind to just leave, hide behind the wall in the corridor and make Buck think it was some kid from the complex pulling a prank on them but he found his legs were planted into the welcome mat like a tree.

Buck had opened the door with a guilty, sheepish grin. The apples of his cheeks were flushed, red patches on beard burn beginning to bloom on his neck, his shirt’s buttons half-done and lopsided.

Eddie could do better. If he's got Buck pinned under him, sweet, pliant and needy, no force on earth could make him let go. Whoever’s behind the door can go fuck themselves.

“Beautiful,” Eddie mutters under his breath, his thumb tracing and pulling at Buck’s parted lips. “So fucking beautiful…”

Buck keens, eyes glazed and unfocused, his tongue darting out to meet Eddie’s thumb. Eddie watches him roll his tongue around the finger, licking the pad in a cat-like manner. It’s maddening, making Eddie’s head spin from the obscenity of it. His hips roll on their own accord, grinding his erection clean across Buck’s, separated only through a couple of thin layers.

Their moans blend together, deep and guttural, indistinguishable from one another, like a well-practiced choir.

Eddie pushes up, sliding his knees between Buck’s and nudging them open before sitting back on his hunches. His right hand remains glued to Buck’s cheek, his thumb preoccupied by wrestling with Buck’s playful tongue. His other hand trails down Buck’s chest, feeling the muscles twitch and flex under his palm.

It’s mesmerizing, the way Buck has built his physique over the years. Eddie remembers his first shift at the 118, watching Buck, lean muscles and long limbs, do deadlifts without a spot just to prove a point. Now, nearly a decade later, he’s the strongest man Eddie’s ever met after leaving behind his borderline unhealthy obsession with calories and body-fat percentage. He cooks with love and eats with voracity and then turns all that raw fuel into pure, functional strength at the gym. And what a sight he’s come to behold.

When Eddie reaches the hem of shirt he hooks his thumb beneath it and pushes it up to Buck’s neck, the sides bunching up beneath his armpits. It feels like he’s in a trance, hypnotized by the majestic sight of Buck’s impossibly broad chest, hair trimmed short neatly save for the dark trail below his navel. He notices something for the first time. Small, faint lines around Buck’s pecs, going down to the soft swell of his belly and waist.

Stretch marks. As if Buck could get any more perfect.

Eddie pulls his thumb free from Buck’s mouth and immediately misses the velvety heat of it. He presses the pad of his thumb, hot and slick with Buck’s own spit against a swelling pink nipple. Buck’s breath hitches, lip pulled between his teeth and dick twitching and leaking a wet spot on the sweats.

Experimentally, Eddie pinches the nub between his fingers, giving it a twist just to see Buck squirm and whine. Buck’s hands find their way to Eddie’s waist, his palms large and calloused gripping tightly at Eddie’s hips. Another pinch, slightly harder than the first one, has Buck keening, the dark spot on the sweat spreading wider in real time.

“Sensitive,” Eddie mutters, mostly to himself, like an observation. He's cataloging every sound and reaction in a new file to be stored into the large cabinet of All Things Buck in his brain.

“Eddie, please…” Buck pleads, digging his fingers into the soft flesh of Eddie’s hips.

Eddie zones out, his mind hazily circling through all the different things he could do. all the different ways he could bring Buck pleasure in a way that rewires his brain and distorts all previous experiences, all the ways he could let everyone know who Buck belongs to now. A quiet, more rational sound in the back of his head reminds him that everyone who matters already knows.

Buck must read his mind because his hand reaches up for Eddie’s tank top, pawing at his chest desperately.

“Anything, please, Eddie,” he pants, eyes flickering helplessly between Eddie’s. “I… I got tested last month. I’m clean. You can… anything...”

I want to go back in time and be your first and last, is what Eddie wants to say, but doesn’t.

Instead he smooths his palms on Buck’s ribs and says, “I want to do something no one else has ever done for you.”

“W-what?” Buck stutters, his lashes fluttering and lips parting in surprise.

“Is there something?” Eddie asks fondly as he lowers himself down, covering Buck like a protective shield. “Or has Buck 1.0 checked off everything on his bucket list?”

Buck shudders, tilting his head to the side trying to hide his cherry red face. How adorable.

So there is something.

“Eddie…”

Eddie chuckles softly, cupping Buck’s cheek in one hand and turning his face back towards him. “Is it too embarrassing, mi amor?”

For a moment it seems like Buck might cum in his sweats. Evidently he’s got a thing for pet names. As much as Eddie liked to say he’d said it on purpose, he hadn’t. It had just slipped before he could stop it. He’d never spoken his mother tongue to his partners in bed before. The language had always been reserved for family. It was the language he used to talk to his abuela, and tias and to his son. It was, in a way, sacred.

But of course it’s alright now, because this is Buck. He's always been family. It’s not dirty nor vulgar when he’s making love to Buck.

He can’t resist surging back down for a kiss when Buck is looking at him like that. Like Eddie has hung the sun in the sky and breathed air into the winds and poured water into the oceans. It’s hot and it’s sloppy, the way their lips move against each other, teeth knocking and tongues competing to reach farther into the other’s mouth.

Eddie’s other hand snakes around Buck’s head and curls his finger into those wild curls, pulling at the strands a little less than gently. Buck cries into the kiss, his body thrashing under Eddie’s weight.

“Tell me, Buck,” Eddie rasps against Buck’s parted lips. “What is it that your exes didn’t do?”

That must do the trick since Eddie watches all the reserve bleed out of Buck’s body and get replaced with a sense of implicit trust.

“Shit… I’ve never…” Buck begins, his breath hitching in his throat. “‘ve never been rimmed.”

The words feel like a slap on the face and it must show on Eddie’s face because Buck starts to scramble. “But you don’t have to, I mean it’s not—”

Eddie shuts him up the best way can, by crashing his lips against Buck before he rambles himself off a cliff before Eddie has the chance to triple check his harnesses.

As if that would scare Eddie off. Rimming.

Oh no. Eddie is simply baffled by it. All those people had Buck all to themselves for months at a time and neither of them ever spread him out and feasted on him like it’s their last meal? No one has ever tasted him there? Felt his quivering rim against their tongue?

It’s a damn shame, and Eddie is going to rectify it tonight.

Eddie pulls away, just an inch or two, relishing in the way Buck chases after his lips, restless as a hummingbird.

“Would you let me?” Eddie whispers against Buck’s lips, brushing his nose against Buck’s cheek. “Baby, can I taste you?”

Buck’s eyes widen, his mouth hanging open with his lips pursed. Eddie would’ve found it hilarious if he wasn’t so fucking turned on.

“You–you wanna…?” Buck stutters, his eyes darting down and back up.

“M’yeah,” Eddie hums, nuzzling against Buck’s cheek, picturing how Buck’s ass feels against his cheeks. How he tastes. How he smells. “Is that okay?”

Buck’s confirmation comes in the form of a frantic nod and rambling what sound like yeah, fuck, and please at the same time. His hands begin to tug at Eddie’s tank top the same time as Eddie begins undoing the strings on his ruined sweatpants. Somehow they manage to strip naked without causing any injuries between two pairs of long arms and legs with the coordination of a newborn elephant. Eventually though, they’re stripped down to their bare skins, the bedside lamp switched on and a pillow is stuffed under Buck’s hips for support.

There are fireworks crackling in Eddie’s chest as he crawls between Buck’s outstretched knees, a feverish sort of thrill he hasn’t felt since was a teenager. Or maybe ever. Maybe he just read about it in his sister’s romance novels and saw it in those cheesy rom-coms and convinced himself he’s felt it too. But whatever he thought he felt before doesn’t compare to the intense rush he’s feeling now.

Buck’s dick lies hard and pulsing red on his stomach with a slight curve that is making Eddie feel a little crazy because how can a dick look so pretty? It’s long, far above average, and girthy in a way that would probably intimidate an amateur. And pink. Bright pink splashed all across the smooth length, and the swollen tip matching the crushed raspberry color of his lips, served up nicely on a neatly trimmed patch of dark brown curls, topped with a pair of large, heavy balls on the sides.

“Eddie…” Buck whine, again. His thigh muscles tensing as he spreads them wider. A stream of creamy precum gathers on the crease of Buck’s belly, and Eddie hasn’t even touched him yet. Eddie knows it’s going to be glorious once he does, but not now.

“I know, baby,” he coos fondly, sliding his palms up Buck’s thighs until his thumbs press into the juncture of his inner thighs and hips before leaning down to press his lips there. Buck shivers beneath him as Eddie takes his time sucking the sensitive skin between his teeth and breathes in the musky scent of it in his lungs. “I’m gonna make you feel good.”

It’s a promise, sealed with a kiss where Eddie just sucked a fresh bruise.

Buck begins to whimper and writhe and Eddie’s barely started. His fingers dig into Buck’s thighs, kneading the hard muscles into submission as Eddie makes his way down. It’s impossible to tell if his lips are burning hotter or buck’s skin, but each contact feels like branding, Eddie’s tongue sizzling hot against Buck’s perineum.

“EddieEddieEddieEddie,” Buck sobs, his hands scrambling for purchase on the sheets and finding none as Eddie presses harder with the flat of his tongue. His stubble tickles the skin a few inches below, sending buck reeling on the verge of overstimulation.

Heat pools at the pit of Eddie’s stomach, sweet and molten honey, threatening to spill over any moment. Buck has lost all sense of coherence, his face splotchy red and damp with tears and spit, and Eddie is already addicted. Hooked for life, with no cure but the taste of Buck’s skin and a whiff of his scent (sweat, deodorant, and musk and all). He’ll need hit after hit until he’s taking his last breath.

Once Eddie’s lips brush at the sensitive rim something clicks inside him, an old wind-up music box starting to play for the first time in decades. Bright lights dance behind Eddie’s eyes as he devours Buck, piece by piece. He’s ravenous, breathing Buck in and drinking him into the next day, unraveling him before sewing him back together with steady, masterful hands.

They make love well into the night, slow and insatiable, the wet slapping squelches bouncing off the thin walls and filling in every crack and hole in the house with their wanton moans and unashamed profanity until their voices are too raw and tongues too heavy to move.

When Buck falls asleep, just before the sun comes up, his face is nestled into the crook of Eddie’s neck, muffling his soft snores into a low purr. Eddie isn’t too far behind him, mind blissfully clear and lids painfully heavy. And for the first time in his life Eddie feels whole. He might need to see a chiropractor soon and maybe look into water therapy for them both if this is going to become a routine for them; regular, intense passionate sex that lasts for hours. It was a mystifying experience, performing sexual acts driven by lust and unbridled desire instead of duty. 

Eddie felt unleashed. Like a little boy who’s finally free to conquer the massive climbing dome in the playground he wasn’t allowed to go near before. But he’s not a little boy anymore, burdened with responsibilities ten times his size, terrified of getting crushed for not being tough enough. He’s a man who will never have to bear all the burdens on his own and live in constant fear of failure because he has his own Buck now, and they'll have each other’s back.

..

Eddie wakes up in the morning—or maybe it’s noon—feeling less like he’s been hit by a bus and more like he ran a half marathon the other day. He’s definitely sore and a little worse for wear but overall not that bad. And if his nose isn’t playing tricks on him, there’s coffee and pancakes already waiting for him in the kitchen where he suspects Buck must’ve disappeared off to.

“Hey!”

As expected, Buck is in the kitchen making breakfast, a scene as familiar as looking in the mirror and seeing your own reflection. There’s fresh coffee in the pot, sliced fruits and nuts plated on the table and pancakes being flipped expertly in the pan.

“Hi,” Eddie greets, feeling breathless. He gets to have this? To keep this?

“I was gonna bring you breakfast in bed if you hadn’t gotten up by the time I was finished.”

“Breakfast in bed?” Eddie is bemused to say the least. “Do you know how messy that would’ve been?” he asks as he makes his way to grab his mug and pour himself a cup of coffee.

They both know he wouldn’t have complained if Buck had brought him breakfast in bed.

Buck looks over his shoulder, grinning and giving Eddie a teasing look. “The bed’s already a mess. Figured it wouldn’t hurt to add a little more.”

Eddie’s cheeks turn the same shades as the ripe strawberries on the table. It makes him want to hide his face behind his coffee mug even though Buck has his back to him.

“Which reminds me,” Buck says as he kills the stove and turns around with a full plate of steaming hot pancakes. “We need to do laundry. Stat.”

If Eddie could melt into the cracks in the kitchen tiles he’d do it, but inside he lets his head drop into  his palms. His cheeks feel hotter than the pancakes on the plate.

“Buck,” he pleads, knowing full well it’s not gonna stop Buck from teasing him about this endlessly. Secretly, Eddie doesn’t mind it all that much. It’s nice to have dirty inside jokes with someone you love and trust with your whole life.

“What? I’m serious. Those sheets are filthy,” he stresses before shoving an entire pancake into his mouth with his bare hands. For the first time, Eddie is glad that Chris isn’t here to learn bad eating manners from Buck right now (who’s he kidding? He already has).

Just before Eddie thinks the subject is dropped Buck picks it up again. If Eddie didn’t know anything better, he’d think that Buck’s doing it on purpose to make him flustered.

“Also, how many spare sheets do you own?” he asks in a completely serious tone despite his mouth being full.

“Like… two?” Eddie shrugs, taking a sip of his coffee with a quirk in his brow.

“So we need at least another four.”

Surely Eddie misheard him. They can’t possibly need that many. “Four? At least?”

Buck nods, this time time swallowing before replying. “Yeah. Preferably identical ones.”

Eddie wishes he could shove another whole pancake into Buck’s mouth himself. It is too early to think about how much sex they’re going to have, presumably every night and how that equates to needing a fresh set of sheets every day. Well, the clock on the microwave says it’s eleven forty nine, but still too early. Some days they’re not even home for two nights at a time.

“Jesus…” he mumbles to himself before grabbing a couple of pancakes for himself and starts digging in. Eddie can’t be thinking about this right now. They can deal with the laundry and sheet situation when Eddie is sufficiently fed. And fed he will be.

Eddie moans and hums like it’s his first time eating Buck’s fluffy and perfectly sweetened pancakes. It’s not until Eddie’s looking up and reaching for the maple syrup that he realizes Buck is eating standing up, leaning against the counter.

“Is something wrong?” He raises a brow.

The corner of Buck’s lips pull into a playful smile, his eyes gleaming. “Why? You a doctor or something? You should know, my boyfriend used to be an army paramedic and has a silver star.”

Whether it’s considered normal to feel this giddy about being called a guy’s boyfriend at the age of 34 or not, Eddie can’t help the butterflies in his belly as he looks away. His boyfriend is going to be the end of him.

He clears his throat, looking back up to Buck with a fond smile. “Buck, seriously, what’s up?”

Buck’s gaze drops down. Oh, now he’s getting sheepish?

“It’s nothing,” he shrugs, taking a large bite of his pancake slice topped with whipped cream and blueberries. “Just some mild beard burn from my boyfriend eating me out last night.”

Eddie nearly chokes on his melon slice. “What?”

Buck waves him off, giving him a reassuring smile. “It’s nothing. Relax.”

As if that was going to do anything but make Eddie more concerned. He’s out of his seat the next second, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and going to the sink to wash his hands.

“Let me take a look.”

Buck has the audacity to look embarrassed, the tops of his cheeks and ears flushing bright pink. Eddie wants to squeeze him and bite him like a chew toy.

“It’s fine… geez, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Desperate times require desperate measures. “Buck, I swear to God if you don’t shut up and turn around with your pants down I’m calling Chimney. You want your brother-in-law to inspect my beard burn on your ass?”

Buck’s face goes through at least five stages of shame and regret before he finally turns around, unbuckles his pants and drops them to his knees and bends over the counter with a reluctant groan.

Eddie has to crouch down to get a good look and it’s… not supposed to make him feel all warm and tingly inside, but it does, a little.

Buck’s cheeks and inner thighs are rubbed red and raw, classic beard burn, but that’s not all. There are hickies and bite marks all the way down to the back of Buck’s knees and Eddie nearly slaps himself to keep his focus. The burns do look quite painful.

“Hold on, I got hydrocortisone,” Eddie says before skipping to the fridge to grab the cream. If he stands there with his face shoved into the fridge to cool down for fifteen seconds, that’s between Eddie and his fridge.

“You don’t need to fuss, Eddie, it’s fine…” Buck tries to argue but doesn’t make a move to pull his pants back up. If he wasn’t already in pain for the burns, Eddie would’ve given his cheek a spank right then and there. It was too tempting.

Instead, Eddie slaps himself mentally and makes his way back to where Buck is waiting for him patiently. No more stalling, he squeezes some cream on his index finger and spreads it over the burns with gentle strokes. Buck hisses from the cold, his ass cheeks clenching.

“Why didn’t you say anything last night?” he chastises a little, feeling guilty. “I could’ve stopped, or gone less hard…”

Buck lets out an airy chuckle. “Trust me, I was not feeling these burns last night.”

“‘kay. All done.” Eddie says when all the red patches are sufficiently covered in cream, twists the cap back on the tube and stands up. “Wait, don’t put your jeans back on.”

He runs into the bedroom and grabs a pair of soft, cotton boxers from his drawer before rushing back. Having Buck walk around naked would be way too distracting unfortunately. They wouldn’t get anything done.

“Here, put these on,” Eddie says, holding the boxers out for Buck who seems suddenly really busy on his phone. “What are you doing?”

“Uhm…” Buck says without looking away from his phone. “It’s…”

Eddie peaks over his shoulder and to his surprise he finds Buck on a booking website. For plane tickets.

“You planning on fleeing the country already?”

“Nope, just the state.” Buck snickers, sparing Eddie a teasing glance over his shoulders.

Eddie’s heart drops at the sound of those words. “What?”

Buck finally turns around, putting his phone down on the counter the same time as Eddie gets a notification. He doesn’t reach for his phone in his pocket.

“We’re going to El Paso.”

Wait.

Does that mean…

“We’re going to bring Christopher back, Eddie. I talked to Bobby this morning and cleared our week.”

Eddie stands frozen on his spot, the boxers nearly slipping from his fingers before Buck catches them.

“Eddie, you okay?” he asks anxiously, tilting his head to hold Eddie’s unfocused graze. “I probably should’ve asked you before, I’m sorry, we can cancel them if you want—”

Before he can finish, Eddie is surging up to capture his lips, wrapping his arms around Buck’s shoulder and pulling him in, disregarding the state of his half-undressed. They’re both smiling into the kiss, hands clinging onto each other, desperate for more contact. Eddie is thankful for Buck’s arms holding him steady, his own can’t bear the weight of the joy that’s filled his whole body.

“I love you. So much,” Eddie punctuates between lingering kisses. “I can’t wait to tell him.”

“Me too.” Buck giggles. “Figured you’d want Chris to be the first one to know so I took the initiative.”

Eddie heaves a relieved sigh, letting his foreheads drop against Buck’s.

“What would I do without you?”

Buck shrugs, smiling broadly, dimples out.

“I guess we’ll never know.”